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This blog is about my continuing recovery from severe mental illness . I celebrate this recovery by continuing to write , by sharing my music and artwork and by exploring Buddhist ideas and concepts . I claim that the yin / yang symbol is representative of all of us because I have found that even in the midst of acute psychosis there is still sense , method and even a kind of balance . We are more resilient than we think . We can cross beyond the edge of the sane world and return to tell the tale . A deeper kind of balance takes hold when we get honest , when we reach out for help , when we tell our stories . Nothing festive this year . No lights , no decorations , just a fake tree with nothing on it . My parents are gone , my uncle lives in Chicago and my brother I will see tomorrow for a not very Christmasy meal of Chinese food at a Chinese restaurant in a nearby town . We will probably exchange presents at my brother 's house and then I will head home for another quiet night . Tonight I will wrap presents for my brother and make up a batch of chocolate chip cookies . The days of childhood and youth are long gone when Christmas had a special meaning , not anything religious , but just a time to come together as a family and eat a good home made meal . I feel very different from my former selves . One of the main changes in the last few years is that now I really do live in the present moment and there 's a lot of peace in that kind of living . My life is mostly solitary and yet I like my company . I live simply without a lot of stress . Depression and discontent do come but they are not the foundations of my life . If anything they help to point out what I need to work on . I used to rely on fantasy in my imagination and through films , books and music . No more . I still watch films , but more often than not it will be a documentary . I still read books , but more often than not it will be nonfiction . I still listen to music , but now it is so I can stretch and do some dance moves . And then there are the songs that I create and sing for myself . They are an emotional outlet for me . My friend Sam said to me a couple of weeks ago when I mentioned that I had been working on some songs that what I needed was a band . At first I dismissed the idea , but then it returned to me and I began thinking about it . I asked the I Ching a few questions about it and the response was that it was a very good idea , but that I wasn 't ready yet and had to prepare and practice first and just think about it . So I 've been thinking about it the last couple of days . I live in a college town , so there are musicians around here . Reaching out to any of them would be a big Kate Kiernan I just wrote these lyrics for the man in my mind who is suffering . His suffering is symbolic to me of all the many men who are suffering now , having been abused and having turned towards abuse but who are hurting because of it all . I think many men in our culture take on the role of everything being just okay , no problems , when inside they are feeling some despair . This becomes the standard pattern of living a dual life of outer and inner . I have the honor of witnessing some of the inner world of this man . I want him to know that he is not alone . The sunlight is for everyone , but it requires stepping out of the shadows . It requires having some faith in the goodness of self and the goodness of others . Posted by Winter begins early around here , usually around Thanksgiving . We 've gotten a lot of snow and temperatures have been low and I 've been inside my house for over three days . I managed to detach from the Jesus delusion . It 's been a particularly stubborn delusion and whenever I come out of it I dip into some depression . I 've heard this is a typical reaction for people who suffer from psychotic disorders which makes sense . You go up too high and then you swing down low once you realize that your position is really ( and always has been ) humble . But truly humble is a good place to be because that is the reality for all of us here on earth . It 's so easy to lose sight of the fact that we are merely animals on one of many habitable planets . Especially hard for those of us who either swing towards delusions of grandeur or who are in positions of power over other human animals . So Winter is here and I 'm moving inward and staying home more often . It 's a time of greater reflection . On some levels I 'm quite content . I have food , shelter , heat , water , cats for company , a functioning car , a healthy spine and the ability to move , my five senses and a lot more . I feel blessed . And the discomfort I feel off and on throughout the day is a blessing , too . It spurs me to seek out the truth , especially about myself . Discomfort in necessary for spiritual development . There would be no reason to change for the better without it . Lately I 've been realizing that I don 't know what a truly healthy way of living would be . I have done a lot of studying about mental illness ( and I include the study of addiction in this ) , but not a lot of study about definitions of health . I do have some sense of it . Learning new ways to reduce stress in life is very important . Stress is a big factor in mental illness . It seems as if we are guided in this culture to take on more and more responsibilities - serious relationships , children , education ( and debts ) , career , owning a home , etc . . . . It is mind boggling to me what people choose to do with their lives beforeMake a practice of not overlooking the obvious . Don 't take your life and your abilities for granted . When you value all the elements of your life from good health to a good cup of coffee or tea to a good night 's sleep , you change your viewpoint from a sense of deprivation to a sense of abundance . Placing value on your experiences is a practice of gratitude regardless of whether you believe in some kind of Higher Power or not . Once you have established this spiritual practice , you can then go to work on the question - What 's wrong with my life ? After you 've written a gratitude list , make a grievance list . Once you 've got the list , take each item separately on a new page and dig deeper . Ask questions such as , when have I felt like this before ? You will find that many of your grievances stem back to childhood and adolescence . We all get to the point where our youth ends and adulthood begins , no matter how hard you resist it . When this happens our memories of childhood and youth submerge into our unconscious or subconscious . We forget our beginnings and that is where we begin to go astray . Unresolved relationships with family and friends still get played out in present day relationships . The cycle of illness continues without any conscious choice . Self awareness is the only thing that will begin to get us to detach from our patterns . Sitting down with yourself in a room of your own , in privacy , and making simple lists is how to regain awareness of where you started and what happened and where you are now . No matter how disjointed life can seem , life is continuous . There is a logic to how you got to this place in time and inside the logic there is a lot of personal meaning . Discovering meaning in your life through becoming aware of the patterns in your life is very satisfying . That 's the hook into health . But again , it requires the daily practice of you facing yourself and getting honest . The problems you face now are being faced by countless other people who have lived inside dysfunctional families and have encountered and been ensnared by addictions of all sorts . You are not alone . Help is more available now than it was in the past with computers , therapy and self help groups . The telephone alone is a godsend . Reaching out is a key to health , but so is reaching inward and doing the work every day . Both practices , reaching inward and reaching outward , are spiritual practices , the spiritual practice and necessity of taking care of ourselves . Posted by I haven 't written in this blog for about a month and a half mainly because when I consulted the I Ching about the blog it said that I should take a break from it and work on spiritual development . I was also encouraged to commit to consulting the I Ching regularly for the next 6 months , which will get me through the winter . Soon after I committed to these two things I got sick with the flu and was sick with it for around 3 and a half weeks . Mistakenly thinking that I was contagious all that time , I stopped seeing my therapist , brother and friends while the sickness took its course . During that time I consulted the I Ching , sometimes several times a day , and took a course at Hilary Barrett 's site I Ching With Clarity about how to consult and interpret the I Ching . I learned a lot in a short time . I continued with my spiritual routine of taking my medications , thanking God , praying for myself and everyone I could think of , reading support literature aloud , calling the Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous Inspiration Line , listening and leaving a share after the end of the message . By the end of the 3 weeks I was wiped out and suffering from too much isolation . I began to have some psychotic symptoms . First of all , the reality I embrace on a daily basis is that I am telepathically connected to another human being who suffers from multiple personality disorder as a result of severe sexual abuse who does not want to have contact with me . I also believe that this connection is created by some other intelligent species , a species that is committed to helping human beings learn to take care of themselves first so that they can rise to the level of health where they can take on more responsibility and help others and the earth , the earth which appears to be dying . I am fully aware that for most people my beliefs only serve to confirm that I am delusional . What confirmed me in this belief was that 3 and a half years ago I began channeling this person who told me that he had been with me from the beginning of my psychosis . Every daIt is hard , but who said that following a spiritual path like this was going to be easy . It wasn 't easy for Jesus who was crucified for his beliefs , why should it be easy for any of us ? And so I have identified with Jesus as many people have and I follow his core belief and I think I am supposed to follow it . It hasn 't been easy and I don 't expect it to be easy . Will it be easy to heal our dying oceans , our polluted air , our rape of earth 's resources , our self hatred , our hatred of others and so much more ? There is absolutely no way that it will be easy unless there 's some kind of Godly miracle . But we haven 't come this far to have some miracle from God . We have to be the miracle we seek . And where is the miracle beginning to happen ? In all those people who unconditionally embrace love for self , God and everyone . Yes , everyone . It is being done right this second in people 's lives all around the globe . I am an addict in recovery . There are addicts in recovery everywhere . Addicts in recovery who believe in an unconditionally loving Higher Power . Unconditional love , that 's such an important concept to grasp , so needed right now . Jesus said he wanted us to love each other , to not hold anger in our hearts , to forgive and not judge . We are such a sick species , but I firmly believe that this is the truth and that this is the way to heal ourselves , each other , this precious planet that we call home . The message hasn 't changed one bit in all these years and we urgently need this message and to embrace this spiritual practice . There is no messiah . The messiah is in all of us . For those of you who can be open minded enough to hear this message , just keep going , do not give up . What is the ultimate goal for ourselves , our spirits , our children , our children 's spirits ? Heaven on earth . These are not the end times . These are the beginning times , the time to restore and rejuvenate . Posted by The I Ching is an ancient Chinese oracle that I first discovered when I was a teenager going through my mother 's large selection of books . She actually had two books on the I Ching one translated by John Blofeld and one translated by Richard Wilhelm . I still have both books decades later . I looked at the Blofeld book first but later worked a lot more with the Wilhelm book . I remember being respectful of the book , prostrating myself three times before consulting it . I had learned to be respectful from first using Tarot cards which I had purchased in a Westhampton Beach NY bookstore at the tender age of twelve . With the Tarot cards I was full of questions about " the boys " and tried not to get too scared when I got either the Devil card or the Death card . I learned that " white magic " was the way to go and " black magic " would hurt me deeply if I pursued it . And really I wanted to be good and respectful because I knew I was delving into something powerful . I guess that I approached both the Tarot cards and the I Ching with caution and a bit of fear . I really did want answers , but I didn 't know if I was strong enough to face the truth if it was not in my favor . With the Tarot cards I was connected to the higher power through cards , very visual and very symbolic filled cards , but with the I Ching I was connected through first tossing three coins and then through reading a book , more specifically the the book of change , the I Ching . The I Ching , too , was very visual and symbolic but through words instead of drawn images . The natural world and the world of human relationships figures prominently in the I Ching . The purpose of the book , of consulting it , it to teach the practice and rewards of virtue . The goal is to transform into a superior person often symbolized by a just king or a wise sage . The book of change , when used wisely , is a training manual . The teacher is the Sage or the Higher Power if you will . When you consult it you are the student and to gain the most out of the interaction you must work hard . There are many , many translations of it and many , many interpretations of the main text of it . So far , I have about eleven translations each with their own interpretations . It is easy to get lost or overwhelmed by all the information in these books . I have done that . I am learning , slowly , that intuition and insight are crucial to working with the oracle . And it requires patience , respect and strict honesty . It also requires time and study . I have returned to working with the I Ching at certain crucial points in my life , but I only stick with it for a month or two and then move away from it again . Perhaps this is due to the fact that I suffer from schizoaffective disorder and the study of the I Ching can lead to obsessiveness . My goal in life is to live a balanced life , so sometimes I need to step away from it . Right now I am moving towards it again . I rejoined a site formerly called Clarity and now called I Ching With Clarity created and run by a very intelligent and talented woman named Hilary Barrett . She wrote and published her own book on the I Ching called I Ching : Walking Your Path , Creating Your Future , an insightful and sensitive translation and interpretation of the I Ching . I took an email exchange course with her in 2007 which was also very good . At that point I was five years into my recovery from schizoaffective disorder . Now I am nearly fifteen years into my recovery , though I did have a relapse two years ago . A year before I went into the delusion and paranoia of psychosis I was instructed by my voices , which till I got sick had been my guides and teachers for about ten years , to study the I Ching seriously , which I did . I believe this was moral and spiritual training to prepare me for the descent into madness . During the first three and a half years of psychosis , the acute stage For anyone interested in studying the I Ching with others , here 's the link to Hilary Barrett 's site : Yesterday I continued reading Dzigar Kongtrul 's book The Intelligent Heart . He stresses that self - importance is the greatest block to spiritual practice . He also stresses that altruism is the highest form of spiritual practice . Self - importance is not self love , it is egotism and it can move in the direction of seeing yourself as either much greater or much smaller than everyone else . Dzigar Kongtrul teaches that we are all equals . To see ourselves and all people as equals makes it much easier to reach out to others with unconditional love . Before we can get to that level of spiritual practice I think we need to acknowledge that we are all essentially good and that goodness is the basis for the depth of our connection to each other . Egotism blocks us from connecting to ourselves and others with love . Egotism is mental illness . Self love is its cure . Self love is not selfishness or a preoccupation with self that leaves no room for thoughts of others . Self love is the basis for loving others . Many people caught in the addiction of codependency think that they are being altruistic when they sacrifice themselves in order to help others . This is not altruism but just another type of egotism . Codependency is about rejecting one 's responsibility to oneself to love and take care of the self first before attempting to be helpful to others . The core belief of codependency is that one is not lovable , not essentially good and worthy . Hence the need to prove oneself , to seek approval outside of oneself . In contrast , altruism comes from a place of self love , a love that sees self and other as equal , good and lovable . I have trouble with using the word self - importance to describe egotism . I view the word literally . I think what we think of as the self is important . If we don 't value the self , we cannot deeply value others and we become trapped inside ourselves with no way to reach others and find healing . There is another word that some Buddhist teachers use to describe egotism and that is self - cherishing . And again , I view theMany people in our culture do help others as their job or career , but if they don 't take care of themselves and love themselves first they will eventually burn out . Self - love replenishes and balances and all of us need that very badly . You cannot endlessly give your time and energy to others when you have been neglecting giving time and energy to yourself . Be a best friend to yourself for you have been with yourself from before birth and will be with yourself till death and beyond . Helping others is also part of being a good friend to yourself . Helping others feel good and natural . When it doesn 't feel good and natural , then you need to attend to yourself and find out what is happening inside . When you acknowledge that your life matters , that you are worthy and good , you have laid the foundation for showing the same to others , that they are worthy and good and deserve love and help , too . This is stepping into the flow and going with it . Buddhists believe in reincarnation . From their perspective all of our souls have been around for a long , long , long time . Compared to all the life on this planet , to be born human is rare and precious . It is precious in many ways , but the most precious way is that those born to live lives of leisure and opportunity can choose to devote themselves to their spiritual path , the path of the truth seeker , the seeker of dharma . They can study with all the best teachers these days through books , CDs , DVDs and , if very fortunate , in person . Right now I am one of the fortunate ones who can study lessons and apply them to my life so that I can grow spiritually . I have returned to the study of Lojong after downloading Dzigar Kongtrul 's newest book , The Intelligent Heart , which is his interpretation of the 59 Lojong slogans . Last week I got up to the third or fourth slogan and then stopped reading . I realized that I was going through the book much too quickly . I wrote my last blog entry on the 2nd slogan , " Regard all dharmas as dreams . " That didn 't sit right with me either and I saw that I was still going too fast . I needed to start at the beginning with the first slogan , " First , train in the preliminaries . " I needed to also look at other teachers interpretations of each slogan and really dig into the study of them . I began to read B . Alan Wallace 's book on Lojong called Buddhism With Attitude . Many Buddhist teachers stress , including Mr . Wallace , that we all want to be happy . The goal of following a spiritual path is happiness regardless of circumstances . I do believe that there are people following spiritual paths who are deeply happy people and that they live all over the world . For Buddhists it is not just the desire to be personally happy , but that all sentient life be happy , hence the desperate need for bodhisattvas . Pema Chodron and her teacher Dzigar Kongtrul and B . Alan Wallace and many , many other teachers all are offering training in how to become a bodhisattva , perhaps even in this lifetime . For them , that is theIntellectually I believe in reincarnation . It makes a lot of sense to me . Emotionally I don 't know . I 'm so rooted to this life and I have trouble conceiving that my soul might be very , very old . If that 's true we are all very old and have much hidden ( and open ) wisdom . One thing I do strongly believe is that we are all essentially good , though many get let astray by mental illness . I have gotten led astray into delusions of grandeur , which is basically into a very unbalanced ego . Right now I feel mostly stable . I know that my place is a humble one and in many ways I am glad of that . And yet if I could help others and be some kind of healer that would make me very happy . Bodhisattvas are healers because they show those they have contact with how to work to heal themselves . They show by example , by practicing health in their attitudes and behaviors . I aspire to be healthy . Health is living a balanced life . My life is still out of balance , which is why I need to raise my awareness level and appreciate my life and be grateful that I have some time to study any dharma I can find . If I can have faith that I have the potential to learn a lot while I 'm still alive , it could motivate me to keep practicing . I do want to be happy . I want all of us to be happy . And so I will continue to do the work . The slogan , " Regard all dharmas as dreams " is the second slogan out of fifty nine in the Tibetan Buddhist mind training ( Lojong ) practice . My first question is what is dharma ? Today I did some online searching of the meaning of the word and discovered , as I had already vaguely knew , that the word has many , many meanings . Wikipedia states , " There is no single word translation for dharma in western languages . " Google puts up just two meanings - " 1 . Hinduism : the principle of cosmic order . 2 . Buddhism : the teaching or religion of the Buddha . " Another translation of this slogan is , " Regard all phenomena as dreams " which implies that dharma can be seen as all phenomena . When I looked for a google image for dharma I found the Chinese religious symbol of the bagua , a yin / yang symbol in the center surrounded by the eight trigrams of the I Ching . Then I saw the image I posted above with the word Dharma in place of the yin / yang symbol . Based on some of this information I could say that dharma has something to do with the basic qualities of life which include much balance and order . If there weren 't much balance and order we would not be able to orient ourselves , we would not be able to perceive , interpret and act upon life . There would be chaos without identifiable phenomena . The Buddha 's teachings are based on an interpretation of the phenomena we call life . Both the Buddha 's teachings and life are the dharma . So the slogan instructs to regard Buddha 's teaching and life as a dream . But what is a dream ? We know we can dream while awake or asleep . Some of us know that dreams are not reality . Dreams are an illusion for many and can turn into a delusion for those who lose their mental balance . Dreams can come to us while sleeping from some unknown place of conception . How sleep dreams are created , we do not know , but they involve us in remembered elements of our daily lives and turn those elements into something symbolic . Dreams can be powerful and can direct our thoughts and speech and actions after we wake up . Dreams are mysterious . We respond to dreams with all kinds of emotions from fear to anger , from sadness to joy . Dreams can be logical and dreams can be absurd . If we are to regard life as a dream , it would include all of this , power , mystery , logic , absurdity , the capability of stirring up emotions and questions , yet at the same time all of this would have no substance . We place a great deal of value on substance , on " reality " . People like myself who have for periods of time lost reality by being consumed by delusions know how precious is the balance of perceiving truly . We see our lives as the ultimate reality . But what if what we perceive and see , hear , feel , smell and taste is not reality ? If life is not real , then what is real ? We base our thoughts , speech and actions on our perceptions when our ability to perceive is faulty . We misinterpret people and life situations all the time . The worst example of this insanity is when people volunteer or are coerced to engage in war . For too many insanity is what life is about . I think the yin / yang symbol and dharma point to reality . For us , it appears to be a higher reality , some kind of Nirvana / heavenly place of peace , balance and joy . Our " reality " has a lot of violence , imbalance and pain in it . Because our perceptions are off , we create a great deal of the violence , imbalance and pain , but far too few are willing to claim responsibility for this . Reality is not truly higher , it just is what it is . But we block ourselves from it by being so adaptable . We adaptI have seen myself as experiencing everything with partial blindness , which is why I rely so heavily on intuition and insight , which I believe comes from a higher source . And yet , I am not totally blind . The Lojong slogans are other human beings ' attempts to stir up our intuition which can lead us to insight which can lead to a change of perspective which can lead to waking up and clearly seeing , to enlightenment . But first we must see and acknowledge the core of the problem and that is we do not live our lives in reality . Yes , we have real moments , but they pass and are obscured by so many misperceptions . We do not see truly . Sometimes we do not see at all . Posted by A Facebook Friend Request From Dzigar Kongtrul Dzigar Kongtrul Rinpoche has been Pema Chodron 's main teacher for over twenty years . I am two and a half years older than he is , so we are contemporaries , but coming from very different cultures . He grew up with parents who were Tibetan refugees in Northern India and I grew up in New York City . His life was monastic and mine was secular and urban , upper middle class Irish American . He came to the United States to teach at Naropa University in Boulder , Colorado when he was in his mid twenties around the time that I moved from Brooklyn , NY far out into Western NY . As I was beginning a relationship that would transform into a relationship that kept sinking into domestic violence and addiction , Dzigar Kongtrul was deepening his Buddhist practice and his wisdom by committing himself to teaching . He has become a major Buddhist teacher and has deeply touched the life of an American woman nearly thirty years older than him who has become a famous and , by many people , much beloved Tibetan Buddhist Nun and teacher . So yesterday evening when I checked in with Facebook I shocked , honored , and confused in receiving a friend request from him . Why was he initiating contact with me ? I did like his page and get updates of his page on my home page . But there was no message . I went to his page and saw that he has a new book out called The Intelligent Heart : A Guide To The Compassionate Life which turns out to be a book compiled from his teaching of the Tibetan Lojong ( mind training ) practice that I began studying years ago mainly through Pema Chodron . Of course , I downloaded the book immediately to my Kindle and have begun reading it . I had been thinking of returning to my Buddhist studies a few weeks ago after leaving off on my studies ( but not my practice ) several years ago . This was like a wake up call . I did a small amount of research on Dzigar Kongtrul mainly going to a Wikipedia page on him because I knew very little about him . I discovered that his Facebook page is run by his sePosted by I just finished watching a film called Becoming Jane that is loosely based on part of the life of Jane Austen , a novelist of the early nineteenth century . It is , of course , a romantic film , but the challenge of the storyline is that the heroine does not get married and live happily ever after . She compensates for this by writing novels . She also has a kind and supportive family . As the film shows , the subject of marriage , when Miss Austen was of marrying age , must have struck some emotional chords within her family , who were relatively poor . Marriage was a way out of the family and into some sort of independent financial security and proper place in society . But Miss Austen had lots of talent and an independent spirit and a supportive family . Perhaps she would have preferred to be in a marriage if it could have been a marriage of love and affection , but that did not happen in her case . Two hundred years have passed since Jane Austen lived and we are now in a time in the US when more single people are staying single and choosing not to have children . Marriage is no longer mandatory for women across the country . But it wasn 't that long ago that there was great pressure for single women to marry . Certainly during my mother 's lifetime . And she did get married at what seems like to me the tender age of twenty four to an upwardly mobile young man two years her senior . And she went straight from living at home with her family to living with and taking care of my father . I remember telling myself at age seventeen that I wasn 't going to marry . I decided this before I had even had my first boyfriend . I have had very few boyfriends and the only one I ever considered entering into some kind of partnership ( always in a better future time ) was too young for me , very addicted to alcohol , and mentally ill enough to be repeatedly abusive towards me . But I was love / relationship addicted to him . After I left him there was a window of three years before I entered into psychosis where I fantasized about being with a non abusive , kind man , but I had gone through too much by then and was not emotionally ready . And then psychosis hit me hard and I fell far down into some hellish experiences with an abuser in my mind instead of in my physical world . First domestic violence and then a kind of psychic violence . My self esteem plummeted with my abusive boyfriend and then once again in psychosis , but in the psychosis I fought against it . I didn 't believe it when the voices called me evil . I knew I had goodness in me . There was no room for a romantic relationship let alone a marriage at that point in my life . And that acute stage lasted for over three years . And then came serious depression and much weight gain and entering into middle age . Just once a few years later I joined the Yahoo personals and began writing to a man , but when we met it was clear that we were not compatible . I was a fantasy addict before I became psycKate Kiernan I have been praying off and on for a while to organize and clean my home . It 's been a serious problem for me ever since I went into psychosis . This Monday I began the process and worked all day organizing my studio space in my living room . I knew that if I wanted to keep up with doing artwork at home that I needed to have easy access to my supplies and books . I succeeded in creating a work station , but the rest of my home is in disarray . I have another work station in my dining room area where I keep my support books and journals . Because I 've been moving things that area is a mess and so far today I don 't want to deal with it yet . And then there is my library room which is overflowing with books . I 've been gradually transferring my art books to my living room work space , which is exciting because I haven 't looked at them seriously in years and I have many good books , thanks in part to my mother who had great taste in giving me books as presents . I managed to pack up three boxes of books to give to the local library . They have a major book sale each year towards the end of September . I might be able to give away several more boxes of books which will free up needed space . My books are loosely organized and I 'd like to change that . I want easy access to books and to make a habit of returning books to the library room after I 've looked at them . I live with intermittent voices in my mind and generally feel the presence of them even when they don 't speak . They have moved into a darker place lately and have been trying to hurt me . I have thought of them as my companions and friends a lot , but lately they have been more detached about sharing information about themselves and more negative about me . I know that regardless of how they are feeling and expressing themselves that I must take care of myself , make myself the top priority especially when they want to pull me down . I really value them and the support some of them have given me over the years , but the other ones that are sicker I need to detach from them and waiKate Kiernan This is the first piece of art that I 've matted and framed in a long time . In fact , I can 't remember matting and framing any of my watercolors . That realization shocked me . Here I 've been drawing and painting off and on for decades and I rarely brought my work to completion , even with a BFA in painting and photography . So this little portrait of a friend 's daughter , which I will give to that friend tomorrow , resonates with me . It 's not quite right , needs a softer color mat , but it will work for now . But that it has taken me so long to get to this point says a lot about me and how I haven 't taken myself seriously as an amateur artist . So obviously I 've been having one of my creative surges , which is a blessing , but tires me out . I don 't want to stop , but I really do need to rest and stand back from the work each day . Doing black pen sketches and adding gouache to them is a delight . It frees me up to work intuitively . I was struggling with the watercolor pencils because I don 't really know how to work with them confidently . I will learn . I 'm investing in a lot of art supplies . I want to have easy access to as many mediums as I can get my hands on . Shifting from one thing to another has been my pattern ever since I can remember , so this will allow me to shift with ease while I get more familiar with all the tools and techniques . I 'm sticking mostly to the standard 8 " x10 " piece of paper , so I can mat them and put them in an 11 " x14 " frame . Though I will try out doing an 18 " x24 " portrait in pastels , just to see what the pastels can do . I work almost entirely from photographs for now and I 've been going nuts in a good way picking out many good photographs to work from with Google images . Again , I can shift in any direction and I need that newness and freshness of approach . I love color and shapes and tones , the whole deal and there 's so much available with just a few touches from my fingers . And I can also find beautiful photos of master artists . I did a sketch with gouache of a famous Mary Cassatt painting of a mother Posted by I 've had a change in my sleeping and eating patterns for the last two weeks . I 've been sleeping several hours during the day , maybe because it has been quite hot and I use only fans . So I 've been staying up till around three in the morning . And then , I stopped cooking and have been relying on Amy 's frozen meals which are vegan and vegetarian , but I 've lost some appetite . As a result I have been losing weight more quickly , which is good , but I 'm concerned about myself . My strong tendency is still to stay home and see very few people outside of my home . I do go in and out of depression , but that seems like something I just have to accept like many other people . And yet , I have been quite creative , writing blogs , poems , a few songs and drawing . My emphasis in quite a few of my blogs these last two years has been away from the study of Buddhism and towards the study of addiction and addiction recovery , especially the Twelve Steps . The big shift seems to be me coming forward as a serious believer in some kind of Higher Power . I wonder if this is off putting to whomever reads this blog . Truth is , it puts me off somewhat too when I re - read some of my blogs . I really do want to be all inclusive . I grew up around atheists and agnostics and a chunk of the people I know in my town are just that . Their points of view are just as valid as mine and they have a great deal to offer . I believe , but I do not know . We each have to find our way through life following whatever feels true to us . So my advice to you is to think for yourself , take what works for you and forget the rest . My advice to myself is to be a bit less impulsive and more open minded . I also feel uncomfortable with the poems I write . They come to me very quickly and I do not rewrite , which is true of my blog too . I think that I write boldly about difficult subjects and , though my intentions are good , I wonder if it 's okay to share them . Probably I am being too hard on myself . I am just a small voice amongst many voices . It does feel good to write the poems and to Kate Kiernan I hail from Park Slope , Brooklyn circa 1960s , 70s & 80s . Moved 6 hours west deep into New York State . I 've been living the country life since then . You can find out more about me on my blog Yin And Yang Hello Friends : It 's been ages . . . again . . . since I posted . This year has been a slow one for the blog , but that 's okay . Maybe I 'll just put ten posts up . . . " Insanity is a kind of innocence . " Graham Greene " An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind . " Gandhi " Knowledge of what is possible is the beginning of happiness . " Santayana
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Good day , my name is Felicia Belphere Metrune . I am the only daughter of Baron Alphonse Lartes Metrune , who rules the Barony of Mruna . My mother 's name is Baroness Latreia Tullenaris , formerly of the house Melstad . Become a marine . Fight battles on the planet to save humanity or bring death to the aliens . Fight in space stations and enemy ships under zero gravity and in vacuum . Assault enemy capital ships and capture them for humanity 's use . . . . Read More Hiroshi Goto , an unemployed man who has been living off his parents due to trauma goes out to change his life . He gets into a traffic accident on the way and dies . The next thing he notices , he is at a strange place . A mosaic that calls himself ' God ' appears suddenly . So that Hiroshi can live a second life , God sends him to another world . . . Read More - - But I don 't feel like becoming a hero . I want to open an inn . Let 's aim for the world 's best inn instead ! Serena slowly opened her eyes at the sound of chirping birds . A sharp ray of sunlight hit her eyes , causing her to squint , before her brain finally woke up . She sat up , thinking it was the next day and cursing Alice for not waking her up yesterday . As her foggy brain woke up even more , she realized instead of a different scenery , a different location than she should be in . She was sitting in bed , in a room surrounded by wooden walls . Not just any wooden walls , but log walls . The kind of walls you 'd often see in western cowboy movies . She looked around her . Above her was a roof made of long grass woven together . The wall on her right had an open window right in the middle , allowing her to see a garden where bean - like plants were being cultivated . Under that window in the same room was another bed made of wood , with stitched fur covering the straw seen poking out from underneath it . Right in front of her was a wooden door , crudely crafted from planks nailed together . Serena considered it such a bizarre sight that she concluded she was dreaming . After all , she took a nap in her classroom so she couldn 't have ended up in a place so bizarrely different . She thought it was possible that she was kidnapped , but if that was true , she would 've been tied up when she woke up . Convinced that she was dreaming , she went back to sleep . Serena opened her eyes slightly . Through her half - opened eyes , she spied a young girl , not much older than herself . She had shoulder - length dark brown hair , slightly wide mouth to be considered pretty , tanned skin and oval face . But what was most striking about her was her eyes . It was red , like a ruby placed by a skilled jeweller in the center of white marble . Serena imagined the girl 's eyes would glow in the dark if light were to be shone at it . It reminded her of her avatar in AGO , Aelrea of the Divine Arms , she had the same red eyes too . Her avatar 's eyes even glowed . This girl 's eyes reminded her of the mycra race , that she as the goddess Aelrea created as her kin in AGO . But that couldn 't be the case . AGO was a game . The girl in front of her looked very real . Serena pinched her thigh , winced in pain and figured she was probably not dreaming . So by process of elimination , she came to a different conclusion . Only now Serena realised the girl was carrying a plate in her right hand and a mug on her left . She had been too mesmerised by the girl 's beautiful red eyes that shined like expensive ruby in solitaire cut to notice anything else . While the girl crossed the short distance to the table beside her bed , she placed both her burden on the table under Serena 's watchful eyes . " The Crimson Valley ! The land that hero Lasrios tried to lead the mycra to ! Oh wait , since you 're a ' lost hammer ' , you probably grew up hearing it 's original name , ' Valley of Snakes ' instead . " Certainly , Serena have heard the name Lasrios and Valley of Snakes before . However , putting both phrases in one breath , brought into mind a possibility that she couldn 't believe could be real . Added to the fact that the girl admitted that her people were called the mycra , it could only bring her to one conclusion . A conclusion which was simply impossible . Not even in fairytales . " No ! This really is the promised land , it is the Valley of Snakes that the hero Lasrios said was prepared by Goddess Aelrea for us . He brought us here following our time of great need , " the girl said with much greater enthusiasm , even her face was flushed and her breath heavy from excitement . Serena indeed knew of a Lasrios , but that was in AGO . Lasrios was none other than one of her hero units . Serena had other hero units as well , such as Pegasus Knight Heriane and Guardian of the Forge Maristes . They fought Ukhlar together with her before she died and she could only assume they died as well afterward . Sword Brave Lasrios was the strongest of them all , even more than Spearmaster Gardi . As Lasrios was the strongest hero , Serena as Aelrea equipped him with an S - class weapon that she created specifically for him , the cursed Blood Forge . It was a blade of immense power that it consumed the souls of its users to become stronger . She then sent him on a long term quest to defeat one of the players from the Theocracy of Lyrica , so he was too far to be recalled when Ukhlar the Scourge of Blood invaded the Aelrean Mountain Range . Lasrios was deep in enemy territory , accompanied by only a handful of skilled mycras and a company of khalisian mercenaries . They were in a place called the Valley of Snakes . According to the girl , this place was called the Valley of Snakes once . If one were to assume that the game had somehow become a reality , that meant , this was the place he was sent to . If the game had become reality , then it would be safe to assume that just like this girl before her , Lasrios had also gained sentience . That idiot probably misunderstood my reasoning for ordering him to come here . He probably thought I sent him here to invade it for the mycra 's future expansion . I actually gave him that quest because the player who owned this land was weak . Oh Lasrios , there should be a limit to your achievements . Serena was impressed at herself for creating such a resourceful minion . The actual reason she sent Lasrios to the Valley of Snakes was not to take the valley for her use , but to raise Lasrios 's level by defeating a weak god . Then when he would be a lot stronger , she 'd kill his character and have his soul consumed by the blade . This would hopefully raise the blade 's level from S - class to SS - class . How could she have known he would misunderstood her intentions ? Of course , instead of using such a roundabout way to create an SS - class weapon , she could 've forged an SS - class weapon from the start , just like how she forged the spear called , Drill of the Universe . Unfortunately , creating an SS - class weapon from the start had a very low chance of success , even for one of her skills and she wasted a tonne of resources to craft a successful one . When she crafted the Blood Forge , she no longer had the resources to spare . " You kept talking about ' lost hammer ' . Is that some kind of insult or something ? " Frankly , it sounded racist in Serena 's ears . She really hate racist people . " Oh , I 'm sorry . I didn 't mean it that way . It 's just what we call the mycras who have never set foot inside the Crimson Valley . " The girl wrapped her fingers around Serena 's , before jolts of energy pass through the palm of Serena 's hand , up to her arm then into her heart . As if in response , a stronger jolt then fired out of Serena 's heart and transmitted through their linked hands into the girl . Both of them reacted to that pulse of energy in different ways . " I never knew another girl could make me feel this way . " Serena lamented this realization that everything she knew as fact was a lie . Cake . Her mind suddenly created an image of a cake . " With your talent , I think you have a shot . What have you made so far ? " The girl asked , totally unaware of Serena 's inner turmoil . " I said your magic is so strong , you probably have the talent to become a master crafter . That pulse of energy just now was proof . All mycra can exchange energy that way , but your energy was amazing ! " " Thank god ! I thought I 've become a lesbian ! " Serena breathed a sigh of relief . Slowly , little by little , the cracks in her heart mended itself . " Yes , thank Goddess Aelrea for your talent . There are many magic crafters from the hamlet , but you 're far above them ! You must be blessed . I think you should join the crafter 's competition this year ! " Iina smiled wide , which , with her big mouth should 've made her look like a clown . Instead , it made her look sweet and cute . " Then Serena , let me be the first to welcome you to Clear River Hamlet . " Read more » Serena was a top player in the popular browser game Age of Gods Online which combined elements of strategy , action and RPG on a platform available to everyone with access to the internet . As an RMT scum , she climbed the ranks of the deathmatch with real world money . One day , after she was defeated in battle by another player , she went to sleep and woke up in the world of AGO . But something was terribly wrong . She woke up 300 years in the future of the current Age of Gods Online . Will she be able to unravel why or how she get there and if she 'll ever return home ? Age of Gods Online , otherwise known as AGO , combines the age - old system of browser - based massively multiplayer online game with the catchy action gameplay popularized by gaming consoles . Launched in 2019 , it takes full advantage of the rise of mobile gaming to deliver an enjoyable , fully immersive MMOG that allows any user to play the game regardless of hardware specifications or gaming platforms . All one needs to play the game is just an internet connection and a platform that can open web browsers . " Foul servants of the evil god ! I , Guardian of the Forge Meristes shall halt your advance ! " the hammer - wielding woman in fire - resistant coat announced before dozens of premium soldiers delivered blow after blow . Despite her great skills and the honour granted as Guardian of the Forge , not even she could handle the attacks from a hundred premium soldiers . Left with not being able to perform her main attack , she could only defend with her oversized hammer . Suddenly from behind , a blade of light swept up the enemies around her . The blade of light cut cleanly through their bodies , cutting off their source of life . With that blow , they returned to their original forms , armoured statues imbued with life at their gods ' commands . " Went too far . You could . Die , " a mechanical voice came out of the suit of armour that came up behind Meristes . It was the Mechanical Knight Alou , the only living armour crafted by the hands of its goddess , Aelrea of the Divine Arms . " Everyone , do NOT allow them to advance any further ! Even if you die , you will stop them here . Heriane , keep the premium dragon occupied . Eri , I will need you to sacrifice yourself to stop the blood corona , " Aelrea of the Divine Arms commanded . Just like her heroes , even she had suffered multiple wounds , mostly from having to deal with the siege weapon blood corona . Without minding her wounds , she said to herself , " If only Gardi is here , he would be able to deal with those pesky blood coronas easily . " It was because Spearmaster Gardi was armed with Spear That Drills The Universe , an SS - class item that ignored all defense , physical or magical . " As the goddess wish . Taste my hammer , foul creatures ! Forge of the Sun ! " Guardian of the Forge Meristes cried as the head of her hammer became a brilliant ball of light . When she smashed the ball of light on the ground , everything within the range of two miles turned to ash . " Command accepted . Will comply . " Mechanical Knight Alou rushed forward , its thick armour became the hammer that smashed against all the premium soldiers in its way . Its multiple gun ports firing on multiple targets at the same time while its flaming missiles sought scorched miles of land . While this was going on , Aelrea pulled up her inventory . She was planning to summon her two premium items , the premium wyverns and the premium flame dragon . Unfortunately , before she could use either , a single blade cut off her neck from behind . " I 've been waiting for you to send your heroes away . Too bad , Serena . It 's my win this time . Hahahaha ! " Serena had to fight the urge to throw her phone to the floor . She had just lost a battle against Ukhlar , the Scourge of Blood and she feared this had kicked her out of the deathmatch , despite having a lot of cash items still unused . The idea of losing all the premium jewels and items she just bought yesterday annoyed her to no end . RMT refers to ' real money transaction ' in which players spend real world money to get ahead in an MMOG . ' RMT scum ' refers to the type of players who rely on RMT to be on top . To be fair , Serena had no right to find fault in Ukhlar 's method . After all , she too was an RMT scum right up to her defeat . Marc : Saint Klaus was killed about a minute before Ukhlar killed you , so now Saint Klaus is kicked from the game and you 're locked at 5th Rank . I wonder how the devs are going to run the game now . Heard you guys will be transported to a smaller area to encourage conflict . Serena : A job that makes money . I don 't even mind if you get a job as a street vendor . If you want a date , make your own money , not wasting your parents ' money . Serena : Excuse me , my father 's first job was a roast beans street seller . My mom 's first job was a shop assistant . Daddy made it very clear that no job is shameful while I was growing up . You were there during such lectures . How do you expect me to introduce you - as whatever - to my parents when you don 't have a job ? " Thanks ! I know I can count on you ! " Alice said as she logged in to AGO sandbox . " How was the boyfriend ? " Alice asked while her finger danced on the surface of Serena 's phone . " Yes , yes , your highness , " Alice said as she used up the accumulated faith in the sandbox to stick some guard towers at her border , " You know it 's really sad that detention is just another word for ' nap time ' considering the teachers don 't even bother to watch us . Alright , I 'm done ! Here you - Serena ? " The moment I emerged from the pool of slimy goo , the contents of my stomach sprayed out from my mouth against the multi - coloured metallic floor . I wretched and vomited goo over and over , until my stomach had nothing left to throw out . It felt similar to that time in middle school when I ate a plate of purple curry rice that the girls in my cooking class group made . Yes , the curry was purple . Let us allow that to sink in . Nobody dared to eat it , but being a man among men , how could I just leave a challenge unanswered ? So I ate it , emptied the whole plate . Wasting a good plate of white rice is not the Japanese way . Of course , what came next earned me a name that included the word ' vomit ' , turning my nickname from ' banchou ' ( boss ) into ' Gero Banchou ' ( Boss Vomit ) . It was a bad memory . I looked up at the woman , who was kneeling on the metallic floor beside me while cleaning my face of the slime using a towel . Then she covered my back with some kind of cloth while I looked at her amazed . She was blonde , beautiful and had big breasts . She was a blonde gaijin ! Not just any gaijin , but a gaijin who speaks perfect Japanese ! I still can 't speak English although I 've been learning it since primary school , but that 's probably because I always skipped classes . Of course I skip classes regularly . How many delinquents you know go to school obediently ? As banchou ( boss ) of the school , I have to keep up appearances , you know . " Ah . . . ano . . . hauw doo yiu doo ? " I asked the only English greeting I could remember with my coarse voice , because ' hello ' is just too common . I wanted to impress this big breasted gaijin onee - san . By the way , gaijin refers to foreigners in Japan while onee - san means ' big sister ' . I surprise myself with how much English words I can remember sometimes . Maybe I should 've studied English better . Then I can study in England or America . Maybe I 'll be able to have a big breasted blonde girlfriend like this onee - san . Of course I 'm excited ! I 'm not like those Tokyo boys who walk home with beautiful blonde gaijins every day ! I 'm an Akita boy through and through . We don 't get many gaijins in Akita . We only have kogal , those shameless girls who forsake their Japanese heritage and imitate blonde foreigners . Those girls always piss me off . If you 're Japanese , then be Japanese ! " No , I - I 'm fine . Where am I ? " I asked as I noticed my surrounding for the first time . It was a hall with the same floor size as four high school classrooms put side by side . Circular in form , topped with a domed ceiling , it featured a pitched floor , making the center much lower than the circular sides . Arranged on the raised floor surrounding the center of the chamber were hundreds of bronze statues in the form of beautiful European - looking women . Some of the statues appeared to be carved wearing armour , some wore some kind of one - piece ancient clothing while some others only wore something that looked like breastplate and grass skirt . In front of each statue was a pool filled with the same slime that I had just vomited . As I scanned my surroundings , one of the statues appeared to emit a yellow glow . A second later , a hand pushed out of the pool of slime as another beautiful woman rushed forth and grabbed hold of the hand . She then pulled hard , bringing out a naked young woman from that pool of slime . I looked at myself , wondering , was I like that too ? I touched my own body , and deduced that apart from the cloth on my back , I really was naked . Worse , when I touched my chest , something that wasn 't there was there . It felt as earth - shattering as two gigantic mountains pushing out of a flat desert . " Unn , yes , is there a problem ? Is it smaller than in your previous life ? I 'm sorry . We don 't decide how a person looks . That depends on your ' mother ' , you see , " she said as she gestured towards a bronze statue behind me . The beautiful onee - san blinked her eyes looking confused at me . Suddenly the door slid open and a man walked in , while greeting the other women in the chamber as he walked my way . He was about 180cm tall , with broad shoulders and stupid face . He looked like one of the nerds I used to bully in middle school . I wondered if he had any lunch money I could extort . " Good evening , Larry . I think there may be a problem , are you taking over ? " the onee - san asked as she pulled the cloth on my back around my body . Without a word , she helped tie the waist of what was apparently a robe on my body . " You may have heard from Ionar just now , but my name is Larry . Not Lawrence , no surname , just Larry . " He flashed a brilliant white smile . " Yes , that 's her name . Now , what 's your name ? " " Me ? " I asked , recognizing for the first time that my voice had turned feminine . This is too embarrassing . How can a manly man such as I turn into a woman ? Why ? Did I sell someone 's mother in a previous life ? " No , I 'm asking the air . Hello , how do you do , Mr . Air ? Fine evening , isn 't it ? In case you 're wondering , girl , that was sarcasm . Of course I 'm asking you ! " " I see . Ionar didn 't tell you , it seems . Let 's start with something simple , then . What was the last thing you remember ? " " I fought them off , of course ! Bullying old people isn 't a manly thing to do . We , the younger generation owe our lives and good fortunes to they who suffered before we were born . I told them to back off , but then one of them took out a knife and - shiiiiiittt ! ! ! I died ! " I looked up to the skies and prayed . " Uuu . . . to die at 17 . . . my life is incredibly short . I 'm sorry father , who took care of me my whole life . I 'm sorry mother who died giving birth to me . I 'm sorry little sister for not being able to beat up your bullies from now on . I 'm sorry Kokonotsu - kun for always extorting your lunch money . I 'm sorry for the debts I accumulated and will never be able to pay it back now . Father , please don 't burden yourself with building me a tombstone . Your worthless son do not deserve anything more from you . A small shrine is more than what I deserve , but if possible , please give me gyudon as offering every Monday and Thursday . Gyudon every Children 's Day would be great too . " " Umm , let 's see . To Yagumo , Tarou and Kippei , thank you for being good henchmen . Your debts towards me , please pay it back to my father and little sister . Please forgive me , Grandma Akiyama for not being able to protect you - " From the side , she did look like Grandma Akiyama , only younger , much younger , " Akiyama obaa - san ? " " Ee ? That voice ? Could it be Ayu - chan ? " Grandma Akiyama , her face still covered in slime turned my way without opening her eyes . " Outoutoutoutoutout ! " I whispered to the man Larry as I pushed him out through the only door out of the chamber . Like hell I 'm going to let Grandma Akiyama find out I 've turned into a girl ! " Well , you need to remember that your life has ended . You now have a new life and a new surname , Brynhildr . The only question is , do you want to keep your old given name or pick a new name as a new einherjar ? " " No , not Superman . Superhuman . Basically we 're stronger , better and faster than the average human . If you want a comparison , we 're like bio - mechanical robots , except that we 're really humans . We can eat , we can breathe , we can also procreate . However , we can turn off certain bodily functions at will , so technically , we can survive even in the coldness of space for many years . " This is too much for a former delinquent who used to skip classes all the time . I feel like my head is spinning . In the first place , what is bio - mechanical robot ? Is it like Asobo ? Technology is truly magnificent . " So want to choose a new name ? No ? Alright , so your name is Ayumu Brynhildr . Next on the list is . . . Newbie Guide , " Larry took out a book from inside his coat and handed it to me , " That is a complete instruction manual for new einherjar . You should read it as soon as you can . It has maps , suggested first jobs , suggested trade routes , newbie friendly firms and information on your battlegears up to intermediary level . " I expected it to be a book filled with English words , but surprisingly , it was a manga ! Instead of English words , it was written using characters that I had never seen before . What was even more surprising , was that I could read it just as well as I could read hiragana ! Strange . . . " Well , that 's your problem , " he said as the little girl came back with a briefcase that was bigger than her . Larry opened the briefcase , made a hum signifying his satisfaction and showed the contents to me . " This is your supplies for the next few weeks , please have a look . " I took out one of the stuff from the briefcase . I held it up as I said , " What use do I have for so many toothpastes ? Do you expect me to brush my teeth every hour ? " " Umm , this slightly hurts . Please be aware of your own strength as an einherjar . If I 'm not an einherjar myself , you could 've crushed my head with your fingers . " " Real food ! Not toothpaste ! I want riceballs , beef rice , curry and miso soup ! I 'd even settle for melon bread , " I said while tightening my grip . " Here it is , " the little white girl said cheerfully . Bringing out a briefcase similar to the one before , she put it on the desk beside the other briefcase . I let go of Larry 's face and pressed the button that opened the briefcase with trembling fingers . The sinking feeling I had as I opened the briefcase made way for indescribable anger . Grabbing one of the tubes inside the briefcase , I opened the cap and shoved it into Larry 's mouth . With the tube of toothpaste food in his mouth , Larry coughed with watery eyes as he spat the tube out . He stomped his foot on the metallic floor repeatedly while tears flowed from his eyes . If one just came in and looked at him , they 'd think he was being tortured with onion juice or worse . " That was a tube of wasabi . At least you got the taste right . But what about the rest ? A toothpaste tube of rice ? Another tube of beef curry ? Do you really expect me to eat this ? " " Everyone eats that here . You 're not the only one . Even I eat that , but of course , I wouldn 't eat that wasabi thing . My favourite kit is Miller12 . " " I want real food . I want rice that I can chew , tofu that is as soft as sponge , ramen that I can slurp noisily and natto that I can eat with rice . Do you understand me ? REAL FOOD ! " " Oh those , why didn 't you say it earlier ? We don 't get those meals here . You have to go to the city if you want them . But you 'll need ' gull ' . " " You gain gull by performing duties requested by the leadership , killing enemies that you find on your travels , do escort jobs for people paying for it or conduct interplanetary business once you have some gull . Would you release my coat , please ? This thing is bloody expensive . " I let go of his coat as I imagined the kind of jobs I 'd have to do just to eat a bowl of ramen or a simple gyudon . I haven 't thought of something like this since father managed to get a job at the electronics factory . Before that , even after father was fired from his job due to economic depression , we were still able to have a cheap meal twice a day , thanks to father doing odd jobs around town . I also shared some of my earnings with father , but father refused to accept my money . He said it was his job to prepare a meal for the family and kids like me should just do what kids do . Of course , I didn 't tell him some of that money I wanted to share with him was extorted from the rich kids at school , but he couldn 't have known that , right ? Thinking that I won 't be able to eat if I don 't work hard , it reminds me of the stories of wartime Japan that Grandma Akiyama used to tell me in my childhood . " Let 's not mind it all that much for now . Here , try this flight suit on . It should fit , but you never know unless you put it on , " Larry said as he pushed a stretchy fabric against my hands . With my mind numb from the realization that I was suddenly a working adult , I took the suit without a word and went into the fitting room at the side of the hall . While taking off the robe and putting on the flight suit , I wondered quietly about how much a bowl of gyudon would cost in this gull currency . As I pondered the possibility of having to work hard for days to afford a single bowl of gyudon , I finished putting on the flight suit and looked at myself in the mirror . I kicked open the steel door of the fitting room and punched Larry on his left cheek . Larry flew following my punch , his body twisting twice in the air , bounced on the floor once , before crashing against the opposite wall inside the Supplies Depot . The metallic wall cracked from the impact , which didn 't seem to faze the little white girl Nadya , who kept smiling brightly as if having a cracked wall in her workspace didn 't concern her . " Incorrect . It is full body flight suit . If you want to fetishize it , at least say it 's a diver 's suit , " Larry said calmly as he stood with difficulty and brushed off the fragments of metal from the broken wall that fell on his body . " It looks like a plugsuit ! " I cried , referring to the full body skin - tight pilot suits worn by the operators of huge robots in a popular anime in the 90s . Asuka in her plugsuit was my first crush . " Give me something a man would wear ! " I demanded as Nadya , the little white girl pressed something that looked like a slim , narrow and futuristic cellphone into my hand . She told me to aim and press the big yellow button on top . " You should know by now , Larry . Watching you ' greeters ' is the only joy I have ever since I got this body . Fufufu , " the little white girl covered her mouth as she laughed slyly . I pressed the yellow button , shooting a beam of light from the tip of the particle wand at Larry . Larry yelped in pain the moment the beam hit his arm and jumped away from the path of the beam . I fired the same beam at Larry over and over , most of which he managed to avoid at hair 's breadth , but some hit parts of his body , causing those parts to become numb . Miss Nadya replied with a giggle , " Oh that 's because it 's set to stun . Einherjar can withstand several blasts of ' stun ' settings at full power . It 's only funny when it 's at ' stun ' , you know . If he dies , the insurance investigation will be a pain in the ass . " Miss Nadya waved goodbye to me as I closed Amagawa8 briefcase and carried it in my left hand . The ' food ' wasn 't what I could tolerate , but according to the manga , there were plenty of useful things inside the briefcase , such as the particle wand earlier . The briefcase looked heavy , but when I lifted it , it was very light . Perhaps it was because of my enhanced einherjar strength ? " The hangar . Let 's just get you your ship and be done with it . I don 't think my body can stand the abuse much longer . " I grabbed his face with the full strength of my fingers . He didn 't even struggle , apparently already suspecting it would happen again . " Before that , turn me back into a man , " I demanded . " I 've told you , " his voice sounded funny with my palm pressing against his nose and mouth , " We don 't decide your gender . That 's entirely up to the valkyries . We don 't even know how they choose who they give birth to . They 're ancient technology . Nobody alive knows how to tweak it or even how it works . We just turn lemons into lemonades , we don 't grow the lemons . " " I 'd suggest accepting your fate . You 're not the first man to be reborn as a woman , just like how there are many women being reborn as men . They 've all made the adjustments , I 'm sure you can too , eventually . Now would you please release my face ? I think I can hear my skull cracking . " I lessened the strength of my grip on his face , to his relief . He felt his face to ensure it wasn 't damaged , then cocked his head left and right , making popping sounds in the joints of his neck . He turned to me and said , " Well , let 's keep walking . " Then he walked forward and turned right towards ' Hangars 101 - 200 ' . I followed beside him , but seeing him greeting the others we met on the way , I said , " Hey , I 've been wondering , everyone here seems to be able to speak perfect Japanese . Some has an accent that I can 't place , but everyone seems to be able to speak Japanese very well . Why is that ? " " I don 't really know what language it 's called but most people agree with calling it Asgardian . You see , when you came out of the birthing pool , you automatically became able to speak the standard language . I don 't really know how it works , but basically , you feel as if you 're speaking in the language you are most familiar with . In reality , you 're speaking , listening , reading and writing in this standard language . " " Indeed , that always puzzled me too . Always wondered how they never even bothered to explain how the aliens could speak English despite it being the first time they met the Earthlings . Well anyway , here we are . Hangar 108 , yours until you leave the base , " he said as he opened the large door . I looked into the hangar , then grabbing his face , I lifted him by his head and smashed him against the wall beside the door . The metallic wall cracked accordingly , just like before . It seemed like einherjar bodies were more durable than the walls . " This is getting repetitive . Now I understand why they only hire einherjar for this job , " he muttered under my hand . " No no , it 's not a bathtub . This is called the battle pod . It 's the core of the battle gears you will be piloting . " " I assure you , the liquid inside is not water . It is similar to amniotic fluid , to cushion you from injury and space radiation . So it 's not a bath tub . " " Yes , most of your time will likely be spent inside the battle pod . It 's perfectly safe and comfy . You can even eat your food inside or if need be , perform toilet operations . You will never want for anything else . More than twenty of our pilots haven 't even left their pods for the past five years . " I let go of his face as he breathed a sigh of relief . Entering first , he led me to the bathtub in the middle of the hangar . He told me to get in , which I hesitated to , the reason being the fact that the pool of water inside the bathtub smelled faintly of blood . He suddenly pushed me from behind , making me fall head - first into the yellowish water . Suddenly multiple metallic plates approached the bathtub at high speed . Before realizing it , the rear and sides of the partially raised bathtub was covered , leaving only the front part open . That was before the front glass that looked like it could 've been a windshield grew before my eyes and completely enclosed the bathtub . The yellow water filled up the inside of the pod , causing m to panic and I started punching and kicking the windshield glass to no avail . It took only two seconds for the water to completely fill the inside of the egg , drowning me as the liquid entered my throat . The feeling was only minute , though . A moment later , I didn 't feel anything . Even the water turned clear , as if the water turned into air . " No , no . I worded it badly . I am the brain , the heili , of your battlegear . I perform calculations , pilot your battlegear , manage the basic workings and maintenance of your ship and allow you to communicate with other ships in space . " " On the other hand , you are the will , the vili of your battlegear . You decide what you want to do , where you want to go , who you want to save and who you want to shoot . You choose what your weapons will target , and your heili , me , will do it for you . Or you can take manual control of any function of your battlegear at any time . I must inform you that my life is tied to yours . If you die , I will also stop functioning . So rest assured that it is in my own best interest to assist you . " " Well then , let 's choose a starting chassis and start earning gull , okay ? We have three starting chassis to choose from and since we 're of Brynhildr , I suggest we choose the ' fighter ' chassis . We can upgrade or change the chassis later as soon as we can afford it . What do you say ? " " Okay , let 's not argue about that . Now we can choose the equipment we want to have fitted . I 'm bringing up the list of equipment we have access to . We have 2000 gull , just enough for twin plasma semi - automatic cannons , cheapest missile launchers in each wing , Grade 2 ion thrusters . the cheapest Yggdrasil drive - " It is now day 249 , and I am currently approaching a fringe Asgardian colony populated by descendants of Indian - based einherjar . No , they 're Indian indians . They have nothing to do with Red Indians . Seriously , how do westerners deal with calling unrelated people as Indians ? That idiot Christopher Columbus should be shot . Repeatedly . On the knee . It is day 277 and I 'm starting to feel like a giggly schoolgirl now . I 've never written a diary before as Takagawa Ayumu . Nowadays I 'm writing it every day . Well technically , I 'm not writing anything . I just think it and my thoughts are recorded automatically . Nou , my brain , said it 's a personal log , not a diary . But what 's the difference ? ! I met Grandma Akiyama yesterday . She was very happy to know that her Ayu - chan was still alive . I felt slightly guilty for not telling her about it . I could tell a weight was lifted off her shoulders when we chatted . I did get stabbed for protecting her from those delinquents after all . She said she shielded my body with her own afterward , but one of the delinquents kicked her too hard on the head and the next thing she knew , she came back to life as a child of Sirgrdrifa . So Grandma Akiyama 's name is now Megumi Sirgrdrifa . I must say though , Grandma Akiyama must 've been beautiful as a young girl . When I saw her yesterday , she looked like a certain gravure idol in one of my cherished magazines . It 's getting hard to remember Grandma Akiyama 's old appearance now . " Alert ! Alert ! This is a Priority 1 Summon ! Forward scouts detected a large Hygante armada approaching Amaterasu . All einherjar battlegears within range shall make best speed to Amaterasu and assemble near its moon Tsukuyomi to repel the invaders . . I repeat , this is a Priority 1 Summon . " " It means it 's compulsory to answer . We have to be there because we 're close enough to receive the telepathic transmission . I worry about our survivability , though . We 've only fought a few battles with space monsters so far . This is a large fleet engagement . If it 's a Priority 2 , we can decline stating lack of experience , but we can 't do that with Priority 1 . " " Megumi Sirgrdrifa ? Indeed , children of Brynhildr will never leave behind people who need protection . I shall set course towards Tsukuyomi . Engaging Yggdrasil Drive in 10 seconds . 9 . 8 . 7 . 6 . 5 . 4 . 3 . 2 . 1 ! " " Yes sir ! " Megumi replied before giving the order to the rest of the group , " Matthew , Dick and Tamar , you 're the vanguard . Ayumu and I will provide supporting fire . " " Approaching enemy cluster . Firing EM beam at closest Hygante ships . " Tamar Geirdriful informed before releasing a long range electromagnetic beam that deactivated the shields of Hygante ships . For three seconds , the invisible electromagnetic beam continued to deactivate Hygante shields within its conical range . " Roger . Nou , calculate optimal target and fire torpedoes at will . Full spread , " I said while distancing myself from the formation a little to get a clear shot at the targets . I watched with satisfaction as the fusion torpedoes detonated . Thanks to Tamar 's electromagnetic beam that deactivated their shields and Megumi 's Ion Cannon that disabled their thrusters , they became sitting ducks for my fusion torpedoes . With only four well placed fusion torpedoes , more than thirty Hygante ships were destroyed . However , that was all the torpedoes I had . I had to fight with conventional missiles , Grade 6 particle beam cannons and point defense autocannon from that point on . Dick 's ship , a frigate sized combat transport couldn 't handle the continuous barrage of hundreds of small fighters . It exploded in a brilliant expanding white and blue light the moment its fusion core was breached . There was absolutely no chance for Dick to have survived the explosion . Matthew 's ship , a large fighter sporting six various beam weapons fared better than Dick 's ship . However , he still couldn 't escape from eight fighter drones attacking him at the same time . His fighter spun out of control the moment one of the drones shot off its left wing . Seconds later , even Matthew was gone . Now there was nothingleft between the Hygante ships and Megumi 's space restaurant . " Nou , we 're helping Megumi ! I 'll pilot , you take care of the weapons . " We pushed the thrusters to maximum output , leaving Tamar far behind . Within seconds we managed to reach the mass of gathering Hygante ships and drones that surrounded Megumi 's ship . They fired missiles and all kinds of beam and pulse weapons at Megumi 's ship . Fortunately , Megumi 's ship was fitted with Alternating Shield technology , minimizing the damage from electromagnetic weapons . However , Megumi 's ship was pinned down and couldn 't move . I entered the fray , arming all twelve missiles fitted in the wing pylon on my fighter ship . Firing my main beam cannons to get their attention , I waited until a large number of the drones switched targets to me before performing the ' missile swarm maneuver ' . It involved arming all missiles then doing a 360 degrees spin , allowing all missiles to be launched at the same time without each of them interfering with each other 's flight paths . Although each missile had their own onboard computers , for this instance , Nou handled all the target processing and flight path of the missiles so that it wouldn 't be shot down before it could hit the target . Before the next batch of missiles were loaded into its compartments , we had already punched through the wall of drones and appeared near Megumi 's location . From my position , I could see one of the Hygante destroyers charging its positron main cannon , aimed at Megumi 's position . Megumi noticed my approached , but not the positron cannon . " I can 't . My thruster is damaged . It 's not responding . Go away , Ayu - chan . It 's too late for me . " " Be quiet , Grandma ! I didn 't save you from those thugs just so you can die again ! I 'm not losing you this time ! " Before Grandma Akiyama could finish her words , I moved my ship between her and the destroyer . Pushing all power to shields , I could only close my eyes at the approaching positron beam . The impact between the positron beam and my extended power shield produced a large explosion that engulfed my own ship as well as nearby Hygante ships . I could only hope Grandma Akiyama 's ship was outside the explosion radius . The huge explosion destroyed the ship and the battlepod completely . The blast stripped my flesh from my bones , shattered my bones with its impact and boiled my brain inside my skull . It was a painful death . Thankfully , the agony only lasted a moment . The next moment , I felt myself floating in a space , gentle , soft , fluffy and warm . So this is what death feels like , huh ? I couldn 't remember how it felt like being dead after I was stabbed . I guess I passed out when my soul left my body . Ah , I hope Grandma Akiyama managed to survive the battle . I 'd like to receive offerings of gyudon every morning . Sorry Nou , you also die because of my selfishness . Ah , you can be reborn . I 'm glad . You 've been a great help . I don 't know what I would 've done without you . I 'm sure whoever gets you as their heili will be in good hands . Suddenly my arm was wrenched to one direction and my head broke the surface of the liquid I was swimming on . What awaited me was a fear worse than death . This was not what I expected . This should not have happened ! Good day , my name is Alice . Yes , just Alice . No , I 'm not telling you my family name . I mean , why bother ? I have like dozens of them . Besides , I 'm currently busy running for my life ! You 're asking why I 'm running for my life ? Well , we have to go back two hours earlier . " Wuahaha ! More baby , give me more ! " I laughed while scooping my winning at the roulette table . It was incredibly hard , you know . Roulette is probably one of the hardest games to cheat legally . While cheating in Blackjack is just a matter of counting cards , cheating in Roulette is a more involved affair . You need to have a sharp eye , able to discern tiny variations in fast - moving objects . You also need a sharp mind , to be able to calculate the probability of the ball falling on the numbered areas . And last , you need a sharp tongue to distract the dealer from discovering that you indeed have seen the three possible winning numbers . It is much easier to use magnetic ball . If I am caught with that method though , it 's straight to jail for me . I don 't want to be sent to jail , especially not a jail in China . Have you heard all the terrible rumours about China 's women prison ? Urrghh ! Of course , this isn 't something just anyone can do . It took me ten years of following my father around to seedy casinos all over the world before I realized that I had a gift that not even my father had . My father was good at cheating in gambling and scamming people . Using various tricks , he was able to put food on the table . Due to that , I didn 't receive my childhood education in school of bricks and mortar . I received it in the real world , all over the world , while father scammed the casinos that allowed him to bring me along . Thanks to father 's brand of education , I surpassed him as a gambler two years ago . Where he used tricks , I used skill . Where he hid cards up his sleeves , I calculated the possibility of the next cards dealt . His methods put him in jail , my methods always let me walk away with my winnings . That was why , when some guy in black coat approached me and whispered into my ears in Mandarin , I froze . Normally , players would need to win big two or three times before the casino pull them aside . I 've only won once , after a strRead more » But first , let 's talk about the good news . Felicia 's Second Life Volume 1 did quite well on Amazon ! Thanks a lot , everyone . I just love watching FSL being ranked higher than Clockwork Prince and some other mainstream books . It 's all thanks to you guys . Some of you bought it , some of you spread the news , some of you gave positive comments , and that made others buy it . Now the bad news . The somewhat successful release of FSL Vol 1 also came with some depressing issues . One guy rated it 1 star despite not actually reading it . I comforted myself by telling myself that he was a rival in the light novel writing community and too much of a lowlife that he had to bring down other authors who are slightly more successful than him . But that paled in comparison to what I received in my mail . I received two mails from two different people calling me a pedophile . One told me I will go to hell and he will spread the news so that nobody will buy the book again . Another person told me he already reported my book to Amazon for containing child pornography . This doesn 't include the comments on Amazon itself calling me a pedophile at varying level of directness . I know , not everyone will like my book . I 'm not counting on that . I 'm lucky enough that you guys like my book and people who didn 't start reading the book from this blog bought it on a whim and liked it enough to leave positive comments . But being repeatedly called a pedophile and having my book reported to Amazon really hit me hard . For three to four months , I couldn 't write a single word . Therefore I tried to write short stories , but I don 't know why , my writing wasn 't at all good . I had the story , but I couldn 't write it . FSL was incredibly hard , as ever since those two mails , I could not put myself in Felicia 's shoes and progress on FSL book 2 had stalled . However , about two months ago , I could finally write again , but still , progress was slow and I had to push myself to finish one chapter a month for FSL . Now it 's a lot faster , but there was still many problems with the chapters for FSL , so I won 't be posting FSL until I iron those problems out . This also means that book 2 will likely be delayed . What I will be doing however , is releasing the short stories I 've been writing in the meantime starting today . I 'll try releasing it regularly , but I didn 't write much in the moments when I was depressed . I also avoided opening my mails during that time , so if you guys sent me mails , I 'm sorry , please forgive me for not replying . I 'll start checking my mail again from now . Sorry for the long essay . If you read all that , I apologize . But for reading this apology letter , I thank you very much for giving me another chance . Please keep supporting me in the future . Your encouragements always motivated me to work harder . Thank you everyone . p / s : Just in case you didn 't read all that above . I 'm not quitting , I 'm still writing . Thank you for your support . It is a nice , sunny day . I wake up early , bathe myself with a sweet - smelling bath foam , walk to the Subang Jaya Komuter Station , then switch trains at KL Sentral . I walk out of the Bandar Tasik Selatan Komuter Station and then walk for about ten minutes to reach my new school , the St . Catherine Girl 's School . Considering the location and the distance , this school should 've been my last choice , even my old school , Blue Sphere is closer , but this is the only place that will accept me within just a week . If I 'm allowed to drive though , this is actually pretty close to my home , only 20 minutes away . Since I take the Komuter railway network , it takes me like an hour to reach school instead . Besides , the reason I had to leave Blue Sphere when my parents divorced in the first place was because it was expensive . Mom couldn 't afford even the tuition fees , let alone all the extras such as school trips , club fees and other stuff . I suppose we could 've asked dad to continue to pay for it , but it seemed like mom was against that . When I received the acceptance letter for St . Catherine , I felt a little blessed for having a feminine face . It gave me a bit more option in this case . Although my National ID still identifies me as male , apparently , the school couldn 't be bothered cross - checking my photoshopped National ID with the citizen database . Come to think of it , I 'm not even sure if schools have access to citizen database in the first place . Yes , it seems like right now , I 'm being fought over by three girls . By order of appearance , they are the girly Zara , the bossy Shahira and the sporty Loretta . Normally , I would consider this as heartwarming female bonding , unfortunately , my gut feeling is saying that this isn 't normal . Zara is sitting next to me , our chairs pressed next to each other while she 's feeding me small pieces of boneless chicken using a chopstick . Shahira is pulling my hand insistently . Loretta is hugging my neck tightly , mashing her small boobs against the back of my head while pulling my head on the opposite direction as Shahira . " But Aerfean . . . how can I resist this beauty in twintails ? She looks so cuuuute ! " Loretta says as she rubs her chin on the top of my head . Thankfully a certain neighbour used hair extension on me yesterday . Had this been a wig , it would 've fallen off by now . That would be very bad . Aerfean is showing some really dark aura right now . Or it 's probably just my hallucination from the lack of air . Loretta is hugging my neck too tightly ! Faced with Aerfean 's glare and the threat of being hit with the chemistry textbook again , like Loretta , Shahira also raises her hand in surrender and takes a step back . Only Zara is unable to sense the mood and continues to shove pieces of boneless chicken into my mouth , while telling me how cute I look eating the lunch she prepared . She even asks me if I 'd like her to prepare lunch for me tomorrow . Mom , dad , is this going to be the spring of my life ? Girls cook lunch for their boyfriends , right ? Does this mean this cute and sweet girl is my girlfriend ? Does this mean I 'm not longer single ? Is it too much for a boy to hope for ? Except I don 't look like a boy right now . Wait , hold on a minute , doesn 't this make us a lesbian couple ? What the heck ? ! ! ! " No . Who would visit anyway ? Mom 's not here and apart from the neighbours we exchanged doorgifts with when we moved in , we don 't know anyone else . " " Oh lord , please don 't say that , even as a joke ! If they actually went out of their way to find out my home , and believe me some of them would likely do it , I will have to wear girl 's clothes at all times . Home is the only place I can become a man . Heck , just recalling those girls are making me paranoid of being watched . " On the other side of the door are two men wearing AXXA deliverymen uniform , one of them hands her a clipboard to which she signs . Then she opens the door fully , allowing the two men to carry their cargoes inside . Both of them greets me when they see me sitting on the sofa with my fingers raised and my feet resting on the coffee table while I 'm waiting for the polish to dry . " Put it here . Here . " She points at an empty spot in the living room . Originally , it was supposed to be a spot for mom 's chinaware cabinet , but when my parents divorced , dad wanted the cabinet and its whole contents instead , so that spot has remained empty all this time . After depositing five cardboard boxes in the living room , the deliverymen leaves followed by that certain neighbour . She thanks them , drops a note of ten into the hand of one of them and closes the door behind them . Then she returns , hugs me from behind and says , " Rin - chaaan , it 's a total success ~ They totally think you 're a girl . " To me ? Could it be my Xbox set ? Or the whole collection of comics that mom hid from before my PT3 exams ? Did dad send them to me from our old home ? Could it be all of the above ? " Oh , there 's girl scouts uniform , I was in girl scouts too ! Oh look ! School swimsuits ! My old school didn 't have a swimming pool , so I never had a school swimsuit . And look , isn 't this the infamous Mahmud Baginda Volleyball Club uniform that was famous for riding up the butt crack whenever the players make an overhead swipe ? " After deliberating about what to do with the clothes in the swimming club 's clubroom , I 've decided not to sell it . With the school closing and the school accounts closed , there is no place for the money to go to . Taking the money for myself would be unethical . Therefore , I 've decided to donate it to various schools in the area . But before that , based on the interest you 've shown for the past week , I thought you would want some of it for your own use . So I 've picked out some of the clothes that I thought would fit you . All the best in St . Catherine . " Oh , it 's your end - school certificate from Mahmud Baginda . Oh my , you 're female in Mahmud Baginda ? A ' binti ' too ! And this picture is so cuuute ! Can I keep this ? Pleeeeease ? " Before she can go any further , Zara comes along and shoulders Shahira as hard as her small body is able to . Despite her smaller size , Zara manages to shoulder the unsuspecting Shahira away towards the individual lockers . Shahira 's face hit the door of the locker with a bang and stands unmoving in stunned confusion . That 's before the smaller Zara pushes Shahira 's left cheek against that same locker door , effectively pinning Shahira 's face against the locker . In Shahira 's confusion , she is unable to make any move of resistance . Even I am feeling confused and stands stunned in the locker room . That sweet , cute and small Zara is currently pressing Shahira 's face against the locker without losing her smile . It 's almost surreal . I change my clothes uncomfortably . I can almost hear Shahira and Zara licking their lips as I take off my school shirt . The piercing stares of the two wolves , one with her face still pressed against the locker while the other still making a bright smile which doesn 't reach her eyes , when I start taking off my skirt makes me wish I had worn the sports uniform from home . Today , we 're playing handball . I 've never played one before , so the rules are a little hard to follow for me . I 've played basketball before , but it was quite different . As a boy in Blue Sphere Academy , though , I used to play football , which was previously the national sport . That was until 2015 , though . After suffering continuous defeat in 2015 culminating in a horrifyingly embarrassing 10 - 0 defeat against Saudi Arabia , football carried such terrible stigma that everyone switched to futsal , basketball , badminton and squash . Please forgive me for this background info , but this is just to make you understand my position . You see , in co - ed schools , handballs , although available , is not played all that much . In boys school , it 's not played at all , because it has the reputation of being a ' girly ' sport . Because this is a girl 's school , they seem to play handballs every two weeks here , so everyone 's an expert , except me . And these experts play a very hardcore game . It is a level of violence I have never seen before . Thus how , during my moment of confusion , the ball flies straight to my face and I am too slow to protect myself . But Zara is faster . She pushes me away from the path of the ball , potentially saving me from a head injury and possibility of amnesia . I fall to the ground , wincing as my elbow grazes against the pebble on the ground . Sitting up , I look at my bleeding elbow and gently brush away the sand sticking to the area around the wound . " Oh no , you 're bleeding ! " Zara kneels next to me . Inspecting the wound , she declares , " Oh no , this is serious ! We need to go to the infirmary immediately ! " " No , this is serious . What if it becomes infected ? How can I live with myself if your beautiful skin becomes scarred ? " Zara says as she drags me to the infirmary by my uninjured hand . I can 't help but be amazed by how everything is unlocked and in the open . Back in my old school , they kept everything , even the panadols in locked cabinets to prevent theft . In my old school , even the infirmary was locked when the health teacher wasn 't around . In this school , it appears all the students can come and go as they wish . Seeing her loving and gentle actions of tending to my wound , it is easy to forget that it 's just A SCRATCH . She makes it seem like I 'm on the verge of death . Or is this how girls are like ? I 'm gonna have to ask a certain neighbour later . " Am I . . . disturbing you , Rin ? " Zara looks at me with upturned eyes . Her eyes look moist , as if she 's on the verge of crying . She looks so small , so weak and so vulnerable that my protective instinct surges out like a waterfall . No , you 're not , " I wrap my uninjured left hand around her waist , enjoying the softness of her body while pushing up her face with my other hand by her chin , which isn 't really that injured in the first place . " It 's just that I 'm not sure what you 're trying to do . It 's making me confused , Zara . " " Oh , I 'm sorry . It 's just this is the first time I feel like this and I 'm not sure myself . But I think . . . I think . . . I 'm in love with you . " Zara tries to hide her reddening face in her palms . I feel my own face getting hot hearing her confession . My confusion level increases by a factor of ten now . On one hand , I 'm dancing in the garden of blooming flowers because I finally get my first ever love confession , and the girl 's plenty cute too . I feel like shouting to the world , " I have a girlfriend ! " On the other hand , I feel down because she falls in love with a fake persona , someone who isn 't real and will disappear within two years . How can I be so selfish to allow this to happen ? " I 'm sorry , Zara , but I can 't accept your heart . " There , I 've said it . Mom , your son is alone again . Sobs . " I promise , I won 't get in your way . I can even come to your home to cook dinner for you if you like . I won 't cause you any trouble . I just want to be close to you , " Zara looks at me with wet eyes as she places her right hand on my fake left breast gently while muttering something inaudible . " I guess maybe it doesn 't hurt to try , but are you sure you want to be with me ? I mean , I 'm a girl . " Well , not quite . Suddenly Zara jumps on me and plants a chaste kiss on my lips . Her face turns all red after the deed and she acts all shy , either because it was her first kiss or because she kissed a girl . Don 't misunderstand , it 's cute , it 's adorable . The only think I ask is for her to get her knee off my injured elbow right now ! " Ahhh . . . " I open my mouth wide as Zara feeds me a rice ball the size of my thumb . As I chew the small ball of rice , my thoughts wonder as to how anyone can get full from something like this . Then Zara asks for me to feed her too , and I do it obediently . One step , two step , every step emphasizes her delicious figure . Every click and clack of her school shoes echoes in the class , creating a seductive and alluring atmosphere . Her long legs under the skirt and knee - high white stockings draws my eyes to it , making me unable to tear my eyes away . In the haze of my mind , I feel like I want to be stepped on by those legs while calling her ' big sister ' . Aerfean drops a thick Chemistry textbook on my desk loudly . Glaring at me , she says , " Pick it up , roll it up and use it to smack their heads . You need to learn to stand up for yourself . " She glares lasers at me . As I look into her cold eyes , I feel like something is awakening inside me . Calm down , calm down . I slap my cheeks to wake me up from my delusions . I look at Zara 's defeated face , resigned to the fate of being whacked by her own boyfriend . No , she sees me as her girlfriend . Sigh , this is messed up . Not wanting to cause any trouble , I roll up the chemistry textbook on the table and following Aerfean 's recommendation , hold it up to whack the heads of the three stooges . Ah wait . Since I 'm a guy it won 't be good if I use my whole male strength , right ? So I 'll have to weaken the strength a little . With that thought , I whack Zara 's head with the rolled up textboook . Umm , maybe I should 've hit harder ? But she 's a girl . It 's not a gentlemanly thing to do , right ? Well , at least it works . They 're suddenly quiet now and looking at me with blank faces instead of those usual loud noises . " Kyaaaa ! You 're making my heart go kyun kyun kyun ! " Zara screams loudly with a red face while excitedly swinging her chopstick - wielding right hand . " Oh sweet Mary ! Rin , you 're going to give me diabetes ! " Loretta cries while hugging my neck tightly from behind as her smaller pair of boobs rub against my back . Just great . Instead of creating a firm and strict persona , I 'm showing myself as a sweetly cute girl instead . Teacher Aerfean , please tell me what I did wrong ! " Please excuse my intrusion , " Zara with her hair in long twintails that resemble my own signature style says to the empty house as she passes through the front door of my apartment . Her short plaid skirt swishes against her knee - length stockings with every move . Her form - fitting pink blouse creates a tight silhouette that gives her underdeveloped body an allure that invokes a protective instinct within me . Protective or not though , I find myself unable to look away . In comparison , I 'm only wearing a loose t - shirt and shorts . Should I have worn something more stylish for my girlfriend 's first house visit ? Hehe , girlfriend . I like how that sounds . Mom , your son finally has a girlfriend . Too bad she 's gay , but hey , a girlfriend 's a girlfriend . After secretly dating for two weeks , she finally asks if she can come to my home . " Sorry , I 'm the only one at home . Will it be a problem for you ? " I say while taking the plastic bags containing groceries from her hand and putting it in the kitchen . " I already know - I mean , I don 't mind at all . No , not at all . After all , we get to be alone , just me and you , " Zara says as she shyly runs her forefinger downward along my chest . It almost breaks all the barrier in my mind . " Umm , well . It 's fine , I guess . I imagine they won 't understand our relationship . " The dinner is absolutely great . Sorry mom , but I think she 's a much better cook than you . She knows exactly what dishes I like and how I like it cooked . She even knows how I like my dessert , vanilla ice cream with chocolate topping and strawberries . It 's like she knows everything that I like , even things that I have no idea I like . She 's like the perfect girlfriend . I really want her as my girlfriend for real . After dinner , we cuddle together on the couch while watching a movie on Astro . It 's a romance movie , but heck do I know the title . After about 30 minutes of watching the movie , it 's the movie 's to watch us . By now we 're busy necking and kissing each other . I have to keep her hands away from my crotch which gets harder and harder to hide with every kiss . Today is Saturday of the third week of us secretly dating each other . Zara is almost a daily fixture in my apartment nowadays . It 's a good thing that mom is not around and a certain neighbour is away on a vacation in Semporna . I 'll never be able to hide this if they 're around . Today , Zara volunteers to do housekeeping which I 'm truly grateful for . Being a single child , I 'm no stranger to household chores . However , house cleaning is one thing that is a complete mystery to me . Mom used to scold me for doing it half - heartedly , but seriously mom , it 's not that I didn 't want to do it . Okay , I don 't want to do it , but the real reason is that I just don 't get how it 's done . I love watching Zara dust the cupboards , electrical appliances and sweep or mop the floor . Even her vacuuming the carpet is a delight to watch . Every time she catches me watching , she 'll blush and look away . So cute ! Although I say she mop the floor , she doesn 't actually use the mop . She gets on her knees on the floor and wipe it clean with a cloth . She wipes the floor with a cloth on all fours . On all fours ! With her butt pointing at me ! How can my manly blood not boil from seeing such a sight ? I am no eunuch , I have a very healthy male urges . I jump over the couch , my knee knocks against a table , but I don 't care about the pain . Running into my room , I encounter the sight that will be in my nightmares forever . For in my room , sitting on the floor is Zara . She is sitting on the floor with a stack of magazines on her left and a trashcan in her right . She is tearing my porn magazines with a smile . She is tearing them one by one , WITH A SMILE ! " I 'm the only fapping material you 'll ever need . If you want me to do anything , just say it and I 'll do my best , okay ? Now please get up from that pile of filth or I 'll get angry , my love , " Zara tells me this while smiling , but this time , her smiling face feels like the face of a demon instead of an angel . " Don 't you worry , my love . I 've already put lots of my own pictures in your computer . Anytime you need relief and I 'm not here , you can look at those , okay ? Oh by the way , I 've deleted all the trash and filth from your computer . " No ! ! ! ! I jump up from the stack of magazines and open my porn folders one by one . There was nothing left . Not even my browser bookmarks remain . My five - year porn collection , they 're all goooooone ! I fall to my knees in front of my computer desk . Tears flow down my face as the horror sinks in . I no longer have my porn collection . My babies , my beloveds . Goodbye , Akari Hoshino . Goodbye , Amami Tsubasa . Goodbye , Azumi Mizushima . Goodbye , Kaede Matsushima . I will never forget all of you . The time we spent together , I will treasure it for my whole life . " What are you doing sitting there in a daze , Rin ? I 've already prepared a bath . Why don 't you go ahead and wash yourself before dinner ? " Zara smiles while taking out the plastic bags containing the shreds of my porn magazines . I must have been out for a long time . When I finally recover , Zara has already finished ripping my babies to small , useless pieces . I should be crying , recalling the horror , but my tears have gone dry . All that 's left now is regret and picking up the pieces of my life . I walk into the bathroom , take off my clothes and enter the bathtub with my mind far away , looking at my past that is now just a memory . Not even the perfumed water of the bathtub is able to bring me back to this reality . Thus when I 'm done with bathing , I stand up to get out of the bathtub and right at this moment , Zara comes in with a worried face . " Hm ? It means we can legally get married , even with you looking like a girl . Ahh , I can 't believe I get to enjoy the best of both worlds . Of course , we 'll need to meet my parents and I 'd like to meet yours so that I can ask their approval in marrying their daughter . " " Haa ? What are you saying , Rin ? Look , it doesn 't matter if Rin is a girl or a boy . Rin is Rin and Rin is mine . Both the girl Rin and the boy Rin are mine , and I 'm Rin 's . It 's simple , isn 't it ? " So Rin , how many children do you want ? I think two boys and two girls would be perfect , won 't you agree ? Or do you prefer more boys ? I 'd like to have at least a girl in the house . " This site uses ads . If you like my stories and want to support me , please disable adblock on this site . I assure you that all the ads are from reputable companies such as Project Wonderful , RevenueHits and PropellerAds . I can promise that your computer 's security will not be compromised . This will hopefully supplement my income so that I can spend less time on overtime and more time on writing and translating . Thank you in advance . Work Progress : Felicia 's Second Life Vol 2 - Third chapter being written . A Warrior 's Life In Another World - 10 % I Have A Cheat But I Built An Inn Instead - I 've allowed Estelion of Oniichanyamete to take over translation of this story . So you guys don 't have to wait anymore Only Sense Online manga - Given to another translation group . Didn 't have the time to clean , redraw , edit , typeset and every else myself . You should be getting monthly releases now . Armageddon Chapter 3 - 80 % Release Expectation : OSO manga was released by another group , so you guys can just head on over to their site to read up to chapter 3 , I think . Reincarnation Author 's Note : Nice to meet you . This is my first work . I hope you can be less harsh when reading it . = = = = = = Und . . . A Metrune Daughter 's Decision " You have free time until dinner . Go have fun , " my lady Felicia said to me . " Eh ? " It was so sudd . . . Traps Are Delicious Hi , I 'm Rin . When the school I went to went bankrupt , I had to find another school to go to . The only choice l . . .
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I forgot to mention how last Monday night 's " Meet and Greet " went at church . I always get so worked up and nervous about these things but there was a decent turn - out . Everyone that showed up had a great time and encouraged me to plan more of these events . Our church is growing so rapidly and people just don 't know one another . I scheduled a " Women 's Ministry Planning Meeting " to be held before church last night to see who was interested in helping me with the Women 's Ministry . I 've been doing it alone for the last year and a half but now that the church has gotten so big it 's more than I can handle on my own . I was exhausted from my trip to Jacksonville ( to the Beth Moore conference on Friday and Saturday ) and was regretting my decision to have this meeting yesterday ; but I ended up having another good turn - out for this meeting too ! There were 10 women who showed up with ideas in mind and ready to get started right away ! This is exciting ! ! One thing we talked about is how important it is to reach out to all women around us , no matter how " mature " a Christian they are or whether they are a first - time guest . We all go through stages in life where we deal with those tugs of self - doubt and insecurities the devil whispers in our ear . He makes us believe that everyone else is getting invited to functions and purposely leaving us out . He makes us believe that everyone is laughing at us or talking about us or they will make fun of something we say so we just need to keep our mouths shut . The reality is , when you are thinking like that you are making the focus all about " YOU " instead of about " OTHERS " where the focus should be . It 's time to get off the " me , I , my , mine " pity wagon and get out there and see how you can help " OTHERS " by loving , encouraging and supporting them . . . . it 's amazing what happens when your focus shifts to other people instead of yourself . The last couple of weeks has been extremely busy for some reason . I seem to be running in so many directions but never actually going anywhere . I don 't like it when life gets like that . Greg has been working late hours so we haven 't seen each other too much . He 's had a big project at work he 's been working on that finally finished up this week - Praise God - so perhaps things will get back to " normal " ( whatever that is ? ) and slow down a little . Tina , Bryant and baby Bailee flew into town yesterday afternoon . We met them at CiCi 's Pizza for a late lunch . They don 't have a CiCi 's in CA and Bryant was craving their pizza . As soon as Bailee saw Uncle Dakota she reached for him and wrapped her precious little arms around his neck and wouldn 't let go . He kept trying to put her down because she would get heavy and she would cry for him . She LOVES her Uncle Dakota ! I forgot my camera ( GASP ! ! ) so these pictures were taken with my cellphone . I tried to give Uncle Dakota a break by holding Bailee for a few minutes . She wasn 't interested in me though and she kept looking over my shoulder for her Uncle ! ! To keep her entertained I took a dozen pictures of her and let her look at them . She loves to say " cheeseeeeee . " They do learn young don 't they ? Bryant 's mom is getting remarried on Saturday . She hasn 't been married in a long time . This will be a big change for her because she is extremely independent ! Tina has been taking cake decorating classes in CA and loving it so she is going to bake the cake for the informal wedding . this was the cake Tina made last week at her class . She and Bryant don 't want to eat all the sugar / calories from these cakes she is making every week so she delivers the cakes to the barracks at the Marine Base where Bryant works . The guys love it ! ! I am leaving in the morning with a group of 11 girlfriends from church for a road trip to Jacksonville . It 's about a 6 hour drive . We are going to a Beth Moore conference for the weekend . I love doing Beth Moore Bible studies but this will be my first time seeing Posted by Do you like to blog ? How about picking up some extra money while you 're at it ? Bloggerwave is a company that pays you to blog . I just signed up with Bloggerwave and while I blog my normal random way I am also keeping an eye on the job board for a job I might be interested in blogging about . I blog - I make money . That easy ! bloggerwave Alrighty , so I told you last week that Dakota received a late Christmas gift from his grandparents - a Wii - that had been backordered and FINALLY came in right ? Well , on Friday Dakota and I went shopping with grandma ( i . e . - my mom ) all day long and grandma purchased Guitar Hero III Legends of Rock for our new Wii . Greg & I had played this on the marriage retreat back in February and loved it ! I had been trying to decide whether to purchase Rock Band or Guitar Hero for our Xbox 360 ever since we came back from the retreat . This is Greg ( on the Marriage Retreat in FEB ) - around midnight - still working on one song he was trying to master . We all stayed up late taking turns playing different songs . Here I am ( in FEB ) taking a stab at it . . . at first I didn 't want to try because it looked so difficult . Once I tried the first song , I was hooked ! I am not quick to jump into big purchases like this . I have to ask around and get opinions from people who currently have these items to find out which one they prefer and why and then I like to watch sales flyers and check eBay to see if I can ever catch something like this on sale . Since Dakota knows I 'm like this and he refers to me as a " cheapskate " ( a term I 'm very proud of . . . thank you very much ! ) he started putting the bug in my ear the moment he opened his Wii . " Mom , wouldn 't it be great to have that Guitar Hero game now ? " " Mom , maybe we could just ride up to EB Games to check out the price and see if they have refurbished games that are cheaper than Wal - mart 's games ? And you could even use your discount card there mom ! " Helpful little booger ain 't he ? Well you can imagine how truly excited he was when grandma came to his " rescue " again and purchased this game for him last Friday . We spent the whole weekend competing against each other , trying to outdo one another 's scores . This is a fun game ! Dakota is kicking our butts in it too ! His fingers get to going so fast - I don 't know how he keeps up as well as he does . Posted by Here I sit , less than 12 hours from a " Meet and Greet " I scheduled for tonight for women who have recently joined the church or who have been visiting lately . The stomach flutters have begun as well as the shaky hands . I always hope and pray that each time I do events like this it will get easier . . . but it doesn 't . I guess if it did then I would be relying on my own strength and not God 's strength to get me through this . Philippians 4 : 13 " I can do everything through Him who gives me strength . " I sent out an email last week to the ladies of the church reminding them about the " Meet and Greet " and asking them to bring a dessert with them and to let me know if they planned on attending . I never know what the response is going to be like when I plan events for the Women 's Ministry . I 'm normally a very optimistic person , except in this area . . . I always expect the worst and I 'm genuinely surprised when there 's a good turnout ! At church yesterday the pastor really pushed this " Meet and Greet " and talked about how important it is for the women to come out get to know one another ( if they are new here ) so I am anxious about this evening and praying that God will use me to reach out to those women looking to fit in somewhere . Hope you all had a wonderful Easter ! I meant to post this yesterday but I never got online so I 'll post it today . Check out these BEAUTIFUL Easter eggs ! Dakota received a late Christmas present from his grandparents this week - a Nintendo Wii . It had been backordered and finally arrived yesterday afternoon . We knew it was going to come in one day but we didn 't tell Dakota about it because the anticipation would have been too much for him - and he would have driven me crazy everyday asking " Is it here yet ? " He has his fair share of these video game systems - thanks to grandparents who dote on him ! - but I must say this is by far my favorite game system ! I can 't play all those other things he plays ( Xbox , playstation , etc ) because frankly , I 'm just not that coordinated with the controller . But when we set this system up yesterday and started playing the sports games that came with it - we had a blast ! We couldn 't wait for his daddy to get home from work so Dakota could challenge him to baseball , tennis and bowling . Greg got home around 7 : 00 and sat at the table with me eating his dinner and telling me about his day at work . The whole time Dakota is prancing around , chomping at the bit for daddy to finish so " they " can play . When Greg was finished he told Dakota he would watch him for a few minutes . I told Dakota " here , I 'll play against you - let 's play tennis . " Greg sat down on the couch and watched us serve 2 times and he jumped up and said " Okay , my turn ! " LOL - that 's all it took - he was ready to play ! I watched those two play through tennis , baseball and nine rounds of golf for 2 hours last night . By the time Greg said he had to go to bed , Dakota had worked up a sweat ! They had so much fun playing with this . We are going to our favorite game store today , Game Stop , to see what inexpensive games we can pick up to play this weekend . One of my twin daughters lives in Hawaii with her Navy husband and their two sons , Allan & Nathan ( my grandsons . ) It 's been right at a year since I 've seen them . This is the longest we 've gone without seeing one another . I 've been missing them a lot lately . Before they moved to Hawaii they lived in Sugar Grove , WV which was a 12 - 14 hour drive from where I live . But I made that drive several times a year because I love spending time with my daughter and her boys . When her youngest son was 9 mos old he was put in the hospital for 3 days and tested for leukemia , cancer , cerebal palsy and assorted other diseases because he was " failing to thrive " at the time . My mother and I dropped everything and drove straight through the night to get up there to be with them to watch Allan and offer support . It 's so hard dealing with them living so far away now and realizing it 's been a year since I 've seen my sweet grandsons . This is Allan as he looks now - his mommy cut all his hair off so he could look like his daddy . This was the day he had his adenoids removed a month or so back . He handled things pretty well . He just turned 4 in December and he 'll be starting school in Hawaii this year . This is mommy 's boy Nathan . He 'll be turning 3 in July . After he scared us when he was 9 mos old by " failing to thrive " and not gaining weight for several months all of a sudden after much prayer his blood work and tests began showing up normal and he perfectly fine now . He 's a little ham now ! This is Allan last January ( 2007 ) at the beach here in FL . He was so used to all the snow in West Virginia and being able to make snow angels that when he saw the white sand we have at the beach he dropped down and began making " snow " angels . He hurt his head though because this " snow " wasn 't as soft as the snow in WV ! This is what Nathan looked like the last time I saw him last January - he was so little ! I can 't believe how much he has grown up this last year . He is chattering away now and will talk to me on the phone and on the computer webcam . I am stilPosted by Look what I got from Walgreen 's today for $ 14 . 16 ! ! I am so excited about this ! I know you are probably looking at this picture and thinking " BIG WHOOP ! " but to me this is terrific ! My husband inhales peanut M & M 's and popcorn - he LOVES them so I HAVE to keep them in stock - no matter what the cost . . . know what I mean ? ! So when I can find them at a terrific deal I stock up . Same thing with candles . . . hubby is gonna buy them no matter what the cost so I better keep them around and when I can find an awesome deal like this I am doing cartwheels ! My splurge in this deal was the gallon of splenda - sweetened tea - it was 2 . 49 . This was poor planning on my part . I almost always carry bottled water with me wherever I go but I forgot to grab one before I left the house . I shouldn 't have purchased the tea but I was positively famished and had planned on running through a drive - through for a drink on my way home anyway and when I saw the tea I " just had to have it - so I bought it . " Anyway , you still have a couple of days to take advantage of some of these deals so I wanted to share them with you . Raisin Bran & Raisin Bran Crunch are on sale for 1 . 99 each - I used this coupon and got $ 3 . 00 off 3 boxes . M & M 's are on sale for 2 / $ 5 . 00 and I used 2 coupons - one inside the March EasySaver Rebate book which gave me $ 2 . 00 off and 1 from the Sunday coupon insert which gave me another $ 1 . 00 off . Basic Paper Towels - there was a coupon in the Walgreen flyer this week for . 79 / roll and I used another coupon for . 25 off each rollGlade Wisp Flameless Candle - on sale $ 5 . 99 - used this coupon for $ 5 . 00 off - will also mail in the Easy Saver Rebate to receive $ 2 . 00 backOrville Redenbacher popcorn - $ 2 . 49 box - used a coupon for . 40 off - purchased this to complete Easy Saver Rebate # 49 which will allow me to receive a $ 5 . 00 rebate for spending $ 10 . 00 on food products . My total before coupons : $ 31 . 11My total after coupons : $ 14 . 16 My daughter who lives in Hawaii called me today while she was driving to school . We are separated by a 5 hour time zone difference so I don 't normally hear from her in the middle of the day like that - I was a little surprised when she called . She started telling me how she had just heard about a news story that has upset her so much she can 't get it out of her mind and she doesn 't know if she 'll be able to quit thinking about it all day . An 18 - yr - old man raped a 5 - month old baby girl . I can 't even begin to put my emotions into words . If you want to read more about it , go here . Jesus is our reliable basket . We can put all of our faith and love in Him . We can trust Him with our life , our cares , and our future . So today I am in Ocala , FL writing from a hotel room . I 'm waiting on my best friend to finish up a meeting she 's at and then we 'll be heading back home . Throughout the year , she has to attend city council meetings for various counties all over FL and she 'd rather drive than fly and take the chance of her flights getting delayed or cancelled . I will often go with her just to keep her company or to help her drive . We have a great time talking in the car and catching up . We attend church together but our lives are so busy these days we might go a couple of weeks without talking to each other . My friend has 2 daughters who will be 20 and 18 this year . They are a beautiful family . Her husband is the worship pastor at our church . Greg & I and the two of them used to do a lot together until November 2006 when they adopted a newborn baby boy - now their life is chaotic ! LOL It 's such a sweet story though . They had tried to adopt in 2001 ( I think that was the year ? ) and my friend went to the doctor to begin hormone treatments which would allow her to nurse her new baby boy . When the doctor ran bloodwork they discovered she had stage 4 ovarian cancer and they operated that week . What followed next was a year of chemo , radiation and sickness for my friend . She was told she had 6 months to live . She is still here - 7 years later - thriving , beautiful and healthy and they were able to adopt another gift from God 15 months ago . I love flowers . Not just roses but colorful , vibrant flowers . I used to get flowers a lot when Greg and I were dating . I know . . . I know . . . I hear jokes from comedians and others all the time about how once you get married the flowers stop coming . I 've never understood that though . Perhaps it 's because if Greg gave me flowers now as much as he used to then I wouldn 't appreciate them ? He surprised me with a white rose last Saturday . It opened up so beautiful and has remained that way for over a week now . I look at it every day and am amazed at how long it has retained it 's beauty ! Yesterday morning I made a Breakfast Pizza . It was FABULOUS ! ! I got the recipe from a friend when we all went on the Marriage Retreat back in February . She made it for us when we were staying in the chalet together . Here 's the recipe in case you want to try it yourself . 1 pkg McCormick sausage flavor country gravy mixJimmy Dean Regular Sausage - this is the roll of sausage ( I didn 't use JD - I bought what was on sale ! LOL ) pizza crust - premade , non - refrigerated kind ( I will probably make my own crust next time ) 1 8 - oz pkg fiesta style shredded cheeseFor one pizza - Brown half of the tube of sausage and remove from pan . If you want to make two pizzas ( which I do because it tastes great leftover ! ) use the whole tube of sausage . Mix gravy together in pan with sausage drippings and following the directions on the back of package . Rub a little olive oil on pizza crust , then spread the gravy on the crust , spread the sausage over the gravy and top with cheese . Bake at 375 degrees until cheese is melted and crust is light brown . Yesterday was our monthly Meet the Church day . I love these community projects we do every month ! Dakota and I do this together and sometimes Greg will join us . What is Meet the Church ? Our church , along with 4 - 6 other churches in our city , have been instrumental in getting this community missions - minded project going over the last year and a half . On the 3rd Sunday of every month we ( all the churches involved ) join together as one church and go out into the community to different project sites set up all around town and we spend the afternoon showing the love of Jesus to those in our community . We don 't go representing any one church in particular but as the body of Jesus Christ working together . That 's the BEST part ! ! Some of these projects include : a homeless ministry where we set up a shower trailer behind a local restaurant that is closed on Sundays but the owner has graciously offered their parking lot for us to use . The team that 's working that project cooks a meal for the people , provides showers for them and a change of clothes ( clothes that have been donated and socks and underwear that have been purchased ) , and 2 - 3 hairdressers set up to wash and cut hair and shave / trim beards . While the homeless men , women and children ( yes , even children ) are eating - volunteers talk to them about the love of Jesus and have began forming relationships with some of these people . visiting sick children at the Children 's Hospital and praying with them and / or the family . visiting Hospice centers and praying with those that are dying or the family members of those that are close to dying . water / canned drink giveaway at Wal - mart or coffee / hot chocolate in the wintertime $ 5 . 00 gas card giveaway at Wal - martcleaning elderly people 's homes or yardscleaning up old cemetaries in run - down areasblock parties in low income , crime - ridden areas - this has been such a success and has opened many doors ! We started out by setting up a carnival type atmosphere in the playground area with a loud music , bounce house , kids games , face paint , coloPosted by I 've been doing spring cleaning the last two weeks . I have to do it slowly . Take one small project at a time . Dust gives me a migraine so I can 't handle too much dusting at one time . Lifting and sorting for more than a couple hours at a time will cause my back to ache for days . So I 've stretched it out over the last 2 weeks . I 'm still not done ! Dakota has been helping me - he is a big help when he WANTS to be . Because we 've been doing this cleaning we haven 't left the house except for church and one day two weeks ago when we went bowling with the homeschool group . I realized this last night when I decided I just had to get out . I was like a caged animal . Greg worked late . He has worked late everyday this week and he worked unusually late for a Friday night so when he finally arrived home I gathered my stuff and told him I was going grocery shopping . He looked at me surprised because I was going on a Friday night and asked me why I couldn 't go tomorrow . But he doesn 't understand . . . . he leaves everyday to go to work and is gone all day so I realize he is ready to come home and rest . I needed to get out , anywhere ! LOLAs I was preparing to go , Dakota started begging to go with me . At first I told him no because I didn 't want him to rush me or bug me to buy this or that ( not to mention the fact , he had a friend spending the night and I didn 't want to be ganged up on in the grocery store . ) I left without him - but as I drove away I experienced the sweet rush of escape . . . . freedom . . . . I could go anywhere I wanted . . . . and my son 's sad face came into mind . Crud ! ! I realized he is just like me and is just needing to be free for a little while also so I called him and told him to get ready because I was coming back to get him . We drove up to Sonic and had banana splits and ice cream before we went grocery shopping . I was glad I ended up taking them with me because by the time I got home it was 10 : 30 pm and Greg was asleep and I had a lot of groceries to unload ! The boys helped me ! ! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh . . . . . . It felt so good to get out fPosted by Back in the fall I posted that I was being tested for Lupus . After going through several rounds of varying blood tests and x - rays I was finally told in February that I have Fibromyalgia with Hypermobility Syndrome . . . the latter part is a big fancy word for being double - jointed . I found out ( much to my surprise ! ) from my rheumatologist that it 's really not normal to be able to do some of the things that I can do . The funny thing is that this condition is hereditary which would explain why it seemed very normal to me because my mom and my three oldest children can all do the same things I can do , so we thought " everybody " was double - jointed . I 'm very thankful I don 't have lupus ! I am having to build up my muscles in my arms more because that 's where the majority of my pain has been . With the exercises I 've been doing and making sure I get plenty of rest I 've been doing much better this last month . Wow , how awesome is this ! For those of you who have purchased the Gillette Fusion Phenom razor from CVS this last month in their GREAT deal they had ( and if you haven 't taken advantage of it - shame on you ! ) then now there is an even GREATER deal to add to this . Go here and follow the directions to receive a FREE toiletry bag and hand towel . How do you shop for groceries ? Do you shop once a month , every two weeks , or do you make several weekly runs to the store only when you need certain items ? I used to like to shop every two weeks when my husband got paid . Now I try to shop weekly on a Wednesday or Thursday AFTER the new grocery store sales ads have come out and before the stores get real crowded before the weekend . Sometimes if I am out on Monday mornings I will pop into stores to see if they 've reduced their meats from the weekend - you can generally catch some great sales on Monday mornings - but Monday is often my day to catch up on computer work / bookwork from the weekend so it 's not often I 'm out doing errands anymore . I discontinued our newspaper subscription several months ago when I realized we could read all the news online for free and since we are trying to cut corners everywhere this would be a great place to start . At first I missed things like my grocery circulars and coupons , etc but I quickly found out that by going to my favorite store 's website and signing up with them they now email me their weekly ad ! We do still purchase the Sunday paper from the newstand because I can get my coupons and it 's nice to have that big thick Sunday paper to lay around and read on our lazy Sunday afternoons after church - when I don 't even think about turning on the computer ! Okay , so I like to shop at Winn - Dixie . I get my Winn - Dixie ad emailed to me and I click on the ad and it opens up in my browser . I quickly flip through it and add items to " my basket " . ( I can look through my coupons I have on hand either while I am making my list or check my list against my coupons after I have printed it out - I look at my coupons so much I have a pretty good idea of what coupons I have and what I don 't have . ) When I 'm done with that I can review my list or go ahead and print it out . This is the best part because after I have printed out my list and checked to see what coupons I have to match the items on my list , if I don 't have a coupon for a certain item then IPosted by Build a Bear has a code now for $ 5 off any order online . There are several animals that are $ 5 . 00 , such as this puppy . Use the code and just pay shipping ( $ 2 . 95 . ) At checkout enter : 92592 . . . . . where it says do you have a coupon . My husband is on call 24 / 7 . He has a Blackberry permanently attached to his right hip so he can be reached at all hours of the day and night no matter what day of the week it is . I am very grateful he is so good at his job and so respected because it has allowed me to stay home with our children and spend my time raising them . I am also extremely grateful that he keeps his Blackberry on vibrate 99 % of the time because it would become annoying very quickly as often as it goes off between the phone calls , IM 's and emails . Well this past weekend he was not on call . When he is on call I understand getting phone calls at 4 : 30 a . m . But when he isn 't on call , I get a little irritated when his cell phone starts vibrating rather loudly on the nightstand at 4 : 30 in the morning . We both woke up pretty quickly . He answered his phone and I started nagging , talking in the background about " why was so and so calling you and not calling whoever 's on call ! ? " As soon as he gets off the phone he says " Ummm , it 's 5 : 30 - we forgot about Daylight Savings Time . " Me : " Oh crud ! We sure did ! Thank you Jesus for that phone call ! ! ! ! We surely would have been late for church ! ! " Amazing how a little thing will change your perspective isn 't it ? I talked to a lot of people this year that seemed to " miss " the DST announcements . . . what about you ? Save 50 % right now at Restaurant . com and get $ 25 gift certificates for $ 5 . At the checkout simply enter the code LUCK and hit " apply " . This offer ends Sunday , March 16 . I posted some New Year 's Resolutions you can read about here if you are interested . Most of those I am still sticking to but there is one that I am crossing off the list and another one I am going to break down into smaller monthly " Baby Steps " so we can achieve a little bit of success along the way and be able to congratulate our victories along this journey rather that waiting until the end of our release from the bondage of debt . With that said , here 's my goals for March ( I realize by posting them on the internet for all the world to see , it makes me somewhat accountable ! LOL ) : Cook more meals at home - get our total food budget including eating out under $ 350Begin putting money towards the $ 1000 . 00 Emergency Fund - Step # 1 - Dave Ramsey Total Money MakeoverBegin paying off our $ 2000 . 00 credit card - ( the only one we have ) and get rid of it I love going out to eat . We go out to eat a lot ! In 2007 I kept track of where all of our money was spent ( at least the money that was spent using Visa check cards / debit cards and the cash that had receipts turned in - dear husband still doesn 't have the whole " turn all the receipts in " down pat yet so my record keeping is off a little bit . ) Anyway , after running the end of the year report in the program I use I was astonished to find out that we spent close to $ 5000 last year just on dining out in restaurants or fast food joints ! That works out to $ 400 . 00 + a month ! That 's a whole bunch of Happy Meals ! ! Needless to say , now that I have a year 's worth of income / expenses to look at I can see where we need to " trim the excess spending " and this is the FIRST PLACE we are starting . So far in January of this year we spent $ 150 . 00 and in February we spent $ 250 . 00 ( but we were out of town on that Marriage Retreat for a week too . ) I am shooting for even less in March ! Last night I made this delicious homemade pizza crust that I " stole " from Monica 's blog - The Full Table . My husband could eat pizza every night of the week and we generally order it from Pizza Hut at least once a week . I made two pizzas last night because Dakota had a friend spending the night so there would be 6 people eating - we all ate and had some leftover . My husband said this pizza was way DELICIOUS ! ! ! I 'll definitely be making it again ! I didn 't have tomato sauce so I substituted this : 1 can of Italian style diced tomatoes on the boys pizza - since they don 't like to " see " tomatoes I blended them up in the blender to make it into a sauce ; then the toppings I put on theirs was ground turkey I had browned and plenty of cheese . Garden style Ragu - spread parmesan cheese on the crust first , then small bit of Ragu , then fresh spinach leaves , fresh mushrooms , and topped it off with cheese . Thanks Monica - it was great ! ! I started teaching a new Ladies Bible Study back in February called " Creative Correction " by Lisa Whelchel . You 'll remember her from that TV show " The Facts of Life . " " You take the good , You take the bad , You take them both and there you have the facts of life . The facts of life . . . " Haha , now you 're going to be humming the theme song in your head all day ! Okay , I digress - back to my original intent of this post . This is a 7 week study if you include the Intro week . We are in week 4 . I have enjoyed this Bible study immensely ! The only problem I have now is Dakota heard me talking about some of the " methods / correction ideas " Lisa suggested using - many of which I would like to begin implementing - and when he heard me talking about this he said " yeah , I hear you , don 't even try it ! That 's stupid ! " LOLThis may sound rude and disrespectful but Dakota is neither of these . What he is is lazy when it comes to chores and schoolwork which is my fault for being so laid back and now I am trying to figure out how to change that without being a complete tyrant about things . I love this approach so much because she focuses on our relationship with God being the same as our children 's relationship with us . We are to God as our children are to us - therefore they mirror what they see . Boy talk about a kick in the pants ! She also gives great ideas for creative correction based on scripture that we should show our children so they understand we want them to follow God 's commands the same way WE are following His commands so in essence they are learning to follow , love and serve HIM and not just us . Posted by Some of you may be wondering why I keep posting these " deals " . . . ( speaking specifically to my daughter here since she called me yesterday and I told her I was working on writing this post about my " deals of the week " and she asked why I keep putting them on here ) . . . it 's because I have several people who read my blog and are trying to learn how to do this type of shopping and this is an example for them to follow . So bear with me as I lay it all out for those few people . This will be something I continue to do each week . If you aren 't interested , you can always skip these posts . 1st purchase4 Colgate toothpastes - $ 2 . 99 each ; used coupons for $ 1 . 00 off and $ 1 . 50 off . 2 Bounce Lint Rollers - 2 / $ 7 . 00 ; used coupons for $ 1 . 00 offI printed off the Lint roller coupons twice because I was buying 2 . The toothpaste coupons say you can only use one per household and it puts your name on the coupon so I suggest only printing off one each of those . Your purchase will now be over $ 15 . 00 so you can use this coupon - get $ 5 . 00 off every $ 15 . 00 purchase . Go here to find out how to get these coupons . For each toothpaste I earned 2 . 99 in EB ( extra bucks ) 4x2 . 99 = 11 . 96For the lint rollers I earned 2 . 00 EBOut of pocket 9 . 46 + tax ; earned 13 . 96 EB2nd purchasePhenom Razor 9 . 99 - 4 . 00 coupon from 2 / 10 Proctor & Gamble insert in Sunday 's paperEmbrace Razor 9 . 99 - 4 . 00 coupon from 3 / 2 P & G insertMach 3 Razor 7 . 99 - 3 . 00 coupon from 3 / 2 P & G insertDawn dishwashing soap . 97 - . 25 coupon from P & G insert ( 2 ) Cascade gel dishwasher 2 / 5 . 00 - ( 2 ) . 50 coupons from P & G insertI earned 6 . 00 EB for Phenom RazorI earned 6 . 00 EB for Embrace RazorI earned 5 . 00 EB for Mach 3 RazorUsed another $ 5 . 00 off / $ 15 . 00 couponUsed EB from purchase # 1 = $ 13 . 96Out of pocket 3 . 51 ; earned $ 17 . 00 EB3rd purchaseFebreeze Noticeables Starter Kit - 3 . 00 off coupon from 3 / 2 P & G insertFebreeze candle - 1 . 00 off coupon from 3 / 2 P & G insertGlade Wisp Flameless Candle - $ 5 . 00 off couponGlade Wisp Flameless Candle - $ 5 . 00 off couponTide Detergent - . 50 off couponCVS moisurizing lotionI earPosted by Okay , so I read this on my friend 's myspace blog and thought it was hilarious ( because it is SOOOO true ! ! ! ) Only in Florida - . . . Socks are only for bowling . . . . You never use an umbrella because you know the rain will be over in five minutes . . . . A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store , but everything to do with shade . . . . Your winter coat is made of denim . . . . You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites . . . . Anything under 70 is chilly . . . . You pass on the right and honk at the elderly , but pull over for a funeral . . . . You 've driven through Yeehaw Junction . . . . You could swim before you could read . . . . You have to drive north to get to ? " The " South . . . . You know that anything under a Category 3 , just isn 't worth waking up for . . . . You dread love bug season . . . . You are on a first name basis with the Hurricane list . They aren 't Hurricane Charley , Hurricane Frances . . . but Charley , Frances , Ivan and Jeanne . . . . You think a six - foot alligator is actually pretty average . . . . You were twelve before you ever saw snow , or you still haven 't . . . . ' Down South ' means Key West . . . You think New York drivers licenses should only be valid in New York . . . Flip - flops are everyday wear . ( I say flips . . . u say flops ! ! ) . . . Shoes are for business meetings and church , but you HAVE worn flip flops to church before . ( shamelessly I admit I do all the time ! LOL ) . . . Sweet tea can be served at any meal . . . . An alligator once walked through your neighborhood . . . . You smirk when a game show 's ' Grand Prize ' is a trip or cruise to Florida ~ ~ oooohhh . . . aaaahhh ! ! ! . . . You have a drawer full of bathing suits , and one sweatshirt . . . . You think everyone from a bigger city has a northern accent . . . . You know the four seasons really are : hurricane season , love bug season , tourist season and summer . . . It 's not soda , cola , or pop . it 's coke , regardless of brand or flavor , ' What kinda coke you want ? ' . . . Anything under 95 is just warm . . . . You 've hosted a hurricane party . . . . You understand the futility of exterminating cockroaches . . . . You can pronounce OkeePosted by Dakota decided to go out of town with his grandparents yesterday for a family reunion . Poor guy had no clue what he was getting himself into . . . I don 't go to those anymore because everybody I knew has died . I 'm not one to sit around and listen to the " old - timers " tell stories of who did what with who and when they did it because I don 't know who the people are and I don 't care what they did . This probably makes me sound heartless and uncaring but it 's kind of hard to connect when you see these people once a year and they don 't remember you from year to year . I say all of that to say this - when church was over Greg and I both hit the front door like a bullet from a gun . It was a beautiful day and we both had the same idea ! Head to the beach ! We rushed home , changed clothes , packed up some bottled water , towels , our iPods and our chairs and we were ready to roll . It was a glorious day out there . . . oh my goodness , the sun on my face felt wonderful ! I guess a whole bunch of other people had the same idea because the beach was packed ! We drove further away from the main part of the beach and we were still around a whole bunch of people . We stayed out there enjoying the sun and listening to our iPods for about 2 1 / 2 hours before the wind started getting too chilly for us so we packed up and left . That was enough time for us to both get burnt though . I was hoping this was the start of Spring . . . but after watching the weather this morning on the news I see it 's supposed to rain tonight and turn cold again this week . Oh well , I enjoyed yesterday !
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Menima and Raziya have been sister nations since their founding , back in 1320 . At that time , a King and his wife gave birth to twin sons , each wanting to be ruler . When the King passed , rather than have his sons feud , he split his nation in two , naming each half after the other . Raziya was ruled by the younger of the two twins , Mennia . Menima was ruled by the elder , Raziel . For centuries , the two countries have been friendly towards one another , building a thriving economy between the two . To this day , the countries are ruled by the same blood lines . To the south , Menima had built up a reputation for it 's fine mineral deposits off of it 's eastern shore , while on the west it produced some of the finest metal products in the world . Their schools have made an impact on the world at large , rulers all the way from Molydean having sent their children to study there . To the north , Raziya processed these products , refining them and distributing them . The rich soil and warm temperatures year round allowed the people to farm and provide food for those to the south . Their art had been heavily influenced by the people of Danbachi and Creta , and though rare , was considered to be some of the best in the world . As such , it took the world by surprise when the flames of war broke out . It started when the North yielded a poor harvest . For the first time in ages , Raziya struggled to feed it 's own people - - even with the plentiful ocean around them . The fish evaded their nets , and their crops were dwarfed at best . Refusing to allow her people to starve , the reigning King closed off food trade with the South and sent his soldiers to stock pile any food they could find - - distributing it evenly among his people until the famine passed . Needless to say , with their primary food source refusing to do trade , the south quickly fell into disorder . People began to panic . Raids broke out , and the nation of Mnemia threatened to collapse upon itself . Until their Queen took charge . She offered food to all who joined the armed forces , and free education in her University to the children of anyone enlisted . Fleets of ships were built and sent to fish , capturing enough to sustain the army as it grew - - and an anger washed over the people like wild fire . The North , the Queen said , had abandoned them . Raziya had betrayed them and shown their true colors as selfish and ruthless people . She called for revenge . The famine kept on , even into today . Crops still refuse to grow - - and many farms had been burned , and farmers killed . The sandy ground of the Island had been stained with blood , and it only seemed to be getting worse with each passing day , as the boarder of Menima stretched farther and farther north . Other Nations got involved only six months ago . Troops from as far Xing had been sent to help either the North and South . Raziya was dying , their king gone into hiding . Amestrian soldiers came to help - - though in doing so prompted their own neighbors to the north , the people of Drechma , to support the south . Asher frowned , watching the sun set with a mix of awe and frustration . It was beautiful , watching the light play off the clouds . The sand in the air from the Southern breeze carried dust from the Eastern Desert - giving the sunset an even more otherworldly glow , like someone set the sky itself ablaze . Yet , while the view was amazing , he couldn 't help but dread what it meant . Another night in a war zone . He glanced back to the family huddled behind him , the mother carefully measuring out rice to serve to him and the rest of his squad . While they had brought the rice by the boat load , it never seemed to be enough to really help . He shifted , uncomfortable in the blue uniform of State Alchemist . Finally , he shook off the outer coat , hanging it on the porch post beside him along with his hat . He simply had to look away from the woman . He knew what she had lost . How the night before she had plead with him , like he were some sort of God to bring her son back to life . He felt the pit of his stomach churn as he remembered hearing the woman cry herself to sleep when he denied her request . And yet , she still offered her home to him and his comrades . Chalk ran across the dirt as it finished off the circle , the white resting brightly upon the earth as yellow stared with the usual untamed joy . Peering up she sat back on her legs as she pointed towards the centre of the array , smile bright upon her features as she motioned for him to step into it . " Just stay there so I can heal you . " Samantha knew full well that her home was currently battling the south , her being from Raziya , but she couldnt ignore the young male that had been injured . Part of the south or not . As he stepped into her array she nodded at her enemy before pressing her hands down to the array , letting the white lines burst with a eery glow as the alchemy took effect . Slowly the wounds began to close , the crimsom leaking from the deep cuts cease as the process continued . Eventually she pulled her hands away , dragging herself to her feet as she stared at the southern soldier . " Ive closed the wounds but you still need to be careful . . . " she pointed out as she spun around to grab her bag . The soldier was wide eyed as he stared at the place where deep lines once marred his skin . " Thanks doctor . . . " was the raspy response from the Mneria soldier . Walking back over to him she reached up , patting his shoulder before using her foot to smudge the lines of her previous alchemy . Luckily her mind refused to forget what it took note of so she easily made the array without revealing the small book that held many useful sketches and information . Adjusting her bag she looked ahead where the border was , the feeling of warmth made her smile peacefully . " Your welcome ! Though , please dont tell anyone on your side about me . I dont really feel like getting captured or killed . " she added , turning as she scratched her cheek . " Though . . . I cant blame you if you did report me . . well . . . I have to go Mr . Soldier ! " once again she was to kind to even try and threaten him because she attempted to understand . It was his job after all . With a soft yawn she waved goodbye , running her fingers through blonde locks as she shook her head . Samantha had no time to sleep and her eyes were slightly blurred from exhaustion but she had to pass the border where she would be secure . The soldier now out of sight caused the doctor put her arms above her head , stretching as she looked at the area she was in . " I was further in than I thought . . . " she murmured , frowning as she crossed her arms . " But I needed that plant . . . gah . " she threw her arms up as she continued on her path , steps heavier . " Stupid useless war . . . people just die . . . " always the one to oppose killing , Samantha stilled placed blame on both sides . Mneria and Raziya . Adisson woke from another nightmare . He looked at the clock on the nightstand by his bed . It was about 7 : 00 p . m . " Seems about right , " he said to himself . He could always count on his nightmares to wake him promptly . He got out of the bed groggily and wiped a hand down his face . Their was no sound coming from the outside city , which was to be expected with soundproof walls . Adisson pulled his two handguns from under his pillow and went to a part of the wall completely covered with curtain . He parted it to reveal a large glass wall , from which he had a view of downtown Menima . He 'd pretty much gone unscathed since the beginning of the war . His area of specialty relegated him to nothing more than the occasional investigator , while the soldiers fired the big guns . His salary , though , hadn 't changed , and as a high ranking officer , he had available a steady supply of food while his countrymen went hungry . He didn 't dwell on those thoughts , he 'd worked for his meal , the others hadn 't . He finally closed the curtain to his 5 story apartment home and went to work sorting files . Envy sits in the top of a clock tower , watching the city . The people all passed by , going about their lives , almost as if no war was happening at all . It was strange , that so much calamity was possible without affecting the inner populations way of acting . " So much to do . So much to do . Can we just go down there already ? I 'm bored as heck . " He exclaimed , looking at Pride and Wrath . Pride looked at his younger sibling . " It is not yet time for us to make our move , not nearly time . Please attempt to contain yourself until told otherwise . It simply wouldn 't do for the Menimians to discover our existence at this time . We 've not sunk our influence deep enough into the Raziyann government . In due time you will have your bloodshed , Envy . " Pride walked off into the shadows of the clock tower . He wasn 't one to stick around the other Homunculi very long after giving an order . He preferred Mother 's company , when he wasn 't on stage pretending to be an adorable little piano prodigy . He could feel the soldiers out on the battlefield dying at a higher rate . The war was escalating . Soon enough it would be a prime opportunity for the homunculus to move out of the shadows and into the bloodshed . Located within a dark room that was illuminated by roaring flames a certain homunculus stood , soaring red creating a orange hue to his usually untainted white hair and glow to piercing red eyes . Fingers , clad in grey gloves shifted the frames up the bridge of his nose and he ignored the ash that drifted to the ground tauntingly , the last remaining piece of evidence to his previous crime . The human became boring , hence the bloodied room was previously filled with pained screams and fruitless beggining . Victor huffed , dragging his hair back as the flames vanished with the distinctive whisp of black as the homunculus was left in complete darkness . With a small frown the youngest turned upon his heels to escape the small home and onto the streets . His usual white dress shirt was stained with red at its hem , his clothes as usual were dishevelled . With a roll of his eyes , Lust shoved his hands into his pockets before headig off to find his ' darling siblings ' , knowing full well some would find his usual activities an annoyance . Del watched the scene below from where she sat high up in a tree , the shadows it cast mostly concealing her from unfriendly eyes . The large tree was located in Raziya just a yard from the border . She watched as a blonde woman ( Samantha ) healed an injured Menima soldier , she recognized the girl as a Raziyan , yet she didnt seem to care about sides . ' Interesting . . . ' When the blonde started making her way back to the border she could tell by her sluggish movements exhaustion was weighing heavy on her . When she was about a meter out from the border Deliora spotted an enemy sniper in the bushes a ways behind the Raziyan . Her crystal azure eyes narrow on the enemy , taking a deep breath she drops from the branch she 'd been sitting on . She was wearing a dark blood red cloak was the hood pulled up concealing her snow white hair . It fluttered slightly as she fell through the air to land expertly on her feet , as soon as her feet hit the ground she sprinted forward over the border toward the girl . The sniper must of noticed her because the gun barrel moved slightly from where she spotted it ' Crap ! ' Clapping her gloved hands together an electric current passes through them signaling a transmutation at the same time she shouts toward the blonde . " Get down ! " Del slides to a stop behind the girl at the same time a shot fires off , what use to be her automail hand / forearm was now a thick metal shield about 1 1 / 2 ft round . Holding up the shield the bullet bounces off it protecting both of them as Del stands between the sniper and the blonde . I can be either passive or aggressive . If the situation allows me to be either , I 'll jump in . Though , I would prefer aggressive over passive . Why ? Just to make things intense and more interesting . Standing on top of the clock tower , Wrath , or also known as Noah , was leaning against the ledge , tilting his head backwards , gazing at the humans , from the corner of his violet eyes , with a small touch of red . With his quiet demeanor for now , his expression showed no emotion . His eyes narrowed down . An annoying feeling was starting to spark in his mind . The peaceful life of the humans down below was not accepted by him , but he was also a man of patience , and knew when he had to act . Listening in on Pride and the contained feelings of Envy who was eager to kill and slaughter the humans , his attention did not divert from the view before him . Once Pride lectured Envy and ventured off into the darkness , Noah spoke up . " Being Envy and all . . If you 're that eager to slaughter the humans , how about you start by having one human kill another ? . . " Trying to suggest an idea where he wouldn 't have to directly be involved , it would atleast be for amusement . Pushing himself away from the ledge , he ran his hand through his lengthy but purple blue hair . Fluttering with the wind , he continued . " Make sure you don 't do anything foolish . . " Taking a small pause , he turned around , facing the exit . His role as a human amongst the people in the city was well known . People knew him as Noah , which was his other identity amongst the humans . Noah was going to meet one of his puppets to extract the information he had gotten for the said month , and possibly act if neccessary . Things are only just starting . # 8 Reiko twirled his cane around with one finger , balancing the piece of wood and metal with mindless ease as he walked down the crowded street . He was wearing his usual mask ( ( the one in his pic ) ) that seemed to give him a mysterious air making people more attracted to him rather than stay away , mostly young girls . ' Humans are so odd . . . . But there is one thing we have in common . . . ' his scarlet eyes roam over the busy street stopping on a small crowd standing around a man playing a dice game ' Greed . . . . ' grinning darkly he makes his way toward the crowd but stop in his tracks . Reiko felt the presence of Noah near by , ' Whats stickler doing round here ? ' his curiosity winning out over his gambling urge he vanishes into the shadows traveling to where he felt Noah 's presence [ Eh , sure , I 'll do a name tag ] Envy " Sounds good to me . Better than sitting in this damned thing all day . " Envy jumped down from the tower and walked into the street out of an alleyway . After walking for a bit he noticed a few men standing around a bar , they were all drunk . " Hehe . . . Easy . " Envy listened to one of each of the men 's voices , and as he passed by , he talked like the men and made them " insult each other " Soon , the drunken men threw down into a sort of bar brawl . One of them broke his bottle and used it as a weapon . Another picked up a stool from inside and threw it at the one he thought insulted him . It wasn 't long before nearly the entire bar was going at it . " Humans . . . Pfft . Prey to their own creations and stupidity . Alcohol , I don 't see the appeal . Dulls ones senses . Makes you easy to fool . " He walked away , listening to all the men hurl insults and beat each other . He heard a few screams and plenty of gasps . Sounds like the first kill , Envy smirked . " I 'll bet it was the one with the bottle stabbing another . " He looked behind him and sure enough , there was a body on the ground with a bottle impaled in his chest . " Heh . . . Knew it . " He walked away and found himself in a marketplace , surrounded by greedy merchants and not - so - careful buyers . " Tell me about it . " a feminine voice droned beside Victor . Sloth waved down to her brother from her perch atop a small shop balcony . " I was told to come find you . " She said , resting her chin in her hand . " So , since I 've found you does this mean I get to stop running around this God forsaken city ? " Neulin wore her hair back in a bandanna , her golden eyes looking down with mild curiosity at Lust . Where had he come from that she hadn 't been able to find him sooner ? Not that she cared - - other than for the thought that she might have been finished sooner and been relaxing by now had he not been hiding . Passive aggressive . I can do both and like it best if my partner can too for an appropriate amount of push and pull . Taking turns works . That keeps it fresh for everyone . Candy walked down the street , having spotted more than one of her siblings along the way . Unlike the ones that seemed to enjoy killing the humans left and right whom they believed to be inferior , she saw it differently . The humans , though frail , were not something to be exterminated . After all , they made such wonderful things . Crushing them would eliminate all the good things they had to offer . Being so numerous , they could put out so much more than the homunculi could , wonderful books filled with knowledge discovered and shared between them but most of all , the wonderful stories that they wrote . In fact , she had just been in a library not ten minutes before , netting herself an extra large bag of reading material to last her for the week . The others could sate their desires as they pleased but she personally found it all unnecessarily destructive . " They 're going to break something again , aren 't they ? " she asked herself . It was pointless , though . She already knew the answer . A voice snapped him from his thoughts as his ruby glaze slid upon his sister , causing a slight quirk to his lips , hands shoved into pockets as for a moment he stared . Eventually he sighed , grinning at her before shrugging , once again continuing to walk down the street like nothing happened . " Fetch me huh ? " He trailed off as he let white locks cover his sight , leaving the common black frames visible but the normally vivid eyes gone . " Wrath will probably not be happy with what I did . . . so , why do I need to be fetched ? " He asked , pausing once more before turning to Sloth . He was genuinly curious after all . Though it didnt stop him smirking , idly shifting the frames once more as he hummed . " Not like I will tell them what I was doing . Though humans will probably ruin my secrecy . " He added , groaning in annoyance . " I honestly dont see why we dont get rid of them now . " The homunculus named Lust huffed , currently being bored , as he looked around at the houses with distaste , fingers clenching . " Are we meeting with the others ? If its not important I would like to go find something to do . . . : To say the least , Samantha was exhausted . Her limbs felt sluggish and her eyes were narrowed despite their normal look of enthusiam , her chest heaved but not in a lack of air but a deep yawn that made her whole body shift . It was in her walks that she had pulled the dark blue cloack over her , if only to hide the features that would supposedly mark her as one from Raziya . Hands dragged it in closer as blue looked curiously from under the hoods shadows , golden locks still escaping to fall down her shoulders . While she was exhausted she was enjoying herself in some small way so when a shout interupted her she squeaked , eyes wide as she obeyed with little hesitation , dropping to the ground . The tell tale of alchemy brightened the air as her eyes shifted upon its source , a cloaked figure , with curiousity . It was quick but eventually a metal shield was the force stopping a bullet to her brain . Samantha gaped at the sight before her , a lack of belief forming in her heart as she pulled herself to her knees , sitting upon them as she stared at her saviour . " Why . . . " she was trying to understand why this person stood between her and a death she didnt even know was coming . Though it wasnt long before her usual accomidating personality returned and she once again held a smile . Though it was plagued by her exhaustion . " Thank you ! " She called out over the sound as she slowly slid to her feet , adjusting her bag as she frowned . " I Didnt think that I would get caught this quick . . . . " she added uncertainly before shaking her head . " I cant blame them , I am from their enemies lands I guess . . . " Blue shifted upon the one with the red coat and currently using this or her auto mail as a shield . Her head tilted and worry appeared in her eyes . " How . . . do we get out of this . . . " Samantha was far from a fighter , being more like the type to freeze up , which was why her shock had made her words stutter slightly , hands clenching the material of her cloak in worry . Even if she were to run they had spotted them after all . I can be either passive or aggressive . If the situation allows me to be either , I 'll jump in . Though , I would prefer aggressive over passive . Why ? Just to make things intense and more interesting . Walking down an alley , it did not take long before he felt the presence of another sibling , Greed . Stopping in his tracks , he uttered . " Greed , what are you doing here ? " He asked him a question , waiting for him to reveal himself . After a few moments , once Greed appeared before him , he turned around , gazing upon his fellow kind . " If its nothing important , you might as well tag along or get back to your business , Reiko . " He finished , standing there , with no humans around . His violet eyes sparkled for a second . His demeanor was serious . Noah had something important to intend to . Addison was puzzled as he poured over his files in the dark room . " This is a strange pattern , " he commented to himself . For the past hour and a half he 'd sat at his table examining a strange pattern of occurrences . " So , many of the special operatives who have been sent into Raziya turn up burned or minced . Someone is obviously getting information on our operatives . And their strange deaths is another matter . " He looked blankly out into the darkness for a moment as he thought . " Is this some new form of alchemy ? Is Raziya improving their alchemy ? " What was most puzzling of all was the information that was leaking from Raziya to him . Several unexplained deaths , which were poorly investigated by the Raziyan government , and even covered up in some instances . " If my info is to be trusted , these civilian deaths are oddly reminiscent of the Menimian operatives ' deaths . So judging from all this evidence , their is a reckless group of persons , possibly alchemists , who are working under the Raziyan government killing our operatives . These persons are not driven by patriotism as they kill their own countrymen , but they are probably important to the Raziyan government since their is no penalty being incurred on the persons committing these rash murders . " Addison was fairly certain his thesis was correct . But their was only one way to prove it . More investigation . He would need Menima to get him into Raziya . Asher abandoned his seat on the porch and called back over his shoulder that he as going to do a quick sweep of the area before venturing off . Going off solo was typically considered a no - no , especially in a war zone . . . Though , no one seemed to have the heart to stop him . His friends simply nodded , allowing him to wander off . Everyone needed alone time every now and again , and if anyone could take care of themselves , Asher could . He walked around the old farm house , headed for the barn as he put his gloves on . Alchemical circles were embroidered into the cloth , allowing for him to use a basic light manipulation blast at will . For anything more complex , he would need a few seconds to prepare . He frowned , rubbing his hands in an attempt to get the feeling back into them . Everyone once in a while they did this , going all pins and needles . One of the drawbacks of automail . Still , it was a fair trade off . A little numbness and discomfort for mobility ? He reached the barn and was greeted by the baying of horses and a deep bellow of one of the bovines . The farm was near the boarder , he recalled , and out of caution drew his pistol as he entered the barn . Perhaps he was paranoid ? Be that as it may - - it didn 't mean he was wrong to be hesitant . Reiko smirked behind his mask as he stepped out of the shadows with his cane against his shoulders his hands resting lazily on the ends . " I was just wondering what Wrath was doing in the slums , gonna get your hands dirty old man ? " He asks sarcastically his scarlet eyes flashing with curiosity and bloodlust . Slicking back his medium length light blonde hair with his black gloved hand he ignores Noah 's show of power . " Only if you promise it will be fun ~ " he responds coyly to his tag along comment . Suddenly in a blur of movement Greed tosses his cane high into the air before cracking his knuckles , catching it smoothly right before it hits the ground . " Who will we be having fun with tonight , brother ? " I can be either passive or aggressive . If the situation allows me to be either , I 'll jump in . Though , I would prefer aggressive over passive . Why ? Just to make things intense and more interesting . Noah stood there , gazing at his brother . " I am just passing by . Being here is nothing but a trivial matter . But , I am surprised you didn 't stumble upon Envy or Pride . " A small smile came across his face , scanning the area around him , being in the slums and all . His eyes narrowed down . Noticing poor people against the wall . Beggars and homeless people . It was nothing but a disgusting sight . ' Pathetic . . Humans are so . . . Pathetic . . ' He murmured in his thoughts , before diverting his attention back towards Reiko . " Is it these slums you enjoy so much ? . . . " He asked , before he started to approach him . " These humans . . Who basically dont exist . These humans , who are considered worse than even ants ? . . " As he approached his brother , he stopped in his tracks . A small sigh left his mouth , remembering what he actually intended on doing . " I have some information to extract , Reiko . . Unless you would want to ? " He posed a question . Seconds later , he turned around , facing the exit of the alley way . " Would that suffice your need to have some fun ? Or would you rather stay here , among these unsightly humans ? " # 19 Pride sat in the backseat of the car while his chaperon drove him to his house , or at least what she believed was his house . She was a blonde girl who could have been no more than 23 . Pride despised her overly - happy and hyper attitude toward life , but of course , Gremory was completely infatuated with this girl . She glanced at him in the back seat and smiled . Gremory smiled back . " Sooooo . . . " she began . " How was your little tour of the clock tower Grem ? I 'm sure that tall guy , Noah was it , showed you everything there was to see . Though I can 't imagine that was much . " Gremory smiled at her . " I had a great view from the top . I could see most of Raziya from up there . It was really cool . " " That 's great , " she chirped back . Gremory sank back into his seat . When the time comes , he thought . This girl will be the first to die . Iwaku is a roleplay community . We don 't just write stories - we live them ! Roleplaying is stepping in to the life of a character and experiencing what they experience . Here on Iwaku , we 're all about giving you the freedom to write anything you want while providing a safe and friendly community to do it in . Our site contains forum roleplay , chat roleplay , group roleplay , private roleplay , as well as other methods for living your stories . We are a community ran by REAL PEOPLE ! We are not a corporation or a company . Our server , domain , and software licenses are privately owned and paid for 100 % out of our own pockets . To help pay for these monthly costs , we are more than happy to take donations from members in exchange for super spiffy extra tools and features on the boards . For more information you can view our Donating FAQs .
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The funnisest sight i saw was on my way home . A group of lads , about 14 , all in girls clothing complete with shoes ! And one of them desparately tying to catch them upfailing miserably in the shoes and tight skirt ! I laughed all the way home like a demented idiot ! ! ! posted by Lou Lou @ 7 : 00 : 00 pm | . . : : hello there : : . . Saturday , October 30 , 2004 i stayed up late last night , cos i could i guess . I got up early well early considering i was in bed well after 2am ! 9am up , by 10am we were out in the car driving to the surf shop to shell out shitloads of money . ( hubby 's kitesurf stuff ) Of course A , was still in bed and hadn 't opened up , heavy night on the tiles ? So we popped along to a charming cafe down near the seafront for a coffee and milkshakes . ( i had tea last time and his teabags are crap ) It 's nice to site in the sun , watching the sites , fat people clutching their carrier bags of beach stuff ! Thin people who haven 't a care in the world , and other ordinary people who just seem to blend in . I wonder what sort of person i am , how people see me . How do you lot see me ? Alex was open by the time we finished , we stayed there for ages chatting . Hubby was gonna buy me some lush surfwear but i declined the offer , * crazy * cos i want to lose this bit of extra weight first . We flashed the cash , my handbag seriously lighter and packed the car . Headed off to the beachclub we 're members to chill and hope the wind got up enough to surf . It didn 't so we chit chatted to friends , hubby set up the lines and adjusted everything ready but the wind didn 't lift easterly winds just are no good in the bay ! So we had a nice lunch and toddled off home . I 've not felt great tonight tired i guess , yet here i am again burning the midnight oil ! It 's 1 1 / 2 hours into halloween here ! Relaxing evening chatted to Scarlet and got serious gossip , which i am not at liberty to share ! But be sure it is juicy ! Watched tv , and played on the pc . I 'm bored so here i am again ! Tomorrow , well today actually , we are gonna have a lazy day , hope that the wind comes in so hubby can go play , i shall be indulging in the sport myself when i am stronger and not so fragile . It 's close to flying i 'm told . I can 't wait . And then late afternoon onwards we are off to a halloween party with W and B whcih promises to be good . . . . . . . . and yes i will be dressing up ! The viking ship is finally dry so the decoration will begin shortly , i 'm rather pleased withmyself . Only hope it 'll be watertight and float . I have a sinking feeling it will do just that and sink ! It does look the part though ! Still in a bit of shock i guess , you see nothing ever ever runs smoothly for me , ever , and because if this i , of course had assumed the worst . I cannot begin to tell you the sheer relief i have . Life is getting back to normal . I can finally have a shower , properly , i removed the dressing today and it was really odd , to be able to wash properly . I 'm still very bruised although it 's beginning to fade a bit . I 'm not in pain like i was either just random hits of pain which can range from awful to just a little wince . Sleeping is easier , not so much worry and i 'm a lot more comfortable . Tuesday morning when i woke up the morning after the strips were removed , i glanced under the covers to see if i had once again split open . I was , i have to say aghast for a moment there was a red patch . On closer inspection i realised it was my nipple ! I have had such large dressings on it had been weeks since i had seen it properly . I still have to wear a small dressing just to keep it clean , and protect the scabby bits which will fall off of their own accord i 'm told . Exciting day ahead tomorrow for hubby , we pick up his new kite and board . Me thinks i might treat myself to a another new voodoo dolls bikini . Half term is over and it 's gone so fast . I guess the time is precious to me , I 'm grateful i have it . Things could have been so much worse . In a few minutes my life could have turned more upside down than it was . Bugger posted by scarlet @ 5 : 34 : 00 pm | . . : : blasted blogger , i had news i wanted to share : : . . So i tried on and off all bloody day to get into blogger , or anyblogspot site for that matter , and for whatever reason it was down i was well pissed off . I had news you see news i wanted to share with you all . I was awful scared . Yesterday i had the first appointment with the surgeon , 8 . 30am . I was crapping myself before i went into his office , i sat on the chair outside the door in a state of ever increasing panic feeling sick shaking and generally about to pass out . At last he welcomed me inside . He explained i had lost an awful lot of blood due to the size of the tumour . He said that 's one of the reasons my wound split open , because there was nothing underneath the skin there anymore . He said he had the results . He left the office to get a nurse for my examination and i burst into tears as i took off my upper clothing . The relief tremendous . The scar he says is looking better and healing well . It will take time but eventually the tissue will rebuild itself over where the tumour was . Tearful on and off all day and i still feel it now . I can 't believe to tell you how grateful i am that i don 't have cancer . I feel very very lucky . I want to take this opertunity to all of you have shown support to me through this difficult time through the comments and by email . I have made some special blogfriends out there . I thank you all for your good wishes , and your prayers . It was i have to say the highlight of my day ! Once they noticed they had an audience , Me , hubby , princess and D M and A ! they crawled off , one still ontop ! And he was not letting go ! posted by Lou Lou @ 7 : 58 : 00 pm | . . : : half term day 2 : : . . Half term , 2 days in . Awoke after a luxuriant lay in Princess in a lovely mood having had a great sleep herself . Amazing what a difference an hour or two makes ! We 've had a lovely lazy morning , watching a dvd . We chose Bridget Jones Diary , an old favourite . I 'm being a really really good girl food wise . I tried to get on earlier to post but my isp was down . So i went and played Sims instead . Princess has been making fabulous collages for me using my face pads ( you know those round cotton wooly things ) I have had a catastrophy here though . A minor one in the scheme of things . Remeber that fabulous designer sofa bed i bought , well i needed to wash the cover . It being dark red with cream trim i was a bit worried it would run , and it did the trim became pink . SO i tolddled off to the local supermarket and bought some colour run stuff followed the instructions to the letter , and what have i got ? I took all the pink out the trim , oh thats wonderful but also patches allover the cover are stripped of colour too i am not a happy bunny to say the least . I am gonna have to go and find some dylon or something to match it and sort it ot . How the hell do i keep the cream bits cream then ? I thought maybe using wax you know lie batique , but that always cracks and colour seaps through any ideas guys ? please ? posted by Lou Lou @ 11 : 04 : 00 am | . . : : only me : . . Monday , October 25 , 2004 Manic night , M and D popped round for an impromtu bbq after the lads played golf . L Princesses best friend who had been here all day playing also stayed for tea and a sleepover . The kids ran riot and completely trashed princeses bedroom . I am not a happy mummy . I had a few drinkies , i 'm on Gin now , cos its better to dirnk calorie wise than wine apparently . so i went to bed early , completely bolloxed . Up early this am , i know i know it 's half term . But i had an appointment at the Doctors . Got the girls up and sorted and off we went . I am now steri strip free , the wound is healing sufficiently for their removal ! YAY , the swelling is subsiding although there is still a lot of bruising present , and i notice that i am left with an undeniable dent where the lump was removed from . Not a big dent but a dent nonetheless . I am told by the nurse , who has been through te same thing that the breast tissue will grow back there . Busy day ahead , W L 's Mum is coming for coffeeand so is M and then this afternoon we are all offf out together , with the kids . Should be fun . The weather here is fabulous as always , i can 't believe it 's late october and i am still in shorts and wearing bikinis ! Its amazing especially when i talk to the likes of Scarlet and she tells me just how the weather is back in blighty . I am outraged just now by something in the news . The Black Watch . Poor bastards are being sent off to another part of Iraq , just so Tony Blair can keep up George Bush 's arse and help his chances of re - election . Apparently there is a legitimate reason for this deployment . Is this like the legitimate reason for the war ? it 's not getting better . Wasn 't the removal of saddam supposed to make their lives better ? Our lads should be home with their families and let the twats kill each other if thats what they want to do . i 'm not a political person but it really does make my blood boil . Next election i will not be voting for blair , hes a tosser . re us elections , kerry hopefully will win , he 's in the mold of the divine mr clinton who did shitloads for that country and yet they fired him for spunking on a fucking dress . Fantastic post though babe . I actually think Milky participates in the sport . . . he certainly knows how to party and has absolutely no hold backs . in fact he is a complete exhibitionist . . . . maybe we should be expecting a post soon from him detailing his experiences ? Been a a good few days . The hole in my tit is healing nicely at last ! I hope to get the strips of it tomorrow , and then on wednesday i see the surgeon and get the results . I 'm feeling ok about it at the moment . Spent yesterday morning looking at kite surfing kit and then ordering an expensive kite ( wipika matrix 11metre ) / board / harness for hubby , christmas and his birthday have come early , and he will not be getting anything else ! We got a fab end of season deal on it . He is i have to say very lucky i love him so much ! I am a blooody brilliant wife . My consolation prize , a pair of reef flip flops ! Oh and some amazing mascara that makes my lashes look like they 're false ! From 3pm onwards the merriments began and B and W 's house , lots of us on the piss , eating curry . Got home about 10pm so i could ring Scarlet and then moved onto next door for yet more drinking and merriment . Interesting start to my food management programme ! I guess i 'll start it tomorrow ! ! ! ! ! it was not as hard as i thought it would be ! I am quite proud of myself . Tomorrow is Monday , which means it 's half term ! It 's a welcome break from getting up at 6am . . . for a week anyway ! And i 'll probably have no hair left my friday , Princess is having a friend to stay one night too ! Gonna go now , got a dressing to change , and i might actually get dressed ! posted by scarlet @ 3 : 00 : 00 pm | . . : : just another day : : . . Thursday , October 21 , 2004 I 've been taking it easy . Well i 'm allowed and i 'm supposed to ! Taking it easy Lou Lou style means not gutting the house like a whirlwind on a daily basis scrubbing it till it gleams , it means not hoovering up to 3 times a day . It means sitting down , taking it easy trying not to nod off . . . . . which invaribly is happening ! This morning i had my language course , of which i could only go for an hour due to an impending hospital visit . I went to see the nutricienist / dieticien bloke to find out just why i 've gone from a size 8 to a 14 is not a lot of time . To find out why my metabilism has stopped cos no matter what i do i can 't lose the weight that appeared from nowhere . I ate no different it just all appeared . Anyway i have some instructions , some Food advice , cos we don 't use the word diet with him ! I have to write a food diary for the next two weeks and go back and see him . . . . . . So i came home , put the kettle on had a cuppa , ate 9 biscuits and tonight ate my last supper . Spag bog a big helping with cheese . It will be a long time before i can eat like that again . * sob * Normally i do not feast on biccies . . . . . but as i said a whole new regime starts tomorrow . We have compromised on certain food stuffs , there is no way i said i am having skimmed milk . . . . . so we worked out if i stopped sugar all together in my tea , and cut down the cups of tea i drink then i can have semi skimmed , which i have anyway . . . . . . . i have a list of does and don ' ts we 'll see what happenes i 'll try it . i want to find me again . I don 't feel like me anymore . I know i 've got a lot of shit going on i know my health is shot to shit i know i 'm 30 * cough 31 * years old and i 'm falling to pieces . i havent felt myself for a while whith everything going on . I haven 't looked myself for a while either . . . . . myself being a very slender 5ft3 1 / 2 . . . . with no tits . the only great thing about getting fat is that from somewhere a pair of great tits arrived . i wonder if we can sort it somehow so i get to keep them ? This afternoon we settled down for a quiet afternoon , hubby spent all yesterday afternon kitesurfing so i laid on the beach with a book . . . . tomorrow we 'll be doing the same . so this afternoon , oh yes quiet with a book , i started to drift so i went for a lay down rather than get a crick in my neck . they woke me up at 5 . 30 ! I had slept a few hours ! I 've just been showing scarlet and my mate t my tit on the webcam . . . . . . general concensus . . . ouch . . . . ooooh . . . . . . . owwwww . . . . . . . . nasty . So there you have it ladies and gents it is officially horrible . I even provided a ruler so they could see how big it was . . . . the scar not my tit ! Cos that dear loveys is what i am . Bored . I 'm still on restriction of what i am able to do , ffs i find it haard even to get dressed in the morning let alone the amount of time it takes me to have my half shower ! SO what am i doing ? not a lot . Of course i could just be planning my next daring spy mission ( so not to dissapoint scarlet ) but no , in reality i 'm doing a lot of sitting and laying down , trying to catch up on my reading which fails dismally cos i keep falling asleep . I 'm trying hard to stay awake , as mentioned in the comments all the lovely music that 's blasting out my house trying to keep me awake , thanks darlings for the suggestions i 'll be sure to try and get that spinal tap one , i 'm sure the neighbours would love that if they can understand enough english ! I 'm poised to putting on a bit of tenacious at the mo . . . * scarlets and mines favourite togetherness cd * But i think a bit of the new george michal will go down a treat today and calm me . I have had , since the tender age of about 8 or 9 a love affair with George . Even before i knew what lust was i lusted after him , in his Wham days of course . * Andrew was just the ugly little shit who happened to be on stage with him ! * One weekend , my Dad gave me the best pressie a girl could have a 6ft poster of darling george , in a very shiney blue suit . How i hugged my dad tight for that thoughtful gift . * i still have it somewhere , in fact i have all my wham stuff somewhere * As i got older my dad would tell me , " He 's gay you know " and i would call him a git and a liar . * my dad thinks most rich successful famous men are gay * All i could see was gorgeous george object of my fantasies . and time and time again " he 's gay you know " would spout from my dads lips . Mum and i would stay don 't be stupid you 're just jealous . How right he was . and yet , even now i say to him that he made george turn that way , with the power of his thoughts ! * * * * * * * sorry it had to be said * * * * * * * * * * Of course i still love George . No matter what . I of course had many other crushes on popstars , and at this moment in time i will abstain from telling you them lest i get a bigger kicking from scarlet who hasnt always lets say approved of my musical taste , be it wide and varied . * we all have listened to stuff we wouldn 't admit to haven 't we ? * The op has seriously taken it 's toll on me , i am always tired , i feel completely drained . I am not myself at all . This although doesn 't exactly worry me is making me feel like crap and that this whole thing is endless . On thursday last week i went to have my stitches out , which was fab , it hurt slightly , but all was well . I walked home , and sat out in the sun in the garden , felt a little wet , peeked inside my top , and blood , gushing blood , casulty extra i leapt to my feet rushed inside and stuck a mepore on it and hubby drove me back to the doctors where i was steristripped and mopped up . I was told they wouldn 't resutre me due to the wound had knitted underneath the skin partially . * curses * I went away home . 30 minutes later i was back there again , my dressing had filled with blood , and it wasn 't looking good . All cleaned up and sorted again , i was told to go back the following day unless there was a problem . I sat at home miserable , unable to move about restricteing my movements . Friday i was back , and i had bled again although not so bad , they had a good look , changed the strips again saying they have to strip it cos they won 't resutre due to the partial heal . . . . . * hello i have a hole in my tit * and took a swab just in case . It completely ruined my plans for the weekend . I am unable to get wet at all because if i do the strips will come off and i have this big whole in my tit . The inlaws have gone now , we took them to the airport in the early hours of sunday morning . I spent yesterday doing far too much , well not far too much but too much , since i should be sat on my arse doing nothing . I 'm not even supposed to be on here typing , because the mo9vements of my arm will hinder the healing or something . So just what am i allowed to do ? Feeling like not a lot and it 's not helping the feelings of uselessness i can tell you one bit . I 'm so drained one night in the week we were all out on the veranda playing cards and i fell asleep at 9pm cards in hand at the table . Pathetic . I can 't wait for all to be healed so i can get back to normal . I get the results on the 27th now , i don 't know if i 'm going on my own or not . i said to hubby to come if he liked , but i would like him with me . I guess i 'd be ok . i 'm scared at the news . we still don 't know really what it was , just how big it was . I thought he would have told me when he took it out what it was , but they sent it away so that concerns me , of course that might all be normal procedure , but i 'm a worrier . I 'm gonna have to go now , i can feel it pulling , i 'm doing too much again , i 'm only typing . . . . . . damn , better go have a cuppa and read my book or have a lay down . I 'm alone today . Princess at school , and the inlaws gone , hubby back at work . I 'm feeling very very alone , the house is quiet , the cd i had on has finished ( green day american idiot ) and i feel like crying again . gonna have to shake this off , posted by scarlet @ 1 : 32 : 00 am | . . : ; shocks : : . . Monday , October 11 , 2004 I have to say i 'm in a little shock . I finally managed to get online and log in and what do i find ? Evie has decided to leave us . It was , i have to say news to me . It 's sad you 've chosen to leave us , i do wish you 'd stay . I havn 't been on for a bit , i 've been poorly sick as you know and recovering is hard work when you have visitors , so is getting online to blog or even send so much as a bloody email ! I felt so bad i went to the Doctors in the end , had my tablets changed and some added stayed in bed nearly all day yesterday and i feel a lot better today then i have in a week . I am still in pain though . Not a huge amount , it 's just there in the background twingeing every now and again . I have of course had a lot of added stress what with the uninvited guests we had . Thursday the mouse man came , as i said before . We went out for a meal that night . When the we left the traps were empty . When we returned there were 2 flat dead mice ! We were gone for two hours only . I was only expecting one , we had only seen one , they were completely different coloours . We moved the empty trap into the middle of the kitchen , it remained empty . When the mouse man came in the morning he took away the traps at my request , due to the weekend . He felt sure that was all there was and so did my mother in law . My father in law made a drain cover for outside , we stuffed the top of the pipe with wire wool on the inside too . I very timidly have used the kitchen over the weekend , inspecting everywhere for any trace . Paranoidly i know but it 's the way i am . There hasn 't been any , until this morning . I found 2 droppings . I 've called the guy out again . he 's put down a few more traps . It 's a sure thing if there are any more they 'll be got tonight ! There is no way out . . . . . . . . . . they think maybe they are nesting inside the washing machine now possibly . Tomorrow they will look inside it underneath and see . It 's the only explanation , there is no other way in , all exits are blocked . I am not particually relived to hear this , i 'm downright pissed off . I was starting to relax a little . Only my paranoia enabled me to find these droppings . There were only 2 , so we 're not talking infestation thank god , but still one mouse is one mouse too many . The weekend was quiet really , what i needed , this op has well and truly knocked me for six , i never expected it to . I got brave this morning and changed my own dressing , i stood and looked in the mirror , although still swollen there is no big dent , there is of course going to be a big scar , my right tit is almost completely yellow and purple , there are a few flecks of blood , my drain hole is still bleeding a little . I am accepting it . My stitches are out on thursday morning and i have to see the surgeon for a review on the 21st , i 'll get the results of what the mass is then too . I 'm on now cos mum in law is napping , and princess is tiding her room hubby and father in law are playing golf . Still i guess i am resting sort of anyway ! Oh well i 'll be ok . love posted by Sugar @ 11 : 23 : 00 am | . . : : uninvited guest / feel shit : : . . Thursday , October 07 , 2004 i 'm feeling groggy , but i 'm trying to rest . Unfortunatly there have been a few events making it difficult for me to do this . Saturday night whilst watching tv with hubby , we had an univited guest . . . . . . yep you guessed it a mouse . It came through our open lounge french door and ran round the lounge . Hubby chased it out . O Sunday night I found droppings in the built in storage cupboard , which i know 100 % weren 't there before , as i has cleaned the cupboard the day before . I checked it monday and it was ok . Whilst i was in hospital mother in law was on watch and said all was well . Last night we had a curry , and just as i finished my mum phoned . I put my plate on the worktop in the kitchen . 5 minutes later hubby walked in there to find the mouse scurrying from my plate accross the worktop onto the washing machine and vanish . This am just as we finished breakfast mother in law went in there , and there it was running around the kitchen floor . She and father in law tried to find it , it hid under the cooker till they lit it then it ran out back to the washing machine . 15 minutes later the mouseman came . He tried to find where it had gone and couldn 't . He put some poison down where they are living in the garden and some traps down in the kitchen needless to say i will not be going in the kitchen to even get a drink i have everything here with me in the lounge i need . I am a mess to say the lest . you all know what i was like last time . The mouse man says now he thinks that it is coming in up the washing machine waste pipe , or through the backdoor when it is open . it is the only way it can get in . He feels it isn 't living in the house again they weren 't last time . Hopefully the traps will catch it some time today . I did find a few droppings in the lounge this morning , in a couple of corners . i had heard some funny noises on saturday night , it kind of explains it now , only i was too scared to look . ( when hubby was getting them froim the airport ) I am dying inside , of terror and fright , and disgust that yet agian they found their way to soil my clean house . It sickens me . I want to puke . Plus the mouseman who put poison down whilst wearing gloves then wearing the saem gloves touched things allover my kitchen . . . . . . i wanted to scream and shout at him . arsehole . i have a lot of cleaning to do once more and i should be taking it easy and resting . I got brave and took a peek at my breast . I have a incision about 2 1 / 2 to 3 inches big , some bruising and of course i am swollen still . I burst into whimpering tears when i saw what was left . i walk around the house quietly crying . trying to do a little light housework , although i shouldn 't but i can 't just sit . i know i 'm sat now but i 'm keeping occupied . I don 't need all this right now . I don 't need the worry , i don 't need the stress i feel like shit , i look in the mirror and see my pale honeyed brown tan face dazed and vacant , eyes sad , hair awry , in myself i feel down yet thankful they got it all out , it 's a waiting game now til we find out what it is / was . i still feel like shit . All this added worry with the univited mouse is not going to help one bit I woke some time later crying , sobbing , uncoherantly unable to see . oxygen mask on , gradually the recovery room came into focus and still i cried . For some reason i was holding my lower right breast . The theatre sister reassuring but still i cried . She told me it was a success and they got it all . She said she 'd ring hubby who 'd gone to work to let him know i was ok . My nurse from the ward arrived to get me , and i was wheeled back . i was told i had a drain in and i wasn 't going home . Iwas Still crying . Eventually he left and i drifted off . I spent a lot of time drifting in and out . I was lucid for a bit when they informed me i was poorly , my bp had dropped very low to 70 / 40 . It stayed down for some time rose a little but still was 85 / 40 . I was on 15 min obs . Drifting in and out i woke up had a little toast and drifted off . . Hubby princess and the inlaws arrived just as i was eating dinner . All evening i drifted in and out until 2 . 33am when i was awake and couldnt sleep again i was woken at 6am again my bp very very low . I had a good brekkie and managed to start sitting up which was a massive improvment . . . . . . . my drain was full so they changed it . I managed to sit up for some time and even with help walked to the toilets , which did me a heap of good cos my bp raised having the balls to go on the " canon " . Slide with vertical drop in pitch black closed tunnel which then kicks up and propels you through the air until you land in the very deep pool with a very very big splash . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Watched loads of lads doing it posing and thought oh i can do that . . . . . . . . . I almost shit myself once i got to the top and saw the drop . I found my balls , assumed the position ( legs crossed , hands behind head ) and woosh . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . This am . . . . . . . . i went to hospital , for those of you who are reg readers you 'll all know i have a breast lump which is being taken out tomorrow . . . . anyway . I had to see the anaethatist today . It went ok he wasn 't happy with some of my info , and sent out for my notes to be couriered to him re my ongoing vascular instability / arthritis / reynauds / circulatory disorder . he is not happy with this at all . He orders blood tests to be hurried through . I am there hours . My blood presure is taken on one of those electric thingys . . . . its low 99 over 69 the machine also managed to make my hands go completely numb and black , they eventually managed to get soem blood from me , after my hands turned black again ! the temp etc was ok , but the thingy they put on your finger didnt want to work on me . . . . . . . eventually it did after trying all my fingers , all due to my circulation problems . So here i am nervous as hell crapping it . the hours are ticking by and i am feeling really on edge . i cant sleep . . . . . . everyone else is . . . . . and i have put my overnight bag together . please god let it go well , please god don 't let them find anything else in there , please god let me come home , please god just let me wake up please god just let me wake up and see my princess well actually it 's not ! It 's my last post i 'm able to do without the " visitors " here . So from tomorrow the covert blogging begins ! Just how i 'm gonna manage it is beyond me ! Especially since they like to be on the pc . I have changed my passwords just in case lmao . * lightbulb * i can email post . . . . . they 'll just think i 'm doing normal emails . . . . * So I 'll be hiding out , maybe in internet cafe 's , if i can find one . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . They will be sleeping in the lounge on our very expensive designer sofa bed * and I mean expensive * Cos we only have two bedrooms here . Being my pc is in the L shaped part of the room , they 're gonna be able to see pretty much everything i do . Bollocks . So much for the quiet restful weekend Evie prescribed . They land tonight . . . . . * thinking aliens , no aliens are cute and green i like aliens * For the next 2 weeks my life and house will not be my own . I of course will be grateful for their " support " ? whilst i am recuperating after my OP . Who knows , I don 't think I 'm gonna have an easy time of it between you and me . . . . . . . If i 'm allowed home . . . . . 7am Tuesday . . . present myself at the reception and go to my ward . After starving myself all night . 9am Have OP . 5pm Go home , if allowed all depends on how the OP went or whether they have to put a drain in or not . If they put a drain in it 'll be a few days in there . knowing me . . . . . nothing ever is easy . I don 't know what to expect really . I 've had minor ops , never a major . I only ever have had a general anesthetic once before and i was 9 years old then . I had a badly broken wrist . * Flashback . . . . . 1984 Torvil and Dean have just won gold medal at Olympics with Bolero . . . . . . . . 5 minutes later 9 year old ME is inspired and gets the next best thing to ice skates out . . . . . . . rollor skates ( with 4 wheels , inlines not invented then ! pmsl ) I glide , i twirl , ( I 'm not bad on a pair of skates , well i wasn 't then ! ) i aim for the hill . . . . . . . . . . . i fall . . . . . . . . i cry . . . . . i am a broken mess . Nice lad from over the road picks me up and takes me home . . . . my Dad says those famous words . . . . . . " Thats not broken ! " * my screaming face a contorted mess * but takes me to casulty in case . I am x rayed . . . . . i am taken to a childrens ward , i am taken to theatre , i wake screaming in the night , and my dad has gone home . I go home the next day and spew everywhere . Apparently general anesthetic and Lou Lou is not a pretty combo ! . . . . . . . . . flashback fades . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . * He wasn 't rolling drunk , but apparently his boss was pmsl . He has brought home photos taken by barmen in some irish bar or something . . . . . . not bad actually . He had a good time , even if i was pissed off at how late he was . . . . . * went out early at 4pm so it wouldn 't be a late night * When he knocked the door i was practically starkers . . . . just putting my clothes in the washing machine , the knock came and a thought of panic entered my mind . . . . Then back to Lou Lou HQ to start the preparations for the inlaws * cough * * free holiday seekers * I 'm almost done , I 've gutted it all , even though it didn 't need it . Even though they won 't be here till the early hours on sunday morning , we 're off out tomorrow to the water park to have a fab time with M and D . Promises to be fun . * note to self . . . . . . . new voodoo dolls bikini put to good use tomorrow ! * I also of course have preps to make for my visit to the hospital , make sure all is in order in case i am in longer than expected . It 's gonna be interesting blogging while they 're about . . . . . a bit of covert blogging will be going on , they don 't know about the blog and i 'm certainly not going to tell them . It 's none of their business , besides i need somewhere to moan about them and get it out of my system whilst i 'm tempted to send them packing to a hotel ! pmsl * you just watch me *
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Well Yes , it has been a while since I posted anything . . . what can a granny with permanent BB ( bleacher butt ) from watching grands , have to say , that will be of import to others ? Probably nothing . . . but that hasn 't seemed to stop me so far . . . So I 'll just tell it like it is for me . . . Sky ( the mini aussie ) has gone to live with a young military family in Washington state . . . it was good karma , and he is were he was Meant to be . . . I spent a while looking for another " Gus " Scottie . . . they are few and far between around here and way too pricey for a granny living on a fixed income and the grace of family . Then , I saw a picture of a little Jack RussellxDoxie that was up for adoption by the local pound . Willie has since come home to live with me . He is a sweet little guy and everyone in the family loves him , travels well , and is the first guy I 've slept with since . . . well never mind that . . . Ol Bessie , my ancient suv , was taken to the local mechanics for her smog test . She passed , but . . . needed $ 1 , 000 worth of repairs . . . some urgently . . . ! Knowing she isn 't even worth that much money resale . . . I contacted a good friend from home , whose sig other is a one man auto repair operation and asked if he would look at her . After he went over her with a fine sense of detail . . . he came in and said . . . " she 's fine for her age , you 've taken good care of her , and keep on doing what you 've been doing . . . Those guys were just trying to sell you a lot of stuff she doesn 't need . . . " This really makes me mad , as the local guys know me , and know I have little extra to spend , yet they try to pull this crap . . . The Navy Corpsman and the College Student were home for Thanksgiving . Makes a granny happy to see them expanding their wings and going forth . . . A twinge , with the Navy man extending his stay in the Navy to save more money for college . . . as this means he will most likely be redeployed to the ' stan . The rest of the crew are fine and dandy ! Where is the time going . . . we don 't have any babies left . . . sigh . . . This fall Marymine and I went to a craft fair and had a great time . She got some awesome metal letters and I got a necklace with a small bird charm & the words Old Soul punched on a flattened spoon . Marymine says it fits me . . . wasn 't that sweet ? Then , as I was telling a shopkeeper some tall tale . . . she stopped me with a laugh and said . . . " You have the sparkly . . est eyes ! " I think I heard Marymine in the background . . . say something along the lines of " OMG . . . don 't be telling her that . . . she 's trouble as it is . . . " but I could be mistaken . . . Well I should have had a clue from that ol buzzard flying over the bunkhouse yesterday . . . I 'm a granny , I should have been able to read the signs : Marymine , Lizzy and I left for Sac at 4AM to make our flights to Denver to watch college volleyball . . . I say flights because when Marymine asked me if I wanted to go along she already had their tickets , and that flight was full . . . so she booked me on another carrier . No problem , as both flights left close together . We got there in good time , parked close to the terminal , and went to check in , the girls to Southwest & I across the way to Frontier . I haven 't flown out of this airport since the total remodel was done , so everything was new to me . No problem , as there was an attendant lady to help me operate the check - in kiosk . She grabbed my itinerary and DL , shoved them in some ports . . . asked me my last name , and proceeded to hand me my boarding pass . . . while pointing me up the stairs . I didn 't see the girls in the crush of people across the way , that 's ok , I will meet up with them at the airport in Denver . OK I can do this , upstairs I went , followed the herd down a hallway , into a shuttle & across to the terminal . . . I 'm not sure I 'm supposed to be going this way , but what the heck ! Get off the shuttle , stand in line for a while , showing anyone and everyone who wants to see my DL & boarding pass . Go thru the Security screening . . . I think they now have pictures of my back teeth and my new black & white polka dot wonder bra . . . on file . I put everything back on and in , that I had removed moments before . . . I calmly do a check of my boarding pass to confirm airline and gate . . . while wandering around trying to look like I 've been here a million times . I need to do this for my self esteem as the traveler I should be . . . I 'm early , but that 's good . I can use the restroom , get a cup of coffee , and get back to the gate in time to read a couple hundred pages on my Kindle . I recheck my boarding pass against the monitor , check my gate number , and departure time . All good . The gate attendanBrig I 'm up in the PNW for an extended stay with my Sean & the girls . Sky made the trip with me , and is having a good time . The girls keep him busy fetching tennis balls . Housebreaking him is still a work in progress . . . Bought an old Singer featherweight sewing machine from a really nice older ( scratch that . . . they are my age ) couple . I 've been searching for one of these for a while now . . . but with the limited budget . . . it wasn 't happening . I had one when I first started sewing as a child . . . loved that little machine . . . even took it up to granny 's cabin in the summertime . So far I 've mended Miss J 's large stuffed snake . . . ( Hisss , is her name ) , and made two dresses for same . . . ! Also made two summer dresses for the girls , and will start on a few others , as well as teaching the girls how to sew . The girls talked their dad into building them a large wooden doll house . It 's going to be wonderful . They designed it , and are busy making executive decisions on every single thing they are putting in it . Furniture making with clay & cardboard is on going . . . We made Flubber one day , and have been flubbering every since . Everyone who stops by takes a handful to play with ( doesn 't matter if your a big or little kid ) . . . It acts as therapy of some sort . . . The home ranch had a far 2 , 000 acre field called the Mattea , it consisted of a lot of ridges and draws . It was good feed but a tough gather , as the trap ( holding field ) in the corner ran opposite all those ridges and draws . And once you were in the holding field you were still a long way from the home corrals . You had to be saddled and on your way long before daylight , and trail an extra horse as well to cover that country . When you finally got the cattle trailed back to the home corrals , you had spent more than a few very long days in the saddle . It was hard on cattle , dogs , horses , and cowhands . Then the light dawned for the Cowman . . . we can gather it with a helicopter . . . ! He penciled it out every which way , and it did work , at least on paper . Off to the Captain ( his dad ) he went , after a protracted discussion , he was given the go ahead . Then to find a pilot willing to take on this little job . . . eventual he did find a pilot that was pretty hard up and had done one small gather . . . so the sucker , err , pilot signed on . I love to go up in whirly birds , and don 't understand what is so upsetting about hanging out with one foot on the skid so I can get the full thrill . But the Cowman was not about to let me go up for this gather . Truth be told he knew that field like the back of his hand , so it was he who got to direct things from the air . Dang , I love flying in those things . We rode out early a horseback to meet them at the holding field . By the time we got the gates set they were driving in the cattle . whomp , whomp , whomp . . . Odds are people asked you , " What are you doing for Memorial Day weekend ? " Because that 's what people do , when the weather 's fine and a long weekend 's coming up . They ask in a well - meaning , value neutral kind of way , the question taking the place of the equally meaningless conversational things people may ask such as , " Do you think it 's going to rain ? " Because as far as the Memorial Day weekend is concerned , for many it 'd be OK if you were planning on a trip to the beach with the kids , or to Disney , or maybe just to the park for a picnic . It 'd even be OK if you were just going to kick back , relax , chill out . See some old friends . Because for many people , it 's just a long weekend to do with as you want - the open parenthesis to the brackets of summer . Memorial Day on this end , Labor Day on the other . The most civic minded of us will plant flags at our local military gravesites . And we may ask our children to remember those who gave the utmost level of devotion to secure our freedoms . But we mostly don 't talk among ourselves about the fact that names are still being added to the list of the lost , names that until recently belonged to people , but now belong to memory , belong to the ages . Names that once brought smiles to parents ' faces and light to a lover 's eyes but now bring only a whistling blow to the pit of the stomach for those who loved them . Names that now signify a vast , empty , mournful space that actual people used to fill . People with nearly infinite personal complexities , fears , hopes , dreams and yes , flaws . And I can understand this reticence to talk about it , even while I think it a shame . The knowledge of loss is painful of course , but it 's become all tied up in low , spiteful , vile politics somehow . We 're at least a little bit afraid that if we answer the question , " What are you going to do for Memorial Day Weekend ? " the way we really ought to - with something about remembering the sacrifices of those who made it possible for us to enjoy a long weekend in May , for example - we might see the pleasant blandness on our interlocutor 's face turn to something mean and hard . The passions of the moment . And that 's a shame too , because the politics behind the policy we are embarked upon - support them or no - have no bearing upon the purity of the soldiers ' sacrifice . One year after this post , another 878 names have been added to the list of those Americans who have fought and died in Iraq . Eight hundred and seventy - eight names , life experiences , unique windows on the universe - closed now , shuttered forever , a howling absence . They didn 't fight for a president , they fought for a country , the one that gave them birth , gave them a home . They didn 't fight for a party , they fought for a people , and that people 's way of life , its rights and freedoms and yes , it 's responsibilities too . Our soldiers know them all too well , the obligations of a free society . It is a burden that they have shouldered for us , as free men and women , as volunteers . And for all too many of them , it was a burden that finally brought them low . It is indisputable that they fought and died in a noble attempt , and were a part of freeing nearly 50 million minds . Whether or not we - and those minds that they liberated - are worthy of their sacrifice is something history will judge through a long and severe lens . And we should keep in mind , for better or for worse , that it will not only be the soldiers being judged , nor their captains and generals nor even presidents , but we ourselves who sent them . We ourselves for whom they fought . We ourselves for whom they died . Remember then , and celebrate . Celebrate the fact that for over 200 years , nearly one million men and women have honored us enough to fight for us - enough , in the end , to die for us - over the course of our country 's birth , the agony of our Civil War , a " War to End all Wars , " and the war that it did not , Korea , Vietnam and now two wars in a far place , for a people we do not know . Celebrate the fact that no matter how bitter our internal divisions , no matter how imperfectly we have trod the world stage , there are still people willing to stand on the line for us , for the ideals we represent , for the man or woman on their left or right who is all they know of America when the bullets snap and whine . Soldiers on their left or right who held them in their arms for us , when the pain seeped away with the blood , who held them still as they finally offered up their names to us . I 'm up in the Pacific North West . . . ! I was so excited to be seeing Sean & the girls again that I left at 4 dark thirty in the morning . A few thunderstorms on the road up , but nothing that would slow down a granny on a mission . He 's home ! ! ! from the stan . . . . His mom and crew drove down to see him and spend a few days lov ' n on him . I have to wait til he gets home home leave before I can do the same . Doesn 't matter . . . I 'm just so happy to have him back on American soil . aaah crap , I 'm going to cry about this . . . Posted by An old Cherokee told his grandson , " My son , there is a battle between two wolves inside us all . One is evil . It is jealousy , greed , resentment , inferiority , lies , and ego . The other is Good . It is joy , peace , love , hope , humility , kindness , empathy and truth . " The boy thought about it and asked , " Grandfather , which wolf wins ? " The old man quietly replied , " The one you feed . " ~ Author unknown I 've worn a dog tag with his name , and a St Chris on a chain since he left months ago . They klink together , which makes me sound like a bell cow most of the time . Have gotten so used to wearing it and having a good thought when I hear it klink that I 'm not sure I can dispense with my talisman when he 's back on American soil . Posted by It 's a beautiful sunny day after a week of thunder boomers , cold rain , and North wind , and I 'm off to enjoy it . Think it 's the Leo in me or what . . . Posted by Some days are just full of living . Early this morning I went to a breakfast for the oldest grand girl 's signing of her letter of intent for her college of choice . She 's going with a full scholarship to a small college in the Midwest . Then back to the bunkhouse for a few chores . . . . actually more time was spent finishing a tome I 've been reading . In the afternoon it was off to a neighboring small town for a grand 's ballgame . Setting in an old folding chair , watching the game , when the sun came breaking thru the clouds accompanied by a gentle breeze , ahhh . Came home and took a coffee break in the rocker on the porch , when I heard what sounded like a heifer talking motherhood . After a bit the grandson came by beeping his horn . " Come quick granny , the black heifer is calving . " Off we went , and yes there was a new baby in the corral . Tonight one of the grands far away sent me a text , just to say she loves her granny . I 'm rereading Zen Mind , Beginner 's Mind . . . . and getting back into the cowgirl version of tai chi . . . don 't ask . . . Had a mexican guy , come to my door late of nite , his car ran out of gas about a mile up the road . Sweating like crazy , said he had run to the house as he was afraid the coyotes would get him . He hadn 't noticed Rambo , the German shepard yet , and I must have been looking a little fierce , cuz he put his hands up , then offered to set on them ( do you think he 's done time ) while I called his family to come get him . After I knew his wife was coming to pick him up , I said he should wait at the end of the drive . As he was starting to walk away , Rambo silently came up behind him . The guy said " Holy Shit , will he hurt me ? " " Not unless I send him or he thinks your a threat to me . " His wife picked him up shortly thereafter . I wondered if he realized that the coyotes , and Rambo were the least of his worries . His blue streak wife could be heard for at least a mile . Gus , my best buddy , traveling companion , adventurer , and bunny chaser was hit and killed early this morning . It 's going to be mighty lonely around here without the little dog with the big attitude . His spirit is I hope where there are lots of bunnies to chase across the pastures . I 'm surrounded by reminders . . . . and it 's going to take a while to get past the tears . Posted by Allrighty then . . . I know it 's been a while , but I 'm trying to get a life here . Will try to fit this in before the oven timer goes off for the artichoke quiche . . . Gus and I made it home to the bunkhouse before the snow started flying on the mountain passes . The grand with the hot pink casts has had them removed , surgery scars healed nicely , and is walking with just her ankle braces . . . Yea ! I 'm not buffed though . . . possibly takes more than a couple of weeks to perform that miracle . We 've heard from the grand corpsman in Af ' stan , finally , after being incognito for weeks , he 's good and got a promotion . Got my hair trimmed . . . " just let me check to see when we had you in here last . . . ahhh . . . in May . So , being a regular is not your thing . . . " Sortta looks that way don 't it . While we were swapping lies , the beauty shop phone rang . One of the gals answered and got a horrified look on her face . She turned to the rest of us and said , " Ethel 's locked in the restroom and can 't get the door open . " After a bit of discussion concerning how long Ethel had been in there , and the need for a replacement locking door nob , it was decided that they should help her get out . She agreed to " hold harmless " them and was released on her own recog soon after . Bet that 's the last time Ethel uses the restroom on her Blue Rinse hair day , naugh . . . she 's really old and will have forgotten by the next appointment .
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I 'm a Ph . D . student in Old Testament , a pastor 's wife , and last but certainly not least , a mom . Being a mom has totally transformed my life . Not that I didn 't learn a lot during the years of theological training , but God has been training my heart through being a mother in ways I could not even have imagined beforehand . I am writing these blogs mostly as a way to record , share , and encourage others through what I 'm learning through being a mother . Today I saw a bumper sticker , " Keep kids alive , drive 25 . " I saw it while I was on a drive to put my toddler to sleep for her nap , because she was refusing to go to sleep otherwise . When I saw the bumper sticker , I had the glorious thought , " You have to drive slowly when kids are around because mine is not the only kid in the world prone to run into the street ! " I know that sounds silly , but sometimes , when I hear about other kids going to bed for their naps really easily and happily holding mommy 's hand in the parking lot and sleeping through the night and putting away each book on the bookshelf before picking out another , it sounds like every other toddler in the world is a perfect angel and I must have done something really wrong with mine . It was good to be reminded that , actually , my daughter is a perfectly normal toddler . I was surprised when , upon the birth of my daughter , I was immediately considered the expert on raising her . " Would you like to give us permission to immunize her ? " " Would you allow me to hold her this way ? " " What should we do about feeding her - is a bottle okay or are you going to exclusively nurse her ? " The options were endless , and I felt like I didn 't know nearly enough to be making some of these decisions . And I worried . Not knowing the consequences of almost any of the options , and growing in my awareness that no one else really did , either ( although there are a LOT of opinionated people out there who fundamentally disagree with each other ) , what could I do ? This worry only got worse the more convinced I became that it was inevitable that at some point along the way I was likely to do something less than what was best for her . I was involved in a car accident a number of years ago when I was on my way home from college . A lady was hurt and her car totaled , and she decided to milk this opportunity for some cash . So she sued me for hundreds of thousands of dollars . No , her medical and car expenses were nowhere near that , but there were " loss of happiness " issues and such ( no kidding - klh I am a Ph . D . student . And I am a mom . Before I was a mom , I never really thought of being female as something all that significant . Not to say that I was oblivious to traditional gender roles and the biblical debates . But being female didn 't seem to affect my giftedness one way or the other , or my calling , or my friendships , or my worship , or really anything in my life that I thought of as significant . Yes , I had that annoying monthly issue . Yes , my breasts developed differently than those of men . But it didn 't seem to really matter . Years later , I got pregnant . The plan was for me to take my comprehensive exams , have the baby a few weeks later , take a few weeks to recover , put the baby in childcare , and plunge into the dissertation . The plan seemed perfectly reasonable to me . Throughout the pregnancy , I would marvel at the fact that I didn 't have to read a book about how to carry the baby in my womb . Somehow the body just knew how . Perfectly . Then the baby was born , and I was surprised at how incessantly this little limp person still needed me , my milk , the warmth of my skin , the sound of my voice familiar from the womb , the presence of my maternal love . I didn 't think it would be best for her , or for me , to jump back into work . Since I didn 't have to , I didn 't . And as I 've met more and more new moms , I am struck at how many quit their jobs if they are able once they have a child . I have learned a lot through this experience of what it means to be created female . And I 've learned a lot about the de - womanization that our society does to its daughters . Until I had a baby , I thought of the distinctively female parts of myself as either ( 1 ) meant to be sexually stimulating ( e . g . , breasts , etc ) or ( 2 ) a real annoyance to be medicated ( e . g . , menstral cycle , mood swings , PMS , pregnancy potential , etc ) . But what if , instead of a sex object or disease , my femininity is fearfully and wonderfully made ? What if being in a natural cyclical rhythm like the moon and seasons isn 't a problem but is something beautiful , like an ocePosted by I want the absolute best for my daughter . I want to give her a nice home with the warmth and security that comes from lots of family and friends surrounding her . I want her to have good experiences at church and come to know the deep , deep love that God has for her . And I am learning that , as a United Methodist pastor 's wife , I 'm kind of limited in my abilities to give her that . We 've already moved once in her short 18 months of life , and within the next few years we are going to move again . We do not get to choose what church we will go to , whether it will be a " good " experience for her or not . We do not get to choose the house . We do not get to choose the community . . . . Luke 18 : 29 says , " Truly I say to you , there is no one who has left house or wife or brothers or parents or children , for the sake of the kingdom of God , who will not receive many times as much in this age and in the age to come , eternal life . " The people of God have always had leaders , some of whom were called to wander . Like Abraham , who heard the call , " Leave your country , your relatives , your father 's house , and go to the land which I will show you " ( Gen 12 : 1 ) . In the New Testament , the apostles were all over the place . All of them experienced hardships , but all of them also received blessings beyond what they would have had otherwise , and in their obedience they became blessings that blessed the entire world . I know that , as an itinerating pastor 's family , we will probably not experience the same good as we would if we were settled " in the land of our father 's . " But the promise is that as we follow God in Christ , we will experience good , a different good , an abundant good that will be many times as much as we would otherwise ever have known . Back when I was in college , I use to pray dangerously . " O God , show me what you want me to do . You are my Lord . I 'll be single or married , have children or not , have a successful career or rot in a prison starving to death . . . " And I meant it . After all , God made me . Who knew better than he what this clay pot was formed to do ? Last year my husband was a part - time Local Pastor at a church with about 30 members . We lived in a parsonage built in the 1860 's , with a foundation that made me nervous . There was crumbling lead paint on the upstairs walls , there was no counter space in the ( orange ) kitchen , and no matter how hard I scrubbed the bathroom ( with a door that did not close ) had a perpetually dirty feel to it . Then my husband went for his commissioning interviews , passed , and we awaited that glorious day when he would be sent to a full time appointment . And my prayers went like this : " O God , please send us to a big church with lots of children for my daughter to pay with . Let the parsonage have new paint , new carpet , new bathrooms , new furniture , and lots of counter space in the kitchen . Let us be in the suburbs - I think I 'd be more comfortable there and I don 't want to live anywhere too dangerous for my daughter 's sake . " And what do you know , no kidding , my husband was made an associate at a big church with lots of children , a parsonage with new paint , new carpet , new bathrooms , new furniture , and lots of kitchen counter space . We are in the suburbs in one of the safest parts of the US . Not too long ago I read 2 Corinthians 2 : 17 , " For we are not like many , peddling the word of God . . . " I think of myself as " from sincerity " ( as the verse continues ) , not as someone who would ever dare to do such a vile thing as use the gospel for personal gain . But as I remembered my prayers of last year , as I faced my fear of someday going to a church in a more " dangerous " location , with a less than " nice " parsonage , I wondered if in my heart have I become a peddler of God 's word ? Ouch ! On Good Friday , people cast lots for the cloklh " Were you there when they crucified my Lord ? " I 've always thought that was a strange question . No , silly , I wasn 't born , yet . Of course I wasn 't there . As I 've sung that song countless times through the years , I 've always just tried to ignore the question aspect of the song and focus upon the details of the crucifixion of Jesus which the song skillfully recounts . Then I try to be so focused that I can effectively and appropriately " tremble . " I 'm not always successful , though . Maybe the author of the song wasn 't , either - after all , it says " sometimes it causes me to tremble . " It wasn 't until today that I finally got it . I think of myself as a smart person , but it would seem that I 've been quite dense when it comes to this . At noon , my daughter was napping and I was in her playroom reading the Scriptures and praying . When I heard the church bell chime in the distance , in honor of Good Friday , I put down the Bible in a respectful silence . I suddenly felt led to sing " Were you there . . . " I don 't really like that song because , like I said , I think the question part is so annoyingly weird , but not wanting to disobey a prompting from the Holy Spirit , I began to sing . The question hit me like never before . " Were you there when they crucified my Lord ? " No , I wasn 't . Like the other disciples , I abandoned him last night . I was at the Maundy Thursday service with my daughter , but she got a little chatty and we had to leave . I was so mad . Not so much at her - she was behaving like a normal 18 month old - but at some of the people in this church who have been so unkind , so unwelcoming , so outright mean to me and my daughter since we arrived . But even though I wasn 't mad at my daughter , she was the only one present once we left , and so it came out at her . I was short and snappy and unkind , myself . I knew better - I thought , " Control yourself ! " But I felt like I had such a good reason to be mad that I chose the unfaithful route . It wasn 't until later in the evening when I " heard the rooster crow " and realized that , despite my besPosted by This is going to be different from what I usually write . It is the Thursday of Holy Week . I want to be at church with the family of Christ , celebrating the Last Supper and remembering the events that followed . But I had to leave the service , because my 18 month old was making noises . And so I am here at home all alone with my daughter . I could read the biblical story alone , which is what I will do anyway later tonight , but it really is not the same . I think that is why I 'm blogging this - I just can 't bare to be alone with this on this night , but the church community does not want me and my daughter there . And so here we are . As we left the church , some of the people even sent me haughty , " It 's about time " looks . I 'm reminded of a story - I forget the author and the name of the book , but the plot goes like this . There once existed a Utopia - like land . If you lived there , you could have anything you could possibly want . It was a deliciously beautiful place and everyone was super happy all the time . But there was one catch . In order to live there , you had to place one of you children into a dungeon where they could only eat stale bread and drink water once a day for the rest of the child 's life . The question of the book was , would you do it ? Would you sacrifice just one of your children so that the rest of your family could live a perfectly happy existence ? Tonight , I feel like the church answered " yes , " and I 'm the child in the dungeon . It 's tempting to think , " Hmm , that means I get to identify with Jesus , abandoned by all his friends and left alone on this night . " But there is a certain uncomfortable irony to think that the people who went to church tonight because they love Jesus and want to be close to him and don 't want to be interrupted in that very worthy goal - these are the people who are like the disciples who abandoned Jesus on this night ? That doesn 't seem quite right . I wonder , should I be OK with being stuck at home on this night , separated from the church , so that the church can remember in a focused maPosted by Several nights ago , as I began to rock and nurse my baby to sleep , she bit me . Now , this has happened before , and I can generally handle it . But that night I went nuts . I was startled at the violence of my own reaction . " NO ! " I yelled , and I pulled her away . I called for my husband to come rock her , which really upset her because she wanted me , but for some reason I just had zero patience inside of me . My husband took her , and I left with her crying uncontrollably in his arms . Once she was finally asleep , I went in to look at her . She was huddled against my husband , little choking sobs still coming out of her limp body as she lay there , asleep . And I felt horrible . Why couldn 't I handle her in that moment ? The fury with which I reacted - it really startled me . Before I went to sleep , I had my evening prayer time . I was so distraught over the way I had treated my daughter . And I was really worried that maybe I had scarred her for life or something by just abandoning her in her tears . I know , I know , this may be a " new mom " thing and I 'll get over it by the third child , but in that moment the concern , the distress , the shock at how upset I became - these were very real to me . And I brought them in prayer to God . As I sat there , praying , I saw the image of Christ , grieving over the sins of the world , agonizing on the cross . As I imagined this image , his tears and my daughter 's tears of distress became one . My sin caused both . In their unity , my daughter 's grief became less life - threatening . Not because my sinning against her somehow isn 't really all that bad , but because the cross confronts the depth of the badness and goes deeper still . It embraces her cry along with the cries of every human being who live in a world with broken people who break each other over and over again from the moment of birth , sometimes without even knowing it , and often dismissively . And insofar as the cross is redemptive , it offers the very real potential for the genuine redemption of all this grief , including the redemption of my daughterPosted by I often hear people talk about the Old Testament as being all about law , as opposed to the New Testament which is all about grace . I 'm an Old Testament scholar , and talk like that makes me shudder , because it 's really not true . Consider the book of Exodus - it tells the story of God saving the people out of Egypt , out of the clutches of a cruel master who beat and whipped them , before it moves into telling the story of how the people are now to live , within the hands of a good and kind Master . In Ex 20 , the Ten Commandments begin " I am the Lord your God who brought you up out of the land of Egypt . . . " Before God commands anything , God demonstrates , " I love you , and you can trust me . " Before God reveals the law , God reveals what is the purpose of following these laws - that you might have life . When my daughter was born , I could have let her cry endlessly when she was a day old and insisted on my own way , but God had given me all kinds of maternal instincts saying that was not right . Before I became the one who disciplines her , I spent months upon months dying to myself on her behalf . I gave up everything to hold her , to nurse her , to quiet her when she was upset , to let her know that in this world there is someone who loves her , someone she can trust whole - heartedly . It was only as she got older that I began to discipline her , to teach her how to walk the path of life in such a way that she can really live . I often meditated upon how much this is like the pattern with which God deals with us as his children - before I told her how to live , I told her I would die on her behalf . This gives Holy Week a whole new meaning for me . When I was younger , I left everything to follow Jesus . But my motive was not yet just like Jesus ' - I did it because I wanted to draw near to God , not because I so loved the world that I wanted to draw near to it . I wasn 't thinking , " I want the world to know , before I have the Holy Spirit call it to salvation through me , that I would die for it . " I didn 't even know , yet , how to think such a thouPosted by I reflect often on how strange it is to me that God would have children take up so much time and energy . Certainly we could all get more done if children could raise themselves . My brain , formed by this utilitarian culture in which we live in the United States , is just baffled . After all , isn 't " getting stuff done " the chief virtue in life , the proof of a life well - lived ? Today I checked 4 significant items off of my mental to - do list . This was , then , certainly a good , well - spent day , right ? I mean , we all KNOW this isn 't true . But then how is it that when I spend hours laughing and playing with my 18 month old I 'm " taking time off ? " In sharing quality time with my daughter , where does this lingering sense come from that I didn 't actually do anything . But God certainly understood the implications of children needing their parents ' time and attention to the vast extent that this is the case . When I reflect on this , I experience a real shock that reverberates deep within my soul as I come to understand on ever - deeper levels that all those things I could be doing ( really good things - like , teaching the Bible , tutoring kids with difficult family situations , gathering food for the homeless , etc . , etc . , etc . ) are not as important to God as my caring for this one little person . That is so weird . I mean , what am I raising her to do ? Raise kids of her own ? Is this the created world just an endless , pointless cycle of ceaseless child - raising ? Certainly that can 't be the case . But this created world is a place , I am confident , in which God wants us to learn to love . It is easy to feel like I 'm accomplishing things , great things , when I get a new degree , when I present a paper before a large , appreciative audience , when I explain a difficult passage of Scripture to a student in need of clarification . And surely those things are important , right ? But never have I learned to give myself up for another person like I have through embracing motherhood . Just maybe the One who turned the world upside down through a child born to nPosted by This past Sunday was communion Sunday . As we approached the kneeling rails , my 18 month old had her eyes open wide . She watched in eager attentiveness as the bread was brought to us , one by one . She said , " ooooh " at the little cups that had been placed in the holes on the kneeling rails by earlier communion - takers . She picked them up , tried to drink out of them , and then put them back in the holes . She looked down at the pads upon which we were kneeling and touched them curiously . She listened in wonder as the pastor said the words that signaled that our time was over and we should return to our seat . And she did not want to leave . Better put , she refused to leave . " Noooooo ! " she cried out as I picked her up to take her back to our seat . " It 's time to go sit down again , " I whispered in her ear , but she just said , " Again . " " We 're all finished . Time to sit down . Do you want to draw with the pencil ? " But no , nothing would satisfy her other than to go back to the front of the church for communion . And so , sensing the great anxiety and expectations of the congregation over my taking her out of the sanctuary over the understood - inappropriateness of my daughter 's behavior , we left the sanctuary altogether . But even then she couldn 't get over it . She wanted to go play communion . . . and I wanted to let her . This is how she learns . It 's not like she doesn 't want to participate . She does want to participate , arguably with more enthusiasm than some of the quiet , behaved adults , and I want her to know that the Lord welcomes her just as she is to his table . Having an 18 month old in worship is a very different experience than worshipping with just adults or older children . My daughter doesn 't know the rules - not just the theological rules like " Don 't take the Lord 's name in vain , " but the rules of social propriety . And teaching her to worship is showing me just how much we mix those two things up . Jesus said , " Let the little children come to me , and do not stop them , because the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these . TrulPosted by As a United Methodist pastor 's spouse , who was also raised as a United Methodist pastor 's daughter , I have moved a lot in my life . And one consequence of this is that there isn 't a place , a house , a community out there that feels to me like home . I think this is true for a lot of people in our world where moving frequently because of job situations is such a typical way of life . I lament this for my daughter . She 's at such a young , impressionable age , and it is so sad to me that these people , this house , this church will disappear to her life in a few years , even though it will probably be written onto her heart that this place is what is " normal . " And even worse , the culture here is so shallow , so appearance - driven , so not what I want my daughter to think of as normal . But here is my comfort - I think of missionary families in other parts of the world , and I realize that this is what we are , as well . And as my daughter sees and experiences us as God - sent agents of change , bringing good news of freedom to a world in which we have no home , this way of being in the world while looking forward to our heavenly glory , will become for her - as it has become for me - what home is . Posted by
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Case in point : I lost my grip in an obstacle course four weeks ago , and I came down hard on the right side of my body . I struggled to catch my breath for a few moments , but with the return of regularity came an intense , growing pain . I finished the race , of course , but as I hung around and volunteered for the rest of the day , even minor tasks like lifting boxes became difficult . I 've begun to get back to my routine , but it 's been more difficult than expected . It 's almost like I 've had to force myself to do it , and I 'm not that kind of guy . All those reasons people give for why they run - the mental and physical benefits , the thrill of competition , a general desire to " get healthy " - that 's all beside the point . I run because I like running , and everything else is just icing on the cake . But it all boiled over one Friday as I paced around my apartment , feeling restless . I had a sort of bottled - up energy about me , and I needed an outlet . Rather than put on my shoes and sprint out the door , however , I conjured up every excuse imaginable - reactivating well - worn neural networks from my late - teens and early - twenties . And I did have things to do . There 's an article I 'm writing for a magazine that needed editing , I had work left over from the day job , and I 'd rented a Redbox movie that wasn 't just going to watch itself . And the bottles of wine in my kitchen were looking increasingly delicious . Because the truth is that it 's never let me down . Not once have I come back from a run and said gee , that was waste of my time . I 'm never doing that again ! Running does something powerful . When I 'm out on that trail , falling in sync with the rhythm of my feet pounding against the pavement - listening to what Mark Rowlands refers to as the heartbeat of the run - I feel like I 'm doing exactly what I 'm supposed to do . It 's a primal side that 's not engaged when I 'm at work , shopping , clicking away on a keyboard , or sitting on a couch . It 's only through sustained movement and exertion that I gain access to the zone . We 're born to move . Take a look around , however , and you 'll see that our modern way of life often limits and restricts our ability to do so . In airports , for example , they 've even installed movable walkways so you don 't have to move . And what about our jobs ? How many folks are tethered to a desk at cubicle farms ? Or stuck standing behind a counter where there 's a pad on the ground to prevent sore feet from standing in place too long ? That 's one reason why running never lets me down . To move , to exert myself , to feel powerful and alive - it 's a necessity . A hunger . I knew it when I was a child , but I slowly forgot as I grew up and was told to be rational and responsible . Others have expressed similar sentiments , of course . This is hardly an idea unique to me . I particularly like what General Stanley McChrystal said on a recent episode of the Tim Ferriss Show , when describing his commitment to exercise : I 've experienced much the same in my own life . When I have a bad day and I 'm grasping for something - anything - to remind me that all is well in the world , a good run , swim , or bike ride is often the glue that keeps me together . It gives me a sense of accomplishment and purpose even if nothing else does . And to Tim 's point , endurance sports - especially running - have helped establish a solid , foundational identity that can 't be taken away . I 'm an athlete . I run , cycle , and do my best to swim . It 's what I do . The trouble for many folks is that we live in a society where we 're often reduced down to " what we do " - meaning where we work and how we pay the bills . And that can be a good thing . Some folks truly love what they do for work , and others find purpose in playing the game . But let 's be frank here : many jobs aren 't capable of providing meaning and purpose without engaging in some serious mental gymnastics . But to be a runner , a cyclist , an athlete - even if you 're the slowest and least capable out there - that 's a powerful tool to get you through the day even if you do work a nine - to - five in soulless cubicle farm . It 's a way to remember that you 're more than what the company mission statement says you are . And when your middle - aged coworker cranks up the local " light hits " station and forces you to hear about Anthony and his Cadillac for the hundredth time … well , it may not bother you so much if you had a great run that morning . In fact , you might just smile and move on with your day . I have a policy of not living in regret . " Let it go " is my mantra , but rarely is it my default , instinctive reaction . It 's a learned interpretation and delayed response . An intelligent path forward . The weight wasn 't even the problem . I was . The eighty extra pounds were a side - effect of my lifestyle . I sat in a computer chair and played video games all night , consumed copious amounts of delivery food and alcohol , and I always snacked . Happy ? I celebrated with food . Sad ? I ate away the blues . Bored ? Pizza made for great company . And those old friends Jim , Jack , and Johnny never let me down until they finally did . Rather than be honest about what weight - gain is , exactly , they promote solutions that neither address the problem nor provide people with the tools to solve it . The result is that we do everything other than what works - ignoring the root cause while employing all sorts of dubious tricks and temporary programs . We fall for pseudo - scientific bullshit that professional quacks package into books and sell by the hundreds of thousands . People like Food Babe and JJ Smith , for example . But perhaps reality is a tough - pill to swallow . After all , people frequently ignore their own culpability . I sure did . It was easier to believe that I was fine the way I was - that I could just " juice " my way to a slimmer body . Questioning my underlying assumptions about how to live life ? Forget about that . Just pass me another green smoothie . This isn 't about telling a sick person to stop being sick , as I suppose some might assume . Obesity isn 't a bacterial or viral infection - it 's a lifestyle - induced problem . Even if we weren 't playing with a full deck of cards at the time , it 's still the result of our decisions . And our decisions are still the way out of it . Maybe you 've heard the recent news that Season 16 's contestants have regained much of their weight . I can 't say I 'm surprised . I remember watching an episode where , on the first day , the everyone was subjected to hours of grueling workouts while Jillian Michaels screamed and yelled like a drill sergeant . It was poorly - planned at best , and dangerous at worst . I remember what it was like to suddenly exercise after years of doing nothing . It was hard . The body takes time to adapt . A four - hundred pound man struggling after three hours of exercise isn 't a sign of weakness or lack of willpower . It 's just the way things are . How is that supposed empower him to take care of himself and live a healthy life ? What tools was he provided ? How does that teach him to do anything other than torture himself in the pursuit of a slimmer body ? If he slept for eight hours and worked for eight , he 'd have to spend every spare minute of every day exercising to keep that up . He 's not in the " reality show bubble " anymore . Not to mention his commute and the time it takes to cook , bathe , dress himself , and go to the store . It 's not practical by any definition of the word . Mr . Cahill set a goal of a 3 , 500 - caloric deficit per day . The idea was to lose a pound a day . He quit his job as a land surveyor to do it . His routine went like this : Wake up at 5 a . m . and run on a treadmill for 45 minutes . Have breakfast - typically one egg and two egg whites , half a grapefruit and a piece of sprouted grain toast . Run on the treadmill for another 45 minutes . Rest for 40 minutes ; bike ride nine miles to a gym . Work out for two and a half hours . Shower , ride home , eat lunch - typically a grilled skinless chicken breast , a cup of broccoli and 10 spears of asparagus . Rest for an hour . Drive to the gym for another round of exercise . Do you want to live like that ? Could you live like that ? His entire day revolved around burning a specific number of calories on an exercise tracker . That sounds miserable . Darcy Johannsen and friends studied the impact 7 months of Biggest Loser weight loss had on the resting and total energy expenditures of 16 participants . They used all the latest gadgets to do so including indirect calorimetry and doubly labeled water . So what happened ? By week 6 participants had lost 13 % of their body weight and by week 30 , 39 % . More importantly by week 6 participants metabolisms had slowed by 244 more calories per day than would have been expected simply as a function of their weight loss and by week 30 , by 504 more . Mr . Cahill was one of the worst off . As he regained more than 100 pounds , his metabolism slowed so much that , just to maintain his current weight of 295 pounds , he now has to eat 800 calories a day less than a typical man his size . Anything more turns to fat . I don 't suppose it makes for entertaining television , however , to follow people over three , four , or five years as they make healthy meals , keep a food journal , and rediscover the joy of an active lifestyle . Good luck getting anyone to watch that . It wouldn 't sell many ads either . Countless folks managed to do it and many more will . I have , Josh LaJaunie has , and so has David Clark . And what about the many thousands of folks who you never hear about - people who work regular jobs and blend into the crowd . Maybe you have a coworker who looks slim and fit but was a hundred pounds heavier five years go ? Go to any local triathlon or road race , and you 'll discover that it 's a common story . There 's always going to be obstacles - I get it , I really do . Sometimes biology is a bitch . We can 't control our genetics ; and if we 're being totally honest , the food industry makes it downright difficult to eat well . If you were to shop on your own without any education , insight , or knowledge about what you 're doing - if you were to eat a " default " diet , in other words - then there 's a good chance that you 'd struggle with weight - management . Educate yourself . Take your time and keep it simple - don 't rush . Do as Dr . Yoni Freedhoff often says , and live the healthiest life that you can comfortably enjoy . Never forget that weight - loss begins and ends in the kitchen . Exercise not because you want to lose weight , but because we 're born to move . Because it 's in our DNA . Because it 's fun . It 's a fundamental aspect of what it means to live authentically as a human . If you don 't know what you enjoy , then try new activities . Get a pass at a rock climbing gym , sign up for a Couch - to - 5k program , rent a bicycle and hit the local trails . Give kayaking a try . Pay for a month of yoga classes with a reputable instructor . The worst thing that can happen is you 'll have some cool stories and meet new people . Sounds terrible , right ? What do you think ? Leave a comment and let me know . If you want to help spread the message about long - term , sustainable weight - loss , I always appreciate a share or two on social media ! I don 't mean intentionally , of course - although I suspect that 's often the case - but rather through the proliferation of complete and utter nonsense . Bullshit , in other words . Instead of educating folks about the realities of long - term , sustainable weight - loss , they push temporary diets , programs , and downright dubious gimmicks . Sometimes they even sell harmful products . Customers in this industry are in a difficult position . Weight management is often so stressful that otherwise intelligent and discerning folks become susceptible to quackery . They want something - anything - that will take care of the problem . So when Dr . Oz talks about raspberry ketones and green coffee bean extract , or Jillian Michaels puts her face on a bottle of " cleanse and burn " pills , they open up their wallets and take a leap of faith . As for JJ Smith , she talks about toxins , detoxification , and leads you to believe that you struggle with weight loss because these toxins have accumulated in your fat cells . The solution ? Drink a bunch smoothies . I was about to put the book down and shake my head , but then I noticed something that made me angry . Something that was a step above the usual sort of dishonesty that we see in this industry . There was one line towards the end of the introduction : But that 's what a dietitian does - a title which requires specific education and training . Nutritionist is a largely self - appointed designation . According to the DC Metro Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics : I wanted to know more about the International Institute for Holistic Healing , but I struggled to locate a website . Google returned the FDA warning letter , an entry on Ripoff Report , and a mention on QuackWatch . org 's list of questionable organizations . But the institute seemed to have disappeared . Finally , I located a website with its logo at AdamsHolisticHealing . com - which is " temporarily undergoing major construction " . And I found information about the doctor who managed it : Aundrea Adams . But addresses didn 't check out , phone numbers were disconnected , and all I had was an email address that I suspected wouldn 't work either . I fired off an inquiry as a last - ditch effort - doubtful that I 'd hear anything back . When I was eighty - pounds overweight , I stumbled upon a film on Netflix called Fat Sick & Nearly Dead . It talked about processing produce through an appliance called a juicer and consuming only that - nothing else - for thirty to sixty days . The idea was that it would " heal " your body and jump - start your weight - loss . Normally my bullshit detector would have told me to hold up and think this through , but I was desperate . I hated how I looked and felt , and I wanted to drop the weight now . I rushed out to the store , dropped $ 150 on a new juicer , and began what I thought was the first day of my new life . And I did lose weight . That 's because practically all diets will lead to weight - loss if you follow them . Did you hear about the professor who ate only Twinkies and junk food at a caloric deficit ? That 's right : Mark Haub , a professor of human nutrition at Kansas State University , lost twenty - seven pounds in two months on a junk food diet . Diets are a temporary solution to a semi - permanent problem . They take us out of our destructive lifestyles temporarily , and then we go back to doing whatever made us fat in the first place . The weight returns , and we hunt for another trick . I am committed to drinking green smoothies every day and getting as many people as I can to drink them as well . Will you join me on this journey to heal the body , lose weight and increase energy levels ? By doing this , you will never have to worry about weight again . But maybe she really does think it 's a lifestyle . After all , she seems convinced that smoothies are required to ward off these evil boogymen called toxins . As the introduction of her book states : Simply put , people often have difficulty losing weight because their bodies are full of poisons . The more toxins you take in or are exposed to every day , the more toxins you store in fat cells in your body . Toxins stored in fat cells are difficult to get rid of through dieting alone . You must first detoxify the body . Thus , the most effective weight - loss programs should focus on both fat loss and detoxification , which lead to overall improved heath and wellness . It 's bullshit . Sabrina Tavernise recently discussed this issue in The New York Times . As expected , she 's not impressed with those who peddle detoxification programs . Consuming more vegetables is great , mainstream doctors and nutritionists agree . But they dismiss the detox claims as a confusing jumble of science , pseudoscience and hype . They argue that humans already have a highly efficient system for filtering out most harmful substances - the liver , kidneys and colon . These toxins that you 're allegedly flushing out of your system are rarely defined by the bullshit peddlers . Sometimes they 're defined as pesticides or heavy metals , but the actual symptoms of toxicity or poisoning from these substances ? Nowhere near close to what a cleanse is designed to help . As hinted at earlier , generally a cleanse is designed to make both you and your wallet a little lighter . It 's called the GSC Certified Leadership Training , and it 's only $ 297 . Or if you 're tight on money , you can obtain it for " 3 Easy Installments of $ 109 " . No refunds , of course . It 's perfectly fine to spend time with a legitimate professional who can help monitor and guide your weight - loss journey . That 's a wonderful idea , in fact . Especially if you 're dealing with a hundred pounds or more . Daniel Finney of the Des Moines Register , for example , is engaged in a positive , healthy effort to conquer his obesity struggle once and for all . And he 's enlisted the help of trained professionals . I had an unhealthy relationship with food . I ate when I was bored , sad , and even happy - and I did so in excess . When I came home from work , I drank a bottle of hard liquor and ate delivery pizza while I played Call of Duty . I was sedentary and rarely exercised . During most meals , I consumed enough to become uncomfortably full . Acid reflux and food comas were a regular part of my life . It wasn 't about how many carbs I ate , the fat content , or whether or not I drank green smoothies . Weight gain was a side - effect of the way I lived my life . I lived a lifestyle that made me fat ; and when I changed that , the problem self - corrected . What about people who don 't struggle with weight gain ? Is it because they drink green smoothies every day ? Of course not ! They simply live their lives in a way that doesn 't put them at risk of gaining weight . But I get it . I 've been there , and it 's not easy . It takes an vigilant effort to live a healthy life , and we have to be both willing and able to educate ourselves . The average person in this country is either overweight or obese ; the " default " method of food consumption simply won 't cut it . And the food industry ? It 's not going to help us . Did Ronald McDonald ever visit your elementary school ? Did you have toys that were branded with Coca - Cola 's logo ? Have you ever wondered why you can purchase a hamburger for $ 1 , but fresh produce can be multiple times as much ? People like Dr . Yoni Freedhoff , for example . His YouTube series about diet myths is absolutely spot - on . Or if you want nutritional advice , then look to actual nutrition experts - like the folks at Harvard 's School of Public Health . If you want to maintain a food journal and track what you eat - in order to make informed decisions - the folks at MyFitnessPal have created a fantastic app . It was the single most effective tool in my weight - loss journey . Like a budget does with finances , it helped me clean up my act . But here 's the deal : these folks empower you to take control of your life and then step out of the way - removing themselves from the equation . That 's because it 's ultimately about you . A good teacher will show you the path , but you have to walk it . Folks like JJ Smith and other quacks from the weight - loss industry ? What they sell is dependency . It 's not about you ; it 's about them . They 're like gurus , and gurus have a funny way of making themselves necessary . Maybe that 's what JJ Smith means when she describes her Green Smoothie Cleanse as a lifestyle . Maybe that 's why she " certifies " people to spread the message . What do you think ? Leave a comment and let me know . And if you want to help spread the word about quackery in the weight - loss industry , feel free to share this with someone on social media . I 'm not just talking about the scornful looks from folks in public , or the occasional comment from my mom about my health . It was more subtle than that . There 's a pervasive , generally unspoken message that comes from movies , television , advertisements , video games - everywhere , really . " Well why would he ? " you might ask . " She 's probably not attracted to him - seeing as he 's obviously let himself go . And he 'd look silly dressed as Spider - Man . " As a fat person , you get the message loud and clear : what you are , what you look like , everything about you , it 's not okay . The people on the screens who go for adventures , fall in love , save the world - they aren 't like you . They 're better . Thinner . But you can play a supporting role as someone else 's comedic relief or prissy friend , if you want . That was never good enough for me . I hated being fat . I thought of myself as the thin , athletic guy that I was back in high school ; but whenever I looked in the mirror , the damn thing showed me the wrong person . And when I went shopping , anything under size 40 to 42 was too tight . I wore dark colors to hide my bulging midsection , tugged on the bottom of my shirt whenever I stood up , and sucked in my stomach if an attractive woman was nearby . But there 's another message that was targeted at me : one which says " exercise will make you lose weight " . You see thin people walking around in their gym clothes ; see the advertisements that feature models running , cycling , lifting weights , doing whatever ; and you flip through the channels only to hear Jillian Michaels or some other snake - oil salesman hawking diet pills or shouting like a drill sergeant to work harder and sweat off that weight . I later learned that weight loss begins and ends in the kitchen , but I didn 't know this at the time . There 's a one - mile stretch of road near my mother 's house with a good hill at the end . It seemed like a reasonable place to start : sparse traffic , no other runners , no threats of people staring or watching . I laced up a pair of running shoes I purchased a few years earlier , put on some baggy gym shorts and an oversized , cotton t - shirt , and began the first day of my new life . After about twenty seconds , I had to stop and catch my breath . My sides ached as if my lungs had been torn open , sweat poured down my face , and my legs felt weak and rubbery . My entire body felt slow . Heavy . I was dumbfounded . I used to run back in high school to stay in shape for wrestling and motocross racing , and during my first year with Teach For America , I ran around the track at the gym in - between racquetball games . I 'd gained a lot of weight , had a few too many drinks , and spent a lot of time in front of a screen , but still … it wasn 't supposed it be like that . I toughed it out and made it back home . And to my credit , I did continue to run on and off for a few more weeks . But one missed day turned into two , and before I knew it , three or four weeks had gone by without doing anything . Did I suddenly develop an ironclad willpower ? Did I stop being a baby and learn to tough it out ? Did I hire a personal trainer who kept me accountable ? When I run , it 's the highlight of my day . I 'm out in nature listening to the chirping of the birds , the rustling of the leaves on the trees , and the synchronization of my footfalls and breathing . I 'm alone , in solitude . Just me and my thoughts as I move the way my body evolved to move . Past regrets and future concerns disappear as I focus on that next step , that next hill or descent , right here , right now . But that 's the problem . Our society fundamentally misunderstands the role of exercise . We believe that it 's a drudgerous , self - flagellating activity to be endured in order to get that " beach body " or stay healthy . The idea that it can be fun , that it can be something more than struggle and exertion - it 's conspicuously absent from the mainstream narrative . Just look at the design of our gyms . Why are there so many televisions ? Most of the machines in the cardio rooms are pointed right at them and have little headphone ports so you can zone out . The idea is that exercise can 't possibly be enjoyable enough in - and - of itself . We didn 't evolve to sit at desks and stand behind counters , to shut ourselves in tiny boxes and miss the best hours of the day while we complete arduous tasks . We evolved to move . When I 'm out running on a beautiful trail or country road , I 'm a part of nature like every other animal . I put on my sunglasses , take in the beautiful and slightly tinted world around me , and depart on my own personal adventure . It makes me feel alive . I 'm moving . Running . Going from Point A to Point B with an ability and urge that 's deeply embedded in my DNA and only needs to be unearthed , rediscovered , and released . For the late Dr . George Sheehan , running was a form of play . A way to escape the trappings of modern life and recapture a childlike sense of joy . According to his son , Andrew , it " stripped from [ his life ] the complicating need for possessions and position " - which , for many of us , is a significant cause of stress . Today 's work does not make us the persons we can be . Work is simply the price to be paid . Having earned our daily bread , we can turn to our daily play . Play is where life lives . Where the game is a game . At its border , we slip into heresy . Become serious . Lose our sense of humor … Money , power , position become ends . The game becomes winning . And we lose the good life and the good things that play provides . Running has roots in our prehistory . We don 't run because Baron de Coubertin invented the modern Olympic Games in 1896 , but because our survival once depended upon it and , to a lesser extent , still does . Millennia ago , small packs of early man stalked game for food on the plains of East Africa , chasing for a while , then resting , then chasing again until their hapless prey was exhausted and could escape no more . It 's a story told by Michael Baughman in his book , Mohawk Blood . Inspired by the ancestral tales of his native - American family , he chased down a deer for many miles until it became exhausted and lied down . Baughman then approached it and touched its flank , thinking about those who came before him - those who would have killed the deer for sustenance . They see it as an equally - valid method of getting from Point A to Point B as walking . Perhaps more so . They smile , saunter about , and sometimes leap with excitement . They race each other - challenging friends by saying " one , two , three , go ! " For children , the whole world is a playground full of possibility . Sand turns into elaborate castles , furniture becomes mountains for toy cars , and the future is a bright and wonderful place where dreams of grandeur come true . The entire day , from morning to sundown , is one experimental sandbox of excitement , wonder , and play . Suddenly they 're told to slow down , to walk in the hallways and speak with " inside voices " . They 're told to stand in a straight line not because there 's any logical reason to do so , but because adults believe in things called order . Because there 's rules . " You can run in gym class or recess , " they 're told , learning that there is a specific time and place for running . Forty or fifty minutes . An hour , perhaps . And then they 're back in a room , sitting in desks . And as the years go by , children are measured , graded , compared with their peers and pushed into competition with one another . Sports are less about kicking around a ball with friends and more about winning . Their parents become upset when they miss a fly ball or strike out . Some coaches scream . Even a wild animal will domesticate given enough time . The most aggressive horse will eventually yield and submit to a saddle . Likewise , twelve years of schooling will rewire the way we think . And why would it be ? By this point , kids have learned another lesson : unless you 're going to be the best at something , there 's no reason to do it . If it doesn 't contribute to a career , then it 's a waste of time . Their job is to work . To earn a living . Everything else is just a childish fantasy . If you 're going to run , then it better be because you 're a professional athlete or you 're raising money for a cause . What happens to our play on the way to becoming adults ? Downgraded by the intellectuals , dismissed by the economists , put aside by the psychologists , it was left to the teachers to deliver the coup de grace . " Physical education " was born and turned what was joy into boredom , fun into drudgery , pleasure into work . What might have led us into Eden led us into a blind alley instead . And simply changed our view of the universe . It was hard , strenuous , and embarrassing since I was overweight and out of shape . But it was fun . So much fun , in fact , that it quickly consumed my life and put me on a path to becoming an athlete . It became a form of liberation and play - a way to escape . It also led to many unexpected experiences and opportunities . And when I decided to try running once more , it suddenly clicked . A gateway activity will hook you and ignite a deep , burning passion . It 'll teach you that there 's more to exercise than just " hitting the gym " and shedding a few pounds . It doesn 't matter what you do as long as you just do something . Anything . Buy a day pass at a rock climbing gym . Pay for a month of classes with a reputable yoga teacher . Join a couch - to - 5k program at your local running store , or participate in an online version like Reddit 's / r / C25K . Rent a bicycle or borrow one from a friend , and then hit the trails . Get some friends and find a place to rent kayaks . Even if you try ten things and nothing sticks , at least you 'll have some great stories . You 'll even meet new people . And once you finally discover an activity that imbues each day with joy and purpose , you 'll figure out the rest . There was a simple answer to the first part : I needed a job . It was August 28 , 2010 , and my commitment with Teach For America had ended in June . The last paycheck was gone , I 'd begun to rely on my savings , and I was back home living in the basement . I 'd applied to many dozens of jobs over the past few months , and this was the only one that responded . The test was simple enough . Run two laps around the parking lot - about a half mile in total - and then drag a two - hundred pound Rescue Randy manikin for a hundred feet . Sounds easy , right ? Maybe , but I wasn 't so sure . I 'd allowed my health to deteriorate over the past six years , and although I didn 't weigh the two - hundred and forty pounds that I 'd eventually balloon to , I wasn 't far off . But as I watched others give it a shot , I consoled myself in a manner that 's all - too - familiar to anyone who is or has ever been overweight and out of shape . Hey , at least I 'm not as bad as that guy , I thought , as I watched as a morbidly - obese man struggle through the first half of the first lap . More importantly though , how the hell did I end up here ? I 'd been accepted to law school back in April - the logical conclusion of six years of hard work . It 's not that anything was wrong with applying for a job to be a Polk County Detention Officer - other than , you know , my opinions about our prison system . It was a solid job . It even paid significantly more than I made as a teacher . I just had bigger and better things in mind . Working in a prison wasn 't part of the plan . Then again , the neither was the economic crisis . Or law school morphing into a debt - trap with poor job prospects . Or any of the things that had happened since Teach For America . But it was almost my turn to run . The butterflies had begun to wreak havoc on my stomach as I faced the reality of my situation : I 'd gotten fat . I might not be able to do this . I wore size 38 and 40 pants , popped Nexium like M & M 's to fight the ever - present acid reflux issues , and I spent my time eating and drinking while living life vicariously through the stories of movies , television shows , and video games . Hi , my name is Frank Beard . I studied politics and history at Drake University in Des Moines , Iowa - during which time I founded and managed some of the most active student organizations on campus . I moved to Washington , DC , for most of my junior year and helped start a political organization , and I ran a website that tracked absenteeism in the United States Senate . You may have heard about it on CNN or FOX . After graduation , I accepted a job with Teach For America - a prestigious national service corps that places top graduates in our country 's neediest schools for a minimum of two years . I plan to enroll in law school afterwards , and I will continue to advocate for the needs of low - income students . When we form an identity when we 're young , we often focus on the ways in which we differ from those around us . We want to be different and unique . To stand out . So while my rural elementary school had the " athletic kids " , the " class clown " , and even the " farm kids " , I became the " smart kid " . I arrived in kindergarten reading books meant for high school students , I was immediately put into talented and gifted classes , and I was moved ahead in math beginning in seventh grade . It was also a great defensive mechanism . Although I got along with everyone in middle and high school , I was never part of any clique . Rather than feel isolated when my most of my friends drifted off into one group or another , I took refuge in the idea that I was above all of the social games and drama . I just had to bide my time until I could go out into the real world . When that happened , it was my time to shine . I had options , of course . I was always great with computers , and I taught myself how to program . Shortly after turning eighteen , I sold a website and an online community to a company in the video game industry . I was paid to manage it for a few years . Math and science came easy as well , and I could have done something with that . But I wanted more than that . Although I didn 't understand how the world worked , it seemed that politics was near the center of everything . So I decided I 'd pursue law and try to find a way into that world . The lawyers in my community seemed well - off , and it 's no secret that many of our politicians have law degrees . So I gave it a shot . I worked hard and studied when many of my friends were out drinking and having a good time - or when some of them dropping out . One evening , I was so engrossed in my computer and headphones that I didn 't even notice that my roommate had returned with some of our friends , thrown up on the floor , and cleaned it up . As you can imagine , they didn 't let me forget about that one . I completed the physical test though . My quadriceps burned , my calves screamed in agony , and I felt like a thousand needles had been jabbed into the side of my ribs - transforming each breath into a form of self - flagellation . Thirty seconds in , and my shirt was drenched in sweat . As I rounded the first corner , I glanced at the other applicants . I remember how one guy in particular - who 'd run the course like it was a joke - stood there with his arms crossed , staring at me the way I 'd looked at the morbidly - obese man only moments earlier . Like I was a failure . It hurt to think that I 'd become that guy to someone else , but I quickly put the thought out of my head because I was in too much pain to think about it . The problem , you see , is that I was still waiting for the right job to come along and rescue me . I was still anchored to the smart kid identity . I still viewed life through my pretentious narrative . I just needed to land the right job so I could claw my way up to the level of success that I thought I deserved . So I took a job selling insurance . I know , I know . It 's basically the used - car salesman of the financial services industry . Everyone loves to hate them . But I was almost out of money , the training paid well , and there were no other offers . So what the hell , I figured . And as I soon discovered , there 's a lot of money in that field if you can make it work . But it all came crashing down . The slow months were brutal , and I was soon digging through my change jar for quarters to buy gas . Before long , I couldn 't pay the rent for my office and had to close shop . The narrative , the plan , all of it was blown to hell . Destroyed . Gone . This was real failure , and I didn 't know what to do . But I started to get angry . I deserved better than this , right ? I 'd worked hard and accomplished a lot . I had a good resume . Why was only one out of every forty or fifty job applications responding ? And it 's not like I was being picky . I once interviewed unsuccessfully for a position at a rural gas station that paid ten dollars per hour . How did I go from introducing a congressman on CSPAN to this ? Look , it 's no secret that times were tough and still are . Many people are deep in debt , working long hours for low pay , and stuck in dead - end jobs that have no future . A sizable portion of my generation lives with their parents . There 's even speculation that , as a whole , we may never obtain their quality of life . I decided that I 'd been cheated . Screwed over . I 'd done what I was supposed to do , and I deserved better than this . Some might call that entitlement , and I would have said " you 're damn right . " If you invested six years of hard work into something , would you expect a return ? The idea that it was somehow a character defect to expect more than the chance to apply for a job at a rural gas station ? I never found that convincing . And let me tell you , being a victim felt great . It was like a weight had finally been lifted off of my shoulders . This isn 't my fault , I realized . I held up my end of the bargain . It wasn 't that I tried and failed , but rather that the system had failed me . Victimhood allowed me to keep my pride and ego . The narrative could still be a part of my identity . Only now it ended with being stuck in an unfortunate position , trying to " figure it all out " . But being a victim just gets old . Regardless of whether your plight is legitimate or imagined , it colors your outlook on life and anchors you to your past . It keeps you trapped in stasis . That person who I used to be ? That person hadn 't existed for years . I didn 't know who I was anymore , because I didn 't actually do anything . I worked , of course . But I lived a life of escapism . I looked and felt horrible . And I sat around waiting for some job or career to come along and imbue my life with meaning and purpose . And even if I did get the perfect job , was that really the solution ? Would I suddenly give myself permission to start living ? Would I work towards my goals , do the things I wanted to do , and pursue companionship instead of being too embarrassed to let anyone into my life ? Of course not . The last time I had a job that I was proud of , I sat around and did the same thing : nothing . But more importantly , I have a full and active life outside of work . I don 't need a job to provide meaning and purpose , because I create my own . I 'm an athlete who likes to run , cycle , do something that resembles swimming . I actively work on my writing , and I plan to roll out short stories soon . Maybe turn them into audio narratives that folks can listen to when they drive to work . I 've also spent almost eight months working on a fitness website that I plan to launch this year ; it helps people revitalize their lives through endurance sports just like I did . People see the difference . And not just since I 've lost the equivalent weight of an MMA heavy bag , but because I 'm happier , I smile more , and I tell stories about what I 'm doing right now instead of what I used to do . I offer encouragement instead of negativity . I could have said no when my father and one of his employees invited me to go for a bike ride . I could have made excuses and found reasons to stay home . They 're cyclists , they take the sport seriously . They ride expensive bicycles and dress in funny - looking clothing . I 'm out of shape , so I 'll just slow them down and embarrass myself . And it was embarrassing . I did feel awkward . My own father had to slow down as I struggled to pedal up small hills . I 'm proud to say that I never walked the bike , but it didn 't stop me from wanting to . And when we finished , I was absolutely drained of energy . I had so much fun , in fact , that I agreed to start riding with them on Sunday mornings . So I decided to buy my own road bike . But winter was coming , and that meant too much snow and ice for cycling . I figured I 'd wait until April to purchase one . So that 's what I did . I downloaded MyFitnessPal , set a goal for daily caloric intake , and tracked every bit of food I put in my mouth . I learned to cook simple and healthy meals , cut out most of the garbage , and significantly increased my intake of vegetables . I also discovered that I love asparagus and broccoli . Who would have guessed ? When April rolled around , I didn 't even look the same . But now it was time to get in shape . I wasn 't about to get shown up again by my father on a bike ride ( no offense ) . Cycling was pure joy . I zoomed down the hills on country roads , felt the sun warming my skin , listened to the chirping of the birds and the rustle of the leaves in the trees . I quickly reached a level of proficiency where I could just turn on the gas and go for four , five , and six or more hours . I felt alive in a way that I hadn 't felt in … well , ever . I watched a local triathlon , and it looked like so much fun that I decided to do it that following year . That 's when I rediscovered running . Except this time I wasn 't an overweight guy applying for a job that he didn 't want . I was in great shape . And where did that come from , exactly ? Nobody is born with an innate dislike for running . As a kid , I loved racing my dad across our front yard . I thought running was a normal way of moving from Point A to Point B . I don 't run a lot of races , and I don 't care about having a wall of finisher 's medals . I 'm not the fastest or the best , and I 'm still working up to that local 50k that I hope to run as a personal accomplishment . To me , running isn 't another competition to win . I don 't need that kind of affirmation . I see what I look like in the mirror , and I know how great I feel both physically and mentally . That speaks louder than any shiny thing dangling from my wall . Running is a form of physical mediation . It 's my time . When I 'm out on a beautiful trail , taking in the vivid greens , blues , and the sounds of life around me , I feel something that can only be described as a spiritual experience . It reminds me that there 's something simple and profound buried underneath all of the ways that we make life complicated and confusing . Endurance sports have also helped to diversify my identity . I 'm a cyclist because I cycle . I 'm a runner because I run . And I 'm an athlete because I train my body to go for longer distances . Those are all things that I want to do , and I 'm doing them right now . I don 't need my job to provide a purpose or identity . There 's opportunity in struggle . Never forget that . If I 'd just moved into a career and kept chugging along , I 'd be tied to a path that represents the best thinking available to my eighteen - year - old self . Maybe that 's okay . Maybe not . Perhaps I 'd just be another overworked , overstressed attorney . As I looked around and remembered that embarrassing day , I wondered if perhaps my memory had failed . Surely I didn 't struggle with this . It 's small . Hardly anything . But then I remembered the placement of the orange cones . Yeah , it happened . It was a great day for a run . Iowa has beautiful summers - even if they 're a bit humid . The sky was free of clouds , a light breeze snaked through the trees , and I ran with no headphones or other distractions . Just the sounds of nature , the occasional cyclist , and the synchronization of my breathing and cadence . I ran five miles out , five miles back , and passed through downtown Des Moines along the way . I 'm a speaker , writer , and advocate for healthful living . I 'm also part of the team at GasBuddy as an Analyst / Evangelist for Convenience Store and Retail Trends . But you might know me as the guy who spent 30 days eating gas station food to prove that " eating out " can be healthy . " Frank Beard 's " 30 Days of Gas Station Food " experiment and Instagram account have raised a lot of awareness to the fact that most , if not all , convenience stores have quite a few healthy options . " http : / / frankbeard . org / testimonials / 1567 / " Frank brings a unique perspective to the industry , and his enthusiasm is contagious . Great speaker ! " I 'm always stumbling upon great books and articles . I 'll let you know once a month . You 'll also recieve a comprehesive list of my all - time favorite books when you sign up . Instagram
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Running with Purpose ! - - The AllEars running team will be participating in the January 2014 WDW full and / or half marathon . Co - Captains Mike Scopa and Michelle Scribner - MacLean will provide information , tips and stories to help folks train for the event . All team members are also fundraising for the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer . I should explain my background first ; it helps to set up the whole story . Growing up , my sister and I were athletes . We were encouraged by my parents to get out there and play . I joined the local swim club in grade school , and I found my true passion . I found a sport that my body was built for … speed was not my forte . I was built for distance . I stayed stick - like until high school , where my freshman year on the varsity swim team I put on 15 pounds of muscle . I still look back at my years on the swim team as special . It was a great group of people to be around , and to this day they are some of my biggest supporters and cheerleaders . When I got my acceptance letter to the University of Illinois , my high school coach was one of the first to congratulate me . It meant the end of my swimming career and the beginning of my struggles with weight , food and working out . But I don 't think I would change my mind , even if I knew what my life would be like for the next 12 years . I stayed thin … until junior year hit . My roommate and I moved into our apartment , and I met my future ex - husband . He graduated , had a full time career and wanted to date me . I have never had luck with guys ( and still don 't ) … but here was a cute guy who wanted to take me out to dinner and cook for me . On top of that , I had a car to drive back and forth to class and work . I had a boyfriend who wanted to play video games and watch movies . And I settled . The weight continued to pile on over the next few years as real life begin . Life was fast food for lunch , take out for dinner , oversized portions of food when we did make food at home . I found myself looking into the mirror and not recognizing the person looking back . After a particularly fattening holiday season , I had it . I stopped looking at the scale at 185 pounds , and I know I probably hit at least 190 . For a girl that was 120 pounds of pure muscle just a few years earlier , it was depressing . 2007 needed to be the year of change . Little did I know what that meant until later . I started to get kind of serious about my health … and then … Life got way to serious . My then husband started acting strange . He wasn 't happy , and I didn 't know how to fix it . To this day I don 't know if I could have fixed it . He stopped talking to me , despite my every attempt to get him to talk . My best friend now looked at me like I was his enemy . For months I fought to save my marriage . He promised to try too , but in the end he didn 't . Following my sister 's wedding , I took a solo trip to Disneyland . It would be my first trip to DL , as well as my first solo trip . I spent a Monday - Friday in Disneyland , exploring Walt 's dream . I looked in every hotel , walked through every store , and rode every open ride . While I spent a lot of time texting and calling my family and friends , but for the most part it was me and my thoughts in the Happiest Place on Earth . How amazing was that feeling when I said " self , what do YOU want to do next ? " Compromise was not necessary , it was just me . Every day my confidence in my ability to be out on my own grew . 3 pm on Jan 4th , at the age of 26 , I was divorced . I spent that weekend in front of the tv , barely eating . I don 't like to miss meals , so after two days of that I decided to pick myself up , head to work . Work was a great way to escape the feelings , and became my safe haven . June of that year I bought my own house , and life really felt like it was getting back to a positive place . I learned to live on my own ( and that , by the way , is the best advice my cousin Tracey gave me ! ) Since then , life has only gotten better . I still work for the athletic department , I still love my house . My sister had a baby , and my niece is the greatest kid ever . Still , something was missing . I continued to lose weight , and hit about 140 late in 2009 . My goal weight was 130 , and I struggled to get past the 140 mark . Something had to change , and not just my eating and drinking habits . I couldn 't tell you when I got the crazy idea to run a half marathon . I think I was in college , probably about the same time that I decided I wanted a tattoo . ( Yes , I do have one ! it is on my left wrist , and it is the Chinese symbols for Inner Strength ) . A friend from work needed a 4th person to run on her Marathon Relay for the Illinois Marathon in Champaign . For the next four months , I trained . I didn 't have a drop of coke . I mostly resisted sweets and fatty foods . And those last 10 pounds came off . There are a lot of comparisons between swimming and running . Yes , it can be a team sport , but ultimately it is just you , staring at the bottom of a pool , running to the beat of your own feet on the pavement . It is just you and the clock . I found one of the feelings that I had been missing … I was hooked after that first race . 5k races kept me busy over the summer , and I used them as an excuse to travel . I decided that I survived a 7 mile run , I could double that . I wanted my first half marathon to be amazing , so I chose to make a trip to the Disney World Marathon weekend . Reading all that I could on the Disney Marathon Weekend , I quickly became overwhelmed . In talking to Dad about possibly using their DVC points , Mom decided she wanted to go with me and walk the 5k . I felt better knowing someone would be there with me , and I signed us up for the 5k . Shortly after , I came across information about Team AllEars . I decided to join up with the group . I might as well raise money for a great cause while training ; it would be an extra motivation . A private group on facebook was set up for the team , and I got to know everyone by friending them . Over the last several months , I have followed everyone 's training , learned about them and their families , and most importantly , had their support . Veterans helped us rookies out with information and suggestions , and we all swapped information about everything from what music we listen to on our training runs to tips about injuries . I felt like I knew many of them well before we met . Many teammates hit their $ 500 goal well before the races , and with the support of friends and family , I got to $ 540 at the beginning of December . Training went well , until December . Turns out , December 2010 had some of the highest snowfall and coldest temps in recorded history , and that makes for tough training conditions . The treadmill and I have our differences , and by the end of December , I hated it . With a passion . ( Teammate Mandy calls it the " dreadmill " . ) I didn 't train nearly long enough , and my mileage quickly slipped below where it should be . I knew that this first ½ marathon was going to be rough , but I kept up the positive attitude . The best advice from one of my bosses ( who is also a cross country coach ) - " Just finish . It is your first , you can use it as a base for you next runs " . I struggled with eating and drinking properly , and 5 lbs quickly were put back on over the month of December . Finally , it was time to leave for Disney . Mom and I are veterans at traveling , and we know Disney better than home . We headed over to ESPN Wide World of Sports from Saratoga Springs and picked up our packets . I loved WWofSports , I hope to head back there to visit and watch a game or two someday . Everything was well directed , and after about 2 hours we had our packets , free samples and all kinds of info on other races and running gear . Dinner at Cap ' n Jacks ( turns out you CAN eat healthy in Disney ! ) and then a bit of shopping before we headed back to the room . The 5k wake - up call was 4 : 30 am for a 7 am race . 5500 runners and walkers were ready to go in the pre - race area . Disney had a nice set up , with bag checks , a DJ and concessions . Mom and I wandered around before eventually taking our places in the corrals . Buzz and Woody were on hand to start the race , and fireworks went off as runners headed out . It was an untimed fun run , so I used it as a pre - race warm up . I used the first mile to warm up and get used to the feeling of pavement under my feet . Once we headed from the back stage area into the EPCOT World Showcase , I was able to relax and enjoy the run and view . The sun was just coming up over the countries , and it was fun to see characters in various pavilions . The final turn to the finish line had Team AllEars / AllCheers lined up and yelling loudly . I had a Buzz and Woody medallion placed around my neck , and I felt good . 3 miles felt like nothing , and I just got to run though EPCOT . I introduced myself to a few teammates and got a big hug from Deb before finding mom and heading back for showers and breakfast . We headed out to Hollywood Studios for a few hours , with lunch at Mama Melrose . I headed back to the room for a bath and a nap , and decided to relax and rest . I chatted with an aunt and sister , and watched crappy tv . Being bored helped to slow everything down so I could focus on what I was about to do . Sleep came surprisingly easy , but nothing can really prepare you for a 2 : 40 am wake up call . I had everything lined up and ready to go , and I was at the bus stop by 3 am . Around 4 am I was able to meet up with other teammates who were running the half , and it was great to finally say hi in person . Talking to them kept me calm . Thanks , mates . After a long walk from the pre - race area to the start line with 27 , 000 other runners , I was ready . I found myself doing some of the same ' shake offs ' that I used to do before my swim races . They could have put a starting block in front of me , I would have used it . I was in the 4th wave of runners , and we were started off with fireworks . The first 5 . 5 miles felt great . But the run though MK was magical , and there were a TON of people cheering . The next 2 . 5 miles until mile 8 felt good , and after the half way point my mentality shifted from first half to second half . Somewhere between miles 8 and 10 , I started to hurt . I was hungry and felt a little dehydrated , so I used the Clif Bar stop and water stops to walk and try to regain my energy . Miles 10 - 12 were brutal . I think I cursed them with every word in the book . The course was flat until after mile 10 , then there were two overpasses to climb . Those of us from central Illinois are not used to any kind of hills at all , so they were a bit of a struggle . Once over the final overpass , Spaceship Earth loomed in the distance . Finally , a point in the distance that meant the end . The final 1 . 1 miles were amazing , running through future world in EPCOT and past a gospel choir to the finish where thousands were cheering loudly ( and Journey 's Don 't Stop Believing on my IPod ) … it made it worth it . The training , the dreadmill , sore muscles and knee pains , the fundraising , … worth it . Later that afternoon was the official team meeting that most of the team was able to attend . I was so glad to finally , FINALLY meet everyone . Deb gave a great speech , and Mike , Michelle and the rest of the ' buds ' got their much deserved recognition . Jamison made a CD with running music , picked from various people 's running list discussed on our chat board . Deb gave us all an additional medal . But the most amazing moment was the final tally … of nearly $ 47 thousand dollars raised . The money raised goes to a great organization , and now those who suffer from this deadly disease will have the help they need to fight . Dinner at Trails End was good , but the company was amazing . Mike and his wife Joelle , Julie , Deb … it was like we were all old friends . The bus to the main part of the complex to hop in Mike and Joelle 's car had a few other teammates to chat up . I was sad that the evening had to end , but many of them had to get ready for another early start for the full marathon . Mom and I headed back into the room to pack and get ready for our early 4 am wake up call . Running is amazing , but the experiences that come along with running are what make it all worth it . I have met some amazing people , and I hope to run alongside all of them again . Thank you to all of my Team AllEars mates who cheered , encouraged and kept me otherwise from going crazy . Thank you to all of you who donated to this amazing cause . This last year has been one amazing ride ; I hope that 2011 is even better . Tags : Sara Rhodes Team AllEars 2011 We made a commitment to participate in the January 2011 WDW Marathon Weekend . We trained , we got healthier , we raised awareness and funds in the first against breast cancer , we laughed , we cried , we were injured , we had triumphs and setbacks , we made new friends , found unexpected support , and we gave it our all . We are Team AllEars Running with Purpose . My race memories began when I arrived at BWI and first met fellow team members Dan , Tim and Kerry who were all on the same flight to WDW . I arrived at WDW and immediately went to the race expo where I ran into fellow team member , and fraternity big brother Rob . A special highlight was the time spent talking with Eric as we reminisced about meeting in the half marathon corral during our first race 2 years prior and how far we have each come with our improved health and and focus on running . Arriving at Port Orleans , it was like coming home and seeing family when I got to catch up with Jamison , Melanie , Julie , Jessica , Holly & Dave , Amanda as well as our leaders Deb , Mike and Michelle . It was a thrill to run the 5K on Friday and get the first taste of crossing the finishing line which I would repeat two additional times over the weekend . A highlight of the 5K was seeing a smiling Stephanie cross the finish line to earn her well deserved medal . The camaraderie of the 4am pre half - marathon team gathering , photo and pep talk really got the adrenaline flowing for the 13 . 1 journey ahead . It was a thrill to see Team AllCheers stationed throughout the race course and to be cheered by complete strangers rooting for Team Allears . Saturday 's meet at Fort Wildness was exciting as we got to congratulate first time half - marathon finishers who were already planning ahead for their next personal challenge . The unveiling of the fundraising total really got the emotions flowing and for those of us running on Sunday , this was the motivation we needed to tackle 26 . 2 miles . Sunday 's 4am pre full marathon team gathering again helped bond team members who were running 26 . 2 miles or capping off their Goofy or Dopey weekends of 39 . 3 or 42 . 4 miles . Once again seeing Team AllCheers out on the course really gave the runners something to look forward to . The final race highlight for me was heading down Hollywood Blvd at the Studios and running into Josh and Dominic . It was great to share part of the final leg of the marathon with several Julie Olson Team All Ears means so much to me . For the last two years I have been able to meet some incredible people who helped me through the hardest parts of training and made me laugh when I needed it most . I loved getting to run side - by - side with my teammates and hear people scream out our names ! Most of us started out as strangers but we ended up a family . I 'll see you next year ! I had such a blast being part of the team for this year . Made some fantastic new friends , teammates & memories . I was blown away by the team meet we had on Saturday afternoon . Can 't express enough how much I enjoyed being involved in a such a worthy cause , Thanks so much for letting me participate . I enjoyed running the Goofy challenge so much , I think I will do it again . Being a part of Team All Ears once again in 2011 was such a rewarding experience . The people I have met through the Team are now life long friends . I received 4 medals for running the weekends races but the 5th medal I received for being a part of Team All Ears is the one that means the most to me . It represents so much . Strength , courage , friendship and most of all a huge step to end breast cancer . I can 't wait to be a part of the team again in 2012 . Here 's a picture I had taken somewhere around mile 20 - 22 . A supporter was holding the sign and it summed up how I felt . The feeling of crossing that finish line was worth the torture I put myself through to reach it . I look at the pictures from the race , and my medal , with pride and I don 't even remember the sore legs anymore . It was an honor to run as a member of Team AllEars and to raise money for your cause . The pride associated with that equals crossing the finish line . Shawn Moffett When I signed up for Team AllEars , I was a Disney Fan , but not a runner . I thought it sounded like fun to run through the parks . But , since I was 39 years old , I figured it was now or never . Although I had never met any of my other Teammates , I felt like I had known them for years . Anytime I was down , hurting or lost my motivation , they were there to boost me back up and steer me in the right direction . I did not get a chance to meet any of my Teammates until Marathon Weekend . Each and every person I met treated my wife and I like family . No matter what our finish time or pace was , they cheered us on along the way and hugged us at the end . Since this was my first Half - Marathon , I had no idea what to expect . Running at Disney is truly amazing . Not only are you running with thousands of other Disney fans , who motivate you along the way , but there are total strangers cheering for you and yelling your name . It 's a great feeling to be running along , wondering why you decided to do this and how much it hurts , and then standing in the crowd is a group of people with a Team AllEars sign . You hear these people above everyone else ( the cowbells helped ) and for a brief time you forget the pain and you forget how tired you are . Team AllEars was a great experience . I have many new friends that I would not have met without this Team . Thanks to everyone for their support over the past year . I am planning on returning next year and I can 't wait to see everyone again . Joining Team AllEars was one of the best things I have ever done . It was the friendliest , kindest and most helpful group of people I have ever met . People that have never met me before I got to Florida for the rest gave me great advice and helped me make sure I had everything I needed for race day . Many times I almost chickened out thinking I 'm too old , inexperienced and out of shape to do the race . But with everyone 's encouragement I was able to finish 10 miles of the race before being swept . I am very proud of myself and even prouder to have been part of Team AllEars ! And the bonus . . . we raised lots of money for Breast Cancer ! I can 't wait for next year . This year was my second year with Team AllEars . Words cannot describe the emotions that well up within me whenever I tell people about this magnificent group of people . The people I have met and the Friendships and memories that have been made will last a lifetime . Becoming a runner was a very difficult thing for me but it has been such an overwhelming experience , and an absolutely incredible journey . In 2 and a half short years I have become a 7 time Half - Marathoner and a 2 time Marathoner with multiple smaller races in between . I look forward to many many more years of TEAM ALLEARS as we all continue TO RUN WITH A PURPOSE ! ! ! ! ! ! . Jessica Cutler After finishing my very first half marathon during the 2010 Marathon weekend I was hooked in this running thing . After seeing the fun times that my teammates during the Goofy Challenge that year had , I knew that 's what the next step was for me . On the very first day registration opened for 2011 Marathon weekend , I signed myself up for the Goofy Race and 1 / 2 . The entire year of 2010 was spent getting ready for that Half Marathon and Full Marathon . Thanks to Team AllEars I had Friends , REAL friends who were training right along with me , going through the same things . I could ask questions and just have someone to talk to about how my training was going . It made the year speed by and before I knew it , it was January again , Time for the races ! Marathon weekend 2011 is a weekend I will never , ever forget . It is one of the best weekends I 've had in my entire life . Seeing friends from my team before the race who shared my nervous energy , seeing teammates on the course cheering us on and going to the team meets were some of the most happy memories I have . The best part of the weekend was running the Full Marathon with Holly and Rhonda . These two women are amazing and without them , I think I 'd still be somewhere between the Magic Kingdom and Animal Kingdom . They were so supportive and happy , running with them really made the miles fly by . The full marathon part of the Goofy Challenge was my first full marathon . It was an experience I cherish everyday , and it was " plussed " by running with two friends . Finishing the marathon and getting that Mickey medal and then walking over and getting a Goofy medal was so surreal . I 'm still pinching myself because I 'm still amazed that I could do it . I care so much for each person on Team AllEars and can 't wait to see old friends and new ones next year . I 'm such a lucky person to have met such wonderful people . Tags : Team AllEars When the smoke had cleared the team had truly accomplished what no member could have ever dreamed they would see . The team not only surpassed the total they had raised their first year but had come oh so close to doubling that figure . Later in February , when all donations had been counted , the Team Raised $ 50 , 535 to fight breast cancer ! We made a commitment to participate in the January 2011 WDW Marathon Weekend . We trained , we got healthier , we raised awareness and funds in the first against breast cancer , we laughed , we cried , we were injured , we had triumphs and setbacks , we made new friends , found unexpected support , and we gave it our all . We are Team AllEars Running with Purpose . Being a part of Team AllEars 2011 has been the best experience . Raising money for breast cancer , making new friends both on Facebook and finally meeting them in person Marathon weekend , being motivated to train and help motivate others , doing the 5K and 1 / 2 marathon with a great bunch of people , all made this year 's marathon weekend extra special . I loved every moment . I enjoyed attending many of the " meet and greets " , especially the Illuminations Dessert Party . Making plans to do some other races during the year with team members is great . Getting the 1 / 2 marathon medal AND receiving a Team AllEars medal was super special . Having my husband , daughter , future son - in - law and some of his family at the many races marathon weekend , to cheer me on as well as to cheer for all Team AllEars members , was terrific . I look forward to going " Goofy " and / or " Dopey " in 2012 with Team AllEars . Go Team ! ! It was an honor and a privilege to be a part of Team All Ears 2011 . I was amazed by the commitment so many teammates made to change the path of their lives by working hard to improve their fitness and achieve their race goals . As an " All Ears Bud " , I was able to closely interact and follow the progress of many incredible individuals as they progressed from never running a mile before to running a 5k and half marathon and more . Anyone can do this if you take that first step and leap forward with confidence . Team All Ears is a family to me . The most cherished part of this experience for me this year was that unlike last year , my entire family raced and fund raised with me . My 9 , 7 , 5 , 2 year old and my husband all ran races this year . Training with my family helped me convey the importance of nutrition and exercise to them and hopefully that lesson and commitment will stay with them forever . It was also important to involve my children in fund raising this year and teach them about their need to be involved in the community and to dedicate their time toward helping others in need . The support and friendship from this team and the lessons learned have forever changed my life for the better . Erwin Mascardo As the the first major accomplishment that Julia , Lily , and I have done together as a family , our whole weekend was all about personal achievement , and also about being a team and supporting each other . Even though the photo is of me alone after crossing the finish line , I would have never made it there without everyone from Team AllEars having stood behind me through the many months of training . This especially includes the teammates who are also my immediate family ! Well done to Julia and Lily as well ! WOW ! I ran 13 miles . . . I ran 13 miles ! Looking back , it seems like the weekend flew by however during the actual run , miles 9 through 12 seemed to last FOREVER . . . Over the past 8 months , I became a runner ( I finally feel comfortable calling myself that ) . It was very difficult to get to that day ~ my dad having a stroke 2 weeks before , finding care for my kids for the long weekend was hard , the training was hard ( not to mention extremely cold ) however finding the time to run was the most difficult part . Looking back , totally worth it , raising money for breast cancer research There is this one point in the race , after passing the Grand Floridian , on the road back to Epcot , that a DJ playing music with the people cheering me on , and I remember thinking to myself " This is pretty cool . " My knee pain kicked in around mile 9 and I owe quite a bit to the Gu and BioFreeze tables . I was so afraid that I was going to get swept so I ran as much as I could through the pain . When I finally made it through the finish line and I saw the words MEDICAL , so I ran straight in for some ice . Unfortunately , I didn 't realize how this would look to my poor husband , who had been cheering me on for the last 3 hours , from the sidelines . I freaked him out quite a bit , causing him to demand to get to that medical area to a poor , unsuspecting race volunteer . Something for us to laugh at now . After it all , it was a great day ~ beautiful weather , a lot of laughs , wonderful cause , motivation was in the air , a big , blingy metal , the sense of pride , and all that Disney magic . On that fateful day in April 2010 , Deb Wills told me about her experiences in running the Disney Half , and Kerry , Dan and I all said lets do it ! Having never really even ran , and being many pounds over weight , who would have thought that the training , the great virutal team support , and the all of the fundraising would actually culminate in us running our very first half marathon . Fast forward to January 2011 , and Kerry and I ( Dan was much faster ) started out in the dark to see how these next 13 . 1 miles would go . Having never run more than 10 miles in training , I fretted about how the last 3 . 1 miles would be and how my body would react . I kept telling myself that it is only a 5K left to go , I have run them before , and I can do it now ( trying to convince myself that I hadn 't just run 10 miles . ) I got to 11 . 5 miles and I saw the big overpass looming ahead and thought wow . . . this is going to be hard , how am I actually going to do this . Then . . . I saw our Team cheering us on . I needed that . I wanted that . And as you can tell from the picture . . . I hugged Deb with all of the energy I could muster , and she did the same . That hug got me over than dreaded incline , got me through Epcot , and got me around the turn to the finish line . What did I see there at the turn . . . more Team All Cheers , and Dan holding his medal ( told you he was faster ! ) Seeing our team , and that hug from Deb pushed me through to the end . I did it . . . I ran a half marathon ( with Kerry by my side the entire time . ) When I joined Team AllEars 2011 , little did I know the amazing journey I was about to undertake . As a first time runner the advice , insight , and encouragement from experienced runners on the team was invaluable . It was reassuring to learn other team members new to running shared the same fears and worries as me . I had never participated in fundraising prior to this and that was as daunting as the thought of running a Half Marathon . But I learned the generosity of my family and friends was beyond anything I could have imagined . To say I reaped more from this experience than I sowed would be an understatement . It was an honor and a privilege to be a part of the team . Gordon Harvey Serving on Team AllEars was an honor . A privilege . First , the cause that we supported and the incredible person who supported us , Deb , made this one of the most worthwhile things I 've ever done . It really didn 't hit me until I saw three things . First was during the Half - Marathon when I ran by a couple of AllEars cheering stations . These people knew me ; they called my name . I teared up ! My teammates were cheering me on as I ran in support of ending breast cancer ! The second time was in the Marathon . There they were again . Up so early , they could have been snuggled in bed , warm and cozy . Yet they came out to cheer us on . Holding signs , taking pictures . My teammates , all incredible people . But I was thunderstruck at the gathering on Saturday afternoon for photos and for Deb to put her medals on us . I looked around and saw some of the most amazing people I 've known . All united in a singular purpose , all sharing a camaraderie that centered around a love for all things Disney and a love for life , and the extension of life through the eventual end of cancer . I felt so small compared to these giants around me . They worked tirelessly to raise money for Avon Cancer Walk , they didn 't give up , they pressed on and raised a record amount of money so that someday we will see an end to breast cancer . I will never forget that moment . I will never forget these people . And I will never forget the amazing hug that this giant of a woman gave me that day . Thank you Deb , for letting me tag along as part of this incredible group of heroes . by Jamison Reynolds I would like to think that someday teams like Team Allears will not be necessary . I am not talking about eliminating camaraderie , running , or Walt Disney World from our lives , but the idea that we need to raise money for the fight against cancer . I know my group of friends on Team Allears and I am sure that if cancer did not exist then we would find another disease to fight , but cancer decided to try and take on our friend Deb Wills about 25 years ago and not only did it fail in that battle , it now has to deal with us ! Although a person is considered a survivor from the moment of diagnosis , not everyone has a happy ending . Breast cancer is the second leading cause of cancer deaths in women today ( after lung cancer ) and is the most common cancer among women , excluding nonmelanoma skin cancers . In 2011 alone , over 1 . 3 million women from across the globe will be diagnosed and 465 , 000 survivors will be lost . Team Allears supports Deb and , by extension , the Avon Walk For Breast Cancer because of the great work that organization does in the fight against breast cancer . The efforts of last year 's team went to support continued research on a biomarker that may be able to identify breast cancer patients who are at a higher risk of recurrence , research on biomarkers that can accurately distinguish breast cancers that are very aggressive from less aggressive types , mobile mammography service known as the " Mammovan " which serves 2 , 500 women in Washington , D . C . , and numerous patient navigation programs . Avon does not just support the research that will be employed in the fight against cancer tomorrow , they support those that are living with the disease today . Research says that one in three Americans will eventually develop some form of cancer in their lifetime . Those who do not develop cancer will most likely know someone directly fighting the disease . For most of my life I was lucky enough not knowing what cancer looked like . Cancer was always something I heard about , but not something I ever really " worried " about . I started smoking when I was 14 , starting drinking before I was 21 and did not lead the most healthiest of lifestyles . By the time I was 22 I was smoking my 1st cigarette of the day as soon as I awoke , with my pack next to my alarm clock . My wife had the opposite experience . Many of her family members fought the disease as she grew up . Her mother was a cancer survivor , having beaten breast cancer . Shortly after we were married , my mother - in - law went in for a scan shortly after her 5 year anniversary of beating cancer ( for those who don 't know , that 5 year mark is a MAJOR milestone in the fight ) . . . and they found a spot on her lung . For the first time in my life I saw cancer . I saw my mother - in - law go through surgeries , chemo , and radiation . I saw her lay in bed unable to move , unable to eat , but I saw her FIGHT . We lost Pat , an amazing women , an anchor in her community , in January 2005 . Her funeral was like a head of state had left us . People lined up in the rain for hours to pay their respect . I had never seen any thing like it . I saw for the first time what cancer can take . Pat never got to see her grandkids and only got to be at one of her daughters ' weddings . Five girls lost their mother , two were still in high school . The following month I took as position with the American Cancer Society as a Community Manager . I was angry and I was going to get directly involved in the fight . I was going to do what I could to fight this awful disease . I had already quit smoking , l and after having been rattled by losing Pat I was ready to make cancer my full time job . Shortly afterwards , my grandpa went to the doctor , got x - rays , and was in the hospital . Having gone in for a bad cough and weight loss , the doctors found cancer in his lungs , liver , spine and the base of his scull . After having never seen cancer growing up , there was MY grandfather , seven months after having lost Pat and six months after going to work for the ACS , laying in a hospital bed hearing the extent of his cancer . They started him on a aggressive treatment plan to get it under control . . . to buy time . The doctors thought they could manage the disease to the point he would have six months to a year . Two weeks later I got the call , that horrible call no one who has moved away from home wants to get . He held on long enough for his grandson and his wife to drive from West Virginia to the Jersey Shore . He passed 15 minutes after we arrived . He got to hear me make one more bad joke and I got to kiss his forehead and tell him goodbye . He passed two months before his first great grandson ( named Patrick in part to honor my lost mother in law ) was born . Over the coming months articles will be written on this blog about everything from training programs to favorite music selections to diet to how to get up for a run at 2 : 30 in the morning , but make no mistake . Team Allears is in a fight against cancer . We may not be the scientists who will find the cure or the doctor who will administer that cure , but we will be the ones that helped fund that cure . We will be the ones that raised awareness about the fight against cancer . Please stay tuned as to how you can get involved , either by joining us as a runner , supporting us as a friend or donor , or simply doing what you can to prevent cancer in your own life or the lives of your loved ones . Nonsense . Is that how life is ? Certainly not . We go through life making adjustments all the time … we have to be flexible in order to get through the day , the week , the month , the year … through life . For instance , the long - term goal is to improve my half - marathon pace . So I am looking for a certain pace range for that distance . Is it realistic ? Yes because in the past I have come within 30 seconds of that pace so it 's doable . Is there a way to put together short - term goals to help me reach that long - term goal ? I think so . their affiliates . All Disney artwork , copyrights , trademarks , service marks , and trade names are proprietary to Disney Enterprises , Inc . or , its subsidiary , affiliated and related companies , as the case may be . For official Disney information , visit http : / / www . disneyworld . com
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* warning : This post requires kleenex * I was fresh out of school with a brand new registry card sitting proudly in my wallet when I went on this call . It 's a difficult thing for me to write about , so please forgive me if this is fractured . . . and if you have questions , please ask them . This is cheaper than therapy . She said she was 20 weeks pregnant , but she hadn 't had any pre - natal care except for a positive pregnancy test . This was baby number 5 for her . . . . and at the age of 22 , she was swearing it was going to be her last . She called because she was having spotting and cramping . When Young Stud partner and I got to the house , we had to fight our way past trash bags of dirty diapers and broken toys . My feet were sticking to the tacky carpet as we walked into the living room . It looked like a tornado had hit it . Every surface had something on it . There were clothes and toys and shoes and bags and plates and cups and the miscellania a house inhabited by small children accumulates over time . The smell of burning hair and grease was all - permeating and my duty pants ' shirt and boots smelled like it for the rest of the shift . The family was assembled on the couch ; mom at one end , with her coat already on , ready to go . The kids and a man who I later learned to be her boyfriend and the father of not a fucking one of those kids were at the other end . We made our introductions and I got a set of vitals on her . Everything seemed to be normal and I had started to write her off in my head as a ' having cramping so I can get an ultrasound and see whether it 's a girl or a boy ' . . . . until she stood up . On the couch , there was a patch of blood where she 'd been sitting , and a bloom was spreading across the crotch of her shorts . Ohfuckohfuckohfucknotonmywatch . Oh fuck . We need to go , and we need to go NOW . We were about 5 minutes away from the ER . Young Stud chose me to sit in the back , being the female EMT on board . I gave a radio report , making sure I mentioned that she was having cramping and significant bleeding , trying to get my point acroPosted by I 'm ready to go back to work . I 'm done sitting at home . . . If anyone who reads my blog knows of any EMS job openings in the Southwestern Illinois and St Louis , MO area , will you please let me know ? I 'm nationally registered and licensed in both states . . . . I don 't want to sound desperate , but I sorta kinda am . Either way you pronounce it , mine 's fucked up . I 'm sitting in a hospital bed , blogging on their wifi connection . I got admitted Saturday afternoon and I 'm hoping to go home tomorrow - but that 's not a certain thing . At first I thought I might have a drug induced hepatits because of the Bactrim and ketoconazole I started on Friday . I woke up right at midnight Saturday with right upper quadrant pain but figured it would go away on it 's own . I was wrong . It didn 't go away , and it got worse so I had Urbaner take me to the ER . It took me 10 hours to decide to go ; I didn 't want to use it as an urgent care clinic . By the time we got there , I couldn 't walk upright and was scoring my pain on a 7 out of 10 scale . My BP was 168 / 102 and I was tachycardic at 126bpm ( take note , all you drug seekers : REAL pain produces physical symptoms ) . 2 mgs of dilaudid , one bag of saline and a CT scan later , the doc told me I had an inflamed duodenum consistent with peptic ulcer disease and a mild case of hepatomegaly that he thought was secondary to the duodenal inflammation . I got admitted , and here I am 48 hours later , still in the hospital . I might get to go home tomorrow , I might not . I don 't know yet . I DO know that I think it 's fucked up that this happened now . . . in the past 5 months I have taken better care of myself with diet and exerise than I have in many years , but now I get an ulcer ? Of course , the culprit is more than likely the NSAID 's I 've been taking since my shoulder surgeries , which leaves me in a bit of a pickle : I don 't want to take narcs , but can 't take NSAID 's because of the ulcer , and tylenol isn 't strong enough for me . I can 't manage every day with NO medications at all , but don 't want to be on narcotics either . So , what do I take ? I 'll have to ask the surgeon . I am also facing the prospect of life without coffee . That terrifies me . . . I 've been retelling war stories recently . I think all medics have them ; stories of patients who were funny , patients who were dumb as a bag of hammers , smart ass patients , drug seeking patients , Darwin Award candidates , big patients , little patients . . . . . It 's the little patients that have been bothering me . I can deal with adults all day long and not be too phased by it , but kids . . . they get to me . I have three stories to tell at some point . Right now , apart from the people who were at the scenes with me , there are two people who know what happened . . . and one of them won 't talk to me about it because they can 't handle it either and don 't care to talk about it . Most days I don 't think about it and it doesn 't bother me , but if I think about it too much the memory follows me around like a shadow that I can 't escape , no matter where I stand . This afternoon that shadow is particularly long and dark . My 12 year old son , Jake , plays the saxaphone . He 's a pretty talented player for a 12 year old and he really enjoys it . He started out with an alto sax and then decided to try tenor , which he really loves . He plays all kinds of music from classical to christmas carols to popular songs . Until this evening , his exposure to jazz was limited to the sheet music compliations his teacher gave him and the little that I 'd bribed him to try and listen to in the past . However , all that is about to change . . . . . HAS changed , really . I downloaded John Coltrane playing ' In A Sentimental Mood ' and played it for him . I swear that for a moment there I thought his head was going to explode ( and it wasn 't because he has a head cold ) . His eyes lit up , he grinned wide enough for me to see all his teeth , and he asked who was playing . . . . so I told him . I told him who John Coltrane was , what he did , why he was important . I played him some Miles Davis , and then I played him some Duke Ellington , explaining to him each time who they were , what their contribution to not just jazz but modern music in general was ( is ) . I said that I 'd download some more and put them on his mp3 player , and that if he really liked we could go see Miles Davis ' star on the St Louis Walk of Fame down in the Delmar Loop and see if we can 't find an authentic St Louis jazz show to go to . He did the little happy dance that he does when he 's really pleased and excited about something and said yeah , he 'd LOVE that , that it 'd be SWEET and when can we go ? Tomorrow ? The next day ? Can I download those songs overnight and can he listen to them on the way to school tomorrow ? Can he play them for his music and band teachers ? His joy . . . it has stunned me . It makes me incredibly happy and proud of him , and it 's enough to bring tears to my eyes . He might think that he 's on the cusp of adulthood , but tonight when I saw that childlike , innocent joy on his face when he heard Coltrane for the first time I was reminded that he is still a boy . A big boy , yes , but a boy all the same . My boy . MPosted by Yesterday , as I was jogging across the parking lot to WalMart ( yes , I sold my soul to the devil and went . I didn 't want to , but I knew they had the Caesar salad dressing with asiago cheese that I really like and can 't find anywhere else , so I went . Bite me if you don 't like it ) I had a brief but interesting conversation with a Short Fat Balding Black Dude in urine stained sweat pants and a dirty Rams hoodie : SFBBD : Hey ! How YOU doin ' ? Me ( looking behind me to see if there 's someone behind me ) : Errr . . . okay , thanks . SFBBD : When you gonna invite me to dinner ? Invite me to dinner sometime ! Me ( confused ) : Err . . . . . I 'm kinda busy , but . . . . . SFBBD : It 's Alex ! I 'm Alex ! Don 't forget ! Me : Umm . . . sure , I 'll try not to . . . . . SFBBD : Yeah ! Later ! * waves with both hands , walking backwards so he can keep looking at me * Me : Umm . . . . okay , then . Yeah dude , see ya later . . . . . * under my breath * not fucking likely , matey . Not if I can help it . Urbaner : D ' you know that guy ? Me : No ! I have no fucking clue who that dude is . . . . U : Man , he LIKES you ! YOU got yourself a new friend ! Aww ! Me : shut the fuck up before I kick you . . . . . Why is it always the freaks and drunks who hit on me ? Why can 't I get hit on by a sane , nice guy for once ? I believe . . . . . . that everyone has the right to live how they want to live and believe what they want to believe . Of course , there are conditions : you cannot and may not impose your manner of living and believing on anyone else who does NOT welcome it . I really don 't give a rat 's arse what you hold to be true or how you live your life as long as you 're not shoving it down my throat . I don 't do it to you , ergo I would prefer that you not do it to me . I don 't think I should be forced to finance your way of life , and I may ridicule or poke fun of you but I will defend your right to live and think the way you want . It 's called freedom , baby , and I 'm all about that . . . . that freedom to live how you want comes at a cost and that you 'd best be prepared to finance said cost yourself . Freedom ain 't free , baby , and sometimes it ain 't cheap either . . . . that love comes in many shapes and forms , some of which are illegal in certain states ( kidding . About the illegality thing , anyway ) . . . . that with regards to the bullet above , what pedophiles and those scumbags in NAMBLA call ' love ' isn 't LOVE , it 's a perverted kind of lust . And yes , THAT should be illegal . . . . that we should protect those members of society who cannot protect themselves . . . . in the power of human touch . I 'm a hand holder and a hugger . . . . . I just cannot stand to see a human being in pain and NOT touch them . Touch is a powerful thing , y ' all . Don 't underestimate it . . . . that when we die , that 's it . There is no more . Our bodies go back to the ground , and decay ( they 're supposed to , anyway . All this embalming nonsense makes it take a hell of a lot longer and we 're poisoning the ground from below ) and we become part of the food chain again . I want ( and this is in my will ) to be wrapped in a plain muslin shroud , placed in a biodegradable ( probably cardboard ) casket , placed on ice in my living room ( NOT PICKLED , TYVM ) and then buried in a simple hole in the ground . I want my kin and friends to plant a tree on top of me , and I 'm literally going to come back as a leaf . Or a twig . Posted by Urbaner and I went to see ' Marley And Me ' at the movies yesterday . I 'd read the book about a year ago , so I knew what was in store . I was slightly disappointed that some of what I thought were the significant parts of the book were left out of the film , but was overall really pleased with the adaptation . ' The Worst Dog In The World ' was funny where the book was funny and sad where the book was sad and even though I felt like the casting didn 't work all the time ( Aniston and Wilson are just TOO perfect , you know ? I wanted some flaws in the characters ; they 're not cookie cutters ) I was appreciative of what Jen and Owen did with them . I will say this , though : if you 're going to see it , make sure you have Kleenex handy . Plenty of Kleenex . You 're going to need them . At the end , all I could hear in the movie theater was sniffling and the rustling of napkins and Kleenex . . . . it was even coming from right next to me . And yes , I cried . I cried in the theater , I cried in the car , I cried in the pet store we went to right after the theater where we saw , upon entering , a dog that looked exactly like Marley standing at the register with his owners ( we had gone to the pet store to buy Grace and Noodle toys . We felt guilty , for some reason , and were trying to assuage our guilt ) . Even Urbaner cried , something that his sons refuse to believe . When I asked them why , they said " because he 's a man , and men don 't cry " . Urbaner stepped in with " No , I 'm a REAL man , and REAL men DO cry " . Some days he just amazes me . * EDIT * The kid 's name is Michael Nicewonder . So I 'm watching American Idol and there 's some kid from Nebraska on there ( why are the delusional ones always from Nebraska ? ) who looked - I swear on my mom 's life now - who looked like Lloyd from ' Dumb and Dumber ' , ' cept this kid 's hair was bleached a curious shade of banana yellow . He said he was there to prove his mama wrong , ' cause she said he couldn 't sing . He said he was going to sing an original song . As he opened his mouth and the first few notes came out , I could literally hear Mama Nicewonder 's voice in my head saying ' boy , you 're a damn FOOL ! I TOLD you you couldn 't sing , and here you gotta go make a fool outta yerself on NATIONAL TEE VEE ! ! ! ! ' It was horrible . So bad my toes curled up and I thought I might have to go poop . Truly a terrible noise . And you know what Simon Cowell did ? That ratfink basitd asked the guy if he had any more songs to sing , and when the kid said yes , he had one about his Gramma , Simon asked him to SING it . OH YES HE DID . HE HAD THAT BOY MAKE THAT HORRIBLE , TERRIBLE NOISE AGAIN . It made me have to run to go to the bathroom this time , and by the time I got back the noise had stopped and Banana Yellow Lloyd ( Michael ) was outside the audition room crying . I don 't know whether to feel bad for him or not . He 's delusional , clearly , and singing is NOT his forte . However , I do think that he may have a future with the US military as a frontline weapon ; he could go out with the infantry and they could wear ear protection as he sang . The enemy troops would all be running for the latrines , dropping trou and shitting where they stood or filling their drawers . Maybe all is not lost for Banana Yellow Lloyd ( Michael ) after all . . . . He was already in a cubicle when I arrived for my shift . I was at the end of EMT class and was doing the required clinical time in as many of the local Er 's as I could , doing as much as the staff would let me do . So , when the nurse I was assigned to shadow told me that the surgeon was coming down to see him and did I want to come into the room for the exam , I jumped at the chance . " He 's got his home health CNA with him " said Shelly , my nurse . " She 's the one who signed him in . She says he 's got a stage 3 decubitus ulcer on his buttock that 's leaking stool , so it looks like he 's going to be going to the OR . Hottie O ' Leary - the surgeon - is on his way down to take a look and see what he thinks needs to be done " " His chart says he 's 43 . . . so why does he have a home health CNA ? " I looked up from his chart . " He 's a paraplegic . Had a car accident 4 years ago and had a cord injury at T12 . He 's not a very happy ' plegic , either , he 's in here pretty regularly with decub 's that are infected . I guess ' sullen ' is the best word to describe him when he 's having a good day and ' a downright misery to be around ' is the politest phrase I can think to use when he 's having a bad one . . . . heads up , girl : Hottie O is checking out your bee - hind , hehehe " Hottie O was very aptly named , by the way . He looked more like an Irishman than some Dubliners I know and he was very good looking in a Celtic kind of way . " Shelly - belle ! My favorite ER nurse . . . . . and who might this be ? " he turned to face me , offering me his hand . " Hey Doc . I 'm NinjaMedic , but you can call me NinjaMedic " I took his hand and tried to give him my best ' I may be a girl but don 't fuck with me ' firm handshake . " NinjaMedic , huh ? I 'm not going to ask you how you got that moniker , but I 'm sure interested to find out , heheh . . . . . so , Shelly - belle , whatcha got for me this fine evening ? " " Ralphie 's back , Doc . With his home health ' nurse ' , this time . She says he 's got a decub on his rear that 's leaking stool . I haven 't had a chance to look at it yet ; you know how he can be . " She handed him RalphPosted by Hullo , people of teh intarwebz . Dis is Noods , and I haf camed to speak to yew again . Not very many strange fings have happened since teh last teim I camed to speak wif yew . Mostly it haz bean pretty boaring . But sum gud stuff happened . Wun reel gud fing wuz dat The Big Gug camed home . Mai Momma wuz reel reel happy when he camed home and she gaved him many kisses and hugs . He sed ' Ok , we have to stop . Things are happening and the kids are around ' a lot , and then him and Mai Momma wented upstairs to their room and shutted teh door and I heered Mai Momma laffing a lot when they wuz in dere . I listened outsied teh door , and after a little while she qwit laffing and it sounded like she had hurted herself a little bit . I wuz gonna wait to see if she wuz ok , but den The Big Guy sounded liek he had hurted HISself too so I gotted skeered and started saying fings liek ' is you ok , Mai Momma ? Does yew need you ambeelunce ? ' but The Big Guy said shuddup Noods and whas yew barking foar and I knewed they wuz alright and I wuzznd skeered no moar . After a bit they gotted into teh fing dey call a shower togevver , and when dey camed out of the room they bed wuz all messed up and it smelled reel interesting in dere . I doan know whut happened in there , but its been happening a LOT . Liek almost every day . I shore wud liek to know whut happens to maek mai momma and teh Big Guy laff and then get hurted all at teh same tiem like dat . Me and mai sister Grace had to stay in our room ALL day one day becuz our peoples wented to sum plaice called Indian Banana for sumfing called Kwistmuss . I didnt liek staying in mai room , but me and Grace both liek dis Kwistmuss bizness . We gotted pwesunts wif shiny papers on dem , and there was ALL kinds of gud fud for mai peoples to eat . . . and cuz dey got to eated it , me and Grace got to eated sum too . I liek dis Kwistmuss . I wished it wuz Kwistmuss ALL da tiem . After Kwistmuss mai people wented to sum plaice called Noo Yurr . Noo Yurr means they stayed up reel late , gotted up reel laet teh next dai and it gaved Posted by What with vertigo and hospice and not a lot of sleep mid - week , I forgot to tell y ' all about my appointment with Doc Bassman . I don 't have to go to physical therapy anymore . I have a decent range of motion ( I lost a few degrees , but that was supposed to happen . I needed a tighter joint , and that 's what I got ) and now it 's time to work on regaining the muscle strength I lost when I was confined to an immobilizer and sling for a total of 7 weeks . " Cool " I said " so , I can do push ups and pull ups now ? " The response , whilst it was polite , had undertones of not just NO but FUCK NO to it . Not unless I want to have my shoulder re - reconstructed , that is . I certainly don 't want that , so . . . . no push ups on the living room floor for me . Or pull ups on the bar across the doorway in the garage . Or dips off the edge of the coffee table . Not that I 've tried to do any of those things already , I 'm a good girl and I ALWAYS do exactly what my doctor tells me to do . Really . I do , honestly . Ahem . . . . so anyway , I was looking for those stretchy tubes that you can use to do resistance training , and found this thing called a ' Door Gym ' - it 's stretchy elastic cords and pulleys that you can hook up to a door and do all kinds of upper and lower body stuff with . I 'm doing bicep curls and triceps extensions and lateral rows and this punching exercise where you hold on to one of the cords and literally throw a punch . It feels pretty good - there 's enough resistance to make me work , but not so much that I feel like I 'm asking too much of my shoulder . I go back to see Doc Bassman on the 19th of February . Hopefully he 'll be more willing to let me start to do some calisthenics by then . Until that time , I 'm going to focus on cardio - running every other day ( although I took last week off and I 'm sure that the run I 'm fixing to go do when I get done with this article is going to kick my ass ) and riding either my own bike outside or the stationary bike at the gym . I 'm also going to start rucking on a regular basis . . . . I 'm loading my backpack up with 15 to Posted by More spelling fun from around the ' net . As usual , commentary in italics is mine . . . Car for sale : standered transmisson , cruese control , electronic suspentions . Applyences for sail : trash compacktor and frig , white . ( ' frig ' ? A masturbating icebox , perhaps ? ) Free fire would . ( fire would what , exactly ? ) Willsons black lather " coat " . ( A foamy coat ! I don 't know how well that would do in the rain ; could be kinda messy ) Book of Maps to help you get to youre distination earlyer ( Again with the your / you 're confusion . I don 't understand why it 's so difficult for people to understand . . . and I 'm not even going to get into the ' earlyer ' or ' distination ' ) ( from a craigslist dating ad ) : I am a attractive dominate man looking for a submiissive girl she has got to be as smart as me and in good shaep and real cut to but i need for her to be have some common intrusts as well as myself i have my own plaice and a car and a job and i need to share it with a submiissive girl who will does what shes told . ( Err . . . . ' as smart as me ' ? Jaysus , a fucking tree stump is as smart as you , Einstein , so that 's not too tall of an order . ) I DO HOME INPROVMANT WORK LIKE SIDDING / SOAFAITS / POWER WARSHING / FASHIA / WINDOWS PLEASE CALL FOR A QWOTE U WONT RUGRET HIREING ME KTHXBYE . ( Does it ever occur to anyone that when selling yourself or a service you provide , it MIGHT just be a good idea to spellcheck your ad BEFORE you post it ? Apparently not . . . ) Genuwine antique mahoggany table THIS IS THE REEL DEAL NOT NO FAKE SHIT . ( I don 't believe I 've ever seen a genuine ' mahoggany ' ANYthing before ) You know , having perused some ads in the paper and online today , I think I 'm going to have to devote a whole article to personal ads . . . ' cause some of the ones I 've seen today are real doozies ! Coming soon on TANMAND : ' When pore spelers dayt ' ! She had managed to stay at home for most of her illness , fighting hard and long and sacrificing physical comfort so she could be with her husband and their dog . " I 'm not afraid of pain " she 'd say " as long as I have Will and Boomer , I can manage anything " . The decision to move her to a hospital room was made after many days of pain so severe that I cannot even comprehend it . The PO medication our service physician had prescribed for her wasn 't even touching the pain she had , and the constant nausea and vomiting were making what life she had left an utter misery . We talked at length about what being admitted would mean . " But the visiting hours are SO restrictive , my Will won 't be able to come and see me whenever he wants . Boomer will be here alone and he 'll think I 've forgotten him " . Tears pooled in the corners of her eyes " it 's bad enough that I have to leave him ; I can 't bear him thinking that I 've rejected him " . " Miss Ellie " I said " Will can come and be with you as much as he likes . He can even sleep there . . . . I 'll talk to the ward nurses and we 'll make sure that he 's given as much time with you as he wants . And , if any of them complains or gives you a hard time about it , I 'll personally go whup their nursey butts " . She tried to giggle , but the giggle morphed into a grimace as another wave of pain washed over her now emaciated body . I think that 's the hardest part of watching someone die - seeing the physical changes that happen as a disease process takes it 's toll on them . I can 't imagine how it must feel to actually BE in the body that 's being ravaged . She knew that we couldn 't arrange for Boomer , their Australian shepherd / Collie cross to come stay at the hospital with her , so she said her goodbye to him before the ambulance service came to transport her . It was incredibly emotional and I cried unashamedly as I watched her run her hands through his fur for what she knew would be the last time . " Be a good boy for Will , now . Remember he doesn 't speak woofer - ese , so you can 't just stand in front of the fridge and baPosted by I am fit to be tied , y ' all . Madder than the proverbial wet hen . Why , you ask ? ( hey , I know you didn 't ask , but it 's my blog so I 'm going to tell you ) That motherfucking child rapist had the fucking AUDACITY to give Urbaner 's cell number to a PI his attorney hired and told them to call Urbie for a character reference . That MOTHERFUCKER . Couldn 't even call Urbie himself and say ' hey man , will you do this for me ? Is it cool with you that I give out your number to my defense attorney and will you tell him I 'm a good dude ? ' No , he 's too much of a lying scrote to do that . That would require some HONESTY , a concept he 's entirely unfamiliar with . That slimy douchebag has the fucking cojones to just assume that because Urbie worked with him ( and almost got fucked over by him , but that 's a different story ) , he 's on his ' side ' . And you know what else is pissing me off ? Urbie is actually considering talking to this PI . Says he wants to see what he has to say , see what kind of questions he 's going to ask . I can sort of understand his curiosity ; he was like a brother to this guy when they worked together ( albeit a brother who got talked a lot of shit about . ) and I honestly think he 's having a hard time believing the whole thing . But this PI is working for the DEFENSE . He 's not likely to be exactly forthcoming with negative and / or privileged information . And , if Urbie DOES talk , he runs the risk of getting subpoenaed and having to go all the fucking way up there to testify at trial . That 's not only a pain in the ass , it 's going to mean that HE will be on record as having testified on behalf of a fucking child rapist ; a man who systematically raped and used his daughter for his own sexual gratification . I 'm not even going to bother with any ' allegedly ' disclaimers here - he got fucking extradited from one state to another and has been in pre - trial confinement for months . That doesn 't happen without some damn good evidence to back up the allegations . Of course , the one time we DID talk to the lying sack of shite , he claimed he was innocPosted by I ADORE kale . The green , curly leafy stuff you find between the mustard greens , swiss chard and the leeks in your grocers produce section . . . . looks kinda like savoy cabbage leaves , but much darker . It tastes yummy and is really good for you too . The problem is finding ways to cook it . It 's too tough for use in salads and doesn 't lend itself well to being boiled . Most of the time , I use it in stir fry recipes , but even those got old of late . Today , I decided to try something a little different with it . I baked it . Drizzled it with a little cider apple / virgin olive oil vinegrette and shoved it in the oven for half an hour . The result : crispy kale . It came out crunchy , but light , and with a little salt on it it was dee - lisshh ! Even my ' lings ate it ! NM 's Deelish crispy kaleI bunch of kale2tbsp olive oil2 tsp cider vinegarsalt , to taste . Heat your oven to 350 degrees and make sure you 've got one of the racks at the lowest setting . Whilst your oven is heating , wash and de - stalk your kale - I treat mine like the stalks are the spine of a book , and I bend the leaves backwards like I 'm bending the pages of the book the wrong way . The leaves usually come right off . Once you 've got your leaves off , blot them dry with a paper towel and spread them out on a cookie sheet or on the bottom of a baking pan . Mix the olive oil and vinegar well , and drizzle it over the kale , tossing the leaves with your hand to coat thoroughly . Put on the bottom rack of the oven and bake for 10 or 15 mins , then take it out , toss the kale again and back once more for about 5 more mins or until all your kale is crispy . Once it 's nice and crispy , remove from the oven and sprinkle with salt ( I use sea salt ) to taste . Be careful , you won 't need a lot ! Enjoy ! . . . I have labrynthitis . I started having tinnitus this afternoon , which is another symptom common to the condition , and it kinda sealed the deal . The doc seemed really sure that 's what it was , but until the tinnitus came on I harbored doubts . Now I 'm sure that 's what it is . Meclizine , Tigran and rest are what I 've been prescribed , and I have to say the Meclizine helps a lot . Apparently I 'm walking like I 'm a sailor and I feel like I used to when I got really drunk and got the spins . Urbaner had to drive me home from the clinic today and had to keep grabbing my arm to guide me back on course when I started in on my drunken stumble . I had to cancel my ortho surgeon 's appointment this afternoon because I couldn 't drive there myself and reschedule it for Thursday morning . Hopefully I 'll be ok to drive by then . In short , vertigo sucks . I woke up in the night and had to pee , and about fell off the toilet seat because I was unbalanced . I figured it was because I was half asleep and went back to bed . . . but not to sleep . I have vertigo . Not dizziness or lightheadedness , but vertio - a very distinct sense of motion where there is none . It 's there all the time to a degree ( I haven 't felt ' right ' since last night ) but sometimes it gets worse and makes me vomit . I have a hard time walking straight and turning my head right or left seems to make it worse . I haven 't had any cold symptoms , tinnitus , or hearing loss . I can make my ears pop when I try Valsalva 's Maneuver and there 's no pain . My BP is 120 / 72 , my pulse is in the 90 's , respers at 18 . My left pupil is larger than the right ( I can 't measure accurately ) and is slower to respond to light . Urbaner says I have nystagmus ( he 's trained to administer field sobriety tests and know what nystagmus looks like ) . I don 't know if I have labrynthitis or what the fuck is going on . I do know that I 'm seeing my doc at 0920 this morning , because this aint right . Anyone got any ideas ? I stole this from Matt G , who I admire greatly ( although he doesn 't know it and has no clue who I am ) . I didn 't realize I 've eaten so much stuff . . . . Feel free to play along ! 1 ) Copy this list into your blog or journal , including these instructions . 2 ) Bold all the items you 've eaten . 3 ) Cross out any items that you would never consider eating . 4 ) Optional extra : Post a comment here at http : / / www . verygoodtaste . co . uk / linking to your results1 . Venison2 . Nettle teas3 . Huevos rancheros4 . Steak tartare5 . Crocodile ( I ate alligator on more than one occasion . Does that count ? 6 . Black pudding ( I grew up in England , and it 's not as bad as everyone thinks it is . Rather nice , actually ) 7 . Cheese fondue8 . Carp9 . Borscht10 . Baba ghanoush11 . Calamari12 . Pho13 . PB & J sandwich14 . Aloo gobi15 . Hot dog from a street cart ' Dirty Water Dog ' from a street vendor in Manhattan . Nothing like it in the whole world ) 16 . Epoisses17 . Black truffle 18 . Fruit wine ( my dad was an amateur winemaker . I 've been drinking wine since I was 5 or 6 ) 19 . Steamed pork buns20 . Pistachio ice cream21 . Heirloom tomatoes22 . Fresh wild berries ( right off the bush in the English countryside . Delish ) 23 . Foie Gras ( yes , and it 's yummy ) 24 . Rice and beans ( when I was down south this summer I ate some butter beans and rice that were the BEST I 'd ever eaten . EVER ) 25 . Brawn ( my parents and grandparents were country folk who lived through WWII and WWI ; they knew how to make something out of almost nothing . I recall walking into granny 's kitchen when I was a kid and lifting the lid of a pot on the stove , only to see a whole hog 's head simmering away in there . Ick ) 26 . Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper27 . Dulce de leche28 . Oysters29 . Baklava30 . Bagna cauda31 . Wasabi peas32 . Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl33 . Salted lassi34 . Sauerkraut35 . Root beer float36 . Cognac with a fat cigar ( yes , with a group of high ranking AF fliers many years ago . They knew their cognac and tobacco . . . . and has huge egos to boot ) 37 . Clotted cream tea ( Matt , it 's not what you think . It 's a fresh scone , still warm Posted by Urbaner , the ' lings and I went out for lunch today . Nowhere very exciting , just Golden Corral - we have four meat eaters and a vegetarian , so a buffet style lets everyone eat what they like and want . We sat at two tables ; the ' lings at one and Urbie and I at the other . They were off scouting for food and I was in the middle of a nice salad - actually , I had a cherry tomato in my mouth - when Urbaner looks up at me and with a very stoic expression on his face and says " So , how about a blowjob ? " He 's had to do the Heimlich on me once before ( chunk of chicken breast that went down the wrong way ) and he very nearly had to do it again . ( And , no , he didn 't get what he asked for . Yet , anyway . . . . )
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Vicki and I hiked the Pacific Crest Trail ( PCT ) from Route 74 in Anza to Humber Park in Idyllwild ( PCT mile 152 to 179 ) on Memorial Day Weekend in 2013 . It was a 30 mile hike which took us four days and three nights . On this particular hike , the location of water sources plays a huge role , so our original plan was to hike three easy five mile days and a grueling fifteen mile day , camping at Live Oak Spring , Cedar Spring , and Apache Spring . But weather concerns ( and an offer to give a friend , Hikin ' Jim , a lift back to his car ) made us change the hike to a ten - five - ten - five miler , thus skipping Live Oak Spring entirely , and sleeping the final night away from water ( meaning that we had to carry more water with us on that ten mile day ) . And that 's what we did . As you look at the photos , you 'll see that the PCT lives up to its name , as we stayed on or near the crest of the San Jacinto massif the entire time . Lots of climbing , but also lots and lots of views . That 's what the PCT is all about . The early part of the hike climbs up out of the high desert , and the vegetation is mostly scrubby chaparral with patches of oaks and the occasional pine tree . It was fairly hot in the sun , so we hiked slowly and took rests . The later part of the hike was at a much higher elevation , with more oaks and pine forest , and the climbing made us hot , so we hiked slowly and took rests . This seems to be our hiking style , I 'm afraid : Slow and restful . But at least it leaves plenty of time to take pictures ! Our son helped us out by driving along with us . We left our car at the terminus in Idyllwild and then he drove us back to the trailhead and dropped us off with only our packs . At that point we basically had no choice but to hike the entire thirty miles if we ever wanted to see our car again ! The first part of the day 's hike was to travel through Penrod Canyon , eventually attaining the Pacific Crest itself . This part of the the trail went up and down quite a bit , avoiding private property and inconvenient hilltops , until the final stretch when it ascended continuously to the saddle on the crest . It was hot out there in the sun , and we took advantage of any shade we could find . Not far beyond the saddle was the trail to Live Oak Spring . The spring itself was nearly a mile ( plus a 500 foot elevation drop ) down a side - trail , and that was where we had originally planned to stay the night ( on the 5 - 5 - 5 - 15 mile plan ) . This was less than optimal , but we were at the point where the big decision had to be made . I really wanted to push on to Cedar Spring ( the 10 - 5 - 10 - 5 mile plan ) . Vicki was exhausted , so she didn 't want to hike another five miles , but she also didn 't want to lose 500 feet of her hard - won elevation gain . We decided , since it was about one o ' clock in the afternoon , that we would have lunch and a rest , and see how we felt afterward . In other words , we made a decision not to make a decision . Great . After a relaxing nap , Vicki decided that she might be able to make it to Cedar Spring after all . At least she 'd try . And what more could I ask for ? So we shouldered our packs and climbed on . For the next five miles we would be hiking right along the Pacific Crest , so the views were continuously excellent . I took lots of pictures . At times we would have great views east into the desert of the Coachella Valley , and at other times we 'd be looking west , or north , or south . It was beautiful . We passed by a number of individual peaks that were protruding from this twenty - mile - long ridge . If we had had more energy , or more time , or more desire to bag peaks , we would have climbed them . As it was , we were happy that the trail stayed below their summits , conveniently traversing around them . The wind was strong up there on the ridge , and had been getting stronger all afternoon . By the time we reached the trail to Cedar Spring , Vicki was exhausted . We took off our packs by a lovely bench protected by some hardy oak trees , and contemplated where we wanted to camp . Judging by Vicki 's condition , I wanted to camp right there , but technically it was too close to the trail ( OK , I 'll admit that it was practically ON the trail ) . Vicki didn 't want to hike another mile ( losing 300 feet of elevation ) , but she wouldn 't break any rules . Plus , the wind would have made for a miserable night 's sleep . So we compromised by hiking down the trail to Cedar Spring , looking for any possible camping spot along the way . And we found one , about a third of a mile down the path . It had a bit more slope than we preferred , but it was protected from the wind by some oaks , and was just far enough off the trail to be legal . We set up camp , Vicki took a nap in the tent , and I checked out our water supply . It was low . We had enough water for dinner , but not breakfast . So we decided to stay where we were . We 'd get up early the next morning and worry about water . After her nap , Vicki cooked some dinner , then we ate it and fell sound asleep . It had been a very long day . We woke at the crack of dawn . We packed our breakfast , the cooking gear , the water filter , and all of our water containers in my empty backpack . Our plan was to hike down to the spring , eat breakfast there , fill up on water , and then come back and break camp . Cedar Spring was a truly beautiful spot , with many places to camp , and huge cedar trees all around . I was wishing that we had camped there , but I didn 't say anything about it to Vicki . She would not have been amused . But she sure did love those giant cedars at the spring . We filtered some water , then retired to an empty campsite to cook breakfast . We spoke with a few other PCT hikers who were just waking up , and generally enjoyed our morning meal . We were in no rush , as we only had five miles to hike that day . All that work the day before was about to pay off . We went back to our camp and got ready to go . Then we hiked along the PCT , refreshed and happy . At first we hiked through more of the shadeless chaparral , but eventually the trail climbed high enough to enter patchy forest zones with pines and oaks and oh - so - glorious shade . It was early afternoon when we reached Fobes Saddle , our destination for the day . As is typical , the wind was blowing full blast at the saddle ( venturi effect ) . The chaparral was tall , beyond head height , and somebody had created small pockets that were clear of brush , perfect for campsites . We found one of these , nicely sheltered from the wind , and set up camp . We left a note for Hikin ' Jim on the trail sign , then headed down to the spring at Fobes Ranch to filter as much water as we could carry . It was nice and peaceful down there , with no wind . We wished we would have camped there , except for the fact that we 'd have to climb back up to Fobes Saddle with full packs in the morning . That was not part of our plan , as we had a very long day planned for the morrow , and every foot of elevation gained now would be important . When we got back , we rested in the tent , and then heard some voices nearby over the sound of the wind . It was Hikin ' Jim ! We ran out of the tent to say hello , and to meet his hiking partners Will and Kevin . They had spent the last two days bagging all of those nearby peaks that we had been avoiding . Nice job ! They looked around at the campsites at the saddle , but decided in the end to simply hike down to the spring with all their gear . We bid them goodbye , and we agreed to meet tomorrow at the water cache on Apple Saddle where our trail angel Hal had left three gallons of water for us . Unless they passed us first , of course . All that was left after that was eating dinner and getting to bed early . We planned to wake up at the barest crack of dawn in the morning , in order to get the climb out of Fobes Saddle over with while it was still cool . All that rest proved fruitful , and we woke up super early . We ate breakfast and packed up our gear before the sun had risen , which was almost a new record for us . Then we started hiking uphill toward Spitler Peak . Once again , the PCT was kind enough to get close to the summit and then traverse alongside it . Those who wanted to bag the peak ( like Hikin ' Jim et . al . ) would have an easier time of it , and those who were lazier ( like ourselves ) could enjoy most of the views without all of the effort . We made good time in the cool weather , and Vicki still had plenty of energy left as we passed Spitler Peak and headed onward to Apache Peak . The ridge , or saddle , between Spitler and Apache was excellent , as the trail wound along directly on the crest . There were views in all directions from this prime location , and we took many photos . Soon the next phase of the hike began : Climbing up and around Apache Peak . This mountain had two summits ( one being the " true " summit ) , but we didn 't visit either . There were no large trees here , except old dead trunks , as this peak had burned back in 2007 . We took a rest here , and ate some snack . There were fine views all around . We passed the sign for the side trail down to Apache Spring , on which a paper note was pinned which stated " No Water " . No water ! This was quite a shocker to us , as we had originally planned to camp here on our third night ! We were mighty glad that we had changed our plans and hiked the extra distance on our first day . The PCT Water Report had mentioned that the water was low , and that it had a sulfurous taste , but not that it was dry . Let that be a lesson to anyone who hikes the Pacific Crest Trail in Southern California ! The trail then traversed around the east side of Apache Peak , where we were treated with fine views off into the desert . We also discovered a small stand of pines which hadn 't burned in the previous fire . It was nice to stop in their shade , as it was getting rather hot in the sun by this point . We hiked onward toward Apple Saddle , which was wooded and shady . We discovered the hiding spot behind a fallen tree where our benefactor Hal Summers had left three gallons of water for us . Hallelujah ! He had carried them up there partly for exercise , but mainly to help us , as there was a short day - hiking trail climbing up to the saddle from the west . Then Vicki found a comfy spot to take a nap . Too bad for Vicki that someone else had already used it to take a dump ! And didn 't bury it ! Disgusting ! Vicki ended up with a foul smelling bandanna ( and some of her clothing ! ) and never did get any sleeping time . Sad but true . Of course , this was partly because Hikin ' Jim and his buds showed up . We decided to have some lunch together . They told us about their bushwhacking and peak bagging escapades , making us glad that we hadn 't bothered . That was hard work ! Then we split the three gallons of water between us . This was one of those rare times when making ones pack heavier is a wonderful thing . The trail stayed level as we traversed to the east of Antsell Rock , but soon enough it began to climb in earnest . We had to gain the crest once more , and there was only one way to do it : Switchbacks . On the first half of our hike we had climbed over 1400 feet only to descend back down 600 or so to Apple Saddle . Now we had another 1200 feet to climb to reach our campsite at PCT mile 175 . Vicki would not have been amused , had I told her how much climbing we had in store . She really doesn 't like the " UP " word . She only knew that it climbed on and on and on . But I was perfectly happy with the trail , as the views were truly incredible . This was the prettiest section of trail thus far , and I took way too many pictures , as usual . The only way to keep Vicki moving , as we had discovered on previous hikes , was to let her take naps every so often . The problem with this plan was that she , herself , never really knew when she needed one . She would be hiking along , her body slowly depleting itself of energy , until she became a walking zombie . She kept moving only because she didn 't realize that she could ( or should ) stop for a rest . It was Willpower , of a sort . It was my job to notice this zombification effect , and to act on it . That 's when I would keep my eye out for a nice place to stop , preferably with a view . Then Vicki would lie down and sleep for about twenty minutes or so . This was usually enough time to recharge her batteries . If she wasn 't totally exhausted I would get her to eat something , typically some starchy salty snack , prior to sleeping , so that the nutrients had a chance to work their magic . Then we 'd start the process all over again . As the day wore on , the intervals between naps grew shorter , because , let 's face it , a short rest can only do so much . Soon enough we were climbing up the ridgeline to South Peak , higher than we 'd ever been this entire trip . The chaparral was long gone at this altitude . We were entering the zone of pine forest . And the trail was beautiful , with views alternating between east and west as we switchbacked up the mountainside . The trail to South Peak seemed to take forever , as it alternated from east to west . Along the way we 'd passed a full backpack just off the trail , on a pleasant spot with a nice view . We were wondering whose it was , but we left it alone . We stopped there and got out the stove . Vicki was in need of sustenance . We cooked up some ramen noodles and she ate them while I ate some chips and read my book . It was a great place to rest . All too soon we had to keep climbing . The afternoon was waning , and the shadows were getting long . Eventually we made it to the point where the path traversed around South Peak , just shy of the summit . We were in no condition to climb the final 200 feet to the top ; we 'd leave that for Hikin ' Jim and his cohorts . Hiking along the east side , Vicki was grateful to finally be in the cool shade . We descended a small amount to the sharp ridgeline connecting South Peak and Red Tahquitz . The original trail builders did a fantastic job here , as we hiked on a path which had obviously been blasted out of solid granite . There were steep drop - offs to either side , and the afternoon breeze was blowing strong , onshore toward the desert . We wondered what it would be like to be a tree in wintertime on this lonely exposed ridge . We took yet another rest / nap just beyond the windy section . We had nearly two miles to go , and another 700 feet to climb , and the afternoon was drawing toward evening . I was getting a bit nervous , but there was no rushing an exhausted Vicki . Vicki really wanted to camp right here , but it was absolutely impossible , as the only flat spot was directly on the trail , and it would only fit one of us . So I reconciled myself to a possible night hike . We had our headlamps , so we would be OK . When Vicki woke up , I also added her water and her pack 's top section to my pack . My pack became brutally heavy , but I didn 't care , as long as Vicki could continue hiking . We hiked onward slowly . This was one of the longest two miles we 'd ever hiked . Even naps couldn 't prevent Vicki from becoming a zombie . But on she hiked , slower and slower , as the distance between her steps became shorter and shorter . When my GPS informed me that the campsite was a less than a half mile ahead , I told Vicki that I would be back soon , and hiked rapidly onward . I have long legs , and I can cover some serious distance when I want to . And that 's what I did . I found the campsite , a wonderful spot with expansive views , big trees , and soft , deep sand . I dropped my pack and hustled back down the trail to Vicki . She was still hiking , but very slowly . She was more than happy to let me carry her pack on this last steep uphill section . She made much better time after that , and we arrived in camp just before sunset . Hooray ! Vicki collapsed on the sand as I set up the tent . She was toast . I blew up the air mattresses and deployed the sleeping bag , then coaxed Vicki into the tent . If anyone deserved a nap on this trail it was Vicki . I got out the stove and boiled some water for dinner . Thanks to Hal , we had plenty , enough for breakfast the next morning as well , and a bit more to get us on to the next water source in the Tahquitz Valley . We ate dinner as the sun went down and we retired into our tent . It was great to have a full stomach after a long day of hiking , knowing that tomorrow would be a much easier day . I was reading in bed by headlamp when I heard some footsteps on the trail . Someone was hiking in the dark ! " Hello ! " I said , my voice loud in the quiet night . " John ? " a voice replied . It was Hikin ' Jim ! We thought he was ahead of us ! It must have been his pack we 'd found earlier . But what about his partners ? I put on extra clothes and boots and went out to see him . It turned out that Will and Kevin had continued onward to the Tahquitz Valley , while Jim stopped to bag Antsell Rock , a difficult climb that had taken him far longer than he 'd anticipated . But he 'd hiked long enough for one day . He found a nice spot for a bivouac , and set up his simple camp . We talked while he ate some food , and I gave him some of our water , as he 'd been travelling light . And then we went to sleep . We woke the next day before the crack of dawn . We wanted to get moving , to get some more water and get back to civilization . There were eggs and cheese and chips and hamburgers and other wonderfully salty things to eat out there . We ate breakfast , then packed up our gear and got ready to go . We still had over six miles to hike , so we wanted to get moving . Luckily , most of it was downhill , especially the final 2000 feet down to the car , but we also knew that the highest point of the trail was yet to come . The trail led us up and over the ridge and down into the Tahquitz Valley , a wide area filled with giant pines and meadows . Amazingly enough , we beat Hikin ' Jim to the campsite where Kevin and Will had spent the night . But this was mainly due to the fact that he 's extremely sociable and had stopped to chat with another hiker we 'd met . They were relieved to know that Jim was all right , and would be arriving soon . In fact , they had been thinking about how much longer they should wait before heading back to search for him . And they weren 't surprised at all that he 'd stopped to talk up a storm . They were used to that behavior ! Vicki and I filtered some water from the nearby stream and hiked onward . The other three intended to take the shortest path back to Saddle Juntion , but Vicki and I wanted to stay on the PCT the entire way . Unfortunately for Vicki , this meant hiking uphill toward the intersection with the Tahquitz Peak trail , for about 400 feet of elevation gain . The views from there , however , were well worth it . We were able to see down toward Idyllwild , where our car was parked . We saw Lily Rock below us , Suicide Rock across the valley , and were able to view the big peaks to the north , Marion Mountain and San Jacinto Peak , both of which are above 10 , 000 feet . After a nice nap at the high point , it was time to get the big descent underway . We traveled through the tall pine country on our way to Saddle Junction , where we planned to leave the PCT . We 'd be taking the Devil 's Slide Trail down to Humber Park in Idyllwild . Our car was parked down there , waiting patiently for us to arrive . After a brief rest at the saddle , with our boots off to dry out our socks and cool off our feet , we tightened up the laces to prepare for some serious downhill . Lots of switchbacks on that trail , which wound back and forth across an extremely steep slope . There were several excellent viewpoints along the way , and we took advantage of them , remembering other hikes we 'd taken in this beautiful wilderness area . When we made it to the car only Hikin ' Jim was there . His two partners had gotten rides down into Idyllwild with some other hikers they 'd met . The plan was that we would all meet at the Cafe Aroma and have some lunch . But when we got to the cafe , his friends were gone ! They must have gotten confused . Meanwhile , none of them had turned on their cell phones . So we gave up on that idea and the three of us had lunch together . I had a big cheesy omelette and Jim ordered " whichever item has the most calories " which turned out to be some sort of chile cheese platter with hotdogs . After that , we drove Jim back toward the trailhead on Highway 74 and dropped him off at Hal 's uncle 's house , where he 'd left his car . He 'd head back to Idyllwild and find his friends by himself . We bid him a fond goodbye and drove home , tired but happy . All in all , it had been an excellent hike on one of the most beautiful stretches of the PCT in Southern California . Highly recommended . But if / when I do it again , I think that we might start at the higher end instead , for a net downhill hike . We 'll still have a restful hike , but maybe not as slow .
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Having 3 older sisters means there 's lots of pink girly stuff around here . Poor Peter . He doesn 't seem to mind too much , as he plays with a little bit of everything , and the girls don 't have all girly toys . There 's plenty of gender - neutral toys to play with around here . Plus it helps to have a papa that likes toy cars , so there 's definitely lots of those for Peter to claim as his own . Peter likes a certain set of cars , always playing with those and screaming his little head off when one of his sisters take one away . He is using the front of his shirt as a carryall and that just won 't do ! I gave him a basket , but that gets turned into a hat or thrown at one of his sisters . I tried a small plastic bin which gets turned into a step for reaching higher - up stuff he isn 't supposed to get into . Plastic bags are out - - suffocation risks . So I had to come up with something - - his sisters all have bags made by me , in flowery or satin - y fabrics , so why not make something for him ? I came up with : A monster bag ! ! He loves monsters and dinosaurs so it seemed natural to make something with scales and pointy teeth ! In go the cars . . . All buttoned up ! A cute bag for a cute little boy ! He refused to pose for me , so I asked big sister Evelyn to model the bag for me . I am thinking of making a few more for other little boys I know ! Here 's a picture of that humped - back rooster I have . He wasn 't born this way , I have no idea how he came to be like this , but he functions well and I 've caught him chasing after a hen and successfully mounting her . So other than being picked on by the other chickens , he seems to be alright . Here 's a top view to see how his head is almost where his shoulder should be . He can 't straighten out his neck , and when I move my hand to his right , he can 't see me and gets startled when he realizes I 'm so close . He usually hangs out on the fringes of the group , or I catch him alone by the house , watching the other chickens . I feel bad for him sometimes , but what can I do ? He 's destined for the cook pot one of these days . 5 roosters are too many and I only plan to keep my top rooster , so 4 have to go . Check out the teeny , tiny chicken egg ! If I didn 't pick it up out of the chicken coop myself , I would have sworn it was some other bird 's egg . Be interesting to crack it and see how small the yolk is ! My Buff chicken is still sitting on her eggs . I candled one of her eggs and I saw a dark mass , larger than a yolk . I hope that wasn 't my imagination . Kind of hard to candle brown eggs , the shell is dark and some shells are thicker than white ones . I expect baby chicks in less than 2 weeks , so I need to set up a temporary pen for mama and her babies . May have to set up a more permanent one , since it 's still cold here and I don 't want the babies to die of exposure . It 's something I 've been meaning to do anyway , but I hoped to do it later when it was warmer . Well , it 's March next week , so Spring can 't be too far off . As expected , we have a blanket of snow covering the ground . Good - bye pretty Spring - like temperatures , welcome back cold weather ! The chickens aren 't happy about that . Makes it harder for the girls to avoid the horny roosters . Time to sharpen the axe next time it warms up again . The house is nice and warm , thanks to the recent splitting of wood by Andrew . Funny how when one is down to the last of the wood , the cold becomes acceptable , but when one knows there is wood to be burned , the shivering becomes unbearable . A Buff hen has been sitting on eggs for about 10 days now . I 've numbered 6 eggs , made sure they were all rounded and not pointy and check her frequently to make sure she is still setting on them . I read somewhere that rounded eggs are more likely to be female and the pointy ones tend to be male . I 'm testing that theory and hoping for more hens not roosters . I 've discovered my yeast has gone bad . I made roast beef tonight and was going to pair it with french bread - yum ! While letting it rest for an hour to rise , I noticed there was hardly any air in the dough . I kneaded it again and shaped it , hoped for the best and let it rest again , but no go . I baked it anyway , figuring I can at least chop it up for the chickens if it 's too dense . It rose a little bit in the oven , but yeah , it 's going to the chickens in the morning . No more bulk purchases of yeast for me - - I don 't bake bread often enough to use it up fast enough . I 've recently discovered Lindt chocolate truffles . What have I been missing ? ! ? I snagged a bunch of them on clearance after Valentine 's day and each one is a bite of heaven ! Even the dark chocolate ones are yummy , but my favorite is the white chocolate with bits of cocoa studded in the shell . Has anyone seen the A - Team movie ? How amazing is it that Liam Neeson looks like George Peppard ? ? I never would have picked Liam to play George , but he pulled it off ! I used to watch the TV show with my Dad back in the 80s . Might have to get the series on DVD . . . Any Coca - Cola drinkers out there ? Did you know if yjenny Our stash of firewood for the winter was pitiful . I hoped it would be enough , but I knew , deep inside , it would not . We only had a fire on days that were really cold , cold enough to make one cold even while wearing several layers of clothing ; when even the little electric space heaters couldn 't beat back the cold ; when even having the oven on and the door open still made barely a rise in the thermometer in the kitchen . We tried to make the wood last , scrounging the iffy bits with soft ends that started to rot , using every last little bit from the bottom of the pile . Andrew would rush home at 4 : 30 in the afternoon and squeeze out some splitting in the last hour of daylight . He would get up early before work and trudge out to the woods on snow - free days and cut trees the tree cutters felled and left behind for us . He would have just enough time to load and unload the truck before having to get cleaned up and go to work at 2 : 30 . Working rotating shifts make it hard to schedule things , adding in family duties , errands and other chores . A couple years ago , someone bought the land next to us and built a pallet factory . The power company came through to install power lines and asked us permission to cut down trees on our land to make room . As long as they left the wood , they were welcome to do what they had to do . When they were gone , we surveyed what was left and we were warmed at the sight of huge logs that would need cutting and splitting . Much too big for Andrew 's saw , but we cut what we could here and there , big limbs and the smaller trees , when we could get the kids settled for an hour or two . A few days ago , Andrew was out there , and saw that someone had cut and taken some wood . He was furious ! That 's our wood , for us ! It might have been different if someone knocked on our door and asked permission , but to come onto our land , cut and take it without asking ? ! He fumed and could not concentrate , thinking about that wood . He posted ' No Trespassing ' signs directly onto the logs themselves . Yesterday , outdoor temperaturesPosted by Valentine 's Day has come and gone , but that doesn 't mean we stop celebrating Love . Andrew and I often say that " everyday is Valentine 's day ! " We make it a point to always say " I love you " to each other , to always kiss before leaving , and to talk before falling asleep . It helps keep our marriage strong . If one of us takes off our wedding ring , the other proposes to put it back on . Every time . If Andrew is at work , I 'll wait until he gets back home . It may sound silly , but I get proposed to at least once a week . The fact that he still asks me to marry him after nearly 13 years , 4 kids , and some xx pounds later , tells me he still loves me and wants to spend his life with me . The fact that I still say " yes " tells him the same . Somewhere , I once read that men and women should always treat each other as if they are still dating . In other words , to always court each other . I think I would find that exhausting . I simply don 't want to dress myself up in tight jeans and cleavage - baring tops , and always be on my best flirtatious behavior . I do have children to care for and a house to manage and a homestead to run . But I see the point of courting each other , to let the other know that they are still a " catch " and one still desires the other . I 've also heard , and have been guilty of saying , " I 've got him , I can let everything go now . " I might have said it , but I didn 't really mean it . In letting everything go , one stops taking care of oneself , stops dressing with care , stops caring about anything to do with appearances . I might wear my hole - y and stained clothes around the house , but when I go out , I make sure to dress nicer . If Andrew and I get a moment alone to run out , we usually dress in our better clothes for each other , changing from our ' house clothes ' to ' going - out ' clothes . Andrew works a kiosk at the mall and he sees plenty of examples of people who have ' let themselves go ' . He comes home telling me about sloppily - clothed people - - plump girls wearing tops that are 3 - sizes too small ; big men waddling in sweat pants , thePosted by Aunt Flo is in town and all I wanna do is lie down and curl up into a ball and go to sleep . Never mind I have 4 littles to take care of . Never mind one of them is screaming his / her head off and it sounds like I have a herd of elephants thundering up and down the hall . At this point of Aunt Flo 's visit , which is day 4 , I am physically exhausted from the constant barrage of back pain , cramping , and blood loss . Add to that the seemingly never - ending yelling and bickering between the kids and Peter 's grating screaming and I am mentally exhausted from playing referee . I am ready for menopause , please . If it weren 't so cold and the ground was not coated in slippery ice , I 'd send the kids outside to scream all they want . How can I be an effective Mama when I am yelling at the kids to stop yelling ? I had library movies due today . After Andrew got back from an appointment , I went out to drop them off and make a few stops . I locked the keys in the car and had a couple dizzy spells from skipping lunch and not fueling my body while Aunt Flo is visiting . Andrew rescued me . Lucky for me he was off today and not at work . I should have stayed in bed this morning . I think dinner will be one of those quickie frozen meals I got so cheaply last week . Time to also break out one of the new DVD movies we keep on hand to surprise the kids . Mama needs to spend some quality time with the bed . - I count myself lucky everyday when I wake and see my husband 's handsome face . I could get lost in those blue eyes of his and only he could make crow 's feet look sexy ! I feel my heart just bursting with love when he looks at me and tells me he loves me . ~ sigh ~ It doesn 't help when he wears this particular shirt and hat - - he looks extra yummy . I call the shirt my pitty - pat shirt , because it makes my heart go all pitty - patty ! Excuse me while I go find Andrew and give him a kiss . . . - I had an extremely good shopping trip at the food and drug stores recently and I just have to share ! But first , I wanted to explain something for those of you not familiar with couponing and the area where I live : We live in the mountains and the closest ' big ' food store is Food Lion 18 miles away . That 's also where CVS and Rite Aid are located . Other big food stores are in a larger town 45 minutes away and if I go there , I try to consolidate errands so we are not running down there for just one store or one thing . Many couponers like to frequent stores that double coupons , price match competitors ads and / or accept other stores ' coupons . The stores down south must be really nice because the coupon website I go to , people are consistently saving 80 - 90 % of their totals while shopping . The Food Lion where I shop at is just a plain , old , regular grocery store . They don 't double coupons or price match because they don 't have any competition from any other stores . They know that a lot of people in town go there because they have no other place to go . But still , there are deals to be found if you know what to look for and the coupon website I frequent says that if you learn when your store has their sales , anyone can turn any store into a good store . This such trip was one of those sales . Because of the Super Bowl , a lot of the ' party foods ' and snack foods are on sale . There were several special deals and lots of coupons and I was able to pick up all of the above for a good price . It 's my best shopping trip at Food Lion and I 'm really pleased with that . There are some items here that I don 't ever buy , like the Otis Spunkmeyer cookie dough , the pasta mixes and TGIFriday 's appetizer , but by combining coupons , sales , and deals , made it too good to pass up and will come in handy for those occasional meals I don 't have time to cook from scratch . 2 - Red Baron pizzas3 - Stouffer 's French Bread pizzas1 - Gallon Milk6 - Ragu sauce4 - Minute Maid O . J . 6 - Knorr Pastas1 - TGIFridays appetizer2 - NY Texas Toast1 - Farm Rich Mozzarella StickPosted by The big , bad winter storm completely missed us and all we got was a little bit of sleet . Nothing to write about . The temps inched up today and hit the mid - forties which means much of the snow and ice we already had is melting and turning everything into slush and mud . I dread walking to the chicken coop - - the path is so muddy , so I walk on slippery , slushy snow , which is no fun , but at least if I fall , and I haven 't , yet , I won 't fall in the mud . Of the six young chickens I have left , it 's looking like only 2 are hens . Foo ! The young roosters are starting to get cocky and I have caught them trying to mount one of the older hens who promptly give chase , clucking all the while , as if to say : " How dare you get fresh with me ! I 'll give you a piece of my mind ! Don 't you ever try that again with me , you pitiful excuse for a rooster ! " Because of the snow and mud , they roost on the back stoop , which makes it fun to watch their antics , but leaves me with a poopy stoop . I get an earful from Andrew about that , a lot . Friends of ours told me I needed to crack the whip and make my hens lay an even dozen . That 'd be nice , but at the moment , I have only 11 laying hens . Adding in the two young ones , and they 'll be ready to lay eggs soon , will make it 13 . Chances will be good , then , I 'll have a dozen eggs from time to time , until the older ones start molting in the Spring . I doubt I 'll buy any new chicks this year . . I 'm happy with the flock I have now , and they easily go through a 50 lb bag of feed in 10 days . I can only imagine how much more feed I 'd have to buy with more chickens . I 'm looking forward to Spring and the chickens feasting on bugs and fresh grass again ! I give them kitchen scraps and leftovers when we have them to supplement their diet . Maybe this will be the year of getting a pig ? I need to figure out where to put a pen and build some sort of shelter first before I can even think about that . But I am hopeful , so wait and see . I worry about getting attached to the pig and then having to take it to the butcher when it 's tPosted by What you see is what you get . I make no apologies for who I am and the way I choose to live my life . I 'm Deaf , a wife and a mom . This blog is about me , my life and my family . I write about whatever strikes my fancy , whether it be about my kids , my latest craft project , something I made in the kitchen , or a mindless rant ( it happens ! ) . If you like what you see , pull up a chair and stay a while . I 'm tickled when you leave a comment and I try to respond to all of them , but once in a while , time escapes me and I don 't get around to responding to them all - - I have 4 kids , they keep me hopping !
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Having 3 older sisters means there 's lots of pink girly stuff around here . Poor Peter . He doesn 't seem to mind too much , as he plays with a little bit of everything , and the girls don 't have all girly toys . There 's plenty of gender - neutral toys to play with around here . Plus it helps to have a papa that likes toy cars , so there 's definitely lots of those for Peter to claim as his own . Peter likes a certain set of cars , always playing with those and screaming his little head off when one of his sisters take one away . He is using the front of his shirt as a carryall and that just won 't do ! I gave him a basket , but that gets turned into a hat or thrown at one of his sisters . I tried a small plastic bin which gets turned into a step for reaching higher - up stuff he isn 't supposed to get into . Plastic bags are out - - suffocation risks . So I had to come up with something - - his sisters all have bags made by me , in flowery or satin - y fabrics , so why not make something for him ? I came up with : A monster bag ! ! He loves monsters and dinosaurs so it seemed natural to make something with scales and pointy teeth ! In go the cars . . . All buttoned up ! A cute bag for a cute little boy ! He refused to pose for me , so I asked big sister Evelyn to model the bag for me . I am thinking of making a few more for other little boys I know ! Here 's a picture of that humped - back rooster I have . He wasn 't born this way , I have no idea how he came to be like this , but he functions well and I 've caught him chasing after a hen and successfully mounting her . So other than being picked on by the other chickens , he seems to be alright . Here 's a top view to see how his head is almost where his shoulder should be . He can 't straighten out his neck , and when I move my hand to his right , he can 't see me and gets startled when he realizes I 'm so close . He usually hangs out on the fringes of the group , or I catch him alone by the house , watching the other chickens . I feel bad for him sometimes , but what can I do ? He 's destined for the cook pot one of these days . 5 roosters are too many and I only plan to keep my top rooster , so 4 have to go . Check out the teeny , tiny chicken egg ! If I didn 't pick it up out of the chicken coop myself , I would have sworn it was some other bird 's egg . Be interesting to crack it and see how small the yolk is ! My Buff chicken is still sitting on her eggs . I candled one of her eggs and I saw a dark mass , larger than a yolk . I hope that wasn 't my imagination . Kind of hard to candle brown eggs , the shell is dark and some shells are thicker than white ones . I expect baby chicks in less than 2 weeks , so I need to set up a temporary pen for mama and her babies . May have to set up a more permanent one , since it 's still cold here and I don 't want the babies to die of exposure . It 's something I 've been meaning to do anyway , but I hoped to do it later when it was warmer . Well , it 's March next week , so Spring can 't be too far off . As expected , we have a blanket of snow covering the ground . Good - bye pretty Spring - like temperatures , welcome back cold weather ! The chickens aren 't happy about that . Makes it harder for the girls to avoid the horny roosters . Time to sharpen the axe next time it warms up again . The house is nice and warm , thanks to the recent splitting of wood by Andrew . Funny how when one is down to the last of the wood , the cold becomes acceptable , but when one knows there is wood to be burned , the shivering becomes unbearable . A Buff hen has been sitting on eggs for about 10 days now . I 've numbered 6 eggs , made sure they were all rounded and not pointy and check her frequently to make sure she is still setting on them . I read somewhere that rounded eggs are more likely to be female and the pointy ones tend to be male . I 'm testing that theory and hoping for more hens not roosters . I 've discovered my yeast has gone bad . I made roast beef tonight and was going to pair it with french bread - yum ! While letting it rest for an hour to rise , I noticed there was hardly any air in the dough . I kneaded it again and shaped it , hoped for the best and let it rest again , but no go . I baked it anyway , figuring I can at least chop it up for the chickens if it 's too dense . It rose a little bit in the oven , but yeah , it 's going to the chickens in the morning . No more bulk purchases of yeast for me - - I don 't bake bread often enough to use it up fast enough . I 've recently discovered Lindt chocolate truffles . What have I been missing ? ! ? I snagged a bunch of them on clearance after Valentine 's day and each one is a bite of heaven ! Even the dark chocolate ones are yummy , but my favorite is the white chocolate with bits of cocoa studded in the shell . Has anyone seen the A - Team movie ? How amazing is it that Liam Neeson looks like George Peppard ? ? I never would have picked Liam to play George , but he pulled it off ! I used to watch the TV show with my Dad back in the 80s . Might have to get the series on DVD . . . Any Coca - Cola drinkers out there ? Did you know if yjenny Our stash of firewood for the winter was pitiful . I hoped it would be enough , but I knew , deep inside , it would not . We only had a fire on days that were really cold , cold enough to make one cold even while wearing several layers of clothing ; when even the little electric space heaters couldn 't beat back the cold ; when even having the oven on and the door open still made barely a rise in the thermometer in the kitchen . We tried to make the wood last , scrounging the iffy bits with soft ends that started to rot , using every last little bit from the bottom of the pile . Andrew would rush home at 4 : 30 in the afternoon and squeeze out some splitting in the last hour of daylight . He would get up early before work and trudge out to the woods on snow - free days and cut trees the tree cutters felled and left behind for us . He would have just enough time to load and unload the truck before having to get cleaned up and go to work at 2 : 30 . Working rotating shifts make it hard to schedule things , adding in family duties , errands and other chores . A couple years ago , someone bought the land next to us and built a pallet factory . The power company came through to install power lines and asked us permission to cut down trees on our land to make room . As long as they left the wood , they were welcome to do what they had to do . When they were gone , we surveyed what was left and we were warmed at the sight of huge logs that would need cutting and splitting . Much too big for Andrew 's saw , but we cut what we could here and there , big limbs and the smaller trees , when we could get the kids settled for an hour or two . A few days ago , Andrew was out there , and saw that someone had cut and taken some wood . He was furious ! That 's our wood , for us ! It might have been different if someone knocked on our door and asked permission , but to come onto our land , cut and take it without asking ? ! He fumed and could not concentrate , thinking about that wood . He posted ' No Trespassing ' signs directly onto the logs themselves . Yesterday , outdoor temperaturesPosted by Valentine 's Day has come and gone , but that doesn 't mean we stop celebrating Love . Andrew and I often say that " everyday is Valentine 's day ! " We make it a point to always say " I love you " to each other , to always kiss before leaving , and to talk before falling asleep . It helps keep our marriage strong . If one of us takes off our wedding ring , the other proposes to put it back on . Every time . If Andrew is at work , I 'll wait until he gets back home . It may sound silly , but I get proposed to at least once a week . The fact that he still asks me to marry him after nearly 13 years , 4 kids , and some xx pounds later , tells me he still loves me and wants to spend his life with me . The fact that I still say " yes " tells him the same . Somewhere , I once read that men and women should always treat each other as if they are still dating . In other words , to always court each other . I think I would find that exhausting . I simply don 't want to dress myself up in tight jeans and cleavage - baring tops , and always be on my best flirtatious behavior . I do have children to care for and a house to manage and a homestead to run . But I see the point of courting each other , to let the other know that they are still a " catch " and one still desires the other . I 've also heard , and have been guilty of saying , " I 've got him , I can let everything go now . " I might have said it , but I didn 't really mean it . In letting everything go , one stops taking care of oneself , stops dressing with care , stops caring about anything to do with appearances . I might wear my hole - y and stained clothes around the house , but when I go out , I make sure to dress nicer . If Andrew and I get a moment alone to run out , we usually dress in our better clothes for each other , changing from our ' house clothes ' to ' going - out ' clothes . Andrew works a kiosk at the mall and he sees plenty of examples of people who have ' let themselves go ' . He comes home telling me about sloppily - clothed people - - plump girls wearing tops that are 3 - sizes too small ; big men waddling in sweat pants , thePosted by Aunt Flo is in town and all I wanna do is lie down and curl up into a ball and go to sleep . Never mind I have 4 littles to take care of . Never mind one of them is screaming his / her head off and it sounds like I have a herd of elephants thundering up and down the hall . At this point of Aunt Flo 's visit , which is day 4 , I am physically exhausted from the constant barrage of back pain , cramping , and blood loss . Add to that the seemingly never - ending yelling and bickering between the kids and Peter 's grating screaming and I am mentally exhausted from playing referee . I am ready for menopause , please . If it weren 't so cold and the ground was not coated in slippery ice , I 'd send the kids outside to scream all they want . How can I be an effective Mama when I am yelling at the kids to stop yelling ? I had library movies due today . After Andrew got back from an appointment , I went out to drop them off and make a few stops . I locked the keys in the car and had a couple dizzy spells from skipping lunch and not fueling my body while Aunt Flo is visiting . Andrew rescued me . Lucky for me he was off today and not at work . I should have stayed in bed this morning . I think dinner will be one of those quickie frozen meals I got so cheaply last week . Time to also break out one of the new DVD movies we keep on hand to surprise the kids . Mama needs to spend some quality time with the bed . - I count myself lucky everyday when I wake and see my husband 's handsome face . I could get lost in those blue eyes of his and only he could make crow 's feet look sexy ! I feel my heart just bursting with love when he looks at me and tells me he loves me . ~ sigh ~ It doesn 't help when he wears this particular shirt and hat - - he looks extra yummy . I call the shirt my pitty - pat shirt , because it makes my heart go all pitty - patty ! Excuse me while I go find Andrew and give him a kiss . . . - I had an extremely good shopping trip at the food and drug stores recently and I just have to share ! But first , I wanted to explain something for those of you not familiar with couponing and the area where I live : We live in the mountains and the closest ' big ' food store is Food Lion 18 miles away . That 's also where CVS and Rite Aid are located . Other big food stores are in a larger town 45 minutes away and if I go there , I try to consolidate errands so we are not running down there for just one store or one thing . Many couponers like to frequent stores that double coupons , price match competitors ads and / or accept other stores ' coupons . The stores down south must be really nice because the coupon website I go to , people are consistently saving 80 - 90 % of their totals while shopping . The Food Lion where I shop at is just a plain , old , regular grocery store . They don 't double coupons or price match because they don 't have any competition from any other stores . They know that a lot of people in town go there because they have no other place to go . But still , there are deals to be found if you know what to look for and the coupon website I frequent says that if you learn when your store has their sales , anyone can turn any store into a good store . This such trip was one of those sales . Because of the Super Bowl , a lot of the ' party foods ' and snack foods are on sale . There were several special deals and lots of coupons and I was able to pick up all of the above for a good price . It 's my best shopping trip at Food Lion and I 'm really pleased with that . There are some items here that I don 't ever buy , like the Otis Spunkmeyer cookie dough , the pasta mixes and TGIFriday 's appetizer , but by combining coupons , sales , and deals , made it too good to pass up and will come in handy for those occasional meals I don 't have time to cook from scratch . 2 - Red Baron pizzas3 - Stouffer 's French Bread pizzas1 - Gallon Milk6 - Ragu sauce4 - Minute Maid O . J . 6 - Knorr Pastas1 - TGIFridays appetizer2 - NY Texas Toast1 - Farm Rich Mozzarella StickPosted by The big , bad winter storm completely missed us and all we got was a little bit of sleet . Nothing to write about . The temps inched up today and hit the mid - forties which means much of the snow and ice we already had is melting and turning everything into slush and mud . I dread walking to the chicken coop - - the path is so muddy , so I walk on slippery , slushy snow , which is no fun , but at least if I fall , and I haven 't , yet , I won 't fall in the mud . Of the six young chickens I have left , it 's looking like only 2 are hens . Foo ! The young roosters are starting to get cocky and I have caught them trying to mount one of the older hens who promptly give chase , clucking all the while , as if to say : " How dare you get fresh with me ! I 'll give you a piece of my mind ! Don 't you ever try that again with me , you pitiful excuse for a rooster ! " Because of the snow and mud , they roost on the back stoop , which makes it fun to watch their antics , but leaves me with a poopy stoop . I get an earful from Andrew about that , a lot . Friends of ours told me I needed to crack the whip and make my hens lay an even dozen . That 'd be nice , but at the moment , I have only 11 laying hens . Adding in the two young ones , and they 'll be ready to lay eggs soon , will make it 13 . Chances will be good , then , I 'll have a dozen eggs from time to time , until the older ones start molting in the Spring . I doubt I 'll buy any new chicks this year . . I 'm happy with the flock I have now , and they easily go through a 50 lb bag of feed in 10 days . I can only imagine how much more feed I 'd have to buy with more chickens . I 'm looking forward to Spring and the chickens feasting on bugs and fresh grass again ! I give them kitchen scraps and leftovers when we have them to supplement their diet . Maybe this will be the year of getting a pig ? I need to figure out where to put a pen and build some sort of shelter first before I can even think about that . But I am hopeful , so wait and see . I worry about getting attached to the pig and then having to take it to the butcher when it 's tPosted by What you see is what you get . I make no apologies for who I am and the way I choose to live my life . I 'm Deaf , a wife and a mom . This blog is about me , my life and my family . I write about whatever strikes my fancy , whether it be about my kids , my latest craft project , something I made in the kitchen , or a mindless rant ( it happens ! ) . If you like what you see , pull up a chair and stay a while . I 'm tickled when you leave a comment and I try to respond to all of them , but once in a while , time escapes me and I don 't get around to responding to them all - - I have 4 kids , they keep me hopping !
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Welcome to day 4 of # CookOutWeek ! Click here to checkout my welcome post and read all about # CookOutWeek and our amazing giveaway ! I started off # CookOutWeek with a delicious recipe for Strawberry Margarita Popsicles to start and Veracha Feta Burger yesterday . Today I am sharing another recipe perfect for patio sitting with friends . I love having dips for an appetizer or a mid - afternoon snack . I made Avocado Tomato and Feta Dip for a cookout with friends and we enjoyed it on a warm evening on their patio while the kids played . I wanted to share my recipe for this dip because it is soooooo easy and absolutely delicious . The recipe just requires a bit of chopping and a quick stir and you have an amazing dip to enjoy - perfect to bring last minute to a party . I love the combination of feta and avocado together because the avocado is nice and rich but the cheese and tomatoes bring a fresh flavor to the dip . I serve my dip with tortilla chips , but potato chips , crackers or veggies would all be yummy alternatives to tortilla chips . I hope everyone is enjoying the all of these delicious recipes for # CookOutWeek ! It has been such a blast participating so far and I am loving all the different recipes to add to my summer menus ! Tonight we are heading out to a local cookout ! Our State Senator is having a brat fry fundraiser and it is hard for anyone in this household to turn down a brat on a summer evening ! Check back the tomorrow for the final # CookOutWeek recipes ( this week has flown by ! ) , don 't forget to enter the Rafflecopter in the link above and checkout the link - up below ! Combine avocado , tomatoes , feta and lemon juice in a medium bowl . Stir till all ingredients are well mixed . Season with salt and pepper . Serve with tortilla chips . Click here to checkout my welcome post and read all about # cookoutweek and our amazing giveaway ! I started off # CookOutWeek with a delicious recipe for Strawberry Margarita Popsicles and today I am sharing a fantastic burger recipe using one of our sponsored items from True Made Foods . True Made Foods sent me three of their delicious products : Ketchup , BBQ Sauce and Veracha Sauce . True Made Foods was founded by veterans and focuses on using fresh vegetables to sweeten their products and cuts the sugar in half , but maintaining great flavor . True Made Foods strives to make American food more nutritious by uses real whole foods and creating delicious products . I was especially excited to try their Veracha Sauce . The Veracha Sauce is a hot sauce uses a base of tomato , spinach , carrots and butternut squash . They bring the heat with a healthy dose of jalapeno and cayenne pepper to create an amazing and flavorful sauce . I wanted to create a unique burger that hit all my favorite flavors combos . I have had a chicken sandwich locally that mixes feta with a buffalo wing style hot sauce for a topping and I thought this would be a fantastic topper for my burger . I loved the flavor of the Veracha with the feta because the earthy and spicy vegetable flavors were perfect next to the briny salty cheese . I also opted to top my burger with a a few slices of bacon because I couldn 't resist . The verdict on the burger in my house was an A + ! My husband and I loved the spicy feta Veracha spread - it was a little hot for Kellen so I modified his with a a thin layer on the top of his burger . I love that Kellen is willing to experiment with foods that have a little heat - he usually likes them ! Thank you True Made Foods for sharing your product with us ! I love the concept of this company and their products are delicious ! Check back the rest of the week for more amazing # CookOutWeek recipes , don 't forget to enter the Rafflecopter in the link above and checkout the link - up below ! In a medium bowl , mix together Veracha and feta and set aside . Pat the burgers together and season with salt and pepper . Heat grill to medium high and grill 3 - 4 minutes per side or until thermometer reads 160 degrees F at the thickest part of the burger . After you flip the burgers the first time scoop desired amount of Veracha feta spread on the burger . I divided my spread between 6 burgers . Remove from grill and place on a bun . Top with bacon and enjoy ! Welcome to Day 2 of # CookOutWeek ! I have a few delicious recipes coming up featuring recipes from our generous sponsors ! Click here to checkout my welcome post and read all about # cookoutweek and our amazing giveaway ! I wanted to kick off this summer themed recipe challenge to share a recipe that combines two of my favorite things to enjoy at a cookout - margaritas and popsicles . It is strawberry season in Wisconsin and what better way to enjoy a margarita than to add fresh delicious strawberries ? For this recipe I use a homemade margarita base , but limeade would also work perfectly . Add a few muddled strawberries and a pinch of salt to each pop and you have a perfect hot weather treat . I actually like to a bit of silver tequila in a glass the place my popsicle right in the glass . . . . perfect way to adapt this non - alcoholic treat for adults . I bought a popsicle mold last summer and this is my first time using it ! For some reason I thought it was going to be difficult to use . . . . lucky for me I found pour liquid into a mold . Ha . I opted to mash my fresh berries because I like have pieces of frozen fruit , but if you prefer a smoother texture you can puree your fruit . These frozen treats are a perfect way to start summer and if you serve them with a little tequila your guests be thrilled . I had a little additional salt on the side to sprinkle as well and it was perfect to essentially create a margarita on a stick ! My popsicle mold makes 6 popsicles , but you can adjust your recipe depending on how many you make and the size of the molds . Evenly divide the mashed strawberries between the popsicle molds . Sprinkle a small pinch of salt over strawberries . Top with margarita mix to the popsicle molds fill line . Freeze according to product recommendations ( mine was 8 hours ) . Once frozen enjoy on it 's own or in a small glass of tequila with a bit of salt for sprinkling . a Rafflecopter giveaway An InLinkz Link - up Bigs thanks go to all of our wonderful sponsors for making # CookoutWeek possible ! Here 's the full list of fabulous participating bloggers : The PinterTest Kitchen 2 Cookin ' Mamas A Day in the Life on the Farm addicted 2 recipes Aimee Broussard & Co . Amy 's Cooking Adventures Angels Home Sweet Homestead Bakin ' and Eggcerpts Balancing Motherhood Body Rebooted Cheese Curd In Paradise Cindy 's Recipes and Writings Cook With 5 Kids Cook . Craft . Love . Cookaholic Wife Cricket 's Confections Crumb : A Food Blog Eat , Drink , Be Healthy ! Everyday Eileen Fairyburger Food Parsed Get the Good Stuff ! Goodie Godmother Hezzi - D 's Books and Cooks Home in the Finger Lakes Jennifer Cooks Jessie Weaver Kate 's Recipe Box Good evening friends ! Check back tomorrow on details for a new giveaway / recipe roundup for # cookoutweek ! This weekend was so nice and relaxing . I was off work on Friday and had a great time spending time with my boys . Ron went golfing in the evening and we finished off the night by ordering subs , playing outside and relaxing with a movie . Look at these sweet faces : On Saturday , Kellen and I headed up to Door County with my friends Emily and Kayla for a trip to The Farm and beach time . Rowan stayed home with Ron for a little 1 : 1 with his Dad . Ron was in school when Kellen was born and had a lot more time with him and I think he misses being able to spend large portions of his day with the kids as much as their mother does ! The Farm was fantastic , as usual , and the kids loved feeding and playing with the animals . My mom also met us to join the fun ! I was my normal non - dorky self and practically face - planted after tripping over a small hole . . . . thankfully everyone was there to laugh . . . er . . . make sure I was ok . . . I literally laid on the ground face down laughing before I could get back on my feet . I aim to entertain . After The Farm we headed to Culver 's for lunch and then to the beach ! The water was cool , but not freezing and the sand was warm . . . . it was a perfect afternoon with friends . We finished off the evening with pizza before the kids went to bed . Ron and I finally got to watch the movie Everest . . . I can 't remember the last time we actually watched a movie and weren 't sleeping 10 minutes in ! We were awoken with a start early Sunday morning when the warning sirens and weather alerts were going off with tornado warnings ! We woke the boys and headed to the basement . Thankfully , everything was fine . Rowan nursed back to sleep in about 10 minutes , but Kellen was afraid of the storm that was brewing away outside his window so he crawled into bed to snuggle his mom . Ron stayed awake the remainder of the evening and was little too nervous to go to bed . Needless to say - we had some tired people today ( besides Rowan and the cats ) . We relaxed most of the day and finished up grocery shopping for the week . Target had a sale on pools and sporting goods today and I scored a good sized pool ( my criteria was that I wanted to sit in it with Kellen ! ) and a slip and slide for Kellen for under $ 30 ! I also grabbed a new umbrella for our patio set - I can 't wait to get outside this week ! Tonight Monday : Grilled Italian Marinated Pork Chops , Parmesan Tomato Basil Orzo , and Grilled Asparagus Exclusive pumping is something near and dear to my heart since I did it for a year with my older son , Kellen . What does it mean to exclusively pump ? When a mother exclusively pumps she is pumping breast milk with an electric or manual pump to feed her baby by bottle and not her breast . The next question many may naturally wonder is , why ? There are many reasons and really they are only important to the mother because none are more important another . Some mothers struggle to get their baby to feed at breast due to latch or other anatomical issues with baby or mom , some are not able to put baby to breast due to medical conditions ( commonly in the NICU with a premie or unable to handle a feeding ) , and some prefer pumping and bottle feeding . These are just a few scenarios , but are the more common reasons a mother / family might opt to pump over feed from the breast . In this post , I will refer to a baby put to breast as nipple fed and a baby whose mother is pumping as bottle fed s times . I will never classify the nipple fed baby as breastfed and infer that the other is not . In my opinion , the mother is breastfeeding in both of these scenarios , but the delivery system is different . I find it insulting to ever infer that a pumping mother is not breastfeeding her child . As I previously stated , I pumped milk for Kellen for a year . It was a choice I made after his NICU stay and feeling particularity helpless . It is amazing to me how different the NICU in the short period of time between Kellen and Rowan . In 2013 , I shared a note on my pumping journey with Kellen after he turned 1 on Facebook and will share it here with you ( it is a little long ) : I want to start off by say that I am going to talk about my preferences and beliefs in this story . I in no way wish to offend anyone who decided to take a different path with their family . You are not any less or more of a parent than I am because we made different choices . Also , I am going to talk about breasts , babies , nipples and breast milk - consider yourself warned . I wanted to share this because it has been such a big part of my life and I haven 't really put it into writing till now . Before my boy was born I knew that I would breast feed . It is the best for baby . Hands down . You can make arguments either way , but when the chips are down it gives baby the best start in life … . After I read the back of a formula can it makes me cringe to see Kellen get anything but breast milk . I think breast feeding is beautiful and milk is made just for my baby by me . My son Kellen was born on 12 / 11 / 12 at Bellin Hospital at 42 weeks 2 days . My husband Ron and my Doula & friend Emily were by my side . The birth went great , but the following day we were told Kellen had pneumonia and was admitted to the NICU for treatment . I was discharged on 12 / 13 / 12 and Ron and I went immediately to pick up my Madela PISA breast pump ( free - thank you insurance ! ) . Ron and I really liked Bellin and felt very comfortable with the nurses and the staff . We had gotten to know them and I was able to pump and nurse him within the NICU . I was also asked if he could be given some formula since I was not always there to feed . I consented to this but was troubled because I wanted Kellen to primarily get breast milk . Problems came when Kellen ( the little stinker ) kept pulling out his IV . Ron and I received a call from Dr . Rock ( Kellen 's NICU Doctor ) at 12 : 30 am on 12 / 13 / 12 informing us that Kellen was being moved to St . Vincent Hospital . At this time Ron was already back at work and I made the trip to St . Vincent Hospital early the next morning . Kellen was alone in a room and looked so small . The first nurse we met will stay with me forever . She looked kind , but her demeanor changed when I asked to nurse my baby . She acted as if I was an imposition . I asked for a more comfortable chair like I had seen in other NICU rooms . She told me they did not have a chair and gestured for me to use a tall computer chair . Kellen was 10 lb 4 oz when he was born … . needless to say I say on a boppy for a little while after he was born and a tall computer chair was not going to work for me . I was feeling defeated already . I thought to myself , " you are strong you need to make this work … no failing ! " . The final straw came when I tried to find the bathroom . Apparently , there is not one close to the NICU … . . it was on the other side of the hall way … I remember walking down the hallway crying because I felt so alone ( and at the start of a post birth UTI … yay ) . When I came back my mom was had come to be with me ( she was tAfter our discussion , a comfortable chair was placed in Kellen 's room and I did not see that nurse the rest of Kellen 's stay . The remainder of the NICU stay was a combination of running to the hospital , sleeping and pumping . I remember being at my family Christmas , in my parents room , pumping . It was the beginning of a very long journey . My family was kind enough to come to the hospital to visit Kellen since he was not able to attend the festivities . Kellen was discharged on 12 / 16 / 12 at 6 pm . Ron and I were banging down the door to get him out and never look back . As we left I said goodbye to the other families whose babies were not coming home soon . I still think about them and hope this holiday season everyone is home , healthy and happy . We even got home in time for the Packer Game . Over the next few weeks we struggled with latching . I tried the nipple shield and went back to the LC twice . I was pumping the entire time and bottle feeding as well . There came a time when Kellen was about a month old that I decided that I was going to pump . My mom said to me , " what is your goal ? If it is breast milk you are getting him breast milk " . She was right . At that was when I made the decision to pump exclusively for Kellen . I figured that since I had to back to work anyways it would work well for Ron and I and help with feeding responsibilities . I thought hard about goals for how long I wanted to pump . I decided that my first goal was 6 months and my long term would be a year . At the time I remember thinking … it 's just a year … little did I know . In the beginning , I supplemented with a few formula bottles here and there . Kellen was a big baby and my supply had to catch up with his demand . It was not until later that I learned about donor milk as an option … . Anyone who says breastfeeding and / or pumping are easy is lying or has no other responsibilities besides their child . I could have bought stock in bread pads in the early months because my body was all over the place . I truly learned what the word letdown meant and it was all over my tank top when I would wake up in the morning . In addition to the leaking I needed to pump every three hours not only to build my supply but to make sure my boobs did not explode ( I know they wouldn 't have , but it seemed like it ) . When you first start pumping , like breast feeding , it hurts ! I quickly learned that lanolin was my best friend . My world was rather swampy … . . From 1 month - 3 months I was pumping for 20 minutes 7 times a day . To put into practical terms , the time I was pumping would be the same if I drove to Madison , WI every day . That , along with work and other responsibilities - even to a girls weekend , was taxing . By the end of 3 months I was pumping about 30 oz a day . 4 months came a challenge , a family trip to Key West , FL , while exclusively pumping . I knew that I had a battery pack and an adaptor for my pump so pumping in the car or at the airport was completely doable . Ron and I pack bottles , pumping part , water free cleaning ( these are awesome for work ! ) cloths , ice packs , breast pads and lanolin . Getting there was a challenge … . I practically dove into our rental car to pump after the flight . We made it ! The week followed me pumping about 5 times a day and resulted in some supply issues when we returned home . When we returned home I ate a tone of lactation cooking and more milk supplements . Thankfully I was able to get my supply back up . 5 - 6 months in was where I felt myself start to want to give up . I developed thrush on my left side . I have never felt pain like I did with thrush . It felt like someone was stabbing me in the chest and kept me up at night in tears . I said something to my doctor at Kellen 's 6 month appointment and she gave me a cream to try . Thankfully it worked and the pain went away . Pumping , sorry if it is TMI … you were forewarned , beats the hell out of your nipples . After the thrush stopped , I started to develop blisters . I tried changing the size of my pump parts , but it did not seem to help . I had two in my left side and one on my right . When they finally popped it was horribly painful ( toe curling deep breathing painful ) . I remember sitting in the living room pumping milk that looked like pepto because I was cracking and bleeding because of the blisters . I sat and cried and my poor husband tried to find a way he could help me . After struggling with the blisters , the thrush returned . After the thrush left , the blisters returned . I almost quit . I almost walked away because it was so much to deal with . I felt alone and drained . I wasn 't technically a breast feeder and wasn 't comfortable reaching out on the group Facebook page . I was tired of having my life revolve around a pump and I was tired of the pain . I just wanted to go to sleep , I just wanted to have a glass of wine and not worry about timing in order to have another and I wanted to be able to be spontaneous again . I have since heard from other EP mom 's of their struggles to fit in with breast feeding and formula . At about 7 months , I reached out to my doula and friend , Emily and my good friend Kayla . I don 't think they know , but they saved me from quitting . Kayla 's son was born a few weeks after Kellen and we love getting the boys together . I could also talk with her about my struggles because she understood . Emily pushed me to complete my goals . She knew how important this was to me and even found me a Facebook group of other EP moms . Ron also gave me so much encouragement . He never failed to tell me how proud he was ( or tell anyone else ) . I had hit pumping rock bottom … . I cried each time I had to pump because it hurt and I wanted to have my life back . After talking with my friends it gave me a shot back to my goals . I could do this . At this point I was pumping 6 times a day and making about 45 oz . By month 9 my thrush had gone away and blisters had healed . I think this is when things got better for me . I was making about 40 oz a day and pumping 5 times a day . My supply had dropped slightly , but it was ok . Around month 10 my supply dropped dramatically when my period returned . I dropped from 40 oz to 30 oz within a few weeks and I could not make it jump … it just kept dropping . After talking with Emily and with Ron I decided to seek out a donor . The first person I went to was my friend Kayla . I knew that she had extra and had donated in the past . Being the wonderful person she is she donated about 250 oz to Kellen . I continued to trudge along pumping , but my supply kept sinking . Thankfully Kellen was taking solids and his needs were not as great . I started to consider the weaning process since I was getting close to 12 months . At 11 months I was pumping 3 - 4 times a day and getting 20 - 22 oz . After cutting to 3 pumps a day I tanked again and was circling around 10 oz a day . Thankfully , Kayla was looking to donate and Kellen received another 100 oz . Month 12 . I made it … . . Kellen has been transitioning to dairy over the past few weeks with his breast milk and has been doing great . I am writing this on the eve of his first birthday with tears in my eyes remembering how hard my family worked to make this goal . It feels bittersweet to put away my pump . It had become such a big part of my life I have to re - learn how to live without pumping multiple times a day . I think about how much those words from that nurse in the NICU changed how I decided I was going be for my child . I was going to fight for what I wanted and what I thought was best . Emily and I went to a tree lighting a few weeks ago and were talking about breast feeding and pumping . I think I am a harder person from this experience , but I think I have learned so much about myself . I truly learned what it is to advocate for you . I learned how important a natural approach is to me . I learned that with the right planning I can could still do on vacation , girls weekends , nights out , camping and weddings ! I learned that surrounding yourself with support is important . I learned that the off - handed comments people make , while annoying , about breast feeding / pumping are because they do not know better . I will never be able to thank Emily for her support . She is a rock to me and I will never have another child without her by my side . I will never be able to truly thank Kayla for sharing her milk and friendship with Kellen . Kayla gave Kellen 350 oz of milk ! My family was so supportive to me . They never acted as if it was an imposition to them and always supported Ron and I . To Ron , you are the best person I could have asked for to support me . Thank you for not getting grossed out , annoyed or mad because I always got to sit in the recliner to pump . You never doubted me and you never gave up . Thank you for making this as important to you as it was to me . People told me I was crazy and that I couldn 't do it , but I did it . Since December 2012 , I have done almost 2 , 200 pumps . At 20 minutes that is 733 hours and , if calculated to days , about 31 days . So that was 2 1 / 2 years ago . I read it now and it makes me cry because I wish I could tell the woman who wrote that post that it was going to be better next time and to thank her for doing the things she did because she allowed the person I am now to learn so much . I wish I could explain the NICU to her and why certain things were done because after a longer stay with Rowan I learned so much more ( I would also assure her that Dr . Rock would be there again because he is an exceptional doctor ) . I feel like I sound so angry in that note and maybe I was . I wrote about how I was a harder person , but I am not sure that is true anymore . I think in 2013 , I was still reeling from everything and think what I became was a smarter and more compassionate person . I really leaned to appreciate the medical field and the professionals in it - there are very few like the one I encountered out there . I learned to be part of a team the next time around - that experience taught me how to be a better mom , a better advocate , and better patient . As you read above , I had a schedule for my pumping and I think that is one of the more common questions I hear from people interested in pumping exclusively is how you create a schedule . From what I have learned is that the beginning is the most important and to get up and do the middle of the night pump even thought it is a giant pain in the butt ! You will be saved months of worrying about your supply by working to boost it in the first few months versus trying to boost your supply when coming up a little short . The first 12 weeks are the best time to build a supply , but it can still be done after that but takes a bit more work and who likes to get up in the middle of the night after baby has started to let you sleep ! ? My point is - put in the work in the beginning and you will be happy you did . Aside from the middle of the night pump what does the schedule look like for an pumping mom ? A good rule of thumb , for me , was 3 - 4 hours while supply building ( 7 - 10 times a day ) . This will change some daysI have the different accessories shown above , but had 2 additional sets of breast shields and a bunch of extra bottles in the 5 oz and 8 oz sizes . If you are and exclusive pumper you may want to have extra membranes and tubing because your pump may have a bit more wear and tear because of the frequent use . I have not tried other pump brands , but can say that my Madela was good to go after tubing and membrane changes when I started pumping with Kellen . I did order a new one as well and keep one at work since it was free for me to order one . The cooler was a big draw for me as a pumper because it was nice to have the ability to keep the milk cold if I was pumping away from home ( which happened often ) . The pump bag is nice as well because I often needed to bring multiple bottles with me . Another accessory that is not shown is lanolin - but stock in that . . . . . seriously . Another helpful accessory is the water free wipes to clean the pump if you do not have immediate access to soap and water . If you are a part - time pumper many of these things you will have to pump when you are away from baby , but maybe not the larger quantities . I also recommend getting the car adapter and the battery pack for the traveling or when you forget to grab your plug off the wall ! Another area to touch on is supply . As a former EP mom I know how obsessive the numbers game can get with pumping - any EPers do a spreadsheet * raises hand * . . . . Will I make enough today ? Can I freeze some ? How often is baby eating and how much do I need before I can leave for X number of hours ? Exclusive pumping is not for the weak of heart my friends . Supply issues are sticky because there are many reasons for supply issues to become problems . Many time supply issues are rooted in the mom not pumping enough . Pumping is a big commitment and if you aren 't doing it , especially in the beginning , your body does not know to keep increasing milk production . Another big supply reducing culprit is getting enough liquids and calories . I am sorry , but 3 weeks postpartum is not tTo summarize , exclusive pumping is hard work . You are a breastfeeding mom and do not let anyone tell you otherwise . You are giving your child the best nourishment you possible can . If you are pumping and want to be feeding at breast do not be afraid to try again with the next baby or , if you are able , when the baby is older because you will learn so much from this experience . If it is your personal preference to pump - you go girl and get pumping . If you want to talk with me about pumping I am all ears and it is a topic I enjoy discussing ( I know I am a giant weirdo ) . E - mail me at cheesecurdinparadise @ gmail . com or leave a comment below . Next week I am diving into another side of pumping : Breastfeeding , Pumping , and Working - The Juggle . Posted by Thank goodness for my slowcooker . Seriously . That kitchen gadget saves my butt on weekly basis and makes my crazy nights way better . . . . . I have a three year old so my nights are just crazy by default , but the slowcooker makes it that much easier . My tricky nights are always when we have swim class . I have become very efficient getting us in and out , but it never fails that Kellen is becoming and angry hungry monster before we leave the parking lot and we needed dinner , like , yesterday . I occasionally will make a stop at the golden arches for special dinner treat , but normally like to have something waiting at home . I came across this recipe and knew it was a perfect swim night meal for the family . It is a little bit of a shorter cook time in the crockpot world , but I can make it on a day I am on leave and it was a perfect thing to thrown in during the afternoon and it was ready to eat when we walked in the door . Ron will throw in a steamer bag of green beans and we called it a day ! The recipe is really simple and only had a few ingredients , but is very tasty . It is a pretty rich meal and I really enjoyed have a green veggie on the side . Kellen loved the sausage and green beans , but he is still not crazy about pierogies . . . . . probably the mashed potato filling since he can be hit or miss on that . However , Ron and I really liked it and it made tasty leftovers for work the following day . The weather in my area has gotten hot ! I am usually not a hot weather person ( except for swimming ! ) , but it has been so nice getting to play outside with Kellen everyday . We started our summer garden and have been enjoying watching our plants grown . We planted a few herbs on the deck , as well as ground cherries , baby tomatoes and celery . In our larger garden in the yard we have zucchini , cucumbers , onions , radishes , carrots , and Kellen 's requested pumpkin . He is so excited to grow his own jack - o - lantern and I hope it grows well for us ! I am also really enjoying my FMLA day once a week to spend with my littlest boy . It is so nice to break up the week and have the additional time to bond with him and enjoy Kellen at the same time . This past week I took the boys to see Thomas the Train at the Railroad Museum ! I will be sad when the FMLA hours are over in mid - September ! I would love to work 4 days a week , but not sure that is in the cards at my job right now . . . . maybe someday ! This week I am at a conference for work and have had to pump milk for the baby on the fly ! I am lucky to have my own office at work and was in my car yesterday - thank goodness for air conditioning ! The place where the training is held can accommodate space for pumping , but it is a bit far from the room and it is faster for me to run to the car to make the most of my time before I need to get back for the presentations - life of a working mom ! It really is not that bad , but it certainly makes me miss my baby when I am away ! Place pierogies on the bottom of the crockpot . Tops with cream cheese and sausage . Layer cheddar over the sausage and pour over the broth . Cook on high 3 - 4 hours , or on low for 6 hours . Season with salt and pepper if desired . Posted by Welcome to June 's What 's Baking ! The theme for this challenge was Bars and was selected by our host , Nicole of Cookies on Friday . I was thrilled because , as a proper Midwestern girl , I absolutely love bars of all kinds . Strawberry season is hot and heavy right now in Wisconsin . The fields just opened this week and the berries are , as usual , out of this world . I normally do not eat strawberries out of season because they are always a big disappointment and nothing like the bounty in June . I like to pick a bunch and usually make make freezer jam , a bunch of desserts , a few bags of whole frozen berries ( I freeze on parchment paper on a cookie sheet and store in freezer bag for easy measuring ) and plenty to be eaten as is . Kellen and I headed out yesterday to get fresh berries and there is nothing like a sun warmed berry right off the vine . Lucky Kellen is even going back tomorrow to pick more with his Grandma ! For the What 's Baking challenge I decided to make a delicious bar featuring my favorite seasonal fruit of the moment - strawberries . I set this bar up with a similar crust to these bars and made a very simply sweet strawberry filling . These bars are so easy they are baked and cooling in under just over a half hour . However , they do require sometime to cool and set up , so plan accordingly if you are making them to share the same day . These bars are delicious and a fantastic way to use this summer fruit . I also love how easy they are and the clean up is so minimal - important factor with two little kids ! I am still deciding if I want to hog the pan by keeping it at home or share and send it with Ron for his co - workers to enjoy . . . . decisions , decisions . I am also thinking that I am going to give these a try with blueberries in a few weeks for a different twist . I hope everyone had / is having a lively Father 's Day with the dads in your life ! I am off to enjoy Game of Thrones and a Strawberry Crumb Bar with my guy ! Bake for an additional 25 minutes . Cool on the counter for about 45 minutes . Cover and chill in the fridge for at least 4 hours before cutting and serving . Posted by Ahhhh . . . . . . cloth diapers . I get asked about cloth a lot because it can be a bit of a intimidating undertaking - especially when adjusting to a new baby . Cloth is not for everyone because it truly is a commitment and a bit more work than disposable diapers ( ' sposies in the cloth world ) . I have heard probably every question or remark in the book when it come to our choice to do majority cloth with our kids . I would never deny that disposables are , many times , more convenient , but cloth has many perks as well and we love it . I wanted to do a post about how and why we transitioned to cloth , our methods / routine , and letting people know that , yes we use disposables too ! Cloth is not scary . Is it extra work ? Sure . Is the work difficult ? Nah . So how did we start ? With Kellen , I knew about half way into my pregnancy that I wanted to cloth diaper . This is my soapbox moment , but hang with me because it was part of my decision making for cloth . From what I had read a child from birth to when they are potty trained will use around 7 , 000 diapers . Considering that we were planning to have multiple children and the amount of diapers from my children alone seemed steep to me . Add in the fact that it takes approximately 500 years for a diaper to decompose I felt that this was something I needed to try . I also considered the cost of diapers and , while the initial purchase of the cloth diapers seems like a lot , cloth is generally much cheaper than disposables especially since we were planning for more than one child . My other consideration for cloth was reduced chemical exposure to our kids . Disposable diapers contain chlorine , polyacrylate , and other chemicals that haven 't been proven safe for prolonged use . I liked that since the diapers were more natural the chances of diaper rashes were greatly reduced as well . I realize that the explanation of why we started with cloth is a bit preachy , but I assure you it is not intended to be that way . Like I said , cloth is not the right choice for everyone and we use disposables too - no Here is a list of my essentials : 1 ) 2 diaper good diaper pails . I like these , but size and style will depend on your needs . We had one upstairs and one in the downstairs bathroom . Once the kids started sleeping though the night we brought both downstairs . 2 ) Diaper pail liners . I went with reusable liners and love it . I liked that I can transport dirty diapers easily or use it for clean diaper storage as well . I would bring the whole thing to the laundry room and loved that the liner could go right in with the diapers and once they were clean and dry I could load it up - no clothes basket needed . My liner of choice is Planet Wise . These liners are amazing and I especially love my cow print one . I found having 4 of these was good for a rotation , but you could get away with 3 . 3 ) Wet bags . Went bags are used for diaper receptacles when I am not at home or the baby is at daycare ( most daycares allow cloth diapers ) / with Grandparents . They are also great for wet swimming suits and towels ! I have 1 large wet bag for overnights , 2 medium and 2 small . I do not think you need that many , but I like a variety to choose from . I also buy my wet bags from Planet Wise ( check out Amazon - especially if you have Prime for great deals ) . 4 ) Diaper cream . The drawback of cloth is that you can 't use regular diaper cream with them because it can impact the ability of the diaper to absorb ( I could always tell when a well meaning grandparent used diaper cream on the baby and I got to scrub my diaper . . . ) . I loved CJ 's BUTTer and LuSa while the kids wear cloth . I also used regular coconut oil as well . However , if they happened to get a really bad rash I put on a disposable and painted their butt with Triple Paste because I have equal love for that stuff and it 's ability to clear up a diaper rash in a flash ! 5 ) Diaper liners . The exception to the rule above is diaper liners . They protect the diapers and you could use a little more heavy duty cream with them . They are also great when the baby starts to eat solids and the poop is not able to be tossed in the washer like it i6 ) Extra inserts . Bumgenius gives a standard and a newborn insert with each diaper . In the beginning this is perfect , but as the child gets older or at night extra inserts might be needed . I purchased additional microfiber , but I also purchased hemp and bamboo because they were much trimmer than micro fiber for nighttime . Again , it is really up to you and what you prefer . 7 ) Diaper sprayer . I had this diaper sprayer and loved it . We have one each primary toilet ( 2 ) , but you can easily get away with one in the main bathroom you intend to do your cleaning . This is something you will use a few months in because dirty diapers from babies that exclusively get breastmilk can go right into the wash . If you are supplementing with formula , feeding totally with formula or baby has started solids you will want to rinse . I kept one diaper pail right by the sprayer so it was easy to drop the wet diaper into the bucket after rinsing . So , that is a list of my favorite things . Like I said before , cloth is an investment and while is looks like a lot it really is not and many things you would already be purchasing for a baby anyways . I think it 's important to explain our transition to cloth now that I went over all the details of the things we bought . We started with Kellen around 4 weeks and Rowan at 6 weeks . I did not do newborn diapers with either of the boys and waited till the regular Bumgenius diapers fit them . The packaging says 8 lbs , but I found the fit was best around 12 lbs . I also used disposables at night until I was able to get a good idea of how long it took to wet though a diaper and what additional inserts were needed . Unlike , disposables cloth is not meant for a 10 hour night and it can depend on the child and what type and how many inserts are used . I found myself changing the boys every 3 hours ( sometimes more , sometimes less ) . Once I started using cloth at night ( about 6 months ) I added an additional hemp insert and those diapers were set aside as " nighttime diapers " . The only advise I can offer with figuring If you are interested in cloth I would see if there is someone that will sit down and show you their process in their house . We did that with two friends and it was awesome to see how things worked and made cloth feel very easy and something we were excited about ! Once you make a decision , join a few of the groups on Facebook to find great deals on diapers and advice on all kinds of cloth questions . As always , if you have questions for me and want to talk my e - mail is : cheesecurdinparadise @ gmail . com or leave a comment ! Sometimes I wonder what I did with my weekends before I had children . . . . Normally , I was in some state of a hangover and played Mario Kart on my couch with Ron . I still had piles of laundry around and a sink full of dishes . . . . . It amazes me now , especially with two little ones , that I felt so busy in those days . I suppose a person 's level of busy is all relative to their lifestyle , but it still baffles me . . . . and it makes me miss Sunday morning hangovers , pizza and bloody mary 's . . . . . However , my two smiley morning boys are amazing and these days they are the people I want to spend my weekends with . . . how times change . I often find myself creating little habits that make my life easier and seem less busy - like meal planning - so there is more fun on my weekends . This weekend was a blast and we had lots crammed into our two short days . On Friday , I was off to be with Rowan and Kellen . We took a trip with my friends Emily and Nakita ( and their littles ) to the DeYoung Family Zoo to enjoy the day and escape some of the 90 + degree weather in Green Bay . We fit 3 adults , 1 baby and 3 three - year olds in the car with a bit of room to spare ! Kellen has never been there before and , while a bit of a rustic zoo , it gives kids amazing up close encounters with the animals . Kellen 's highlight was getting to hold a baby money and feed a hippo ! I forgot to sunscreen my back and have this crazy V shaped tan line . . . . After the zoo , we had pizza for dinner and relaxed at home . On Saturday , Ron had to work and we did a quick grocery store run before heading to my friend Kayla 's for water slides and a margarita on their patio . The children also loves ganging up on the adults with buckets of water ! The crew grabbed burgers and ice cream after at a local favorite , Zesty 's . Kellen and I love their burgers and fresh custard . The flavor of the day was vanilla with swirls of salted caramel and salted pretzels for crunch - yum ! On Sunday , we headed to my friend Maggie 's little boy 's birthday party . The boys are close in age and it was adorable to After the party we had a few photos taken of the boys for a mini session . I should have knows better that I was pushing it . . . . thank goodness for Photoshop and a photographer that has a toddler and a very understanding personality ! I tell myself to keep my expectations low , but I always hope that there will be a good picture in there of Kellen during his " I hate pictures " phase . Whew . . . . busy weekend indeed , but very fun . I am so happy that we have so many friends with kids the same age . Kellen is a lucky guy to have a group of nice friends . Lucky for Rowan , he has a crop of babies born recently / due in the next few months to have a few special friends of his own ! This past week was also my first full week back . I missed my baby so much , but am happy to report that mornings are going really well . I am actually thankful for my anxiety driven post because it helped me look at my morning routine and adjust and plan . I only had one wet hair in a bun day and I am calling that a major victory because I was thinking it would be everyday . Work has been nice to go back to - crazy of course . I love my co - workers and am happy to spend time with them again because they are such fun and sweet people . There are even a few new ones that joined while I was out , and a few that announced that they are expecting little ones this year ! As much as I am getting in the swing of things , I am very thankful to have the additional day off thanks to FMLA to be with Rowan . This has been a hard transition for him . He is so easy going , but I can tell he is so tired when he gets home and napping have been a challenge for him at daycare . We swaddle him at home at night and I am going to bring in his swaddle with hopes it allows him to have a little longer naps . This week is very calm and we are going to see Thomas the Train this week - Kellen is so pumped ( Rowan is but doesn 't know it yet ! ) !
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At first Kame Sen ' nin does not take Goku seriously and tells him if he brings back an attractive girl then he will commence his training . Right at the same moment a new character appears and his name is Kuririn who is practically has the same perverted mind as Kame Sen ' nin . Goku and Kuririn set off to find a girl and luckily they find one called Lunch but the cost of this encounter is whenever Lunch sneezes she changes personality and becomes this evil criminal . Now that the task has been accomplished , the training begins and it is one of the toughest training that Goku and Kuririn has been put through in their life but over the course of months , it becomes undemanding for them and Kame Sen ' nin tells them that they can compete for the Tenkaichi Budokai tournament . The best fighters around the world come and compete for this title and only eight make it to the finals . Goku and Kuririn are excited about it but apprehensive since Kame Sen ' nin didn 't teach them any moves just their constant exercise regiment . What they do not realize is thanks to his training , they feel extremely light weight making them run faster and jump higher . They feel less pain in battle and quick to react to attacks . Having these skills will make them fierce in the competition . While everyone laugh at how they are small children , in the end they make to be one of the 8 finalist . Amongst the finalist we get to meet Yamcha again and the whole gang but surprisingly Kame Sen ' nin is missing . Now that they have made it into the finals , the battle will begin and this Jackie Chun who is competing looks awfully familiar . Will Goku win this tournament ? Will Jackie Chun kick his butt ? Until next time when the library notifies me about Vol . 4 - 8 on Dragon Ball . Posted by This manga leaves off right where the first volume left off which is Goku and Bulma are trying to capture the 6th dragon ball but unfortunately a new problem has arrived for these adventurers . The 6th dragon ball is located inside a castle in Fry - Pan Mountain that is surrounded by fire . Everyone who knows about the famous mountain avoids it at all cost because the Ox King who rules the mountain has been known for killing those who trespassed his land . Goku and Bulma meets this Ox King named Gyū - Maō who unfortunately hasn 't been able to enter his castle since he is not able to put out the flames . He was about to kill them but then found out that Goku has met Kame Sen ' nin who is the Ox King master . He tells them that if they could find his master , he will be able to put out the fire and give them the dragon ball . At first you may think how does this old man strong enough to put out the fire ? Well you see apparently he has drink the immortality elixir and when he wants to fight or use super strength he changes from a fat little old man to super buff macho old man and we get to see the first Kamehameha which is an energy beam created by ones who hands and strength and you are able to project it and destroy whatever is in front of you . Only the most dedicated and trained masters can accomplish this power . Fortunately for Goku , he is able to create a small one by watching Kame Sen ' nin and wants to train with him so that one day he can be more powerful . At first Kame Sen ' nin laughs at Goku until he realizes that his grandfather was Kame Sen ' nin # 1 apprentice . After they solve that problem , Goku , Bulma and Oolong are off towards the west to find the final dragon ball and we get to see the encounters of different cities and villains that come their way and luckily with Goku they are able to kick ass and more on . Unfortunately while they were getting closer to the final dragon ball , Emperor Pilaf has been waiting for them to arrive and steals all the dragon balls . The gang track his location but fall into a trap and now they need to find a way to break out and retrieve the dragon ball before he summons the dragon . What I really love about this volume is it answers tons of the questions I had about these characters like Goku 's tail , the Kamehameha , and countless others that popped up during the series . Since I never saw the show from the beginning I simply accepted these confusing questions and move on . Luckily now I am able to understand this series and relieving a tiny part of my childhood . I am excited what is going to happen now and Goku 's training with Master Roshi . P . S . If you have only seen Dragon Ball Z , this specific volume provides you info on who becomes Goku 's wife and countless others who will become important later on . I remember Dragon Ball and Dragon Ball Z vividly as a child . When I was a little boy , my parents did not have cable television but instead we had an antenna that would get some of the local channels . I remember one early morning I woke up around 5 AM while my parents were asleep and I simply got out of bed and walked to the television and turned it on . Whatever channel my parents had left it on previously had appear and with it came Dragon Ball Z and Sailor Moon . I did not know the plot , the characters , or the storyline and yet I was entranced by the animation and the whole aspect of this iconic series . Even though my parents got extremely upset I was oblivious of it all and became an early fan of animation . Dragon Ball was written first and it deals primarily about Goku as a kid and how he is introduced to the Dragon Balls . Dragon Ball Z deals with Goku as an adult with kids and dealing with so many villains and deadly battles . Dragon Ball , Vol . 1 : The Monkey King , introduces us into this world similar to Earth but instead we got all paranormal , supernatural , aliens , and other weird creatures that inhabits the land with Humans . We are then immediately introduced to a boy name Goku whose an orphan since his parents disappear and his grandfather passed away . He lives in the wild and has never been raised on modern technology so naturally he hunts for his food , catches leaves to make his bed and other wildlife activities . While he is a young boy in fact he is not ordinarily for you see he has a tail attached to his butt and he has super strength with kung fu training . One day while hunting for food , he witness a car almost running him over and thinking that it is a demon he attacks and destroys the car . Then a girl pops out of the car and causes a fuss but finds it weird how this boy destroyed the car , has a tail , and has never seen a human being before let alone a girl and tells Goku that her name is Bulma . His grandfather taught Goku that if he is ever in the presence of a female that he must be nice to them . So as a warming introduction he brings her to his house and she goes crazy when she sees a dragon ball which Goku calls it grandpa . After a stressful encounter over the dragon ball , Bulma shows Goku two extra dragon balls that she has in her possession and tells him the whole Chinese folk tale of the Dragon Ball . Apparently there are these 7 Dragon Balls that are very shining and has stars on each one of them ( 1 - 7 ) and if you capture all 7 dragon balls then a Dragon will appear and will grant one wish to your hearts desire . Goku loves the idea of the story and really wants to witness a dragon so he tags alone with Bulma as she tracks and captures the other dragon balls ( but he refuses to give away his grandfather 's dragon ball ) . One thing that Bulma left out is it has been over hundreds of years since the dragon balls have been found and once you grant the wish , all the dragon balls get scrambled all over the world and then it becomes an impossible mission to retrieve them all over again . So now that they are working together , they are off on an adventure quest to retrieve all the 7 Dragon Balls . Through the course of the book we get to meet characters who do not seem important at the moment but will later appear in the series and in fact become a vital part into the Dragon Ball Z series . The illustrations are phenomenal and the storyline is amazing . I was surprised how quick they have captured so many dragon balls in the course of the first volume but now I am curious how these series will pan out before we are dived into Dragon Ball Z . I remember the show being funny between the sarcasm and the jokes among the characters and in the manga it was absolutely hilarious because Goku is oblivious and innocent when it comes to girls and technology and you can see how frustrating it is for Bulma to deal with him and I love their chemistry even though Bulma can be annoying at times . I am definitely onboard towards continuing this manga series and maybe I will rewatch the anime show at the same time . This will ultimately be one of the best books I have encountered in my life . The characters , the writing , the themes , locations , and references in this book are phenomenal and this particular story left me utterly speechless . I saw the movie version and had the ending ruined for me but even though it was ruined , I didn 't give it much notice because this book in both metaphysical and literally aspects were astounding . He is nervous about Highschool and sadly he has no friends because his only best friend committed suicide and people find him weird and strange . Luckily he meets these two Seniors , Sam and Patrick , who change his world and inspire him to be himself and participate outside his comfort zone . It is a coming of age book and you get to see how in a course of an year how much Charlie changes and I loved the way he wrote his letters and his train of thought . I have never smoke , done recreational drugs , drink alcohol or any of this illegally activities that teenagers do when they go to Highschool . I don 't approve in participating in these habits but I didn 't feel disturbed by Charlie 's " activities " . What made me get very emotional was how I could relate a lot to Charlie and understand the way he writes and why he feels the way he feels , and how unique and delicate he is when he comes to expressing emotions or thoughts . Charlie reminds me of a flower , unique , beautiful , and fragile . I need to bow down to Stephen Chbosky for this book and how he perfectly fitted the parallels between the readers and Charlie . When reading this , I started thinking about this book in a philosophical way and experiencing Charlie 's world vividly and in detailed . When it comes to Charlie , he is a pure filter , experiencing everything new for the first time , and showing how Charlie is human and someone who is innocent and not tainted by society . I thought of that concept half way through and I love it how when Charlie 's reads Fountainhead , he doesn 't read it for what it is but accepted the role of filtering the book through his life experiences and discovering different ideas and point of view that he had never thought before and how in every book he reads , he always find something philosophical and nostalgic . I don 't like how many people compare Charlie to Holden because they are two completely different characters . Holden is a pure selfish brat whereas Charlie was genuine and couldn 't fake his emotions . Plus I didn 't mind that Charlie cried for a lot of things because I remember when I was younger and till this day I still do it which is when I admire something beautiful in my life whether it be books , art , music , dance , theatre , when I capture what is beautiful in my eyes , I want to live in the moment and I get overwhelm with emotions and cry and I believe that for Charlie , crying was an outlet of expressing his emotions but opening himself up to what 's happening in front of him and letting him be human without repressing anything . The ending shouldn 't come for a shock for anyone because the way he writes , it is plainly clear that something is not right with him . I can ramble on and on and on and I wish I could write forever about this book because it honestly impacted me in ways that currently I cannot process at the moment . I am so grateful for this book and the movie did a faithful adaptation which I 'm glad because I LOVE THE MOVIE ! ! ! ! Ted : The year was 2014 , and by now I already fell in love with your mother , Aunt Robin was married to Uncle Neil , and life could not get any better ! Until Uncle Neil took the time out of his busy life to write his own autobiography . Along the way he discovered that he is not the only famous person in the planet that has written their own life story . He figured being the Legend - wait for it - dary person that he truly is , discovered that as a child , he loved reading those choose your own adventures stories where you get to play the main character and get to decide your fate in the storyline , hopefully you would choose the correct path but most times than not you made the bad choices that ruined the fate of your character . So with using his creative mind , he decided to make the reader a . k . a You as Neil Patrick Harris and hopefully you choose the correct path to fame and stardom or ended up working at Subways wishing the life that you could have lived . You learn that he grew up in New Mexico , he pursued theater at a very young age , and is incredibly lucky when it comes to how fate dealt the cards for him . Everyone encouraged him to pursue acting in a performing arts high school but refuse the sacrificed that his family and friends will struggle . So instead he attended a prestigious summer camp which the director of the event would later give him his lucky break with first film with none other than Whoopi Goldberg ! ! Ted : Oh yea thats right you live in the 21st century ! You guys make me feel old . The woman who played in Sister Act as that fake nun , and that crazy psychic in Ghost ? Won an Oscar ? Ring a bell . . . ? ? Ted : Um . . . Anyway , Neil got a taste of the acting virus and could not get enough of it . After a few years and getting more experience in the entertainment business , he lands on his first major role of a lifetime as Doogie Howser ! Back to my story , after the show was sadly cancelled , Neil explored and indulge the life of a teen idol . He partied with other famous teenagers such as Ed Alonzo , the handsome Stephen Dorff , and countless others . He even witness the spoil brat Shannon Doherty going bat ( bleep ) crazy in the club with another girl . After many insane moments , Neil called it quits to the LA scene and decided to explore other career options . At the same token , Neil had discovered that he was different from all his friends and family members . He discovered early on that he did not like girls and instead love boys . It was a confusing time for his upbringing but along the way in this incredible journey called life , he discovered his true identity and even met the love of his life known as Uncle David / Scooter . It was a difficult time being teen idol yet he was a young adult by the time Doogie was finished . He did many made - for - tv movies but wanted to discover again the root of his passion for acting which was theater . He embarked on some life changing experiences while touring in musicals and has many crazy / amazing / sexual memories on these events in his book . Ted : How many times do I have tell you guys . . . Our life is real as it can be , but when I met your mother and discover what an epic adventure it was , I wrote the pilot script and submitted it to CBS and they developed my life story into a sitcom . Obviously they had to change a few characters name like Uncle Neil , and he could not reprised himself and live through that Legen - wait for it - dary period of his life so instead we hired his evil twin Dr . Horrible . Uncle Neil was finally high on life . He had discovered his life partner , was on a hit sitcom show , and life could not get any better . He hosted a few awards show like the Emmys , Oscars , and made hit breaking records at the Tonys . He learned that coming out to the media could be career ending but luckily nobody couldn 't care less about who he slept with and at the end of the day we love him as Barney . No one could deny that truth . After nine wonderful seasons of HIMYM , he began researching a challenging role to act on Broadway and was offered the title role of Hedwig And The Angry Itch . It was a charming and exciting experience for it and one of the most difficult roles to play both physically and psychological . With all the hard work in place was rewarded with benefits and it won him the Tony for Best Actor . There is so much in this book that I cannot do it justice . You learn secret hobbies and passions of Neil such as magic , the journey to fatherhood , and the incredible people that he has encounter on this path to fame . I love Uncle Neil and is one of the best role models of someone who is happy , loved , and is not afraid to try new experiences and experience life with open hands . Sadly I had to read the book without choosing an adventure because it drives me nuts not knowing if I have read every page of the book and do not like the whole going back and forth from childhood to adulthood in 3 secs . I highly recommend this book for you kids and everyone on planet Earth ! Until next time ! Kids : No , I don 't buy it ! That is not the reason you made us listen to this . Ted : Oh really ? Then what is the reason ? Kids : Lets look at the facts here . You mean us to sit down and listen to the story of how awesome Uncle Neil is and how he wrote a " Choose Your Own Autobiography " when it is your lame attempt to avoid the announcement that you and Aunt Robin are getting married ? Yet Aunt Robin is barely in the story . This is you trying to beat around the bush with telling us that you are in love with Robin after our mother passed away . Dad we are perfectly fine and you should marry her . Now that I am well rested to give this review a coherent thought , I found this book to be beautifully written and drawn even though it has depressing undertones . I loved everything about the book from the story , the characters , plot , and illustrations and I realized at the same time that this book is definitely not for everyone . I believe if you do not come from a religious upbringing or town , you won 't exactly understand what is going through Craig 's mind both emotionally and spiritually throughout his upbringing . Craig , our main character is the oldest brother in the family and we get an early glimpse of his childhood and how creative and innocent he is with his brother when they used to share the same bed . Even though he 's about 10 - 12 years old , he still acts like a 5 year old who believes in the Easter Bunny . He comes from a christian and very religious family and they have been teaching him about Jesus and taking him to Church ever since he was little . As a child he accepts everything that his parents and pastor tells him about God and Jesus without questioning . But as the years ago we get to see the loss of innocence in Craig or rather a passage to adulthood in my opinion . As a senior in highschool , he is constantly bullied because 1 . He is not into sports so the guys make it seem like he 's a sissy . 2 . He loves to draw and for many that makes him seem like a " Faggot " 3 . He 's not very social . Every year after christmas , his parents sends him to this bible winter camp where he gets to socialize with other teenagers , participate in concerts singing songs only about Jesus , and practically worship God and Jesus 24 / 7 . Clearly Craig has never liked it as a child because the same mean bullies would attend these events and he would like to get away from it all . But this time things are different , he meets other kids who aren 't exactly part of the norm of society , wearing gothic and grunge clothing that makes them look like outsiders . One girl in particular Raina attracts Craig from the start and from the very beginning a relationship starts to bloom . At the time he didn 't have a clue what to do with his life , he believed that his drawings were a sin as a distraction from God and being around Raina , she made him feel special . He found her to be absolutely beautiful and a distraction from the madness of his life . During that same time I feel like Craig had a spiritual awakening when he realized that this type of mass production to Christianity feels like brainwash and while he praises Jesus and Gods teaching , he doesn 't like it how these close - minded people behave . When that event happens , it practically becomes the main struggle for Craig as he challenges his faith and decides whether to accept what he has been taught since a child or deviate from the norm and become an intellectual making ones own independent thoughts . For me this book resonated close to home especially for Craig 's struggles . I grew up attending church religiously because my mother is Catholic and my father is Baptist . He played the organ in his church so I would have to wake up extremely early to attend his rehearsals before the service , watch the service , and then attend Sunday School . I loved everything about the service minus Sunday School . For me it wasn 't the teachers I had a problem , it was the simple fact that I felt like I was going to school for a few hours and I already hated public school so why does religious school going to make that better ? My mother even though she is Catholic , she doesn 't attend church much and after my parents divorce I barely attended church for a few years which I think was the right thing to do because at the end of the day your kid needs to explore life , make friendships , explore and connect with nature instead of being shoved with religious teachings every day of every week . Then my family put me into the Catholic Church to get my communion and confirmation and for the first few years I really enjoyed it . The teachers were very humble and loving individuals , never showing hate only love and what helped also was the nuns and priest who were very kind and available to any religious discussions with an open mind . As I got older and accepted my sexual identity , the inner conflict that I struggled for a short time was am I going to hell because I 'm gay ? Will my family abandon me because of these perverted thoughts ? It was such a confusing time and it didn 't help that there wasn 't any gay people in my life to show me that everything will be okay . Then I got an epiphany and realize if God has created everything from the universe to man , then that means he created me just as I am because if he hated gay people then we would all be straight . After that occurring thought , my mind opened up to the wonders of the universe and as an artist , I decided to be open - minded when it comes to religion , art , culture , and becoming a better human being . Today I believe in God , Jesus , and their teachings but I do not like to subjugated into one domination of religion . I accept everyones belief and do not cause harm to others or try to convert other people . I believe as human beings , we are always striving towards a better life and a better world so if you do not inflict harm to others and live a happier life with or without religion then I bow down to you . I believe having these similar thoughts as Craig is what made him open up and realize the ignorance of his youth . It was very sad the way things ended but at the end of the day I believe he is living a richer life being open to new experiences and new encounters in life . The illustrations of this book is spot on and absolutely stunning . It captured my attention right away and sucked me into another world and even though it is a long book , you forget about the pages and easily realize you 've read 100 pages within 30 minutes . I believe Craig Thompson has the potential to be currently one of greatest graphic novel story tellers of the 21st Century and I will be definitely be checking out his other works . Before I go complete fanboy on this book let me give a short simple summary without giving any spoilers away . Anna and the French Kiss is about a girl named Anna , born and raised in Atlanta , Georgia who is getting excited for Senior Year except her father who is international bestseller author ( Think of Nicholas Sparks ) decides to send her off to boarding school in Paris , France . FREAKING PARIS HOLY SH ^ T . She is royally pissed because she doesn 't know any french and by leaving to Europe that means she is not going to spend her final year with her best friend and this boy she is drooling over . She argues and fights with her parents but at the end of the day she gets on that plane to Paris . She feels isolated at first but meets these amazing people and instantly become great friends . One in particular , a boy named Étienne St . Clair , is American / British / French guy who is charming , smart , beautiful , funny , and taken . Anna is great just to have him as a friend but soon enough she falls in love with him and does not know what to do ! Will she express these feelings ? Will St . Clair reciprocate these feelings of love to Anna ? Who knows ! Can I just start off and say that these brand new book covers are absolutely stunning ! I heard about this book so much in the book tube community and believed that this was going to be puppy love story meant for 12 years olds ! I WAS SO WRONG IN SO MANY WAYS PRAISE JESUS ! ! I traveled to Paris this summer and I knew I was going to enjoy this book because I love revisiting places that I have traveled and when reading this book , I felt as though I was back in Paris and knew all the locations of where Anna explored with Étienne and her friends . Stephanie Perkins does not go into full blown details to help pictured about Paris but gave it a little spark and glamor which to me made it feel home . What I admire most about this book is that its very quick in the beginning and never a moment of boredom . I would be reading this book and forget about the time and not realize that I easily read 100 pages in just a few hours . With that mentality alone made it a great book for me and the characters were hilarious and believable . I felt like these characters were real and by making them believable made the storyline heart warming , original , and unique . I still do not know how Anna could complain about traveling to Europe . I would switch places with you in a heart beat to live for 9 months in Paris compared to my 3 day trip ! Shame on you , Anna ! I honestly can say that I have never been in a relationship and when that glorious special someone comes to my life , I hope I can have that unique , powerful , heart melting experiences like Anna does with Étienne . Stephanie Perkins made this characters with imperfections whether it be in their personality or their family life . Everyone on this planet comes with problems that we can all relate to and by showcasing that into this book made me fall in love with Étienne ! I remember Anna telling Étienne that we did not choose our parents and that is exactly right because even though I am grateful for all that my mother sacrificed for me , there are moments that I want to disassociate with everyone in my family . Even with Étienne 's imperfections , he is perfect in my eyes and wished he was my soulmate . I have a lot of issues that I need to resolve whether in my family life , or in myself to even beginning to find romance and true love . I constantly tell people even if I meet Prince Charming tomorrow , and he is the perfect boyfriend in the world , the relationship would not work out because I need to deal with my insecurities and issues so that way I can be my true self and loving individual instead of impatient , jealous , not trusting , crazy boyfriend . A great example of someone who is struggling this is Anna . Anna is completely oblivious in the beginning but when she realizes that she is in love with Étienne , she became this stupid , impatient , and crazy person . I know love makes you do crazy things but damn girl you need to take a chill pill . I understand her frustrations with this whole dilemma but its like before she realized her feelings , she was normal , and then now she is making all these mistakes which in turn screws up everything that she has worked hard for in this loving relationship with Étienne . This book left me speechless and took me by surprise with everything that characters experience during these 9 months of adventure in the city of love and romance . You can actually see the progress these characters make during this journey of friendship and romance and I love how realistic Anna & Étienne relationships turns out to be in the end . I do not take relationship advice or aspire these unbelievable relationships in books but I would want my love experience to be similar to these characters . These characters go through major crap because they accept the love they believe they deserved and that is not true . People are beautiful inside and out , and they should have the best relationships in the planet but sadly they are taken for granted . Also we as individuals take time to process what we truly need in our life , what we need to disassociate , and what must be done so that way we are closer to happier and brighter life . I realize that at the end of the day in order to have a successful relationship , I have to be friends first and develop this sense of trust and openness in order to succeed in life and taking chances . I admire Stephanie Perkins for this fantastic book and I wish she made sequels progressing Anna 's life . It would have been amazing to do the college years , getting married , having children and dying old . That would have been a great series , and I do not think I am going to read the other sequels , maybe the final one because Anna and the rest of the cast are either mention or in the final book . This book was absolutely beautiful and I do not know how to give this review any justice to what life - altering experience I just went through over this weekend . I picked up this book from my bookshelf randomly after watching booktube videos and placing my book order from B & N and I never believed that I would actually finish it let alone get past twenty pages within the 1st reading . I WAS SO WRONG ! ! ! ! I have never seen any reviews for this book , read the synopsis or find anything to give me insight into this novel and I started reading it blindly and I believe that is the way it should be . I fell in love with the book within the first hour and I seriously could not put it down . Every time I was preoccupied with something in my daily life , my mind would flashback towards Aristotle & Dante and wondering what happen to them as though they had always been my long - term friends . It feels like my life did not exist before this book and for the rest of my life I feel like I did not have a life before this book came into my possession . I cannot consider this to be an actual novel , I believe this book is life and how difficult it is for every individual having hard times whether it be family drama , sexual identity , or simply accepting love and giving love to others . I could relate to both Aristotle and Dante and I believe I share both halves of their personality . Aristotle reminds me of myself whenever I had low self - confidence in myself , the doubts that I carry when it comes to love , and how courageous he is when it comes to defending the ones he loved . Dante reminds me of the intellectual side of myself , always being positive , curious about the world , and always being straightforward when it comes to the truth and ones own feelings . I am born into pure American / Cuban household and I felt the same emotions and share the same experiences with these characters as they struggle to find a place in this world and a place in their culture because they both feel like they are outsiders . This author spoke to me in ways that I thought were not possible and he took me on this beautiful journey which feels unrealistic because no one in my personal life realize what I have just experienced these last two days with this book . I have this habit and I do speak out publicly to people about it but whenever I encounter a book , tv show , movie , or any form of art that has seriously changed my life , I keep it to myself . I do not tell anyone about my encounters because I believe if I share these with people then it loses its specialty and then I do not feel like the author of these works is speaking to me directly . I know its sounds weird and insane but I like to feel special . If everyone reads the same books and watches the same films then we all have the same opinions and no originality . Obvious I know thousands of people have read this book but those thousands are a number to me and instead I felt like the author wrote this book specifically for me . This book has a plot but I believe it does not have a plot at the same time . We see the story through Aristotle 's point of view but I truly felt like I was part of the story and this book became a film in my head . That doesn 't happen often when it comes to books but whenever I feel like this I truly cherish it to my heart . This takes place in 1987 , we meet Aristotle who is very lonely , sad all the time and does not how to cope with these feelings that are inside of him . Sadly what doesn 't help is his father fought in Vietnam and came back as a changed man and does not reveal anything about the war and all the pain and death that he witnessed . Because of this he doesn 't communicate well with Aristotle and while Aristotle has older siblings who live on their own , a ghost lurks around the house and the topic of this ghost is unspeakable within the family . Aristotle has an older brother named Bernardo who went to prison when he was little and he doesn 't know why he went to prison and his parents treat this situation as though Bernardo is dead to them . No pictures hang around the house and it hurts Aristotle to not know the truth about what happen to his brother . Then one day during the summer , Aristotle goes to the public pool which unfortunately he does not know how to swim . While he is trying to float above the water , he meets another boy named Dante who asks him whether he wants to learn how to swim . From that day forwarded , their lives are forever changed for the better . Aristotle never had a best friend before and he doesn 't understand why Dante likes hanging around with him . Because Dante is an intellectual , he is seen as an outsider and a weirdo and he suffers too from having no friends except for Aristotle . Immediately they have great chemistry and develop a friendship that I wished I had in my upbringing because it was so pure and innocent and special . I felt like the world was finally in motion when they were together and it made me forget the troubles I have in my current life . What I love about this book too is that family played a major role . The parents weren 't treated as secondary characters and instead they always knew what was going on between Aristotle & Dante and they never got in the way of their kids and let them enjoy life and find love on their own . I love how supportive the parents were and I believe we need more parents like them . This book had me turning the pages at 100 mph because Dante discovered his sexual identity quicker than Aristotle and already came into the conclusion that he was in love with Aristotle . For Aristotle though for a quick second I believed he was actually straight because the way he acted half way into the book and I was going to be so heartbroken if he didn 't end up with Dante . At the time I found it difficult to understand how Aristotle could be in denial about his emotions towards Dante but then I realize that I wasn 't like him in my upbringing . I am very much like Dante in the sense that I discovered extremely early on in my life that I liked boys and I am straightforward when it comes to my emotions and accepting how I truly feel about a person . That is me but I realize now that there are millions of kids , teenagers , and even adults who have a hard time to realize how they truly feel about a person and even a harder journey towards accepting themselves and the love they deserve . Having this book taking place in 1987 is perfect because it takes us back to a simpler time whereas now our countless technology and social media handicaps our society and youth . These characters got to explore the outdoors , the stars , and learned how to be cultural and finding comfort in art and literature . If this was taking place now in the 21st century I believe it would be more melodramatic with teenage drama and would feel unbelievable . I am speechless when it comes to Aristotle & Dante and I believe there are not enough words to write how mind - blowing , beautiful , and creative this book was and giving it a 5 star rating does not give it justice . These words I write do not give it justice to how magical this inspirational story has become in my personal life . I feel so heartbroken right now because I feel like I was sent to another world , another time and no one except my Goodreads family will understand what I just experience and the power literature has on its readers . Once again I love this book and I wish it was Friday night again and to experience what it was like reading this book for the very first time . Thank you . Before I begin I just got to say that Ernest Cline and I have crossed paths too many times without my realization that somehow I was destined to read this book . I didn 't know he was a spoken word poet and he is best friends with Cristin O ' Keefe Aptowicz who is one of my favorite Spoken Word poets . Then the day the book was released she made it a big deal on Facebook and instead of buying the book I simply continued scrolling on with is pretty much what you do on Facebook . Then I saw the book at the store one day and didn 't bother to buy it because I believed I was going to hate it ( thats called being lazy and not reading the descriptions ) . Then years go by and I see that more and more people are reading this book and loving it especially the BookTube community and I decide to check it out from the library . You would think that I would start reading it immediately but nope I became extremely annoyed because I didn 't like that the page was huge and the font was small so it would take longer to read the book . So then I decide to buy the book at B & N and did I read the book ? Not a chance because I didn 't feel the flow of interest within the first page . Excuses , Excuses , and Excuses until finally a year later I decide to read it because I found out that one of my all time favorite directors , Steven Spielberg is directing this movie so he now has my attention and I wondered this book has to be epic and challenging for him to be on this project and I was definitely right . This book is epic and hopefully one of the best films added to the already mind - blowing films of Steven Spielberg . I do not think I can give this book a proper review but I will try to by bringing out my inner geek . 1 . You must be a product or byproduct of the 70 - 80s . < i > ( My parents grew up in the 70 - 80s and had me in the 90s ) < / i > ✔️ 2 . You must have played or watched video games within the last 40 years . < i > ( I own every console starting chronologically from Super NES to the Wii ) < / i > ✔️ 3 . You must like 80s culture . 80s cartoons , movies , fashion , music , television , cars , anything from 1980 - 1989 . If you were a child / teenager during this era then you are excluded from this rule . < i > ( I worship the 80s even though the fashion choices of people could tell me otherwise ) < / i > ✔️ Welcome to 2044 ! Just to let you know the Earth has gone to shit . All the oil in the world has been completely depleted and because of lack of innovation and relying on other forms of electricity we have practically entered the Dark Ages . Remember that thing where people didn 't believe in Global Warming ? Well , the funny thing is that Global Warming is definitely real , all the polar ice caps have melted and because the weather is going from one extreme to the next , countless countries are suffering poverty , famine , diseases , and lack of stable jobs that could support a family . For most of the population of the United States , families live in stacks which are trailer homes stacked up one on top of the other which is really dangerous . But If you are super duper rich then this whole dilemma doesn 't apply to you but for the masses its basically survival . If this world has gone to the dumps whats the purpose being staying alive ? The answer is . . . Oasis is a console that was created by James Halliday and Ogden Morrow from Gregarious Simulation Systems ( GSS ) . Originally it was supposed to be meant for virtual reality video games but now it has taken a life of its own . You can create an avatar and maintain a level of anonymity . Many students attend school , and parents work in Oasis all in the comfort of their own living room . You can practically do anything in Oasis , from playing video games , watch movies / television to having sexual favors with other virtual avatars . Plus this whole virtual universe was free for everyone . You got the console , the visor , and the gloves for free all you had to pay was one time fee of $ 0 . 25 cents . This revolutionized the concept of gaming and sadly the consequence we paid for was our humanity . Since we can do everything in virtual reality , people stop leaving their homes , get obese , and isolate themselves in Oasis . Because of the world has gone to kaput why bother confronting with reality when you have a device that can temporarily erase all your sadness . Now back to the creators of Oasis . James Halliday and Ogden Morrow are the Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak of Video Games . James Halliday and Ogden Morrow met when they are in high school and together started their own company of video games . They made millions over the upcoming decades and when Oasis was sold to the public they became billionaires . Halliday was the creator and designer of these devices whereas Ogden dealt with the business side of GSS . Sadly they ended their friendship in bad terms and haven 't spoken to one another for over a decade . Then tragedy struck for the whole world . Halliday died from an illness in 2039 . The whole world mourn him for about two - seconds because he left a surprise that would shock the world . Knowing that he was dying he wanted to leave in a big bang and made a whole video that would become the plot of this story . In the video called Anorak 's Invitation ( Anorak was Halliday 's wizard avatar ) , he announces that his entire fortune in the amount of $ 240 billion dollars will be put into Oasis for anyone to receive . Since he never married and had children it was pointless giving the money to charity and wanted to have one last fun for his legacy . In order to receive this prize , you need to get all three keys ( which are copper , jade , and crystal ) in order to receive the easter egg . That sounds quite simple right ? Well , he tells everyone in the video what is the first clue and now we jump forward to 2044 and still no one has figured out the first clue . At first every one was going crazy for that egg but now that 5 years have past , practically the media and everyone else believes that the egg doesn 't exist . What also helps is Halliday created Anorak 's almanac which is guide to everything about the 80s because Halliday was a teenager during that decade and believed that it was one of the greatest decades in our society . Now that he has dead , everything about the 80s has resurfaced and everyone believes by studying 80s culture they can be one step closer towards finding that egg . Now we meet our narrator . Wade Owens Watts ( W . O . W ) / Wade3 / Parzival is an 18 year old orphan who lives with his horrible aunt in a trailer . He is fat , has acne , and a fellow Gunter ( A gunter is an egg hunter ) . Ever since he was a toddler he has been using Oasis and worships that console as his escape from reality . Between the nasty aunt and his insecurities he escapes from the trailer and goes into his secret hiding place where he attends virtual school and catches up with 80s arcade games , movies , and tv shows . He is fully dedicated towards finding the egg but sadly he doesn 't have money to afford expensive weapons , armor , or transportation . In order to explore different worlds and perform quests , you need credits to teleport or practically do anything and since he is broke he can only afford going to school which is free and hang out with his virtual reality best friend Aech ( pronounce like the letter H ) . They are both pros on Halliday knowledge , 80s culture and video games and because of their friendship they set new challenges towards competing among each other in different games hoping those skills will come to play in the future . Sure enough it will later pay off . One day during school , Wade sees the mystery clue in a different light and decides to explore his curiosity on potential Copper Key location and sure enough he wins the first copper key . On Halliday 's website , there is a score board listing of the top 10 positions for those who retrieve the first key and become part of the competition . It has been blank all these years until Wade receives the first key and all hell breaks loose in the world . People all around the world are beyond ecstatic that the first key has been found and now the intense race towards finding the three keys have begun . While reading this book I thought this was going to be a simple race with heavy competition and being innocent and naive I forgot that in every story there is a villain . I completely forgot about that minor detail and we have this grand entrance of IOI . IOI ( Innovative Online Industries ) is this company that was created right after the Hunt began and they are practically this fascist group whose sole intension is to win this contest at all cost regardless whether they have to cheat or even murder people to accomplish this goal . They have thousands of avatars working for them at their disposal and scholars on Halliday , video games , and 80s culture to help them figure out the clues . Unfortunately since they cheat and not looking at the right direction they have failed to find the first key until Wade comes into the picture . You would think this was no big deal but unfortunately GSS is at stakes with IOI because if they do win the contest , they will get complete control of Oasis and will charge ridiculous fees and stop making it free . By doing so they will handicap our world and put us into a deeper hole then we can already imagine . So for Wade it is crucial that he wins the contest or any Gunter for that matter . This book left me speechless the entire time . I gave up trying to figure out what would happen next in the story and just enjoy the ride . In the very beginning I found it slow because of the world building and introducing us into Wades world but once he finds the Copper Key the pace becomes faster and exhilarating . I believe the author did this on purpose which got me frustrated but I believe in the end help showcase how exhausting it was that Wade went through 5 years doing never ending research only to find empty handed result which is every time we got one step further in the story , Ernest Cline would take two steps back which in the end help us finding the egg and grow attach to Owen . For Example , when Wade finds the Copper key and gate , he meets another character who would become his love interest in the story . I really didn 't care about his romance in the beginning because for me my main focus was on the contest and not on Owens private life . He is in love with this girl and sure enough she breaks his heart because they have wasted valuable months smooching and not focusing on the Jade key . When he was dealing with his heart break the plot became slow and I honestly could careless about him . No offense to Owen but honestly the world seems like it is going to end and the only way for it to improve is to find that egg and if you put your attention towards solving that egg and a little less on the girlfriend you would be one step closer towards winning that grand prize . I absolutely went head over heals over this book and I am surprise it is not getting the attention it deserves and I believe that will change once the trailer and the movie is released . I am lucky enough to have parents grow up in that era because they provided me deeper insight to the past then the current generations . I love researching the past because we get a better understand of our culture , the mistakes we made and how it affects our future . I am shock how my generation and the future generations do not care about the past and that is why we have all these iconic films being terribly remake * cough cough Footloose remake cough * because that is the only way they will watch it . I seriously hope when this film is released that it will bring nostalgia to those who lived through the 80s and a new interest for the young ones . Even though I didn 't know a lot of this video games I am lucky enough that google help me find videos and photos to understand the game concept and be able to follow along . I highly recommend this book because it was beautiful showcasing this virtual reality world and bring out the inner kid inside us . When I was a little boy my first gaming console I ever played was first Nintendo 64 & PlayStation 1 . I was four years old and my cousin showed me how to use the console and ever since then I learned how to play video games and efficiently without instructions . My parents then bought me the Super NES , every Gameboy known to man , Game Cube , PlayStation 2 , XBOX , XBOX 360 and countless others until the Wii . Sadly by the time I reached high school I stopped playing video games . Between school , rehearsals , music , and studying I was exhausted for anything else and then reading became my new passion . I still drool when looking at the latest consoles and games and wish I had them in my possession but hopefully someday I can reconnect and become an avid gamer again . That is partly why this book brought back so much heart warming memories of my youth and video game experience .
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At first Kame Sen ' nin does not take Goku seriously and tells him if he brings back an attractive girl then he will commence his training . Right at the same moment a new character appears and his name is Kuririn who is practically has the same perverted mind as Kame Sen ' nin . Goku and Kuririn set off to find a girl and luckily they find one called Lunch but the cost of this encounter is whenever Lunch sneezes she changes personality and becomes this evil criminal . Now that the task has been accomplished , the training begins and it is one of the toughest training that Goku and Kuririn has been put through in their life but over the course of months , it becomes undemanding for them and Kame Sen ' nin tells them that they can compete for the Tenkaichi Budokai tournament . The best fighters around the world come and compete for this title and only eight make it to the finals . Goku and Kuririn are excited about it but apprehensive since Kame Sen ' nin didn 't teach them any moves just their constant exercise regiment . What they do not realize is thanks to his training , they feel extremely light weight making them run faster and jump higher . They feel less pain in battle and quick to react to attacks . Having these skills will make them fierce in the competition . While everyone laugh at how they are small children , in the end they make to be one of the 8 finalist . Amongst the finalist we get to meet Yamcha again and the whole gang but surprisingly Kame Sen ' nin is missing . Now that they have made it into the finals , the battle will begin and this Jackie Chun who is competing looks awfully familiar . Will Goku win this tournament ? Will Jackie Chun kick his butt ? Until next time when the library notifies me about Vol . 4 - 8 on Dragon Ball . Posted by This manga leaves off right where the first volume left off which is Goku and Bulma are trying to capture the 6th dragon ball but unfortunately a new problem has arrived for these adventurers . The 6th dragon ball is located inside a castle in Fry - Pan Mountain that is surrounded by fire . Everyone who knows about the famous mountain avoids it at all cost because the Ox King who rules the mountain has been known for killing those who trespassed his land . Goku and Bulma meets this Ox King named Gyū - Maō who unfortunately hasn 't been able to enter his castle since he is not able to put out the flames . He was about to kill them but then found out that Goku has met Kame Sen ' nin who is the Ox King master . He tells them that if they could find his master , he will be able to put out the fire and give them the dragon ball . At first you may think how does this old man strong enough to put out the fire ? Well you see apparently he has drink the immortality elixir and when he wants to fight or use super strength he changes from a fat little old man to super buff macho old man and we get to see the first Kamehameha which is an energy beam created by ones who hands and strength and you are able to project it and destroy whatever is in front of you . Only the most dedicated and trained masters can accomplish this power . Fortunately for Goku , he is able to create a small one by watching Kame Sen ' nin and wants to train with him so that one day he can be more powerful . At first Kame Sen ' nin laughs at Goku until he realizes that his grandfather was Kame Sen ' nin # 1 apprentice . After they solve that problem , Goku , Bulma and Oolong are off towards the west to find the final dragon ball and we get to see the encounters of different cities and villains that come their way and luckily with Goku they are able to kick ass and more on . Unfortunately while they were getting closer to the final dragon ball , Emperor Pilaf has been waiting for them to arrive and steals all the dragon balls . The gang track his location but fall into a trap and now they need to find a way to break out and retrieve the dragon ball before he summons the dragon . What I really love about this volume is it answers tons of the questions I had about these characters like Goku 's tail , the Kamehameha , and countless others that popped up during the series . Since I never saw the show from the beginning I simply accepted these confusing questions and move on . Luckily now I am able to understand this series and relieving a tiny part of my childhood . I am excited what is going to happen now and Goku 's training with Master Roshi . P . S . If you have only seen Dragon Ball Z , this specific volume provides you info on who becomes Goku 's wife and countless others who will become important later on . I remember Dragon Ball and Dragon Ball Z vividly as a child . When I was a little boy , my parents did not have cable television but instead we had an antenna that would get some of the local channels . I remember one early morning I woke up around 5 AM while my parents were asleep and I simply got out of bed and walked to the television and turned it on . Whatever channel my parents had left it on previously had appear and with it came Dragon Ball Z and Sailor Moon . I did not know the plot , the characters , or the storyline and yet I was entranced by the animation and the whole aspect of this iconic series . Even though my parents got extremely upset I was oblivious of it all and became an early fan of animation . Dragon Ball was written first and it deals primarily about Goku as a kid and how he is introduced to the Dragon Balls . Dragon Ball Z deals with Goku as an adult with kids and dealing with so many villains and deadly battles . Dragon Ball , Vol . 1 : The Monkey King , introduces us into this world similar to Earth but instead we got all paranormal , supernatural , aliens , and other weird creatures that inhabits the land with Humans . We are then immediately introduced to a boy name Goku whose an orphan since his parents disappear and his grandfather passed away . He lives in the wild and has never been raised on modern technology so naturally he hunts for his food , catches leaves to make his bed and other wildlife activities . While he is a young boy in fact he is not ordinarily for you see he has a tail attached to his butt and he has super strength with kung fu training . One day while hunting for food , he witness a car almost running him over and thinking that it is a demon he attacks and destroys the car . Then a girl pops out of the car and causes a fuss but finds it weird how this boy destroyed the car , has a tail , and has never seen a human being before let alone a girl and tells Goku that her name is Bulma . His grandfather taught Goku that if he is ever in the presence of a female that he must be nice to them . So as a warming introduction he brings her to his house and she goes crazy when she sees a dragon ball which Goku calls it grandpa . After a stressful encounter over the dragon ball , Bulma shows Goku two extra dragon balls that she has in her possession and tells him the whole Chinese folk tale of the Dragon Ball . Apparently there are these 7 Dragon Balls that are very shining and has stars on each one of them ( 1 - 7 ) and if you capture all 7 dragon balls then a Dragon will appear and will grant one wish to your hearts desire . Goku loves the idea of the story and really wants to witness a dragon so he tags alone with Bulma as she tracks and captures the other dragon balls ( but he refuses to give away his grandfather 's dragon ball ) . One thing that Bulma left out is it has been over hundreds of years since the dragon balls have been found and once you grant the wish , all the dragon balls get scrambled all over the world and then it becomes an impossible mission to retrieve them all over again . So now that they are working together , they are off on an adventure quest to retrieve all the 7 Dragon Balls . Through the course of the book we get to meet characters who do not seem important at the moment but will later appear in the series and in fact become a vital part into the Dragon Ball Z series . The illustrations are phenomenal and the storyline is amazing . I was surprised how quick they have captured so many dragon balls in the course of the first volume but now I am curious how these series will pan out before we are dived into Dragon Ball Z . I remember the show being funny between the sarcasm and the jokes among the characters and in the manga it was absolutely hilarious because Goku is oblivious and innocent when it comes to girls and technology and you can see how frustrating it is for Bulma to deal with him and I love their chemistry even though Bulma can be annoying at times . I am definitely onboard towards continuing this manga series and maybe I will rewatch the anime show at the same time . This will ultimately be one of the best books I have encountered in my life . The characters , the writing , the themes , locations , and references in this book are phenomenal and this particular story left me utterly speechless . I saw the movie version and had the ending ruined for me but even though it was ruined , I didn 't give it much notice because this book in both metaphysical and literally aspects were astounding . He is nervous about Highschool and sadly he has no friends because his only best friend committed suicide and people find him weird and strange . Luckily he meets these two Seniors , Sam and Patrick , who change his world and inspire him to be himself and participate outside his comfort zone . It is a coming of age book and you get to see how in a course of an year how much Charlie changes and I loved the way he wrote his letters and his train of thought . I have never smoke , done recreational drugs , drink alcohol or any of this illegally activities that teenagers do when they go to Highschool . I don 't approve in participating in these habits but I didn 't feel disturbed by Charlie 's " activities " . What made me get very emotional was how I could relate a lot to Charlie and understand the way he writes and why he feels the way he feels , and how unique and delicate he is when he comes to expressing emotions or thoughts . Charlie reminds me of a flower , unique , beautiful , and fragile . I need to bow down to Stephen Chbosky for this book and how he perfectly fitted the parallels between the readers and Charlie . When reading this , I started thinking about this book in a philosophical way and experiencing Charlie 's world vividly and in detailed . When it comes to Charlie , he is a pure filter , experiencing everything new for the first time , and showing how Charlie is human and someone who is innocent and not tainted by society . I thought of that concept half way through and I love it how when Charlie 's reads Fountainhead , he doesn 't read it for what it is but accepted the role of filtering the book through his life experiences and discovering different ideas and point of view that he had never thought before and how in every book he reads , he always find something philosophical and nostalgic . I don 't like how many people compare Charlie to Holden because they are two completely different characters . Holden is a pure selfish brat whereas Charlie was genuine and couldn 't fake his emotions . Plus I didn 't mind that Charlie cried for a lot of things because I remember when I was younger and till this day I still do it which is when I admire something beautiful in my life whether it be books , art , music , dance , theatre , when I capture what is beautiful in my eyes , I want to live in the moment and I get overwhelm with emotions and cry and I believe that for Charlie , crying was an outlet of expressing his emotions but opening himself up to what 's happening in front of him and letting him be human without repressing anything . The ending shouldn 't come for a shock for anyone because the way he writes , it is plainly clear that something is not right with him . I can ramble on and on and on and I wish I could write forever about this book because it honestly impacted me in ways that currently I cannot process at the moment . I am so grateful for this book and the movie did a faithful adaptation which I 'm glad because I LOVE THE MOVIE ! ! ! ! Ted : The year was 2014 , and by now I already fell in love with your mother , Aunt Robin was married to Uncle Neil , and life could not get any better ! Until Uncle Neil took the time out of his busy life to write his own autobiography . Along the way he discovered that he is not the only famous person in the planet that has written their own life story . He figured being the Legend - wait for it - dary person that he truly is , discovered that as a child , he loved reading those choose your own adventures stories where you get to play the main character and get to decide your fate in the storyline , hopefully you would choose the correct path but most times than not you made the bad choices that ruined the fate of your character . So with using his creative mind , he decided to make the reader a . k . a You as Neil Patrick Harris and hopefully you choose the correct path to fame and stardom or ended up working at Subways wishing the life that you could have lived . You learn that he grew up in New Mexico , he pursued theater at a very young age , and is incredibly lucky when it comes to how fate dealt the cards for him . Everyone encouraged him to pursue acting in a performing arts high school but refuse the sacrificed that his family and friends will struggle . So instead he attended a prestigious summer camp which the director of the event would later give him his lucky break with first film with none other than Whoopi Goldberg ! ! Ted : Oh yea thats right you live in the 21st century ! You guys make me feel old . The woman who played in Sister Act as that fake nun , and that crazy psychic in Ghost ? Won an Oscar ? Ring a bell . . . ? ? Ted : Um . . . Anyway , Neil got a taste of the acting virus and could not get enough of it . After a few years and getting more experience in the entertainment business , he lands on his first major role of a lifetime as Doogie Howser ! Back to my story , after the show was sadly cancelled , Neil explored and indulge the life of a teen idol . He partied with other famous teenagers such as Ed Alonzo , the handsome Stephen Dorff , and countless others . He even witness the spoil brat Shannon Doherty going bat ( bleep ) crazy in the club with another girl . After many insane moments , Neil called it quits to the LA scene and decided to explore other career options . At the same token , Neil had discovered that he was different from all his friends and family members . He discovered early on that he did not like girls and instead love boys . It was a confusing time for his upbringing but along the way in this incredible journey called life , he discovered his true identity and even met the love of his life known as Uncle David / Scooter . It was a difficult time being teen idol yet he was a young adult by the time Doogie was finished . He did many made - for - tv movies but wanted to discover again the root of his passion for acting which was theater . He embarked on some life changing experiences while touring in musicals and has many crazy / amazing / sexual memories on these events in his book . Ted : How many times do I have tell you guys . . . Our life is real as it can be , but when I met your mother and discover what an epic adventure it was , I wrote the pilot script and submitted it to CBS and they developed my life story into a sitcom . Obviously they had to change a few characters name like Uncle Neil , and he could not reprised himself and live through that Legen - wait for it - dary period of his life so instead we hired his evil twin Dr . Horrible . Uncle Neil was finally high on life . He had discovered his life partner , was on a hit sitcom show , and life could not get any better . He hosted a few awards show like the Emmys , Oscars , and made hit breaking records at the Tonys . He learned that coming out to the media could be career ending but luckily nobody couldn 't care less about who he slept with and at the end of the day we love him as Barney . No one could deny that truth . After nine wonderful seasons of HIMYM , he began researching a challenging role to act on Broadway and was offered the title role of Hedwig And The Angry Itch . It was a charming and exciting experience for it and one of the most difficult roles to play both physically and psychological . With all the hard work in place was rewarded with benefits and it won him the Tony for Best Actor . There is so much in this book that I cannot do it justice . You learn secret hobbies and passions of Neil such as magic , the journey to fatherhood , and the incredible people that he has encounter on this path to fame . I love Uncle Neil and is one of the best role models of someone who is happy , loved , and is not afraid to try new experiences and experience life with open hands . Sadly I had to read the book without choosing an adventure because it drives me nuts not knowing if I have read every page of the book and do not like the whole going back and forth from childhood to adulthood in 3 secs . I highly recommend this book for you kids and everyone on planet Earth ! Until next time ! Kids : No , I don 't buy it ! That is not the reason you made us listen to this . Ted : Oh really ? Then what is the reason ? Kids : Lets look at the facts here . You mean us to sit down and listen to the story of how awesome Uncle Neil is and how he wrote a " Choose Your Own Autobiography " when it is your lame attempt to avoid the announcement that you and Aunt Robin are getting married ? Yet Aunt Robin is barely in the story . This is you trying to beat around the bush with telling us that you are in love with Robin after our mother passed away . Dad we are perfectly fine and you should marry her . Now that I am well rested to give this review a coherent thought , I found this book to be beautifully written and drawn even though it has depressing undertones . I loved everything about the book from the story , the characters , plot , and illustrations and I realized at the same time that this book is definitely not for everyone . I believe if you do not come from a religious upbringing or town , you won 't exactly understand what is going through Craig 's mind both emotionally and spiritually throughout his upbringing . Craig , our main character is the oldest brother in the family and we get an early glimpse of his childhood and how creative and innocent he is with his brother when they used to share the same bed . Even though he 's about 10 - 12 years old , he still acts like a 5 year old who believes in the Easter Bunny . He comes from a christian and very religious family and they have been teaching him about Jesus and taking him to Church ever since he was little . As a child he accepts everything that his parents and pastor tells him about God and Jesus without questioning . But as the years ago we get to see the loss of innocence in Craig or rather a passage to adulthood in my opinion . As a senior in highschool , he is constantly bullied because 1 . He is not into sports so the guys make it seem like he 's a sissy . 2 . He loves to draw and for many that makes him seem like a " Faggot " 3 . He 's not very social . Every year after christmas , his parents sends him to this bible winter camp where he gets to socialize with other teenagers , participate in concerts singing songs only about Jesus , and practically worship God and Jesus 24 / 7 . Clearly Craig has never liked it as a child because the same mean bullies would attend these events and he would like to get away from it all . But this time things are different , he meets other kids who aren 't exactly part of the norm of society , wearing gothic and grunge clothing that makes them look like outsiders . One girl in particular Raina attracts Craig from the start and from the very beginning a relationship starts to bloom . At the time he didn 't have a clue what to do with his life , he believed that his drawings were a sin as a distraction from God and being around Raina , she made him feel special . He found her to be absolutely beautiful and a distraction from the madness of his life . During that same time I feel like Craig had a spiritual awakening when he realized that this type of mass production to Christianity feels like brainwash and while he praises Jesus and Gods teaching , he doesn 't like it how these close - minded people behave . When that event happens , it practically becomes the main struggle for Craig as he challenges his faith and decides whether to accept what he has been taught since a child or deviate from the norm and become an intellectual making ones own independent thoughts . For me this book resonated close to home especially for Craig 's struggles . I grew up attending church religiously because my mother is Catholic and my father is Baptist . He played the organ in his church so I would have to wake up extremely early to attend his rehearsals before the service , watch the service , and then attend Sunday School . I loved everything about the service minus Sunday School . For me it wasn 't the teachers I had a problem , it was the simple fact that I felt like I was going to school for a few hours and I already hated public school so why does religious school going to make that better ? My mother even though she is Catholic , she doesn 't attend church much and after my parents divorce I barely attended church for a few years which I think was the right thing to do because at the end of the day your kid needs to explore life , make friendships , explore and connect with nature instead of being shoved with religious teachings every day of every week . Then my family put me into the Catholic Church to get my communion and confirmation and for the first few years I really enjoyed it . The teachers were very humble and loving individuals , never showing hate only love and what helped also was the nuns and priest who were very kind and available to any religious discussions with an open mind . As I got older and accepted my sexual identity , the inner conflict that I struggled for a short time was am I going to hell because I 'm gay ? Will my family abandon me because of these perverted thoughts ? It was such a confusing time and it didn 't help that there wasn 't any gay people in my life to show me that everything will be okay . Then I got an epiphany and realize if God has created everything from the universe to man , then that means he created me just as I am because if he hated gay people then we would all be straight . After that occurring thought , my mind opened up to the wonders of the universe and as an artist , I decided to be open - minded when it comes to religion , art , culture , and becoming a better human being . Today I believe in God , Jesus , and their teachings but I do not like to subjugated into one domination of religion . I accept everyones belief and do not cause harm to others or try to convert other people . I believe as human beings , we are always striving towards a better life and a better world so if you do not inflict harm to others and live a happier life with or without religion then I bow down to you . I believe having these similar thoughts as Craig is what made him open up and realize the ignorance of his youth . It was very sad the way things ended but at the end of the day I believe he is living a richer life being open to new experiences and new encounters in life . The illustrations of this book is spot on and absolutely stunning . It captured my attention right away and sucked me into another world and even though it is a long book , you forget about the pages and easily realize you 've read 100 pages within 30 minutes . I believe Craig Thompson has the potential to be currently one of greatest graphic novel story tellers of the 21st Century and I will be definitely be checking out his other works . Before I go complete fanboy on this book let me give a short simple summary without giving any spoilers away . Anna and the French Kiss is about a girl named Anna , born and raised in Atlanta , Georgia who is getting excited for Senior Year except her father who is international bestseller author ( Think of Nicholas Sparks ) decides to send her off to boarding school in Paris , France . FREAKING PARIS HOLY SH ^ T . She is royally pissed because she doesn 't know any french and by leaving to Europe that means she is not going to spend her final year with her best friend and this boy she is drooling over . She argues and fights with her parents but at the end of the day she gets on that plane to Paris . She feels isolated at first but meets these amazing people and instantly become great friends . One in particular , a boy named Étienne St . Clair , is American / British / French guy who is charming , smart , beautiful , funny , and taken . Anna is great just to have him as a friend but soon enough she falls in love with him and does not know what to do ! Will she express these feelings ? Will St . Clair reciprocate these feelings of love to Anna ? Who knows ! Can I just start off and say that these brand new book covers are absolutely stunning ! I heard about this book so much in the book tube community and believed that this was going to be puppy love story meant for 12 years olds ! I WAS SO WRONG IN SO MANY WAYS PRAISE JESUS ! ! I traveled to Paris this summer and I knew I was going to enjoy this book because I love revisiting places that I have traveled and when reading this book , I felt as though I was back in Paris and knew all the locations of where Anna explored with Étienne and her friends . Stephanie Perkins does not go into full blown details to help pictured about Paris but gave it a little spark and glamor which to me made it feel home . What I admire most about this book is that its very quick in the beginning and never a moment of boredom . I would be reading this book and forget about the time and not realize that I easily read 100 pages in just a few hours . With that mentality alone made it a great book for me and the characters were hilarious and believable . I felt like these characters were real and by making them believable made the storyline heart warming , original , and unique . I still do not know how Anna could complain about traveling to Europe . I would switch places with you in a heart beat to live for 9 months in Paris compared to my 3 day trip ! Shame on you , Anna ! I honestly can say that I have never been in a relationship and when that glorious special someone comes to my life , I hope I can have that unique , powerful , heart melting experiences like Anna does with Étienne . Stephanie Perkins made this characters with imperfections whether it be in their personality or their family life . Everyone on this planet comes with problems that we can all relate to and by showcasing that into this book made me fall in love with Étienne ! I remember Anna telling Étienne that we did not choose our parents and that is exactly right because even though I am grateful for all that my mother sacrificed for me , there are moments that I want to disassociate with everyone in my family . Even with Étienne 's imperfections , he is perfect in my eyes and wished he was my soulmate . I have a lot of issues that I need to resolve whether in my family life , or in myself to even beginning to find romance and true love . I constantly tell people even if I meet Prince Charming tomorrow , and he is the perfect boyfriend in the world , the relationship would not work out because I need to deal with my insecurities and issues so that way I can be my true self and loving individual instead of impatient , jealous , not trusting , crazy boyfriend . A great example of someone who is struggling this is Anna . Anna is completely oblivious in the beginning but when she realizes that she is in love with Étienne , she became this stupid , impatient , and crazy person . I know love makes you do crazy things but damn girl you need to take a chill pill . I understand her frustrations with this whole dilemma but its like before she realized her feelings , she was normal , and then now she is making all these mistakes which in turn screws up everything that she has worked hard for in this loving relationship with Étienne . This book left me speechless and took me by surprise with everything that characters experience during these 9 months of adventure in the city of love and romance . You can actually see the progress these characters make during this journey of friendship and romance and I love how realistic Anna & Étienne relationships turns out to be in the end . I do not take relationship advice or aspire these unbelievable relationships in books but I would want my love experience to be similar to these characters . These characters go through major crap because they accept the love they believe they deserved and that is not true . People are beautiful inside and out , and they should have the best relationships in the planet but sadly they are taken for granted . Also we as individuals take time to process what we truly need in our life , what we need to disassociate , and what must be done so that way we are closer to happier and brighter life . I realize that at the end of the day in order to have a successful relationship , I have to be friends first and develop this sense of trust and openness in order to succeed in life and taking chances . I admire Stephanie Perkins for this fantastic book and I wish she made sequels progressing Anna 's life . It would have been amazing to do the college years , getting married , having children and dying old . That would have been a great series , and I do not think I am going to read the other sequels , maybe the final one because Anna and the rest of the cast are either mention or in the final book . This book was absolutely beautiful and I do not know how to give this review any justice to what life - altering experience I just went through over this weekend . I picked up this book from my bookshelf randomly after watching booktube videos and placing my book order from B & N and I never believed that I would actually finish it let alone get past twenty pages within the 1st reading . I WAS SO WRONG ! ! ! ! I have never seen any reviews for this book , read the synopsis or find anything to give me insight into this novel and I started reading it blindly and I believe that is the way it should be . I fell in love with the book within the first hour and I seriously could not put it down . Every time I was preoccupied with something in my daily life , my mind would flashback towards Aristotle & Dante and wondering what happen to them as though they had always been my long - term friends . It feels like my life did not exist before this book and for the rest of my life I feel like I did not have a life before this book came into my possession . I cannot consider this to be an actual novel , I believe this book is life and how difficult it is for every individual having hard times whether it be family drama , sexual identity , or simply accepting love and giving love to others . I could relate to both Aristotle and Dante and I believe I share both halves of their personality . Aristotle reminds me of myself whenever I had low self - confidence in myself , the doubts that I carry when it comes to love , and how courageous he is when it comes to defending the ones he loved . Dante reminds me of the intellectual side of myself , always being positive , curious about the world , and always being straightforward when it comes to the truth and ones own feelings . I am born into pure American / Cuban household and I felt the same emotions and share the same experiences with these characters as they struggle to find a place in this world and a place in their culture because they both feel like they are outsiders . This author spoke to me in ways that I thought were not possible and he took me on this beautiful journey which feels unrealistic because no one in my personal life realize what I have just experienced these last two days with this book . I have this habit and I do speak out publicly to people about it but whenever I encounter a book , tv show , movie , or any form of art that has seriously changed my life , I keep it to myself . I do not tell anyone about my encounters because I believe if I share these with people then it loses its specialty and then I do not feel like the author of these works is speaking to me directly . I know its sounds weird and insane but I like to feel special . If everyone reads the same books and watches the same films then we all have the same opinions and no originality . Obvious I know thousands of people have read this book but those thousands are a number to me and instead I felt like the author wrote this book specifically for me . This book has a plot but I believe it does not have a plot at the same time . We see the story through Aristotle 's point of view but I truly felt like I was part of the story and this book became a film in my head . That doesn 't happen often when it comes to books but whenever I feel like this I truly cherish it to my heart . This takes place in 1987 , we meet Aristotle who is very lonely , sad all the time and does not how to cope with these feelings that are inside of him . Sadly what doesn 't help is his father fought in Vietnam and came back as a changed man and does not reveal anything about the war and all the pain and death that he witnessed . Because of this he doesn 't communicate well with Aristotle and while Aristotle has older siblings who live on their own , a ghost lurks around the house and the topic of this ghost is unspeakable within the family . Aristotle has an older brother named Bernardo who went to prison when he was little and he doesn 't know why he went to prison and his parents treat this situation as though Bernardo is dead to them . No pictures hang around the house and it hurts Aristotle to not know the truth about what happen to his brother . Then one day during the summer , Aristotle goes to the public pool which unfortunately he does not know how to swim . While he is trying to float above the water , he meets another boy named Dante who asks him whether he wants to learn how to swim . From that day forwarded , their lives are forever changed for the better . Aristotle never had a best friend before and he doesn 't understand why Dante likes hanging around with him . Because Dante is an intellectual , he is seen as an outsider and a weirdo and he suffers too from having no friends except for Aristotle . Immediately they have great chemistry and develop a friendship that I wished I had in my upbringing because it was so pure and innocent and special . I felt like the world was finally in motion when they were together and it made me forget the troubles I have in my current life . What I love about this book too is that family played a major role . The parents weren 't treated as secondary characters and instead they always knew what was going on between Aristotle & Dante and they never got in the way of their kids and let them enjoy life and find love on their own . I love how supportive the parents were and I believe we need more parents like them . This book had me turning the pages at 100 mph because Dante discovered his sexual identity quicker than Aristotle and already came into the conclusion that he was in love with Aristotle . For Aristotle though for a quick second I believed he was actually straight because the way he acted half way into the book and I was going to be so heartbroken if he didn 't end up with Dante . At the time I found it difficult to understand how Aristotle could be in denial about his emotions towards Dante but then I realize that I wasn 't like him in my upbringing . I am very much like Dante in the sense that I discovered extremely early on in my life that I liked boys and I am straightforward when it comes to my emotions and accepting how I truly feel about a person . That is me but I realize now that there are millions of kids , teenagers , and even adults who have a hard time to realize how they truly feel about a person and even a harder journey towards accepting themselves and the love they deserve . Having this book taking place in 1987 is perfect because it takes us back to a simpler time whereas now our countless technology and social media handicaps our society and youth . These characters got to explore the outdoors , the stars , and learned how to be cultural and finding comfort in art and literature . If this was taking place now in the 21st century I believe it would be more melodramatic with teenage drama and would feel unbelievable . I am speechless when it comes to Aristotle & Dante and I believe there are not enough words to write how mind - blowing , beautiful , and creative this book was and giving it a 5 star rating does not give it justice . These words I write do not give it justice to how magical this inspirational story has become in my personal life . I feel so heartbroken right now because I feel like I was sent to another world , another time and no one except my Goodreads family will understand what I just experience and the power literature has on its readers . Once again I love this book and I wish it was Friday night again and to experience what it was like reading this book for the very first time . Thank you . Before I begin I just got to say that Ernest Cline and I have crossed paths too many times without my realization that somehow I was destined to read this book . I didn 't know he was a spoken word poet and he is best friends with Cristin O ' Keefe Aptowicz who is one of my favorite Spoken Word poets . Then the day the book was released she made it a big deal on Facebook and instead of buying the book I simply continued scrolling on with is pretty much what you do on Facebook . Then I saw the book at the store one day and didn 't bother to buy it because I believed I was going to hate it ( thats called being lazy and not reading the descriptions ) . Then years go by and I see that more and more people are reading this book and loving it especially the BookTube community and I decide to check it out from the library . You would think that I would start reading it immediately but nope I became extremely annoyed because I didn 't like that the page was huge and the font was small so it would take longer to read the book . So then I decide to buy the book at B & N and did I read the book ? Not a chance because I didn 't feel the flow of interest within the first page . Excuses , Excuses , and Excuses until finally a year later I decide to read it because I found out that one of my all time favorite directors , Steven Spielberg is directing this movie so he now has my attention and I wondered this book has to be epic and challenging for him to be on this project and I was definitely right . This book is epic and hopefully one of the best films added to the already mind - blowing films of Steven Spielberg . I do not think I can give this book a proper review but I will try to by bringing out my inner geek . 1 . You must be a product or byproduct of the 70 - 80s . < i > ( My parents grew up in the 70 - 80s and had me in the 90s ) < / i > ✔️ 2 . You must have played or watched video games within the last 40 years . < i > ( I own every console starting chronologically from Super NES to the Wii ) < / i > ✔️ 3 . You must like 80s culture . 80s cartoons , movies , fashion , music , television , cars , anything from 1980 - 1989 . If you were a child / teenager during this era then you are excluded from this rule . < i > ( I worship the 80s even though the fashion choices of people could tell me otherwise ) < / i > ✔️ Welcome to 2044 ! Just to let you know the Earth has gone to shit . All the oil in the world has been completely depleted and because of lack of innovation and relying on other forms of electricity we have practically entered the Dark Ages . Remember that thing where people didn 't believe in Global Warming ? Well , the funny thing is that Global Warming is definitely real , all the polar ice caps have melted and because the weather is going from one extreme to the next , countless countries are suffering poverty , famine , diseases , and lack of stable jobs that could support a family . For most of the population of the United States , families live in stacks which are trailer homes stacked up one on top of the other which is really dangerous . But If you are super duper rich then this whole dilemma doesn 't apply to you but for the masses its basically survival . If this world has gone to the dumps whats the purpose being staying alive ? The answer is . . . Oasis is a console that was created by James Halliday and Ogden Morrow from Gregarious Simulation Systems ( GSS ) . Originally it was supposed to be meant for virtual reality video games but now it has taken a life of its own . You can create an avatar and maintain a level of anonymity . Many students attend school , and parents work in Oasis all in the comfort of their own living room . You can practically do anything in Oasis , from playing video games , watch movies / television to having sexual favors with other virtual avatars . Plus this whole virtual universe was free for everyone . You got the console , the visor , and the gloves for free all you had to pay was one time fee of $ 0 . 25 cents . This revolutionized the concept of gaming and sadly the consequence we paid for was our humanity . Since we can do everything in virtual reality , people stop leaving their homes , get obese , and isolate themselves in Oasis . Because of the world has gone to kaput why bother confronting with reality when you have a device that can temporarily erase all your sadness . Now back to the creators of Oasis . James Halliday and Ogden Morrow are the Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak of Video Games . James Halliday and Ogden Morrow met when they are in high school and together started their own company of video games . They made millions over the upcoming decades and when Oasis was sold to the public they became billionaires . Halliday was the creator and designer of these devices whereas Ogden dealt with the business side of GSS . Sadly they ended their friendship in bad terms and haven 't spoken to one another for over a decade . Then tragedy struck for the whole world . Halliday died from an illness in 2039 . The whole world mourn him for about two - seconds because he left a surprise that would shock the world . Knowing that he was dying he wanted to leave in a big bang and made a whole video that would become the plot of this story . In the video called Anorak 's Invitation ( Anorak was Halliday 's wizard avatar ) , he announces that his entire fortune in the amount of $ 240 billion dollars will be put into Oasis for anyone to receive . Since he never married and had children it was pointless giving the money to charity and wanted to have one last fun for his legacy . In order to receive this prize , you need to get all three keys ( which are copper , jade , and crystal ) in order to receive the easter egg . That sounds quite simple right ? Well , he tells everyone in the video what is the first clue and now we jump forward to 2044 and still no one has figured out the first clue . At first every one was going crazy for that egg but now that 5 years have past , practically the media and everyone else believes that the egg doesn 't exist . What also helps is Halliday created Anorak 's almanac which is guide to everything about the 80s because Halliday was a teenager during that decade and believed that it was one of the greatest decades in our society . Now that he has dead , everything about the 80s has resurfaced and everyone believes by studying 80s culture they can be one step closer towards finding that egg . Now we meet our narrator . Wade Owens Watts ( W . O . W ) / Wade3 / Parzival is an 18 year old orphan who lives with his horrible aunt in a trailer . He is fat , has acne , and a fellow Gunter ( A gunter is an egg hunter ) . Ever since he was a toddler he has been using Oasis and worships that console as his escape from reality . Between the nasty aunt and his insecurities he escapes from the trailer and goes into his secret hiding place where he attends virtual school and catches up with 80s arcade games , movies , and tv shows . He is fully dedicated towards finding the egg but sadly he doesn 't have money to afford expensive weapons , armor , or transportation . In order to explore different worlds and perform quests , you need credits to teleport or practically do anything and since he is broke he can only afford going to school which is free and hang out with his virtual reality best friend Aech ( pronounce like the letter H ) . They are both pros on Halliday knowledge , 80s culture and video games and because of their friendship they set new challenges towards competing among each other in different games hoping those skills will come to play in the future . Sure enough it will later pay off . One day during school , Wade sees the mystery clue in a different light and decides to explore his curiosity on potential Copper Key location and sure enough he wins the first copper key . On Halliday 's website , there is a score board listing of the top 10 positions for those who retrieve the first key and become part of the competition . It has been blank all these years until Wade receives the first key and all hell breaks loose in the world . People all around the world are beyond ecstatic that the first key has been found and now the intense race towards finding the three keys have begun . While reading this book I thought this was going to be a simple race with heavy competition and being innocent and naive I forgot that in every story there is a villain . I completely forgot about that minor detail and we have this grand entrance of IOI . IOI ( Innovative Online Industries ) is this company that was created right after the Hunt began and they are practically this fascist group whose sole intension is to win this contest at all cost regardless whether they have to cheat or even murder people to accomplish this goal . They have thousands of avatars working for them at their disposal and scholars on Halliday , video games , and 80s culture to help them figure out the clues . Unfortunately since they cheat and not looking at the right direction they have failed to find the first key until Wade comes into the picture . You would think this was no big deal but unfortunately GSS is at stakes with IOI because if they do win the contest , they will get complete control of Oasis and will charge ridiculous fees and stop making it free . By doing so they will handicap our world and put us into a deeper hole then we can already imagine . So for Wade it is crucial that he wins the contest or any Gunter for that matter . This book left me speechless the entire time . I gave up trying to figure out what would happen next in the story and just enjoy the ride . In the very beginning I found it slow because of the world building and introducing us into Wades world but once he finds the Copper Key the pace becomes faster and exhilarating . I believe the author did this on purpose which got me frustrated but I believe in the end help showcase how exhausting it was that Wade went through 5 years doing never ending research only to find empty handed result which is every time we got one step further in the story , Ernest Cline would take two steps back which in the end help us finding the egg and grow attach to Owen . For Example , when Wade finds the Copper key and gate , he meets another character who would become his love interest in the story . I really didn 't care about his romance in the beginning because for me my main focus was on the contest and not on Owens private life . He is in love with this girl and sure enough she breaks his heart because they have wasted valuable months smooching and not focusing on the Jade key . When he was dealing with his heart break the plot became slow and I honestly could careless about him . No offense to Owen but honestly the world seems like it is going to end and the only way for it to improve is to find that egg and if you put your attention towards solving that egg and a little less on the girlfriend you would be one step closer towards winning that grand prize . I absolutely went head over heals over this book and I am surprise it is not getting the attention it deserves and I believe that will change once the trailer and the movie is released . I am lucky enough to have parents grow up in that era because they provided me deeper insight to the past then the current generations . I love researching the past because we get a better understand of our culture , the mistakes we made and how it affects our future . I am shock how my generation and the future generations do not care about the past and that is why we have all these iconic films being terribly remake * cough cough Footloose remake cough * because that is the only way they will watch it . I seriously hope when this film is released that it will bring nostalgia to those who lived through the 80s and a new interest for the young ones . Even though I didn 't know a lot of this video games I am lucky enough that google help me find videos and photos to understand the game concept and be able to follow along . I highly recommend this book because it was beautiful showcasing this virtual reality world and bring out the inner kid inside us . When I was a little boy my first gaming console I ever played was first Nintendo 64 & PlayStation 1 . I was four years old and my cousin showed me how to use the console and ever since then I learned how to play video games and efficiently without instructions . My parents then bought me the Super NES , every Gameboy known to man , Game Cube , PlayStation 2 , XBOX , XBOX 360 and countless others until the Wii . Sadly by the time I reached high school I stopped playing video games . Between school , rehearsals , music , and studying I was exhausted for anything else and then reading became my new passion . I still drool when looking at the latest consoles and games and wish I had them in my possession but hopefully someday I can reconnect and become an avid gamer again . That is partly why this book brought back so much heart warming memories of my youth and video game experience .
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I am a Java developer , a chess enthusiast and hiker . I have moved as an IT Professional to USA from my beloved home country Bangladesh at 2005 leaving many of my family members , relatives , friends and good memories there as well as how are my days going here in this migrated place with my wife , son and friends . I would like to share some of them with you here in this online diary . Last weekend I saw James Cameron 's sci - fi movie Avatar with my friends and family at San Jose 3D Imax Theater . It was fantastic enough to go beyond my expectation ! Even before the movie was released , I read about it online to know that James Cameron wrote the initial script for this movie at 1994 ( 15 years back ) but only could release now because he was not satisfied with the then - technology to support his imaginations to bring into the film properly . He in fact invented a Fusion Camera System so that he can capture 95 % of an actor 's facial expression to it 's computer character counterpart . James Cameron already is very selective in movie direction ( only 5 so far ) and made the highest revenue generating movie of all time Titanic ( 1 . 86 billion USD ) . I was in the opinion that Avatar will cross 1 billion dollar revenue ; it 's official production cost is $ 237 million ( excluding approx . $ 150 million marketing cost ) . Let 's see if it crosses my expectation in terms of revenue as well . In fact I see a very potential for it to cross even Titanic 's revenue and touch 2 billion revenue worldwide for the first time in box office record history . I liked the story , the acting , the camera work , special effects , sound everything . I specially liked how the director slowly took all the audience to Pandora 's side and how the the hero Jake slowly adapted himself in Pandora and proved himself as a great warrior . Ahyan was first half an hour very scared of the sound and idn 't use the 3D glass . But later he got comfortable and watched the movie . Shusmita , Amin , Hasinur . Prakash all were of the opinion that it was a good movie . The question is how good it was - just good , very good or excellent ? Well for me it 's simply outstanding and unimaginable ! You have to see it in 3D IMAX , otherwise you will miss half of the movie 's charm . It 's the best cinematic experience that you can ever have and surpasses what we saw in 2012 a few weeks ago . I had a few winter parties last few days . First it was in Nitol 's party at San Jose Tech Museum . Then we went to Ahyan 's school 's winter party . And at last the Salesforce holiday party at Concourse Exhibition Center , San Francisco . Update 1 : I see Avatar has already earned $ 287 million dollar worldwide in opening weekend ! Looks like my predictions are getting closer to realization . Let 's see . Update 2 : As of today , Avatar cross 726 million US dollar in worldwide gross revenue ! Looks like my prediction of crossing 1 billion dollar ( even before it released ) is going to be correct ! ! Check - http : / / en . wikipedia . org / wiki / Avatar _ ( 2009 _ film ) Update 4 : Last might I saw it second tome in Regal Dublin 3D IMAX with Sumit Bhai , Shahriar . And by now it crossed 1 . 6 billion dollar gross earnings worldwide . Here is the link for James Cameron 's original script of Avatar that he wrote in 1994 . A week earlier when I was working at office before lunch , I got an email from Shusmita with a picture of a peacock . She was telling that this peacock is walking around in our patio . I was so surprised and then at night when I reached home , I saw this big bird there resting in the railing beside the entrance of our door . It 's beautiful and amazing . Ahyan was jumping up and down to show it to me . Shusmita later told me that it 's a peahen and not a peacock . Ahyan already named it Peacock Zaman ( as his name is Ahyan Zaman ) . Shusmita called the Fremont Wild Animal Association and they seemed not bothered at all . They told that if the bird is not injured , they are not coming to pick it . The first day we gave her only rice . But the very next day , Shusmita did some googling and purchased wild animal food from Petco including dogfood and lettus . The peahen seems very happy and is with us since then . My freinds and colleagues came to see it and people are excited to see this beautiful bird just within a feet of distance . As our living room and patio is only separated by a glass door which can be opened if necessary , we always see it walking around , eating or sleeping . After almost five months we went for a travel out of town during this eid ul adha / thanksgiving vacation last week . Wednesday night Amin called me and we met at Peacock for tea . We instantly decided to start for LA the next morning just a day before the eid day . I think this kind of sudden plans are fun even if a bit expensive . We had to do the hotel booking at that time and buy the tickets of Universal studio and Disneyland . Next morning we left Fremont at around 11 AM and reached Airtel Plaza hotel at Van Nuys ( in 5 and half hours of drive ) , just 15 miles before LA downtown . After taking some rest , we went to Aladin Sweets for dinner . We ordered almost all dishes at once and couldn 't finish most of it . The next morning we went to Universal studio around 10 AM . Amin and I enjoyed the rides very much , specially Mymmy ride and Jurasic Park . The studio tour , waterworld and Terminator is always my favorite but I didn 't like much Shrek 4D . The front line pass helped us bypass the holiday crowd and at the end of the day we bought the annual pass as we definitely plan to come here a few times next year . Saturday we went to Disneyland at Anaheim after having breakfast at hotel . Well , the first half till lunch the only people who seem to have enjoyed were Ahyan and Shusmita . However , after lunch the situation changed very well when we saw the parade and started the rides one after another . Finding Nemo , Star Spaceship tour , Slider , Jungle Cruise , Pirates of the Caribbean , Indiana Jones , Small Worlds . We finished the visit to Disneyland after watching the beautiful fireworks at 9 : 25 PM for 15 minutes or so . We didn 't even get time to go to the Disneyland Adventure park . We went to Noel and Afroze 's house from there which is within 10 miles of Disneyland . After having dinner and adda till late night ( 2 AM ) we came back to hotel . We were sorry to know about Sayeem and Shornno 's car accident while returning from the eid prayer . In highway , a car skid due to rain that morning and dashed Sayeem 's car . Both the car as a result hit the divider . However , they are all okay now after getting released from the hospital emergency . Sayeem 's car is declared as a total loss and I know what a pain it will be for him to run around the insurance and medical staffs as I have gone through this recently . Next morning , we went back again to Noel 's house for breakfast . We went to Little Dhaka from there for some Bangladeshi food . But we didn 't get the soups we were looking for and hence again went to Aladin . By the time we finished all shopping in Aladin and started back for Fremont it was 2 : 30 PM . Due to the heavy holiday traffic , we reached Wali Bhai 's house ( for dinner ) at Fremont after 9 hours of drive . Last 150 miles in the night , almost 3 hours , Amin drove the car as I was feeling a bit tired driving since morning . We moved to a new rental house near BART end of last month . We have stayed in LakeView Apartments for three and half years before moving here . I was too busy with my office works the last month and hence Shusmita did most of the packings . We got the new house key 1 week earlier than our move in date of first November . So we actually moved 24th October Saturday and took rest of the one week to slowly finish the moves . We rented DesiMovers who moved all out packed cartoon ( 30 + ) and many unpacked staffs . They disassembled the bed and assembled back again . Although a bit costly , they were quick and did a good job of transferring all the staffs and assembling those back again . All our friends in Fremont liked the house as we did . I wish I would not be a tenant but the owner of the house ! However , buying house is very expensive in California and I can 't simply afford it maintaining my current lifestyle , I let myself forget about it . Tuhin Bhai ( Ripa 's hubby ) gave a surprise visit to my new house last weekend . He called me a few days earlier that his ship is unloading in Los Angeles and he will again start for San Francisco within a few hours . His ship ( Ginga Leopard ) eventually reached Richmond last Friday morning . He is the chief engineer of the ship . I took a day off from office that day and picked him , Bahar Bhai ( captain ) and Nure Alam Bhai ( third engineer ) . By the time I drove and picked them from the IMTT and acme back home it was late in the afternoon . They had a quick lunch at my house and then we went for shopping . I took them to Best Buy in Fremont where they bought 2 40 " Sony Bravia HDTVs , 5 Sony VOI laptops , 4 cameras , 1 handy cam etc . Then we went to grocery shopping in Namaste Plaza for their ship crews . Nitol accompanied me in this whole run around since the evening . We had a nice dinner at Shalimar after 10 PM . Before dropping them to the ship again at 1 : 30 PM , we went to Walmart for some cosmetics and clothes . Hereby I declare victory over the Half Dome ! Finally we did it . I , Shahriar and Nitol succeeded in our mission to hike Half Dome of Yosemite in the first weekend of October and we finished the hike in less than 13 hours despite facing a long wait time in the cable to ascend on top of half dome . We have taken a lot of preparation before going to this hike . We are relatively new hikers ( specially I was the last person on planet earth to get involved in any kind of physical activities or sports ) and hence those preparations made good sense . Before I tell more about myself , I should tell a little about my 2 co - hikers in this trip - Shahriar and Nitol . Quazi Shahriar Rahman ( Sujan ) is an Electrical Engineer in Cadence Design in Sillicon Valley , the first Bangladeshi batch mate whom I came to know in California by chance more than 3 years ago . He is a guy with sheer interest on physical activities and sports . He is a good soccer player , runner , table tennis player , tennis player , enjoys bowling , 29 ( cards ) and more . He constantly looks for new and interesting things to do and hence when he knew of the opportunity to hike every weekend , he took it unmistakably . His advantage is strength , stamina and " can do " attitude . Shabbir Asiqur Rahman ( Nitol ) finished his Electrical Engineering from BUET and moved to the IT sector where I met him first as a colleague . He is now working as a Software Developer in Life Technologies in Foster City . He is one of the modest guys in the crowd and interested in various sports and activities , specially when accompanied by friends . We started our career as a Software Engineer almost 8 years back and since been very good friends all throughout . He will get married end of this year and hence I was not sure whether he will be able to take apart a good chunk of time to prepare and finish this hike with us apart from his busy schedule at this time . His advantage is a cool head and a strong pair of arms ( we used to call him Shoaib Akhter for his bowling speed ) . I , Ashik Uzzaman ( Fahim ) , is working in Salesforce . com as a Software Developer head quartered in San Francisco . It 's difficult to say my below - par weight and eating or drinking in small quantity are advantages or weaknesses . I have been always interested in games that involve less physical strength or stamina . That 's why I picked Chess as my favorite hobby at an early age and consider myself an enthusiast in that area . I play table tennis in office during lunch break , occasionally 29 ( cards ) and bowling with friends in weekends . I am also an avid book reader and a blogger as you can see . Few things common to all 3 of us are - we are of the same age , finished high school at the same year , live within 2 blocks in Fremont , California and are regular hikers every Sunday . We formed a hikers group where around 15 members come on and off to hike bay area trails - Mission Peak , Mount Diablo , Sunol Wilderness , Rancho San Antonio etc . If you want to join us , find Bay Area Bangladeshi Hikers Group in Facebook and look for our event calendar . A remote possibility of 2 of our friends Mostazir Rahman from Fremont and Noel from Los Angeles got canceled at the last week . I guess if the half dome cable would remain open 1 more month and we could reschedule our date , we would get a few more hikers in this trip with us . But as Winter is coming , there was no way we could delay our hiking date further . I took time off from office October 2nd the Friday although Shahriar and Nitol didn 't take leave . We started from Fremont at afternoon around 3 PM and reached Curry Village of Yosemite Valley by 8 PM with one break on the way . I was driving Nitol 's Civic with GPS until we were very close to Yosemite when the road started curving wildly . Shahriar already booked a nice cabin with restroom and we had a sound sleep there at night . There was full moon when we entered into Yosemite and I was surprised to see how beautiful the hills looked under moonlights ! It 's my sixth time in Yosemite still only the second time at night . We saw people with gears preparing to climb rocks that night . I have a great respect for rock climbers as I am aware of the level difficulty involved in it . Aside from taking pictures of the cabin , we ate plenty of Khichuri and egg fry as dinner that Shusmita gave with us . The cake from Ramirez market was also a hit amongst 3 of us . We were lucky that we got cabin within a mile of the happy isle , the starting point of the half dome trail . Although we got up around 5 AM the next morning , it took us some time to start our hike . By the time we returned the room key to the front desk and walked the road to happy isles , it was 6 : 45 AM . We reached the mileage marker sign at 7 : 14 AM which we initially planned to reach an hour earlier . Nitol forgot his hiking sticks in the car that he got from his colleague and regretted that . We were going in smooth pace crossing Vernal Fall , taking the Mist Trail and then reaching Nevada Fall taking pictures every now and then . While in the steep stairs of Mist trail I was talking to Shusmita and my 3 years old son Ahyan . He thought I went to bring Banana for him as I do often while coming back with a coffee from Starbucks . As we are hiking half dome for the first time ( I hope it 's not the only time too ) , we were taking photos frequently of the beautiful sceneries and trail around us . This accounted for the higher total time we needed to go up till the base of the half dome . The steps in Mist Trail were steep and quite long . This was when I first acknowledged that we were not over - prepared . The whole half dome trail was all throughout steep except once we went further into the little Yosemite Valley where we got couple of miles easy - on - legs trail . At the start of the journey Shahriar and I had an idea that we could have finished the Half Dome hike even without rigorous preparation . But well , it 's one thing to run around Mission Peak in Fremont which is only 2500 feet at it 's peak and 6 . 4 miles round trip , and it 's completely a different story when you are tested your endurance over 17 / 18 miles for an elevation gain of almost 4800 feet . I found it very satisfactory that Nitol was keeping the pace with us all through out . In this process he had to push himself to his limits several times . As a result we got more rest than him and hence probably less tired too . Nitol was clear to himself about his target - he knew he wanted to go on top of half dome but he didn 't have any specific timeline to reach there . He was more like going on his own pace unless we were close enough within his reach . For me , I felt that I want to keep up with the suggested pace that I calculated in the table above . So at times I walked a little faster to accommodate the extra time to write down the time logs as well as analyze how good or bad we were doing in terms of pace . I found we were going faster than what I expected as per my back home calculations but slower than what the author of the book One Best Hike : Half Dome of Yosemite Rick suggested . I wrote some comments on the time logs which is helping me now as a source of information for this blog entry . For Shahriar , it was more like meeting a standard timeline so that we were not too slow . UnfortuThen came the first view of the beautiful half dome ! While I was taking a picture of Shahriar keeping half dome in the back , I found I didn 't want to move my sitting position to take his pictures from different angles - a sign of tiredness . Shahriar was commenting like we can 't get too tired here as we were eying towards Mount Whitney / Mount Hood and other very tough trails in future . The first time I really felt tired was in the giant steps of sub dome which you have to cross to go to the base of the cable . The approximate 800 steps of subdome has not been emphasized much in the articles or books except in Rick 's book . In some places it looked like a sharp vertical wall and only after careful observation you find there were rocks for stepping to go around those walls . I reached earlier in the base of the cables than Shahriar and Nitol where we found a very big crowd for the cable to go on top of half dome . When I saw it so closely , the first thing came to my mind was - holy crap ! ! ! If I would not see other people climbing that cable , I would never think it 's feasible . Nitol told that he would think a few times before going up through that cable if he would not have the chain with him to hang himself with the cable . Shahriar was calculating himself in his mind to conclude that it 's not a matter of joke . We left our bags in the base as many people do so . We knew the climbing will be easier while going up than while coming down . But even that was tough enough . I think the park authority should have a permit system for physical and mental fitness before allowing anyone to this cable . As per Shahriar , it 's not only risky but also dangerous . But Nitol was very comfortable with the climb . One hiker helped Nitol to hook his chain with this body properly . Then we saw him walking outside the cable to cross some people although it was too much to cross so many people . Despite all his tries , it was 1 hour and 30 minutes before I first went on top of half dome . Shahriar and Nitol came a few minutes later than me . In the cable you will find a wood every 10 feet to keep your body weight on . But the way to go from one wood to another wood , you have to walk over the slippery rock and bring your body up putting all the weight on your 2 hands . While stopped and hanging , you need to make sure your leg is on one of those woods . And yes , don 't make mistake of not wearing a full pant and a jacket . On the way up , I was regretting not wearing a full pant , due to the cold wind . While ascending the cable , we found one person had to be held from 2 sides to bring back down to the base from the middle of the cable . It 's height phobia . There is no escape if you miss your step and fall . The first hit you will get is almost 200 to 500 feet down followed by thousands feet down I guess . Nitol was comfortable keeping his chain around the cable allowing himself even walking outside the cable often . It took us 1 hour 30 minutes to go on top due to the heavy human traffic on the cable that late hours . Well , yes - we made it to the top at last ! By that time , we were so tired and feeling cold that the first thing I was looking for is when to go down . We were on top only 26 minutee . Shahriar finished his prayer and we took a few photos there . On the way down , it took Shahriar and me 1 hour while Nitol probably finished it by half an hour . A few things happened when we were one - third down in the cable . I was wearing the synthetic pant which is slippery . Due to the traffic , I was taking rest by sitting in the rock sometimes . Once while seated I started slipping to the right side of the rock . First I had only one hand in the cable and I quickly caught the ropes with the other hand . However , I was still virtually hanging and didn 't know how long I can hang like that , may be less than a minute . I asked Shahriar to hold one of my hand who was just above me coming down . While he forwarded his hand to me , the person in front of me gave his leg that I used to come back to the middle of the cable and escaped falling down . It was very risky . The line between life and death is very thin , if you are not careful enough in that cable . I didn 't sit after that in the cable for the rest of the time . Shahriar got a muscle pull at the same time or a little earlier . But he didn 't tell me so that I don 't get into panic . Your hands and legs are your life in the cable and at that point a muscle pull means a very likelihood of falling down from the cable . And I hope I don 't need to say what does it mean by falling down from the half dome cable , you can see the pictures or read Wikipedia of what happened in near or long past . Shahriar just told me not go too fast and stay together . That 's what I did the whole way coming down . Our strategy was I would go down one wood distance ( 10 feet ) slipping and then put my leg up . Shahriar would then slip until he touches my leg and shifts his weight to my wood . Then I would again advance for the next wood . Due to his muscle pull , he could not put pressure on his legs and held his whole body weight over his 2 hands . He slipped many times , 2 / 3 of whom looked very serious to me . He didn 't tell about the risk he had undergone through while coming down , until we got down from the giant sub dome steps as well . What a relief ! His muscle pull wasOne the way down we walked very fast and took the John Muir trail instead of Mist Trail . Although this trail is a bit longer than the Mist Trail it 's less steeper than that as well . People take it on the way back to get rid of the extra pressure on knee . Last one hour or more we walked over the headlight as it became dark . By the time we reached the car parking , only Shahriar had the energy left to drive back home . However , we didn 't have much gas in the car and Nitol was thinking of even staying at Curry Village that night . But we were eager to go back home and have a sound sleep and rest . So Shahriar started driving . Soon we found that the gas is so less that we may not be able to reach the nearest gas station with that . We still kept going . And then the road started curving up which takes uses more gas than regular drive . So to our horror , we found the gas bar going down very rapidly . Nitol tried to call 911 and roadside assistance and there was no mobile network inside the forest of Yosemite National Park . We started looking for a turn around when the gas started using the reserve oil . However , at that time we found we are at 6192 feet elevation and there is no visible turn around . As if it were not good enough , we started seeing bear sign on that place which means if the car stops here now , we have to stay the whole night here amongst the mighty bears . Shahriar asked if the car break will work we run out of gas when driving uphill here . None of us knew and had the only option to pray for a gas sign to see . As Almighty 's blessings to us , when we thought the car is going to stop any moment now , we found a gas station sign . Aaah ! ! ! While taking gas , we saw signs of bear everywhere in that gas station . Once we filled up the gas , we were smoothly on our way back to Fremont . We stopped at Denny 's for dinner on the middle of the way . Shahriar held the dinner in celebration to our victory over half dome . A great feeling of accomplishment for 3 of us ! I live with my wife Shusmita , son Ahyan and daughter Suhaila in Fremont since 2005 , shortly before joining Salesforce . com in San Francisco , California , USA . Although studied Economics in University of Dhaka , Bangladesh , I chose Software Engineering as my career with focus on Java and Object Oriented Programming . I am a passionate chess player and hold USCF Candidate Master title . I love to travel around with my family , read books , listen to music and write blogs . Read my IT thoughts at http : / / ashikuzzaman . wordpress . com , online diary of regular events at http : / / ashikuzzaman . blogspot . com and chess endeavors at http : / / dragonbishop . blogspot . com . To know more about who I am , please check my Toast Masters Ice Breaker Speech
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For as long as she could remember , Roxanne ' Roxa ' Pittman had been accustomed to eyes following her whenever she entered a room . As a child , she had been judged by the other orphans . With her pretty blonde hair and bright blue eyes , there had been plenty of others in the foster system who saw her as a threat to their own ability to be adopted . And of course , there were the parents themselves , people who were basically auditioning kids to be part of their family . Everything she said , everything she did , everything she was had constantly been judged . Once she 'd run away from her last foster family at the age of nine ( after stabbing the abusive father with a knife when he tried to touch her ) , people had started watching Roxa for a variety of other reasons . She was a blonde girl out on the street . Some people watched her for … less than savory reasons , while others simply wanted to help . But their way of ' helping ' was usually to call the cops . And the police would just take her back to the system that she 'd already given up on . Then there were the people who watched her not for either of those reasons , but because they saw a thief , a ratty , dirty girl out on the streets who stole from them . They saw her as something less than human because she had no roof over her head , no family to live with , no school to go to . They saw her as something to kick out of their stores , away from their paying customers and out from under their roofs . They watched her , judged her , and wanted to make her disappear . The point was that throughout every ' phase ' of her life , Roxa had been watched and judged by people who didn 't actually know her . Whether they thought she was a criminal , a potential daughter , a little thug who belonged in prison , or a clueless Silverstone in the case of her recent Heretic classmates , everyone had their opinion based on little more than looking at her . And now … well , now she was still being watched and judged for several reasons . Some of them just as familiar as they had always been , while others were … somewhat new . The door of the bar that Roxa stepped into had barely closed behind her when a massive form stepped into her path . Her head tilted up to find a big black guy , a few inches over six feet tall and built like a truck , standing there . He eyed her before rumbling , " Little young , aren 't ya ? " " It 's my birthday , " she replied , hand smoothly tugging the driver 's license from the pocket of her jeans . She held it up for the man to see the date , which proudly proclaimed her to be twenty - one as of that morning . It was a lie , of course . Well , mostly . Her birthday was that day , but she definitely hadn 't turned twenty - one . The fake ID was a few years off . She was actually eighteen . " Well , happy birthday to you , " the bouncer announced , handing the ID back with a shrug . " But the dog can 't come in . " He jabbed a finger past Roxa , to the animal that entered alongside her . Roxa 's gaze followed his , and she glanced down to what looked , for the moment , like a rather large doberman . " Gidget , " she spoke For a moment , Roxa just looked at the man . He had red hair that had been fashioned into a simple crew cut , and was very slightly balding in the front . If he was human , she would have put his age at around forty - five . But for a werewolf , she had no idea . They aged slower than humans , that much she knew . But she wasn 't good enough to even make a wild guess . Finally , as the man 's two companion ( the black guy named Vince and another man with long dirty blond hair ) pushed away from the pool table with hard looks , she responded . " Last time I checked , ignoring either your nose or your eyes was a bad idea . Why not listen to both of them ? " " A werewolf - Heretic , " the red - haired man muttered , head shaking slowly . " Now I 've seen everything . Most times one of your kind get turned , his ' friends ' make it a special a point to get rid of him . Or her . So why 're you special ? And the point was , you here as what I can see , or here as what I can smell ? Werewolf or Heretic , which one just walked into my favorite bar ? " " I 'm not here to start a fight , " Roxa replied simply . " Does it really matter what I am beyond that ? I 'm just here to ask for information . Information that I can pay for . " From her pocket , she produced a roll of fifty - dollar bills , counting off four of them before putting them on the pool table . " For taking the time to talk to me . The rest of it if you answer my questions . " The blond man , the only one who hadn 't spoken yet , snatched the money off the table and passed three of the four bills over to his obvious leader . " What do ya wanna know ? Maybe then we decide if we wanna talk , or just take the population of Heretic - Wolves back down to zero . " " A man named Lemuel . " Roxa watched each of their reactions closely . " I 'm looking for him . " The red - haired leader gave an obvious snarl . " You looking to join up with that bastard , pup , and we 'll have more problems than that wad o ' bills you 've got there can get your ass out of . His kind 's less welcome here than yours is . So if he 's the one you 're looking for , go on and piss off . " That drew a laugh from the blond man , who ran a hand back through his long hair and gave her a mocking smirk . " Got news for you , pup , Lemuel 's pack 'll tear you down to the bones before you get within twenty feet of the old prick . You might think you 're hot shit cuz you 've got werewolf mixed in with Heretic , but you ain 't nothing but a bug on a windshield to someone like Lemuel . " " That 's enough , Silas , " the red - haired leader informed his subordinate before looking back to Roxa . " But he ain 't wrong . You go after Lemuel , his pack 'll take you apart . And if you 're looking for him , you came to the wrong bar . Wrong neighborhood . Wrong zip code . His kind ain 't welcome here . This is my territory , and I don 't like people like that fucking up the peace and quiet . Wolves like Lemuel and his kind , they draw attention . Attention we 'd rather avoid . " Roxa 's head turned slightly , and she sniffed twice . Two more - no , three more werewolves had entered the room . She could smell one standing by the entrance that she had come in , while two others stood by the hall that led to the restroom and the emergency exit . Clearly , all three had been summoned as backup in case she started something . Six werewolves , all watching her every move , several of them itching for any excuse to put her down . " I dunno , Tomas , " the black guy , Vince , remarked . " She might make a good recruit , if you talk her out of this suicide plan . Heretic - wolf on our side ? Could add a lot of muscle to the pack . " Before the leader , Tomas , could respond to that , Roxa shook her head . " Not interested . Like I said , I 'm here for information . I just have one question . And that question is … " Holding up the wad of bills so that every wolf in the crowded room could see it , she finished , " Which one of you is working with Lemuel to kill Tomas and take over so that he can absorb your pack into his ? " Well , if she wanted to get their attention , Roxa sure succeeded then . Silas took a quick step forward . His hand caught her arm , wh " I think , " Tomas started while moving behind Silas to lay a hand on the man 's shoulder , " that you should leave . Questioning my pack 's loyalty , not your best move , pup . But you walk out now without looking back , and I 'll let you go . " He paused , amending , " We will all let you go . " Instead , Roxa watched the eyes of the man holding her . The words she spoke , however , were for Tomas . " I wasn 't questioning the loyalty of your pack . Only one of them . The one that 's been talking to Lemuel for the past week , making plans to kill you . Like I said , he kills you , takes over the pack , and Lemuel absorbs them into his own . He gets your territory , your people , and all it costs him are whatever it took to buy off whichever one of these guys is your personal Judas . " Over the sound of the chorus of growls that came from every werewolf in the room , Tomas carefully , yet dangerously spoke . " Is that what I get for giving you a chance to leave ? You 're still trying to make my people doubt each other ? You the one working with Lemuel ? That the plan ? You come in , try to make us all start snapping at each other and then he picks up the pieces ? " Shifting as she was held against that wall , Roxa quietly asked , " Can I say one more thing ? " " Kid , " Tomas replied , " deep as the hole that you keep digging yourself into is , my suggestion is that you stop talking . But if you insist on going on with that shovel , I ain 't gonna stop you . Yet . " Her head bowed in a nod . " Like I said . I just need to say one more thing . Namy , you done ? " While the wolves were trying to work out what that meant , the pixie in question flew straight down from the overhead light where she had been perched . " Yup ! Nice distraction , Roxa . " She hovered down beside the blonde girl 's head , announcing , " We 're a badass , bitchin ' team . " The other nearest wolf , Vince , grabbed for the pixie . But Roxa quickly slipped free of Silas 's grip . Twisting and ducking under his arm , she put herself between the black wolf and her diminutive partner , raising a hand to stop him . " Wait , " she snapped . Her attention turned to Tomas . " My friend here did one thing while I was making sure that you called all these guys in to deal with me . She hacked their phones with this . " Holding her hand out , she waited for Namythiet to produce what looked like a simple red orb about the size of a tennis ball . The pixie simply pulled it out of the vastly smaller pouch at her waist , a simple feat for the race that had invented the extradimensional storage spaces that so many Heretics used to store things like their weapons . Under the watchful , distrustful stares of seven werewolves , Roxa turned the orb over . There was a single button on the side . " See , Namythiet 's a Hephaestetical pixie . In other words , she really likes technology . And she 's really , really good with it . So like I said , she hacked their phones . And this thing , " she continued while tossing the orb up and then catching it . " Is gonna play back a very … special conversation that one of your people had on their phone a few minutes before I walked in here . You hear that conversation , then we 'll see whether I 'm still your biggest problem . " Tomas gave her a long , silent look for a moment before flatly insisting , " I trust my people . " In response , Roxa 's thumb pressed the button on the orb . As she did , there was an audible click . Silas 's hand lashed out to smack the ball out of her hand , sending it across the room while the blond man himself backhanded her across the face with his other hand . Yet even as Roxa hit the wall once more , with the other wolves lunging to get their piece of her , a voice filled the room from the orb , which had rolled under the nearby pool table . " Tonight , " Lemuel 's voice insisted with obvious annoyance . " We 're not waiting around anymore . Get it done , or tLunging up and over the bar , she went through the still - swinging door in time to see Vince crashing through another one at the far end that led out into the alley behind the bar . In the alley , Vince was already yanking a motorcycle around that had been resting against the wall there . He glanced over his shoulder , gave her a dark glare , and then took off with a squeal of tires and the loud roar of the bike 's engine . For most werewolves , that would have been the end of it . They were fast in human form , but not as fast as a motorcycle . And changing into wolf - form would 've taken far too long , even for those who were very good at it . But Roxa wasn 't most werewolves . She was a werewolf - Heretic . And the very first power , aside from the peridle 's healing ability , that she had absorbed during her time at Crossroads had been enhanced speed . It didn 't let her break the sound barrier , or even move as fast as a good car could get up to . But she could reach speeds approaching seventy miles per hour . And she put that speed to work catching up with the man on the motorcycle . Whistling sharply , she sprinted after the fleeing figure . Vince hit the end of the street and took a sharp left , tires screaming in protest . Roxa , meanwhile , pivoted and ran straight for the nearest building . Summoning all the strength that she could , the girl leapt high enough to barely catch hold of the bottom of the fire escape . With a grunt , she hauled herself up and onto the metal railing there . Instead of continuing to climb that way , however , the blonde girl threw herself off the fire escape . Her feet landed on the edge of a windowsill further up , and she jumped from there back to the metal railing on the next landing up . She continued that way , jumping from window to fire escape to climb much faster than simply using the stairs . With the shortcut combined with her own enhanced speed , the girl was on the roof of the building within a handful of seconds . Hitting the roof , she took off to the other side , arriving just in time to see Vince far below as the man completed his turn around the corner and began racing away , perpendicular to the way he had been going before . Roxa didn 't hesitate . Still sprinting , feet kicking up small pebbles from the roof , she leapt out into the open air . Her feet windmilled a few times as she soared across the width of the entire street , before landing on the roof of the building on the opposite side . She stumbled slightly , but caught herself , glanced down at the motorcycle on the street below , and kept running . Still , despite her enhanced speed and elevated position , Vince was already pulling away . The motorcycle wasn 't stopped by traffic , able to weave in and out as needed , and could even leap onto the sidewalk where it needed to . Other cars , or even pedestrians , weren 't an issue . He was slowly , but steadily , pulling away . But Roxa wouldn 't let that happen . Taking three more steps to the edge of the last building , she leapt off while giving another sharp whistle . Rather than jumping toward the next roof , she leapt down toward the fleeing motorcycle . As she plummeted , Roxa saw a small metal figure racing along the road far below . An instant later , Gidget threw herself up , transforming in mid - air . The robot cougar shifted into her hoverboard form , flying straight up at an angle that let her intercept the blonde girl in mid - fall . Catching herself on the board , Roxa angled to continue the chase . The board streaked down , pulling up a bare foot from the pavement before leveling out . Now the motorcycle wasn 't nearly as much of an advantage . And despite the time that it had taken for her to join up with Gidget , Roxa had managed to stop Vince from gaining an insurmountable lead . He was only at the other end of the block when she got her board under control . And that distance was about to shrink rapidly . A car was coming straight for her , horn blaring . Roxa simply angled her board up , flying slightly higher to go up and over . On the far side of the car , which was already screeching to a stop , she kept going without even glancing back . Another car , weave to the right . Doing so put her right up against a moving truck , so she angled the board to ride along the side of it , even as Gidget put out straps to hold Roxa 's feet to the board so that she could fly along basically sideways without falling off . More cars , coming and going . None presented much of an obstacle for the combination of Gidget 's maneuverability and Roxa 's own reflexes . She flew around , over , and in the case of one particular semi - truck , under the vehic " Sorry for giving your little pup there a hard time . " About an hour after that little fight , Roxa and the rest of her pack were back in the bar . This time , the others were all in human form . The man speaking was Tomas . Beside him sat Silas . The blond man was still injured , since the silver from Vince 's blade wouldn 't regenerate the way most injuries did . But it had been bandaged up , and Namythiet had helped to make sure that the man didn 't bleed out before the man 's packmates could get to him . " It 's all right , " Mateo replied , speaking up for his own pack . " The whole reason she came in here by herself was to draw attention . We had to give Namythiet over there a chance to get into their phones , and do it publicly so you knew what was going on . After that , we figured your traitor would run right to wherever his handlers from Lemuel 's pack were . Just had to make them believe that she was on her own so they 'd show themselves . " " You get what you needed from them ? " Tomas asked before slowly turning to look at the far corner , where the unconscious , heavily injured form of Vince himself was trussed up . " Because I don 't mind asking my old friend a few more questions . " " We got enough before his men died , " Mateo assured him . " We know where Lemuel 's pack is heading next . Which means we can get ahead of them . " Tomas shook his head . " Still think you 're crazy , going after that psycho . I 've got a hard enough time just keeping his bastards out of my territory . " His eyes glanced toward Vince again . " … though maybe I ain 't doing as good of a job on that as I thought . " " Lemuel and his super - pack are a problem that 's not gonna go away , " Mateo intoned flatly . " They keep getting bigger . He 's snatching Alter and human kids , turning them , building his forces . He 's gonna keep expanding until someone stops him , until that pack gets broken up . " For a moment , Tomas didn 't say anything . He simply stood there , hand Silas 's shoulder . Finally , he asked , " You asking Her eyes turned , taking in the sight of Fezzik gleefully poring over the jukebox with Namythiet 's help , a still - bloody Lesedi steadily drinking two of Tomas 's pack under the table , Hasty teaching three other wolves to dance while loudly bitching at Fezzik to pick a song and stick to it , and Corson playing cards with another wolf while trying to pretend that he didn 't know what he was doing . " It 's like Mateo always says , " Roxa murmured mostly under her breath . " Pack isn 't just friends . " It 's family . "
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For as long as she could remember , Roxanne ' Roxa ' Pittman had been accustomed to eyes following her whenever she entered a room . As a child , she had been judged by the other orphans . With her pretty blonde hair and bright blue eyes , there had been plenty of others in the foster system who saw her as a threat to their own ability to be adopted . And of course , there were the parents themselves , people who were basically auditioning kids to be part of their family . Everything she said , everything she did , everything she was had constantly been judged . Once she 'd run away from her last foster family at the age of nine ( after stabbing the abusive father with a knife when he tried to touch her ) , people had started watching Roxa for a variety of other reasons . She was a blonde girl out on the street . Some people watched her for … less than savory reasons , while others simply wanted to help . But their way of ' helping ' was usually to call the cops . And the police would just take her back to the system that she 'd already given up on . Then there were the people who watched her not for either of those reasons , but because they saw a thief , a ratty , dirty girl out on the streets who stole from them . They saw her as something less than human because she had no roof over her head , no family to live with , no school to go to . They saw her as something to kick out of their stores , away from their paying customers and out from under their roofs . They watched her , judged her , and wanted to make her disappear . The point was that throughout every ' phase ' of her life , Roxa had been watched and judged by people who didn 't actually know her . Whether they thought she was a criminal , a potential daughter , a little thug who belonged in prison , or a clueless Silverstone in the case of her recent Heretic classmates , everyone had their opinion based on little more than looking at her . And now … well , now she was still being watched and judged for several reasons . Some of them just as familiar as they had always been , while others were … somewhat new . The door of the bar that Roxa stepped into had barely closed behind her when a massive form stepped into her path . Her head tilted up to find a big black guy , a few inches over six feet tall and built like a truck , standing there . He eyed her before rumbling , " Little young , aren 't ya ? " " It 's my birthday , " she replied , hand smoothly tugging the driver 's license from the pocket of her jeans . She held it up for the man to see the date , which proudly proclaimed her to be twenty - one as of that morning . It was a lie , of course . Well , mostly . Her birthday was that day , but she definitely hadn 't turned twenty - one . The fake ID was a few years off . She was actually eighteen . " Well , happy birthday to you , " the bouncer announced , handing the ID back with a shrug . " But the dog can 't come in . " He jabbed a finger past Roxa , to the animal that entered alongside her . Roxa 's gaze followed his , and she glanced down to what looked , for the moment , like a rather large doberman . " Gidget , " she spoke For a moment , Roxa just looked at the man . He had red hair that had been fashioned into a simple crew cut , and was very slightly balding in the front . If he was human , she would have put his age at around forty - five . But for a werewolf , she had no idea . They aged slower than humans , that much she knew . But she wasn 't good enough to even make a wild guess . Finally , as the man 's two companion ( the black guy named Vince and another man with long dirty blond hair ) pushed away from the pool table with hard looks , she responded . " Last time I checked , ignoring either your nose or your eyes was a bad idea . Why not listen to both of them ? " " A werewolf - Heretic , " the red - haired man muttered , head shaking slowly . " Now I 've seen everything . Most times one of your kind get turned , his ' friends ' make it a special a point to get rid of him . Or her . So why 're you special ? And the point was , you here as what I can see , or here as what I can smell ? Werewolf or Heretic , which one just walked into my favorite bar ? " " I 'm not here to start a fight , " Roxa replied simply . " Does it really matter what I am beyond that ? I 'm just here to ask for information . Information that I can pay for . " From her pocket , she produced a roll of fifty - dollar bills , counting off four of them before putting them on the pool table . " For taking the time to talk to me . The rest of it if you answer my questions . " The blond man , the only one who hadn 't spoken yet , snatched the money off the table and passed three of the four bills over to his obvious leader . " What do ya wanna know ? Maybe then we decide if we wanna talk , or just take the population of Heretic - Wolves back down to zero . " " A man named Lemuel . " Roxa watched each of their reactions closely . " I 'm looking for him . " The red - haired leader gave an obvious snarl . " You looking to join up with that bastard , pup , and we 'll have more problems than that wad o ' bills you 've got there can get your ass out of . His kind 's less welcome here than yours is . So if he 's the one you 're looking for , go on and piss off . " That drew a laugh from the blond man , who ran a hand back through his long hair and gave her a mocking smirk . " Got news for you , pup , Lemuel 's pack 'll tear you down to the bones before you get within twenty feet of the old prick . You might think you 're hot shit cuz you 've got werewolf mixed in with Heretic , but you ain 't nothing but a bug on a windshield to someone like Lemuel . " " That 's enough , Silas , " the red - haired leader informed his subordinate before looking back to Roxa . " But he ain 't wrong . You go after Lemuel , his pack 'll take you apart . And if you 're looking for him , you came to the wrong bar . Wrong neighborhood . Wrong zip code . His kind ain 't welcome here . This is my territory , and I don 't like people like that fucking up the peace and quiet . Wolves like Lemuel and his kind , they draw attention . Attention we 'd rather avoid . " Roxa 's head turned slightly , and she sniffed twice . Two more - no , three more werewolves had entered the room . She could smell one standing by the entrance that she had come in , while two others stood by the hall that led to the restroom and the emergency exit . Clearly , all three had been summoned as backup in case she started something . Six werewolves , all watching her every move , several of them itching for any excuse to put her down . " I dunno , Tomas , " the black guy , Vince , remarked . " She might make a good recruit , if you talk her out of this suicide plan . Heretic - wolf on our side ? Could add a lot of muscle to the pack . " Before the leader , Tomas , could respond to that , Roxa shook her head . " Not interested . Like I said , I 'm here for information . I just have one question . And that question is … " Holding up the wad of bills so that every wolf in the crowded room could see it , she finished , " Which one of you is working with Lemuel to kill Tomas and take over so that he can absorb your pack into his ? " Well , if she wanted to get their attention , Roxa sure succeeded then . Silas took a quick step forward . His hand caught her arm , wh " I think , " Tomas started while moving behind Silas to lay a hand on the man 's shoulder , " that you should leave . Questioning my pack 's loyalty , not your best move , pup . But you walk out now without looking back , and I 'll let you go . " He paused , amending , " We will all let you go . " Instead , Roxa watched the eyes of the man holding her . The words she spoke , however , were for Tomas . " I wasn 't questioning the loyalty of your pack . Only one of them . The one that 's been talking to Lemuel for the past week , making plans to kill you . Like I said , he kills you , takes over the pack , and Lemuel absorbs them into his own . He gets your territory , your people , and all it costs him are whatever it took to buy off whichever one of these guys is your personal Judas . " Over the sound of the chorus of growls that came from every werewolf in the room , Tomas carefully , yet dangerously spoke . " Is that what I get for giving you a chance to leave ? You 're still trying to make my people doubt each other ? You the one working with Lemuel ? That the plan ? You come in , try to make us all start snapping at each other and then he picks up the pieces ? " Shifting as she was held against that wall , Roxa quietly asked , " Can I say one more thing ? " " Kid , " Tomas replied , " deep as the hole that you keep digging yourself into is , my suggestion is that you stop talking . But if you insist on going on with that shovel , I ain 't gonna stop you . Yet . " Her head bowed in a nod . " Like I said . I just need to say one more thing . Namy , you done ? " While the wolves were trying to work out what that meant , the pixie in question flew straight down from the overhead light where she had been perched . " Yup ! Nice distraction , Roxa . " She hovered down beside the blonde girl 's head , announcing , " We 're a badass , bitchin ' team . " The other nearest wolf , Vince , grabbed for the pixie . But Roxa quickly slipped free of Silas 's grip . Twisting and ducking under his arm , she put herself between the black wolf and her diminutive partner , raising a hand to stop him . " Wait , " she snapped . Her attention turned to Tomas . " My friend here did one thing while I was making sure that you called all these guys in to deal with me . She hacked their phones with this . " Holding her hand out , she waited for Namythiet to produce what looked like a simple red orb about the size of a tennis ball . The pixie simply pulled it out of the vastly smaller pouch at her waist , a simple feat for the race that had invented the extradimensional storage spaces that so many Heretics used to store things like their weapons . Under the watchful , distrustful stares of seven werewolves , Roxa turned the orb over . There was a single button on the side . " See , Namythiet 's a Hephaestetical pixie . In other words , she really likes technology . And she 's really , really good with it . So like I said , she hacked their phones . And this thing , " she continued while tossing the orb up and then catching it . " Is gonna play back a very … special conversation that one of your people had on their phone a few minutes before I walked in here . You hear that conversation , then we 'll see whether I 'm still your biggest problem . " Tomas gave her a long , silent look for a moment before flatly insisting , " I trust my people . " In response , Roxa 's thumb pressed the button on the orb . As she did , there was an audible click . Silas 's hand lashed out to smack the ball out of her hand , sending it across the room while the blond man himself backhanded her across the face with his other hand . Yet even as Roxa hit the wall once more , with the other wolves lunging to get their piece of her , a voice filled the room from the orb , which had rolled under the nearby pool table . " Tonight , " Lemuel 's voice insisted with obvious annoyance . " We 're not waiting around anymore . Get it done , or tLunging up and over the bar , she went through the still - swinging door in time to see Vince crashing through another one at the far end that led out into the alley behind the bar . In the alley , Vince was already yanking a motorcycle around that had been resting against the wall there . He glanced over his shoulder , gave her a dark glare , and then took off with a squeal of tires and the loud roar of the bike 's engine . For most werewolves , that would have been the end of it . They were fast in human form , but not as fast as a motorcycle . And changing into wolf - form would 've taken far too long , even for those who were very good at it . But Roxa wasn 't most werewolves . She was a werewolf - Heretic . And the very first power , aside from the peridle 's healing ability , that she had absorbed during her time at Crossroads had been enhanced speed . It didn 't let her break the sound barrier , or even move as fast as a good car could get up to . But she could reach speeds approaching seventy miles per hour . And she put that speed to work catching up with the man on the motorcycle . Whistling sharply , she sprinted after the fleeing figure . Vince hit the end of the street and took a sharp left , tires screaming in protest . Roxa , meanwhile , pivoted and ran straight for the nearest building . Summoning all the strength that she could , the girl leapt high enough to barely catch hold of the bottom of the fire escape . With a grunt , she hauled herself up and onto the metal railing there . Instead of continuing to climb that way , however , the blonde girl threw herself off the fire escape . Her feet landed on the edge of a windowsill further up , and she jumped from there back to the metal railing on the next landing up . She continued that way , jumping from window to fire escape to climb much faster than simply using the stairs . With the shortcut combined with her own enhanced speed , the girl was on the roof of the building within a handful of seconds . Hitting the roof , she took off to the other side , arriving just in time to see Vince far below as the man completed his turn around the corner and began racing away , perpendicular to the way he had been going before . Roxa didn 't hesitate . Still sprinting , feet kicking up small pebbles from the roof , she leapt out into the open air . Her feet windmilled a few times as she soared across the width of the entire street , before landing on the roof of the building on the opposite side . She stumbled slightly , but caught herself , glanced down at the motorcycle on the street below , and kept running . Still , despite her enhanced speed and elevated position , Vince was already pulling away . The motorcycle wasn 't stopped by traffic , able to weave in and out as needed , and could even leap onto the sidewalk where it needed to . Other cars , or even pedestrians , weren 't an issue . He was slowly , but steadily , pulling away . But Roxa wouldn 't let that happen . Taking three more steps to the edge of the last building , she leapt off while giving another sharp whistle . Rather than jumping toward the next roof , she leapt down toward the fleeing motorcycle . As she plummeted , Roxa saw a small metal figure racing along the road far below . An instant later , Gidget threw herself up , transforming in mid - air . The robot cougar shifted into her hoverboard form , flying straight up at an angle that let her intercept the blonde girl in mid - fall . Catching herself on the board , Roxa angled to continue the chase . The board streaked down , pulling up a bare foot from the pavement before leveling out . Now the motorcycle wasn 't nearly as much of an advantage . And despite the time that it had taken for her to join up with Gidget , Roxa had managed to stop Vince from gaining an insurmountable lead . He was only at the other end of the block when she got her board under control . And that distance was about to shrink rapidly . A car was coming straight for her , horn blaring . Roxa simply angled her board up , flying slightly higher to go up and over . On the far side of the car , which was already screeching to a stop , she kept going without even glancing back . Another car , weave to the right . Doing so put her right up against a moving truck , so she angled the board to ride along the side of it , even as Gidget put out straps to hold Roxa 's feet to the board so that she could fly along basically sideways without falling off . More cars , coming and going . None presented much of an obstacle for the combination of Gidget 's maneuverability and Roxa 's own reflexes . She flew around , over , and in the case of one particular semi - truck , under the vehic " Sorry for giving your little pup there a hard time . " About an hour after that little fight , Roxa and the rest of her pack were back in the bar . This time , the others were all in human form . The man speaking was Tomas . Beside him sat Silas . The blond man was still injured , since the silver from Vince 's blade wouldn 't regenerate the way most injuries did . But it had been bandaged up , and Namythiet had helped to make sure that the man didn 't bleed out before the man 's packmates could get to him . " It 's all right , " Mateo replied , speaking up for his own pack . " The whole reason she came in here by herself was to draw attention . We had to give Namythiet over there a chance to get into their phones , and do it publicly so you knew what was going on . After that , we figured your traitor would run right to wherever his handlers from Lemuel 's pack were . Just had to make them believe that she was on her own so they 'd show themselves . " " You get what you needed from them ? " Tomas asked before slowly turning to look at the far corner , where the unconscious , heavily injured form of Vince himself was trussed up . " Because I don 't mind asking my old friend a few more questions . " " We got enough before his men died , " Mateo assured him . " We know where Lemuel 's pack is heading next . Which means we can get ahead of them . " Tomas shook his head . " Still think you 're crazy , going after that psycho . I 've got a hard enough time just keeping his bastards out of my territory . " His eyes glanced toward Vince again . " … though maybe I ain 't doing as good of a job on that as I thought . " " Lemuel and his super - pack are a problem that 's not gonna go away , " Mateo intoned flatly . " They keep getting bigger . He 's snatching Alter and human kids , turning them , building his forces . He 's gonna keep expanding until someone stops him , until that pack gets broken up . " For a moment , Tomas didn 't say anything . He simply stood there , hand Silas 's shoulder . Finally , he asked , " You asking Her eyes turned , taking in the sight of Fezzik gleefully poring over the jukebox with Namythiet 's help , a still - bloody Lesedi steadily drinking two of Tomas 's pack under the table , Hasty teaching three other wolves to dance while loudly bitching at Fezzik to pick a song and stick to it , and Corson playing cards with another wolf while trying to pretend that he didn 't know what he was doing . " It 's like Mateo always says , " Roxa murmured mostly under her breath . " Pack isn 't just friends . " It 's family . "
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For as long as she could remember , Roxanne ' Roxa ' Pittman had been accustomed to eyes following her whenever she entered a room . As a child , she had been judged by the other orphans . With her pretty blonde hair and bright blue eyes , there had been plenty of others in the foster system who saw her as a threat to their own ability to be adopted . And of course , there were the parents themselves , people who were basically auditioning kids to be part of their family . Everything she said , everything she did , everything she was had constantly been judged . Once she 'd run away from her last foster family at the age of nine ( after stabbing the abusive father with a knife when he tried to touch her ) , people had started watching Roxa for a variety of other reasons . She was a blonde girl out on the street . Some people watched her for … less than savory reasons , while others simply wanted to help . But their way of ' helping ' was usually to call the cops . And the police would just take her back to the system that she 'd already given up on . Then there were the people who watched her not for either of those reasons , but because they saw a thief , a ratty , dirty girl out on the streets who stole from them . They saw her as something less than human because she had no roof over her head , no family to live with , no school to go to . They saw her as something to kick out of their stores , away from their paying customers and out from under their roofs . They watched her , judged her , and wanted to make her disappear . The point was that throughout every ' phase ' of her life , Roxa had been watched and judged by people who didn 't actually know her . Whether they thought she was a criminal , a potential daughter , a little thug who belonged in prison , or a clueless Silverstone in the case of her recent Heretic classmates , everyone had their opinion based on little more than looking at her . And now … well , now she was still being watched and judged for several reasons . Some of them just as familiar as they had always been , while others were … somewhat new . The door of the bar that Roxa stepped into had barely closed behind her when a massive form stepped into her path . Her head tilted up to find a big black guy , a few inches over six feet tall and built like a truck , standing there . He eyed her before rumbling , " Little young , aren 't ya ? " " It 's my birthday , " she replied , hand smoothly tugging the driver 's license from the pocket of her jeans . She held it up for the man to see the date , which proudly proclaimed her to be twenty - one as of that morning . It was a lie , of course . Well , mostly . Her birthday was that day , but she definitely hadn 't turned twenty - one . The fake ID was a few years off . She was actually eighteen . " Well , happy birthday to you , " the bouncer announced , handing the ID back with a shrug . " But the dog can 't come in . " He jabbed a finger past Roxa , to the animal that entered alongside her . Roxa 's gaze followed his , and she glanced down to what looked , for the moment , like a rather large doberman . " Gidget , " she spoke For a moment , Roxa just looked at the man . He had red hair that had been fashioned into a simple crew cut , and was very slightly balding in the front . If he was human , she would have put his age at around forty - five . But for a werewolf , she had no idea . They aged slower than humans , that much she knew . But she wasn 't good enough to even make a wild guess . Finally , as the man 's two companion ( the black guy named Vince and another man with long dirty blond hair ) pushed away from the pool table with hard looks , she responded . " Last time I checked , ignoring either your nose or your eyes was a bad idea . Why not listen to both of them ? " " A werewolf - Heretic , " the red - haired man muttered , head shaking slowly . " Now I 've seen everything . Most times one of your kind get turned , his ' friends ' make it a special a point to get rid of him . Or her . So why 're you special ? And the point was , you here as what I can see , or here as what I can smell ? Werewolf or Heretic , which one just walked into my favorite bar ? " " I 'm not here to start a fight , " Roxa replied simply . " Does it really matter what I am beyond that ? I 'm just here to ask for information . Information that I can pay for . " From her pocket , she produced a roll of fifty - dollar bills , counting off four of them before putting them on the pool table . " For taking the time to talk to me . The rest of it if you answer my questions . " The blond man , the only one who hadn 't spoken yet , snatched the money off the table and passed three of the four bills over to his obvious leader . " What do ya wanna know ? Maybe then we decide if we wanna talk , or just take the population of Heretic - Wolves back down to zero . " " A man named Lemuel . " Roxa watched each of their reactions closely . " I 'm looking for him . " The red - haired leader gave an obvious snarl . " You looking to join up with that bastard , pup , and we 'll have more problems than that wad o ' bills you 've got there can get your ass out of . His kind 's less welcome here than yours is . So if he 's the one you 're looking for , go on and piss off . " That drew a laugh from the blond man , who ran a hand back through his long hair and gave her a mocking smirk . " Got news for you , pup , Lemuel 's pack 'll tear you down to the bones before you get within twenty feet of the old prick . You might think you 're hot shit cuz you 've got werewolf mixed in with Heretic , but you ain 't nothing but a bug on a windshield to someone like Lemuel . " " That 's enough , Silas , " the red - haired leader informed his subordinate before looking back to Roxa . " But he ain 't wrong . You go after Lemuel , his pack 'll take you apart . And if you 're looking for him , you came to the wrong bar . Wrong neighborhood . Wrong zip code . His kind ain 't welcome here . This is my territory , and I don 't like people like that fucking up the peace and quiet . Wolves like Lemuel and his kind , they draw attention . Attention we 'd rather avoid . " Roxa 's head turned slightly , and she sniffed twice . Two more - no , three more werewolves had entered the room . She could smell one standing by the entrance that she had come in , while two others stood by the hall that led to the restroom and the emergency exit . Clearly , all three had been summoned as backup in case she started something . Six werewolves , all watching her every move , several of them itching for any excuse to put her down . " I dunno , Tomas , " the black guy , Vince , remarked . " She might make a good recruit , if you talk her out of this suicide plan . Heretic - wolf on our side ? Could add a lot of muscle to the pack . " Before the leader , Tomas , could respond to that , Roxa shook her head . " Not interested . Like I said , I 'm here for information . I just have one question . And that question is … " Holding up the wad of bills so that every wolf in the crowded room could see it , she finished , " Which one of you is working with Lemuel to kill Tomas and take over so that he can absorb your pack into his ? " Well , if she wanted to get their attention , Roxa sure succeeded then . Silas took a quick step forward . His hand caught her arm , wh " I think , " Tomas started while moving behind Silas to lay a hand on the man 's shoulder , " that you should leave . Questioning my pack 's loyalty , not your best move , pup . But you walk out now without looking back , and I 'll let you go . " He paused , amending , " We will all let you go . " Instead , Roxa watched the eyes of the man holding her . The words she spoke , however , were for Tomas . " I wasn 't questioning the loyalty of your pack . Only one of them . The one that 's been talking to Lemuel for the past week , making plans to kill you . Like I said , he kills you , takes over the pack , and Lemuel absorbs them into his own . He gets your territory , your people , and all it costs him are whatever it took to buy off whichever one of these guys is your personal Judas . " Over the sound of the chorus of growls that came from every werewolf in the room , Tomas carefully , yet dangerously spoke . " Is that what I get for giving you a chance to leave ? You 're still trying to make my people doubt each other ? You the one working with Lemuel ? That the plan ? You come in , try to make us all start snapping at each other and then he picks up the pieces ? " Shifting as she was held against that wall , Roxa quietly asked , " Can I say one more thing ? " " Kid , " Tomas replied , " deep as the hole that you keep digging yourself into is , my suggestion is that you stop talking . But if you insist on going on with that shovel , I ain 't gonna stop you . Yet . " Her head bowed in a nod . " Like I said . I just need to say one more thing . Namy , you done ? " While the wolves were trying to work out what that meant , the pixie in question flew straight down from the overhead light where she had been perched . " Yup ! Nice distraction , Roxa . " She hovered down beside the blonde girl 's head , announcing , " We 're a badass , bitchin ' team . " The other nearest wolf , Vince , grabbed for the pixie . But Roxa quickly slipped free of Silas 's grip . Twisting and ducking under his arm , she put herself between the black wolf and her diminutive partner , raising a hand to stop him . " Wait , " she snapped . Her attention turned to Tomas . " My friend here did one thing while I was making sure that you called all these guys in to deal with me . She hacked their phones with this . " Holding her hand out , she waited for Namythiet to produce what looked like a simple red orb about the size of a tennis ball . The pixie simply pulled it out of the vastly smaller pouch at her waist , a simple feat for the race that had invented the extradimensional storage spaces that so many Heretics used to store things like their weapons . Under the watchful , distrustful stares of seven werewolves , Roxa turned the orb over . There was a single button on the side . " See , Namythiet 's a Hephaestetical pixie . In other words , she really likes technology . And she 's really , really good with it . So like I said , she hacked their phones . And this thing , " she continued while tossing the orb up and then catching it . " Is gonna play back a very … special conversation that one of your people had on their phone a few minutes before I walked in here . You hear that conversation , then we 'll see whether I 'm still your biggest problem . " Tomas gave her a long , silent look for a moment before flatly insisting , " I trust my people . " In response , Roxa 's thumb pressed the button on the orb . As she did , there was an audible click . Silas 's hand lashed out to smack the ball out of her hand , sending it across the room while the blond man himself backhanded her across the face with his other hand . Yet even as Roxa hit the wall once more , with the other wolves lunging to get their piece of her , a voice filled the room from the orb , which had rolled under the nearby pool table . " Tonight , " Lemuel 's voice insisted with obvious annoyance . " We 're not waiting around anymore . Get it done , or tLunging up and over the bar , she went through the still - swinging door in time to see Vince crashing through another one at the far end that led out into the alley behind the bar . In the alley , Vince was already yanking a motorcycle around that had been resting against the wall there . He glanced over his shoulder , gave her a dark glare , and then took off with a squeal of tires and the loud roar of the bike 's engine . For most werewolves , that would have been the end of it . They were fast in human form , but not as fast as a motorcycle . And changing into wolf - form would 've taken far too long , even for those who were very good at it . But Roxa wasn 't most werewolves . She was a werewolf - Heretic . And the very first power , aside from the peridle 's healing ability , that she had absorbed during her time at Crossroads had been enhanced speed . It didn 't let her break the sound barrier , or even move as fast as a good car could get up to . But she could reach speeds approaching seventy miles per hour . And she put that speed to work catching up with the man on the motorcycle . Whistling sharply , she sprinted after the fleeing figure . Vince hit the end of the street and took a sharp left , tires screaming in protest . Roxa , meanwhile , pivoted and ran straight for the nearest building . Summoning all the strength that she could , the girl leapt high enough to barely catch hold of the bottom of the fire escape . With a grunt , she hauled herself up and onto the metal railing there . Instead of continuing to climb that way , however , the blonde girl threw herself off the fire escape . Her feet landed on the edge of a windowsill further up , and she jumped from there back to the metal railing on the next landing up . She continued that way , jumping from window to fire escape to climb much faster than simply using the stairs . With the shortcut combined with her own enhanced speed , the girl was on the roof of the building within a handful of seconds . Hitting the roof , she took off to the other side , arriving just in time to see Vince far below as the man completed his turn around the corner and began racing away , perpendicular to the way he had been going before . Roxa didn 't hesitate . Still sprinting , feet kicking up small pebbles from the roof , she leapt out into the open air . Her feet windmilled a few times as she soared across the width of the entire street , before landing on the roof of the building on the opposite side . She stumbled slightly , but caught herself , glanced down at the motorcycle on the street below , and kept running . Still , despite her enhanced speed and elevated position , Vince was already pulling away . The motorcycle wasn 't stopped by traffic , able to weave in and out as needed , and could even leap onto the sidewalk where it needed to . Other cars , or even pedestrians , weren 't an issue . He was slowly , but steadily , pulling away . But Roxa wouldn 't let that happen . Taking three more steps to the edge of the last building , she leapt off while giving another sharp whistle . Rather than jumping toward the next roof , she leapt down toward the fleeing motorcycle . As she plummeted , Roxa saw a small metal figure racing along the road far below . An instant later , Gidget threw herself up , transforming in mid - air . The robot cougar shifted into her hoverboard form , flying straight up at an angle that let her intercept the blonde girl in mid - fall . Catching herself on the board , Roxa angled to continue the chase . The board streaked down , pulling up a bare foot from the pavement before leveling out . Now the motorcycle wasn 't nearly as much of an advantage . And despite the time that it had taken for her to join up with Gidget , Roxa had managed to stop Vince from gaining an insurmountable lead . He was only at the other end of the block when she got her board under control . And that distance was about to shrink rapidly . A car was coming straight for her , horn blaring . Roxa simply angled her board up , flying slightly higher to go up and over . On the far side of the car , which was already screeching to a stop , she kept going without even glancing back . Another car , weave to the right . Doing so put her right up against a moving truck , so she angled the board to ride along the side of it , even as Gidget put out straps to hold Roxa 's feet to the board so that she could fly along basically sideways without falling off . More cars , coming and going . None presented much of an obstacle for the combination of Gidget 's maneuverability and Roxa 's own reflexes . She flew around , over , and in the case of one particular semi - truck , under the vehic " Sorry for giving your little pup there a hard time . " About an hour after that little fight , Roxa and the rest of her pack were back in the bar . This time , the others were all in human form . The man speaking was Tomas . Beside him sat Silas . The blond man was still injured , since the silver from Vince 's blade wouldn 't regenerate the way most injuries did . But it had been bandaged up , and Namythiet had helped to make sure that the man didn 't bleed out before the man 's packmates could get to him . " It 's all right , " Mateo replied , speaking up for his own pack . " The whole reason she came in here by herself was to draw attention . We had to give Namythiet over there a chance to get into their phones , and do it publicly so you knew what was going on . After that , we figured your traitor would run right to wherever his handlers from Lemuel 's pack were . Just had to make them believe that she was on her own so they 'd show themselves . " " You get what you needed from them ? " Tomas asked before slowly turning to look at the far corner , where the unconscious , heavily injured form of Vince himself was trussed up . " Because I don 't mind asking my old friend a few more questions . " " We got enough before his men died , " Mateo assured him . " We know where Lemuel 's pack is heading next . Which means we can get ahead of them . " Tomas shook his head . " Still think you 're crazy , going after that psycho . I 've got a hard enough time just keeping his bastards out of my territory . " His eyes glanced toward Vince again . " … though maybe I ain 't doing as good of a job on that as I thought . " " Lemuel and his super - pack are a problem that 's not gonna go away , " Mateo intoned flatly . " They keep getting bigger . He 's snatching Alter and human kids , turning them , building his forces . He 's gonna keep expanding until someone stops him , until that pack gets broken up . " For a moment , Tomas didn 't say anything . He simply stood there , hand Silas 's shoulder . Finally , he asked , " You asking Her eyes turned , taking in the sight of Fezzik gleefully poring over the jukebox with Namythiet 's help , a still - bloody Lesedi steadily drinking two of Tomas 's pack under the table , Hasty teaching three other wolves to dance while loudly bitching at Fezzik to pick a song and stick to it , and Corson playing cards with another wolf while trying to pretend that he didn 't know what he was doing . " It 's like Mateo always says , " Roxa murmured mostly under her breath . " Pack isn 't just friends . " It 's family . "
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For as long as she could remember , Roxanne ' Roxa ' Pittman had been accustomed to eyes following her whenever she entered a room . As a child , she had been judged by the other orphans . With her pretty blonde hair and bright blue eyes , there had been plenty of others in the foster system who saw her as a threat to their own ability to be adopted . And of course , there were the parents themselves , people who were basically auditioning kids to be part of their family . Everything she said , everything she did , everything she was had constantly been judged . Once she 'd run away from her last foster family at the age of nine ( after stabbing the abusive father with a knife when he tried to touch her ) , people had started watching Roxa for a variety of other reasons . She was a blonde girl out on the street . Some people watched her for … less than savory reasons , while others simply wanted to help . But their way of ' helping ' was usually to call the cops . And the police would just take her back to the system that she 'd already given up on . Then there were the people who watched her not for either of those reasons , but because they saw a thief , a ratty , dirty girl out on the streets who stole from them . They saw her as something less than human because she had no roof over her head , no family to live with , no school to go to . They saw her as something to kick out of their stores , away from their paying customers and out from under their roofs . They watched her , judged her , and wanted to make her disappear . The point was that throughout every ' phase ' of her life , Roxa had been watched and judged by people who didn 't actually know her . Whether they thought she was a criminal , a potential daughter , a little thug who belonged in prison , or a clueless Silverstone in the case of her recent Heretic classmates , everyone had their opinion based on little more than looking at her . And now … well , now she was still being watched and judged for several reasons . Some of them just as familiar as they had always been , while others were … somewhat new . The door of the bar that Roxa stepped into had barely closed behind her when a massive form stepped into her path . Her head tilted up to find a big black guy , a few inches over six feet tall and built like a truck , standing there . He eyed her before rumbling , " Little young , aren 't ya ? " " It 's my birthday , " she replied , hand smoothly tugging the driver 's license from the pocket of her jeans . She held it up for the man to see the date , which proudly proclaimed her to be twenty - one as of that morning . It was a lie , of course . Well , mostly . Her birthday was that day , but she definitely hadn 't turned twenty - one . The fake ID was a few years off . She was actually eighteen . " Well , happy birthday to you , " the bouncer announced , handing the ID back with a shrug . " But the dog can 't come in . " He jabbed a finger past Roxa , to the animal that entered alongside her . Roxa 's gaze followed his , and she glanced down to what looked , for the moment , like a rather large doberman . " Gidget , " she spoke For a moment , Roxa just looked at the man . He had red hair that had been fashioned into a simple crew cut , and was very slightly balding in the front . If he was human , she would have put his age at around forty - five . But for a werewolf , she had no idea . They aged slower than humans , that much she knew . But she wasn 't good enough to even make a wild guess . Finally , as the man 's two companion ( the black guy named Vince and another man with long dirty blond hair ) pushed away from the pool table with hard looks , she responded . " Last time I checked , ignoring either your nose or your eyes was a bad idea . Why not listen to both of them ? " " A werewolf - Heretic , " the red - haired man muttered , head shaking slowly . " Now I 've seen everything . Most times one of your kind get turned , his ' friends ' make it a special a point to get rid of him . Or her . So why 're you special ? And the point was , you here as what I can see , or here as what I can smell ? Werewolf or Heretic , which one just walked into my favorite bar ? " " I 'm not here to start a fight , " Roxa replied simply . " Does it really matter what I am beyond that ? I 'm just here to ask for information . Information that I can pay for . " From her pocket , she produced a roll of fifty - dollar bills , counting off four of them before putting them on the pool table . " For taking the time to talk to me . The rest of it if you answer my questions . " The blond man , the only one who hadn 't spoken yet , snatched the money off the table and passed three of the four bills over to his obvious leader . " What do ya wanna know ? Maybe then we decide if we wanna talk , or just take the population of Heretic - Wolves back down to zero . " " A man named Lemuel . " Roxa watched each of their reactions closely . " I 'm looking for him . " The red - haired leader gave an obvious snarl . " You looking to join up with that bastard , pup , and we 'll have more problems than that wad o ' bills you 've got there can get your ass out of . His kind 's less welcome here than yours is . So if he 's the one you 're looking for , go on and piss off . " That drew a laugh from the blond man , who ran a hand back through his long hair and gave her a mocking smirk . " Got news for you , pup , Lemuel 's pack 'll tear you down to the bones before you get within twenty feet of the old prick . You might think you 're hot shit cuz you 've got werewolf mixed in with Heretic , but you ain 't nothing but a bug on a windshield to someone like Lemuel . " " That 's enough , Silas , " the red - haired leader informed his subordinate before looking back to Roxa . " But he ain 't wrong . You go after Lemuel , his pack 'll take you apart . And if you 're looking for him , you came to the wrong bar . Wrong neighborhood . Wrong zip code . His kind ain 't welcome here . This is my territory , and I don 't like people like that fucking up the peace and quiet . Wolves like Lemuel and his kind , they draw attention . Attention we 'd rather avoid . " Roxa 's head turned slightly , and she sniffed twice . Two more - no , three more werewolves had entered the room . She could smell one standing by the entrance that she had come in , while two others stood by the hall that led to the restroom and the emergency exit . Clearly , all three had been summoned as backup in case she started something . Six werewolves , all watching her every move , several of them itching for any excuse to put her down . " I dunno , Tomas , " the black guy , Vince , remarked . " She might make a good recruit , if you talk her out of this suicide plan . Heretic - wolf on our side ? Could add a lot of muscle to the pack . " Before the leader , Tomas , could respond to that , Roxa shook her head . " Not interested . Like I said , I 'm here for information . I just have one question . And that question is … " Holding up the wad of bills so that every wolf in the crowded room could see it , she finished , " Which one of you is working with Lemuel to kill Tomas and take over so that he can absorb your pack into his ? " Well , if she wanted to get their attention , Roxa sure succeeded then . Silas took a quick step forward . His hand caught her arm , wh " I think , " Tomas started while moving behind Silas to lay a hand on the man 's shoulder , " that you should leave . Questioning my pack 's loyalty , not your best move , pup . But you walk out now without looking back , and I 'll let you go . " He paused , amending , " We will all let you go . " Instead , Roxa watched the eyes of the man holding her . The words she spoke , however , were for Tomas . " I wasn 't questioning the loyalty of your pack . Only one of them . The one that 's been talking to Lemuel for the past week , making plans to kill you . Like I said , he kills you , takes over the pack , and Lemuel absorbs them into his own . He gets your territory , your people , and all it costs him are whatever it took to buy off whichever one of these guys is your personal Judas . " Over the sound of the chorus of growls that came from every werewolf in the room , Tomas carefully , yet dangerously spoke . " Is that what I get for giving you a chance to leave ? You 're still trying to make my people doubt each other ? You the one working with Lemuel ? That the plan ? You come in , try to make us all start snapping at each other and then he picks up the pieces ? " Shifting as she was held against that wall , Roxa quietly asked , " Can I say one more thing ? " " Kid , " Tomas replied , " deep as the hole that you keep digging yourself into is , my suggestion is that you stop talking . But if you insist on going on with that shovel , I ain 't gonna stop you . Yet . " Her head bowed in a nod . " Like I said . I just need to say one more thing . Namy , you done ? " While the wolves were trying to work out what that meant , the pixie in question flew straight down from the overhead light where she had been perched . " Yup ! Nice distraction , Roxa . " She hovered down beside the blonde girl 's head , announcing , " We 're a badass , bitchin ' team . " The other nearest wolf , Vince , grabbed for the pixie . But Roxa quickly slipped free of Silas 's grip . Twisting and ducking under his arm , she put herself between the black wolf and her diminutive partner , raising a hand to stop him . " Wait , " she snapped . Her attention turned to Tomas . " My friend here did one thing while I was making sure that you called all these guys in to deal with me . She hacked their phones with this . " Holding her hand out , she waited for Namythiet to produce what looked like a simple red orb about the size of a tennis ball . The pixie simply pulled it out of the vastly smaller pouch at her waist , a simple feat for the race that had invented the extradimensional storage spaces that so many Heretics used to store things like their weapons . Under the watchful , distrustful stares of seven werewolves , Roxa turned the orb over . There was a single button on the side . " See , Namythiet 's a Hephaestetical pixie . In other words , she really likes technology . And she 's really , really good with it . So like I said , she hacked their phones . And this thing , " she continued while tossing the orb up and then catching it . " Is gonna play back a very … special conversation that one of your people had on their phone a few minutes before I walked in here . You hear that conversation , then we 'll see whether I 'm still your biggest problem . " Tomas gave her a long , silent look for a moment before flatly insisting , " I trust my people . " In response , Roxa 's thumb pressed the button on the orb . As she did , there was an audible click . Silas 's hand lashed out to smack the ball out of her hand , sending it across the room while the blond man himself backhanded her across the face with his other hand . Yet even as Roxa hit the wall once more , with the other wolves lunging to get their piece of her , a voice filled the room from the orb , which had rolled under the nearby pool table . " Tonight , " Lemuel 's voice insisted with obvious annoyance . " We 're not waiting around anymore . Get it done , or tLunging up and over the bar , she went through the still - swinging door in time to see Vince crashing through another one at the far end that led out into the alley behind the bar . In the alley , Vince was already yanking a motorcycle around that had been resting against the wall there . He glanced over his shoulder , gave her a dark glare , and then took off with a squeal of tires and the loud roar of the bike 's engine . For most werewolves , that would have been the end of it . They were fast in human form , but not as fast as a motorcycle . And changing into wolf - form would 've taken far too long , even for those who were very good at it . But Roxa wasn 't most werewolves . She was a werewolf - Heretic . And the very first power , aside from the peridle 's healing ability , that she had absorbed during her time at Crossroads had been enhanced speed . It didn 't let her break the sound barrier , or even move as fast as a good car could get up to . But she could reach speeds approaching seventy miles per hour . And she put that speed to work catching up with the man on the motorcycle . Whistling sharply , she sprinted after the fleeing figure . Vince hit the end of the street and took a sharp left , tires screaming in protest . Roxa , meanwhile , pivoted and ran straight for the nearest building . Summoning all the strength that she could , the girl leapt high enough to barely catch hold of the bottom of the fire escape . With a grunt , she hauled herself up and onto the metal railing there . Instead of continuing to climb that way , however , the blonde girl threw herself off the fire escape . Her feet landed on the edge of a windowsill further up , and she jumped from there back to the metal railing on the next landing up . She continued that way , jumping from window to fire escape to climb much faster than simply using the stairs . With the shortcut combined with her own enhanced speed , the girl was on the roof of the building within a handful of seconds . Hitting the roof , she took off to the other side , arriving just in time to see Vince far below as the man completed his turn around the corner and began racing away , perpendicular to the way he had been going before . Roxa didn 't hesitate . Still sprinting , feet kicking up small pebbles from the roof , she leapt out into the open air . Her feet windmilled a few times as she soared across the width of the entire street , before landing on the roof of the building on the opposite side . She stumbled slightly , but caught herself , glanced down at the motorcycle on the street below , and kept running . Still , despite her enhanced speed and elevated position , Vince was already pulling away . The motorcycle wasn 't stopped by traffic , able to weave in and out as needed , and could even leap onto the sidewalk where it needed to . Other cars , or even pedestrians , weren 't an issue . He was slowly , but steadily , pulling away . But Roxa wouldn 't let that happen . Taking three more steps to the edge of the last building , she leapt off while giving another sharp whistle . Rather than jumping toward the next roof , she leapt down toward the fleeing motorcycle . As she plummeted , Roxa saw a small metal figure racing along the road far below . An instant later , Gidget threw herself up , transforming in mid - air . The robot cougar shifted into her hoverboard form , flying straight up at an angle that let her intercept the blonde girl in mid - fall . Catching herself on the board , Roxa angled to continue the chase . The board streaked down , pulling up a bare foot from the pavement before leveling out . Now the motorcycle wasn 't nearly as much of an advantage . And despite the time that it had taken for her to join up with Gidget , Roxa had managed to stop Vince from gaining an insurmountable lead . He was only at the other end of the block when she got her board under control . And that distance was about to shrink rapidly . A car was coming straight for her , horn blaring . Roxa simply angled her board up , flying slightly higher to go up and over . On the far side of the car , which was already screeching to a stop , she kept going without even glancing back . Another car , weave to the right . Doing so put her right up against a moving truck , so she angled the board to ride along the side of it , even as Gidget put out straps to hold Roxa 's feet to the board so that she could fly along basically sideways without falling off . More cars , coming and going . None presented much of an obstacle for the combination of Gidget 's maneuverability and Roxa 's own reflexes . She flew around , over , and in the case of one particular semi - truck , under the vehic " Sorry for giving your little pup there a hard time . " About an hour after that little fight , Roxa and the rest of her pack were back in the bar . This time , the others were all in human form . The man speaking was Tomas . Beside him sat Silas . The blond man was still injured , since the silver from Vince 's blade wouldn 't regenerate the way most injuries did . But it had been bandaged up , and Namythiet had helped to make sure that the man didn 't bleed out before the man 's packmates could get to him . " It 's all right , " Mateo replied , speaking up for his own pack . " The whole reason she came in here by herself was to draw attention . We had to give Namythiet over there a chance to get into their phones , and do it publicly so you knew what was going on . After that , we figured your traitor would run right to wherever his handlers from Lemuel 's pack were . Just had to make them believe that she was on her own so they 'd show themselves . " " You get what you needed from them ? " Tomas asked before slowly turning to look at the far corner , where the unconscious , heavily injured form of Vince himself was trussed up . " Because I don 't mind asking my old friend a few more questions . " " We got enough before his men died , " Mateo assured him . " We know where Lemuel 's pack is heading next . Which means we can get ahead of them . " Tomas shook his head . " Still think you 're crazy , going after that psycho . I 've got a hard enough time just keeping his bastards out of my territory . " His eyes glanced toward Vince again . " … though maybe I ain 't doing as good of a job on that as I thought . " " Lemuel and his super - pack are a problem that 's not gonna go away , " Mateo intoned flatly . " They keep getting bigger . He 's snatching Alter and human kids , turning them , building his forces . He 's gonna keep expanding until someone stops him , until that pack gets broken up . " For a moment , Tomas didn 't say anything . He simply stood there , hand Silas 's shoulder . Finally , he asked , " You asking Her eyes turned , taking in the sight of Fezzik gleefully poring over the jukebox with Namythiet 's help , a still - bloody Lesedi steadily drinking two of Tomas 's pack under the table , Hasty teaching three other wolves to dance while loudly bitching at Fezzik to pick a song and stick to it , and Corson playing cards with another wolf while trying to pretend that he didn 't know what he was doing . " It 's like Mateo always says , " Roxa murmured mostly under her breath . " Pack isn 't just friends . " It 's family . "
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My mother is very upset at the fact that I 'm going to be moving out next month . I 've been living at home for the past three years in order to save money so I can buy a place instead of renting . But after a year of active searching for the perfect home I 've decided that enough is enough and I gotta get out . I have to move out by the first of August because if I don 't do it then , I will never do it . I 've got the first week of August off before I start taking intensive courses again and so it 's the perfect time to move . Once I start my new job in September I know I 'll be too busy and too stressed to look for a place . So I told my mother this this afternoon and she was quite unhappy . She told me that I 'd be throwing my money away by renting and I think was slightly offended that I 'm in such a rush to move out . She may have a point . Logically speaking , it 's much better that I remain at home and continue saving my money , but my sanity ! My sanity has got to take precedence this time . Toots told me to tell my mom that I 'm NOT throwing money away on rent and suggested giving one of these justifications : a ) " I 'm not paying rent . My pimp is putting me up for free " b ) " I 'm not spending money on rent . I 'm spending money on my sanity " c ) " Until you change your policy on orgies , I have to move out " d ) " It won 't cost me anything . You guys , on the other hand . . . " e ) All of the aboveI thought and thought and thought and finally decided on choice C . I 'm not sure I want to be a prostitute ( a ) , if I actually TELL her that I value my sanity ( b ) she 'll get offended , and if I suggest that they pay my rent ( d ) I 'll be given a dirty look . Plus , I knew that there was no way in hell she 'd know what orgies were and , in order to try to get me to stay , might actually change her policy ; ) So I come home and bring up the discussion again with my mom , trying to convince her that I 'm not running away from her and that it 's just time for me to have my own place . You know , new job , new beginnings , etc . She 's still being belligerent and so I tell her calmly , Thoughts shared by Carmen at 7 : 54 PM Next to the Netherlands - Portugal game ( where the players were basically butchering each other on the field . . . it was nasty ! It was AWESOME ! ) , the Brazil - Ghana game is my favorite so far . I won 't sit and analyze the plays because , well , I can 't . I 've just recently learned what the yellow and red cards mean and I still haven 't been able to get my head around the whole offside rule . I loved this game because Brazil and Ghana played like comrades . It was a spirit of HEALTHY competition and I loved watching the players interact with one another . I know many predicted a major upset for Brazil , but I had faith that my boys would come through . I would have loved for Ghana to have gotten at least one goal though . Regardless , they played well . I have to pass by their shops in Midtown in order to get to work so I 'll let you know how the ones in NY are taking it ! I took the morning off work so I could watch the game ( Ghana vs Brazil ) . This is the SECOND time I do this . And why did I do it ? ? Am I really a soccer fan ? No ! I 'm not . After July 9th I will probably not watch another full match until 2010 . But I woke up with such a pit in my stomach . And as I was getting dressed , listening to NPR , the pit just grew . The reporter was live in Dortmund , talking to Brazilian and Ghanaian fans . The atmosphere was so electric and I wished that I had had mutant powers to just shift myself over there . I had planned last night to watch the first half of the game at a bar across the street from my job and then run upstairs to start work , but that would mean that ALL the action would take place in the second half . Such is the luck of S . So instead , I am sitting at home right now anxiously waiting for the match to begin , watching the Spanish broadcasters place bets on who 's going to win ( they 're all betting on Brazil though they admit it 's going to be a tough match ) . I have to say this . . . if the World Cup has done anything it 's helped me improve my Spanish ten - fold ! I was having a conversation with an old friend on MSN the other day . She 's a die - hard Argentina fan so we were discussing the game this past weekend ( Arg vs Mex ) . She says  : its so funny my friend 's daughter , 4 yrs . , was watching the game with usand my freind was rooting for mexicoand so she pointed out one of them and asked her daughter , you like him ? he has nice hairso she said No Mama he 's Black  and then she said and all of them are brown , i dont like themit was soooooooooooooooo funny ! HAHAHAHA ! Blocked . I didn 't want to continue the conversation . Nothing , I repeat NOTHING , infuriates me more than racism . I get angry at religious bigotry and my nostrils will start flaring at sexism , but racist remarks make my blood boil . As excited as I am about the World Cup , I am aware of the racism that accompanies it and often feel guilty enjoying a sport where black players are habitually taunted . ( Nick Hornby in " Fever Pitch " touches on this in a much better manner than I ever could ) . I never attended my college graduation . I didn 't go because of a racist comment made during our rehearsal . It was early in the morning and I 'm already terribly cranky in the morning , so I knew that anything would set me off . We were sitting in our seats as the provost was telling us something or the other . No one was paying attention . I personally wanted to be back in bed . Why in the world was I at a rehearsal ? Why do I need to practice walking up on a stage , grabbing a diploma , and walking back to my seat ? Where 's the logic in that ? So the deal was that we sit and wait for our section to be called so we can go up on the stage and walk back down . They were going to start with the masters students first and then go through the undergrads in alphabetical order , which meant I had a long wait . So here I am , sitting , daydreaming . ( I was , at that time , contemplating between staying in Egypt or returning to NY to start grad school . . . I had a lot to think about ) . The M . A . candidates that year included one woman from Ghana who had finished a degree Thoughts shared by Carmen at 8 : 40 PM The Spanish broadcasters are having a field day with the Portugal - Netherlands game ! I swear , it 's like watching a bar brawl unfold before my eyes ! At the beginning of the match the commentators were talking about how well dressed and put together both teams were and now it 's all about how dirty they 're playing . Fun game ! Was doing some work on my computer just now and received an IM from one of my father 's colleagues . I feel all dirty inside . . . x : AhlanMe : Hix : ezayik ? ( how are you ? ) Me : Good . Hating the weather . . . it 's making me sluggish . x : ah wallahyx : s i have strong urgex : to have afairMe : i don 't think you should do itMe : they 're always disastrousMe : especially if you have a familyx : i knowx : but it is so intensex : i feel it will be one timex : but not sureMe : whatever you choose , just be carefulMe : with yourself and your familyx : how is rx : thanxMe : he 's goodMe : samex : s ana ba7bek ( S , I love you ) x : ba7bek begad ( love you for real ) Me : Um . . . . x : mish 3arfek kewayes bas what i know ( i don 't know you well but what I know ) x : mekhaleny a7bek ( makes me love you ) x : enty feky 7agah ( you have something ) x : attractivex : mesh 3aref eih ( I don 't know what ) I think I need to go take a shower . This man is my father 's age ! He 's married and has three children . I feel violated . . . For anyone in the NYC area : Girls Write Now is an organization which matches New York City high school girls with professional women writers . Through one - on - one mentoring , it aims to help the girls express themselves and find their voice through creative writing . Tomorrow the girls will be reading original works at the Barnes & Noble in Astor Place from 4 - 6 . The theme of the program , " Behind My Eyes " , actually comes from a piece written by a student from the school I 'll be teaching in . This girl has been in this country for less than four years and is already a superstar ! I took the morning off work today so I could watch the World Cup . It 's a disease , I know , but there was no way I would 've been able to concentrate on my students while my mind was wondering whether Italy cleaned up its act or if the US got its ass kicked by Ghana . On Monday one of the other teachers came into the teacher 's lounge in the happiest of moods . He 's a very sullen teacher and so to see him THAT perky actually upset the balance of my day . Matt : " WE MIGHT MAKE IT TO THE FINALS ! " Me : " Who 's we ? " Matt 's an avid soccer , sorry . . . football . . . fan . He follows European leagues with such a passion you kinda feel bad that he 's stuck here instead of spreading his cheer over there . I 'm a fair - weathered soccer fan . I 'll probably never watch a game unless it 's the World Cup or another big deal . At that point I 'll become a fanatic ( i . e . take days off work to watch the games , avoid making plans with ANYONE if a match is on ) . So when Matt says we might make it to the finals I can 't be sure who he 's talking about . Could it be England ? Italy ? Korea ? Matt : " US ! THE UNITED STATES ! ! ! WE MIGHT MAKE IT ! ! ! ! ! If they play well against Ghana next week and if Italy wins the next game we might actually have a chance ! " Oh . The US . I couldn 't find it in myself to share his enthusiasm . The team I 've been rooting for the least since the World Cup began is the United States , and I 'm not exactly sure why . I know one of the main reasons is because the Americans are SO COCKY and God help the world if they EVER win the World Cup or even come close to it . When Mexico won their first game against Iran I was riding the subway and overheard two guys talking about the game . Neither was Mexican , neither was Latin . Two ordinary Americans who probably don 't even know what a soccer ball looks like . I didn 't catch much of what they were saying , but did catch this : " Ha ! Mexico kicked their asses ! This 'll finally show them that our God is better than their God ! Where was their God during that game ! ! " Laughter . I put them in their place ( I have a tendency to Thoughts shared by Carmen at 10 : 11 AM Teaching ESL ( to adults ) has got to be the most interesting job in the world . You get exposed to the quirkiest characters and hear things that you believed only existed in the realm of sitcoms . Toots recently gave me " Mind Your Language " , a British comedy sitcom from the late 70s about the misadventures of a group of foreign students trying to learn English at night school . I 've never laughed so hard in my life ! Totally worth watching if you can get your hands on it . And don 't try to get it from Toots cuz he 's not getting it back from me . ( Toots is usually good with movie / book suggestions . . . the only time he ever erred was when he insisted I read " Jonathan Strange & Mr . Norrel " . I worship books . . . I would never deface one . However , I wanted to TORTURE that one ) . Anyway , I 've already exposed you to uranium ; here 's one my all time favorite stories from my classroom , also known as the breastfuck story : Was trying to get the class to understand when to use the past tense vs the present perfect . I ask one student to tell me what he did that particular morning . Student : " I wake up at 7 . " Me : " You wake up at 7 ? This morning ? " Student : " Sorry , S , I WOKE up ! WOKE up at 7 ! " Me : " Very good ! What did you do after you woke up ? " Student : " I brush my . . . BRUSHED ! I brushed my teeth . " He waited at this point for a little bit for me to acknowledge that he corrected himself , kinda like a seal waiting for his fish as a reward , and so I smiled at him and gave him thumbs up , so he continued . Student : " I had the big breastfuck and then . . . " Me : " What ? Wait , what did you have ? " Student : " Um . . . I have the big breastfuck ? Am having ? Will have had ? " He started rolling off all the tenses that he knew . Beads of sweat were forming on his forehead . The class looked confused . . . they were afraid that I was going to pick on one of them to help correct him . I just wanted to make sure I had heard what I heard so I asked him again to repeat himself . Student : " Sorry ! I don 't know ! ! ! I had the big breastfuck ? ? ? ? ? I make the eggs and the bread and the cakes . " I honestly Thoughts shared by Carmen at 10 : 24 AM What a horribly awful night ! ! It was so hot last night , so humid . . . I got up almost every hour on the hour . I hate NY summers . I love all the wonderful events that are held , but the weather is just awful . Give me dry heat anytime . My hair and I ( and my mother 's menopause ) can 't deal with the humidity . At our Christmas party last year I had had a little too many rum and cokes . I don 't usually drink . I never started drinking till I was 27 or so . I can have a glass of wine . . . no , half a glass of wine and I 'm done . So after three rum and cokes S gets a little too happy and starts dancing , um , somewhat inappropriately with her student . Poor kid . . . he didn 't even want to dance with me at first . The internship coordinator practically threw him at me ; " Go dance with her ! ! " Student responds , " I can 't ! She 's my teacher ! ! " I stop teaching adults this summer and start teaching teenagers in September . Definitely won 't be as fun . I went to the salon after work yesterday to get highlights . What better way to welcome summertime and its easy living ? The salon wasn 't very crowded . There were probably three women there getting their hair done and one getting a pedicure . All of them very distinguishable white , Jewish girls ( there 's a point to me mentioning this ) . The stylists are walking around the salon , joking with each other . Three of them are Puerto Rican ( two women , one gay man ) and glide between English and Spanish like it ain 't no thing . Whenever they want to insult each other ( or the patrons ) they switch to Spanish and start cackling . They are , at this point , convinced that no one else in the salon can understand Spanish . They know I 'm Egyptian and that the closest the other women have ever gotten to Spanish was by listening to La Bamba . While I find Puerto Rican and Dominican Spanish the HARDEST to understand ( dropped s 's , slurred r 's ) , I 've been surrounded by enough Dominicans to easily follow a conversation . A handful of cackles later they decide that they 're hungry and start arguing about which restaurant to order their food from . One of the women wants Cuban , the gay guy wants Italian . The third woman suggests a small seafood restaurant around the corner . Jose ( flamboyantly ) : I AM NOT GOING TO EAT FOOD FROM THAT PLACE ! Fernanda : Cono Jose ! Que es la problema ahora mismo ? ( Fuck , Jose . What 's the problem now ? ) Sandy : What the hell is wrong with the restaurant ? ! We eat there all the time ! Jose : I am NOT eating from that restaurant . The food there smells like chocha ( pussy ) . Fernanda and Sandy in unison : How the fuck would you know pajaro loco ? ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ( crazy fag ) I 've never really understood why people think pussy smells like rancid fish . I mean , I 've had the privilege of smelling my own , and I know for a fact that there 's nothing fishy about it . Is this just an American thing or is this a universal notion ? ? How bad is it , really , that I made my French student read quite a long passage today in class just because his accent was incredibly entrancing ? ! ? I could 've spent the entire ninety minutes assigning readings to him just to listen . Teaching English to foreign students is a hazardous job . . . * * * * When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life , the American ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor . At the dinner table the Ambassador 's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle . " Your husband has been such a prominent public figure , such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years ! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison . What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years ? " " A penis , " replied Madame de Gaulle . A huge hush fell over the table . Everyone heard her answer . . . and no one knew what to say next . Finally , Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said , " Ma cherie , I believe zee Americans pronounce zat word ' appiness . ' " Hakim , The Lion of Egypt and his Egyptian Orchestra with special guest Karina Pasian Saturday , July 08 , 2006From 3 : 00 PM to 6 : 00 PMCentral Park SummerStageA celebrated idol of Middle Eastern pop is joined by one of the most promising new discoveries in R & B . FREE - - - - - - A couple of years ago , while still living in Egypt , I went to a friend 's wedding at the Hilton . It was 2am , I was bored out of my wits ( once you 've been to ONE Egyptian wedding , you 've been to ALL ) , the music was too loud and so I decided to step out of the hall for a little bit . I stood next to the buffet munching on the leftovers . I had wanted to go home but the fiance wanted to stick around because Hakim was supposed to make an appearance . I hated Hakim at the time , truly hated his popular music . I was raised with Abdel Halim Hafez , Shadia , and Farid El Atrache ( the classics ) , so Hakim , et al never really did it for me . So I 'm munching , just standing around . Hakim was about an hour and a half late and I was ready to go home . Suddenly he decided to show up . He stood next to me , outside the hall , waiting to be introduced to the crowd . He looked at me , winked , and beckoned me over to him . I 'm not sure what he was thinking when he did that ; did he really think I would 've rushed over to him , like a groupie ? ? ? I just pretended that I didn 't see him and found something else to eat , a little farther away from him . He ran inside when introduced and so I went in to watch and join in the festivities . The ENTIRE time on stage he kept looking at me and winking . I mean , the flirtation wasn 't even subtle ! The fiance , who had wanted to stay for the show , was actually ready to leave ! After he finished his first set I went to the bathroom and on my way back ran into him again . Wink , smile , beckon . I kept walking towards the hall . I understand that men with good looks or money probably don 't need any game . I mean , Brad Pitt can get it without opening his mouth , George Clooney can get just by being there . But still , one needs to have game . I still have the videotape of Thoughts shared by Carmen at 7 : 04 PM Met Toots today at a sports bar to watch the Brazil and Croatia game . He took the day off work because too many good games were on today and he was literally going to get sick at the thought of missing them ! I work the mornings this week and so have the afternoons off , giving me the chance to catch most of the games . Astoria in Queens had World Cup fever . The Croatians had their own bars , the Brazilians mingled everywhere . It wasn 't a particularly exciting game , but when Brazil won Astoria EXPLODED ! Cars honking , people screaming , flags flying everywhere ! After the match ended we walked back to his house and nearly passed a Croatian bar . The fans were standing outside , a bit morose , and I was TERRIFIED to walk in front of them because this is what I was wearing : So I made him cross the street QUICKLY . As we were doing so we looked to our left and saw a Brazilian entourage walking towards the bar . It was like a scene out of West Side Story ! The Brazilians on the left , making their way towards the Croatians on the right . We crossed the street and stood there , practically waiting for them to break into song and dance before duking it out . I think the anticipation of what was going to happen excited us more than the game itself ! ! So the Brazilians are singing , they clearly see that they 're approaching this bar , and next thing you know the cops across the street in their van honk to indicate their presence . Nothing really happened . . . the Brazilians walked past the bar , the Croatians bit their tongues . Toots and I were hoping for a little " Jets " and " Sharks " sequence , but no such luck . We walked around for a little bit after that , the Brazilians cheering whenever they saw me and my shirt . At one point we pass an old woman , she must have been in her late 60s , who , when she saw my shirt , stopped us and said : " I hate the Croatians . They 're pieces of shit . I 'm glad Brazil kicked their ass [ yes , the 60 year old woman said that ] . I hate the Serbians . I hate the Slovenians . " Quite a bitter woman , don 't you think ? A little later a mThoughts shared by Carmen at 10 : 53 PM I swear I used to have much more depth when I was younger . I was an fervent feminist and humanist . I was politically active in SO many causes . I was militant . I organized protests , wrote action plans , published articles , conducted interviews with refugees for asylum cases , lectured in colleges . . . the whole shebang . To get my support for ANYTHING you needed to earn it , and it was quite hard to do that . I was very selective . If I were going to give you my all , you 'd better deserve it ( sadly this never translated into my love life , much to the dismay of my best friend who has never been able to make sense of my taste in men ) . Somehow , though , as I 've gotten older I 've become less passionate about certain things and more passionate about others ( it 's true people . . . something happens when you turn 30 . I 've often scoffed at others who spouted such nonsense , but I 'm living proof that a change does happen ) . I 'm not as politically active as I used to be . . . I think I just got tired . I still give to the community , but have moved from the politics to social activism . And I now give my total and utmost support to any soccer team that has the yummiest men . It 's sad , really , and quite embarrassing to admit . But as I 'm getting older and getting more and more comfortable in my skin , as I 'm beginning to embrace my sexuality and sensuality , I 've simply become much more earthly . And , sad to say , somewhat superficial . I 'm hoping it 's just a phase and that I 'll go back to the activist I used to be . Maybe I 'll be able to combine both sides , but until then I 've decided to stop beating myself up and just enjoy enjoy the earthiness . I mean , 30 has got to be good for something . Nearly a year ago I sent in one of my pieces for publication for an anthology on Muslim women 's resistance post 9 / 11 . It was chosen for publication and the editor just wrote to me to inform me that the book has finally been released ! ! I should be receiving my copy from the publishers soon though I 'm itching to order it off Amazon right now . Anyway , a lot of great women worked on this anthology and we 'll be promoting it via various book readings throughout the country , so you should check it out . And no , I 'm not shamelessly plugging this for extra cash . I get only a one - time payment for this and even if the book sells like hotcakes I won 't be getting any royalties . Check it out cuz it gave us women a forum to air our grievances . * * * * * * * * * Editorial ReviewsBook DescriptionVoices of Resistance is a diverse collection of personal narratives and prose by Muslim women whose experiences and observations are particularly poignant in today 's politically and religiously charged environment . The contributors in this anthology hail from Yemen , Iran , Palestine , Afghanistan , Kashmir , Pakistan , India , Bangladesh , Malaysia , Thailand , China , Canada , and the United States . Sarah Husain conceptualized this collection as a means of redefining the stereotypical depictions of Muslim women that inundate current western discourse on the Islamic " other . " She seeks to dispel the image of the veil as the age - old symbol of Muslim women 's repression and move beyond sterile representations and narrow debates about the contemporary realities of Muslim women . These women engage in discourses concerning their bodies and their communities . A woman mourns the death of a cousin killed in a suicide bombing ; a transsexual remembers with fondness the donning of the veil he no longer wears as a Muslim man ; a woman confronts sexism and hypocrisy on a pilgrimage to Saudi Arabia ; and the experience of being judged on the basis of skin color and political and religious affiliation that is far more blatant and ubiquitous since the September 11 terrorist attThoughts shared by Carmen at 9 : 37 AM HA HA HA HA HA ! ! ! There 's no way this will EVER get old ! The Ivory Coast 's goalkeeper 's name is Tizi * , which made the game quite entertaining to watch yesterday ! More from the American commentators on yesterday 's Argentina vs Ivory Coast game : " Tizi is hurt ! " " The player aimed the ball at Tizi ! " * ( For the non - Arabic speaking people . . . " tizi " translates to " my ass " ) I started watching Engand vs Paraguay right now on channel 7 and was bored out of my wits . Americans should not allowed to be soccer commentators . Immediately changed the channel to the Spanish one and am now totally engaged ! I met three female tourists from the Netherlands today on the subway . They were looking at the subway map , totally confused , so I offered to help them . We talked for a bit and I asked them what brought them to New York and , in unison , they grumbled " the World Cup " . But isn 't it in Germany ? Why would they come to New York for the World Cup ? Apparently the ladies HATE the World Cup . No . . . hate is too mild a word . They ABHOR it . Abhor it so much as a matter of fact that they flew thousands of miles to get away from it . They tolerate soccer , um , football in general , but mention the World Cup and their faces scrunch up . ( They were really cute too so I mentioned it a couple of times ! ) " Americans haven 't any knowledge about football . They will not be obsessed like over there . My boyfriend ignores me all month . The only times he knows I 'm missing is when I don 't bring him chips and beer while he 's watching with his friends . " At this juncture her friend starts laughing wildly and says , " he 'll notice now ! ! " I enjoy watching sports ( baseball and soccer ) for the most part . My ex was a die - hard Mets fan and it was hard not to catch the fever while watching the games with him . When the Mets play , I 'll actually sit and watch the entire game with pure excitement . I 'll do the same with soccer . But I 'm a quiet spectator . I won 't yell at the TV , if my team scores I 'll smile , if they lose I 'll hit something around me . My parents . . . oh my god . . . when Ahly plays the entire neighborhood knows . I was once walking home from work and heard my parents ' screams a block away . I 'm not exaggerating . They were THAT loud . My brother and I know better than to go near them if they 're watching a game . We 're rendered totally invisible . I wished the ladies fun on their trip in New York , but cringed when they informed me that they 're going to the Puerto Rican Day parade tomorrow . I can just imagine the men that 'll take advantage of the three beautiful blonde foreign chicks who are trying to get away from their football obsessed men . I think I 'm going through vacation withdrawal . I 've never experienced this before . I 've always loved going on vacations , but was always somewhat ready to return home and get my shit done . This time I want to throw everything away and just move somewhere and start a new life . And I swear if I hadn 't gotten this job , I would 've done just that . Was speaking with Toots earlier and he told me I should forget about the job , pack up , and just go . And if I were a little more impulsive and a little younger I might just have done that . For the first time in my life I 'm ready to make dramatic changes and for the VERY FIRST time I 'm actually tied down . I 've worked really hard to get to where I am right now , really , really hard , and I can 't see myself just throwing all that away because of wanderlust . I 've decided , though , that if I don 't get married within the next three years I 'm going to pack up my bags and move to Athens for a while . I 'm not being overly dramatic or laying down ultimatums , but if marriage doesn 't seem to be in the cards and I have no one to be responsible for I 'd rather move away . Three years will give me enough time to become professionally certified and have enough experience to be able to command some authority in my field . After that , anything goes . Toots was telling me that one of the major differences between our lives now and our lives three or four years ago is that NOW we 're actually doing something that 'll build up our careers , whereas before we were just tramps frolicking in the streets . We KNOW now that the work we 're doing now will lead to something , it 's not merely a waste of time anymore . Three years ago whatever it was that I was doing ( can 't even remember what right now ) meant nothing and didn 't really lead to anything . Now I 'm tied down to work that 's actually going to improve my future , so I guess all I can do now is just be patient and enjoy the fact that for the first time in my life I 've got my shit together . I had a student not too long ago who hailed from Athens . He was my toughest student . I had just changed careers and was just starting to develop my teaching craft . His Greek sarcasm and abrupt speech made it difficult to manage the classroom and there were times that I would begin to wonder whether teaching was even for me . It took a while to be able to control him and I believe that the only reason I was able to tolerate his smart ass was solely due to the Mediterranean blood we shared . During and after class we would always argue . About everything . I insisted the Greeks stole everything from the Egyptians , he claimed the Egyptians were nothing but a bunch of camel riders . One of our most fervent disagreements always centered on Cairo and Athens - - which city was better ? Neither one of us had ever visited each other 's respective cities , but we managed to shit on them regardless . I always considered Athens to be nothing but a run - down Cairo and I let it be known . So now that I 've actually visited Athens , albeit for only three days , I 've come to the conclusion that if I were to have to choose between the two cities , I would choose to live in Athens . Before the Cairenes start petitioning to strip me of my citizenship , let me explain why I would find life in Athens much more appealing ( for me ) . 1 . I love to walk . I love to walk everywhere . I get lazy sometimes and tend to rely on my car more often than I 'd care to , but I enjoy strolling in the street . I could never do that in Cairo , which was one of the main reasons I left it . Don 't give me the " of course you can walk in the streets of Cairo " because I know and you know that for a female that 's pure bullshit . I can 't tell you the amount of times I came home at the end of my wits because of the shit I had to endure in the streets . In AUC , the worst part of my day was when I had to switch campuses for my classes . Cairo does not allow you to be a free woman and I hate that . You can have your freedom but you have to manipulate your situation in order to get it , and I 'm a wThoughts shared by Carmen at 6 : 25 AM So , I happened to misread the time our plane was to leave Athens . The time read 15 : 00 . Now , I 'm really good with military time - don 't need to think about converting numbers . So I don 't know WHY IN THE WORLD I thought our flight was leaving at 1pm . We went out last night on our last night in Athens and didn 't get back to our hotel until 5am . Slept for a couple of hours , then got up and threw everything in our bags to race to the airport . When we arrive at 11am , I go to try to find out where we should check in only to discover my own stupidity . I was so bummed out . I REALLY wanted some extra time in our hotel ; wake up at a decent hour , have breakfast on the rooftop . . . basically , chill on our last day in Athens . But sadly , my wires were crossed . Thank GOD my travel buddy was a trooper . . . she didn 't care . We were both tired and dead from partying all night , but she didn 't make me feel like shit at all . We walk around the airport and sit near the cafeteria hoping that some coffee would wake our tired asses up . At this point I 'm still bitterly disappointed , holding back my frustration and tears . I stare at Jenni and say , " You know , we should just change our tickets and leave for Paris right now . Maybe we can go have lunch there or something " . ( Side bar : We were traveling Air France . Our original ticket had us fly from Athens to Paris with a two hour transit , so basically we wouldn 't be leaving the airport ) . Jenni looks at me and says , " you think we can do it ? " It wouldn 't hurt to try . So we rush back to the check - in to ask them if we could change our flight and she pushes some buttons on the computer . The anticipation at that point is killing me . What in the world do they do that takes so long to actually pull up the info ? ? Anyway , the woman tells us we would have to pay a fee if we want to change our ticket and before she even finishes the sentence we both have our credit cards out , ready to go to Paris for lunch . We 're such jet setters ! This was truly the most spontaneous thing I 've ever done in my life . We got on our flighThoughts shared by Carmen at 11 : 48 PM Just arrived in Athens after nearly a week of jumping in and out of planes around the country . Will be spending two days here before getting on a plane again to head back to NY ( and the real world ) . This trip has been amazing so far , and it 's definitely well - deserved . Things are finally falling into place and my life is slowly on its way to reconciling itself . This time last year I was heading to Barcelona after having been unemployed for months , unsure of every single thing in my life - career , relationship , everything was up in the air . I went to Barcelona because it was the farthest place from my comfort zone . I was terrified and my first few weeks were awful , but I persevered and the experience totally changed my life . Who would 've ever guessed that Barcelona would lead to so many life altering moments ( details withheld ) . Before I left for Greece last week I received an e - mail from the principal of the school informing me that I was hired for the teaching position I was seeking . It 's my dream job . I 'll be teaching Global Studies to students who have been in the country for less than four years and have been designated as intermediate speakers of English . I 'll be delivering history lessons with an ESL angle . I went on two interviews for this job ; I 've never wanted a job so badly before . And I 've never deserved a job more . It didn 't fall in my lap . I worked HARD to get to where I am now and that alone makes this so much more fulfilling . Thing are just falling into place . And it feels great . More on my Greek trip ( with pictures ) later .
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Zombie zoo . Tom Petty reference ? Anybody ? No ? Ok . Yesterday we hit the Red Rover Zoo and we hit it hard ! Our zoo is pretty lame by most people 's standards , but when you are 4 , it is awesome . I like that we can make it all the way through in less than 2 hours and still have happy kids who aren 't exhausted . I can 't imagine taking preschoolers through the wonders of the San Diego Zoo or some such amazing place . Two of my sisters - in - law bought the boys a family membership for Christmas . This gift is a win in so many ways . For the cost of taking the kids about 3 times , we can get in free all year , and there are some other membership perks , too . Also , no toy or art or clothes clutter ! Just a little card in my wallet ! Their favorite exhibit by far is the ducks . We spent so . much . time feeding them and watching them . The weather was perfect so I contentedly let them stay as long as they wanted , which goes against my nature of wanting to rush them everywhere . The zoo also has a new f … Yesterday the weather finally gifted us with signs of spring after a couple of cold , windy , dreary weeks . Even though we are eating late these days , we headed outside into the cool but refreshing mid - 50 temps for a walk to the park after supper . It 's rare these days that we get out as a whole family of 5 so I 'm glad we took advantage of the sun to do it . We visited the swings and the slides , caught a couple of outs at the softball game across the street , and then my spouse played tag with the boys . I forgot what joy tag can be for kids . I usually feel like I 'm about to die when I play it , so it was nice to sit and watch while my ( much more in - shape ) spouse played . The boys were squealing with delight and joy and I just loved listening to it . I don 't do it enough , so thanks for the reminder , spring . Well played . Today I got to meet two ( 2 ! ) new babies ! Luke was born April 15 and Corbyn was born April 22 and the are both so precious I could hardly stand it . I don 't know how someone can see a newborn baby and not know with certainty that there is a God and that he loves us . A whole person , wrapped up beautifully in a 6 - or - 8 - pound frame . Truly amazing . I so enjoyed seeing their leeeeeettle newborn movements and hearing the squeeeeeaky newborn sounds . They are both such precious little darlings . They also made my " baby " look like the monster that he is . I 'm so grateful for new life and for the moms who let everyone gush over their little ones . On an unrelated note , I wanted to zone out and listen to a podcast today while I was making and cleaning up supper ; nothing too heavy , just something to entertain me while I worked . So I picked The Simple Show - Episode 26 : Neighbor 's Table with Sarah Harmeyer . I loved it . The concept of bringing people together face - to - face for real , … In addition to gratitude , my other endeavor for the year is to read more . I sadly admit to being one of those people who just couldn 't read actual books once she had kids . So busy ! But everyone 's busy and we should make time for what we love , so this year I vowed to make time , even if I could only find 10 minutes a day . I cheated a little bit , because i didn 't technically read Anthony Doerr 's " All The Light We Cannot See . " I listened to it on Audible . All 16 hours of it . For several years I haven 't really followed new fiction , but I heard of this through a couple of my favorite bloggers / book nerds and since I trust their recommendations , I jumped aboard the bandwagon . Apparently , he won a Pulitzer for it , so I guess I just missed the memo . This is the type of novel I 've always wanted to write . I don 't feel like I can give it a just book review because the writing , imagery and story were just astounding . It 's a WWII story interweaving the lives … We had a quick overnight trip out of town yesterday . Swimming at the hotel didn 't go as planned , the weather was terrible , and the parents were a bit grumpy and tired . It wasn 't until after everyone was snoozing soundly on their cots and in the travel crib that I looked back on that last hour of crazy before bed . I realized that , even though my husband and I were annoyed at their antics , all three boys were able to delight in each other and entertain themselves with nary a toy or iPad in sight . They giggled and laughed and played games we didn 't get , and they loved every minute of it . I won 't say there were no screens , because we were watching a baseball game - a total gift for those of us in the baseball - loving but not the cable - having crowd . When I was up in the night , even though I was upset that I couldn 't fall back asleep , I enjoyed listening to the sounds of everyone snoozing peacefully . I 'm grateful we 5 don 't all share a room nightly , but it is so p … This little cutie is 4 today ! He 's so sweet and loveable and we 're grateful to be his parents . He loves sports and Legos and playing with his brothers . He cares deeply about his friends and is such a joy ! Share I mentioned before that we are a baseball family . Lucky for us , we live half a block fr a softball complex , where we do to play . We also love across the street from a high school softball field , so we can see practice and games from our front door and driveway . Today was a beautiful day and we were able to walk across the street and enjoy the first couple of innings . I love that the boys can see how the whole game works , and they get really excited . Free outdoor entertainment ! I maybe have two or three Bible verses kind of memorized . It was never something that important to me ( because can 't you just Google it if you need one ? ) . I do read scripture daily , though I 'm somewhat new to that as well . The other day I watched this video on Facebook by a blogger that I like . She was asking people if they wanted to join her in memorizing a different verse each week . When the verses are already in your memory , you can call on them when you need them . And boy do I need this one . If you 'd like to join along , follow Bonnie on Instagram @ bonnieengstrom . Her blog is A Knotted Life , and it also has a facebook page . Share I don 't think we 're pushing the boys into things they wouldn 't naturally be inclined to , but I suppose some families just like similar things . We like baseball . My dad 's side of the family is definitely a baseball family . My grandpa is in the ND baseball hall of fame and his brother in the softball hall . My grandma threw the first pitch when my hometown hosted the state Babe Ruth tournament when I was a kid . We love baseball and my husband does , too . We 're Twins fans ( ok , we probably are pushing the boys in that direction ! ) . In the NL we cheer for the Brewers . I 'm doing today 's post before yesterday 's because I need to be on the computer for that one , but what I 'm saying in a lot of words is that I 'm so grateful the boys love baseball ( at least so far ) ! We just returned from an hour at the field a half a block away . I 'm not a mom who loves playing all that much but if people are behaving and the baby toddler is somewhat safe , I could pitch f … Yesterday was my mom 's birthday . I could , as many daughters would , go on and on about why I am so grateful that my mom is my mom . Today 's not that day , since I 'm thumbing away on my phone and hoping to get caught up here ! She 's great , though , so stay tuned for more on my million reasons to be thankful for her . I 'm thinking of her today because I was actually able to prepare a decent meal and have it all ready at the same time , something my mom makes seem effortless , as did my grandma before her . When I got married and started cooking ( although my husband did the majority of the cooking in those early years and still does quite a bit ) , I was certain I would never master the art of having a meal ready at the same time without one thing being burned , another soggy and another raw . I still don 't consider myself an expert meal preparer , but I celebrated it today . We had a tough day at our house and this little victory was exactly what I needed . Sometimes adulthood can be so lame . Someone I follow on Facebook once said " One of my favorite childhood memories is not paying bills . " I second that ! Adults have to spend a fair amount of time doing things that are not fun and even sometimes just awful . We spend money on lame things instead of concert tickets and road trips with friends . I spent some money this weekend ( not much ) on some lame adult things : bedroom curtains that finally make our room look like adults live there , and a new stainless steel saucepan . Super lame ! However , I find that I 'm deriving great pleasure from both . I smile every time I walk into our room and lay eyes upon curtains that match and can be opened ! I enjoyed washing my new pan after making lunch , because it 's just so pretty ! It also sits flat on my burner , which is a nice feature if you want to eat during the same day or week in which you begin cooking . Little joys . Small , lame adult things that bring me adequate amounts of joy for tod … One of the positive side effects of getting a house ready to sell and going through everything is finding unexpected treats ! I found a rolled up decal from Upper Case Living that had been long forgotten in a closet , and for some strange reason I had an unopened canvas in the same closet . So a couple days back I decided to take all of naptime to get it done . The decals were less sticky than they were when I got it around 50 years ago , so it took some finesse , but I got it done ! I don 't know where it will hang yet , but every time I walk by it propped up on our dresser , it makes me smile ! Share I don 't want to jinx myself , but I may have reached the stage where the small dictators with whom I live might actually be able to pull some weight around here ! We have some company this weekend and the state of the house had reached panic levels of disaster . We made a plan at breakfast and I sketched out a to do list the the pre - reading set could decipher . By nap time , we had the majority of items done . The biggest boy cleaned the big boy room , the entryway , vacuumed some , and did dishes . Legit help ! The middle brother helped me sort laundry and distracted the baby enough that I was able to clean the bathrooms . At 3 : 00 , I felt a sense of accomplishment that I was able to get most of the house cleaned , and I did it with three small kids in tow . Then I realized that although one kid did his best to sabotage our work , the big kids really did help ! I 'm sure it 's too soon to expect lots of help , but it 's nice to know they can do things that actually contribute and that I … I 'm getting a little behind again . Shocker . I did think of something yesterday ; I just didn 't take the time to write it down . I sat in my bed after a non - heroic minute of snoozing , and I heard birds chirping outside . I 've noticed them all week . They chirp and swing sweetly and cheerfully , even though the weather before Wednesday was frightful . They didn 't seem to care . Since junior high , I thought I hated birds . As it turns out , I probably just hated having to do 4 years of bird journals in science class . We had to make perfect little books and record every bird we saw , including the time , location , birdwatching companions , genus and species . The whole thing annoyed me and I came to dislike birds . Now , though , 18ish years after completing my last bird journal , I 'm grateful for the experience . I still have ( and sometimes even use ) my copy of Birds of North America . And now , since I 'm a grown up ( sort of ) , I can appreciate the birds , their vastness and variety an … Yes , I 'm shouting . I almost forgot yesterday 's post . Maybe it was because we were outside for more than THREE HOURS . Yes . We didn 't blow away , the sun actually felt warm on our skin and it was glorious . After the last few weeks of miserable weather , I 'd almost forgotten what warmth feels like . Yay spring . At least until my allergies catch up with me . For my first few years as a grown up , I made frozen or " easy " lasagna . It was lasagna , I guess , but it always left me disappointed . I finally asked my mom for her recipe , because her lasagna is the best . The recipe isn 't hard to follow , and lasagna 's really not that hard to make , but I continued to shy away from it . For some reason I had in my head that it 's a labor - intensive undertaking of mammoth proportions . In the last few years , I 've made mom 's recipe more often . Although it makes a huge mess in my kitchen , it 's really not as big of a project as I 'd always thought . If a normal person makes it , not constantly stopping to mediate fights or doing it one - handed with a babe on the hip , it could be put together in 45 minutes or less . I made it for supper last night and , man , was it worth the work and mess . Even the shredded mozzarella the baby toddler dumped all over the floor : worth it . Lasagna is my love language , I 'm pretty sure . Mine neve … Monday Monday Monday . I almost forgot Monday 's gratitude post . My three loyal readers would have been devastated . A few months ago , our wise priest challenged us to include more silence in our days . " Oh , Father , " thought a skeptical Ashley . " You are adorable . But you don 't have little kids . What is silence ? " But I took his advice to heart because he is wise and holy , and started incorporating more silence into my days . From mid - January through most of March , I was rising at 6 and starting my weekdays in silence , prayer , and relaxation . I also showered most days . You 're welcome . Since Advent , I 'd also been incorporating 10 - 15 minutes of silence into the post - lunch hour when the kids were napping . Then , two or three weeks ago , the baby toddler threw a wrench into my beautifully planned silence . He actually throws everything but this was , of course , a figurative wrench . He started rising somewhere between 5 : 00 and 5 : 45 a . m . , which was extremely frust … We had the store to ourselves for two hours last night and I tried on all the pants . I hate trying on jeans . With help I was able to find a couple pairs , along with a top , tank top , and cardigan . I got it all for $ 65 , which I feel is a pretty good deal . I also tried on a dress , backwards ( because I guess I thought the tags went in the front ) , which accentuated my dry , Scandinavian white , flaky legs . All the NOs you can no . I know some people aren 't into used clothes , but I definitely am , especially from a respectable store like Clothes Mentor or Thred Up . I KonMari 'd my clothes at the beginning of Purgefest 2016 , and now my closet has mostly versatile pieces that I like and that fit … I 've been practicing gratitude for 100 straight days ! Yay me ! I am definitely noticing a change in my attitude and how it is easier for me to find something to be grateful for each day . I still complain a lot , so I 'll keep the project up for another 100 , I suppose . Yesterday I actually spent most of the day in bed because apparently a migraine and the stomach flu met and mated and the offspring attacked me . I didn 't suffer gracefully , even though I have talked about how everything is a gift . The kids played well while Ben was gone for a bit , and he took over everything without complaint , so it was easy to recognize those gifts ! I did get to introduce the kids to my favorite childhood Disney movie , Aladdin , when I was feeling better in the afternoon . I still remembered all the songs and some of the dialogue . They didn 't seem as impressed by it as I 'd hoped , but there 's still time ! Oh , it 's day 99 ! Wha ! ? ! I 'd like to tell you I have something super profound , well - written , and / or exciting on deck for big day 100 . I do not . I don 't get paid for this gig , so you get what you get , and you don 't throw a fit . I was up with the baby toddler from 3 : 30 until almost 6 this morning . He 's finally sleeping well , so this is not the norm for him . He wasn 't fussing , and he was tired , just not so much into sleeping . We snuggled and read a few blog posts and prayed and I tried to doze off with him on my lap . The dude did not abide . I 've mentioned it a billion times , but grace is what saved me . My husband typically leaves for work around 5 ; 30 a . m . but today he was working in town and didn 't have to leave until around 7 : 15 . He got # 3 back to sleep around 6 , which allowed me to get back to sleep , too . Then , I assume , he got up , showered , fed the big kids breakfast and gave them a pep talk about being quiet and not waking us . We slept until 7 : 45 ! Unhea … I love reading ! However , as a mom with three kids under six , I don 't get a lot of time to spend with my nose in a book . I do spend lots of time with my nose to my iPhone reading blog posts , which are much shorter than books and require less of a commitment . I vowed to myself at the beginning of this year that I was going to read more , since it brings me so much joy , not to mention the relaxation factor I so desperately need . I 've also mentioned once or twice or fifty times that I love podcasts . Last fall , after listening to a few episodes of The Simple Show , I took Tsh up on her offer to try Audible for a month for free . The first audio book I downloaded was Patrick Madrid 's " Envoy for Christ . " Everything I 've ready by him gets a thumb 's up from me , so I loved it , and I also loved the platform . I could " read " a book while doing dishes , cleaning the bathroom , watching the kids play in the yard . I was hooked . I had a good hair day today . I don 't have a picture because of the previously mentioned aversion to selfies . You 're going to have to trust me . I got up early with the baby toddler and barely got a shower in so that makes the decent hair even greater . My hair does weird things and if I can get one side to look normal , the other side most often does something wacky . I 'd like to think I 've figured out the new bangs , but I 'm betting it 's just dumb luck and light winds . We were just discussing whether or not to enroll the big boys in the next session of swimming lessons , and I realized what a gift we have that we can even have that discussion . We have the money to pay for things like swimming lessons and can debate whether or not we want to . Most of the people I run with are in the same boat and we take for granted that , while we can 't have everything we want , we certainly have more than we need . If I wasn 't making a conscious effort to be thankful for the large and small gifts in my life , I would have completely missed this . We lived together for three years in small sorority house rooms , as well as a summer at the fraternity house across the street and a summer in an apartment after graduation . We referred to each other as roommate or RM or any number of other terms of endearment that made our friends roll their eyes . I didn 't send her a birthday card ( because I forgot ) for the first time in . . . . well , probably ever . . . . so she only got a birthday text . And this gratitude post ! Happy Birthday , RM ! Oh ! I just realized I didn 't post for yesterday yet . I know I didn 't commit to a daily post , but I 've made it this far and I don 't want it all to fall apart on day 94 ! My left - brained self just couldn 't handle knowing there was a missed day here , now that I 'm kind of on a roll . Yesterday was . . . average . In a good way . I had much to be grateful for , as usual . We are free to go to the church of our choosing , and we chose a great one . We all woke up healthy ( enough ) and the kids behaved well enough at Mass to get a donut . I shared the baby toddler 's . He got at least 7 % of it , I promise . We heard another solid homily from Father Bryan . So much gratitude before noon ! My mostest gratefulest feelings were reserved for my beloved yesterday . I accidentally double booked myself , and he ended up taking three kids under six to a pool party ( a friend 's son 's birthday ) at a local hotel by himself while I attended a meeting . I know , it 's not a huge deal in the … Yesterday was a day of small victories , ones I probably would have easily overlooked a year ago . Through my practice of daily gratitude , however , I was able to see the gift and give thanks for seemingly insignificant details of my day . My spouse and I had a half - day retreat at a church in town and childcare was provided . Yay ! The big win , though , was that my little troop of introverts handled childcare provided by strangers and new kids pretty well ! I 'm sure it helped having new toys / movies , lots of snacks , and a few kids they already knew there , but I really expected the baby toddler to make a stink and end up on my lap for at least half of the morning . We heard some great talks and I added a couple books to my ridiculously long Amazon wish list . While all the people napped , I was able to give the kitchen / dining room floor and the upstairs bathrooms an overdue cleaning . The fruits of my labor were pretty much destroyed immediately after they woke up , but the sense of accomplishmen … I woke up this morning with a headache . It was the kind that coffee and Tylenol can usually handle so I didn 't think much of it . We visited friends this morning and we moms heard nary a peep from the five one - to - five year olds . Such a play date has hardly happened ! By the time we got home from their house , I basically threw some PB & Js at the kids and went to lie down . ( Not lay down , right mom ? ) I spent the next 3 or so hours moaning and groaning with a pounding headache and feeling nauseous . I was about to call a friend to come and watch the boys when my headache started to subside a little . My husband drive himself today and was home really early . Grace ! My friend would have come had I called on her . Grace ! The kids behaved beautifully with minimal fighting . Grace ! PBS plays cartoons all day . Grace ! Even the baby who lately needs to be held nonstop seemed to get that I just couldn 't , and he kind of left me alone . Grace ! The big boys even put away their own laundry . They mu …
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Sammy Kaye 's Sunday Serenade , Book of Poetry . Marie gave this to me for Christmas . Sammy Kaye was a radio show celebrity . Come " Swing and Sway with Sammy Kaye . " He played orchestra style music and read poetry sent in from listeners . I plan to add a few songs from iTunes soon . The poem is in the book and was written by Norine Freeman . Here is the complete poem which I want to pass on to all the women in my life . My own Mom , my husbands Mom , my sisters , my brothers wives , my daughters , nieces , cousins and friends : " We ( Doug , Klint , Calli , me ) are enjoying the impressive beauty of Hawaii once again . I love the trees , the never stopping motions here are captivating . Ocean , clouds , trees , birds all move to bring my heart to be humbled by the creative powers of my Lord and Savior . I am thankful to be here and I thank God for captivating my heart so that I can know Him and praise Him every day . God is so powerful . His imagination has been spilled out in all of creation . Coconuts , papayas , pineapples , plumeria ( not in one color alone but many ) , the fragrances , the rain showers as they cross the beaches . It boggles my mind to imagine how fascinating it had to be to watch each of these being created ! " We learned while we were in Hawaii that Doug 's Uncle Dick passed away . He had just begun to go in for dialysis three times a week , he had a heart attack and in the process of helping him with that he passed on . What a great guy he was . He sat beside me and helped me beat Doug at checkers and his stifled laugh will never be forgotten and he would whisper to me which checker to move , we ended up winning and he would chuckle and it was good for me . I thank the Lord that I knew him and that he knew Jesus Christ . Someday we shall sit together again and I will hear him chuckle again . Today is Millie 's birthday . I will be seeing her . Actually whoever can make it today is spending some time with her in a conference room at the hospital for her birthday . I am looking forward to that . This time of the year is a big birthday time for my family . Yesterday , I visited with Mil and she sobbed ! This is the first time I 've seen her do that . I 've seen her sort of sigh and grimace , but never sob with sound . She began to move around , sob loudly and I thought she was going to open her eyes and return to her right mind . I thought maybe she was remembering the day she fell and was reacting to that . She is definitely showing new movements . I watched a show on t . v . when I got back from Anchorage yesterday and it was all about the brain and how new computerized ways to research is revealing how it works . According to this documentary the way we program our minds to lead us through life can be changed . Our brain is an amazing organ . It changes when we change . This I already knew : when there is brain damage it will work to reroute around the damaged areas , but they said that as long as there is active stimulation then the brain can work to recover from major setbacks such as Millie 's . I was convinced that active stimulation would be incredibly good for Millie 's recovery . She may not be what she was before her collapse but I believe that she can work towards it with help . Her caregivers said that she gets stimulation every day when they clean her and put her into her chair , I don 't think that is enough . She has much too long to just lay there and sleep without any type of input . I am in awe of the brain that God created . I 've heard people say , " Well that was how I was raised and that is how I will be . " Or , " That was how I was born and that is the way I am . " NEGATIVE ! With new thoughts , one can change ! The brain will even change physically to accommodate the new thoughts , actions , interests , if we work to change our thought life by changing how we think , the things we do , the actions and reactions we allow to rule in our daily lives . We definitely don 't have to remain the old , sinful person we are , our very nature , even our physical brain will be changed when our minds are fed the life - changing Truths from God 's Word ! How incredibly encouraging is that ? " I beseech you therefore , brethren , by the mercies of God , that you present your bodies a living sacrifice , holy , acceptable to God , which is your reasonable service . And do not be conformed to this world , but be transformed by the renewing of your mind , that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God . " Romans 12 : 1 , 2 . They spoke about dementia and how physical activity will prolong a healthy mind . Learning new things . Learning new hobbies . Going past your comfort zone to learn , to stimulate the brain is really good for us all . Of course the body will deteriorate eventually as we live in this fallen state now and live under the curse of sin , but it can be put off if we will keep our minds healthy by healthy thinking and healthy action . I believe blogging is good for the brain ! It is Marriage Monday once again ! Time is really flying by . Just like the wind outside , we must be getting gusts close to a 100 mph out there ! It is humbling to stand on the deck and listen to the howling wind . I am kind of at a loss for words on this subject because my answer is simple . Just as believing Him , praising Him , loving Him and patterning my life after Jesus Christ makes me a Christian , in order for a couple to have a marriage that is " Christian " we should be reflecting Jesus Christ - - - - together . Maybe I don 't get the question , but that is my contribution to Marriage Monday . I know I will learn a lot by all those that will be participating . Visit our hostess blog for her write and links to others participating on this Marriage Monday topic . You will be blessed ! You can join the group by checking out e - Mom 's blog if you would like to share too . Four years ago , I purchased this wallpaper . I saw that it was pretty and the display was inspiring . I picked up all the tools that a wallpapering job needed . I brought all the stuff home , lugged it upstairs and then looked at it . I read the instructions . I rubbed the flat walls ( I had asked the guys to leave without texturing ) . I read the instructions again and then decided I am not ready to attempt this . I told myself that the walls needed much more prepping . On Friday Doug picked up door trim . I asked him where he was going to put up door trim . He said , " At the top of the stairs , I going to finish around the doors . " I immediately thought of my wallpaper job . I knew that Doug would be putting up the trim SOON . Unlike me , when he decides to do a job - he does it , pronto ! When I got home I went up into the " Chickadee Room " ( an attic room way up at the peak of the house ) and sat on the stairs and looked at the wallpaper once again . I read the instructions and looked at the walls . For a fleeting lazy second I wondered what the walls would look like painted . Okay ! I am going to do this . I 've never wallpapered and I 've never watched it being done . I have a big bucket of wallpaper paste and tried the first strip of paper that way . The paper is prepasted , but the bucket instructions says this paste should be used with prepasted paper to insure a good stick . So , I did it . Not only did it add a lot of time to preparing the paper , it was messy . The prepasted papers instructions says , roll your cut strip and slip it into water for 30 seconds . I thought , that sounds way easier ! I did that . Dipped into water and then stuck it up on the wall . Two strips up , one pasted and one just dipped in water for thirty seconds . A friend of mine told me that when she wallpapered she got up in the morning and the paper had unstuck and was hanging down . I decided I am going to watch this . I will make sure it 's gonna stick up there . I woke up the next day and it was still up . Smile . Today , the Trim Man brought his tools into my garage ( put my car out into the FREEZING driveway ! ) and I knew I needed to get this wallpaper job done if I didn 't want the added trouble of trim in the way . I went upstairs and began to work . I worked all day . I am sore ! My back - aching . But - I love the walls . My daughter Marie called . I told her I was papering and that I was so tired . " Stop now Mom , and do more tomorrow , you might hurt your back . " I think that maybe wallpapering should be a job for two . It is hard to match the design and mark where the wallpaper needs to be cut at the same time ! I am not tall enough to reach the ceiling even while standing on my step - stool without fully stretching and getting up on my tippy toes . When I am in that position then my legs start shaking too . Anyway , I need to do some prep work on one of the walls but I am almost done with getting papered around all the doorways and Doug can finish his work . While I spent the day with Millie on Thursday I read some more on the " Signature of God . " I found this information to be so incredible . First of all I cannot even fathom the billions and trillions of miles that make up our Galaxy , and then to read that " the known universe contains more than fifty billion galaxies " makes me giggle in awe of our Creator ! The author suggested this exercise to get an idea of the vastness of our universe . Take a sheet of paper , draw one small circle at the top of the page to represent the Sun , draw another much smaller circle nine inches below , that is Earth . . . now to see just how far away our closest star Alpha Centauri is to Earth - draw another circle - - - over forty five miles away ! I can understand those terms and this all fills me with awe of my Creator . Light travels at 187 , 000 miles every SECOND or six trillion miles every year . A flicker of light from our closest star will take four years to reach Earth . That flicker of light has to cross twenty four trillion miles of empty space ! I can 't even imagine that number , or even assign the right zeros to a zillion number ! This picture was taken on Thanksgiving Day . It is not a very good picture but you can see the whole bunch . We had such a good time on TG even if the power went out for two hours and delayed the turkey , the ham was ready to eat and we had ham and all the fixings . After two hours and about an hour more the turkey was done and we had turkey too ! After the lights came back on the grandkids asked " Can we turn the lights back off ? " I am thankful to Jesus Christ for the full life He keeps filling . The spiritual life that blooms in my heart today is only because of His Love for me . I am nothing without Him . My life would be depression - unending sadness - without the HOPE that He has put into my thoughts and into my heart . This hope fills me now and will remain with me past my last fleshly breath . I woke up on Sunday morning troubled . We , as Mom 's will do that won 't we when we are troubled about one of our children ? Most of our hardships come from an unwillingness ( or rebelliousness ) to learn about and know Jesus Christ . An unwillingness to give up selfish pursuits . Chasing after the fleeting FUN of this world . I also have been duped into doing that too . I will long for the STUFF this world has to offer only to find even a stronger discontent when I have what I wanted in my grasp . The most complete joy I 've experienced has been had when I 've been basking in the sunshine of what Jesus Christ 's sacrifice accomplished for me . If only I could take what I 've learned and just stick it into my loved ones hearts , but I can 't , only God can do that . So I wait and pray . Prayer is my heart - tugging - rope that goes directly to my Savior 's interceding heart . Yesterday , I spent the whole day with my sister Millie ! It was a good day . We read Psalms together . We listened to Christmas music . We put on smelly lotions . I picked up a pair of earrings that I am sure she would have picked out for herself if she were with me and stuck them on her ears . I tried to find burgundy ( her favorite ) but all those colors were not cool . We called our sister Kotya . Millie moved her hand up towards her ear as if she wanted to move the phone to a better spot over her ear . I went in to visit her the day before yesterday too and she had two pigtails on ! This is not any hairdo she would have been seen in public with . It made me smile and I told her " Mil , you better wake up girl , somebody is dressing you up kindda funny ! " A Psalm Millie and I enjoyed together : LORD , who may abide in Your tabernacle ? Who may dwell in Your holy hill ? He who walks uprightly , and works righteousness , and speaks the truth in his heart ; he who does not backbite with his tongue , nor does evil to his neighbor , nor does he take up a reproach against his friend ; in whose eyes a vile person is despised , but he honors those who fear the Lord ; he who swears to his own hurt and does not change ; he who does not put out his money at usury , nor does he take a bribe against the innocent . He who does these things shall never be moved . Psalm 15 . ( NKJV ) After visiting with Millie my husband and I went to Anchorage Native New Life Fellowship meeting and enjoyed all the singing . If you have never been there , go ! A great place to go for an evening of singing and testimonies , every Monday night at 1145 ' C ' Street . Sometimes you can even hear gospel singing in the Native tongue . My brother Don , who led the singing , reminded us all that we have a spot in our heart that is God - shaped and can only be filled by God . That is the TRUTH ! We all need God - our all - powerful , always present and all - knowing Creator . Without Him in our lives - life is hopeless , with Him in it , our lives are filled with overflowing thankfulness and joy and living that satisfies ! I had a " best friend . " I enjoyed her company so much . We talked and laughed about life . We shared things dear to our hearts . As time went on , I heard that she had been saying untruths about me . This was something I never , ever considered would be done by her . When it got back to me , my heart was stunned . I am still a friend to her to this day , but never best . . . While my daughters grew up and were dealing with friendship issues I advised them all that this best friend stuff is only a myth . It 's best to be friends to all , than to think of one someone special as your very own best friend . ( I spoke from experience ! ) Better yet - cultivate friendships with your sisters and your brothers . Whatever you do - - - or don 't do , they will always be there for you , or should be ! [ knuckle bumps on top yer head if you don 't ] This past summer my grand - daughter Ashlee cried into my shoulder , " She took my best friend away from me . " Awww , there was that phrase back again in our families lower ranks . How would I explain to her that if her " best friend " could be taken away so easily - was she truly her best friend at all ? So young , and already having friendship ouchies . I could only hug her and console her , " You just keep on being a good friend , Babe . " I am blessed to have growing friendships with my daughters and sons , and my daughters husbands and my sons wife . One of my daughter - friends I have been really missing while she 's been away . Thank heavens for phones to laugh and cry into when we are apart ! It is an incredible blessing when families can remain close and share life 's ups and downs when they come along . This makes families the best and my family is one of the BEST , and that is no myth ! I am still reading The Signature of God . " I know , I am a slow reader . Grant Jeffrey writes about the biblical critics beliefs that the Bible 's stories are unbelieveable . Some say that it is a book of myths . This reasoning is seriously tested each time a new archeological find proves that the stories in the Bible are true . " The Italian excavation actually uncovered most of the critical evidence relating to the Biblical story . But even more exciting is the fact that all the evidence from the earlier digs has disappeared over time . We only have records , drawing and photos . But the Italians uncovered a completely new section of the wall [ Jericho ] which we did not know still existed . I had my photograph taken standing next to the wall where the mudbrick collapse had just been excavated ! " Dr . Bryant Wood , Director , Associates for Biblical Research . Unfortunately , the Italian archaeologists , the Palestinian Authorities , the Associated Press and most of the world doesn 't realize any of this . It is a sad commentary on the state of archaeology in the Holy Land , when the purpose of an excavation at a Biblical site is to disprove the Bible and disassociate the site with any historical Jewish connection . christiananswers . net I was talking with my son Kris about the fact that I have never doubted anything written in the Bible . If it 's there - I believe it . If I don 't understand it now , someday I will . I believe the miracles recorded . The words of all the prophets through the years . I believe that Jesus Christ is THE SON OF GOD . I believe the story of Moses . I believe that the ten commmandments were given to show all peoples that we are far from living right , according to God . I believe that the evil one convinced Adam and Eve that God had lied to them , that the tree He forbade them to eat from was just like any other tree . I believe that the Apostle 's wrote EYE - WITNESSED accounts of what they observed when Jesus was on the earth , when He died , when He showed Himself to them after He conquered death , and before He returned to His Father in Heaven . I believe that King David and his son King Solomon existed . " It may be stated categorically that no archaeological discovery has ever controverted a Biblical reference . Scores of archaeological findings have been made which confirm in clear outline or in exact detail historical statements in the Bible . And by the same token , proper evaluation of Biblical descriptions has often led to amazing discoveries . They form tesserae in the vast mosaic of the Bible 's almost incredibly correct historical memory . " Dr . Nelson Glueck , Rivers in the Desert " Immediately after the tribulation of those days the sun will be darkened , and the moon will not give its light ; the stars will fall from heaven , and the powers of the heavens will be shaken . Then the sign of the Son of Man will appear in heaven , and then all the tribes of the earth will mourn , and they will see the Son of Man coming on the clouds of heaven with power and great glory . And He will send His angels with a great sound of a trumpet , and they will gather together His elect from the four winds , from one end of heaven to the other . Matthew 24 " But of that day and hour no one knows , not even the angels in heaven , nor the Son , but only the Father . Take heed , watch and pray ; for you do not know when the time is . It is like a man going to a far country , who left his house and gave authority to his servants , and to each his work , and commanded the doorkeeper to watch . Watch therefore , for you do not know when the master of the house is coming - in the evening , at midnight , at the crowing of the rooster , or in the morning - lest , coming suddenly , he find you sleeping . And what I say to you , I say to all : Watch ! " I 've been trying to get the webcam to work for me this afternoon . I tried different settings on my firewall and virus scanner but nothing changed not being able to view the webcam . I finally shut down IE and opened Firefox and it worked . So I took the URL that it displayed and tried it again in IE and it worked . So if you were like me and could not get the webcam to open for you , try this address : I was looking through old pictures and saw one of Annabelle , the elephant we used to have up here before she passed away in 1997 . I don 't have one of Maggie though . This picture is from PAWS . I 've moved a desk out of this room to the main floor and set up my old computer on that . I decided to hook my laptop up to my flat screen and wireless keyboard and mouse . It feels so good to be on a regular size keyboard again , but I 've had to make adjustments in my typing since I am so used to the laptop keyboard now . Anyway , are we bloggers ever really gone when we say we are gone ? This blogger is not ever really gone ! I always manage to sneak a peek here sometime during my time away . Thanks to those the keep peeking back ! " I was looking back to see if you were looking back at me . . . " or something like that . ( An old song . ) P . S . I heard from " Tamara " at PAWS and she said that the elephants usually start in for dinner about 4 : 30 p . m . and then head out doors after their bath , and foot care in the morning about 10 : 30 a . m . Someday I hope we can get to California and check out the Performing Animal Welfare Society 's Wildlife Sanctuary . It would be fun to meet all the other awesome elephants , and tigers , and bears , and monkeys and lions and mountain lions . PAWS also has a Black Leopard , Paka ( small African wildcat ) , and Bobcat . They are all cats . Beautiful too . Stop by and visit them . You can also contact Tamara for a small group tour . Thanks for your efforts , Tamara . Doug asked me if I saw that it was snowing when he came in from the shop and I looked up and it was snowing ! I had just been talking to my daughter and told her that we didn 't have any snow on the ground . Now we do . I love the huge snowflakes and can 't resist going outside to enjoy them when they are gently falling so I got Chewy into his jacket and we went out the door . I don 't really like walking clear around the lake but we did ! It ended up being much longer than was comfortable , especially for Chewy . He grows big snowballs all over himself when he runs in the snow . He ends up wearing REAL snow boots . Nature has no mercy at all . Nature says , I 'm going to snow . If you have on a bikini and no snowshoes , that 's tough . I am going to snow anyway . Maya Angelou PAWS - Performing Animal Welfare Society , the wildlife sanctuary that Maggie now lives at has a WEBCAM that people can check in on her with . It has not worked for me yet , but maybe it will work for you . I 've tried it at night each day so I am wondering if it works only during the day when it is light outdoors . I will check it out tomorrow again . I hope it works for you . Picture is of those noisy pipes . This morning I saw a BIG mouse on my back deck . As usual , during the fall and winter months the mice come to raid the bird feeders . I am thinking this mouse probably has brought mousie friends over by now too . As I walked along the back deck ( to see if my son was down at the shop ) this mouse ran right along beside me just as if he was my puppy ! I had my sandals on and bare feet under those so I felt totally vulnerable . SHOO ! It 's been getting colder at night and I 've heard different noises . The heating pipes have been creaking and groaning as they move the hot water to heat our house . While I was playing games the other night the pipes in this rooms closet started to make louder noises . I stood up and moved away , watching the pipes and wondering if they were going to explode . My husband was sleeping by then so I quietly crept into our bedroom and gently tapped on his foot - enough to wake him but not enough to wake him . If you can understand that - - - we must have a lot in common ! He lifted his head and I quickly said , " The heating pipes are making strange noises ! " He says , " Yeah , I will check them tomorrow . " He turned over and tried to go back to sleep . I went back to my computer . My game induced reverie was rudely interrupted when the pipes now sounded like they were not only creaking and groaning but now were also wiggling ? AND getting even louder too . Again , I stood away from them - never know but they could possibly burst and spray me with hot water , I thought to myself . This time , Doug got up quickly and came in to check on them . He fiddled with them a bit then ended up shutting the heat down and quietly said something about the in - floor heating gear going bad ? Or a seal ? Or something that is in a bad pump ? I don 't remember , whatever it was - it has to be fixed . Sometimes noises that I don 't understand or know where they are coming from can kind of give me the creepies . These creepies can be spiritual , the enemy of Christ 's heirs ( me ) would love to keep me in fear , but I don 't have to be afraid . I have Christ in me , He has defeated all the enemies of God , including fear . I am so thankful - as I used to be a very fearful person , afraid of the spirit - world . Last night as I played ( later than I should have been ) I heard a loud howling . It was not Chevy ( my big dog ) and I can 't believe that it would have been Chewy ( my little dog ) , now I am thinking that maybe - - - - it was that BIG MOUSE ! ! ! ! This morning , I 've informed Dougie that he needs to do some serious mouseketeering . This is the verse at the International Day of Prayer for the Persecuted Church which will be happening on Sunday . We need to be in prayer for our brothers and sisters in Jesus Christ who face increasing persecution in other lands . Read more about them at Mission Network News and be in prayer everyday for them . Sunday , November 11 , 2007 has been a day set aside to be in prayer specifically for them . We are so blessed in USA to be able to worship God freely . May God help us to be good stewards of His Word . " Imagine Christians in Bhutan , Sierra Leone , Finland , China , Mongolia , Bulgaria , Germany , Cuba , Venezuela , Australia , Belarus , Egypt , Iraq , Iran , Uruguay , Denmark , Sweden , USA , UK , Vietnam , Laos and many , many other nations praying together - not only for the persecuted church but with the persecuted church . Surely this is a day pleasing to God himself when his children unite in love and prayer . " Johan Candelin , Global Co - ordinator , IDOP . Christian 's in persecuted worlds have seriously decided and have chosen to follow Jesus Christ , the Truth . They will do so - even to the point of death , something that no people ever want to face . They have overcome fear to cling only to Christ and many will face death for their choice . May God bless and strengthen them and fill them with joy unspeakable . Someday we will meet these strong followers of Christ and their families . Right now , we should be praying for them every day . Read the news from persecuted churches at Mission Network News and pray while you do . Submission , is it a dirty word ? Submission in the Christian family structure is beautiful . Submission cannot be a dirty word in a Christian setting . I have read the passage in Ephesians and love the word picture of Christ loving the church , us . If all relationships were filled with the Holy Spirit , it is not a difficult thing for a woman to be submissive towards her Christian husband or even another Christian . To submit in such a loving relationship is like watching the give and take of a windmill in the wind ; the sand sliding on the beach , ever changing , but remaining the same as the ocean rolls ; the clouds dancing to the highs and lows of the atmosphere ; a flock of chattering birds following the edge of the lake ; a well - trained dog on a leash . Beautiful . It is no wonder that we are encouraged to do so . When done properly it is like poetry and what a testimony to the Savior that we know . Hupotasso - - - hoop - ot - as - so the Greek word for submission - - in an ungodly situation - - - ends up with a woman jumping through hoops for an a * * * * * e ! Excuse the awful word - picture definition - but that is exactly what I imagined when my lips formed the pronunciation that e - Mom has posted on her Marriage Monday blog . Perhaps I have seen one too many times where a Christian woman has married an ungodly man that I have to say - in this place - that woman will have a horrible life as she jumps through hoops trying to please him with his ungodly demands , his ungodly ways . Christ and the Church and submission . This truth - lived out vividly for me through the husband I have been so blessed to know and love for 34 years . He is the one that taught me - he should love me like Christ has loved the church . " Christ died for the church , " he 's said so many times . ( Many times I have probably made him feel like he was dying too ! Sorry Husband . ) We , as the Church , submit to Christ . Christ loves us and it 's not difficult to say yes to Him . I , as Doug 's wife , submit to him . Doug does not demand me to submit . He does not ask me to submit to him by doing stuff for him , or to have dinner prepared and hot for him when he gets home from work . He does not ask of me anything - but I do like to do things for him that I think that it would make his day great . It is the same as when we want to do the things that please Jesus Christ . There have been situations when my heart said . . . be quiet , listen to him , he has the final word . You know what ? I totally trust that his decisions will be best for me , because he loves me ! I see that submission can be a rest to me by leaving those decisions in his hands . My heart aches for the Christian woman who has found herself in a situation where to submit will include continuing physical and emotional abuses , not only towards herself but also her children . These women have , either knowingly or blindly believing themselves to be loved , married an ungodly man . In these situations , submission is a " dirty word . " Why ? Because this woman 's life will include submitting to the dirty things of this world which her husband has not given up . I don 't believe a Christian woman has to stay with an ungodly man - but that could possibly be another subject for another Marriage Monday . I am so happy to say that Maggie was moved out of Alaska . I worried about her whenever I would see her at our twenty - five acre Alaska Zoo . It is too cold here during winter for her . When an ol ' girl gets cold - - - - IT HURTS ! ! ! It ? Yes , it - - - or everything hurts . I can only imagine a girl that is not endowed with fur would be in bad shape since she was meant to live with sunshine . ( Maggie came to Alaska from Zimbabwe , Africa as a baby . ) Now she does live in the sun ! Also watching Maggie 's every move were Ruby , Seventy - One , Mara and Lulu , four African elephants living at PAWS that everyone hopes Maggie will eventually bond with . KTUU Alaska 's News Source . I watched the evening news with tears as they loaded Maggie into her specially built crate and she trumpeted . Thankfully the Air Force stepped up to help move her after her caregivers finally decided to let her go . Maggie made her journey successfully to sunny California on Doug 's birthday , November 2 . She is now getting settled in . The PAWS organization will be reimbursing the Air Force for all costs incurred from moving Maggie , which are estimated to be between $ 200 , 000 and $ 300 , 000 . To all those who made her move successful , including the active supporter of animal rights , Bob Barker , THANK YOU . Mr . Barker came up to Alaska to visit Maggie and with his promised $ 750 , 000 . 00 contribution towards " Operation Maggie Migration " his generosity has helped to make her move even possible . Today I joined the thousands that screamed this during his long - running ( 35 years ) television hosting of " The Price Is Right , " ( Mom 's favorite CBS television game show ) - - - " I love Bob Barker ! " 30 acres for Alaska 's elephant , that 's more land than our zoo even owns . We will miss her but - wow ! Thirty acres with nine other elephants she will get to know . The only thing I 've read negative about this move is that Maggie does not like the artichokes , which they have a lot of in California . I am so happy for Maggie . Yes , we will miss her when we visit the Alaska Zoo , but then for Alaskans . . . . California is not that far away to visit and - - - it 's warm down there too ! Read more about Maggie 's move . Here is a video of Maggie 's journey . Our son Klinton was featured in a University of Anchorage Alaska publication . I saw it at church Sunday when Kim Blomstrum came over to give the newsletter to Klint , but I saw it first so I got it . Anyway , here it is online ! UAA Accolades Fall 2007 . Scroll down to page three . We are proud of Klint and how he has worked his way through college . Keeping focused on doing well at school , his wife , his relationship with the Lord the whole time also working a job between classes . He now has a job that he is enjoying too . I was inspired to share a picture of my office - even if it is in complete disarray this morning . I was visiting " Slimpickins ' from my Brain " and after commenting on her office ( which is beautiful and so clean ! ) I decided that I would share where I blog from too . I was going to clean up first but . . . here it is in all of it 's non - glory ! I prefer to be considered creative but , some would say I am just messy . I am comfortable with where I am in that respect now that I am an ol ' Grammaloo . [ attempting to justify laziness ] I try to cultivate the better things like kindness , hospitality , love , longsuffering , you know ? And to be encouraging - - - attributes such as that are much more worthy than organization , aren 't they ? [ attempt to convince others of self - declared goodness ] Oh , okay ! ! ! ! I confess , I am a messy ! [ Admits to obvious failure . ] As you can see , my office is not all that organized and in my efforts to share online I dig out books , write down my thoughts while I am reading and anything that I find worthy of sharing I will try to jot down . In the process , I begin to collect bits and pieces of paper , pens and tape , post it notes , books , clippings along the way to my office . This all gets piled up around me and stays there . Occasionally I need to gather up the coffee mugs in here . I will get some coffee , get absorbed in what I am reading , coffee gets cold , I don 't want it . I go downstairs to check on Chewy or the family and then bring up another cup of coffee which then gets cold and I don 't want it . Eventually , I wonder " where 's my favorite mug ? ? ? " ( I have many favorites . ) The most habitual cleaning I do in here is on vacuuming day ( no , not scheduled ) . On an almost daily basis I do use my Dust Remover to blow the dust off of my keyboard . That cleaning is normally done after I have been thinking and happened to stare down at the keyboard and see something on it that shouldn 't be there . Another body trouble that I 've endured . ( The other being the hemifacial spasms that I had surgery for ) . " Mom , your problems are always so weird , " is what Kim said to me one day . I have had this restless leg syndrome for as long as I can remember . If you have it you know how overwhelming it can become . The other night I kept jumping out of bed and trying to walk , rub the back of my knees or shake my legs . I can 't be doing that all night for Doug goes to work during the day and he needs his rest ! So I ended up downstairs wandering around in almost tears . This was the worst attack I can remember having . When it is bad like this I also have the restless feeling in my arms . The back of my knees and the inside of my elbows are the worst , I can feel it in my fingers too . Sometimes if I can think straight I will take that time at night to pray . You will notice when you begin to pray sleep comes so fast that before you know it you wake up in the morning . My kids used to cry , " Mom , I can 't sleep . " " Pray for your family , " I would reply . Soon she / he was sleeping quiet ! Most of the time all I can do is think about how I can be relieved when it is happening . Recently I learned that my sister Kotya 's husband also has RLS . When I found that out I felt like we had been reluctantly inducted into some sort of club - - - all on merits we didn 't even know we had . What is this RLS ? According to a RLS support site for people like myself , it is a neurological ( there is that word again ) problem . In cases like mine where it begins in adolescence it is hereditary . I once suspected that my granddaughter Ashlee might have it since she moved her legs so much when she was a baby and trying to fall asleep . Here 's a picture of my grandkids . Ashlee is the one with the hair blowing up ! How about that RED hair on my grandson , huh ? This was taken early in the morning on a racing day this past summer when the wind was howling through Kincaid Park . I can remember having this irritation when I was a young girl , moving my legs before falling asleep . After the 1964 earthquake and the tidal wave in Old Harbor my sisters and I sometimes had to share beds and I heard one of my sisters complain , " I don 't want to sleep with her , she moves her legs too much . " I could not help it . If you do not move when this creepy feeling is at it 's strongest I think one can probably go completely insane ! When I tried to explain what it feels like , one of my kids said , " Is this all in your head ? " " Nope , it 's all in my legs ! ! ! ! " I have no idea why , it just is . Today I have tried an ointment , Tiger Balm . I 've also self - treated myself with iron . I have since found out online that sometimes RLS can be caused by anemia . I found that ferrous sulfate iron helped me once when I was so low on iron that my doctor said he considered giving me a blood transfusion . ( Another body trouble which I 've had treated with a partial hysterectomy . ) I had noticed that RLS which had been so horrible before I was prescribed a high dose of iron had completely gone away ! I began taking iron when I was having strong bouts with RLS . The other night I did the same , I finally fell asleep in my Mom 's bedroom that night . IMPORTANT SAFETY INFORMATION ABOUT ________: _________ may cause you to fall asleep without any warning , even while doing normal daily activities such as driving . When taking _________ hallucinations may occur and sometimes you may feel dizzy , sweaty or nauseated upon standing up . The most common side effects in clinical trials for RLS were nausea , headache , and tiredness . You should talk with your doctor if you experience these problems . I 've recieved several emails about a new holiday movie coming out : " The Golden Compass . " ( A lot of Flash at this site . ) This movie will most likely be the first in a series of movies in response ( anti ) to C . S . Lewis stories " The Chronicles of Narnia . " According to Snopes . com he author of the books , Philip Pullman , wrote stories that he said , " My books are about killing God . " Philip Pullman is a self - proclaimed atheist . The " His Dark Materials " triology fans are upset by how the director of the movie has watered down the anti - God , anti - Christian lines found in his books . FoxNews . com writes about this . I predict that even if this author is openly fighting God , this movie will be well attended in our world . So many have no idea what pleases and displeases God anymore . We as parents and grandparents must instill in our families a deep love of God which is based on God 's word . This will help them chose right from wrong themselves , which is getting harder to do . God 's word is a Light that brightens our paths to Himself . God is real ! All those that have closed their eyes and hearts to Him will be sadly surprised someday ! For if God did not spare angels when they sinned , but sent them to hell , putting them into gloomy dungeons to be held for judgment , if he did not spare the ancient world when he brought the flood of its ungodly people but protected Noah , a preacher of righteousness , and seven others , if he condemned the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah by burning them to ashes , and made them an example of what is going to happen to the ungodly , and if he rescued Lot , a righteous man , who wWell , I best get moving again . Many times I just don 't feel like doing some things that I should do . I know I am like every other person out there . I want to be faithful to those places that make me myself . A wife . Mom . Sister . Daughter . Grandmother . These are my physical responsibilities . I also have a responsibility to the spiritual . I am a Believer . An heir ! A child of God . I am a warrior in the unseen spiritual world . Sometimes I can be found shirking any one of these responsibilites just because . . . I don 't feel like it . Todays Our Daily Bread devotional was about that . I read the scripture in Matthew 21 and learned that there are two ways people respond to the Truth = Jesus Christ is God 's Son . Jesus told the chief priests and the elders that the tax collectors and the harlots believed John , but they did not . The chief priests and the elders in those days were a very successful bunch that had spent their lives being holy . I can imagine how they probably appeared . They were probably similar to the priests in the Russian Orthodox church that I grew up in - revered by the people around them . These chief priests / pharisees did everything related to God - right . They followed the letter of the law to the minutest details . Yet , they didn 't even recognize God 's Son . The difference between the harlots and tax collectors and the chief priests and the elders was in their decisions to believe that Jesus Christ was who He said that He was or not to believe . Believe and be saved or disbelief and be filled with anger . Jesus told them the truth about how they didn 't believe John the Baptist and they didn 't believe Jesus Christ even though He came and performed miracles before them . Things only God could do ! Now that is pretty blind ! But I don 't think I would have done any differently if I was busy trusting in my own goodness . In order to be saved , we have to believe that we have a need to be saved from something and if we are already feeling pretty holy or good without Jesus Christ , why should one even need a Savior ? Don 't believe that lie , we can never " I don 't feel like it - but I will do it anyway . " I think I want to put that up in my kitchen where many times I shirk my responsibility to cook and clean ! How about that bathroom ? These are my jobs and many times I don 't want to but I will ask for grace to do them until I can 't do them ! Yesterday was our family singing night . It is getting more organized every week ! Yesterday Doug set up a microphone so that we can have a loud enough leader . He is kindly soft - spoken and yet I want to hear him lead his family on this night . We had a beautiful time of singing . The kids love the motion songs and enter enthusiastically when we get to " Only A Boy Named David , " " Zachias , " " Hallelu , Hallelu , Praise Ye the Lord ! " I make sure we keep our time to one hour exactly so that they are not overwhelmed since we ask that they all are quiet , and respectful . Little Gunner comes and he does not quite like to have to conform to this rigid time so he folds his arms and scowls at Gramma , but after the singing is happening and the kids are motioning , he is so happy . So their lives of standing up to their shortcomings begins and I love how they are all rising to the occasion . Someday I will capture them on video . I got this afterwards video to share today . We have fog this morning . Weather person said most likely freezing rain / snow today . Husband commutes everyday said that the roads were sloppy and right after they got through the slippery Hay Flats they heard that there was a roll - over . " If God is present at every point in space , if we cannot go where He is not , cannot even conceive of a place where is He is not , why then has not that Presence become the one universally celebrated fact of the world ? The patriarch Jacob , " in waste howling wilderness , " gave the answer to that question . He saw a vision of God and cried out in wonder , " Surely the Lord is in this place ; and I knew it not . " Jacob had never been for one small division of a moment outside the circle of that all - pervading Presence . But he knew it not . That was his trouble , and it is ours . Men do not know if God is here . What a difference it would make if they knew . " A . W . Tozer , The Pursuit of God , 1948 . So it goes in our world today . So many do not even think of God at all unless something like the raging California fires happen . What a selfish people we are and what a merciful God rules this world . We should long to know God . We should know what He loves and what He hates so that we can live our lives pleasing to Him . We should include Him in all of our daily endeavors . If we don 't , we are living life in a fog . The created not knowing the Creator . We must read the Bible and believe each word if we want to come out of that spiritual fog . " This is the disciple who testifies to these things and who wrote them down . We know that his testimony is true . Jesus did many other things as well . If every one of them were written down , I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written . " One of the disciples that God nicknamed " sons of thunder " wrote those words . John . ( John 21 : 24 , 25 . ) I cooked Mom grits for breakfast this morning along with orange juice , pomegrante jewels , that is the best way I can describe the pomegranate fruit after I took them out of the fruit , they appear to be jewels , so beautiful . I learned yesterday how to get the fruit out of the pomegranate . First you score the outside of the pomegranate , then put the whole thing into a bowl full of water ; peel the outside off . The rind and white membrane floats and then the fruit drops to the bottom of the bowl . It was fun . Mom and I were impressed with the sparkling beauty of this fruit in a bowl . Mom also had a slice of toast and 1 / 2 cup of frozen blueberries . I had a bowl of cereal with frozen blueberries . After breakfast we watched the news of the fires in California . As we watched the news Mom commented on the time . " Oh wow , already 12 ! " I said , " I can 't believe it , I am still full from my cereal and it 's time for lunch ? ? ? " Mom 's phone rang and she hurried to answer it , but was too late . She brought it to me and said , " I missed it , see who it was and call them back . " We looked at the phone and we both decided it was a weird number we didn 't recognize . She began to play Mahjong while I kept looking , then I noticed that she had gone to the dialed numbers list . I exited out of that list and went to the missed calls list and saw that my brother Mark had tried to call - - - at 10 : 40 a . m . " Mark tried to call you this morning Mom . " She got up and came over to the phone and said " OH ! I didn 't even hear it ! " We looked at the phone . Then I asked , " What time is it now anyway ? " I looked at the microwave . 10 : 42 . I realized the clock in the livingroom had stopped and it was not even lunch time . We were thinking we should be preparing lunch and we had hardly even burped from breakfast ! We are quite the funny pair - my Mom and I . Native to Iran to the Himalayas in northern India and introduced to California by the Spanish settlers in 1769 how amazing is it that this pomegranate is on my table in almost frozen Alaska ! They like cool winters and hStored in temperatures ( refrigerated ) between 32 to 41f the fruit is like apples , can be kept for up to seven months without spoiling and actually the fruit will get tastier and juicier . Pomegranates make great juice that I read will help those with ischemic coronary heart disease by improving blood circulation . MedicineNet . com claims that pomagranates have more antioxidant qualities than cranberries or even green tea ! Do you eat pomegranates and how do you prepare them ? We long to see her smile . We want her to go home now . We want that her food be administered in daily increments rather than constantly . We feel that her body would benefit from going without that constant drip of food . If she could get something like pomegranate juice instead , I bet that would be so good for her . YES ! A Blogger Blog search engine ! I was always trying to find where to do a search on blogs here without using the " Next Blog " feature ! Finally , here it is . Blog Search . I 've been reading a book by Grant R . Jeffrey " The Signature of God , Astonishing Biblical Discoveries . " About the author Jeffrey , " internationally recognized as a leading researcher and Bible Prophecy teacher : More than one and a half million readers have read his seven best selling books . " This is the first time that I am reading anything by him . The widespread agnosticism and atheism in our modern government , media , universities , and seminaries has resulted in the moral collapse of our society . The philosopher Thomas Hobbes wisely described the inevitable effects on our society of the growing agnosticism and the gradual abandonment of the authority of Scriptures in the life of our nations . Hobbes described the terrible results that would follow the loss of a national religious faith in the Christ in these insightful words . " No arts , no letters , no society , and which is worst of all , continual fear and danger of violent death , and the life of man solitary , poor , nasty , brutish and short . " Tragically , the results of our national apostasy were accurately predicted in his writings . In 1830 the government of France sent a well respected judge , Alexis de Tocqueville , to study the society , the beliefs , and the prisons of the United States of America to find out why there was so little crime and so few prisons . After several years of study he wrote a celebrated book called The Democracy of the United States in 1840 . Alexis de Tocqueville wrote about the reason for America 's greatness as a nation and the real reason for her low crime rate at that time . " I sought for the greatness of the United States in her commodious harbors , her ample rivers , her fertile fields , and boundless forests - and it was not there . I sought for it in her rich mines , her vast world commerce , her public schools system and in her institutions of higher learning - and it was not there . I looked for it in her democratic Congress and her matchless Constitution - and it was not there . Not until I went into the churches of America and heard her pulpits flame with righteousness did I understand the secret of her genius and power . America is great because America is good , and if America ever ceases to be good , America will cease to be great ! " Wow . That was quite the paragraph and one I know is the TRUTH ! What is any man apart from the greatness of God ? Nothing but a pawn to be pushed and pulled here and there by the greatest deceiver of all , Satan . And to think this deceiver has convinced those that are in his unforgiving grip that they are FREE ? That is one of the greatest deceptions of all . Grant goes on to write : A century and a half later , America has publicly abandoned the Bible as the moral anchor of our society and education . It should surprise no one that , after decades of teaching our children that there are no absolute rights and wrongs , we face an appalling breakdown in public morality and rising levels of crime . President Andrew Jackson shared the same opinion as Alexis de Tocqueville about the central position of the Scriptures to the life of his nation . As he lay on his deathbed President Jackson pointed to the Bible on the table by his bed and said to his companion , " That Book , Sir , is the rock on which our Republic rests . " " Religion in America takes no direct part in the government of society , but it must be regarded as the first of their political institutions ; for if it does not impart a taste for freedom , it facilitates the use of it . Indeed , it is in this same point of view that the inhabitants of the United States themselves look upon religious belief . I do not know whether all Americans have a sincere faith in their religion - - for who can search the human heart ? - - but I am certain that they hold it to be indispensable to the maintenance of republican institutions This opinion is not peculiar to a class of citizens or to a party , but it belongs to the whole nation and to every rank of society . " Alexis de Tocqueville , exerpt from Democracy in America , Chapter XVII . Have a beautiful day keeping God and His Truth evident in your everyday lives . God blesses when mankind trusts in the Lord with all of our hearts and we don 't lean to our own understanding , and in all our ways acknowledge Him , then He will direct our paths . His paths are truly free . The moose are out of hiding now . We have been watching four moose across the lake in our neighbors yard . Our neighbor has a lot of land . He did cat work and made an airstrip which he then hauled topsoil in and grew a beautiful lawn . The moose come to nibble on his grass . There was a cow with a calf and a bull and possibly another bull . It was not a big moose but the cow was busy trying to chase it off . I think it must have been her older calf . The vanquished moose just stays out of the way but has not left yet . Here 's some video of those moose , but the one hiding in the trees didn 't get into the video . Isn 't that sort of sad ? Chasing away your offspring ? Awwwwww , that is so sad , but necessary in the wilds , I guess . : - ( The Trumpeter Swans stopped by this morning , beautiful and elegant birds . In the early 1900 's they were considered endangered . Biologists then said that only 69 trumpeter swans were known to exist in the wild . Back then it was not known that Alaska had these large , white birds too . People in the Lower 48 had been hunting them so extensively for their meat and feathers any further hunting of swans was prohibited . In 1990 the census of this graceful bird indicated that over 13 , 000 trumpeters are in Alaska ( 80 % of the world 's population ) and their numbers continue to increase . Today some of the increase decided to fly in and grace our lake view . I hurried down to bring them some of our bread . One of them didn 't take too kindly that I was close to her / his babies and began to hiss at me while walking out of the water - even with Chevy sitting right there . Now - - - that is one brave parent ! The swans stop by here in early spring on their way up to the top of Alaska , which I call the North Slope regions of Alaska . They raise their young there and then while on their way back South they will stop by once more . Pertussis has been making its rounds up here in Alaska . My brother Don and his wife are just getting over it but Edna , Don 's wife is still battling with the very overwhelming whooping cough . My youngest brother Mark had it after attending a conference in Kodiak where he believes he was exposed to the bacterial infection . Whooping cough made the news here in Alaska in 2006 . It showed up in an eight week old baby girl from a Southwest village . I remember this is about the same time our little Raegan Mae was sick and Karla was concerned she may have the whooping cough . She was checked out to be okay . Tundra Medicine Dreams did a great write about this outbreak in our coastal village . Whooping cough can last for weeks and lead to pneumonia and seizures . It is most dangerous in infants and young children . From ( www . schsa . org ) Stanislaus County Health Services Agency . Whooping Cough No Cause For Alarm - Mount Mercy Times , A Student Publication ( PDF file ) . " Most people are vaccinated against the disease as children , but the immunization usually wears off by adulthood . Adults and unvaccinated children can harbor the pertussis bacteria for up to three weeks before showing symptoms . " From April 3 , 2007 , Study Finds Parents Pass Whooping Cough to Babies , The New York Times . A collection of whooping cough information , including New Booster Vaccine Urged To Fight Whooping Cough . Whooping cough is most contagious before the coughing begins . Visit the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention for information about the pertussis vaccination and booster vaccination for adults . After doing some study on this disease I disagree with whomever wrote the article " Whooping Cough No Cause For Alarm , " because this cough is something no one should get ! It sounds horrible and it begins as a common cold / sore throat then progresses to the violent cough . One is treated with antibiotics in an effort to get rid of it . See from this picture of the child how violent the cough can be even causing broken blood vessels under the eyes . Hopefully Mom was not exposed to pertussis , I would hate for her to get so sick with coughing . Please pray that this cough was not passed on to Mom and also pray for my brother Don 's wife Edna . She is still struggling with this and is not well yet . Don and Edna have a Christian ministry with the Native peoples of Alaska and work with them via the Anchorage Native New Life Fellowship in Anchorage . And remember , wash your hands and one should stay home if not well . According to www . blackdog . net it 's 2 months , or 74 day , or 1775 hours , or 106519 minutes , or 6391134 seconds and counting down until Christmas ! Black Dog 's Countdown to Christmas , even with your own timezone . Aren 't you excited ? This site is cool . It has a lot of stuff to do with the kids and grand kids . I liked their Christmas mazes . Whenever it snows , I like to put on our Christmas tunes . My sister Millie and I did the same thing each year on the first snowing day . Love you Mil ! I was thinking about the last vote we had here in Alaska . A new Proposition that would protect private land owners from the government not compensating property ( imminent domain ) owners fairly for their private land / home . I thought wrongly when I figured Alaskans would support this proposition . The voters turned it down ! I could not believe that our voters would trust our well - being to the Borough so much that they would not put into place protections for the public . I have to believe that the voters did not realize they were voting for more government leeway . Anyway , why did it come up for a vote ? Isn 't it only right that owners in the way of public improvement should be able to get out of their lifetime investment what it is worth ? Yes , it is right . I did a read on imminent domain and look at the map of all the places that are now dealing with this trouble . Map of Imminent Domain Cases . One thing this does support in my mind is that I should not put my heart into this old world . My home is not here - even though it is pleasant at times . Mom and I had such a nice day yesterday . I brought her out to The Point and we made a small fire and I roasted marshmallows for her . I had one even though I am on a diet because how can one resist when your Momma asks , " Are you going to have one too ? " My son Klint has put a log - swing that he built out there and she sat in the swing , in the sunshine and enjoyed her marshmallows while I continued to pick up dead brush and put it on to the fire . As I worked I heard a car and car doors shutting . I stopped and said , " Oh , someone must be here . " I listened and she hurried ( as fast as she can hurry ) over to me and said , " Somebody is here ? " When I looked at her face she had marshmallow stuck on her chin and cheek . I laughed and told her and we both laughed . " You look like the grandchildren , Momma . " What we heard was Calli coming home . I picked up a new toy for Chewy and it squeaks . He squishes it and it squeaks and he cries . Over and over . I only give it to him occasionally when I am going to be busy so he can be occupied . Now I can hear Mom trying to console him . I might try to get a video of this dog . It 's funny . This morning is a bit chilly here and we were out of wood . I got on the 4 wheeler and rode around the property in search of logs that would fit into the stove . I did find some wood . ( It might be rotten wood which Doug would not put into the stove . ) We did not stock up on wood for the winter . Looks like this winter we will be going out for a ride to bring home wood enough for two or so weeks at a time . I love it . It is a great outing for couples . I love it when Doug and I can do this together . My Mom is here . I love how she always has a verse from God 's word to say throughout the day and something for every conversation . She sprinkles the days conversations with Truth . I love her faith in God and her fear ( reverence ) of God . We do not see that enough these days . I set up my old computer for her to use for playing games . It is faster than the old computer that we had set up in the kitchen . I disconnected the old one then hauled my homebuilt down for her . She is enjoying it . She has an account at Pogo . com but whenever I see her playing her game she has Window XP 's Spider Solitaire opened up . Then she wonders out loud , " How come the nice rain sounds are not playing ? " : - ) Mom doesn 't just play games she also began reading one of Don Richardson 's books , " Lords of the Earth . " Since 1974 Don Richardson has been authoring and promoting books , videos , and a DVD that demonstrate how the message of Jesus can be proclaimed with cross - cultural sensitivity to non - Christians worldwide . Go here to read more . I plan to order his newest books which I have not read yet . " Secrets of the Koran " and " Stars , Sand , and Dust . " Mom has a pacemaker and has to have regular checkups for that . It was amazing to me to know that she can have this all taken care of over the phone ! Medical technologies are amazing now . The medical clinic that tests to make sure she is pacing well called my brothers house and were looking for her . She has been going here and there , forgetting her equipment and this morning she has missed her check - up date . Mom is considering making my home her home too . She is welcome here with us and I am trying to get her to believe that . She loves The Lake but she misses " home . " Her home is not a safe place for her at times so she has to leave and go " visiting . " I pray that soon she will settle in and call my home her home base . She is free to travel here and there but to make this house a comfort to her in her old age is my goal . I want to hear her say someday that she wanted to " come home . " She helps me around the house too . Sometimes I see her dusting , sometimes watering my many plants . I love it when she is " home . " Did you watch the story on television news about the man I mentioned before , Eric Weihanmayer , the blind mountain climber , marathon runner , long - distance biker , and even a acrobatic skydiver , demonstrated how scientists are using computers and the tongue to help the blind to see ? How incredible ! Here is another story of the same thing . " Your Tongue Can See . " We have not had any snow on the ground yet but it is cold enough for snow now . The snow on the mountain tops is almost halfway down . The trees are about all bare . I took Mom on a 4 wheel ride yesterday and we saw bear tracks across the lake from home . : - )
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We 've covered some ground in the last few weeks about spiritual warfare in our marriages . Sadly , it 's a topic treated as taboo at times right within the church , but our enemy has been effective there as well . Too effective . If he can convince us he 's not a real threat or even better , that he doesn 't even exist , he 's accomplished more than just a foot in the door . We 're blinded . If this concept is foreign to you , let me tell you that for a long time I was deceived myself . I can even remember telling someone years ago that though I did believe in God , I wasn 't convinced satan existed . God 's Word tells us clearly otherwise and much more . Things like : For God did not give us a spirit of timidity , but a spirit of power , of love and of self - discipline ( sound mind ) . - 1 Timothy 2 : 7 As evident in the Bible , this stuff is real and pretending it doesn 't or avoiding it only sets us up for failure . We don 't have to be fanatical about spiritual warfare , but we do need to be aware . I know you 've heard Lynn and I say this before , but knowing the Bible is your best defense . You can 't fight with a weapon you don 't know how to use . Same goes with the Bible . To know it is to live and use its truth effectively . And if the whole idea of spiritual warfare scares you more than you fear God , take a look at this one : You , dear children , are from God and have overcome them , because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world . - 1John 4 : 4 These two verses are so interconnected . First John 4 : 4 is our reassurance that we can overcome evil and 1 Timothy 2 : 7 is the proof of it . Plant these truths firmly in your heart and mind . We need them so that we can stand strong for our unbelieving spouses . Second Corinthians 4 : 4 is a vital truth to understanding our unbelieving spouse and realizing they are truly handicapped as if they were physically blind . The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers , so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ , who is the image of " And Elisha prayed , ' O LORD , open his eyes so he may see . ' " - 2Kings 6 : 17 Share your voice , heart and love in the comments . THRIVE in your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage and raise your children to faith . Our books are filled with practical experience and Biblical advice . - click or tap the photo - Hi Everyone , I don 't have anything to write about today . Almost all of the time , God places a burning heat in my brain and heart about the words I share with you . He usually works on an idea by placing it in my soul to marinate for a few day . After several days of praying over the thoughts coupled with the Holy Spirit working me over , I 'm about to explode . You get the idea . I write to share what I have learned and what God is currently teaching me . Well , this Sunday evening as I 'm preparing for Monday 's post , I am feeling serene . But , I have several things a bubbling that the Holy Spirit it working out and you will likely heart about later in the week . One topic for sure . . . . The Rapture . . . . It happened at our house . Well , kinda sorta . I will tell you more later and it 's a fun story . For today , I offer you a chance to ask questions . I find sometimes it 's difficult to cover subject matter completely in our post and I don 't always answer all of your questions . So , if you have a question , leave it in the comments . Questions for me ( Lynn ) and for Dineen . Ask us about our marriage . How we overcame our faith differences . What is it like to raise kids in an mismatched marriage . What do we eat for breakfast . What is Peanut doing when I 'm writing . * grin * Okay , ask away . I love you . YOU are the passion of our Lord , Jesus Christ . Therefore , YOU are my passion and I care deeply and eternally for your heart , your family , and your marriage . Love and hugs , Lynn Share your voice , heart and love in the comments . THRIVE in your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage and raise your children to faith . Our books are filled with practical experience and Biblical advice . - click or tap the photo - Have you ever had one of those weeks where you notice a common theme ? The subject of a devotional , an email that comes over your favorite prayer loop , Sunday 's sermon , this weeks subject at your small group Bible study … Those are the times I pay close attention , because I know God has something teach or show me . This has happened over the last week and the subject has been about contentment . Paul touches on this subject very clearly in Philippians 4 : 11 - 13 : I am not saying this because I am in need , for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances . I know what it is to be in need , and I know what it is to have plenty . I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation , whether well fed or hungry , whether living in plenty or in want . I can do everything through him who gives me strength . At first glance , it 's easy to assign material needs to these verses , and you would be correct . But Paul addresses a deeper level in the latter part of verse 12 - " being content in any and every situation . " On daily basis , we struggle with this issue in our unequally yoked marriages . How do we find contentment in the midst of conflict ? How do we reach the point of saying like Paul did , " I am content in my situation ? " First , there 's one fallacy in the questions I posed above . If you 'll notice my emphasis is on " we . " Yet if you look at verse 13 , Paul gives us the answer to those " how " questions . We are not capable of finding this contentment alone . Paul gives all the credit to Jesus , totally and completely . He recognized his own limitations and believed completely in Christ to make up for what he lacked . And more . But the true , underlying theme here goes even deeper than contentment and is true in any situation , no matter what it may be . And I can say this with certainty . Keeping our eyes on God is the key - to contentment , to peace , to hope , to perseverance . He 's our one and only answer to everything we need . And more . Praying and believing , Share your voice , heart and love in the comments . THRIVE in your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage and raise your children to faith . Our books are filled with practical experience and Biblical advice . - click or tap the photo - Search me [ thoroughly ] , O God , and know my heart ! Try me and know my thoughts ! And see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me , and lead me in the way everlasting . A couple of weeks ago , my alarm sounded at 5 : 15 a . m . Ugh ! I shut it off . Shrugged into my robe . You should see this robe . It is thick and fuzzy and fat and I look like a warm roly - poly all tied up in it . But , no one is awake in the house at that hour except Jesus and he doesn 't care what I look like . I shuffled to the coffee pot where a fresh brew was waiting . ( One of God 's greatest blessings to humanity is the auto brew feature ) . I pulled my Daily Bible from the drawer along with my prayer binder then moved to sit on the end of the couch under the lamp on the table . I tucked my cold feet under me and I begin to read and sip from the steaming cup . It 's funny what will happen when you just sit with Jesus . You find out just how much you really don 't know . It 's been years since I overcame my disappointments in my marriage . I discovered peace and am happily married to the best guy on the planet . But on this particular morning , God was going to have a WORD with me . Yikes ! As I sat and scribbled a few requests in my prayer book , I immediately stopped in mid - sentence as a thought came to me . " Lynn , you have unforgiveness in your heart . " What , Lord ? Are you talking to me ? " I sat and listened . And then , I was overwhelmed by the Holy Spirit . It was true . Way , way back in the cobwebs of my heart something was lurking . I honestly didn 't know it was there . It was anger . Anger with my husband . I was still mad at him and to top it off , I wasn 't even really sure what I was mad about . Just mad . Angry . " O Lord , Lord , LORD , you are so right . It is there . " To my utter surprise , I was still allowing anger to linger in my soul . I was SHOCKED ! But I knew in that instant it was there . What 's crazy about this is the fact that God has known it was there all along and decided it was time to clue me in . God freaks me out sometimes ! He is amazing in His love and care for us . Now here is the wild part . I prayed , " O , Lord . There IS anger in my heart . I didn 't know I was saving it back there . I confess it to you . Forgive me . " Immediately I felt a physical release . The best way I can think to describe it is as if a rope was tied around me . It had been there so long I didn 't even know it . It had become part of me . But , in that instant I felt like a knife sliced clean through it and released the tension . I 'm not kidding , I felt a physical little pop . I jumped . Then I sat there stunned . What in the world just happened ? I 'll tell you what , God knows me so well , certainly better than I know myself . He yearns for every part of my soul . In that moment , I understood for the first time just how sin binds us up over time . It slowly intertwines itself in our skin , deliberately tightening , shutting down our circulation - life in Christ . Real freedom comes from confession and forgiveness . Unforgivness , the need to be right , having the last word , selfishness , bitterness , hatred , held against anyone is a bitter root , a rope of bondage , that will impede our full relationship with Jesus . I realize forgiveness is difficult . Many of us carry deep woundings , placed there by people who should have protected and cared for us . My journey to forgiveness started with a Search me [ thoroughly ] , O God , and know my heart ! Try me and know my thoughts ! And see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me , and lead me in the way everlasting . But expect Him to reveal some things to you that He want 's changed and then …… Do it ! There is freedom in Jesus . There is happiness in mismatched marriage . Let His name be praised . Be blessed , Lynn Share your voice , heart and love in the comments . THRIVE in your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage and raise your children to faith . Our books are filled with practical experience and Biblical advice . - click or tap the photo - Let us give thanks . It is Thankful Thursday . This month , August , we are all meeting up with Laurie of Women Taking A Stand and in September we will share our thanks with Iris of Grace Alone . This week my heart is full . I work with some of the MOST amazing women in our church office . I tell you what , working in the office of our large church has opened my eyes . The people who work there are under paid and over worked . They deal with life and death problems and the fates of eternities . They love Jesus and work tirelessly in the face of complaints about the donuts or the coffee , or the bathrooms , or the music or . . . . . or . . . . . . and . . . . . and . . . . But , they love Jesus and they serve . I count it an amazing blessing to be on the team of Women 's Ministry . These women I work with are amazing mothers , wives and servants of Jesus . They care deeply for the healing of the women in our congregation and for their spiritual growth . They give hour upon hour , their personal financial resources and their tears to help other women discover the joy of living for Christ . So , today I give thanks with a heart filled up for the unusual blessing of working in a church office , even though I am unequally yoked . But mostly I give thanks to our Lord because these friends , like all of you , are my forever family . My eternal family . I can 't wait to hug your necks in heaven . I truly long to meet you . Happy TT . What are you thankful for ? Be blessed , Lynn Share your voice , heart and love in the comments . THRIVE in your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage and raise your children to faith . Our books are filled with practical experience and Biblical advice . - click or tap the photo - In Mark 10 , we 're told about the story of a rich young man who approaches Jesus and asks what he has to do to inherit eternal life . Now read Jesus ' reply below as I 've shown an edited version of it . You 'll understand why I did this in just a moment . Jesus looked at him . . . " One thing you lack , " he said . " Go , sell everything you have and give to the poor , and you will have treasure in heaven . Then come , follow me . " - Mark 10 : 21 Read it again if you need to and notice every word . Now read the complete version of this same verse : Jesus looked at him and loved him . " One thing you lack , " he said . " Go , sell everything you have and give to the poor , and you will have treasure in heaven . Then come , follow me . " - Mark 10 : 21 Can you see the difference ? If not , go back and compare the two and find the three words missing from the first one . Three little words : and loved him They don 't have to be there to show what 's going on , but those three words stopped me in my tracks . Here stands this young man who lacks nothing materially . Jesus can see his heart before he even speaks a word , and most likely knows what this young man will say . Yet - and this is the part that blows me away - Jesus loved him . He loved this man whose world centered on his wealth . This man who would turn and walk away from the gift Jesus offered . The man who was so mired in his sinful nature that when offered the key to eternity ( Jesus was offering himself here ) , he still chose to walk away . Through all this , Jesus loved this man and met him exactly where he stood , figuratively and literally . Every time Jesus looks upon us , He loves us . Every time Jesus looks upon our unbelieving spouses , He loves them . Exactly where they 're at . These three little words held within the complete context of this chapter of Mark is one of the strongest examples of Christ 's unconditional love . When God inspired the men to write His Word down , He intentionally put those words in there for a reason . Not as an afterthought . As Christ loved this man who was poorDineen Share your voice , heart and love in the comments . THRIVE in your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage and raise your children to faith . Our books are filled with practical experience and Biblical advice . - click or tap the photo - I have one last story to share with you . This trilogy of articles on spiritual warfare has a price . I have asked the Lord to protect my family and me . So today , I ask you to pray over my writing and speaking to result in two things ; that the Lord , Jesus , is honored and that His Saints are empowered to fight the forces of evil . Also , I acknowledge that sharing these accounts of the spiritual realm may be troublesome to those who have never encountered what I describe . However , I began this blog over four years ago with a single purpose : To help others who are married to unbelievers . That is why I am compelled to share this story . It took me years to learn how to fight for my unsaved husband . After too many years and too many tears , I finally found peace with my faith and my spouse through the power of Jesus Christ alive in my heart . I don 't want one other person to live in wasted years of unhappiness and frustration when I can share the truth I know from sitting at the feet of Jesus . It was Christ , Himself who brought healing to my heart and marriage . I want to share what Jesus has taught me so that you can also thrive in your marriage . In addition , I know there are many of you who are married to a spouse who dwells smack in the middle of the enemy camp and the spiritual warfare I describe is very real in your life ( I have read your comments from last week ) . Oh , how I wish I had known what I know now back in the early years . No one was teaching me . No one talked about these battles with the enemy and in fact , most Christians shy away from talking about doing battle with the enemy because it 's so controversial . But , I answer to Jesus and after serious prayer and four years of writing , He told me to share so that I can help someone else fight for their spouse . Thank you for praying for me . Now let 's get started . ____ When I speak at conferences , the audience is always interested in how my husband feels about my ministry efforts . I think that 's a great question and I always tell them this : Today I 'm going to share with you some stories from my marriage , some struggles , triumphs and the fantastic journey in which God has set in motion . I want you to know that my husband enthusiastically supports my writing and speaking . He has given me his full permission to share our lives . In fact , on the day I was preparing to start my blog , I went to my husband and explained what I was doing . I told him that I planned to write about our married life but wouldn 't do it if he objected . I also promised him that if I wrote something I thought might bother him . I would bring it to him to read first so he would be okay with my posting it . ( Every time I have , he has always approved - I love that man ) After my explanation and seeking his approval , he looked at me and said this , " Honey , if you can help one other couple to NOT go through what we have been through . Then GO FOR IT . " Amazing ! I still giggle as I remember this . I giggle and delight at how in spite of my husband 's lack of acknowledging God , God uses my husband to do His work on earth . It 's a blast to watch it all unfold . With that said , I want to share my account of a time when I was praying for my husband . Several , several years ago , I began to pray differently for my husband 's salvation . I was doing some study about breaking spiritual bondage . I was learning that the devil 's lies hold so many people hostage , * * * * * Share your voice , heart and love in the comments . THRIVE in your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage and raise your children to faith . Our books are filled with practical experience and Biblical advice . - click or tap the photo - Share your voice , heart and love in the comments . THRIVE in your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage and raise your children to faith . Our books are filled with practical experience and Biblical advice . - click or tap the photo - Let us give thanks . It is Thankful Thursday . This month , August , we are all meeting up with Laurie of Women Taking A Stand and in September we will share our thanks with Iris of Grace Alone . Walking with Jesus is always a surprise . He is continually showing me His grace , His work in my life and His desire to help the Saints . So last Friday I came home from a walk - and - talk with Him and I was filled with a Holy Fire to share some of my spiritual warfare encounters . So , I wrote what He told me . And , Wow . I 'm finding out as believers , we don 't talk about this kind of warfare too often . And that many of us have actually experienced it . I 'm so thankful that I followed the prompting of the Holy Spirit and wrote what He told me . If you have time to read the stories here is the link : This is Real Spiritual WarfareSpiritual Warfare and our ChildrenStop back on Friday for Spiritual Warfare and my Husband . Praise God from Him we can Fight and WIN ! Have a blessed TT . Hugs , Lynn Share your voice , heart and love in the comments . THRIVE in your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage and raise your children to faith . Our books are filled with practical experience and Biblical advice . - click or tap the photo - When I said , " My foot is slipping , " your love , O LORD , supported me . When anxiety was great within me , your consolation brought joy to my soul . - Psalm 94 : 18 - 19I read these verses yesterday morning during my quiet time . As their truth sank into my spirit , my thoughts latched onto how much God does for us . By nature , gratitude doesn 't come easy . It 's a mindset that takes some practice and diligence . Unlike God , we tend to give a little , then watch for one of two things . Or both . 1 . That we 're appreciated . 2 . That we 'll get something back . It 's kind of like a test for us . And if we 've been burned , we hesitate to give again . This can be especially true in marriage where hearts are easily hurt and motives can take a u - turn toward selfishness . But something magnificent struck me today about God . He gave everything He had ( His Son ) right off the bat . He didn 't hold back , despite the constant pain and rejection he received from his children . He didn 't wait until we truly appreciated Him , nor does expect anything from us . God desires our love and devotion but he wants it as willingly as He gave us His Son . That 's how He works , especially with our unsaved spouses . It 's all about the heart and God 's timing . I know sometimes you feel like you 're at the end of your rope , that you have nothing left to give . Take that as a sign that God 's telling you to quit working from your own reserves and start using His . He never runs out . His love is endless and always accessible , and He 's filled us with it . We 're like a two part tank . One tiny part is filled with our love . It 's the first one we tend to draw from and it runs out fast . Then there 's this huge cavernous tank holding an unlimited supply . The problem is , it 's so big , we have a hard time comprehending how to tap into it . We assume we 're not meant or worthy to . But God 's Word tells us otherwise , and speaks of His amazing love constantly . All for us . Afterall , He loved us enough to give us His Son , right ? So , when you reach that point whDineen Share your voice , heart and love in the comments . THRIVE in your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage and raise your children to faith . Our books are filled with practical experience and Biblical advice . - click or tap the photo - Friday , I came back from my morning jog and I returned home absolutely on fire in my spirit . That morning I wrote about my recent account with evil trying to enter my home and the spiritual warfare in which I engaged . After posting my story , my spirit continued to burn with a Holy inferno to inspire the Saints in their march against the gates of hell . Well , a few hours later Dineen telephoned me to talk about some of the details about our new book . However , I was still all fired up about how the enemy attacks so many of us and we don 't know how to defend ourselves . Poor Dineen , she had a fired - up Lynn Donovan on the line a preachin ' about the power of God and His amazing Son , Jesus . It 's so great she loves me and boy - howdy , do we have the most amazing conversations about the world of our Lord . Anyhoo , while I was on the phone with her I shared a story about another spiritual encounter that not only affected me but my daughter . Dineen and I agreed that it 's time for me to share that story here in the hopes it will help other parents to help their children . So , I ask that you once again understand that the spiritual world is very real . It is all around us and absolutely active . The devil roars around like a lion looking for someone who is weak to devour ( 1 Peter 5 : 8 ) also remember Ephesians 6 : 12 Ephesians 6 : 12 our struggle is not against flesh and blood , but against the rulers , against the authorities , against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms . This passage is NOT a metaphor it is absolute reality and truth . Onward . For many , many years I would be awakened occasionally at night . I especially remember a lot of this kind of activity I 'm about to tell you about happening while I lived in Las Vegas , NV . But it continued when we moved to California . Just as I was falling asleep , when I was in the weird in - between state of being fully awake and fully asleep , I would feel my bed begin to shake . The shaking was vigorous and fast - paced , as if someone was standing at the foot of my bed shaking with determination to wake me . Of course , I was groggy and not fully comprehending what was going on . And of course , the bedroom is dark . So , I would sit up not fully coherent and look around in the dark to see if it was my husband or an earthquake or ? ? ? ? ? I didn 't know what it was and it always stopped . I thought it was my imagination . I thought it was my imagination . No , I convinced myself I imagined it . Well , as I matured in my faith , I began to recognize what was really happening . It was an evil spirit that arrived to frighten me . If I was frightened at night , it was in direct conflict with everything I was learning that God wants for me . The devil wants fear . God wants peace . The devil wants doubt . God wants security . The devil wants me to be paralyzed so I won 't pray . God wants my mind free so He can call on me to pray at night . The devil wants to torment , just for the fun of it . God wants to love us with passion . We are His heart . As I learned about speaking scripture out loud and how to pray against the enemy , I began to fight back . In the darkness of the night when I would begin to drift off to sleep and the bed would shake , I would sit straight up and start praying OUT LOUD . I would pray something similar to the prayer I wrote in Friday 's post . I would also quote scripture . One of my favorite passages and one that holds power against the enemy is : 2 Timothy 1 : 7 ( New International Version ) For God did not give us a spirit of timidity ( fear ) , but a spirit of power , of love and of self - discipline . I would quote this to the enemy and tell it that God did not give me a spirit of fear and I will not be afraid . I would bind the spirit with the name of Jesus . The name of Jesus . The name of our Savior is our strength and our power over the evil in this world . I speak to the enemy as a redeemed child of Jesus and it was by His power I command the enemy to leave my home . In Jesus name and by his shed blood . It would leave . My heart would be pounding but as the years have passed , I 'm not frightened anymore . I know it can 't touch me . And in fact , today it 's quite rare that I experience this kind of spiritual attack . However , the story doesn 't end here . This is what I didn 't know . If that evil thing couldn 't get to me , it went to my daughter 's room . Gulp , I know . It 's hard for me to even type . I don 't want to alarm you as parents but I am convinced it 's critical to know the devil doesn 't restrain himself from messing with our young children , just because their young . The fact is I have seen very small children who are bothered by evil . Have you ever wondered why your kids are afraid of the dark ? ? ? ? There is good reason to be . Okay , now don 't freak out . I 'm sharing this because this knowledge will bind the enemy and help you defend your children from evil . So , how did I find out it was bothering my daughter ? One day my daughter and I were talking about nothing and she brought it up . " Mom , something is shaking my bed at night and it is scaring me . I think I saw something ( - eyes - , her words not mine ) . " She said it happens as she is going to sleep and sometimes in the middle of the night . I think I trembled when I realized my baby girl was in the sights of the enemy . BUT , this is when at a young age I began to teach her to pray against the shaking . Against evil . Now I didn 't make it a scary thing for her but I was truthful . I told her that the devil was trying to frighten her because she loved Jesus . I said to her , " When this happens , you sit up in bed immediately and start praying OUT LOUD and command the evil to leave your room immediately by the power and the blood of Jesus . " I told her to say it over and over . ( I command you in the name of Jesus Christ to leave my room . ) She has learned to fight the enemy with her words and prayers . Let 's be clear here . My daughter KNOWS Jesus . It is critical that we and our kids are connected with Jesus through a personal relationship . Today , she is Even our children have the power to defeat the enemy . But we need to teach them . We need to have our battle armor on and be ready ourselves so we can help our kids . Seriously consider what training have you gifted your children with so they can overcome their fears of the night and of the enemy . The name of Jesus brings enormous comfort and protection to those who claim Him as their Lord . Praying with Power here in California . Be blessed , Lynn Share your voice , heart and love in the comments . THRIVE in your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage and raise your children to faith . Our books are filled with practical experience and Biblical advice . - click or tap the photo - " At that time the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom . Five of them were foolish and five were wise . The foolish ones took their lamps but did not take any oil with them . The wise , however , took oil in jars along with their lamps . The bridegroom was a long time in coming , and they all became drowsy and fell asleep . " At midnight the cry rang out : ' Here 's the bridegroom ! Come out to meet him ! ' " Then all the virgins woke up and trimmed their lamps . The foolish ones said to the wise , ' Give us some of your oil ; our lamps are going out . ' " ' No , ' they replied , ' there may not be enough for both us and you . Instead , go to those who sell oil and buy some for yourselves . ' " But while they were on their way to buy the oil , the bridegroom arrived . The virgins who were ready went in with him to the wedding banquet . And the door was shut . " Later the others also came . ' Sir ! Sir ! ' they said . ' Open the door for us ! ' " But he replied , ' I tell you the truth , I don 't know you . ' " Therefore keep watch , because you do not know the day or the hour . " " In light of the second coming of Christ and with respect to being unequally yoked , how should we live each day ? " As if it were our last chance to love our spouse to Christ . As if it 's our last chance to pray for them . Every moment can matter . This is part of what Lynn and I want so much to share with our upcoming program " The Intentional Marriage . " We can 't walk through each day in our marriages just reacting . We need to be intentional in our actions and be proactive . What can I do for my spouse today that shows them I care ? What can I do for him or her to make his or her day better ? How can I encourage him or her ? While we were living in Europe , my husband rode a motorcycle . He was very good about wearing body armor and everything , but it still worried me . Every time he went out on that motorcycle , I prayed for him . For his protection , etc . That the enemy 's plans to take his life too soon would be thwarted . One day he went out , he almost didn 't come home . As he rode past a trailer truck going the opposite direction , the house it carried slid off into my husband 's lane , just behind him . He said he felt a whoosh , and when he looked in his side mirror , saw the car that was behind him drive through the house . I 'll never forget that day . I try to never forget to pray for him every time he walks out the door . I always tell him I love him and hold him before he leaves . Whatever happens , I want that man to have no doubts that I love him completely . That 's how we should live each day , giving Christ 's love away . Praying and believing , Dineen Share your voice , heart and love in the comments . THRIVE in your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage and raise your children to faith . Our books are filled with practical experience and Biblical advice . - click or tap the photo - I 'm interrupting this Friday and adding a second post . Over the past several days I have been in the midst of some powerful spiritual warfare . I know many other who are smack in the middle of warfare as well . On Wednesday morning , I was up early , 5 : 30 a . m . to read my Bible and pray . As I sat reading , I felt the presence of evil trying to enter our home . I heard noises out back and then something touched the handle on the door to the patio that is only three feet directly behind where I was sitting . Now , I 'm sharing this story not to frighten you but to tell you that spiritual warfare is very real . The Bible speaks clearly to this . Ephesians 6 : 12 ( New International Version ) 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood , but against the rulers , against the authorities , against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms . I am discovering that so many of us don 't truly know how to fight the devil and his minions and I am determined today to share some of what I know and I have found effective . So onward with the story . I immediately began to pray OUT LOUD . Our spoken words result in enormous power in the battle . It is the words we speak into the spiritual realm that have cause and effect . This is true when we are living in the will of God . So , if you aren 't right with God . Get so right now . Confess any sin and ask for forgiveness , turn to God for healing and beg Him to reveal His will for your life . THEN OBEY . Stay in God 's Word , daily . I can 't stress this enough . If you are not in God 's Word every day and you aren 't praying , you are vulnerable . The words we speak affect every aspect of our lives . I have watch people sabotage their own prayers by saying something stupid later in the day which was counter to what they prayed . The Bible is filled with warnings about how we use our words . And , to stress this further , may I remind you of how the world began ? God spoke it into existence . Whoa ! I began to pray something like this . I bind the enemy that is trying to enter this home by the power and blood of Jesus Christ . I bind all the works and affects this evil is trying to place upon my home and family . I ask you Father , to dispatch angels this very moment to fight for our home . Let them stand at every door and window with their swords drawn . Lord , fill this house with light and the power of Your Holy Spirit . Let it glow so brightly that the devil and his minions flee for miles around . Lord , I bind these evil creatures to the pit of hell , never to return . Father , it is your will that prevails in this house . It is your home . Place a hedge of protection around it and around my family ( I name them by name ) . Lord , may our home and our lives bring you all , honor and power and glory and worship . I pray by the name of my Redeemer . It is his shed blood that purchased my life and it is Jesus who holds the keys . In His powerful and life - giving name , Jesus . Amen Okay , I know this prayer is a little disjointed but God gets me and hears and you know what happened next ? I felt . . . . . or I guess the best way to describe it is I sensed a super - fast motion around the house and almost immediately heard the flap of our dog door on the other side of the house flap loudly like something had speedily thrust threw it . Then I knew ( sensed ) it was over . They were gone . Do I understand why sometimes these things occur ? No . Do they happen less frequently now as when I was weak in my faith ? Yes Would these attacks occur if I was married to a Christian ? Yes Is the devil threatened by me and therefore attacking with more intensity ? Absolutely I can expect to do battle with the ugly one until the day I step into heaven . God expects it . I am part of His Kingdom . I can promise you that I have done battle for so many of you . I don 't say that to point to myself . I am not righteous . I am not even a very good Christian at times . But , I love God 's people and when He sends them to me to pray , I do it . Now it 's your turn . Take up the battle . You have a family to protect . You have neighbors who are hurting because they are listening to the lies of the enemy . You have Jesus . You have the answer so speak His power into your world . It is by His name w * * * * * Share your voice , heart and love in the comments . THRIVE in your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage and raise your children to faith . Our books are filled with practical experience and Biblical advice . - click or tap the photo - Hello Everyone : We are postponing our first broadcast of The Intentional Marriage until next month . The second Friday , September 10th . We found ourselves a little behind on many of the details and didn 't want to do a partially good job . . It is our earnest prayer that we put forth the BEST job and share words and stories that inspire you to live your married life intentionally . So we will hope you will join us next month . We will remind you as the date approaches . In the mean time . I have a question for you . In the many years of walking in my faith , married to an unbeliever , I have discovered that there are numerous times where I mistakenly created conflict in my marriage over matters of faith . I also discovered those grow opportunities fights were a waste of time . Of late , however , I realize there are times when we absolutely must engage in conflict . I may have backed down many times as I pushed , argued and tried to convince my husband that God exists and Jesus is real . But , through my relentless living of my faith and engaging in conversation when I could , my moments of conflict have impacted my husband and moved him closer to the cross . I am also convinced I cannot be someone I 'm not . I can 't pretend I don 't know God . I can 't stay quiet about my views and I share them with my daughter and I even share my " God moments " with my man . In the early years , he would bristle over any mention of this sort . Today , it 's just his life with Lynn . It would disappoint him today if I was not my authentic self with him . I feel exactly the same . I want his authentic self , warts , snoring and all . Conflict in marriage is inevitable and it 's part of every healthy marriage . So my question . How do we navigate conflict as it relates to our faith ? Looking forward to your thoughts and we chat about this again on Monday . Be blessed , Lynn * * * * * Share your voice , heart and love in the comments . THRIVE in your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage and raise your children to faith . Our books are filled with practical experience and Biblical advice . - click or tap the photo - Let us give thanks . It is Thankful Thursday . This month , August , we are all meeting up with Laurie of Women Taking A Stand and in September we will share our thanks with Iris of Grace Alone . Lord Almighty , Lord , I am overwhelmed you placed me into that young woman 's life to share the hope I have in Christ . The hope we all have in Christ . Father , so many are in deep pain in their lives right now . And we your church , the believers , have the truth that can set them free . We have the truth that this life is not doable without You . So , Lord , I am available . Choose me . I will pray , I will hurt with them and rejoice with them , I will love on those you send my way . I am utterly and deeply thankful that you use ordinary people like me in the service of Your Kingdom . I worship you . I love you . Forever and ever . In the name of my Redeemer , Jesus , I pray and give you thanks . Your humble servant . Lynn Share your voice , heart and love in the comments . THRIVE in your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage and raise your children to faith . Our books are filled with practical experience and Biblical advice . - click or tap the photo - God took me on a most interesting walk yesterday . First , let me preface this with something you might find interesting . I walk our dog three times a week in the morning to get some exercise , and for a long time , I 've gone the same two routes . See , up until recently , going new places , whether walking , driving , or flying has cause me some anxiety . Not much but just enough that it keeps me in a comfortable pattern . Well , you know how God is about those comfortable places . And as I 've shared since my father 's death , God has had me on a journey of No Fear . So , in the last couple months as I walk our dog , I seem to be drawn toward new detours and directions . Without fear and anxiety . Amazing ! Yesterday , God seemed to have a plan in mind . As I traversed up a new street , I sensed God 's nudge . " Go that way . " Pooch and I changed direction and followed His leading . Now , normally when I walk , I don 't see many people . Yet as we took this new path , I ran into person after person . First , an older man walking with a cane . Without even thinking about it , I greeted him and smiled . Not normal for this somewhat shy person . Pooch and I continued on . We passed two to three more people working in their yards . As we passed each one , God nudged me to pray for them . I did as He asked , praying mostly that they knew Jesus . We took another turn down a street I 'd never traveled on and saw a man sweeping his drive . Again , God nudged me to pray . For pain , for hurt , for healing , for renewed strength and faith . Though I knew none of the details , I could sense there was great pain in this man 's life . The Holy Spirit gave me a glimpse of God 's heart for this person . We went on , and passed yet another man sweeping the sidewalk . I began to pray again , but God said , " He already knows me . " Another turn took us to a street I recognized , and I knew it was time to head home . I scanned the houses I 'd passed so many times before and realized a new perspective - God 's perspective . Each home held people God loved , ached for . Died fDineen Share your voice , heart and love in the comments . THRIVE in your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage and raise your children to faith . Our books are filled with practical experience and Biblical advice . - click or tap the photo - I am now a contributor to the Internet Cafe , The Marriage Counter . I am delighted to return as a writer at the Cafe . A long , long time ago I wrote articles there and I have missed being part of that amazing team of writers . Share your voice , heart and love in the comments . THRIVE in your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage and raise your children to faith . Our books are filled with practical experience and Biblical advice . - click or tap the photo - I did a post at Laced with Grace about our precious poochy , Shasta , and the results of her DNA testing . Her results were not at all what we expected ! Click here to read about her Doggy DNA . Have a wonderful weekend and if you have a pet , think of the ways that little critter is a gift from God . Praying and believing , Dineen Share your voice , heart and love in the comments . THRIVE in your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage and raise your children to faith . Our books are filled with practical experience and Biblical advice . - click or tap the photo - Here is a small factoid I bet you didn 't know about Dineen and I ( Lynn ) . This blog was launched in May of 2006 . Dineen was one of the first readers and she and I became fast friends . Within six months she and I became a team and have been writing and serving Jesus together ever since . We talk via email , daily . And , I do mean daily . Sometimes more than 10 emails will fly between us . We also chat on the phone several days each week and we pray together over the phone . We brain storm our ideas and share what the Lord is speaking to us on a given day . We agonize and pray together over the emails that arrive from people who are in crisis in their marriage and we celebrate with those who find healing in their hearts and marriages through the power and love our our Jesus . We are best friends . But up until today , Dineen and I have only met face - to - face for less than two minutes . We connected at a Deeper Still Conference in San Francisco for only two minutes . Other than that we have never spent any significant time in the same room . Now think about this . We have written together here at SUM for four years and have even written a book together . Do you find this fact as uncanny as I do ? ? ? ? Well , think it 's just like our Lord to do something this different just so He can display the power of His will in the lives of two ordinary women . But today , as you read this I am on my way to pick Dineen up from the airport and we are then off to spend time with our Acquisitions Editor , Kim . Kim is awesome and we both have a wonderful friendship with her . We will also meet some of the team at Regal Books , our publisher . So today Dineen and I are asking all of you our friends , to rejoice over this amazing reunion and to pray for us . Please ask our Lord Jesus to bless our time together as we are going to plan our first broadcast for The Intentional Marriage , to be aired next Friday . Please pray for safety as we will spend some hours on the LA freeways . Yikes ! Pray we remain humble and only seek to glorify the name of Jesus . Thank you all of our frie * * * * * Share your voice , heart and love in the comments . THRIVE in your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage and raise your children to faith . Our books are filled with practical experience and Biblical advice . - click or tap the photo - Let us give thanks . It is Thankful Thursday . This month , August , we are all meeting up with Laurie of Women Taking A Stand and in September we will share our thanks with Iris of Grace Alone . Do any of you remember the staples commercial for back to school ? It just makes me grin . . . . . I am also excited as my daughter begins her sophomore year in high school . Oh , what adventures await . What drama and heart breaks . What auditions are ahead and homework ? It is a rich blessing to be a parent . I am so utterly and deeply thankful the Lord gave me two children . I am thankful for the richness of family . What are you thankful for ? Looking forward to reading your post . PS . Stop back next Friday for our debut of The Intentional Marriage . I hope it inspires you to be intentional in your own marriage . Be blessed , Lynn Share your voice , heart and love in the comments . THRIVE in your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage and raise your children to faith . Our books are filled with practical experience and Biblical advice . - click or tap the photo - Over the last few weeks I 've posted several articles about loving our spouses unconditionally . Here are the links in case you want to review . Step One : Choose to Love Step Two : Focus on Your Mission Step Three : Obedience This week , I 'd like to take this to what I believe is a subtle yet very crucial aspect to loving our spouses unconditionally . In step two , I talked about keeping our focus on God . Let 's take a deeper look and talk about vision . Now I 'm not talking about the health of your eyes , or anything supernatural ( at least not anything existing outside the perimeters of God 's prsence and power ) . I 'm talking about grasping a sense of what God has planned for our unbelieving spouses . " Catching the vision " of what God wants for our spouse , so to speak . This requires more than just 20 / 20 vision . Many of the comments you 've left on these posts have mentioned trust , a key element that must be present and growing in our relationship with God . When we don 't trust God with the future of our mismatched marriages , we can 't see the potential in our spouses . I recently had the opportunity to exchange emails with a dear woman who 's been unequally yoked for fourteen years . She shared some of her journey from near divorce to a thriving marriage today , despite the fact that her husband is still an unbeliever . And how God works through her to minister to others on similar paths now . I just love how she put this in her own words : " Standing by our men doesn 't look like sense to the rest of the world . Even to some it looks like denial , but faith is all the difference . Others don 't see in our husbands what we see , for we see the promise ! ! We see them with the eyes of God , we see the priest of the home , the leader of the family in the making . " - Renee Seeing that promise in our spouses is part of keeping our focus on God . We see the potential , the promise . This is so important to staying focused on what God 's doing . When we shift that attention to our situations , we tend to see only what 's wrong and grow discontent and impatient . Our vision becomes limited . We need the spiritual glasses of faith and trust to see what God is doing and to know where we have opportunities to work with Him toward the salvation of our spouses . To do otherwise is to remain in darkness and lose hope . Ask God to help you see your spouse through His eyes . Then trust Him to show you amazing things . Praying and believing , Share your voice , heart and love in the comments . THRIVE in your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage and raise your children to faith . Our books are filled with practical experience and Biblical advice . - click or tap the photo - Also , I absolutely love the Marriage Monday meme over at Chrysalis . E - Mom is one of my dearest and oldest online sisters . This month we are linking up and chatting about : Romantic Favorite Foods . I will share a secret about marriage as it comes to food . My husband has traveled as part of his job all of our married life until recently . One of the best gifts I could give him was a home cooked meal . And , if I spiced it up and he broke out in a sweat , all the better . 4 oz . ( 1 / 2 of 8 - oz . pkg . ) PHILADELPHIA Cream Cheese , cubed 1 Tbsp . chopped cilantro 1 tsp . Ground cumin 1 cup KRAFT Shredded Cheddar & Monterey Jack Cheese , divided 8 Flour tortillas ( 6 inch ) This is my part : Add sliced jalapeños on top of the chicken mixture to turn up the heat . HEAT large skillet spayed with cooking spray on medium heat . Add onions and garlic ; cook and stir 2 min . Add chicken , 1 / 4 cup salsa , cream cheese , cilantro and cumin ; mix well . Cook 5 min . or until heated through , stirring occasionally . Add 1 / 2 cup shredded cheese ; mix well . One more thing . Next Friday , August 13th , Spiritually Unequal Marriage will launch a new meme up , The Intentional Marriage ( read more about it here ) . We have a great idea for our first meme up that I pray you will find a meaningful experience for your marriage and will likely inspire others in their marriage . So stop in a be part of the day . More to come about this new adventure . Stop back this Friday . Hugs , Lynn Share your voice , heart and love in the comments . THRIVE in your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage and raise your children to faith . Our books are filled with practical experience and Biblical advice . - click or tap the photo - Sign in with our Comment Host , Disqus , pronounced , Discuss . Add your photo , share your thoughts , prayer requests , and become an active part of our family here on the web . Click here to take the tour and sign in . Hugs , Lynn & Dineen
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Yesterday , I felt like I was living in The Neighborhood of Make - Believe . With each bar I hummed , more and more neighborhood kids arrived to play in our gringo world of make - believe . Steven , the two - year - old , crawled under the fence and toddled over to our house wearing his cloth diapers . He reminded me of the character , Daniel Striped Tiger , in the Neighborhood of Make - Believe . Like Daniel Striped Tiger , Steven is shy , yet affectionate and loving when he gets to know you . Ron plopped him in the wheelbarrow and Steven helped him dig a trench and drop bricks and stones into the trench for a needed retaining wall . Steven 's favorite greeting is " guapa " ( the female adjective for handsome ) . In fact , everything is " guapa " . " Steven , do you want some lunch ? " I asked . " Guapa " , he responded . " Steven , do you want to color ? " " Guapa , " he said . " Steven , your diaper is dirty . You can 't sit on my couch . " " Guapa " , he replied as he plopped down on my couch with a giggle . Christian ( 10 years old ) and Reyna ( 12 years old ) arrived to play with Cory and Sam , but Cory and Sam weren 't here , so they hung out with the old gringos . Christian reminds me of Cornflake S . Pecially because , like Cornflake , she is good - natured , inventive , and industrious . I showed her how to cut the grass with my sickle . It took a few swings to perfect her stroke , and in no time the grass was flying . She 'd make a wicked golfer . Reyna reminds me of Hula Mouse . Hula Mouse was a Spanish speaking character that could do many wondrous things with his hula hoop . Cory and Sam had their slack - line suspended between two trees ( It is similar to a flat tight rope ) , and Reyna demonstrated her keen sense of balance in walking the slack - line . Johnson showed up with a sack of bananas for us . Yesterday was his birthday . Johnson comes to our house every Sunday and Ron teaches him English , as well as trains him for marathons . Johnson is like Prince Friday . He is curious , interested in his schoolwork , dedicated , and very respectful . Julio arrived with his machete . I have been asking him to machete our yard for us for days . Remember , we have no lawn mowers on the island ( and only a few in the entire country ) . Julio is Bob Dog , the lovable , good - hearted , and rather timid dog , who loves to howl . Like Bob Dog , Julio is shy around girls and sometimes gets confused when things get complicated ( especially when we are all speaking English ) . Julio is practically part of our family . We 've known him since he was 9 years old . His birthday is next Tuesday and he will be 19 years old . He also is graduating from high school . There will be a dual celebration , his family has a big fiesta planned for Saturday . I 'm making a chocolate cake … Julio 's favorite . There were probably a dozen other people that showed up at our house yesterday . Marvin , my iron man , measured my kitchen walls for two more projects . Santiago stopped by to pick up a memory card I purchased for him in the states . He 's going to help Ron with his retaining wall in lieu of paying us money for the memory card . Roberto arrived in his truck to pick up some gravel and barbed wire for Izzy . Izzy , from Australia , is staying with Roberto and she is building a little earth bag house for herself on Roberto 's property . Too many visitors to remember … but that 's the way it usually is in the Neighborhood of Make - Believe . I love the spontaneity . If I had to compare myself to a character in The Neighborhood of Make - Believe , I would say I am most like Harriette Elizabeth Cow . She was the school teacher at the school house at Some Place Else . She is a kindly teacher who has a warm relationship with her students and likes to help them in interesting ways . Yep … that 's me . Comparing Ron to a character is a little more difficult . He is a blend of several characters . He could be part Edgar Cooke , the chef at the castle . Edgar Cooke generally sang his messages in a minor key . Ron … poor Ron , loves to sing , but he is tone deaf . His messages shriek in a low pitched song , making all the neighbors giggle behind his back . He is definitely not like King Friday XIII . King Friday XIII ruled in a regal and pompous manner . So unlike Ron , mi esposo . Instead , I think he has many virtues and qualities like Mister Rogers . He is a gentle , compassionate , creative , and virtuous man . Yep , that 's Ron . My trip to the Neighborhood of Make - Believe must come to an end , now . It 's time for me to return to the Real Neighborhood , where I 'll take on new roles . Today , I 'm Miss Paulificate , who had a cleaning service and was always seen with a duster . My duster is my little whisk broom . Ron will return to the Real Neighborhood playing the role of Handyman Negri , who was the royal handyman and always available to help with repairs around the kingdom . Mister Rogers always ended each episode with the song , " Tomorrow , Tomorrow " . Now , I 'll have that song stuck in my head all day . Here 's to starting each day with a song or two , and a smile ! For those of you who know Ron , you also know that his passions are fishing and gardening . If you come to visit us , generally you 'll find him puttering around in the huge garden in our back yard . If he 's not there , he 'll be in the front yard , fishing . Our little La Paloma beach house is the perfect setting for Ron . The early morning sun rises above Vulcan Concepcion spreading its tropical rays on his mounds of fruits and vegetables scattered throughout the half - acre garden . The fence is dotted with wild purple morning glories and vibrant yellow flowers resembling an old English country garden watercolor painting . In our front yard , Lake Cocibolca waves her gentle fingers beyond our front doors tempting Ron with her aquatic delights . Life couldn 't be more perfect , or more picturesque . With a year round growing season , Ron has experimented with a variety of fruits and vegetables . His cucumbers , papaya , green beans , sweet potatoes , black beans , black - eyed peas , oregano , and greens are bearing now . It 's been a constant battle , though , with the neighbor 's chickens , the nematodes , leaf - cutter ants , and yesterday , the wild horse that got in the garden and ate the leaves off his banana tree . The only consolation was that the horse manure landed exactly in the right spot . The neighborhood kids were here playing baseball yesterday and they forgot to close the front gate . This morning , Julio spotted the horse and he and his four bony dogs chased it out of the yard . Our friends and neighbors have generously supplied us with sweet potato cuttings , peanuts , basil , mint , and other starter plants . Ron has tenderly nurtured carrots and beets for months now , but so far , they refuse to grow . Some people have told us to pee on the plants , but that hasn 't solved the problem . There are so many mysteries to tropical gardening . The volcanic soil is rich and sandy , yet it lacks certain nutrients . For example , Ron 's tomato plants were growing tall and spindly like something out of Jack and the Bean Stock , so one of my former English students told Ron to try pouring milk in the soil . Instead , he mixed up the liquid calcium supplement I bought from the traveling pharmacist , and it worked like a charm . Now , they have been attacked by nematodes , so he had to sterilize the soil and plant them in buckets to prevent another nematode onslaught . Ron 's garden is dotted with avocado trees , papayas , eggplant , peppers , cantaloupe , and garbanzo beans . Between the rows and circles , Ron machetes the tall grass to make mounds of compost . It 's a never - ending job . But , in the process , Ron has lost over twenty pounds . Today , he was showing me his arms and his machete arm appears to be twice the size of his other one . He 's becoming a real pro with his machete … . a sign that he 's fitting into this primitive , macho world of ours . Although all the neighbors like to visit Ron 's garden , it 's really puzzling that no one has a garden of their own here . We can 't understand why they don 't garden . There are large fields of tobacco , plantains , coffee , rice , beans , and sesame seeds , but no family gardens . We haven 't figured out if they lack the initiative or the know how , or both . Don Jose , our closest neighbor , sometimes doesn 't have enough food to feed his family , yet he has a big garden spot behind his house that is overgrown with mango trees , lemons , and other tropical fruit trees . One of the locals recently told us , " We like to pick and we like to eat . " That 's very true . Maybe they just don 't know how to dig and plant . Fruits are so abundant here and easily obtainable . If we want lemons , mangos , oranges , coconuts , hot peppers , or other fruits , we walk outside and gather them off the trees or the ground . When Ron gets tired of gardening or macheting , he grabs his fishing pole and heads to the lake . The lake near our house is very shallow and sandy . Although , the Guapote ( the big , fat fish of the lake ) are generally found in the more rocky , deeper areas , he 's been successful at catching smaller , silvery fighting fish that jump into the air about six feet . The Munchaca are harder to eat because they have lots of little bones . His fishing pole is still a novelty in the land of long fishing nets . Strangers walking along the shore will often stop and stare at Ron casting his line into the lake . They 're sort of befuddled with the unusual contraption and don 't know what to make of it . One day , Ron took his electronic fish finder to the lake with him and you can 't imagine all the fuss that it created . For the past week , Cory and Sam have been flying a spider man kite . The end of November and December are the windy months … excellent kite weather . With lots of creative ingenuity and third world materials , they attached the kite to Ron 's fishing pole and tested it out at the beach . As a result , we 've learned many new Spanish words like … tail , kite , wind , and crash and burn . Ron is also the household chef . I 'm glad that he enjoys cooking because it gives me more time to write . Like his fishing pole , a cocina man " kitchen man " is a novelty on Ometepe and I suspect in all Latin American cultures . The neighbors are in awe when they see Ron in the kitchen preparing a meal . Several years ago , when I asked my English student boys how to prepare plantains or other exotic fruits and vegetables , they gave me blank stares . They had no idea what takes place in a kitchen . The cocina is an alien world full of frilly aprons , smoky fires , squawking pigs , and crying babies . I gave them a writing assignment one day . " Go home and write the recipe for your favorite meal , in English . " They had to interview their mothers and translate the recipes into English . Not many could do it and the recipes I got were useless because they don 't use measuring cups or ovens . The recipes were hysterical with words like , drain the blood , gather the wood , use a fistful of oil , and locate a chicken egg . So now you have a little peek into my amazing husband 's life . He 's definitely a keeper ! ! I 've seen these young Nica women eyeing him and smiling seductively at a gringo who likes to cook , fish , and garden and I may have to swat them away with my twig broom . Life on Ometepe suits him well . As the neighbors say , " He 's a beddy goot man . " Posted on November 16 , 2011 by Rewired and Retired in Nicaragua 8 I am in travel mode again . I 'm headed to Florida with my mother and step - father , then back to Nicaragua . While I am traveling , enjoy a story I wrote about our first Thanksgiving in Nicaragua in 2004 . Seven years later , many things have changed , while many things stay the same . I 'm hoping that I will be able to buy a frozen turkey on the mainland this year . A new airport is almost finished where the old airstrip used to be . Norman still drives his truck around broadcasting the local news . Tourists still die climbing our volcanoes . ( The two boys lost on Vulcan Maderas in 2004 were found dead , three weeks later ) Our electricity is still sporadic . Yet , for all that remains the same … I wouldn 't trade it for a mansion or a million dollars . Home is where the heart is … and my heart is embedded on Ometepe Island . The biggest problems we have encountered in living on Ometepe are speculation and rumors . Lacking a local newspaper , radio station , or television station , the islanders have to rely on information from an outside source to keep them abreast of current conditions on the home front . If there is a death , birth , wedding , political rally , or a new bank in Moyogalpa , someone hires Norma 's son to broadcast the announcement . He hops into his beat up old Nissan truck with two giant speakers in the bed and travels the rutted roads blasting the news , which is gratefully appreciated by even the most auditory challenged listeners . However , Norma 's son only delivers local Moyogalpa news , so anyone needing information about other parts of the island has to rely on media that isn 't always accurate . Such was the case on Thanksgiving Day . A week before Thanksgiving , Ron and I were on a wild chompipe chase , ' a wild turkey chase ' . I wanted a turkey for Thanksgiving , even though we have no oven to cook it . Necessity is the mother of invention , so I had a plan to roast it in a big hole that we would dig in the sand on our beach . Things didn 't turn out as I had planned because , although we found a live turkey , Ron wanted no part of my plan and refused to bother with such a massive production . However , a day before Thanksgiving , Francisco , my dedicated English student , and now a good friend , came to our rescue with a 5 to 6 pound Guapote that his Uncle Foster caught in his fishing net . While wandering the streets of Moyogalpa looking for a chompipe , we heard Norma 's son broadcasting the opening of a new bank . We 're getting rather good at identifying the shish kebob of Spanish words in context and are now able to get the drift of most conversations if we know the subject . We stopped at the Hospedaje Central for a cold beer and listened to a discussion about the two lost hikers on Vulcan Maderas . A tourist asked if they found the boys and Valeria launched into a tirade about the stupidity of hikers that refuse to spend ten dollars to hire a guide to trek the volcanoes . Thanksgiving Day , a week after the boys were lost , Ron and I were disassembling our broken fan to get parts to make a grill for our Guapote , when we heard a helicopter flying above our house . The only other time we saw anything flying above Ometepe was in early November , right before the elections . Daniel Ortega hovered above our house and landed in the La Paloma playground near the elementary school . He campaigned hard for the Sandinista mayor and handed out US dollars to all the kids at the school . Previously , the islanders had seen one plane in February , 2004 . A prop plane flying from Columbia to Guatemala lost altitude over Ometepe and their choice was to dump their cargo or crash into the lake . They opted to dump their load , which consisted of many kilos of cocaine dropped from the sky like manna from heaven . We dropped our fan pieces and ran out to see the helicopter flying in the direction of Vulcan Maderas . All the neighbors were jumping and running excitedly to catch a glimpse of the novelty . We wondered if it was the old Sandinista helicopter hired by the US boy 's parents to search for their son . It looked exactly like the helicopter that Daniel Ortega flew in … an old , army helicopter painted in camouflaged colors . I wondered who was piloting the antiquated thing and if it was an old Sandinista pilot who had both of his legs blown off in the war . I wondered why there wasn 't a helicopter hired to search for the El Salvadoran and if the boys on Vulcan Maderas were still alive . A few minutes later , a new Piper Cub buzzed our house . It circled four times headed for the old landing strip near our house . We all hopped on bicycles and peddled frantically to the old landing strip to see if it would land . Julio clung to the handlebars , Luvis straddled the rear tire , Ron panted as he wove through the rutted , black sand road , and I ran along the side . At the old air strip , everyone from La Paloma had gathered to watch the event . I really don 't know if the landing strip had ever been used and after a heavy rainy season , the volcanic sand had washed most of the strip into the lake leaving crevices large enough to park a Mac Truck inside the holes . The islanders watched in fascination as the shiny bird circled four more times , each time getting lower to inspect the potential landing site . But , to the disappointment of all , it was unable to land and it sped off across the lake toward Managua . Like the fish kill in September , speculation and rumor abounded . Everyone thought these unusual sightings of novel flying machines had something to do with the boys lost on the volcano . One onlooker said he just heard on the radio that one of the boys had been found alive . Another said , " No . All they found so far was a wallet . " Everyone agreed that it was a huge event because the lost boys were gringos . Although the other boy was from Great Britain , all the islanders called anyone with white skin a gringo . Technically , that term is reserved for citizens of the USA because during the war with Mexico , when the Mexican soldiers saw the green uniforms of US soldiers , they said , " Green , go " in other words , " get your asses out of our country . " But , the islanders use the term affectionately and we don 't find it offensive . Where was Norma 's son when you needed him ? We didn 't know what to believe about the lost boys . We returned to our house and it began to rain , so instead of grilled Guapote , Ron made a delicious Guapote Thanksgiving stew . I think it topped the turkey . We sipped a bottle of Chilean wine and toasted our lives on this wondrous primitive island lacking any hint of tourism infrastructure . We gave thanks for the many blessings bestowed on our lives and prayed for the safety of the boys on the volcano . We drank to our generous neighbors , whose family has increased now that Papa 's two older daughters and their little niños have moved back home ( another long , sad , story ) , and thanked them for translating the TV news that evening using slow , well pronounced words for our benefit . The Managua station said there is no new information . It 's been ten days now and the boys still haven 't been found . We 're all dreading the news that maybe they didn 't survive and wondering what the effects of these deaths will have on tourism on Ometepe . Sideline : Sorry , this letter is so disjointed . We 've been without electricity 2 days now , and tonight ( Sunday ) our neighbors who own the little palm leafed bar down the road have somehow bypassed the transformer that blew up so they could have electricity for cold beer and loud music . Lester 's Papa sent him on his bicycle tonight to tell us that we 'd have electricity until 3 am . With lots of sign language and pictures on our white board , we figured out that the temporary line is dangling dangerously close to the lake water and we have to shut off the power to our house before we go to bed so we don 't get a dangerous power surge . Anyway , that 's the best I can make of it . It has been a relaxing change without power . I 've read , painted a beautiful watercolor scene looking out our front door , and Ron 's been busy in the garden … which I promise will be the next newsletter . We had our freezer full of chicken , Guapote , and hamburger . . so today we had a big feast with the neighbors . We grilled hamburgers , made two types of delicious fish and cheese stews , and ate delicious grilled chicken and plantains . Lourdita , the 3 - year - old , wore her red party dress , which she tore on the fence ; we danced , drank lemon / rum drinks , warm beer … , and sang lots of Spanish songs . It 's almost December and we 're looking forward to many celebrations . Cory will be here Dec . 9th , Julio 's birthday is the sixth , ( now , he and Luvis have told me that Papa looked at The Paper and said that Julio is only 11 and Luvis is only 10 ) go figure … . no one seems to know how old they are here ! ! Our neighbor 's daughter at the local bar is getting married this month , and many French Canadians have flown in for the wedding , because Eric , the groom , is from Quebec . We feel like we are becoming a part of the community now . I even helped to birth Don Jose 's litter of piglets . Today started a festival of the Immaculate Conception . Apparently , they take the Virgin Mary out of the church and she sleeps in various homes for the next eight days . Everyone gets to hunt for her at 7 o ' clock each evening . When they find her , the house owner has to give everyone presents , like fruit , candy , and little toys . Then , the home owner has to cart her back to the church and they start all over again . Ron and I are hoping that she doesn 't end up at our house because we 'll have to buy lots of toys and candy and she 'd be very heavy to carry a mile back to town . We can 't quite figure out how the Immaculate Conception occurred on Dec . 8th and Jesus was born on Dec . 25th . Well , I 'm really rambling , now … trying to fit it all in and copy it before we shut off the power to the house . I 'd better close this before I really get carried away . I 'll write a better letter when I have reliable power . I am unbelievably homesick ! Not for the states , but for my family and home in Nicaragua . I had to return to the states for three weeks . UGH ! In a period of two weeks I 've endured a bureaucratic nightmare of paperwork , cold and snow in my shorts and flip - flops , hospitals and nursing home visits with elderly parents , an ingrown toenail , packing and moving my mother and her husband to Florida , the Penn State scandal on every TV station , a bad haircut , and skin so dry and scaly that I look like an alligator . Enjoy my homesickness in color slideshow . Just looking at these photos keeps me sane . I 'm tapping my emerald flip - flops together … there 's no place like home … there 's no place like home . Today is election day in Nicaragua . Daniel Ortega is the projected winner . Of course , anyone living in Nicaragua for the past six months could have predicted this long ago . Instead of a political discourse ( I am certainly not a political analyst ) , and since my contest is over and we have a winner ( see post below ) , I thought you might be interested in a few facts about the dung beetle , and a comparison of dung beetles to politicians . You may choose to read between the lines … or not . Fact # 1 : A dung beetle refers to all the species of beetles which are dependent on the feces of animals for their food and shelter . Not surprisingly , the species of politicians feed off the crap of their constituents , as well . They have a peculiar ability to eat the poo of their followers and regurgitate it into meaningless promises … and more poo . For their survival as a species depends on the crap received and redistributed within their habitats . Fact # 2 : There exist more than 7 , 000 species of dung beetles on the planet , which are found on all continents except for Antarctica . Politicians are found all over the world , too … except for Antarctica . Antarctica has no president or government . Apparently , this frozen continent is governed by seals and penguins . So , it would be very difficult to tell a dung beetle or a politician to eat sh * * on Antarctica . Very little poo is found there . Fact # 3 : Dung beetles have an important role in mythology . The Egyptian scarab beetle was considered sacred . The ancient Egyptians believed that it was a giant dung beetle that kept the world revolving , as these beetles revolve dung balls today . Some tribes in South America believe that the first human was carved from a dung ball . As with politicians , the sh * * hits the fan as it continuously rolls from one government office to another … gaining momentum … growing larger and more powerful … until it is so enormous and so powerful … it is unstoppable . It becomes a bureaucratic nightmare filled with a stench that spreads its greedy , rolling poo throughout the world . It makes me wonder if the first human carved from a dung ball was a politician . Fact # 4 : Even though it may sound repelling to eat feces , dung beetles are very helpful little insects . They disperse seeds , clean up animal poo , and recycle nutrients back into the soil . Politicians can be very helpful , too . So , the next time you see your local politicians , tell them to " eat sh * * . " It may be the best compliment they have ever received . Thank you , dear readers , for participating in my contest . We actually have two winners : Sandy and Tamara . They both guessed a dung beetle ball , only 3 minutes apart . Your seed dolphin prize should be in the mail , soon .
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" Nope . He done used the name of two cities - Conway , Arkansas , and Twitty , Texas and bam ! Just like that , he became Conway Twitty . " " Well , ain 't nobody seems to know for sure . Maybe a couple a ' days ago . Folks been sayin ' they seen him around since Thursday and it 's Saturday now , so you kin figger it out . " " I don 't think so . But to tell the truth , I ain 't heard . Seems more like he jes ' slipped into town for the funeral . At least that 's what I been hearin ' . Knowin ' him and how he feels about this town , he 'll prob ' ly be gone the next day . " " He ain 't been home since his brother got kilt . He didn 't even come home when his daddy died . I know they didn 't get along so well , but he was still his father . Jes ' don 't seem right to me . " " I can 't answer that . All I know is that boy can sing . Now how ' bout you finish cuttin ' my hair so I kin git home and watch the game ? " Tray Johnson could sing . That wasn 't in dispute . Since he left home in Tyler , Texas , five years ago at the age of 19 , he 'd gone from washing dishes at a restaurant in Nashville to having two number - one hits and another dozen in the country music top 40 . He was 24 , famous , rich , and chased by more girls than any man had a right to be chased by . What no one knew was how deeply unhappy he was ; how little the constantly growing numbers in his bank account did to fill the void in his life . He 'd tried pretty much everything he could think of to fill it , but it was a voracious black hole that was sucking the life out of him . For a couple of years , he 'd done what any guy his age did in his position . He picked one or two or sometimes three of the prettiest groupies who showed up backstage after the show and took them back to his hotel room . He 'd somehow managed to avoid the temptation to try things like cocaine and meth , but he 'd fueled up on blended whiskey more nights than not , waking up the next morning laying beside some other nameless naked girl ( or girls ) he couldn 't remember screwing the night before feeling more alone than he ever had . And yet he 'd do it all over again that very night . He never knew his mother and he never forgave his father who died from liver failure six months ago . There were only four people in Tyler , Texas , that had ever really mattered to him . Three of them were family . His older brother , Ray , his beautiful wife , Darby , and their young son , Colby . Ray had been gone for over two years now leaving just his sister - in - law and nephew . The one non - family member Tray had dearly loved was Joe Delaney . Then two days ago , when he found out Joe had passed away , his entire life came to a standstill . He called his manager and told him to cancel the next five shows and to put everything else on hold . He didn 't even give the 42 - year old man who 'd brought him from rags to riches a chance to ask questions . " Just do it , Dale , " was all he 'd said before hanging up and driving straight through to Texas from his last concert in Atlanta , Georgia . Free of the constant entourage of groupies , band members , Dale , and the endless grind of touring 200 days a year , Tray felt almost free as he wound out the engine in his custom Chevy Silverado . He could afford to drive any car he wanted but rarely had the chance to drive these days and when he did , he was still a country boy at heart and he wouldn 't be caught dead in anything but a truck . This one just happened to be - as they said back home - right nice . The downside of having free time was thinking , and whenever Tray had time to think his mind drifted back to growing up in Tyler with an alcoholic father who regularly made sure to show him - and his older brother Ray - who was boss . They 'd both lived in fear of him just like their mother had until she died giving birth to Tray . Shortly after Ray turned 18 , he beat the living daylights out of their dad one night after he pushed them both around one too many times . Ray was the big brother Tray always looked up to and even idolized ; the golden boy who was everything he wanted to be but never could . Ray was one of the smartest kids in school and a star athlete . He 'd been the football team 's star running back and middle linebacker and was an all - state baseball player . Tray was a decent baseball player , but nowhere near the level of his brother when it came to sports . Ray had not only dated the prettiest cheerleader , he 'd married her the summer after graduation . Darby Bell was the most beautiful girl Tray had ever seen although he 'd never said a word about it to anyone . She was not only his brother 's wife , but like Ray , thirteen years older than him . Nearly ten years ago , she 'd a son they named Colby , and Tray , a young teenager , found himself spending as much time with them as he could . He even volunteered to babysit and change diapers for his nephew . After all , he was a Johnson and family stuck together . Well , until Tray left town , that is . Lastly , thoughts of Tyler always brought fond memories of the man who 'd been the dad his own father could never be . Joe Delaney was a barber who owned a one - chair shop by the same name . He not only did a fine job cutting hair he also did something no other man had ever done for Tray . He listened . He listened and he cared what the boy had to say . How he felt mattered to him and the older Tray got , the wiser and more important to him Joe became . When he 'd started dating , Ray provided advice , but it was Joe he leaned on for damned near everything . Joe had spent four years in the Navy as a young man , but had otherwise never been outside of Texas and only rarely much beyond Tyler . Tray drank his first beer with Joe who tried to teach him that one was enough . Had fame not been so hard to deal with , Tray might never have taken a second drink , let alone a third or all too often , a tenth . When the world closed in too tightly , Joe was the guy Tray called . Sure , he and Ray talked as often as they could , but it was mostly just chit chat . " How 's Darby ? What 's the little big - man up to these days ? How 's the football team doin ' this year ? " It was always Joe he turned to when things got bad , and no matter what he was doing at the time , Joe found time to listen then offer his own brand of caring advice without ever pushing it on Tray . Just two days ago , Tray found himself unable to breathe when Darby called him for the first time since Ray died two years ago . It had been Darby who 'd called him then to tell him his brother had been killed by a drunk driver on a cold Friday night . And she was the one who 'd called to tell him the only other man he 'd ever loved was now dead , too . As he turned his attention back to the highway , Tray was grateful for the solitude for at least one reason . There was no one in the cab of his truck to see him cry when it finally set in that Joe was gone . He was doing 80mph heading westbound on I - 26 when it hit him and he just let ' er rip . He never slowed down , but he cried until he couldn 't cry anymore . He arrived in Tyler a little after midnight , and it was just warm enough that he slept in the bed of the truck in a quiet little place he 'd gone to the first time he 'd done it with a girl . He had a pillow , a mattress pad and a sleeping bag with him and until morning , that was all he needed as he fell asleep looking up into the familiar stars surrounded by nothing but the sound of an owl and the occasional cricket . The next morning he woke up and it took him a few seconds to realize where he was . He stepped into the bushes to pee then put his sleeping bag away and drove into town . The first thing he did was drive by Joe 's barbershop . In a way , he was glad he 'd gotten all the crying out of his system because he 'd have lost it if had anything left to lose . He drove on by then pulled into a little diner called Maggie 's . He put on a pair of sunglasses and a black knit cap and went inside . He didn 't recognize anyone and so far no one had recognized him . He sat there and quietly ate a plate full of bacon and eggs , hash browns and toast , and drank a cup of coffee before leaving . Not knowing what else to do , he drove by Ray 's house and saw Darby 's car in the driveway . He had no idea what day of the week it even was and had to stop and think before it hit him that it was Sunday morning which is why her car would still be there at this this time of day . Darby had worked two jobs since Ray died , and she was as proud and independent as they came . " Just look at you ! " she said . " Still as handsome as ever ! " She peeked out the window then said , " What ? No girls ? No cameras ? " She didn 't look 25 anymore , but she still looked amazing . In fact , Tray thought she looked better now than she ever had . Her long , black hair was shorter , but it still looked amazing and time had treated her still - pretty face very well . He loved her bright blue eyes and her high cheekbones and those soft , full lips . He didn 't know how she did it , but her figure was still as sexy as it had always been . " Yes , you are an honest man , Tray , and Joe was so proud of you . And not just because you 're a country music star . He loved you because you were such a good person . I saw him just last month , by the way , and he asked me to send you his best . " Darby looked away for a moment then said , " I don 't think he knew you and I didn 't talk all that much . " " Maggie 's not doin ' well , either , " Darby said . " She 's got diabetes and Parkinson 's and I 'm afraid it 's only a matter of time . And before I forget , I 'm real sorry about Joe , Tray . I know how much he meant to you . " " No , but my guess would be Lloyd James . They 're just a couple of blocks from Joe 's house , and since he died at home , that would make sense . Would you like me to call and find out ? " she asked . " I have mine , but I can 't find his , " Colby said sadly . " No worries . Tell you what . We 'll go get a new one at Tyler Athletics and we 'll be all set . Maybe even pick up a new ball or two and possibly even a bat . " " Tray ? Don 't go spoiling my son now , you hear ? " she said with a smile . She 'd made it clear on several occasions she did not want or need his money even though it was obvious she could definitely use some financial help . " I see , so he is there ? Is he ready for viewing ? Yes ? Okay . Is now a good time ? Uh - huh . Okay . Thank you so much . " " I did , " he told her . " Would you like to go now ? With any luck , maybe we can duck in and out without anyone noticing . " " Why ? You look great , " he told her . The truth was she did look great . Even in a pair of jeans and a tee - shirt , Darby was still beautiful . At some point he wanted to talk to her and see how she was really doing . He knew she 'd tell him she was fine and maybe she was . Then again , Darby didn 't complain , and she never asked for help . Tray knew you couldn 't rush these things , but he really hoped she 'd find someone - someone like Ray - who could love her and her son the way they deserved to be loved . " Well , she 'll come around . As soon as she figures out what a great guy you are , she won 't be able to resist . You 're a Johnson , remember ? " Colby smiled then said , " Right ! " as his mom came back in . Colby stopped talking and stared for a moment . " You look really pretty , Momma , " he said . Tray felt himself choke up then looked ahead and saw that familiar face and thought of a line from George Jones 's song He Stopped Loving Her Today . The line was ' all dressed up to go away . ' Tray wasn 't sure Joe Delaney had ever worn a suit and tie in his life and yet he was wearing one in death . " Joe , I don 't know if you can hear me . Same people say so , but I know you said that was - and I quote , ' A bunch of bullshit ' but if you can - thank you for everything . And Joe ? " Tray 's voice quivered as he said , " I . . . love you . " Tray reached out and touched his old friend 's cold hand and barely able to speak said , " Goodbye . . . Dad . And again , thank you for teaching me what it means to be a man . I will never forget you . " " I will be . I just feel so bad for you , Tray . That 's all . I know how much Joe meant to you and I 'm hurting for you . You 're family , you know . " bykomrad1156 © 12 comments / 23782 views / 31 favoritesShare the loveTweetReport a BugSubmit bug reportNext5 Pages : 12312345GoLogin or Sign UpStoriesPoemsStory SeriesTags PortalChatForumAdult StoreMoviesWebcamsMobile VersionFAQSearchEnglish | Spanish | German | French | Dutch | Other languagesAll contents © Copyright 1998 - 2012 . Literotica is a trademark . No part may be reproduced in any form without explicit written permission . Terms Of Services | Report A Problem | PrivacyUsername : Password : Forgot your password ? 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ami and i have been sending each other fun ( or ridiculous . or depressing . ) quotes back and forth all day via gchat . we 're moving into our new apartment this weekend ( well , sort of . we have access to it but we haven 't decided when we 're actually going to MOVE quite yet . ) anyway , ami has decided to adorn her wall with hand - painted canvii that her friends lovingly paint . it 's pretty tom sawyer of her and i 'm a tiny bit jealous i didn 't think of the idea . she wants to paint one for herself as well and has decided to stick to words , since art isn 't exactly the business student 's forte . hence the subject of quotes . there are some pretty nonsensical depressing yet amusing quotes out there . i 'm going to paint one directly on my wall i 've decided , a la peyton sawyer from one tree hill . some of my top favs are : " a woman carries her clothes , but it 's a shoe which carries a woman . " - christian louboutin . he must be talking about fuck me shoes " i love every sound you don 't even know you make while you sleep at night " " the heart is a muscle like any other and the best exercise you cando for it is called picking yourself up off the floor . " okay . those are actually really creepy . the ones i actually like are these ones : " we are masters of the unsaid words , but slaves of those we let slip out . " " without cracks in the sidewalks and walls , this city couldn 't breath . " " if someone ever thought sunshine was perfect , they 've never danced in the rain " i 'm pretty sure i really only like the last one enough to paint it on my wall and stare at it every day without turning into an 16 year old emo teeny - bopper who shops at hot topic . but if anyone else has grand ideas , holler at me ! As random as it is , I LOVE getting calls from numbers I don 't know . I just find it super thrilling for some reason , even though it 's usually just a wrong number . I think this comes from my reckless high school days with Jess because THOSE unknown numbers ALWAYS led to ridiculous adventures . Anyway , today I got a call from some number while I was at work so I obvs googled it since I couldn 't answer ( THAT would be unprofessional ) . Well it was the Criminal Investigations Commander from West Orange . I was then a little concerned so I caved and called my voicemail ( lets face it , my job just doesn 't really require me to be THAT professional ) . DRAMZ ! Apparently , some girl off in West Orange was trying to comment on her boyfriend 's " incident " . And he thought I was the girlfriend . I wish it said what the incident was but Officer DID mention that Girl was " getting out of control " and " unnecessary " . And it " wasn 't the crime of the century " so she should simmer . He didn 't actually say simmer , but the rest are all direct quotes . He sounded VERY peeved and annoyed . During lunch I called back to let them know they had the wrong number and the lady insisted I was indeed the girlfriend and that I was trying to back out of commenting . I was standing on the street , practically screaming to this woman that I did NOT have a boyfriend with a criminal background . I 'm not THAT badass , LADY . I can only imagine what people standing by me were thinking as I 'm trying to explain myself . HAH . Whatevs . Also , speaking of badass , I 'm officially a four - eyes . Picking up my new frames in a week . Womps . My father insists I got completely ripped off for buying expensive frames when the doctor said I 'd really just need them for " ya know , driving , going to the movies . . " Two things I do ALL the time in the city . SO I guess this means if you ever want to see me in glasses , take me to the movies ! ( I want to see Paper Hearts ) I am sitting at work OVERHEATING right now . It is either because a ) I 'm an idiot and can 't dress myself properly ever and wore a sweater AND jeans today , b ) I ran - walked the last 4 blocks so I would get here at 9 : 13 like usual , c ) I 'm drinking a hot bev . All I know is this isn 't a good way to start my day . But it 's okay . Sometimes , really ALL the time , I wish I had Matilda - like powers . If I did , I would magically turn the air on in this room to cure these hotflashes . I 've been overwhelmed recently with the thought of August starting this week . Morgan reminded me last night that July was a pretty family - filled month for me . All of the fun days I missed with her were spent with the fam - which is fine by me , my family is cute . Friday is the brother 's ( Ross ) birthday . So , I need to figure out what to get him even though I 'm STILL waiting for an invite to his birthday celebrations . I 'm concerned they got lost in the mail . Hm , I remember back in the day when my brother and my cousin were my biffles . I still can 't decide if I was incapable of making friends as a pre - kindergartener ( I still had my eye " situation " back then so THAT could have been why ) , or if they actually enjoyed my company . We were super imaginative children / mini - business people and would open restaurants out of my basement using my Fisher - Price kitchen . When my little German cousin would come to visit we would make him eat the most disgusting assortment of food - like rice krispie treat sandwiches with a delicious ketchup spread . VOM . Our restaurant was called " The Den " . And we also had our own band and we 'd perform during family parties . We really meant business and would have people queue at the door early . My brother had a real keyboard , cousin had a guitar and I had a makeshift drumset constructed out of our elephant shaped toy - box . CLEARLY , I looked like an idiot . It is probably why my family thinks I 'm the strange one . all this wedding talk has got us thinking ( ps that video , at last check , has been viewed over 7 million times . . . talk about the power of viral media ! ) ami made her marriage timeline and i just made mine . it 's a very tricky endeavor . first i had to decide who even made the list . i have a lot of fringe friends . those that made the list , kudos . i hope i didn 't forget someone crucial ( i like how i 'm writing this as if i 'm going to post my list . i 'm not . sorry ! ) but i kept it to just 20 people . the timeline puts all my friends in relation to each other , so it 's not so much about what year or how old people are when they get married . making it was super depressing as i fated 2 of my friends to marry early but divorce ( isn 't that cruel ? ) but i just see it happening that way . the timeline then led to the theorizing of which of these friends i would still be in touch with when wedding day rolls around . it 's always bizarre to think about how some friendships fade away . looking at my parents and other adults and listening them speak about their college roommate or their best friend in high school saddens me . i can 't imagine only catching up with these people through an annual christmas card exchange or an email here or there . my life is my friends . how could they just fall out of my life ? it makes the present seem pretty insignificant . i guess i just have to remain steadfast and adamant about staying in touch and making sure those people are always in my life . i think i 'll be pretty good at that , i mean , i can always just plan super - cheesy fun days like field day ' 09 ! hey , i at least need to know if my marriage timeline was accurate . . . So yesterday I stumbled upon this FABULOUS wedding video that I 'm sure you have all seen by now because it just BLEW up ! ( Isn 't he just the cutest little groom ever ) I just can 't get over what good friends these people have and how you can CLEARLY tell they are having the time of their life . I bet the couple had a quaint love story too . I 'm thinkin ' best friends for a long time , took their relationship a while to get off the ground and then BAM - they had this fantastic choreographed - danced filled whirlwind of a romance and then got engaged at 27 , married at 28 . Yup . Anyway , they only practiced for an hour and a half yet it 's just perfection in every step . One of the highlights is when the Groom rolls out Willy - Wonka style like a very true badass . So dorky and so perfect . There is also an old man with a solid - jolly laugh at the beginning that warms my heart . Everyone was so surprised and LOVING it . HAHA ( just watched it again ) . . Chris Brown in CHURCH ? ! Who would 've guessed it . This is hands - down the best press he 's gotten all year . You are lucky people can be quaint to your music , C . Brown . ( Anyone notice that could ALSO be Charlie Brown ? Strange . ) I am now requiring that Future Husband be VERY willing to have as fun of a wedding . Gah it makes me super excited to get married . . though I AM quite a few steps away from being close to that . I hope my friends all know that they WILL be making fools out of themselves for my amusement . I also timelined my predictions for when I think my friends will wed . It 's a really crazy , crazy thought but I 'm super excited so those at the beginning of the list better get to it ! Go watch the video ! http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = 4 - 94JhLEiN0 & feature = topvideos so i subscribe to a news feed for the qsr ( quick service restaurants ) website for work , meaning i 'm totes in the know about all things fast - food that we don 't get here in nyc . dunkin donuts has just decided to launch a chicken parmesan flatbread sandwich . say whaaaa ? a donut place is selling chicken ? that makes me very uncomfortable . talk about confused branding . i can only imagine the horrors of how / where / why they have chicken in back room next to the donuts and bagels . as a new englander , i 'm supposed to love dunkin ' donuts . and when i 'm home , i do . but here in nyc dunkin ' donuts drops the ball hard core . now , i need my iced skim latte every morning before i can function and starbucks usually gets my business for two reasons : 1 . they accept credit cards 2 . they 're fast . now i know fast equals crappily brewed espresso , but i rarely have time to watch my shot of espresso pulled by an expert when i 'm literally hauling ass to either class or work . if an extra three minutes in bed means not stellar lattes , i 'm okay with that . my caffeine addiction , however adds up really fast and my bank statement is rather embarrassing as it 's littered with $ 4 . 06 charges everyday from starbies . whatever , that 's where i choose to spend my money and i don 't eat breakfast so i 've made peace with it . back home , townies are die - hard dunks fans . gotta get up , drive downtown and get your medium iced vanilla with one sugar ( or whatever your fancy is ) before your day can properly begin . i can 't tell you how many hangovers have been fixed by this practice at 7 am . starbies is looked down upon , it 's pure snobbery . this doesn 't translate to nyc . at all . dunkin donuts here are ghetto . and , more importantly MORE EXPENSIVE . wtf . how is that even possible . last summer , i thought , all right , $ 4 . 06 is just too much to be spending everyday , i 'll be a little more economical and go to dunks ( to all of you who think the solution is brewing my own coffee , sure . i went through that phase . but honestly , i prefer lattes and sure , i could brew my own espressoPosted by i got sent ( along with my swankyy rainboots ) a martha stewart cupcake cookbook on monday and have been plotting with the roommates all week which batch we would start with . they 're fabulous and wonderful . each and every one of them . well at least the pictures make them look that way so we had a tough time deciding which recipe to test out first . we ( and by we , i really mean dan and ami battled until a compromise was reached ) to try the chocolate chip cupcakes with chocolate and vanilla frosting ( someone didn 't want chocolate while the other did . you guess who . ) it seemed much more intimidating than it actually was considering it involved egg whites whipped to stiff peaks , folding , and flour coated chocolate chips . our oven bakes especially hot too , so i was deeply concerned we were headed into a recipe for disaster . bah . facing our fears head - on , my assistant ami donned her child 's sized dinosaur 's apron and a - mixing we went . it got awfully hot in the kitchen , but the 30 cupcakes turned out barely burnt ( well , a couple were , but come on , we had 30 aka room to spare ) of course martha called for homemade chocolate frosting that i have to say did look divine , but that also meant 4 1 / 2 extra sticks of butter . with dairy prices the way they are these days ? no thank you . duncan hines to the rescue ( fun fact : i was reading in my gourmet mag that the largest duncan hines memorabilia exhibit is in bowling green , kentucky . one more reason to road trip and conveniently stop at sonic . ) all in all , the cupcakes were really more muffin like than cake like , but due to our tiny nyc - style apartment ( a crowded oven ) , our limited budget ( all - purpose flour instead of cake flour ) , and our lack of proper baking supplies ( no sieve to sift the flour , plastic bowls used to whip the egg whites , a pancake flipper used to fold ) , it could be completely our fault and not the recipe 's at all . i 'll give you another shot martha . perhaps we 'll try the raspberry cheesecake " cupcakes " next ? true confessions : i ate one of the " muffins " for breakfast tPosted by Luckily the rain DID go away ! Lets all hope the sun decides to hang out more often and the nimbi leave us alone . So last night was Trivia Night , and we unfortunately did not rock as well as last time . Maybe Papa B needs to come back and play with us . But all day yesterday , I kept sharing the tidbit that fruit flies were the first creatures in space - thanks to us Americans . So when the question came up asking what the first creatures in space in 1958 were , I was awfully proud of myself for pulling my weight and offering an answer . And then they read the answers . And the " correct " answer was mice . Devastating . So I have been researching and fruit flies , were indeed sent to space in 1947 . But I guess the whole year thing makes my answer null and void . Womps . Tis okay . I 'll get em ' next time . Oh , there is a baby doll lodged into the crossing light on 1st and 16th . I 'm going to track how long it lasts there , just for funsies . I wonder what nutzo decided to put it there . Maybe they were under the spell of the solar eclipse ! And if you 're reading this and in one of the countries that can see it , I am way jealous . And yes , unridiculous is actually internationally known , and locally respected . i 'm pretty sure i jinxed the city by bragging about our good weather over the weekend because it is an absolute downpour today . whoops . good thing i got my brand new rainboots in the mail yesterday in BRIGHT yellow ! perfect for puddle splashing , which happens to be one of my favorite activities . the rain sure makes it easier to be in an office all day when the weather is crappy . yesterday was so nice that i walked home from work but i don 't think that will be happening tonight . especially because tonight if FILLED WITH FUN . that 's right . it 's tuesday night triviaaaa ! this week 's theme is two fold according the trivia guru : space flight and robert de niro . neither of which do i know anything about so tell me all you know ! it 's been a couple weeks since our last showing , so team unridiculous has to represent . we 're going to have to bring our A game since my dad isn 't here , but hopefully we 'll fare well . i 've already obviously purused imdb for fun de niro facts and ami has been looking up some space facts but i should probably refresh my current events / random knowledge because that for sure comes into play . clearly , life has been a little hectic since our last post . . and by ours i really mean ami 's . i can 't believe we deprived the readers for 4 days . i 'm sure you were all outside enjoying the fantabulous weather this weekend . for all the rain we 've been getting ( damn you , nebuli for interrupting the ny philharmonic in central park friday night . damn you . ) we 've also been getting some pretty glorious days that aren 't too hot or humid , full of sun and always bring a light breeze of fresh city air . i made the mistake this weekend , just like i always do , of not catching up on my sleep enough . it 's one of my biggest pet peeves ; going into the week tired , and i always kick myself for doing so . saturday ( field day ' 09 ! woooo ! ) was a complete success and i 'm sure ami will go into her pedophiliac ways in her post so i won 't steal her thunder . but it 's hard to drink from 3 pm to 3 am and then suck at napping on sunday . mostly i couldn 't sleep because i was deeply concerned i may have permanently damaged my ears saturday night . we went to a wicked fun place , called pianos ( go , all of you ! ) that sent me right back to europe . the dj ( replay ceviche ) came on at 2 am and the music was perfect . when they played mgmt the guy next to my left literally held up an invisible mic for me to sing the de de de dede de deeee de part of " kids . " hipsters make me laugh so much . pretty much every song got the entire crowd going and , apparently , it was deafeningly loud . i didn 't realize that was the case until we left and i couldn 't hear . anything . you know the phrase deafeningnly quiet ? well , i 'm pretty sure this was the case . running to our cab , none of us could hear a word the others were saying soo i 'm pretty sure we were screaming . we got home , continued to scream waking up the girl sleeping on the couch i 'm sure ( sorry ! ) and passed out . i thought all would be well in the morning , but unfortunately , that was not the case . i still hear a little ringing in my right ear and that 's about it . a tad disconcerting , yes , but as dr . ami tells me , it wPosted by This weekend felt like it lasted for YEARS because of the amount of stuff we managed to do . Friday was the NY Philharmonic in Central Park . Minus the whole it got rained out early part , it was really fun . The grass on the Great Lawn is SUPER bouncy and perfect for napping . I learned that New Yorkers don 't mess around when it comes to the Philharmonic . People came beyond prepared for the night with HUGE platters of food , candles and lots of champagne corks were literally flying , a few times causing BATTLES and dramz . We got in a good nights rest in preparation for Field Day ' 09 . We woke up and took a nice leisurely lunch and then RUSHED to get everything ready in time . Fun fact : 12 packs of Natural Light ( YUM ! ) is only $ 7 . 99 at Associated . Morgan and I carried back 5 boxes as a little warm up . It made me realize my arms are awfully weak seeing as though I nearly passed out from exhaustion and I was carrying less than Morgan . But fear not , we took a potassium break and ate bananas to regain our strength . The games were loads of fun , as expected . We started off with a chugging competition and WOW did we all suck at that . It 's VERY clear we don 't go to a state school . Don 't even worry though because we were all GREAT at figuring out the science behind stacking the empty cans . After some more drinking games , we finally got outside . We had a WONDERFUL game planned where everyone got 3 balloons tied to their legs and then we 'd all run around stomping each other 's balloons and the last man standing would take home the GLASS , hand - painted trophy . So we were preparing for the game and I had the balloons tied to me all ready to go and I quickly ran back to my apartment as everyone else got ready . As I was coming back out , a few hm 12 - 17 year old boys called me over . They either thought I was their age , realized how HOT I was or maybe it was a mix of both . Well for whatever reason I went and invited them to come play . And I 'm standing there and I realized how pedophile I just came off as inviting them to play - so I screamed F * CKPosted by Fun Fact : I understood EVERY word in Morgan 's last post . Just because I don 't read all the Harry Potter books doesn 't mean I don 't know that Legilimens are like mind readers , feeling - stealers , if you will . That would be common knowledge . We are currently in the middle of planning Field Day 2009 ! It 's going to be a GRAND event that will totes rival the Summer Olympics . I 'm pretty sure I will be the Michael Phelps of the group . If you are missing it , you are a fool . If you weren 't invited , I apologize . Morgan and I are awfully toolish - in the cutest slash funnest way possible - and have planned highly competitive and athletic events with a good mix of drinking . And there is a very impressive prize for the winner that will take us many laborious hours to make . But it 'll be worth it . Stuytown won 't know what hit it . Last night we were discussing the most influential people of all time and in that moment , I realized my history knowledge is really sub - par . I was reading Time 's 100 list for 2008 just now and WTF . Miley Cyrus made that ! ? I do think I remember hearing that but honestly , that 's unridiculous . I also stumbled upon 100 + portraits of Iconic People of All Time . ( http : / / www . webdesignerdepot . com / 2009 / 06 / 100 - portraits - of - iconic - people - of - all - time / ) It 's a great way to kill the last hour I have left at work and it 'll make you wise by the end . I also just decided I need a portrait painted of me . You know , jic . I can really see this blog blowing up and getting added to the most influential list one day . Right above Miley Cyrus . AND LUCKILY , I have canvi and paint waiting for me at home . Morgan just yelled at me for not posting this yet , so I will allow her to read now and HOPEFULLY she gets the hint that she should paint a portrait of me . And in case she didn 't get that until now , she is lucky I just painted it out for her . Fun Fact : Fresh apples float because 25 percent of their volume is air . On a completely separate note , i am literally passing out at my desk right now due to some poor choices i 've made . i was exhausted when i got home from work yesterday , most likely because i knew i had a ridiculously long night ahead of me and the mere thought of it made me want to nap . and i tried to nap , i really did . i 'm just not that good at napping plus dan kept making me talk about harry potter . which is fine , because that 's obviously why i barely slept last night . for those of you that live under a rock , harry potter and the half - blood prince opened last night at midnight and shattered all records with over 20 million dollars in midnight ticket sales . wowzahhhhs . i was also on tv so it was pretty much a phenom night . we were waiting to get into the regal union square for our 12 : 40 tickets ( yes , we dropped the ball and waited until after the 12 : 01 and 12 : 20 shows were sold out to buy our tickets a week ago . and by us i mean jason . and he didn 't drop the ball , becasue without him i wouldn 't have even got there ) when my beautiful face was on camera with my other friends who were dressed up . no , i did not dress up . and nor did jason because he couldn 't afford a cape . we 're in a recession here people ! anywho , we got into the theater around 11 and had to wait until 12 : 45 before they even started showing previews . going into a 2 1 / 2 hour flick at 12 : 45 on a tuesday night is not exactly the best circumstance to be in . the movie was good . it was jam - pack filled with awkward sexual tension and jokes that i can 't decide if they were made on purpose or what . also it should NOT be a PG movie . that shit was scary ! not very well done , and the acting was kind of terrible . and the set even looked really fake . ( thanks , dan , for completely ruining my ability to enjoy the movie for its entertaining aspects . you win . ) and yes , if you hadn 't read the books , you would have been confused to the max . ( hah i just used both my roomates ' names in the same blog post . Posted by for some reason , ami abandoned ME this afternoon on gchat without so much as a farewell . she must have done it to punish me for leaving her this morning , but i was out on doing a catering pitch , just like a real grown - up . currently i 'm going through itunes to find more music to add to our playlist for instore music which happens to be the perfect job to which i can multitask . and write about my significantley less sketchy subway experence . twice in the past week , i 've gotten into the subway ( on the 6 , j . lo style ) for my morning commute and seen the same cute guy . 6 ' 2 " ish , blonde hair , crisp button - down shirt with khakis . classic midtown commuter . he 's in my car and gets off at 51st st just like me . normally i probs wouldn 't have any faith in believing myself that it was the same person , but i know it 's him because he has had the same book in his hands . so while i look all scholarly and wise reading anna karenina ( i swear , i am actually reading that as my " subway " book . interesting choice , i know , but whatevss ) anyway , subway guy reads skinny dip by carl hiassan , which i just happened to have read myself ( thank you , mrs . white for our senior year satire section in AP english ) and really enjoyed . i digress . now , if i subscribe to ami 's theory of certain people are in your life for a reason ( um SKETCHY is so sketchy ! and will never leave her life . i love when i run into him around campus and know all these sketchy things about him and he has no idea who i am . classic . ) then perhaps subway boy is meant to be in my life . or human beings are a creature of habit and that explains why we get in the same car every morning at the same time to get to our jobs perfectly 7 minutes late every time . since i 'm the cynic and ami 's the optimist , i 'm going to go with the latter theory . Just a quick update . During my commute to work today , I was standing in that mosh pit that forms at the bottom of the stairs on the L platform at Union Square . Out of NOWHERE - I see a hand come DANGEROUSLY close to my face and I obviously flinch because WTF . It was Sketchy . askdjkl . ( Sketchy is a SECRET name for this creepshow from freshman year ) Just when you think you 're safe . Arg . He was trying to pinch my cheeks . SORRY BUDDY . I 'm not an INFANT . I am now sitting here annoyed at the possibility of having to run into him again . It just concerns me because this city is CLEARLY too small . And now Morgan is not on gchat so I have nothing to do but actually get started on my assignments for the day . After I update this , of course . The other day I was talking about how certain people are just fated to be in your life . It 's a fun slash quaint thought sometimes to think that you were just meant to cross paths with people . ( Note : I do NOT believe Sketchy is a fate - friend ) But I can think of a few people that even if I hadn 't met them the way I did , I probs would have met them somehow anyway . Did you all miss me ? I know that 's not even a real question . OBVIOUSLY you missed me . Luckily Morgan held down the fort and posted often to make up for my absence over the past few days . It 's been a whirlwind of a week but I am back in the tri - state area and now have internet access once again , hooray ! I act like I went to some foreign land but CLEARLY it was civilized since it had a Sonic . And Sonic was delicious , Morgan , honestly , it was nothing bundt delicious . I also accidentally left the empty bundt container on a desk in the hotel and the fudge STAINED the wood . Arg that Sonic ! Also , I had delicious milkshakes at Cheeburger - Cheeburger at JFK on my way out of the city . I highly recommend you grab some the next time you fly out ! Hm , we got home last night and my room was TOTALLY changed . Complete with a larger bed - . I like to think it 's because my parents think I 'm growing . And my dad also framed some weird photo of a bird above my bed . My room in general just has the strangest assortment of stuff all over so the framed bird wasn 't that surprising . My dad has also framed a half - finished marker felt art / butterfly masterpiece for my wall . Oh and my dad ALSO framed a heinous " dog " I once painted in high school and put it in the living room . Trust me , those quotes are necessary . I accidentally made the whiskers way long and it started to look like a cat . The damage was irreversible and the face of the dog is now busted . And the tongue sticks out in a way that makes the dog look mentally - not all there . I 've never met anyone who has looked at the painting and not literally laughed out loud . Even when I DON ' T try , I provide laughs to all . ami literally just texted me that exact sentence . bahaha she 's updating me with her sonic endeavours . she is enjoying chicken , a sonic blast and a chocolate bundt cake . girl can eat . . . i 've trained her well . for those of you that don 't know , it 's pretty much my life goal to get to a sonic due to their incessant advertising in the northeast even though they have NO locations . trust me , i looked . up until recently , the closest sonic was wayyyy out in western pennsylvania . why , why , why ? would they do that ? what a waste of money and time , not to mention inciting anger among the masses who cannot experience the wonders ( or lack there of . . . who knows ? i don 't ! ) of a sonic blast . i could probably spew for hours on this topic . i even did a mini - presentation on sonic and their ineffective advertising last year in my marketing class in paris . fat - ass american , party of one , right here among the cultured europeans who presented on audi , christian louboutin and hermes ! let me tell you , that presentation pretty much fell on deaf ears . regardless , it still peeves me to no end that i have to suffer through the endless albeit rather entertaining sonic commercials and not ever be able to eat there . one just popped up in jersey not tooooo far from us , but of course , i have to wheedle an invite out of ami to go home with her which will probs never happen . she won 't take me or jason home with her . ever . we 've invited ourselves many a time , to no avail . i may just have to resort to renting a zip car ( let 's be honest , who wouldn 't look for any excuse to bust out a zip car ? ) and chart my own way there . anybody down for a road trip ? the main goal of this summer has been to experience as much of nyc as possible while spending the least amount of money . considering pretty much every night is like a weekend night ( work be damned ) we definitely cannot continue with our normal spending habits . . . to that end , ami and i have been rockin ' it at seeing and doing everything that 's been on our to do list for three years but " never had time to do " ( lies . all lies . . . we had the time , we were just lazy - asses ) whatevskis , better now than never right ? ? so last night we went to the debut of the hudson river flicks on pier 54 to watch iron man with hundreds of our closest friends . sitting there waiting for our other friends put me in the angsty - ist mood ever . . . i was getting SUPER territorial of our blanket space ! these new yahhkahhs don 't mess when it comes to squeezing into infinitesimally small spaces . maybe it comes from years of experience of living in shoebox sized apartments , i dunno , but it was stressin ' me out . oh man just think about it , i 'm getting flustered . clearly i have to let it go . anyway the concept as a whole is pretty phenom and i 'll def go back , just take more blankets with me ( or less people . or a better ratio . i don 't know but it will work . ) the pier was absolutely GORGEOUS at sunset and the weather was perfect . next week 's movie is vicky cristina barcelona which could get seriously awkward if there are kids present but oh well . i find that movie very entertaining but one of the most depressing movies ever . ( no one else seems to agree with the latter part of that sentence so don 't even worry if you think i 'm crazy . i probably am . ) we 're going for round two tonight , but this time instead of a movie , we 're going to a concert ! wooooo . flosstradamus and matt & kim . i 've never heard of them but obs spent the whole day at work listening to their tunes and i think it 's gonna be pretty much a hoppin ' time . i mean it 's free so how could it not be fun ? considering flosstradamus ' website says , " 2 DJs , 4 turntables , and lots of people getting buck on tPosted by So as I mentioned in my last post , I made a VLOG while I was rowing . ( Yes , I was recording AND rowing all at once . ) That was a false statement . But sometimes , I think of strange questions and I demand Morgan answer . This question was sparked after we watched a bunch of boats row off into corners of the lake so they could make - out . Grossy . So viewer / reader , A or B ? yesterday at work , the afternoon was dragging on at an unbelievably slow pace , so Ami and I decided to write a story . we each wrote one sentence at a time . can you guess who wrote what ? what follows below is the beginning of what i can only hope is our first novel . . . There once was a seven foot man who was covered in freckles . But he was stuck living in a village full of average , 5 ' 2 people . And they constantly pointed and laughed at him for not being average , but the man , whose name is maurice tt rodriguez , just thought that they were below average . One day while Maurice was eating lunch in a little cafe , he spotted a young woman and he immediately fell in love . She was only passing by and since he was in the middle of a delicious bite of a black truffle burger , he was seriously concerned about yelling out to her with his mouthful . Being a gentleman , he didn 't want to disgust the quaint little woman , so he decided to finish his delicious bite of burger . Tragically , as he stood up , his knees caught on the table ( due to them being extra long and the tables being sized to fit the average sized town ) causing the entire table , and surrounding tables to flip over with a domino - like suddenness ! He stood in embarrassment as the mess unfolded in front of him but his mind was still set on finding the young girl ! Meanwhile , a plain jane waitress dashed over to help in anyway that she could , dabbing at the tablecloth to remove the red wine stains and soothing the maurice 's bruised ego . As he looked around the crowds of people and overturned tables , he realized his girl was nowhere in sight ! He threw a crisp one - hundred dollar bill on the table to cover the cost of his meal and damage and strode through the hedges n the direction he thought his mystery woman had traveled , nearly knocking the plants over in the process . His long legs carried him quickly through the village but mystery woman seemed to have disappeared ! Discouraged , Maurice hung his head in disappointment and slowly meandered through the winding cobblestone streetPosted by i don 't like how ami and i essentially spent our weekends apart . normally that 's not the case at all and it never ceases to amaze us that we don 't kill each other considering we spend all day together g - chatting instead of working , all night together in our quaint little bedroom and then all weekend together having adventures in the city ( just like on the completely real reality show , the city . ) i never get a break from the little one , but this weekend was different . as she failed to mention , she ABANDONED us for her family and refuses to take us ( meaning me and jason ) home with her to join in barbequeing and family fun . it 's okay though because i got to partake in family fun friday night too , out in the ' burbs at the eighth nicest golf course in the world , i 'm told . jealous ? i thought so . nothing 's better than a wasp filled night of american pride , mr . softee trucks , phenomenal fireworks over the 11th hole ? and gin and tonics . love it . saturday was a debacle filled with rooftops , day - time drinking and plaid - wearing hipsters . equally fabulous . not to mention the GALLON of ice cream jason decided was a more economically sound purchase than a more appropriately sized pint . it was weird this year spending my first fourth of july away from my parents . i guess i really am growing up . there was a lot of pressure to find something fabulous to do , but honestly i could have been happy anywhere with the gorgeous weather , although a rooftop in brooklyn was quite wonderful as well . it certainly sets the bar high for next year 's fourth . ( ahhh we 'll be college graduates then . kms ! ) maybe if ami 's there it will be phenom . . . . correction : i 've since been informed it 's the eighth nicest course in america . my apologies . I should begin by wishing you all a happy belated Fourth of July . Being in the city for the holiday was actually really strange . It felt very deserted , especially since I was downtown . I did , however , have SUPER good views of the fireworks . I highly recommend you all find an employer that has a penthouse on the Hudson . Then get that employer to leave you access to her apartment when she leaves . It 's wise . Do not , however , break objects on her desk like I did . I pushed a little glass coaster off her desk by accident because I wanted to sit and it shattered . Oops ! She just asked me about it and I lied , and then she asked the cat if he 's seen it . WTF . This weekend felt SUPER long since I did so much . And it actually WAS a long weekend , so that may have been it too . I got to see a lot of the fam which is always fun . I took my grandma to the movies because we 're adorbs . She 's so badass staying out till 11 pm to hang out with me . She ALSO agreed to pop bottles of champagne with me on my birthday ( which is SO soon ) . My brother and I also decided we were like Friends ( like the show , not like amigos ) . We would obvs be Monica and Ross and I decided Morgan and Jason combined would be Phoebe . I need a Rachel figure so if you think you fit that role , you just let me know ! My brother just needs to find a Chandelor so hopefully he gets on that . I spent the day in Central Park yesterday learning to cartwheel . It 's on my list of things to do before I die so I need to learn eventually . I 'm pretty sure we provided lots of entertainment / laughs for all the other people in the park . We also rented row boats and rowed across the treacherous waters . Kevin really rowed for most of it but I like to lie to myself and pretend like I did . It 's a great date spot , by the way , and it 's cheap ! AND if you row close enough to the fancy gondola men , you can pretend like they 're singing to you . There are also lots of trees and hidden corners that people were sneakily trying to make - out in . And we obvs creeped up on them which sparked an interesting quePosted by You know when you see someone you know and you awkwardly dodge your eyes around the room to avoid having to make any form of eye contact ? I do that a lot . So if I 've ever seen you in a room and fumbled with my phone or stared at a wall instead of just saying hello , I apologize . Last night I was sitting on a bus when I saw a kid walking down the aisle . He just pointed at me , " I 've noticed you around , you go to NYU , " and I was so caught off guard all I could say was " Oh woah , ye - . " before he passed me to take a seat behind me . And then I awkwardly thought to myself for a good , solid 25 minutes if I should turn to speak to him through the cracks of the seat . And after all that thinking , I decided that WOULD be weird because he was already sleeping . How did I know he was sleeping ? I could see his reflection on the window I was leaning against . Don 't worry , I know how creepy that makes me sound . No biggie . But I realized how nice it is when someone remembers you or just recognizes you and makes a point to let you know . What 's really the worst that could happen in just saying hi to someone you recognize ? They 'll either not respond , respond as awkwardly as I did on the bus OR actually acknowledge that they recognize you too . So Mystery Bus Boy , and all the other people I 've awkwardly ignored , be prepared because I WILL say hi . I hope you all prepare talking points . just so we don 't go crazy with all the wildness that surrounds our Apprentivor Race ( awkward ? i can 't decide ) i thought i would make a life changing announcement . i will receive my brand new iphone tomorrow morning at 10 : 30 a . m . via fedex ! ! ! ! this defines a momentous occasion as it is my debut into the technologically savvy phone world . my brother and dad are all about the latest and greatest technology what - have - you and while i typically eventually come around and get whatever is new after they 've beta - tested 10 different versions of it . so now it 's my turn to get an iphone . a black 16gb 3gs iphone . i have essentially no idea how to use one , other than the fact i 've played with , and gotten very frustrated with my dad 's , brother 's and various friends ' . this also marks the retirement of my dear old razor ( or as shalin accurately calls it the " razr . " ) it 's bizarre how attached people get to their phones , and through some odd twist of fate comprised of complete abuse and many a devastating falls , my razor that i got before freshman year of college has now lasted me three years and is still going strong . well , relatively . i mean , the 9 button works every 5th time , the center button is falling off and every 20th or so text , the phone freezes but hey , nobigdeal . everyone else i 've ever talked to had absolute disasters with their razors and it seemed for them to be very much a transitory phone . but for me , the razor has gotten me through some crazy times . i 'm not really sure how i 'll be able to deal with a phone i actually have to take care of while figuring out how to use it . but the prospect of all those cool apps that the commercials completely sucker me into thrills me . how cool is the allstate accident report form ? OR the one that takes a pulse ? clearly i need both as i drive cars all the time in the city AND i 'm in med school . but seriously , any suggestions ? ? I see your challenge and will offer you your next one . First though , let me pimp out my business and offer all of our readers , hand - made , custom fit bracelets . Each uniquely designed , with you in mind . Perfect gifts for the family . It 's almost Christmas - in - July so grab these stocking stuffers while you can ! Leave a comment if you 're interested ! So Morgan , grab your buckets , pots , and drum sticks because you are going to be Washington Square Park 's newest street band drummer . You , by yourself ( don 't try to recruit talented friends ) will attract large crowds , rocking your way to fame . I was going to make you become a one - man - band but we lack a harmonica . Womps . Being the true Sternie that I am , we will COMPETE to see who can get more money , you on tips from performing or my designer bracelets . It 's pretty much Apprentice . And since Apprentice donates to charity , we too will donate our earnings to our drinky - drinks fund . Will you deny this challenge ? well played , ami . well played . intimidating ? yes . challenging ? yes . possible ? oh definitely . and bonus , it 's a skill i would LOVE to have . so i better get cracking on learning the game of pool . before a re - debut my prowess at said ACE bar , ( last time i " played " doesn 't even count , so we 'll pretend it never happened ) i 'm thinking i better get some practice time in at a little less intimidating of an arena . if only we had a pool table in our apartment . . . i guess i will have to run with the commoners at fat cat billiards and let 's be honest , i have always wanted to go there . now i just need a teacher . any volunteers ? now for you , my dear ami , i have a couple ideas rolling around in my head . the first one that sprung to mind would be hilarious , but you might hate me , so obviously i 'm going to make you do it . just not yet . your inaugural challenge ( which was entirely conceived by my friend kelsey ! ) but is so amusing i decided to adopt as my own , is to craft 8 hemp bracelets . lame , you say ? nay . this challenge involves a second part : you must also sell said bracelets in washington square park . i 'm chuckling at the mere thought of it . do you accept ? Morgan and I have signed ourselves up for a once - in - a - lifetime opportunity . It 's a game of challenges and for one month , we will be pushed beyond anything we thought we were capable of . There will be trials and tribulations , but we will persevere . We will try to post back often with updates on our progress , but neither of us know what we 're really in for . The name of the game is un - named because I made it up . ( But everything you just read IS true - just exageratted a little because I like suspense ! ) Last night , we came up with the idea to make a list of challenges that we know the other person wouldn 't normally do . Neither of us are good losers so the dare is an extra incentive to show how good we are at life . We 'll each have individual challenges and then some we complete together ( we don 't want to be TOO independent - we would miss eachother , I 'm sure ) . Since we now have a huge fan base , we 'll vlog ( video blog ) and post pictures of our updates so you 'll all be in the loop . Some challenges MAY even involve you ! We already have some planned with our roomie - Dan ( shoutout ! ) So Morgan , my first challenge for you is to . . ( insert drumroll ) . . win a game of pool by yourself at Ace Bar . Do you accept this challenge ? ( If you have to play doubles , you have to make at least half the shots ) Every morning I SECRETLY wait for Boss to text me telling me to not come in and just work from home . ( It happens A LOT ) So this morning when she texted me to come in at 11 , I OBVS went back to bed . At 9 : 00 AM she CALLS . Yes , CALLS . So I had to shake away my " just woke up voice " and she tells me the cat ATE through her internet cords . WHAT A BEAST . I then had to pretend like I was ready and I rushed to get here in time . I had to make a pitstop to go buy new wires to fix the problems the cat caused . But I obvs saved the day . Because I 'm super . Now the cat is sulking in the corner " with a stomach ache " , says Boss . Bahaha . maybe the theme of this blog should be " parents say the darnedest things " because my parents continue to shine in that field . last night was trivia and since my dad was in town for another 36 hour business trip ( ergo i get to eat good food for free . yay ! ) i persuaded him ( read : peer pressured in front of his colleagues ) to join my friends and me at trivia . i got a little nervous as dinner ended at 8 : 30 and trivia didn 't start until around 9 that dad might peace out before the game began but he did not let me down and even brought said colleague with him . i 'm pretty sure the clincher was that trivia goes down at a red sox bar , this week during that red sox game we aren 't going to discuss . anyway , during the current events round , dad shone in two fields . in the last few years he has been rocking his pop culture . i 'm pretty sure he subscribes to perez hilton 's rss newsfeed on his iphone because he is all over that shit . before the trivia guru ( john quinn ) even finished reading " This talk show co - host is currently being sued over accusations that she plagiarized another author 's work in her best - selling diet book , " dad announces , " elizabeth hasselback . " done and done . one point for team unridiculous ( yes , that is what we named our team . . . we 've gotta get this blog out there ! ) two questions later : " Recently released secret files from the National Archives revealed that in WWII , Britain seriously considered dropping millions of these on German troops as the war neared the end . " dad taps me on the shoulder with that grin on his face that just reads , " i really shouldn 't be saying this to my daughter , but i 'm going to do it anyway and gain cool points at the same time " and asks if i want to hear his guess . obvi . com i want to hear his guess . any thoughts to what dear ole ' dad came up with ? ( my guess was kamikazes . . . i guess millions of those would have been a tad over the top . ) CONDOMS . i mean , why not right ? down on the paper it went . shockingly , condoms was not in fact the correct answer . what trivia guru was looking for wasPosted by
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The feverish music had just stopped , and people fainted or ran away , except for a handful that was now challenged by the musician . The fishmen were about to brawl , and the probably horny woman looked like she was intending to as well . Then Crozier 's Den - Den - Mushi rang . It was Hubble . " Good . Take him to the Jenny " , Crozier interrupted , " immidiately . Don 't get close to the turmoil . Don 't bring the Jenny here . Try to get to another shipyard or wherever necessary , but keep her on distance to this place . " " I 'll stay here . It 's no place for you - not before you eat a Devil Fruit or can cleave a mountain into two - but it is undeniably interesting . One question , Hubble - do you know a pirate crew of which the captain can transform into some . . . lightning bird ? A Zoan ? " " I . . . yes . They are no good , Mr . Crozier . The Pandemonium Pirates . Lead by Pandemonium Ukkonen - that 's the bird - guy . Dangerous people . " " Oh , yes . The Blue Flash . . . what 's his name . . . whatever , he has a bounty over 100 Million . There 's a third guy above 100 , Oz , the Golden Flash . Crazy fuckers , some say religious fanatics . " They hung up . Crozier packed out his rifle , loaded , and aimed at the crowd . He pinned the aim on the host of the tourmament - probably that Oz - waiting for something to happen . There was that itching voice back in his head - come on , Franklin , take out some rivals and have some fun - but that was contested by the more mature parts of his brain - are you nuts ? - so he just aimed and waited . " Fucking finally " , i murmur as island slowly appears in front of us . I hate sailing so much . There is nothing to do around here . " Kukuku , you 'd really like to be there right now . " , said voice behind me . I hold my reaction as captain slowly moves next to me . She could be real quiet if she tried . " Trouble ? " I inquire . Although i did have potential for developing that kind of haki , it was never enough of priority to spend time on it . My strengths were elsewhere and i could just ask those who could if need be . " More like fun " , she states as she leans on the rail , her one good eye looking somewhere beyond . Damn , she was hot . She was also total bitch . " They are really going at it . " She starts giggling . Then laughing . I really didn 't like that . " What 's the issue ? " , i ask suspiciously . My blood runs cold as she slowly takes note out of her cloak . No . I take it and open it . No . " Lay low . Prioritize your safety . Wait instructions . With a roar i take the barrel i was sitting on and toss it into the sea . Then i put it on fire . Breathing heavily , i turn around and head to the cabin , itching for someone to cross my path . Behind me , captans laughter echoed through the ship . Edited by Srki , 27 March 2015 - 02 : 52 PM . Daikan was resting on the hull of his ship after they came to the Archipelago . He was excited to be in the spot that was the jumping off point to the New World . He had heard from his teammates and the news that this was the place where the supernova 's gathered and were introduced to the world . Where the Strawhat 's were separated , where a legendary incident happened with the tenryuubito . He couldn 't wait to go out and see what the island had to offer . He looked around the ship and didn 't see anyone . Daikan knew what he was getting into when he joined this ship . The religious fanatic was someone he could hardly stand to be around , but captain Ukkonen was someone worth of following regardless of who served under him . Daikan had never seen someone so beautifully strong in his life . " Anyways i suppose i should go find the stupid idiot and see what hes up to , he does always provide pretty good entertainment , especially if Sagara is with him " Daikan proceeded to run along the ship yard using his CoO to try and spot either of his crewmates . When out of nowhere he hears a blast and some loud noises , he thinks he recognizes the sound of Sagara 's guitar so he goes off in that direction . Using his speed he runs to the shipyard to find a bunch of bodies skewn about on the road and Oz and Sagara matched up against two random people . Using his CoO to see who else is looking he finds a good amount of strong people looking in on the upcoming fights . He notices that the fishermen are both fairly strong in power and that the fanatic was facing off against a swordsmen . He notices that the fishermen especially are eager to prove themselves against each other " should be a good fight " he mutters under his breath and that the swordsman is cracking the ground beneath him " strange " he mutters again as he walks closer to the battles . He sees that Sagara set up his equipment and so he uses some of his speed to get past the observant 's and contestants . He sits down on Sagaras amp yelling out " I see you guys are having fun without me . " He is content to sit on the amp and see how this fight plays out , he loves chances to see how his crew preform in battle , but he can tell from some of the intentions around that he might not be able to stay out of the brawl . ' ' This person . . . nice body but what an ew style . . . another member of the Pandemonium ? What 's his name again ? ' ' , Xiaosu noticed a new guy who had just arrived at the scene . His speed is quite admirable given the way he moved and some sort of confidence was exuded , too . ' ' Heh , maybe I won 't be able to just sit here and relax after all . ' ' . Just when Xiaosu thought that , the new dude sat down on the amp to take an audience stand . ' ' So . . . seems like he doesn 't want to fight yet . Good ! ' ' , Xiaosu crossed her legs and waited to see the fights . Oz tilted his head in the direction of Daikan and shrugged in apology . " I would have asked you to come along , but you 're probably too weak . Go play with that girl over there . " The warrior - priest turned his attention to his loud challenger and grinned . The man 's body looked well built , his will had endured Sagara 's attack , and he was a swordsman . He could not have asked for a better opponent . " Little , was it ? I 'll be your opponent , " said Oz as he began to descend the hill , " Don 't worry , I have six years of experience fighting the sword . You might even call swordsmen my specialty . " Once Oz was level with his opponent he fell back into a fighting stance and bounced on his toes . Once . Twice . On the third bounce he leaped off the ground and landed directly in front of Little . Oz jabbed with his left fist and immediately followed it with a right hook . Riding the momentum of his punch , Oz bent his knees and sprung upwards to land an uppercut on Little 's chin . Something doesn 't feel right , thought Oz in mid - air . His fists felt like they met heavy metal rather than flesh . He looked downwards in time to see an unaffected Little flash a grin . " Oh shi - " " Fenrir 's Bite ! " , yelled Little as he spun in a circle , sword in both hands , and delivered a powerful blow to Oz 's midsection . Oz flew into the ground and skidded back towards the hill . He barely had enough time to cough in pain before Little charged with another attack . " Fenrir 's Assault ! " The swordsman whirled towards Oz with blistering pace . Each rotation was closely followed by a current of air which flattened the surroundings . The man took to the air and crashed downwards . Oz dodged the whirlwind without trouble but the resulting shockwave clouded the air with dust . To create air currents with every movement . . . what monstrous strength , thought Oz . He must have a Devil Fruit . A pitch black shade engulfed Oz 's golden gloves and his aloof grin turned wolfish . This was an opponent he could take seriously . Little 's sword struck out of the cloud and Oz parried it . The return swing came swift and Oz caught it with both hands . The ground beneath him cracked from the power and Oz felt his muscles scream in pain . He tried to lift the sword off of him but fell to one knee instead . What power ! thought Oz . He released his Thunder Dials and electricity surged through the weapon lightening the load . Oz heaved the sword to the side and renewed his assault . Adrenaline overwrote the stinging in his hands . Left , right , right , left , down . Oz made rapid movements away from the edge of Little 's sword and delivered punches to the man 's abdomen . The warrior - priest was too fast for the swordsman . He could go faster . Oz accelerated to his top speed . His pitch black fists gained a soft orange glow as friction fought every movement . Flashes of gold was all that could be seen as every one of his punches met their target . The ground was scorched from his movements and a burnt smell permeated the air . A whirlwind of gold raged against Little 's body , waiting for the moment the swordsman staggered . He did , and in that moment all the heat , speed , and force of Oz was unleashed onto the swordsman and sent him barrelling into a large tree . Oz slowed as the rush of battle fled his body . The heat left his gloves and mind , and Oz wiped the sweat from his brow . It 's over , thought Oz , massaging his right shoulder as soreness replaced adrenaline . He looked towards the smoking body of his challenger and froze in shock . There was still light in Little 's eyes . Oz scrambled backwards as Little 's arms began to extend forward . A thrust was coming . " Midgard 's Serpent Road ! " A blast of air rushed out of the sword and razed everything in its path . Whatever grass was not shredded to pieces was uprooted and tossed aside . The hill Oz once stood on had a gaping hole and crumbled under its own weight . The burnt air that permeated the area had dispersed . Oz looked down at his solid gold shirt and grimaced . He had been hit by less than a third of the attack yet his shirt was in tatters . Oz threw off what remained of his shirt and approached the recovering swordsman . He had come to a decision . The man was powerful , daring , and loved to fight . He had earned the right to work under the Messiah . The zealot moved to grab Little 's shirt , failed to find one , and crossed his arms instead . „ Payment for one to showcase his strength ? " John thought to himself after hearing Sagara 's speech „ Isn 't the fight payment in itself ? ! " He wondered as the fishman started singing . „ Hmm ? Is the song really that bad ? Why is everyone reacting strangely to it ? " He looked around and could see that a few remained unaffected , still waiting for the initiators of the event to pick their challengers . The fishman picked another of his kind from the crowd as his opponet , as the one that appeared to be a human grinned at him and after talking to a new figure that just made it 's appearance , another fishman at that , he adressed him : " Little , was it ? I 'll be your opponent , " " Don 't worry , I have six years of experience fighting the sword . You might even call swordsmen my specialty . " John grinned and followed Oz in silence as he descended the hill , until the two of them were on the same level . The man was carrying himself with the weight of a warrior , no more words were needed to get him excited at the prospect of this battle . To John 's surprise though Oz suddenly bounced on his toes „ Once , twice . . he disappeared ? ! No , in front of me ! So fast ! " Two lightning fast attacks that John could barely tell appart from each other and an uppercut . „ But these are soft " John grinned „ Softer than my mom 's pear pie " He thought , as he prepared to greet his opponent as a warrior should . No contact ? No rest ! John was getting drunk with the scent of a good battle . His muscles flexed in excitement , wanting to be tested , his palms grabbing the sword even tighter , yearning for the shock that would signal his target got further acquainted with his blade . He swiftly cut through the dust resulted from his landing with his body , and to his joy found his opponent at the other end of his blade . He felt opposition , but not enough for his target not to succumb to the force behind his attack . Suddenly a surge of electricity went through his weapon and body , stunning him for a second , but he barely felt any pain . He was already in a trance like state . John gave himself and his world to the battle and as the fight continued both he and his world were „ consumed " and „ replaced " . Two fighters , alone , clashing with all their might . Others would say John was no longer himself , this was the only true self John would now recognize . Oz was making use of quick movements , much faster than those of the giants John was accustomed to . He was usually the faster one but his opponent was now without a doubt the one having the advantage . His moves appeared to begin sooner that John would make his next attack known , and as an accurate response more often than not . Oz dodged a serie of attacks , and then . John could only see flashes of gold , and the wave of stinging pain would have been much more than just an inconvenience if not for the ocean of ecstasy surrounding him , them , their world . What John was feeling was a peculiar mix of emotions , not fully matching anything we can accurately name , probably closer to „ love " than anything else . For this moment , this fight , he had a huge smile on his face as he was sent barreling into a large tree by the power of the technique . He stood there smiling like that for a second , or was it more ? He could no longer tell the passing of time . He could not indulge himself any longer with the joy of a lost moment , there 's more to be had ! He was standing before he knew how he got back up and both arms on the sword , already knew what will come next . The serpent unleashed towards Oz blasted through the hill , once stage of the singing fishman , causing what remained of it to collapse under it 's weight . Dust and debris covered the area around him , and John 's expression suddenly changed . His face betrayed nothing but sincere sadness as he loosened the grip on his sword , and his muscles involuntarily relaxed as a reflex to all his past encounters . It died . The moment , the fight , the opponent . It had been years since anyone survived this technique , and not just a few . As he was recomposing himself and accepting his lose , both shock and joy hit him at once when the dust finally cleared . It was alive ! The moment , the opponent , the fight ! OZ threw away what remained of his shirt and started walking towards John . He was decisive with his movements yet much slower than in the past when he went for an attack . The pain from Oz 's last technique caught up to John 's body as a reminder of the damage he had sustained and the worth of his opponent . He allowed Oz to close the distance between them , following him in silence , and when the hand of his opponent motioned towards him , he moved his own to grab it , only to realize that Oz had stopped himself and now was facing him with both arms crossed . Jazz was on the lookout for a nice bar to settle in and order some smooth liquor of the best kind - Whisky . He finally found one , although it was atop a giant hill , and the only way to get up was via stairs - Jazz 's greatest enemy . After what felt like a tough adventure on its own , just climbing the winding stairs , the young pirate was finally by the porch of Shakky 's Rip - Off Bar . Although he had no clue what any of that entailed , he stepped inside and was immediately greeted by the pleasant groovy tunes of a piano , played through a record player , as well as the soft murmur of numerous drinkers . It was a smoky bar , with dimmed lighting and numerous booths of drunken , but no less dangerous criminals . This was not a bar with regards to the laws of the archipelago . He felt numerous suspicious eyes watching him as he slowly walked toward the bar counter , where a beautiful woman stood , pouring a tall glass of beer for a muttering gentleman seated by the counter . Jazz could hear the flipping of papers , the clinks and clanks of glasses and bottles , and the occasional talking over the quiet music ; but yet he felt something was amiss . There was no happy drinkers in the bar , only tired and anxious pirates . Were they intimidated by Jazz ? Did they recognize him ? " I 'll have one Whisky , please " , Jazz asked the female bartender , whom he figured was Shakky . She was the only figure in the bar that did not look like a looming , paranoid criminal - in - hiding . But even she seemed hesitant , as she leaned in close to Jazz . The man named Cobalt stood tall beside Jazz , holding in his hands a bundle of wanted posters , and a somewhat arrogant look on his face as he inspected the pirate . He had a pair of sunglasses on , and a muscular but slender body , decorated with rings on his fingers and scars all over . The man wore a simple t - shirt and the standard Marine pants , making it quite clear the man was a Marine officer of some sort , and out for Jazz 's head . But Jazz wasn 't going to flee the bar for this Cobalt , no - he had come way too far to just leave without his liquor . " I 'm just here to drink , man " , he tried to explain , but the Marine Cobalt did not seem to care . His right hand fingers snapped and cracked as he made a fist , and swung it at Jazz with a force making the nearby glasses spill and clatter . Jazz immediately brought his arms up in front of his face , blocking the punch , but the sheer strength behind it still sent him reeling through the doors of the bar , and landed on the stairs below . Jazz was not amused . The attack had not hurt him , but he was now getting irritated by the Marine , as he still only wanted his whisky , and not a fight . He figured his best chance of achieving his goal was to either rush inside the bar and swipe a whisky bottle and then make a run for it , or to fight this Commodore Cobalt and then return to the bar and have his whisky in peace . " That is a good question swordsman , " said Oz . " Where do you wish to go ? The New World ? Raftel ? The Moon ? Wherever it is , whatever your dream , all you need to do is follow me . By the will of The Messiah and God Eneru , we will have everything . Nothing in the sea nor sky can stop us . The Pandemonium Pirates are invincible . " Oz pointed to the sky , where Ukkonen was rapidly approaching . " Do you see , Little ? Do you see the way lightning crackles around his body . Can you hear the thunder that follows after every flap of his wings ? Nature itself bows before him ; it fumbles over itself to announce his arrival . All is within his power . That is the Messiah . That will be your leader . " Oz held out a hand and asked , " Will you join us , brother ? " The Science PiratesThe Dean - Dr . Nemo IshmaelShakky 's Rip - Off Bar His search for a suitable coating engineer took him across shifty by - ways and dirty underoots talking to men he wouldn 't trust with repairing his sink . Just as he was about to give up and wing it himself based on hazy memories of a handbook , rumor spoke of a peculiar story - the Dark King himself haunting the archipelago and working as one . An incredulous tale to be sure , and he was too long in years to let his fancy get the better of him , but he figured any man who gets mistaken for the Dark King must be one hell of an engineer and fighter to boot . He must be to still be in business . The ramshackle bar and resto that the rumors pointed to was just like any of the other two - penny places all over this lawless area , even the name was in the end an unoriginal gimick of reverse psychology . Entering the place provided no surprises - after all , he already scanned it from outside , but he was hoping to at least find a bearing to set his course . ' Perhaps the bartender will oblige . ' He took a seat at the bar and lit a tobacco to replenish some energy from all that walking ( and sometimes fighting ) around , waiting as she finished tending to a rugged looking customer . Suddenly the weary peace of the bar was broken by a gung - ho navyman turned foolish by alcohol . He glanced at the man accused , the very man that the bartender was talking to before him . He saw that the other patrons remained hunched over their drink , or else grinning at entertainment on someone else 's expense . Next the Commodore let loose a powerful blow with his fist sending the man clear off the place . It was a testament to the scalawag 's skill and constitution that he was able to redirect and nullify the attack almost completely . ' Interesting . . a bounty of 230 mill , near almost as mine . What have these youngster 's been up to nowadays ? ! ' In his walk around the archipelago , he had stayed clear of the Navy base or navymen , but here is an opportunity he could not let pass . How often do officials go Edited by Lone _ ant , 23 April 2015 - 11 : 42 PM . „ This mythical beast is your Messiah ? Then you are followers of the God of Thunder ? We call him Thor in our lands , and our Clan abides by his rules of courage and honor in battle . The New World is a place i wish to reach , so i shall follow you there if i am welcome on your ship . However brave human warrior , we Little 's bow to no one among mortals . " He points at Ukkonen and continues his speech . „ Does he not bleed ? Can he not die ? I shall respect the worth of one chosen by Thor , but my knee will only rest on the ground in defeat and my head shall only bow to a mortal once removed from my body . I 'll give you my sword in exchange for this journey , and i shall crush those that deny Thor 's might , but my pride has no price and there 's none i will call my leader . " Shabondy Archipelago He 'd been shot , stabbed , and burned but this was the worst feeling that he ever felt being out at sea . Ace may have fought with many people out at sea but he wouldnt have wished this feeling on any foe . Hunger . . . . the people of Shabondy Archipelago probably heard his stomach growl before he could reach land . Laying on the deck of the ship he saw the faces of those two old men arguing . Ace was about to stock up on food for the trip but the argument of the those two old men made him wait . " Shabondy Archipelago has the best grilled seaking . . . . " Ace said mocking the old man . Part of it was his fault because he was being nosey but he wanted to see if the food from Shabondy was better than the food he was gonna buy . Times like this did make him missing coming inside to a home cooked meal prepared by his mother . Manly tears would have fell from his eyes if he didnt see a bubble float infront of his face . The trip felt like it took years to get here but he finally made it and food was the only thing on his mind . Docking his ship Ace jumped onto the land and walked towards the restaurant . The old man repeated were it was located hundreds of times so he just payed attention to where he was going . The location for the restaurant was odd but curiosity / hunger had taken over by now he had to taste the food for himself . If this was the best place that had seaking in the first half the establishment had to be packed but it wasn 't . The owner quickly came out the kitchen with a smile but it turned to an angry hiss . " Get out ! I dont want any problems , those pirates fighting outside spooked away my money . " With his hands in the air Ace pulled out a seat with the best view and tossed the owner a sack . The man that adamantly wanted the pirate gone tearful welcomed him to his establishment . Quickly apologizing the owner went back inside the kitchen to prepare the meal Ace waited a life time for . With the owner in the back cooking Ace couldn 't help but look outside at the ruckus going on outside . He didn 't care for the pirates outside , they ranged from brainwashed pirates to just outright drunks . The sooner he got away from all this the better all he wanted to do was see if the old man 's words were true . Coming from the back the chef brought in the biggest slab of seaking still steaming from the grill . Another customer came into the restaurant but Ace payed them no mind his eyes followed the plate as it reached his table . With the fist bite tears instantly rolled down Ace 's face and he could see a vision of the old man . " Thank you old man . . . . " The commotion started by the religious kooks didn 't ruin his food , but the muzzle pointing at his cheek did . The grilled seaking he paid a fortune was now ruined by this disrespectful pirate . Ace didn 't care for his face being plastered on every island but not being attacked by weaklings was a good perk . Placing his fork slowly on the plate Ace took one last look at the magnificent strip of meat before he closed his eyes . " Did you have to point it to the side I was chewing on ? " The stench of cheap alcohol seeped through the pirate 's pours , this man was very disrespectful . " HYAHYAHYA , the Pandemonium Pirates will make me into a officer if I bring back Crimson Ace 's head on that plate ! " What those crazy fanatics had going on didn 't involve Ace one bit now their mess was ruining his relaxation , this was his limit . Just when he thought the pirate was done the heat from the man 's arm went directly for Ace 's plate . The juice from the seaking drip on Ace 's head as the man gobbled the expensive meal down in a matter of seconds . " Wastin a good strip like that doesn 't make sense . " A crimson spark flickered across Ace 's eyes as he slowly opened them . " Well , get on with . . . . . " A loud bang echoed through the restaurant stopping Ace before he could complete his sentence . With a smirk on his face the pirate blew the smoke from his muzzle then grabbed his sword to finish the job . " I 'm shocked you actually pulled the trigger you might have seriously hurt me if i didn 't move . But . . . . . without question you follow orders from strangers . Your nothing but a drunk sheep that wondered from your stable . " The pirate started to trembled so violently that he dropped his sword and tried to plead his case . In the reflection of his sword Ace stood in front of the weeping man , his cheek was sliced open and the right side of his teeth showed as he frowned . " I hate sheep ! " Red sparks stitched his cheek together as he moved towards the pirate . Closing the door to the restaurant Ace dragged the toothless pirate towards the group and tossed him towards tEdited by Joey , 02 April 2015 - 10 : 10 PM . Ukkonen preferred to be fully transformed when flying , but this situation called for a stealthier approach . His hybrid form had less of the powers of the thunderbird , and did not cause a thunderclap each time he flapped his wings . It also freed his hands , allowing him to adjust the dials fixed to his glaive . The sniper , seated on a branch of one of the giant mangrove trees apparently failed to notice him . His attention seemed to be focused on the fighting below . A clever one , this sniper , Ukkonen thought . There was no better way to eliminate potential obstacles than from a great distance , where you could strike with impunity , unseen and unheard . But Ukkonen was well - versed in such tactics . He tweaked one of the dials on his glaive , as he levelled himself with his target , then pointed the glaive at the sniper . A thin jet of mist shot out of one of the dials , rapidly expanding as it gained distance , growing into a cloud and enveloping the branch the sniper was sitting on . Hopefully , this would block the sniper 's vision and disorient him . At the same time , Ukkonen transformed , his arms retreating into his torso and golden feathers sprouting all over his body . His talons lunged for the falling glaive , grasping it tightly . His feathers crackled with electricity . " Hundred Feather Surge : Eneru 's Lance ! " Afternoon Crozier fell . Well , he thought , that went the wrong way . And he hadn 't even shot yet . Slightly disoriented by the shock and the noise in the first two seconds of the fall , Crozier saw the dazzling , crackling thunderbird above him , the famous Ukkonen , who had struck the tree with lightning . Crozier had to admit that it would 've been a really cool sight had he been a spectator and not the victim of the attack . All the other problems aside - like the crashing branch , the monstrous enemy , or the overall situation - Crozier wasn 't worried about the height . After all , he had mastered the Tsuku - Tsuku Fruit , which granted the ability to manipulate all impact the user generated . Of course , this also meant to be able to cease out any impact he 'd make , so he would land soft as a feather once he reached the ground . @ Damanos Ankoushi closed his eyes as he felt the cold embrace of the sea water comprise his body . Ankoushi didn 't know of any place he could call " home " anymore , nor where in the world he would have to go to find such a place , but there was one thing he was certain about ; it was underwater . Opening his eyes again , now laced with a thin film that his body naturally produced anytime he went underwater , Ankoushi stretched his arms and felt the strength reverbating throughout his muscles . The angler was now shining with a stronger blue light than usual , probably because of some primal hunter instincts setting in . All Ankoushi knew was that during battle like this , he had no control over the light . About ten metres away from him , but at roughly the same level , Ankoushi saw how his opponent took a fighting stance . After giving a slight nod , as if to accept the fight , Ankoushi sped towards the other fishman in a flurry of bubbles that had still been left in his pants and shirt . At first they merely tested each others abilities . Ankoushi fired off several kicks and punches , which his opponent all skillfully blocked or avoided ; while in return dodging Sagara 's attacks . It was his opponent that got the first couple hits though ; probably giving Ankoushi a slight concussion as he sent him back with several powerful punches . Struggling to separate up from down , Ankoushi managed to get in a good kick over Sagara 's chin by what felt like pure luck , following up with his signature Atamagawara : Seiken delivered straight towards the spinner shark fishman 's face . His opponent immediately regained his posture however . Seeking to take advantage of the two meters between them , Ankoushi immediately swept his angler towards Sagara 's arm to keep him at a distance while preparing a flying kick attack using water pressure . The other fishman simply grabbed the angler however , and forced Ankoushi closer with a powerful pull . With both of them refusing to let go , they exchanged several powerful hits like that . Ankoushi ultimately pulled away , trying to regain his composure as Sagara followed him . It was a chase , but only for a brief second . Ankoushi spun in the water , sending a shockwave of underwater pressure towards Sagara with a powerful kick . His attack connected , sending Sagara flying slightly back into the water . Intercepting the spinner - shark fishman from above with speed no normal human would be able to follow , Ankoushi was nevertheless hit by yet another one of his opponent 's powerful fists , and was sent flying out of the water . Hitting the ground and immediately rolling over to his feet , Ankoushi experienced a second of suffocation as he almost forgot to switch over to breathing with his lungs . His opponent now also exited the water , and Ankoushi was pleased to see that he was also breathing heavily . They both definitely looked like they had taken several good hits . Without any given command , they both simultanously assumed a fighting stance again before springing at each other . There was a flurry of hits and blood and fists , and then finally it was Ankoushi that was sent flying back . Unable to land on his feet , he did the next best thing and immediately rolled over into a standing position instead . " Oof , " Ankoushi mumbled . He felt blood dripping from his mouth as he spoke . " Do you still wanna keep going . . . ? " A Marine battleship races across the sea on its way to Sabaody Archipelago . Standing on the deck of that ship 's bow is a taller than average man staring out into the sea with a Vice Admiral coat draped over his shoulders . The man 's stern face is covered in scars from what appear to be burns . " So I hear the new Vice Admiral Heine was recently transferred to the new G - 1 base and he wasn 't too happy about it " , said a marine on the deck of the battleship looking at the Vice Admiral far enough away so he couldn 't hear him . The marine next to him fiddles with a cannon trying to preform some routine maintenance . " Yeah , apparently after the battle at Marineford Heine was promoted from Rear Admiral to a Vice Admiral after Fleet Admiral Sakazuki took up his new position . It seems that Heine had been refusing to accept a promotion to a Vice Admiral for a while because he didn 't want to leave his position in the New World " , replied the marine who goes back to fiddling with the cannon . " I 'd imagine that after cutting your teeth on the pirates in the New World that coming back to this side of the Grand Line has to seem like a demotion even though it was a promotion , haha . Though I wonder why he accepted now ? " The two marines hang their heads down in thought both trying to come up with a possible answer . " That is because it was Sakazuki himself that gave him the promotion " , said a voice from behind the two marines . A relatively older man draped in what appears to be a white lab coat staring at them behind a thick pair of dark lens goggles moves along the railing of the ship closer to where the two marines are working . " Oh , Scientist Faraday , we didn 't know you were there " , replied the marine closest to the scientist . " Seems the two of them go way back and have known each other since the Vice Admiral Heine was a child . Apparently it was Sakazuki himself that made the Vice Admiral join the marines after an encounter nearly 20 years ago . " The two marines pause for a moment to look at each other in surprise before one responds , " Is that true ? " The scientist scratches his chin and replies , " From what I 've heard it is . Also those scars that you see on his face were apparently given to him by Sakazuki during their first encounter as well . " The two marines again look at the Vice Admiral standing on the deck thinking about what they just learned . " Well none of that is important now . Just finish up your work quickly . It seems that we will be landing at Sabaody shortly . " The scientist turns around and begins to walk back down the railing of the ship and the two marines get back to work . " That is my final offer . I can 't go any lower . If you don 't like it you can go somewhere else to get your ship coated for all I care " , shouted a fairly stout bald man whose clothes were covered in oil and grease tattered from spending years working on ships . " It 's all about supply and demand my young friend . Sure , the shipyard might be in chaos now , but us shipcoaters are the most valuable commodity here . All those pirates and people racing to the New World need us or else they are stuck . So as you can see business is booming ! Hahahahaha ! " An annoyed look appears on the young man 's face the stout shipcoater was speaking to . He pauses for a minute and adjusts the sword hanging off his shoulder that is nearly as long as him clearly frustrated at the whole situation . " Sure , that price will be fine " , says the young man reluctantly . " Great ! Pleasure doing business with you " , remarks the shipcoater as he walks away with a big grin on his face . " Ugh , it 's going to be such a pain to tell the captain about the price . How about you tell him in a song , José ? Haha . . . José ? " The young man looks over his shoulder and realizes the man he thinks he is speaking to is nowhere to be found . He glances over towards an adjacent grove where a lot of fighting and commotion had been taking place during his bargaining with the shipcoater . " I told him not to pay those pirates any attention , but I guess the draw of music in battle was too much . Great , now I have two things to tell the Captain . " The young man takes out a small Den Den Mushi from his his robes and anxiously waits for a reply . " Eh ? Sora ? Is that you ? Did you get our ship coating all sorted ? " , says a burly and gruff voice from the other end of the Den Den Mushi . " I did , though the price might have been higher than you were looking for , but there is another problem " , replied Sora . " Oh ? And what might that be ? " The young man took a second to think about what he was going to say then replied , " You know about those Pandemonium Pirates that have been causing some commotion in the shipyards lately ? Well it seems that José took an interest in them after he heard the sounds of a guitar and headed off in their direction . What should we do ? " , replied Sora clearly annoyed at the whole situation . " Maaahahahahahahaha " , the gruff voice at the other end of the line yelled out . " You don 't need to worry about José . He can take care of himself . Just come on back to the bar and we you can buy me , Roberto and Juliette a drink . " The young man ended the call and took a deep breath and breathed a sigh of relief thankful that he wouldn 't have to get involved in another hassle after just finishing up one with the shipcoater . Standing in the back of a crowd of onlookers all watching the battle between the Pandemonium Pirates and some other pirates stood a very tall strangely dressed man with a wooden guitar hanging off his back . He has a large pointed mustache which partially covers his giant grin all somewhat in shadow because of the large oddly shaped hat that he wears . He easily towers over the people in front of him with the tops of their heads barely reaching his chest . As he watches the occurring fights between the other pirates unfold and reach their natural conclusion he cheers and laughs at the free entertainment that he has been given . " What a good show this is ! " , he yells . He thinks about stepping out from behind the crowd to make himself more visible , but he waits for the rest of the fights to settle before making a move forward . Commodore " Rockslide " Cobalt wasn 't an ordinary man . He was among the most well - known Commodores of the Marines , and was thought highly of by his seniors . He had the qualities of a strong leader , his confidence and strength exuded throughout every decision he made - but he had one flaw . He was never much of a team player . He preferred to do his work alone , particularly interested in chasing down pirates of high bounties , and less invested in the duties of peace - keeping and protecting the innocent . It was due to this joy of hunting pirates that Cobalt had sought out Shakky 's Rip - Off Bar , where he had heard many big - shot pirates would frequent . In fact , on his first visit , he found " Red Eyed " Greaves , an infamous pirate with red - shot eyes and a blood - drenched shirt . Cobalt immediately apprehended the man , who was no match for his kicks that could shatter boulders , and punches that created earthquakes . Greaves was incarcerated , and the following afternoon , Cobalt decided to head back to the same bar , which he was now quite fond of ; even more so when he caught another big fish - The Vagabond Pirate . This man , he had heard of a lot recently , a man who managed to stir up conflicts wherever he went , and was worth over 200 million . This was a chance he could not pass up , and so he sprung into action . Taking the business outside , Cobalt prepared to duel the pirate , who was apparently a swordsman , but that meant no danger for his arms harder than any rock . Suddenly , a bottle of liquor was thrown at him from behind , perhaps by some anti - Marine scum from the bar - he 'd met quite a few of those during his years as a base commander - but it turned out to be another criminal , this one he knew just by looking at his face - Ishmael " The Dean " , a cyborg pirate thought to be retired until recently . Had the lone pirate Jazz finally joined a pirate crew worthy of his infamy ? Or was this just a partnership born out of mutual opposition of the Commodore himself ? Whatever the reason , Cobalt was confident he could take them both on as long as he kept his cool . He needed to play this safe , take them on one at a time , and judging from how Jazz barely parried his attack earlier , he could at least take him down with certainty . Jazz caught the bottle almost instinctively , only realizing seconds later that it was the same bottle he had been wanting to drink before Cobalt attacked him . Now having lost his only motive for continuing the fight with the Marine , he was prepared to make a run for it , but the robotic man who had thrown him his drink wanted him to fight the Marine as payment . Jazz pondered it for a while - he had no reason to feel indebted to the man for getting him his drink , after all , it was a small favor in exchange for a potential death match . On the other hand , he was slightly intrigued both by the actions of the mysterious man who gave him his drink , and by the skills of Cobalt , but none of those warranted a battle , so he decided to flee , drink in hand , but was stopped before he even turned around to run . A sharp kick aimed right at his neck , powerful enough to rattle his whole skull even though he blocked it with his arm . Cobalt was way too strong for him , and the kick sent him flying into one of the giant trees of Shabondy . He was now partway stuck in the bark of the tree , coughing up blood and touching his numbed arm to see if it had been broken . After breaking himself free from the tree , he began to skid down the length of the tree , but he was yet again stopped before he had time to flee , Cobalt was flying towards him like a meteorite , and struck the tree with a blow more akin to an earthquake than a kick , creating large cracks in the tree and sending chunks of it flying . However , this time Jazz had enough time to dodge , and the kick didn 't hit him directly , but the sheer force behind it still sent him flying , this time toward the ground . Using the bubbles floating all around , he managed to land softly , and immediately spun around to see where Cobalt was . He was very quick , and had already disappeared from the tree up above , and Jazz barely had time to locate him before he struck him next - this time with a punch aimed straight down to crush Jazz 's head between the rock hard fist and the ground . Jazz rolled out of the attack , and took a handstand as he sent a kick right back at Cobalt 's face , but his kicks were feather - light in comparison to the Marine 's earth - shattering blasts , and Cobalt shrugged it off before rushing at him with yet another attack . Jazz wasn 't going anywhere , his foe was too powerful . He did need the helping hand of the robot man , and he called out to him as he blocked another one of Cobalt 's earthquake punches with a kick to the side of his arm , redirecting the punch just enough so that it missed his face and tore apart the stairs behind him instead . " Okay , sure , just … ! " he shouted in - between numerous attacks from Cobalt . Taking advantage of the split - second break just after Cobalt reached the apex of another swing of his arm , Jazz leapt past him , toward the man he was to fight alongside . He skid along the ground , turning around to face Cobalt and drew his sword from the scabbard hung over his back in the process . " Are you strong ? " Crozier hid in the crowd for a while . The bullets didn 't have any effect - not that he expected them to - and it didn 't seem like Ukkonen was still searching for him , so he bought some very tasty pastry and started to walk back to the Jenny . He called his crew and instructed them about the incident , and they told him about their situation . Apparently , the Coating Engineer had run away after he had seen Nelson . Crozier walked past a placard , and then walked back to read it . " Let me warn you , brother . I am a lot tougher than you think , you may not be able to finish your fight that easily . We 're two fishmen , and the sea is right there , so what are we waiting for ? " A wolfish grin crept onto the musician 's face . " You read my mind , brother . " Sagara left his guitar leaning against his amp on top of the hill , nodding at the newly arrived Daikan . " Mind watching the equipment for me , Dai ? " With his gear having somebody to watch over it , he followed the other Fishman to the water and dove in eagerly . Facing his enemy underwater , the Fishman allowed himself to float lightly with the current that flowed through the area , positioning himself into a fighting stance as he waited for the other of his kind to make a move . The two held position until at last the other martial artist gave a brief nod , signalling the start of the duel as he rushed forwards through the water . The two Fishmen exchanged a rapid series of expertly timed blows , neither landing a clean hit . Each fighter used the opening to assess the movements of the other , neither making a true attempt to incapacitate the other yet . Sagara broke the stalemate first , abruptly shifting to his full speed and slipping a flurry of swift punches past his opponent 's guard that shoved the angler back through the water in what seemed like a daze . Charging in to capitalize on the opportunity , the spinner shark was caught by surprise as Ankoushi 's foot caught him on the chin and stopped his rush short as his head snapped back . Recovering and flipping himself forward , Sagara found his skull meeting the followup blow from the other Fishman and knocking him senseless for a moment . Shaking his head to regain his concentration as the blood leaking from his nose drifted off into the ocean , the musician recovered in time to spot the angler 's signature appendage swinging towards him like a whip . Grinning , the shark Fishman 's hand snapped out to grab hold of the angler in order to yank his opponent in for a close range battle . With the two of them forced into close quarters , the martial artists wordlessly exchanged blow after blow , neither backing down . Eventually , Ankoushi managed to bring a leg between himself and the spinner shark in order to puSagara frowned , swiftly following the angler . Confused , he swam along as he figured that the other Fishman wasn 't truly running away , the tide of battle hadn 't shifted against him . He quickly received an answer as Ankoushi spun around , sending a shockwave of water right at him with a swing of his leg . Oh shit ! Without the time to pull out of his charge and dodge , Sagara instinctively raised his arms to protect himself . His normally blue skin rapidly shifted to a black tone as he hardened his body in preparation to take the attack . While his Haki prevented him from being diced up like sushi , the Fishman was nonetheless forced back from the sheer pressure of the attack . The angler closed in again to follow up on his technique . Alright then , it 's only fair I reply in kind to an attack that strong . Waiting until the last moment as Ankoushi closed in , Sagara suddenly dodged underneath the incoming angler , drawing his right fist back with its Haki coat still in place . " Yonsenmaigawara . . . Seiken ! " Putting his full weight into the attack , Sagara slammed his hardened fist into the other Fishman 's gut , the raw force of the strike hurling the martial artist out of the water and onto the shore once more . Following his fellow Fishman , Sagara emerged from the ocean as well . The two faced each other , both breathing hard . Wordlessly they charged once more , speaking only with fists , kicks , and the occasional headbutt or other less conventional technique . Finally , the two collided one last time with a cross - counter . Ankoushi lost his footing and rolled for a moment before regaining a standing position , while Sagara skidded back and dropped to one knee . " Do you still wanna keep going . . . ? " Sagara picked himself up , surprise momentarily crossing his features at the offer of his opponent to continue . Flinging back his head , the Fishman laughed openly . " Totototototo ! This is great ! Amazing ! Of all the fellow Fishman Karate users I 've sparred with , only Boss Jinbei 's been better than you ! Hell yeah , let 's keep going ! " He paused to spit out a mouthful of blood before getting back into his own fighting stance . Giving a bloody grin , he prepared to attack again when a roar of thunder suddenly reached the dueling pair . His head snapped to look into the direction of the noise , frowning . " What 's Boss Ukkonen doing . . . ? " He turned back to the angler . " Sorry , looks like I 'll have to take a raincheck on the rest of our match . But you 've more than earned a ride on our ship with that battle . The name 's Sagara . What 's yours , brother ? " Concentrating , the spinner shark dipped his hands into the water . " Fishman Jujutsu : Mizugoro . " Grabbing hold of the flowing waters as if they were a tangible object , the Fishman spun with his " handful " of water several times to build up momentum . " Kairyu Ipponzeoi ! " Sagara hurled the current upwards , creating a torrent of water that blasted upwards into the sky with its creator riding atop it . Flying through the air on his water spout , Sagara 's path took him past the tree where his captain had recently unleashed his attack . Saluting the transformed Zoan user , the musician bowed his head in respect as he passed . " Looking for your own prey , Boss ? The opponents around here seem to be pretty fun . " Waiting until the spout had gone a bit further , he jumped off and dropped freely to the ground where he landed lightly on his feet near Oz and Little . He picked his guitar back up from where he had left it , slinging it over his shoulder once more " Damn . Looks like you won this one , bro . I 'm not complaining through , my fight was fun as hell . How was the swordsman ? Looks like he proved himself too if you two are just talking . " Feeling like he was ignoring something , the Fishman glanced over to where a young looking pirate was making a scene nearby . " Uh . . . What does the kid over there want ? " He raised his voice to call out as he moved a bit closer to the scene . " Hey , what 're you yelling about ? You look kinda familiar , have I seen you somewhere . . . ? " " Oh wait , I know ! You 're that rookie , aren 't you . . . ? The . . . Maroon Deuce . Yes , that 's it . " He nodded with certainty . " It 's good to see how spirited the youth can be , but you 're a bit too young to be traveling with us . I bet Oz would still be willing to induct you into his religion though . OI , OZ ! " He yelled over his shoulder to the fellow Pandemonium Pirate . " I think this Maroon Deuce kid wants to join the church or something ! " ( Upon some discussion , Diez and I decided to say we stopped at 19 - 19 HP so as to keep ourselves fresher for plot events and stuff . If that 's cool with @ Shin . ) The sniper 's peace of mind during his plummet told Ukkonen that the fall was unlikely to kill him . A Devil Fruit user , then . A pity . Ukkonen did not have to see the sniper taking aim . His impudence was entirely predictable . Three loud cracks ripped through the air . Electricity surged from his feathers , cloaking his body in a dazzling cloak of lightning . He was aware of the extreme heat , but it did not hurt . The bullets vaporized as soon as they came into contact with his aura . Meanwhile , the sniper had safely landed and had merged with a crowd . Ukkonen considered attacking again , this time directly , but decided against it . The sniper wouldn 't be a danger to his crewmates as long as he was within range of his haki , and attacking would definitely involve the crowd . And in any case , Sagara was approaching , riding on flying current of water . The guitar - wielding fishman passed by , asking , " Looking for your prey , boss ? The opponents around here seem pretty fun . " Ukkonen didn 't answer , because Sagara was going too fast to catch his response , but he did find Sagara 's words intriguing , so he followed the fishman after briefly scanning the area for the sniper again . Sagara and Oz were standing in the middle of what could only be called a mess . Bodies were strewn about everywhere , probably the victims of Sagara 's performance , and there was debris and rubble everywhere . It looked like the hill had been crushed by an attack . There were other people standing nearby , including Daikan , and crowd of onlookers was hanging back , trying to avoid the centre . The fights ' quality are undoubtedly high for Paradise , enough to make Xiaosu watched intently without caring about other things going on around her . As she was observing , some thunder - like sound caught her ear . ' ' Maybe someone is fighting somewhere else ' ' , though Xiaosu . Some more time passed and the fights are concluded . The Pandemonium pirates did live up to their names . Though it was disappointing for Xiaosu since she didn 't exactly get to see their full prowess . Standing up , Xiaosu was going to have some fun with Oz and Sagara when suddenly , that infamous Ukkonen arrived from the sky . ' ' Aww , what 's this ? The hottest guy finally showed his face ? ' ' , step by step , Xiaosu turned back to her playfully seductive self and smiled at him , ' ' You 're hot . So may we have a date in the cafe ? ' '
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All I can do is laugh . . . b / c otherwise I would cry . We went to meet with a very nice Maxiofacial Surgeon in Clearfield today . I had such high hopes that we would get some resolution from this appointment . . . and my hopes were deflated within minutes . In a nutshell , he told us that Ty 's issues are out of his relm of expertise . He agreed with our ENT saying going down to an ENT at Primary 's would be best . He agreed with me that constant antibiotics is wrong for her and hopes that someone at PCMC can help more . ( My mom is going to speak with an autoimmune Dr as well as an infectious disease Dr at her work to see if they have any thoughts . . . ) He didnt charge us for the appointment ( even though they took XRays that we got to see up on the big flat screen TV in the consultation room . . . very high tech coolness ! ) and told us if she ever needs her wisdom teeth out or , God forbid , her face goes through a windshield he can put it back together for her . Joking aside , he felt my pain and felt bad he couldnt do anything to help us . Oh well . . . next week is PCMC and I guarantee I will just cry if they dont tell us something new . We had a great Christmas and hope you and your family did as well . It started out on Christmas Eve , Bryan went to get Taylor and I cooked dinner . When we were done eating , we all got dressed to go to Christmas Eve services at church . Blake came over to go with us and my parents met us there . Within 5 mins , Drew was sound asleep . . . but it was a very beautiful candle light service . The kids went to bed when we got home and we got everything ready . . . the kids left out peppermint Oreos , eggnog , and carrots for the reindeer . . . although I heard rumors that Santa would prefer cashews and beer next year ! LOLThe kids woke up at like 430am , but I told them they couldnt wake us up or go downstairs until 7am . The minute it was 7am , all three of them came flying into our room . They opened gifts for about an hour and then we got dressed and went to my parents for breakfast and then took the kids to their other parents for the weekend and headed over to see Bryan 's family and ate dinner over there . It was a very nice day . Our family got a Wii that all of us as very excited about . I was spoiled - got some gift cards to go shopping , a sleeping bag , a purse , some clothes , some jewelry , a teapot , a Footprints devotional book , etc but I think one of the best gifts I could have recieved was Bryan coming to church with me . It meant so much to me . Hope you all have a very safe and happy New Year ! Posted by I 've had enough of the snow and my mind has been wandering to thoughts of summer activities . There is an awful lot of things I want to do this summer and I am not sure I will have enough time or money to do them all , but while I am sitting here with snow surrounding me , I will go ahead and wish anyways . * Raft for the Cure - Komen Foundation is doing a fundraiser in Moab in June . For $ 100 ( 50 % going to the foundation ) you get to white water raft from 8 - 4pm and then back to Moab for a BBQ , silent auction , and live band . We have never done it before and I am really looking forward to this . Hopefully mom will be feeling well enough to come with us . I think that would be a great family vacation ! * Luther Heights Bible Camp - this year we are going in August . It 's up by Sun Valley , ID . Its a beautiful , relaxing , and enjoyable experience . Nothing like morning worship in the mountains . * Williams ' Family reunion in California sometime in June . * Moab Mamas annual weekend in July - Hummer Safaris , Whitewater Rafting , Arches National Park , alot of laughing , and alot of drinking . Man , I love my girlfriends ! All these thoughts of warm , summer activities and now I have to walk out in the freezing cold to get my mail . Dang it ! ! LOL Amy asked " What was your best Christmas present ? What was your worst ? What did you always want but never get ? " I bought myself a car last year , in December , so that was probably the best gift I 've ever received . I am getting a new cell phone this year that I really want . I 'm just excited to have more family in my life for this Christmas - so I guess that is a gift as well . Worst gift ? I recieved LDS books / videos one year . . . not really my thing . I think I gave them to the DI . Merry Christmas . . . and I hope you get all your heart desires ! Happy Birthday , Taylor ! Yesterday was Taylor 's birthday . He is now 11 years old . It 's funny to think that when I met Bryan it was just days after Taylor turned 10 . This year is flying by . Taylor and Bryan spent some boy - time yesterday and then we met up at TGIFridays for dinner before he went back to his mom 's in SLC . Although he is a quiet boy , he has slipped into the roll of big brother effortlessly . The 3 kids just click . I swear they just pick up where they left off from their last time together . . . no moments of adjustment or anything . Even the 5 yr age difference between the boys doesn 't matter , they love being together . Happy birthday buddy . . . enjoy your eleventh year ! Posted by It 's become a tradition at church for the elementary kids to go caroling at the Assisted Living home across the street and then come back to the church and make gingerbread houses . Yesterday we had a great turn out ! We had about 18 families join us and the residents at the nursing home loved it so much , they had us go through our song list twice ! ! The kids were so funny decorating their houses . Drew named every gummy bear that lives in the house after his family members . . . his sister is on the roof . There was TONS of candy to choose from to decorate , the kids were a mess with frosting , and they giggled the whole time . They have some AWESOME church friends and we have so much fun spending time together . We are blessed to have found such great people and such a wonderful place to worship so close to our house . Below are the kid 's friends ( who are sisters ) that they have become very close with from Sunday School and from Luther Heights Bible Camp last summer . Their family had the cabin right next to ours . They kids just light up when they see each other . Ty and Alyssa being Rudolphs . " Mom , she 's not my girlfriend . She is my friend who is a girl " Posted by Just in case you didnt understand me earlier . . . I DO NOT like snow . I am not happy that the mountains are missing b / c the snow is coming down so hard . I am not happy that tomorrow is a high of 23 degrees . I am not happy that I am supposed to have 12 inches more in my yard by tomorrow evening . Blah . The kids had their Christmas program at daycare Tuesday night . Santa was a little baffled at Tyler being a girl and was concerned with Drew 's cut on his head . . . but was cute anyhow ! LOL Here are some pictures , enjoy ! Posted by I just realized , as my doctor called , that I haven 't updated since I went to Huntsman Cancer Institute . Last month I met with a genetic counselor who had made a graph based off my family medical history laying out my risk factors . I didn 't realize I had so many family members with cancer , ranging from breast , to colon , to even brain tumors . Yikes ! She went over the " normal " person 's risk of just be being a woman . . . no family or personal history involved . Then she showed how I increase with having a couple of lumps removed , having extremely dense breasts , etc . Then she shows the increase of having my mom as well as other female family members having breast cancer . It shows were my risk is now at being 30 and how it increases every 10 yrs . My lifetime risk is around 50 - 55 % compared to those with no risk having a lifetime change of 7 % . We went over options . . . from doing nothing , mammogram / MRI ' ing yearly , starting a drug commonly used for breast cancer treatment , and prophylactic mastectomies . I decided on getting clinical breast exams ( performed by a breast specialist ) 2x a year , as well as an MRI and a Mammogram 1x a year . Doing this I will have something going on every 3 months to ensure if something does come up , it will be caught early . I am going to discuss starting a medication with a medical oncologist that will as well as decrease the density of my breasts so if something does happen they can see it easier in the screenings as well as cut my overall risk in half if I take it for 5 yrsI feel good about things . . . I feel like I have done everything that I can control . If , God forbid , I ever do get diagnosed I can feel good with my decisions and know this is something out of my control and deal with knowing God has a different plan for me . So anyhow . . . there is my update . I 'll let ya know how things go with the oncologist . Kim asked what our favorite thing about Snow is . . . favorite memory involving snow . . . blah blah blah . Honestly , I am not a big fan of snow . . . I could do without it . I know I live in Utah , but if it would stay up in the mountains and leave me alone , I would be fine with it . Luckily for me , I have a HOA that shovels my snow , so that helps me get through the winter season . Its pretty and all from a distance , but I am not a big fan of the cold . We went to the ENT last week to check on options . He said he isn 't comfortable doing surgery b / c of the risk involved . I respect that ; however we need to do something differently than we are currently doing so I asked what options we had . He said go see a doctor at Primary Children 's Medical Center and see if he knows of anything else or would be comfortable dealing with all those little nerves that run through the gland . We have an appointment for January 8 . Ty finished her antibiotics on Saturday and Sunday night she started complaining of not feeling well and went to bed early . Monday she didn 't say anything so I thought she was better . Today she called me from school , bawling . By the time I made it there to get her , she was asleep in the office just shaking . The lump is back again , but on the other side . This is a record . . . 8 freaking days in between outbreaks . She cried . . . I cried . I cant believe we are the only people in the state of Utah who are dealing with this . . . someone has to have more ideas than heat , water , and lemon drops . I am waiting for the Dr to call me back to call in yet another round of meds . In the mean time I have been looking up a lot of things regarding juvenile parotoid syndrome and found that Maxiofacial Surgeons deal with saliva glands . I called my dentist and asked if he could recommend someone . I called his referral and found out that he does deal with saliva gland and saliva ducts . We have a consult on the 30th . I am printing out everything I am finding online to ask about it . I am going to write up a big medical history of everything we have tried so far in the past 3 years . I am going to take pictures of her face when she wakes up to take with me to show him how it looks at its worst . I pray that he is able to help . I am missing work , she is missing school , she is miserable , and its taking a toll on us both . Hopefully he will know of something we haven 't already done and we can get past this . Keep your fingers crossed ! ! ! After their play , we took them to Baskin Robbins for ice cream before we came home . Earlier in the day someone had given them these cool glasses to put on at night and look at the Christmas lights with . They are really cool . . . they show snowmen and gingerbread men ! Anyhow , the kids wanted to bring them in the house to look at our tree . When they were done , I told them to go put them in the car and get ready for bed . I was online checking email at the kitchen table and Bryan was at the counter when we heard a blood - curling scream . We both took off running and I saw Drew standing by his car door holding his head . I moved his hand and blood was pouring down his face . I grabbed him to run into the house and Ty saw all the blood and freaked out . . . she was screaming and crying . Bryan was calming her down as I sat Drew on the counter and grabbed for a rag . He had about an inch cut on his forehead and it was deep . Instantly I knew we were heading to the ER . Not so much for the blood , b / c it really didnt end up bleeding all that much once we wiped it up , but because he has a seizure disorder and I wanted to make sure nothing else was going to happen . We ended up dropping Ty off to my parents . . . she was still freaking out and if he was going to have stitches , I didnt want her there . Hell , I didnt want to be there . . . so it was a good thing Bryan was with us . He kept us all calm . We were in and out at the hospital . I think it took us longer to get there than the time we were there . They were able to glue his laceration closed rather than stitches ( yay ! ) and we have to have extra seizure precautions for the next 2 wks . She thought he would have a big bump today and bruising , but so far he is good . He was such a trooper at the ER , it was unreal . He laid back on the bed with his arms behind his head , just chillin ' . Today I took him to the movies and he is feeling good . Here is a picture from before we left . Posted by On Saturday evening , the Sunday School kids from Ascension Lutheran had their Christmas Play . The program was called " Oh , No You Can 't Go " and it was about the Christmas story told from the shepard 's and sheep 's perspective . It was darling and the kids had so much fun . Ty was the shepard , Ezra . She had 4 lines in the play . Although terrified , she did a great job . Her little brother , Drew , was a sheep . He was running around before hand making his sheep ears fly up so everyone named him the " Flying Sheep " . What a goof ! Here are some pictures of them . . . along with some video . Enjoy ! Posted by Christmas Tag ! Wrapping paper or gift bags ? Wrapping paper for home , gift bags for presents we have to take somewhere . Real tree or artificial ? artificialWhen do you put up your tree ? Uh . . . still not up yet . Will be done by Sunday . When do you take your tree down ? Usually the day or two after christmas . Do you like eggnog ? NoFavorite gift as a child ? Cabbage Patch KidsDo you have a nativity scene ? Yes - one the kids and I painted a few years ago . Hardest person to buy for ? Parents . Easiest person to buy for ? The kidsMail or e - mail christmas cards ? Mail - sometimes homemade or atleast the ones with pictures on them . Worst christmas gift you ever recieved ? a XXL red sweatshirt with penquins on it . My son really liked penquins and had to by it regardless of size or if I 'd like it . Favorite christmas movie ? Home AloneHave you ever recycled a gift ? Yes . Favorite thing to eat at christmas time ? CarmelsClear or colored lights on the tree ? Clear . Clear or colored lights on the house ? Clear . Favorite christmas song ? Silent NightTravel @ christmas time or stay home ? Stay home with the family . Can you name all santas reindeer ? Only if I am singing the song . Open presents on christmas eve or christmas day ? Christmas day . Most annoying thing about this time of year ? Rude people driving and at the mall . Favorite ornament theme or color ? Silver and RedWhat do you want for christmas this year ? I am getting a new cell phone . What is your favorite christmas memory ? Going to Children 's Mass then back to my grandparent 's house to eat and open gifts . The whole family was there and it was great . I tag : Mary and Heidi ! I just found out that mom is going to have her port - a - cath removed from her chest tomorrow . . . Its supposed to be an easy surgery , but I am still worried . I hate thinking of her going through everything . If everything goes well , she will start radiation the first week of January . Its 30 treatments , M - F for 6 weeks . Very aggressive , but she said she 'd rather do that then chemo ! Keep her in your prayers ! Three years ago this past October , my daughter got a strange lump on the side of her neck , under her jaw . I took her to the doctor who sent us to an ENT who sent us for testing ( CT , MRI , blood work etc ) and ended up doing a lymph node biopsy . It ended up not being Hodgkin 's Lymphoma as they thought it may have been but an infection in her salvia gland . They treated her with antibiotics … and it didn 't come back for about 6 months … then again in 3 months … then monthly . There was even a time that she was on antibiotics 2x in a month for the same thing . It started out on her right side and now both sides are affected . She has gone down to Primary Children 's for a Sialogram twice . I asked about removing the gland and was told there runs a chance of nerve damage and facial paralysis , as well as a big scar so he didn 't want to do . I even took her to a chiropractor for a while who said her axis was off line so he adjusted her and she was good for about 9 months then it started again . Since then , that chiro is no longer on my insurance so we went to another one and it didn 't work this time … she swelled right up again within 3 wks . I am frustrated beyond belief . Her poor little face swells up , sometimes so bad that it squishes up her eye . She can 't open her mouth to chew anything so she is pretty much on a liquid diet . Hot compresses and sour candy don 't help anymore . During our last ENT appointment he said that we have done everything we can and our next option would be to remove the gland . There is risk involved as I mentioned before so I told him I wanted to think about it and he said to call him back in 3 months . Well , yesterday she called me from school and said her lump is back and she has yucky stuff in her mouth and she thinks she is gonna throw up . I went to pick her up and filled her prescription . I then called the Dr saying I want to have the surgery scheduled . They called me back today and said he wants to see her again on Thursday to discuss options . Hell , I thought we are out of options ! ! I havPosted by Kim asked " What are your family 's traditions ? To add … as a child and / or as an adult and not just at Christmas . " Some of my family traditions as a child were : * going to the children 's service at church then over to my grandparents on Christmas Eve . * having all my cousins and family over for Easter and my aunt would wrap gifts in different paper and she would give us a scrap of that paper and a color and we had to go out in the yard to find our gifts / eggs . ( That way no one fought over things , they were already assigned ) * Sunday dinners with the whole family at my grandparent 's house . * going to Indianapolis over Christmas break to stay with my cousins and going to whatever Disney movie that was just released . Some of my family traditions as an adult are : * having the kids put their shoes out for St Nick on Dec 5th so when they wake up on the 6th they are filled with treats . * doing Thanksgiving dinner on the Sunday before Thanksgiving so everyone doesn 't have to rush around to multiple houses and we can enjoy our time together more . * going to the Hogle Zoo on Easter . * going to the children 's service at church on Christmas Eve . And something new we just started was Tuesday night dinner with my parents . Normally we spend a good part of the weekend at my parent 's house but when my mom had chemo on Thursdays she didn 't feel up to visitors but she wanted to make sure she saw the kids at east 1x a week so we go over there on Tuesdays for dinner now . Bryan always goes to his brother 's house to drink and play games on New Years Eve , so that will be a new tradition for me . This year ( although we aren 't supposed to ) we will have my kids with us , so I am packing up some kids games , PJ 's , and sleeping bags and taking them with us for a sleepover . Let me just take a moment to tell you I have the greatest best friend ever . My BFF 's name is Blake . We met right after I was made a coach at AOL . He was terrified to be on my team , our first conversations were about colonoscopies , and here we are years later . . . and he is a part of my family . Blake house - sits , dog - sits , and baby - sits for me , my parents , my aunt . . . He is with us on holidays and family events . He goes shopping at Victoria 's Secret , fixes computers , and has the hook up with car repair . I talked Blake out of marrying someone I didnt think was right for him ( and he continually thanks me for this ! ) , I talked about him on my first date with Bryan b / c if someone I was dating wasnt ok with my best friend being a boy , the dating would end there . Luckily for me , Blake and Bryan have formed a friendship now and I am able to have both my boys around all the time . Being the funny person I am , I made a " date my friend " posting on Craig 's List a while back . . . until he made me take it down b / c someone figured out it was him . He is so supportive of what my mom is going through and has spent money and time to support the cure for breast cancer . He is someone I can tell anything to . . . someone I can just hang out with and will go to chick flicks with ( although , the last one showed a Irish guys ass so I had to make up for it with something with girls in a hot tub ) . . . someone I like to go get a drink with just to take a break from life . My life is definately better for having Blake in it and I wanted to take a moment to tell everyone he is a wonderful friend ! Posted by 20 years ago : 1 . I was 10 yrs old . 2 . It was my last Christmas with my Nannie3 . I lived in South Bend Indiana10 years ago : 1 . I was working at AOL2 . I was living in South Ogden , Utah3 . I was married5 years ago : 1 . I was living in Roy Utah2 . I got really sick , but thankfully made a full recovery . 3 . I had 2 kids3 years ago : 1 . I was divorced2 . I was spending the holidays with my ex - boyfriend 's family , who I adored . 3 . My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer . 1 year ago : 1 . I was living in North Ogden UT2 . I had my first Christmas morning alone3 . I met Bryan on Dec 28 . . . who would have thought we are where we are today ? So far this year : 1 . I got married2 . I got another tattoo3 . Survived a layoff ( although still nervous ) Yesterday : 1 . I got my nails done2 . Went out with my brother and his girlfriend . who is also one of my best friends ! 3 . Did some Christmas shoppingToday : 1 . I went to church2 . Threatened all the boys b / c they drank my diet pepsi3 . On my way to get sushiTomorrow : 1 . Go to work2 . Do homework with my kids3 . Make dinnerNext year : 1 . I will go back to Bible Camp2 . Hopefully lose weight3 . Continue to love the man I married . I tag : Amy and Monica ! ! Shane asks " Tell us about your most - memorable childhood Christmas . " I am not sure I have a memorable one specifically . I think its a lot of little bits and pieces from multiple Christmases . As a child : * Getting to be Mary in the play . I sang a solo . * Opening presents at my Grandparent 's house , after we snooped and saw a lot of them . * Getting a Cabbage Patch Kid * Going skiing on Christmas afternoon . As an adult : * My first Christmas married ( to the ex ) - how thankful I was that they made their plans around me going to Mass . * The Christmases with the kids when they were old enough to start unwrapping gifts . They were so much fun and more interested in the paper and boxes than the toys . * A sleepover with my ex boyfriend 's family on Christmas Eve . . . the whole family camped out in every spare inch of the house . Drank and played games all night . * Last Christmas . . . when I was alone and my kids were with their dad . My best friend planned for us to go to breakfast together on Christmas morning so that I was with someone . . . and invited my parents along . It was a very special thing to me . This year will be my first Christmas as a Williams . I look forward to having all 3 kids with us on Christmas Eve and morning . We are going to Children 's Service at church on Christmas Eve and breakfast with my family before the kids all go to their other parent 's houses . I have had a white bump in the corner of my eye for years . . . didnt think alot about it , it was small and didnt hurt so I never said anything . In the past 6 months , it began itching and driving me nuts . It must have gotten bigger b / c people will say " You 've got something there in the corner of your eye " , only for me to reply " its not an eye booger , calm down " . Even had someone try to rub it away for me once . When I went in for my physical , I mentioned it to my dr . She said warm compresses and eye drops . She said its not a stye , its a chalazion ( ? ) . If it doesnt go away or keeps bothering me , I should go to an opthamologist . Little while more , nothing is helping . . . its still itching , so I found an opthamologist on my insurance and made a call . Ends up he is right down the street from daycare . When I made my appointment . I asked if they will do anything during that appointment or if I need to talk to him and then come back . The receptionist said he would just do a consultation that day . Well . . . the receptionist lied . However , I didnt know that until I had picked my kids up from daycare , went to the appointment , got the kids settled in the waiting room doing homework as I went back to talk to the dr . He said it 's not a chazalion - whatever . . . its a cyst . Said its not cancerous so we dont have to take it out . . . but b / c its bothersome , he would recommend it . Ok , great . I looked at my phone to see what day I had taken off from work next week to Christmas shop so I could schedule my appointment . Uh , no . He wanted to do it right then . Well , my PCP said he would rub some numbing meds on it and then have a small scaple that would just knick it and it would come out , no pain involved . . . so I figured it would be ok . People failed to tell me eye drops , needles , and razor blades would be included . I am going to spare you all the terrible details . . . and just end this with saying moments of unconciousness and puke were involved . Because I didnt plan for this ahead of time , and no one would answer their freaking phones , and my children arPosted by I was off from last Wednesday until Sunday . It was a nice break . On Wednesday I got my hair done , took Ty to the dentist , and then we met Bryan for lunch . The kids went to their dad 's that afternoon and Bryan and I went to dinner with my parents at City Club . Love their wings ! On Thursday , we slept in until like 11am … watched the parade on TV . Then we went to get my kids , drove to SLC to get Taylor , and then went to Bryan 's brother 's house . We ate dinner there and played games . Friday , I got up to go to a yoga class . It was a free yoga weekend and I haven 't ever been so wanted to try it . It was a 90 min class and it kicked my ass . I was so exhausted afterwards . She told me to drink a lot of water the rest of the day , but I didn 't drink enough b / c I ended up with a headache from hell and went to bed around 6pm . Saturday we had Taylor until about 2pm so we just hung out around the house , went to lunch with my parents . That night we went to the light parade in Ogden . It was a beautiful night and the kids had fun . Sunday Bryan didn 't feel well so I tried to keep the kids out of the house so he could rest . We went to church in the morning , ran errands , and ate lunch with my parents . I worked on making some Christmas cards … JoAnn Fabrics had 40 % off all stamping stuff , wahoo ! I had a good weekend hanging out with my little family and am very thankful for my many blessings .
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Perhaps the Winter Solstice wasn 't the longest night in our personal 2012 . Maybe it was when a loved one died , when a child was sick , when a relationship withered , when something precious was lost or broken . For the residents of Newtown , their longest night came a full week before the official astronomical event . The wisdom and the comfort of the Winter Solstice is that it 's nature 's own reminder of the intimacy of light and dark - - like the front and back foot in walking , says Sekito 's poem . We 'd find it silly to believe that only the front foot makes progress , especially since the propulsion and momentum come from the back foot . Just so , our lives don 't move at all unless light and dark are both present , waxing and waning to their own rhythm regardless of our calendared highs and lows . Zen Master Dōgēn said not to call winter the beginning of spring . But maybe he was wrong . For as much as winter 's long night connotes death and decay , it also invites rest and surrender to the nourishment of the dark , rich earth - - without which spring 's exuberant creativity couldn 't happen at all . Posted by My father died suddenly this week . There 's nothing like a heart - wrenching change in our personal universe to test our practice . The next morning , I had made a dozen calls by 9 : 00 a . m . I spent almost an hour on hold with various agencies . Kinda hard to muster up loving kindness , compassion , sympathetic joy and ( especially ) patience while those utterly annoying hold tunes are repeating for the umpteenth time , loudly . ( I 'll never understand why the funeral home 's hold music was heavy metal . ) But at the end of each hold , the person who took my call was , without exception , kind , compassionate , sympathetic ( sans joy , of course ) and patient . And in their practice , I found my own . They were generous - the foremost perfection ( paramita ) - in the way that is most helpful : they gave me courage not to soldier on , but to feel what I was feeling . They met me there , every one of them . The Catholic priest who happened to be the only chaplain on duty at the hospital when I arrived , fresh off the plane with my luggage still in tow , looked me in the eyes not as we normally do in conversation , but in a way that reached all the way to my heart . I told him I was a Zen priest . He responded just above a whisper , " Then you know how to do this . " Ours is an all - the - time practice . Not just for when things are hard , or easy . Not just for those times when we can find our breath . I 've forgotten how to breathe many times in the past few days , mostly because my heart can 't stand to have anything going on around it right now . I 'm not capable of zazen at the moment . But that 's OK . I don 't have to do the practice , because I 've discovered that the practice is doing me . It 's right here . It doesn 't leave . It doesn 't judge . It doesn 't fix . It just holds me . And if I 've learned nothing else in 20 years of practice , I now know that I 've learned to surrender fully to that embrace , and therein find the generosity to look death in the face and see it for what it is . Posted by continuously for half an hour , calling them to feast . We read their names . All for the sake of a fairy tale , befitting Halloween . They aren 't really here , these hungry not fighting the habits , yet not submitting to their demands . And at some point , the soundtrack softens , grows quiet , listens . At some point , we discover Much of my first week as Ino has been delightfully consumed with training students on the drums , bells and vocals that attune us ( literally ) to the rhythm of our sitting and service . There are religions of melody and religions of harmony , and from my perspective , Buddhism falls in the latter category . Indeed , the Sanskrit word sama , translated in English as " right " ( as in the Eight - Fold Path of right speech , right action , etc . ) actually means " in tune . " To harmonize , to align , to resonate . These are the qualities of the bells , drums and voices that come forth in our service . Even after more than 20 years in this practice , I still break out in a smile when the assembly begins a chant somewhat tentatively , on a range of oft - discordant notes , and then suddenly without effort finds a common pitch and well - tuned harmonies - even among people who are dissonant for the rest of the day . There is hope in those moments , an unspoken pull toward resonance that trumps the separate self . How interesting that we so deeply fear losing our self , yet we come to harmony so quickly in chant , willing to give up our own pitch - position for the reward of being in tune . No need for everyone to be on the same note - - harmony has a better chance of finding more matching frequencies from which we say , " Ah , yes , that 's my note ! I can belong . I can be at home with the song in my heart . " It seems a long time ago now that Dana , then the Secretary , asked me if I would take on the blog as part of my responsibilities as ino . She is gone now , back to the market - place ; there is a new Abbess , a new tanto , and everyone else on the senior staff that I started with has rotated to a different job in this period of time . That is the way of things at Zen Center . This morning I put on my robes and went down to the zendo for the first time this week . Even though the schedule was optional for residents this morning , we had a good turn - out for the Full Moon Ceremony in the Buddha Hall after zazen . I had asked Martha several times before to be kokyo , and it had never worked out , so I was glad that she made her debut this time , for the blue moon ; her voice sang out across the room strongly and vividly . I sat one last time in the ino 's seat for the 9 : 25 period - I was going to say , enjoying sitting with all the Saturday regulars , but actually there were a number of new faces today ; perhaps some of these are going to be the new regulars . Rosalie had told me she was going to get up at the end of lecture to say something about it being my last day , and she did - apparently it went out on the Livestream as well if you want to hear what she said . I have noticed before that she always has a good knack of finding the right things to say about people , pinpointing particular qualities that stand out and bringing them to light . My karma is such that I found it more embarrassing to be standing there on the receiving end of these glowing words than just to be there making anouncements , but I felt warmly held and appreciated by everyone in the room ; there was also applause , which is most unusual in those surroundings . There is a ceremony in one of the folders on the computer for the ino transition , which we have sometimes used ; mostly it is a jundo and an invitation for the new ino to take the seat . The timing being what it is , I don 't think we are going to do it this time . I will however make a transition right here after I have posted this : I will transfer the administrative control for the blog away from my log - in , and leave it in Valorie 's hands . At times , and not just now at the end of my tenure , I have looked around and thought that the most tangible result of my time as ino will be that I got the bowing mat in the Buddha Hall replaced . It took more than a year to actually make it happen , but then I think it had been in need of doing for at least ten years . There are a few other material things that I can look around and think , I was at least partially the cause of this coming into being . For the non - tangible effects . . . " Usually , taking a vow is like making a promise : if we don 't keep it , we feel bad , or fear that we might be punished . But vow in Buddism is not like that . It 's not something we do with our intellect or shallow emotion . We vow toward the Buddha , toward something absolute and infinite . As a bodhisattva , we can never say , ' I have achieved all vows ' . We cannot be proud of our achievements , because in comparison to the infinite , anything we achieve is insignificant . Each of us has different capabilities of course . If we cannot do very much , we practice just a little . There is no reason for us to feel small or to say we 're sorry . We just try to be right there with this body and mind and move forward one step or half a step . This is our practice in a concrete sense . Katagiri Roshi used the expression ' living in vow ' because it sounds natural in English . I like ' living by vow ' , perhaps because D . T . Suzuki has this expression in his book Living by Zen . In the Japanese translation of this book , he says something like , ' All living beings are living in Zen , but only human beings can live by Zen ' . Saying that all living beings - dogs , cats , plants , flowers - are living in Zen doesn 't mean they abide in meditation or samadhi , but rather that they are living the reality of life as it is , or tathata in Sanskrit . Everything lives in the reality of life , in Zen ; but only human beings have to make a conscious effort to do so . We devote ourselves to the study and practice of Zen , and consciously live by Zen . As Suzuki says , only human beings do this , but that doesn 't mean we are superior to other beings . Because of our doubts and delusions we cannot simply live in reality . We have to consciously return to reality and make an effort to live on that basis . " Typically for interim week , it has been very quiet on the work front - our staff meeting lasted just an hour , and I didn 't have more than a couple of emails all afternoon . All of this has left me plenty of time to be cleaning up the ino 's office . When I started in the position , I made a point of going through all the closets and filing cabinets to see what was there , and to have things organised in a way that made sense to me . There was stuff I intended to take further care of - for instance , pruning the contents of the filing cabinets , so that we just had one copy of sesshin schedules from ten years ago rather than eight - but then this tended to sit on my long to - do list , pushed to the background by more pressing needs on my time and energy . Now I can finally turn to them and leave things the way I would have liked them to have been all along - I could tolerate the messiness for myself , but would not wish to bequeath it to Valorie . Kind of like decorating a house before you sell it ; the new owners may still come in and do it over , but at least you have the satisfaction of having made the effort , even if you don 't get to enjoy the fruits of it for yourself . One final round of sky pictures , to note the improved weather compared to the last sequence . There is a sweet kind of irony in the fact of my last week as ino being interim ; usually I welcome these weeks as a chance to recharge my batteries in the midst of the ongoing schedule . This time I have some free time ahead , and one or two people have suggested I should be wanting to cherish being in the ino seat for these last few days . Nevertheless I am enjoying some additional sleep , and will be devoting the extra time to making sure I have a lot of loose ends sorted out for Valorie not to have to deal with . A last offering from Dogen 's Genjo Koan , Three Commentaries - Uchiyama Roshi 's look at the final paragraph of the fascicle , which starts : " Zen master Baoche of Mount Mayu was fanning himself . A monk approached and said , ' Master , the nature of wind is permanent and there is no place it does not reach . Why , then do you fan yourself ? ' ' Although you understand that the nature of wind is permanent ; ' Baoche replied , ' you do not understand the meaning of its reaching everywhere . ' ' What is the meaning of its reaching everywhere ? ' asked the monk again . The master just kept fanning himself . The monk bowed deeply . " " This is a very simple story that we can understand without much explanation . Although the wind - nature is ever present in heaven and earth , if we don 't use a fan , the wind is not actualized . If we don 't use a fan , we don 't have wind . I would like to use another example . We human beings can be physically alive precisely because we breathe a breath each moment , right now , right here . If we think that because we breathed a lot in the past , we don 't need to breathe right now , we will die . In the same way , if we think that because we practised a lot and attained enlightenment in the past , we don 't need to practise anymore , such enlightenment is already dead . Living enlightenment is the same as breathing each moment ; we arouse bodhi - mind , moment by moment , billions of times , and practice right now and right here . This is called shusho - ichinyo ( practice and verification are one ) or shojo - no - shu ( practice / enlightenment . This is the way life is . " When Alan and Danny first proposed the Revelation Zen evening as part of the Soundwave Festival , there was a concern that we didn 't simply replicate the Bold Italic evening , although from our side of things , that was always going to be our reference point . It was another occasion to open the doors of City Center to people who don 't usually come - and I heard several people saying that they lived in the neighbourhood but had never made it through the front door - and to open up our activities in a less formal and forbidding way and in completely different contexts . I was only peripherally involved in terms of organising ; this meant I wasn 't particularly stressed about Saturday rolling around , but I was busy all afternoon helping carry , fetch and find - tables , extension cords , the usual little things . It was almost a surprise when at 5 : 30 a steady line of people started flowing through the front door . Even more surprising was how quiet everyone was - at least until the music started . We had a full Buddha Hall by the time we had got through the introductions , and David led some zazen , which segued into Marielle 's performance . She started with the big bell , worked the recordings of the bell in , and then moved onto violin , with harmonies building from the deep bass resonance of the bell . I had tipped Keith off , and he was sitting right next to the bell to get the feel of it , his hands cupped around a blown - up latex glove , which I guess was standing in for a balloon as a vibration detector ( just visible in the photo below ) . It is always interesting to watch our expectations get confounded . This was my last weekday morning sitting in the ino seat in the zendo , so I wanted it to be a nice calm and spacious time . Instead , my alarm clock didn 't go off , so I was a little groggy and rushed , the emergency light right above my head in the zendo started to flash in an unusual way , there was a smoke detector beeping periodically in the hallway somewhere , and I was handed a note that the shoten wasn 't feeling well , so I had to think about a replacement . It was also my last time bringing out the tsui - ching . Naturally I was thinking back to my first time with it , when we entered Liping as the shuso ( I wasn 't writing the blog then , but I reflected on it a year later ) . Today as well I reminded myself not to be in a rush , as we said goodbye to Konin ( not for the first time , as I find this , looking for the other posts I am linking to , which also has a fuller description of the ceremony ) . She being quite adept , we had not discussed the form for the ceremony ahead of time , and I noticed I was a little disappointed when I came back round to the tsui - ching after the jundo to find she had turned to face Blanche . Normally , making the announcement face to face is the strongest part of the ceremony for me . My voice , which can range between fierce ( my impression anyway ) and soft ( how I remember it with Roxie , for instance ) , seemed plain straight - forward this time . Vicki asked the questions , which Konin handled deftly , and Blanche gave the stirring goodbyes for us . " According to the Zen tradition , when Shakyamuni Buddha attained enlightenment , he said , ' I , the great earth , and sentient beings simultaneously attained the Way ; mountains , rivers , grass , and trees have all become Buddha . ' In the Lotus Sutra , there is an expression , ' Ten directions are all within Buddha 's land . ' The Kanmuryojo - kyo ( Sutra of Seeing Infinite Life , one of the three major sutras of Pure Land Buddhism ) says , ' The light of the Tathagatha of Infinite Life ( Amitabha ) embraces all living beings without rejecting any . ' We have already been enlightened by Shakyamuni Buddha , and are from the beginning in the hands of Amitabha Buddha , who saves all living beings without exception . This is not a matter of understanding it or not . Whether we know it or not , whether we say I don 't believe in Amitabha or not , it is true . It is not a problem . The light of Amitabha embraces all living beings whether we believe it or not . The reality of life or the ' Life of Buddha ' is thus . And yet , all of us think and measure and say , ' I don 't believe it . ' Don 't say such cheeky things ! The force which makes us think that our minds are great and makes us say such cheeky things itself wells up from the power of Amitabha or the ' Life of Buddha ' . We must deeply understand that whether we think so or not , believe it or not , understand it or not , venerate it or not , accept it or reject it , in whatever conditions , we are living out the formless reality of life prior to its division into dichotomies " - Kosho Uchiyama , Dogen 's Genjo Koan , Three Commentaries . There have been a number of trainings in diversity and multi - cultural awareness in the years I have been at Zen Center . One exercise I remember particularly well had all the participants lined up on one side of the room . Each time a category was announced , members of the dominant , privileged group stepped forward , members of the less privileged group stepped back . I ended up a long way forward : white , male , middle class , heterosexual , English as a first language . The only backward step I needed to take was as a first - generation immigrant , though , with the cushioning of the above categories , this barely qualifies me as oppressed . That said , I always felt lucky to have lived and worked in London where I did ; the World Service is pretty much the most culturally diverse work - place you could find . For ten years , I worked , ate , drank and partied with colleagues who came from forty or more countries - the only place I have ever been that topped that was the United Nations canteen in New York . The area I lived in was also racially mixed , lower - middle class in those days , now rather gentrified by all accounts . When I moved to San Francisco , I was quite shocked at what I perceived to be the cultural and racial divides that surrounded me - not to mention dismayed at the conversations about capital punishment , gun laws and abortion rights . I felt I had stepped back a couple of generations . Zen Center , along with other sanghas in America , has been historically very white ; there has been , and continues to be , an effort to be more welcoming , more inclusive , more diverse . We are not there yet . I take a glimmer of hope from the fact that the members of Young Urban Zen come a little closer to representing the general demographics of the city , but there is still a lot of work for everybody to do . So why I am writing about this ? A couple of my sangha friends , who work more deeply on these issues , forwarded me this piece , written after the anniversary events . I had responses to different points the author brings up , which I recognised were largely driven by defensiveness . I sat with that for a while , and then articulated them to those friends . One of them then sent me a link to this , which , along with Mushim 's talk last week , has helped triangulate the conversation in a way that turned my defensiveness more towards gratitude that people are able to bring forward their stories . I was glad to be reminded that I need to listen . It is a question of mindfulness , remembering not to fall into complacency , and , here just as in other areas of life and practice , to be able to hold deeply the simultaneous understanding of difference and sameness within the whole working of reality . It seems that these days most of the things I hear and study are pointing in the same direction : ' awakening moment by moment to the reality of life prior to the separation between dichotomies ' , as Uchiyama Roshi expresses it , or ' mind and dharma are one reality ' , or ' nowhere - else mind ' as I think Baker Roshi put it in his talk . Part of me starts to think , " I wish I had heard this when I started to practise " , but probably I did hear it ; the teaching has not changed in that time , but my way of relating to it and absorbing it certainly has . I think of some of the things I used to discuss with Paul when I first started meeting him twelve years ago , and some of the things we discuss now , and it is clear that we focus on different things as we continue to practise . As Dogen puts it in the Genjo Koan , " you see and understand only what your eye of practice can reach " , and part of the teacher 's job is to meet you at that level . I have been thinking about the phrase ' luminous mirror wisdom ' that we use quite often , in terms of the wisdom to be just a mirror . I was reading a blog post the other day where the author was grappling with rationality , mind , and reality : " And if all the thoughts and stories in your head - as Zen seems to suggest - are equally meaningless , then so are thoughts about Zen and the thoughts of Zen . Of course , that is a conclusion that most Zen masters would willingly accept , but it leaves them in a dangerous place , where anything can be said because everything is equally senseless . And that seems to bring Zen perilously close to nihilism , an association that [ D . T . ] Suzuki is eager to fend off . It 's true , he says , that Zen declares that everything is empty , but what emerges when that is realized is joy in the present moment . But isn 't joy in the present moment empty too , bringing us back to nihilism ? " These are deep things to be grappling with ; the way I feel this in my life now is that awareness of emptiness does not lead to nihilism , but rather a rootedness in unrootedness . There are no ' stable individual identities ' as the author understands and accepts , and being able to accord with this reality does bring a certain ease and joy , which is ' empty ' only in the sense it does not have a stable inherent existence , and which is often countered by the stuff our brains starts coming up with to assert otherwise . So which do we trust ? The longer I practise , the less I try to listen to constructs of the mind . ' Thoughts about Zen ' are basically meaningless ; nonetheless they do exist as part of the reality we are experiencing . The trick is being comfortable with both of these things at the same time . Previously Dogen Zenji said , ' Conveying oneself toward all things to carry out practice - enlightenment is delusion ' . Although the self is originally living the all - interpenetrating self , my brain produces all kinds of non - interpenetrating thoughts . Thoughts well up such as : ' I want money ! ' ' I want sex , ' ' I want a higher position ! ' and so on . When we are pulled by such thoughts secreted from our brain , that is certainly delusion . And yet , even though such thoughts are delusions , the fact that delusive thoughts come up is nothing other than a function of the reality of life connecting with heaven and earth . ' To study the Budda Way is to study the self ' means that we should study the self , which includes all heaven and earth . Concretely speaking , we should accept everything as the contents of our ' self ' . We should meet everything as a part of ourselves . ' To study the self ' means to awaken to such a self . For instance , many people visit my house or write me letters . Many of these people talk or write about their troubles and anguish and ask for my advice . I never feel troubled by such requests . As soon as I am asked about such troubles , they become my own . I meet people and problems in such a way . As long as I have such an attitude , these problems are my own . And they enrich my life . If I reject other people 's problems saying , ' That 's not my business ' , my life becomes poorer and poorer . Therefore , to meet everything , without exception , as part of my life is most essential to the Buddha Way . This is what Dogen Zenji meant by saying , ' To study the Budda Way is to study the self ' " . When people start to practise , they inevitably put a certain amount of energy on getting the forms right ; more or less , depending on their character . It is easy to get obsessed about forms , or neurotic about them , or casual or even repulsed by them . Eventually people usually settle down into a more or less mindful relationship with them . I think I have remarked before that I was very big on getting forms right , both when I started , and when I lived at Tassajara ; I think it had less to do with wanting to be praised , or not wanting to be corrected or to stand out , as I have heard others mention , but more to demonstrate that I could absorb the information and remember it . I am sure I have also written here that I had expected to spend time as ino reinforcing the correct way , which has not turned out to be the case . I have simply not wanted to play ' bad cop ' all the time , calling people out and wagging fingers at them , and since there are always going to be people who haven 't mastered every intricacy , I have been much more laissez - faire than I would have thought possible . Now , if you are not a form geek , feel free to skim rapidly over the next few paragraphs . If you like minutiae , here goes : there are two ways a priest can turn away from the altar after offering incense - clockwise and anti - clockwise . I saw both done before I was ordained , and found the anti - clockwise one more elegant ; part of the reasoning behind that way is that you are keeping your right shoulder to the Buddha as you turn , which is something we read about in the sutras - I don 't know the exact rationale , but it was definitely a mark of respect , and to digress slightly , it may be tied in with the reason that okesas are worn over the left shoulder only : baring the right shoulder means that you are ready to help , literally you are able to lend a hand , since your right hand is not encumbered ( though as an oppressed left - handed person I would beg to differ on that one ) . In any case , at City Center the priests turn clockwise , and Greg asked me to do the same after he had seen me doing the other way at evening service a few times . Clockwise is the Eiheiji style , and as Blanche often remarks in such discussions , Suzuki Roshi was an Eiheiji monk . Counter - clockwise is the Sojiji style ( I will not digress as to the relative importance of the two head temples of Soto Zen in Japan , but I am sure you can look it up if you are interested ) , and Reb introduced this form , along with one or two other Sojiji forms , some time ago for reasons I have not heard ; this means that his priests at Green Gulch have adopted the form as well . I was able to let go of my preference in this case , and follow the family style . Funnily enough , Konin and I had recently been having a little debate about another priest form : I picked up from Paul the habit of pulling up not just my okesa , but also my koromo before I sit down on a cushion ; since I recently wore a hole in the kimono I received at my tokudo , I was talking with her about getting a replacement from Japan . She did not think much of this form , saying she had been trained differently . And then I saw that Baker Roshi also pulled up his koromo so that he sat on his kimono only . Since we all happened to be in the lobby after dinner on Tuesday , I asked Baker Roshi if he had picked up this form from Suzuki Roshi . Oh yes , he replied , everybody in Japan does that - Konin begged to differ . As I sat down at the bell , I was remembering my session last year with the film crew , but this was much more relaxed , as the visuals were not important . Since we were focusing on sound , I got to focus on sound - the richness of the various combinations of high and low frequencies that each strike ( there are those here who don 't like this word in relation to how you interact with the bell , but it is a useful word nonetheless ) will provoke , letting my attention just follow them and relaxing with the wholeness of it . I also remembered my days on the doanryo at Tassajara , when we would be encouraged to sit at the bell and sound it as many times as we wanted , to get used to its properties . Ahead of the weekend , a few people had asked me what a zen party was like . The answer is , of course , I don 't know . But we threw a pretty good one on Saturday night . None of the ceremonies were complicated or unusual , but the whole set - up was unique . I found myself on the raised area around the altar at Sokoji with Sojun Mel the doshi ; four abbots and the four Zen Center officers as the ryoban ; the jisha , doan and fukudo . Luckily I could hide behind a pillar while the statements were going on , but as kokyo , I had to step forward for the ekos ; Steve had written them in a way that made them very easy to articulate , and my voice felt okay - I got a compliment from Baker Roshi as we made our way out at the end of that ceremony . I was supposed to be helping marshal the procession into place , but it was always going to be a fairly fluid affair . We filled the sidewalk for a whole block , and once we got going , people were mingling with who they wanted to for much of the time . We intrigued and bemused some of our Western Addition neighbours as we made our way down the hill with a police car and motorbike holding the cross street traffic for us . It was a lovely sunny day , and I think people were enjoying being part of such an unusual spectacle . We ended up with some final short speeches in the dining room , with a huge spread of Greens food waiting patiently for us to finish . I had arranged to meet a friend in the afternoon , so I took a little break , but then had to clean up all the ceremonial things afterwards , before afternoon zazen and Young Urban Zen in the evening . I was pretty wiped out after all of that , and while zazen was optional for residents this morning , I felt I should get up to make sure the zendo was open , so I am still feeling pretty wiped out . But this has been , I think , my final big hurrah as ino , and I am very glad to have been so involved in it .
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Derin reached the edge of forest and entered the clearing . No one , not even the badger , was there . He looked to the sky but it was grey and empty . The raven had disappeared from view . The boy thought about the past twelve hours , wondering what had brought him to this point . He felt he had the beginning pieces of a puzzle , only the vaguest outline , and it nagged him as a splinter does when it slips more deeply into a finger . He gathered his few belongings and put them in his knapsack . His woolen blanket . The carved stone , his talisman ; his leather boots . He pulled the knife out of its deerskin sheath and ran his thumb along the finely edged bone of the blade , wondering if he would use it in ways he never had before . He picked up the two gourds he had played with as a child , the rattles Matthew had made for him , and he smiled as he let them drop . They would be of no use to him where he was going . Where was he going ? He knew as much about the meadowlands as anyone who lived there , but only recently had he given any thought to what might lie beyond . Beyond lay the Outer Lands . From what Matthew had told him , they were nothing like this . But had the satyr ever been there himself ? He pushed the last of his shirts into the knapsack and took off for Matthew 's granite ledge . When he arrived , the small clearing was empty , though the smell of goat hung in the air . Where was he ? Above the boy , the day seemed a well - worn piece of cloth he could put his finger through . The light was furred almost , feathered . He though of Deirdre headed out over that dismal landscape , tried to imagine it for himself . There were mountains , he knew , and a long stretch or arid waste , but these were things which had only been described to him , and they were as unclear in his mind as the owl was . Tell me that again after you 've seen him , Deirdre had said . He remembered the wind of the previous evening , how it had surrounded him , rushing toward the center of the meadow from the periphery of trees , how it had left him in total darkness , blinded . He sat there , waiting for his friend , as the day seeped away entirely , and he imagined , his skin tingling , the faraway sound of a whirlwind churning across the forest , sweeping birds and animals , trees and bushes , into its hollow fist . Matthew plunged through the forest wildly . His headache was gone , and this impetuous rush made him forget the raven , the boy , the journey before him . He was agile , graceful , dodging branches which loomed suddenly out of the air , threatening to brain him . Leaves whirled by , a tunnel of green . He loved to run like this , unfettered , with no destination , through the obstacle course altered by each change of direction . He was used to surprising the animals of the woodlands , but today he saw no other creature , not even a squirrel or bird . He stopped , exhausted , and leaned heavily against a hickory , rubbing his back on the coarse bark . Sweat streamed down the sides of his face . He lowered himself onto the expanse of moss at the hickory 's base , flung his fleeced legs in front of him , and closed his eyes . The only sound he heard was his own panting . There was no wind , no chatter , no song . He felt the muscles in his neck tense ; the silence was odd indeed . Everything had changed . He took a deep breath . The sweet fragrance he had reveled in the previous evening was missing ; the air itself was stale . Even the moss below him seemed rougher , its sheen tarnished . If the raven were telling the truth , there would be no escape from this degeneration . All the running in the world would only bring him full circle , back to this realization . Who was this feathered braggadocio , wanting to rule the world ? Matthew ruled the meadowlands - everyone knew that . The thought of its decline filled him with fury . But the owl was strong enough , perverse enough to kidnap the moon . He began walking back toward the granite overhang . Though he knew he had no choice , the idea of the journey he was about to undertake , necessary as it might be , angered him . He hated responsibility . It had been fourteen years since the hooded creature had forced the baby upon him , a burden he neither wanted nor graciously accepted . He 'd known nothing of infants , their squalls of rage , their sudden fevers , and he 'd resented the attention the little creature needed . Fascinated by its grasping hands , its toes , its hairless skin with a smell like sun ind windblown water , he 'd still felt cramped , walled in by its relentless demands . He 'd been given no choice - either abandon the infant to a certain death , or attend to him the best he could . Derin had thrived , had grown as tall as Matthew , and sullen . Now , as the stranger foretold , a messenger had arrived from the Outer Lands , calling the boy home . He walked until he reached the Rock , a protrusion of granite and shale , its natural steps leading to a pinnacle which cleared the highest branches of the forest . He scrambled up the Rock 's side until he stood at the top . The wind was strong there , and he faced it , a lone figure brooding over the trees . If someone had seen him , they might have mistaken him for a natural outcropping of the Rock itself . Matthew stood until the wind pulled water from his eyes . The sky overhead was dense and wooly , like the backs of sheep in winter , and clouds could could be seen moving toward the west , unrolling in a single thick sheet from horizon to horizon as the air darkened . He remembered the stormy night he 'd been summoned by a great blue heron from the swamp , who had guided him back to the banks of the Swollen River where the cloaked stranger had handed him the baby . He remembered Derin 's first illness as he lay , bundled in furs by the fire , the flames throwing orange wraiths against the treetrunks . He thought of how he 'd wished the baby would die so he 'd be freed of its hold over him , and then his relief , a surprise , when the fever broke . The memories flooding him were all of Derin 's anger ; the time he 'd broken through the thin ice on the pond ; the day he 'd fallen from the elm . The years had gone swiftly , running into one another like creeks in a spring thaw , until they roared along , a river which was today . The cold wind whipped from him any last vestige of illusion . The time has come for Derin to leave . It begun to rain , a fine rain which slanted from the east and struck his chest and legs like thousands of needles . Meager and cold as it was , he took it as a sign to go . He had hoped for something more particular , but he was not in a position to quibble . In leaps and bounds he reached the forest floor and headed for the overhang . By the time light first reached Deadwood Forest , the clearing was empty except for two ravens left to stand guard . The moon , though exhausted , was unable to sleep . The gag bit into her mouth and the effort of breathing filled her chest with pain . In the darkest hours of the night , after the animals had left , she had strained against the gag , pulling as much air as possible through it to keep her fire from going out She needed light to see by ; she was looking for an evenue of escape . But try as she might , she couldn 't find the slightest weak spot in the oaken fortress . She wondered where the owl had gone , would have considered asking one of the ravens if she had been able to talk . The forest lay below her and stretched in all directions as far as she could see . There was no sign of life , no bird song , no rustle in the underbrush , nothing but the two ravens who sat opposite her like stone totems . But most astonishing to her was the total absence of the color green . In the dark , she hadn 't been able to distinguish much except the clearing itself . Now , in the milky light of what seemed a very unpromising dawn , she could see beyond the clearing , but there was nothing to see . The few leaves on the bushes were brown and dry , and tree after tree lifted bare lifeless branches . There was no water anywhere . Season after season , year after year , the moon had watched the world below her change from spring to summer with its vibrant greens , to the fireworks of autumn and winter 's bare sticks . But here in the Deadwood Forest , the moon had the strange sensation that time has stopped . This was not a winter forest , holding deep in its sap the promise of another spring . If the trees here grew at all , they simply grew taller and more threatening , their branches spidering across a landscape like sudden jolt to clear ice . This thread of thought alarmed her . If there was no time , if it were fractured , she might never grow older , trapped in her cage . Things would always stay the way they were , and she would never be free . As she hung there , she waited impatiently for her sister , the sun , to appear . The sun could burn into this forest , remove the shadows . If need be , the sun could destroy this whole place with a well - aimed ray . What was this but a graveyard of trees and bushes ? The moon closed her eyes and began to wish . In her mind , she saw a huge conflagration , the flame reaching over the treetops , consuming them , their embers falling away , leaving an imprint on the air . She saw black billows of smoke obliterate the sky . She saw the spirits of birds and small animals ascend to heaven . And then , she saw herself , red - hot , glowing furiously , before she , too , crumbled into ashes and joined the general destruction on the forest floor . Well , she thought , if that is what it will take to be free , so be it . But as she waited for what seemed hours and hours , the sun did not appear . All was suffused with the same deadly pallor . Great round tears rolled down her face and soaked her gag so that the wretched linen began to cut even more deeply into the corners of her mouth . There seemed no end to this and no beginning . What light there was was simply light , nothing more , a poor separation of the great blanks known as day and night . " Boy . A boy , " the raven said , intrigued . " A new species to add to my life - list . I 'm pleased to make your acquaintance . I was wondering what happened to the fleece on your shanks and where you 'd misplaced your hooves . Never seen anything like you . " Derin blushed . " I 'm familiar with satyrs , of course , this one in particular , " the raven continued . " No shock of recognition in that horned head of yours ? Your name is - don 't tell me - Martin , Mason . . . . " " I 'm hurt you don 't remember . I used to ride your shoulder when I was a fledgling . You were decidedly rambunctious , years ago . " " I used to live here , you see , " the raven said . " I was kidnapped from this place a long time ago . One night I was awakened from sleep by a noise like rushing water . I was huddled with my parents on the limb of a beech , and they slept on while the noise grew louder . I hadn 't any idea what it was . I looked and saw a wall of darkness moving through the trees , and it seemed a waterfall but it was only wind . It picked up dirt and branches as it came until it was a landslide . My parents awoke , cawing , and we tried to fly , but it caught us and in that maelstrom were other animals , rabbits , and foxes , and all manner of birds . We rose in a black funnel . Over and over I tumbled until I lost my senses . When I came to , I was what seemed hundreds of miles west of here , in a place called the Deadwood Forest . " " There are some things one doesn 't forget , " Deirdre said heatedly . " There are times which live on in the memory with the vividness of dream so that life becomes a simultaneity of past and present . Both my parents died that night . I saw them drop through the whirlwind 's center , plummet to the ground . I remember every detail as if it were yesterday . I vowed then to avenge their deaths ; I have dedicated my life to that . " The satyr stared into the woodlands , as though looking for a particular tree , as though he could fasten his life there and keep it earthbound . " It was a terrible night , " he said . " Squirrels were taken , and ferrets . Foxes were thrown in the air like so many leaves . The wind stole every living raven from the meadowlands . The only ones left were dead or dying . I thought I 'd seen the very last of them . In the morning the ground was covered with bodies . The water in the brook ran blood red . " " But why go on in grisly detail ? " the raven asked brightly . " There ; s something of more immediate importance . " She paused , and her red eyes glittered . " The moon has been stolen from the sky . " " The Deadwood Forest is ruled by a great horned owl , " she said , " Fourteen years ago he sent the wind which brought us west . Last night he abducted the moon . Before I flew here , I went to the great sea cliffs where I was born , the cliffs still farther to the east . The ocean is still as a dead rat 's teeth , and the beach is littered with fish . The tides have ceased , and the vast hood of the sky is blank as snow . " " A week ago I would have said the moon could not be purloined from the sky , " the raven said . She was annoyed , her tone haughty . " But last night we were sent with a net . It was easier than you 'd imagine . " " Of course I was there , " she snapped . " What was I supposed to do ? Sometimes one has no choice . I 've lived in the Deadwood Forest nearlt all my life . " " Tell me that again after you 've seen him , " Deirdre said . A shiver shook her from the point of her sharp beak to the elegant wedge of her tailfeathers . " " He 's cold and analytic , diabolical , preternatural . He means to rule the night . For years he 's held the Outer Lands in his thrall . Now he 's stretching his talons still further . But enough of this . I didn 't come all these miles for the purpose of narrative exposition . " " You have come very far , " Matthew said . " At least a week 's journey . " He reached up and covered his eyes with his hands , as if he were waking from sleep . In his mind , he stood in last night 's forest as the pool of darkness gathered around his hooves . " By air , only six hours , " the ravel said dryly . " It is a hefty flight . Yes . I will take credit for that . Now pay attention . " The satyr bristled at her order . " Years ago , " Deirdre said , " when I was little - mind you , I 'm not prone to such emotional declarations - I admired you above all other creatures , excepting my parents . Because of those memories I 've come here today . You 've got to help . You 're the only one I can think of . You 've got to help me rescue the moon . You do understand how serious this is ? " " Of course , " Matthew said , angry . He could feel the blood rising in his face . " You hot - mouthed condescending little . . . . " But Deirdre cut him off . " Good , " she said . " I knew you would . Now I 've got to get back . I 'm afraid they 'll notice I 'm missing . The moon hangs incarcerated in a tree in the middle of the Deadwood Forest . I 'll be expecting you . " Without another word , she ascended into the air and vaulted like a meteor toward the west . " How do you like that ? " Matthew asked . " The nerve of that bird . Not so much as a by - your - leave . And last night I thought we were in for a heavy rain . "
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We recently moved into a new home that had little landscaping in the front and back yard . We knew the yard had potential , but it was pretty awful and downright unusable when it came to sitting out and enjoying the outdoors . Kevin and his We recently moved into a new home that had little landscaping in the front and back yard . We knew the yard had potential , but it was pretty awful and downright unusable when it came to sitting out and enjoying the outdoors . Kevin and his Thank you Nature 's Realm for giving us the outdoor space of our dreams ! Kevin and his crew transformed our pathetic patio backyard into a tranquil space with all of our favorite things . Kevin worked really hard to ensure our visions were Thank you Nature 's Realm for giving us the outdoor space of our dreams ! Kevin and his crew transformed our pathetic patio backyard into a tranquil space with all of our favorite things . Kevin worked really hard to ensure our visions were We have moved several times and have used many landscape designers / companies . I have never encountered anyone as thorough as Kevin at Nature 's Realm . He takes everything into consideration when coming up with the design - from sun We have moved several times and have used many landscape designers / companies . I have never encountered anyone as thorough as Kevin at Nature 's Realm . He takes everything into consideration when coming up with the design - from sun After reading many stellar review 's of Kevin 's work online , we decided to hire him to redo our entire front yard , as well as the yard on the north side of our house . This was a very large project and it took a little over four months to complete everything . Before the actual landsaping could be addressed , there were drainage and irrigation issues that needed to be addressed . First , the trim on our house was painted and new gutters were installed . The old front yard basically consisted of a semi - circle gravel driveway lined by a few pitiful beds of overgrown and dead plants . Almost everything in the old yard was removed , along with the second concrete driveway entrance . Pavers were used to install a new walkway from the street to the front porch and a new driveway . The irrigation system was updated and expanded . A wrought iron fence , gate , and electronic driveway gate were installed in front and a beautiful arbor with cedar fence were built on the south side of the yard . Beds of plants were arranged around two large circular areas of Bermuda grass . Kevin accompanied us to a local nursery to show us all the plant options that were available for our yard . We told him what we liked and he designed the beds around our preferences . We have tons of gardenias , azaleas , camellias , and hydrangeas , among many other beautiful plants . Gravel walkways were also included in the yard design . The narrow north side yard is composed of a gravel path leading to the back yard . The path is lined on both sides with many plants and gives an overall green and lush effect . A water fountain was installed against the fence on that side and can be seen through our dining room windows . Overall , the yard is really beautiful and we could not be more pleased with the way it turned out . Passersby are constantly stopping to compliment the yard and ask who did the work . Kevin is very knowledgeable and he still checks in with me to see how all the plants are doing and ask if we are having any problems . Although we had a few minor ups and downs durin2 After reading many stellar review 's of Kevin 's work online , we decided to hire him to redo our entire front yard , as well as the yard on the north side of our house . This was a very large project and it took a little over four months to complete everything . Before the actual landsaping could be addressed , there were drainage and irrigation issues that needed to be addressed . First , the trim on our house was painted and new gutters were installed . The old front yard basically consisted of a semi - circle gravel driveway lined by a few pitiful beds of overgrown and dead plants . Almost everything in the old yard was removed , along with the second concrete driveway entrance . Pavers were used to install a new walkway from the street to the front porch and a new driveway . The irrigation system was updated and expanded . A wrought iron fence , gate , and electronic driveway gate were installed in front and a beautiful arbor with cedar fence were built on the south side of the yard . Beds of plants were arranged around two large circular areas of Bermuda grass . Kevin accompanied us to a local nursery to show us all the plant options that were available for our yard . We told him what we liked and he designed the beds around our preferences . We have tons of gardenias , azaleas , camellias , and hydrangeas , among many other beautiful plants . Gravel walkways were also included in the yard design . The narrow north side yard is composed of a gravel path leading to the back yard . The path is lined on both sides with many plants and gives an overall green and lush effect . A water fountain was installed against the fence on that side and can be seen through our dining room windows . Overall , the yard is really beautiful and we could not be more pleased with the way it turned out . Passersby are constantly stopping to compliment the yard and ask who did the work . Kevin is very knowledgeable and he still checks in with me to see how all the plants are doing and ask if we are having any problems . Although we had a few minor ups and downs durinfrom CitySearch I 'm one of the jealous neighbors that you will read about in previous reviews . After seeing how this crew was able to turn our neighbors dirt pile into what they did , I eventually gave in and asked who did their work . I was told how helpful Kevin would be , but I decided to see for myself . After we set up a date and time for him to come out he was able to let us know a wide variety of options of what we could do with our back yard . We wanted it to be quite lavish but still realistic and Kevin was able to give us a realistic budget and estimate on when we could expect the work to be done . He definitely follows the underpromise , overdeliver strategy because everything was even better than we had hoped for and done sooner than expected . Mind you , this wasn 't an overnight job , good work takes time , but considering the reputation of many of the landscapers around here , I was blown away at how efficient and thorough his team was with their and our time . My only regret was waiting this long I 'm one of the jealous neighbors that you will read about in previous reviews . After seeing how this crew was able to turn our neighbors dirt pile into what they did , I eventually gave in and asked who did their work . I was told how helpful Kevin would be , but I decided to see for myself . After we set up a date and time for him to come out he was able to let us know a wide variety of options of what we could do with our back yard . We wanted it to be quite lavish but still realistic and Kevin was able to give us a realistic budget and estimate on when we could expect the work to be done . He definitely follows the underpromise , overdeliver strategy because everything was even better than we had hoped for and done sooner than expected . Mind you , this wasn 't an overnight job , good work takes time , but considering the reputation of many of the landscapers around here , I was blown away at how efficient and thorough his team was with their and our time . My only regret was waiting this long After speaking with several well - known companies in the area we felt Natures Realm not only had the best plan of what to do with our ideas but also had clearest vision of what we were trying to accomplish in our backyard . Their design was fabulous and we absolutely love our backyard now . Our friends and neighbors are already impressed and talking about copying parts of our yard to their very own . Kevin was honest and up front about costs and scheduling of the work and the time frame of completion and he and his team definitely delivered in all aspects , and they made sure we understood and loved every detail when they were finished , we couldn 't be happier . At the risk of repeating myself I 'll just say one last time that we definitely chose the right company for our yard . 2 After speaking with several well - known companies in the area we felt Natures Realm not only had the best plan of what to do with our ideas but also had clearest vision of what we were trying to accomplish in our backyard . Their design was fabulous and we absolutely love our backyard now . Our friends and neighbors are already impressed and talking about copying parts of our yard to their very own . Kevin was honest and up front about costs and scheduling of the work and the time frame of completion and he and his team definitely delivered in all aspects , and they made sure we understood and loved every detail when they were finished , we couldn 't be happier . At the risk of repeating myself I 'll just say one last time that we definitely chose the right company for our yard . from CitySearch We had a vision of a patio with a seat and natural gas fire - pit all made from natural stone . Kevin and his team at Nature 's Realm built it and it came out even better then we had imagined . Kevin is a great guy to work with . There is no hard sale , he 's upfront with the costs , offers his expert opinion and most of all makes sure the customer is completely happy . Caesar , his stone mason does extraordinary work with natural stone and is meticulous about cleaning up every day and especially at the end of the job . We could not be happier with the work and the finished product and would not hesitate to use his services again . 2 We had a vision of a patio with a seat and natural gas fire - pit all made from natural stone . Kevin and his team at Nature 's Realm built it and it came out even better then we had imagined . Kevin is a great guy to work with . There is no hard sale , he 's upfront with the costs , offers his expert opinion and most of all makes sure the customer is completely happy . Caesar , his stone mason does extraordinary work with natural stone and is meticulous about cleaning up every day and especially at the end of the job . We could not be happier with the work and the finished product and would not hesitate to use his services again . from CitySearch Kevin was very up front and direct about what he was going to do and about the costs . His follow up and finishing was especially impressive , and our project ended very well and exceeded our expectations . Kevin emailed and called whenever there were issues or questions . \ r Kevin was very up front and direct about what he was going to do and about the costs . His follow up and finishing was especially impressive , and our project ended very well and exceeded our expectations . Kevin emailed and called whenever there were issues or questions . \ r He has followed up faithfully , providing input on watering schedules / strategies , and checking in with us on how things were doing . He has offered to replace any plant casualties we had during the initial shock period after planting . Very good service overall . \ r Kevin is an artist - not just a landscaper . As such you have to get used to his style which can be brash at times when it comes to differences of opinion . He 'll argue with you if he thinks something won 't look good . It took us a little while to understand that he really wanted us to be happy with the result . Once we understood this we were able to work very well with him . \ r He has followed up faithfully , providing input on watering schedules / strategies , and checking in with us on how things were doing . He has offered to replace any plant casualties we had during the initial shock period after planting . Very good service overall . \ r Kevin is an artist - not just a landscaper . As such you have to get used to his style which can be brash at times when it comes to differences of opinion . He 'll argue with you if he thinks something won 't look good . It took us a little while to understand that he really wanted us to be happy with the result . Once we understood this we were able to work very well with him . \ r We recommend Kevin for a thoughtful and thorough approach to landscaping . It took time , more than you may think , but we love our backyard . We 'd like to highlight the following : 1 . Great design that met your our for a play area for small children and an adult zone with limited backyard space . We recommend Kevin for a thoughtful and thorough approach to landscaping . It took time , more than you may think , but we love our backyard . We 'd like to highlight the following : 1 . Great design that met your our for a play area for small children and an adult zone with limited backyard space . I wanted a lot done and I wanted it done my way . I 'm semi - anal by nature , so when Kevin couldn 't begin work when I originally wanted I shopped around . Admittedly I only had one other landscaper come out and give me an estimate of what I wanted ( a fairly big job , so I felt I had every right to be picky ) , but I just didn 't feel like he cared enough about the work and I was just another job , a completely different vibe than I got from Kevin , so I called him back and we were able to arrange another day for him to come out and for us to figure things out . I mentioned I wanted a big job and was hoping he would be up to it , but also not bs me on what could and couldn 't be done and then make a compromise in the 11th hour and upset me and the wife . We talked again about what I wanted and what I was hoping to keep my budget at . After drawing up some plans and an estimate I was eager to see if he could walk the walk as well as he talked the talk . We 're talking a complete renovation of my yard and this living space here so I was a bit skeptical , just by nature . He asked that when we were done to write an honest review for him on the site , because word of mouth is where a lot of his business comes from . He didn 't ask me to fluff it for him , nor would I have . I rely on yelp and citysearch for a lot of my choices now ( it 's how I found Nature 's Realm ) , so being fair was all I was interested in . You 've seen the 5 stars and I 've given enough of the situation now , so let me start gushing about the work . The first we fell in love with was the fantastic patio cover for having a comfortable family area . This summer has been unbearable , so this was an absolute must for us . To have this patio cover is a game changer for our backyard , despite how minor it might seem . We also had outdoor lighting and a fountain installed as a centerpiece of our yard , just as the early design plans that he showed us indicated . Lights and a patio cover hardly seem like something to swoon over , but when you add them to your yard , you 'll understand . The entire design was just absolutely incredible . It met our needs for a large patio to entertain and a spa with easy to care for our beds and plants . I 'm not young , but I 'm hardly old , though I still wanted some guidance on how to work everything after it was installed , before I even began to ask Kevin was ready to show me how to work everything and made it simple to understand for me and my wife , so either of us can work it now . It was clear that Kevin had the technical knowledge for all the plants and planting to all types of construction throughout all phases of our project . I never felt like he was learning things on the fly , I really felt at ease once I started seeing everything start to come together , and that 's such a rare thing for me to experience . He even came back out for a follow up , after completion , to make sure everything was as it should be and that we didn 't have any further questions . Should we decide to add more to our yard ( I 'm thinking outdoor firepit ! ) then Kevin is definitely the landscaper I 'm going to call . He 's truly transformed our yard for us , which we liked spending time in before , but now we just adore it . I recommend him to anyone who even mentions redoing their yard now and was actually eager to write this review . I wanted a lot done and I wanted it done my way . I 'm semi - anal by nature , so when Kevin couldn 't begin work when I originally wanted I shopped around . Admittedly I only had one other landscaper come out and give me an estimate of what I wanted ( a fairly big job , so I felt I had every right to be picky ) , but I just didn 't feel like he cared enough about the work and I was just another job , a completely different vibe than I got from Kevin , so I called him back and we were able to arrange another day for him to come out and for us to figure things out . I mentioned I wanted a big job and was hoping he would be up to it , but also not bs me on what could and couldn 't be done and then make a compromise in the 11th hour and upset me and the wife . We talked again about what I wanted and what I was hoping to keep my budget at . After drawing up some plans and an estimate I was eager to see if he could walk the walk as well as he talked the talk . We 're talking a complete renovation of my yard and this living space here so I was a bit skeptical , just by nature . He asked that when we were done to write an honest review for him on the site , because word of mouth is where a lot of his business comes from . He didn 't ask me to fluff it for him , nor would I have . I rely on yelp and citysearch for a lot of my choices now ( it 's how I found Nature 's Realm ) , so being fair was all I was interested in . You 've seen the 5 stars and I 've given enough of the situation now , so let me start gushing about the work . The first we fell in love with was the fantastic patio cover for having a comfortable family area . This summer has been unbearable , so this was an absolute must for us . To have this patio cover is a game changer for our backyard , despite how minor it might seem . We also had outdoor lighting and a fountain installed as a centerpiece of our yard , just as the early design plans that he showed us indicated . Lights and a patio cover hardly seem like something to swoon over , but when you add them to your yard , you 'll understand . The entire design was just absolutely incredible . It met our needs for a large patio to entertain and a spa with easy to care for our beds and plants . I 'm not young , but I 'm hardly old , though I still wanted some guidance on how to work everything after it was installed , before I even began to ask Kevin was ready to show me how to work everything and made it simple to understand for me and my wife , so either of us can work it now . It was clear that Kevin had the technical knowledge for all the plants and planting to all types of construction throughout all phases of our project . I never felt like he was learning things on the fly , I really felt at ease once I started seeing everything start to come together , and that 's such a rare thing for me to experience . He even came back out for a follow up , after completion , to make sure everything was as it should be and that we didn 't have any further questions . Should we decide to add more to our yard ( I 'm thinking outdoor firepit ! ) then Kevin is definitely the landscaper I 'm going to call . He 's truly transformed our yard for us , which we liked spending time in before , but now we just adore it . I recommend him to anyone who even mentions redoing their yard now and was actually eager to write this review . Kevin brought in his architect and his first drawing absolutely blew me away . It was beyond my expectations ( and beyond what I initially wanted to spend ) . I know that I could have asked that the plan be modified to suit my original thoughts of price , but the vision was so exciting that I signed him up immediately . The project was slow , but methodical and well thought out . Kevin ? s crew is small , but very skilled and thoughtful . The end result was absolutely spectacular and beyond my original expectations . My friends and family have been absolutely blown away with the transformation . Kevin brought in his architect and his first drawing absolutely blew me away . It was beyond my expectations ( and beyond what I initially wanted to spend ) . I know that I could have asked that the plan be modified to suit my original thoughts of price , but the vision was so exciting that I signed him up immediately . The project was slow , but methodical and well thought out . Kevin ? s crew is small , but very skilled and thoughtful . The end result was absolutely spectacular and beyond my original expectations . My friends and family have been absolutely blown away with the transformation . I contacted Nature 's Realm to renovate our backyard after reading the reviews here as they seemed to have far and away the best feedback in my neck of the woods . Now when I originally called Kevin informed me that he would be busy this week with the jobs he had already taken and would not be able to see me until next week . I 'm not exactly known for my patience but I decided I could give him a full week and if I didn 't hear back I would move on and find someone else . Kevin ended up calling me back the following Monday ( I had called him Wednesday morning ) and I explained to him what I was wanted to do , we then bounced some ideas off each other and I had an immediate good vibe about the project . He offered suggestions , but wasn 't pushy , and helped me understand what would work best for each area of my property , as I 'm located in the Heights so my landscape options may be more tricky than others since my property is probably smaller than someone in the Memorial area . Once he showed us his previous designs ideas I was excited , though still skeptical , because when it 's your stuff things never seem to go as well as they do for everyone else , or so was my previous outlook on this type of thing . I have to say that Kevin 's designs were much more original and beautiful than many of our friends . I couldn 't wait to see if he could deliver the same results to us . We ended up having a flagstone patio built with a covered roof and ceiling fans installed and now we spend so much more time in our backyard . We also had Kevin and his team build us a raised vegetable and herb garden that all of our friends are just stunned by when they come over . They installed a micro irrigations system that makes it very easy for us to keep it beautiful and put in drip irrigation lines in our shrub beds to assist in watering our landscape . Everything is growing so much better now . This might all sound intimidating if you aren 't familiar with it , but I assure you it isn 't . Kevin is able to answer your questions without giving you double talk and you know exactly what is what . The wife and I are already discussing what we want to have done next and we will without hesitation call Nature 's Realm up again to do the work . 2 I contacted Nature 's Realm to renovate our backyard after reading the reviews here as they seemed to have far and away the best feedback in my neck of the woods . Now when I originally called Kevin informed me that he would be busy this week with the jobs he had already taken and would not be able to see me until next week . I 'm not exactly known for my patience but I decided I could give him a full week and if I didn 't hear back I would move on and find someone else . Kevin ended up calling me back the following Monday ( I had called him Wednesday morning ) and I explained to him what I was wanted to do , we then bounced some ideas off each other and I had an immediate good vibe about the project . He offered suggestions , but wasn 't pushy , and helped me understand what would work best for each area of my property , as I 'm located in the Heights so my landscape options may be more tricky than others since my property is probably smaller than someone in the Memorial area . Once he showed us his previous designs ideas I was excited , though still skeptical , because when it 's your stuff things never seem to go as well as they do for everyone else , or so was my previous outlook on this type of thing . I have to say that Kevin 's designs were much more original and beautiful than many of our friends . I couldn 't wait to see if he could deliver the same results to us . We ended up having a flagstone patio built with a covered roof and ceiling fans installed and now we spend so much more time in our backyard . We also had Kevin and his team build us a raised vegetable and herb garden that all of our friends are just stunned by when they come over . They installed a micro irrigations system that makes it very easy for us to keep it beautiful and put in drip irrigation lines in our shrub beds to assist in watering our landscape . Everything is growing so much better now . This might all sound intimidating if you aren 't familiar with it , but I assure you it isn 't . Kevin is able to answer your questions without giving you double talk and you know exactly what is what . The wife and I are already discussing what we want to have done next and we will without hesitation call Nature 's Realm up again to do the work . from CitySearch Kevin Boyd is a wonderful landscape designer who is full of creativity and energy . My husband and I were looking for a landscaper who would make our very ordinary yard into something extraordinary . With only limited knowledge of plants ( or even what we really wanted ) , my husband and I relied heavily on Kevin 's expertise and advice - - and he didn 't steer us wrong . From the layout and hardscaping to specific plant selection and installation , Kevin guided us through one good decision after another . And just as important , Kevin always came in on budget and kept us abreast of the costs and expenses along the way so there were no surprises when the work was done and the bill submitted . The end result speaks for itself ; our yard is exactly what we were hoping for ( even if we weren 't able to articulate it in the first place ! ) . Moreover , once the job was finished , Kevin still kept tabs on our yard , making sure we were aware of upcoming inclement weather and even replacing the few plants we lost last winter at cost . All in all , working with Kevin was a wonderful experience and we would recommend him to anyone looking to make his or her yard something special . Yes , you 'll pay a little more than many fly - by - night landscape outfits charge , but you 'll get your money 's worth . Kevin Boyd is a wonderful landscape designer who is full of creativity and energy . My husband and I were looking for a landscaper who would make our very ordinary yard into something extraordinary . With only limited knowledge of plants ( or even what we really wanted ) , my husband and I relied heavily on Kevin 's expertise and advice - - and he didn 't steer us wrong . From the layout and hardscaping to specific plant selection and installation , Kevin guided us through one good decision after another . And just as important , Kevin always came in on budget and kept us abreast of the costs and expenses along the way so there were no surprises when the work was done and the bill submitted . The end result speaks for itself ; our yard is exactly what we were hoping for ( even if we weren 't able to articulate it in the first place ! ) . Moreover , once the job was finished , Kevin still kept tabs on our yard , making sure we were aware of upcoming inclement weather and even replacing the few plants we lost last winter at cost . All in all , working with Kevin was a wonderful experience and we would recommend him to anyone looking to make his or her yard something special . Yes , you 'll pay a little more than many fly - by - night landscape outfits charge , but you 'll get your money 's worth . From initial contact and meeting to future follow - up and advice , Kevin and his team were fantastic . He talked us through every phase , performed on time . Kept us involved and humorously guided to the right decisions . Our only regret was when they pulled out of the driveway for the next job . \ r With Kevin , you get what you pay for and more . His services billed met his estimates almost to the penny and yet the product we got was more than bargained for in many ways . If you want to be involved in your project this is the guy . It felt like I was working with a close friend and neighbor rather than an arm 's length business transaction . We can 't wait for the funds to begin " " Phase 2 " " in our plan , and Kevin is our pick to do it . \ r 7 . Plenty of technical knowledge - off - the - grid projects to plants and planting and all types of ingenious even earth - friendly construction and gardening . ( Don 't worry , there were no tree - hugging ceremonies required . ) 2 From initial contact and meeting to future follow - up and advice , Kevin and his team were fantastic . He talked us through every phase , performed on time . Kept us involved and humorously guided to the right decisions . Our only regret was when they pulled out of the driveway for the next job . \ r With Kevin , you get what you pay for and more . His services billed met his estimates almost to the penny and yet the product we got was more than bargained for in many ways . If you want to be involved in your project this is the guy . It felt like I was working with a close friend and neighbor rather than an arm 's length business transaction . We can 't wait for the funds to begin " " Phase 2 " " in our plan , and Kevin is our pick to do it . \ r 7 . Plenty of technical knowledge - off - the - grid projects to plants and planting and all types of ingenious even earth - friendly construction and gardening . ( Don 't worry , there were no tree - hugging ceremonies required . ) from CitySearch Pros : Just about everything . We got our homeowner 's " " YARD OF THE MONTH " " award , and we were told that our back yard is now known as the Temple of Delphi ( for good reasons ) . The best thing about Kevin ( in addition to the excellent work overall ) is how straightforward and honest he is . He 's good for his word more so than any interior or exterior contractor we 've ever hired or interviewed . Cons : Just a couple . Like any contractor , you still need to monitor thing closely . Kevin 's quite an opinionated person , and he 'll steamroll you if you 're not careful . So , one word of advice : If you truly believe in your design or your way of doing things , stick to your guns . He 's a gifted landscape architect , but nobody 's thought about the job more than you . So , trust yourself . Frankly , we thought about giving him four stars ( in case there is even better our there ) , but we ultimately decided on five because ( 1 ) he deserves it , and ( 2 ) we may never find any better . Hopefully you can tell ( and he 'll probably tell you ) that we 're hard people to please . Five stars ( which we 've never given before ) is a big deal coming from us . Pros : Just about everything . We got our homeowner 's " " YARD OF THE MONTH " " award , and we were told that our back yard is now known as the Temple of Delphi ( for good reasons ) . The best thing about Kevin ( in addition to the excellent work overall ) is how straightforward and honest he is . He 's good for his word more so than any interior or exterior contractor we 've ever hired or interviewed . Cons : Just a couple . Like any contractor , you still need to monitor thing closely . Kevin 's quite an opinionated person , and he 'll steamroll you if you 're not careful . So , one word of advice : If you truly believe in your design or your way of doing things , stick to your guns . He 's a gifted landscape architect , but nobody 's thought about the job more than you . So , trust yourself . Frankly , we thought about giving him four stars ( in case there is even better our there ) , but we ultimately decided on five because ( 1 ) he deserves it , and ( 2 ) we may never find any better . Hopefully you can tell ( and he 'll probably tell you ) that we 're hard people to please . Five stars ( which we 've never given before ) is a big deal coming from us . My wife and I were looking to renovate our backyard into something more than just a piece of land that we cut the grass of every other week . We had planned to call around a bit before making a decision but lucky for us , Nature 's Realm was the first landscaping company we called and we didn 't need to look any further . Kevin was the only person we talked to the entire time , we never had to deal any any subcontractors or anything of the sort . Not only was it great to be able to deal directly with the person who would be in charge of our new project , but he seemed as excited about it as we did . It wasn 't an act just to get our business either because he was just as friendly and pleasant each time we had a conversation with him . You 'll find out very early that Kevin is extremely knowledgeable in regards to his work . He was able to give us the information we needed for caring for each of the plants we added to our yard , but it didn 't stop with just the plants . Nature 's Realm handled our drainage , irrigation and all of our electrical work and lighting as well . Everything was done by Kevin and his crew , these guys know what they are doing . Excellent customer support and knowledge doesn 't mean anything unless you get the results you hope for and let me just say , not only did we get what we had hoped for but it looked even better than we had imagined it . The landscape design is absolutely stunning , we 've been finding more and more excuses to entertain guests at our house now so we can show off our new outdoor kitchen as well . It 's truly better than anything we could have hoped for . The wonderful Pergolas , masonry work , hardscape , EVERYTHING is just top notch . We spend so much of our time in our backyard it 's almost absurd . I gush about my new yard , which is so much more than that now , to anyone who will listen and I 'll show it to anyone who comes over almost instantly , I 'm that proud of it and I have Kevin and Nature 's Realm to thank . It 's the first time I 've ever been so pleased with service I 've received from somewhere that I 've wanted to go online and write a review about it . Thank you so much , Nature 's Realm . 2 My wife and I were looking to renovate our backyard into something more than just a piece of land that we cut the grass of every other week . We had planned to call around a bit before making a decision but lucky for us , Nature 's Realm was the first landscaping company we called and we didn 't need to look any further . Kevin was the only person we talked to the entire time , we never had to deal any any subcontractors or anything of the sort . Not only was it great to be able to deal directly with the person who would be in charge of our new project , but he seemed as excited about it as we did . It wasn 't an act just to get our business either because he was just as friendly and pleasant each time we had a conversation with him . You 'll find out very early that Kevin is extremely knowledgeable in regards to his work . He was able to give us the information we needed for caring for each of the plants we added to our yard , but it didn 't stop with just the plants . Nature 's Realm handled our drainage , irrigation and all of our electrical work and lighting as well . Everything was done by Kevin and his crew , these guys know what they are doing . Excellent customer support and knowledge doesn 't mean anything unless you get the results you hope for and let me just say , not only did we get what we had hoped for but it looked even better than we had imagined it . The landscape design is absolutely stunning , we 've been finding more and more excuses to entertain guests at our house now so we can show off our new outdoor kitchen as well . It 's truly better than anything we could have hoped for . The wonderful Pergolas , masonry work , hardscape , EVERYTHING is just top notch . We spend so much of our time in our backyard it 's almost absurd . I gush about my new yard , which is so much more than that now , to anyone who will listen and I 'll show it to anyone who comes over almost instantly , I 'm that proud of it and I have Kevin and Nature 's Realm to thank . It 's the first time I 've ever been so pleased with service I 've received from somewhere that I 've wanted to go online and write a review about it . Thank you so much , Nature 's Realm . from CitySearch Our backyard used to be abominable . A wretched disaster , full of out of control bananas we could not get rid of and pea gravel with no grass which only permitted weeds to grow . In short , it looked like a rainforest . Kevin at Nature 's Realm did our drainage system and sump pumps when we first move into our older home and did wonderful job . We hired him again for this . what an amazing difference ! He brought a landscape architect and came up with a plan that suited my husband 's and my preferences , as well as keeping in mind we needed something low maintenance . he stayed absolutely on budget for our project , and it is so worth it . My kids love it and we are now doing our front porch . I can tell that the plants have been planted properly and are growing nicely . Kevin follows up to make sure the plants are healthy and is able to address any questions I have . Our front porch , formerly old wood and uneven stair steps , was just rebuilt with pavers to match the back . We have a path of crushed granite and will have the front beds redone after the freeze . Such a great difference and totally not boring . Anyone can do a boring poorly planned yard , but take one look at Nature 's Realm before and after pictures and you 'll see how beautiful a yard can be . Thank you Kevin ! Our backyard used to be abominable . A wretched disaster , full of out of control bananas we could not get rid of and pea gravel with no grass which only permitted weeds to grow . In short , it looked like a rainforest . Kevin at Nature 's Realm did our drainage system and sump pumps when we first move into our older home and did wonderful job . We hired him again for this . what an amazing difference ! He brought a landscape architect and came up with a plan that suited my husband 's and my preferences , as well as keeping in mind we needed something low maintenance . he stayed absolutely on budget for our project , and it is so worth it . My kids love it and we are now doing our front porch . I can tell that the plants have been planted properly and are growing nicely . Kevin follows up to make sure the plants are healthy and is able to address any questions I have . Our front porch , formerly old wood and uneven stair steps , was just rebuilt with pavers to match the back . We have a path of crushed granite and will have the front beds redone after the freeze . Such a great difference and totally not boring . Anyone can do a boring poorly planned yard , but take one look at Nature 's Realm before and after pictures and you 'll see how beautiful a yard can be . Thank you Kevin ! This summer Kevin Boyd landscaped and hardscaped our backyard in the Heights and transformed it into a magical place . He redid our whole patio in order to make it unified with the house , built a pergola which utilized the same columns as on our back porch . He transformed our yard from a level area with a few plants and bushes around the edges to a garden landscape with a pond and a waterfall and numerous levels and plants . We couldnt be happier with the results and , each day as we enjoy it , we realize it is the best money we ever spent . \ r We participated in the planning and design process as well as throughout the construction planting processes . Kevin was always glad to talk with us about our ideas and / or problems . It is great to have one person who is there every day supervising the job that you can count on rather than a big impersonal construction landscaping firm . Also , most importantly , Kevin is a landscape artist who is able to see the potential in your yard and can make it happen . We feel confident in recommending Kevin Boyds Natures Realm . \ r This summer Kevin Boyd landscaped and hardscaped our backyard in the Heights and transformed it into a magical place . He redid our whole patio in order to make it unified with the house , built a pergola which utilized the same columns as on our back porch . He transformed our yard from a level area with a few plants and bushes around the edges to a garden landscape with a pond and a waterfall and numerous levels and plants . We couldnt be happier with the results and , each day as we enjoy it , we realize it is the best money we ever spent . \ r We participated in the planning and design process as well as throughout the construction planting processes . Kevin was always glad to talk with us about our ideas and / or problems . It is great to have one person who is there every day supervising the job that you can count on rather than a big impersonal construction landscaping firm . Also , most importantly , Kevin is a landscape artist who is able to see the potential in your yard and can make it happen . We feel confident in recommending Kevin Boyds Natures Realm . \ r We have lived in many different cities and done several landscaping projects so have a good basis of comparison . Kevin and his team are amazing . They are very hands on and receptive to the ideas and wishes of the client . Kevin is able to create a unique landscape that is picture perfect . He constructed a large pergola , a water feature , an arbor for a swing and did a lot of stone work to make our one of a kind yard . He is very knowledgeable and easy to work with . I would use him again in a heartbeat for any future landscaping projects . 2 We have lived in many different cities and done several landscaping projects so have a good basis of comparison . Kevin and his team are amazing . They are very hands on and receptive to the ideas and wishes of the client . Kevin is able to create a unique landscape that is picture perfect . He constructed a large pergola , a water feature , an arbor for a swing and did a lot of stone work to make our one of a kind yard . He is very knowledgeable and easy to work with . I would use him again in a heartbeat for any future landscaping projects . from CitySearch Natures Realm ( Kevin ) created an beautiful one - of - a - kind backyard retreat for us . it is certainly not your ordinary back yard . We started out wanting a raised herb / vegetable garden for my husband and it became so much more . He built 2 arbors and a pergola at one end . in two years when the roses and wisteria take over , it will be incedible . Kevin was hands - on for the layout and construction of all the beds and handled reworking all the electrical and existing sprinler systems . \ r When it came time to purchase plants , he spent nearly a week taking me around to view our choices and make our decisions . We interviewed 6 prospective landscapers and kevin 's ideas and vision were by far the best . He continues to come by to offer service after the sale and check on his creation . We love our backyard and it gives us joy everyday . Natures Realm ( Kevin ) created an beautiful one - of - a - kind backyard retreat for us . it is certainly not your ordinary back yard . We started out wanting a raised herb / vegetable garden for my husband and it became so much more . He built 2 arbors and a pergola at one end . in two years when the roses and wisteria take over , it will be incedible . Kevin was hands - on for the layout and construction of all the beds and handled reworking all the electrical and existing sprinler systems . \ r When it came time to purchase plants , he spent nearly a week taking me around to view our choices and make our decisions . We interviewed 6 prospective landscapers and kevin 's ideas and vision were by far the best . He continues to come by to offer service after the sale and check on his creation . We love our backyard and it gives us joy everyday . Kevin listened to our wants , needs and no 's and delivered a mark - up that far surpassed our expectations . My only concern was that it looked so perfect on paper , I wasn 't sure how it would measure up . My concerns were quickly aleviated as the drawing came to life ! \ r Kevin listened to our wants , needs and no 's and delivered a mark - up that far surpassed our expectations . My only concern was that it looked so perfect on paper , I wasn 't sure how it would measure up . My concerns were quickly aleviated as the drawing came to life ! \ r I have been doing business with Nature 's Realm for many years and would not consider anyone else . His first project for us was a redo of the backyard . The project could have been on Groundbreakers ( HGTV show ) . It went from a typical 80 % lawn to a magical place with a pond , winding paths through the trees and a vegetable garden . The last project was a simple one - enlarging the garden and building a potting shed , but he managed to make it look fantastic . The owner is very hands on with the execution of the project . We 've all had experience with supervisors that leave their employees at the job site to do the work and then are reluctant to fix mistakes that were done while they were not there . This never happens with Nature 's Realm because the owner is at the job site each and every day . I would never consider any one else . I have been doing business with Nature 's Realm for many years and would not consider anyone else . His first project for us was a redo of the backyard . The project could have been on Groundbreakers ( HGTV show ) . It went from a typical 80 % lawn to a magical place with a pond , winding paths through the trees and a vegetable garden . The last project was a simple one - enlarging the garden and building a potting shed , but he managed to make it look fantastic . The owner is very hands on with the execution of the project . We 've all had experience with supervisors that leave their employees at the job site to do the work and then are reluctant to fix mistakes that were done while they were not there . This never happens with Nature 's Realm because the owner is at the job site each and every day . I would never consider any one else . We are extremely pleased with the work done at Nature 's Realm . Our design is incredibly beautiful and exceeded our high expectations ! Incredibly well done and professional . They did it all : flagstone patio and other stonework , pergolas , irrigation and drainage with no subs . Nice to work with the same guys on such a big job and not a bunch of subcontractors . I cannot say enough nice things about these guys . We will definitely be repeat customers . Thanks ! We are extremely pleased with the work done at Nature 's Realm . Our design is incredibly beautiful and exceeded our high expectations ! Incredibly well done and professional . They did it all : flagstone patio and other stonework , pergolas , irrigation and drainage with no subs . Nice to work with the same guys on such a big job and not a bunch of subcontractors . I cannot say enough nice things about these guys . We will definitely be repeat customers . Thanks ! During the execution phase Kevin treated the project as if he was doing his own yard . He personally supervised , and worked on , the job and there were a number of times where we observed him telling his workers to re - do something in an effort to ensure it was done 100 % right . We ran into some irrigation system surprises while preparing for paver installations , Kevin handled this well and involved me in the decision making process whenever there was a cost impact . Throughout the project Kevin was candid with suggested tweaks and changes and when I proposed ideas that he felt wouldn 't work - he didn 't hesitate to " " push back " " in an attempt to ensure that the right decision was taken . In the end our front yard came out beautiful and we are very pleased with what it 's added to our home . We plan to use him for our backyard project later this year . \ r During the execution phase Kevin treated the project as if he was doing his own yard . He personally supervised , and worked on , the job and there were a number of times where we observed him telling his workers to re - do something in an effort to ensure it was done 100 % right . We ran into some irrigation system surprises while preparing for paver installations , Kevin handled this well and involved me in the decision making process whenever there was a cost impact . Throughout the project Kevin was candid with suggested tweaks and changes and when I proposed ideas that he felt wouldn 't work - he didn 't hesitate to " " push back " " in an attempt to ensure that the right decision was taken . In the end our front yard came out beautiful and we are very pleased with what it 's added to our home . We plan to use him for our backyard project later this year . \ r We coulnd 't be happier with the end result ! ! We were searching for a landscaper to turn our weed - infested , unused , postage - stamp - sized Bellaire backyard into a beautiful oasis , and Nature ? s Realm delivered better than we would have ever imagined ! Learning about the company from the reviews below , we cold - called Kevin and were immediately impressed with his knowledge , passion , attention to detail , and willingness to work with us . He does all the work with him on - site , so you can really trust what he promises is what he delivers ? he ? s not a contractor who orders others to do the work while he goes off finding more business somewhere else ? and that responsiveness sets him apart from most in the industry ( before , during , and even after the project ) . We believe his hands - on approach separates him from the others . He is educated in so many areas ( landscape design , horticulture , irrigation , and dendrology ) , which helps coordinate the entire landscape . He developed and brought to life a fantastic plan that incorporated water features , soft scapes , new trees , a raised garden bed , a pergola , hanging baskets , flower beds ? you name it . He was able to navigate occasional obstacles very nimbly . The difference ? before ? and ? after ? is simply incredible ? he turned an eyesore into something our friends rave about and we enjoy every day . This was the perfect final touch to our new house . We highly recommend Nature ? s Realm to anyone looking to beautify their residence . 2 We coulnd 't be happier with the end result ! ! We were searching for a landscaper to turn our weed - infested , unused , postage - stamp - sized Bellaire backyard into a beautiful oasis , and Nature ? s Realm delivered better than we would have ever imagined ! Learning about the company from the reviews below , we cold - called Kevin and were immediately impressed with his knowledge , passion , attention to detail , and willingness to work with us . He does all the work with him on - site , so you can really trust what he promises is what he delivers ? he ? s not a contractor who orders others to do the work while he goes off finding more business somewhere else ? and that responsiveness sets him apart from most in the industry ( before , during , and even after the project ) . We believe his hands - on approach separates him from the others . He is educated in so many areas ( landscape design , horticulture , irrigation , and dendrology ) , which helps coordinate the entire landscape . He developed and brought to life a fantastic plan that incorporated water features , soft scapes , new trees , a raised garden bed , a pergola , hanging baskets , flower beds ? you name it . He was able to navigate occasional obstacles very nimbly . The difference ? before ? and ? after ? is simply incredible ? he turned an eyesore into something our friends rave about and we enjoy every day . This was the perfect final touch to our new house . We highly recommend Nature ? s Realm to anyone looking to beautify their residence . from CitySearch We have CURB APPEAL ! ! ! All of our friends and neighbors walk , drive , cycle , skip , and hop by to shout their praises ! Spectacular ! Outstanding ! Wonderful ! Some drivers do double drive - bys ! At least 2 - 3 people stop by daily and ask for my landscapers name . It 's that fantastic ! And Nature 's Realm made it all possible . Kevin Boyd , the owner , is so passionate about his job . He treats your project with such great care from start to finish and beyond . ( He responds to all questions / calls / e - mails ) This guy is so energetic . He manages his team with true work ethic and troubleshoots like the engineer he is ! He renovated / redesigned our front , back , and side yards . Now , we have a fish pond , fountain , bridge , dry creek bed , 4 sitting areas and tons of beautiful plants . It 's a lot of " " WOW " " but not much maintenance . He designed it so that we could enjoy it but not be burdened by it . He even designed an irrigation system to meet our needs . He does it all with lots of energy , attention to details and commitment to service . Not only that , Nature 's Realm sticks to the budget . Kevin 's pricing is fair and well deserved . He really provides the best ! \ r This small company will exceed all of your landscaping dreams . We know because we are living the dream ! The dream was to work closely with someone who would be attentive to our needs and desires . Done ! We wanted a creative design . Done ! We wanted our project to be completed in a timely manner . Done ! We wanted someone who had solid contacts with qualified contractors . Done ! We wanted aesthetically pleasing outdoor living spaces . Done ! We wanted extraordinary plants and trees . Done ! \ r We have CURB APPEAL ! ! ! All of our friends and neighbors walk , drive , cycle , skip , and hop by to shout their praises ! Spectacular ! Outstanding ! Wonderful ! Some drivers do double drive - bys ! At least 2 - 3 people stop by daily and ask for my landscapers name . It 's that fantastic ! And Nature 's Realm made it all possible . Kevin Boyd , the owner , is so passionate about his job . He treats your project with such great care from start to finish and beyond . ( He responds to all questions / calls / e - mails ) This guy is so energetic . He manages his team with true work ethic and troubleshoots like the engineer he is ! He renovated / redesigned our front , back , and side yards . Now , we have a fish pond , fountain , bridge , dry creek bed , 4 sitting areas and tons of beautiful plants . It 's a lot of " " WOW " " but not much maintenance . He designed it so that we could enjoy it but not be burdened by it . He even designed an irrigation system to meet our needs . He does it all with lots of energy , attention to details and commitment to service . Not only that , Nature 's Realm sticks to the budget . Kevin 's pricing is fair and well deserved . He really provides the best ! \ r This small company will exceed all of your landscaping dreams . We know because we are living the dream ! The dream was to work closely with someone who would be attentive to our needs and desires . Done ! We wanted a creative design . Done ! We wanted our project to be completed in a timely manner . Done ! We wanted someone who had solid contacts with qualified contractors . Done ! We wanted aesthetically pleasing outdoor living spaces . Done ! We wanted extraordinary plants and trees . Done ! \ r The reviews here prompted me to check out Natures Realm . I called and spoke to Kevin about some work I needed done , and he asked me to fill out his online form . I did that and waited to hear from him , but I didn 't so after 1 1 / 2 weeks I called and emailed him . He emailed me that my online form sort of fell through the cracks . He said he would call schedule a time to see me . I still didn 't hear from him . I sent an email to see when he might be contacting me . He responded that he couldn 't come out for another week because it was a very busy time . At this point , after 3 weeks of trying to schedule him to come out , I pretty much doubted I would hear from him in a week so I moved on . When customer service starts out this poorly I don 't expect it to get any better . Maybe a $ 5000 job was too small . I have to say this isn 't the only landscaping company like this . They seem to be looking for big jobs , and when they finish the big projects they call you 2 months later when business slows down . Guess it 's just the nature of the business . The reviews here prompted me to check out Natures Realm . I called and spoke to Kevin about some work I needed done , and he asked me to fill out his online form . I did that and waited to hear from him , but I didn 't so after 1 1 / 2 weeks I called and emailed him . He emailed me that my online form sort of fell through the cracks . He said he would call schedule a time to see me . I still didn 't hear from him . I sent an email to see when he might be contacting me . He responded that he couldn 't come out for another week because it was a very busy time . At this point , after 3 weeks of trying to schedule him to come out , I pretty much doubted I would hear from him in a week so I moved on . When customer service starts out this poorly I don 't expect it to get any better . Maybe a $ 5000 job was too small . I have to say this isn 't the only landscaping company like this . They seem to be looking for big jobs , and when they finish the big projects they call you 2 months later when business slows down . Guess it 's just the nature of the business . This has been my first encounter with landscaping services , and I have to say it was made simple by Nature 's Realm . I had attempted to contact another landscaper who did our communcal landscaping for the townhome property I live at , and never received a response . In contrast , Nature 's Realm contacted me as soon as they could , took the time to survey my landscape before providing me a quote , were timely , and did a great job . They were also very reasonably priced , and didn 't suggest more services than I needed or wanted . I plan to use them again for my semi - annual maintenance . No task seemed too small for Nature 's Realm , which made me feel comfortable in asking them to assist me with maintenance and upkeep . 2 This has been my first encounter with landscaping services , and I have to say it was made simple by Nature 's Realm . I had attempted to contact another landscaper who did our communcal landscaping for the townhome property I live at , and never received a response . In contrast , Nature 's Realm contacted me as soon as they could , took the time to survey my landscape before providing me a quote , were timely , and did a great job . They were also very reasonably priced , and didn 't suggest more services than I needed or wanted . I plan to use them again for my semi - annual maintenance . No task seemed too small for Nature 's Realm , which made me feel comfortable in asking them to assist me with maintenance and upkeep . from CitySearch Nature 's Realm has transformed our small front yard from a boring barren space to a beautiful space . This was not an easy job . There were different challenges . The soil was bad , there was cable wiring running to a cable junction box and the front yard was part of a shared space . \ r Kevin showed great patience in answering our questions . Great flexiblity was also demonstrated ; changes were made to the original design plan based on our feedback . During the first meeting it was easy to detect the dedication and enthusiasim Kevin bought to his work . \ r Nature 's Realm has transformed our small front yard from a boring barren space to a beautiful space . This was not an easy job . There were different challenges . The soil was bad , there was cable wiring running to a cable junction box and the front yard was part of a shared space . \ r Kevin showed great patience in answering our questions . Great flexiblity was also demonstrated ; changes were made to the original design plan based on our feedback . During the first meeting it was easy to detect the dedication and enthusiasim Kevin bought to his work . \ r Several months ago , I had a great house and a lousy yard and no idea what to do . I found Nature 's Realm thru citysearch and gave them a call . Soon I had a detailed , beautiful landscape plan that reflected my wants and needs . They even worked in a raised bed for vegetables and herbs in addition to all the flowers and shrubs . I love watching the birds splash and play in their fabulous new bath and I spend more time outside now than I would have ever imagined . I am very happy with my new landscape and learned allot along the way . I highly recommend this company . Several months ago , I had a great house and a lousy yard and no idea what to do . I found Nature 's Realm thru citysearch and gave them a call . Soon I had a detailed , beautiful landscape plan that reflected my wants and needs . They even worked in a raised bed for vegetables and herbs in addition to all the flowers and shrubs . I love watching the birds splash and play in their fabulous new bath and I spend more time outside now than I would have ever imagined . I am very happy with my new landscape and learned allot along the way . I highly recommend this company . After conducting an extensive remodel of my home in West University , the last project left was to take my landscape design prepared by a highly regarded landscape architect and bring the design to life . Having hire all kinds of trade people from my remodel project , I was reluctant to allow ? just anyone ? to installed this project . The architect of the landscape designed was expensive . I spoke with some of the landscape companies operating in the area , none made me feel comfortable . Luckily , a friend recommended Nature ? s Realm . After speaking with owner Kevin a couple times , I felt comfortable that he was knowledge in his field and that he took pride in the worked that he did . As it turned out , I was right . After accepting a couple recommendations to enhance the landscape design , the 2 - week project went smooth , and my plants are thriving . The design included over 1300 plants . I could not be more pleased with the outcome ! \ r After conducting an extensive remodel of my home in West University , the last project left was to take my landscape design prepared by a highly regarded landscape architect and bring the design to life . Having hire all kinds of trade people from my remodel project , I was reluctant to allow ? just anyone ? to installed this project . The architect of the landscape designed was expensive . I spoke with some of the landscape companies operating in the area , none made me feel comfortable . Luckily , a friend recommended Nature ? s Realm . After speaking with owner Kevin a couple times , I felt comfortable that he was knowledge in his field and that he took pride in the worked that he did . As it turned out , I was right . After accepting a couple recommendations to enhance the landscape design , the 2 - week project went smooth , and my plants are thriving . The design included over 1300 plants . I could not be more pleased with the outcome ! \ r They created a gorgeous , beautiful retreat in my backyard that I look forward to everyday . This company is professional , friendly and most of all - - gifted . There are few places more beautiful than my new back yard . They created a gorgeous , beautiful retreat in my backyard that I look forward to everyday . This company is professional , friendly and most of all - - gifted . There are few places more beautiful than my new back yard . I had multiple bids for some guttering and drainage work and nobody beat their price . Some of those quotes were crazy by comparison . They did the guttering and my drainage system in 2 days ! Very professional . We have no more yucky mud pits ! These guys did a great job ! I had multiple bids for some guttering and drainage work and nobody beat their price . Some of those quotes were crazy by comparison . They did the guttering and my drainage system in 2 days ! Very professional . We have no more yucky mud pits ! These guys did a great job ! Wow , talk about customer service ! This was my first time hiring a landscape designer because I had always feared it was out of my price range . Not only were the rates very affordable but Nature 's Realm was as friendly and as helpful as could be . I explained what my budget was and never felt pressured to continue adding and didn 't have any hidden fees show up later . Any question I had was answered and they were extremely willing to make me feel like they wanted me as a customer ! I couldn 't be happier with the work and plan on recommending Nature 's Realm to friend 's of mine as well . You can 't go wrong here and as mentioned before I couldn 't be happier ! Wow , talk about customer service ! This was my first time hiring a landscape designer because I had always feared it was out of my price range . Not only were the rates very affordable but Nature 's Realm was as friendly and as helpful as could be . I explained what my budget was and never felt pressured to continue adding and didn 't have any hidden fees show up later . Any question I had was answered and they were extremely willing to make me feel like they wanted me as a customer ! I couldn 't be happier with the work and plan on recommending Nature 's Realm to friend 's of mine as well . You can 't go wrong here and as mentioned before I couldn 't be happier !
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Having an extended labia minora always seemed like just one of those things I had to deal with in life . I didn 't know it was something I could change . I was a teenager when it first started to bother me . It extended the length of the outer labia , so it would rub on my underwear . This would often make me sore and obviously very uncomfortable . I was very self - conscious about it . When I became sexually active it was not only embarrassing to have longer labia , but was also somewhat painful . I was searching online when I found that a procedure was available that could reduce the length of my inner labia . I gave it some thought and knew that it would be well worth it for me to rid myself of this issue . I had the procedure done and I can honestly say the pain wasn 't too bad . I 'd compare it to having stitches after giving birth . Sure it 's sensitive for awhile , but very manageable . I am currently 2 months out of surgery and feel wonderful . I don 't have the embarrassment that I used to , or the discomfort from things like walking and riding a bike . Even though it was a sensitive subject to discuss at first , I am really glad I chose to have the procedure done . It 's not something that can bother me anymore ! Over the years my body has changed numerous times , I gained weight and lost it , I nipped I tucked and was still left with a nagging little problem . For years Ive been bothered about the size of my inner labia . I was always self conscious about they 're size and they seemed to always be in the way ! I didn 't want to take any " personal sexy " poses for my husband because I felt that they were too large and ugly , sex was always a matter of moving things out of the way to get the job done and was always too self conscious to enjoy it . I was always obsessive about cleaning my vaginal area but never felt clean enough . As an avid indoor spinning ( Indoor cycling class ) fanatic I would regularly sit wrong and feel pain , and become uncomfortable throughout the class . I had seen playboy bunnies , models , even fellow gym goers with smaller labia and always wondered how I could fix the problem , or if it was even possible . I had no one to talk to about this problem and felt like I was the only one whose labia minora were labia major - a ! The day of surgery I was marked for surgery and was informed as to how much we could or should remove , the risks were reiterated to me , and I was all set . Once I awoke from surgery I felt no pain from my recently re - done labia minora . I followed all of the Dr . Pousti 's instructions for the following week . I kept the area iced down , sat on pillows , and took it easy . I was amazed how easy the recovery from this surgery was , and going to the bathroom wasn 't nearly as hard as I had imagined it to be . Its been five weeks since surgery and I 'm incredibly pleased with the results ! I no longer feel like I have to move anything around during intimate moments , Ive lost no sensation and can fully enjoy a sexual experience ! I feel cleaner and sexier , and more confident . My workouts have improved because I 'm no longer afraid I 'm going to sit wrong and feel intense labial pain . The surgery has really boosted my confidence in many ways and made me feel like a better woman . It 's an amazing thing , when something bothers you so much and then when its gone your almost a whole new person . This surgery has helped me greatly . I honestly went from feeling like I was the only woman in the world with this problem , the only woman who never felt perfectly cleansed down there , who worried when she was going to sit on her " sensitive 's " again , who worried that I 'd never feel 100 % relaxed or sexy during marital intimacies . So let me tell you … I am that woman who is clean , healthy , and sexy . . I had been researching Labial reduction for at least two years before I got lucky enough to meet Dr . Pousti and his amazing team . I was a little nervous calling to make the appointment and dreaded having to actually talk about this personal issue " out loud " . As soon as I heard Erika 's warmth and friendliness on the other end of the line , my nervousness disappeared . She made me feel so comfortable and put me instantly ease . My experience just kept getting better from there . When I walked into the office for my appointment , I was greeted by name and felt like I was visiting with friends rather than having a medical consultation . When Dr . Pousti entered the room and spoke with me , I knew my search for the ideal Doctor stopped right there . He obviously has a profound knowledge of his profession , but he offers so much more than just medical skill . One needs to be in the same room with him to understand . Mere old words can 't possibly do justice in expressing how this man restores peace with his mere presence . The day of the surgery was a wonderful experience also . I felt more like I was checking into a day spa than a medical facility . When I woke from the anesthesia I felt no pain at all . In fact even days after surgery , the worst I felt was a slight discomfort once or twice . I kept waiting for the real pain Something 's gotta give right ? How does one have such a major procedure , have it be a wonderful experience and not suffer any pain or side effects ? It 's been almost a month and I feel better than ever ! I can 't tell you how wonderful it is to shower or moisturize my body and be totally happy with it ! I can look in the mirror and actually feel sexy now . I 'm excited about having a sexual relationship where I am not self - conscious or inhibited . My spirit feels free ! Anyone considering having a labial reduction , or any procedure really , would be doing themselves a disservice if they didn 't make an appointment for a free consultation with Dr Pousti . Please don 't hesitate call Dr Pousti 's office and get my contact details . I am more than happy to discuss my experience and procedure either via phone , email or in Dr Pousti 's office . I am so happy I took that first step and made the call . This is about more than just aesthetics , it 's about peace of mind . Dr Pousti has given me this peace and I want to pass it along . So pick up the phone … it really is that easy . Thank you so much to Dr Pousti and his crew ! You 've changed my life and I 'm forever grateful ! Hello ! First off , I would like to thank Dr . Pousti and his staff for the work they have done . They are very friendly . I was very nervous about having this procedure ( and even talking about this procedure ) but as time went on , Dr . Pousti and his staff helped me and put my mind at ease . I would highly recommend him for any surgery . Dr . Pousti takes time to know exactly what your needs are and makes you feel secure . I am 31 years old , a teacher and a research practitioner . It was just seven weeks ago that I had both breast augmentation and labia minora reduction procedures by Dr . Tom Pousti . Since both procedures are in very sensitive and private areas , I would not go to just any plastic surgeon . I had many friends make recommendations to me as to where to go and had gone to approximately a dozen consultation ( maybe more ) from Coronado to Beverly Hills . Once I narrowed it down to the top two , I consulted with them again . I chose Dr . Pousti because he had the best credentials , he is a true artist , and he is the most personable doctor you will ever come across . I know I could trust him and I do not trust many people in general . He took A LOT of time to answer all of my questions and provided me with his expertise in assisting me to " design " the most natural look that I was unfortunately not born with . Additionally , he was very nurturing throughout the entire experience . I am naturally a very anxious person and was quite nervous . I never once felt like " just another patient " . I always felt taken care of . After I had made my decision , I collected various pictures of what I did not want to look like as well as what I had wanted . Dr . Pousti studied these photos I had brought to him and then asked me questions and together we designed my new breasts and labia minora . You are probably thinking what is that ? It is the stretchy inner lips of the vagina and I was very uncomfortable with the way mine appeared . It interfered with my sexual encounters since I was a late teen . I was embarrassed and I can say I am extremely happy with the results . ( I had asked my OBGYN on various occasions if they could do this procedure and they did not recommend it . They even had said that there was a good chance of losing sensitivity during intercourse . Well , I can vouch that that is not true . It is even more wonderful than it was before ! ) . Before I really speak to my results , let me tell you about the actual day of the procedure . I showed up early on Friday morning at the Grossmont Surgical Center . The nurses were absolutely wonderful ! They brought me into a little area where I changed out of my clothes and into my gown and slippers . Sounds like I was about to get a spa treatment , huh ? Well , that is how they treated me . I sat in a very comfortable lazy - boy chair . The nurses put warm blankets on me and gave me something to feel very relaxed , but not too relaxed because I was to speak with Dr . Pousti one last time prior to being rolled into surgery . We looked at all of the pictures again and had conversations in regard to my desired results . I couldn 't have felt more comfortable ! Then I began to feel the anxiety of pre - surgery and the nurses took care of that with a little IV . Didn 't feel a thing ! Next , I was introduced to the other staff members ~ all very nice and taking care of my every need . Shortly after , I was rolled in but I do not remember . Next thing I knew , I had breasts and an improved vaginal appearance ! I felt no pain . My friend was there to take me home , but first they gave me a couple of pain - killers . It was a short ride home ( I slept through it ) and I walked up my stairs to my bedroom . My bed was arranged with three pillows propped up and smaller pillows for my arms to rest on . I also had a pillow for under my butt to prevent swelling in the labia area . ( I had set this all up prior to leaving the house that morning which I highly recommend ) . I had all of my pills within reach as well as the remote to the TV and bottled water with a straw . The fridge was stocked and my friends who helped me the first three days were great ! I saw Dr . Pousti on Monday and everything looked great . My breasts were a little swollen and my labia minora looked better than I had imagined ! The first week I was slow but moving around by day 5 with no problems . If you are considering a cosmetic procedure , I would highly recommend Dr . Pousti as your surgeon . I am probably the most high maintenance patient Dr . Pousti has ever had " to deal with " and can be very difficult because of my very high expectations , but Dr . Pousti couldn 't have done a better job . Now I am back for laser hair removal ! First a little history : I have always had somewhat of a problem with extended labia , even as a teenager . I was used to the inconvenience of having to push my labia open when I urinated ( so I wouldn 't wet myself or the seat ) , but as time went by , I developed a more severe problem . I gave birth three times in my 30 's , and then I started menopause early at age 44 . After a couple of years into menopause , my condition got more inconvenient and uncomfortable ( no more bike rides , for example ) . Eventually I found that I had to push open my labia in order to have sex . Yikes , I said to myself - it 's time to get something done ! I did a lot of research on the internet and found myself going back again and again to Dr . Pousti 's website . I made an appointment and when I arrived , I was treated with sensitivity and discretion . Everyone has experienced those " loud mouth " people in other offices - yelling out your name and problem for everyone to hear . Well , you don 't have to worry about that at Dr . Pousti 's office . Everyone acts like you 're there just to have a little chat with the doctor And by the way , you will enjoy your visit with Dr . Pousti . He is really " with " you every time you see him . He is genuinely concerned and takes all the time you need for questions . His touch is very gentle , considerate , and professional . The first thing I remember after waking from my surgery was Dr . Pousti 's face . He was patting my shoulder telling me I would feel no pain . Oh sure , I thought to myself . Well , it was true - he was right - I felt no pain ! But I did feel a little pinch , so when I got home I took a pain pill , then I went to the bathroom . The little pinch turned out to be the sanitary napkin pinching my skin . After adjusting the pad , I was fine and never had to take another pill . This was the most amazing surgery I 've ever experienced ( and I 've had plenty ) . And the best thing of all is that I am more than happy with the results . I feel " normal " again ! Ask Dr . Pousti if you can do this for yourself after surgery : I have a dark tan complexion ( similar to Dr . Pousti ) and I scar easily . When the incision was healed , I felt scar tissue forming , so I purchased some Maderma cream ( for healing scar tissue ) and put that on morning and night . It made a big difference in my comfort and the healing process . I was afraid I was going to get as tight as a virgin - but maybe that 's what " you " will want ! Get in there and get your problem removed . I 'm sorry I waited so many years . Oh , and if you 're wondering , yes sex is better than ever because Dr . Pousti was extra gentle and careful around that " sensitive " spot . Two weeks ago I had labial reduction surgery and I could not be more pleased . It looks so good and at only two weeks post surgery ! I went in for a consult with Dr . Pousti and three weeks later I was having the surgery done . I am 23 years old and suffered problems from my labia minora since my very early teens . A few years ago I heard about the procedure and up until that time , I didn 't know there was anything wrong with me . After doing more and more research , I decided I wanted to have it done . I had it narrowed down to three doctors and out of those three , Dr . Pousti was the best doctor , in my eyes for the job . The day of my surgery , I was very nervous , like to the point of almost having a panic attack . Dr . Pousti reassured me everything would be fine and not to worry . One of my fears was pain . He told me that when I woke up , I would feel no pain and I didn 't . I could not believe how little pain this surgery involved . I was amazed when I walked right out of the hospital and ate my lunch on my ride back home to Palm Springs . Let me say that Dr . Pousti is the most considerate doctor that I have ever seen . He really cares about his patients . His staff is incredible . Everybody is so friendly and they make you feel so relaxed . Even the hospital where my procedure was performed was great . They just really make you feel good about yourself . If you are thinking of plastic surgery , Dr . Pousti is , in my opinion , the best doctor in the world ! If I ever want more plastic surgery , he is the ONLY doctor I will let operate on me . I had my surgery about six weeks ago and I am very pleased with my results . I was nervous and a bit scared about how I would feel afterward . I actually felt great . Dr . Pousti has been a great doctor and I will continue to use him if need be for anything . I 've already recommended him to a few close friends . Thanks for everything ! I had been insecure about my labia for many years , and finally decided to have labia reduction surgery . I did lots of research online , and was very impressed by all of Dr . Pousti 's before and after pictures . Today I am 7 weeks post - op , and I could not be happier with the results . It looks even more beautiful than I could have imagined ! I encourage anyone who is considering the procedure to do it . You will not regret it ! I only wish I had done it sooner ! After years of discomfort and embarrassment , I began researching online , and realized that in order to " fix my problem " . I would need labia reduction surgery . I was glad I had found a way to fix this , but now a bit nervous I would need surgery , and in that area made me even more nervous . After researching for a while , I narrowed it down to Dr . Pousti . His website was very helpful and reading all the testimonials eased me quite a bit ! I decided to and glad I did ! Dr . Pousti and his staff were GREAT ! The girls are very friendly and professional , as well as Dr . Pousti . I would recommend him to any one considering cosmetic surgery ! The surgery itself also went very well . There was really no pain at all ! Recovery went well , and was back to normal in a lot less time then I had anticipated . Over all my experience was more then I had hoped . Thank you Dr . Pousti and his staff . I recommend him 100 % ! ! ! I have been suffering from discomfort of my labia from my very early teens . I had dramatic weight gain as a teenager and first began to notice the problem . I am proud to say that I have lost 89 lbs . But no matter how much the rest of my body shrunk and got smaller that part just wouldn 't . It is very frustrating to work so hard to feel beautiful but still not be satisfied . I didn 't know there was anything that could be done about it until about a year ago . I did my research and found Dr . Pousti to be the best choice based on other testimonials and before and after pictures . The Dr . is a miracle worker as far as I am concerned . I am sooo sooo happy with my results . I didn 't think it was possible , but thanks to him it is . And his staff are so warm and friendly and very understanding . Of course you would be uncomfortable at first , I was , but I assure you you spend one minute with the doc and his staff and you mind and heart will be at ease . This experience has truly been a blessing because it no longer a dream it is finally real . I am sure you will find your experience to be the same . I came to Dr . Pousti , because I was interested in both having a labia reduction as well as breast augmentation . The office staff and Dr . Pousti were so welcoming , warm , answered all my questions , in a very professional manner . I was still very nervous about it all : the surgery , if it would be painful , everything that one worries about . Thus , I opted to just have the labia reduction , and to then return later for the breast augmentation , if the one , less invasive surgery went well . I now wish I would have done them both ! I recovered quickly from the labia reduction , and am very pleased with the results . Just beautiful . If , or when , I finally decide on breast augmentation , I will be going back to Dr . Pousti . Additionally , if anyone I know and care about were to ever want any sort of cosmetic procedure , I would not let them go to anyone else . Best of luck to you and your journey . I 've been self - conscious about my longer labia since I was 16 , and I finally decided to have labia reduction to make me feel better , Dr . Pousti performed this procedure under local anesthesia and the surgery was a piece of cake . The entire procedure took ½ hour to 45 minutes , and there was very little pain . The recovery time for me was just 3 days … I had it done Tuesday afternoon , and I was back to work on Friday . Afterward , it just felt like pinching , but that 's it ! Dr . Pousti and staff made me very uncomfortable about this embarrassing procedure . I am not so abnormal after all ! I love the results . . I am no longer self - conscious , and I am very happy with my decision to have this done after all these years , and happy that I found Dr . Pousti to make me beautiful .
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/ 0 Comment The sounds of happy children waft toward me as I walk into the children 's museum to pick up my 5 - year - old son after a class field trip . I find him with the other students in the lobby , listening to their teacher read a story as they wait for the parents to arrive . Henry 's voice tears through the sweet atmosphere as he spots me , screams and melts down in front of his classmates . Earlier , the entire class had ridden the city bus to the museum , and Henry wants to return in the same manner . No amount of consoling is going to fix this . Somehow , his teachers and I failed to prepare him adequately for this part of the day . A spotlight seems to be on the two of us as he continues to melt down . I feel the stares sear into my back . New here ? Glad you made it ! I write about my unique joys and challenges as Mom to Henry , a smart , tender , quick - witted , train - loving , autistic 7 - year - old with an infectious smile . I long to encourage autism parents and empower all to see inclusivity doesn 't have to be difficult - it can be beautiful . Like what you see ? Sign up here to receive news and occasional freebies just for insiders . Advocacy One of my dearest friends attends the same church as us . She and her husband have three adorable little girls and every Sunday these three little girls sit quietly with their mother and father . They look like stair steps , going from oldest to youngest , dark hair - light hair - dark hair . They may color or draw or sometimes play on a Kindle quietly . Once and a while , one of them will curl up and fall asleep in one of their parents ' lap quietly . If one of them has to use the restroom or get a drink of water , they ask for permission quietly . Did I mention how quiet they are ? Our family sits in the second to last row , way , way in the back . Because when you look at our row , it 's not sweet little ones sitting quietly . I wish I could tell you Sundays were easy but they aren 't . If I 'm not careful , I start to resent them . Six days a week , at least one of the boys has therapy , and the seventh day is Sunday . It 's not a day of rest , folks . First , there 's getting everyone ready . Racing around to find " church clothes " ( I know , I should done that the night before . Don 't judge ) and then getting them in the " church clothes . " Someone doesn 't like those shorts , this shirt has a hole in it , and is that even clean ? ( Must have grabbed it from the wrong mountain of clothes . Again , no judging ) . I 'm not even going to bring up the shoes . Finally , we 're on our way . This is usually the point where my husband and I get in our weekly fight . I have no idea what it 's about , why it started , or who wins . I just know by the time we get to church , there is some door slamming and walking off in a huff . Sunday school is next and it 's not so bad . There 's some singing and some chanting and then everyone goes with their respective age group . At this point , we have taken our six year old son , Gideon , with autism ( who is still potty training ) to the bathroom 14 , 671 times and had one success and threatened Daniel , our oldest son , also with autism , 9 , 643 times about appropriate behavior in Sunday school and had one success there too . But we 're okay . We 're fine . One of the things I love about our church is that it 's very family - centered . Children are encouraged to stay with their parents during the service . Our pastor has four children of his own and he 's learned to block out " kid noises , " like most parents . Everyone settles in . But , for us in the way back , we 're just getting started . In the last year , Daniel has decided that he no longer wants to sit with us . So he sits across the aisle . Each Sunday , he tracks down his First Thousand Words in Spanish book and that 's what he reads . While I 'm not certain he could pronounce them , I suspect if I gave him a test over those words , he 'd nail it . Ben , our middle son , tries to finagle his way into sitting with those three sweet girls ( because who can blame him ? ) . I might add , he is an angel when he sits with them . When he sits with us , well , not so much . Gideon stays with us through the first 20 or so minutes of the service before he goes to children 's worship training . Gideon likes to lie down . He 's not too picky about where he does it . Draped over several chairs , the floor , on top of me . It wouldn 't be so bad if Gideon were not a very , very big boy . This is the rodeo part I was talking about . Daniel tilts his chair back , looks at me , grins at my stern look of reproach , laughs , tilts chair back again . He carries with him a small cloth monkey , a fidget toy , which he employs to annoy the ever - loving snot out of me in various and sundry ways . Yes , I would like that monkey to disappear . I never , ever want to say , " Stop playing with your monkey at the dinner table , " ever again . But for now , the monkey stays . Gideon is laying on my lap . " I want water , " he says . So , I take him to get a drink and Ben follows to go to the first of fifteen bathroom trips . I wait for Ben so we can go back in all together , but he is taking forever so I knock . No answer . I whisper loudly that I 'm going to come in if he doesn 't come out . I 'm not paying attention to Gideon who is back at the water fountain and had given himself a shower somehow and water is now all over the front him . Ben finally appears . " Sorry , Mom , I had to go . . . you know . " Yes , yes , I know . That means I make him go back into the bathroom to flush the toilet and wash his hands . We 're back in our seats . We 're singing . Well , some of us are . Others refuse to stand and yet another is stimming with loud vocalizations and jumping up and down . Thankfully , our church family is used to us and no one seems to blink an eye . Ben has to use the bathroom again . Then the worst thing happens . A new family sits behind us . I panic . Sometimes I want to carry around business cards that I can hand out quickly that read , " Please excuse us . We have two children with autism . We apologize in advance . " Instead , I smile ( nervously ) at them . Ben comes back from the bathroom and then proceeds to spill 1400 Legos all over the floor . ( Who was the dummy that let him bring those ? Oh yeah . ) And Gideon wants more water and he 's gonna pinch me until he gets it . These chairs should have seat belts and complimentary rolls of duct tape . Finally , Gideon is whisked away for worship training by a buddy ( another way our church has been amazingly supportive of our family ) . Ben gets to play with his Kindle during the sermon so he commences to blowing stuff up or building spider spawn or whatever Minecraft stuff it is he does . Carl and I can relax . This may be the first and only 20 minutes of our whole week where we aren 't worried about Gideon breaking anything . Katherine , the youngest , is safe in the nursery . Ben is quiet . Daniel is occupied for now . We can finally be still and listen to the sermon . Sometimes I fall asleep ( we still aren 't judging ) . It 's not intentional . I 'm not doing it because I want to . It 's just so quiet and I can finally relax for 15 minutes and before I know it , my eyelids get so heavy and then I 'm jerking back awake . I 'm sure God doesn 't approve but then again , God also knows how just plain worn out I am and maybe He understands . So , we will put up with the rodeo that happens in our row in the back . We will apologize when one of the kids is having a rough day . . . or a normal day . We will smile ( mostly ) and feel blessed to be part of our church family because they accept each one of us as a child of God . Through them , we can see God 's love in a very tangible way . Maybe some of our children aren 't able to fully understand that , but they can feel it and they know they are loved . Sharon Peterson lives in Texas with her husband of fifteen years , four children , two cats , and a hermit crab . Two of her children have autism , one has dyslexia , and the youngest is three and the only girl . When she 's not hiding in a closet , she also homeschools , writes , reads , is actively involved at her church , and dreams of a bathroom trip uninterrupted . Finding laughter and beauty in a crazy , mixed - up world is one of her passions . She is currently working on her first novel . New here ? Glad you made it ! I write about my unique joys and challenges as Mom to Henry , a smart , tender , quick - witted , train - loving , autistic 7 - year - old with an infectious smile . I long to encourage autism parents and empower all to see inclusivity doesn 't have to be difficult - it can be beautiful . Like what you see ? Sign up here to receive news and occasional freebies just for insiders . Advocacy / Education / 0 Comment Autism Acceptance Month * is here . Since you 're reading this , you may feel as if this celebration isn 't needed . You 're aware . You accept . Doesn 't everyone ? Sometimes I feel the same way . But then something happens to remind me that not everyone lives autism awareness everyday . Someone asks me about vaccines . Someone asks me if Henry will grow out of it . Someone tells me she doesn 't know much about autism but really wants to learn . Someone asks me about the percentage of Americans with autism and drops her jaw at my response . Someone wants to know the difference between autism and Asperger syndrome . I am thrilled to be able to answer those questions , to direct people to resources , and to do so with grace and love . When someone cares enough to ask , I 've seen their heart . I live this every day , and maybe you do too , but many people do not . And they don 't need to live it every day , but they do need to know about it . Why ? Chances are , we all know someone on the spectrum . The CDC estimates 1 in 68 children in the US are diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder . This number isn 't mean to induce fear ; it is a statement of fact . More humans have atypical brains than we once imagined . Due to advances in science , knowledge , and understanding , more people are now diagnosed than ever before . ( For more on the history of autism , I recommend Steve Silberman 's Neurotribes . ) Not understanding autism prevents us from living out Matthew 7 : 12 : " So in everything , do to others what you would have them do to you , for this sums up the Law and the Prophets . " We can cause deep , long - lasting harm when we don 't know how to interact with those who process the world differently . As Christians - as humans - we should want to avoid this . We are all made in the image and likeness of God ; therefore , we all have inherent value and worth . We deny ourselves part of the fullness of human experience when we don 't take time to understand . Learning about others enriches our own sense of humanity , which in turn increases our empathy . New here ? Glad you made it ! I write about my unique joys and challenges as Mom to Henry , a smart , tender , quick - witted , train - loving , autistic 7 - year - old with an infectious smile . I long to encourage autism parents and empower all to see inclusivity doesn 't have to be difficult - it can be beautiful . Like what you see ? Sign up here to receive news and occasional freebies just for insiders . Advocacy / Delighted Living / Henry I don 't know what else to do , so I get up , close the nursery door , and return to our position in the rocker . Clearly frustrated , Henry slides out of my lap , shuffles across the room , and opens the door . I follow him in amusement as he makes his way to my bedroom . This is my first memory of a sign Henry had sensory processing problems , although I didn 't recognize it as such at the time . Instead , it was one more story of Henry 's amusing independence and strong will . " He knows what he wants ! " we explained with a chuckle . Children with Sensory Processing Disorder , which often accompanies Autism Spectrum Disorder , can have unique clothing needs . Some wear their socks inside out to avoid feeling the " bumps " ( seams ) across their toes . Others can 't tolerate the feel of buttons or zippers . Tags are an almost universal nuisance . He began protesting against jeans around age 4 , but I paid it little attention . Over the next three years , the protesting increased exponentially . In kindergarten he wore jeans a handful of times when I fought him over it . This year he hasn 't worn them once . My first grader doesn 't wear jeans . On Sundays he wears chinos he has approved for softness . Monday through Saturday he wears " soft pants . " You might know these as track pants , sweatpants , or athletic pants . In other words , the young Meredith who would not have been caught dead in sweatpants at school is now raising a child who wears nothing else . God is super funny like that . When I came face to face with the fact that my personal taste was the only reason for Henry to wear jeans , the decision was made . You know what they say about picking battles ? I wasn 't picking this one . Not anymore . My first - grader doesn 't wear jeans , and that 's ok with me . New here ? Glad you made it ! I write about my unique joys and challenges as Mom to Henry , a smart , tender , quick - witted , train - loving , autistic 7 - year - old with an infectious smile . I long to encourage autism parents and empower all to see inclusivity doesn 't have to be difficult - it can be beautiful . Like what you see ? Sign up here to receive news and occasional freebies just for insiders . Self - care / 4 Comments Not all sin is clear - cut : it 's often deeply tied to our motives and our hidden choices . I have zero judgement on anyone else 's choices . Conviction isn 't one size fits all . I 've been transparent about a period of severe depression after Henry was diagnosed . It 's not so much the diagnosis that causes depression as it is the extraneous details . It 's the devastating reactions from other people ; the ridiculous amount of research , paperwork , and appointments ; the difficult decisions ; and the loss of sleep . Every parent needs extra care during this time , but for a person who already struggles with perfectionism and maintaining mental health ? Well , it 's a recipe for disaster . What I haven 't shared publicly until now is that I turned to alcohol . It began with one glass each night , but pretty soon one glass wasn 't enough . Two glasses of wine each night dulled the pain , took the edge off . Whatever words you want to use , it all means the same thing : I was dependent . I was never drunk . Henry was never in danger . I was dependent , nonetheless . I don 't remember how or why , but gradually , my habit scared me . I didn 't need rehabilitation , but I needed a hard , honest look in the mirror . Jesus was calling me to lay this down . I felt a deep impression in my soul . Did I just say drinking was my idol ? I think I did . I needed Jesus to deal with the pain , not wine . I needed more time on my knees and less with a drink in my hand . And it 's not that I wasn 't already spending time on my knees . I was a Christian . I prayed and read my Bible and cried out to God regularly . Sometimes hourly . Really . But I still drank every night , and that was not ok with me . It wasn 't the first time I tried to dull pain with something other than God 's presence . In a previous season , I found myself losing weight rapidly , unable to eat or even look at food without feeling nauseated . There was no purging , no intention of losing weight . It was simply an inability to eat . The nausea subsided within a couple of months , and the pendulum swung in the other direction . One evening I found myself standing over my parents ' kitchen sink , spooning strawberry cake frosting into my mouth . Most nights , I stayed up later than everyone else and ate a second bowl of ice cream , even though I don 't crave ice cream . At the same time , I meticulously tracked every mouthful and weighed myself every day . I was both disgusted with my mindless sugar intake and unable to stop . The sugar obsession disappeared almost as quickly as it arrived . Not until years later was I able to see the reason for its disappearance was the reappearance of my mental and spiritual health . As dark and painful as they are to remember , these two seasons tell me everything I need to know about how my body handles intense periods of stress . I numb pain with idols . By the time I realized my drinking had become an idol , the nightly drinking had ceased , but the shock was enough to put on the breaks . Me ? I 've been outspoken about compassion and recovery for addicts since I was a teenager . Me ? The one people tease for not drinking ? Yes , me , and since Lent was approaching , I could not think of a better way to make room for Jesus . Those 40 days changed me , and it was the first time Lent made any sense . Ann Voskamp says , " One needs to be dispossessed of all the possessions that possess us - before one can be possessed of God . " So , I dispossessed myself of what possessed me , to make room for God to fully live in me . It is this part of my story that propels me toward both the women who still suffer in silence and the women who have fought and overcome the monsters in the deep darkness . We are a wounded bunch of recovering perfectionists and good girls . We clench tightly to our self - hatred like treasures in a buried chest , not daring to expose them to the light . We turn to alcohol , under - eating , over - eating , exercise , sex , and shopping . We do so under the guise of what can be wonderful , harmless fun like " retail therapy " and " girls ' night out . " And it 's all ok , until it 's not . Today , I endeavor each day to maintain a healthy mind and spirit . I am keenly aware of triggers and temptations . I seek help before falling into despair or turning to pain - killers . And I stand guard . If I feel I 'm too close to an edge in any of my choices , I ask for help to step back to safety . I refuse to become possessed again , not by sugar or alcohol or anything else . I will be possessed neither by tangible things nor by attitudes like insecurity , anger , bitterness , resentment , or self - pity . I want my spirit to be fully open to God , to being renewed and transformed . New here ? Glad you made it ! I write about my unique joys and challenges as Mom to Henry , a smart , tender , quick - witted , train - loving , autistic 7 - year - old with an infectious smile . I long to encourage autism parents and empower all to see inclusivity doesn 't have to be difficult - it can be beautiful . Like what you see ? Sign up here to receive news and occasional freebies just for insiders . Delighted Living Ok , God . This is a huge decision , and I think I know what to do , but do I really ? I mean , is this direction from you ? Or is this my emotion ? Am I being influenced by other people ? I really want to do the right thing here … Recently , I asked a group of special needs moms if they ever struggle with trusting their instincts in raising their children . Many of them answered with an emphatic no . Some of them answered no , though they admitted it was because they had learned the hard way . At some point in their past , they had trusted someone else instead of their own intuition , and their children had paid the price . A good number admitted , yes , they still struggled to trust themselves . Some of their reasons include : I 've felt the pressure of all of those reasons , and I know how difficult it is to dig in my heels and stand firm in what I know is right . I know God loves me no matter what , and I know He knows my heart . Still , I want to learn to hear to His voice . I want to know how to trust my Spirit - led instincts . Don 't you ? I 've culled my favorite tips after years of trial and error , studying God 's word , and reading books from trustworthy Christians . If you would like to know my time - tested way of discerning what is from God and what is not , then just click right here . Then , I hope you 'll use it and let me know what you think . Do you have any tips to share ? New here ? Glad you made it ! I write about my unique joys and challenges as Mom to Henry , a smart , tender , quick - witted , train - loving , autistic 7 - year - old with an infectious smile . I long to encourage autism parents and empower all to see inclusivity doesn 't have to be difficult - it can be beautiful . Like what you see ? Sign up here to receive news and occasional freebies just for insiders . Delighted Living / Henry Have you ever used a steam mop ? It 's kind of amazing . I could hardly believe how well it was cleaning my floors with no more than water . Elated , I stopped and snapped a quick pic to send to my parents , who had gifted me the mop for Christmas . " Thank you ! I 've never loved mopping so much ! " He giggled and replaced the cord . No less than a minute later , my mop stopped working again . I saw the same sly smile and pondered what to do . Could he be trying to tell me something ? Does he want me to play with him ? Is he bothered by the sound of the mop or is he just being silly ? Wait … regardless , he wants my attention , right ? See , I hear myself saying , " Just a minute , Henry , " an awful lot . I have to finish loading the dishwasher or flipping the laundry from washer to dryer or finish grading one more paper . And I hate that phrase , just a minute . I hate feeling as if I 'm putting him off , when he 's really the most important piece of my world . I wrestle with the fine line between assuring my child he is important to me and overindulging him . I want him to know when he calls my name , I 'll be there . I want him to know I value what is important to him . I want him to know he can call me from college at 2am because his heart is broken or he 's terrified he 's going to fail a test . But I also want him to know that chores must be done . I want him to know the meaning of responsibility and that , in our family , we follow through with our commitments . We honor each other and treat each other with respect by carrying our weight . Other times , she postpones mopping to another day . She chooses quality time over cleaning time . She knows if she says no too many times , she won 't be asked again . She remembers this life is but a breath . We mamas have a unique capacity to see both backward and forward . We see the baby that was and the adult that will be , and we soak up every moment in between . I don 't even remember what we did together after that . Maybe we played a game or maybe we put together some train tracks . Maybe we went outside . All I know is I made a choice in that moment to trust my instincts . I thought Henry needed me that afternoon , and I wasn 't up against a deadline to finish the floors anyway . New here ? Glad you made it ! I write about my unique joys and challenges as Mom to Henry , a smart , tender , quick - witted , train - loving , autistic 7 - year - old with an infectious smile . I long to encourage autism parents and empower all to see inclusivity doesn 't have to be difficult - it can be beautiful . Like what you see ? Sign up here to receive news and occasional freebies just for insiders . Advocacy / Henry I used to wonder if Henry would ever have conversations with us . I questioned his ability to communicate his thoughts and feelings in a way we could understand to form a response . I knew his brain processed and problem - solved ; this much was abundantly clear . What wasn 't so clear was his expression and if we would ever know the fullness of his intelligence and emotion . We will never know all his brain is thinking . ( But isn 't that true of all of us ? Aren 't all of us a mystery ? ) We are certain of Henry 's depth of thought , his critical reasoning , and emotional intelligence . We know his virtues and vices , what motivates him and what does not , where he excels and where he struggles . We know that at least once a week , he will recall a scene from his past that sheds light on a moment we didn 't understand . We know he 's a news junkie and a pop culture enthusiast . We know he is an excellent reader but likes math better . We know he hates art and loves music , though he doesn 't like performing and prefers to dance when no one 's watching . We know he cares deeply about his friends and would lasso the moon for us . I look forward to this year 's Lent and Easter . The discussions that began last year did not end , but they will likely resurface with greater intensity . What moments of beauty , clarity , and revelation await us ? Moms and dads around the country , just like Keith and me , have persevered in the face of doubt and confusion . We 've never stopped believing in our kids , fighting for our kids , and seeking answers for our kids , even when we 've had little reason to believe we should . And we 've seen them soar . If you ever doubt your child will fly , check out Rhema . Brooke . Owen . Kerry . Temple . Carly . They didn 't talk , didn 't fit any molds , didn 't conform . Yet , each one has defied expectations and risen above all odds . Without their parents ' faith , these individuals ' lives would be much different today . New here ? Glad you made it ! I write about my unique joys and challenges as Mom to Henry , a smart , tender , quick - witted , train - loving , autistic 7 - year - old with an infectious smile . I long to encourage autism parents and empower all to see inclusivity doesn 't have to be difficult - it can be beautiful . Like what you see ? Sign up here to receive news and occasional freebies just for insiders . Advocacy / Delighted Living / Henry / Self - care Because of my own regrets and hearing those of others over the years , I had a hunch I would see themes develop ; I was right . Though voiced through different words and experiences , the mistakes fit into 3 categories . Are you ready ? Here are the top 3 mistakes every special needs parent makes : We blame ourselves for not seeing the signs . We blame ourselves for having the wrong genes . We blame ourselves for what we ate during pregnancy . We blame ourselves for everything . We are experts at looking inward , but we must remember that our hands did not form our children in the womb . They were created on purpose by a holy , sovereign , loving God . Psalm 139 : 14 affirms we are " fearfully and wonderfully made . " For the mamas who feel they missed signs , I have a special message just for you : Guess what ? I did too . Parenting in the modern age means access to more information than ever , but that 's a double - edged sword . How could we possibly learn and remember the warning signs for every possible disorder , syndrome , disease , and birth defect ? We couldn 't . But , we know now . If we remain stuck in the past , we can 't be fully present today . Let 's give our children our best now , so they can be their best too . Sometimes we don 't know what to ask for . Even the most educated , organized , and emotionally healthy parents will have too many responsibilities and concerns at the point of diagnosis to ask all the right questions . Plus , let 's be real . Diagnoses don 't come with a life coach . Many parents don 't realize what is available to them until it 's too late . My friend Amanda says , " The mistake I made was not completing the forms soon enough for assistance ( TEFRA ) , etc . " And let 's say we do ask the right questions or , miracle or miracles , we find someone to help us on our journey . One of the most frustrating aspects of special needs parenting is the time required to research , file paperwork , and wait on proper services for your child . If we do everything right , sometimes the funding isn 't available or the wait list is too long . Simply put , time is not on our side . Other parents make the mistake of not asking for emotional support or respite care . They find themselves physically or mentally ill before realizing they need help . For me , the mistake was not only not asking for emotional support soon enough , but also not asking for practical , around - the - house support . ( You can read more about that here . ) I wanted to be strong enough to handle everything on my own , but I had a misguided definition of strong . Real strength is recognizing when you need help and accepting the help with gratitude and grace . The reality is that a sick parent cannot sustain the load of special needs parenting for very long . We 've all heard the adage , " An empty cup won 't pour . " The truth is even more grim . When our glasses are empty , we find the emergency rations and keep pouring . We move through our days on autopilot , with no time for mentally or emotionally processing our stress , grief , and trauma . Unfortunately , depending on the severity of our child 's diagnosis , functioning on autopilot for long can lead to PTSD and other mental illness for the parent , not to mention the damage we do to our children by not parenting as our best selves . When we are emotionally empty , we can 't possibly be fully present , engaged , and empathetic . We find ourselves reacting instead of responding and tuning out instead of tuning in . This is probably the mistake I hear most often . In hindsight , it 's easy to see how we would trust others following a diagnosis . What do we know ? Most of us haven 't been to school or received training for this . We think , surely , the experts must be right . Keith and I walked into our first IEP meeting with open minds and fearful hearts . Horror stories and advice from the internet bounced around my brain . Bring food . Smile . Don 't be defensive . Start with the assumption they want the best for your child . The team was kind , but as they outlined their recommendations , I bristled . " What about this ? " I countered . I thought I knew my options , but I was told those weren 't options . Hadn 't I done my research ? What was I missing ? The meeting ended ; I mustered a smile and thanked them . For what ? I wasn 't sure . Despite the fact these people didn 't know Henry at all , Keith and I told ourselves they were the experts and we were the newbies . We trusted they knew best . Unfortunately , the first IEP meeting resulted in a decision that , in hindsight , did more harm than good . From that point forward , we have always listened to our instincts first and then the people who have proven themselves over time to be trustworthy . Listening to our instincts may mean pressing hard for testing or evaluation when we suspect our children have a need . It may mean we have to stand up for ourselves or our children in the face of those who think they know best . It may mean educating ourselves on an issue , so we can provide an alternative idea , practice , or strategy . Listening to our instincts may also mean we need to be quiet , because even though we hate what is happening , we know that it 's necessary and good . ( Knowing which is which is the trickiest question of all . If you struggle with knowing how to listen to your instincts , I 'm developing a resource for you ! Stay tuned . ) I 'd love to hear your thoughts . Would you add anything to this list ? Do you have trouble with the blame game , asking for help , or listening to your instincts ? Comment here or on Facebook or drop me a note at meredith @ meredithmdangel . com . New here ? Glad you made it ! I write about my unique joys and challenges as Mom to Henry , a smart , tender , quick - witted , train - loving , autistic 7 - year - old with an infectious smile . I long to encourage autism parents and empower all to see inclusivity doesn 't have to be difficult - it can be beautiful . Like what you see ? Sign up here to receive news and occasional freebies just for insiders . Advocacy / Henry Yesterday , I climbed the stairs to the sounds of Henry playing in his train room . I turned the corner and saw a beautiful tunnel created from Magna - Tiles . We smiled at each other as I told him I was proud of his sculpture . In our home Legos aren 't for building . Legos are coal and rocks and cargo for trains . In our home we 've ( almost ) stopped wasting money on toys we know won 't be loved and encourage his passions instead . This is Henry 's creative play . This is his abstract play . He rifles through both the closet and the trash for new ways to build on what he already loves . He doesn 't not understand how to play make - believe ; he simply does so in unconventional ways . He avoids action figures for the same reason I avoid the gym ; he doesn 't like it . He 's not incapable ; he 's decisive . New here ? Glad you made it ! I write about my unique joys and challenges as Mom to Henry , a smart , tender , quick - witted , train - loving , autistic 7 - year - old with an infectious smile . I long to encourage autism parents and empower all to see inclusivity doesn 't have to be difficult - it can be beautiful . Like what you see ? Sign up here to receive news and occasional freebies just for insiders . Posts navigation
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All this last week the Hubs has been taunting me with a surprise . He refused to tell me until he got back from the business trip he has been on since Monday morning . Hence why I was left to deal with broken heat and dying hostas and all the rest . THEN last night he went out for drinks with a friend before he came home from the airport , so I was sufficiently tortured by the time he got home and desperate to know what it was . I received a little white package wrapped in tissue paper and tape . And . . . ( drum roll please ) IT WAS A CADBURY EGG ! ! ! ! I practically spit with excitement and I can 't bring myself to eat it just yet , so it is sitting in a china bowl in our dining room for all the world to admire its glory ( you can see it on Flickr at the left ) . I knew he was a sucker for me , and he tells me he is a sucker for me , but this is concrete PROOF of his suckerness . Thank you hubs . Last summer , one of my dearest friends asked me to be her birthing coach . You see , her husband was taking the g - d - awful BAR EXAM * in New York , NY and her due date was right around the actual BAR EXAM . Just in case , she figured that she would ask me to show up in advance and if he happened to be right in the middle of the actual exam , I would come . But puh - leaze , that was never going to happen , so I said skip - i - dee - do - da , of course ! Truth be told , I was really excited ! I love " A Baby Story " on TLC , and this is practically the same thing , right ? We talked about it a few times , she forwarded me her birthing plan and made clear all her wishes . I was totally prepared , but regardless , it was never going to happen , so I didn 't worry . My dear friend 's due date came and went with no baby . Monday , July 26th , the day before the bar exam , she went to her OB to see what the hold - up in vacating the apartment was . They took a look and decided that it was not going to happen anytime in the near future . The baby was wayyy far away from coming , she could relax . So , since the BAR EXAM was in New York , they both headed down there from Connecticut to stay with her mother in New York . That night , she drove her husband into the city for the BAR EXAM and wished him luck . This is the last I hear from her , so I am not worried . Two days of the BAR EXAM starting the next morning , but the baby is not coming , so no problem . Meanwhile , I am in mid - packing for my impending move to Boston . I stay up all night with my mom packing , packing , packing , and finally collapse at 5am to get a couple of hours of sleep before the movers come . And then I got the call at 7 : 15am . She is in labor . Que ? Labor . She and her mother and sister are getting into the car and driving back to Connecticut , and not telling her husband a damn thing . The man needs to take the BAR EXAM and who knows how long this show could take , right ? I frantically organize my mother with my two dogs , finish packing up the last of my things , show her where everything is , tell her what to tell thPosted by When I was in law school , I made some mistakes . I picked a job and an employer that was not right for me . I even realized it during my last year of school , but I somehow convinced myself that it would be fine and that I would enjoy it . I didn 't . I was terribly unhappy . I worked all the time . And by all the time , I really mean , all the freaking time . 100 hour weeks , all - nighters , flights all over the world at the drop of a hat , I even worked 50 hours straight once until I fell asleep on the table surrounded by clients . I believe that I actually had a nervous breakdown during the 50 hour marathon and I locked myself into a conference room and called the hubs in a puddle of tears . I literally could not pull myself together enough to stop crying . I had been at the printers for 40 hours and was facing another night of work and I could not imagine how I would make it . It was at that moment that I decided I had reached my limit . Now one of my dearest friends in the world is suffering through the same situation . The same employer , different circumstances , but the same unacceptable behavior and the same hopelessness . I wish that I could make her understand that as bad as I felt at the time , as interminable as I thought those feelings were , as much as I blamed myself and felt like a failure , I look back now and realize that I wasn 't insane and it wasn 't my fault . People are cut out for different things . Some people can stand to be treated like the scummy dirt on the bottom of other people 's shoes , other people know that they deserve better and demand better . Some people can learn not to take things personally , others just can 't separate the insults from their own self - worth . I definitely fall into the category of people who cannot tolerate the ill - treatment . For a long time I felt like a wimp and a failure . I couldn 't see how others could happily march into work day after day while I spent Sunday nights sobbing . But I know now that the same reason I couldn 't stand the meanness is the same characteristic that makes me uniquPosted by I thought we should go over my last 24 hours . . . Last weekend , when I went out and prepared my garden planting beds for my plantings , I found these terrible weeds . Big mounds of weeds with long roots that I had to violently attack with my shovel and ho and tear from the ground . I threw these weeds into a big garbage bag that I set by the back door to deposit in the yard trash . Yesterday , though , when we got back from vacation , I noticed all these green leaves poking out of the ground near where I tore up the weeds . Plus some lovely tulips and daffodils nearby . I examined the green leaves , the hubs examined the green leaves , and after a call to my mother - in - law , we determined that these lovely green leaves were in fact Hostas . Hurray ! We were going to plant Hostas anyway , now we have to plant less . But then I paused and realized that perhaps I should go look at my bag of weeds sitting by the back door . Guess what ? They have matching green leaves to those out in the yard . I SPENT HOURS TEARING UP HOSTAS so that I could go to the store and buy MORE HOSTAS . Hostas were in my garden already . So tonight and tomorrow shall see me replanting the torn up Hostas and hoping they do not die . They are chilling in buckets of water right now , and if you would like to pray to the gardening gods , I would appreciate it . Then , my beloved heat died again last night . In case you are keeping notes , I discuss my love affair with heat here . At 10pm , I was fighting with the heating people on the phone , while they insisted that this was not , in fact , an emergency and I needed to wait until today between 10 and 4pm for them to call . Because I don 't work or anything . I pitched a fit and they said they would fit me in last night , but they didn 't . So when I get home tonight I will have to again call and pitch a fit and insist that it is an emergency . Fabulous . Additionally , the hubs put a hold on our mail , after I screamed and threatened that I would NOT go pick up the held mail . I work over 12 hours a day and I just cannot deal with the additionalPosted by After a terrible few days with a sick puppy in the vet hospital , we left for a week of vacation to Florida . I soooo needed that little break . We went to Sarasota , Florida , where the in - laws live , but we snuck away to a hotel for a couple of days to spend some time alone and relaxing . Then we visited friends in Naples , Florida , who have 3 dogs . 3 ! Dogs ! In addition to our 2 ! It was a madhouse , but we laughed pretty much nonstop from start to finish . Then we headed back to Sarasota to celebrate Passover with family . That was also a madhouse with niece , nephew , cousins , sister and brother in law and all the parents . Phew . I need a vacation after my vacation . I also told the hubs to go ahead and schedule a vasectomy after our crazy weekend with all the kids , but that is another story . We had lots of fun and Murray was far better from his experience of being sick the week before . And we are rested and relaxed and happy . So please forgive my little hiatus from blogging , I have lots of silly stories to make it up to you ! Dear Mother Nature , I would like to heartily apologize for any misunderstanding in my previous post . I am terribly appreciative of all warm weather you grant us , mere earthlings . I would never take your generosity for granted . I think you are a marvelous fantabulous Mother Nature . If you would please refrain in the future from punishing us with SNOW in the middle of April , after allowing us to have a sweet taste of warmth and 74 degree weather after 6 months , I would greatly appreciate it . Your enormously grateful gardener and sunshine lover , Halloweenlover Thank you , thank you Mother Nature . It looks like spring may , possibly , potentially , hopefully have arrived . This Sunday was a GLORIOUS 74 degrees ! We went to a friend 's house for lunch and ended up sitting outside in this miracle weather and I was hot . HOT ! Can you believe it ? We came home and I spent hours in the backyard in shorts working in the garden . I use the term garden loosely , because my garden consists of a mound of dirt full of weeds . So today I am walking like an 85 year old because my back hurts so much from shoveling holes in the dirt and throwing compost down in the holes . Well , kindof . After reading my gardening magazines and books obsessively for weeks , I went into the backyard determined to dig some big holes , shovel in compost , and fill the holes back in , just as the diagrams show . The problems started when I couldn 't even get the shovel into the ground , it was so full of weeds and roots . I tried for an hour to dig a hole , but finally settled for taking my plow , unsettling the dirt , throwing compost on top , and using the ho to spread it around . The hubs and I walk around making jokes about our ho all day long , by the way . Who knew that dirt was so heavy ? And hard to move around ? And horror of horrors , FULL OF WORMS ? ! ? ! ? ACK ! Every few minutes another disgusting little slimy worm is unearthed and I have to keep from gagging . They are so ugly and creepy . The hubs thinks this distaste for worms is highly amusing and just chuckles as I gag . I fear that this may get in the way of my gardening dreams , but we 'll see . I purchased some lovely spring green gloves to keep the worms from my skin . I think I 'll be fine ( and fashionable ) . If all else fails , I will teach Tango and Murray to start killing worms on command . Hurray for spring ! ! ! I have a love affair with the heater in my house . To tell you the truth , it is a tempestuous love affair . The heat shuts down , we fight , I call in a third party , lets call him a therapist ( or repair man ) and then we make up . Since we purchased our lovely home in October , my dear sweet heater and I have fought 4 times . The beginning of our little " tiffs " started with the hubs . You see , the hubs fancies himself a " handy man . " A few days after we moved in , he decided that the screws to the house 's thermostat were loose so he decided to remove the thermostat cover , spackle the holes and rescrew in the cover . He did , but later realized that the cover stated in large letters that you needed to use a level . We don 't own a level . Problem , right ? Not for the hubs , he just eyed it , told me it was fine and rescrewed it back in . Throughout the rest of that night , I kept commenting to him that it seemed a bit cold . After complaining enough , he went downstairs to check the thermostat and found that the spackling job made it so the sensors weren 't touching anymore and our heat had shut itself off . No problem , the hubs is a handy man . He fixed it by screwing it in further and pushing it a little . Then he realized that the temperature was off because since it is no longer level , it is detecting the wrong temperatures . Since we don 't own a level , though , he isn 't sure how off it is . The next morning , though , he left on a business trip , sweet dear husband that he is . So I was left with this new thermostat that is clearly telling me the wrong temperature , but we 're not sure by how much . The hubs tells me to continue pushing the knob up until I find the right temperature . This was a BRILLIANT idea . The following night I turned the temperature up and was awake half the night because it was 150 bloody degrees in the house . The next day , I turned it down and had to sleep in a sweatshirt and flannel pajamas because it was too cold . I picked up the hubs from the airport and drove him straight to Home Depot to resolve this situation . We spent twoPosted by During my trip to California a couple of weeks ago , I had 4 people comment on how I looked far too young to be a lawyer . Before you start throwing things , I will admit that , of course , looking young makes me happy . But when one of the main purposes of your job is to inspire confidence in those people for whom you are working , looking young is NOT such a good thing . If I looked a couple of years younger I would be fine with it . But at the airport security checkpoint the helpful man asked if I needed my mom to come back to the gate with me . Because he thought I was under 18 . And at the movies , I had my arm threaded through my mom 's and another mother with her teenage daughter said " See , Sarah , we can be friends ! " Her daughter replied , " yes we can , EVENTUALLY ! " We all had a hearty laugh over that , and then the teenage daughter asked me what grade I was in . So when I got back to Boston , I decided that I had to do something about this . I could wear more makeup , but let 's be frank . I am damn lazy about getting ready in the mornings . I could change my wardrobe , but between our taxes and the hubs imminent schooling , I don 't have extra money . Changing my hair seemed to be the best idea . I made an appointment this weekend to get my hair cut and told my hairdresser that I needed to look older . Her suggestion was to go shorter and do layers . So layered and shorter we went . And now ? I look like a bobble head . You know those dolls that have huge heads on their little bodies and the heads bob when you tap them ? Yup , thats me . To my surprise , when my hair gets shorter it also gets more body . To a person with stick straight hair , this was shocking . And since there are loads of shorter layers , there is a lot of body . The top and sides of my head are very full bodied hair and the bottom layers hang normal and straight . The hubs says I look fine , and I have resorted to pressing down on my hair intermittently to make it lay flatter . I know , I know , it 'll grow out . At least I look like an older bobble head . The pups appear to have rejected the notion of daylight savings time . This is the fourth morning in a row that we have gotten up out of bed and they have peered bitterly at us from beneath the covers . In fact , this morning I cheerily told them it was time to wake up , which normally elicits some tail wagging and movement to the edge of the bed where I put them on the floor and we all go about our merry business . But this morning they didn 't even turn their heads to look at me . They ignored me . The Dogs . Ignored me . The same dogs who hear me opening a package of cheese from down the block , ignored me when I spoke to them from 12 inches away . I finally left to take a shower and when I came back Tango and Murray had each moved to their own pillows on the right and left sides of the bed and were lying with their heads on the pillow and their bodies under the covers . Like humans . I feel like there is something wrong with this picture . My pups each have their own webpage on this thing called Dogster . I know , I know , I am obsessed , but I blame this on my time living in Manhattan , where spending half your salary on your dog is accepted and expected . My dogs have attended doggy day care , which they did not like , and gone with us to the movies and out to dinner . Many times . Just call us crazy dog owners , everyone else does . Dogster has this button on each dog 's page where you can ask the dog to be your " Pup Pal " and then they send an email to said dog , or said dog 's owner , and ask them if they would like to be " Pup Pals " with your dog . This means that I get approximately 6 requests PER WEEK for Tango and Murray to be Pup Pals with some random dog . Don 't get me wrong , I appreciate the requests , and I am sure Tango and Murray do too . They love new friends . But as their list of Pup Pals is growing , I have realized that my dogs are more popular than I am . They have people asking them to be their friends all the time and I am starting to wonder why people don 't email me 6 times a week to ask me to be their friend ? I bathe more often than Tango and Murray do , I don 't lick my crotch , and I don 't eat dirt . I feel these are all desirable traits in a friend . They do wear more expensive clothes than I do and they travel in a Kate Spade bag , but still . Dogster is a little bit like Oprah too , I have discovered . We found Tango 's long lost brother on Dogster . His brother from his litter from his breeder who also lives in a suburb of Boston . One of these days we 'll have a reunion and maybe I 'll videotape it and post it . I 'm sure you can 't wait . See ? Just like Oprah .
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DREAM OF ME , 4B1 , is a Delos series novella and Sequel to BROKEN DREAMS , Book 4 . Alexa Culver is the fraternal twin to her older brother , Matt . She was an Air Force A - 10 combat pilot for three tours in Afghanistan . On her last deployment she met shy but sincere Marine Corps Sergeant Gage Hunter , who is a sniper . He too , is based at Bagram Army base outside of Kabul . They are a most unlikely couple to fall in love , but perhaps it is their different world experience that is the glue that binds them . They have worked through Alexa being captured along with many other charity women at a village , and having to be rescued by Gage and US Navy SEALs . This is a follow - up novella on where they stand with one another now that they are out of military . Alexa works at Artemis Security and so does Gage . Each has different wounds that aren 't entirely healed . Especially in Alexa , who had been kidnapped to become a sex slave to a millionaire in Pakistan . Gage is a hero in her eyes like no other man . He has the patience and love of her to deal with her sometimes awkward moments when PTSD flashbacks of her captivity hits her . Alexa loves Gage fiercely and knows she still has issues to work through , grateful that he stands by her . When she goes to Paris , France , to attend a Human Rights conference , no one expects what is about to happen . Alexa 's family , part Greek , Turkish and American , has made powerful , rich enemies . Their world is suddenly upended once again . And Gage isn 't sure they can mend the bridges once again between them after this latest attack on Alexa . Can their love survive ? Valdrin Rasari took one last look in the mirror of the Fontainebleau Hotel , only blocks from the famed Eiffel Tower . Tonight he was going to kidnap one of the Culver family 's grown children : Alexa Culver . He smiled coldly into the full - length gold framed mirror . His mouth curved even more at the irony that he , one of the major sex traffickers in the world , would be a wolf in sheep 's clothing at this conference on sex slavery . He could easily travel the world in disguise with forged passports . Right now , fifty countries had him on their no - fly list . Only third world countries were open to him buying the best children from parents who were starving . " Sell me your child , and you will live to put food on the table for a year for the rest of your family . It 's a good trade . " This evening at the cocktail party in the huge chandelier ballroom downstairs , no one would recognize him . At six feet tall , muscular without being muscle - bound , he would carry a cane , under the guise of Dr . Analius Revig from the University of Oslo . His injury was from a " skiing accident " in his twenties , of course . Today , his short black hair was dyed gray , and his square - jawed face now sported a sporty gray mustache . His brown eyes had blue contacts over them , covered further by a pair of fashionable wire - rim glasses . After all , he was pretending to be a sixty - five - year - old man . . . Since his alter ego was a professor , he dressed in a fashionable brown wool sport coat and black wool trousers . Under the elegant coat , he wore a white cotton shirt that had been ironed to perfection ; it gave him a professorial look . He wore a black bow tie that was in keeping with the look he desired . He was looking forward to prowling the huge gathering , eavesdropping , and seeing who was there . Valdrin took great enjoyment in being undercover . He spoke six different languages , Norwegian being one of them . Placing his old leather wallet into his coat pocket and his passport in an inner pocket , he adopted the proper slump and slight lean to the right , his cane in his left hand . Fortunately , he had one of those nondescript faces that no one would ever recognize . In fact , he had destroyed any photos of himself for the last thirty of his forty - five years on this earth . No one really knew who the monstrous Rasari was or what he looked like , even while he was on every country 's radar . He left his bodyguards behind , a door between the sumptuous rooms . They were handlers from the compound who also looked nondescript , nothing like the usual hulking guards . He smiled , ruffling his hair so it looked like an older person 's hair . Perfecting his slump to the right and engaging a proper limp , he walked around the huge suite until he felt comfortable with his disguise . His target ? None other than Alexa Culver who was attending . The pleasure of revenge filled him . By the end of the night she would be lured into his suite , drugged , and then become his personal sex slave . And then her loving family would suffer equally as much , never knowing what happened , where she was and that she would never return home . Kira Duval was part of a Special Forces team that got caught in an ambush - leaving only two wounded survivors : herself and Weapons Sergeant Garret Fleming . Losing her team was traumatic , and in the chaotic aftermath , as the Army moved them from hospital to hospital , she lost Garret too . But she never lost her secret yearning for him . Two veterans - one human , one canine - have returned to Montana to recover from the traumas of war . Former Army Ranger Nick Conway depended on his WMD dog Snowflake to help him navigate IEDs on the battlefield . Now he needs his best friend to help him cope with his PTSD and acclimate to civilian life . When he meets Holly McGuire and agrees to help her deliver meals to the elderly , her inner light calls to him , but his demons hold him back from giving in to his attraction . But Snowflake takes an immediate shine to the kindhearted Holly - and he has never led Nick down the wrong path . Snow was coming down hard in town as Nick drove the van toward the shut - in area at four p . m . The smell of spaghetti and buttered , garlic toast filled the vehicle . Myra had made sweet potato cupcakes for dessert , and he stole one before they left the charity facility . It was nearly Thanksgiving and he was looking forward to taking Holly to his folks place for the afternoon and evening . The wipers were rhythmically swinging back and forth , throwing off the heavy , wet flakes . The roads were salted , but still Nick was wary of invisible black ice . In the late afternoon the heat of the day was gone and things got slick real fast . Nick slowed and pulled over to the curb , then looked to where she was pointing . There was a yellow Labrador moving awkwardly through the belly deep snow between two brick buildings . Her ribs were prominent even though she had a short , thick winter coat on . " She 's starving , " he muttered , scowling . " It looks like a female Lab . She 's too dainty looking to be a male . " " She 's terribly thin , " Holly said , worried . " I wonder if someone dumped her - they do that all the time around here . I hate it . " " No collar on her , either , " Nick agreed . The Lab was about a hundred - feet down the alley between the two buildings , slugging it out with the snow . Nick heard Holly make a little sound of urgency . She had such a big heart , and she hated to see animals or humans suffer . Nick knew she wanted to get out and try to call the dog over to her . From the looks of the animal , her light - brown eyes wild looking , tongue lolling out of her mouth , her fur matted , he intuitively knew this was a dog that had been left behind a long time ago to fend for herself . " She 's feral , " he warned Holly . She turned , her huge , blue eyes filled with tears . " She won 't let us near her . I 'm sorry . " And he was . It wouldn 't be the first dog dumped here that Nick had found , or that Holly had come upon around the building of one of her shut - ins . They had a no - kill shelter here , and this Lab would have had a warm place to stay , food , and care if they could befriend her . Willow sighed when she heard Sue 's voice call out that Flynn had just pulled in . They had just gotten caught up on their schedule and now whatever animal he 'd brought in would probably throw them off again . Well , shoot . Running her hand over her belly she smoothed her shirt . It didn 't matter what she looked like right now - considering he was probably bringing in an emergency - but she always wanted to be pretty for him , and six months after having the baby it was a little harder . Between running around like a chicken with her head cut off keeping her business running , taking care of little Raven and trying to be a present wife , she was run ragged . Automatically , she smiled when Flynn walked in the door . Her big , handsome husband still had his shades on , but when he looked at her his hard , bearded face softened into a smile . That small connection had only gotten stronger in the time they 'd been together , and she truly cherished it . Maya , the mixed breed German Shepherd mutt paced around him , prancing anxiously . Flynn flashed her an even broader grin and leaned over for a quick kiss . Willow wanted to linger but forced herself to pull away . She looked down at the animal . Flynn turned the bundle until he could show her the back end . " Looks like he 's been hit by a car , maybe . I chased him across three lanes of traffic before I could catch him . " Reaching out she probed at the hanging back leg . " Yes . I would say you 're right . I 'll dose him up with pain medication and splint this leg , then we can call the wildlife rehab center to come pick him up . They have their own vet that specializes in exotic animals . He doesn 't look very old so he should recover fairly well as long as he gets this fixed soon . " He 'd shoved his shades to the top of his head . His dark gray eyes were lit with wonderful softness . " Nothing . I 'm just peeking down your shirt . I can 't believe how beautiful you are . " Willow grinned up at the love of her life . A year ago she never would have imagined she could be in this position , but things had seriously changed . Flynn had gone from a frequent client in her veterinarian 's office bringing her strays to her hero then her soul mate . He was everything she could imagine having . And he 'd already become the amazing father she had imagined him to be . The raccoon fought a little , trying to get free , but Flynn restrained him like a professional , biceps pumped . Willow worked quickly , giving the animal a light sedation before lightly splinting the back leg . Then she let Flynn carry the animal to one of the portable carriers in back . Tanner Hill is better at communicating with animals than women . That might be why he hasn 't had a second date in over two years . He 's also been extremely busy with his kennel that has become the premier training facility , specializing in supplying dogs to veterans suffering from Post - Traumatic Stress Disorder . Then again , there is this psychologist he can 't get out of his head , or his heart . Dr . Bailey Conrad would never allow the loss of half her right leg to an IED in Iraq to stop her . Every day at the VA hospital , she sees patients who have lost so much more to the war effort . It 's her goal in life to help as many vets as possible to find a ' new normal ' , because she knows firsthand , it 's the internal scars that can be the most difficult to heal . Case stepped forward . " I 'm almost finished , and I 'll be leaving in a minute . " He gave Bailey that lady - killer smile of his . " I 'm sure she can wait another minute for me to escort her to her car . " Bailey smiled inwardly as she watched the interaction of the two alphas , snarling at each other . Friends , huh . Tanner was acting very possessive for only being friends . She slid her arms down her winter coat sleeves and zipped it up . She could make it to her car on her own . The snow wasn 't that bad . Before she made the first step onto the sidewalk , Tanner was at her side . He grabbed her hand and slid it into the crook of his elbow . " You 're going the New Year 's party with me . " Please come and bring your pet photo with you ! This is more of an honoring of our dog and our military vets than anything else . A special time for special animals in our lives … . At last ! Gage and Alexa 's book is finally here . I has been an exciting 3 1 / 2 months , bringing out the first four Delos Series books to you ! Forged in Fire , Book 3 , you meet Delta Force Sergeant Matt Culver , the twin to his younger sister by five minutes , Alexa . Matt doesn 't expect to fall in love at Bagram Army Base , but when he meets pediatrician Dara McKinley , who is volunteering her medical expertise in Kabul , his life changes forever . And so does hers ! Broken Dreams , Book , 4 , meet Captain Alexa Culver . Marine Corps sniper , Gage Hunter , was broken years earlier by a harsh life while growing up . Never , in his wildest dreams would he consider falling in love with US Air Force Captain Alexa Culver . But he does . And both their lives changes in ways they could never imagine . Alexa Culver , US Air Force combat pilot , A - 10 Warthog , has had five deployments to Afghanistan over the years . Her life is devoted to keeping the men and women on the ground , safe from the enemy . A risk take by nature , she braves everything the enemy can throw at her aircraft as she swoops danger close to save lives . WOW ! It has been a labor of love on my part to put out these 100 , 000 word novels about 3 . 5 weeks apart , but well worth it because it gives you an over view of my next military family saga , Delos . You get to meet the three adult siblings who will create Artemis Security , the Delos in - house firm to protect the 1 , 800 charities that are flung worldwide , to help those in need . Gage said , " I want to enter that cave and set them down along it , so if the women are being pushed out in this direction , we 'll know ahead of time . We can also hear others talking . I know Urdu . So do you . We 'll be able to hear what 's going on and be better able to prepare for when they come out . " He looked over at the hard profile of the LPO , Drummond . " What do you think ? " " Okay , " Drummond muttered , " let 's get all fifteen of those speaker nodes set up if you can . We can use all the help and pre - warning we can get . And I want you wired up with a radio that has fresh batteries in there . We 'll have the ability to talk or click back and forth once you get into that cave . Give us the layout and anything else you find . " " Got it , " Gage said . Relief shot through him . He wanted - no , needed - to do something ! He had instinctively known that Unimog would turn and come their way . He also knew Alexa and those other women were in deep trouble - he just didn 't know how bad it was . His heart clenched in his chest as he freed his emotions for just a moment , allowing his love for Alexa to surface . He 'd been fighting the feeling ever since he met her . No one fell in love at first sight . It was impossible . But he couldn 't ignore the feelings in his heart for Alexa , even though he knew it was far too early to say anything to her . They had to have time . And he wasn 't sure they 'd ever get it . Gage knew she would be changed by this experience in the caves , but he didn 't know how . He knew slave traders all too well , and he sensed that something terrible and deeply traumatic had already happened to her and the other women . He knew he would love Alexa no matter what had happened . He 'd be there for her , damn it , one way or another . He 'd help her get back on her feet because he was in for the long haul - if she 'd allow it . Gage hesitated . " I 'm a sniper . I know how to stalk . If I see or hear something , I may detour , but I 'll be in radio contact with you if I do . Right now , you know we need eyes and ears in there . " He suddenly grinned , his teeth white against the blackness of the night . " Besides , " Gage said , his voice wry , " there 's no one better to do it than a Marine . . . " " What can we do ? " Alexa tried to steady her voice . When she was in the heavily armored cockpit of her A - 10 , she felt protected . Even if she made low , slow passes to strafe and destroy Taliban trying to overrun an American position , she still felt safe . Here ? In an Afghan village ? She felt like a target was on her back . Gage Hunter was placing himself between her and the world around them , shielding her . A fierce sense of gratitude rose in her chest . She wasn 't wearing a protective vest . In fact , her only weapon was a . 45 pistol in a holster on her right hip . Alexa hadn 't been expecting this at all . " Incoming ! " Gage suddenly yelled into his radio , alerting the other Marines . Instantly , he turned , savagely shoving Alexa down onto the muddy soil and dropping , trying to cover her . It was an RPG , fired from a launcher by their enemy . " She stood near his right side and behind him . This wasn 't the first time she 'd been hit on in a canteen at Bagram Army Base . As an officer , she had the rank , and Alexa was more than prepared to use it , but Gage , as if reading her mind , lifted his hand , opening it toward her . " Gage Hunter tried to swallow his impatience . The SEALs had split up ; he had moved with three of them to the other side of the ridge . They 'd gone through the night fighting ankle to knee - deep snow . He was cold , his fingers numb , even with the protective gloves on his hands . The stars blinked above them in the night sky . It was 0400 by the time they 'd gone down four thousand feet lower and onto another trail using their GPS . " BROKEN DREAMS , Book 4 of the Delos Series , is Alexa Culver 's story . She is a USAF A - 10 Warthog combat jet pilot who flies the skies of Afghanistan , keeping troops on the ground safe . She comes from a military dynasty family . USAF Captain Alexa Culver is not weak or incapable ; just the opposite . She loves to fly . She 's been deployed to Afghanistan for four years straight . Her twin brother , Delta Force Sergeant Matt Culver , is also assigned to Bagram Army Base . And so is her oldest sister , Captain Tal Culver , USMC , who is assistant CO to a Marine sniper unit operating out of the same base . BLOG TOUR for BROKEN DREAMS coming December 27 , 2015 through January 8 , 2016 ! A $ 10 . 00 Visa card giveaway , so take the tour with me ! There will be exclusive excerpts and photographs that only you will see ! The smell was intoxicating . Gage ordered two more beers and paid the bartender for everything . It was the least he could do for Matt . He 'd been a good friend for years . Gage 's mouth watered as he looked at the pizza . It was a triple cheese and pepperoni , and Matt was placing a big wedge on his plate . The two men began wolfing down the slices , nearly burning their mouths , but they couldn 't have cared less . Gage lost himself in the spicy - sweet taste and aroma of the salt and cheese and saw that Matt was busily attacking the rest , gulping it down as fast as he could . Suddenly , Gage was aware of a faint , feminine fragrance . As a Marine Corps sniper , his senses were acute , and he picked up the subtle scent of almonds . Where was that coming from ? " Well ! I 'd better hurry up and grab some pizza , or it 'll be all gone before I can sit down ! " She greeted her brother and aimed a warm smile at them both . Gage instantly put down his pizza and stood up , giving her a slight nod of hello . Matt did the same and then pulled out the chair between himself and Gage . " Hey , Alexa , you got here just in time ! Gage and I were taking no prisoners with this pizza . Have a seat . " Gage was mute , however . All he could do was stare . Damn ! Alexa Culver was drop - dead gorgeous ! Never mind that she wore a shapeless desert - colored flight suit . Her red hair was almost auburn , with gold and burgundy strands mixed into the single braid between her shoulder blades . She was probably around five feet seven inches and maybe one hundred thirty - five pounds . And she was curvy in all the right places . She took off her Air Force garrison cap and stuffed it in a large pocket in the thigh of her flight suit . Alexa turned , smiled , and said , " Nice to meet you , Gage . I 'd shake your hand but I 've got pizza in both of mine . " She laughed , holding his dark gaze . " Oh , please , drop the ' ma ' am . ' " She smiled and held his gaze . " I 'm Matt 's sister , so any friend of his is a friend of mine . " Gage felt like a shy teenager again , awkward and out of his league , as he stared at her . And then he caught himself , snapped out of it , and resumed eating , but with less gusto . This woman fascinated him . Everything she did , everything she said . He found he was enjoying watching Alexa eat . The woman ate like she meant it , not like a lot of women who picked through their food , leaving half of it on the plate . At the same time , there was a delicacy to her , from her long , slender fingers to the clean line of her neck . He wondered if it extended to the rest of Alexa 's body that was hidden beneath the frumpy flight suit . He was mesmerized by her mouth , those lips of hers ; she didn 't wear any lipstick , but she didn 't need any . Gage 's lower body stirred , reminding him how long it had been since he 'd had a relationship . This woman , though , was off - limits . She was his friend 's sister , and that was taboo among military men . One did not go after a buddy 's sister .
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Megan emailed this to me a while ago . . . . Welcome to the Christmas edition of getting to know your friends Okay , here 's what you 're supposed to do , and try not to be a SCROOGE ! ! ! Just copy ( not forward ) this entire email and paste into a new e - mail that you can send . Change all the answers so that they apply to you . Then send this to a whole bunch of people you know , INCLUDING the person that sent it to you . . . . . . Tis the Season to be NICE ! 1 . Wrapping paper or gift bags ? wrapping paper2 . Real tree or Artificial ? I prefer real , but we have had artificial since I was about 5 because I almost died in a fire or something3 . When do you put up the tree ? right after Thanksgiving4 . When do you take the tree down ? whenever6 . Favorite gift received as a child ? I don 't know . Maybe my yellow sweatsuit with bows and buttons all over it7 . Do you have a nativity scene ? My mom has one and I like to put the animals on the roof . She gets mad at me , though . 8 . Hardest person to buy for ? everyone in my family is pretty easy to buy for9 . Easiest person to buy for ? my mom10 . Mail or email Christmas cards ? mail11 . Worst Christmas gift you ever received ? nothing that I can think of12 . Favorite Christmas movie ? we have a while tape of retro ones from when we were kids that I love to watch13 . When do you start shopping for Christmas ? as soon as I see something that I want to give to someone14 Have you ever recycled a Christmas present ? no15 . Favorite thing to eat at Christmas ? my mom 's Christmas candy16 . Clear lights or colored on the tree ? clear or all red17 . Favorite Christmas song : The Christmas song , All I want for Christmas is you , Joy to the World18 . Travel at Christmas or stay home ? we always travel19 . Can you name all of Santa 's reindeer ? sure can20 . Angel on the tree top or a star ? an angel that my great aunt Fern made21 . Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning ? presents whenever we are all together , stockings on Christmas morning22 . Most annoying thing about this time of year ? nothing . I LOVE CHRISTMAS23 . Favorite ornament theme or color ? hodge podge2Posted by I was fortunate that I was able to spend Christmas with my family this year , despite the fact that it involved a lot of traveling . On Friday I went from Chicago to Burlington to Early , Iowa . After spending the night at my grandparent 's farm , we headed to Rock Rapids , IA for my dad 's family 's Christmas dinner . This is always a nice get together , as I usually only see these members of the family every other year . We headed back to the farm where we had my mom 's side of the family Christmas on the 23rd . We had a nice dinner and played some traditional Domino BINGO . We were all winners . On the morning of the 24th , we were up early and back in the car for 5 . 5 hours back to my parents new house in Burlington . We had a nice dinner , opened gifts and attempted the casino . . . but it was closed . Christmas morning we woke up to stocking stuffed by the chimney with care . We had the laziest Christmas Day in history . I was still in my pajamas at 3pm and layed around and watched sports most of the day . We did have a vicious mid day game of Monopoly , where I cleaned up . Tomorrow morning I will head back to Chicago bright and early . Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night . Posted by People tell me all the time that I am too busy and I am crazy . I personally like my life busy and don 't like to have too much spare time in which I am allowed to let my brain rot . . . and we have always known that I am a little weird . This past week was exceptionally busy . Tuesday night , Mel came into town for a 5 day stay as she had a conference in the city . I am pretty sure she just went to a book fair , but insists it was a conference . Starting on Wednesday , I am on an 8 day stretch at the hospital , which is extra busy because we are full with kids right now . Thursday I worked 14 hours at the hospital then went to Oak Park to meet up with Sanj and hang out for a little while . Since it is the holiday season there were even more social commitments . . . like a Wig Out it 's the Holiday 's party on Friday night that a friend from college was hosting . Mel , Lisa and I threw on out hottest wigs and made an appearance at the party . A very fun theme with some interesting hair pieces . Saturday proved to be another long day as I worked at the tanning salon , the hospital then attended my work holiday gathering . The work holiday gathering was definitely a quality over quantity attendance and a blast . We had so much fun hanging out outside of work . Megan was also in town for a conference so I had the opportunity to have lunch with her and a few hours of quality hanging out time before heading back into the hospital . Tomorrow is another long day of tanning salon and hospital with a break from work on Wednesday . I really need to get to work on my Christmas cards . I am pretty excited about the one 's I picked out this year , so it would be a shame if they didn 't make it in the mail . The biggest thing I am looking forward to this month is heading home for Christmas . I have 5 days off and can 't wait to bub it up . For quite some time I have wanted to try Brussels sprouts . Well , I made some the other day and they were amazing . I love them . They might be my new favorite vegetable . I was in Indy this past weekend for Mel 's 30th birthday . Ok , so it was really her 27th , but we decided that we would celebrate her 30th for the next 3 years so that it will be less traumatic when the big 3 - 0 actually rolls around . We had a lot of fun just hanging out . So , happy belated Mel ! My trip to Hawaii was off to a quick start when I landed and learned that I had an event to attend an hour and a half after landing . My main reason for going to Hawaii was to support Aaron 's AMA campaign . So my first 48 hours was filled with AMA event , which I must say , were surprisingly fun . After all of the campaign hoopla ended , I took to relaxing to the max on the beach . I bought some amazing tanning " lotion " called maui babe at the local gift store . I call it " lotion , " because it is actually two types of oil and coffee extract mixed together . While Aaron and I layed on the beach , we developed the routine of the slathering this stuff on , laying there until we were too hot to take it anymore ( usually 30 - 45 minutes ) and then frolicking in the ocean until sufficiently cooled off . After the 3rd or 4th round of this , we discovered a way to put our arms at the bottom of the ocean and hole ourselves there like doing a push up with our legs floating behind us . This became the way that we tanned our backs and only had to be out of the water and in the intense sun to tan our fronts . I would recommend maui babe to anyone that wants to get an intense tan in a very short amount of time . There was also a lot of good eating while on the trip . Mostly seafood , but we did also eat at a great Korean BBQ . I am sure I have never consumed so much ahi in my life , and it was all delicious . One day on the way back from lunch on the beach ( a brief hiatus from tanning ) we were walking down some steps when an Asian tourist stopped Aaron and I . She had a disposable camera and said something about a picture . With a good 2 minute confusion and us repeatedly agreeing to take her picture , we finally figured out that she wanted a picture of US ! Maybe we looked like celebrities , or we will be photo shopped on some foreign porn site , or maybe she just wanted to show the people back home the white people she saw , we posed and let her take our picture . The interesting thing about Hawaii is that there were 3 things that I saw everywhere . . . Coach stores ( Posted by This past weekend , I went to Lenora 's lake house on Diamond Lake in Michigan . Three other ladies I work with and I all went up on Friday night and stayed until late evening on Sunday . When we got there Friday night , we unpacked and promptly headed out to the deck and built a fire in the fire pit . We stayed up talking around the fire until 5am on Saturday morning . When we awoke around 9am Saturday morning , we made breakfast and took our chairs and sat down by the lake until about 2 when we headed back to the house to eat lunch . After lunch we did yard work and gathered wood for Saturday night 's fire and returned to our chairs to watch the sunset . With the sun down , the chilliness settled in and we had a fire burning by 7pm . That fire kept us warm until we went to bed at 6am on Sunday morning . We napped until 10am then got up to make breakfast . After breakfast we took about a 8 mile walk most of the way around the lake . After lunch , we lounged around the house until it was time to pack up and leave . We had an awesome time just relaxing and hanging out . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I am home for 3 days then pack my bags and head for Hawaii . . . I CAN ' T WAIT ! ! ! Hopefully , I can have as good of a time as my parents had when they went for their anniversary . Let me refresh your memory : Dad after completing the Hawaii Marathon : Mom riding the dolphins : Two days after I return from Hawaii , I head to Indy to visit Mel for her birthday ! Yesterday , I saw The Darjeeling Limited . It has gotten mixed reviews from many , but I thought it was a good movie . Not phenomenal by any means , but a zany and offbeat movie that is fun to watch . The characters were played very well . Owen Wilson cracked me up , because some of his neurotic behaviors reminded me of myself at times . I also loved Adrien Brody , reminding me at times of Mel . Some of the situations that they get themselves into remind me of adventures that I have had with friends . The bottom line : I would recommend it if you want too see a movie that is a little more original . 4 things about me . Fun and short . Four jobs I have had in my life : 1 . Subway sandwich artist2 . Resident Assistant3 . I worked several positions at a summer camp for girls4 . front desk girl and master bed cleaner at a tanneryFour places I have lived : 1 . Marcus , Iowa2 . Iowa City , Iowa3 . Burlington , Iowa4 . The HutFour places I have been on vacation : 1 . The Wisconsin Dells2 . San Diego3 . Toronto , Ca4 . JamaicaFour of my favorite foods : 1 . Subway2 . Hash brown casserole3 . Tater tot casserole4 . Eggplant ParmesanFour friends that I think will respond first : 1 . Angie ( on her blog ) 2 . maybe my brother3 . Mel on her blog ( probably not , though ) 4 . ? ? Last weekend I trekked back home where I met my mom and brother and continued our journey across the great state of Iowa to visit my grandpa and throw him a surprise birthday party . On Oct 25th Gramps turned 86 . He was very surprised by the party and had a great time . It was a small gathering of my mom , brother , aunt , uncle , my cousin and his wife and 2 1 / 2 kids . We had a really good time , ate an amazing meal that my mom cooked and hung out . I let my cousin 's little girl Brianna help me make Grandpa 's birthday cake . Needless to say , she got a little messy and needed to take a quick bath in the sink before the party started . My mom took my grandpa out for a drive while my brother and I decorated the house . He had no clue what was coming for him ! My grandpa loves carmel corn , so I stopped at Nuts on Clark and picked some up for him right before I left Chicago . When he opened it , my brother asked him what the bag said ( Nuts on Clark ) . My grandpa yells out , " NUTS ON CRACK ! " Hi - lar - ious ! Josh and Adrianne . He loves her , probably because she can eat as much as he can ! Sanj is an awesome coworker , or was . I sadly had to say goodbye to Sanj this month as she accepted a new job after 21 years on our unit . She was a great mentor and a wealth of knowledge that people could always go to for anything . In honor of her , we had a backyard BBQ complete with fire pit . Sanj is an outdoorsy gal with a love for encased meats , so this was right up her all . We had a fabulous turnout and a great time . Dan , Michael , Kevin and Keno Look at that great fire Nina , Sanj ( showing off her encased meat ) , and Beth Beth , me , Kristen , Sanj and Dan Sanj showing off her chicken livers ( one of her favorite foods . . . gross ! ) Since Iowa usually plays Wisconsin around this time of year , I waited to post the pictures of the game until now . . . or I have gotten really bad at blogging . Lisa , Katie , Dames and I went to a bar to watch the game and Vanessa and Tim met us there . I also ran into a girl I went to high school with while I was there . It was pretty fun . So , flashback to late September : I went for my yearly visit to Six Flags Great America Fright Fest visit this weekend and what a time it was . I should have been called sweat fest . It was nearly 90 degrees with 80 % humidity . Whoa doggie , it was a hot one . I think the most entertaining part of the day was when Sanj and I were waiting in line for Raging Bull and there was a group of 5 European men in front of us . One and only one of them smelled and he was very ripe . Fortunately we were behind them in line , so we could keep a safe distance from passing out , but others were not so lucky . We greatly enjoyed seeing him walk past groups of people and watching the affect change on people 's faces when they would smell him . Some people made very hilarious faces . The best would be when people would keep sniffing because they couldn 't identify who was the culprit . It was highly entertaining to me . I was working at the land of the tan last Wednesday morning and enjoying a 24oz bottle of Diet Coke . Cold , refreshing , crisp Diet Coke . Well , this particular bottle had been in the cooler a little too long and had partially frozen . . . delicious , right ? Well , the ice would come down and block the opening where the pop flowed into my mouth when trying to drink , so I couldn 't get the pop out . Sooooo , I used a little suction and lo and behold , I got some beverage . Well , I tipped the bottle up . . . apparently too quickly , as Diet Coke came right up out of the bottle and flew up into my eye . Let me tell you , Diet Coke in the eye stings . Pretending I was back in a chemistry class , I flushed out my eye and let my pop thaw a bit more before resuming drinking . It 's already October , which has me thinking , " What will I be for Halloween this year ? " The answer , probably nothing . I do always like to think up a few good costume ideas , but to be honest I haven 't been out on Halloween in years . When I was at Target today , I saw a great Chewbacca costume but was shocked to see that it was $ 99 . 99 . No thank you . Overdone , but always funny is a pregnant nun . For about 3 years in a row , I was an inflatable sumo wrestler . While , it was an amazing costume it did have some downfalls . It was insanely hot , despite having an interior fan . And , because it was inflatable , people always jumped into me , thinking they would bounce off . No , no , no . The costume would deflate in that area and I would get slammed into , every time . It led to a lot of bruises , but never a serious enough injury to deter me from wearing it . Sadly , on it 's third year of existence , a party got a little too rowdy and the sumo got a hole in it . Posted by At about 10pm tonight , I had the great idea of making some stir fry veggies to have on hand to eat this week . Well , I started chopping vegetables and chopping and before I knew it , I had a HUGE mound of veggies . No problem , right ? Just get out the biggest pan we own ( which is very large ) and stir fry them up in there . W - r - o - n - g ! I had to use our two largest pans and they were both quite full . My roommate walked out and just started laughing at me . Because , as she said , I had just made stir fry for the whole neighborhood . Oh well , at least I can freeze some of it . This reminds me of when I was driving back from Iowa last year and there was an overturned truck of cattle on I80 that I had to stop for . I was alerted to this story by my brother who lives in the St L . Taken directly from www . postdispatch . com : By Joel CurrierSt . Louis Post - DispatchA tractor - trailer transporting about 60 head of cattle overturned on the ramp from the Poplar Street Bridge to westbound Interstate 70 about midnight , trapping many of the animals and loosing others to roam the Arch grounds . Part of the truck was dangling over the edge of the bridge as firefighters used flashlights to peer inside and check on the cattle . Five were walking on the ramp behind the truck . Several other animals had crossed to the Arch grounds . Animal rescue was called to the scene to help ; authorities said some animals were injured and would likely need to be euthanized . The truck driver was taken to a hospital , fire officials said , but his injuries were not considered life - threatening . The ramp was closed early Thursday morning , as were the westbound lanes of I - 70 and parts of Interstate 55 beginning south of the bridge , including the depressed section of the roadway . One motorist reported crashing his red Ford Thunderbird into a streetlamp that fell from above near the site of the cattle truck crash . He was not injured . ST . LOUIS - - The last of the roaming bulls was found about 6 a . m . today and died about four hours later as rescue crews tried frantically to save it . It died about about 10 : 30 a . m . in a bushy and rocky embankment along a tree - lined area between the Mississippi River and railroad tracks just east of the intersection of Broadway and Bates Street . The bull was initially spotted in the 3800 block of Gasconade Street in St . Louis . People who spotted the bull called 911 and dispatchers alerted animal rescue workers . The bull nearly ran onto busy Interstate 55 , but crews were able to coax it away from the highway . The bull then took off and ran for about two miles south along railroad tracks . Crews pursued but the bull eventPosted by Seriously , it 's getting a little bit ridiculous . I love Christmas and it is probably my favorite holiday , but the commercialism needs to back it up . I was recently in Target and they already have Christmas stuff on DISPLAY ! Are you kidding me . . . it 's September ! ! ! Can we take it one holiday at a time , please ? ! ? Yes , right next to the back to school stuff was 3 aisles of Christmas lights , decorations , stockings and cards . I think it would be reasonable to put out Christmas stuff after Halloween , but NOT 6 weeks before . I do have to admit that I did look at the Christmas card selection , as I am very selective about the Christmas cards that I send out . I usually have separate ones for my family and friends . Sadly , there weren 't any that jumped out as me as perfect , otherwise I probably would have fed into this craziness by buying them . This past weekend , Aaron , Steve , Jeremy and I met up in Indy to visit Mel for the night on Saturday . We had an absolute blast . We mixed mojitos and sat around and talked for a long time before we ventured out of Mel 's apt to conquer the city . We even had time to play a quick game of capture the flag . Aaron dominated . Sadly , the boys had to leave early on Sunday morning to head back to Columbus as Aaron had to tutor at 1pm . Mel and I had a leisurely day bumming around the city on Sunday and I didn 't leave until late evening . After receiving a thoroughly harassing email about not updating my blog today , I am updating . I actually have a lot of updates to give , but won 't be able to fit them all in right now . Over Labor Day weekend , the fam came into town and we all went to the Iowa vs NIU game at Soldier Field . We had a ton of fun tailgating and hanging out . It was great to be able to spend such a large amount to time with them , as we usually only briefly get to see each others . Josh 's friends TJ and Tonya were also in town and were generous enough to let us use their truck as the tailgate mobile of the day . Cramming 9 adults into it to leave was quite a funny sight . After being in People magazine and on several tv stations , Obama girl is back in the news . Apparently , Obama 's daughters don 't like Obama girl , saying things like , " Daddy already has a wife . " I however , think the videos are quite clever and funny . Check it out for yourself . Obama girl has a website , http : / / www . barelypolitical . com In an effort to save the world , the US Embassy has imposed a travel ban on my good friend Aaron . It seems that every time he visits a foreign country , it is devastated by an unusually strong natural disaster after his departure . Three days after leaving Peru , it was left in shambles by an 8 . 0 earthquake and today Jamaica is getting demolished by Dean , a Cat 5 hurricane . If he continues to travel , we won 't have any foreign countries left to visit . I saw an article today on interesting anatomical tattoos . If I got a tattoo , it would probably look something like one of these . Check out some other pictures here . I often jokingly refer to Indianapolis as Indiancrapolis , however , I don 't believe I 'll be using that term after my visit to see Mel this weekend . It 's actually quite a fun city . Here 's a look at Mel and I having fun : Mel spotted this car on the street and we found the mass amounts of faux wood on it hilarious . It 's even a convertible ! We heard some great live music on the patio at the Rathskeler . It is home to the largest outdoor patio in Indianapolis . Enjoying a mojito martini at Nicky Blaines . Everyone has a time when they need to rant or rave . I was recently talking to a friend on the phone when she was telling me of some boy troubles and I recommended that she write it out . Well , this person didn 't want their name to be attached so I said , why not be a guest columnist on my blog . A few days later , I received an e - mail with this attachment . Enjoy . Guest Blog … By " Karen " We 've all been there … you wade through the creeps and the clowns and meet someone you really connect with - the conversation is flowing , you 're both laughing , smiling , and talking a mile a minute trying to get in every hilarious story that comes to mind . The physical chemistry is there too : you 're leaning in , legs are crossed towards each other , maybe you kiss , maybe more ? Regardless , your faith has been reaffirmed that there are " good ones " still out there and maybe you won 't be single forever . You talked all night long … about your families , your histories , your disappointments and your greatest victories . You shared your hopes for the future and even your most embarrassing moments . It felt right ; it felt good . He told you how beautiful you are , how he can 't believe you would even talk to him . How soft your skin is . How you 're the type of girl a guy could settle down with . How he can 't wait to see you again . When you part - whenever that may be - your walls are slowly crumbling down and you 're strangely optimistic . You think to yourself , " maybe something will actually happen with this guy ? We had so much in common . He took my number and said he was going to call , of course he will . " The days go by with no contact and you get to a point when you realize , I ' VE BEEN FED A LINE . And it sucks . Now let me point out that it is completely acceptable to just go out and have a good time , talk to new people , laugh and joke around , even make - out with them and have no expectations for future contact . Those make for some of the most fun nights sometimes . But let me set the record straight : don 't tell me how beautiful I am , Posted by Confessions . . . A fun questionnaire1 . The phone rings . Who do you want it to be ? i don 't know2 . When shopping at the grocery store , do you return your cart ? usually3 . In a social setting , are you more of a talker or a listener ? talker4 . Do you take compliments well ? no , or so i have been told5 . Do you play Sudoku ? occasionally6 . If abandoned alone in the wilderness , would you survive ? i could probably hold my own . 7 . Do you like to ride horses ? YES ! ! ! 8 . Did you ever go to camp as a kid ? yes , horse back riding camp9 . What was your favorite game as a kid ? monopoly and ghost in the graveyard10 . If a sexy person was pursuing you , but you knew he / she was married , what would you do ? nothing12 . Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you ? yes13 . Do you like to pursue or be pursued ? be pursued . 14 . Use three words to describe yourself ? the wild child15 . Do any songs make you cry ? no16 . Are you continuing your education ? i 'm illiterate17 . Do you know how to shoot a gun ? yes18 . If your house was on fire , what would be the first thing you grabbed ? a fire extinguisher19 . How often do you read books ? frequently20 . Do you think more about the past , present or future ? depends on the situation21 . What is your favorite children 's book ? cars and trucks , trucks and cars22 . What color are your eyes ? blueish green23 . How tall are you ? 5 ′ 11 " 24 . Where is your dream house located ? right next to Hank 's Hardware and it is flamingo pink27 . Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth ? noooo28 . When was the last time you were at Olive Garden ? years ago30 . Where was the furthest place you traveled today ? all over the world on the world wide web32 . Do you like mustard ? Yes . 34 . Do you look like your mom and dad ? people say I do35 . How long does it take you in the shower ? not too long37 . What movie do you want to see right now ? Blades of Glory39 . What did you do for New Year 's ? drove back to Chicago40 . Do you think The Grudge was scary ? I didn 't see it42 . Do you own a camera phone ? yes44 . Was your mom a cheerleader ? yesPosted by I love , love , love seeing people trip and / or fall . Maybe it 's because it happens so unexpectedly and is completely unplanned humor , but nothing makes me laugh harder . You may think it 's mean that I find this hilarious , but it is not a mean spirited laugh ( nor a quiet laugh ) , it is a genuine , all the way from my toes laugh . One of my all time favorite trips was when I was probably in 4th grade . My mom made my brother and I breakfast every morning . While my brother spread out on the kitchen table , eating his toast or Pop Tarts over the paper ( folding up the crumbs in the paper to be dropped all over the next unsuspecting reader ) I was left with a small area to eat my Smore 's Pop Tart . On this particular morning , my mom also made us bananas with peanut butter on them . As she was bringing the plate over to the table , she caught her toe on the floor , flying forward into the kitchen table and throwing the plate of bananas and peanut butter towards us , not to mention scaring the living daylight out of us . With amazing skill , the plate landed right side up , salvaging the bananas . My mom 's pride may have been a little bruised , but the food was saved and I was left with a sore side from laughing so hard . Another thing I love to watch is people attempting to parallel park . Why do so many people have such trouble with it ? It 's really not that hard . In front of the tanning salon that I work at , it is all street parking so I get to watch people parallel park all morning long . What a treat ! ! ! The best parallel parking story I have is from one summer when my brother , his ( now ) wife and I were all having appetizers and drinks at the TGIFriday 's in downtown St Louis before we headed to a Cardinals game . We were sitting outside having good conversation when a new yellow VW bug was attempting to park in the worlds largest spot right across the street . The car tried several times and could not master the art ( even though the spot was twice as large as this little car needed ) . After about 4 attempts and bumping ( sometimes ramming ) its bumperPosted by Wow , I am getting really bad at posting . This summer has been flying by . My brother had a birthday this summer and I didn 't even get to see him around his birthday , which may be a first ever . Fortunately , he is visiting Chicago in a few weeks and I will be very excited to see him then . So . . . Happy Birthday Josh . Even more exciting is the Iowa vs Northern Ill game on Sept 1st that truck loads of people are coming in town for . As a follow up to my last post , I was at work the other day and a teenage patient asked me if I was 1 / 2 black . I told her I wasn 't then she said , " So you mean to tell me that both of your parents are white ? ! ? ! " I laughed pretty hard and told her that they are in fact , both white . My new favorite thing is eating lunch on my back patio and sitting out there when I get off work at night chilling with my roommate . There is a wolf dog in the back yard next to our that barks and howls at everyone , except us . It 's pretty funny . We also feed it through the fence . This week , the dog tried to get through the fence and come over to us and nearly got it 's head stuck . That 's enough for now . I just returned from 5 relaxing days on my grandparents farm in Iowa . It 's so quiet there . No radio on , the tv was hardly ever turned on . . . just nature noises and farm machinery . It was great . I did realize while I was out driving around that I can tell the difference between farm animal smells without seeing the animals . It never occurred to me before , but I could tell if we were coming up to a hog lot or cattle . Random , I know . While there , I got to spend some time with my cousin his wife and their two children with a 3rd on the way ! My mom , grandpa , uncle , aunt and cousins family all went to Popcorn Days , held in the popcorn capital of the world , Schaller , IA . There , I went on a few kiddie rides with my cousins kids . It was so hot out , though . My grandpa sat on the corner and people watched . It was really cute . I don 't really know much else , but I really enjoyed myself and got to spend some quality time with family . I have moved and have a new apartment and a new roommate . Feel free to stop by and visit us anytime . We are both very busy and hardly ever home , but you can still ring our doorbell . I am most excited about our back patio and new bistro set . I can see lots of good times being spent out there with some great conversations . This past weekend , I ventured back to the old stomping grounds of Iowa City to celebrate May tying the knot . On my way to the wedding , which was at Kinnick Stadium ( very cool ) , the strap broke on my dress . So , I had to pretend like it was a strapless . Fortunately , I had a back up dress in the hotel and changed dresses between the wedding and the reception . I think one of the coolest things about the indoor area of Kinnick is that there are Iowa symbols EVERYWHERE . They are even on the soap , paper towel and toilet paper dispensers in the bathrooms . Needless to say , Vanessa and I were up to our usual Iowa City antics . On the way to the reception we saw a bike sitting in the ped mall and I told V to ride it around . So , she did , until the owner saw here and yelled , " Hey ! That 's my bike ! " So , she yelled back , " Well , you should lock it up ! " . She put the bike back and we continued on . At the reception we saw extra flowers lying around . Knowing that we were important to May , we both decided to wear one . It was a beautiful wedding and ceremony and I am very happy for May and John . Congrats ! In mid June , my former roommate Megan moved to Miami . Needing to get her car to Miami , I offered to road trip it down there with her . Well , it proved to be quite the interesting trip . Some of the high points were : - - While I was driving through the mountains of Tenn , Megan needed something out of my bag that was in the back seat . So , Megan offered to take the wheel while I turned around to dig through my bag . Turning back around , I felt the car moving over . I looked up to realize that we had drifted across 3 lanes of traffic , I turn , look and yell at Megan . She was looking at a blister on her heel ! ! ! Then she said , " Oops , I forgot I had the steering wheel in my hand . " - - Also going through the mountains of TN , there was a car in the far left lane going very slowly in front of me . Out of no where , Megan yells at the car , " You had better move out of Stawoj 's way or she 'll make you call your daddy 's name ! " I have no idea where that came from , but it was very hilarious . - - Needing to be in the sun while in Miami , we headed up A1A to the beach . Oddly , we had to pay $ 5 to park to go to the public beach . So , we crossed A1A instead of taking the tunnel over , because there wasn 't much traffic . Once we got over to the beach , we notice that there was a fenced off area . Confused we asked a runner which part we were supposed to be in . Well , the fenced in area where we paid to be was a NUDE BEACH . We laughed hysterically and stayed on the clothed side until right before we left . Then we had to go to the nude side to used the little shower things to wash off our feet . So , there was Megan and I and 8 fully nude men washing off our feet . Except for one lone cowboy who was wearing nothing but a belt and a cowboy hat . I hope he didn 't get any bad tan lines . Oh , the best part . . . it was father 's day and I called my dad from a nude beach to wish him a happy father 's day . Can 't wait to get back to Miami to visit Megan . Wow . It has been brought to my attention that I have been really horrible at blogging lately . My life has been crazy busy since right before my brother 's wedding , which may have been my last post . In the next three weeks , my roommate is moving to Miami . I am moving into a new apartment with a new roommate , I am going to Miami , out of town to a bachelorette party and out of town to a wedding . In between being out of town , I will be working every day that I am in Chicago . I still have lots of packing and preparing to do . Exciting things that have happened lately are that Megan ( my roommate ) was successfully duped twice in one weekend . Her boyfriend flew in from out of town to suprise her and we threw a suprise going away party for her the next day and she had NO idea what was coming to her . This past weekend , Lisa ( my new roommate ) threw a suprise birthday party for her friend Katie that was a ton of fun and again , Katie was shocked to see all her family an dfriends gathered for her . Photos of both events to be coming soon . Must get back to work . . . yep , blogging on my break . That is the slogan of David 's brand sunflower seeds that I have been eating , spitting and am very happy about it . Their new product puts a smile on my face . I picked up the new DILL PICKLE flavored sunflower seeds on the drive back from St L this past weekend and am loving them . They take me back to the days when I played softball and really did spit on the field . . . and dill pickle , delicious ! ! ! I have reached a new level of classy . Recently at the tanning salon we got a new Sonos music system , which is awesome . We have a giant iPod like remote with a connection to a huge music library ( pretty much every song ever made ) . So , I get to DJ when I work and create my own play list for the hours that I am working . I also have the option to connect to several commercial - free " radio stations " . . . if I 'm feeling too lazy to make my own play list . Currently playing : Buy U a Drank by T - PainI 'm a Flirt by R KellyRehab by Amy WhinehouseWe Takin ' Over by DJ KhaledP . D . A . ( We just don 't care ) by John LegendLook after you by The FrayPain by Three Days GraceCandyman by X - tinaU + Ur Hand by PinkSay It Right by Nelly FertadoLast Dollar ( fly away ) by Tim McGrawSlow Dancing in a Burning Room by John MayerSweet Escape by Gwen Stefaniand always a little of : Jack JohnsonCounting CrowsPrinceQueenMadonnaMJLupe FiascoJay - ZBob MarleyIf you haven 't heard some of these songs yet , I suggest you check them out . If you stop in to visit me , I always take requests , too . So as many of you know , my brother got married this past weekend . What a weekend . I do have to say , it was the most fun reception I have ever attended in my life . The DJ was awesome , the food was phenomenal , the alcohol was flowing ( maybe a little too much at times ) and the reception site was amazing . It was a very busy weekend and I am exhausted . It all started on Friday morning when my roommate ( who was singing in the wedding ) and I made the road trip to St L . I knew it was going to be a great trip when on the first bathroom break , Megan used a toilet that automatically flushed 4 times while she was sitting on it . We had the giggles most of the weekend from funny things happening . When we arrived in the Loo , we checked into the hotel , which was really , really nice and got ready for the rehearsal . The rehearsal was speedy and painless . Rehearsal dinner was really good at a very cute restaurant called Duff 's in the Central West End , where again , the alcohol was plentiful . Our table included , Josh , Jill , Megan , Nat and Matt . . . who are two of Josh 's groomsmen and a very good time . When I went to take a picture of the whole table everyone was posing normally , except my brother who appeared to be doing a glamour shots pose . So , I called him out in it and then we took a glamour shot of the whole table mocking him . Afterwards we hung out and had a few beers with some relatives . Saturday , I was up at the crack of dawn to get ready and to our hair appointments at 8am . After lots of primping , we were ready for the real deal . We got to the church plenty early to do pictures . The ceremony was nice and not too lengthy . Afterwards , the wedding party drove around in an Escalade limo and took pictures at various sites in St L and had a beverage . The reception was the most fun and nicest that I have ever attended , not that I expected anything less than classy with Josh and Jill . The reception site was gorgeous and a great location . The food was phenomenal . . . some of the best food I have ever eaten , lots of champagne , great DJ and thePosted by My life has been pretty crazy lately . Work at the hospital has been busy with lots of young kids that keep it interesting . I have also recently started working part - time at a tanning salon for fun . I like the social aspect of it . My brother is getting married next weekend which is also very exciting . So , I will be rocking it in the STL all next weekend . My parents came into town last weekend to help me get stuff done . My roommate is moving in June , so I need to find a new apartment . ( time consuming ) . On a more exciting note , a Michael Keaton movie was being filmed the other night at a restaurant by where I live . More later . On March 22 , 2006 , I took a vow with my former roommate that we would say " yes " to every guy that asked us on a date for the entire next year . The idea came from the book titled The Year of Yes by Maria Headley . With both of us being single at the time , it sounded like a fun adventure to partake in . The first thing that made it very interesting was that " date " was defined EXTREMELY loosely in the book . If a guy even suggested that we " talk " or " hang out " that would be considered a " date " . Outside the year of yes definitions , I do not personally consider those things to be a date , but never the less I was required to go along with it . Another thing that made it very interesting and exhausting is that you had to be on your " A " game if a guy approached you anywhere . You weren 't allowed to give off negative vibes and try to get rid of him . This meant that I was required to be highly social to the point of inviting to any guy that talked to me . This put a major damper on girls nights out , because I couldn 't dismiss a guy just because I was out with the girls . ( An apology to all the girlies that had to suffer though this . ) This was perhaps the worst part , because sometimes you just want to grab a cocktail with a friend and talk about your day , but if someone approaches you have to give them your full attention . Besides blog updates , I did not advertise that I was doing the Year of Yes . Some people who knew I was doing it thought that it was kind of mean and that I was stringing people along , but I disagree . I saw it as more of an opportunity to give people a chance that I would normally not ( I was amazed at how many first impressions are quite inaccurate ) , for one reason or another . I really tried to go into it with the attitude of , what is the worst thing that could happen if I talk to this person that I may not otherwise talk to ? I could learn something from them and possibly make a new friend . You can never have enough friends and learning is always great . . . and learn some interesting things , I did . Would I do it again ? MPosted by Straight from www . boingboing . net : " The Elephant Poo Poo Paper company makes stationery and related goods out of dried , odorless elephant shit : We can make about 25 large sheets of paper from a single piece ( or turd ) of elephant poo poo ! ! ! That translates into about 10 standard sized journals including the front and back covers ! Neat , huh ! ? ! ? ! ? " Talk about environmentally conscious . I kind of want one of these notebooks . Alright . Mel and I had a conversation tonight . . . probably one that we should have had when we were 12 so that I could have set her straight ( because I am never wrong ) . This was a conversation about kissing related to a recent discrepancy . Our disagreement was on what constituted as " making - out " . Mel said that it just had to be a kiss ( did not specify open or closed mouth kissing ) for 5 minutes or more * * . I laughed hysterically at the thought of Mel holding out a stop watch to stop kissing someone at 4min 59sec so that she could say that she didn 't make out with them . I said that I would define it as open mouth or using tongue . . . rather synonymous with " french kissing " . . . a term that I greatly dislike . This is what Urban Dictionary had to say : kiss : the meeting of two pairs of lipsFrench kiss : An open - mouthed kiss with tonguemaking out : open mouth kissing usually with tongue , and occasionally groping between 2 individuals . * * According to Mel 's definition , if she held her closed mouth to her mom 's closed mouth for 5 minutes , she just made out with her mom . Ha ha . What do you have to say ? An Irishman moves into a tiny village in County Kerry , walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers . The bartender raises his eyebrows , but serves the man three beers , which he drinks quietly at a table , alone . An hour later , the man has finished the three beers and orders three more . This happens yet again . The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time , several times . Soon the entire town is whispering about the " Man Who Orders Three Beers . " Finally , a week later , the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town . " I don 't mean to pry , but folks around h ! ere are wondering why you always order three beers ? " " Tis odd , isn 't it ? " the man replies , " You see , I have two brothers , and one went to America , and the other to Australia . We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond . " The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer , and soon the " Man Who Orders Three Beers " became a local celebrity and source of pride to the village , even to the extent that out - of - towners would come to watch him drink . Then , one day , the man comes in and orders only two beers . The bartender pours them with a heavy heart . This continues for the rest of the evening : he orders only two beers . The word flies around town . Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers . The next day , the bartender says to the man , " Folks around here , me first of all , want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother . You know - the two beers and all . . . . " The man ponders this for a moment , then replies , " You 'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well . It 's just that I , myself , have decided to give up drinking for Lent . As I was talking to one of my friends on the phone today , my theory was confirmed . This particular friend and I share a lot of the same friends . One friend we do not share , was looking through many of my friend 's pictures today ( of friends that we have in common ) and commented , " You have a lot of really beautiful friends . " It just goes to show , my post the other day was quite accurate . So , I have had my AOL email address for a billion years . Apparently , some years ago . . . when I was a sophomore or junior in college I programmed the events calendar with my class schedule . I must have set it that I would be doing the same thing for years to come . When I logged in to check my email today it said that I also had 2 events today . Curious , I click on the tab . AOL informed me that I had New Testament Survey Discussion from 8 : 35 - 9 : 25am and Theater and Society Discussion from 9 : 30 to 10 : 30am . This is probably true as I usually had a light load of classes on Tues and Thurs , until the nursing program took over my life . I wonder if anyone is still Waiting for Godot ? I am pumped about the Big Ten tourney this weekend . Iowa plays Purdue tomorrow at 1 : 30pm . Should be a good game . Iowa usually pulls it together for the Big 10 tournament . Highly disappointed in Duke 's loss to NC St tonight . I was glad I got to watch the game , though . I really enjoy watching McRoberts play . . . and of course Wojo coaching it in style on the bench . I am still waiting for him to propose to me . I am excited to see Ohio St debut their new uniforms tomorrow . Sounds like the men will be showing a little leg . Woot woot . My dad told me today that he loves this song . Since the album hasn 't dropped yet , I am adding it to my blog so he can listen to it anytime he wants . Enjoy . Apologies to those of you that can 't stand country music and are subjected to it just by viewing my blog . Much love , Me With an recent article on Metromix asking " Are noodles the new sushi ? , " my response is , huh ? ! ? ! The article lists several noodle houses that have opened around town recently . I ate at noodle houses in college . . . and I 'm beginning to think that isn 't so recent ( ha ha ) . Z ' Mariks is a popular noodle house in Iowa City that many of the students frequent , so I was shocked to see that they are just up and coming in Chicago . That leaves me with just one question : Is Iowa trendier than Chicago ? Roelf Mulder , an industrial designer , of South Africa 's XYZ Design made this condom applicator with the hopes of encouraging the use of condoms and reducing the spread of AIDS . The application directions are : " The user holds the device with the thumb and forefinger of both hands , pulling the condom down over the penis in a single rapid movement . " Sounds easy enough , right ? What will matter most is the willingness of the people to use the device . The applicators are currently being sold ( a bit pricey as you would have to get them shipped from Africa ) through Pronto condoms . Their website is really interesting and has demonstrations ( here and here ) on how to use the device . I highly recommend checking it out . They have a great slogan too , " Pronto condoms , the quickest way to get it on . " Sleepnaked . org is a website promoting people to sleep naked . The site claims that a person will actually have a better nights sleep if they are in the buff . The theory ( I don 't see any citations on the site , they claim to have a research page , but i couldn 't get to it ) is that when nude , you are more relaxed and comfortable , resulting in falling asleep faster and into a deeper and longer sleep . Sleep Naked also encourages partners to sleep naked together and they will have an increase in intimacy . Studies also show that it showed improved fertility in men , due to the lack of clothing and cooler conditions ( just like men that go commando or wear boxers are more fertile than men that wear whitey - tighties ) . I don 't have any unattractive friends . This is not a conscious gesture . Maybe it is a subconscious thing , I don 't know . Really though , all my friends are physically attractive . One acquaintance suggested that I thought they were all beautiful because of their " insides . " I agreed , but they are also beautiful on the outside . I don 't know why this is , because I consider myself just average looking . I think some of them could be models . Sorry , this is a really random blog post but it has come of multiple times recently . This weekend , when buying some beer for the guests , I stumbled upon Blue Moon 's Spring Ale . I enjoy Blue Moon , but what is this spring ale business ? Intrigued , I bought a six - pack . Well , it was a hit . It is a very spring / summer tasting beer that is very refreshing . The type of beer that you want to drink while sitting out on the patio , enjoying the weather with your friends . The perfect cure for cabin fever . The ale is infused with exotic Kieffer lime leaves and lime peel . My only lingering question is . . . do you serve it with an orange , lime or both ?
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1 September 2015February 7 , 2016Colleen Mullen Christian Moore , LCSW ~ when things get you down , flip the switch . . . Learn about resiliency from the founder of WhyTry . org and author of ' The Resiliency Breakthrough ' . From kids to adults , everybody can benefit from increasing their resiliency skills , and Christian tells us how AUDIO TRANSCRIPT AVAILABLE Podcast : Play in new window | Download ( 59 . 8MB ) Subscribe : iTunes | Android | RSS | How to Subscribe Resilience is a hot topic these days . For me though , it 's one of the reasons I even became a therapist . I learned early on in life about my own resiliency through some less than pleasant circumstances in my life . That being said , I was in close contact with others who were not as resilient . I 've learned first - hand how important it is to be able to pull from our inner resiliency . A lot of my work now is focused on teaching people how to identify , build and utilize their own inner resiliencies . My guest today is a very like - minded individual who has made his life work helping EVERYONE build their resiliencies . I 'm talking today with Christian Moore . Christian is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who has done tremendous things in the field of resiliency work . He wrote the book , " The Resilience Breakthrough : 27 Tools for Turning Adversity into Action " for adults . To focus on helping kids build resiliency , he founded the Why Try program which is now implemented in over 22 , 000 ( that 's 22 THOUSAND ! ) schools in the United States . Christian is a busy man - he has been known to book speaking engagements over 260 days a year . For as much as he has done a lot of radio interviews , this was his first venture into the podcast world and I was thrilled to have him . The interview ( as well as this article ) spans from Christian 's personal story of overcoming adversity to developing the 4 resiliencies he defines in his book , to exactly what Why Try is and the benefits kids , families and schools find when they implement the program . It was my privilege and pleasure to talk to him . Christian was a guy who struggled since he was little with a learning disability . It left him with elementary school reading and math abilities . He was told as a teen that college was not the path for him and that he wouldn 't be able to handle the work . That 's where Christian really began to pull from his pain to engage his inner power . He had his sights set - not only on getting through 4 years of college , but even going further to graduate school for his Master 's Degree . That was all fine , albeit a struggle , until the day he was expecting to graduate from his undergraduate program . He was called into the Dean 's office and told that there was some mistake and that not only was he not going to graduate right now , but that he was never really supposed to be passed along in his classes as he was to begin with . Christian had been pulling 20 - hour studying sessions for tests that others only studied 3 hours for and he did extra credit in almost every class for 4 years because he needed it in order to pass the class because he lacked the math and reading skills required to give up . In that moment in the Dean 's office , Christian knew it was sink or swim right there - he pulled from every resilient trait he had in order to immediately start explaining all that he did to get through his studies and all that he intended to do if permitted to graduate and go on for his Masters - his plan included " changing the world " . Well , by then end of his plea , the Dean allowed him to graduate and go on to his graduate studies . The full - circle experience for Christian happened when his book was then used a text at the same university 's curriculum at the school where the Dean didn 't want to have him as a graduate . If that 's not an " I 'll show them story " , I don 't know what is ! Christian demonstrates through his book that those moments in life when one is told by others they should give up , they in fact , should be finding ways to overcome whatever the perceived obstacle is . One of the core principles Christian details regarding how to turn pain into power he calls " flipping the switch " . This is a sort - of Jedi mind trick that even the most perceived - as - powerless among us can learn to master . The preliminary steps to flipping the switch are : 1 . Recognizing that you have a " switch " . 2 . Flipping it . Christian describes this through an example of a person saying to themselves , " Okay , I have a crisis , a real difficulty in my life , but I 'm going to use this crisis to become greater " - and viola ! The switch it flipped ! According to Christian and his research , in order to learn to flip the switch , a person needs to : a . Combat denial and acknowledge that there is a problemb . Ask yourself : " How can I use this emotional pain , challenge or situation to better my circumstances and make me more resilient - today , this hour , this minute , this second ? " c . Do the opposite of what people would normally do in a similar situation ( I personally love this tip ) d . Pay attention to how you feel inside when you decide to flip the switch The meat of Christian 's work comes in the form of identifying 4 different resiliencies that a person can posses or develop : 1 . Relational Resilience2 . Street Resilience3 . Resource Resilience4 . Rock Bottom Resilience Christian Moore founded Why Try and today Why Try is comprised of former students , counselors , teachers , mental health professionals , and corrections staff who act as youth advocates . Over the last 15 years , they have combined their experiences with research to develop tools that enable everyone in an organization to thrive - the adults , the straight - A students on the college track , the most at - risk kids from broken homes . The secret , they found , is resilience education , and through it , they 've seen individuals and groups from a wide variety of backgrounds develop the capacity to access resilience . I 've done a lot of work over the years with kids and still have a lot of colleagues that are involved in school - based emotion - focused programs . When I mentioned Why Try to them , they 1 . had used the programs in some of their schools , 2 . They were excited to hear I could talk to Christian personally because they had heard all about him from the trainers , and 3 . They said the Why Try trainers were some of the most professional and skilled they had come across when implementing outside programs into schools / residential programs . A friend of mine lent me her Why Try " Game Plan " Journal . I took some pics of a few lessons / activities so you can get an idea of how they are presented . Even though I don 't do a lot of work with kids these days , I wish I had known of the Journal and Why Try when I did . The Journal is easy to read , coordinates with their music CD and uses words and visuals kids will relate to . I 'm listing all of Christian and Why Try 's social media links below so you can give him a shout out and reach out to him personally . If you 've used Why Try either as a student or a teacher , let him know how you benefited from it . I 'm sure he 'd love to hear from you ! 3 : 08 Mullen : have you known someone who no matter what life throws at them they just seem to be able to roll with the punches ? maybe you know someone who has overcome some big emotional obstacles like the unexpected loss of a love one with grace . when someone bounces back from life 's unexpected occurrences - we call that RESILIENCY . Christian is very open about the obstacles he has had to overcome in his life - the primary one was figuring out how to get the education he wanted while having whats considered a moderate to severe learning disability . Christian will tell you all about his struggle in our interview . I want to tell you why you should listen and what Christian has to say and about his expertise . This book is for adults who want to figure out their resilience strengths and learn how to build on them . The book can be used by individuals and even corporate organizations looking to build resiliency within their companies . But that 's just for the adults . 4 : 22 If you 've got kids you may have already heard of Christian 's school based program . He is the founder of the WHY TRY program - Why Try brings resilience skills training to kids and teens all over the US and abroad . When i say you may have already heard of it , that 's because it is in 22000 schools across the US and the evidence based Why Try program is cited in textbooks as a formidable way to build resiliency skills . 4 : 48 But why do we need to be more resilient ? According to the Mayo Clinic , a person who is resilient may be protected from various mental health conditions such as depression and anxiety . Resiliency can help offset factors that increase the risk of mental health conditions such as being bullied or having previous trauma . And if you have an existing mental health condition , being resilient can improve your ability to cope . 5 : 53 we 're about to get into the interview with Christian . I want to say that for me it was a privilege to talk with him . He has been known to be booked up to 260 days a year for speaking engagements , and you 'll understand why when you hear the interview - he 's quite dynamic . But the Coaching Through Chaos podcast is his first podcast interview - i was thrilled to have him join me - he really is a dynamo in his energy and passion for what he is doing . 7 : 03 Moore : in the book , we define resilience as the ability to bounce back when you have every reason to shut down , but you fight on . Resilient people have both tapped and untapped reserves , enabling them to overcome and thrive if they face the setbacks , challenges and fears of daily life . People often ask me when I 'm out speaking - what do i mean by untapped reserves ? Growing up i had basically two talents : i could talk non stop and i could draw really good . So as a student , they sent me to the principals office all the time for non stop speaking . And in Maryland they have corporal punishment , and they would literally beat me with a paddle for talking non stop , and now that i have focused on and dedicated my life to resilience , I realize that the principal , instead of beating me with a paddle should have said " Hey , the skill to speak non stop could be something that could really increase your resilience as you get older " - you know the number one fear in this world is public speaking - so he should have been celebrating my non stop speaking instead of beating me with a paddle . . . 8 : 05 Mullen : right - so you started looking at your own ways of bouncing back at a young age . You have a personal story later on in life about how you came to learn that your lowest point could also be your best friend - and it has to do with your graduation story . Could you tell us that story and what you mean by making your lowest point your best friend ? 8 : 25 Moore : probably the best way to explain my graduation story is to start a little bit with my wife . I met this beautiful girl and i thought " man , I 'd love to marry her " . But i had learning disabilities . When i was 28 years old I had never made over six dollars an hour - the average income for people with my background of moderate to severe learning disability is about $ 12 , 000 a year . And I thought " man , i love this girl so much , i had better break up with her " 9 : 48 So my wife worked two jobs , I worked two jobs , she read all my papers , read all my textbooks to me , helping me with my papers . I 'd hand write my papers and she would type them up . I came up with something called THE NO F GAME PLAN - I went to every class , sat in the front row , i did all the homework assignments , and i did enough extra credit to get a D minus . . . I realized you get just as much credit with a D or D - as you do with an A + . And so i thought , I 'll just go as far as i can through college . I was at a community college and then transferred to a university , i was working my way through the university and was doing this No F Gameplan trying to get through - but i couldn 't graduate because i couldn 't do the maths or foreign language . And so i was about to give up , i was really frustrated but i kept hanging in there . I would study some 30 hours to pass the tests , i asked my peers in college how many hours they were studying - and they would study 3 to 5 hours . And I had gotten right up to the point where i could graduate and they approved for me to do so . And then I get a phone call from the dean of the college of home and family sciences , who says to me " You cant graduate " . I sat down across from him . He leaned over his desk and shouted " How did you pull this off ? " He then slammed his fist on the table , the condemning papers jumped with force . I took a deep breath . . . My extra credit hustle , i was just going to class every day , turning my homework in , doing all of the extra credit ; my childhood grocery store exploits and my years of fighting for this degree had all prepared me for this moment of truth . I was not going back to the fetal position . I was not going back down . I was going to be resilient . I looked the Dean in the eye and said : 12 : 18 " When I asked other students how many hours a day they studied for a test , they said three to five . Sir , I studied 20 hours for the same test . I did ten times more work than any other student in the history of this university . I am the hardest working student who has ever showed up on this college campus . I didn 't miss one day of school . I didn 't miss any homework assignments . I worked as hard as i possibly could . I learned everything there was to learn about my profession that I could possibly study . 12 : 45 If you let me graduate , I 'm going to impact millions of lives . . . I will make sure everybody has access to the kind of hope i discovered being here on this campus . Going to school has been like winning the Superbowl for me . I know that I shouldn 't have been accepted . . . but i was . And i deserve every credit . Sir , you can 't stop me from getting this degree - I earned it " 13 : 07 As I explained my dreams and goals to him , i began to see a visible change in the Deans demeanor . He leaned back in his chair , his face was more relaxed now . Wow - i wasn 't expecting that . . . He said : " i can see that you are here under very unique circumstances . . . " He looked up at the ceiling , then back at me : " Christian , you 're going to graduate this week . Good luck in graduate school , son " 13 : 59 Mullen : Right - isn 't it that something ! I know that you know that you were pulling from all sorts of resilient traits to even go to the Deans office that day . I just think its wonderful that you have that experience , and you 've turned it into teaching everybody about resiliency . . . . 14 : 28 Moore : It 's interesting , in college , they told me you have resilience or you don 't . You cant give someone a prescription for resilience . Now 16 years later , I beg to differ . I believe that resilience is already inside all of us , its a human trait . For example what the sperm and egg have to overcome just for us to be born is resilience , our life starts with resilience . Over the past 16 years , we have taught resilience to thousands of students in all 50 states . . . . Stanford professor Carol Deweck has illustrated through research that most people with a growth mindset can increase their capacity in any area . Its that effort effect . Further research on resilience shows most people have a capacity for resilience - so i have dedicated my life to pulling that resiliency out of them . 15 : 55 Moore : again , the reality of life is , we are all going to have opposition and pain . And out of pain , emotions are born . I have become fascinated in how we can take our negative emotions and the energy from them as fuel to create productive outcomes . For example , i was told many times that i couldn 't go to college , that it wants an option for me because of my learning differences . I used that disrespect and rage as fuel to get a masters degree . . I had a professor who came to me in college and said " Christian , if you get a college degree , my degree is worth less " 16 : 39 Moore : America is the greatest country in the world ! ! . Another example just the other day , I travel a lot and i was in a restaurant , and i was being totally ignored by the waiter - getting horrible service . I literally live in restaurants , so I 'm oversensitive sometimes to bad service - and i was feeling rage inside , i was feeling anger inside - i just started laughing , i thought to myself : : OK , Christian , how can you take this anger and rage and do something productive with it ? And i decided that when he comes back i would increase my kindness - so i asked him about himself a little bit , he told me about his son who was going through a hard time - and the whole dynamic of the service changed . And I 'm like " Oh my goodness . What is going on ? " . . And I didn 't respond well , I 'm driving down the road , and the road is going blurry - I 'm looking for a place to pull over but where i was driving there was no place to pull over , and I 'm doing everything i can just to keep my composure . . and my son cant really explain to me what 's happening with mom , and so it 's a highly stressful situation . And I pull into the place where I 'm going to give the speech and there 's an audience waiting for me to talk . 18 : 37 I replied : " Look , let me call and see if I can get on the next flight " . I checked the next flight and it 's the flight I 'm already on , so there is nothing more that I can do . But the guy traveling with me is insistent that i still don 't have to give the speech . 19 : 11 And I 'm excited about it , it has taken me 45 years to realize how to flip that switch . The first step of flipping the switch is just knowing you have a switch . For the first 35 years of my life , I was like a puppet basically - if someone yelled at me or I dealt with a difficulty , I would yell back , I would use the difficulty as a reason to hurt myself , hurt other people , give up . . . 19 : 33 Moore : yeah , and now that i have realized i have this switch , it makes life really fun when you know you have it . We 're teaching this switch from kindergarten to high school students , and a lot of adults don 't even know they have this switch they can flip . So that 's the first step , just the awareness you have this switch . 19 : 52 The second step of flipping the switch is you have to acknowledge , assess and accept that you have a problem . My reality is I have learning differences , I have severe ADHD . I grew up in a home where both my parents had some mental health issues . That 's the reality of my situation - so today at 45 years old I say to myself how can i maximize my ADHD - how can I maximize this energy , how can i use the energy as my best friend . Because the first couple of years i was a therapist , the family would come in depressed , i would diagnose something and they would leave more depressed . No . No more . I 'm not going to spend the next 30 years depressing youth and families - so I would literally bring this cake in , light the candles and say " You have one of the greatest gifts - people would kill to have this energy . I 'm going to show you step by step how to use this energy as your best friend " I had a kid in my office a few years ago who stole 3 cars and the police officer was saying this kid is a genius - they couldn 't figure out how he did it in one hour . And so I re - framed it by saying : " Look , you 're creative , you 're bold , you 're a risk taker " . I broke out the cake and showed him how to take those same attributes he used to steal those cars to become a great entrepreneur one day - to make better decisions . As an example , a couple of years ago , when i was going through college , my wife had lost her job , I didn 't have a job at the time , and we were pretty rock bottom financially . What are we going to do ? Wendy was applying to many different jobs , she 'd go in and come back out depressed and frustrated . In front of one business , i finally said to her after a couple of weeks " Look , lets just try something crazy , just go in there and tell them you 'll work the first two weeks for free " . So she sits down and does just that , and it caught the employers attention , and he said " You really stood out , of all the people i interviewed " 23 : 16 And then the last step is : Pay attention to how you feel as you flip the switch . Now I almost have to give a warning with this , and I 've heard this from thousands of people - that as they start to do these 4 steps , it becomes very addictive . I 'll see people in their 60s , they 're just learning how to flip the switch and they 're having so much fun . Now when I have a crisis or I have a challenge in my life , I literally get excited that I have an opportunity to approach this differently . And they ask " Why did it take me 60 years to learn how to flip the switch ? " 23 : 45 I really believe resiliency is a major social justice issue , and in the 20 years it 's going to become a bigger and bigger issue . Millions and millions of people will understand resiliency and where it comes from , and millions of people won 't . I really believe that resiliency is the great equalizer . . It transcends socio - economic status , culture , race , the neighborhood you grew up in , age - you know , all these different issues . It is the most powerful thing i have come across that really levels the playing field . 24 : 11 One of the funnest things for me is I love sharing with kids who are growing up in the most difficult of circumstances - how to use the poverty , the divorce , the discrimination , the anger , the emotions that come from those issues - as the reason to turn in their homework , to stay in school , to make better decisions . We are literally showing kindergartners how to flip the switch . And then we 're sharing this K through twelfth grade , we 're even teaching this on death row . From the playpen to the State Pen , literally . . . 25 : 00 Moore : So my goal in coming up with these four sources really was born out of frustration - I had read hundreds of books on resilience , i studied the topic of resilience , and all i could usually come across was the attributes of resilience - like hard work , determination , perseverance . But i wanted to know where ' was it born , where does resiliency come from . So i started looking at thousands of people , at their lives and what role resiliency played in their life , and i noticed four common attributes kept popping out as i looked at highly resilient people . 25 : 29 The first thing that popped out was Relational Resilience - and all that means is your greatest motivation to not give up is the knowledge that others need you or depend on you . For example , i have two kids named Cooper and Carson , 8 and 12 year old boys - if i never got invited to speak again , i would go and work at four McDonald 's to put food in these kids mouths . I 'll do whatever it takes - my resilience is going to kick in because of my relationship with them . For a teacher it could be for their students . My business partner Hans is someone who has an incredible amount of relational resilience . He makes good decisions , he is the CEO of our company , he has 5 kids . . . Now me personally , I 've had to really develop my relational resiliency because of my parents mental health issues I didn 't really attach to my parents when i was a kid , so RR is something that I am constantly working at . 26 : 31 So when i was coming up with this , i was comparing me and my business partner - Hans has an incredible amount of RR , but the next one , i realized he didn 't have an ounce of Street Resilience . Well i got excited about it - oh my gosh - if i could teach Hans how to tap into Street Resilience , i could double his resilience . So for example , Street Resiliency is , you take the pain of social inequality , disrespect and mistakes and use it as fuel to propel you forward . And it can be any type of disrespect , it can be your ears are too big , your teeth aren 't white enough - any type of disrespect or past mistake - there 's so many people who feel disrespected , especially as i work in schools across this country , kids will often say to me : " I feel disrespected , I feel that people are judging me " So I say : how do you take that and use it as a reason to become a greater human being . And we have a lot of strategies to show them how to do that - a great example of Street Resilience is Nelson Mandela - we know the story of him being in the prison camp for 27 years - the same guy disrespected him , would verbally abuse him and stuff . . . When he became the president of South Africa , the first ting he did was to invite that guy to his presidential inauguration - they became great friends - he was like because you disrespected me , I 'm going to become a greater human being . So one day it hit me , that if i could develop my relational resilience , and i had street resiliency , i could increase my resilience . If my business partner , who had almost no street resiliency but had a lot of relational resiliency , then I could double his resilience . 28 : 06 Moore : so the third place I believe resiliency comes from is Resource Resiliency - and that 's where you recognize that your resilience can be increased by tapping into the resources available to you . For example , earlier i said i had two talents - i could talk non stop and i could draw really good . One of my contributions to mental health is i took everything in mental health and put it into picture form for kids , i took my art talent and maximized it . You recognize that your resources include talents , relationships , physical assets , personality traits and work ethic . As I 'm out on road speaking , i ran into a guy the other day who blew me out of the water , one of the greatest examples of resource resiliency I 've ever seen is KYLE MAINERD , who was born with no arms , no legs except these little stubs . He recently put rubber balls on the end of his stubs and hiked to the top of Mount Kilimanjaro . He just maximized the resources that he had . He wrestled in high school and college with no arms , no legs , he just maximized what he had . Helen Keller is another great example of that . 29 : 27 Moore : when i was going to college , another example of resource resiliency , when my wife lost her job , we had no money coming in , our rent was 300 dollars . And i couldn 't come up with this 300 dollars in a million years , i remember going out to our car - one of my rock bottom moments - i went out to the car and i sized it up and thought oh my gosh , we are going to have to move into this car . And i went back into the house and said to my wife : " I told you you should not have married me ! I told you your life was going to be hell if you married me . And she got angry , left the house and I 'm like " Man , what do i do about this ? " I thought , well , one of the resources i have , i can draw really well , i can paint , i love doing water color paintings - so i went to this place in my community called The River Bottoms - multi - million dollar homes , and i painted a beautiful watercolor of this great big house . . And then i would knock on the door and say : " Hey , I 'm a local artist in the area , i was admiring your house and I 'd like to sell you this painting for 200 dollars . The woman of the house gasped at the painting and said : " Ive spent tens of thousands of dollars on artwork that i don 't like as much as this - this is worth way more than 200 dollars , I 'm going to give you 600 dollars for this painting . " And i remember floating off that door step , because i had the 300 dollars for the rent , and another 300 dollars left over , and i know to this day if i never get invited to ever speak again or do what I 'm doing - i can go paint rich peoples houses and be able to support my family . And that 's just maximizing your resources to be resilient . Now everybody has their own personal rock bottom . One of my goals as a therapist when i work with people is i figure out what their rock bottom moment is . And one of the first things i focus on is how they can take that rock bottom moment and use it as a nuclear fuel rod of energy to engage with life , to put more effort into what they 're doing with their lives . For example today , my son Carson , who is 8 years old , was crying all morning , was having a tough morning . He came and hugged me five times because he is getting braces today - and he doesn 't want to get these braces - and that 's his rock bottom moment - the first 8 years of his life . I was just saying to him : " OK Carson , how can you use this ? Kids are going to tease you now , you 're going to deal with these issues , but this is how you can respond to this " . And just showing him how to take something negative and turn it into something positive . And it hit me one day , i can learn more from a single mom living in a car with 3 kids than i f i studied these gurus . I just became fascinated - what enables someone to put one foot in front of the other , when they have every reason to give up ? 32 : 20 Mullen : The book , just to remind everybody , is THE RESILIENCE BREAKTRHOUGH - 27 tools for turning adversity into action . And I want to really be able to talk about WHYTRY . org also . - so lets look at these boosters in each chapter on building the different residencies . Do you have two that maybe are your personal favorites ? What i noticed what just by showing up , unforeseen options would happen . Professors took me under their wing , and opened up tremendous doors for me . Getting married , before i ever made a livable wage , before i ever made over 6 dollars per hour . Being an entrepreneur , when i went to write this book , the resilience breakthrough , people said to me : " Christian , there 's no way . Less than 2 percent of books get published , you may be able to self publish , you 're not going to get a book published " . 33 : 57 Mullen : absolutely - acting illogical , showing up - great traits to be able to do . I think your book publishing story is just amazing . It really is tough to get a book published . 34 : 20 Moore : i appreciate that . The next booster , and this falls under Rock Bottom resiliency , is something really simple but one of the most powerful things I 've ever come across . I call this Discover the Power of a Future Promise . You know , we all need something to look forward to , for example this morning just knowing i get to wake up and talk to Colleen Mullen and be on this podcast Coaching Through Chaos , i was excited , it gave me something to get ' out of bed and look forward to . It can be something as simple as a great meal , you know , i 'm a foodie , i travel all the time . I 'm always looking for something great to eat , that 's probably why I 'm in top physical condition . . . 35 : 13 Moore : when i was a little boy , I 'd come home from school and there wasn 't a lot of food to eat in my house . So I 'd start punching holes in the wall , I was so angry , I would open up the refrigerator five thousand times hoping something would appear in the refrigerator . After a couple of years of this , my mum got pretty burned out , so every morning she would give me a couple of extra dollars , and she would say to me : 35 : 53 Mullen : Right . That leads us right into the WhyTry program . Because you 're talking about your stories of when you were a kid , you 've referenced a lot of things throughout the interview today about helping kids learn their resiliency . Now the book is for the adults , but WhyTry , org is for the kids . Can you tell us about how WhyTry came about - what it is and how a school or a family would have it implemented . Is it something for the schools or do people hire someone from WHyTRy to help them out . 36 : 23 Moore : absolutely . Basically how it started is i went to work as a school social worker at an alternative school . One day the school psychologist showed me that 80 percent of the kids i was working with were visual learners , but 100 percent of what i was doing counseling was verbal cognitive talk therapy . And so when i found out that most of these kids were visual learners i just started taking every thing in mental health and putting it into pictures for kids . For example , if i was talking to a child about how to deal with peer pressure , getting out of a gang , stop doing drugs . . I would draw a picture - I 'm from Maryland the crab state - so i would draw a picture of a bunch of crabs inside of a pot - and i would say to the child if i don 't put a lid on this pot , why cant the crabs get out of the pot ? And the kids would look at the picture and say " Duh - the other crabs are reaching up and pulling them down " So I would say " Hey , your friends you 're skipping school with , you 're ' doing drugs with , you 're fighting with . . . all you 're doing is you 're pulling each other down and keeping each other in the pot . And then i would write different therapeutic questions written around the visual metaphor - what would your future be like if you got out of this pot ? what would your future be like if you stayed in this pot ? 37 : 22 And then we would reinforce these visual pictures with music that they listen to , from rap to pop music to rock to all different kinds of styles of music , so the child visually sees it , they hear it in music they listen to . . . and then we have discussion questions that tie into the music , and then we have hundreds of physical activities that reinforce it , and art activities . So whether the child is a visual learner , auditory learner , body kinesthetic learner - we just took evidence based mental health practice and started delivering it in a language that was relevant to the child . Because relevance is such an important thing when working with kids that are struggling , and the purpose of these ten visual metaphors that we have , all reinforced with the music and the physical activities , is to teach the child how to be resilient and to give them the speicfic skills . 38 : 07 And so , what we do is we go into a school district and we train everyone from the counselors to the teachers in how to deliver this curriculum to kids , and then , i Oslo spend a lot of time , I 'll speak to parenting groups - we want the parents to have these skills , we want the kids to have these skills . The easiest way is just to contact WhyTRy and we do several hundred staff developments all across the country , we work in all 50 states . We do some international work now , from Australia to the UK , Canada .
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Or perhaps chocolate is your drug of choice . Then let 's belly up to the chocolate bar and drown our sorrows in cocoa and whipped cream . Either way , we need to admit that this is hard . I can write about the things that are working , which is basically a form of cheerleading combined with self - congratulation : " Look ! There are things you can do with your loved ones to keep them happy ! It 's not so bad after all ! You don 't have to despair ! See , I 'm not despairing ! ! Aren 't I wonderful ? ! " Or I can acknowledge the grief , the dull persistent ache , of realizing that she 's getting more confused , that the disease is gradually taking her in the same direction it took my grandmother - to a place of paranoia and isolation . That route saddens me so much that I quietly avoid it . I work around it . I find ways to redirect her attention to things that make us both happy : songs , games , friends , church , simple sewing projects , nature . And I ask myself , am I really handling her dementia well , or just pretending it isn 't there ? As always , I suppose the truth is somewhere in the middle . It 's true that this is the hardest time of year for her , and by extension , for me . She genuinely believes that her gifts have been stolen . She needs to be reassured , over and over , that they 're all at my house , safely wrapped and ready for Christmas day . ( Leaving them at her place just confuses her . ) Next week she 'll say that all the gifts she received have been stolen , and take bitter , self - righteous comfort in the belief that at least , like a good little girl , she wrote her thank - you notes . Yet somehow this year , I 'm doing okay . I 've learned not to draw too much attention to Christmas . We don 't decorate her apartment anymore , because the ornaments trigger her paranoia . We do a little shopping with her and take care of the rest on our own . We visit thrift stores all year round ; her favorite thing to do is to buy me " something pretty , " and she never remembers what we 've bought . This means I can pull out a sweater she bought me weeks ago , and put it under the tree as her gift to me . She won 't know the difference . That 's sad , but somehow freeing . One more step on the path to letting go . Last Sunday we took Mom out to lunch after church . She tasted her vegetables and immediately reached for the salt shaker . She took a few bites , reached for the shaker , and salted again . And again . And again . It 's a dementia thing ; her sense of taste is changing . The fourth or fifth time , I gently but firmly urged Mom not to salt her food . I told her I was sorry to be bossy , but she 'd already done it twice ( no need to mention the other three times ) , and we needed to watch her sodium . I noticed a woman at the next table looking at me with a concerned expression . I wondered if she thought I was being cruel ; why shouldn 't my mother salt her food as much as she wanted ? I wondered if I was being judged . I 'd like to wish you a Merry Christmas or a Happy Holiday , a joyous celebration of whatever brings your family around the table this time of year . But I am letting go of the need , and the obligation , to be merry and happy all the time . Instead , I 'll just offer the secular salutation of my 1960 's childhood : In this season of beauty and loss , joy and heartache , I greet you , as the woman in the restaurant greeted me . " Bless you . I 've been there . " I 'm talking about emotional baggage - the issues that inevitably crop up between parents and children , married couples , siblings . Issues like unrealistic expectations , or personality conflicts , or bad parenting , or ( in my case ) an almost too - perfect parent who never intended to make me feel inadequate , but who was , by her very nature , so good at everything that I sometimes felt I 'd never measure up . Poor Mom couldn 't say anything about my housekeeping or my parenting without pushing my buttons : What did she mean by that ? Was it a veiled criticism ? Why do I care ? ? Very few of us get through mid - life without some baggage , so if you 're like me , when a family member shows signs of dementia you are already carrying some weight . You get on the dementia train hauling trunks and suitcases of tired old resentments , fully expecting to use them all . Who knows when you might need to reach in and pull out a pet argument or a sensitive point ? But eventually , dementia renders all of that baggage useless . Sure , the person with dementia may argue , but she can 't engage in the subtle tug - of - war you packed in your train case . She can 't play your little power games , at least not verbally . She can 't remember what you said five minutes ago . She can 't even remember what she said five minutes ago . At first this is infuriating . Just when you 're old and wise enough to prove to your parents that you know exactly what you 're doing , they can 't hold onto a thought . I remember realizing that I finally had my house the way I wanted it , the way I knew my mother would love to see it , and she had stopped caring . Her need to feel that she had succeeded in teaching me the domestic arts was completely overrun by her need to feel safe and loved . This is when , paradoxically , dementia becomes a gift . After a struggle - I won 't lie , this takes time - you begin to see that all the baggage you 've been lugging around at great expense has stopped serving you . It 's just a burden now : your pride , your need for approval , your righteous indignation ; all are worthless in the face of pure , vulnerable human need . You begin to unpack , to shed , to leave things behind in baggage claim . You settle in with your traveling companion . For the first time on your dementia journey , you notice the scenery , and to your surprise , some of it is lovely . I was visiting a friend in the mountains last summer , and she told me about her father 's last years . " I was not close to my dad , " she said , " and I had a lot of anger . It was hard to be around him sometimes . But once he was really deep in the dementia , I let go of all that . He was so obviously in a different place , and there was no point in digging up the old arguments . I just let him be who he was . " Posted on April 14 , 2016 by Carolyn Cook 33 I lost my temper with Mom today , but she doesn 't know it , because I 've learned to keep these things to myself . So it can be our little secret . Okay ? Mom believes , every single day , that things have been stolen from her . This is a fairly typical symptom of dementia , and it long ago stopped surprising me . The good news is that most days , nothing is actually missing . She believes a basket of clean laundry has been stolen - she 's absolutely sure of this - but the basket is there in her closet , and the clothes are either in her drawers or in my dryer . My sister and I don 't point out anymore that she 's wrong . That would be cruel . We validate her feelings : Oh , Mom , that 's awful . You must be so upset . This approach allows her to save face , and us to save our breath . Her reality is reality ; there 's no point in arguing . And when you think about it , people with dementia are experiencing loss . My insightful sister pointed out years ago that the missing laundry is a metaphor . Mom is missing something : not clothing , but something equally personal . She 's missing her sense of control , her belief that everything is in place . Parts of her brain have actually been stolen , embezzled by the firm of Plaque and Tangle , LLC . There are days , however , when actual physical items disappear : usually her hearing aid , glasses , or room key . I keep spares of all three , because these are not things she can easily do without . After angrily denouncing the staff of her assisted living for stealing her belongings , she agrees to use the spare . And here 's the kicker : within a few days , the missing item turns up . I go to visit and see that the original hearing aid is in her ear , she 's wearing her regular glasses , or the key is in its accustomed basket on the bookcase . I do a little sleuthing to recover the back - up item , and whisk it away to my house . Mom never once says - or even realizes - that everything 's back to normal . You see what 's happening , right ? She 's hiding things . This , too , is typical of dementia . She probably puts these crucial items someplace safe , someplace where a thief won 't find them , and then loses track of them herself . Or , more infuriating , she may actually hide them in order to test us . Will we believe her when she says they 've been stolen ? Will we take her seriously ? Or will we dismiss her as a crazy old woman ? I don 't believe for a minute that Mom is doing this consciously , but I think she might be doing it . As surely as a three - year - old with icing on her chin will deny eating the last cupcake , an 89 - year - old with dementia will do whatever it takes to maintain her dignity . The difference is that you can teach a three - year - old that her dishonesty has consequences . The person this far into dementia can 't make that connection ( though I will argue passionately that she can still do many other things well ) . So you have to roll with her fiction . If you want to live peacefully , there is no other choice . A couple of days ago Mom 's key was missing . Stolen ! Taken from her apartment on a basket of clean laundry ! And the management refused to make her a new key ! The whole spiel . Wow , I consoled , that 's awful . You must be so upset . I brought her over to my house for a truly wonderful visit : we had tea , looked at books , sang songs . When I took her home , I slipped the back - up key , on its bright , plastic - daisy ring , into the pocket of her walker , trusting that within a week or so the old key would turn up . Sure enough , there it was today in her pocket . The missing key . The stolen property . The loot . Less than forty - eight hours after the crime . I found the spare key and quietly slipped it into my purse . And for some reason , maybe the slight cold I 'm fighting off , I lost my temper . No - one noticed ; it was quick , and it all happened inside my head . But it happened . You devil , I thought . You had that key all along . Why do you do this ? There 's no answer . She does it because she has dementia . It was a good reminder of how frustrating this is , how angry I used to be all the time , how hard it must be for people who never get a break from caregiving . How important it is to step back , rest , breathe . Laugh . Perspective is everything . Usually mine is pretty good . But some days . . . some days it gets hijacked . Stolen . Some days , my good attitude goes out on basket of clean laundry . Thank goodness it tends to show back up , exactly where I left it - if only I can remember where that is . It 's an explosion of flowering trees , wisteria , and azaleas . The biological imperative to reproduce is on full display : one of my daughter 's professors calls this " plant mating season " . The trees are outdoing each other for attention . The rest of us are VIP guests at Plant World Fashion Week . But it 's worth it , especially if you have an 89 - year - old mother with dementia . Because beauty never gets old . This time of year I don 't need to come up with any activities to do with her . All we have to do is go for a drive , and she 's happy . The other day we went to one of our favorite spots , a small lake with a walking trail . We used to walk around it , but now we 're content to sit on one of the swings and take in the view . We become a cheering section for joggers , a welcoming committee for parents and toddlers , and a disappointment to the ducks , who were expecting snacks . I 've said this before , but it bears repeating : Mom 's dementia has forced me to slow down and notice all of this . It 's easy to take it for granted , or dismiss it as a nuisance - pollen season , ugh . Driving through neighborhoods with her , walking oh - so - slowly to a park bench , sitting together without saying a word , I experience spring as a gift . Every flower on these stately trees is new life from very , very old life ; life that will continue long after she and I are dead ; life that will remind me of her when she 's gone . I can imagine myself in twenty years , on an spring day in Atlanta , sitting outside ( on the same swing ? ) and remembering her . I can already picture the sunshine , the slight nip in the air , the blossoms on the trees , and the thought in my mind : I haven 't written about my mother - in - law , partly because her life is her own business , and partly because I 've been focused on my own mother 's journey . But she is a piece of my dementia - care puzzle . She 's one of the many reasons I 'm passionate about old people . With a degree in fashion design , Charlotte was an accomplished seamstress ( her last - minute repair of the best man 's tuxedo pants saved my wedding ) . She was also a gifted kindergarten and first grade teacher . She could take children who seemed hopelessly lost at school and turn them into readers . Her classroom was a safe , loving place for children from all walks of life - rural farm workers , immigrants , townies - anyone who needed an education in her little corner of Georgia . Charlotte treasured books . She taught her students to love the feel of a book in their hands , to treat books as almost sacred objects . " Don 't leave that book on the floor ! " she 'd cry . " Take care of it ! Treat it the way you would treat your best friend ! " She also adored animals of every kind , and was never without a pet . This woman now lives with dementia . Her condition is different from my mom 's . Mom almost certainly has Alzheimer 's disease . My mother - in - law 's dementia is probably the result of multiple mini - strokes over the course of decades , one of which left her unconscious for almost twenty - four hours . She 'd like nothing more than to move back into the house she was living in when her cognitive problems began - the same house where my husband and I baked those cookies forty years ago . She 's angry that her house has been sold , angry that life has taken this bizarre turn . Why can 't she go home ? Why did we sell her furniture ? What have we done with her mother 's silver ? We recently found something that seems to lift her out of the anger for a while ( besides pictures of her grandchildren , which have always helped ) . She still loves books , especially large photo books , the kind you put on your coffee table for a few years and wind up donating to the thrift store - National Geographic books , Life Magazine albums , art museum catalogs , old comic strip collections . And of course , books about animals . My husband snatches these up from libraries and thrift stores , packs them in a rolling suitcase , and takes them to the nursing home . They bring Charlotte a few moments of joy , a chance to forget her disappointments and lose herself in a good book . I don 't know how much longer she 'll be able to enjoy them - she 's very withdrawn - but for now , they provide a tiny window into a world she loves , a world where books are treasures and she is still the patient woman who taught so many children to read . Mom used to belong to a group called " Quilting for Others " , which provides warm lap quilts to homeless shelters , senior centers , and other places where there 's a need . She had to give up the group when she moved to Atlanta , but she brought boxes of quilting projects with her . I knew next to nothing about quilting , but I discovered that Mom could teach me , if I had the patience to learn . At the time I didn 't actually want to learn quilting , and I was finding other things to do with Mom , so I gave a lot of the materials back to her group . But I recently opened a mystery box in my attic and discovered some five - year - old projects that were almost complete . The quilt tops , soft batting , and fabric backing were pinned together . The quilts only needed to be tied and bound . Maybe we could do that . She has tied two quilts since I opened that box . At first I tried to plan everything out in advance and put pins where each knot should go . Bad idea ; Mom has her own way of working . As soon as I let go of control ( life lesson , again ) , she was happy . Posted on January 8 , 2016 by Carolyn Cook 12 As an actor , I go through regular periods of unemployment , and I always worry that I 'll never work again . Like most artists , I 'm sure my last gig really was my last . Between jobs I can easily become discouraged , even depressed if I let it go that far . I try not to let it go that far ; life is way too short . Still , I know what it 's like to feel useless . It 's not fun . Fortunately , I know my life 's work isn 't over . If nobody hires me to act , I will produce a play ( I 've done that ) . If I can 't raise the money to produce a play , I will volunteer for a theater ( I can usher ) . If nobody wants me to volunteer , I will memorize monologues and recite them on the subway ( watch out , commuters ) . I will work . But what if I couldn 't ? What if there really was no job for me , and I couldn 't create one for myself ? What if society didn 't want my services ? My mom has always been useful . In any situation she is ready to help , ready to serve , ready to make a difference . Before she developed dementia , she had a thriving volunteer life . Before that , she had a great marriage , a career , and three decades of child - rearing ( her first child was born in 1949 , and her last left for college in 1978 ) . She used to tell me that , more than anything , she wanted to die busy . Feeling useless is her worst nightmare . Unfortunately , she has plenty of opportunities to feel that way . She lives in assisted living , so all her meals and housekeeping are provided . She doesn 't drive ( which is a good thing ) , so she can 't visit the sick or volunteer in nursing homes the way she used to . It 's not a good idea for her to tutor math anymore , although she 'd love to do it . She needs simple projects , but her dementia makes it hard for her to plan and execute tasks on her own - things like writing a letter or organizing a photo album , the kinds of things many older adults can still do . I was devastated when I began hearing Mom say , after just a month or so in her new home , " I feel so useless . Why am I still here ? I 'm just taking up space and spending your inheritance . Why don 't I just die ? " I wanted to say , " Mom , don 't talk like that ! Why are you being so negative ? " But slowly , I began to get it . I 've been there - not to that degree , thank God , but still . . . I know the territory . So I said , " You 're useful to me . You 're my mommy . " And I thought , " Somebody needs to give this poor woman a job . " Like me , like all of us , people with dementia need to be useful . They need jobs - ways to participate in the workforce for as long as possible , and then household chores , volunteer work , meaningful tasks that contribute to the community . They need to be needed . Dementia doesn 't have to stand in their way , if the rest of us are willing to rethink our response to the disease . Thomas Carlyle said , " Work is the grand cure of all the maladies and miseries that ever beset mankind . " My mom 's dementia doesn 't have a cure . But her feelings of uselessness do . Welcome ! Hi ! I 'm Carolyn , an actress , mom , wife , and dabbler in all things artistic . Glad to have you with me on a journey of discovery . I 'm blogging about art , life , and how each one changes the other . I invite you to follow along .
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Or perhaps chocolate is your drug of choice . Then let 's belly up to the chocolate bar and drown our sorrows in cocoa and whipped cream . Either way , we need to admit that this is hard . I can write about the things that are working , which is basically a form of cheerleading combined with self - congratulation : " Look ! There are things you can do with your loved ones to keep them happy ! It 's not so bad after all ! You don 't have to despair ! See , I 'm not despairing ! ! Aren 't I wonderful ? ! " Or I can acknowledge the grief , the dull persistent ache , of realizing that she 's getting more confused , that the disease is gradually taking her in the same direction it took my grandmother - to a place of paranoia and isolation . That route saddens me so much that I quietly avoid it . I work around it . I find ways to redirect her attention to things that make us both happy : songs , games , friends , church , simple sewing projects , nature . And I ask myself , am I really handling her dementia well , or just pretending it isn 't there ? As always , I suppose the truth is somewhere in the middle . It 's true that this is the hardest time of year for her , and by extension , for me . She genuinely believes that her gifts have been stolen . She needs to be reassured , over and over , that they 're all at my house , safely wrapped and ready for Christmas day . ( Leaving them at her place just confuses her . ) Next week she 'll say that all the gifts she received have been stolen , and take bitter , self - righteous comfort in the belief that at least , like a good little girl , she wrote her thank - you notes . Yet somehow this year , I 'm doing okay . I 've learned not to draw too much attention to Christmas . We don 't decorate her apartment anymore , because the ornaments trigger her paranoia . We do a little shopping with her and take care of the rest on our own . We visit thrift stores all year round ; her favorite thing to do is to buy me " something pretty , " and she never remembers what we 've bought . This means I can pull out a sweater she bought me weeks ago , and put it under the tree as her gift to me . She won 't know the difference . That 's sad , but somehow freeing . One more step on the path to letting go . Last Sunday we took Mom out to lunch after church . She tasted her vegetables and immediately reached for the salt shaker . She took a few bites , reached for the shaker , and salted again . And again . And again . It 's a dementia thing ; her sense of taste is changing . The fourth or fifth time , I gently but firmly urged Mom not to salt her food . I told her I was sorry to be bossy , but she 'd already done it twice ( no need to mention the other three times ) , and we needed to watch her sodium . I noticed a woman at the next table looking at me with a concerned expression . I wondered if she thought I was being cruel ; why shouldn 't my mother salt her food as much as she wanted ? I wondered if I was being judged . I 'd like to wish you a Merry Christmas or a Happy Holiday , a joyous celebration of whatever brings your family around the table this time of year . But I am letting go of the need , and the obligation , to be merry and happy all the time . Instead , I 'll just offer the secular salutation of my 1960 's childhood : In this season of beauty and loss , joy and heartache , I greet you , as the woman in the restaurant greeted me . " Bless you . I 've been there . " I 'm talking about emotional baggage - the issues that inevitably crop up between parents and children , married couples , siblings . Issues like unrealistic expectations , or personality conflicts , or bad parenting , or ( in my case ) an almost too - perfect parent who never intended to make me feel inadequate , but who was , by her very nature , so good at everything that I sometimes felt I 'd never measure up . Poor Mom couldn 't say anything about my housekeeping or my parenting without pushing my buttons : What did she mean by that ? Was it a veiled criticism ? Why do I care ? ? Very few of us get through mid - life without some baggage , so if you 're like me , when a family member shows signs of dementia you are already carrying some weight . You get on the dementia train hauling trunks and suitcases of tired old resentments , fully expecting to use them all . Who knows when you might need to reach in and pull out a pet argument or a sensitive point ? But eventually , dementia renders all of that baggage useless . Sure , the person with dementia may argue , but she can 't engage in the subtle tug - of - war you packed in your train case . She can 't play your little power games , at least not verbally . She can 't remember what you said five minutes ago . She can 't even remember what she said five minutes ago . At first this is infuriating . Just when you 're old and wise enough to prove to your parents that you know exactly what you 're doing , they can 't hold onto a thought . I remember realizing that I finally had my house the way I wanted it , the way I knew my mother would love to see it , and she had stopped caring . Her need to feel that she had succeeded in teaching me the domestic arts was completely overrun by her need to feel safe and loved . This is when , paradoxically , dementia becomes a gift . After a struggle - I won 't lie , this takes time - you begin to see that all the baggage you 've been lugging around at great expense has stopped serving you . It 's just a burden now : your pride , your need for approval , your righteous indignation ; all are worthless in the face of pure , vulnerable human need . You begin to unpack , to shed , to leave things behind in baggage claim . You settle in with your traveling companion . For the first time on your dementia journey , you notice the scenery , and to your surprise , some of it is lovely . I was visiting a friend in the mountains last summer , and she told me about her father 's last years . " I was not close to my dad , " she said , " and I had a lot of anger . It was hard to be around him sometimes . But once he was really deep in the dementia , I let go of all that . He was so obviously in a different place , and there was no point in digging up the old arguments . I just let him be who he was . " Posted on April 14 , 2016 by Carolyn Cook 33 I lost my temper with Mom today , but she doesn 't know it , because I 've learned to keep these things to myself . So it can be our little secret . Okay ? Mom believes , every single day , that things have been stolen from her . This is a fairly typical symptom of dementia , and it long ago stopped surprising me . The good news is that most days , nothing is actually missing . She believes a basket of clean laundry has been stolen - she 's absolutely sure of this - but the basket is there in her closet , and the clothes are either in her drawers or in my dryer . My sister and I don 't point out anymore that she 's wrong . That would be cruel . We validate her feelings : Oh , Mom , that 's awful . You must be so upset . This approach allows her to save face , and us to save our breath . Her reality is reality ; there 's no point in arguing . And when you think about it , people with dementia are experiencing loss . My insightful sister pointed out years ago that the missing laundry is a metaphor . Mom is missing something : not clothing , but something equally personal . She 's missing her sense of control , her belief that everything is in place . Parts of her brain have actually been stolen , embezzled by the firm of Plaque and Tangle , LLC . There are days , however , when actual physical items disappear : usually her hearing aid , glasses , or room key . I keep spares of all three , because these are not things she can easily do without . After angrily denouncing the staff of her assisted living for stealing her belongings , she agrees to use the spare . And here 's the kicker : within a few days , the missing item turns up . I go to visit and see that the original hearing aid is in her ear , she 's wearing her regular glasses , or the key is in its accustomed basket on the bookcase . I do a little sleuthing to recover the back - up item , and whisk it away to my house . Mom never once says - or even realizes - that everything 's back to normal . You see what 's happening , right ? She 's hiding things . This , too , is typical of dementia . She probably puts these crucial items someplace safe , someplace where a thief won 't find them , and then loses track of them herself . Or , more infuriating , she may actually hide them in order to test us . Will we believe her when she says they 've been stolen ? Will we take her seriously ? Or will we dismiss her as a crazy old woman ? I don 't believe for a minute that Mom is doing this consciously , but I think she might be doing it . As surely as a three - year - old with icing on her chin will deny eating the last cupcake , an 89 - year - old with dementia will do whatever it takes to maintain her dignity . The difference is that you can teach a three - year - old that her dishonesty has consequences . The person this far into dementia can 't make that connection ( though I will argue passionately that she can still do many other things well ) . So you have to roll with her fiction . If you want to live peacefully , there is no other choice . A couple of days ago Mom 's key was missing . Stolen ! Taken from her apartment on a basket of clean laundry ! And the management refused to make her a new key ! The whole spiel . Wow , I consoled , that 's awful . You must be so upset . I brought her over to my house for a truly wonderful visit : we had tea , looked at books , sang songs . When I took her home , I slipped the back - up key , on its bright , plastic - daisy ring , into the pocket of her walker , trusting that within a week or so the old key would turn up . Sure enough , there it was today in her pocket . The missing key . The stolen property . The loot . Less than forty - eight hours after the crime . I found the spare key and quietly slipped it into my purse . And for some reason , maybe the slight cold I 'm fighting off , I lost my temper . No - one noticed ; it was quick , and it all happened inside my head . But it happened . You devil , I thought . You had that key all along . Why do you do this ? There 's no answer . She does it because she has dementia . It was a good reminder of how frustrating this is , how angry I used to be all the time , how hard it must be for people who never get a break from caregiving . How important it is to step back , rest , breathe . Laugh . Perspective is everything . Usually mine is pretty good . But some days . . . some days it gets hijacked . Stolen . Some days , my good attitude goes out on basket of clean laundry . Thank goodness it tends to show back up , exactly where I left it - if only I can remember where that is . It 's an explosion of flowering trees , wisteria , and azaleas . The biological imperative to reproduce is on full display : one of my daughter 's professors calls this " plant mating season " . The trees are outdoing each other for attention . The rest of us are VIP guests at Plant World Fashion Week . But it 's worth it , especially if you have an 89 - year - old mother with dementia . Because beauty never gets old . This time of year I don 't need to come up with any activities to do with her . All we have to do is go for a drive , and she 's happy . The other day we went to one of our favorite spots , a small lake with a walking trail . We used to walk around it , but now we 're content to sit on one of the swings and take in the view . We become a cheering section for joggers , a welcoming committee for parents and toddlers , and a disappointment to the ducks , who were expecting snacks . I 've said this before , but it bears repeating : Mom 's dementia has forced me to slow down and notice all of this . It 's easy to take it for granted , or dismiss it as a nuisance - pollen season , ugh . Driving through neighborhoods with her , walking oh - so - slowly to a park bench , sitting together without saying a word , I experience spring as a gift . Every flower on these stately trees is new life from very , very old life ; life that will continue long after she and I are dead ; life that will remind me of her when she 's gone . I can imagine myself in twenty years , on an spring day in Atlanta , sitting outside ( on the same swing ? ) and remembering her . I can already picture the sunshine , the slight nip in the air , the blossoms on the trees , and the thought in my mind : I haven 't written about my mother - in - law , partly because her life is her own business , and partly because I 've been focused on my own mother 's journey . But she is a piece of my dementia - care puzzle . She 's one of the many reasons I 'm passionate about old people . With a degree in fashion design , Charlotte was an accomplished seamstress ( her last - minute repair of the best man 's tuxedo pants saved my wedding ) . She was also a gifted kindergarten and first grade teacher . She could take children who seemed hopelessly lost at school and turn them into readers . Her classroom was a safe , loving place for children from all walks of life - rural farm workers , immigrants , townies - anyone who needed an education in her little corner of Georgia . Charlotte treasured books . She taught her students to love the feel of a book in their hands , to treat books as almost sacred objects . " Don 't leave that book on the floor ! " she 'd cry . " Take care of it ! Treat it the way you would treat your best friend ! " She also adored animals of every kind , and was never without a pet . This woman now lives with dementia . Her condition is different from my mom 's . Mom almost certainly has Alzheimer 's disease . My mother - in - law 's dementia is probably the result of multiple mini - strokes over the course of decades , one of which left her unconscious for almost twenty - four hours . She 'd like nothing more than to move back into the house she was living in when her cognitive problems began - the same house where my husband and I baked those cookies forty years ago . She 's angry that her house has been sold , angry that life has taken this bizarre turn . Why can 't she go home ? Why did we sell her furniture ? What have we done with her mother 's silver ? We recently found something that seems to lift her out of the anger for a while ( besides pictures of her grandchildren , which have always helped ) . She still loves books , especially large photo books , the kind you put on your coffee table for a few years and wind up donating to the thrift store - National Geographic books , Life Magazine albums , art museum catalogs , old comic strip collections . And of course , books about animals . My husband snatches these up from libraries and thrift stores , packs them in a rolling suitcase , and takes them to the nursing home . They bring Charlotte a few moments of joy , a chance to forget her disappointments and lose herself in a good book . I don 't know how much longer she 'll be able to enjoy them - she 's very withdrawn - but for now , they provide a tiny window into a world she loves , a world where books are treasures and she is still the patient woman who taught so many children to read . Mom used to belong to a group called " Quilting for Others " , which provides warm lap quilts to homeless shelters , senior centers , and other places where there 's a need . She had to give up the group when she moved to Atlanta , but she brought boxes of quilting projects with her . I knew next to nothing about quilting , but I discovered that Mom could teach me , if I had the patience to learn . At the time I didn 't actually want to learn quilting , and I was finding other things to do with Mom , so I gave a lot of the materials back to her group . But I recently opened a mystery box in my attic and discovered some five - year - old projects that were almost complete . The quilt tops , soft batting , and fabric backing were pinned together . The quilts only needed to be tied and bound . Maybe we could do that . She has tied two quilts since I opened that box . At first I tried to plan everything out in advance and put pins where each knot should go . Bad idea ; Mom has her own way of working . As soon as I let go of control ( life lesson , again ) , she was happy . Posted on January 8 , 2016 by Carolyn Cook 12 As an actor , I go through regular periods of unemployment , and I always worry that I 'll never work again . Like most artists , I 'm sure my last gig really was my last . Between jobs I can easily become discouraged , even depressed if I let it go that far . I try not to let it go that far ; life is way too short . Still , I know what it 's like to feel useless . It 's not fun . Fortunately , I know my life 's work isn 't over . If nobody hires me to act , I will produce a play ( I 've done that ) . If I can 't raise the money to produce a play , I will volunteer for a theater ( I can usher ) . If nobody wants me to volunteer , I will memorize monologues and recite them on the subway ( watch out , commuters ) . I will work . But what if I couldn 't ? What if there really was no job for me , and I couldn 't create one for myself ? What if society didn 't want my services ? My mom has always been useful . In any situation she is ready to help , ready to serve , ready to make a difference . Before she developed dementia , she had a thriving volunteer life . Before that , she had a great marriage , a career , and three decades of child - rearing ( her first child was born in 1949 , and her last left for college in 1978 ) . She used to tell me that , more than anything , she wanted to die busy . Feeling useless is her worst nightmare . Unfortunately , she has plenty of opportunities to feel that way . She lives in assisted living , so all her meals and housekeeping are provided . She doesn 't drive ( which is a good thing ) , so she can 't visit the sick or volunteer in nursing homes the way she used to . It 's not a good idea for her to tutor math anymore , although she 'd love to do it . She needs simple projects , but her dementia makes it hard for her to plan and execute tasks on her own - things like writing a letter or organizing a photo album , the kinds of things many older adults can still do . I was devastated when I began hearing Mom say , after just a month or so in her new home , " I feel so useless . Why am I still here ? I 'm just taking up space and spending your inheritance . Why don 't I just die ? " I wanted to say , " Mom , don 't talk like that ! Why are you being so negative ? " But slowly , I began to get it . I 've been there - not to that degree , thank God , but still . . . I know the territory . So I said , " You 're useful to me . You 're my mommy . " And I thought , " Somebody needs to give this poor woman a job . " Like me , like all of us , people with dementia need to be useful . They need jobs - ways to participate in the workforce for as long as possible , and then household chores , volunteer work , meaningful tasks that contribute to the community . They need to be needed . Dementia doesn 't have to stand in their way , if the rest of us are willing to rethink our response to the disease . Thomas Carlyle said , " Work is the grand cure of all the maladies and miseries that ever beset mankind . " My mom 's dementia doesn 't have a cure . But her feelings of uselessness do . Welcome ! Hi ! I 'm Carolyn , an actress , mom , wife , and dabbler in all things artistic . Glad to have you with me on a journey of discovery . I 'm blogging about art , life , and how each one changes the other . I invite you to follow along .
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That 's all it takes . That 's what adult adoptees want . That 's what adult adoptees deserve . Show a little respect , and you 'll find out that those so - called " angry adoptees " are totally easy ! So says Joy : We aren 't given any respect , oh find out what it means to me ! It is always , it was so hard for your mothers and whatnot . I am sure it was , try being in the center of the whole implosion though and being told repeatedly that you don 't matter . That your feelings are imagined , that you need a second opinion about your own life and that is a reasonable statement ? Srsly ? All you have to do is believe us , not ridicule or minimize us . For so many people , calling us ' angsty girls ' or whatnot , that is beyond their capacity despite its simplicity . That you need a second opinion about your own life . Wow , that 's a powerful statement . Meditate on that a moment . How would that make you feel ? Disrespected ? Exactly . And y ' all are SO entitled to respect , especially from adoptive parents - listening to you makes us better parents . Simple as that . We owe you . Of course , I was really honored by her kind comments ( and others who posted in the comments , thanks , too ! ) , but at the same time , it 's really sad that it 's something to be complimented for ! Every human being deserves respect . And from adoptive parents , adult adoptees who share their feelings so that we can learn to be better parents , those adult adoptees deserve more than respect - - our understanding , our support , our gratitude still wouldn 't be enough . But giving respect ? That 's easy ! A British woman has published an adoption memoir about her adoption from Mexico called Mexican Takeaway . ( Yeah , I just had to share the cover . ) In British - speak , " takeaway " equals " takeout , " like the icky references to China adoption as " Chinese Takeout " to distinguish it from " homemade " kids . I haven 't read the book , but between the author 's website descriptions and what I could read through Amazon 's look inside feature , the basic theme seems to be that she and her husband wanted to offer a home to a needy child and everyone in Britain tried to stop them . So off they go to Mexico to rescue a needy child . Part of the attempts to stop them from adopting were British social workers who deemed them " too white " to adopt . In fact , Too White to Adopt is the title of the first chapter of the book . You know , SOMETIMES it isn 't about the race of the potential adoptive parent . SOMETIMES it 's about racial ATTITUDES of the potential adoptive parents . It 's like a case I teach in Adoption Law , where white foster parents sue the state when it won 't approve their adoption of their African - American foster child . It 's gotta be because they 're white , right ? Never mind that the mom initially said she didn 't want to foster any black children because she didn 't want anyone to think the child was hers and that she 'd slept with a black man . Never mind that she told the social worker she didn 't know how to take care of black kids , like they were some other species . Never mind that she told the psychologist that she didn 't think it important to do anything different to help an African - American child form a positive racial identity . Never mind that she told the social worker she had no black friends and " wasn 't going to manufacture " black friends just to help her potential adopted child . So , I gotta wonder here , with an adoptive parent who could use such an insensitive book title , whether she was " too white , " or whether her attitude was dismissive and insensitive to racial differences . . . . That 's my takeaway . With the blatant racism of the whole " birther thing , " ( sorry , guys , I know you don 't like it when I talk politics , but this stuff has been outrageously racist ) , it 's fitting that Psychology Today has a piece on talking about race with young children : Colorblindness dictates that we should not notice or talk about race , and thus the right thing to do in polite company is to not acknowledge difference . The goal is noble : as Dr . Martin Luther King Jr . movingly said , we want to judge people " not by the color of their skin , but by the content of their character . " Accordingly , a large study of racial socialization ( Hughes et al . , 2006 ) concluded that parents of majority and minority children alike do emphasize hard work , virtue , self - acceptance , and equality when raising their children . Yet , in our increasingly multicultural society , our children are going to be exposed to race - related issues sooner or later - and they need to be prepared . Children may witness acts of exclusion or rejection based on race , or will themselves be targets of discrimination . It is precisely for these instances that parents must provide their children with a framework for understanding difference , for helping them place such experiences within a developmentally appropriate narrative about the meaning of race both within their family and their culture . Think for a moment about how you might best react if your child saw or even experienced bullying . I doubt many parents would cope with the problem by not talking about it . Rather , a likely response might be to shower our child with love , remind them that we are always going to be in their corner , to avoid that bully , and additionally make sure that our child doesn 't go hit somebody else . A lot of these strategies apply to racism - but they cannot be enacted if we don 't broach the topic directly , albeit in a developmentally appropriate way . It is important to understand a couple of reasons why a strategy of avoiding conversations about race simply doesn 't work with kids . The first reason is that while many parents don 't talk about race , peers certainly do point out differences , and it is critical to equip our children with the scripts and strategies to navigate these early conversations successfully . But the second , and more important , reason is that the words we say ( or don 't say ) are only one modality through which children learn about their world . When children see their parents or other adults tense up around members of other groups , or notice that adults ' social networks are not very diverse , or pick up on racial segregation in their environment , there is a clear message being communicated . That message is that skin color does matter , just in a secret way that nobody is going let you in on . Thus not talking about race can make the subject even more confusing . And when children are young , the only way for them to resolve this confusion may be by concluding that people of other races are " bad , " thus setting the stage for exactly what many parents seek to avoid : prejudice . As far as the data goes , the research is clear . Kids have the capacity to notice race from a very early age - infants will stare longer at faces of people from races they are unfamiliar with , which tells us they notice difference . Yet difference is a long shot from racism - an awareness of stereotypes and racism doesn 't begin to happen until about age 6 ( McKown and Weinstein , 2003 ) . Between those ages , there is a lot of time for parents to teach valuable lessons to their children about how to confront difference . Rather than avoiding race through a colorblind strategy , I recommend that parents do talk about difference . Parents should strive to go one step further than simply saying " it doesn 't matter . " Rather , parents can adopt a message of acknowledging and celebrating differences - talking , for example ( and as a first step ) , about different cultural traditions , or dishes that different people cook . This is known as a multiculturalist strategy - one that recognizes and celebrates our differences . At the same time , however , the message of multiculturalism needs to be complemented by a message about our common humanity - in other words , the things that unite us . A children 's book that mixes these messages well is Sesame Street 's " We 're different , We 're the same . . . and we 're all Wonderful . " I 've written about talking to young kids about race as well , and trying to adress the HOW question , how do we talk to our kids about race and racism ? See here . The other night I got a phone call from a friend . She and her husband had gone though an agonizing process of applying to adopt hard to place children . After all the paperwork , processes and trials she received a call and a little girl and baby boy were dropped off at her place a few days ago . The children had just been taken by CPS from their mother . They were terrified . She called me thrilled to have children and heartbroken at how sad they were . She called me for advice . I showed up at her house and spent the evening helping her with the basics - what clothes needed , supplies , and every tip I could think of in a crash course of the first 24 months of a child 's life . The little ones were crying and desperate to be held . My heart broke for them , innocent victims of a irresponsible parent . It took a tremendous amount of comforting to get them to sleep . We walked , sang , held , fed and created shopping lists for all the things they would need . I watched my friend go through the nine months of emotions in a night … the thrill , joy , terror , and heartbreak of having children . I walked through those emotions during my pregnancy and birth of my daughter and I was honored to get to escort my friend through a similar journey . It didn 't matter what process we went through to have children , what matter was we had them . I watched her rock and sing to a baby that was thrust into her arms without knowing anything about the child . I have had the benefit of slowly learning the unique preference and tendencies of my child and it never occurred to me that when foster parents were given the children to watch over how little information they received about the kids . I never though through that when children were taken from their parents by CPS that the parents did not say what there children were allergic too , if they used a pacifier , what there favorite foods were , if they had a favorite blanket or toy , how they slept at night . All of things that I knew about my daughter , my friend had to discover through trial and error . I was in awe of her determination and the love she freely gave to these terrified little children . Once they were asleep I hugged her and left . I was exhausted as I drove home , processing all the emotions and events of the night . I was honored to be apart of pouring life into a child and supporting my friend in such a memorable time . My eyes were opened to what a demanding and emotional job it is being a foster parent it . I have been through a difficult pregnancy , a week of pre - labor and 12 excruciating hours of birth . I have my battle scars of becoming a mother . Now , my friend has them as well … I saw her go through the labor and birthing pains of a mother … not the same as mine but just as real and just as intense as what I went through . I watched her pick up the children and I smiled at her … she was a mother . She smiled back at me with tears in her eyes and screaming children around her and my heart melted … ' Welcome to motherhood my dear friend , you will be a great mom . ' A Denver couple adopted Edward and Austin Bryant in 2000 . By 2003 the boys had disappeared . Conflicting accounts of their whereabouts place them with relatives , in institutions or as runaways . A missing persons report was never filed . Other adopted children in the home have recently come forward , concerned about the brothers ' disappearance . There have been accounts that the brothers were often locked in trunks for days , deprived of food and rolled into blankets like burritos as a restraint mechanism . The boys were often seen covered in bruises and welts and the younger Bryant was found scavenging for food in a garbage can . Despite the boys ' disappearance , the adoptive parents continued filing the paperwork necessary to receive a $ 1 , 700 monthly subsidy from the state . Nearly a decade after their disappearance , the boys are now actively being searched for . In Florida , 10 year old Nubia Barahona was beaten to death by her adoptive father . Four days later her body was found in the back of her adoptive father 's pick up truck parked in West Palm Beach ; her brother was chemically burned , but still alive , in the front seat of the truck . The arrest warrant stated that the children were " repeatedly beaten , willfully tortured , maliciously punished and unlawfully caged . " In this case , abuse was reported , however the caseworker failed to adequately investigate . She stopped by the house four days before Nubia 's death , knocked on the door , asked the adoptive mom if everything was OK and then left without ever seeing the children . Her position was terminated . Unfortunately , once children have been adopted , the adoptive families are treated just as any other naturally occurring family . The state only intervenes if there are reports of abuse or neglect and it is up to the adoptive parents to seek out resources . This seems especially problematic because families who adopt out of foster care , especially older children and children with special needs or a history of abuse face very particularized problems . These are considered " high - risk " adoptions and even the most stable , loving and well meaning adoptive parents struggle as they encounter problems such as difficulty communicating , bonding , and trusting . Children can be defiant , angry , and even abusive to other children or pets . Adoption disruption and dissolution has become a growing trend . Professionals have expressed concern that recent public and private initiatives to increase adoptions and decrease time to adoption might lead to inadequate selection and preparation of adoptive homes . All adoptive families are put through a fairly rigorous pre - screening process , but how effective is it ? One component of the screening process is a home study and according to the Texas DFPS , " the purpose of the home study is to discuss your personal history , family interests and lifestyle , childcare experiences , the types of children you feel would best fit in your home , and your strengths and skills in meeting the children 's needs . " Certainly adoptive families are putting their best foot forward at this time , so how well can parenting techniques actually be determined ? The information gathered during this pre - screening process is imperative to the success of the adoption and the health and safety of the children and yet it seems as though children are often being placed for the sake of placement regardless of " fit " . A negative adoptive placement negates the state 's policy of providing permanency for foster children through a stable family environment . Sometimes , it just doesn 't work out . As in the case of the Bryants and Barahonas , adoption was the worst possible thing that could have ever happened to those children . And the most distressing part is that the state absolutely could have intervened . The detective investigating the Bryant brothers ' disappearance said to the press , " I can 't even receive laptops for my department from the state without annual reports and reviews and being able to lay eyes on every single computer . " So why are high - risk adoptions that involve the distribution of state subsidies not being monitored as closely as state issued computers ? Not all parents are created equal , and not all adoptive families have good and pure intentions . When children are in foster care , the state is their parent and it 's the state 's duty to ensure these children are well cared for and placed in safe , supportive environments . Pre - screening adoptive families is just not enough , there has to be post - adoption accountability . One week after her delivery , Sae - Rong , 18 , put her baby girl up for adoption . She was unaware of her pregnancy until 7 months in , when she noticed she had gained weight . With strong objections from her family to keep the baby and no support from her boyfriend 's family , she made the decision , like many Korean unwed mothers , to put her baby up for adoption . While staying at a home for unwed mothers , she wrote a letter to her baby , saying " When we were sending you off , I wanted to keep you in my arms . How could I be giving up my own flesh and blood ? Please don 't forget about me and please look for me . " After escaping North Korea and living in China for the past five years , Keum - Joo , 30 , made it to South Korea . There she delivered a baby at an unwed mother 's home in Pyeongtaek . With no family and little support , she chose to place her baby boy for adoption so that he might have a better life than she could provide . For the past several years , I have been convinced that becoming an adoptive parent someday is a calling for my life . Last summer I spent time volunteering at a large private adoption agency to get a better idea about what adopting through an agency is all about . I was hoping that I could learn about the process , and continue my dreams of someday becoming an adoptive parent . It was an incredibly positive experience . The agency I worked with is one of the oldest and largest adoption agencies in the country , and it was created by people who loved children and saw a need for older children who were living on the streets to be placed with families so that they wouldn 't have to take care of themselves anymore . Originally these children came down to Texas on trains from big cities on the east coast . They stayed with the adoption organizers until they were placed with Texas families . Over the last hundred years the agency has grown and changed to specialize more in infant adoption . My time at the agency was spent mostly tying up any loose ends that the employees needed done to make their workdays a little easier . I spent a lot of time in the insurance department helping file insurance applications and agreements for expectant mothers who were either living at the agency or living at home and keeping contact with the agency during their pregnancies . The woman in charge of the insurance department was a lovely woman with a heart of gold . She was constantly on the phone trying to get Medicare , Medicaid , or any other possible financial help for the expectant mothers ' quickly growing medical bills . She worked her fingers to the bone , and she was almost completely buried in paperwork . She had a love for every expectant mother who walked through the doors because she knew how much work it would take to get all those bills paid , being a mother of four herself . She took care of the insurance needs of expectant mothers who had just recently contacted the agency all the way back to women who had given birth years ago . It did not matter if the mothers had given their children for adoption or decided to raise their own children , she made sure that all of their paperwork was filed on time and taken care of so that they would not have to worry about their medical bills . I also helped make the calendars in the event planning department . This agency has the wonderful resources to plan events for birthmothers , adoptive families , and adoptees so that they may keep in touch . The agency helps introduce adoptees to one anther so that the kids can make friends who share similar stories and experiences . Event planning was a lot of work . The woman in charge had to plan for different regions throughout not only Texas , but also in other states . She had to take into account holidays and other scheduling conflicts to make a best time for most invitees to attend . The agency didn 't just plan one event per region per year . She had multiple events per region every month . She worked hard to make sure that everyone involPosted by " We knew it was bad , " Giesbrecht said . " There were allegations of food running out . Liquids running out . Certainly money had run out long ago . " Employees of the home were bringing their own food to keep the children from going hungry , but were really in no position to do so because the agency hadn 't paid , he said . This isn 't a charity doing the best it can with limited resources - - we often hear those kinds of stories in orphan care . But this isn 't orphan care , this is a BUSINESS that squandered its resources and ignored the kids . Sad sad sad . To grasp what we are talking about here , I can explain it this way , if I were looking to get my vital information such as my birth certificate , I could do it in person for a nominal fee , no questions asked ; or not have to leave the comfort of my own home by paying the fee to a service or a state office that will then happily send it on . For an adoptee in a closed records state the court has sealed this information and they are denied a chance to even look at their original birth certificate much less get a certified copy . Instead of being given their original birth certificate they will receive an " amended " birth certificate with only their adoptive parents name . They will not know their birthparents ' names nor will they even know their original name or if it differed . The amended birth certificate is what the adoptee uses her entire life as a non - adopted person would use their unaltered birth certificate ; for school admissions , passports etc . Naturally most adoptees are curious about their origins , for a multitude of reasons ranging from the physical to the emotional . So why were they sealed in the first place ? Until the early part of the last century birth certificates were treated as public records . However , about eighty years ago , around the 1930s there was such a stigma and an attitude of shame that surrounded the idea of adoption that state governments began sealing the records to protect the birth families , adopting families , and the adoptees from the social stigma associated with the birth family such as poverty or addiction , depravity , or mental illness ( often women who became pregnant outside of wedlock were diagnosed as mentally ill just because they were pregnant out of wedlock ) . There was also a pervasive idea that the adoptive family had to be protected from the birth family and their possible malicious actions or effect on the child . In essence the court wanted to forcibly " protect " the privacy of all parties involved . • There are very low match rates for the voluntary consent registry - 2 % in 1998 . These low success rates are likely caused by lack of knowledge of their existence , both parties have to register , which requires the adoptee knowing she is adopted ; the registry requires accurate information concerning the child 's original name , and proper place and date of birth which may or may not be accurate on the amended birth certificate . So essentially you have to produce information that you don 't have to receive information that you don 't have • There has been no statistical proof in states that have open records that that has been the cause of a lower adoption rate . These are all arguments that have been brought up at various times throughout this debate , some of them have merit and some of them don 't . Firstly though , I suggest we look at the word " right . " Right , I believe , is one of the more misused words in our vocabulary . In this debate you hear statements like , " Birth mothers have a right to privacy " or " Adoptees have a right to their records . " But do they really ? What is a right ? Our fundamental rights , those enumerated and protected by Federal constitution and can be found in the Bill of Rights , such as the right to practice or not practice a religion of your choice ; the right to a fair , speedy and public trial ; the right to speech , etc . We certainly know that the " right to information " is not one of those protected rights ; is privacy ? Privacy , as described in Griswold v . Connecticut , 381 U . S . 479 ( 1965 ) , is granted by the specific guarantees in the Bill of Rights that have penumbras formed by emanations from those guarantees which give them substance . Essentially saying that there are " zones of privacy " such as right of association , the right to be secure in one 's person , house paper , effects , etc . The Tennessee Supreme court answered the question of privacy as applicable to the privacy of the birth family by saying that Tennessee constitutional law provides the right to privacy to encompass the right to procreation and the right to care for one 's children without unwarranted state interference but those rights differ fundamentally from the decision of whether to surrender a child for adoption . The right of adoption is statutory ( not fundamental ) . It was created to protect the interests of children whose parents are unable or unwilling to provide for their care , and not to advance a procreational right to privacy of the biological parent . So from that opinion we can glean that the birthmothers " right to privacy " is not one that is constitutionally protected but one that is statutorily created … . kinda . There is still no " statutory right to privacy " in the adoption papers , there is no right of privacy promised to the biological mother , and the adoption is not contingent on that right to privacy . However , there may be a violation of a privacy right to non - disclosure of personal information without the birthmothers consent ; but still not a constitutionally protected right . What it comes down to I think are the reasons for and against and as stated before I think there are arguments on both sides that have merit . If it were up to me I would say that the records should be left open , because you do need access to your family medical history and you do need to be given the opportunity just as everyone else is , to know where you came from . That is a part of what makes us who we are . Having said that , I don 't know every birthmother 's situation , obviously it wasn 't ideal or the adoption would likely have not taken place , maybe there is a very good reason for her to not have contact with her child . So maybe a compromise would be more ideal . Some states allow adoptees to see their records but according to the wishes of the birthparent , don 't permit contact . That might be the solution here . " I never had anything new , " Caswell says . " I got all the hand - me - downs . And my dad , he did a lot of shopping at the Salvation Army , and his comment was - and quite frankly it 's true - once you 're out of the store and you walk down the street , nobody knows where you bought your clothes . " Under his plan , foster children would receive gift cards that could only be used at places like the Salvation Army , Goodwill and other second hand clothing stores . I 've been known to shop in clothing resale shops , and as a middle child had my share of hand - me - downs , and Maya gets Zoe 's out - grown clothes , so I 'm not taking the snobby position , but really ? Foster children can ONLY have second - hand clothes ? ! I love " smaller government , " " don 't tread on me " Republican proposals ! Child adoption process in the country came under the Supreme Court 's scrutiny on Thursday with the court demanding an explanation from the Ministry of Women and Child Development and the government 's Central Adoption Resource Authority ( CARA ) on the charge that adoption of babies has become nothing more than a " commercial transaction " involving private placement agencies . A three - judge Bench , led by Chief Justice of India S H Kapadia , issued notices to the government and CARA to explain why adopting parents are made to wait for months , entangled in " reams of red - tape " , and foreign parents find it easier to adopt than their Indian counterparts . The CARA has " failed on every count " to monitor and regulate placement agencies , contends the petition filed by 2011 Padma Shri winner Nomita Chandy 's adoption agency Ashraya . " Total apathy and corruption of the respondents ( ministry and CARA ) has led to the adoption process being reduced to a farce , and empowering opaque state - run children 's homes and criminal private individuals to play with the lives of adoptable children and adopting parents , very often reducing the solemn process of adoption to a commercial transaction involving little babies . " Posted by Who would rather see a child suffer in sub - standard living conditions without the support of a loving family than see that child adopted by a financially - and emotionally - stable homosexual individual or couple ? It is difficult to imagine that any person would inflict suffering upon a child in order to fulfill his or her own ideological desires , but through political action - or lack of political action - many persons are denying individuals or couples who identify as homosexuals the privilege of adoption based on their failure to conform to the supposed standard of heterosexuality ; many are consigning children to sub - standard conditions while they wait to be adopted by a heterosexual family . This is neither fair to the individuals who are seeking to adopt nor to the children hoping to be adopted . Homosexual individuals who otherwise meet the legal qualifications that heterosexual individuals meet - whether they are single , in a marriage , in a civil union , or in a domestic partnership - should have the privilege of adopting children . I didn 't realize to what extent I was personally touched by adoption ( my dad was adopted by his step - dad ) until I started taking adoption law . The more stories we heard in class , the more I realized that I could relate . I never really gave it much thought because I grew up knowing that my dad had been adopted by his step - dad when he was a teenager but we would visit his biological dad every now and then ( we lived about 9 hours away ) . My dad always seemed comfortable in his biological dad 's presence but then again , I never really thought about what he may have been feeling inside . My dad never really talked about being adopted but I do think he harbored some animosity towards his mom because of the whole situation . Once I got older , I learned that my dad didn 't even meet his biological dad until he was 18 years old . My grandmother and bio - grandfather were married at one point , had my dad , and then divorced . My grandmother then remarried . My dad was adopted by her second husband who also had a biological son with my grandmother . My grandmother and her second husband ended up divorced as well and he stayed away for the most part ( I have never met my dad 's legal father ) . While my dad was growing up , he was told that his biological dad was basically not worth knowing , so my grandmother was not helpful to say the least when my dad would ask about him . He eventually took it upon himself to find his biological dad once he turned 18 and they finally met face - to - face without my grandmother knowing . I could only imagine what it would be like to meet a bio - parent for the first time , especially when you have only heard negative things about that person . I think that is what caused some of the hard feelings my dad harbored for his mother after he graduated from high school ( his reaction was to join the Navy ) . My bio - grandfather was always nice to us when we would visit so we never saw the bad things that my grandmother had described to my dad . My dad felt like he was unjustifiably denied access to his dad for so many years when he could have been getting to know him . My dad ended up meeting all of his biological half - brothers and half - sisters and still maintains contact with them today . My bio - granddad was actually the only grandfather I 've ever known but my interaction with him was not very extensive in my adult life . My granddad passed away back in February and I was unable to attend the funeral . The thought did run across my mind about maybe feeling awkward at the funeral if I did go . My dad went and was listed in the obituary . I think about my dad 's situation sometimes and wonder if he truly felt like part of his dad 's family . My dad made it a point to find all of his siblings and maintain contact , so to him blood really iPosted by This is where we had a nice surprise - - the girls were recognized by a blog read r ! She said to me , " Wa t ! Are you a lawy r ? Do you write a blo ? " And she said I could put up a cute picture of her kids , one of whom came home from China on Christmas E " We 're killing ourselves with these ethical lapses , " says Chuck Johnson , president of the secular adoption lobby group the National Council for Adoption ( NCFA ) . " I think Christians are the worst at this sometimes , about the ends justifying the means . ' I will do anything to save this one child 's life ' ; ' I will falsify a visa application if I have to . ' " In early 2010 , Johnson told me , NCFA held an online ethics seminar that drew roughly twenty - five representatives from religious and secular adoption agencies . As part of the webinar , NCFA took a blind poll of participants ' responses to various ethical situations . Either through ignorance or a willingness to bend the rules , 20 - 30 percent of agency representatives gave answers that were tantamount to committing visa fraud or other serious violations . " You 'll hear people saying , I 'm following God 's law , not man 's laws , " Johnson says . Brian Luwis , founder of the evangelical agency America World Adoption and a Christian Alliance board member , says ardent adoptive parents can wreak havoc for those coming after them . " I call them ' adoption crazies , ' " he says . " They 're such strong advocates , they 'll do things in desperation to have a child they think is theirs . Some are really unlawful , falsifying an adoption or something like that . Many won 't get caught , but once you get caught , what have you done to the system ? " It 's not hard to imagine how movement rhetoric that casts international adoption as emergency rescue and spiritual battle could inspire a willingness to use any means necessary . There are indications that such rule - bending occurs at the top levels of government . Blogging about the 2010 Adoption Policy Conference in New York for The Huffington Post , sociologist Philip Cohen reported a troubling statement made by Whitney Reitz , an official at US Citizenship and Immigration Services ( USCIS ) - the Homeland Security agency that oversees the entry of international adoptees . Reitz , who is credited with crafting last year 's " humanitarian parole " program for Haitian children , told the crowd , " The idea was to help the kids . And if we overlooked Hague , I don 't think I 'm going to apologize . " It was really tough to narrow down to one snippet from this article - - the whole thing is a must - read . Go ! Now ! Read ! In the first part of this two - part series highlighting the hardships that half a million foster children face each year , Enrique Montiel shared his story . As a foster care alumnus , he now works as a social worker within the system that took him , and his five siblings , from his parents when he was only 9 . Montiel advocates for teens who share the experiences he endured and the problems that persist in America 's foster homes . His story provides hope for those who continue to deal with the rampant race issues , homophobia that results in the abuse of LGBT foster children and the denial of adoptive opportunities for LGBT potential parents , problems in education stemming from emotional stress and frequent relocation , and health hazards that result from neglect and abuse that plague the foster care system . The stereotypical birthmother is often thought of as young , single , poor , promiscuous , uneducated , highly emotional , weak , and even desperate . However , just as with all stereotypes , not every birthmother fits this description . When I was sixteen , I lost my virginity and got pregnant all in the same night . Yes , you read that correctly - you can get pregnant the first time ! Although I was young and single , I was not uneducated . I was a sophomore in high school taking all AP and honors classes and I didn 't let being pregnant keep me from my studies , even though at the end of pregnancy it was a bit difficult to fit in those tiny high school desks . As an individual I was pretty poor . At the time I only made minimum wage working at Tom Thumb Video . However , I am from a middle - class family and my parents have always been able to provide my brother and me with everything we have ever needed . I would not have described myself as weak or desperate ; scared , yes . Instead I viewed myself as strong and selfless . I prayed over my decision for months , but knew that adoption was the best choice for Kaylee . Although there will always be a feeling of loss , as I miss Kaylee very much , I have never regretted placing her with Cindy and Joey . The adoption agency I went through counseled me on numerous occasions and provided me with a comfortable and trusting environment in order to work through my options and come to the best decision . I never felt pressured by any of the staff , my family , or my friends to choose adoption . Instead I felt loved , cherished , and blessed to have such a wonderful support group , and I fully believed that the choice was mine to make . Cindy and Joey are two of the most amazing people I know . I could not have picked a better family to place Kaylee with , as they love and cherish her just as much as I do . We have always been on the same page about wanting Kaylee to know about me , but also wanting to let her decide when , and if , she wants to be a part of my life . Cindy and I have even talked recently about how we long for that day to come and that we know it will be a joyous day filled with tears and an overflowing amount of love . Although I have always been fearful that Kaylee may not want to meet me , I do know that she will absolutely know that I love her and have always loved her since the moment I found out I was pregnant . My adoption experience is a fairy tale story . I know I was blessed every step of the way , and I will be grateful and humbled by that for the rest of my life . However , I also understand that there are horror stories out there of psychotic birthmothers coming back for their children , or adoptive parents abusing the child , or of people kidnapping children in order to place them for adoption and earn a quick buck . But , I tell my story so that others know there is hope and there are fairy tale stories that exist . I also tell my story to the sixteen year - old girl , or any other age for that matter , that finds herself pregnant and scared . To you , I urge you to seek counseling from a number of different sources and I urge you to contemplate all of your options . Do not make a quick and hasty decision , because I promise that no matter what you decide it will be a decision that you will have to live with for the rest of your life . It is not one that can be swept under the rug and never thought about again . For the attorneys or counselors out there , I ask that you please take the time to get to know your clients and that you do not judge them , but instead that you help them in making the best decision for all of the parties involved under the specific circumstances . This will most likely be the most difficult decision that the birthmother ever has to make in her life , and she needs all of the love and support she can get . Not all adoption stories end up being a fairy tale like mine , but everyone involved should at least strive to make it a happy ending . My best friend is adopted . We have been friends since we were 12 ( I am 25 now ) and she was the maid of honor at my wedding . I talk to her almost every day sometimes multiple times a day and I feel like I know everything about her . Yet I realized that I do not know anything about her feelings about being adopted . I decided to ask her a few questions about her thoughts on adoption and her experience being adopted . When I called her I found myself feeling a bit awkward and nervous about asking the questions . This is one of the people to whom I feel closest and who has been by my side since childhood and yet there is this huge portion of her life that I am totally unfamiliar with . I 'm not sure if she never talked about it because she was uncomfortable with the subject or just didn 't really care about it enough to bring it up . All I knew before our conversation was that she was adopted and her birth mother was very young . I told her that I had to write a blog post about adoption for class and asked her if she was comfortable answering a few questions about her experience and she agreed . My overall impression from the conversation was that she feels lucky to have been adopted by a loving well - to - do family and she chooses not question it . She sees her adoptive parents as her only parents and does not feel the need to seek out information about her birth family . I asked her if she were ever curious about who her birth mother and father were and she replied by saying that if someone presented her with the information it would pique her curiosity but she would not seek it out . I also asked her if she ever asked her adoptive mother about her birth mother and she said she did once but she would never want to press the topic for fear of hurting her mother 's feelings . Eventually she cut our conversation short and said she had some things to do . I took this as a sign than she didn 't want to delve much deeper into the topic . I decided not to try to continue the conversation another time . Although my friend was born somewPosted by When I found out I was single and pregnant , like others , I was faced with an important decision : Do I keep the child or adopt the child out ? I knew from the day I discovered that I was pregnant that there was no way I could not know my child . That child was a part of me and always would be . So my choice was between raising the child myself and finding a way to have an open adoption . Of course , this was before I took Adoption Law and found out that most open adoptions are not enforceable in a court of law . When my parents discovered that I was pregnant they came to me and told me that they would support any decision that I made , even if they did not agree with it . I told them that the only decisions I would consider were an open adoption or keeping the child and raising the child on my own . Over the next couple of days my parents talked and then re - approached me . They told me that if I chose adoption , they wanted to adopt the child so that I could still be " mom . " I realize that not many people are as blessed as I am to have such wonderful parents who would do this for them and stand by them regardless of their decisions in life . This , however , made my decision all the more difficult . There was a child growing inside of me and that was a part of me . I knew that if my parents had adopted my child , he / she would be well taken care of and grow up in a very loving home . I knew that my parents were better able to provide for my child than I was at the time . As time went on , and I began to experience the pregnancy and the flutters and movements of the child , I fell completely in love with my child , even before birth . I knew I would never be able to give my child up at that point . I had to try and was lucky enough to have parents that would help me and support me through the experience . I realize that not everyone has as supportive of a family as I have . However , I believe that even if my family were not supportive I would have made the same decision : to keep my child . I have nothing against adoption . In fact , adoption is very cherished within my family . I have several family members and friends who have been adopted . Yes , having the parents that I have did make the decision easier , but there is no way that I ever would have been able to give my child up . The outrage surrounding Torry Hansen 's decision to send her adopted son back to Russia has focused the discussion on Reactive Attachment Disorder ( " RAD " ) in institutionalized overseas orphanages . Popular media churns out stories of ' international adoptions gone wrong ' due to attachment and behavioral disorders resulting from the overcrowding and limited resources associated with orphanages , especially in Eastern Europe and Russia . Yet , this disorder is not exclusive to children left to languish in orphanages . Statistics indicate that 800 , 000 children with severe attachment disorder come to the attention of the child welfare system every year due to abuse and neglect . This number does not include children with attachment disorder adopted from other countries . These stories fail to delve into why this is happening or what can be done about it , and instead focus on who failed these children who have now ' gone wrong . ' What happens after the news story ends - what becomes of these children ? Dr . Bruce Perry , M . D . , Ph . D . , made a career of studying the effects of trauma on child brain development and had become a prominent figure in the RAD community . In The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog , Dr . Perry explains the signs and causes of RAD in a way that evokes a sympathetic understanding of the biology behind these children . The following are a few excerpts taken from different areas of the book : " … marked by a lack of empathy and an inability to connect with others , often accompanied by manipulative and antisocial behavior . RAD can occur when infants don 't receive enough rocking , cuddling and other nurturing physical and emotional attention . The regions of their brains that help them form relationships and decode social cues do not develop properly , and they grow up with faulty relational neurobiology , including an inability to derive pleasure from healthy human interactions . " " … many RAD children can be inappropriately affectionate with strangers : they seem to see people as interchangeable because they were not given the chance to make a primary lasting connection with a parent or parent - substitute from birth . These indiscriminately affectionate behaviors are not really an attempt to connect with others , however , but rather they are more accurately understood as ' submission ' behaviors , which send signals to the dominant and powerful adults that you will be obedient , submissive , and not a threat . " " If the child has RAD , the lack of connection goes both ways . There is a reciprocal neurobiology to human relationships - our " mirror neurons " create this . As a result , these children are difficult to work with because their lack of interest in other people and their inability to empathize makes them hard to like . Interacting with them feels empty , not engaging . " " The brain needs patterned , repetitive stimuli to develop properly . Spastic , unpredictable relief from fear , loneliness , discomfort , and hunger keeps a baby 's stress system on high alert . Receiving no consistent , loving response to his fears and needs , Leon never developed the normal associate between human contact and relief from stress . What he learned was the only person he could rely on was himself . " While it is important not to underestimate the challenges that arise from raising a child with RAD , they are not insurmountable . Parents of children with the disorder should arm themselves with effective techniques that chip away at the child 's emotional issues , while simultaneously recognizing that they as parents have individual issues that need to be addressed . Often , the focus is on the child 's inability to attach , while ignoring that some adoptive parents can have attachment issues of their own . First and foremost , it is imperative that a medical professional evaluate the child 's basic physical and emotional needs . This allows both the medical professional and the parents of the child to know the full extent of the child 's issues . From there , treatment should be tailored to the child 's individual needs . Treatment usually involves therapy for the parent and the child , therapy for the entire family , and education classes for the parents about the condition . Treatment can also include medication for various conditions that tend to accompany RAD , like depression and anxiety . It is also important that the parents of the child not use techniques that have been proven to be ineffective and particularly dangerous for children with RAD , including holding the child tightly in an effort to increase bonding , forcing the child to eat or drink , withholding basic necessities such as food as punishment , or triggering anger in children in destructive ways . The most important thing to take away is that proper medical and therapeutic intervention is necessary for treatment of RAD , and that patience and a willinPosted by OK , the last letter looking for advice on whether to tell a child she was adopted involved an almost - 15 - year - old . This one is a 17 - year - old . Argh ! ! ! ! ! ! Q . My husband and I have a wonderful 17 - year - old girl whom we adopted . We have never told her she was adopted , and my husband feels we need to . But I don 't want to . Should we tell her now or wait until she is older ? A psychologist tackles this answer , and gives pretty standard advice , though she avoids directly telling these adoptive parents that they have royally screwed up . She also encourages talking about the adoption as a " positive event , " as a " loving and positive act . " I don 't disagree , but you also need to create space for your child NOT to feel positive about her adoption . I think one of the hardest things for adopted kids is that everyone around them , including their parents , are telling them what a wonderful thing adoption is , and they might not feel that way . Letting them know that they are free to feel however they want to about their adoption , and that they can have quite mixed feelings , too , is really important , I think . At least that is what I told a classmate of mine in high school , upon learning that he was adopted . He looked at me and asked , " How can you be ' sort of ' adopted ? " I explained that my biological father had signed away his legal rights to me , and that my step - father had adopted me . What I did not know then was that this type of adoption actually has a name : Step - Parent Adoption or Second Parent Adoption . What I also did not know then was that second parent adoption or adoption by a relative , is actually more common than what the average person considers when they think of adoption - birth parents give up their child to be adopted by strangers . After I was adopted , the times I actually thought about what that meant were few . But , then , my experience as an adoptee probably has not been " the norm , " if there even is such a thing . Fast forward 12 years later , and I am in law school and have now nearly finished a class entirely on Adoption Law . The class has caused me to face all the various aspects of adoption , and in being an adoptee , that I had never dealt with before . I think it has been good for me , but I still find myself wrestling with some of the same issues I have had since I was adopted . For example , the one I exemplified in my comment to my high school friend - the feeling that I am only ' sort of ' adopted . Even in high school , I felt that I needed to qualify my status as an adoptee , that my feelings as an adoptee would somehow be discounted or minimalized in the eyes of others because I still have connections to my birth parents . But I do still go through many of the same feelings and thought processes as those who are ' actually adopted . ' When I was twelve years old , I remember standing in a court room , with other people present , and looking up at someone sitting in a raised area . I do not remember what questions exactly were asked , I just remember the judge , kindly , telling me that I could not just nod my head , as the nice person in the corner had to type what I say , and that person could Posted by We had a super - busy weekend , with 3 performances of Willie Wonka , Zoe 's 4th grade play ; rehearsals for the up - coming ballet recital ; Easter egg hunt at Chinese school ; school projects for both girls . Zoe 's project involved creating and video - taping a " Scary Vampire Verb Story " with 4 other kids . Maya 's was making a " trash monster " out of recylable materials . You 'll be glad that I forgot my camera for MOST of these endeavors . . . but managed to snap a few cute kid photos this weekend ! We are taught as kids that certain things are rude to ask : a woman 's age or weight , how much money one makes , etc . Too bad we aren 't taught what to expect or how to act when meeting your bio family . I am a very curious person and I would love to learn more about my ancestry , but I don 't necessarily want a relationship with my bio family . I won 't know if they are someone I would want continued contact with until I meet them , but what happens if I meet them and they want a continued relationship and then I don 't . Is it selfish of me to have reached out ? I met my bio mom and half siblings 9 years ago . When I asked about my dad it was clear she didnt want to talk aout him . After meeting my bio family , I had never been more grateful for being adopted . It was very clear that I would not be the person I am today if my bio mom tried to raise me . I will always be glad that she chose to give me a better life than she could have provided for me . Shortly after I met my bio family , they moved and i changed my email adress ( not on purpose ) and we didnt keep in touch . After almost an entire semester of Adoption law , I looked once again on facebook for any of them . Just last night I messaged my biological half sister after she confirmed my friend request on facebook . At first I was relieved that i found her . She was very excited that I reached out . We have tentative plans to meet in person at the end of May when she will be in town for her sons graduation . However , after a couple of exchanges , I find myself very anxious . I have all these questions but can 't just ask them because I don 't know if it is polite to just come out and ask her things like who was my father . I referred to my bio mom by her name instead of mom , is that weird ? Would my half - sister prefer me to refer to her as mom ? I know there is not a right or wrong answer to these questions , and that it is really up to what I am comfortable with . However , I am a very empathetic person and now I find myself with more questions and anxiety after only one night of exchanginPosted by What we are studying in adoption law strikes close to home for me . My husband and I are currently in the process of adopting a child through the state of Texas . After having been immersed in the state adoption system for over a year , I have come to believe that the system is greatly flawed and unfortunately , I believe that it is the many children who are waiting on adoptive families who suffer . I will share a bit of our experience to illustrate this point . We began our adoption journey in February 2010 . We attended about six classes on Saturdays through the state that were facilitated by a CPS worker . We completed our classes at the beginning of March . These classes do not distinguish between people who want to only foster children , people who want to foster to adopt children or people who only want to adopt a child . There seems to be significant difference between the guidelines for these three areas to justify providing special classes targeting each of these groups , so I 'm not sure why all three groups are trained together . From the beginning , my husband and I have said that we only want to adopt a child . We have made it clear that we are not interested in becoming foster parents . Shortly after we finished our classes , we were contacted by the worker who has been assigned to work with us . First , he kept talking about foster care even after I reminded him that we were not interested in foster care . Next , he said that he thought he might have a child for us . He said that actually it was a sibling group of three children . At this point , he had not met us , seen our home , nor had we had a home study . I told him that we had not had a home study yet and also , we were not interested in more than two children . He finally scheduled a time to come meet with us on the weekend to see our home and make sure that we had completed all of the necessary safety procedures . When he came to our house and we showed him the bedroom where we planned to place the child that we would adopt , the worker immediately told us that we could easily fit three children in the room . We again reminded him that we were not interested in three children , but if we were , they would each have their own room . In June , we were scheduled for a home study which was completed by an outside private adoption agency . After the home study was completed , we were approved by CPS to adopt at the end of July . Unfortunately , we were given little guidance about how the process worked after becoming approved to adopt a child . It seems that the worker assigned to us has little experience with people who are interested in adoption only . He said we should go onto the state website to look at available children and let him know if we were interested in any of these children . We were told that after we said we were interested in a child , we would receive the child 's file to look at and determine if we wanted to continue exploring the possibility of adopting the child . So , we submitted interest forms on two children . We didn 't hear anything for about two months . Finally , we learned that actually , when you put an interest form in on a child , you don 't automatically get to see the file . It appears that periodically , the child 's worker and supervisor will review all of the files of families who have submitted interest forms on the child and choose one family to move forward with placement for . Our worker also was unclear on what the steps would be after we reviewed the file of a child we were interested in adopting . In November , we attended an adoption match party , which involved prospective adoptive parents coming together to engage with children who are available for adoption in a casual and fun setting for the children . The children were not to have been told exactly why they were there , but it still felt bit like they were being put on display . Although this was a rather strange event , it was nice to be able to engage with children without worrying about the child becoming disappointed if you chose not to explore adoption of the child . At this event , we were able to meet a boy hat we had submitted an interest form on as well as a girl that we enjoyed visiting with . We let the staff know that we were still interested in the child that we had previously submitted the interest form on as well as the other child we had met . In January , we finally received the file for the boy that we had been interested in and then a couple of weeks later , we received the file for the girl . We decided that the girl would be a better fit for our family . We were able to meet her again in the middle of February . The first weekend , she visited with us during the day . Then she spent three weekends with us and moved in with us in the middle of March . It seems like the beginning of the adoption process was extremely slow moving , but then when we met a child that was a good fit for our family , things moved very quickly . I believe things moved somewhat more quickly in our case because our child was not in a healthy foster home and her worker wanted to get her out of that situation as quickly as possible . Again , when we were moving so quickly with the process , we sought guidance from our worker , but he was very unclear on what the steps would be and frequently seemed confused about what was going on . Luckily , the child 's worker was more knowledgeable about the process and has been able to provide us with more information . We have been frustrated with the way the system works and how little support we have received from our worker relating to the transition process and the legal process of adopting . I can imagine that several prospective parents may give up on the process and get frustrated with the process before finding a child to adopt . I do not know for sure , but I would imagine that the process goes more smoothly when you go through a private adoption agency , because you are paying the agency to guide you in the process and coordinate things for you . Due to my work experience with abused children , we were determined to adopt an older child through the state , but I 'm sure that a lot of prospective adoptive families who would make excellent families for these children might not have this strong desire and give up before completing an adoption . Since there are so many older children who are in need of good homes , it is unfortunate that they don 't have stronger advocates to help them find these homes .
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May 27th , 2007 4 : 29 pm Oh my God , this is so horrific and tragically sad to say the very least ! ! Only two days left , then POOF , nada , nothing , zilch , it 's all over for the family to ever see " Justice for Natalee " , in this lifetime anyway I have absolutely no faith , whatsoever , in the Dutch and Aruban legal systems ! ! Justice is justice , no matter what , no matter how much the two legal systems may differ ! ! Joran ( little pee pee ) , the Alpoe ( arf , arf ) brothers , Paulus and the others who were involved are going to get away with spiking Natalee 's drink , kidnapping her , gang rape , murder , etc . , SCOT FREE , regardless God will get His revenge for all they have down … May 27th , 2007 5 : 50 pm Wait that was Greta 's show sorry . It came on at 2 am and was a rerun and i 'm like WTH ? There is a mountain of new facts that have come out since that shown first ran and Gretamule addressed NONE of it . She should 've been booted off Fox a long time ago but now i despise that woman and want her OUT ! May 27th , 2007 5 : 56 pm Oh check this out …… thousands of people in Caracas ( sp ? ) are out in the streets outraged that Chavez is taking their Tv stations OFF the air ! Hugo stated the station hurts Venezuela . I was afraid for the reporter standing there but he said the people are PRO American no matter what Hugo says ! GRETA … . AFTER SAYING AND I QUOTE " i OWN THIS STORY " . FEATURING NATALEE ' S STORY NIGHTLY FOR OVER A YEAR WITH MILLION ' S OF AMERICAN ' S WATCHING & EMAILING HER SHOWING SUPPORT FOR NATALEE & HER PARENTS . THIS IS THE SECOND YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF NATALEE BEING STOLEN AWAY AND ALL GRETA CAN DO IS * CALL IN * TO HER SHOW FOR 2 1 / 2 MINUTE ' S ? ? ? Joran is a pasty for dear ole dad . They show Joran and Natale coming and leaving the casino but not Paulus , why not ? We think he is at the table indicating that Joran is his son as Natalee points toward Joran . Explains why she feels comfortable enough too leave with young Frankenstein from CC ! The drugs helped as well ! 1 . We talk about how because Paulus put in a new patio and got new furniture , it had to have been to hide evidence of Natalee . While that could certainly be true , there is another possibility to consider … . people get new things when they end up with money to get them with … like when the Kalpoe stepdad got the internet cafe . Maybe the VDS 's got a new patio and some furniture , ( and who knows what else ) not to hide anything , but just because they ' ran into some extra cash ' . 2 . Government employees ( of Aruba ) were let off a half day to help search for Natalee . Why ? They tried to pretend it was all this goodwill crap , but I 'm not buying it . Did they want the employees or some employees out of the office for some reason ? 3 . We keep saying that was Paulus at the blackjack table . And it may have been him . But if it were don 't you think Nat 's friends who were there at the table would have said so by now ? I 'm thinking it was not Paulus afterall . 4 . You know Natalee would have mentioned to her friends what the old geezer was saying to her . Why has this not been found out and said to exclude that man and what he was saying from suspicion ? 5 . Does anyone find it odd that Nat and her friends just so happen to find an empty table they and Joran and that old geezer could be at with no other random persons playing there ? Did that table just happen to open up when the dealer came to work ? And what time was that ? And did nat and her friends have the inside track ? And who was the dealer ? Well , we know who the dealer was since Guido 's lawyer said it was not Guido 's job to watch who came in etc , but to deal the cards . Guess it was Guido … who left the island shortly after along with Mike Posner . 5 . Nat 's friends said she asked _ at CC 's - a couple of them if they wanted to go with her as she 'd met some guys . She asked 2 of them , and that is so convenient being as how we have J2K … . so no , they didn 't and only Joran ends up with a date . Deepak says he 's bored ( probably of not having a date ) and wants to go o9 . Was Joran held in jail to protect him ? Anita said she thought he 'd be safe in there . Why did she say that ? Just thinking because I can 't help but feel so bad and sick for Beth and Dave and all who loved that precious child . If she would happen to be still alive I would hope someone would just dump her off somewhere and deny any allegations she might make after she were found . It seems like such an easy thing to do … deny that is . So why not ? May 27th , 2007 7 : 28 pm # l4 - 5 . jvds had been telling all the mb kids he was a vacationing student staying at the h . i . , just like them . why would natalee think he could show her his house ? imo , this is just another of the never - ending list of lies he 's told . this one expressly intended to blame natalee for what happened to her , and to supposedly provide proof that he had no ulterior motives for getting her into the car . SM : This blog is not a democracy , it is a private blog that is open to comments . The comments are moderated . If you don 't like it and wish to support the Sloots and the Kalpoes I suggest you post elsewhere . ( klaasend ) May 27th , 2007 8 : 11 pm Wow the oldest privately owned Tv station and Chavez wants to take it away ! Any specific reasons he thinks its bad for the country simeon ? Whats it like there now ? I 'm still wondering … Paulus van der Sloot made a trip of a few days to Miami a few months after Natalee vanished . This has been mostly forgotten , but one wonders what the purpose was . I 'm told that it was made when Joran was in jail ( I 'll have to research this more thoroughly ) . But if it concerned Joran 's athletic scholarship , or something like that , it could have been dealt with more easily by letter , phone , or email . I mean , would you want to go somewhere and tell people face to face that your son was in jail ? And for a suspected crime against a citizen of the U . S . … the very country he was going to study in ? May 27th , 2007 8 : 25 pm Disgusted Mom ( # 14 ) … If it had been decided that Natalee would be taken abroad , don 't you think that a crack house , or a seedy motel , would be the place to stash her ? It certainly would be known terrain to drug dealers … and my suspicion is that people on " crack " would hardly give a damn about her . May 27th , 2007 9 : 09 pm Re : # 4 . Susan , the statute of limitations on murder under Dutch / Aruban law is AT LEAST 20 years and and perhaps unlimited , depending on how their courts interpret whether a recent change in the law applies to crimes already committed but not yet prosecuted . If it is determined 15 years from now that someone killed Natalee , the case can still be prosecuted if there is sufficient evidence . There 's no need to give up yet . May 27th , 2007 9 : 27 pm Mayan , I agree with you . . they both make me sick . The translation of the next chapter of the book . . makes me sick reading it . So far , he has contradicted everyone sooo he 's the only one telling the truth . . Throws Satish under the bus by saying Satish was going back to the beach to get his shoes after he took Joran home . Why would Satish run the beach to get Joran 's shoes and drive him all over town with a girl and take him to the beach , then go home and go to bed and get up and run him around some more ? ? He says when he left the casino he called Jaimie and Jaimie said he couldn 't go out that night , but Jaimie 's police statement says Joran called him between 4 and 6 to ask him to go to CnC to meet some MB Brook girls but he had to work the next day , hours before Joran says he even decided to go . He has police files reading them to try to write his book around them . . Natalee wanted to see sharks when she left CnC yet he says on Greta 's show when they got to his house all at once Natalee wanted to go see sharks . More and More lies … disgusting ' scuse my language … POS . . Has Jurine been back to Aruba since the book came out ? I am curious if he has / how has he been received . Same thing with Paulus & Anita … . everyone still hugging up with em ? May 27th , 2007 10 : 49 pm 17 . SM : This blog is not a democracy , it is a private blog that is open to comments . The comments are moderated . If you don 't like it and wish to support the Sloots and the Kalpoes I suggest you post elsewhere . ( klaasend ) May 28th , 2007 12 : 05 am # 20 a crack house might be a good place to find people to sell abroad , but think about this … . Joran told a lot of lies we know , but one story he told had him being dropped off at his house and 2K driving off with a sick , passing out Natalee . Now jump to one of Deepak 's stories where he said when Natalee passed out he told Joran to ask her where she was staying and Joran tried to wake her up and ask her several times . That 's gotta be a lie because Joran knew where she was staying already . According to Deepak 's story Joran eventually got out of her that she was staying at the HI . So let 's twist this up a bit and say 2K dropped Joran off at his house and left with a sick passing out Natalee , only Deepak forgot to ask Joran where she was staying . Deepak tries to ask her several times but gets no answer so he dumps her at a crack house . I don 't know where I 'm going with this . It 's late ! Various compromises were hammered out over the years , with the goal of preserving a kind of balance of power . None of them proved to work . Kansas was one area where fighting between pro - slavery and anti - slavery factions ran high . One abolitionist , seeking to eliminate slavery at whatever cost , was named John Brown . He led some supporters in a raid on a federal arsenal , hoping to get weapons and distribute them to the slaves . Eventually the federal army surrounded that arsenal and captured his forces . I can hardly imagine that such a song could be written today . That 's our loss . But let 's keep this on hand ; the same spirit that moved John Brown and his supporters to fight for what they thought to be right will , I hope , continue to motivate us all in seeking justice for Natalee . May 28th , 2007 8 : 51 am um , venezuela will be a better place the longer chavez stays in power . who was the dirtbag in the car with steve croes , and seemingly putting words in steves mouth , and looking pissed that he was on tv with gretta . steve seen them drop her off , but not at the holiday inn . that guy with steve looks like a mexican , Ramirez maybe ? If she is still alive she is no doubt compromised in mind and spirit . so why the blood at the rocks and the lighthouse stories ? Still sounds like it all points to papa sloot , and trafficing humans . screw it , hopefully chavez will take the island and kill all the foreigners there . May 28th , 2007 9 : 27 am # 17 HOW IRONIC ! You state this blog is not a democracy , yet many posters have staunchly stated and defended their respective Freedom of Speech ( First Amendment to the US Constitution ) rights relative to comments made about J2K 's guilt . As further eviendence , this very thread ( posts 10 and 18 ) has delivered criticism to Chavez and rightly so over his censorship of certain television statements that are critical to his administration . Earlier , comments were made on another thread that critized an Aruban government official for calling for a boycott of Dario . FOX NEWS - Monday , May 28 , 2007 CARACAS , Venezuela - As the clock struck 11 : 58 p . m . , all of Caracas , Venezuela , seemed to hold its breath . Moments later , the country 's most popular television station , Radio Caracas Television ( RCTV ) went to black … for good . It wasn 't that RCTV , after 53 years , had lost its popularity ; nor was it that an economic downturn had dictated the station 's fate . It was that Hugo Chavez , president of Venezuela , decided that RCTV - one of four privately owned television stations in the country and the only one do maintain its opposition to Chavez - was a threat to his government . __________________________ ARUBA Amigoe - April 4 , 2007 ORANJESTAD - In an open letter , staff and management of the morning paper Diario have asked the Queen 's attention for the commercial boycott called by the MEP and her leader , Prime Minister Nelson Oduber . MEP demanded the owner and also director and chief editor Jossy Mansur to publicly apologize to MEP and premier Oduber for all the articles he has published with the intention to damage the reputation of the government and MEP . Mansur has till last Monday to do this , otherwise , the MEP will announce a boycott against Diario . Since Mansur ignored MEP 's ultimatum , the party decided on a total boycott of the newspaper . No information must be given to Diario . MEP - member had to cancel their subscription as per immediate . . They are also not allowed to buy the paper separately . They cannot place ads in the Diario . That 's the reason for Diario 's letter to the Queen . He expressed his concern in this letter and asks the Queen to ' safeguard our constitutional rights ' . I wonder if investigators consider him a person of interest ? Let 's say for a minute that he 's not PVDS , and let 's say that because if it were then surely P would have been questioned about having spoken with Natalee that night and since - according to him - he had nothing to do with Nat being missing , he should not mind at all disclosing that he was there talking to her and at least have something to say about her mood ( that might help ) and that he did not in fact go home like Joran said he did . I mean , he could even pass off some misinformation ! But he has remained silent about this except by Joran 's remark that his dad went home before the blackjack game . Actually , everyone has remained silent about this very important aspect . All act like it 's no big deal that Natalee was talking to this older man which kindof leaves us thinking it was P and ALE just doesn 't want to drag him into this . And we have all become conditioned to believing Aruba takes up for their own so it 's not hard to imagine them ignoring that P was sitting there . But seriously , was it P ? And do the investigators know it wasn 't him ? Could that be why they don 't make a big deal of it ? Because they know it wasn 't P and just want us to go on assuming it was ? Now why would they do that ? Could it be because they know the man may have been involved in trafficking natalee away and they don 't want to address that Aruba might have that sort of problem ? Also , if it were P at the table , Nat 's friends would surely know it by now and be able to say what it was they were talking about even if that might exhonerate P . Yet , nothing is said . And if it were Paulus and the girls identified him as such , then surely he would have been questioned and perhaps reported back that he had said it was not him . But , again , all seem indifferent to saying whether it was or was not P . Joran says ( according to translations ) that the man at the table was about 45 and he had seen him at the HI casino a couple days before . All I have to say ( faceciously ) about tkayjay on Surely Madison would have been able to identify this man . . what has surprised me is the lack of information ( unless I missed it ) from the MountainBrook friends of Natalee . MADISON , IF YOU READ THIS BLOG , WHO WAS THIS MAN ? ? ? For what its worth I think it is PVDS and I think JVDS has all along been protecting his father who in my opinion got rid of Natalee 's body . One of the reasons why it makes me think it 's Paulus ( besides the hairline and watch ) is because no one will out right deny that it is not Paulus . There are many more hours of footage of that blackjack table than what we 've seen . They have footage of the man walking up to that table and they could easily reveal that to dispel this thought that it 's Paulus right away . Don 't know how observant Natalee 's friends are , but it 's quite possible that they don 't remember too much about the man . It 's also possible they know and have been told not to reveal what they know . I surely never saw them having been asked this question . I 'm sure that the MBHS student staements have not all been made public . I can understand . However as an outsider trying to arrive at a solution , with only half the facts from one side and lies from the other and riddles from a third source … . well mission impossible is what us posters remain with . kayjay - The topic of the Mountainbrook kids remaining silent has came up time and time again over the last two years . The kids may have been instructed by the FBI not to talk to anyone . Gag order comes to mind … May 28th , 2007 2 : 03 pm # 46 I agree the hairline is similar to P 's , but that balding pattern is not unique . It 's a standard balding pattern , but if you look at the hair quality , I don 't think it matches P 's hair . I also agree that the nose appears to be different . I also think the man appears more fragile than P . And I agree with you … they have footage of this man walking up to the table and could dispell any rumors of it being P if it 's not . Why won 't they go ahead and do it ? Or if it is P , then why not say that and say it means nothing ? Now , if this man is not P and they don 't know who he is , then why not show his face straight on and ask if anyone has any information about him as a person of interest or something ? He was talking with Natalee . At the very least , even if he is not involved , he might have some useful information . You never know . I mean , shouldn 't they want to talk with anyone they are aware had contact with Nat that night ? They have shown such interest in the past . There was the man who sat next to Nat on the plane who did not catch his return flight . They talked with him as a person of interest . I 'm with you though 1006 … partial information + lies only lets us try to figure out possibilities - of which we could be right - on and never know . Depending on what really happened to Natalee and who was involved , maybe we should all be watching our backs while speculating . May 28th , 2007 2 : 44 pm The Dutch in Aruba sent by the Hague is not going to find anything . Wish they would make me eat those words but doubt it . Aruba is damned . May 28th , 2007 3 : 17 pm If if is Paulus Van der Sloot in the casino video recording who is seated at the black table conversing with Natalee Holloway , the implication is huge … . considering both Joran and Paulus claim in their official suspect statements that Paulus left the casino for home part way through the poker game … . prior to Joran going to the black jack table where Joran encountered Natalee . Joran Van der Sloot When it was half time of the game my father wanted to go home to go and babysit my ten year old brother . At my father 's request I sat in for him and played " Texas Hold 'm poker . I am not sure as to when half time was but I think it was between 19 . 00 and 20 . 00 hours . I kept on gambling until I lost too . This was according to me until 21 . 30 to 22 . 00 hours . I went to walk around in the casino and after that went to the " Blackjack " table to play blackjack . While I was sitting at the table the girl " Natalee " that is missing now to the blackjack table together with her friends . Paulus Van der Sloot On May 29th 2005 , at approximately 16 . 00 hours , I went with Joran to the " Free Carribean Stud Tournament " in the Holiday Inn . During the break , at approximately 18 . 30 hours , I went back home . My youngest son Sebastian who was playing at a friends house was due to be dropped off at home around that time . Joran , with my permission , took over my seat because he had been eliminated earlier . May 28th , 2007 3 : 31 pm I don 't know if it were PvdS or not . I believe that PvdS was known at the casino , so one would think that if it were he , the news would have gotten to Natalee 's family . After all , the prospect of providing information that might lead to a huge reward should appeal to some people there . But as Disgusted Mom says ( # 44 ) … Joran says he 'd seen him around the casino a few times . The same argument that holds true for the MB kids should hold true for Joran , right ? Why would Joran take notice of him in particular , one way or another ? May 28th , 2007 3 : 35 pm I do believe that the Mountain Brook students who were at the Black Jack table with Natalee and Joran on the evening of May 29 , 2005 have identified Paulus as the person conversing with Natalee . This would explain how Beth Twitty knew that Natalee had met Paulus Van der Sloot six month prior to the casino revelation ? I wonder who the " people " are who Jossy Mansur refers to in his interview with Dana ? Beth Twitty After swimming at the hotel on Sunday , WHATLEY and other classmates , including HOLLOWAY , ate dinner at a restaurant next to the hotel . After dinner they went to the casino at the hotel . A few classmates were gambling at a card table along with an " older man " and YURON VAN DER SLOOT . ( Whatley 302 ) DANA : When you look at this case , a question keeps coming up . I am looking at the picture on my PC . It is the alleged picture of a person in the casino with Natalee that looks a lot like Paul . Has there been any update on this issue ? CARACAS , Venezuela - National Guard troops fired tear gas and rubber bullets Monday into a crowd of protesters angry over a decision by President Hugo Chavez that forced a critical television station off the air . University students blocked one lane of a major highway hours after Radio Caracas Television ceased broadcasting at midnight and was replaced with a new state - funded channel . Chavez had refused to renew RCTV 's broadcast license , accusing it of " subversive " activities and of backing a 2002 coup against him . Founded in 1953 , RCTV regularly topped viewer ratings with its talk shows , sports , soap operas and comedy programs . But Chavez accused the network of helping to incite a failed coup in 2002 , violating broadcast laws and " poisoning " Venezuelans with programming that promoted capitalism . RCTV 's managers deny wrongdoing . " One way or the other , I think we 'll finally get answers , " Holloway said . " And when it will be ? I thought it would be long before now but one of these days we 'll find the answers . " May 28th , 2007 3 : 59 pm Janet , thanks for posting that . Jossy Mansur says " people " have identified the casino person as PvdS … too bad he doesn 't specify who these people are . Maybe there 's a reason ? The FBI wasn 't baffled . They simply threw up their hands in frustration over the Aruban authorities " investigative methods " and lack of cooperation . The Aruban authorities aren 't baffled , because they squashed any real investigation . Paulus ain 't baffled , because he knows exactly where Natalee Holloway is . For a time , her body was in the house . That 's why the search warrant was altered ( at the residence ) to limit the search to Joran 's room only . May 28th , 2007 5 : 21 pm As a relatively new poster I am curious about whether there has been any interest shown by Queen Juliana in Natalee 's case ? The Dutch Royal Family are always touted as being very democratic , ride around on bikes , mingle with the " man - in - the - street " etc . If its so , then I would imagine she would be interested in seeing the case solved . It puts them all in a bad light and I would think the Netherlands would want to clean up those islands , which are obviously havens for a variety of very , very nasty activities , and full of some very evil people . Hate to say this but those kind of islands are often hang outs for losers who have pasts , are diminished in character and can 't make it anywhere else and I put the VDS ' and the von Straatens , Jacobs , and the rest of them into this pot . Another thing , not connected to Natalee , but which I found interesting was that when I was in London last Fall the Litvienko murder occurred and in the papers they reported a suspected money laundering connection to that case in the Dutch Antilles . May 28th , 2007 6 : 41 pm That 's Paul Van Derscum at the black jack table , no doubt in my mind . He baited Natalee right there by telling her he was a judge . That 's why she trusted his sorry son , she thought they were good people . Yeah right , low life no good - wish I could really say what I want to about that evil crowd . We have touched on a nerve with joran & co , and we 've probably come really close to the truth in our debates . Why would the ugly kowpokes so willing take joran where he wanted at all hours of the night ? What did he have that made him superior to them that they would bow down or bend over - which ever comes first to make him so spoiled ? How did joran know he was superior to the kowpokes , and they would do anything to kiss his feet ? I 'm just mad this afternoon at the Dutch , the wicked Aruban government - pitiful excuse for authority 's . Wouldn 't you feel so safe living on that crappy island , o , I meant to say happy island . joran always has that smug , stupid look on his ugly face , he believes he has gotten away with the murder of Natalee Holloway . Will somebody please , make these people pay for what they did to this young woman . May 28th , 2007 6 : 51 pm Why did paulass sweat bullets when he interviewed ? Why did paulass run like a coward to get to his car the night the cameras were on him ? Why did paulass say no corpse no case ? Why wouldn 't paulass let the polis seach his house ? Why ? So many whys , and no answers . Truthful answers . Liars , and killers . May 28th , 2007 9 : 56 pm Kalpoes got stuff on Joran , Joran has stuff on the Kalpoes , One falls they all fall . . Steve Cohen was on Rita Cosby 's show over a year ago . Rita asked him if that was Paulus at the table by Natalee . He said he had been on the road or something and didn 't have time to look at it , but that he would and let her know . . Last time he was ever on tv . . Another paid lying * * ( & ( & Why would they look in a Crack House , , Natalee never achieved what she did by being a crackhead . What a bunch of BS … Joran said he never saw her do drugs , yet he said he thought she would turn up in a crackhouse . That would be similar to me never seeing someone drink alcohol , but when they go missing I say I thought they would turn up in a bar . 1006 , I remember Straten tell a Dutch reporter , on June 5th , I believe . . that he thought Natalee was dead , he had seen the evidence . . Julia Renfro made this statement on Bill O ' Reilly 's show , June 9th . Where 's that good solid evidence against the 2 guards and where did it go ? Also that JVDS and the K2 were WITNESSES lying ones at that . Aruba newspaper editor Julia Renfro joined The Factor with the latest information on the case and the five men in custody . " The police told us that they have solid evidence against two of the men . The other three were considered as witnesses against those two men . " FBI had also talked Natalee 's family at that time and they had begun the grieving process . The minute the 3 and the father were picked up , , all that disappeared . One confessed and was leading them to her body , then they said it was joke . . a misunderstanding . Natalee suddenly become vanished . . I still believe the sole purpose of taking Natalee to another bar was to get her away from her friends and serve her up rum151 and then Joran said she used some of his yard as a chaser . . What was in his yard ? Plenty of time to put something in that . I don 't believe Natalee asked for a chaser either , I believe he told her to drink it for one , after the rum he got her . Takes about15 minutes to a half hour for some of those to take effect . . Plenty of time to get her to the car and take off . I also believe they took her to the house . . There is no corroboration for anything they say happened that night once they left CnC . . They don 't even agree with each other . BINGO ! Since it was Deepak 's car ? But Joran knew Nat 's friends saw him with Natalee . What was Joran thinking when he surmised the cops should have gone to the Kalpoe house first because of the car ? Hmmmm … makes me wonder if Joran had been dropped off at home ( like he once said ) and 2K had gone off with Natalee and they thought perhaps someone had seen that car dump a body out . I recall early on Deepak saying Natalee didn 't want to get out of the car . Did he shove her out ? If so , where ? Was it a crack house ? Or was it somewhere else , and maybe he ran over her with his car by accident and buried her ( if she were dead ) or put her in a shed ( if she were not dead ) ? I take a lot of clues from Joran 's avid supporters and they seen to think Nat was hit by a car ( among other things ) I just find it odd that Joran would surmise they would go after the ' car ' first and not him when so many knew he was whooping it up with natalee at CC 's and went off with her . The logical assumption would be to go after Joran first . So why the car ? May 28th , 2007 11 : 33 pm It 's him . It is slimey ole Paulus sitting with Natalee at the casino , i was certain of that the first time i hit rewind on the ABC clip . He 's hiding behind that bar and that too is No coincidence . This is why i think in Natalee 's case , she wasn 't the victim of trafficer 's . Paulus wouldn 't have been seen on the same street much less the same black jack table as Natalee that night if that had been the plan . Another reason i think this is only hours after sitting & talking with Natalee Paulus is calling Natalee " A BODY " before Beth even arrives on Aruba . May 29th , 2007 12 : 06 am Just so happens that anita is away and paulas is out playing . Did joran arrange for paulas to meet young girls ? Did paulas get his kicks out of watching joran with young girls ? This bunch of criminals are evil . Someone in aruba knows that joran & co . are guilty of the crimes against Natalee . Why did deepak talk to Beth Holloway with no respect of her being the Mother of Natalee ? deepak , knows the van der scums will let him take the rap when it comes down to it . Wait and see deepak will pay for joran 's crimes . May 29th , 2007 12 : 16 am Paul was feeling good and flirting alittle with Natalee , she excited him , didn 't she Paulus ? Who wants to bet on which of the two started the conversation ? Natalee points to Jurine as she still looks in Paul 's direction looking suprised . May 29th , 2007 12 : 45 am paulas likes young girls , but he can 't get one on his own as easily as joran can get young girls for him . anita knows the truth about Natalee , she knows her husband and her sick son murderered Natalee . Maybe anita can spend the rest of her life in prison with them . May 29th , 2007 3 : 47 am The Van der Sloot 's probably sleep at night with one - eye open ! ! ! ! ! Bars on the windows , security cameras , electric fencing , acid detecting device for the pool , pit - bulls on the property , to name afew ! ! ! ! ! I doubt if they get a good nights sleep and it 's not because of their conscience . May 29th , 2007 7 : 00 am Mayan Moons ( # 71 ) … Couldn 't it also be argued the other way … that if Natalee were trafficked , it was because someone DID see her and decided that she would " fit the bill " ? If I remember , the famous PvdS phrase " no body , no crime " or " no body , no case " was said to the three stooges during those ten days or so when the two security guards were under arrest ( with absolutely no justification ) and the three last seen with Natalee were free to roam the island . We know that van der Straaten , chief of police , was insisting on the basis of evidence he had seen that Natalee was dead . ( Curious , isn 't it , that whatever that evidence was hasn 't been made public ? ) Even so , we also know that Aruba , some months after Natalee vanished , was asking neighboring countries to be on the watch for her . It seems that everything and everyone in Aruba goes off in their own direction , so to speak . Contradiction piles upon contradiction upon contradiction … and nobody ever resolves them , or even tries to . Today 's statement is denied tomorrow , with no more explanation than that . Why did PvdS go to Miami ? I want to do some research , but have been told that his trip lasted only a few days and was between June and August . That 's just after Natalee went missing . What did he have to do there , and who did he have to see ? I 've never thought that Natalee was destined for trafficking from early on … which doesn 't mean it 's impossible . But it seems more likely to me that it was an after - the - fact way of disposing of her . Once again , it depends on who would have the motive and who would be so disturbed . A teenage fantasy of total control , run amok ? But I don 't think the idea is absurd . Two years this week , and no sign of Natalee on the island . Surely we can 't rule out that she might have been taken off it … which wouldn 't necessarily mean she is still alive . But it could . We are all waiting on the Dutch , it seems ; it 's as though the case is in a state of suspended animation . What is JQK doing ? What is the status of the Kalpoes ' lawsuit ? Meanwhile … remember , Aruba Tourism Authority will be at a travel show in New Orleans at the end of June . Does anyone who reads here live nearby ? If so , please contact VolunteersforNatalee @ gmail . com . I couple this with the COMPLETELY unprofessional conduct of the Dutch Investigators to be apparently reading the Predator 's book and openly laughing while on break during the search of the Sloot compound . Paulus made these charges . I believe this conduct was intentional … . as well as the timing of Paulus ' statements … in order to create the facade of the Dutch really do want to see Joran go down for these crimes . May 29th , 2007 9 : 39 am Not a word from Beth . Has she given up speaking with the media ? I don 't blame her after all that she has been through . May 29th , 2007 9 : 43 am You know , maybe Paulus did have a thing for young girls and maybe that 's what Joran meant when he said if Anita had been home this would never have happened . I assumed - because Joran said so - Joran meant he wouldn 't have sneaked out if his mother had been home . But reading his ( translated excepts ) book it seems it didn 't matter if Anita was there or not when Joran decided to sneak out . However , I 'm sure had Anita been home PAULUS would not have gone out . Another thing he might have meant by it was perhaps if Anita had been home when a sick and / or injured Natalee was taken to / or dumped at the VDS house , Anita would have seen to it that Natalee went to a hospital . May 29th , 2007 10 : 22 am They are not going to re - arrest Paulus . It is over . This last so called investigation was a joke … just another slap in the face to Natalee , her family and the American people . It was a way for them to close the case . Sad … but justice will never be served … on earth that is . When Aruba does close the case tomorrow … all I can say is … it is on Aruba . You think we have made it difficult so far ? Just wait . I think I speak for pretty much everyone on here … Aruba will be done if they close the case . Arrest Paulus , his buddies and the predators ! You have the evidence … you know you do ! May 29th , 2007 11 : 10 am I do have question for the board . When Stratten left this case . Is it because he retired ? Why did he step down ? May 29th , 2007 2 : 45 pm Joran made a statement to Dompig that we will never find Natalee ; Dompig said we will find her and Joran replied with " Wanna bet " , I wonder what makes him so sure . He also told a reporter that he knows what happened to Natalee and will tell someday . Why not put an end to all this madness , false hopes , lies , always leading us in the wrong direction , no closure for anyone and he continues to thrive on the pain and suffering he causes . What 's it take to implement the IV drop ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! He 's already given us open admission . May 29th , 2007 3 : 06 pm This band of murderers will happen upon tragedy by their own hands . Somebody 's going to snitch . I bet you couldn 't drive a nail up Paulas rear - end . Deepak will take the fall for the murder of Natalee Holloway before this is all over . How does it feel you little nobody to know you will spend the rest of your life in prison for the sins of joran and his low - life father ? Nothing will happen to joran or paulas , but deepak will be convicted . The Dutch have to convict one of these corrupt cowards , and I 'll bet the farm they convict mr . nobody deepak . He will tell all , but the corrupt aruban 's will send deepak to prison to rot all by himself . He 'll die in prison . May 29th , 2007 7 : 47 pm I really meant no disrespect to the Jewish community . I would never do that . Some of the things the writer of this article feels what happened … might have happened . . and what the writer states does make sense . For instance , if Natalee had simply died of an overdose , they would have tossed her in the ocean and played it off like a simple drowning . It would have made page 3 of the paper and been over in two weeks or less . Or , if Deepak or Satish had murdered Natalee , Joran and Paulus would have hung them out to dry … . which leaves Paulus and Joran as the perpetrators . The writer appears to think that this is how it went down after Natalee got in the car with Joran , and the K brothers . They take Natalee back to Joran 's house . Joran raped Natalee and filmed it . Natalee recovers and tries to escape . Joran tries to stop her . Natalee hits Joran ( which would explain his black eye ) . Joran , being the arrogant sob he is , explodes and beats her to death with his fist or with a bat , golf club or something similar … which explains why they can 't give her back and must put her in a place where no one will ever find her . Her skeleton would reflect a blugeon . The writer feels she was cremated … which a lot of us feel is a great possibility . Joran woke his father , the father set things in motion . . starting with going to the ATM . Paulus knew he had to dispose of Natalee 's body and that he needed help . He coached the three boys . Directed the burial and final disposal of Natalee 's body . Her body was dug up and brought to Yolanda Wever 's cremation … with the assistance of Joran 's buddy , Guido Wever . There is a lot more in the article as to the persons who may have assisted in the cover up . Again , I am sorry if I offended anyone . May 29th , 2007 8 : 28 pm # 105 - Richard . It made statements such as " here is the real animal … a dutch Jew " when referring to Paulus etc . I think that is what was prohibited to post . SM : Did you look at the entire site ? It isn 't just that one statement , the whole site is very anti - semintic . There are some interresting theories there in the NH case and some great photos but the site on the whole is pretty bad and that 's why we really don 't want to link to it . ( klaasend ) May 29th , 2007 8 : 42 pm SM , I did read the entire site . . and you are correct … it is anti semintic . I was just giving an example of one of the statements . The reason I posted it was because of the intesting … and very possible theories . Again , I do apologize . May 29th , 2007 10 : 03 pm I didn 't get to read that article , but the summation seems to make a lot of sense to me … . except for the part about Joran having a blackeye being inflicted upon him by Natalee . Isn 't the blackeye a rumor anyhow ? You have to remember when a gang rapes a girl it is usually done while being held facedown to make it easier to keep the victim from kicking etc . Hence , none of the perps HAD to have had any marks on them . What you see on TV with rapists going at it face to face is not always the case and usually when it is , there is bondage involved so still no marks necessarily . When you read about Human Trafficking practices whereby they immediately aggressively rape the victim to scare the living hell out of her , it is done face down . Those who know what they are doing , do it face down is all I 'm saying . And as the general public assumes a rapist should have marks on them , well , you get the picture … . rapists walk free if we are determined to look for marks . In spite of all my speculating about whatifs , I still believe Natalee was a wonderful girl who may have drank / over drank on vacation , but I do not think she had having sex with anyone in mind . I do , however , believe Joran figured her to be ' one of those girls ' simply because he thinks that way about all girls … and I think when he tried it she balked and was then raped in anger … . because Deepak said she ' acted like a slut ' and from what I understand a ' slut ' to Deepak 's and Joran 's kind is a girl who is a ' tease ' … . a girl who puts out is a good girl . I think they roughed her up pretty bad before they ' calmed down ' and then ran off and left her afraid of what they had done . But also , I think Joran was afraid she was not dead and would tell on him so he did what he usually does when he gets in trouble … he got daddy to bail him out . I don 't have a real opinion on how they got Natalee back to the VDS house , but I do think she was taken there to ' talk to her ' and plead Joran 's case or whatever . I also thmayan _ moons on I respect your opinions very much and i 'm not saying they absolutely could not of happened , i just feel they would 've had their act together better if trafficing had been the plan . My thinking is …… why in the world would you call Natalee " a corpse " which would only raise extreme suspicions on you . Paulus wasn 't thinking clearly enough about what he was saying when he called Natalee a corpse to the Kalpuke 's & with 10 days you 'd think it would be stressed to the brothers not to repeat that . May 29th , 2007 11 : 18 pm The thing in my mind about Human Trafficking is that if that were what happened , I don 't think Joran could have known about it . He 's too stupid to be trusted with such information . He would have made a great Tool though to be used without his knowing what was really going on . I just watched a show where this woman was raped and murdered fifty years ago and no one was ever brought to justice for it even though they had so much REAL evidence against this one particular man . But the man was a priest and many of the law enforcement went to his church they just refused to move on things no matter how much evidence they had . This man left his own belongings at the dump site ! And he told several other priests ' in confidence ' that he did it and how he did it etc . And these priests went to the cops because they couldn 't sleep at night . Now years later a new detective on the force was putting together what the priests said this murderer said about teh crime and it 's so obvious he did it . There were so many things only the murderer would know about , the cop said . Yet , still they will not bring this case to trial . So the media went to visit this murderer and he was so hateful and uncaring he wouldn 't even express his sympathy to the woman 's family . He was too concerned with himself . May 30th , 2007 3 : 59 am Lets not discount human trafficing . Everything they have given us remains on the island , yet there is still no Natalee , it 's because she is not there . A fast boat to Venezula could of happened . That doesn 't mean she is there now , they transport very quickly . As Joran said , he hit the jackpot May 30th , 2007 3 : 52 pm It was convenient for anita to be gone from aruba the very week students from the US would be on their graduation trip . Paulass how did you get anita away that particular time of the year ? anita , when you returned from your trip did you notice anything different about your house . I 'm sure it was cleaner that usual , and did you check joran 's little place of pleasure was it also usually spotless ? Surely , anita , you must wonder what paulass does on the island of aruba when you are away or do you know , at least do you know in your heart . You know your husband likes younger women preferably teenagers , blonde , blue eyes , innocent girls . Does your son joran solicit these beautiful girls for his father ? Deepak , little nobody , with no girl friends , does paulass pay you for your taxi services , or you just a servant for joran to drive him around , when and where ever his heart desires ? Deepak the stupid , you 're going to prison for the murder of Natalee Holloway .
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I feel like I need to catch you all up on what has been going on in my life so that is what I am going to do in this post . The end of last week was pretty rough . I won 't go into specifics but let 's just say I made it through . My older sister , Anna , had her half ironman race on Sunday morning . I had two big tests to study for which unfortunately meant I could not attend . She told us we could track her online through a website that was covering the race live . All morning I switched between studying for my tests and reloading the website page on where she was at in her race . She finished her half ironman in a little over 6 hours and did great ! She is already looking forward to completing a full ironman in the next year . After her race my dad drove her to our house and she is staying in town for a little while . I am so excited she is here ! I also have talked her into guest posting a race recap on my blog : ) I love shopping . My next hobby after running is shopping . I saw this dress at Anthropolgie and knew I needed it . From the long sleeves to the buttons on the back I think this is a must have for Fall and Winter ! I plan to transition it with maroon colored tights and brown boots . I wore this dress to church two weekends ago . It is very comfortable and I got so many compliments . Monday I had a 45 minute easy run . I had class all day . I ran with my mom later in the afternoon and I kept around a 9 : 30 minute per mile pace . Last night was also girls night ! My mom , Kathleen , Anna , and I watched The Voice while eating Whole Foods . It was delicious ! Here is what we picked up : Today I had a morning class then came back home to eat a second breakfast before working out . Anna and I went to the gym pool for a swim workout . I did Last week I was crossing off training days when I realized all of my longest runs are over . Five months ago , as I had the idea to start training for my first marathon , the 14 , 16 , 18 , and 20 mile long runs made me nervous . I had not run anything over thirteen point one miles and wasn 't sure if I could run for that long but I decided to take on the challenge anyways . I am excited to have completed every long run ! I was reading an article the other day when the runner was giving training advice and one of his points was not to jump from the 16 miler to the 20 miler . Which is exactly what I did . Whoops ! I give you the five stages of tapering . So far I have reached the first stage and it has only been one week of taper . I got a little off on my training schedule due to overtraining and taking a short break so I have three weeks instead of two weeks of taper . But of course I googled it and it is okay for me to taper for three weeks . 1 . Denial - I no longer have to wake up at 5am ! I get to sleep in and can complete my easy runs in the afternoon . I have so much more time on my hands . I also get to focus on school a little more since I have so much more time . This taper thing is great . 2 . Anger - I 'm not an angry person . I haven 't gotten to this one yet and I am kind of hoping it won 't happen . . 3 . Bargaining - This is hoping that any aches , pains or illnesses are not going to harm all the training that I have built up for the past 140 days . Literally 140 days . 4 . Depression - Also one I am hoping to not reach . These next few weeks of training are much easier compared to the " run thirty miles in one week " types of weeks . 5 . Acceptance - Finally the marathon is here ! So why am I telling you this ? I heard tapering gets to runners and makes them crazy . If you see me crying or not able to handle myself in different situations please return me to my home . Thank you . Week seventeen of training is finished ! I had my last double digit run this morning of ten miles . The next two weekends are eight miles then six miles then race week . It definitely feels weird to go from hard training for four months and finally be on the downhill part . Here is a quick recap of this past weeks training : Whether you have just run a mile or a marathon there are some injury preventative , recovery essentials that are a must in the runners world . Most people want to recover quickly but don 't want to take the time to do so . I know this because I am one of those " most people " type of people . After a race I just want to stay in bed for the rest of the day . Sleep is important , but if you don 't want to experience soreness the next day then you have got to start using your recovery essentials . What are recovery essentials ? I am about to get to that . I finished my long run on Sunday morning and felt on top of the world . I even woke up for class on Monday and still felt good . Actually I woke up mad that alarm clocks were invented and wished I could sleep until Thursday . But anyways , my body felt good . . . until the shuttle came to take me to campus and I had to climb up three steps . Three steps . I felt tightness in my legs and had to approach stairs with caution . I made my way up and down stairs on campus all . day . long . The first thing I remembered " I forgot to stretch ! " The steps for recovery are simple . First , you need a cute basket to place in the corner of your room , in the living room , or maybe even in the kitchen . Put your recovery essentials in a basket to have everything in one place and in a place you visit often to really get some use out of the essentials . You can use whatever type of basket or case you want but if it isn 't cute you may not be as attracted to it . Second , get to work . Listen to Katy Perry 's new album , watch Netflix , do whatever you want to keep your mind off of the pain and start recovering . Most of these essentials hurt as heck but trust me , they feel so good . This is for stretching and / or practicing yoga on . Carpet may hurt - placing a yoga mat on the ground doesn 't hurt . I recommend downloading the free Yoga Studio app for Iphones and Ipads . There are plenty of different yoga videos for a quick 15 to 30 minute session without leaving your house . Compression socks " increase oxygen delivery , decrease lactic acid , prevent cramps , and minimize muscle fatigue . " Which basically means they help reduce soreness . four : a tennis ball Use a tennis ball , a lacrosse ball , a golf ball , etc . All I have is a beat up tennis ball but it works . Use this similar to a foam roller . five : epsom salt or ice bath I don 't know what it is about an epsom salt bath but it also works . Place one to two cups of epsom salt in warm to hot water and relax for twenty minutes . Ice is good too . It is much more of a shock and not as relaxing . Usually I recap my training weeks on Saturday 's after my long run for the week but since my long run was Sunday ( and then I was too tired to post yesterday ) I am recapping today ! My Garmin was acting funny last Monday so I ran without a watch the rest of the week . My runs are by time not pace which is the only reason I would ever run without my Garmin . I am thinking maybe the problem was the weather and it could not locate satellites in the rain ? Not sure , but it did work fine during my race so I think it came back to life . On Saturday my sister Kathleen ran with me and we used her Garmin to pace ourselves . Here is a quick recap of last weeks training : I have heard that two nights before a big race is the most important night of sleep . I am glad that is true because two nights ago I had plenty of sleep but last night I was tossing and turning all night . I was too excited and nervous to sleep . This morning I ran the Alamo City Marathon Challenge 20 miler . That is me in the pink in the above photo . I woke up this morning at 5 : 45am . I had packet pickup between 6 and 7am and the race started at 7 : 30am . I had a small breakfast - peanut butter toast and a banana . This morning was 45 degrees . I was very cold but it was the perfect weather without any wind . I got my packet , chip , and race number then did warmups and stretched before the start . The course was out and back 10 miles . My goal time for this race was 3 hours and 20 minutes . I had planned on 9 : 30 - 9 : 45 minute miles for the first half and then picking up the pace to low 9 minute miles the second half . That didn 't exactly work the way I planned . . In the first few miles of the race everyone was running at a much faster pace than I had planned . I was behind two boys who were talking about going 9 minute miles so I decided to stay behind them and pace with how I felt . I decided not to worry about pace and just run . I looked at the course map the night before and saw that there were water and gatorade stations every few miles but decided to take my fuel belt filled with gatorade , Gu chomps , and Gu . I took a Gu chomp every 4 miles . I took regular Gu every now and then , I wasn 't paying attention . I drank gatorade every few miles and drank water whenever I came upon a water station . On mile 2 these cute marines were asking what runners wanted I said water and one says " I got you ! You 're beautiful . " That definitely made my morning ; ) My dad came along to cheer me on . He watched me start then planned to drive to mile 10 and catch me halfway then drive back to watch me end . Right when I got to mile 10 he was just jogging up . I was so excited to see him . He had a coffee and phone in hand and made a joke about running 20 miles so well that he could drink coffee while doing it . That made me laugh . We discussed pacing and how I felt for a few seconds . He yelled " Go Sara ! See you at the finish line ! " I made it to the turn around . At mile 12 this group of runners were high - fiving other runners . I decided to high - five a few more also . For some reason high - fives made me excited and I began to run faster . I 'm going to high - five more often ! At mile 15 I turned my music on loud and zoned everything out and focused on counting down the miles . A few more miles later I saw the finish line and ran in . I had just finished 20 miles ! That is the longest run of my training and the farthest distance I have run in my life . I love running . And every time I push myself to go further I fall more in love with this sport . My first marathon is coming up in three weeks and I can not wait . Rock ' N ' Roll Marathon , here I come ! Thank you Dad for coming to cheer me on this morning ! I know it is hard getting up early and watching someone else run but having you there meant so much to me . Thank you to my family who support and encourage me all the time . Thank you friends and you guys who read this blog for your Instagram and blog comments , texts and calls , etc . Oh and thank you Kathleen for making my lunch when I didn 't feel like getting out of bed ! In just two days I will be running 20 miles ! I am so excited but also very nervous . I will be using Sunday mornings race as a training run and also as a race to test my endurance and speed from these past few months of training . This will be my longest run and my last long run before the marathon ! These past few days have been exhausting . I have felt great on my runs but mentally wiped out . My older sister is the best at encouragement and support since she is also training for an endurance race and knows how tough training can be . I texted her the other day and this is what she told me . . . . I will shorten it ; ) " This is where it turns more mental than physical . This is where you have to push through and visualize your goal . . . When training gets hard you have to rearrange your thinking . Right now think about the fun 20 mile race you are going to do . It is a prep race but it is fun because you will see how your training has helped you . . " Thanks Anna , I needed that ! Wednesday morning I woke up ready for my tempo run . I was going to try out my dads Garmin which is newer than mine and lately my Garmin hasn 't been working properly . I thought I knew how to work the Garmin but when I pressed the start button nothing happened . It was 5am which is not the ideal time to wake up my dad and figure it out . I really wanted to track my speed but had to settle on running without it . I knew it was going to be cold but didn 't expect the rain . I got through two of my speed sets when I felt something weird . [ if you hate blood don 't read this ] I reached up to my face and looked at blood every where . Shoot ! A nose bleed . I made a loop back to my house and cleaned up . Then headed back out in the cold , pouring rain and finished up one more set . I didn 't finish all sets since I only had an hour to run before class and lost time because of the " incident " but I finished three of the four . 5am , pouring rain , freezing temperatures , and a nose bleed . . . that isn 't exactly the ideal run . I will recap all my workouts later this weekend . I am offering my two cents on the Pear yoga app . Today I wanted an easier workout . I have an app on my Ipad that has a bunch of yoga videos that are all between 15 - 30 minutes . I have had it downloaded for a few months but have never had a chance to use it . I chose a thirty minute relaxation video and really liked it . It is a free app which is the best type of app . That is all for now . I may not be posting on the blog for a couple of days while I focus on my mantras . Follow along Instagram for updates on my pre race outfit post and after my tune up race ! @ saralynnhoffman Last week Nicole tagged me for my third blog award so today I am answering the questions . And I would nominate the bloggers that add sunshine to my day but they have already been nominated . If you want to participate follow the rules and comment below ! What 's the craziest thing you 've ever done ? If you know me , you know I dislike roller coasters . Two years ago over the summer I really wanted to get over my fear of roller coasters . I was feeling brave so my mom , older sister Anna , younger sister Kathleen , and I all went to Fiesta Texas where we got on the Superman which was the biggest roller coaster at the theme park . I would say that 's the craziest thing for me . But hey , I rode it ! And never rode it again . . Hot weather or cold weather ? Hot weather . What is your favorite part about the city you live in ? Everything . I love that I live in a big city . What 's one thing that can immediately brighten your day ? My family . Have you met anyone famous ? Yes , Aaron Watson ! He was at the rodeo a couple of years ago signing autographs and giving out free CDs . I remember he told us to stay away from boys . Well , alrighty then . Too bad my sister and I didn 't know who he was at the time . . . What is your worst habit ? Same as what it was in July 's A to Z post . . . buying too much stuff when I go shopping . And yes , I still like my habit . What is the best Halloween costume you 've ever worn ? Hmm . . . one time I was a cat . It 's fall which basically means pumpkins are everywhere . My family and I make pumpkin bread each October and we love it . Yesterday I had some free time on my hands in which I decided I was going to try baking this recipe by myself . I had every necessary ingredient and couldn 't wait to get started . However , the title of this should be changed to : How to mess up the easiest recipe ever . Or maybe : Never let Sara bake again . I could blame it on having too much fun on FaceTime with my sister or maybe even I was too hungry so I rushed the mixing but no matter what the excuse is , I messed it all up . After baking the bread for over an hour I knew something was wrong . I grabbed out the recipe book , reread the directions , and then quickly doubted all my baking skills . I put in one can of pumpkin which equals 7 cups of pumpkin . I know everyone was trying to tell me it was good just to not make me feel bad but it was terrible . Soggy , and terrible . Practice makes perfect , right ? I am excited to welcome Madelynne to my blog today ! This is my first guest post and I couldn 't think of a better person than her . She posts over at Pretty and Whole . We first got to know each other through Instagram and then connected through our blogs . She is so sweet and encouraging . I asked Madelynne to share a few things on my blog today about running , recovery , and nutrition . Guest post from Pretty and Whole Get to know her here and read my favorite post here . Also don 't miss her recent post for the five things on Friday . Thanks for your words of wisdom , Madelynne ! I ran out of fuel last week and was about to purchase more when my sister texted me and asked if I wanted a bunch of her Gu that she has tested out but didn 't like during her half ironman training . I immediately replied " yes ! ! " I just received it today and couldn 't be more excited . If you aren 't a runner compare the excitement to how you would feel getting something special on your birthday or Christmas . Here is what she sent me : Speaking of my mom , after running 8 miles together Saturday morning we decided to get our nails done . Matching too , nonetheless . My younger sister was away at a cross country meet and my dad was out of town so it was a mom and daughter day ! I 'm just going to tell you all that Bolthouse has the best breakfast smoothie . I run early every morning and by the time I get back I am so hungry . I drink this right when I get back to fill me until I can make my breakfast afterwards . It is so delicious ! Week fifteen is finished . This was a recovery week after last weeks 16 miles and before next weeks 20 miles . Yep , 20 miles next weekend ! Overall I felt really good this week . I have been focusing on eating more , running easy / slower , doing more stretching and foam rolling , and taking freezing cold ice baths . I have been feeling a whole lot better . This is my first time training for a marathon so everything is new to me and I learn new things each day . Here is a recap of this weeks training : I missed a day of blogging yesterday , darn ! I was hoping to make up from last week when I only blogged twice during the week . . . I figured no one cared about my 40 minute stationary bike ride . Am I right ? Yeah I 'm right . Moving on . It 's that time again - it 's time to link up with A . Liz Adventures for five things on Friday . Here are five things that have made me happy / / inspired me this week . YOU guys . When I started this blog I didn 't realize how many people would actually read it and / or comment such nice things ! I have learned new things from a few of you such as running tips and new recipes and I love the encouragement you guys write ! It means so much . Thank you ! The new things that came this week . Including new clothes , new fuel , and a free makeup bag ! And I can 't forget about my sassy shoes ! I was looking at similar ones from Target but they were sold out so I just had to buy these ones from Nordstrom . When I was buying them I was talking with the salesperson ( who had my name , exact spelling and all ) and telling her my outfit idea . My idea was a black top from Anthropolgie and skinny jeans so I needed a pop of shoe . She told me " oh yes , you need sassy shoes . " She got me ! The fact that my run tomorrow is only 8 miles . 8 miles is short compared to my other long runs . I am looking forward to enjoying the morning , taking my run slow , and only running 8 miles ! I haven 't posted my weekly training in a few days so here it is : the beginning of week fifteen . Which also means . . . FIVE MORE WEEKS LEFT . Monday was an easy 45 minute run . There is a four mile loop near my house . I ran mainly on grass during this run to give my legs a break from pounding on the pavement . I kept it slow to actually use it as a recovery run . I read a very wise blogger / running coach who wrote : Tuesday was cross training . I did a workout at home that was an ab and leg workout . I made it up as I went along . Last week I ordered ( a bit too much ) stuff from Anthropologie . If they would just stop being so darn cute I wouldn 't feel the need to buy something every time I go in there . Last night a few of the items came in and I was so excited ! The items are this blue top , this chambray buttondown , and this striped dress . Plus all of them are orchestra dress code approved . Win win . Today was my busy day . I had a tempo run early this morning . The workout was the same as last week . 5 minute walk . 10 minute jog . 4 sets of : 5 minute fast , 2 minute slow . 10 minute jog . 5 minute walk . I was surprised by how much of a difference I felt this week compared to last . Which I will get to in a minute . I had class all day then went to my doctor 's appointment afterwards . After talking for awhile we figured out that my nutrition was the problem , not my thyroid . We figured out that I need to eat more and that 's that . Usually in the morning 's I grab a quick bowl of cereal to get out the door but now I wake up earlier so I can actually eat a good breakfast . I had Stephani comment last week and she gave me a great recipe . Oatmeal + greek yogurt + honey + berries . I was skeptical at first but after trying it found out that it is delicious ! Thanks Stephani ! And guys , seriously go try it . share : facebook | twitter | pinterest This past weekend I ran 16 miles . Of course you probably already know that because I posted it every where . Today I 'm going to let you in on a few things that helped me this past weekend during my longest run yet . Here are 11 tips for successfully running 16 miles : 1 . Your 16 mile run starts the moment the alarm goes off . If you are thinking negatively from the beginning , your run will reflect it . Think of positive things . Remind yourself that you are ready and that you are strong enough to run that far . Find a mantra and repeat it to yourself during your run . Here are a few of my favorites : 2 . Fuel right when you wake up . During sleep the body goes into anabolic process , drink a protein shake and eat some fruit - maybe a banana or apple slices right when you wake to stop this process . Some people eat a small breakfast , it is whatever works for you . I set out protein powder and an apple the night before so I could remember to eat a little before I left . . and because my family didn 't want me to wake them up as I got up before the sun . 3 . Map it out . Rather than run for however long and hopefully get in 16 miles , plan out your run the night before to get an idea of your route . You can also let people know where you are going and how long it will take you . I plan out the time I will be gone depending on my pace to let my family know that if I don 't return in a certain amount of time , they need to come pick me up . I will get to this later but take your cell phone ! 4 . Don 't forget your totally awesome fuel belt . For this 16 miler I filled the bottles with gatorade and left a water bottle on my driveway . There is also a pouch on the right side where I keep my cell phone and gu chomps . I think everyone needs to take a cell phone with them while running . Whether something is wrong or you need to let someone know you are behind schedule , a cell phone can be used in a quick emergency . And who knows when I need to call my family and let them know I am still good and on mile 7 of 16 . Just kidding , I don 't do that . I focus on my mantra . 5 . This one is a personal opinion : Run with music . I love having Bruno Mars sing to me that I 'm his treasure and Lady Gaga reminding me that I live for the applause . And I can 't forget Beyonce telling me that I am schoolin ' life . When you run for two and a half hours ( or more ) music helps get your mind off of things . 6 . Enjoy it . Think of all the things you are thankful for - your body and legs are taking you crazy far , you have people supporting you from the beginning , you get to watch the sun come up , you are following your dreams , you get to eat whatever you want when you get back , etc . 7 . Take it slow and easy . You are running for a very long time . Run slowly and maintain your pace or have negative splits . My splits : 8 . After you are finished running 16 miles have a photoshoot . Why else would you run 16 miles if you weren 't going to tell everyone ? I think Instagram , Facebook , a blog , and any other social media is the perfect place to shine . Yes , friends , family , your neighbors , and strangers need to know how far you ran too . 9 . Also take plenty of pictures of your Garmin . When you get ready for your next run the Garmin will clear out your previous run . If you have a picture of your Garmin from every angle you will be sure to remember your awesome run . 10 . Bring out the pain relievers . Most likely your body and legs will be either confused at what you just did or mad at you or both . Taking pain relievers right when you get home helps you still feel the wonderful feeling of running 16 miles but without the pain . Don 't take pain relievers the morning of your run ! This is a big one . Pain relievers can thin out your blood . It also makes you not feel pain which can be very bad if you hurt yourself or have an injury and run through it . 11 . Lastly , recover like a boss . Ice baths , 64 bread bites from Dominos , lying in bed until you feel like moving again , stretching , and foam rolling are all great ideas for recovery . Running your 16 miler soon ? I hope this post helps . And remember , in the words of RunEMZ : you 've freaking got this . I made sure to take my phone with me everywhere this weekend so I could have lots of pictures for my weekend favorites . This weekend was one of my favorites ! Probably because of my long run but also because I spent it with my favorite people - my family . Friday was mostly spent on campus . I had class all day then went to the mall afterwards . When I came home I had a thirty minute run to do . My sister and I were in charge of getting the groceries so later on we made a trip of it . You know fall is here when pumpkins are everywhere . I didn 't get pictures but Kathleen made the both of us pasta with salads for dinner . Afterwards was ice cream time . So yummy ! We took an ice bath , relaxed , and I got my clothes out and mapped my route for my long run on Saturday . I woke up early Saturday morning so I could have a protein drink and eat apple slices before the planned 16 miler . I made a route the night before so I could do a 10 mile loop throughout the neighborhoods that I live by . I had set out a water bottle in my driveway so that after 10 miles I could loop back to my house , stop for a quick water break , and drop off my fuel belt before my next loop . I saw a piece of paper underneath the water bottle that read " Go Sara ! I love you . Love Dad . " I loved it ! Then I made a 6 mile loop . After three weeks of doubting my abilities to complete longer runs , Saturday 's long run left me feeling so much more confident about my training . I think I annoyed my family talking about how awesome it was . Sorry guys ; ) I napped for a little while then got ready for orchestra rehearsal and church . After church was pizza and movie night . While ordering the pizza my sister and I may have accidentally added 64 bread bites rather than 32 . . . but don 't worry , I didn 't waste anything . " I just have to say you make me feel so NORMAL . I 've done plenty of crying this season over feeling weak and my horrible training season . I love reading about your journey and the proactive steps you 've been taking to feel stronger . You 're such an inspiration ! Glad you had a strong 16 miler today and I 'll pray you have plenty more : ) " Thank you for your sweet words Madelynne ! You made my day ! Training is hard and having people who support you through the ups and the downs definitely helps . S U N D A Y Sunday is my rest day . I had to go back to my campus to check on my microbiology lab specimens . My sister came with me so we could stop at Starbucks and try out the Pumpkin Spice Lattes that everyone talks about . It was pretty good and we understood why everyone loves it . The rest of my Sunday was spent studying for upcoming tests and quizzes that I have this week . Happy Saturday ! I did it ! I ran 16 miles this morning and felt so good ! The beginning of this week was rough . On Wednesday I sat in my car crying while my parents kept encouraging me . Running is what helps me through everything . Since my running has not been normal lately I felt that I didn 't have anything to turn to when I had a good or bad day . Maybe it 's a runners thing or just me ? Here is a recap of this week 's training . I can 't tell you how happy I was this whole run ! I prayed for a strong run this morning and kept thanking God the whole way . I was smiling from mile one to mile sixteen . Run Sara Run is back , and ready to take on these next few weeks ! So . . I have missed a few days of posts . I had a huge test this morning that I have been studying for all week and I also took a break from posting because I haven 't been feeling strong during my running . If I had posted it would just be me being frustrated rather than my usual positive self . I have overtraining symptoms ( tired , sore legs , etc ) but I have been working on getting over it . There is an article I found that was " eat yourself out of overtraining . " It has meal ideas for two breakfasts , morning snack , lunch , afternoon snack , and dinner . - - Tuesday was cross training . I did an ab workout with my sister , Kathleen . We did thirty minutes of planks , sit ups , and different moves to work every part of our abs . - - Wednesday I had a tempo run . This was the first tempo run and it is the same run the next six weeks . I didn 't take it super fast . 5 minute walk 10 minute jog then four sets of 5 minutes run fast , 2 minutes run slow . 10 minute jog followed by a 5 minute walk . The rest of my day consisted of class , studying , and then orchestra rehearsal . - - Thursday I had a morning class then worked nine hours so I skipped a workout since I didn 't get home until late . I was reading another blog that talked about how we should not put pressure on ourselves for different races because there is always another race - I may have already talked to my older sister about running another marathon in March . I sometimes forget that I run because I love it . I signed up and have been training for this marathon since July because I want to , not because I have to . I have a thirty minute easy run scheduled for this afternoon . Then , I have a 16 miler planned for tomorrow that I am making up from two weeks ago . share : facebook | twitter | pinterest October is finally here and I couldn 't be more excited . What better way to start off a new month than a style post ? I am in need want of some new clothes . My favorite store to shop at is Anthropologie . A bunch of the clothing posted below can be found there . I am loving those leopard loafers ! I was reading a fashion blog this morning and their outfit of the day included those loafers which looked way too cute on . They are from Target and on sale - I know where I am headed after work ; ) . I can 't wait until I have a free afternoon this week so I can go to the mall . I 'm sure a few more articles of clothing will find their way into my closet this season . Lately I have been on the hunt for dresses to wear for church and orchestra . We have a dress code for orchestra and have to wear sleeves . The dresses I found above are perfect for being in season and in dress code ! I 'm Sara and I love to run . My goals are to run 26 races before I turn 26 , run a 1 : 30 half marathon , and run a 3 : 20 marathon . Thanks for stopping by !
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To all my wonderful friends & fans who have been private messaging me about the bullshit that has been circling around the internet . Thank you for all your love & support . If I could find a way to meet each and everyone of you in person , then I would & then there would be no doubt in anyone 's mind that Siggy Flicker is the REAL DEAL ! There is nothing phony about me except for a few body parts ! That 's it ! The truth is that since reunion Jacqueline and I have not spoken . There are certain bad bloggers out there that don 't take the time out to research their stories . They simply don 't care & will put out any bullshit story because for them , it 's all about " click baits " which makes money for them and not about telling the truth . There are some great bloggers out there who have been fair in their stories even when it doesn 't shed me in the best light . I would like to thank some of the great ones … The Real Mr . Housewife , thathousewivesguy , & AllAbout TRH , for always be fair & square . Let 's clear some things up …… After reunion I was very hurt once again by Jacqueline ! She once again stopped talking to me . I was once again receiving the silent treatment . The 1st time she did that was after Vermont . There was no reason for her to give me the silent treatment after Vermont . I had her back in Vermont & once again the proof is in the footage . I even left Vermont early ! This time around when she didn 't speak to me after reunion , it was different for me . I was over it ! ! ! I was not reaching out this time . I was exhausted from this friendship and felt that I was damned if I do & damned if I don 't ! It 's that simple . Now all these bogus accusations are coming out . Please ! ! ! I call BULLSHIT ! I have done nothing wrong and I had Jacqueline 's back for 18 episodes & everyone has the footage to back this fact up . Usually in life , when you are done & speak the truth , the other side has two options . They are either going to apologize or they are going to come up with something not nice about you They are certainly not going to compliment you and say … . " she 's a great person " or " she has great hair " instead they are going to rip you to shreds and say nasty negative things like in this case " phony " & " two faced " ! I 'm not surprised . As far as those false accusations of me playing both sides , I call BULLSHIT again ! This season was about me getting to know these ladies for the first time & developing my own relationships with them including my favorite of all … . Dolores ! ! ! That friendship means the world to me . It 's so easy and low maintenance . I just love her . I also met Teresa for the 1st time at Rails during filming and we bonded from the moment we met . I adore her . From the very beginning I was not interested in taking sides . I don 't kiss anyone 's ass and I don 't care enough about their past issues to get involved . I judge my friends based on my own experiences . I have also witnessed plenty of people talking about Teresa before I even met her … I wonder why those people are being protected & all this venom is being taken out on me . I love all these women & never once did I do anything but lift them up . Once again the proof in the footage of the show & on any other show ( Wendy Williams , Steve Harvey etc . ) that I ever did ! Anyone can google these interviews & it only proves and back up the facts … . I DID talk about Melissa before I had the chance to get to know her and I was wrong & I owned it on camera and off camera . We straightened it out . Melissa is a class act . She fights like a lady . We moved past it . That is what mature adults do . As far as Jacqueline , I wish nothing but the best for her . She is a wonderful mother & wife . We had some great times together over the past 2 years . I also thanked her 18 , 452 times for getting me on the show . I was a good friend but in the end I guess I couldn 't meet the expectations she had for me as a friend . I will always be grateful to all the fans for their love and support . It means so much to me . Lesson learned here …… You can 't please everyone in life and just like they tell you when you are on an airplane that in case of an emergency put the oxygen mask on yourself 1st before you help others , I did just that and I stand behind that . I am not going to sacrifice my health or happiness for any friendship . My plea to all of you is … . don 't believe everything you read with certain bloggers ! Be Leaders . Not Followers ! Listen to your gut instincts . There is fake news out there . There are apps out there today that can create fake tweets , fake text messages & we all know about all the fake accounts that certain people create with 5 followers or less in order to spread hate & to bully others . It 's just not nice . At the end of the day , I try to avoid conflict and certain situations because I know that with some people , it isn 't going to make a difference . I don 't want to lose hours of my life that I will never get back . When you get to be a certain age , you lose your patience for drama . I 'm a lover and not a fighter . I don 't like confrontation . Sue me . Hang me from a pole ! I am all heart & soul & every single one of you witnessed that this season . THAT ' S ALL FOLKS ! I am now getting back to my family , friends & life . Peace to all . Happy Holidays . I need you to listen and listen closely … When people ask me why there are evil people in the world , the answer is simple … I believe God made all types of people so we can differentiate between the good and the bad ; otherwise , how would we know the difference ? Not everyone can be " good " and most of us really strive to be better people . It 's what we 're faced with in life , but what can we do ? We can educate ourselves , do our best to walk a straight line and listen to our gut instincts . For some , it 's so easy and for others it takes a bit longer , but what I want to teach you in this blog is how to RECOGNIZE a toxic person ! Energy speaks to you . Have you ever been around someone who makes you feel uncomfortable ? Perhaps you can 't believe what you are seeing or you hear them talk and what they are saying doesn 't sound right . Your gut tells you to run but you are too scared to move . You start to feel bad for them because life has been hard for them , you make up excuses for them and you pray that tomorrow morning they get up and are totally different . Well , my friends , this is the best advice I can give you : RUN , RUN , RUN , RUN , RUN for the door ! ! ! Repeat after me : YOU CANNOT HELP A PERSON WHO DOESN ' T WANT TO HELP THEMSELF . It is not your job . Some people are sneaky , manipulative , bitter , jealous , and can 't get out of their own way . It 's true . It 's a fact of life . There are people right now in your life that you are thinking about that fit this description . If they are family members , spend as little time with them as possible . If they 're not related to you , run for the hills . You don 't owe anyone anything . You are entitled to be happy , to have your own opinion , to be free , to be loved , to be wonderful and to have joy in your life ! You are entitled to live your life YOUR WAY and not under some toxic spell ! I beg you ! Today is the day that you cut the rope and all ties with those who are toxic in your life ! Not everyone is going to understand my journey , and that 's fine . It 's not anyone else 's journey to make sense of - it 's MINE . I 've had so many people asking me whose side I am on in this ongoing battle between Jacqueline and Teresa . The answer is simple : I 'm on TEAM SIGGY ! The purpose of life is to LIVE A LIFE OF PURPOSE and I do just that ! I am no one 's puppet . I take pride in the fact that I am a leader , not a follower ! I have my own opinions and no one should get mad at me for those opinions . Although it would have been wonderful to see Jacqueline and Teresa put an end to their bickering , it just wasn 't meant to be . Anyone who has watched this show this season knows that I have gladly had Jacqueline 's back through every single episode . ( For the record : she NEVER asked me to defend her . That was always MY choice . ) I have thanked her over & over again , just recently on The Wendy Williams Show . Jacqueline was the one who told me that when I met Teresa that I would love her and she was right - I do ! At the end of the day , it 's all about chemistry and energy . Certain people bring out the best in you and some can bring out the worst in you ! Although both of these ladies are lovely on their own , the Jacqueline and Teresa era is officially OVER ! After so much time , energy and effort spent , I 've finally come to realize that these girls don 't belong together ; the chemistry just doesn 't work . What it boils down to is neither one of them wants to be friends and they are perfectly happy without each other . Have you ever heard the saying " You get more bees with honey than you do with vinegar " ? That 's exactly what comes to mind after watching this season 's RHONJ finale . I consider all of these ladies to be my friends , and I wanted nothing more than to see them all work through their differences . I am entitled to my opinions , and only want the best for all of them . I don 't believe the blame belongs on one individual here ; EVERYONE ( Teresa , Jacqueline and Melissa ) involved in this situation has a hand in the cookie jar . There are so many instances this season that could have gone so differently if everyone didn 't fly off the handle so quickly and took the time to calmly talk things through and listen to each other . These relationships aren 't moving forward because no one wants to take accountability for their actions . Regarding Jacqueline and Teresa 's relationship , I 've always believed that Jacqueline was reacting in a way that stemmed from uncertainty and hurt . She never trusted that Teresa truly wanted to be her friend again and after the Vermont trip , those feelings just escalated . It 's important to understand that at the Vermont dinner , Jacqueline walked in to dinner thinking that Teresa had asked Robyn and Christina to leave the trip - she had no idea that Teresa was so angry . How I wish that Teresa had softened her approach towards Jacqueline within the first 3 minutes of her sitting down , and how I wish Melissa had just answered Jacqueline 's " Strippergate " question right away . I also wish that Jacqueline didn 't leave so she could have heard their points of view . It was all one big mess ; Dolores and I did our best to give Jacqueline 's perspective in hopes of bringing everyone together . Neither Dolores nor I wanted to be in the middle of this war , so my only goal was to get these girls together for CLOSURE ! I had faith that they could all sit down together and talk through their differences . I wasn 't expecting them to walk away as best friends ; I just wanted them to walk away as ladies who could understand one another , act civilly toward each other , and MOVE FORWARD . I initially planned a luncheon at my house , and when Teresa asked me if I had insurance , I got scared and changed the location to Rails - and yes , I hired security ! ( All of us JERSEY girls are strong , opinionated women , and I wanted to make sure that nothing went flying in the heat of an argument ! ) I was beyond ecstatic when Dolores and Jacqueline handled everything so well … and then … BAM ! I 'm not quite sure what happened . I know that Jacqueline was still so hurt from the Vermont trip , but right from the start , her delivery was wrong . She immediately started to dictate who was to sit where and how this luncheon was going to go down . She asked Melissa to leave the room and the rest is history ! When Jacqueline left , Dolores and I chased after her because we wanted to tell her that her delivery was off in hopes that she would come back inside and we could start all over again . I may be a relationship expert , but I am not a magician . I can 't pull a rabbit out of a hat , and I can 't make people behave in ways I wish they would . If I were a magician , I would have made Teresa 's attack on Jacqueline at dinner in Vermont disappear , I would have made Melissa answer Jacqueline 's " Strippergate " question right away , and I would have made Jacqueline approach the luncheon differently . In TRUE FRIENDSHIPS , it 's comforting to know you can AGREE TO DISAGREE ! Having different opinions and being open ( in a respectful way , of course ) can be a beautiful thing ! I will always be exactly who I am - I have nothing to hide and I 'm going to be honest and upfront with you from the get - go because I WANT WHAT ' S BEST FOR MY FRIENDS . How can you grow as a person if you aren 't willing to accept constructive criticism from those who care about you the most ? At the end of the day , I find comfort in knowing that I truly tried my best . In situations like this , there 's only so much you can do . It 's clear to me now that I 'm damned if I do / I 'm damned if I don 't . I 'd like to end this season finale 's blog on a positive note . Although my skills as a Relationship Expert weren 't as effective with my friends as I had hoped they 'd be , I am so grateful for this experience during my first season as a " Real Housewife " . I 've had some constructive criticism thrown at me from the people I love the most - my family . What did I do with it ? I accepted it , reflected on it , and used it to make positive changes in myself that have only enriched my relationships with my parents and my children . And that , my friends , is how you do it . Life is good ! 2 . Relationships are my expertise ; it drives me crazy to see people not getting along . If something is broken , I believe in giving it your all to fix it . 3 . Have you ever had friends that were fighting ? It 's not comfortable for anyone to be around them , especially their close friends ! ! ! Can 't we all just get along ? ? ? I don 't believe the blame belongs on one individual here ; EVERYONE ( Teresa , Jacqueline and Melissa ) involved in this situation has a hand in the cookie jar . There are so many instances this season that could have gone so differently if everyone didn 't fly off the handle so quickly and took the time to calmly talk things through and listen to each other . These relationships aren 't moving forward because no one wants to take accountability for their actions . Regarding Jacqueline and Teresa 's relationship , I 've always believed that Jacqueline was reacting in a way that stemmed from uncertainty and hurt . She never trusted that Teresa truly wanted to be her friend again and after the Vermont trip , those feelings just escalated . It 's important to understand that at the Vermont dinner , Jacqueline walked in thinking that Teresa had asked Robyn and Christina to leave the trip - she had no idea that Teresa was so angry . How I wish that Teresa didn 't attack Jacqueline within the first 3 minutes of her sitting down , and how I wish Melissa had just answered Jacqueline 's " Strippergate " question right away ! Neither Dolores nor I wanted to be in the middle of this war , so my only goal was to get these girls together for CLOSURE ! I had faith that they could all sit down together and talk through their differences . I wasn 't expecting them to walk away as best friends ; I just wanted them to walk away as ladies who could understand one another , act civilly toward each other , and MOVE FORWARD . I initially planned a luncheon at my house , and when Teresa asked me if I had insurance , I got scared and changed the location to Rails - and yes , I hired security ! ( All of us JERSEY girls are strong , opinionated women , and I wanted to make sure that nothing went flying in the heat of an argument ! ) I was beyond ecstatic when Dolores and Jacqueline handled everything so well … and then … BAM ! I 'm not quite sure what happened , but right from the start , Jacqueline 's delivery was wrong . She immediately started to dictate who was to sit where and how this luncheon was going to go down . She asked Melissa to leave the room and the rest is history ! When Jacqueline left , Dolores and I chased after her because we wanted to tell her that her delivery was off in hopes that she would come back inside and we could start all over again . Melissa was even open to hearing what Jacqueline had to say , so why not try to make it right ? I may be a relationship expert , but I am not a magician . I can 't pull a rabbit out of a hat , and I can 't make people behave in ways I wish they would . If I were a magician , I would have made Teresa 's attack on Jacqueline at dinner in Vermont disappear , I would have made Melissa answer Jacqueline 's " Strippergate " question right away , and I would have made Jacqueline approach the luncheon differently . In TRUE FRIENDSHIPS , it 's comforting to know you can AGREE TO DISAGREE ! Having different opinions and being open ( in a respectful way , of course ) can be a beautiful thing ! I will always be exactly who I am - I have nothing to hide and I 'm going to be honest and upfront with you from the get - go because I WANT WHAT ' S BEST FOR MY FRIENDS . How can you grow as a person if you aren 't willing to accept constructive criticism from those who care about you the most ? At the end of the day , I find comfort in knowing that I truly tried my best . In situations like this , there 's only so much you can do . It 's clear to me now that I 'm damned if I do / I 'm damned if I don 't . I 'd like to end this season finale 's blog on a positive note . Although my skills as a Relationship Expert weren 't as effective with my friends as I had hoped they 'd be , I am so grateful for this experience during my first season as a " Real Housewife " . I 've had some constructive criticism thrown at me from the people I love the most - my family . What did I do with it ? I accepted it , reflected on it , and used it to make positive changes in myself that have only enriched my relationships with my parents and my children . And that , my friends , is how you do it . Life is good ! This episode of the RHONJ for me was all about women empowering each other ! ! ! Nothing drives me crazier than when women feel like they need to compete with other women . Listen to me : STRONG WOMEN don 't tear each other down - they BUILD EACH OTHER UP ! ! ! ! I 'm so happy to support the ladies in my life that I hold dear to my heart - their happiness brings me happiness . It 's no secret how much I love my girlfriend , Dolores ! I 've wanted nothing more than to see her moving forward - happily - with her life . It was my mission to build up her self - esteem - that stunning , wonderful woman needed to know her worth ! ! ! ! ! ! Now that she feels good about herself , it was also important for her to feel good in her surroundings . Who doesn 't love a good home renovation ? ? ? ? ? A little known fact about me : for 15 years - in addition to being a Relationship Expert - I was a Selections Coordinator ( A . K . A Decorator ) for one of the biggest builders in Boca Raton , Florida . When people purchased a home , I worked closely with them to pick out all of the details in their new construction . I love helping people feel good , whether it 's in their own skin or in their environment ! Celebrating the completion of this renovation was so important to Dolores , and I loved watching her in her element that night . Not only was she sharing her joy with everyone she loves , Dolores was announcing to everyone that night that she 's back and BETTER THAN EVER ! Now that she 's put herself up on the pedestal that she deserves to be on , she 's set the tone for how she needs to be treated in current and future relationships . In fact , I 'm happy to report that she 's successfully completed my boot camp - after a long " dating detox " , I 've set her up with a wonderful man - and the relationship is going beautifully ! ! ! ! GO , DOLORES ! Since Dolores feels so good about herself , she wanted to help other women feel great , too . It was my pleasure to play a part in her gym 's event , which aimed to empower women . I believe strongly that it 's so important to find what you truly love and share that joy with others , just like Teresa is sharing her love of yoga by becoming a yoga instructor . My Mother 's joy is very simple : her family . I will never take the bonding moments I 've shared with her this season for granted . I 've been sad around her in the past because I always felt like she never put enough energy into herself ; it upset me to think that she must not have been happy . I understand now that what really , truly makes her happy is her family , and that 's a beautiful thing ! However , I 'm not giving up on getting my Mother to enjoy the finer things in life a little more . She is the most selfless , giving woman - it brought me so much joy to pamper her a little bit . I 'm forever grateful that she always believed in me and made me the woman that I am today . I can only hope that my children have as much respect for me as I have for my Mom . There are two types of women in this world : women who purchase something fabulous and keep the details to themselves , and women who want to tell you exactly where they bought it and for how much . I am unapologetically that girl who will lead you to the goods . I wrote a book ( Write Your Own Fairy Tale ) and it 's true … I want you to read it . Why ? Because I practice what I preach and I know it works . I could just keep this information to myself , but seeing other people happy makes me feel fulfilled . I believe that positive energy is contagious and I intend to keep spreading joy wherever I go . If you know your worth and surround yourself with good , genuine people that truly believe in you , there 's absolutely nothing you can 't accomplish . YOU CAN LIVE THE LIFE YOU WANT ! Shhh … I 'll let you in on a little secret ! I 'm excited to say that I set my dear Dolores up with a wonderful man and the relationship is going fabulously ! After a little " Dating Detox " and " Siggy Boot Camp , " my girl was ready to take the plunge . She now knows her worth and feels incredible . If you don 't hold yourself up high on a pedestal , no one else will ! ! ! GO , DOLORES ! ! ! ! ! For years , loyal RHONJ viewers have been witness to never - ending drama and fighting . There 's been table flipping , name - calling , hair pulling , and threats made . I 'm not here to take sides or partake in anyone else 's drama that has nothing to do with me . However , I will do whatever I can to help fix it ( if my advice is welcome , of course ) . One of the reasons I 've been so successful as a relationship expert is that I am an empathizer - I can see where each of these individuals is coming from , and what 's keeping them from uniting . Although their personal situations are all unique , the bottom line with each and every one of them is : FAMILY ALWAYS COMES FIRST . I respect this so much , and I consider myself beyond lucky to call all of these women my friends . I 've made it clear with each of them where I stand in all of this , and they have all graciously accepted and honor my wishes . Although I may not go out looking for drama , I do occasionally have drama that pops into my life . I CHOOSE TO DIFFUSE it instead of entertain it . If Felicia continues to knock at my door , I 'll gladly let her in … and good luck finding her body parts ! I may be kind and classy at heart , but if you want to bring me the B . S . , the Jersey Girl in me will NOT tolerate it . There 's no room for negativity in my life - and there shouldn 't be in yours either . I will not change for anyone or anything . I love being a leader and I 'm proud of what I bring to the table . I receive countless emails everyday - the majority of them are people thanking me for the advice I have to offer and for the positivity and light - heartedness I 've brought to the show . I 'm so glad that Dolores and I have been able to bring a real friendship , real emotions and real opinions to the RHONJ . I hope that you can appreciate that , too . Some viewers have felt for me - others have questioned my sanity - either way , there 's no denying I 've cried enough tears so far during this season of the RHONJ to form a Flicker River . You may have noticed I 'm an emotional person , but do you know why I 'm so emotional ? I 'm ready now to fill you in . I 've always had issues with my fibroids , but two years ago , they were inflamed enough to require surgery . During the surgery , my doctor found a pre - cancerous tumor on my other ovary . Who knew inflamed fibroids could be such a blessing ? ! I underwent a full hysterectomy and my body went into complete shock ; my hormones were - and occasionally continue to be - out of whack . My doctor recommended that I do hormone replacement therapy to counter the effects of my uterus being removed , but after much research , I decided against it because of the increased breast cancer risk associated with it . I also opted to have my breast implants removed because I couldn 't stand the thought of anything foreign in my body anymore . I embrace my hot flashes and my highs and lows - I 'm alive and healthy , and that 's all that matters to me ! I 'm so lucky that my girlfriends have accepted me for who I am - an empathetic , compassionate , loyal friend to all of my loved ones . I 'm also so grateful that they respect my wishes - I don 't want to be in the middle of any more drama . The ladies and I have a pact - Teresa and Melissa won 't talk about Jacqueline in my presence , and Jacqueline won 't talk about Teresa or Melissa around me . I respect them and love them ALL too much to tolerate anything being said about any of them . Thank you , Chris , for understanding that I 'm about mending , not breaking people . What I do wish is that everyone on the show would sit down together and really listen to each other , the way Melissa and I did over coffee . You get so much further with people when you sit down with them , really listen to what they have to say , and you 're honest with them . I saw Melissa in a whole new light after our conversation , and I 'm so glad that we each took the time to meet that day . Holy sh * * , my head is still spinning from that trip ! Just when you thought everything was calm in Jersey , we cross a couple state borders and … BAM ! First of all , let me make it clear that my idea of a " vacation " doesn 't involve snow or even an ounce of drama , so aside from a few special moments in beautiful Vermont , this whole experience pretty much falls under the umbrella of " trip from HELL " for me . I wasn 't initially keen on a getaway that didn 't involve sunshine , palm trees and cocktails on the beach , but after some convincing , I was actually looking forward to this getaway with my friends . Our trip to Crystal Springs ( just the 5 of us ) was so enjoyable , I really thought this would be a nice way for us all to bond some more and a great excuse for Teresa to get some quality friend / family time in before Joe leaves . What a shame that it had to go the way that it did . I felt so uncomfortable on this trip and I just wanted to protect my friends from getting hurt and / or into trouble … and then get the hell back to Jersey . For crying out loud , we are all adults ; high school was over YEARS ago . I don 't want to partake in any gossip or B . S . - I just want to have a good time with my friends . I work so hard everyday to make sure my kids are respectful and behave - I really have no tolerance for adults who act this way . I was shocked . At this point of my RHONJ journey , I 'd like to remind everyone that I don 't have a magic wand . I can 't force people to behave the way I think they should behave . In all my years as a relationship expert , I 've only been able to find success with parties who are willing and able to participate and really want to do everything they can in their power to make it work . I love providing people with the tips and tools to revive their relationships , but again , I am not a magician ; it ALWAYS takes two to tango . I 'm starting to feel like I 'm in the " swimming pool " waiting for people to join me . However , some want to stay where it 's shallow and others keep diving into the deep end - if they truly want to make it work , they 're going to have to swim the distance and meet in the middle . If not , they can keep treading water , but they 're going nowhere , and it 's exhausting . I 've said it before , and I 'll say it again … TIMING IS EVERYTHING ! ! ! This applies to a lot of the relationship turmoil that 's happening during this season of the RHONJ . I 'm so happy to offer my relationship expertise to anyone who 's willing to listen , but unfortunately , I 'm not a magician ! Ideally , I 'd love to see everyone back together as one big happy family . It 's heartbreaking to see relationships not getting back to where and what they used to be , but it 's important to keep in mind that EVERYONE has a lot going on in their own lives that 's more important to them at the moment ; it 's just not a priority for some to mend broken relationships , and that 's ok . Kathy and Jacqueline have a lot going on with their own children and Teresa is trying to get in as much family time as possible in the short time between her arrival home and Joe 's departure . ( Can you imagine the stress ? ) One person can handle only so much emotionally . The timing just isn 't right to work things out . There is a big difference between making up with a brother and making up with a cousin . I 'm sure Teresa and Joe 's parents had a lot to do with bringing them back together - they undoubtedly encouraged them to get along - and I 'm sure the children know how much it meant to their parents that they works things out . If the cousins ' parents aren 't on board with them mending their relationship , it makes it a lot harder for the kids to reconcile . Richie 's comment certainly didn 't help the situation at all , but knowing Richie , he didn 't intend to cause any harm . Sometimes we say things in the heat of the moment that we don 't mean . Someone who was open to my advice and took it : Melissa ! Melissa and Joe have such a strong marriage ; I love watching them interact with each other . There is a mutual respect there and a true bond . At the end of the day , they just want to make each other happy . I 'm so glad Melissa took my advice and that it 's working for them . Some relationships are easy to fix , some take a little time , some may be past the point of repairing . It all comes down to : is it worth it to you at the moment to put in the effort ? Down the road , when and if the timing is just right , I hope that this entire cast can get along again . Although it doesn 't look like it 's going to be anytime soon , I 'm not counting any of these relationships out yet … and neither should you . I finally had a chance to sit down with Andy Cohen on Watch What Happens Live , and I had the BEST time ! I also really enjoyed chatting with Caroline Manzo ; she 's my kind of woman - she 's no - B . S . and she 's not afraid to call things as she sees them . I loved that we didn 't necessarily agree on everything we talked about , but we respected each other 's opinions . One thing we absolutely can agree on - we 're both great moms ! I was given the opportunity to join the cast of the RHONJ because I am loud and I am opinionated ; I also happen to be a Relationship Expert who isn 't afraid to admit that my own relationships can use a little tweaking here and there . ( NO ONE IS PERFECT . NO RELATIONSHIP IS PERFECT . Anyone who says theirs is , is full of sh * t . ) It was always my intention to use my expertise to bring unity to this passionate group of people that , despite all of their differences , believes in the power of FAMILY as much as I do . I really hope that all of the struggling relationships on the show can be mended ; it 's so sad to watch families and long - lasting friendships fall apart . It 's so important to consider that a lot of these issues have been present for a long time ( as the viewers have seen ) and EVERYONE involved has a lot of extra stressful things going on in their lives ; the timing may just not be right . I hope they can all find it in their hearts to eventually forgive each other ; I wouldn 't count any of these relationships out just yet . People evolve and want different things out of life , and that 's OK ! Don 't give up on your fairytale if things change a little bit - embrace the new chapter that 's being written ! If you want your relationship to work , don 't be afraid of fine - tuning here and there . Even a Relationship Expert 's relationships aren 't always ideal ! If you 've been watching , you know that I 've really been struggling with my changing relationship with my son , Joshua . He 's growing up so quickly right before my eyes ; it hurts my heart to think that he doesn 't need me so much anymore . I love being a Mom to my children more than anything in the whole world . I know that I need to find balance and boundaries for Joshua 's sake . This is OUR new chapter - my new normal - and it 's the right time for me to finally embrace it . There 's no denying that what you see is what you get with Siggy Flicker . During the Six Day War , my mother went into labor with me in a BOMB SHELTER in Israel . From the very beginning of my life , everything I do , I do in a BIG way ! Big mouth . Big dreams . Big heart . I made them my living ! ! ! My career as a Relationship Expert brings me so much joy and keeps me constantly busy . All relationships take work and , just like a car , they need maintenance . Even though we are deeply in love , Michael and I benefit from some fine - tuning here and there , too . Speaking of Michael - although quick , he finally made his first RHONJ appearance ! ! ! We had so much fun celebrating Teresa and her new book in NYC . I wish her continued success in everything she does in life ! May Teresa always know her worth - may you ALL always know how valuable you are ! ! ! I will do anything to support my family and my friends , especially my best girlfriend for life , Dolores . Through thick and thin , I 'll always be by her side . When Dolores hurts , I hurt . My heart absolutely broke for her when she lost her Boo . I wish I could 've done more to ease her pain , but I was content just to snuggle up in bed with her and let her know I 'm always there for her . Whether it 's mourning the lost of her beloved Boo , or helping her figure out her finances , I 'm there to help her . Dolores is well on her way to being independent of any man , and getting her bills in order was a crucial part of the process . Independence for Dolores is great … it 's my children 's independence that I 'm clearly having a rough time dealing with . It 's funny how I 've raised my kids to be successful on their own , and now that it 's really starting to happen , it 's my worst nightmare come true ! ! ! Josh getting his license has been a very difficult pill for me to swallow . My kids have been my world since they came into my life . I soak up every minute with them that I possibly can . I love driving Josh and Sophie wherever they need to go because it 's quality time we spend together and a great opportunity for me to find out what 's going on in their lives . What else can I say ? I 'm a Jewish Mother - I can 't help being all over my kids ! It 's so important to surround yourself with people who want the best for you , and who you can root for in return . Getting rid of the toxic people in your life is crucial if you want to be able to reach your fullest potential . Life is too short to put up with anyone 's B . S . Did this week 's episode of the RHONJ go as you thought it would ? I have to admit that I was a little nervous myself about what to expect during our little getaway to Crystal Springs . Jacqueline and I calmed each other 's nerves by acting like a bunch of teenagers during our drive . We snacked on Cracker Jacks ( did you like Jacqueline 's teeth ? ) and we had a Bazooka Bubble Gum contest to see how much gum we could shove in our mouths . The beginning of our spa getaway started out with a little tension between Teresa and Jacqueline , but thankfully it ended up being an incredible bonding experience for all of us . During this quick trip , I really got to know all of the girls better , and for the first time I got to see Teresa 's endearing side . It was lovely to see Teresa and Jacqueline enjoy each other 's company and not bring up the past . How can you move forward if you keep bringing up what 's already happened ? It 's not easy to break through walls that others put up , especially when both sides are going through unimaginably tough times . One thing the five of us have in common is that we 've all made it through difficult times ; we are all SURVIVORS . We have all pulled through , and will continue to pull through whatever life throws at us . Michael and I weren 't always financially comfortable - in fact , we were the complete opposite when I first met him and we fell in love . I adore my husband for who he is , what he stands for , and the fact that he loves me for ME - all the rest that has followed has been icing on the cake for us . The decision to divorce Mark was a tremendous risk that I was willing to take to find my own happiness . The beginning wasn 't easy , and I am beyond thankful that I had the support of my parents to help me through . My Mom and Dad gave up their home to move in with the kids and me so we could maintain as much normalcy as possible . Because of them , I was able to head back to work as a Matchmaker in Manhattan , doing what I always loved to do . During these years , I ran the tri - state area 's Model Quality Introductions - the largest matchmaking company in the country . I know my ticket into Heaven is going to be the fact that I 've brought thousands of people together and am responsible for the births of hundreds of babies ! I 've also written a book , Write Your Own Fairy Tale , where I share some of my greatest relationship advice . You see , by giving up my lifestyle and everything I was comfortable with , I found true happiness - and I 've helped so many others find their happiness as well . I 'm proof that if you 're willing to take risks in life , beautiful things can happen ! My experiences are my expertise ! ! ! Michael and I just returned from dropping his daughter , Olivia , off at college . We got her all set up for her freshman year of college , and I must say , it felt so good to feel needed and do what I do best : be a Mom . As you can tell from recent episodes , I 'm really having a hard time adjusting to my kids growing up and not needing me as much anymore . This year was the first year I didn 't go back - to - school shopping with Joshua ; he wanted to go with his friends . Ugh ! I had to turn around when he told me so he didn 't see the tears in my eyes . Joshua is entering his senior year of high school , and I do understand that he 's at an age now where he wants to be independent ; that 's really one of my goals in raising my children , but it still stings when they don 't want to hang around me as much . Not only do I do my best to raise independent children , I also want nothing more than for them to be kind , appreciative , respectful and accepting of all people and religions . In this week 's episode I mentioned that after my divorce , I let a lot of my family 's traditions slide , and put them on the backburner after meeting Michael . Although Michael is half - Jewish , we 've really concentrated on his Italian heritage . Sadly , Michael lost both of his parents - his Mom to cancer when he was 16 , and his hero , his Father , to Lou Gehrig 's Disease 9 years ago this month . I 've worked with Michael to keep his family 's traditions going , especially the ones he holds dearest to his heart : Christmas , cooking and Sunday pasta dinner . Michael makes the BEST lasagna and takes pleasure in making 65 meatballs for 7 people ! I 've realized lately that I 've been so busy making sure that Michael 's traditions were kept alive , I 've let some of my family 's traditions slide . As everyone gets older , the time we all spend together is decreasing and I figured there 's no better way to make the family closer again than by bringing back some of our family traditions . Kiddush is a great place to start ! Putting the phones down for a couple hours was tough at first for all , but so worth it . Family traditions are always great to bring back , but some things are better left in the past and shouldn 't be brought up ever again . Do you know what I 'm referring to ? That 's right - the ever - present feud between Jacqueline and Teresa . I love them both dearly and want nothing more than for the two of them to get back to the friendship they once had . However , just like with all relationships , if you harp on the past , you 'll never be able to move forward . This week 's episode of RHONJ was an emotional one for me to watch . Not only did I cry watching my interaction with my children , it was difficult for me to see my puffy face on TV - OMG , I looked like the elephant man ! ! ! It took a while for the swelling to go down after my facelift , and I 'm thankful that 's all over with . Now , let 's move on to more important things … Back in Jersey . I think that my kids and I made a huge breakthrough during our trip to the diner . I 've been really doing my best to tone down the talking and listen more to what Josh and Sophie have to say . However , there certainly won 't be any caving on my end when it comes to my parenting beliefs and doling out some tough love , when necessary . Even though my ex - husband , Mark , and I get along very well ( in case you didn 't already know , he was the Best Man in my wedding to Michael ) , being divorced parents isn 't easy . I 'm sure many single moms can relate to the fact that , since the kids spend the majority of their time in my home , I find myself being the main disciplinarian and the one who gets to do most of the parental " dirty work " . Mark wants to enjoy the time he has with them , so there aren 't chores and many rules at his home , which I honestly can 't blame him for . Because of this , I find myself often being the " bad guy " . If that 's the way it has to be for now , so be it . Here 's hoping one day Josh and Sophie will understand where I 'm coming from and appreciate everything that I 've done for them . When my children are parents one day , l have confidence that that they 'll understand why I 've taken phones away and prohibited them from doing certain things they think are " cool " at this age . To me , a good education is the most important thing ; hanging out with your friends and knowing what they 're doing every second of each day is NOT going to get them into a good college . I want my children to be independent and not rely on anyone else for money or security ; making schoolwork a priority is the key to making this happen . Being a parent is finding the fine line between letting our kids figure things out for themselves , but also not wanting them to make the same " mistakes " we 've made along the way . I 'm still learning ; we 're always learning . Michael and I are still enjoying our delayed honeymoon in Italy and I 'm in heaven ! Is there a Real Housewives of Italy ? If so , SIGN ME UP ! I 'm never coming home . Just teasing - of course I 'm coming home to Jersey ! ! ! Although Italy is PURE BLISS , I miss my kids way too much . Joshua and Sophie are my WORLD . No matter what 's going on in my life , my kids will always trump everything else . I love them so much ; I 'm OBSESSED with them . Michael and I are so fortunate to be able to provide our kids with amazing opportunities , but we both refuse to raise spoiled , entitled children . We 've worked so hard for everything we have , and we want them to know how important it is that they always do the same . I expect nothing less than hard - working , respectful kids who have their priorities in the right order . As you saw on this week 's episode , I 'm on top of my kids . Whether I 'm in bed or filming for Wendy Williams , I always know where my kids are and who they 're with . Being a parent is quite a struggle nowadays , don 't you think ? In our town , there 's a sign that reads : Those who host lose the most . I don 't take this lightly . This is why I find my kids - despite creating an amazing spot for them and their friends to hang out - - don 't want to be at my house all the time . ( Come on ! Who doesn 't want to hang out with " The Sig " ? ? ? ? ) I don 't like sneaky - I 'm an open and honest person with everyone I know and meet . Which leads me to my conversation with Teresa when we went rock climbing . Can you believe I asked her that ? I CAN ! That 's how I roll , take it or leave it . I believe in open , honest relationships - what better way to start a relationship than with an open and honest question ? Teresa is a very intelligent and intuitive woman ; she knew that I meant no harm asking her that question . I hope all of my girlfriends know that they can come to me anytime with anything they need - whether it 's a relationship related issue or not . Michael and I are FINALLY enjoying a honeymoon after four years of marriage ! I couldn 't think of a better place to take a break from all of the craziness and celebrate " us " ! We have so much to reflect on and be grateful for . and now here we are - blessed beyond our wildest dreams ! We are proof that if you believe in and value yourself , you believe in the power of love , and you WORK HARD , anything is possible . Without a doubt , writing a book was an amazing accomplishment ( if you haven 't read Write Your Own Fairytale yet , please order it ! It 's a labor of love that will CHANGE YOUR LOVE LIFE ) , and being a part of RHONJ is an UNBELIEVABLE experience . But more than anything , our tight - knit , supportive FAMILY is our greatest achievement yet . The Flicker / Campanella clan is unique and unbreakable ! I 'm proud to say that my ex - husband , Mark , and I always put our children first ; we hang out together , vacation together - he was even the Best Man in my wedding to Michael . I can 't put into words how much I appreciate him for the greatest gifts I have ever been given ; our daughter , Sophie , and our son , Joshua . I hope that I can bring my passion for unifying people and my love of life and laughter to this season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey ; this was my main goal in joining the cast . As a viewer , I felt that the show had become so negative and dark - " The Sig " isn 't here to bring drama or to compete with anyone . I 'm here to bring some more fun to the show and bring everyone together again , baby ! I hope I can give you all some good laughs along the way , while changing into my UGG slippers and loving on " my " Dolores . The RHONJ wouldn 't be where it is today if it wasn 't for the OG 's . I really admire their strength and their unconditional love for their families - traits that have been passed down to all of us , whether you 're Italian or a Jew like me . 😉 Which reminds me … I 'm on my honeymoon in Italy ! See you next week .
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This is a gay , Christian woman . I first stumbled upon her last summer when I downloaded her book " The Love Warrior " from Audible and listened to it as I walked 5 miles a day in the Southern Utah heat . So when she talked about the " hot yoga " class , I kind of got it . Then when she got to the chapter on the pain she felt when she found out her husband was cheating on her . Wow . I lived in this book . It only took about three days of walks to finish it , but the thoughts lasted far beyond my daily walks and even months afterward . Then I got busy with other things and kind of forgot about her . Until I again stumbled upon her today in the form of this talk . And was like " Wow ! Christians aren 't supposed to even support gay people , much less BE gay people . " I have never , ever cried when I heard a non - LDS person talk about Christ . I LOVE Mother Teresa but her books don 't make me cry . Then when this gay , Christian woman said " There is no Resurrection without the Crucifixion " , I can tell you that I felt the Spirit tell me it 's true . I cried . Right here at my computer . When she first started talking about Christ at the end of this talk , it seemed disrespectful . I was a little bit uncomfortable . But THEN , WOW ! She loves the Savior . And she 's gay . WHAT ? ? ? ? Is that even possible ? And then you realize , " Well , duh . That is EXACTLY what being a Christian is . " Accepting EVERY single person on this earth . Gay , straight , black , white , alcoholic , teetotaler , even these damn neglectful or even abusive parents I have to deal with in my work as a DCFS caseworker . We have a chance here to REALLY be like Christ . Not just go through the motions that religion teaches us . But really like emulate Him . Let 's all just do that , OK ? If you 're a Christian , be Christ - like . That would be a way cool world to live in . Posted by Today 's Political Post So , last week , I changed my Voter registration from " Republican " to " Unaffiliated " . I 'm not even sure it matters , except that it matters to me . I 'm finally , at 49 years of age , thinking for myself . In lots of areas . Politics being one of them . I 'm not really a Democrat either , and I 'm still more conservative than I am liberal . But my thoughts aren 't 100 % in line with every single policy the Republican party represents . And I 'm most definitely not 100 % in line with Donald Trump . That being said , the yearbook staff at a high school in New Jersey allegedly edited the above picture when the yearbook was printed . The same staff also failed to print a senior student 's chosen statement because it was a Trump quote . I couldn 't find anything about this on Snopes , but just assuming that its true . . This is not OK . Unless it 's vulgar or offensive , high school yearbook editors don 't get to impose censorship . Posted by He is the image I have always had of a social worker . Two months ago , I became a social worker myself . And I get it . I 'm BARELY into this job and I already feel like this guy . Social workers see people at the LOWEST points of their lives . Day in and day out . Staten James Allred On Tuesday , March 22 . 2017 , my daughter - in - law Kieonah gave birth to my 3rd grandson , Staten James Allred . Staten was born at 10 : 57 PM , weighing 7 lbs 15 ounces , 21 1 / 4 inches long . His name was chosen for Staten Island , because my son Tyler met his wife Kieonah when they were both serving as missionaries for the LDS church in the New York New York North mission . Kieonah had invited me to be in the room with her when she delivered the baby , and while I was honored that she asked , I really didn 't think I wanted to be there . Her Mom would be there , Tyler would be there , and I just wasn 't sure I should . But once her contractions started , I knew I couldn 't leave . It was an amazing experience , watching this teeny little girl go through 15 hours of labor to bring my son 's son into this world . Every time a contraction started , she reached for Tyler 's hand . And hour after hour , his hand was there for her . My kids drove 6 hours to be there , and seeing them hold Ty 's baby was a moment I will never forget . Rogue was fascinated that there is someone littler than him . I think they will be good friends as they grow up . Ken was amazing . He waited in this tiny waiting room all 15 hours , going out for food when Ty needed something . We are so blessed to have Ken in our lives . And now I 'm excited to watch my youngest child raise his own family . Life is good : ) Posted by The Only Constant is Change About 8 months ago , I started commuting 3 hours each way twice a month to tend my two grandbabies , Riken and Rogue , while their Mom and Dad worked . It was SO good for me ! ! I loved the time I spent with them , I loved the weather in La Verkin , and I even loved the drive . I listened to Audible books and seriously just got into a routine that worked for all of us . I missed my husband for the 14 days a month I was away from him , but we FaceTimed two or three times a day , and it was OK . He would go down to La Verkin on the weekends when he could , spoil the grandkids and hang out with me . Then my son - in - law got a BIG promotion at work . Schedules changed , the dynamic changed , and although I continued being their Nanny , it was just different . I had a feeling that even bigger changes would be coming , so one Sunday night , I decided to just look at the Workforce Services website IN CASE my days of nannyhood were coming to an end . I came across a job announcement for a caseworker at DCFS , about 60 miles from my home in Ephraim . I got my Bachelor 's degree two years ago and haven 't really done anything with it , so I decided to just go ahead and apply for the job . It closed at midnight on the very day I pulled up the job description , and I finished the online application at about 10 : 30 that night . The next morning , as I was headed to La Verkin to tend the boys , Tammy from DCFS called my cell phone and we set up a job interview for the following Tuesday . So I had a week to prepare for the interview . And prepare I did ! I had little recipe cards where I would write a common job interview question on the front and key points I wanted to hit in my answer on the back of the card . I studied those cards for hours each day . I was SO prepared . Got my roots done on Saturday , got a blessing from Ken on Monday , and headed to the interview on Tuesday . The candidate before me was a young guy , early 20 's , full of vim and vigor , confidence and poise . But I held the tentative grip I had on my own self - confidence , and gave them answers that highlighted what would make me a good candidate . . . . my 15 years experience as a Primary President , Counselor and teacher , my blue qualities of compassion and empathy , the fact that if I were hired , I 'd be there to stay for the rest of my working life . Which , ironically , is 20 years to full Social Security retirement age , and Utah state retirement benefits also happen after 20 years . They called Wednesday and offered me the job ! I start on April 3 . I go into this knowing full well that it will not be a " feel good at the end of the day " type of career . I will see some heartbreaking situations with children who deserve better , and parents who want to do better but are limited by circumstances or addiction . I will have to rely on the mentors I find in the field , and on my own training and life experiences . I 'll be making great money , get great benefits , and make a difference to the people with whom I come in contact . Posted by My son - in - law 's little brother , Dallen , left his broken body and passed on to the other side last week . His mom , Amy , broke my heart at the funeral . Even though it 's a blessing for him and for her , really , she loves her little boy and she has been his lifeline for his entire life , feeding him through a tube , bathing and changing him . She will miss his constant presence by her side . Amy is a very special person . Dallen was a very special person . There is so much love in this family . Posted by Perennial Partners So I restarted my " lifestyle change " this past week . I was really , really good last January - May , losing 28 pounds . I 've gained about 11 of it back , so I determined this past week to get back on track . Part of that means I walk 5 miles each morning . I listen to " Audible " books while I walk , and this week , I 'm listening to " Love Warrior " by Glennon Doyle Melton . Wow . This is a very powerful book . I am currently in the middle of a chapter that I can really relate to . Glennon is trying to decide whether or not to divorce her husband . They have three young children . Glennon talks about her thoughts on love , and says that maybe some loves are perennials . They go through the hardships of winter , but still bloom again . And some loves are annuals . They just don 't survive winter . Those loves , however , became a part of the soil that makes future loves grow . I LOVE this ! ! ! No love is ever wasted . Either it will last forever , or it will help provide the base for future love . Yeah , this was really powerful to me . I think mine is perennial . We haven 't had a really tough winter in the 5 years we 've been married , but I think we could handle it . I hope so . Posted by It happened again last week . Someone who seemed OK committed suicide by hanging . She was close to my age . Mom . Grandma . Wife . Sister . Friend . I first met her when I coached her twin boys in tee ball almost twenty years ago . As the boys got older , we had to start traveling to baseball tournaments . I thought it was weird that she would never stay in hotels . Once we were at a weekend tournament three hours from home . She and her husband attended the Friday games , drove all the way home to sleep and drove back for the Saturday games . She told me then that she never stayed in hotels because she couldn 't be sure how clean they were . Now I know that this lady has been suffering from debilitating anxiety and depression for probably her whole ( too short ) life . I get it . I was finally diagnosed with anxiety in 2007 and I 'm usually fairly well controlled on medication . Though not always . When depression sneaks in , I absolutely have suicidal thoughts . But my husband has helped me understand the permanent damage caused to those left behind . He has three stepkids from his former marriage who lost their dad to suicide when they were young . I only know one of the kids well and she is really damaged emotionally thirty years later . So I think I 'm pretty committed to NOT taking my own life no matter how low I get . Not everyone can make that commitment though . After four years of collegiate Psychology courses and many years of having my own mental health issues as well as a deep family history of mental illness , I have my own thoughts about why someone who is loved and supported would take that final step . When I 'm in a panic attack , the world shrinks down to just me . That must be compounded 1000 fold for someone in a suicidal crisis . It 's not that they 're selfish , like many people say . It 's that they literally cannot think of their parents , spouses , siblings or children in that moment . The world becomes very small in a mental crisis . I 've been thinking about how common hanging has become . It used to be that men killed themselves wiTina The 2016 Election is In the Books So this guy is the President - Elect of the United States . Donald J . Trump has spent his life making and spending money , doing reality TV stints , and really just doing whatever he wanted to do because he has billions of dollars . He is certainly not the candidate that most of us thought would end up in the White House . When we left work Tuesday afternoon , we thought that we would wake up Wednesday to a nation where we had elected the first female President in history , Hillary Clinton . And it didn 't happen . As I watched the results come in Tuesday night , I was in shock like everyone else . Clinton never had the electoral lead throughout the night . Finally at 3 : 00 AM Eastern , Donald Trump was announced the winner . I stayed up for every minute of the whole thing . I didn 't really think I cared . In fact , I stated here on my blog that I wasn 't going to vote at all . But I voted . Independent candidate Evan McMullin came into the mix and one of my friends started a conversation about him on facebook that REALLY got me thinking . I researched McMullin , I entertained the possibility that he could actually win in a few states and force both Trump and Clinton to fall short of the needed 270 electoral votes . I had conversations with people about what a third party vote would actually mean , and if it was a " thrown away " vote . I learned a lot about the political process this year , about the implications of voting for one candidate or the other , or even for a third choice . The future of our nation depends on so much more than which individual is elected President . If we only looked at candidates as individuals , issues aside , it was an impossible choice between Trump and Clinton . They 're not likable people at all . They 're not warm and fuzzy . We wouldn 't want to be friends with either of them and we don 't have a burning love for their families , like our nation did for the Kennedy clan . Barack and Michelle Obama , sure . They 're friendly and seem approachable . The first Mrs Bush wore her pearls and seemed like a Mom , Grandma or even a favorite Aunt . This year , our candidates were loud , boisterous and in - your - face defensive about their own individual weaknesses . So , in elections we have to consider factors other than if we " like " the guy ( or gal ) . If a particular candidate is elected , who will sit on the Supreme Court , who will be the advisors to the President , who will fill the Cabinet ? These are all questions we should be asking ourselves and taking more seriously in any election year . Obviously , you don 't know during election season who will be appointed by any Presidential candidate to fill the Cabinet , but you can get a general idea about the kind of people it will be . Bernie Sanders ? Ben Carson ? You know that with an open seat , the next Supreme Court justice will be either a Republican or a Democrat based on who wins the Presidential election . So the vote this year had long - term consequences for our nation . And now it 's over . A lot of things were interesting to me in this election . I traveled through rural Pennsylvania two weeks ago and saw hundreds of " Trump / Pence " campaign signs in yards , on the sides of the road and so forth . I was in the heart of Amish country . I was surprised to learn that the Amish people are respected members of their communities , and very surprised to learn that they are actively involved in politics . They don 't drive , so they have neighbors drive them to polling locations . And they do vote . Just after I returned from vacation , I read an article that said Amish voters nationwide had pledged their support to Trump . On Tuesday night , the election came down to a close race for Pennsylvania , which eventually went to Donald Trump . Trump took Ohio . Pennsylvania and Ohio are the two states with the greatest concentration of Amish people in our nation . Though Trump seems like a buffoon , campaigning hard in Amish country was a brilliant move . I don 't actually know the number of Amish American citizens , but I do know that there are 35 , 000 in Lancaster County alone . Enough to make a difference . I 'm not sure we can give Trump credit for the brilliant campaign move in Pennsylvania though . Credit his campaign manager Kellyanne Conway . Trump has definitely shown misogynistic tendencies over the years , yet he trusted this woman with his campaign . Go figure . I think we underestimated just how deep the distrust of Secretary Clinton goes , among voters . She has the political experience to be the President of the United States . Trump has NONE . Maybe that helped him . Maybe people are so tired of politics that they elected a non - politician hoping for the " change " that we 've been promised for decades from Washington . Under Obama , we were getting very close to Socialism . Maybe people want a return to Capitalism . Who is more of a capitalist than Donald Trump ? The results of this election will be talked about for centuries . This election will change the course of America . Whether that is for good or bad , or some of both , is yet to be seen . What I hope is that we see some significant changes to the " Affordable Care Act ' which has not been affordable for most Americans . I hope we see some sort of protection for the millions of Americans who are planning on getting their Social Security contributions back when they retire . I hope we see a robust economy . I hope people go out and get jobs , pay fair taxes and maybe even enjoy a little prosperity again . That 's what we all need . Posted by Last week , I alluded to the fact that I 've been kind of inactive in church lately . Since July , when I started commuting three hours to La Verkin from Ephraim twice a month , it 's been difficult to get to Sunday meetings at either location . Sunday is my travel day , coming and going . I got released as the Primary President from my home ward in Ephraim in July , and , to be honest , it 's been really nice to NOT have a church calling . I know that 's not really cool to say , but it 's the truth . My life is kind of crazy right now and it 's a relief to not have one more thing to worry about , getting a sub or whatever if I can 't be to church . So I started kind of justifying my inactivity , thinking I was getting kind of irritated that the church promotes family values , but people with church callings spend SO MUCH time away from their families , it seemed like a contradiction . I 'm not sure I 'm opposed to gay marriage . I 've been really passionate about the missionaries who come home early lately . I 've talked to the Mom of a young man who came home early , and talked at length with a young woman who came home early , and it seems as if the church just drops these kids off at home and promptly forgets about them . The church doesn 't offer mental health counseling , medical care or any sort of follow up for them . I 'm pretty upset about that . But last weekend was general conference , and I was particularly moved , as I always am , by Dieter F Uchtdorf during the Women 's session . https : / / www . lds . org / general - conference / 2016 / 10 / fourth - floor - last - door ? lang = eng When I hear him speak , there is just no doubt in my mind that he believes what he is telling us . I haven 't had a chance to watch the remaining sessions of conference yet , but I will this week , now that I 'm back up here in Ephraim . So , anyway , I just really wanted to go to church yesterday . I was in La Verkin , so I went to that ward for just the third time . And loved it . A Grandpa gave a name and a blessing to his newborn granddaughter , and he blessed her to have " A good self image throughout her life " . Ah , I LOVED that . I have heard a lot of baby blessings , and I don 't recall ever hearing that phrase in any of them . But what better gift can a young girl receive ? Yeah , I loved it . So I guess , even though I 'm kind of sporadic in my church attendance right now , being a Latter Day Saint is not just a habit from my childhood . This is where I fit , for the most part . I 'm not perfect , and I don 't agree with every single minute detail that every other Mormon on earth believes , but I really do believe in eternal marriage and the power of the Priesthood , which are the only two aspects of the church that differ significantly from any other Christian church 's teachings . Posted by Lesser of Evils ? I tend to go for so long between blog posts that I have multiple topics to blog about once I finally sit down to do it . Today , I 'm thinking about Early Returning LDS missionaries , my own recent inactivity in the LDS church , racial tension and the upcoming presidential election . The presidential election is the least emotionally intense topic , so I 'll focus on it . Just over a year ago , when Donald Trump first announced his intention to run as President , I joked with my friend , a staunch Democrat , " So , we could theoretically have a Presidential election between Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton ? " as if it were the biggest joke in the world and would never really happen . There are far too many qualified Republicans in this nation to ever have a crass , bigoted , non - politician like Trump make it to the actual election . I didn 't think our nation was ready for a female President , so I thought Clinton would be out of the running early on . Yet here we are . I 've been a registered Republican for years , so as such , have hated all things Clinton . I 've also been a human being for years , so as such , have hated all things Trump . Where does that leave me ? People have recommended writing - in someone like Mitt Romney . Yeah , that 's all fine and good , but A . He lost the election as an ACTUAL candidate , so certainly would not get enough write - in votes to win an election , and B . He didn 't run again , so he doesn 't even WANT the job if he did miraculously get it . People have recommended a vote for the Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson , so I read the Libertarian platform . Aside from the fact that the wording is unprofessional , the Libertarian platform is unrealistic . I haven 't even considered Stein from the Green Party because they focus so much on climate change that other important issues are an afterthought . So I took a look at issues like Social Security . My husband will retire in 9 years . Yes , we have SOME money put away in a retirement account , but not enough to sustain us if we were to live 20 - 30 years past retiremeJohnson has become infamous for not knowing the name of the Syrian city Aleppo . I forgave him for that . Yesterday he was asked what world leader he admires and he couldn 't think of one , so he said " I guess I 'm having an Aleppo moment . " Oh my gosh . Really ? Unforgivable . You 're running for President of the United States . You probably ought to be familiar with other world leaders . Trump doesn 't even apologize for his derogatory comments about women , foreigners or anyone else who happens to be on his insult radar that day . He simply justifies or denies his comments . He is SO offensive that I 'd be concerned about international relations with this guy at the helm . Even if he were qualified to lead the free world , he doesn 't have the poise or social skills to do so effectively . He is the unattractive poster child for Capitalism . THIS is what we aspire to ? This guy lives the American dream . We could all be him ! ! Do we want to tell our children " You can be a billionaire ! You can even be President of the United States ! Like Donald Trump ! " Fortunately , there were better role models for my children when they were growing up . So that leaves me with Hillary Clinton . 4 more years of Obamacare . Americans have the lowest home ownership percentage and highest percentage of food stamp usage in recent history . Democrats foster a sense of entitlement in people . People don 't want to work , just collect unemployment and welfare benefits . Just the fact that I want to receive social security benefits puts me in that category . If Trump is the poster child for Capitalism , then Clinton is for Socialism . It takes a village and all that . I 'm abstaining this time . People always say " If you don 't vote , then you can 't complain about who is elected . " I won 't complain . I don 't want any of them in the White House . Why complain about whoever it is , when the alternative could have been even worse ? Posted by On May 22 , 2016 , my daughter Ashli gave birth to my second grandbaby , Rogue Dallen Brown . 6 pounds 13 ounces , 20 inches long , he is a perfect baby . I love him so much . Big brother Riken wasn 't thrilled with his arrival , but got used to him and even started kissing his forehead once in a while . About a month after Rogue was born , our family friend Kellen Nielsen committed suicide . It was devastating for all of us . 29 years old . Seemed to have everything going for him . The Nielsens are a loved and respected family in Nephi , and Kellen 's death was so hard for so many people , myself included . He didn 't die immediately and I cried buckets of tears during the week that he spent in the hospital , putting myself in his Mom 's position , and putting my sons in Kellen 's brothers ' positions . It hit really close to home . During that week , Ashli asked me if I would be willing to be Riken and Rogue 's nanny when she goes back to work next week . I have a job that I LOVE , but I truly am not going anywhere in this position . I 've kept the same job , working for $ 12 . 00 an hour , 25 hours a week , even after I got my Bachelor 's degree . I 've applied for a few full - time positions at work , but haven 't gotten them , so it 's not like I 'm really going to be missed or hard to replace . But a Grandma ? Yeah , grandmas are missed and hard to replace . So I 've decided to do it . I will travel 3 hours to Ashli 's house to be her live - in Nanny while she and Mack both work 7 days on / 7 off . On their 7 days off , I will come home and be with Ken . He can 't retire for about 9 years , so he has to stay here and work in Ephraim for a while . I 'm going to miss him SO much . We haven 't spent more than a night apart ever since we got married . Even when he 's had surgery , I sleep in his hospital room . So I will miss Ken , but I already miss Riken and Rogue every single day , and Kellen 's death just made it so much more acute for me . We have to take every moment we can to be with our loved ones . Nothing else matters as much as that . I desperately want to be a part of my grandkTina The Moments I Live For So , yeah , having kids that live in St George means that summer starts like three months earlier than we 're used to : ) We spent the weekend at the OUTDOOR pool in FEBRUARY in La Verkin . WHAT ? ? ? Mack made some awesome outdoor Yahtzee dice . 7 months pregnant with her second son , Rogue , Ashli just soaks up the rays . Kenna keeps score : ) We love it when Mack cooks . This weekend we tried his grilled sweet potatoes for the first time . YUMMY ! My man : ) All of the kids have told us how great Dixie Rock is , so we finally hiked up there . It was AWESOME ! ! ! A couple days before Easter , Ashli and Riken came to Ephraim for a quick visit . Too quick , but it was good for my soul to see them : ) Haha . Ashli and I did our pedicures , so Riken filed his feet too . Easter egg hunt in Nana 's backyard . Lunch at Rodgers at the very table where Ashli told me she was pregnant with Riken four years ago : ) When Ashli and Riken left to go home , Riken and I both cried . I love this little guy more than I ever though possible . Posted by
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We 've officially entered birthday season in my family . My brother tried to kick things off with a birthday at the end of July , but it didn 't stick . The rest of us fall between the end of September and late November . This past weekend we found ourselves gathered together to celebrate a few of those memorable occasions . I 'll start this by saying a big happy birthday to my baby sister , Jeana , my sister in law Christina , my brother in law Denny , and my wonderful mother . It was predicted to be the party to end all parties ( drinking until you begged God to just kill you ) . I headed home to Iowa to hold my sister 's hair so she could vomit after too much while celebrating for her 30th . The day began with shopping for shoes without heels , because we 'd worn heels and decided that the lengthy day would be best served in flat shoes . I am not capable of buying shoes without a heel . I looked and looked , but couldn 't find a damn thing . Instead , I fell in love with these . I thought , what better shoe to have when you need to really dig into the ice ? Warm , gives the ass a nice lift , and check out the soles on those babies . Hot ! After deciding that very few people in my group would appreciate the beauty of these weapons hiking boots , I left them on the rack and proceeded to make my way with the girls down the strip mall to the various stores . The rest of the day proceeded as planned . Shopping was accomplished , drinks and snacks were consumed , and our feet were properly pedicured . By the time we finished with our family and friends dinner at Red Lobster , it was clear that the birthday girl would be having none of the party she had planned . The last great quote of the night was , " Julie , if you want to bar hop on the way back you can , but I 'm staying in the truck . " Alas , a bit of partying the night before had rendered our birthday girl down for the count before 8 PM . Turning 30 is a cruel joke . You still look young , but your recovery is much slower . There is still fun to be had though ! From the folks that brought you " He laid his wiener on it " I give you the Dennyisms of the weekend and other fun stuff . Vaginas for Jesus - My mother is a proud member of the First United Methodist Women of Southwest Iowa ( long name , eh ) . My brother in law has decided the name of the group should be shortened and changed to Vaginas for Jesus . We are waiting to see if Mom will call for a vote to change the name at their next meeting . Angie 's G - Spot - I drive a G6 . I cannot imagine how this came up in conversation , but Angie Come On Over ! Today I 'm covering up my Uncovered self and heading on over to SprocketInk to talk about giving a shit . Do you ? Could you ? Would you ? Let 's find out . Welcome to the office , Newbs ! Its fall , which means all of those high school and college grads are flowing into the workplace . It 's understandable that not everyone grasps the rules of office employment . Below is a list of very important tips for those who are entering the office life for the first time , or even for those who have worked there for a while now and don 't understand why they haven 't received that promotion they 've been aiming for . You may wish to print this and hand it out at meetings . 1 . Hickeys are not an accessory . Remember back in high school when your parents offered your boyfriend / girlfriend extra food so they would stop chewing on your neck ? Hickeys were stupid and looked disgusting then . They are completely unprofessional and revolting now . Have some class . This is the real world where your future is influenced by the people you meet on the way up . You look like a whore . There are a few positions in your future , but I doubt any of them are corporate . This is an office , not a fitness club . No yoga pants . Maybe they are black or dark grey , but they are not slacks / dress pants . We don 't allow men to come in in black sweat pants . You are not allowed to wear yoga pants on business casual days . Also , there is NO day when we should be able to see your under garments . White under white is almost as bad as black / red / blue under white . Your underwear playing peek - a - boo with the top of your pants isn 't acceptable either . Learn to dress . " It 's so expensive to feed a crowd ! " Yeah yeah . I see you with the Jimmy Johns every day . We 're asking you to make a salad or an appetizer . You don 't need to roast a pig for us . We have pot luck professionals that will out do any grand attempt you make . Stop whining about the cost and make a jello mold or something , ya lazy ass . Everyone forgets sometimes . If you 're a chronic offender , everyone knows your name . Don 't be a lazy mooch . Also , we have paper plates and plastic silverware . No one here is worried about that . We provide those things out of the main budget . You 're bringing something we already have . Lame . Broken hearts blow . There 's no easy fix . Do you know what I recommend ? Going to work . What are you going to do at home ? You 'll sit there and cry . Then you 'll eat junk food in some misguided attempt to fill the void that your lover has left . Then you 'll get fat and be sadder . Eventually , that will increase your illnesses and likely your use of our insurance plan . That raises everyone 's rates . Then we like you less . Don 't make us like you less . Just stop talking . We get it already . If you have a valid excuse ( death , illness , etc ) we simply need the very short version . The more you talk the more we are irritated that your absence is going to screw with everyone 's schedule and deadline . 7 . Children should be seen and not heard . We don 't mind you putting up pics of your kids . We do , however , get sick of hearing about them . Don 't blather on . If you want to do that shit , get a blog . 8 . The bathroom is not your personal phone booth . If I had a dollar for every time I have walked into the ladies room and straight into a verbal confrontation between some lady and her man I would have enough to get two pumpkin spice lattes . It doesn 't sound like a lot , but have you been to Starbucks lately ? Take that business to the car on your break . 9 . Save the pretty fonts and colors . In the name of all that is good and holy . I received an email today from a staffer that had 3 colors and the most God awful curly handwriting font in the signature . The body of the email was done in hot pink . If you expect me to take your request for my toilet paper , hand towels , soap , copies , or insurance paper work seriously you will use either black or dark blue on a white background in a plain font . I don 't want something that looks like it was written in crayon by someone who just learned how to write in cursive . Often these emails have to be escalated . Remember that . 10 . Above all , don 't be the reason for new rules . Many offices begin their lives with very lenient policies . There is a hope that since adults are being hired that adult behavior will be adhered to . When you notice there is a lax policy on attendance , dress code , time usage , etc . . . try to follow the rules of common courtesy . We don 't have a lot of rules . We create them as they become necessary . If you 're the reason for the rule , you will find yourself very unpopular . I hope these tips will help you become well liked in your current work place . If you obey all of these rules and people still don 't like you , it might be you . Posted by Good morning , kids ! I hope you all made it through the weekend without scrambling for bail money . In the event that you showed up here for some sort of weekend run down , you 're going to have to wait until tomorrow . Today I 'm over at SprocketInk talking about how Apple Corners the Market On Rectangularity . Go . Read . Learn something . Laugh a little . You deserve it . Heck you 've probably been awake 2 hours already . It 's break time ! I 'm an out of sight out of mind type girl . I forgot about the living room in my own home for 2 weeks straight because I didn 't walk through it or use it . I do , however , obsess about the things I can see . Take my phone for example . I check that far more than I should . If we dated in the past you can pretty much guarantee that your number is no longer in my phone . It 's not that we 're not friends . It 's not that I don 't want to talk to you . I just don 't need the temptation when I see your name . If you 've wondered why you haven 't heard from me in awhile , now you know . My daily life guy friends ( 3H ) expressed that they expect a certain level of crazy with every woman . Stereotype much ? I digress . They also agreed that the hotter the girl is , the more insanity they can expect . While I 'm not sure when this pattern was set for them , the three that I speak with most frequently all seem to agree that the crazier she is the better she will be in bed . ( Screeching halt ) " Whatever . You 're full of it . " I said . Then I saw this on Twitter : This explains so much ! Apparently Kim knows . It is an established fact . It 's even on the internet . # MustBeFact This does explain a lot about those guys who will continually chase after a hot girl that turns them on , turns them down , pulls them in , and then pushes them away . It seems like if she 's even slightly unhinged , her crazy factor will elevate her another rung on the ladder . As I write this , I 've just been informed by one of the 3H that the tweet above IS accurate . One of the H team said , " If she will stab someone with a fork you really have to see what she 'll do in bed . " Right on girl ! So what exactly does make a woman put up with crazy ? Love and / or low self - esteem seems to be the most common answer . I 've dated my fair share of men who played head games . The more distance I put between myself and those times in my life , the harder it is for me to determine if it was love or low self - esteem , but it was probably a combination of things . I 'm not alone in that either : Been there . It has taken me many years and many mistakes to get to where I am today . My choices in who I will date have improved by leaps and bounds . These days , I am more inclined to follow Jewels ' advice than to put up with the head games , no matter how good it promises to feel for a few minutes . Well said ! Have you ever dated or stayed with someone that played head games just because the sex was good ? Where is your line in the sand ? Posted by It 's not my job ! Daily Disclaimer : Today was supposed to be my post on the Crazy - Hot scale , but I 'm putting that off until the end of the week so I can do a little more research and adjust my settings to Scary Sexy . Instead , I am going to address something that has been on my mind the past few days because if I don 't say something in a big way , I might explode in rage . : ) My boss sometimes refers to me as his assistant . One of the client managers occasionally calls me the office manager . My actual job title , according to my business card , is Program Support Manager . I do daily reports to identify productivity and disposition reports for our sales and customer service teams . From time to time I do office shopping and order supplies . Also , I bring joy to everyone I meet . I do , dammit ! Friday a fellow female employee came to my desk to inform me that there was a spider the size of a house in the ladies room . I quickly dispelled any notion that my job responsibilities included spider extermination and advised her to either kill it herself or , failing that , find another co - worker willing to participate in her murderous plans . Delegate . That 's how I roll . The bathrooms are stocked with paper towels , liquid soaps , toilet tissue , and my favorite , Bed Head aerosol hairspray . Nothing stops a spider faster than freeze spray . I felt no need to educate these women on the many ways to stop a speeding spider . Live and learn girls . Probably like this , but I wouldn 't know because it 's not my damned job . Feeling I had safely side stepped the spider task , I went about the business of doing my reports and watching the clock to see , to the exact minute , how much longer I had left in my day . Sometime around 2 PM I was interrupted by yet another fellow breasted employee . " Tara said to let you know that something needs to be cleaned in the second stall . " In this case I had no one to delegate to . The supply closet at work is filled with all sorts of chemicals and paper products we don 't want open for all staff . You never know when someone might start supplementing their bonus with Angel Soft toilet paper , ya know ? Plus , we buy Bounty and Clorox and other name brand items . Those are really attractive products to steal . As a result , this room is locked and off limits . Obviously if we cannot trust people to keep their mitts off the toilet paper we definitely cannot give them access to the chemicals . What if they went on a cleaning rampage and eliminated all dirt from the facility ? ! The key code is known to management only . We 're such elitists . I am often charged with handling all requests for bathroom supplies when the ladies room is out of something . It 's annoying , but that 's what happens when you 're in a high ranking position . People WILL want your toilet paper . It 's only natural . While Sarah manages the Denver office single - handedly , I dare say she doesn 't want to come back and share this responsibility . I stood up , rolled my eyes , and let out a very long and pointed sigh . For the life of me I cannot figure out how women can have such nasty toilet habits . When you walk into a shared toilet do you not look before you sit down ? When you 're finished do you not turn around to make sure that things went down when you flushed ? It 's common courtesy , dammit ! If you noticed that you somehow managed to urinate on the seat ( yes , I know . . . WTF ? ) do you not wipe it off ? I made my way to the supply closet to get disposable gloves and bathroom cleaner , all the while making my displeasure known on the way through the office . " I swear to God if people cannot learn to clean up after themselves in the bathroom , they should be fired . How did they make it this far in life ? I 'm going to shoot someone . Maybe me . " Of course I followed this rant with a smile and skipped the rest of the way to the ladies room and swung the door open , ready to eliminate the filth in question . This has happened before . Someone will get pee on the seat , a skidder in the bowl , or even a smudge on the seat . Don 't ask me how . I don 't even want to imagine it . I was disgusted , but prepared . Unfortunately there is no way to prepare for the shock I received when I pulled open the door to the back stall . How in the hell did someone crap on the OUTSIDE of the toilet ? Seriously ? ! I can 't accuse anyone specifically for this offense . Obviously we don 't have cameras as that would be highly illegal . At first I thought , " How short does a person need to be in order to DO that ? " and then as I approached the toilet with my gloves on and foaming cleaner at arm 's length , I noticed the smear marks . I also noticed the rest of the toilet is pristine . I don 't think anyone had an " accident " . I think someone had an " on purpose " . My question now is , " How crazy do you have to be to do something like this ? " Disclaimer : I will state for the record that I am pretty much the biggest offender of everything I preach against . Physician , heal thyself . I know . I know . That 's what I do in my spare time . . . between kids , home , work , lady lunches , and blog . . . oh and Twitter , Facebook , email , and text messages . . . I work on not being a dork . So far , I 'm a lot better than I was 2 years ago when I started this process . Let 's not get into what I use as a measuring stick , mmmkay . I 'm just better than I was ( said for my family . . . well the one that reads this ) . When it comes to long term friends , women have a higher count in my book . I have quite a few guy friends too , but men usually have a shelf life of however long it takes them to get a girlfriend . Many women are just not comfortable with their men having females as besties . It 's always a bummer to lose one , but it 's given me a chance to look inside quite a few of the minds of men I am friends with . Break ups are sad , and while women often get painted with the " hot mess " label when it comes to emotions , it 's important to note that men have those feelings as well . Today I 'm going to reveal the top three things newly single guys do ( permission granted by a few of my awesome male friends / readers ) that keep them from picking up that hottie they are trying to bed . Ready ? 1 . Sensitivity . Okay , I know you 've been hearing this crap about women wanting sensitive guys . It 's completely out of context . You heard sensitive and thought " female " . You 're wrong . Still don 't want to see you cry unless you lost a limb , and even then . . . could you swear while you do it ? Sensitive about pets ? Your kids ? Your Nana who raised you that just died ? Got it . Still don 't want to see you crying any more than you want to see US crying . Sad movie / TV show ? At least have the decency to lie about there being something in your eye . We won 't believe you , but it makes us laugh and forget that we saw you crying . 2 . Lost Love . We don 't want to hear it . Really . Women are taught at an early age to shut the hell up about our issues when we 're with a new guy . Do you know what happens to women who pull this crap ? Hump and dump . Who wants to be with someone that 's obviously still hung up on their ex ? This is pre - relationship discussion , not pre - date discussion . You didn 't like finding out your ex was sleeping with someone else . Now imagine how your potential date feels . She probably doesn 't want to hear about it either . 3 . Still In a Relationship . So you 're separated , huh ? That sucks and I know it hurts . ( virtual hugs ) Been there . It 's painful . Sometimes you just want someone to hold you and tell you it 's okay . Sometimes you just want to curl up in a ball and cry and . . . If you tell a woman you 're separated and can 't figure out why she doesn 't want to go out with you , let me clue you in . We worry that you 're going to go back . It 's a liability . Combine this separated / recently divorced situation with # 1 or # 2 and you 're immediately put on the list of guy friends we won 't date and quite possibly watch for self - harming tendencies . Women do all of these things . Believe me , the things I 've heard from the guys is enough to make me physically shudder . I 've heard things that made me look inside and mentally slap myself for past faux pas . It also made me realize that we 're a lot more alike than we want to believe . No one wants a crier . No one wants to be with someone who is in love with someone else . No one seeking a relationship wants to be the rebound / gap fill . Finally , we 've all heard the " Nice guys finish last " gripe . Nice guys around the world have been saying it forever . Trust me , the nice girls out there are thinking the same thing . Every time we see a nice guy walking off into the sunset with a girl who is leading him by his ' nose ' , whilst slapping him down , ridiculing him , and making him feel like he 's lucky she even bothered to collar him . . . we die a little inside . Know your value . It 's sexy . Parting note : Guys , for more tips on being newly single , head on over to It Was Dark , Stormy , and I Lost My Serial Comma for tips from one of your own . Take a razor . You 're going to need it . Up Next : Where is your line in the sand ? How much " crazy " are you willing to put up with for a great physical attraction ? Email me ! ( mostly because I want to know how insane I 'm actually allowed to be before it 's too much ) The acid burned my esophagus and I recognized that familiar feeling of nausea as my mouth began to water and my head started to spin . Mentally , I noted that it was probably lunch time , and checked the monitor clock to find that it was 11 : 30 . The angry conversation that my stomach was attempting to have with me served to further confirm the fact . " Oh shut up . " I said aloud , to myself , once again using the wrong inside voice . Realizing I had once again forgotten to bring lunch , and being too uninspired to even choose a fast food restaurant to satisfy my needs , I made my way to the break room and opened the Nutrisystem cabinet . In an attempt to jump on the " nutritionally balanced " wagon , our boss had signed up for the Nutrisystem food delivery program the year before , and much of the system still existed in the office kitchen . I browsed the selections and pulled the BBQ Beef and Beans with Rice from the shelf . The picture on the site shows what the meal was supposed to look like . It in no way resembled the item inside the microwave package . Not even close , actually . I will tell you this much ; I discovered the secret to Nutrisystem weight loss . When you feel like your throat has been cut , have no desire to think , and even less desire to eat . . . it tastes pretty good . What made it even better was that I had absolutely zero expectations of it having flavor . That 's how it 's been lately . I eat because it 's time . Food doesn 't have much flavor . Nothing is exciting . I 've been in a bit of a funk and it 's tying my stomach in knots . It just doesn 't seem worth the effort . I 'm pretty sure it 's related to penises and those who own them . I can say that right ? Sure I can . It 's my blog and I 'll say what I want , dammit . Rather than dwell on the lack of understanding I have for the opposite sex , I 've decided to apply this diet theory to dating . Is there such a thing as zero expectation dating ? It 's sort of like food isn 't it ? Even when you aren 't sure about the flavor , you hope it will at least be hot . Right ? No ? Maybe I 'm spending too much time with my guy friends . Speaking of which , tomorrow or the next day or Saturday or , I 'm going to address a situation a few of my male readers have broached with me on the sidelines . Men , breakups , and getting back in the saddle . . . or in this case , getting someone back on the saddle . Stay tuned . I 'll probably be ostracized by both my guy friends and my girl friends . Should be fun ! Posted by At first I thought maybe I 'd find Narnia in here , but no . . . In an effort to prevent any man from ever wanting to have a long term relationship with me , much less take me on a date where sex isn 't expected at the end of the night , I decided to start this blog . It 's a little late in the game to be going back and deleting all of the posts where I come across as less than ideal . Deleting this whole tawdry mess would probably be the easiest route , but I would likely just start another one the next time I felt like I needed to get something off my chest aside from a bra . Because let 's be realistic , if I blogged every time I took off my bra you 'd be reading a hell of a lot more than this and I 'd get even less done . Why mess up a relatively good thing ? I mean it 's good for me ? Is it good for you ? Lie to me if you need to . In keeping with the true purpose of this place , I feel it 's time for a little Friday confessional . For any of you considering getting to know me outside of this blog , you might want to listen up . 1 . Best Friends - I have a few . They are compartmentalized to certain parts of my life . Most of them won 't be shocking to you . One of them will . He 's a guy . He 's hot . We 've seen each other naked . We managed to not hold it against each other . . . literally , and I 'll expect the same from you . 2 . Fuckeduppedness - Ask me how I am and I 'll say I 'm okay . It 's a complete lie . I 'm either good or not . When I 'm not good I 'm a hot mess of " what in the hell happened to her ? " ( sorry , Mom . . . I 've been extra sweary lately , I know ) Most of the time I can smile through it until I make things right with myself or whatever evil piece of crap curve ball I feel life has undeservedly thrown over my plate . When I can 't I am probably going to cry . I won 't do it in front of you and when I come out of whatever damned hiding place I sneaked off to , a hug is fine , a joke is better . 3 . Money - I don 't have any . I have a relatively low paying job and a relatively low paying side job . No one here clicks enough links to do more than pay off my domain registration . It would be unwise of you to expect me to support you in any monetary fashion . Call it poor planning , call it a shitty economy , but don 't call me for cash . 4 . Politics - I hate it . I hate hearing about it . I hate reading about it . I hate talking about it ( except with one person ) . Don 't tell me how you feel about your candidate , because I don 't care . I won 't tell you about mine . We 'll be happier that way . I offered to sell my vote in the last election to my ex if he would just shut the hell up . He didn 't , and look where THAT got him . 5 . Skeletons - We all have those don 't we ? They keep us from becoming a skin bag on the floor . I 've never killed anyone so I don 't have any extras hanging in a closet somewhere and I most certainly expect the same of my potential suitors . Baggage is a different story . 6 . Baggage - OOOOOOOOOOH Lord . I have some . You probably do too . A matching set might be nice . Mine is black with a telescoping travel handle and wheels . What 's yours like ? How often do you take it out ? I unpack mine from time to time just to see what 's left inside , and then I put things back in it that I don 't want to look at and put it in the closet . You can look in there if you want to , but I can 't be responsible for what you find . 7 . Passport - If you don 't have one you might want to get one . I am usually on the verge of abandoning all hope and fleeing the country . It would be super cool to find someone to go with me . Are you from some cool country I 'd like to live in ? Double points for that . For more revealing information , you can read my letter , To My Future Husband . . . it 's full of sex , lies , and chocolate . Sorry about what I said about your mother . I 'm sure she 's wonderful . It 's come to my attention that I 'm getting older . No , not because of wrinkles . I have creams for that . It 's not even because of the grey hairs . There 's a wheel - o - color at any given salon to hide that . Maybe you think it 's because my kids are closer to out of the house than they are in the house , but you 're wrong . There was a time when I was all , "$%^ # the man ! Parents are a drag , yo ! " ( I like to mix my generational slang ) . Until today , that is . Okay , maybe that part ended when I became a parent , but I didn 't really feel it in my soul until today . Fine , I stopped hating parents quite a long time ago . That 's when I started hating kids . Not my own . Sure from time to time I didn 't like my kids , but I never hated them . Why are you judging me ? We 're getting off track here . This afternoon , as I sat in my ivory tower of motherhood ( that 's what I call my bedroom ) , bitching silently about how the kids suck up all the bandwidth with their bazillion ( which I think is like a Brazilian with more hair ) wireless gadgets and Xbox - y type things , I overheard something that made my blood boil . When it comes to eavesdropping on my kids I 'm usually pretty amused . They regularly say stupid things that make me giggle or bring back memories of a time when I was also stupid . Today was not that day . My son 's friend , who happened to be assisting in the sucking up of bandwidth , was on the phone with his mother . The poor asshole child had tried to call her TWO TIMES already in the last FIVE MINUTES to ask her what time he needed to be home for dinner . When she finally answered the third time he was a bit angry . Angry enough to snap at her and say , " What are you doing ? ! I have been trying to call ! You got off work 10 minutes ago ! Well , what do you THINK I was calling for ? When do you want me home for dinner . . GOD ! " It took all I had , plus the weight of this laptop to keep me from slapping the shit out of him . Instead of risking jail for beating a minor , I leveled him with an icy stare and said , " You will either speak to your mother with respect or get out of my house . " The look on his face was one of instant " holy shit - ness " as he realized that I actually meant what I said . Needless to say , after the few tense minutes that followed , there was a bit more Xbox and then a brief , " Jacob , can you give me a ride home ? " More and more often I hear kids back talking their parents and the parents blowing it off . I 'm all for a little good - natured sarcasm , but this trend toward kids speaking to their parents as if they rule the roost has really started to piss me off . More than the back talk , I am sick of parents shrugging it off and smiling through it with an " Ah , kids . What can you do ? " look . Do you know what you can do ? Stop letting it happen . Stop letting it happen at home and it will be a lot easier to stop it from happening in public . Just stop it . Now . I 've learned over time that no matter how naughty most kids are at home , they are a hell of a lot nicer to other people . They know what their parents will tolerate by learning from experience . My son 's friend is , aside from being an ass today , not disrespectful to me . He knows what I expect of my own kids and wouldn 't dream of losing the privilege of eating all of our food and hogging all my internet by being a jerk to me . Chances are he won 't be here tomorrow when I get home , but I bet he 's back the next day . I would also place a bet that he won 't ever speak to his mother like that in front of me again . Brat . I write but not for money . . . that is unless you want to pay me . I specialize in snarky observations and cynical yet hopeful romanticism . I am currently writing a DIY book on how to derail your own life . I have a follow up instructional guide on how to relate to all the wrong men for women who weren 't able to completely derail their lives with book one . Look for my work at Barnes and Borders .
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We 've officially entered birthday season in my family . My brother tried to kick things off with a birthday at the end of July , but it didn 't stick . The rest of us fall between the end of September and late November . This past weekend we found ourselves gathered together to celebrate a few of those memorable occasions . I 'll start this by saying a big happy birthday to my baby sister , Jeana , my sister in law Christina , my brother in law Denny , and my wonderful mother . It was predicted to be the party to end all parties ( drinking until you begged God to just kill you ) . I headed home to Iowa to hold my sister 's hair so she could vomit after too much while celebrating for her 30th . The day began with shopping for shoes without heels , because we 'd worn heels and decided that the lengthy day would be best served in flat shoes . I am not capable of buying shoes without a heel . I looked and looked , but couldn 't find a damn thing . Instead , I fell in love with these . I thought , what better shoe to have when you need to really dig into the ice ? Warm , gives the ass a nice lift , and check out the soles on those babies . Hot ! After deciding that very few people in my group would appreciate the beauty of these weapons hiking boots , I left them on the rack and proceeded to make my way with the girls down the strip mall to the various stores . The rest of the day proceeded as planned . Shopping was accomplished , drinks and snacks were consumed , and our feet were properly pedicured . By the time we finished with our family and friends dinner at Red Lobster , it was clear that the birthday girl would be having none of the party she had planned . The last great quote of the night was , " Julie , if you want to bar hop on the way back you can , but I 'm staying in the truck . " Alas , a bit of partying the night before had rendered our birthday girl down for the count before 8 PM . Turning 30 is a cruel joke . You still look young , but your recovery is much slower . There is still fun to be had though ! From the folks that brought you " He laid his wiener on it " I give you the Dennyisms of the weekend and other fun stuff . Vaginas for Jesus - My mother is a proud member of the First United Methodist Women of Southwest Iowa ( long name , eh ) . My brother in law has decided the name of the group should be shortened and changed to Vaginas for Jesus . We are waiting to see if Mom will call for a vote to change the name at their next meeting . Angie 's G - Spot - I drive a G6 . I cannot imagine how this came up in conversation , but Angie Come On Over ! Today I 'm covering up my Uncovered self and heading on over to SprocketInk to talk about giving a shit . Do you ? Could you ? Would you ? Let 's find out . Welcome to the office , Newbs ! Its fall , which means all of those high school and college grads are flowing into the workplace . It 's understandable that not everyone grasps the rules of office employment . Below is a list of very important tips for those who are entering the office life for the first time , or even for those who have worked there for a while now and don 't understand why they haven 't received that promotion they 've been aiming for . You may wish to print this and hand it out at meetings . 1 . Hickeys are not an accessory . Remember back in high school when your parents offered your boyfriend / girlfriend extra food so they would stop chewing on your neck ? Hickeys were stupid and looked disgusting then . They are completely unprofessional and revolting now . Have some class . This is the real world where your future is influenced by the people you meet on the way up . You look like a whore . There are a few positions in your future , but I doubt any of them are corporate . This is an office , not a fitness club . No yoga pants . Maybe they are black or dark grey , but they are not slacks / dress pants . We don 't allow men to come in in black sweat pants . You are not allowed to wear yoga pants on business casual days . Also , there is NO day when we should be able to see your under garments . White under white is almost as bad as black / red / blue under white . Your underwear playing peek - a - boo with the top of your pants isn 't acceptable either . Learn to dress . " It 's so expensive to feed a crowd ! " Yeah yeah . I see you with the Jimmy Johns every day . We 're asking you to make a salad or an appetizer . You don 't need to roast a pig for us . We have pot luck professionals that will out do any grand attempt you make . Stop whining about the cost and make a jello mold or something , ya lazy ass . Everyone forgets sometimes . If you 're a chronic offender , everyone knows your name . Don 't be a lazy mooch . Also , we have paper plates and plastic silverware . No one here is worried about that . We provide those things out of the main budget . You 're bringing something we already have . Lame . Broken hearts blow . There 's no easy fix . Do you know what I recommend ? Going to work . What are you going to do at home ? You 'll sit there and cry . Then you 'll eat junk food in some misguided attempt to fill the void that your lover has left . Then you 'll get fat and be sadder . Eventually , that will increase your illnesses and likely your use of our insurance plan . That raises everyone 's rates . Then we like you less . Don 't make us like you less . Just stop talking . We get it already . If you have a valid excuse ( death , illness , etc ) we simply need the very short version . The more you talk the more we are irritated that your absence is going to screw with everyone 's schedule and deadline . 7 . Children should be seen and not heard . We don 't mind you putting up pics of your kids . We do , however , get sick of hearing about them . Don 't blather on . If you want to do that shit , get a blog . 8 . The bathroom is not your personal phone booth . If I had a dollar for every time I have walked into the ladies room and straight into a verbal confrontation between some lady and her man I would have enough to get two pumpkin spice lattes . It doesn 't sound like a lot , but have you been to Starbucks lately ? Take that business to the car on your break . 9 . Save the pretty fonts and colors . In the name of all that is good and holy . I received an email today from a staffer that had 3 colors and the most God awful curly handwriting font in the signature . The body of the email was done in hot pink . If you expect me to take your request for my toilet paper , hand towels , soap , copies , or insurance paper work seriously you will use either black or dark blue on a white background in a plain font . I don 't want something that looks like it was written in crayon by someone who just learned how to write in cursive . Often these emails have to be escalated . Remember that . 10 . Above all , don 't be the reason for new rules . Many offices begin their lives with very lenient policies . There is a hope that since adults are being hired that adult behavior will be adhered to . When you notice there is a lax policy on attendance , dress code , time usage , etc . . . try to follow the rules of common courtesy . We don 't have a lot of rules . We create them as they become necessary . If you 're the reason for the rule , you will find yourself very unpopular . I hope these tips will help you become well liked in your current work place . If you obey all of these rules and people still don 't like you , it might be you . Posted by Good morning , kids ! I hope you all made it through the weekend without scrambling for bail money . In the event that you showed up here for some sort of weekend run down , you 're going to have to wait until tomorrow . Today I 'm over at SprocketInk talking about how Apple Corners the Market On Rectangularity . Go . Read . Learn something . Laugh a little . You deserve it . Heck you 've probably been awake 2 hours already . It 's break time ! I 'm an out of sight out of mind type girl . I forgot about the living room in my own home for 2 weeks straight because I didn 't walk through it or use it . I do , however , obsess about the things I can see . Take my phone for example . I check that far more than I should . If we dated in the past you can pretty much guarantee that your number is no longer in my phone . It 's not that we 're not friends . It 's not that I don 't want to talk to you . I just don 't need the temptation when I see your name . If you 've wondered why you haven 't heard from me in awhile , now you know . My daily life guy friends ( 3H ) expressed that they expect a certain level of crazy with every woman . Stereotype much ? I digress . They also agreed that the hotter the girl is , the more insanity they can expect . While I 'm not sure when this pattern was set for them , the three that I speak with most frequently all seem to agree that the crazier she is the better she will be in bed . ( Screeching halt ) " Whatever . You 're full of it . " I said . Then I saw this on Twitter : This explains so much ! Apparently Kim knows . It is an established fact . It 's even on the internet . # MustBeFact This does explain a lot about those guys who will continually chase after a hot girl that turns them on , turns them down , pulls them in , and then pushes them away . It seems like if she 's even slightly unhinged , her crazy factor will elevate her another rung on the ladder . As I write this , I 've just been informed by one of the 3H that the tweet above IS accurate . One of the H team said , " If she will stab someone with a fork you really have to see what she 'll do in bed . " Right on girl ! So what exactly does make a woman put up with crazy ? Love and / or low self - esteem seems to be the most common answer . I 've dated my fair share of men who played head games . The more distance I put between myself and those times in my life , the harder it is for me to determine if it was love or low self - esteem , but it was probably a combination of things . I 'm not alone in that either : Been there . It has taken me many years and many mistakes to get to where I am today . My choices in who I will date have improved by leaps and bounds . These days , I am more inclined to follow Jewels ' advice than to put up with the head games , no matter how good it promises to feel for a few minutes . Well said ! Have you ever dated or stayed with someone that played head games just because the sex was good ? Where is your line in the sand ? Posted by It 's not my job ! Daily Disclaimer : Today was supposed to be my post on the Crazy - Hot scale , but I 'm putting that off until the end of the week so I can do a little more research and adjust my settings to Scary Sexy . Instead , I am going to address something that has been on my mind the past few days because if I don 't say something in a big way , I might explode in rage . : ) My boss sometimes refers to me as his assistant . One of the client managers occasionally calls me the office manager . My actual job title , according to my business card , is Program Support Manager . I do daily reports to identify productivity and disposition reports for our sales and customer service teams . From time to time I do office shopping and order supplies . Also , I bring joy to everyone I meet . I do , dammit ! Friday a fellow female employee came to my desk to inform me that there was a spider the size of a house in the ladies room . I quickly dispelled any notion that my job responsibilities included spider extermination and advised her to either kill it herself or , failing that , find another co - worker willing to participate in her murderous plans . Delegate . That 's how I roll . The bathrooms are stocked with paper towels , liquid soaps , toilet tissue , and my favorite , Bed Head aerosol hairspray . Nothing stops a spider faster than freeze spray . I felt no need to educate these women on the many ways to stop a speeding spider . Live and learn girls . Probably like this , but I wouldn 't know because it 's not my damned job . Feeling I had safely side stepped the spider task , I went about the business of doing my reports and watching the clock to see , to the exact minute , how much longer I had left in my day . Sometime around 2 PM I was interrupted by yet another fellow breasted employee . " Tara said to let you know that something needs to be cleaned in the second stall . " In this case I had no one to delegate to . The supply closet at work is filled with all sorts of chemicals and paper products we don 't want open for all staff . You never know when someone might start supplementing their bonus with Angel Soft toilet paper , ya know ? Plus , we buy Bounty and Clorox and other name brand items . Those are really attractive products to steal . As a result , this room is locked and off limits . Obviously if we cannot trust people to keep their mitts off the toilet paper we definitely cannot give them access to the chemicals . What if they went on a cleaning rampage and eliminated all dirt from the facility ? ! The key code is known to management only . We 're such elitists . I am often charged with handling all requests for bathroom supplies when the ladies room is out of something . It 's annoying , but that 's what happens when you 're in a high ranking position . People WILL want your toilet paper . It 's only natural . While Sarah manages the Denver office single - handedly , I dare say she doesn 't want to come back and share this responsibility . I stood up , rolled my eyes , and let out a very long and pointed sigh . For the life of me I cannot figure out how women can have such nasty toilet habits . When you walk into a shared toilet do you not look before you sit down ? When you 're finished do you not turn around to make sure that things went down when you flushed ? It 's common courtesy , dammit ! If you noticed that you somehow managed to urinate on the seat ( yes , I know . . . WTF ? ) do you not wipe it off ? I made my way to the supply closet to get disposable gloves and bathroom cleaner , all the while making my displeasure known on the way through the office . " I swear to God if people cannot learn to clean up after themselves in the bathroom , they should be fired . How did they make it this far in life ? I 'm going to shoot someone . Maybe me . " Of course I followed this rant with a smile and skipped the rest of the way to the ladies room and swung the door open , ready to eliminate the filth in question . This has happened before . Someone will get pee on the seat , a skidder in the bowl , or even a smudge on the seat . Don 't ask me how . I don 't even want to imagine it . I was disgusted , but prepared . Unfortunately there is no way to prepare for the shock I received when I pulled open the door to the back stall . How in the hell did someone crap on the OUTSIDE of the toilet ? Seriously ? ! I can 't accuse anyone specifically for this offense . Obviously we don 't have cameras as that would be highly illegal . At first I thought , " How short does a person need to be in order to DO that ? " and then as I approached the toilet with my gloves on and foaming cleaner at arm 's length , I noticed the smear marks . I also noticed the rest of the toilet is pristine . I don 't think anyone had an " accident " . I think someone had an " on purpose " . My question now is , " How crazy do you have to be to do something like this ? " Disclaimer : I will state for the record that I am pretty much the biggest offender of everything I preach against . Physician , heal thyself . I know . I know . That 's what I do in my spare time . . . between kids , home , work , lady lunches , and blog . . . oh and Twitter , Facebook , email , and text messages . . . I work on not being a dork . So far , I 'm a lot better than I was 2 years ago when I started this process . Let 's not get into what I use as a measuring stick , mmmkay . I 'm just better than I was ( said for my family . . . well the one that reads this ) . When it comes to long term friends , women have a higher count in my book . I have quite a few guy friends too , but men usually have a shelf life of however long it takes them to get a girlfriend . Many women are just not comfortable with their men having females as besties . It 's always a bummer to lose one , but it 's given me a chance to look inside quite a few of the minds of men I am friends with . Break ups are sad , and while women often get painted with the " hot mess " label when it comes to emotions , it 's important to note that men have those feelings as well . Today I 'm going to reveal the top three things newly single guys do ( permission granted by a few of my awesome male friends / readers ) that keep them from picking up that hottie they are trying to bed . Ready ? 1 . Sensitivity . Okay , I know you 've been hearing this crap about women wanting sensitive guys . It 's completely out of context . You heard sensitive and thought " female " . You 're wrong . Still don 't want to see you cry unless you lost a limb , and even then . . . could you swear while you do it ? Sensitive about pets ? Your kids ? Your Nana who raised you that just died ? Got it . Still don 't want to see you crying any more than you want to see US crying . Sad movie / TV show ? At least have the decency to lie about there being something in your eye . We won 't believe you , but it makes us laugh and forget that we saw you crying . 2 . Lost Love . We don 't want to hear it . Really . Women are taught at an early age to shut the hell up about our issues when we 're with a new guy . Do you know what happens to women who pull this crap ? Hump and dump . Who wants to be with someone that 's obviously still hung up on their ex ? This is pre - relationship discussion , not pre - date discussion . You didn 't like finding out your ex was sleeping with someone else . Now imagine how your potential date feels . She probably doesn 't want to hear about it either . 3 . Still In a Relationship . So you 're separated , huh ? That sucks and I know it hurts . ( virtual hugs ) Been there . It 's painful . Sometimes you just want someone to hold you and tell you it 's okay . Sometimes you just want to curl up in a ball and cry and . . . If you tell a woman you 're separated and can 't figure out why she doesn 't want to go out with you , let me clue you in . We worry that you 're going to go back . It 's a liability . Combine this separated / recently divorced situation with # 1 or # 2 and you 're immediately put on the list of guy friends we won 't date and quite possibly watch for self - harming tendencies . Women do all of these things . Believe me , the things I 've heard from the guys is enough to make me physically shudder . I 've heard things that made me look inside and mentally slap myself for past faux pas . It also made me realize that we 're a lot more alike than we want to believe . No one wants a crier . No one wants to be with someone who is in love with someone else . No one seeking a relationship wants to be the rebound / gap fill . Finally , we 've all heard the " Nice guys finish last " gripe . Nice guys around the world have been saying it forever . Trust me , the nice girls out there are thinking the same thing . Every time we see a nice guy walking off into the sunset with a girl who is leading him by his ' nose ' , whilst slapping him down , ridiculing him , and making him feel like he 's lucky she even bothered to collar him . . . we die a little inside . Know your value . It 's sexy . Parting note : Guys , for more tips on being newly single , head on over to It Was Dark , Stormy , and I Lost My Serial Comma for tips from one of your own . Take a razor . You 're going to need it . Up Next : Where is your line in the sand ? How much " crazy " are you willing to put up with for a great physical attraction ? Email me ! ( mostly because I want to know how insane I 'm actually allowed to be before it 's too much ) The acid burned my esophagus and I recognized that familiar feeling of nausea as my mouth began to water and my head started to spin . Mentally , I noted that it was probably lunch time , and checked the monitor clock to find that it was 11 : 30 . The angry conversation that my stomach was attempting to have with me served to further confirm the fact . " Oh shut up . " I said aloud , to myself , once again using the wrong inside voice . Realizing I had once again forgotten to bring lunch , and being too uninspired to even choose a fast food restaurant to satisfy my needs , I made my way to the break room and opened the Nutrisystem cabinet . In an attempt to jump on the " nutritionally balanced " wagon , our boss had signed up for the Nutrisystem food delivery program the year before , and much of the system still existed in the office kitchen . I browsed the selections and pulled the BBQ Beef and Beans with Rice from the shelf . The picture on the site shows what the meal was supposed to look like . It in no way resembled the item inside the microwave package . Not even close , actually . I will tell you this much ; I discovered the secret to Nutrisystem weight loss . When you feel like your throat has been cut , have no desire to think , and even less desire to eat . . . it tastes pretty good . What made it even better was that I had absolutely zero expectations of it having flavor . That 's how it 's been lately . I eat because it 's time . Food doesn 't have much flavor . Nothing is exciting . I 've been in a bit of a funk and it 's tying my stomach in knots . It just doesn 't seem worth the effort . I 'm pretty sure it 's related to penises and those who own them . I can say that right ? Sure I can . It 's my blog and I 'll say what I want , dammit . Rather than dwell on the lack of understanding I have for the opposite sex , I 've decided to apply this diet theory to dating . Is there such a thing as zero expectation dating ? It 's sort of like food isn 't it ? Even when you aren 't sure about the flavor , you hope it will at least be hot . Right ? No ? Maybe I 'm spending too much time with my guy friends . Speaking of which , tomorrow or the next day or Saturday or , I 'm going to address a situation a few of my male readers have broached with me on the sidelines . Men , breakups , and getting back in the saddle . . . or in this case , getting someone back on the saddle . Stay tuned . I 'll probably be ostracized by both my guy friends and my girl friends . Should be fun ! Posted by At first I thought maybe I 'd find Narnia in here , but no . . . In an effort to prevent any man from ever wanting to have a long term relationship with me , much less take me on a date where sex isn 't expected at the end of the night , I decided to start this blog . It 's a little late in the game to be going back and deleting all of the posts where I come across as less than ideal . Deleting this whole tawdry mess would probably be the easiest route , but I would likely just start another one the next time I felt like I needed to get something off my chest aside from a bra . Because let 's be realistic , if I blogged every time I took off my bra you 'd be reading a hell of a lot more than this and I 'd get even less done . Why mess up a relatively good thing ? I mean it 's good for me ? Is it good for you ? Lie to me if you need to . In keeping with the true purpose of this place , I feel it 's time for a little Friday confessional . For any of you considering getting to know me outside of this blog , you might want to listen up . 1 . Best Friends - I have a few . They are compartmentalized to certain parts of my life . Most of them won 't be shocking to you . One of them will . He 's a guy . He 's hot . We 've seen each other naked . We managed to not hold it against each other . . . literally , and I 'll expect the same from you . 2 . Fuckeduppedness - Ask me how I am and I 'll say I 'm okay . It 's a complete lie . I 'm either good or not . When I 'm not good I 'm a hot mess of " what in the hell happened to her ? " ( sorry , Mom . . . I 've been extra sweary lately , I know ) Most of the time I can smile through it until I make things right with myself or whatever evil piece of crap curve ball I feel life has undeservedly thrown over my plate . When I can 't I am probably going to cry . I won 't do it in front of you and when I come out of whatever damned hiding place I sneaked off to , a hug is fine , a joke is better . 3 . Money - I don 't have any . I have a relatively low paying job and a relatively low paying side job . No one here clicks enough links to do more than pay off my domain registration . It would be unwise of you to expect me to support you in any monetary fashion . Call it poor planning , call it a shitty economy , but don 't call me for cash . 4 . Politics - I hate it . I hate hearing about it . I hate reading about it . I hate talking about it ( except with one person ) . Don 't tell me how you feel about your candidate , because I don 't care . I won 't tell you about mine . We 'll be happier that way . I offered to sell my vote in the last election to my ex if he would just shut the hell up . He didn 't , and look where THAT got him . 5 . Skeletons - We all have those don 't we ? They keep us from becoming a skin bag on the floor . I 've never killed anyone so I don 't have any extras hanging in a closet somewhere and I most certainly expect the same of my potential suitors . Baggage is a different story . 6 . Baggage - OOOOOOOOOOH Lord . I have some . You probably do too . A matching set might be nice . Mine is black with a telescoping travel handle and wheels . What 's yours like ? How often do you take it out ? I unpack mine from time to time just to see what 's left inside , and then I put things back in it that I don 't want to look at and put it in the closet . You can look in there if you want to , but I can 't be responsible for what you find . 7 . Passport - If you don 't have one you might want to get one . I am usually on the verge of abandoning all hope and fleeing the country . It would be super cool to find someone to go with me . Are you from some cool country I 'd like to live in ? Double points for that . For more revealing information , you can read my letter , To My Future Husband . . . it 's full of sex , lies , and chocolate . Sorry about what I said about your mother . I 'm sure she 's wonderful . It 's come to my attention that I 'm getting older . No , not because of wrinkles . I have creams for that . It 's not even because of the grey hairs . There 's a wheel - o - color at any given salon to hide that . Maybe you think it 's because my kids are closer to out of the house than they are in the house , but you 're wrong . There was a time when I was all , "$%^ # the man ! Parents are a drag , yo ! " ( I like to mix my generational slang ) . Until today , that is . Okay , maybe that part ended when I became a parent , but I didn 't really feel it in my soul until today . Fine , I stopped hating parents quite a long time ago . That 's when I started hating kids . Not my own . Sure from time to time I didn 't like my kids , but I never hated them . Why are you judging me ? We 're getting off track here . This afternoon , as I sat in my ivory tower of motherhood ( that 's what I call my bedroom ) , bitching silently about how the kids suck up all the bandwidth with their bazillion ( which I think is like a Brazilian with more hair ) wireless gadgets and Xbox - y type things , I overheard something that made my blood boil . When it comes to eavesdropping on my kids I 'm usually pretty amused . They regularly say stupid things that make me giggle or bring back memories of a time when I was also stupid . Today was not that day . My son 's friend , who happened to be assisting in the sucking up of bandwidth , was on the phone with his mother . The poor asshole child had tried to call her TWO TIMES already in the last FIVE MINUTES to ask her what time he needed to be home for dinner . When she finally answered the third time he was a bit angry . Angry enough to snap at her and say , " What are you doing ? ! I have been trying to call ! You got off work 10 minutes ago ! Well , what do you THINK I was calling for ? When do you want me home for dinner . . GOD ! " It took all I had , plus the weight of this laptop to keep me from slapping the shit out of him . Instead of risking jail for beating a minor , I leveled him with an icy stare and said , " You will either speak to your mother with respect or get out of my house . " The look on his face was one of instant " holy shit - ness " as he realized that I actually meant what I said . Needless to say , after the few tense minutes that followed , there was a bit more Xbox and then a brief , " Jacob , can you give me a ride home ? " More and more often I hear kids back talking their parents and the parents blowing it off . I 'm all for a little good - natured sarcasm , but this trend toward kids speaking to their parents as if they rule the roost has really started to piss me off . More than the back talk , I am sick of parents shrugging it off and smiling through it with an " Ah , kids . What can you do ? " look . Do you know what you can do ? Stop letting it happen . Stop letting it happen at home and it will be a lot easier to stop it from happening in public . Just stop it . Now . I 've learned over time that no matter how naughty most kids are at home , they are a hell of a lot nicer to other people . They know what their parents will tolerate by learning from experience . My son 's friend is , aside from being an ass today , not disrespectful to me . He knows what I expect of my own kids and wouldn 't dream of losing the privilege of eating all of our food and hogging all my internet by being a jerk to me . Chances are he won 't be here tomorrow when I get home , but I bet he 's back the next day . I would also place a bet that he won 't ever speak to his mother like that in front of me again . Brat . I write but not for money . . . that is unless you want to pay me . I specialize in snarky observations and cynical yet hopeful romanticism . I am currently writing a DIY book on how to derail your own life . I have a follow up instructional guide on how to relate to all the wrong men for women who weren 't able to completely derail their lives with book one . Look for my work at Barnes and Borders .
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Okay . So you can find my blog if you 're looking for " children peeing pictures " , which is news . That visitor must have been deeply disappointed to click through and get a post about Brussels . Ah well . Random thoughts : Yesterday Snufkina and I went on a photo safari - - urban this time - - and I took something like a hundred pictures of graffitti and construction sites . I also noticed that she is much nicer to strangers than I am . Of course , the people who approach her don 't seem to be as inherently odd as those who approach me , but maybe that 's just a perceptual thing . I 'm happier with these photos than the ones I took the last time we did this , and it 's really interesting going with another person . You start to get an idea of what she 's going to be drawn to . At some point , we should probably sit down and compare what we get on these expeditions . One of the legs of my new bed bends under pressure . I should have known not to trust IKEA . Fortunately the distance to the floor is not great . But I need to get cracking on the platform - building , so I can put the mattress ( sans legs ) on a sturdier surface . Finally , the thing referenced in the title . As I was sorting papers last night , I found something my mother had sent . I wish I had a scanner so I could just show it to you , although I may be the only person who can read it . It 's a story I wrote in , oh , looks like third grade . The teacher had handed out a mimeograph ( kids , that 's like a Xerox copy ; the ink was blue , and had a distinct smell of ozone ) with a stylized drawing of a black sun and a city skyline . Written at the top was the beginning of the story ; we were supposed to finish it any way we liked . Here 's mine ( the teacher - provided opening is in bold , my response in regular type , her notes in italics ) : Dawn should have broken that morning at 6 : 05 a . m . But it was still dark at 8 o ' clock . It was almost noon before the panic came . The sun would never shine again . What do you think would happen ? the werewolves came and ate all the people up . They also made a slide out of butter and splashed all around . They took markers and scribbled on the walls and they would decay and bury the bodies . The planes and boats would fall into the Bermuda triangle . Every time I sit down to write , it seems inappropriate in the face of what I 've just learned . As I don 't own a television , I get my news online , via the BBC , and I usually check that before logging in to Blogger . . . which is where I see the numbers of dead rising , the photos of communities devastated . And like everyone else , I just can 't get my head around it . 77 , 000 confirmed dead , and they haven 't been to all the islands yet . How many people is that ? That 's a small city . That 's the number of Belgian or Italian civilians who died in WWII , or Norwegian soldiers . And the prospect of disease following in the water 's wake , taking how many more . Living far from the cube farms , I guess I haven 't been keep track of advanced caffeine delivery technology . Also available : caffeinated lotion , Italian soda syrup , and hot sauce . And a cute baby T . Posted by I have a cousin who is traveling in the area ; we haven 't heard from her yet . And I know that some of you either live close by , or have traveled there recently and made friends and contacts . Here 's hoping that you and yours are all safe . Posted by Or mimes will mock my jaywalking . Courtesy of Daryl Sng . Is anyone else starting to wonder why he and I bother keeping separate blogs , considering how often we link to each other 's finds ? Daryl , will you be my blog husband ? If the station 's supply falls to 45 days ' worth or less , the crew must be evacuated . Which is why everyone got their knickers in a twist when Astronaut Michael Foale and Cosmonaut Alexander Kaleri revealed they only had enough food left to make it through January , and they 're just halfway through a six - month tour of duty . I have to admit that my first mental picture was of two men in a Jules Verne - styled ship , with big rivets around the portholes framing their desperately gaunt faces . What interests me isn 't that the men went through the food so fast , although from what I 've heard about how food tastes in space , I 'm surprised they ate so much . A friend of mine who used to design menus for an airline explains that at high altitudes , our sense of taste is depressed , so food has to be more strongly flavored to compensate . There are other considerations as well . But that 's not what gets me . What gets me is that the Russians on the ground perceived that there was enough food left that it wasn 't a crisis situation . It just wasn 't the crew 's " favorite meals . " Whereas the Americans on the ground were all worked up . I really think this says something about our respective cultures . My friend Oleg said an interesting thing a few years ago when I asked him what the strangest part of moving to California from Russia in the ' 80s had been . We were in a supermarket in Los Angeles . Without hesitation , he looked around and said , this . All this food . Could the ground crews ' different reactions stem directly from their experience - - or lack thereof - - of privation ? I mean , there are times when I feel like I don 't have any food , and I feel bad for myself . Yet if I look in the cupboard , there 's , oh , cornbread mix , cans of soup , cereal , dried fruit , oatmeal . . . and the fridge has olives , eight kinds of fruit preserves , condiments , half a bag of frozen peas . They may not all be my favorites . I may have picked all the apricots and prunes out of the dried fruit mix and now all I have left are the dried pears and apples , which I don 't find as groovy . But I don 't need to evacuate my particular Spaceship . I 'm just so accustomed to plenty that I 'm not seeing clearly . I like this for a few reasons . One , it 's not as open - ended as a New Year 's resolution . Two , I like seeing her list , and Amanda 's ( I found DB through Amanda ) . I don 't know either woman , but I have a strong sense now of each one , based on what they dream of doing . Probably totally off - base , but still fun . Three , as you can see from the comments to DB 's list , it creates an opportunity for people to help you . Barbara Sher calls this " barn - raising " ; breaking your dream down into manageable parts , and then enlisting your friends to help you achieve them . In DB 's case , people are offering her professional massages ( she 's never had one ) , giving her advice on what to do when she spends that afternoon in the batting cage , and inviting her to go to knitting classes with them . I found myself looking through the list for things I can help her with , and I don 't know her from Adam 's housecat ! Some of the things , I don 't personally see the point . One of these women plans to cut out all chocolate for three months . I can 't imagine how that could be construed as a good thing . fun with xyleneYes , I 've been playing with the full complement of dwarves this week - - Grumpy , Bitchy , Surly , Paranoid , Childish , Easily Distracted , and all the rest . I know . In about a week I 'm going to post an entry that will make a great many things make more sense . But not yet . Suffice it to say for now that I don 't usually get so funky just because I didn 't get a job I wanted ( although , come to think of it , I haven 't had much experience with not getting a job I want , so I have little basis for comparison ) and because I happened to damage a digit ( still swollen and painful , thanks for asking , but typing 's getting easier , and I can knit again ) . There 's more to it . Trust me , I have cause to be depressive . BUT I am trying to pull myself out , which is why Wednesday night I decided to sass up my space a little . I am collarbone - deep in decorate your place cheaply books , both purchased and borrowed ; while they vary wildly in style and tone ( I like it how " Home Cheap Home " , for example , talks about buying a Salvation Army couch - - and then spending a thousand dollars to have it reupholstered . Nope ) , they agree on how a little creativity can liven up any dull old place . So I bought a vinyl shower curtain for ten bucks , and attacked it with my paint markers . Not as many as I thought I would ( many of them turn out not to work on vinyl ) , and not the actual paint - with - a - brush paint I thought I 'd use ( ditto ) to get nice thick dark lines . Indeed , this is what I got : Yes , the xylene fumes got to me . Better living through chemistry , indeed : interior decoration with the help of powerful brain cell - mutilating inhalants . But I 'm pleased with the result , even if it 's completely DIY and not all elegant and so on . It reminds me of the doodling I did as a teenager - - on my shoes , on my jeans , on my friend Jeanne 's locker door , on anything that was moving too slowly to get away . You probably can 't tell from the photo , but I left the original frosted curtain in place behind the new one , with an oval cut out . So you can see into the shower , butPosted by Man , it 's been a good month for science . First they find a new monkey in India , and now - - among a great many other things , including a pure - white millipede nearly three inches long - - researchers in Borneo 's East Kalimantan have found what they think may be the world 's largest cockroach . At 10 cm ( about four inches ) long , the new bug beats out the Madagascar Hissing Cockroach , which runs to 2 - 3 inches long and an inch wide . I admit I have a soft spot for the Madagascar Hissing Cockroach ( Gromphadorhina portentosa , isn 't that great ? ) , although I certainly didn 't try to bring any back with me in ' 99 . " Hissers " are interesting . They 're supposed to make good pets - - as one site explains , they 're superior to other roaches in this regard because they are " wingless , sanitary , odorless , clean , and slow " , all fine traits in an animal companion , unless you want it to run alongside when you bike or jog . Or if you 're attached to fur . Or faces . Anyway . You only need to feed hissers every other day - - ground up dog chow and some veggie scraps - - and leave them a damp sponge for water . If they get mites , you shake your roaches in a bag with some flour , an image I find highly amusing , although I would have to remember not to then fry the poor things in butter . Cock - a - roach is my mother 's pronunciation . For a lot of years , I thought it was the correct one . Until I learned to spell the word , and couldn 't find that extra " a " . I 'm sure we all have a word or two like that , right ? You 're saying it wrong , but you 're so cute nobody corrects you . Like a friend who just told me that she thought another word for the private parts was " gentiles " , until her mother , laughing , straightened her out . The timing sucks , and I 'm clearly going to have to buckle down and find some other lucrative writing work , before I go insane catering and set a guest on fire or something . Oh , and I also closed my fingers in the door - - the heavy fire door - - to the apartment , and one of my fingernails is half - blue and the fingers all hurt . I ended up having to reschedule an interview by three hours because I was too knocked out by the pain to think about asking questions or trying to use my mysterious little recorder ; once I did get there , I miscalculated the distance between the lip of my glass and the lip of my mouth and ended up with ice water in my lap . Fortunately my interviewee was someone I know , a guy who isn 't easily fazed by a sodden , throbbing - with - pain journalist . I would have chosen a less crappy day for myself , given the chance . But , I have some nail polish almost the color of the bruise ; maybe I 'll just paint all my nails and pretend blue was my intent . Lesson in there somewhere . Someone who visits my blog fairly regularly lives in Flower Mound , Texas . Or at least they 're routed through there , somehow ; I 'm not entirely clear on how the system works . Statcounter gives me certain information about visitors - - city / state / country , IP address , browser , screen resolution , referring site if there is one . It 's a little bit of a puzzle , and sort of fun . There are certain people I can pick out from this information . People I know ( my friends here , Kate in D . C . ) , or people I haven 't met who have written to me - - Eric in Seattle , Ken in Kansas . Eric 's got " tukw " in his address , and Ken " sunflower " , which always makes me smile when I see it in the middle of the hash of numbers and letters that make up most of Statcounter 's only - sort - of - helpful listings . Sometimes I can figure it out from someone 's location and my knowledge of what kind of computer they use ; other times I can figure it out by which link they consistently use to get to me . But I was talking about Flower Mound . I have no idea who that is , but I love it that there 's a place with a name like that . Especially in Texas , which I 've never seen and imagine to be kind of dry and hilly . I am so curious that I went ahead and did a search , and learned that the Town of Flower Mound , population roughly 50 , 000 souls , boasts a wind sculpture that looks like a bunch of giant spoons . It 's also conveniently located in the center of the Dallas / Fort Worth Metroplex ( which sounds very William Gibson BAMA or Sprawl to me ) , the median age is 33 . 3 years , and Flower Mound kids do better on every section of the SAT than either other Texan kids or the national average . The rather literal , dry quality of the Web site - - and the apparent blinding whiteness of the place ( 91 % of the population as of the 2000 census self - identified as " white " ) aside , FM actually seems kind of sweet and sane . But I 'm piecing that together . I haven 't found any photos of so much as a flowery hillock . One close - up photo of some wildflowers , and a few shots of Lake Grapevine , and a link to another site that exhorts me to check out the shopping . A timeline of the town 's history , road by road . And a list of statistics by which I can determine that even on the biggest day as yet recorded , the good people of FM managed to stay 2 . 5 million gallons below their water system 's maximum capacity . But what is it like ? I have no idea . I 'm hoping my FM visitor will go out and take some pictures with a little more juice than the official ones on the site ( Police Car in Front of City Hall ) and send them on to me . That , and nest . I 'm feeling low and vulnerable , and a few days of gluing things together , eating mac and cheese , and ignoring the phone might be in order . Especially if it - - the phone , that is - - persists in its irritating tendency of ringing before ten am , with chirping acquaintances on the other end who have forgotten that I work nights . I am also thinking about painting my shower curtain , and potting the cutting I took from the plant I rescued from MonkeyScientist . Break out the brownie mix . Stay up all night reading science fiction ( currently : the excellent time - travel comedy To Say Nothing of the Dog , by Connie Willis ) . I might get crazy and do some of the handwash - only delicates . Chills ! In the U . S . , the leading cause of mortality among pregnant women and new mothers is homicide . And the perpetrator is usually someone the woman knows . Well . Her boyfriend , her husband . Wow . In case you were convinced there was nothing new under the sun , this should cheer you right up . Researchers have discovered a monkey heretofore unknown to science running around in India . It 's a type of macaque . The last new macaque was discovered a hundred years ago . Cool . Putting aside for the moment that most of the time I don 't eat three meals a day - - yesterday , I took my first ( and only ) honest meal at 11 : 45 pm , and the friend who watched would probably disagree whether a grilled cheese sandwich and a bowl of Cheerios constitute an honest meal - - this seems like an awful lot of posting . Although I guess it depends on how long the individual posts are . For example , I would love to see more from Snufkina , and not just because she said a very nice thing about my tush recently , but not if it meant her posts weren 't as thought - out and well - illustrated with her photos . Same for Jake , who goes silent for weeks and then comes out with something that invariably manages to be funny and poignant without getting maudlin . Meanwhile the guys I check regularly are pretty consistent about a post a day or every other day , but they 're generally shorter and more quickly digested . I 'm not sure what I 'm getting at here . I should really turn off the radio ; I never said I could write to dance music . Am I saying that my female friends write meals and my male friends snacks ? No . Am I saying that Marc blogs like a girl because his posts are ( sometimes ) as long as mine , or those of the other women I read ? No , well . No . Anyway , I 'm in serious danger of getting all meta about blogging , which wasn 't the point when I sat down . I guess the question I sat down to ask was , how often should a blogger post to hold their readers ' interest ? Where 's the cutoff point ? Where 's the moment when , since they 've been quiet so long , you stop checking ? Actually , and that whole discursion is completely typical , what I sat down to write was that I am feeling completely loose right now , and incapable of holding onto a thought for longer than one rumble from my neglected stomach . Yesterday was incredibly intense - - I wrote for about 18 hours straight , eating nothing but dried fruit and a little leftover Thai food - - to finish up two pieces of writing that could mean major changes in my life . One was a thousand - word essay that , if the editor buys it , will net me the single largest writing check I 've received to date , and possibly signal the beginning of a relationship that will free me to do more writing and less catering . The other piece is just as meaningful : an 800 - word sample that will help a different editor decide between three or four applicants for the same weekly column . A column which would mean a larger beat , a larger readership , and a better - looking resume . Which is a lot more intense than I realized , especially now that both pieces have hit their e - mail targets and both women have told me they 'll get back to me by next week . And I don 't know what to do in the meantime . I mean , I have a lot that needs doing , like laundry , and a lot that I want to do , like knit and paint . But the big - picture thinking I meant to do this week , I need to put on hold until I know about the column . So I 'm lolling around , basically , trying not to think about it . Yes it 's noon on a Wednesday and I 'm postcoital and still in my robe and trying to decide whether to clean house this afternoon or just go to the zoo , and I know how some of you dayjob folks feel about that , but then you probably have health insurance and know when you 're getting your next paycheck , so we 're even . Well . . . Something I didn 't think about when I left ILM in a huff to be a writer was how much of a shark it would mean becoming . You know , the whole keep moving thing . I was thinking about this last night , how once a week for seven years , someone walked into my office with a check with my name on it . Wow , was that luxurious . I sent this to MonkeyScientist , and then I realized I liked it so much I 'll expand it and share it with you too . I am really , really loopy this morning . I 've had a two - hour nap and half a pound of dried nectarines ; my viscera are making all kinds of fascinating noises . I have one more article to finish and then I 'm going back to bed . S / he 's going to want me to change the piece I just e - mailed . Possibly quite a bit . I am not the piece ; the piece is not me . I can change the piece . I want to change the piece . The thought of changing the piece to her / his specifications fills me with radiant joy and love . There are enough spankings to go around . So every hot lesbian at Fairy Butch 's Hanukkah Ho - Down ! could get in a few whacks , and there was still some spankage left for my dear friends . That one very genteel butch in the vest and tie , man , she thought I was a lot older than I am . I can tell just by looking this morning . Fortunately I 'm not modeling this week . Poor AX . In his endless quest to bring rootin ' tootin ' bloggy goodness to the masses , he occasionally finds gems like this site , where you can buy all sorts of things like T - shirts that show you believe we should " nuke ' em all and let Allah sort it out . " I just hope he hadn 't finished a nice big meal when he rolled into MetroSpy . I 've had an apple and some chorizo , myself , and am feeling queasy . I 'm also tempted to disinfect my keyboard , or my eyes , or something . Is it snarky for me to point out that these people can 't even freaking spell ? " Dispite " ? " Site " for " sight " ? Is it their patriotic , God - loving fervor that makes them type so fast and ignore spellcheck so thoroughly ? Or is that the " fukkin liberals " mentioned on their Frogweenies bulletin board have taken over our educational system and rendered everyone illiterate ? The biggest surviving species , actually . There used to be bigger , slower ones , the size of small cows , but you know what happens to big , slow , small - cow - sized things with no natural predators when humans finally make their appearance . Indri are black and white , and weigh about thirty pounds apiece . They are the only lemur species that can 't be bred in captivity , and also the only ones without tails . Although I was originally tapped to pass hors d ' ouevres , about an hour into the party , Sleek moved me onto door duty . Apparently last year when we did this party , the guests complained afterwards that they hadn 't been told where anything was . So this year our salesperson budgeted to have one person who just opened the door between the main hall of the museum and the courtyard , and told people going through the door where they could find the seafood buffet , the coffee station , the dessert display , their ass with both hands , etcetera . Whoops , did I write that out loud ? Anyway . Red was on the job , and got bored , so I was sent to take over . And I have no idea how Red had managed to do it for a whole hour . Oh my god , was it ever boring . And made worse by the fact that every person who came through the door had to say something witty like , is this your whole job tonight ? and you should get a doorstop ( the site forbids it ) and you got the easy job ! and I had to nod and grin like , like , one of those robot dogs . As it happens , it wasn 't really that easy . The reflected light from the hall made it difficult to see through the door , and it was kind of tricky telling whether the people I was seeing were on my side of the door or the other . And the place was so packed that I couldn 't really open the door all the way , I had to keep it sort of half - open , sort of Schroedinger 's Cat - like . Is the cat alive ? Is the cat dead ? Is the courtyard full of poison from a capsule broken by a decaying electron ? I know that some writers love to do that thing where you look at strangers , and try to imagine what their stories might be . Apaprently that 's very big among fiction writers , or at least among people who teach fiction writing . So I thought , okay , I 'll try it : after all , I 'm using about a half of one percent of my brain capacity here . This could give me ideas for stories I could write when I get home , and sell for lots of money , and never have to open this damn door for another person again . Until I started imagining that every last one of them was a criminal of some kind , and I had to figure out what kind as they walked past . And then , wow , I was on a roll . Insider trading was a little old man with a much younger woman trailing behind him . A woman with big teased hair was mail fraud . I saw at least two pedophiles . I am a bad person , but it was hilarious , and nobody knew why I was smiling so much as they walked through my half - open door . At least , until I got so bored that I nearly fell asleep and clocked an Assistant Vice President sporting teeth like big planks of IKEA melamine - covered fibreboard with my door . Please tell Sleek that I 'm about to pass out here , I asked a passing FP ( Fellow Penguin - - cf . WIT , Worker In Tux ) , and thirty - five minutes after I 'd assumed door duty , I was back out with the hors d ' ouevre tray . I just got home from a holiday party for some bank , down in Palo Alto . It wasn 't great , it wasn 't painful ; there 's a cook who regularly flirts with me who was being a ' performance chef ' , which means that he was out on the floor carving lamb where I could see him as I was bussing and passing hors d ' ouevres and so on , and that was nice . I wouldn 't date this man - - we want very different things , as he 's made clear from our conversations in the past - - but he makes me feel sexy , no small feat when I 'm wearing a tux and feeling about eight feet around at the hips . The guests were no worse than usual , and I ate quite a few handmade truffles , washed down with a heart - stopping quantity of dairy products loosely bound with potato . My ride and I regaled each other on the way back with stories of what we 'd like to do to Dubya and his pack of thieves , and I 'm home before ten , which should mean that I get an article done and a shower before I go to bed . Bit o ' news , E begins . All good here , in Vancouver at present . . . being a husband . Yup . Married at City Hall , San Francisco , 2 weeks ago . And then he names her , as if I didn 't know her name , as if I didn 't know that he met her no more than four days after dumping my ass because he thought he " should be alone for a while " , as if he hadn 't put me on the e - mail list of people who got the updates from their trip to Israel , about eating melon in the afternooon in their hotel room in Tel Aviv and napping with her in the sweltering heat . How do I know it 's not me , I asked MonkeyScientist Sunday , after we 'd already had an awkward conversation about this delicate thing we 've been doing , this very limited engagement before he expatriates , how do I know it 's not me when every man I 've ever really loved , really thought I might have a future with , has married the next woman he dated ? And I counted off on my fingers : Jer , BowlCut , Slice , E . MonkeyScientist folded down two of my fingers because there was actually someone between me and the woman BowlCut married , and because E wasn 't married . That 's not true , he said . Fifty percent . Seventy - five percent now . And the fact is , they 're all married , some of them quite gloatingly ( I 've been to BowlCut 's wife 's Web site . The self - congratulatoriness ain 't pretty , let me tell you ) - - and I 'm not . And I know it shouldn 't matter ; that I 'm a fine person all by myself , with my own interesting life , blah blah fucking blah , but where is the man who has MY back ? Who will love me , and travel with me , and think about building a family with me while I still have a fresh egg or two left , before the DES damage means I need to have my damn misshapen precancerous cervix taken out , and be there to come home to when I 've had a night like tonight and just really want my shoulders rubbed and my hair stroked ? Who is interested to see what kind of adventure we can have together ? And the knowledge that I would be miserable now if I 'd stayed with some of these guys isn 't helpful . I mean , it will be later . But the burning that is rising in me now is making that clear , smooth truth hard to hold onto . So I write it here , knowing that I 'm going to distress some people , that some of you are going to worry about me , and some others wonder about my stability . Whatever . I have to say it here because I CAN NOT write the e - mail back to E that I so deeply , desperately want to write . I will be okay in the morning . I may even be okay after my shower , especially if I take a beer in there with me . But this part right now , this part sucks . You see , I started him , oh , I dunno , nine months or a year ago ? I threw a party , when I still rented a studio in the dojo and had the space to craft with other people ; a guy I 'd met online came over and taught half a dozen of us how to make sock animals . We sat at two long tables pushed together , covered in socks , embroidery floss , polyester stuffing , and buttons . We ate snacks . I got everything done but one ear , and sewing closed the feet . And then we had to clean up and get out ; I was going to a show , Snufkina had to get home , our sock monkey maestro had evening plans . I had the second ear all cut out . I told myself I would sew it on when I got home that night from the theater . I 'm not sure I made it home that night . It 's entirely possible I slept in AX 's nice warm apartment , or in the grotty child - infested Mission flat I inhabited for a mere three months , I don 't remember . What is certain is that when I consolidated my life into one space , the wonderful Spaceship ( which now , finally , boasts an honest bed , but that 's another story ) , my monkey made the trip with just one ear , and the real danger of losing the fine muscular definition in his legs as a result of polyester batting attrition . He 's been sitting on one of my bookcases ever since , a mute testimony to my congenital disability to finish the things I start . For a while , I made things even worse on myself : I have a somewhat Thelemic affirmation that I painted on a sheet of paper and tried to tape to the door . Every single THING is a manifestation of will , it reads , What is your WILL ? I was trying , when I wrote it out , to remind myself that I am the only one around here responsible for kicking myself in the butt and making things happen . But in my usual fashion , I didn 't stretch the paper before I painted it , and the warping from the water made the paper buckle and ripple and become generally unstickable using the advanced adhesive technology I was trying to employ ( Blu - Tak ) and I ended up propping the sad , wrinkly thing up on the bookshelf , against the monaural sock monkey . You see the problem . A half - baked sock monkey next to an ineffective sign about getting stuff done . Sitting directly across the narrow hallway from the bathroom , the door of which I usually leave open if I 'm alone in the Spaceship when I 'm , you know . So the other day , feeling sad and sore and a little overwhelmed , I got out a needle and sewed the ear on . With the red embroidery floss still in the needle from when I was working on my bellydance belt because I was afraid if I stopped to look around for lavender thread , I 'd forget what I was doing and end up taking a nap instead . You can 't see the red thread in the photo because I have cunningly placed the sock monkey with the new ear away from the camera , but I assure you , it 's there . The whole ear is , in fact , significantly lower than the first ear , and the stitching on the feet looks like a four - year - old did it , but come on . This is not haute couture . Spent the afternoon in a very warm room naked and pressed lightly back to back to back against the little Rastafied Indian temple goddess and a young woman of Sicilian origin with fascinating tattoos , our arms intertwined . We listened to Ella Fitzgerald and talked about everything from Farsi funerary rites to " Lost in Translation " as an artist who 's trying to burn off a generous grant by the end of the year sculpted us in wax . I had my fingertips resting against the Sicilian 's hip ; the temple goddess ' dreds brushed against my butt every time she laughed . Bob at Whirl - a - go - go points us to an artist who photographs and mounts her own Viewmaster reels . Right now you can get Italo Calvino 's Invisible Cities , a set of four Franz Kafka parables acted out by little plastic figures , and lucifugia thigmotaxis , which is apparently a story about a cockroach . The cardboard part of the reels is letterpressed , and the narration comes on a separate CD notable for the charming ding tone indicating that it 's time to move on to the next image . Are having sex for the second time today . Taking longer than usual , too ; the first time , I was talking to my mother on the phone , and by the time I got up to put on some music to cover , they 'd finished . In a minute , I 'll hear his heavy footsteps , and possibly the sound of the television being turned on . Huh , no , they 're really working at it today . In a minute , it sounds like I 'll know their names . Maybe they took a class or something ; usually it 's much more perfunctory . Jesus , was that the sound of someone falling off the bed ? Are there more people up there than usual ? That thumping is new . I think they 're done now . That 's insane , he 's saying . I am sore tempted to go up and ask what new thing they were doing , because it has never sounded like that before . And I work from home , so I 've heard a lot of the before . But that sounded epic . It 's not that I don 't like hearing it . I just don 't like hearing it when I 'm not having any myself . Blasted holiday . Posted by Pancakes for dinner tonight . Deeply misshapen ones ; I made them bigger than I could comfortably flip with my spatula , and they got all squished up and had tendrils flying off everywhere and droplets of batter sizzling away , far from the main body of the pancake amoeba . I ate the first two with my fingers while I made the rest , and ate the rest with butter and syrup . The interesting thing about the mix is that the instructions tell you to adjust the amount of milk depending on how thick or thin you want the cakes . Which got me thinking about the difference between thick and thin pancakes , or cookies , or brownies , or seared ahi filets , or chicken cutlets , or anything prepared with heat . Because it 's really a question of the ratio of surface area to volume , isn 't it ? A thick pancake mostly tastes of the interior , while a thin one the exterior . Your preference for thin over thick , or vice versa , could be a direct indicator of how cooked you want something to taste . Had a foodie moment around this recently , talking to Thread about a disappointing loaf of so - called artisan bread I 'd bought at the UN Plaza farmer 's market . The crumb was too dense , I told her , and then had to explain that there are two different names for the " parts " of bread , interior and exterior , crumb and crust . I hadn 't know that before I started catering . Yes , the outside is the crust , but for years I thought the guts didn 't have their own name . Crumb . Which is linguistically curious : crumbs are obviously small bits of crumb , but crumbs don 't add up to crumb . Crumb is not a mass noun , like water or sugar . Anyway . I had a babysitter when we lived in Mason ( isn 't it cute ? ) who would deliberately overbake the cookies she made , because she liked the burnt taste . Maybe also because that way she guaranteed that she didn 't have to share with the rest of her family . If I have access to a pan of lasagna or macaroni and cheese , I 'll go for the darker stuff around the edges first . I like the edges because they 're chewier , and somehow richer than the center . I mean , I 'm happy to eat the center too , of course . But a tender center 's not as exciting as the crunchy burnt bits . Maybe it 's something primal or atavistic about me , the same impulse that makes vegetarianism so difficult to maintain : I want to chew and rip and tear . Went to see Polk County at the Berkeley Rep tonight . Mixed experience ; the show itself was strong , but I was in a funk that I was having a difficult time shaking . Winter is always a hard season for me , even out here where it 's not so awful . . . the reality that MonkeyScientist will be gone come the new year is sinking in . . . I 'm questioning my commitment to the troupe . . . and I 'm feeling bored in my work , all three strands of it . Anyway . In the lobby after the show , I ran into Bounce , a fight choreographer I had the real pleasure of interviewing a couple years back for an article . He was a real friend during the time my dad was failing ; said some very useful things nobody was saying . So we 're talking , and I notice that he 's wearing a ring on the meaningful finger , and he admits that he 's getting married come January . I give him a big hug and tell him how happy I am for them , and he says , rather abashedly , not to B , but to K , who I haven 't met . Then he told me that right after the wedding , he 's getting on a cruise ship ( sans bride ) for six months to perform in a new Cirque du Soleil project . He 'd gotten the call two weeks into rehearsals . They needed a tenth man with his skills ; how soon could he get to Montreal for an audition ? Despite what everyone told me , I knew we had a future together . It won 't last , said the experts . That kind can 't be counted on . I was told that he would be capricious , that he wasn 't strong enough for me , that I needed more juice , more oomph than he could provide . That without a cord connecting him to the wall and thus a steady power supply , it could be just a matter of months before we were through . But my little Hitachi " personal massager " , the second in a proud Japanese dynasty ruling the Waterbones empire , lasted years without complaint . Asking only that I keep up a steady supply of readily - available C batteries ( I can 't be the only woman in the world who 's jumped panting out of bed to dig through the junk drawer and strip the flashlight , right ? I sure hope my old roommates don 't have any power outages any time soon , because they 've got a surprise waiting for them ) , quiet and discreet , tastefully shaped like an overgrown vitamin pill : I bought this one in 1992 to replace the one I had in college ( that itself made it through many a finals week unscathed ) and it gave me twelve years ( ! ) of dedicated service . Which is about four times what my most serious boyfriend managed , and he had all those pesky needs of his own . I was starting to think my little blue - and - white friend was immortal , and I was overjoyed that I had a friend I could share him with . Which is how it came to pass that I wasn 't alone when Hitachi - san - - sporting a fresh battery purchased in haste from a 7 - 11 on Clement Street , not pilfered from anyone 's disaster gear , thankyouverymuch - - began the most pathetic imaginable death rattle . First a good solid buzz , then a slowing , then nothing . Shaking helped , but only so much ; there 'd be a burst of enthusiasm , but within seconds we 'd go through the whole cycle again . The next time I hit the switch , I was alone and hoping for at least a brief , sweet , private farewell . I got nothing whatsoever . Hitachi - san , my friend in many a dark hour , boon travel companion , the point of light in my struggle with tendinitis in my wrists , was well and truly gone . As I wrote last night to the last person to see Hitachi - san alive , I may bury it , my most faithful companion , in the yard , after a suitably tasteful state funeral . I was thinking about a velvet - lined shoebox , maybe . But in the cold light of day I remember that the yard still hasn 't been landscaped , and when they come to do that , digging up a vibrator in a cushioned box could be a little weird . But just dumping it in the trash seems somehow disrespectful . Perhaps I could make a collage around it ? Refashion the plastic shell into a dollhouse accessory or a tiny planter ? Rest in peace , Hitachi - san . You were a good friend and ally , and asked so little in return . You may be replaced , but you will never be forgotten . Which is how I found Ellina at Screaming Monkeys Attack , apparently a waitress - slash - writer - slash - cellist . She 's got one real post up so far , and it 's long and complex , but beautiful . Waitressing and Arvo Part and sunlight . Check it out . TMI , as it tends to get used , usually connotes something beyond what the hearer is comfortable with . A good example might be talking about your hemmorhoid surgery at a fancy cocktail party . MITIN , as I see it , is something beyond the hearer 's level of patience - - but it 's not necessarily messy , distasteful , or somehow inappropriate . So if I say that my conversation with the guy who fixed my , oh , toaster was MITIN , what I 'm saying is that I didn 't really need to know how the heating element works , or how many pieces of wire there are inside the average Westinghouse toaster versus the average Braun toaster , or who invented the first toaster and what that meant to the development of a democratic society . I don 't need to know those things to okay his going ahead with the needed repair . TMI and MITIN do share in common that they are completely in the eye of the beholder and fluctuate according to situation . I don 't think Snufkina or Thread , for example , have TMI thresholds ( except perhaps hearing about their parents ' sex lives ) , while I know that Sleek does have one , and it 's directly related to the mechanics of straight sex ( can 't use the word moist in conversation with him , about anything , because it makes him think about girl parts , which he really prefers not to do . ) MITIN 's the same , and then some : I was happy to hear all about the innards of my car before I agreed to have her disemboweled , but I don 't really need to know what Muscles did to make my computer work again - - although I am of course deeply grateful that he did . So . I recognize that my writing style is probably MITIN for a lot of people , and bless those of you who like being " in the center of my life " , as my godmother said of reading my essay . And there 's some stuff coming up that may be a little TMI - - how can I put this ? I 've been in a pretty intense sexual situation for a few months , and I 'm learning things from it that I would love to talk about here , things as meaningful in their own way as watching my father fade out - - but ours is not a culture which can handle talking seriously about sex . I 'm casting about here a little , I know . I guess this is just a heads - up . I 'm going to be talking about sex more and death less and catering hopefully very little unless it 's entertaining ; bear with me . D and I volunteered to be among the first staff cut tonight ; the party ( a corporate open house ) had run an hour past the official end time , yet our manager was trying to stick to the original allotment of staff hours he 'd been given , so people had to go . I used to feel weird about being among the first to leave , especially with this particular manager . I thought it reflected badly on my dedication , blah blah blah , I imagined that he was narrowing his eyes as he noted that yet again , I was piping up that I would like to leave . No more . I 'm a manager myself now , and responsible for staying until the bitter end of the parties I 've been given to run ; I don 't feel obligated to do the same for events that aren 't mine . And I 'm really past caring whether upper management thinks I 'm dedicated or not . The parties I 've managed since they put me back on ( it took a while , after my extended absence ; I captained a lot ) have come off smoothly , if we don 't count the Great Cheese Riot . The feedback has been good , nothing major has been lost , broken , or set afire on one of my parties , and I haven 't made any staff cry lately . While I may not be a shining example of the ultimate floor manager , I 'm doing my job competently . But I digress . D agreed to drive me home , so I wouldn 't have to wait for Emperor , who is driving on his spare tire today . Very , very , slowly and nervewrackingly . D and I used one of the unassigned cubicles to change out of our tuxedos ( there 's a whole big cube farm this company hasn 't filled yet , it 's a little eerie ) and I was done first . I 've been wanting to do this all night , I told her , and proceeded to crawl under the desk , into the dark little space bounded by desk and cube wall . Now nobody knows where I am . D humored me for a moment - - calling my name , asking loudly if anyone had seen me , and so forth . And then , because she knows a good idea when she sees one , she crawled under the desk with me . Which is when things got really silly . Here we were , two adult women , curled up in the fetal position under a desk . Railing against the circumstances and our own inability to find lucrative work we believe in that keeps us beholden to catering , to all the frustration and waste that catering entails . Wouldn 't it be funny if we stayed here until they thought we were all gone , and we could hear what they said about us ? she said , meaning the clients . Wouldn 't it be funny if we stayed until after they left , I shot back , and went in and rewrote all their stuff ? Then we speculated on whether there was a high - tech security system with lasers , like in any movie you 've seen that involved a heist , that would cut us to ribbons the minute we crawled out from under the desk . Then I pressed my face into the carpet and moaned , Goodbye cruel world ! I 'm going to huff the formaldehyde outgassing from this industrial carpet and end it all ! It 's moments like these - - or the Contraband Scavenger Hunt at the coming - out party Danielle Steel threw for her daughter , or the bus trip back from a Big Sur gig where one of the other managers demonstrated his fellatio technique with a ( very long ) banana , or every time I do a little swing dancing with the chef who beat throat cancer last year who , regal in his whites and Dansko clogs , dips me until my braid brushes the kitchen floor - - that make it hard for me to imagine leaving catering . I don 't remember liking anyone at ILM this much , except Almeida ; here I 'm surrounded by awesome people . If we could all go form another company , some other sort of thing altogether , that would be perfect . Daryl was looking for baseball stuff and found Majikthise instead ; I 'm not linking to any particular post of hers because I 'm overwhelmed by the choices . Philosophy that works . Just go . Sometimes your sarcasm comes off as biting and abrasive . You can be brutally honest , tactless , and truthful even when it hurts . You 're such a free spirit that you find it hard to commit to one person Someone high energy who will pick up and out with you whenever . Is creative and fun - thinking of new adventures for the two of you . Is bold . . . and not afraid to tell you " I love you " early on Daring . You 're always pushing to try something new in the bedroom . Full of imagination . You 've always got a new fantasy you 're dying to try . Spritually driven . Sex for you can be an other - worldy act . Realize that while freedom is great - sometimes a stable relationship is better . It 's not all about you . Focus on your parnter 's needs every once and a while . Make up your mind about your parnter , and stick to it . Your fickle will ruin things otherwise . This woman , wearing denim painter 's pants and slightly banged - up red Timberlands , was sitting across from me in the AirBART shuttle from Oakland Airport today . She 's going to be speaking at an event down in San Jose as one of a batch of " Online Divas " ; I watched her trying to explain blogging to a hefty suit with a Southern accent . He held her card in one hand for a long time as she held forth on the election , gesticulating and smiling . Anyway . I 'm watching her talk this guy up , and waiting for an opportunity to say something , introduce myself , do a little blogger shmoozing , but she 's totally into her conversation . I assume , from the way he didn 't put her card away right off , that the guy has probably done business with the Japanese . The bus pulls up to the Coliseum station and we all tumble off . I notice that she 's only carrying a backpack , and think it strange , but I 'm so intimidated by her focus on the suit that I don 't say anything . Once inside the station , I sidle up to them and try to help them navigate the BART ticket - buying maze , but she 's having none of it . I need to ask her [ the information person in the booth ] a question . Here I 'm thinking , hey , bloggers gotta look out for each other , but no dice . Here 's the 2005 reading schedule so far for the anthology I 'm in . I 'm definitely going to read in San Francisco and Berkeley ; there is a possibility that I might read in Cambridge as well . If one of these is in your town , stop by in any case ; there 's some great stuff in the collection . February 11 : Politics & Prose , Washington DC February 22 : Modern Times Bookstore , San Francisco February 24 : Black Oak Books , Berkeley Pooja is talking about getting together dates in Seattle , Chicago , and Pittsburgh as well ; I 'll post those as soon as they 're firm . Also , there 's going to be a review of the book in the December issue of Elle magazine . Yes , I find that weird , but what can you do ? Publicity 's publicity . Posted by My mom just forwarded me an online petition regarding Winky and Wanda , the Detroit Zoo 's Asian elephants . The girls are getting on in years , and the Zoo would like to send them to a nice big elephant sanctuary in a warm place ( Tennesee or California ) where their arthritis and other health problems wouldn 't be so burdensome . Here 's what Hugh McDiarmid at the Freep has to say about it . Seems like the right thing to do , right ? Well , apparently other members of the American Zoo Association are protesting the move ; their counter proposal is that the elephants be sent to the Columbus Zoo instead . There are already elephants there , and the climate 's not a whole lot better . The hard concrete of their winter lodgings gets woodchips sprinkled on it " from time to time to break up the monotony " and the animals would still not have enough space . This wouldn 't be any kindness to Winky and Wanda . The people circulating the petition believe the other zoos are being snarky about this because it 's an ethical slap in the face : here 's the Detroit Zoo making a decision based entirely on the elephants ' comfort , and not on keeping a big draw ( elephants mean money to zoos ) . I 'm not sure this is completely accurate . I 've known of other zoos that have yielded their animals when it seemed to be in the animals ' best interest , and I do believe that many zoos do try to balance ethics with the bottom line . The whole question of whether there should be zoos or not - - and I struggle with that - - aside , I 've seen that zoos like our own Oakland and ( increasingly ) San Francisco zoo do try to do the right thing . But sending these elephants from Detroit to Columbus just seems wrong . I signed the petition . I hope you 'll consider doing so too . Here 's one more interesting article , from the Humane Society of the United States , that goes into more detail on the AZA , standards for elephant care , and so on . And here 's a cute piece about the opening of the Detroit Zoo ; it seems that the people who built the zoo were told that if they didn 't get the enclosures finished on schedule , the animals would be housed with them . I 've said it before , I 'll say it again ; there will be a time when we look back at these years and wonder why it was so difficult to imagine gay people marrying the way we now marvel at how blacks and whites were once prohibited from marrying . There will be a time when all women and men have the right to choose what happens to their bodies . There will be a time when the sovereignty of every individual is recognized and honored . Maybe not in our lifetimes , but that 's a chance we have to take . People like Dr . King and Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Harvey Milk didn 't know whether they would see true and lasting change , but that didn 't stop them from getting out of bed in the morning . Every movement for change has its setbacks , but if you look at where we are now , compared to where we were a century - - fifty years - - even just ten years ago - - the larger pattern reveals a slow swell of social evolution towards a more just and humane society . History will vindicate every person who sighs now and puts their shoulder back to the wheel . I know it 's exhausting . I know it 's disheartening . But there has been real change , and the fact that we need to fight to defend it doesn 't invalidate all the work the generations before us put in . I 'm finding writing anything I don 't absolutely have to completely exhausting , and the work is uninspired . My NaNoWriMo count has slowed to a crawl . I want to write to friends but I don 't know what to say . No progress on any of the art projects . After the election , and some of the wretched things Bush has said in the past couple of days , I 'm feeling pretty listless on the creative effort front . The artists I 'm working for are feeling it too . So far I 've modeled every day this week - - one day I did two gigs - - tomorrow is the last job of the week , and then I get a day off . Upshot is that the people I 've been seeing the most of are all artists , and they 're all furious and despairing . They stab at the clay and fitfully crumple up the drawings that don 't please them . So I 'm working doubly hard to be giving , present , engaged as a model . Putting out more than the usual amount of energy . Sweating more than usual ; this morning I could feel it running down the insides of my legs , which is unusual , to say the least . Senator Kerry has asked us to extend our hands to the people who gave Bush a second term . There was the obligatory talk of letting the healing begin . Someone on NPR was talking about how the more mature members of the two big parties will doubtless make an effort to bridge the tremendous , acrimonious gap that has appeared in our society . That 's all well and good , but a little too abstract for me right now . What I want to know is how those of us who were counting on an end to the Bush presidency heal ourselves , and what constructive steps we can take so that we don 't lose faith altogether . I 've talked to an astonishing number of people who are considering , with various levels of seriousness , becoming expatriates . That 's one answer , and there 's a lot to be said for it , but those of us who are staying need other stuff to do . The thing is , there are really two separate issues here . One is that Bush is still president , with all that entails ; the lies , misdirection , Halliburton , etcetera . The other is that slightly more than half of our neighbors raised their voices in support of a worldview that many social liberals find deeply troubling , and we 've got to get our heads around what that means . Four years ago we could howl about a stolen election and believe that the country really didn 't want Bush . This time , although I 've heard that there were troubling anomalies , the disturbing fact is laid bare : half the country thinks Bush is the man for the job . This was not a political election , but a cultural one , says another NPR guest I 'm too shell - shocked to catch a name for . But I don 't believe there is a culture war going on in this country . I don 't know how to handle the second problem . I 'm feeling personally attacked by this election ; the news that my childhood home was one of the eleven states that passed a gay marriage ban ( even if it did go blue ) surprises me . The realization that so many people believe that the government has a right , nay , an obligation , to make personal choices for me sickens me . The news that an unusual number of women went for Bush shames me . I have no idea how to make any of this better . I 'm not sure how to fight the culture war . We need to stay on top of our senators and representatives . We need to encourage them to redouble their efforts ; we can 't afford to have them missing votes or confirmation hearings . Rehnquist is hanging on by a thread , and we 'll probably find that some of the other Supremes were stuffed with sawdust and propped up in their chairs years ago . One commentator noted yesterday that the Court Bush appoints will affect our society for the next forty years . That 's two generations . I plan to be alive at the other end of that span , and hopefully not rotting in jail for sedition because I 've shown up at a rally in a provocative T - shirt , which tells me that We need to pay attention to what the adminstration is doing . I 'm embarrassed to admit that I didn 't know all the provisions of the Patriot Act until a bookstore clerk told me he wouldn 't be noting which books I was purchasing , just how much I 'd paid for them . So if the mirrored - sunglasses dudes came asking what I 'd been reading , Bookstore Guy wouldn 't be able to tell them . I 'd had no idea . But then , I hadn 't really thought anything so heinous could clear both houses . Guess what ? It can , it has , it will . We need to know what 's being considered so we don 't , as the Who says , get fooled again ; here 's the site for Senate bills , and here 's the House of Representatives . Let 's keep an eye out for organizations that the Right opposes . I 'm betting folks like Planned Parenthood are going to need more help in the future - - time , energy , money . If Roe v . Wade is attacked again - - and it will be - - these people are going to need our help . I know my mother 's feeling exhausted as she reads this ; I 'm past the age myself where I can easily imagine standing in front of a clinic at six am in the rain . In a perfect world we wouldn 't have to keep fighting this battle . In this world , there is coffee . Consider volunteering in general . Doesn 't matter who for , as long as you believe in them . I recommend this because I 've found that volunteer work goes a long way towards helping me climb out of depressive states , and it feels a lot better in the long run than hunkering down with the raw cookie dough ( although I 'm doing that too . ) While I 'm not prepared to try to put a good face on what happened Tuesday , neither am I willing to give in to the temptation ( strong as it is ) to retreat from the world , because that helps nothing . Ranting about Tuesday isn 't making me feel any better either , so I 'm going to try to keep a leash on that . The arenas above are where I plan to take the energy , try to spin my anger and dismay into something useful . San Francisco City Hall , North Light Court , 2 pm Election Day . There are ranks of folding chairs set up on either side of an aisle leading from the atrium to the stairs to the ground floor . On one side , the signs tell us , sit the clerks . On the other , the inspectors . Waiting their turns to staff the polls . I am feeling especially conspicuous ; having modeled this morning for painters who wanted " a lot of color " , I am wearing a very silly sundress with a crinoline , and yarn braided into my hair . I hope people don 't think this is my special voting outfit . That one 's got fringe . This , I feel like saying , is my job interview outfit . Absentee ballot , man . I didn 't even have to get in the line ; a woman asked if I was ready to hand in the ( signed , sealed ) envelope I had in my hand , and I watched her put it in the box . So I got to fill out the ballot in the privacy of my own home , and do some people watching . Best of all possible worlds . Been meaning to carry my camera more consistently ; San Francisco is full of wall art , officially sanctioned and otherwise , and I love capturing it . This fella Drew , meanwhile , likes putting it up . No small feat in Malaysia . Fortunately for him , the cops are all apparently too fat to catch him . I had no idea that the BART Police had SWAT teams . I mean , I know I shouldn 't be surprised ; the officers you do see around on the platforms and trains have guns and everything . But I mostly think about them wandering around making sure nobody eats or plays loud music or hawks loogies onto the cloth seats . When there 's a hostage situation , where do the BART SWAT snipers take their positions ? On the escalators ? Do they have their own bomb squad ? They must . It 's going to take a little doing for me to get my head around this . And once I 've accepted it , I plan to start work on a TV pilot about the pulse - pounding adventures of transit cops . Because really , nobody else has done it . Just a friendly reminder that if you live with a pure black or pure white cat , you might want to keep her indoors for the next few days . I don 't know if it 's true that misguided individuals like to snatch such beasties for evil Halloweeny purposes , but why risk it ? I was in the vet 's waiting room once with a man who 'd brought in his cat because someone had nabbed her and carved a symbol into her chest ( probably as part of a gang initiation , he thought ) ; he was a complete wreck . Tough - seeming guy , too . And that wasn 't during the spooky season . Well , I did it . Survived my first public performance as a member of a professional dance troupe . I 'm , to quote the velveteen rabbit , a real rabbit now . Yesterday was just lovely all the way around . I 'd managed somehow to not schedule any catering or modeling or lunch commitments , so I could spend the day leisurely getting ready for our show at the Odeon . Went to Piedmont Boutique to buy some odds and ends - - false eyelashes , fishnets - - and ended up walking out with a pair of hot pants covered in red holographic sequins , a pvc - covered bra , a new garter belt , two big fluffy hair doodads covered in red feathers . Oh , and a pair of false eyelashes with rhinestones on the band that you glue to the eyelid . A much different look than our usual garb , but Jill wanted something with a retro burlesque feel . As I was handing the woman behind the counter my bank card , I said something rueful about not paying rent . Well you 'll look great standing out on the street , she noted , after you get evicted . Let me tell you , dahlings , if I stand out on the street in these items , making rent will not be a problem . I was giggling all the way home on the bus , which was tricky because I was trying not to breathe through my nose ( anyone who 's taken a bus to or from the Haight knows what I 'm talking about here ) and trying to keep my feathers from getting crushed in the press of unwashed bodies . The rest of the preparations went pretty smoothly . I cleaned up , played a CD Snufkina had made of my favorite music , and tried to still my breathing so I wouldn 't end up with eyeshadow all over my forehead . I 'd left a lot of time , knowing I needed to get those lashes on , and that turned out to be a good thing . Last night was my first time applying my own falsies , unless you count that time in a parked car in SOMA at night , which I don 't ; I was afraid I 'd glued my left eye shut for good and gave up on the whole enterprise . Last night was much better , although the lashes extended out , oh , eight or ten inches from my actual eyes ; my hair kept getting caught in them . By the time I was done , I knew there was no way I was taking BART from the Tenderloin to the Mission , so I got a cab with the world 's most flusterable driver behind the wheel , which was fun . The event itself ? Blur . Six wonderful friends showed up , post - workout , post - work , post - dividing - up - of - the - marital - property , bearing flowers , bearing knitting , bearing with me . MonkeyScientist did not recognize me when I came to say hello , which is pretty funny in light of the fact that we 're sleeping together ; he claims the feathers threw him off . Thread worked on her Halloween costume and drank bourbon . The bar went from thinly populated to packed and raucous , there were a couple of acts before us , and then we were in the tiny backstage area , passing around one small mirror and reapplying lipstick . I did mention that I didn 't fall off the bar , right ? That 's not figurative ; the five of us who hadn 't done the choreography in public before were relegated to the bar , while the group that had got the stage . Which meant that we couldn 't do any of the turns or the floorwork , so we just sort of noodled through those parts , or vogued , or laughed and blew kisses at each other . I sort of remember how that went , and giving up on moving my feet at all when I realized that I had about six inches less to work with than we 'd had in Monday night 's rehearsal , and the realization that the song was coming to a close much earlier than I 'd thought it would . It 's a much longer song in rehearsal . . . I couldn 't see anyone except my troupemates and the tops of the heads of the people at the bar , I missed great big hunks of the choreo , and my plan to grab someone 's drink on one of the posing moments went straight out the window . But I had a great time , got a buck pushed into my stocking , and everyone congratulated TalkyBabe and I when we got back into the dressing room for having made it gracefully through our debut . Then I had my drink , on the house ! Woohoo ! Blotto on one Cape Cod , on top of no food during the day , on top of the most intense feeling of relief . At just about the point where I was going to really start embarrassing myself ( after I 'd kissed both Snufkina and her boyfriend Muscles , who handled it with their usual patience , but before I started kissing strangers ) , MonkeyScientist took me home and fed me ice cream , and his cat tried to eat my feather hair doodads . I have waited nearly a year for last night . And it went just exactly as well as it might have . Although I have to say that I 'm finding the clothes I have on today - - jeans , a grey T - shirt - - unspeakably boring . Boy , I sure do . I was so excited - - I 'd been looking forward to the moment since I was old enough to know what it was . I was eighteen when it happened , which I think is a perfect age - - old enough to be responsible and to understand the consequences , young enough to be enthusiastic . There was even a photo of me doing it , in the school paper . I 've still got a copy . I 've got an oddly distracted look on my face , considering my blissed - out state , and there 's that truly unfortunate asymmetrical haircut , and I 'm sitting on someone 's shoulders holding up a sign . Anyway . I 've been thinking about that first time a lot . I thought about it today , when I went to my mailbox and found that I 'd gotten my absentee ballot from the Registrar of Voters . Yep , I 'm voting paper . It 's a sorry state of affairs that if we want to feel secure that our votes are being counted , we have to vote from the privacy of our own homes . Walking to dinner tonight with AX and Pavlova , the latter talked about how much she loves going to her polling place and running into scads of people she knows , and the former told a story of going during the rush and seeing people spread out over every surface dutifully filling out their ballots and thinking , now there 's democracy . That sounds wonderful to me , but I don 't trust Diebold , or touch screens , or for that matter the poll workers I 've dealt with in the past who hadn 't mastered the rudiments of sorting things by alpha order ( I have two last names , which makes things all the more complicated for these folks ) . There 's a whole aspect to it , really , that Moveon . org hasn 't played up , but should . The sex appeal . The upstanding citizens at Votergasm get it . Incidentally yes , I 've signed the pledge , at the American Hero level . Even if it means I 've consigned myself to a sexless hell for the next four years , I love the drama of the gesture - - and if it means I only sleep with non - American nationals , that 's not all bad . And I think American Heroes can still graciously allow American non - voters to go down on them . But I digress . Think of all the fun you can have , voting from home ! Knowing that you can take as long as you want , dressed however you like , in whatever position , at whatever hour of the day is your best for that sort of thing - - now that 's hot . You can do it on the floor , the counter , the kitchen table . You can incorporate any sort of food or toys you like , as long as you fill everything out properly , don 't smear the ink , or catch your ballot on fire . Remember that scene in Dangerous Liasons where John Malkovich writes a steamy letter using a beautiful woman as his writing desk ? Afterwards , the ballot goes neatly into its envelope ( you don 't even need a stamp , is this a cheap date or what ? ) and then you can either slide the whole thing into a willing mailbox , or walk it over to City Hall and hand it saucily to one of the nice people waiting there for it . And la voila , nobody is the wiser . I 'm being silly , yes . But after the last election , our national rape fantasy 's been getting played out in horrible , vivid detail because , in part , too many people still believe voting doesn 't matter , and too many others don 't believe that blatant vote fraud is worth addressing . Anything we can do this time around to rectify those errors is worthwhile . For crying out loud , members of our own Congress have asked for international observers to come monitor our elections ( if you still think it 's just benighted banana republics that can 't run an honest election - - if you 're one of those folks who felt that the Florida debacle should be ignored because it was " time to get on with our lives " - - you really need to read Rivka 's post over at Respectful of Otters on voter fraud in Nevada . )
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University of Houston . Kyriazis , Eleni - Kyriazis transcript , 1 of 1 . October 4 , 2010 . Special Collections , University of Houston Libraries . University of Houston Digital Library . Web . June 24 , 2017 . http : / / digital . lib . uh . edu / collection / houhistory / item / 765 / show / 764 . Disclaimer : This is a general citation for reference purposes . Please consult the most recent edition of your style manual for the proper formatting of the type of source you are citing . If the date given in the citation does not match the date on the digital item , use the more accurate date below the digital item . University of Houston . ( October 4 , 2010 ) . Kyriazis , Eleni - Kyriazis transcript , 1 of 1 . Oral Histories from the Houston History Project . Special Collections , University of Houston Libraries . Retrieved from http : / / digital . lib . uh . edu / collection / houhistory / item / 765 / show / 764 Disclaimer : This is a general citation for reference purposes . Please consult the most recent edition of your style manual for the proper formatting of the type of source you are citing . If the date given in the citation does not match the date on the digital item , use the more accurate date below the digital item . University of Houston , Kyriazis , Eleni - Kyriazis transcript , 1 of 1 , October 4 , 2010 , Oral Histories from the Houston History Project , Special Collections , University of Houston Libraries , accessed June 24 , 2017 , http : / / digital . lib . uh . edu / collection / houhistory / item / 765 / show / 764 . Disclaimer : This is a general citation for reference purposes . Please consult the most recent edition of your style manual for the proper formatting of the type of source you are citing . If the date given in the citation does not match the date on the digital item , use the more accurate date below the digital item . This is an oral history interview with Eleni Kyriazis conducted as part of the Houston History Project . Eleni Kyriazis is a member of the Annunciation Greek Orthodox Church in Houston , Texas . She has been the pastry chairwoman for the church 's Greek Festival for twenty - two years , and was the co - chairwoman of the Festival in 2002 . I consider her a leader in Houston world of Greek pastries because of her long - standing and successful leadership position at the Festival . The production of Greek pastries and Eleni 's role as chairwoman of pastries is a great place from which historians can analyze women 's role in food in Houston . The recording of the interview runs just over forty minutes . Eleni Kyriazis was interviewed on October 4 , 2010 at Annunciation Greek Orthodox Church , 3511 Yoakum Boulevard , Houston , TX 77006 . The interview was conducted Kristi Roberts on behalf of the Oral History of Houston Project , Center for Public History , University of Houston . The interview is available at M . D . Anderson Library on the main campus of the university . Subject . Topical ( LCSH ) Educational use only , no other permissions given . Copyright to this resource is held by the content creator , author , artist or other entity , and is provided here for educational purposes only . It may not be reproduced or distributed in any format without written permission of the copyright owner . For more information please see the UH Digital Library Fair Use policy on the " About " page of this website . File Name Eleni Kyriazis is a member of the Annunciation Greek Orthodox Church in Houston , Texas . She has been the pastry chairwoman for the church 's Greek Festival for twenty - two years , and was the co - chairwoman of the Festival in 2002 . I consider her a leader in Houston world of Greek pastries because of her long - standing and successful leadership position at the Festival . The production of Greek pastries and Eleni 's role as chairwoman of pastries is a great place from which historians can analyze women 's role in food in Houston . The recording of the interview runs just over forty minutes . Eleni Kyriazis was interviewed on October 4 , 2010 at Annunciation Greek Orthodox Church , 3511 Yoakum Boulevard , Houston , TX 77006 . The interview was conducted Kristi Roberts on behalf of the Oral History of Houston Project , Center for Public History , University of Houston . The interview is available at M . D . Anderson Library on the main campus of the university . HHA # 00715 Page 1 of 11 EK : I was born in Jaffa , Palestine and I grew up in Aman , Jordan . So I speak Arabic also . But I 've lived in the United States since 1968 . Sorry , so we , I came to the United States to be with him and my child , actually , my oldest daughter was born , she was 17 months old and I loved it , I spoke English so there was no problem there . I had to translate faster from Greek to English , from Arabic to English . And so we loved it and we decided to go back and get our papers ready to come back , because my husband actually studied in Saint Louis University in aeronautical engineering , so he always loved the United States . And actually we officially immigrated February 7 , 1970 . EK : Well actually , the first stopped that we stopped was in Chicago , the doctor was a friend of ours , you know , you need a sponsor to come to the United States , he sponsored us so we went to Chicago , stayed with him for a couple of weeks , but as I said my husband works with airplanes , and all the private airplanes and all the companies that work with them were in Houston . So he already had a job , the job that he was working with he had left to go back and get our papers , they wanted him . So we came to Houston . We were here two days and he was working . He got a job immediately . EK : Well actually , we thought we were always better than other people because we lived with Arabs . And trust me they are wonderful people . And I went to private school ; we went to a nun school . And my friends we had Christian and Muslim girls ; it was an all girls school . But we always felt you know we were a little but better because we were Greek , we always you know thought you were a little bit better . And I still think [ that ] because I 'm Greek . Anyway , But it was fun . Living in Jordan was very nice because it was safe , they were not backwards . I could go to parties with boys just like the United States so when I came here it was not such big difference , for me it was the same . HHA # 00715 Page 2 of 11 EK : Yeah , my mom was the best cook in the world . She made everything . I mean really . We never bought anything to eat . Everything was cooked at home . You made your jam , you made your lemonade . You made your , everything . The cheese , the olives , we get once a year we get your olives and we break them and put them in brine . Everything was done at home . We had a maid , so she always helped and all that . Your cakes you make from scratch , my mom used to make the pita bread . The guy that has the bakery they would come to the house , pick it up , bake it and bring it back . I know , it was the life . So it was very nice . And my mom cooked everything . And I remember every Sunday my cousins would be invited over , because the mother was not living with them , they were divorced . They would come and eat at our house . And their memory was that it was the best meal they had every Sunday , because my mom was a very good cook . I never participated , though . I used to sew . I loved sewing . I would buy fabric and make dresses for myself and my sister , I have a sister , and for my mom also . So when the food was ready she would call me to come and eat , I was very skinny and didn 't eat much . I wish I was like that now ( laughs ) Always we had nice meals . It was always family time . Sunday with my mom we would go to church and come back and have a nice meal . And every day it was really nice . EK : Well my dad actually he was a mechanical engineer , so what he did was install electricity generators and water pumps in farms in Jerico is beside Aman is where all the plants were , you know the bananas and everything because it 's below sea level so it was warm , so every rich family Jordan had a farm over there and my dad used to go install them and then maintain them whenever . So they would call him and send him a car and he would go to Jerico and take care of things and all that . So we never bought bananas by the pound , the whole thing of banana would come to the house , flour , it in those big burlap sacks , sugar it was the same way . I mean , that 's how it was , it was hilarious . But that 's how it is life was so different over there . We had everything but it was so simple . It was really nice . That 's what my dad did , he was very good at what he did , my mom was a teacher before , but then when she got married she stopped working . And that 's what we were doing . And actually my dad worked at King Hussein , was the king then , before now his son is the king , he had a farm and his uncle had a farm actually , so he ( her father ) would go and fix it . And his uncle would come and visit us at the house . And he would come with his driver in a jeep . And he would have a hawk on his hand with a glove and all the neighborhood kids would come to see the hawk . It was very nice , we lived a nice privileged life it was really nice , but it was simple , as I said we were not rich or anything , [ we ] had a house . But we were happy , went to private school and all that . It was nice . My dad had lots of brothers and sisters , my mother had also , about four , two brothers and two sisters . So it was a big family . And we all lived close to each other so we always visited . On Sunday , our house was always open . You know overseas , you ate your big meal at lunch . So , in the afternoon everyone would visit . So we would say ok , Thea , Viscones loukoumathes ? You want to make us some loukoumathes ? And my mom would just whip some loukoumathes and everInterviewee : Kyriazis , Eleni visit , there was no inviting people . It was all simple . We 're coming over ! Come on over . So we would make coffee and whatever . And that 's how we lived , really . EK : Exactly . The food is the main thing , actually . It 's always . It was either having people come over for lunch or dinner , mostly it was lunch , even when we went on picnics . We were like 40 Greek families and we did stuff together all the time . Everybody would make a few things and just take them with us . And then they would make the sis kabobs , you know the meat on the skewer . And we would put the watermelon in the running water and by the time we were ready to eat it it would be frozen cold . So we all got together . And it was such a nice pleasant friendship with everybody . We always invited people over , or got invited . So it was always like this . It wasn 't like you have to go to clubs all the time . It was visiting people in their houses . I remember my mom , as we were growing up ; they had a group of ladies . Each one would have people come over . I mean , ladies would come over to her house a certain day . Like , my mom 's was on Thursday , once a month on Thursday all the ladies would come to our house . And my mom would make several cakes and several little sandwiches . Or the taboula , with the cracked wheat , its an Arabic thing , you soak the cracked wheat and then you cut tomatoes and cucumber and onions and parsley and all that and mix it all together with lots of olive oil and lemon juice and you wash the lettuce , the romaine lettuce and put you it on top and eat it . It was so good , I know . The Arabic food is actually very similar to the Greek food . But they have their own thing , you know the different spices , so yeah that 's what we did we just all got together , the kids would get together and the adults would be there and we all had a good time . EK : Actually I do . I love kourabiethes , the ones with the powdered sugar . We clarify the butter here to make them . And that 's the secret . When you clarify the butter all the water and whatever the salt from the butter all goes away and you get that buttery flavor . So it 's my favorite I make baklava and I help with the other stuff but my favorite is that kourabiethes . EK : I don 't know , I don 't know . I think the Greeks from Greece they put a lot of powdered sugar on , but the Arabs apparently not , but my mom was doing both . And so that 's what it is . EK : Yeah actually , the dolmades . We don 't make , you know from the grape leaves . Overseas when my mom made them she would make them very skinny just like a finger . Very skinny and then we would eat them she would bake them with a little bit tomato sauce . We don 't do avgolemono like the Greeks do . The first time I tried it when I got married and I met my in - laws and they did it with avgolemono . We ate avgolemono soup , it was different , but not on top of the dolmades . So it was a different thing , yeah . And they would make the dolmades for with fasting , with no meat and the other way . EK : There was one dish which actually , I might go overseas after the festival . It was a chicken that she made with different spices . Of course its Arabic again . They use a spice which is um , like red its called sumac , it 's a little bit lemony actually if you go to Drubi and buy the spanikopita which is like a triangle and you bite into it you feel that something lemony inside and that 's what it is . And that chicken it cooks on a slow fire you know they do the onions and they put the sumac and they put even different spices they put the all spice in it and all that and then she would cook the chicken and then put everything together , you know put the pita bread and the onions and put the chicken on top and they would roast the koukounaria , what is the koukounaria , you know , the pine nuts , and put everything in the oven and the chicken would become , you know , a little bit crisp on top and all that and oh , that was the best meal . So I was telling my sister , I said , if we go to Aman the first meal I 'm eating is that . EK : We do , actually . My sister , unfortunately , lost her husband ten years ago . I 'm the second child . My brother was the oldest he passed away also . And we have like about 20 months difference so we 're very close . She lives in Dallas . She actually when she immigrated she went to Detroit , and she was working with Royal Georgian and company , she 's a travel agent and they sent her to Chicago so she worked for a couple of years there and then she got the opportunity to move to Dallas . And she wanted to because it was Texas and it was closer to us . So we see her all the time . And actually this August we went together to Alaska on a cruise and it was fun , fun , fun a whole week , it was beautiful . So we do a lot of stuff together . So actually , my husband knows her since , we 've been married 44 years , so I was 20 and she was 18 , so she turned 19 after HHA # 00715 Page 5 of 11 we got married . And , so he knows her . He 's like her brother , so we do a lot of stuff together . We go to , we visit her in Dallas all the time . She lives in Plano actually . So we do a lot of stuff . We go , like maybe every couple of months we visit her . She can 't come as often , because she owns her own business and it 's difficult to leave . So it 's easier for us to drive . We drive up there . We like it , yeah . Excuse me , I had a cold and its still , its lingering . EK : Community is mostly our friends . And we do , we have lots of Greek friends , actually . We don 't , we know a lot of American people . But we , we 're friends with our Greek friends . Actually , my daughter , both daughters got married to Americans . We see their mothers once in a while here and there , but we don 't have the closeness , that we have if my daughter married a Greek guy we would be doing stuff with their family . But with my daughters mother - in - law we don 't . We see them during the holidays maybe here and there and that 's it maybe once in a while a phone call . But that 's it . But so the Greek community is more knit its like tied together and you do things together and you feel you belong , which is nice , and it makes your kids actually , feel that they belong . You know it continues . And our grandkids are involved . My daughters , I have three granddaughters . And they all go to the AOS here . And now my granddaughters going to dance for the Greek festival the first time she 's seven so its like they come in here and you know , even when they were younger , " oh Yiayia , this is where we have the loukoumathes . " So it 's like you know , it 's nice when you are , together , you know . What 's the word I want to use , tight , and you just kind of feel you belong which makes your life simpler . EK : I don 't think it 's only Greek . I think it 's more European . Because the Italians are like this , I 'm surprised actually there are some American families that are close , but its maybe their origin is from Europe . I don 't know but I think the Europeans are more close . The Americans because our , you know here it 's hustle , hustle , hustle everybody has to work and everybody is busy they don 't have time , so they become selfish with their time and they want to do stuff , things on their own . But with us , since we grew up in a different atmosphere , you know , we think that getting together with your sister or your neighbor or whatever is more fun than just sitting watching TV all by yourself . So that 's the difference . EK : Oh yeah , oh yeah , definitely . You know as I said , its like you always have somebody come over , you always have somebody come eat with you or you go somewhere and You sit down and you think you 're going for an afternoon visit and its midnight and you 're still there talking and chit - chatting . And you know its fun , you sit out , especially overseas in Jordan where I grew up . It was the weather , we have four seasons , we had four seasons , because I live here now its like these days that we have now , the cool temperature and the humidity is low you can sit outside and the people are passing in front " oh , come one in come on in sit down " so everybody comes HHA # 00715 Page 6 of 11 and sits down and you have two chairs and there 's six chairs then there 's ten chairs and lets make some more coffee and oh you know need to buy some more falafel , they 're going and I go to the falafel place . its all so close around buy some more falafel , bring it , and it goes like this and its nice because you talk and you 're not talking about anything in particular but you 're talking there 's always a story going around . So it 's really nice and that 's how it is . But as I said , it 's more I think the European . A lot of Americans are , but you know now with facebook nobody talks to anybody . Unfortunately . So I don 't have facebook . I deleted it . My computer goes delete delete delete . ( laughs ) Yeah trust me , I said somebody wants to talk to me pick up the phone and call me , or talk to me face to face . EK : We have good food . You know , the Greek food is really good . So anything that you eat , you know , because it doesn 't have weird tastes . Our tastes are all something , like you know , something that everybody knows , all the spices are normal . The only thing that I think is a little bit different is the oregano . When we put it in stuff , because when the first time I tried it on our honeymoon in Athens I wanted to have a steak with French fries and all that , so I cut a piece of my meat and all of a sudden I thought , Nick says , " what 's going on ? " I said , " this tastes weird . " Nick says , " you know what , I think it 's the oregano . " Because we ate oregano with sesame and whatever , just like you dip it , you dip your bread in the oil you dip in the oregano and eat it . It never was in the food , but you get used to it . If you have lamb , it has oregano in it , it has everything . And it enhances the meat . But I tell you . I don 't know , Is this the first year you are here for the festival ? Well you 're in for a big surprise . I mean its going to be packed . People love it . Saturday night , especially with this weather , this time . Sometimes there is no room to pass , everybody is standing there eating the good food ( hello ) , eating the good food and drinking the good wine . And it brings everybody together everybody looks forward to it . It 's really you know Greek food , and it 's not only the food it 's the people who make it , and it just becomes more , I don 't know , when you eat it you 're happy . Exactly . EK : The Greek Festival , actually , as it says in our little brochure , actually 44 years ago they decided a few of the older people which are here now , to make a little extra money for the church . So they made some things and then they started , it was like ah , they didn 't call it festival then , it was like , [ ] , or something like that and then they started the next year , everybody came . You know they heard Greek food and Greek music a lot of people came . The first Friday , I think they were running out of food so they stayed up all night making more food to sell the next day . So the next year they decided wait an minute we 're going to make more stuff so it goes on and on and on and its been growing . I became actually , I started being involved with the festival , I would come and help in the evenings only , my husband was making the loukoumathes , but I was not involved I was still working at my in - laws bakery . They had a bakery on San Felipe that sold Greek food and pastries . And I was just managing there . When it closed in ' 87 , I came in to start helping , you know , with making stuff . So this lady says why don 't you become HHA # 00715 Page 7 of 11 chairman of the pastries . I said I don 't know what to do . She said , I 'll teach you . Famous last words , 22 years later I 'm still chairman of the pastries . ( laughs ) We got organized . I 'm very organized . I have papers that tell me that this is how many pastries we made and this is how many we sold today and this is how many we sold last year the same day . And I have everything documented . So we have everything . I like organization . I like things to be organized . See we have everything in order here , our boxes is like 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 . So when I go to here I know I have 25 cases . I don 't have to count , because they 're right there in front of me . ( pats one of the boxes ) Stuff like that . So I 'm involved . They got me on the board . I was chairman for about maybe 4 or 5 years . They saw how organized I was and all that and invited me on the board . And I 've been on the board also ever since . EK : Yes , for the Greek Festival . And we start meeting in February . Once a month , February , March April and we 're meeting once a month , and in September , now this month we meet once a week and this week we meet every night . EK : We talk everybody … First of all , there 's a million things that you have to take care of . You have permits , you have street closing permits , you have health department , you have the dance program , you have so many things , the metro … it 's not metro anymore , but the park and ride . Lamar High School , we have to arrange . So every person on the board has a duty . I 'm responsible for pastries . There 's somebody responsible for the pre - sale tickets , somebody orders the wine . So we have all that and every time when we meet we all discuss this is what we did , and actually when the meeting is over the chairman asks , ok , what questions you have , she goes all around , and you have any other issues ? This way we know what 's going on . You cannot make such a festival with just two meetings . There are a lot of decisions to be made . You have to order stuff ; you have to … a lot of stuff , many details . And at the end it all falls into place and it happens . EK : Well , the worst thing is if the weather is bad . And we did have one year , actually , the year before I was chairman in 2000 . All of a sudden we got this cold front and it was like 53 degrees , drizzly the whole time . We didn 't sell half of our stuff . So the only thing that we did , we had a group of ladies that we were dancing Greek dancing ' cause we had nothing else to do , it was very sad . That was the hardest thing so far . Actually , this year we have a new challenge . They HHA # 00715 Page 8 of 11 wanted us to use cash registers verses just the money box . And our cashiers are old , most of them are older , we tried to train them but they 're having a hard time . And we 'll see . I told everybody , I 'm going to riot . If my line goes to Westheimer , we 're getting the cash boxes out ! That 's it ! So we 'll see , I 'm hoping it will work out . EK : Well actually , my favorite memory is the year I was chairman . Because I think I started … Everybody does their work very well , but I like to be organized . So that year I started having somebody take minutes when we were meeting . Because before I used to kind of just jot down … they would say , so we ordered this much wine so I would just write it down and all that , so the year after that I would say oh do you remember how much wine it was ? And I would just flip the pages ok this is how much we ordered so it gave me the idea , ok . So there was somebody that was working with us and I told her , " Can you take minutes ? " So she started taking minutes and we started a new tradition . So for me … and I got so many compliments that year . Actually my husband and I were chairman but I was actually the head he was just with me . And we got so many compliments on how organized it was and how everything was . . . And that year it was right after , it was the year we had 9 / 11 and we were the only festival that happened . The Mediterranean festival the other church that did cancelled theirs , because they were Arabs , they decided not to go for it so we had people , I remember I went up to the balcony the chapel balcony , and you couldn 't see the floor , I mean there were so many people , that you couldn 't see anything it was packed and it was the highest paying festival until then . So it was very gratifying , really . So it 's my favorite memory of course because I was the chairman . ( laughs ) EK : Not really , it did change for the better . We always improve every year we do better every year we do better . Really , as I said you 're growing and you 're learning . And today you know more than yesterday , and on and on . So we always improve we keep on improving really . That 's why people love it . People will ask when are you going to have your festival because it 's really organized , we have so many volunteers , this lady that is talking , she cooks for us , we come and work and she cooks for us and she makes the best food and this is Noe , yes , so yeah , it really has improved all the time . And I tell you next year will probably be better than this year . The only thing is always a deterrent is if it rains . If it rains a lot , no matter what … Sometimes even with all the rain people are coming . But you know if it 's pouring , you know how it rains in Houston , if it rains it floods . This year thank god it 's a miracle we 're not going to have any rain and everyone is ecstatic . EK : Members of our church , and not only that sometimes they bring their neighbors . They say Oh this is my neighbor , I brought her . And they love to come and they come one time and then they say oh you know what can we come again ? And I say of course you can and I say yeah we 're going to teach you anything . So they learn how to make stuff . And they love the HHA # 00715 Page 9 of 11 community , they say oh you have such a good time . I say of course we do . You know sometimes it 's like , you say I 'm going to help one time . You go on Monday and you 're ready to leave and you say oh , I 'll come again . Your planning to come one day but you come two or three days . Because it 's so much fun you know it is work and you leave your household behind but you 're here and having a good time and all that and then you 're finished and then you go home . So yeah people come not only the Greeks that come they bring their neighbors . And we have a lot of men volunteer now . Yeah , a lot of them . There 's a young man actually . I can 't remember his name now he saw me yesterday again he has been coming to help . He remembers my name yesterday after church . We had a service , agiasmo . And he said Eleni , Eleni , so I turned around I 'm going to be able to come Friday , he said do you need me ? And I said yeah , I need you . So he can help come to the pastry booth and help us with you know sometimes you need somebody . To help pick up , those boxes are heavy , the koulouriakia maybe not as heavy as the baklava and the finikia because of the syrup , they 're heavy , so you need a man to help , we know move stuff for you and all that and our pastry booth is all the way in the back . EK : Well the festival actually , is , we 're not supposed to use it to augment the church expenses , but unfortunately is . It all you know depends on each other . The older people love the festival because they have somewhere to go . So it connects them to everybody . They know oh I 'm so glad you 're doing this , because they have somewhere to go everyday . They come and eat their lunch they go home and they 're happy . And they know they 're going to come the next day . So the church depends on the community and the community depends on the church . So it 's all mixed together . And I don 't know if you know that we give quite a bit of money to charities from our income . We give I think 20 - 25 percent ; actually on our brochure it mentions it . I 'll give you one and it says we decide there 's a committee that gets together and they mention how many organizations need help like Casa de Esperanza , etc . etc . And they try to decide ok we 're gong to give so many of them and we give a percentage of our income every year . So the festival doesn 't only profit , help our church it helps others also . EK : Let me see . You know , women and food , its like bread and butter . You can 't have women without having food , you can 't have food without having women involved in it . So it 's like , life goes around food . If you don 't have food , you know you get together , you go to a restaurant its to eat , you go to a house to eat , Christmas , holidays , whatever , so it 's all connected , so I don 't know what else to tell you about it . EK : Well they do actually , I have two daughters , and they help their dad . They work at the loukoumathes booth , because my husband is chairman of the loukoumathes . So they come , and actually our son - in law helps him and our other one used to but now he 's doing something else . So anyways they come and help with their dad . Actually before I started being chairman of the pastries I used to work with my husband with the loukoumathes , you know at night just help a little bit . And so when they got me to be chairman of the pastry booth , which I am trying to find someone to take over , a younger person . I was 42 when I started and I said I 'm getting old . But yeah our whole family gets involved . And now our granddaughters are getting involved . We have our seven year old starting to dance , and the other two are 5 so eventually they 're going to get into it and eventually they 're going to start helping . It continues . EK : Well my husbands family they , his dad , they had a bakery . So he knew about baking and all that so when he came one time to help they asked him to help with the loukoumathes . And he said yeah I know how to do that , So they were doing the loukoumathes with the hand you know with the spoon , spoon it one at a time , then someone got them the machine . Now they have it its all automatic , they just fill it up and the loukoumathes come on . And he just got involved into it . It 's like we say , every time every year he says this is my last year , my husband poor thing he 's 76 right now . And he 's still doing it . But now the younger people are getting involved , so he 's kind of preparing he just came yesterday and prepared everything and everything is set up , but the guys are going to be working , you know we have some people that do the dough the back . I know , it 's like my mom used to make us loukoumathes all the time , my dad never got in the kitchen . The only thing he ever did was make a cup of coffee , you know the Greek coffee . That was it . But now men are more involved . It 's like my son in law , both of them , they cook . My daughter works late sometimes . She works Tuesday and Thursdays late . So he cooks and feeds the kids . So it 's now men are so much more involved with cooking which is nice it 's very nice . My sister in law doesn 't like it . She 's old , she 's 84 . She says , I think Dede should cook all the time . I said Eleni , if Dede works until 7 : 30 you think the kids are going to be waiting for their mother to come home and make a meal and eat at 9 ? By 8 o ' clock they 're ready to go to sleep , so you have to share .
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Yesterday was supposed to be a little hectic for me . It turned out not to be . Monday night we had some freezing rain which resulted in some cancellations yesterday . Several , actually . Anyway , so I got up early and did 45 min of Turbofire and headed to work where I found that I had cancellations . I did a few things and then went home to do some studying for something I have coming up , which took quite a while . I then headed back to work for my afternoon and evening . I knew I had to do something more ( in terms of a workout ) so I thought I 'd just walk on the treadmill , or maybe do a walk / jog combo . . . Something easy , and light . Well when I got home I realized there was a basketball game on that I wanted to watch . I don 't have a cable box down stairs so I decided to try to find something on YouTube that I could do while watching the game that wasn 't super distracting for others . I found a video by Leslie , that Walk Away the Pounds lady . I thought , " yeah , okay we 'll see what this does . . . " My expectations were low . I found one that she made for the American Heart Association that said it was three mile walk . My next thought was , " this is a 45 minute video . I doubt it is actually three miles . How do they calculate this ? Steps ? Everyone has different steps . . . " I decided to do it anyway and maybe find something else to do after . It started with a warm - up , which really made me think it was not actually three miles . Then I learned that they use the beat of the music as pace and that the three miles is based off of that pace / the beat of the music . I still wasn 't quite sure but thought , " okay let 's see what this is all about . I 'll give it chance . " I was pleasantly surprised . The pace was pretty brisk at times and there were some extra movements ( side steps , kicks , and arms were added in ) that helped add to the calorie burn . I took it up a notch and instead of just walking I added some bounce to my step so I was jogging in place . I also decided to add some bounce to the side steps and kicks and such to make it more like what I do during turbofire . If anyone has done TF , there 's a part where you do a double bob / knee and jab . That 's what I did during the double side steps - added the bounce like in TF and used similar arm motions . I did that for a few of the moves - just varied them to make them more intense in a way similar to what I 'd done in other programs . In the end , it wasn 't not a bad workout ! I actually burned about the same calories doing that as I did during the same time of TF in the morning . I attribute the burn to the increased intensity with the jogging and bouncing around . I do not expect that my results would 've been the same had I followed the program exactly as it was . I was unsure that the pace was actually the equivalent of three miles so I did another 15 min / 1 mile video at the end for good measure and counted it as three miles versus four . I guess for me to totally believe that I 'm going a certain distance , I need to be able to prove it . . . I need to see the mileage on the treadmill or my Fitbit , or Strava telling me that I actually covered the distance that I did . I 'd say this is a good beginner level workout or a workout for someone who loves walking . Without making it more intense , it would be a nice , light cardio workout . Again , I don 't believe I would count on it for the miles , especially if you cannot keep up with the brisk pace , but it 's something I 'd do again just to get some extra work in or if I wanted to catch something on TV ( like the basketball game that handed Michigan State their first loss of the season - should 've gone to the treadmill lol ) . I definitely worked up more of a sweat than I thought I would and burned more calToday was supposed to be busy again but I had a no - show and my next client was a cancellation . I thought about going back home but I decided to stick around and blog . I had already planned on doing some in - office pilates during the cancellation time so I 'll do that . I should have time for something a little more intense when I go home at lunch , and I 'll probably hit the treadmill for a walk / jog tonight . I 'm working hard to meet my goal of 75 points ( I believe I mentioned that in my last post ) in my fitness group , which I didn 't think I 'd reach earlier this week . Five points a day Monday through Thursday and I 'll reach it . My pilates will only be one point because it 's not very intense ( although it can make the muscles burn ! ) . Turbofire or Combat ( haven 't decided what I 'm doing yet ) should be worth a couple points , then I 'll only have to do a 2 mile walk or jog or combo to hit 5 for today . It 'll be broken up but should be do - able . Tomorrow is questionable . I decided to work until noon to accommodate a couple people and fit in someone who cancelled , but I 'm only working until noon . The boyfriend and I talked about maybe going out of town , which will make my 5 points hard but if we stay home , it 'll be easy to do . So with plans up in the air , we shall see ! ! At some point blogging became something I had to do . . . People were reading . They were expecting things . If I posted only twice a month I felt guilty . I 've been gone for over two months . When I looked at the last post date I thought , " wow , that 's been a while . " Then I realized that blogging was starting to become too monotonous for me . It was starting to feel like something I had to make sure I did rather than something I did because I loved it . I 'm not sure when it happened but at some point , blogging just didn 't become a priority . Maybe because sometimes I felt as though I was writing the same old thing over and over again . How much can one say about working out ? I stopped being as in - depth and raw as I used to be because I was pretty sure that , at least for a while , people with ill - intentions were reading . Would they use what I said to talk about me ? They 'd already been talking about me and saying things that weren 't accurate . Would they take what I wrote here and change it around for their own amusement ? My love for blogging left when I started being more guarded than I used to be . I 'm pretty sure I posted before that I wasn 't going to let those people bother me , but somewhere I let it . If I didn 't , I 'd have kept posting all the ugly stuff too . I guess I finally realized that no matter what you do , someone is going to find a reason not to like you . There will always be someone who says something bad about you and tries to make you look like a fool . In reality , the people that those people are talking to . . . Well , they probably don 't matter much to me . Their opinions are irrelevant to my life . It happened again recently . . . I stood by someone 's side and suddenly I was made out to be a bad person again . This wasn 't even something I 'd said or done ( other than give support to someone who was screwed over ) . Things I 'd said to someone else were twisted ( isn 't that always how it goes ? ) . Mostly though I learned that I don 't have to deal with people like that . I mean , this is my life ; not theirs . I 'd hope that by now they 'd have become bored with me to not be reading , but even if they are . . . I don 't care anymore . I 'm not , by any means , one of those super religious people . But I am exploring my relationship with God again . I likely won 't post about it here because it 's not related to this blog . I 'm not trying to be preachy . I 'm just trying to make sure I 'm living in a way that makes me feel good . And getting back into reading my Bible and working on that relationship is something that , for me , works . With that , I 'm going to just be raw , genuine me and so what . . . I mean , clearly if I 'm saying something here , it can be seen . My actual words can be read . First . . . I 've gained some weight over . . . Well the last two years . I guess that 's not really anything new . I 've posted on that before . I gained a little , stablized , and gained some more with some medication changes . So yeah , I 'm kinda fat again . I 'm working on that . The biggest challenge is the eating . My boyfriend 's diet is horrible and it 's SO easy for me to follow in his footsteps . He 's gotten a bit fat too . Happy weight , he says . Whatever it is for him , I know , and have known , that I cannot eat the junk he eats and expect to be okay . Yet I get sucked in . Usually I try to get dinner or something going before he has a chance to mention whatever crap food he wants to eat . Generally that works . As long as I am quick enough . I have improved since summer and now that it 's colder , refreshing adult beverages are not nearly as enticing . I wasn 't a big drinker before , but sometimes when it 's hot , a Goose Island 312 or a Summer Shandy hits the spot . Those are full of calories , as is wine . I may only have one or two but that 's still more extra calories . It all adds up . Quickly . Last week was a little different with Christmas . It was a short work week and I wanted to see as many of my clients as possible . I worked some longer , packed days , which decreased my workout time . I 'm still not a " get up at five in the morning and bust ass " kind of girl . I like my workouts but I also like , and need , my sleep . I 'm also slow in the morning . I 'd have get up at four just to be ready for a workout at five . Do you know how early I 'd have to go to bed to accomplish that ? Like eight in the evening ! I 'm not even home until then , or later , some nights . So then there was Christmas prep - Wednesday night I baked from seven until nearly one in the morning . I got up Thursday morning and finished . Then I went with my boyfriend to do his last minute shopping , which turned into me also doing some last minute shopping . Then I came home to wrap and organize all the gifts . Then we went to visit my Grandpa , who is currently in a nursing facility for some therapy . Then we stopped home , picked up gifts , and went and had our Christmas with my parents and grandma . On the way home we drove around and looked at Christmas lights . Needless to say we weren 't home until nearly eleven that night . So Friday we slept in . I had a couple small things to finish and then had to get ready to go to my boyfriend 's Grandma 's for his Dad 's family 's Christmas . We were there for a few hours and went out to his Mom 's for her Christmas and for the night . We had some errands to do Saturday and by the time we got home it was Saturday afternoon . And honestly ? I was beat . We unpacked our stuff and then spent the day lounging . Yesterday I finally got back into working out after having way too many days off . Oddly though , I was so busy I still managed to get my 10 , 000 steps most of those busy days ( and not that far under on the others ) . I 'm part of a fitness challenge group and had a goal of 75 fitness points this month . This was based on two long runs ( one of which would 've been last weekend ) . I still haven 't found time to get that 9 . 5 mile run in and likely will not have the time before the end of the month . I 'm slow . 9 . 5 miles takes me a long time . I 'm also dealing with some sort of injury . I thought maybe plantar fasciitis in both feet . I ; ve had calf pain . . . About half way down and mostly on the outsides of both calves . Possibly compartment syndrome . Seems like more than just shin splints , that 's for sure . It will come and be horrible for part of a run and then sometimes , on a longer run , it resolves on it 's own . Sooo . . . If I do like 30 or more minutes it gets better . What kind of weirdness is that ? ! It seems like more than just shin splints . . . They were agitated when I did a jog / walk last night after having several days off . You 'd think rest days would make shin splints improve . . Plus my left achilles is causing some issues . Major issues . I tried to wear heels to a Christmas party a couple weeks ago and as soon as the heel was on and I took a step , I nearly fell over and cried . Could be tendonitis . Hopefully not something worse . Yes , I 'm going to the doctor soon to get that checked out . I am trying to take it easy on the running , keeping it light , slow , and low miles until I find out what it is . The pain starts part way up my calf and extends down into my heel . Sometimes the outside of my foot hurts . If I press on it , it makes things worse . SO , yes , off to the doctor I go . I 'm kind of afraid of what is going on with my legs , particularly that achilles . I have a half marathon in just under two months . What if I . . . Can 't run ? That 's my fear . I will not be able to do 13 . 1 miles if I have to rest for several weeks . So , I 'll have to defer . That makes me sad . I was looking forward to a sunny vacation , a visit with a good friend , and completing my second half marathon . I can defer so no money would be lost , but it 's disappointing . The logical part of me says that it 's for the best though . I 'd rather rest and defer than totally screw it up and never be able to do another . . . Especially since I 'm registered for one in April and another in September . As I mentioned , I 've been keeping the runs light and short . I did 8 miles a few weeks ago , and after w while , the pain subsided and I finished . It was brutal ( and on a treadmill which is it 's own special kind of Hell ) , but I did it . At first I was like " omg . . . I have to do five more miles for a half . Why am I torturing myself ? " Then I thought , " only five more miles and I will have done a half ! ! " The mind of a runner , I tell ya . . . I 've also recently done Chalean Extreme , for strength training . I love the Push Circuit the best . It 's the heaviest weight you can handle and only six to eight reps of each exercise . It makes me feel kind of like a bad ass to lift heavy amounts . I definitely cannot do those same weights for sets with more reps . I 'm looking at doing another strength training program . Maybe I 'll start that next week , so I can look more at which one and get a plan written out before I start . I 've been doing Turbofire , Combat , and the elliptical on days I don 't run . Sometimes I just walk . I 'm not following TF or Combat as scheduled right now ; just using whichever workout I have time for as a supplement to other things ; as cross training . I like the variety too . Following one program for an extended period of time gets boring sometimes . I 'm pushing hard the next few days so that I can reach that fitness points goal for the month . Last night I did 30 min of Turbofire , 35 min of weight training ( one of the CLX workouts ) , about 35 min on the treadmill , and about 25 - 30 min of yoga just to stretch out and relax for the night . Yes , that 's about two hours . All of that earned me about 4 points . Oh yeah , and as of yesterday I had about 20 points to get by Thursday . If I can achieve five point days today , tomorrow , Wednesday , and Thursday , I 'll make it . With my morning workout I have 2 points for today . I should be able to get a few miles walking ( not a scheduled running day , but I 'll probably do walk / jog intervals ) or another hour of DVD work done this evening to hit five . I 'm going to work my hardest to make it . And if some miracle or something weird happens and I get the 9 . 5 miles done ( okay I know that 's risky with the achilles ) , I know I 'll at least hit that goal . Too many days off for Christmas was NOT good for the points ! ! I suppose that 's the update for now . I had a little free time at work so I thought I 'd blog rather than go out for a break or something . I 'll be sure to update sooner than later . My workout plan has been kind of relaxed lately since half marathon training starts TOMORROW . I 'm so excited ! ! ! And so not excited ! ! It 's already cold . . . And I hate running outside in the cold . Now that my actual plan is starting , I 'm hoping that will be motivating . It 's either that or the torturemill , and honestly , some days it 's a toss up . Until it 's super nasty , I 'm going to remind myself that I 'll have to deal with the torturemill soon enough so I should enjoy the days outside ! Anyway , so I 've continued a mix of CLX and whatever other workout sounds good . I 've continued to do some Turbofire , walking , and threw some Combat into the mix . I didn 't do much running the last couple weeks . . . I wasn 't feeling well and then I 'm not quite sure what happened last week . It was pretty cold . . . Maybe that was it . That and the week flew by ! ! I also had a free trial for spin , which I LOVED . I will definitely be purchasing a punch card for spin and yoga classes . I 'm currently debating which plan I want to purchase , and making sure that I have room in my schedule to get a value out of the payment . Always planning and figuring . . . That 's me . Pretty funny for someone who has disliked math for . . . . forever . I 'm thinking I 'll do the unlimited plan which is only $ 80 / month . I can take as many spin classes and as many yoga classes as I want in a month for that price . I should be able to do spin 2 - 3 evenings a week and yoga at least twice a week . For this month anyway . I really like that it 's month by month rather than some contract thing like some gyms have . I 'm not locked in and don 't have to worry about cancellation . I simply buy what I want each month ( via an app ) , schedule the class , and it takes records the class as used . If a punch card ( five or ten visits ) is used , it will deduct one class from the card . Obviously , this isn 't the same with the unlimited . Pretty cool way to do it and keep track ! I believe there is a website too so if someone doesn 't have a smartphone , they can manage their classes through the app . So , anyway , spin was great ! ! ! The instructor was really nice , friendly , and motivating . The workout itself was good - I definitely worked up a sweat ( which isn 't uncommon for me , as I am a " sweater " ) . I liked how it was up and down a lot - some some standing and pedaling and some sitting . The seats are not the most comfortable ( what bike seats are , besides the granny style seats ? ) and even the instructor said she likes the up and down classes because the seats can hurt after a while . It is about a 40 min workout , start to finish , so it is fairly easy to work into my schedule - and there are multiple times offered . Yoga also has various times so I should be able to get to a couple of those classes in a week , which will be much needed with all that spinning and running I 'll be doing for my training . I hope that pigeon pose is included for a decent length of time . That 's my favorite . And my body generally needs it ! I 'm excited to take a live yoga class . Mine have all been DVDs so I 'm sure it 'll be an entirely different experience . I have been doing MUCH better at clean eating . Yay ! I did indulge a little in some drinks this weekend but nothing outrages ( because I couldn 't handle that ) but eating has been good . I did have a couple nibbles of some not so great for me stuff but not at all like it had been . My boyfriend was pretty compliant with my wishes , so that 's been nice . It 's always good to have support and someone else who 's on board ( and his diet needs way more cleaning up than mine does , sooooo it 's good for him ! ) . This coming weekend will be a challenge . . . We are headed on an adventure for his birthday so we will have to eat out . I know that at least one day will be a lot of walking , and unfortunately the drive there and home will be a lot of sitting . I 'm going to take some workout gear and hope to get up early the morning we are there to at least get something done - it 'll be a training day so even if it 's only two miles , that will be something . I 'm hoping to get up super early the day we leave , but who knows how that will go . . . . I tend to have trouble sleeping when I 'm excited . We should be home early enough for me to get my Sunday workout done so I 'm not worried about that . One rest day won 't be a bother , but I do aim for 10 , 000 steps a day and with all that sitting in the car , I 'm not sure if that will happen ! ! But these weekends don 't happen often so it 'll be okay . AND it 'll be fun , so hopefully I won 't obsess . So - I 've completed my 30 day run streak challenge . . . Actually I surpassed it because I wanted to do the full month of September . I ran for 35 days before I took a rest from running . I 've still been running , but not every day . In fact last week I wasn 't feeling well so I did quite a bit of walking before I ran again . The first day being sick , even walking was rough . It 's always clear to me when I have a bit of a fever because I exhaust so quickly , sweat like crazy with light activity , and everything takes ten times the effort is usually does . So my walk felt a bit like a run that first day . I kept up with my CLX workouts too . Toward the end of the week I started feeling better so I added some running back into the routine and did some run / walks with the dogs . Now I 'm back to normal . On Sunday I randomly decided I wanted to do Turbofire . I 'm not following the plan but wanted a little variety and some extra cardio . So Sunday I did Fire 30 , a short jog with the dogs , and my CLX workout . Monday was Fire 55 and a walk ( walked to / from work that day ) . Yesterday was CLX and Fire 30 again . I really love Fire 30 - it 's quick but so intense . I also like that the 30 minutes fits easily into my day with other things ! ! Today was a longer CLX workout so I 'm not sure what else will fit into the plan . I 'd like to do at least a 30 minute jog but I work a little later so by the time I 'm home and have dinner . . . Dark . UGH . . . I hate shorter days ! ! ! I like when it 's dark until 10 : 00 so running at 7 : 00 , or even 8 : 00 isn 't a big deal . I believe it 's next week , or maybe the following that my schedule will have more runs built into it ( half training begins ) so those will become priority and other workouts , like Turbofire will be supplemental . I haven 't done Turbofire in quite a while and my body can feel it ! Even though I 've consistently worked out ( PiYo , Combat , runs , CLX , biking , elliptical , walking , etc . . . ) I can still feel the difference in my body from doing Turbofire . It is much more intense than I remembered and I love it . I love the muscle soreness that comes with changing up any program , so I 'm pretty happy with how my body is feeling this week ! ! That also reminds me of how important it is to have variety in workouts ! ! The body adjusts and the benefits ( for weight loss , to work the muscles in a different way , etc . ) lessen over time . So , change is good . Very good . I plan to continue the variety even when my running is more regimented with half training . We ( finally ! ) have spin in our little town so I 'm hoping to go to spin class at least once a week for additional variety . Eating has still been a little all over the place . It 's particularly frustrating when my boyfriend wants to order out or buy unhealthy foods at the store . I 'm weak when it 's around . And really like if he orders out some junk I 'm gonna say " no ? " I didn 't this weekend but I did put my foot down and tell him , " no more of this . " Of course we have a trip coming up and then there will be eating out . UGH . I honestly have a love - hate relationship with food . I love how some of it tastes but I hate how some of it tastes . I hate that I HAVE to eat to live . I hate feeling hungry . Food , you 're an a - hole . Speaking of a - holes , I still haven 't eaten at McD 's , haters . Anyway , so I told the boyfriend , that 's it . . . We are eating clean . No more take out , no more delivery . I cannot do it so it 's not gonna happen . Unless he wants to end up with a super fat girlfriend . So I suppose that 's the update for now . Love exercise . Hate food . Such is life . . . For me anyway . OH ! ! ! I signed up for ANOTHER half . . . This one is the Gazelle Girl , in April . Because 13 . 1 miles is fun . Winter training , not so much , but these two half marathons will keep me focused and working hard . . . . My body is going to need proper nutrition to perform at the best possible level . Sorry , boyfriend , prepare for mantras and such to be plastered all over the house and for a no junk ban to be in effect . Ha . . . Poor guy will be hiding it in his car and forced to munch outside ! ! Okay , maybe I won 't be that bad , but . . . . Pretty close . I suppose I 'm preparing to go into hiding again . . . But I have to . I can 't be out having dinner and drinks right now . . . Just can 't . My body doesn 't like it , which then makes my mind not like it . And I just want all things me to be happy . I 'm Going Streaking ! ! ! Last week after hearing that someone apparently ( hearsay so ya know . . . grain of salt ) said that I don 't run ; that I only run through the McDonald 's drive through , I decided that I would become super annoying and post a selfie to Facebook every time on run . I 'm sure that if things get back to me , they 'll make their way back to this person . And if not , I don 't care . It 's good motivation . I guess I was just in that mode of " don 't say a runner doesn 't run ! " Funny side note - I 've ran past this person on the street before ; just this Summer in fact . I generally reserve my post - workout pics for IG since I use that primarily for accountability , motivation , and the sense of community with all the other awesome # fitfam people out there ! At that time I was quite annoyed that someone said that ( and more but that 's not fitness related so . . . . ) . So I did what always feels good , told my boyfriend I was headed out , grabbed the dogs and my MACE and hit the pavement for a few miles . Sometimes I really love running at night because it 's peaceful and although I 'm pushing myself , it 's oddly relaxing . Running at night is also sometimes creepy , hence the MACE . It during that run that I decided I 'm doing to do a run streak . 30 days is my goal . I start a round of half marathon training soon and in researching streaks , I learned that it isn 't good to streak when you 're in training for something . I think I 'll over - lap my training by a few days but since it 's in the first week , I think I will be okay . I 'm on day eight of my streak and ya know what ? I 'm kind of liking it . It gives me motivation to make sure I do at least a mile . A mile isn 't much . A mile doesn 't take long . A mile can fit in with my other workouts in the morning or at night . A mile is a good distance - it can be easy and relaxed or it can be a good time to push hard to increase speed , work on intervals , or just do a normal run . I can do a minimum of a mile a day . I 've finished with Combat and Piyo and started Chalean Extreme ( CLX ) last Sunday . It 's a pretty busy schedule but the longest workout in the whole program is like 45 minutes so it 's easy to do that and run . There are days off , which will be longer run days for me . My schedule looks like this : This repeats throughout the program but the workouts change about every four weeks and I 'll do different phases . Now is Burn , which is followed by Push , and then Lean . The last phase is a combination of the three . When I start half marathon training my running schedule will change . I may need to alter my schedule for the plan but we 'll see when the time comes . My training plan has me doing short runs ( 30 minutes ) on Tuesdays and Thursdays with a long run on Saturdays . I can still do the short runs with my CLX workouts because they aren 't that long . However , that would leave Monday completely work - out free . Rest days are good so maybe I 'll keep Mondays for rest or active rest days and do things like the elliptical , walking , or biking . As active rest days , they 'll all be fairly easy activities . So . . . . That 's my plan for the next few months . CLX is about 16 weeks total . I know some people do Burn , Push , and Lean and then call it quits . The Lean for Life phase ( which mixes the three ) is an additional four weeks . So that will take me into December . Depending on my progress and how I 'm feeling I 'll start another program then . I 'm thinking maybe Combat since it 's 60 days and that will take me almost to my half marathon . But TurboFire sounds like fun again - and it 's been a while since I 've done a round of that ! Or I 'll stick with my training plan and then on off days stick with the elliptical , the bike , and walks . I have some time to decide before December comes . I don 't know what I 'll feel like doing in December , so I 'll re - evaluate and make my decision then . As of now , I 'm really liking this run streak . This weekend I 'll be 1 / 3 of the way done - 10 straight days of running in some form ! I definitely like it so far . There are times I feel tired and my legs are like " are you serious ? " but by keeping most days short ( 1 - 2 miles ) , my legs quickly warm - up and feel better . I don 't think I 'd have decided to do this Run Streak had someone not been talkin ' about me . So , thanks ! ! Thanks to you I 'm doing my first streak and feeling great about it ! I 'll be sure to wave if I should run past you while you 're standing on the sidewalk again . Bless your heart ! I was doing well at blogging back in June . Here I am , once again , in Inconsistency City . Man , things get busy and this just isn 't a priority . Workout , work , eat , sleep , fun , and . . . No blogging . So what have I been up to the last couple months ? Well , I guess I said most of it a couple sentences ago . My family was here from Kentucky in July , so that kept us busy . Fourth of July was a pretty busy day . We have spent time with friends and family . . . Just keeping busy in general , I suppose . No big trips this year . In the Spring I was hoping to get to Wrigley for a game but I never got around to getting that planned ! ! This is year two ( in a row ! ) of no games . Insert sad face . Maybe that means TWO next year . . . And I am planning a surprise Birthday trip / weekend for my boyfriend this fall , so that will be fun . I know he doesn 't read this , but in the event that he does , someone in his family does , or some fun / surprise - ruiner reads this and tells him ( intentionally or acccidentally ) , I 'm keeping it quiet . So , my Combat / Piyo combination ends a week from tomorrow ! What ? ! It seems so fast . I don 't know if I 've lost much , if any weight , but I know that I feel better , am stronger , and look better in some areas ( upper body - shoulders and upper back especially - noticed my mid - section is smaller yesterday ) . I should 've taken measurements , but of course I " never got around to it . " I really need to stop procrastinating and just DO things right away . It 's not like I procrastinate with work . I 'm the most organized , get it done now person when it comes to work . But with other things . . . Not as much . Anyway , I would like to have seen a change in numbers throughout the program . BUT I feel them . A week from Sunday ( 8 / 30 ) I 'm starting another round of ChaLean Extreme . I 'm nervous about this because a few weeks later I 'm starting another round of half marathon training . Working legs while training for a half seems to be advised against in most training plans . I think that instead of using heavy weights ( the program is designed for this ) , I 'll use lighter weights on leg exercises . The point of CLX is to push the body to the limit and really do some major weight training . BUT I need to run and don 't want to stress out the legs . I guess , at first , it 'll be trial and error to see how much I can handle . I just know that I probably won 't be squatting or dead - lifting 100 + pounds . Or maybe I will . Who knows what will work / feel good . And the program is low reps sooooo perhaps . FYI , on the 100 pounds - I can do that for like three dead - lifts . So probably not looking at that weight for six to eight reps ( doesn 't sound like much , but they are sloooow reps ! ) . I have nothing scheduled from Wednesday to Sunday next week which makes me nervous . I find I workout if it 's written down and especially when I 'm following a program . I did miss one day of Piyo Drench ( swapped for a walk ) so maybe I 'll make that up next week , which will stretch me out one more day . Then I 'll just have a couple to cover . I 'm not sure what my schedule will look like once CLX starts . I should really get a few weeks of some good runs under my belt before my actual half training starts , so I 'll probably plan a few runs and some elliptical days . I 've done a few 5Ks this summer ( two I blogged about in June , then did a local 5K at the end of July , and the Color Run on August first ) . I plan on a local Color Run next month , and who knows what else I will find between now and then . I 'm definitely going to look for some fall races ( hopefully some local , as those are much cheaper than traveling ! ) to further work on my half training . February will , sadly , be here before I know it ! ! Ohmygosh have things been busy ! ! ! Last week was going great . Totally awesome . I worked out every day , ate awesome clean meals . Life was plugging along exactly how it should . We went out of town Saturday night , which wasn 't too terrible . I worked out Saturday morning - I believe I went for a walk / jog with the dogs . Yes , that was that day . Then we headed out of town in the afternoon . We hung out with a friend , had dinner and drinks , and watched a WWE Live event ( yes , my boyfriend is a " wrestling dork " - has been since he was a kid ) . Eating was . . . Okay on Saturday . Unfortunately I just didn 't take the time to eat much during the day . I did have some meat and cheese and that filled me up until dinner . . . Where I consumed Buffalo Wild Wings chicken wings ( " naked " style to save a little bit ) and a couple big Oberons . On to the arena , where I had more beverages . So yeah , that day ? Not so great . We headed out and about for a bit Sunday - to lunch ( out , again , ugh ) and to Lululemon so I could buy a new yoga mat . And another awesome bra because . . . well , Lulu . We had lunch at Friday 's and I had a burger and fries . Not the best option but I was pretty hungry and rarely eat there . So , that 's two " bad " meals . In a row . I didn 't think I 'd eat later because I wasn 't all that hungry . My boyfriend went to spend some time with his Dad after we got home and I hung out with my Dad and Grandpa for a bit . There just wasn 't enough time for both of us to see everyone , so we went our separate ways for a bit . He asked me to bring home pizza for dinner , which I did . I wasn 't home very long . . . Maybe half an hour and saw that my Mom and Dad had both tried calling and texting . My Grandma fell and was heading to the ER . So , off I went . I spent from a little after eight until nearly midnight sitting in the ER with my Mom and Grandma . My boyfriend stayed home and apparently did not do much but eat pizza and nap . Glad I didn 't really miss spending much time with him since he would 've been sleeping . I came home and got ready for bed and couldn 't sleep . My Grandma was off to surgery to have a rod placed in her broken leg . I finally fell asleep sometime after one and my Mom called around two to tell me that surgery went well . I fell back asleep for a couple hours before I had to get up for the day . Monday I was exhausted . I worked , sat at the hospital with my Grandma , and worked . Eating was terrible . I don 't even know what I ate but basically I didn 't eat much all day and binged that evening because I was so hungry . Tuesday ? Almost a repeat of Monday . Work , hospital , work , hospital , work . Eat ? Not much . . . Dinner was at about 8 : 30 when I was done working . Wednesday was very much the same although I did manage to eat a little more throughout the day and avoid the junk that I decided was a good idea on Monday and Tuesday . Tuesday 's dinner wasn 't bad since my Aunt arrived from Kentucky to help out at the house and with my Grandpa . But , I aSo , in combination with eating out so much last weekend , I feel like a big ol ' fatty today . I would not be surprised if I 've gained a few pounds . I know I haven 't gained 20 ( as in the title ) but I feel like I have . Of course , I haven 't had so much water today so maybe that 's part of it . At any rate , I don 't feel good . I 'm tried . I 'm worn out . I haven 't gotten much done around the house . My routine is disrupted . I know it 's just temporary ( and probably mostly in my head because I am off - track ) but it still bugs me . However , helping my family is , at the moment , my priority . I let myself fall to the stress eating the first couple days but the last two have been better . However , I 'm still tired . I really need to try to sleep a little better and relax a little bit . I 've been on the go non - stop . I think a little yoga or piyo , even just 30 minutes , or a short walk is in order tonight . Just something to de - stress a little and feel a little better . This post is a bit overdue ! ! I did this race on 6 / 13 / 15 . . . . So yeah , just over 20 days late . I guess it 's just been a crazy couple weeks and I 've not taken the time to blog . My inspiration after reading that book put me into high gear as far as making sure I was making healthy meals and working out . I guess that took priority over writing . Anyway . . . . So I got up early that Saturday morning and got ready for the race . My Mom and I shopped for new outfits the day before ( because . . . why not ? ) . I did my usual routine ; washed my face , deodorant , that kind of thing . I drank my pre - workout drink and mixed one up for my Mom to have when she got there . She was not as excited about the taste so I think I actually drank that one after the race too . No wonder I felt so good ! ! We arrived a little early but considering the race is right down the street from my house we weren 't too concerned . We watched the half - marathon group start then we were next , followed by the 10K people . I 've done this race a few other times so I was totally familiar with the course . Plus ? I live here . My Mom , who is not and has never been a runner , started jogging with me . We jogged for a bit then walked . And when I say walked , I mean power walked . She has some short little legs but man can she make them move ! ! I suppose being an Emergency Room nurse and being on her feet all day , nearly running around the ER , contributes to that . She walks a few times a week too . Anyway , so we HAD to start jogging . . . Because , well , that 's what I do . So she jogged with me for a bit then I walked with her . Then we jogged again . This time I figured out that if I did a slow jog , it was the same pace as her almost freakishly fast power - walk . We were on pace for about a 15 minute mile , which is pretty good with her walking . I did walk with her on a trail part of the course because it was uneven and there were rocks and such . When I did that , my calves felt tight again . UGH . So I walked a little slower than her on that part ( maybe a couple steps behind her ) and then when we reached pavement I went back to my jog . It actually felt better to keep jogging than to try to walk after jogging . So , that 's what I did . . . A nice , even , jog pace . My calves weren 't nearly as bad as they had been ( but were well - rested that week ) and loosened up pretty well . My Mom jogged a couple more short legs with me , but mostly stuck to her walk . We did run across the finish line together . This was the first race I had zero concern about time , speed , performance . It was mostly just for fun and to do something different with my Mom . This time it was more about just getting in some exercise and spending time with her than anything else . I don 't even remember our time - it was over 45 minutes , so our final pace averaged out to somewhere between 15 and 16 minutes . There are a couple big hills on the course that I 'm sure slowed us down . But , ya know what ? I 'm okay with that . This wasn 't my fastest 5K ( not by far ! ) , it wasn 't near my average / usual time for a 5K , but it also wasn 't my slowest . And ? The best part is that it was a fun time ! ! Sunday , I decided was a good day for a rest day from working out . It was also rainy and who wants to go outside on a cold , windy , rainy day ? Not me . In between loads of laundry , catching up with the dishes , and cleaning , I opened a book that I 'd bought on Wednesday . And I read that thing front to back in the course of the day . To be fair , the print wasn 't tiny ( or large , FYI ) and it wasn 't THAT long - somewhere around 250 pages , I think . So , not a huge book . It 's no secret though , when I get into a good book , if I have the time , I 'll plow through it quickly . So reading a book in a day isn 't really that big of a deal for me . BUT it goes to show just how good of a book it is ! I was browsing books at Target on Wednesday and came across one that had a little girl on the front . She had a little belly poking out of her bikini set on a beach . It was most definitely a real photograph . It was also in the best seller section , so I decided to pick it up . Ah - ha ! A memoir . And a weight loss memoir at that . I read the description and decided to buy it . I 'm so glad I did . " It Was Me All Along " by Andie Mitchell is one of the best memoirs I 've read . Some memoirs aren 't that great . They don 't draw me in . Jen Lancaster has been the only author to successfully draw me in when it comes to memoirs . I love Jen 's style and like to think that it 's similar to my own . I guess that 's because I just get it . I get the way she says things . Her descriptions are so amazing , that I can clearly see the scene ( as I 'd imagine it ) . Jen has a way of drawing me in that 's like nothing else . She 's the standard against which I hold all memoirs . Are you reading this , Jen ? You 've set a major standard for anyone who dare write a memoir ( in my opinion ) . My point with that little oh - my - gosh - Jen - Lancaster - is - the - best - ever - and - I - might - have - a - girl - crush - on - her note is that I like a certain style . Andie 's style is not the same as Jen 's but they share one amazing quality . They have amazing descriptions and can tell a story . Andie , Jen - you should totally hang out . With me . Please ? Anyway , Andie writes her story from the heart . It 's what I do when I write so many of my posts ; the ones with meaning and emotion behind them . I could see her life when I read her words . I could feel her feelings . I think that some of that is because Andie 's story is a lot like mine in terms of how the words of others could sting right to the core . Boom ! Shot through the heart ( sorry , I really , love Bon Jovi ) ! ! I 've cried similar tears . I 've felt similar things . While Andie 's childhood varies from mine in her life , where she lives , and the way she overate ( you 'll have to read the book ) , the emotions are so much the same . I can remember crying because someone called me fat . More than once . I remember feeling different than my friends . I remember the wild times with food and adult beverages in college . Reading that book made me cry because so much of it hit home for me . Thanks , Andie Mitchell , for the tears . In reading Andie 's story , I found one big difference . After she got to a healthy place and gained a little weight back , she maintained . I did not . I met a guy , adopted his bad habits , and got comfortable being in love . He wasn 't the first boyfriend I had post - weight loss . So why in this relationship did I gain weight ? Why did I start eating his crap food instead of my healthy food ? Why did my workouts dwindle ? Because he was local and I enjoyed spending time with him . Because I 'm , historically , one who sacrifices and does what others want . We DO do healthy things together sometimes but for me , it 's the food . A bad meal on the weekend with him turned into more . I hardly drank but cool beers on a hot summer evening started happening more . Over the last several months , I 've worked hard to recommit to my healthy lifestyle . I have done better but not great . Heck , I thought I was losing weight only to look at a photo and think " I 've gained MORE weight . " After reading this book , creeping into her social media , and realizing that I need to start again , I 'm feeling renewed . I 've learned that I won 't be successful if I keep beating myself up . Hey I lost like 180 pounds . Then I gained a bit back and was at , what I now know , my comfortable weight . I was good with a 160 pound loss . Hey , guess what , I 've gained about 50 back . . . Give or take since I am far too terrified to weigh myself . I never weighed myself in the beginning . I just started losing . I knew what I had been just before I started and went with that . After I started buying new clothes , I discovered I 'd lost some weight . Then I decided to invest in a scale . I 'm really working hard on being positive . I can 't look at where I was . I can 't let the a - hole comments of " oh wow you got fat again " bother me . I can 't internalize the words and thoughts of others and make them my own . Because they are not my own . What I do know is that in most ways I 'm happy . I 'm happy in love ; in my relationship . I 'm happy in my career . I 'm happy with my family and friends . Those are the thingsI need to stop looking at where I was and look only at where I am now . I can no longer look at myself as having failed . That is so harmful for me . I need to look at my happiness and just start . . . Not start again ; just start . I know what to do . And I will do it . First , it 's been almost two months . I guess I 've gotten out of the habit . This typically goes hand - in - hand with how well I 'm doing in terms of eating . That 's been up and down lately . I have excellent days then I have days where my boyfriend 's bad choices work their way into my mouth . I 'd like to think that they just wander there . They don 't . I really need to get past that point of being jealous when others eat crap that I usually like . Although the good news there is that sometimes his crap doesn 't taste as appealing as I 'd think . The quick update : I 've been working out diligently . I 've done a combo of yoga , pilates in the office a few times , walking ( lots of walking ) which has progressed back into a walk / jog combo , and combat . I decided that I really needed to get back into running . When you 're out of the game for a bit ( and you gain weight ) , you have to start near the bottom . For me this meant with walking . Two weeks ago I realized I had a 5K swiftly approaching so I upped my game . When I had the dogs with me , we jogged as much as they could handle . Our pace improved . They 've actually done pretty well for being old ( and for Buddy being a chunky boy ) . Then last Wednesday came . Apparently my calves are tight . Super tight . Tight to the point that they decided to feel so tight that they were on the verge of giving me double Charlie Horses . I stopped running , did a pretty slow ( for me ) walk pace , and hobbled home . I took Thursday off . Friday I tried again . I think I made it about half a mile before the tightness came on . Again , I was reduced to walking . And tears . So the dogs and I walked ( hobbled ) home after a 30 minute walk with about thismuch jogging . I stretched . I hydrated like a crazy woman . I rested my legs as much as I could the rest of the day . Saturday , The Super Run 5K . Another race for my buddy ! Yay ! I love getting any miles for him ; doing any exercise , really , but there 's something about doing a race . I guess I love sharing my race swag with the little guy ! I hydrated , stretched , and fueled pre - race . I was in a good place and hopeful ( although I voiced my fears about 10 , 000 times to my friend ) that it would be a good race . The day started out great ! It was sunny , there was no construction on our drive , we got there 15 minutes before we even needed to check in , parking wasn 't an issue . . . The day was going great . Well , except for when someone manged to pee all over the seat in the disgusting port - a - potty and I nearly vomited from the sight of it and the horrendous smell . But after that , it was good ! The race was at a gorgeous , large park in the Comstock Park ( near Grand Rapids ) . The race was very well - organized and a lot of fun . Everyone was dressed as super heroes . My friend Sarah and I even met another IRUN4 runner , so that was cool ! I can 't remember her name , but Owen from California , we met your awesome runner ! The race swag was pretty good - capes in place of t - shirts , and even though it wasn 't timed they gave out numbers , we got a couple things of Biofreeze and the other random post cards and such . The race was for charity and benefited a foster care agency , which I thought was an awesome choice . The post - race snacks were standard for a 5K ; water , apples , oranges and bananas . There was a hydration station along the course . The volunteers were super nice - they gave us extra medals for our buddies without any hesitation . Part of the course was through a field but I was okay with that . I 'm unsteady and find cross country running exhausting , but that day I thought maybe the softer surface would be good for the calves . I started out running a at pretty good pace . I clipped along through the grass , then a path , then more grass , and then . . . The intense cramping started . I walked for a few minutes and tried again . Still tight . Still intense . Finally I decided to just walk for a bit . And walk I did . And I stopped to stretch . I tried to run again ( you see , I do not just give up - although in this case it may have been better ) . The cramping worsened . The tears came . I stretched . I walked . . . Actually I think I limped because one leg was slightly worse than the other . I stretched some more . Then something strange happened . The cramping seemed to decrease . . . But the tops of my feet , especially the left , felt tingly like they were falling asleep . I continued walking and tingling with my decreasing cramping and then decided to run again . It wasn 't fast . In fact , it was most likely the slowest jog I 've ever done , but it was faster than walkers who passed me when I was walking , so maybe it wasn 't as slow as I thought . But I jogged . And jogged . And jogged - all the way to the finish line . I 'm not sure what happened but I was happy to finish jogging , not cramping , and not crying . It was my worst 5K ever in terms of my time . It was slow . . . I 'm not sure of the exact time but it was just on the other side of 45 minutes . Not even my first 5K took that long . Of course , at that time , I was running more , I weighed less , and my calves didn 't feel as though they were being squeezed in a vice . Cardio - wise , the jogging part was great , which is a good measure for me . That means my cardio endurance is getting better and that make me happy . After the race , my calves were tight . So tight . My friend and I headed toward home but stopped in another town to shop a little and have lunch . I thought that resting my calves would feel good but even walking around the mall aSo , not my best race , but a good day overall ! ! I think that the friend time was the best part ! While lying in bed last night , I was thinking about how much different my life is , even compared to just a year ago . It 's always amazing how much you can change in the course of what seems like a short period of time . Sometimes a change in a situation is just what you need . Right now I feel as though things are going pretty well for me - nothing is perfect , so I 'm not writing from some fantasy World where I think everything is perfect in my life . There is always room to improve yourself . We all have things that we could be working on - some of us do and others do not . I definitely do not have it all together . There are still things I am working on and there are things that I want . Admittedly , I 'm growing a bit impatient waiting for those things to happen - it 's annoying to me when the things I know I want are things I have zero control over . Anxiety happens when we worry about the future - and that doesn 't have to be a BAD thing . You can be anxious in a good way . And that 's totally me . I 'm always planning my next goal and how to get there . And when that requires waiting for someone else or a system to get their pieces in places , it becomes frustrating . So what I 'm doing now is trying to focus more on the current . Of course , it is good to have goals and such for the future and I 'll continue to strive for them - I 'm just trying to do so with less focus so that I 'm not getting so frustrated . And annoyed . Back to my original thought - I 'm happier now than I was a year ago . Much happier . What 's changed ? Not a lot - my employment , which apparently had more impact on me than I knew . I am doing a job that I kept thinking I needed to wait longer to do - for whatever reason . Finally , something ( be it God or a force that you believe in , but something ) pushed me into the place I needed to be . Not only did I NEED to be there , it 's a place I wanted to be . I 'm working in a office doing private practice therapy . And . I . Love . It . THIS is the reason I got my Master of Social Work . This is what I feel I was meant to do . This is what I love . A year ago I was struggling to be happy with what I was doing . I had been in the same type of place of ten years . I thought that a different position within that field was what I needed . It really wasn 't . It was more work ( and less pay initially ) and although it was the same type of place , it wasn 't the same place . I found myself missing my previous job more often than I thought . And you know , it was mostly the co - workers . Sure , there are obnoxious people and where ever you work . We can have complaints about others at any time . What I found though was that I was lacking a sense of belonging that I had at the employer before that . Almost immediately I fit in at my former place of employment . The last one ? Not so much . I felt like the cliques were a lot stronger there . And I struggled to fit into the clique that I " should " have been in . I quickly learned that I felt stronger connections to those who were not at a supervisory level . The work was not as much with people which was difficult for me as well . I majored in Social Work to work WITH people . . . Not to be bombarded with ridiculous amounts of paperwork and to only have interaction with people when someone was " misbehaving " in the eyes of others . It 's funny how I felt the strongest bonds with those individuals . I guess I need to feel like I am making a difference ; touching lives . Sitting at a desk overloaded with policies and such was NOT myTrue and true . I am exactly where I needed to be and even more cool - where I wanted to be . So last night , as I was thinking of this , I felt so thankful . How I got here was a bit of a twisty , hilly path , but I made it to where I wanted and needed to be . I feel so much less stress . I feel so much more happiness . I love what I do . So why is it that when I started to think of my past stress , and in particular the a - hole grown - up Regina George , I felt myself get upset . I could feel my anger in my back . I typically carry my tension in my neck and upper back but this filled my middle back . It 's amazing how even after being removed from a situation for a while , I can still let it get to me . Why ? That 's done . It 's in the past . I never have to speak to the a - hole grown - up Regina George again . If I see her in a store , I don 't HAVE to say a word . Generally I am a fairly pleasant person but I don 't even want this person near me . She was toxic to me . Naturally , some of this is on me for allowing the actions of another person to get to me so much ( most likely what she wanted ) . . . But do you know how freeing it is to realize you don 't have to talk to someone who you don 't want to talk to ? SO awesome ! ! ! Not long ago someone from my past sent me a message and wanted to get together for lunch or dinner as " friends " to discuss something that happened in the past ( like seven years ago . . . ? ) . Why do people do this ? Why do they dwell on things that occurred so long ago ? This person realized some things that they wanted to share with me . I didn 't see the sense in all of that . I was honest and said we are not " friends " - - because we aren 't . I 'm not going to pretend to have a friendship with someone when there is no basis for a friendship . I offered that they send me another message to tell me . The person wanted to share it in person rather than on social media . Okay , well , then , no . I have absolutely zero reason to see that person and the only reason they wanted to speak to me was to feel better . I don 't carry anything with me from that situation . At all . I 'm a different person in a much better and happier place in life . I don 't need to feel better because I 'm happy and at peace . Why would I want to allow that back into my life ? With the advancement of technology , there is no reason that whatever it was couldn 't have been sent in a message . . . I also happen to think that if someone was " dying " to say those things to me , they 'd do it in whatever means offered . Sorry , buddy , you don 't hold any type of control over me anymore and I 'm not about to enter into a situation where I would feel uncomfortable . Also ? I 'm not that curious about whatever it is you wanted to say . I 've let all of that go . In fact I 've let a lot go . For the first time I don 't really hold any anger toward an ex , which was something I did a lot in life . Even in a new relationship , I 'd still be pissed off at the last jerk who did something to hurt me . I don 't have that anymore . I 'm not curious about what any of my ex 's were thinking or about what they 're doing now . Is that what happens when you find real true love ? I 've said " I love you " before but maybe this is the first I 've actually felt that true love . Hmm . . . I guess I do have a belief that you can love people but when you have that one true love , it 's unlike anything else . That was a total random thought that took me in a different direction . . . . Anyway . . . I 'm so at peace with those past things now that I have released all of those feelings and thoughts into the universe or something . The thing is that no matter what has happened in the past , it doesn 't have to be in my future . I don 't have to acknowledge the existence of those who have made me feel a certain way or who treated me poorly . If a person or thing is not going to have a positive impact on my life or is going to disturb my personal harmony . . . . I don 't have to acknowledge it . I hope I 'm presenting this in a positive manner rather than as in a manner that makes me look like another variety of a - hole . I 've learned to empower myself , to stand up for myself . . . So much of me has changed . Honestly , that happened when I started to lose weight . I guess something clicked that made me realize that I deserved happiness that I wasn 't allowing myself to have . Getting healthy physically helped me to become healthy mentally . I firmly believe that the physical and mental go hand - in - hand . Now that I 've finally let the past go I need to stop worrying about the future so much . This is a HARD thing to do when you 're one of those " I know what I want and I 'm going for it " people . A bit impatient ? Totally me . Now I 'm off to go do some yoga because that 's one thing that really helps me to feel balanced and at peace . There is a mental and physical release that comes with yoga and it makes me feel so happy and free . And let 's face it , writing about all that has my back feeling a little tight . . . . But yet I feel an inner - calm at the same time . Maybe I just have bad posture right now ! After yoga , I think I 'll do a run because it looks lovely outside and a run sounds amazing . . . . I love these days where I have long lunch periods . I take full advantage of them because I 'm lucky I have them when I do . There are some days I am super busy so these days are much appreciated . Apparently what I 'm doing is working because last week someone said to me , " you look like you 've lost weight . " My response was that I have been trying . Apparently my work is paying off and others are seeing it . Finally . I feel like I 've been working hard and I feel like I 've seen some small changes but for others to notice helps to reinforce that I 'm not going crazy and am actually seeing those little changes . It hasn 't been much - I feel like some of my pants are fitting better . And so are getting bigger around the waist again . I feel like my midsection is looking a little smaller too . Yes ! I am glad that my results are showing . This keeps me motivated and reassures me that what I 'm doing is working again . It takes time for results to show and a lot of people will give up because of not seeing results . Look for ANY small signs that show that you 're making progress . As I 've mentioned in other posts , measurements are important and will show you results that scales don 't always show and may even show you results before you see them . That being said , I haven 't measured lately . But I will soon . . . I am making tutus for a race this weekend and despite making several tutus , I 'll need to measure my waist ( you 'd think I 'd remember what size to make , but then my body has fluctuated so those probably wouldn 't be right anyway ) so I might as well do some other measurements as well . I have really been working on my healthy eating and have done better lately . My boyfriend and I were out of town over the weekend and of ate out a couple times . Most restaurant foods are not healthy in one way or another . Even if they are low calories they may be high fat or full of sodium . So eating over the weekend wasn 't the best thing ever but I did make sure to eat smaller portions of those unhealthy foods . I did have a few drinks ( beers ) which is pretty rare for me these days . I didn 't drink a whole lot which is probably good because I don 't drink much . And I have this allergy to something in alcohol or the fermentation process so I get sick . Generally I get really stuffy and it feels like awful seasonal allergies . Sometimes it 's worse . Anyway , so I don 't drink much so any drinks are out of my norm . I have been doing a lot of yoga lately as well as Combat and Chalean Extreme . This week I need to scale back on the combat and focus on some running for my cardio . I have that race this weekend so a few runs will do me good . Hopefully it 's not too chilly because I would LOVE a nice , warm outdoor run . Otherwise I 'll be stuck to the ol ' treadmill . I also need to be sure to get my Chalean Extreme workouts done . Yoga and Combat have been priority and I feel like my strength training hasn 't been . I 've been doing it but not as scheduled as it had been in the past . I 've just kind of been getting my strength workouts done where I can . I like strength training but making sure I do my yoga and combat because I love both of those . I really feel like yoga has made such a difference in my life that I want to make sure it 's a part of my daily routine . I do miss a little yoga here and there ( like Sunday when we were out of town and I was too darn tired when I got home ) . I really love either doing yoga to wake me up in the morning or to wind down at night . It can be both energizing and relaxing . . . . . I love how many different poses and types of yoga there are and how each can do something different for the body . So . Awesome . I recommend yoga to anyone . You can modify it for different fitness levels , body types , health issues , . . It can help with anxiety and depression . It 's really an awesome exercise that offers so many benefits . Seriously . Love . It . I guess that 's my update for now . I can 't believe it 's been a week since I posted . I guess last week got a bit crazy ! ! That Day I Thought My Boyfriend Called Me Fat . . . . So yesterday my darling boyfriend made some comment about how we need to eat healthier so that I can get back to where I was when we first met . The look on my face must have said it all because the look on his face was one that would probably say " oh crap , I messed up . " Luckily , I did not jump to any conclusions and kept my mouth shut and allowed him to continue . He wasn 't calling me fat . He has never called me fat . He 's never said anything about me , even when I 'm wearing my old comfy yoga pants with the holes , a sweatshirt , and my hair is in a top knot . The thing is that I keep saying it . My boyfriend was not trying to insult me . My boyfriend was telling me that he is finally on board with getting some better eating habits . He was telling me that he supports me and he wants to show that support by the two of us eating healthier together . I sure am glad I didn 't jump to conclusions and start to cry and say something I 'd later regret . I 'm sure my expression said enough . Here 's the thing . . . Not only have I gained some weight in our almost two years together . So has he . It 's happy weight , but he weighs more than he ever has . Has his gut grown ? Yes . Do I ever say anything negative about it ? No . I hardly even notice . Sure if I look at pictures , I see it . . . Just like with myself . I 'm happy that he made that comment . . . It shows that we are on the same page and we are supportive of one another . He even said he 'll try my weird recipes . . . Except spaghetti squash . He has major thoughts of disgust when it comes to spaghetti squash . One of these days I may need to surprise him with it somehow . . . . Or maybe convince him to try just a little taste of mine . Otherwise , though , I feel amazing that he is ready to commit to a healthier lifestyle . It will not only help us both , I think that it will help to bring us even closer together . Now if I can convince him to workout I 'll be super happy - but one step at a time , and he 'll have to make that decision on his own . I did get him to try a couple yoga poses yesterday when he tried to tell me yoga isn 't that challenging . He had difficulty with one and wouldn 't even try the others , immediately saying , " I can 't do that ! " He was teasing me about the yoga ; not seriously criticizing what I love . He 's a great support and is really encouraging with anything that I do . To change gears . . . Today I did my morning yoga routine and Combat 30 . I 'm hoping to sneak in my evening yoga because it 's so relaxing and I LOVE it at the end of the day , but we 'll see . I really enjoy our together time and chatting while he watches his man soap opera . And he 's kinda gotten me into it too . I 'm just finishing at the office and by the time I get home and get dinner ready , it 'll be getting late . Oh ! Instead of following along with the DVD that I normally do , I think I 'll do some calming poses while he watches TV . That will actually be a good challenge for me . . . By staying in the same room with distractions , it will help me to focus on myself and my breathing - it will challenge me to block out those distractions . This will be a fun experiment . I finally found my missing piece . As you know I 've struggled off and on as far as eating , gained weight back , and had a hard time losing . I 've never struggled with doing some kind of workout and continue to consistently workout at least five days a week . I 've really gotten into yoga a lot over the last month and it 's transforming me . Don 't get me wrong , I still love getting runner 's high and crossing the finish at a race ( even if I am much slower these days ) . I love lifting weights . I 've become more of a diverse athlete . . . , ore well - rounded in terms of my fitness . I 'm constantly mixing things up . On busy days that I can 't lift weights or do a major cardio session , I do yoga or pilates in my office . Some days I have time for two 30 , impute sessions . Sometimes I am lucky to be able to do a full hour . I do yoga daily - at least 30 minutes in the morning or night . I strive for both . Yes , that 's even on days that I do other workouts . In addition to my yoga , I 'm doing Combat and Chalene Extreme . There are days I jog instead of doing combat but there haven 't been as many of those lately . I 'm burnt out on the treadmill and it 's still too cold for my wimpy self to get outside . I do the elliptical as a substitute . Diet still hasn 't been great but over the last week I 've felt way more transformed and am back on track . My boyfriend even expressed that he 's ready to give up yucky food and eat healthier . Bonus ! ! That 's a huge need for both of us and with him more on board it will be easier . I 'm glad he 's there . Anyway . . . Yoga . It 's more than a form of exercise . It 's a way of life . I feel more in touch with my mind and body . I feel stronger but physically and mentally . I feel at peace , calm , and happy . I 've started meditating which isn 't easy . My mind likes to go 100 miles a minute . Like my poses , my meditation needs practice . . . But it will improve . Right now I focus on my breathing which helps . I do chant " om " which is also helpful . I have found some great mantras ! I really need to invest in some mala beads . I , having a hard tPosted by I have this friend ( for real , it 's not one of those random scenarios where it 's really me ) . . . And this friend has a medical diagnosis that is debilitating . It 's very possible that someday she may be in a wheelchair . A lot of people who have MS ( multiple sclerosis ) end up wheelchair bound . Eventually people become so debilitated they are stuck in bed . Eventually , like any of us , they die - sadly for many it 's what most of us would consider far too soon . I 've seen it first hand ( working with those diagnosed with MS ) . I hope that those hard days don 't come for my friend - I hope there is a cure by then . Here 's a link to the MS Society for those of you who may not be aware . Here 's the thing about my friend . . . She 's amazing . Total rocks tar status . She doesn 't let her diagnosis get the best of her . Recently she mentioned that she has been involved in on - line groups that she 's struggled to belong to . Why ? Because other group members have lost their positivity . From what I gather from her words , they dwell on the bad things . They complain . They only see their limitations . They view their future as bleak . She is the complete opposite . She 's positive . She seeks ways to try to , naturally , enhance her life . She does her research about how various products effect her body . She eats healthy , real foods . It sounds as though the majority of her foods are organic , non - GMO , nourishing foods . She takes care of herself . Life really is what you make it . I can sit here right now and be like " I 've gained so much weight over the last couple years , " " I 'm so disappointed in myself , " or " how did I let this happen ? " But guess what . . . Negative self - talk will get you no where good . It 'll make you feel even worse about yourself which , for many of us , really kills motivation . If you want to change your body , your health , or anything else in life you need to start by being nice to yourself . You need to take care of your body . It 's the same as it is with my friend . She could sit there and say " I have MS . . . . I can 't do that . " But she 's not . She 's not using it as an excuse . She 's using her diagnosis as a way to keep her body healthy and to fight back . She 's raising awareness . She is a living example of how to treat yourself well . And really , if you 're not going to be nice to you , why should anyone else ? No one likes to be around a Debbie Downer that they constantly have to reassure and compliment . Eventually they 'll tire of it . Yeah , it takes work to lose weight or live healthy . It 's work I 'm willing to do though . I love myself enough to nourish it with ( mostly ) healthy foods and to give it the exercise it craves . I 'm not really watching the scale so much right now ( that totally messes with my head ) but I know that by changing the bad habits I had fallen into , I will lose weight . Slow weight loss and living healthy needs to be the priority for me . I get a little crazy when the scale is too involved . I allow the numbers to dictate how I feel about myself ; to set the tone for my day ; and that just opens up doors to allow me to be an asshole to myself . I don 't need that in my life . So what am I doing ? I 'm exercising . Daily . Even on busy days when I have strange gaps that aren 't long enough to do a full workout , I 'm fitting it in . I 've been doing a lot of 30 minute periods of yoga or pilates in my office . Some days I get to do that twice a day . Or I do a more intense morning workout and then fit one of those sessions in later in the day , whenever I have time . I 'm on a decent streak right now too . I 've done a workout daily for 11 days . My " rest " days are active rest days where I do something lower intensity , like pilates or walking , or I workout for a shorter length of time . I 'm not doing major cardio or strenuous exercise daily because I know that my body needs a break . I 'm eating healthy . For the last two weeks I 've done meal prep for the week . It certainly makes life easier on busy days . Some nights I see clients until 7 : 30 . I don 't want to go home and cook a meal at that time . Instead it 's all ready for me and I just have to warm it up . It 's easy . That 's what I need on those days . If I don 't cook ahead of time , what 's the easy alternative ? Crappy food - fast food ; snack foods from the gas station . . . Nothing GOOD for me . I 'm also sneaking in a late afternoon healthy , protein rich snack to help me make it through the evening . Otherwise , I 'd overeat from being so hungry . Yeah , you can overeat healthy foods too . Water . I think that , by now , we all know that water is good for our bodies . It helps with weight loss . It 's the best thing you can drink . Period . I typically drink a lot of water , but there are times when I definitely miss the mark . Winter is hard because , I 'd just rather have something hot or nothing at all than drink cold water . Some days it 's a struggle . I also fell back into a pop habit for a while . Seriously , I could drink two Diet Pepsis ( 20 oz ) in a weekend day , easily . . . Sometimes three . I don 't even like pop that much but I found myself in that habit . I 've kicked that once again . In the last two weeks I have had one pop . I guess it 's like junk food . . . I can 't eat it if it 's not in my house . And I have to think about it if I go to the store - there 's the effort going to the store , right now there 's the cold , and then I have time to think about what a waste of money it is too . Yup . . . That 's easy enough . Social Media . It keeps me accountable . Just like this blog that I 'm not posting to nearly enough . I 've found Instagram to be a good source to help with accountability . Say what you want , but let 's face it , social media is a good bragging platform . . . . And maybe part of my accountability is related to bragging . I 'm not too afraid to admit it . . . . I love posting my gross post - workout pictures because people " like " them and sometimes they comment . There 's a reason y ' all use those hash tags and you know it . I don 't necessarily want a bunch of followers . . . . But it does help when people are liking those pics . It helps me stay accountable . I want them to see my nasty workout pictures all the time . I will post my meal prep or a healthy dinner as well . I also tend to post my dogs and other pictures ( usually my goofy boyfriend and I ) but it 's generally used for all things health and fitness related . Maybe I am bragging about every workout I do ( yeah , even if I do three different things in a day ) , but it helps me stay accountable . Ya gotta find what works for you ! Myself . I 'm being nice to myself . I 'm treating myself well . Negative self - talk is gone ; positive self - talk is in . That 's it . . . I 'm just being good to myself . Why ? Because I freaking love myself . That 's it . . . Why focus on the things that I 'm not doing well or that I don 't like about myself ? That 's not helping anyone . Instead I stay positive and focus on the things I 'm doing right . Other people . . . Like my friend . She 's awesome . I look at what others do and let them inspire me . I read their posts , view their pictures , and remind myself that my health is what matters . I also remind myself that I don 't know who I might be inspiring . I want to live a happy , healthy , positive life so that others can see that they can too . And on the flip side , I 'm done letting what other people do and say influence me . I 've had people use what I have written on this blog to try to hurt me . They 've made up lies that other people have said things about me . . . Really those people haven 't . They 've just read my insecurities on this blog and tried to twist what I 've said about myself to make me believe that other people have said those things . The thing about that , is that I 've never known anyone else to be as mean to me as I 've allowed myself to be . I 'm secure and confident in who I am . . . Sure there are things I can work to improve or change . We all have those things in our lives . I 'm working on mine . " What 's your excuse ? " I pose that question to myself frequently when I need some extra motivation . I generally find that there 's no good excuse that will get me out of working out . Unless I should not be working out for a darn good reason ( like a major illness ) , there 's nothing that I should allow to stop me . Excuses are just that - excuses . Next time you don 't want to do your workout or cook a healthy meal . . . Think of my friend . Think of how she has this stupid diagnosis in her life that she could use an excuse . Then think of how she doesn 't let it stop her - she 's motivated , she 's determined , and she 's happy . Who wouldn 't want to be happy ? ? I am lucky to not suffer from SAD ( Seasonal Affective Disorder ) because I 'm quite certain I 'd be hitting rock bottom about now . My personal opinion of February is that it just sucks . Period . It 's the shortest month but always seems like the longest . . . Probably because it 's so brutal in Michigan . The last couple weeks have been cold , snowy , and colder . Roads are awful . Wind is whipping . I want to stay inside . All the time . I do not have SAD , but if I did , life would be difficult . More than difficult . I 'd venture to say unbearable . If you suffer from SAD , you are in my thoughts right now . . . Give yourself praise for making it through each day . So , my gripe about the Winter is just that - a gripe . This Winter has not even been that bad compared to last year . I 'm just at that point where I 'm over it . I 'm tired of the cold . I 'm tired of crappy roads . I just want to be warm and enjoy driving again . If it 's nasty and I hit a rough patch or the wind whips so that it pushes my car just right , I get little baby panic attacks . They 're not major and don 't last long but my heart rate increases , I get stress sweat , and have to talk myself into calming down . It 's worse in the dark . I don 't recall this happening when I was younger and landed in the ditch a lot . Perhaps this means I 'm getting old . In addition , I find it more difficult to workout in the Winter . I 'm cold . When I 'm cold I don 't want to do anything except sit under a blanket and stay warm . I fell into a rut a couple weeks ago back . hormones ; curse you PMDD ) and had a hard time getting moving . And of course wanted to eat junk . I kept moving with at least doing little things but my plan to amp it up didn 't happen . I was happy to be doing something but it just wasn 't enough . Add this cold Winter junk in there and I am amazed I was doing anything at all . So my pre - week and TOM week came and went . And my energy was back . Last week I started a combo of Combat and Chalean Extreme . There are days when my schedule is crazy and I can 't do either ( usually Wednesday ) because of time . I don 't have a long enough lunch to run home to workout , shower , and eat lunch . So on those days I use any spare time between clients ( maybe 30 min twice a day ) to do some pilates in my office . My new philosophy is to get it in where I can . I 'd rather do something more intense but on the days when life is hectic , I 'm making sure I am at least doing something . My current plan is working pretty well . I 'm most definitely feeling it in my body ! ! I do either one or two workouts a day . I 'm not following a specific hybrid schedule for that plan . Right now I 'm using the main workouts from the program and doing them where they will fit . For me , it 's working . For example , yesterday I did Combat 30 and CLX Burn 1 . Today was Combat HIIT 1 and I 'll do pilates in my office during a break for about 30 minutes . Tomorrow is a day with very little breaks so I 'll most likely just do a couple 30 minute periods of pilates with no Combat or CLX . I work pretty much 8 - 8 ( again with a couple breaks that are not long enough for a workout ) . I MIGHT get combat 45 done if I get up early enough , but the reality of that happening is slim . I 'm not an early morning workout person . Thursday and Friday I come in a little late ( and again , work late ) so I should be able to do both Combat and CLX on those days . Saturday and Sunday won 't be a problem and generally become longer workout days for me because I want to squeeze in some running time on the treadmill . It all works if you plan ahead ! ! Sure things creep up that sometimes prevent that , but in general , if you plan it , you can achieve it . Eating is good again - we were in an eating out spree for a bit there . Like twice or even three times in a weekend . That 's just too much . Even once a week ( weekend ) is too much but it 's better . So that 's helping as well . I 've found that I have an allergy to something in booze ( explains why I am always stuffed up and yucky feeling if I have too much ) . It 's most likely in the fermentation process . I 'm not a big drinker anyway , but this at least reduces that even more . I had a couple beers with dinner Saturday night and got stuffy . Sunday I had three small glasses wine and was super stuffy . Then I want to nap so that I feel better . I 've always had that happen but it wasn 't until a few months ago that I actually paid attention . It seems to be worse with wine than with beer ; and with craft beers than other light beers . It 's all in how it 's made . I 'm not actually allergic to alcohol , but it helps to think that way . I was typically having a few drinks both weekend nights ( with a splurge now and then ) and until last weekend , it was maybe one glass of wine or one beer one night . I don 't feel congested and sleepy if I keep it that way . That combo with not being a big drinker really helps to keep that part of things in check . This week I prepped a few meals ahead - egg whites with spinach and mushroom ; roasted sweet potatoes and bacon ; black bean burger ; and spaghetti squash carbonara . Friday we are having my boyfriend 's fav grilled cheese ( some fancy , jazzed up version I found once and he loves ) so it won 't be super healthy but not terrible either . And certainly better than pizza and bread sticks ( the routine we had going on for a while ) . Those can 't really be prepped ahead of time because , well , gross . So that 's my check - in for now ! Seems to be that things are going well . I feel more energetic , my body aches ( in a good way ! ) , and I 'm eating healthy foods . So . . . All is well . I must really find time to blog more frequently . It helps with accountability . Of course , I use IG for that too . . . I 've had people ask why I post so many sweaty post - workout pics and food pics . The answer is clear - accountability . I 'm not really answering to anyone but I like seeing my own streak of workouts and healthy eating . So . . . Accountability is key . And that 's that . Last week I did the Beachbody Three Day Refresh . . . . And had great results ! I dropped about seven pounds and between three & four inches around my waist . I would say I had a successful time using the refresh ! I do like my Beachbody products so this made me super happy - another positive checkmark for Beachbody ! ! Here 's the thing about the program . . . Do not go into it looking for a quick fix . Unless you really need a quick fix to look good in a dress or something . What I discovered is that it 's very low calories ; under 1200 a day which I don 't usually condone . But it was only for three days . It 's definitely something that someone could sustain on a long - term basis . The plan was easy . . . . Most of the work was done for me . I had a Shakeology and a fruit in the morning , green tea twice a day for snacks , a Fiber Sweep drink late morning , A refresh shake , a veggie and a healthy fat ( I had hummus ) for lunch , another veggie and healthy fat in the afternoon , and another refresh shake and veggies from one of the recipes for dinner from the book they provided . That 's it . . . The recipes were not complicated and very easy to cook . No problems there . I made the mistake of exercising too much the first day . . . I was starving . I should 've scaled it back . The next days I worked out but decreased my intensity and felt much better . I drank a lot of water during this time which I think really helped keep me full . By the end of the third day , it was easy and I really enjoyed having a set plan . If eating could always be so easy ! ! Thursday I ate almost the same as I did on the plan . Lots of veggies and fruits . No meat . No dairy . No bad carbs . This is exactly the answer I 'd been hoping for when I started the refresh . . . . That it would spring me back into action with healthy , clean eating . Success . I even did pretty well - better than I had been - over the weekend . I paleo buffalo chicken tenders and veggies Friday night for dinner . Saturday I did pulled pork in the crockpot and used a lightened up recipe for that too . I did indulge in some chips and a bun . Sunday was about the same . We had leftovers so we did pulled pork again , which I again had some chips with . The chips went into my boyfriend 's lunch and were out of the house . We did not eat out all weekend . I cooked foods that were pretty clean and allowed myself those little treats . Oh ! I also had one beer on Saturday evening . Just one . We walked about three and a half miles then I came home and ran at least one more on the treadmill so I decided I earned that extra little treat . I have not weighed myself since the refresh but given that it was so low cal and so restrictive in terms of what was allowed , I 'm sure I 've gained some of that back . I mean , that happens about anytime you lose weight fast like that . I don 't feel like I 've gained it all back . Actually , I feel pretty good - and hope that I 'm losing some more ! ! My exercise has been consistent and since the refresh my eating has been much better . Yesterday I had a whole grain English muffin with some natural PB and organic honey for breakfast , Shakeology with strawberries in it for lunch , plain Greek yogurt and raspberries for a snack , and dinner a veggie stir - fry using coconut oil and " zoodles " instead of noodles or rice , with a side of organic veggie broth because since the refresh a cup was allowed with dinner ) I have a new love for veggie broth . I did munch on some whole grain crackers later in the evening - mostly because I needed the calorie boost . So far today has been about like yesterday . I 'm working later this evening ( until about 6 : 30 so home around7 - ish and have not decided what I 'll make for dinner yet ) . I have recipes I want to try , but let 's face it - by that time I 'm going to be really hungry and want something fast and easy . I have a bit of a longer break today so I may try to make something while I 'm off for lunch . . . . Hopefully I have the time ! Otherwise dinner might just be a quick salad and some broth . . . . Who knows ! ! Applebee 's . . . I get what you 're doing . Marketing . You want to make sure people keep coming in , even during this time of resolutions . The Pub Diet . Great idea . . . . As far as marketing goes . I 've seen your commercials . I received your e - mail . You 're doing a splendid job pushing it . I literally laughed out loud when I saw your info about grabbing a cold one and chowing down . Do you think that alcohol is healthy ? It 's not . I get you make a great deal of your money from your alcohol sales . . . . But really ? Pushing beverages while advertising a " diet " seems a little silly to me . I like that you 're including foods like quinoa ! I like that your offerings are high protein and low calorie . Your publications make the foods look delicious . But . . . Where 's the other nutritional data ? Why isn 't it plastered on the front page with the other data ? No worries , though , I found it on the website . Your carb counts are pretty high . And your sodium ? Atrocious . Some of the offerings pack more sodium than most of us eat in a full day . What do I expect though ? It 's processed food . Like other chains and brands marketed as " diet " food - you have certain qualifiers that support your claim . It isn 't healthy though . . . It 's not " clean . " I found the same to be true of your other " healthier " options that were supported by WW . That 's great - calories and points taken into consideration , you were on point . But please . I know you want to make money . Don 't get me wrong , I like your food - particularly the unhealthy stuff . I have a cheat meal at my local Applebee 's once every month or two . Your Perfect Margarita really is perfect . I like you , Applebee 's . I just don 't like your Pub Diet idea . Is this like the Subway Diet ? Eat these " healthy " options and continue to lose weight ? Sorry . . . That amount of sodium , in addition to whatever is in my normal food for a day and I 'd be beyond puffy the next day . It 's amazing how sodium can impact on a person 's weight . Did you know that , Applebee 's ? I know you don 't want to lose customers to their resolutions . You want them to come in . You need them to . But if you are concerned with providing us real , healthy options , perhaps try to do so in a different way . I know you 're a business and it is all about making money and in order to provide truly healthy ingredients you 'd lose money . And you 'd have to pay for more staffing to prep the healthy stuff . I get it . . . . As you can tell , I 've been super busy lately . . . Mostly with trying to get this move done . What . A . Pain . The really super fun thing is t . . . The countdown is on ! ! One week from now I will be home recovering from surgery . . . Crazy ! ! I didn 't think that this day would ever come . . . .
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Mattawoman Creek , Potomac River , MDN 38 33 . 867 W 077 11 . 827Yesterday we got a phone call from our friend Ken . Ken is a friend of Dean . Both Dean and Ken are fans of this blog . Way back when we were in Florida , Ken contacted us and said that he would like to meet when we get to North Carolina . We said sure . Poor Ken , it never worked out . We tried Beaufort , NC . We tried Oriental and New Bern and Elizabeth City as meeting points . No dice . Finally Ken read the blog and went to the Gangplank Marina in Washington hoping to meet us there . Alas , he gotthere on Friday and we 're not going to arrive until Sunday . Last night 's anchorage and tonight 's are both afflicted with local varmints . I 'm referring to Marines from the Quantico , VA marine base near here . These marines all have very small , very powerful , and very fast speed boats . They never seem to move at less than full throttle . They must get only 5 miles per gallon of testosterone . As long as they don 't run into us I don 't mind , but their close passes keep making us jump . Our friend Les Pendleton said , " If you listen to NOAA weather reports , you 'll never ever leave the dock with any boat . " There 's a lot of truth in that . Today a cold front is approaching . The weather radio says that there will be some thunderstorms . Some of the storms may be severe with damaging hail , damaging winds and risk of tornadoes . All mariners are warned to seek refuge immediately . So here we sit , at anchor in a refuge , waiting with anxiety for this end of the world event . The truth is that almost none of those warnings are ever true . The storms are widely scattered , almost always less severe than they say , and not bad for Tarwathie to ride out . One thing - - Tarwathie is not a small craft . Another thing , severe thunderstorms tend to be over in 15 minutes , they are less than a threat than storms with sustained winds . Still $ another thing , the weather alert always uses the word " may " . Psychology dictates that we hear " will " when they say " may . " They could alsosay that an asteroid * may * strike the ePosted by The Potomac RiverN 37 58 W 076 20Well , I took the plunge and reserved a slip at the Gangplank Marina in downtown Washington D . C . for the whole month of June . It 's expensive . Rental for the slip will cost us almost $ 700 for the month . That 's a lot more than we like to spend . On the other hand , we 'll get a lot . A hotel room near that location for the month of June would cost $ 6 , 000 to $ 18 , 000 ! So we 're looking forward to having a lot of fun . We 'll be near a metro station . Between that and the city buses , we can go anywhere in the DC area . It is hard to think of any other place were there are so many things to do . Part of the fun will be a weekend visit from our son John and his family , Cheryl , Nick , Sara , Katelyn and Victoria . Seeing kids and grand - kids is a special treat for us . Right now though , we 're on the first day of a 3 day cruise to get to DC . This morning we sailed down the Rappahonack River , up Chesapeake Bay and in to the Potomac River and the state of Maryland . The weather is excellent , and the forecasts for the next two days call for more fine weather . Life is good . We just passed a school of rays ( sting rays ? ) in the water . There were 5 of them , swimming close together . I never saw rays before except in the shallow waters close to shore . Urbanna Public LibraryNo LLIgnore the audio . When I shot the film I didn 't understand what we were seeing . In actuality , it is an Osprey standing in water less than 6 inches deep . The Osprey is using his claws to dig down in to the mud to catch a clam or a mussel for his diner . He uses his wings to keep balance . We thought it was a pelican caught in a net , but just after shooting this video , the Osprey took off and flew away . Despite the poor quality and misleading audio , I think it 's an interesting video . Urbanna Virginia Public LibraryNo LLThree nights ago , we had a visit from Rachel ( see the picture ) . Rachel cruised on the Westsail 32 Moonrise . I just added a link to Moonrise 's blog in the Other Blogs section on your right . Libby and RachelTwo nights ago , we invited Karl and Glen over to have diner on Tarwathie . Both men live alone on their boats , and both are anchored here in Urbanna for a while . Karl has a small vessel ( see the picture ) . I believe it is an Albin 23 . He bought it in Malmö , Sweden and sailed over hear . The boat 's name is Sjöjungfru , which means mermaid in Swedish . Libby and I enjoyed listening to Karl and Glen . The two of the are as different from each other as can be . Karl on his boatLast night , we had diner with Gary and Nell at their house . Gary is building a wonderful wooden sail boat in his garage . We 've written about him before . We 've had the couple on board Tarwathie for dinner , and once Gary sailed with us and John and Mary Ann to Deltaville . Anyhow , they invited us over for a crabcake and shrimp diner . Mmm mmm boy was it good . Gary is also making good progress on the boat . See the picture , and compare it with the picture from last year . Libby and Gary inspect the boatTomorrow , Nell leaves for two weeks in Peru as part of a church mission . That sounds like a nice adventure . She can tell us about it when we pass Urbanna sometime in the future . Gary and NellThis morning we were supposed to leave for Washington D . C . I got up at 0530 to prepare . The wind was excellent . However , it was cold and it was raining . It just didn 't look like fun . I exercised the cruiser 's privilege . I changed my mind about leaving and crawled back in to bed to cuddle with Libby . Urbanna , VirginiaN 37 38 . 248 W 076 34 . 146Boy , this is a place where we could get attached to . Sort of like Velcro ( whoops , meant Vero ) Beach . We like Urbanna . Yesterday we had a visit from Rachel . Rachel is a fan of this blog . She first ran across it a few months back . She doesn 't exactly remember how she found the blog . In any event , she liked it and over the span of several weeks , she read the whole thing . The whole thing is quite a mouthful nowadays . There are 889 articles posted here . Anyhow , Rachel has a special interest in our blog because she cruised on a Westsail 32 in the years 2001 - 2004 . She traveled more widely than we have , including Alaska , British Columbia , the west coast , Mexico , Panama , Belize . and the Caribbean . Rachel lives nearby so she contacted us and arranged to drive to Urbanna for a visit . We had fun , Rachel , Libby and I swapping stories over diner . Unfortunately one rude man blemished the fine day . At the Compass Quay motel nearby , is a big parking lot that is almost aways empty . There are few or no guests at the motel . Anyhow , Rachel tried to park her car there because she had a dog in the car , and she needed a shady spot . The man on duty at the motel came out and went ballistic ; very rudely chasing her and us off the property . There was no need for nastiness . Nevertheless , with that one exception , we find the people in Urbanna to be exceptionally friendly and hospitable . We also met the crew of Cygnus yesterday . We know them from Vero Beach and from the Bahamas . They were leaving today to sail for Solomons ( excellent wind today ) . I told them about Tangier Island which is along their way . They told me about the pleasures of anchoring on Nantucket Island . We 've never been to Nantucket . It might make a good stop this year . Tonight , we have invited two neighbors for diner . Both are men about our age , who live alone on their boats . I think that both may be real characters . We 'll find out . Today I got an email from Rachel . She read the blog from yesterday about our fiberglass repair to the dinghy . Posted by Urbanna , VirginiaN 37 38 . 248 W 076 34 . 146One couldn 't ask for a nicer day . The sky was blue , the temperature was around 72F ( 22C ) , the wind less than 5 knots . I spent the morning in the dinghy cleaning and waxing the exterior stainless steel parts . Libby spent the afternoon cleaning the brown mustache from around the water line of the hull . That involves cleaning with Slimy Grimy , then waxing . At the end of the day , we both felt like we came back from Karate practice ( wax on wax off ) When we got here on Friday , there were only two other boats with people aboard anchored in the harbor . Yesterday , as the first day of a 3 day weekend , about 40 sailboats arrived in the afternoon . I think that they must have emptied all the marinas and yacht clubs in Deltaville to sail to Urbanna . They looked pretty coming in . The beautiful motor vessel , Cape Ann leaves Urbanna harbor . Above is the ship we saw in the Portsmouth , VA ship yard . It is flying Swedish and Finnish flags . Does anybody know what it is ? We have a Fatty Knees brand hard dinghy . We like it a lot . It is roomy , and stable , and rows great , moves fine with a 2 hp outboard , and we have a sailing rig for it . Amazingly , almost as many boating people recognize it by her lines as recognize the Westsail . We 're used to being hailed , " IS THAT A FATTY KNEES ? " It 's the only item we own with a brass plate that lists the name , address and phone number of the builders . They must be proud of what they do . A disadvantage of the Fatty Knees is that it is delicate , and easily damaged . The fiberglass is very thin . This keeps the weight low . However , we carry her up on deck under the boom . She suffers inevitable dings and bashes from launching and retrieving operations , and bumps from other dinghys at the dinghy dock . So far , I 've patched a dozen or so small holes and dings in the hull . By the way , JB Weld make a product called Water Weld that is perfect for such jobs . You can even apply it under water ! Lately however , the forward trunk of the dinghy started to show major cracks and separation from the hull . This is much more serious than dings . Repairs and reinforcement were sorely needed . We did the project at the dock at the Blackbeard Sailing Club because we could take her off Tarwathie 's deck without putting it in the water . I prepared for the project by buying epoxy resin , hardener , and fiberglass tape . The major repair was to lay down fiberglass tape over all the parts of the forward trunk that are subject to strain . I also wanted to improve my repair of minor dings by giving them a coat of resin . The picture collage shows some of the pre - repair cracks , and also our preparations for the project on the dock . I had never done fiberglass work before , so I was a little nervous about it . I mixed up the resin and hardener according to instructions . I was supposed to have 20 - 25 minutes of pot life plus 90 minutes of working time before it hardened . At first , things went smoothly . I painted on the resin , laid down the fiberglass tape , then brushed on more resin on top of thatPosted by Urbanna , VirginiaN 37 38 . 248 W 076 34 . 146We made a bad choice last night . Just around dark , with 2 - 3 hours to go to Deltaville , the wind died out . There was a shallow part nearby . We decided to anchor there for the night exposed out on Chesapeake Bay . Well , needless to say , NOAA weather let us down . About the time we went to bed the wind picked up again and it blew around 15 knots . Within an hour or so the waves built up . So we rocked and creaked all night long . I had to get up 5 times to check on strange noises or to find things rolling around . Neither one of us slept . We really regret our choice of anchoring spot . At 0500 , first light , we hoised anchor and continued to Deltaville . We had both wind and current against us so we only made 2 knots using the engine . 3 hours later we made it to Jackson Creek , and guess what - - - the wind stopped . I went to West Marine in Deltaville to buy a new fender to replace the one that exploded on me . This on is a Taylor brand from Gloversville , NY . It has a lifetime guarantee . We found out that neither Deltaville nor Urbanna have Memorial Day parades . Too bad . We decided to move on to Urbanna to spend the weekend . We really like it here . One plus , compared to previous visits to Urbanna . Today , I 'm picking up WIFI from here on the boat . Deep Creek VirginiaN 36 44 . 432 W 076 20 . 698Nora , our friend in Elizabeth City , gave Libby an interesting bit of local color . She said that tree branches overhanging The Great Dismal Swamp Canal are often brushed by the rigging of sailboats as they pass underneath . ( We can attest to that , we 've often brushed against branches in the canal . ) Well in the spring , Nora says , poisonous snakes ( cotton mouth snakes ) like to mate in the branches of the trees . Sometimes , the boats brush the branches and knock the snakes off . Imagine yourself as a snake enjoying a nice nap . Suddenly , you 're knocked off your perch and you fall 50 feet to land on something hard . Well if that were me , it would put me in a very foul mood . I expect that it would be the same for the snakes . Yikes ! Having an angry poisonous snake fall on your neck could ruin your whole day . Well , you better believe it , today as we cruised up the canal we had our eyes on the sky . We eyeballed every tree . It turns out that we didn 't see any snakes , and that the trees have been trimmed back so that Tarwathie didn 't brush against any branches . Nevertheless , we couldn 't stop looking . I have no way to validate Nora 's story , but it occurs to me that if she was pulling our legs , then it worked perfectly . Never again will I be able to go through the swamp without looking up . Come to think of it , that is the perfect prank to pull on your friends . You may have to think up different circumstances , perhaps wolverines hiding in garbage cans , but if you succeed it would be great fun . This morning we got up at 0530 to get underway at first light . It worked . We backed out of the slip 10 minutes before dawn . Unfortunately , the draw bridge at Elizabeth City wouldn 't open . The lady bridge tender apologies profusely , and she tried again and again . After four retries and 45 minutes , it finally opened . So much for our early start . The Posquotank River above Elizabeth City is especially beautiful . It is surrounded everywhere by cypress swamps . In the early morning , mist rises off the still wPosted by Elizabeth City , Mariner 's DocksN 36 17 . 915 W 76 13 . 099Well , we have been sampling the pleasures of Elizabeth City for 3 days . This place has a lot to offer . David and Hilde on Raven told us to visit their friend Earl on Dancing Bear at the nearby marina . I scribbled a note to myself to do that . As I was getting off the boat , I met a woman named Nora . Nora comes to the docks each day to offer rides to the grocery store to cruisers . Nora saw the note , and said , " So , you know Earl huh ? " My goodness , the social net strengthens yet again . Another couple came in on a trawler today . They said they remember meeting us at the public dock in Vergennes Vermont . More social net . We had a great buffet dinner at the Coral Restaurant . They had chicken livers on the buffet . Wow ! I haven 't had chicken livers since Maurice 's Restaurant in downtown Schenectady closed down . I went to the new Maurice 's Restaurant and asked for chicken livers . They said , " We don 't have them any more ; all the customers who used to eat them are dead . " Down here in the south , they don 't have such a fetish about healthy food . Good . Libby went to the laundromat , and Nora gave her a ride back . We went to the Rose Buddies party on Monday and got to meet Steve , the mayor of Elizabeth City . Steve is very upbeat on his town . That 's great . Steve told us that they are going to lay a plaque commemorating the Rose Buddies , and Joe Kramer and Fred Fearing who founded it . The plaque will be dedicated September 18 , 2008 . I 've been waiting for more than a year to get our anchor windlass repaired . The nut that releases the clutch was frozen . Elizabeth City is the only place on the East Coast I know that has a real machine shop close to the water front . I dismounted the windlass . That sucker weighs 100 pounds ! Nora drove me over to the machine shop with it . We visited the Museum of the Abemarle . Last year we visted the same place and I panned it in a blog article . It was a big beautiful building with almost nothing to display . Well , now that has been cured . They have nice exhiPosted by Elizabeth City , Mariner 's DocksN 36 17 . 915 W 76 13 . 099Well , this place is sure familiar . I guess this is the 5th time we 've stopped here at Elizabeth City in our wanderings . Once , Jennifer met us here to sail with us for a few days . On another occasion , our friends the Undrills sailed with us for a week and the trip terminated here . The main man of the famous Rose Buddies who welcome cruisers and hosted daily parties , Mr . Fred Fearing , passed away last fall 2 days after we were here last . However , the Rose Buddies tradition lives on , albeit only Monday through Friday . When we pulled in , we found that the boat right next to us , Ming , is a power cruiser and the home of Neal . Neal remembers us and remembers Don and Margaret on Heron from Vero Beach last December . The boat on the other side of us is a couple we met at West End , Bahamas . The social net continues to get stronger . I just got an email from my long time buddy , Walt . Walt lives in Raleigh . We like to visit when we pass through NC , but unfortunately , it won 't work this time . There 's a machine shop here . Tomorrow I 'm going to find out if they can free up the frozen clutch on our anchor windlass . I took this video during our recent offshore passage from Florida to the Carolinas . The point of the video is to see what happens to our Windex . For the benefit of land lubbers , a Windex is a very sensitive wind vane that sits at the top of the mast . The arrow points to where the wind is coming from . In today 's world , a Windex is perhaps the most ubiquitous bit of sailing gear after sails , a mast , hull and rudder . In this video , the Windex is seen to spin around and around . Imagine what our sails would do in those conditions . They flog back and forth . If the main sail is up , the boom flogs from side to side . It is very tiresome and it is hard on the equipment . It wears boat things out , and it wears out the crew too . In reality , what is happening is that as the boat rocks in the waves , the top of the mast is waved back and forth . The waving motion is faster than the wind speed , so the Windex arrow flops like a flag on the end of a waving stick . For Tarwathie , we usually need more than 10 knots of relative wind speed to overcome the rocking action . Abemarle SoundN 36 10 . 87 W 076 01 . 98This morning we almost stayed for another day in Manteo . For one thing the weather called for 25 knot head winds this morning , when we would be foreced to motor out in the narrow channels and passages , and then nearly zero wind after that . I hate doing that against strong winds . Another thing was that today is the day for the Blessing of the Fleet ceremony . That was to be held at 1100 exactly at the place where we were tied up at the public dock . That sounded somewhat interesting from a local color point of view . But leave we did , and boy are we glad . By 1030 we were out of the shallows and had entered Abemarle sound . Guess what , the weather report was wrong . We were able to set all sails and proceed close hauled ( pointing as close as possible in to the wind ) right across the dreaded Abemarle Sound . We looked ahead and we could see the blimp hanger on the Posquotank River . What a great landmark . We could see it from 17 miles away . It can not be mistaken for anything else , nor can anything else be mistaken for a blimp hanger . Then the wind picked up but didn 't change direction . Perfect ! Soon we were doing 6 . 5 knots with main , jib and stay sails . What 's more , we were pointing exactly where we wanted to go . Tarwathie was extremely happy with those conditions as so was her crew . That makes today the nicest sailing day we 've had since the Bahamas . As far as sailing to windward , it is possibly the best day ever . 29 nautical miles ( 33 miles , 54 km ) , all on port tack and all with almost no adjustments to sails or tiller . Wonderful . Our first year on Tarwathie , I was very unhappy with her windward performance . I considered hiring an instructor to teach me how to sail her better . By the end of our second year , we learned more about heavy displacement boats . Now , in our third year , we have a new jib . She sails fine to windward . Just fine . Tonight , we 'll be in Elizabeth City . We 'll stay there until Monday or Tuesday . Near Roanoke IslandN 35 52 . 63 W 075 37 . 43The passage from Ocracoke to Manteo is about 60 miles long . The first 40 miles traverse open water on Pamlico Sound . We did this part in a very fast passage . The wind was behind us , about 15 knots . We flew only the spinnaker and it worked great . Speed was greater than 6 knots almost all the time . We didn 't see any other vessels the whole time . The last 20 miles of the passage involve moving through narrow dredged channels with shallow water all around us . It is , not unlike the ICW in Florida . As we entered the channels , we dropped the spinnaker . Soon , the wind died , then it started blowing again softly from the north . No problem . We 'll just motor on ahead . I almost ran us aground where the channel markers shifted from green - right red - left , to red - right green - left . I did it despite the fact that I knew we were approaching such a switch . I got confused because there were a lot of markers that weren 't on my chart at all . While I was contemplating that , I went on the wrong side of a green . Fortunately , the depth sounder alarm alerted me and I turned back in to the channel . The Coast Guard is calling PAN PAN EMERGENCY on the radio looking for a 25 foot motor boat with 3 people on board . They say that the people have an electronic failure and that they are lost . They think that they are 25 miles out to sea , either off Ocracoke , of off Hatteras . Tsk tsk , shame on them . I like to think that if we lost all GPS , we would know better where we are . Perhaps some day Libby will pull a surprise drill on me , pulling the plug on all electronics . Our intention is to tie up at the public dock in Manteo . We 'll stay there Friday , and weather permitting , we 'll depart on Saturday for Elizabeth City . It 's fun seeing parts of the coast that we never saw before moving up and down the ICW . Our fear of getting blocked by shoal waters was allied by assurances from friends here in North Carolina . There 's nothing like local knowledge to build confidence . We talked about using the alternate ICW route to NorfPosted by Silver Lake , Ocracoke IslandN 35 06 . 926 W 075 59 . 168They call them RORO ferries . That is ferries that are designed for vehicles to roll - on roll - off . When I bought tickets for Libby and I to ride as passengers , the lady said , " WOWO . Walk - on Walk - off . " So that 's what I call our WOWO cruise . It was fun . We had a sunny , warm day , with blue sky and no wind . The ferry ride took 2 . 5 hours . After posting blogs at the coffee shop this morning , we left on the ferry about 10 : 30 . I met some motorcyclists from Glenns Falls , NY on the way . They and others were heading for the big bike meet in Myrtle Beach . More than 200 , 000 bikers are expected for that . Wow . At the Cedar Island end , we had a 90 minute layover . We ate lunch in a picnic pavilion , then we walked on the nearby beach . There we saw a very strange sight . It was a bird in the water , about 100 feet out from the beach . The bird appeared to be half submerged , and trying to swim with its wings . But it was almost stationary . At first we thought it was a pelican , perhaps fouled in a fishing net . I took a video of it with the camera . Then , it suddenly lifted up and flew away . It looked likean eagle . As it took off , it shivered in mid air to shake off water like a wet dog does . It was actually an osprey . Now we understand what it was doing . It was clamming . It was digging in the under water mud with its claws while standing in water less than 6 inches deep . It was digging for clams . Very cool . On the ride back we encountered a group of 15 bicyclists who were on a tour conducted by Sojourners , a Vermont company . They were on a week long bike tour . That was cool . We met the 2nd officer of the ferry boat . She admitted to having a dream job , and getting paid to do it . This lady had a knack for finding dream jobs . Before the ferry job , she worked as caretaker at a cabin on one of the outer banks barrier islands . That too sounded like a dream job . Upon return , I had to do a diving tour . Inspection of the propeller zinc this morning showed it to be missing . Damn . The last time I checked Posted by Top left : We saw this mother ducking togther with 3 mallards ( male ) and 37 duckings . Wow ! She deserves the Mother 's Day tribute . Good thing she can 't read . The sign says , " Danger Bombing Range " Top right : Goslings find a nice sheltered and warm place out of the wind under mother 's wing . Bottom left : Not too bright . As soon as the rain passed , these mallards started swimming in the puddles at the side of the road . Bottom right : Ruffled . This mother duck is trying to cross the road with her tail pointing at the 40 knot wind . Her feathers sure don 't like that . Ocracoke Coffe Company and Java BooksNo LLYesterday morning I wrote that the gale was less than forecast . Well , after lunch it picked up to more than forecast . I clocked the winds up to 49 knots ( 56 mph , 25 meters / second ) . That 's plenty of wind . There were only 4 boats anchored out in the harbor . We could see two of them trying to reset their anchors . It made me very glad that we were at the dock rather than at anchor . Fortunately , I had placed us on the dock so that the wind blew us away from the dock rather than on the dock . One of our three big fenders exploded while tied up to the wall at Blackbead sailing club . I 'm going to have to switch brands of fenders . That is the second time we had a fender explode on us . On of the brands has a lifetime guarantee . I 'll buy that one . Tied up next to us was the local para sail boat . There was no para sailing yesterday . One could imagine the would be para sailor being lifted to orbit in that wind . After lunch , the ferries also stopped operating for the day . It must be really bad for that to happen . You can see Tarwathie and the para sail boat and the stranded ferry all in this picture . During the blow , I could see our 5 / 8 inch dock line all stretching like crazy . I hurried to put on chaffing gear to prevent damage where they feed through the hawse holes . Then the chaffing gear kept creeping up the rope until it didn 't protect any more . I sifted through my knowledge of sailing lore from books I read , and recalled a way to secure the chaffing gear with twine so that it didn 't creep . It worked . Actually I shouldn 't whine about 49 knots at all . Our friends who go to Georgetown , Exumas , Bahamas all report that 50 knot blows pass through Georgetown almost once per week in the winter . They have lots of experience of sitting out at anchor in exposed places with 50 knot winds . Must be that we 're just too soft . This morning , the winds are down to 20 knots again . Probably tomorrow we 'll leave for Manteo . Ocracoke Coffe Company and Java BooksNo LLWe are beginning to see why Les and our other friends speak so highly of Ocracoke . It really is a lovely place . The village in Silver Lake is clearly built up around the tourist industry . Most of the houses around are motels , or inns , or B & Bs , or rentals . There are gift shops , art galleries , coffee shops , fishing charters , bike rentals , and restaurants all around . There is a small grocery store , but only the kind one goes to to fill in forgotten items . In fact , the description of Silver Lake and Ocracoke is very similar to my description of Hope Town and Elbow Cay in the Abacos , Bahama . Naturally , . the personalities of those two places differ greatly , but the similatiries are also strong . This looks like a great vacation destination . Yesterday , we walked the nature trail to Springer Point . It was great , but then it started to rain heavily . By the time we got back to the boat , we were soaked . Today however , it is sunny and warm , although very windy . The storm is proving to be less severe than forecast . ( Ha , since when has the weather bureau every been wrong before . ) Instead of 30 gusting to 35 it is blowing 20 gusts to 28 . There 's a very large difference . Libby is back on the boat baking rasin nut bread for me . Yummy . I 'm thinking that this afternoon or tomorrow we might take a round trip on one of the ferries just for fun . The price per pedestrian for a 2 . 5 hour ride is only $ 1 . That 's a bargain that can hardly be beat . It reminds me of the poor man 's cruise on the Port Kent ferry from Burlington , Vermont . Sunsets in Vermont can be very spectacular with the Adirondack Mountains to the west . For only $ 2 , one can ride the ferry from Burlington , VT to Port Kent , NY . Take a lawn chair with you and a cooler with drinks , sit on the forward end of the ferry deck , and you have an outstanding milieu to enjoy the sunset . Then , it only costs another $ 2 to ride home again after dark . Ocracoke IslandN 35 06 . 928 W 079 59 . 168Yesterday , Neptune decided to test our mettle as seamen . After a 10 hours sail from New Bern , across Pamlico sound in light winds , Libby and I were thoroughly relaxed . We loved watching the dolphins , and the sea birds diving for fish . We also enjoyed watching the big ferry boats going back and forth . The winds had been predicted to shift to the NW 15 - 20 in the afternoon , but we still had NE at 8 - 10 . We had only one obstacle to go . We had to navigate in to the harbor via Big Foot Slough Channel . We had been warned that this 4 mile long channel was tricky and confusing , and that parts were shoaled in so that grounding was a real possibility if one made the slightest error . No problem . We had a 2 page written instruction on navigating Big Foot Slough channel in Claiborne Young 's Cruising Guide . Off to the west , I could see a front approaching but it seemed to be moving slowly , so I stopped paying attention . Well , wouldn 't you know it , but just 1 / 4 mile from the channel entrance , the winds shifted and freshened drastically . Luckily , we had taken the sails down minutes before . By the time we moved the remaining 1 / 4 mile to enter the entrance channel , the wind increased to 33 knots . It was a gale , and we had no gale warning from the weather bureau . I think a fast moving front overtookthe slow moving front just as it passed over us , thus sneaking up without warning . Well you should have seen the sight of Libby and I trying to navigate that channel . Libby sat in the cockpit with me reading the written instructions from the cruising guide . She had to hold the book with both hands to keep it from blowing away and hold a cushion over it to keep it from getting soaked by the salt spray . Then she had to shout the instructions in my ear . The wind was so loud that I couldn 't hear her otherwise . Mr Young 's instructions I 'm afraid were so wordy and verbose , thatshe had to repeat each two or three times . Then I spotted a ferry coming out . Uh Oh . I worried about going off the side of the channel Posted by SomeplaceNo LLI neglected to tell the story about Milton & Jimmie who we met in Oriental a little while ago . As I said before , the public dock in Oriental is a great place to meet people . Many of them come around and open a conversation with the line , " Nice Westsail . " Well , last night an older couple came up and they said , " Nice Westsail . " We introduced ourselves . They are Milton & Jimmie . It turns out that they know Westsails very well because they owned one for 26 years . We invited them to come aboard and go below so that they could see Tarwathie . It 's always fun to see other Westsails , because they 're all so similar but no two are alike . Well it was an emotional scene , especially for Jimmie . I thought she was going to cry . Three years ago , they sold her and bought a trawler . Trawlers are more suitable for seniors who aren 't up to the strain of sailing any more . The truth is however that they dearly missed their Westsail , and seeing Tarwathie brought back a flood of those memories . You see Milton & Jimmie dearly loved their Westsail . Now , Milton & Jimmie are doing The Great Loop in their Eagle 40 trawler Our Way . Keep your eye out for them as they go by . - - p . s . I 'm testing a new feature on Blogger that lets me write posts in advance , and submit them for posting in the future . That makes certain things easier for me , but it might subtract from the contemporary flavor of my posts . I 'll set all advance posts with the location byline saying " somewhere " and set the post time to at 01 : 01 AM , so you can tell . If you think these advance posts superior or inferior than others please let me know . Pamlico Sound35 14 N 075 45 WThis is the first time we 've ever sailed out in Pamlico Sound . It 's like an enormous lagoon here , comparable in size to the Bahamian Grand Bank . We 're en route to Ocracoke Island . That 's yet another paradise location . It is reachable only by water . No cell phones , no ships . It is said to have a quaint little village populated by artists . I 'll write more after we look around . Yesterday , at Blackbeard Sailing Club , some of the members started showing up for the weekend . We had lunch with Ed on Tarwathie . Ed told us about the grandson he is so proud of . Ed 's grandson is a professional crew on Americas Cup yachts . Wow ! That 's about as high as you can get in sailing heirarchy . We also got to meet Les and Suzzane from Last Dance , our hosts . We also met Charlie and Terry . Dave and Leigh were there also tending to their Gulfstar 44 that they just bought . So what did we do ? We did what boaters always do when hanging around the docks , we sat around with a few drinks , and we swapped stories . We also got in to a little mischief , which is completely typical of dockside behavior . The mischief involved a bike that Charlie had borrowed . He rode it out on the dock and parked it next to Tarwathie , as we sat in the cockpit and told stories . Wouldn 't you know it , a gust of wind came along , it toppled the bike and splash down it fell into the water . Time for a Chinese fire drill , one would think . I rummaged around to find the small Danforth anchor that we use on the dinghy . I thought that we could use it as a grappling hook . Before I got it though , Terry fetched a doubleboat hook . Someone else had lashed together two 12 foot boat hooks to make a single 20 foot long hook . It worked like magic . In less than a minute , they hooked the bike and pulled it up . In two more minutes of fishing they also hooked and retrieved the bike 's basket which had fallen off . It made a good afternoon and a source for yet another story to tell on yet another day . Such stories tend to improve with each telling , so that after a numbPosted by Blackbeard Sailing Club , ( see map ) N 35 03 . 766 W 076 56 . 912There 's more than enough wind today . We are tied up on a T wall at the end of the docks , and the wind is blowing at 29 knots directly on our beam . We couldn 't leave right now even if we wanted to . Of course , we 're not ready to leave yet . We have yet to meet Les , our host . The people here at the sailing club and other friends in North Carolina continue to be very helpful . We always wanted to take a side trip to Ocracoke and Manteo but various vague warnings about shoaling scared us away . We are really chicken when it comes to venturing places where we might find our way blocked by shallow water . In such cases , local knowledge is the only cure . In this case , we 've heard from local people that yes we can go to Ocracoke and Manteo without depth problems . We 're looking forward to the side trip . We 've done the ICW in North Carolina several times . Long stretches of it are featureless and boring . Ocracoke sounds anything but boring . Yesterday , we assisted two very big yachts come in to their slips in heavy wind conditions . Even for experienced sailors , accomplishing that simple task is a real gut clincher . It is like landing an airplane in a forest . In these two cases , the dockings were successful with only minor mishaps , but disaster seemed only a hair 's breadth away all the time . Last November , I went to a lecture by Captain Jack Klang about docking techniques . I recommend it to everybody . There 's a DVD that he sells . Captain Jack 's docking techniques are excellent . Hardly anybody I 've seen uses them . They would have worked very well in both cases I saw at Blackbeard . North CarolinaNo LLI love telling stories . Perhaps you noticed . Anyhow , yesterday a man named Jim chatted with me in The Bean about the Borscht Belt . For those of you who don 't know what that means , here is a definition . In the Catskill Mountains of NY , about 50 miles from Manhattan , there were several big and famous resort hotels , including Grossinger 's , The Concord , and The Nevele . They catered to New York Jewish customers . Read more about it here . Once , I was hired to teach a 3 day course at the Concord Hotel , so for the first and only time , I went to the Borscht Belt . What I learned there was amazing . The first thing I noticed was that my hotel room had a walk in closet bigger than my living room at home . Then , I went down to eat breakfast in the dining room . I was there in off season so there were not many guests . I was seated alone at a table for 8 . There was a mountain of food on the table for me to eat . I ate about 3 times what I normally do . Then the waiter came around and started shoveling more food on my plate . He was pressuring me . " You can do it . Come on eat more . " I was a bit shocked . Later , I realized the real truth about this place . It must have been that the Jews from Manhattan had their own unique idea about how to go out in style . When they got very old , they would move permanently in to one of the Borscht Belt hotels . That 's why their closets were so big . Then they would eat and drink and entertain themselves to death . Even the Wikepedia article about the Borscht Belt doesn 't mention that . I think that I discovered a hidden truth that people don 't talk about . Today , all the famous Borscht Belt hotels are gone . Wikipedia blames it on changes in demographics and travel patterns . With them went a singularly unique piece of Americana . Blackbeard Sailing Club , ( see map ) N 35 03 . 766 W 076 56 . 912We were just about to leave the public dock at Oriental yesterday when one last email arrive in my in box . It was from Les . Les is a fan of this blog and he wanted to meet us . Les very kindly invited us to come here to Blackbeard Sailing Club and to stay free for a few days . What a great offer ! We accepted . Blackbeard is located on Broad Creek off the Neuse River between Oriental and New Bern . It was an easy sail to get up here . The sailing club is large . I guess there must be room for 130 sailing vessels here . I don 't see any power boats . The sailing club is also full of cruisers with interesting stories to tell . I hope we can add a few of our own . People keep stopping by to ask if we need anything or if we need a ride anywhere . North Carolina hospitality is really tops . Today , Libby and I took advantage of being tied up to a dock the first time in a year or so to do some projects . We moved the dinghy on to the dock , and we used fiberglass and resin to repair and reinforce structural parts of the dinghy that have been showing cracks . That chore needed to be done someplace where we could get the dinghy off Tarwathie 's deck , and not put in in the water and a place where we didn 't need the dinghy immediately to get back on board . I also carried ashore the Danforth anchor that we fished out of the river in Beaufort , SC . There I painted it with a coat of so - called " instant galvanizing " from a spray can . I don 't have much confidence that this coating will last long with the anchor in use . On the other hand , I don 't have anything to lose by trying . After the coating dried , I attached it to the rode in place of our other Danforth anchor . We 'll see how long it lasts rust free . Later today or tomorrow , I want to go up the mast . I have a new anchor light to install , and a steaming light bulb to replace , and I need to lubricate the sail track . Thanks to Blackbeard 's hospitality , we can get these chores done . Yesterday we met Dave and Lee . Dave works as a yacht broker in OrPosted by Oriental , NCN 35 01 . 491 W 076 41 . 70There 's a reason that we like Oriental so much ; life is good here . On Sunday , I walked to a nearby park where I could have a view out over the Neuse River . It was a lovely day , sunny with a nice 15 knot breeze . One could not have asked for a better day to sail . Oriental is said to be the sailing capital of NC , with 3 sailboats per person . Inexplicably , on this day there were 2 , 000 sailboats to my left tied up at the dock and only 3 out on the river sailling . At the public dock , there is a constant stream of sailors and ex sailors who like to hang around docks and talk about cruising . Many of them recognize the W32 immediately and are anxious to question us about the cruising life . It 's good for one 's ego . In the afternoon , our great friends Penny and Richard sailed in to Oriental on Viking Rose . We last saw them in Marathon , and it was they who prompted us to get off our butts and sail to the Bahamas . It was great to see them again . Last night we had dinner at the Steamer , a local restaurant . That 's a rare treat for Libby and I . Generally we have dinner in restaurants only once or twice per year . Last night , we wound up in the middle of a Rotary Club meeting , so the entertainment was listening to 100 elderly men singing The Old Folks At Home . This morning , we were invited to have breakfast with Viking Rose , but we got up too late . Instead , I went to The Bean , a coffee shop only 50 feet away from the dock . There , I met a delightful guy named Jim . Jim was a sailor from Puget Sound , and he once had workd on a merchant ship that sailed up the Hudson . We talked about the beauty of the Hudson Valley . He also mentioned that he worked in the Borsch Belt in the Catskills . That reminded me of my own story . I 'll put that in tomorrow 's post . Oriental , NCN 35 01 . 491 W 076 41 . 70We don 't have a TV on board , nor do we miss it . We get to watch a DVD on the computer once in a while , but otherwise no TV is a big part of the life style change when cruising . On the other hand , we have lots of radios for several purposes . Here are the ones we use on Tarwathie in random order . VHF fixed radio . The VHF is used for short distance communications , boat to boat or boat to shore . It also receives NOAA weather radio reports . At the 25 watt high power setting , it works for up to 25 miles away . We can hear Coast Guard calls from more than 200 miles away . VHF hand - held radio . This is a small version of the fixed VHF . We use it in the cockpit to talk to nearby boats and to draw bridges . It 's maximum transmit range is less than 5 miles . We have to recharge it after 10 hours of use . It also gets NOAA weather . GMRS / FRS walkie talkies . Libby and I use these to talk to each other up to 2 miles away . They are small and light and use AA batteries . Actually , now that Libby has her own cell phone , we probably don 't need these radios any more . They also get NOAA weather . The SSB radio . We have and ICOM 710 single sideband radio for long distance communications . With this radio we communicate with people hundreds of miles away . I think the furtherst is about 1 , 000 miles . Our main use of the SSB however is for email . We have a Pactor modem that connects the SSB to the laptop computer . We use the setup with the service called Winlink that is run by HAM radio amateurs all over the world . We send and receive text email ; about 4 K bytes of mail per day . I use the SSB to post blogs whenever we do not have WIFI . I also use it to receive weather reports by email . That email weather service is great . I can request reports for any place on Earth , and I can subscribe to a report to be sent automatically every day . We have a pocket size AM / FM clock radio that we use as an alarm clock . Yes , even us salty types find that it is much more pleasant to be woken by a radio program than by a buzzer . No , wePosted by Oriental , NCN 35 01 . 491 W 076 41 . 70We 're back at one of our favorite places , the public docks at Oriental . You may be able to see us on the web cam . We are the rightmost of two sailboats . Above : Flowers in St . Mary 's GA Above : A warning sign in Beaufort , SC . It seems inappropriate to warn the cars , but not the boats . Above : After three years , Dick finally figured out the most comfortable way to do the ICW . He rigged a sling to suspend a folding chair in the air in the stern above the tiller . From this perch he has a good view over the dodger to see where we 're going and he can rest his feet on the tiller while steering . The only thing missing now is a rear view mirror . Oh life is good . Above , you see the source of our great amusement yesterday when entering Beaufort Inlet . It looks like a warship but it isn 't . According to the Coast Guard special broadcast , she is the tug McCormack and she is aground . Libby thought it was very uplifting to see that even big vessels , and warship - like vessels can run aground too . According to my charts , there is no place near by that site with less than 51 feet of water at low tide . So how did she go aground ? My theory is that the tug is not aground , but her cargo is . If you peer closely at the picture , you can see something behind her just barely protruding above the water . It could be a part of an oil platform that she was towing to see that ran aground . A worse possibility is that it is the bow of a barge that sunk while being towed . That would be a big mess to straighten out . p . s . Last night , as we anchored in Adams Creek , across the river from Oriental , Libby looked back in the ships log . She said , " We anchored in this same place exactly one year ago to the day . Oh my . We are in a rut . Such a nice rut to be in . Oriental , NC Public DockN 35 01 . 491 W 076 41 . 70Below are a few pictures from the Submarine Museum in St . Mary 's Georgia . Above : Amazing . We have a clock identical to this one on board Tarwathie . It comes from a Russian nuclear submarine . Our clock is the one memento we have left from my father 's gigantic collection of clocks . It hangs in our V - berth . This telegram is probably one of the most tragic and frightening icons of the 20th century . Take the time to read it if you can . In today 's world , soldiers still die but there are no telegrams . What do they do , send an email or a text message ? That 's too aweful to imagine . Posted by At SeaN 34 32 W 076 48Blogging is an interesting media . Sometimes it acts like a diary , capturing shifting opinions and feelings as they change day by day . Two days ago , I blogged about skipping Beaufort and sailing right through to the Chesapeake this weekend . Ha ! Yesterday , I blogged about " relax , we 'll get there . " About the same time I wrote that , the winds started diminishing , and so did our speed . The forecast saying that the wind would pick up at night failed . By around 0300 this morning , our speed was down to one knot . I changed my mind . I said , " Relax , hell . I 'm going to start the motor . " We 've been motoring ever since . I hate motoring at sea , but my ( our ) patience does have limits . All together , we sailed 156 miles and motored 60 miles onthis passage . Oh well , we should make it to Oriental around sunset tonight , and we 'll get a good sleep . Tomorrow , I 'll check to see if the amateur theater in Oriental ( which we love ) has any performances scheduled . At SeaN 33 46 W 077 43It 's slow going . We 've had the spinnaker up all day , but there is so little wind that we often make only 2 knots of speed . On the other hand , it 's sunny , it 's warm , and the sea is calm , so it 's very pleasant out here . We have until Sunday until the wind turns around , so we 'll make it eventually . Last night for about 5 hours the wind came up and we made very fast progress . The forecast calls for the same thing tonight . If so , then we ought to make it to Beaufort tomorrow ( Saturday ) , if not perhaps the next day . We had to motor for 4 hours to make sure that we crossed Frying Pan Shoals during daylight . If necessary , I 'll use the motor again to make sure we don 't arrive in Beaufort in the dark . So , my watchword for today is sit back and relax . There 's no hurry . At SeaN 32 42 W 079 41We had a wonderful evening on Steamboat Creek last night . What a beatiful spot that is . We anchored near the shore , and we were treated to the sight of a family of bob whites sunning themselves in the grass . A bob white is a bird that mostly walks around on the ground . I 'm not sure if they ever fly , but they mostly don 't fly . Above us and the bob whites sat a big bald eagle . It was unclear whether the eagle was daydreaming of bob whites or of fish for dinner . For us though , we boiled thosefresh shrimp that we bought at B & B Seafood . They were delicious . WE had no trouble exiting via the North Edisto River . There was a cluster of vacation homes right at the exact mouth of the river , but otherwise , the river banks and beaches were mostly wild and very pretty . The winds have been very light . We only moved 25 miles north all day long since exiting the river . Hopefully , tonight or tomorrow the wind will freshen . Actually , this SE wind weather window will last for four days . We could bypass North Carolina entirely and head around Cape Hatteras to the Chesapeake . Hmmmm ; we 'll ponder that for a while . It seems that we can 't go anywhere now without meeting acquaintances . As we passed the Charleston channel this afternoon , I recognized the sailboat next to us as Mon Ami . A call on the radio confirmed it . Mon Ami must be a lot faster than Tarwathie because they left Beaufort 12 hours ago , whereas we left 36 hours ago . Anyhow , it is a fortunate coincidence . Mon Ami is also heading for Beaufort ( the NC one ) .
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Mr . Barkis the carrier was to call for me in the morning at nine o ' clock . I got up at eight , a little giddy from the shortness of my night 's rest , and was ready for him before the appointed time . He received me exactly as if not five minutes had elapsed since we were last together , and I had only been into the hotel to get change for sixpence , or something of that sort . ' No - no , ' growled Mr . Barkis , reflecting about it . ' I ain 't got no call to go and tell her so . I never said six words to her myself , I ain 't a - goin ' to tell her so . ' ' Would you like me to do it , Mr . Barkis ? ' said I , doubtfully . ' You might tell her , if you would , ' said Mr . Barkis , with another slow look at me , ' that Barkis was a - waitin ' for a answer . Says you - what name is it ? ' ' Well ! ' he resumed at length . ' Says you , " Peggotty ! Barkis is waitin ' for a answer . " Says she , perhaps , " Answer to what ? " Says you , " To what I told you . " " What is that ? " says she . " Barkis is willin ' , " says you . ' Ah , what a strange feeling it was to be going home when it was not home , and to find that every object I looked at , reminded me of the happy old home , which was like a dream I could never dream again ! The days when my mother and I and Peggotty were all in all to one another , and there was no one to come between us , rose up before me so sorrowfully on the road , that I am not sure I was glad to be there - not sure but that I would rather have remained away , and forgotten it in Steerforth 's company . But there I was ; and soon I was at our house , where the bare old elm - trees wrung their many hands in the bleak wintry air , and shreds of the old rooks ' - nests drifted away upon the wind . The carrier put my box down at the garden - gate , and left me . I walked along the path towards the house , glancing at the windows , and fearing at every step to see Mr . Murdstone or Miss Murdstone lowering out of one of them . No face appeared , however ; and being come to the house , and knowing how to open the door , before dark , without knocking , I went in with a quiet , timid step . God knows how infantine the memory may have been , that was awakened within me by the sound of my mother 's voice in the old parlour , when I set foot in the hall . She was singing in a low tone . I think I must have lain in her arms , and heard her singing so to me when I was but a baby . The strain was new to me , and yet it was so old that it filled my heart brim - full ; like a friend come back from a long absence . I believed , from the solitary and thoughtful way in which my mother murmured her song , that she was alone . And I went softly into the room . She was sitting by the fire , suckling an infant , whose tiny hand she held against her neck . Her eyes were looking down upon its face , and she sat singing to it . I was so far right , that she had no other companion . I wish I had died . I wish I had died then , with that feeling in my heart ! I should have been more fit for Heaven than I ever have been since . ' He is your brother , ' said my mother , fondling me . ' Davy , my pretty boy ! My poor child ! ' Then she kissed me more and more , and clasped me round the neck . This she was doing when Peggotty came running in , and bounced down on the ground beside us , and went mad about us both for a quarter of an hour . It seemed that I had not been expected so soon , the carrier being much before his usual time . It seemed , too , that Mr . and Miss Murdstone had gone out upon a visit in the neighbourhood , and would not return before night . I had never hoped for this . I had never thought it possible that we three could be together undisturbed , once more ; and I felt , for the time , as if the old days were come back . We dined together by the fireside . Peggotty was in attendance to wait upon us , but my mother wouldn 't let her do it , and made her dine with us . I had my own old plate , with a brown view of a man - of - war in full sail upon it , which Peggotty had hoarded somewhere all the time I had been away , and would not have had broken , she said , for a hundred pounds . I had my own old mug with David on it , and my own old little knife and fork that wouldn 't cut . ' Oh ! I don 't know , ' said Peggotty . ' Don 't ask me . I wouldn 't have him if he was made of gold . Nor I wouldn 't have anybody . ' ' Tell him so , ' retorted Peggotty , looking out of her apron . ' He has never said a word to me about it . He knows better . If he was to make so bold as say a word to me , I should slap his face . ' I remarked that my mother , though she smiled when Peggotty looked at her , became more serious and thoughtful . I had seen at first that she was changed . Her face was very pretty still , but it looked careworn , and too delicate ; and her hand was so thin and white that it seemed to me to be almost transparent . But the change to which I now refer was superadded to this : it was in her manner , which became anxious and fluttered . At last she said , putting out her hand , and laying it affectionately on the hand of her old servant , ' Me leave you , my precious ! ' cried Peggotty . ' Not for all the world and his wife . Why , what 's put that in your silly little head ? ' - For Peggotty had been used of old to talk to my mother sometimes like a child . ' Me leave you ? I think I see myself . Peggotty go away from you ? I should like to catch her at it ! No , no , no , ' said Peggotty , shaking her head , and folding her arms ; ' not she , my dear . It isn 't that there ain 't some Cats that would be well enough pleased if she did , but they sha ' n 't be pleased . They shall be aggravated . I 'll stay with you till I am a cross cranky old woman . And when I 'm too deaf , and too lame , and too blind , and too mumbly for want of teeth , to be of any use at all , even to be found fault with , than I shall go to my Davy , and ask him to take me in . ' ' Bless your dear heart ! ' cried Peggotty . ' I know you will ! ' And she kissed me beforehand , in grateful acknowledgement of my hospitality . After that , she covered her head up with her apron again and had another laugh about Mr . Barkis . After that , she took the baby out of its little cradle , and nursed it . After that , she cleared the dinner table ; after that , came in with another cap on , and her work - box , and the yard - measure , and the bit of wax - candle , all just the same as ever . We sat round the fire , and talked delightfully . I told them what a hard master Mr . Creakle was , and they pitied me very much . I told them what a fine fellow Steerforth was , and what a patron of mine , and Peggotty said she would walk a score of miles to see him . I took the little baby in my arms when it was awake , and nursed it lovingly . When it was asleep again , I crept close to my mother 's side according to my old custom , broken now a long time , and sat with my arms embracing her waist , and my little red cheek on her shoulder , and once more felt her beautiful hair drooping over me - like an angel 's wing as I used to think , I recollect - and was very happy indeed . Peggotty darned away at a stocking as long as she could see , and then sat with it drawn on her left hand like a glove , and her needle in her right , ready to take another stitch whenever there was a blaze . I cannot conceive whose stockings they can have been that Peggotty was always darning , or where such an unfailing supply of stockings in want of darning can have come from . From my earliest infancy she seems to have been always employed in that class of needlework , and never by any chance in any other . ' I don 't know how it is , ' said Peggotty , ' unless it 's on account of being stupid , but my head never can pick and choose its people . They come and they go , and they don 't come and they don 't go , just as they like . I wonder what 's become of her ? ' ' Well then , don 't talk about such uncomfortable things , there 's a good soul , ' said my mother . ' Miss Betsey is shut up in her cottage by the sea , no doubt , and will remain there . At all events , she is not likely ever to trouble us again . ' ' As if this poor little innocent in its cradle had ever done any harm to you or anybody else , you jealous thing ! ' said she . ' You had much better go and marry Mr . Barkis , the carrier . Why don 't you ? ' ' What a bad disposition you have , Peggotty ! ' returned my mother . ' You are as jealous of Miss Murdstone as it is possible for a ridiculous creature to be . You want to keep the keys yourself , and give out all the things , I suppose ? I shouldn 't be surprised if you did . When you know that she only does it out of kindness and the best intentions ! You know she does , Peggotty - you know it well . ' ' I know what you mean , you cross thing , ' said my mother . ' I understand you , Peggotty , perfectly . You know I do , and I wonder you don 't colour up like fire . But one point at a time . Miss Murdstone is the point now , Peggotty , and you sha ' n 't escape from it . Haven 't you heard her say , over and over again , that she thinks I am too thoughtless and too - a - a - ' ' You do , Peggotty , ' returned my mother . ' You never do anything else , except your work . You are always insinuating . You revel in it . And when you talk of Mr . Murdstone 's good intentions - ' ' No , Peggotty , ' returned my mother , ' but you insinuated . That 's what I told you just now . That 's the worst of you . You WILL insinuate . I said , at the moment , that I understood you , and you see I did . When you talk of Mr . Murdstone 's good intentions , and pretend to slight them ( for I don 't believe you really do , in your heart , Peggotty ) , you must be as well convinced as I am how good they are , and how they actuate him in everything . If he seems to have been at all stern with a certain person , Peggotty - you understand , and so I am sure does Davy , that I am not alluding to anybody present - it is solely because he is satisfied that it is for a certain person 's benefit . He naturally loves a certain person , on my account ; and acts solely for a certain person 's good . He is better able to judge of it than I am ; for I very well know that I am a weak , light , girlish creature , and that he is a firm , grave , serious man . And he takes , ' said my mother , with the tears which were engendered in her affectionate nature , stealing down her face , ' he takes great pains with me ; and I ought to be very thankful to him , and very submissive to him even in my thoughts ; and when I am not , Peggotty , I worry and condemn myself , and feel doubtful of my own heart , and don 't know what to do . ' ' There , Peggotty , ' said my mother , changing her tone , ' don 't let us fall out with one another , for I couldn 't bear it . You are my true friend , I know , if I have any in the world . When I call you a ridiculous creature , or a vexatious thing , or anything of that sort , Peggotty , I only mean that you are my true friend , and always have been , ever since the night when Mr . Copperfield first brought me home here , and you came out to the gate to meet me . ' Peggotty was not slow to respond , and ratify the treaty of friendship by giving me one of her best hugs . I think I had some glimpses of the real character of this conversation at the time ; but I am sure , now , that the good creature originated it , and took her part in it , merely that my mother might comfort herself with the little contradictory summary in which she had indulged . The design was efficacious ; for I remember that my mother seemed more at ease during the rest of the evening , and that Peggotty observed her less . It was almost ten o ' clock before we heard the sound of wheels . We all got up then ; and my mother said hurriedly that , as it was so late , and Mr . and Miss Murdstone approved of early hours for young people , perhaps I had better go to bed . I kissed her , and went upstairs with my candle directly , before they came in . It appeared to my childish fancy , as I ascended to the bedroom where I had been imprisoned , that they brought a cold blast of air into the house which blew away the old familiar feeling like a feather . He was standing before the fire with his back to it , while Miss Murdstone made the tea . He looked at me steadily as I entered , but made no sign of recognition whatever . I went up to him , after a moment of confusion , and said : ' I beg your pardon , sir . I am very sorry for what I did , and I hope you will forgive me . ' It was on this very first day that I had the misfortune to throw her , though she was not subject to such weakness in general , into a state of violent consternation . I came into the room where she and my mother were sitting ; and the baby ( who was only a few weeks old ) being on my mother 's lap , I took it very carefully in my arms . Suddenly Miss Murdstone gave such a scream that I all but dropped it . She was limp with horror ; but stiffened herself to make a dart at me , and take it out of my arms . Then , she turned faint ; and was so very ill that they were obliged to give her cherry brandy . I was solemnly interdicted by her , on her recovery , from touching my brother any more on any pretence whatever ; and my poor mother , who , I could see , wished otherwise , meekly confirmed the interdict , by saying : ' No doubt you are right , my dear Jane . ' ' I declare , ' said my mother , gently , ' they are exactly alike . I suppose they are mine . I think they are the colour of mine . But they are wonderfully alike . ' ' A positive fool , ' said Miss Murdstone . ' Who else could compare my brother 's baby with your boy ? They are not at all alike . They are exactly unlike . They are utterly dissimilar in all respects . I hope they will ever remain so . I will not sit here , and hear such comparisons made . ' With that she stalked out , and made the door bang after her . I felt that I made them as uncomfortable as they made me . If I came into the room where they were , and they were talking together and my mother seemed cheerful , an anxious cloud would steal over her face from the moment of my entrance . If Mr . Murdstone were in his best humour , I checked him . If Miss Murdstone were in her worst , I intensified it . I had perception enough to know that my mother was the victim always ; that she was afraid to speak to me or to be kind to me , lest she should give them some offence by her manner of doing so , and receive a lecture afterwards ; that she was not only ceaselessly afraid of her own offending , but of my offending , and uneasily watched their looks if I only moved . Therefore I resolved to keep myself as much out of their way as I could ; and many a wintry hour did I hear the church clock strike , when I was sitting in my cheerless bedroom , wrapped in my little great - coat , poring over a book . In the evening , sometimes , I went and sat with Peggotty in the kitchen . There I was comfortable , and not afraid of being myself . But neither of these resources was approved of in the parlour . The tormenting humour which was dominant there stopped them both . I was still held to be necessary to my poor mother 's training , and , as one of her trials , could not be suffered to absent myself . ' We 'll say I don 't understand the boy , Clara , ' returned Miss Murdstone , arranging the little fetters on her wrists . ' We 'll agree , if you please , that I don 't understand him at all . He is much too deep for me . But perhaps my brother 's penetration may enable him to have some insight into his character . And I believe my brother was speaking on the subject when we - not very decently - interrupted him . ' ' Edward , ' replied my mother , timidly , ' you are a far better judge of all questions than I pretend to be . Both you and Jane are . I only said - ' ' I was sorry , David , I remarked , ' said Mr . Murdstone , turning his head and his eyes stiffly towards me , ' to observe that you are of a sullen disposition . This is not a character that I can suffer to develop itself beneath my eyes without an effort at improvement . You must endeavour , sir , to change it . We must endeavour to change it for you . ' ' Don 't take refuge in a lie , sir ! ' he returned so fiercely , that I saw my mother involuntarily put out her trembling hand as if to interpose between us . ' You have withdrawn yourself in your sullenness to your own room . You have kept your own room when you ought to have been here . You know now , once for all , that I require you to be here , and not there . Further , that I require you to bring obedience here . You know me , David . I will have it done . ' ' I will have a respectful , prompt , and ready bearing towards myself , ' he continued , ' and towards Jane Murdstone , and towards your mother . I will not have this room shunned as if it were infected , at the pleasure of a child . Sit down . ' ' One thing more , ' he said . ' I observe that you have an attachment to low and common company . You are not to associate with servants . The kitchen will not improve you , in the many respects in which you need improvement . Of the woman who abets you , I say nothing - since you , Clara , ' addressing my mother in a lower voice , ' from old associations and long - established fancies , have a weakness respecting her which is not yet overcome . ' I was not sorry to go . I had lapsed into a stupid state ; but I was recovering a little and looking forward to Steerforth , albeit Mr . Creakle loomed behind him . Again Mr . Barkis appeared at the gate , and again Miss Murdstone in her warning voice , said : ' Clara ! ' when my mother bent over me , to bid me farewell . I was in the carrier 's cart when I heard her calling to me . I looked out , and she stood at the garden - gate alone , holding her baby up in her arms for me to see . It was cold still weather ; and not a hair of her head , nor a fold of her dress , was stirred , as she looked intently at me , holding up her child . Our most viewed recent pages ( last 48 hours ) . Characters of Dombey and Son . What is the Circumlocution Office ? Welcome to The Circumlocution Office . Business ! Mankind was my business ; charity , mercy , forbearance , and benevolence , were , all , my business . The deals of my trade were but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean of my business ! External heat and cold had little influence on Scrooge . No warmth could warm , no wintry weather chill him . Devil 's Acre Slum . Your reclamation , then . Take heed . Newgate Prison . Education Cross Keys Cheapside . © 2017 The Circumlocution Office . All Rights Reserved . Design : KavnMedia
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The best way to nurture children 's inner lives , Sylvia Boorstein says , is by taking care of our own inner selves for their sake . At a public event in suburban Detroit , Krista Tippett draws out the warmth and wisdom of the celebrated Jewish - Buddhist teacher and psychotherapist . And , in a light - hearted moment that is an audience pleaser , Boorstein shares what GPS might teach us about " recalculating " and our own inner equanimity . DR . SYLVIA BOORSTEIN : I tell people that I could have the most profound equanimity and I am two words away from losing it completely . And then they say , " What are those two words ? " I say , " Well , you have to understand that first the phone has to ring . " Ring , ring , and you pick up the phone and a voice says , " Hello , Ma ? " And it doesn 't sound right - the complete - you get that . MS . TIPPETT : That 's Sylvia Boorstein - a celebrated Jewish - Buddhist teacher and psychotherapist . I interviewed her in 2011 at a live event co - sponsored by WDET Detroit Public Radio and Metro Parent magazine . MS . TIPPETT : You know , when Mikel and I first started talking about this and we knew that Detroit Metro Parent was involved , we were interested in this theme of raising children , which , of course , just means raising human beings . In a world that , I think , feels - I suppose the world always feels complicated in any age , but I think there 's a pace of change and uncertainty right now . It is unsettling and it 's unsettling to be a parent or a grandparent at the best of times . So we started thinking about who I might want to have with me , who I might want to speak with . And , you know , in the beginning we were thinking about experts on parenting or grandparenting , and then what I realized is I really just wanted somebody who was wise and who also had lived this experience of raising children . And my mind eventually came back around to Sylvia Boorstein , who I 'd read years ago . I didn 't tell you this . I stumbled across your book about 10 years ago , I think , when I was first having the idea for this show - her book That 's Funny , You Don 't Look Buddhist . Sylvia is one of the people who literally brought Buddhism to the West , to the United States , in the 1970s - and was Jewish , like a lot of the people who brought Buddhism to the West in the 1970s , a lot of people who still are sort of household names with Buddhism in the United States . But she 's also written over the years about how she has come back to really richly integrate that with her Jewish identity , finding again in Judaism the imagery and poetry and ancestry and continuity that nourish her , and that she 's also passed on to her children . So when I thought of Sylvia as this wise person , I started Googling to see if you ever wrote about children and parenting and grandparenting . What I found is that , in her bio description , everywhere I could find it , she lists herself this way . She has lots of credentials , but it started out , " Sylvia Boorstein is a wife , mother , grandmother , author , teacher , psychotherapist . " And I thought , " That 's it . This is our person . " DR . BOORSTEIN : Actually , I 'm happy that you discovered that . I think it 's true . I normally describe myself that way . And I find that when people say , " What are you proudest of in your whole life ? " it 's clear to me that I am most proud of the fact that my children now , really adults , all of them now , three of the four of them are in their 50s , so that 's really a substantial credential . And they 're all very , very nice people . And that is my best . That 's what I 'm proudest of . And my grandchildren are coming along , and they are very good people . I 'm so proud of that . That 's the best thing . I don 't think I 've done it - I certainly haven 't done it alone . I 've done it with their father and I 've done it with their teachers and with our community , but they are , I think , my most important work in my life . MS . TIPPETT : Mm - hmm . So , you know , one thing that I enjoyed reading in - I think it was in your book That 's Funny , You Don 't Look Buddhist , you wrote that your father 's mother - that would have been your Jewish grandmother - was your first Buddhist teacher , that she used to tell you , " Where is it written that you 're supposed to be happy all the time ? " DR . BOORSTEIN : You have to know that I grew up in a post - Depression household . Both my parents had jobs and I 'm an only child . I lived with my two parents and my grandmother , who was widowed , my father 's mother . And my parents went off to work , so my grandmother did a great deal of the mothering , and she was very , very solicitous , so that I remember her as bathing and washing and dressing me and making braids and preparing the kinds of foods that I liked . The only thing that she was pretty not moved to respond to was the coming and going of childhood bouts of " I 'm not happy . " I 'd say , " But I 'm not happy . " And she 'd say - my grandmother was not a learned woman in that sense , but it 's an ethnic thing to use that Talmudic turn of phrase - and she 'd say , " Where is it written that you 're supposed to be happy all the time ? " And I actually think it was the beginning of my spiritual practice that life is difficult . Then 40 years later , I learned that the Buddhists said the same thing , that life is inevitably challenging and how are we going to do it in a way that 's wise and doesn 't complicate it more than it is just by itself ? MS . TIPPETT : So I want to talk tonight about - about that wisdom that you 've learned and how it might apply to our lives as parents . Not just the spiritual lives of our children , but how we nourish ourselves , right , as we are present to them and as we impart what we want to impart to them . I have to say , Sylvia , that , you know , you 're sitting here and you are so - so calm and you radiate wisdom and your books radiate wisdom . So it 's somewhat comforting for me for you to also describe yourself as a lifelong worrier and just talk about how being fretful comes naturally , because you talked about that from your own childhood that your mother was ill . DR . BOORSTEIN : Mm - hmm . I had reasons to be anxious as a child . My mother did have what they called in those days a weak heart . She 'd had rheumatic fever as a child and she had , as a consequence , she lived with a chronic coronary insufficiency , and I worried about that . She actually died when I was in my very early 20s . So I 've passed more than 50 years now without a mother . I wish I 'd had one longer , but when I was a child , I worried about it a lot . But you know what I 've found , Krista ? There are people who are given to fretting without a fretful environment . I think it 's actually - it 's a genetic glitch of neurology and that it happens to some people and not for other people . Actually , the Buddha said we have one of five genetic fallback glitches when we 're challenged . He said some people fret , some people get angry , some people lose heart and all their energy goes and they don 't know what to do with themselves , some people think , " Uh - oh , it 's me . I didn 't do things right . It 's always my fault . I messed things up . " And some people need to be sensually soothed . They think , " Where 's a donut shop ? Where 's a pizza ? " People have different tendencies . It was very , very helpful for me as an adult to learn that because it 's completely comes without a judgment . I don 't have to say I am a chronic fretter . I could say , you know , when I 'm challenged , fretting arises in my mind and it 's not a moral flaw . And it 's very good for people who have a short fuse to be able to think , " You know , I have this unusual neurological glitch . " DR . BOORSTEIN : This is what happens when I 'm challenged . But to take it as - I tell it to people that my glitch is that " when in doubt , worry . " It came with the equipment . I 'm also short and I have brown eyes . If I could see that in the same neutral , it just came with the equipment , then I don 't have to feel bad about it , but I can work with it wisely . That 's really the important part , when we see as adults what it is that our fallback glitch is . You can say , " Uh - oh . " And I think , in a certain way , that 's a sign of wisdom when a person begins to be able to delineate this is what happens to me under tension . DR . BOORSTEIN : As a piece of self - knowledge that - that makes a break in between a certain next step and that next step and say , " Oh . " So that when I 'm at an airport , for instance , and they say , " Attention , ladies and gentlemen , " in the next half a second my mind will always think somebody crashed . That is it . Not everyone thinks that , you know , but many people do . DR . BOORSTEIN : I tested it out ; I asked people . But it in that in that mini - " Attention , ladies and gentlemen , " and then I think , Oh - oh . And then they say , " Please stay close to you luggage … " And they always say the same thing , too , so it 's not like I - I - but - so , I actually I don 't get to startled when I have that thought . It 's just the thought . Or if I come to a place where I 've agreed to meet my husband on a corner of a certain street at 5 : 00 and I come there at 5 : 00 and he 's not there and it 's five past five and he 's not there , I could start to think maybe this , maybe that , maybe this , maybe that . DR . BOORSTEIN : But I think to myself , wait a minute . That is just my peculiar neurological glitch kicking in . Probably not , you know , I could just wait here quietly . I could look in the windows . I could look at the people . I could say relaxing phrases to my own mind . I could wish well to the passersby . There are just lots of other things I can do . MS . TIPPETT : I 'm Krista Tippett , and this On Being , conversation about meaning , religion , ethics , and ideas . Today , " What We Nurture , " a public conversation with Jewish - Buddhist mother , grandmother , teacher , and psychotherapist Sylvia Boorstein . MS . TIPPETT : I happened to have the experience of having my first child , my daughter , while I was at seminary , while I was studying theology , which was a really interesting thing to do , to be reflecting theologically and then going through this experience of bringing life into the world . One of - one of the really strong reactions I had after she was born was realizing that I 'd grown up using this language of God as Father and that it 's not very - we don 't reflect on what we mean because this Father God who I always thought of was so sovereign , so powerful , right ? And the experience of becoming a parent is - is one of excruciating vulnerability and loss of control . DR . BOORSTEIN : Actually , no , no . It 's really a fact one of the people , who - a woman , who came regularly - I teach at Spirit Rock Meditation Center out in California , and the class is kind of a regular group of people that comes every Wednesday . And a woman came who was pregnant with her first child , and the whole group was looking forward to her having her baby . She took some time off after the baby was born and then she came back , brought the baby with her , and she talked about - she said , " You know , when I became pregnant , everybody said congratulations , great , great , great , great , great . When I had the baby , everybody said congratulations , great , great , great , great , great . Nobody tells me that I had , at that point , mortgaged my heart for the entire rest of my life , because my happiness now depends on this baby being well and healthy and nothing bad happening to it . Nobody tells you that . They don 't say when they hear - they don 't say , ' Uh - oh , you know , brace yourself . ' They say - they say , ' Congratulations . ' " DR . BOORSTEIN : Because you know , Krista , it 's both . It is congratulations . It 's the most amazing thing we can do , as you said , you know , theologically speaking , to create a new life that comes out with fingernails and eyelashes and all of its fingers and toes . It 's an amazing thing . And it 's extremely awakening in the sense of knowing how vulnerable we are . You know , sometimes when you say goodbye to somebody , you say , " I 'll see you soon . " And you really actually never know , and it would be grim to think about that all the time . But if I think about that enough of the time , I think the result of my thinking about that a lot is that I try very hard not to harbor any grudges and not to leave anybody in a not good way and to say I love you as much as I can when I leave people and when I talk to my children or my grandchildren . I think that 's actually this equality you think about … DR . BOORSTEIN : In fact , in fact . The - the crux of what the Buddha taught is really - is realizing that everything passes , including these lives , and it 's not a gloomy or macabre kind of philosophy . It 's really an understanding , but that 's what 's true . And knowing that 's what 's true , I think , we are mandated not to waste any time with enmity or negativity or grudges . It 's so easy to make a grudge list and then nurture it . MS . TIPPETT : Um , you know , the world has changed pretty rapidly in this sense as well . People tend to - you 'll often have mixed families of one parent is religious , the other is not , or they come from different traditions and their extended families may have 10 different traditions . But then when people become parents , they often still start asking this question : Do I want to pass something on or what do I want to pass on ? A rabbi , Sandy Sasso , said to me once that many of us , not all of us , have a mother tongue , a tradition we grew up in , and we may have rejected that . But she said , " Don 't let your tradition be defined by people who may have ruined it for you . " That probably is a first place to look . DR . BOORSTEIN : Actually , the truth about me is I didn 't come back to Judaism . I 've never left . Many people come back , that 's true . I actually never left . I had always a very cordial and warm relationship to Judaism . My family was comfortably a fairly traditional Jewish family as I grew up . I never questioned that I was fundamentally a Jew in the sense of my native language , as Sandy Sasso would say . I actually was introduced to a couple of meditative paths that didn 't particularly speak to me . And then I met my teachers and I went on retreat and I was very touched by what they said and particularly the understanding about the difference between a life inevitably challenged by pain and complications , but free of suffering . That there would be a way to train the mind to not make more suffering out of the inevitable challenges of life . And it just sounded exactly true to me . It made tremendous sense . It was like , phew , someone understands that there 's something anxiety - provoking about life . And I thought that my private anxiety was mine . Nobody else had it . And I thought about becoming enlightened and that , if I practice meditation enough , that the challenges of life and the pain and the disappointments of it would just - I would sail over them with great equanimity . DR . BOORSTEIN : That didn 't happen , that didn 't happen . I tell people - I tell people that I could have the most profound equanimity and I am two words away from losing it completely . Then they say , " What are those two words ? " I 'd say , " Well , you have to understand that first the phone has to ring . Ring , ring and you pick up the phone and a voice says , " Hello , Ma ? " And it doesn 't sound right - the complete - you get that . DR . BOORSTEIN : Because that 's a whole different story . But the truth is that we are connected with empathic bonds of tremendous energy . I wouldn 't want it otherwise . I don 't want to sail above my emotional life . I don 't want to complicate my emotions with worse complications by struggling with what I can 't change or by reacting without thinking things through . In the beginning , I think I had a more lofty idea of what would happen if I practiced a lot , become a lot more pedestrian . I 'd like to live kindly with a good heart because I 'll be the happiest that way . MS . TIPPETT : Let 's talk about this core insight that suffering - and , again , we 're acknowledging that parenting is the greatest loss of control we ever suffer - that suffering results from struggling with what is beyond my control , that idea that our minds get in conflict with our experience and that 's where suffering comes from , not so much from the realities themselves , but how we struggle with them . How do you think that applies to this ? DR . BOORSTEIN : Well , I just remembered actually just before we came out here this evening . I was sitting backstage and I remembered I was on a flight last Friday , and there was a family of five traveling with me . And everything is progressing well ; it wasn 't a terribly long flight . Near the end of the flight , the two - or three - year - old , she just fell asleep and now she 's awakened and it 's late in the afternoon . Probably her naptime is way off . She not only woke up , but she woke up and she 's beside herself and crying and flailing in the way of three - year - olds . I watched these two parents and they were fabulous . Her mother was completely just consoling , quietly talking to her , not losing her equanimity at all . I was marveling at it . I thought it was wonderful . You know , sometimes you see much more upset parents . This parent was not upset . Then by and by after a little while , the dad over here said , " Pass her to me . " So they changed children . She passed this one back to him . And then he - behind me - spoke to her in such a kindly way , and slowly , slowly she pulled herself together . I just so admired their parenting skills . I admired it because , first of all , the child calmed herself down . They didn 't whiz themselves up and create more suffering for themselves . They also didn 't create more suffering for the whole plane because , you know , sometimes when a child is getting upset and the parent becomes all upset , then you feel pulled into it . DR . BOORSTEIN : But somehow these parents ' equanimity was like a calming effect around the whole plane . And I thought well they were really - at the time , I thought they were really good parents . But I thought the element of their goodness was that they 're acting very wise , and that the wisdom involved is this child is two and a half and that 's what two - and - a - half - year - olds do when they 're awakened from a nap in the middle of a loud and rumbling landing . MS . TIPPETT : You know , that 's also an illustration of a distinction you made when you talk about wise effort . I found this really helpful . I feel like that 's a story about it . You said in terms of our reactions , that there 's a big difference in any moment between asking , " Am I pleased ? " Which of course , on an airplane and you have a screaming child , you 're not pleased . You 're embarrassed . You think you will be less disruptive if you can make them quiet . But the difference between asking , " Am I pleased ? " or " In this moment , am I able to care ? " MS . TIPPETT : You know , here 's something else you 've said that - that 's provocative and just so true . " It 's not fair " - the three words " it 's not fair " have caused more trouble than any words throughout history . But , you know , what 's interesting about that is it 's not fair is also the beginning of our children 's ethical instinct . DR . BOORSTEIN : I think that 's a really important point , Krista . I think probably people will be able to relate to that , you know , when you grow up in a family and , in the normal course of parenting , even before the child ventures out in the world and goes to school , there are incidents where they need to share with someone or whatever it is , they have to wait in line , and we say we do this because it 's fair and we do this because it 's fair . We carry on about it 's fair because it 's fair . Then they go to school and they come home and they say the teacher has favorites . They favor so - and - so and so - and - so over me . You say I 'm terribly sorry , I can 't do anything about that , and they say , " But it 's not fair . " Here you are , the people who have said it 's about fairness . Sometimes you have to say it 's not fair and we can 't do anything about it . But in the larger sense , when we as adults occupy ourselves with what 's not fair in the world and we take our children with us and they hear and see and take part in the expressions of our own generosity , our own kindness , our own social activism , when I think about parenting , I think you said it before about parenting as a spiritual practice . I think as social activism as a spiritual practice . I think of voting as a spiritual practice . MS . TIPPETT : So how do we help them walk that line between - you know , I remember Sister Helen Prejean , who is a great opponent of the death penalty , said . " Anger is a moral response . " But then it 's what you do with that anger ? This is what you 're saying also , that it 's not fair is a fundament of morality and of activism . So how do we walk that line between demonstrating that and also helping ourselves and our children live wisely with those feelings and those observations of life 's unfairness ? DR . BOORSTEIN : You know , I think a lot about that . I remember my father , who is now long gone , hearing me teach about transforming anger into work in the world , doing something . He 'd say , " I need my anger , Sylvia . It motivates me to do all the activism that I do . " I 'd say , " Well , you do need it , Dad . You need it just to alert you to what needs attention , but you don 't need to carry it along with you to keep refueling you . " As a matter of fact , if you keep nurturing the flame of anger , it confuses the mind and maybe we don 't respond as wisely as we ought to . But I need the anger as if I had 104 fever ; it would be a sign that I need to do something about it . DR . BOORSTEIN : But then you let it - well , I hope that what I do is I recognize the anger as a response actually . It 's a response , I think , to what I feel underneath it , which is a fear . Things really aren 't fair ; this is not right that this and this is happening in the world . And I think it responds to that fear , which is basic . The human response is to lash out at it when something frightens us . You know what 's the easiest example of that ? If you come by a door and , as a joke , someone 's hiding behind the door and they leap out and they say , " Boo ! " and you get mad at them for doing it . Or you see sometimes - this is a terrible thing to see . You see sometimes a child rushes out into traffic , and a parent runs out and grabs it and then hits it . But what they 've done is , they 've gotten frightened and then they get angry . So I think that the anger is on top of the fear and to be able to say I am frightened , because in the world these unjust things are happening , what can I do and how can I have a mind that 's energized to do something about it , but not reacting in anger , but responding in firm kindness ? But things need to be different . Things need to be different . MS . TIPPETT : You can watch and experience my entire live , 90 - minute conversation with Sylvia Boorstein on our website . About 350 people joined us at the Community House in Birmingham , Michigan , and they posed some of their thoughts and questions to her and to me as a mother as well . And at one point , Sylvia led all of us in an eight - minute guided lovingkindness or " metta " meditation . Here 's a flavor of that : DR . BOORSTEIN : So you don 't have to sit in a special way . But if you want to , close your eyes and just take two deep breaths in and out , in and out . Take along breath in and out and in again and out , and feel yourself sitting here , feel yourself sitting here , feel yourself surrounded by all these people . Feel yourself , I hope , happy and content and think in your mind a blessing for yourself . The metta practice , lovingkindness practice , always begins with a blessing for yourself . So think for yourself , " May I feel safe . " Put those words in your mind . " May I feel content . " " May I feel strong . " " May I live with ease . " MS . TIPPETT : Find this entire meditation as it unfolded on our website . Experience it for yourself and share it with others . And , of course , you can watch or listen again to the entire evening . Just go to onbeing . org . We 're also on Facebook , Tumblr , and Twitter . Follow our show @ beingtweets . I share my thoughts @ kristatippett . Coming up , what GPS might teach us about inner equanimity . . MS . TIPPETT : I 'm Krista Tippett , and this On Being . Today : " What We Nurture " - my conversation with the warm and wise Jewish - Buddhist teacher and psychotherapist Sylvia Boorstein . DR . BOORSTEIN : Oh , I think that , you know , I have been talking a lot about kindness in the last few years . It 's such in a sense a humble word when we think about spiritual practices or if I think about 30 or more years ago when I began to be interested in a meditative path . We talked about things like enlightenment and revelation and kindness is much more humble . But I actually think kindness is what I 'd really like to establish in myself . The Dalai Lama , when people ask him what 's your religion , says my religion is kindness . I think that 's a word that subsumes tolerance and forgiveness and graciousness and patience . MS . TIPPETT : What I like about kindness is that it 's doable . Unlike those virtues like compassion or even tolerance that you have to cultivate , you can be a lifetime cultivating those things . You can actually be kind to someone even if you don 't feel especially compassionate or it can be an act . DR . BOORSTEIN : It 's an act and I think it 's on the way to actually genuinely being compassionate . The way I keep thinking about it , Krista , is when I 'm kind , in any circumstance - whatever , someone cuts in front of me in line . You go in with a basket in the supermarket and someone zips in right in front of you and you only have two items in your basket anyway , so they could have not , so your mind thinks a thought . So I 've done myself a kindness . And the wisdom , I think , that comes from not upsetting the mind is you never know . I really don 't know where that person is going and you never know whether it 's good to go out now or two minutes later . Maybe , you know , who knows what traffic he 'll get into or I . Just to not fight with the moment . There they are . Why complicate it ? I think we 're in the habit of doing that a lot . MS . TIPPETT : And I suppose we model that for our children then and they become like that too . Do you have thoughts about passing this kind of idea , this kind of teaching , on to children ? Even as I say that , I realize that probably the best way is to be like that . I remember my daughter , who 's 17 now , she said to me the other day , " So is this one of those do what I say , not what I do things ? " Right , um , but do you - do you - so I assume you model this , but do you talk to your children or your grandchildren about kindness , about this kind of … DR . BOORSTEIN : I think it probably comes up in the conversation from time to time . I don 't bring it up as , you know , as a sermon , but I think by what we respond to and what we nurture , that 's really what grows in our children . One of my friends has a story that he likes to tell , which I 've heard now as a Native American story . I 've heard it as every kind of a story , but as wise grandfather saying to his grandson - or it could be a wise grandmother saying to her granddaughter - I have two wolves in my heart : One is loving and one is vicious and they 're at war with each other . The grandchild is saying , which is going to win ? And the grandparent saying , the one I feed . DR . BOORSTEIN : I think our children learn to speak in a tone that we speak in or to hold people kindly if we do . I had in my mind I wanted to tell this . I 've never said it in a public audience , but I just thought about it recently . I decided that - I 'll find out soon if this is a good analogy - but I was thinking about the GPS in my car . It never gets annoyed at me . If I make a mistake , it says , " Recalculating . " And then it tells me to make the soonest left turn and go back . I thought to myself , you know , I should write a book and call it " Recalculating " because I think that that 's what we 're doing all the time . That something happens , it challenges us and the challenge is , OK , so do you want to get mad now ? You could get mad , you could go home , you could make some phone calls , you could tell a few people you can 't believe what this person said or that person said . Indignation is tremendously seductive , you know , and to share with other people on the telephone and all that . So to not do it and to say , wait a minute , apropos of what you said before , wise effort to say to yourself , wait a minute , this is not the right road . Literally , this is not the right road . There 's a fork in the road here . I could become indignant , I could flame up this flame of negativity or I could say , " Recalculating . " I 'll just go back here . DR . BOORSTEIN : And no matter how many times I don 't make that turn , it will continue to say , " Recalculating . " The tone of voice will stay the same . MS . TIPPETT : I 'm Krista Tippett with On Being . Today : " What We Nurture " - my conversation with the warm and wise Jewish - Buddhist teacher and psychotherapist Sylvia Boorstein . MS . TIPPETT : Sylvia , I want to ask you , to this question of raising children , human beings who are kind , who have a heart for the world , in a world that 's troubled - when you and I met on a panel in Southern California two years ago , you told a story about leading mindfulness teaching sessions . And you told a story about , I think , it was a man who at the end of it said , " I 'm frightened to go back out into the world . I feel so vulnerable and in here I 'm safe , but I don 't know how I can be out in the world and be vulnerable . " And that story came back to me as I was thinking about interviewing you on this subject because I think , as a parent , there 's a version of that that goes through my mind . How much do I expose my children to ? How do I teach them to be kind and open to the world 's pain and vulnerable ? And yet I want them to be safe , and I actually want them to be tough out in that scary world at the same time . Talk to me about that . DR . BOORSTEIN : Well , I remember - it 's a two - part answer , I remember that , um , I - I don 't remember the exactly that moment , but I 'm sure it happened because it comes up often . And people will come and spend a week at a retreat center or a weekend or however many days and then they do say , here everyone is safe and it 's quiet and to go out I feel too vulnerable . And it gives me a chance to say , you know , really , I don 't think we can become too vulnerable . I 'm waiting for the time that the whole world is suddenly too vulnerable and looks around and says , " Wait a minute we 're making a very big mistake . We all have to stop . We have to share . We have to make sure there is enough to eat all over the world . We - we can teach each other our ways and tell each other our hopes and dreams , but we can 't kill each other that doesn 't work . And we can 't kill the earth . And we can 't despoil it as we are doing . " So in a sense that 's a half of an answer , Krista , but because that 's what I 'd say to an adult who 's leaving a retreat . DR . BOORSTEIN : To a parent , I say , you know , as a child who 's growing up , inevitably they live in the world and they 'll hear about things . If they live in a house that 's relatively peaceful and we have a certain amount of control as parents about how much the TV is on and what 's on the TV and how much they are confronted by the pain of the world , and you know what I think ? Since for myself , really , I can 't - sometimes the pain of the world seems incomprehensible and unbearable to me , but I think if there 's anything that balances it , it 's the wonder at the world , the amazingness of people , how resilient they are , how people will take care of people that they don 't know . If somebody falls or someone 's in trouble in a public place , people take care of them . People take care of people that they don 't know . That human beings have that ability . I don 't think they have to learn it . They don 't have to have lessons . I think we 're an companionable species , for the most part . Every once in a while , we meet hermit - type people , but for the most part , we 're companionable and congenial and we care about other people and we take care of them . So to be able to look at human beings and say human beings are amazing , life is amazing . The sun came up in the exact right place this morning and celebrates seasons . I think that 's a wonderful part of being part of a group of people who celebrate seasons and birthdays and holy days . So that here we are again at another time in another season and there 's that great cosmos out there to look at and imagine people going up into space and looking at the stars . Our ancestors looked at the same stars . I think that there 's a way of - if I keep in myself a sense of amazement , I tell my grandchildren , " Look at this moon . It 's a three - day moon . It 's the best moon . It 's better than a two - day moon . A two - day moon is kind of skimpy . You really can 't see it yet . And a four - day moon ? Oh , it 's already like on its way to a moon , but a three - day moon is just beautiful . It 's my favorite moon . " And if I show that to them , then they begin to think , " Oh , it 's my favorite moon , a three - day moon . " That just happens to be me . I like moons . Everybody will do it in their own way . I think that all these balances - when the Buddha taught about needing to see the suffering in the world so that we could respond with compassion , he also talked about the preciousness of life and the need to take care of it , and I think they 're both . MS . TIPPETT : Cultivating those two at the same time . I mean , that 's also something I think our children give us new eyes , especially when they 're very little , to see the world . Actually Trent , my colleague , was talking about taking a walk with his son the other day . I remember those moments when your children are little and it 's like everything has been invented for them , right , and they name it and everything is fascinating . DR . BOORSTEIN : Yeah , yeah . Right . You can look at one flower for a long time because it 's amazing when they start to do that . MS . TIPPETT : This is also making me think about how we need to be attentive to what our children can teach us , as well as what we want to impart to them because some of this they know and they actually know more immediately than we do , because we lose it . I remember watching something terrible on the news the other day . And my daughter said , " So many beautiful lives in the world and this is what they focus on . " DR . BOORSTEIN : They don 't make good headlines . You know , it would be wonderful - I don 't know if it would be commercially viable if there were a channel that had all wonderful things in the news . MS . TIPPETT : I don 't know . It 's hard to make good news sexy . It is . I think about this a lot as a journalist . MS . TIPPETT : Maybe . But , you know , but I think it 's like kindness . It 's the stuff of moments , but it can be absolutely transformative in moments and these beautiful lives are transformative in moments . But we have to train ourselves to look for them . DR . BOORSTEIN : You know , there were two things that you just said . One of them is that when we are really paying attention which is what mindfulness is , we really connect with other people . You know , lots - lots of times I think , for reasons of rush or whatever , even with our own children , we 're not completely there . I have a friend whose grandchild said to him - a grandchild with whom he spends a lot of time , he was visiting and staying at the house and doing whatever - said to him , " Grandpa , do you love me ? " He said , " Of course , I love you . You do know that , don 't you ? " He said , " Yes , but I don 't feel it when you aren 't paying attention to me . " So there is something about really paying attention . DR . BOORSTEIN : What seems most clear to me is that children pick up what their parents live . My friend Jim Finley , who 's a Christian contemplative psychotherapist , said , " I learned to pray sitting next to my mother in church . " And what I understood from him is that he didn 't learn the words of the prayer ; he learned the feelings out of her body as she sat there . I think that children learn that from us . Spirituality doesn 't look like sitting down and meditating . Spirituality looks like folding the towels in a sweet way and talking kindly to the people in the family even though you 've had a long day . Or even saying to them , " Listen , I 've had such a long day , but it would be really wonderful if I could just fold these - I 'd really love folding these towels quietly if you all are ready to go bed without me , " or whatever it is . But I - I actually think that spiritual parenting - people often say to me , " I have so many things that take up my day . I don 't have time to take up a spiritual practice . " And the thing about being a parent who might think of themselves as a wise parent or a spiritual parent doesn 't take extra time . It 's enfolded into the act of parenting . You fold the towels in a sweet way . It doesn 't take extra time . MS . TIPPETT : So Sylvia , one thing following on that . Lovingkindness meditation is also towards one 's self . You share a story in your writing about precisely that , but you share what you often say to yourself when you 're in a moment of anxiety . OK . So I think this is just great advice . I 'm going to hang onto this . " Sweetheart , you are in pain . Relax , take a breath , let 's pay attention to what is happening , then we 'll figure out what to do . " I think that 's a fabulous sentence for one 's self and for one 's children . DR . BOORSTEIN : I 'm so pleased that you found that . It 's tremendously pleasing to me because I meet people in some significant numbers who tell me that they say to themselves in moments of distress . I say - they say , " I say to myself , ' Sweetheart , you 're in pain . Relax , take a breath . ' " I love that . A whole bunch of people out there saying to themselves , " Sweetheart . " MS . TIPPETT : As I promised , I want to end with a poem . We 're going to let Pablo Neruda have the last word , because you mentioned this in your writing as a poem that you always have with you . And I printed it out and I - I think it 's beautiful and I wonder if you 'd give that - leave that as a gift for all the rest of us . MS . TIPPETT : Sylvia Boorstein is a founding teacher of Spirit Rock Meditation Center in Woodacre , California . Her books include That 's Funny , You Don 't Look Buddhistand Happiness Is an Inside Job : Practicing for a Joyful Life . At onbeing . org , you can listen again to Sylvia Boorstein 's reading of Pablo Neruda 's poem " Keeping Quiet . " And you can also watch and experience my entire conversation with her . As always , there are downloadable MP3s of this week 's show and my unedited interview available through our email updates , our podcast , and on Twitter and Facebook . Find all that at onbeing . org .
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What makes someone a hero ? Is it a person risking her life for someone else ? Is it a person putting the greater good ahead of his own good ? Is it helping others ? There are as many definitions of hero as there are people on the earth . While there may be many definitions of " hero , " one definition stands out to me . My definition of a hero is someone who inspires me to better myself . There are not many people who do that but are a few . The one I 'm writing about here is not considered by many to be very talented . I have heard people say he is , at best , a mediocre actor and , at worst , a terrible one but I have cried as he acted the part of broken hearted husband . I have read interviews in which directors he chose not to work with have accused him of being egotistical and his response was , " If my ego is healthy enough to say , ' I 'm not going to do a . . . rehash of the same film just because you want me to do it quickly , ' that 's my ego ! My ego is that big ! " and I applaud him for remaining true to his principles . I have heard his co - workers tear him down spitefully and I have seen him time and time again , turn the praise to others ; the directors , his mentors , his co - actors , or the audience . I have read posts by people accusing him of being nothing but a meathead , his success running on nothing but his biceps . The truth is , he has worked very hard and sacrificed a lot for the success he has had . More than all this , he has inspired me ; inspired me to better myself , to make my own dreams come true , through his journey to do the same . Who is this man ? Many only know Diesel as an action movie star and , for many years , that was the only way I thought of him . This began to change during a season of boredom . I wanted to find some new movies to watch and , having just seen Pitch Black and The Chronicles of Riddick for the second time , I began to look for other movies he had appeared in . What I found was a career history I knew nothing about . There were the movies I expected , The Fast and the Furious , xXx , and The Pacifier , in which Diesel plays " tough guys . " What I didn 't expect was Multi - Facial , Strays , and Find Me Guilty , in which Diesel plays serious and deep roles . I didn 't expect to find that he had written screenplays and directed and produced films . I didn 't expect to find a fellow Dungeons and Dragons fan . I didn 't expect to find a man willing to turn down millions because " the script just wasn 't right . " I didn 't expect to have a life altering experience by him encouraging me to invest in making my dreams become a reality . Vin Diesel knows a little something about investing into one 's dreams to make them become a reality . He started acting when he was seven years old in the New York theater scene . In his early twenties , he arrived in Los Angeles , expecting to become a star . After a year of auditions and rejections , he returned to New York , as he has said , with his tail between his legs . He had not secured so much as an agent . Unwilling to let his dreams die , realizing he could no longer rely on others to dictate where his future was going to go , he started writing a short film . Two weeks later , he was shooting and , as he said to Charlie Rose , " That 's where it all started . " There had been no scripts for Vin Diesel so Vin Diesel had decided to make his own . He saved $ 3000 and instead of spending it on a flat screen T . V . , he took the money and invested it into his career . He wrote , directed , produced , and starred in his short film titled Multi - Facial . The film is about an actor who can 't get hired because he 's too multi - cultural . He 's not " black " enough or " white " enough or " hispanic " enough , just like Vin . Vin and the friends who helped him produce it took it to Cannes Film Festival but were unable to procure buyers for it . Disappointed but not defeated by this set back , Vin returned to Los Angeles and , again , began saving money . He and a friend worked as telemarketers , selling tools and light bulbs . In the course of a year they saved $ 47 , 000 . Like before , instead of buying something to " look " cool , like a new car , Vin invested into his career , returned to New York and wrote Strays . Again , he produced , directed and starred in his film . This feature length film was accepted into Sundance Film Festival and , like Mulit - Facial , received rave reviews but no buyers . Luckily , Diesel 's investment into his career was not without gain . Steven Spielberg saw Multi - Facial , wrote a part for Vin into Saving Private Ryan and introduced him to the Hollywood movie scene . Following Saving Private Ryan , Diesel starred in a low budget but well crafted science fiction film , Pitch Black . The year after that he starred beside Paul Walker in The Fast and the Furious . The next year he starred in xXx . And with those two , Vin Diesel reached the stardom he had aspired to . It is not this stardom , however , that made Diesel a hero of mine . No , simple stardom is not enough . Many people are movie stars . Many people work hard to achieve their dream of being a famous actor or actress . What caused Vin Diesel to stick out to me is his commitment to the art ; the art of story telling , the art of character development , the art of cinematography ; a commitment which I share deeply . Vin is , at heart , an artist . Vin Diesel chooses parts that present a challenge to him as an actor , preferring multidimensional characters and anti heroes to picture perfect heroes who are hard for people to identify with . Regarding his character Xander Cage in xXx , he said , " where as the predecessors [ James Bond and the like ] represented a country , I think xXx represents the world . He 's kind of this proletarian hero , this rebel hero that 's recruited … Xander … doesn 't want to be a secret agent but he is a guy that 's called to duty and he rises to the occasion . " Vin chooses scripts that tell original but relevant tales . During an interview with Shawn Adler he talked about The Chronicles of Riddick , which he helped develop . Regarding pressure he was feeling to make the film successful , he said , " The second I was able [ to make ] this epic that didn 't spawn from a book that was in existence for 50 years , that didn 't come from a comic book character , that was completely an original project , I felt like I was satisfied . " He loves the craft so much that he turned down over 25 million dollars when he chose to forgo starring in the sequel to The Fast and the Furious . He turned it down simply because the script was shallow and did not advance the characters or the story line . Diesel attributes his commitment to the story and his love of the role , largely to his love of Dungeons and Dragons , a fantasy role playing game . He will freely admit to a long history of playing , calling it the training ground for imagination and credits it for much of of his love of story . His ability to create and imagine stories comes largely from his experiences playing this game . Not only does he freely talk about his experiences developing characters or acting as Game Master , he also wrote the introduction for " Thirty Years of Adventure : A Celebration of Dungeons & Dragons . " In it he says , " [ W ] hat kept us hooked [ on the game ] was the search for the character that represented our higher self . Playing D & D was … an opportunity to explore our own identities . " It is this , this love of imagination , this love of storytelling , this love of developing real and relevant characters that made Vin Diesel a hero . He said to Charlie Rose , " There was a point in my life when I realized I could no long rely on everyone else … I could no longer empower the negatives or empower others to dictate where my future was going to be . " To Jay Leno he said : When he said that , my heart responded with a cheer . My heart also broke with the knowledge that I had not been taking the responsibility for making my dreams become a reality . I was not reclaiming the control over the direction of my life . I was sitting by , relying on others to make my dreams come true . A month later , after many talks with my husband and many thoughtful days spent pondering what my dreams really were , I enrolled in college . I was 28 years old and I was no longer going to rely on others to make my dreams come true . I was going to take what I had and invest it all into my dreams . I was not going to sit by and let others dictate where my life was going to go . Vin Diesel is a man worthy of respect . First and foremost he is a man of integrity , remaining true not only to his art but also to himself . Secondly , he is a hero because he encourages others to look within themselves to see how they could better themselves by taking control of their lives and their dreams . These two things are what caused me to see Vin Diesel through different eyes ; to see him as an inspiration to us all and especially to me . She stood up and putting her hands in the small of her back , stretched , arching her back and letting her dark hair cascade down her back . She straightened and pushing damp curls away from her face , smiled at me . My brown eyes locked on her hazel ones as she extended a calloused and dirty hand to me . I took her hand in mine , marveling at the strength in it . I saw her beautiful , full lips moving and knew she was asking me a question but my ears heard nothing . I knew I was staring and also knew I would stare at her forever if she 'd let me . As I felt her begin to pull her hand out of mine , I snapped back to myself and my brain registered what she was saying . As she asked again , what she could do for me , her voice was strong but gentle at the same time . Exactly the type of voice you would expect a goddess of horses to have . As I stumbled over myself , trying to explain about volunteering at the riding school for disadvantaged kids next door and asking if she was looking for any extra help , anything at all , I felt my hands begin to sweat and my face begin to flush . As I inhaled , trying to still my racing heart , she smiled , brightening the dark stall . " I 'm always looking for good help . Let 's go into the office and see what you are interested in . " As she walked past me , I caught the scent of soap , both body and saddle and it made my stomach do flip - flops . When I walked out of the office twenty minutes later , a copy of my work schedule in my hand and love deep in my heart , I knew without a shadow of a doubt this was going to be the best summer of my life . I just started writing with no thought as to plot or characters or anything . I wrote the first line and then I wrote the second and so on and so forth . This is the little 600 words that happened … I closed my eyes and wished I were in another place , another time , another body . Anything to escape this , to remove my friends from this . I heard the snapping of far off shots and held my breath , wondering if they would remain afar or if they would head our direction . Peter shifted and I felt his breath against my cheek . His arms around me were strong but I knew he must be tired . He was still weak from his own bought of illness and my weight , though less than before I got sick , would be wearing on him . " I think they 're readying the next search . Are you ready to go again ? " His voice was low , reaching only the ears of those huddled around him . Eric , a young farm boy from the next town over , watched Peter with eyes wide open . In the fading light of twilight , his eyes were the most prominent feature of his dark face . Fran , an orphan who , like me had gotten the sickness six weeks ago , lifted her face to look at Peter with dead eyes before lowering her head back onto her bony knees . She wrapped her lank arms , clad thinly in her hospital gown , around her legs , drawing them closer to her chest , squeezing into the smallest space possible . I knew she would not make it to the next stopping point without help , if at all . Gary , nodded solemnly from his position across from Peter . Gary was the only one of our group who had not been sick and I hoped he would be spared … at least until we were in a safe location . We would not be able to save him if his temperature sky rocketed in the first stage of the sickness . I had heard talk of a few who were immune to the sickness and I hoped Gary was one of the lucky few . When I 'd asked the nurse about it , her hands paused for just a moment from their massaging of my legs before she answered gruffly , " What you talking about , child ? You running some more fever ? You start talking craziness again , the doc , he 's gonna put you back on the drip . " I had closed my lips tightly least I might say something which would result in being returned to the nightmare like landscape of the " drip " induced coma , or Dripma as it had been dubbed . I shuddered slightly in Peter 's arms , remembering the cold of the Dripma world . They said I was under for three weeks , longer than any other survivor , but I had years of memories from that place . Peter looked down at me , concern on his face . " Do you need to rest longer , Janee ? " His question was quieter than his last . I knew he worried about me more than the others but I , being carried , would not be the one to slow them down with requests to rest . I shook my head . And that 's all , folks . This has been a free writing experience with Becky Walker . See you next time on , " No Planning Whatsoever . " Now , a word from our sponsor … I would like to write but I 'm having a hard time nailing down a certain thing to write about . I 've been researching home birth and have stumbled across a nest of rabid anti - homebirthers . You think homebirthers are crazy ? Check out the opposition . They are crazy , too . I mean , they 're really out to get DEM ( Direct Entry Midwives ) . Calling names , slandering , bickering , skewing of statistics , commenting on every article regarding homebirth on a blogsite . Yeah , they 're nuts , too . That 'd make a fun blog but it would take a lot of researching and I just don 't have the time . I talked on the phone with a friend for about an hour about discipline and spanking and general parenting . I would like to write about theory of parenting ; each family must find the methods that work for them ; consistency is always good ; spanking vs . not spanking ; how much do you let the expectations of others affect your parenting style , etc . But I only know what 's worked for us and I don 't really feel ready to back up anything . All I can do is spout about what I think . I don 't really know anything . I 'm also reading this interesting book called " Odd Girl Out . " It explores the bullying and cruelty of girls . It 's horrible scary . I 'm realizing , first of all , that I really didn 't have , and still don 't have , any idea what 's going on in other females ' heads . It 's made some things I 've gone through make more sense and has made the way I parent a little different . But I 've not finished it and so don 't feel like blogging about it yet . I 'd like to write fiction again but I don 't have any stories fighting to get out . I 'd kind of like to explore Mystique 's mind again and maybe even continue the story I started with her . I think , if I do , I 'm going to have to do Chapter 2 over again . I don 't like where I was taking the story and I don 't think it really worked . Oh , I thought of something I might blog about . Israel helped me come to a revelation about myself . I want the end result , right now , and am unwilling to do the work to get to the result . Example : I started studying German and thought , seriously , that I would master it within about nine months . Certainly by the time we got onto a transAtlantic flight . So , when I hit a spot where learning German was no longer easy , I quit . I wasn 't going to be a German linguist in less than a year and so I gave up . That 's not cool . Another example : I want to write . I want to be a good writer . I bought a book and started working through it . I never said this but in my heart , I thought that by the time I worked through the book , I would have a completed novel ready for publication . Naturally , that wasn 't going to happen . But I didn 't understand that so when I got to a chapter that was hard for me , I shut the book and haven 't opened it or my writing notebook since . Again , that 's not cool . There have been a few things that I did master quickly . And grew bored with them just as quickly . Embroidery was easy . I made a beautiful Christmas quilt . I embroidered nine different Christmas pictures onto remnants from my wedding dress ( Windsor satin ) and then framed them with some Christmas material and sewed them into a quilt . I did it in about two months . The last three or so pictures I did were done so well and the stitches so small and perfect that it did not look as though it had been done by hand , by someone who had only learned the skill two months previously . And after I finished the quilt , I 've never picked up an embroidery hoop since . I have no interest what so ever . I 've mastered it and so I 'm bored . I can 't think of a single thing that I 've really strived for that I 've not given up on because I wasn 't an expert immediately . I wanted to train horses and when I got bucked off , I quit . I wanted to crochet and when I couldn 't make a mitten , I quit . I wanted to be a photographer and when I didn 't blow my teacher away with my innate talent , I never took another class . I think the first thing for me to do , is to admit that I am not a prodigy . I must decide that something is worth the work of working . I need to put my nose to the grindstone and tough it out instead of taking the easy way out and quitting . I 've made a plan with weight loss . I 've set a series of goals for myself . I 've got about eighty pounds to lose . I 've made a chart with fifteen pound increments marked and at each goal , I am rewarded with the noted reward . The first goal is 230 and I 've only another five pounds to go before I meet it . When I meet it , I am going to get my lip pierced . When I hit 215 , my eyebrow ; 200 , hair cut ; 185 , tattoo ; 170 , two piece swimsuit ; 160 , belly button piercing . I know that losing about a pound a week is the ideal amount for long term results so that ' where I 'm aiming . This means I 've a little over a month to save up for the first piercing and another fifteen before the next . Then I 've got over six months before the tattoo , which will be expensive . So , by setting these goals , not only have I spelled it out for myself that I 'm not going to be wearing a size 6 at Christmas , I 've also set up goals that encourage me to keep working even when the going gets tough . Unfortunately , learning German is not so quantifiable as weight loss . It 's not like I can say , " When I 've learned 10 % of the German language , I get a day at a spa . When I 've learned 20 % of German I will get a manicure . It just doesn 't work . It 's not measurable . My quest right now is to figure out how to stay on task even when it 's not fun in order to have the fun of mastering a hard thing . I believe it is very important to enjoy life and live life to it 's fullest . I don 't believe it 's good to do thing you don 't want to do . It 's important that you reap happiness or joy from the things you spend time on . Time is one of those things you can never get back and it 's paramount that you love as much of your time on earth as possible . That said , it 's also important , at least for me , that I have more to show for my life than a bunch of immediate and temporary pleasures . I will really enjoy knowing another language . I will reap many , many rewards and benefits and warm fuzzies from being being able to converse with German 's in their native tongue . I will gain much pleasure from reading Wolfgang Simson 's Houses that Change the World in the original German . I think I will enjoy knowing German more than I would enjoy goofing off for four years but when I am presented with the choice of playing or studying , playing seems so much more valuable . I don 't think I 'm going to come to any conclusions today about all this . As Israel likes to say , " There 's nothing to do but to do it , " and I think he 's right . I must remind myself of the ultimate goal and acknowledge that it will be a process to get there and not an instantaneous transformation .
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I am a journalist and photographer from India . I have started my career as a photographer in 1991 . I hold a diploma in photography from the school of art in Cochin which is in the southern part of India . Journalism was of course not my profession but I started to be involved in it at the same time as I was seriously observing the politics . But I do consider myself as photographer rather than a journalist . Today I am here to share one of my breath taking experiences that happened near about six months back in Delhi , the city where I live . It was in May 2002 one night after a long day of work I was walking back to my home . I was living a bit away from the city centre . The bus dropped me off quiet close to my house . But sometimes I prefer to walk a bit so I got off two stops before my house . In such a walk I tend to fall into long conversations to with myself or think about some photographic inventions . That day my thoughts were revolving around the perception of reality and an ideal photographic work . I was seriously thinking about how the camera squares the vision and how can one go beyond the technical territories of a photographic land . Suddenly I remembered a " photographic accident " taken by somebody in England who captured the sight of a man committing suicide from the 25th floor of his apartment . He was falling down when the photographer clicked his shot . The photograph shows his face with amazing clarity though one of his hands was covering the upper portion of his head . When you see the photograph you can never imagine how he fixed that particular angle . I think it has something to do with unpredicted / accidental circumstances where the photographer might have had a long lonely walk on his way back to home . The expression of the person committing suicide shows a phase in - between life and death which in a normal case the mechanic process of a camera would never be able to arrest . I was approaching the dark portion of my locality . In last two weeks the area did not have the street light on the road . In one side there is a long wall separating the road from the public park . The other side is filled with shops and narrow gallies in between . At 1 o ' clock at night the street was completely deserted . Suddenly I heard a screaming sound some where from the other side of the wall . The voice was sharp and louder as if somebody is going through an intense physical agony . I slow down my speed and sharpened my ears . There was complete silence . After two minutes when I picked up my normal speed I heard that sound once again . This time it was horrible . A cold wave passed through my vain which of course froze my movements . I looked around ; there was not a single living creature around me . I was trying to locate the source of the sound . Then I heard the sound again as if from a dead soul . Then I could make out the sound was coming from somewhere in the corner of the park . I ran as fast as I could and got inside the park and looked around . I could see some shadow movements in the right side corner of the park . Because of the trees around I couldn 't make out what is happening there . I slowly walked towards the shadow hiding myself behind the trees . I saw a group of people attacking a man who was standing in the middle . He was trying to resist with his hands and unable to make any improvement on his position . Here I am afraid whether I will be able to continue my detailed description of what I was witnessed . Because I have never seen not even in Bollywood movies a man is treated by a gang such brutally . They hit him , stabbed him , they tore his body from top to bottom with a sharp knife . His one eye was almost coming out . He screamed one more time after I approached them . While all that was happening he was kept tightly under the arms of two strong men . After some time when they released their hands he collapsed on the ground . This horrible experience of a murder happening in front of me created a vacuum I observed his face to figure out who was he . He had a bulge on his left side of his forehead . That was an identification mark of him . Even though his face was completely ruined by the smashes I could make out that he was above forty . An average size body showed a middle class appearance . His left eye was bulged out of his eye hole . His blood started clotting all over his body . I was trying to trace his face in my memory . Have I ever seen him anywhere in this big city ? No , never in my life . I found him with intense pain and latter dead , such a bad fate of a man . While sitting in the restaurant and waiting for a coffee I was once again going through the horrible event I witnessed last night . I couldn 't sleep the rest of the night . After reporting the incident to one of the editors in the desk I gave my film to select the photograph . I was very sure that they will put this news in the front page because of my detailed description of it . I was insisting up on the fact that even after they knew the man is dead they continued their brutal activity for more than fifteen minutes ; surely that makes this massacre more different than the usual murders . The way the murderers behaved made me think about strong system or people backing them for this particular operation . In my statement I was pointing out so many facts which could give light on the reasons behind this particular incident . I felt a kind of heaviness inside me . Early in the morning I went out and started to walk aimlessly . The city woke up into the hot murder story along with the colour photographs in front of the leading newspapers . I bought two or three different newspapers from a newspaper boy . I walked a long way through one of the crowded street . In the evening I suddenly realised that I have not eaten anything since the morning . That is how I ended up this place , a restaurant in the corner of the street . The restaurant was not that crowded . There were six or seven people sitting here and there chatting in low voice . I was sitting in the corner of the cafe looking at my photograph again . When I turned my eyes from the newspaper I felt that somebody was watching me from a distance . It was from the right side of the table from the other corner a man was observing me in silence . When we had a gazed on each other I could hardly believe my eyes . I looked again to the newspaper . He resembled too much the unfortunate man that died last night . Is he the twin brother of the died one or a close relative ? He was quiet pleasant in his appearance and did not at all look gloomy . Rather he was almost in the verge of smiling at me showing that he was interested to talk to me . While I was looking back to the photograph again he stood from the chair and approached me . He asked my permission to sit opposite my table and introduced himself as Rohit Aggarwal . I said my name as well . I was looking at him with a face full of questions . Before he said anything , pointing my finger on the photograph I asked him ; do you know this man ? Is he somebody you have kinship with ? Yes , I know this man ; he became serious . I can understand your feeling if you have witnessed this brutal incident . But why do you think this particular murder created such a sensation in the city . He was looking at me as if my answer was so important to carry his conversation further . I didn 't have to think twice to answer his question . This crime created a wide spread discussion because of it 's ' brutality . Even after he died , the group continued their humiliation on his body more than 15 minutes . I think that is quiet unusual and therefore sensational as well . Yes , you have got the point , that is exactly what it is . You said you know him . You didn 't tell me who he was . I insisted up on the first question again . It is not important for you to know who he was , he said . But it is very important to know how he was killed . For example if he was stabbed by someone in the corner of a little street , you would not have known to his death forever . Am I right ? He said it with a strange expression . He was right , if I had not heard that wild scream I would not have gone to that place to find out what it is . But what a strange way of eliminating people . The human psyche works in absolutely unpredictable ways . You are right Rohit ; I couldn 't believe it even though it happened in front of me . But what do you think of such a strange way of killing . Can we really find the reason for such a barbaric act ? If killing was the only purpose because of some personal reasons why this is is performed with all this sadistic parody ? I think I do remember a lot from that category . For example do you remember a strange murder story about a lady doctor and her lover which happened two years back ? She killed her boy friend and cut his body in pieces . Then packed him in a box and put it in her car boot . She had travelled all over the city to find a suitable place where she could throw this pack . What a journey of a romantic tragedy ! When police caught her with her packet , they found it surprising how skilful she was in her profession that the way she cut her boy friend 's body without dripping a single drop of blood . While narrating this incident I was observing my friend , who was thrilled by the reference . His expression showed that he was expecting this incident at any case . Then I remembered another one about a group of children who killed a one year old boy , throwing him in the drainage in a narrow street in Bombay . They were playing in the street in the afternoon . All of them were less than ten years old . One of the boys went inside his home and brought his one year old brother . All of them agreed to his idea to put him into the drainage . Another strange thing happened in a village close to Delhi where one Dalit ( lower cast ) woman was forced to walk through out her village without a single cloth on . She had to do this as a punishment because of her brother , who left the village with an upper class girl whom he was in love . Some incidents are so unbelievable , I even wonder that such thing can happen even in this century . Yes , that is the whole point of it . He replied . You even get confused with the dates and events . Some of these incidents are strongly reflect to a past which we all consider as dark and blurred . But you see , people enjoy such stories all the time no matter whether it is from 16th century or 21st century . Am I right ? What do you mean by enjoyment ? I was wondering whether our conversation was taking a different turn . I mean , a kind of sensation or pleasure an unusual incident or story can contribute something new to bring to ones own boring day today affairs . He explained . I couldn 't believe my eyes . In front of me on the table was a body part which I saw as an identification mark on the dead man 's forehead , a bulge . It looked like real skin . Watching my expression Rohit Agarwall laughed at me and said you were asking me the details of the man who died in front of you . I can tell you each and every moment of his life in detail . That is me ! I was shocked and completely collapsed by this terrible truth . Was all that I witnessed last night a performance ? All that suffering and pain was a deliberate creation ? I was forcing myself to believe but could not digest the idea . You mean that you were the one who died in front of me ? Did you see me when I took the photographs ? Yes , he said . I was watching you since you got inside the park and hiding behind the tree . Then you came out with a dead face . When you took the photographs your hands were shivering , am I right ? So what was that all for ? To make me a fool ? For what reason ' ? I tried to suppress my anger . I had never been in such a difficult situation in my life before . He could understand my feeling at that moment , with an artificial coolness in his tone he said , that is what I told you before , to create a real incident . All that you see in front of you was created by us , a group who dedicated their work and creativity for the millions who live in the cities . We are in an organization who works for creating sensational news and events . My head was filled with questions . What kind of organization is this ? Just to begin with I asked , what is the purpose of this organization ? Rohit Aggarwal kept silent for a moment then said . Life is filled with the boredom of day to day routines . To get out of it , one needs events . In this time a story or a novel fails to satisfy the need of the contemporary psyche . So , one looks for real incidents . Our work begins with this super realistic approach of sensational stories . Though it is a very important question I am not supposed to disclose all what is behind our operation . One thing I can tell you that the decision of an incident could be a collective one or an individual one . Then we evaluate those ideas to see how different it is from the normal crime stories . Then we do a little research on how to materialise it . That of course is a real challenge when you demand super perfection . For example in this case we have been observing you for a while to set up the event close to you . All that was happening from your side was absolutely natural as we expected . So we consider this as a very successful one . How do you choose people for it ? What was the reason to involve me in it ? For the simple reason that you work in a newspaper and you are a good photographer as well . In some cases we have to become a reporter or a photographer . In this case you did everything for us . Choosing people is not a big deal . We never appoint anybody for anything . We work through the situations and find our people in that process like the way we found you . I was very curious to know how big this organisation was . Does it only work in Delhi ? Since how long has this been working like this ? I can 't tell you exactly when it is started . But I can tell you that the entire incident you remembered from the past was created by this organization . Then with a smile he said don 't think that this is a small group based only in Delhi . We have our network all over the world . ( Then he gave some examples of their perfect operations in Italy . I made a little research about these stories and collected some materials when I reached here . ) One was about a 16 year old girl and her boyfriend that killed her mother and brother . He said that it worked at a better level than they imagined . Because they could even create more layers on the surface of the first story . The girl accused the boy after they did the murder . Where as the boy told to the police , she told him that if he loves her , hit her mother . Such internal complexities sometimes appear as natural outcomes of the first created incident . In another case , which happened in 1996 , some young people started throwing stones from one bridge on the road to kill people . This has also been done very successfully . The news appeared in the front page of all the newspapers in Italy . One of the most interesting events created in Italy was in 1994 . This was created with a long term collaborations and a lot of networking . This was about a white car which has become a vehicle of murder . Rohit said few of this incident they really created and rest of the stories were collected and edited by the famous reporters to support the incidents . Then later they gave a twist to the story when they declared that the gang leader of the murder was a police officer . This has long been a sensational thriller for the people . With all my amusement and still quiet a lot of confusion I asked him my last question . What if I write all these conversations in the paper and reveal the truth ? With glittering eyes Rohit replied , if you write anything what we have discussed here that will become another sensational story for us . Of course you will get the full credit for it . Do it . He looked at the watch and said he had an appointment with somebody .
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My daughter is 13 years old . Her father and I are divorced , we are doing our best to co - parent but it is very difficult . She lives with her father . I miss my little girl ! She is disrespectful to me and her father , uses vulgar language , she makes the " plans " for the weekend . When I tell her we are going to go do something she always says she can 't because she has plans with her friends . I have lost all control of her and she runs the show . How can we , her parents , regain the respect ? We want to be good parents but we have had that taken away from us by a 13 year old girl . Please contact me . Thank - You for your time , S . T . ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' Hi S . , I really want to do whatever will be in your best interest . Thus , the best advice I can give you at this point ( since you just joined yesterday ) is to simply work through the four - week program . Only do one session per week - nothing more ! If we try to implement a bunch of new parenting changes too quickly , it will backfire . I 'm not trying to avoid answering your questions . However , since the question you listed in your email will be answered directly in the eBook ( mostly in the Online Version ) , and since the program is designed to take baby - steps toward change , I would encourage you to resist your impulse to leap through the program in search of the " magic bullet . " Instead , enjoy the process of working through each session - one session at a time . The results you so desperately desire will come independent of your striving for them . Patience is " key " right now . Rest assured , you WILL get the answers you need to be successful with this program , but when the timing is right . I want to save you from rushing into things , and then failing . Are you o . k . with this for now ? Your daughter is 13 - years - old - - it has taken 13 years for the problems to get to this point . So it is going to take at least a few weeks to get the problems reversed . We must implement change gradually because change is tough . People don 't like change , and kids will totally reject parenting changes if tNo comments : Hi S ___, == > Please look for my responses throughout your email below . Hi Mark I wanted to get some final advice from you relative to my soon to be 18 year old son . Your website advise was great and the personality traits you explain have been dead on . I think we learned this a bit late in the game though . We are at the point where it is highly unlikely that he will graduate . He continues to say he will be able to graduate but continues to go out with friends at night rather than focus on school . We have not planned for any grad events and I do admit to feeling guilty as this should be such a wonderful time of his life . Question One : What should our attitude be toward grad ? We know his work is not done to graduate and yet he insists he will be fine . He even wants to get a suit this week - end ? = = > The more you take responsibility for your son 's academics , the less responsibility he will take . The problem is an ownership problem . Let go of ownership of your son 's education . This problem belongs to your son . When you give up ownership , your son will have to make a choice - he 'll have to decide if he will or will not accept ownership of his education . And he 'll lose the power of pushing your education buttons , to frustrate and worry you . Out - of - control teens intentionally perform poorly to push their parents ' buttons . Often parents are in a never - ending cycle of their kid 's sabotage . Since parents are continuously telling their kids how important an education is , their kids use this information to anger them . The more parents try , the less out - of - control kids work . Many people who are successful in life performed poorly in school . Your son is not going to end up sitting on the street corner with a tin can waiting for coins to be handed him from sympathetic passersby . Get rid of the fear that poor school performance will damage his future . When he decides it 's time to succeed , he will . I 've never meet a kid yet that didn 't realize - at some point - that he at least needed to get a GED . He has his car a cell phone No comments : Hi Mark - me again from Australia . I have a question about consequences . Anna has been particularly difficult of late and has received two consequences for disrespect and rudeness . I took her favourite toy away for 3 days and then her portable DVD player for 3 days . The rudeness has continued and after giving her another warning yesterday ( she 'd been telling me to shut - up when I was talking to her ) . I told her if she continued , she couldn 't go and stay at her Nanna 's for the weekend as had been planned . She became very upset ( sobbing and yelling ) and asked me to change the consequence but I said no . The problem I have is that I feel like her Nanna will miss out on seeing her and perhaps I should have thought of something else . My husband wasn 't home and he is cross ' cause it 's his mother ! Can she earn back the right to go or do I have to carry this through ? Thanks Mark , L . ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' Great question . Answer : You must carry this through . Let me say this again , you must carry this through . When parents issue a discipline , and then later retract it , the child 's misbehavior is reinforced , thus he / she will continue to push the parent the same way again in the future . You found a wonderful consequence by the way … your daughter really values seeing her Nanna . Now does Nanna suffer as a result of this consequence ? Well , " suffer " is a big word . All family members have a responsibility to a solution to the problems . Better that all family members , including Nanna and your husband , experience some short - term , minor pain now rather than long - term , major pain later . Mark ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' Thanks Mark , I 've spoken to A ___ 's Nanna and she is fine with no visit and carrying through the consequence . Thank you for telling me I 'd done the right thing - it gets very hard as a parent and your support and non - judgmental attitude are much appreciated by me . L . Online Parent Support We are at a loss as to what to do with our son . He refused to go to school in 8th grade . Too much to that story to even begin to tell . Now at the end of 10th grade he is doing the same thing . He is passing right now . He wants expensive things … says things like if you lease an expensive car I 'll go to school . Embarrassed by us , we don 't have enough money , big screen tv and such . We froze his cell phone and took away the computer hoping to motivate him . He said he was going to go to school tomorrow , but now that we did that … forget it . He says he hates us and is going to get a full time job and never go back to school . We explained there is not a big job market for newly 16 year old high school drop outs . Please help ASAP the last days of school are ticking away , with the first final tomorrow . The rest of the finals to start June 12 . Sometimes teens who were previously able to attend school regularly will suddenly become anxious and fearful . A recent crisis in the community or the family ( such as a death , divorce , financial problems , move , etc . ) may cause a teen to become fearful or anxious . Some teens fear that something terrible will happen at home while they are at school . Teens who are struggling in school with academic or social problems may also refuse to attend school . Many teens have social concerns and may have been teased or bullied at school or on the way to school . Some neighborhoods or schools are unsafe or chaotic . Still other teens prefer to stay home because they can watch TV , have parental attention , and play rather than work in school . Teens who are transitioning ( e . g . , from middle school to high school ) may feel very stressed . All of these factors may lead to the development of school refusal / avoidance . If complaints of illness are the excuse for not attending school , have your son checked by your doctor . If there is no medical reason to be absent , your son should be at school . Attempt to discover if there is a specific problem causing the refusal . Sometimes the teen feels relief just by expressing concerns about friends or school expectations . If your son is able to pinpoint a specific concern ( such as worry about tests , teasing , etc . ) , then immediately talk to his teacher about developing an appropriate plan to solve the problem . Some common sense strategies to try include having another family member bring him to school , or if he does stay home - then rewards such as snacking , TV , toys or parental attention should be eliminated . A school schedule may be duplicated at home . However , if he is extremely upset , if he needs to be forced to attend school , if there is significant family stress , or if the refusal to attend school is becoming habitual , don 't hesitate in asking for assistance from the school psychologist , school counselor or other mental health professionals . Treatment depends upon the causes , which can be difficult to determine . Many children may have started to avoid school for one reason ( e . g . , fear of being disciplined by a teacher , feeling socially inadequate ) but are now staying home for another reason ( e . g . , access to video games , lack of academic pressure , etc . ) . Several treatment plans may need to be tried . Helping your son to relax , develop better coping skills , improve social skills , using a contract and getting help with parenting or family issues are all examples of possible treatments . Mark Hutten , M . A . Recently I became the recipient of a $ 720 phone bill , courtesy of my 15 year old daughter , A ___ . After confronting A ___ about her phone usage I asked her to give me her phone . She refused and a short while later left the house , presumably to gather her wits . A short while later my wife noticed my car was missing . My daughter had taken my car ! My daughter does not have a driver 's permit or insurance . A short time later my daughter called us from her friend 's house , about 5 miles away . She was safe , and so was the car . In the meantime we had called the police . We knew she had to face consequences for her actions . The police officer explained that we had several choices on how to proceed with a juvenile ( after bringing her home ) : 2 . Write her tickets for Driving Without a License , Driving without Insurance , Car Theft , and Breech of Trust . I would have to pay those tickets . 4 . Declare her an Incorrigible Child and give up our rights as parents . 5 . Have the officers talk to A ___ and then leave the consequences up to us as parents . = = > First of all , you don 't lose your rights as parents if your daughter if found to be incorrigible ( not in the U . S . anyway ) . Second , if this is the first time your daughter has gone off the deep end like this , then you made a good decision by picking number 5 . But - and this is a huge but - if this is not her first time , you made a huge mistake . We chose option 5 . The officers did a great job scaring A ___ : If they had to come out to the house again ( this was the third time ) she would be taken to jail . They wanted to take her then , but we convinced the officers to leave her with us . ( a couple white lies , but the talk was brilliant ! ) A ___ apologized profusely about two hours later . What are appropriate consequences for such criminal behavior ? I 've placed controls on A ___ 's phone so she can only text or call voicemail or family members . She is grounded , but can have friends over and go outside as long as they stay in or close to home . A ___ must perform special chores around the house to pay for her part of the phone bill . I don 't want A ___ to get her driver 's permit until she 's 17 ( she is obviously immature and untrustworthy ) . = = > This all sounded good until now . Remember , our # 1 goal as parents is to " foster the development of self - reliance . " The question should be , " Will withholding her driver 's permit foster self - reliance - or dependency . " Clearly it will foster dependency ( i . e . , somebody will have to drive her to the places she needs to go ) . My wife wants to lift the grounding and phone restrictions after one week . From the MOOCT book you said that punishments longer than a week are ineffective . Is this a case where more severe consequences are appropriate ? What do you recommend ? Mark , First of all , thank you for the phone conversation last week , regarding our son J ___ coming home this Friday from " Juvie " . One question I meant to ask you was , do we implement one session per week or all at once ? My thought is there needs to be strong expectations ( which we did do with him last week in person ) right from the start . How would be the best way to do this ? We have let him know how consequences will work . I am somewhat nervous or anxious about him coming home since it has been 4 months . Part of my anxiousness is that if he messes up and doesn 't follow his conditions , there is no going to court and waiting - he would have a warrant and would go back immediately and then they would decide if he gets a second chance or serve out the rest of his time or more depending on what the breach of his condition is . ( I know I need to separate myself somewhat emotionally and it 's hard . ) We have told him our home cannot be the way it was before and he doesn 't want the " war zone " either . As I said to you last week , he 's telling us he does want to make changes . We also have told him that we are making changes as well . However , he still wants to hang with some of the peers he had before - however not all of them . Still these ones are into pot smoking - how much control do I put on him . [ On another note : ] I 'm not entirely sure how to handle this situation . I was talking to my son tonight by phone ( he 's only allowed a 10 minute phone call ) and he 's looking forward to coming home . In our conversation , he told me he has about $ 45 in his account ( at the young offenders centre ) . We once in awhile would put money in his account for toiletries , snacks , haircut . When my husband and I visited him the weekend prior to this past weekend , we asked him if he had any money left in his account and he said no , he spent it on some toiletries and snacks . ( Now I feel like an idiot … I guess we should have checked if he had any money left before we put more money in . ) At that time we offered to put in $ 15 to last the next 2 weeks . No comments : " I 've been following your program for a couple months , seeing steady improvement . But here are my problems we can 't seem to get by . . . my husband and I both work full time and there is about 3 - 4 hrs of time our 15 yo son is by himself , so if a grounding punishment is needed , how do we enforce it ? Also do we punish for bad behavior at school when he is monitored already through the truancy system ? " One option is tell your son that you will be placing random phone calls to the home via the landline ( if you don 't have a landline - - get one ! ) . If he does not pick up the phone when you do your check - in , then he chooses to be grounded for a longer period of time when you are home to monitor the grounding . With this method , there must be a zero - tolerance for him not answering the phone . For example , you call … he does not answer . The next time you call , he answers and says he was in the bathroom when you called earlier . Too bad . He just picked a stiffer consequence . Another option is to suspend the grounding until a time in which you are home . For example , on a Wednesday he is told that he is grounded for one evening with no phone privileges . You suspend the consequence until the weekend . So instead of being grounded on a Wednesday , you ground him on Saturday . When he is grounded for more than two days , you may have to issue a split - sentence . For example , let 's say you are only available on the weekends to make sure he follows through with the grounding - and he was issued a 3 - day discipline . In this case , he can do two days one weekend and the other day the following weekend . My son lives with me in Illinois … he is 16 yrs old . His dad lives in Indiana . T __ sees his dad about 4 times per year , but talks regularly on the phone with him . T __ recently saw his dad and has become depressed about not seeing him often and admitted to drinking alcohol and smoking pot to relieve his anxiety about school tests and missing his dad . I made an appt . for a counselor , but in the meantime his dad called the parents of T __ 's friends and told them that T __ and probably their children were also abusing drugs and alcohol . Now those parents want to know if T __ is a drug dealer and don 't want T __ around their kids . My question is , was this a reasonable course of action to take ? And if T __ says he will not drink or smoke until he is 21 yrs . old , should I believe him and monitor his behavior closely ? ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' Hi G . , Re : . . . was this a reasonable course of action to take ? Since T __ admitted to marijuana and alcohol abuse , I would say yes . Re : . . . should I believe him and monitor his behavior closely ? This may sound harsh , but you should NOT believe him . I 'm sure he 's pulled the wool over your eyes more than you 'll ever know ( or would care to know ) . And yes , you should monitor his behavior very closely . Please refer to " Emails From Exasperated Parents " [ Session # 4 ] . I address drug and alcohol abuse in more detail there . Stay in touch , MarkOnline Parent Support after finishing session one and reviewing the assignments , i am confused as to what to do w / the poker face and fair fighting strategies . What i understood was that i am to implement the poker face immediately and not respond ( feed ) his intensity seeking and look for times when he is behaving great and turn on the intensity then w / praise . Also , the fair fighting . . . . " when xyz . . . . i have a problem w / . . . etc . - crime / pos reframe , problem solve together " - is that also to go into effect now ? i did begin both this week ( as soon as i read them ) and now tonight i see only the " nurturing " assignments offered . Am i to do all the ones i stated above ? Am i on the right track ? Yes . Begin using the " Fair Fighting " strategy as needed . Also , you may want to draft a parent - child contract ( this is discussed in Session # 1 assignments as well ) . It 's good to be online with parent support . We are currently working our way through Week # 1 and there is a lot to digest . I have a question already - I work on a Fri in a hospital and I have to drop my daughter at school by 0800hrs ( before - school care ) or I 'm late for work . I cannot get her up , dressed and fed without a huge fight and find it hard to keep a Poker Face on these Fri mornings . Any other morning when she refuses to co - operate I can leave it up to the school to enforce their " Late Consequences " but I cannot be late for work . Some mornings if I let her she wouldn 't go to school at all . . . I can see how I 've become part of the Dependency Cycle as I will offer to help her dress as it 's so much quicker . You need to be firm with her . Don 't count on the problem going away if you ignore it . However , don 't be angry with her as her anxiety and distress are real . You need to find out what is troubling her . It could be school phobia ( a fear of school ) , separation anxiety ( fear of leaving you or the home ) or agoraphobia ( fear of crowds and public places ) . These are all very real disorders . If someone is bullying , teasing , embarrassing , or abusing her , then it could be the first diagnosis . Talk to her teachers to find out what they know and to inform them of your experiences with your daughter . Assume that your child is physically well and needs to go to school . Keep assuring her firmly and confidently that she 'll be fine ( and so will you ) once she arrives . If she still claims of physical ailments , you have two options : First , get her to school unless you determine that she truly is sick . In that case she would be running a fever , or have nausea and / or diarrhea , etc . If she just tells you she doesn 't feel well , that isn 't enough to let her stay home . Adults often go to work with uncomfortable symptoms . The second option is to believe her . Since she says she is too unwell to go to school , then clearly she is too unwell to be up and about the house . If she is sick then she is sick , and so she goes to bed : lights off , curtains closed , no TV , no special snacks . Ignore her and go about your normal daily routine . Make sure that the option of staying home is boring . If she is not sleeping then , ideally she should be doing some schoolwork . Certainly there should be no friends or visitors to entertain her . You can also establish some rewards for going to school . Be firm and remain calm . Let her know that you expect her to go to school , but don 't argue with her if she resists . The goal her is for her to want to go back to school . Once she goes and finds out that she 's fine , her previous symptoms should disappear . Sleep Tips For Children 5 - 12 - · Prepare the room for sleep - - remove or put away toys that are associated with daytime activities , little or no light is ideal and be sure the room is cool and quiet . · Let your child have a transitional object to go to sleep with like a doll or stuffed toy - - his association with this object will aid sleep . · Avoid late night activities that can increase your child 's adrenalin . · Avoid frightening movies and video games close to bedtime . · Avoid excessive drinking before bed so that your child is not tempted to wake up to go to the bathroom . · A light nighttime snack can be helpful like cheese or milk - - both contain tryptophan , an amino acid that aids sleep . · A bedtime routine should be very regimented - - the body likes consistency and the brain does too . Sleep Tips For Teens 13 - 18 - · Physical activity should be avoided close to bedtime - - exercise five hours before sleep can be helpful but exercise too close to bedtime can be a stimulant and inhibit a good night 's sleep . · Bedtime should be consistent - - read something 10 - 15 minutes before bed , or take a bath / shower . · Avoid stimulating activity like video games , computers and television in the bedroom . Mark , J ___ is being released from youth custody on May 30 ( he 's been gone for 4 months ) into our custody for a 2 month community supervision order . I have read your e - book for the last 3 months probably reviewed it completely twice and reviewed certain sections a few times . Myself and my husband have listened to the CD 's twice and keep on replaying them while we 're driving . I am determined to do things differently when he comes home . We have made a detailed " Expectations and Respect " rules for our home that we went over with J ___ this past Friday at the centre with a staff present . J ___ 's comment was its not really any different just clearer . I have said to J ___ that I 've made mistakes and am committed to changing some parenting strategies , and have actually used some - my husband too . Of course , he hasn 't been at home for us to practice a lot and that will all change next Friday . . . and I 'm looking forward to doing things differently , and I have to admit am a little anxious about him coming home . E . W . My Out - of - Control Teen Mark Hutten , You completely rock ! ! I am only on Week # 1 , and I am already seeing a change . I am so impressed with your web site . I keep finding more and more good , helpful stuff ! Thank you and your staff so much ! May God bless you and you help us one child at a time to stop the insanity of out of control kids . ~ ocianaOnline Parent Support Hi C . , Please look for these arrows throughout your email below : == > Mark , Perhaps the answers to these are in future lessons in the course . If so , please point the way . If not , I 'd be grateful for your insights . . . . 1 ) Is my child being a jerk or does he really not know how to read situations and respond appropriately ? Is he lacking some sensitivity / awareness skills ( brain cells ) that tell would otherwise clue him in that he 's being completely out of line ? = = > Children with " Oppositional Defiant Disorder tendencies " do have great trouble empathizing ( i . e . , putting themselves in some else 's shoes ; understanding how others may be hurt or inconvenienced ) . Is he manipulating us or is he really not ( yet ) capable of assessing situations and behaving appropriately ? I never know whether he 's " yanking my chain " or whether he really is somehow incapable of " getting it . " = = > Both . He 's not sure what you want ( yet ) , but he knows what he wants - so he tries to manipulate you into getting what he wants . 2 ) Can / should we expect an apology for hurtful ( disrespectful , aggressive ) behavior ? Or is the consequence ( in this case , our refusal to take him to his tennis lesson ) " enough " ? = = > A consequence is enough ! 3 ) I am having a physical reaction to being in ( or anticipating being in ) my son 's presence . I feel tense / fearful , often have " butterflies " in my stomach , and am always on the verge of tears . What should I do ? Get counseling ? Avoid him ? Something else ? = = > Get counseling ? Maybe . Avoid him ? Yes , whenever you feel like you cannot ( a ) show a lack of emotion when things are going wrong , ( b ) put on your poker face , or ( c ) avoid reacting to his button pushing . 4 ) We are working through your online course / e - book . Is the whole solution in our approach to our son ? = = > Most definitely . Or is there some therapy work he should be doing as well ? = = > Therapy is just another traditional parenting strategy that has little - if no - positive effect , and in some cases it makes a bad problem worse . It feels very one - sided at thNo comments : Hi J . , Please look for these arrows throughout your email : ==> Hi Mark , I am writing today because we seem to be going backwards and not forwards with the grounding effectiveness . Since the beginning of April we have been implementing groundings and I would have thought by now that they would be having some effect . Meaning that the teenager would be getting the message . Let me help you understand what is happening . The groundings have been around disrespect , spearing , defiance , annoying ( big time ! ) and attitude ! ! ! = = > " Disrespect , defiance , annoying and attitude " are all very vague terms that could mean anything . He is an only child . We start with a 1 - day grounding say for showing disrespect . = = > If I were to video tape him being disrespectful , what would I see ? Is he using a particular cuss word ? Is he throwing something across the room ? That grounding turns into a 3 day grounding within a few minutes because this child will not close his mouth , will not stop what he is doing and becomes irate and extremely angry to the point that he wants to hurt us or our things ! = = > O . K . You are probably going to be a bit irritated with me now - but again , these are all very vague descriptions of behavior ( i . e . , “… will not close his mouth … will not stop doing what he is doing " ) . I 'm guessing that he probably has NO clear idea of exactly what he needs to do differently giving your loose description of the behavior . That grounding is then re - started at least 3 more times over the next couple of days because this child just doesn 't get it ! The light is not coming on ! During the groundings the teenager is always bordering on having the grounding constantly restarted . And once he comes off the grounding there is usually only a couple of days before he is grounded again . He has had 4 groundings in the space of 6 weeks . - Each of them lasting about 5 days each . Not only that but the groundings do not seem to be helping him to see that it is his actions that is causing him to be grounded and in fact sometimes the grou1 comment : Mark , HELP ! ! My daughter , aged 15 , causes extreme stress on our family every morning . She refuses to get out of bed to go to school . I wake her at 6 : 00am , again at 6 : 15 and again at 6 : 30 . She slowly wakes up , then begins to scream and cuss at me for waking him up . I tell her I am just waking her up to get ready for school … she continues to yell obscenities at me for waking her up . We are late to school almost every day . I am a complete nervous wreck by the time we leave the house . Today , she flat - out refused to go to school and stayed in the car sleeping . I finally just went to work and left her in the car . She awoke at noon and continued to verbally abuse me because she was hungry and was angry at me for waking her up . I just don 't know what to do any more . T . ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' Hi T . , Teens can behave in this manner for a variety of reasons . Your daughter may display a mood disorder … she may display what is called a conduct disorder ( i . e . , a serious personality disorder ) … or she may have some learning disorder , now culminating in school refusal after years of struggling with school and developing a negative perception of school . Whatever the reason ( s ) for the behavior , she is in need of help . One course to pursue is an evaluation by a mental health clinician , who can help you and him make sense of the situation and plan accordingly . Another course , depending on where you live , is to approach the local court for assistance via what , in many jurisdictions , is called a Child In Need Of Services ( CHINS ) petition . This process is designed to address truancy by building in services and allowing the court to underscore the necessity to attend school and to support your authority in this regard . Another course is to approach the school district and request an evaluation of the need for special services , in light of your daughter 's response to school . Whatever you do , put some of your energy into seeking help . Otherwise , you may likely go on battling with your daughter indefinitely , with no gain . MarkOnline Parent Support Thank you . Thank you . Thank you . I 've just spent the last several hours going back over lesson # 1 . It 's as though you 've been in my house and in my head and in my heart . This is the first time I 've ever felt that anyone really understood our daily struggle . Our son has been difficult since he was born . This is not " adolescence " . I 'm very much a can - do , problem - solver person and , as you 've helped me see , I need to let go of that . I 'm working through the grieving process , mourning the lost dreams of the child I will never have … same for getting through the shame and guilt and embarrassment . I 'm nowhere close on these things . I hope desperately that I can figure out how to get there because this emotional roller coaster is hell . I 'm sure I 'll write again . Right now things seem pretty dark but your videos and web site have at least helped me understand that I don 't deserve this and it 's not my fault . Thanks again , C . ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' Hi C . , I am glad to hear that you are giving yourself permission to take fewer burdens upon yourself as well as coming to the realization that your son 's behavior is NOT a reflection on your parenting ability . Appropriate parenting can be ineffective . Why ? Because your child , by one of the laws of the universe , can CHOOSE to follow your good guidance and influence - or he can CHOOSE to reject it . This doesn 't mean you failed as a parent . It does mean , however , that you son is a work in progress and has a lot of growing up to do . He will " arrive " when the timing is right - and not a minute sooner . MarkOnline Parent Support Unlike the articles we write for parents and teachers , we don 't have to give you a course in blogging basics . As a teen , you 've probably visited your share of blogs or " spaces , " and there 's a good chance you may have your own blog . If so , congratulations . Even adults like us who have some concerns about bloggers ' safety and privacy applaud the fact that teens are increasingly taking advantage of the Internet 's great communications tools . Millions of teenagers maintain their own blogs . In fact , a study done at Georgetown University shows that more than half of all blogs are maintained by people 13 - 19 . So let 's talk about safety and privacy . As you know , when you 're online you 're out in public , and that 's definitely true if you have a blog that 's accessible to anyone on the Net . We don 't need to tell you that there are creeps out there who might want to jeopardize your personal safety or steal your or your family 's money . It 's just a sad fact of life on the Net . Federal law - enforcement people confirm that online predators are very interested in teen blogging . That 's why some of the blogging services have privacy features that let you control who can access your blog . And that 's what this is about - giving you control . Check with your service to see what types of restrictions you can put on your blog and use them . In most cases it is possible to communicate with your friends or your friends ' friends without having to open yourself up to the entire Internet . One of the nice things about blogs is that you can post just about anything . But just because you can post anything doesn 't mean you should . Remember , anything you post can not only be seen by others but can easily be copied and stored . So , what you post can be held against you . Something that seems very cool right now may not seem so cool two or three years from now , when you 're sending around applications for schools or jobs . So think just a bit about your future before you post that incendiary comment or that inappropriateNo comments : Thanks so much for your reply . I was thinking of calling you today . Your 2 assumptions are 100 % correct . The Xbox is new in our home ( long story of resistance by the parents , son earned the money to purchase it ) . The privilege will be tied at least in part to grades ( or at least effort in school ) next year . By the time the XBox arrived in our home , the grades were too far gone to be salvaged for this year . Looking back , we should have insisted , as you suggest , that he at least spend time on school work , rather than insisting that he bring his grades up - which was utterly futile and only added fuel to the fire . As it stands now , he is limited to 1 hour / day on school days and 2 hours / day on non - school days , and chores must be done first . His daily chores are to walk his dog and wash up the evening dinner dishes ( we have no dishwasher ) . This part is working OK . In total he spends about 45 minutes per day on these chores . So in that sense , he is earning his Xbox privilege . However , he has had those two chores for several years , so there is not a clear connection between them and the Xbox . They are simply his chores . They 're expected and they 're done . We just don 't have any sort of handle on the school situation . He has an IQ of 146 and scored a 32 on the ACT as a sophomore , but doesn 't give a hang about school . It 's all " beneath him " . Since he is already doing chores ( and he works 10 - 15 hours / week as a cook at Pizza Hut ) , does that mean we should " back off " and not be so wound up about his attitude toward school ? [ Also , it may be helpful to know that he has a " borderline " diagnosis of ADD and of ODD . His executive function skills are very poor and he also previously an LD label for dysgraphia ( we think we shouldn 't have allowed that to be de - classified . ] Re : Since he is already doing chores ( and he works 10 - 15 hours / week as a cook at Pizza Hut ) , does that mean we should " back off " and not be so wound up about his attitude toward school ? Absolutely . Let go of ownership of your son 's poor academic performance . As long as you take responsibility for it - he won 't ! Conversely , the less responsibility you take , the more he will take . I understand that I need to let go of micro - managing my son 's academic progress ( which is , predictably , poor ) . How do I reconcile this with allowing my son to do what he enjoys ( e . g . , playing XBox ) when it 's clear he 's shirking his schoolwork responsibilities ? If I 'm not to be on top of his homework and grades , do I then allow him to enjoy what he wants , in spite of poor academic performance ? First , what does your son do to earn Xbox privileges ? Remember , ALL privileges must be earned . In this way , you are not " allowing " ( i . e . , a free handout of privilege ) him to do anything - he is earning the privilege for himself . Next , we don 't want to " micro - manage " schoolwork - but we don 't want to reward lack of effort either . Thus , set aside a one - hour chunk of time ( e . g . , 4 : 00 - 5 : 00 PM ) that is either " homework time " or " chore time . " Then let your son decide what he wants to do with that hour . He can do chores or schoolwork , or some combination thereof . In the event he refuses to do either , then revert to the 3 - day - discipline outlined in the eBook . Hi K . , Please look for the arrows throughout your email : ==> On Tue , May 13 , 2008 at 6 : 57 AM , K ___ wrote : Hello . I purchased your e - book this morning and am excited to hopefully have found the tools I need to get back in control of my home , which has revolved around my oldest daughter , now 13 , for years . I 'm not sure where to find the videos on the online version you reference in your email . Please tell me where I can find these . = = > Here 's the link back to your original download site : My Out - of - Control Teen : eBook Download SiteWhen you get to that page , click where it reads Click Here to access the Online Version of the eBook . Also , is it possible for this program to work when only one parent in the home is committed to this ? My husband firmly believes this program is allowing her too much leniency . He has said he will take a completely " hands off " attitude with Amanda ( our daughter ) and allow me to try this program , but I am afraid his negative attitude towards it will only give her ammunition to use against me , and that , like so many other things I have tried , this too will fail . = = > Yes it is very possible . However , a weaker plan support by both parents is much better than a stronger plan supported by only one parent . I can 't fail again when it comes to regaining control . I 'm at my wit 's end . More days than not , I find myself wishing I could just run away and leave her for her dad to deal with . But I don 't . I love her and keep trying every day to work with her . I 'm a stay - at - home mom and her dad works 12 hour days and only sees her a few minutes a day . It is so frustrating to be told day in and day out that I 'm doing it all wrong when he can 't even deal with her the little bit of time he spends with her ! So , please , if it is going to require BOTH me and her dad to work this program , tell me now so I can try to find another alternative . = = > I would also suggest that you and your husband divide up areas of responsibility and agree beforehand which one of you will have the final word in each particular area . You canNo comments : Dear Mark Thank you for your insight and for the help you offer . My daughter has problems with " school refusal " . She is 15 and in ninth grade and we are in the last month of school . She has missed so much school and is now behind in her work with the threat of not getting credit for the year 's work . She has been in a mental health facility for evaluation , ( last week - - for seven days ) getting new meds for severe depression , and getting her diabetes ( high blood sugars ) under control . ( she has had diabetes since age 2 ) . When Monday came around and it was expected of her to return to school ( after two full weeks of absences ) she would not get out of bed ( again . . . same repeated behavior as before . . . . . . . . . and then she sleeps all day for days ) . I went to the school and met with counselors , teachers , administrator etc and they have been very generous by sending home all of her work to complete at home - - just to finish out the month of May and get her credits . This is a wonderful generous offer from the school and now she will not have to attend school except to take tests . So when I ( awakended ) her and presented her with the good news of permission to finish the next three weeks on her own , she mumbled something and managed to get out of bed . I told her she could come up with her own plan of study by making a daily schedule to follow . ( she thrives on structure ; but she wants to make her schedule so I gave her that choice so she could feel that she had some control of the home study . ( She has a time limit on making up work placed by the school . . . . so time is of the essence ) When I returned to the living room she was in front of the TV and I reminded her that she needed to be productive and get busy , and she said " not now " and kept watching TV . I told her she had to turn off the TV and get started with her school work , even if just planning her study sessions . She said , " I can start tomorrow " and ignored me . Well , I don 't think she should be the one to decide " when " to start school with her being so behind . I got the TV cNo comments : Dear Mark , I 've watched and started implementing Week One Tutorials & Assignments . My problem has been specifically that I discovered my 16 , almost 17 year old daughter has been having sex with just anybody and posting intimate pictures of herself on the internet and inviting men to contact her for sex . She now has a boyfriend ( he doesn 't know what she 's been up to and is more innocent than she is ) . I fear is also engaging in sexual activity with him . She first had sex at 15 when she went away with a friend and her parents on holiday . This was the first time she 'd ever been allowed away and I had trusted that this family would watch out for her as I would have watched out for their daughter . When she came home , she 'd got involved with a very unpleasant 19 year old ( only in the last 3 days of a 6 day holiday ) . I had to try to put a stop to it , which I thought I 'd done , but today she left her computer on , and I saw a recent message from him . She denied sex with him at the time , and was so convincing , I actually felt guilty for doubting her . Had I known then , I would have gone to the police , but the police won 't want to know now , especially as she 's no longer an innocent . Interestingly enough , all her friends thought he was hideous and certainly didn 't admire her for going with him . I only recently discovered all this , and was shocked , angry and despairing and told her that she came close to being thrown out for trashing the values of this family . I 'm a stay at home mum and have been married 25 years to her father . I initially took away the computer for a week and then she said she wouldn 't misuse it anymore and only go on Facebook where she can only be contacted by friends . I now suspect this might also be a lie , since discovering the latest message . Then I found your site and I realise I 've been an over - indulgent parent and she 's a textbook case of an over - indulged kid , except that she has low self - esteem , as she 's carrying about 42lbs more than she should . I 'm encouraging her to lose this by taking her exercising , buNo comments : I need major help . I prayed to God , read the bible and have been even studying the bible with a Jehovah witness ( not that I understand the religion at all ) . My point is my oldest daughter , N ___ was arrested today ( day before mothers day , go figure that one ) for shoplifting a sports store . Come to find out this wasn 't the first time . She went to Winco ( grocery store ) and was caught stealing with a girlfriend top roman and gum . They were let go to someone posing as their mother . I am going to file charges against this women when I find her . Also her friend gave them my last as hers . This friend and my daughter are bad news together and the girl already has had problems with the law as well is mother of a 11 month old at age 17 . Her mother keeps threatening her that is going to file custody of her grandson . Sorry , back to my daughter , N ___ - She tells my husband and I that we are to strict on her and that is part of why she keeps doing what she has been doing . We let her go into Independent studies and start cosmetology school through an ROP program . I wonder if this was my first mistake . I had a hard but was convinced with the support of the counselor and psychologist at her high school that it would work for her to transfer to Independence high school where she would go to school once a week , then go to cosmetology the rest of the week plus work and make time for getting home work packets done . This also meant my husband and getting another car so N ___ could drive back and forth to beauty college in another town . She was given a lot of trust and I thought this would be good for her since she is a natural at doing hair already and she doesn 't want to go to college after high school . We made a deal that she would work hard since she wanted to become a cosmetologist sooner than later . I thought it would give her something she would work hard at and make good . I was wrong , she got mixed up with the wrong person and is on a destruction path . My husband said he knew and worried that her going to Cosmo school and all woulNo comments : My mother had purchased your CD 's to help aid in the raising of my nephew ( 8 ) S and my niece ( 17 ) P . They were taken from their home due to neglect . It was in deplorable condition . Simply unfit to live . They were in foster care for 2 years , and now they are with me . I am their legal guardian . S has attachment disorder , oppositional defiant , been diagnosed with ADHD . I am trying to implement your ideas & strategies for some successes . The Dr , teachers , principal and I finally decided to try some medicine . At first , 10 mg medadate ( sp ) , did not seem to change anything . We now have him on 20 mg Adderall RX . " S urinated in the corner of the restroom . He told the truth and admitted it . ( It could not have been an accident . It was far back in the corner and the stool was dry ) . " I thought being with family would be better than another foster home or someone adopting . I am a career woman and this changed my world dramatically . I am very grateful God gives us a new day every day , because some of these days are very long and the feeling of hopelessness comes over me . But as the morning sun comes up , I feel refreshed , energized and seek more wisdom from God and other resources to " do the best parenting I can for these two children " . As human beings , we all want to feel we have some control over our lives - - and if we don 't , we 'll find a way to get it . People of all ages have the same basic needs . Offering a child a choice is powerful ! When they 're very young , say two or three years old we can show them two plastic cups ; a blue one and a green one and ask : " Do you want the blue one or the green one ? " Or you can say : " Do you want to sit in this chair or that chair ? " or " Do you want to wear your green pajamas or your blue pajamas ? " It makes them feel they have some power and control and consequently are less likely to gain it in inappropriate ways . It also tells them their likes and dislikes matter to you . As well , children who are given choices learn to start thinking for themselves . They become less reliant on other people to make decisions for them . As children get older we can start offering them more than two choices , keeping in mind that all the options you 're presenting must be acceptable to you . You can say : " Here are some choices for lunch ; vegetable soup , peanut butter sandwich or grilled cheese sandwich . " Or you might say , " Do you want to play a game tonight ? We could play this , or this , or this . Choose one . " If you 're having a difficult time getting your child to do something , you can say : " I need you to clear your plate away . Do you want to put it on the counter or in the dishwasher ? " As children approach their middle and teen years you can continue to use choices . You can say : " I 'd like your homework done before 8pm . Do you want to do it at the kitchen table or in your room ? " Or you might say : " I need some help in the kitchen . Would you like to empty the dishwasher , sweep the floor or fill the dishwasher ? " Offering a choice significantly reduces arguments around tasks that need to be done around the house . One of the problems parents might encounter with choices is that their kids don 't want either or any of the choices you 're offering . If that 's the case , the next choice becomes : " Do you want to choose or would you like me to choose ? " The majority of the time , kids will make a choice and that will be the end of it . Using this simple tool you 'll find you can eliminate many power struggles and arguments . Children are as human as the rest of us and need to feel they have some control over their lives . We want to give it to them in appropriate ways so they don 't try and gain it in inappropriate ways - like peeing all over the place . One day you wake up and find that life has changed forever . Instead of greeting you with a hug , your little boy rolls his eyes when you say " good morning " and shouts , " You 're ruining my life ! " You may think you 've stepped into the Twilight Zone , but you 've actually been thrust into your son 's teen years . During adolescence , teens start to break away from parents and become " their own person . " Some talk back , ignore rules and slack off at school . Others may sneak out or break curfew . Still others experiment with alcohol , tobacco or drugs . So how can you tell the difference between normal teen rebellion versus dangerous behavior ? And what 's the best way for a parent to respond ? Click here for full article . . . Many families of defiant children live in a home that has become a battleground . In the beginning , the daily struggles can be expected . After all , we knew that problems would occur . Initially , stress can be so subtle that we lose sight of a war , which others do not realize is occurring . We honestly believe that we can work through the problems . Outbursts , rages , and strife become a way of life ( an emotionally unhealthy way of life ) . We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our children . But what does it cost us ? Click here for the full article . . . " Our 14 year old keeps sneaking out in the middle of the night . We 've screwed the windows shut , called police . She says she sorr . . . Hi Mark , Thanks for your good advise . It 's really helping . We have hit a stumbling block as my son refuses to go to school and this keeps . . . " I 'm at my wits end with my 16 - year old daughter . She lies constantly and not just about big things - - - small things too . If I keep as . . . ICEP Europe offers online courses in Special Educational Needs and Positive Psychology . These 20 hour courses are fully online and can be studied from anywhere in the world . The Summer term starts this July 3rd and runs until August 27th . For a full list of courses available and for more information click here : http : / / www . icepe . eu / cpd
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Maddie Johnson loved Shakespeare . Unlike everybody else she knew growing up , she seemed to understand him , enjoy him , more with every reading . It was partly because of this love that she drove her home in rural Pennsylvania to college to Southern Utah University , home every summer to the Utah Shakespearean Festival . It was partly that , and partly desire to get as far away as possible . Maddie thought being in Utah would help her forget , that the stark beauty of the scenery and the power of the metaphor would be enough to clear her . They weren 't . The novel unfolds in two time periods , 2004 as Sophie Brownlie , attorney - at - law , become obsessed with helping the father of a girl who died 20 years before prove that she didn 't kill herself , and 1983 as a tortured and lonely young Maddie moves closer and closer to the day of her premature death . After considering several possible suspects , you begin to believe that the Utah Medical Examiner may have been right all along . May have been . This is a great who - done - it kind of mystery . I love those kind of stories but seem to have a knack at guessing who it was long before the story ends . I don 't always mind that I can do that but prefer if I can 't guess because it keeps me deeply interested and my mind churning away at all of the possibilities of who it is . Yes I loved Clue when I was growing up ! This story had me from the beginning and although I had my suspicions as to what happened to Maddie I did not figure it out until it was revealed . So to me that is a great mystery ! Ms . Dickson did a great job at going back and forth between 1983 and 2004 . There were a couple of transitions that could have been smoother and I had to go back a page and double check that we moved to the other timeline . I am going to assume I had an ARC copy because of a couple of minor discrepancies that would have been fixed by a good proof - reader and editor . Nothing that detracted from the storyline and plot . I especially enjoyed the connections to Shakespeare . Every chapter begins with one of Shakespeare 's Sonnets . It was enthralling and so fitting within the context of the storyline . I hate to give anything away especially in a murder - mystery . This book is so much more than that though . It is the story of two women that lived 20 years apart but are brought together by tragedy . Maddie died too young to figure her life out and move forward to be happy . Will the same fate happen to Sophie ? It may if she doesn 't solve this case . Thank you so MediaGuests for another great book for me to review . Please visit their website for more information about all of the great authors they are touring with this year . You will definitely find a great story that you will want to read ! " You look astonishingly pretty , " admits Johanna when Sophia steps out of her bedroom dressed in Ulrika 's magnificent gown . Sophia is stunned , halting in mid - step . This is rare praise from her cold mother , so she must , indeed , look very good . At Frederick 's side during the elaborate court dinner , Sophia shines and sparkles with youth and wit . The monarch is very pleased with his choice . Indeed , he is so enamored with the girl that he opens his purse to outfit mother and daughter , both woefully deficient in material matters appropriate for court life . So begins the transformation of Princess Sophia of Anhalt - Zerbst into Catherine the Great of Russia . The personal and professional triumphs and tribulations of this remarkable woman are retold by Sigrid Weidenweber , whose research into the life of Catherine reveals a new perspective on Catherine , from the inside out . Sigrid portrays with heartfelt understanding what it was like to have been such a major European political and military , social and cultural figure during the eighteenth century . I believe I have mentioned before how much I love history . But I LOVE HISTORY ! ! So whenever someone writes a historical fiction book I can 't wait to get it and devour it ! I am rarely disappointed either . Catherine was definitely no different in my expectations . I could hardly wait to get started and delve into this time machine of love , deceit , and intrigue . All of the great things we think of when we think of the great monarchies . I have a fantasy of these time periods from Europe that I put myself in these books as part of the court of each monarch . I know that is crazy since no one really ever survives the ' Court ' unscathed or quite possibly dead ! But still I picture myself there and try to imagine what it would have been like . I don 't think I would like to have actually lived in these time periods but poking my head in through a book is the best adventure ! This book is superbly written and the research impeccably done . It is hard enough to piece together a life of someone from 200 + years ago when records are not the most accurate or complete . But to also piece together a full life of personalities and drama is quite another . Ms . Weidenweber has combined these together to create a story wrapped in so much excitement and mystery that I could hardly put it down each day . She made Catherine so easy to love and to watch her grow into her status as Empress was filled with answers as to why she was the person she became in the end . I don 't think I would have liked Catherine any other way . If I just looked at the facts I would see a harsh , spoiled Queen and not cared who she was . The author truly made Catherine into a real person that had real struggles in life . I give this book 5 stars ! If you love historical fiction then you must read this book . It leaves you trying to keep your eyes open in the middle of the night because you just can 't bear to put it down . You finish the book fully satisfied of an adventure into the past . First of all , thanks to Media Guests for another great book to review . This is a book that I wouldn 't have generally picked up - children 's age level . It is a very fast , easy read at just 70 pages and some of them have illustrations . It was fun to sit down for a couple of hours and just pretend I was a kid in a fairy tale . This is a fantastic fairy tale with all of the good and bad things you find there - kings , queens , castles , princes and princesses , the evil creature , and the one who saves them all , and of course a sweet love story . This book has a beautiful , simple message to us all . We have choices to make each day and because of those choices we have consequences - both good and bad . We can choose to treat people with love and respect even when we don 't get that in return . If we treat people as the type of person we know they can be then they will become that person . This story is the epitome of pure love of others more than oneself . I give this book 4 stars . Need to just get away to a happy fairy tale for a couple of hours ? Then pick up this great story with a perfect message for us all ! His mother vanished . His father killed himself . Vaan , now 21 , has no friends , no money , no family , and no hope . All his dreams have vanished . Unable to escape the horror of his own memories , his life has been in stasis . But with a bit of luck and a bit of effort Vaan manages to make his first real friend since childhood . Duncan , a man who has watched the growing railline destroy his entire home city , was disowned after denying his birthright . Vaan and Duncan become fast friends with troubled pasts . Now , with Duncan 's help and the ' encouragement ' of a local priest , Vaan decides his life ahs remained in a quagmire too long . Only by selling his house and everything he owns will he have a chance to become a wandering scholar . Every year around the FreePort Solstice Festival ( and his birthday ) Vaan has terrible nightmares of his father 's chronic pain . But the night before the festival Vaan has a dream un like any before . He wakes up thinking he has gone blind - but it isn 't just that , he can feel something , something cold pawing at his head as though it is absorbing his very thoughts . After the horrible dream , leaving FreePort isn 't just about getting an education . Ellred , a local priest , tells Vaan there could be more to his non - dream than he could ever imagine . But the only way to figure any of it out is if Duncan agrees to travel with Vaan to the very place Duncan can never return . And on their way to Alpine , Vaan 's encounter with a small militia forces him to question his understanding of humanity and the very reality he thought to be true for so many years . First of all I want to thank Media Guests for giving me the opportunity to read and review this fantastic book . I had originally passed up on doing so but had it in the back of my mind that I thought I needed to give it a try . I was not disappointed either ! This book is not an easy read . There is so much dimension and depth to the writing that you really need to pay attention to understand what is going on during the story . This is based on a fantastical new world that you need to figure out what Vaan is trying to tell you . It is not a skimming kind of story . Don 't be frightened about that because it is well worth your time . I loved how I could not ever guess what was going to happen next or really figure out all of the characters presented . I really want the next book so I can start to piece more of this together . The prologue is very interesting and hooks you from the first sentence . However , don 't think that the questions it raises will be answered in this book . By the time you get done and read the epilogue you are just more intrigued with more questions . I give this book 4 stars and will sit patiently for the next book to come out sometime next summer ! ! ! In the meantime though you can go to www . velwythe . com and check out the interactive site the author has created to immerse you into Vaan 's world . I have read Melody Carlson before so when I had the opportunity to read this book I immediately said yes . This was originally published in 2000 , so it is not a new book and there are several Diary of a Teenage Girl books out - Caitlin , Chloe , Kim , & Mya . They each have about four in their series . I have to say that I wasn 't sure what to expect since it is written by an adult playing a teenager . Sometimes adults can really miss the mark on the realities of teenage life even though we have already lived those years . Why authors cannot get it right is strange to me . They either go overboard or just stop shy of hitting it right on . Well Ms . Carlson is the exception and hit it right on the mark ! I have a 17 year old daughter right now so I live these realities everyday at home . Caitlin , Beanie , Jenny , Josh , or Zach could easily be one of my daughter 's friends or my daughter herself . The things they discuss as friends and with the diary is exactly what happens to every teenager . Maybe being a mom of a teenager right now is one of the reasons I really loved this book . I couldn 't help but picture my daughter and her friends as these characters . I could actually replace their names with those in the book . It really hit home with me . It made me glad I had to never live those years again myself but also more aware of the teenagers I have in my home daily . I will give this book 4 stars . It is a great read about a young girl that struggles with life and all of the issues that come her way . She works to find herself in the midst of the pressures of family , school , and growing up . MarysvaleBy Jared SouthwickJohn Casey was ten years old when his mother was murdered … and ten when his father hid the truth from him . Without that knowledge , he has no idea of the enemies that lie in wait . Now grown up , John lives a solitary life , in a world enslaved by ignorance and superstition , when anyone unusual is treated with distrust and even killed … and John has some very unusual gifts . When he is accused of witchcraft , John does the only thing he 's ever done - Run ! That is , until he meets Jane , who lives in the bleak , imprisoned town of Marysvale . Life outside the safety of the town walls means certain death from the brutal monsters that hunt there . However , life inside , under the rule of a tyrannical leader , means no life at all . As the love between John and Jane grows , the dangers of Marysvale unfold ; and for the first time in his life , John discovers that there is something worth dying for . This is a book from a local Utah author . I love that we have so much talent out here and it is getting showcased so well . This is a fantastic book . There are unusual creatures that lurk in the woods outside of Marysvale and a few other towns in the forest . John is tied to these animals but can 't remember how . John just happens upon Marysvale after fleeing from the current town he is residing . He is a drifter and often moves on when those around him start to recognize his unusual talents . You will have to read the book to find out what those talents are - I don 't like giving anything away . I give this book 4 stars . It is a fun , easy read but has lots of action and drama . The love story is great to watch develop but it not over the top so it doesn 't interfere with the story at all . This is part of a series and I will definitely be reading the next one that comes out this Fall ! This is definitely a romantic , action - packed story filled with monsters and tyrants , heroes and heroines . Thanks to Media Guests for the opportunity to review this book ! Homeward By Melody CarlsonFrom bestselling author Melody Carlson comes this award - winning story of three generations of Lancaster women . For twenty years Meg Lancaster has avoided Briar Hedge , the Lancaster family estate . Now she has been drawn back to her grandmother 's home to uncover secrets that have been hidden for decades and to try to regain the family she long ago abandoned . This is a powerful story about one girl 's struggle with abandonment from her family . Meg had always been the fat , ugly daughter and was always trying to fit into her family . The only person she ever connected with was her beloved grandfather . The day of his funeral ended up changing Meg and her family 's lives forever . Meg packed up and left her family for good - or so she thought . She was 17 and a high school drop out . She left her only home in Oregon and headed off to California to make it on her own cutting all ties . She puts herself through college and becomes a highly paid marketing executive . But when her live takes an unexpected turn the only place she wants to go is home . Nearly twenty years after walking out she arrives back in Crandale to face her sister , mother , and grandmother . Meg unexpectedly finds the solace and healing that she is looking for after so many years away . She also finds that she can love again and not just those in her family . I would give this 3 stars . It is an easy read and has a great underlying message . Thanks to Glass Road PR for the opportunity to review this great book ! Posted by Following her mother 's funeral , and on the verge of her own midlife crisis , widow Anna Larson returns to the home of her youth to sort out her parents ' belongings , as well as her own turbulent life . For the first time since childhood , Anna embraces her native heritage , despite the disdain of her vicious mother - in - law . By transforming her old family home on the banks of Oregon 's Siuslaw River into The Inn at Shining Waters , Anna hopes to create a place of healing - a place where guests experience peace , grace , and new beginnings . Starting with her own family … The story begins with Anna returning home after her mother 's funeral in 1959 . She hasn 't been home in nearly 20 years . She left and eloped when she was just 19 with her first love ; however , her fairy tale marriage went down hill fast . Her mother - in - law hates her because she is part Indian and calls her ' squaw ' for most of her life . Her husband went off to war and was severely injured . He came home alive but had to be taken care of around the clock by Anna . After nursing him for 12 years he finally succumbs to his injuries and dies . By then Anna is living in her in - laws home with her daughter Lauren . Anna is turned into virtually a live in slave to her mother - in - law and is even being treated that way by her teenage daughter . The story details Anna 's life from when she was a little girl to the present . She finds the peace she is looking for in her life back at her parent 's home and finds a way through various friends and opportunities to stay on the river . This story is full of emotion - fear , sadness , anger , bigotry , and of course love . It is heart - wrenching in some parts but over all it is a story about coming home . Coming home to that place of peace within yourself . This is a great read and will leave you wanting more . And there is more coming - this is a series book and the next one will be out soon . I can 't wait because this definitely leaves it with a cliffhanger . I give this book 4 stars . Thanks to Glass Road PR for the opportunity to review this book ! Amid the prying eyes of spicy New Orleans society , one woman just choose between embracing her passion or heeding practicality in this finely - tuned Southern love story . Haunting and heartfelt , this debut novel is steeped in wit , charm and sizzling moments of desire . It shares one woman 's journey through love , betrayal and the ultimate tragedy that eventually leads her to discover her true purpose in life . This is the first book in the Nicci Beauvoir series . I received the second one Recovery a couple of months ago from the author and loved it so much I asked for the first one . The take of Nicci and David starts here . You don 't have to read To My Senses to understand Recovery but I would suggest it very highly . It does make everything add up better and you get all of the back story to all of the characters in Recovery . This is a great dramatic love story based in New Orleans high society . It is fun to see how Nicci fits into her eccentric family and society groups . I say fun because she is not a traditional society girl and loves to do things to show she is independent of their ways . Nicci 's character starts to develop in this book as she finds out who she really is and where she wants to go in her life . I gave Recovery 4 stars but I will give this one 3 stars . Not because it is not worth the read but to emphasis that this series gets better with each book . Sacrifice , the 3rd in the series , will be out sometime next year . I will definitely be getting that book and letting you know how everything with Nicci ends up . Hello to all my blog friends ! I have so missed you all ! What a crazy summer this has been for me . Not only have I been out of work for the last four months but I still have the rest of my life going on ! Can I just say the economy sucks ! The job hunting is not very fun . I do get interviews so I guess that is good but just no solid job offers so that is not so good . It is funny how you go for an interview and when you ask how soon you are looking to hire they always say right away ! or last week ! and then all you do is wait for the phone to ring ! I had one place that I had to do three interviews and by the time I got them all done it was 6 weeks after I started with the first one . I guess that is in a hurry ? So the process is long and discouraging . Good news is that I had another interview today and it was great . So we 'll see what happens over the next couple of weeks to see if it pans out . But on to the better things about being unemployed . My house is clean , my laundry is always caught up , I cook more often , I read a lot of books , I have re - painted my whole house , I have cleaned out the basement , finished my Mom Cave , I get to exercise whenever I want ( wait is that a good thing ? ) , don 't forget the Harry Potter movie marathon leading up the last one : ( and also re - reading book 7 too , and I get to spend TONS of time with my kids ! ! ! They are not really seeing that as a plus anymore . They seem to be finding more and more things to do away from home lately . I am getting the hint . It probably has something to do with the week of hiking every day that did it to them . My family is coming up to my house next weekend . So I am trying to find a great hike that the whole family can do together for one of the days they are here . Utah has tons of hiking trails all across the state that are of all different skill levels . So I decided that I should try some out so I can take the fam on the best one out there for all of us . So I subjected my kids to a hike a day for about a week . Every morning at 8am I was ready to leave and take them to the mountains ! What a fabulous way to start the day right ? Well for the most part it was fabulous . So needless to say we found the perfect hike that ends at an amazing waterfall . If you have ever heard of Sundance - as in the Sundance Film Festival , Sundance Ski Resort - that is pretty close to where we will be hiking at . It is only about a 30 min drive to the trailhead and it is truly some beautiful country there . I will post pics soon . I have several other hikes I will post about that were great and even one that wasn 't so great . So that is what I have been up to this summer and so that didn 't leave me much time for blogging . I have another great review for tomorrow . There are two more coming for next week and then another two the week after that . I am so excited for them . In between all of that and hopefully some more hiking I will post some details about the hikes we went on and I am still going to post about my Oregon trip . I know , I know that I have been promising that for a while now but I am really going to do it ! I am going to try to spend more time getting on all my fav blogs over the next week . Now that the Mom Cave is actually finished and usable I can get on the computer more often . So thanks for sticking with me and I will be visiting y ' all soon ! On an entirely normal , beautiful fall day , a small town is suddenly and inexplicably sealed off from the rest of the world by an invisible force field . Planes crash into it and rain down flaming wreckage . A gardener 's hand is severed as the dome descends . Cars explode on impact . Families are separated and panic mounts . No one can fathom what the barrier is , where it came from , and when - or if - it will go away . Now a few intrepid citizens , led by an Iraq vet turned short - order cook , face down a ruthless politician dead set on seizing the reins of power under the dome . But their main adversary is the dome itself . Because time isn 't just running short . It 's running out . I absolutely love a good , long book and so I couldn 't wait to get my hands on this one ! It is a whopping 1074 pages and it didn 't disappoint ! I was very intrigued by the synopsis that was written about this book but had heard mixed reviews so wasn 't really sure how much I would enjoy this . I was engaged from page one and if I could have read all 1074 pages in one day I surely would have done so . This was very much a fast paced book and I would compare it to The Stand , which is one of my top five all time favorite books ever . It has a good mix of the fight between good and evil but on the smaller scale of this little town and those trapped inside . This does not mean it is not as dramatic as the battle in The Stand . I feel that it made it even more so and if you have ever lived in a small town you will totally understand why . Of course in true Stephen King style it has a great sci - fi twist in it that I didn 't see coming at all . So I will give nothing away and will end on this note cause you know how I HATE spoilers . It is a 5 star book and well worth the length , especially if you are a Stephen King fan ! PS - I will post more on Thursday about where I have been for the last month and what I have been up to . I have missed my blog and am glad to be back with all of you ! So me and my sisters planned a very , very impromptu girls trip over this last weekend . Of course my girl Ashley came with to chaperone us : ) We planned a quick overnight trip down to Zions National Park on the spur of the moment . It was so worth it and we had a blast ! One sister lives in Nevada and the other two of us live in Lehi / American Fork UT . One sister only had a 2 hour drive while the others had a 4 . 5 hr trip ! Wish we could have all traveled together . My older sister Christine is 40 , I am 38 ( 39 in 2wks ) , and little sister Kim is just a baby at just 35 ! We all have families and only seem to get together when the families do so we headed out alone into the desert for some much needed girls time ! If you haven 't been to Zions National Park you really need to plan a trip because it is breathtaking ! We really need to plan a trip longer than one night next time . We got down there on Friday night and came home after dinner on Saturday night ! So we found a cutie to hang out with on one of the stops on the way there : Kim and Ashley always find the keepers : ) They also know how to find the rest areas too : Good thing we found this map and found out where we are ! Well Ashley looks a little confused still - but she looks like that quite a bit so we weren 't worried and went on our way ! So we started our day with full intentions that after we hit a store to get some matching shirts to go with our ever so cute matching hats we would head up to a short hike before lunch . So here is some quick shots of us waiting in line to get into the park : Not bad for taking them through the sunroof as we waited in line . So for Kim and Ashley in the back seat they decided to help with the window decorations that we had done that morning before heading out ! The other cars in line loved watching them getting in and out to add to their entertainment : This was great to drive 4 . 5 hrs home on the freeway in Utah . We had a lot of looks and laughs ! We loved it though . So back to the story of our morning . We apparently can 't read a map all that well ! SPosted by
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We all know that Twain loves the problem of mistaken identity and impostures . We have seen impostures in The Prince and The Pauper , with the switched identities of the royal prince and the poor pauper . We have also seen many instances of deceptive identities in The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn . One of the most recent occurances of deceptive identities is the episode where the " king " and the " duke " pretend to be Mary Jane 's uncles and brothers of the deceased ( Chapters 25 - 27 ) . This case of deceptive identities is probably the most horrid occurance of impostures I have seen in Huck Finn . Just to remind yall what happened in these chapters , Mary Jane 's father passes away , and the king and the duke come in to town pretending to be her uncles - Harvey and William . The king and the duke get the " familial " hospitality one would expect from family members and they end up with " three thousand dollars in gold " ( 178 ) minus " four hundred and fifteen dollars " ( 179 ) . The two " uncles " put on an extravagent show that they will give the money to the orphaned Mary Jane and her sisters . However , that is not really what the " uncles " plan to do . they plan to try and find the missing money , sell the family 's slaves , and the family 's land property to get the most out of this poor family . TERRIBLE ! However , the duke didn 't really want to " rob a lot of orphans of everything they had " ( 190 ) but , the king wanted everything - what a GREEDY sorry excuse of a " man " . The king explains , " We shan 't rob ' em of nothing at all but jes the money . The people that buys the property is the suff ' rers ; because as soon 's it 's found out ' at we didn 't own it - which won 't be long after we 've slid - the sale won 't be valid , and it 'll all go back to the estate . These yer orphans 'll git their house back agin , and that 's enough for them ; they 're young and spry , and k ' n easy earn a livin ' . " ( 190 ) Even if the slaves and the land property ownership will be given back to Mary Jane and her siblings , the king is horrid . the king , duke , and Huck pulls off an elaborate hoax Maybe Twain is trying to say that we should be aware of strangers and not trust anyone fully . This is the cycnical side of me but , even family members can even be untrstworthy . When people are decieving others , they are lying ( obviously ) , but also faking their way through life . Through all this faking and dishonesty - acting , maybe one loses oneself and does not truly know who they are . Or is Twain saying that in reality , we all have different identities that we try out , through the process of growing up and maturing , to figure out who we are ? Is Twain commenting on the fact that we - you , me , everyone , immitate others , whether real or fiction to try out who we want to be ? The role of the stranger in Huckleberry Finn is interesting to me because you get to see how Mark Twain feels about strangers and how they act through the eyes of Huckleberry Finn who is most of the time a stranger to other in the book . Huck Finn meets many stranger throughout the book and to all of them he lies . Many times Huck lies to people to protect Jim from prosecution like when he ran into men looking for run away slaves on the Mississippi when hes trying to get to shore and ask his where abouts . " Is your man white or black ? . . . ' He 's white . ' ' I reckon we 'll go and see for ourselves . ' . . . ' Pap 'll be mighty much obleeged to you , i can tell you . Everybody goes away when i want them to help me tow the raft . ' " Huck lets the men decide and come to their own conclusions from there . The men ask Huck if his father has contracted smallpox and Huck says that he has . Huck must lie in order to keep Jim safe from the clutches of slavery . Huck does not lie because he is trying to swindle people he is lieing because he wishes to keep Jim safe . Huck also lies about who he is to keep himself safe from being returned to his abusive father . " Who done it ? We 've considerable about these goings on , down in Hookerville , but we don 't know who ' twas that killed Huck Finn . ' ' Well i reckon there 's a right smart chance of people here that 'd like to know who killed him . Some thinks old Finn done it himself . " No - is that so ? " This shows that Huck made the right decision in lieing and that from now on Huck will never tell any stranger along the Mississippi who he truely is because it will mean they will turn him in since there is a two hundred dollar reward out for him . Huck is also not a very good liar because when the old lady sees him thread a needle she knows that he is not who he says he is , which is a girl since he has dressed up in girls cloths . She figures it out and he tells yet another lie which she accepts . Huck also gets caught in a lie when he is talking to the Hare lipped girl that the Duke and the King are stealing the inhPosted by Twain uses a number of hoaxes in quite a few of his stories . We have discussed this in class , but I have recently noticed that many of the people who are playing the hoax on whoever , tend to get away in Twain 's stories . In the short story The Notorious Jumping Frog of Calaveras County , we see Jim Smiley get conned out of money when a stranger came into town and Smiley bet the stranger that his frog could out jump any frog , so the stranger told Smiley , " I ain 't got no frog ; but if I had a frog , I 'd bet you " ( CSS 5 ) . This caused Smiley to go into the swamps and get the stranger a frog ; the stranger took this opportunity to fill the frog with quail - shot so that the frog would be too heavy to jump . Once the challenge began and Smiley 's frog , Daniel , didn 't jump he was very confused because he had trained this frog for a while . Well , Smiley that meant that Smiley lost the bet , and the stranger got away with the hoax , " the feller took the money and started away " ( 6 ) . Also , in Twain 's short story The Man That Corrupted Hadleyburg , the stranger that plays a trick on the town gets away with it once again , with no consequences . Through an elaborate series of letters and a large lump sum of cash waiting to be collected by the person who could give the correct answer , a man was able to corrupt " the most honest and upright town in all the region around about " ( 419 ) ; " Hadleyburg in reality was an incorruptible town " ( 420 ) . The stranger showed that this town was , in fact , corruptible and that the people weren 't as honest as they were made out to be . The man , once again , played out his hoax and did it with no consequence to himself . This seems to be a common theme in Twain 's works , the person playing the hoax doesn 't get punished , but the people who are being tricked seem to be the ones that do get punished . I bring these two stories up because it is important to note that in The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn , when Huck tries to play a hoax on Jim it backfires . In chapter 15 , Huck tries to convjnippert Do you think that Huck is a moral person ? This is an extremely difficult question to answer , simply because every person can have a different perspective of what being " moral " means . This would mean that we can have tons of different answers or statements over Huck 's morality . In class , my group talked about why , after the funeral , did Huck suddenly have a change of heart . Although we all agreed that generally Huck did the right thing , and was always pretty moral . He still stole things ( or ' borrowed ' ) just to survive . We all chose the same passage , " Well , if ever I struck anything like it , I 'm a nigger . It was enough to make a body ashamed of the human race . " I thought that this passage was showing that Huck suddenly realized that they were going to con a group of people , who hadn 't done anything wrong . It wasn 't as if they were conning people because they needed the money to survive . Early , Huck had borrowed a chicken , because Jim and him had needed it to survive . This was different . Huck was in a gang , led by the king and the duke , who were using these people 's emotions , to gain a profit . It really is a terrible situation , and Huck finally realizes this . Before I had read the three most recent chapters , I wasn 't sure how Huck was going to act . If he was going to tell the town what they were doing , and that the king and duke were frauds , or if he was just going to let the con happen . So far , Huck has decided to take the plan into his own hands , and has taken the money from the king and duke and hidden it in the coffin . He plans to write a letter to Mary Jane and let her know where the money is in a few weeks . I believe Huck 's actions now , prove that our originally theory about this particular situation made Huck somehow feel uncomfortable . My question to you , is why ? Why was this situation different for Huck ? Why did his guilty conscience suddenly spark , and make him realize that what he was doing was wrong ? Was it because the people they were stealing from didn 't deserve it ? What do you think ? Roxy is a complicated character to say the least . She appears to be white physically but is a slave . She buys into and believes the white aristocratic ideals yet , those very ideals keep her enslaved . She played the part of a sambo slave , which in itself is a very contradictory stereotype . She physically acted submissive and content , yet mentally thought the opposite . Roxy has so many different clashing characteristics , which lead me to believe in some way , she is playing the part of the Sambo slave . In the first blog , I briefly mentioned what a sambo slave is like . This stereotypical slave appears to be submissive , childlike , ignorant , happy , and content , with their station in life - slavery . However , underneath the act , the sambo is cunning , smart , and manipulative , like Roxy . On the surface , Roxy appears to be content and plays the part of the submissive sambo perfectly - " she began to long to see him . She would fawn upon him , slave - like - for this would have to be her attitude of course - . . . " ( page 101 ) She knew how to get by with the white folk , to be undetected of her intelligence and manipulation . She had to act the part of the sambo type of slave to get what she wanted , which is what most other cases of sambo slaves did , they played the part of contentment and submissiveness to achieve their goals , whether it be ultimate freedom , white masters ' trust , or less severe physical labor / punishment . Roxy manipulated the imposter Tom , her son , to get money and survive . She threatened him with his exposure of the one thirty - first drop of " nigger " blood ( Chapter 8 , 15 ) ; thus showing her intelligence and cunning . However , in the end , Roxy is too complex for just one stereotype , she goes beyond the bounds of just the sambo . She is a strong - willed and intelligent woman . She is a product of her atmosphere . Roxy defies the ideal of a 19th century woman , her character breaks some of those stereotypical social norms . She is as independent as she can be in a slave society , she plays a hoax on everyone in Dawson 's Landing , and she is openly intelligent . Posted by I am writing this blog report on Roxy and the confusing nature of her personality and views on slavery . Roxy was a house slave for the Driscolls in the story Pudd ' n Head Wilson , her complexion is white and she is only one sixteen black , she switched her baby for the child of Master Driscoll when they were babies . " Tom " and " Valet " are the two boys and Tom is her true son . " Tom " grows up as her master and their relation is interesting because although he is her son he is also her master . " Tom " is mean and cruel to her and " Valet " eventually the elder , Percy Driscoll dies and in his will sets Roxy free . She spends a couple years on a boat that sails up and down the Mississippi as a chambermaid . She chooses to remember " Tom " as nice and kind and overlooks his cruelty in her memories . She returns broke because a bank went bankrupt and lost her money . She at first begs " Tom " to help her and give her a few dollars . He remains cruel and mean and says no until she holds over his head knowledge of what he thinks is his gambling debt . She reveals to him the truth , that he is actually her son and a nigger . From then on he struggles and gives her large amounts of money every week . This is interesting because Roxy seems to only care about the money that she can get from her son . She cares naught about him and has no problem black mailing her own son . After a while she asserts her control and begins dictating what " Tom " needs to do so he can keep him inheritance from the Judge who was Percy Driscolls brother and caretaker of " Tom " . The way that Roxy treats the inheritance is almost as if it is far more important than " Tom " to her . She is very self interested and only cares about her own well being , and seems to only care for " Tom " because he is the fulcrum that her well being swings on . Although when things turn for the worse again and " Tom " once again gets himself into gambling debt . She offers to sell herself into slavery again so he can pay off his debt and keep his inheritance . He betrays her and sells her down river and iPosted by The few short stories and full length Twain stories we 've read have had very similar themes . Most deal with slavery , racism , titles , birthrights , and peoples roles in society . In most of the stories , Twain has two characters switch places ; sometimes on purpose , and sometimes without either characters knowledge . The Prince and The Pauper is the first novel that we read that dealt with Tom and Edward switching places , and really learning the lesson that the grass isn 't greener on the other side . The book brings up the fact that relatively no loved ones or family members can tell the difference between either boy . ( Eventually Tom Canty 's mother realizes that Edward is not her son , but it does take a while ) . " Pudd ' N Head Wilson " is the story of two boys and how they deal with growing up , not knowing that they are living lies . The real Chamber 's mother , Roxy , switched the babies at birth so that her son could grow up as a white man and be saved from being sold down the river . This story is also able to succeed because once again , the father of Tom ( the white slaver owner ) , cannot tell the difference between the two boys . But as I read these books , and listened to the discussions in class , I was wondering whether Twain would be as effective now - a - days , as he was when these books were released . He constantly used the twins or people switching places ploy / hoax , to bring about questions of whether a birthright exists , or if people will grow up differently , if they are given different opportunities . Although he pokes fun at America , and it being the land of opportunity , I feel that most people in modern times have about the same chance as being successful as their neighbor . This doesn 't mean that every person in America has the same chances , but I feel as though the playing field has definitely evened out over the last 50 years or so . Most of Twain 's writing deals with huge themes like slavery and racism , which I mentioned before , and was able to use some very cool plot devices to help readers see things from other angles . We still have problems within society , but I still don 't think that Twain would be as influential if he lived in todays world . Now , I 'm sure that Twain would use different types of story telling to poke fun at the American lifestyle or politics , but I do think that the level of opportunity most Americans have , they can succeed without having to be born into money or status . Some of the counter arguments to this would be that people who are born into money / higher class status gives them a leg up on other , less fortunate , people . This is true , but if you look at some of the biggest success stories in recent times , like Bill Gates , JK Rowling , or even Barack Obama , you can see the trend of a person with a huge drive to succeed , struggling with either being poor , or having less opportunity that other , and in these cases , Gates , Rowling and Obama , were able to succeed . Do you think that in modern times , there is a better chance for people to be successful in their lives . Or do you think that you 're born into it ? While reading Pudd ' nhead Wilson , I have noticed that there is a huge power struggle between Roxy and Tom ( who is actually her biological son ) . This also brings up the gender and position that these two characters are in and who really holds the power in their relationship . One of the first times that we see Roxy take control and really show how much power she has in on page 108 - 109 , when she makes Tom get down on his knees and beg after she tells him about his true heritage and threatens to go to Judge Driscoll about the matter . This particular scene is important to understanding the struggle between the two characters because , for the first time , we see Roxy , an enslaved woman , take the upper - hand and almost switch the master - slave role with her son Tom . Throughout the novel , we continue to see Roxy struggle for power over her masters . After Tom sells her in the slave - trade , she is put on a plantation where she works out in the cotton fields . Once Roxy sees her master beat a little girl for trying to share her food , Roxy becomes infuriated and explains to Tom , " All de hell - fire dat ' uz ever in my heart flame ' up , en I snatch de stick outen his han ' en laid him flat " ( 183 ) . Again , we see Roxy take the upper - hand with her master and attempt to gain control . I find it very interesting that Twain uses an enslaved woman for this role . She doesn 't carry the docile role that many slaves in narrative embody , she is fighting to gain power and it seems as though she is trying to move up in societal classes . It makes me wonder if Twain himself struggled with issues of power , which compelled him to use a character that wasn 't seen as a human being at the time to challenge this role within society ? It also makes me wonder if he almost felt as though he was an enslaved person , almost trapped if you will , at the time ? Posted by " The Prince And The Pauper " page 158 . This quote really stuck out to me when I read it last night . I thought it was funny and made Tom Canty an even more real character . Throughout the book , Canty seemed to learn less and care more about the riches and rewards that come with being a King , instead of remembering his own life . This sentence was the first time in a while that Tom had seemed like his old self , and it seemed like he had a heart again . As I said before , I felt like it was done in a funny way , but I also think it showed that even though Tom had been subjected to the hardships in his life , he still remembered them while he was impersonating the King . Did anyone else feel that Tom Canty had forgotten his past , and was simply becoming another monarch that didn 't care about the poor , and only how many servants he had ? I am choosing to write about the role of cloths in The Prince and the Pauper . Clothing is a very important part of the way people are treated in the book . In the Prince and the Pauper Tom Canty , the pauper trades cloths with the prince of England , Edward . The two boys features are strickingly similar and the only difference is the cloths that they wore . After they switched the guards mistake the Prince for Tom because he is wearing rags . The prince is promptly kicked out of the palace and Tom is now believed to be the true prince . This theme of the cloths make the man is very common in Mark Twains stories . Another story where this is a theme is in the million pound bank note . When the poor man goes to buy things in his rags people laugh and do not treat him kindly but after he has purchased a suit on credit all stores treat him like royalty . The Prince and the Pauper has a similar theme . For even though Tom claims many times throughout the story that he is not the Prince they all believe that he has gone mad because he looks so much like the Prince . I chose the quote from the last page of Chapter 3 in The Prince and the Pauper : " Here the jeering crowd closed around the poor little prince and hustled him far down the road , hooting him , and shouting ' Way for his royal highness ! way for the Prince of Wales ! ' " ( Twain , 19 ) . I chose this quote because I think that it says a lot about what the prince and the pauper both expected to happen when they traded places . The prince thought that he was going to have this wonderful experience being able to do whatever he wanted without having to be royalty anymore but still being recognized as the prince . However , he soon realizes that since the people no longer see him as the prince , the is treated with no respect and pushed out of the way . The pauper thinks that he will be able to live his dream of becoming royalty and that he will enjoy this life more than the life that he had before . But once he is in the position of royalty , it is much different than how he had imagined it . Especially since no one can tell the difference between the two boys . They both end up in positions that they don 't enjoy being in , and I think that this quote sets up the rest of the book in the sense that both boys are no longer in their niches . Neither one of them has been treated the way they are now treated and Twain seems to poke fun at the fact that sometimes when we get what we want , we realize that we don 't really want it anymore . Posted by " And so I am become a knight of the Kingdom of Dreams and Shadows ! A most odd and strange position , truly , for one so matter - of - fact as I . I will not laugh - no , God forbid , for this thing which is so substanceless to me is real to him . And to me , also , in one way , it is not a falsity , for it reflects with truth the sweet and generous spirit that is in him . " page 65 My quote , as stated above , from The Prince and the Pauper , is said by Miles Hendon , who befriends the young Royal boy , Prince Edward VI . Miles Hendon does not know that Prince Edward VI is telling the truth , when he talks about his royalty , but Hendon plays along with the young prince 's illusions . Just a moment before the quote of the Kingdom of Dreams and Shadows , the prince had knighted Hendon and he thus refers to this whole episode of the young prince the " Kingdom of Dreams and Shadows " . Hendon thinks that the young boy is just fantasizing about being the Royal Prince , therefore , calling it a Kingdom of Dreams and Shadows ; only in slumber and in fantasy is Edward a prince and Hendon a knight ( so Hendon thinks - SURPRISE ! Edward is the future king of England ! ) Hendon thinks that his knighthood is just a boy 's play , but little does he know at this point in the story that he has actually been knighted and is not " substanceless " . Posted by Slavery is a prominent topic found in Mark Twain 's works . Relations between the colored and the whites occupy many stories authored by Twain , like in " A True Story " . Twain uses " Aunt Rachel " to portray a long known stereotype of the Sambo slave . The sambo slave is depicted as a person who is submissive , faithful , superstitious , childlike and content ; however , this portrayal may be just the outward persona a slave takes on , either to prevent a master 's suspicion of any funny business ( escape / rebellion plans - like Nat Turner ) or harsher punishment ( beatings or labor ) . The white masters came up with this idea of the " sambo " slave to provide a justistification for the enslavement of blacks . The justisitification goes as follows , the blacks can 't fend for themselves , therefore , the white masters must be the parent of the childlike slave , by creating a paternalistic relationship between the master and slave . This ideal of the " sambo " slave , that the white master thought was reality , was in fact , not reality at all but , an illusion put forth by the cunning slaves to mislead their true intentions and character 's . I found that Aunt Rachel in " A True Story " illustates the characteristics of the sambo slave , when she was " sitting respectfully below our level , on the steps " and when she was never heard sigh and always had a laugh in her eye ( Twain , 95 ) . She wasn 't planning a huge rebellion or escape , but Aunt Rachel put on a front that she was perfectly content and submissive , albeit this story was set in the post - civil war era . Maybe " Misto C " held fast to the inherited " sambo " slave figure , when he thought that Aunt Rachel had no trials or tribulations in her lifetime . Maybe Misto C had thought that Aunt Rachel was just content , submissive , and happy to be serving the white folk , or maybe that 's just what Aunt Rachel wanted him to believe and think , like most " sambo " slaves did . But of course , this is all speculation of Misto C 's mindset . Was Aunt Rachel playing the part of the " sambo " slave ? Or was Misto C just an ignorant idiot who didn 't pay attention to details ( emotions ) ? Or was Misto C oblivious to the fact that Aunt Rachel had deep human emotions - which also begs to the ask if Misto C regarded blacks as fellow human beings ? We may never know the answers to these questions solely based on " A True Story " , but it doesn 't help to wonder about what Twain wanted us to contemplate about the slavery era and race relations between coloreds and whites . During class , we have discussed one of the topics that tend to be in many of Twain 's short stories : idealism vs . realism . I think that this is shown at great extents in his short story A Day at Niagara . In this story , the narrator , a white tourist , is visiting Niagara Falls and is expecting to have the perfect experience while there . However , he soon finds out that this is not the experience he will be getting . There is an overall tone of sarcasm is his voice while he talks about the time he spends at Niagara . At one point he says , " It is worth the price of admission to hear the guide tell the story nine times in succession to different parties , and never miss a word or alter a sentence or a gesture " ( 21 ) ; talking about how going on a tour isn 't really worth it because it is scripted . It 's not the authentic experience that everyone is looking for , even though most people buy into the idea that it is an authentic experience . The narrator also has this idea that he is going to encounter The Noble Red Man , a man that he has great respect for because the narrator has read about this Noble Red Man in books , and is fascinated by the character that he always plays . However , the tourist comes to find that the Noble Red Men of the area aren 't at all kind , like the woman at the store told him , and that they are actually Irish immigrants . When the tourist approaches these " relics " he addresses them in a very racial way by using stereotypical jargon that would generally not be used by an outsider of a group . After the first man he approaches gets angry with him , the tourist tries to find another group of Red Men to talk to so that he can get the response he is looking for . However , by the time he approaches the third group , they beat him up , break his bones , and throw him over the falls . Even though all of these terrible things keep happening to the narrator , he continues to pursue the experience he expects to have . He continually is unable to attain his expected experience . I think that this is seen all the jnippert The role of strangers in Mark Twain 's short stories is one of ill repute . In the story of The Notorious Jumping Frog of Calaveras County the narrator is looking for information on a person name Reverand Leonidas Smiley in a bar . He begins talking to a stranger by the name of Simon Wheeler who tells the narrator he knows nothing of the Reverand but he did know of a Jim Smiley . He tells of a Jim Smiley that was obssesed with gambling and who used to train animals to win bets for him . He trained a frog to jump higher than any other frog and named him Daniel Webster . One day he found a stranger willing to take his bet that his frog could jump higher than any other . The stranger says he would take Smileys bet if only he had a competing frog . Jim offers to go and find him one , and he does but while he is away the stranger fills Daniel Webster with shotgun buckshot . When the time comes for the competition Jim loses and the stranger gets away before Smiley figures out he was tricked . It would not be a great leap to say that Wheeler told the narrator this story to hint that he himself was tricking him and not telling him the information he desired . The strangers in the story were both distrustful . In The Man That Corrupted Hadleyburg the stranger leaves a sack of gold for the man in town that once lent him twenty dollars . The person must recite the statement he told the poor man after giving him the twenty dollars if he is to recieve the gold . The people who are first left with the money are the Richards . They tell Mr . Cox who owns the newspaper and give him the instructions for how to recieve the money so he may include it in the newspaper . All the citizens manage to reasonably conclude that it must have been the late Mr . Goodson who gave the poor man some money since he was the only one capable of making such a large donation . The meetings are held in the town hall and for the next three weeks not a soul in Hadleyburg can come up with the comment . Then the noble nineteen citizens of Hadleysburg all recieve a letter from a man named Stephenson who claims that Mr . Goodson only liked their family and would have wanted the money to be theirs . Stephenson says that he recalls that night and the comment is " You are far from being a bad man . Go , and reform " . Before the next meeting all ninteen households give the religious figure who is running the meeting a note that says they were the ones who gave the poor man the twenty dollars . The meeting is held and all but the Richards are found to be distrustful and corrupted after the relgious figure read off the same statement eighteen times . Their uncorruptable town was now proven to be corrupt . The stranger in this story was not to be trusted and wanted nothing more than the downfall of the town 's pride . This connects well with the story The E1 , 000 , 000 Note because the narrator of the story is given a one million pound note from two strangers . Although the strangers as Ms . Cooper has already summarized were good in nature and rewarded the narrator with a wife . This is interesting because it is the only story where a stranger has been anything but bad . It is also the only story that has not taken place in America . Perhaps this has some correlation . After reading Twain 's short story " The 1 , 000 , 000 Pound Bank Note , " the reader is asked to decide for themselves whether money is simply a symbol of wealth , or if it must be spent to be considered " wealth " . Twain raises an excellent question . I found myself wondering what would happen to the main character , Henry Adams , who before receiving the money from the two rich brothers , was actually a very poor man . The story begins with the two brothers arguing over the value and importance of money . Oliver believes that simply having the note will give the owner anything he wants , without him ever having to cash it . Rodereick , the other brother believes that since the note is worth so much money ( 1 , 000 , 000 pounds ) that no one will be able to cash it or offer change , so it will be rendered useless . Once the brothers decide to give the money to Henry , his life begins to change dramatically . Henry tries returning the note at first , but the brothers had left town so that the experiment could commence . With one million dollars in his pocket , Henry decides to go get some food and then new clothes . But what he starts to realize is that at first , no one will help him , simply because they can tell by his ragged clothes that he 's poor , but then they all change when he shows them the note . He gets his food put on account , and is told that he can spend as much as he likes , and that the owner trusts him to come back and pay . Henry tells the restaurant owner that he doesn 't know when he 'll be back in the town , but still , because he 's seen the 1 million dollar note , the owner trusts Henry to return with the money . Check out a trailer for the 1954 film As Henry begins to " spend " more money , more and more people begin to know who he is , and he soon begins to be written about in the paper . Even though no one can break the 1 million pound note , he is still able to buy and do whatever he wants as soon as he shows people the note . The best comparison I can make to modern times is that Twain is comparing this 1 million pound note to credit cards . Just as we buy on credit when we use credit cards , so does Henry . By the end of the story , we realize that Oliver is correct when he bet that just simply having the note would make the owner wealthy . Money was just a symbol . People treated Henry differently and with much more respect once they saw the note than before . I think this really relates to the old saying : don 't judge a book by its cover . We are always told this as children , but as we saw through this story , Henry was judged until he showed everyone his one million dollar note . After reading the story , did you think that the money affected Henry more , or if the use of the note affected other peoples perceptions of him more ? Posted by
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We all know that Twain loves the problem of mistaken identity and impostures . We have seen impostures in The Prince and The Pauper , with the switched identities of the royal prince and the poor pauper . We have also seen many instances of deceptive identities in The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn . One of the most recent occurances of deceptive identities is the episode where the " king " and the " duke " pretend to be Mary Jane 's uncles and brothers of the deceased ( Chapters 25 - 27 ) . This case of deceptive identities is probably the most horrid occurance of impostures I have seen in Huck Finn . Just to remind yall what happened in these chapters , Mary Jane 's father passes away , and the king and the duke come in to town pretending to be her uncles - Harvey and William . The king and the duke get the " familial " hospitality one would expect from family members and they end up with " three thousand dollars in gold " ( 178 ) minus " four hundred and fifteen dollars " ( 179 ) . The two " uncles " put on an extravagent show that they will give the money to the orphaned Mary Jane and her sisters . However , that is not really what the " uncles " plan to do . they plan to try and find the missing money , sell the family 's slaves , and the family 's land property to get the most out of this poor family . TERRIBLE ! However , the duke didn 't really want to " rob a lot of orphans of everything they had " ( 190 ) but , the king wanted everything - what a GREEDY sorry excuse of a " man " . The king explains , " We shan 't rob ' em of nothing at all but jes the money . The people that buys the property is the suff ' rers ; because as soon 's it 's found out ' at we didn 't own it - which won 't be long after we 've slid - the sale won 't be valid , and it 'll all go back to the estate . These yer orphans 'll git their house back agin , and that 's enough for them ; they 're young and spry , and k ' n easy earn a livin ' . " ( 190 ) Even if the slaves and the land property ownership will be given back to Mary Jane and her siblings , the king is horrid . the king , duke , and Huck pulls off an elaborate hoax Maybe Twain is trying to say that we should be aware of strangers and not trust anyone fully . This is the cycnical side of me but , even family members can even be untrstworthy . When people are decieving others , they are lying ( obviously ) , but also faking their way through life . Through all this faking and dishonesty - acting , maybe one loses oneself and does not truly know who they are . Or is Twain saying that in reality , we all have different identities that we try out , through the process of growing up and maturing , to figure out who we are ? Is Twain commenting on the fact that we - you , me , everyone , immitate others , whether real or fiction to try out who we want to be ? The role of the stranger in Huckleberry Finn is interesting to me because you get to see how Mark Twain feels about strangers and how they act through the eyes of Huckleberry Finn who is most of the time a stranger to other in the book . Huck Finn meets many stranger throughout the book and to all of them he lies . Many times Huck lies to people to protect Jim from prosecution like when he ran into men looking for run away slaves on the Mississippi when hes trying to get to shore and ask his where abouts . " Is your man white or black ? . . . ' He 's white . ' ' I reckon we 'll go and see for ourselves . ' . . . ' Pap 'll be mighty much obleeged to you , i can tell you . Everybody goes away when i want them to help me tow the raft . ' " Huck lets the men decide and come to their own conclusions from there . The men ask Huck if his father has contracted smallpox and Huck says that he has . Huck must lie in order to keep Jim safe from the clutches of slavery . Huck does not lie because he is trying to swindle people he is lieing because he wishes to keep Jim safe . Huck also lies about who he is to keep himself safe from being returned to his abusive father . " Who done it ? We 've considerable about these goings on , down in Hookerville , but we don 't know who ' twas that killed Huck Finn . ' ' Well i reckon there 's a right smart chance of people here that 'd like to know who killed him . Some thinks old Finn done it himself . " No - is that so ? " This shows that Huck made the right decision in lieing and that from now on Huck will never tell any stranger along the Mississippi who he truely is because it will mean they will turn him in since there is a two hundred dollar reward out for him . Huck is also not a very good liar because when the old lady sees him thread a needle she knows that he is not who he says he is , which is a girl since he has dressed up in girls cloths . She figures it out and he tells yet another lie which she accepts . Huck also gets caught in a lie when he is talking to the Hare lipped girl that the Duke and the King are stealing the inhPosted by Twain uses a number of hoaxes in quite a few of his stories . We have discussed this in class , but I have recently noticed that many of the people who are playing the hoax on whoever , tend to get away in Twain 's stories . In the short story The Notorious Jumping Frog of Calaveras County , we see Jim Smiley get conned out of money when a stranger came into town and Smiley bet the stranger that his frog could out jump any frog , so the stranger told Smiley , " I ain 't got no frog ; but if I had a frog , I 'd bet you " ( CSS 5 ) . This caused Smiley to go into the swamps and get the stranger a frog ; the stranger took this opportunity to fill the frog with quail - shot so that the frog would be too heavy to jump . Once the challenge began and Smiley 's frog , Daniel , didn 't jump he was very confused because he had trained this frog for a while . Well , Smiley that meant that Smiley lost the bet , and the stranger got away with the hoax , " the feller took the money and started away " ( 6 ) . Also , in Twain 's short story The Man That Corrupted Hadleyburg , the stranger that plays a trick on the town gets away with it once again , with no consequences . Through an elaborate series of letters and a large lump sum of cash waiting to be collected by the person who could give the correct answer , a man was able to corrupt " the most honest and upright town in all the region around about " ( 419 ) ; " Hadleyburg in reality was an incorruptible town " ( 420 ) . The stranger showed that this town was , in fact , corruptible and that the people weren 't as honest as they were made out to be . The man , once again , played out his hoax and did it with no consequence to himself . This seems to be a common theme in Twain 's works , the person playing the hoax doesn 't get punished , but the people who are being tricked seem to be the ones that do get punished . I bring these two stories up because it is important to note that in The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn , when Huck tries to play a hoax on Jim it backfires . In chapter 15 , Huck tries to convjnippert Do you think that Huck is a moral person ? This is an extremely difficult question to answer , simply because every person can have a different perspective of what being " moral " means . This would mean that we can have tons of different answers or statements over Huck 's morality . In class , my group talked about why , after the funeral , did Huck suddenly have a change of heart . Although we all agreed that generally Huck did the right thing , and was always pretty moral . He still stole things ( or ' borrowed ' ) just to survive . We all chose the same passage , " Well , if ever I struck anything like it , I 'm a nigger . It was enough to make a body ashamed of the human race . " I thought that this passage was showing that Huck suddenly realized that they were going to con a group of people , who hadn 't done anything wrong . It wasn 't as if they were conning people because they needed the money to survive . Early , Huck had borrowed a chicken , because Jim and him had needed it to survive . This was different . Huck was in a gang , led by the king and the duke , who were using these people 's emotions , to gain a profit . It really is a terrible situation , and Huck finally realizes this . Before I had read the three most recent chapters , I wasn 't sure how Huck was going to act . If he was going to tell the town what they were doing , and that the king and duke were frauds , or if he was just going to let the con happen . So far , Huck has decided to take the plan into his own hands , and has taken the money from the king and duke and hidden it in the coffin . He plans to write a letter to Mary Jane and let her know where the money is in a few weeks . I believe Huck 's actions now , prove that our originally theory about this particular situation made Huck somehow feel uncomfortable . My question to you , is why ? Why was this situation different for Huck ? Why did his guilty conscience suddenly spark , and make him realize that what he was doing was wrong ? Was it because the people they were stealing from didn 't deserve it ? What do you think ? Roxy is a complicated character to say the least . She appears to be white physically but is a slave . She buys into and believes the white aristocratic ideals yet , those very ideals keep her enslaved . She played the part of a sambo slave , which in itself is a very contradictory stereotype . She physically acted submissive and content , yet mentally thought the opposite . Roxy has so many different clashing characteristics , which lead me to believe in some way , she is playing the part of the Sambo slave . In the first blog , I briefly mentioned what a sambo slave is like . This stereotypical slave appears to be submissive , childlike , ignorant , happy , and content , with their station in life - slavery . However , underneath the act , the sambo is cunning , smart , and manipulative , like Roxy . On the surface , Roxy appears to be content and plays the part of the submissive sambo perfectly - " she began to long to see him . She would fawn upon him , slave - like - for this would have to be her attitude of course - . . . " ( page 101 ) She knew how to get by with the white folk , to be undetected of her intelligence and manipulation . She had to act the part of the sambo type of slave to get what she wanted , which is what most other cases of sambo slaves did , they played the part of contentment and submissiveness to achieve their goals , whether it be ultimate freedom , white masters ' trust , or less severe physical labor / punishment . Roxy manipulated the imposter Tom , her son , to get money and survive . She threatened him with his exposure of the one thirty - first drop of " nigger " blood ( Chapter 8 , 15 ) ; thus showing her intelligence and cunning . However , in the end , Roxy is too complex for just one stereotype , she goes beyond the bounds of just the sambo . She is a strong - willed and intelligent woman . She is a product of her atmosphere . Roxy defies the ideal of a 19th century woman , her character breaks some of those stereotypical social norms . She is as independent as she can be in a slave society , she plays a hoax on everyone in Dawson 's Landing , and she is openly intelligent . Posted by I am writing this blog report on Roxy and the confusing nature of her personality and views on slavery . Roxy was a house slave for the Driscolls in the story Pudd ' n Head Wilson , her complexion is white and she is only one sixteen black , she switched her baby for the child of Master Driscoll when they were babies . " Tom " and " Valet " are the two boys and Tom is her true son . " Tom " grows up as her master and their relation is interesting because although he is her son he is also her master . " Tom " is mean and cruel to her and " Valet " eventually the elder , Percy Driscoll dies and in his will sets Roxy free . She spends a couple years on a boat that sails up and down the Mississippi as a chambermaid . She chooses to remember " Tom " as nice and kind and overlooks his cruelty in her memories . She returns broke because a bank went bankrupt and lost her money . She at first begs " Tom " to help her and give her a few dollars . He remains cruel and mean and says no until she holds over his head knowledge of what he thinks is his gambling debt . She reveals to him the truth , that he is actually her son and a nigger . From then on he struggles and gives her large amounts of money every week . This is interesting because Roxy seems to only care about the money that she can get from her son . She cares naught about him and has no problem black mailing her own son . After a while she asserts her control and begins dictating what " Tom " needs to do so he can keep him inheritance from the Judge who was Percy Driscolls brother and caretaker of " Tom " . The way that Roxy treats the inheritance is almost as if it is far more important than " Tom " to her . She is very self interested and only cares about her own well being , and seems to only care for " Tom " because he is the fulcrum that her well being swings on . Although when things turn for the worse again and " Tom " once again gets himself into gambling debt . She offers to sell herself into slavery again so he can pay off his debt and keep his inheritance . He betrays her and sells her down river and iPosted by The few short stories and full length Twain stories we 've read have had very similar themes . Most deal with slavery , racism , titles , birthrights , and peoples roles in society . In most of the stories , Twain has two characters switch places ; sometimes on purpose , and sometimes without either characters knowledge . The Prince and The Pauper is the first novel that we read that dealt with Tom and Edward switching places , and really learning the lesson that the grass isn 't greener on the other side . The book brings up the fact that relatively no loved ones or family members can tell the difference between either boy . ( Eventually Tom Canty 's mother realizes that Edward is not her son , but it does take a while ) . " Pudd ' N Head Wilson " is the story of two boys and how they deal with growing up , not knowing that they are living lies . The real Chamber 's mother , Roxy , switched the babies at birth so that her son could grow up as a white man and be saved from being sold down the river . This story is also able to succeed because once again , the father of Tom ( the white slaver owner ) , cannot tell the difference between the two boys . But as I read these books , and listened to the discussions in class , I was wondering whether Twain would be as effective now - a - days , as he was when these books were released . He constantly used the twins or people switching places ploy / hoax , to bring about questions of whether a birthright exists , or if people will grow up differently , if they are given different opportunities . Although he pokes fun at America , and it being the land of opportunity , I feel that most people in modern times have about the same chance as being successful as their neighbor . This doesn 't mean that every person in America has the same chances , but I feel as though the playing field has definitely evened out over the last 50 years or so . Most of Twain 's writing deals with huge themes like slavery and racism , which I mentioned before , and was able to use some very cool plot devices to help readers see things from other angles . We still have problems within society , but I still don 't think that Twain would be as influential if he lived in todays world . Now , I 'm sure that Twain would use different types of story telling to poke fun at the American lifestyle or politics , but I do think that the level of opportunity most Americans have , they can succeed without having to be born into money or status . Some of the counter arguments to this would be that people who are born into money / higher class status gives them a leg up on other , less fortunate , people . This is true , but if you look at some of the biggest success stories in recent times , like Bill Gates , JK Rowling , or even Barack Obama , you can see the trend of a person with a huge drive to succeed , struggling with either being poor , or having less opportunity that other , and in these cases , Gates , Rowling and Obama , were able to succeed . Do you think that in modern times , there is a better chance for people to be successful in their lives . Or do you think that you 're born into it ? While reading Pudd ' nhead Wilson , I have noticed that there is a huge power struggle between Roxy and Tom ( who is actually her biological son ) . This also brings up the gender and position that these two characters are in and who really holds the power in their relationship . One of the first times that we see Roxy take control and really show how much power she has in on page 108 - 109 , when she makes Tom get down on his knees and beg after she tells him about his true heritage and threatens to go to Judge Driscoll about the matter . This particular scene is important to understanding the struggle between the two characters because , for the first time , we see Roxy , an enslaved woman , take the upper - hand and almost switch the master - slave role with her son Tom . Throughout the novel , we continue to see Roxy struggle for power over her masters . After Tom sells her in the slave - trade , she is put on a plantation where she works out in the cotton fields . Once Roxy sees her master beat a little girl for trying to share her food , Roxy becomes infuriated and explains to Tom , " All de hell - fire dat ' uz ever in my heart flame ' up , en I snatch de stick outen his han ' en laid him flat " ( 183 ) . Again , we see Roxy take the upper - hand with her master and attempt to gain control . I find it very interesting that Twain uses an enslaved woman for this role . She doesn 't carry the docile role that many slaves in narrative embody , she is fighting to gain power and it seems as though she is trying to move up in societal classes . It makes me wonder if Twain himself struggled with issues of power , which compelled him to use a character that wasn 't seen as a human being at the time to challenge this role within society ? It also makes me wonder if he almost felt as though he was an enslaved person , almost trapped if you will , at the time ? Posted by " The Prince And The Pauper " page 158 . This quote really stuck out to me when I read it last night . I thought it was funny and made Tom Canty an even more real character . Throughout the book , Canty seemed to learn less and care more about the riches and rewards that come with being a King , instead of remembering his own life . This sentence was the first time in a while that Tom had seemed like his old self , and it seemed like he had a heart again . As I said before , I felt like it was done in a funny way , but I also think it showed that even though Tom had been subjected to the hardships in his life , he still remembered them while he was impersonating the King . Did anyone else feel that Tom Canty had forgotten his past , and was simply becoming another monarch that didn 't care about the poor , and only how many servants he had ? I am choosing to write about the role of cloths in The Prince and the Pauper . Clothing is a very important part of the way people are treated in the book . In the Prince and the Pauper Tom Canty , the pauper trades cloths with the prince of England , Edward . The two boys features are strickingly similar and the only difference is the cloths that they wore . After they switched the guards mistake the Prince for Tom because he is wearing rags . The prince is promptly kicked out of the palace and Tom is now believed to be the true prince . This theme of the cloths make the man is very common in Mark Twains stories . Another story where this is a theme is in the million pound bank note . When the poor man goes to buy things in his rags people laugh and do not treat him kindly but after he has purchased a suit on credit all stores treat him like royalty . The Prince and the Pauper has a similar theme . For even though Tom claims many times throughout the story that he is not the Prince they all believe that he has gone mad because he looks so much like the Prince . I chose the quote from the last page of Chapter 3 in The Prince and the Pauper : " Here the jeering crowd closed around the poor little prince and hustled him far down the road , hooting him , and shouting ' Way for his royal highness ! way for the Prince of Wales ! ' " ( Twain , 19 ) . I chose this quote because I think that it says a lot about what the prince and the pauper both expected to happen when they traded places . The prince thought that he was going to have this wonderful experience being able to do whatever he wanted without having to be royalty anymore but still being recognized as the prince . However , he soon realizes that since the people no longer see him as the prince , the is treated with no respect and pushed out of the way . The pauper thinks that he will be able to live his dream of becoming royalty and that he will enjoy this life more than the life that he had before . But once he is in the position of royalty , it is much different than how he had imagined it . Especially since no one can tell the difference between the two boys . They both end up in positions that they don 't enjoy being in , and I think that this quote sets up the rest of the book in the sense that both boys are no longer in their niches . Neither one of them has been treated the way they are now treated and Twain seems to poke fun at the fact that sometimes when we get what we want , we realize that we don 't really want it anymore . Posted by " And so I am become a knight of the Kingdom of Dreams and Shadows ! A most odd and strange position , truly , for one so matter - of - fact as I . I will not laugh - no , God forbid , for this thing which is so substanceless to me is real to him . And to me , also , in one way , it is not a falsity , for it reflects with truth the sweet and generous spirit that is in him . " page 65 My quote , as stated above , from The Prince and the Pauper , is said by Miles Hendon , who befriends the young Royal boy , Prince Edward VI . Miles Hendon does not know that Prince Edward VI is telling the truth , when he talks about his royalty , but Hendon plays along with the young prince 's illusions . Just a moment before the quote of the Kingdom of Dreams and Shadows , the prince had knighted Hendon and he thus refers to this whole episode of the young prince the " Kingdom of Dreams and Shadows " . Hendon thinks that the young boy is just fantasizing about being the Royal Prince , therefore , calling it a Kingdom of Dreams and Shadows ; only in slumber and in fantasy is Edward a prince and Hendon a knight ( so Hendon thinks - SURPRISE ! Edward is the future king of England ! ) Hendon thinks that his knighthood is just a boy 's play , but little does he know at this point in the story that he has actually been knighted and is not " substanceless " . Posted by Slavery is a prominent topic found in Mark Twain 's works . Relations between the colored and the whites occupy many stories authored by Twain , like in " A True Story " . Twain uses " Aunt Rachel " to portray a long known stereotype of the Sambo slave . The sambo slave is depicted as a person who is submissive , faithful , superstitious , childlike and content ; however , this portrayal may be just the outward persona a slave takes on , either to prevent a master 's suspicion of any funny business ( escape / rebellion plans - like Nat Turner ) or harsher punishment ( beatings or labor ) . The white masters came up with this idea of the " sambo " slave to provide a justistification for the enslavement of blacks . The justisitification goes as follows , the blacks can 't fend for themselves , therefore , the white masters must be the parent of the childlike slave , by creating a paternalistic relationship between the master and slave . This ideal of the " sambo " slave , that the white master thought was reality , was in fact , not reality at all but , an illusion put forth by the cunning slaves to mislead their true intentions and character 's . I found that Aunt Rachel in " A True Story " illustates the characteristics of the sambo slave , when she was " sitting respectfully below our level , on the steps " and when she was never heard sigh and always had a laugh in her eye ( Twain , 95 ) . She wasn 't planning a huge rebellion or escape , but Aunt Rachel put on a front that she was perfectly content and submissive , albeit this story was set in the post - civil war era . Maybe " Misto C " held fast to the inherited " sambo " slave figure , when he thought that Aunt Rachel had no trials or tribulations in her lifetime . Maybe Misto C had thought that Aunt Rachel was just content , submissive , and happy to be serving the white folk , or maybe that 's just what Aunt Rachel wanted him to believe and think , like most " sambo " slaves did . But of course , this is all speculation of Misto C 's mindset . Was Aunt Rachel playing the part of the " sambo " slave ? Or was Misto C just an ignorant idiot who didn 't pay attention to details ( emotions ) ? Or was Misto C oblivious to the fact that Aunt Rachel had deep human emotions - which also begs to the ask if Misto C regarded blacks as fellow human beings ? We may never know the answers to these questions solely based on " A True Story " , but it doesn 't help to wonder about what Twain wanted us to contemplate about the slavery era and race relations between coloreds and whites . During class , we have discussed one of the topics that tend to be in many of Twain 's short stories : idealism vs . realism . I think that this is shown at great extents in his short story A Day at Niagara . In this story , the narrator , a white tourist , is visiting Niagara Falls and is expecting to have the perfect experience while there . However , he soon finds out that this is not the experience he will be getting . There is an overall tone of sarcasm is his voice while he talks about the time he spends at Niagara . At one point he says , " It is worth the price of admission to hear the guide tell the story nine times in succession to different parties , and never miss a word or alter a sentence or a gesture " ( 21 ) ; talking about how going on a tour isn 't really worth it because it is scripted . It 's not the authentic experience that everyone is looking for , even though most people buy into the idea that it is an authentic experience . The narrator also has this idea that he is going to encounter The Noble Red Man , a man that he has great respect for because the narrator has read about this Noble Red Man in books , and is fascinated by the character that he always plays . However , the tourist comes to find that the Noble Red Men of the area aren 't at all kind , like the woman at the store told him , and that they are actually Irish immigrants . When the tourist approaches these " relics " he addresses them in a very racial way by using stereotypical jargon that would generally not be used by an outsider of a group . After the first man he approaches gets angry with him , the tourist tries to find another group of Red Men to talk to so that he can get the response he is looking for . However , by the time he approaches the third group , they beat him up , break his bones , and throw him over the falls . Even though all of these terrible things keep happening to the narrator , he continues to pursue the experience he expects to have . He continually is unable to attain his expected experience . I think that this is seen all the jnippert The role of strangers in Mark Twain 's short stories is one of ill repute . In the story of The Notorious Jumping Frog of Calaveras County the narrator is looking for information on a person name Reverand Leonidas Smiley in a bar . He begins talking to a stranger by the name of Simon Wheeler who tells the narrator he knows nothing of the Reverand but he did know of a Jim Smiley . He tells of a Jim Smiley that was obssesed with gambling and who used to train animals to win bets for him . He trained a frog to jump higher than any other frog and named him Daniel Webster . One day he found a stranger willing to take his bet that his frog could jump higher than any other . The stranger says he would take Smileys bet if only he had a competing frog . Jim offers to go and find him one , and he does but while he is away the stranger fills Daniel Webster with shotgun buckshot . When the time comes for the competition Jim loses and the stranger gets away before Smiley figures out he was tricked . It would not be a great leap to say that Wheeler told the narrator this story to hint that he himself was tricking him and not telling him the information he desired . The strangers in the story were both distrustful . In The Man That Corrupted Hadleyburg the stranger leaves a sack of gold for the man in town that once lent him twenty dollars . The person must recite the statement he told the poor man after giving him the twenty dollars if he is to recieve the gold . The people who are first left with the money are the Richards . They tell Mr . Cox who owns the newspaper and give him the instructions for how to recieve the money so he may include it in the newspaper . All the citizens manage to reasonably conclude that it must have been the late Mr . Goodson who gave the poor man some money since he was the only one capable of making such a large donation . The meetings are held in the town hall and for the next three weeks not a soul in Hadleyburg can come up with the comment . Then the noble nineteen citizens of Hadleysburg all recieve a letter from a man named Stephenson who claims that Mr . Goodson only liked their family and would have wanted the money to be theirs . Stephenson says that he recalls that night and the comment is " You are far from being a bad man . Go , and reform " . Before the next meeting all ninteen households give the religious figure who is running the meeting a note that says they were the ones who gave the poor man the twenty dollars . The meeting is held and all but the Richards are found to be distrustful and corrupted after the relgious figure read off the same statement eighteen times . Their uncorruptable town was now proven to be corrupt . The stranger in this story was not to be trusted and wanted nothing more than the downfall of the town 's pride . This connects well with the story The E1 , 000 , 000 Note because the narrator of the story is given a one million pound note from two strangers . Although the strangers as Ms . Cooper has already summarized were good in nature and rewarded the narrator with a wife . This is interesting because it is the only story where a stranger has been anything but bad . It is also the only story that has not taken place in America . Perhaps this has some correlation . After reading Twain 's short story " The 1 , 000 , 000 Pound Bank Note , " the reader is asked to decide for themselves whether money is simply a symbol of wealth , or if it must be spent to be considered " wealth " . Twain raises an excellent question . I found myself wondering what would happen to the main character , Henry Adams , who before receiving the money from the two rich brothers , was actually a very poor man . The story begins with the two brothers arguing over the value and importance of money . Oliver believes that simply having the note will give the owner anything he wants , without him ever having to cash it . Rodereick , the other brother believes that since the note is worth so much money ( 1 , 000 , 000 pounds ) that no one will be able to cash it or offer change , so it will be rendered useless . Once the brothers decide to give the money to Henry , his life begins to change dramatically . Henry tries returning the note at first , but the brothers had left town so that the experiment could commence . With one million dollars in his pocket , Henry decides to go get some food and then new clothes . But what he starts to realize is that at first , no one will help him , simply because they can tell by his ragged clothes that he 's poor , but then they all change when he shows them the note . He gets his food put on account , and is told that he can spend as much as he likes , and that the owner trusts him to come back and pay . Henry tells the restaurant owner that he doesn 't know when he 'll be back in the town , but still , because he 's seen the 1 million dollar note , the owner trusts Henry to return with the money . Check out a trailer for the 1954 film As Henry begins to " spend " more money , more and more people begin to know who he is , and he soon begins to be written about in the paper . Even though no one can break the 1 million pound note , he is still able to buy and do whatever he wants as soon as he shows people the note . The best comparison I can make to modern times is that Twain is comparing this 1 million pound note to credit cards . Just as we buy on credit when we use credit cards , so does Henry . By the end of the story , we realize that Oliver is correct when he bet that just simply having the note would make the owner wealthy . Money was just a symbol . People treated Henry differently and with much more respect once they saw the note than before . I think this really relates to the old saying : don 't judge a book by its cover . We are always told this as children , but as we saw through this story , Henry was judged until he showed everyone his one million dollar note . After reading the story , did you think that the money affected Henry more , or if the use of the note affected other peoples perceptions of him more ? Posted by
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Your life is shaped by the reference points through which you experience the world , which you establish based on your own past experiences . You must learn to take these experiences , and frame them in a way that makes you stronger . Your experiences create the filters through which you see the world , so you must avoid letting negative past experiences hurt you in the present . Instead , focus on references that empower you and interpret the world for your benefit . I spent the summer following my first year of law school working at the Department of Justice ( the " DOJ " ) in Washington , DC . The entire summer and the events leading up to it resulted in one of the strangest experiences I have ever had . After I got the job with the DOJ , I was required to undergo a security clearance with the Federal Bureau of Investigation . After contacting and questioning many people I knew in the past , the FBI also required me to take a physical and a drug test . In late spring , I went in for the physical when I was studying for my final exams . It was like something out of a Frankenstein movie . There was a skeleton hanging by a wire inside the doctor 's office and the whole place was very disorganized . He started telling me strange stories about grisly things like a decapitation case he had worked on at the morgue . The doctor looked like a mad scientist - his hair was disheveled and his comments were bizarre . I was the last patient of the day on a Friday afternoon . The doctor had to let me out of the building because everyone was gone for the day . On Saturday , I went to the library around 5 : 00 pm and did not return until 1 : 30 am . When I got home , there was a message on my answering machine . The machine said it had been received about 45 minutes previously , at 12 : 45 am : " Hello , this is the doctor who did your physical on Friday . It is important that I speak with you right away … please call me immediately ! Your exam was fine . This is about something far more urgent ! " He left no number , and I searched frantically for the number of the clinic . I couldn 't imagine why the doctor would be calling me at such a strange hour . I called the clinic and an answering machine picked up . I did not leave a message . On Sunday , I called again and the machine picked up again . I still did not leave a message . Job Search On Monday , I came home from the library around noon or so and called the clinic again . This time someone did pick up . I asked to speak with the doctor . My boss wanted me to live in his home while he and his family traveled throughout Europe for the summer . I took up residence in his basement , where I was surrounded by boxes and a collection of hard liquor bottles . Despite the surroundings , the living conditions in the basement were much better than the skid row hotel . There were lots of things I did not enjoy about working with the DOJ . In addition to the supernatural death experience with the doctor a few weeks before , and the time I spent in the skid row hotel , I was now living with a bird in a basement surrounded by liquor bottles and boxes of old albums . My job was strange as well . I was working in a huge building with hardly any windows . The pay was low and the people I was working with did not appear happy . ( There are numerous different divisions within the DOJ , so my experience was perhaps not the norm ; however , I found the entire experience thoroughly unpleasant . ) One of the strangest things about my experience working with the DOJ was the group of people with whom I shared an office . Every day , a very large woman would come in with a man who looked no more than 20 and they would sit in the office with me all day . They would do nothing but spend the majority of their time eating and looking at me . There were no computers on their desks and I never saw them on the phone . As far as I knew , they did nothing . When I would type , they would seem annoyed . " Gotta hit those keys , " one would say . " Yep , hit ' em up ! " the other would chime in . I was involved in research projects that made no sense to me . One of them involved a bunch of hypothetical questions about nuclear powered airplanes exploding over subdivisions in North Carolina . The job , the people , Washington , DC … none of it was very appealing . I remember the phone ringing in the house late one evening , and I rushed upstairs from the basement to grab it . It was a relative of mine I had not spoken to in some time who was working overseas . There was a delay in the communication because he was in Poland at the time ( I think for the CIA ) and he was calling on what sounded like a satellite phone . I told my relative I was not interested in working for the government , the pay was low and that the work was not very exciting - and was , in fact , bizarre . This was , of course , due to the division I was working in , not just the government affiliation . I will never forget what my relative said to me . For me , this was not what I wanted in my life . This person was trying to provide me a reference , claiming this was what I should expect out of my life and was the best I could do . This was not the reference I wanted . My idea of what it meant to be a lawyer was much more than this . Had I chosen to believe this relative and accept that assessment , I may have spent my life doing something I did not enjoy . I have provided you so much detail about my experience because I quickly created a reference for myself that the worst possible thing that could happen to me was to work for the government . I had such a strange and bad experience I came to believe I needed to expect something far different for myself . Working for the government had gone from being my dream to my nightmare . This makes no sense , of course . Working for the government offers incredible opportunity , but our references are what control how we think about things . People , like my relative , provide us with references as to how we may choose to view our lives , and we can either accept them or deny them . Here , I reacted with rage . " Are you kidding ? This is the last freaking thing I 'll ever want for myself ! " I think I may have hung up on the relative and not spoken to him for weeks afterward . I know my relative must have been perplexed by my reaction . His implication that this was the best I could expect made me furious . I did not want to be judged for being part of the government world . At the age of 21 , Billy Joel had been playing in bars for seven years . The life he saw in front of him was depressing . He was not always treated well in bars and , according to one account , drunks had actually spit on him when he was playing the piano . He had a series of misfortunes , was drinking too much , and simply wanted to die . He wasn 't even making a very good living playing piano . In a 2002 essay in Time magazine , Joel wrote : " The band thing wasn 't working . I had no money . I had had a series of jobs like oystering , landscaping , pumping gas . I was homeless . I slept in laundromats or in cars . I was crashing at friends ' houses . I 'd sneak into my mom 's house and sleep there . I didn 't want to move back home ; I didn 't want to admit defeat . I actually tried to commit suicide at 21 . I drank furniture polish . I had no purpose in life , and I thought it was all over . I checked myself into an observation ward [ in a hospital ] for a while because I knew I was suicidal . I wanted to get some help , and I had an epiphany . I saw people who had profound emotional problems . These people were manic - depressives and paranoid schizophrenics . I looked around and said to myself , I don 't have any problems . I realized all I was doing was being absurdly self - absorbed and giving in to self - pity , and I wanted to just get out . So I told them what they wanted to hear . I took the medicine . I walked around with the bathrobe open in the a __ , like in One Flew Over the Cuckoo 's Nest . People were moaning and groaning all night , and I thought , please , just let me get out of here , and I 'll never be that stupid again . This experience was one of the best things I have ever gone through . I have never given in to any kind of self - pity for longer than two minutes since then . I realized I can solve my own problems . It showed me that what I thought was my own hell was nothing compared with the hell of others . I have taken that 21 - year - old with me throughout my life . He has helped me through the deaths of friends , family matters , personal - relationship issues , minefields of the music business , writer 's block . " ( Time , Jan . 21 , 2002 ) The most important things we have in our lives are references . What determines the quality of our lives is how we evaluate situations . When I think about Joel , I also think of my early experience with the government . I formed beliefs about what the government was like and used this to propel myself away from it . Joel used his experience " going crazy " to propel his mind away from feeling sorry for himself and towards being grateful for where he was and the life he could have . The reference and association he made in his mind made him change the way he approached life and his place in it . Years later , of course , Joel would go on to be one of the most famous musicians in the world , become fabulously wealthy , and marry one of the most beautiful women in the world , Christie Brinkley . How can a man go from drinking furniture polish at the age of 21 to the heights of stardom and greatness that few ever experience ? According to Joel , having seen people who were really suffering made him realize there was no reason why he should ever feel sorry for himself again . By having seen the other side , he very quickly realized how much his life meant and how much he had to look forward to . I have never used drugs , or even tried them . There is a reason for this . When I was growing up , I saw numerous lives practically destroyed by recreational drugs at a very young age . A drug - crazed maniac shot and killed my stepsister when I was in second grade . My school also had a program where the police came around a couple of times a year and showed people in our class pictures of drug related deaths . Speakers came to our school and talked about the dangers of drugs , how people died , or had their lives otherwise destroyed by them . From the time I was seven or eight years old until now , I have always been terrified of drugs - that is my reference to drugs . The references you have for the way the world is will impact everything that happens to you . These references will shape your life . The people who achieve the most in the world are the people who are empowered by , and not dragged down by , references . One of the best things you can do is allow your references to empower you in a positive and not a negative way . So many people create negative references from their experiences and their lives are paralyzed and hurt forever by them . One of the saddest things that can happen to a person is to be sexually abused when they are young . While growing up , I knew two girls who had been sexually abused by their own fathers . Each girl reacted differently to the experience . One gained a lot of weight so she would not be attractive to men and became angry , hateful , and bitter . The other girl became incredibly attractive and also promiscuous . After years of therapy , the promiscuous one told me she had used sex as a control mechanism over men to prove she owned her body and her father did not . She viewed sex as a way to have control instead of something that was about bonding . Both of these women allowed a bad experience and reference to control the course of their lives and affect how they saw themselves in the world and interacted with it . I often think about these two women because the contrast is so remarkable . People use their experiences and what happens to them in different ways . Some people use their references for good and others for bad . People who achieve the most in the world and in their lives do so because of the references they hold in their minds . Your references do not need to be things that have happened in the past . They can also be references you set up for yourself and what will happen in your future . When Sony first started marketing radios in the United States in the middle of the 1950s , Bulova offered to purchase 100 , 000 units , but insisted they be marketed under the Bulova brand name . This was to be the largest order Sony had ever received and would give the floundering company money to grow and prosper . At the time , Sony co - founder Akio Morita barely had any money . With some of the last money he had to his name , Morita called Sony headquarters in Japan from the United States and told them about the order . They encouraged Morita to take the order . Morita was firm he did not want to accept the order and told headquarters that he was not going to take it . Headquarters thought he was crazy . When Morita told Bulova about his decision , they stated , " Our company name is a famous brand name that has taken over fifty years to establish . Nobody has ever heard of your brand name . Why not take advantage of ours ? " His rejoinder to Bulova : " Fifty years ago , your brand name must have been just as unknown as our name is today . I am here with a new product , and I am taking the first step for the next fifty years of my company . Fifty years from now I promise you that our name will be just as famous as your company name is today . " The references you create for yourself about what you will be and what you can be control your destiny . The filters through which we view life and the world have a stunning effect on what ends up happening to us and shaping our futures . Your beliefs and values come from the references you give yourself . We use references to give us certainty about the way things are . When Thomas Edison was designing the light bulb and failing again and again , he did not say " Aw , what 's the use ? " Instead , he told himself he was one step closer to creating the light bulb each time he failed . He used failure as a reference to show he was getting closer to his goal . How do you interpret the world around you ? You succeed in life by creating references that empower you rather than drag you down . In my job with the government , I could have taken my early experience to mean there was something " supernatural " about me working there and that people would " come to my aid , " such as my boss who offered me a free place to live . I could have decided I was working on the most incredible projects of all time , projects that would shape national policy and what happened in the world . I could have told myself my experience was something that could lead to me being the President of the United States and to help millions of people both in our country and around the world . I could have easily given my experience that meaning . You can do the same thing with your work and life experiences . Let your experiences empower you . Give them positive , not negative meaning . When you look at your past in a way that empowers you , every single day is a new opportunity for growth . When you look at your past in this way , you may realize the worst days of your life were actually your best . Link a different meaning to your experiences so you can be stronger . Billy Joel took a horrible event and linked something incredibly positive to it . The transformation of this experience made him strong and gave him a life that would empower any one of us . He also used this experience to empower the world through his music . You can rationalize any experience you have the same way Joel did . When I was growing up , I was exceptionally good at soccer . At one point I was so good I was not allowed to play on regular teams . Instead , I was on a special team for all of Detroit that traveled around playing different teams in other parts of the state . After a couple years of this , however , I rapidly lost all interest in soccer and sports in general . It was too much pressure . Too much was expected of me and the game was no longer fun . It was so competitive and brutal I would feel badly about myself after virtually every game unless I got a " hat trick " ( three goals ) . Because I had great talent , I was expected to practice all the time . Although I played varsity soccer my first year of high school , I stopped playing after that and was no longer interested . I did not want the pressure . I made different kinds of friends and dropped out of the game forever . I became friends with the sorts of kids who did not play sports and got into trouble . I was escaping life as an athlete . It made no sense . I formed the wrong references and made the game represent something other than what it was . The fact is we give things the meanings we choose . Have you ever stopped doing something at which you were talented ? If so , the chances are very good you stopped doing it because you allowed yourself to form a different meaning of what it was . We view things through the lenses we choose . Everyone looks at the world based on the experiences they have had in the past and what they mean . Different religions view the world in different ways . If you were to eat a steak in India , a Hindu would be horrified . If you tried to shake the hand of an Orthodox Jew of a different sex , they would pull their hand away in shock . If you tried to take a practicing Mormon to a bar and have a drink with them , they would be repulsed . We view the world based on the sorts of experiences we have had and what we tell ourselves about the world mean . We view the world through filters , and it is important we realize the filters we are using are not always the correct ones . We use references to create the filters we use to see the world . I want to encourage you to stand guard at the door of your mind . Do not let your past represent something negative that can hurt you now . None of us have had perfect life experiences . There is something inside of you , however , that is holding you back from reaching for the stars in your career . You are capable of so much . How different would the memories of high school have been for me if I had allowed myself to be a star soccer player ? How different would Billy Joel 's life have been if he 'd allowed himself to stay depressed ? How different would your life be today if you allowed your past to empower you ? How different would your present be if you knew you were capable of greatness and accepted nothing but the best for yourself , like Morita of Sony ? There is no limit to your life except the limits you impose on it . Your career and the world are wide open to you . Try to look at everything you 've done in the past as a powerful lesson that 's making you stronger and better every day . Never be limited by your own mind . Allow your mind to interpret the world for your benefit , and not your detriment . Your life is shaped by the reference points through which you experience the world , that you establish based on your past experiences . You must learn to take these experiences and frame them in a way that makes you stronger . Your experiences create the filters through which you see the world , so you must avoid letting negative past experiences hurt you in the present . Instead , focus on references that empower you and interpret the world for your benefit . Related Posts : Learn from Every Experience You Have Ever Had In this article , Harrison explains how everyday experiences provide profound lessons as well as a … Putting Yourself Out There and Your Heart , Body and Soul You must desire success in whatever you are doing , and make sure that desire matches … The Importance of Sacrifice to Our Careers You must constantly be sacrificing in order to ensure advancement in your life . You will … Your Job Search and Future Prospects Will Be … In this article , Harrison explains how the company you keep will inevitably be a major … Never Have Secrets Do not keep any secrets in your career ; people who keep parts of their lives … Joe Interesting article . I have always believed in this idea . I , myself , love my job , and can 't see myself doing anything else . I may not be rich , but I 'm comfortable ; I have what I want and need , and I am literally debt free . I 've managed to make some interesting opportunities with my career , such as teaching in India , Myanmar , Philippines , Singapore , Taiwan , and Malaysia . I wouldn 't be this happy if I hadn 't used my past experience to learn from and guide me in my current life choices . There 's always an opportunity , we just have to be open to them . I am currently looking for work after having gotten laid off . I really enjoyed this article , it made me realize that the only limits placed on my career potential are those I make myself . Thanks ! I , personally , am fighting a battle being drawn in five different directions by any of the four great entrepreneurial ideas I want to pursue and my pending attorney job - searches through EC . Although I successfully have been a lawyer and a small business CEO for the past 7 years , I have been ashamed of this in applying for jobs ( mostly general counsel jobs with large companies ) . In my heart I don 't ever want to go back to a cube again , and I think I am sabotaging myself in this job - search process . I am currently looking for work after having gotten laid off . I really enjoyed this article , it made me realize that the only limits placed on my career potential are those I make myself . Thanks ! This article helps a lot to find jobs and to know about job searching sites . Thank fir that Article it really touched a nerve . I am trying to stay focused and positive . I am so proud of all the children I saved despite the hostile work environments I endured . I know I can find a great job . I deserve it . I prey that your firm can help me in that quest . The first story I read was creep . I I have seen other people who works for the federal government and they do absolute nothing . I blame their supervisors who have no sense of what is going on . What a powerful post . Thank you for pointing out the power of our minds . You 've inspired me to take a look at the references that have shaped my view of the world now . I am 59 years old and was laid off from my job of 8 years on Oct . 31 , 2008 . The job was as manager of the credit and funding departments for an internet company providing sub - prime auto financing to dealerships . Because of the economy and lack of employment in both the auto industry and in finance , I went to school and obtained my paralegal certification in December 2009 . There are indeed jobs available paralegals . However , I have been unable to find anything that does not require 2 - 7 years experience and a bachelor 's degree . I 've applied for any type of job available at law firms in order to get my foot in the door . There have been no responses . Employment agencies have noting available for new paralegals . I 's all very frustrating . Do you have any suggestions ? I like your essay a lot . The way you think is very helpfull and specially today it came to my when I needed . You should be proud of yourself because you are capable of make a change in a lot of people like me . Giving encouragment is a wonderful think and I wanted to thank you for shering your experiances ant thoughts . I may not be rich , but I 'm comfortable ; I have what I want and need , and I am literally debt free . I 've managed to make some interesting opportunities with my career , such as teaching in India , Myanmar , Philippines , Singapore , Taiwan , and Malaysia . I wouldn 't be this happy if I hadn 't used my past experience to learn from and guide me in my current life choices . I just read a couple of your blogs and they were great , I have never been a critic and started out living life on my own terms , by starting a very sucessful company at age 20 . After beening very sucessful for many years I made the mistake of accepting a job in Corporate America . Don 't take me wrong , it was great , money for nothing , you certainly don 't have to work for a living . Great , until 16 months ago when I was laid off , there I was in the same boat I was in 30 years before except that now 100 , 000 people have capitalized on my idea and instead of being the only person doing it , I am an also ran . Now I have to recreate the wheel of what it takes to restart my company . So I have been working AT it instead of getting the fire back in my belly I had at 20 , getting off my duff and doing it again . I need to read your blog once a week until I am a point again where I owe the IRS 380 , 000 Everyone must focus on things that empower their own lives at all times . I know that all I need is to change my life with good experiences , good vision , and a good way . That 's why I read your article carefully . After reading it , I have found out how to handle my issues , which will allow me to overcome the difficulties of life . Your life is shaped by the reference points through which you experience the world , which you establish based on your own past experiences . You must learn to take these experiences , and frame them in a way that makes you stronger . Your experiences create the filters through which you see the world , so you must avoid letting negative past experiences hurt you in the present . Instead , focus on references that empower you and interpret the world for your benefit . Despite the obvious advantages , getting jobs through a friend or relative may ultimately harm you . When you do so , you risk lowering your colleagues ' opinions of you , who may see your connections as evidence that you lack the skills to get your position on your own merits . Nonetheless , there are situations in which it is acceptable to take advantage of such connections , but you must be on your guard ; make sure that the job you get is a good fit , and one in which you would perform well regardless of your connections . continue reading recent posts Relationships , Inefficiency , and Your Career
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Back ChaptersStory Index1 . Foreboding2 . Restless Spirits and Retribution3 . A Riddle Wrapped In A Conundrum4 . Stormy Weather5 . Slytherin 's Treasure6 . On Edge7 . Hawks At Play8 . A Long Way Away9 . A Wicked Gathering10 . In the Forest of the Night11 . Sylvanor 's Children12 . Mist and Shadows13 . That Which Is Hidden14 . The Request15 . Herbology Lessons16 . Pursuit17 . Decoy18 . Growing Up Tom Riddle19 . Orphanage on the Hill20 . Where the Dead Walk21 . Tempted22 . Fallen23 . Potion Master 's Peril24 . Witherspoon 's Rescue25 . A True Apprentice26 . Winning Over Hedwig27 . A Valiant Recovery28 . A Reader 's Advice29 . The Ritual of Renewal30 . Sojourn31 . The Death Eaters Strike Back32 . What Will You Sacrifice ? 33 . The Mastery of Fear34 . Dwellers In the Cruicible35 . Danger Comes A Callin ' 36 . Alerting the Order37 . Hawks and Phoenixes38 . Rebirth39 . And A Familiar Shall Lead Them40 . The Last Horcrux41 . " . . . and teach death to die " 42 . Victory 's Price43 . Remorse and Reconciliation44 . Of Fathers and Sons45 . Dumbledore 's Offer46 . Home To Spinner 's End47 . The New Headmaster48 . Those Mysterious Muggle Ways49 . Bearding the Minister50 . The Best Scoop Ever51 . Confronting the Problem52 . The Problem Worsens53 . The Marauders Help Out54 . Healer Sandrilas55 . In War 's Shadow56 . To Conquer the Dark57 . In A Tight Spot58 . A Memorable Vacation59 . Past Regrets60 . Circle of Friends61 . Sixteen Candles62 . Privet Drive , Once More63 . Epilogue - - - - Dawn Flight Next Two Hawks Hunting by Snapegirl Background : Font color : The next morning , Harry listened , rapt , as Hedwig related what had happened to her after she had diverted the maldecorvae back in Italy . . . . I flew for many winglengths , a very long way , before the bloody crows stopped chasing me . At first , I had to turn and fight with talons and beak nearly every two or three winglengths . It was hard , I have not fought like that since I trained with my old teacher , Master Swift Wind , who was the owl combat instructor at Hogwarts . Indeed we do . Post owls are exposed to many dangers as we deliver mail , Harry . We must learn to fly through any kind of inclement weather , including hail and lightning , for the mail must always be delivered , such is the post owl motto . And often we can run into other animals who regard us as tasty snacks , like griffins or rocs or cats . So , we are taught when young fledglings how to defend ourselves should we be attacked by any number of creatures , including other flying predators . But most often our greatest advantage is our flight speed . We can fly three times as fast as an ordinary owl , and some of us , like myself , even faster when we push ourselves . Few birds or other flying magical creatures can catch a post owl at top speed . Hedwig said somewhat smugly . She was perched up a low hanging branch of a beech tree that overlooked the campsite , telling Harry and Severus her story . The Potions Master was stirring a cauldron of cinnamon oatmeal , listening to the owl as he did so , he found her account fascinating . He could now , like Harry , understand the language of raptors and other birds if he listened carefully , due to prolonged exposure in his Animagus shape . He was very grateful for that , as he did not have to shift into Warrior in order to understand Hedwig when he was in human form now . " Go on please , Hedwig , " he said , stirring more vigorously as the porridge thickened . It was early in the morning , around eight o ' clock , neither he nor Harry were late sleepers and both seemed to wake up early , without the aid of an alarm clock . Anyway , the maldecorvae , being magical themselves , did not have to rest as frequently as an ordinary bird would have , and they kept up with me , for the most part . Occasionally five or more would attempt to mob me , trying to knock me out of the sky by beating and pecking at my wings and face . But I kept diving and rolling and using that maneuver you hawks are so fond of , the stoop , to keep them at bay . I believe I killed a good many of them before they quit chasing me . And the werewolves were following , howling and screeching like harpies from the abyss , but I flew too high for one of them to attempt to catch me . By the time that loutish beast Greyback realized he was being led upon a wild dodo bird chase , he had gone miles out of the way , across Austria and into Russia . Oh , how he bellowed and screamed then , and gnashed his teeth and ripped out his fur ! It was great fun to see him act just like a cross little baby ! One that needed a good spanking , I might add ! Then he tried to backtrack , but it was too far and he used some kind of magic , I think it may have been a Portkey , to leave there . But where he went , I did not know , and I feared he would try and ambush you , so I flew as quickly and as hard as I could towards the Channel . I must say , I was so relieved and happy to see you both alive and well . " So were we to see you , " Severus told the owl , giving the porridge one final stir , adding a handful or two of raisins , and then dishing it up to Harry and himself . " I am glad you were too clever and feisty to get caught . But I 'm wondering now where is Greyback ? " " Yes , that is possible , " agreed Snape , seating himself near his apprentice and eating his own breakfast . " Lucius will not be too pleased to learn that Greyback failed . Which is why after breakfast I will be teaching you three combat spells , ones that you are to use only when your life is in grave danger . Understood ? " Severus fixed his ward with a stern look . " I am serious , Potter . These spells are deadly if misused , any of them can kill , though they are not Unforgivables . Two are my own inventions , the other is a standard attack spell used by Aurors . We will be using practice dummies as targets . And be warned , using your magic to harm will drain you quicker than almost anything else , so choose your spells and battles wisely . I had hoped to avoid confrontation with the werewolves by traveling quickly to the orphanage , but if they are already here , then we might have to fight before or after we arrive there , so I want you to be prepared . " Just then a strange owl circled overhead , she was a dark brown Great Horned Owl , before she shot downward to land upon Severus 's shoulder in a thunder of wings . Seraphina ! Hedwig hooted in greeting . Good morning to you , Hedwig ! Seraphina replied to the other owl , then she turned to Snape and hissed , Greetings , Master Severus and Master Harry . I am happy to see you are well and not injured . I bear a message from Headmaster Dumbledore . She held out her leg for Severus to remove the message cylinder from her foot . Seraphina ruffled her feathers and gave a low hoot of amusement . Do not wo - o - rry so , Warrior . We do not expect treats from our brothers - in - feathers , that is for humans , who often do not appreciate the service we perform for them . I am only glad that I reached you when I did , I set out from Hogwarts around seven o ' clock in the morning , I believe , but the Headmaster said the message I carried was very urgent . " Thank you , Seraphina . " Severus told her . " Freedom and I appreciate your timely flight . " You - whoo are most welcome ! And now , I must be off again , I have a batch of new post younglings to train . Farewell , my brothers and sister , may the winds favor your wings and the Wind Lord guard you . Then she launched off of the professor 's shoulder and was airborne in a few wingbeats . In another minute , she was gone . " Wait a moment and I will tell you , " Severus rebuked quietly , then broke the seal upon the cylinder and extracted the rolled up message . He opened it and read the following line aloud . " They shall be hunted upon all sides , until the end is nigh , darkness stalks them unseen , but a steadfast and true heart shall overcome all . Thus I have Seen and so it shall be ! " Severus frowned . " Yes , and perhaps the Death Eaters as well . But there is hope , for a steadfast and true heart shall overcome all . We must keep that in mind , Harry . Remain focused and true to our purpose and ourselves and we shall succeed . " Severus ' encouraging tone made Harry feel much better , despite the prophecy 's grim warning . If Severus was not intimidated by the prophecy , then he would not be either . " ' Course we will . Together we can do anything , " he said , sounding more confident than he actually felt . The feeling of foreboding he had that first night in Little Hangleton had returned full force , but he resolutely pushed it aside . Worrying about what might be was not going to help anything . " Are you finished with breakfast , Harry ? " Snape asked . At his nod , the professor banished the remainder of the porridge and packed up the tent and the cauldron and dishes with a flick of his wand . Another flick and a small stuffed doll with a red X upon its chest flew out of Severus 's pack . " Engorgio ! " Snape pointed his wand and the doll grew to a lifesize dummy and Snape used a Sticking Charm to fasten it to a large oak some ten feet away . He turned to his apprentice . " Come over here beside me , Mr . Potter . Wand out and pay attention . " When Harry had obeyed , standing next to him , Severus continued . " The first spell I 'm going to show you is one Aurors commonly use when they are trying to bring down a large number of dark wizards at once . It is a Blasting Curse , and when done properly , can blow a hole in a building or even knock one down , if the wizard casting knows how to place it where it can do the most damage . If a person is hit by a Blasting Curse , I am told it is very much like getting hit with a hand grenade . " He leveled his ebony wand at the dummy . " When you cast a spell like this , it is always important to remember to aim first before you cast , proper aim can be the difference between life and death . So . . . aim and then speak the following incantation - Confringo ! " A tiny ball of light shot out of Severus 's wand and struck the red X upon the dummy and the dummy exploded into fragments . There was a loud ka - boom ! Afterwards and wood chips as well as cloth batting rained down on the clearing . Snape lowered his wand and gestured and the dummy reformed and returned to the same spot upon the oak tree . " And that is what a properly aimed Blasting Curse can do . " Harry whistled , then shivered when he thought of what one could do to a human being . Suddenly he wasn 't quite as excited about learning battle magic . But he squared his shoulders and said gamely , " Can I give it a go ? " " Good . Now for the next spell . This one is one of my personal ones , I invented it during my sixth year , since at the time I feared being killed by Voldemort and wanted a way I could defend myself . It is called Sectumsempra , and is designed to cut an enemy multiple times deeply , so quickly that if not countered immediately , the victim of it could die from blood loss . The Latin meaning of the spell is " always cut " . You can cast this spell nonverbally , so your enemy can be taken by surprise , but since we haven 't covered that aspect of magic yet , I shall teach you how to cast it the normal way . " " Because that way would take more time than we presently have . When we have more time , after this quest is finished , then I shall take all the time you wish to teach you more Defense and wandless and nonverbal magic . It 's a shame that Dumbledore never thought to prepare you by having you trained before . " Instantly , huge gaping rents appeared on the dummy , all across the chest and stomach of the stuffed body . Stuffing fell out upon the ground . " There , now you can see what it would look like if you were hit with it . " " It would . As if you 'd been sliced open by a half a dozen swords , " Snape said matter - of - factly . " Aim the spell at an appendage , such as an ear or a hand , and it can slice it off . That is why I never teach this spell to any student unless it is absolutely necessary . " Harry felt his stomach do a flipflop at the thought of making somebody 's hand fall off . He didn 't know if he could cast this . He pointed his wand at the dummy , aiming for the stuffed doll 's heart , and spoke the spell . " Sectumsempra ! " Harry cast again , with marginally better results . " Your will is wavering , that 's why the spell is fizzling at the end , " Severus reproved . " Close your eyes . Now imagine maldecorvae attacking Hedwig and ripping her apart . Imagine werewolves overrunning Sylvanor and Hogwarts and hurting Meadowsweet and your friends . You hear them calling for you in your mind , begging you to save them , and you have seconds in which to do it . " So compelling was Snape 's voice that Harry nearly believed the phantom imagining was real . Harry 's eyes snapped open at Snape 's barked command and he cast Sectumsempra without thinking about it , and this time the dummy sagged and slipped down the tree , sliced to ribbons . He gaped at the ruined mess of cloth . " I . . . did it . " " With the right motivation you can cast anything . You weren 't putting enough of your will behind the spell before , you were thinking too much . You must learn to react and not think in battle . Do it again . " " Because battle magic is very draining , summoning all that anger and will is hard , especially at first . " Severus explained . " If I had more time , I 'd be pushing you to work through this , but I 'm going easy on you for now . You need to be able to use magic when we reach the orphanage and you can 't if I exhaust you . Rest for two more minutes , then I 'll show you the last spell . " " Up , Potter . " Severus beckoned him to his feet . " This last spell is another one of mine , to be used as a last resort , because it can harm both friend and foe if you cast it in an enclosed space , like a room . It 's called Firestorm . " His tunnel of fire was not as large as his mentor 's but it was respectable enough , considering Harry was not even a sixth year yet . Severus told him he had done a good job . Harry cast that spell once more before Severus called a halt . Harry prayed he could stay on his feet and not disgrace himself by passing out . The brief rests served to keep the exhaustion at bay , but just barely . When Severus beckoned , Harry pushed himself to his feet with a groan . Severus ignored it , and said , " The best way to learn counters is by seeing another perform them and then copying them . So . . . I want you to cast a Blasting Curse at me . " He walked over to the tree where the dummy was and faced Harry . Harry drew in a deep breath and cast . To his immense relief , the spell was deflected . Snape sent it off through the trees to impact harmlessly on the ground . One by one he cast the battle spells at Severus and one by one Snape deflected them with a lazy flick of his wand . " Watch closely , Potter ! " he ordered , when it seemed that Harry 's attention was drifting . " See how I move my wand a quarter turn - thus ! " he demonstrated again , slowing down the movement so Harry could study it . " And turn my wrist inward , like so . " Harry concentrated , trying to absorb the lesson into his head despite the weariness that was threatening to consume him . You HAVE to learn this , it 's important . If you don 't learn the counters you 'll be dead when you face a real Death Eater . He drew upon the old reserves of stubbornness and endurance he had within him , that he hadn 't tapped since the summer before when he lived with the Dursleys . He had often done work when he was toppling over from hunger and exhaustion , or sick to the point of fainting . A little tiredness was nothing , he reproved , and made himself concentrate harder . " Show me what you 've learned , Potter ! " Severus barked . Harry lifted his wand and repeated the counters for all the spells , one after the other . Severus watched and corrected him where necessary , then had him perform the counter until it was perfect , or as near to perfect as Harry could come to it . After another hour , Snape called a halt and allowed his apprentice to drink some water and eat an energy bar he had packed . Harry was grateful for the respite . " How did I do ? " he asked while he munched the bar , which was made from oats and honey and cranberries . " Not bad for a first session . You should be able to hold off a wizard throwing a curse at you long enough for me to get there and finish him off . " Severus told him honestly . " Sev , did it . . . bother you the first time you uh . . . cast a spell like that for real ? " Harry asked hesitantly . He didn 't want the elder wizard to think he was a wimp . " Yes . It is one thing to practice battle magic upon a dummy , quite another to cast it at a human being and see what it can really do a flesh and blood opponent . " Severus replied , settling himself on the ground next to his apprentice . " The first time I cast Sectumsempra upon a fellow Death Eater I was eighteen and we were supposed to be on a mission to stamp out the dissent in a village much like Hogsmeade near Cornwall . My companion , who does not deserve the dignity of a name , was having a wonderful time torching houses and terrifying women and children and old wizards to death . I was supposed to join in , but I couldn 't bring myself to , and so I watched until I couldn 't stomach it any longer , then I waited until his attention was elsewhere and I cast Sectumsempra upon him . He bled his life out in about five seconds . I burned his body and scattered the ashes and then I left . The other wizards and witches must have thought I had gone insane . " " I went and reported our mission was a success to Lucius and that the Death Eater had been killed by another wizard . Then I went back home and spent the next three hours being violently ill . I could still recall the way he looked after I had cast it , because of my memory , I could not forget it , and every time I thought about it , the memory returned and I was sick all over again . " " Frequently . I am not a man who enjoys inflicting pain and death , Harry . Killing holds no satisfaction for me . I kill when I must , because if I do not , it may mean my life , or the life of an innocent person . Like the goshawk , I kill in self - defense , but never for pleasure . Battle spells are not meant to be easy to cast . You should always consider what you do before you raise a wand and intend to kill . But if it is a clear - cut case of kill or be killed , do not hesitate . For those you face will have no mercy upon you whatsoever . They are mass murderers and stone cold killers all and they would not bat an eyelash if they killed you . But afterwards , I will be there to hold your head if you need it . There is no shame in being sick after your first battle , Harry . Most people are . Killing should hurt you , it is no small thing to take a life . But by the same token , you should not brood over it , if it was necessary to preserve your own life or the life of another . " Harry finished off his energy bar and water then stood up . " I feel better now . Thanks for telling me that , Sev . I thought . . . maybe you might think I was a coward because casting Sectumsempra and Firestorm made me feel sick . " " A coward ? There is not a cowardly bone in your body , boy . What you felt is normal for a fifteen - year - old boy who has never used battle magic before . I would be worried if you didn 't feel that way . " He gave his apprentice a brief pat on the shoulder . " Come , fledgling . Lessons are done for today . Now we need to fly . " It took nearly a day for them to reach their destination , Wool 's Home for Orphans , on the outskirts of London , near Cheapside . Back when Tom Riddle was a child , the orphanage had been in a semi - respectable part of town , but in the years afterward , the neighborhood had fallen into disrepair and disarray , until it was little better than a derelict district filled with boarded up tenements and condemned buildings . It was the haunt of the homeless and the desperate , thieves and drug dealers , and those willing to make a quick pound from another 's misfortune . Severus knew the area well , he had come there seeking shady wizards before , but even so , he insisted Harry and he not attract attention by dressing in regular clothes . " Those who live here will happily slit your throat for your shoes , " Severus said , indicating Harry 's trainers . " So . . . we must blend in . " He pointed his wand and transfigured Harry 's jeans , trainers , and shirt into worn - out ragged facsimiles . Severus raised an eyebrow . " As you should . We shall go unremarked . " He pointed his wand at himself and his smart black outfit became grungy and worn . He ran his wand down his hair and it took on its once - greasy appearance again . " Muss up that hair of yours , Mr . Potter . This once , it will be an asset . " " Good . A grubby street brat . " He beckoned Harry to follow him into Cheapside . Harry hesitated a moment , looking upward for his familiar , and breathed a short sigh of relief when he saw a faint speck flying overhead , but not close enough for anyone to observe that she was an owl . They walked down past burnt out buildings and street corners where lights had been knocked out or stolen . Street signs were bent or non - existent , and the pavement was cracked and broken , filled with garbage in some spots . Odors of tobacco and sewage and rotting food filled the air , and Harry had to fight not to gag . " Breathe in and out ten times , " Severus hissed out of the corner of his mouth . " You 'll get used to it . " Harry did , praying he wouldn 't puke right there . But eventually his nose became desensitized to the stink and he could walk about without feeling like losing his breakfast . He slouched slightly when he walked , and tried to ape Snape 's casual walk . Severus walked without apparent hurry , head lowered , and a nasty scowl upon his face . His hair hung partially in his eyes and he looked like a disreputable bum just coming back from the pub . They passed a few other people , but no one even looked twice at them . Harry did not know how Severus knew where to go , but he followed doggedly , trusting his mentor 's instinct . They walked for several blocks , and the building grew even more shabby and unkempt . Wool 's Orphanage was behind rusted wrought iron gates , one of them hung half off its hinges and creaked mournfully in the slight breeze that was blowing . The path up to the orphanage was choked with weeds and the building itself was worn and the gray brick was cracked and crumbling . All the windows were broken , some were shattered totally . The orphanage was clearly abandoned , and Harry shivered as he stared at it . It had the look of a haunted house , empty and brooding , sinister and dark . Harry hated it on sight , and he nearly felt sorry for Riddle , having to grow up in such a severe cold atmosphere . Until he recalled that perhaps the orphanage had not always been so . This was fifty years hence , after all . " Sev ? Do you feel . . . like there 's something evil about this place ? " To his relief , Snape did not sneer at him for asking that question . " Yes . There is an aura of evil and death about this place . " He reached into his pack and withdrew the Curse Breaking gloves from his pocket . As he slid them on , he gestured for Harry to do the same . Harry closed his eyes and summoned his shields in his mind . When he felt them snap into place , he opened his eyes and said , " Okay , Severus . I 'm ready . " Inside , the foyer was thick with dust and electrical wires hung from the ceiling , where light fixtures had been removed . There were holes in the wall , which had wallpaper peeling from it and something had made a nest in one of the floorboards , which creaked ominously beneath their feet . They walked down a dingy hallway and paused beside a worn staircase . " Up there would be the dormitories , " Severus said , lighting up the place with his wand . " To the left of here looks like a dining hall and to the right is probably offices and perhaps the monitors ' rooms , if they boarded here the way some did . " " We start by casting a Finding Charm , Harry . I am betting Riddle hid the dagger in here , but we will find it faster if we use magic instead of stumbling about like two drunken louts . " Severus intoned the charm softly . Almost immediately , he felt a swift tug upon his wand . It was leading upstairs . " This way . " He began to carefully climb the stairs . Harry swiftly came behind , stifling an amused giggle . I 'll be damned ! Maybe he really did hide the bloody thing under his bed , like he did when he was a kid . How utterly stupid . Guess he never thought anybody would find this journal and be able to break the code . Arrogant sodding prat ! He stumbled upon a step and barely caught himself . Flushing at his clumsiness , he continued onward , envying his mentor 's careless grace over the worn treads . His hands were sweating inside the gloves , but he dared not remove them . As he traveled upwards , he noted that the feeling of dread seemed to increase , as if something did not want them here , disturbing it . It was an almost palpable presence , worse even than the ghosts of Riddle House . Go away ! You are not wanted ! It hissed at him . Leave , and trouble this place no more ! Harry forced himself to ignore the feeling and the whispered voice . It was probably just nerves . At last he was at the top of the stairs and Severus was entering a room two doors down on the right . His wand cast eerie shadows across his face , making him look even more sinister and frightening . " In here . " A frigid wind seemed to ruffle the tattered curtains at the cracked windows as Snape opened the door to the dormitory . Eight beds lined the left wall and opposite them were tall highboys , all of them in various states of disrepair , some of them broken apart . The beds all had broken legs and sagging ripped mattresses . There was an odor of foulness in the air - a stench of mildew and rot and urine , as if an animal had used the place as a toilet . Harry wrinkled his nose in distaste . He saw Snape 's nose twitch as well , but the Potions Master was too busy with following the direction of his spell to let a thing like a bad odor deter him . He moved down the row of beds till he came to the last one in the row , then he dragged it away from the wall , almost out into the middle of the room . " Is it there ? " Harry asked , hardly daring to breathe . " Perhaps . " Severus halted , then shrugged off his pack . " Harry , get the potions case out with the Curse Dissolving potion inside it and the cauldron . If my spell is right , the dagger is here , and we must be prepared to destroy it swiftly before it attempts to subvert one of us . " Snape moved over to where the bed had been , there was a dark rectangle in the dusty floor where the bed had been . Severus tapped the floor with his foot , and heard a hollow echo . " Something is down there . Beneath the floor . " He used the same spell he had in Gaunt House to shrink the floorboards . Harry hurried to Severus 's pack and withdrew the potions case . He opened it to check how the vials had held up and was happy to find the potions were still intact . He looked up to see Severus kneeling down and sticking his hand into the space left by the shrunken floorboard . He pulled out a flat wooden box , like a cigar box . Then he began casting detection charms upon it . The box appeared to be unwarded . Severus was immediately suspicious . He carefully opened the box . Inside the box were a yo - yo , a whistle , a penknife , and a bag of marbles . Severus stared at the junk and nearly threw the box down in disgust . Then he took another glance at the child 's box of toys and began to chuckle in reluctant admiration . " Genius ! Hide something valuable among ordinary things of little value , and disguise it to look like nothing special at all . " " What 's that supposed to mean ? " Harry asked , coming over to see what Severus had found . " Huh ? Looks like a bunch of kids ' toys . Where 's the dagger ? " " So you can . It 's something nobody would give a second glance to . Which was how its master wished it . " Severus touched the tip of his wand to the penknife and said sharply , " Revelaro ! Finite incantatum ! " A blue mist surged out of the penknife and it began to waver and spin about on Severus 's gloved palm . Harry watched , sickened and fascinated , as the penknife suddenly blurred and then became the jeweled golden Dagger of Discord . It lay on Snape 's palm , the ruby in the pommel winking malevolently at Harry , or so it seemed to the young wizard . " You did it , Sev ! " Harry moved over beside the open case and removed a vial from it and loosened the stopper . But before he could do much more , an awful hissing and groaning filled the room , and the floor exploded in a shower of wood chips and dust . " Down ! " Severus shouted . Harry threw himself to the ground , completely forgetting about the open vial in his hand . He felt the solution start to spill out of the bottle and onto the floor before he could prevent it . " Ahh ! Bloody damn hell ! " he swore , but before he could move , there were things coming out of the floor , things that were composed of rotting flesh and nothing more , their faces misshapen , filled with rotting teeth . They advanced swiftly upon Harry and Severus , gnashing their teeth and howling for blood , their hands ended in long claws . Harry crawled backwards , chucked the empty vial at the advancing things and scrambled to his feet . " Sev ! What are these things ? " " Inferi . Animated corpses brought to life by dark magic , " Severus snapped . " Prepare to defend yourself , Harry . No mercy . " The expression on the other 's face was harsh and grim . " Sev , the potion spilled - " Harry began , moving closer to his mentor , but his words were drowned out as nearly twenty inferii surged forward , hands crooked into claws , mouths gaping wide , howling angrily . And the Dagger of Discord began to glow , hissing a strange refrain inside Harry 's head . See me . Take me . Use me . Free me from this place . Take me up and I shall make you master of the world . Previous Chapter Next Chapter Favorite | Reading List | Currently ReadingBack ChaptersStory Index1 . Foreboding2 . Restless Spirits and Retribution3 . A Riddle Wrapped In A Conundrum4 . Stormy Weather5 . Slytherin 's Treasure6 . On Edge7 . Hawks At Play8 . A Long Way Away9 . A Wicked Gathering10 . In the Forest of the Night11 . Sylvanor 's Children12 . Mist and Shadows13 . That Which Is Hidden14 . The Request15 . Herbology Lessons16 . Pursuit17 . Decoy18 . Growing Up Tom Riddle19 . Orphanage on the Hill20 . Where the Dead Walk21 . Tempted22 . Fallen23 . Potion Master 's Peril24 . Witherspoon 's Rescue25 . A True Apprentice26 . Winning Over Hedwig27 . A Valiant Recovery28 . A Reader 's Advice29 . The Ritual of Renewal30 . Sojourn31 . The Death Eaters Strike Back32 . What Will You Sacrifice ? 33 . The Mastery of Fear34 . Dwellers In the Cruicible35 . Danger Comes A Callin ' 36 . Alerting the Order37 . Hawks and Phoenixes38 . Rebirth39 . And A Familiar Shall Lead Them40 . The Last Horcrux41 . " . . . and teach death to die " 42 . Victory 's Price43 . Remorse and Reconciliation44 . Of Fathers and Sons45 . Dumbledore 's Offer46 . Home To Spinner 's End47 . The New Headmaster48 . Those Mysterious Muggle Ways49 . Bearding the Minister50 . The Best Scoop Ever51 . Confronting the Problem52 . The Problem Worsens53 . The Marauders Help Out54 . Healer Sandrilas55 . In War 's Shadow56 . To Conquer the Dark57 . In A Tight Spot58 . A Memorable Vacation59 . Past Regrets60 . Circle of Friends61 . Sixteen Candles62 . Privet Drive , Once More63 . Epilogue - - - - Dawn Flight Next Write a ReviewTwo Hawks Hunting : Orphanage on the Hill All stories remain the property of their authors and must not be copied in any form without their consent . This is an unofficial , not for profit site , and is in no way connected with J . K . Rowling , Scholastic Books or Bloomsbury Publishing or Warner Bros . 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Just before 8 : 30AM on Wednesday June 7th , I walked to the Khabarovsk train station to undertake the longest leg of my Trans - Siberian journey . I would be on the train for roughly 58 hours . For this jaunt , I was on train 007 - Vladivostok - Novosibirsk . While waiting at the platform , a 20 - ish student approached me and asked if he was in the right place for his train . He was French , spoke somewhat broken English , and zero Russian . He was indeed in the correct place , and it turns out that he had the bed above mine in the train . His name was William . He had some time off from university , and he decided to take the Trans - Siberian and make some stops along the way . His grandfather had done it the year before , so that was one of his motivations to take the trip . We would be together on the train for 50 hours , until he got off at Ulan - Ude , a stop that I wanted to make but didn 't have time for as my trip was already 16 days long . As we got to our area , we met out other traveling companions . The person with the lower berth across from me was a 70 year man named Boris . He was traveling from his home of Khabarovsk to Ulan - Ude to visit some relatives . When William and I got to our spots in the train , Boris was sitting with his wife . They both sighed in relief when they found out that I spoke Russian . Boris 's wife was not going with him , though , she was just saying goodbye to him . In Russian trains , it 's common for people seeing you off to walk into the train and help you get your things settled at longer stops . The conductors allow this , and a few minutes prior to departure , the conductors walk through the carriage telling those accompanying passengers to leave the train . Boris was quite the character , and he made sure my time passed quickly on the train . Above Boris was Ulugbek from Kyrgyzstan . He had been in Korea ( which Korea was slightly unclear ) on a work contract . Ulugbek was an engineer who works in hydroelectric stations . He was riding on the train from Vladivostok to Krasnoyarsk . I was worried because we got onto the train already 13 hours into its journey , and Ulugbek had an unrefrigerated rotisserie chicken that he proceeded to eat over the next two days . He was also very friendly and pleasant company . Along the window there was a 20 - ish girl who was a student at Far Eastern Federal University , who was riding back home for the summer . I forget where exactly she got off , but it was towards the evening of the first day . She had to switch trains to ride to some smaller city called Tynda . She was asleep most the day that we were with her , and she didn 't say anything to us , though she did tell Boris she was a student and going to Tynda . The train itself was pretty nice . It was the newest style of older carriages . The bottom bunks had padding for your back when you were seated , and I had the coveted spot in the carriage that had an outlet . In the older trains , not every spot has an outlet . Usually the second series of berths on each side have one outlet . Then , there is usually an outlet by the toilets at either end . I didn 't have to worry because I could change my phone whenever I wanted , but others in the carriage took turns standing by the toilets and watching their phones . Others just decided to chance leaving their phones by the toilets . On our longer train , we had police officers patrolling the carriages , and at times they would ask whose phone was being charged as a reminder to look after ones belongings . The carriage we were in didn 't have air - conditioning , or if it did , it was broken . Thankfully , our window opened . And , unlike the older trains , these newer carriages have LED displays at both ends of the carriage that display the Moscow time , the temperature in the train , and whether or not the toilet is free . Although my ride to Irkutsk was long , it wasn 't bad . I alternated my time in the train talking to my companions and reading . The train also makes a few longer stops each day , and in the Russian Far East , villagers have created their own small businesses around the train schedule . They know when the long - haul trains make stops and line up near the station to sell provisions . In Belogorsk , for example , I managed to buy a hardboiled egg , some potato vareniki , and a local fish called harius . I opted to go for hot smoked , which leaves the flesh pliable and soft as opposed to cold smoked , which dries out the fish and almost turns it into jerky . The meal was scrumptious . While at the stop , a man selling fish looked at me and turned to the woman with the eggs and vareniki and said in Russian , " Do you speak English ? You better . " I responded that I speak Russian , and they were happy . I then had a discussion about the differences in fish smoking techniques . I also had to help William buy food as he couldn 't communicate with the people at all . After we ate our food , I watched in horror as Ulugbek added a large quantity of unrefrigerated mayonnaise to his bowl of ramen . The standard train foods for these journeys are sunflower seeds , a Russian pastime , and either instant noodles or potatoes . Every Russian train carriage has a water boiler for tea and food . Most of my entertainment from the train ride came from talking with Boris over the first two days . I spoke a little with William , but his English was bad , which limited our conversations . Boris was a bit of a provocateur , and was full of lots of interesting information about Russia . He constantly spoke in a weird slang , and refused to ever use common words to explain himself . He asked me if I heard about what to say if someone asks if you want a brick in Vladivostok . Apparently , this is a petty form of extortion . The person being asked is to respond , " how much ? " and then pay said amount , otherwise they will be beaten and robbed . Apparently , there are lots of similar tactics on Russian roads in the Far East . Often , people will just sit on the side of the road and say they don 't have gas , or will try to sell you gas . Sometimes , they 'll leave something on the road for you to stop and grab . In all of these situations , I was told to never stop . However , if stopped , it 's always best to pay what amounts to the bribe . Finally , when traveling on Russian roads , it 's good to have a weapon in your car trunk . Boris was once stopped by a group . One guy talked to him while another searched his trunk . They both left him alone after the one who opened the trunk found a large machete . This also partially explains the wooden mace that the government chauffeur in Ulyanovsk had in his car trunk . Between teaching me about how to survive in Siberia , Boris spent time provoking me and those around us in the train . We discussed Russian history at one point . He was angry that I didn 't know a word or two about tributes during the Mongol conquest of Russia . I said that my specialty was Soviet history . He said that it wasn 't an excuse , that instead my program was probably weak or that I was lazy . I responded that I don 't have time to read about early Russian history in depth because I have to spend my time reading about the Soviet Union and other history . This then caused Boris to launch into a lecture about how I have time because I do not work on a kolkhoz , a form of village based Soviet collective farm . Had I lived in a kolkhoz , he said , I would truly not have time . I would have to wake at 5 : 00AM to feed the chickens and milk the cows , make breakfast , wake the children , " pat [ my ] husband on his head , " and send everyone off before doing my assigned labor task on the farm for the day . This then caused Boris to lecture about American women . He wanted to know why it was acceptable to go shopping in house clothes or sweat pants . In his mind , women need to dress up to buy groceries or run simple errands . In his eyes , a woman should always be made up and strive her best to visually please the men around her . That was a fun conversation , and one of many of different cultural views about the gender roles and marriage ages in America versus Russia along the train ride . At one point , when William and I were speaking in English , we caught the attention of two young girls in the train . One asked what we were speaking , and was surprised when I said English . She said she studied English , but refused to say anything to me from being shy . Eventually , she told her mother about us , and then her mother came to talk with us . Boris then began to provoke the mother and said that her daughter didn 't speak any English because she refused to say anything to me . Boris then proposed English lessons on the train . He said he was the director of the school and would get 70 % while I would get 30 % of the proceeds . When asked why the cut was so large , Boris cheekily responded , " because I 'm here getting you work , while you 're being lazy and just reading books . " He then said that lessons would begin promptly at 8 : 00AM the next morning . I groaned about the early hours , and he laughed . Although Boris liked to poke fun at people or stir up trouble , he was truly a nice man . One night , he noticed that I had gotten cold while sleeping and got a blanket for me . Boris was also immensely entertaining because he somewhat befriended the lady who walks through the train selling food and drinks . He offered all of us , plus her , some food and drink . She accepted the offer , and would sit down with us when she passed us by . She affectionately called him " ded , " basically , " gramps . " One of the interesting experiences on the train was with the police . They extensively patrol the trains in the Far East . At times they were doing document checks , but they never asked us for our documents . I have rarely seen the police on trains in Russia . I have only on one occasion seen them on one of the trains between Moscow and Ulyanovsk , and they asked for my documents then . I remember being confused , and the older woman in the kupe with me said that it was nothing to worry about and normal . They did a little more on this train , though . On the second full day on the train , we stopped at a small place called Mogocha . About fifteen minutes after leaving the station , the police walked through our carriage with a man in handcuffs . There was one cop in the lead and there were two behind . The second cop had his hand on the back of the man 's neck / head , forcing it down . The man 's hands were tightly cuffed behind his back , and he was bent over and walking in a stress position . The third cop was carrying the man 's bag . Boris said that he had never seen that before in all of his years riding the train . He seemed to think that the man had tried to ride on the train without a ticket , but from a conversation I had just before getting off the train in Irkutsk , it seems that the man might have been belligerently drunk . He was hauled off of the train when we stopped in Chernyshevsk . Also on this day , as we rolled through some middle of nowhere part of Siberia , it began to snow . I had not expected to see snow that south in Siberia in June . It was crazy . On the second day , the girl had gotten off of the train , and no one new joined our area . This meant that we could sit at the two smaller window seats when we pleased . At one of these periods , William 's passport fell out of his pocket , which caused me to have a discussion with Boris about Russian passports versus American or European ones . Russians have two kinds of passports , internal and external . The external passport is just like ours and is used for leaving the country . The internal passport serves the function in Russia that our driver 's licenses do , basically , and then some . They include information about birth and age . They also include where the person is registered to live , marital status , and information about children . While talking to Boris , a man in the next berth over noticed that I was foreign and began to speak with me . Andrei was a sailor who works on large freight ships . He was traveling from just outside of Vladivostok , Nakhodka , to see his children in Irkutsk , where he had grown up . Andrei was very friendly and went on long rants about the divisions within Russia between Moscow and Siberia . In his opinion , Moscow steals everything from Siberia and gives nothing back . Boris at one point was jealous that Andrei was taking over as the one to tell me tales about Russia and told Andrei that I probably didn 't understand what he was saying . What Boris didn 't know was that I understood Andrei 's slang better than has because Andrei used simpler words and words that I was familiar with . In the morning of the second day , when we made our " breakfast " stop , Boris told me to buy something called " сера " ( sera ) , which is a Siberian gum . It 's made from tree sap / rubber . It tastes like chewing a mixture of a pinecone and a rubber band . I can 't say I super loved it , but it did make my mouth feel cleaner around sporadic trips to the somewhat gross toilet to brush my teeth . You buy sera by the stick . I got one . Others bought bushels of them . Apparently , it 's only common to buy in the Far East . As the train carried on across Siberia , I alternated between reading and staring out of the window . I had heard someone describe the Trans - Siberian as " the greatest Russian novel ever written . " I 'm not sure where I heard this , but I agree . It was easy to spend hours just looking out of the window , watching the scenery change . You would fall asleep and wake up in what looked like a completely different country as the geography and vegetation would change drastically . The temperature also fluctuated between hot , comfortable , and downright cold . At one point , the provodnitsa walked through the car and asked if we were cold and if they should turn the heat on . They were taking a poll of the passengers and their comfort level . I said I was fine and just put on a warm shirt . Thankfully , they didn 't turn the heat on . The villages that came and went along the rail lines were fascinating to look at . Although some of them looked a little rough , none of them looked totally rundown . There is clearly poverty in Russian villages , but they don 't look like war zones like some of the places I 've seen in ex - Soviet republics . I now really want to find a way to spend at least a day or two in an actual Russian village . Another interesting part of riding through the Siberian wilderness was looking at the cars . The number of vehicles in the villages was pretty small , but almost every settlement had either an UAZ Bukhanka , UAZ 469 , or a Lada Niva . Ulyanovsk pride for Siberia ! On the whole , cars in Siberia were interesting to observe . Most of the cars in Vladivostok were right - hand drive , brought in from Japan . As you ride across back towards Moscow , the percentage of right - hand drive cars shifted from about 90 % to 40 % . I suppose the Urals are the dividing line for this trend . In European Russia , it 's possible to find a right - hand drive , Japanese import car , but it 's rare . After Boris and William got off in Ulan Ude , I spoke with Andrei quite a lot on the leg from Ulan Ude to Irkutsk , an additional 8 hours on the train . This was the best part of the trip because we spent most of it riding along Lake Baikal , and the view was mesmerizing . Andrei gave me tips for what to see or do in Irkutsk and told me the history of the area and the Angara River . He also gave me his phone number and said that he would be glad to show me around the Vladivostok area should I wind up there again . Just about two hours before Irkutsk , the train made a stop in a place called Slyudyanka , and a man of about thirty got on and took what had been Boris 's space . He was nice and well prepared for the long train ride . He had brought a combination strip outlet / extension chord with him to power his laptop . He offered some of his snacks , and asked if I wanted to watch a movie . I declined as I was getting off of the train soon and had to gather my things . At that point , another guy came into the area and asked Andrei where the foreigner was . He said that he was in another car with a French guy , " from Brussels . " I told him that Brussels was in Belgium . He said , " Whatever . He speaks French and English . I don 't speak much English . Please come and translate for him and two other foreigners . " The new guy next to me asked why I had to do that . The strange man said that the others around them in the carriage also didn 't speak English , and that most of the others around them were foreigners , like my neighbor , and spoke Russian with an accent . My new neighbor then got angry and said , " What do you mean foreigners like me and what accent ? " The guy responded that he was clearly from a different country . The neighbor responded that he was born and raised in Irkutsk , and that his family was from Dagestan , which is part of Russia . The weird guy again said whatever and ushered me off with him . We walked into the next carriage and I met the Belgian guy , who was named Arthur . He was talking with two Italians who were going home from an 11 month trip around the world . Both Arthur and the Italians were on the train for the sake of saying that they had done the Trans - Siberian . They were all riding from Vladivostok to Irkutsk , stopping in Irkutsk to see Baikal , and then going from Irkutsk straight to Moscow . I chatted briefly with them and then went back to gather my things . Andrei and my new neighbor wanted to know what was going on , and I said the strange guy was just drunk and that there was no need to go off and talk to the others . However , when I got off the train , I did end up sharing a taxi with Arthur , who must have been some sort of rich Belgian playboy or trust - fund guy . He talked about having spent the past three months in Asia . He also had an American Express Platinum card in his wallet . His hostel was near the one where I was staying , so I figured it would be ok to grab a cab with him . We took a Yandex taxi for under 100 rubles , which was funny because the taxi driver asking if we wanted a ride quoted 500 rubles for the same ride , and I just laughed in his face . Like the serialized stories of Dostoyevsky or Dickens , the next few posts will chronicle my trip on the Trans - Siberian Railroad . This year has been one of freedom and exploration for me . There have been a number of places within Russia and the former Soviet Union that I have wanted to see for a long time , and I 've taken advantage of my relative flexibility in this year to see them . One of the things that I 've wanted to do for a long time was to take the Trans - Siberian Railroad across Russia , and I am pleased to say that I recently returned from a two - week trip doing so . On Saturday the 3rd of June , I boarded a plane from Moscow to Vladivostok at Sheremetyevo Airport . I was tired of the constant cold and bad weather in Moscow , so I flew to Siberia , where it was sunny and warm aka actually summer . I 'm surprised to have had to go to Siberia for summer weather as well . We took off after an hour or so delay due to late aircraft arrival and then made our war arching north across the frozen northern reaches of the Russian Federation . It was a bit of a trip to see the permafrost from the plane . Without issue , we landed in Vladivostok , and I didn 't have to wait too long for my bag , a backpack lent to me by my friend Terry . I then walked through the terminal to a train that took me from the airport to the central railway terminal in Vladivostok . From there , it was about a ten minute walk to the hotel where I was staying . I was exhausted . It 's an 8 hour flight across Russia , and we left around 4 : 00PM Moscow time . As I wasn 't tired , I couldn 't really sleep on the flight and arrived at what felt like midnight my time , despite it being 7AM in Vladivostok . Russia has a lot of time zones , and Vladivostok is 7 hours ahead of Moscow , so I was 14 hours ahead of New York time for some perspective . I was able to go to my room early and collapse for a quick nap . I didn 't have much time to recover , because I was getting a tour of the center of the city from a friend of a friend 's brother . He met me in the lobby , and we set off the see the waterfront , a ship , a submarine museum , the WWII monument , the historic GUM shopping center , and the beach , among other things . After our walking tour , which lasted a few hours , I went back to my room and crashed for a few hours . Feeling better from some sleep , I walked around the center again and got some dinner and headed off to the famous Mumiy Troll ' bar . Mumiy Troll ' is a cool rock group from Vladivostok , and they opened a bar in their hometown . I was there a little early for the evening , but when I went in the place was dead . I was super disappointed in the bar , sadly . They had no Russian beer , so I had a Guiness . I then decided to have a White Russian . The bartender proceeded to then fill a glass with ice and a splash of vodka before pouring in a whole lot of cream . He had forgotten to add the Kahlua for a good two minutes . The next morning , I got up at had breakfast at a Soviet themed stolovaya . I then walked to the funicular to get to the view point of the city . Annoying , the funicular was closed for " technical reasons , " so I climbed up the whole hill to the view . Running somewhat out of time , I got back on a bus to the center of the city to grab some dinner and get some last minute provisions for the overnight train ride . When stopping at a café for a coffee , I thought there was a language barrier between the Russian staff and the Chinese tourists ahead of me in line . I heard the woman ask if they wanted something with milk or juice . I just assumed that there was something wrong with someone 's English ; however , I was super surprised when asked , in Russian , if I wanted my iced coffee with milk or juice . I can 't imagine why anyone would mix coffee with juice . I apparently could also only get an iced coffee with syrup in it , which I thought was strange . Apparently the staff doesn 't understand that they make more money off of me if I refused the sugar syrup . Unlike some , I wanted to use the train to get off and see some major cities along the way in Siberia instead of riding 7 straight days on the train . For the ride , I was going in third class , platskart , the whole way . I wanted to mingle with lots of Russians , and I somewhat accomplished this task . When I handed my ticket to the provodnitsa , the conductor , she asked if I spoke Russian and signed a huge sigh of relief when I said I do . " Thank God , " she said . Apparently , the Trans - Siberian is super popular for foreigners looking for adventures , most of whom who don 't speak any Russian . This strikes me as very strange , as Russia isn 't really a country that is great to travel to if you don 't speak the language . A few people speak English , but most of the people one would encounter on the train don 't , and speaking with the real Russians is part of the appeal of the journey . The first night in the train , from Vladivostok to Khabarovsk , my immediate section of six spaces was full . It was myself , a father and his young son , two Czech guys , and a Russian student from Far Eastern Federal University , who was a cheerleader heading home for summer break . The Czech guys started to talk to me and we had a good conversation with Zhenya , the student , for a while . The Czech guys were drinking a lot , which is forbidden on the trains except in the dining car , and eventually attracted the attentions of a random Russian guy from somewhere else in the car . He came up and insisted on speaking to us in broken English , which the Czech guys couldn 't understand at all . The Russian guy , Sasha , just wanted to mingle with some foreigners , which the Czechs didn 't understand . They didn 't know what a rarity it is for Russians to interact with foreigners , especially in the Russian Far East . One Czech guy forgot that he told Sasha that they were form the Czech Republic , and the second guy got spooked when Sasha said something about the Czech Republic . The second guy then got paranoid . He thought that I knew Sasha and turned aggressive and yelled at Sasha to leave . He then said to me , " we don 't want any trouble , " as if I had some connection with Sasha and we were trying to pull some sort of scam . It was weird . In the morning , they basically didn 't say anything to me as we got off the train in Khabarovsk . In Khabarovsk , I got off the train and walked the fifteen or so minutes to my hotel . The woman who checked me in was super nice and gave me a ticket for breakfast that day . It was a decent place to stay , but was super Soviet in that there was a lady on the floor , with whom I had to leave my key when I wasn 't in my room . After showering , changing , and having breakfast , I set out for a whirlwind day in Khabarovsk . I walked down the main road and through a Chinese Market ( clearly all of the items were 100 % legitimate Adidas and Armani products , no counterfeit items at all ) to eventually make it to the riverfront on the Amur River , which serves as the border between Russia and China . In Khabarovsk , I was only a few kilometers from China . From the river , I tried to go to the military museum , which was closed for no reason . The door was open and I walked in to buy a ticket , however the woman at the desk said it was closed and wouldn 't explain why . Instead , I walked across the street and spent some time in the Regional Museum , which was pretty cool . They had a large series of fish tanks with some of the famous Russian fish such as the sturgeon . They also had a lot of stuffed animals eating other stuffed animals . After the Regional Museum , I walked off to see the local history museum . A bored docent was pleased that I spoke Russian and gave me an impromptu tour of the first floor of the museum . After my unofficial , but informative , tour , I walked to a nearby shopping center . The food court had a Mexican restaurant run by an American . I was able to get a real burrito for the first time since Murmansk , and the hot sauce was indeed actually spicy . Eventually , after more walking , I wound up at a different mall food court near the hotel where I got an excellent dinner of Korean food . I then walked to the store to load up on provisions for my next train leg , almost 58 hours between Khabarovsk and Irkutsk . All in all , I walked a total of 14 . 4 miles in Khabarovsk . I crashed hard that night , and got up and had breakfast before walking to the train , which left around 8 : 00AM . The long train journey and my adventures in Irkutsk and Lake Baikal will be chronicled in another post . Last Saturday , I flew off to Baku , the capital of Azerbaijan , another ex - Soviet country in the Caucasus . I had not planned to go there at all , but a fellow grad student invited me to visit . Rebecca and I had shared an apartment at a University of Illinois summer research session . Rebecca saw that I had been in Armenia and invited me to Azerbaijan . Curious , I checked the visa requirements and saw that they had just changed as of January for American citizens . There is now a fast , electronic visa that is ordered online for a total cost of about $ 25 . 00 . I applied for my visa late on a Thursday night and got the visa via email around noon the next day . The flight to Baku was uneventful . The only news to report is that I 've been flying frequently enough that I 'm repeating Aeroflot planes . I was on a Boeing 737 in the name of Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn , which was the same plane that I flew to Yerevan on . One thing of note did happen on the flight , which was a slightly different safety demonstration . As a good chunk of the flight crosses the Caspian Sea , the flight crew had to break out the lifejackets to demonstrate how to wear and use them in the event of a water landing . Sadly , the lifejackets do not have winged hammer and sickles on them . Flying into Baku over the Caspian was a real treat . We landed slightly late as there was some sort of medical incident with a passenger while we boarded , but it was all ok in the end . I passed customs without any problems , though the guy did stamp my passport right next to the Armenia stamp . Thankfully , he didn 't ask me anything about my trip to Armenia . After crossing customs , I was met outside the airport by Rebecca and we hopped in a cab to her apartment in the center of the city . Interestingly , a lot of the cabs in Baku are the same ones as the London taxis , though they are left - hand drive . Thankfully , Azerbaijan carries in the car traditions of the other Caucasian republics . There were a lot of 1990s Mercedes on the roads , especially W201s , W202s , and W210s . We popped into Rebecca 's apartment to drop off my stuff . We then walked to one of the main pedestrian areas of Baku , Fountain Square , to see the fountains and meander our way towards the waterfront park . Along the way , we kept running into barriers that are being erected for the Baku Formula 1 Grand Prix , which will be taking place in a few months . I didn 't realize that Baku hosted F1 events . Similar to the Monaco Grand Prix , the race takes place on the actual roads of the city and not at a race track . Apparently , there are special paving materials that they can put down to cover some of the cobblestone roads , which can easily be removed after the race to restore the charm of the old city streets . The waterfront is spectacular , and immediately highlights Baku 's claim to fame . Baku is a major site of oil production . Many American and European fortunes were made there prior to the Bolshevik takeover in the early 1920s , and around the turn of the century , Baku produced about half of the world 's oil . It was particularly interesting to travel to Baku immediately after Volgograd . When Hitler invaded the Soviet Union on June 22 , 1941 , Operation Barbarossa was a three pronged attack . One group of soldiers worked north with the goal of Leningrad , one more to the middle towards Moscow , and a third group down to Stalingrad ( Volgograd ) . Stalingrad was to be a double target for both propaganda and tactical reasons . One major goal was to conquer the city named in honor of the Soviet leader ( one reason why Stalin ordered the Red Army not one step backward ) . The other major reason was that Stalingrad was a major port city on the Volga River , which would allow access down to the Caspian and to Baku and its oil reserves . And what an oil city Baku is . The coastline smelled of crude oil , which is extracted both from the grounds of the city and from offshore rigs . There was even some oil floating on the water of the Caspian . From the waterfront , we walked over to the Funicular , and rode that to the hill overlooking Baku ( Soviet city planning at its best , having a funicular or gondola to a hill overlooking the city , which has an imposing TV tower on it ) . While riding up , it started to rain heavily , which is very rare for Baku . There was even some thunder and lightning . We stood under cover for a while before venturing out into the rain . We walked along a series of graves for people considered to be Azerbaijani martyrs . They died in the tensions and clashes between Armenia and Azerbaijan and between Azerbaijan and the Soviets during the end of the Soviet Union . At this hilltop park , there is a great overview of the whole city and the Caspian . We also walked near the base of the Flame Towers , the architectural symbols of Baku . There was no easy way to cross the road to the base of the Flame Towers , so we gave up and walked down the hill and back to the center to get dinner . We had some decent Mexican food before calling it a night . The next morning , we got up and walked to the Old City , which is as the name suggests , the old part of the city . The narrow , winding roads and architecture made it feel like we were in another world . While there , we climbed the Maiden Tower , and then wandered around the Palace of the Shirvanshahs museum . The old architecture was fascinating . We then walked back to the Fountain Square area for lunch before taking yet another adventure . We hopped on a regular bus and rode about 30 minutes out of the center to see a beach and the oil fields . I was excited to go see the fields because it 's where they filmed the 1999 Pierce Brosnan James Bond film " The World is Not Enough . " Immediately after the main city limits , there are fields of oil derricks pumping away , and it was pretty interesting to see them still working . They were apparently built in the 1930s and continue to pump to this day . Getting to the derricks and the offshore platform was easier said than done . We got off of the bus at the correct stop , but there was no way to cross the road . We walked in one direction and didn 't see a place to cross , so we walked in the other direction only to see an unending stretch of road . As we didn 't want to run across a few lanes of highway speed traffic , we got into a cab that was parked on the side of the road and had him loop us around a roundabout and drop us off at the beach by the offshore platform . Apparently , the first offshore oil platform was built in Baku . We saw some people fishing in the Caspian and some swimming . Rebecca put a foot in , and I waded in the waters a little bit . Perhaps it wasn 't the best idea as when I came out , there was definitely some oil residue on my feet . We took the bus back to the center , grabbed some caffeine to recharge , and hopped on the metro to a different part of town to check out the Heydar Aliyev Center . Heydar Aliyev was a Soviet leader of Azerbaijan , and its second president after the Soviet collapse . His son is the current president of the country . The Baku metro is an older Soviet metro that was opened in the late 1960s . I would have taken photos , but it 's forbidden to do so . The trains are the standard 1970s design of rolling stock that operates in Moscow , St . Petersburg , Tbilisi , and Yerevan . Like the other Caucasian republics , the Baku Metro cars are renovated and repainted in colors different from the standard Russian blue and white exteriors and plain interiors . The stations themselves were a hybrid of Soviet metro design . They were smaller stations , generally of the caterpillar design favored in the 1950s - 1970s , but mixed in elaborate mosaics like those of earlier Moscow Metro stops . Inside , the trains made the station announcements in Azerbaijani and English . A nice touch unique to the Baku Metro is that the noise that plays before a stop is different for each station . Each station has its own snippet of famous Azerbaijani music assigned to it . Like the Moscow Metro , police presence in the stations was high , and unlike the Moscow metro , each of the train cars had tens of cameras operating in them . The Heydar Aliyev Center is a joint museum and concert hall space . We saw some interesting exhibits about the culture of Azerbaijan , the history of the Aliyev family , and a showcase of miniatures of the architectural highlights of the city . My favorite exhibit was a collection of three cars that had been used by Heydar Aliyev in his capacity as a leader of Azerbaijan . There was a Soviet ZIL limousine as well as two armored Mercedes W140 S - 600s , once of which was a stretch Pullman . The next morning , Rebecca had to go off to her Azerbaijani classes and the archive , so I amused myself until she was free . I first went to the Fountain Square area to find some postcards , and then headed off to the post office to get some stamps . The Azerbaijani post office was nice . There was a kiosk to determine what kind of service you needed , which printed out a number . My number was immediately called to a desk , and the woman there sold me stamps , which I was then told to glue onto the postcards . She then stamped them and told me to put them in the box on the street , which I did . After the post office , I strolled the streets and enjoyed the weather before getting some döner for lunch . Azerbaijan is very influenced by Turkish culture and history . Many of the foods are shared , and Azerbaijani itself is basically a dialect of Turkish . The döner hit the spot , and then I went along the waterfront to the carpet museum . Besides oil and caviar , the other main product of Azerbaijan is carpets . The museum is even in the shape of a carpet . Inside , there are all sorts of different carpets from Azerbaijan , and cool information on how all the different rugs are woven . There are even a few weaving stations set up in the museum , and I watched a woman making a carpet for a while . I don 't know how they do it . It seemed extraordinarily complicated , and I would find myself lost and frustrated very easily . From the carpet museum , I strolled back to the apartment and rested for a while as I had been walking a lot , and we had big plans for Monday night . The first plan was to meet with another former Fulbright ETA , who happened to be passing through Baku on a trip in the Caucasus with her friend . In the evening , we met up near the American Embassy and walked off to find dinner . The guards at the Embassy , rightly , were a little uneasy about Rebecca and I standing around and looking for two other people , but they quickly left us alone when they saw we were Americans and were meeting other Americans . We ended up walking to a restaurant near Rebecca 's apartment that specialized in meat . After dinner , we walked towards the Metro and split ways . Rebecca had gotten us tickets to see the closing ceremonies for the Islamic Solidarity Games , which is like the Olympics for nations with large Islamic populations . Azerbaijan is technically a Muslim country , but they are very secular . Azeris eat pork and drink , but there are definitely very divided gendered norms in the country and some more conservative values . For example , women rarely drink or smoke in public , and Azeri men can been very forward or harassing towards women , especially foreigners . To get to the closing ceremonies , we had to walk a long distance from the closest metro stop along areas flooded with police . We then went through security tighter than at airports with metal detectors and pat downs . We finally entered the stadium to catch athletes parading , speeches from the Vice President of Azerbaijan , who is also the wife of the President , and the head of the games committee . After the speeches , there was a concert of a number of Azerbaijani pop artists . Each artist was given two songs , and they seemed to grow in popularity . We saw three women , and left during the second guy we saw . Of the five acts , only one was actually good . One guy seemed to be an Azerbaijani Pitbull . He rapped and had the same outfits and swagger as Pitbull . Tired from the day , we left the stadium while the songs were still ongoing , and went home near 11 : 00PM . The final morning , we slept in and then met up with Rikki and her friend for brunch at a Turkish café before seeing the waterfront a last time . To clarify my earlier point about Azerbaijani being a dialect of Turkish , Rikki spoke to the staff at the restaurant solely in Turkish . They understood her , but she had some difficulties understanding the responses in Azerbaijani . Rebecca mostly gets by in Azerbaijani , and when that fails , speaks English to people in the service industry . Like most ex - Soviet republics , I was able to get around in English or Russian depending on the generation of the people I was speaking to . There was still a good amount of Russian being spoken on the streets amongst the local population , and Rebecca said they often mix both Russian and Azerbaijani in every sentence . After lunch , I grabbed the tings from the apartment and got a taxi back to the airport . I went up to the first taxi in the line , which was a 1995 Mercedes W202 C - Class . The driver spoke Russian and we agreed on the price . As we rode to the airport , he told me about his car and then asked how long I had been in the city , what I had seen , etc . He said that Baku is okay , but that the best parts of Azerbaijan are out in the mountains . He told me that I should come back and find him at the same taxi rank by the hotel , where he always waits . He said we can have him drive us around the country . At the airport , I had no problems checking in for my flight or passing through customs . My flight back , though , was somewhat unpleasant . I had an empty seat next to me , and the aisle was occupied by a 60 - ish Azeri man . He was clearly bored on the flight and at one point started to talk to me while my headphones were out around when I was getting something to drink . He said he was an actor at the Azerbaijan State Academic Drama Theatre . He then proceeded to show me photos of his roles over the years on his phone . He said he was traveling to Chelyabinsk for his friend 's birthday party and invited me to go there with him and to vacation with him in Altai later in the summer . When it was time to get off of the plane , he grabbed my backpack and carried it for me . He wouldn 't let me grab my own bag . While waiting to cross customs , he insisted on giving me his name and phone number . When I went to the immigration window , he blew a kiss at me and told me to call him . I handed my documents to the official and didn 't look back . I then ran away as fast as possible after being handed my documents . He also told me some really weird stories on the plane . He said he liked the sportsman who became a present . I looked confused and he responded , " the one who met Gorbachev ? " " You mean Reagan ? " I asked . " He was an actor . " " Yes , him . " He then asked if I knew who killed JFK . I said ostensibly Lee Harvey Oswald . He response was that it was LBJ , because he wanted to become president . He then ranted about Marilyn Monroe , who was killed - it was made to look like a drug overdose - because of the secrets she knew from dating JFK . For these secrets , she had a secret meeting with Nikita Khrushchev . Khrushchev was on a boat , and Monroe entered the boat from below the waterline . There , she traded the secrets for Khrushchev 's weight in gold . It was a surreal experience . On Friday , I flew off on an adventure with some friends to see the city of Volgograd , which was known as Stalingrad during part of Soviet history . I have wanted to go there for a long time , especially since my cousin gave me a handmade , scale model of the famous Motherland Calls statue as a college graduation present . Studying German prisoners of war , I figured it was especially important that I go see the location of the bloodiest battle in history . It was at the Battle of Stalingrad that the course of the Second World War changed in the Eastern Front . It was a major victory for the Red Army , and it was the first one in which they took massive quantities of POWs . On Friday afternoon , I headed off with Gustav and Linda from the dorms to meet Erin at Belorussky Train Station . From there , we took the Aeroexpress train to Sheremetyevo together . We easily and quickly printed our boarding passes and made it through security . Feeling peckish , we went to a Shokoladnitsa in the airport and got some food . The service was less than stellar . The table was dirty , and I had to ask the waiter twice to clean it . He still didn 't clean it , and only did so after we tried to flag down different waitresses in vain . When he did finally come to clean it , he left a giant pile of crumbs in front of me , and the others joked that it looked like he was going to push them onto my lap . After eating , we walked to our gate . Boarding was annoyingly delayed without any announcement as to why or for how long . Eventually , we boarded the plane and pushed back from the gate mostly on time . The flight was relatively pleasant and only lasted about one hour and twenty minutes . Linda was dozing off at one point and tried to refuse the snack , but the flight attendants woke her and insisted that she take her fish sandwich . None of my traveling partners were enthused about the meal , though Gustav thought about taking Linda 's spare sandwich as an additional snack depending on his hunger later . Volgograd is going to be a host city for the 2018 FIFA World Cup and it 's quite clear that a lot of infrastructural development in underway . When we landed , we taxied to a far part of the airport , surrounded by gravel access roads . We walked off of the plane and boarded a bus to the terminal . While we waited to depart , I asked one of the lovely Italians back in Moscow to sign me up for laundry on Monday night . I was barred from doing so on Thursday and the sheet would only be available after 6 : 00PM on Friday . Surrounded by a number of UAZ bukhanki , we rode down to the terminal . We exited at the old , Soviet Terminal A , but it looks like the brand new Terminal C is almost complete . They are in the process of paving new taxi ways and aprons towards the terminals . We then went into the baggage claim area , which like the Murmansk airport , only had a single toilet that we took turns waiting for . Exiting the terminal , I called a Yandex Taxi to take us to our hostel . We got to the car with a quoted price of about 350 rubles . The driver then spoke to me and asked me to cancel the ride so that he wouldn 't have to deal with the commission to Yandex , and then wanted 400 rubles from our group . Without many other options and not wanting to fight over $ 1 . 00 , we quickly agreed to get in and ride off . He then took us across the city to the hostel and pointed a few things out along the way . At one point , he caught me looking off at a walled building with barbed wire in the distance . " Это зона , " he said ( " It 's a prison " - literally , a zone ) . He then said that there were dachas next to it and that " it 's Russia . " He told us what we had to see in the city over the next few days . He also pointed out the jail when we drove past and laughed . I asked him if he knew anything about the POWs in the city and their role in reconstruction , and he said that they rebuilt the whole city , so I knew my research was off to a good start . Eventually , we arrived at the very center of the city and where we had booked a room . Through Booking . com , we found a hostel called Hostel Like at Home . We had managed to get a room for four people in it . When we arrived , we were slightly confused because the address was an apartment in a building . I typed the number in the domophone and asked if it was the hostel , and they said that we had booked a room with them . They opened the front door of the building , told us to go up to the fourth floor , and greeted us at the apartment door . It was indeed a converted apartment of a formerly elite caliber . The apartment had four rooms , a kitchen , and a toilet and shower . Our room had a large bed , a sofa bed , and a bunk bed in it . The hosts , husband and wife Nikolai and Lilia , were very friendly and made us immediately feel at home . We set our things down , and they gave us some maps of the city and recommendations for dinner . We walked out onto the street and at the bottom of our building was a very nice Georgian restaurant , where we decided to have dinner . The weather was a balmby 60 or so degrees , and after the snow of Moscow , it felt delightful . Indeed , on the 12th , I was walking to get lunch at the cafeteria in one archive . To do so , I have to cross an interior courtyard . It was snowing when I went to get lunch . Our waiter at the restaurant was fantastic and friendly , a nice change from the anger of the waiter at the airport café . We were also pleasantly surprised that there was the option to order khakhapuri with two eggs instead of the standard one for ten rubles more . After dinner , we walked back to the room with a stop to buy some water along the way . We then tried to figure out about bedding for the sofa bed , which Nikolai searched for and later gave us . With the bed pulled out , it was a tight squeeze in the room , but we each had a bed and it was fine . We slept in a bit on Saturday and woke up to find breakfast waiting for us . There was cereal , yogurt , tea , coffee , bread , and butter . While eating , we befriended a Dutch backpacker who had been traveling around Russia by train . He was leaving Volgograd that day , but he gave us a few tips for what to see in the city . We eventually got our acts together and headed out to see the city . Our apartment truly was in the center . We were near Lenina ( generally the main road in any ex - Russian city that hasn 't been heavily renamed ) , the water , and the central eternal flame . When we walked to the eternal flame , we noticed a bunch of high school children who were performing an honor guard near it . They even did a changing of the guard with a slow march . From there , we popped down to see the riverbank . We saw a cool clock counting down to the opening of the World Cup , and got mobbed by Russian school children out on excursions . We walked along the waterfront to the Stalingrad Battle panorama museum . Parked outside was a neat T - 34 tank , which we took turns climbing . We then spent a few hours walking through the museum . It had a bunch of cool artifacts from the war , such as legendary Vasily Zaitsev 's Mosin - Nagant sniper rifle . Sadly , there wasn 't anything in the museum for me about POWs . Outside the museum , we walked around the samples of military technology and looked at the ruins of an old mill , which are preserved to show what the battle did to the buildings in the town . After the museum , we headed off to find some lunch , which we did at a wok and sushi place , which wasn 't too bad . From there , we walked the last mile and a half along Lenina to Mamaev Kurgan , the park for the Motherland Calls statue . From the bottom , we walked up a series of steps that said " To Our Soviet Motherland - USSR ! " Past more statues and reflecting ponds , we found the entrance to a building that housed an eternal flame and honor guard . On the façade of this building was a series of reliefs depicting Lenin , Red Army soldiers , and to my surprise , German POWs being taken captive . I couldn 't believe that . We watched from inside and then left when we thought it was done . We then went outside to head our way up the memorial complex , but turned when we heard footsteps getting louder . The soldiers march all the way up the complex and out the top of it . We then walked into the nearby chapel before walking down the hill and catching a trolleybus back to the hostel to relax a bit before dinner . We ended up getting food at a Russian restaurant that had a DJ , who curated a sweet soundtrack . We then walked to a local supermarket , where Erin and I bought some Russian beer , which we drank at the hostel before falling asleep . The next morning , we got up and arranged our transit to the airport the following day with Nikolai . Our flight was to leave at 6 : 00AM , so we wanted to give them warning and ask about when we should order a cab . Nikolai took care of it all for us while we were out exploring . As we ate out breakfast , a new guest came to stay at the hostel . He was a French backpacker who had flown to Vladivistok and was making his way back to Moscow via train . For reasons we couldn 't understand , neither the French nor the Dutch backpackers spoke much Russian . The French guy mostly sat there as we planned our day . Nikolai seemed sad when we didn 't take him with us for the day , but we had planned to travel far out in the city that day , and there wouldn 't be space for him with us in the taxi . From the hostel , we walked a few blocks to the basement of the Central Universal Store , or TsUM . Originally , in the basement , there was a Red Army field hospital . As the territory changed hands over the battle , it then became a Wehrmacht field hospital and headquarters of sorts . In this basement , General Field Marshall Friedrich von Paulus was captured by the Red Army . He was perhaps the most notorious German POW in Soviet hands , and Hitler was livid that Paulus allowed himself to be captured instead of killing himself . The museum was also great in that the woman working at the desk remembered us from the Panorama the day before and believed that we were all students . We also found out that photography , including flash photography ( usually a huge no - no in Russian museums ) was allowed at no extra charged . As we neared the end of the exhibit , one of the directors noticed us and gave us a brief private tour in English and then invited us to join along on the Russian tour , but we sadly had to decline to go off on more adventures . From the bunker museum , we walked towards the train station hoping to find a place for lunch . We quickly found a burger joint that was Chuck Norris themed . They even had Chuck Norris juice and ketchup and mustard bottles . After a quick walk around the train station , and a stop by the recreation of the famous fountain of children around an alligator , we called a Yandex taxi to take us about 45 minutes out in the city to a former German settlement called Sarepta . We got into the cab and I told the driver that I was surprised that he was willing to drive us so far . He said it was only 30 kilometers , which was nothing given that the city itself is 80 kilometers ( 50 miles ) long . Along the way , he laughed when I asked him to turn up a currently popular Russian rap song on the radio called " Ice Melts Between Us . " At the Sarepta museum , we got to go into exhibits in three buildings of a former German farming settlement . The first building , where we bought the tickets , was actually the last building . We were instructed to head off to a different one , which turned out to be a museum of mustard . Apparently , Volgograd is known for mustard oil , and we got to see how they traditionally extracted it with a candle and hand crank press . In the third building , we got a small view of what rooms looked like that people lived in in the community . Along the statue , there was some sassy graffiti , such as one piece that said " Я жив - В . И . Ленин ( I am alive - V . I . Lenin ) , " which was a play on the famous Soviet slogan " Ленин жил . Ленин жив . Ленин будет жить ( Lenin Lived . Lenin is Living . Lenin Will Live . " At the bottom of the statue , there were steps leading to the Volga River . The water seemed to be unusually high and flooding some trees . We also saw a man drive up on a boat and potentially exchange some things and money with some youths . Basically , we may have witnessed a boat based drug deal . So that was fun . From the Lenin statue , we walked along the river to see the main gate of the Volga - Don Canal , which was a massive Soviet canal project that was completed after the war and largely through the labor of German POWs . The gates were impressive , and as we neared them , we noticed that men were catching fish in the waters . One guy saw us and asked if we wanted to buy fish . I said that we couldn 't , that we had no way to prepare them . He answered that he would give us a bag , and it would be fine . I then explained that we had nowhere to cook the fish , and he let us go . From the Canal , we headed off towards a café that was built around a Yak - 40 jet , and decided that it would be a good place to call a taxi back to the center . A driver somewhat quickly accepted the fare , but then I noticed that he wasn 't moving on the map for a long time . I called him and asked why he was taking so long . He said that he didn 't want to drive back to the center , that it was too far and for too little money . He told me that no one would want to drive that far for Yandex . My reply was , " then how did I get here in the first place ? " Annoyed , I hung up on him and saw that he was refusing the cancel the order . I cancelled , filed a complaint against him in the system , and then got a different driver . Rather than wasting time again , I called him and asked if he would take us to the address . He seemed confused by my question . He said that he could see on the map that it was where we want to go and asked if we wanted to go somewhere else . Unlike the first driver , he paid attention to the address of the fare and didn 't mind driving us there . We then embarked on a forty minute ride of insanity and terror . Our driver , while extremely friendly , drove like a rally driver in a beat up old Nissan station wagon . He was very gopnik , complete with a knockoff Adidas track jacket , and the standard Russian man sunglasses . The car smelled strongly of gasoline , and he weaved in and out of traffic . Once he started talking , he didn 't stop until we arrived at the hostel . At first , he started talking about the Mongol conquest of Russia when Erin and I said we were historians . He then started to talk about a friend who uses a metal detector to search for treasures in the fields , which led to a story about him finding and selling a coin from the era of Peter the Great . The driver then started to talk about some icon that his grandfather had given him . During this conversation , he almost drove us into a truck . He also narrowly avoided running over a large chunk of metal that had fallen off of a different car ahead of us . As he was talking about the icon , he mentioned something about the water of the Volga and quickly pulled off of the road and into a gas station . He then got something out of the trunk and poured it into the gas tank . I 'm not sure if he was pulling in gas from a jerry can , as the fuel gauge read E the whole way , or if he was adding dry gas . Either he was supposed to bless his icon in the Volga , or there was water in his fuel . He spoke in a very confusing fashion , which wasn 't helped by the radio and open windows . We got back onto the road , and he then told us about how he had broken up with his girlfriend of five years . Mercifully , we arrived before we could die from his driving . Exiting the taxi , we popped into a local blini restaurant for an early dinner . The shashlyk blini was depressingly bad . Gustav then headed back to relax while Erin , Linda , and I walked to the water and then into a bookstore . We then returned home where we sat and had tea until nightfall . We had decided to go back to Mamaev Kurgan at night to see it lit up . We took the tramvai there , which in Volgograd is like a miniature metro at times . In the center of the city , the tramvai runs underground and has stations reminiscent of the metro . And , without street traffic , the tramvai was able to go really fast . On the way down , we noticed a woman wearing a very strange track suit . Actually , track suits were very popular in Volgograd . She had a green , knockoff Adidas track suit that was very tight . She decided to pair it with a pair of heels that only a stripper would wear . As we walked down , I got a sneak photo . Others were not as covert . One guy with his girlfriend took a photo with a flash . His girlfriend was laughing , and I told her that we had also taken photos . This caused her to burst out laughing to the point of tears . We climbed down and took the tramvai back to the hostel . There , we had tea with Lilia and Nikolai in the kitchen . We told them about our day 's adventures , while the French guy awkwardly sat there looking at his phone and eating cereal without milk . Lilia asked if we had tried the mustard oil at Sarepta . When we said no , she pulled out a bottle and cut up some bread for us to taste it with . Nikolai reminded us many times that it was better with black bread , while we had to make do with French bread . We also told them that I was studying German prisoners of war , and they told me that they had built their building . Lilia also told me that there is a cemetery in the area that has a new monument and German graves , so it looks like I 'll have to come back to Volgograd . Nikolai then told us that we had to each wake up in 15 minute intervals , which was actually right . He made a joke that we wouldn 't all go in the shower that the same time , but that it was OK with him if we wanted to . He said we were more than welcome to try , but that he couldn 't imagine how we would all fit . Lilia then told him to stop teasing us . Thus , at 3 : 00AM this morning , we took shifts waking and dressing before bidding Nikolai goodbye and heading off in the taxi . Our driver this morning was crazy . He laughed when those in the back seat tried to find their seatbelts and said they weren 't necessary , and that no one would get in trouble for not having them . He then drove like a maniac the whole way . At one straightaway , he accelerated up to 155kph , or 95mph , and took his hands off of the wheel to see if the car would track straight . The instrument cluster was also lit up like a Christmas tree . ABS ? ESP ? Those are for cowards . He almost crashed us into the back of a car that didn 't move over for us , and aggressively passed a series of other drivers . He then dropped us off at Terminal C , which was the wrong Terminal . We then walked over to the dilapidated , Soviet Terminal A , where we checked in . At check in , Gustav had a run in with the man putting on the baggage tags . The guy said that he would have to check his bag because he had a small wheeled carry on and a small backpack . I said that he was allowed to have a bag and a smaller second bag that 's a personal item . He then countered about the weight of Gustav 's bag , which was heavy due to his school books , but the issue was quickly resolved by the woman working at the check - in computer , who said he was going to Moscow and that it was fine for him to take the bag onboard . Before passing through security , we had a breakfast , which was packed for us by Lilia . She had given each of us a juice box and a bear shaped treat that are filled and made for kids . We then made it through security and killed time before getting onto a bus to the plane . It was a little unclear which gate was for our plane , and no one seemed to work at the airport to tell us . The flight was uneventful , and we landed in Moscow without any issues . We got on a bus , walked through the airport , and ran to catch the 8 : 30 Aeroexpress train . I then went back and took a nap before wandering around Moscow with my adviser , but that is a story for another time . May 9th , or Victory Day ( День Победы , Den ' Pobedy ) , is a major Russian holiday at commemorates Soviet victory in World War Two in the European theater of war . The first Victory Parade was held in Moscow at Red Square on June 24 , 1945 . After that , though , Victory Day was not a holiday , and did not become so until 1965 and the 20th anniversary of the ending of WWII . During the Brezhnev era , the Soviet victory over fascism became a point of stability and self - worth for the Soviet government . It was under Brezhnev that the Cult of WWII became a phenomenon and part of Soviet society . Major parades on Victory Day , though , were reserved for large anniversaries of the date . Only four Victory Parades took place in the Soviet Union , in 1945 , 1965 , 1985 , and 1990 . The major military parades were saved for the anniversary of the October Revolution , which was celebrated on November 7th ( when the Revolution took place , the Russians still used the Julian calendar ; the Soviets switched the nation over to the Gregorian calendar ) . Under Putin , however , the Victory Day parade has become a staple , and the Cult of WWII has regained a prominent place in Russian society . As a fan of military technology and the stereotypical images of tanks and ICBMs rolling down Red Square , it was a dream come true to be in Moscow for Victory Day . Due to the importance of the event , a number of practices are held in the weeks leading up to the parade . One night after Taekwondo , Jean Louis found out about the practice , so we headed off to Red Square around 9 : 45PM in the cold and rain . We were able to stand near the Okhotnoy Ryad Metro entrance and see all of the tanks parked and ready to roll onto Red Square . As we stood under the rain , we heard the soldiers on Red Square shout " УРА " ( Hooray ) before the machines started up and rolled past us . It was absolutely unreal to stand meters away from moving tanks , missile launchers , and ICBMs . It 's one thing to see them in museums , but it 's completely different to feel the sidewalk shaking underfoot as the trundle past at speed . A few days later , I managed to see another practice off of Tverskaya Ulitsa , one of the main roads in downtown Moscow . This practice was held earlier in the evening , or rather , I saw the technology roll by closer to 7 : 00PM . They would then wait outside of Red Square and would again drive onto Red Square after 10 : 00PM , once the soldiers had finished their marches . I went with two of my dorm neighbors , Gustav and Linda , and we were again very lucky to get right up to the barricade near the Mayakovskaya Metro stop . This repetition was even better because it was daylight . Because we were at the spot where the tanks turn off of the Garden Ring and onto Tverskaya , there were some gaps in the procession and differences in speed of the vehicles . Trying to catch up to the ones ahead , some of the tanks were clearly driving at full speed when they went past . You could see the damage they were doing to the pavement . On Sunday morning , I had been having brunch with Jean Louis on the 8th floor . While we were cleaning up , we got the surprise of a lifetime with the practice for the aerial portion of the parade . Our dormitory is right under the flight path towards Red Square , and the planes were just overhead . The view from the kitchen window was perfect . I geeked out as I saw a number of really cool planes fly over , such as an Antonov An - 124 Ruslan ( the largest military transport plane in the world ) , and the Tupolev Tu - 95 bomber . The Tu - 95 is known as the Bear bomber according to NATO , and it is Russia 's equivalent to the B - 52 . It 's the USSR / Russia 's strategic long - range bomber that can drop nukes and conventional bombs as well as fire cruise missiles . Unlike the B - 52 , which is jet powered , the Tu - 95 features 4 turbo - prop engines with 8 contra - rotating propellers . It 's one of the fastest propeller driven aircraft and is also one of the loudest military aircraft . The noise of them flying overhead was deafening . You could hear them from really far off , and that must have been somewhat what it was like to live through the Blitz , hearing propeller bombers approaching from far off . The sound meant that nothing good could be coming . There was also a sweet flyover of various fighter jets and bombers , which were in great patterns . The final planes dropped smoke in the color of the Russian flag , which was great . On Victory Day itself , I woke up at 6 : 30 so that I could leave the dorm at 7 : 00 to head off to Tverskaya , one of the main roads in Moscow to try to watch the military vehicles parade down the roads . The major ceremony takes place at Red Square , but only diplomats , veterans , and special guests can go to see the parade in person . It 's an invitation only event . Myself and a few others braved the cold weather and rain to head to the same spot on Tverskaya just past the Mayakovskaya Metro stop to catch the machinery roll by before parking off of Red Square . The official ceremony starts at 10 : 00AM . We figured we could see the stuff and then wait for the planes to fly over . When we got there around 7 : 30 , we spoke to a few cops and they said that the stuff had already gone by at around 7 : 00 if not earlier . While deliberating what to do , Jean Louis was briefly interview for some Russian TV channel . Slightly discouraged by the lack of tanks , we walked by foot in the direction of Red Square to see how close we could get . The closest , near the Teatralnaya Metro stop , didn 't give us views of anything . The others talked about maybe going to one particular spot , and I wasn 't sure what would or wouldn 't be visible from there . I walked back to the dorm to have a quick chat with the security guards about going on the roof . The guy in the first building said that he didn 't have a key to the roof , and to ask the guys in the main building . He told me to tell him if the other guards had the key , because he also wanted to go on the roof to watch the planes fly over . So I went off to the main building and asked the guard there if he had a key to the roof so that we could watch the planes . He said that he didn 't have it , and that he himself had been searching for it for the same reason . I wished him a happy holiday , and he said he would unlock the main door for me to leave . We then stood there for a solid minute while he tried to unlock the door . Once again , I was reminded at how deadly every exit to the university potentially is . On the street , I ran into an acquaintance named Anna . She said she was waiting for her friend Dasha , and that they were going to go to Tverskaya together to watch the tanks . I said that I had been told that they had already gone by , and she said that was crazy . By this time it was already nearing 9 : 00AM . She said that the first vehicles , such as the T - 34 tank on a trailer ( 70 + year old tanks aren 't meant to drive miles down the roads of Moscow ) , were probably what had gone by . We hopped on the Metro and rode to the center , to a station where there are four stations together . It turns out that we could only exit from one of them , which means we had to walk through basically three others to get to the street . We exited at Arbatskaya and stood in a fairly thick crowd . By chance , another acquaintance , Dima , was there and saw me . He said hello and told us how to join up with the others , so we quickly walked off and wound up on a hill overlooking the exit of the Kremlin , right were the vehicles would leave the Kremlin and drive up and through the city . Sadly , from that point it 's impossible to see the foot soldiers . The parade of vehicles was just as cool as when I saw the various repetitions . On one hand , the practices were better because I was closer to the vehicles , but it 's something else to see them rolling with the Kremlin walls in the background . As soon as the tanks passed , the police made announcements for the crowd to disperse . Due to the poor weather , the planes had been cancelled . Some people were saying that it was the coldest Victory Day ever . While I 'm not sure of that , I do know that it was indeed cold . On the 8th , it alternated between raining heavily and snowing . I thought that this was intentional . The Russians do something to the clouds to push them out of the sky and cause them to rain before and after the holiday so that the skies are clear on the holiday itself . They either didn 't do it , or it was too cold and the clouds were too saturated . The temperature on Victory Day ranged from the mid - 30s to the mid - 40s Fahrenheit , and it rained on and off for most of the day . The weather was evidently bad enough that they decided not to do the fly overs . Slightly dejected , we wandered off to get food . We wound up back by Pushkin Square , which was filled with a parade for various political parties including the Communist Party and one that was for the restoration of the monarchy . After getting cut off a few times , we eventually wound up in a good cafeteria where we all chowed down and regained some energy . We then walked to the Hermitage Garden , where there was a smaller collection of Victory Day activities . There were a number of old GAZ Volga cars , and there was a Ural motorcycle that we could sit on . There was a concert of military music , and there was a special ceremony of thanks and recognition for a few veterans of WWII . There are still a few of them around , and they were proudly enjoying the day 's activities . From there , we walked back to RGGU to have tea and rest up for other activities . Around 7 : 15 , Jean Louis asked if I wanted to get dinner with him . We walked to the store and got some booze and then grabbed some food from McDonald 's , which we ate in the 9th floor kitchen . Izaro was making herself pasta , and Étienne was sitting and having a cup of noodles . Jean Louis then invited him to the fireworks . Gustav also joined us , and we hopped in the metro to ride off to Park Pobedy , Victory Park . The show was supposed to start at 10 : 00 , so we left before 9 : 00 . When we changed stations at Kievskaya , we all piled into an overcrowded car for the one stop to Victory Park . In the station , we met up with Dima , and then we proceeded out and to the park . To get into the park we had to wait in line to go through metal detectors . The crowd was pretty tight getting through security , but once we were inside it was OK , as the park is huge . We then met up with the Italians and two Germans . At 10 : 00 , the fireworks began and lasted for about ten or fifteen minutes . Leaving the park was quite difficult . As soon as the fireworks ended , people rushed the exits . We went towards the exit , but all movement stopped pretty quickly . We stood unmoving for quite some time . We then tried to see if we could go out a different exit , but it had been blocked . We were essentially locked into the park by police barricades . Only after a while did they open the main barricade that was stopping us . We got shuffled and pushed towards the exit with the mob . We unfortunately lost two of our friends in the process . As we approached the entrance to the metro , the mob was bonkers . We were being crushed and pushed from every direction as everyone rushed to get down the stairs . Once a few steps into the metro entrance , however , the crowd dispersed and we were able to have some space to ourselves and make sure everyone was there to head home . In total , Victory Day was absolutely fantastic . I fulfilled a dream of mine to be in Moscow on Victory Day , which is everything I had hoped it would be and more . I also walked 13 miles over the course of the day , so my body feels like one of the tanks rolled over me . And now I have to leave for the former Party Archive , where I will spend my day reading about POWs . Life is never dull as a WWII historian . I just got back from a weekend trip to Yerevan , Armenia . I 've wanted to go to Armenia since my sophomore year of college . In spring 2009 , I took a course in the politics of the ex - USSR . We studied the collapse of the Soviet Union and how it impacted each of the 15 republics , as well as many of the Eastern Bloc nations . A major component of the course was to spend a semester studying one of those nations . We had to write a research paper on them as well as make drafts of a Wikipedia page of sorts for the country . The professor told us that it would behoove us to choose a country that had a close history or political relationship with another country . The other country would be our partner , and we were supposed to help each other out . My good friend Lauren and I met to strategize and pick nations that we thought would work well together and wouldn 't be immediately chosen by others . Being a huge fan of the band System of a Down , I wanted to go with Armenia . For those of you unfamiliar with System of a Down , they 're a metal band from Los Angeles . Each of the members is of Armenian heritage . They played a great concert at Yerevan 's Freedom Square in 2015 for the centennial anniversary of the Armenian Genocide . Lauren chose Azerbaijan , and our semester of research took off without a hitch . After spending months researching Armenia , I became fascinated by it . I even strongly considered applying for a Fulbright ETA to Armenia instead of Russia . Although Russia won out in that decision process , I had not given up on eventually going to Armenia . Thankfully , one of my fellow ASEEES grantees has been doing research in a few republics other than Russia . Erin was wonderful and let me visit her and crash at her place . On Friday morning , I headed off to the airport . On the way out of the dorm , the strictest dezhurnaya , Olga , saw me leaving and asked why I was leaving so soon . She had evidently noticed that I had not been around for a few weeks and was confused as to why I was again heading out of the dorm at an early hour with a full backpack . I explained that I was going to Yerevan for the weekend to visit a friend researching there , and that I had to do the super quick turnaround due to Russian migration laws . When you travel within Russia , or return from abroad , you have to register your place of living . I traveled to Ulyanovsk when I did to make sure that I could see two of my best friends and to ensure that I wouldn 't have problems with migration concerning the trip to Armenia . I had booked the tickets to Armenia moderately far in advance with regards to Erin 's schedule . Immediately after returning from Kazakhstan , I handed in my papers at the university to register at the dorms . According to Russian migration laws , a foreigner has to register their visa within 7 business days in a new city . Then , when I traveled to Ulyanovsk , I registered at my friend Ira 's apartment . It takes me a week to get my registration from the university , as opposed to immediately if registering with a private citizen through a post - office or police station , so I knew I wouldn 't have time to reregister after Ulyanovsk before heading to Armenia . That 's why I decided to come back from Ulyanovsk on a Wednesday and fly out on a Friday , I wouldn 't have to bother with reregistering . The flight left Sheremetyevo a little late , but we were scheduled to land early . The flight was mostly fine . It wasn 't quite the steal of $ 15 roundtrip to Kazakhstan , but the miles reward flight only cost me $ 50 roundtrip . We got the standard " breakfast " meal of a fish sandwich , yogurt , and chocolate bar with a drink . Around the time that they were serving me , we started to hit some light turbulence , so they stopped the hot drink service . After the meal service was cleaned up , we hit some moderate turbulence . You know it 's never a good sign when they tell the crew to take their seats . We were jostled fairly roughly for about five or ten minutes . After that , though , it was fairly smooth into Yerevan . My plane even had WiFi for streaming of entertainment on personal devises . There 's a reason why Aeroflot has recently become the top rated European airline . After making it through the airport , I met Erin and we grabbed a taxi back to her place . We managed to take the same taxi that had dropped her off at the airport . She had told the driver that she was picking me up , and he had given her his number and told her to call in case he was still around . To my glee , our taxi was a 1997 Mercedes W210 . Erin spoke with the driver in Armenian , but he also spoke Russian , so I questioned him about his car a little . He seemed pleased that I was so interested in it . While on the topic of cars , Armenia was a vehicular paradise for me . Many of the cars are old Mercedes , mostly C and E classes from 1995 - 2003 . There are also a smattering of Baby Benzes , the W201 , and a few of my beloved W124s , though those were rarer and are generally post - 1990 face lift models . There were also a fair number of newer E Classes of the W211 and W212 models , a smattering of W140 S Classes , and a surprising number of Geländewagens . For the German car nut , Armenia is probably a place to travel to hunt what are becoming collector 's items in the USA and Europe . I saw a few 190Es plus some rarer tuned Mercedes . There were a handful done by Brabus or Carlsson . However , I 'm not sure how legitimate all of these are . My taxi back to the airport on Monday was clearly modified . For example , the driver had affixed a gear knob that said V12 , and the steering wheel was from a 2002 or so W210 , and not 1998 , which he said the model was . I 'm also second guessing the authenticity of some of the W124s . A former neighbor from Ulyanovsk lives in Dushanbe , Tajikistan . He told me that it 's common to apply the newer body kits to the first generation W124s . He did that himself to his W124 . Mercedes were by far the German car of choice in Armenia , but there were also some great BMWs , including a drool worthy M3 , and some Audis . Opels were also quite common on the streets . German cars made up either 1 / 3 or ½ of the cars on the road . The remaining models were split between Soviet cars , like Lada Zhigulis and Nivas , or my beloved UAZ and odds and ends of other companies from Europe , America , and Asia . I asked my driver back to the airport on Monday about all of the Mercedes in Yerevan . I wondered if there was a company that bought them wholesale and brought them in , but he said it was all private buyers who went to Germany and drove them back . After dropping off my stuff at Erin 's apartment , we set off to explore downtown Yerevan and grab some lunch . Our first order of business was to walk down to the main street and hop in a marshrutka , which took us further into the center . In Armenia , the marshrutki are predominantly old GAZelle models . Unlike in Russia , you pay when exiting the marshrutka . Also , unlike in Russia , you can stand in the old model of marshrutka . In the center , we headed to a hipster microbrewery . There is a vibrant Armenian community in Los Angeles , and it seems that some of LA has moved back to Yerevan . The microbrewery had excellent beers , one of which was an apricot wheat lager . Armenia is known for its fruits , one of which is apricot . The menu had sassy descriptions of trendy foods such as Tex - Mex and poutine . While I am generally missing Mexican food in Russia , I couldn 't help but order the poutine to troll my Canadian friends . It was delicious and I regret nothing . From lunch , we wandered around one of the main squares of Yerevan , Opera , and then we popped into one of Yerevan 's many cafés to have a pick me up of coffee . Yerevan has a very European feel . It reminds me a lot of France , actually . There is a huge coffee and café culture . Everyone enjoys sitting out on the street , sipping coffee , and watching the crowds go by . Yerevan is also moderately accessible for a foreign traveler , especially one with knowledge of Russian . Most people over 30 are bilingual in Armenian and Russian . People under 30 seem to be bilingual in Armenian and English , or are trilingual with Russian . Architecturally , Yerevan is also a mixture of Soviet and European . Although many of the older buildings are in the standardized Soviet five or nine - story blocks , they have their own character . There is a lot of volcanic stone in Armenia , the most common of which is in a pinkish hue . Most of the buildings are constructed of this local stone , so they don 't have the same depressing quality as the grey blocks of the rest of the USSR . Located on the periphery of the Soviet Union , it seems that Armenia was also granted some leniencies to allow its local culture to flourish . Again , which the buildings are in somewhat standardized configurations , they often had uniform and ornate balconies as well as embellishments such as carvings and columns . While this architectural style is often vaguely brutal in the terms of Stalin 's neoclassical style , in Armenia it makes everything look like a Mediterranean paradise . From coffee , Erin and I relaxed a bit before changing , grabbing a taxi , and heading off to another one of Yerevan 's venerated traditions , a jazz club . We went to the most famous venue in Yerevan , Malkhas Jazz Club . There 's live jazz starting at 9 : 00PM nightly . We went and had a nice table with a decent view of the musicians on the ground floor . The band was great , and the food and drinks only added to the experience . I was able to get a perfectly cooked , rare filet mignon for about $ 10 . The White Russian I had with it made it an evening of surprisingly affordable decadence . The cover charge , food , drink , water , and gratuity was less than $ 25 . 00 for me . That 's another nice and handy thing in Armenia . In most restaurants and cafés , a 10 % gratuity is automatically applied to the bill . On Saturday morning , Erin and I ventured out of Yerevan to two nearby and major sites . Her landlord gave us the number of a taxi driver , who took us out and back for about $ 25 . 00 . He picked us up from the apartment , which is actually right next to his usual corner taxi stand , and drove us about an hour out of the city along the winding roads of the countryside to Garni and Geghard . The countryside in Armenia is simply stunning . Yerevan itself is built at the base of and then up a mountain . We drove up the mountain and then found ourselves riding along road paradise . I would love to rent a car and drive around the back roads for a week or two . Unlike in Georgia , the drivers seemed fairly calm and more or less respected the lines on the road and kept to reasonable speeds . Along the road , we passed stands selling local food delicacies , small villages , dacha settlements , and a very interesting farm fresh butcher . There was a shepherd with a pen of sheep . You could pick out the sheep and the guy would kill , skin , and cut it for you on the roadside . Farm fresh eating indeed . Sadly , I didn 't manage to catch a picture of that . The first place we went was the Temple of Garni . It was probably built in the First Century AD to a sun god . It was repurposed into a royal residence after Armenia 's conversion to Christianity . According to Wikipedia , it was ruined in an earthquake in the 17th century , and was later rediscovered during archeological digs . The Soviets reconstructed in the 1960s and 1970s , and it 's the only Greco - Roman colonnade building in the former Soviet Union . The temple itself was pretty impressive , but the views from it of the mountains , valleys , and rivers were stunning . While walking back to the taxi , we popped by the stands of local food vendors and acquired a few provisions for our travels . We bought a fruit leather called T ' tu Lavash or Lavashak . Basically , fruit is cooked down with water and then spread out to bake , traditionally in the sun . Think of it as an all - natural fruit roll up . I believe we got a pomegranate one . We also got a second one that was apricot that had walnuts rolled up with it . Finally , we got a traditional bread that 's frequently sold at Garni and Geghard called Gata . It 's a sweet bread , and the local variant is filled with something called koritz . It has the consistency and almost the taste of marzipan , but it 's just flour , sugar , and butter . Armed with snacks , we got back into our taxi and rode to Geghard , which is a monastery complex that 's partially carved out of a mountain . The complex was founded in the 4th Century and the main chapel was built in 1215 . Perhaps few know the religious history of Armenia . The Armenian Apostolic Church was founded in the 1st Century AD , and Armenia was the first nation to adopt Christianity as the state religion in 301 AD . In comparison , the Roman Empire Christianized under Constantine the Great during his reign from 306 - 337 AD and it only became the state religion by the end of the 4th Century . Kievan Rus ' , a predecessor of the Russian Empire Christianized in 988 . Many of the monks lived in little cells that were hewn out of the mountain . Being fairly isolated from society , the monks took to harvesting honey for nourishment . This tradition continues to this day , and there are a ton of bee hives around the territory of the monastery . After our picnic , we rode back into the city and rested for a bit before walking into the center of Yerevan . We walked around one of the other main sites , the Cascade , before grabbing dinner at a Caucasian restaurant called Kavkaz that had a mixture of Armenia , Persian , and Georgian foods . We split a delightful khachipuri ; a dolma platter ( pronounced tolma in Armenian ) which included stuffed cabbage , peppers , eggplant , and tomatoes ; and a meat , potato , and spice dish called ker u sus that translates along the lines of " shut up and eat . " Everything was delicious and I was too busy stuffing my face to remember to take a photo of the meal . We also had a cool yogurt drink called Tan . It 's basically just watered down yogurt , and it 's super refreshing and cooling , especially in the hot weather . Coming from Moscow , it was indeed hot in Armenia . When I left Moscow , it was around freezing , and it was in the 70s during the day each day in Armenia . It was a treat to walk around in short sleeves and to sit outside for most of our meals . After dinner , we headed to a rock club called the Stop Club to catch a band playing covers of 70s hard rock . They were pretty good . They played the Rolling Stones , Deep Purple , and the Doors among others . The mostly stuck to bluesy hard rock . With the inside of the Cascade is the Cafesjian Center for the Arts . The museum is broken up into five levels that go up and into the mountain . On each level , it 's possible to walk out onto the Cascade and get different views of the city . It 's also a convenient way of heading up the mountain . The last few flights have to be done on foot . One cool part of this Victory Park is that no one seems to care if you climb on the military hardware on display around the base of the Mother Armenia statue . One piece of hardware is a T - 34 tank , which was the main Soviet tank of WWII . It was the first tank to use sloped armor , and is sometimes known as the tank that won WWII . I , naturally , never pass up the opportunity to climb one if it is offered . It 's dissertation research at this point . We then took a marshrutka back down into the city so that we could take a ride on the Yerevan Metro . The marshrutka was already full , so we had to stand for the ride down the hill , which was a little unpleasant . The driver was speeding , and I made the mistake of looking at his instrument cluster . What I found was a series of broken gauges . The rev counter was stuck at 5 , 500 RPM , the speedometer didn 't function , and the needles were missing from the fuel and oil gauges . Thankfully , we arrived without harm , and hopped into the metro . It was opened in 1981 , and looks like most Soviet metros . It is built with the simpler caterpillar design of halls , but they are moderately ornamented with national themes . The cars themselves are the standard 1970s design that continues to run in Moscow and Tbilisi , but like in Tbilisi , the cars have been renovated recently with investment from the European Union . From the Metro , we walked back to Erin 's place with a quick pit stop at a vendor by her street . I had noticed a man selling homemade wine and spirits out of the back of his Lada . He was selling them in recycled water and soda bottles . I asked what he had to offer . He had a variety of flavors of wine including raspberry and cherry . He offered a sample of the raspberry wine , which I bought a bottle of for about $ 3 . 00 . Erin and I then relaxed and had some wine in her apartment before walking into the center for dinner at an Indian restaurant . Stuffed to the gills with butter chicken , lentils , and nan , we walked to the second main square of Yerevan , Freedom Square , via a quick stop at Opera Square again . We saw the start of a rally on the eve of Genocide Remembrance Day . We didn 't quite catch the start , but people had gathered for a candlelight vigil before marching off somewhere else in the city . Freedom Square was nicely lit up at night , and they have a fountain , light , and music show in the evenings called the Singing Fountains , which we watched for a while . The song choices were quite eclectic . When we approached the square , we heard Elgar 's " Pomp and Circumstance " before also hearing Wing 's " Live and Let Die , " " The Circle of Life " from the Lion King , and Donna Summer 's " Hot Stuff . " From Freedom Square , we hopped back on the Metro and went home for an earlier evening . On Monday morning , we woke up early so that we could attend the traditional ceremony for Genocide Remembrance Day . April 24th is a holiday in Armenia for that cause . From 1915 to 1923 , the Ottoman Empire launched a genocide against its Armenian population . The arrest deportation of Armenian intellectuals , which started on April 24 , 1915 , is seen as the starting date of the Genocide . Every year , Armenians gather at the Armenian Genocide Memorial at Tsitsernakaberd to walk up the hill to the monument and lay flowers inside the memorial . One of Erin 's Armenian friends said that we should get there around 8 : 00 to avoid waiting for a very long time . We got up and walked to the taxi stand at the end of Erin 's street and found a nice man with a W140 S Class to drive us as far as the bridge that leads up to the memorial complex . Some of the roads were closed to regular traffic to accommodate the large crowds heading to the memorial . Incidentally , this was the first time that I got to ride in a W140 , so I was pretty excited . I was not excited , however , when the driver used most of the power of the V8 engine to rocket us down the hill while his break wear indicator light was on . My only consolation was that these cars are absolute tanks , and unlike in Georgia or Central Asia , the seatbelts in the backseat were still installed and functioning . We walked across the bridge and found a flower vendor near the base of the complex . We climbed up the hill with the crowds and eventually wound up in a fairly large crowd at the top of the hill to wait our turn to enter the memorial and lay our flowers around the eternal flame . The ceremony was understandably a very big deal , and a variety of news outlets were televising the procession . The event was also incredibly well organized . The crowd was funneled up the complex to the monument along one main path . From the top , the crowd was then taken down to the other side along a different path . At the base of the path , there were free busses , which were there to take people either back to the other side of the memorial or to one of the metro stops , which we rode on back to Erin 's neighborhood . We then walked back into town for a brunch at a café where I had something that more or less approximated a ham , egg , and cheese sandwich on a bagel . We then strolled back to her apartment with a stop via a nice bakery for some cookies . After a quick drink of a little more of the raspberry wine , we headed outside for my taxi back to the airport . We had arranged with the guy who drove us to the Genocide Memorial for a taxi to take me to the airport . The guy was supposed to be at the apartment at 12 : 15 , but when he wasn 't there around 12 : 30 we deiced to call a taxi through Armenia 's version of Uber , GG Taxi . At the same time that the GG Taxi arrived , the other driver showed up . He was slightly annoyed that we had called a GG Taxi , but it was his loss for showing up about 20 minutes late for a ride to the airport . I was also not so secretly happy to get to ride back to the airport in a 1998 W210 . I had already checked in for my flight , so I just had to wait in line for a short bit to get a boarding pass . Immigration control once again went very quickly with the 20 or so kiosks that were set up to process travelers . The terminal itself is fairly new and quite small . There are about six gates , a few kiosks for food and drink , and newsstand , and great lounge chairs with views of the runway , Mount Ararat , and free WiFi . Although our plane boarded a few minutes late , we pushed back from the gate 2 minutes ahead of schedule . The flight was calm after some light turbulence around takeoff , and we landed in Moscow 20 minutes ahead of schedule . I made it through immigration reasonably quickly and without issues and was back in my dorm well ahead of my 9 : 00PM laundry slot . And so concludes a the trip to my 6th ex - Soviet Republic . Yesterday morning , I returned from a two week trip to Ulyanovsk . I went in order to do research in local archives there . Of course , I also spent time catching up with friends . I even served as a tour guide for a few days . Anne - Marie has been traveling a bit around Russia and wanted to see the city that I 'm always raving about , so we went together for the first few days . We left Moscow on a Monday night on the train . Anne - Marie and I ended up getting spots in platskart , or third class . I 've never ridden in third class before , and she had never been on a sleeper train , so it was quite the adventure for both of us . Third class is an open train carriage with roughly 6 sleeping places grouped together . Like in kupe , or second class , there are four spots around a table , two upper and two lower . As there are no doors diving the spaces , there is more space along the walkways in third class , so there are two bunks that go along the windows . Anne - Marie got the upper bunk on the hallway , and I got my preferred lower bunk . Our neighbors on the ride to Ulyanovsk were fairly nice but weren 't talkative with us . They left us to our own devices . On another train adventure , Anne - Marie and I walked down almost the entire length of the train to check out the restaurant car . I had never been to one on a Russian train , and she was curious . The crossings between the train carriages were pretty scary at times , but we made it to the restaurant and back for a beer . We arrived in Ulyanovsk on a Tuesday morning . We hopped in a cab to meet my friend Ira at a language school . Ira was incredibly generous and let the two of us stay with her , and then continued to let me stay with her the whole time . After a detour to the famous Shashlychnaya on Federatsiya , we dropped off our stuff in the apartment and got another set of keys made before I showed Anne - Marie around the major streets and sights of the center . One of our stops was the Lenin Memorial Museum . Sometime since the summer of 2014 , they redid some of the exhibits . We enjoyed the museum , but I was upset because my favorite exhibit is gone . My favorite item there was the giant socialist - realist carpet with Lenin , scientists , and farmers . I asked a woman working there where the carpet had gone . " I see you 've been here before , " she stated . She then said that they had slightly changed the exhibit , and that 's just the way that it would be for a while . The next day , we went to a series of other museums along Lenin and Tolstoy Streets . My former Russian teacher , her friend Olga , and the new Fulbrighter at the Politech went on the excursions with us . It was my fourth trip to the architecture museum , I think , and when we went inside my Russian teacher said that it was now my turn to give the tours . In Russian ! So I complied and talked about the formation of the Simbirsk Kremlin by Bogdan Khitrovo on the banks of the Volga , then the edge of the Russian state . On Thursday , we got up and headed to one of my favorite museums in the world , the Museum of Civil Aviation . It 's a moderately sized aviation museum on the outskirts of the city by the old airport . While it may not be huge , I think it 's the best aviation museum in the world because you can enter a few of the planes and sit in the cockpits . We had a ball wandering around the Tu - 124 . When we arrived , we were told that the Tu - 144 , the Soviet Concorde , was closed . After having fun , we went back to the office to ask how to take a bus back , as we had taken a taxi to get to the museum . A new man was sitting in the office and was curious about our accents . He got very excited when we said we were from the USA and Canada . He then made some jokes about maple syrup and silver dollars . I jokingly said I had American Marlboros , which I would trade to get into the Concorde . He said we could go into the Concorde anyway , but gladly took two cigarettes . As we were being let into the Concorde by the woman who sold us the tickets , she told us that the man was the director of the museum . After playing around inside the Concorde for a bit , we went back into the office where we had tea with the director and museum employees . The director is an incredibly friendly and generous man , who invited us back to the museum for a private tour with him . From the aviation museum , we got another meal at the shashlychnaya before heading to the Fire Museum . I had never been there before . The highlights of this particular museum are uniforms that you can try on as well as a cool 1938 GAZ - AA fire truck and a Ural motorcycle with sidecar that had been transformed into a fire vehicle . Sadly , the fun had to end , and Anne - Marie went back to Moscow on the train on Thursday night , while I began my work . On Friday morning , I went to work in the Archive of Modern History , or the former Communist Party Archive for Ulyanovsk . I had tried calling their phone number a few times so that I would not be showing up unannounced but no one answered . I went to the archive and saw the security guard inside and said that I had called and was trying to find out about receiving permission to work there . He told me to wait a second , got up , opened a door , and shouted , " The American is here ! " From there I was introduced to the head of the reading room , who told me that the reading room was closed on Fridays and Mondays , but that I was welcome to work in them on those days anyway . She then introduced me to the director of the archive , with whom I chatted for a few minutes . She asked me about my topic and RGGU , because she graduated from the archive and history department there . In the reading room , the worker showed me a series of helpful books . She also give me a complete electronic folder of documents and photos about one particular street in the city , which was built by German POWs . The reading room itself was very comfortable , and it had plenty of outlets for computers . It also had really neat displays on the wall from the 1980s about representatives from Ulyanovsk going to various Communist Party Conferences in Moscow , such as the famed 20th Party Congress in which Khrushchev gave his " Secret Speech " that denounced Stalin and his cult . On Saturday morning , I woke up early and walked off to my friend Natasha 's apartment to get into a taxi to the bus station with her . We took a long distance marshrutka to Tolyatti , with Alex , who is the Fulbright ETA from the Ulyanovsk State University ( the Lehigh to the Lafayette of the Ulyanovsk State Technical University ) . I 've wanted to go to Tolyatti for a long time , and mentioned it to Natasha when she told me that she was going there to visit her boyfriend , who is from there . She said that it could easily be arranged for us to travel there . My interest in Tolyatti is that it is the location of AvtoVAZ , the Russian car company that makes the Lada . It was built in the late 1960s with the help of the Italians and the Fiat Corporation . The infamous Lada Zhiguli is really a modified Fiat 124 . We rode in the marshrutka quite comfortably . We got out for a quick stop when we got to Dmitrovgrad , the second largest city in the Ulyanovsk Oblast . We took a photo together there and almost got run over in the process . After more hours of riding , and passing some Kolkhozy and Sovkhozy , we got to Tolyatti , where Natasha 's boyfriend Sasha met us with his car . He took us to the main overlook of the Volga river and told us that Tolyatti was originally called Stavropol - Na - Volge , of Stavropol on the Volga . Two important things happened to the city in recent times . The first was the construction of the Kuybyshev Dam and Reservoir in the 1950s . This caused the city to be completed moved . The reservoir ended up flooding the old city completely . Thus , Tolyatti is a completely new and Soviet city . Sasha said that when the water level is really low , you can walk along the banks of the Volga and find remnants of the old buildings or grave stones from the cemetery . The other major change to the city was the construction of AvtoVAZ in 1964 . Due to the project , the city was renamed Tolyatti in honor of Palmiro Togliatti , who was the leader of the Italian Communist Party from the late 1920s until his death in 1964 . From the visa on the Volga , we headed in the city to grab some shawarma at the best stand there . Then , we took a drive along the massive AvtoVAZ factory before going to the museum . Sadly , we couldn 't go on a tour of the factory because they didn 't allow foreigners in . The museum for the factory was pretty cool , though . And part of the museum with the concept cars was basically on an extension of the factory floor . You could hear them assembling stuff on the other side of the wall . After the AvtoVAZ museum , we went to a giant military museum and wandered around fields of tanks , troops carriers , trucks , and missile launchers . They even have a submarine on display , which was sadly closed on the day we were there . There is also a second area at the museum that has a number of military and civilian trains , including one from America . It was pretty cool to climb around on an armored military train . Yet again , I was living out some of my Goldeneye fantasies . From the military museum , we picked up Sasha 's best friend and went to a Serbian burger restaurant that 's a chain in Tolyatti . Then , we went to a shooting range . Sasha has a shotgun , and we shot clay targets . It was the first time that I 've been clay shooting . I 'm pretty decent at hitting standing targets , but it is a bit of a challenge to hit moving targets . After shooting , we rode back to Ulyanovsk in Sasha 's car . I spent most of my second week in Ulyanovsk catching up with friends , people at the Politech , and working on my research . On Monday , I got up and headed to the archive . The woman who works in the reading room was clearly bored , so she had looked through all of the folders I had requested and had marked off which pages talked about the POWs . She also handed me a few other files about the construction of the automotive factory , which she thought might have some things of use for me . She was indeed correct . For some reason , fate is always kind to me in Ulyanovsk . When I was in the reading room , a man overheard me talking with the reading room attendant . He asked if he had correctly heard that I 'm researching German POWs . I said that was indeed the topic of my research and he introduced himself . He 's a former journalist , who now writes local histories . Many of his books are based on recollections of older citizens from the city . During the lunch break , he took me to a historical institute in the city , which houses his personal collection of files . He had a complete folder just on the monument to the dead German POWs that is in the cemetery in the north of Ulyanovsk . I was ecstatic . I knew about the monument and researching it was one of the goals of my trip . It was like divine intervention . The folder had news clippings that covered the contest to create the design of the monument as well as information about opening ceremonies . I also had a productive meeting with the former head of the UAZ Museum , who gave me a number of articles about when some POWs took a trip back to Ulyanovsk again in 1994 . She also helped me set up a meeting at the 33rd Gymnasium , where I met with current and former students and a history teacher there . The teacher invited me to tea with the students , and two former students gave a presentation on their research . They had spent 3 years working on a project on German POWs in Ulyanovsk as their major course work for high school . I had read a cropped version of their report in a publication from an Ulyanovsk history conference . Having enjoyed my trip to the aviation museum , I contacted the director and asked if I could come with the new Fulbrighter for a tour with him . He gladly accepted , so I went to the museum again last Sunday with Katie , Ira , and two new acquaintances from South Africa . We all wandered around the planes like children and had a blast . As we were with the director , we got to go into two planes that are usually off limits in addition to the Tu - 124 and the Tu - 144 . We got to tour the Tu - 104 , which was specially outfitted to ferry Soviet military officers . The seats were all fancy , and there was even a special bedroom cabin it in . We also got to enter the An - 14 , known as the " Little Bee . " On Tuesday night , I headed back to the train with a heavy heart . I hate leaving my adoptive Russian home . Ulyanovsk truly is my favorite Russian city . I 'll be trying to find a way to get back even for just a handful of days before flying back to America in July .
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Just before 8 : 30AM on Wednesday June 7th , I walked to the Khabarovsk train station to undertake the longest leg of my Trans - Siberian journey . I would be on the train for roughly 58 hours . For this jaunt , I was on train 007 - Vladivostok - Novosibirsk . While waiting at the platform , a 20 - ish student approached me and asked if he was in the right place for his train . He was French , spoke somewhat broken English , and zero Russian . He was indeed in the correct place , and it turns out that he had the bed above mine in the train . His name was William . He had some time off from university , and he decided to take the Trans - Siberian and make some stops along the way . His grandfather had done it the year before , so that was one of his motivations to take the trip . We would be together on the train for 50 hours , until he got off at Ulan - Ude , a stop that I wanted to make but didn 't have time for as my trip was already 16 days long . As we got to our area , we met out other traveling companions . The person with the lower berth across from me was a 70 year man named Boris . He was traveling from his home of Khabarovsk to Ulan - Ude to visit some relatives . When William and I got to our spots in the train , Boris was sitting with his wife . They both sighed in relief when they found out that I spoke Russian . Boris 's wife was not going with him , though , she was just saying goodbye to him . In Russian trains , it 's common for people seeing you off to walk into the train and help you get your things settled at longer stops . The conductors allow this , and a few minutes prior to departure , the conductors walk through the carriage telling those accompanying passengers to leave the train . Boris was quite the character , and he made sure my time passed quickly on the train . Above Boris was Ulugbek from Kyrgyzstan . He had been in Korea ( which Korea was slightly unclear ) on a work contract . Ulugbek was an engineer who works in hydroelectric stations . He was riding on the train from Vladivostok to Krasnoyarsk . I was worried because we got onto the train already 13 hours into its journey , and Ulugbek had an unrefrigerated rotisserie chicken that he proceeded to eat over the next two days . He was also very friendly and pleasant company . Along the window there was a 20 - ish girl who was a student at Far Eastern Federal University , who was riding back home for the summer . I forget where exactly she got off , but it was towards the evening of the first day . She had to switch trains to ride to some smaller city called Tynda . She was asleep most the day that we were with her , and she didn 't say anything to us , though she did tell Boris she was a student and going to Tynda . The train itself was pretty nice . It was the newest style of older carriages . The bottom bunks had padding for your back when you were seated , and I had the coveted spot in the carriage that had an outlet . In the older trains , not every spot has an outlet . Usually the second series of berths on each side have one outlet . Then , there is usually an outlet by the toilets at either end . I didn 't have to worry because I could change my phone whenever I wanted , but others in the carriage took turns standing by the toilets and watching their phones . Others just decided to chance leaving their phones by the toilets . On our longer train , we had police officers patrolling the carriages , and at times they would ask whose phone was being charged as a reminder to look after ones belongings . The carriage we were in didn 't have air - conditioning , or if it did , it was broken . Thankfully , our window opened . And , unlike the older trains , these newer carriages have LED displays at both ends of the carriage that display the Moscow time , the temperature in the train , and whether or not the toilet is free . Although my ride to Irkutsk was long , it wasn 't bad . I alternated my time in the train talking to my companions and reading . The train also makes a few longer stops each day , and in the Russian Far East , villagers have created their own small businesses around the train schedule . They know when the long - haul trains make stops and line up near the station to sell provisions . In Belogorsk , for example , I managed to buy a hardboiled egg , some potato vareniki , and a local fish called harius . I opted to go for hot smoked , which leaves the flesh pliable and soft as opposed to cold smoked , which dries out the fish and almost turns it into jerky . The meal was scrumptious . While at the stop , a man selling fish looked at me and turned to the woman with the eggs and vareniki and said in Russian , " Do you speak English ? You better . " I responded that I speak Russian , and they were happy . I then had a discussion about the differences in fish smoking techniques . I also had to help William buy food as he couldn 't communicate with the people at all . After we ate our food , I watched in horror as Ulugbek added a large quantity of unrefrigerated mayonnaise to his bowl of ramen . The standard train foods for these journeys are sunflower seeds , a Russian pastime , and either instant noodles or potatoes . Every Russian train carriage has a water boiler for tea and food . Most of my entertainment from the train ride came from talking with Boris over the first two days . I spoke a little with William , but his English was bad , which limited our conversations . Boris was a bit of a provocateur , and was full of lots of interesting information about Russia . He constantly spoke in a weird slang , and refused to ever use common words to explain himself . He asked me if I heard about what to say if someone asks if you want a brick in Vladivostok . Apparently , this is a petty form of extortion . The person being asked is to respond , " how much ? " and then pay said amount , otherwise they will be beaten and robbed . Apparently , there are lots of similar tactics on Russian roads in the Far East . Often , people will just sit on the side of the road and say they don 't have gas , or will try to sell you gas . Sometimes , they 'll leave something on the road for you to stop and grab . In all of these situations , I was told to never stop . However , if stopped , it 's always best to pay what amounts to the bribe . Finally , when traveling on Russian roads , it 's good to have a weapon in your car trunk . Boris was once stopped by a group . One guy talked to him while another searched his trunk . They both left him alone after the one who opened the trunk found a large machete . This also partially explains the wooden mace that the government chauffeur in Ulyanovsk had in his car trunk . Between teaching me about how to survive in Siberia , Boris spent time provoking me and those around us in the train . We discussed Russian history at one point . He was angry that I didn 't know a word or two about tributes during the Mongol conquest of Russia . I said that my specialty was Soviet history . He said that it wasn 't an excuse , that instead my program was probably weak or that I was lazy . I responded that I don 't have time to read about early Russian history in depth because I have to spend my time reading about the Soviet Union and other history . This then caused Boris to launch into a lecture about how I have time because I do not work on a kolkhoz , a form of village based Soviet collective farm . Had I lived in a kolkhoz , he said , I would truly not have time . I would have to wake at 5 : 00AM to feed the chickens and milk the cows , make breakfast , wake the children , " pat [ my ] husband on his head , " and send everyone off before doing my assigned labor task on the farm for the day . This then caused Boris to lecture about American women . He wanted to know why it was acceptable to go shopping in house clothes or sweat pants . In his mind , women need to dress up to buy groceries or run simple errands . In his eyes , a woman should always be made up and strive her best to visually please the men around her . That was a fun conversation , and one of many of different cultural views about the gender roles and marriage ages in America versus Russia along the train ride . At one point , when William and I were speaking in English , we caught the attention of two young girls in the train . One asked what we were speaking , and was surprised when I said English . She said she studied English , but refused to say anything to me from being shy . Eventually , she told her mother about us , and then her mother came to talk with us . Boris then began to provoke the mother and said that her daughter didn 't speak any English because she refused to say anything to me . Boris then proposed English lessons on the train . He said he was the director of the school and would get 70 % while I would get 30 % of the proceeds . When asked why the cut was so large , Boris cheekily responded , " because I 'm here getting you work , while you 're being lazy and just reading books . " He then said that lessons would begin promptly at 8 : 00AM the next morning . I groaned about the early hours , and he laughed . Although Boris liked to poke fun at people or stir up trouble , he was truly a nice man . One night , he noticed that I had gotten cold while sleeping and got a blanket for me . Boris was also immensely entertaining because he somewhat befriended the lady who walks through the train selling food and drinks . He offered all of us , plus her , some food and drink . She accepted the offer , and would sit down with us when she passed us by . She affectionately called him " ded , " basically , " gramps . " One of the interesting experiences on the train was with the police . They extensively patrol the trains in the Far East . At times they were doing document checks , but they never asked us for our documents . I have rarely seen the police on trains in Russia . I have only on one occasion seen them on one of the trains between Moscow and Ulyanovsk , and they asked for my documents then . I remember being confused , and the older woman in the kupe with me said that it was nothing to worry about and normal . They did a little more on this train , though . On the second full day on the train , we stopped at a small place called Mogocha . About fifteen minutes after leaving the station , the police walked through our carriage with a man in handcuffs . There was one cop in the lead and there were two behind . The second cop had his hand on the back of the man 's neck / head , forcing it down . The man 's hands were tightly cuffed behind his back , and he was bent over and walking in a stress position . The third cop was carrying the man 's bag . Boris said that he had never seen that before in all of his years riding the train . He seemed to think that the man had tried to ride on the train without a ticket , but from a conversation I had just before getting off the train in Irkutsk , it seems that the man might have been belligerently drunk . He was hauled off of the train when we stopped in Chernyshevsk . Also on this day , as we rolled through some middle of nowhere part of Siberia , it began to snow . I had not expected to see snow that south in Siberia in June . It was crazy . On the second day , the girl had gotten off of the train , and no one new joined our area . This meant that we could sit at the two smaller window seats when we pleased . At one of these periods , William 's passport fell out of his pocket , which caused me to have a discussion with Boris about Russian passports versus American or European ones . Russians have two kinds of passports , internal and external . The external passport is just like ours and is used for leaving the country . The internal passport serves the function in Russia that our driver 's licenses do , basically , and then some . They include information about birth and age . They also include where the person is registered to live , marital status , and information about children . While talking to Boris , a man in the next berth over noticed that I was foreign and began to speak with me . Andrei was a sailor who works on large freight ships . He was traveling from just outside of Vladivostok , Nakhodka , to see his children in Irkutsk , where he had grown up . Andrei was very friendly and went on long rants about the divisions within Russia between Moscow and Siberia . In his opinion , Moscow steals everything from Siberia and gives nothing back . Boris at one point was jealous that Andrei was taking over as the one to tell me tales about Russia and told Andrei that I probably didn 't understand what he was saying . What Boris didn 't know was that I understood Andrei 's slang better than has because Andrei used simpler words and words that I was familiar with . In the morning of the second day , when we made our " breakfast " stop , Boris told me to buy something called " сера " ( sera ) , which is a Siberian gum . It 's made from tree sap / rubber . It tastes like chewing a mixture of a pinecone and a rubber band . I can 't say I super loved it , but it did make my mouth feel cleaner around sporadic trips to the somewhat gross toilet to brush my teeth . You buy sera by the stick . I got one . Others bought bushels of them . Apparently , it 's only common to buy in the Far East . As the train carried on across Siberia , I alternated between reading and staring out of the window . I had heard someone describe the Trans - Siberian as " the greatest Russian novel ever written . " I 'm not sure where I heard this , but I agree . It was easy to spend hours just looking out of the window , watching the scenery change . You would fall asleep and wake up in what looked like a completely different country as the geography and vegetation would change drastically . The temperature also fluctuated between hot , comfortable , and downright cold . At one point , the provodnitsa walked through the car and asked if we were cold and if they should turn the heat on . They were taking a poll of the passengers and their comfort level . I said I was fine and just put on a warm shirt . Thankfully , they didn 't turn the heat on . The villages that came and went along the rail lines were fascinating to look at . Although some of them looked a little rough , none of them looked totally rundown . There is clearly poverty in Russian villages , but they don 't look like war zones like some of the places I 've seen in ex - Soviet republics . I now really want to find a way to spend at least a day or two in an actual Russian village . Another interesting part of riding through the Siberian wilderness was looking at the cars . The number of vehicles in the villages was pretty small , but almost every settlement had either an UAZ Bukhanka , UAZ 469 , or a Lada Niva . Ulyanovsk pride for Siberia ! On the whole , cars in Siberia were interesting to observe . Most of the cars in Vladivostok were right - hand drive , brought in from Japan . As you ride across back towards Moscow , the percentage of right - hand drive cars shifted from about 90 % to 40 % . I suppose the Urals are the dividing line for this trend . In European Russia , it 's possible to find a right - hand drive , Japanese import car , but it 's rare . After Boris and William got off in Ulan Ude , I spoke with Andrei quite a lot on the leg from Ulan Ude to Irkutsk , an additional 8 hours on the train . This was the best part of the trip because we spent most of it riding along Lake Baikal , and the view was mesmerizing . Andrei gave me tips for what to see or do in Irkutsk and told me the history of the area and the Angara River . He also gave me his phone number and said that he would be glad to show me around the Vladivostok area should I wind up there again . Just about two hours before Irkutsk , the train made a stop in a place called Slyudyanka , and a man of about thirty got on and took what had been Boris 's space . He was nice and well prepared for the long train ride . He had brought a combination strip outlet / extension chord with him to power his laptop . He offered some of his snacks , and asked if I wanted to watch a movie . I declined as I was getting off of the train soon and had to gather my things . At that point , another guy came into the area and asked Andrei where the foreigner was . He said that he was in another car with a French guy , " from Brussels . " I told him that Brussels was in Belgium . He said , " Whatever . He speaks French and English . I don 't speak much English . Please come and translate for him and two other foreigners . " The new guy next to me asked why I had to do that . The strange man said that the others around them in the carriage also didn 't speak English , and that most of the others around them were foreigners , like my neighbor , and spoke Russian with an accent . My new neighbor then got angry and said , " What do you mean foreigners like me and what accent ? " The guy responded that he was clearly from a different country . The neighbor responded that he was born and raised in Irkutsk , and that his family was from Dagestan , which is part of Russia . The weird guy again said whatever and ushered me off with him . We walked into the next carriage and I met the Belgian guy , who was named Arthur . He was talking with two Italians who were going home from an 11 month trip around the world . Both Arthur and the Italians were on the train for the sake of saying that they had done the Trans - Siberian . They were all riding from Vladivostok to Irkutsk , stopping in Irkutsk to see Baikal , and then going from Irkutsk straight to Moscow . I chatted briefly with them and then went back to gather my things . Andrei and my new neighbor wanted to know what was going on , and I said the strange guy was just drunk and that there was no need to go off and talk to the others . However , when I got off the train , I did end up sharing a taxi with Arthur , who must have been some sort of rich Belgian playboy or trust - fund guy . He talked about having spent the past three months in Asia . He also had an American Express Platinum card in his wallet . His hostel was near the one where I was staying , so I figured it would be ok to grab a cab with him . We took a Yandex taxi for under 100 rubles , which was funny because the taxi driver asking if we wanted a ride quoted 500 rubles for the same ride , and I just laughed in his face . Like the serialized stories of Dostoyevsky or Dickens , the next few posts will chronicle my trip on the Trans - Siberian Railroad . This year has been one of freedom and exploration for me . There have been a number of places within Russia and the former Soviet Union that I have wanted to see for a long time , and I 've taken advantage of my relative flexibility in this year to see them . One of the things that I 've wanted to do for a long time was to take the Trans - Siberian Railroad across Russia , and I am pleased to say that I recently returned from a two - week trip doing so . On Saturday the 3rd of June , I boarded a plane from Moscow to Vladivostok at Sheremetyevo Airport . I was tired of the constant cold and bad weather in Moscow , so I flew to Siberia , where it was sunny and warm aka actually summer . I 'm surprised to have had to go to Siberia for summer weather as well . We took off after an hour or so delay due to late aircraft arrival and then made our war arching north across the frozen northern reaches of the Russian Federation . It was a bit of a trip to see the permafrost from the plane . Without issue , we landed in Vladivostok , and I didn 't have to wait too long for my bag , a backpack lent to me by my friend Terry . I then walked through the terminal to a train that took me from the airport to the central railway terminal in Vladivostok . From there , it was about a ten minute walk to the hotel where I was staying . I was exhausted . It 's an 8 hour flight across Russia , and we left around 4 : 00PM Moscow time . As I wasn 't tired , I couldn 't really sleep on the flight and arrived at what felt like midnight my time , despite it being 7AM in Vladivostok . Russia has a lot of time zones , and Vladivostok is 7 hours ahead of Moscow , so I was 14 hours ahead of New York time for some perspective . I was able to go to my room early and collapse for a quick nap . I didn 't have much time to recover , because I was getting a tour of the center of the city from a friend of a friend 's brother . He met me in the lobby , and we set off the see the waterfront , a ship , a submarine museum , the WWII monument , the historic GUM shopping center , and the beach , among other things . After our walking tour , which lasted a few hours , I went back to my room and crashed for a few hours . Feeling better from some sleep , I walked around the center again and got some dinner and headed off to the famous Mumiy Troll ' bar . Mumiy Troll ' is a cool rock group from Vladivostok , and they opened a bar in their hometown . I was there a little early for the evening , but when I went in the place was dead . I was super disappointed in the bar , sadly . They had no Russian beer , so I had a Guiness . I then decided to have a White Russian . The bartender proceeded to then fill a glass with ice and a splash of vodka before pouring in a whole lot of cream . He had forgotten to add the Kahlua for a good two minutes . The next morning , I got up at had breakfast at a Soviet themed stolovaya . I then walked to the funicular to get to the view point of the city . Annoying , the funicular was closed for " technical reasons , " so I climbed up the whole hill to the view . Running somewhat out of time , I got back on a bus to the center of the city to grab some dinner and get some last minute provisions for the overnight train ride . When stopping at a café for a coffee , I thought there was a language barrier between the Russian staff and the Chinese tourists ahead of me in line . I heard the woman ask if they wanted something with milk or juice . I just assumed that there was something wrong with someone 's English ; however , I was super surprised when asked , in Russian , if I wanted my iced coffee with milk or juice . I can 't imagine why anyone would mix coffee with juice . I apparently could also only get an iced coffee with syrup in it , which I thought was strange . Apparently the staff doesn 't understand that they make more money off of me if I refused the sugar syrup . Unlike some , I wanted to use the train to get off and see some major cities along the way in Siberia instead of riding 7 straight days on the train . For the ride , I was going in third class , platskart , the whole way . I wanted to mingle with lots of Russians , and I somewhat accomplished this task . When I handed my ticket to the provodnitsa , the conductor , she asked if I spoke Russian and signed a huge sigh of relief when I said I do . " Thank God , " she said . Apparently , the Trans - Siberian is super popular for foreigners looking for adventures , most of whom who don 't speak any Russian . This strikes me as very strange , as Russia isn 't really a country that is great to travel to if you don 't speak the language . A few people speak English , but most of the people one would encounter on the train don 't , and speaking with the real Russians is part of the appeal of the journey . The first night in the train , from Vladivostok to Khabarovsk , my immediate section of six spaces was full . It was myself , a father and his young son , two Czech guys , and a Russian student from Far Eastern Federal University , who was a cheerleader heading home for summer break . The Czech guys started to talk to me and we had a good conversation with Zhenya , the student , for a while . The Czech guys were drinking a lot , which is forbidden on the trains except in the dining car , and eventually attracted the attentions of a random Russian guy from somewhere else in the car . He came up and insisted on speaking to us in broken English , which the Czech guys couldn 't understand at all . The Russian guy , Sasha , just wanted to mingle with some foreigners , which the Czechs didn 't understand . They didn 't know what a rarity it is for Russians to interact with foreigners , especially in the Russian Far East . One Czech guy forgot that he told Sasha that they were form the Czech Republic , and the second guy got spooked when Sasha said something about the Czech Republic . The second guy then got paranoid . He thought that I knew Sasha and turned aggressive and yelled at Sasha to leave . He then said to me , " we don 't want any trouble , " as if I had some connection with Sasha and we were trying to pull some sort of scam . It was weird . In the morning , they basically didn 't say anything to me as we got off the train in Khabarovsk . In Khabarovsk , I got off the train and walked the fifteen or so minutes to my hotel . The woman who checked me in was super nice and gave me a ticket for breakfast that day . It was a decent place to stay , but was super Soviet in that there was a lady on the floor , with whom I had to leave my key when I wasn 't in my room . After showering , changing , and having breakfast , I set out for a whirlwind day in Khabarovsk . I walked down the main road and through a Chinese Market ( clearly all of the items were 100 % legitimate Adidas and Armani products , no counterfeit items at all ) to eventually make it to the riverfront on the Amur River , which serves as the border between Russia and China . In Khabarovsk , I was only a few kilometers from China . From the river , I tried to go to the military museum , which was closed for no reason . The door was open and I walked in to buy a ticket , however the woman at the desk said it was closed and wouldn 't explain why . Instead , I walked across the street and spent some time in the Regional Museum , which was pretty cool . They had a large series of fish tanks with some of the famous Russian fish such as the sturgeon . They also had a lot of stuffed animals eating other stuffed animals . After the Regional Museum , I walked off to see the local history museum . A bored docent was pleased that I spoke Russian and gave me an impromptu tour of the first floor of the museum . After my unofficial , but informative , tour , I walked to a nearby shopping center . The food court had a Mexican restaurant run by an American . I was able to get a real burrito for the first time since Murmansk , and the hot sauce was indeed actually spicy . Eventually , after more walking , I wound up at a different mall food court near the hotel where I got an excellent dinner of Korean food . I then walked to the store to load up on provisions for my next train leg , almost 58 hours between Khabarovsk and Irkutsk . All in all , I walked a total of 14 . 4 miles in Khabarovsk . I crashed hard that night , and got up and had breakfast before walking to the train , which left around 8 : 00AM . The long train journey and my adventures in Irkutsk and Lake Baikal will be chronicled in another post . Last Saturday , I flew off to Baku , the capital of Azerbaijan , another ex - Soviet country in the Caucasus . I had not planned to go there at all , but a fellow grad student invited me to visit . Rebecca and I had shared an apartment at a University of Illinois summer research session . Rebecca saw that I had been in Armenia and invited me to Azerbaijan . Curious , I checked the visa requirements and saw that they had just changed as of January for American citizens . There is now a fast , electronic visa that is ordered online for a total cost of about $ 25 . 00 . I applied for my visa late on a Thursday night and got the visa via email around noon the next day . The flight to Baku was uneventful . The only news to report is that I 've been flying frequently enough that I 'm repeating Aeroflot planes . I was on a Boeing 737 in the name of Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn , which was the same plane that I flew to Yerevan on . One thing of note did happen on the flight , which was a slightly different safety demonstration . As a good chunk of the flight crosses the Caspian Sea , the flight crew had to break out the lifejackets to demonstrate how to wear and use them in the event of a water landing . Sadly , the lifejackets do not have winged hammer and sickles on them . Flying into Baku over the Caspian was a real treat . We landed slightly late as there was some sort of medical incident with a passenger while we boarded , but it was all ok in the end . I passed customs without any problems , though the guy did stamp my passport right next to the Armenia stamp . Thankfully , he didn 't ask me anything about my trip to Armenia . After crossing customs , I was met outside the airport by Rebecca and we hopped in a cab to her apartment in the center of the city . Interestingly , a lot of the cabs in Baku are the same ones as the London taxis , though they are left - hand drive . Thankfully , Azerbaijan carries in the car traditions of the other Caucasian republics . There were a lot of 1990s Mercedes on the roads , especially W201s , W202s , and W210s . We popped into Rebecca 's apartment to drop off my stuff . We then walked to one of the main pedestrian areas of Baku , Fountain Square , to see the fountains and meander our way towards the waterfront park . Along the way , we kept running into barriers that are being erected for the Baku Formula 1 Grand Prix , which will be taking place in a few months . I didn 't realize that Baku hosted F1 events . Similar to the Monaco Grand Prix , the race takes place on the actual roads of the city and not at a race track . Apparently , there are special paving materials that they can put down to cover some of the cobblestone roads , which can easily be removed after the race to restore the charm of the old city streets . The waterfront is spectacular , and immediately highlights Baku 's claim to fame . Baku is a major site of oil production . Many American and European fortunes were made there prior to the Bolshevik takeover in the early 1920s , and around the turn of the century , Baku produced about half of the world 's oil . It was particularly interesting to travel to Baku immediately after Volgograd . When Hitler invaded the Soviet Union on June 22 , 1941 , Operation Barbarossa was a three pronged attack . One group of soldiers worked north with the goal of Leningrad , one more to the middle towards Moscow , and a third group down to Stalingrad ( Volgograd ) . Stalingrad was to be a double target for both propaganda and tactical reasons . One major goal was to conquer the city named in honor of the Soviet leader ( one reason why Stalin ordered the Red Army not one step backward ) . The other major reason was that Stalingrad was a major port city on the Volga River , which would allow access down to the Caspian and to Baku and its oil reserves . And what an oil city Baku is . The coastline smelled of crude oil , which is extracted both from the grounds of the city and from offshore rigs . There was even some oil floating on the water of the Caspian . From the waterfront , we walked over to the Funicular , and rode that to the hill overlooking Baku ( Soviet city planning at its best , having a funicular or gondola to a hill overlooking the city , which has an imposing TV tower on it ) . While riding up , it started to rain heavily , which is very rare for Baku . There was even some thunder and lightning . We stood under cover for a while before venturing out into the rain . We walked along a series of graves for people considered to be Azerbaijani martyrs . They died in the tensions and clashes between Armenia and Azerbaijan and between Azerbaijan and the Soviets during the end of the Soviet Union . At this hilltop park , there is a great overview of the whole city and the Caspian . We also walked near the base of the Flame Towers , the architectural symbols of Baku . There was no easy way to cross the road to the base of the Flame Towers , so we gave up and walked down the hill and back to the center to get dinner . We had some decent Mexican food before calling it a night . The next morning , we got up and walked to the Old City , which is as the name suggests , the old part of the city . The narrow , winding roads and architecture made it feel like we were in another world . While there , we climbed the Maiden Tower , and then wandered around the Palace of the Shirvanshahs museum . The old architecture was fascinating . We then walked back to the Fountain Square area for lunch before taking yet another adventure . We hopped on a regular bus and rode about 30 minutes out of the center to see a beach and the oil fields . I was excited to go see the fields because it 's where they filmed the 1999 Pierce Brosnan James Bond film " The World is Not Enough . " Immediately after the main city limits , there are fields of oil derricks pumping away , and it was pretty interesting to see them still working . They were apparently built in the 1930s and continue to pump to this day . Getting to the derricks and the offshore platform was easier said than done . We got off of the bus at the correct stop , but there was no way to cross the road . We walked in one direction and didn 't see a place to cross , so we walked in the other direction only to see an unending stretch of road . As we didn 't want to run across a few lanes of highway speed traffic , we got into a cab that was parked on the side of the road and had him loop us around a roundabout and drop us off at the beach by the offshore platform . Apparently , the first offshore oil platform was built in Baku . We saw some people fishing in the Caspian and some swimming . Rebecca put a foot in , and I waded in the waters a little bit . Perhaps it wasn 't the best idea as when I came out , there was definitely some oil residue on my feet . We took the bus back to the center , grabbed some caffeine to recharge , and hopped on the metro to a different part of town to check out the Heydar Aliyev Center . Heydar Aliyev was a Soviet leader of Azerbaijan , and its second president after the Soviet collapse . His son is the current president of the country . The Baku metro is an older Soviet metro that was opened in the late 1960s . I would have taken photos , but it 's forbidden to do so . The trains are the standard 1970s design of rolling stock that operates in Moscow , St . Petersburg , Tbilisi , and Yerevan . Like the other Caucasian republics , the Baku Metro cars are renovated and repainted in colors different from the standard Russian blue and white exteriors and plain interiors . The stations themselves were a hybrid of Soviet metro design . They were smaller stations , generally of the caterpillar design favored in the 1950s - 1970s , but mixed in elaborate mosaics like those of earlier Moscow Metro stops . Inside , the trains made the station announcements in Azerbaijani and English . A nice touch unique to the Baku Metro is that the noise that plays before a stop is different for each station . Each station has its own snippet of famous Azerbaijani music assigned to it . Like the Moscow Metro , police presence in the stations was high , and unlike the Moscow metro , each of the train cars had tens of cameras operating in them . The Heydar Aliyev Center is a joint museum and concert hall space . We saw some interesting exhibits about the culture of Azerbaijan , the history of the Aliyev family , and a showcase of miniatures of the architectural highlights of the city . My favorite exhibit was a collection of three cars that had been used by Heydar Aliyev in his capacity as a leader of Azerbaijan . There was a Soviet ZIL limousine as well as two armored Mercedes W140 S - 600s , once of which was a stretch Pullman . The next morning , Rebecca had to go off to her Azerbaijani classes and the archive , so I amused myself until she was free . I first went to the Fountain Square area to find some postcards , and then headed off to the post office to get some stamps . The Azerbaijani post office was nice . There was a kiosk to determine what kind of service you needed , which printed out a number . My number was immediately called to a desk , and the woman there sold me stamps , which I was then told to glue onto the postcards . She then stamped them and told me to put them in the box on the street , which I did . After the post office , I strolled the streets and enjoyed the weather before getting some döner for lunch . Azerbaijan is very influenced by Turkish culture and history . Many of the foods are shared , and Azerbaijani itself is basically a dialect of Turkish . The döner hit the spot , and then I went along the waterfront to the carpet museum . Besides oil and caviar , the other main product of Azerbaijan is carpets . The museum is even in the shape of a carpet . Inside , there are all sorts of different carpets from Azerbaijan , and cool information on how all the different rugs are woven . There are even a few weaving stations set up in the museum , and I watched a woman making a carpet for a while . I don 't know how they do it . It seemed extraordinarily complicated , and I would find myself lost and frustrated very easily . From the carpet museum , I strolled back to the apartment and rested for a while as I had been walking a lot , and we had big plans for Monday night . The first plan was to meet with another former Fulbright ETA , who happened to be passing through Baku on a trip in the Caucasus with her friend . In the evening , we met up near the American Embassy and walked off to find dinner . The guards at the Embassy , rightly , were a little uneasy about Rebecca and I standing around and looking for two other people , but they quickly left us alone when they saw we were Americans and were meeting other Americans . We ended up walking to a restaurant near Rebecca 's apartment that specialized in meat . After dinner , we walked towards the Metro and split ways . Rebecca had gotten us tickets to see the closing ceremonies for the Islamic Solidarity Games , which is like the Olympics for nations with large Islamic populations . Azerbaijan is technically a Muslim country , but they are very secular . Azeris eat pork and drink , but there are definitely very divided gendered norms in the country and some more conservative values . For example , women rarely drink or smoke in public , and Azeri men can been very forward or harassing towards women , especially foreigners . To get to the closing ceremonies , we had to walk a long distance from the closest metro stop along areas flooded with police . We then went through security tighter than at airports with metal detectors and pat downs . We finally entered the stadium to catch athletes parading , speeches from the Vice President of Azerbaijan , who is also the wife of the President , and the head of the games committee . After the speeches , there was a concert of a number of Azerbaijani pop artists . Each artist was given two songs , and they seemed to grow in popularity . We saw three women , and left during the second guy we saw . Of the five acts , only one was actually good . One guy seemed to be an Azerbaijani Pitbull . He rapped and had the same outfits and swagger as Pitbull . Tired from the day , we left the stadium while the songs were still ongoing , and went home near 11 : 00PM . The final morning , we slept in and then met up with Rikki and her friend for brunch at a Turkish café before seeing the waterfront a last time . To clarify my earlier point about Azerbaijani being a dialect of Turkish , Rikki spoke to the staff at the restaurant solely in Turkish . They understood her , but she had some difficulties understanding the responses in Azerbaijani . Rebecca mostly gets by in Azerbaijani , and when that fails , speaks English to people in the service industry . Like most ex - Soviet republics , I was able to get around in English or Russian depending on the generation of the people I was speaking to . There was still a good amount of Russian being spoken on the streets amongst the local population , and Rebecca said they often mix both Russian and Azerbaijani in every sentence . After lunch , I grabbed the tings from the apartment and got a taxi back to the airport . I went up to the first taxi in the line , which was a 1995 Mercedes W202 C - Class . The driver spoke Russian and we agreed on the price . As we rode to the airport , he told me about his car and then asked how long I had been in the city , what I had seen , etc . He said that Baku is okay , but that the best parts of Azerbaijan are out in the mountains . He told me that I should come back and find him at the same taxi rank by the hotel , where he always waits . He said we can have him drive us around the country . At the airport , I had no problems checking in for my flight or passing through customs . My flight back , though , was somewhat unpleasant . I had an empty seat next to me , and the aisle was occupied by a 60 - ish Azeri man . He was clearly bored on the flight and at one point started to talk to me while my headphones were out around when I was getting something to drink . He said he was an actor at the Azerbaijan State Academic Drama Theatre . He then proceeded to show me photos of his roles over the years on his phone . He said he was traveling to Chelyabinsk for his friend 's birthday party and invited me to go there with him and to vacation with him in Altai later in the summer . When it was time to get off of the plane , he grabbed my backpack and carried it for me . He wouldn 't let me grab my own bag . While waiting to cross customs , he insisted on giving me his name and phone number . When I went to the immigration window , he blew a kiss at me and told me to call him . I handed my documents to the official and didn 't look back . I then ran away as fast as possible after being handed my documents . He also told me some really weird stories on the plane . He said he liked the sportsman who became a present . I looked confused and he responded , " the one who met Gorbachev ? " " You mean Reagan ? " I asked . " He was an actor . " " Yes , him . " He then asked if I knew who killed JFK . I said ostensibly Lee Harvey Oswald . He response was that it was LBJ , because he wanted to become president . He then ranted about Marilyn Monroe , who was killed - it was made to look like a drug overdose - because of the secrets she knew from dating JFK . For these secrets , she had a secret meeting with Nikita Khrushchev . Khrushchev was on a boat , and Monroe entered the boat from below the waterline . There , she traded the secrets for Khrushchev 's weight in gold . It was a surreal experience . On Friday , I flew off on an adventure with some friends to see the city of Volgograd , which was known as Stalingrad during part of Soviet history . I have wanted to go there for a long time , especially since my cousin gave me a handmade , scale model of the famous Motherland Calls statue as a college graduation present . Studying German prisoners of war , I figured it was especially important that I go see the location of the bloodiest battle in history . It was at the Battle of Stalingrad that the course of the Second World War changed in the Eastern Front . It was a major victory for the Red Army , and it was the first one in which they took massive quantities of POWs . On Friday afternoon , I headed off with Gustav and Linda from the dorms to meet Erin at Belorussky Train Station . From there , we took the Aeroexpress train to Sheremetyevo together . We easily and quickly printed our boarding passes and made it through security . Feeling peckish , we went to a Shokoladnitsa in the airport and got some food . The service was less than stellar . The table was dirty , and I had to ask the waiter twice to clean it . He still didn 't clean it , and only did so after we tried to flag down different waitresses in vain . When he did finally come to clean it , he left a giant pile of crumbs in front of me , and the others joked that it looked like he was going to push them onto my lap . After eating , we walked to our gate . Boarding was annoyingly delayed without any announcement as to why or for how long . Eventually , we boarded the plane and pushed back from the gate mostly on time . The flight was relatively pleasant and only lasted about one hour and twenty minutes . Linda was dozing off at one point and tried to refuse the snack , but the flight attendants woke her and insisted that she take her fish sandwich . None of my traveling partners were enthused about the meal , though Gustav thought about taking Linda 's spare sandwich as an additional snack depending on his hunger later . Volgograd is going to be a host city for the 2018 FIFA World Cup and it 's quite clear that a lot of infrastructural development in underway . When we landed , we taxied to a far part of the airport , surrounded by gravel access roads . We walked off of the plane and boarded a bus to the terminal . While we waited to depart , I asked one of the lovely Italians back in Moscow to sign me up for laundry on Monday night . I was barred from doing so on Thursday and the sheet would only be available after 6 : 00PM on Friday . Surrounded by a number of UAZ bukhanki , we rode down to the terminal . We exited at the old , Soviet Terminal A , but it looks like the brand new Terminal C is almost complete . They are in the process of paving new taxi ways and aprons towards the terminals . We then went into the baggage claim area , which like the Murmansk airport , only had a single toilet that we took turns waiting for . Exiting the terminal , I called a Yandex Taxi to take us to our hostel . We got to the car with a quoted price of about 350 rubles . The driver then spoke to me and asked me to cancel the ride so that he wouldn 't have to deal with the commission to Yandex , and then wanted 400 rubles from our group . Without many other options and not wanting to fight over $ 1 . 00 , we quickly agreed to get in and ride off . He then took us across the city to the hostel and pointed a few things out along the way . At one point , he caught me looking off at a walled building with barbed wire in the distance . " Это зона , " he said ( " It 's a prison " - literally , a zone ) . He then said that there were dachas next to it and that " it 's Russia . " He told us what we had to see in the city over the next few days . He also pointed out the jail when we drove past and laughed . I asked him if he knew anything about the POWs in the city and their role in reconstruction , and he said that they rebuilt the whole city , so I knew my research was off to a good start . Eventually , we arrived at the very center of the city and where we had booked a room . Through Booking . com , we found a hostel called Hostel Like at Home . We had managed to get a room for four people in it . When we arrived , we were slightly confused because the address was an apartment in a building . I typed the number in the domophone and asked if it was the hostel , and they said that we had booked a room with them . They opened the front door of the building , told us to go up to the fourth floor , and greeted us at the apartment door . It was indeed a converted apartment of a formerly elite caliber . The apartment had four rooms , a kitchen , and a toilet and shower . Our room had a large bed , a sofa bed , and a bunk bed in it . The hosts , husband and wife Nikolai and Lilia , were very friendly and made us immediately feel at home . We set our things down , and they gave us some maps of the city and recommendations for dinner . We walked out onto the street and at the bottom of our building was a very nice Georgian restaurant , where we decided to have dinner . The weather was a balmby 60 or so degrees , and after the snow of Moscow , it felt delightful . Indeed , on the 12th , I was walking to get lunch at the cafeteria in one archive . To do so , I have to cross an interior courtyard . It was snowing when I went to get lunch . Our waiter at the restaurant was fantastic and friendly , a nice change from the anger of the waiter at the airport café . We were also pleasantly surprised that there was the option to order khakhapuri with two eggs instead of the standard one for ten rubles more . After dinner , we walked back to the room with a stop to buy some water along the way . We then tried to figure out about bedding for the sofa bed , which Nikolai searched for and later gave us . With the bed pulled out , it was a tight squeeze in the room , but we each had a bed and it was fine . We slept in a bit on Saturday and woke up to find breakfast waiting for us . There was cereal , yogurt , tea , coffee , bread , and butter . While eating , we befriended a Dutch backpacker who had been traveling around Russia by train . He was leaving Volgograd that day , but he gave us a few tips for what to see in the city . We eventually got our acts together and headed out to see the city . Our apartment truly was in the center . We were near Lenina ( generally the main road in any ex - Russian city that hasn 't been heavily renamed ) , the water , and the central eternal flame . When we walked to the eternal flame , we noticed a bunch of high school children who were performing an honor guard near it . They even did a changing of the guard with a slow march . From there , we popped down to see the riverbank . We saw a cool clock counting down to the opening of the World Cup , and got mobbed by Russian school children out on excursions . We walked along the waterfront to the Stalingrad Battle panorama museum . Parked outside was a neat T - 34 tank , which we took turns climbing . We then spent a few hours walking through the museum . It had a bunch of cool artifacts from the war , such as legendary Vasily Zaitsev 's Mosin - Nagant sniper rifle . Sadly , there wasn 't anything in the museum for me about POWs . Outside the museum , we walked around the samples of military technology and looked at the ruins of an old mill , which are preserved to show what the battle did to the buildings in the town . After the museum , we headed off to find some lunch , which we did at a wok and sushi place , which wasn 't too bad . From there , we walked the last mile and a half along Lenina to Mamaev Kurgan , the park for the Motherland Calls statue . From the bottom , we walked up a series of steps that said " To Our Soviet Motherland - USSR ! " Past more statues and reflecting ponds , we found the entrance to a building that housed an eternal flame and honor guard . On the façade of this building was a series of reliefs depicting Lenin , Red Army soldiers , and to my surprise , German POWs being taken captive . I couldn 't believe that . We watched from inside and then left when we thought it was done . We then went outside to head our way up the memorial complex , but turned when we heard footsteps getting louder . The soldiers march all the way up the complex and out the top of it . We then walked into the nearby chapel before walking down the hill and catching a trolleybus back to the hostel to relax a bit before dinner . We ended up getting food at a Russian restaurant that had a DJ , who curated a sweet soundtrack . We then walked to a local supermarket , where Erin and I bought some Russian beer , which we drank at the hostel before falling asleep . The next morning , we got up and arranged our transit to the airport the following day with Nikolai . Our flight was to leave at 6 : 00AM , so we wanted to give them warning and ask about when we should order a cab . Nikolai took care of it all for us while we were out exploring . As we ate out breakfast , a new guest came to stay at the hostel . He was a French backpacker who had flown to Vladivistok and was making his way back to Moscow via train . For reasons we couldn 't understand , neither the French nor the Dutch backpackers spoke much Russian . The French guy mostly sat there as we planned our day . Nikolai seemed sad when we didn 't take him with us for the day , but we had planned to travel far out in the city that day , and there wouldn 't be space for him with us in the taxi . From the hostel , we walked a few blocks to the basement of the Central Universal Store , or TsUM . Originally , in the basement , there was a Red Army field hospital . As the territory changed hands over the battle , it then became a Wehrmacht field hospital and headquarters of sorts . In this basement , General Field Marshall Friedrich von Paulus was captured by the Red Army . He was perhaps the most notorious German POW in Soviet hands , and Hitler was livid that Paulus allowed himself to be captured instead of killing himself . The museum was also great in that the woman working at the desk remembered us from the Panorama the day before and believed that we were all students . We also found out that photography , including flash photography ( usually a huge no - no in Russian museums ) was allowed at no extra charged . As we neared the end of the exhibit , one of the directors noticed us and gave us a brief private tour in English and then invited us to join along on the Russian tour , but we sadly had to decline to go off on more adventures . From the bunker museum , we walked towards the train station hoping to find a place for lunch . We quickly found a burger joint that was Chuck Norris themed . They even had Chuck Norris juice and ketchup and mustard bottles . After a quick walk around the train station , and a stop by the recreation of the famous fountain of children around an alligator , we called a Yandex taxi to take us about 45 minutes out in the city to a former German settlement called Sarepta . We got into the cab and I told the driver that I was surprised that he was willing to drive us so far . He said it was only 30 kilometers , which was nothing given that the city itself is 80 kilometers ( 50 miles ) long . Along the way , he laughed when I asked him to turn up a currently popular Russian rap song on the radio called " Ice Melts Between Us . " At the Sarepta museum , we got to go into exhibits in three buildings of a former German farming settlement . The first building , where we bought the tickets , was actually the last building . We were instructed to head off to a different one , which turned out to be a museum of mustard . Apparently , Volgograd is known for mustard oil , and we got to see how they traditionally extracted it with a candle and hand crank press . In the third building , we got a small view of what rooms looked like that people lived in in the community . Along the statue , there was some sassy graffiti , such as one piece that said " Я жив - В . И . Ленин ( I am alive - V . I . Lenin ) , " which was a play on the famous Soviet slogan " Ленин жил . Ленин жив . Ленин будет жить ( Lenin Lived . Lenin is Living . Lenin Will Live . " At the bottom of the statue , there were steps leading to the Volga River . The water seemed to be unusually high and flooding some trees . We also saw a man drive up on a boat and potentially exchange some things and money with some youths . Basically , we may have witnessed a boat based drug deal . So that was fun . From the Lenin statue , we walked along the river to see the main gate of the Volga - Don Canal , which was a massive Soviet canal project that was completed after the war and largely through the labor of German POWs . The gates were impressive , and as we neared them , we noticed that men were catching fish in the waters . One guy saw us and asked if we wanted to buy fish . I said that we couldn 't , that we had no way to prepare them . He answered that he would give us a bag , and it would be fine . I then explained that we had nowhere to cook the fish , and he let us go . From the Canal , we headed off towards a café that was built around a Yak - 40 jet , and decided that it would be a good place to call a taxi back to the center . A driver somewhat quickly accepted the fare , but then I noticed that he wasn 't moving on the map for a long time . I called him and asked why he was taking so long . He said that he didn 't want to drive back to the center , that it was too far and for too little money . He told me that no one would want to drive that far for Yandex . My reply was , " then how did I get here in the first place ? " Annoyed , I hung up on him and saw that he was refusing the cancel the order . I cancelled , filed a complaint against him in the system , and then got a different driver . Rather than wasting time again , I called him and asked if he would take us to the address . He seemed confused by my question . He said that he could see on the map that it was where we want to go and asked if we wanted to go somewhere else . Unlike the first driver , he paid attention to the address of the fare and didn 't mind driving us there . We then embarked on a forty minute ride of insanity and terror . Our driver , while extremely friendly , drove like a rally driver in a beat up old Nissan station wagon . He was very gopnik , complete with a knockoff Adidas track jacket , and the standard Russian man sunglasses . The car smelled strongly of gasoline , and he weaved in and out of traffic . Once he started talking , he didn 't stop until we arrived at the hostel . At first , he started talking about the Mongol conquest of Russia when Erin and I said we were historians . He then started to talk about a friend who uses a metal detector to search for treasures in the fields , which led to a story about him finding and selling a coin from the era of Peter the Great . The driver then started to talk about some icon that his grandfather had given him . During this conversation , he almost drove us into a truck . He also narrowly avoided running over a large chunk of metal that had fallen off of a different car ahead of us . As he was talking about the icon , he mentioned something about the water of the Volga and quickly pulled off of the road and into a gas station . He then got something out of the trunk and poured it into the gas tank . I 'm not sure if he was pulling in gas from a jerry can , as the fuel gauge read E the whole way , or if he was adding dry gas . Either he was supposed to bless his icon in the Volga , or there was water in his fuel . He spoke in a very confusing fashion , which wasn 't helped by the radio and open windows . We got back onto the road , and he then told us about how he had broken up with his girlfriend of five years . Mercifully , we arrived before we could die from his driving . Exiting the taxi , we popped into a local blini restaurant for an early dinner . The shashlyk blini was depressingly bad . Gustav then headed back to relax while Erin , Linda , and I walked to the water and then into a bookstore . We then returned home where we sat and had tea until nightfall . We had decided to go back to Mamaev Kurgan at night to see it lit up . We took the tramvai there , which in Volgograd is like a miniature metro at times . In the center of the city , the tramvai runs underground and has stations reminiscent of the metro . And , without street traffic , the tramvai was able to go really fast . On the way down , we noticed a woman wearing a very strange track suit . Actually , track suits were very popular in Volgograd . She had a green , knockoff Adidas track suit that was very tight . She decided to pair it with a pair of heels that only a stripper would wear . As we walked down , I got a sneak photo . Others were not as covert . One guy with his girlfriend took a photo with a flash . His girlfriend was laughing , and I told her that we had also taken photos . This caused her to burst out laughing to the point of tears . We climbed down and took the tramvai back to the hostel . There , we had tea with Lilia and Nikolai in the kitchen . We told them about our day 's adventures , while the French guy awkwardly sat there looking at his phone and eating cereal without milk . Lilia asked if we had tried the mustard oil at Sarepta . When we said no , she pulled out a bottle and cut up some bread for us to taste it with . Nikolai reminded us many times that it was better with black bread , while we had to make do with French bread . We also told them that I was studying German prisoners of war , and they told me that they had built their building . Lilia also told me that there is a cemetery in the area that has a new monument and German graves , so it looks like I 'll have to come back to Volgograd . Nikolai then told us that we had to each wake up in 15 minute intervals , which was actually right . He made a joke that we wouldn 't all go in the shower that the same time , but that it was OK with him if we wanted to . He said we were more than welcome to try , but that he couldn 't imagine how we would all fit . Lilia then told him to stop teasing us . Thus , at 3 : 00AM this morning , we took shifts waking and dressing before bidding Nikolai goodbye and heading off in the taxi . Our driver this morning was crazy . He laughed when those in the back seat tried to find their seatbelts and said they weren 't necessary , and that no one would get in trouble for not having them . He then drove like a maniac the whole way . At one straightaway , he accelerated up to 155kph , or 95mph , and took his hands off of the wheel to see if the car would track straight . The instrument cluster was also lit up like a Christmas tree . ABS ? ESP ? Those are for cowards . He almost crashed us into the back of a car that didn 't move over for us , and aggressively passed a series of other drivers . He then dropped us off at Terminal C , which was the wrong Terminal . We then walked over to the dilapidated , Soviet Terminal A , where we checked in . At check in , Gustav had a run in with the man putting on the baggage tags . The guy said that he would have to check his bag because he had a small wheeled carry on and a small backpack . I said that he was allowed to have a bag and a smaller second bag that 's a personal item . He then countered about the weight of Gustav 's bag , which was heavy due to his school books , but the issue was quickly resolved by the woman working at the check - in computer , who said he was going to Moscow and that it was fine for him to take the bag onboard . Before passing through security , we had a breakfast , which was packed for us by Lilia . She had given each of us a juice box and a bear shaped treat that are filled and made for kids . We then made it through security and killed time before getting onto a bus to the plane . It was a little unclear which gate was for our plane , and no one seemed to work at the airport to tell us . The flight was uneventful , and we landed in Moscow without any issues . We got on a bus , walked through the airport , and ran to catch the 8 : 30 Aeroexpress train . I then went back and took a nap before wandering around Moscow with my adviser , but that is a story for another time . May 9th , or Victory Day ( День Победы , Den ' Pobedy ) , is a major Russian holiday at commemorates Soviet victory in World War Two in the European theater of war . The first Victory Parade was held in Moscow at Red Square on June 24 , 1945 . After that , though , Victory Day was not a holiday , and did not become so until 1965 and the 20th anniversary of the ending of WWII . During the Brezhnev era , the Soviet victory over fascism became a point of stability and self - worth for the Soviet government . It was under Brezhnev that the Cult of WWII became a phenomenon and part of Soviet society . Major parades on Victory Day , though , were reserved for large anniversaries of the date . Only four Victory Parades took place in the Soviet Union , in 1945 , 1965 , 1985 , and 1990 . The major military parades were saved for the anniversary of the October Revolution , which was celebrated on November 7th ( when the Revolution took place , the Russians still used the Julian calendar ; the Soviets switched the nation over to the Gregorian calendar ) . Under Putin , however , the Victory Day parade has become a staple , and the Cult of WWII has regained a prominent place in Russian society . As a fan of military technology and the stereotypical images of tanks and ICBMs rolling down Red Square , it was a dream come true to be in Moscow for Victory Day . Due to the importance of the event , a number of practices are held in the weeks leading up to the parade . One night after Taekwondo , Jean Louis found out about the practice , so we headed off to Red Square around 9 : 45PM in the cold and rain . We were able to stand near the Okhotnoy Ryad Metro entrance and see all of the tanks parked and ready to roll onto Red Square . As we stood under the rain , we heard the soldiers on Red Square shout " УРА " ( Hooray ) before the machines started up and rolled past us . It was absolutely unreal to stand meters away from moving tanks , missile launchers , and ICBMs . It 's one thing to see them in museums , but it 's completely different to feel the sidewalk shaking underfoot as the trundle past at speed . A few days later , I managed to see another practice off of Tverskaya Ulitsa , one of the main roads in downtown Moscow . This practice was held earlier in the evening , or rather , I saw the technology roll by closer to 7 : 00PM . They would then wait outside of Red Square and would again drive onto Red Square after 10 : 00PM , once the soldiers had finished their marches . I went with two of my dorm neighbors , Gustav and Linda , and we were again very lucky to get right up to the barricade near the Mayakovskaya Metro stop . This repetition was even better because it was daylight . Because we were at the spot where the tanks turn off of the Garden Ring and onto Tverskaya , there were some gaps in the procession and differences in speed of the vehicles . Trying to catch up to the ones ahead , some of the tanks were clearly driving at full speed when they went past . You could see the damage they were doing to the pavement . On Sunday morning , I had been having brunch with Jean Louis on the 8th floor . While we were cleaning up , we got the surprise of a lifetime with the practice for the aerial portion of the parade . Our dormitory is right under the flight path towards Red Square , and the planes were just overhead . The view from the kitchen window was perfect . I geeked out as I saw a number of really cool planes fly over , such as an Antonov An - 124 Ruslan ( the largest military transport plane in the world ) , and the Tupolev Tu - 95 bomber . The Tu - 95 is known as the Bear bomber according to NATO , and it is Russia 's equivalent to the B - 52 . It 's the USSR / Russia 's strategic long - range bomber that can drop nukes and conventional bombs as well as fire cruise missiles . Unlike the B - 52 , which is jet powered , the Tu - 95 features 4 turbo - prop engines with 8 contra - rotating propellers . It 's one of the fastest propeller driven aircraft and is also one of the loudest military aircraft . The noise of them flying overhead was deafening . You could hear them from really far off , and that must have been somewhat what it was like to live through the Blitz , hearing propeller bombers approaching from far off . The sound meant that nothing good could be coming . There was also a sweet flyover of various fighter jets and bombers , which were in great patterns . The final planes dropped smoke in the color of the Russian flag , which was great . On Victory Day itself , I woke up at 6 : 30 so that I could leave the dorm at 7 : 00 to head off to Tverskaya , one of the main roads in Moscow to try to watch the military vehicles parade down the roads . The major ceremony takes place at Red Square , but only diplomats , veterans , and special guests can go to see the parade in person . It 's an invitation only event . Myself and a few others braved the cold weather and rain to head to the same spot on Tverskaya just past the Mayakovskaya Metro stop to catch the machinery roll by before parking off of Red Square . The official ceremony starts at 10 : 00AM . We figured we could see the stuff and then wait for the planes to fly over . When we got there around 7 : 30 , we spoke to a few cops and they said that the stuff had already gone by at around 7 : 00 if not earlier . While deliberating what to do , Jean Louis was briefly interview for some Russian TV channel . Slightly discouraged by the lack of tanks , we walked by foot in the direction of Red Square to see how close we could get . The closest , near the Teatralnaya Metro stop , didn 't give us views of anything . The others talked about maybe going to one particular spot , and I wasn 't sure what would or wouldn 't be visible from there . I walked back to the dorm to have a quick chat with the security guards about going on the roof . The guy in the first building said that he didn 't have a key to the roof , and to ask the guys in the main building . He told me to tell him if the other guards had the key , because he also wanted to go on the roof to watch the planes fly over . So I went off to the main building and asked the guard there if he had a key to the roof so that we could watch the planes . He said that he didn 't have it , and that he himself had been searching for it for the same reason . I wished him a happy holiday , and he said he would unlock the main door for me to leave . We then stood there for a solid minute while he tried to unlock the door . Once again , I was reminded at how deadly every exit to the university potentially is . On the street , I ran into an acquaintance named Anna . She said she was waiting for her friend Dasha , and that they were going to go to Tverskaya together to watch the tanks . I said that I had been told that they had already gone by , and she said that was crazy . By this time it was already nearing 9 : 00AM . She said that the first vehicles , such as the T - 34 tank on a trailer ( 70 + year old tanks aren 't meant to drive miles down the roads of Moscow ) , were probably what had gone by . We hopped on the Metro and rode to the center , to a station where there are four stations together . It turns out that we could only exit from one of them , which means we had to walk through basically three others to get to the street . We exited at Arbatskaya and stood in a fairly thick crowd . By chance , another acquaintance , Dima , was there and saw me . He said hello and told us how to join up with the others , so we quickly walked off and wound up on a hill overlooking the exit of the Kremlin , right were the vehicles would leave the Kremlin and drive up and through the city . Sadly , from that point it 's impossible to see the foot soldiers . The parade of vehicles was just as cool as when I saw the various repetitions . On one hand , the practices were better because I was closer to the vehicles , but it 's something else to see them rolling with the Kremlin walls in the background . As soon as the tanks passed , the police made announcements for the crowd to disperse . Due to the poor weather , the planes had been cancelled . Some people were saying that it was the coldest Victory Day ever . While I 'm not sure of that , I do know that it was indeed cold . On the 8th , it alternated between raining heavily and snowing . I thought that this was intentional . The Russians do something to the clouds to push them out of the sky and cause them to rain before and after the holiday so that the skies are clear on the holiday itself . They either didn 't do it , or it was too cold and the clouds were too saturated . The temperature on Victory Day ranged from the mid - 30s to the mid - 40s Fahrenheit , and it rained on and off for most of the day . The weather was evidently bad enough that they decided not to do the fly overs . Slightly dejected , we wandered off to get food . We wound up back by Pushkin Square , which was filled with a parade for various political parties including the Communist Party and one that was for the restoration of the monarchy . After getting cut off a few times , we eventually wound up in a good cafeteria where we all chowed down and regained some energy . We then walked to the Hermitage Garden , where there was a smaller collection of Victory Day activities . There were a number of old GAZ Volga cars , and there was a Ural motorcycle that we could sit on . There was a concert of military music , and there was a special ceremony of thanks and recognition for a few veterans of WWII . There are still a few of them around , and they were proudly enjoying the day 's activities . From there , we walked back to RGGU to have tea and rest up for other activities . Around 7 : 15 , Jean Louis asked if I wanted to get dinner with him . We walked to the store and got some booze and then grabbed some food from McDonald 's , which we ate in the 9th floor kitchen . Izaro was making herself pasta , and Étienne was sitting and having a cup of noodles . Jean Louis then invited him to the fireworks . Gustav also joined us , and we hopped in the metro to ride off to Park Pobedy , Victory Park . The show was supposed to start at 10 : 00 , so we left before 9 : 00 . When we changed stations at Kievskaya , we all piled into an overcrowded car for the one stop to Victory Park . In the station , we met up with Dima , and then we proceeded out and to the park . To get into the park we had to wait in line to go through metal detectors . The crowd was pretty tight getting through security , but once we were inside it was OK , as the park is huge . We then met up with the Italians and two Germans . At 10 : 00 , the fireworks began and lasted for about ten or fifteen minutes . Leaving the park was quite difficult . As soon as the fireworks ended , people rushed the exits . We went towards the exit , but all movement stopped pretty quickly . We stood unmoving for quite some time . We then tried to see if we could go out a different exit , but it had been blocked . We were essentially locked into the park by police barricades . Only after a while did they open the main barricade that was stopping us . We got shuffled and pushed towards the exit with the mob . We unfortunately lost two of our friends in the process . As we approached the entrance to the metro , the mob was bonkers . We were being crushed and pushed from every direction as everyone rushed to get down the stairs . Once a few steps into the metro entrance , however , the crowd dispersed and we were able to have some space to ourselves and make sure everyone was there to head home . In total , Victory Day was absolutely fantastic . I fulfilled a dream of mine to be in Moscow on Victory Day , which is everything I had hoped it would be and more . I also walked 13 miles over the course of the day , so my body feels like one of the tanks rolled over me . And now I have to leave for the former Party Archive , where I will spend my day reading about POWs . Life is never dull as a WWII historian . I just got back from a weekend trip to Yerevan , Armenia . I 've wanted to go to Armenia since my sophomore year of college . In spring 2009 , I took a course in the politics of the ex - USSR . We studied the collapse of the Soviet Union and how it impacted each of the 15 republics , as well as many of the Eastern Bloc nations . A major component of the course was to spend a semester studying one of those nations . We had to write a research paper on them as well as make drafts of a Wikipedia page of sorts for the country . The professor told us that it would behoove us to choose a country that had a close history or political relationship with another country . The other country would be our partner , and we were supposed to help each other out . My good friend Lauren and I met to strategize and pick nations that we thought would work well together and wouldn 't be immediately chosen by others . Being a huge fan of the band System of a Down , I wanted to go with Armenia . For those of you unfamiliar with System of a Down , they 're a metal band from Los Angeles . Each of the members is of Armenian heritage . They played a great concert at Yerevan 's Freedom Square in 2015 for the centennial anniversary of the Armenian Genocide . Lauren chose Azerbaijan , and our semester of research took off without a hitch . After spending months researching Armenia , I became fascinated by it . I even strongly considered applying for a Fulbright ETA to Armenia instead of Russia . Although Russia won out in that decision process , I had not given up on eventually going to Armenia . Thankfully , one of my fellow ASEEES grantees has been doing research in a few republics other than Russia . Erin was wonderful and let me visit her and crash at her place . On Friday morning , I headed off to the airport . On the way out of the dorm , the strictest dezhurnaya , Olga , saw me leaving and asked why I was leaving so soon . She had evidently noticed that I had not been around for a few weeks and was confused as to why I was again heading out of the dorm at an early hour with a full backpack . I explained that I was going to Yerevan for the weekend to visit a friend researching there , and that I had to do the super quick turnaround due to Russian migration laws . When you travel within Russia , or return from abroad , you have to register your place of living . I traveled to Ulyanovsk when I did to make sure that I could see two of my best friends and to ensure that I wouldn 't have problems with migration concerning the trip to Armenia . I had booked the tickets to Armenia moderately far in advance with regards to Erin 's schedule . Immediately after returning from Kazakhstan , I handed in my papers at the university to register at the dorms . According to Russian migration laws , a foreigner has to register their visa within 7 business days in a new city . Then , when I traveled to Ulyanovsk , I registered at my friend Ira 's apartment . It takes me a week to get my registration from the university , as opposed to immediately if registering with a private citizen through a post - office or police station , so I knew I wouldn 't have time to reregister after Ulyanovsk before heading to Armenia . That 's why I decided to come back from Ulyanovsk on a Wednesday and fly out on a Friday , I wouldn 't have to bother with reregistering . The flight left Sheremetyevo a little late , but we were scheduled to land early . The flight was mostly fine . It wasn 't quite the steal of $ 15 roundtrip to Kazakhstan , but the miles reward flight only cost me $ 50 roundtrip . We got the standard " breakfast " meal of a fish sandwich , yogurt , and chocolate bar with a drink . Around the time that they were serving me , we started to hit some light turbulence , so they stopped the hot drink service . After the meal service was cleaned up , we hit some moderate turbulence . You know it 's never a good sign when they tell the crew to take their seats . We were jostled fairly roughly for about five or ten minutes . After that , though , it was fairly smooth into Yerevan . My plane even had WiFi for streaming of entertainment on personal devises . There 's a reason why Aeroflot has recently become the top rated European airline . After making it through the airport , I met Erin and we grabbed a taxi back to her place . We managed to take the same taxi that had dropped her off at the airport . She had told the driver that she was picking me up , and he had given her his number and told her to call in case he was still around . To my glee , our taxi was a 1997 Mercedes W210 . Erin spoke with the driver in Armenian , but he also spoke Russian , so I questioned him about his car a little . He seemed pleased that I was so interested in it . While on the topic of cars , Armenia was a vehicular paradise for me . Many of the cars are old Mercedes , mostly C and E classes from 1995 - 2003 . There are also a smattering of Baby Benzes , the W201 , and a few of my beloved W124s , though those were rarer and are generally post - 1990 face lift models . There were also a fair number of newer E Classes of the W211 and W212 models , a smattering of W140 S Classes , and a surprising number of Geländewagens . For the German car nut , Armenia is probably a place to travel to hunt what are becoming collector 's items in the USA and Europe . I saw a few 190Es plus some rarer tuned Mercedes . There were a handful done by Brabus or Carlsson . However , I 'm not sure how legitimate all of these are . My taxi back to the airport on Monday was clearly modified . For example , the driver had affixed a gear knob that said V12 , and the steering wheel was from a 2002 or so W210 , and not 1998 , which he said the model was . I 'm also second guessing the authenticity of some of the W124s . A former neighbor from Ulyanovsk lives in Dushanbe , Tajikistan . He told me that it 's common to apply the newer body kits to the first generation W124s . He did that himself to his W124 . Mercedes were by far the German car of choice in Armenia , but there were also some great BMWs , including a drool worthy M3 , and some Audis . Opels were also quite common on the streets . German cars made up either 1 / 3 or ½ of the cars on the road . The remaining models were split between Soviet cars , like Lada Zhigulis and Nivas , or my beloved UAZ and odds and ends of other companies from Europe , America , and Asia . I asked my driver back to the airport on Monday about all of the Mercedes in Yerevan . I wondered if there was a company that bought them wholesale and brought them in , but he said it was all private buyers who went to Germany and drove them back . After dropping off my stuff at Erin 's apartment , we set off to explore downtown Yerevan and grab some lunch . Our first order of business was to walk down to the main street and hop in a marshrutka , which took us further into the center . In Armenia , the marshrutki are predominantly old GAZelle models . Unlike in Russia , you pay when exiting the marshrutka . Also , unlike in Russia , you can stand in the old model of marshrutka . In the center , we headed to a hipster microbrewery . There is a vibrant Armenian community in Los Angeles , and it seems that some of LA has moved back to Yerevan . The microbrewery had excellent beers , one of which was an apricot wheat lager . Armenia is known for its fruits , one of which is apricot . The menu had sassy descriptions of trendy foods such as Tex - Mex and poutine . While I am generally missing Mexican food in Russia , I couldn 't help but order the poutine to troll my Canadian friends . It was delicious and I regret nothing . From lunch , we wandered around one of the main squares of Yerevan , Opera , and then we popped into one of Yerevan 's many cafés to have a pick me up of coffee . Yerevan has a very European feel . It reminds me a lot of France , actually . There is a huge coffee and café culture . Everyone enjoys sitting out on the street , sipping coffee , and watching the crowds go by . Yerevan is also moderately accessible for a foreign traveler , especially one with knowledge of Russian . Most people over 30 are bilingual in Armenian and Russian . People under 30 seem to be bilingual in Armenian and English , or are trilingual with Russian . Architecturally , Yerevan is also a mixture of Soviet and European . Although many of the older buildings are in the standardized Soviet five or nine - story blocks , they have their own character . There is a lot of volcanic stone in Armenia , the most common of which is in a pinkish hue . Most of the buildings are constructed of this local stone , so they don 't have the same depressing quality as the grey blocks of the rest of the USSR . Located on the periphery of the Soviet Union , it seems that Armenia was also granted some leniencies to allow its local culture to flourish . Again , which the buildings are in somewhat standardized configurations , they often had uniform and ornate balconies as well as embellishments such as carvings and columns . While this architectural style is often vaguely brutal in the terms of Stalin 's neoclassical style , in Armenia it makes everything look like a Mediterranean paradise . From coffee , Erin and I relaxed a bit before changing , grabbing a taxi , and heading off to another one of Yerevan 's venerated traditions , a jazz club . We went to the most famous venue in Yerevan , Malkhas Jazz Club . There 's live jazz starting at 9 : 00PM nightly . We went and had a nice table with a decent view of the musicians on the ground floor . The band was great , and the food and drinks only added to the experience . I was able to get a perfectly cooked , rare filet mignon for about $ 10 . The White Russian I had with it made it an evening of surprisingly affordable decadence . The cover charge , food , drink , water , and gratuity was less than $ 25 . 00 for me . That 's another nice and handy thing in Armenia . In most restaurants and cafés , a 10 % gratuity is automatically applied to the bill . On Saturday morning , Erin and I ventured out of Yerevan to two nearby and major sites . Her landlord gave us the number of a taxi driver , who took us out and back for about $ 25 . 00 . He picked us up from the apartment , which is actually right next to his usual corner taxi stand , and drove us about an hour out of the city along the winding roads of the countryside to Garni and Geghard . The countryside in Armenia is simply stunning . Yerevan itself is built at the base of and then up a mountain . We drove up the mountain and then found ourselves riding along road paradise . I would love to rent a car and drive around the back roads for a week or two . Unlike in Georgia , the drivers seemed fairly calm and more or less respected the lines on the road and kept to reasonable speeds . Along the road , we passed stands selling local food delicacies , small villages , dacha settlements , and a very interesting farm fresh butcher . There was a shepherd with a pen of sheep . You could pick out the sheep and the guy would kill , skin , and cut it for you on the roadside . Farm fresh eating indeed . Sadly , I didn 't manage to catch a picture of that . The first place we went was the Temple of Garni . It was probably built in the First Century AD to a sun god . It was repurposed into a royal residence after Armenia 's conversion to Christianity . According to Wikipedia , it was ruined in an earthquake in the 17th century , and was later rediscovered during archeological digs . The Soviets reconstructed in the 1960s and 1970s , and it 's the only Greco - Roman colonnade building in the former Soviet Union . The temple itself was pretty impressive , but the views from it of the mountains , valleys , and rivers were stunning . While walking back to the taxi , we popped by the stands of local food vendors and acquired a few provisions for our travels . We bought a fruit leather called T ' tu Lavash or Lavashak . Basically , fruit is cooked down with water and then spread out to bake , traditionally in the sun . Think of it as an all - natural fruit roll up . I believe we got a pomegranate one . We also got a second one that was apricot that had walnuts rolled up with it . Finally , we got a traditional bread that 's frequently sold at Garni and Geghard called Gata . It 's a sweet bread , and the local variant is filled with something called koritz . It has the consistency and almost the taste of marzipan , but it 's just flour , sugar , and butter . Armed with snacks , we got back into our taxi and rode to Geghard , which is a monastery complex that 's partially carved out of a mountain . The complex was founded in the 4th Century and the main chapel was built in 1215 . Perhaps few know the religious history of Armenia . The Armenian Apostolic Church was founded in the 1st Century AD , and Armenia was the first nation to adopt Christianity as the state religion in 301 AD . In comparison , the Roman Empire Christianized under Constantine the Great during his reign from 306 - 337 AD and it only became the state religion by the end of the 4th Century . Kievan Rus ' , a predecessor of the Russian Empire Christianized in 988 . Many of the monks lived in little cells that were hewn out of the mountain . Being fairly isolated from society , the monks took to harvesting honey for nourishment . This tradition continues to this day , and there are a ton of bee hives around the territory of the monastery . After our picnic , we rode back into the city and rested for a bit before walking into the center of Yerevan . We walked around one of the other main sites , the Cascade , before grabbing dinner at a Caucasian restaurant called Kavkaz that had a mixture of Armenia , Persian , and Georgian foods . We split a delightful khachipuri ; a dolma platter ( pronounced tolma in Armenian ) which included stuffed cabbage , peppers , eggplant , and tomatoes ; and a meat , potato , and spice dish called ker u sus that translates along the lines of " shut up and eat . " Everything was delicious and I was too busy stuffing my face to remember to take a photo of the meal . We also had a cool yogurt drink called Tan . It 's basically just watered down yogurt , and it 's super refreshing and cooling , especially in the hot weather . Coming from Moscow , it was indeed hot in Armenia . When I left Moscow , it was around freezing , and it was in the 70s during the day each day in Armenia . It was a treat to walk around in short sleeves and to sit outside for most of our meals . After dinner , we headed to a rock club called the Stop Club to catch a band playing covers of 70s hard rock . They were pretty good . They played the Rolling Stones , Deep Purple , and the Doors among others . The mostly stuck to bluesy hard rock . With the inside of the Cascade is the Cafesjian Center for the Arts . The museum is broken up into five levels that go up and into the mountain . On each level , it 's possible to walk out onto the Cascade and get different views of the city . It 's also a convenient way of heading up the mountain . The last few flights have to be done on foot . One cool part of this Victory Park is that no one seems to care if you climb on the military hardware on display around the base of the Mother Armenia statue . One piece of hardware is a T - 34 tank , which was the main Soviet tank of WWII . It was the first tank to use sloped armor , and is sometimes known as the tank that won WWII . I , naturally , never pass up the opportunity to climb one if it is offered . It 's dissertation research at this point . We then took a marshrutka back down into the city so that we could take a ride on the Yerevan Metro . The marshrutka was already full , so we had to stand for the ride down the hill , which was a little unpleasant . The driver was speeding , and I made the mistake of looking at his instrument cluster . What I found was a series of broken gauges . The rev counter was stuck at 5 , 500 RPM , the speedometer didn 't function , and the needles were missing from the fuel and oil gauges . Thankfully , we arrived without harm , and hopped into the metro . It was opened in 1981 , and looks like most Soviet metros . It is built with the simpler caterpillar design of halls , but they are moderately ornamented with national themes . The cars themselves are the standard 1970s design that continues to run in Moscow and Tbilisi , but like in Tbilisi , the cars have been renovated recently with investment from the European Union . From the Metro , we walked back to Erin 's place with a quick pit stop at a vendor by her street . I had noticed a man selling homemade wine and spirits out of the back of his Lada . He was selling them in recycled water and soda bottles . I asked what he had to offer . He had a variety of flavors of wine including raspberry and cherry . He offered a sample of the raspberry wine , which I bought a bottle of for about $ 3 . 00 . Erin and I then relaxed and had some wine in her apartment before walking into the center for dinner at an Indian restaurant . Stuffed to the gills with butter chicken , lentils , and nan , we walked to the second main square of Yerevan , Freedom Square , via a quick stop at Opera Square again . We saw the start of a rally on the eve of Genocide Remembrance Day . We didn 't quite catch the start , but people had gathered for a candlelight vigil before marching off somewhere else in the city . Freedom Square was nicely lit up at night , and they have a fountain , light , and music show in the evenings called the Singing Fountains , which we watched for a while . The song choices were quite eclectic . When we approached the square , we heard Elgar 's " Pomp and Circumstance " before also hearing Wing 's " Live and Let Die , " " The Circle of Life " from the Lion King , and Donna Summer 's " Hot Stuff . " From Freedom Square , we hopped back on the Metro and went home for an earlier evening . On Monday morning , we woke up early so that we could attend the traditional ceremony for Genocide Remembrance Day . April 24th is a holiday in Armenia for that cause . From 1915 to 1923 , the Ottoman Empire launched a genocide against its Armenian population . The arrest deportation of Armenian intellectuals , which started on April 24 , 1915 , is seen as the starting date of the Genocide . Every year , Armenians gather at the Armenian Genocide Memorial at Tsitsernakaberd to walk up the hill to the monument and lay flowers inside the memorial . One of Erin 's Armenian friends said that we should get there around 8 : 00 to avoid waiting for a very long time . We got up and walked to the taxi stand at the end of Erin 's street and found a nice man with a W140 S Class to drive us as far as the bridge that leads up to the memorial complex . Some of the roads were closed to regular traffic to accommodate the large crowds heading to the memorial . Incidentally , this was the first time that I got to ride in a W140 , so I was pretty excited . I was not excited , however , when the driver used most of the power of the V8 engine to rocket us down the hill while his break wear indicator light was on . My only consolation was that these cars are absolute tanks , and unlike in Georgia or Central Asia , the seatbelts in the backseat were still installed and functioning . We walked across the bridge and found a flower vendor near the base of the complex . We climbed up the hill with the crowds and eventually wound up in a fairly large crowd at the top of the hill to wait our turn to enter the memorial and lay our flowers around the eternal flame . The ceremony was understandably a very big deal , and a variety of news outlets were televising the procession . The event was also incredibly well organized . The crowd was funneled up the complex to the monument along one main path . From the top , the crowd was then taken down to the other side along a different path . At the base of the path , there were free busses , which were there to take people either back to the other side of the memorial or to one of the metro stops , which we rode on back to Erin 's neighborhood . We then walked back into town for a brunch at a café where I had something that more or less approximated a ham , egg , and cheese sandwich on a bagel . We then strolled back to her apartment with a stop via a nice bakery for some cookies . After a quick drink of a little more of the raspberry wine , we headed outside for my taxi back to the airport . We had arranged with the guy who drove us to the Genocide Memorial for a taxi to take me to the airport . The guy was supposed to be at the apartment at 12 : 15 , but when he wasn 't there around 12 : 30 we deiced to call a taxi through Armenia 's version of Uber , GG Taxi . At the same time that the GG Taxi arrived , the other driver showed up . He was slightly annoyed that we had called a GG Taxi , but it was his loss for showing up about 20 minutes late for a ride to the airport . I was also not so secretly happy to get to ride back to the airport in a 1998 W210 . I had already checked in for my flight , so I just had to wait in line for a short bit to get a boarding pass . Immigration control once again went very quickly with the 20 or so kiosks that were set up to process travelers . The terminal itself is fairly new and quite small . There are about six gates , a few kiosks for food and drink , and newsstand , and great lounge chairs with views of the runway , Mount Ararat , and free WiFi . Although our plane boarded a few minutes late , we pushed back from the gate 2 minutes ahead of schedule . The flight was calm after some light turbulence around takeoff , and we landed in Moscow 20 minutes ahead of schedule . I made it through immigration reasonably quickly and without issues and was back in my dorm well ahead of my 9 : 00PM laundry slot . And so concludes a the trip to my 6th ex - Soviet Republic . Yesterday morning , I returned from a two week trip to Ulyanovsk . I went in order to do research in local archives there . Of course , I also spent time catching up with friends . I even served as a tour guide for a few days . Anne - Marie has been traveling a bit around Russia and wanted to see the city that I 'm always raving about , so we went together for the first few days . We left Moscow on a Monday night on the train . Anne - Marie and I ended up getting spots in platskart , or third class . I 've never ridden in third class before , and she had never been on a sleeper train , so it was quite the adventure for both of us . Third class is an open train carriage with roughly 6 sleeping places grouped together . Like in kupe , or second class , there are four spots around a table , two upper and two lower . As there are no doors diving the spaces , there is more space along the walkways in third class , so there are two bunks that go along the windows . Anne - Marie got the upper bunk on the hallway , and I got my preferred lower bunk . Our neighbors on the ride to Ulyanovsk were fairly nice but weren 't talkative with us . They left us to our own devices . On another train adventure , Anne - Marie and I walked down almost the entire length of the train to check out the restaurant car . I had never been to one on a Russian train , and she was curious . The crossings between the train carriages were pretty scary at times , but we made it to the restaurant and back for a beer . We arrived in Ulyanovsk on a Tuesday morning . We hopped in a cab to meet my friend Ira at a language school . Ira was incredibly generous and let the two of us stay with her , and then continued to let me stay with her the whole time . After a detour to the famous Shashlychnaya on Federatsiya , we dropped off our stuff in the apartment and got another set of keys made before I showed Anne - Marie around the major streets and sights of the center . One of our stops was the Lenin Memorial Museum . Sometime since the summer of 2014 , they redid some of the exhibits . We enjoyed the museum , but I was upset because my favorite exhibit is gone . My favorite item there was the giant socialist - realist carpet with Lenin , scientists , and farmers . I asked a woman working there where the carpet had gone . " I see you 've been here before , " she stated . She then said that they had slightly changed the exhibit , and that 's just the way that it would be for a while . The next day , we went to a series of other museums along Lenin and Tolstoy Streets . My former Russian teacher , her friend Olga , and the new Fulbrighter at the Politech went on the excursions with us . It was my fourth trip to the architecture museum , I think , and when we went inside my Russian teacher said that it was now my turn to give the tours . In Russian ! So I complied and talked about the formation of the Simbirsk Kremlin by Bogdan Khitrovo on the banks of the Volga , then the edge of the Russian state . On Thursday , we got up and headed to one of my favorite museums in the world , the Museum of Civil Aviation . It 's a moderately sized aviation museum on the outskirts of the city by the old airport . While it may not be huge , I think it 's the best aviation museum in the world because you can enter a few of the planes and sit in the cockpits . We had a ball wandering around the Tu - 124 . When we arrived , we were told that the Tu - 144 , the Soviet Concorde , was closed . After having fun , we went back to the office to ask how to take a bus back , as we had taken a taxi to get to the museum . A new man was sitting in the office and was curious about our accents . He got very excited when we said we were from the USA and Canada . He then made some jokes about maple syrup and silver dollars . I jokingly said I had American Marlboros , which I would trade to get into the Concorde . He said we could go into the Concorde anyway , but gladly took two cigarettes . As we were being let into the Concorde by the woman who sold us the tickets , she told us that the man was the director of the museum . After playing around inside the Concorde for a bit , we went back into the office where we had tea with the director and museum employees . The director is an incredibly friendly and generous man , who invited us back to the museum for a private tour with him . From the aviation museum , we got another meal at the shashlychnaya before heading to the Fire Museum . I had never been there before . The highlights of this particular museum are uniforms that you can try on as well as a cool 1938 GAZ - AA fire truck and a Ural motorcycle with sidecar that had been transformed into a fire vehicle . Sadly , the fun had to end , and Anne - Marie went back to Moscow on the train on Thursday night , while I began my work . On Friday morning , I went to work in the Archive of Modern History , or the former Communist Party Archive for Ulyanovsk . I had tried calling their phone number a few times so that I would not be showing up unannounced but no one answered . I went to the archive and saw the security guard inside and said that I had called and was trying to find out about receiving permission to work there . He told me to wait a second , got up , opened a door , and shouted , " The American is here ! " From there I was introduced to the head of the reading room , who told me that the reading room was closed on Fridays and Mondays , but that I was welcome to work in them on those days anyway . She then introduced me to the director of the archive , with whom I chatted for a few minutes . She asked me about my topic and RGGU , because she graduated from the archive and history department there . In the reading room , the worker showed me a series of helpful books . She also give me a complete electronic folder of documents and photos about one particular street in the city , which was built by German POWs . The reading room itself was very comfortable , and it had plenty of outlets for computers . It also had really neat displays on the wall from the 1980s about representatives from Ulyanovsk going to various Communist Party Conferences in Moscow , such as the famed 20th Party Congress in which Khrushchev gave his " Secret Speech " that denounced Stalin and his cult . On Saturday morning , I woke up early and walked off to my friend Natasha 's apartment to get into a taxi to the bus station with her . We took a long distance marshrutka to Tolyatti , with Alex , who is the Fulbright ETA from the Ulyanovsk State University ( the Lehigh to the Lafayette of the Ulyanovsk State Technical University ) . I 've wanted to go to Tolyatti for a long time , and mentioned it to Natasha when she told me that she was going there to visit her boyfriend , who is from there . She said that it could easily be arranged for us to travel there . My interest in Tolyatti is that it is the location of AvtoVAZ , the Russian car company that makes the Lada . It was built in the late 1960s with the help of the Italians and the Fiat Corporation . The infamous Lada Zhiguli is really a modified Fiat 124 . We rode in the marshrutka quite comfortably . We got out for a quick stop when we got to Dmitrovgrad , the second largest city in the Ulyanovsk Oblast . We took a photo together there and almost got run over in the process . After more hours of riding , and passing some Kolkhozy and Sovkhozy , we got to Tolyatti , where Natasha 's boyfriend Sasha met us with his car . He took us to the main overlook of the Volga river and told us that Tolyatti was originally called Stavropol - Na - Volge , of Stavropol on the Volga . Two important things happened to the city in recent times . The first was the construction of the Kuybyshev Dam and Reservoir in the 1950s . This caused the city to be completed moved . The reservoir ended up flooding the old city completely . Thus , Tolyatti is a completely new and Soviet city . Sasha said that when the water level is really low , you can walk along the banks of the Volga and find remnants of the old buildings or grave stones from the cemetery . The other major change to the city was the construction of AvtoVAZ in 1964 . Due to the project , the city was renamed Tolyatti in honor of Palmiro Togliatti , who was the leader of the Italian Communist Party from the late 1920s until his death in 1964 . From the visa on the Volga , we headed in the city to grab some shawarma at the best stand there . Then , we took a drive along the massive AvtoVAZ factory before going to the museum . Sadly , we couldn 't go on a tour of the factory because they didn 't allow foreigners in . The museum for the factory was pretty cool , though . And part of the museum with the concept cars was basically on an extension of the factory floor . You could hear them assembling stuff on the other side of the wall . After the AvtoVAZ museum , we went to a giant military museum and wandered around fields of tanks , troops carriers , trucks , and missile launchers . They even have a submarine on display , which was sadly closed on the day we were there . There is also a second area at the museum that has a number of military and civilian trains , including one from America . It was pretty cool to climb around on an armored military train . Yet again , I was living out some of my Goldeneye fantasies . From the military museum , we picked up Sasha 's best friend and went to a Serbian burger restaurant that 's a chain in Tolyatti . Then , we went to a shooting range . Sasha has a shotgun , and we shot clay targets . It was the first time that I 've been clay shooting . I 'm pretty decent at hitting standing targets , but it is a bit of a challenge to hit moving targets . After shooting , we rode back to Ulyanovsk in Sasha 's car . I spent most of my second week in Ulyanovsk catching up with friends , people at the Politech , and working on my research . On Monday , I got up and headed to the archive . The woman who works in the reading room was clearly bored , so she had looked through all of the folders I had requested and had marked off which pages talked about the POWs . She also handed me a few other files about the construction of the automotive factory , which she thought might have some things of use for me . She was indeed correct . For some reason , fate is always kind to me in Ulyanovsk . When I was in the reading room , a man overheard me talking with the reading room attendant . He asked if he had correctly heard that I 'm researching German POWs . I said that was indeed the topic of my research and he introduced himself . He 's a former journalist , who now writes local histories . Many of his books are based on recollections of older citizens from the city . During the lunch break , he took me to a historical institute in the city , which houses his personal collection of files . He had a complete folder just on the monument to the dead German POWs that is in the cemetery in the north of Ulyanovsk . I was ecstatic . I knew about the monument and researching it was one of the goals of my trip . It was like divine intervention . The folder had news clippings that covered the contest to create the design of the monument as well as information about opening ceremonies . I also had a productive meeting with the former head of the UAZ Museum , who gave me a number of articles about when some POWs took a trip back to Ulyanovsk again in 1994 . She also helped me set up a meeting at the 33rd Gymnasium , where I met with current and former students and a history teacher there . The teacher invited me to tea with the students , and two former students gave a presentation on their research . They had spent 3 years working on a project on German POWs in Ulyanovsk as their major course work for high school . I had read a cropped version of their report in a publication from an Ulyanovsk history conference . Having enjoyed my trip to the aviation museum , I contacted the director and asked if I could come with the new Fulbrighter for a tour with him . He gladly accepted , so I went to the museum again last Sunday with Katie , Ira , and two new acquaintances from South Africa . We all wandered around the planes like children and had a blast . As we were with the director , we got to go into two planes that are usually off limits in addition to the Tu - 124 and the Tu - 144 . We got to tour the Tu - 104 , which was specially outfitted to ferry Soviet military officers . The seats were all fancy , and there was even a special bedroom cabin it in . We also got to enter the An - 14 , known as the " Little Bee . " On Tuesday night , I headed back to the train with a heavy heart . I hate leaving my adoptive Russian home . Ulyanovsk truly is my favorite Russian city . I 'll be trying to find a way to get back even for just a handful of days before flying back to America in July .
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If one more person tells me how well I am doing after the death of my husband , and how strong I 've been , I 'm going to scream . Because along with this wrongly perceived strength and well being , comes the comments that are for the strong woman , the " cold hard truths " and frankly , I don 't want to hear the " cold hard truth " . I 'm living it every day so I have no need to have it pointed out to me , especially if I am having one of those extremely rare moments when I am not thinking about it . A friend once said to me , " Well , the cold hard truth is he is gone , and you don 't have to worry about what he has to say about it . " I wanted to say , " Thank you for making me feel more crappy than I already do . " I 'm not doing well . But when people ask me how I am doing , they expect to hear something like " I 'm doing well " , or , at the very least " I 'm doing OK . . . hanging in there " . Both of these answers must be accompanied by a smile , lest they think there is something seriously wrong with me . What I really want to tell them is that my world feels like it is falling apart at the seams and there are actually times where I want to throw myself in front of a moving bus . I would love to say to someone when asked how I am , " Well , I feel like crap . I walk around like there is a black cloud over my head , and even when I am laughing , I am crying inside . I 'm almost positive that I 'll never be genuinely happy again and that I 've been sentenced to a long life of loneliness without my soulmate , but I 'm muddling through life with this fake smile plastered on my face because I have two kids that I love and I owe it to them to give them a good life , considering they no longer have a father . " Society has this I - Am - Woman - Hear - Me - Roar ideal that after any kind of tragedy , a woman is supposed to bounce back almost immediately or she is seen as weak , co - dependent and an embarrassment to the female species . According to that ideal , what I 'm really " supposed " to do is put all his pictures away , get a makeoPosted by When you become a widow , it is common knowledge that the first year is going to , in a nutshell , suck . The first Mother 's Day , Father 's Day , Christmas or Hanukkah , New Year 's , Valentine 's Day , anniversaries and birthdays , all fall into this category . But then there are the firsts which are not as defined , but they hurt just as much or maybe even more depending on your family traditions . For example , I was in Cape May last week , and it was the first time I had been to Cape May as an adult without Bobby . I wasn 't even thinking about it or dreading going ; instead I was focused on taking a friend of mine who had never been there . But once I got there , I got a horrible pain that hit me in the stomach the way a baseball hits you in the back of the head . . . very unexpected and extremely painful . I was in Cape May without Bobby . I was in the quaint little shopping district without Bobby . I was going to walk in the Five and Dime without Bobby . I was going to admire the town 's beautiful architecture , which Bobby loved , without him . I became sad and introspective , and my poor friend was stuck with me . She gets lots of points for patience . This experience stuck with me , and today while I was putting our family activities on the new school calendar , I realized that our annual apple - picking trip will no longer include Bobby . The annual hospital picnic that we attend every year will no longer include Bobby . Our holiday trips into NYC will no longer include Bobby . My first day back at church after the funeral was ridiculously tough , and even though I 've been back to services several times since then , I cannot even get through a service without crying . Even something as simple as buying concert tickets for a Beatles Tribute Band was sad . . . I only had to order three tickets instead of the normal four . When is three ever going to be normal ? Four is normal for our family , dammit , not three ! ! I guess we have to use that new normal number for our family . God , how I hate that phrase , ' new normal ' . I wonder now how many morePosted by I was watching DVD reruns of a show from 2008 called " Life on Mars " . In a nutshell , it 's about a cop named Sam from 2008 that ends up back in time , to 1973 , working as a cop . He says in the beginning of the show , " . . . I don 't know how or why I 'm here , but it 's like I 've landed on a different planet . . . " Like Sam , I don 't know why I 'm here in Widowhood , but I do know how ( damn cancer ) . And it really is like living on another planet . It 's a whole other life . Sure , I have the same job , same house and the same kids , but it 's completely different . As I 've said before , my husband and I worked at the same place , so my workplace is completely different . He is not there for me to bounce things off of , the one person I could trust completely , without reservation , to talk to about work openly , honestly , and humorously . I could say what was really on my mind without having to worry about being politically correct . He would also send me emails throughout the day , just to say he loved me . I miss that the most . It goes without saying that my home life is completely different , too . From learning how to use a weed - whacker to worrying about car inspection . . . that was all part of his domain , and now they are in mine . I 'm not very mechanical , so I find it somewhat difficult . Then there is the single parenting . There is no longer anyone for me to discuss with what is best for the kids ; are we doing this right ? Should we let the 14 - year - old do this , or the 12 - year - old do that ? What if I make a wrong decision ? And how the heck am I supposed to teach a teenage boy how to shave his face ? I 'm guessing it 's a lot different than shaving my legs . Lastly are the dreaded social situations . For the last nineteen years , I was part of a couple . Now I am a single . God , I hate being a single . I went from dropping my kids off at the water park and walking hand - in - hand with Bobby on the boardwalk to dropping my kids off at the water park and sitting on a bench reading a magazine . Feeling completely pathetic , even thoughPosted by I went to see the movie " Eat Pray Love " last night . I read the book a few years ago , and really enjoyed it , so I figured I might as well see the movie . I really like Julia Roberts , and the movie was good , but not as good as the book . For those of you not familiar with the story , it is the memoir of Liz Gilbert , who after a string of unsatisfying and bad relationships , decides to go on a journey around the world to learn to live with just herself , without a man . ( She does find love in the end , even though she is not looking for it . Luckily for her , it is the healthy love that everybody really wants , not a dependent dysfunctional love . But that is not my point . ) I think Liz 's idea could really work for widows , too . Of course , I can 't imagine a jaunt around the world with my two boys in tow . I 'm sure they would be all for the eating part in Italy , but ripping them away from their friends and activities for praying at an ashram in India and meditating with an old guy that looks like Yoda in Bali would not be their first choice of fun things to do . I 'm sure it is not even in their top hundred . Given the choice , I 'm sure they 'd rather watch paint dry on a wall . In the story , Liz loses her ability to savor life . Her line , " I used to have this appetite for food , for my life . And it 's just gone . I wanna go someplace where I can marvel at something " really resonates with me . But just like she lost her appetite from being in bad relationships , I 've lost my appetite because I 've lost my great relationship . My life is very empty ; except for the shuffling around that I do to get my kids to and from activities and friends ' houses in order to keep their lives normal . My appetite for MY life is gone . There is really nothing that I WANT to do with it anymore . My husband and I had plans . We were going to travel . We were going to live on a houseboat . We were going to get a dog . Hell , we were even going to watch all the reruns of The Sopranos together , since we hadn 't seen every episode . And now my appetitePosted by Disclaimer : It is not my intention to offend anyone with this post , and I want to apologize in advance if I do . I certainly mean NO lack of respect to anyone , but I feel the need to be honest while posting in order for this blog to remain genuine . Due to my recent widowhood , I 've recently joined the ranks as a single mom . I 'm just getting used to having mail come from the school , addressed only to me ( not Mr . & Mrs . ) , and having all the bills only in my name now . However , I do not feel very comfortable with this label because most people who didn 't know me before will automatically assume that I am divorced . I mean no disrespect to women who are divorced . I know many divorced women who I consider friends . However , I want there to be a way to distinguish myself as a widow and not a divorcée . This is not because I think divorcées are failures or less of a person . But now , just like I don 't want anyone to think I am a divorcée , I don 't want anyone to think I am a Marine Biologist , either . When I present myself , I want to present myself as who I am . . . in my case , a widow who was in a wonderful marriage and misses her husband immensely , not someone who kicked their loser ex - husband to the curb ( and we all know that some husbands do deserve to be kicked to the curb ) . It is just that my husband was not one of them . My mom told me many years ago that widows traditionally removed their wedding bands and moved their engagement rings to their right finger to signify that they are a widow . That is fine , but my problem with that is two - fold - first , I haven 't yet removed my wedding band . I just do not feel comfortable without it . ( Let 's save that tidbit for whole other post ) . Second , it is such an old custom , I 'm sure most people in my age group ( and younger ) wouldn 't have any clue what the engagement ring on the right hand even meant . Truthfully , I feel most people would just think that I got my right and left confused . Introducing myself to people as a widow just doesn 't sit right , either . It would jPosted by About once every summer , my cousins with the great backyard have a party of some sort . We 've been going to these parties for years , and I 've always had a good time . Every party is set up the same . . . food on a table in the kitchen , and depending on how hot the weather is , there are either tents set up with picnic tables outside or snack tables in the family room and extra chairs in the dining room so everyone has a place to sit . Whenever the weather was too hot to sit outside , Bobby and I would gravitate to the dining room . So this summer , at my cousins ' almost - annual party , I filled my plate with food , and instinctively looked around the house to see where Bobby was sitting so that I could go and sit next to him . I caught myself a half second later and went and sat in the dining room without him . It was an odd feeling . A few hours later , everybody decided to change into their bathing suits and go in the pool . I took my turn in the bathroom and changed into my bathing suit , too . I got into the pool and started floating around , watching my kids play with their cousins in the pool . Again , for a split second , I looked around the pool , looking for Bobby , so that I could float over to be by his side . Again , I caught myself . He wasn 't there . Then last night , I dropped my son off at the 4 - H fair , and on the way back to the car , I saw a dog that looked like the kind of dog he wanted to get when we retired . Without thinking , I almost actually turned around and said , " Look at that dog ! That 's the kind we want to get ! " Luckily I caught myself before I actually turned around , because that would have been even more depressing . My most recent example was tonight . I was picking my son up from the 4H Fair again , and while we were walking out , 3 girls walked by and said hello . They said it in that cute , almost - but - not - quite flirty way that 12 - year - olds can muster . My son is only 12 , too , and I 'm not used to this girl stuff with him . My first reaction was to go home and tell Bobby about it . Another split second later , Posted by I was at church a few weeks back , sitting with my friends Donna and Peter and their children . Sitting in front of us was an old couple . . . well into their 80s at least . You could tell that the man has had some health issues , but the woman seemed to be in better health , alternating between sitting , standing and kneeling without much effort , while the poor man had to be helped by his wife into every position . The man also had a cane with him . He must have dropped that cane into the aisle at least five times during the service . My friend Peter ( sitting on the aisle ) kindly picked it up for him every time , as it was obvious that man was having difficulties . What bothered me about this couple was that every time the man dropped his cane , or whenever he had to change positions , the woman would get angry , roll her eyes , and scold him ( especially when he dropped his cane ) . What was the big deal ? Its not like she had to pick it up , Peter picked it up every time . I 'm sure it was difficult for her , but to tell you the truth I wanted to slap her upside the back of her head and scream at her , " DO YOU KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE TO HAVE THIS MAN BY YOUR SIDE ? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ? AND STOP ROLLING YOUR EYES AT HIM ! ! ! " Here they were , in church , together , and barring any unusual circumstances , had probably been together for at least 60 years . Yes , 60 years . I barely get 19 years with the love of my life , and this lady looks like she is wishing her poor husband would drop dead . It made me angry to see how ungrateful she looked . I would give anything , yes anything , to have Bobby back . Even if it meant caring for him for the rest of my life . I miss him so much , I even miss all the caring for him . I 'm not saying that caring for him was easy , either . It was strenuous , tiring and time consuming . I had to give up myself for those months , it was like I didn 't even exist . My life was all about him . But I miss every single second . I wish this lady realized what she had and how lucky she actually was . She 's lucky we were in church , becaPosted by Several months ago , before Bobby 's illness got to the " there - is - nothing - more - we - can - do - you - need - to - go - into - hospice " phase , we promised the kids we would take them to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum in Cleveland over Spring Break in April . Well , that didn 't happen because over Spring Break , Bobby was in Hospice care at home , and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum was the last thing on my mind . Fast forward to a few weeks ago and the kids asked me , " Can we go to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum this summer ? " So I said I would take them . So I drove seven hours ( with my sister also in tow ) to Cleveland . We spent all day Friday at the Museum . What does this have to do with Bobby ? Well , I cannot tell you how many times I would read a fact or see an object on display and want to turn around and say to him , " Look at this ! " or " Did you read this ? " It was the first " vacation " I took without him and in some ways , even though I thoroughly enjoyed the Museum , I was so sad because I was not sharing it with him . Which leads me to this next thought . . . . I 'm having trouble moving on without him . ( Big surprise ? ) I " catch " myself enjoying whatever I am doing and I feel immediately sad . I cannot live like this , and I don 't know how to stop without feeling completely guilty about it . I feel like there is a part of me that should never have fun , because to have any sort of fun is like a betrayal . I 'm supposed to be the person in the world who loved him the most , so why would that person ( me ) have any kind of fun when the love of her life is gone ? Many well - meaning friends and family have pointed out to me that I should be able to have fun because despite the fact that he is gone , I am still alive ( well , duh ! ) but that is not the simple answer . I cannot picture him saying to me , " Well , I 'm gone now , so you need to go on and have fun without me . " In all fairness , I also cannot picture him telling me , " You need to mourn in the house forever and never have any fun . " We never talked about that sort of thing , so I do nPosted by Every so often I will look on the Internet for information about being a young widow . It 's sort of like looking for the one website , the one person , ( most likely a widow ) that will have the magic words that I 've been waiting for , the words that will take all my pain away once and for all . It never happens . What I find instead are an interesting mix . . . and none of them seem to have the magic words . On FB , I find that the widows there are very understanding an supportive . When they don 't know what to say , they just post { { HUGS } } which can be comforting , too . I like knowing that others understand my pain . And I don 't mean that in a Schadenfreude way , either . But there are young widows that I can 't say I have a lot in common with . Yes , we 've shared the loss of our husbands , and we are raising children on our own . But one widow insists that if we had a love so great and so rare with our deceased husband , that we will find it again . I think she is dead wrong , with the operative word in the previous sentence being " rare " . There is no man in this world that could live up to the man my husband was . Not only did he love and cherish me , but he respected me in a way that even my friends in good marriages don 't have . He never once , in almost nineteen years , chose TV over me . Never did he ever obviously and outright admire another woman in my presence even though I 'm sure he did , being a red - blooded - American - male . All his co - workers have told me on multiple occasions , even before he was sick , that his face would light up whenever he mentioned my name . He loved to see me smile , so he would do whatever it took to see me smile . And he had an uncanny way of making me feel " pretty " . Not just " attractive " , you know , the word we use when someone is not pretty , but not ugly , either . He made me feel genuinely pretty , even after gaining the second - child - C - section - muffin - top . I 've also read other widows writing about how they 've changed so much , that maybe their once - beloved no longer would date them if they met today ! I find that a bit absuPosted by
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Finished ProjectsI finally finished the February Lady Sweater , I know it took a while . I am now onto quick and easy projects . First the sweater : I love the color , Happy Forest from Dream in Color . I had a customer the other day who said it reminded her of spinach . Maybe she has bad childhood memories of vegetables ! I am very pleased with the outcome . Next , I did a quick scarf . The pattern is from Designer one Skein Wonders , the yarn is from Artists Palette , our yarn of the month . I used the buttersoft DK , and may I say that it is indeed butter soft ! Next I want to make a hat . I need some instant gratification before embarking on another large project ! Flat Feet FinishedI have not been doing very much knitting lately , we have a new addition to our family that is keeping me very busy . Its Lola , our labrador puppy . She is nearly 3 months old now . We got her about a month ago , thus , not much knitting going on . The girls had been bugging me for a dog for what seemed like forever , so after much thought , I decided to go for it . I have never had a dog before , and actually didn 't really care for them , but I am a convert . She has been pretty good as far as you know what , and she isn 't too wild . We 've been taking her to puppy class , which is a big help . It does mean that I can 't leave the house for more than a couple of hours a day , but thats fine for now . I did manage to finish my Flat Feet socks , which were pretty addictive . This is what it looked like half way through , just to get the idea . Now I am determined to finish my February Lady Sweater , only 1 . 5 sleeves to go ! Flat FeetNot me silly ! Its Flat Feet Sock Flats from Conjoined Creations . We have been reading about them for ages , and couldn 't wait to get some into the shop . Its a very interesting concept , knitting directly from a hand painted fabric , or flat . They can even be cut apart so that you can knit two socks at the same time . I should have them available online sometime over the weekend . If you can make it into the shop , there are plenty to check out . Here is a preview . . . MalabrigoIts finally here ! They survived a fire , lived to tell about it , and are still dying beautiful yarn ! Yesterday several huge boxes arrived containing all of our favorites . . . worsted , chunky , laceweight and the much anticipated superwash sock . The are just lovely ! Here is a view of all of it , or as much as I could fit into the photo . Everything is available online as I spent the entire day photographing every skein . I feel like I am going cross - eyed ! Going to meet hubby for a drink , I need it now ! Happy Knitting . Sunshiny DayIt doesn 't happen much lately . I used to tell people that everything they had heard about the weather in the UK was not true , that it wasn 't grey and rainy all the time . Unfortunately for the past two summers , it is very true . I was lucky to fly to the sunshine this summer , but since I have been back we have only had about one day of sunshine a few weeks ago . Today was a great one ! We took full advantage and drove out to a picture perfect pub in Cobham , Surrey . My husband looks the part with his pint , sitting outside in the garden . The kids are on a climbing frame somewhere behind me . Notice the squinting , a side effect of sunshine ! ! ! When we got home , I let the piggies out on the grass to enjoy what may be the only nice day they may see for a while . I enjoyed a bit of knitting beside them on my February Lady Sweater . I am loving this color , Happy Forest from Dream in Color . I know it is close to the one in the photo for the pattern , but to be honest , I have had my eye on that one since we started stocking the yarn , and it had to be done . It looks small in the photo , but I have tried it on , and it fit with a bit of stretching . Nathalie said hers was the same . It would make sense with garter stitch at the top . I am loving the lace pattern , it is one of those that you can memorize in a second . I can work on it and talk at the same time . Not something I can usually do with lace . Last but not least , I found the coolest app for my Iphone . It is a row counter . It not only does rows , but pattern repeats , and even increases . I have been waiting for a counter like this forever ! Just go to the App store , and search for Knitting . It was the only thing that came up . Just a quick download and you can count to your hearts content ! A Harlot DayYesterday , Nathalie and I left Nic all alone in the shop ( don 't worry , she wasn 't lonely ) , trudged through the rain , and went to IKnit day to see the Yarn Harlot . We saw loads of our lovely customers , friends , and other familiar faces . I love the bag by the way ! And here she is : Not a very clear photo , but you can tell its her for sure . When Nathalie first got the tickets , I wasn 't that keen on going , wondering what she could possibly talk about , though I do think her books are hilarious . I have to say that she had some interesting observations on life as a knitter that we all have , especially being in the shop every day . These giant needles were interesting , and I think Nathalie quite enjoyed them . Anyone who has been into Stash will be happy to hear that we were able to buy a giant set of needles , not as giant as these , but like the ones we used to have , to hang in the window . We have been missing them . On the knitting front , I am nearly finished with the first of my husbands socks . I have never made socks for a man , not realizing how huge they would be ! Must start sock number two straight away . Considering what a big fan of the shop he is , I think he deserves them . Back HomeWe arrived back in London Sunday morning , and boy am I jetlagged ! I spent all day unpacking , which is great because now its all go until school starts . Didn 't do much knitting this summer due to extreme heat conditions . Did manage some cotton dishcloths that became gifts , and this lovely little scarf for my sister . How cute is that ! ! I went back and bought a few more balls to make some more . I also started my February Lady Sweater , but didn 't get far . I am going to try and crank it out this week as Nathalie is finished , and I am jealous ! Also have so many other projects that I want to do , don 't we all ! The shop is open again , and we are getting in our Autumn yarns . So far we have Misti Alpacas Chunky in the usual colourways , and hand dyes . We have Interweave Knits , and VK should be here this week along with Malabrigo , which was supposed to ship . I have to check with them though . Will keep you posted . Happy Knitting ! Interweave KnitsFYI - The Fall issue of IK has arrived . You can pick it up tomorrow . After that we will be closed for 2 weeks for our Summer holidays . Have a great Summer ! Just a Quick OneAll is well here in CT , besides the fact that the kids are driving me crazy ! Can you say Camp next year ! ! ! Anyway , with regards to the shop . Nic has injured her back , and won 't be in on Saturday . Diane will be on her own , so will close for lunch from 1 : 00 - 1 : 30 , and the shop will close at 4 : 00 instead of 5 : 00 . Sorry for the inconvenience . Happy Summer . Off to see the sunI 'm here in the shop doing some last minute things before I jet off to CT tomorrow . I won 't be able to update the Stash website from there , so I will try and post anything new and exciting here . This week we received a shipment from Dream in Color , and Nathalie and I are casting on our February Lady Sweaters . I think that will be a good holiday project , though I may only be able to work on it indoors in the air conditioning ! Every time we get a box of Dream in Color , its as if we have never seen it before . I think we each fall in love with a different color every timeThere is a box of Misti Alpacas in transit which will include our all time scarf favorite , 100 % Baby Alpaca Chunky . This time we will have solids as well as handpaints . Some of the colors are to follow , so we should be getting another box in a few weeks . We also have the new issue of Knitscene . This may be their best issue yet . I have to make the Kimono socks . Put those in the list ! Talk to you from the other side of the pond ! Happy Knitting ! SummertimeIts ( sort of ) summertime here in London . More like eternal springtime , which can sometimes be nice . The kids are finishing school this week , and I am looking forward to sleeping in , and not having to make packed lunches ! I will be making my annual pilgrimage to Connecticut next week to enjoy some sun and sand . I will also do my best to scope out the yarn shops in CT and NYC to see if there is anything new and exciting that might be great to have at Stash . On the knitting front , I have finally finished my Aleita vest . I am loving the way it fits , though I had some stress regarding the tension . Why do they not tell you whether or not tension should be in the round ? Maybe it doesn 't effect everyone , but for me it really makes a difference . I had to do one for the bottom half , and another for the top , which was knit flat . I would imagine that if you are a beginner , you could end up having to rip this out , or have a real problem with the fit when it is finished . Anyway , its done now . I have moved on to a sleeping WIP , my Icarus shawl . I love the fact that it was about a third finished when I went back to it . Talk about instant gratification ! I am on the second chart in less than a week . As for the shop , the internet site is up and running after a few blips with the payment gateways . We are now taking both Paypal , and credit cards . I would have liked to have a stock control on the site , but as we run a separate system in the London shop , it is not possible right now . If all goes well , we will have to look into some sort of integration . Meanwhile , I have been very diligent about letting customers know if something is not in stock , which hasn 't happened much anyway ! I have also put up a link on the site for a newsletter that will be published monthly . You can sign up here . I hope to have the first one out next week , and then after I come back from my trip . Happy Knitting ! Up and RunningWell , the internet shop is up and running ! I am a bit nervous , but it seems to work quite smoothly . Not everything is in there yet , but I think there is a pretty good selection . I still have alot of photos to take ! We 'll see if I can get some good light over the next weeks . You can get to it from the link on our website or here . Happy Shopping ! Sale ListToday I am home working hard on getting our internet shopping site moving along . Didn 't get much done last week as the kids were on half term . I am going to try my best to have it coincide with our two year anniversary . It won 't have everything up yet , but I will be adding new lines as the weeks roll on . Speaking of the anniversary , thought I would give you a little taste of what will be in the sale this year . Offhand design bags big reductions , most Louisa Harding yarns , Koigu selected colors , selected Art Yarns , Lambs Pride Worsted , and some others that I am probably forgetting at the moment . Oh yes , we have a big box of mixed Mission Falls cotton odd balls that will be much reduced . Starting Thursday , and carrying on for the next couple of weeks . Happy hunting ! SaleI don 't usually knit for others , I know , I am selfish . I feel very protective of everything I knit . Even when my kids were little , I would follow them around when they were wearing one of the sweaters that I knit for them , worried that they would get ketchup , or a similar staining agent on it . I have found now that they are not really interested in hand knit items , and are rarely ever warm enough to want to wear one anyway . So when my husband asked me to make a baby sweater for a work colleague , I had to think for a moment . My husband doesn 't ask for much from me in the way of knitting , so I thought , what the heck . I had seen this in VK last year , and thought it looked interesting . I had always wanted to do the Baby Surprise Jacket , but this seemed nicer . Its the Baby Suplice jacket by Elizabeth Zimmerman , knit in Socks that Rock , Monsoon . A nice , enjoyable quick knit . I wasn 't sure how it worked until right up until the end , but I just trusted in the pattern , and it worked ! On another note , Stash is turning 2 years old next week ! I can 't believe how time flies . Anyway , we will be doing our usual anniversary sale . We have lots of stuff , so hopefully you can come and check it out ! See you there . Big NewsSomething new is on the horizon for Stash . We are going internet . I know that its something that we weren 't interested in at the beginning , but we have had so many requests , that it had to be done . I have been spending much of my free time photographing yarn , and making sure that it looks as close on screen to the originals . I have had a little bit of help as well . . I know this is not something to complain about , but my house is full of yarn ! ! It is hard to resist at times . I was working on the Koigu today , and every skein I picked up , it was as if I had never seen it before . I kept thinking , " this is so beautiful , what can I make with it ? " . I have to resist temptation at the moment , and get the site up and running . Even Fluffy is excited ! I 'll keep you posted . Posted by BagelsI love to cook . Not sure if I mentioned this before or not . I also love gadgets . Put those two together , and I love kitchen gadgets as well ! I always wanted a bread maker , and got my first one 5 years ago with points earned in Sainsburys Nectar scheme . It was great , and my machine had a great life , but it had to go to the great garbage dump in the sky last week as it stopped working . We had some good times together , and my younger daughter will only eat bread that I make in the bread machine . I have now upgraded to a lovely Panasonic bread machine , which my husband has even learned to love , making pizza dough by the ton the past couple of weeks . Being a New Yorker at heart ( I grew up in Connecticut , parents from Da Bronx ) , I have been homesick for bagels for the past 6 years . I only get good ones when I go back over the summer , and despite what they say here , the Brick Lane Bagel bake is not good at all . They don 't even know how to spell bagel , I think they say something like baegel or something . Anyway , I looked for some recipes online , and made these yesterday . . . Ta Dah ! ! They taste mostly like the real thing . Could be a little chewier , but way better than anything I have had this side of the pond . H & H bagels , they are not , but a good substitute . I got the recipe here . The only change I made was to half the sugar , and add 1 tablespoon malt syrup instead . You can get it in the healthfood shop . On to knitting . I have put aside some other projects , and started the Aleita Shell . Thought it would be nice with the warmer weather coming ( hopefully ! ) . The Blue Sky Alpacas Skinny cotton is lovely , and great stitch definition as well . Also working on the Leafling socks from the Rockin Sock ClubAt the shop we got some great new yarns in this week . First of all Shibuiknits sock yarn . Yummy ! I bought a couple of skeins a while back to test , and beside the fact that it is super soft , the colors are juicy to say the least . We had another surprise when we got a big ole box of Koigu ! ! ! As usual , the colors are great , but thePosted by Natural Dye StudioLast night we kicked off our Yarn of the Month , The Natural Dye Studio with our monthly Yarn Tasting evening . I think I speak for everyone that attended by saying that a great time was had by all . First of all , the yarns are simply lovely . You can see for yourself by the display , we have been sent quite a variety of colors and yarns . Second of all , and maybe one of the reasons to have attended last evening was the sample 's that were provided . I have to say that they have gone above and beyond what we expected . What a presentation ! Everyone received one of these beauties . I didn 't want to open mine up ! Each of these skeins contained something like 10 mini skeins , each with a tag describing the yarn . Our only problem was how to wind them , but no one seemed too bothered . I copied Nathalie and put it around my neck and wound by hand . Here is what it looked like opened up . And here is everyone enjoying the evening ! Yarn TastingI was just reminded today by Nathalie the Stash is going to be having a new Yarn of the Month as of next week . We have been closed this week for Easter holidays , so my mind has not been on yarn as much as how to entertain my two daughters . Lets just say that we have done quite a bit of shopping , as girls like to do . Anyway , we are due a bunch of yarn from The Natural Dye Studio next week . I am really excited about this one . The yarn tasting will be on Monday , April 7 from 7 : 00 - 9 : 00 . We will be open on Tuesday , so call if you want to book a place . Posted by SilkwoodI 'm pretty sure that I mentioned this , but the Yarn of the Month is Silkwood . I was admiring the colors the other day , and just had to take some photos . Nic did most of the dying , and they are just yummy . Hope you can make it in to see it in person . SilkwoodThe new yarn of the month at Stash will be Silkwood starting next week . If anyone is interested , there will be a tasting evening at the shop from 7 - 9 pm on Monday , 10 March . Nic will be there to answer any questions as she often helps out with the dying . I can 't wait to take a look at all of the lovely textures and colors ! See you there . New StuffI haven 't been knitting as much as I want to lately , but I did finish a quick project last week that turned out great . It is a baby kimono , you can find the pattern here . I used Blue Sky Alpacas Suri Merino , about 1 . 5 skeins . For some reason , Ravelry lists this yarn as bulky , but it is really a DK . It isn 't machine washable , but it is a gift for some friends who are having their first baby , and I thought it would be special . I love how it turned out . My only recommendation is to go up a needle size on the sleeves once you start working in the round . I had to rip mine out the first time and re - knit them . I also have yet to sew a button in , or block it . It is now a sample in the shop , so I will wash it and block before I give it to our friends . There are lots of new things in the shop . We have quite a bit of new cotton in . Our favorite at the moment is the Blue Sky Skinny Cotton . The colors are beautiful , and I can 't wait to start something with it . We got a great new yarn in yesterday that we have been stoking quite a bit . Dream in Color has a new one , Baby Laceweight . It is very similar to their other yarns , which means that it is incredibly soft . It is 100 % Merino Superwash , and has something like 750 yards on the skein . As always , the colors are great . Take a look . We also have recieved some new Mission Falls cotton in multi colors , which use colorways from their existing palette . They are quite interesting , I think you will agree . I believe that Nathalie is going to make a childs dress with the pinky one , and I am looking forward to seeing how the colors work up . I was hoping that spring was here , but it seems to be getting cold again . Not sure whether to start another warm project , or move onto all the lovely warm weather stuff ! Decisions Decisions ! From the MountainsIts been a year already , and here I am on the dreaded ski trip . I know , I said that I would never do it again , but the husband and kids seem to like it . This year we have chosen a place that is not in the middle of nowhere ( only just a little bit ) . We are at Club Med , at Tignes Val Claree . There is actually a little town down the road , with a few shops , nothing special , but better than last year . I have booked in at the spa for the next few mornings , which should keep me busy . Yesterday I took the funicular to the top of the mountain , where I saw some spectacular views . The photo doesn 't do it justice as I am to scared to go to close to the edge , but here goes . I have brought along some knitting , of course . The one that I have been working on most is the Salish Sea socks from the STR 2007 sock club . Believe it or not , I have never done a toe up sock . I am not sure that a Cat Bordi sock is the best one to do first , but the directions are pretty clear so far . I am on the arch expansion , and soon on to the heel . I love the color . Before I left , I made a discovery in my closet , one finished sock in Trekking Bamboo from months back . I am going to take the opportunity this week to try and make the other one as well . No photos of those though . Hopefully you are aware that Stash recieved a huge shipment of Dream in Color Smooshy last week . Get it while its hot ! See you back in London ! Posted by FinishedI finally finished the Cheri Amour , though not sure how happy I am with it . The pattern was easy , and worked up quickly . I chose it not only because I liked the styling , but because everyone on Ravelry looked good in it , no matter what their shape . I am not so sure about it on me , which is why I have only photographed the back . The front photos came out horrible , though I didn 't think it looked that bad in the mirror . My problem area is the tummy , and this sweater is tight in that area . Not sure its a good style for me . What would Trinny and Susannah say ? The other problem is that I followed the pattern , and blocked it to the measurements , and it is definately not as long as on the girl in the photo . Is she extremely short ? I should have noticed this as I was making it , but no way I am going back now . I 'll see if I can get someone else to take the photo later , maybe it will come out different . I am pretty proud to say that I have finished most of my WIP 's , and only have the Party lace scarf left . Hope to make some progress on that this week . In the meantime I have decided that I will make some jewelry with the goodies that I purchased in NYC . We have a new arrival in the shop today , Casbah sock yarn from Handmaiden , as well as a new shipment of Sea Silk . This time we decided to be daring , and get the yarns dyed in Fleece Artist colors . We are getting a bit tired of the others , even though they are lovely . Its good to try something new after nearly 2 years . Wouldn 't you say ? Been a whileI haven 't done a post here in what feels like forever . Since Ravelry came on the scene , its so easy to post all of my knitting projects there . It is also so dark here at the moment , that I feel like its evening all of the time . Not feeling particularly energetic in that respect . Anyway , we had a lovely holiday in the U . S . . First we went to New York , my old haunting ground . Its been such a long time since I spent more than an afternoon there . Our hotel was a block from Grand Central Station , so I was able to take the girls there every morning for yummy baked goods from Zaros , and the best coffee that side of the pond at Orens Daily Roast . All other coffee in the U . S . tastes like water to me since I have gotten used to drinking espresso ! We did the whole Mid - town sightseeing thing , Times Square , Rockefeller Center , and the Radio City Christmas Spectacular ( a must do that time of year ) . We hit all of our favorite restaurants , Carnagie Deli just to name one . Yummy ! ! ! ! Then it was on to Florida , and a cruise with my husbands family . You can see the photos below . I am not a boat person , so even though it was smooth as silk , I felt dizzy the whole time . It was alot of fun none the less . The weather was beautiful as you can see , now that what you call a beach ! We then spent the next week at my parents , where the weather was a beautiful and sunny 85F every day . Can 't beat that . Now its back to London where it is pretty much dark all of the time , and my eyes are burning because it makes me feel tired . The only good thing is that it is not freezing like New York . I did finish quite a few projects lately , here is a list : Monkey SocksFingerless Dashing GlovesCherie Amour ( body ) Chunky Scarf in Misti AlpacaI 've also been making jewelry since I took a class back in November . I made a bunch for teacher gifts , and didn 't take any photos . This is one for my mom with some beads that I bought in NYC , the mecca of all things . You can find anything there , just like London ( NOT ! ) . The first bead shop that I walked into was douPosted by I 'm a DIY kind of girl . When I see something in a shop , I think about how I can make it myself . I began knitting around the age of 13 , and am mostly self taught . I learned to sew about 6 years ago . View my complete profile
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Over the last few months I 've become more and more involved with the Edenfantasys site . I 've found more things to read , discussions to be apart of ( mainly the kink ones ) , toys I want ( I have this coming to me ) . Most importantly though , I have found new fuel for my addictions . I have a thing for candles . I really do . There are currently 14 of them in my bedroom . I also have a thing for lotions and oils , . . . . I 'm not going to count those though last time I did I had over 20 lotions . The oils have all but died out , they aren 't always the easiest thing to find . But EF has them . Right now I have a bottle of oil on its way to me , and I 'm lusting at the candles that turn into massage oil as they burn . I 'm not going to lie , part of the appeal of those candles is getting to pour warmed / hot oil over Cael . It 's just not something a sub generally gets to do , normally the dominant is the one with heated things , or evil paddles . And I totally realize that the oil wont get that hot , it 's meant for this but damn it , I 'm going to hold on to it anyways . Since Cael and I talked about what 's been happening things have changed a bit . Definitely for the better as far as I 'm concerned . I now have to send him a report each night detailing my exercise and diet . What I 've eaten and done essentially . I write down each meal , record each bit of exercise and send it all to him . As such I 've actually been doing exercises like I should have been the whole time . Turns out I really did need to lose more control there in order for it to work . He has me doing about an hour a day right now . Though today 's hour was mostly cleaning thanks to allergies . On the plus side though everything is clean , an my knees aren 't killing me . I did some yoga yesterday along with a few other things so I 'm a little sore . But not nearly as sore as I used to get so I am improving . I 've decided to only weigh myself once a week , seeing my weight go up even when I 'm exercising is just depressing on an every day basis . I know it 's going to take a bit to get the effects of the exercise but it 's discouraging to say the least . In the last few days I went in shopping and came home with some new make up and brushes . I love them . I also acquired a couple new shirts , one of which has a black and white pattern on it . . . most of my clothing is just solid colors so it 's a change . Trying to get comfortable without hiding behind things . I 've been a lot happier the last couple days . Caels around again , my rules are being enforced , I can curl up around him again , and he 's coming down soon . It 's a happy , scary , excited , worried , mix of things . I 'm just calm . And since I am calm I 'm going to try to nap . I haven 't really slept that much since Cael left , I never do . I 'm so owned . Because today I feel like I 'm drowning . I really don 't even know what this post is about . For the last while I 've been talking about how busy Cael is and how stressed he was . I talked about trying to behave and be understanding . Which is all well and good , but in the end . . . you can only do that so long before there 's a break in the dam . Before you drop a ball or two and wonder why you 're left holding nothing . I dropped the exercise . Which I have talked about several times , but today was the first day I actually took time out and thought about things . Cael said I had the week to think about it all and I thought I had solved it and found my explanation that night . Now , today . . . I don 't think I did . I think I spent so much time making sure that I wasn 't bothering him that I forgot about me . I forgot that I need him and I 've been spinning in circles for quite a while now . Sephi and I talked about some stuff the other day , and I realized that I seem to be on pause when he 's not around . I do day to day things , but in general my whole person pauses and waits for him to return . Which isn 't really a bad thing , but the last couple weeks he 's been busy , this week he 's visiting family , next week he has friends coming to stay with him . It wasn 't until he told me that he had friends coming out that I realized some of my issue was being on pause and thinking I was SO close to getting him back and getting my rules and everything enforced again . I need him in general but I really need that side of him I think . It wasn 't until then that I realized I am a little mixed up . That I really do NEED the punishments to set me back on track , because somewhere along the way I fell off of it . I don 't begrudge him having friends out , or going to visit family , or even the plans he has with other girls . I really don 't . What bugs me is that I want a part of him too , and that parts been missing lately . I 've felt insecure all day , I thought at first it was because he told me about some plans he had that in the abstract I 'm okay with , but full out knowingPosted by Irony is waiting weeks to be able to talk to somebody like normal again and the first conversation you have ends with you in tears , and in trouble . That 's how the conversation with Cael is going . He 's been very busy lately with school . School is done . He 's not busy anymore . He now has time to notice all the little things he didn 't before . He noticed the exercise , and that I didn 't tell him until it was too late . He seen the hole I 've been slipping into for weeks for now . I didn 't tell him because I didn 't want to make things harder for him . He was already stressed . So , I just kept it to myself . And now I 'm in trouble . I broke my exercise rule and I kept things from him . I wrote on here about it all a bit , hoping he would see it and I would get in trouble and be pushed again and he was too busy to see what was happening . When that happens I 'm supposed to tell him and I didn 't . I now have to report to him every night about my diet and exercise . Part of me is happy about it . The other part is hoping it doesn 't stop . I don 't blame him for being busy or missing things at all , I do it too when I get busy . It just sucks sometimes . He told me that he thinks I 'm scared to lose the weight incase I 'm still not happy , or things don 't turn out like I think they will so its easier to stay the way I am . And I think he 's partly right . But I know the other part of it is I need the drive , that push , I need to know that if I fuck up he 's going to punish me or it just doesn 't happen . His rule is if I don 't do my exercises , and do them properly I can 't orgasm or play with my toys . Aside from one night when him and I played I have not touched my toys in over a month . I still followed every other rule I have , but not the exercise rule . And why ? I don 't know . Other than the previous things mentioned I cannot find a reason why its this rule that continues to fuck me up . Cael mentioned that I need to start doing my exercise or he 'll drive down here to punish me if that 's what 's needed . Part of me happy that he 'd do it . The other part doesn 't beliPosted by Cael has been gone a few hours . Just a couple hours , not days , not even 6 hours . Nope . And yet ? Sephi has gotten me trying to lick my elbow . I have tried to lick my nose . Sephi and I have discussed three handed masturbation . . . we really should be born with a third arm . I 've lusted at make up . I 've browsed lingerie . I 've written another post for Eden Cafe . ( both links will be posted when they go up ) I 've had a talk with my dog about barking at stray cats and how she shouldn 't do it because they 're homeless . And she listened . I 've skipped around the kitchen . I 've chased my cat . I 've watched reruns of Roseanne . This week ? Should be a hoot . I ? Am off to phone Lady Di . . . . I 'm getting my post done early today . Or ya know , it could have something to do with probably getting in trouble for something I 'm going to write and not wanting to spend all night procrastinating so Cael doesn 't kick my ass . This way ? He gets it sooner , my ass get kicked sooner and we all move on merrily : ) First though , mundane not gonna get myself in trouble stuff . I 've activated google calendar and have set it up so Cael has access to it . Right now I 'm tracking when posts are due ( I write a lot of stuff in a month btw ) , when I 'm getting groceries , everyday type stuff . I 've set it up so once Cael has spare time he can add things , or even just track my days better . Hell , there 's even day or agenda settings so he can schedule my days hour by hour if he wanted . I may be begging for control . Perhaps . I ended up going in a day early for groceries this week . My mom has her holiday stat Monday - Thursday and it made more sense to go into to town early and be able to say home for the rest of the week . I also plan on doing a turkey on Wednesday , since it is technically her days off for Easter . It 's currently sitting in the sink , my bread crumbs are drying out . . . and I am turning into June Cleaver . Seriously . Wtf me ? Carrying on that statement , I got my herb seeds yesterday . I spent a few minutes planting them in one of those little plastic " faux " greenhouses . It 's sitting in the window waiting to sprout . I got Basil and Parsley . . . I use quite a bit of both . I also got a couple of packets of flowers . I 've had a thing for them lately and if I can get them growing in little pots in the house I should be able to keep them . Ones a wildflower mixed packet , the other is a " zebrina malva " flower that I quite like . As far as veggies . . . last years huge fail has put me off it a bit . Maybe if I can eventually put them in the ground instead of doing pots they 'd do better . But , in the pots they don 't tend to end up with weeds . I hate picking weeds , thus . . . they are probably not being planted . Cael and I talked the other day about moving anPosted by . . . apologizing when you realize you 've been a pain in the ass . . . . listening even when you don 't want to . . . . sucking it up for him even when you don 't want to . . . . choosing to push forward when you want to fall apart . . . . accepting that he 's busy and TRYING not to pester him . . . . trusting . . . . swallowing my pride and letting him pay for a house for us . . . . learning his standards and expectations . . . . telling him the truth no matter what . . . . longing for him and not letting it drag me down . . . . needing a spanking / flogging / to be bruised and having to wait , and not letting it drag me down . . . . lusting after the ring of steel collars and looking forward to the day he puts one on my neck . . . . wanting and at times begging to be marked as his , whether it 's a bruise or a collar . . . . exercising my limited amount of patience on numerous things . . . . waiting to move to be with him , and doing it gracefully , not pouting about it . . . . being strong enough to keep moving forward when he 's not leading me at the time . . . . learning to accept small absences without getting sad . . . . realizing that sometimes bawling is better than holding the hurt and miss in , and letting it seep into my days . . . . hard . But worth it . 100 times over even . I ? Am definitely a work in progress . But , then who isn 't ? I don 't really have much , if anything to say . Cael and I had an issue yesterday , there was a mistake made , and we worked it out . We 're okay . It 's just something I haven 't completely shaken yet , though I will . I luff him to pieces , and I 'm not going anywhere , I want to be with him . . . but because this was so recent I 'm still in the feeling off stage of it . Though I have made progress in sending him pictures and becoming more secure and comfortable that way . I want to be told I 'm luffed and being kept . I want a hand at my neck , showing me my place . I need curled close to and shown I 'm cared for . I ? Have an insecure . I 've been poking around EdenFantasys for a while now , and by far one of my favorite features is the safety information for each toy . I myself am a bit of a clean freak , and have leanings towards germaphobe . So this feature ? Huge to me . Silicone and Glass toys are well - known for being share - safe . This is because they can be boiled and sanitized . Most product pages ( such as this one , scroll down close to the bottom ) tell you how to clean it , where it falls on the safety scale ( glass and pure silicone are 10 's btw ) , whether or not it can be sanitized / boiled , and even what lubes are compatible with the toy so you don 't end up wrecking it . Now , the lube thing is good info , but the safety . . . that 's huge . Cael and I have been talking about this a lot lately , and have decided we 'd eventually like to play with other girls . And when we do ? I 'll be going shopping on EF again , because I KNOW I can trust their ratings and safety guidelines . Keeping me and those I choose to play with safe is always a priority . ( P . s . Not all toys are able to be boiled ! ! Toys that have batteries , or anything but pure silicone , glass , metal , etc . Should not be boiled unless otherwise stated . Materials can and do melt and you 'll be left with dildo soup . Maybe next post I 'll tell you about fire and your toys : D ) " Round and round the gardenLike a Teddybear . One step , two stepTickle you under there " My Aunt used to say that to my brother all the time when he was little and it 's stuck with me . Right now I feel like I 'm going " Round and round the garden . " Caels schooling is taking more of his time lately as I 've mentioned . What I haven 't said is it 's taking more of his attention , more of his energy and is in the priority spot right now . Which while I miss him and want his attention , I totally understand . I know I 'm still important to him , I know he makes time for me and I know he feels bad that he can 't give me more of himself . I get that and I appreciate it . I completely understand why his schooling needs his attention right now , and I even agree with him and encourage it . Doing this schooling will get him a better job , it will help him a lot and in the end when I move it 'll help us . Which is great , getting to that point though . . . the point where I 'm moved up with him , he 's done with the schooling and we 're where we 're supposed to be . . . that 's a lot of work , and it 's hard , and some days it just plain sucks . Sephi and I have been talking about it a lot lately . We talked about the big girl slub panties that need to be put on so we can deal with this type of thing . It 's not always a BDSM dream , it doesn 't always take precedence . Sometimes reality steps in and pushes that dream aside . It 's still there in the background , always present but not as in your face , or important . And that ? Is hard some days . Not because I 'm pouting or throwing a fit about it all or even missing it / him though I do . It 's finding my footing with it . I 'm not sure where I belong or what I should be doing when I 'm not firmly in that " You are my slub , and you listen to me place . " I know I 'm still his , still owned , still submissive to him , my physical place is still at his side to support him . That 's the easy part . Trying to work out what I can just go ahead and do on my own without his guidance or say so is the hard part . Do I revert to the vanilla gf mode like IPosted by Just as the title says , I miss Cael . Which is ridiculous because I 've talked to him today . I 've stated before that it takes very little for me to miss him and it 's very true . I think part of why I 'm missing him lately is it 's mixed with a bit of concern . As for why I 'm concerned it 's been addressed as much as I 'm willing to delve into it in previous posts . He was fairly busy yesterday , he 's had headaches and he 's either gone to rest or I 've told him to go . He 's been very busy with school and tests and studying . And the distance is definitely getting to us both . He 's stopped doing the little things he used to . . . the little text - based hugs or touches . He 's stopped because it 's too hard , it reminds him he can 't do it in person right now . I understand why he 's stopped and it even makes sense , but it 's another piece of him I miss . Part of me is terrified of the outcome when he sees me . The rest of me is going to want to curl up with him and not let go for days . Honestly , once he 's grabbed me or touched me enough or pinned me and tried inhaling my face I 'll be comfortable then I WILL be wrapped around him for days refusing to let go . Whether he comes here or I go up to where he is nobody will see us for days the first time we actually get to be together . I have many many luffs to cover him with . Being able to touch him is going to be so unreal for the first while . Giggles and squeals of " I CAN REACH YOU ! ! " " LOOK LOOK I CAN TOUCH YOU ! ! " will happen quite a lot . It 's a very good thing he 's used to me already : DI 've been asked why I stay with Cael . I 've had guys try to put him down to me for various reasons . I find it almost funny . These people clearly don 't know me very well . They don 't know how determined I am . They don 't know what he means to me , or how much I 've fallen for him , or how serious I am about him . Most of them are motivated by jealousy , or lust , or just plain bitchiness . With each comment made they have no idea it makes me realize how lucky I am to have Cael , how little they know about me , and how much Cael mPosted by The last little while I 've had quite a few thoughts . Some of them good , some bad , some really don 't matter at all . Last night Cael and I talked about it and I think he finally drilled it into my head that he 's not going anywhere no matter what . We want each other around so I think we 'll be spending time together sooner than I thought . Before I lose weight that is . I 'm tired of waiting , and I know he is too . It 's still a little scary , I 'm still unsure and timid with the idea but it needs to happen . I know that . I need to get over this and be with him before one of us loses it . He 's told me time and time again that he wants me , that it 's me no matter what I look like and I need to trust that . Sephi and I had a conversation about it and I sent it to him . There were some suggestions that may help over come this and even more detail than I may have given him . I know Sephi gets , she has been / is where I am with things a lot of time so she 's easy to talk to . It 's hard talking to somebody about something and knowing that in a million years they wont get it . I 'm not saying that 's what it 's like with Cael because it 's not . I know he gets it , but I 'm not as vulnerable with Sephi . . . . not that he doesn 't get told or shown anything anyways . So for now , I sit and wait to see what he says about the conversation when he gets a chance to read it and see what changes , or if we keep going with what he 's set up . Slavery . It 's a lot of waiting : ) Cael and I also talked about control and dominance recently . Turns out , I have some control ! I know ! ! Another point against me for slub of the year . I don 't have much control , but I have some . I can tell him what I 'm thinking and feeling and more often than not it changes things . Basically , I get the control that he allows . It 's almost impossible to explain how you can have control and still be submissive and follow what he wants . I can 't even get it straight in my head enough to explain it and I live it everyday . I 've also been thinking about natural submission versus fetish submission . For the lPosted by So , I just got an email informing me that I overlooked some questions in March 's Question Month and this person wanted to know if it was because of the nature of the question . It definitely wasn 't . I didn 't intentionally not answer any questions so if yours didn 't get answered send me an email reminding me and they will get done . Now , on to the questions I missed . I was wondering if you ever missed b ? I mean I know you 're with cael and happy with him but do you ever miss aspects or parts of b that cael doesn 't have ? I definitely do not miss B . You know how the further away from things you get , the more clearly you see them ? That 's what this is to me in a way . Looking back I can see that it was so not a good relationship . It wasn 't stable or healthy at all . It wasn 't equal in terms of affection , and I never once felt like I was wanted , appreciated , or even really cared for . So why did I stay ? Because it was the first dominant / submissive relationship I had . I enjoyed that part of it and at the time didn 't separate it from him . When he first left I missed what we had , but that grew less and less rather rapidly . When Cael and I started getting closer I wanted to call him master , it was a pretty big urge , but again that 's gone too . Everything with B was so forced . I forced myself to submit , I forced myself to call him daddy , I forced the entire relationship into being what I wanted / needed but it never quite made it . I totally faked it . It wasn 't a comfortable safe place , I wasn 't really happy , I wasn 't at home with him , I didn 't really enjoy his company . . . we were so not suited for each other . You know how people talk a lot about pheromones and their scent for each other , how even after hours on a plane a person can smell amazing to them ? Him and I did not mesh like that . I couldn 't stand the smell him even when he wore his expensive cologne , or just after he got out of the shower . I hated sleeping in his bed for that reason too , all I could smell was him and I didn 't respond to it well at all . It got to the point where ISerene . . . . there was a girl who lived in a rainbow colored castle , who had a rainbow colored unicorn and rainbow colored hair . Yeah . I got nothin ' . I think I 'm starting to come down with a cold . My throat is sore and I 'm way too fricken hot . Everybody in my house has a cold so it seems likely . I 'm getting some more vitamin C pills since I 'm almost out and I 'm contemplating getting vitamin D pills as well . I 've been sick so much lately . I just got over a cold that destroyed my exercise and diet routine and it 's finally back on track . I don 't want to ruin it all again . Today I wrote a post for Eden Cafe . When it goes up I 'll make sure to share the link . I also finished up a book of sociology . Five hours and 74 typed pages later , that is . Cael is going on a trip over the Easter break . Remember what happened when he went on a trip for the weekend ? Yeah . A whole week of the insanity . I 'll miss him like hell . . . I can text him . . but I don 't like to . I don 't like bothering him when he 's off visiting people , especially when I know he needs the break from stuff . So , during that week I 'll do school work . . and exercise . . and twiddle my fingers and bug Sephi . . . and that should kill a day or two . And now , because I 've run out of things to say . . . and because I have to go wrestle my cat to get her to take her medicine ( seriously , who wants to give a cat drops that you have to wrestle her down and pry her mouth open for ? She wont eat her food if we put it on there so it has to be done . I 'm sure she 's part ninja ) that 's all for tonight . Well , I 'm going to babble . Why am I going to babble ? Because Cael has a headache . He gets REALLY bad ones and I worry about him , they have developed other issues but I 'm so not even close to being ready to blog about that . But , I do worry . When he gets these headaches I want to help him so much because I know how much they hurt him . But , there is absolutely nothing I can do . so , when he gets a headache I love on him a bit . If he tells me he 's laying down I give him an hour or so and check on him . Basically , I try to leave him alone as much as I can . Which if you 've been reading here long you know isn 't easy . I miss him very easily . He is so ingrained in my that an hour or two go by where I haven 't heard from him I definitely notice . Add that to knowing he 's in pain / uncomfortable . . . it sucks . I soo want a magic wand . In good news though I managed to get outside to walk . FINALLY . It was cool but I needed to do it . I 've made it the week that Cael required to get my reward . Which right now is reintroducing play time . Which I am totally having mixed feelings about . On one hand I know he 's having trouble with his nymphomania , I know he 's busy and stressed and getting headaches and I don 't want to make any of that worse . On the other hand though . . I want him . Badly . He can make one comment and make my whole body respond without even touching me . I LOVE playing with him . So , when that happens we see how it affects him , if it 's not good then we find something else . I try so hard to take care of him from where I am and I can 't really . I am so looking forward to moving and being with him where I can rub his back or get his pills , or anything else . So , on the heels of that I was thinking yesterday that maybe I 'll just lose a few pounds to get a bit more comfortable and have him come down . Losing the large amount I wanted at first is just too hard . I want him around . And that ? Scared me . I was scared that he 'd leave if he didn 't get down here soon , or if he seen me and didn 't like what he seen . Add that to the last post about bePosted by That has been my night . Aflou . Without going into details , I 'll just say that Caels nymphomania is " flaring up " and I need to type . I need somewhere to put this where I don 't feel like I 'm bothering him because lets face it , he 's who I talk to about it . His nymphomania doesn 't bother me . I don 't see it as a big issue . There are times , like now where it needs to be dealt with and taken care of . We 've been talking about therapy , and I 've found one that does couples counseling for it which I think would be good when I move even if he does keep going on his own and it 's an every other month thing . It 's something we both live with , just on opposite ends of the scale . I 'm sure part of the flare up is due to stress , he 's had soo much of it for the last year . I also have a friend who has a mild version of nymphomania ( who refuses to let me tell anybody in any way shape or form aside from this blog because its anonymous ) and he told me that having his gf live with him helped a lot . The intimacy of it all , the touches and day - to - day intimacies helped . So , I 'm hoping that it works for Cael that way too . I want to be able to help , at least a little which is another reason I want to do the couples counseling , or even find one just for me if he doesn 't want to go with me . What 's scaring me right now is the thought that he may decide he doesn 't want this / me anymore because he 's having these issues . Or that when / if he goes to counseling for it he 'll decide this isn 't good for him . This scares me , and I want the reassurance but I know he 's stressed and unhappy about the situation already , I don 't want to add to it . I 've also been looking at a few counseling websites , and quite a few of them are geared towards women with these sexual " issues " or claim that they can change the way you view fetishes . I like his fetishes . I 'd rather he kept them . Today was a fairly slow day . I exercised this morning as usual . I 've been doing fairly well with it . It 's not as intense or long as I 'd like to get to . Stretching , weights , a bit of cardio , hoping to be able to go on walks soon . Stupid weather . Other than that I cleaned up my room . I had dvds on the table ( and in the living room ) and a few drawers open among a few other things . That 's definitely one thing I will not miss when I move . If there is one or two things out - of - place in my room it looks like a bomb went off because it 's so crowded . Since cleaning I 've made my grocery list , all healthy meals ( go me ! ) and have been talking to Cael . That 's about it for today . It 's been very boring yet insanely tiring . Now , I 'm off to make supper . Hopefully there is something going on soon so I have more to blog about . I 've been involved in the BDSM lifestyle for a few years now . In this time I have learned quite a few things merely by stumbling into them . I have compiled a list with a few of these lessons in hopes to save some of the bruises I received . Or at least give you new things to try . These are all things I 've done . A few of these may be done on a regular basis . Okay , perhaps most of them are done on a regular basis . When receiving a spanking , do not call out " Use your words ! ! " It will get you nowhere . I can 't even begin to count the number of times I have gotten an arched eyebrow in response to something I 've said . Including threatening to wax said eyebrow off so he couldn 't use it . I think this was bad for obvious reasons . The words " I dare you " should never be uttered . You will lose that bet . " It was just a lucky shot " and " Bet you couldn 't do that again " also fall into the previously mentioned category . As does " That won 't fit ! " because believe me , it WILL . During an argument the phrases " You can 't make me " or " Who made you boss ? " are never valid . They can in fact make you , and well … you made them boss . Threatening to punish your dominant , be it physically or otherwise will only cause laughter . Generally a lot of it . Offering stickers for your dominants good behaviour is not appropriate . Apparently . . Do not smack your dominants ass as they walk by unless you 're faster than they are and can escape . Never assume you 're faster than your dominant . You are not . When woken up at 3am to get your dominant a glass of water , growling , " Get it yourself ! " will not go over well and you will find yourself face down sleeping on the floor . Recently I made a purchase from EdenFantasys . I 'm sure you 're all shocked . One of the toys was the Emigi . While it is technically a kegel exerciser I still consider it a toy . I love this thing ! I really like wearing it around the house , though it has made it out while shopping . It has little weights in it that move around with your body . Not going to lie . . I may wiggle more as I walk when I wear this thing . I love the feeling of the weights moving inside . I 've also already noticed a difference in muscle strength and I 've it not even a full month I don 't think . Right now I 'm perusing the site , page after page trying to decide what I want to get next . There are soo many things . I am honestly at a loss right now , there quite a few things I 'd like . . it 's really a matter of narrowing it down into lists . I 'm accumulating quite a wish list . . . . . Ketchup . . . Catch - up . . . . get it ? Good . Currently I am baking bread . Once the bread is done I 'm getting dressed and going out to an outdoor show in town . . . lots of walking . Exercise win ! I 've been doing better with the exercise . At least for the last few days . Of course this means I 'm getting stiff / sore again . . . . . well , my ass is . Why is it that my ass is always the first thing to get sore ? That 's just weird . Now , I 'll expand on something I wrote about yesterday . . . I was exhausted when I wrote it and forgot half I wanted to say : ) I 'm defining this as C / s because he and I aren 't typical in . . anything really . : ) The only similarities or aspects that fit definitions of the lifestyle is he is dominant and I follow his lead . We very much do our own thing and I never know how to explain or summarize that on here so I finally just made one up . I do very little without asking his permission . . . even things I know he 'll let me do I generally mention them . But , at the same time I have quite a bit of freedom . I think it would take a whole post to write out everything , but this is a basic summary . And , now for things I completely forgot about1 . I am now sending Cael update pictures for every ten pounds I lose . Which really works well considering I 'm taking this in ten pound increments . I have quite a few of them to lose , so he 'll be getting quite a few pictures but I just keep reminding myself that it 's worth it . It 's a good thing . He 's helping . He 's not running , he 's still here . I don 't think I 'll tell him what I weigh right now , I 'm not sure he or I could handle that but when I lose it . . . then I think I could do it . 2 . When I lose the weight and get down to where we want I get a reward . I plan on buying myself this gorgeous sapphire ring . Now ? Cael has decided that he 's going to take me to Ireland as well . Which lets face it . . . I love . I 'm oddly attached / connected to the forests and nature here . . . going there will probably only strengthen that . Not looking forward to the flight though . At all . And now ? My bread is done .
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The stories in this space will come from various places . Some stories come from books other stories from people in the north . Where known I will give credit to the author . I do not vouch for the factualness of some of the stories . It will I hope reflect the spirit of the north , of the people who call it home , and the church that serves the Almighty in it . I will change these stories regularly . If you have a story to share of the high north , ( that is NT , Yukon and Northern Quebec ) , its people or its Church past or present , pass it on to me and if appropriate I it will appear in this spot . My address will be at the end of this section . THE REV . ANNIE ITTOSHAT May 12 , 2014 , the Rev . Annie Ittoshat of Kuujjuaraapik ( Great Whale River ) Nunavik graduated Wycliffe College with an MDiv . We believe Annie is the first Inuk to complete this program at Wycliffe . We are all so proud of you Annie . Well done ! Below are some photos from Annie 's convocation . For me , it began in the Charles Camsell Hospital in Edmonton , in early December 1948 . I was on my way to the far North with my husband who had been appointed Canon of the Cathedral in AKLAVIK in the Northwest Territories Canada . We heard that there were some of his people in the hospital and the Chaplain offered to take as round the wards to meet them . Camsell is a large hospital for advanced TB cases who cannot be treated properly in the Northern hospitals . We found many Indians and Eskimos who wanted to send letters , gifts or messages to their people , whom , in some cases , they had not seen for many years . While walking along one of the corridors I noticed a beautiful little Indian boy of about five years old , laughing and dancing in his cot . I went over to speak to him and as he turned its full face I saw that it was terribly scarred all over one side . I was told he had been mauled by sledge dogs . Next morning we left Edmonton early in the morning by Canadian Pacific Airways and as soon as it was light we saw that we were flying over an apparently deserted land of endless frozen rivers , lakes and woods , all clearly outlined in their winter mantle of white . It got colder and colder as we flew North and we began to realise that our ordinary winter clothes were not going to be much use for the Northern Areas to which we were flying . The plane , apart from the cold was most comfortable , and we were well looked after by a pretty little Stewardess . About lunchtime she came along to say that the luncheon sandwiches were frozen , and we would have to wait until our next stop when she would get them unfrozen ! At each stop where we re - fuelled or picked up mail or freight , we got out of the plane and walked to the Canadian Pacific Airways hut to get warmed . . At Fort Simpson we got our lunch unfrozen and were very glad to get large cups of steaming hot coffee . Finally , about 4 : 30 PM we arrived in Norman Wells , where we were to spend the night . We were the only passengers going on to Aklavik . Norman Wells is the most northerly oil refinery in the world and is owned by the Imperial Oil Company . The charming manager , Mr . McKenzie very kindly invited us to come down and stay at their guesthouse . An old Army wagon bumped us along for about a mile and then we were led to our quarters . What a place to find in the frozen North ! The rooms were so hot we had to leave the doors opened a little , though the temperature outside was 40 ° below zero . We had the place to ourselves - a sitting room , office and three bedrooms from which to choose ! A bathroom with shower and of all things , modern plumbing - the last we were to see for years ! ! The Imperial Oil Company . have certainly made their people comfortable . The married people have houses , the single ones have attractive bed sitting rooms and everyone eats in a communal dining hall . there are recreation rooms , Canteens and Curling rinks . They have overcome the difficulty of frozen sewerage by running steam heated pipes alongside all the water and sewerage pipes . In fact the greatest problem is to get cold water ! We thought we were there for one night but actually were destined to stay for a week . In the North transport during the winter is very uncertain because of the short days and the bad weather conditions . It was in the small modern hospital there that I learnt the full story of my little Indian boy in the Edmonton Hospital . A fine young doctor and his wife were running the hospital and we spent many interesting hours with them - both Bob and Lavina Delaney had loved their time in the North - they asked us if we had seen Norman Hodgson whom the doctor had attended after he had been mauled by dogs . On hearing that I had spoken to him , they arrange for me to go by snowmobile to see his mother and tell her about his progress - but Norman 's father had been a white trapper who had accidentally shot himself some years before . His mother , a full - blooded Indian had married again , and was now Cecilia Tourmagean . She had six children by her first husband , and already had three more by her second husband , who was a half bred trapper ; the eldest 2 1 / 2 years , the youngest three months . They were living in a good log cabin , high up on the banks of the Mackenzie River , about 10 miles from Norman Wells . It was the first time , Cecilia had ever lived in a permanent home , and she was looking forward to cultivating the garden , which he had fenced in round the cabin . It was a beautiful setting when I saw it that December afternoon . The little log cabin set in a clearing in the spruce forest . Across the river far beyond the interminable lakes and spruce forests Cecilia told us the story as we sat round the wood stove in the cabin . One morning at the end of September her husband Pat decided that he would take the dog team , and go off for one last day 's fishing before the ice closed in on the river . Winter had come early - snow had been falling steadily and was getting deeper and deeper each day , and wolves had been heard howling around the cabin at night . It was a nice bright morning when he set off about 10 AM seen off by Cecilia and the children , all waving and laughing as the dog team sped swiftly down the bank and out of sight round the bend in the river . Cecilia went back into the house to attend the babies and left three children playing outside . Suddenly , about two hours later her heart stood still she had the ugly sound of snarling dogs and the screams of children . She flew to the door and she opened it , in fell little Kenneth aged four and Edith but Norman was on the ground and the dogs were tearing him to pieces before her eyes . She lifted the gun , which always stood loaded by the door but dared not shoot because of the child . Then , without any thought of her own danger she rushed that the dogs , tore the little senseless bleeding child from them and ran towards the house . She had to hold him high above her head , as the dogs were jumping up all round her , trying to get at him again . She reached the gun , put the child down and in the second she took to lift the gun one of the dogs was on him again but with a steady hand she pulled the trigger and the dog fell dead . The others made off into the bush . The child was still alive , but his injuries were so terrible she could do nothing . By this time the short day was beginning to get dark . She dare not leave the boy or her babies to try and get a doctor . What should she do ? Then Edith , who the night before had been hiding her head under the bed clothes when the wolves howling outside , volunteered to walk 8 miles through the darkness to the signal station . They would send a message to the doctor . Neither she , nor her mother thought it was heroic . It was simply a part of their life . So that little girl armed with a gun , in case she was attacked by wolves , set out to walk 8 miles along the dark silent river bank in soft snow . It took her several hours , and when she arrived there , a very wet , tired , scared little girl . The men told me that she had told her story and then fell fast asleep from exhaustion and emotion , while they removed her wet clothing and wrapped her in warm blankets . By this time the message and been sent to the Doctor , and he was on his way down the river by motor - boat . When he saw the terrible injuries , he did not think the child could possibly live , but he gave what ease he could by injections , and then brought Norman and his mother and the baby into the Hospital . Pat had arrived home and was able to tell what had happened . When he arrived at his fishing ground - he got into the boat and the dogs were coming along the bank . After one bend in the river , he missed the dogs , and landing on the bank he saw that they had broken the leads and disappeared . He immediately started for home , but did not arrive until some hours after the tragedy . As soon as they got to the hospital , the doctor started to sew up the terrible wounds and then discovered that the nose was completely missing . But no , Cecilia , who had stayed all through the gruesome operation , produced it from a clean handkerchief , and it was stitched on . The doctor told me that even through the agony the child smiled and never once did utter a cry . By some miracle , he lived , and as soon as possible , he was flown into Edmonton where I saw him well on the way to complete recovery . He is home now for a few months , but it will take much plastic surgery to heal those terrible scars , and he will be in and out of hospital for many months . While at the cabin one of the children came to tell us that there was a wolf in one of the traps , so I went to see with the Royal Canadian Mounted constable who was on the trip with us . What a brute ! A huge grey shaggy dog , which had almost gnawed through the leg caught in the trap in its efforts to get away . He shot it , but when I thought of little Edith going out all alone into the darkness , knowing that she might meet a pack of these beats , my admiration mounted . When I was coming North , all the old - timers told me I must remember that if I were on a trail and how the jingle of bells , I must at once get off the trail and leave plenty of room for the dog team to pass . They will attack anyone in their direct path . or anyone , child or adult who is on the ground . If Norman had not fallen as he ran away when he saw the dogs approaching , they probably would not have touched him . As it was , he fell , and the dogs immediately fell on him . In the North one does not carelessly try to make overtures to a native owned dog . Bishop David 's sons all took part in the service . Each of the readings were done in both English and Inuktitut . Here Matthew is joined by layleader Lew Philip in reading the Epistle . Here Davey is joined by Sarah Philip in the Psalm . Our bishops both new and retired presided at the communion . Bishop Andrew , Bishop Chris , Bishop Darren and Bishop David . Isn 't it special the way the light from the dome is shining down on them all . During the service Capt . Cyrus Blanchet was Bishop David 's chaplain . Our chancellor Glenn Tait was on hand to install our new diocesan . After the service there was time for more photos and there were lots . Here again are retired Bishop Chris , Suffragan Bishop Darren , Bishop David and retired Bishop Andrew Part IEver since childhood , I have been fascinated with our Canadian arctic and full of admiration for the clergy , and their families , who established the Anglican faith in the arctic - a lifeline across the north , just below the North Pole . And I often dreamed that someday , I too , might journey north to visit this remote frozen part of Canada and to meet the people . In 2005 , arson destroyed the igloo - shaped St . Jude 's Cathedral in Iqaluit on the shores of Frobisher Bay at the eastern mouth of the Northwest Passage . St . Jude was the saint who gave hope and help to those in desperate circumstances . This cathedral provided many invaluable outreach programmes that served the smaller parishes across the Arctic . It disturbed me to think what the loss of this church would mean to this vast diocese . As Anglicans , we were asked to pray and to consider how we might help in some small way . Where does one begin ? I started by contacting Debra Gill in Yellowknife whom I had met previously . Debra is the Executive Officer for Bishop Andrew Atagotaaluk in the Diocese of the Arctic . She informed me that plans were already on the drawing board for a new igloo - shaped St . Jude 's Cathedral . But where could the funds , between $ 5 - 6 million , be found to finance this reconstruction ? When I was asked to help raise funds for the new Cathedral in those Canadian dioceses south of the Arctic , I could only think of this as outreach beyond my own church , St . Margaret 's , Vanier in the diocese of Ottawa . St . Margaret 's is the church in Ottawa with the largest congregation of Inuit / Inuk . They can join in with the early morning service or can attend a later morning service held in both English and Inuktitut . When taking on a challenge , I always like to have an initial idea of what might be involved , so - In early June , 2007 , I flew north to spend a short weekend in Iqaluit and ended up sitting at a large round table chaired by Bishop Andrew Atagotaaluk , Inuit clergy , local fund - raisers , architects and several parishioners . I had been invited to join a planning and fund - raising committee to discuss / consider how to move forward with the reconstruction of St . Jude 's Cathedral . This meeting was fascinating as ideas were being discussed in both English & Inuktitut . But all were keen to help develop a re - building plan . The next day I attended the Sunday morning ground - breaking service which was held outside at the site where the old cathedral had stood and where the new St . Jude 's would be rebuilt . The retired Suffragan Bishop Paul Idlout turned the sod for the new cathedral using the same silver shovel that Queen Elizabeth had used in 1970 for the sod turning for the first St . Jude 's . Outside in - 4 C weather , hymns & prayers were joyously melded together in both Inuktitut & English . I found it very moving . Following the service , the congregation of almost 200 filed into the Parish Hall , a large hall built on " stilts " . Here we sat at long , long tables and benches for a caribou stew & bannock feast . The caribou had been especially hunted for this occasion . It had been skinned and then the meat removed from the carcass for the stew . The carcass was left in a corner of the Parish Hall where grace and thanks could be given for this special feast . The parishioners were all so welcoming and despite language differences we were able to share this meal and communicate with much joking , laughter and , on my part , the waving of hands . The next day I left Iqaluit to return home to Ottawa , having made a commitment to help The eldest among the Inuit of southern Baffin Island still speak of a short , thickset man who lived among them at the turn of the century and visited them periodically by ship for many years thereafter . They called him Uqammak - the one who speaks well . But he did far more than just speak well . He brought Christianity and literacy to Baffin Island as he had done earlier to the east coast of Hudson Bay . Nonnative history remembers him as the Reverend Edmund James Peck and often refers to him as The Apostle to the Eskimo . In 1875 Bishop John Horden of Moose Factory wrote to the Church Missionary Society in England , asking them for a missionary to come to Canada to work with the Inuit of Hudson Bay . The Society interviewed a young sailor , turned theology student , named Edmund James Peck . When they asked him what climate , he preferred , he replied " Cold , " and added that he wanted to be sent to the " wildest and roughest mission - field in the world . " The Society accepted him for training that same year , and in June of the following year he got his wish , for he was sent to Hudson Bay . Peck 's mission was at the Hudson 's Bay Company 's post at Little Whale River . He realized early that " the first work of every missionary is to acquire the language of the people as well as gain their confidence , " and at Little Whale River he set himself a tortuous program of learning both Inuktitut and Cree . " My plan , " he wrote , " is to write down some simple words and sentences . I then get the corresponding Indian or Esquimaux words . . . I find all very willing to help me , for which I am indeed thankful . My daily collection averages from eighty to a hundred words . These are learned the following day , and brought into use as soon as possible . . . " Peck was a man not easily satisfied . He considered himself a master of the Inuktitut language only after six hours of student daily for seven years . The young missionary was not content , however , to simply master the native language and preach in it . He wanted also to protranscribed material into it , and taught reading and writing skills to all who would listen . He noted that they are very eager to learn . Missionary to the InuitTo the Top of the Page The Bishop Who Almost Lost His Ring [ Marker ] ( as told to me by Mrs . Sarah Simons ) There are many strange and unusual things that happened under the midnight sun , as one traveled down the great Mackenzie River to the vast Arctic wilderness . Some are funny , some are sad , and many will never be know . But let me share one of these tales with you that I have only just discovered myself . Introduction Mrs . Sarah Simons is the wife of the late Rev . James Simons Both are members of the Gwich ' in Nation . They grew up in Fort McPherson and when James received his call to the ministry part of his training was done in Hay River . Bishop Archibald Fleming picked Sarah and James up to take them back north . This is where the story picks up . Everyone who knows anything about northern history knows the story of the Bishop who ate his boots . This is even more true of any one interested in the history of the church in the north . But how many of us have heard the story the Bishop who almost lost his ring . To be more to the point his ecclesiastical ring . In this story related to me by Mrs . Sarah Simons of Fort McPherson , the story is not only how the Bishop almost lost his ring , but as the question who 's ring is it real ? You read the story , you be the judge . After James and Sarah Simons were anxious to get back down river to Fort McPherson and home . They had just finished some training for the ministry . I say " they " because Sarah says they taught her almost as much as the taught him . They were met by the Rt . Rev . Archibald Fleming the first Bishop of the Arctic and together they boarded to river boat to take them down river towards the arctic circle and home . As they traveled down river the boat made many stops and in each the Bishop and his party would disembark and met people and in most case conduct a worship service . Sometimes it would be morning or evening prayer , but usually it was Holy Communion because ordained clergy who could conduct an Anglican Communion Service were few and far between , so people wanted this sacrament when ordained clergy came by . Now for babies born since the last clergyman 's visit . It was at one of these stops that the incident in question took place . The Bishop 's party had just landed in Fort Norman when one of the church leader approached Bishop Fleming that they had a wedding to perform and he could not leave with out doing it . The Couple had waited several months and finally just moved in with each other and now a child was involved . So now only did he have a wedding to perform but a baptism as well . Beside all that many were waiting to have Holy Communion . With this tall task awaiting him , the Bishop rose to the occasion and asked to be lead to the church . The church was full when Bishop Fleming entered the church . He suggested the proper order would be the wedding first , then the Baptism Service and ending with a service of Holy Communion . During the Wedding service it came time for the groom to put the wedding ring on the bride . The problem arose when it was discovered that there was no wedding ring . The groom did not think it was necessary . Not so the Bishop . He said you needed a room even if it was borrowed for the occasion . He requested that someone loan them a ring for the service . No response come . Sarah was sitting beside a lady with " many rings on her fingers " . Sarah said " You loan her a ring , you have many " . The reply was " no these are my rings . I do not want to give one away . " The bishop said " loan " , Sarah said " loan " , but the lady definitely thought that she would be giving her ring away . Bishop Fleming annoyed that no - one came forward and probably wanting to get on with the service said they could use his ring and give his ecclesiastical ring to the groom , who put it on the brides finger and said , " with this ring I thee wed " . The wedding service was finished and then the Baptismal service and finally the Holy Communion Service was completed . When the people began to leave , the Bishop realize the new bride was leaving with his ring . Blocked by the people , he called to Sarah , " Stop that girl and get my ring " . Sarah rang and caught up with the women and when asked to give up the ring refused and said it now belong to her because she was married with it . By this time the Bishop had caught up to them and was a little frantic . Sarah calmed the Bishop and as she said to me , " I had a long talk with the lady and she finally gave up the ring . She was not happy , but she gave up the ring . " As to the question of ownership , I guess we can say it belonged to the Bishop . But I find it hard not to believe that in the eyes of that new bride ( whoever she was ) , that part of that ring would not always belong to her as her wedding ring . A strange tale indeed . The Bishop who almost lost his ring , or , the women who gave up her wedding ring for the Bishop who married her . As to the authenticity of this tale I can only say to you that Sarah Simons who told me the tale is one of the most noble and honorable saints of God I have ever had the privilege of knowing and calling a friend . To the Top of the Page Have a story to share ? Send it to me .
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It has been a journey for us trying to conceive . In May 2016 , I found out I have PCOS . I wasn 't getting a period . I need one of those to get pregnant . I wasn 't ovulating . In August 2016 , it was confirmed what they had already suspected that I also have a Pituitary Gland Tumor . It 's a major gland that controls many things but mostly hormones and what my doctors believe was contributing to my PCOS . Therefore , with both of these things , it was going to make getting pregnant naturally extremely difficult . I was on prescriptions of Metformin and Cabergoline . I couldn 't use the Ovulation kits to tell if I was ovulating or not . Due to my PCOS , every time I took an ovulation test it came out negative because of my hormones . Yes , making it extra hard to predict if I 'm even ovulating or when I 'm ovulating . I finally had a menstrual cycle in the month of August . It was the first time I was excited because it means my body is finally working as it should be . We were excited to start trying in September . If only I knew if I was ovulating or not ? With PCOS it 's common to get a period but still not ovulate . We went to the doctor on Friday , September 16 , 2016 , for our annual physical exams . I told them I was waiting to get my period the following week . They did a pregnancy test and it came back negative . I was a little sad as I was hoping by some miracle the doctor would 've told us , " Surprise ! You did it ! You 're pregnant ! " It didn 't happen . Nine days later , on Sunday , September 25 , 2016 , I was waiting on getting my period . It was supposed to come that Friday . I was cramping , bloated , sore breasts , and tired just like when I used to get my period . My husband was cooking out and the smell of the food was making me sick . While he was outside on the grill I snuck upstairs and took a pregnancy test . Right away the stick showed two lines ( Pregnant ) ! I was in disbelief . I started to shake and pace back and forth . I kept saying out loud , " Oh My God ! " " Oh My God ! " I knew I had to take another test because what if this one was false ? I started to drink another glass of water as to force myself to pee on a stick again . By this time , my husband had come back inside . I called him up to our bedroom master bath . I asked him to look at the counter as I left the positive stick there for him to see . He turned to me with tears in his eyes . I had tears in my eyes . He said , " I love you so much ! " I said , " I 'm going to take another test just to make sure . " I took the other test and again right away two lines aka positive pregnancy test . I showed my husband and again we cried together as he held me in his arms and kept kissing my face . We couldn 't be happier or more excited ! Do you know how hard it was for me not to tell my mom and everyone else in the world ? All I wanted to do was tell the world , " We 're pregnant ! We 're pregnant ! We 're pregnant ! " I made an appointment with my OBGYN on Wednesday , September 28 , 2016 , to confirm my pregnancy . It was confirmed . For those 9 months , it had been a roller coaster of emotions . There have been more frustrations than I can count . This was the most beautiful surprise ever . What I 've learned over the 9 months of trying to conceive and going through health issues , is patience and learning to surrender . I learned to surrender to God 's timing . I accepted if it wasn 't going to happen for us , it 's OK . We were going to be OK . We were going to live our lives to the fullest . I learned that I can plan my life as perfect as I possibly could but ultimately I couldn 't plan this . It was a great reminder that God is in charge and He is who bestows all of our blessings . The night before I took that first pregnancy test , I knelt next to my bed . I prayed . I asked God and La Virgen de Guadalupe to help me be patient on this journey . I asked them to see what was in our hearts and to answer our prayers but that we would be patient . I prayed to La Virgen de Guadalupe to help me to become a mother like her . When I say , " I prayed for this miracle " , I did . Becoming pregnant with PCOS is difficult . Becoming pregnant naturally with PCOS and a Pituitary Gland Tumor is extra difficult . I 've become more compassionate for my fellow sisters out there also struggling with infertility issues . I know it 's hard . I know it 's frustrating . I know it 's the most helpless feeling in the world . I know our husbands sometimes get a front row seat to our emotions and fears but remain our most loving and kind part of our sanity . I know how it feels to have heartbreak when someone asks , " Are you pregnant yet ? " or " When are you guys going to have a baby ? " While I 'm reveling in this miracle pregnancy , I 'm praying for those who have the same prayer in their hearts . May your prayers be answered . I 've been there . You are not alone . It helped for me to open up about it and find a support system of women outside of my relationship . The camaraderie of womanhood runs deep . I 've been prayed for by women I 've only ever met online . I 've been prayed for by the women in my family . I 've been prayed for by my very best friends . If anything , I 'm not short of prayers in my life . For me , that has made all the difference . Baby Sunshine is due June 2017 . She will be our greatest adventure ! While I 'm happily married to what I 'll say is a Caucasian man , you would never know that I wasn 't interested in dating him seriously . Why ? Because he is white ? Yes . It 's embarrassing to admit . It makes me cringe internally every time I think about it . To think I almost rejected the greatest love of my life all because of something so insignificant . Let me explain why . I 'm a proud Mexican - American woman . As a woman of color growing up in the United States , it has always been real to me that racism exists . It 's not something we have made up to help ourselves feel better . I really could have lived without the blatant and quiet racism I have experienced from children growing up and now as an adult from other adults . I would be the 1st person to say , " I could never marry a white guy ! " Seriously . Bring on the internal cringe , again . Why would I say that ? In my imagination , my dream marriage would have been with a fellow Mexican - American , Catholic , and someone who basically had the same life story as that of my own . We could connect and understand one another on every level ; physically , spiritually , emotionally , politically , and mentally . I was convinced that my soulmate could be no one else other than a Mexican - American man . How could I be so wrong ? I was . How could I be so close minded ? I was . As my husband and I started to date , I couldn 't stop myself from falling in love with him . If I could 've I would 've . He wasn 't my " ideal " person . He is everything no one else ever was and everything I never knew I was looking for . I tried to fight the idea of falling in love with him , but once I submitted to love , my entire life has changed and my heart opened like never before . I stopped to think : What if the shoe was on the other foot ? What if he was discriminating against me because I am Latina ? How would I feel about that ? I would feel like garbage ! Obviously , I got over it and let it go . Thank you , Jesus ! Life has never been sweeter than it has been with him in my life . The funny thing is I no longer look at my husband and think , this is my white husband , nor does he look at me and think this is my Mexican wife . We are simply husband and wife . I forget or it 's not on the forefront of my mind ever when I think of him or us together . It 's not usually until someone else brings it up , not ever in an offensive way , either . I think more people are interested in how we 've been able to seamlessly tie our two families and cultures together . While my husband may be considered white / Caucasian he has his own culture , as well . Which people of color tend to downplay the cultures of many white Americans . While many may not even know or understand where they come from , I married into a culturally proud German , French , and Hungarian family . I 've learned new family traditions . I 've learned new family recipes . I 've learned a lot about world history . I 've learned that love is universal and people of all colors are accepting and kind . I have never ever experienced a bit of racism or prejudice from anyone in my husband 's entire family . They have been completely loving and 100 % accepting of me and my entire family from day 1 . At the end of the day , we 're two Midwest kids . We come from two loving parents , who wanted more for their children than what they had . Two families that understand and embrace the immigrant experience . Two middle class and working class families . Two families that fiercely and unapologetically love one another . Two families that believe in love , family , and God before everything else . Instead of focusing on our differences , that really don 't matter , we have consciously or subconsciously chosen to focus on what has brought us together . That is love , unconditional , soulful , colorblind love . While I 'm happily married to what I 'll say is a Caucasian man , you would never know that I wasn 't interested in dating him seriously . Why ? Because he is white ? Yes . It 's embarrassing to admit . It makes me cringe internally every time I think about it . To think I almost rejected the greatest love of my life all because of something so insignificant . Let me explain why . I 'm a proud Mexican - American woman . As a woman of color growing up in the United States , it has always been real to me that racism exists . It 's not something we have made up to help ourselves feel better . I really could have lived without the blatant and quiet racism I have experienced from children growing up and now as an adult from other adults . I would be the 1st person to say , " I could never marry a white guy ! " Seriously . Bring on the internal cringe , again . Why would I say that ? In my imagination , my dream marriage would have been with a fellow Mexican - American , Catholic , and someone who basically had the same life story as that of my own . We could connect and understand one another on every level ; physically , spiritually , emotionally , politically , and mentally . I was convinced that my soulmate could be no one else other than a Mexican - American man . How could I be so wrong ? I was . How could I be so close minded ? I was . As my husband and I started to date , I couldn 't stop myself from falling in love with him . If I could 've I would 've . He wasn 't my " ideal " person . He is everything no one else ever was and everything I never knew I was looking for . I tried to fight the idea of falling in love with him , but once I submitted to love , my entire life has changed and my heart opened like never before . I stopped to think : What if the shoe was on the other foot ? What if he was discriminating against me because I am Latina ? How would I feel about that ? I would feel like garbage ! Obviously , I got over it and let it go . Thank you , Jesus ! Life has never been sweeter than it has been with him in my life . The funny thing is I no longer look at my husband and think , this is my white husband , nor does he look at me and think this is my Mexican wife . We are simply husband and wife . I forget or it 's not on the forefront of my mind ever when I think of him or us together . It 's not usually until someone else brings it up , not ever in an offensive way , either . I think more people are interested in how we 've been able to seamlessly tie our two families and cultures together . While my husband may be considered white / Caucasian he has his own culture , as well . Which people of color tend to downplay the cultures of many white Americans . While many may not even know or understand where they come from , I married into a culturally proud German , French , and Hungarian family . I 've learned new family traditions . I 've learned new family recipes . I 've learned a lot about world history . I 've learned that love is universal and people of all colors are accepting and kind . I have never ever experienced a bit of racism or prejudice from anyone in my husband 's entire family . They have been completely loving and 100 % accepting of me and my entire family from day 1 . At the end of the day , we 're two Midwest kids . We come from two loving parents , who wanted more for their children than what they had . Two families that understand and embrace the immigrant experience . Two middle class and working class families . Two families that fiercely and unapologetically love one another . Two families that believe in love , family , and God before everything else . Instead of focusing on our differences , that really don 't matter , we have consciously or subconsciously chosen to focus on what has brought us together . That is love , unconditional , soulful , colorblind love . I was recently diagnosed with PCOS : Polycystic Ovary Syndrome . What is PCOS ? I found out I have PCOS because I kept gaining weight , became prediabetic , and finally with an ultrasound it became clear that my ovaries are surrounded by cysts . Along with that joyous news , it was determined I have a 3 mm tumor in my head . Seriously . Not to fear , it 's not cancerous , thankfully . It 's a pituitary gland tumor aka pituitary adenoma . The pituitary gland is a master gland below the brain that controls many things in the body , but mostly hormone related . This was diagnosed after discovering I had elevated Prolactin levels in my blood . I 'm currently on medication of Metformin and Cabergoline . I was originally on Bromocriptine , but I had such adverse side effects from it I stopped taking it . My endocrinologist has since prescribed me Cabergoline . So far so good . How do I feel ? Physically , fine . Emotionally , depends on the day you ask . Right now , I 'm okay . Plus , I think I 've had enough time to process the news . What does this mean for children in our future ? A number of things , mostly , we don 't know if we 'll be able to conceive a child naturally . I hope and pray that we do . If not , adoption is definitely and has always been an option for us . Which reminds me , I stress the importance of talking about infertility before marriage . I 'm grateful that it 's something we had discussed pre - marriage in great detail . Especially since we are in a place now in our lives where it hasn 't been easy trying to conceive due to my health issues . The only reason I 'm sharing this news is because I know we 're not alone . However , many friends and family members are ashamed or scared to share their stories . It is what it is . I can 't sugar coat it . It sucks . It sucks because I finally got to a place in my life and heart where I 'm ready and want to become a mother . Then to hit this roadblock this huge is hurtful and frustrating more than anything . I 'm thankful we found out what is going on with my body . It feels unnatural to not be in control of my own body . To know that my issue is greater than what I can control on my own is at times overwhelming . It 's manageable , but not curable . It 's something I 'll have to live with for the rest of my life . I don 't know how I would 've handled this news without the unwavering love and emotional support of my husband and our families . It 's not easy and there are lots of times I questioned myself as a woman and wife . Why is this happening to me ? Why isn 't my body normal ? Why can 't I get pregnant right away ? When will I get pregnant ? When will I have control over my body again ? When do we start looking into a fertility specialist ? There are so many questions and yet still uncertain answers . The only thing I can do is continue to take my medications . The biggest lesson I 'm taking away from this is to be kinder to myself . I need to accept this is what 's happening right now . I will be okay . Life will be okay . My marriage will always be okay . If anything , it has brought my husband and me closer . He has seen and heard me cry . He shares in my prayers . He has experienced first hand my frustrations and side effects from medicine . It has forced me to share with him and others how I 'm feeling . Sometimes , I don 't feel emotionally strong . As someone who has always been an optimistic and happy person , these feelings of sadness or frustration are new to me . I 'm learning that it 's normal . I wasn 't able to predict what 's going on with my body , but family genetics has a lot to do with it . I have family members with PCOS and Pituitary Gland Tumors , that I 've only recently found out about . This is why it 's important to know our family history . I know I 'm not alone in this . While my husband insists we are going through this together , which we are , I still feel this is very much my own journey . That 's because it is happening in my body . Even that feeling of alone is normal . It 's most important to remember none of us are alone . The difference between me and most is I 'm willing to share what 's going on . That 's because I believe we can all learn from one another and help each other when we are in a place of the unknown in our lives . If I can be of help and support to someone else and have another woman become more familiar with her body , then it 's all worth it . I want to let other couples know that fertility issues are extremely common . It wasn 't something we expected or could have predicted . Even though we 're currently experiencing this new challenge in our lives , we 're not going to let it stop us from enjoying our lives or marriage . We 're going to continue to travel . We 're going to continue to pray . We 're going to continue to enjoy the full lives we have created with our friends and family . We 're going to continue to show other couples that our love is enough to get us through anything together . If you think you have PCOS contact your doctor asap , especially if you are trying to conceive . The struggle is real , but it doesn 't have to be the end all and be all of our happiness and life together . The follow - up to ; Riviera Maya Dream Wedding . Love is in the details . I wholeheartedly believe this to be true . When we got engaged I didn 't have a vision of what I wanted . Some girls know every detail and have it planned out in their mind for years . I didn 't . People quickly started to ask , " what 's your theme ? " " What are your colors ? " Themes ? Colors ? For a wedding ? As my husband said it best , " isn 't a wedding the theme itself ? When did we have to turn this into a themed experience ? " I think it has to do with all the bridal shows on TLC , which I was obsessed with before we got engaged . Somewhere around month nine of our engagement , I think I stopped watching them . Now , I totally pass them up . I 've tried to watch , but I can barely manage a good 2 minutes . Funny how things have changed since actually becoming married as opposed to when I was dreaming about being married . I thought I figured out a theme . I was going to go with a Breakfast at Tiffany 's theme wedding . While , I 've loved the movie and idolized Audrey Hepburn , since childhood , have a cat named Kat , and married a guy named Paul , who gifted me an engagement and wedding rings from Tiffany & Co . , I felt it was still not authentic to me . After having a conversation with my wedding planner in Mexico , I realized I wanted something traditional and true to me and Mexico 's beauty and spirit . This felt authentic to me , a bit more traditional in my modern girl ways , but highlighting the essence and beauty of Mexico . The reception took place at Hacienda Corazon in Puerto Aventuras , QR in the Riviera Maya . Which truly was a dream location . Now that I had an idea for my wedding , traditional Mexican wedding , I needed to figure out decor and style . My wedding planner Andrea Salazar from Puerto Aventuras Weddings understood my vision and helped bring it to life . I also couldn 't have had it all without my dear cousin Julissa , who actually created everything for me as if she took it right out of my brain herself . Oh , and Etsy ! I used quite a bit from Etsy . I love the idea of supporting small businesses . So much more goes into a wedding than I ever imagined . Was it all worth it ? Of course . I had the wedding of my dreams , after all . I wrote this blog as a follow up to Riviera Maya Dream Wedding because I 've had other brides contact me asking about this or that from my wedding . I hope someone finds it useful . For all the brides to be , hang in there ! We all tell ourselves something that we then tell to others about who we are . My husband loves to take naps . I would say his favorite thing to do is take a nap on the weekend 's . I always tell him and others , " I never take naps " , which for the most part is true , except for this past Saturday . I laid on the couch while he watched ? ? ? I closed my eyes and an hour later I woke up . Stay with me for a second … He said , " Ah , I thought you never take naps ! What happened ? Because you sure were sleeping and snoring ! " I guess I do take naps . For starters , my husband . He is white aka Caucasian . He 's actually French , German , and Hungarian , but somewhere people with European ancestry get labeled as white . I used to say , " I could never date , let alone marry a white guy ! " It crushes me to say or even admit that now . It 's ok , though , my husband knows that . We 're good . It 's extremely upsetting to think I would be as shallow and narrow - minded to forgo the most incredible and loving relationship of my life due to his skin color . How would I feel if he or someone else did that to me ? It 's embarrassing to admit it . He can 't help that he 's white , just as I can 't help that I 'm brown . We can still love one another . We can still laugh together . We can still travel the world together … You get it , in the end , it was my issue , not his . The funny thing is I 've learned what they say is true , love is color - blind . I don 't look at my husband as my " white " husband , nor does he look at me as his " brown " wife . I think anyone in an interracial marriage can relate to that . You obviously know and can see your differences , but they become insignificant in the grander scheme of your love and life together . Along with never dating white guys , I can 't tell you how many times I 've said , " I could never leave my family . " Obviously , I fell in love and moved across the country , now 2x 's , so that proves that was a lie . I was afraid to leave home . While in my 20 's , I had lived on my own , in my own apartment , and paid my own bills . I was still only a stone 's throw away from my family , my safety net . If I ever felt lonely , sad , happy , hungry or just needed to do laundry for free - I could go home and I did . I would secretly judge other people who moved away from their families as not being as much of a devoted son or daughter as me . This is completely false . Again , embarrassing to admit . How could I be so small minded and judgemental of others ? Moving thousands of miles away from my family has taught me it 's okay and will be okay . My ego actually thought that my family would fall apart because I wasn 't there to take care of everyone and everything . How would everyone function without me ? You know what happens after you move away ? Life . It goes on . My mother says it best , " you have to live your life for you now . I did my job as your mother and now I have to let you go . " That 's really a parent 's job anyway , right ? Prepare us to go into the world and follow our own adventures and bliss in life . I followed my heart to San Francisco . I surprised everyone , including my boyfriend , and bought a one - way ticket to SF . Why ? Because my happiness depended on it . We were in a long distance relationship . It was becoming increasingly difficult to be apart from this man . Which leads me to my final thing I used to claim , " I could never live with a man before marriage . " What did I do ? I moved across the country before we were even engaged . Why this matters , coming from a traditional Latino household the very thought of living with a man pre - marriage was never encouraged , let alone pre - engagement . I knew in my heart and soul , this was the man I was going to marry , and I did . I wasn 't going to wait forever for an engagement and luckily I didn 't have to . My husband and I , both agree that it probably would have turned out differently if we lived in the same city . He claims , he probably would 've proposed sooner if we lived in the same place because we would 've had more time together , which you don 't get much of in a long distance relationship . I received my whole family 's blessings to move . However , I did have an end date in mind , if he didn 't propose by a certain date . I knew , for me , I wanted to be his wife . I wanted him to be my husband . I was not going to play house forever with this man and I was prepared to walk away from it all and him if my wants weren 't going to be met . Love has a funny way of changing everything . All of these " I could never 's " ultimately are fear - based or ego driven . It takes maturity and reflection to be able to admit and distinguish that for what it is . I 've learned when someone says , " I can 't or I could never " , it 's also a story they are telling themselves , as I 've told myself and others many times . " Whether you think you can or you can 't you 're right . " - Henry Ford Last year , I was CRAZY ! I admit it . It was our 1st Valentine 's Day as a married couple . I asked for it all . I asked for everything from flowers , cupcakes , chocolates , etc … and my husband delivered . I 'll never do that again . I don 't know why last year , I got so caught up in the hoopla of it all . Perhaps , because it was our first year as Mr & Mrs . Whatever it was , I 'm over it this year . The truth of it all , we celebrate our love often . We don 't have children , therefore , date nights are pretty normal for us . My husband does a wonderful job at surprising me with sweet treats and flowers regularly . I 'm well taken care of and appreciated , as is he throughout the year . I 've always enjoyed Valentine 's Day because it 's a wonderful way to show and share my love with friends , family , and my significant other . It 's an actual holiday dedicated to love , how wonderful ! This Valentine 's Day , I 'm actually thinking about keeping it low key . We 're going to visit a friend in the hospital . Then , we have brunch plans with a new group of friends . I 'm a bit more realistic this year than last . I 'd really like it to be about what we can give to others this year . It doesn 't have to be anything fancy , expensive , or even in a heart shaped box . Maybe , call an old friend and wish them well . Donate a little more to a local church . Donate clothing , food , or even blood . Perhaps , offer to babysit for friends who don 't get to get out as much . Volunteer for your favorite charity or animal shelter . There 's plenty of ways to celebrate and share the love this Valentine 's Day . The world needs more of everyone 's love . As always , I wish you love , peace , and continued blessings . Happy Valentine 's Day !
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This is a personal diary of my trip to Northern California in June 2017 , after missing it for 15 years . My first California contact dates back to 1970 in Cupertino . I had then worked for Hewlett - Packard , see http : / / blogabissl . blogspot . com / 2012 / 01 / dedicated - to - my - old - friends - especially . html . Nothing in general can be learnt from these notes , and they are in my own queer English . So you might only want to read this , if you know me well and are well inclined . Neither did I know celebrities , nor do I mention all names here . So right away the ticket vending machine went on strike on my six Euros . In twenty minutes I reached Siegburg high - speed train station , the day with clouds and the sun rising behind them . Rhine river . From Siegburg the crowded ICE ( 101 ) train brought me with 163 mph in another twenty minutes to the Frankfurt airport . The airport was rather empty on this Monday morning . My special security check brought to view unknown surprises from last summer in South Tryrol , screws to fix some outer windows . I felt ashamed for all my generation : How much have we run down the world in the last fifty years . And now we try to combat lost morale and ethics with radar scanners … I remember Tempelhof and San Jose airport where I could freely walk to the airplane . Virtual Golden Gate bridge . During the comfortable flight I kept away from films and other excitements , to dampen future jetlag . An old Indian beside me kept asking everybody every five minutes : " Sashash " or so . We confirmed " San Jose " and I turned on the flight TV so he could read it all the time . Unpleasant surprise : California requires an expensive extra insurance of $ 19 . 94 a day for people getting hurt while in the car . Not only have the states themselves become public robbers , they team up with the lobby . Excuse my flash . Driving highway 17 was just like fifty years ago : Two lanes , winding up to Summit road , bad surface . Only the traffic jam on the other side was modern and endless . Pat 's Tomtom worked after some satellite searching , and brought me to Carla and Gaye with only a few extra circles at the very end in Capitola . " Four way stops " - the American street feature ! Cheaper than roundabouts . Carla embraced me at the door ! Such a long time . Gaye had been waiting too . We had exchanged SMS all the time . Modern logbooks . A fine , sunny , not to warm afternoon on the patio . Carla 's room adapted to the usual full , but not necessarily ordered conditions here . I love that , but I 'll have to be for order . We took an evening walk downtown , to eat at a new restaurant " Sotola " . Nice , good , www . SotolaBarandGrill . com ( $ 116 . 66 incl . tip ) . And now I sit here in Gaye 's guest room , the cat came to greet me at night . It 's six . The day is coming up . I hear the big dog barking . The small one is really dear , but has to stay in a cage when we are out . Tuesday , May 30th , 2017 - school , history , beach As our host had work to do - endless telephone conferences - I brought Carla to her school at eight . We had a light breakfast before , Carla prepared her lunch bread for school , and off we went into somewhat like a small queue at the nearby school . In America everything is big . That makes for easy driving . That makes big schools , with parking lots and an organized student drop - off . Back in Capitola I constructed a Tomtom fixture for the dashboard and walked down to the beach - a felt ten minutes rather than five - and actually even some more as I chatted with one of the neighbors here , from Canada as well . " Would you rather like to live here than in Europe ? " he asked after a while , and were it not for the farm in South Tyrol , I don 't really know . As a young man with a very European wife and no children yet , I had decided to give up my American Green Card . I had not wanted to remain " between two continents " all my life . As elder person the options aren 't there any more : health insurance , living costs , age etc . bind one to the one place once chosen by yourself or destiny . He was homesick of Canada - having divorced his Californian wife since a long time . Only the weather is warmer here , he said . We agreed that people are friendly everywhere . I went to the beach , chatted with two volunteer ladies making statistics on leftovers in the sand that was being cleaned meticulously weighing the different fractions . Then I " tested " the popular " Zeldas on the beach " ( 831 ) 475 4900 , with a light breakfast ( $ 11 . 12 + 1 . 88 tip = $ 13 ) . Families , older citizens , sitting in the sun , black birds catching leftovers , and everybody super friendly . My small tea pot was filled with hot water without asking , the cold water as well . Nice country , nice place . At 12 . 45 I had appointment with Carla at school . She introduced me to her friends , proudly , and is well liked by many , including the teachers . Carla gives extra attention to me , and I to her , small nice gestures . Thank you Carla ! She even personally wrote my visitor pass , as the clerk wasn 't there at the moment . The " bell " is no bell , it sounds like a hoarse radio station 's time signal to tell everybody : time for classes . We walked to history . The teacher had invited me ; he spoke very highly of Carla . A very agile , small man , very engaged , with strong personal beliefs , but leaving others thinks differently . Boys are called by given name , or just " Sir " , the group of some 21 pupils ( here called students ) addressed as " you guys " . The girls in light outfits , very casual , some three of the boys in hoodies with closed head covers . They mainly prepared for the upcoming test , and then saw a slide show on the Vietnam War , that had been a traumatic experience for the nation . Then we saw a film to " civil rights " with the young Denzel Washington , a bit boring and old - fashioned to my taste . The Muslim background to Malcolm X I had all but forgotten , as Martin Luther King is much more famous . By the way : the picturesque pyramids wound up near Mecca . After history we said hello to the English teacher . She 's engaged to an Austrian computer expert , and they want to emigrate to Klagenfurt . Her German is all right ; she had studied there and earned good money as English teacher there already . So they are not afraid of a future in Austria . She praised the last European votes , in France and Austria , to have led into the right direction . I 'll visit her class tomorrow . Imagine getting invited into class at a German school ! They probably would have first to ask all parents in writing , if an alien might see their kids learning , ask the school 's director and the city 's school coordinator . At Beethoven Gymnasium I once filmed the Math teacher during the school 's " open house " day . He knew me and praised me for the video , was proud . The school scolded me for intruding into the privacy . In the afternoon Carla worked on her photography assignment , a small home page only with self made pictures , I worked on my Google picture album on Circus Roncalli . I hate ( but use ) this cloud . It thinks it knows better than you what to Tired by jetlag , Mexican food , and all the events of the day I slept well - until four o ' clock or so ; awakened by the same jetlag and general age . Having the room for myself I can type the Thinkpad ( an X61s with SSD ) , read or just think at leisure . At six , when I tried to " re - sleep " , there was a " long distance " emergency call from my wife : she couldn 't open the car 's parking place , the key would not turn . I emailed a photo of the correct key , and that did the job then . Modern communication ! Back home I found Gaye busy again on the phone : earplug in ear and Smartphone in hand - why don 't they have hooks like old mobile phones ? Local communication is reduced to unconcentrated deaf - mute : Should I let the dog out to pee in the garden ? Can I use the land line phone ? Where 's the leash ? But I knew where normal thread was , so I used that . Together we scouted the garden , I saved some suffocating grass under a bureau mat , watered one tree and two flowers ( should water the rose ) , and took ghost town pictures of former barbeque equipment . Wonderful ! At twelve she had to leave , with smooth takeover of the continuing call by the car 's audio system , friendly hand signal and off with the small dog , freshly de - watered by me . Now I 'll fetch Carla . A computer can be closed any time , and does not mind either . I returned to school , as the German teacher had invited me . The class had read Animal Farm , Lord of the Flies , All Quiet in the Western Front . Now individual presentations , free with slides , should talk about one of the books . The presentation had to state the author 's argument , a counter argument and personal opinion . That turned out to be very interesting , even when the speeches were not all presented to the class , but to the slide . The atmosphere was very easygoing ; one girl even combed the long hair of her friend , but attention was nevertheless good . Group work and common lecturing alternated . The teacher 's optimistic , ever smiling activity lead the class . Great . All lessons take 1 ½ hours , then there 's a break , in repetition . Carla then showed me the music room with the plaque they won . We drove to her friend Cora to Hope Church , http : / / www . santacruzhope . com . At this time the church had been open for skating ; as strange , but positive sight . Her mother , who works there , allowed her to join us for a trip to the coast at Davenport . I had really looked forward to re - visit this place we had preferred back in 1970 , see http : / / blogabissl . blogspot . com / 2014 / 01 / the - man - who - knew - davenport . html . It 's the beach outside the junction of highway one with the Bonny Doon road ; Bonny Doon beach . As the river flows into the sea there , the next beach towards Davenport might be nicer and cleaner . Things have changed , the water tunnel to the next bay has gone , up North there 's a new one … For the girls and me it was a great ( and very windy ) experience . We did not climb down to the beach though . We returned Cora home to Santa Cruz . Her young father and her little brother were there , in a big two - trucks mobile home that they had been given when they moved there recently . It 's a community of people with difficulties , and they care about them . I don 't know if he 's a minister ; surely he does not act like one , just like a very ethical , very interested person . Everybody treats me with high respect , and very personally . This seems to be general habit here : to establish a connection right away , to take time to get to know the other person . The photography class was very interesting - and extremely well equipped to my standards . All Apple computers , a large photo printer - and free donuts to start with ! Again the teacher was very courteous to me - and when we softly talked while the students were working , he offered me a little chewing gum , and took one himself . What a fine gesture ! At first the students worked on their final assignment , a short " home page " telling about themselves , and only with self made pictures . Then one of Northern California 's top wedding photographer , Blake Weber ( http : / / blakeweberphotography . com / ) had been invited . He is totally self taught , and became professional while employed as fire fighter . This gave him and his family a sure income and well defined free time ( at normal conditions ) , so he could build his skills and his business . Blake started out with loaning himself 5000 Dollars ( which he makes per day today … ) , into a separate " pocket " , i . e . his business . " You must take your business just as serious as your photography " . He read everything you can read on wedding photography , invested in ( online ) courses , and did the same with business . He trained himself to be an extremely fast shooter , and showed us his well selected outfit . He does the shooting , and always has a second shooter along , whom he trained personally . His wife does the editing ; each pictures has been worked on . He sells no bodily product , not even one print , but his work via the cloud . So he has no sales tax . Other photographers do that just vice versa , and oppose him therefore . Hard and intense work . Before I returned to school at 12 . 45 a phone message by the school had alerted me of an arrest case at school - you can hear the message amongst the pictures and read the local newspaper report of next morning . More exciting was the fact that Carla 's friendly and very involved history teacher had asked me to speak to his class , which I then did , as " eyewitness " in Berlin , in the cold war , in post - war Germany . I think he and his class got some first hand history like this . The Bonn " Gymnasium " would never ask me to talk history , they only invite Jewish speakers to speak about the holocaust - which is ok , but rather unbalanced . But : " No politics please " , as my wife would warn me . In the afternoon we had appointment with my old Swiss friends up on Loma Prieta Way . Unfortunately the direct road along the Soquel is interrupted - and may stay so for a while - , so we had to take the detour via the 17 and Summit road . A romantic drive . Schaerlis were well , impeccable as ever , unfortunately stressed and weakened by his treatments . The house has to be heated electrically , as they had not replaced the single walled oil tank and built a large veranda instead . While building it , Hugo had been by a young , quite poisonous rattlesnake ( Klapperschlange ) . The view from their home high up on the mountain range was breathtaking , just as I had remembered it . Perhaps we go to see them again , especially when their daughter is in . We still had time to continue to Loma Prieta , but did not reach the summit . From there you have a spectacular view North into the Silicon Valley . The last mile or so is closed to normal cars , walking up in heat and dust not advisable . Next time we must ignore the signs . Many burnt trees from last year 's fire , see for example http : / / www . mercurynews . com / 2016 / 09 / 30 / what - caused - the - loma - fire / . Back at Capitola we both were very tired . Carla made a pizza dinner , then exercised her juggling skills in the garden . I went to bed early . So I had a good excuse to directly return to the beach , as I had to reserve a table for tomorrow 's old HP veterans ' get - together . It was still overcast and too cool and windy to sit outside . Everybody greeted ! Hi , Hello , Good Day , or just some personal wave of the hand . And that 's everywhere . People look at you . It is definitely not as in Germany where subway habits of ignoring the The afternoon was hurry here and there . I collected Carla at 2 . 30 from school , we brought home her friend Cloe , then returned home to get the dog , brought it to the vet to get rebandaged , returned , remembered that photos had to be collected in Santa Cruz , made an U - turn and got to the photographer all rigt . But not back , as highway one South was bumper - to - bumper , and Carla should have been back at school at five , dressed for a celebration . No way ; we ended up there half an hour late . Gisela called on Carla 's mobile and wanted to chat , which was fine for her on aFriday evening or rather night , we however were restless because of the " resting " traffic . Back home I walked once around the " block " to scoute the rear side . It 's a suppy street , more or less , even with an old VW beetle . Alone ( with the dog and the hungry cat ) I ate a little , I repaired a little ( picture frames had fallen off the wall and disintegrated ) , but found no glue and had to back up to classic nail mechanics . Gaye won 't see it . I tried to relax a bit before having to fetch Carla from her party , But the hungry house animals , nervously whining around , kept me alarmed . So I tried to call Carla . When finally I had reached her , she led me through making dinner for the cat and the dog , de - escalating the home front . At 10 . 30 I fetched her , all happy . At school she and others bad been given a special award by the theatre group : " Outstanding Ensemble " . Allow me three short political subjects as an aside . Immigration . This here seems to be a naturally grown society , including a minority , the Spanish speaking people . In the streets , however , they 'll make no apparent difference , and they wouldn 't look or behave differently . You know they are Spanish , and that 's that . Currently local societies ( including police ) fight the ICE ( Immigration and Customs Enforcement ) with their headlines likes these on their website : " June 9 , 2017 , San Franciso , CA . ICE arrests over 50 in central California operation targeting criminal aliens , illegal re - entrants , and immigration fugitives . " I 've added a newspaper article to the pictures . - In Germany we have got used to a disrupled society : Since many years many Turkish Immigrants live their separate life , speak and dress differently , eat differently , celebrate different festivities , and they hang on to that . With a lot of liberty we try to allow for such a " multicultural " society , passively and politely we try not to get into those other babits and attires , We produced a foreign land in our socicty . Like most things all this progresses without control , and certainly can 't be fixed by being right wing or even fascist . The Silicon Valley had a lot of Viemamese Immigrants after the Vietnam war ; it would be inleresting to learn from them . Trumps withdrawal frim the climate agreement . I like to make up my own mind , motto : " Think yourself " . The withdrawal - that he had promised during his campaign , and Americans thus voted for - was wrong , as it broke a given word by the US . Even states should remain reliable . Nothing bad substancially changed to justify this quick withdrawal . - But : The Paris accord is not binding , not binding for the countries that signed it , if I am informed correctly . The exorbitant expenses , especially when you ban nuclear power at the same time , as Germany does , make it not financia1ly not stable ( not " sustainable " , nachhaltig ) , and a lot of effort goes to a perhaps unattainable goal , rather than to more pressing issues like the Middle East and Africa , subjects that can hide from public attention , while balloons are blown up with a climate " agreement " ( which the nex best US President can just opt out ) . Look where the money goes . Industry of course more interested to build different power plants on state money than concentrating on real human issues . Then : We might not be able to stop global warming after all , and no state will glve us back all the moncy spent for " climate cintrol " with its extra expensive car engines , expensive exhaust control and law cases , expensive photoelectric power ( often in shady places ) , a new power distribution instead of forward looking investments into infrastructure , peace in Africa , ending the war in Syria etc . A good climate is not a switch you turn on like air conditioning . We may have to face the warming , no matter what . How about more difficult international subjects like birth control in Africa ? entry # friends Saturday , June 3rd , 2017 - The Old ( HP and Tandem Computers ) Boy 's Reunion This was the great day I had expected for quite some time : a get - together of my friends from olden days . And rather than trying to visit all of them individually in the crowded Silicon Valley or a bit farther in San Louis Obispo ( or another one at Lake Tahoe ) I had invited them here to Capitola , thanks to Gaye , the host to my daughter and me . A pity that Gaye was in Florida , and that John Page could not come , as he had his family visiting . But it 's not the number that makes for a good meeting , it 's the characters . as long as this story stays on top . Carla had joined us most of the time and had helped , had taken some pictures and made some coffee , stepping in as " lady of the house " . She then had an invitation to Santa Cruz ' board walk nd to a " sleepover " nearby , so I drove her and her friends around , enjoying the evening . Gisela wants me to be more personal , and to turn on the spell checker . To be more personal I 'd have to tell stories of people , and I don 't know if that 's always appropriate . Can I say that in American bathrooms socks are used as face cloths ? That my be funny for some , ingenious for others , plainly wrong or even offending to some . Do not make jokes on others . Also I was never a good story - type journalist . I am much too self - centered , too unbalanced , too little listening and asking ; too much self - speaking . I don 't remember names . I admire journalists with genuine interest in others . And as to spell checking : Google 's " blogger " is so dismally primitive , you work via a template , I guess , that the advantages of modern software have never reached . I could first write with Winword , and then copy to the blog , but that 's complicated and full of endless extra HTML code , and does not allow online editing . So you will have to bear with my spelling and typing errors , or just tell me ! ( On Friday I had to reconstruct half of my own blog text via screenshot , PDF , OCR , corrections , as I had made a mistake in adapting the format and all was gone . ) At night in bed I read a book , just taken at random from Gaye 's books nearby : Stuart McLean , " Welcome Home , Travels in Smalltown Canada " , 1992 . Gaye must have struggled with her dog for the book . The cover is half ripped away , it 's heavily used ( by both ? ) , and wonderful to read and dream into . Gaye is Canadian . This trip , like all my trips , is a change not only of site and place to me . It changes me , temporarily , with my thoughts and feelings , my moods and some of my personality ( I think ) , at least as long as I 'm alone . So I look forward for Gisela to come tomorrow , and I fear it . As old boarding school boy I adapt to every environment , I try to live simple , repair small things in the host 's household ( currently the shower head 's CaCO3 ) . So here I get to like the animals , the dog that shows idefinite and nervous relief whenever I return , the cat that wants I don 't know what . Secret animal kingdom . What does a dog think ? Does it ? I 'm sure it does - but how far does ists self conciousness go ? ( Karl Valentin : Ententraum - a duck 's dream ) Having nobody to chatter , using no earplugs , keeping the car radio still , I " ponder " . I let my soul lead me . Thanks to the Internet I found Catholic services just around the corner at St . Josef 's with Sunday mass times at seven , nine , eleven and five pm . Industrious people , I think . So I have an hour to write , but I 'll spare that for you this time … entry # church To be on the correct side I put on my very best clothes , the brand new ones from Corradini at Bolzano , for the first time . I stepped around one angle , and there was St . Josef , a new , large church with a wooden roof construction , a ground layout indicating a cross , altar as on a stage scene , but it will be modified soon . Very comfortable seating . No organ . Foldable , a bit dusty kneeling boards . Nice , well dressed people , I 'd guess some 800 . A Karaoke screen displays prayers and songs . Numerous community members helped in the ceremony , excellent , slow and clear reading ! Even though it must have been routine , all seemed to come right from the heart . Love . Consecration appeared taken lighter than in Europe , but was more intensive . After the consecration the priests kneel behind the altar , in Germany just a quick gesture , here a still moment for ten seconds . Classic " pro multis " . The public was offered bread and wine . The priest - a South African colored joung man - was good ( preached asking for good deeds and later for articles for the church newsletter , rather than just sitting in mass ) , believable and intense . In his wide priestly outfit he looked a bit alien in his chair , at times like a buddah in the right hand corner of the theatre scene . At home Carla had returned fom her night out , and just re - makeupped for some gay parade in Santa Cruz : " Pride " parade . So just as I wanted to fry two eggs for breakfast she made me bring her there . With queues to and from not very practical . If she had told me a bit earlier and more , I might have taken the opportunity to stay there for a while . ( Why should you be proud to be LGBT ? That certainly is a minority to be respected , but no personal achievement . I 'm allergic already to fashinable aids events , even though people with aids seem responsible for it . The neighbor here is " Proud Parent Of An Honor Student At New Brighton Middle School " , according to his or her bumper sticker . And I 'm nor really proud of mysef , made a traffic mistake yesterday night ; only consequence : an irate opponent driver . ) After breakfast ( lukewarm tea , ham and eggs ) and a " well - deserved " nap Carla called , all happy from the " Pride " parade , and I drove to fetch her . The congestion type queues are not as bad as after an accident . One gets used to them . Same old freeways as 1970 , just a lot more cars . Gaye has courageosly risen from too short a night ! Works . I brought Carla to school at ( or rather past ! ) nine . Her mood was reduced , I don 't know why . I seem to be the ever talkative here . There was no problem at school to get Carla to end school at twelve , so we can go to the airport . And now I 'm off to buy some groceries for a barbeque tonight … You get to learn a lot of friendly people in a supermarket in the morning . Nobody is in a hurry . I found out what sprouts are , found cucumbers , even German style bratwurst , though they are white and not reddish as Americans seem to think that sausages have to look like . Two elderly men were looking for sauerkraut , we joked about it . At noon I had to fetch Carla from school and drive to San Jose airport for Gisela , arriving with the same flight as I a week before . We were in good time . The gate in Teminal A was just a small place , no staff but two joung man trying in vain to get the sliding doors not to slide when approached from the outside , despite all walky - talky chatter . Gisela came 1 1 / 4 hour after landing , happy and tired . Driving back the 17 lots of talk - Carla and I speak less , queues in the Santa Cruz area , filling up gasoline : 13 . 650 gallons of Regular at 3 . 239 $ per gallon = $ 44 . 21 , no tax ! ( = 3 . 7854118 l / g . 0 . 86 $ / l . 0 . 8875 € / $ ) . We partially unpacked . Gisela nervous , but she made it ! In the evening I drove with Kris to get gas for the barbeque . Here they actually refill the " bombs " . But to no avail . The burner hadn 't been used for centuries ( I guess ) , was all rusty , and the flames came - if at all - at the wrong places . So we grilled or sausages inside , which was quite as good . First State side dinner for Gisela . Today Carla had to be at school at her regular time : 8 . 30 . And we juuust made it . I had taken the direct approach , the queue was till highway one underpass , and I feared to get her another " tardy " entry . Back at home Kris and I tried to fix the ancient barbeque . All four burner rods plus the three fire combining ducts were rust rotten . Replacents ( Internet ) would cost ninety dollars ! Perhaps we can still fix the old tubes … Kris is off to the hardware store . We have no success with the barbeque , the gas pressure is too weak . Might be the regulator ? Then we hang three rows of lights with solar charging across the court . Gisela enjoys the garden . The day still cool and foggy , see my picture " romantic airborne wiring " showing the simple power installatin here . Later I look at the 110 V plug system : The rectangular contacts do not have the same size , the right one ( grounding at bottom ) is slightly longer , the left one the " hot phase " . Specific deviceds like vacuum cleaners require that their plug is connected the right way round , others not . See https : / / en . wikipedia . org / wiki / Mains _ electricity . Santa Cruz Ale Works Castle Beach Kölsch 4 . 8 % Alc . Then we shop at a drugstore for shampoos and for groceries at Mob Hills Food . While the ladies buy beauty , I talk to a homeless outside on a bench . He looks very prober and seems sober . He 's 55 , from Brasil had four wifes and got around all the world , went to school in England as a son of a diplomat . Currently he 's being divorced , but his marrige was fake anyway : He git tenthousand dollars and his wife a Green Card . He 's American since the eraly 90s . Today he sleeps every night at another church , free of charge , with some other 18 men . He lives in Scotts Valley , works seven days a week , but only part - time . Downhill he uses his bicycle , back ge boes by bus , and has a monthly ticket . All the time he polished his bicycle helmet , that he had recently refound , to a shining British racing green . He lost all his belongings at the very end of a return trip from South America with many stations at the arrival here . The things he had stored with a friend burned down with the house of the friend . In the afternoon Gisela prepared the chicken dinner for six - her first work in this kitchen . It turned out excellent es ever . Tomorrow we 'll get noodles , that 's simpler . The new lamps glew nicely . Carla and I saw the ISS at 10 . 11 pm . Time flies . We were a bit late for school , Carla was late , I had not taken the right turn , so the queues were enervating . Imagine over thousand students being brought to school by car each morning … We both drove to fetch Carla , after having shopped groceries for tonight 's Gisela 's dinner ( baked noodles , special desert , see pictures ) we picker her up . Our atmosphere was extremely nervous , as for cooking you need your customary things and qualities . We drove to a hardware store - more like a shop for home builders - bought two cardboard shipping boxes , and to Safeways . Plus we were hungry , so on the way home we stopped for bread at Gayle ' Bakery . Slept in the afternoon , pepared dinner , had a relaxed dinner , some more washing , to bed . We had learnt from Wednesday 's dinner . Gisela prepared onesimpler meal at night : risotto . Furthermore this was Carla 's very last day at school in America , a big , a last good - bye , only softened by electronic communication . It turned out to be unspectacular . But : Heaven was raining , just a little , but notably , especially for California ! Gisela and I drove to school , quarter of an hour earlier , about 12 . 45 . The final exams were still running , so visitory are not well seen . I wanted to have a last word with the history teacher , I introduced Gisela to the English teacher as well . Both again praised Carla for her skills and intense social intergration . Carla was a happy sight , with her ( second hand ) black leather sweater Gisela had sent her . She wanted to stay with some of her friends for lunch in a Soquel restaurant . So the two of us left alone , relaxed , did some shopping ( 7 items on the list , over 15 in the cart ) . I had invited Gisela for a simple lunch at Zelda 's on the beach , despite the rain . Gisela had fish and chips , I a thick clam chowder soup . Gisela 's knee hurt since two days , but for the rest we enjoyed this time for us . With Gisela we closed Carla 's bank account with Wells Fargo and went to T - Mobile in the mall , in vain , you just call customer service to cancel . The ladies had lots of fun with massage machines there , see pictures . Bought last Santa Cruz hoodie for Carla . Shopped at Safeway . Even here a friend of Carla , working as packer I guess , came running to hug her . Crisis , when we spilt Gisela 's expensive " coffee " at Starbucks . Gisela fled the scene , but luckily stopped at the car on her way back to Bonn . While paying I saw Margrit Schaerli in the next lane , with Avonne . What a surprise ! I hadn 't seen Avonne since she was a little girl . We had no time to converse , but they again invited me to their house in the mountains . On our next tour we went to the " Home Depot " and got a high quality ( we hope ) Weber model , in a large heavy box though . Kris spent an hour to assemble it , and did an excellent job . It worked prompty , in good time for the party . On the way home we also got more food and four sacks of ice . With the n - th tour Gaye got the balloons she had ordered via phone while we had passed the store in the morning . Carla prepared her speech . The only thing we were nervous about was the question : Would all of the invited appear ? The party was a miracle of happiness , with a drop of good - bye atmosphere . Carla made her appearance in the Tyrolean " costume " we call a " Dirndl " (» Dirne « used to be just a name for woman , the » l « is a diminuitive ; today use of the word has changed ) . Later she changed into a standard dress and gave away some of her dresses . We had fourty merry girls and a handful of boys chatting , eating and dancing in the garden . One of Carla 's friends had brought a quite progessional disco equipment , one big loudespeaker , control desk , small pc and his smartpone to stream the music from . And he was very good and fast to have the music and the microphone running . At times it was Karaoke without prompting screen : They knew the texts of their favorite songs anyway . Later a friend presented a moving video for Carla with all her friends ' statements , Carla watched it and we listened to it . Carla gave a speech mentioning everybody , including Gaye and us parents , the characteristics of each . Gaye and Gisela worked to have all things - especially the food and the canned drinks in an ice bucket - ready and enjoyed the party looking an ; I " mixed with the crowd " taking pictures and some videos , not bothering anybody . I 've never been able to take pictures so inobstrsuively than here , where the atmosphere , the feelings were so merry and joyful that I really did not matter . I felt even like dematerialized at times . To me the party was like « l ' après - midi d ' un faune » , I saw fauns dancing , a bit louder than Debussy 's , a bit more real , but with the youth and innocence and love abundant . I think even for Capitola and its easygoing standars this was exceptional . Aside I had good conversations with Carla ' prom friend , who had been accepted to study music , and to a girl friend with interest in writing and history . I have to learn more about " creative writing " - but you notice that when reading this . Mostly I lack memory of names . Late in the evening the show closed , the music machines were disassembled , I brought home Carla 's best friend . Gisela had prepared breakfast . The youth was not quite ready , so we had the cat join us on her side table . Slight nervousness by Gisela , who likes to have everybody synchronized . After breakfast I phoned to St . Helena and to Schaerlis for arrangements to meet . Kris lent me his blue Volkswagen Jetta , and I drove up to Schaerlis on Loma Prieta . Reto , whom I had last seen as a boy visiting us in Frankfurt , was working with his mother and a friend in the garden . The Indian grandmother was there as well . I helped " with suggestions " … - gave ezzes , as we 'd say . Avonne had been at the beach with the children of Reto . When thy returned we had a grill " antipasti " on the veranda , slightly windy . Later all had dinner inside . I had good talks with Reto and his wife , with the grandmother , with all of them . I was very impressed by the cultured atmosphere , sort of high level American , and by the well brought up children playing an excellent role , also during discussions about nature , self - conciousness , schools and much more . Reto stressed the importance of bringing up the children , umpromped . We often think if we let them have liberty that 's fine . I returned late through the dark forest . Carla was relieved that I was back . To me this evening had shown a world " in order " and at a level I normally miss . entry # Rammstein While he drove I noticed that some of the German texts of the Rammstein ( two m , not just one as the US Air Force base ) band are quite fascist . They are fine , elaborate and artsy texts , but nevertheless with a strong tendency to unquestioned cameradery , to follow a leader without thought , example : http : / / Herzeleid . com / en / lyrics / liebe _ ist _ fuer _ alle _ da / haifisch . Black and brutal . I 've done some reading yesterday evening on Rammstein . I hadn 't even known the name , let alone the music or the songs ; it was Kris who likes them , and thought that I as German might like them as well . As a trained show effects specialist he might be fascinated by them even more than just by their sound , they " are known for their pyrotechnic elements " ( Wikipedia ) . The German Wikipedia has an extremely long entry about the band , the English ( or probably better : American ) Wikipedia entry is quite sizeable as well . Right up front there is a hint to controversial views , but overshadowed and far outweighted by fame : " The group is - though until today seen controversally and also never expected by the members - seen by the majority of the media as one of the most important ' culture exports ' of Germany " (» Die Gruppe wird - obwohl bis heute kontrovers betrachtet und auch nie von den Mitgliedern so erwartet - in der Medienmehrheit als einer der wichtigsten „ Kulturexporte " des Landes gesehen . « ) The statement does not appear in the English version . My first impression was " right wing " , my second : " fascist " . Now I even think - and I usually think by my own without outside influences - that part of Rammstein 's fame rides on a very unhealthy and untrue view of Germans , dating back to Nazi times : black , martial , hard , writing in blackletter typefaces ( Fraktur ) . ( In 1941 the Nazis themselves had banned 𝕱𝖗𝖆𝖐𝖙𝖚𝖗 , but that 's another story . ) I remember that Germans and Japanese were seen by Americans only as crude fighters and idiots , especially in the media , i . e . films at that time . Hogan 's Heroes was a television show we liked to watch in the seventies , when I lived here , paraphrasing this prejudiced view of Germans . In the meantime most Germans - if you may generalize at all - have become extremely peaceful , even " cowads " , avoiding conflict by all means . An exception might be the worldwide trend to violence . This " black " image of Germany and Germans is picked up and enhanced by the Rammstein group , as I see it . I trust in their genuine feelings towards their shows , sounds and songs , but the effect is a highly effective and successful perpetuation and use of negative prejudices of Germans as Germanic . And it is fascist . The lengths of the Wikipedia texts clouds these negative connotations . I see this as a newcomer . Fans may not see that . Why are their texts fascist ? I just heared one text , one song that alerted me : Haifish ( shark ) . It is a fine parody to Brecht - Weill 's Threepenny Opera , that was one of the showpieces of the theater am Schiffbauerdamm in communist East Berlin . As a student , living in West Berlin , I had loved this theatre and this play . Rammstein was founded in Berlin by an East German . Back to the shark : " We stick together , there 's no one to stop us " , " We remain loyal to you , … , we follow the rules " - this sounds very militant to me , loyal instead of moral , brutal rather than stopping to think when in doubt . " We keep the speed . We keep our word . If one does not keep up with us , we all stop " . And do what ? , I ask . Punish him or her ? To whom did we give " our word " ? ( Remeber that the death of many , many German soldiers , including my father 's , was morally due to their [ required ] oath to Hitler himself . ) All that does not sound even remotely peaceful or democratic . " You may think of us whatever you want , we grab what 's ours ( » halten uns schadlos « ) , we 'll never stand still " . This is a movement , and to me one that follows a leader , follows rules no matter what , unhaltable , uncorrectable , marching on . Pure fascism , only superficially covered by flashbacks to the Treepenny Opera ( the shark in tears ) . In fact " The Shark " may be a good title : hiding , agressive and extremely dangerous . Especially as a " culture " . Back to the USA . In the morning I had to do some shopping and to mail the one heavy carton home . It would have cost 115 Dollars , so I took it back … Gisela nd Carla packed , Gisela reserved a hotel in South Lake Tahoe , I repaired yet another couple of things here , entrance gate , dog gate , night light for the patio , more . In the afternoon I had a fine , long drive to the " Soquel Demonstration State Forest " , that I 'd have seen from Schaerlis , 18 miles of a relatively good road via Corralitos , past some strage " training centers " . At the published address 29400 Highland Way ( Los Gatos ) - nothing . A bit further we found the slim entrance bridge by a biker , repairing his mountain bike . The park is unattended . Kris and I wandered in , an hour perhaps , met some bikers , and saw fine Sequoia trees , a fine forest with interesting points but no view to the other side of the valley . At ten ten we got " driving " . First stop gasoline and sandwiches . Spanish . Gasoline " pay first " , sandwiches good and fresh . We ate them on 680 . Around Sacramento rich traffic , but nor queues . We stopped in nowhereland , 32 ° C , hot sun , happy singing birds , photoes . Next Stop a Safeway on the way up the 50 to the pass . Spectacular view of the huge lake , from the pass just a slim blue ribbon afar . Gisela sped down , to my dismay . I like to stop often , look , walk , explore , take pictures . So when we arrived at our hotel " Base Camp " in South Lake Tahoe I stayed in the car while Gisela and Carla went to the office to get the room keys . We then schlepped all baggage up to the first floor room and into it , just to find out that it was already occupied . So we got another elsewhere . That had had no private balcony , that Gisela needs . So we waited for yet another room to be found , and got one , excellently looking at the mountain , some snow on top , the burnt forest , the cableway ( the Americans have no popular word for that , call it tram ) . The room is luxuriously big , two huge double beds , most modern TV , all gadgets including a night light in the bathroom and European style faucet . The rest is in " basecamp style " with simulated raw waterpiping for handles and toilet paper hold and simulated canvas : just add rings every three inces at the rim of fabricsand you 've got this rough expedition feeling . Fitting Wifi password : exploretahoe . Thursday , June 15th , 2017 - Tahoe I woke up at six , and at seven had an interesting talk with the manager ( ? ) who watered the lawn with the new grass seeds . He told me about the Nevada California border line along the street . That explains the huge glass casino that overshadows all traditioninal small houses , hotels and setting here . Around nine we all went to a primitive " basecamp " breakfast . We discussed if the cableway operates , most people said no , only tomorrow , and we found out that there are two cableways here , one nearby in town ( running , but in servide mode ) and another one , a long one up to the mountain . This one we could not find . Maps here are miserable , pure advertizing , including Google 's . Try to find the name of a river or mountain there : You 'll find the restaurant with that name .
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Today was the boys ' 2nd Halloween and Ava 's 4th . . . last year we pushed our sweet little Mickey Mouse babies around and Ava dressed as an Angel . I remember visiting Logan after everyone went to bed that night . : - ( I think about all I am missing out on , not getting to show off my triplets together . They should all be crawling and standing now . Instead I had a very hyper wild baby giraffe named Andrew and a special grouchy giraffe named Jacob tonight . Logan did not need a costume he is already my Angel Boy . Yoi know I used to call him this when he was alive , I used to make up songs and sing to him about being mama 's angel boy . Never thought he really would be my angel boy in Heaven . Ava was a sweet bumble bee she got lots of candy and is currently sleeping with her bag of candy next to her daddy in my bed . I don 't know what is wrong with me . I 've continue to have feelings of jealousy and self pity . I am having a hard time shaking it . I have met a lot of triplet moms since I became pregnant with my boys . I have befriended several . It does not bother me to be around them . I am happy to see their children so healthy and developing well . Where I have this issue is watching mine and not getting to enjoy what everyone else has . Why can 't I have 3 little babies all about to start walking . Why can 't I even have 2 babies that are starting to walk . Jacob has not been doing well over the past few weeks . He is having a lot of " seizure like " activity . He is starting to get tight again , he is not eating well at all and he is arching like crazy . From an illness state he is doing better than he was a little more than a week ago , he is just not being the Jacob he was 4 or 5 weeks ago . I am getting concerned he is back sliding more . This is really hard for me . Watching Jacob bounce up and down with sickness and health just brings back so many painful memories of Logan 's health issues . I have fears that he is slipping farther and farther way . Will he eventually just be a vegetable ? Will he even show emotion anymore ? Anyways for some reason it just hurt tonight when I was looking at pictures some of the triplet moms posted on their facebook pages with their triplet strollers and 3 babies dressed in sweet costumes . Will I ever get over this ? ? ? Its so weird . I hate feeling like this . I don 't really think it is so much the " triplet " part , but just the big healthy baby part and how I don 't have 2 or 3 big healthy babies . I am so greatful Andrew is doing so well . I thank God for his health everyday . Things I used to except and just trust in God with have become very hard . I had total faith that Logan was going to be okay . I truly 100 % believe God would heal him . God did not heal him like I wanted . He did heal him , he took away the pain , and gave him ever lasting life in Heaven . While he knows no pain and no sorrow , my heart feels as though it has been ripped out of my chest . He is gone . . gone . . . gone . . . gone . . . . gone . Some days it doesn 't even seem real . I wake up and wonder if it was just a dream . . . Then I poured my heart into my surviving triplets every one who reads this blog and know me knows this , . I have nearly dedicated my life to Jacob . My heart can 't help but feel heavy . The more he does not respond , the more illnesses he has , the more spastic , the more seizures , the less he eats , the more I see his toes curl down , etc I don 't know how much I can handle . I think back . . . a child on the brink of death should be much harder than cerebral palsy , but for me its not . With Logan like I have wrote before . I didn 't really see any long term uncertainty with him . I knew their were only 2 options either his lungs start getting better or they don 't . I was blanketed in prayers . I know without God and all the prayers that were sent up for me and my family , I would have probably have been in the loony bin . Now , I feel alone . I know God is always with me , but I just feel alone though . I hate that Jacob has to be the way he is . I REALLY HATE IT ! I don 't understand why God chose me to be his mother , I don 't understand why he has to struggle so much . Why did Logan and Jacob have to have TTTS causing all these things to happen to ours sons and our family . Jacob 's smile can light up a room , he touches people . I know people are intrigued by him . I wish I could just hear from God . . . I want to feel that comfort I felt before . I hate uncertainty . I hate thinking about how he is going to get big one day and I may not be able to take care of him anymore . How on earth will I be able to take care of him when he is BIG ! I had to stop mySorry you have read through my rabble this was just me releasing my feeling and giving myself a pep talk to keep getting through the days . I believe God is answering some prayers for use this week . We are all still mildly sick , but much improved from the past 2 weeks . Jacob was solely tube fed for nearly 2 weeks . he has been eating by mouth since yesterday , but I am having to thicken his liquids quite a bit his suck is kinda weak and not as coordinated has it has been . Hopefully over the next week as he continues to get better this will improve . Jacob had an extremely good day with his physical therapist . When he has good days like this , it gives me a glimpse of hope to see what his potential is . Unfortunately he does all these wonderful things 1 day and then stops doing them for weeks and months ! Anyways we will rejoice in what God brings me and be grateful for the " good " days and continue to pray there is many more good days to come . Jacob was very alert and active today . He was standing well in his walker and when his hands were held . He has had very good head control today . He was sitting with his arms supported on a table without arching backwards . He was mimicking sounds . For example , I asked Andrew if he wanted to go night night and Jacob blurts out very loudly I might add nightnightnightnightnightnightnight LOL Andrew and Jacob were crying night night in unison yesterday . The PT also had him rolling and laying on his side . He really tries hard to roll , he gets about 3 / 4 of the way there , but he just doesn 't have the coordination yet to complete the task . He extends his arms and opens his hands up . I have notice less of him clenching fists and retracting arms to his chest . Anyways I almost wish I would have taken a video of how well behaved he was being today . His vision is another issue though . . . I think his glasses are doing nothing for him now . If anything they are making it worse . He hardly tracks at all . He will still follow the spinning light globe thing , but does not look toward the TV anymore . He does not look at your face or follow you when you move across the room . His eyes cross in alot , which I guess is a good thing . It show that he is trying to see . His appointment is this Friday . I hope the doctor has positive things to say and solutions for him . I think maybe a different prescription . Andrew is doing very well . As always he tends to do everything his own way in and in HIS order . He is now attempting to climb furniture . I caught him standing on the shelf under the end table in the living room . He pulled himself up and then proceeded to put his feet up on the shelve and climb . He gets really mad when he realizes he can 't get on top of the table lol . Yesterday he tried to put his foot on the couch and pull himself from the floor to the couch . LOL he might be able to climb on furniture before he can even stand alone or walk . His babbling has become clearer . He is saying mama and da - de to the correct person . He also cries night night when he is tired and ba ba . I am still working with him trying to get him to clap his hands and wave bye bye . Ava is obsessed with showering , washing her hands , changing her cloths 1000x a day and brushing her teeth and hair . . . I suppose this is a good thing LOL . She is getting better at school . She is warming up to the other kids a little and is starting to interact with them . Jack and I are on mission weight loss . We started Body by Vi milkshake things . Basically like slim fast except you make your own . I am only on day 3 but I am STARVING ! I don 't like the taste of the shake power itself it is cream flavored . You can add whatever you want to them to flavor . We have tried strawberries and bananas , pineapple , and peanut butter and banana . Pineapple did not mask the taste I do not like , but a teaspoon of peanut butter and an entire banana does the trick . It is actually pretty darn good . We eat small snacks 2x a day I try to keep them under 150 calories and then a healthier dinner . I SO look forward to dinner every night now lol I know this is not a " good " or permanent form of weight loss , but you loose weight fast and Jack and I are so heavy that is what we need right now , then we will transition over to weight watchers again . I have an appointment for a lap - band orientation on November 11th I believe . I am still going to look to that route unless I really impress myself over the next few months . I 'm hoping Jack joins me . . I need to see if his insurance covers it still . This morning Andrew and Jacob had their 15 month old check up . It was suppose to be a " well baby " check up , but . . . that never works with my kids . They are still sick Sick SICK ! Jacob has his very 1st ear infection in his left ear . So even though we were at a " well baby " check we still got antibiotics . : - / So , because of this ear infection NO MORE HYPERBARIC for now . She said 10 days . We are suppose to be finished on the 29th , so we would be able to go back on the 27th . I 'm not going back for 2 days . Gas was killing us anyways . The gas between my car and Jack 's work commute was costing approximently $ 1170 a month ! On average I filled up every other day except weekends and Jack fills up 3 times in 2 weeks I think . There was the 6 days we spent in th hospital , but we were still having to drive to Tampa . . blah anyways . I 'm glad it is over for now 2 months in a row was just a little to much . I may try it 1 more time in January . This biggest thing I must say I have seen a noticable difference in him is head control and muscle tone . Even the doctor noticed today how much better he is doing keeping his head up longer . Next big appointments for Jacob is 24 hour EEG on the 25th and he sees the the Light House for the Blind eye doctor on the 29th . I think they will change his Rx on his glasses . They don 't seem to be working as well as they were when he 1st got them . His eyes are crossing in again when he trys to focus . Today we participated in the Sweet Pea Project and released a balloon for Logan and Ava release one for our miscarriage in February 2008 at Barnett Park . It was hard knowing that everyone around me had lost a child or children as well . It took a lot not to cry . It was very sweet . I think I will do it every year . On an upbeat to make the occasion less sad their was a classic car show going on with music and lots of people . Ava got to see the Weenie Mobile today and got her 1st Weenie whistle . I got a picture of it , but I am to lazy to upload the picture from my camera . I have to be at work in 7 hours I should really go to bed . Back on track now . . . . we released the balloons at 6pm 10 / 15 / 2010 . Ava screamed for a hot dog after leaving the weenie mobile . We had to stop in a gas station to get her one LOL . We picked up pizza . When we got home we burned 2 candles for an hour . Apparently we were suppose to start burning them at 7pm . . well we never do anything on time around here so ours burned from 7 : 30 - 8 : 30 . : - ) We burned 1 for Logan and 1 for a pregnancy loss which Jack decided tonight he was going to call Amber : - / I think that is a little weird . : - ) I sat at home and gorged myself with more food than 1 person should eat in a day much less 1 sitting . It 's okay we are starting some new diet thing as soon as it comes in the mail . . . we will see how that will go . I don 't believe I have mentioned it because I know I am always talking about sick kids , but Andrew and Jacob are having their monthly sicky right now . . . it started I 'd say about 4 days ago . I am hoping it is peaking and will be getting better next week . Jacob has been tube feed for 3 days now . He will not even suck . Andrew is not eating very much . Jacob is also doing his vomiting like he did before that landed him in the hospital . I think I have a little better control over it now . I stopped feeding him over night because 2 of the 4 night I have woke up to find him covered in vomit ! ! ! Andrew has even been throwing up a little . Please pray for them and our family . I jLogan 's balloon Today Jack and I will be remembering Logan by going to Barnett Park and doing a balloon release for Logan at 6pm . When we come home , we will be lighting a candle in his memory . For anyone who would like to light a candle for Logan and all the other babies that have passed I believe to official candle lighting is at 7pm . " These are my footprints , so perfect and so small . These tiny footprints never touched the ground at all . Not one tiny footprint , for now I have wings . These tiny footprints were meant for other things . You will hear my tiny footprints , in the patter of the rain . Gentle drops like angel 's tears , of joy and not from pain . You will see my tiny footprints , in each butterflies ' lazy dance . I 'll let you know I 'm with you , if you just give me the chance . You will see my tiny footprints , in the rustle of the leaves . I will whisper names into the wind , and call each one that grieves . Most of all , these tiny footprints , are found on Mommy and Daddy 's hearts . ' Cause even though I 'm gone now , We 'll never truly part . " ~ Unknown I have myself totally convinced that Jacob may be having Infantile Spasms . Not sure if I even mentioned this before . Last Thursday when the Early Interventionist was working with Jacob , toward the end of her hour she came over to me and tells me , " He seems to be having more seizure activity today and I have noticed it more in the last 2 weeks than I 've seen him have before . " I look at her confused . I have heard her say things to me in the past like " seems like he has had less seizure activity today . " So I finally ask her that day what the heck she is talking about . He is on seizure meds for an abnormal EEG , but I have never seen him have a " seizure " . She explains to me that she think he is having mini cluster seizures or what she referred to as break through seizures . So , I asked her what she though a seizure was . She tells me to watch him . She said he will go from doing whatever he is doing then he will stiffen his arms and / or legs . Usually his arms go strait in the air and his head arches back a little and turns slightly to the side . When this happens he stops drooling and making noise . The entire thing happens in less than 5 seconds . Then he will go back to what he is doing and in a minute he will do this 7 or 8 times . Then he will stop for a little bit . At this point he will usually loose focus on what we are trying to get him to do . Then it will happen all over again . Things that concern me : Of course you know I researched the web and youtube to see what an Infantile Spasm was . A . Most people mistake this ' seizure ' as a startle reflex , or in Jacob 's case as spastic movements . B . the arching back stiffness is mistaken as reflux . Though Jacob enjoys vomiting when he is sick , when he is well he does not vomit at all . He has had several upper GI studies that showed minimal reflux , that even the doctor said the minimal reflux they see would not usually cause the projectile vomiting , screaming , and arching he has done for month and months . C . Most of these ' seisures ' start occurring between 6 - 8 months . Some of his really jerky movements that I considered to be spastic movements because he was getting bigger started around this time to his adjusted age . He should be 1 on 10 - 10 - 10 if they were born on their projected due date . His brain damage is so extensive , that seizures are very common and I considered myself very lucky that he had not had any seizures . . . . well , if what the Early Interventionist thinks is seizures is trues then he has been having them for many months and I never caught on to it not being normal for him and his CP . I trust her option . She is a RN and has been one for many years . She worked most of her career in the NICU . She never told me Infantile Spasms , but when explaining it to a friend , she asked if that is what it was because she knew someone else who had a kid that did the same thing . Hmm . Jacob is already considered blind , which could be from his initial damage and I really have no clue where he is cognitively . He seems to some what know what is going on around him . I called the neurologist right after she left last Thursday . Of course no one called me back until last Friday , then they said they would get him in for a video EEG ASAP 1st thing next week . Monday passes . . . . I call and I am told the girl who does the schedule will call me back , Tuesday passes , I call again Wednesday and they tell me once again that the girl who does the schedule will call back and that they faxed the Rx over to the hospital . On Thursday I decided just to call the hospital myself . Apparently on the Rx they sent over read this : they wrote " scheduled for this week " So the lady that is suppose to call me thought it had been scheduled already . So I ask for an appointment and she says well , we definitely are not going to get him in this week , or next . . . so he has an appointment for a 24hr videoed EEG on the 25th of this month : - / I think I will call the Doctor 's office again this week to see if they can pull some strings . That office staff is horrible though , and I think I will be scheduling a new patient visit with a different pediatric neurologist in the near future . I don 't care if I have to drive a little further to get there . Hell all his other specialist are in Tampa or Orlando . Jacob is still in a non - sick state . His congestion that he always has is hardly there . Knock on WOOD ! That I don 't report this and repost in a few days he is sick ! ! Nothing new , exciting , or fantastic going on with him . I would not say he is regressing , but defiantly not progressing . I feel like we are sitting still not even baby steps forward : - ( . Jacob never does anything consistently . He will not even take steps this week . He takes his glasses off all the time . I can hardly get him to wear them . I still have not noticed any major difference with him wearing them . He still does not track objects or at least small ones and he will not track anything that does not have a light . So I 'm not sure if this glasses have helped his vision at all or if they have , very little . He still seems like he looks at me more when I hold him . He gets excited when I walk toward him . So he does recognize someone standing by him . Oh , I just don 't know anymore . The HBOT is free , but we are spending a little over $ 500 in gas every 2 weeks between Jack driving the 32 miles to his job and me driving the 60 something miles one way to St . Pete . I 'm getting tired . I tired of rushing around to get things done in the morning and spending the entire afternoon on the interstate . I hope Jack takes him by himself tomorrow or Thursday . He insists that we drag the whole family on his day off to go because he does not want to drive by himself . He tells me it is not fair because I make my sister come with me when I go . This is only because I make her get in the chamber with him so I do not have to : - ) Honestly at this point it would be nice to have some " alone " time in the car . I 'm never alone unless you consider me sitting up at 1am while everyone is asleep as alone time . I need some get out of the house by myself time ! ! ! Andrew is a MONSTER ! He is a big bad MONSTER ! That kid does not stop for nothing . His entire day consists of leaving a path of destruction behind him . He did good this morning working with the early interventionist . She got him to sit still for almost an hour putting shapes in and out of a bucket . I worry about him . I worry if he is going to have attention problems and learning problems or if he is just being a boy . Kinda bothers me that some of the other multiples I know that are months younger than him are standing and walking already . Oh well I am continuing trying to take everything one day at a time , and not think to far into the future . I think I need a better antidepressant . I am so tired all the time I can 't even make myself get up and exercise . I so looked forward to my Zumba DVDs and I just stare at the box . I know I would feel better and have more energy if I would just get up and do it . I was watching all those I used to be fat shows the other night . Makes me so much more depressed that I want to eat a cookie . So I am taking small steps like trying to avoid eating fast food on the way to St Pete and on the way back . . . and when I do stop it is a kids meal and not a full meal with a Large coke . : - ) Mmmm McDonalds french fries Oh how they have me addicted . I watched Ava do her ballet today at school . They are so freaking cute , but I am not sure the $ $ I spend to let her go is worth the 30 minutes of kids dancing around 1 time a week . There are to many kids in the class for her to actually learn anything , but hey I guess it is some exercise for her and she gets to wear he pink ballet tutu LOL I met Jack while I was still in high school . We have been together ever since . We have been married for 5 years . He is a great dad . He works extra hard to provide for all of us . I love you ! @ 5 years old : Our 1st born . My husband and I love her so much . She is our spoiled little princess . It has been such a joy watching our tiny little girl growing up . She is to smart for her own good sometimes . She loves her brothers . This was the last picture I took of him before he got sick about 5 days before he died . He is Triplet " A " He was the fighter . He was stubborn before he wa born and stayed that way until his final days . He fought so hard to stay with us , but God had other plans for him . I miss him and think of him every day , but I know he is at peace now . He no longer has to live with breathing tubes , machines and monitors . I keep my faith that we will all be together again one day . @ 3 years old : Jacob is Triplet " B " He is Logan 's identical twin . He was also the recipient from the Twin to Twin Transfusion . This caused him to have to much blood flow before he was born . He had a large amount of amniotic fluid around him and an enlarged heart . 3 days before he left the NICU we were shocked to find out he had severe brain damage . Prior to him leaving the hospital he had achieved everything as well as his brother Andrew . He has cysts covering large portions of his peridal lobe and right frontal lobes . We do not know what caused his damage . He never had a brain bleed and nothing bad happened in the NICU that we know of . The doctor seems to belive it was caused by the TTTS , but 1 week old Ultrasounds showed his brain to be " normal " at that time . He has been diagnosed with Spastic Quadriplegic Cerebral Palsy . He also has cortical visual impairment , severe reflux ( GERD ) , partial seizures , a g - tube . He can not do a lot right now , but we have faith that he will someday . He has some head control and can pull his chest off the ground and turn his head side to side . He has even surprised us a few times and rolled over . @ 3 years old : Triplet " C " he just hung out will his brother caused havic before they were born . He was a perfect infant and just did his own thing . As he is going into the toddler days he is definately developing his own curious personality . While he may have sat on the sidelines when they were small . He makes himself known these days . He has become quite vocal over the past few months . He learned how to walk when he was 21 months old . He climbs everything ! He is a sweet boy and is Ava 's best friend . Our newest little blessing . Ava is over the moon for her . she is such a great addition to our family and I can 't wait to see what kind of person she grows into . 1 . Spastic Quadriplegic Cerbral Palsy 2 . GERD ( reflux ) 3 . Aspiration pneumonia 4 . G - tube fed 5 . Multicystic encephalomlacia bilateral peridal lobe damage 6 . Cortical Visual Impairment ( CVI ) 7 . Reactive Airway Disease ( RAD ) - Asthma 8 . Epilepsy - partial seizures 9 . Chronic congestion 10 . Chronic vomiting 11 . Hypothyroidism
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Today was the boys ' 2nd Halloween and Ava 's 4th . . . last year we pushed our sweet little Mickey Mouse babies around and Ava dressed as an Angel . I remember visiting Logan after everyone went to bed that night . : - ( I think about all I am missing out on , not getting to show off my triplets together . They should all be crawling and standing now . Instead I had a very hyper wild baby giraffe named Andrew and a special grouchy giraffe named Jacob tonight . Logan did not need a costume he is already my Angel Boy . Yoi know I used to call him this when he was alive , I used to make up songs and sing to him about being mama 's angel boy . Never thought he really would be my angel boy in Heaven . Ava was a sweet bumble bee she got lots of candy and is currently sleeping with her bag of candy next to her daddy in my bed . I don 't know what is wrong with me . I 've continue to have feelings of jealousy and self pity . I am having a hard time shaking it . I have met a lot of triplet moms since I became pregnant with my boys . I have befriended several . It does not bother me to be around them . I am happy to see their children so healthy and developing well . Where I have this issue is watching mine and not getting to enjoy what everyone else has . Why can 't I have 3 little babies all about to start walking . Why can 't I even have 2 babies that are starting to walk . Jacob has not been doing well over the past few weeks . He is having a lot of " seizure like " activity . He is starting to get tight again , he is not eating well at all and he is arching like crazy . From an illness state he is doing better than he was a little more than a week ago , he is just not being the Jacob he was 4 or 5 weeks ago . I am getting concerned he is back sliding more . This is really hard for me . Watching Jacob bounce up and down with sickness and health just brings back so many painful memories of Logan 's health issues . I have fears that he is slipping farther and farther way . Will he eventually just be a vegetable ? Will he even show emotion anymore ? Anyways for some reason it just hurt tonight when I was looking at pictures some of the triplet moms posted on their facebook pages with their triplet strollers and 3 babies dressed in sweet costumes . Will I ever get over this ? ? ? Its so weird . I hate feeling like this . I don 't really think it is so much the " triplet " part , but just the big healthy baby part and how I don 't have 2 or 3 big healthy babies . I am so greatful Andrew is doing so well . I thank God for his health everyday . Things I used to except and just trust in God with have become very hard . I had total faith that Logan was going to be okay . I truly 100 % believe God would heal him . God did not heal him like I wanted . He did heal him , he took away the pain , and gave him ever lasting life in Heaven . While he knows no pain and no sorrow , my heart feels as though it has been ripped out of my chest . He is gone . . gone . . . gone . . . gone . . . . gone . Some days it doesn 't even seem real . I wake up and wonder if it was just a dream . . . Then I poured my heart into my surviving triplets every one who reads this blog and know me knows this , . I have nearly dedicated my life to Jacob . My heart can 't help but feel heavy . The more he does not respond , the more illnesses he has , the more spastic , the more seizures , the less he eats , the more I see his toes curl down , etc I don 't know how much I can handle . I think back . . . a child on the brink of death should be much harder than cerebral palsy , but for me its not . With Logan like I have wrote before . I didn 't really see any long term uncertainty with him . I knew their were only 2 options either his lungs start getting better or they don 't . I was blanketed in prayers . I know without God and all the prayers that were sent up for me and my family , I would have probably have been in the loony bin . Now , I feel alone . I know God is always with me , but I just feel alone though . I hate that Jacob has to be the way he is . I REALLY HATE IT ! I don 't understand why God chose me to be his mother , I don 't understand why he has to struggle so much . Why did Logan and Jacob have to have TTTS causing all these things to happen to ours sons and our family . Jacob 's smile can light up a room , he touches people . I know people are intrigued by him . I wish I could just hear from God . . . I want to feel that comfort I felt before . I hate uncertainty . I hate thinking about how he is going to get big one day and I may not be able to take care of him anymore . How on earth will I be able to take care of him when he is BIG ! I had to stop mySorry you have read through my rabble this was just me releasing my feeling and giving myself a pep talk to keep getting through the days . I believe God is answering some prayers for use this week . We are all still mildly sick , but much improved from the past 2 weeks . Jacob was solely tube fed for nearly 2 weeks . he has been eating by mouth since yesterday , but I am having to thicken his liquids quite a bit his suck is kinda weak and not as coordinated has it has been . Hopefully over the next week as he continues to get better this will improve . Jacob had an extremely good day with his physical therapist . When he has good days like this , it gives me a glimpse of hope to see what his potential is . Unfortunately he does all these wonderful things 1 day and then stops doing them for weeks and months ! Anyways we will rejoice in what God brings me and be grateful for the " good " days and continue to pray there is many more good days to come . Jacob was very alert and active today . He was standing well in his walker and when his hands were held . He has had very good head control today . He was sitting with his arms supported on a table without arching backwards . He was mimicking sounds . For example , I asked Andrew if he wanted to go night night and Jacob blurts out very loudly I might add nightnightnightnightnightnightnight LOL Andrew and Jacob were crying night night in unison yesterday . The PT also had him rolling and laying on his side . He really tries hard to roll , he gets about 3 / 4 of the way there , but he just doesn 't have the coordination yet to complete the task . He extends his arms and opens his hands up . I have notice less of him clenching fists and retracting arms to his chest . Anyways I almost wish I would have taken a video of how well behaved he was being today . His vision is another issue though . . . I think his glasses are doing nothing for him now . If anything they are making it worse . He hardly tracks at all . He will still follow the spinning light globe thing , but does not look toward the TV anymore . He does not look at your face or follow you when you move across the room . His eyes cross in alot , which I guess is a good thing . It show that he is trying to see . His appointment is this Friday . I hope the doctor has positive things to say and solutions for him . I think maybe a different prescription . Andrew is doing very well . As always he tends to do everything his own way in and in HIS order . He is now attempting to climb furniture . I caught him standing on the shelf under the end table in the living room . He pulled himself up and then proceeded to put his feet up on the shelve and climb . He gets really mad when he realizes he can 't get on top of the table lol . Yesterday he tried to put his foot on the couch and pull himself from the floor to the couch . LOL he might be able to climb on furniture before he can even stand alone or walk . His babbling has become clearer . He is saying mama and da - de to the correct person . He also cries night night when he is tired and ba ba . I am still working with him trying to get him to clap his hands and wave bye bye . Ava is obsessed with showering , washing her hands , changing her cloths 1000x a day and brushing her teeth and hair . . . I suppose this is a good thing LOL . She is getting better at school . She is warming up to the other kids a little and is starting to interact with them . Jack and I are on mission weight loss . We started Body by Vi milkshake things . Basically like slim fast except you make your own . I am only on day 3 but I am STARVING ! I don 't like the taste of the shake power itself it is cream flavored . You can add whatever you want to them to flavor . We have tried strawberries and bananas , pineapple , and peanut butter and banana . Pineapple did not mask the taste I do not like , but a teaspoon of peanut butter and an entire banana does the trick . It is actually pretty darn good . We eat small snacks 2x a day I try to keep them under 150 calories and then a healthier dinner . I SO look forward to dinner every night now lol I know this is not a " good " or permanent form of weight loss , but you loose weight fast and Jack and I are so heavy that is what we need right now , then we will transition over to weight watchers again . I have an appointment for a lap - band orientation on November 11th I believe . I am still going to look to that route unless I really impress myself over the next few months . I 'm hoping Jack joins me . . I need to see if his insurance covers it still . This morning Andrew and Jacob had their 15 month old check up . It was suppose to be a " well baby " check up , but . . . that never works with my kids . They are still sick Sick SICK ! Jacob has his very 1st ear infection in his left ear . So even though we were at a " well baby " check we still got antibiotics . : - / So , because of this ear infection NO MORE HYPERBARIC for now . She said 10 days . We are suppose to be finished on the 29th , so we would be able to go back on the 27th . I 'm not going back for 2 days . Gas was killing us anyways . The gas between my car and Jack 's work commute was costing approximently $ 1170 a month ! On average I filled up every other day except weekends and Jack fills up 3 times in 2 weeks I think . There was the 6 days we spent in th hospital , but we were still having to drive to Tampa . . blah anyways . I 'm glad it is over for now 2 months in a row was just a little to much . I may try it 1 more time in January . This biggest thing I must say I have seen a noticable difference in him is head control and muscle tone . Even the doctor noticed today how much better he is doing keeping his head up longer . Next big appointments for Jacob is 24 hour EEG on the 25th and he sees the the Light House for the Blind eye doctor on the 29th . I think they will change his Rx on his glasses . They don 't seem to be working as well as they were when he 1st got them . His eyes are crossing in again when he trys to focus . Today we participated in the Sweet Pea Project and released a balloon for Logan and Ava release one for our miscarriage in February 2008 at Barnett Park . It was hard knowing that everyone around me had lost a child or children as well . It took a lot not to cry . It was very sweet . I think I will do it every year . On an upbeat to make the occasion less sad their was a classic car show going on with music and lots of people . Ava got to see the Weenie Mobile today and got her 1st Weenie whistle . I got a picture of it , but I am to lazy to upload the picture from my camera . I have to be at work in 7 hours I should really go to bed . Back on track now . . . . we released the balloons at 6pm 10 / 15 / 2010 . Ava screamed for a hot dog after leaving the weenie mobile . We had to stop in a gas station to get her one LOL . We picked up pizza . When we got home we burned 2 candles for an hour . Apparently we were suppose to start burning them at 7pm . . well we never do anything on time around here so ours burned from 7 : 30 - 8 : 30 . : - ) We burned 1 for Logan and 1 for a pregnancy loss which Jack decided tonight he was going to call Amber : - / I think that is a little weird . : - ) I sat at home and gorged myself with more food than 1 person should eat in a day much less 1 sitting . It 's okay we are starting some new diet thing as soon as it comes in the mail . . . we will see how that will go . I don 't believe I have mentioned it because I know I am always talking about sick kids , but Andrew and Jacob are having their monthly sicky right now . . . it started I 'd say about 4 days ago . I am hoping it is peaking and will be getting better next week . Jacob has been tube feed for 3 days now . He will not even suck . Andrew is not eating very much . Jacob is also doing his vomiting like he did before that landed him in the hospital . I think I have a little better control over it now . I stopped feeding him over night because 2 of the 4 night I have woke up to find him covered in vomit ! ! ! Andrew has even been throwing up a little . Please pray for them and our family . I jLogan 's balloon Today Jack and I will be remembering Logan by going to Barnett Park and doing a balloon release for Logan at 6pm . When we come home , we will be lighting a candle in his memory . For anyone who would like to light a candle for Logan and all the other babies that have passed I believe to official candle lighting is at 7pm . " These are my footprints , so perfect and so small . These tiny footprints never touched the ground at all . Not one tiny footprint , for now I have wings . These tiny footprints were meant for other things . You will hear my tiny footprints , in the patter of the rain . Gentle drops like angel 's tears , of joy and not from pain . You will see my tiny footprints , in each butterflies ' lazy dance . I 'll let you know I 'm with you , if you just give me the chance . You will see my tiny footprints , in the rustle of the leaves . I will whisper names into the wind , and call each one that grieves . Most of all , these tiny footprints , are found on Mommy and Daddy 's hearts . ' Cause even though I 'm gone now , We 'll never truly part . " ~ Unknown I have myself totally convinced that Jacob may be having Infantile Spasms . Not sure if I even mentioned this before . Last Thursday when the Early Interventionist was working with Jacob , toward the end of her hour she came over to me and tells me , " He seems to be having more seizure activity today and I have noticed it more in the last 2 weeks than I 've seen him have before . " I look at her confused . I have heard her say things to me in the past like " seems like he has had less seizure activity today . " So I finally ask her that day what the heck she is talking about . He is on seizure meds for an abnormal EEG , but I have never seen him have a " seizure " . She explains to me that she think he is having mini cluster seizures or what she referred to as break through seizures . So , I asked her what she though a seizure was . She tells me to watch him . She said he will go from doing whatever he is doing then he will stiffen his arms and / or legs . Usually his arms go strait in the air and his head arches back a little and turns slightly to the side . When this happens he stops drooling and making noise . The entire thing happens in less than 5 seconds . Then he will go back to what he is doing and in a minute he will do this 7 or 8 times . Then he will stop for a little bit . At this point he will usually loose focus on what we are trying to get him to do . Then it will happen all over again . Things that concern me : Of course you know I researched the web and youtube to see what an Infantile Spasm was . A . Most people mistake this ' seizure ' as a startle reflex , or in Jacob 's case as spastic movements . B . the arching back stiffness is mistaken as reflux . Though Jacob enjoys vomiting when he is sick , when he is well he does not vomit at all . He has had several upper GI studies that showed minimal reflux , that even the doctor said the minimal reflux they see would not usually cause the projectile vomiting , screaming , and arching he has done for month and months . C . Most of these ' seisures ' start occurring between 6 - 8 months . Some of his really jerky movements that I considered to be spastic movements because he was getting bigger started around this time to his adjusted age . He should be 1 on 10 - 10 - 10 if they were born on their projected due date . His brain damage is so extensive , that seizures are very common and I considered myself very lucky that he had not had any seizures . . . . well , if what the Early Interventionist thinks is seizures is trues then he has been having them for many months and I never caught on to it not being normal for him and his CP . I trust her option . She is a RN and has been one for many years . She worked most of her career in the NICU . She never told me Infantile Spasms , but when explaining it to a friend , she asked if that is what it was because she knew someone else who had a kid that did the same thing . Hmm . Jacob is already considered blind , which could be from his initial damage and I really have no clue where he is cognitively . He seems to some what know what is going on around him . I called the neurologist right after she left last Thursday . Of course no one called me back until last Friday , then they said they would get him in for a video EEG ASAP 1st thing next week . Monday passes . . . . I call and I am told the girl who does the schedule will call me back , Tuesday passes , I call again Wednesday and they tell me once again that the girl who does the schedule will call back and that they faxed the Rx over to the hospital . On Thursday I decided just to call the hospital myself . Apparently on the Rx they sent over read this : they wrote " scheduled for this week " So the lady that is suppose to call me thought it had been scheduled already . So I ask for an appointment and she says well , we definitely are not going to get him in this week , or next . . . so he has an appointment for a 24hr videoed EEG on the 25th of this month : - / I think I will call the Doctor 's office again this week to see if they can pull some strings . That office staff is horrible though , and I think I will be scheduling a new patient visit with a different pediatric neurologist in the near future . I don 't care if I have to drive a little further to get there . Hell all his other specialist are in Tampa or Orlando . Jacob is still in a non - sick state . His congestion that he always has is hardly there . Knock on WOOD ! That I don 't report this and repost in a few days he is sick ! ! Nothing new , exciting , or fantastic going on with him . I would not say he is regressing , but defiantly not progressing . I feel like we are sitting still not even baby steps forward : - ( . Jacob never does anything consistently . He will not even take steps this week . He takes his glasses off all the time . I can hardly get him to wear them . I still have not noticed any major difference with him wearing them . He still does not track objects or at least small ones and he will not track anything that does not have a light . So I 'm not sure if this glasses have helped his vision at all or if they have , very little . He still seems like he looks at me more when I hold him . He gets excited when I walk toward him . So he does recognize someone standing by him . Oh , I just don 't know anymore . The HBOT is free , but we are spending a little over $ 500 in gas every 2 weeks between Jack driving the 32 miles to his job and me driving the 60 something miles one way to St . Pete . I 'm getting tired . I tired of rushing around to get things done in the morning and spending the entire afternoon on the interstate . I hope Jack takes him by himself tomorrow or Thursday . He insists that we drag the whole family on his day off to go because he does not want to drive by himself . He tells me it is not fair because I make my sister come with me when I go . This is only because I make her get in the chamber with him so I do not have to : - ) Honestly at this point it would be nice to have some " alone " time in the car . I 'm never alone unless you consider me sitting up at 1am while everyone is asleep as alone time . I need some get out of the house by myself time ! ! ! Andrew is a MONSTER ! He is a big bad MONSTER ! That kid does not stop for nothing . His entire day consists of leaving a path of destruction behind him . He did good this morning working with the early interventionist . She got him to sit still for almost an hour putting shapes in and out of a bucket . I worry about him . I worry if he is going to have attention problems and learning problems or if he is just being a boy . Kinda bothers me that some of the other multiples I know that are months younger than him are standing and walking already . Oh well I am continuing trying to take everything one day at a time , and not think to far into the future . I think I need a better antidepressant . I am so tired all the time I can 't even make myself get up and exercise . I so looked forward to my Zumba DVDs and I just stare at the box . I know I would feel better and have more energy if I would just get up and do it . I was watching all those I used to be fat shows the other night . Makes me so much more depressed that I want to eat a cookie . So I am taking small steps like trying to avoid eating fast food on the way to St Pete and on the way back . . . and when I do stop it is a kids meal and not a full meal with a Large coke . : - ) Mmmm McDonalds french fries Oh how they have me addicted . I watched Ava do her ballet today at school . They are so freaking cute , but I am not sure the $ $ I spend to let her go is worth the 30 minutes of kids dancing around 1 time a week . There are to many kids in the class for her to actually learn anything , but hey I guess it is some exercise for her and she gets to wear he pink ballet tutu LOL I met Jack while I was still in high school . We have been together ever since . We have been married for 5 years . He is a great dad . He works extra hard to provide for all of us . I love you ! @ 5 years old : Our 1st born . My husband and I love her so much . She is our spoiled little princess . It has been such a joy watching our tiny little girl growing up . She is to smart for her own good sometimes . She loves her brothers . This was the last picture I took of him before he got sick about 5 days before he died . He is Triplet " A " He was the fighter . He was stubborn before he wa born and stayed that way until his final days . He fought so hard to stay with us , but God had other plans for him . I miss him and think of him every day , but I know he is at peace now . He no longer has to live with breathing tubes , machines and monitors . I keep my faith that we will all be together again one day . @ 3 years old : Jacob is Triplet " B " He is Logan 's identical twin . He was also the recipient from the Twin to Twin Transfusion . This caused him to have to much blood flow before he was born . He had a large amount of amniotic fluid around him and an enlarged heart . 3 days before he left the NICU we were shocked to find out he had severe brain damage . Prior to him leaving the hospital he had achieved everything as well as his brother Andrew . He has cysts covering large portions of his peridal lobe and right frontal lobes . We do not know what caused his damage . He never had a brain bleed and nothing bad happened in the NICU that we know of . The doctor seems to belive it was caused by the TTTS , but 1 week old Ultrasounds showed his brain to be " normal " at that time . He has been diagnosed with Spastic Quadriplegic Cerebral Palsy . He also has cortical visual impairment , severe reflux ( GERD ) , partial seizures , a g - tube . He can not do a lot right now , but we have faith that he will someday . He has some head control and can pull his chest off the ground and turn his head side to side . He has even surprised us a few times and rolled over . @ 3 years old : Triplet " C " he just hung out will his brother caused havic before they were born . He was a perfect infant and just did his own thing . As he is going into the toddler days he is definately developing his own curious personality . While he may have sat on the sidelines when they were small . He makes himself known these days . He has become quite vocal over the past few months . He learned how to walk when he was 21 months old . He climbs everything ! He is a sweet boy and is Ava 's best friend . Our newest little blessing . Ava is over the moon for her . she is such a great addition to our family and I can 't wait to see what kind of person she grows into . 1 . Spastic Quadriplegic Cerbral Palsy 2 . GERD ( reflux ) 3 . Aspiration pneumonia 4 . G - tube fed 5 . Multicystic encephalomlacia bilateral peridal lobe damage 6 . Cortical Visual Impairment ( CVI ) 7 . Reactive Airway Disease ( RAD ) - Asthma 8 . Epilepsy - partial seizures 9 . Chronic congestion 10 . Chronic vomiting 11 . Hypothyroidism
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I ended up adding a lot more stuff than I originally expected , but I think it all works well together . The toadstools where inspired by a tutorial I saw on knick knacks & ric rac . However , I changed it up a little bit . Instead of thread spools , I used painted corks . I used felt for the spots , instead of pom poms . Gotta work with what you 've got , right ? ! I liked the mushrooms so much I made a whole bunch of ornaments for our giant tree . Those are up next ! I 'm enjoying a relaxing day , so it 's about cocoa time ' round these parts . I have one more day of work then a three day weekend with my honey ! I 'm so excited . And lucky . . . . a 3 day weekend in retail . . . . over Christmas ? ! Guess all those weekends in a row with crazy hours are paying off for me . Oh , and New Year 's Day off ? ! I 'm practically giddy over here . Hi , guys ! How are you all doing ? ! I 'm pretty good . Working my behind off , wish I could say literally , with tons of extra hours at my job to get ready for the holiday . Although it 's been decorated at my job for months now , I 'm starting on the house now . This may not look like much now , but pretty soon all this stuff will be made into one of the cutest darned wreaths you 've ever seen . I can 't wait to finish it ! Can I tell you that wrapping this thing is taking forever ? ! Although Dillon did give me some advice that will probably make the next one go a little faster . We 'll see . . . So , yeah . That 's pretty much what I 've been up to lately , working and working on embroidery . Exciting life , I know . To make it a little more exciting , I think I 'm going to give my blog a bit of a make - over . Any suggestions ? I really want to change the layout so that I can share bigger pictures with you . These seem a bit small for my liking . I don 't know , you tell me . The lighting is a bit off since it 's late here . So , in case you can 't read it well it says , " It 's hard to stay sucker free in the land of the lollipops . " My guy and I were watching a prison documentary , one of those terrible " behind bars " type reality shows on MSNBC or Discovery when I heard this . ( And this is why I watch TV with my notebook . ) The interviewer asked an old pimp how he ended up in prison and that was his response . I couldn 't help but think it was hilarious and terrible , all at the same time . Pretty much classic . My goodness , it 's certainly been a while . Far too long in between posts lately . I promise I didn 't forget about you guys , I 've just been busy . I know that 's a pretty lame excuse considering that some of the best bloggers out there wear a million hats at once . Add to that feeling a bit down , and it doesn 't leave much motivation for blogging . However , there are a ton of things to share with you . Here 's one ! Besides stitchy stuff there is lots of other interesting stuff going on in my life . I 'm on the hunt for a new job and a new roomie . I still have my current job , I 'm just looking to move on . As for the roomie , that 's kind of a long story . It 's not working out with the current one at all , she 's pretty much a joke . After her black - out drunk incident that ruined my super nice Calphalon counter - top grill and filled my entire house with thick smoke . . . . at 3 in the morning , we could no longer tolerate her stupidity . It never ceases to amaze me just how far some people can go on empty . Anyways , change is in the wind . Bye for now ! I promise from now on I won 't make you wait weeks in between posts . Pinky swear . Have a craftastic night , lovies ! Speaking of creepy , anyone have exciting Halloween plans ? ! Mine will be pretty tame . I think the highlight of the weekend will be trying to dress up my pets . When I found out my partner in the Phat Quarter Food swap had the nickname , Gherkin , I knew I had to go with it . So I made her a pickle jar , with my attempt at a label . It says , " Leslie 's World Famous Gherkins . Petites with a punch . " Originally it was to be a patch , but I think this came out better . Now if I could have just got a good picture of it . Taking pictures of round things is hard ! I guess the fabric I used for the words was too thin , I 've never had it stretch out like that before ? Any suggestions ? It didn 't seem like that when it was one the hoop . I started by plotting out a pattern on the computer , mainly to play with all the different fonts . And to get the oval shape even , I 'm terrible at that sort of thing . I transferred it onto the green fabric with my trusty Clover pencil and stitched away . Somehow my stitching turned out a little crazy in the word , famous . However , I 'm learning not to beat myself up and obsess over every little thing , so I went with it still . Once the stitching was complete I cut it out with pinking shears and stitched it onto the orange felt . The jar is an upcycled Trader Joe 's coffee can that I covered with vintage green linen . I couldn 't quite get the back seam right , so I used some coordinating ribbon to cover that up . Not thrilled about that so I didn 't take a picture , ha . I finished up by attaching the vintage foodie trim with tiny dabs of hot glue . Then I glued the entire patch onto the jar . Added some felt to the lid , done ! I filled the jar with goodies and sent it on it 's way . My partner , Leslie , liked it , so I 'm happy ! On Sunday , my honey and I had lots of " us " time . Between sleeping in , eating too much awesome food and watching football , we found time to do a little baking . We made donuts ! We used this recipe . Despite following it closely , we had nowhere near 58 donuts , which is probably a good thing . That meant we had too much glaze for the frosting , but oh well . We had one minor set back , when Dillon kept telling me I was going overboard on the sprinkles . Is there such a thing ? ! It was alright though , I told him he had no idea what he was talking about and promptly went back to flinging sprinkles everywhere . Thankfully , it was easy to clean up . By the time we got out the broom to sweep up , our little sprinkle hound , Tequila , had already taken care of most of the floor . Like I said , we ate too much good food that day , so there was no room left for donuts . However , I 've since tried them and they were yums for my tum . I think they are excellent paired with a glass of milk . I 'm sure my guy prefers them with coffee . Either way , tasty ! Hopefully , I haven 't made you too hungry ! If I have , sorry ! Feel free to stop by and I will share my donuts with you . It never fails . When you are trying to get something done around here , a cute little kitty will come along and distract you . Or in this case , jump into the laundry you 're trying to take care of . Sorry about the Instagram photos guys , I couldn 't resist the convenience factor . I can smell a pizza in the oven and it 's calling my name . Oh , I 'm Mafiosagrrl on Instagram . . . . like that 's a surprise , just call me " Captain Obvious ! " Are you on there too ? Lemme know ! I 'm looking forward to this weekend off from work . I 've got lots of Halloween prep in the works . It 's been hard to get into the holiday mood since the weather refuses to turn into fall here in CA , so I 'm going to force it along . I think it 's time to decorate ! I need some pumpkins around this joint . Be back soon ! Posted by I made this kitty for Connie as part of a swap we had . She was kind enough to send me the largest Q - Snap you will ever see in your life . It 's made to be a floor stand for hand - quilting and I 'm going to put it do good use . Baby quilts here I come ! No , there are no little ones in our near future . I just want to start small with my new hobby . I found the canvas on sale at the craft store and fell in love with the circular shape . I bought it with no particular project in mind , and now I wish I had picked up a few more . Not for stitching though , it was a major pain as it was primed for painting . Next time I stretch my own canvas for mixed media stuff . Despite having a cute little dog named , Girlie , Connie loves cats ! Being a kitty lover myself , I wasn 't lacking in cat patterns . I used a vintage pattern that someone had shared in the Hoop Love flickr pool . I 've long since printed it out so I 'm not sure who the original maker was , sorry folks ! Then I lightly tinted it with watercolors and stitched it for more definition . I used Perle cotton and regular embroidery floss , divided into various # s of strands . I 'm so glad that she liked it . I 'm always happy to send off things to a good forever home ! Speaking of which , I 've got tons of happy mail to post about . Including a package for a lovely lady from the land down under . She will love me and hate me by time she get 's the giant box of swaptastic stuff . I decided to create one last goodie to make up for my tardiness and you know how that goes . . . . takes forever . I feel like the naughtiest swapper ever , I 'll probably decline swaps for a year now ! Anyhow , more coming soon ! See you later , dolls . My crafting area is one hot mess right now . This is just a small portion of the craziness . And it feels like more a reflection of my life in general . Trust me , I can 't show you the rest . I 'm too ashamed . Maybe I 'll get a before shot as I attempt to master the mess . Last time I posted about organizing the fabric into bins , but that 's pretty much where the organization process stopped . I need to get it under control and soon ! It 's getting a bit overwhelming . I tend to avoid the room when it 's like this , which also means I 'm not blogging and can 't really work on anything but embroidery ( which I take in the other room . ) Holy Guacamole , I need to get it together ! Be back with some projects that have contributed to this pitiful mess . The Shining is one of my all - time favorite movies . Great , now I want to watch this movie ! Perfect movie watching weather too , gloomy and rainy outside . I want to cuddle under a blankey with a yummy coffee . Too bad that 's not going to happen for a while , I 've got too much to do . I 'm in the process of organizing my fabric stash into bins . Exciting , I know . Well , off to finish up ! My guy is the best ! He brought me to a place that has enough old photos for sale to have Snapshot Friday for the rest of my life . Now you guys don 't have to look at my boring ol ' photos on Fridays anymore . . . . if I posted one , I 've been so bad lately . Gorgeous , huh ? ! Kind of reminds me of Gene Kelly . And that deckle edge ? Swoon . This one definitely has me longing for a bygone era . I 've got a ton of projects to share with you guys , once my sorry butt gets them in the mail . See you soon ! I have the weekend off and plan on spending a lot of time working on bloggy / etsy stuff . Hopefully making up for my extreme lack of activity around these parts lately . Posted by Well , I tried to share this with you guys yesterday but it didn 't work out . Therefore today 's post will be brought to you by the words , Technical Difficulties . Somehow I 've misplaced my card reader so I had to wait until I could use the boy 's sexy beast of a computer . Seems silly posting about a specific day once it 's already passed , but here we go . Yesterday was September 13th , also known as Roald Dahl Day . Did you know there was such a thing ? ! Awesome , huh ? Check out the official site , tons of cute stuff for the kiddos . . . or the young at heart . Warning : there is happy music that may scare the heck out of you if your volume is loud . I know this for a fact . I absolutely adore his books and read most of them as a child . To be honest , I 'll probably be re - reading them for the rest of my life . He 's also written adult fiction which I can 't wait to get my hands on someday . I 'm sure you know most of his children 's stories have been made into movies , but if you 've never read them - you must ! They 're quirky and full of dark humor , but still maintain a sense of innocence . . . a combination hard to achieve . For me , it 's hard to pick a favorite ! Do you have a favorite Roald Dahl book ? Oh , hey ! Speaking of books , have you seen the new Feeling Stitchy button on my sidebar ? There is a contest for embroidered book covers on now through November 7th . If you 're a stitcher who loves to read , you must check it out . I can 't wait to see what everyone comes up with ! I 'm going to draw up a few things this week and see if I can get it together in time . Last week I received a check in the mail for my 1st place win . Wait , what ? ! Yeah , that 's what I thought . I had no idea what in the Sam Hill they were talking about . Turns out , my grumpy ol ' Gargoyle DID win at the fair ! I was totally surprised , seeing as how I not only attended the fair , but I had also already picked up my piece and had not heard anything about this . I guess since it was displayed low , some brave kid took it or it fell off ? Either way , they gave me another one ! Don 't spend it all in one place right ? ! Just thought I would share , since I was pumped . Can 't wait to add to my ribbon collection . I need some big poofy ones ! Oh , on a side note , I 'm blogging from my honey 's new Mac . . . . . swoon . So nice . I think I 'm in love . And he 's teaching me Lightroom . Aww yeah , great photos here I come . Good thing he 's patient . Sorry it 's been so long . I 've been crazy busy with work and there 's been some commotion on the household front looking for a new roomie . I promise , I 'll get with it again soon . Love you guys for your patience with my lazy butt . See you soon ! Have a lovely Friday night . I 'll be off to bed soon , ready to pop up at 5am for work - blech . It 's kind of been bugging me that since getting my license I haven 't added any Sublime Stitching stuff to my etsy . So I took a break from some of my bigger projects and swap pieces , which can get a bit overwhelming , to make some things for the shop . Like this little guy ! This comes from the " Garden Variety " pattern . I stitched it with DMC Cotton , Metallic , and Rayon floss . The piece is mounted in a 3in x 4in oval hoop and is ready to hang . Even the back looks cute , with a coordinating felt covering the stitches . It 'll be in my shop later today ! My guy said I should have arranged it vertically in the hoop . What do you think , would it have looked better ? Maybe I 'll try another one that way . I 'm also working on some bees for the shop , from the same pattern . I 'm just loving how they 're turning out , can 't wait to show you . Be back soon , guys . Have a craftastic day ! " No , Dog . I 'm pretty sure you are mistaken . This is actually my bone . Now , please stop bothering me . I 'm trying to sleep . " I collect postcards , so I was over the moon when my honey recently surprised me with a stack of super old ones . They 're amazing ! Most of them feature brightly colored images on linen paper . I just about lost it when I saw these cards . Yes , I 'm a giant nerdy person . They 're just such gorgeous examples of a bygone era . Sadly , most people don 't even send mail anymore . So not only is the art of letter writing slowly dying , but all the amazing little items and processes that go along with it . There are still a few people dedicated to preserving this form of communication , however , most people just appreciate these types of things . These ones are crazy ! Originally a book of twelve , they feature various areas of a Cabaret in Paris . More specifically Le Lido des Champ - Elyees . We have numbers 2 - 12 , and I haven 't been able to find much information online . We may never see what number 1 was . Oddly enough , I did find a site selling one of the cards I have . It shows the marble bridge that spans one of the pools . Something looked a little funny about it though , so I took a closer look at ours . It features a ladder , probably used for diving , that the one for sale doesn 't have . Crazy , huh ? Maybe we have some super rare prototypes , the photographers originals ? ! Ok , maybe I watch too much Antiques Roadshow , but I just love thinking about the history of things . Like who did all these cards belong too ? So , have you come across any treasures lately ? Do you like writing letters ? How often do you write ? I try to write a few letters every week . I also belong to Postcrossing and that 's a lot of fun , too . Most of these cards will stay in my collection , but I 'm certainly enjoying sending some of these oldies out into the world . I like surprising people and I 'm sure most people don 't find a 65 year old postcard in their mailbox very often ! Back to work , I 've spent far too much time on the computer already today . See you later , gators ! Today 's words are brought to you by The Big Lebowski ! For anyone new around these parts , I should tell you , I 'm a " quoter " and a fan of all things Coen Brothers . So naturally , I quote this movie just about everyday . However , I don 't really get the chance to work this one into everyday conversation . . . . if ever . For those of you confused , do yourself a favor and go watch The Big Lebowski . I made this little piece for stitchy pal , Alaina aka SpidersPaw . She is such an amazing artist ! I highly encourage you to check out her work . Please be warned some of her work contains sexual subject matter , so don 't check it out at work ! Funny story , I found this in a bag of vintage linens someone gifted me . It was with a whole bunch of other bookmarks that already had embroidery on them , so I was excited to be able to stitch on this one . My guy saw it and thought it was some sort of fancy pantyliner . Ha , silly boy ! Perfect quote to indulge his crazy notion , don 't you think ? So , this is my third Lebowski piece , I wonder how many more there will be in my future ? I 'm also wondering if my post will be blocked by safe filters , ha ! I 'm off to cross of some thing off my to - do list before work . See you soon . Have a craftastic day ! I recently stitched a grumpy ol ' gargoyle . More specifically , The Spitting Gargoyle from the Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris . I 've always had a thing for monsters and gargoyles , ever since I was a kid . When I was younger I had a bunch of small stone statues of them , too . I think I had three different sizes of this guy . That collection seems to have been lost in transit during one of our moves . I framed it so that I could enter it in the local county fair . I love the frame ! This is the best pic I have of it , I 'll get a better one when I get it back . I didn 't win at the fair , but I 'm glad I entered . It makes me feel like I 'm actually doing something with the pieces I make , instead of them just laying around gathering dust . This piece also got something better than a fair ribbon , it was featured as a " Stitchgasm ! " on one of my favorite sites ! It 's chock full of so much amazing stitchy stuff I can 't even begin to put it in words . Check it out . More monsters and beasts in the works . I had a crazy lion I was working on but I took a short break from it and now the pattern I drew is worn off - boo ! I can 't decide whether to scrap it or try to figure out a way to salvage it . Gahhh , I hate that ! I might take a break from stitching for a few days , I 'm craving paint like a mad woman at the moment . Thinking I 'll rest my wrist and get the whole arm moving around in front of a nice , big canvas . See you soon , my dears ! You guys , I 'm pretty bummed about the death of Amy Winehouse . While I 'm not entirely shocked about it , it 's still so sad . The fact that the whole world watched her fall apart makes it even more terrible . They say she was happy and healthy in the end , having beat drugs and finally starting to overcome drinking . It 's good that she experienced happiness again before her death , she was too young to have so much pain in her life . I don 't care what anyone says about her addiction , she was an amazing and talented artist . This is one of my favorite embroideries ever , it 's such a beautiful likeness of her . It 's completely hand - stitched by Totally Severe . You can see more of her work here . Check it out , she 's one of the best ! Sadly , she joins a long line of musicians that died young . She 's probably on stage , knocking the socks off of everyone in Club 27 as I type this . Hopefully there she can find some peace . RIP , love . You will be sorely missed . We don 't have babies , so I pretend with my kitties . Too bad I can 't dress them up . He loves being held this way , none of the other kitties will go for it . Not even Chunky who used to be my biggest cuddle bug ! Oh well , one cuddly one is good enough , I guess . I 'm realizing poor Natasha doesn 't get on here often enough , I 'll have to change that . It 's not that she isn 't cute enough , she certainly is . She 's just a bit anti - social so getting the chance to snap a good shot it rare . She runs off most of the time . Mmmmmmmm , felt . What more can I say ? ! ( Well actually , it 's Eco - Felt , made from recycled plastic bottles . Pretty and recycled - Yay for green crafters ! ) I realized as I looked at my Happy Hoopy Wall that I never showed you guys what I got in the Phat Quarter Book Themed Swap . I 'm terrible ! I got this little lovely from Salvaged Mutiny . She 's a talented stitcher who makes costumes while traveling the world on a giant cruise ship . Find her on flickr or check out her blog ! Check out all the detail in the trees ! Isn 't that awesome ? I love fairy tales , especially the dark ones , so this was right up my alley . I 'm certainly a lucky gal . Well , that 's all I 've got for tonight . I 'm off to bed so I can get up bright and early for the morning shift at my work . See you tomorrow for Snapshot Friday ! Sweet dreams , kids . That title stands for " Man , oh man ! " As in man , oh man , I have to stop writing , " See you tomorrow ! " I just look like a flake . I 've been crazy busy with my paper dolls project over the last few days . I kind of gave up on it yesterday though . I had washed and pressed it , then threw on a few more beads after tinting . It was looking great , except for the hoop marks . I don 't know why they won 't come out , I 've never had a problem before . Anyway , I decided to submit something else and I 'm walking away from it for a while . Or that title can count for this piece . You decide . I stitched this piece a while ago using a Sew Lovely Embroidery pattern , from their Mad Ink set . I used one of those faux wood hoops that everyone loves so much . This was my first time using one , so I can 't really form an opinion just yet . It 's most likely just me , but I had a little bit of trouble with it . Probably because I didn 't stitch the piece it , I transferred it into there . Let 's just say , I need more practice with them . It 's stitched on a vintage bed sheet , the same one that I 'm using for the paper dolls project . I haven 't experimented with it too much , but I 'm starting to dig stitching on patterned fabric . Alright lovelies , I 'm off to work . I have no desire to go today . I 'm sore as heck , but I 'm going to suck it up . I 'm taking a small project to work on during my break , then back to the big stuff when I get back home . I 'll check in later tonight , this time I 'm for reals . If I don 't , I fear I 'll never catch up . Later , have a craftastic day ! Ok , I guess it 's not technically Caturday anymore , it 's Sunday . However , I haven 't gone to sleep yet , so in my book it 's still Caturday ! This being noted , I hope this is the last thing I do on this fine Caturday . It hasn 't been going all that well since I came home . He certainly looks happy though , doesn 't he ? My baby Chunk loves his bags . Whether he 's in them or on them , he 's content . And a happy baby is something to be happy about . Cutie McBiggins , that 's who he is ! Be back tomorrow with more of the stitchy projects I 've done lately . There are a lot that I haven 't shared here . Sleep tight , Lovebugs ! I wanted to share a bit more of the project that I 'm working on at the moment . It 's pretty big , so I hope that I can get it all done in time . Anyway , here 's more ! Not necessarily the best shots , but better than the blurry teaser , that 's for sure . They 're " paper dolls " can you tell ? I 've gotten a considerable more amount done since these were take , but there 's a lot to do . I 'm a bit worried about the hoop marks . I 've never had problems with them in the past , but they seem obvious and dark on this fabric . It 's strange really . I 'm going to wash the whole thing in Woolite when I 'm done , but if that doesn 't work them the whole thing is toast . Wish me luck ! In one way or another , I tend to leave my mark everywhere I go . Today 's photo is an example of that . These were a few of things that my honey found while cleaning out his car a few weeks ago . What can I say ? I like to be prepared at all times . Actually I know at least two of those needles probably came from noticing them in my pant leg while we were driving around . I have taken them and stowed them away in the little cubby under the handle in the door . I 'm like a squirrel , I also hide ponytail holders and lip balm there . Although , this time of year is really not good for the lip balm . Summer here means opening your tin of Burt 's Bees to find the contents have shifted drastically , like the stuff in overhead bins . Ok , now I 'm off on a tangent . Blabbering really . I 'm suspecting it has something to do with not wanting to get back to cleaning the kitchen . Oh well , I have to because I can 't stitch until it 's done . See you later , with an update on my current piece ! See you tomorrow ? Wow , I was feeling ambitious when I wrote that , considering it was a holiday weekend . I should have known that I would be more focused on stuffing my face with delicious grilled food and maintaining a frosty beverage at all times . Although the " off to pet someone " part was pretty accurate . Our babies got a ton of attention this weekend since it was both of us at home . Last week I missed " Words on Wednesday " because apparently I can 't keep track of time and realized too late that it was actually Thursday when I wrote it . Oh well , turns out for the better anyways . Looking back at it , it 's a bit grumpy and depressing , reflecting my mood at the time . Trashed it . This week it 'll be happy ! Today 's words are , " Officially Licensed ! " I received my signed contract back and I am now officially licensed by Sublime Stitching ! Yay ! It 's crazy to think that years ago a little ol ' ad for Jenny 's patterns in the back of a Juxtapoz magazine got me started on this crazy embroidery journey . Now I 'm licensed by her company to sell items made from those patterns ! It 's really mind blowing to me . I never would have thought that a little curiosity about a new hobby would turn into so much , it 's practically my life now . I 've learned so much and met amazing people , all thanks to embroidery . It 's nuts ! I 'm happy that I can share this news with you , it 's very exciting for me . Now that that 's done , I 'm off to get in a little stitching before work . Then I 'll be back at it when I get home , I 've got to get this thing finished by this time next week ! I 'll share another picture soon . I know that last one was horribly vague . Bye for now ! Out of all the cats , Boris is the neediest . He demands attention and will not take no for an answer . When he decides he wants cuddles , you 'd just better stop and oblige him . You 're not going to get anything done until you do . Several times a day , he 'll walk up to you and nuzzle until he 's asleep in your lap or you pick him up . This is his favorite way to be held if you 're standing . ( Yeah , they 're really picky around here . ) Dead weight . . . . prepared to dig his claws into your shoulder the second you attempt to put him down . Obviously our pet 's need to come with instruction manuals if anyone from the outside ever plans on interacting with them . Until we get those written we 'll just have to continue to cater to their every whim . There 's something wrong . Maybe I 'm in some sort of alternate universe or I 'm coming down with an illness . I 'm not myself today . This evening I left a craft store empty - handed . . . . on payday ! And I also picked this beverage on our trip to the grocery store . I don 't know what 's going on , but I 'm not sure that I like it . I 'm going to have a shot of whiskey and watch some violent mobster or zombie movies in the hopes of finding the old me . I stitched all afternoon so my wrist is killing me , time for a break . Nighty - nite , folks ! See you tomorrow for Caturday ! Meow ! How are you on this fine Friday ? Happy Canada Day to the readers in the North ! I 'm home today and furiously digging into my to - do list . As promised , a little teaser from the the project I 'm working on right now . It had to wait until today for a new picture , bad lighting last night when I came home from work . Plus , the ones I already had were much too obvious . I wanted an ambiguous shot . So nice of me , huh ? Curious ? More to come soon , it 's going pretty quick . Probably because I 'm really excited about it . I have lots of smaller pieces planned around this concept . While it 's a very specific theme it still leaves room to experiment quite a bit . That 's probably my favorite thing about embroidery there is so much freedom to create different effects . Ok , could I be any more cryptic with this description ? ! You just have to see it to understand , I guess . I 'll be back later with " Snapshot Friday ! " bet you thought this was it , huh ? Nope , just a sneak peak . In the meantime , I 'm off to blast records , stitch , clean my house ( ugh ! ) and start a new art journal . This one will be just for Sam , it 's a swap long in the works . A page a day for a whole month ! I can 't wait to see what Sam make 's me , I love her style . Anyway , see you again soon . Howdy , folks ! What have you been up to this past week ? I 've been a stitching fool , but that 's not really out of the ordinary for me . All current projects are put on hold pending the completion of a super secret wall hanging I 'm working on . Nothing like deadlines to motivate , right ? Sneaky peek later tonight . Oh , speaking of motivation . There 's nothing like being called fat by two different people , on two different occasions in one week to motivate you to get back in shape . No ? Oh , I 'm sure that 's what they thought they were doing when they said such random things . And I should mention they were two complete strangers ! I wouldn 't mind so much if it was someone I knew , I mean , it 's sort of true . But geez , a stranger ? Jerkfaces . Anyway , it got me to thinking , I haven 't always been fat . Well , I was really skinny and then really fat , then skinny again . You can see where this is going , think Oprah . So out came the photos . It was either that or a snack to make myself feel better . And since my pity party was started after being called a fatty , I just thought the irony of that would have been too much . I saw this one and thought , hey - that looks really familiar . Which led to more photo searching . Apparently , I 've been perfecting this look for many years . So , while I haven 't always been big , I 've always been snotty . This proves it . I found this coincidence to be hilarious . Laughing , I quickly gave up on being upset about what totally rude strangers think about me . Eff ' em . Right , Dude ? I 'm smiling now just thinking about the whole ridiculous situation . I 'd rather be a jolly fat person than a skinny ( insert pejorative term here ) However , that being said , I do reserve the right to express my snotty side occasionally . . . preferably for photographs . Thank you and good day , sir . Hi , my name is Jacquie but you can call me Jackson - everyone does ! I 'm an East Coast transplant living in Northern California . I enjoy holding hands , baking cookies , and long walks on the beach . . . who doesn 't , right ? Let 's try again ! I think life is best served with art , a huge helping of crafts and topped off with love . If you wrap all of that up in passion you 'll be good to go . Besides that I take pleasure in reading , gardening , Mexican food and rugs that really tie the room together .
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Tomorrow morning we are off to my in - law 's house for Thanksgiving . The 8 hour drive will be a lot easier now that we have 3 drivers to divide the driving time - the last time we were there was several years before W had his license . Boy , is this visit overdue ! There has been a practical reason why we haven 't been in so long : W was in the marching band in high school and didn 't want to miss performing at halftime during the Thanksgiving day football game between Swampscott and Marblehead . We 'd dutifully go to the game to watch him play and invariably , each year for four years , it was cold and pouring rain . No matter ! Football happens in all types of weather , and the warm apple cider when we got home tasted that much better because we were chilled to the bone . Now that he 's in college there 's nothing tying us here for the actual day of Thanksgiving . In addition , all J 's brothers and sisters will also be gathering at their parents ' house this year , so it was important for us to be there too . It will be fun to see how much all the nieces and nephews have grown . Some we haven 't seen in 5 years ! My sister - in - law , who is an incredibly good sport , prepares the Thanksgiving meal ( with help , of course ) for 20 - 25 people . There 's going to be quite a crowd , very different than my tiny immediate family . The TV will be on in the background with all the men gathered ' round , watching the game and the women will be busy in the kitchen , while the kids run around having fun . Complete chaos , but nobody minds . W and I will drive back on Saturday and J will stay on for a few extra days to spend time with his family . He and his sisters are going to the Bills football game Sunday night , sure to be a chilly but fun time . As for me , I look forward to getting home , settling back into my quiet space and curling up on the couch with a glass of wine and a good book . Happy Thanksgiving . Yesterday J , W and I made the drive to Lunenburg to my brother 's newly rebuilt house to spend the day with my side of the family since we will be in Buffalo for Thanksgiving this year . In a way we 're quite lucky that our families of origin are so far apart ; there 's never any haggling over how to divide a holiday between the two . We 're either here with my parents or away and spending the time with Joe 's parents and siblings . This year Scott decided to host our get - together in his new house , which was wonderful . It 's beautiful , spacious and the view of the lake is so pretty . The kitchen is easy to work in . We all contributed to the meal and kept it fairly simple . . just a turkey breast , stuffing , gravy ( which I forgot ! ) , squash , mashed potatoes , green beans and an apple pie with ice cream for dessert . It feels more comfortable for me to have the day without such excess . In the past , the tradition has been to make 3 times as much food as is needed , eat ourselves until we 're uncomfortable and then spend the rest of the day on the couch , wishing we hadn 't eaten as much . In keeping with my philosophy of forgoing excess , it was nice to have just enough food . I can 't speak for the others , but I certainly didn 't gorge myself and felt much better for it . What makes us think that in order to appreciate having food to eat we need to stuff ourselves ? Can 't we be thankful and just take what is enough ? My family is very un - touchy - feely so I didn 't bring up the idea of everyone saying what they are thankful for prior to the meal , but it did cross my mind as we were on our way to my brother 's house . I suppose it would have put everyone on the spot ; how to think of just one thing we are thankful for ? We have so much . I 'm thankful that this year we are able to celebrate 2 Thanksgivings ; one with each family . They will be about as different as night and day , but that 's what makes the world go ' round . One thing I 've noticed since I 've been reading various blogs is how much I look forward to new posts . When a few days or a week go by without something new I feel a sense of disappointment and wonder what is going on that the person hasn 't been able to write . Of course , no matter how much one enjoys an activity , there will inevitably come a time when a bit of a break is needed . Sometimes bloggers will announce that they are going to be absent , and some just seem to drop off , leaving the reader to wonder when , if ever , they will be back . This past week I 've been sick with a virus . Nothing specific , just low energy , achy and needing to sleep much of the time - no other symptoms ! If I didn 't know others who had the same thing I 'd worry that it was psychological , which is typical of me . I am getting better at listening to my body as I get older ; I took a few days off from the things I do . No cooking , no cleaning , no typing , no tutoring , definitely no exercise and even no yoga . I slept all night and napped much of the day away on the couch . I felt guilty , lazy and useless ( as I always do when not in motion ) but those feelings weren 't enough to force me into activity . Lo and behold , I started feeling better on Friday . Rest is a good thing . Memo to myself : Rest is a Good Thing ! ! I wish I was able to handle not feeling well more gracefully . I usually fight it for a few days , hoping that if I ignore it the illness won 't be " real " . I don 't think this has ever actually worked for me so it 's probably high time I stopped using this particular way of doing things . I 'm sure one of the reasons I hate acknowledging that I 'm sick is because any illness tends to hit me harder because of my underlying health problems . I get sicker and the symptoms last longer and have the potential to turn into a lung infection - my body unable to fight both the bacteria that always live in my lungs in addition to the virus . Knowing this , why wouldn 't I rest and allow my body to heal as soon as I notice I 'm not feeling well ? Chalk it up to a conditionePosted by Give us courage and gaiety and the quiet mind . Spare to us our friends , soften to us our enemies . Bless us , if it may be , in all our innocent endeavors . If it may not , give us the strength to encounter that which is to come , that we be brave in peril , constant in tribulation , temperate in wrath , and in all changes of fortune and down to the gates of death , loyal and loving one to another . - - Robert Lewis StevensonThis quotation caught my eye today . I can 't think of anything else to add to it . I 've read that in order to live your life in the most authentic and genuine way think of yourself on your deathbed . Ah , not a pleasant topic ! Consider what you have done with your life ; what would you do differently ? What do you want people to say about you at your funeral ? I must be in listing mood of late because here is my list of things I consider to be important in terms of the way I live my life . 1 . Be a good partner , friend wife to Joe . 2 . Continue to be a good mother and support to Wilson throughout all the changes he 's going to encounter in life . 3 . Be a true , loyal and honest friend . 4 . Respect the planet and environment . 5 . Live as simply as possible : make what I can on my own , be it meals or household items . 6 . Be contentented , accepting of and comfortable with myself . I 'm going to preface this by saying that I 'm more than aware I have absolutely nothing to complain about ; I have a roof over my head , enough to eat and my health and that of my family is stable . I have friends who are facing financial ruin , some who are suffering from devastating health problems and those who are desperately unhappy . I am so lucky . The following list is some very minor annoyances that I need to get off my chest . 1 . Leaf blowers . Who invented these infernal machines ? Noisy , stinky and a scourge to the environment . 2 . People who delegate too much . " I 'm having a party - can you call so - and - so and invite them ? " Sure , and then I 'll tell them to RSVP to you so I don 't get stuck in the middle of this when the invitee asks me what does the host want her to bring ! 3 . People who don 't take responsibility for their own plans . " Call me and remind me the day before that we we 're supposed to meet " . Jeez , if it 's not important enough for you to remember on your own , should I even be wasting my time with you ? ? ? 4 . Rude drivers . I know , I know , I 'm supposed to feel compassion for them and not let it bother me when they cut me off or sneak in ahead of me instead of waiting in traffic like the rest of us , but sometimes they still annoy the heck out of me . 5 . People who think it 's all about them . No matter what you are going through their problems are always bigger and they feel the need to talk about them endlessly . Whew , ok . I feel better now . Dear Marlena , You 've visited me a few times in my dreams of late , so I thought it might be a good idea to sit down and write you a letter . I thought about you a lot over the summer but it was in a different way than I am now . I was so shocked to hear the news , I suppose that was part of the denial phase . Now I 'm just missing you and wish that I could pick up the phone and tell you all the things that are on my mind . Even though we 've only been in touch on birthdays and at Christmas these past few years , I 've always considered you a dear friend . We had our babies together , went through teething , toilet training , kindergarten , middle school and the traumatic start of high school . Not to mention working together every weekend , that was such a bonding experience , and made us so close . I took it for granted that you 'd be here when we sent our kids off to college . We had such similar parenting styles and were so much alike , it was fun to compare notes , recipes and tips on household management . Remember when we discovered meal planning ? What a difference that made ! It 's funny to look back on it now , it seems so common sense ! It was great to talk to someone who understood exactly how I felt when our kids went off to kindergarten , then middle school and finally high school . I had imagined calling you this past August to see how you were doing about sending Lizzy off to college ; I wonder where she went ? I sent her some old photos I had of you and her from when she was a baby - - her first birthday , Wilson 's birthday parties . I hope they 'll bring her some comfort , I can only imagine how much she misses you . I 'm sure she 's being a wonderful big sister to Joseph and Jason . You rasied her so well . Remember the time when we brought the kids to see the Enchanted Village at Filene 's and had to cut through the Combat Zone from NEMCH ? I can 't believe we did that ! I guess age does that to you , doesn 't it ? We were so young then , and thought nothing of it . I guess what I really wanted to say is that I miss you very much . I 'm sorry I never got Posted by Yesterday I finally got my laptop back after it spent 6 weeks in the shop being repaired . Of course , the hard drive has been wiped clean - everything removed - which I knew would happen from a previous experience . Fortunately , a dear friend K helped me set up an external hard drive on which to back things up , so I didn 't lose any of my photos or important information . Getting the computer back without anything on it gives me a fresh start - there 's no clutter ! I 'm determined to get organized : I 'm going to put my photos in folders by year , delete things I no longer need and have a lot less " junk " on here . It 's a good feeling to pare down to only what is essential . On a larger scale I 've been trying to do that with our house and closets this fall as well . Admittedly , it 's more difficult to get rid of " real " items as opposed to folders and files on a computer . So many things we hang on to just because we might need them some day . I believe we are programmed to do so , the hoarding mentality of our ancestors , for when times get tough . I 've especially seen this behavior with my grandparents : the effects of the great depression . Nothing is wasted , from the tiniest scrap of food to tin foil , which is rinsed and folded up for another use . How wasteful we have become ! I know I think nothing of rinsing the extra food off the plates , down the drain , completely wasted . When my grandparents passed away and my parents had to clean out their house they found the closets and basement stuffed full of old cans and jars of food that were probably 20 + years old . It 's understandable why someone who had to live through a difficult economic time would want to have something to count on if times should become hard again . But can 't there be some balance between having what we need , not wasting , yet not hoarding ? Yesterday while waiting in the doctor 's office I read an article in one of the magazines that was lying around about a woman who was forced to evacuate her California home due to wild fires . She was later shocked at the posessions which sPosted by I have a huge sense of relief this morning now that the election is over - first and foremost because the candidate I was supporting will be the next president - but there is also relief that all the political rhetoric , advertising and mud slinging is going to be over with . I 'm hoping that regardless of who people supported they can take a deep breath and we can move on as a country . I fully recognize that it 's a terrible disappointment to have the candidate you were hoping for not be elected ; I was in that position during the past 2 elections ! I remember well the sense of let - down and resignation of the " day after " . I have to confess that I slept through the announcement of who won last night , but it was looking pretty good for Obama . Still , I didn 't want to assume he would be the one to obtain the 270 electoral votes . I was happy to wake up to the news this morning , but also was quite aware that there are many people who either stayed up last night to hear what they dreaded , or woke up to the news this morning . I truly believe that everyone has a right to their opinion and those who were McCain supporters had the best interest of the country at heart . We all want to achieve the same end , but just have different paths by which we choose to travel . I hope that Obama 's supporters will be considerate of those who were in the other camp and that there won 't be any gloating or rubbing of salt into the wound . I truly hope that the new administration will lead the country in a good direction . That 's what everyone wants , be they republican , democrat , libertarian or green rainbow . Certainly , there are many challenges : the economy , the war ( s ) , healthcare , education and the federal budget deficit to name only a few . Hopefully the fresh ideas will prove to bring about a positive change . I 'll wrap this up by saying that I fully respect everyone 's views and will hold those who are unhappy with the outcome of the election in my heart . I 'll do my best to listen patiently as they expresss their views , not imposing mine , but acknowledPosted by I 'm not a poetry person by any means . Often the meaning I take from a passage is different than the one the author intended , which makes me feel foolish , or that I can 't understand what he or she was trying to say . One poet I do enjoy , however , is Mary Oliver , because her themes are mainly about nature and the world around her . She also lives in Truro , MA and often writes about the surrounding area and the ocean . I was flipping through one of her books this morning and this poem spoke to me . Over the weekend we turned our clocks back an hour , gaining that extra precious time for sleep ( or however we choose to spend it ) . We have several lamps that are on timers , which all need to be adjusted when we change the clocks , both in fall and spring . For some reason this makes the change in the daylight even more noticable . This time of year is harder for many people , myself included . The days grow very short and often its dark by 4 : 15 in the afternoon . The sun doesn 't come up until well after 7am - - such a short day ! I try to look at it as part of the cycle , the earth is tilting away from the sun , we spend more time indoors , nesting , coccooning and eating warm , hearty foods . It 's a time for reflection , lighting our world from inside , rather than depending upon the light and warmth from without . Although this poem takes place in summer , when the sun goes down after 8pm , it reminded me regardless of the time it sets , we turn on our lamps and light up from the inside . The Lamps - Mary Oliver Eight O ' clock , no laterYou light the lamps The bog one by the large window , The small one on your desk . They are not to see by - It is still twilight out over the sand , The scrub oaks and cranberries . Even the small birds have not settled For sleep yet , out of the reach Of probling foxes . No , You light the lamps because You are alone in your small house And the wicks sputtering goldAre like two visitors with good stories They will tell slowly , in soft voicesWhile the air outside turns quietly A grainy and luminous blue . You wish it would neveKim Millie and Gracie My transformation to Crazy Cat Lady is now complete , we have 4 cats living in our house . Gracie and Millie arrived yesterday , trembling and overwhelmed , but by night time they were shyly playing with us . We have them in the spare bedroom until they are a bit bigger and feel more comfortable with their new environment . Whenever we enter the room they run under the bed to hide , but it takes less and less time for them to come out . I 've been trying to spend a lot of time with them so they 'll get used to me , I love sitting in there and just observing them . It 's better than watching TV ! They are so playful , everything is a toy . I 'm glad we decided to get 2 of them , I think the transition would have been much more difficult for them if it had just been one . This way they can comfort each other in this strange environment . As I was watching them last night I was struck by how utterly perfect they are ; miniature beings , full of life and completely un - selfconscious . When you think about it , everything that 's alive is perfect , just as it is , but we humans , with our " higher thought process " spend too much time in our heads and don 't realize we are fine , just as we are . Buddhism values all life , from the smallest insect to the largest animal and believes that we are all divine beings . Watching these 2 little creatures that actually makes sense to me ! They are so comfortable being exactly who they are - they don 't put pressure on themselves to be any different and they live completely in the moment . If that isn 't perfection , what is ? It 's thought that every time something or someone new enters into your life they are a reincarnation of someone you 've lost ; someone you need to work things out with . My list isn 't that long , but it does make me pause to think : if I did believe in reincarnation , who would these kittens be ? A friend who died before 30 ? My grandparents , who all lived into their 80s or 90s ? A patient from work ? It 's interesting to ponder . In the meantime , though , I 'm just going to enjoy these adorable , fPosted by
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Experience the RabbitPose for PlayboySign Up For Playboy PlusMy AccountSign In To PlayboyHomeEntertainmentOff HoursBunniesSex & CultureHeritageVideoGet the Magazine That Changed It AllSubscribePlayboyNSFWShopGet the Magazine That Changed It AllSubscribeMagazineExperience the RabbitFictionPlayboy Fiction : Babylon By Matt GallagherIllustration by Skip SterlingJuly 22 , 2016They called me the Fat Dyke Ref that summer . It didn 't hurt my feelings so much as it violated my sense of exactness . Fat ? I 'd always been cinder - block thick , and it was true that I 'd put on some weight since the desert . Dyke ? Yeah , I liked vaginas more than dicks , they had me there . But a ref , in kickball ? ¶ " Bitches , I 'm an umpire , " I 'd say , because that 's what I was , and because it was fun to watch strangers ' faces when I called them bitches . " Get it right or get off my field . " The kind of people who played Sunday kickball at McCarren Park weren 't used to being talked to that way , not by people like me . Some were staunch Brooklyn dwellers , freelancing hipster types welded into the rails of L - train culture . Others were wayfarers from across the bridge , ad execs , digital communication associates , office ilk with salaries and titles . Whichever borough they claimed , most were actually expats from Middle America , whiter - than - snow 20 - somethings loaded up on brunch mimosas . Monday through Saturday they might 've been able to handle a fag with a butch cut and a homegrown fuck - all attitude . We 'd talk deli sandwiches , or weather , or maybe Obama . It was an election year . But Sunday , at the kickball fields ? That was supposed to be theirs . My presence screwed with the equilibrium of it all . And I got that . Ooh - rah to diversity , but sometimes we just need to be around our own kind . Wednesday nights , when I went to Mama 's Lounge to get faded and maybe laid , the last thing I wanted to see was a Hasid or a pack of finance bros . Same with Saturday evening mass at St . Francis 's - if you went there , you were either old , Italian or both . Those two parts of my existence , and the people in them , stayed separate . I was grateful for that . After coming home from Iraq , it took me a while to figure out that getting through life meant compartmentalizing it . New York was as tribal as the desert . It just had more compartments . After a few weeks , the various kickball tribes got used to the Fat Dyke Ref . If I wasn 't quite welcome , I was at least tolerated , like a neighbor 's Christmas decorations in May . They 'd taken to my cousin Squatch more easily - he 'd become the Ref With the Burned Face - mostly because he 'd just flex his biceps when they tried to argue a call . Six - foot - four and 280 pounds , Squatch was the Eurasia of big people - sprawling but shiftless . The kickballers didn 't know that , though . They just saw a mute giant with a face of brain . Not even the man - roosters wearing their high school baseball cleats messed with that . Our downstairs neighbor Chad was the league commissioner , and how we 'd gotten the jobs . Squatch already worked as a bouncer at the local bar Chad owned , Not Chad 's . Apparently muscle was needed at the kickball fields too . I got the league a tax credit ; Chad had seen something on the news about hiring veterans being good business and texted me immediately . He wasn 't so bad , as far as grown men who wore backward caps to hide their baldness went , but him rolling around the park on a Segway drinking from a plastic chalice did little for Williamsburg 's reputation . The gig proved simple enough - out , safe , fuck off , that sort of thing . Other than whining about calls , no one said much of anything to me , not directly . Then , three weeks in , one of the man - roosters noticed my tats . " Yut , yut , " he said as he walked up to kick , nodding to the black ' Semper Fidelis ' ink slashing my forearms . He had a wood necklace on , common enough in north Brooklyn , except for what hung from the end of it - a hand - carved EGA . Unless something had changed in the four years I 'd been out , the eagle , globe and anchor was still the official emblem of my beloved Corps . " Kill , " I replied . Another marine , here ? I couldn 't believe it . The only other vets I 'd met in the hood had been a dipshit fobbit writing a screenplay and the old - timers at the VFW beer hall on Grand Street . The maybe - marine with the wood necklace was built like one of us , firm and knotty , but he had long drummer hair and skin bare as Saran wrap . The only marines I 'd known without tattoos were officers . But this guy didn 't walk the way they did . He had swag , shoulders rolling forward like a proper grunt . He looked Asian , or maybe half Asian - he was pretty enough , under all the fuzz on his face . Before I could sniff his war balls - where , when , what unit - he kicked a two - run double into a banking red sun . It won the game , and he didn 't bother to circle all the bases , disappearing between the dog - run and the big sycamore Girls filmed in front of one time . This vanishing act didn 't seem to trouble his team , though . They were already talking victory drinks . Later , during the evening games , I wondered if I 'd imagined it all , the EGA necklace , the hair , the yuts . The new pills from the VA had been messing with my dreams ; maybe they could mess with my not - dreams too . Or perhaps he 'd been a goddamn ghost . Some leatherneck who hadn 't made it back from the desert . Or he was just some idiot who 'd played too much Call of Duty . That felt right . I mentioned the hipster marine to Squatch that night as we walked back to our apartment . We lived in a sleepy trapezoid of east Williamsburg that was still more Italian than gentrified . Our grandma had bequeathed the place to the two of us in the hospital , after making us promise we 'd sell only to fellow descendants of Lo Stivale . " You sure he said yut ? " Squatch had been umping another game , so he hadn 't seen the guy with long drummer hair . " That 's not really a word , Marti . He could 've said cut . Or butt . Or he was burping . " " There 's the way marines say yut , and there 's the way everyone else says it . " Squatch himself had said it like a slow kid trying out phonics . " This guy said it the way we do . " Squatch shrugged . He was unconvinced , I could tell . He wanted me to go back to school , on the G . I . Bill , but I 'd tried a couple times already and it hadn 't taken . He 'd also suggested I find some vets group in the city , like a political thing or whatever . " Put that wrath to use , " he liked to say . I 'd done some disaster relief in the Rockaways after Sandy , joining up with an organization made up of a lot of young vets and first responders . It 'd been a good experience , and real work . Even made my heart glow for a couple days . Then I 'd come home and looked up the org 's public financial records . I stopped volunteering after that . The evening air was broth ; New York Junes weren 't much for mercy . Other than some traffic din from the BQE , the only noise in the neighborhood came from a block over , where some kids had opened a hydrant . It sounded wet . To the west , distant and bound by broken clouds , the Freedom Tower jutted through the sky . A small beacon blinked at the top of it , a bright red light there to ward off planes . It sort of reminded me of the Eye of Sauron , but I pushed that thought away . If there was anywhere left in the world where we were still the good guys , it was there . On Humboldt Street , someone had tagged the metal shutters of an auto - body shop closed for the weekend . A large orange bull 's head gleamed from the shutters ' center , horns filled in with a black burnish like midnight . Squatch cursed at it . Lately a lot of spray - painted bull 's heads had been appearing in the area . We passed by Mr . Pisano , probing down the sidewalk with his cane , fitting and refitting his tweed hat . He 'd lived in the walk - up across the street since the Depression and done a tour in the Coast Guard . We said hello , but he looked back blankly , his face a map of deep wrinkles . He smelled like Vaseline . " He thinks we 're them , " Squatch said . He meant gentrifiers , or hipsters , or scenesters , or anything other than a native . " I 've known that man since Little League . " " Naw , dude . Ain 't that . " There 'd been a distant look in Mr . Pisano 's face , more amnesia than anger . " Just old . " Squatch held open the front door of our apartment building with a sarcastic " Yut . " I ignored him . Chad was in the hallway , folding up his Segway . He smiled wide at us , his backward cap angling out to the side . " Whoa , don 't use that word . " Neither of us knew what Chad meant , so he continued . " The hipster is dead . We 're post - hipster now . " I didn 't want to talk hipsters , and I definitely didn 't want to talk post - hipsters . " When we getting paid , Chad ? " I asked . My monthly disability check covered most of the bills , a recurring gift from the hidden artillery shell that 'd blown out my left eardrum . But a girl could always use some spending money . I had my eye on a new pair of wedges I 'd seen at a store along Metropolitan . " This isn 't easy work . " " End of the month , end of the month , " Chad said . " And I appreciate what you do , remember that ! But , well . Marti . There 's been some - not complaints , really . More . Observations ? " " Please . " " Fine . " I was surprised it 'd taken this long ; some raptor - faced skank had called me the meanest person she 'd ever met the week before . " I 'm working on my people skills . " " That 's great , really great . " Chad was one of those earnest souls deaf to sarcasm , like it was a dog whistle beyond his range . " Gonna need my umps ready for next week ! Balls and Dolls are playing the Swashbucklers in the night game . Have assigned you both to it . Last season the two teams - well . They got into a fight . And the cops came ! Can 't have that happening again . " I hadn 't umped the Swashbucklers yet , but Balls and Dolls were a team from Bushwick , a walking , talking testament to the new Brooklyn privilege . The guys were scraggly barista - poets , beta males who looked like they subsisted on nothing but kale and chai lattes . And the girls all seemed shaken out of an Urban Outfitters catalog . Their captain was an editor at Vice , an outlet I wanted to hate , except it 'd done better work on the Libyan civil war than anyone . How that team had brawled was beyond me - most of them probably couldn 't make a proper fist . But damn if they weren 't good at kickball . Even the bitches knew when to tag up , how to bunt . Chad and Squatch wanted to talk about the other team , though . The Swashbucklers . " The ones with the pirate flag ? " Squatch had a sloppy grin on his face , the kind boys got when they thought they were being clever . " The crazy blonde pitcher , right ? " " I 'm gone , " I said . My cousin could poke holes in all the hood rats he wanted , but that didn 't mean I had to hear about it . " Hate to miss boys ' club shit , but I got a bottle of wine to pop . " They just snickered as I climbed the stairs . Fucking Peter Pans , I thought . Must be nice . Our apartment was dim and cool . Squatch had left the kitchen ceiling fan on again . It creaked with every rotation , like a tongue popping off the roof of a mouth . I grabbed a red from the wine rack and a half - eaten roast beef sandwich from the refrigerator . The fan kept creaking . Need to get that looked at , I thought . Before it flies off and slices my jugular . My room smelled of hamper . Three weeks ' worth , I figured , the floor a Pompeii of sports bras and button - ups . I stepped through the rubble and opened a window . Eating my half sandwich on my bed , I streamed an episode of Broad City . Squatch didn 't like the show , said it used too much gross - out humor . I 'd told him it was because he was sexist . We 'd had to listen to generations of dick jokes , what was wrong with hearing about how the other half lived ? He 'd wanted no part of that discussion , for some reason . Unlike the floor , the walls of my room were bare . Nail holes from my grandmother 's time could be found here and there , remnants that looked like dark scars but felt like nostalgia . When I couldn 't sleep I 'd try to remember what went where , back when my bedroom had been her sitting room . The crucifixes , all four of them , had been easy enough to place . But what about that photo of Frank Sinatra ? And the Virgin Mary ? How about that other photo of Frank Sinatra ? And the other Virgin Mary ? What about the canvas of a Tuscan marketplace that our aunt had taken ? I 'd wanted the piece but hadn 't fought her on it . Seniority and all . I had something of my own to put up on the wall , if I ever got around to it : a color photograph of Al Hillah . The ministry dominated the foreground of it , a sandstone fortress engulfed by dust . Behind it , the muddy Euphrates ambled by , rows of date trees posting guard on both banks . The sun was high , proud , all the bright of noon cast down upon the quiet Iraqi town . In a far corner of the photo , a keen eye could make out black , vertical slashes - the streets and alleys of the vegetable market . Beyond that , five miles or so to the north , were Nebuchadnezzar 's ruins - supposedly , at least . Eight months of war and occupation , and we never found the time to go see what remained of the ancient Hanging Gardens . The photo 's likeness was buried somewhere in the trunk in my closet , under a pile of uniforms and boots and certificates of commendation . I 'd taken the original on my alive day with a disposable Kodak , hours after we 'd rolled over the artillery shell and stumbled into an ambush . Squatch had gotten the picture blown up and framed last Christmas , a gesture I appreciated but didn 't need . The sight had been carboned to my mind the instant I snapped it , as well as all the other things cameras can 't seize . The feel of sweat running down the nape of a neck . The sting in the back of one 's eyeballs from smoke billows . The smell of canal stink . The rush of having located the enemy , closed with the enemy and destroyed the enemy . Of having laid into the Golf from a Humvee turret and filled the day with brass and cordite and sour , supreme death . Of becoming a true marine . I knew then what I had trouble remembering now . That I 'd have given much more than an eardrum for that moment , for that feeling , perverse as it was . I 'd proved myself worthy . Not bad for a female lance corporal banished to a cultural support team with the Army , all because she 'd head butted an E - 4 stateside who 'd grabbed her ass . I 'd gone to Al Hillah an exile , to feel up haj women , patting down burkas and abayas to make sure Grandma wasn 't packing heat or little Suzie Akbar wasn 't strapped down with a suicide vest . There was a quick knock at the door , then it swung halfway open . It was the man himself , his face carrying a pink shine from the day , as well as the beginnings of a sunglass tan . Moron , I thought . I 'd told him to put on sunscreen . If anyone needed to be careful , it was him . " Marti - got a minute ? " Squatch asked . I nodded , and he sat down on the foot of my bed . He looked around my room , faux - admiringly . " Interior decorating . That 's what you should do . " " Yes . " We 'd been 12 , the summer between sixth and seventh grade , and the family had gone to the Poconos for a long weekend . To embrace the outdoors or something . As city folk , we 'd neglected many of the essentials , like bug spray and ice , but by night two , everyone seemed to have adapted , maybe even relaxed . Then young Squatch , tasked with refueling the outdoor generator that powered the cabin , bumped the metal fuel spout against a starter cable hanging across the tank . After a long summer day under a big summer sun , the positive - to - negative charge contact ignited the fuel , then the fuel can , and then the boy holding the fuel can . It took two extinguishers to put him out , and his face had resembled beef stroganoff ever since . " It 's not been easy . I used to be normal . You know ? " " The point , Squatch . " He wasn 't one to talk about this . I couldn 't recall if we ever had . It made me nervous . " Fine . " He sighed one more time , short and sharp , like a dart of air . " Some people in the league heard there 's an ump who 's a vet . Those people assumed it was me . They asked about it . I didn 't correct them . " Now that we 'd crossed some sort of mental Rubicon , the words flowed . A group of kickballers were regulars at Not Chad 's . Squatch had stayed after his shift a few weeks back to drink with them . They 'd assumed he was the vet they 'd heard about . While he kept trying to correct them , they wouldn 't listen - thought he was trying to be humble . Then the thank - you - for - your - services started . Then the free beers began coming . Then the blonde pitcher from the Swashbucklers had sat on his lap , saying she felt like doing something patriotic . He never actually said he 'd served , or been to Iraq , or been shot at , but he knew that was semantics and he was sorry , he was sorry about everything , but could I maybe not blow up his spot if it came up at the big kickball game next week ? " This is … . " I didn 't know what to say . I needed to be angry , righteous . Pretending to be a combat veteran wasn 't just an abuse of common decency , it was actually illegal . Stolen valor and shit . Every time I turned on the news , my generation of vets was being exploited by this politician , or that cause , or for whatever argument . We were ciphers to most of America , other people 's sons and daughters , and other people 's sons and daughters didn 't possess nuance or agency . And my cousin , my own blood , a guy who 'd never been further from home than Daytona fucking Beach was freebasing all that for a few high - fives and a drunken blow job ? I couldn 't muster anything , though . Some of the biggest posers I 'd known were vets . The pogue who never left Kuwait but needed to pretend he 'd crossed the brink . The staff officer whose lone patrol off base became more dangerous with each of her retellings . Even the grunts , it was rare for them to stick to the truth , because the truth was never enough . War stories meant bullshit , that 's just how it was . Deep down , I knew I 'd exaggerated what happened that day in Al Hillah to people , be they surly uncles I wanted to impress or lipstick dykes I wanted to screw . I wasn 't proud of it . But still . It 'd happened , and it 'd probably happen again . Maybe we 'd earned the right to bullshit , while Squatch hadn 't . That made sense . But he 'd never wallowed in what 'd happened to him . Maybe he 'd earned a right to bullshit too . " Fine , " I said . Surprise fell down his chewed - up face like rain . Something else was bothering me more than his lie . " Long as you promise to get that kitchen fan fixed . It 's driving me crazy . " He agreed so readily I thought he was going to hug me . I scooched back , then made him watch a Broad City episode , the one about vaginas being nature 's pocket . Halfway through , during an ad , he asked if I missed it . The week came . The week went . I went to mass . I went to the VA . I went to Mama 's . It remained Africa hot outside . On the subway I listened to a realtor explain the difference between east Williamsburg and East Williamsburg to a tech bro with a baby slung to his chest . I ate at something called Muffin Town , a new breakfast joint on Graham Avenue . It wasn 't bad . I searched the streets for the hipster marine , but the only person I recognized was tweed - hatted Mr . Pisano , rifling through recycle bins and smelling of Vaseline and wine . Sunday landed like a groan . I 'd been half - awake and hungover when Squatch knocked at my door , saying we needed to be at the kickball fields in an hour . One shower , two glasses of water and three Advil got me upright and moving , even if I wasn 't happy about it . The day defied me , though . A valentine of a sun shined above , pallid clouds and a light breeze checking the heat . Some black kids walking from Bed - Stuy to the pool were blasting Biggie from a small boom box , snapping each other with towels . A couple guidos in muscle tees loitered in front of the corner deli , admiring a large setter on a leash . The bells of St . Francis clanged through the neighborhood , newly redeemed souls spilling onto the concrete with a verve the priest had to know wasn 't because of any homily . At the fringe of McCarren , callow stoners filled the skate run , some with boards , most not . Sweet tangy herb tickled at my nostrils . I 'd always wanted to like weed more than I did . Four stark bull 's heads marked the entrance to the run along a concrete slab , all different colors and sizes , like strange hieroglyphics of a mystical temple . Across the street , a group of lumbersexuals drank PBRs on a bar patio , all wearing cut - off flannels . " Urban rustic woodsman " was the look of the year ; New York mag had told me so . I remembered the Rapture had played that bar a couple years prior . It 'd been a good show . That 'd been before the band sold out , and before that bar had become a place frequented by lumbersexuals . Cutting across the bottom of the park , I stopped to watch a game of Mexican volleyball . While their families grilled and gossiped , the young men hustled and set , hustled and set , over and over again , only pushing the ball over the net when they had to . They played the game so differently than the long Californians on television : more quickness than power , more care than craft . I found it transfixing , like looking into a kaleidoscope . When they breaked for cervezas , I continued on my way . The kickball fields lay in a north - side hollow of the park , two perpendicular diamonds of silt and sand . During the rest of the week , and for most of the year , they were just fields - for softball , for Frisbee , a place where teenagers could grope and heroin junkies could drool . But on summer Sundays , thanks to a permit secured through the parks department , the fields belonged to us . Like a kickball Stalin , armed with a fat grin instead of a mustache , Chad had a series of five - year plans for the league : first Brooklyn , then the other boroughs , then the entire Eastern seaboard . It hardly mattered to him that those other places already had their own recreational pursuits meant to evoke the wonder of childhood ; those games and organizations would be conquered , then appropriated , all in good time . Fate demanded it . " We have something those places don 't , " Chad liked to say from his Segway throne . " Remember that . " Then he 'd roll away , not having said what , sipping from his plastic chalice . Both afternoon games passed without much incident . There was a 50 - 50 call when a sliding hipster 's foot met home plate the same moment the ball reached her skull . I called it safe , mostly because her glasses flew off from the impact . A man - rooster from the other team protested , red - faced and hysterical , something I entertained for a few seconds before snorting and crossing my arms . " You done ? " I asked . His eyes were all over the ' Semper and Fidelis ' tattoos I 'd brought to the conversation . They went from interest , to confusion , to fear . The sound of his voice was threatening to rouse my hangover , so I flexed my forearms to make sure . The evening game arrived a few hours later . As the teams got settled in their respective dugouts , Chad and Squatch waved me over to the first - base line . I took my time getting there . I wanted them to know I thought they were being dramatic . " I 'm serious , " he said . " One of the Swashbucklers posted that he 'd - well . That he 'd donkey - punch another player 's grandmother . Not even his mom . The grandmom . " Chad had a point . Mom jokes were one thing , but grandma jokes were another . We briefed our roles . Chad would be behind home plate , calling fouls and strikes . I 'd be in the shallow outfield , responsible for second base . And Squatch would be behind the pitcher 's mound , nominally responsible for calls at first and third , but also strategically placed in the center of the diamond . " Same rules as Not Chad 's , " Chad said to him . " First hint of trouble , bounce ' em . I can 't have the league getting a reputation for allowing ruckus . " I wanted to make fun of Chad for using the word ruckus , but the park lights turned on that moment , illuminating the fields in a murky glow . I took my position in the outfield center , facing home plate . To my right , the Swashbucklers had raised a black pirate flag above their dugout , held fast to a long radio antenna . Across from them , Balls and Dolls were jumping rope to warm up , wearing matching tie - dyed uniforms and a rainbow array of Chuck Taylors . It was then that I promised myself to go back to college , for good this time , to get a real - person job , to live a real - person life . I wasn 't sure I could ever be more than a marine . But that didn 't mean I couldn 't be something other than one . The game began normally enough . The Swashbucklers scored two runs in the first inning , which Balls and Dolls equaled in the second . Nearly everyone seemed well behaved , placid even . I couldn 't decide whether we were dealing with overhype or just yuppie blowhards . From the outfield , it was tough to tell . The exception proved the Swashbucklers ' blonde pitcher . I kind of liked her , despite the holes Squatch had poked , despite the pit of whiskey she 'd fallen into . She was alpha and suffered no fool . When her third baseman bobbled a bunt , his name became Swamp Donkey . When a kicker kept letting pitches roll past in the hope of a perfect ball , the blonde told her she 'd " cunt punt " her if the next pitch wasn 't kicked . And when Chad called a ball fair that she 'd believed foul , she went in on his baldness with a cold , dark rage . During the fourth inning , I looked up to find the moon punching through a dirty sky . Something about it reminded me of Al Hillah - the crescent silhouette , the flashlight authority , the way it stirred gooseflesh on my arms even though I 'd put on a long sleeve to cover my tats , per Squatch 's request . If I 'd been the kind of person who believed in signs , I 'd have taken it as one . But I wasn 't , so I didn 't . I just checked my phone for text messages I knew weren 't there . The whiskey was beginning to affect the blonde 's command . Most of the Balls and Dolls squad adjusted accordingly , but with the bases juiced and two outs , the Vice editor wasn 't having it . After the third straight ball , he called out to the mound , " Roll it to the middle one , Lady Lush ! " I learned a few things about myself in the melee that evening . For one , while it didn 't quite compete with combat , a stray elbow to the jaw got the blood howling too . For two , while I didn 't like barista - poets , or hipsters , or post - hipsters , or privilege , I disliked assholes more . That 's what the Swashbucklers were - nothing but a tribe of assholes . And for three , while carnage had its perks , it required more stamina than I 'd recalled . If kickball ruckus was to become a recurring part of life , I 'd need to hit the McCarren track more . I also learned a few things about my cousin . Perhaps Squatch should 've joined up after all . He was a goddamn hero that night in Williamsburg , tossing angry little people around like they were made of plush . Even Chad wasn 't spared ; our chrome - domed , chalice - sipping leader got mistaken for a kickball insurgent and wheeled into the infield dirt . By the time some semblance of order was restored , the greasy catcher had a torn shirt and a busted eye socket , the Vice editor was staggering off a concussion , and Squatch had gotten hold of the blonde pitcher , picking her up from the ground like she was a fitting toddler . " Chill , Amy , " Squatch said . She was kicking and trying to pry out of the grip he had around her waist . " It 's over , it 's all over . And it 's all good . " " Fuck that ! " She wasn 't having any talk of peace , let alone reconciliation . " And fuck you . Lemme go , you fucking ogre fuck . " Squatch tried to laugh that off too , less convincingly this time . I heard some snickering behind me . " Probably did something retarded to get like that , " a voice said . It was hushed , but not hushed enough . " Like tripped over a bomb . " I didn 't see what team the guy was on . It didn 't matter . After a quick sweep of his knees , I had him on the ground and prostrate . I dug a sneaker into the back of his head and yanked up on his left arm , securing a wristlock . I heard some what - the - fucks and Fat Dyke Refs from the group but knew I was good . The women weren 't man enough to come after me . Neither were the guys . " Apologize , " I said , gritting my teeth out into a fake smile . " What you said wasn 't nice . " The body beneath me objected , saying he didn 't know what I was talking about . I raised up on his wrist ever so slightly , yielding a sharp whimper . A few more degrees and I 'd snap it clean . " Let 's try again , " I said . " Not good enough . " Something like wrath , or clarity , or maybe even duty coursed within . I thought about Al Hillah , and the marines and soldiers there . I thought about the Iraqis there , and still there . Then I thought about Squatch , stupid Squatch and his stupid face and his stupid , stupid lie . All of that was this motherfucker 's fault . He was everyone and no one all at once , which is not someone to be while snared in a wristlock . " I am an infantile piece of shit , " I said . " I play a child 's game once a week to escape the yuppie void of my life . When confronted by a real person of experience , I mock , because I know how meaningless I am in comparison . Things like ' honor ' and ' courage ' and ' commitment ' are just words to me , not values . Not ways of being . " " Marti , " Squatch said . His hands were on my shoulders now . " Let go . " We decided to call the game , something even the man - roosters didn 't protest . Squatch and I stood off to the side while Chad played negotiator and placated . Hands were shaken , backs were patted , half - assed apologies were half - assed . No one approached us , though , not even the blonde . She didn 't look so drunk anymore , and wouldn 't look Squatch 's way . Balls and Dolls collected their jump ropes while a Swashbuckler lowered the pirate flag slowly , like it wasn 't an act of acquiescence . Though the police hadn 't come this time , Chad thought it best he file a report , just in case . He thanked us , meaning it too , and walked off to the local precinct . Squatch asked if I 'd join him for a beer at Not Chad 's . " We 'll sit on the deck , " he said . " Our people . Kickballers don 't go back there . " I told him next time , not because I didn 't want a drink or to talk things out , but because I needed to find someone , or at least try to . The moon had fallen behind an armada of gray clouds , leaving the Brooklyn streets fantastically dark . Behind me , across the river , the Freedom Tower burned bright . I didn 't turn around to find its red eye , though . I was walking east , east then east again , not slow , not fast either , thinking about what I 'd do when I found the hipster marine .
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I don 't know if I 'm just simple - minded and therefore extremely easily entertained , but put me in the right company and give me a comfy couch with a diet Coke and / or some wine , and I don 't need to budge pretty much ever . Right now , I am sitting in an airport facing a two hour flight delay , and I feel completely content nonetheless because I am coming off of a weekend of exactly that kind of awesome - - the kind where it 's pouring rain outside and you 're ensconced in big cushions and there 's a muffly little dog running around and you 're chatting your face off with someone so like - minded you can 't believe you 've only barely known them a year or so . While many people were BlogHer - ing around Chicago - - and I 'm sure having a fabulous time - - I was Jonniker - ing , and damn it was a fantastic couple of days . I 've raved about her plenty before , especially about the first time we met in person , and even though we 've only seen each other in person once before , somehow it felt totally natural to get off a plane and see her standing there waiting for me at the end of the terminal and clamber into her car as if I 'd been here a thousand times . When we got to her house , I played with the pets and helped myself to her Wheat Thins and Pomegranate - Mango Softsoap shower gel ( which I am running out and buying as soon as I get home ; I wanted to squirt it directly into my mouth , it smells that good ) and pretty much throughout we talked nonstop , never an awkward lull or a dull moment . We tooled around town a little bit and hung out with her adorable husband , and we made Pioneer Woman 's peach crisp with maple cream sauce ( which was delicious , although I think we undercooked it initially , so it improved exponentially when we reheated it on the second day - - I am already thinking about making it with apples , or possibly berries , or maybe just making a big pan of the crisp and smothering it in the maple cream sauce and then weeping with pleasure as I eat it by the pound ) , and we just talked and talked and talked . Which was all I really wanted Also , for anyone who reads her site ( which you by all means should ) and pictures her being some kind of clumsy fashion don 't because of her sweetly self - deprecating way of depicting herself , I am here to disabuse you of that notion , because she 's trim and cute and looks a bit like a young Tina Fey but better and with way , way awesomer hair , and she didn 't trip or do anything even remotely awkward the entire time I was there . Of course , I myself am a clumsy fashion don 't , and I managed not to smash the coffee table or rip a gaping hole in my pants , but then I was only there for 48 hours or so . So maybe we 're just equally good at hiding it . My weekend was not without accomplishment , by the way , inasmuch as I finished Harry Potter on the way down , and I won 't say a thing about it since many of you may not have read it yet . I will just leave it that my seatmates must have thought I was a bit of a nutter as I snorfled and white - knuckled and gasped my way through a good 250 pages in the course of a relatively short flight . It 's so rare to read something that compelling , something that you literally do not want to put down , and I never thought I would find myself saying that about a series of books about wizards and magic . Honestly . I was so resistant to the whole concept when it first came out , in part because there was such a frenzy around it , and in part because I was caught up in my own tortured life ( I was either in law school or I was a new law firm associate at the time - - I can 't remember exactly and I 'm apparently too lazy to look up the publication date of the first book to figure it out ) , but last year when I caved and devoured the first six books in a few short months , I realized how lame I 'd been . I felt like I had cheated myself out of so much enjoyment by resisting the hype . Sometimes I am guilty of rejecting things solely because they 're crazy - popular , even though I know better ( although in this case , I also recall thinking , " Kids doing magic ? Really ? I mean , how good can it be ? " ) . It turns out sometimes | I officially have a crush on Dominic . ( The judges ' reaming ? I did not agree , I have to say . I think again this was an issue of bad choreography / style , and I thought they did as well as they could with it . Regardless : cute ! He 's cute . And also damn versatile , all things considered . ) Danny is also on my list . He was like a new man this week , all sincere and vulnerable and sexay , and , uh , nice arms ? Shew ! His solo was by far the best , as in it made everyone else look like they 'd just tossed themselves around the stage at random for a while ( except maybe Sara - - she was excellent , and , OK FINE , I have a little crush on her , too ) ; with him , you can see the purity of the choreography , as though each step has a bright line around it . Which isn 't at all to say that it was choppy - - au contraire ! It 's that you can actually see the choreographer 's intent , like you 're watching the highest possible expression of each step and transition . Also , he has exceedingly perfect teeth . Does Lacey have a face other than Sex Face ? I mean , she 's hot , fine . HOTT , even . ( She blows that smokin ' little Heidi right out of the water - - although has anyone else notice that Heidi got some serious boobies since last summer ? Dang . ) But the Sex Face becomes kind of distracting after a while . Everything Lauren does annoys the living spit out of me . She is so pleased with herself all the time . I hate her little smirks and her little shrugs and her archy eyebrows . Do not like . Plus : man - neck . Sabra . She is a doll . She has the most beautiful energy - - OMG , was I possessed by Deepak Chopra just now ? - - and you just want to hug her . Aw . Love ! Well ! Y ' all , I am BUSY . Work has suddenly exploded into a mass of redwelds and manila folders and stacks and stacks of papers and ohmygod LOOMING deadlines , and I spent both days this weekend frantically writing briefs and other exciting legal - type documents . Which means that I have not even gotten 200 pages into the new Harry Potter , and by God , if anyone lets slip the ending before I get there , I will freak right the hell out ; there will be much flailing of limbs and possibly wild , slapping motions . And screaming . Tomorrow I will be commuting with my iPod blasting and my hands clamped over my ears , humming like a small child , " I can 't hear you , hmm hmm hmm hmmmmmm , " in case any jerko decides to yammer about the fate of our dear wizarding friends on the subway . The worky weekend doesn 't bother me too much , what will all the traipsing about Spain and the rendering of guilty verdicts of late and all , and plus I have supersuperduperextraexciting stuff coming up . As in , visiting Jonna this weekend ! EEEP ! OMG . I get to hug her dog ! And sit on her couch ! For some reason , as I 've told her , whenever I think of my visit , I picture the two of us running up and down her stairs , wearing pajama pants and tank tops and clutching glasses of wine . I have no idea why . I don 't own pajama pants , and I see no reason that we would chase each other around the house , especially because the wine could slosh out of the glasses and spill ( which for me could happen even when I 'm seated , but that 's beside the point ) and I 'd rather not be remembered as The Weird Bloggie Friend Who Spilled Red Wine All Over Our White Carpet . And then ! OMG ! Allison , David and Maggie are coming for a visit ! We always have the BEST time together , obviously , and as an added bonus they 'll get to see our apartment for the first time , whereupon they will marvel at how we cram into under 1 , 000 square feet with two pets and how you can wash your hands while sitting on the loo in our guest bathroom . It will also be our first time hosting a toddler , which excites me to no end even as it frightens me to think that our home might be ( 1 ) dreadfully dull and / or ( 2 ) lethally dangerous for a person under three feet tall . However , we have about 37 playgrounds within a block of here , and there 's Central Park Zoo and the Children 's Museum and even Kidville if necessary , so hopefully all will be well and the Benign Dictator will not deem New York unworthy of her presence . Really , the next two weeks are going to RULE . I just have to find my way out from under all these piles of paper first . ( Incidentally , does anyone else think Hok got a raw deal ? I am STILL upset about it . I mean , yeah , Danny and Neil are brilliant dancers , but I always forget about Neil from week to week - - bland much ? - - and since he and Danny are kind of the same style , whereas Hok is his own style entirely - - which is to say , a Totally Awesome Style of Incredible Awesomeness - - I think Neil should have gone . Boo ! BOOOOOO , jidges [ ( c ) Cat Deeley ] ! I really thought Hok could have gone to the finals because he 's so unique and adaptable to different genres . And ! he was robbed because of the choreography , not because of his dancing . Both the waltz and the Mr . Bojangles thing just didn 't give him anything to DO , and the judges crucified him about things that were not his fault , but the choreographers ' fault , i . e . , that Mr . Bojangles didn 't seem like an old man - - uh , that 's Tyce 's job , no ? Pah . I love Hok and want to put him in my pocket . That is all . ) When we filed into the courtroom to deliver our verdict yesterday , at least ten - - maybe fifteen ? - - court officers lined the aisles and flanked the defendants at their counsel table . It was an impressive display as much as it was unnerving . As it turned out , no one stood and shouted or fainted or moved much at all as the verdict was read , count by count , for each of the boys . Instead , the women brought Kleenexes to their faces and sobbed , their " Noooooooos " and " My baaaaabys " threatening to drown out the foreperson 's faltering voice , reading , " Guilty . . . guilty . . . guilty . " Afterward , we met with the judge briefly - - it was a comforting moment , one we needed badly after that soul - rattling scene . Most of us had returned to the jury room with tears running down our faces , but the judge told us some things that brought us some distance toward composure . He revealed some facts they hadn 't been able to present during the trial , which only confirmed our verdict all the more . And then all twelve of us were escorted to a hidden elevator , brought down to the street through a side entrance , and loaded into a van . Two court officers with guns on their hips drove us to 14th Street , where we were let off near the subway station to go our separate ways . I don 't think this is standard procedure . I mean , yes , it was a homicide case , but I suppose with the number of family members present for both the victim and the defendants , and the underlying implications in the case of rival gang tensions , they didn 't want to take any chances . I didn 't either , frankly . Two of my fellow jurors and I ( hi , guys ! ) headed uptown together and then , blinking in the afternoon light , weren 't quite ready to split up yet . We ducked into a dim bar and had a few drinks to soothe our nerves and recount the experience , going over the lighter parts , like how the detectives who 'd testified had all seemed straight out of central casting - - seriously , you 'd see these guys on the street and instantly know they were cops , with their blocky bodies and squared - off jaws and buzz haircuts and gruff voices - - and how the prosecutor had injected some humor into his summation in ways I won 't recount here because they won 't be funny to anyone else , but suffice it to say I almost got a case of the church - giggles at the time . We also got into grayer areas , policy discussions and social issues and how the trial and its implications tied into a larger picture . I don 't mean to make more of the whole thing than what it was - - I mean , we weren 't sequestered for months and we didn 't put away a serial killer or anything - - but there was something about participating so directly in the grim fate of two people ( and indirectly in that of so many more ) that still has me off - kilter . A day later , I 'm less haunted by the hazel eyes of the one who didn 't testify , the handsome one with the full lips and the beauty mark ( is it called a beauty mark on a guy ? ) , who could play some Hollywood version of himself on screen if only his expression would ever change from the flat stare he wore throughout the trial . ( A social worker on the jury speculated that he was overmedicated on ADHD drugs ; another juror , a psychology PhD , thought it more likely he has a personality disorder - - I figured he was just so detached from everything , his life and his actions , that he zoned out completely ; I suppose we 'll never know , but his eyes will stay with me for a long time ) . A day later , I 'm less convinced that there 's something I , personally , could do to change things . I 've thought about how there are loads of outreach programs and church prograThere 's so much to all of this , and I know I sound like a rambling rube , but I had no idea it would affect me so much . I guess I should have anticipated that , since " Animal Precinct " can send me into hysterics . Coming from my tiny sliver of the world , it never ceases to astonish me the breadth and depth of the human condition , however unpretty it can be . July 17 , 2007 in Scattershot Thoughts | Permalink I feel like I 've just come out of a sensory deprivation chamber or something , as I 've been without constant e - mail and blog access for a few days running . I was on jury duty for the past week . As in , I was picked for a jury . It was . . . I don 't know , it was an amazing experience on all sorts of levels , but it was also unutterably sad in so many ways . I haven 't processed it enough to write a coherent entry about it yet , but I will as soon as I can ( and as soon as I catch up on the week 's worth of work that I missed ) . Suffice it to say , for now , that it was not a run - of - the - mill mugging or petty drug case . It was a felony murder case . And it involved young defendants , young enough to have smooth faces and slouchy clothes , but old enough to have babies of their own and to have seen more of the seedy underbelly of this city than I can even fathom . The victim was young , too . Too young to die . It wasn 't an open and shut case ; no one caved on the stand and no vital piece of evidence was revealed - - ta da ! - - in the final moments of the trial . But it was pretty clear what had happened , and try as they might to throw up smoke and mirrors in our path to create reasonable doubt , the defense couldn 't overcome the evidence and testimony and sheer logic that proved what these kids had done . As a jury , we weighed everything and examined all the possible theories that were offered , and we analyzed each element of each charge so as not to leave anything out . We found the defendants guilty as charged , on all but one count . In the jury room , we had the courage of our own conviction ( so to speak ) , and we had the strength of the stalwart white cinder block walls , the metal - rimmed table and the tile floors . We had each other . When we went back into the courtroom , though , to deliver our verdict , we came face to face once again with those we were about to send away to a cold , unforgiving place for more than a decade . And we came face to face with their families . And the victim 's family . There are no winners in this , no victories to celebraAlthough I don 't for a moment think that our decision was wrong , the keening of the women in the courtroom as the foreperson read out the verdict - - the wailing of the mothers and sisters and girlfriends and cousins of these boys , these boys with the blank eyes and the soft faces - - will echo in my ears for a long time . July 16 , 2007 in Scattershot Thoughts | Permalink Let me ask you a question . Have you ever ordered anything from TV ? I ask because I am extremely tempted to buy this . It 's a super - absorbent towel thingy ! I could save the environment by using less paper towels ! ( And let me tell you , we go through an obscene amount of paper towels ; if I didn 't know better , I would think that paper towel trolls were coming in during the night and eating them ) . And I could clean up Exxon - sized spills in my kitchen with a quick swipe of this miracle product ! The guy pimps it as a replacement for kitchen sponges , which is also appealing since the smell of even a day - old sponge makes me want to kill myself , although the more I think about it , the less sure I am that a piece of fabric the size of a beach towel is going to be handy for wiping off the counter and rinsing dishes on a day to day basis . Even so , the temptation is there . I saw the commercial during the Live Earth concert broadcast ( yes , we watched - - Netflix had failed to send anything compelling , as I have not updated my queue in months - - and it was kind of fun to see , although the whole thing really needed more Bon Jovi , if you ask me ) and I made myself a note : buy Zorbeez ! But then I looked at the Website , which plays the infomercial as well , and wondered if maybe I was being hasty . So I ask you : what is your experience with TV product purchases ? Did they live up to the high expectations set by the enthusiastic bearded guy ? Was it really worth $ 19 . 95 ? Can you truly cut a shoe in half with a Ginzu knife ? Meanwhile , summer has descended upon this city with a vengeance , and I feel as though I 've been transported into a Tennessee Williams play . All I feel like doing is lazing about on the couch , languidly fanning myself and pondering a dangerous romantic entanglement . ( Or , well , pondering something , maybe how the " popcorn " setting on our microwave is supposed to sense whether all the kernels have popped , but instead it stops too early and leaves us with just half a bag of finished product - - a maddening turn of events , as I 'm sure you can imagine . ) I know it 's hotter down South and damn near unbearable in Florida , but despite its longstanding summers of sweltering temperatures , New York is somehow not equipped to handle anything above 80 degrees so somehow it seem worse here . We have window unit air conditioners ( which are insufficient even for me , and I get cold when it 's 75 out ) and the hallways and elevators of just about any pre - war building aren 't air - conditioned at all . The subway platforms , of course , approach blast furnace levels , and since you have to walk all over the place , you end up looking a frizzy , rumpled , wilted mess . Or at least , I do . These women who look fresh and neat all the time , even in the dead of summer ? They are aliens of some kind . Me , I have sweat stains and hastily tied - back hair and a beady forehead and swollen feet . It is in no way a pretty sight . Now that I think of it , maybe I should carry around a Zorbeez to dry off with ! We awoke to the sound of furniture scraping on tile . Housekeeping was cleaning the room next door , apparently by playing floor hockey with the chairs . We could hear water running and toilets flushing and the muffled sound of Spanish soap operas through the wall . Outside , the sun blazed ; I opened the curtains and squinted into the midday light . A view of whitewashed buildings and tile roofs set against a backdrop of craggy mountains greeted me . I took a moment to acknowledge the slightly surreal thrill of waking up in a foreign country , then turned to the business at hand : locating our luggage . I called the number given to us by Air Pooropa . The guy on the other end of the phone told me , with a slight tone of regret , that they had no idea where our bags were . It wasn 't as though they had them in Paris and were just trying to figure out when they could fly them down to Malaga - - no . They had NO IDEA where the bags were . I pictured an Air Schmance baggage handler sitting on our two suitcases , smoking a cigarette and complaining bitterly about les Americains . I explained for the zillionth time that the bags had to be at Charles de Gaulle , most likely in Air Schmance 's custody . He gave me the verbal equivalent of a dismissive shrug and told me to call back later , maybe they would know something then . My husband and I were wracked with hunger - - it was well after noon , which meant that we missed our chance to see the Alhambra as we 'd had tickets for that morning 's entry ( thanks , Air Schmance ! ) - - so we showered and , cringing , pulled on the dingy clothes we 'd been wearing for the previous day and a half . I can 't tell you the level of distress that comes from toweling off , all fresh and clean , only to find yourself in the same underwear you 've worn for more than thirty - six hours . It is beyond hideous . We went out into the glaring noontime sun and found a dark , cool tavern for lunch . Fortified with gazpacho and Coca - Cola Light ( it totally tastes better in Europe - - why is that ? ) , we went about finding a pharmacy and a cloAs we walked past one closed drugstore after another ( do the Spaniards not need access to saline solution and sunscreen in the afternoons ? Do the pharmacies not value profits ? WHAT IS GOING ON OVER THERE ? ) , we happened upon a small department store , where we managed to find a couple of passable outfits and some fancy Euro - unmentionables for my husband . Oddly , they carried women 's clothing but not lingerie , so we soldiered on . We eventually happened upon a store called " Women 's Secret " ( nice try ) and I nearly wept at the sight of all that clean underwear available for purchase . ( I suppose that 's the purpose in this sort of mishap - - you truly come to appreciate the little things in life . ) Around 5 : 30 , the pharmacies opened up ( miracle of miracles ! ) and we stocked up on toiletries . Is it me , or does the European drugstore system blow ? You know , you go in and everything is in glass cases behind the counter , so you have to ASK for every item you need from the salesperson ? And , while I am of the mind that the level of choice we have in this country is ridiculous ( the shampoo aisle in any American drugstore unnerves me a bit ) , I 'd like to have more than ONE varietal of toothpaste to choose from . In any case , we were grateful to have access to anything at all , and about a hundred Euros later ( you WILL be getting an accounting from me of all this , Air Schmance ! ) , we were stocked up and ready to de - odorize ourselves . Meanwhile , our BlackBerries had been non - functional due to systems maintenance back home ( great timing ! ) , and when they started working again I found that my parents had been frantically emailing us , trying to give us information on how to contact Air Schmance 's baggage department and relaying what they 'd been able to glean from my dad calling Air Pooropa in Madrid . That 's right : my parents had spent their entire Saturday morning on the phone and online to try to reunite us with our bags . My parents RULE . My dad being ( 1 ) a fluent Spanish speaker and ( 2 ) the world 's most experienced traveler , and my mom beingThen we went into the final full - court press : my dad called the Air Pooropa baggage people at the Malaga airport directly - - after , again , having people say they didn 't have that contact information or try to hang up on him because they didn 't feel like transferring the call - - and enlisted their assistance to look for the luggage , since we believed it was on its way there . My dad is the nicest man on the planet - - and in Spanish , even more so , I 'm sure - - so the woman there promised to call him as soon as she could confirm that the bags had landed . My husband and I , confident that our stuff , our very own stuff ! , would make it to us the next morning at the latest - - and therefore we would not have to wear flip - flops and souvenir tshirts to my friend 's wedding - - went for a romantic dinner on a plaza by the cathedral . The end of the pain was in sight . While we were between courses , my dad called . The bags had been found . OMG ! They were in Malaga and would be on their way to us the following morning . We celebrated by staying out drinking with other wedding guests until almost 4 in the morning . As of 3 : 30pm on Sunday , however , we still did not have our bags . The wedding was at 6pm . I 'll end the suspense now ( there 's only so long I can drag out this story , after all ) - - we did get them . TWO HOURS before the wedding . And after probably twenty calls to the baggage people ( since they 'd been so helpful all along ) to ask WHERE THE HELL THE BAGS WERE . In any event , they got to us . It could have been worse . But it was a supreme pain in the ass , and easily ( knock on wood ) the worst travel experience I 've had . I like to think , though , that we got all of our bad travel mojo out on this trip so that our trip to Vietnam to bring our baby home will be the smoothest in history . And , by the way , that trip is looking slightly closer since we just moved up to number seven on the waiting list last week - - woo hoo ! I don 't know when we 'll get a referral or when we 'll travel , but I do know that we will not be flying Air Schmance under a | We arrived in Malaga some 24 hours after we left home . We were delirious with exhaustion , and we had that horrid jet fuel - meets - stale - air - meets - day - old - clothing odor . We had only gone to Spain , but it felt as though we should be in Mumbai or Myanmar or somewhere equally exotic to justify that amount of travel . More than anything , we wanted to collect our things , fold ourselves into a taxi , and collapse into bed at our hotel in Granada . I 'm sure you can see where this is going . We stood blearily at the baggage carousel and watched as the other passengers from our flight grabbed their suitcases and rushed for the exit , chattering excitedly about their impending Andalusian adventure . We waited . And waited . A few lone items circled around on the creaking carousel . And then the belt stopped . No more bags . I staggered over to the baggage desk for our airline - - I shall call it Air Pooropa , a partner of our originating airline , Air Schmance - - where I was told to look through the unclaimed baggage area before returning to file a claim . Notably , every single person who had started out on the flight from JFK to Paris was in the same boat - - no bags . My husband and I wandered through the legions of lost luggage that filled a distant corner of the terminal ( if you 've ever had an airline lose your bag for good , I 'm pretty sure it is now sitting in the Malaga airport ) . Ours wasn 't there . Back to the line , where we were now behind all of the others from the JFK flight . It seemed to take weeks for them each to put in their claim . Finally , we reached the head of the line and the woman behind the desk had me fill out some forms and describe the bags . She asked for our luggage claim tags , and I turned my backpack inside out looking for them until I remembered : the Air Schmance guy who had given us our boarding passes for the rebooked flight had taken them and didn 't give them back . I hadn 't realized it until then . " We need this numbers to locate the bag , " the woman said , unsmiling . I told her that the numbers should be in the compFinally , Granada . We careened onto an exit ramp and slid through dim streets , emerging on some kind of square where cabs had gathered . Our driver stopped to ask the cabbies for directions to our hotel . They all gave him blank stares , but then started gesturing and giving what seemed like extremely complicated directions . We eventually found ourselves hurtling down what we thought must be some kind of main road - - people were strolling about and ducking in and out of heladerias - - then flying through a roundabout and sharply turning into a tiny cobblestoned street . Ah ! , I thought . We 're in the old quarter ! Shouldn 't be long now ! AN HOUR LATER , we were still driving around . We 'd go up a steep incline , bank around a hairpin turn , and find . . . nothing . Then we 'd back down the turn and nose up another impossibly narrow alley . The driver would occasionally stop and ask for directions ( there were loads of people about , thank goodness , although some of them were packs of drunk teenagers , which wasn 't so helpful ) ; sometimes , people shrugged and moved on , but sometimes they 'd point vaguely and give instructions . Nothing seemed to get us anywhere , however . I was near tears . It was after 2 in the morning and we were desperate for sleep . We just wanted to GET THERE ALREADY . I kept trying to get the driver to call the hotel ( " Telephono el hotelo ! Por favor ! " ) but he waved me off . I thought we were going to be in that cab for the rest of our lives . And then , suddenly , abruptly , we were on the right street . None of the buildings had numbers on them , so we went all the way up and backed all the way down it a few times ( I can 't stress enough how crazily narrow these streets were - - they were made for one pedestrian or one dude on a horse , NOT A CAR ) until finally I yelled , " STOP THAT ' S IT OH MY GOD LET US OUT . " We tumbled out , paid the driver and buzzed the intercom and the massive wooden door clicked open . We nearly crawled up the steps to the front desk . It was a tiny hotel , just ten or fifteen rooms in a converted old house with a small central courtyard that had been made into the lobby . The woman at reception gave us a key and pointed to our room . It was ten feet away . Right off the lobby . And overlooking the street . I begged for something more private and quiet - - I knew we 'd be kept up all night by people passing by the window and then we 'd be woken early by the foot traffic through the lobby . Not happening . She put us on the fourth floor instead , far from the action , in the World 's Tiniest Hotel Room - - even smaller than the room we had in Venice a few years ago , where the shower was so small you couldn 't soap up your hair without banging your elbows against the sides of the stall . The bed was two lumpy twins pushed together and covered with a wan bedspread that appeared to date from the Spanish Civil War . I splashed water on my face and fell into bed . I checked my BlackBerry and sent my parents an email to let them know the extent of our misery . A friend of ours who had also had a nightmarish travel experience getting there and had just arrived an hour or so before us emailed me to see if we wanted to come join her and her husband for a drink at a nearby bar . I thought about it and was tempted , but declined , thinking I should try to sleep ( and also not wanting to drive her away with my terrible stench ) . Instead , I curled up in the dark room and had a good cry . Then I drifted off into a dreamless sleep . The misery would continue in the morning . Our flight from JFK to Paris was delayed by four hours due to thunderstorms . We waited out those four hours . . . on the plane . The plane that sat on the runway . We had bottled water , thank goodness , and we could use the Berlitz language instruction game on the in - flight entertainment , so at least we were entertained and by the time the weather passed and we made it to the front of the outbound queue , I knew how to say , " Soy alergico de las mariscos " which comes in handy for deflecting any and all offers of fish at restaurants in Spain . Strangely , the delay didn 't bother me that much , and one happy consequence was that , by the time we took off , I was so worn out that I couldn 't summon the energy to be nervous about the flight itself . The unhappy consequence , however , was that we missed our connecting flight from Paris to Malaga . Before we landed , the cabin crew assured everyone that they had rebooked all passengers on new connecting flights overnight , as we soared over the Atlantic . All we needed to do , they said , was go to a transfer desk to collect our new boarding passes . After taking about a nine - hour bus ride from the plane to the gate ( great ! , I thought , they 're just going to drive us to Southern Spain ! ) , we hoofed it approximately 85 miles from one terminal to the next at Charles de Gaulle ( is there a worse - designed airport in the world ? ) and then stood in line at twelve different desks for what seemed like hours before figuring out that we would , in fact , be standing in line for the rest of our lives - - naturally , there were a maximum of two people working at each transfer desk , the people at the ticketing desks said they could not help us ( WHY NOT ? YOUR JOB IS TO ISSUE TICKETS ) , and each passenger took about five hours to complete their transaction when they managed to reach the desk . It was maddening . At that point , I wandered over to the departure monitors and saw that there was a flight to Malaga boarding right at that moment . Which , I figured , must be the flight they had rebooked us on ! Isn 't that convenient , I thought ! So we bypassed the line and ran straight to the gate . In rushed franglais ( " Nous avons been on l ' avion de JFK that was late et il faut que we get to Malaga et nous avons been rebooked dans que ce flight " - - thank you , shitty high school French teacher who thought France was shaped like a boot ! ) , I explained the situation and gave them our original boarding passes . I was met with blank stares , dismissive shrugs and inward sighs by the gate desk staff . They told us in unapologetic tones that this flight was closed and we 'd have to go get back in line at the transfer desk to be booked on the next flight . The one that was SIX HOURS LATER . " Mais non ! " I said . " Ce flight ! Il faut que nous BE ON THIS FLIGHT RIGHT NOW . " The gate agent took my boarding pass and slowly tapped something into her computer . " I am sorry , " she shrugged , pushing out her bottom lip . " It is impossible . " Little did I know , she would be the most helpful person we would encounter over the course of the next two days . Another line , another hour . Finally , we reached the transfer desk , where theWe were sagging with fatigue and our bellies were grumbling , but faced with hours to kill , we thought , " hey ! Paris ! Let 's go see some Paris ! " Make lemonade and all that . Or citron presse , I should say . My husband had never been to the City of Lights , and I thought we 'd pop over to Notre Dame , maybe wander onto the Left Bank and then head back to CDG on the RER . Happily , the train station was right there next to our terminal . C ' est facile ! The ticket machines didn 't work and the queue for the ticket window was about 150 people long . We tried six ways to Sunday to get on the RER without having to wait for twelve hours for a ticket , but then we figured , screw it , let 's take a taxi ! A taxi will be quick ! WE ARE MORONS . We got into the cab and made our way out of the airport and then - - stopped . In traffic . Un - effing - believable traffic . It was the Long Island Expressway on a Friday afternoon in July plus whatever highway in LA causes everyone to grieve about their ninety minute , 2 - mile commute combined . IT WAS HELL . It took us over an hour and a half to get to the OUTSKIRTS of the city . It was not scenic . It was not Parisian . There were no baguettes . We were trapped in a car , famished and exhausted . Our will to live trickled slowly out of our bodies . When I realized that we were not anywhere close to the center of the city and it was taking fifteen minutes to move ten inches , I told the driver to take us directly to the Gare du Nord . There would be no Paris for us . We would have to jump on the RER and get back to the airport - - there was no way I was going to let the train schedule or the traffic or some other snafu cause us to miss our flight this time . So our romantic jaunt to Paris consisted of fifteen minutes in line at the RER desk , a few hot moments on the platform , and a twenty minute ride back to Charles de Gaulle through an industrial suburban landscape . Vive la France . Back at the airport , we had some time to kill , so we got - - you guessed it - - into another line . We wanted to make sure that our bags would indeed accompany us on our flight . The flight was run by a " partner " of our airline , and at the departing gate their staff said we had to go back to the transfer desk ( AAAH ! ) and ask them about the bags . More lines , more waiting . This time , the desk agent shrugged and said she couldn 't check on where the bags were because their " partner " airline " was a different system . " Huh ? We stood over her until she started typing furiously into her computer and then she asked , " Two bags ? About 20 kilos ? Yes , they will be on your flight . " We were dismissed . This flight was , of course , delayed , and by the time it took off we were facing a midnight arrival in Malaga and then another hour taxi ride to Granada . I wanted to weep at the thought of more transportation . But the worst part was yet to come ! July 04 , 2007 in Too Much Beauty | Permalink Around 2pm today , I got the shakes . I needed a fix . A ham fix . We must have eaten twice our body weight in ham while we were traipsing around Andalusia . I don 't consider myself much of a ham person , ordinarily , but the jamon iberico was something else , let me tell you ( something about the pigs being acorn - fed , I 'm not sure ; I try not to think too much about what my food ate before it became my food ) . The taste was somehow mellower , yet more complex , than even the most savory Virginia ham ( which , when I have occasion to consider ( not often ) , calls to mind primarily a metric buttload of salt - - not a negative in my book , but a different flavor on the whole than its Iberian counterpart ) . On a slice of crusty bread with a little tomato spread and some olive oil ? That ham was fan - freakin ' - tastic . We also had gazpacho on a daily basis , sometimes more than once in an afternoon . I liked it best at a taberna in Granada , where it was slightly creamy and they brought it out in hefty white bowls nearly the size of my head with a little tray of diced cucumber , peppers , onion and croutons ( not Pepperidge Farm - style , but crunchy , buttery , fried - bread style ) that you slid into the soup before slurping yourself into oblivion . Oh , and a lesser known cold soup that I have come to adore is ajo blanco , this almond - based , yogurty thing with bits of fruit in it and a tang of spice that soothes the soul on a hot Spanish day . Washed down with some tinto de verano - - another new - to - me thing that I feel like the world has cruelly been imbibing for years without letting me in on the secret ( it 's simply red wine with a bit of seltzer and lemon soda in it , but it is a revelation to me ) - - it was one of the best things ever to pass my lips . When we weren 't eating , we managed to fit in a few other activities - - chiefly attending the gorgeous and rollicking wedding of one of my law school friends , strolling through windy little streets ( the charm of the old quarters of Granada , Seville and Marbella cannot be understated ) , ducking into whitewashed churches , and meandering through cool , shaded gardens . In Seville , we also saw the city 's famed bullring , which was somehow extremely awesome even though it was empty , not a matador in sight , the vast expanse of sand languishing under the fierce sun . And in Marbella , we sat on the beach . The beach was nothing spectacular ( water a plain Crayola blue , sand an uninspiring dun ) , but the town is long on romance and , really , once I 'm on a lounge chair under an umbrella covered in my armor of sunblock and cozy with a good book , just about any beach will do . In short , it was a great trip . Getting there , however , was not half the fun . More on that tomorrow , as I must retreat to bed soon ( and , well , FINE , finish watching the TiVo 'd " So You Think You Can Dance " episodes that I missed ) . Body - time , it 's like three in the morning right now , although to be fair we stayed up until at least one every night while traveling - - apparently some kind of night owl bodysnatchers overtook us for the duration ; we did things like bar crawl through Granada with large groups of friends and drink ENTIRE BOTTLES of cava with dinner ; frankly , I 'm not sure what happened or who those people were , but I am sure we 'll do plenty of couch - sitting to make up for it for the rest of the summer ) . ( Some pictures over in Flickrrrrrr ; I 'll add more over the next few days . )
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Earlier this year I upgraded from a twin bed to a queen . As one of my friends put it , " you 're a grown woman now , you should have a grown up bed . " My twin was less than a year old ( I had slept on an oldoldold twin bed for years that creaked and squeaked every time I moved . . . no wonder I hadn 't been getting good sleep for many many months ! ) so I posted it on ksl classifieds and sold it a few months later after reducing the price multiple times and taking a significant loss . Not only did I have enough room to stretch and sprawl , but I could stretch and sprawl with all three creatures around me and not kick any of them off . It was so nice to have that much space ! Even now , five / six months later , I still sleep diagonally across the bed sometimes just because I can . While I had the twin , I had used the same quilt I had had since I was 18 ( a birthday present from the YW presidency ) . It was a light blue and white with flowers on it , stained from years of use . After getting the queen , I bought a bigger blanket in a light green color . And a comforter ! I can 't tell you the last time I had a comforter on my bed . But it 's brown and soft and warm and I love it . I also grabbed a super - soft super - wonderfully - soft sherpa throw ( the plaid patterned one ) . The underside is fuzzy and warm and fantastic . Then to protect it somewhat from the dogs if they jump on the bed when they 're dirty I kept my old soft blanket ( not as soft as the sherpa thing , but still nice ) and overlapped it . Max and I went back to work with vetereans last night . Once again , I feel like we had a great visit . I 'll just get right into the things that I don 't want to forget : - Max just being awesome again . I have a friend at work that I saw today and when I told her I went back last night the remainder of our conversation went like this - " and ? " " they loved Max . " " not surprised . " ( and she 's not a dog person . I swear , this dog is magical . ) I was told on the way to the visit by Nancy ( a mentor from TAU has come with me both times to get things settled and figured out ) that after last night I wouldn 't be able to go back because the staff didn 't have anyone that they could keep in the room with me while I was there . I admit - I cried a little after hearing that . I have loved being there . I 've said this before , but the big reason I wanted to get Max and I registered with TAU was so that I could work with veterans . I 've specifically wanted to work with those struggling with PTSD and other psychiatric issues . Nancy said that they 've already done a site assessment another location for visiting veterans and that I can start there as soon as I want to basically . They 'll have someone on staff with me all the time too . We swung over there and saw a few residents in a common area and visited for a bit . It 'll be nice to visit there , but I really will miss the hospital even though I 've only been there twice . I started this post writing the background to the therapy dog stuff that I 've been doing . I decided I 'm going to stick all of that at the bottom as more of an optional read . And I 'll just jump into our time with the veterans . - we walked in and immediately a guy came up and wanted to pet Max , and then asked if he could bring him some water . I carry water around with me whenever we go on these visits , but I remembered from the class I took from TAU that some of the people you visit really want a chance to take care of / help / nurture something / someone . I told him that would be great . When he brought the water to Max I was so glad that Max decided he was thirsty . It really was such a great visit . I loved it . I loved it more than I thought I would . And I think Max enjoyed it too . Of course , if I got a full - body massage every time I went to work ( like he does ) I think I 'd really love it too . Last year November I took the handler 's course for Therapy Animals of Utah ( TAU ) . It 's a day - long course where the human half of future therapy animal teams learn what their pets need to be able to do in order to become a therapy animal . We learned a lot about learning to read stress signals in animals so that we would know if our pet gets really stressed during visits . If the pet does get really stressed , you need to end the visit quickly and get them out of there . They want to make sure the visits are as enjoyable for the animals as they are for the people - and stressed animals don 't enjoy visits as much as non - stressed animals do . Anyway , after taking the course I signed up for the team evaluation in February . We went , and Max had an ear infection . They don 't do evaluations in animals who are sick - including ear infected animals . So we didn 't make it past the physical . One - big - reason I wanted to do this with him was so that we could work with veterans . I read an article a few years ago about a therapy dog that would visit veterans who were suffering from PTSD and I decided then that I wanted to do that with Max . I was already pretty sure that he was a prime candidate to become a therapy animal and that was one population that I really wanted to work with . In August I went to this facility and started the process to become a volunteer . This includes a background check and two TB tests . I had to go back there after work three times in a couple of weeks . After that I had to wait for my background check to be completed . A couple of weeks later I got an email saying that I had passed ( shocker , I know ) , and we started getting things set up . Don 't worry . The irony is not lost on me - not at all - that after mentioning that I have a raving - about - Max post pending I end up posting next about what a bad dog he is . I 'll probably still post that other one ( whenever I get around to writing it ) because this post doesn 't make that post any less true . I 've realized that while he is an awesome dog in so many ways , he 's still human . Or , not , rather . But you know what I mean . Oh the way to take my brother to the airport I ignored a phone call from a number I didn 't know ( I do that ) . They left a message and when I played it I heard , " I 'm on the trail and I have your dog Max . " Before I could call them back , and as Graydon is parking the car and getting out , they called again . She told me where they were , I told her where I lived - just North of where they were , she said she 'd walk him North . The problem is , I wasn 't home , and I still had to go back to work until at least 3 ( early day today , yay ! ) . I told her that I have great neighbors and if they were home they would help me with this . I texted Marie my address and then called Susan . After a quick catch up chat she asks , " What can I do for you ? " I told her it was sad , but she was right . Every time I call her I 'm asking for something . I quickly explained and she said she 'd get shoes on right then and walk toward the trail . I texted Marie to let her know my neighbor was walking to meet her and she texted me this - So there 's my story . I have a bad dog , and I am so so so grateful for good - and super - helpful - people who go out of their way to help others . Marie mentioned this was their second " rescue " in as many weeks . What a good lady ! And Susan and Brad are saints . They have been so helpful in so many ways . I am so blessed to have people like Marie and Susan in my life - and so is Max ! ( It actually won 't be that bad - promise ! But while a friend of mine was over at my house this last weekend being sick , he was at his rock star therapy dog finest and hung out with her a few times after I left the room . And that dog follows me everywhere . So he knew what he was doing . He knew . And he 's such a good dog . ( : I 've come to the conclusion that if there 's someone who doesn 't like this dog , there 's something wrong with them . Because he 's just great . Right Jen B . ? : ) A few years ago I read an article about a therapy dog working with veterans . I decided right then that that 's what I wanted to do with a therapy dog . Come last November , I finally took the day - long course required for the human part of the team . In February I took him in for our evaluation and we couldn 't do most of it because he had an ear infection ( they start with a mini - physical and won 't do the evaluation if there are any open wounds , infections , etc . ) . March was full , we went back in April and passed with really good scores . I may have written about that before . Anyway , that 's a summary of it all . Then , this past summer our first therapy dog outing was to the West Jordan library . While we were there I was talking to Deb ( the director of Therapy Animals of Utah - TAU ) about trying to get started with veterans . She said she 's been talking to the VA for a while about getting a team in there , but nothing had happened yet . She told me to go ahead and start the volunteer process since it takes a while ( background check , TB tests . . . ) and hopefully then it 'd be easier for her to get us in if we were already ready . First week of August I got in there with all the completed paperwork that I had been emailed and got my fingerprints scanned . I was expecting to have to get inked up , but it 's all digital now . Pretty cool . I went back four more times in the next couple of weeks to get a TB test started and then checked - twice . On August 27th I got an email saying that my background check cleared ( shocker , really ) . I called in , scheduled my orientation , and that brings us to today ! I 'll be going in this afternoon to go through their confidentiality policies , learning what code blue , code red , etc . mean , their emergency protocols , and then I 'll be setting up visits ! I 'm so excited . I 'm nervous - we 'll be working in the mental health hospital , which honestly , makes me a little more nervous - but I 'm more excited than I am nervous , so I think it 'll be good . So Glad ! So glad that I had a love affair with running yesterday . So glad mostly because today was not wonderful . It wasn 't horrible , but it was hard . Even the promise of listening to the next exciting part of my audio book wasn 't a super motivation to get me on . Don 't get me wrong , it worked , but it was most definitely not a love affair this time around . So I 'm glad I experienced yesterday . I 'm glad because I know that means that there will be days that I absolutely love it . I 'm also glad that I experienced today . I 'm glad because I know there will be days when the last thing I want to do is get on a treadmill . But even if I walk more uphill more than I run downhill , it 'll still be making me stronger . My muscles are sore . And I 'm exhausted . That 's all . Posted by I like running . It 's been so long ( I honestly can 't remember the last time I went running - aside from last night ) that I had forgotten . But when I got on the treadmill , hit 5 mph ( at a 2 % decline - I admit ) and started running , I just wanted to keep running . So I ran . For a mile . That took me 12 minutes . And then I stopped and walked between 3 and 4 mph at a 10 % incline for 1 / 2 a mile . Then ran for another half ( after changing it to - 2 % again ) . And I must say that afterward I felt no inclination to stuff my face with cookies and cupcakes . And that was the big reason I made myself get on the treadmill yesterday . When I did WW the first time and lost 30 lbs . I was on the treadmill almost every day . I don 't think exercise is the biggest factor in weight loss . I think it 's much more about what you 're eating and how much of it you 're eating . But for me , exercise gets in my head and when I 'm expending that much effort to be healthy , I don 't want to blow it all on candy and dessert . And if last night is any indication , this should work for me again . Can anyone else hear the echo in here ? I can . It 's deafening in its silence . I 'm just so out of the blogging habit . Not that it really matters , but I do enjoy writing and I feel kind of sad that I 've stopped writing as much as I used to . Just for me really . But I also loved earning activity points and then not using them . It got in my head . It helped me believe that I really was in control of everything I was putting in my body and that what I chose to earn or not earn and eat or not eat made a tangible difference in how healthy I was . I love my car . It 's unnatural how much I love my car because it 's so old and who knows how long it will last ( hopefully forever , that would be perfect ) . But really , I love my car . We have a long history together . My grandma bought it new , and a few years later took me to the DMV for my drivers license test . I took the test - and passed - in that car . I drove it senior year of high school when my parents bought it from my grandma and she got another car . I saw my sister scratch the tinting on the back windows with her cello when she 'd load and unload it for school . My sister then drove it her senior year and then my brother bought it after his mission ( the timing was perfect since my parents wouldn 't have another driver in the house for a couple of years ) . After my mission I bought the car - with my sister - from my brother for $ 2400 . The following summer I bought the half from my sister because she had gotten married in May . I 've been the sole owner for about 9 years now . I 've actually been looking into buying another car . This past Friday I found what looked like some good prospects online and on Saturday drove out to see a few of them . I won 't go into details , but just yesterday I figured out that the one I was leaning toward wouldn 't be panning out after all . I decided that I should take my car in for the safety and emissions check since my registration needs to be renewed this month anyway . I figured if it passed , it would buy me some time before having to get another car . I figured if it didn 't pass I had a couple of more weeks to really search and find a viable replacement . This is the stressful part . Over the years I 've had to put some money into getting it up to standard . A couple of times it was tires ( I had the alignment fixed earlier this year , so that should help in keeping me from needing to get new tires sooner than I should have to ) , and other times . . . I don 't remember . But it seemed like I was almost always putting money into it to get it ready to register . Yesterday I was emailing this girl ( lady ? woman ? if they 're close to my age I tend to refer to them as girls . . . does that say something about me ? ) from our corporate HR in LA . In our emails it came up that we both had a long - time wish to go to Italy . I mentioned that the older and singler I get the more I feel like I should venture out more on my own since I can 't plan on a built in companion . But I 'm worried that if I ever did travel somewhere alone that I would just hunker down in my hotel because I was too scared to go anywhere . Don 't laugh . I 've seen " Taken . " I know what can happen . She mentioned similar fears of her own and how being able to share the experience makes it more enjoyable than going alone - even if you aren 't hiding in the closet of your hotel room . So we made a pact . I started it with 10 years . As in - " let 's say that if neither of us has gone to Italy in 10 years , we 'll go . " She said that was too long . I adjusted it to 5 , she countered with 2 . My sweet grandma was over for dinner a week ago . She was sitting at the table while we were getting things ready and Belle walked over to be pet . I asked Grandma if Belle was being nice to her ( just for the record , Belle is always nice to Grandma ) . The following conversation ensued - She 's 89 years old . She 'll be 90 in December . I just wanted to write this down before I forgot it because I thought it was so cute and so funny and shows that even though she gets frustrated with herself for forgetting words ( in her third language ! ! ! ) , she has a great sense of humor about it and doesn 't let it make her unpleasant or unhappy . Here she is ( with a fluffy Belle ) when she was still living next door walking back home after dinner . One day I randomly picked Belle up and put her on the walker . Belle didn 't seem to mind , and Grandma loved that she was pushing Belle . After one or two more times Belle started waiting at the bottom of the steps to be picked up and put on . There are a lot of things I 've wanted to blog about . Some of them have happened so long ago that I doubt they 'll ever make it on here - including some trips from almost a year ago . Sheesh . Anyway , today my friend 's one year old ( or almost one year old ) goldendoodle ( same breed as my Max ) came over and they played . For five hours . I think they were both pretty exhausted by the time Atlas went home . Belle was exhausted too , but only because she wore herself out barking at Atlas . She barked so much that I went hoarse from yelling at her . I mean - YELLING . I mean - I can 't remember the last time I have yelled like this . Maybe at a BYU football game . Maybe . ( She did eventually stop the incessant barking and brought it down to an occasional bark - just so I 'd know she was still unhappy about the situation . Rotten little thing . ) I want to form those habits . Habits take a while ( again - " awhile " ? ) to form . It would have been fine if I had outlined a timing for when I was planning on incorporating these habits - one . by . one . Not eleven by eleven . I found a sweet app for my phone that guides me through meditation . I also have a pocket yoga app which is pretty sweet too . Every time I end the day with meditation , I fall asleep very easily . That keeps me motivated to meditate . Here 's an article on meditation . If you don 't look at all of it , make sure you check out the ' how meditation affects you ' section . Very interesting . The poor pups don 't get out very much in the winter . But that was actually what I had in mind when I bought fuzzy boots . Yeah , it 's bitterly cold some days , but if I bundle up enough , I can survive a quick - or slightly longer than quick - walk . And mixed in the bitterly cold we get some beautiful days that I need to make sure I take advantage of ( yesterday , almost 50 degrees ! ) . I just started this blog today and decided to try a different format ( after first checking to make sure that wordpress had apps for iphone - makes posting so much easier ! ) . I 'm hoping to post one picture a day . Go check out my first picture ( posted today , so there will be a second picture posted today too ) . Okay , again , nothing earth - shattering , but I am not the most social creature . I figure if I want to get married ( which I do . . . I think . . . most days anyway ) then I 'm going to have to be social in order to meet someone . So here goes . . . This is maybe the one that I 'm the most excited about ( though I 'm looking forward to each of these ) . Inspired by Walter Mitty , I want to do more , experience more , be more . I 'm starting this month with quitting my job and starting a new one . Both things which scare me , but I 'm looking forward to . If you have any ideas for me , let me know . I want to put a list together so that I can plan ahead and not have to frantically look for something that scares me on the last day of the month and end up doing something stupid . Something like . . . streaking . . . or something . . . ( :
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Here goes : I write a bit of poetry , sometimes about poetry I find and ditto any sort of books I take a fancy to . I seem to have a preference for seeing the changes from the late Victorian period through to the 1930 's , maybe 50 's . But , and a big but , could carry that right up to current poetry / performance poetry . Though sometimes my grounding for ' imagist and Nature ' might unnerve me for too much too modern . However , I do like to range widely over all ' historical ' poetry , and fiction , any and all periods . I also like finding ( if only for me ) regional or partly forgotten poems and poets . Maybe all this is too eclectic to have a themed ' Blog ' but so be it . . . . . . . I also enjoy writing bits of fiction that might add up to a small mole - hill one day . Plus reviewing of new or old books that are relevant to my enthusiasms of Crime fiction , the Arts , Natural History and Special Education . This is on ' wordparc ' . I try to record honestly what I think but if something is too bad ( to my mind , others may love it ! ! ) then I will not ' blog ' it There , what 's that if not seemingly random ! A Graph Review of : A Quick Guide to Special Needs and Disabilities As the title says , here is a quick ( reading ) guide to helping you be confident in recognising many disabilities and confirming those you know , in consistent , brief descriptions of the key elements to look for and techniques to help deal with in the classroom or other situations . The author introduces the techniques as suggestions of methods that have been positive whilst pointing out that variations as well as differing ones may also be beneficial . He quotes case studies of children and also several famous people who have been willing to open their ' disabilities ' to view in order to show it as part of their character and not always a draw - back when their positives can be engaged ; that no - one should be defined purely by the difficulties they have to overcome . As usual there is an index ; plus a note on the author and a useful glossary at the start followed by a few pages on how to ' use the book ' . The book itself is in four sections , the main one being the brief descriptions followed by key support strategies of 65 areas of special needs of varying physical , mental and social areas . With suggested text or web sites for additional follow - up . I am not going to list the inclusions but note the wide ranging from first : ' Allergies ' to the final ' Young Offender ' . Again the author , Bob Bates , makes the comment that the pointers and strategies are frequently as applicable to adults as young or older children . His view , as are many others : that the strategies should fit the ' child ' . Initially I found the use of double - page spread confusing where a new subject started mid - page and you had to recognise that the heavy , broken line across the two open pages was a boundary marker for change of subject . This is a signal to stop at the broken line on the left - hand page and switch back to the top of the right page and read down again to the broken line . Reaching that is the end of the subject and you switch back to the right - hand page below the broken line and repeat moving across to below the broken line on right - hand page again . Maybe I should not have written this comment ; it reads worse than it actually is . However , it did annoy me a little . Maybe the format of the book needed this design , or for me , maybe not . " The first sentence will hook the reader into the story " ………………… . ummmm ! It will encourage you to read - on but the first few paragraphs , maybe pages , are needed to convince the reader to stay loyal . Anyway , writer 's formula or no , it is still the reader that makes the ultimate decision to continue …… or abandon at any stage …… The nub for me , start or finish , is a caught word or phrase eavesdropped , ideally from a stranger . As characters emerge , their voices establishing who they are and indeed where they are enables a story to flow . Like the proverbial story of a spring of water finding its way to the sea ; you may find attachments and sub - stories , information falling like rain and ideas flooding or suddenly soaking away into nothing . The first enthusiasm of scratching paper should not be daunting or carved into stone . This is where basic ideas , plots and characters start to fill the mind rather than just the page . If complicated it may be time to consider an outline plot : basic datelines and possibly a ' hinge ' sentence that has established itself . Draw a ' mind - map ' . The noting of key characters and establishing names . Names to me , like shoes to an actor , establish the character . Not that the name conforms to a type or any of that old stuff but having a few key people sitting in your mind , on your shoulder , as you write about them builds their reality and it is you that have the important work of making them as alive to the reader as they are to you . Whenever you like ! But you have to consider it a hook to catch a reader 's interest . I suppose it should be relevant to the storyline and likely to resonate sooner rather than later ; like a poem that has echoes throughout a series of stanzas , or the nail - biting end of a soap , to be continued ; a chapter in the latest thriller or the now ubiquitous series of films . People are mostly designed to want answers , look for patterns and signs . It is authors that have the authority to provide those trails no matter what the subject . To offer a footpath , small or otherwise , to the conclusion . And that conclusion may well be inconclusive ! If you listen to different authors ( actually I first used the word ' writers ' but ' authors ' seems to raise the stakes a little ! ) who are widely published they will point out the way they start writing . ; where research and plot take them and if they construct a chapter - plan or character - chart , or none . The options are really as many as there are authors and what they offer is in fact proof that the ' writer ' writes in their most effective manner . Effective may well be the least efficient but practice and time usually builds technique . So , are we any closer to a first sentence ? It may well be the last one you write …… . . in that particular genre / style / article / novel etc . etc …… . not ever …… . if you are a writer you will be unable to stop . It is your responsibility to decide ! Of course you may be totally wrong ! Despite previous success / es , creative - courses or even text compilers ( ! ! ) , only actual success and time will prove . Read , re - read and edit , ask friends to comment but build on comment positively . Once upon a time publisher 's editors would " grammatise " and rewrite wherever required to enhance the book sales , unless the author was prestigious , grammatical or of James Joyce in style and status . Today an author may be more averse to such alterations . BUT , do listen to advice if offered . That first sentence ? Assorted authors have said that to start writing you need a blank sheet of paper and to start writing a word : and another and another . It may not matter what the words are though perhaps they should be different . Eventually your ' first sentence ' will appear . If not ? That is another page and we will not accept it here . The magazine made a lazy scrunching noise as I screwed it up then tossed it to the other end of the settee . Even more annoying was it sliding off the cushion and onto the dog 's back . From a mildly twitching sleep she jumped onto all four legs before looking round and down at the runkled pages lying where she had been . A baleful , accusing , look at me and she collapsed again with all four legs splayed out , snout flat on the floor and a heavy sigh . That was it ! Mind , I never got worse than that when the phone rang and I had to get up and go out , leaving the wife , when we should have been in bed playing about ! I suppose I should say ' having sex ' but I always was old - fashioned . Yes , I got too used to a look and a sigh . So did she , I suppose , watching me leave in the middle of the night . It got too regular . Me always going rather than coming . Then it did get worse . She left . I got home at ten in the morning after an extended shift all night . A messy GBH , bit of a chase and then the interview and write - up . By then I had been awake over twenty four hours and managed to say ' hello ' before hauling myself upstairs and collapsing on the bed . She called ' Bye , I 'm leaving ' up the stairs . I didn 't even hear the door close . You guessed it ! She was gone . I woke mid - afternoon , stiff as a board , with the dog doing its deer - hound impression in a desperate attempt to get someone to open the door to get out . Eventually I twigged and scrambled down to open the garden door . Even more eventually I saw the note leaning against the kettle . A very small scrap of paper with just one line written on it , the last word squeezed in and nearly falling over the edge . I read it as I waited for the kettle to boil . What do you do ? I read it again . So short a note and no ifs or buts ; gone ! All the emotions you would expect filtered through me , I won 't actually say them , use your imagination ! The problem was that I was due on shift again in three hours and still had a dog dropping toys at my feet trying to entice me into the garden to play . It was okay for the dog having just relieved itself ; it took no notice of my predicament . Mind you it hadn 't cottoned on to the fact that I was now it 's benefactor . It would have been more worried if it had realised sooner . I read the brief one - line letter again . You really ought to say more than ' I 'm leaving and won 't be back ' , and that written on a torn - off strip two inches high . Maybe that 's what I deserve . We never had much quiet time . Had ! Work eats into your life and there 's no life left ! I spent the next hour drinking more mugs of tea than I should , sliced some cheese , made some toast and broke it into a cheese sandwich . The dog . Can 't leave the dog all night on its own , haven 't even taken it for a walk . Sod it ! I brushed the crumbs off my shirt , realised I was still in the same clothes I put on thirty - six - odd hours ago and looked at the phone . I didn 't dare ring her mobile . I think I smelled of my own sweat , maybe the smell from the victims vomit hung around me too . The dog dropped the toy at my feet yet again and pleaded , eye to eye with me . Resolutely I moved to the phone and rang the Station . We don 't have such a thing as HR just the Duty Sargent . I rang him , spoke with a bit of a hitch in my voice and just garbled that the wife had walked out and I had to look after the dog until I could sort something out . I relented over the dog and went into the garden . It followed , pushed its way past me at the door and collapsed by the wall of the yard ; looked at me from its prone position , eyes flickering between me and the ball it had let dribble out of its mouth . We played for a few minutes . I threw the ball onto a paving slab for it to bounce onto and off the yard wall at an angle for the dog to jump overly - excitedly and catch it . Thud , bonk , scrabble . Thud , bonk , scrabble . And a third time . Fourth time the dog just watched as the ball rebounded and bounced mildly on the slabs to a stop . She sat on her haunches , looked at the ball and up at me . A quick stick - out of her tongue and strolled back indoors . Typical ! Back indoors , shift cancelled , dog played with , I had eaten ; nothing for it but to watch television for an hour or maybe get the whisky bottle . I should have gone to work . No time to think there . Always doing something even if only gossiping or catching up with ongoing crime . Sorry , should call them cases these days , they are not crimes until CPS tells us to proceed and that only happens if all forensics are there ; and on and on . Even when they put their hands up it still has to hang around getting the paperwork certified . I sat there like that . Thinking . Soaps were on , I couldn 't watch them without the wife being there . They were her favourites , I usually just sat and half - watched . That was good enough to follow the storylines until the police programmes at nine o ' clock . I stopped thinking and watched the dog wash its arse yet again . That reminded me I still hadn 't showered but I couldn 't be bothered . ' Still too tired ' I thought to myself but knew it was more than that . Maybe I was working too hard , rather , too often . But there is always work to catch up , thieves or whatever 's to chase and officers off sick to cover for . I can understand when they get hurt , that 's often enough , but all the buggers that claim tension or depression get my goat . They should get up off their backsides and back on the job . I do . I work day after day , or rather night after night getting covered in sick or kicked or somesuch just like the others . You put on a brave face , pretend to smile even if you haven 't slept a wink for days . You have to be nice to the public , positive with colleagues , always watching their back , your back . My back ! What would it matter anyway . There 's always some other sodding policeman to step in the gap when your down . When I 'm down ? I 'm always down , always working , always angry or tired . Both . Poor girl , all she 's got for company is the bloody dog . Looking at you all the time , trying to tell you something . Always wants to be sitting beside you , head on your lap and pleading for sympathy . Sympathy ? Who needs sympathy when you have to get up and be assaulted in the streets because you wear a uniform . Stick to it . Forget what the gov . says , and the doctors . And look at today . What am I worth ? A torn - off scrap of paper with not even a goodbye , just ' I 'm leaving ' . It couldn 't be worse ! What happens now ? Self - pity is what I call it . Depression they said but I don 't hold with it . It started off badly , surprise surprise ! And then it frayed me at the edges as they started realising they were two peas in a pod , or some such rubbish and actually liked all the same stuff . Within two thousand words they had moved from enemies to bosom - buddies about to house - share because of their mutual two - timing boyfriend ! " That 's how it finished ; with the ' beginning of the beginning … . ' . And I crumbled the magazine and threw it and it fell onto the dog . Okay , I admit it now , I sat there , misty - eyed , watching the dog settle again with its huge sigh . I sat there . Sat there . Sat there in the now dark room for however long . " I thought I would keep the dog company . " I didn 't dare move or imagine , just fiddled with the note she had left me . Folded it into a narrow strip and then again while she went upstairs . Maybe to pack another bag ? I unfolded the note , flattened it on my knee . I heard the toilet flush , tap run and then her feet on the stairs as I looked down at that unforgiving note . She came into the room , " I had to go and see Carol , she 's so upset ! That husband of hers has left her . It 's so good to get back here " . She sat heavily beside me , snuggled closer and grabbed my hand holding the note . the book is series of prose sketches from the early childhood of Ali Cobby Eckermann interspersed with almost haunted verse and through teenage to adulthood and closing with a celebration of family . As an aboriginal baby she was among the many forcibly taken from her mother soon after birth as part of Australian social policy of the time . She was adopted into a German Lutheran farming family with children , where she was loved , as was another adopted child . However with growing awareness of being different in a family of differing skin tones , and being subjected to various levels of abuses outside the family situation she developed assorted emotional problems and addictions as she grew to adulthood . Her writing is beautifully simple , descriptive and at times lyrical yet often fearsomely matter - of - fact . By jumping from scene to scene we watch the events through her eyes and begin to be informed of the abuses she suffers and the complications they set in train . Time and tensions move on . Throughout she does maintain some friendships and family albeit tenuously at times . The poem ' Black ' offers a step - change affirming her ' Self ' . Returning to the brief ' chapters ' of prose , where life goes on and bullying is amplified , she finds a form of relief in friendships with other adopted and non - adopted indigenous people and families but with an evermore self - destructive life style . Her writing style throughout continues as simple and matter - of - fact in telling her tale . Maybe at her lowest point in the story , halfway - ish through the book , there is a subtle change in outlook . She reports , still concisely , of feeling connections with ' the earth ' , elements of scenery around her and of a bigger emotion as the landscape expands into the wilderness she travels through . Perhaps a degree of comfort from the expanse and lifestyle . Reading this section , of her growing awareness , created a surprising feeling of empathy on that connection . From here the style of blunt and non - critical writing continues while her life improves and collapses episodically . The writer begins to describe scenery as it infiltrates into her . She is , almost unknowingly , absorbing her heritage of ageless culture and wisdom . A smooth and subtle change while her language is still beautifully simple . ( I say simple . I suppose I really mean excised of all unnecessary words . If only I could write like that ! ! ) Blame is never considered by Ali but the reader surely can . The story may read as a philosophy of : ' life happens ' but the reasons why need to be addressed , especially the ' happenings ' of now . They may have been but Social Engineering for good or ill does have serious consequences in countless forms , mostly , it seems against women and children . There , I 've gone off - track and have only the direct result of reading this book to thank . Yes , it is of a specific person but many aspects of her story are not only of the indigenous Australian but should resonate around the world in support of all who are nudged or beaten to the peripheries of society . Ultimately this is a personal story of a baby , a child growing into adulthood and surviving a system of abuse and almost self - destruction to discover herself , her blood family , heritage and her own landscape . A woman who has finally become whole . Ali Cobby Eckermann 's book deserves international recognition . Posted on April 4 , 2017 by poetryparc2 Madelie suddenly realised she must be feeling better . Or rather , on consideration , as she was singing along with the radio , happier . She could feel herself jiggling with the music as she peered into the wardrobe and ran her fingers along the shoulders of the hangers and their draped clothes . " This little piggy went to market …… " as she twisted the cream and chocolate crimplene dress for a fuller view before moving on , " This little piggy stayed at home …… . . " . As she moved on to a purple square - necked cotton shift , briefly , before alighting on the orange trouser - suit and with a " wee , wee , wee " deftly unhooked the hanger and settled the suit smoothly on the bed . A simple white - collared blouse followed though she had more difficulty over a choice of tie . Three were laid over the orange jacket in the hope that one claimed her attention most . Maybe it was the rising sunshine that had lifted her above that black line in her mind under which she had been hiding for so long . Hiding ? Yes , she had been hiding , it felt like it . But what from ? She looked down at the thin red streaks on the inside of her left arm , just below the elbow . Stared out of the window again and lowered her folded arms a little , hugged them tighter to her ribs so her breast hid the marks . The sparrows returned and busily tussled in the guttering and flew off again as each grabbed some packing for a nest . Fresh underwear stepped into , bra settled into and hooks briefly struggled with . Sitting on the edge of the bed she folded first one leg of the tights over her hand then her toes into the toe of the nylon and unwound it over her foot to knee then repeated the operation before standing and adjusting the ridged waist - seam up to her hips . Finally checking , straightening and smoothing the whole legs . On the whole , she thought , tights were more comfortable than stockings , unless you snagged a leg , got a hole , then you had to bin the lot . With stockings you stood a chance of having a spare that matched . Next was the blouse . Still smooth from being ironed though not that slightly crisp feel had it been freshly ironed . Definitely not warm like straight off the ironing board ! She bent her head to watch her fingers button the blouse from top to bottom and brush away imaginary creases . She looked down at her flame - orange legs and indecision crept in . " Too bright ? " She had been a shabby dresser for so long that this was a dramatic step too far , she feared , briefly . End over , hand over , round and under and through , eventually she got the rhythm and directions right and looked at herself in the mirror again to adjust the tie . It was one of the newest style . Narrow Italian silk and design of bright horizontal bars of colour that eventually repeated after a scattering of red , white , green , yellow , orange , blue . After a final easing the knot at her neck and removal of a defiant piece of fluff from her trousers she Retrieved the jacket from the bed and eased into and buttoned it . Looked in the mirror and undid the buttons . More satisfied this time she left the room , grabbed her bag , checked for keys then rushed out of the little flat to try to gather some lost time . " Mornin ' …… . " . No more than a word and a half - raised arm as the woman in the orange trouser . - suit walked smartly passed him . He watched the brightly coloured figure swinging away from him , her short black hair sculpted to her head . She turned the corner but he failed to recognise the side - on figure and features as she moved out of view . He thought no more about it and went back to running his eyes around the street . " Being observant " his sergeant called it . So he continued walking , enjoying the sun warming the fresh morning with his people - watching and eaves - dropping on his way to a tea - break in a local cafe . " Thanks , " he called out and looked to his seat at the window . The girl in the orange suit was at his table in the window and he hesitated to go there . She smiled at him , waved him to her and then he recognised her as Madelie , one of the irregular customers at the Jolly Puritan pub . She used to sit near him , out of the way of the more effusive drinkers and darts players but more recently perched on a bar - stool and chatted with Angel working behind the bar . " I didn 't recognise you . " He said , sitting opposite . Her coffee was delivered and " I 'll bring your tea and sarnie " said to Walter by the man before he dashed back behind the counter to the kitchen . Madelie smiled inwardly as she forgave his comment . " Not so much that . More that I decided I should try the happy , smiley person in me instead of miserable and mopey . I woke - up this morning and today I changed into a brighter me . " " You can say that again . " He said . " In the pub you match all the shadows , dressed in that orange you can be seen for miles . " Walter felt it lacked a complimentary feel so added , " You look great ! " She turned back to Walter and felt again how reassuring she found his presence with his solid form , especially in the safe police - uniform and his not unattractive face . He had let his hair get a bit longer since she had seen him , more over his ears than tightly shaved round them . Even his side - burns had been allowed to grow , she noticed . Madalie surprised herself by thinking he looked much more fun now than when he had walked her home after the night in the Jolly Puritan . " Perhaps he has decided to go for flower - power ! " She smiled briefly at this thought , echoing his out - moded imaging . Walter caught her smile and passed one back , which they both held as their eyes also smiled to each other . He broke away first , taking the serviette and wiping at the grease on his fingers . Not completely successful he shook his head sadly and took out his handkerchief to wipe a finger . He was relieved it was a clean one , if she actually noticed ! He quickly stuck it back in his pocket . " Time for me to go . I think of this as fifteen minutes community work as well as breakfast , you know . " He stood and picked his helmet off the floor and adjusted it straight and strap tucked neatly under his chin . Let 's talk in the pub next time . We can put the juke - box on and annoy them with the Stones or Bob Dylan . They 'll all ignore us then . " He nodded , " See you , then . Bye . " Did she mean a date ? As in date ? He paid for his meal , gave her a surreptitious wave as he walked passed her to the door . Outside , as he walked on she returned the wave . The two ring - doves hopped and flapped a few yards away at the policeman 's sudden appearance then settled to strutting and pecking again as he proceeded on his beat . Madelie had suggested the meeting in the pub on a bit of a whim . She often saw him at the pub , sometimes sat next to him but they rarely chatted except when it was a quiz or darts night . On the latter it was more a shout than chat to get any words over the clamour of the players . More recently she had perched herself on a chair at the bar when Angel was working . At least they could talk in the quieter moments . Angel had become such a good friend . ' Actually ' , Madelie admitted to herself , ' Angel helped me climb out of the black , lonely hole I was in . ' The day breezed along as sunnily as it had started . Working in a shop kept her busy . Meeting and greeting customers was sometimes daunting but often it was young women around her age and younger that were easiest to talk with . The best parts was when she was able to help them chose from the new dresses that blossomed round the shop . Mary Quant was on everybody 's lips and bodies , for that matter . At lunch - time several clutches of noisy girls came to rush their break in the dress - shop in preference to eating . The newest and brightest dresses hung from the current mannequins on the staging in the windows . One or two models scattered on plinths next to the rack of special design or label , their backs to the rack where the carefully crafted pinning would be undetected down the back of the dress . From the the front the nipping gave a glowing elegance to the dress despite the vacant chalk eyes and bald head . Along one of the back walls stood the older models covered in pinafore and printed cotton . Large flowers or blocks of Parisian street scenes flowing down to the shins but failing to detract from the armless and headless upper reaches of the model . The girls would come and go as individuals , the door opening and ringing the bell like an old bed - ridden aunt who is necessarily impatient for attention . Repeating as the door closed . In a small town most people grow - up together , young newcomers often getting whirled up with new friends . Leaving school and first jobs means catch - up time when they meet and where better than a dress shop full of the latest , brightest and shortest clothes ? Labels , nippy copies . Bright colours and acid designs . Boucle with its softness and crimplene galore with its myriad of colours and prints . Mary Quant held apart from Biba , or gingham versus Mondrian next to touches of Monet and Picasso . The whole shop could echo with giggles and gossip as they dared each other to the lowest V or most showy thigh . Pleated skirts that flew as they moved or denim that hugged and pleaded with outrageous zips . Sometimes one would be dared too far and she would buy and hug the bag excitedly with an " I 'll wear at the next party ! " Or " I darent show my dad nor my mum for that matter " even a " Roy won 't know what hit ' im . I will have to keep me knees tight " and many variations on the theme . Madelie 's day moves along too and the early morning lady swaps brief notes and gossip with the replacement afternoon assistant . Madelie , working a middle shift , as it were , makes them all a mug of tea , including the owner who arrives , chauffeured by her son in his new car . He calls them all outside to coo over his vermillion , open top , Austin Healey Sprite . " Best car I 've ever had , " he chirps , " mind you I nearly got the new Mini but I was too cramped driving . This one 's only a two - seater but there 's more room . " " He forgot to say his old car was a Ford Anglia ! " Said his mother . " He only got this to annoy me ; and attract the girls . " " Right on both counts . " He responded , " Can I take you home , mrs Emersby ? " and opened the door for her . She got in with a little difficulty , hoicking her skirt up higher than intended and trying to pull the hem over her knees after sitting down ; failing and resigning herself to seeing her knees within worrying closeness to the gear leaver as he curled himself back into the drivers seat . " I must say , you 've taken to brighter colours like a duck to water . " Madelie was appraised by the owner as they stood behind the small counter . " And you make a fine mug of tea . " She took a mouthful and spoke again , a tender tone replacing the jocular , " And you 're smiling a lot more . " Madelie took a slow sip from her mug and considered . She watched as a couple hesitated outside , the girl quickly studied the mannequin 's dresses in the window , pointed at one and was ushered away by the young man at her side . After a few steps she stopped , he stopped and shrugged as she pushed through the door . She moved for a closer look at the dress and he found a nearby lamppost to lean on and watch the traffic flow while he waited . " Yes , " said Madelie , I do smile more . I suppose one smile just brings on another . " She turned and looked at the older woman . " Thanks . " No need to recall the darker days of the last few months . She had turned a corner and realised that music was still playing and new friends were better than the old . She still missed the black jumper and cardigan and one day she would even dig them out . Perhaps that little Chinese lady had been right ! Even the policemen were nicer these days . She put her mug down . PC Walter Copper 's day had proceeded in a similarly innocuous way . He paced his way along his beat , stopping , chatting and observing and by lunchtime had worked his way back to the station . A quick lunch break in the canteen and then a short time filling in his day - sheet , wishing he had more than a couple of memos in his pocket - book . No actions other than a brief companionable chat with old Joe the tramp and a brief word on the time of day with several of the old chaps sitting outside on a bench sunning themselves . A smile and cheery greeting from Winnie the new WPC at the station as they passed ; he off home and she arriving for the evening shift . He cycling , she walking . A few minutes later and he was wheeling his bike to his front path and the shed at the side where it stood . He tried to shut the low gate by leaning sideways whilst holding the bicycle saddle to keep himself and bike more or less upright . Just reaching , he pushed the gate and it crashed on its post and latch before catching on its rebound . The noise of the clash scattered a ribbon of shouting sparrows out of the hedge and into the tree of the neighbour 's garden . The coverage is defined as for ' all staff working with children in settings registered on the Early Years Register and the Childcare Register ' . The focus is on real accidents and situations and looks at what went wrong to try to eliminate its causes . Their is also considerable information and advice on the regulations on safety and reporting of accidents . Basic development of babies and young children are listed . Descriptions of real accidents are given throughout the different subject areas and consequences . Each Followed by a ' Back to the team ' checklist that offers needs and actions under the headings of : Plan , Do , Check , Act . Different ' accidents ' have differing suggestions for each heading as basic examples . If these are used as initial safety checklists then additional action points could be included to cover such as details required by contractors , information / notices for staff , parents and so on . The importance of assessing and providing safe environments should be a continual part of all staff training as well as a key person . Safety is a priority but so is reflection after difficult events . The thoroughness and concern of the authors speaks volumes as they highlight each example of accident with additional known children who have suffered . They also point out that gathering full statistics was not feasible at the time as reporting level was a variable regulation in parts , e . g . Visitors . Ideal for small units and individuals as well as growing or bigger ' units ' . The age and range covers childcare , nursery , reception class but not apparently much older . The child 's abilities and reactions my change in age but the thinking behind the checklists is still relevant as they move up in Primary years . Indeed the range of ' crisis - management ' expands rapidly as children move into years five and six upwards . This book may still be a good starting point as reference for new staff with its attitude to reflective practice and use of guidelines while attendance to more medical courses will add the extra dimensions required . A short section of ' Key points ' is available as well as ' On Reflection ' which covers areas to be considered after any accident . One area that seems to consistently appear is on parental information given on such as the ' inquisitiveness ' or physical ability , allergies and so on that should be noted and known by all staff . This is where the checklists provided can give a solid start to the thinking process required to improve any failings in equipment or procedures , including training . The book covers many aspects on accidents : with equipment , scolds and burns , trapped fingers , choking , falls , infections , and others , even near - misses . This review may make it seem the book itself highlights all the dangers and is just depressing and off - putting . Well , partially , but in the real world accidents do happen no matter where children are and this book may well be the first to highlight the rules and regulations of safety and reporting of accidents in Early Years settings . I knew some of his work as a War Artist , probably the most obvious ones ! Also some he did of / at Dymchurch and maybe a couple of ' scenic ' works . For me the exhibition was brilliant in moving through the years as he worked and showing his origins as an artist and all through his developmental styles over the 30 - odd years of his career . He trained as an artist and it was pleasing to read that he encouraged his brother to paint too , who also became well known and still is . What surprised me , was some early poetry Paul wrote and later some illustrations for a collection of war poems . Most artists then and now do book illustrations and jackets but his had passed me by . I always like woodcuts and their like for the finite definition on the page . Following on into his so recognisable war paintings ( esp . We Are Making a New World , 1918 ) and it 's elements of cubism . Following works showed how in the following years he was picking up and experimenting with artistic movements from the continent . Surrealism found a long resonance with him , as in ' found ' art , dreams and now including the media of photography and collage . The last two of the exhibition highlighted his interest in the significance of the sun and moon throughout his career . Always of mystic appeal as seen in his early work similar to Blake but here on a much larger scale in oil of visionary landscapes and the pre - eminence of sun and moon . Landscapes that include a traditional activity transformed into a wheeling sunflower / come burning sun tearing down the hillside instead of the sky Another with aerial flower composition to link with his long held interest in flight . It was evident that his feelings of a ' life - force ' in inanimate objects stayed with him all his life , a belief in the genius loci ( spirit of place ) . Something that many people have an awareness of but perhaps are less willing to accept in themselves . As always I like his b & w illustrations , woodcuts and the like but they don 't have the influence of his bigger works . There was perhaps too few of these variations of his work but the need for display cabinets would have distracted from the movement around the room . However , the Tate Britain website says they have 205 of his works . I dont know how many are on display but well worth searching them out on a visit now the particular exhibition is ended . The fact that he was brought up in South Bucks and is buried in a Langley churchyard , both but a very few miles from where I was brought up is another connection I was happy to have made . What is sad is the length of time it has taken me to find out ! However there must be a million things I don 't know and have never missed knowing so I have an awful lot to look forward to ! Just had a browse around the Higgins Museum and Art Gallery where there has been a huge refit and re - design of the gallery and museum . The Edward Bawden exhibition includes items he gifted from his studio contents and the other display is of a collection of prints : ' Master of Print ' mostly of modern artists ( Picasso et al ) . It is select but of superb quality and interest . I have to wish there was a bigger display of Bawden 's work but the space is limited . The Bawden exhibition does 't finish until end of January , 2018 . Jump on a train to Bedford and spend a good hour or three there . Aim for the artworks but the museum side will also steal time from you for its room settings in period style and collections of everyday items as well as assorted art designs from around the turn of the 19th century and forwards . Not forgetting the local archaeology and town development of industry and people as you walk through .
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Holy Tempo Run Batman , they want to you to do what ? 5 miles at 15K pace did you say ? At 5 : 00 AM ? Who dreamed up this plan and just when did I agree to follow it ? I knew that following the Pfitzinger plan would probably be a little tougher than other training programs I 've used , but this morning , I really got tested . For those following along at home , this morning schedule was 10 miles w / 5 miles at 15K pace . For me , that translates to a 7 : 40 / mi pace . I know I can run much faster for 5 miles since I ran my last 10K at 7 : 23 / mi and my last 8K at 7 : 10 / mi ; but this wasn 't a race . It was just me running around by myself in the dark . I took my black lab , Cooper , out for an uneventful two mile warm up and dropped him off at the house before jogging over to the " start line " . As always , I started out way too fast , covering the first ¼ mile well under 2 minutes , but I quickly settled into a nice rhythm with the Garmin holding at 7 : 38 avg pace . Starting the 2nd mile , I had loads of confidence that the next 4 miles would go pretty much the same . However , no one bothered to talk to my lungs . My breathing became labor ( as if I were running hill repeats ) and evil Phil woke up to remind me that a nice warm bed was only a short jog away . My shoulders tensed up and my pace became erratic ; but there was no way I was going to stopAccording to the Garmin , I got to the end of the 2 mile in 7 : 45 , not too bad , but 5 seconds slower than target . But now I was on Mile 3 ; a clean slate so to speak . I got my breathing under control and relaxed my shoulders and just focused on my turn - over rate ( why does it take so much concentration to get this body to move ? ) and felt much better right up to the point where I had an altercation with a white pickup truck . I saw the truck pull up into the " bike lane " prepared to make a right hand turn well in front of me . He hesitated , started to go , and then stopped as I approached . Finally , someone was paying attention … well not exactly . As I got within 10 feet of the truck and started running aroat As I was trying to get out my front door on Sunday morning for an easy 5 mile recovery run , my 11 year - old lab / golden retriever mix insisted that he go along with the younger black lab . So I grabbed his collar and headed out the door with two 75 + lb dogs in tow . Cooper , the black lab , was very confused . He wanted to take his usual spot at my left leg , but the older dog simply pushed him aside to get the favored spot . After a few hundred meters of jostling for position , Cooper ended up running in front and the older dog ( Marcel ) running behind . Of course , Marcel didn 't realize that we were out for a run and wanted to stop to smell every interesting object on the road way . After a few good tugs on his collar , he finally got the message and fell into a steady rhythm . This lasted until we passed the 1 mile mark . After a mile , Marcel started slowing down and by 1 . 5 miles I knew I needed to take him home . His breathing was becoming labored and he had extended the leash as far as it would go behind me . Cooper was enjoying the change since it allowed him move back and run directly to my left . I must have been quite a sight running with these two dogs . One happy as can be with his tail wagging ; the other at the end of his leash with my left arm extend straight back trying to encourage him to keep moving for a few more metrs . After I dropped Marcel off at the house , Cooper and I went back out to finish up the rest of the run . The last 3 miles went very smooth indeed . Today ( Monday ) is a rest day and tomorrow starts week 7 of the Pfitzinger 18 week / 55 miles per week plan . That should be fun . I hope your week goes great . Training for the week : Mon - Rest DayTue - 8 . 0 Miles , easy w / 8x100m strides , 8 : 54 / mi avg paceWed - 5 . 0 Miles , recovery , 9 : 00 / mi avg paceThr - 8 . 0 miles , easy , 8 : 39 / mi avg paceFri - 5 . 0miles , recovery , 8 : 58 / mi avg paceSat - 20 . 2 miles , long , 9 : 17 / mi avg paceSun - 5 . 2 miles , recovery , 9 : 05 / mi avg paceTotal mileage for the week : 51 . 7 After several failed attempts over the past several weeks , I finally got in a good 20 miler this morning . I needed to get my youngest daughter down to the Phoenix - Tucson shuttle by 9 : 15 , so I didn 't have time to drive over too Reach 11 Park and do it as a trail run . Instead I chose a simple 5 mile loop on major surface streets in North Phoenix . To make sure I stayed hydrated , I stole an idea from Thomas and line up 3 16 oz bottles of Gatorade behind an Irrigation Valve Box along the route . This approach let me drop off an empty bottle and pick up a new one every 5 miles . I got out on the road at 4 : 40 AM and there certainly wasn 't much traffic at that time of the morning . I spent the first 2 miles warming up in the cool morning air and then settled in to a nice comfortable pace . Although I had my Garmin turned on , I wore it on my right wrist and wore a simple digital sports watch on the left . I did this to make sure that I didn 't start fretting about pace instead of focusing on making it around the 5 mile loop four times . The Garmin was just along for the ride . The first 5 miles went by about as expected . I wasn 't pushing things real hard and averaged 9 : 12 / mi through the first lap . At the end of the 1st lap , I picked up a 16 oz bottle on the fly and keep moving down the road . Although I had expected to finish one bottle on the 2nd , 3rd and 4th laps , it didn 't work out that way . Trying to run and drink in the dark is a trick I haven 't mastered . By the time I had 8 miles under my feet , I had only finish 1 / 3 of the bottle and as I was getting to the 10 mile mark at the end of the 2nd lap , I still had 8 oz of fluid in the bottle . . so I just hung onto the same bottle for the 3rd lap . After completing the second lap , I was very conscious of being out into my trouble zone . Last week I bonk around 10 miles and argued with evil Phil a few minutes before continuing on , but I was determined to not to repeat the same argument this morning . With only a digital watch I was aware that was running sub 9 : 30 miles , but dat I learned yet another life lesson this morning : you 've got to stay hydrated , even when the temperature is well under 80F . I about fell off my scale this morning after I got out of bed ; the thing read 169 . I was 172 yesterday and found it hard to believe that I 'd lost 3 lbs of body fat in 24 hours . What I 'd lost , of course , was 48 oz of water . I 'm usually a good boy when I 'm in my North Phoenix office . I keep a 1 . 5L bottle of water on my desk and drink from it throughout the day , but I spent Wednesday and Thursday sitting in a conference room in our Tempe facility slurping down a few cups of luke - warm decaf coffee . Evidently that wasn 't enough fluid . Today 's run was a 5 miler at an easy recovery pace . My heart quickly increased to 135 on the 1st mile and continued to climb through miles 2 and 3 , even though my pace was just around 9 : 00 / mi . My HR increased to 145 by the time I finished up mile 4 , at which time I just said " screw it " . I still had a short hill to climb and there was no sense slowing down any further . I think my HR peaked out at 155 by the time I got to the top of the hill . My pace was certainly a recovery run , by my HR was approaching a tempo run . Yesterday I ran and nice steady 5 miles at 8 : 20 / mi and kept my HR around 145 . This morning I ran the same 5 miles at 9 : 00 / mi with my HR pushing 150 . Amazing what 3 lbs of water will buy you . Have a great weekend . Mon - Rest DayTue - 8 Miles , easy w / 8x100m strides , 8 : 54 / mi avg paceWed - 5 Miles , recovery , 9 : 00 / mi avg paceThr - 8 miles , easy , 8 : 39 / mi avg paceFri - 5 miles , recovery , 8 : 58 / mi avg pace For the first time since spring , the air actually felt cool this morning . The wind was blowing hard at 5 : 00 AM and there must have been plenty of moisture in the air , because the air temperature felt a lot cooler than 63F ( 17C ) . Of course , after living in Arizona for 26 years , I get cold very easy . Even though I wondered if shorts and a short sleeve top were the wisest choice , after 2 miles I started to enjoy the cool weather . Today was an easy aerobic 8 so I strapped on my HR monitor and hit the road before 5 AM . I didn 't wear my Garmin . First , I just don 't like to wear all this electronic equipment when I run , and second , I always get myself in trouble trying to chase HR and Pace at the same time . General aerobic runs go a whole lot better if I just wear a HR and run at a comfortable pace . The HR monitor makes sure that I don 't get too exuberant and I can 't fret about the pace . Not wanting to push my frigid legs ( yes , I 'm a wimp ) too hard at the beginning , the first two miles dragged by . After two miles , my HR was still below 135 so , I picked up the pace , trying to glide over the road and be soft on my feet ( this must have looked real funny ) . I past the 3 mile mark at 27 : 33 ; a 9 : 11 / mi average for the first 3 miles ; however , I felt as if I was motoring around a whole lot faster than 9 : 11 . My HR was up to 135 , but the legs still felt fresh and breathing was solid . So I continued on with the same intensity ; only 5 miles to go . I passed the 5 miles mark at 44 : xx ( couldn 't read the seconds on my watch ) ; I knew I was running somewhere under 9 : 00 / mi . My HR was up to 139 , still OK , so I had no need to slow down for the last 3 miles . I don 't have good mile marks for the last 3 miles on this course so I 'd have to wait until the end to figure out my actual average pace . I knew I was doing OK and my HR was still under 80 % HRmax , within my aerobic range . So I just kept running at the same pace ; although I suspect I was actually speeding up . The course I was using this morning is has far fewer cars than other eaat Not much to report this morning . I 'm starting the 6th week on Pfitzinger 18 week plan and finally feel as if I 'm fully recovered from my Grand Canyon hike . Ran a simple 8 miler with 8x100m striders this morning . Everything felt fine and I didn 't run into any crazy SUVs . Have a great week . Training for the week : Mon - Rest DayTue - 8 Miles , easy w / 8x100m strides , 9 : 02 / mi avg pace My running partner evidently grew tired of reading up on Pfitzinger 's Training plan for this week and decided to take a little nap . He left the book ( Advanced Marathoning ) closed under the yellow pad and I can 't read his notes . Now I 've got to figure out what we are doing in the morning all by myself . It certainly has been an interesting weekend . My daughter 's soccer team lost their first soccer game of the season ; they are now 13 - 1 - 1 , I failed to get in a 17 mile long run and I nearly got run over ( again ) . All of this got me thinking about life 's little lessons ; some of which your mom taught you . 1 ) Don 't count the chickens before they hatch : After going undefeated this season including winning a tournament in California , beating the # 2 team in Arizona to win a 2nd tournament and beating the # 1 team from Nevada to kick off the tournament this weekend , my daughter 's team faced a team from Tucson this morning that they 've never lost to . Once they beat these guys they would move on to the championship game and face the current # 1 team in Arizona . The trouble is , no one bother to tell the other team that they weren 't suppose to win . We played a lack - luster game , our friends from Tucson played an inspired game , we lost 1 - 0 and got to take the afternoon off . Our girls were stunned that they actually lost a game . I know this will be good for them in the long run . You need to take every team seriously and keep scoring until the final whistle blows . 2 ) Donating Blood does not improve your long run performance : I gave blood again on Thursday after my 10 miler . Nothing wrong with that . I 'm O negative and feel it is my duty to donate a 4 or 5 pints a year for the greater good ; however , this is the second time I 've given blood since I increased my monthly mileage and I think that I 've conclusively demonstrated that there is inverse relationship between giving up whole blood an running well . My Running Log entry for an 8 Miler I ran the day after donating blood in August read , " Legs very heavy , felt as if I was in 1st gear for the entire run . Waves of pain in my left foot . Big toe inflamed and arch started hurting on mile 4 . Right foot also started falling asleep on mile 4 . Right calf felt very tight through mile 3 . Not a good morning . " My attempt to run a 17 miler on Saturday afternoon wasn 't much better . at I took yesterday off as another rest day and got an extra hour of sleep . It helped considerably . Although my back was still stiff this morning when I got up for my 10 mile run , I could at least could stand up fairly straight without pain . The temperatures are finally down to the low 60sF which makes for real nice running weather . Since my running has generally sucked since my Canyon trip , I started off this morning very slow and easy , spending the first two miles warming up before taking my HR up to 135 . My back loosened up after a mile and running with a running in the general aerobic range was effortless with an average pace at 9 : 02 … a good sign . For miles 7 , 8 and 9 , I pushed my HR up to 150 + and tried to run closer to MP . These three miles were all over the map ( 8 : 26 , 8 : 16 , 8 : 39 ) , but at least they were sub 9 : 00 and much better than the " tempo " run on Tuesday . I backed my HR back down under 140 for the final 1 . 3 and cruised back into my neighborhood . Enjoy the rest of your week . Training so far : Mon - Rest DayTue - 9 miles , Tempo w / 4 miles @ 8 : 58 / mi avgWed - Rest DayThr - 10 . 3 miles , Easy , 8 : 49 / mi avg pace Today 's run was a 9 miler with 4 miles at ½ marathon pace . Yeah , right . My back is still hurting from this weekend ( although I can almost stand up straight ) and my legs are nearly dead from my sprint up the North Rim last Friday . The first 3 miles were an exercise in futility as I tried to get my back to loosen up . I completed the first mile in a blazing10 : 34 and eventually worked my way down to 9 : 49 on the 3rd mile as my back did finally loosen up and I no longer looked as if I was shuffling to buffet at the adult day - care center . Eventually the Garmin beep at 3 miles indicating that the warm - up was over and off I went on my tempo run . Two weeks ago I ran 4 miles under 7 : 40 . This morning , the first tempo mile " zipped " by in 9 : 07 . Yep … I sped up to my easy 10 mile pace for my tempo run . I wasn 't wearing my HR monitor , so I have no idea how hard I was working . It really didn 't matter . I wasn 't going to go any faster . The next three miles were marginally better : 8 : 59 , 8 : 58 , and 8 : 45 ; but still no where near 7 : 40 . Tomorrow is , as they say , a new day . Seeing how it is already mid - night , I 'll get to run a 5 mile recovery run on 4 ½ hours sleep . Should be fun . ( boy , do I ever complain when I 'm not feeling well ! ) Hope your week is going better . Training for the week : Mon - Rest DayTue - 9 miles , Tempo w / 4 miles @ 8 : 58 / mi avg This Friday I walked across the Grand Canyon from the South Rim to the North Rim with a fun group of 10 people . We left the trail Kaibab Trail head on the South Rim at 5 : 50 AM ( in the dark ) and started popping out on the North Rim just before 2 : 00 PM . Somehow , I managed to get out first , completing the 20 . 9 mile crossing in 8 : 08 : 20 . For those unfamiliar with a typical Canyon crossing . . . here are the basicsSouth Kaibab Trail Head - 0 . 0 Miles ; 7 , 200 ' ElevationColorado River - 6 . 4 Miles , 2 , 400 ' ElevationPhantom Ranch - 6 . 9 Miles , 2 , 450 ' ElevationCotton Wood Camp Ground - 14 . 0 Miles , 4 , 000 ' ElevationNorth Kaibab Trail Head - 20 . 9 Miles , 8 , 241 ' ElevationThe trip is divided into three distinct parts : 1 ) A pleasant 6 . 9 mile walk through the cool morning air from the top of the South Rim to the Colorado River followed by a short hike along Bright Angel Creek to Phantom Ranch . 2 ) An absolutely beautiful 7 . 1 mile walk along Bright Angel Creek from Phantom Ranch to Cottonwood Camp Ground . 3 ) A strenuous 6 . 9 mile hike up the North Rim ; climbing 4 , 241 ' up to the North Kaibab Trail Head . Since I took a boat load of pictures and I know that 's what you really want to see , I 've set this post up as a travel log . I hope you enjoy it . One of my friends follows me down the South Kaibab trail in the dark . Temperatures at the top at 5 : 50 in the morning where in the high 30s . Just a perfect morning for a hike . Dawn was spectacular on Friday morning . I 've been in the canyon many times at dawn and every day is different . This morning was crystal clear . The canyon walls exploded with color as the sun slowly came over the horizon . A few minutes later as the sun continue to climbI am still fresh at first lightSerious down hill ! This is a particular fun part of the South Kaibab trail . It is real bitch when you are coming up it , especially in the afternoon with the sun beating on you ; but in the early morning light , it was a joy to walk down these switch - backs . Hamming it up for the camera on the way down . You 'll notice that I have none of these shots onat Woke up this morning with a little tightness in my right hamstring , so I decide to hold off on my 10 Miler today and get back in the swing of things next week . I 'm off to the Grand Canyon this afternoon for a hike on Friday ( South Rim to North Rim ) . It should be nice and cold at the top ( around 30F ) and pleasent at the bottom . I 'll be back late Saturday night and will catch up with your blogs on Sunday . Not a good day in the neighborhood . I got 1 . 7 miles into an easy recovery run , keeping my HR under 120 like a good boy , when my right hamstring tightened up . The problem isn 't actually in the hamstring , but rather in the muscle just above the knee towards the inside of the right leg . The same muscle tightened up last week , but responded well when I shortened my stride and didn 't repeat the next day . This morning , it not only tightened up early in the run , but the level of discomfort increased into the painful region . I pulled up and walked home . 15 minutes of icing took care of the pain problem , but I missed out on most of my morning run . Wife update : On a happier note , my wife is feeling much better as her toe starts to heal . She can 't stand for long periods of time and her orthopedic doctor doesn 't want her exercising on the foot for an another week , but at least she isn 't in constant pain any longer . Thanks again for all your kind comments . This week 's Training : Mon - Rest DayTue - 8 . 1 miles , easy w / 10x100m strides , 8 : 58 / mi Wed - 1 . 7 miles , recovery , 9 : 55 / mi Thanks to Mike ( Arizona ) , Mike ( New Brunswick ) and Thomas ( there is but one ) for providing an abundance of sage advice concerning my less than stellar " long " run over the weekend . They all drove home that I really need to follow the program and not try to invent my own definitions . Of course , they were right . Instead of running my recovery runs during the previous week at a recovery pace , I got cute and ran them much too hard . Not wanting to repeat my mistake ( at least not wanting to repeat my mistake this morning ) I made sure that I actually ran the workout prescribed by Pfitzinger instead of Phil 's wacky marathon training program . This morning 's work out was an 8 miler at a general aerobic pace with 10x100m strides thrown in to break up the monotony . To ensure that I actually ran this run at a pace within my general aerobic range ( 70 - 85 % HRmax ) , I strapped on the dreaded HR monitor and hit the road at 5 : 00 AM . After a SLOW two mile warm up ( HR = 120 ) , I picked up the pace to something just south of 9 : 00 / mi . My HR increased to 125 immediately . I ran 2 strides per mile for the next 5 miles , but my HR never recovered back to125 after the first 100m stride . It bounced up to 141 on the stride and then settled back down to the 131 to 135 range over the next ¼ mile . My average HR for the entire run computed out to 133 . I think I demonstrated that I can actually follow directions … at least I can for one day . Have a great week . This week 's Training : Mon - Rest DayTue - 8 . 1 miles , easy w / 10x100m strides , 8 : 58 / mi Thank you all for the kind thoughts concerning my wife . She had a rough time last night , but is doing much better today . I was scheduled to go up to Seattle on Monday morning , but I think it 's best that I stay home as long as she taking Oxycodone . We have an appointment with her orthopedic doctor to have a look at the broken toe . I think things will settle down over the next several days . Yesterday I made a cardinal running error . I fully realize that I counsel everyone to warm up slowing before running hard . Well , I guess I figured that applied to everyone but me . The Pfitzinger plan has a number of short 4 mile recovery runs interspersed between the harder workouts . It 's been a long while since I ran only 4 miles in a single workout , so I decided to have some fun with them . Yesterday I put on my HR monitor and decided to run the 4 miles at 150 BPM . The first three miles sailed by at 8 : 21 , 8 : 04 and 8 : 07 . Right as I started mile 4 , it felt as if the tendons on the back side of my knee tightened up . I shortened up my stride and immediately started fretting about the problem . The problem was actually the lower part of my right hamstring . I hadn 't warm up and paid the price . After spending Saturday icing the hamstring off and on during the day , it was in much better shape by Sunday morning . The Pfitzinger plan had a 14 miler on the schedule for this morning . I usually try to start my long runs before 6 AM , but got a very late start today . When I finally got out of the house , the temperature was nearly 80 and increasing quickly . I picked the course with the most hills for this run and got a great run in over the first 8 miles : 8 : 56 , 8 : 54 , 9 : 04 , 8 : 57 , 8 : 57 , 8 : 48 , 8 : 56 , and 9 : 09 . My HR stuck at 145 through most of this run , only increasing slightly during the up hill portions . I took a quick stop at the end of 8 to get a long drink from my thermos and headed out for the next loop , but it wasn 't the same . I struggled through 9 , 10 , 11 and 12 in 9 : 20 , 9 : 01 , 9 : 20 and 9 : 14 and then headed back up the hill on mile 13 at Thunderstorms rolled across the Valley this morning . Of course your macho - idiot author was , of course , fearless . I can easily see 20 miles to west from the balcony on the side of the house and the storms ( and associated lightning ) were at least 15 miles off in the distance . I laced on my brand - new ASICS Gel Landreths ( bought them yesterday ) , got the dog and headed out on an easy 4 miler . I had considered wearing an older pair of shoes , but the storm was so far away , what could happen ? I reached the first bad - omen not 20 ' into the run when I passed a squished cat lying a few feet outside of the bike lane . Nothing like the sight of road - kill first thing in the morning . The second was a bright bolt of lightning directly south of me , perhaps two miles off . I don 't know how I had missed this cell during my brief survey of the weather systems over Phoenix only minutes easry . But there ws still no rain … so why worry . Since I was only running 4 miles , I picked up the pace to " out run " the storm . This strategy worked through the first mile , but the rain drops started somewhere along mile 2 and within a few feet , the water was pouring down on me and the dog . This storm was a actually series of large cells meandering around spitting out lighting and rain . Each cell has an abrupt edge ( I call them curtains ) . On one side of the curtain , everything is dry , 10 - 15 feet into the storm cell water is pouring down as if let loose from a faucet . So although I was getting soaked on mile 2 , I wasn 't suprised when I ran through the edge of the rain curtain at the start of mile 3 and was back on dry pavement . I picked up the pace again to sub 8 : 10 ( what the heck . . only 2 miles to go ) and my HR jumped from a respectable 143 to something closer to 155 . With the lightning flashing all around I was anxious to get home as soon as possible . I finished up Mile 3 at 8 : 14 and was on the home stretch . Unfortunately , I was also back in the rain , only now the wind was blowing pretty hard , magnifying the effects of the water . I finished up the at You just have to love an easy 10 miler in the middle of the week . The morning temperatures are still relatively high for October , 81F ( 27C ) , so I set out this morning with no particular pace in mind ; just as long as I was putting one foot in front of the other , I was happy . After the first 7 miles , I took a detour to extend the run and ran along the very first course I used when I first started running several years ago . It was strange to think back on the days when I could barely run 2 or 3 miles along this road and here I was this moring , taking a little detour to stretch out a 10 miler . Great morning . I hope yours went as well . Training for the week : Mon - Rest DayTue - 8 Miles , w / 4 miles at LT , 7 : 34 / mi avg paceWed - Rest Day ( over slept ) Thr - 10 . 8 Miles , easy , 9 : 09 / mi avg pace Week 3 of the Pfitzinger marathon training program kicked off today with a 4 mile tempo run at LT pace . After running a decent 8K on Sunday , I had serious doubts about cranking out an 8 miler with 4 miles in the 7 : 30 - 7 : 49 range . Although cooler than the scorching highs of July , summer keeps trying to hang on , leaving the low temperature this morning just south of 80F ( 27C ) ; not exactly perfect tempo running weather . I ran my 2 mile warm up very slow , fretting about what would happen once I needed to start running the tempo . However , my concerns were over blown . I blew through the 4 mile tempo in 7 : 34 , 7 : 40 , 7 : 34 and 7 : 26 . I had trouble getting the pace right on the first mile , taking off way too fast ; running closer to my 10K pace than to my ½ marathon pace . I got situation under control and slowed down . As a result the front end of mile 2 was a little slower than I wanted . I picked up the pace again on mile 3 and kept the pace cranked up on mile 4 . Boy , you can cover a lot of miles at this pace ! It 's always fun to see how you speedy folks run on your easy training runs . This is FUN ! Please go over and check out Mike from New Brunswick 's blog . Mike ran a PR of 3 : 14 in the Wine Glass Marathon . He 's worked very hard to get to 3 : 14 and is now my official hero , demonstrating that one need not slow down in their 50s . It 's great to have someone my age , my height and my weight excelling at this distance . His tremendous achievement not only gives me something to chase , but also wipes out any possibility of using the usual excuses for not improving . Have a great week runningTraining for the week : Mon - Rest DayTue - 8 Miles , w / 4 miles at LT , 7 : 34 / mi avg pace I 've never run an 8K before and couldn 't have had a better introduction to the distance than I experienced this morning in Tucson . It was a beautiful sunny morning in Tucson with race time temperatures in the mid 60s . The race was run through the campus of the University of Arizona , with only a minimum amount of running on the surface streets surrounding the campus . I certainly wouldn 't call the course hilly , but it wasn 't flat either . According to my Garmin , we went up and down 60 ' several times during the race . Since I 'd never raced this distance before , any finish time would automatically be a PR . Therefore , my strategy for this race was simple . I didn 't get all stressed out about pushing myself to the limits ; instead , I decided to treat the race as a 5 mile tempo run . With any luck , I might be able to run a 7 : 15 average pace . This strategy turned out to be more difficult than I imagined . I lined up 15 feet from the start line amongst a field of 600 people . This put 50 or so people in front of me , which seemed about right . WRONG … what I hadn 't considered was the fact that this race was on the UofA campus , which meant there were beaucoup quantities of 19 to 25 year - old runners in the field . When the gun went off , I quickly accelerated to something south of 7 : 00 / mi and proceeded to get past by what seemed to be half the population of Tucson . After the first ½ mile , the other 7 : 00 + milers caught up with me as I slowed my pace down to something more reasonable . By the 2nd mile , I had found someone to run with . He seemed rather young ( turned out to be 19 ) , but he was about my height and running somewhere close to my 7 : 15 / mi target . We chatted a bit along the 2nd mile and onto to the third . He evidently got tired of talking with me , picked up his pace and pulled steadily away from me . Right after the 3 mile marker , the course headed into one of the pedestrian tunnels under Speedway ( yes there is a street in Tucson named Speedway ) and headed into the most northern reaches of the campus . After coming at
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A few days ago Jesse McCartney released a new EP " In Technicolor ( Part 1 ) " It 's been a while since he has put out anything , so I am pretty much over the moon about the fact that he has this new EP out . For real you don 't even understand a few years ago ( 2010 I think ) he was supposed to release a full album " Have It All " but it got leaked and I 'm pretty sure his label at the time decided not to release it anymore . ( Lame . ) It 's on YouTube , we 've already heard it , it 's good . . . I don 't understand why they won 't just put it on iTunes and in stores . I want it so bad . Anyway if you know me at all , you probably know that I am pretty much obsessed with Jesse McCartney ; I have been ever since I found out about him when I was 13 . When I say obsessed I am not even kidding . For years he was all I would ever listen to or talk about . Honestly drove my friends and family crazy I 'm sure . 2005 he played the Wal - Mart Shareholders meeting which is held in Fayetteville , AR every year ( at that time you had to be a Wal - Mart or Sam 's Club employee to get in . ) Which you already know about if you have read this post . Pretty sure it 's open to the general public now . I found a way to sneak in . Good times . I met Jimmy Buffett while I was there . Nice guy . Shakira was there too , got to see her sound check . She is very good live I was surprised . Thought she was gonna be auto tuned like Britney Spears , since she does all that hip shaking and whatnot . Back to the EP . . . I get very easily sidetracked . I love it , to me some of the songs have a Michael Jackson feel to them . I like Michael Jackson . " In Technicolor ( Part 1 ) " is on iTunes now . I am about to go buy it in a few minutes ( Thanks to the iTunes cards I got from my Aunt and Uncle for Christmas . ) Yay ! December 3rd SafetySuit released a new single " On Your Side " I was totally looking forward to this , cause most of you probably know already I love SafetySuit , been there for them since pretty much the beginning . Back in the day ( 2009 - ish ) I was sorta addicted to Twitter and it was their fault . . . if you go to my account I have almost 12 , 000 tweets . Most of those tweets were about them or promoting in some way . Used to love Twitter because each member had their own personal account and it was easy to talk to them whenever you felt like . They 've since deleted those personal accounts and now only share one as a band . Which is honestly slightly my fault . . . I 'm sure , but let 's not get into that . . . I don 't wanna talk about it . Anyway . . . . I don 't know how to feel about this new single . Honestly I don 't think I like it . Kinda hurts me to say that , since I 've always been one of their biggest fans . I don 't like to lie though , so I 'm not gonna sit here and talk something up if it 's not really the way I feel . It pretty much sucks in my opinion . Give it a listen , see what you think : I feel like it 's a little over done and they tried too hard . I 'm not into techno / electronica type stuff . I miss the old SafetySuit , you know circa 2008 ; How they sounded on the " Life Left To Go " album . Simple and sweet . Now it 's like their trying to be Skrillex or something . This doesn 't mean I don 't like them anymore . . . still gonna buy the album when it releases and see them if they ever come to Little Rock again . . . ( It 's been too long , just sayin ' . I kinda miss them . ) For the first time ever I wasn 't able to spend Thanksgiving with my family , but I spent it with some friends and their family . I missed my family , but I 'm glad I had somewhere to go . I had a lot of fun . It was nice seeing how other families spend the holiday and I got to meet a lot of new , awesome people . The food was really good . . . like , really really good ! Spent Thanksgiving Eve with The Revolutioners , they played at Stickyz in Little Rock . It was awesome , they were the headliners , love when they get to headline those shows are always the best . Hadn 't got to see them headline since about the end of June , I think . Great way to start the holidays ! The one Phil turned out a little blurry , but I still like it . . . makes it seem ' artsy . ' Great show , they played a lot of new stuff . They are supposed to be releasing a new album soon . Hopefully in the beginning of 2014 . From what I 've heard during the live shows , the new album sounds like it 's going to be amazing ( obviously it will be , cause I mean come on , let 's be real . . . everything they 've ever released has been awesone . I don 't think it 's possible for them to make bad music . I regret not taking my dSLR , I meant to , because Stickyz has a low stage and great lighting ; pictures always turn out really well for me there ; but I got distracted and forgot to charge it . . . my bad ! Next time they play there I 'll bring for sure . Actually I haven 't even used my camera since September when I saw David Cook . Photographer of the year over here haha ! I gotta stop being so lazy , that gets you nowhere in life . Since eventually at some point I want to be able to make money off being a photographer . Guess you kinda need to actually use your camera to make that happen huh ? ; ) I just hate carrying it around , then you gotta keep up with it and whatnot . Most venues these days * * coughJuanita ' scough * * think they need to have the tallest stage in the history of the world . . . which is not good for people like me in wheelchairs . Gotta practically break your neck to see anything . The stage is almost over my head . I miss the good ' ole days at the original Juanita 's , where the stage was right at my knees . If the ' new ' Juanita 's had the old stage it would be perfect , I prefer the atmosphere of the new one over the original . I never really get the chance to get good shots of Lance ( or any other drummer for that matter ) at Juanita 's , which is the main reason I wanted to have my camera with me at Stickyz . I always feel like I 'm leaving him ( and other drummers ) out , which makes me feel bad . . . because they are just as important as the other members , who I can easily photograph , seeing as they are in the front . I feel like I have written this before , if I have and you have already heard . . . errr read about my hatred for tall stages , Juanita 's specifically . . . then I apologize . I have a bad memory . Deal with it . So , I found a place to live . Yay for not having to become a hobo ! It 's a cute little studio apartment . I 'm really excited about it . It 's gonna be fun getting to decorate my own place and what not . Moving in on November 1st . If I 'm not around for a while , now you know why . Meant to post that first little paragraph ( and the rest of this post ) in October , oops ! Been busy moving and things are finally starting to calm down . October 19th The Revolutioners played the Arkansas State Fair . . . Twice in one day . Once at 4 and then again at 7 , opening for freakin ' Everclear . Happy for them , and so proud of them . They did amazing . Seriously , I 've been to practically every show they 've ever played , and the one they put on while opening for Everclear was the best I 've seen them perform yet . The next night The Revolutioners played at Juanita 's . It was awesome . . . I love the times when I get see them so often . On October 25th I went to a local Mexican resturant where Phil DJ 's and runs karaoke ( that 's always fun . . . he does it pretty much every week . ) After karaoke we went to see 10 Years play . I had no idea they were even in town until he mentioned it that night , I never miss 10 Years when they come here . It was really fun . I love days like that when awesome things happen that you never expected . I really like living on my own . It 's nice to have something that is completely mine . Almost 24 and finally get to feel like a real grown up . To be honest I didn 't really like my last living situation . . . let 's just say there are some people you can only handle hanging out with on certain occasions and you shouldn 't live with them full time . Things are much better now . . . Guess you could say everything is wonderful now : ) haha . . . see what I did there ? If not , and you are lost . . . let me help you out . Feel like I have been neglecting this blog , my Facebook photography page , and my Flickr lately . You see I have to move in November and haven 't exactly found a new place yet , so I 've been more focused on that , than on my internet life . Just wanted to pop in to let you guys know I 'm not dead . . . ha ! In other news I am totally addicted to Fall Out Boy 's latest album " Save Rock and Roll " as well as Panic ! At The Disco 's newest record " Too Weird to Live , Too Rare To Die ! " Like , seriously listening to them nonstop . . . it might be becoming a problem ; but I 'm totally cool with that . If for some reason you haven 't listened to these albums yet , fix this now . . . you 're welcome ! X I 'm really excited about moving , I 'm gonna be living on my own for the first time in my life . It 's gonna be good . I don 't really like having roomates , always worried that I am bothering them somehow , or that my music is up too loud and on their nerves . Or they are very picky about things and have to have everything a certain way . Living on my own I won 't have to worry about all of these things , cause I 'll get to make the rules and do what I want , whenever I want . Daughtry 's new single is really awesome ; I can 't stop listening to it . I 'm pretty sure that it is my favorite song they have ever released . It 's called " Waiting For Superman " It has been out for a week or two , so a lot of you probably have already heard it . I haven 't posted in a while and was meaning to post about it when it first came out but never got the chance . ( Official Music Video ) : To be honest though , ' the show is not about Fuel for me . It 's about The Revolutioners . I already know all of their songs . If you don 't , go to iTunes now and download their self - titled EP . . . they also have a single available called " Skinny Little Bones " You should get all of their songs ; you won 't regret it . Promise . You 're welcome ! On Saturday September 7th I 'm going to go see The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus , haven 't seen them since May 2012 . I 'm excited ! A local band called Kingsdown is gonna be playing with them . I 've never seen them play , but I really like their music , so I think it 's gonna be a good show . " Electric Ladyland " by Kingsdown ( Official Music Video ) : You guys , Ryan Star has a new EP " Animals " coming out on August 5th , I am so excited ! If you people pay any attention to me at all , you know how much I love that man , one of my favorite people ever . . . like , seriously ! I mean he even made it into my blog header ; that 's gotta tell you something right ? On this day my plan was to do shot involving cigarette smoke , but that failed seeing as I lost my camera remote a few months ago . Turns out it is really hard to smoke a cigarette , hold a heavy dSLR and lens , and keep the camera in focus all at the same time . I ended up just doing a self portrait . I really need to buy a new remote soon . I ordered business cards a few days ago from Vistaprint . That is something I have needed to do for a really long time . They came in the mail today . I 'm really happy with the way they turned out . I realize my last post was a bit depressing ; sorry about that . It 's hard for me to talk about my feelings , so writing has always been the way I 've been able to let them out and let them go . I 've decided to start taking Lauren Mikael Photography more seriously and turn it into a real business . I even ordered business cards the other day , which is something I should have done a long time ago . I am always at shows and people will come up and ask me about my photos ( where they can see them ect . . . ) and I always tell them to find me on Facebook . It is going to so much easier to hand them a card with all my information on it instead . As of yesterday 365 for 2013 is back on . Taking a photo everyday makes me a better photographer and it also gives me something to look foward to each day . - Cerebral Palsy : I have the mildest version of it , the Spastic version . Basically if something loud happens after a period of silence , I sort of jump a little ( or a lot , depending on how loud , or my stress and anxiety level at the time ) Which seems to make people laugh a lot of the time . . . but I don 't find it funny ; it 's embarrassing . Besides the jumpiness and the fact that I can 't walk , I am basically normal . . . no need for you to treat me any different than you would any other 23 year old . Tons of people don 't understand that and treat me like a baby . They talk to me the way many people do to a small toddler and / or puppy . I remember about two years ago my sister and I were out eating somewhere and as we were leaving a lady that worked in a building beside the place we had eaten at saw me through her office window and came out to the parking lot to talk to me . She used the " puppy dog voice " and kept treating me like a little child . . . she even handed me a coloring book . This made me really mad , but I would rather let her think she is making me happy than possibly upset her by going off on her and setting her straight . Now that I think about it though , I should have said " Crazy bitch , I don 't need your dumb ass coloring book , but thanks ' cause my two year old niece will love it ! " I didn 't . Instead I just smiled and said thank you . . . . while in my head I 'm sure I was envisioning punching her in the face . Mind you , I was wearing makeup at the time ( bright red lipstick and thick black eyeliner ) now , I know that with shows like Toddlers in Tiaras on TV , people might be starting to believe that makeup on small children is a little more acceptable these days . . . but back in my childhood , it wasn 't . We felt lucky and excited if our parents let us go out with a dab of clear lip gloss on . - Social Anxiety : I have to depend on other people to take me places , I don 't get out of the house as often as a " normal " person , which leads to social anxiety . . . since I am used to being alone and not around other humans . I don 't even like calling people on the phone ( excluding close family ) even if I know the person pretty well I still get really nervous . If I need to make an appointment or something , I try my hardest to find someone else to make the call for me . If I have to do it myself I always end up having a panic attack . If someone calls me , I 'm completely fine . I guess because I feel like they actually want to talk to me , otherwise they wouldn 't have called . Whereas if I am the one doing the calling I feel like I am bothering the person . So basically if you want to talk to me , don 't sit around waiting for me to call you . . . . it 's not gonna happen ; you are gonna have to call me . Weird , I know . - Socially Awkward : Like I said above ; I am not around other people often , so when I actually do have the chance to be it freaks me out and I don 't know how to deal with it well . I am the girl alone in the crowd most of the time . If I do talk to people I usually end up saying something that I shouldn 't have - Trichotillomania : Started out that I only pulled out my eyelashes , and slowly added in eyebrows and any other random hair I could find . As far as hair on my head . . . when my hair was long I would twirl it around my fingers and pull out the loose strands , I would leave the pieces that were still fully attached alone . When I had a pixie hair cut . . . there wasn 't enough hair to twirl , so for the most part I left it alone . Now my hair is a little bit passed my chin . So obviously long enough to twirl . Seeing as I have been upset a lot lately , I 've been twirling it and even puling at it . . . even without there being any loose pieces , this really upsets me , because I 've had Trich since I was 10 ( so , for 13 years ) and I have always been really happy and proud of myself that I never pulled hair from my head . I love my hair . I love changing the length , color and style . . . and well , if I don 't have any hair on my head I can 't change any those those things up ; Next week I am getting it cut into a pixie again , I think the reason I started actually pulling it out was because for almost a year it was never long enough to be in my face , and now it is and I am not used to that anymore , having the hair there annoys me so I have the urge to rip it out . I 'm a Loner : I have days where I just don 't feel like being around people . Yeah there are other people that do that . Probably not to the extreme that I do though . To the point where I close myself in my room and don 't come out or talk to anyone ; sometimes this can go on for days . Not to worry though , I have a mini fridge / freezer , coffeemaker , toaster and microwave in my room . It 's not like I am starving myself or anything . It 's basically like a one room apartment up in here . This happens when I am mad or depressed , but mainly if have been pulling a lot . I don 't want to be around people after this happens , that way they aren 't all " Oh my God , what is wrong with your eyebrows / lashes ? " I totally understand that people wonder and ask what happened . I just don 't like talking about it much , so I try to hide my Trich as much as possible , ie : filling in the gaps in my eyebrows with eyeshadow and I wear a lot of eyeliner to hide the fact that I don 't have any eyelashes . I have decided I really do want to start making YouTube videos , I know in the past I have posted updates on here about how I was thinking about doing it , but I never actually did . Last night I started watching this YouTube series called Becoming YouTube , created by Benjamin Cook . He and all of the other people that are involved in this series with him have really inspired me to become a YouTuber . Everyone I have talked to about this lately has said something along these lines " Yeah , but what would you do or talk about in your videos ? " Before I started this blog I was really unsure if people would even read it or if I was just wasting my time . No , I am not that popular in the blogging world . . . but I do get a decent amount of hits ( or . . . visits ) each day , even when I sometimes haven 't written a post in weeks . I used to be nervous that one of the artist that I write about would see a post of mine about them or their music and would be worried that I offended them or hurt their feelings in some way , but I have learned most of them are happy that I am talking about them and the music they create . So now that I know that they like seeing what I have to say about them , instead of being afraid of what they say / think about what I write here , it makes me really happy to know that some of them read my posts . So , yes I am nervous about " actually " starting my YouTube channel , but as I was saying I was nervous about starting this blog at first , but it turned out really well for me . laurenmikael . com gets loads of views everyday from all over the world . That 's crazy to think about . . . that someone on the other side of the world reads what I have to say . Who knows I might really like making YouTube videos . . . It 's no secret that I 'm addicted to watching them . I 'm always behind the camera , but I think it 's time that I give being infront of it a try . Here is the Trailer to Benjamin Cook 's series Becoming YouTube : Since 2010 Thriving Ivory has been pretty quite , not updating their Facebook or Twitter ; or releasing any new music , no tours either . I was beginniing to wonder if they had fallen off the planet . They haven 't ; no worries . They have formed a new band Midnight Cinema . I 'm not really sure if this is the end of Thriving Ivory as we have came to know and love them , or if Midnight Cinema is just a side project . Either way , I am totally stoked that they are back . I hope they go on tour soon . . . I miss those guys , there for a while it felt like I was seeing Thriving Ivory every few weeks , they were always coming to Little Rock , good times ; we should get back to that . Maybe eventually I might even get Clayton to remember my name . Last time he called me Clatrice , I don 't know where he got that from , but I thought it was hilarious So yeah . . . I haven 't forgotten about this here little blog , I 've just been super lazy lately . I really need to stop that , I haven 't even taken any photos in over a month . I still need to finish editing the pictures I took from when I saw Hinder and post them here and on my photography page . I got some really good shots that night . Is it bad to say that I 'm bored with life ? God , that sounds so depressing . It 's true though . I just feel like nothing is fun anymore ; even when I am doing something that is really awesome . I think I just have really high expectations for everything and then things don 't end up turning out the way I thought they would ; I guess I need to start going into everything with really low expectations and then maybe everything will end up amazing me and I can get my happiness back . I used to be a really happy person who found happiness in even the tiniest little things . I don 't know where that part of me went but I really want it back . The first track " Permanent Scar " is my favorite of the 3 . It 's been stuck in my head ever since the first time I heard it . Once I start playing it I always end up putting it on repeat . I 'm pretty sure I could listen to this one all day and never get sick of it . I 've never felt so alive , than when you 're next to me " You can listen to " Saboteur " in it 's entirety using the widget below . If you like what you hear then you can also use the widget to buy " Saboteur : " for $ 3 . 00 ( or if you are nice and feel like they deserve more than $ 3 . 00 for their lovely music then you can give them whatever amount you want . ) It is also available on iTunes . I had surgery on Friday . It went well . I 'm home now , doing fine . Thursday was the night that www . laurenmikael . com had to be renewed for another year . Google pulled money out of my account , but the same night I was looking in my blog settings had accidentally clicked the X beside the URL of my site . I 've always hated having . blogspot attached to the URL ; it doesn 't look professional and it makes me feel more " important " to have my own . com domain . I was freaking out , not sure if I was going to be able to fix it . I was afraid I had wasted money on a site I couldn 't even use ( if you know me , you know I am very picky with my money . . . if I am willing to pay for something , it better be completely and totally amazing and I better be able to use it whenever and / or however I want . ) I called Google ( since they own Blogger ) but it turns out they don 't have any customer support . . . or at least any " real " people you can talk to . . . how stupid is that ? ! ? Very . If you ask me . Anyway , today after hours and hours of searching I finally figured out how to fix it . I had to let out my inner computer geek and type all these crazy codes and stuff into the website that I purchased my domain from . It took forever , but I did it . So happy it 's fixed . Just to give you a little bit of an idea of how much I care about this blog : Thursday night I couldn 't sleep at all . " Yeah , Lauren you were having surgery the next morning , it 's completely understandable that you wouldn 't be able to sleep . You were worried about the surgery . " That 's what you 're thinking , right ? Well , sorry to tell you , but you are wrong . I couldn 't sleep because I was worried about the fate of laurenmikael . com . I had gotten all my worrying about the surgery out of the way on Tuesday . Spent all day in a massive panic attack , so bad that I literally made myself sick . Horrible headache ; Ear ache ; Ringing ears ; Extreme nauseousness . Tuesday sucked . Valium was my best friend that day . Glad everything is over now . Surgery is done . . . shouldn 't have to have another one for at least 7 years . My little home on the internet is secure for another year . Shouldn 't ever have to deal with all the domain drama ever again . . . as long as I 'm not an idiot and mess around with settings ; it should renew by itself every year , and even if it doesn 't at least I know how to fix it . Well basically I just wanted to post since I haven 't much this month . March was good . I saw The Revolutioners a lot . . . I saw them play with Hinder and Aranda ; all in the same show . Those are 3 of my favorite bands ; so it was really awesome to be able to go to a show where I like every band that plays during one night . . . that very rarely happens . This just gonna be a quick post , nothing exciting really . No pictures or anything ( and you know how I feel about post without pictures . . . I can 't stand them . ) Honestly , I would love to make this into a nice long post filled photos and a lot of catching up . . . but I can 't . You see , I 'm having surgery early in the morning ( 5 AM ) and I have to get to bed soon . I 've had this done before , I 've had a pump since I was 10 years old , battery life for these are typically 7 years . I 've had so many surgeries in my life that I 've literally lost count of how many . I haven 't had one in 7 years though ( my last battery replacement . ) So I 'm really nervous . I 'm not really one to ever ask for prayer or anything , but if you pray , would you please pray that tomorrow goes smoothly for me and that I won 't have anxiety about it . I should have a few days of nothing to do while I 'm recovering . During those days I 'm hoping to get a few blog posts written and photos edited and uploaded . I 've already uploaded the Aranda photos to my Photography Facebook page , if you 'd like to see them click here . . . . I know , but you see they 're everywhere lately . So I kinda can 't help it . On February 7th The Revolutioners took part in the 3rd round of the 2013 Arkansas Times Music Showcase . ( I guess you could say it 's kinda like Arkansas ' own little American Idol . ) On Sunday they are playing a show with Otherwise . I 'm pretty excited about it , I haven 't seen Otherwise since I took a trip to Fayetteville last March to see Pop Evil as a late birthday present . Which is weird , because we ( my cousin and a friend of ours ) are going to celebrate my birthday ( It was February 20th ) by going to see them this weekend . Two years in a row seeing them for my birthday . . . I like that , I think we should keep this up ; make it happen every year . Oh and I also saw The Revolutioners on February 16th , they had a headlining show at Juanita 's ; but we 'll talk about that later . I 'm pretty much seeing them on a weekly basis now . I like that . We should keep that up too . - laurenmikael So I was on Spotify and decided to search for Se7en Sharp ( I do that often just to see if they 'll show up ) and they never have . . . until today . I was so excited ! They also showed up on iTunes when I looked today . . . . and their EP " EPic " has a track on Spotify / iTunes that is not on the physical copy that I got at one of their shows in December . . . so obviously I had to buy it immediately . The song is called " You 're Always Right . " I 'm still trying to figure out how I feel about it . I mean . . . it 's really good ; it 's just different than the Phil I 'm used to . It 's really slow and fancy ( kinda bluesy and jazzy in a way . ) I don 't really know how else to describe it . You 'll just have to give it a listen . ( You should listen to the other 8 songs while you 're there too . ) Click the link below and a player will pop up where you can listen to the entire EP . Click the play button that is on the album cover and " You 're Always Right " will start . ( Ugh ! Apparently you have to be signed into a Spotify account or it won 't play . ) Lame . . . what 's the point in them letting you share on blogs and stuff if you have to be a member / signed in to listen ? That 's stupid . Not everyone has a Spotify account . An Aranda ad ! ! ! Ahh ; yay . . . I 'm still not used to them being " mainstream " or whatever , since they got signed to Wind - Up Records ; so I was kinda shocked when I saw this ad pop up and got totally excited . I 've been an Aranda fan for years , back when I would mention them and everyone would go " What ? Aranda . Who is that ? " ( except they would pronounce it Aronda and totally piss me off . . . I can 't stand when people do that ; even El Covino on Sirius XM Octane says it like that , makes me wanna punch him in the face every time . ) Aranda is on tour with Daughtry and 3 Doors Down right now . Crazy ! So happy for them . They just better not forget about me now that they are all big time and whatnot . We go too far back for that mess . : ) Phil told me that one of his bands ( either Se7en Sharp , or The Revolutioners ) is going to be doing a show with Aranda next time they come back to Little Rock ; which is actually how I found out about Phil in the first place . Se7en Sharp played a show with them last March . Not sure which of his bands is gonna be doing the show yet . . . but I 'm excited and it 's gonna be amazing , regardless of which one of his bands get to play . So I did end up getting to go see The Young Rapscallions with The Revolutioners . Good times ! I met Christopher Mintz - Plasse ( you may know him as McLovin ' from the movie Superbad . ) He is a really awesome guy ; super nice and a totally kick ass drummer . He is the drummer for The Young Rapscallions . They 're really good , I 'm definitely going to see them again if I get the chance . The Revolutioners were amazing . Obviously ; I mean it 's Phil Houston . . . In fact he recently won a Screamie award for Best Male Vocalist in Arkansas . So yeah , pretty sure when I say he 's amazing I know what I 'm talking about and apparently so does the rest of Arkansas . Yay Phil ! Oh and his band The Revolutioners won Arkansas ' Best Album of the Year with their self - titled EP ( which you should totally go buy from iTunes . . . right now ; seriously though . . . go buy it now . ) . They also won Arkansas ' Song of the Year with their track " Lumen . " Oh and um their guitarist Ben Richman also tied with Trevor Trent ( of Jessica Seven ) for Arkansas ' Best Guitarist . Have I proved my point yet ? ; ) I have been wanting to see him solo for a long time now and am really hoping I find a way to make it to the show ; for more then just that reason . Boom The Wheel is going to be on the bill for that show . I just found out a few days ago that Natalia is leaving Boom The Wheel , and this will be her last show them . I am really sad about her leaving , she is an amazing singer with such a beautiful voice ; a great person . and friend . I really hope I get to be there to see her perform with them one last time . The Young Rapscallions are going to be on the bill as well . I had never heard of them until a few days ago . From what I have heard of theirs so far though has been really good and you may know their drummer , Christopher Mintz - Plasse known for playing the roles of McLovin ' in the film Superbad , Isaac in the film Year One , Chris D ' Amico / Red Mist in the film Kick - Ass , and Tommy in the film Pitch Perfect . Actually The Young Rapscallions are going to be at Juanita 's two nights in a row . . . tomorrow night as headliners with The Supporting Cast and The Revolutioners . First off I would like to take a second to change my previous opinion of The Supporting Cast which I told you about in this post from 2010 . Where I basically said they suck . They don 't . I was wrong . I have seen them 4 or 5 times since then and they don 't scream through the entire set . They are good . I don 't know what was wrong me that day , maybe I was in a bad mood or had a headache or something . I did say in that post that I was talking to Anthony Evans of School Boy Humor the whole time , so maybe I wasn 't paying them enough attention . We got some things to catch up on . . . So I did end up getting to go see The Young Rapscallions with The Revolutioners . Good times ! I met C . . .
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I survived my first day home alone with three children . It started with about 3 hours sleep because Abby was up all night crying due to constipation . I also survived spilled juice , ice all over the floor , a playroom explosion , and put out a few arguments between brothers . I managed to get some good book reading time in with the boys and played " camping " with them in their walk in closet . The only bad part was I fell asleep and woke up minutes later with two boys jumping ontop of me . Overall it was a good day , but I 'm feeling totally overwhelmed with life , probably a little depression mixed in too . Adjusting to change is always hard for me - thus the past 9 months has been hard because there has been lots of change . There is so much I want to accomplish with the boys , but haven 't had much ambition since getting pregnant , then having high blood pressure , then the chaos of our little preemie . Now that life is getting to a new normal I just expect to jump in and do all the things I had missed over the past 9 months , but that isn 't the case . Three kids is a lot of work , pumping , feeding , reading my Bible , being up half the night , trying to cook , do a little laundry , pray for grace , play with my sweet kids , smile , have fun , pick up spills , kiss bo bo 's , smile again , read a few books , answer the phone , pray for mercy , then add some work in there too and it all just seems impossible to do well . Add to the above with a burden of deciding how to educate Drew next year . I have a desire to home - school our kids and homeschool them well ( my type A , prefection coming out ) - but don 't really know if I can pull it off - life isn 't perfect and my expectations may be unrealistic . The other option is to put Drew in a private kindergarden at his present pre - school but that costs a lot of money , or send him to public . I really don 't feel called to send him to public so I 'm left with only two options and I can 't decide , I 've wobbled between the two for over a week . Do I start homeschooling this year , or wait one more year when things are a little calmer and Drew and Abby are a little bigger ? Also there is the issue of my job and how in the world I will fit it all in and do them all well . God certainly has me here in this place for a reason , I just wish He would tell me exactly what He wants me to do ! Until then , I will wait patiently on the Lord and keep laying this burden at His feet . I know He will answer me when I call , I just need to be patient and obedient while I wait . On another note , Abby is doing well , very fussy since she is still constipated - we 're on day 6 . Here is hoping tonight is better than last night ! She is eating a lot , thus the double chin , she is also holding her head up better . Abby loves to be held , swaddled , or in a front pack . She also enjoys sleeping on her stomach elevated over her boppy . We spent the week with Grandma Patti , we all had a wonderful time and I really enjoyed the extra hands ! The boys loved playing and singing and reading books with Grandma ! Their favorite thing to play was " camping " which involved getting out all the blankets and pillows and roasting ' hot dogs " ( Foam Nerf Ammo ) and going to " sleep " in their makeshift tent . Very fun ! Drew also showed off his two wheeler action and rode his big boy bike all by himself . He actually learned back in December but I hadn 't posted on it or captured any photo 's of the big event . Now that the weather is nicer we 'll be getting outside much more ! I feel like I 've been living inside for a whole 9 months ! Spring is in the air and I can 't wait for some Spring planting over the next month or two ! Drew was able to go on a Daddy date tonight to Medieval Times and see jousting and horses . They are sure to have even more sword fighting over the next few weeks ! It fits perfectly with the book we love called " The Squire & The Scroll . " Drew is sure to be excited when he gets home tonight . Our little Abby is home ! She came home late Friday evening and has been doing so well ! She came home on oxygen but hasn 't used it much at all ! She has a pulse oximeter which measure the amount of oxygen in Abby 's blood . The pulse ox is attached to a box which beeps when her saturation drops below 90 % . In the last 48 hours she has been off oxygen which is a miracle , in the hospital the most she could be on room air was around 90 minutes . I 'm so happy to be able to put her in a sling and walk around the house now that she isn 't attached to oxygen 24 / 7 . Her coming home story is such a God orchestrated event . I headed to the hospital on Friday after the snow began to thaw , I brought my overnight back and planned to stay until my mom came Saturday morning so I could take a break . Around 3 : 30 Abby 's doctor arrived and started talking about how confused he was about her oxygen levels . He said we had two options , one was to wait it out longer and let her wean herself of the oxygen , the second option was to perform a bronchoscopy and view her lungs and heart for problems . The procedure would involve putting Abby under anesthesia which I wasn 't too fond of . I said I would prefer the more conservative approach . He agreed and as he was walking out the door I casually asked if we could wait it out at home on oxygen ? He turned around and asked if I felt comfortable handling that and I almost yelled , " Oh Yes " but was more calm about the whole thing . He wouldn 't promise anything but said he would get the paperwork moving and see what happened . About 2 hours later I had home health delivering her temporary oxygen and was packing up our things to come home ! It was a crazy few hours but we were discharged around 6 : 30 Friday evening . It has now been 48 hours since we 've been home , Abby was on oxygen the first night we were home , the net morning we tried to wean her to room air , which we were told needed to be our goal at home , and would you know our God answered our prayers . Abby has been breathing room air for almost two days . We have put her back on oxygen a few times when she acted tired and her sensor was dropping , but for the most part she is breathing wonderfully ! Wow ! God is so good ! We went from an invasive surgery to almost healthy within a weekend . Just waiting around for the snow to melt a little before heading off to the hospital . John has the day off so he will be watching the boys tonight and I 'll be staying at the hospital . Abby did well yesterday , there were periods of about 2 hours where she was on room air , but then she would start to struggle and have to put her back on . Please keep praying ! We had a record snow fall - over 11 inches in our part of town . We only recorded 9 inches at our house . The snow is the most we 've seen in over 100 years , what a perfect surprise ! We 've all been having lots of fun and lots of cocoa ! Happy 1 Month Birthday Abby ! I can 't believe in a month you have only been home with us 9 days . I miss having everyone together under one roof . Not much to update today , we 're blessed to be at home due to tons of snow - 7 inches and counting . I can 't say I 'm too sad , the boys and I are having a wonderful time while little Abby is being spoiled by nurses . Here are some pictures from our very fun morning . It is so nice to be home , be able to cook for the kids , do laundry , play , and worship the Lord from our warm and cozy home . There is no place like home ( and snow ) , there is no place like home ! We are enjoying God 's beautiful gift of sabbath rest today ! Well , we 're still here at Cooks . Abby is doing well , she just doesn 't want to wean off the oxygen . I am going to ask her doctor if we could possible go home with her on the oxygen and monitor ? It can 't hurt to ask ? We 're already doing everything at the hospital that we could do at home - feeding , changing diapers , breathing treatments , and lots of cuddles . We actually went up on her oxygen today since she seemed to be struggling a little . Other than that Abby is eating really well , she even ended up with a tummy ache today because she ate too fast . Crazy girl ! She loves that breast milk , she drank 3oz twice for me today , that is a lot for a 5 1 / 2 little girl ! Well we just returned from a field trip to the X Ray department ! They had to catheterize Abby and test her kidney 's and bladder to see why she had a UTI so young . Poor thing , she wasn 't too happy about the process , but it wasn 't as traumatic as the other things she has been through the past month . Abby had a good day , her oxygen is at . 25 liters which is not much , but every time they try and take her off her level 's goes down . They will try again tomorrow . Other than that she had a good day , she enjoyed a bath and tons of cuddles from mommy . The nurse just poked her head in and the test came back negative , so Abby doesn 't have kidney reflux ! Yes ! She finally get a break ! I spent the day with my little girl . She is eating like a newborn already , she is always hungry which explains her 1 . 5 oz growth per day ! She weighed in today at 5 pounds 5 oz . She has gained almost a pound since birth which is remarkable considering 3 / 4 of her life she has lived in a hospital and much of it sedated . Sweet thing , she is on . 5 liters of oxygen today and holding steady ! She still sounds terrible , but the pulmnologist says that is normal for RSV babies . Her nights are the worst , which is normal for RSV , so once she doesn 't need oxygen at night we can go home . I 'm praying we get to go home by Thursday , but are taking this thing one day at a time . John is headed here tonight and will be spending the nights with Abby . Pray for him . He isn 't much for waking in the middle of the time , feeding and he hates to change newborn diapers . He doesn 't might the bigger kids , but he is afraid of breaking Abby ! Please pray he gets rest , since he has no more vacatiion days and will be working during the days while I 'm here . We tried bringing the boys to the hospital , but mommy and daddy are a little stressed and the additional stress of the kids wasn 't the best idea . There are just too many cords and things to get into in this small room . Today we moved out of the PICU and into a room ! We were excited for our big move , but with the move comes more time away from home . Abby has a private room which means she has to have John or I here most of the time . John graciously has taken nights and I 'm here during the day . The boys are holding up ok , but I really hope we don 't live like this for too long . We 're all exhausted and the house is a pit ! It would be so nice to get on with our lives . Abby is doing well , she is stable , breathing on 1 liter of oxygen , she has breathing treatments every 4 hours and they are suctioning her like crazy . Most of the junk is sitting in her lungs , today they said it dropped to her lower lungs . Abby is thrilled that she is off the vent , she is eating a ton ! One feeding she ate 85 ml which is about 25 more than normal . Her antibiotics are done tomorrow so then maybe I can convince a nurse to take out the IV in her hand - then she can have a much needed bath . Abby was so excited to get her passy back , it was the first thing that she did , it immediately calmed her and she went right to sleep , such a little trooper she is ! Friday Evening Update : Abby was not extubated today . It was a horrible day I 'd prefer never to relive again . Abby spent the day very restless because her breathing tube wasn 't in properly . They planned on extubating so they didn 't fix it , then she got really mad from the discomfort and the fact that her feeds were turned off ( planning to extubate means turning off feeds ) which hindered her progress today . Her CO2 went up because she spent over an hour upset and crying . I 'm very upset too , a mommy in tears is never a good thing ! Abby and I both cried , only you couldn 't hear her , only see her sad eyes and see her struggling and red in the face . It was a busy day in the PICU , we had a terrible nurse , there were many emergencies more critical than Abby and I wanted to throw a big temper tantrum in the middle of the floor to get anyone 's attention . In fact , I pretty much did ! Very mature of me I know ! What is a mother to do when she is trying to advocate for her child and no one will listen . Well , they are listening now , too bad it was after I lived the worst hour of my life . Please pray that tomorrow she gets off the vent , she spent most of the day trying to pull the thing out and I spent most of the day holding her sweet little hands so she couldn 't . I 'm clinging to the fact that " God 's mercy is new every morning . . . He is faithful " to hear my cries tonight ! Shock , fog , exhaustion , anger , sadness , dependence , acceptance , surrender - the process of a life lived for Christ . I 've run the gamete of emotions the past two months . There has been so much going on , so many unexpected bumps in this road called " my life . " I 've always asked the Lord to be glorified through my introverted life . I 've always wondered how someone who isn 't too keen on meeting new people or opening up to strangers could glorify God , so here I am at the very least getting lots of practice . Volunteers and Pastors stop by all the time offering to chat and asking questions about our little Abby . It is hard for me to be warm and welcoming , but I sure am getting lots of practice . Even now as I type a sweet comfort volunteer came by and asked if I needed anything . I 'm not sure how this RSV hospitalization will bring God glory , but I 'm confident He is answering my lifelong prayer through this trial . God is changing my heart to be more open and vulnerable ! My prayer for today is " Lord , please allow Abby to get off this vent . " She is so very close , she is getting more feisty , more agitated which is terrible to see as a mother , but the doctors say that it is actually good , it shows that she is getting ready to breath unassisted . They just went down on her vent , then will do another blood gas at 4 , then the doctor will make a decision . They did stop her feeds just in - case she comes off the vent this afternoon , but I 'm trying not to get excited since we were here in this same place yesterday . Thanks everyone for praying . Those prayers and sweet notes ( and the Starbucks downstairs ) are getting me through this day . I was dialoging with God last night about how hard it is to watch your child suffer , to want to take their pain and put it upon yourself . God brought to my mind how much He loves us , how he could take the pain of sin and consequence upon Himself - His death on the cross , the ultimate love offering to His children . He also brought to mind the sorrow and pain He feels when that gift isn 't reciprocated . When the choice to surrender all for Christ isn 't taken seriously . My conversation with God encouraged me to be even more diligent about creating an environment in our home that exemplifies a love for Christ . What a gift I can give my children - a love and respect for our Holy God that someday they may adopt as them own ! Abby is so sweet , she gets red in her face and tries to cry when some junk needs to be suctioned out of her lungs or nose , or she needs a diaper change . The rest of the time she just rests . This morning when I arrived she was a little too awake and I got to see her beautiful blue eyes for the first time since Saturday . She just looked so sad and tired . Poor little peanut , the hard part is almost over , just wait one more day ! Abby is doing well , blood gasses will show when she is ready to be weaned off the vent . In the interim , she is regaining strength every day . The worst of the disease is today , so we 're turning a corner . Abby also developed a UTI so she is on antibiotics . She has a slight fever last night but it is gone this morning . She is no longer using the warmer for heat which is great , she is maintaining her own body temp . Her cute brown / pink blanket is covering her and all the nurses are in love with her cuteness ! Abby 's feeds are at 12CC / hour and she is resting well due to the sedation medication . The boys are doing well , they miss their sister . We 're going to have the boys make her a drawing and hang it by Abby 's bed . Drew wants to draw a rainbow to remind Abby that God 's promises are true . Such a sweet brother ! God 's promises are true ! We 're so blessed to have God 's promise of comfort and strength ! I haven 't any strength left , yet I know I am daily drawing from the strength of my Savior . The days blur together , the nights seem to pass quickly yet I feel great peace through all that we 're going through . God is God and I am not - seems to be my moto during this trial , praise God that I 'm not God and that amidst the rain , he provides his " rainbow " for comfort and brings peace amidst sorrow ! I awoke last night to the cry of a baby , but it was only a dream . I looked at her empty cradle and sighed , how did this become my life ? I am thankful , amidst what seems like chaos , because my baby is alive , her prognosis is good , she will eventually come home . Those are all wonderful things that some parents haven 't heard . There are babies in the NICU right now whose future prognosis is unknown . Tonight I am thankful amidst this unexpected trial . Our little peanut was diagnosed with RSV Saturday morning at the Cooks urgent care clinic . Her X - rays were clear and she didn 't have a fever . We were released on breathing treatments , saline drops , and instructions to suction her nose like crazy , Saturday evening I picked up her medicine and gave Abby her first treatment around 10 : 00 pm . I then gave her a warm bath and then prepared her for bed . During her feeding ar 11 : 00 John and I noticed her struggling to feed . I also heard a " crackle " in her chest . She then choked on some milk , went limp and we had a terrible time getting her to respond to us . She began to turn blue and then took some short shallow breaths . By now her color was an ashen gray . John and I discussed taking her to Cooks and about the time we decided to call my mom to stay with the boys , Abby coughed up some milk and then began struggling to breath all over again . In earnest we got ready to leave and debated calling an ambulance , but really weren 't sure if we were over reacting or not . She had been diagnosed this morning and they didn 't seem concerned . We left the house around 11 : 30 and drove to downtown FW , she began having a few more spells and John finally flagged down a police officer to escort us to the ER . We 'd never been to Cooks and had a general idea where the hospital was , but we weren 't positive . We were immediately moved to an assessment room , then a triage room where Abby was looked at by a pediatric ER doctor . After a two minute exam he said he was moving her to a warming table , said she was going to be admitted , and was going to put in an IV . Once we got her on the table , he immediately saw her stop breathing on the monitor for a few seconds . That was when everyting started happening so fast . Immediately he said she would be intubated , then about 12 doctors and nurses arrived and began working on her . We were ushered to a private family room and Dr . Lemon came back in about 10 minutes later / He said Abby was intubated , on paralysis medication and we were able to see her . Over the next 30 minutes they assessed her , worked on getting fluids into her , removed air pressure from her stomach which had built up , and tried to get her blood pressure under control . Once Abby was stable we were then taken upstairs to the NICU where we were introduced to her new nurses and the doctor . The staff were so warm and wonderful , it made the shock of the past few hours a little easier to handle . Around 5 : 00 am John and I felt comfortable with everything and I went home to get some sleep , John stayed by his little peanut until I arrived the next afternoon . Throughout all our prayers and the shock of seeing our child intubated and on a vent , John and I both felt the " peace of God which surpasses all understanding . " We truly have so much to be thankful for : God kept her alive until we reached the ER , He gave us a great and assured doctor who acted quickly , He has provided family and friends to walk us through this , He has provided modern medicine which has saved her life . we are the fortunate ones , our little girl will be coming home within the next month , she shouldn 't have any long term effects from the virus . That is more than some of the parents in the NICU . We are blessed and thankful tonight - even though her cradle is empty and its hard to not be with our Abby 24 / 7 , we have confidence in the One who is holding her little hand and singing over her . We intimately know the author of life , the One who created our Abby and loves her more than we do - Jesus Christ ! In this world , a second is a second . Time paces forward with exquisite regularity , at precisely the same velocity in every corner of space . Time is an infinite ruler . Time is absolute . - - Einstein 's Dreams Abiding , cultivating , longing for deep intimacy with our Creator . We are a growing family of five ; taking delight in the ordinary . Our family was established in 2003 , native Oregonian 's , currently worshiping in the state of Texas . This blog reveals our struggles , joys , and journey in raising two boys and a little girl for our Lord Jesus Christ ; we will share all about ~ Faith . . . Family . . . Fun . . . Frugality .
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Jun 6 12 8 : 38 AM After going to bed last night ( 05 June 2012 ) around 9 : 30 p . m . before falling off asleep I repeated several times in my mind two statements : " How can Bill best help Frida to develop her intuitive skills ? " and " Please provide information about any past life connections between Bill and Frida ? " . . . Woke up this morning ( 06 June 2012 ) at 06 : 50 a . m . but not remembering any dreaming from last night . . . later in the morning I was at my computer adding some comments to OmTalks " Frida 's Journal Of Weird Things " ( Ref : The Time Is Now ) about her two " my best friend " dreams which she had documented and I stated they were very intriguing for me and I suspected important for her . . . as I was typing I suddenly remembered that I did in deed have a dream last night . . . I only remember just a little bit of that dream . . . in the dream I had started to work at what reminded me of the old factory job that I use to have back in the summers when I was going to college . . . I have had a form of this dream many times and it seems to be centered around that first major job experience working during the summers while going to college . . . in last night 's dream it was my first day at work there and I was being shown where I was supposed to work by a man . . . he then gave me a big white tee - shirt to wear . . . this big white tee - shirt seemed to have a neck collar that was a dark color . . . as I looked around it seemed as if all the employees working there had a big white tee - shirt that they were wearing . . . I realized that this was something different about this place and it almost seemed like something special now and we were supposed to wear these nice big white tee - shirts which was different from when I worked here before . . . that 's all I remember of the dream . . . Analysis : as I was typing on the computer I wondered why I had remembered this dream fragment at the time I was writing about Frida 's two " my best friend " dreams . . . later I wondered if my before - sleep question " How can Bill best help Frida to develop her intuitive skills ? " might beInteract Jun 11 12 4 : 08 AM Woke up this morning ( Monday 11 June 2012 ) at 05 : 37 a . m . from a dream . . . the dream wasn 't very long . . . I was waiting for a train with some people . . . when the train arrived I was talking to someone on the train . . . they had brought me a package of something that was like a medicine I think . . . before the train arrived I was thinking about how much I needed to pay for this package right down to the pennies on the tax . . . when the man on the train arrived with the package I was discussing the amount plus the tax with him . . . it seemed that the percentage of tax was slightly greater than I had expected it to be . . . as I talked with the man I could understand clearly and calculate the exact amount of money plus the corrected tax amount of pennies . . . apparently this was correct . . . the last thing I remember of the dream was watching the train go off down the railroad tracks looking at the end of the train as white smoke or steam came out into the air from the front of the train . . . then I awoke . . . Analysis : the interesting thing about this dream was that as soon as I awoke and remembered the dream I realized that I ( as my dream character ) was able to do critical reasoning in the dream and calculate the correct amount of tax that went with the amount of the money for the purchase . . . I think this was the significance of the dream that I was able to do critical reasoning ( i . e . do clear thinking ) while in the dream state . . . The reason this makes sense to me is because of two other dreams that I had in the previous two mornings . . . all three dreams taken together seem to be suggestive of a change that I am being made aware of . . . two mornings ago ( Saturday 09 June 2012 ) I had a dream in which I was shown an upside naked butt with shit ( i . e . literally turds ) being put into it ( i . e . going backwards into the anus ) . . . then I was shown what looked like a small diagram of Boolean logic ( e . g . and , or , xor , nor , not , etc . ) gates and these circuit gates being disconnected from each other . . . Yesterday morning ( Sunday 10 June 20Edited 8 times by Billy2024 Jun 11 12 11 : 56 AM . Bill 16 August 2011 : Bill , hello ! What a good surprise . First , to meet you and Sammy Basset on a pleasant evening , and now to receive an unexpected note , with dream sequence narratives that are mysterious and beguiling . What a lovely gift ! Thank you for sharing your writing . I must admit , I am not always the " worker . " In fact , in the tree project , I am actually the " supervisor . " : - ) However , I am very good at it . Hahahhaah ! And when it comes to digging in the dirt and planting the plants , and watering and feeding them , well , it 's back to " worker " status for me . Enjoy this cool , rainy day . We 'll see you and Sammy again , and we 'll look forward to it . Cheers , Cathrine16 August 2011 plus a few days later while out for a walk : Out walking the dog I [ Bill ] passed by Catherine 's house . . . she was out in the yard working . . . while we were talking her Significant Other came outside . . . Catherine introduced us . . . while I was talking to him a very odd curious thing occurred . . . when he walked up to beside me in the yard . . . I looked at him he being taller than me . . . and I found myself saying the following similar words : " There is something about your eyes ! You have strange eyes ! " like someone else was saying it . . . his eyes were not strange which is curious . . . even as I was saying that to him I knew this was a weird thing to say . . . Visual / Dream / Insights 22 August 2011 : My Inner Voice23 August 2011 : Polymath : His Eyes . . . Something About His Eyes . . . Very Interesting Eyes . . . Norman Rockwell Painting : ' Girl With Black Eye ' Jigsaw Puzzle Completed Jun 20 12 4 : 30 AM What if : I 've been " scratching my head " ( i . e . pondering over ) from time to time for a long time about what does it ( i . e . the years of these various non - ordinary visual and dream and awake experiences of consciousness ) all mean and where is it all going if anywhere . . . this morning ( Summer Solstice 20 June 2012 ) laying in bed awake though not yet opening my eyes . . . I was musing over some of the various ingredients that make up the non - ordinary visual and dream and awake experiences of consciousness over the years and how these condiments could be put together to make some kind of sense of it all . . . what if the following concept could help to explain where it is all going . . . and these are my intuitive insights for an explanation . . . Training Years Goal Oriented : I 've been having the ' awakening experiences ' beginning seriously in 1993 and on up until the current time in various forms which I have written about as best I could and understood as time passed . . . and I 'm aware that other people have been undergoing types of similar experiences as well beginning for them at different times with their experiences suited individually and personalized to their situation . . . I 've come to the conclusion for myself that these long term experiences are very real and would not have been done if there was not an end purpose to it all . . . these experiences have disrupted the very lives of people and I can not but think that this would have been done only if it were for a very important reason . . . so I have concluded that all these years of experiences are training years and they have an ultimate purpose . . . Trains Pulling Together : In recent conversations with Frida ( Frida 's Journal of Weird Things ) using both public and private communications she notably pointed out that she has been dreaming of trains recently and in fact did so a couple of times within the last two or three days : Frida Dreams / Comments Monday 18 June 2012 " . . . But I have always remembered a lot of my dreams , and I have had very vivid dreams long before thmy nap today , the only thing I remember from the dream ( I was on a train , with someone ) was telling this person that I used to live in the place we [ passed ] by . What do you think ? . . . " Frida Dreams / Comments Tuesday 19 June 2012 " . . . Regarding the train ride . I only remember the place I passed by . I thought in the dream that it was south of Stockholm . But it didn 't look right . It was very " commercial " . I remember at least one really big playground for kids , stores and restaurants . It was sunny and a maybe [ too ] warm for Sweden , more of yellow , sandy colors . It looked almost a little future - like , it was too much crazy buildings . . . . " " . . . I can also say that I dreamt about being on a train this night . ( I slept there was food on the train . I used to dream about [ buses ] and airplanes . . Now it 's mostly trains . . . . " In my conversation with Frida about her train dreams I remembered that I one of us that the dreams are " tied " together in some symbolic way via use of the word " train " . . . New Living Quarters , Becoming A Collective : As soon as I just now placed Frida 's paragraph in position above about " one really big playground for kids , stores and restaurants " it immediately came to my mind that this reminded me of Rosie 's " ascension related dream " about a kind of collective neighborhood that extended out from the back of her home . . . Rosie Dreams / Comments September 201126 September 2011 Dream : New Living Quarters . . . Former Home with Amazing New Layout , Furnishings , Neighborhood , People . . . [ Part 1 ] , [ Part 2 ] , [ Part 3 ] , [ Part 4 ] so I strongly suspect that Frida is actually talking about the same kind of " ascension related dream " experience as well but personalized to her situation . . . that is to say both Rosie and Frida are talking about dream material that has to do with an ascension experience involving a kind of collective neighborhood that they will be involved with in the future . . . notice Frida states " It looked almost a little future - like " which is suggestive of the future aspect . . . The Tree Project , Confrontation , Ultimatum , Replace Old Computer : in the conversations with Frida I reminded her of a dream that I had had in July 2010 which seemed very important and apparently was something like a plan or blueprint in symbolic form of what was coming in the future : 05 July 2010 Dream : Corporate Job ( Wichita , NCR ) and Chicago University " . . . Next I find myself being interviewed for a job but again don 't remember any details . Apparently I was accepted because that I am now working again for NCR Corporation back in Wichita , Kansas . The thought passes my mind I wonder how I am going to get my house sold back home and move the household goods and wife out to Wichita . I 'm sitting toward the end of the table with a large woman immediately to my right , another person to her right at the end of the bench . There are a couple of people at the right end of the table then people seated along the bench on the opposite side from me . I look around the table and noticed that all the positions along the table are filled with people seated . To my far left I see a man who is standing in position getting into his seat . I recognize this man and think that I want to talk to him later if I get the chance . I turn my attention back to my end of the table . I suddenly realize that the focus of conversation at our end of the table is turned toward me . The people to my right , at the end and two people across on the opposite bench are looking toward me and talking to me . I turn to the woman sitting on my right side and say something to her then look at these other nearby members as I realize this . I hear someone tell me something like " You did some hybrid testing . " I don 't know who said this but in a few seconds someone again says aloud something like " You did some hybrid testing " . I 'm reminded of the previous dream segment about the small animals and know that I did something having to do with " hybrids ' but can 't remember what it was . I just can 't remember . Next I find myself with a group of people ( presumably the same ones from the table event ) . We enter the large lobby of a building which I understand to be our new living quarters . As we walk in I am impressed with the nice living quarters that we will be staying in tho this is only the lobby area . We then are in an area which seems to be the seating for eating as there are tables about for small groups of people , at least I see a table or two where two people will be seated across from each other . There is a woman that seems to be the leader of the group and she asks us to check our paper for our room assignment . I search thru my pockets but can 't seem to find the paper and wonder how come I can 't locate it . The woman indicates never mind as she is pairing up the few people who can 't find their paper and thus their room assignment numbers . I am directed to a table to my left where I will be seated and see an empty chair across the table . There is a woman who will be seated across from me but I 'm not told who this is yet . The scene changes and I 'm cleaning up the area around the tables with some kind of broom or rake . There is paper and trash on the floor which is in fact ground and dirt . There is snow mixed in with this trash as I rake and sweep to clear the area . The thought enters my mind that I am at " Chicago University " and that it is cold . And I wonder what in the world am I doing at this place . I awaken and the dream ends . . . . " In the above dream to date I have tentatively identified the " man standing about to be seated at the table " as Far North ( Nighttime Travels ) . . . and the woman " who seems to be the leader of the group " as Catherine . . . the woman sitting to my right is my wife Pat , . . . and the " woman who will be seated across from me but I 'm not told who this is yet " as Frida ( Frida 's Journal of Weird Things ) . . . and I am now suggesting that the project / event " As we walk in I am impressed with the nice living quarters that we will be staying in tho this is only the lobby area . We then are in an area which seems to be the seating for eating as there are tables about for small groups of people , at least I see a table or two where two people will be seated across from each other . There is a woman that seems to be the leader of the group and she asks us to check our paper for our room assignment . " as " The Tree Project " . . . curiously the other day when I was writing up the following post I suddenly had what I would call a very strong intuitive insight as to the meaning of supervisor and The Tree Project : Insights 18 June 2012 Catherine , ' His Eyes . . . Something About His Eyes . . . Very Interesting Eyes . . . ' , ' You Have Very Beautiful Eyes ' , Girl With Black Eye " . . . I must admit , I am not always the " worker . " In fact , in the tree project , I am actually the " supervisor . " : - ) However , I am very good at it . Hahahhaah ! And when it comes to digging in the dirt and planting the Jun 23 12 2 : 20 AM Went to bed last night ( 22 June 2012 ) early at 09 : 09 p . m . as I seemed to be sleepy earlier than usual . . . woke up this morning sometime around 04 : 00 a . m . and went to the bathroom then got back in bed with the intention of falling off asleep again . . . but that never happened as I just lay there in bed thinking . . . Building Intuitive Skills : Lately I have been wondering about the concept of " building intuitive skills " . . . by " building intuitive skills " I mean building your personal skills in learning to pay close attention to your consciousness experiences during the day as well as during the night , noticing subtle events in your feelings or in your body , details of events in your dreams , unusual incidents that happen to you perhaps ' just out of the blue ' that seem to be curiously odd . . . and then spending some personal thinking or pondering about any possible intuitive connections between and among these various sources of information to yourself . . . if you do this and work at building your intuitive skills with practice and deliberation I have found that you often can make intuitive connections that you were not aware of before building such intuitive skills . . . I 've been corresponding with Frida ( Frida 's Journal Of Weird Things ) about some of her experiences and providing her with examples of what seem to be similar experiences and what I seem to have learned from these and other possibly related experiences . . . during this time I have noticed that Frida seems to be " building intuitive skills " as this dialoguing process moves along over time . . . the biggest indication of her " building intuitive skills " seems to me to be her stating : " Bill regarding the dreams ! I can 't describe it , but it feels like there [ has ] been some shift in my brain since we started talking about what the dreams really mean . It 's like the dream world [ has ] grown ten times [ in ] size . " ( Frida Posted : 05 / 18 / 12 02 : 10 ) . . . in my opinion by becoming more aware of her dreams and discussing them in detail with someone else who is also interdreams long before this last year . . So it 's irritating that it [ seems ] to go up and down nowadays . But one thing that have started to happen is that I [ seem ] to remember things ( maybe [ from ] past lives ) in the dreams . " ( Frida Stated : 18 June 2012 ) . . . Frida and I have discussed this and I agree with her that now that she is paying more attention to her dream world and the possible meanings provided by her Dream Maker in these , it is no longer necessary for her Dream Maker to use such strong dream experiences in an attempt to get her attention as she is now much more alert to her dreams and intuitive meanings they might provide to her . . . Lack Of Energy Sleeping Issues , Dreaming About Food : Frida has stated that in the past she has had a " lack of energy " issue : " There have been a lot of things going on . I have moved to a new place and that together with school has just taken all my energy ( energy I don 't have to begin with ) . " ( Frida Posted : 18 May 2012 02 : 10 ) . . . and that a " sleeping issue " is a concern as well : " like tonight when I woke up with a big twitch by seeing a very scared face a woman in her 40 's right above my head . ( I had big problems sleeping last night . ) " ( Frida Posted : 18 May 2012 02 : 10 ) . . . it is also curious that Frida mentions food in one of her dreams : " I can also say that I dreamt about being on a train this night . ( I slept there was food on the train . I used to dream about [ buses ] and airplanes . . Now it 's mostly trains . " ( Frida Stated : 19 June 2012 ) . . . the reason that I intuitively connect " lack of energy and sleeping issues and dreaming about food " together is I am wondering if all three issues are somehow related together for Frida as well . . . and in particular I know from extensive personal experience that food eaten is a big factor in my moods and affects my sleepiness and energy level . . . it is also curiously odd that about the same time frame that Frida mentioned " at one point there was food on the train " , I had been dreaming about food two or three different nights close together : " about a week or so ago I seemed to be having dreams about food also . . . this lasted over a 3 or 4 day period . . . " ( Bill Stated : 21 June 2012 ) . . . but my dreams did not really make much sense to me and were not very coherent either so I did not try to write these dreams in my journal . . . so I am wondering if there is a " food " connection between Frida and myself which our respective Dream Makers want to bring to our attention . . . the reason I am aware of the connection among energy , sleep and food is because I have had type 2 diabetes for several years . . . and I have to be concerned about my glucose level in my blood when I eat . . . I watch my sugar intake very carefully . . . if my glucose level gets too high in my blood after eating food I get very sleepy and I especially feel a really strong lack of energy until my glucose level goes back down . . . I have also noticed that after I haven 't eaten any food for several hours and start to get hungry then my energy level increases noticeably and I am much more alert and definitely not sleepy then . . . after eating a meal I often want to take a nap an hour or so later because I get very sleepy and feel like I don 't have much energy at all then . . . resting and a nap helps me to get over being sleepy and feeling the lack of energy but the best thing is not to eat too much in the first place . . . perhaps Frida has an issue wiEdited 26 times by Billy2024 Jun 23 12 5 : 49 AM . much of it . . . at first I was in this small town or community apparently . . . there was a man there whom I knew that had work to do for someone . . . he drove his vehicle leaving along a paved street off into the suburb somewhere . . . for some reason I followed along behind the way he traveled . . . I don 't know how I was traveling just that I was following him . . . I came up to where he had stopped . . . he apparently was helping a well - to - do family with some work they wanted done . . . I spend the afternoon helping him do this work . . . in talking with him I told him that I was available to work with him on his other jobs . . . he seemed a little surprised about that . . . I told him that since I was retired and didn 't have all that much to do I would help him on his various jobs . . . the focus of the scene changed and it was later in the evening . . . the wealthy family 's work was completed . . . the father of this well - to - do household of a number of different people came up to me and started talking to me . . . he asked me " How much do we owe you ? Would one hundred dollars be enough ? " . . . I was pretty shocked by that generous statement and thought about it for a few seconds then I said " One Hundred dollars is not appropriate at all ! " which sounded a little shocking to me to say coverage on television . . . I think this dream explains a few things . . . not much has been happening in my life lately as regards dreams and non - ordinary experiences for several weeks . . . I think the dream is stating that the well - to - do family is symbolic of the higher level guides who would normally be interacting with me and probably others such as yourself . . . and the dream seems to be suggesting that they are very appreciative of our work with them but they have been distracted by some kind of important news event that will soon be reported on television . . . and I think the dream is suggesting that soon there will be some important news event that will be talked about on television so I should keep my eye open to the television news events that are coming up over the next few days or weeks . . . I am aware of the US Supreme Court 's announcement this coming Thursday about the US National Health Care Act that is being challenged by several states . . . the important news event could be that but I suspect the important news event goes beyond even that but I really don 't know what it might be . . . Jul 1 12 5 : 30 AM Woke up this morning ( Sunday 01 July 2012 ) at 07 : 35 a . m . having just had a short dream . . . after thinking about this dream a little while it suddenly occurred to me that the dream seemed to be about trying to get me to understand an anagram ( noun : a word , phrase , or sentence formed from another by rearranging its letters : " Angel " is an anagram of " glean . " ) . . . and I also remember that I have had several of these " anagram " dreams within the last few days . . . it seems that some kind of intelligence ( Dream Maker ) is attempting to get me to figure out something to do with an anagram . . . in these several anagram dreams I am shown two choices about some combination of letters of which the first letter is different in the two choices . . . I remember the two choices were an " r " in one case this morning and an " s " in the second case . . . my Dream Maker was trying to get me to figure out which one of the two beginning letters was correct . . . well this certainly puzzled me because I had NO idea what was going on . . . after thinking about this for a little while after waking up this morning I suddenly remembered that earlier in the dream I had seen a very fleeting glimpse of the letters " Sperson " and I immediately realized that this was an anagram of a person 's name that I knew . . . when I realized that that sequence of letters was one of an anagram of a person 's name that I know then I understood that the other part of my dream about the two sets of letters with a different first letter is also an anagram . . . so it seems that my Dream Maker is trying to get me to understand the concept of " anagram " using two choices of letter combinations which differ only by the first letter in the two choices . . . why in the world my Dream Maker is doing that with me is a mystery at this time though . . . Yesterday morning ( Saturday 30 June 2012 ) after I woke up but before I even opened my eyes while still laying in my bed . . . I noticed that I was flipping into visual scenes like dreams even though I knew I was awake . . . the one visualInteract not the problem . . . from what I can tell right now it appears that the TV1 side electronics of the SR box have a failure . . . I told Pat about this and expect that she will call the support people for Dish Network . . . to come out and probably replace the Satellite Receiver Box with a new one . . . NOW here is the irony of the whole thing . . . remember the following : Dream 30 May 2012 New Job , People , Talking , Young Man , Disliked Computer , Boss , Arrogant , Smirk , Computer Old , Ultimatum , Get New Computer , In Five Weeks , Or I Quit . . . HIDE what ever they do BEHIND / UNDERNEATH some natural event so that people would not normally be suspicious about what is going on and question too closely what is done because it would seem to the regular person that the odd natural event would likely explain it . . . Update 10 : 25 a . m . : as I was writing the above information Rebecca came to my door and said that her television had quit working . . . I went and checked and sure enough her television had also quit working . . . so I powered off the power strip for the SR box and TV in the living room . . . then after a few seconds powered it back on . . . after a few moments the SR box powered up and downloaded the satellite information and the TV1 television began to work correctly . . . and the TV2 television began to work correctly as well . . . so it seems as if the Dish Network system had an issue that they cleared up . . . it is still VERY curiously odd that this morning 's hickup event matches up with the dream that I had about five weeks ago . . . as far as I am concerned the timing of both events together is not just a coincidence . . . Update 15 : 50 p . m . : since my update while ago at 10 : 25 a . m . the two televisions on TV1 and TV2 connections of the Satellite Receiver Box have locked up with a frozen television picture two different times . . . then my wife Pat called Dish Network support and we talked to both a support and a technical person and I described the details of the issue . . . the technical support person said it sounded like there was a problem with the SR box so they are going to send a new Satellite Receiver Box via overnight UPS which should arrive tomorrow but perhaps as late as Wednesday depending on how quickly the package can be made ready for UPS pickup . . . Jul 8 12 4 : 31 AM Late in the afternoon ( Saturday 07 July 2012 ) yesterday my wife came out into the living room from being on her computer and on the internet in her bedroom . . . as she sat down on the sofa to get comfortable she suggested to me as I sat in my living room chair watching television that she would like to watch something else perhaps one of those Star Trek [ Voyager ] episodes . . . immediately it occurred to me and I suggested that we watch a movie that my wife had told me the previous day that we had in the DVD cabinet . . . I had previously mentioned to my wife that recently I had been looking up the names of movies on the internet that were about the afterlife , reincarnation , time travel , lucid dreaming , etc . . . one of the movies that I had identified was " Somewhere In Time " ( 1980 ) [ " A Chicago playwright uses self - hypnosis to find the actress whose vintage portrait hangs in a grand hotel . " ] . . . and I told her that I had also located an internet website where you could watch the movie " Somewhere In Time " online . . . as I told her that she surprised me by saying " We have that movie in the DVD cabinet ! " . . . I responded by saying " We do ? I don 't remember it ! " . . . she said that yes we did have that movie . . . and that I had watched it a long time ago . . . I never gave it much thought then but yesterday when she wanted to watch something different like a Star Trek episode it immediately occurred to me that we watch the movie " Somewhere In Time " and since she said it was in the movie cabinet I got up and searched the shelves and found the movie just as she had said . . . I still didn 't remember having seen the movie before . . . I put the movie on the DVD player and we began to watch it together . . . I had only watched the movie for a few minutes when I noticed that I was beginning to have an emotional reaction to the movie content . . . I still did not remember seeing this movie though I agreed with my wife that I probably had seen it a long time ago . . . she insisted that I had seen it but it had been years since then . . . I realized tat all . I didn 't want to go and I was nervous . The last of the bus / trip dreams was really telling ! I was on the bus to Stockholm , sitting in the back with three bags of different sizes . We made a stop at a store that sold electronics and ( I think it 's called ) hardware . And this was where I realized not everyone on the bus was going to the end station ! This was somehow really surprising to me , almost upsetting . People were getting off the bus and taking their bags with them . I was worried about leaving my luggage on the bus . And I looked at you who were also on the bus ! And I thought " There is Bill ! We are both going to the end station " " ( maybe 15 % of the bus was going to the end station ) . And I thought , I will look [ at ] what you do with your bags and know that I knew someone who was going to the end station so I knew when to get off the bus . You left your bags on the bus and got off in to the store . I was still on the bus . I was still not ready to go off , I think I was the last one to get off the bus . But after a while I left my bags on the bus and got into the store . When I walked in the entrance I saw you . You were looking in a box of wires , I think something like computer / TV wires or something that connect different electronics , and you had one of your hands full of wires looking intently in the box for more wires . I thought you were going to buy a lot of things . I wasn 't going to buy anything , I didn 't need anything . I just walked in the store and was just sad and pouting . And then I woke up . " In reply to her dream I suggested that her dream was about her ascension experience which she is now undergoing and understands [ " I have had many many dreams about going to school by bus , end station isn 't The Source ! " ] . . . when she gets on the bus she sees that I [ Bill ] am already on the bus and that I have my bag too . . . she begins to feel better now that she knows I am on the bus with her and that we are both going to the end station . . . she reasons that if she watches my luggage bag and when I take it with me to get off the bus then she will do the same with her three luggage bags and she will know then when the bus has reached the end station . . . after a while the bus stops and I [ Bill ] get off the bus but leave my bag on the bus . . . she waits for a while but then decides to get off the bus leaving her luggage on the bus and come into the store where she sees me . . . this is an electronics store and I am looking very intently over various wires and cables as if to try to pick out various ones that I want to buy . . . she doesn 't need anything but when she came in the store she feels " just sad and pouting " . . . and then she wakes up . . . I explained to her that to me her " bus ride to Stockholm " seems to be a metaphor for her personal ascension experience . . . that she will in fact get to ride the bus all the way to the end station i . e . she will complete the ascension experience . . . I suggest that her three different size bags she has [ " The bag thing is also very clear , I look to what you [ Bill ] are doing . And following you . No explanation needed . " ] with her are in fact three sets of emotional baggage of different sizes that she is carrying with her on her trip and with which she must deal with during her bus ride i . e her ascension experience which I suspect will be dealt with using various Emotional Cleansing Experiences during the " trip " . . . when the bus stops and I [ Bill ] get off the bus leaving my luggage on the bus she knows this isn 't the end station yet . . . she waits for a little while but then curious she gets off the bus leaving her bags on the bus and comes inside the electronics store to find me . . . she sees me looking over various wires and cables having to do with computers and television . . . I suggested to her that these are supplies that are going to be needed to rewire her etheric or light body so that she will be able to become functional in her personal use of the " spiritual internet " and communications and visioning of and with others that are already or will be coming online on this " spiritual internet " . . . and these " wires and cables " are to be used in the recoding of her spiritual DNA in her etheric or light body . . . I suggest her feeling " just sad and pouting " is because she feels left out when I got off the bus . . . This morning I am realizing that her suggested interpretation of her dream applies to my reaction to the movie " Somewhere In Time " that my wife and I watched yesterday afternoon . . . about her dream she suggested that she thought the wires and cables and electronics items suggest that I am making connections and new meanings [ " I thought it was very interesting about your wires also . finding information in a lot of different sources . " ] which is absolutely right because I did in fact get new understanding of my two year old dream and the hotel and Chicago University setting yesterday . . . she is also absolutely right when she said that when her dream character came into the electronics store she was feeling " just sad and pouting " . . . this is a very good description of how I was feeling in that later part of my mini - Emotional Cleansing Experience yesterday while watching the movie " Somewhere In Time " ( 1980 ) . . . I suspect also that if she [ " My unwillingness in taking this trip is hopefully something I 'm working on . But either way . I 'm on [ the ] bus ! " ] will watch that movie closely that she might get some insights about her self and her awakening situation . . . perhaps there are trigger messages hidden in the movie for which her guides have prepared her to react if she will watch the movie . . . also I want her to understand that she has very good reasoning and insight skills in ability to understand what her dreams are telling her . . . and she should know that her ability to " get it " i . e . understand , is very well developed . . . and that the fact that her Emotional Cleansing Experiences are of much shorter duration now is strongly suggestive that she is well along in her awakening and ascension transition . . . she should know that her Emotional Cleansing Experiences will at some point become more subtle and tend to sneak up on her . . . I don 't think she has developed to that point yet but she has learned now that when she recognizes that she has been set into a tailspin emotionally , then it is an Emotional Cleansing Experience that her guides are putting her through . . . it will likely last only a hour or so perhaps longer . . . but these experiences continue and become finer and finer in detail so she should continue to be aware of that nature of them . . . " Don 't Tie Up Your Mind . It 's All In The Construction ! " She Said Obviously Inebriated After She Leaned In To Sweetly Kiss Him With Her Big Soft Red Sensual Lips Jul 10 12 4 : 50 AM Awakening at 07 : 00 a . m . this morning ( Tuesday 10 July 2012 ) I was remembering the end of my dream . . . I had just been in what might have been a bar or lounge with a male friend that I seemed to know well . . . we were standing at the bar counter where he was doing something perhaps talking or ordering a drink . . . there were a number of people standing around the room busy talking . . . my male friend and I turned and left the lounge . . . as we headed for the door to leave I noticed a man outside with some friends of his . . . I recognized him as someone I knew and had been with earlier . . . I knew he was also friends with the man that I was with now . . . so I mentioned to my companion that I just saw the other man . . . what I did not tell him was that the other man was fickle . . . I felt that because when we were together while ago he for some reason just up and left me standing there without any explanation . . . somehow I knew that my current companion also was aware of this fickle nature of the other man . . . my companion had given me a shirt of some kind which I was wearing . . . after we left the lounge my companion went off somewhere and I sat down on a comfortable chair . . . I knew that I needed to get back to my college dorm room because the school year was just about over and I had a few things to take care of yet . . . as I sat in the chair I took off my gift shirt then begin to try to decide which set of clothes I needed to wear . . . as I was doing this I noticed several people sitting at a nearby table talking . . . in particular my attention was drawn to a couple sitting on the other side of the table . . . there was a young man who seemed to be with a very attractive woman with dark hair that was arranged in a kind of upward sweep on the top of and around the back of her head . . . as I watched the two of them both ( white European appearance ) sitting on the opposite side of the table from me with the young man on my left and his attractive woman friend on his left . . . I heard her say " Don 't Tie Up Your Mind . It 's All In The Cotired anymore and I think some of my angst was I have no doubt whatsoever that " the attractive young woman with very soft sensual , kissable red lips " in my dream this morning is in fact the same person as my online female friend . . . there are several characteristics which I have mentioned that uniquely identify her in my mind ( and which she will also relate to and understand ) as the " high / inebriated attractive young woman " sitting at the table with the young man . . . the attractive woman says clearly to me in the dream " Don 't tie up your mind . It 's all in the construction ! " . . . this statement clearly tells me that this whole set of events ( dreams , experiences , people interactions , feelings , reactions , anger , etc ) which my online friend and I are undergoing are part of a process being guided by an intelligence who is monitoring and guiding the whole scenario mixture . . . I also know from past conversations that my online friend was told in a 28 May 2012 dream that " . . . my best friend tells me that I killed my husband in a former life and that is part of the karma I 'm dealing with now . " . . . so I 'm pretty sure that my dream this morning is about my online friend and her past life experience whereby she murdered her husband . . . I furthermore suspect that in her former life my online friend had a severe problem with either drugs or drinking . . . note in the 05 July 2012 dream her dream character states that " I [ was ] high up on some sort of construction - site like thing with an old enemy of mine ( I dream about her from time to time , even though I haven 't talked to her in almost 15 years ) " where she is saying that in her current life she dreams about her past life as the " attractive young woman with problems " from time to time . . . I further suspect there is something significant about " I haven 't talked to her in almost 15 years " which suggests to me that in her current life that she had a drug or drinking problem about 15 years or so ago with which she had to wrestle with but seems to have overcome it about 15 years ago . . . I think that " Don 't tie up your mind . " is a clear referEdited 21 times by Billy2024 Jul 10 12 8 : 04 AM . Jul 13 12 2 : 41 AM It was a few minutes after 05 : 00 a . m . this morning ( Friday 13 July 2012 ) and I had been laying in bed awake since getting up at 04 : 17 a . m . to go to the bathroom . . . now I decided to get up for the day since I didn 't seem to want to fall back off asleep . . . when I awoke while ago I had been dreaming . . . don 't remember much of it . . . and I don 't have much of a " big picture context " with which to understand the dream at this time . . . I 've noticed though that often lately if some time passes then events perhaps happen that suddenly make a dream more understandable . . . while laying in bed I was thinking about the dream and trying to make sense of it . . . In the dream I seem to be in a setting where there was a meeting or eating or drinking establishment . . . outside the communal room there was a yard or lot . . . the dream had something to do with airplanes but these were not early aviation versions of them . . . there was some kind of training being done . . . I seem to remember when I arrived at this place it was like I had flown in somehow , via an airplane of some kind but I don 't remember any details . . . by being " flown in to this place " I mean that I literally flew right down into and onto the lot where this building was located . . . after arriving there I noticed that there was a kind of door which was being used by the small training airplanes for the pilot of these airplanes to aim at in order to try to hit a small round opening in the lower part of the door . . . in fact as soon as I realized that I was at this place I was standing by this door and waved my arm and hand to someone off in the distance . . . this was a signal to the pilot in that small airplane to come on in and aim for the target door near me . . . as soon as I made the arm signal to come on in then I heard an airplane off in the distance roar into life and head toward where I was standing . . . on the lower front of this airplane there was a probe of some kind . . . it was shaped with two extensions extending outward as if it were some kind of locating or focusiEdited 9 times by Billy2024 Jul 13 12 3 : 54 AM . Jul 14 12 6 : 25 AM Woke up this morning at 07 : 15 a . m . ( Saturday 14 July 2012 ) from a very interesting and provocative dream . . . the dream was both stimulating and vexing because of the setting , conversation , and my actions of the dream . . . in the dream my dream character was in what seemed to be a communal or fellowship room . . . this seemed to be associated with a religious or church building . . . there were various small round tables scattered around the room . . . at various of these tables there were people seated and engaged in conversation with one another . . . I think they were also eating a meal as well as talking to each other . . . at the front of the room on the left side there was another small room ( with a door entrance to it ) which was a small office for the attendant of the fellowship eating hall where I was standing . . . I didn 't actually see the door or the small side office room but I knew it was there . . . and in the front of the communal eating room was another door on the rear right side that apparently led through an entrance to some kind of church office ( in the rear of this building ) for the church official for this building . . . The dream begins by my being in the fellowship hall for some unknown reason . . . all I know was that I was there in that room because I had been assigned a task to do . . . I seemed to know what my job was ( apparently something for the church organization ) and I promptly set about doing it . . . I stood by a table near the side wall which had some items on it . . . I checked over the items looking at them closely . . . I saw several money bills among the items and gathered them together and folded them placing some kind of string or rubber band around the folded bunch and laid it on the table . . . then I moved to a nearby table where there were two or three women sitting who were talking and eating . . . as these women continued to converse with each other I checked around on their table and noticed several money bills loosely lying on their table . . . I picked up all these several bills and turned each as Edited 17 times by Billy2024 Jul 14 12 7 : 33 PM . Jul 24 12 5 : 06 AM Mapping one reality into a second reality : with only a few small subtle differences of detail or at least it seems so at this time ( what a Holodeck Program that is . . . toss in to that mix movement across the great expanse of all time along with that of all space . . . and then don 't forget the many different realities and levels therein of which we know little at this time ) . . . we are not talking ASTRAL here . . . we are talking here of interfacing directly and personally with UNIVERSAL INTELLIGENCE like in the ALL THAT IS big time . . . and my favorite term for them : the ANCIENTS from Star Gate SG1 and Star Gate Atlantis genre with the excitement of STAR GATES and travel there through - for real ! ! ! . . . this past week has been hectic I must say . . . and yesterday pretty much tops it all off . . . for the previous few days I have been getting only a little sleep for unknown reasons to me . . . in fact a couple nights ago I only got one hour of sleep as I was very restless although sleepy . . . in the other nights wrapped around that one I only got just a few hours of sleep in each of them . . . if I didn 't know any better I would say something was definitely afoot about that . . . it almost seems that the Intelligence is keeping me awake to prevent my sleeping and perchance to dream about what is in the hopper . . . well what is in the hopper is " magic and rabbits " believe you me about that . . . a very dear online friend once told me about her " magic and rabbits " dream experience . . . now this dear online friend who clearly is an angel in disguise was very pleased and looked forward to that not so far off day . . . well , I knew what she was talking about . . . I have had years and years of experience with talking in negatives , speaking on two levels , seeing unbelievable magic , the surprise of swapping one thing for another to get my attention , creating slight dissociation in my awareness field to confuse my understanding of what is actually occurring behind the scene , holding my tongue to avoid revealing too much , being shown how the useInteract Summary : Ensign Kim asks Tuvok to teach him Vulcan emotional control techniques when he falls in love with a holodeck character named Marayna . However , Kim soon becomes jealous when Marayna shows interest in Tuvok E - News Flash ! ! ! Edited 3 times by Billy2024 Jul 26 12 8 : 12 AM . In late January , I [ Jelaila Starr - The Nibiruan Council ] received the Council assignments for 2005 . I was to travel around the US , doing workshop in order to anchor new grid points from the 9D Compassion Grid and when necessary create healing ( ? ) templates . These templates would provide blueprints for clearing ancient The grid points would anchor the 9D Grid into areas where it was deemed necessary to prevent major earth changes . They would be anchored two ways , into the ground and into the people . The first would be in the location where the workshop takes place . The second would be through the people who either attend the workshop and receive the information or Unlike the workshop and template in Miami , the Kansas City template was rather easy . The participants represented the various races involved in the 4 major galactic events that Iâ €™ d be working on during the year . Each major galactic event is being replayed on Earth at present , creating the various major problems that humanity faces . I believe that the participantsâ €™ contribution was creating a template for harmony in a group of diverse cultures and races . As the second day drew to a close , make a change . What I wouldnâ €™ t know until the end of the year was that this template helped in creating the others . Without it I donâ €™ t think that we could have forged the more difficult ones because the willingness to see the personal issues would have stood in the way . This workshop also played for the other templates , allowing the energies from each to be woven and anchored into the High Heart of the Dove , the high heart chakra of the Earth . This chakra is synonymous with the thymus and if you have followed the Nibiruansâ €™ work , you know that the thymus is where compassion is created . Compassion transmutes DNA to crystalline from and also enables us to change the future . The anchoring process was accomplished through grid work . Each time I left and returned to my home in Kansas City , Missouri after a workshop , the energetic line that was created , anchored to freshly made template into the surrounding area . I thank all those who participated in this workshop . Your contribution allowed for the success of the others . Reference : 2005 Miami TemplateThe Miami Template , March 26 , 2005 the genetics of the participants . We had 3 Felines in our group along with a couple of Reptilians and an Orb . You can read about these races on our website in the Galactic Federation area . . The second clue was also obvious but I hesitated to acknowledge because it involved the Jewish people and I didnâ €™ t want the Anti - Semitic League coming after me . This clue was apparent because we were doing the workshop right in the heart of an affluent Hasidic Jewish community . But how these two clues would create a template was still not known . That all changed on Saturday . was broken by two of the participants , a Feline and the Orb . When asked why they were late , the Feline didnâ €™ t take long in seeing her part and apologizing . The Orb on the other hand took being to hard on this little Orb person . It was easy to see that the Felineâ €™ s original apology wasnâ €™ t as sincere as we thought from the way she defended the Orb . I guess you could say it took broken . So how did we get that the template was between the Jews and the Felines from this interaction , especially in light of the fact that the greatest conflict involved an Orb ? Good question . In comes the galactic perspective . . . this is where you really find out what is going on . Felines and Orbs have been working together for many eons of time . The Orbs are in service to other dimensions and timelines . Consequently , Felines feel a special need to care for the Orbs . When out of balance this can lead to care taking on the part of the Felines . When they do this they are enabling the Orbs and not allowing them to evolve by taking responsibility for their actions . last remnant of the Feline consciousness on Earth . The Felines are an amazing species but like all species , they have their weaknesses . The most challenging weakness is their unwillingness to see how they seek to control others . With a tendency towards unity consciousness they prefer to remain [ together and ] keep to their own kind and donâ €™ t encourage unions outside . If they do choose to bring an outsider in , the outsider is strongly encouraged to convert to the Feline ways . Another challenge is that in educating their children in commerce , banking , politics , industry , etc . In that way their children can move into key positions in a society . Within a few generations , they can be in control of these keys areas . If one takes an honest look at the history of the Jewish people , one will see this pattern . Going further , with such a pattern , abuse of power and learning how to own it and apologize are lessons that must be learned . This template was about taking responsibility for abusing power , owning up to it and sincerely apologizing . Both the Feline and the Orb had to do this . If we are to reclaim our power we must first take responsibility for when we abuse it . As such we cannot be victims . The Jews or tribe of Judah are the â € œbig brothersâ € to the other 11 tribes As such they ar the ones to show the way and provide a role model for how to do things in a more balanced and compassionate manner . This template provided a way for them to do that . . . to step out of victim - hood and own when they have abused their power both individually and collectively . I thank all those who participated in this template . I thank the Lori , the Feline , and Roxanne , our resident Orb for taking on the roles to show us the way . JelailaReference : Processing . . . Waiting . . . Accessing the Multidimensional Library . . . Seeing , Hearing , Feeling , Reflecting , Opening . . . Therapy and HealingFelines Calli and Cleo Forgiveness and Compassion Healing Template - A Fitting TributeBill wanted me to write this up and tell what happened this morning to both of our one year old kittens . We have some very very sad news to share . This morning around 10 : 30 a . m . two black and white husky mix dogs were running loose and attacked and mauled Calli and Cleo . The kittens both died . We cornered the dogs and called animal control , then the owner showed up and he understood why I had to call animal control . The owner and wife were issued tickets for the dogs for letting them run loose and also vicious dog warnings because they killed the two kittens . Bill and Rebecca rushed the kittens to the vet office but they were already too far gone to be revived . The couple that own the dogs said that their three year old daughter wanted to feed the dogs and opened the gate and they got out . This has been a very emotional time at our house this morning . Calli and Cleo will be sadly missed as we all loved them very very much . PatClarification and Understanding Healing templates come in all sizes and shapes from the scale of being global wide down to nation wide down to state wide and down to community wide as well as down to among a few individuals . One of the features of the Calli and Cleo Healing Template that Pat didn 't mentioned was how profusely everyone in the event exclaimed how very sorry they were that the two dogs had mauled and killed the two felines . This was remarkably noticeable to me [ Bill ] starting with when Rebecca and I rushed the two mauled bodies over to the vet 's office . It was Sunday and the vet 's office was closed but there was an emergency number posted by the door . In the rush to get Calli and Cleo over to the vet 's office Rebecca and I had forgotten to take our cellphones with us . However there was an older man standing at the office door when we drove up . He was turning around to go back to his car as we drove up . I got out of the car and realizing Rebecca and I didn 't have our cell phones and couldn 't call the emergency vet phone number , after he yelled over to me that there was no one in the office I asked him if he had a cellphone and would he call the emergency number for us as we had two kittens mauled by dogs laying in the back seat of the car . He immediately tried to call the emergency number but that resulted in being given another number to call which was all very confusing . In the meantime I ran around to the side of the vet 's office building and knocked several times on the window just in case someone was inside . A woman appeared from an inside doorway vet 's office and placed them on the counter in one of the rooms . After the woman who turned out to be the vet on - call listened to the two kittens and felt their bodies she said they were too far gone . That the trauma to their bodies had been too great as she could feel broken ribs and bones and they were dead . At this point the older man as well as the dead . They had been on lines off the front porch to protect them from straying off into our busy street in front of the house . They were also on the lines because we had not yet had them fixed though they were scheduled for a visit to the vet 's office on the 18th of August to get them fixed . After which time I would be allowing them to go outside and not be on the lines . It was because the kittens were tied via their collars to the lines that they died when the two large dogs came around and assaulted them . Calli and Cleo were completely innocent and helpless their lives as small innocent beings and I felt very badly that I had placed them in this situation however and was unable to sense that trouble was brewing and that the kittens were in danger . Our whole family loved those two kittens and it was very emotional and sad that this happened . After Rebecca and I returned home from the vet 's office , the Animal Control woman and the husband and wife owners of the two dogs feed the dogs and had not latched the gate or door properly and the dogs had gotten loose and wandered off . In fact their family lived nearly a half mile north from our house and somehow the dogs had made their way to our house while the husband and wife were out looking for them . The husband just happened to drive by after Rebecca and I had left the Animal Control woman that we did not wish to do anything to the dogs or charge the husband and wife as this was really nobody 's fault including the little three year old girl who had accidentally let the dogs escape . And I told Pat that this incident was about compassion and not vengeance to which she readily agreed even though she was sobbing and crying because her and Rebecca 's kitten had just died . I told the Animal Control woman to handle the situation the way she would ordinarily but that we didn 't want any blame to be placed on them from us . After reflecting about the event yesterday now I have come to see it Cleo for being such brave little Feline beings . You will be sadly missed by our family and we hope to see you again sometime later . Goodbye little Callie and Cleo . . . until we meet again . . . So be it . . . Namaste Jul 27 12 7 : 46 PM Awoke at 4 : 30 a . m . having gone to bed at 12 : 45 a . m . earlier . Got up for a bathroom trip then laid back down . Some time passed . . . I clearly saw a brightly glowing light bulb with a pull cord hanging from its ceiling fixture . . . more time passed . . . I was standing in the small hallway by the front door . . . toward my right were the steps to the upstairs level of the house . . . in my two hands I was holding a large rectangular mirror with a fancy ornate frame . . . as if expecting visitors I turned to look out the small window at eye level in the upper part of the front door . . . then I turned back inwards again . . . and I saw that the large rectangular mirror with the fancy ornate frame now contained an image that was suggestive of a traditional Christian motif something to do with a cross . . . I continued waiting for visitors to come . . . time passed . . . I got up out of bed , turned on the bedside light and noticed the time was 5 : 15 a . m . so I decided to get up for the day . . . Yesterday was a big day for our oldest daughter , Rebecca , who lives with us . . . at noon we ( Rebecca , wife and I ) drove over to PetCo to meet Betsy from Columbia Second Chance who was bringing Rebecca 's new dog . . . Rebecca is becoming a new foster mother for a two year seven month old medium sized brown Basset Hound . . . he has an old eye injury that has resulted in the loss of one eye though he seems not to miss it . . . he will need to have heart - worm treatment in the near future . . . he is a sweet fellow . . . Rebecca met her new foster dog and they got along just fine . . . on the way home we picked out a new name for him . . . his new name is Sammy . . . Sammy settled in easily at our home and seems to love being around our four cats as well . . . curiously even though Sammy has limited vision he seems to have adapted very quickly and nicely to his new home environment . . . Bill wanted me to write this up and tell what happened this morning to both of our one year old kittens . We have some very very sad news to share . This morning around 10 : 30 a . m . two black and whitalso vicious dog warnings because they killed the two kittens . Bill and Rebecca rushed the kittens to the vet office but they were already too far gone to be revived . The couple that own the dogs said that their three year old daughter wanted to feed the dogs and opened the gate and they got out . This has been a very emotional time at our house this morning . Calli and Cleo will be sadly missed as we all loved them very very much . PatSo be it ! . . . Namaste Jul 28 12 3 : 49 AM Went to bed last night ( i . e . actually early this now day Saturday , 28 July 2012 ) at 12 : 07 a . m . after a very busy day . . . Overview : working online ( i . e . using the Universal Intelligence Web Internet System which is literally a reasonable emulation analogy to the existing physical world version of the currently existing World Wide Web Internet System ) with a very few close friends to help bring further enlightenment to them ( and thus indirectly to many others for their enlightenment as eventually they will discover the Power Of The Word which is " the coin of the realm " in the greater world ) . . . by work I mean that each of the several online friends are at various stages of enlightenment or awakening to what is in fact the actual nature of our Humanity 's Hidden Great Collective Nature ( i . e . greater reality ) elucidating the relationship between the physical world and the spiritual world . . . the span of this great work covers individuals of differing degrees of awareness or non awareness from a woman I recently met ( Monday 23 July 2012 ) while waiting for a bus to arrive at the local mall bus stop to ride home . . . to in - between understandings individuals all the way up to advanced adepts ( i . e . people who actually know " The Big Secret " ) in the art of sexual persuasion to help enlighten others and get them to move further along the path to enlightenment . . . well , " The Big Secret " is about to be revealed and although I AM not entirely aware of the actual date it could be 20 October 2012 or as early as 31 July . . . the reason for the uncertainty is that I AM have not been given sufficient clues ( i . e . synchronistic events ) yet to determine the actual date of " The Event " . . . but I beg of all of you to " Fear Not ! " . . [ Insights 15 July 2012 : The Ascension Process Journey - " It 's all about facing and conquering your most powerful inner fears ! " ( Voyager S2E23 : " The Thaw " ) ] . . for overcoming one 's inner most intimate and frightening fears is the goal of the process which allows the attainment of " The Keys to Heaven " [ DreamEdited 30 times by Billy2024 Jul 28 12 8 : 09 AM .
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This will be another of those blog posts that I consider a work in progress . It 's not my favorite thing , but sometimes it 's a necessary step to finding my better way . I started writing this June 10 . I came back to it at least twice but was never pleased with how it was going . But I want to share the story and pictures . So here I am again . My new realization is that I can do this in parts . So , here goes to Part 1 : A few weeks ago she called and asked if the first week of June would work . It looked fine on my calendar , but so often that changes at the last minute . Still , we penciled it in . We had no set plans , but one idea we had considered was driving to Pawhuska to visit The Mercantile - - the restaurant , bakery and store opened less than a year ago by The Pioneer Woman , Ree Drummond , in her hometown . We didn 't have firm plans for the next day , but I was grateful that Becky is laid - back enough that I could let her stay at the house with Gene while I went to my Monday morning prayer time at church . I thought we would leave pretty soon after lunch to go to Oklahoma City 's Bricktown entertainment district , but humidity made the outside air seem pretty unbearable by 1 p . m . So we were content to stay in the house and visit most of the afternoon . " Wonder Woman " was a perfect choice for two sisters on a girls ' gadabout ( as another sister aptly labeled our adventures ) . With me being a former longtime journalist and her a former history teacher , we agreed not to overthink the movie and instead just be entertained . And we were . ( We wanted to take a picture in front of the " Wonder Woman " poster but couldn 't find one , so we just got the theater in the background . ) it had cooled enough that we could enjoy a stroll along the Bricktown Canal to find something to eat and decide what was next . Before we had gotten too far , it was time to head to the Mustang convertible . I wanted to show Becky some of the development of downtown , including where I used to work , the Myriad Gardens and where the Stage Center , where she remembered watching me perform in the Oklahoma City Gridiron Show , once stood . As we rode in the now - pleasant evening air , she reminded me that she had never been to the Oklahoma City Memorial . Although it was getting late , we stopped to spend some time at the beautiful yet heartrending tribute to the April 19 , 1995 , bombing of the Alfred P . Murrah Federal Building that claimed 168 lives , including 19 children . She and I agree she must come back , hopefully with her husband and - or some of her kids and grandkids , when she can spend more time there . ( If you want to know more about the Oklahoma City Memorial and Museum , go to https : / / oklahomacitynationalmemorial . org / ) In the three photos above , the Gates of Time ( 9 : 01 and 9 : 03 ) , flank the Field of Empty Chairs that represent the 168 people who died as a result of the bombing . Above , The Survivor Tree , an American Elm , bore witness to the violence of April 19 , 1995 , and withstood the full force of the attack . Years later , By now , it was past 9 p . m . , and we knew we wanted to get an early start Tuesday for the 2 ½ - hour drive to Pawhuska , not knowing how much time we would need to explore the Pioneer Woman 's Merc as well as the Lodge where she films her cooking show for The Food Network . So we headed back to the Mustang for a top - down cruise back to Norman , but this time I insisted on trying to get a picture before we headed onto the highway . Unfortunately , the light wasn 't good , and my phone won 't let me use flash on a selfie . ( We " staged " the other two photos the next morning , when cooler heads prevailed and we opted not to drive all the way to Pawhuska - - or even just out of Norman - - with the ragtop down . ) As I seek to regain my voice as a writer , I thought I 'd try something different . How about some pictures ? These should be worth thousands of words . The first picture shows Samsonite luggage my parents gave me when I graduated 40 years ago in May , Muenster High School class of 1977 . This summer , I 've been trying to cut through some clutter in my house . When my United Methodist Women 's group was seeking donations of " luggage that closes " to help out women at a local shelter , I thought of these pieces in the attic . I probably haven 't used these in 20 years , and yet some nostalgia kicked in as I thought of letting them go . I was reminded that pictures can preserve the memories , so I snapped this after doing a pretty thorough cleaning to remove layers of dust . I hope they were able to help someone get a fresh start . The second picture shows my sister Becky and her husband , Tom , whose marriage was new as of June 18 , 1977 . They celebrated their 40th anniversary on Sunday , and they are still going strong . No need for a fresh start here ! I guess this is the place where I 'm supposed to draw some profound conclusion or make a keen observation . The thing that comes to mind is that the luggage looks old and outdated and I can only hope it had some use left in it and celebrate that I was able to let it go . Becky and Tom , meanwhile , look young and vibrant and full of joy . There 's no question they have a lot left to offer this world , starting with those smiles ! What a privilege to honor and celebrate their love ! I know the problem , but I don 't know the solution . I enjoy gathering information but I have a hard time putting that information into readable form . I 've always envied people who could experience something and immediately know how they would write about it . I 've always gone at it backwards : I start writing and eventually organize it into something readable . It has at times produced impressive results , but it 's seldom a fast approach . I wouldn 't recommend it to anyone . I thought now that I don 't have deadline pressure , the words might start to flow more easily . So far that hasn 't happened . I 'm stuck in the dreaded and familiar traffic jam on the expressway of my thoughts . Here 's what 's stopping me : I am my own worst critic and judge . With singing , I fear I will be off - key and agonizing for people to hear ; as a writer , I fear I will be boring , inaccurate or irrelevant . How many times have I let that self - criticism stop me in my tracks ? The perfect time never comes . Just do it . I may not feel ready for my sister to visit . But if I wait until I feel ready , it will never happen . So just say yes . Just say yes . Say yes to working with someone in my 12 step program as her sponsor . Say yes to committing to donate stuff . Say yes to sing . Say yes to serve communion . Say yes to God . Say yes ! Wayne Hooker was one of those people with a personality that could not be ignored . On the surface , he could seem gruff , ornery , maybe even a bit of a trouble - maker . He definitely had a sense of humor , but he didn 't hesitate to let another person be the butt of one of his jokes or pranks . I was among those who felt a sense of pity for his sweet wife , Kathy . I 'm not sure when I started to notice how much more there was to Wayne than that . I know it should have been much earlier . But I may not have really noticed until watching him and Kathy serving when Goodrich United Methodist Church was part of the Angel Tree food ministry . In more recent years , I became more and more aware of how much service they provided and how much of a team they were . But several things were quickly clear . First , Wayne was not going to let a cancer diagnosis get the best of him . He was going to stay active as long as he could . Second , he was not going to let it steal his personality . Even when the pain made it difficult , he seemed to find a way to make people laugh or at least smile . Right after Easter , I wanted to go by for a visit . I knew a lot of people took food , flowers or other gifts when they visited . Cooking isn 't my thing , but God put it on my heart to see if Wayne and Kathy might welcome a song or two . I remember as I was driving to their house , knowing that he was already to a point of having some pretty rough days in which he preferred not to have company , I wondered what he would be like , even on a better day . I prayed that no matter how he was feeling , I wanted to be a bright spot . I wanted to bring a smile , if not a laugh . Before I got ready to leave , I explained that I didn 't bring food or flowers , but that I would like to sing a hymn or two , if he thought he would like that . He asked if I had the accompaniment on my phone . I said no - - I can sing without that . And so I did . " Praise God From Whom All Blessings Flow " and " Great Is Thy Faithfulness . " Praise , prayer and hope through a song . My heart overflowed with joy for these precious people . The next time I called about visiting , Kathy said Wayne did not feel up to having visitors . I mailed a card that Wednesday instead , as I prepared to head for a long weekend in Arkansas , Wayne 's native state and the home of his beloved Razorbacks . While I was there on Sunday , I learned that Wayne had died . And then I learned that he had asked Kathy to ask me and fellow church and choir member Shirley Franklin to sing a duet of " Amazing Grace " at his celebration of life . Now , Shirley is an amazing singer . I love to sing , as well , and have actually sang at funerals and celebrations of life . But our voices are quite different . As Shirley tried to explain to Kathy , it 's like a mashup of " a little bit country " and a " little bit rock ' n ' roll " ( although I don 't know which voice would be which in that equation ; I thought it might be more like oil and water - - something that would not blend easily at all ) . Kathy asked if we should instead do separate songs , but Shirley insisted that , no , we should and would honor Wayne 's request . We accepted the challenge in his amazing ( or twisted ) spirit . And we trusted that God would either bless it - - or we could blame it on our departed friend ! ! ! ! ! I must admit that , along the way , I stressed out a bit . I felt certain Shirley would do a much better job if she just sang " Amazing Grace " as a solo . But I was determined to trust God and to honor and respect Wayne . Shirley had urged me , " Don 't overthink it , Pat . " But I do overthink things . And God 's grace saves me , again and again and again . It was an honor and a privilege to share in the celebration of Wayne 's life . I thank God for the gift of joy He gave me through Wayne 's life and the heart of " Amazing Grace . " I pray in faith that God 's amazing grace will bless and sustain his family as they move forward in these days ahead . " He has made everything suitable for its time ; moreover he has put a sense of past and future into their minds , yet they cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end . I know that there is nothing better for them than to be happy and enjoy themselves as long as they live ; moreover , it is God 's gift that all should eat and drink and take pleasure in all their toil . I know that whatever God does endures forever ; nothing can be added to it , nor anything taken from it ; God has done this , so that all should stand in awe before him . " ( Ecclesiastes 3 : 11 - 14 ) https : / / youtu . be / QldiSN08ooQ And I 've got nothing to share . No , that 's not true . I have a lot to share , but I don 't have time to think it out and put it into words . Last week I accomplished some things I had doubts about . I was grateful as the week went along and I felt my confidence growing that I would be able to follow through on a couple of goals . An area where I had struggled and struggled to even get started finally seemed reasonable to take some action on that might achieve a noticeable result . As I saw it happening , I prayed that it might become a foundation for continuing success at breaking through some of my inertia . This week , I still have greater confidence than usual that I can achieve my goals , and I have already had some success . I also have to face the reality that I may have waited too long to start a couple of projects I hoped to complete this week but really don 't even know how to do what I want to get done . So I 'm having to assess and consider reprioritizing . It 's too early to decide whether I need to go a different direction , but it 's good for me to be aware of my options . keep wanting to know exactly what I 'm supposed to do and how to do it effectively and efficiently , yes , even perfectly . In Your love , Lord , You seem to be telling me that 's not Your plan for my life . Yes , You have a plan for my life , and yes , it involves sacrifice and service as well as blessings and honor . But it 's not necessarily something that 's going to be clear to me . I just have to have faith as I take step after step , seeking Your face and loving You and Yours always . I do not consider that I have made it my own . But one thing I do : forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead , I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus . " ( Philippians 3 : 12 - 14 ) Where distractions led today . . . . I have no reason to think I 'm dying anytime soon , and I definitely hope that is the case . But as I try to find motivation to FINALLY cut through years of clutter in my home and life , the best seems to be when I contemplate what 's going to happen to my stuff when I 'm gone from this Earth . ( The other thing that gets me going is to realize that , someday , I will need to move from this house . How much easier it will be if I 've already streamlined and simplified ! ) Part of the devotion , written by Wendy Orellana of Venezuela , said : " When I find myself striving for success , I have to ask myself : Am I putting my time to good use ? Am I really living as if this were my last day ? These and other questions help transform my thinking . God , who is rich in mercy , gives us opportunities again and again to repent of our wrongdoings and foolishness . When we do so , we can feel reborn . " He asked : " How strongly do you desire deeper relationship with him ? " ( Very strongly . I want to say very strongly . But I know my actions don 't match that response . ) " How much would you give up to know him ? " ( That 's where I 'm convicted . I feel like I strongly desire deeper relationship , but I 'm not willing to give up much of myself , even as dissatisfied with myself as I often am . ) " What do you seek fulfillment in The discipline included meditation on the depth of God 's love for me . Among the suggested Scriptures for meditation : " Looking to Jesus , the founder and perfecter of our faith , who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross , despising the shame , and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God . Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself , so that you A final step was to respond to God 's love by loving God : " Spend time simply adoring him . Spend time in solitude sitting with him , encountering his heart , and giving him your own . He paid the highest price for you just to be able have a relationship with him . So take time keep wanting to know exactly what I 'm supposed to do and how to do it effectively and efficiently , yes , even perfectly . In Your love , Lord , You seem to be telling me that 's not Your plan for my life . Yes , You have a plan for my life , and yes , it involves sacrifice and service as well as blessings and honor . But it 's not necessarily something that 's going to be clear to me . I just have to have faith as I take step after step , seeking Your face and loving You and Yours always . ) I do not consider that I have made it my own . But one thing I do : forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead , I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus . " ( Philippians 3 : 12 - 14 ) When I read Jesus Calling this morning and one of the Scriptures was 2 Corinthians 12 : 9 , I thought it would have been perfect to use with the blog I posted yesterday about my inability to make any real progress on becoming more organized and productive : " And He has said to me , ' My grace is sufficient for you , for power is perfected in weakness . ' Most gladly , therefore , I will rather boast about my weaknesses , so that the power of Christ may dwell in me . " ( 2 Corinthians 12 : 9 , New American Standard Bible ) Then I turned to my daily First 15 reading , where I saw this title : " His Grace Is Sufficient . " Of course , I knew the Scripture : " But he said to me , ' My grace is sufficient for you , for my power is made perfect in weakness . ' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses , so that the power of Christ may rest upon me . " ( English Standard Version ) I still wasn 't prepared for what I saw when I turned to my third daily reading , The Upper Room . The title was " Diamonds in the Rough , " and the quoted Scripture was : The Lord said to Paul , " My grace is sufficient for you , for my power is made perfect in weakness . " ( New International Version ) In Jesus Calling , author Sarah Young writes that our lack is " an opportunity to latch onto ( Jesus ) in unashamed dependence . When you begin a day with inadequate resources , you must concentrate your efforts on the present moment . This is where you are meant to live - - in the present . " It is the place where God awaits . In First 15 , Craig Denison wrote : " We serve a God who turns our greatest weakness into our greatest strength . In his grace , all he asks of us is to have a heart open , willing and receptive to him . Our God is one who comes down to us and lays down his life that we might live through him . . . . He has given up any form of personal gain to devote his entire existence to paving the way for us to have restored relationship with our heavenly Father . " That is the stumbling block and the challenge . Can I trust what Christ says about God , that His grace is sufficient ? Can I believe it is sufficient even when my shortcomings cause me to feel ashamed or less than or judged by others , or when I sense the tension or discomfort my shortcomings produce in my relationships with others ? It is very , very hard for me to trust God above my sensitivity to how others feel about me . And that 's a big source of the tension that keeps me from finding my best way . Am I really trusting God when I worry so much about what others think ? But it seems selfish to not think of how my actions , inactions and shortcomings affect others , especially those closest to me . I keep thinking I 've FINALLY discovered what I need to know and will actually do to be more organized and prepared and productive and efficient . And each new program or routine quickly loses its luster , and I 'm back to my old ways and wondering what happened . And I end up back at just for today . One day at a time . Progress not perfection . Here I am again . I 'm not sure everyone has to keep it this simple . But experience and practice indicate that I do . Experience also suggests I won 't give up on trying to find some perfect plan . Will I ever get it figured out ? It seems I 'll only know one day at a time . In the meantime , these are some of the concepts and ideas that guide me and give me hope : One day at a time . Progress not perfection . Focus on what I have , not what I don 't have . Love . " Because of the Lord 's great love we are not consumed , for His compassions never fail . They are new every morning ; great is Your faithfulness . " ( Lamentations 3 : 22 - 23 , New International Version ) Posted by Maybe it 's more of a calling than a gift . I just know that I love to sing praises to God . I love to encourage people . And I love when God offers opportunities for me to encourage people by singing praises to God . Singing almost always makes me smile . Sometimes I sing and smile through tears , and God creates the beauty of prisms for me to view through . Another gift . As I act on opportunities to share my singing gift to God 's glory , He also helps me see other ways I can share His love . That 's the key : Seeking His guidance on how to share His love . It starts with taking time to feel His love and offer my love to Him in return . That brings joy , which overflows in a smile . On March 1 , Ash Wednesday , I had written : I can 't escape the pull to a Lenten season of repentance and reflection . But , as usual , I have been unsure of what shape that will take for me . Is it sacrifice ? Discipline ? Service ? Bible study ? Fellowship ? Does it have to be daily or can it evolve over the 40 days , not including Sundays , leading up to Easter . And then , this morning , I TOOK THREE THINGS OUT of one of the bags I had filled ! ! ! Later , I went shopping . I bought greeting cards , Easter trinkets and two hairbands . So , instead of getting rid of stuff , I bought more . But I took three of the cards and the trinkets as I visited women who are in care facilities or homebound . One did not respond to my knock on the door , so I left the card and Easter cross at the front desk . The other two eagerly greeted me and we shared smiles and laughs and encouragement . One said my visit turned her day around as she was starting to feel discouraged . The other said my stopping by was perfectly timed , and I was able to retrieve her letters and magazines from the mailbox . " Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves , and their religion is worthless . Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this : to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world . " James 1 : 26 - 27 The lapse in the written disciplines came at the same time I realized I might not fill another bag , which was during or right after a weeklong trip to Houston and other parts of Texas . And as is always the case for me , I 'm having a very hard time getting back on track with these endeavors . But I haven 't given up . very doable daily goal . So , I realized again the value of " progress not perfection . " . . . A big part of how I experience humility is through having to let go of perfectionism . The process continues . I also found myself hopeful that the spiritual focus of Lent would help me regain a sense of purpose or direction that has been missing even before I lost my job . While writing March 22 , I was reminded of the importance of pursuing my passion . What came to mind then , as it has before , was that " my passion is to help and encourage others . . . . I want to write . I want to sing , And I want to help and encourage others , to God 's glory . " write encouraging words . That 's what I 've been doing , but it hasn 't seemed significant . But maybe that 's because I haven 't believed in its merit . . . . . Of course , I also wrote down this truth : I have to live my life one day at a time . So , even though I wrote my goal down as something I hope to achieve for an event next March , I cannot take much time thinking about the results . I 'll be busy enough planning what I need to do and then doing it . of control . In order to let go of something that is precious to you , you need to rest in My Presence , where you are complete . . . . As you relax more and more , your grasping hand gradually opens up , releasing your prized possession into My care . " Is it sacrifice ? Discipline ? Service ? Bible study ? Fellowship ? I 've had unexpected , surprising and rewarding opportunities for fellowship . Many required me to get out of my comfort zone . And , as my faith grows , it 's getting a little less uncomfortable to do so . It 's often a challenge for me to interact with others without meddling . I often have to ask prayerfully : Is this God 's plan ? Or is this just me trying to control a situation and do what I want to do ? I never do it without praying , including a request that God stop me from intruding if it 's not His will . Still , it 's not always clear . And I 'm very aware that it doesn 't follow the rules of etiquette . But I also know that God 's ways are not always our ways and don 't always follow the rules of man or etiquette experts . From March 31 : I 'm grateful to realize I 'm also having more success at inviting others to join me . I just remembered another case in which I will follow through tomorrow . Reaching out , whether to invite someone to join me or to ask if I can join someone else , requires me to face some fears and self - doubt , which I can only do by trusting in God . And He is always faithful to be present with me if I will allow him to . By April 8 , I was again more aware of my shortcomings than my strengths . Writing helped me to remember what I want and need to focus on : Purpose . Priorities . Passion . Persistence . Progress not perfection . Payoff . Production . Perseverance . Prayer . Praise . To the glory of God , by whom we know , via Romans 8 : 28 , that all things work together for good to them that love God , to them who are the called according to his purpose . don 't know how to practice to get better . I just go by instinct . Is that God 's best for me - - and I just need to go with it and trust Him with it ? Or am I being lazy and unfocused ? humility . Now if I can just take the next step , to obedience . Not my will , but Yours , Lord , I pray . Maybe this year I will . " I can be strong and courageous . I will not be afraid or tremble , for the Lord goes with me . He will not fail or forsake me . " ( Isaiah 41 : 10 ) All things work together for good for those who believe . . . I 've seen this spiritual truth in new light . The strong cord of two people working together . Better together . Together for good . And grateful to be working together for good . This awareness came to me as I thought about my continual starts and stops . My inconsistency . Remembering what I want and need to focus on : Purpose . Priorities . Passion . Persistence . Progress not perfection . Payoff . Production . Perseverance . Prayer . Praise . To the glory of God , by whom we know , via Romans 8 : 28 , that all things work together for good to them that love God , to them who are the called according to his purpose . And I 'm thinking , yeah , maybe . He does have a wry sense of humor . But I kept thinking , this is not something to joke about . Too many people would take it very seriously and might not be very forgiving . I called my husband as I drove home and talked about it some . Times have changed , and maybe this is an OK way to make an announcement now . But it still didn 't seem right that it was on a public page instead of something first just to the church . It wasn 't long before I was home . I went in the house . On the kitchen counter , I saw my mail , and , oh yeah , there 's that envelope from the church . I recalled thinking , when I brought the letter into the house before I left for the evening , that they were probably asking for something - - money , maybe , or perhaps they have a position to fill . I realize I had made some assumptions when I saw it . So now , back home , I opened it , and sure enough , it was a letter dated March 30 in which my pastor said he was sad to announce that he was being moved to a different church . So , I was like , OK , God , ha ha , I was just at a program on faith and anxiety and trusting God . And without a doubt , that already had put me in a frame of mind and spirit where I wasn 't fearful or anxious about this unexpected news . I was just curious . And I was praying . My friend and I were praying . We were like : We don 't know what 's going on , but we 're lifting up Jim and April and our church and the church it says he 's going to and everyone involved . And then when I got home and read this ( and it was also in the newsletter that had arrived via email ) , it was just clear that God was in charge . I had it in my hands . I didn 't open it . I think clearly , I can see , that was God 's intent . I mean , it was in my hand and I did not open it . So , I think that timing was divine . I know that when I write about these things , I need to be careful in determining : Why am I wanting to write about this ? Is this of God ? As I try to work past a multiyear bout of writer 's block , my tendency is to hold back from fear or doubt about what people will think . I haven 't regained my writing " voice " and I have more doubt than confidence about the merit of my prose . But with faith in God , I can be fearless before man . So , I seek to pray and discern : Is it kind ? Is it true ? Is it necessary ? Is it helpful ? Is it positive ? I guess my point this time , as I wrote at the beginning , is that things aren 't always what they seem . And that 's OK . Yesterday provided many opportunities for me to practice and grow my faith . And it provided me another exercise for trying to figure out what I want to write about and how . ( I think I fared better on the former than the latter , but they intertwine . ) I invite myself places . I did it again today . The results turn out good for me , but I 'm sure it violates all the rules of etiquette . I try to make it clear to the other person that they can say no , if he or she would rather me not come along , and sometimes that 's what they do . It just seems like if I wait for someone to invite me , I 'll end up doing things alone or not at all . What I 've noticed about this is that it 's easier for me to ask if I can go along to someone else 's event than it is for me to invite someone to come to mine . That 's partly because when I have invited someone , it usually hasn 't worked out , which makes it harder for me to try again . Plus , I 'm always doubting whether anyone would really be interested in what interests me . ( Bassmaster Classic , anyone ? I actually had a pleasant surprise when friends did accept my invitation and enjoyed getting to know about this distinctive fishing event . ) Another part of it is that it really does seem like God put this opportunity in front of me . I had been wanting to see the friend . I missed my regularly scheduled spiritual gatherings this week . Through Facebook , I became aware of Ladies Night at her church , with the program on Fear and Anxiety . And then my husband planned a quick trip that would take him away from home overnight , so I would have been alone for the evening . But was it really God 's plan ? Or was this just me trying to control a situation and do what I wanted to do ? The fact that I called my friend was pretty far from the norm for me and a clue that divine intervention was involved . Looking back at where I started this , I 'm sure I 'm OK with being aware of those habits . The first one , my casual way of saying no , should be fairly easy to correct now that I have it in mind . " No , thank you " will be my preferred response . As for inviting myself to do things with other people , I choose to see it as following the prompting of God . I never do it without praying , including a request that God stop me from intruding if it 's not His will . Still , it 's not always clear . And I 'm very aware that it doesn 't follow the rules of etiquette . But I also know that God 's ways are not always our ways and don 't always follow the rules of man or etiquette experts . I 'm grateful to realize I 'm also having more success at inviting others to join me . I just remembered another case in which I will follow through tomorrow . Reaching out , whether to invite someone to join me or to ask if I can join someone else , requires me to face some fears and self - doubt , which I can only do by trusting in God . And He is always faithful to be present with me if I will allow him to , " I can be strong and courageous . I will not be afraid or tremble , for the Lord goes with me . He will not fail or forsake me . " ( Isaiah 41 : 10 ) By Saturday afternoon , I had written down a goal that still excites me four days later . I 've even considered some of the steps and discipline it will take to achieve the goal . I will need some new skills and to refresh and refine some old ones . I have to live my life one day at a time . So , even though I wrote my goal down as something I hope to achieve for an event next March , I cannot take much time thinking about the results . I 'll be busy enough planning what I need to do and then doing it . of control . In order to let go of something that is precious to you , you need to rest in My Presence , where you are complete . . . . As you relax more and more , your grasping hand gradually opens up , releasing your prized possession into My care . " But how ? I 'm still stuck , but today it seems a little clearer : I need to write encouraging words . That 's what I 've been doing , but it hasn 't seemed significant . But maybe that 's because I haven 't believed in its merit . Among my New Year 's goals was to write more . I planned to schedule at least 30 minutes for writing most days . It took a while , but eventually I started doing it . The thing I 've noticed recently is that not only is it hard for me to get started at something new ; it 's hard for me to keep at it . Even when I like the process and the results of new actions , it 's not unusual for me to notice a week or two later that I 've lapsed . I can think of at least three such instances in which this has happened regarding major goals , including writing , since the start of the year . I 've added to my spreadsheet a line for the results . Several days , I had gotten to where I was just writing the wishes / goals and the results . But after I realized I was missing the middle steps , I 've returned to the full practice . At my best , I also include another extra step : scheduling some of the most important goals onto my day 's calendar . Working on all these steps helps me to prioritize and reprioritize throughout the day , and that helps me to be more effective . And that brings me a sense of peace that I 've desired for a long time . Now , as a person of lifelong Christian faith and a member of a 12 - step recovery program for most of my adult life , it might seem I should be far beyond needing such rigorous structure outside of either of those affiliations . And I certainly don 't want it to sound like this WOOP and scheduling structure is the answer . It 's really just a tool that I am able to use as a result of continuing efforts to grow as a person of faith , seeking to know and do God 's will , to His glory . Ash Wednesday . I can 't escape the pull to a Lenten season of repentance and reflection . But , as usual , I have been unsure of what shape that will take for me . Is it sacrifice ? Discipline ? Service ? Bible study ? Fellowship ? Does it have to be daily or can it evolve over the 40 days , not including Sundays , leading up to Easter . " The purpose for Ash Wednesday , ushering in Lent , is to repent of our sins and to reflect on our Lord and Savior and His great gift to us by saving us by His grace alone from the wrath of a righteous God . It is NOT to promote a political agenda or a perceived social issue . Once we move the focus from God , His Love and Grace and our repentance and reflection , we are promoting falsity . It is time for a reawakening of the churches who have strayed from God 's Will and Purpose . " I was also aware after filling one bag that I couldn 't even tell anything was missing from my possessions . And that 's often what it 's like after I 've spent time trying to get honest and prayerful about my sins and shortcomings and asking God to help me release them to Him , to His glory . Even when I take a step of progress in this area , the magnitude of faults and shortcomings still seems overwhelming . During the Ash Wednesday service at church , I prayed to know what God would have me do . On the way home , I was thinking about how fasting is mentioned as part of the spiritual discipline for Lent . Here it was 7 : 45 p . m . , and I hadn 't chosen to " fast " anything . It occurred to me I could sacrifice my evening snack . And guess what ? I was not willing to do that . So I rationalized that giving up some of my possessions ( so far , clothes , shoes and bags ) that I 've clung to is a type of fast . But I 'm not convinced . The Lenten devotional I started with today is one published by United Methodist Women . The theme is " Wearing the Mantel of Faith . " I 'm new to the UMW , so I don 't really know what to expect from its Lenten focus . And now I see that may not be a series . So . . . I have no idea what my reading focus will be tomorrow . As it turns out , it looks like this Lenten journey will be another evolution . I really don 't know where it will take me . But I am confident where it will lead me : to Easter and a renewed spirit of faith in the Risen Christ and the power of God 's sacrificial gift of love for me . In recent days , I 've been making a pretty detailed list of what I hope to accomplish in that 24 hours . I use it to set goals and to prioritize and reprioritize as the day goes along . Even though I typically end up deciding some of the things are not priorities and can be crossed off the list or moved to another day , overall I think the list has helped me daily to get more done . Saturday , the list was filled with opportunities and desires that I didn 't see how could work out . During my devotional time as I walked on the treadmill before showering and getting on with my day , I read that I could ask God to show me His plans for the day and he would reveal them . It never seems to work that way for me , but I did pray to know , trusting that God would be in control even if it didn 't seem clear to me what His plans were . It doesn 't usually happen this was for me , but as the day unfolded , it became crystal clear that God in fact was revealing his plans for the day , equipping me to do my part and blessing me and , I pray , others along the way . Not only did I get the things on my list done , some things came up that most days would have stressed me out , thinking there was no way to add another thing . Instead , step by step , it seemed clear how this would work . And I continued to be energized and blessed , thanking God all along the way . I was aware of a feeling that I like : All things seemed possible . When I have a day like that , I always hope it will be the start of some consistency in productive days . So , even though Sunday 's list again had what looked like too much to do , I was optimistic it would unfold just as gloriously . And maybe it did . But it didn 't seem like it . Instead , I was weary and easily distracted . Things didn 't fall into place smoothly . Although I got a lot done and much was good , by the end of the day I felt discouraged . It seemed possible things would never really change for the better . What had happened ? I don 't know the full answer to that question . But thinking of those " one day at a time " and " just for today " concepts , I realize it 's OK to have what might seem like good days and bad days - and possibly sometimes good days that for some reason just don 't seem as good . I think that 's what happened Sunday . I know I did my best and kept going back to God with prayers of thanksgiving , faith and trust , and to know and do His will . I awoke Monday again feeling that all things are possible . It 's mid - afternoon , and I feel energized and blessed by opportunities I 've had to serve and pray and share and care . Now there is some housework to do , which is part of what threw me off on Sunday . Maybe what wasn 't possible yesterday will be today . Regardless , I pray to be aware at the end of the day that it has been good , and that , as always , God is the source of that goodness . My exercise in writing continues . Today I do not have the TV on . I 've only allotted 30 minutes to write . I 've already used some of the time to track down the HTML code for the em dash . How good that makes me feel is proof that I am an editor in addition to a wanna - be writer . What would be great to write about is this morning 's prayer time and then going to visit a dear friend at the hospital . Those words are harder to find , for some reason . The experiences are so positive , but much seems to get lost as I try to capture them in words . I believe in the power of prayer , and I believe God has called me back to the prayer group at 10 a . m . Mondays at the church . The women who gather there inspire me . I feel humbled , grateful and honored to join them . Today I let the Spirit to move me to end my portion of prayer with the upbeat version of the Doxology : " Praise God from Whom all blessings flow . Praise God all creatures here , below . Alleluia ! Alleluia ! Praise God the source of all our gifts . Praise Jesus Christ Whose power uplifts . Praise the Spirit - Holy Spirit . Alleluia ! Alleluia ! Alleluia ! " While there , I learned my dear friend Mac was back in the hospital . And the church is closer to the hospital than my house is , so being there made it easy to just go on that little bit farther to visit him . I enjoyed spending time with him and his daughter , and then his wife and another daughter when they arrived . I was grateful to be able to sing a couple of hymns of faith for this couple that I associate with the music ministry at church , even though it has been years since they could participate . I sang a verse of " Great Is Thy Faithfulness " and two verses of " Blessed Assurance . " Mac had trouble understanding me when I talked , but his steadfast gaze as I sang conveyed complete understanding . Thank you , God , for allowing me to stand in Your presence with this precious family . My journey to regain my skill and confidence as a writer is part of a larger endeavor to become more aware of and focused on my purpose in life . I believe God is the Author of that purpose and wants to help me know and fulfill it . I believe prayer and relationships with people in His body of believers are essential to this process . I am grateful to finally be acting on opportunities to build and deepen these relationships . It 's 7 p . m . Sunday . The NBA All - Star Game is about to start . I have it on but don 't plan to watch too closely . It 's possible Gene will interrupt me so I can watch him work on QuickBooks . I Googled " how to become a better writer . " Ah , yes . That 's the ticket . ( Although what I really need is how to get back to writing , period . Fortunately , this addresses that , too ! ) " Just write . If you 've got blank paper or a blank screen staring at you , it can be intimidating . You might be tempted to go check your email or get a snack . Well , don 't even think about it , mister . Just start writing . Start typing away - it doesn 't matter what you write - and get the fingers moving . Once you get going , you get in the flow of things , and it gets easier . I like to start out by typing things like my name or a headline or something easy like that , and then the juices start flowing and stuff just pours out of me . But the key is to just get going . " " Get feedback . You can 't get better in a vacuum . Get someone to read over your stuff - preferably a good writer or editor . Someone who reads a lot , and can give you honest and intelligent feedback . And then listen . Really try to person who you 're allowing to read it , but the general public . . . . If you 're already doing a blog , that 's good , but if no one reads it , then you need to find a bigger blog and try to submit a guest post . Putting your writing out in the public can be nerve - wracking , but it is a crucial ( if painful ) part of every writer 's growth . . . . " * Read great writers . ( I struggle with this . Maybe I need to also schedule at least 30 minutes a day to read . I don 't think I 've ever done that . ) * Create a writing ritual . " Whatever works for you , make it a must - do thing every single day . Write for at least 30 minutes , but an hour is even better . " ( I am working on this . It 's been a goal for a couple of weeks , and maybe tonight is the start . ) I like these ideas and I think they will help . I have to admit I just looked at the clock - - 7 : 50 . Ten more minutes . Then I started trying to find out how to get those two hyphens to be a long dash . I found the instructions , but it didn 't work . I guess I 'll work more on that tomorrow . Because : It 's 8 p . m . I 'm out of here . But this was good . I am grateful . Postscript : The next day , I found the HTML code for an em dash in this operation - but did it work ? Yes ! Yay ! ( I also see now that I could have copied and pasted an em dash from the " Just write " text I copied and pasted above . But then I would not have learned this code that will be good for me to know . ) There 's really no good reason for me not to be enjoying this time off from work . But I find myself stressing out every day over what to do . And whenever I do that - - get stressed out about what to do - - I typically get nothing done . I would like to write , but I am a very slow writer . My awareness of how slow I am distracts me from really thinking about and developing what I want to say . My mind wanders to what I think I should be doing instead , but instead of doing that other thing , I get into a mental battle with myself . And there is no peace . I would like to get back into writing for pay , but to do that , first I need to get back to writing . And that 's where the struggle is . How do I justify the time it takes to get it going again ? As for straightening up my messes , I want them straightened up , but I don 't know where to start . And it 's another process that when I do start it , the results come very slowly . And I guess I get impatient . I 've read a great book with suggestions - - and now it is part of the mess ! The people pleasing part is paralyzing . I don 't want to disappoint anyone . But that fear keeps me from doing what I want to do and also what the other person might prefer me to do , and that ends up being a lose - lose situation . I envy people who can write in a way that turns everyday experiences into fun - to - read accounts . Occasionally I have done that , and it gives me a sense of satisfaction . But more often I just write to document something I want to remember . As for why I post it on a blog and sometimes share the link on Facebook , that 's less clear to me . It surprises me when people seem to relate to and - or appreciate my fairly simple observations . to be setting aside time each day to write . For many years , I have pushed writing to the side , and I often end up frustrated when I can 't compose my thoughts on demand in the scrap of time I allow . I 'm grateful My comment went with this 2015 post shared from The Writer 's Circle : " If you 're going to be a writer , the first essential is to just write . Do not wait for an idea . Start writing something and the ideas will come . You have to turn the faucet on before the water starts to flow . " Louis L ' Amour on January in the seven years I 've been on Facebook . A lot of it has involved my trials and triumphs as a wannabe passionate and creative person . Today , I will use it as inspiration . I want to schedule a minimum of one hour a day to write . But it seems like I need to get other things done first , so I don 't get to it . And I pay a price of frustration . But I will keep trying . Shortly after marking that date , I learned my home church 's annual chili cook - off and talent show would be that same day in Norman . Gene and I enjoy the chili , and I also like the chance to sing in a less - formal setting than worship and support the chili cookers and the other performers . I decided to stick with my original plan , because it was a one - time thing , and the talent show happens every year . Nevertheless , I got up early this morning and headed south from Norman . I hadn 't been at Whaley United Methodist Church in Gainesville long before I knew I was where I was supposed to be . My sister said the choir could use me . They just had one soprano and wondered if I could be a quick - study on the anthem . I love to be asked to sing , so I was eager to give it a try . The anthem was a rousing number , " Move That Mountain , Lord . " The fact that the rest of the choir knew it already helped me learn it easily . I was glad to sing along . Adding to my sense of belonging was that , besides my sister 's encouragement , one of the other choir members made it sound like it was an answer to prayer for me to be singing with them , something she wished could happen regularly ! ( And I would love to sing with that choir - - but I also want to sing with the choir at my church in Norman . ) It just so happened that the pastor was out of town , so the choir director gave the sermon . And the message was on faith that moves mountains . All it takes is the faith the size of a mustard seed . He had prepared cards for each person with a mustard seed taped to it . The message was filled with joy and strong guidance for making sure we have love , joy , prayer , peace , Bible study and faithful action in our lives . And seeing as how he was doing everything else to lead the service , he did just a bit of a tap dance ! Talk about inspiring ! From there I went to lunch with Mom , two of my sisters , a brother - in - law , niece and her four kids . Then Mom and I headed to the open house on a ranch in a part of the country that is very near and dear to my heart . I can 't find words right now to express the thoughts and feelings it evoked . Friendship . History . Memories . Families . Love . Heritage . Gratefulness . Spirit . Laughter . Smiles . Hospitality . I had instinctively known I didn 't want to miss it . My instinct was right . time for the talent show at Goodrich Memorial UMC , where I met up with my husband , who was already there for the chili cook - off / dinner . He was just finishing with helping to put away the tables and chairs , so we headed to the show , which offered an interesting variety of entertainment . Conversations with people afterward again had me feeling I was at the right place ! I 've said it before and I 'll say it again : I am blessed to have two churches where I feel loved and very much a part of the family . I had the hardest time deciding which place to be , but as the day unfolded , I knew I was at the right place . I thank God for that . Posted by sure hope I 'm done with dentists for awhile . My drug - enhanced journey via a root canal was not quite the trip I expected . I 'm pretty sure my anxious mind was overthinking what was going on , causing me to resist the effects of the nitrous oxide , at the same time I was hoping and praying the gas would take me to a happy place of lightness and laughter . At age 57 and after a lifetime of receiving dental work - - including cleanings , fillings , crowns , removal of wisdom teeth and , most recently , a root canal - - this was the first time I opted for the so - called laughing gas . I 'd always managed to be calm enough for the injection of the local anesthetic and , despite the physical discomfort of having to keep my mouth open wide and all the various poking and drilling ( and the drill 's mind - wracking sound ) , I never experienced real pain . In fact , typically , the worst pain came at the site of the injection after the anesthesia wore off . However , my anxiety had increased noticeably after my two most recent major procedures : my original root canal on Nov . 15 , as well as the prep work Sept . 13 to replace a crown ( the procedure that seemed to have started the whole ordeal on tooth # 19 ) . Sure , I had endured both of those , but I recalled some extremely tense moments . Unfortunately , I continued to have pain after the root canal , and after several follow - up visits to my dentist , I was referred to an endodontist . During my consultation Tuesday , the endodontist quickly ascertained that the dentist , with his level of equipment , had failed to get all of my damaged roots treated and sealed . He said I needed more root canal work on the same tooth . He explained it in such a way that it seemed like the right thing to do . I kept thinking back to the previous experience . I remembered hearing the dentist react to various " surprises " that caused it to take much longer than he expected . I recalled how tense I felt , wondering if it was ever going to end , and how uncomfortable so much of the procedure was . I hadn 't panicked , but I came closer than ever before . But I made it through . Could I do it again ? One thing that added to my angst was that the endodontist said he would have to drill through the crown . In the overall scheme of things , I 'm not sure why that concerned me so much . But my mind kept sticking on him saying that . And when my active mind gets stuck thinking about something , I 'm using headed for trouble ! I had contemplated using nitrous oxide during dental work in the past , but the truth is , at those times I had about as much anxiety about the gas as I did the dental work itself . I know the stereotype is that it 's all fun and games and makes everything wonderful . But my gut instinct was skepticism . The added cost , which my research showed me might be as much as $ 90 , added to my reluctance to try it . I figured I could discuss it when I got to my appointment at 8 the next morning ( today , Wednesday ) . I found out it would cost $ 100 . I was talked through the process and decided to go for it . I could call it a gift to myself . Or maybe research . Although I didn 't know what to expect , I 'm pretty sure it didn 't go at all like I expected . And yet , without a doubt , I am glad I chose to go for the gas . Because . . . . As I wrote in a text when I was finished but before I drove home : " If I had not had gas I think I would be dead . Done now but may wait to drive . " Yes , that was an exaggeration . I wouldn 't have died . But I would not have been good . Among other things , it was harder for the endodontist to drill through the crown than he expected . ( As he was trying , and while I was wondering if the gas was going to start working , I heard him say it took a record number of burrs / cutters to get through it . ) And then at some point , I heard him say later , the crown popped off . Afterward , he said what he found when then crown came off was very little tooth structure . After doing the root canal work , he had to build up the tooth and add metal posts to support the crown . He marveled that the dentist had been able to get the crown to stay on . He assured me it 's fixed now . But if anything goes wrong now , the tooth will need to be extracted . I asked what I can do to prevent that ? " Be gentle , " he said . So , the visit to the endodontist was no laughing matter . As for the gas , I 'm not sure what I think of the experience . I still felt some tension and discomfort ( not relaxed ! ) , especially in the first 30 minutes or so and a few times in between . But considering the whole process took more than 2 hours , I think I would have been in a world of hurt - - or at least major mental distress - - without it . I think I have no awareness of what was going on for about an hour . Some of the times I had awareness had the sense of observing from outside my body . Through it all I heard classic rock music , for which I was grateful . ( I hope this doesn 't forever taint my enjoyment of the tunes of the Eagles , Bob Seger , Rod Stewart , Fleetwood Mac and others that accompanied me on this strange journey . ) I was aware at various times of the endodontist talking about the surprises he had encountered , later when the crown popped off ! ! He seemed confident he got it all taken care of . I hope and pray and have little doubt he is correct . In other words , I believe him . Now I 'm just dealing with the post - procedure discomfort , especially the FOUR or FIVE places where local anethesia were injected . I 'm grateful for strong pain reliever and that I didn 't have a job to go to . And I 'm grateful that little trip is over .
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It is a great day here at , My Old Historic House . Not only is a free day , as Feb . 29th , 2012 is a leap day and because of that , that gives us one day we usually do not have . But , the sun is shinning here in Middle America , Clarksville , Mo . and it is 65 degrees . What a beautiful day . This day is special in other ways as well . First off , I had a visit from one of my Blogger friends . Ann , from A Sentimental Life and 3 of her friends made a trip to visit me , Sissy , My Old Historic House and the shop , Richard 's Great Stuff . Ann is from Illinois , right out side of St . Louis . They traveled a few hours to get here . It is always so exciting to meet the person behind the blog . No matter how many pictures we post and share it is always better in person . You can visit Ann 's Blog here . www . asentimentallife . blogspot . com . Ann has a wonderful garden house , and that was one of the reasons I was attracted to her blog . Then to learn we are almost neighbors , makes it even better . It really is a small world , some of her friends grew up in Louisiana , Mo . 9 miles up the road and another works with my cousins . The other exciting thing that happened today is the new addition of Victorian Homes is out and I am featured once again . It is the second time in a year . The first spread was 12 pages , this one is only 3 . It features my bed rooms . I am very proud this has happened . I have copies for sale . If you have trouble finding one and would like to buy one , just email me . cottrellprissy @ aol . com . They sale for $ 6 . 00 . I understand they should be on the news stands by March 5th . I some times get down and worry about the smallest of things . But then I have days like this , where I am truly blessed . I wish all of you could come by for a tour . You are welcome anytime . I will leave the lights on and Sissy Dog will meet you with a jump and a kiss . She sure will , Ann got a big jump and a kiss , on the nose , as soon as she walked in the door . I hate to say Spring is here . I wish is was . But today it sure seems like it might be . I know we are all ready for it and anxiously waiting . I hope you are having a great day , just like I am . Just to re - cap I bought myself a doll house for Christmas . It was at a local antique mall here in Clarksville , Mo . I have wanted one for a long time . I would see them here and there , but the price usually keep me from jumping in and buying one . Of course I would want a Victorian style house . The one I found is actually a replica of an 1870 Second Empire Style . It has a mansard roof and a tower . I always wanted to own a house with a tower . Don 't ask me why , they are a complete waste of space . I also always wanted to paint a house pink . When I lived in New York state there was a Gothic Victorian house there and it was pink . There was a sign in front with the name Rose Cottage . It was my favorite place to go by and watch the seasons change . In summer there were scads and scads of climbing pink roses . Latter I learned that that house actually belonged to the famous Interior Designer , Sister Parish . It was featured in a book , which I found by accident one day in a book store . Before I get totally off the subject , I digress . I have been showing progress on the doll house ever since . This month I have been very lucky as friends have helped me with my doll house project by giving me gifts . I guess I could actually call them Valentine presents . What ever , I am so thrilled to get them . Yesterday in the US Mail , I got a small package . I had not ordered anything and could not even know what might be inside . When I opened it , there was no card , so it was a mystery . Inside were several small doll house treasures . A clock with a glass dome , a pair of blue and white statues , a hand painted gone with the wind lamp and 4 sweet perfume bottles . I thought , who ever sent these , , knows me well . I loved them all . I just could not imagine who had sent them . I went to the doll house and placed them and kept saying , I wish I knew who to thank . Latter I got an email from one of my blogger girl friends . I have a lot of them you know . Almost 300 . Where they are all special , there are a few that I really feel close to . Turns out these doll house treasures had been sent by dear friend Andie and her daughter Gracie . Andie 's blog is full of wonderful French things that she has been gathering for her new home . Gracie has a doll house also and Andie posted pictures of it , after I did my first doll house post . You should go and check out Andie 's blog , I am sure you will love it . www . divinetheather . blogspot . com . My friend Nancy , whom I have mentioned many times in my blog , gave me a darling white wing chair for Valentines Day . I wanted one for the library and she had one in her shop . She has Kate 's Attic and Mini Mall in Louisiana , Mo . It is 9 miles from here and a fun place to shop . She had gotten a whole lot of doll house stuff at an auction and I have been making far to many trips there to shop . Nancy and I often run off on day trips . We go to antique shops , malls and other fun places . We always seem to get into trouble and usually buy way to much . She has a truck , but last time , even with a truck , we had to have some things delivered . My niece , Linda , who helps me a lot with house tours found this darling world globe and she brought it to me last time she came for a visit . It is actually a pencil sharpener , made of metal and the globe turns . Perfect for the library . I found this little chandelier and I say it was a Valentine gift from Sissy Dog . I look at doll house chandeliers on the net and they are so expensive . I was so lucky to get this one . And how perfect , it is a French Empire style , just like the house . It is now in the dining room I hope you enjoy my new doll house treasures . I know I sure do . I love them all and every time I add one more item the little house gets better and better . I wish you could come some time and see it for real . I will leave the lights on and Sissy Dog will always meet you with a jump and a kiss . The doll house is at my shop for now . I am waiting for some carpet and things to come so I can finish it before I take it home . I want to put it in the library , along side my rocking horse and antique German and French dolls . Mr . Elgin , the original owner of , My Old Historic House , had a son and a daughter . I would like to think they would have had toys much like these . If they did , the library was a perfect place to play with them . PS . My friend Jim , just came from St . Louis to spent the weekend at his house here . He always stops in and he gave me this darling Victorian Rococo parlor chair . He says he has a sofa and another chair too . It looks like Belter . I am the luckiest man alive . In late spring of 1861 - Richmond , Virginia , became the Capitol of the Confederate States of America . With that title came responsibilities to have a new congress , government offices and a President . Jefferson Davis was elected to do that job . Davis and his wife , there children and various members were housed in the newly purchased Confederate White House , at the corner of 5th and K Street . The previous owner had just added a third floor and redecorated the interior of the home . He sold the house and the furniture for $ 43 , 000 . 00 . to the Richmond City authorties - which then rented it to the Confederate Government as an executive mansion . Davis and his 35 year old wife , Varina and there children made this there new home for the next 4 years . The house was made into a museum in 1890 , only a few years after the war . Mrs . Davis was of much help with this project . Today it is one of the most intact Historic Homes in America . I used this house as my Bible when restoring , My Old Historic House . When I visited the Confederate White House Museum many years ago , I was taken by the wonderful needlepoint Lambrequins that were on the fireplaces . They were all hand stitched by Mrs . Davis and were still hanging there after all these years . To make a long story short , I wanted a Lambrequin for my house . So I went on a quest to find one . I looked in antique shops , on the internet , called pickers in Europe , but was not able to find any . Luck was with me , when I went to an antique show in Chicago and found an old clock shelf Lambrequin . Being affordable , I bought it and decided to use it as a pattern and make my own . For those of you who do not know what a lambrequin is : Webster Dictionary defination is : a kind of pendent , scarf or covering attached to the fireplace to protect the mantle from heat and smoke . An ornament or short decorative hanging from a shelf or fireplace mantle . Sometimes known as a cornice , pelment or valance . Opulent Victorian Houses of the Antebellum period had such decorations on there mantles , most often hand made by the house owners . They would purchase a pattern or design , from a mail order source , usually in Europe and needlepoint was the most often used method used . Some were made from fabric that matched the rooms curtains and furniture . For my Lambrequin , I drew the pattern on graph paper , using the piece that I had found as a pattern . I made a chart for all the colors and worked them one at a time . Much like counted cross stitch is done . The background was all done last . After weeks and weeks of counting stitches , the Lambrequin was still not long enough for my mantle . I could not force myself to do one more block . So , I decided to make the middle one different . When all the needlepoint stitches were done , the edges were finished out with black bias tape , turned under and hand stitched to the back . I used a black cording to finish it off and highlighted it all with tassels . I did the needlepoint using the basket weave stitch , it does not distort the canvas so much , so very little blocking was needed . Someday , 100 years or so from now , I hope some one will be inspired by my Lambrequin , like I was by Mrs . Davis 's . I hope it will be still hanging on the mantle , I made it for . I know as long as I own this house , it will be , My Lambrequin is on the mantle in the Gentleman 's parlor . I designed the curtains for this room to match . They were all hand made by my dear sweet sister . I used the same pattern for the overall design and hand trimmed them with satin cords and tassels . I had a very nice Valentine Treat , because a local newspaper did a feature article about , My Old Historic House . Clarksville , my home town and when my house is , is really kinda in the middle of no where . It is 70 miles one way or the other to the nearest large city . On one side is St . Louis and St Louis County where there are millions of people . On the other side is Quincy , Ill . Quincy is a rather small town , by a lot of standards , having only 40 , 000 people . It is often called , " The Gem City . " Quincy is a river city , setting high on the banks , of the Mississippi River . It was a wealthy town in the middle 19th century and a lot of that wealth came from stove manufacturing . There are many beautiful old mansions there , several open for tours , mostly being ran by Historical Societies or the state . Quincy is the county seat of Adams County , Illinois . It is the 3rd largest city in Illinois . Forbes magazine once listed Quincy as the 8th best place to raise a family . You can see how pleased I was when the paper , Quincy Herald Whig , came to me to do a feature story . And to have it appear in the Valentines Day paper , made it all the better . I know I have done post in the past about being published , maybe it is not such a big thing , but , I can 't help but be excited every time it happens . I am very grateful for the free advertisement . I open my home for tours when any one calls for a reservation . It sure helps to maintain the old place , play the utilities and feed Sissy Dog . Being privaly run , My Old Historic House , can be very expensive . This article should be really helpful as the town of Quincy is not so far away . When the house was featured in Victorian Homes Magazine , most of the readers were from such a great distance , very few have gotten to come take a tour . The Quincy Paper also serves several towns close by , one being Hannibal , Missouri , . Hometown of Mark Twain . Hannibal is a major destination for many tourist each year . So you can see why I was so thrilled and excited about this article . I hope you can come take a tour soon . I always leave the lights on and Sissy Dog will be there to meet you with a jump and a kiss . If you read the article you will see that she was mentions too . In the mean time you can go to - www . whig . com - and read the whole article and see a short video of the second floor . We had snow but it is almost gone . Supposed to have warmer weather again . I know it is only February , but I am so ready for spring . See you soon and remember , I blog for comments , so please leave me some . I love reading them and I will always give you one in return . Have a beautiful day . PS . Have to brag a little more . Just got word from the Editor of Victorian Homes magazine , and the second feature of my Old Historic House is coming out and will be on News Stands , March5th . I have ordered copies , if you have trouble finding one , I can send . I will post on that when I see it in person . I have one pair of red and white Staffordshire dogs . They live in my kitchen window . I think they are very much in love . Watch as they steal a kiss . In three more days it will be Valentines Day . A real Christian Holiday , invented to celebrate several Saints , with the name of Valentine . Somewhere , through time , it has become a Holiday for lovers . Much like other holidays , it has taken on that commercial feeling . As soon , if not before , Christmas is over , all the Valentine stuff hits the shelves in our retail stores . It used to be mostly cards , then came flowers , thanks to the floral industry , and then candy , again thanks to the candy industry . I see things that are very tasteful and taste good , others are in very bad taste and even down right scary . To each his own , the words of my dear mother . Who 's to say ? I am sure what I like , would mean nothing to the next man . Some men will give there wife 's or girlfriends candy , flowers , a night out ; where others , might chose a pair of naughty underwear or a tattoo . I fear the worst : but to them , it is the best . Rumor was they were very much in love . When I was in grade school , I loved Valentines Day . My mother would buy me a box of Valentines at the dime store . There was an assortment . I would carefully go through them and seek the best one for the girl I liked best . Usually they were addressed and taken to school and on Valentines Day , there would be a party . Our room mothers made a cake , candy and punch . My teachers always had a big decorated Valentine box that all the individual cards were placed in . One person got to hand out all the cards . They were opened one by one as we enjoyed the refreshments . I kept my cards for years . In the fourth grade my teacher had a drawing at the end of the party and gave away the big Valentine box . . I won it , and it was the best thing that had ever happened to me . The next year I took it back to school and let everyone else enjoy it . For years I kept that box and all my Valentine cards in it . When my mother passed and we cleaned out her house , I found that old Valentine box . I had a weak moment and threw it out . I wish now I had it to share with you all today . Italian ceramic , " love doves . " In the summer they are on the screen porch . I have lots of wild doves and the sweet sounds they make seem like they are coming from these two . As we all prepare for this special day , keep in mind , what you are trying to say . If it is just a friend or family member , lover , wife or husband , mother , father , sister or brother , it is very important to say , " I love you ! " One can never hear this enough . It makes us smile , feel good and want to love back . . I hope you all get lots and lots on Valentine card . I hope you send a few in return . Remember , to get , one has to give . We never , never , can do enough to show how much we care . Please come by soon for a tour of , My Old Historic House . I will always leave the lights on and Sissy Dog will meet you at the door with a jump and a kiss . Get out there and buy those cards , candy and flowers . Share the love and , HAPPY VALENTINES DAY . My shop neighbor and good friend , Marcia , is having a kissing booth to raise money for stray dog care . This is her Grand Dog , Shotgun . Sissy will go take a turn after a bit . Kiss , Kiss ! I am simi retired living in my home town , Clarkssville , Mo . I have this old historic house that I have restored , and have opened for tours and rentals . The 1845 Historic Elgin / Cottrell House museum . I have a little gift shop . Richard 's Great Stuff , down the street from the house . My best thing in life is my little beagle girl , Sissy . I enjoy blogs about decoarting .
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Another year almost done . . . In Decembers past I have posted a wrap up of the year 's most gleeful happenings without any attempt to weigh up the good with the bad because this blog is not concerned with bad stuff . But this year that approach doesn 't feel right . Good things - wonderful things - have happened , but 2010 has been the worst year of my life . As many of you know , my father died in April after being diagnosed with a terminal illness at the start of January . There 's probably nothing that could balance the 2010 scales of happiness after that . I 'm not happy really ( for various reasons related and unrelated to losing Dad ) , but I 'm working on it . That said , although Dad 's illness and death were harrowing , difficult times are fertile ground for personal growth , and so it was for me . I realised I am much stronger than I thought . You don 't really know what you 're capable of until you have to face it head on and just get on with it . I have more faith in myself now . I know that whatever happens , I 'll get through it . That 's a nice feeling . I never thought I would be able to stand up in front of all those people at Dad 's funeral and speak , but I had to do it for my Dad and I did ( I looked at my hands just before I stood up to speak and they weren 't even trembling ) . I can only describe the way I felt afterwards as euphoric . It was an awful day , but an amazing day . Anyway , enough of the bad - but - good stuff . Here 's the unadulterated good bits : * My trip to New York was far and away the best bit of 2010 , because it was my first ever trip overseas AND I WENT TO NEW YORK ! I fell instantly in love with the place . I had the best time and I 'm already thinking of going back . Taking an overseas trip was the number one thing on my list of 101 Things to do Before I 'm 40 and I crossed it off before the year was half over . I finally went to another country ! Finally ! * Not only did I take my first overseas trip , I did it on my own . I 'd never wanted to travel alone before ( partly why I got to 38 without having travelled ) and before Dad died I was a bit scared about it . I wasn 't sure how I 'd go . But after his funeral , I wasn 't worried at all and I didn 't need to be . I hit the ground running - I wasn 't scared , I didn 't feel overwhelmed , I didn 't get lost , I didn 't miss any flights and I cruised the subway like a native ( well , almost ) . I felt damned pleased with myself ! * I finally quit the mind numbing job that had me feeling like I was wasting my life away . It was like shedding an old skin and did wonders for my state of mind ( albeit temporarily ) . * I 've had no trouble finding new jobs , even if I haven 't settled into a permanent role yet . Despite feeling initially overwhelmed ( particularly in my first temp role ) , I 've surprised myself how with quickly I 've got the hang of things . I have more confidence in my abilities now . * I 'm working in the area of law I always wanted to work in and I 'm working in a top tier firm - it 's a looooooooooooong way away from my old job at the firm with 15 people ! What a year of high highs and low lows . It certainly hasn 't been boring ! It 's been a period of personal growth and some progress in a few areas where changes needed to be made . I 'm not where I want to be , but I 'm facing in the right direction at least . I 'm looking foward to 2011 . It 's going to be hard for it to be worse than this year , but I 'll probably also have to work at making it better than this year . I want to go overseas again , get settled into a permanent job once more , get some of my health issues sorted and . . . well , I 'd like to be in a relationship again . I 've had enough of singledom . You never know what 's around the corner . . . As always , I 've had lots of lovely feedback from you guys . I always say I write this blog for me , but really , it just wouldn 't be the same without the comments and emails from you . It 's gratifying to know people are reading my nerdy little ramblings ( and more so that they keep coming back to read more ) . You have consistently been a source of glee . Thank you , thank you , thank you . Wishing you a gleeful festive season and good health and happiness in 2011 . * I 'm visiting my mum for Christmas from 24 December until 2 January so posting will be sporadic at best . Posted by Mama and Papa Duck are one of two pairs of ducks who seem to call the banks of the Yarra between my place and the city home . I do see larger groups of ducks from time to time , but I see these two pairs on their own all the time ( although I suppose I 'm just assuming it 's the same pairs ! I need to start looking for disinguishing features . ) There 's also a pair of swans which live in the area and have hatched cygnets on the bank . I know they 're the same pair because one of them has a marker with a number around its neck . I like seeing the familiar birdy faces . It 's like having pets , but without responsibility and poop duties . I got my extended holiday ! Yay ! Just as well because I 've compiled a rather extensive to do list that will no doubt fill up the whole 16 days . Yesterday was my sixth anniversary of moving into this flat . That 's the longest I 've lived in one place since I left home ( although I was at my last place for five years ) . I can 't believe I 've got to stay so long here considering how often the flat has been sold , but I 'm so glad I have . I love it . I won 't be moving until I have to ( as much as I 'd like to live on the other side of the river ) . Posted by I went into the city today to do some Christmas shopping . I got sidetracked at Readers Feast and bought myself a new word book called I Never Knew There was a Word for It . It 's a collection of expressions from around the world for " any feeling , act , object , animal or vegetable you could ever possibly need to describe " . From the back cover alone I have learnt the words fisselig ( German for flustered into incompetence ) , noop ( the point of your elbow ) and crambazzled ( a Northern England word for a man who 's prematurely aged from drinking too much ) . You know what this means ? I 'm going to be bombarding you with lists of my favourite new words soon . I haven 't done that in ages . I won 't start reading it until after I 've finished Anne of Green Gables . I 've got to stop starting new books before finishing old ones . That reminds me . . . I have occasionally blogged about the pleasure of anticipation and I read this in Anne of Green Gables the other night , in a chapter headed ' The Delights of Anticipation ' : " You set your heart too much on things , Anne , " said Marilla with a sigh . " I " m afraid there will be a great many disappointments in store for you through life . " " Oh , Marilla , looking forward to things is half the pleasure of them , " exclaimed Anne . " You mayn 't get the things themselves ; but nothing can prevent you from having the fun of looking forward to them . Mrs Lynde says , ' Blessed are they who expect nothing for they shall not be disappointed . ' But I think it would be worse to expect nothing than to be disappointed . " I have requested a few extra days leave from work , which would extend my Christmas break from 10 days to 16 . I decided I need the rest more than I need the money . I haven 't had a decent break all year - and it 's been a big year ( the two weeks in New York was fantastic , but hardly restful ) . I 've got my fingers crossed . I 've kind of been enjoying not having to post every day now NaBloPoMo is over , but I 've saved up some gleeful stuff from the past few days . I had my work Christmas party on Friday night and it was fun . They really go all out . It was at the Grand Hyatt Ballroom ( lah - di - dah ) and , in keeping with the circus theme , there were acrobats , funny mirrors , plate spinners , stilt walkers , clowns and a ringmaster for emcee . The three course meal was delicious . The band was funky . The dancing was vigorous . The highlight of the night was the law graduate revue , which was a medley of singing , dancing , video vignettes and in - jokes ( most of which I understood . Yay ) . There were parodies of the Old Spice ad and Master Chef , and the finale was a spectacular rendition of Robbie Williams ' Let Me Entertain You ( substituting the name of the firm for ' Me ' ) . All in all , a great night . People say you 're just part of a faceless mob working at such a large firm , but it really feels like there 's a sense of community . Or maybe it 's still all too new for me to be cynical about it . . . . During the meal , one of my friends who started a couple of weeks before I did asked how old I am . Her mouth dropped when I told her . She thought I was younger than her . She 's 27 . For those who don 't know , I 'm 38 . I love that moment . ( That 's what staying out of the sun and wearing sunscreen can do for you . ) I was given a box of Lindor Balls on Friday as a thank you for my efforts preparing for a big trial that started in Sydney today . It wasn 't necessary ( especially as I 'm paid for overtime ! ) but it 's wonderful to know you 're appreciated . As if that weren 't enough , today the two solicitors on the case who are in Sydney had a box of cupcakes delivered for the many people who helped with preparations . A very lovely gesture . In even more work - related news , it looks like I will be made permanent at the firm , but not for another couple of months . I 'm starting a new role in the same group next week and they want to make sure that works out before they sign me up . Posted by I had to make up many archive boxes today . Although I find the sound of cardboard scraping on cardboard almost as bad as fingernails down a blackboard , I did enjoy snipping the plastic tape that holds the bundles of flat pack boxes together . My tram driver tonight ( a man in his 50s ) was wearing a Santa hat and had decorated his cabin with blue and gold tinsel . Teehee . I have 10 days off at Christmas ( the whole firm shuts up shop ) and I can 't wait , even though I won 't be paid for the leave . I 'm going to my mum 's in Wauchope ( northern NSW ) for a few days , then having a few days at home . I love having time at home on the holidays . I often find it more relaxing than going away . Not gerberas . . . geraniums in window boxes are everywhere in the inner city these days . I like it . ( That 's cnr Little Collins and Bank Place in the city . ) And I 'm back again even though I don 't have to be ! I got a bunch of happy orange gerberas from the partner I work for to say I 'm doing a great job . How lovely is that ? I feel good every time I look at them . I would have been pleased with the feedback alone , but the flowers make it extra special . The job is challenging , but I do feel like I 'm doing a good job . It 's far more satisfying than my mind numbing old job . As soon as I hit ' publish ' on this post , I will have kicked NaBloPoMo 's butt for the second year running . It wasn 't hard ( and bear in mind I 'd been posting daily for about two weeks before the start of November ) . I 'm a blogging machine ! I had my first ' late ' shift today - starting at 9 . 45am - and I was so busy that working until 6 . 00pm wasn 't a drag . I started reading Anne of Green Gables last night . It 's bizarre considering my great affection for the story that I 've never actually read the book . I 've only read Anne of Avonleigh which a relative gave to me when I was a kid . Clearly they didn 't know it was the second book of a series and I don 't know why I 've never gone back to read the set given how much I love the telemovie . I have the whole set on my to - read pile now though . I 'm picturing the characters from the telemovie in my head as I read . Look at these weeny ducklings ! They looked far too small to be braving the choppy waters of Victoria Harbour . I saw the mother duck first and the ducklings were so small I thought they were flotsam . But no . So cute . I walked from Harbour Town to Southbank this afternoon , with a detour to Victoria Harbour . I 've never really explored that area before . I walked until I was almost under the Bolte Bridge . On my way into the city this morning I passed a gaggle of cyclists dressed up steampunk style . There was one guy on a pennyfarthing and one man on a gigantic tricycle . Yesterday there was a man in Myer playing a ukelele and a girl walking down the street in a tutu and ballet shoes . Posted by Photo taken on my new phone with a vintagey look . Wish my eyes were really that green . Oh , those are my new specs . Forgot to post a pic before . I had my eyebrows professionally seen to this afternoon for the first time . They didn 't need to be shaped because nature kindly did a fine job of shaping them for me , so the brow girl only tidied them up . It really makes a difference . I can 't stop looking at them . I also got my hair cut and coloured - not quite as short as usual and a little more blue in my blue / black ( hey , hold those blue rinse jokes ! ) The two women who work in the salon are both from Asian countries ( one from Indonesia , not sure about the other ) . They love my pale skin . It 's a pleasant change from being surrounded by women with fake tans who probably look at me and think I could do with a bit of colour . I walked to a polling booth to vote in the State election this morning . My neighbourhood is staid and lacking cultural diversity , but damn it 's pretty . ( I stayed in this place for a couple of weeks when it was a grungy boarding house . Now it seems to be a big posh residence . ) And I spotted an old sign . Anyone know what it says ? It backs onto Park Street , South Yarra . There 's also a P , so it 's . . . . PLES . Do you think it could be Maples , like the old piano store on Swan Street , Richmond ? Perhaps this was their factory ? Posted by I arrived at work to find a ladybird chocolate and a little Christmas note from a woman in my department who 's now on leave for the rest of the year ( * goes green with envy * ) . Everyone got one . How sweet is that ? It was all work , work , work after that . It was crazy busy and I felt a little overwhelmed , which wasn 't pleasant , but it was great to leave at the end of the day feeling like I did a good day 's work ( especially knowing I don 't have to go back for two days ! ) It rained again . I could just hear it spattering on the windows at work and then a minute later I looked up and it was fine again . Ah , Melbourne , you and your four seasons ! How ace is it when you buy something and it scans through at even less than the ticketed price ? That happened to me tonight - a pair of shoes which were already cheap as scanned at $ 20 ! Got the flat to myself for the weekend . Wooooh ! I 'm playing some loud music . Posted by I got a nice surprise when I used the ATM this afternoon - I 've got WAY more money in the bank than I expected . I was anticipating a large wad of cash to hit my account in the process of moving my money into a new investment , but I 'm not sure why I have so much . No doubt there will be a logical explanation that isn 't " the share price went through the ROOF and you 're now much richer than before ! Wooooh ! " . Another perk of working for a large firm : when you have a meeting in one of the rooms on reception level , you get offered hot beverages and snacks . The coffee and tea list would put many cafes to shame ( the firm does have a professional in - house kitchen ) . Someone else ordered hot chocolate before me this morning , so I asked for one too . It even came with marshmallows . I have started working the ' early ' shift on Wednesdays - an 8 . 00 am start and 4 . 15pm finish . Not so keen on the earlier start ( yes , I know 8am isn 't that early ) , but the early finish is ace . I 'm also doing late shifts ( 9 . 45am - 6 . 00 pm ) on Mondays from now on . A later start on a Monday ! Wooh ! It seems to be bark shedding season for eucaplytus trees . I 'm a dead - leaf - cruncher from way back , but bark gives an even more satisfying crack ! when you step on it . I caught a glimpse of the sun peeking over the horizon this morning when I briefly got up to pull my blind down ( er . . . so the sun wouldn 't keep me awake . I was too tired to stay up and watch it rise or even take a photo ) . I donated blood again today , my sixth donation . It hurt more than any other ( during and after ) , but I just tried to think about the good that my blood will do for others and about how I 'm a " ' good bleeder " with " great veins " . Go , me ! I love the cracking , clinking , pinging sound ice makes when you drop it into a tall glass of water . My spathiphyllum has four flowers on it now . * admires own green thumb * I heard a new song featuring Lisa Mitchell on the radio when I was in the bath last night - she sings vocals on this Andy Bull track called Dog . I like it . For the past three work days , I have been passed on the path to the city by a woman riding a bike and wearing a green cardigan ( I think she really likes that cardy ) . Today I saw her on my lunch break as well . You know what 's better than crunchy peanut butter ? Super crunchy peanut butter , that 's what . Posted by My outfit for my work Christmas party is almost complete . Today I bought a pouffy petticoat to go under my 50s style dress , and shoes . I tried it all on when I got home and I 'm very happy with it , although I 'm not used to looking so girly . ( Sorry , no photos until party night ! ) I visited Retrostar Clothing on the first floor of the fabulous Nicholas Building for the first time today in my search for a pouffy petticoat . Retrostar is chockful of vintage stuff , but the building itself is just as big an attraction . The arched leadlight shopfronts are lovely . I was over Collingwood / Brunswick way again today . I found more old signs . Vaccinations every morning . Teeth extracted . That 's all I can make out . Gertrude Street . I think this is one sign over the top of the other - one looks like Winfield cigarettes . Also Gertrude Street . I went to a real - world Twitter meet up last night in the city . I met some cool people . I got hugs . Ace . Today was a perfect spring day . Sunshine , blue sky , light breezes . I went to the gym , walked home in the sun and then launched into a cleaning frenzy ( a rare event ) . I even mopped the floors . I feel pleasantly weary and pleased with my efforts . I found $ 2 on a seat at the cinema . Wooh . I saw The American , which was long and rather dull , but at least we saw George Clooney with his shirt off . I have discovered a new gluten - free breakfast cereal called Cookie Bitez . It 's in the same category as Cocopops when it comes to nutrition , but it 's yummy . I got a courier delivery at work today . I love that . Getting a nice surprise at work is almost the best reason to shop online . I ordered a 50s style dress for my work Christmas party in a few weeks ( a black tie event at a posh hotel in the city ) . The dress only took a week to get here from the US , it fits and looks good . Phew . Now for shoes . . . I 'm so glad it 's the weekend . I had an intense day of formal and on - the - job training almost from start to finish today and my brain needs some time out . I forgot to buy a sandwich at the cafe with gluten free bread . Something for Monday . Posted by The view from my office window turned completely to white during the rain this morning . I 'm not sure if we were in the clouds or if the rain was heavy ( or both ) , but we couldn 't see anything . Eventually the city re - emerged as the rain eased . I found a Freddo Frog in my pocket when I left work tonight . Yay ! I 'd forgotten it was there from lunch time . Ten minutes later I pulled my iPod out of my pocket and a Caramello Koala came out with it . I forgot that was there too . Double yay ! ( Absentmindedness again proves to be a source of joy . . . ) I was thrilled today to find a cafe near my office that offers gluten - free bread . I 'm looking forward to having a sandwich for lunch tomorrow instead of sushi . I 've been listening to The White Stripes again lately . I love this old cover of Black Jack Davey . Posted by My building has big revolving doors at the front and back entrance . I like to dash in at the last minute before the opening closes off . It makes me feel like Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark when he just manages to escape under the stone door before it slams shut . ( I think that was in Raiders . I saw it at the Hamilton Drive - in when I was a kid . I got a Raiders of the Lost Ark sticker . ) There wasn 't a cloud in the sky when I left for work this morning . I wore a new pair of pants to work . It 's a nice feeling . This morning I shared the lift in my super corporate office building with a pony . A large , plush , pink and aqua pony . The woman carrying it decided her daughter had outgrown it and she 'd brought it to work to give to someone else 's daughter . The two black swans who frequent the stretch of the Yarra between my house and the city were sitting on the grassy bank , engrossed in a vigorous grooming session , when I walked past on my way to work . A woman stopped me to ask directions as I was walking home . I like giving people directions . Helpful directions , not rude ones . Today was my first day of flying solo at work and I did fine . The lights in the open plan area of my office weren 't working until lunch time . I liked it . I wish it were like that all the time . What 's wrong with mood lighting at work , that 's what I want to know . Peanut butter toast is the best . Warm , crunchy , melty goodness . Posted by My photo blog has finally inched up to 50 followers . * blows party whistle * I 'm pretty happy about that . My follower list is displayed a little randomly , so I 'm not entirely sure who the new addition is , but if you 're reading this , thank you ! Now that I 've discovered the stats feature on my Blogger dashboard , I 'm checking it daily . Last night I found the bit where you can see how people came to visit your site . Two people found my Girl in Melbourne blog by seaching for ' nips girl ' . Haha . What ? Here are the search terms people used to find Gleeful : wasket ( 8 ) simple glee blog ( 3 ) dr suess wisket wasket ( 2 ) i see a little silhoutte of a clam ( 2 ) " do not taunt the octopus " ( 1 ) courage glee ( 1 ) diffendoofer quotes ( 1 ) do not taunt the octopus ( 1 ) dont taunt the octopus ( 1 ) This list makes me laugh . Love the strong presence of Dr Seuss and the cantankerous octopus . I googled ' do not taunt the octopus ' just then and my blog is the second non - image result . That pleases me very much . It also pleases me to see that you can buy badges and T - shirts with ' Do not taunt the octopus ' on them . I 'll just update my Christmas wishlist . . . . I stumbled across a fantastic vintage store on Smith Street in Collingwood today called Vintage Garage . I don 't know how I 've missed it before , especially as the counter - visible from the doorway - is the front end of a bright red 50s American car . The store is huge and full of racks and racks of clothes and shoes ( mainly women 's ) from the 50s to the 80s , as well as some furniture , old records , jewellery , homewares and even a few old typewriters . And of course the music was cool - Beatles , Buddy Holly and Johnny O ' Keefe , and Peggy Lee was singing Fever when I went in . It 's important to match your shirt to your furniture I ate a toasted sesame seed bagel with cream cheese at Bean & Bagel on my way up to Brunswick Street . It was delicious - as good as any I ate in New York . * sigh * I miss New York . Today on Smith Street I saw a man in red and black striped velvet pants and on the tram on Brunswick Street I sat near a woman wearing bright yellow clogs with red socks and a large pouffy tulle thing on her head . God , I love that part of town . I almost hope I get evicted next year so I can move there - or better , that I could shift my current flat over there ( I love it too much to leave of my own free will ) . I love these old post boxes on Brunswick Street I 've been using the camera on my new phone a little in the last week . It . Is . Awesome . I probably don 't even need to carry my Canon around with me anymore . Last night while messing about on Blogger I discovered there 's a link to my blogs ' stats on my dashboard . It 's probably been there for months , hasn 't it ? Never mind . I had a look and was pleasantly surprised . I don 't get a lot of comments , so it 's nice to know people are visiting , if not leaving comments . Thanks , guys . I 'm going to see The Black Keys in February ! Yay ! I got the email notification about their Big Day Out sideshows at lunch time today and bought my ticket when I got home tonight . It will be my first time seeing them live . I can 't wait . Here 's some live Black Keys action for you : This week 's That 's Melbourne ! email newsletter from the City of Melbourne came with the subject line " Hector the Cat would approve " ( in reference to a road safety computer game ) . Do any of my Aussie readers remember Hector the Cat ? I wonder if Google knows who he is . . . Yes , it does ! The internet is ace . I 'm loving my shorter walk to work and being able to sleep a bit later . I 've been working ' normal ' shifts - not that 9 . 00am to 5 . 15pm seems normal to me - and I 've been told they need people to work the ' late ' shift , which means I could have mornings where I start at 9 . 45 . I could get up at 8 . 30 ! God , I love the sound of that . Posted by Last night I had a bowl of vanilla icecream sprinkled with Rice Bubbles and topped with generous layer of Ice Magic . It was delicious . Just like a Crunch bar . I was the first person to a training session in my building this morning and I had time to snap a picture of the view before the others arrived . ( My new phone has an 8 megapixel camera ! ) I 've worked a full week in my job . I still like it a lot . The people are SO friendly . Oh , and I have the same kind of stapler as the ace one in my last job . Yay . Maybe it 's because I like my new job , but my work day positively zipped by today . One minute it was 10 . 30am and then 20 minutes later it was 12 . 15pm and before I knew it , it was home time . Awesome ! ( As much as I like the job , I still like not being at work more . ) I ate my lunch in the Treasury Gardens . They 're much nicer than the Flagstaff Gardens near my old office . There were lots of workers enjoying the sun , including one man in business attire lying flat on his back with his shoes and socks off . Teehee . The Federation Bells were chiming when I walked past on my way home . It sounds like discordant clanging to me , but it moved a nearby toddler to a burst of pram dancing . I read this story on The Age website on Friday night , but forgot to mention it . It 's so lovely , it brings a tear to my eye . Sometimes old fashioned things are far superior to their modern replacements - like buying your meat at the butcher shop instead of the supermarket . Last year , for boring reasons related to my allergy elimination diet , I started buying my meat from the local butcher instead of the supermarket , and it 's such a pleasure I 've kept going . I haven 't noticed a marked difference in price or quality , but it 's so nice to be greeted pesonally , and to have a chat and a joke while you shop . OK , I admit I have a crush on one of the young butchers , which means I now look forward to purchasing meat like I never have before ! ( Save your meat double entendres . I 'm sure I 've heard them already . ) I 'm always a little let down if he doesn 't serve me , but all the other butchers are so friendly and chatty that I soon get over it . And there 's always next week . . . Even without the crush - factor , I 'd still shop there . There 's nothing like old fashioned , personal customer service . When 's the last time there was a butcher loitering in the meat section at the supermarket to tell you how to cook a particular cut of meat or chat about the football or ask how your weekend 's going ? And to top it off , depending on what you buy , there 's less packaging waste from shopping at the local butcher too ( I detest those stupid non - recyclable plastic meat trays ) . I just wish there were still a greengrocer in my local shopping strip . Food shopping is one of the most inconvenient things about not owning a car . I 'd love to avoid shopping at the evil Big Two supermarkets altogether , but it 's time consuming without wheels . I got a new toy today - an HTC Desire HD Android smartphone , which I think was only released in Australia yesterday . I 'm not used to being such an early adopter . It 's kind of exciting . . . but the phone is so advanced compared to my old one that it 's a bit puzzling . Something else to get the hang of . . . at least I 'm helping to stave off alzheimer 's with all this learning . I went to the movies on my own again today ( to see Gainsbourg ) . I 'm completely unfazed by it now . I 've decided I 'm going to push myself to cross my final flying solo frontier - I 'm going to go to a pub gig on my own . . . at some stage . I saw my old osteopath today ( to say hello , not for a treatment ) . He 's been working one Saturday a month back at the same Melbourne clinic for the past few months , but today was the first time I 've managed to cross paths with him . It was good to see him , albeit briefly . Posted by I 've probably mentioned this before , but it bears repeating : changing out of your work shoes into sneakers is fantastic . Changing from your work clothes into your pjs is pretty good too . ( I 'm also wearing a Fraggle Rock T - shirt I got at Dimmeys for $ 5 ) . I 'm pleased my new firm also has casual Fridays , although casual seems to be less casual at this place ( which isn 't a bad thing ) . Today was my first full day on the job and I had a lot to take in , but I still don 't feel overwhelmed . I 've got a good trainer , who keeps telling me how happy they are to have me ( mostly because they needed an extra pair of hands , I think ! ) and that I 'm doing well . The feedback is appreciated . I didn 't get much feedback in my old temp assignment - I had to resign before I found out I was doing a good job ! I finished my initial induction training today and I 'm feeling calm and confident about getting down to work . It 's a nice feeling . I still have a lot to learn though . . . I met many of the people in my practice group this afternoon and they were all very nice and welcoming . I 'm feeling really good about my decision to take this job , although it still seems surreal . I can 't believe I 'm working at this place - one of the biggest and best law firms in the country ! It 's a big , bright new world and so far I like it . Even though the firm is huge , my initial impression is that it 's quite down to earth and not at all stuffy . I 'm working on the 47th floor . There are breathtaking views from every window ( Melbourne , you so purdy ! ) . My desk is on the west side , so in winter I 'll be able to see the sunset . Working past sunset in the winter might be a little easier to bear when I can look out and see the city lights twinkling too ( but that 's a way off yet - best not get ahead of myself . ) Off AC / DC Lane , which is right behind my new office I started my new job today - or at least I fronted up for the first day of induction training . I wasn 't anywhere near as nervous as when I started my last temp role , which was a relief and perhaps a sign I have greater confidence in my abilities after my stint at a mid - tier firm . I was happy to discover the document management system is very similar to what I 'd been using in my last temp role , which should alleviate the information overload and flatten the learning curve a little . It sounds bad to be pleased about that , but I find learning new computer stuff stressful , and it 's only three months since I went through that onslaught . Of course , the feeling you get when you master the new systems makes the stress worthwhile . I was overwhelmed at the beginning of my last assignment - everything was new to me - but I surprised myself by getting the hang of it quickly . I might not like learning new computer stuff , but apparently I 'm pretty good at it ! I was given a copy of the firm 's hefty style guide ( ie the rules for written communications , not office attire ! ) , but I was disappointed I didn 't get to have a good look at it today . What a nerd I am ! I love style guides - especially when the prescribed styles are broadly in line with my preferred way of doing things , as this firm 's seems to be at first glance . ( This probably comes from my journalistic background or maybe just because I 'm a pedant . ) I 'm working in the part of the city where I started my working life as a journalist * mumbles incoherently * years ago . It feels kind of nice to be back . I got to finish early today . Yay . Posted by From retro French pop to sweaty rock n roll . . . This is one of my favourite Rolling Stones songs , Sweet Virginia , which features in Ladies and Gentlemen : The Rolling Stones movie I saw last night . The movie consists entirely of concert footage from the Stones ' 1972 tour to support the release of Exile on Main Street , the album on which Sweet Virgina appeared . It rained this morning , but when I went up the street around lunch time , the rain had cleared , the sun was out and there was steam rising from the warm , wet bitumen all around me . I spent the afternoon on the couch watching DVDs , which is something I rarely do . I had icecream with chocolate ice magic . I saw this passage by TS Eliot on a banner at the State Library 's Mirror of the World exhibition this afternoon after I finally finished my self - guided Walking Melbourne tour , and I thought it was apt . I have now visited and photographed every single one of the 235 significant buildings and landmarks in the National Trust guide , which also means I get to cross something else off my 101 Things To Do list . The final section of the tour took me to the north - west corner of the CBD , the area I had been working in until last Friday , so I now know the history of some of the old buildings I had previously admired and photographed . That part of the city has some of the city 's oldest buildings , including St James Old Cathedral which is the oldest building in Melbourne ( not imported from overseas ) . Construction began in 1839 , although it was moved from its original location to a site opposite Flagstaff Gardens in 1913 . There 's also this little house and shop on the corner of King and La Trobe Streets , which is one of only a few pre - gold rush buildings left in the city . After I finished my walking tour I popped in to visit the State Library ( if you 've never been , this is truly one of Melbourne 's best hidden gems . Go ! ) . I admired the wonderful domed reading room and also visited the smallest book and the largest book on display in the Mirror of the World exhibition . I always look at them when I go there . The smallest book is the Midget Encyclopedia , a collection of tiny books smaller than matchboxes which are accompanied by a weeny magnifying glass . Today it was open to Q for quagga . The largest book is the awesome Birds of America by renowned naturalist John James Audubon . It 's massive and open to a different page every time I go . ( According to the State Library website , its copy is one of only 120 known copies in the world . ) I also visted the Cowen Gallery at the library . I 'm not sure if they were there when I visited last , but the gallery has on display the last notes written by Burke and Wills before they died . As well as looking at significant buildings , I also lurked about city laneways taking photos during which I saw three different renderings of the Rolling Stones tongue motif in two different alleys ( probably all by the same person ) - on the same day that I was to see Ladies and Gentlemen : The Rolling Stones ( which was great , although Mick Jagger 's er . . . pantal region was distracting ) . Walking into the city beside the river this morning I saw a bird pecking at something on the path . I thought it was a large beetle at first but when the bird took flight at my approach , I bent down to have a look and it was a tiny crab . It saw me looking at it and it adopted a fighting pose with its little claws thrust up at me . Feisty ! Today I went to the inaugural Men of Letters , an event at which a very impressive line up of Australian creative types including Bob Ellis , Paul Kelly , Eddie Perfect and Tim Rogers , read out letters they had penned to women who changed their lives . It was a perfect mix of humourous , heartfelt and poetic letters , and also a few songs . All this as well as yummy mini cupcakes served to our table by co - curator Marieke Hardy in the fabulous Thornbury Theatre . Crepey My friend Luke and I had brunch before the show at a nearby cafe - I had a delicious crepe filled with summer fruit and topped with honey and yogurt . Who knew brunch could be so tasty without any bacon in it ? My music binge continues I 've been downloading heaps of music lately . My latest ' discovery ' , thanks to the iTunes ' listeners also bought ' feature , is Fabienne Delsol , a Frenchwoman living in England , who sings catchy retro ye - ye style pop songs - some in French , some in English , and several covers of Serge Gainsbourg songs from the 60s like this one : Vilaine fille , Mauvais garçon ( Naughty Girls and Bad Boys ) . Coincidentally , Fabienne Desol is signed to the same label as Holly Golightly and Ludella Black whose albums I 've also bought in the past few months , but I came across Fabienne when I was downloading a song by Lisa Mitchell . It 's like the internet knows me . I DON ' T HAVE TO GO TO WORK TOMORROW ! I haven 't really planned anything except going to see Ladies and Gentlemen : The Rolling Stones with a friend tomorrow night . I want to finally complete my self - guided Walking Melbourne tour either tomorrow or Tuesday too ( what horse race ? ) . Posted by I got up at 6 . 30 this morning . Yes , I know it 's the weekend . I 've been waking up at almost exactly 6 . 15 for the past few days and I thought it might do me good to listen to what my body 's trying to tell me , rather than giving in to my brain when it screams " ME NEED MOOOOOORE SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP ! " . I 'm still tired , but the day seems so much longer when you get up early , and you can pack so much more in . I 've had quite a productive day . I 'd like it if I could make a habit of this ( especially on work days ) . I woke up with a craving for juice which was nicely quenched by a carton of apple and passionfruit juice . Yum . I love passionfruit - the taste and the smell . It 's been raining all afternoon . I don 't mind , especially since it isn 't particularly cold . I had a gluten free kebab on Brunswick Street and watched people jumping puddles and running to get out of the rain as droplets coursed down the window in front of me . I like almost all the songs on Lisa Mitchell 's album Wonder ( the tour edition ) , but I 'm really enjoying her cover of Dire Straits ' Romeo and Juliet and look ! Here 's the song , if not a proper video . I finished my job today . No , I didn 't steal the stapler , but I did leave with a lovely bunch of flowers , a couple of new friends and the confidence - boosting knowledge that my abilities are well regarded by others ( more so than they are by me most of the time ) . Oh , and a skinful of champagne . I also met the woman whose job I was offered in another department - she just happens to be leaving to join the same firm I 'm going to . A friend took me out for dinner tonight to Guiseppe Arnaldo & Sons at Crown . It was a beautiful balmy night and the windows were open on to the promenade . I had minestrone and steak with rosemary & garlic potatoes . I ate four whole roasted garlic cloves , which I squeezed out of their skins . I don 't know why , but I like squeezing garlic cloves out of their skins . ( Lucky I won 't be kissing anyone tomorrow . ) To finish I had a blood orange granita with sweet cream - it was just like eating a Splice icecream . Yum . * I 've decided I 'm going to do NaBloPoMo again . I 've been posting every day for a few weeks and planned to keep going , so why not ? Posted by I escaped to the gardens to eat my lunch today . The sun and light breeze were divine . After I finished my sushi , I lay down on the grass , listened to music and watched the dragon flies zipping around against the bright blue sky . There 's something amusing about older men in business attire kicking off their shoes and lying on their stomachs on the grass . Only one day of my job to go . . . Today I was offered a job in a different department of the firm I 've been temping at for the past three months . When I told the HR adviser I 'd accepted a position elsewhere , she was obviously disappointed . She said the solictors in the new department ( whom I 'd met with yesterday ) were " excited " at the prospect of having me join the team . Aw . It feels a bit like when a date wants to see you again , but you don 't feel the same . I like you , but . . . I declined . The HR people hinted at offering more money to persuade me to stay with the firm . It 's a great confidence boost to know they are keen to keep me , but my mind is made up . They said they 'd be happy to have me back if my new job doesn 't work out and , although I hope it does , I 'm glad I 'm leaving on such good terms . I found out today my new job doesn 't start until Wednesday because of the Melbourne Cup public holiday on Tuesday . Hurrah ! A four day weekend for me ! Big news : I have a new job starting Monday at one of the biggest law firms in the country , in the area of law I 've always wanted to work in ( employment ) . Go , me ! I was surprised they offered me the role because I thought I performed poorly at the second interview ( and the first interview for that matter ) . I can only assume my * cough * winning personality and ease with the HR people made up for the shortcomings in my answers ( I 'm not being harsh on myself - some of my responses were pretty lame ) . It 's another temporary - with - a - view - to - permanent role like I 've been doing for the past three months , but hopefully I will want to stay in this one . Other good bits : it 's only a 20 minute walk from home , I 'll be working high up in that building ( above ) that I could see my house from the other day , and I get to start at 10am some days . From the major to the trivial . . . A robust stapler that doesn 't quail at fastening together a decent wad of paper is pleasing . I won 't miss too much about my current job , but I 'll miss that little black stapler . Posted by I love the contrast of new growth and weathered wood in the picture above . I took it near the old Sandridge Bridge walking home beside the Yarra tonight . I was taken out to lunch at the RACV Club today , which is always nice , but what made it even better was that the restaurant offered gluten free bread . You don 't find that very often . I know it doesn 't sound like a big deal to most people , but it was great to be able to eat a sandwich for lunch for the first time in ages . ( Unfortunately you can only dine there if you 're a member or accompanying a member ) . I got hugs and kisses from my adorable ' nephews ' today . The three - year - old boy called my apartment building a castle and said it was nice . My friend ( mother of said adorable nephews ) and I shopped til we dropped this weekend . I 've just had a long soak in the bath and now I 'm bed . I feel relaxed and sleepy . Goodnight . Posted by I bought new pyjama pants . They were $ 10 . They fit me perfectly . My shopping buddy and I arrived at DFO in the drizzle , but emerged into a perfect sunny afternoon . We ate dinner at a Greek restaurant in the Docklands . Mmmm , lamb . It was cooked to perfection . Posted by I saw the sea from a city building again today . The sea and much more besides , since I was on the 42nd floor this time . I could see tiny people kicking a ball around on the grassy flat in Birrarung Marr , lines of cars glinting like mica in the midday sun as they stretched into the distance and a wee yacht on the bay near the St Kilda pier . Oh , and my house . At least I thought I could pick out the tiled roof of my building anyway . I will never tire of saying , " I can see my house from here . No , really ! " . A girl serving me in a shop told me she liked my glasses ( I was wearing my new purple specs ) . When I was walking home in the twilight I looked up and the full moon hit my eye like a big pizza pie . Very light rain started to fall as I walked along the river . I liked it . AAMI Park sparkled like a very large jewel . I have downloaded two new albums ( new to me ) . The John Steel Singers ' LP The Beagle and The Dove , which is great , and also . . . Lisa Mitchell 's debut Wonder . I hesitated there because , as Aussies reading this might know , Lisa was a contestant on Australian Idol a few years back . I 'd not paid her debut album much attention due to music snobbery , but really , there 's a reason why she 's not being held back by the Idol stigma . Her album of sweet , quirky , catchy folk tunes is truly lovely . It 's a nice surprise when you discover your preconceived ideas were ill - founded . Opening your mind rarely ends badly . It 's hard to pick a favourite , but here 's one that has whistling in it : Posted by I detoured through the Botanic Gardens . I watched a hungry duck feeding . It looks like it 's having a laugh in the photo above , but it 's munching on bugs or weeds or whatever it found in the murky lake . I saw the cygnets . They 've grown ! I found some strange seed pods . I sat on a park bench dedicated by a man to his late wife . " Dance me to the end of love , " the inscription on the brass plate read . Aww . You might have noticed that I 've been posting every day for over a week now . You might think it 's because I 'm happy . I 'm not really . I started this blog as a form of self - help and that 's what my daily posting is about now : an attempt to drag myself out of the doldrums . I 'm struggling today , but I 've been saving this for such a day - Grover 's spoof of the Old Spice ad . I love Grover . He 's my favourite Muppet . Posted by I took this photo on Saturday in Caledonia Lane in the city . It 's the first work by this artist I 've seen and I really like it - it 's playful , mysterious , but also slightly creepy . Then today - thanks to a link tweeted by Hidden Secret Tours - I found out there are many more works by the same artist in the city and inner suburbs . I 'll be on the look out now . If you 're wondering about the words on the bottom of the picture above and the rest of the work , here 's another photo and a link : I was early for a meeting on the south side of my office building today and while I waited , I looked out the window and I could see the ocean in the distance . I thought " I see the sea ! " because that 's what I always think at first sight of the ocean - it 's what my brother and I used to say when we were kids and the sea came into view as we drove to Warrnambool ( I grew up near there ) . I could also see a tiny slice of the beautiful old Rialto building on Collins Street from my building . Posted by " Life is not meant to be easy , my child ; but take courage : it can also be delightful . " ( George Bernard Shaw ) . Hello ! My name is Jayne . I started Gleeful when I was feeling glum to encourage myself to look for and celebrate the little joys in life . It 's an exercise in mindfulness and gratitude - and it 's worked pretty well . I do it without thinking now . If my blog can brighten someone else 's day or encourage them to start noticing the simple pleasures in their own lives , that will be the icing on a very tasty cake . About me
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Another year almost done . . . In Decembers past I have posted a wrap up of the year 's most gleeful happenings without any attempt to weigh up the good with the bad because this blog is not concerned with bad stuff . But this year that approach doesn 't feel right . Good things - wonderful things - have happened , but 2010 has been the worst year of my life . As many of you know , my father died in April after being diagnosed with a terminal illness at the start of January . There 's probably nothing that could balance the 2010 scales of happiness after that . I 'm not happy really ( for various reasons related and unrelated to losing Dad ) , but I 'm working on it . That said , although Dad 's illness and death were harrowing , difficult times are fertile ground for personal growth , and so it was for me . I realised I am much stronger than I thought . You don 't really know what you 're capable of until you have to face it head on and just get on with it . I have more faith in myself now . I know that whatever happens , I 'll get through it . That 's a nice feeling . I never thought I would be able to stand up in front of all those people at Dad 's funeral and speak , but I had to do it for my Dad and I did ( I looked at my hands just before I stood up to speak and they weren 't even trembling ) . I can only describe the way I felt afterwards as euphoric . It was an awful day , but an amazing day . Anyway , enough of the bad - but - good stuff . Here 's the unadulterated good bits : * My trip to New York was far and away the best bit of 2010 , because it was my first ever trip overseas AND I WENT TO NEW YORK ! I fell instantly in love with the place . I had the best time and I 'm already thinking of going back . Taking an overseas trip was the number one thing on my list of 101 Things to do Before I 'm 40 and I crossed it off before the year was half over . I finally went to another country ! Finally ! * Not only did I take my first overseas trip , I did it on my own . I 'd never wanted to travel alone before ( partly why I got to 38 without having travelled ) and before Dad died I was a bit scared about it . I wasn 't sure how I 'd go . But after his funeral , I wasn 't worried at all and I didn 't need to be . I hit the ground running - I wasn 't scared , I didn 't feel overwhelmed , I didn 't get lost , I didn 't miss any flights and I cruised the subway like a native ( well , almost ) . I felt damned pleased with myself ! * I finally quit the mind numbing job that had me feeling like I was wasting my life away . It was like shedding an old skin and did wonders for my state of mind ( albeit temporarily ) . * I 've had no trouble finding new jobs , even if I haven 't settled into a permanent role yet . Despite feeling initially overwhelmed ( particularly in my first temp role ) , I 've surprised myself how with quickly I 've got the hang of things . I have more confidence in my abilities now . * I 'm working in the area of law I always wanted to work in and I 'm working in a top tier firm - it 's a looooooooooooong way away from my old job at the firm with 15 people ! What a year of high highs and low lows . It certainly hasn 't been boring ! It 's been a period of personal growth and some progress in a few areas where changes needed to be made . I 'm not where I want to be , but I 'm facing in the right direction at least . I 'm looking foward to 2011 . It 's going to be hard for it to be worse than this year , but I 'll probably also have to work at making it better than this year . I want to go overseas again , get settled into a permanent job once more , get some of my health issues sorted and . . . well , I 'd like to be in a relationship again . I 've had enough of singledom . You never know what 's around the corner . . . As always , I 've had lots of lovely feedback from you guys . I always say I write this blog for me , but really , it just wouldn 't be the same without the comments and emails from you . It 's gratifying to know people are reading my nerdy little ramblings ( and more so that they keep coming back to read more ) . You have consistently been a source of glee . Thank you , thank you , thank you . Wishing you a gleeful festive season and good health and happiness in 2011 . * I 'm visiting my mum for Christmas from 24 December until 2 January so posting will be sporadic at best . Posted by Mama and Papa Duck are one of two pairs of ducks who seem to call the banks of the Yarra between my place and the city home . I do see larger groups of ducks from time to time , but I see these two pairs on their own all the time ( although I suppose I 'm just assuming it 's the same pairs ! I need to start looking for disinguishing features . ) There 's also a pair of swans which live in the area and have hatched cygnets on the bank . I know they 're the same pair because one of them has a marker with a number around its neck . I like seeing the familiar birdy faces . It 's like having pets , but without responsibility and poop duties . I got my extended holiday ! Yay ! Just as well because I 've compiled a rather extensive to do list that will no doubt fill up the whole 16 days . Yesterday was my sixth anniversary of moving into this flat . That 's the longest I 've lived in one place since I left home ( although I was at my last place for five years ) . I can 't believe I 've got to stay so long here considering how often the flat has been sold , but I 'm so glad I have . I love it . I won 't be moving until I have to ( as much as I 'd like to live on the other side of the river ) . Posted by I went into the city today to do some Christmas shopping . I got sidetracked at Readers Feast and bought myself a new word book called I Never Knew There was a Word for It . It 's a collection of expressions from around the world for " any feeling , act , object , animal or vegetable you could ever possibly need to describe " . From the back cover alone I have learnt the words fisselig ( German for flustered into incompetence ) , noop ( the point of your elbow ) and crambazzled ( a Northern England word for a man who 's prematurely aged from drinking too much ) . You know what this means ? I 'm going to be bombarding you with lists of my favourite new words soon . I haven 't done that in ages . I won 't start reading it until after I 've finished Anne of Green Gables . I 've got to stop starting new books before finishing old ones . That reminds me . . . I have occasionally blogged about the pleasure of anticipation and I read this in Anne of Green Gables the other night , in a chapter headed ' The Delights of Anticipation ' : " You set your heart too much on things , Anne , " said Marilla with a sigh . " I " m afraid there will be a great many disappointments in store for you through life . " " Oh , Marilla , looking forward to things is half the pleasure of them , " exclaimed Anne . " You mayn 't get the things themselves ; but nothing can prevent you from having the fun of looking forward to them . Mrs Lynde says , ' Blessed are they who expect nothing for they shall not be disappointed . ' But I think it would be worse to expect nothing than to be disappointed . " I have requested a few extra days leave from work , which would extend my Christmas break from 10 days to 16 . I decided I need the rest more than I need the money . I haven 't had a decent break all year - and it 's been a big year ( the two weeks in New York was fantastic , but hardly restful ) . I 've got my fingers crossed . I 've kind of been enjoying not having to post every day now NaBloPoMo is over , but I 've saved up some gleeful stuff from the past few days . I had my work Christmas party on Friday night and it was fun . They really go all out . It was at the Grand Hyatt Ballroom ( lah - di - dah ) and , in keeping with the circus theme , there were acrobats , funny mirrors , plate spinners , stilt walkers , clowns and a ringmaster for emcee . The three course meal was delicious . The band was funky . The dancing was vigorous . The highlight of the night was the law graduate revue , which was a medley of singing , dancing , video vignettes and in - jokes ( most of which I understood . Yay ) . There were parodies of the Old Spice ad and Master Chef , and the finale was a spectacular rendition of Robbie Williams ' Let Me Entertain You ( substituting the name of the firm for ' Me ' ) . All in all , a great night . People say you 're just part of a faceless mob working at such a large firm , but it really feels like there 's a sense of community . Or maybe it 's still all too new for me to be cynical about it . . . . During the meal , one of my friends who started a couple of weeks before I did asked how old I am . Her mouth dropped when I told her . She thought I was younger than her . She 's 27 . For those who don 't know , I 'm 38 . I love that moment . ( That 's what staying out of the sun and wearing sunscreen can do for you . ) I was given a box of Lindor Balls on Friday as a thank you for my efforts preparing for a big trial that started in Sydney today . It wasn 't necessary ( especially as I 'm paid for overtime ! ) but it 's wonderful to know you 're appreciated . As if that weren 't enough , today the two solicitors on the case who are in Sydney had a box of cupcakes delivered for the many people who helped with preparations . A very lovely gesture . In even more work - related news , it looks like I will be made permanent at the firm , but not for another couple of months . I 'm starting a new role in the same group next week and they want to make sure that works out before they sign me up . Posted by I had to make up many archive boxes today . Although I find the sound of cardboard scraping on cardboard almost as bad as fingernails down a blackboard , I did enjoy snipping the plastic tape that holds the bundles of flat pack boxes together . My tram driver tonight ( a man in his 50s ) was wearing a Santa hat and had decorated his cabin with blue and gold tinsel . Teehee . I have 10 days off at Christmas ( the whole firm shuts up shop ) and I can 't wait , even though I won 't be paid for the leave . I 'm going to my mum 's in Wauchope ( northern NSW ) for a few days , then having a few days at home . I love having time at home on the holidays . I often find it more relaxing than going away . Not gerberas . . . geraniums in window boxes are everywhere in the inner city these days . I like it . ( That 's cnr Little Collins and Bank Place in the city . ) And I 'm back again even though I don 't have to be ! I got a bunch of happy orange gerberas from the partner I work for to say I 'm doing a great job . How lovely is that ? I feel good every time I look at them . I would have been pleased with the feedback alone , but the flowers make it extra special . The job is challenging , but I do feel like I 'm doing a good job . It 's far more satisfying than my mind numbing old job . As soon as I hit ' publish ' on this post , I will have kicked NaBloPoMo 's butt for the second year running . It wasn 't hard ( and bear in mind I 'd been posting daily for about two weeks before the start of November ) . I 'm a blogging machine ! I had my first ' late ' shift today - starting at 9 . 45am - and I was so busy that working until 6 . 00pm wasn 't a drag . I started reading Anne of Green Gables last night . It 's bizarre considering my great affection for the story that I 've never actually read the book . I 've only read Anne of Avonleigh which a relative gave to me when I was a kid . Clearly they didn 't know it was the second book of a series and I don 't know why I 've never gone back to read the set given how much I love the telemovie . I have the whole set on my to - read pile now though . I 'm picturing the characters from the telemovie in my head as I read . Look at these weeny ducklings ! They looked far too small to be braving the choppy waters of Victoria Harbour . I saw the mother duck first and the ducklings were so small I thought they were flotsam . But no . So cute . I walked from Harbour Town to Southbank this afternoon , with a detour to Victoria Harbour . I 've never really explored that area before . I walked until I was almost under the Bolte Bridge . On my way into the city this morning I passed a gaggle of cyclists dressed up steampunk style . There was one guy on a pennyfarthing and one man on a gigantic tricycle . Yesterday there was a man in Myer playing a ukelele and a girl walking down the street in a tutu and ballet shoes . Posted by Photo taken on my new phone with a vintagey look . Wish my eyes were really that green . Oh , those are my new specs . Forgot to post a pic before . I had my eyebrows professionally seen to this afternoon for the first time . They didn 't need to be shaped because nature kindly did a fine job of shaping them for me , so the brow girl only tidied them up . It really makes a difference . I can 't stop looking at them . I also got my hair cut and coloured - not quite as short as usual and a little more blue in my blue / black ( hey , hold those blue rinse jokes ! ) The two women who work in the salon are both from Asian countries ( one from Indonesia , not sure about the other ) . They love my pale skin . It 's a pleasant change from being surrounded by women with fake tans who probably look at me and think I could do with a bit of colour . I walked to a polling booth to vote in the State election this morning . My neighbourhood is staid and lacking cultural diversity , but damn it 's pretty . ( I stayed in this place for a couple of weeks when it was a grungy boarding house . Now it seems to be a big posh residence . ) And I spotted an old sign . Anyone know what it says ? It backs onto Park Street , South Yarra . There 's also a P , so it 's . . . . PLES . Do you think it could be Maples , like the old piano store on Swan Street , Richmond ? Perhaps this was their factory ? Posted by I arrived at work to find a ladybird chocolate and a little Christmas note from a woman in my department who 's now on leave for the rest of the year ( * goes green with envy * ) . Everyone got one . How sweet is that ? It was all work , work , work after that . It was crazy busy and I felt a little overwhelmed , which wasn 't pleasant , but it was great to leave at the end of the day feeling like I did a good day 's work ( especially knowing I don 't have to go back for two days ! ) It rained again . I could just hear it spattering on the windows at work and then a minute later I looked up and it was fine again . Ah , Melbourne , you and your four seasons ! How ace is it when you buy something and it scans through at even less than the ticketed price ? That happened to me tonight - a pair of shoes which were already cheap as scanned at $ 20 ! Got the flat to myself for the weekend . Wooooh ! I 'm playing some loud music . Posted by I got a nice surprise when I used the ATM this afternoon - I 've got WAY more money in the bank than I expected . I was anticipating a large wad of cash to hit my account in the process of moving my money into a new investment , but I 'm not sure why I have so much . No doubt there will be a logical explanation that isn 't " the share price went through the ROOF and you 're now much richer than before ! Wooooh ! " . Another perk of working for a large firm : when you have a meeting in one of the rooms on reception level , you get offered hot beverages and snacks . The coffee and tea list would put many cafes to shame ( the firm does have a professional in - house kitchen ) . Someone else ordered hot chocolate before me this morning , so I asked for one too . It even came with marshmallows . I have started working the ' early ' shift on Wednesdays - an 8 . 00 am start and 4 . 15pm finish . Not so keen on the earlier start ( yes , I know 8am isn 't that early ) , but the early finish is ace . I 'm also doing late shifts ( 9 . 45am - 6 . 00 pm ) on Mondays from now on . A later start on a Monday ! Wooh ! It seems to be bark shedding season for eucaplytus trees . I 'm a dead - leaf - cruncher from way back , but bark gives an even more satisfying crack ! when you step on it . I caught a glimpse of the sun peeking over the horizon this morning when I briefly got up to pull my blind down ( er . . . so the sun wouldn 't keep me awake . I was too tired to stay up and watch it rise or even take a photo ) . I donated blood again today , my sixth donation . It hurt more than any other ( during and after ) , but I just tried to think about the good that my blood will do for others and about how I 'm a " ' good bleeder " with " great veins " . Go , me ! I love the cracking , clinking , pinging sound ice makes when you drop it into a tall glass of water . My spathiphyllum has four flowers on it now . * admires own green thumb * I heard a new song featuring Lisa Mitchell on the radio when I was in the bath last night - she sings vocals on this Andy Bull track called Dog . I like it . For the past three work days , I have been passed on the path to the city by a woman riding a bike and wearing a green cardigan ( I think she really likes that cardy ) . Today I saw her on my lunch break as well . You know what 's better than crunchy peanut butter ? Super crunchy peanut butter , that 's what . Posted by My outfit for my work Christmas party is almost complete . Today I bought a pouffy petticoat to go under my 50s style dress , and shoes . I tried it all on when I got home and I 'm very happy with it , although I 'm not used to looking so girly . ( Sorry , no photos until party night ! ) I visited Retrostar Clothing on the first floor of the fabulous Nicholas Building for the first time today in my search for a pouffy petticoat . Retrostar is chockful of vintage stuff , but the building itself is just as big an attraction . The arched leadlight shopfronts are lovely . I was over Collingwood / Brunswick way again today . I found more old signs . Vaccinations every morning . Teeth extracted . That 's all I can make out . Gertrude Street . I think this is one sign over the top of the other - one looks like Winfield cigarettes . Also Gertrude Street . I went to a real - world Twitter meet up last night in the city . I met some cool people . I got hugs . Ace . Today was a perfect spring day . Sunshine , blue sky , light breezes . I went to the gym , walked home in the sun and then launched into a cleaning frenzy ( a rare event ) . I even mopped the floors . I feel pleasantly weary and pleased with my efforts . I found $ 2 on a seat at the cinema . Wooh . I saw The American , which was long and rather dull , but at least we saw George Clooney with his shirt off . I have discovered a new gluten - free breakfast cereal called Cookie Bitez . It 's in the same category as Cocopops when it comes to nutrition , but it 's yummy . I got a courier delivery at work today . I love that . Getting a nice surprise at work is almost the best reason to shop online . I ordered a 50s style dress for my work Christmas party in a few weeks ( a black tie event at a posh hotel in the city ) . The dress only took a week to get here from the US , it fits and looks good . Phew . Now for shoes . . . I 'm so glad it 's the weekend . I had an intense day of formal and on - the - job training almost from start to finish today and my brain needs some time out . I forgot to buy a sandwich at the cafe with gluten free bread . Something for Monday . Posted by The view from my office window turned completely to white during the rain this morning . I 'm not sure if we were in the clouds or if the rain was heavy ( or both ) , but we couldn 't see anything . Eventually the city re - emerged as the rain eased . I found a Freddo Frog in my pocket when I left work tonight . Yay ! I 'd forgotten it was there from lunch time . Ten minutes later I pulled my iPod out of my pocket and a Caramello Koala came out with it . I forgot that was there too . Double yay ! ( Absentmindedness again proves to be a source of joy . . . ) I was thrilled today to find a cafe near my office that offers gluten - free bread . I 'm looking forward to having a sandwich for lunch tomorrow instead of sushi . I 've been listening to The White Stripes again lately . I love this old cover of Black Jack Davey . Posted by My building has big revolving doors at the front and back entrance . I like to dash in at the last minute before the opening closes off . It makes me feel like Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark when he just manages to escape under the stone door before it slams shut . ( I think that was in Raiders . I saw it at the Hamilton Drive - in when I was a kid . I got a Raiders of the Lost Ark sticker . ) There wasn 't a cloud in the sky when I left for work this morning . I wore a new pair of pants to work . It 's a nice feeling . This morning I shared the lift in my super corporate office building with a pony . A large , plush , pink and aqua pony . The woman carrying it decided her daughter had outgrown it and she 'd brought it to work to give to someone else 's daughter . The two black swans who frequent the stretch of the Yarra between my house and the city were sitting on the grassy bank , engrossed in a vigorous grooming session , when I walked past on my way to work . A woman stopped me to ask directions as I was walking home . I like giving people directions . Helpful directions , not rude ones . Today was my first day of flying solo at work and I did fine . The lights in the open plan area of my office weren 't working until lunch time . I liked it . I wish it were like that all the time . What 's wrong with mood lighting at work , that 's what I want to know . Peanut butter toast is the best . Warm , crunchy , melty goodness . Posted by My photo blog has finally inched up to 50 followers . * blows party whistle * I 'm pretty happy about that . My follower list is displayed a little randomly , so I 'm not entirely sure who the new addition is , but if you 're reading this , thank you ! Now that I 've discovered the stats feature on my Blogger dashboard , I 'm checking it daily . Last night I found the bit where you can see how people came to visit your site . Two people found my Girl in Melbourne blog by seaching for ' nips girl ' . Haha . What ? Here are the search terms people used to find Gleeful : wasket ( 8 ) simple glee blog ( 3 ) dr suess wisket wasket ( 2 ) i see a little silhoutte of a clam ( 2 ) " do not taunt the octopus " ( 1 ) courage glee ( 1 ) diffendoofer quotes ( 1 ) do not taunt the octopus ( 1 ) dont taunt the octopus ( 1 ) This list makes me laugh . Love the strong presence of Dr Seuss and the cantankerous octopus . I googled ' do not taunt the octopus ' just then and my blog is the second non - image result . That pleases me very much . It also pleases me to see that you can buy badges and T - shirts with ' Do not taunt the octopus ' on them . I 'll just update my Christmas wishlist . . . . I stumbled across a fantastic vintage store on Smith Street in Collingwood today called Vintage Garage . I don 't know how I 've missed it before , especially as the counter - visible from the doorway - is the front end of a bright red 50s American car . The store is huge and full of racks and racks of clothes and shoes ( mainly women 's ) from the 50s to the 80s , as well as some furniture , old records , jewellery , homewares and even a few old typewriters . And of course the music was cool - Beatles , Buddy Holly and Johnny O ' Keefe , and Peggy Lee was singing Fever when I went in . It 's important to match your shirt to your furniture I ate a toasted sesame seed bagel with cream cheese at Bean & Bagel on my way up to Brunswick Street . It was delicious - as good as any I ate in New York . * sigh * I miss New York . Today on Smith Street I saw a man in red and black striped velvet pants and on the tram on Brunswick Street I sat near a woman wearing bright yellow clogs with red socks and a large pouffy tulle thing on her head . God , I love that part of town . I almost hope I get evicted next year so I can move there - or better , that I could shift my current flat over there ( I love it too much to leave of my own free will ) . I love these old post boxes on Brunswick Street I 've been using the camera on my new phone a little in the last week . It . Is . Awesome . I probably don 't even need to carry my Canon around with me anymore . Last night while messing about on Blogger I discovered there 's a link to my blogs ' stats on my dashboard . It 's probably been there for months , hasn 't it ? Never mind . I had a look and was pleasantly surprised . I don 't get a lot of comments , so it 's nice to know people are visiting , if not leaving comments . Thanks , guys . I 'm going to see The Black Keys in February ! Yay ! I got the email notification about their Big Day Out sideshows at lunch time today and bought my ticket when I got home tonight . It will be my first time seeing them live . I can 't wait . Here 's some live Black Keys action for you : This week 's That 's Melbourne ! email newsletter from the City of Melbourne came with the subject line " Hector the Cat would approve " ( in reference to a road safety computer game ) . Do any of my Aussie readers remember Hector the Cat ? I wonder if Google knows who he is . . . Yes , it does ! The internet is ace . I 'm loving my shorter walk to work and being able to sleep a bit later . I 've been working ' normal ' shifts - not that 9 . 00am to 5 . 15pm seems normal to me - and I 've been told they need people to work the ' late ' shift , which means I could have mornings where I start at 9 . 45 . I could get up at 8 . 30 ! God , I love the sound of that . Posted by Last night I had a bowl of vanilla icecream sprinkled with Rice Bubbles and topped with generous layer of Ice Magic . It was delicious . Just like a Crunch bar . I was the first person to a training session in my building this morning and I had time to snap a picture of the view before the others arrived . ( My new phone has an 8 megapixel camera ! ) I 've worked a full week in my job . I still like it a lot . The people are SO friendly . Oh , and I have the same kind of stapler as the ace one in my last job . Yay . Maybe it 's because I like my new job , but my work day positively zipped by today . One minute it was 10 . 30am and then 20 minutes later it was 12 . 15pm and before I knew it , it was home time . Awesome ! ( As much as I like the job , I still like not being at work more . ) I ate my lunch in the Treasury Gardens . They 're much nicer than the Flagstaff Gardens near my old office . There were lots of workers enjoying the sun , including one man in business attire lying flat on his back with his shoes and socks off . Teehee . The Federation Bells were chiming when I walked past on my way home . It sounds like discordant clanging to me , but it moved a nearby toddler to a burst of pram dancing . I read this story on The Age website on Friday night , but forgot to mention it . It 's so lovely , it brings a tear to my eye . Sometimes old fashioned things are far superior to their modern replacements - like buying your meat at the butcher shop instead of the supermarket . Last year , for boring reasons related to my allergy elimination diet , I started buying my meat from the local butcher instead of the supermarket , and it 's such a pleasure I 've kept going . I haven 't noticed a marked difference in price or quality , but it 's so nice to be greeted pesonally , and to have a chat and a joke while you shop . OK , I admit I have a crush on one of the young butchers , which means I now look forward to purchasing meat like I never have before ! ( Save your meat double entendres . I 'm sure I 've heard them already . ) I 'm always a little let down if he doesn 't serve me , but all the other butchers are so friendly and chatty that I soon get over it . And there 's always next week . . . Even without the crush - factor , I 'd still shop there . There 's nothing like old fashioned , personal customer service . When 's the last time there was a butcher loitering in the meat section at the supermarket to tell you how to cook a particular cut of meat or chat about the football or ask how your weekend 's going ? And to top it off , depending on what you buy , there 's less packaging waste from shopping at the local butcher too ( I detest those stupid non - recyclable plastic meat trays ) . I just wish there were still a greengrocer in my local shopping strip . Food shopping is one of the most inconvenient things about not owning a car . I 'd love to avoid shopping at the evil Big Two supermarkets altogether , but it 's time consuming without wheels . I got a new toy today - an HTC Desire HD Android smartphone , which I think was only released in Australia yesterday . I 'm not used to being such an early adopter . It 's kind of exciting . . . but the phone is so advanced compared to my old one that it 's a bit puzzling . Something else to get the hang of . . . at least I 'm helping to stave off alzheimer 's with all this learning . I went to the movies on my own again today ( to see Gainsbourg ) . I 'm completely unfazed by it now . I 've decided I 'm going to push myself to cross my final flying solo frontier - I 'm going to go to a pub gig on my own . . . at some stage . I saw my old osteopath today ( to say hello , not for a treatment ) . He 's been working one Saturday a month back at the same Melbourne clinic for the past few months , but today was the first time I 've managed to cross paths with him . It was good to see him , albeit briefly . Posted by I 've probably mentioned this before , but it bears repeating : changing out of your work shoes into sneakers is fantastic . Changing from your work clothes into your pjs is pretty good too . ( I 'm also wearing a Fraggle Rock T - shirt I got at Dimmeys for $ 5 ) . I 'm pleased my new firm also has casual Fridays , although casual seems to be less casual at this place ( which isn 't a bad thing ) . Today was my first full day on the job and I had a lot to take in , but I still don 't feel overwhelmed . I 've got a good trainer , who keeps telling me how happy they are to have me ( mostly because they needed an extra pair of hands , I think ! ) and that I 'm doing well . The feedback is appreciated . I didn 't get much feedback in my old temp assignment - I had to resign before I found out I was doing a good job ! I finished my initial induction training today and I 'm feeling calm and confident about getting down to work . It 's a nice feeling . I still have a lot to learn though . . . I met many of the people in my practice group this afternoon and they were all very nice and welcoming . I 'm feeling really good about my decision to take this job , although it still seems surreal . I can 't believe I 'm working at this place - one of the biggest and best law firms in the country ! It 's a big , bright new world and so far I like it . Even though the firm is huge , my initial impression is that it 's quite down to earth and not at all stuffy . I 'm working on the 47th floor . There are breathtaking views from every window ( Melbourne , you so purdy ! ) . My desk is on the west side , so in winter I 'll be able to see the sunset . Working past sunset in the winter might be a little easier to bear when I can look out and see the city lights twinkling too ( but that 's a way off yet - best not get ahead of myself . ) Off AC / DC Lane , which is right behind my new office I started my new job today - or at least I fronted up for the first day of induction training . I wasn 't anywhere near as nervous as when I started my last temp role , which was a relief and perhaps a sign I have greater confidence in my abilities after my stint at a mid - tier firm . I was happy to discover the document management system is very similar to what I 'd been using in my last temp role , which should alleviate the information overload and flatten the learning curve a little . It sounds bad to be pleased about that , but I find learning new computer stuff stressful , and it 's only three months since I went through that onslaught . Of course , the feeling you get when you master the new systems makes the stress worthwhile . I was overwhelmed at the beginning of my last assignment - everything was new to me - but I surprised myself by getting the hang of it quickly . I might not like learning new computer stuff , but apparently I 'm pretty good at it ! I was given a copy of the firm 's hefty style guide ( ie the rules for written communications , not office attire ! ) , but I was disappointed I didn 't get to have a good look at it today . What a nerd I am ! I love style guides - especially when the prescribed styles are broadly in line with my preferred way of doing things , as this firm 's seems to be at first glance . ( This probably comes from my journalistic background or maybe just because I 'm a pedant . ) I 'm working in the part of the city where I started my working life as a journalist * mumbles incoherently * years ago . It feels kind of nice to be back . I got to finish early today . Yay . Posted by From retro French pop to sweaty rock n roll . . . This is one of my favourite Rolling Stones songs , Sweet Virginia , which features in Ladies and Gentlemen : The Rolling Stones movie I saw last night . The movie consists entirely of concert footage from the Stones ' 1972 tour to support the release of Exile on Main Street , the album on which Sweet Virgina appeared . It rained this morning , but when I went up the street around lunch time , the rain had cleared , the sun was out and there was steam rising from the warm , wet bitumen all around me . I spent the afternoon on the couch watching DVDs , which is something I rarely do . I had icecream with chocolate ice magic . I saw this passage by TS Eliot on a banner at the State Library 's Mirror of the World exhibition this afternoon after I finally finished my self - guided Walking Melbourne tour , and I thought it was apt . I have now visited and photographed every single one of the 235 significant buildings and landmarks in the National Trust guide , which also means I get to cross something else off my 101 Things To Do list . The final section of the tour took me to the north - west corner of the CBD , the area I had been working in until last Friday , so I now know the history of some of the old buildings I had previously admired and photographed . That part of the city has some of the city 's oldest buildings , including St James Old Cathedral which is the oldest building in Melbourne ( not imported from overseas ) . Construction began in 1839 , although it was moved from its original location to a site opposite Flagstaff Gardens in 1913 . There 's also this little house and shop on the corner of King and La Trobe Streets , which is one of only a few pre - gold rush buildings left in the city . After I finished my walking tour I popped in to visit the State Library ( if you 've never been , this is truly one of Melbourne 's best hidden gems . Go ! ) . I admired the wonderful domed reading room and also visited the smallest book and the largest book on display in the Mirror of the World exhibition . I always look at them when I go there . The smallest book is the Midget Encyclopedia , a collection of tiny books smaller than matchboxes which are accompanied by a weeny magnifying glass . Today it was open to Q for quagga . The largest book is the awesome Birds of America by renowned naturalist John James Audubon . It 's massive and open to a different page every time I go . ( According to the State Library website , its copy is one of only 120 known copies in the world . ) I also visted the Cowen Gallery at the library . I 'm not sure if they were there when I visited last , but the gallery has on display the last notes written by Burke and Wills before they died . As well as looking at significant buildings , I also lurked about city laneways taking photos during which I saw three different renderings of the Rolling Stones tongue motif in two different alleys ( probably all by the same person ) - on the same day that I was to see Ladies and Gentlemen : The Rolling Stones ( which was great , although Mick Jagger 's er . . . pantal region was distracting ) . Walking into the city beside the river this morning I saw a bird pecking at something on the path . I thought it was a large beetle at first but when the bird took flight at my approach , I bent down to have a look and it was a tiny crab . It saw me looking at it and it adopted a fighting pose with its little claws thrust up at me . Feisty ! Today I went to the inaugural Men of Letters , an event at which a very impressive line up of Australian creative types including Bob Ellis , Paul Kelly , Eddie Perfect and Tim Rogers , read out letters they had penned to women who changed their lives . It was a perfect mix of humourous , heartfelt and poetic letters , and also a few songs . All this as well as yummy mini cupcakes served to our table by co - curator Marieke Hardy in the fabulous Thornbury Theatre . Crepey My friend Luke and I had brunch before the show at a nearby cafe - I had a delicious crepe filled with summer fruit and topped with honey and yogurt . Who knew brunch could be so tasty without any bacon in it ? My music binge continues I 've been downloading heaps of music lately . My latest ' discovery ' , thanks to the iTunes ' listeners also bought ' feature , is Fabienne Delsol , a Frenchwoman living in England , who sings catchy retro ye - ye style pop songs - some in French , some in English , and several covers of Serge Gainsbourg songs from the 60s like this one : Vilaine fille , Mauvais garçon ( Naughty Girls and Bad Boys ) . Coincidentally , Fabienne Desol is signed to the same label as Holly Golightly and Ludella Black whose albums I 've also bought in the past few months , but I came across Fabienne when I was downloading a song by Lisa Mitchell . It 's like the internet knows me . I DON ' T HAVE TO GO TO WORK TOMORROW ! I haven 't really planned anything except going to see Ladies and Gentlemen : The Rolling Stones with a friend tomorrow night . I want to finally complete my self - guided Walking Melbourne tour either tomorrow or Tuesday too ( what horse race ? ) . Posted by I got up at 6 . 30 this morning . Yes , I know it 's the weekend . I 've been waking up at almost exactly 6 . 15 for the past few days and I thought it might do me good to listen to what my body 's trying to tell me , rather than giving in to my brain when it screams " ME NEED MOOOOOORE SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP ! " . I 'm still tired , but the day seems so much longer when you get up early , and you can pack so much more in . I 've had quite a productive day . I 'd like it if I could make a habit of this ( especially on work days ) . I woke up with a craving for juice which was nicely quenched by a carton of apple and passionfruit juice . Yum . I love passionfruit - the taste and the smell . It 's been raining all afternoon . I don 't mind , especially since it isn 't particularly cold . I had a gluten free kebab on Brunswick Street and watched people jumping puddles and running to get out of the rain as droplets coursed down the window in front of me . I like almost all the songs on Lisa Mitchell 's album Wonder ( the tour edition ) , but I 'm really enjoying her cover of Dire Straits ' Romeo and Juliet and look ! Here 's the song , if not a proper video . I finished my job today . No , I didn 't steal the stapler , but I did leave with a lovely bunch of flowers , a couple of new friends and the confidence - boosting knowledge that my abilities are well regarded by others ( more so than they are by me most of the time ) . Oh , and a skinful of champagne . I also met the woman whose job I was offered in another department - she just happens to be leaving to join the same firm I 'm going to . A friend took me out for dinner tonight to Guiseppe Arnaldo & Sons at Crown . It was a beautiful balmy night and the windows were open on to the promenade . I had minestrone and steak with rosemary & garlic potatoes . I ate four whole roasted garlic cloves , which I squeezed out of their skins . I don 't know why , but I like squeezing garlic cloves out of their skins . ( Lucky I won 't be kissing anyone tomorrow . ) To finish I had a blood orange granita with sweet cream - it was just like eating a Splice icecream . Yum . * I 've decided I 'm going to do NaBloPoMo again . I 've been posting every day for a few weeks and planned to keep going , so why not ? Posted by I escaped to the gardens to eat my lunch today . The sun and light breeze were divine . After I finished my sushi , I lay down on the grass , listened to music and watched the dragon flies zipping around against the bright blue sky . There 's something amusing about older men in business attire kicking off their shoes and lying on their stomachs on the grass . Only one day of my job to go . . . Today I was offered a job in a different department of the firm I 've been temping at for the past three months . When I told the HR adviser I 'd accepted a position elsewhere , she was obviously disappointed . She said the solictors in the new department ( whom I 'd met with yesterday ) were " excited " at the prospect of having me join the team . Aw . It feels a bit like when a date wants to see you again , but you don 't feel the same . I like you , but . . . I declined . The HR people hinted at offering more money to persuade me to stay with the firm . It 's a great confidence boost to know they are keen to keep me , but my mind is made up . They said they 'd be happy to have me back if my new job doesn 't work out and , although I hope it does , I 'm glad I 'm leaving on such good terms . I found out today my new job doesn 't start until Wednesday because of the Melbourne Cup public holiday on Tuesday . Hurrah ! A four day weekend for me ! Big news : I have a new job starting Monday at one of the biggest law firms in the country , in the area of law I 've always wanted to work in ( employment ) . Go , me ! I was surprised they offered me the role because I thought I performed poorly at the second interview ( and the first interview for that matter ) . I can only assume my * cough * winning personality and ease with the HR people made up for the shortcomings in my answers ( I 'm not being harsh on myself - some of my responses were pretty lame ) . It 's another temporary - with - a - view - to - permanent role like I 've been doing for the past three months , but hopefully I will want to stay in this one . Other good bits : it 's only a 20 minute walk from home , I 'll be working high up in that building ( above ) that I could see my house from the other day , and I get to start at 10am some days . From the major to the trivial . . . A robust stapler that doesn 't quail at fastening together a decent wad of paper is pleasing . I won 't miss too much about my current job , but I 'll miss that little black stapler . Posted by I love the contrast of new growth and weathered wood in the picture above . I took it near the old Sandridge Bridge walking home beside the Yarra tonight . I was taken out to lunch at the RACV Club today , which is always nice , but what made it even better was that the restaurant offered gluten free bread . You don 't find that very often . I know it doesn 't sound like a big deal to most people , but it was great to be able to eat a sandwich for lunch for the first time in ages . ( Unfortunately you can only dine there if you 're a member or accompanying a member ) . I got hugs and kisses from my adorable ' nephews ' today . The three - year - old boy called my apartment building a castle and said it was nice . My friend ( mother of said adorable nephews ) and I shopped til we dropped this weekend . I 've just had a long soak in the bath and now I 'm bed . I feel relaxed and sleepy . Goodnight . Posted by I bought new pyjama pants . They were $ 10 . They fit me perfectly . My shopping buddy and I arrived at DFO in the drizzle , but emerged into a perfect sunny afternoon . We ate dinner at a Greek restaurant in the Docklands . Mmmm , lamb . It was cooked to perfection . Posted by I saw the sea from a city building again today . The sea and much more besides , since I was on the 42nd floor this time . I could see tiny people kicking a ball around on the grassy flat in Birrarung Marr , lines of cars glinting like mica in the midday sun as they stretched into the distance and a wee yacht on the bay near the St Kilda pier . Oh , and my house . At least I thought I could pick out the tiled roof of my building anyway . I will never tire of saying , " I can see my house from here . No , really ! " . A girl serving me in a shop told me she liked my glasses ( I was wearing my new purple specs ) . When I was walking home in the twilight I looked up and the full moon hit my eye like a big pizza pie . Very light rain started to fall as I walked along the river . I liked it . AAMI Park sparkled like a very large jewel . I have downloaded two new albums ( new to me ) . The John Steel Singers ' LP The Beagle and The Dove , which is great , and also . . . Lisa Mitchell 's debut Wonder . I hesitated there because , as Aussies reading this might know , Lisa was a contestant on Australian Idol a few years back . I 'd not paid her debut album much attention due to music snobbery , but really , there 's a reason why she 's not being held back by the Idol stigma . Her album of sweet , quirky , catchy folk tunes is truly lovely . It 's a nice surprise when you discover your preconceived ideas were ill - founded . Opening your mind rarely ends badly . It 's hard to pick a favourite , but here 's one that has whistling in it : Posted by I detoured through the Botanic Gardens . I watched a hungry duck feeding . It looks like it 's having a laugh in the photo above , but it 's munching on bugs or weeds or whatever it found in the murky lake . I saw the cygnets . They 've grown ! I found some strange seed pods . I sat on a park bench dedicated by a man to his late wife . " Dance me to the end of love , " the inscription on the brass plate read . Aww . You might have noticed that I 've been posting every day for over a week now . You might think it 's because I 'm happy . I 'm not really . I started this blog as a form of self - help and that 's what my daily posting is about now : an attempt to drag myself out of the doldrums . I 'm struggling today , but I 've been saving this for such a day - Grover 's spoof of the Old Spice ad . I love Grover . He 's my favourite Muppet . Posted by I took this photo on Saturday in Caledonia Lane in the city . It 's the first work by this artist I 've seen and I really like it - it 's playful , mysterious , but also slightly creepy . Then today - thanks to a link tweeted by Hidden Secret Tours - I found out there are many more works by the same artist in the city and inner suburbs . I 'll be on the look out now . If you 're wondering about the words on the bottom of the picture above and the rest of the work , here 's another photo and a link : I was early for a meeting on the south side of my office building today and while I waited , I looked out the window and I could see the ocean in the distance . I thought " I see the sea ! " because that 's what I always think at first sight of the ocean - it 's what my brother and I used to say when we were kids and the sea came into view as we drove to Warrnambool ( I grew up near there ) . I could also see a tiny slice of the beautiful old Rialto building on Collins Street from my building . Posted by " Life is not meant to be easy , my child ; but take courage : it can also be delightful . " ( George Bernard Shaw ) . Hello ! My name is Jayne . I started Gleeful when I was feeling glum to encourage myself to look for and celebrate the little joys in life . It 's an exercise in mindfulness and gratitude - and it 's worked pretty well . I do it without thinking now . If my blog can brighten someone else 's day or encourage them to start noticing the simple pleasures in their own lives , that will be the icing on a very tasty cake . About me
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There were numerous uniforms from all sides as well , some with incredible stories . Divers retrieved a German sailor 's shirt from a wreck off the coast of Norway and the museum 's collector spent five years trying to track down its original owner , whose name was stitched inside the shirt . The man had spent time in Canada as a POW and then settled there after the war . When he was finally located and contacted , he replied with a Christmas card filled with a shaky old man 's hand , offering warm greetings and noting he had some photos he could send to supplement the display . In case : paper shoes " not for the wearing in rain " my guide helpfully noted . On top of case , jar of greenhouse - grown tobacco from the 1940s . The volunteer staffer opened it and it smelled fresh . Not sure I believe it was that old , but if it was , wow . Aside from the overall focus of the collection , I loved the English translations on the signage . Don 't get me wrong : I 'm not mocking the translator . Sure , there were errors , but no more than the average Facebook post from a native English speaker . But there was often a jauntiness to the wording that just tickled me . It began with a circuit of Svolvaer 's electrifying downtown … as dead at 9 am on a workday as it was at 5 pm the day before . Where are all the people in this place ? It 's a neat town , with no sign of economic turmoil , mass heroin addiction or urban blight of any kind . Why is no one about ? At least the tourist information office opened as scheduled at 10 . Whew . After booking a boat trip to Trollfjord - the area 's " must - do " activity - with the lone remaining company running tours this late in the season , I asked the kindly older tourist information staffer if she could recommend a nice walk for the three and a half hours I had before the boat . Without hesitation , she showed me on an area map how to get to Tjeldbergtinden , a " little bump " from which I would be afforded wonderful views , and it was such an easy walk ! Well , sign me up . She told me it would take me 15 minutes to walk to the trailhead , and then perhaps another 45 minutes up and back . It took me almost half an hour to walk through the suburbs and find the trailhead , at least as she described it ( I looked online at Wundermap later and saw there was another , easier route mostly on gravel road ) . The trail itself was obvious enough once I found it , but it was also all wet rock and mud on a consistently steep incline . This was my first actual hike since I was in Tasmania last November , so I wasn 't exactly physically ready for it . Another view . Note the dark clouds moving in from the east ( right ) . Within five minutes the spot where I 'd been standing was thick with fog . I 'm not sure how far up I was supposed to go . I 'd reached a ridge that continued to lead upward a fair way to a rocky peak , much more to the south than the Tjeldbergtinden marked on the map . With the weather worsening and time ticking away ( I 'd spent an hour climbing ) , I decided to turn around and head back down . Something about the shape of this island made me think " Jurassic Park - the Arctic version " ( yes , I am still well above the Arctic Circle . Thanks to the Gulf Stream , the Lofoten Islands enjoy the " greatest positive average temperature anomaly in the world " compared with places at a similar latitude . Take that , Greenland and Alaska ! ) I just love the shapes of these mountains . Apparently they are a mere 10 , 000 years old . Awww , they 're just babies ! No wonder they 're so cute ! Uhm … is it ? I don 't know . I signed up for a trip through the Trollfjord , allegedly the most beautiful in the Lofotens , and so narrow that the famous Hurtigruten ferry cannot enter it . Or so I had heard . As fjords go , the Trollfjord is pretty . But all fjords are pretty . It was not particularly spectacular , nor did it seem as narrow as the Naeroyfjord I saw south of here several years ago . And the freakin ' Hurtigruten most definitely fits . The big ship came with us all the way to the end of the fjord , then had the cajones to show off by doing a 360 while our smaller boat circled it in a weird kind of boat tango performance . [ * Helfdane the Fat is one of my favorite characters in my co - favorite movie ( it 's tied with The Princess Bride ) , The 13th Warrior . What ? ! You haven 't seen The 13th Warrior ? ! Get thee to a Red Box or Netflix forthwith ! ] At first I was bummed that renting a car and driving myself wasn 't really an option . Then I realized it was a good thing I wasn 't behind the wheel - I never would have gotten anywhere ! I 'd be pulling off the side of the road every 20 meters to take another photo . Fortunately for all involved , there was no fence - jumping needed . The museum , in Borg , was in the last days of its summer season ( as of Sunday they 'll be open only five hours a day for two days a week ) . Many of the live demonstrations , such as the smithy , were already closed , as was the lamb stew and mead - serving cafe , but I can 't complain . It was one of the most smartly - designed , entertaining museums I 've been to , and that it was all about vikings made it even better . The museum is built beside the excavated remains of the largest Viking house ever found . Not just in the Lofotens , not just in Norway . In the world . The museum 's developers left the original remains of the house in place and did a full reconstruction immediately beside it . To get to it , you go through a new three - room exhibit hall where nifty mp3 player - like , remote synced audio tours guide you from one topic to the next . There 's also a 15 minute film that creates a slightly hokey but interesting narrative about the last Viking chieftain to live at the site , Olaf Tvennumbruni . A good deal is known about Olaf because he left Lofotr to settle in Iceland after running afoul of Harald Fair - Haired , and the Icelanders of that era were a bit obsessive - compulsive about recording who settled where in their young country . [ Sidenote I meant to mention in an earlier post : when I wear my Tina Fey - esque glasses , people address me in Norwegian . When I don 't have them on , people address me in English . I find that fascinating . I 'm pleased to say that whenever I start a conversation in my marginal Norwegian , the other person replies in Norwegian - as if they think I can actually speak their language ! At that point , invariably , I sheepishly say , in Norwegian " excuse me , I 'm sorry , do you speak English ? " which just about exhausts my knowledge of their tongue and we continue in mine . ] I moved next into the meeting hall / throne room area . The one disappointing thing about this room was that it had no informational signage , but on the plus side it had a throne , or at least a really big , important - looking chair , which I promptly sat in . I put on a helmet with chain mail skirt , too , and unsheathed the sword left leaning casually against a table . Ich schoene niemand ! * Wrong language , right attitude when sitting on the chieftain 's seat . ( * German for " I spare no one ! " Shout - out to my friend Catherine for suggesting I needed a sword with that inscribed on it . My friends know me so well . ) The Germans kind of got into it ( my German blood understands , totally ) and had me posing and even took pictures of me with their cameras . They said they 'd email them to me . Stay tuned . True story : the German granny egging me on and taking pictures told me immediately before this shot , in reaction to the shot she had just taken , " come on , now , you look like scared little rabbit ! " I escalated my hamminess and this is the result . Ah , Germans . After futzing a bit trying to get a good angle , I asked another German tourist ( Germans ! They 're everywhere ! ) to take a photo of me steering . He obliged , but then his Frau told him to pose so she could take a picture of him . And he stood there , hand barely brushing the steering thing ( I used to know the term but it has slipped away from me , though thanks to the Vikings I always remember starboard is the right side of the ship and left is port ) . The reason I love the Vikings is not because they were badass ( although … ) . My impression of them - which could be totally wrong , I know - is that they were intrepid and unafraid to hop in the longboat to move on to something better . Crops failed ? Bummer , dude , let 's go raid a monastery in Northumbria . Killed a guy or stole his sheep and got caught ? Hey , it happens , let 's sail over to Greenland and see if it 's as awesome as Erik the Red says on his informercial . Harald Fair - Haired getting in your face ? Ah , screw him , get the pigs and the goats and the ducks and move to Iceland . OMG LUNDEHUNDS ! I asked him ( in English , because I do not know how to be creepy in Norwegian . Yet . ) if I could pet them and take their picture and ohmygawdLUNDEHUNDS ! Okay , okay , so , let me explain . One of the many reasons I 've been a little obsessed with coming to the Lofotens for more than 20 years is because I am fascinated by Lundehunds . They 're a breed that originated here in the islands and were used to climb cliffs to harvest sea bird eggs and hunt puffins . Given their specialized use , the Lundehunds are some pretty freaky puppies . They are polydactyl , with two extra toes on each foot to give them better grip . They are extremely flexible ( I 've seen it sometimes described as being double - jointed ) and can put their front legs out 90 degrees from their body in a way that , when demonstrated on YouTube , makes them look like oddly symbolic Christ figures . They can also bend their heads all the way back onto their spines . All of the flexibility helped them climb the sea cliffs and scramble in and out of tight places . Back on the bus , I took a few more photos during the hour - plus ride to Svolvaer , the biggest town in the Lofotens , with a population of - whoa ! - nearly 5 , 000 ! Hold the phone ! As the bus rumbled through the suburbs , the numbers aboard dwindled till it was just me and an old man . The driver parked in the middle of an industrial wasteland and opened the door . It was the end of the route . Time to get out . The city that never sleeps … because to sleep , you have to be alive in the first place ! The heart of Svolvaer , 4 : 30 pm on a Wednesday . Yes , I am standing in the middle of the street . Why not ? I had booked a hotel online the night before after realizing , sadly , all the budget places had closed for the season in August , and the rooms on offer this time of year catered to businessfolks , or at least people willing to pay $ 300 a night to sleep . I 'd searched around and found what sounded like a great deal on Expedia of all places : my own room and bathroom , free wifi , breakfast included , $ 77 a night . That is a dirt - cheap bargain in Norway . I wasn 't in BOO very long - just long enough to get off at the wrong stop on the bus from the airport and end up schlepping my bags about a kilometer to the ferry . Waiting an hour or so for the Moskenes ferry to show , I noticed everyone else was bundled up - jackets , hats , hoods . Are you serious ? I was comfy in a long sleeve shirt , just thrilled to feel an ocean breeze in my hair and on my face . The temperature was in the 50s and it was generally overcast . When the sun did come out , it was a pale , distant orb the color of cream . My sleepless plane travel caught up with me on the ferry and I found myself not so much napping as passing out here and there . When not drooling on myself , I was out on the deck , marveling over how calm both the sea and air was . I 've never been on a boat on the open sea in what felt like still air . Then again , the boat was going about as fast as I swim . Our ferry had instructions on how to put on the survival suit required to be worn in an emergency . I really wanted to try one on , but they were kept in a locked room . How safe is that ? What if the person who has the key falls overboard or something ? Humph . There are thousands of skerries and islets among the Lofotens , but only a few are big enough to be inhabited by anything other than the millions of sea birds who call them home . As the larger islands took shape , my more romantic side swooned and thought up a series of terrible metaphors … " like the lower jawbone of a half - submerged beast ! " was one . Cringe . My cynical side , however , rolled her eyes and thought " Oh , great . More water and rocks . Like we haven 't seen enough of that recently . " By the time I arrived in Moskenes , it was raining and black . I had booked two nights in a guesthouse in nearby Reine and Lilian , the guesthouse owner , was waiting for me at the dock . She drove me a couple miles to a lovely old home , with wood everywhere and a deep bathtub that I spent an hour soaking in . First item on the day 's agenda was to sort out what was still available as an activity . Early September is already low season for the Lofotens , and a lot of things were closed or on abbreviated schedules . Sadly , there was no boat running to the Moskstraumen , * one of the things on my " Hope To Do " list * * . * The Moskstraumen is one of the original lures for me to the Lofotens . It is one of the strongest areas of whirlpool activity in the world ( I say " area " because there are several whirlpools and dangerous tidal currents in the stretch of sea between the isle of Moskenesoya and Vaeroy ) . Moskstraumen is a genuine " maelstrom , " and I went on that ride at the Norway pavilion at EPCOT ! Okay , that 's beside the point , but it 's been a famous Area of Peril for thousands of years , even getting a shout - out from the likes of fourth century Greek explorer Pytheas , Jules Verne and Edgar Allen Poe , who helped introduce the incorrect notion that the word " maelstrom " itself is a corruption of " Moskstraumen , " all long before Wikipedia came into being . * * It 's the low season on a remote archipelago above the Arctic Circle . I don 't have a To Do list . A Hope To Do list is more realistic . A ( also known as A i Lofoten because if people just kept typing " A , " with or without the little circle over it , most readers would be thinking " A what ? Where 's the rest of the word ? Is this town in witness protection or something ? " ) is the southernmost town on Moskensoya , and home to Norway 's Torrfisk museum . The Lofotens are , you see , the cod capital of the world . Cod , drawn to the rich feeding grounds of the Lofotens and , I 'm guessing , the swirly waters of the Moskstraumen , come to the area by the gazillions . From January through April , fishermen haul them up by the ton day after day , then hang them out to dry on wooden racks that seem to cover every open flat space on the islands . Most of the dried cod ends up getting exported as bacalao . The Moskstraumen ! ( From quite a long distance away . ) A trail at A led to this view of the maelstrom ( but not " The Maelstrom " ) , basically the open water between a smaller island ( Vaeroy ) and the big cliff in the center of the photo . Also on the boat were a trio of French hikers who were rather pleased with themselves and a film crew comprised of two cameramen , a Norwegian clearly there to translate and facilitate , and what I can only imagine was a Minor Celebrity . When he heard me speaking English to the fare - taker after my minimal Norwegian was exhausted , Mr . Minor Celebrity turned and looked at me like " Oh ! Hello there ! I guess you 'll want an autograph ! " If you ever read The Guardian , the sequel to The War 's End , which I hope you 'll also read , there is a scene toward the end that takes place in a fjord . Though I hadn 't been to the Lofotens or had ever seen this fjord in a photo , basically , the scene takes place here . This is what I saw in my head . Reinefjord . Sorry . Couldn 't resist . But yes , this gietost was no Ski Queen . ( Gietost is a Norwegian specialty cheese , made from goat 's milk that has been caramelized . Ski Queen , the brand you 're most likely to see in the States , and other gietost I 've had in my previous Norway visit , have a smooth , sweet flavor . ) The gietost I tucked into was pungent with heavy goaty overtones and undertones and in - between tones . I felt like I was not so much eating goat cheese as sitting in a goat pen , surrounded by goats . Usually I put a sliver of gietost on a crispbread and that works , but for this one I had to cut a sliver and then cut it in half and kind of spread it over a whole Wasa to avoid not so much getting my goat as getting goated . Although I 'm thrilled to be heading to one of my favorite countries and getting to see an area of it that I 've always yearned to visit , I 'm also looking even further ahead . Shortly after I return in mid - October , I 'll be doing a book launch , signing / reading event for my novel Plaguewalker at an indie bookseller . That 's going to be nerve - wracking for me , but it 's also kind of exciting . When I return from Norway , I 'm also going to start on the most harrowing journey I 've ever taken . And no , I 'm not exaggerating . I laid the groundwork for it tonight by attending an orientation at the local animal control center . I get so verklempt because I hate it when people are irresponsible ( two words , people : Spay . Neuter . ) . I hate it more when animals suffer at the hands of people . Hey , I know in the real world animals eat other animals every day , but it 's different . They 're animals . That 's how they eat , or defend their territory . Simple logic . We 're humans . There is absolutely no reason a cat should ever be swung by its tail , or a dog cattle - prodded into attacking another dog . ( If you 're wondering whether I 've gone vegan , no … though I try hard to get my dairy from happy cows and goats and eggs from happy chickens . And I still wear leather and put gelatin in my panna cotta . But I don 't feel that puts me in the same class as Michael Vick . ) The best part of that - of the whole evening - was when two cats walked into the conference room . Wow . They were the biggest cats I 've ever seen . Both a little chubby , but just in terms of bone structure . Mammoths . Two enormous gray tabbies that didn 't so much walk as strut . You know that cliche scene in every action movie when the hero gets out of his car or walks into the room or saunters away from the exploding villain , always in slow motion , usually wearing sunglasses , while the soundtrack is pounding with epic metal bass ? You know , the " Badass " moment ? Yeah . That 's how these cats walked . They both came right up to me of all people , and received my patented Kitty Skull Massage ( cats love it ) and well as copious amounts of chin rubbing and ear scratching . Every dog considered for adoption or fostering has its temperament assessed with a series of exposures involving food , toys , and so on . That 's pretty standard in shelters across the country . To assess how a dog feels about the hand that feeds it , they stick a rubber fake hand in its face . To assess how a dog might do around a baby , they put a rubber doll near it and play recorded baby noises . The second half of the orientation was a tour of the facility . I was okay at first , rattled only slightly in the cat room and minimally misty - eyed in the kitten ward . But then we went into one of the dog rooms and yeah , I lost it . It 's the old dogs that always get me . And there were so many . And that made me really happy . Because you can do the laundry and wash the feeding dishes without ever walking past any of the kennels or catteries . You can do good , in other words , without ever having to see those you 're doing the good for . Antarctica gave me a final gift on that walk . As I turned the corner , I saw the sun , the actual sun , setting gloriously on the northwest horizon . I hadn 't seen the sun since sometime in early April , but aside from that novelty , the sky itself was another stunner , a beautiful expanse of color and light . After days of storms - with another big system moving in later that night - the C17 was able to land in a brief window of opportunity . Watching its lights materialize out of the ink of an Antarctic night , I admit I felt a little too tired to think big thoughts . By the time it touched down , I 'd been up for about 18 hours and was not relishing the five - hour flight and early morning arrival in Christchurch . We waited outside in what felt like minus 40 territory for several minutes as puffy red parkas emerged from the plane , more than a hundred of them . Then it was time to board . In the last hundred feet or so , I realized this was it , I really was leaving , and I pulled down my gaiter to take in a few last big lungfuls of Antarctic air , cold and dry but so wonderful . The flight was alarmingly bumpy for the first hour but otherwise uneventful . Two years ago getting on a C17 for the first time was a big deal to me , but now it 's just another plane . We got to our hotel in Christchurch around 2 : 30 am . I was up again four hours later to run some errands , mailing some things to myself so I wouldn 't have to carry them and picking up my travel itinerary for the long journey back to the States . Due to the numerous weather delays getting out of McMurdo , I ended up having to stay an extra day in Christchurch before they could book a flight for me . But I 've got no complaints . After feasting on fresh mango and passionfruit , I rented a car and drove to Hanmer Springs , about 100 miles outside of town . There , in the warm - but - not - too - warm alpine air , I sat for an hour in the spring - fed , mineral - infused " therapy pool . " In the shade , of course , my face half - hidden behind my enormous Posh Spice sunglasses . The first happened when I took the stairs from my fourth - floor hotel room down to reception , then to the breakfast room on the third floor . I haven 't been in a building with more than two levels since February and it was kind of exciting : look ! I can go up a flight , and then another flight , then down a flight and up two flights … hoo boy , I went wild on those stairs ! The second freakout happened as I was driving to Hanmer . I was all cool and experienced world travelery about booking a car , picking it up , heading out on the left side of the road through a city I feel I know as well as any other . I love driving in New Zealand . I just find the roads very logical and pleasant , and there 's never an insane amount of traffic . Generally speaking , New Zealand drivers tend to be assertive and confident but not aggressive , illogical or prone to road rage . And , perhaps because I 'm left - handed , I prefer driving on the left . In any case , things were going smoothly until my brain kind of shrieked and went " Aah ! I 'm on a road ! I 'm driving a car on a road ! There 's grass and sheep on either side of me ! Good God , what 's happened ? " After soaking at Hanmer , I had my face sandblasted . Okay , the spa there calls it a " Resurfacing Peel Facial " but we all know what 's going on . I drove back to Christchurch and got a Limbo , my favorite pizza from Hell ( as in Hell Pizza , the most awesomest pizza chain ever . I wish they were in the States ) . Christchurch is still recovering from the series of big quakes that have struck the city over the past two years . The one in February 2011 was not the largest , seismically - speaking , but it was the most devastating . It was extremely shallow and , unfortunately , located not only close to the city 's center but in a spot that meant all of its energy was directed right at Christchurch . As I understood from a special exhibit at the Canterbury Museum , the quake happened south of the city with more quake - resistant , for want of a better term , volcanic rock to the south , east and west of its epicenter . The energy released took the path of least resistance and went rolling right into the city 's soft soils and sands and high water table . Liquefaction was rampant and , according to the exhibit , the actual shaking produced by the quake on the surface was the most violent ever recorded anywhere . This was my fourth time in Christchurch since the February 2011 quake , and each time I 've watched the Red Zone shrink . The Red Zone is basically what was the center of the city . It is where most of the 185 victims of the quake lost their lives as multi - story office buildings pancaked and caught fire and facades fell off shops and on top of people and vehicles . The local bus company recently started offering " Beyond the Cordon " tours , however , and you bet I made sure I was on one . Unfortunately , the tour itself was just driving through the Red Zone , never getting out , and our tour guide was , well , she was not the best person for the job . ( Other Icepeeps took the tour at another time and had a different tour guide , who was much more positive and informative , so it 's hit - or - miss and I 'd still encourage you to take the tour if you have the chance . ) Another block of destruction . Left center of the photo is the former site of the Grand Chancellor Hotel . The building just to its right , with the multicolored blocks , is the former Hotel So . I 've talked to a number of people - shop owners , Kiwi employees of the US Antarctic Program , hotel workers , random folks on the bus - about the quake . I realize it was a horrible and largely unforeseen tragedy - although New Zealand is one of the world 's most seismically active countries , this particular fault was not known at the start of all this trouble and also , once they started studying it , was not expected to throw such a hissyfit . But most of the Kiwis I 've talked to have taken a " well , what can ya do , mate , it 's a bit tough now but we 'll get back on our feet " attitude . But … not the biddies . I have run into a number of older women who seem , for want of a better way to describe it , stuck in quakemode and , many of them , anyway , kind of relishing it . There 's the woman who no longer blow dries her hair because the power went out while she was doing that during the quake and she fears it will happen again . There was the woman who followed me from pool to pool when I was at Hanmer last year , telling me in tedious detail about how she was her husband 's caretaker since his stroke but couldn 't get him out of the house during the quake ( he and the house survived , by the way , unscathed ) . Then there was the utterly insane bus driver who ignored people signalling for her to stop and floored it well over the speed limit as she regaled me , her only passenger , with tales of how many different sleeping pills and antidepressants she was on since the quake . It made me wonder if it was just by chance that I 've run into the crazy quake ladies or if there is something about women of that age , either in general or from that particular generation , that makes them so , well , unable to cope with change or find the positive in bad situations . I dunno . But our tour guide was a member of Tribe Eeyore . She was a bit mumbly and hard to hear and unrelentingly glum . She was constantly making asides such as " This street was where we would come for a nice meal . We can 't do that anymore . " At one point she said " there 's a tribute to the victims but I can 't bear to point it out . " I was one of seven people on the tour and the only one taking photos , and every time I did , she glared at me . Look , lady , I 'm truly sorry Christchurch , a rather nice city , has been devastated . I 'm sorry people were killed and injured . I 'm sorry for the massive economic losses suffered throughout the region . I 'm sorry your flat was near two homes wiped out in the Port Hills . But … let 's face it . You are leading a tour . You are a representative of Christchurch and how the city is coping in the aftermath of the quake . As someone who has worked as a tour guide , I know damn well your job is to guide the tour , not to elict pity for your problems . The microphone is not a license to vent . I don 't expect you to be perky or to take any joy from what 's happened , but I do expect you to provide information in an engaging and elucidating manner . After getting back to my hotel , I took a deliciously long bath in bright violaceous , cassia - scented water courtesy of the Phoenix Rising bath ballistic I 'd bought earlier in the day at Lush . I tried to finish the selection of New Zealand cheeses that I 'd bought but failed and ended up leaving a good amount in my hotel room fridge . Oh well . The whole eyes - bigger - than - the - stomach thing . Then I … . thought about packing . Yup . Gave it a good long think and had another piece of cheese . Around midnight I finally started to try to organize myself . The shuttle to the airport came at 3 : 45 and I was just ready . From there it was a long cycle of boarding and disembarking , with tight squeezes and leg cramps in between - every seat of every single flight I was on was full . Christchurch to Melbourne was unremarkable . Melbourne to Los Angeles , alas , was a miserably long flight , memorable mostly for a flight attendant foisting a mushroom and cheese pizza on me , claiming " it is refreshment ! " ( Okay , English was not her first language but still … pizza is many things , but " refreshing " really isn 't one of them ) . Los Angeles was the usual nightmare , but at least I had free WiFi and a Starbucks before getting on the plane to Chicago . I had to dash from the far end of Concourse H to the far end of Concourse G at O ' Hare with 15 minutes to catch my puddle - jumper to Milwaukee . My friends the Dread Pirate Iron Bluebird and her Cabin Boy and their boy - child , Admiral Smallpants , were waiting for me . After filing a claim for my lost luggage ( finally delivered a couple hours ago ) , we were off , crusing past Lake Michigan over the Hoan Bridge . So here I am . I have a long list of to - dos , most of which are of the no fun at all variety , and it feels like Antarctica was a dream , that it 's a place I 've only imagined . Then I look at my photos and remember , oh yeah . I was there . I did that . The snow is new . It stretches before me , a smooth and pale periwinkle in winter twilight , when this world colors in shades of gray and blue and purple . In places the snow curves in tall drifts or lies rumpled over an outcropping of black volcanic rock , hidden until the wind decides to resculpt the landscape and reveal it . My boots crunch and squeak on the dry powder , leaving a trail of perfect imprints behind me in the emptiness . Ahead of me , the sun hides behind a low cloud . As it emerges , I catch sight of it for the first time in months , and find that , like an old and true friend , I did not miss it while we were apart but am glad to see it again . But not yet . So I sit and watch the sun as it slides down to rest beneath the pale sea ice . It is the same sun that sets over sand dunes and dark stretches of taiga , over skyscrapers and apple orchards , over places so far from here that they surely must be imagined . When the sun at last is gone , I know it is time for me to go , too . So I start the long walk back , leaving another set of bootprints in the snow . In days , or hours , or minutes , the wind will sweep across my tracks like a determined old woman with a broom , scouring them down to the very rock , or hiding them beneath new snow , wiping all trace of me away and clearing the canvas for the next set of boots and dreams . It 's actually fairly warm out now , a mere minus 4F with a windchill in the minus 30s . And that 's why it 's storming . It 's generally very clear out when it 's very cold ( I realize calling minus 4F warm is a relative term , but trust me on this ) . After I finished with work , I shot this video standing just outside a back door of Building 155 when it was officially Con2 . Not sure why there 's no sound till : 13 . The bright white light atop a particularly tall telephone pole in the middle of the video is our low - tech weather alert system . The bright white light tells everyone within sight that it 's Con2 . I am serene about the weather , though I do find the constant teasing from people leaving in October to be more than tedious at this point . ( If one more person points out to me " hey , you 're still here ! HAHAHAHAHA ! " the station population of 153 may drop by one , and not because I 've started walking north across the sea ice . )
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We went to Boston for a week . It was amazing ! We used up our airline miles and hotel points to take a vacation for 7 days to celebrate our 25th anniversary ( which is very strange , since we are clearly way too young to have been married that long ! ) . We went straight from the airport to Fenway Park to watch the Red Sox play the Yankees , and Derek Jeter 's next - to - last game , which brought joy to my baseball - loving heart . We walked the Freedom Trail , toured Salem and Cape Cod , eating cannolis , lobster rolls , chow - dah and pub food along the way . We toured not one but two breweries , and the Mayflower ( did you know that the Pilgrims also brewed beer ? ) , and a few really old cemeteries where pilgrims , founding fathers and revolutionaries are buried . My favorite day , however , was the day we spent in what I like to call " English Lit Nerd Heaven " . We drove to Amherst and toured the house of Emily Dickinson , my favorite poet . Because Jamey is not only smart but also a really good sport , he agreed to pay actual money for a 90 - minute tour of the two homes on the Dickinson property ( one was where Emily 's family lived and the other is where her brother lived with his family ) . My favorite Emily Dickinson poem used to be " Hope is the thing with feathers , that perches in the soul , and knows the tune without the words , and never stops at all " . Just think about that for a few minutes - it 's really good . In recent times , however , this poem has become really trendy and is all over Pinterest and Etsy , leaving me no choice but to choose another favorite , alas . Fortunately for me , Emily wrote over 1500 poems and I love many of them . She has a way of describing simple , homey things in a way that makes them very deep and profound . I 've always liked her , and I learned a few things about her that made me like her and relate to her even more . So I knew that she was pretty much a recluse - that is well - known ( despite all of my traveling this year , I am pretty sure I would make a good recluse as long as I could go into my backyard , and for runs , and order takeout ) . She was also a great baker who would lower gingerbread down from her bedroom in a basket to her nephew as he played ' pirate ' . She was a gardener who could look at each flower , bee , and leaf in wonder . And , she was an avid reader with a huge library who enjoyed talking to family and friends about books . I have always felt a kinship to people who are content to just enjoy time at home with family and books . And so , that tour was a highlight for me - I may have even gotten teary a time or two . And to make the day even better , if possible , on the way back to Boston we visited Walden Pond ( complete with a replica of Thoreau 's little hut ) , and drove past the homes of Ralph Waldo Emerson , Louisa May Alcott , and Nathaniel Hawthorne - be still my heart ! It was almost too much to behold at one time . And here we are , at home again , where it is absolutely wonderful ( even if it was 90 degrees today and we are still desperately in need of rain ) . We are trying not to let our lives revolve around the puppy . After all , Jason has started his senior ( what the . . ? ! ) year of high school , Grace 's roommates are trickling back into SLO after the summer , and we have the looming upcoming fall quarter to plan for . But what with puppy school , crate training , other training ( for example , " don 't sit on the chickens " ) , etc , it does take up quite a bit of attention from all of us . We 've probably been learning almost as much about Reddick and puppy - ownership as he has been about life here in Garden Farms . Here are some of our most astute observations : 3 . Nothing takes away the foul smell of the ' bacon and cheese stuffed hoof ' breath after your puppy has been chewing on one for two hours . It just wears off over time . Hopefully . 4 . There are waaaaay too many toys for sale at Petco , so don 't be sucked into buying all of them , even if they are in the 50 % off bin . Although Reddick loves the frisbee , soccer ball , and stuffed squirrel , his favorite toys are things he found in the yard , like " stick " , " root " , " bark " , " someone 's old tennis ball " , and " really old bone from some other dog " . 5 . Speaking of Petco , you can actually sample the doggy treats at the self - serve dog treat bar . Jamey highly recommends the pink ones with peanut butter filling ( we were assured that they are the same recipe as people cookies , except without sugar ) . 10 . In fact , puppies try to eat everything . For example : shoes , hammocks , a rose bush ( that one smarted ! ) , anything made of wood , moths , toilet paper , his own collar and leash . We got back to our house at about 5 last Thursday evening . It was wonderful - when we moved from Orange County to SLO many years ago , I drove the kids in the car and when we pulled up in front of our house and they got out , Grace said , " It smells like camping ! " . . . . well , that 's how I felt when we pulled into our driveway . Blue sky and fresh air ( except for a little smoke blowing over our way from the fire in Yosemite ) were waiting , and Grace was there waiting for us as well ( she got back from Thailand a few days before us ) . We did notice , however , that it was quiet . No barking dog greeted us . And then next morning , when I got up , I noticed that squirrels had once again stolen all of the walnuts from our tree ( thieving little monsters ! ! ) . Not only that , but two of them actually had the gall to play tag with each other inside the yard , right in front of the kitchen window where I could see them . Ugh , I missed my dog . ( Note : at this point in the story I will just mention that I may have unloaded a bb into the rear left leg of one of these offenders , warning him to get out and never return , in honor of my dog . ) The final straw for me , I think , was when I looked out of the living room window and the gas man was right there , checking the meter . He hasn 't been inside the yard for years - when Max was around , he had to stand at the gate and check with his magic laser light thingy ( I believe that 's the technical term ) . We could stand it no more . Plus , an online query showed that 2 border collie - mix puppies were currently at the SLO Animal Services shelter awaiting adoption . So , fewer than 24 hours after arriving home , we were at the pound looking at dogs . The two original puppies were already gone by that time , but lo and behold , there were 7 puppies from a Border Collie mom ( and a dad of unknown and morally questionable breeding ) waiting to go up for adoption on Saturday morning . Two of them had the classic black and white border collie markings . One of those was a boy . Who can say no when such a series of events works together in your favor ? Not us ! So , on Saturday , we went and picked up little Reddick ( named after the A 's right fielder by guess who ? ) and he has made the house feel like home ( i . e . chaos ) again . This is what we have learned about him so far : he does pretty great at night , he is stubborn but super smart and trains fairly easily , he loves sticks , baseballs , grass , tug of war , our feet , and chicken poop pretty much in that order . We are looking forward to teaching him to play catch with a frisbee , taking him on campus , to Big Sur , and the beach , and to seeing just how big he will get . Next Tuesday , Reddick starts puppy school at the local Petco . That should be a hoot ! I haven 't yet entered the world of people - who - are - way - more - into - dogs - than - other - humans but I think I am about to . Anyone reading this has my permission to slap me if I ever start talking baby talk to the new dog , or do something crazy like buy him a sweater . Our whole family is back home at last - Jamey and Jason and me from East Asia , and Grace from Thailand ( she has started her own blog to tell about her summer , quite well - written , I might add , at isaiah3510 . blogspot . com ) . I really recommend some overseas travel if you can do it sometime . There 's nothing like it to make you appreciate your home , think about what is really important , and even gain some perspective on things that you / we could do differently . We arrived safely in Los Angeles on Tuesday evening , July 29 after a very long flight , and took the shuttle to a hotel very close - by , where we stayed for another day to make sure that our students could finish with closure and get a head start on jet lag recovery . I have this little ritual of thinking of things that I am thankful for in the mornings , and here are my 5 items from July 30th : 1 . Jamey ( it was his birthday that day ! ) , 2 . Fresh air ( mind you , we were right by LAX ) , 3 . Non - smoking hotel rooms , 4 . American plumbing , 5 . In - n - Out Burger . We wanted to send a few post cards out , but it is difficult when you don 't know the language and the addresses must in part be written in characters . So Jamey asked a student he had basically just met if he could help him out , and that student eagerly gave up an afternoon , during his finals week , to help him ( 30 postcards . Why so complex ? No idea . Not wrong , just different ! ) This same student also helped Jamey find and purchase a bike so he could get some early - morning riding in . Two of our students , Stephanie and Cassie , and I were eating lunch in one of the cafeterias , when Cassie needed to use the bathroom , so we thought we would use our newly - acquired language skills to ask a couple of students sitting by us if they could tell us where the bathroom was . Well , as often happened , they had no idea what we were trying to say ( this was sometimes frustrating because these are not dumb students - Cassie goes to Cornell and Steph to Cal Poly , and we really did pay attention in our language class ) , so we pulled out our trusty paper of translated menu items and common phrases that some wise friends had given us , and pointed to , " Where is the water closet ? " The girls read the translation and nodded , and then stood up , and motioned for us to follow ( leaving their half - eaten lunches on the table ) . " They are going to walk us over to it because they don 't speak English . How cute , " I thought . Then they walked down the stairs . " Hmmm , it must be on the first floor . " Then they walked out the door . " Hmmm , it must be along the side and you enter from outside . No wonder we couldn 't find it ! " Then we followed them across the basketball court ( " Wait , where are they taking us ? " ) and inside one of the dorms and down the hall . Those sweet girls left their lunch on the table to walk three strangers to their own room so that one of them could use the restroom . As we waited for Cassie , Stephanie and I got to look around this small room that was shared by 6 female students . Each girl had a bunk , with a mosquito net , a very small section ofI also think our language teachers were incredibly gracious to us as they had to listen to us absolutely butcher their language day after day . To say it is ' complex ' is a gross understatement - one student kindly explained to me that if I want to be able to read a magazine , or a newspaper , I will " only need to learn about 9 , 000 characters ! " I 'm pretty sure I won 't be reading any of those items any time soon . Generally , I don 't at all like leaving home for more than a couple of days , but I must admit , I 'm kind of looking forward to this trip . Last week , we had to put our beloved Max down ( we absolutely knew it was time ) . This was the same day that we dropped Grace off at the SLO airport to leave for her own summer mission trip to Thailand . From fear , to excitement , great happiness to extreme sorrow , we have experienced it all over the past few weeks ! Grace at the SLO airport , ready to fly ! ! So many wonderful things happened - Grace finished her sophomore year , with honors , in a major that she loves , and headed off to work with women and children for the summer . And Jason topped off a great junior year in high school by being awarded an academic letter for his good grades in high school . Jamey and I had the chance to return one more time to El Salvador to close out a wonderful partnership with the ministry there , and got to debrief a team of amazing alums who spent the past year there ( and brought home the world 's best coffee ! ) . Quite a few students that we are close to just graduated from Cal Poly and are heading out into all kinds of fantastic places . Today , we watched the USA beat Ghana in the World Cup with about 100 other fans at Laguna Grill in SLO . We have also discovered a family of beavers living in the creek in our neighborhood , and we have walked down to watch them swim around in the water several times this week - it 's like watching the National Geographic Channel live ! Max , keeping an eye on the yard like a good watchdog But , at the same time . . . . I miss my dog . I think that I hear him for a split second when I hear leaves rustle , or when my neighbor 's dog barks . I expect to hear him bark when a truck goes down the road , or see him at the back door . And Wednesday morning , a squirrel had the gaul to sit in the walnut tree and chatter at me ( I shot that thing out of the tree in Max 's honor ! ) . And so , I think we are all looking forward to packing up clothes , games , books , coffee ( and creamer ! ) and heading west tomorrow for a few weeks of big city , crazy and great food , language class , new friends , and adventure . Since we will be without the internet until about August 1 , I will be sure to take a lot of photos and make a note of the best stories to share once we get back . Grace 's stories , too . . . . We should have enough time to share at least a few before we are off to get ready for fall ! These are the most glorious few weeks of the year in the neighborhood . Everything is blooming - irises , wisteria , black locust trees ( they drip with white blossoms that smell amazing ) , the honeysuckle outside my window . On top of this , my neighbor 's goat had triplets and when Jamey and I went for an evening walk on Thursday they were playing " king of the mountain " . And , to boot , I am rereading one of my favorite books of all time , Phillip Keller 's A Shepherd Looks At The 23rd Psalm , which puts me in a pastoral mood for days , maybe even weeks . I prefer the term " pastoral " to " lazy " . I just want to sit in my chair on the deck and look across the creek at the pasture and the cows for hours . . . . listening to baseball of course . And , I made blue eggs . I saw them online and thought they were beautiful , so I gave it a try myself - the coloring requires boiling red cabbage and vinegar together ( yuk ! ) and then soaking the eggs for about 24 hours . I got a dozen eggs from my friend PJ because I wanted to see how the color would work on a variety of tans , browns , and aquas . After they were colored , I put them into a bowl , snapped a photo , then put them in the fridge and gazed upon their beauty for a couple of days . But really , there 's not too much you can do with unpeeled eggs . So , I eventually pickled half of them , and the other half got deviled . They were just as delicious as usual at our Easter dinner . We had nine people around the table ( actually two tables , pushed together ) . Two of these diners were students ( well , three , if you include Grace , who spent the day with us ) , and one of them , a sweet girl named Ivey , brought me such a wonderful bunch of flowers . I am bummed to say that I forgot to take a picture of the beautiful and feast - laden table . I must have been having a really good time eating - especially the most amazing glaze on the ham . None of us are really ' ham people ' , but this glaze , a " peach - reisling glaze " , was soooo good I could have eaten it with a spoon ( and perhaps I did . . . . but only to make sure it was good enough to slather on the ham ) . Here is a picture of our leftovers instead - the extra ham and rolls have been made into baked sandwiches . And you can see the roasted carrots and grilled asparagus , which I liked a whole lot , and which others politely ate to be nice . And of course the family recipe pickled eggs and spinach salad . Oh , and I also bought a flat of the most outrageously wonderful strawberries from the guy who parks his truck at the intersection up the road and sells fruit ( maybe he has a big garden ? or a small farm ? or he 's an angel ? who knows ? ! ) , and we ate a bunch of them with vanilla ice cream and homemade whipped cream . Seriously . It was a great meal - two days in a row . Last but not least , after a wonderful outdoor church service on a hill ( more pastoral goodness ) there was our Easter tradition of the egg hunt , which has been dominated by Grace for the past , well , let 's say 17 years . I just think it 's cute and sweet and hilarious that they want to continue to go hunt for eggs around the yard . We use candy - filled plastic eggs , and here 's a lesson I learned this year : don 't use chocolate - coated almonds on a warm sunny day , or you will end up washing all the eggs out by hand . But still , it was fun to watch the kids romping around the yard just like they did when they were little . ( They just had birthdays , turning 20 and 17 . . . . WHAT ? How on earth has that happened ? ) How easy it is for us ( well , me ) to complain ! Last weekend we got 4 - and - a - half glorious inches of much - needed rain . After it had come down in buckets for 2 straight days , our poor dry creek finally started running again . You would think that I would be thankful ( and I was , for a couple of days , there ) but yesterday , the hubs was looking at the week 's weather forecast ( we need to know how to dress for campus ! ) and the next few days are " 70 's and sunny " , to which my reply was , " Oh , brother . " We actually do need quite a bit more rain . But hubs responded , " You cannot actually be complaining about that ! " ( he said it in a very kind way ) , which made me think . It seems to me like the weather , and maybe the president ( whoever it may be ) are two things that half the general population is always complaining about . So I have decided to play a game called " What Can I Be Thankful For Right Now ? " 2 . I got to spend 4 days last week in Temecula with other Cru moms and wives from our region , including my friends Melissa ( we were randomly placed in the same freshman Bible study in college and our kids call each other ' cousin ' ) , Vivian ( she came on staff with me and Melissa in 1989 and recently survived breast cancer and wrote a book about it called Warrior In Pink ) , and Jill ( she came on staff with Jamey just before me and was on my team for years in Irvine , and we run together at many conferences ) . 3 . My ' to - do ' list for the next day - and - a - half includes the following : go to a golf match ( we are watching Jason 's friend Beanie - that 's a nickname I gave him in the third grade and he still lets me call him that ) , go to a tennis match ( Grace 's boyfriend Devin plays for Cal Poly ) , and go out for lunch at my favorite deli with a coworker . 8 . Did I mention it 's baseball season ? I just switched my ring tone from the Monday Night Football theme to " Take Me Out To The Ball Game " . This makes me happy . 9 . Saturday night our students showed a video that they made as a tribute to Jamey - I will attempt to post it here on this blog for your enjoyment . It 's a parody of a very horrible song called " What Does The Fox Say ? " in case you wondered . 10 . In a week , I get to celebrate St Patricks Day by having our whole staff team over for a real Irish dinner and speak in my best Irish brogue for the whole evening . This is one of my favorite days of the year . We Are " Those " Dog Owners We discovered a couple of weeks ago that our beloved dog Max has ( had ? ) congestive heart failure . It 's not a surprise that he has gotten old and gray ( actually , according to the chart in the vet 's office , he has passed the ' adult ' and ' elderly ' stages and has moved into ' geriatric ' ) , and , truth be told , I knew when we got him from the pound that we would in all probability outlive him . But still , it 's not something that you ever really expect . There 's a rumor going around that I am cold and heartless , but this is not always true ( except with really mean or dumb people ) . I am the little girl who cried in the bathroom for an hour after reading Where The Red Fern Grows ( side note : What the heck kind of terrible book is that to put in the children 's section of the library ? And what kind of person writes a book like that for children ? ! ) . I still have never watched " Old Yeller " all the way through , and when I read The Yearling out loud to my own kids , I changed the ending so that for years they thought the deer just ran away into the woods . So , when we realized what it was ( thank you Google ) that was causing Max - the - Dog to cough and have trouble breathing , we prepared for the worst as we took him to the vet . Seriously , we made Jason get up in the wee hours of the morning and say goodbye to him , and with many tears , we drove down to the vet 's office . Max - the - Dog is probably one of the very few pets that actually loves visiting the vet , so he wagged his tail as he struggled into the car , which made it worse of course . We were fully expecting sweet Dr Hallock to tell us that it was time to put Max down . Tragic . Heartbreaking . But , after a blood test and an xray , it was determined that , with new advances in heart medicine , Max - the - Dog can hopefully live another wonderful " 6 to 12 months " . A reprieve ! So , Jamey and I have now become " those people " who faithfully give their dog heart medicine ( three kinds ! ) twice a day , in wonderful meaty canned food , no less . Pricey , yes , but what else can you do for a dog who has faithfully watched over you , your kids , your yard , your walnut tree and your chickens for ten years ? Max of course might be under the illusion that he has already died and gone to dog heaven , since he now gets to eat basically whatever he wants , come inside way more often , and is going on rides to visit his favorite places . He seems to be back to normal - just this morning he chased a squirrel up the apricot tree , across the electric wire and out of the yard . So , we are okay with being ' those pet parents ' who put little pills in peanut butter sandwiches and make sure they get eaten ( actually , while Max - the - Dog does love peanut butter , he eats everything , so I can simply throw the pills on top of his dinner and he will eat every bit very happily ) if it means that we get some good extra time with our good boy .
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I am beginning to think that I am getting soft with age : - ( Had to run several errands in town today and every time I got off the car I felt the heat to be unbearable . Yet today we only got to 99 degrees . . . just imagine when the daily triple digits arrive . . . on second thought , NO . . . I do not want to imagine it ! Before coming home decided to stop and pick up the latest advertised special at Long John Silvers . It is called " The Big Catch " and it truly was big and also delicious . . . well worth the $ 4 . 99 price . This afternoon I took an unscheduled almost three hour nap as I watched the evening news . Only reason I got up was because the trees and flowers needed watering . The clinic my mother goes to underwent new ownership at the beginning of the year . When we went in January we had to fill out new forms . Today we were given even more to fill out . The lady at the front desk asked us a lot of questions and then gave us like six releases to sign . When she went in for her consultation the nurse asked us yet again the same questions ! Why is it that they can not come up with a standard or universal form ? Last night we had high winds that per Weatherbug had gusts of up to 63 mph . The lights kept on flickering and making the internet connection go down . It took me over an hour to write last night 's short post . I even turned off the A / C to protect the system . Went to get the Toyota inspected first thing this morning . . . well , actually it wasn 't quite morning . . . closer to 12 : 40 p . m . I did not go to bed till late as I was all excited about the Spurs win last night . Was watching KSAT 12 News live broadcast as people flocked to downtown San Antonio to celebrate . The police even asked them to cut their live broadcast so people would go home . . . lol ! : D Yesterday as I was exiting San Felipe Lion 's Park a Del Rio police squad car was pulling in . He looked at me and I immediately knew that I was going to get stopped . I turned right and left the park . . . he made a quick U - turn turned on his lights and pulled me over . Why is it that when that happens the first thing they say to you is " do you know why I pulled you over ? " Now how many people are really going to own up to that ? Let 's see officer . . . I think I was going 50 mph in a 30 mile zone ? How did you know I had a dead corpse in my trunk ? I have respect for all law enforcement officers but I find this one question to be down right ridiculous ! Yes , it was my fault I had an expired inspection sticker that I did not get to for all the car problems you are already aware I had . He was a very young officer no more than 23 years old . He asked me if I had been enjoying the park as he eyed the ice chest on my back seat . Told him I had not . . . I was driving around town charging my battery . Before heading to the lake we went by the Duck Pond so I could feed the mare which I have named Claire . There was a young couple who had driven their car into the property and as we slowly drove by . . . saw that the man moved her empty down ice chest from where it had been ( see picture of my last post about her ) to another location as he proceeded to get water out of the creek . . . that means she had gone without water for two days ! GRRRRRRRRRRR ! ! ! ! ! With that in mind and my dream of the alternator being the culprit . . . decided a trip to the lake was in order just in case my brand new battery needed charging . Yes , I know that does not make any sense . . . but what the heck . . . it makes sense to me ! In particular a trip to my favorite Amistad campground . . . Governors Landing . With the holiday weekend I figured there would be a lot more campers there but even though four sites were occupied . . . I believe only one was a real camper and the other three were just locals taking in the view . While my headache has not gone away it has been manageable but this morning it was just brutal . I do not like to take medication but since the aspirin did not help . . . I took one of my pain pills that I usually only take when my back is giving me problems . I bought it last year and to date have only taken one . On the back of my mind I was worried about the Toyota . . . so much so I even dreamt about it ! Mother asked me where I was going . . . told her to start the car and take it around the block . I know . . . I 'm crazy but in my dream the car was dead and it was not the battery that was the problem but the alternator . . . thankfully that was not the case . Later on in the afternoon I told Mom that we needed to take dad 's car for a spin as it had not been driven in a couple of days . With my headache and battery problems , I had totally forgotten about the poor mare . We drove by where she is located and it was just heartbreaking , she looks so thin and her hair is falling off . To make matters worst she did not even have water in her filthy ice chest . By comparison Walter is living a pampered life . Why doesn 't the Sheriff 's department do something ? She is in plain view , she is starving to death and has no water ! ! ! I will never know why in Val Verde County animal abuse cases go unpunished . I did a little detective work of my own and I now know where she lives and the name of her worthless owner even though I do not know what good that does either one of us : - ( I think one of the best decisions I ever made was to join the American Automobile Association otherwise known as Triple A . I was in my early twenties , single and living in the big city . I have always strived to be self sufficient and not bother my friends or family with little things like flat tires , jump starts and the always dreaded mechanical failure . If you use them just once a year . . . you basically have recouped your annual dues . Even if you don 't use them at all . . . the peace of mind it buys is priceless . He jumped started the Toyota and for a little extra removed the battery from mother 's mini - van . I went off to town to purchase a new battery for her car while at the same time charging my own battery . It was awfully hot as I decided not to turn on the A / C hoping that would help in charging it up faster . Later in the afternoon something kept on nagging at me . . . my sixth sense ? . . . so I went to start my car . Darn it ! It was almost out of juice but I floored it and got it started . By now it was close to 7 : 00 p . m . and the dealership was closed . . . I was not about to have it be drained by morning . So off I went back to the auto parts store to have them check both the battery and the alternator . Lucky for me it was only the battery that needed replacing . Oh well . . . had to replace two batteries in one day : - ( A little yard work . . . a little basketball Today I felt good . My back was feeling strong and my headache while still there was not as intense as it has been these past couple of days . Decided to take advantage of that and do a little yard work on the south part of the property that borders Walter 's corral . You can click on the header picture and it will take you there or you can click here http : / / mylittlewalter . blogspot . com / Anyone watching the NBA Western Conference semi - finals ? Those Spurs really know how to give their fans heart attacks ! Though we went into overtime . . . we managed a win : ) I was getting ready to drive into town got in the Toyota and it was dead . . . darn it all I just drove it Thursday ! This is the only " reliable " newer car we have ! Our cars are pretty old , I am talking 20 to 30 plus years old . I have the habit of parking them with the motor facing the street in case I need to jump start them . As luck would have it I did not do this on Thursday night nor did I do it for my mother 's mini van that has been sitting there for two months with another dead battery . Headed to my local mechanic 's shop and that poor man is having more issues . This time he is the one with the health problems and was on his way to the doctor so I will come by another day . Dad 's old car better hold out . . . that 's all I have to say : - ( She came up to me and I showed her I had brought her horse pellets in Walter 's pink container ( sorry Walter ) but she didn 't seem to know what they were . After some encouragement she began to eat them but she kept on looking at me with distrust . She ate everything though . It became clear why there were two five gallon buckets by her dirty ice chest . She is located by the Duck Pond the closest thing Del Rio has to a zoo and people come to feed the ducks . Then there is a little dam and this water flows down to the Rio Grande which is not too far away . Her owners are apparently too lazy to bring city water so they get the water from here . I have suffered from headaches practically all my life . It is just something I learned to live with . After I retired for the most part they went away and I began to think that they were a thing of the past . Since Wednesday they once again reared their ugly head . If that was not enough my blood pressure has been through the roof since that " incident " with that inquiring officer . . . . coincidence ? I have not left the house since we went to HEB on Thursday . Friday was another record setting day . . . reaching 104 degrees . By comparison today was a mild one only getting to 94 with a heat index of 100 . I know a lot of people have pets , I myself have had pets in the past . I no longer do because my mother suffers from severe allergies . She is HIGHLY allergic to hair and pet dander . I know a lot of people love their dogs as if it was their child . . . I totally understand . . . I felt the same about mine when I had them but . . . PLEASE ask before you visit if you can bring them along . It was a hot and miserable day . . . it set a new record high for this date of 106 degrees . Went to hang some clothes outside and even though I had long sleeves and my straw hat I could feel the heat penetrating my body . We were going to go to HEB but decided to postpone our trip until this evening when it would be cooler . The mare I wrote about yesterday is still there but they moved her rope to get to the area where my car was parked . Her ice chest was moved as well and hopefully they cleaned it . I could not stop to check as we were in a hurry . . . mother was expecting an important phone call this evening . However , I will go check on her tomorrow . I just knew nothing was going to be done about her . . . it just pisses me off ! That is when I saw a horse by the front gate . Of course the first thing that came to mind was Walter had gotten out of his corral . . . little Walter couldn 't you have waited a little longer . . . say till the game was over ? Went outside and it wasn 't Walter ! It was two horses that were grazing along the side of the road at midnight . Sorry for the poor quality but as you all know my camera is a POS . By now even Walter was making his horse noise from his corral and Pacquiao would not shut up either . It spooked the horses and they moved on . Just another example of people letting their horses out to graze on other people 's land and then claiming that they got out on their own . . . . . . . . . grrrrrrrrrrrr ! ! ! Today I am not going to talk about Walter as most of you are aware of his situation and I have a separate blog for him . . . click on my header picture and it will take you there . There is a horse that has been grazing in one spot for more than a month now . Her owners leave her there day and night and only bring her water once in a while . She is in plain view of everyone , Border Patrol agents pass through here 24 / 7 as they patrol along the Rio Grande and there is only one way in and out of this heavily patrolled area called Vega Verde in south Val Verde County likewise for sheriff 's deputies . I have stopped on another occasion and seen an old ice chest with the top removed almost empty but I did not have my camera and she was grazing on the opposite side . This afternoon I stopped and she walked right up to me as if hoping I was bringing her something . She has grazed on all there is to graze yet she remains here . I took some pictures and was walking back to dad 's car when a constable in a big white pick up stopped and asked me if I had seen a guy go by in a blue motorcycle . . . yeah right , I said to myself ! Told him I had not . Noting that he was a constable from another precinct I said to him that perhaps there was nothing he could do for this horse since it was not his jurisdiction to which he quickly added . . . all of the departments work together . Yeah , I see how together they work . . . having gone to the Sheriff 's Department in person on three occasions and I am still waiting for them to do something about Walter ! I asked him if there was anything that could be done about this horse that was hungry and had filthy water . He told me that he did not know as he was not up to date on Texas laws governing horses but that he could find out . Told him I would appreciate it , that I would show him pictures of the filthy water but was not familiar with the features on my camera . He immediately said he could probably see them as my camera was similar to his . . . yeah bet you have a cheap camera like mine . . . handed it to him but I have no idea if he was able to see it or not as he asked me " where do you live ? " I told him . . . followed by where do you work ? WTH does that have to do with this horse ? He irritated me . . . I said to him " don 't you think that is a lot of questions ? " He apologized and said he was only trying to be friendly . . . I told him I had nothing to hide . . . I was retired . . . . grrrrrrrrrrr ! ! ! ! ! Got in my car and left . He made a U - turn , stopped and got on his phone . Hope someone can help this poor horse . . . but I am not holding my breath on it happening either . I have always been fascinated by western movies and how life was in the old days . Became intrigued by Wyatt Earp and his wife Sadie Jo and started reading up on them . Very interesting , thanks Rob for awakening my curiosity . I have often griped about mother 's friends showing up unannounced or saying they forgot her telephone number . Do not know why , she has had the same telephone number for over forty years and is listed in the phone book . Even had some cards printed up and I pass them out whenever they come . With my insomnia and reading up on the Earp 's I did not go to bed until 6 : 10 a . m . Woke up at 8 : 00 a . m . to serve mother breakfast then went back to sleep . I kept on hearing a knocking . . . but as sleepy as I was , it did not register that someone was at the front door . Then someone banged on the living room window and startled me as I was napping in dad 's recliner . After she yelled at me and told me who she was I went to open the door . The first thing out of her mouth was " why is your living room always so dark ? " Wanted to tell her that we do not open up our blinds when we have the air conditioning going but of course since she lives off her daughter and son - in - law what does she care what they pay on their electric bill . . . . . . . . . grrrrrrrrrrrrr ! Next thing out of her mouth . . . " you know your plants are dry , you really need to water them " . I looked at mother and she gave me " that look " . . . bit my tongue and told her " thank you for letting me know " . . . darn busy body ! OK . . . end of rant ! It was hot and humid and felt a lot warmer than the 86 degrees we supposedly reached . Rains were forecasted but did not materialize until after 9 : 00 p . m . We got . 19 " and a lighting show to go with it . With the rains of Friday and Saturday and the weekend crowds , I had postponed my trip to town . Have been having problems opening up a document using Acrobat even though I downloaded the latest version . Decided to try it at the library . . . lord and behold , I could open it there ! I am aware that I suffer from CRS . . . but I know I have been to the library on more than one occasion this year . When I walked in the first thing I saw was this WIFI sign . . . I have moaned and groaned on this blog about how our library does not have WIFI when even small town libraries do . I asked the guy at the front desk when they got it . . . his response was . . . A YEAR AGO ! Now I do not want to call him a liar but that is not true ! If you recall I had Cricket as my ISP and it was worthless . . . almost as slow as my former dial - up service . If I wanted to watch a video or open a big file I had to go to the library . I have only had Road Runner since late October 2012 . . . right before my trip to Terlingua . So no . . . don 't be telling me it has been a year . . . grrrrrrrr ! These now two empty lots to the right of the library will be where hopefully the new addition will be built . It is really needed as this library was built in 1969 , and the town has grown a lot since then . Hopefully it will be approved in the November 2013 elections but it has been a political hot potato for decades . It is no wonder I have had B - B - Q on my mind . Went and got my usual brisket plate and got Mom her smoked turkey leg . While there is another big national place in town and I think one going towards the Lake . . . this one is across the street from HEB , is close to us and most importantly it is locally owned . We got rain ! I have gotten to the point that I no longer believe weather forecasters . . . they are always wrong ! Kept on getting weather alerts this afternoon but 3 : 00 p . m . came and went and nothing . Finally at 5 : 40 p . m . it began to pour and along with it came pea size hail . Of course I could not find my camera so was not able to capture any of the hail . Per Weatherbug we got . 06 of an inch but it seemed like a lot more . The high today was 91 and the low 69 with winds at the peak of the storm from the NW at 38 mph . It dropped 18 degrees real quick like .
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We finally got a snow day here in Charlotte ! Yay ! ! We had an early dismissal from school yesterday so , needless to say , I had some excited third graders on my hands . We hardly ever get snow , so it is BIG deal and so exciting for kids ( and grown - ups , too ! ) . I remember when I was little how much I LOVED snow days , and I still do ! We didn 't get very much snow , but the hill across the street from our house was perfect for sledding . Watching them out my window made me miss the days when my kids were little and had so much fun sledding and building snowmen and snow forts . But I don 't miss spending all that time bundling them up only to have them come back inside just minutes later . And I don 't miss all the wet boots , coats , hats , and scarves that are all over the floor by the front door . I really wish I could have seen David and Caroline today , but the roads were too bad out where Ashley lives . I know they had such a fun day in the snow ! We have had a very relaxing day here at home . Steve had to work from home , so Lindy and I have just been sitting by the fire , drinking hot chocolate and watching our shows and not doing a whole lot . Speaking of watching our shows . . . this past weekend had so many shows we wanted to watch , that we had to DVR several of them and watch them later . But we DID watch The Bachelor Wedding on Sunday night . I am not a Bachelor watcher at all , but Lindy is . And , I have been reading Mix and Match Mama 's blog for a while and just recently discovered that she is Sean 's sister ! ! ? ? ? I know . . . where have I been ? So , I had to watch the wedding ! But if you also watched the Bachelor Wedding , you HAVE to read this recap by Schaeffer ( who is best friends with Sean 's sister Shay . ) Oh my word . . . . sooo funny ! ! Anyway . . . we ventured out this afternoon to get our nails done and the roads weren 't too bad . There were a few patches that were still icy . Tomorrow it is a two hour delay at school , so we get another day to sleep in ! Tonight it is supposed to be very cold . I think it is in the teens overnight . I am making a big pot of chili and watching Nashville . Then I will go to bed and sleep really well knowing I don 't have to get up early ! Yay for snow days ! ! We had a good weekend . I took the day off on Friday so Ashley and I went to lunch together . That was fun because we never get to do that by ourselves . When I got home , Lindy and I did a little shopping together . We didn 't do a whole lot Friday night , because Lindy was kind of sad . She found out on Friday afternoon that her boyfriend , Sean 's dad has kidney cancer that has spread to his lungs . We knew he had lung cancer , but we didn 't know it originated in his kidneys . It was not good news . We are just praying hard for him and trying to stay hopeful . Saturday I was so glad to see Steve . He has been gone all week , just like he was last week . I have missed him ! He had jet lag and Saturday was a cold , dreary day so we took a nap when he got home . I 'm so glad he doesn 't have to go out of town again for a while . January is a busy birthday month for us . My neighbor and good friend , Candy 's birthday is on January 25th . We have been celebrating birthdays together for 14 years now . I went down to her house to take her her present and she was still in her pajamas and watching a movie . That sounds like a good birthday to me ! ! I am so thankful for her and all our fun times together through the years . She is like family to me . Sunday was John 's birthday . I don 't talk too much about John on my blog because he is not a huge fan of social media and is kind of a private guy . But I am so thankful for him . He is the best dad and husband for Ashley . He is a hard worker and is such a good provider for his family . He is smart and funny and a strong leader . We love him and thank God that He brought such a good guy into Ashley 's life . Then today was my niece Bailey 's birthday . She turned seven . I will never forget the night she was born . It was Steve 's parents ' 50th anniversary and they had a 50 's themed party . We left the party when we found out Bailey had been born and went to the hospital dressed in our 50 's poodle skirts and saddle oxfords and pony tails . Haha ! I 'm sure we looked pretty funny in the maternity ward dressed in our 50 's clothes ! : ) We celebrated with her tonight at La Unica , one of our favorite Mexican restaurants . I sure am thankful for all my sweet family and friends . We are on a snow watch for tomorrow . It probably won 't do anything , but they are expecting at least an inch or two . I hope we get at least a little something ! ! Teachers wish for snow days just like the kids do ! : ) " Every one of us was made to do great things , and it is why something in us feels restless and discontent . Because deep down , we know we were created for some great purpose . And these great things we were built to do are for God , through God , and in God . " - Jennie Allen About a week or two ago , I started seeing a book all over the internet . I saw it being promoted on several of the blogs that I read . I saw it on Facebook . And I just started hearing a lot about how good it was . The book was Restless by Jennie Allen . I have read Jennie 's blog and I know that she is one of the organizers of the If : Gathering that is coming up in February . I love her heart for the Lord , and I am always looking for a good book , so I downloaded it onto my Kindle and seriously read it in about two days . It was SO good . I have now added this book to my favorite books list , so I wanted to share with you just a few things that I thought were so meaningful about it . I always like to get a personal recommendation from a friend when choosing a good book and I can definitely give you one in this case . I have a feeling when you read it , it will resonate with you just like it did me . Let me start by sharing a few quotes that I loved from the book . I think it will give you an idea about what the book is all about . Since I can 't phrase it like she does , I will just let you read it for yourself ! : ) " Don 't bother waiting around for a unique voice to come out of the sky . We move , respond , love , and obey . And as we go , God leads humble souls who are willing to be led . " I think most people who love the Lord want be doing something that matters for Him here on earth and this book is just so practical in showing how to find out what that is and then DO it . Your calling may be in an orphanage in Uganda , it may be adopting a child , it may be leading a Bible study in your office or starting a non - profit . But it also may be in a messy kitchen fixing peanut butter sandwiches for your babies or even stuck in a place or job you don 't love . Those less glamorous callings are just as important as the others . It just reminded me that God has placed me here and in this time and I need make His name great to the people and the world I am walking through each day . " This is about how we spend our minutes and our days . Because eventually , our minutes and days equal our lives . " So . . . I just wanted to share this with you today . If you are wondering what God wants you to do and how you can make His name great in your little world , this book is for you . It 's super practical and it reminds us that we are all important and we all have a job to do . I loved it . People watching might be one of my very favorite pastimes . I have loved it ever since I was a little girl ! I could sit on a bench in a mall or a park for hours and just watch people go by . It always amazes me to see the variety of people that are in this world and wonder where they came from and what they do and what their life is like . You can 't sit there very long without thinking about how creative God is . Everyone is so unique and different in all shapes and sizes and colors ! Maybe that 's one reason that I love New York City so much . It is probably the mecca of people watching ! Lots of times when Steve and I go out to dinner at a restaurant , I get so distracted from our conversation because I am so interested in watching all the people around us . And I love hearing people 's stories . I really do . If I am with you and you are telling me about your life , I promise I am totally interested . You know how sometimes you are friends with someone who always wants to talk about themselves and they never ask you about your life ? That is not me . Of course , I like to share about my life , too , and I want to be with someone who is going to be interested in what I have to say . But I really enjoy listening just as much as I do talking ! I guess the fact that I love people 's stories so much is why biographies have always been my favorite books . When I was in elementary school , I would read through a whole series of biographies at a time . My mother bought me a set of biographies about the presidents that I loved and still have ! I also read all the Laura Ingalls Wilder books about her life . And there was a really great series of biography books in the library at my school that had stories about people like Clara Barton and Louisa May Alcott and other famous Americans . I read them all and can even remember the exact shelf where they were located ! I still love biographies ! I like to read about historical figures , political leaders , celebrities , every day people , and really anyone ! I can 't even begin to count how many books like thesGetting to know people and learn their stories is one of the things I really love about teaching , too . Just think about it . . . when you are a teacher , you not only get 25 new students each year , but you also meet their families . And you get to know those families very well , very quickly . That is such a blessing to me . I love getting to know all those sweet children and their parents . I don 't have a board yet on Pinterest for the people of the world , but I need to get one ! I am always drawn to those interesting faces . A person 's eyes and the lines on their face can tell such a story . So . . . knowing how much I love people watching , you can imagine how fascinated I was when I recently found a website called Humans of New York . Have you ever heard of it ? It is so interesting ! " My name is Brandon and I began Humans of New York in the summer of 2010 . HONY resulted from an idea that I had to construct a photographic census of New York City . I thought it would be really cool to create an exhaustive catalogue of the city 's inhabitants , so I set out to photograph 10 , 000 New Yorkers and plot their photos on a map . I worked for several months with this goal in mind . But somewhere along the way , HONY began to take on a much different character . I started collecting quotes and short stories from the people I met , and began including these snippets alongside the photographs . Taken together , these portraits and captions became the subject of a vibrant blog , which over the past two years has gained a large daily following . With nearly one million collective followers on Facebook and Tumblr , HONY now provides a worldwide audience with glimpses into the lives of strangers in New York City . Yep . . . that is right up my alley ! It is now one of my favorite websites to browse . If you are a people watcher like me , you should take a minute to look at it . I bet you will enjoy it , too ! Happy MLK Day ! Today is that day that everybody loves because we get to get off work and have a long weekend , but there is a lot of importance to this day , too . I am thankful for a man who had a passion for making the world a better place and all the courage it took to stand up for things that are right . We had a really fun day today . It was great to be able to stay up a little bit later last night and sleep in this morning . Lindy had been wanting to go to lunch at a new little restaurant that has recently opened up in Charlotte called Tupelo Honey . So , we did that today ! It serves all kinds of yummy southern food . I got blackeyed peas , mac and cheese , fried okra , and fried green tomatoes . It was really good . Lindy got a gluten free grilled veggie sandwich and fizzy berry punch . We both loved it . After we left , we met Ashley and David to see Frozen . We all really enjoyed it . Cute story , cute songs , cute characters . . . . a perfect Disney combination ! David was so excited to see it and he did great . It was super crowded in the theater , so we didn 't get to sit together . But I took a picture of him right when the movie started . He had his icee and was mesmerized . Ashley said he sat still and watched the whole thing ! Tomorrow it is back to work . It is Spirit Week this week , so I am sure everyone will be excited and energetic tomorrow on Tacky Day ! Haha . I better get a good night 's sleep ! : ) We have had a good weekend . Friday was a half day for us at school since it is the end of the quarter . I can 't believe that the school year is already half over ! ! This is my desk - - where I spend lots of my time each week . . . especially when it is report card time ! Friday night Steve and I decided to go out to dinner and then see a movie . We were debating about whether to see The Secret Life of Walter Middy , American Hustle , or Lone Survivor . We kept hearing mixed reviews on the first two , but I know Lone Survivor is pretty graphic and kind of a " guy movie " , so I wasn 't sure if I would like it or not . We were debating what to see right up to the minute we got up to the ticket booth . We finally decided and asked for two tickets to Lone Survivor and they told us they were sold out ! Oh well . It was probably for the best because we were both so exhausted from our week that we fell asleep at 9 : 30 anyway ! Haha ! We are just a barrel of fun on Friday nights . Good grief ! Have you seen any of these movies ? What did you think ? Saturday was pretty much a working day for us . I had to finish report cards and Steve was working on a big project at work , so we got up early and went to Starbucks . Lindy joined us for a little while , too . We got a lot done , so I was glad we did that . We kept David and Caroline last night so Ashley and John could go out on a date . They are at such a fun age right now . David just talks and talks and is the cutest thing . We played cars and had dinner and they splashed in the bathtub . After his bath we made some cookies and ice cream and watched a movie . There is nothing sweeter than a freshly bathed child ! And Caroline is so good natured . She rarely cries and acts like such a big girl . She wants to do everything David does . She also loves playing with Grandaddy 's beard ! I can 't believe in only a few months , we will have three grandbabies ! It is so much fun . We talk about it all the time how much we love being grandparents . We don 't have school tomorrow . We are having Steve 's mom over for dinner and then watching the Seahawks v . 49ers game . I will be taking a break at 9 for Downton Abbey . ( Last week was so intense ! ! ) Sunday nights are much more fun when I don 't have school the next day ! 1 - I have been reading Restless and I really love it . I will talk about that more soon . 2 - I have been trying to get up earlier than I usually do this week . I am just trying it out because I am NOT a morning person . But I have actually found that I have really enjoyed it ! Normally I wake up at around 6 : 15 , but this week I have been getting up at 5 : 15 , and I haven 't even been that tired at night , either . If I ever kept this up , I would totally surprise myself . Haha ! But you sure can get a lot more done once you force yourself out of bed ! : ) I have done laundry , made muffins one morning , and got more Bible study time in . Plus I got to school earlier and got planning done . I have been pretty productive . What time do you usually get up ? 3 - Our afternoons and evenings have been very relaxed this week . When Steve is gone , Lindy and I get lots of time to hang out and talk and fix dinner together , etc . Rocky is in on our party too . I have told you how he follows me around everywhere all the time . Every afternoon , he watches Ellen with me when I get home from school , which really is sweet . He is such a faithful companion . . . even if he does drive me crazy sometimes ! ! 4 - Did you watch American Idol this week with the new judges ? I really like Harry Connick being on it ! He is funny and honest and I like how they don 't have as many crazy people on it . I haven 't watched it in the past few years , but I think I might try it again this year . 5 - Ashley brought David and Caroline over yesterday afternoon for a little while . They are at the cutest age right now . David is just precious and so much fun to hang out with . I loved this picture of him with Lindy . He is the sweetest . How was your weekend ? Mine was really good and I got so much done . I was kind of sad this weekend thinking about Sean 's dad and it poured rain all day on Saturday which can bring on a case of the blues sometimes , but I thought I would share the BEST things about my weekend , instead , since there were a lot of good things too . Friday ! I have the sweetest husband in the world . He always treats me like a queen . He knows how much I love going out to dinner at a fun place and having a date night . This is the text I got at school on Friday afternoon . Best accomplishment : I also finished my Candace Cameron book , Balancing It All , in about two nights . And I am not trying to necessarily read the Bible through in a year , but I am just trying to read it through period ! Haha ! I finished Genesis this weekend . I 'm telling you what , the Old Testament is as good as any soap opera out there ! Best buys : And I got this to use in my class when I want to make hot chocolate for my class ( or hot tea for me ! ) . It 's an electric kettle . One of my friends told me about it and I am in love with it already . It heats water up SO fast . Seriously . . . . just about as fast as a microwave ! ! Best recipe : I used blackberries and it was so good . I have a cobbler recipe that is almost identical to it , but sometimes I forget to fix it . I saw this recipe on Pinterest and it reminded me to try it again . I forgot I had this CD in my car until Lindy drove my car and had it playing when I got back in . Y ' all know how much I love Michael Buble ! ! So , I have been listening to it all weekend . I especially love his duet with Reese Witherspoon on Something Stupid . And Marley and Me came on TV today . Oh my goodness . I LOVE that movie ! It is sad , but I just love the story of their life together . I can relate to so much about it and I love that a lot of it is filmed in Florida where Steve and I have spent so much time together in our marriage . All those places look very familiar to us and we have lots of similar memories there . Ashley had us over to watch the Panthers game today . John got tickets and went with his Dad , so , after church , Steve , Lindy , and I went over to watch with her . She made cheese steak sandwiches and we had lots of chips and dips and even some football brownies . Sadly , the Panthers lost . : ( But I got to hug and kiss on David and Caroline and see Caroline taking steps like a big girl ! ! They always make my day ! You know our week started out cold . . . . and it stayed that way ! Here was the weather on Tuesday . Needless to say , no one wanted to be outside at all that day . It was one of those days where you walked as fast as you could from your car inside and just stayed huddled up in the heat . Of course , there was no recess that day . I made the class hot chocolate in the morning when they got to school and then we just stayed inside and played on the iPads instead of going out . I was really excited , though , because teachers got to wear Uggs to school that day ! We never get to do that , so it was a real treat ! I practically lived in my Uggs every day over Christmas break . They are so warm and comfortable . I wish we could wear them to school all winter ! One thing I do love about freezing cold weather is how cute kids look in their winter scarves and hats ! I just can 't resist these two cutie pies in their little toboggans ! Oh . my . word ! ! ! Ashley sent this picture to me and I just about died from the cuteness . Today was Panthers Day at school since Sunday we are in the playoffs ! ! It was such a fun day and everyone was so excited about it . I have a little girl in my class who literally wore an entire football uniform to school . . . complete with helmet , pads , and football pants ! Can you guess who our class ' favorite player is ? ? All week I have been drinking my favorite Spice Tea ( or Russian Tea ) to keep warm . Here is the recipe . It is the perfect thing to warm up to by the fire at night ! And I always make lots of soups in the winter when it is cold . I found a great recipe for Stuffed Pepper Soup on Mimi 's Making Meals several years ago and it is one of my favorites when you need something quick and easy . I made it this week and it was delish ! Before I go , I was wondering if I could ask you to pray about something with me ? You probably already know that Lindy , has been dating her boyfriend , Sean , for about 4 years now . Yesterday Sean 's dad was diagnosed with lung cancer . He is not a smoker and never has been . He is in really good health and so this came as a total surprise . As you can imagine , it was devastating news for their family . I know they have some really difficult days ahead and I just praying that they feel God 's peace and His presence as they are walking through this . Thank you for praying with me blog friends ! ! Now I am off to get dinner out somewhere fun and enjoy my Friday night . Tomorrow is " Finally - Take - Christmas - Down " Day ! !
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We finally got a snow day here in Charlotte ! Yay ! ! We had an early dismissal from school yesterday so , needless to say , I had some excited third graders on my hands . We hardly ever get snow , so it is BIG deal and so exciting for kids ( and grown - ups , too ! ) . I remember when I was little how much I LOVED snow days , and I still do ! We didn 't get very much snow , but the hill across the street from our house was perfect for sledding . Watching them out my window made me miss the days when my kids were little and had so much fun sledding and building snowmen and snow forts . But I don 't miss spending all that time bundling them up only to have them come back inside just minutes later . And I don 't miss all the wet boots , coats , hats , and scarves that are all over the floor by the front door . I really wish I could have seen David and Caroline today , but the roads were too bad out where Ashley lives . I know they had such a fun day in the snow ! We have had a very relaxing day here at home . Steve had to work from home , so Lindy and I have just been sitting by the fire , drinking hot chocolate and watching our shows and not doing a whole lot . Speaking of watching our shows . . . this past weekend had so many shows we wanted to watch , that we had to DVR several of them and watch them later . But we DID watch The Bachelor Wedding on Sunday night . I am not a Bachelor watcher at all , but Lindy is . And , I have been reading Mix and Match Mama 's blog for a while and just recently discovered that she is Sean 's sister ! ! ? ? ? I know . . . where have I been ? So , I had to watch the wedding ! But if you also watched the Bachelor Wedding , you HAVE to read this recap by Schaeffer ( who is best friends with Sean 's sister Shay . ) Oh my word . . . . sooo funny ! ! Anyway . . . we ventured out this afternoon to get our nails done and the roads weren 't too bad . There were a few patches that were still icy . Tomorrow it is a two hour delay at school , so we get another day to sleep in ! Tonight it is supposed to be very cold . I think it is in the teens overnight . I am making a big pot of chili and watching Nashville . Then I will go to bed and sleep really well knowing I don 't have to get up early ! Yay for snow days ! ! We had a good weekend . I took the day off on Friday so Ashley and I went to lunch together . That was fun because we never get to do that by ourselves . When I got home , Lindy and I did a little shopping together . We didn 't do a whole lot Friday night , because Lindy was kind of sad . She found out on Friday afternoon that her boyfriend , Sean 's dad has kidney cancer that has spread to his lungs . We knew he had lung cancer , but we didn 't know it originated in his kidneys . It was not good news . We are just praying hard for him and trying to stay hopeful . Saturday I was so glad to see Steve . He has been gone all week , just like he was last week . I have missed him ! He had jet lag and Saturday was a cold , dreary day so we took a nap when he got home . I 'm so glad he doesn 't have to go out of town again for a while . January is a busy birthday month for us . My neighbor and good friend , Candy 's birthday is on January 25th . We have been celebrating birthdays together for 14 years now . I went down to her house to take her her present and she was still in her pajamas and watching a movie . That sounds like a good birthday to me ! ! I am so thankful for her and all our fun times together through the years . She is like family to me . Sunday was John 's birthday . I don 't talk too much about John on my blog because he is not a huge fan of social media and is kind of a private guy . But I am so thankful for him . He is the best dad and husband for Ashley . He is a hard worker and is such a good provider for his family . He is smart and funny and a strong leader . We love him and thank God that He brought such a good guy into Ashley 's life . Then today was my niece Bailey 's birthday . She turned seven . I will never forget the night she was born . It was Steve 's parents ' 50th anniversary and they had a 50 's themed party . We left the party when we found out Bailey had been born and went to the hospital dressed in our 50 's poodle skirts and saddle oxfords and pony tails . Haha ! I 'm sure we looked pretty funny in the maternity ward dressed in our 50 's clothes ! : ) We celebrated with her tonight at La Unica , one of our favorite Mexican restaurants . I sure am thankful for all my sweet family and friends . We are on a snow watch for tomorrow . It probably won 't do anything , but they are expecting at least an inch or two . I hope we get at least a little something ! ! Teachers wish for snow days just like the kids do ! : ) " Every one of us was made to do great things , and it is why something in us feels restless and discontent . Because deep down , we know we were created for some great purpose . And these great things we were built to do are for God , through God , and in God . " - Jennie Allen About a week or two ago , I started seeing a book all over the internet . I saw it being promoted on several of the blogs that I read . I saw it on Facebook . And I just started hearing a lot about how good it was . The book was Restless by Jennie Allen . I have read Jennie 's blog and I know that she is one of the organizers of the If : Gathering that is coming up in February . I love her heart for the Lord , and I am always looking for a good book , so I downloaded it onto my Kindle and seriously read it in about two days . It was SO good . I have now added this book to my favorite books list , so I wanted to share with you just a few things that I thought were so meaningful about it . I always like to get a personal recommendation from a friend when choosing a good book and I can definitely give you one in this case . I have a feeling when you read it , it will resonate with you just like it did me . Let me start by sharing a few quotes that I loved from the book . I think it will give you an idea about what the book is all about . Since I can 't phrase it like she does , I will just let you read it for yourself ! : ) " Don 't bother waiting around for a unique voice to come out of the sky . We move , respond , love , and obey . And as we go , God leads humble souls who are willing to be led . " I think most people who love the Lord want be doing something that matters for Him here on earth and this book is just so practical in showing how to find out what that is and then DO it . Your calling may be in an orphanage in Uganda , it may be adopting a child , it may be leading a Bible study in your office or starting a non - profit . But it also may be in a messy kitchen fixing peanut butter sandwiches for your babies or even stuck in a place or job you don 't love . Those less glamorous callings are just as important as the others . It just reminded me that God has placed me here and in this time and I need make His name great to the people and the world I am walking through each day . " This is about how we spend our minutes and our days . Because eventually , our minutes and days equal our lives . " So . . . I just wanted to share this with you today . If you are wondering what God wants you to do and how you can make His name great in your little world , this book is for you . It 's super practical and it reminds us that we are all important and we all have a job to do . I loved it . People watching might be one of my very favorite pastimes . I have loved it ever since I was a little girl ! I could sit on a bench in a mall or a park for hours and just watch people go by . It always amazes me to see the variety of people that are in this world and wonder where they came from and what they do and what their life is like . You can 't sit there very long without thinking about how creative God is . Everyone is so unique and different in all shapes and sizes and colors ! Maybe that 's one reason that I love New York City so much . It is probably the mecca of people watching ! Lots of times when Steve and I go out to dinner at a restaurant , I get so distracted from our conversation because I am so interested in watching all the people around us . And I love hearing people 's stories . I really do . If I am with you and you are telling me about your life , I promise I am totally interested . You know how sometimes you are friends with someone who always wants to talk about themselves and they never ask you about your life ? That is not me . Of course , I like to share about my life , too , and I want to be with someone who is going to be interested in what I have to say . But I really enjoy listening just as much as I do talking ! I guess the fact that I love people 's stories so much is why biographies have always been my favorite books . When I was in elementary school , I would read through a whole series of biographies at a time . My mother bought me a set of biographies about the presidents that I loved and still have ! I also read all the Laura Ingalls Wilder books about her life . And there was a really great series of biography books in the library at my school that had stories about people like Clara Barton and Louisa May Alcott and other famous Americans . I read them all and can even remember the exact shelf where they were located ! I still love biographies ! I like to read about historical figures , political leaders , celebrities , every day people , and really anyone ! I can 't even begin to count how many books like thesGetting to know people and learn their stories is one of the things I really love about teaching , too . Just think about it . . . when you are a teacher , you not only get 25 new students each year , but you also meet their families . And you get to know those families very well , very quickly . That is such a blessing to me . I love getting to know all those sweet children and their parents . I don 't have a board yet on Pinterest for the people of the world , but I need to get one ! I am always drawn to those interesting faces . A person 's eyes and the lines on their face can tell such a story . So . . . knowing how much I love people watching , you can imagine how fascinated I was when I recently found a website called Humans of New York . Have you ever heard of it ? It is so interesting ! " My name is Brandon and I began Humans of New York in the summer of 2010 . HONY resulted from an idea that I had to construct a photographic census of New York City . I thought it would be really cool to create an exhaustive catalogue of the city 's inhabitants , so I set out to photograph 10 , 000 New Yorkers and plot their photos on a map . I worked for several months with this goal in mind . But somewhere along the way , HONY began to take on a much different character . I started collecting quotes and short stories from the people I met , and began including these snippets alongside the photographs . Taken together , these portraits and captions became the subject of a vibrant blog , which over the past two years has gained a large daily following . With nearly one million collective followers on Facebook and Tumblr , HONY now provides a worldwide audience with glimpses into the lives of strangers in New York City . Yep . . . that is right up my alley ! It is now one of my favorite websites to browse . If you are a people watcher like me , you should take a minute to look at it . I bet you will enjoy it , too ! Happy MLK Day ! Today is that day that everybody loves because we get to get off work and have a long weekend , but there is a lot of importance to this day , too . I am thankful for a man who had a passion for making the world a better place and all the courage it took to stand up for things that are right . We had a really fun day today . It was great to be able to stay up a little bit later last night and sleep in this morning . Lindy had been wanting to go to lunch at a new little restaurant that has recently opened up in Charlotte called Tupelo Honey . So , we did that today ! It serves all kinds of yummy southern food . I got blackeyed peas , mac and cheese , fried okra , and fried green tomatoes . It was really good . Lindy got a gluten free grilled veggie sandwich and fizzy berry punch . We both loved it . After we left , we met Ashley and David to see Frozen . We all really enjoyed it . Cute story , cute songs , cute characters . . . . a perfect Disney combination ! David was so excited to see it and he did great . It was super crowded in the theater , so we didn 't get to sit together . But I took a picture of him right when the movie started . He had his icee and was mesmerized . Ashley said he sat still and watched the whole thing ! Tomorrow it is back to work . It is Spirit Week this week , so I am sure everyone will be excited and energetic tomorrow on Tacky Day ! Haha . I better get a good night 's sleep ! : ) We have had a good weekend . Friday was a half day for us at school since it is the end of the quarter . I can 't believe that the school year is already half over ! ! This is my desk - - where I spend lots of my time each week . . . especially when it is report card time ! Friday night Steve and I decided to go out to dinner and then see a movie . We were debating about whether to see The Secret Life of Walter Middy , American Hustle , or Lone Survivor . We kept hearing mixed reviews on the first two , but I know Lone Survivor is pretty graphic and kind of a " guy movie " , so I wasn 't sure if I would like it or not . We were debating what to see right up to the minute we got up to the ticket booth . We finally decided and asked for two tickets to Lone Survivor and they told us they were sold out ! Oh well . It was probably for the best because we were both so exhausted from our week that we fell asleep at 9 : 30 anyway ! Haha ! We are just a barrel of fun on Friday nights . Good grief ! Have you seen any of these movies ? What did you think ? Saturday was pretty much a working day for us . I had to finish report cards and Steve was working on a big project at work , so we got up early and went to Starbucks . Lindy joined us for a little while , too . We got a lot done , so I was glad we did that . We kept David and Caroline last night so Ashley and John could go out on a date . They are at such a fun age right now . David just talks and talks and is the cutest thing . We played cars and had dinner and they splashed in the bathtub . After his bath we made some cookies and ice cream and watched a movie . There is nothing sweeter than a freshly bathed child ! And Caroline is so good natured . She rarely cries and acts like such a big girl . She wants to do everything David does . She also loves playing with Grandaddy 's beard ! I can 't believe in only a few months , we will have three grandbabies ! It is so much fun . We talk about it all the time how much we love being grandparents . We don 't have school tomorrow . We are having Steve 's mom over for dinner and then watching the Seahawks v . 49ers game . I will be taking a break at 9 for Downton Abbey . ( Last week was so intense ! ! ) Sunday nights are much more fun when I don 't have school the next day ! 1 - I have been reading Restless and I really love it . I will talk about that more soon . 2 - I have been trying to get up earlier than I usually do this week . I am just trying it out because I am NOT a morning person . But I have actually found that I have really enjoyed it ! Normally I wake up at around 6 : 15 , but this week I have been getting up at 5 : 15 , and I haven 't even been that tired at night , either . If I ever kept this up , I would totally surprise myself . Haha ! But you sure can get a lot more done once you force yourself out of bed ! : ) I have done laundry , made muffins one morning , and got more Bible study time in . Plus I got to school earlier and got planning done . I have been pretty productive . What time do you usually get up ? 3 - Our afternoons and evenings have been very relaxed this week . When Steve is gone , Lindy and I get lots of time to hang out and talk and fix dinner together , etc . Rocky is in on our party too . I have told you how he follows me around everywhere all the time . Every afternoon , he watches Ellen with me when I get home from school , which really is sweet . He is such a faithful companion . . . even if he does drive me crazy sometimes ! ! 4 - Did you watch American Idol this week with the new judges ? I really like Harry Connick being on it ! He is funny and honest and I like how they don 't have as many crazy people on it . I haven 't watched it in the past few years , but I think I might try it again this year . 5 - Ashley brought David and Caroline over yesterday afternoon for a little while . They are at the cutest age right now . David is just precious and so much fun to hang out with . I loved this picture of him with Lindy . He is the sweetest . How was your weekend ? Mine was really good and I got so much done . I was kind of sad this weekend thinking about Sean 's dad and it poured rain all day on Saturday which can bring on a case of the blues sometimes , but I thought I would share the BEST things about my weekend , instead , since there were a lot of good things too . Friday ! I have the sweetest husband in the world . He always treats me like a queen . He knows how much I love going out to dinner at a fun place and having a date night . This is the text I got at school on Friday afternoon . Best accomplishment : I also finished my Candace Cameron book , Balancing It All , in about two nights . And I am not trying to necessarily read the Bible through in a year , but I am just trying to read it through period ! Haha ! I finished Genesis this weekend . I 'm telling you what , the Old Testament is as good as any soap opera out there ! Best buys : And I got this to use in my class when I want to make hot chocolate for my class ( or hot tea for me ! ) . It 's an electric kettle . One of my friends told me about it and I am in love with it already . It heats water up SO fast . Seriously . . . . just about as fast as a microwave ! ! Best recipe : I used blackberries and it was so good . I have a cobbler recipe that is almost identical to it , but sometimes I forget to fix it . I saw this recipe on Pinterest and it reminded me to try it again . I forgot I had this CD in my car until Lindy drove my car and had it playing when I got back in . Y ' all know how much I love Michael Buble ! ! So , I have been listening to it all weekend . I especially love his duet with Reese Witherspoon on Something Stupid . And Marley and Me came on TV today . Oh my goodness . I LOVE that movie ! It is sad , but I just love the story of their life together . I can relate to so much about it and I love that a lot of it is filmed in Florida where Steve and I have spent so much time together in our marriage . All those places look very familiar to us and we have lots of similar memories there . Ashley had us over to watch the Panthers game today . John got tickets and went with his Dad , so , after church , Steve , Lindy , and I went over to watch with her . She made cheese steak sandwiches and we had lots of chips and dips and even some football brownies . Sadly , the Panthers lost . : ( But I got to hug and kiss on David and Caroline and see Caroline taking steps like a big girl ! ! They always make my day ! You know our week started out cold . . . . and it stayed that way ! Here was the weather on Tuesday . Needless to say , no one wanted to be outside at all that day . It was one of those days where you walked as fast as you could from your car inside and just stayed huddled up in the heat . Of course , there was no recess that day . I made the class hot chocolate in the morning when they got to school and then we just stayed inside and played on the iPads instead of going out . I was really excited , though , because teachers got to wear Uggs to school that day ! We never get to do that , so it was a real treat ! I practically lived in my Uggs every day over Christmas break . They are so warm and comfortable . I wish we could wear them to school all winter ! One thing I do love about freezing cold weather is how cute kids look in their winter scarves and hats ! I just can 't resist these two cutie pies in their little toboggans ! Oh . my . word ! ! ! Ashley sent this picture to me and I just about died from the cuteness . Today was Panthers Day at school since Sunday we are in the playoffs ! ! It was such a fun day and everyone was so excited about it . I have a little girl in my class who literally wore an entire football uniform to school . . . complete with helmet , pads , and football pants ! Can you guess who our class ' favorite player is ? ? All week I have been drinking my favorite Spice Tea ( or Russian Tea ) to keep warm . Here is the recipe . It is the perfect thing to warm up to by the fire at night ! And I always make lots of soups in the winter when it is cold . I found a great recipe for Stuffed Pepper Soup on Mimi 's Making Meals several years ago and it is one of my favorites when you need something quick and easy . I made it this week and it was delish ! Before I go , I was wondering if I could ask you to pray about something with me ? You probably already know that Lindy , has been dating her boyfriend , Sean , for about 4 years now . Yesterday Sean 's dad was diagnosed with lung cancer . He is not a smoker and never has been . He is in really good health and so this came as a total surprise . As you can imagine , it was devastating news for their family . I know they have some really difficult days ahead and I just praying that they feel God 's peace and His presence as they are walking through this . Thank you for praying with me blog friends ! ! Now I am off to get dinner out somewhere fun and enjoy my Friday night . Tomorrow is " Finally - Take - Christmas - Down " Day ! !
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I 'm not big on resolutions . I 've made them before , and like everyone else they fade into the blur of my life . I last a few days , a few weeks , and before I know it I don 't even remember to try and keep up with my resolutions . 8 . Every time I 'm given the opportunity , I will give to charity . Even if it 's $ 1 . 00 . I will give . The kids are alternating between watching movies and bundling up and playing outside . They 're playing with Christmas toys , making snowmen and building snow forts . Apparently , they 're also throwing snowballs . Today I 'm lounging , still in my snowflake pajamas . Aside from blogging , I 've been stepping over toys and stepping on tiny figures . I 've been recycling boxes and crunching up wrapping paper . I 'm doing all of this in total and complete peace because all the munchkins are happily entertained with all of Santa 's toys . I don 't think any of them has eaten yet . Other than Moopa I haven 't seen a morsel of food cross their lips . Unless of course I count myself and the three chocolates I had about fifteen minutes ago . Recovering from Christmas is a beautiful time . The family is home , the kids are entertained , and the food is still abundant . The wrapping is done , the craziness has subsided . Excitement is in the air . This time of year is all about giving , about loving and about family . In our house it 's also about good behavior , because my munchkins can see the finish line . It 's in sight , and they up the amount of sharing and helping and loving by at least 50 % . Today my little guy , LLG , was recognized for his kindness . His teacher told me how he defended a boy that was being teased , without anyone asking him to do so . My little guy went out onto the playground , on his own , and asked his friend to leave this boy alone . While there were police outside when I arrived at the school , and security was at an all time high , the mood inside the gym was cheerful . Kids were wearing reindeer antlers and Santa hats , and they were chattering in excitement as usual . These kids were unaware of the sadness and the cruelty and the trauma outside their little worlds . I am a staunch believer that kids need to be kids . They need time to believe in Santa , and believe in fairies . They deserve time to imagine a world where anything is possible . They need to play with toys and play with friends . They don 't need the weight of the world on their shoulders . My oldest is eleven . He is aware of the tragedy in Connecticut , and he hears plenty at school . Today he stayed home , and joined me at his old elementary school . He needed the breather , the space away from rumors and chatter about threats and the end of the world . Hug your babies . Play your Christmas music . Bake your cookies . Bring your family and your friends together these next few weeks and celebrate a new year of happiness . We all need a little Christmas Cheer . Wishing you plenty this weekend , and in the weeks ahead ! Happy baking everyone ! 1 . Package goodies in a shirt box . If you 're bringing these to school for a birthday , dress up the box with a ribbon . If you 're bringing these to a party for the holidays , add a holiday bow and bells . 2 . When baking brownies , omit the oil , and add same amount applesauce . Add a squeeze ( about 2 - 3 tablespoons ) chocolate syrup . Bake as usual . For an even better brownie , double the recipe . Bake 40 - 45 minutes , rotating pan half way through baking . Check center with a toothpick , and do not overbake . 3 . When baking sugar cookies , keep your cookie cutters handy after you put those cookies in the oven . If your cookies don 't hold their shape while baking , grab the cookie cutters ( when cookies are fresh from oven , still hot ) and trim those edges for perfectly shaped cookies . 4 . If you 're in the mood for chewy , gooey chocolate chip cookies , chill your batter before baking , and shorten baking time by a minute or two . Remove cookies from oven when they are a tad undone in center . Leave them on the tray a two to three minutes to set the center , and transfer to wire rack . 5 . If your first batch of chocolate chip cookies comes out of the oven flat , looking like a hot mess ( it 's happened to us all ) , grab a 9x13 pan . Firmly press the remainder of your batter into the pan and bake at 350 for approximately 25 - 30 minutes ( until center is just done ) . Our world was incredibly shaken last Friday , and I still believe we will never be the same . In my moments of sem - normalcy , I 've listened to Christmas music . I 've baked . I 've shopped and went to church . Early this morning , I turned off my alarm . I want to believe it was an accident , because in my foggy memory I didn 't turn it off , I turned the knob to radio . I just didn 't want to wake to the blaring beeping noise . Tonight I 've been looking through photos on my hard drive , because months go by and I realize nothing has been uploaded and made into prints . This is me constantly , always catching up on my photo albums . Just now , I found this picture . There is such beauty in the world . Even in the wake of all this horror , there is beauty all around us . A week ago I would have looked at this picture , loved it , and uploaded . Tonight , I look at this picture and I see the jammies , and the cupcakes . I see the twinkle in my daughter 's eyes . I 'm awake . I 'm present . I 'm looking for the details and the beauty . I remind everyone to pray . Continue to pray hard . The families directly affected by this tragedy will need those prayers long after the news coverage disappears . unveil my new smile to the world . I am thrilled to announce to everyone , they worked . They truly , honestly did . I have never been a smoker , and I drink iced a victim of coffee or cigarette stains . I didn 't see any need for teeth whiter than the ones I had . Until I used Crest Whitestrips . I bought that first box of Crest Whitestrips six years It 's been an emotional few days . There 's been more hugs , less worrying about crumbs and laundry . One minute I 'm baking and planning for Christmas , the next minute I feel broken inside that I can bake and plan for Christmas . The horror of Friday will stay will many of us for a very long time . I have a strong belief that as parents , it 's our job to teach our kids what is right . We can 't let society do the job for us . We need to stay involved , and to keep the conversation open about just about everything . There is good , I know there is . When the world frightens us , we need to be brave . When the world is cruel , we need to be kind . In the wake of this unimaginable horror , we need to band together , because we are stronger than the evil that creeps among us . We need to find the good , the strong and the faithful . As my good friend Mr . Rogers so eloquently said , when there is tragedy on the news , " Look for the helpers . . . There are always people helping . " I had my oldest baby in Bridgeport , Connecticut , not far from where the children screamed today in that elementary school . I 've driven on those roads . Shopped in those stores . Newtown is quaint , and quiet . I often wished we lived there , instead of the town we lived in . I admired its beauty , its neighborhoods . I have a dear friend who lives there now . And by the grace of God , her daughter does not attend that school . But twenty other children have parents who now wish their children didn 't attend that school either . What spares one child , and not the next ? These tragedies force us to look long and hard about what separates us from the families grieving today . It 's where live , what schools we send our babies off to every day . No one asks to be in the face of such a horror . Unfortunately , the horror chooses us . I can 't begin to fathom how anyone could look at a class full of kids , full of innocence , and pull a trigger . I can 't imagine how mentally ill someone could be , how they could have been living among us and no one ever noticed how close to the edge they were . There is no amount of political commentary that could every fix or explain this tragedy . Pray . Pray hard . Because after today , I 'm convinced this world is broken . And we need to pull together to put society back together . Change starts with us , because as everyone knows , kindness is contagious . I wasn 't yelling , or screaming or scary mom ranting . I was just preoccupied . I didn 't make myself available to them the way I usually do , and I know it . Homework took more time for them because I wasn 't over their shoulders when they needed help . They spent more time watching cartoons , and we spent less time reading books . I was more frustrated than I usually am because my mind was in too many places at once . I remember when I answered the switchboard at my dad 's office . I was the " switchboard operator . " I had this job after school for two years , and sometimes during the summer . I used to bring magazines to read when the phones were slow . Trouble was , I would get really into some juicy article about Jen Aniston and Brad Pitt , and then a call would come in . There were too many interruptions , and it frustrated me and annoyed me and made me a very curt telephone operator . Except , it was my job to answer the switchboard . It may not have been the most glorious job in the universe , but it was mine . And one afternoon , after an Oprah " ah ha moment " I decided to just sit , and focus on answering the phones . The job was so much less frustrating . I was 100 % available to the switchboard , and I was the most pleasant operator in the millwork business . Other than my mother , of course . She really took the cake when it came to directing calls . Yesterday , it was the switchboard all over again . My kids , even though they may get quiet , are still my job . And it 's not fair for me to get preoccupied with things that can wait until they are at school or happily dreaming of Disney World . Sometimes there are issues that can 't wait wait , and that 's okay . That 's life . But sometimes the issues can wait . My babies are only young once , but the chaos of everyday life will be around forever . Today , I 'm putting down the magazine and I 'm making myself 100 % available to the switchboard . I 'm going to be the most pleasant mommy in the mommy - ing business . I promise . Last Friday , after we settled in from all our running around , I was feeling " weekend - y . " It was finally time for movies and blankets and lounging around . Our week was winding down and we were all in need of the recharging . I woke to my alarm at 6 : 30am . The house was dark and I turned to smack Hubby and tell him it was time for him to go . He wasn 't there . It took me a Monday morning minute to realize it was time to get up . I woke my middle school bus riding son , and headed down the stairs . There was doo in the house . My sense of smell is far superior to anyone else is our house , and I could smell it . It punched me square in the face at 6 : 35 in the morning . I approached the dog crates , and saw Georgia with puke out the front of her crate . I saw sh * t crammed against the sides . Some fell out on the wall . This , is Georgia . I opened the crates , and as Georgia ran out ( surprising clean ) more fecal matter tumbled out of the crate after her . And then I kind of threw up in my mouth . I 'll spare you the details of the cleaning . I 'll just tell you Georgia is in the market for a new doggie bed . Happy Monday to me . I need a Starbucks and it 's just after 7am . I 'm thinking I 'll tie my coffee in with some Christmas shopping to really put out these flames . Until a few weeks ago , I 'd never heard of Babbabox . Babbabox is a box of goodies that is delivered to your door , complete with a theme to thrill kids ages 3 - 6 . Each box includes two to three activities , a theme based product to engage your child in the world around them , a book and prepaid downloads . If you have nieces , nephews or friends that are tough to shop for , consider sending a Babbabox . I can 't stand cracked , dry , winter skin . It 's enough to make me relocate . Since relocation isn 't in the cards , I 've developed a system to deal with hands that feel like sandpaper and itchy arms under my sweaters . My system involves heavy moisturizers right out of my hot showers . The moisturizer needs to be thick , creamy and leave my hands looking as if I dipped them in oil . I need to apply the moisturizer immediately after I dry my skin . Olay ® has made my life easier with a body wash that smells of delicious vanilla and helps cure dry , cracked winter skin . With continued use , skin stays soft and crack - free . I 'm convinced Olay 's ® Winter Retreat may just be the best thing since sliced bread . Or low - fat ice cream . P & G is running a campaign aimed at making every consumer 's life simpler , easier and less chaotic . " Have You Tried This Yet ? " features top quality products for yourself , your family and your home . Visit pgtryit . com for innovative " how - to " video tutorials and information on how you can stay in the know with all P & G 's products . This giveaway is open to US Residents age 18 or older . Winners will be selected via random draw , and will be notified by e - mail . You have 72 hours to get back to me , otherwise a new winner will be selected . Even better , they are super easy to make . Package these bad boys up in a candy box , add a bow , and these little delights are the perfect teacher gift . Or bus driver gift . Or dance teacher gift . Or hostess gift . In a large glass bowl , empty both bags of chocolate . Set aside 1 / 2 cup chips , and place large glass bowl in microwave . Heat on HIGH in 45 second intervals , stirring after each interval until chocolate is smooth . Add in 1 / 2 cup chips and stir until smooth . Add oil , stir . Remove cupcake pans and peanut butter mixture . Drop 1 teaspoon peanut butter into each cup . Flatten slightly with back of spoon . Drop 1 teaspoon jelly over top , and chill 5 minutes . Mommyhood Footnote : Don 't like PB & J ? Make these as Peanut Butter cups . I made one tray PB & J , one tray PB . Delish ! Enjoy ! ! Christmas , for us , is on a tighter budget . But it 's still big and brilliant , just like my parents always did for us . It 's about family and giving , and remembering those around us . To efficiently pull off an over - the - top Christmas with six kids , my mom had to be organized . She never rested . She shopped and wrapped and had the holiday down to a stressful science . But she loved it because nothing compared to all the " magic " of Christmas morning . Here , in a nutshell , is what I 've learned from my parents about Christmas . I buy glossy paper to wrap adult gifts . I buy ribbon . I tie on bells and ornaments . I firmly believe in extravagant wrapping just like my mother does . Fancy wrap reminds me of how I like my candy . The prettier the chocolate , the better it tastes . With six kids , my mother had to be crafty when it came to hiding gifts . To keep things organized , she stored our gifts as she bought them , and they were separated according to child . One large box would hold one child 's gifts . Or one large black plastic garbage bag . These were lined up in the basement , or storage room , or my dad 's office . We never knew that Santa 's workshop was right under our noses . We never suspected anything , because the gifts were hidden among all the other storage . I have implemented the same system . She still uses this system . Every Christmas , she hands me an envelope full of gift receipts for the grandkids . This makes life very , very easy when items go unused or we have duplicates . If a second cousin or grandparent was expected to be joining us , they had a gift . No question asked . Christmas is about giving . It 's about remembering the people around you , and acknowledging them . These gifts don 't have to be extravagant . Even a $ 5 gift card for a cup of coffee goes a long way . Even after myself and my siblings knew what was really " going on " every Christmas , we still had to go to bed for Santa to arrive . Our stockings were still full in the morning , and we never knew what was going to be under the tree . There was no " you pick it out and I 'll wrap it . " There was magic . Always . Every year we watched Christmas movies , made cookies , and read " The Night Before Christmas . " Table settings were festive , there was a fire in the fireplace . Yesterday , after running a fever the night before and complaining of a sore throat , I decided it was time to make the call . I let him sleep in ( heavenly when your bus is 6 : 55am ) and I called the doctor . I was hoping for a nice late morning appointment , an appointment that would have us home for the elementary school bus at 3 : 23 . The best she could do was 4pm . I knew at that moment they had to be busy . I hardly ever have to wait until late afternoon to get my kids into our pediatrician . Since I had planned to get some shopping done , and my oldest is able to understand direction and listen when I tell him not to touch things , I drugged him with some cold medicine and we went shopping . I made this up to him with a Chocolate - y Chip Frappuccino . Helps the throat . We walked into the pediatrician 's office , and there were people everywhere . I wanted to bathe myself in Purell . My stress level shot through the roof as I watched the 75 % of my well kids touch items in the waiting rooms . I sent them to the bathroom for hand washing and to the check in desk for sanitizer every three to five minutes . My anxiety level was entering the red zone as kids around us coughed , sneezed and whined in their mom 's laps . After I crammed my small army into the examination room we waited for the doctor . I knew I had one thing on my side , the office is supposed to close at 4 : 30 . This meant a quick , to the point exam and a staff moving at warp speed to get out of there and close up shop . Every nurse , secretary and doctor looked as if they fought a pack of wolves . Hair was in need of a brushing , faces tired and pale . I could tell this office had been through the mill . I could also tell they wanted out , asap . For this I was grateful . We left the pediatricians at 4 : 55pm , loaded into the mommy - van , and made it to gymnastics by 5 : 07pm . Not too shabby . I dropped my daughter , and knew I had to feed the kids or my next stop would be a disaster . I picked up twenty nuggets and beverages at the drive thru , and handed out nuggets as I drove to the pharmacy to pick up our prescription . Now I wait , hoping none of the other munchkins come down with anything other than a cold . Never a dull moment in mommyhood . We 're moving . Many of you know this , and if you didn 't , you know it now . We decided to rent our house out , since selling in this current market would be nearly impossible unless we had tons of cash lying around to give the bank to cover what the selling price didn 't . So not happening . About two weeks ago , our realtor called with a possible renter . We weren 't planning on moving until after the holidays , but this renter wanted in . He was a pilot in the military and needed the house by December 1st . No flippin ' way . Then my realtor said he can wait until the 15th , and since my parents can fit us comfortably in their house just eight miles away , I decided to say yes . We 'll move . We 'll take the piece of mind . I will gratefully accept this renter with open arms and be mortgage free until we buy a new house in Pennsylvania . This was on a Tuesday . The guy was coming to see the house on Saturday . And then on Thursday he wasn 't coming , but sending his realtor to take pictures Saturday so he could see it in more detail . I cleaned the house like crazy . I cleaned windowsills when I had nothing left to clean . And then she didn 't show up . And then they did . We made a deal verbally regarding price and property details . We started to pack . I sold some furniture . All the while I was waiting for a deposit . Saturday , this guy flew in to finally see the house and leave a deposit . We agreed to a few conditions , and were told he " loved " the house . This was at noon . We moved some clothes to my parents ' house , and went to dinner . I was mentally ready for my Charlie Brown tree in my small two bedroom apartment attached to my mom 's house , and to sit by the fire watching Christmas movies in her living room . Mommy Sweat n . Perspiration that has no correlation to temperature or physical activity , but rather is a direct result of your children causing you anxiety in public places . Mothers are especially prone to this condition at grocery stores , shopping malls , school events and any location requiring a person to conduct themselves in a civilized manner . Followers
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I 'm not big on resolutions . I 've made them before , and like everyone else they fade into the blur of my life . I last a few days , a few weeks , and before I know it I don 't even remember to try and keep up with my resolutions . 8 . Every time I 'm given the opportunity , I will give to charity . Even if it 's $ 1 . 00 . I will give . The kids are alternating between watching movies and bundling up and playing outside . They 're playing with Christmas toys , making snowmen and building snow forts . Apparently , they 're also throwing snowballs . Today I 'm lounging , still in my snowflake pajamas . Aside from blogging , I 've been stepping over toys and stepping on tiny figures . I 've been recycling boxes and crunching up wrapping paper . I 'm doing all of this in total and complete peace because all the munchkins are happily entertained with all of Santa 's toys . I don 't think any of them has eaten yet . Other than Moopa I haven 't seen a morsel of food cross their lips . Unless of course I count myself and the three chocolates I had about fifteen minutes ago . Recovering from Christmas is a beautiful time . The family is home , the kids are entertained , and the food is still abundant . The wrapping is done , the craziness has subsided . Excitement is in the air . This time of year is all about giving , about loving and about family . In our house it 's also about good behavior , because my munchkins can see the finish line . It 's in sight , and they up the amount of sharing and helping and loving by at least 50 % . Today my little guy , LLG , was recognized for his kindness . His teacher told me how he defended a boy that was being teased , without anyone asking him to do so . My little guy went out onto the playground , on his own , and asked his friend to leave this boy alone . While there were police outside when I arrived at the school , and security was at an all time high , the mood inside the gym was cheerful . Kids were wearing reindeer antlers and Santa hats , and they were chattering in excitement as usual . These kids were unaware of the sadness and the cruelty and the trauma outside their little worlds . I am a staunch believer that kids need to be kids . They need time to believe in Santa , and believe in fairies . They deserve time to imagine a world where anything is possible . They need to play with toys and play with friends . They don 't need the weight of the world on their shoulders . My oldest is eleven . He is aware of the tragedy in Connecticut , and he hears plenty at school . Today he stayed home , and joined me at his old elementary school . He needed the breather , the space away from rumors and chatter about threats and the end of the world . Hug your babies . Play your Christmas music . Bake your cookies . Bring your family and your friends together these next few weeks and celebrate a new year of happiness . We all need a little Christmas Cheer . Wishing you plenty this weekend , and in the weeks ahead ! Happy baking everyone ! 1 . Package goodies in a shirt box . If you 're bringing these to school for a birthday , dress up the box with a ribbon . If you 're bringing these to a party for the holidays , add a holiday bow and bells . 2 . When baking brownies , omit the oil , and add same amount applesauce . Add a squeeze ( about 2 - 3 tablespoons ) chocolate syrup . Bake as usual . For an even better brownie , double the recipe . Bake 40 - 45 minutes , rotating pan half way through baking . Check center with a toothpick , and do not overbake . 3 . When baking sugar cookies , keep your cookie cutters handy after you put those cookies in the oven . If your cookies don 't hold their shape while baking , grab the cookie cutters ( when cookies are fresh from oven , still hot ) and trim those edges for perfectly shaped cookies . 4 . If you 're in the mood for chewy , gooey chocolate chip cookies , chill your batter before baking , and shorten baking time by a minute or two . Remove cookies from oven when they are a tad undone in center . Leave them on the tray a two to three minutes to set the center , and transfer to wire rack . 5 . If your first batch of chocolate chip cookies comes out of the oven flat , looking like a hot mess ( it 's happened to us all ) , grab a 9x13 pan . Firmly press the remainder of your batter into the pan and bake at 350 for approximately 25 - 30 minutes ( until center is just done ) . Our world was incredibly shaken last Friday , and I still believe we will never be the same . In my moments of sem - normalcy , I 've listened to Christmas music . I 've baked . I 've shopped and went to church . Early this morning , I turned off my alarm . I want to believe it was an accident , because in my foggy memory I didn 't turn it off , I turned the knob to radio . I just didn 't want to wake to the blaring beeping noise . Tonight I 've been looking through photos on my hard drive , because months go by and I realize nothing has been uploaded and made into prints . This is me constantly , always catching up on my photo albums . Just now , I found this picture . There is such beauty in the world . Even in the wake of all this horror , there is beauty all around us . A week ago I would have looked at this picture , loved it , and uploaded . Tonight , I look at this picture and I see the jammies , and the cupcakes . I see the twinkle in my daughter 's eyes . I 'm awake . I 'm present . I 'm looking for the details and the beauty . I remind everyone to pray . Continue to pray hard . The families directly affected by this tragedy will need those prayers long after the news coverage disappears . unveil my new smile to the world . I am thrilled to announce to everyone , they worked . They truly , honestly did . I have never been a smoker , and I drink iced a victim of coffee or cigarette stains . I didn 't see any need for teeth whiter than the ones I had . Until I used Crest Whitestrips . I bought that first box of Crest Whitestrips six years It 's been an emotional few days . There 's been more hugs , less worrying about crumbs and laundry . One minute I 'm baking and planning for Christmas , the next minute I feel broken inside that I can bake and plan for Christmas . The horror of Friday will stay will many of us for a very long time . I have a strong belief that as parents , it 's our job to teach our kids what is right . We can 't let society do the job for us . We need to stay involved , and to keep the conversation open about just about everything . There is good , I know there is . When the world frightens us , we need to be brave . When the world is cruel , we need to be kind . In the wake of this unimaginable horror , we need to band together , because we are stronger than the evil that creeps among us . We need to find the good , the strong and the faithful . As my good friend Mr . Rogers so eloquently said , when there is tragedy on the news , " Look for the helpers . . . There are always people helping . " I had my oldest baby in Bridgeport , Connecticut , not far from where the children screamed today in that elementary school . I 've driven on those roads . Shopped in those stores . Newtown is quaint , and quiet . I often wished we lived there , instead of the town we lived in . I admired its beauty , its neighborhoods . I have a dear friend who lives there now . And by the grace of God , her daughter does not attend that school . But twenty other children have parents who now wish their children didn 't attend that school either . What spares one child , and not the next ? These tragedies force us to look long and hard about what separates us from the families grieving today . It 's where live , what schools we send our babies off to every day . No one asks to be in the face of such a horror . Unfortunately , the horror chooses us . I can 't begin to fathom how anyone could look at a class full of kids , full of innocence , and pull a trigger . I can 't imagine how mentally ill someone could be , how they could have been living among us and no one ever noticed how close to the edge they were . There is no amount of political commentary that could every fix or explain this tragedy . Pray . Pray hard . Because after today , I 'm convinced this world is broken . And we need to pull together to put society back together . Change starts with us , because as everyone knows , kindness is contagious . I wasn 't yelling , or screaming or scary mom ranting . I was just preoccupied . I didn 't make myself available to them the way I usually do , and I know it . Homework took more time for them because I wasn 't over their shoulders when they needed help . They spent more time watching cartoons , and we spent less time reading books . I was more frustrated than I usually am because my mind was in too many places at once . I remember when I answered the switchboard at my dad 's office . I was the " switchboard operator . " I had this job after school for two years , and sometimes during the summer . I used to bring magazines to read when the phones were slow . Trouble was , I would get really into some juicy article about Jen Aniston and Brad Pitt , and then a call would come in . There were too many interruptions , and it frustrated me and annoyed me and made me a very curt telephone operator . Except , it was my job to answer the switchboard . It may not have been the most glorious job in the universe , but it was mine . And one afternoon , after an Oprah " ah ha moment " I decided to just sit , and focus on answering the phones . The job was so much less frustrating . I was 100 % available to the switchboard , and I was the most pleasant operator in the millwork business . Other than my mother , of course . She really took the cake when it came to directing calls . Yesterday , it was the switchboard all over again . My kids , even though they may get quiet , are still my job . And it 's not fair for me to get preoccupied with things that can wait until they are at school or happily dreaming of Disney World . Sometimes there are issues that can 't wait wait , and that 's okay . That 's life . But sometimes the issues can wait . My babies are only young once , but the chaos of everyday life will be around forever . Today , I 'm putting down the magazine and I 'm making myself 100 % available to the switchboard . I 'm going to be the most pleasant mommy in the mommy - ing business . I promise . Last Friday , after we settled in from all our running around , I was feeling " weekend - y . " It was finally time for movies and blankets and lounging around . Our week was winding down and we were all in need of the recharging . I woke to my alarm at 6 : 30am . The house was dark and I turned to smack Hubby and tell him it was time for him to go . He wasn 't there . It took me a Monday morning minute to realize it was time to get up . I woke my middle school bus riding son , and headed down the stairs . There was doo in the house . My sense of smell is far superior to anyone else is our house , and I could smell it . It punched me square in the face at 6 : 35 in the morning . I approached the dog crates , and saw Georgia with puke out the front of her crate . I saw sh * t crammed against the sides . Some fell out on the wall . This , is Georgia . I opened the crates , and as Georgia ran out ( surprising clean ) more fecal matter tumbled out of the crate after her . And then I kind of threw up in my mouth . I 'll spare you the details of the cleaning . I 'll just tell you Georgia is in the market for a new doggie bed . Happy Monday to me . I need a Starbucks and it 's just after 7am . I 'm thinking I 'll tie my coffee in with some Christmas shopping to really put out these flames . Until a few weeks ago , I 'd never heard of Babbabox . Babbabox is a box of goodies that is delivered to your door , complete with a theme to thrill kids ages 3 - 6 . Each box includes two to three activities , a theme based product to engage your child in the world around them , a book and prepaid downloads . If you have nieces , nephews or friends that are tough to shop for , consider sending a Babbabox . I can 't stand cracked , dry , winter skin . It 's enough to make me relocate . Since relocation isn 't in the cards , I 've developed a system to deal with hands that feel like sandpaper and itchy arms under my sweaters . My system involves heavy moisturizers right out of my hot showers . The moisturizer needs to be thick , creamy and leave my hands looking as if I dipped them in oil . I need to apply the moisturizer immediately after I dry my skin . Olay ® has made my life easier with a body wash that smells of delicious vanilla and helps cure dry , cracked winter skin . With continued use , skin stays soft and crack - free . I 'm convinced Olay 's ® Winter Retreat may just be the best thing since sliced bread . Or low - fat ice cream . P & G is running a campaign aimed at making every consumer 's life simpler , easier and less chaotic . " Have You Tried This Yet ? " features top quality products for yourself , your family and your home . Visit pgtryit . com for innovative " how - to " video tutorials and information on how you can stay in the know with all P & G 's products . This giveaway is open to US Residents age 18 or older . Winners will be selected via random draw , and will be notified by e - mail . You have 72 hours to get back to me , otherwise a new winner will be selected . Even better , they are super easy to make . Package these bad boys up in a candy box , add a bow , and these little delights are the perfect teacher gift . Or bus driver gift . Or dance teacher gift . Or hostess gift . In a large glass bowl , empty both bags of chocolate . Set aside 1 / 2 cup chips , and place large glass bowl in microwave . Heat on HIGH in 45 second intervals , stirring after each interval until chocolate is smooth . Add in 1 / 2 cup chips and stir until smooth . Add oil , stir . Remove cupcake pans and peanut butter mixture . Drop 1 teaspoon peanut butter into each cup . Flatten slightly with back of spoon . Drop 1 teaspoon jelly over top , and chill 5 minutes . Mommyhood Footnote : Don 't like PB & J ? Make these as Peanut Butter cups . I made one tray PB & J , one tray PB . Delish ! Enjoy ! ! Christmas , for us , is on a tighter budget . But it 's still big and brilliant , just like my parents always did for us . It 's about family and giving , and remembering those around us . To efficiently pull off an over - the - top Christmas with six kids , my mom had to be organized . She never rested . She shopped and wrapped and had the holiday down to a stressful science . But she loved it because nothing compared to all the " magic " of Christmas morning . Here , in a nutshell , is what I 've learned from my parents about Christmas . I buy glossy paper to wrap adult gifts . I buy ribbon . I tie on bells and ornaments . I firmly believe in extravagant wrapping just like my mother does . Fancy wrap reminds me of how I like my candy . The prettier the chocolate , the better it tastes . With six kids , my mother had to be crafty when it came to hiding gifts . To keep things organized , she stored our gifts as she bought them , and they were separated according to child . One large box would hold one child 's gifts . Or one large black plastic garbage bag . These were lined up in the basement , or storage room , or my dad 's office . We never knew that Santa 's workshop was right under our noses . We never suspected anything , because the gifts were hidden among all the other storage . I have implemented the same system . She still uses this system . Every Christmas , she hands me an envelope full of gift receipts for the grandkids . This makes life very , very easy when items go unused or we have duplicates . If a second cousin or grandparent was expected to be joining us , they had a gift . No question asked . Christmas is about giving . It 's about remembering the people around you , and acknowledging them . These gifts don 't have to be extravagant . Even a $ 5 gift card for a cup of coffee goes a long way . Even after myself and my siblings knew what was really " going on " every Christmas , we still had to go to bed for Santa to arrive . Our stockings were still full in the morning , and we never knew what was going to be under the tree . There was no " you pick it out and I 'll wrap it . " There was magic . Always . Every year we watched Christmas movies , made cookies , and read " The Night Before Christmas . " Table settings were festive , there was a fire in the fireplace . Yesterday , after running a fever the night before and complaining of a sore throat , I decided it was time to make the call . I let him sleep in ( heavenly when your bus is 6 : 55am ) and I called the doctor . I was hoping for a nice late morning appointment , an appointment that would have us home for the elementary school bus at 3 : 23 . The best she could do was 4pm . I knew at that moment they had to be busy . I hardly ever have to wait until late afternoon to get my kids into our pediatrician . Since I had planned to get some shopping done , and my oldest is able to understand direction and listen when I tell him not to touch things , I drugged him with some cold medicine and we went shopping . I made this up to him with a Chocolate - y Chip Frappuccino . Helps the throat . We walked into the pediatrician 's office , and there were people everywhere . I wanted to bathe myself in Purell . My stress level shot through the roof as I watched the 75 % of my well kids touch items in the waiting rooms . I sent them to the bathroom for hand washing and to the check in desk for sanitizer every three to five minutes . My anxiety level was entering the red zone as kids around us coughed , sneezed and whined in their mom 's laps . After I crammed my small army into the examination room we waited for the doctor . I knew I had one thing on my side , the office is supposed to close at 4 : 30 . This meant a quick , to the point exam and a staff moving at warp speed to get out of there and close up shop . Every nurse , secretary and doctor looked as if they fought a pack of wolves . Hair was in need of a brushing , faces tired and pale . I could tell this office had been through the mill . I could also tell they wanted out , asap . For this I was grateful . We left the pediatricians at 4 : 55pm , loaded into the mommy - van , and made it to gymnastics by 5 : 07pm . Not too shabby . I dropped my daughter , and knew I had to feed the kids or my next stop would be a disaster . I picked up twenty nuggets and beverages at the drive thru , and handed out nuggets as I drove to the pharmacy to pick up our prescription . Now I wait , hoping none of the other munchkins come down with anything other than a cold . Never a dull moment in mommyhood . We 're moving . Many of you know this , and if you didn 't , you know it now . We decided to rent our house out , since selling in this current market would be nearly impossible unless we had tons of cash lying around to give the bank to cover what the selling price didn 't . So not happening . About two weeks ago , our realtor called with a possible renter . We weren 't planning on moving until after the holidays , but this renter wanted in . He was a pilot in the military and needed the house by December 1st . No flippin ' way . Then my realtor said he can wait until the 15th , and since my parents can fit us comfortably in their house just eight miles away , I decided to say yes . We 'll move . We 'll take the piece of mind . I will gratefully accept this renter with open arms and be mortgage free until we buy a new house in Pennsylvania . This was on a Tuesday . The guy was coming to see the house on Saturday . And then on Thursday he wasn 't coming , but sending his realtor to take pictures Saturday so he could see it in more detail . I cleaned the house like crazy . I cleaned windowsills when I had nothing left to clean . And then she didn 't show up . And then they did . We made a deal verbally regarding price and property details . We started to pack . I sold some furniture . All the while I was waiting for a deposit . Saturday , this guy flew in to finally see the house and leave a deposit . We agreed to a few conditions , and were told he " loved " the house . This was at noon . We moved some clothes to my parents ' house , and went to dinner . I was mentally ready for my Charlie Brown tree in my small two bedroom apartment attached to my mom 's house , and to sit by the fire watching Christmas movies in her living room . Mommy Sweat n . Perspiration that has no correlation to temperature or physical activity , but rather is a direct result of your children causing you anxiety in public places . Mothers are especially prone to this condition at grocery stores , shopping malls , school events and any location requiring a person to conduct themselves in a civilized manner . Followers
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A Scandal in Bohemia ( SCAN ) is a short story written by Arthur Conan Doyle first published in The Strand Magazine in july 1891 . This is the 3rd Sherlock Holmes story . Collected in The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes . « It was not that he felt any emotion akin to love for Irene Adler . All emotions , and that one particularly , were abhorrent to his cold , precise , but admirably balanced mind . He was , I take it , the most perfect reasoning and observing machine that the world has seen : but , as a lover , he would have placed himself in a false position . He never spoke of the softer passions , save with a gibe and a sneer . They were admirable things for the observer - excellent for drawing the veil from men 's motives and actions . But for the trained reasoner to admit such intrusions into his own delicate and finely adjusted temperament was to introduce a distracting factor which might throw a doubt upon all his mental results . » - Watson . ( 4 ) The King of Bohemia asks Sherlock Holmes to retrieve an incriminating photo where he appears with his former mistress , Irene Adler . The release of the photo could irreparably ruin the King 's marriage . Holmes ( disguised as a groom ) spies and tracks Irene , and finds himself as the best man of the marriage between Miss Irene Adler and Mr . Godfrey Norton . The same evening , Holmes ( disguised as a clergyman ) feigns to be wounded in a street battle in front of Briony Lodge and succeeds to enter in Irene 's house . With the complicity of Watson and a smart stratagem of false fire alarm , he makes Irene Adler betray herself . Because of the smoke , she rushed to a secret panel which was hiding the photograph . Holmes can 't take the photo because the coachman was in the same room , so he decides to come back the next day with the King . Unfortunately , when they came back to Briony Lodge on the next morning , they learn that Irene , who understood the stratagem of Sherlock Holmes , has left the country a few hours before with her husband . However , she addressed a letter to the detective , explaining that she will use the photo only for defensive purpose . She attached a photo of herself for the King as a souvenir . Holmes refused the royal reward from the King but asked him a more valuable present : the photo of Irene Adler . To Sherlock Holmes she is always the woman . I have seldom heard him mention her under any other name . In his eyes she eclipses and predominates the whole of her sex . It was not that he felt any emotion akin to love for Irene Adler . All emotions , and that one particularly , were abhorrent to his cold , precise , but admirably balanced mind . He was , I take it , the most perfect reasoning and observing machine that the world has seen : but , as a lover , he would have placed himself in a false position . He never spoke of the softer passions , save with a gibe and a sneer . They were admirable things for the observer - excellent for drawing the veil from men 's motives and actions . But for the trained reasoner to admit such intrusions into his own delicate and finely adjusted temperament was to introduce a distracting factor which might throw a doubt upon all his mental results . Grit in a sensitive instrument , or a crack in one of his own high - power lenses , would not be more disturbing than a strong emotion in a nature such as his . And yet there was but one woman to him , and that woman was the late Irene Adler , of dubious and questionable memory . I had seen little of Holmes lately . My marriage had drifted us away from each other . My own complete happiness , and the home - centred interests which rise up around the man who first finds himself master of his own establishment , were sufficient to absorb all my attention ; while Holmes , who loathed every form of society with his whole Bohemian soul , remained in our lodgings in Baker Street , buried among his old books , and alternating from week to week between cocaine and ambition , the drowsiness of the drug , and the fierce energy of his own keen nature . He was still , as ever , deeply attracted by the study of crime , and occupied his immense faculties and extraordinary powers of observation in following out those clues , and clearing up those mysteries , which had been abandoned as hopeless by the official police . From time to time I heard some vague account of his doings : of his summons to Odessa in the case of the Trepoff murder , of his clearing up of the singular tragedy of the Atkinson brothers at Trincomalee , and finally of the mission which he had accomplished so delicately and successfully for the reigning family of Holland . Beyond these signs of his activity , however , which I merely shared with all the readers of the daily press , I knew little of my former friend and companion . One night - it was on the 20th of March , 1888 - I was returning from a journey to a patient ( for I had now returned to civil practice ) , when my way led me through Baker Street . As I passed the well remembered door , which must always be associated in my mind with my wooing , and with the dark incidents of the Study in Scarlet , I was seized with a keen desire to see Holmes again , and to know how he was employing his extraordinary powers . His rooms were brilliantly lit , and , even as I looked up , I saw his tall spare figure pass twice in a dark silhouette against the blind . He was pacing the room swiftly , eagerly , with his head sunk upon his chest , and his hands clasped behind him . To me , who knew his every mood and habit , his attitude and manner told their own story . He was at work again . He had risen out of his drug - created dreams , and was hot upon the scent of some new problem . I rang the bell , and was shown up to the chamber which had formerly been in part my own . His manner was not effusive . It seldom was ; but he was glad , I think , to see me . With hardly a word spoken , but with a kindly eye , he waved me to an arm - chair , threw across his case of cigars , and indicated a spirit case and a gasogene in the corner . Then he stood before the fire , and looked me over in his singular introspective fashion . ' Indeed , I should have thought a little more . Just a trifle more , I fancy , Watson . And in practice again , I observe . You did not tell me that you intended to go into harness . ' ' My dear Holmes , ' said I , ' this is too much . You would certainly have been burned had you lived a few centuries ago . It is true that I had a country walk on Thursday and came home in a dreadful mess ; but , as I have changed my clothes , I can 't imagine how you deduce it . As to Mary Jane , she is incorrigible , and my wife has given her notice ; but there again I fail to see how you work it out . ' ' It is simplicity itself , ' said he ; ' my eyes tell me that on the inside of your left shoe , just where the firelight strikes it , the leather is scored by six almost parallel cuts . Obviously they have been caused by some one who has very carelessly scraped round the edges of the sole in order to remove crusted mud from it . Hence , you see , my double deduction that you had been out in vile weather , and that you had a particularly malignant boot - slitting specimen of the London slavey . As to your practice , if a gentleman walks into my rooms smelling of iodoform , with a black mark of nitrate of silver upon his right forefinger , and a bulge on the side of his top hat to show where he has secreted his stethoscope , I must be dull indeed if I do not pronounce him to be an active member of the medical profession . ' I could not help laughing at the ease with which he explained his process of deduction . ' When I hear you give your reasons , ' I remarked , ' the thing always appears to me to be so ridiculously simple that I could easily do it myself , though at each successive instance of your reasoning I am baffled , until you explain your process . And yet I believe that my eyes are as good as yours . ' ' Quite so , ' he answered , lighting a cigarette , and throwing himself down into an arm - chair . ' You see , but you do not observe . The distinction is clear . For example , you have frequently seen the steps which lead up from the hall to this room . ' ' Quite so ! You have not observed . And yet you have seen . That is just nay point . Now , I know that there are seventeen steps , because I have both seen and observed . By the way , since you are interested in these little problems , and since you are good enough to chronicle one or two of my trifling experiences , you may be interested in this . ' He threw over a sheet of thick pink - tinted note - paper which had been lying open upon the table . ' It came by the last post , ' said he . ' Read it aloud . ' ' There will call upon you to - night , at a quarter to eight o ' clock , ' it said , ' a gentleman who desires to consult you upon a matter of the very deepest moment . Your recent services to one of the Royal Houses of Europe have shown that you are one who may safely be trusted with matters which are of an importance which can hardly be exaggerated . This account of you we have from all quarters received . Be in your chamber then at that hour , and do not take it amiss if your visitor wear a mask . ' ' I have no data yet . It is a capital mistake to theorise before one has data . Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories , instead of theories to suit facts . But the note itself . What do you deduce from it ? ' ' The man who wrote it was presumably well - to - do . ' I remarked , endeavouring to imitate my companion 's processes . ' Such paper could not be bought under half a crown a packet . It is peculiarly strong and stiff . ' ' Not at all . The G with the small t stands for " Gesellschaft , " which is the German for " Company . " It is a customary contraction like our " Co . " P , of course , stands for " Papier . " Now for the Eg . Let us glance at our Continental Gazetteer . ' He took down a heavy brown volume from his shelves . ' Eglow , Eglonitz - here we are , Egria . It is in a German - speaking country - in Bohemia , not far from Carlsbad . " Remarkable as being the scene of the death of Wallenstein , and for its numerous glass factories and paper mills . " Ha , ha , my boy , what do you make of that ? ' His eyes sparkled , and he sent up a great blue triumphant cloud from his cigarette . ' Precisely . And the man who wrote the note is a German . Do you note the peculiar construction of the sentence - " This account of you we have from all quarters received . " A Frenchman or Russian could not have written that . It is the German who is so uncourteous to his verbs . It only remains , therefore , to discover what is wanted by this German who writes upon Bohemian paper , and prefers wearing a mask to showing his face . And here he comes , if I am not mistaken , to resolve all our doubts . ' ' A pair by the sound , ' said he . ' Yes , ' he continued , glancing out of the window . ' A nice little brougham and a pair of beauties . A hundred and fifty guineas apiece . There 's money in this case , Watson , if there is nothing else . ' ' Not a bit , Doctor . Stay where you are . I am lost without my Boswell . And this promises to be interesting . It would be a pity to miss it . ' ' Never mind him . I may want your help , and so may he . Here he comes . Sit down in that arm - chair , Doctor , and give us your best attention . ' A man entered who could hardly have been less than six feet six inches in height , with the chest and limbs of a Hercules . His dress was rich with a richness which would , in England , be looked upon as akin to bad taste . Heavy bands of astrakhan were slashed across the sleeves and fronts of his double - breasted coat , while the deep blue cloak which was thrown over his shoulders was lined with flame - coloured silk , and secured at the neck with a brooch which consisted of a single flaming beryl . Boots which extended half - way up his calves , and which were trimmed at the tops with rich brown fur , completed the impression of barbaric opulence which was suggested by his whole appearance . He carried a broad - brimmed hat in his hand , while he wore across the upper part of his face , extending down past the cheek - bones , a black vizard mask , which he had apparently adjusted that very moment , for his hand was still raised to as he entered . From the lower part of the face he appeared to be a man of strong character , with a thick , hanging lip , and a long straight chin , suggestive of resolution pushed to the length of obstinacy . ' You had my note ? ' he asked , with a deep , harsh voice and a strongly marked German accent . ' I told you that I would call . ' He looked from one to the other of us , as if uncertain which to address . ' Pray take a seat , ' said Holmes . ' This is my friend and colleague , Dr . Watson , who is occasionally good enough to help me in my cases . Whom have I the honour to address ? ' ' You may address me as the Count von Kramm , a Bohemian nobleman . I understand that this gentleman , your friend , is a man of honour and discretion , whom I may trust with a matter of the most extreme importance . If not , I should much prefer to communicate with you alone . ' I rose to go , but Holmes caught me by the wrist and pushed me back into my chair . ' It is both , or none , ' said he . ' You may say before this gentleman anything which you may say to me . ' The Count shrugged his broad shoulders . ' Then I must begin , ' said he , ' by binding you both to absolute secrecy for two years , at the end of that time the matter will be of no importance . At present it is not too much to say that it is of such weight that it may have an influence upon European history . ' The man sprang from his chair , and paced up and down the room in uncontrollable agitation . Then , with a gesture of desperation , he tore the mask from his face and hurled it upon the ground . ' You are right , ' he cried , ' I am the King . Why should I attempt to conceal it ? ' ' Why , indeed ? ' murmured Holmes . ' Your Majesty had not spoken before I was aware that I was addressing Wilhelm Gottsreich Sigismond von Ormstein , Grand Duke of Cassel - Falstein , and hereditary King of Bohemia . ' ' But you can understand , ' said our strange visitor , sitting down once more and passing his hand over his high , white forehead , ' you can understand that I am not accustomed to doing such business in my own person . Yet the matter was so delicate that I could not confide it to an agent without putting myself in his power . I have come incognito from Prague for the purpose of consulting you . ' ' Kindly look her up in my index , Doctor , ' murmured Holmes , without opening his eyes . For many years he had adopted a system of docketing all paragraphs concerning men and things , so that it was difficult to name a subject or a person on which he could not at once furnish information . In this case I found her biography sandwiched in between that of a Hebrew Rabbi and that of a staff - commander who had written a monograph upon the deep - sea fishes . ' Let me see , ' said Holmes . ' Hum ! Born in New Jersey in the year 1858 . Contralto - hum ! La Scala , hum ! Prima donna Imperial Opera of Warsaw - Yes ! Retired from operatic stage - ha ! Living in London - quite so ! Your Majesty , as I understand , became entangled with this young person , wrote her some compromising letters , and is now desirous of getting those letters back . ' ' Five attempts have been made . Twice burglars in my pay ransacked her house . Once we diverted her luggage when she travelled . Twice she has been waylaid . There has been no result . ' ' To Clotilde Lothman von Saxe - Meningen , second daughter of the King of Scandinavia . You may know the strict principles of her family . She is herself the very soul of delicacy . A shadow of a doubt as to my conduct would bring the matter to an end . ' ' Threatens to send them the photograph . And she will do it . I know that she will do it . You do not know her , but she has a soul of steel . She has the face of the most beautiful of women , and the mind of the most resolute of men . Rather than I should marry another woman , there are no lengths to which she would not go - none . ' ' Oh , then , we have three days yet , ' said Holmes , with a yawn . ' That is very fortunate , as I have one or two matters of importance to look into just at present . Your Majesty will , of course , stay in London for the present ? ' ' Then , good night , Your Majesty , and I trust that we shall soon have some good news for you . And good night , Watson , ' he added , as the wheels of the Royal brougham rolled down the street . ' If you will be good enough to call to - morrow afternoon , at three o ' clock , I should like to chat this little matter over with you . ' At three o ' clock precisely I was at Baker Street , but Holmes had not yet returned . The landlady informed me that he had left the house shortly after eight o ' clock in the morning . I sat down beside the fire , however , with the intention of awaiting him , however long he might be . I was already deeply interested in his inquiry , for , though it was surrounded by none of the grim and strange features which were associated with the two crimes which I have elsewhere recorded , still , the nature of the case and the exalted station of his client gave it a character of its own . Indeed , apart from the nature of the investigation which my friend had on hand , there was something in his masterly grasp of a situation , and his keen , incisive reasoning , which made it a pleasure to me to study his system of work , and to follow the quick , subtle methods by which he disentangled the most inextricable mysteries . So accustomed was I to his invariable success that the very possibility of his failing had ceased to enter into my head . It was close upon four before the door opened , and a drunken - looking groom , ill - kempt and side - whiskered , with an inflamed face and disreputable clothes , walked into the room . Accustomed as I was to my friend 's amazing powers in the use of disguises , I had to look three times before I was certain that it was indeed he . With a nod he vanished into the bedroom , whence he emerged in five minutes tweed - suited and respectable , as of old . Putting his hands into his pockets , he stretched out his legs in front of the fire , and laughed heartily for some minutes . ' Quite so , but the sequel was rather unusual . I will tell you , however . I left the house a little after eight o ' clock this morning , in the character of a groom out of work . There is a wonderful sympathy and freemasonry among horsey men . Be one of them , and you will know all that there is to know . I soon found Briony Lodge . It is a bijou villa , with a garden at the back , but built out in front right up to the road , two stories . Chubb lock to the door . Large sitting - room on the right side , well furnished , with long windows almost to the floor , and those preposterous English window fasteners which a child could open . Behind there was nothing remarkable , save that the passage window could be reached from the top of the coach - house . I walked round it and examined it closely from every point of view , but without noting anything else of interest . ' Oh , she has turned all the men 's heads down in that part . She is the daintiest thing under a bonnet on this planet . So say the Serpentine Mews , to a man . She lives quietly , sings at concerts , drives out at five every day , and returns at seven sharp for dinner . Seldom goes out at other times , except when she sings . Has only one male visitor , but a good deal of him . He is dark , handsome , and dashing ; never calls less than once a day , and often twice . He is a Mr . Godfrey Norton , of the Inner Temple . See the advantages of a cabman as a confidant . They had driven him home a dozen times from Serpentine Mews , and knew all about him . When I had listened to all that they had to tell , I began to walk up and down near Briony Lodge once more , and to think over my plan of campaign . ' This Godfrey Norton was evidently an important factor in the matter . He was a lawyer . That sounded ominous . What was the relation between them , and what the object of his repeated visits ? Was she his client , his friend , or his mistress ? If the former , she had probably transferred the photograph to his keeping . If the latter , it was less likely . On the issue of this question depended whether I should continue my work at Briony Lodge , or turn my attention to the gentleman 's chambers in the Temple . It was a delicate point , and it widened the field of my inquiry . I fear that I bore you with these details , but I have to let you see my little difficulties , if you are to understand the situation . ' ' I was still balancing the matter in my mind when a hansom cab drove up to Briony Lodge , and a gentleman sprang out . He was a remarkably handsome man , dark , aquiline , and moustached - evidently the man of whom I had heard . He appeared to be in a great hurry , shouted to the cabman to wait , and brushed past the maid who opened the door with the air of a man who was thoroughly at home . ' He was in the house about half an hour , and I could catch glimpses of him , in the windows of the sitting - room , pacing up and down , talking excitedly and waving his arms . Of her I could see nothing . Presently he emerged , looking even more flurried than before . As he stepped up to the cab , he pulled a gold watch from his pocket and looked at it earnestly . ' Drive like the devil , " he shouted , " first to Gross and Hankey 's in Regent Street , and then to the church of St . Monica in the Edgware Road . Half a guinea if you do it in twenty minutes ! ' ' Away they went , and I was just wondering whether I should not do well to follow them , when up the lane came a neat little landau , the coachman with his coat only half buttoned , and his tie under his ear , while all the tags of his harness were sticking out of the buckles . It hadn 't pulled up before she shot out of the hall door and into it . I only caught a glimpse of her at the moment , but she was a lovely woman , with a face that a man might die for . ' This was quite too good to lose , Watson . I was just balancing whether I should run for it , or whether I should perch behind her landau , when a cab came through the street . The driver looked twice at such a shabby fare ; but I jumped in before he could object . " The Church of St . Monica , " said I , " and half a sovereign if you reach it in twenty minutes . " It was twenty - five minutes to twelve , and of course it was clear enough what was in the wind . ' My cabby drove fast . I don 't think I ever drove faster , but the others were there before us . The cab and the landau with their steaming horses were in front of the door when I arrived . I paid the man and hurried into the church . There was not a soul there save the two whom I had followed , and a surpliced clergyman , who seemed to be expostulating with them . They were all three standing in a knot in front of the altar . I lounged up the side aisle like any other idler who has dropped into a church . Suddenly , to my surprise , the three at the altar faced round to me , and Godfrey Norton came running as hard as he could towards me . ' I was half dragged up to the altar , and before I knew where I was , I found myself mumbling responses which were whispered in my ear , and vouching for things of which I knew nothing , and generally assisting in the secure tying up of Irene Adler , spinster , to Godfrey Norton , bachelor . It was all done in an instant , and there was the gentleman thanking me on the one side and the lady on the other , while the clergyman beamed on me in front . It was the most preposterous position in which I ever found myself in my life , and it was the thought of it that started me laughing just now . It seems that there had been some informality about their licence , that the clergyman absolutely refused to marry them without a witness of some sort , and that my lucky appearance saved the bridegroom from having to sally out into the streets in search of a best man . The bride gave me a sovereign , and I mean to wear it on my watch - chain in memory of the occasion . ' ' Well , I found my plans very seriously menaced . It looked as if the pair might take an immediate departure , and so necessitate very prompt and energetic measures on my part . At the church door , however , they separated , he driving back to the Temple , and she to her own house . " I shall drive out in the Park at five as usual , " she said as she left him . I heard no more . They drove away in different directions , and I went off to make my own arrangements . ' ' Some cold beef and a glass of beer , ' he answered , ringing the bell . ' I have been too busy to think of food , and I am likely to be busier still this evening . By the way , Doctor , I shall want your co - operation . ' ' When Mrs . Turner has brought in the tray I will make it clear to you . Now , ' he said , as he turned hungrily on the simple fare that our landlady had provided , ' I must discuss it while I eat , for I have not much time . It is nearly five now . In two hours we must be on the scene of action . Miss Irene , or Madame , rather , returns from her drive at seven . We must be at Briony Lodge to meet her . ' ' You must leave that to me . I have already arranged what is to occur . There is only one point on which I must insist . You must not interfere , come what may . You understand ? ' ' To do nothing whatever . There will probably be some small unpleasantness . Do not join in it . It will end in my being conveyed into the house . Four or five minutes afterwards the sitting - room window will open . You are to station yourself close to that open window . ' ' It is nothing very formidable , ' he said , taking a long cigar - shaped roll from his pocket . ' It is an ordinary plumber 's smoke rocket , fitted with a cap at either end to make it self - lighting . Your task is confined to that . When you raise your cry of fire , it will be taken up by quite a number of people . You may then walk to the end of the street , and I will rejoin you in ten minutes . I hope that I have made myself clear ? ' He disappeared into his bedroom , and returned in a few minutes in the character of an amiable and simple - minded Nonconformist clergyman . His broad black hat , his baggy trousers , his white tie , his sympathetic smile , and general look of peering and benevolent curiosity , were such as Mr . John Hare alone could have equalled . It was not merely that Holmes changed his costume . His expression , his manner , his very soul seemed to vary with every fresh part that he assumed . The stage lost a fine actor , even as science lost an acute reasoner , when he became a specialist in crime . It was a quarter past six when we left Baker Street , and it still wanted ten minutes to the hour when we found ourselves in Serpentine Avenue . It was already dusk , and the lamps were just being lighted as we paced up and down in front of Briony Lodge , waiting for the coming of its occupant . The house was just such as I had pictured it from Sherlock Holmes 's succinct description , but the locality appeared to be less private than I expected . On the contrary , for a small street in a quiet neighbourhood , it was remarkably animated . There was a group of shabbily - dressed men smoking and laughing in a corner , a scissors - grinder with his wheel , two guardsmen who were flirting with a nurse - girl , and several well - dressed young men who were lounging up and down with cigars in their mouths . ' You see , ' remarked Holmes , as we paced to and fro in front of the house , ' this marriage rather simplifies matters . The photograph becomes a double - edged weapon now . The chances are that she would be as averse to its being seen by Mr . Godfrey Norton , as our client is to its coming to the eyes of his Princess . Now the question is - Where are we to find the photograph ? ' ' It is most unlikely that she carries it about with her . It is cabinet size . Too large for easy concealment about a woman 's dress . She knows that the King is capable of having her waylaid and searched . Two attempts of the sort have already been made . We may take it then that she does not carry it about with her . ' ' Her banker or her lawyer . There is that double possibility . But I am inclined to think neither . Women are naturally secretive , and they like to do their own secreting . Why should she hand it over to anyone else ? She could trust her own guardianship , but she could not tell what indirect or political influence might be brought to bear upon a business man . Besides , remember that she had resolved to use it within a few days . It must be where she can lay her hands upon it . It must be in her own house . ' As he spoke , the gleam of the sidelights of a carriage came round the curve of the avenue . It was a smart little landau which rattled up to the door of Briony Lodge . As it pulled up , one of the loafing men at the corner dashed forward to open the door in the hope of earning a copper , but was elbowed away by another loafer who had rushed up with the same intention . A fierce quarrel broke out , which was increased by the two guardsmen , who took sides with one of the loungers , and by the scissors - grinder , who was equally hot upon the other side . A blow was struck , and in an instant the lady , who had stepped from her carriage , was the centre of a little knot of flushed and struggling men who struck savagely at each other with their lists and sticks . Holmes dashed into the crowd to protect the lady ; but just as he reached her , he gave a cry and dropped to the ground , with the blood running freely down his face . At his fall the guardsmen took to their heels in one direction and the loungers in the other , while a number of better dressed people who had watched the scuffle without taking part in it , crowded in to help the lady and to attend to the injured man . Irene Adler , as I will still call her , had hurried up the steps ; but she stood at the top with her superb figure outlined against the lights of the hall , looking back into the street . ' He 's a brave fellow , ' said a woman . ' They would have had the lady 's purse and watch if it hadn 't been for him . They were a gang , and a rough one , too . Ah , he 's breathing now . ' Slowly and solemnly he was borne into Briony Lodge , and laid out in the principal room , while I still observed the proceedings from my post by the window . The lamps had been lit , but the blinds had not been drawn , so that I could see Holmes as he lay upon the couch . I do not know whether he was seized with compunction at that moment for the part he was playing , but I know that I never felt more heartily ashamed of myself in my life than when I saw the beautiful creature against whom I was conspiring , or the grace and kindliness with which she waited upon the injured man . And yet it would be the blackest treachery to Holmes to draw back now from the part which he had entrusted to me . I hardened my heart and took the smoke rocket from under my ulster . After all , I thought , we are not injuring her . We are but preventing her from injuring another . Holmes had sat up upon the couch , and I saw him motion like a man who is in want of air . A maid rushed across and threw open the window . At the same instant I saw him raise his hand , and at the signal I tossed my rocket into the room with a cry of ' Fire . ' The word was no sooner out of my mouth than the whole crowd of spectators , well dressed and ill - gentlemen , ostlers , and servant maids - joined in a general shriek of ' Fire . ' Thick clouds of smoke curled through the room , and out at the open window . I caught a glimpse of rushing figures , and a moment later the voice of Holmes from within , assuring them that it was a false alarm . Slipping through the shouting crowd I made my way to the corner of the street , and in ten minutes was rejoiced to find my friend 's arm in mine , and to get away from the scene of the uproar . He walked swiftly and in silence for some few minutes , until we had turned down one of the quiet streets which lead towards the Edgware Road . ' I do not wish to make a mystery , ' said he , laughing . ' The matter was perfectly simple . You , of course , saw that every one in the street was an accomplice . They were all engaged for the evening . ' ' Then , when the row broke out , I had a little moist red paint in the palm of my hand . I rushed forward , fell down , clapped my hand to my face , and became a piteous spectacle . It is an old trick . ' ' Then they carried me in . She was bound to have me in . What else could she do ? And into her sitting - room , which was the very room which I suspected . It lay between that and her bedroom , and I was determined to see which . They laid me on a couch , I motioned for air , they were compelled to open the window and you had your chance . ' ' It was all - important . When a woman thinks that her house is on fire , her instinct is at once to rush to the thing which she values most . It is a perfectly overpowering impulse , and I have more than once taken advantage of it . In the case of the Darlington Substitution Scandal it was of use to me , and also in the Arnsworth Castle business . A married woman grabs at her baby - an unmarried one reaches for her jewel box . Now it was clear to me that our lady of to - day had nothing in the house more precious to her than what we are in quest of . She would rush to secure it . The alarm of fire was admirably done . The smoke and shouting was enough to shake nerves of steel . She responded beautifully . The photograph is in a recess behind a sliding panel just above the right bell - pull . She was there in an instant , and I caught a glimpse of it as she half drew it out . When I cried out that it was a false alarm , she replaced it , glanced at the rocket , rushed from the room , and I have not seen her since . I rose , and , making my excuses , escaped from the house . I hesitated whether to attempt to secure the photograph at once ; but the coachman had come in , and as he was watching me narrowly , it seemed safer to wait . A little over - precipitance may ruin all . ' ' Our quest is practically finished . I shall call with the King to - morrow , and with you , if you care to come with us . We will be shown into the sitting - room to wait for the lady , but it is probable that when she comes she may find neither us nor the photograph . It might be a satisfaction to His Majesty to regain it with his own hands . ' ' At eight in the morning . She will not be up , so that we shall have a clear field . Besides , we must be prompt , for this marriage may mean a complete change in her life and habits . I must wire to the King without delay . ' ' Because it would spare Your Majesty all fear of future annoyance . If the lady loves her husband , she does not love Your Majesty . If she does not love Your Majesty there is no reason why she should interfere with Your Majesty 's plan . ' ' It is true . And yet ! Well ! I wish she had been of my own station ! What a queen she would have made ! ' He relapsed into a moody silence which was not broken until we drew up in Serpentine Avenue . ' Indeed ! My mistress told me that you were likely to call . She left this morning with her husband , by the 5 . 15 train from Charing Cross , for the Continent . ' ' We shall see . ' He pushed past the servant , and rushed into the drawing - room , followed by the King and myself . The furniture was scattered about in every direction , with dismantled shelves , and open drawers , as if the lady had hurriedly ransacked them before her flight . Holmes rushed at the bell - pull , tore back a small sliding shutter , and , plunging in his hand , pulled out a photograph and a letter . The photograph was of Irene Adler herself in evening dress , the letter was superscribed to ' Sherlock Holmes , Esq . To be left till called for . ' My friend tore it open and we all three read it together . It was dated at midnight of the preceding night , and ran in this way : MY DEAR MR . SHERLOCK HOLMES , - You really did it very well . You took me in completely . Until after the alarm of fire , I had not a suspicion . But then , when I found how I had betrayed myself , I began to think . I had been warned against you months ago . I had been told that if the King employed an agent , it would certainly be you . And your address had been given me . Yet , with all this , you made me reveal what you wanted to know . Even after I became suspicious , I found it hard to think evil of such a dear , kind old clergyman . But , you know , I have been trained as an actress myself . Male costume is nothing new to me . I often take advantage of the freedom which it gives . I sent John , the coachman , to watch you , ran upstairs , got into my walking clothes , as I call them , and came down just as you departed . We both thought the best resource was flight when pursued by so formidable an antagonist ; so you will find the nest empty when you call to - morrow . As to the photograph , your client may rest in peace . I love and am loved by a better man than he . The King may do what he will without hindrance from one whom he has cruelly wronged . I keep it only to safeguard myself , and to preserve a weapon which will always secure me from any steps which he might take in the future . I leave a photograph which he might care to possess ; and I remain , dear Mr . Sherlock Holmes , very truly yours , ' What a woman - oh , what a woman ! ' cried the King of Bohemia , when we had all three read this epistle . ' Did I not tell you how quick and resolute she was ? Would she not have made an admirable queen ? Is it not a pity she was not on my level ? ' ' On the contrary , my dear sir , ' cried the King . ' Nothing could be more successful . I know that her word is inviolate . The photograph is now as safe as if it were in the fire . ' ' I am immensely indebted to you . Pray tell me in what way I can reward you . This ring - ' He slipped an emerald snake ring from his finger and held it out upon the palm of his hand . ' I thank Your Majesty . Then there is no more to be done in the matter . I have the honour to wish you a very good morning . ' He bowed , and , turning away without observing the hand which the King had stretched out to him , he set off in my company for his chambers . And that was how a great scandal threatened to affect the kingdom of Bohemia , and how the best plans of Mr . Sherlock Holmes were beaten by a woman 's wit . He used to make merry over the cleverness of women , but I have not heard him do it of late . And when he speaks of Irene Adler , or when he refers to her photograph , it is always under the honourable title of the woman .
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I have the world 's greatest job for a late - in - life - career - change - psychiatric - nurse . That said , the past several ( nine ) months have been fraught with challenges : I was nudged into a " charge nurse " position when my hero charge nurse took time to help with the Ebola crisis in Liberia , worked with float nurses ( they don 't , nor should they , know " psych " well ) and travel nurses ( they don 't , nor could they , know the policies and procedures in my hospital because they come from other states ) in his absence , and took the charge position permanently when , shortly after his return , he was offered a position with a World Health Organization partner and left for the third world . I trust that he will make a monumental difference in the lives of those he serves there , because he made a monumental difference in mine . I 'm not a stranger to being in charge . Having been an executive in my past life I know a little bit about responsibility , accountability , workplace politics and smiling through corporate disasters . Even so , being in charge of protecting the very lives of people who are at horrifically vulnerable points of crisis in their lives is different than overseeing and guiding a group of talented and creative salespeople . This whole " life and death " element is sobering , stressful , and sometimes downright terrifying . Apparently I was " ready " for the challenge as I haven 't made any unforgivable mistakes , but I realize now that I 've been operating on DEFCOM Level 5 ( scale : 1 - 5 ) stress for months . I have learned , after many years of facing life 's curve balls and countless drama queen boomerangs I 've thrown at myself that I usually decompress ( or decompensate ) a couple of weeks after the adrenaline stops coursing through my veins . I was just about to begin researching how to live on minimum wage or raise alpacas or start a vineyard when the Universe delivered me two signs that help was on the way . The first sign is the travel nurse with whom I began working about a month ago . The night I met her , I looked into her eyes and saw humor , humility , intelligence , and a particularly attractive form of openness . We have shared so much since then I 'm amazed that she could have grown up the way she did and become the competent , funny , loving , adventurous , responsible , excellent nurse that she is , but I am extremely grateful that she has . She is a godsend and I believe that we will be lifetime friends . Her irreverence and honesty match my own . Working with her is a burst of joy . My professional life is , once again , deeply satisfying . Thank you , Alexis . My personal life has improved exponentially through the second sign . Just over two weeks ago the men in my household finished construction on a first class chicken coop and I took the poultry plunge . My girls . I can sit for hours watching them chase each other , take dust baths , leap into the air for no apparent reason , scratch , peck and peep . I watch them make their way into their coop at night and marvel at their intelligence , despite the fact that my husband insists that " they have brains the size of pencil erasers " . I don 't care that they 're dirty girls who poop indiscriminately and don 't want me to pick them up to cuddle them . I don 't care that they 're still too young to give me eggs . They are like a soothing , utterly absorbing film and I can sit in a plastic chair just outside their run and feel more relaxed than I ever remember feeling because they are natural , funny , and fascinating . Every day I notice something new about them . Yesterday , I heard one of them utter a muffled cluck as opposed to a childlike peep . Today , after I cleaned their cage and sat while they ate mealworms out of my hand , they followed me to the gate that leads into the coop . Although I felt a swell of maternal instinct at the time and was sure that they are growing to love me , I suspect that them following me has more to do with the mealworms than emotion , but it was delightful just the same . Eight days ago my six chickens came to live with us . They have all been named - in spite of dire warnings from people who eat their chickens after they stop laying eggs . " Don 't name them or you won 't be able to eat them " , they said . I named three of them that first day . Within a week , they all had monikers based on appearance , personality , or personal request from friends . None of them will be eaten . I 'll have to open a chicken hospice at some point , because nobody is going to eat my chickens . Mamba is the dominant . She calls the shots . She is the smallest of the bunch , has one toe that is crooked , is black with some lovely dark brick colored markings , and can control the others with a couple of rapid pecks to a head or neck . Shiela is the least dominant . She is solid blonde , very pretty , and named after my boss . I 'm not sure how my boss would feel knowing I have named a chicken after her and can only hope that she doesn 't spend time reading blogs or facebook and find out that way . I might have some explaining to do . One of my two pretty Americauna breed chickens is named Marge , after my mother . Marge screamed bloody murder the first time I picked her up . This chicken has a set of lungs on her . My mother could astonish her two daughters with the decibel levels of her admonishments , so it seemed only right that she be remembered , and honored , this way . One of my Rhode Island Reds is named Rhoda . The other Red is named Mary Jane at the request of a friend at work ( whose name is Mary Jane ) . The second Americauna is named Winnie after Winnie the Pooh . My sister chose that name . I love my chickens . After two nights of being carried to their coop ( after much chasing , peeping , pooping , squawking and wing flapping ) and three nights of being restricted to their condo , they now know where they are supposed to sleep . They do not file sedately up the ramp to the door of the coop . They wander in and out , pecking at each other and pushing each other out until they finally settle down . The peeping and jostling for position ceases after 15 minutes or so and then I unplug the overhead light in the coop so my girls can get some sleep . They need their beauty rest for days spent pecking , scratching , grooming , digging , leaping straight up into the air , chasing each other and pooping everywhere . They 're delightfully entertaining . For as long as I can remember I have wanted to raise chickens . It wasn 't practical ( or possible ) when I lived in southern California ( 36 years ) . Either I lived at the beach - no chickens allowed - or in the mountains in houses perched on the sides of steep drop - offs . No room , or time , for chickens . I lived in Alaska for five years after leaving California . Nursing school and sub zero temps prohibited me from interacting with any chickens other than those I found in the meat section at the local grocery store . Now I live on my sister and brother - in - law 's property in the greater Seattle area . My husband and I parked our 34 foot motor home behind their house over a year ago and we haven 't moved it since . Linda , my sister , and Art , her husband , have a house on a nice sized chunk of land . They have created a large garden where once was grass and this summer I have taken care of the fruits and vegetables growing here . Several weeks ago , we began to " talk chickens " . The people next door and those who live across the street have chickens . I say God bless the zoning laws in this area . Art and my great - nephew Kyle tore down an old play area in the yard and began the arduous task of constructing a coop . They used the wood that had been a sort of playhouse to build the coop . Art can build ANYTHING , eyeballing the space and imagining the finished project . They worked tirelessly on 90 degree days , hammering and sawing and , occasionally , swearing . On the final few days of construction my husband stepped in and helped . Two days ago I knew that what has grown to be " a deluxe chicken townhouse " would be ready for occupancy today . I drove home from work this morning and realized that I was very , very nervous . A dear friend and I had made a date to drive to " the chicken store " , and she and I left at 10am . When we returned home at noon , we had 50 pounds of special feed , a bag of " grit " that chickens need to digest their food , a large plastic contraption to hold water for chickens , a bag of probiotics to add to the water , a large bale of chicken bedding , a block of something that actually smells good and is a concoction that serves as " chicken treats " , and a special feeding container . We also had six three - month - old chickens tucked into a large cat carrier . I had planned to purchase breeds of chickens that are good egg - layers . I was going to buy two of each of two breeds . I ended up buying those four and two that were too pretty to pass up . My chickens spent the day getting used to their surroundings and digging up items including a very , very old empty pack of cigarettes . They pecked and chatted with each other and dug and rolled in dirt and ate and drank with great vigor . Then it came time for me to introduce my girls to their coop - an insulated ( thank you , Art ) haven at the top of a long steep ramp . My chickens were not amused . They were perfectly happy digging for cigarette packages . There was considerable chasing and dodging involved , but I managed to get all six chickens into the coop where they paced and pecked at the walls , wide - eyed and skittish . I stood at the coop opening and talked to them in a low voice until they settled down and then I began to pet them . One of my Rhode Island Reds actually fell asleep with her head on my hand as I gently stroked the feathers on her back . It 's dark now , but I 'm fairly certain they 're all asleep now , perhaps dreaming of the eggs they will lay in that coop . In 14 days , give or take a day , my husband and I will push our four apprehensive cats through the slim door of our motor home and drive away from Anchorage , Alaska . Early on our second day of travel we will cross the border into Canada and travel east and south until we reach Brier , Washington . My sister and her husband live there , as will we until we find a home of our own nearby . We have lived in Alaska for almost five years . It was my dream to live here , and my easygoing husband followed my heart . I lived in a tiny , spectacularly picturesque town for nine months , another quiet , pleasant rural community with triple the population of the first for two years , and the metropolis of Anchorage for most of the last two years and three months . Much has changed for me , so much . I have become a Registered Nurse here , while my husband has built a career in retail . I have fully grieved my mother 's death here . I have lived my dream . I am among the lucky who somehow manage to have their grand adventure , their " someday " , and I am very grateful for that . My bucket list was carefully constructed before we arrived five years ago . On it were a number of items , all of which have been satisfied . I have touched a moose . I have watched the aurora borealis dance across the sky . I have stood a mere 30 feet from the face of a glacier . I have seen the bore tide in Turnagain Arm come in as an impressive wave . I have eaten a salmon fresh from the Kenai River . I have seen Denali , the highest peak in North America . I have seen a bear or two . I have experienced the summer solstice when it really doesn 't get dark at all for 24 hours . I was here for a record breaking winter - snowfall of nearly 11 feet . I would have been satisfied if the items on that bucket list had been checked off , one by one , during my stay in Alaska . I was able to be of help to a dear friend who broke her leg shortly after we arrived here . She needed help , and my husband and I were able to fill that need . In turn , she created the most beautiful quilt I have ever seen for us . She and I picked out the material and the pattern together and every time I look at it I am happy . I run my fingertips over its perfect stitching , feeling the texture and contours of different fabrics and I feel like a millionaire . I met my cousin here for the first time in my memory . She remembers us meeting as small children , but I do not . I didn 't realize that she lived in Alaska until my sister coordinated a meeting between us early in our stay here . That first meeting was like coming home for me . I knew her face in my soul . She and her husband showed us extraordinary hospitality and I fell in love with her . We have laughed so hard , shared so much , and bemoaned our mutual neurotic natures for hours on end . We have taken care of the other 's pets , spent holidays together , been through health scares , retirement ( hers ) , academic achievements ( mine ) , and she has shown me a brand of unconditional love that took me completely by surprise . No matter how far from each other we live in the future , we will remain connected by a special bond . I cannot assign a name to it , nor can I describe how deep it goes . It is just what I have with my Georgia . I forged some friendships here that have been shockingly deep , most of them with classmates from nursing school or somehow associated with my activities in college , and some with people whom I have worked for the past ten months in my job as an RN at the Alaska State Psychiatric Hospital . My emotionally wounded veteran soul sister . My bright and shiny surrogate daughter and roommate . My hilarious , generous and irreverent fellow nurse and part time flight attendant . My shy and honorable biking and coffee partner . My rambunctious , wild , procrastinating friend who made it through our rigorous course of study always waiting until the last minute but getting it done nonetheless . I won 't write about them all , but so many have left a mark on my memory . The nurses at my place of employment who either frightened me or inspired me into becoming a competent novice psychiatric nurse . Alaska has given me a lifetime of wonder , love , awe , and experience in five short years . I have loved being a resident of this wild and scenic land , and know that when we drive away I will feel certain that I was given the chance to squeeze every bit of life out of my time here . I also know that I will be moving toward new , deep , exciting , challenging adventures near my family in Washington and I am so excited about that . I think I grew up in Alaska , I think I became my authentic self here . And when we climb into that motor home in two weeks , the person I have become here is the one I 'm taking with me . We escaped the cold , dark Alaska winter for a few days and are visiting my sister and her husband in their snowbird haven in Tucson . They live just north of Seattle and fled the wet and darkness there for three months . They rent a " park model " in a development that caters to very active people over the age of 55 , and my sister loves it . My brother in law is not fully committed to three months away from home every winter , but my sister is working on him and I suspect that he will succumb . I 've probably been to Tucson before , but it was years ago during my misspent youth and I remember nothing about it . I don 't like hot weather , so it would never have been on my list of places to visit . It sits practically on the Mexican border and is most definitely , most decidedly desert . Having lived in California for many years and despising the heat there , nobody could ever have talked me into visiting a city further south and nowhere near an ocean . Yesterday I rented a road bike from a local shop . I love biking and haven 't been able to take a good long ride in several months due to snow , ice , and darkness . Today I went for a ride . I found a lovely stretch of bike trail and rode blissfully in the sun for miles . Too many miles . By the time I returned to the resort , everything hurt . Sore palms ( I forgot to bring my riding gloves ) , sore legs , and a back that hasn 't spent time curved over handlebars in months . But , that is just the beginning . Bicycle seats are not friendly things - not road bike bicycle seats anyway . I 've found that the best way for me to make friends with a seat is to ride a couple of miles per day for a week , then slowly add miles . My parts seem to get used to the seat when they are introduced to it slowly . By the time I dismounted from the bicycle this afternoon , I knew I was in trouble . I had very unhappy parts . They were downright infuriated that I had taken such a long ride . By the time my sister , her husband , my husband and I had dined at my very favorite restaurant , it was painfully clear to me that re - inflating a sagging air mattress would be the least of my problems tonight . We stopped at a pharmacy so that I might find something to quiet my screaming parts , and I encountered a very professional , compassionate male pharmacist who looked like he was 14 . I am not a shy person by any means , but I found it difficult to explain my problem . He listened to me with a puzzled look on his face , and suddenly he " got it " . He saved my life by suggesting a spray analgesic that his wife used after giving birth and a big jar of diaper rash cream . Since you died I 've considered myself successful during the holiday season if I can avoid hearing " Little Drummer Boy " . For some reason I can tolerate every other carol but that one . I burst into tears when I hear it because it reminds me of you . I 've been a nurse for six months now . Remember when I first told you I wanted to be a nurse ? I was working in the dietary department at South Coast Hospital when , one day , I knew I was supposed to be a nurse . I started taking classes then , and I remember you were very supportive . But then I divorced my first husband and started using drugs and selling real estate and education just didn 't seem as important . I thought about it again during that long stretch when Daddy was in ICU at that same hospital , but by that time I was way too deeply involved with finding my second husband to be in college . Then Daddy died and I spent the next ten years or so wrapped up in some really dysfunctional grieving and being mad at you because you got involved with another man . Virgil , our roommate and her daughter and I decorated our tree very early this year . It was before Thanksgiving , in fact . The thing is , it 's so dark at this time of year in Alaska that the tree with a whole bunch of lights on it seems like a good idea after about November 1st . We leave the lights on all the time and I suspect we won 't pull that tree down and box it up again until February . Some of your ornaments are on it - all those Hawaiian angels you bought while we lived there , and a couple that you made . I smiled when I hung them on the tree . We don 't really celebrate Christmas with gifts . Not like we used to when we were all together . You always bought so many gifts for me , and I remember that even when I was 18 I was beyond excitement waking up on the morning of the 25th of December . You 'd cook a great dinner , the house always smelled wonderful , and there would be Christmas carols playing . Daddy could never do too much because of his COPD , but you would bustle around and drink your toddies and then we 'd sit down to " open " . One by one we 'd each open a gift , and ooh and aah over it , and you 'd keep a list of who we needed to thank for what . It would always be warm in the house , and the sun would be shining because we were , after all , in southern California . Some years we were really lucky and could see all the way to Table Mountain in Mexico from your deck . That was some view . I can close my eyes and see the curve of the coast and the sunlight sparkling on the ocean to this day . That view is forever etched in my memory . So anyway , I 'm writing to you this year to tell you that I forgive you . I 'm a couple of years older than you were when Daddy died , and now I realize that you deserved to have a man in your life once he was gone . I 've worked through a lot of anger about how you latched onto me when I was very young and treated me like your best friend , or your mother , instead of your child . I know about fear now , and I know you were afraid of being alone . I know you were afraid of all the uncertainty in life , and having enough money , but most of all you were terrified of being alone . I know it must have been very difficult for you to be a parent , because yours died so young and you had no models . You were , in essence , abandoned . Sometimes when I think about how difficult it was for me to please you , or get along with you , I still feel angry for a minute or so , but these days when I feel that hurt rising up in my heart I tell myself that you did the best that you could , because I believe that you did . I forgive you . Thank you for the nights you spent teaching me new words . Thank you for saving your money so that you could leave me enough so that I could leave California and go to nursing school . Thank you for teaching me how to be a good conversationalist , and a good hostess . Thank you for that day in the nursing home when I left your room and you called me back in just to tell me that you loved me . That was the first time you ever said it to me that I believed you . I think it was because I worked so hard those last six years you were alive - to make sure that you were safe and that your care was good - I finally believed that I was good enough and had made up for all the times I disappointed you . Wow , I 've gone on too long with this . I 'm just having lots of feelings and missing you terribly because now I can see through the fog of resentment and anger and look at the scared woman behind all that who made fabulous Christmases for her daughter . I heard the damn carol the other day , sung by a new group , and as I listened to their beautiful voices I smiled . I cried , too , because it was " that song " , but the way they sang it was so sweet and smooth and full of joy that I think it sort of healed me . I think you know that , too , because I could feel you there while I was listening . I could smell dinner cooking in your oven and saw the light shining on the sea and you were there with me and we were really smiling at each other . Especially when they sang , " I played my drum for him pa - rum - pum - pum - pum , I played my best for him pa - rum - pum - pum , rum - pa - pum - pum , rum - pa - pum - pum . . . then , he smiled at me pa - rum - pum - pum - pum , me and my drum . " I wonder where the term " getting your feet wet " originated ? Is that the first stage of " diving in " or does it lead to " swimming with sharks " ? As it relates to my first nursing job , I think it applies to both . I was hired " on call " . That wasn 't what I applied for , but it was what I got . I wasn 't happy about it , and I regret that everybody knows that . I do tend to be up front about my disappointments , and I really wanted a full time permanent position on one unit with regular hours , vacation pay , sick leave , blah blah blah . What I got instead was a comprehensive education on how things work on several units specializing in different populations in a psychiatric hospital . Not only are the clients different on these individual units ; the procedures are different . Equipment , paperwork and other items I use to do my job are kept in various places in the unit nursing offices - and no two units are the same . To make it even more interesting , two of the units are mirror images of each other , so everything is literally backwards . About three weeks ago I left work one morning ( I work nights ) and stood in the parking lot for a minute realizing that I almost , kind of , maybe a little tiny bit know what I 'm doing on the job . It was a shock - the thought hit me like lightning . Scared the hell out of me . I 'm in line for a permanent full time position and will probably interview for it this week . I 'm looking forward to having a more normal life . If working nights in a psychiatric hospital can be considered normal . I 'll know what nights I 'm working in advance , every week , and where I 'm working . I 'll get to know my colleagues , and in some cases , my clients . I have my fingers crossed . I love holiday pay and vacation time and paid sick leave . A few thoughts about working nights . My body wants to be up all night and asleep during the day . It always has . I DESPISE having a job that requires me to be at work early in the morning because I cannot fall asleep before 1 am . So , I love working nights . I am particularly grateful for my open all night gym , and open all night grocery stores . I love not having to drive anywhere in rush hour traffic ( such as it is in Anchorage ) . I am also grateful for an AA meeting that starts at 6 : 30 am . I can go to that meeting on my nights off , do a little shopping afterwards , then go home , watch some tv and go to bed . I 've enrolled in an online college to start working on my Bachelors degree beginning November 1st . That will necessitate fewer hours of Tivo during the night , but I think I can live with it . Posted by I spent this weekend at a camp for kids . This was an opportunity to earn credit for my clinical round in pediatrics . I was happy at the tho . . . I used to be a marketing professional . Now I 'm a psychiatric nurse . I love my husband , my cats , my chickens , my family , my friends , my job and my life .
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We know that webcam has a very small chip with limited amount of pixels , and if we want more field , we will usually make mosaic . Making mosaic is quite tedius and hard , for examples , to fully utilize only 40mm of aperture , I will need over 40 raw frames stitched together to ensure enough overlapping . It 's hard to imagine if one use a larger aperture , it would mean a lot of work . Attached please find an image taken with a webcam , it has more than 640x480 and it 's wider than a webcam can give , but I don 't need to go through the stitching work . It 's just a proof of concept shot , so don 't let the poor quality to turn you down . : ) The key is to use " expand image " is registax . In around the middle of the image , you can see a sunspot . To capture a wider area around the sunspot , I start the AVI capturing on the left of the sunspot , keep it there for a period of time , say 20s and then you start to slew your mount slowly to the right , so the sunspot is now on the left without stopping the capture , now stay sometime on the right of the same sunspot . So , the above AVI contains both the images of the left , middle and the right of the sunspot . Notice that it 's just a single AVI . To stack it , make sure expand image is selected , and you align using the middle sunspot . The resulting stacked final will contain both the left and the right of the sunspot . Such trick should be useable on the moon as well , the good thing is : 1 . one saved time to stitch2 . one saved time to adjust brightness contrast and those stuff before stitching3 . one saved time without having to derotate the frames4 . one can 100 % sure about overlapping I shall try more to see if it really works , and also , I believe instead of from left to right , one can even go up and down , given a common patch is available for alignment during the stacking process . But here it is . Steps : 1 . Capturing : use all the same settings , make sure exposure are the same . capturing from bottom to top , to avoid backlash , start in the east and match to the west ; after completing a series of the same DEC , adjust DEC to capture the next series . Allow more overlapping . I was too greedy and aggressive at first and thus the first strip cannot be merged to the rest . . . 2 . Processing : turn off predict track , since the subtle detail on the solar disc is better non - tracked than tracked . disable stretch histogram , expand image can be left on or off . Finally , wavelet process the stacked result briefly , but remember to use the same amount of wavelet profiles . This step will allow stitching software to work more effectively . 3 . Stitching : stitch all at once , don 't do it piece by piece . Around 3 : 30 - 4 : 10am , LXD55 unaligned , Sky90 . Captured 3 clips using color toucam , the middle one has some parts covered by cloud , 5x Powermate alone . Tried to stack 2x on 5x , but the seeing does not support , a blur patch of light , featureless , so didn 't capture any of them . Sky90 was capable enough to deliver that image scale , since nearly no chromatic abberation can be seen . Finally , used 13mm Nagler + 5x to observe , can see the poor seeing easily . Also , tried to use binoviewer , can reach focus , but can see some strange reflection . I remember that I saw it before . . . still dunno why . Put the 2x in , and it 's even worse . Both can reach focus with the 2x SCT corrector before the diagonal . 22 / Oct : Went to a playground ( football field ! ! ! ! ) to observe the sun briefly with my friend , he has taken some afocal shots with his Coolpix 4500 with 18mm ortho afocally , I just had a look , no sunspots but some QRF and some nice prominence . 22 / Oct : Did some b / w webcam solar imaging inside home when Alby was sleeping , found a tiny crack on the CCD protective window , I got to track it poorly in order to erase that crack after stacking . Need to find a long term solution for b / w solar imaging . The result was not bad , afterall . I even got an 1 hour sleep afterward . : - ) 23 / Oct : Did some afocal imaging inside home when Alby was sleeping , should not give any decent result , time to give up that camera since it gives too much compression . I also processed some AVI from that camera , even with - EV , it still overexposed crazily and the images are compressed way too much , can use G channel for surface detail and R channel for prominence . File close . I did a short observation this morning from 0400 - 0430 . LXD55 was used in a non - polar aligned manner , just hand track with the control box , Ranger is used without a counter weight to maximize the clearance to be used at home , and to point outside as much as possible . At 5x , very low gain is used with the color ToUCam Pro , transparency was nice , but cloud was floating around , making imaging a nightmare especially without tracking . I can only get a single clip with around 500 frames . Preliminary processing reveals the detail on the Mars , despite the small image scale , I believe I caught the dust storm too , and it 's already very BIG . Got to find chance to shoot in the street , or else I will get a dust filled featureless globe soon . This morning around 5 : 30am , I had the first look on Mars in 2005 . Mars was very high in the sky , barely ok with my Ranger , not EQ mounted but with the tripod pushed against the window and using the 410 head . The 410 head still works very well . I used my Ranger since C8 was not useable at that viewing angle . With my 20mm widescan , the field was filled with stars , missed that feeling for long . Panning around with that slow motion control was nice , very enjoyable experience . With the 20mm , and even the 13mm Nagler , the image was dead small and super bright , enough to wash out any detail . . . chromatic abberation is very very obvious . Adding the 5x barlows revealed the detail inside , chromatic abberation is not much worsen , and I could see it 's the " X " side of the Mars , polar ice cap was briefly detected , also those hazy atmosphere around the limb . Everything was done within around 20 minutes , since no imaging can be done , packed up very quickly , missed this feeling for long . For most of the time , EQ mount cannot be polar aligned inside my home , and it 's proven . So , this time I used a LXD55 non - aligned . . . AR798 has gone out of the view mostly , but on image capturing , I believe part of it was still in view , and I got an image of it as well . Another not too small AR810 was in view and I captured it . This time , the b / w cam is unavaiable , and I checked that focusing and exposure was a bit hard to set , but the outcome was not too bad , just some reduction of resolution , but still very useable , I mean for the color webcam . Sun requires huge dynamic range , so I think we need more like a 16 bit camera more than anything . ST402ME cannot do faster than 1 / 25s render it useless for h - alpha imaging , or maybe need to use some neutral density filter to reduce light . . . but . . . A big Hedgerow ( prominence ) is in view , very impressive with binoviewer . AR775 and 776 is nice as well . Found a new way to use LXD55 inside home , this is to use it without polar alignment , to point it straight out from the window and then hand track , by doing so , the scope will be able to hang outside , since the window is SW facing , track can mostly done by pressing the RA only . This is also the first time that I was able to capture some decent high resolution solar disc detail . I used a 2x barlows and I believe that 3x could be used too . The exposure time is 1 / 1000s with 20 - 30 % gain . So , there 're still room for pushing further . It 's just f / 24 and I believe f / 36 could be nice by over - sampling a bit , it should not be a problem on the ToUCam . A b / w webcam should be even better , but anyway , the investment is not very much like I wanted at the moment . So , I will stick at 2x2 mosaic at high resolution . Whole solar disc will be using a DSLR which will be purchased probably next month , after the D50 is released ( hopefully the price of 350D will be pushed downward further ) . If I were to play mosaic for full solar disc , I will probably need to write a software to track and to aid positioning the telescope , solar disc hardly has enough landmark to let me frame accurately to make a mosaic that large . Maybe spend time to study ASCOM . Prominence turn out to be easily captured , also got a photograph on that day . Both solar disc image and prominence has a very narrow correct exposure range , due to the narrow dynamic range of the webcam , especially for the sun . I 'm happy with the result . Should try to further process that short video clip , and probably to play false color with yellow / orange instead of currently orange / black . Forgot to write yesterday night . Jupiter came close to the moon last night , not bad , did some capture but poor planning again . I should have done two separate exposure to capture lunar disc detail and jovian sat . . . anyway . . . did a cheap webcam 4 image mosaic but poor result , also a high power ranger jup . today , woke up and wait for shooting . . . transparency was high but within 10 minutes , all gone wrong , cloudy . . ~ ! ! ! could even see the moon . . . maybe God asked me to sleep earlier today . . . oh . . . I just want one / two clips . . . while waiting for the jup to clear my window . . . die . . . . Woke up at around 1 : 00am , and started some lunar imaging at f / 10 using C8 . Transparency was so poor that even f / 20 will need 100 % gain . So , forced to conduct a low power game . Some nice sights were captured . Later tried on Jupiter , no chance to collimate on any star , and I used one of the Jovian satellite to check collimation , seems not bad . Anyway . At f / 20 , the detail level is even less than f / 10 due to overwhleming noise . But someone else managed to get f / 30 shots . . . how come ? ! shall really investigate . I 've been exploring last two days , my wife has just delivered our baby and I 'm spending time with them , and I managed to get sometimes with my scope when they 're sleeping in the afternoon . Back to my queston , I used a webcam , a Ranger , SM40 with BF10 . I found that prominence and surface detail requires very different exposure setting . I found that , surface detail reveals itself at the lowest exposure among all the h - alpha details , the correct range is very narrow and the image on the display will be red ( normal ) and it 's quite hard to see it bright day light even I cover myself . . . maybe my eyes are too weak on red . . . on pushing up the exposure , surface detail will be washed out and prominence will come into the view . Again , the correct exposure range is quite narrow , or else you saturate the brightest part very easily . the funny thing is , if I further push up the exposure , the surface detail will re - appear , but this time , it 's in orange but not red . H - alpha should be red , I was puzzled and I spent time to think of it . . . why is that ? My preliminary thought is that , due to the high exposure setting , h - alpha signal got sneak into the G and B channel of the webcam . At this setting , normal R channel will be saturated , and so with G and B signal , the surface detail re - appeared . Prominence is about right in R channel as well . Any idea , comment ? Thanks . . . Jupiter comes into my view during mid - night , but I can only observe with with my Ranger . If I am to use the C8 , I will have to wait it to sink lower which is not so favorable . Taken two images , one with a IR block and one without . Processing pending for the one without IR - block . Seeing no good , only those standard detail available . Also had a look on Saturn by using the Unistar Light plus Ranger , since even with the TGSP II , I won 't be able to point to it . So , it 's a goodbye to Saturn for imaging at home . Seems like it 's a BIG hindrance for me to continue my home imaging except the sun and the moon . Possible solution is to find a shorter tripod , or to find an alternative way to motorize my Giro mount again , but I dare not to do it all over again . Or maybe buy a smaller OTA ? Or just get a small fork mounted computerized scope so that I can push it out from the window ? Today , finally got some thinner cloud slit , and got a peek of the sun at hydrogen alpha at home . . . the 20mm ws is nice , and 13mm nagler is a bit hard to hold the view due to kidney bean . the t - max tuner is really important , once set , several huge prominence come into the view . . . superb . . . I just want a larger slit and have some shots if possible . . . X ( they 're fountain like . . . amazingg ! ! ! First time observe in Pak Tam Chung , quite convenient in terms of transportation . Mong Kok ( Yai Ma Tei , MTR first ) to Sai Kung Minibus is $ 13 dollar , very fast and then Minibus 9 to go to Pak Tam Chung . On the way back is even faster , since the minibus even close closer to my home . . . next time should get off by that one and get on a no 70 which will be very near my home . That place was not very dark , but dark enough to be enjoyable . Not very cool , but quite a lot of people there , noisy . Short summary of targets that I hunted and observed : M36 , M37 , M38 , M35 , M1 , M45 , M42 , M44 , M67 , M41 , M79 , M93 , M46 , M47 , M50 , M48 . . . : ) Seeing no good , since I couldn 't even see cassini division despite saturn is quite high . . . stars are fuzzy patches of light . . . They 're not in good order , but date will be found in the title if possible . On migrating the log entries , I found that it 's really nice to bring back old memories . Even better than photographs alone . After the purchase of the 6 . 3mm Celestron Plossl , I 've just observed with the C90 for once only and on that night , my two favorite planets were gone from the night sky . Therefore , I 've only used 159X that the 6 . 3mm offered on the moon , while it 's breath taking already for a relativelynew amateur like me . After getting my Ranger , I 've put aside my C90 for the quality difference is quite large and people are likely to neglect their old lovers when they are having new ones . While several days ago , I 've decided to place my C90 in my office so that I can go up to the roof when the weather is nice . Now , the C90 got its unique position . Tonight , it 's virtually the first observing session after the purchase of my Ranger . I always have an idea in my mind , and it is to use the 6 . 3mm with the barlow in my C90 . I guess people always want to try higher power . With the 6 . 3mm with the Orion Shorty Barlow in the C90 , I can get 317X which is far beyond the ability of the quality and the aperture of this small scope . The manual states that we can push it up to 210X , while I have no way to verify it . I 've only a 12mm and it yield only 167X and the next step is 317X . I tried the C90 on the Jupiter first . At 40X with the 25mm Celestron SMA , Jupiter is a little disc and all the Galileo Satellites are in the view . With more experience , I noticed that there 're servere chromatic abberation . I guess the major source of this error , is from the eyepiece . I tried to use 83X with the 12mm Celestron SMA , I could see two cloud bands , but they were not as contrasty as in the Ranger ( 76X with 6 . 3mm Celestron Plossl ) . Central obstruction ? Less perfect opticals ? I guess both . Next , I tried out the 12mm Celestron SMA with the barlow . It yields 167X , and the view was alright , but again , not as contrasty as that with the Ranger at similar magnifications . Later , I tried to use the 6 . 3mm with the barlow , i . e . 317X . Oh ! I got a fuzzy disc of light . I just couldn 't improve the view by turning the focusing barrel . I would say there 're two reasons : first of all , Oldfield So This is a special trip to me , since this time , I go out after my wife and my baby had slept and come back before they wake up . I forgot the exact date when I wrote that . I brough the C5 of Paul Ng with my Unistar Light on my small Gitzo , the whole setup is very light but I regret . I found it hard to use , without my Rigel . The sky was no good that night , a very thick layer of haze is always there . Okay , this is not a good trip at all , but it serves as a nice proof of concept about going out after family sleep and come back before the wakeup . Thanks Josephine to give us a free ride . This is my first time to take my wife to stargaze with me , I had took her to stargaze when she was my girl friend . The sky is nice and clear in the afternoon , we went to Tung Chung to have our short but enjoyable dinner . But when we go outside , we saw the sky full of cloud , anyway , we still proceed . After the bus trip plus some short relax walk , we arrived and we saw an observing friend Bug who was already there , lying on the floor with his binoculars . The sky was still fully covered . Occasional cloud gap allowed us to spot some stars , but not enough for us to identify the sky . I planned to leave around 8 : 00p , bad . The sky cleared up gradually . We scanned through the region near Orion with my C8 , and the sky continued to clear up , and in the process , the gone through all the major winter showpieces , like the M31 , 35 , 36 , 37 , 38 , 41 , 42 , 45 , and a couple of other things like the Christmas tree cluster , etc . Finally , the sky was covered again around 8 : 45p and we packed up all the thing , went home rather early , and took our bath well before 10 : 30p , great indeed . One of the spikes and rubber feet of my tripod was lost in the trip , got to buy replacement . After some hunting , I found it hard to get other than from the distributor which is located in aberdeen ( far far far to me ) and need to buy in office hour , not to mention that I have to special order the items . When the annual leave is counted , plus the transportation fee , I end up buying from a UK vendor with about similar cost shipped to me . Finally , it costs me $ 270 HKD , what a big mistake ! This is a sunday afternoon , the sky was good , but not many people was there , I wonder why . Arrived there before sunset , which is the first time . APO was already there , had everything setup . Wong arrived there not far earlier than when I left . People went there for fishing as well , I met some when I walked to the observation spot . Saw the STV of APO , really nice and powerful . His 10D was great as well . The sky was only okay , and it is enough to show me my good old friends ( DSOs ) . Shui Hau has become my favorite observation location . But my two good stargazing friends did not visit there until this session . One of them lives in the Hong Kong Island and the other one is living in Tuen Mun , making a major hurdle to them to think Shui Hau is a very far away place . We went there after the fellowshop on Saturday , we belonged to the same fellowship in the church . I took my new C8 Anywhere setup to the church in the afternoon , finished two fellowships and then go there together from Cheung Sha Wan at around 7 : 15p . The setup is light and I distributed the mount and the eyepiece box to one friend and the tripod to the other , so I can even run a very long distance with the setup ! Super good ! We were all rather tired at the beginning of the trip , but I found I owed them for not giving them a peep on the Mars which attracted a lot of people from a very wide spectrum . I owed them before that I who got them attracted by the night sky but without giving them a view through my telescope . We arrive Tung Chung well before 7 : 45p , and we bought some easy ( cheap ! ) food and eat them on the way . We waited at the Taxi station and waited for nearly 10 minutes for a taxi , and it is the longest record ever . We arrived Shui Hau at 8 : 10p , with less than $ 90 taxi fee , i . e . $ 30 each , not bad . Personally , I used those fee complimentary ticket ( 10 trip 1 free ) for both MTR journey , that alone saved me $ 30 + dollars . You know what , the single trip time is less than one hour , and we are talking about going from the urban center to a dark place ! On the taxi , I can see the whole scorpius hanging outside , it is way better than the urban center . Getting off from the taxi , we immediately saw the milky way extended from the horizon to far above the sky near zenith ! This was definitely the best view we had of the milky way ! Setting up the scope takes less than 3 minutes . Extend the tripod , screw the Unistar Lighter mount head in , put the C8 OTA on the dovetail , remove the caps , insert the 40mm XL eyepiece , snap on the Rigel Quick Finder . 張貼者 ： Rushed back home to pick up my C8 , Ranger and Giro mount and then packed up to head for Shui Hau . On arrival , lots of people had their scope setup . Since my mount required no alignment , I aimed at the setting moon and what a nice view ! I didn 't bring a lot of eyepieces with me . Only the Chinese made 2 " wide angle for my C8 , plus a 32mm Plossl for my Ranger and a Tele Vue zoom to play with . Balancing is an hard issue since the floor in Shui Hau is inclined . The heavy 2 " wide angle is a real problem for proper balancing . I failed to get any point which will allow change of eyepiece without re - centering the target , or tighten the friction control knob of the Giro mount . Again , deep sky hunting with 8 " aperture , plus a 2 " wide angle eyepiece , on the Giro mount is a very pleasant experience . Everything was so simple . Look at the chart , locate some brighter stars around the target , aim the rough area with the Rigel Quick Finder , looked into the eyepiece , it 's about there , if it 's not scan around slowly and the target will be right there within 30 seconds . Quick and simple and enjoyable ! I won 't want GOTO of any kind , I mean if I do not go for CCD imaging . Now , the weakest link in hunting object is not to hunt for it in the sky , but to locate which chart contains it ! Name an object , look up the index , locate the bright star , Rigel , scan a bit , here it is ! ! ! No miss . Many deep sky objects can be resolved with a 8 " , what a nice tool to play with ! M4 can be resolved rather nicely , M22 , M13 is a dream . M51 shows the parent and the child rather clearly , but no spiral arm yet . M57 shows the hollow ring shape very nicely . M11 is super funny , wild duck ! ! ! Omega Centurie is impressive and fabulous . M6 looks exactly a butterfly , M7 is a gem . M8 shows many nebulousity like M42 in a small scope . M17 is " Nike " in sky ! M54 , M70 , M69 all reveal theiridentity under the teapot . I am sure I saw far more than I can remember . It 's just a 2 hours show , time is running to fast . But it won 't overwhelm a tired body even we go there after working for a張貼者 ： The transparency has been very good these days , the seeing has been good as well despite there was nice breeze blowing which ease the hot wet summer weather . We arrived at 6 : 30p and we setup the 25 " scope at around 6 : 45p . The scope was stored in several place . The secondary cage and the primary mirror was stored indoor . The rocker box plus the primary cage was stored indoor as well , but just outside the roof for observation . We moved the primary mirror up to the roof and it was very heavy such that two persons can barely do it . This huge chunk of glass was a monster . The secondary cage was much lighter and can be handled by one person . That 's important for we got to set it up on the top of the tall tall truss tube . After the EQ platform , the secondary cage and the mirror was transported to the roof , we moved the monster size component . It was placed on top of a big trolley but we got to move it with five persons . Setting it up was fun , but time consuming , however it worths . The first installation was not done very nicely and the primary has to be moved out and re - install to get enough room for collimation . In short , with the 25 " , all clusters become open clusters . Even the highest density globular was resolved to the core at moderate magnification . The light gathering power and resolving power of the 25 " is well shown even with lots of light pollution around . For nebula and galaxies , it does not show well due to the light pollution , not much color can be discerned , again due to the light pollution , and so we said only 30 - 40 % of the power of the 25 " is shown . All the star clusters , globular or open , show better than photograph since you can see it 3 dimensional . Staring at an object will reveal stars which are not shown clearly in the first glance , and the static cluster looked vivid and alive due to this reason . The moon was bright , but I expected that I would be able to find more , but it gave only frustration . I set a goal for hunting five deep sky objects , but I failed . First of all , the moon was brighter and more annoying than I anticipated . I could spot the M44 without problem , and after some hard hunt , I could dig out M3 which is new to me and my friends . Otherwise , all failed . My friend got a new digital camera and it could be the major source of fun for them . He shooted to Saturn , the ring can be made out , but not cleanly . He shooted the Jupiter , but the excessive shake killed all the detail , not even the equal sign . He shooted the moon , and it gave the best result . Other than the moon , the mount was a problem . Since I was not that energetic that day , I got only the 410 head with my C8 which is an overload . The slow motion control became very stiff , and it was very bad to hunt for new things . I should have stayed home to shoot the planets and the moon . LOL It 's too good to be true to observe in two consecutive nights during a long holiday ! This time , we visit Shui Hau , which is a small village in the Lantau Island , this is also the first time I come to this site . Together with me , we have Leung Sir ( Mike Leung ) , Paul Ng , Billy Cheung ( faihoka aka in astrofarm ) and Szeto Bug . We gathered at the Tung Chung MTR station at 5 : 00p but we started off at 5 : 30p due to someone come late seriously . LOLPrior to that , I bought my trolley to take my equipments out . I didn 't go for a suitcase for some people said suitcase is not robust enough for heavy stuff , and I want to put my mount fully setup during transportation which can save a lot of setup time , I will need a very tall suitcase then , tall suitcase tend to be very large which is hard to move around and excessively bulky for public transport . I settled for a trolley which is small and retractable , it is rated for 35kg of weight , not bad . I rushed home to pack up everything for the trip within around 20 minutes and go out , eventually late for 5 minutes . Too bad and too good that someone is vastly later than me . hahahaha . . . Moving the trolley is not as easy as once I imagine , but it 's manageable . I believe I can do better next time . I shall write another article for transporting my equipment to the field . So , let me skip the detail here . The counter weight get dropped onto the pavement while walking , I then secure it again but that time , it was secured by too much that it was trapped in a recessed position of the shaft and it was no longer movable and removable . . . bad . . . We hired a taxi to go there this time , around $ 90 each trip . Not bad , but it 's comparable to the East Dam which is actually a darker place . The observing place is rather small , and it is along a narrow single way road and it is a place for car to give way to opposite car . There is only one police car passes by during the whole course of observation . The place is inclined , meaning one will need to spend some effort to level their EQ mount . For me , my GR2 mount and 張貼者 ： We gathered at 5 : 30p in Sai Kung and hire a taxi to go directly to the east dam , since the east dam is a restricted area , one cannot go there by other transportation . The sky was very clear all day until around 5 : 00p , the sky was 90 % covered . We go there without hesitation however . Arrived , we took some shots around . East dam is a very nice place , not only for stargazing but also for sight - seeing . I ate my cup noodle anyway , it was my first time to east cup noddle , I remember to take hot water but I forgot to bring a fork . . . oops . . . index finger was used . After taking the noodle , the sky cleared ! We observed a lot of things . Many deep sky objects were nake eye objects ! This is probably the first time I saw and pointed my Ranger to M31 . No problem . All of us found that there were so many stars under the big dog ( cannis major ) , we didn 't realize that before . It was the first time I viewed through a Leica 10x50 binoculars . The view was superb , contrasty and super sharpness . It was a bit heavy for a 50mm and the focus travel was limited , the eyecup design was clever and user friendly ! This time , other than the 2x barlows I 've been using , I stacked in the Zhi - tong barlows to get larger view . . . the seeing was bad anyway , just time to do experiment . The image formed was not bad at all . However , notice that I 've the lens of the Zhi - tong barlows removed , so it 's just acting as an extension tube ! The moon shall be bright but it is also a good " alarm " to force us to come home earlier since we all need to work on the next day . We didn 't go out for observation for quite long since the birth of my baby girl . Choosing a venue alone was not easy as before , since we rarely got chance to observe outside now . We all wanted to get better views , so we narrow down our choices on Shek O ' and Tai Mei Tuk and we finally decided to go to Shek O ' . This time , we didn 't spend time going to the end of the Big Head Island , instead we settle at a place where the Big Head Island serves as a shelter for the only strong light from far away . This was the first time we saw milkyway clearly in Hong Kong , it extends rather long in the sky . What a sight ! This time , I took 40lb of equipment myself , and it sets a new record here . I was using the Ranger and the evil lies on the mount , the battery and all other stuff . The GR2 - DX was real heavy , and another friend took out his notebook PC for using the roboscope option . The software stowed in my microdrive inside my digital camera , and installing software in the stony place was not a nice experience after all . After several rebooting , we got the software installed . When the Roboscope PC link was installed , the keys on the pendant will be disabled by then which was bad enough . It was hard to press the keys on the PC lying on the floor while looking thru ' the eyepiece at the same time . We failed to do even a two stars alignment in such a bad environment . Too bad that those equipments were wasting our time , and wasting our effort to bring them all out . We originally think it might save our time to hunt down our targets but it turned out to be opposite ! I proposed to turn off all the electronic stuff . The GR2 - DX was good enough for me to scan around , finding object couldn 't be easier as before , together with the Ranger . Binoculars observing are always enjoyable . We looked at M7 and then M6 , and then M8 , and then scan up around to find M22 and those Messier objects near by . I swinged the Ranger to the張貼者 ： Having discovered that the Scorpius will crawl to my room windows , I was very excited to setup my telescope there . The transparency has been excellent yesterday night , I could see over twenty stars despite : - 1 . I 'm inside home2 . Spot lights are flooding in the sky3 . I 've no dark adaptationWhen I was doing the alignments ( C8 + driven mount ) , my wife told me that she was feeling sick . I need to unmount everything and took her to the doctor . Coming back home , I resumed my observation but , 1 . Inside another room , with windows closed for air - conditioner2 . Light kept on , for my baby3 . Spot lights are still flooding4 . Nothing to talk about dark adaptation5 . Bright moon was hanging right thereI could barely detect M4 , and I understand I shall try to find something else . Instead of the larger scope , I turned to my little Ranger with an non - driven mount . Having such a small limited window , I scan around exhaustively and slowly . Finally , I found my old friend : - M7 . At 15x , I could see a lot , I mean A LOT , of stars there . Using the zoom eyepiece , I optimized the constrast by tunning magnification . At one point , I could see that the cluster was three dimensional , dim stars were sinking in the field and brighter stars were floating on top . Woo ~ ~ ~ Going to another room to fetch in my better quality plossl and ortho , I could see dimmer stars better but it reveals nothing more . Turning back to the zoom , at 60x , the apparent field of view becomes largest ( ~ 55 degree ) , I could really understand why people shell out BIG money to buy wide field eyepiece . With just 5 degree more , the feeling is a whole lot DIFFERENT ! With the increased constrast , even thought I could no loger see the whole cluster , I found it appeared very immensely ! Of course , I shared the view with my wife ( she has been better after taking medicine ) , and she was excited as well . So , by ALL MEANS observe , since you could see something despite of the bad conditions . This is the ever best view I had had for my good old friend , M7 . I 've never been able to spend that many time for 張貼者 ： I 'm living near where the spot lights are flooding in the sky recently . Yesterday night , after searching the comet I - Z ( failed ) , I begin to find a DSO which came near my window . I used my 70mm refractor to find it , and after looking at the star chart , I found it . It 's easy in dark sky but it 's not so easy to find it in the urban area . The first time my FoV covered that area which I felt confident in , but there seems nothing there . I remembered that I read an article from a famous amateur in sci . astro . amateur saying that some objects will not be visible in the eyepiece if you just sweep across the field . So , I stopped for a while , spend some time to look at the area which I felt confident . After 2 or 3 seconds , the open cluster revealed itself from invisibility ! I called my wife in and showed it to her , she could see if after a while too . Then , I setup the 200mm and tried to catch it again . The starting point was Sirius . At 62x , the sky was dark and the Sirius looked real good . I called my wife in and she said it looked like a big diamond . She told me that there 's a dark thing in the center of the star , it 's an indicator of two things : good collimation , focus was bad . I asked her to focus it again , and the black spot disappeared . I then searched for M41 again . With the experience just gained with the 70mm , M41 was found much quicker . The number of stars in the open cluster was much more than with the 70mm , and I could see it immediately . Again , I asked my wife in and shared the view with her . She said there were so many stars , with different colors . Personally , I found the view of M41 superior in a dark sky with my 70mm than the view of it at the urban center with the 200mm . Aperture is not everything , darker sky somehow and sometimes can play a more important role . Seeing and tranpareny unknown , since it 's not an observation at all . I came home and saw the moon from my room window . Since the re - location of the bed , I could no longer setup a tripod next to the windows . This time , I just want to take some afocal shots of the moon . I placed a wooden board over a " bamboo blanket " on top of my soft bed . The tripod could not be extended or else it would be larger than the wooden board . So bad . The setup was top - heavy . I held it by my legs , setup the remote control with the digital camera . Took some quick shots , the results were not so bad . It was a good start . First , Cassini division was very obvious , even detectable without averted vision . This was the first time with my little Ranger . We saw a number of cloud bands as well , they were not subtle . Next to the Jupiter , the GRS was excellent . Perfectly detectable without using averted vision as well . We could detect over 8 cloud bands clearly that night as well . I could also see a satellite coming out from the back - side of the planet . The sky was pretty bad . When we arrived Tsuen Wan , the sky was covered with cloud and the Jupiter in the zenith was the only available object in the whole sky . We went on the bus anyway to see if it 's better up the hill or not . When we arrived , the whole sky was covered with cloud . We decided to stay a while to see whether there are some other good places for observing next time . It 's also nice to breath in some fresh air . We found another place , but it 's not perfect . First , it 's too near the road . The head light from the cars can ruin our dark vision totally . Second , we could near nearby towns directly . Actually , our first target of that night was the Central Plaza and the second one was the Tsing Ma Bridge . Suddenly , we saw the Sirius . We pointed there . Nothing else except the bright white star ( not much chromatic abberation with the Ranger , at least not annoying ) . Next we found the Jupiter . No cloud belts but the four satellites were clearly visible . We tried to find Saturn ( which is invisible even with 10x50 binoculars ) , no luck . In between the break of the cloud , we looked at M42 . And it was one of the worst sight of this old friend . We also found the Pleaides later , and it was visible through both the binoculars as well as the Ranger . We continued to look from the break of the cloud . Finally , most of the cloud in the zenith went away . We could see two open clusters in the Auriga clearly , and we could actually detect one more , but could not see it clearly . I guess we saw M36 and M37 but just detected M38 . M42 and M45 became a fine sight after the area near zenith was cleared . M45 was always amazing . Maybe we should try some afocal shots next time . Saturn 's ring and Jupiter 's cloud belts were clear . Finally , we found Andromeda beta and gamma ( Almach ) as well as detected M31 briefly . The double cluster was barely detectable at best . We could not locate M41 this time . The sky is clear tonight , but there is strong haze . Originally , we planned for a short observation trip but it is cancelled due to the excessive haze . I heard that when transparency is terrible , the seeing could be excellent at the same time . I look out from my Kitchen window , and I see no star with naked eyes . I take my binoculars out and I can see a bright orange star there but no more . Taking out my Ranger , I want to test the zoom eyepiece in the sharpness department . People said the sharpness drops below 12mm or 10mm . I want to verify it myself . Scanning the sky first reveal many many stars , and it proves to me that the Ranger with 20mm more aperture actually show more , regardless of the night in the High Island Reserviour . It also confirm me that if it 's not the dew , the Ranger can actually deliver amazing views under darker skies . I point my Ranger to the orange star . Strange . I guess my Ranger has pinched optics at first , I also guess that it might be due to the relatively cold weather . The star looks triangular ! ! ! I never noticed that before . My mind is confused and I begin to blame my Ranger again ( You know , I 'm considering to switch to a Tak FS60C ! ) . No matter how , I turned my zoom to make it at 8mm , i . e . 60X with the Ranger . Hey ! I see two stars ! ! ! ! It 's not pinched optics , it 's excellent resolution ! A familiar view ! I saw that in the High Island Reservior ! ! ! It 's the Almach , Andromeda Gamma ! I can 't imagine that the small viewing windows ( approximately 10x20 degree at most ) can actually show me something ! ! ! Especially in a real urban sky ! ! ! Clear dark sky separate the two stars . The blue star is pinpoint , and the orange star shows it 's diffraction pattern nicely , round and clear . In order to test my zoom , I insert my 5x Powermate to the optical chain . At 100x ( 24mm ) , the double split nicely . I dialled all the way to 8mm , refocus . Hey ! The stars are separated by a huge gap of absolutely pitch black sky ! ! ! Both stars show diffraction pattern nicely . You know , it 's already 300x ! ! ! The little 70mm aperture is張貼者 ： Tonight I went observing with two of my friends with my 10x50 binoculars . We brought just too little stuff , only a single binoculars with a planisphere . So , our targets were limited to those printed on the planisphere . We observed the M42 , the double cluster and the M45 . This was the first time we found the double cluster . We didn 't know what it was , but we later checked that when we back home . It 's simply amazing . We also looked at the Jupiter and its satellite , and also the Saturn . Nothing special about the Saturn but we could see Jupiter as a small disc hanging in the dark sky . This a real wonderful night , the seeing is exceptional ! ! ! When I went back home after the prayer meeting , I saw the moon from my windows . I setup the Ranger within one minute and begin observing . The cresent moon was so good in my 15x field of view ! ! ! I could see the whole disc , with the help of Earthshine . I couldn 't help to ask my little sister to look into my eyepiece ! " Woww ! ! " , was her response . I understand that she appreciated it . I pumped it up to 75x with the Powermate , she looked and wonder how nice the view was . Excellent ! I pushed it further up to 150x with the 2x Barlows with the original setup , making it very long , but the view was so good ! I called my parents in and my father found it difficult to catch the view into the eyepiece , maybe the eye - relief was too much in that kind of setup . I replaced it with a 20mm eyepiece to make a magnification of 120x with the Powermate , I knew he could find the view finally when I heard the voice " woww . . . " from him . My mother got next but she didn 't make a woww . . . voice and we guess that she couldn 't see it . But that 's not the case , she seemed not so excited as us , she described the view to us , showing that she could really saw the image in the eyepiece . Of course , she appreciated the view , but she found nothing special about it . I guess it 's because she didn 't know how far out there the moon really was . I continue to watch the moon , try different magnifications , including the weird 381x and even 762x . . . To my surprise , the Ranger could hold with 381x actually but of course , it brought no further detail . 762x generated a too small exit - pupil , I could see nothing except my own eyes . Not bad . I keep watching the moon at 75x , finding it 's the optimal for tonight . The moon sinked without a notice . My next target was Jupiter , but I have to wait ten minutes or so after the moon disappeared . The view of Jupiter was so good tonight , it 's the best view I had so far . With 75x , I could detected three belts clearly . Pushing it up to 120x ( 20mm / 5 ) or 150x ( 6 . 3mm / 2 ) revealed the fou張貼者 ： This trip is originally for the first sun raise of 2000 , and it ended up very successful for that target . This is probably the most fruitful stargazing up to this moment . Among the past sessions , I spent not too many time to explore the night sky when compared to this session . The weather was dewly and the planisphere got soaked very soon . Luckily , the binos served us very well . Surprisingly , the binos gave me a better chance to look at the night sky . When the sun - set , we first see the bright Jupiter and Saturn . Of course , we could see nothing than the bright satellites and a small disc with the binos . Nothing special for Saturn as well . As the night moved on , we first looked at the Pleaides and the Orion Nebula . Very good , but they 're sort of our old friends . But still , they were impressive . We had a list of new targets tonight . First , we tried to locate the Polaris . Strange enough , I still couldn 't identify this supposed to be easy target after these few years . Maybe it 's because I didn 't get an EQ mount for my scope , except a very cheap one which had been sold long ago . We soon located the Polaris with the help of the planisphere , and in order to confirm it , we mark its location to see if it moved or not throughout several hours . We then moved on to look for the Andromeda galaxy . I couldn 't locate this one in the last trip which I considered to be a complete failure . I had studied the star atlas for many time to find our way . One of my friends located it first before me . I confirmed from his description that he had found it . Of course , with a hand - held binos , I couldn 't share his view . Okay , I tried his method to locate it , and I found it soon . Maybe it 's the first time , I found it to be more impressive than the higher praised Orion Nebula ! ! ! We repeated to find it several time and the method my friend proposed was proved to be a nice guide . We extend from the Cassieopia and moved to the direction to a corner star of the Andromeda and somewhere in between , there was a star upper than that straight line , and below t張貼者 ： Both the seeing and the transparency is poor tonight . I couldn 't see the bandings clearly even at magnification as low as 75x . When I was trying to lower to 30x , cloud moved in . I switched my target to wait for the Saturn , which is coming . However , the cloud refused to go . Okay , the cloud is still moving . I grasp a view of the Saturn at 120x , not good at all , but it draws old memory . I better come back tomorrow night . I could make out four bands tonight . I tried to compare the view through the 6 . 3mm with 2x Barlows and the 20mm with 5x Powermate . The view through the 6 . 3mm with 2x Barlows is larger , and the amount of detail in both setting is so similar , and it is not compatible with the result I found yesterday night that the Tele Vue yields a better image . It has been long that I haven 't updated this file . Tonight , the transparency of the sky is not so good but the seeing is exceptional . I stay at home for this short observing , because I 'm extremely tired . I scan around the small sky patch inside my sleeping room , the light pollution is very serious , I can see no stars without any optical aid . There are many stars when observed with the Ranger , with a 32mm eyepiece . The sky is not dark at all . I would be amazed by the great number of stars before I got the Ranger , but now it is no longer a surprise . Nothing special can be detected , however , when I tried to pump up the magnification on a bright star , I can see the beautiful diffraction pattern , it is steady and nice , perfectly circular . The central solid disc , the first and the second rings are readily observable . What a beautiful sight . Tonight , I 've looked at the Saturn again , but this time , I 've made careful observation and waiting so that I could get 30 minutes of observing time on the Saturn before it disappeared from my little observing window . I 've made a temporary light shield by wrapping a paper around the objective . Contrast should be improved , since I could see much less stray reflection from the objective side . I 've also used a cloth to cover my head during observation to block stray light . However , the light pollution here is just too worst , I could read the star charts without using my own lamp . Cassini Division was my target , however , only a hint was suspected . By switching among the eyepieces and barlows , I couldn 't make it out exactly and confidently . I found it was hard to use averted vision on planets , however , it is easy for the satellite . When I was looking at the planet disc , the satellite ( Titan ) appeared very clearly ; when I looked at it directly , it nearly disappeared . I could see that the ring is rather wide , however , the Cassini Division is still not confirmed . A bit disappointed . Later in the night , I looked at the Orion Nebula . Before the view was cleared , I looked at the zeta orion . I found that it 's a pair of nice double stars , probably my first double star target . The Ranger could split it in 15x and I 've tried to push up to 381x and the view was still nice . Good ! The light pollution has affected the whole view of the nebula , and it was quite different then the view in another sub - urban area . The Nebula has become very small , even with the filter and nearly disappeared without the filter . However , by pushing the magnification up to 120x , the view became quite good . When looking at the Nebula at 120x , my attention was caught to the trapezium . I guess it was the first time I really saw the trapezium . Four stars were all visible , and they 're covered by the nebula . A very nice view I would say . By pushing it further up to 240x , the field of view became smaller , but not much detail could be seen . Just discovered that my little viewing window can reveal both the Jupiter and the Saturn , however and of course , the viewing time for both planets are are only less than 10 minutes . The image for the Jupiter today is not very good , the cloud belts are pale and I could not read it very clearly at any magnification from 120x up to 240x that I 've tried . The Jupiter appeared at around seven O ' Clock . Later for the Saturn , it appeared at around eight O ' Clock . I discovered it when I was scanning the little viewing window by using my pair of binoculars and I found a orange small elongated disc . Using the Ranger at 15x confirms the view . I 've tried various magnification on the Saturn but not much detail can be seen , just like the Jupiter . I could hardly see its moon , the Titan . I 've tried to use the Orion Ultrablock for both of the planets , since people reported that it could be served as a green filter , I found it not to be the case , maybe the Ranger is too small in aperture . Using the # 14 yellow filter could not help to improve the contrast , and however , the light transmission for the filter is high , and I guess it 's suitable for my little Ranger . Maybe I should try it later when the sky condition is better . Tonight , I 've also tried to push the scope up to 381x and the image is just a bit too dim to be useful . Actually , even at 240x , the image is not bright enough . I guess 150x or even 120x is optimal . Yesterday night , I tried to look out from another window of my apartment and I found a bright yellowish - orange star outside the window , I then decided the observation tonight . Again , since the window view is kind of small , probably 9 degree by 9 degree , I could not identify anything . Since it 's heavily light polluted here , I guess it 's the planet Saturn . The window is inside my kitchen , and after setting up everything , I placed a wooden board on the floor to place my eyepieces and barlows . At the first observation , I could see only one barely visible star with my naked eyes . Pointing the Ranger there reveal a pink sky , with a lot of stars , filling the whole field of view of the 32mm . Excellent view ! I was attracted , and by scanning around , there were quite a large number of stars available . Turning to the 20mm makes the view of the stars even better for the sky become darker . In the second observation time , the Saturn suspect appears but after pointing the Ranger there at 15x , I could make a conclusion that I 've made it wrong , it 's not the Saturn . Instead , I guess it could be the Betelgeuse . Okay , I switched my goal to test my Ranger again . I first pushed it to 381x with the 6 . 3mm plus the Powermate , the diffraction pattern is not bad , I further push it to 762x , the image is so similar as the 381x , except the star moves so quickly that I could hardly keep it in the field . By placing the 2x barlow before the Powermate , I guess the power is even higher , and yes , the image tends to break down . Anyway , I was pretty disappointed , since I want the Saturn . Jupiter gets in my viewing window at home much earlier than before , after I 've paused for a while . Tonight , I 'm trying to look at different magnification from my Ranger to see what is most suitable for me , especially for the Jupiter . 75X produced by the 32mm with Powermate is obviously too low and the image is a bit too bright . The 120X produced by the 20mm with Powermate is very nice , all detail from 150X can be observed but it takes pretty much attention and concentration . 150X produced by stacking a 2x between the 32mm and the Powermate is optimal , I guess , but I could notice an internal reflection from the 32mm ; but no such problem for the 20mm . Besides the above , I 've tested the Powermate with the 6 . 3mm , yielding 380X on the Jupiter . The image is a bit fuzzy , but I could still make out three cloud belts , good , I would say . It 's just a test rather than trying to see if it 's useable or not . And more importantly , to make me love the Ranger more . Before tonight , I would say my 32mm Plossl is not useful , since the 20mm plus the Star Pointer work fine for finding objects . However , I 've looked at the belt of the Orion , woo ! ! ! It 's one of the greatest view I ever had , excellent ! The three stars fit nicely into the 3 . 3 degree field of view , and there 're too many stars within ! The 32mm Plossl is not bad at all , stars were rather sharp to the edge , stars were pin - point on - axis . I used the 32mm throughout the observing session , except when I was trying to compare the view by raising the power on the Orion Nebula right under the belt . Except the wide field view , I 've tried to test the Ranger at the Sirius by using 152X , I could see quite a lot of colors . Not bad , I would say , I still love my Ranger since there 's nothing to view with Sirius at high power ; anything else were perfectly alright . The in - focus and out - focus image were round , and diffraction rings were detected at that power . The sky here ( PW ) was not very dark , I could not detect M42 near the Sirius . The transparancy was not very good , but quite a number of stars were available when compared to the urban night . Just like before , I 've to go through to the new friends ( in astronomy ) about simple cosmology and the use of telescope . After introducing them the constellations , the Jupiter and the Saturn , I show them in the telescope . The Pleaides ( M45 ) and the Orion Nebula ( M42 ) were good , obviously , some of them were impressed while some were not . Seeing was not very good , too , I could see only three bands on Jupiter . My target tonight was to find the Andromeda Galaxy ( M31 ) , since my friend and I were able to spot it in my binoculars in the last trip . I hadn 't brought my binoculars this time , which was one of the most important excuse ( reasons ) that we couldn 't find it this time . I guess that it 's due to the fact that it 's located nearer to the horizon this time . While I were searching for the M31 , I found another galaxy which I thought it was the one I wanted . It gave me the feeling for being able to find something , even it 's not truely the one I wanted . Later I looked at the red dot from the Star Pointer , I found the location of M31 should not be that point in the sky . The angular size of the galaxy I found further proved me to be wrong . Looking at the DeepMap 600 , I concluded that it was the Pinwheel Galaxy ( M33 ) . The sight was good , but it 's a bit dim for the 70mm Ranger . During the Chung - yeung festival , we want wild - camping at Chek - king . Tonight , I 've brought with me only two eyepieces . They 're the 32mm Sirius Plossl ( to provide me with the largest possible FoV ) and the new Tele Vue 8 - 24mm Zoom . I 've also taken the 5x Tele Vue Powermate . After the whole night , I found that the 32mm was left alone in my eyepiece case . The Pleaides and the Orion Nebula were superb in the Tele Vue zoom . I don 't quite affected by the narrower field of view at low magnification of the zoom . Maybe it 's because I has not been " spoiled " by the wider - field eyepieces , yet . The view of Jupiter and Saturn were very good as well , at least not a bit poorer than my 20mm Tele Vue Plossl . The zoom capability was really convenient and also useful . Once the target was found , I could zoom in - and - out until I found the optimal magnification . Since clouds moved in occassionally , I found I couldn 't see the planets long enough to figure out the real performance of the zoom at higher power . I didn 't get a chance to use the Powermate as well , but I 've a feeling that the 2x Orion Shorty Barlow might be a better couple with the zoom . The 5x Powermate should be a bit too high , at 100x even at the lowest ( 24mm ) setting with the Ranger . I also got a chance to watch the sun on the next afternoon using the zoom , the view was excellent . That was the first time I watch the sunspots with my scope , several sunspots ( at least seven ) were easily visible . I could also look the the detail of each of the spots , and they looked circular with smaller spots inside . So , there were actually several sunspot groups available . I had also taken some photographs with my friend 's digital camera , and they can be found at my astrophotography page . In conclusion , I love my zoom and my Ranger , as well as the new solar filter . Oh , yes . . . and also the new Gitzo G106 tripod , it was very light and compact , make it extremely portable . So , I sold my Manfrotto 055C in the next week . : ) Short Conclusion : I think I shall draw a short conclusion after about half a year of usage . The Tele Vue zoom becomes my eyepiece of choice if I have to pick one only . At 24mm , the real FoV provided is large enough for me to find my targets with the Ranger . And at 8mm , it provides enough magnification for me to observe even the planets . Of course , I usually bring the 2x Orion Shorty Barlows or the Tele Vue 5x Powermate along with the zoom . To compensate thing a little bit better , I will also bring the 32mm Sirius Plossl . In a night with excellent seeing , I 've the experience to clearly see the Cassini Division with the Tele Vue zoom at around 120x with the 5x Powermate , cloud bands on the Saturn is obvious as well . I 've also see the GRS and many many ( over 8 ! ) cloud bands on the Jupiter . More importantly , all these were done with a 70mm Tele Vue Ranger ! Averted vision is NOT required . However , I 've done it in one and only one occasion . You will never know how your telescope performs until the sky is excellent . On deep sky objects , I 've also seen the fan shape of the Orion Nebula on the same night , and that 's also the first time . Unluckily , I haven 't brought my 20mm Tele Vue Plossl with me that night , or else I can tell how the zoom performs when compared with fixed focal length eyepieces . But I 'm sure that the zoom will not be a disappointment . And to me , it 's an amazing piece of art . 5 - Oct - 2000 : Night and 6 - Oct - 2000 morningDuring the Chung - yeung festival , we want wild - camping at Chek - king . Tonight , I 've brought with me only two eyepieces . They 're the 32mm Sirius Plossl ( to provide me with the largest possible FoV ) and the new Tele Vue 8 - 24mm Zoom . I 've also taken the 5x Tele Vue Powermate . After the whole night , I found that the 32mm was left alone in my eyepiece case . The Pleaides and the Orion Nebula were superb in the Tele Vue zoom . I don 't quite affected by the narrower field of view at low magnification of the zoom . Maybe it 's because I has not been " spoiled " by the wider - field eyepieces , yet . The view of Jupiter 張貼者 ： I rarely got any chance to go out to observe in the summer , it is because it is always cloudy . There 's a special holiday for my wife and me , so we decided to have a short trip . We arrive in the afternoon , and my wife learned how to swim that day . Still need some more practice , however . After the dinner , we went on the beach in front of the hotel to watch the stars . This was the first time I tried to pack everything ( telescope , tripod , eyepieces , barlows , filters , star atlas ) into my backpack . It was rather heavy but still managable . Of course , I still want a lighter setup . Anyway , it 's an elegant solution already . I made my observation list in the afternoon based mostly on Turn Left on Orion . Our observing site was bright . I could read the charts without flashlight ( but not read the words ) and there was a thin layer of cloud above . Not very good , but it was already a great time for me . My observing list included M4 , M51 , M81 , M82 , M13 , the Double - double , the Ring Nebula , the Albireo and the M27 Dumbbell Nebula . Today is 5 - July , when I read the s . a . a newsgroup , I confirmed that my wife and I had actually detected M4 , the globular cluster near Antares of Scorpius . Originally , I thought it was fogging of the eyepiece , but later I knew it was there , since it moved with the stars as double confirmed with my wife . After reading from the newsgroup ( another guy in Singapore is asking the same question , but he 's using a 6 " ) , the description is exactly the same . Good ! I 've never spent that much time which the moon . Tonight , the transparency is bad but the seeing is good . Nothing else could be another target except the bright moon , which is now nicely placed in my little viewing window out of my window in my sleeping room . It looks fuzzy with naked eyes . I 've used my Ranger to do the observation , and it 's the only scope that I 've after I sold my C90 . I didn 't miss my C90 , since it could not show me anything that the Ranger cannot . The eyepieces which I 've used include a 20mm Tele Vue Plossl and a 32mm Sirius Plossl . I 've the 5x Powermate and a 2x barlow with me . Therefore , I have 15x , 24x , 30x , 48x , 75x , 120x , 150x and 240x , quite complete . For the moon , I use 75x , 120x , 150x and 240x . I 've a light yellow filter ( # 12 ) with me as well . At both the 150x and 240x , I find that my eyepieces are dirty . At the very beginning , I suspect those were my floaters in my eyes . By rotating the eyepiece , I know that it 's not the problem of my eyes . By rotating the barlow or the Powermate , the dirts do not move as well , that means I have to clean my eyepieces . After cleaning the eyepieces , the views are so good . At 240x , the moon drifts across the field of view quite fast , together with the craters on the moon surface . I 've a feeling that I 'm traveling slowly in a space ship , looking out from the windows . At 240x , the field is not too big and I could only keep looking at a few craters at a time . I found the view at 150x much more comfortable . Adding a color filter does increase I find that most of the craters are nearly perfect circles , and they are not very deep when compared with their diameter . I don 't have a moon map and so I cannot identify the craters , but I find it interesting just to look at them . I have a feeling that I am very closed to the moon , the craters look so large . ( Yes , I know they 're actually much larger ) Even with a standard Plossl , the field of view is wide enough and pleasing , and I wonder how it would be if I looked through a wide angle eyepiece . Anyway , it 's a matter of emotional feeling rather than it is much more useful . I find that the thin layer of cloud is a not too bad filter . It softens the image produced , but there are still many surface features visible . It darkens the glare even without my own filter , so it comes for free . I find that the moon is too bright even with a small exit pupul , at 240x , i . e . 0 . 29mm . And since it is so bright , it is a pretty good target for small scopes . I switched to 75x finally , and the moon fits nicely in the whole field of view . With the Powermate , the 32mm Sirius Plossl produces sharp image across the whole field of view . The edge performance of the Sirius Plossl is not so good without any barlow . The most suitable magnifications are 120x and 150x for the moon , I think . I prefer to
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Naturally , because buses are timed sensibly in Spain , the next one after the 10 . 30am is 4 . 30pm . That 's right . A whole six hours between them . Which is why I 'd looked up the times from Algeciras because you might as well hop on the local bus to Alge and get the directo . Anyway , I was so disorganised / idle / putting it off that I decided the 4 . 30 would do just fine . So off I goes to La Linea and arrived with five or ten mins to spare . Not good . It was full . Full ? ? ? ? It 's never full . Or at least it was never full when it left at 2 . 30 before they changed the times . Perhaps that 's why they changed the times . Next bus ? Seven o ' clock . Now , there is stuff all to do in La Linea at the best of times , but hanging around for two and a half hours was not my idea of a good time . Next bus to Alge ? 4 . 45 . I decided to take it , and with any luck would arrive in time to catch the 5 . 30 directo to Málaga . See , this is why I memorise bus times . Important to know your options . Well , I would never have done that years ago in case he said no , but these days this is the woman who jumps out in the middle of the road and says STOP ! if she wants a bus to stop . So nothing ventured , I walked up to the throng of people to collar the driver . Whereupon I discovered he was in the middle of telling two or three other people that NO , he did not have any seats left , at all . Bus to Algeciras arrived . I sat opposite the exit door . Jumped out in Alge with five minutes to spare and dashed to the ticket office praying for no queue . Phew . Ticket to Málaga on the 5 . 30 please . I could have a seat on the 7 . 30 . I didn 't have much choice did I ? It would still get in before the La Linea one at 7pm because this was a directo , so ETA around 9 . 30pm . Could be home by 10 . 30pm . I bought the ticket . Algeciras is not a bad bus station in which to while away two hours as it does good tortilla and cheap rioja so off I went to the bar . Another dilemma . There was a choice of tortilla ( not normal in most bars but this one often has two or three ) . Potato one , or potato and peppers ? I struggled to remember , one of the alternative ones was too moist , ahh , that was onion . I 'll have the pepper one , I said . Any chance of chips ? I asked . Nope . Cookers closed down . Oh well . Once in Málaga , just before 9 . 30 , I shot round to my local bus stand . Technically I think you are meant to buy a ticket , but plenty of people just get on and pay cash . Time was short and no time to queue at the ticket office . I arrived and saw the bus pulling out . I went to buy a ticket after all . I had half an hour to kill . The rest of it was killed in the bar with a San Miguel . So now I 'm on the 10pm bus and it 's dark . ETA has been revised to around 11pm . When we pulled into the central Málaga bus stop the bus was nearly full . After that , the bus stopped at every single bus stop in the world for someone to get on or off or both . Dark . Full . Will I even spot my bus stop ? This journey used to take 40 minutes . It now takes the best part of an hour . It took an hour and a half before I arrived at my village . Would I wander around in the UK at 11 . 30 pm on a Friday night ? No . Gib yes . Spain yes . Well , again , I had no choice . Crickets chirping , frogs croaking , and as I walked up the approach to my pueblo , a horse waiting patiently for his rider to finish his drink at the bar . Very Clint Eastwood . I stroked and patted him . The horse , not Clint Eastwood , while the young lads swinging their legs on the wall ignored me . White horse On the return journey I was slightly more organised . Left the house around 9 . 45am , said goodbye to the neighbours , and skipped off to the bus stop about ten minutes walk away . Just as I was approaching the main road down the dry stream bed ( as you do ) I saw a man appear with a bag . Not looking good . I reached the main road and saw the back end of the bus disappearing to Málaga . Oh , no . Not again . I sat and waited for nearly half an hour . When the bus appeared the driver had already spotted me and had his indicator on . I jumped up in relief . Once on the bus I decided not to look at the clock . Either I 'd get there in time , or it would be a few more hours wait at Málaga . Shut my eyes , although did take a few cheating peeks . We rumbled along quite merrily until we started to hit the Málaga suburbs and people started getting on and off . More delays . The only bright spot was the Spanish radio phone - in about noise problems . ' What noise annoys you , Javier , from Madrid ? ' asked the presenter . What a top job to have , being a Spanish radio journalist on a phone - in prog . All you have to do is ask the question , give their name and location , and then sit back and occasionally say ' Sí ' while they ramble on endlessly about some crap or other . ' Rajoy is sick , ' erupted one woman opposite me . ' I can 't bear the man , he talks a load of rubbish . ' etc etc etc so naturally the rest of the front of the bus joined in , including the driver . And she missed her stop . I love Spanish rule - breaking though . She promptly asked the driver if he would let her out in the middle of the road and he did . Haha ! I started clock - watching again . We arrived in Málaga with eight minutes to spare for the 11 . 30 . I could do it if there wasn 't a queue . I shot first off the bus and dashed around the concourse . Horrors ! ! Long queues . No . A mistake . That was for Tourist Infomation . Portillo had two taquillas open . Only one person at one , and an empty one . I couldn 't believe my luck . Ticket for the 11 . 30 to La Linea , I gasped . ' Hurry , it 's about to leave , ' he said , calmly printing it out . Well , he wasn 't the one who needed to dive on the bus . Because the next one was at 2pm . Luckily I had brought some left - over food with me , so by the time we arrived at Marbella , I decided to have some tapas . Some fake salami slices wrapped up in my garden lettuce with half a tomato . Yum . I was busy concocting this rather neat little delicacy when I noticed a Bolivian woman standing by my seat . I 'd moved into the window seat because the air - con was on and I had no shirt so my arms were getting cold . At least the sun through the window was warm . I 'd been doing the time - old trick of trying to hog two seats by forcing people to ask you to move / wake up / move your bag / whatever . Guilty as charged . At San Pedro she moved to another double empty seat . I don 't know why she picked me in the first place . There were other empty seats . Anyway , I sat happily in the window seat until we got to Estepona . A middle - aged man got on . And decided to sit next to me . Shit ! I should have gone back to the aisle seat . Oh well . The bus station had gone . It was crappy anyway and needed a revamp . But it was to be made into a kiddy park . What is with this obsession with kiddy parks ? Either they should be playing football or faffing around on their computers . Why waste tax payers ' money on yet more asinine kiddy parks ? ' Me too ' . Well that 's great but if you think I 'm talking to you all the way to La Linea you can think again . I looked out of the window . He fell asleep and then snored . He cleverly woke up at La Linea . We chatted for a few more minutes and he invited me for a beer . Aww . That was nice . I declined , hopefully with some degree of grace . Apart from anything else he 'd already rescued his dead cigarette out of his pocket desperate to light up once off the bus . And - I wanted to see my dog . ' Well , if you decide to come , you know where I am , ' he said kindly , and let me off the bus before him , holding up everyone else . I sorted my passport and took the hike across the frontier , the runway , and a bus pulled up to take me home . Top travel tips and prices 1 . In my case I totally stuffed it up . DO NOT leave getting your bus ticket with a few minutes to spare . I ignored my own advice that I have given out frequently : D 2 . At peak times , leave even more time , ie summer and weekends . I made a total FU by travelling Friday evening , I should have remembered this from before on Saturdays , but it was so long ago … . 4 . If you are a woman in your 40s or 50s and want to pick up a man , I recommend the direct bus between La Linea and Málaga . I joke not . I don 't know how it works for men . 5 . Travel early . Eat and / or take something with you . Go to the toilet before the journey in case the one on the bus is locked , it frequently is . If there even is one . 7 . Check out where your bus is coming from - it may be delayed if it is coming from half - way across the country especially in bad weather . Rain delays everything in Spain . 8 . If you wish to have two seats to yourself , sit in the aisle seat , don 't shower , have a drink , smell of cigarettes , eat something , and / or go to sleep and snore . You MUST look scruffy and intimidating . As ever , it 's easier for men than for women . 9 . Do not trust anyone , and use max security for passports , cash and ID . But be polite , most people are actually nice . Just be aware . 10 . Take something to cover your arms on the buses , the air - con is cold . Keep your luggage to a minimum , you don 't need to carry your baggage around with you . That 's probably all you need to know in life and how to travel . And for the old Brits out there - White horses . I used to rush home from school to watch this . If you watch the vid , the singer , Jackie Lee , has actually taken the time to comment on the youtube post . Advertisements 67 comments on " Hop on the bus , Gus - in Spain " Rosa de los Vientos says : 11 July 2013 at 10 . 28 pm Very nice . Of course I have lived all this . I will take a rioja on this post . Un abrazo . Reply roughseasinthemed says : 11 July 2013 at 10 . 38 pm Haha ! Te invito por una rioja cuando pases por aquí . And yes , just another day on the bus in Spain . I like Spanish buses and the people I meet . Un abrazo / besito para ti . Reply Rosa de los Vientos says : 13 July 2013 at 12 . 12 am Me too , love Spanish buses ! Actually , the best people seem to hide in buses and not in cars . Well , that 's my experience . I think it will take me at least 24 hours to get to ' Gib ' ; ) , by bus . We 'll better take a vino malagueño once . : D Rosa de los Vientos says : 15 July 2013 at 8 . 45 am Cuando voy a pasar por Málaga te lo haré saber , a ver si nos tomamos de verdad un vinito , que tambien puede ser en el estación de autobuses ! ; ) Jajaja , con tortilla de pimientos ! ( De todos modos será ya después del verano , porque ahora tengo que viajar etc . ) . Un abrazo ! Rosa Reply roughseasinthemed says : 11 July 2013 at 11 . 16 pm Como quieres . I 've not seen any posts from you for a while . Good to hear you are still around . Mostly the extra buses were big city to big city eg Málaga , Granada , Córdoba , Sevilla but Algeciras did make that at one point . I was told I could chance an extra bus that may or may not happen or book the later one . I booked the later one . Your trips always seem like they could be movies . Sometimes it 's sort of " I Love Lucy " - ish . This time it seems more art film - ish with dramatic lighting and clearly portrayed portraits of people . Maybe you should get one of those GoPro cameras and attache it to your head and become a film producer . Reply roughseasinthemed says : 12 July 2013 at 7 . 56 am Yes , I did too . I often sing snippets of it . As does Partner who as ever , knows the words better than me . I like the way it starts off quite dreamily and then racks up a beat . I went off them at one point as I thought they were too ' soft ' and popular , but I 've gone back to liking them again , so the old Greatest Hits comes out now and again . I quite liked the silhouettes of the couples so yes , arty in this instance . That 's the way the light falls in the Algeciras bus station . A film set in making eh ? They were all mobile photos hence the lack of clarity but they were good enough to create the impression which was what I wanted . Big backpacks yes . I couldn 't work out what nationality they were but certainly looked as though they were doing the Europe summer run . It was nice to look at them and know that I 'd done that too . I do like travelling in Spain . Sure it helps knowing the language , but even when I only had a few words it was still pretty friendly and easy - going . Reply roughseasinthemed says : 12 July 2013 at 7 . 57 am I was exhausted after the first one . The return journey was much easier . Thought I would inflict it on everyone else to get it out of my head . Reply roughseasinthemed says : 12 July 2013 at 8 . 02 am How far is San José from your other place ? Can 't be that far . I love the way passengers just start talking to anyone or even the aire . On the bus from my pueblo to Málaga , one man move seats to start talking to a total stranger and they merrilly chatted all the way into the city . People are also so non - discriminatory to non - Spanish speakers , ie me . They listen to my faulty Spanish and reply quite happily , chattering away about whatever . I don 't remember buses full of pleasant talk in the UK . You get it in Gib though . Notario ? I wonder if it has any connection with the word notorious ? Reply roughseasinthemed says : 13 July 2013 at 7 . 40 am Bus passengers really are great aren 't they ? Can you imagine people being bothered with a Spaniard trying to speak English on a bus in the UK ? My best teachers were my neighbours , the television ( mainly the news and soaps ) , and my linguaphone tapes . I highly recommend linguaphone for any language ( I have the portuguese tapes too - I just don 't have something to listen to them on as Partner decided to throw out the walkman because it wasn 't working well ) . I did chat to some people I knew on the bus in my mum 's village , and Partner talked to the bus driver on a long journey to Leeds , but people don 't normally talk to strangers , in my experience , that 's the main difference . And there is no concept of social class on Spanish buses . That 's what Ilike . Most English - people I know who live in Spain despise the bus and can 't wait to buy a car so they don 't have to mix with the lower echelons . Nor do they offer lifts once they have that car , they will wave at you and drive merrily past , while our Spanish neighbours invariably stop and ask if we want a lift . Sometimes we want the walk , but at others the offer is appreciated and taken up . Only ever had one lift from an English family . Pleased to hear you have your papers . Perhaps even more pleased the notorious does not have your dosh . Feet up , or in a bowl of warm water perhaps ? roughseasinthemed says : 13 July 2013 at 9 . 32 pm Ha ! Exactly . The Brits ( most of them ) look at you quizzically . A rare species who gets the bus ? You can see the question on their forehead - what 's wrong with you ? Are you poor / Mind you , some of the Spanish / american latinos are car obsessed too . They get it when they have to and then jump back into their box on wheels . One wouldn 't want to be lumped with natives would one ? Non WASPs and all that . Do they really call Costa Ricans natives ? : ( For my part , I always feel I 'm getting somewhere when people speak to me in Spanish not English , and assume I am local not on holiday . Says to me I haven 't wasted my time . And if the natives are happy to talk to me , so much the better . Reply EllaDee says : 12 July 2013 at 6 . 47 am I like the way , even when life and buses happen , or not , while you 're busy making other plans , you make it part of an enjoyable journey . I 'm not sure about in the middle of summer and tourist season but a few peaceful hours on a bus sounds great . Actually , I 'd prefer a train , at least here in Australia , as the Greyhound buses are an adventure of the worst kind , I believe . Interesting that the white horse was waiting for his rider . As far as I know , in Australia , drink driving laws apply to being in charge of a horse as well . It looked like a nice horse . I 'd also have given him , the horse , a pat . Reply roughseasinthemed says : 12 July 2013 at 8 . 16 am These days I don 't even bother reading while waiting for a bus , or even when I 'm on one . It 's just as easy to sit , wait , watch , think . There 's a Yorkshire saying that I can 't remember correctly , on the lines of ' Sometimes I sit and think , and sometimes I just sit . ' I did both in Aus , at the time I was more into trains but the buses were perfectly fine . What I don 't recommend is doing buses overnight . I had to do that in NZ because the bus was full and it was so uncomfortable . Buses in Spain are very good and very cheap . They reach more places than the train because of the mountaineous terrain . I had a friend in the UK who got told off for being drunk on his bike but no action was taken against him . In Spain they 've only recently tightened up on drink driving ie treating it as a serious crime . Before it was often just a pat on the back and a warning , although we have a neighbour who often disappears for a while , presumably to jail , after he has been caught yet again . Nice bloke , drives down the old railway track to the bar and then back home . Hardly touches the public highway . Often leaves his keys in the car while he is in the bar . I pity the person who would even think of touching his car , he 's part of an extremely influential family ( and I don 't mean in the good sense ) . Anyway , I doubt the law has even considered drunk in charge of a horse . Or even a pair of draught oxen and we 've seen that too . When I was younger I made the most methodical plans and expected them to work out . They invariably did . With old age comes more flexibility and an acceptance that whatever happens the glass is still half full and not half empty . Reply roughseasinthemed says : 15 July 2013 at 9 . 34 am Just discovered about four of your comments in the spam obv when you were trying to sort out your comp with the techy person ! I added this one because I liked the comment about public transport . Probably on the decline after Beeching . Reply jennypellett says : 15 July 2013 at 10 . 07 am O lordy , now I really do look like a spammer ! Thank you for weeding me out of your spam box - I think it has ( hopefully ) unlocked the problem . Nothing to do with the computer but at least it made me give it a jolly good overhaul ! Reply roughseasinthemed says : 15 July 2013 at 10 . 10 am I figured best not to publish all the other posts ! Just wanted to let you know that all your trial comments from the shop did work , my fault for not checking my spam sooner . Glad to hear you are all OK again . LikeLike Reply adinparadise says : 12 July 2013 at 5 . 19 pm You weren 't really leaving your lover , were you ? I 've read your post through three times , and still am not quite sure why you were going to Malaga . Did I miss something . It sounds like a really exhausting day . : ) Reply roughseasinthemed says : 13 July 2013 at 8 . 14 am Well only temporarily . I did think that when I listened to the song . Although if I ever did , I probably would slip out the back ( Jack ) , hop on the bus ( Gus ) , and I 'd make a new plan ( Stan ) . And I 'm too old to be coy ( Roy ) . I 've got a finca the other side of Málaga , which is why some of my posts are about Spain and some about Gib . ( See strapline to blog about life in Gib and Spain ) . We go back regularly to check it out , sort the garden , feed the chickens , pick up the post and chill out . When he works , I have to go back on my own on the bus . Does that help ? The journey up was somewhat tiring . I stayed five or six days and the journey back was much easier . You can 't do a return journey in a day on the bus . Reply Clare Flourish says : 12 July 2013 at 5 . 37 pm I did not need the video . You gave me one earworm at the start of the post , replaced by another currently playing . Just in case you would like more blogging chums , Bumba stories is good value . He loves buses , and bus conversations . Reply roughseasinthemed says : 13 July 2013 at 8 . 19 am You gave me a new word . Never heard earworm before although goodness knows there are enough of them . A new post ? Top ten earworms ? I like to add music occasionally . It 's good to listen to it on other sites sometimes , I heard an excellent song yesterday that I didn 't know ( Judy Collins ) and listened to a number of times . Hey , there could be someone out there who doesn 't know S & G . Reply roughseasinthemed says : 13 July 2013 at 9 . 11 am I did look it up . It 's quite scary to find there are so many new words and terms that you don 't know . Makes you feel out of touch - which I probably am . Nothing worse than waiting if you don 't have ( a ) someone to talk with ( which you did ) or ( b ) a good book to get lost in . I 'm presently reading " Reality is Broken , " by Jane McGonigal . It will spawn at least one blog post if I ever get time . Interesting adventure , though , and in the end it was not as bad as it could have been . Too bad , though , about the crappy bus policies . Not much better over here , I 'm afraid . We are falling victim to the " Everyone Drives Their Own Vehicle " mentality . Me - I LOVE public transportation when it works like it does in other Canadian cities like Montreal . Reply roughseasinthemed says : 13 July 2013 at 8 . 36 am I think you are spending a penny ? Yes ? ( Old fashioned term in English for going to the toilet because public ones used to cost a penny - dread to think what they cost nowadays , I think it is 50p or a quid in gib ! ! ) . Cent would actually apply though as it is centimos in Spain with the euro . My waiting tolerance has gone up hugely over the years . As a kid , I couldn 't bear waiting for the bus , and would time it down to the last minute to arrive at the bus stop . Life changed when I went to India . I learned how to wait . I used to read when waiting , or do a sudoku from a free paper , but now , I can just sit and wait . Old age eh ? Your book sounds a bit serious , I 've got a load of book reviews to add too . Spain went through a ( rich ) phase of revamping lots of bus stations and I was fully expecting Estepona to get a new one , instead it gets scrapped : ( I like bus stations . The timetables for buses are illogical . In some places ( eg the Canaries ) you get buses first thing in the morning , lunchtime and evening . I can understand that . But the ones from La Linea go at 8 . 50 , 10 . 30 , 16 . 30 and 19 . 00 . Crazy . No sense to that at all . Coming back there is one at 11 . 00 and one at 11 . 30 . Then nothing until 14 . 00 . They are obviously scheduled to fit in with something but certainly not passengers : D Having moaned about that though , Spain does have good bus services . I think it dates from the days when hardly anyone had a car and if they didn 't use the bus they rode their donkey . Interestingly as there is less money around , more people are on their bikes again , and motos too . Although we have far too many vehicles ( three Land Rovers ) , we only use one for essentials - going back to the finca together and taking the dog ( can 't do that on the bus ) , and loading up with shopping when he is working . Otherwise , it 's walk , cycle , bus . Public transport has an unfair and undeserved bad reputation . People should use it more than they do . I think your environment and population makes it difficult but here in Gib it 's easy to use . There are limited services to villages in the mountains in Spain but they still exist , you just need to fit your journeys around them . Not everyone can do that in today 's society . Reply Maurice A . Barry says : 13 July 2013 at 2 . 43 pm My Irish - born mom always used that phrase ! I 'd totally forgotten it . Thank you for awakening so many fond memories ! You are correct about the population density here being a big factor on why the buses are not so popular . Even in the city , though , Metrobus is not nearly as good as it could be and it 's not the fault of the municipal government ; the system is well maintained and managed . The problem is that not enough people opt to use it owing to that " I must use my own car " mentality . Consider my case : family of six and one vehicle . I spend a lot of time taxiing people here and there for work and university and would dearly love to put most of that back on public transit . My office at Memorial ( where three of my kids also attend ) is about 10 minutes away by car ( on a low - traffic run ; it 's usually more like 15 - 20 minutes in traffic ) but the bus run would be about 1 : 40 ! If I caught the 7 : 30 am bus at the end of my street I 'd get there at 9 : 10 , 40 minutes late ! The bus is geared up for the few shoppers , not work - commuters . Madness ! So , instead we all commute . Wife : 8 : 00am , me : 8 : 30 . Three boys , in with me during the academic terms ( which is how it should be - otherwise they 'd be in bed until the last minute ) . All of this is punctuated by runs out here and there to drop any of the three to their part - time jobs , as needed . It should not be that way ! That sort of stuff is why we have metro bus in the first place ! Going to get another vehicle in the fall … Oh , and the big cost is not paying for the thing ; it 's keeping it insured and running . Presently with me and OH on the van it 's about $ 1100 per year for insurance and about $ 5500 per year for gas . If I put the lads on the thing for insurance it jumps to about $ 2500 / y and the gas , well , … lord save us ! Reply roughseasinthemed says : 13 July 2013 at 3 . 12 pm Back when I was a kid , it was a polite phrase , because you couldn 't possibly talk about anything as graphic as going to the toilet . There is such snobbery around buses . And so many pre - conceptions . Or mis - conceptions . Everyone who uses them is either a raving lefty ( true in my case ) , or dirty , smelly , poor and not to be mixed with . Not true at all . Car is about status . Personal space . Freedom . etc etc . Recently we had a new road made in Gib . It 's clear that planners don 't walk or bus because the obvious thing to do was add a couple of zebras at appropriate places . Months later they did . When I started work , I didn 't have a licence so got two buses to work . And walked to all my interviews . No hardship . Later with car , ( when I put on weight although probably still borderline BMI skinny ) , I used to give a colleague a lift . Slightly out of the way but not much . I lost patience when she started telling me what time to pick her up because she 'd washed her hair and wanted to dry it at the office and blah blah yawn . In my last job I had a lease car for work , but chucked it . Apart from the fact that sciatica made driving difficult , I was doing less mileage for work , preferred public transport and the bus was a hell of sight cheaper than the lease car cost per month . ' You 'll never last ' said my secretary sagely . She was wrong . I bought a big coat and some boots and waited happily at the bus stop in snow and rain . Some colleague offered me lifts . Others drove past with their noses in the air . Cities are easy , although depending on where you want to go , it can take a long time and connections , but in the country ? Difficult . The Canaries had it right . Buses in the morning for work , lunchtime to go home , and then later back to work , and another bus in the evening . If buses were built around commuters would more people use them ? Doubt that . That insurance is wicked . Thought ours was dear . Our Landy is £ 400 - 500 , and that is fully comp and commercial . Insured for both of us . We probably spend around £ 500 a year on diesel . We do low mileage , and only run one vehicle at a time so only one lot of insurance . The other two are off the road . 2 - the crazy insurance economics . A fool in a truck passed me a few months ago going way to fast . Flicked a big rock at the windshield and I had to replace it . At the glass place I asked how much the insurance would be paying : $ 650 . I then asked what it would be if I came in without insurance and was willing to pay cash : $ 400 ! ! ! Insurance companies don 't really make $ $ $ on the premiums directly ; those are carefully collected to be 100 % payouts . Instead they make money from holding our money for short periods so if the premiums are high it 's because we , collectively , are using it up . Hmmm - I bet , though , that insurance companies invest heavily in companies like that auto - glass outfit and such , eh ? A nice profitable vertically - integrated market for sure . We got some new glass a couple of years ago . € 350 more or less . I dislike insurance at the best of times . If it wasn 't compulsory I wouldn 't have it . You sound like my MBA course with your vertical integration : D petspeopleandlife says : 13 July 2013 at 3 . 51 am I 'm so sorry that I have not been in touch iwth you . Lots happening . I 've only read part of your post and It is quite interesting . I 'll need to return when I feel better . I have wondered if I had missed some posts . Please see my reply to you over on / in my blog . Reply roughseasinthemed says : 13 July 2013 at 7 . 18 am Thanks Y . Don 't worry about readiing / replying , look after yourself . I 've read and replied on yours . I doubt you have missed anything . I 'm on my ' summer hours ' schedule which basically means I 'm unpredictable . Very bad blogging technique apparently but who cares ? Basically means I post less and sporadically but I do try and keep up with comments on selected blogs , although it is often a splurge all at once . Chin up . Reply roughseasinthemed says : 13 July 2013 at 12 . 08 pm A long post , but there again , it was a long journey . Thanks . The TCs make the journey more of an adventure though don 't they ? I still think it was sweet of the man to invite me for a drink but a session in the bar couldn 't compete with wanting to get home to Pippa . The horse was beautiful . I fell in love with him instantly . He was so quiet and gentle . There are so many horses around where we live , they are part of the scenery but I can 't resist saying hello to them . I wonder if non - English speaking people talk to / stroke strange animals ? It 's usually Brits I notice doing it . As I said above , I went off S & G at one point thinking they were a bit soppy , but with comes . . well , something , and I realise that their music was rather better composed than I 'd originally realised . I love the rhythmic intro to that one as well . How do you mean old for it ? ! I used to come home from work as a journalist and throw myself in front of the TV to watch captain Pugwash . Still watch some of the youtube clips now . A does a mean imitation of captain P shivering his timbers or whatever he used to say . Reply bluonthemove says : 13 July 2013 at 6 . 54 pm I 've never really done long distance bus journeys , always seemed easier to take the train . I 've criss crossed Europe many times on trains during years of business travel ; never wanted to hire a car as you had the hassle of trying to find where you were going and then the hassle of parking it when you got there . Internet and GPS has somewhat changed that though . One time when I drove to work , I used to drive past the bus stop a colleague used to get to work . If she had missed her bus and I saw her there , I 'd give her a lift in and she 'd actually get into work before she would if she 'd got the bus . We couldn 't make it a formal arrangement though as I didn 't go into work everyday and was often away for weeks at a time busy criss crossing Europe on trains . Reply roughseasinthemed says : 13 July 2013 at 9 . 46 pm I used train in the past too . My trip around Europe on interrail and most european travel generally . But Spain isn 't suited to trains . I wouldn 't use the bus for long journeys but two or three hours is easy enough . I used to get the bus in London quite a lot . Usually down / up Regent St , or on my way to work after I left the tube station . They were pretty clean and tidy then . Double deckers with a conductor / tress . His idea of getting people out of vehicles and onto public transport wasn 't wrong . The way he went about it was . He probably didn 't know enough about vehicles - or people . I won 't get into the ' let 's scrap a perfectly functioning vehicle because it 's old ' argument on here , because we 've discussed those issues on Clouds . Whereupon I shall do exactly that . We had a couple of inner London jobs . Class work , really enjoyed it . Took Land Rover in to drop off tools and equipment , used tube / train for rest of job , picked up at the end of it . No pollution , minimum personal vehicle use . The ideal is to get personal commuters to use public transport , and to get workers to take their tools to the job to start and complete and use pt inbetween . And for the bloody schoolkids to use pt too . But that 's just my view . Reply timethief says : 14 July 2013 at 7 . 50 pm I do enjoy reading about your adventures . They are so far removed from the way I live . There is no public transit here and I haven 't been on a bus ride for years . My traveling tales , if I took the time to recount them would be focused on traveling by ferry . OK , so I had to wait . But , at the end of the day , I had a good journey , had chance to get a decent tapa , and arrived home safely . Can 't ask for more . I am a huge advocate for public transport . It makes such a difference to our environment . I can 't call myself environmental if I jump in a car every five minutes when there is an alternative . LikeLike Reply cobbies69 says : 16 July 2013 at 11 . 10 am Hey , , i never thought I could enjoy a story about a bus ride , , a few added twists it could be a Hitchcock thriller … smiling . . I loved this very much , I was looking at the Google map of the Gib and waters , mostly because I had watched the recent Gib program , , and wondered , , could you have taken a ferry of sorts , , or I presume that there was not a ferry . . but the reason I looked as I say the program covered mostly the fishing waters and the Spanish ignoring the rules . You know this because of the post you wrote anyway . But the program actually brought it home a little more because they followed police launches and the capturing of Spanish fishermen . Also a rather poor painter called Queenie ' , she was asked to paint a couple of chihuahua 's of the only mortician on the island . He dresses them up in clothes , mostly pink , I will not say my thoughts on this . Anyway the paintings were crap , and the mortician thought so to . How she got a reputation as a good painter is beyond belief . [ hoping you do not know her , if so I apologise , , heehee ! ] And again the program followed the Ape controller . But the best bit was the local band called the ' Noize ' playing the first ever open concert starring Jessie J . . Reply roughseasinthemed says : 16 July 2013 at 11 . 27 am I like to think I am the world 's expert on buses : D The truth is , I do enjoy it . Total adventure . Meeting strangers , a fleeting conversation , and off elsewhere . Sit on the bus and watch the world go by . Mmmmm . Bus faster . Only ferry to Spain was across the bay to Algeciras but was stopped because it was unprofitable . Also one to Morocco at weekends . Thanks for the update on the Gib progs . I 'm surprised they covered the fishing dispute , from previous accounts it had sounded quite light but the fishing issue is serious . Thanks Gerry . You can call me what you want . I get Rough , Roughseas , Ms Gib , and probably other names that I 'm not aware of . And ms by Lady BB ( a moody blues reference ) . Anything goes apart from Mrs . Reply cobbies69 says : 16 July 2013 at 5 . 12 pm Thanks for this , I did think ' Rough ' but I wondered , , if you see my point , , smiling . . I was just trying to seek a name that was nice and original , , , , so from now on then ' K ' it is . . I was aware of MS , , something good with meaning … this story the more I think the more I like and hope you do more in the future , , silly expression that really , , ' cos you ain 't gonna do it in the past are ya ' but a story comes to mind in reference to buses , more a depot for me . Our depot in Lymington where many a cold night was spent , giving the local travellers a free gig . . friends and I spent so much time in our teens , and crashing out on the back of buses . This depot is now being sold for development . No doubt rich peoples flats . . I had put a reminder to do a post about it , Infact my friend who now lives in Seattle emailed me about doing one in remembrance , , , so you ' K ' you have inspired me , , one for the FUTURE … Thanks . . ; ) Travel tales appear as and when . I wrote this one up because it took Sooooo long to get home because of just missing a bus at every bus station . And then when I walked home up the street , everything was fine . At 11 . 30pm . I used to sleep on the back seats a lot when I did this run before , but these days , I tend to sit opposite the door so I can jump out FIRST . Plus , back seat journeys weren 't improved when a woman said she didn 't like bus travel and vomited all over the floor . I haven 't written that one up . Or maybe I have . Reply roughseasinthemed says : 24 July 2013 at 8 . 23 pm Hatiha Jo . That 's why I have lots of blogs . Take your pick . Or pic . Reply restlessjo says : 24 July 2013 at 8 . 41 pm Cheers ! It 's on the list . ( not Casablanca - too late to find Bogey ) : ) Reply roughseasinthemed says : 25 July 2013 at 8 . 34 am Well that comment must have imprinted itself on my mind . I ended up dreaming about writing a blog post - especially for you - about Morocco ! I better get on with it at some point . I 'll put it on everypic if that makes it easier for you ; ) I visit a private blog called ' After hours at Rick 's ' . The theme is black and white and there is a picture of Bogey at the top . I think it is so clever , I admire it every time I read it . It 's a bit of an élite circle so I don 't know how I weasled my way in . He 's a good writer though and I enjoy his posts ( how annoying am I ? ) . But there are no photos , and he can write long posts , so maybe it wouldn 't be your thing ? restlessjo says : 25 July 2013 at 9 . 20 am Depends on the content . Sorry for delay - I 'm playing with some galleries . You 've probably gone ! See you next time . : ) Recent Comments Andrew Petcher on Spain - Gib - and Brexit ( part … davidprosser on Spain - Gib - and Brexit ( part … Sharon Bonin - Pratt on Spain - Gib - and Brexit ( part … petspeopleandlife on Spain - Gib - and Brexit ( part … Helen Devries on Spain - Gib - and Brexit ( part … colonialist on WordPress . Gotta love it . Diana on Spain - Gib - and Brexit ( part … Top Posts & Pages Spain - Gib - and Brexit ( part two ) Gibraltar and Brexit ( part one ) Olive pate - quick , cheap , easy , and excellent Axles and diffs . . . Ejes y diffs Vichyssoise and Kenwoods Are we safe in Gibraltar ? Housing prices in Gib - rent or buy ? International Day of the Podenco Tosceeeeta ! Follow roughseasinthemed on WordPress . com
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Although he has one of the more enviable jobs on the planet , producing mega - selling albums for the likes of Motley Crue , Bon Jovi , Michael Bublé and Metallica ( including the latter 's 1991 self - titled 30 - million - seller ) , Bob Rock admits that the role of big - time record maker wasn 't his first career choice . " When I was a kid growing up in Winnipeg , it was all about hockey for me , " says Rock . " I was such a fan . For a while there , hockey was everything . " Like it was for millions of children of the ' 60s , Rock 's world changed dramatically when he caught sight of The Beatles and The Rolling Stones on TV . Practically overnight , the kid who could never get a hockey stick out of his hands was now cutting out cardboard guitars and miming Fab Four songs with his friends . " We stood on our desks in school and did Twist And Shout , " says Rock . " From that point on , I was obsessed with music . " Rock got himself a real guitar and played in bands throughout his teens . In 1973 , he traveled to England with his friends Paul Hyde and William Alexander to test out the musical waters on the other side of the pond . " We tried to become rock stars , " says Rock . " That didn 't work out , do I came back to Canada and started working construction . " Fascinated by the sound of certain records ( " The Beatles , The Beach Boys , Led Zeppelin - and Queen . Queen were a huge influence " ) , Rock took an introductory recording course and landed a job at Vancouver 's Little Mountain Sound Studios . " I was making tape copies and cleaning up - things like that , " he says . Around the same time , Rock and Hyde were making waves with their new pop - punk band The Payola $ . " Paul and I could actually play , " says Rock . " With punk , it was all about attitude . " The band signed to A & M , and Rock , who by now had graduated to assistant engineer at Little Mountain , produced their initial recordings . Despite several hits in Canada and a couple of flirtations with the US charts , The Payola $ failed to achieve mainstream success ( by 1987 , they were known as Rock and Hyde , and eventually , Prev " Being in The Payolas was really the foundation of anything I 've done . It was me learning how to make records , how to write songs , what structure meant - along with everything about the music business . Of course , working with a writer like Paul Hyde , whose integrity was always right there , was very good for me . " The whole period of The Payolas was life - changing , and my time with Mick Ronson in the studio was huge . [ Ronson produced the band 's 1982 effort , No Stranger To Danger . ] He was the kind of guy I strived to be . " The name of the band insulted the people at the record company . Charlie Minor , who ended up being murdered by a stripper , was the head promo guy at A & M in the States , and he told us , ' I 'm never going to do a fucking thing for you . Your name is an insult to what I do for a living . ' He said that with a smile on his face , even though he did help us a bit . " The people at the record companies didn 't like the first generation of punk . They didn 't see what they were starting to develop . Going to clubs and getting spit on wasn 't for them ; it was different from going to strip clubs with hot babes and cocaine and that whole ' money , money , money ' thing . " But without The Payolas , I wouldn 't be doing what I do now . It was very important to my development and career . " " They cut the drums and basics at another place , and I recorded the vocals and mixed it . I had worked on the band 's first album , too . This record was the first hit I ever had . Working For The Weekend was the first number one song hit in America for me . So this was huge for me . " On this record , I got a chance to work with a band that had really great players . They tutored me and pushed me to be a better mixer . Paul Dean , especially , was really on my case , but he made me think and listen and work on my craft . " It 's funny : About two years ago , I was working with a band in Nashville , and while mixing I said to myself , ' I 'm going to put on Working For The Weekend . I have to see if I 've gotten any better . ' I put it on , and I swear to God , everything about it sonically sounded exactly the same . So I hear music the same way I did 30 years ago . It was really interesting . Working For The Weekend is an amazing song , it really is . " " After Bruce and I did Loverboy , we started to get attention . Bon Jovi were beginning to get big - I saw them in Circus and Rock Scene and Creem . People were talking about them . They came up to Vancouver , and we did the whole thing in six weeks , recorded and mixed . " The band had songs written , and they came in like a gang from New Jersey to do pre - production . But they had fun , too : they invaded all the strip joints and completely obliterated the city . We recorded all of the basics in the studio live off the floor . Everything was done very quickly . " When Bruce and I finished it , we thought the song that could be a hit was Livin ' On A Prayer . I remember having a conversation with him at the board , and he said , ' Well , I hope the record goes gold so we can get some more work . ' [ Laughs ] That 's as high as we were aiming . " The record was one of those magical things where everything works . The engineering and mixing that I did , everything Bruce did , the way the band wrote with Desmond Child - it all came together . We tried to do the same thing with the album New Jersey , but it just wasn 't the same . " " To me , Aerosmith were part of the same scene as the New York Dolls and KISS . They were one of my favorite bands . The opportunity to work with them was just beyond . " At this point , my relationship with Bruce was starting to dissolve , mainly because of money . Working with him on Aerosmith was right at the time of the split . I knew what I was bringing to the table , and it wasn 't being appreciated . I left to go on the road with my band just before we started vocals . I told the guys , ' I just can 't do this . I can 't be treated this way . ' And so I left . " There were days when Bruce would go home for dinner , and I 'd be sitting with the band . I was in the studio , and Aerosmith were right there with me . It was like , ' Oh my God ! ' You can 't even imagine how that felt . Steven Tyler and Joe Perry knew my name , for God 's sake . [ Laughs ] " I did my best to make them sound as good as I could , because I was a fan . I was starting to form a lot of my ideas about production at this time . Just being with Joe Perry and Brad Whitford , sitting there and working on guitar sounds - unbelievable ! Plus they 'd pull out all of these guitars I knew from pictures . It was great . " The record was huge for me . Once again , the songs were there . Some of them were written with other people , and that was a little weird for me because they were very commercial - it didn 't feel like the Aerosmith that I loved . But it was still great , though . Totally amazing . " " I had done Bon Jovi and a band called Kingdom Come , and those were the two albums that made Billy Duffy say , ' This is a guy we should try . ' Basically , I worked with Ian Astbury and Billy , and we made a record . It 's the album where I really became better at being a producer . " From Loverboy and the other things I was doing , I was more of a sonic producer . It was a learning process for me in terms of how to work with a band and get the best out of them . I was starting to get into things like arrangements during pre - production . " Fire Woman was two songs that they had that were sort of OK in terms of feel , but we put them together to make a really great song . Putting them together was me thinking of arrangements . " I got Mickey Curry from Bryan Adams 's band to play drums , and from there I really just tried to capture the energy of The Cult . But it was also about me working with very strong personalities like Billy and Ian - a real writing duo . " " This came about because of Doc McGhee , who managed Bon Jovi and who also managed Motley . When it came around to their needing to change up , they thought of me . They sent me a demo tape , and I was with my wife , Angie , when I put it on . The first song was Dr . Feelgood , and I went , ' Whoa ! This is not like the Crue . . . ' [ Laughs ] It wasn 't like the band that I knew at all . " The part of them I liked was the New York Dolls kind of glam vibe ; the whole Shout At The Devil thing wasn 't big for me . But when I met them , especially Tommy and Nikki , they thought that their music was as good as Lep Zeppelin 's or the Stones ' . " I saw that they were sober and had been so for a few months . I never knew them before that , when they were partying . They had to be sober - or else they were done . They 'd burned so many bridges , and they were in trouble . So I caught a band that knew they had to deliver big - time . It was a real make - or - break time , and this would be them at their best . Tommy Lee really pushed me sonically . He said , ' I want this to be the biggest , most badass thing ever . ' And that 's what I tried to do . " Once again , I was developing and building arrangements and songs . I established a very close relationship with Nikki Sixx . I 'm friends with all of them , but especially with Nikki . He was the guy in the band who was like the Lars Ulrich . " " The truth is , it 's much like how Motley happened . At the time , Metallica didn 't mean a whole lot to me . I knew about them - I saw skater kids with T - shirts and things - but when I listened to the And Justice album , I said , ' Where 's the bottom end ? ' I didn 't like the sound of it . " But they flew up to Vancouver with their cassette tape and played me their songs , and I said , ' Well , this I could do . I know what to do with this . ' Sonically , and in terms of production , I was just trying to make a great record . There was no conception at the beginning like , ' I 'm going to change them . ' We just made a no - compromise record . They wanted to go to the plate with what the album is . Regardless of the fans , we made the best possible record that we could . It wasn 't me guiding them . " In terms of sonics , that 's what they really wanted from me . They said it to me , from what I did on Dr . Feelgood and Sonic Temple and Bon Jovi and a record I did for The Electric Boys . They loved those albums , and they wanted the power of Dr . Feelgood . " The thing was , James had songs that he actually had to sing - things like Nothing Else Matters and The Unforgiven . He didn 't know how to sing - all he did before was yell . This was the basis of our friendship . I taught him what I knew . We took the time to get the record to that they wanted and what I wanted . " I love the Black Album . It 's probably the only record I 've ever done that made a difference culturally across the board . It changed a lot of things . " " The music scene had changed . In a way , Bon Jovi didn 't really matter . They were still huge , but their music wasn 't a slam - dunk . Basically , the band came to me because of the Black Album . They wanted to change up . " It was a different process from when I worked with them and Bruce Fairbairn . The songs were different , but it wasn 't the easiest record to make . I think there are some good points on it , and there are some OK points on it . " We had discussions about what was going on . The band knew they had to make a different kind of record ; that they had to dig deep into a new way of songwriting and the way the record sounded . The production changed because it had to change . The band was different , too . They weren 't ' the gang ' anymore - it was Jon and the band . It was him running the show and being in charge . I was making a Jon Bon Jovi record with the band . But considering what it did , the record kind of kept them alive . I 'm very proud of the album and what I did . " " Load was supposed to be a double album of 36 songs . Here , too , the band was different . Bands are kind of like family or a marriage ; there 's kids , and everybody 's trying to get the house and whatever . You 're doing this thing , you 've built the house , but then people have to deal with one another . When I first met Metallica , they were a well - oiled machine working towards being the biggest band in the world . When they accomplished that , it all changed . " After the Black Album , they were the biggest band in the world . They toured for two years , and then when they got off the road , it was ' Let 's go make another album . ' But James hadn 't had any time to write . He was writing while we were putting tracks together . With the Black Album , there were demos . Stuff was there . For Load and ReLoad , it was ideas . " The way they worked , the songs they wrote - it was a new perspective , especially for James . We were doing 36 songs , and , well , he had to write lyrics for all of them . After a year , we had four songs written - we had all the tracks but only four of them were complete - and so the decision was made to cut it in half . I took it to New York so James could concentrate on writing . " I remember talking to him . ' What 's going on ? ' I asked him . ' Have you lost inspiration ? ' And he looked at me and said , ' There 's plenty of hate in me left , Bob . ' " I 've often said that , during my time with Metallica , I never had the same band I had with the Black Album . Everything was different . Which is great - that 's life . You can try to do the same thing as before , but you really can 't . " " I liked the record they did that had the song Seether . They had Metallica 's management company , Q - Prime , and they had girls in the band - Nina and Louise . To me , this was one of those records that was fun to make . Great people , a great experience , and it was successful . " It was almost like making Slippery When Wet - there was no drama . ' Let 's record it , let 's mix it - boom . ' Sonically , Nina could come out and say , ' Fuck , I wanna sound like the Black Album ! ' She and I had that common ground ; it wasn 't me talking them into anything . Now , a couple of the members worried about that - they liked the aesthetic they had . But I don 't know how to do ' cool . ' I just do what I do . " Actually , their roots were in some of the bands I 've recorded , and I go back to what I 've talked about before , with groups who wanted to make the best records they could make . They didn 't want to sell themselves short . That 's the essence of where Veruca Salt were at the time . " " I had met Bryan when he was 16 and in a band called Sweeney Todd , so I knew him for a long time . Growing up in Vancouver , I was involved in all sorts of things with him . But when I went to do this album , I really do believe that he still saw me as an assistant engineer . It was very tough for me . He didn 't really let me do what I do . He fought me on everything . " I think it was also because of his time with Mutt Lange . Bryan knew that he had to change things up . He was writing with different people . He wasn 't working with Jim Vallance , and he wasn 't writing with Mutt , either . That was the difference . I don 't think Bryan was really confident in the record . I think he was trying to figure out what the hell he was supposed to do , how he was going to move forward without Mutt or Jim Vallance . " In a funny way , he and Vallance had a bit of a Joe Perry - Steven Tyler relationship , or a Jagger - Richards relationship . They wrote songs together , and at some point it didn 't work ; they didn 't like each other personally for a while . They 've been writing again , and I 've done some songs with Bryan , and it 's a lot better now . Things have to change , and people have to change , for it to work again . " Having said all of that , I like the record . It was transitional , and it was good . It had only one hit , the Spice Girl song [ When You 're Gone , featuring Melanie C ] , but the rest of it is really good . It 's very listenable . " " St . Anger is a fragmented record by a fragmented band . I just couldn 't do Load , ReLoad , the same sound . I couldn 't set the drums up exactly the same . This is me saying , ' I can 't do this again . ' And they were fine with that because they were like , ' We don 't want to do that again . ' They were searching . " The biggest problem with the record is that we didn 't have James . James didn 't write the songs in the same way he did that made the band successful . He had his issues to deal with , and so we made the best record that we could at that time . " Also , there was a change in music . Lars was very influenced by System Of A Down , where there are no guitar solos . Guitar solos were changing , too - there was Tom Morello from Rage Against The Machine . They weren 't wah - wah , super - fast solos . There were all of these things , and a band that was searching for something different . " When I heard the band in rehearsal , there was a rawness to them that was really cool . The drum sound on the record is a rehearsal drum sound . It was supposed to be them in a garage . It doesn 't work in terms of the rule of metal , and the rules that people have established for that kind of genre , which basically I kicked against , because it doesn 't mean anything to me . This was my version of The Stooges ' Raw Power , only with Metallica . " The record had to be made so they could be happy with what they do . I was the sacrificial lamb . I always wanted the band that I had for the Black Album , and I never got that band again . But if people want me to say I regret what I did , I don 't . I made it more as a friend , as somebody who was supporting guys who were struggling . That 's probably not the greatest career move , but I 'm fine with it . " The result of that , the man that James Hetfield is today , was worth it . I 'd do it all over exactly the same . He 's a great man and father now , so that 's what 's most important . " " But two people have come up to me and told me how much they liked St . Anger : Jimmy Page and Jack White . Prev " The thing about The Tragically Hip is , they 're an iconic Canadian band that never really had the kind of success anywhere else that they 've had in Canada . To me , it 's about the relationship with the singer [ Gordon Downie ] , who is a very good friend of mine now . I like the band , but I didn 't really understand them much . " When I did the record - and I think it 's one of their strongest - I really forced them to write good songs and do the work . I tried to make a record that was cohesive and to bring out the best things about the band . I really challenged them , because I thought that 's what was needed . So this is the one record where I did go in with a conscience ' this - is - what - I 'm - going - to - do ' kind of thing . I wanted them to live up to their potential . " The band was comfortable in where they were . When I came in , I think it became difficult for them . Coming from my history with bands , and thinking of The Who and Led Zeppelin and the Stones - bands that all wanted to be the biggest in the world , that wanted to be on the radio and wanted to change people 's lives ' - that 's what I believed . I still believe in that , and I push for that . " " I did the single called Everything . I got involved with Michael because he 's managed by Bruce Allen , my manager . Michael was doing the album , and the producer , David Foster , thought that the song Everything was a piece of shit . So Bruce said , ' I want you to go cut this song with Michael Bublé , ' and I said , ' Sure . ' " When I heard it , Michael and I talked about it , and we made some changes . So we cut one song , and that song was a hit . Michael was going , ' This is the guy from Metallica ? ' But he didn 't know my history . Most people just know you from your biggest record . " " I did one song on Call Me Irresponsible , five songs on Crazy Love , and now I 'm doing all of his new album . You know , doing this kind of record seemed perfectly natural to me . It 's just different players , different sounds . I love records - not just rock records but all kinds . And with Michael , I just make the kind of records that he wants to hear . " This time was challenging to me because there was a lot of big band and orchestral stuff , but I just went with musicians , arrangers and people that I trusted ; and at the end of the day , it really isn 't that much different from working with the other great artists that I have , like Bryan Adams and Bon Jovi and Metallica and Aerosmith . " Michael Bublé is a rock star , man . He 's a fucking rock star . " " The thing about this record that 's so great is , Michael loves everything that I loved as a child . Those songs , his voice - that 's what I grew up with ; that 's what my parents listened to . It was a part of my life . The Dean Martin TV show , Bing Crosby , the Christmas specials , all that stuff - it 's always been there for me . So doing this wasn 't odd for me . It was easy . " We started the record right after Christmas , and we worked through the full year . And let me tell you the difference between a Michael Bublé Christmas record and a lot of other Christmas records : He made a serious Christmas record . He didn 't just phone it in , which is what a lot of other people do - they do a quick cover , and that 's it . He took this seriously , which is why it 's a great record . Nothing was half - assed ; it was ' We 're making a real record . ' " It 's funny : When I was working with Metallica , because those records took so long and were so all - encompassing , I didn 't really do a lot of other styles of music . Since I 've stopped working with them , I 've worked with a lot of different styles - Michael being one of them . And I forgot what I loved about being an engineer in the earlier days , recording gospel , recording country , and that 's the fact that I just love making records . I love music . And I 'm going to continue as long as the industry and the people who make records want me to do what I do . I 've met amazing people , amazing musicians . It 's staggering . "
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Priceless Junk was created when I was a high school student back home in Bangalore . This blog has always been very close to my heart albeit its ups and downs over the course of many years . I originally fell in love with blogging because it provided me an opportunity to open up myself ( and my life ) to a tiny part of this world . Turning over a new leaf is my attempt to get back to the roots with a fresh start . I have been wanting to write about science and education ( among other things ) for a long time now and I don 't think Priceless Junk is the right platform to do that anymore . The last year has changed me to a huge extent and I just can 't relate to this persona any longer . I enjoyed my time here as an ambivert , confused high school and college student who was trying to figure herself out . The past year has given me a great deal of exposure , perspective , confidence and determination to renew my attitude towards life . Priceless Junk encompasses one phase of me and now it 's time to move on to the next . I no longer feel the need to bury this space under the deep dark corners of the web . I am truly grateful that I had the chance to share my thoughts with you all . I have known some of you longer than I 've known my friends , and it delights me to witness all of us moving ahead in all directions to achieve greater things ! It has been a month since I started a new chapter of my life as a graduate student in a foreign land . What may I tell you about it ? I have been meaning to put my experiences into words for the blog but it seems so hard to write now . Please help me get back to this hobby that I once loved dearly . I 'd very much like to contain my memories in this tiny part of the blogosphere . Let 's see where this takes me . This part of my life is called Phase 3 . After school and college , it 's now time for university . Time to get real . Time to put the " i " in individualism . The other day , someone asked me why I 'd stopped blogging . I am getting old and conscious of revealing my life openly on the web , that 's why . Seeing an old post of mine being shared on facebook was so embarrassing . I had to edit half of the text and correct a few lines to make it seem decent enough for the people who were going to stumble upon it . When I started blogging many years ago , I used to do it for me - simply to record random ( un ) interesting occurrences in my life . Anyway , because I don 't talk about myself a lot on here these days and maybe you guys want to know what 's going on with me ( maybe not ? oh well ) , here it is . I have a week left in Bangalore before I take - off to Indiana and survive all by myself . It took me long time to realize what all of this really meant . I am finally flying away from my protective humble abode to go out there and create myself . It is scary and exciting at the same time . I am currently packing away my life into suitcases . I wish I could take with me everything that I have here , but I can 't . Life from now is going to be hard and painful . This has also made me realize how I took everything for granted here . Learning to take care of things that belong to me , show responsibility and gratitude is what I have to learn first . Series of illustrations that unites the human anatomy with nature . These are just a couple of ideas . I hope someone somewhere comes up with a better , more artistic version of these . I 'd love to see something like that . Have you ever felt like you are so confused with yourself that you need to catch hold of every opportunity that comes your way and experiment with different things simultaneously ? This is exactly my life at the moment . The problem with me is I get into a lot of things , with enthusiasm at first and eagerness to know what the outcome is going to be . I 'm not complaining . Some of the best things that have happened to me so far have been a result of this random experimentation . When I walked into the college gates on the first day , I was a confident person and was pretty clear about the decisions that I 'd made in the past couple of months that year . Now , after four years , I find myself lost again , unsure of which path to take . I 've met people who 've always been focussed about what they expect from life . People who can see themselves working at a specific company or studying at a particular university five years down the line . I 've grown up with such people from high school . Sometimes I feel all the freedom that I 've received , like the freedom to choose whichever field to pursue , etc , has left me spoilt for choices . Maybe the best thing to do right now is to not over - think things and just dive into an uncertain future . An exciting future filled with infinite number of possibilities ! This is actually a long time back . Nidhi and I were featured on Deccan Chronicle for our Delhi vs Bangalore project . Just thought I 'll leave this here … . ( click through to read ) . I recently got acquainted with this girl for my project work . She is sweet , polite and some - what oblivious to many new things ( like technology , etc ) . At the same time , she is very street smart . A thing about her that caught my attention the most was that she prays before every meal that she has . We 've been having lunch together everyday , and before she digs in , she takes a minute to close her eyes and pray to her god - Jesus . Today , I asked her what she says in her prayer . She said she thanks Jesus for the food , asks him to take care of her family and friends , asks him to help the poor , and thanks him for everything in general . I felt very uneasy at that moment not knowing how to react and just smiled . I would generally think like this - thank my dad for his job for that provides money to my family ( and thus becomes the source of my lunch money ) , humans take care of other humans ( so I should take care of my parents and vice versa ) and accept the reality of the world ( poverty , hunger , draught , inflation , etc ) . But then , I got thinking - she is smart and well educated to be aware of the world . Why would she feel the need to escape ? How could she actually believe that Jesus had only 23 chromosomes ( she really told me this ! ) especially having studied biology in such depth ? The answer is - religion is not as feeble as we think it is . Sometimes , people have the need to rely on something - or someone - to convince themselves that hope and faith can be powerful . They are not delusional . They are aware and wide awake . If praying gives them strength , so be it . If religion lessens their burdens , so be it . I have never been a very religious person ( except when I think praying to ' god ' is the last resort to make something really happen ) . I don 't get the idea of having to pray to some supernatural being for the food we consume or the clothes we wear . I guess I 'm just grateful for my folks for having the luxuries that I have . I am not against any religious people or their beliefs , I just don 't agree with them . We did have such prayers in school in the mornings and before lunch breaks . Everybody just lets go of such things once they move on in life . But I have a sense of respect and appreciation for those who stick on to it . It takes a lot to be regularly dedicated to something , let alone your religion . Even if it 's something that 's as simple as praying . The tradition of praying in the mornings and before meals exists in many families even today . I think it teaches people to respect things and other beings . It teaches them to have compassion and appreciate the things they have in life . I have reality checks about these things too , but never through religion . I may never follow it , but seeing someone else humbly follow it doesn 't disturb me . Everyone has different ways to cope with the world . I never knew growing plants was such a hard thing to do . At first , we had to get the right sized pots , appropriate soil along with organic manure , and seeds ( everything that we bought from the fantabulous nursery at Lalbagh ) . We 're presently taking care of 36 pots ( ! ) and need to monitor the growth of these seedlings everyday . I didn 't know that I could be a good " plant person " either . Every time my mom asked me to water the plants and trees at home , I ignored . But now , I volunteer to do it even before I 'm asked to help . Anyway , this has been really cool and a lot of fun so far . Moreover , I get to take pictures of them too , so wohoo . Another thing about this work is that the person whom I 'm working with is really different from me and the kind of people usually in my friends circle . This has given me an opportunity to explore the dynamics of a different kind of relationship . This is something that I need to experience and learn from . I attended the first day of the final semester of college today . After many days of sleeping past 9 am , I was inspired to wake up early and have the same zeal in me that I had while attending the first day of college . I sat alone for a while , deserted in a huge chaotic classroom , and pretended to be busy on my phone . In reality , I was thinking about the way things turned out in the past four years . It is true what people say about college . They are the best and also the worst years of our lives . Four years ago , I was quite clear about my goals and the direction I was moving in . Today , I feel like I 've been left to wander off in the middle of an enormous desert . Anyway , in the last couple of months here , I hope to make the most of the time that I 've got . For the first time , I feel like Time is on my side . Even if for a short period . When I turned 20 last year , someone commented on twitter saying that I could now use the phrase " during my time . . " in conversations . Being officially on the ' other side ' for more than a year , I don 't quite remember my teenage years as well as I thought I would . Surprisingly , for me , the times filled with sadness and depression are more clear in my mind than the happy times . I cannot label my teenage self . I guess I was a little bit of everything . I was very average , normal and somehow just ' fit - in ' . If I had a chance to go back in time and fix things - like broken friendships - I probably would . But sadly , I can 't . I 've gotten past the stage to even feel miserable about these things now . One major advice I would have given my teenage self was to be confident of who I was . As a young girl , I wasn 't very outstanding and confident . I admired other girls who were " out there " - grabbing opportunities and achieving things . I was always the second option at most of these things . A replacement for another artist at representing my school at a painting competition . I was a good artist - but not the best . I never got selected for any major event - I desperately wanted to be a part of the MUN and debate team . Sadly the teachers thought I wasn 't worthy of this . School was sometimes very demeaning for me . Anyway , all this changed in college and I can 't be more happy about it . The thing is , in college , we get to take decisions for ourselves , teachers don 't . 1 . Be confident about who you are . You are no less or greater than anyone else . Don 't be afraid to present yourself to others . Be proud of your accomplishments , however small or insignificant they seem to be . They are going to boost your confidence for bigger things in life later on . There is absolutely no use in comparing yourself to your peers . 2 . Don 't be afraid to fall in love . Accept love as any other human feeling and be okay with it . Love isn 't a magical fantasied experience as how Disney shows it to be . It is beautiful and great , yes , but don 't exaggerate the boundaries of the feeling . 3 . Talk to your parents more often . Get to know them . Be open and honest with them . The bond that you form now will determine the one that you have in the future . Make it easier at this age , so that it doesn 't have to be awkward and odd later in life . 4 . Build your stamina , exercise regularly , take care of your body . Make it a practice . We tend to realize the importance of being healthy only later in life . It 's not really about having a good physique . It 's about being healthy and active . Learn what 's good for your body and how you react to different situations . 5 . Hang on to close friends . True friendship is hard to find and it takes efforts from both sides . Have friends who like you for who you are . That being said , know that it is okay to drift apart … What matters is that you both acknowledge your friendship even after many years . They are truly your friends . 6 . You can be anyone you want to be . It may seem like you have very limited options in front of you for your future . But really , there are going to be many many more options ahead of you . Choose wisely . 7 . Talk to more people , all kinds of people . Make connections . Build bonds . Every person has something to offer that you can learn from . This is going to open your mind to many new possibilities . Know their stories , it will help you in creating your own . You will learn more from other people than from books and lectures . Have your own opinions in conversations . Have plenty conversations . 8 . Do the things that you love more often . Interests may change frequently , but stick to one thing and excel at it . It may take you a lifetime , and that 's okay . 9 . Be Proactive . I cannot stress upon this more . Take decisions - even if they fail - and make things happen by yourself . Learning to be independent and responsible is the greatest gift you can give yourself . 10 . Don 't worry , just be happy ! Things may seem confusing and bitter now . It won 't get any better later ( sometimes it may ) , so learn to cherish what you have and just enjoy the days ! : ) I 've always wanted to learn a musical instrument . When in 9 ' th grade , I joined a music school and signed up for guitar lessons . My instructor , Julius , was a very cool man . He didn 't believe in conventional teaching . Being self taught himself , he introduced me to some simple beginners ' chords and tabs . Starting with easy 3 chord rhymes , I advanced to the next level songs and learnt to play their solos . He emphasized a lot on solo to make my way through the frets more easy . It wasn 't really the ' phoebe - way ' of guitar learning , but it was all about enjoying what we played . We would sit in a circle and he would start off with a simple chord progression and we would follow him , which would eventually lead to a song . The entire room would vibrate with the strumming and singing ! I would come home from school and catch a bus to the class on every alternate weekdays . My guitar was ( is ) a classic acoustic instrument , which Julius picked out for me himself . He always said I have to use my long fingers to my advantage and play till they hurt ( bleeding fingers is a sign of progress ) . After the class , a couple of students would stay back and discuss concerts , artists and their heroes . I too would sometimes stay back and listen to them in awe . Each one of them would speak so passionately about music and I then realized how the smallest of the things inspired them to pick up a guitar . I continued for 2 years and enjoyed every bit of it . I would come home late sometimes which wasn 't quite appealing to my folks . I travelled by bus then , with a guitar hung on my back making my way through the crowd . I would leave by 5 and return only by 9 , sometimes really exhausted . This left me no time to do anything for school the next day and to an extent , also affected my lifestyle . All this obviously ticked off my mom a bit and I eventually had to give it up when I entered the 12th grade . I promised myself that I would resume immediately once my exams ended but that never happened as then came more entrance exams . JEE , AIEEE , CET , AIMPT , everything took a toll on me and the guitar stayed on the attic , comfortable in it 's casing . ( This was the time when I had taken to photography as an alternate hobby and continued it to make up for the loss of another hobby ) . My first year of engineering was what one can say " light " . Being a CBSE student and having undergone a hell load of stress and studying , the engineering internals didn 't seem that pressurizing in the first semester . How I got interested in a Carnatic classical instrument is a strange story . Rolling back to many years , like in every other Hindu brahmin family tradition , I too was made to learn singing at a young age . Singing wasn 't really my thing , I just completed the basic course for the heck of it and then quit happily . No more was I made to sing in family gatherings and in the functions at my locality . The Veena is a fascinating instrument . One night , my mother was watching a Carnatic musical program on television and I happened to not argue and watch it with her . 2 men were sitting on the floor , playing the veena so effortlessly . It seemed so easy , but I knew it wasn 't . Firstly , they were playing continuously for more than a hour and their left hands moved from one end of the fretboard to the other , with the support resting on their laps . It was the first time I noticed that the fretboard tapered into a dragon 's head ! How amusing ! It was all very grand and unique . More over , Carnatic tunes never sounded more powerful to me before . I made a passing comment about how cool it would be if I could learn the Veena . My mother immediately agreed that I should ! ( Better learn a carnatic instrument and become a good Hindu woman instead of the late night guitar strumming hippie , yeah ? ) I took my dad along to Guruji 's house , to talk about joining Veena classes . He spoke to me directly , " Why do you want to learn the Veena ? " . I wasn 't expecting that at all . " I like the sound it makes and want to be able to play it myself " , I said sounding silly and regretting it later . He was a relatively young man , with the tilak running across his forehead , dressed in lungi and kurta . His mother was a renowned veena player and he was blessed with the same gift . Although he worked in the IT industry for many years , he never gave up on his passion for Veena during the time . Later , he quit his IT job completely for promoting the Carnatic music fraternity and pursuing his mother 's dreams . I liked the story and was impressed . My first class was interesting . There were rules . Rules that every student had to follow to learn from Guruji . No jeans and tops , only Indian salwar kameez or saaris . A bindi on the forehead was a must ( sometimes I forgot in a hurry and had to quickly apply kumkum before beginning with the lessons ) . Pray to the veena for 2 minutes before keeping her on my lap . My legs pained for hours , my fingers hurt even more . The sounds thundered in the room with others when we played . The vibrations lingered in my head for many hours after the class . I picked up the lessons faster than others due to my history with the strings . " In one year , you should be able to play a simple devarnama in our music school 's anual day " , he said . Unlike Julius , Guruji played by the rules and taught me every note and tune from the scripts and made me memorize names , numbers and progressions . I knew I was going good for a year and would play well past all the rules and other difficulties . I was suddenly pressurized into having to learn more in less time and prepare myself for the annual day . Expectations grew and playing the veena was no more an enjoyment . Every time I placed the Veena on my lap , I thought about what I had to memorize and forced myself to play . She still sounded wonderful and echoed in my room , but other thoughts overshadowed her sounds in my mind . Guruji preached Hinduism and our culture along with the music lessons . I sat there blatantly listening to his words , pretending to follow it , while in reality , I would go home and put on some Dream Theatre or Opeth on full volume to get over it . The joy of learning to play a grand musical instrument had turned into a burden of having to satisfy expectations and pass tests . Moreover , I was made to believe in things which I didn 't want to believe in . Knowing them is one thing , but forcing myself into agreeing to them is an entirely different thing . Guruji imposed a strict learning atmosphere that didn 't have space for any mistakes . Only his ideologies were correct in his class , and people had to agree upon them if they wanted to learn to play the Veena from him . After my first year of engineering ( and first year of Veena classes ) , I told him that I had taken up a small internship during my vacations and would help a company in social media marketing , etc . He blamed me for wasting my free time doing unnecessary things when instead , I could 've easily learnt a lot more of music and perform in front of a large audience within months . I could practice for the whole day and improve very soon . Practice practice practice , perform perform perform ! I didn 't have to guts to tell him openly that I had wanted to learn to play the Veena purely for MYSELF and didn 't really care about performing or showing others . I wanted to take it slow and actually ENJOY it . I started missing classes and over the course of time , I told him that the engineering load is getting on to me , with project work happening after class hours and internals coming up soon . I had to quit unexpectedly . I owed Guruji an explanation . I knew that he only meant good for me , but I was so scared of him . The Veena still attracts me , and I sometimes feel I should probably get back to her again and learn by myself from scratch ( the load of notes and books can easily help me get back on my own ) . I am not sure though , maybe listening is at one place and learning to play is in another place altogether . As far as the guitar goes , I took her out of the attic yesterday . One of these days , I plan to replace her broken strings with new ones and start learning by myself again . Maybe my time with stringed instruments isn 't done yet .
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Priceless Junk was created when I was a high school student back home in Bangalore . This blog has always been very close to my heart albeit its ups and downs over the course of many years . I originally fell in love with blogging because it provided me an opportunity to open up myself ( and my life ) to a tiny part of this world . Turning over a new leaf is my attempt to get back to the roots with a fresh start . I have been wanting to write about science and education ( among other things ) for a long time now and I don 't think Priceless Junk is the right platform to do that anymore . The last year has changed me to a huge extent and I just can 't relate to this persona any longer . I enjoyed my time here as an ambivert , confused high school and college student who was trying to figure herself out . The past year has given me a great deal of exposure , perspective , confidence and determination to renew my attitude towards life . Priceless Junk encompasses one phase of me and now it 's time to move on to the next . I no longer feel the need to bury this space under the deep dark corners of the web . I am truly grateful that I had the chance to share my thoughts with you all . I have known some of you longer than I 've known my friends , and it delights me to witness all of us moving ahead in all directions to achieve greater things ! It has been a month since I started a new chapter of my life as a graduate student in a foreign land . What may I tell you about it ? I have been meaning to put my experiences into words for the blog but it seems so hard to write now . Please help me get back to this hobby that I once loved dearly . I 'd very much like to contain my memories in this tiny part of the blogosphere . Let 's see where this takes me . This part of my life is called Phase 3 . After school and college , it 's now time for university . Time to get real . Time to put the " i " in individualism . The other day , someone asked me why I 'd stopped blogging . I am getting old and conscious of revealing my life openly on the web , that 's why . Seeing an old post of mine being shared on facebook was so embarrassing . I had to edit half of the text and correct a few lines to make it seem decent enough for the people who were going to stumble upon it . When I started blogging many years ago , I used to do it for me - simply to record random ( un ) interesting occurrences in my life . Anyway , because I don 't talk about myself a lot on here these days and maybe you guys want to know what 's going on with me ( maybe not ? oh well ) , here it is . I have a week left in Bangalore before I take - off to Indiana and survive all by myself . It took me long time to realize what all of this really meant . I am finally flying away from my protective humble abode to go out there and create myself . It is scary and exciting at the same time . I am currently packing away my life into suitcases . I wish I could take with me everything that I have here , but I can 't . Life from now is going to be hard and painful . This has also made me realize how I took everything for granted here . Learning to take care of things that belong to me , show responsibility and gratitude is what I have to learn first . Series of illustrations that unites the human anatomy with nature . These are just a couple of ideas . I hope someone somewhere comes up with a better , more artistic version of these . I 'd love to see something like that . Have you ever felt like you are so confused with yourself that you need to catch hold of every opportunity that comes your way and experiment with different things simultaneously ? This is exactly my life at the moment . The problem with me is I get into a lot of things , with enthusiasm at first and eagerness to know what the outcome is going to be . I 'm not complaining . Some of the best things that have happened to me so far have been a result of this random experimentation . When I walked into the college gates on the first day , I was a confident person and was pretty clear about the decisions that I 'd made in the past couple of months that year . Now , after four years , I find myself lost again , unsure of which path to take . I 've met people who 've always been focussed about what they expect from life . People who can see themselves working at a specific company or studying at a particular university five years down the line . I 've grown up with such people from high school . Sometimes I feel all the freedom that I 've received , like the freedom to choose whichever field to pursue , etc , has left me spoilt for choices . Maybe the best thing to do right now is to not over - think things and just dive into an uncertain future . An exciting future filled with infinite number of possibilities ! This is actually a long time back . Nidhi and I were featured on Deccan Chronicle for our Delhi vs Bangalore project . Just thought I 'll leave this here … . ( click through to read ) . I recently got acquainted with this girl for my project work . She is sweet , polite and some - what oblivious to many new things ( like technology , etc ) . At the same time , she is very street smart . A thing about her that caught my attention the most was that she prays before every meal that she has . We 've been having lunch together everyday , and before she digs in , she takes a minute to close her eyes and pray to her god - Jesus . Today , I asked her what she says in her prayer . She said she thanks Jesus for the food , asks him to take care of her family and friends , asks him to help the poor , and thanks him for everything in general . I felt very uneasy at that moment not knowing how to react and just smiled . I would generally think like this - thank my dad for his job for that provides money to my family ( and thus becomes the source of my lunch money ) , humans take care of other humans ( so I should take care of my parents and vice versa ) and accept the reality of the world ( poverty , hunger , draught , inflation , etc ) . But then , I got thinking - she is smart and well educated to be aware of the world . Why would she feel the need to escape ? How could she actually believe that Jesus had only 23 chromosomes ( she really told me this ! ) especially having studied biology in such depth ? The answer is - religion is not as feeble as we think it is . Sometimes , people have the need to rely on something - or someone - to convince themselves that hope and faith can be powerful . They are not delusional . They are aware and wide awake . If praying gives them strength , so be it . If religion lessens their burdens , so be it . I have never been a very religious person ( except when I think praying to ' god ' is the last resort to make something really happen ) . I don 't get the idea of having to pray to some supernatural being for the food we consume or the clothes we wear . I guess I 'm just grateful for my folks for having the luxuries that I have . I am not against any religious people or their beliefs , I just don 't agree with them . We did have such prayers in school in the mornings and before lunch breaks . Everybody just lets go of such things once they move on in life . But I have a sense of respect and appreciation for those who stick on to it . It takes a lot to be regularly dedicated to something , let alone your religion . Even if it 's something that 's as simple as praying . The tradition of praying in the mornings and before meals exists in many families even today . I think it teaches people to respect things and other beings . It teaches them to have compassion and appreciate the things they have in life . I have reality checks about these things too , but never through religion . I may never follow it , but seeing someone else humbly follow it doesn 't disturb me . Everyone has different ways to cope with the world . I never knew growing plants was such a hard thing to do . At first , we had to get the right sized pots , appropriate soil along with organic manure , and seeds ( everything that we bought from the fantabulous nursery at Lalbagh ) . We 're presently taking care of 36 pots ( ! ) and need to monitor the growth of these seedlings everyday . I didn 't know that I could be a good " plant person " either . Every time my mom asked me to water the plants and trees at home , I ignored . But now , I volunteer to do it even before I 'm asked to help . Anyway , this has been really cool and a lot of fun so far . Moreover , I get to take pictures of them too , so wohoo . Another thing about this work is that the person whom I 'm working with is really different from me and the kind of people usually in my friends circle . This has given me an opportunity to explore the dynamics of a different kind of relationship . This is something that I need to experience and learn from . I attended the first day of the final semester of college today . After many days of sleeping past 9 am , I was inspired to wake up early and have the same zeal in me that I had while attending the first day of college . I sat alone for a while , deserted in a huge chaotic classroom , and pretended to be busy on my phone . In reality , I was thinking about the way things turned out in the past four years . It is true what people say about college . They are the best and also the worst years of our lives . Four years ago , I was quite clear about my goals and the direction I was moving in . Today , I feel like I 've been left to wander off in the middle of an enormous desert . Anyway , in the last couple of months here , I hope to make the most of the time that I 've got . For the first time , I feel like Time is on my side . Even if for a short period . When I turned 20 last year , someone commented on twitter saying that I could now use the phrase " during my time . . " in conversations . Being officially on the ' other side ' for more than a year , I don 't quite remember my teenage years as well as I thought I would . Surprisingly , for me , the times filled with sadness and depression are more clear in my mind than the happy times . I cannot label my teenage self . I guess I was a little bit of everything . I was very average , normal and somehow just ' fit - in ' . If I had a chance to go back in time and fix things - like broken friendships - I probably would . But sadly , I can 't . I 've gotten past the stage to even feel miserable about these things now . One major advice I would have given my teenage self was to be confident of who I was . As a young girl , I wasn 't very outstanding and confident . I admired other girls who were " out there " - grabbing opportunities and achieving things . I was always the second option at most of these things . A replacement for another artist at representing my school at a painting competition . I was a good artist - but not the best . I never got selected for any major event - I desperately wanted to be a part of the MUN and debate team . Sadly the teachers thought I wasn 't worthy of this . School was sometimes very demeaning for me . Anyway , all this changed in college and I can 't be more happy about it . The thing is , in college , we get to take decisions for ourselves , teachers don 't . 1 . Be confident about who you are . You are no less or greater than anyone else . Don 't be afraid to present yourself to others . Be proud of your accomplishments , however small or insignificant they seem to be . They are going to boost your confidence for bigger things in life later on . There is absolutely no use in comparing yourself to your peers . 2 . Don 't be afraid to fall in love . Accept love as any other human feeling and be okay with it . Love isn 't a magical fantasied experience as how Disney shows it to be . It is beautiful and great , yes , but don 't exaggerate the boundaries of the feeling . 3 . Talk to your parents more often . Get to know them . Be open and honest with them . The bond that you form now will determine the one that you have in the future . Make it easier at this age , so that it doesn 't have to be awkward and odd later in life . 4 . Build your stamina , exercise regularly , take care of your body . Make it a practice . We tend to realize the importance of being healthy only later in life . It 's not really about having a good physique . It 's about being healthy and active . Learn what 's good for your body and how you react to different situations . 5 . Hang on to close friends . True friendship is hard to find and it takes efforts from both sides . Have friends who like you for who you are . That being said , know that it is okay to drift apart … What matters is that you both acknowledge your friendship even after many years . They are truly your friends . 6 . You can be anyone you want to be . It may seem like you have very limited options in front of you for your future . But really , there are going to be many many more options ahead of you . Choose wisely . 7 . Talk to more people , all kinds of people . Make connections . Build bonds . Every person has something to offer that you can learn from . This is going to open your mind to many new possibilities . Know their stories , it will help you in creating your own . You will learn more from other people than from books and lectures . Have your own opinions in conversations . Have plenty conversations . 8 . Do the things that you love more often . Interests may change frequently , but stick to one thing and excel at it . It may take you a lifetime , and that 's okay . 9 . Be Proactive . I cannot stress upon this more . Take decisions - even if they fail - and make things happen by yourself . Learning to be independent and responsible is the greatest gift you can give yourself . 10 . Don 't worry , just be happy ! Things may seem confusing and bitter now . It won 't get any better later ( sometimes it may ) , so learn to cherish what you have and just enjoy the days ! : ) I 've always wanted to learn a musical instrument . When in 9 ' th grade , I joined a music school and signed up for guitar lessons . My instructor , Julius , was a very cool man . He didn 't believe in conventional teaching . Being self taught himself , he introduced me to some simple beginners ' chords and tabs . Starting with easy 3 chord rhymes , I advanced to the next level songs and learnt to play their solos . He emphasized a lot on solo to make my way through the frets more easy . It wasn 't really the ' phoebe - way ' of guitar learning , but it was all about enjoying what we played . We would sit in a circle and he would start off with a simple chord progression and we would follow him , which would eventually lead to a song . The entire room would vibrate with the strumming and singing ! I would come home from school and catch a bus to the class on every alternate weekdays . My guitar was ( is ) a classic acoustic instrument , which Julius picked out for me himself . He always said I have to use my long fingers to my advantage and play till they hurt ( bleeding fingers is a sign of progress ) . After the class , a couple of students would stay back and discuss concerts , artists and their heroes . I too would sometimes stay back and listen to them in awe . Each one of them would speak so passionately about music and I then realized how the smallest of the things inspired them to pick up a guitar . I continued for 2 years and enjoyed every bit of it . I would come home late sometimes which wasn 't quite appealing to my folks . I travelled by bus then , with a guitar hung on my back making my way through the crowd . I would leave by 5 and return only by 9 , sometimes really exhausted . This left me no time to do anything for school the next day and to an extent , also affected my lifestyle . All this obviously ticked off my mom a bit and I eventually had to give it up when I entered the 12th grade . I promised myself that I would resume immediately once my exams ended but that never happened as then came more entrance exams . JEE , AIEEE , CET , AIMPT , everything took a toll on me and the guitar stayed on the attic , comfortable in it 's casing . ( This was the time when I had taken to photography as an alternate hobby and continued it to make up for the loss of another hobby ) . My first year of engineering was what one can say " light " . Being a CBSE student and having undergone a hell load of stress and studying , the engineering internals didn 't seem that pressurizing in the first semester . How I got interested in a Carnatic classical instrument is a strange story . Rolling back to many years , like in every other Hindu brahmin family tradition , I too was made to learn singing at a young age . Singing wasn 't really my thing , I just completed the basic course for the heck of it and then quit happily . No more was I made to sing in family gatherings and in the functions at my locality . The Veena is a fascinating instrument . One night , my mother was watching a Carnatic musical program on television and I happened to not argue and watch it with her . 2 men were sitting on the floor , playing the veena so effortlessly . It seemed so easy , but I knew it wasn 't . Firstly , they were playing continuously for more than a hour and their left hands moved from one end of the fretboard to the other , with the support resting on their laps . It was the first time I noticed that the fretboard tapered into a dragon 's head ! How amusing ! It was all very grand and unique . More over , Carnatic tunes never sounded more powerful to me before . I made a passing comment about how cool it would be if I could learn the Veena . My mother immediately agreed that I should ! ( Better learn a carnatic instrument and become a good Hindu woman instead of the late night guitar strumming hippie , yeah ? ) I took my dad along to Guruji 's house , to talk about joining Veena classes . He spoke to me directly , " Why do you want to learn the Veena ? " . I wasn 't expecting that at all . " I like the sound it makes and want to be able to play it myself " , I said sounding silly and regretting it later . He was a relatively young man , with the tilak running across his forehead , dressed in lungi and kurta . His mother was a renowned veena player and he was blessed with the same gift . Although he worked in the IT industry for many years , he never gave up on his passion for Veena during the time . Later , he quit his IT job completely for promoting the Carnatic music fraternity and pursuing his mother 's dreams . I liked the story and was impressed . My first class was interesting . There were rules . Rules that every student had to follow to learn from Guruji . No jeans and tops , only Indian salwar kameez or saaris . A bindi on the forehead was a must ( sometimes I forgot in a hurry and had to quickly apply kumkum before beginning with the lessons ) . Pray to the veena for 2 minutes before keeping her on my lap . My legs pained for hours , my fingers hurt even more . The sounds thundered in the room with others when we played . The vibrations lingered in my head for many hours after the class . I picked up the lessons faster than others due to my history with the strings . " In one year , you should be able to play a simple devarnama in our music school 's anual day " , he said . Unlike Julius , Guruji played by the rules and taught me every note and tune from the scripts and made me memorize names , numbers and progressions . I knew I was going good for a year and would play well past all the rules and other difficulties . I was suddenly pressurized into having to learn more in less time and prepare myself for the annual day . Expectations grew and playing the veena was no more an enjoyment . Every time I placed the Veena on my lap , I thought about what I had to memorize and forced myself to play . She still sounded wonderful and echoed in my room , but other thoughts overshadowed her sounds in my mind . Guruji preached Hinduism and our culture along with the music lessons . I sat there blatantly listening to his words , pretending to follow it , while in reality , I would go home and put on some Dream Theatre or Opeth on full volume to get over it . The joy of learning to play a grand musical instrument had turned into a burden of having to satisfy expectations and pass tests . Moreover , I was made to believe in things which I didn 't want to believe in . Knowing them is one thing , but forcing myself into agreeing to them is an entirely different thing . Guruji imposed a strict learning atmosphere that didn 't have space for any mistakes . Only his ideologies were correct in his class , and people had to agree upon them if they wanted to learn to play the Veena from him . After my first year of engineering ( and first year of Veena classes ) , I told him that I had taken up a small internship during my vacations and would help a company in social media marketing , etc . He blamed me for wasting my free time doing unnecessary things when instead , I could 've easily learnt a lot more of music and perform in front of a large audience within months . I could practice for the whole day and improve very soon . Practice practice practice , perform perform perform ! I didn 't have to guts to tell him openly that I had wanted to learn to play the Veena purely for MYSELF and didn 't really care about performing or showing others . I wanted to take it slow and actually ENJOY it . I started missing classes and over the course of time , I told him that the engineering load is getting on to me , with project work happening after class hours and internals coming up soon . I had to quit unexpectedly . I owed Guruji an explanation . I knew that he only meant good for me , but I was so scared of him . The Veena still attracts me , and I sometimes feel I should probably get back to her again and learn by myself from scratch ( the load of notes and books can easily help me get back on my own ) . I am not sure though , maybe listening is at one place and learning to play is in another place altogether . As far as the guitar goes , I took her out of the attic yesterday . One of these days , I plan to replace her broken strings with new ones and start learning by myself again . Maybe my time with stringed instruments isn 't done yet .
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