id
int64 116
2.5k
| alt_text
stringlengths 0
826
| header
stringclasses 8
values | transcript
stringlengths 113
2.06k
|
|---|---|---|---|
118 |
a t-rex and a utahraptor are arguing about god
| null |
Narrator: SCIENCE VS RELIGION round one
T-Rex: So the Utahraptor's playing Science to my Religion, eh?
T-Rex: This means war!
T-Rex: Science will wither in the face of my sense of community and sharing!
T-Rex: How can Science hope to compete with my gifts of enlightenment and hope? I bring nothing less than inner peace!
Utahraptor: But your "gift" of inner peace comes at the cost of closing your eyes to the world around you!
T-Rex: What?!
Utahraptor: You achieve peace only through a sort of "giving up" of your own free will, by either deciding that the world is as God intended, or, alternatively, that He will be the one to fix it, using you as his "tools"! Isn't this just mere escapism, a hiding from the burden of personal responsibility?
T-Rex: Oh my God!
T-Rex (punchline): Science has all the answers AGAIN!
|
1,922 |
in panel three t-rex is saying he's got his opinions totally prepared, though he MAY be stealth launching the fantastic new merchandise "opinions totes": cloth bags with opinions written on them! things like "I <3 PALS" and "SOMETIMES, I GET SAD"
| null |
T-Rex: Okay, NEW RULE: if you do something knowing it's a dick move, but that you'll EVENTUALLY be forgiven by the person you're being a jerk to, then you have voluntarily given up your chance at forgiveness!
T-Rex: Yes it is definitely a great idea to live by harsh and unbending rulesets!
T-Rex: And THIS rule fixes the thing where folks expect forgiveness, so they act like it's guaranteed. Because even if you trip me on purpose, knowing that I'm not gonna hold it against you for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, that doesn't mean you should do it anyway!
Dromiceiomimus: Have you - been tripped lately, T-Rex?
T-Rex: No, but if it happens I've already got my opinions totes prepared!
Utahraptor: So then don't forgive people you don't trust!
T-Rex: That's jerky too!
T-Rex: I want to be able to forgive a complete stranger, but I don't want to be taken advantage of either.
Utahraptor: Well, there's always the risk you'll forgive someone who doesn't deserve it. Your new rule only works if you can read people's minds.
T-Rex: Hey! I bet GOD could give me that abili-
God: LET ME STOP YOU RIGHT THERE T-REX AND TELL YOU THAT YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW BORING OTHER PEOPLE'S SEX FANTASIES ARE
T-Rex (punchline): So you're not gonna let me read minds?
God: WAIT IS THAT WHAT YOU WERE GONNA ASK
God: WHOAH
God: I WAS JUST STARTING A CONVERSATION
|
2,245 |
can we have a conversation about your silver tongue
| null |
Off panel: I'm grinning from ear to ear, T-Rex!
T-Rex: Oh shiiiiiiiiiiii-
Narrator: THE DAY T-REX TOOK EVERYTHING LITERALLY
Narrator: LATER:
Dromiceiomimus: We're buried in red tape at work. I've had to jump through hoops all week just to get anything done!
T-Rex: ...I see. Do you - like your job?
Dromiceiomimus: It's okay. I'm always walking on eggshells around my boss though.
T-Rex: That sounds... like okay times? I think?
Utahraptor: I've had to smooth some ruffled feathers at my job too!
T-Rex: Yeah. That sounds pretty satisfying.
Utahraptor: Huh. I guess it is when it works out? It takes time from my work though, and my boss can be a real slavedriver.
T-Rex: What?! That should be illegal!!
T-Rex: I really thought it was actually!
Narrator: THE NEXT DAY, T-REX TAKES EVERYTHING FIGURATIVELY
Off panel: I'm literally being killed to death by this giant bird!!
T-Rex (punchline): My goodness, what a wonderfully evocative metaphor
|
1,680 |
the rest of the game is basically mario 3 except you get to ride the goomba's boot more often. oh snap! was that the sound of "this game doesn't sound very good" dying just before it reached your lips? I THINK IT WAS.
| null |
T-Rex: My new video game is amazing, and avoids all the heteronormative baggage that is usually endemic to the medium! I call it:
T-Rex: "Wow! Time to Rescues the Prince(ss)!"
T-Rex: It's so great, Dromiceiomimus! When you finally rescue the prince(ss), he or she turns to you and says "THANK YOU FOR RESCUING ME. NOW, AM I A MAN... OR A WOMAN?"
Dromiceiomimus: And then your choice determines their gender?
T-Rex: Yep! You press the button for "MAN" and he says "OH NEAT" and if you press the button for "WOMAN" she says "COOL, I HAVE ALWAYS SUSPECTED THAT TO BE THE CASE".
Utahraptor: And what's the gameplay?
T-Rex: "Amazing"?
T-Rex: Look, you're trying to bog me down in specifics when I'm dreaming big of amazing end sequences that let you DECIDE who you just rescued.
Utahraptor: Okay, but you're not deciding who you rescued, you're just choosing their gender identity.
T-Rex: Not in the new version! In the new version you choose who you rescued and it says "OKAY, I AM GEORGE CLOONEY. BUT AM I STILL MAN??"
T-Rex (punchline): Utahraptor! What it lacks in grammar it makes up in best game ever!
|
1,501 |
Whenever someone robs a bank, she lies down to block their path, and when they easily just step over her she punches them and says "Time for some paciFISTm!" which is her catch phrase that I am ALREADY working on improving
| null |
T-Rex: Oh my gosh! I'm ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED that I've just had the best idea for a superhero ever.
T-Rex: The PaciFIST!
T-Rex: She's torn between her desire for Gandhian passive resistance and her desire to punch her way to a unilaterally imposed solution!! She's a conflicted hero for a conflicted age, you guys!
Dromiceiomimus: And the "fist" is capitalized?
T-Rex: Of course! Also, "paci" is in wimpy script letters and "fist" is in these big exploding block letters!
T-Rex: That, my friends, is called "graphic design".
Utahraptor: So what's her origin story?
T-Rex: Oh, the standard: she was a super pacifist but then realized she super liked punching dudes, and so swore on her parents' grave that from now on she would DEFINITELY try to do both.
Utahraptor: I honestly don't see an audience for this.
T-Rex: Utahraptor! Hello? IT'S A METAPHOR FOR ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS??
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: So, um -
T-Rex (punchline): Most of my relationships have been "complicated".
|
1,177 |
it's time to kick ass and repent the murders i have committed to become king, and i'm all out of repentance
| null |
T-Rex: Before I used to dread the "what are you doing with your life" question, but not anymore! This is because I've decided what I'm doing with my life: creating SHAKESPEARE VIDEO GAMES.
T-Rex: Could this TRULY be the greatest calling ever?
T-Rex: And I already have tons of ideas, like "Richard the Third the Game"! In the introductory cinematic you trade your kingdom for a horse, and then you spend the rest of the game riding around your old kingdom on a horse.
Dromiceiomimus: So it's a platformer?
T-Rex: With stealth elements! Your horse isn't very good and so sometimes you're embarrassed about your horse, and then you have to sneak around.
Utahraptor: You really think people want to ride around on a platforming horse as Richard the Third?
T-Rex: I know I do!
Utahraptor: So, what, the ice level is called "Winter of Discontent"?
T-Rex: No, that's dumb. The ice level is called "Oh no! King Richard The Third Has Chilly Pants."
T-Rex: Look, I'm going to prototype it tonight, so by this time tomorrow, we'll see what's what.
Narrator: THE NEXT DAY:
T-Rex: So, Utahraptor! What do you think?
Off panel: This is just a picture of Richard the Third's head on Duke Nukem's body.
T-Rex (punchline): It's as far as I got before it was too awesome!
|
627 |
this linguistic theory is actually called the sapir-whorf hypothesis, not the t-rex/utahraptor hypothesis. i KNOW. i am working on it.
| null |
T-Rex: Does language alter the way we think? Sources say: perhaps!
T-Rex: This source says: DEFINITELY YES.
T-Rex: I think it's a subtle but pervasive effect! If a language doesn't have a word for something, I think I'm less likely to think about whatever it is that word would refer to. For instance, in English we have words for "friends", but what if we had a single word for the phrase "friends who deserve pie more often"? I bet I'd consider buying people more pies!
Utahraptor: You're saying that if we had words for these things, people would think of them more often?
T-Rex: Yeah!
Utahraptor: Well, I agree, but I think you're confusing cause and effect! As things become more prominent, they move to become words. Like "electronic mail" becoming "e-mail" and finally "email" - that was due to email becoming more popular, not because people were creating the word in order to MAKE it more popular. You know?
Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE THERE'S NO WORD FOR LOVE:
T-Rex: Aww, I really respect you and wish to spend more time with you in a romantic fashion, too!
T-Rex (punchline): TIME FOR MUTUAL KISSES.
|
2,130 |
can you tell the precise moment i actually researched hats? yes, it was panel 4. i mean yes, it was never as i know all things
| null |
Narrator: TYPES OF HATS
Narrator: a reference for gentlemen
T-Rex: Alright, let's get the easy ones out of the way first!
T-Rex: Top hats are those ones that are easy to draw!
T-Rex: You've also got bowler hats, which are like round top hats, a little? And then you've got pith helmets, which are um, retro explorer hats I think.
T-Rex: Oh, and those fancy fake white wigs that olde-timey judges wear! They're BASICALLY hats.
Utahraptor: What about the D'Orsay? It's a beaver hat with a curved brim, but not as much as, say, the Wellington.
T-Rex: Whoah!
T-Rex: You - you actually know about hats! You should be doing the talking here. I ran out of ideas after four hats!!
Utahraptor: One of those was a wig.
T-Rex: Man, don't tell me! I know I suck at hats!!
T-Rex: Ever wonder why I go around unhatted with bald head a'gleaming in the sun? It's due to a little thing called, oh, I don't know THE SHAME OF IGNORANCE??
T-Rex (punchline): Seriously though, please, proceed, I'm metaphorically all ears
|
2,342 |
ATTENTION TEENS: DON'T WORRY, I GOT THIS, DADS DON'T KNOW ABOUT SECRET ALT TEXT
| null |
Narrator: INTERNET ACRONYMS FOR PARENTS WHO JUST GOT ON THE INTERNET
Narrator: a comic to print out and physically mail to your parents who just got on the internet!
T-Rex: Parents! Congratulations on getting websites installed on your computer!
T-Rex: As you may have noticed, sometimes your teenage children will use downright unfamiliar acronyms when you watch them talking to their friends on sites like "Facebook". But there's no mystery to them! For example, "WTF" means "Where's the food?" Your kids will say "WTF" at all sorts of times, because you know teens: always hungry!!
Utahraptor: But what about - "LOL"?
T-Rex: That's the Land O' Lakes, a beautiful location!
T-Rex: Teens like to remind each other of what they can achieve if they apply themselves, and a nice place to live is at the top of that list. That's why you'll see them say "LOL" all the time!
Utahraptor: Ah. And "BRB"?
T-Rex: "Busy Reading Books".
T-Rex: Teens will say that before stepping away from the keyboard for a bit to read some classic literature! Teens, man!! They make me want to ROFL too!
T-Rex (punchline): ("Reading on the floor: literature"!)
|
1,541 |
is utahraptor so impressed with t-rex in panel five that he's left gaping in amazement? no, t-rex just wouldn't let him get a word in edgewise. in panel 7 utahraptor spins around a laptop dramatically and says "you got that off wikipedia"
| null |
God: T-REX LET'S SAY YOU HAVE A GIANT HEAP OF SAND AND I REMOVE ONE GRAIN OF IT AT A TIME
T-Rex: Ooh, let's!!
God: CLEARLY WHEN THERE'S ONLY ONE GRAIN OF SAND LEFT IT'S NOT A HEAP ANYMORE
T-Rex: Clearly!
God: AHA MY FRIEND BUT WHEN PRECISELY DID IT SWITCH FROM HEAP TO NON-HEAP
T-Rex: I dunno! At some fuzzy point it would switch for most observers from "heap" to, say, "small pile", and there we can draw the line. Language isn't that precise.
God: LISTEN THIS IS A CLASSIC PARADOX THAT EUBULIDES OF MILETUS CAME UP WITH OVER 2000 YEARS AGO
God: YOU NEED TO HAVE YOUR MIND BLOWN NOW OKAY
T-Rex: Sounds kinda dumb to me!
Utahraptor: What does?
T-Rex: The point at which a shrinking heap of sand becomes a non-heap. Clearly I'm supposed to struggle with an arbitrary threshold, because piles on either side of it look much the same. But it's just language! Look at statistical usage of the word "heap", decide using that average, end of story.
T-Rex: Oh snap, philosophers! Did T-Rex just totally school you with his statistically-based descriptivist approach to semantics? IT APPEARS THAT HE TOTALLY DID!!
T-Rex (punchline): It also appears he's speaking in the third person because he's so impressed with his awesome self!
|
1,432 |
LOOKS LIKE IT'S TIME TO FALL BACK ON PLAN B, BABY
| null |
T-Rex: Man, I'm not old! I do tons of stuff that's not old people stuff! Do old people knock back extremely sour gumballs like they were regular gumballs?
T-Rex: If they do, they're not doing it around me!!
T-Rex: Do old people stomp on things in their way instead of walking slowly around them? Do old people solve their problems with their fists? I have never seen an elderly gentleman solve problems with his fists!
Dromiceiomimus: I've never seen you solve problems with your fists either, actually!
T-Rex: Then you must not've been looking, Dromiceiomimus! My left fist is called "Plan B" because it solves so many problems!
Utahraptor: And what's your right fist called?
T-Rex: "Plan C"!
T-Rex: It's put into action in the event that Plan B fails. ONLY IT'S NEVER BEEN USED BECAUSE PLAN B NEVER FAILS!!
Utahraptor: And this makes you not old.
T-Rex: Yep! I'm young because MY body parts still have nicknames.
Narrator: LATER: REGRET.
T-Rex: ...Man, it would have been way funnier if I'd nicknamed my WEINER "Plan B"! Every time someone said "Let's take a close look at Plan B", I could've laughed and laughed!
T-Rex (punchline): *sigh*
|
2,268 |
NO SMOKERS UNLESS U R A SMOKER IN THE "SMOKIN' HOT" SENSE, THEN IT'S WAY COOL
|
→ I wrote a book about Back to the Future! ←
|
Narrator: LET'S LOOK FOR AN APARTMENT
T-Rex: How hard could it be?
Narrator: SOON:
T-Rex: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Narrator: SOON:
T-Rex: If you were offering a room for rent, wouldn't you want to include photos of the room? And wouldn't you want to include more information than "ROOM 4 RENT PLZ B HOT"??
Dromiceiomimus: How big is the room?
T-Rex: Apparently the smokin' hot among us care not for physical dimensions??
Narrator: SOON:
Utahraptor: All these listings say "no pets", but you have a pet!
T-Rex: The universe is mean to me
Narrator: SOON:
T-Rex: This listing says you must be ABDL. What does "ABDL" stand for, Utahraptor? "Always Boning Da Ladies"?
Utahraptor: Adult Baby Diaper Lover.
T-Rex: Oh.
T-Rex: ...I'm not one of those yet
Narrator: FINALLY:
T-Rex: Hah hah hah I'll just live in a box
T-Rex (punchline): Hah hah hah hah hah
|
2,312 |
WOW NOW I AM LIFTING A BOX FULL OF OLD PAINT, THIS IS JUST SUPER RAD OF YOU TO KEEP THIS AROUND IN YOUR HOUSE SO THAT I MIGHT ONE DAY LIFT IT
| null |
Narrator: T-REX IS HELPING A FRIEND MOVE.
T-Rex: Ah, friends! Sometimes they're lots of fun!
T-Rex: SOMETIMES THEY'RE SUBOPTIMAL USES OF YOUR TIME.
T-Rex: I understand that many hands make light work. But what about the opportunity cost to me? I am an EDUCATED GENTLEMAN who could otherwise be out making the world a better place! But instead, what am I doing?
Dromiceiomimus: Making a friend's world a better place AND showing them that you care?
T-Rex: Lifting heavy boxes from a stupid room to a stupid truck, yes!!
Utahraptor: T-Rex, you need to be quiet now!
T-Rex: But I got opinions!
Utahraptor: Okay, let me put it pragmatically: the time you spent helping your friend is a sunk cost, but you've received a strengthened friendship for it, and if your friend hears you complaining that benefit will be undone.
T-Rex: Of course! Thanks, Utahraptor. And thank YOU, pragmatism!!
Off panel: Perfect. So! Can you help ME move next week?
T-Rex: WELL I HATE MOVING, BUT I'D PROBABLY ALSO HATE DYING ALONE WITHOUT A FRIEND IN THE WORLD
T-Rex: SO YEAH, MOVING SOUNDS REAL FUN, COUNT ME IN
T-Rex (punchline): YAAAAAAY
|
529 |
dromiceiomimus thinks t-rex might be one of those dudes that looks really great in glasses, like, oh i don't know, R STEVENS
| null |
Narrator: WE JOIN T-REX AFTER THE EYE DOCTOR HAS TOLD HIM HE MIGHT NEED GLASSES:
T-Rex: The eye doctor has told me I might need glasses!
T-Rex: Me! Glasses!
T-Rex: Man, glasses are gonna cramp my style. I'm not a glasses dude! I'm a NON-GLASSES dude!
Dromiceiomimus: I don't know - maybe they'll look fetching on you!
T-Rex: Perhaps! But still, my style will be totally CRAMPED.
Utahraptor: What style do you have that can be "cramped", T-Rex?
T-Rex: Plenty!
T-Rex: Sleeping face down style! Rubbing my eyelids with the palms of my hand style! Glasses would interfere with BOTH these activities.
Utahraptor: I've never seen you do either of those things. Besides, if the biggest worry you have in your life is glasses, then I think you're doing pretty well!
Narrator: T-REX IS SUDDENLY REMINDED OF SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT TO WORRY ABOUT:
T-Rex: Shit!
T-Rex (punchline): Global warming!!
|
1,873 |
some scenes take place when superman is alone in space. are we to assume he brought a comic documentary artist along with him? HOW WOULD THIS PERSON BREATHE?? WAKE UP SHEEPASAURUS
| null |
T-Rex: Maybe I've been taking the wrong approach with trying to work out the odds of superheroes. Statistics are passive! It's time for ACTION. It's time for me to START KILLING BILLIONAIRES.
T-Rex: It's time for me to start up charities that offer bereaved children peak physical conditioning!
T-Rex: It's time for me to start blowing up planets that orbit distant red suns and expose others to gamma radiation and cosmic rays, just in case!
Dromiceiomimus: Don't you mean expose yourself?
T-Rex: Nope! If I expose myself I might get superpowers, and would thus be unable to focus on giving OTHER people superpowers.
T-Rex: I'm very selfless that way, Dromiceiomimus.
T-Rex: Some women find that sexy
Utahraptor: Couldn't you use your superpowers to give others superpowers more effectively though?
T-Rex: Utahraptor! I'm surprised at you!
T-Rex: Clearly the only ethical thing to do with superpowers is fight crime.
Utahraptor: But the greater good could be served by granting further -
T-Rex: DON'T YOU THINK SUPERMAN WOULD'VE THOUGHT OF THAT?? BECAUSE I KINDA THINK SUPER INTELLIGENCE WOULD THINK OF THAT.
T-Rex: UNLESS YOU'RE SUGGESTING SUPERMAN DIDN'T THINK OF THAT BECAUSE THE COMICS ARE WRITTEN AND ILLUSTRATED BY NON-SUPERMAN ENTITIES, IN WHICH CASE I HAVE ONE QUESTION FOR YOU, UTAHRAPTOR:
T-Rex (punchline): HOW WOULD THEY KNOW WHAT HE'S THINKING??
|
2,366 |
it was going to be a "deep and sustained interest" but then i was like, no, they're good ninja teens, they help everyone learn about friendship, "deep and sustaining interest" all the way
| null |
T-Rex: How long does it take to become a master violinist? A few weeks, maybe? Probably it's a few weeks.
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: It takes DECADES?
T-Rex: Like, LITERAL decades?!
T-Rex: Turns out master violinists practice every day because their skills fade as soon as they take a break! And it takes such a long time to get to this elite level that it's a life choice they make way early on. These JERKS have known what they want to do with their lives since they were, like, SIX. That's ridiculous!
T-Rex: It's ridiculous, Dromiceiomimus.
Utahraptor: What are the odds a six-year-old would know what a thirty-year-old wants to do?
T-Rex: Exactly!!
T-Rex: I have so little in common with six year old me: we move in disparate social groups, we don't like the same foods, and our bodies are so unlike that if you didn't know about aging you'd think we're different people. The only thing we DO share is a deep and sustaining interest in what the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are up to!
T-Rex: Oh, if only "grandmaster TMNT guy" had the same cultural cachet as "grandmaster violinist"!! Also, if only people paid to come hear me practice my art (i.e., talk about which turtle is my favourite) (It's Raphael)
T-Rex (punchline): (No wait!! DONATELLO)
|
2,186 |
it's just when i test people's doors at night, sometimes they're not locked securely! one strong kick and you're in, shouting "don't worry! i'm real friendly!!"
| null |
T-Rex: Sometimes folks have really nice things!
T-Rex: And sometimes I'm happy that folks have really nice things!
T-Rex: But sometimes, I worry that bad things can happen to their nice things, and when I express this worry I have for my friends, this POTENTIAL FUTURE EMPATHY I feel, they get mad!
Dromiceiomimus: Why? What do you say?
T-Rex: Oh, the usual. "Nice thing you have there! It'd be a shame if anything... HAPPENED to it."
Utahraptor: Man, that sounds like a threat!
T-Rex: HOW? How is that a threat?
T-Rex: I'm literally saying two things: a) something is nice, and b) it would be sad if a bad thing happened to the nice thing. BOTH ARE SINCERE.
Utahraptor: But you're saying it like a threat! You're the creepy stranger at night who walks by and whispers "Make sure your doors are locked nice and tight"!
T-Rex: THAT'S CREEPY?!
T-Rex (punchline): Oh my gosh that FINALLY explains all the screaming
|
1,259 |
guys who has stubbed his little toe so hard that he's broken it, multiple times? OH LOOK IT'S ME, GOOD OLD HARD-WALKIN' RYAN
| null |
T-Rex: You know what I'm tired of feeling?
God: EMOTIONS
T-Rex: Pain!
T-Rex: (Emotions too.)
T-Rex: But seriously, guys! Why do we need pain?
T-Rex: It hurts!
T-Rex: And you can't turn it off. It's like a phone that won't stop ringing whenever I'm hurt, and when I answer it, it's always friggin' Pain calling and he won't get off the line. I say "Yeah, I get it Pain, I stubbed my toe." and he says "Yeah, it still hurts like a bitch. Can I say bitch? It really hurts, T-Rex", and I say "Look, Pain. I know." and he stays on the line and I say "Pain, you've gotta find other people to call. You've got to get other hobbies."
T-Rex: I'd prefer looking down and seeing that my toe is stubbed to, um, EXCRUCIATING PAIN.
Utahraptor: So you want leprosy.
T-Rex: Uh NO, I didn't say I want my LIMBS to fall off.
Utahraptor: Leprosy doesn't make your limbs fall off!! You lose SENSATION in your body, so you can do things like accidentally crush your fingers and not notice. Hey, how's the centuries-old prejudice over there? Pretty uninformed? Pretty BIASED?
T-Rex: Utahraptor! You were totally a jerk to me just now! And if you're hoping I'm going to shout after you that "Now I wish my HEART couldn't feel pain", I'm not!
T-Rex (punchline): I'm just thinking it, okay??
|
2,176 |
"dromiceiomimoid" is a word i made up but since actual scientists stone-cold abandoned the name "dromiceiomimus" that makes ME the last authority on the subject and I say... SHIP IT
| null |
T-Rex: It sure is convenient that I have a vehicle that brings me places without breaking down! I sure am glad I don't have to worry about being stranded on the side of the road in the middle of -
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: HAH HAH HAH FRIG THIS
T-Rex: What strange town is this? There's this endless high-pitched screaming and dead birds everywhere. And you, ma'am, you look just like my friend Dromiceiomimus!
Dromiceiomimus: My name is "Skellington" and you are being racist for saying that all dromiceiomimoids look the same!
T-Rex: Aw shucks, accidental racisms!
Utahraptor: Excuse me sir, are you lost?!
T-Rex: Utahraptor?
Utahraptor: No, my name is "Skellington".
T-Rex: But that other lady -
Utahraptor: - is also named Skellington. You ARE lost, friend. Our town isn't on any maps. You've met with a terrible fate, haven't you?
T-Rex: Hah hah hah okay LEAVING FOREVER NOW
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex (punchline): WALKING AWAY BACKWARDS SO I DON'T EVER HAVE TO TAKE MY EYES OFF OF YOU NOW
|
2,325 |
yes, that bracket was opened by t-rex in panel five but not closed AND IT SHALL NEVER BE CLOSED. everything from now on is inside those parens. the course of your life: forever altered
| null |
T-Rex: What'd SHAKESPEARE do that he gets to be canonized as History's Greatest Author As Long As You Speak English? I wrote some plays too!
T-Rex: Plus, MY plays aren't obsessed with incest nearly as much!!
Dromiceiomimus: Well, I think the critical consensus is that Shakespeare illuminates our shared condition, while also writing in such beautiful prose as to be transcendental!
T-Rex: Okay.
T-Rex: Whatever.
T-Rex: I can do that.
Utahraptor: Let's hear it, dude!
T-Rex: "Shall I compare the to a summer's day?"
T-Rex: "It is a difficult challenge to compare a diurnal cycle to the only English definite article, but: like a summer's day, "the" has three main sections: beginning (the letter 't', or "morning"), middle (the letter 'h', or "lunchti-
Utahraptor: T-Rex!
Utahraptor: I -
Utahraptor: I used to like creative writing
Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND:
T-Rex: Shakespeare! Can you teach me to write like you?
Off panel: i dunno t-rex can you teach me to write like YOUR MOM??
T-Rex: Shakespeare!
T-Rex (punchline): ...Um, probably??
|
2,162 |
that's where i'm always correct AND naked AND at my cleanest... /ladies/
| null |
Narrator: MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE
T-Rex: Let us explore them... together!
T-Rex: Okay! Here come the mysteries of the universe!
T-Rex: So! ...Are there any universal mysteries you'd like explored, Dromiceiomimus?
Dromiceiomimus: I can't think of any right now!
T-Rex: Okay.
T-Rex: Well, if you change your mind, let me know!
Dromiceiomimus: I will!
Utahraptor: Here's one for you: how come dogs don't laugh?
T-Rex: EXCELLENT!
T-Rex: Rats actually do make a high-pitched noise during play (and when tickled!) which could be laughter.
Utahraptor: I asked about dogs.
T-Rex: Yes, and I answered about rats. This is but one more... MYSTERY OF THE UNIVERSE?
Utahraptor: Weaaaaaak
Narrator: SOON:
T-Rex: Geez, that conversation went WAY better in my head. At least it did when I practised it in the shower, each and every morning during the several weeks leading up to it!
T-Rex: *sigh*
T-Rex (punchline): Screw you guys, I'M going back to the shower!!
|
2,098 |
tonight let's make my erotic fiction an erotic... reality
| null |
T-Rex: Antonio Tony and Amelia, my erotic fiction characters, go to sleep after having some erotic fiction! While they sleep, Antonio dreams he's chatting Amelia up! Sheesh! Give her a rest, Antonio!
T-Rex: But then they wake up and discover THEY BOTH DREAMED THE SAME CHATS UP!
T-Rex: THIS WAS HOW IT BEGAN. Soon the whole world discovers that dreams have become consistent across everyone - as near as we can tell, even our DOGS are entering the same shared dreamspace! Communication becomes free, as long as both of you are sleeping, and the world changes, literally overnight.
Utahraptor: And since communication is free, spammers are soon running around yelling about their boner pills!
T-Rex: What?! No!
Utahraptor: Sleep becomes a hellish 8 hours, per night, of inescapable advertisement.
T-Rex: But since it's dreams, we can kill all the spammers we want without consequence! Then they wake up saying "Man I suck bad" or whatever it is spammers say when they look in the mirror at 3 in the morning.
Off panel: Then the spammers weaponize too, and suddenly it's an all-out worldwide war for our dreams, where the only limit is... OUR IMAGINATION.
T-Rex: Yes!! YES, let's make this happen!
T-Rex (punchline): PLEASE SANTA MAKE MY EROTIC FICTION REAL
|
1,207 |
i'm literally sick of intensifiers. here, i'll show you. it's just around that tree there.
| null |
T-Rex: Attention, everyone: stop misusing "literally"!
T-Rex: The word still has meaning, okay?
T-Rex: It is not a generic intensifier!
T-Rex: If you say that you were so hungry that you literally ate a horse, I want to see evidence that some horse lover is cheezed off at you. Similarly, if you say that you literally ate your heart out, then I want to be talking to a corpse. Or someone with distributed hearts. I don't know.
Dromiceiomimus: I'm not sure if one guy can change the way language is used, T-Rex!
T-Rex: I am going to try!!
T-Rex: And I'm doing it by bringing back "figuratively".
Utahraptor: "I'm figuratively bored to death"?
T-Rex: Exactly! I'm figuratively sick of intensifiers. What I want are DEintensifiers: words that make it clear that while something might sound amazing, it's actually just being used in a metaphorical sense!
Utahraptor: But do you really want a world where people hasten to clarify their metaphors and linguistic flourishes?
Narrator: T-REX'S IDEAL WORLD:
Off panel: Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves that, if the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say, "Figuratively, this was their finest hour."
T-Rex (punchline): THAT's more like it!
|
2,350 |
the thing with bikinis is it's not the skin you see that's the most tantalizing, it's the skin you can't see because it feasts outside our dimension in a maddening twist of non-euclidean space
| null |
T-Rex: I would like to date someone! Someone female! And also someone... perfect??
Narrator: THE PERFECT WOMAN
T-Rex: Okay so she's got sexy hot bones and kickin' lungs, OBVIOUSLY. But she's also got skills!
Dromiceiomimus: What sort of skills?
T-Rex: Oh, gosh, so many! She's great at science, makeouts, hijinks, heists... the works! You know, all the basics they teach you in Perfect Woman Finishing School.
Utahraptor: So, what does she do?
T-Rex: Whatever she wants! She's good at everything!
T-Rex: It's almost like she's got - godlike powers? Because she does! No, better: she IS a god, an elder god, and she dwells in space and she's a sinuous inky darkness, NO: a creeping madness! And when she extrudes into our dimension she devours -
Utahraptor: T-Rex, you seem to have... lost the plot?
T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR, I am exploring my own sexual interests here, so um thanks for understanding?? Anyway now she's a polypous creature in a crown of weeping faces, gnashing teeth surrounding a single titanic eye at her core, all dressed in a barely-there red bikini.
T-Rex (punchline): SO HOTT
|
1,959 |
stephen hawking focused on time tourists in HIS saying because he's smart enough not to have not messed the heck up / lie about his tv viewing history
| null |
T-Rex: In high school a bunch of us were talking about a television show!
Narrator: REGRET COMICS 2000
T-Rex: I'd seen it a little bit but they were all talking about a particular episode, so I played along and talked about it too. Eventually I asked a question, I forget what, but it somehow CLEARLY REVEALED that I had not in fact seen the episode at all. Everyone turned to me, and one guy I barely knew said "Why would you lie about something like that?" I had no idea! All I could say was "I don't know."
Utahraptor: That's not the end of the world, T-Rex!
T-Rex: I'm still thinking about it years later though!
T-Rex: I remember watching as someone went from respecting me to thinking I'm a liar: worse, a liar who does it for no reason.
Utahraptor: And who isn't particularly good at it.
T-Rex: AND WHO ISN'T PARTICULARLY GOOD AT IT, yes. Why'd I do it? It was so dumb!
T-Rex: *sigh*
T-Rex (punchline): The greatest proof that time travel isn't possible is that no future selves have yelled at me to stop messing the heck up
|
2,497 |
I like my women like I like my friend Lee! FRIENDLY
| null |
T-Rex: I like my women like I like my dogs: pretty cute!
God: PFFT
God: IT CAN BE DONE BETTER
T-Rex: Fine! FINE.
T-Rex: I like my women like I like my dogs: well-trained and obedient? I like my women like I like my dogs: created by blending Scottish and Mexican genetic information??
Dromiceiomimus: I like my men like I like my dogs: super friendly with big runny noses and fun bellies to rub.
T-Rex: OMG, I LIKE MY MEN THAT WAY TOO!!
Utahraptor: I like my women like I like my dogs: found and picked up in a park!
T-Rex: Haha, me too man.
T-Rex: I love picking up women in a park. I mean, I love the IDEA of picking up women in a park. I love the idea of being so assured in myself and in my own attractiveness that I could confidently approach a stranger and have her be interested in me romantically. I hold tight to that dream. It's never happened.
T-Rex: Anyway, I've OBVIOUSLY just revealed too much of my own insecurities so OBVIOUSLY I'm going home now to obsess over what I said and to seriously consider moving to a new town to start life over under an assumed name.
T-Rex (punchline): PEACE OUT FOREVER, I SUPPOSE??
|
1,803 |
T H E S O L A R S Y S T E M directed by M. Night Shyamalan
| null |
T-Rex: I admit it: a few days ago, I was tripping substantial balls over the fact that light takes time to reach me from across the room. But I'm better now! I am NO LONGER tripping balls, substantial OR otherwise.
T-Rex: Because I've realized: it takes time for my eyes to react to light, too!
T-Rex: And it takes time for the electrical impulses of THAT reaction to travel to my brain, and it takes more time for my brain to react to THOSE. Basically, the idea of an externally consistent personal "now" is ridiculous and impossible, and I was a fool to try!
Dromiceiomimus: Especially since sound takes time to travel too!
T-Rex: Exactly! I'm now TOTALLY COOL with that.
Utahraptor: It's not just sound and light: gravity has a travel time too!
T-Rex: W-
T-Rex: What?
Utahraptor: Nothing travels faster than light, right? What little gravitational attraction there is between us is time-delayed too.
T-Rex: Okay, but we're only talking a few nanoseconds! I'm not gonna trip b-
Utahraptor: The sun's over 8 light minutes away, T-Rex.
Off panel: I hate to be the one to tell you this, but - the Earth doesn't go around the sun. The Earth goes around wherever the sun was 8 minutes ago.
T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR
T-Rex: I'M
T-Rex (punchline): TRIPPING BALLS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD
|
2,101 |
they're called "Holographic Matryoshka Dolls" when you're not being racist, T-REX
| null |
T-Rex: "Queue" is pronounced "queue"! And the letter "q" is pronounced the same way!!
T-Rex: Stay with me!!
T-Rex: How would you pronounce "qu", Dromiceiomimus?
Dromiceiomimus: The same as "queue", I'd imagine!
T-Rex: And "que"?
Dromiceiomimus: The same.
T-Rex: And "queu"?
Dromiceiomimus: "Qu-ee-you"?
T-Rex: NO, IT'S PRONOUNCED THE SAME AS "QUEUE".
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus ruined, but did not entirely ruin, my point!
Utahraptor: Which was?
T-Rex: "Queue" is said the same no matter how many letters you take off the end!! I've discovered HOLOGRAPHIC RUSSIAN NESTING DOLL words, each smaller word inside containing a complete pronunciation of the whole!
Utahraptor: Is that a real linguistics term?
T-Rex: Um, I just invented it?
T-Rex (punchline): So um, ABSOLUTELY??
|
1,405 |
meanwhile, in tudor england! shakespeare says "t-rex how come you didn't visit me yesterday?" and t-rex says "SHAKESPEARE i was busy rewriting out of copyright books!!" and shakespeare says "excuse me?", and then he says "i have written like 200 out-of-copyright books"
| null |
Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS today's technique: PLOT TWISTS
T-Rex: Plot twists are when you think the murderer was the cape guy, but then it turns out....
T-Rex: ...the murderer was actually this other cape guy!!
T-Rex: They also happen when a plant is revealed to ACTUALLY be a ghost plant. Or when Oedipus realizes he's in Oedipus Rex and then stabs out his eyes!
Dromiceiomimus: He actually stabs out his eyes because he realizes he's murdered his father and married his mother.
T-Rex: *gasp*
T-Rex: Twists upon twists!!
Utahraptor: Plot twists don't always happen at the end, though!
T-Rex: It's true!
T-Rex: Sometimes they happen in the middle. Like in romantic comedies when the female lead says "You know what I'M just not that into? NOT BEING IN MY GIANT ROBOT SUIT!" and then she walks around in her giant robot suit.
Utahraptor: ...What?
T-Rex: And then Mr. Darcy shows up in HIS robot suit, and he holds up a sign that says, "Forsooth, I had forgotten I ownned this Robot Suitte"?
T-Rex (punchline): Holy crap, Utahraptor! Would it be a plot twist IN MY OWN LIFE to spend all my time rewriting out-of-copyright books??
|
829 |
ryan can we have one comic about serious issues without full frontal PLEASE
| null |
Narrator: SUDDENLY: REMORSE!
T-Rex: Aw, I feel kinda bad about taking advantage of Captain Suggestible. What do you do with someone who is that damn suggestible?
T-Rex: Dude has his own problems!
T-Rex: It reminds me of this friend I had in high school who could never ever detect sarcasm, no matter what. It's such a small thing, but it would come up all the time when I'd be like, "oh, no, please, no more ketchup!" and then I wouldn't get any more ketchup when actually I wanted some more ketchup.
Dromiceiomimus: That came up all the time?
T-Rex: We were CRAZY DUDES in high school!!
Utahraptor: So you see Captain Suggestible as a tragic figure?
T-Rex: Maybe! Mostly I see elements of myself.
T-Rex: He's just got this big interpersonal thing where he's not quite sure what's appropriate, and because of that he transgresses unwritten societal boundaries all the time. I think we've all done that a little, and it's embarrassing!
Utahraptor: Ah, you refer to last Saturday night when you went nude swimming "by accident".
Narrator: LAST SATURDAY NIGHT:
T-Rex: EVERYONE! OBSERVE MY BEACH NUDITY!
T-Rex (punchline): THIS IS NO ACCIDENT
|
2,372 |
"bottomless desire to eat meat" in the "i like to fry up a steak with my pants off" sense
| null |
T-Rex: How come zombies don't eat other zombies? They hunger after the flesh of the living, right? Zombies aren't dead yet!
T-Rex: THEY SHOULD LOGICALLY BE EATING EACH OTHER.
T-Rex: And therefore we are all saved from a zombie apocalypse and you can thank me later! It was easy; I just used logic!
Dromiceiomimus: I think the idea is that zombies are undead?
T-Rex: Come on, what's "undead" mean? "Not dead". That's ALIVE, dude. You kill zombies by shooting 'em in the head, and if it can be killed, it wasn't dead, therefore: alive.
Utahraptor: Maybe they're a new form of life - a new species - and they have a leftover aversion to cannibalism?
T-Rex: PLEASE.
T-Rex: "Zombie life" looks exactly like regular life, only with some blood on its clothes. THEREFORE successful aversion to cannibalism would require each zombie conceptualize a mind-self/body-self dichotomy, something ALREADY hard enough when you're not consumed by endless hunger and a bottomless desire to eat meat!
T-Rex (punchline): BELIEVE ME
|
2,012 |
panel six: the most true panel six i've ever written??
| null |
T-Rex: What would it be like to be a millionaire? To have effectively unlimited disposable income?
God: WHY DON'T YOU FIND ONE AND ASK THEM
T-Rex: That's not a bad idea!
T-Rex: The only problem is, I don't know any millionaires! Where do you go to meet millionaires? Is there like, a pool I could hang out in? A pool where I can float over and say "Hey, you look nice, maybe we should be friends?"
T-Rex: "I am the only non-millionaire in this pool."
Narrator: LATER:
Utahraptor: That's the fifth pool this week, and no millionaires!
T-Rex: Just tiny women!
T-Rex: How is it we're SO GOOD at finding pools filled with very tiny women, but no good at finding pools filled with regular-sized millionaires?
Utahraptor: Are we CERTAIN the tiny women aren't millionaires?
T-Rex: Yeah, dollars are way too big for them to hold in their tiny hands.
T-Rex: Yep!
T-Rex (punchline): There's a lot about our world that doesn't REALLY make sense
|
1,591 |
not - not really sure at all how this took place
| null |
T-Rex: My autobiography, by me, T-Rex! *ahem*
T-Rex: I was born in the past.
T-Rex: But then I got older, you guys!
T-Rex: And I made some great friends and did some cool things. Eventually, one of these things I did was to write a book about them. And that brings us up to the present!
T-Rex: So! Now I'm writing my book and stepping on this tiny woman. I'm kinda hungry?
Utahraptor: Oh God, live autobiography!
T-Rex: My friend Utahraptor is sassing this book I'm writing. He's really insulting ALL of us!
T-Rex: "
Utahraptor: I'm not insulting anyone, I'm just not a fan of live autobio.
T-Rex: ", he said.
T-Rex: !
T-Rex: I'm not really sure how I did that!!
T-Rex (punchline): I'm REALLY NOT SURE how that happened
|
299 |
i was so tempted to change the pictures, just to give them little starfleet uniforms
| null |
Narrator: COMPRESSED FILM COMICS
Narrator: today's film:
Narrator: STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KHAN
T-Rex: Oh man!
T-Rex: Khaaaaaaaaan!
T-Rex: Hah hah, OK. You are my son, David, and we are trying to locate the Genesis device, which has been stolen, and which has the awesome power to reshape worlds!
T-Rex: I just hope my arch-nemesis, Khan, a genetically engineered superman from Earth's Eugenic Wars of the 1990s, doesn't show up!
T-Rex: I stranded him on a planet years ago, and he never forgets a face!
Utahraptor: To the last, I will grapple with thee! From hell's heart, I stab at thee!
T-Rex: Khan!
Utahraptor: That's right Kirk! And though I may think, tactically, in 2 dimensions, I can still destroy your precious Enterprise!
T-Rex: Not if I disable your ship first!
Utahraptor: Then I'll engage the Genesis device and blow us both out of the sky!
T-Rex: Scotty, I need warp speed in three minutes or we're all dead!
T-Rex (punchline): Although I somehow feel as though we'll warp away just as Genesis goes off, and that Spock will die at the end (needs of the many)!
|
957 |
body's in a museum beneath some wildly speculative text about the dude-based culture of the time
| null |
T-Rex: When I die, I want to be buried in a bog. I want to become a bog person!
God: ARE YOU SURE THAT'S A GOOD IDEA
T-Rex: Sure am!
T-Rex: The acidic and anaerobic bog water will preserve and tan my soft tissues, while dissolving the calcium in my bones! The end result is that thousands of years later, someone will find my body, still posed as I requested it, just a little floppy because there's no skeleton holding me up. THIS IS HOW I WANNA SPEND ETERNITY. Also: posed giving a Fonzie-style double thumbs up and holding a sign that says "Dudes, What's Shakin'."
Utahraptor: Will the sign be preserved?
T-Rex: Probably! If not, we can make it out of soft tissues.
Utahraptor: So you want to die and be posed holding a sign MADE OUT OF SKIN, and all the sign says is "Dudes, What's Shakin'" and there's not even a question mark.
T-Rex: It'll give future historians something to talk about! They will say, "Wow! Who was this incredible man?"
T-Rex: "Why was he so concerned with what was shakin' with the dudes?"
T-Rex (punchline): "Is that what killed him?"
|
853 |
can you imagine a world where everyone had an evil villain moustache? i, for one, would watch more reality television
| null |
T-Rex: Man! Time for me to grow some friggin' FACIAL HAIR.
T-Rex: [imagines himself sporting handlebar mustache]
T-Rex: YES.
T-Rex: This is one situation where men have the clear gender advantage!
Utahraptor: Facial hair?
T-Rex: Yep! Sure, women get to feel the miracle of life growing inside them and the joy of birth or of laying eggs or WHATEVER, but we get to engineer hairy faces AT OUR LEISURE.
Utahraptor: I don't get why you're casting this in terms of a gender battle, but yeah- I'm with beards over babies too!
T-Rex: The way you say it - is there actually an organization called Beards over Babies?
Off panel: Not to my knowledge!
T-Rex: Dude, we have to start it!!
T-Rex (punchline): Our logo can be a big ol' beard hovering over a truly startled baby!
|
842 |
counterfeit bills comics are distinct from counterfeit bill's comics, which are comics done by counterfeit bill, that loveable scamp with the tin can shoes
| null |
Off panel: Excuse me, sir!! This bill you gave me is counterfeit!
T-Rex: Aw snapadoodle!
Narrator: "COUNTERFEIT BILLS COMICS"
T-Rex: So then I just gave her a new bill. It was a little embarrassing, but my REAL problem is what to do with this fiver, now that I know it's a fake!
Dromiceiomimus: Spending it would just shift the problem onto somebody else.
T-Rex: Exactly! And bringing it to a bank just means I'm out $5; they wouldn't exchange it for a real bill because then the counterfeiters could just go to the banks too.
Utahraptor: I think you are an unfortunate victim without recourse of CURRENCY CRIME, my friend!
T-Rex: Aw poo.
Utahraptor: The best you can do is report it to the police and be more vigilant in the future. Unless you're willing to further the crime by passing it off as legal tender, I'm afraid you're out the five dollars.
T-Rex: Man! You know where I got the fake money? Change from a friggin' fast food restaurant.
T-Rex: I blame the Colonel Sanders!
God: COLONEL SANDERS HAS BEEN ADDED TO YOUR REVENGE LIST
T-Rex (punchline): Well good!
|
2,269 |
me writing this comic and everyone reading it is about as close as I can get to t-rex's utopia. remind yourself that what you hear is not a test, someone is rapping to the beat, and think of me
|
→ I wrote a book about Back to the Future! ←
|
T-Rex: Dude, what if the green I see isn't the same green that YOU see? We could all be seeing different colours, and maybe that's why we all have different favourites!
T-Rex: Whoooooaaaahhh
God: T-REX I ASK YOU FOR ONE THING YOU'D LIKE TO HAVE BROADCAST INTO THE MINDS OF EVERYONE ON THE PLANET AND THAT'S WHAT YOU CHOOSE
T-Rex: But think about it! Isn't it WEIRD?
God: LOOK MAN I'M NOT PUTTING THAT INTO EVERYONE'S MIND
T-Rex: FINE. I can do better!
T-Rex: I said a hip, hop, a hippie, a hippie -
Utahraptor: - to the hip hip hop and you don't stop
T-Rex: the rock it to the bang bang boogie say up jumped the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat!
God: WAIT A SEC THESE ARE JUST THE LYRICS TO "RAPPER'S DELIGHT"
T-Rex: Do you have any objections?
God: NOOOOOPE
Narrator: SHORTLY:
Off panel: Man, I got Sugarhill Gang's seminal hip hop jam "Rapper's Delight" stuck in my head!
Off panel: Me too!
T-Rex: *sigh*
T-Rex (punchline): Reality is so wonderful sometimes
|
340 |
i've been led to understand it's cool, anyway
| null |
Narrator: THINGS IT IS COOL TO DO
T-Rex: Two chicks at once!
T-Rex: Hah hah! Awesome!
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, do you think it's cool to do two chicks at once?
Dromiceiomimus: I object to the word "chicks"! Change it to "women".
T-Rex: Okay, it's cool to do two women at once!
Utahraptor: I object to the fact that this includes chicks, but excludes dudes!
T-Rex: FINE.
T-Rex: It's cool to do two non-gender-identified people at once.
Utahraptor: That's super cool!
T-Rex: Then we're agreed!
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex (punchline): Hey ladies!
|
1,190 |
bruce willis: GOOD TO HAVE AROUND?
| null |
T-Rex: A lot of people seem to have trouble separating actors from their roles.
T-Rex: But not me!
T-Rex: I'm different from everyone else. I get that Bruce Willis might not be that useful if terrorists take over an office tower Christmas party!
Dromiceiomimus: Come on, T-Rex. You suspect he'd be good to have around. If you were choosing your members for your "taking down terrorists while dying hard" team, you'd pick Bruce first.
T-Rex: Nope. He'd have to earn it! We'd do sports or something to see.
Utahraptor: Ridiculous! You confuse actors and the characters they play as much as any of us.
T-Rex: I really don't!
T-Rex: I won't say that I'm "better" for having this skill of "actor separation", but it's a skill I have that makes me better.
Utahraptor: You totally like actors if you like their characters, and vice versa. Come on, follow me. I'll prove it.
Narrator: SOON:
Off panel: T-Rex, there's Ben Affleck. Do you have anything to say to him?
T-Rex: BEN I QUESTION YOUR ACTING ABILITY! IF WE WERE ALL FRIENDS, I AM CERTAIN YOU WOULD BE "THE IRRITATING ONE"!
T-Rex (punchline): Oh my gosh, Utahraptor! I concede your point!
|
1,502 |
utahraptor's got the start of some pretty sick rhymes there in panel five! "you know at your parties i'm gonna pull a bruce wayne / sippin' on ginger ale like it was champagne / leave the party, all the shorties complain / don't got time to explain / why i got to refrain / keep your booze and keep your cocaine 'cause / i get high by beatin' up the criminally insane / it's a train of pain for croc's testicular vein / whoah, was that obscene? well obscene i remain"
| null |
T-Rex: When I drink, I tend to get sleepy, and then I tend to go to bed! Guys!
T-Rex: I'm thinking of giving up drinking!
T-Rex: Because the last time I left a party early to go have sleepytimes for about eight hours, it occured to me: ALCOHOL is doing this! Why am I drinking it? People drink to be interesting and to lose their inhibitions, but I'm ALREADY super interesting! Plus, dudes, I'm pretty sure I've lost any inhibitions I may have had long ago!!
Utahraptor: Oh great, you're gonna be Mr. "I've Given Up Drinking And Am Therefore Superior"!
T-Rex: That's exactly my fear!
T-Rex: I need to find a non-obnoxious way to show up at a party and announce to everyone that I'm no longer drinking.
Utahraptor: Why announce it at all, you know? Just pull a Bruce Wayne and drink ginger ale like it's champagne!
T-Rex: My God, Utahraptor, that's THE PERFECT SOLUTION. It combines my two greatest interests: acting like I'm Batman AND deceiving my closest friends!
T-Rex (punchline): What society calls "personality flaws" I call "What if you pretended you were Batman too".
|
2,017 |
i saw it in a documentary cartoon
| null |
T-Rex: We're all familiar with my amazing movie premise/actual film title, "The Earth Stops Spinning and Everybody Flies Into A Wall"! Because of an unfair universe it remains SADLY UNPRODUCED, but I still came up with an awesome sequel:
T-Rex: "The Day After The Earth Stops Spinning And Everybody Flies Into A Wall"!
T-Rex: Those who survived, either by crashing into a lake OR through store awnings, now face a World Without Rotation! Half the planet sits in six months of daylight while the other shivers through night, but their main problem isn't even that! When the planet stopped spinning yesterday, oceans sloshed onto land, and today, THEY'RE NOT ALL GOING BACK.
Utahraptor: Because without a spin, there's no centrifugal force!
T-Rex: EXACTLY.
T-Rex: Spinning made the earth bulge at the equator AND pulled water up onto that bulge. With it gone the oceans settle above and below the only dry land left: a huge megacontinent wrapping around the equator.
Utahraptor: Then what happens?
T-Rex: The planet begins to contract into a more perfect sphere!
Off panel: No I meant, what happens to the characters in the movie?
T-Rex: Who has time for characters? It's 2 hours of ocean crashing into things. And if you think that sounds boring you've never seen an ocean crash into a farm!
T-Rex (punchline): The sheep put on snorkel gear; it is PROBABLY the most adorable?
|
983 |
T-Rex used to think foreshadowing was a real yawnfest, but had a change of heart about it when he came across that explosion example in a book he was reading. Basically every page was like that, with characters loudly announcing that they hope they don't get blown up, and then they get blown up on the next page! It was a pretty awesome book, you guys
| null |
T-Rex: Foreshadowing is when you hint at what's about to happen next in a story! It happens whenever a character announces "BOY I SURE HOPE THERE ARE NO EXPLOSIONS ON THE NEXT PAGE!!" just before he gets blown up!
T-Rex: In an EXPLOSION!
Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS
Narrator: today's technique:
Narrator: FORESHADOWING
T-Rex: Foreshadowing's great, because sometimes people want to know what happens in a story before it actually happens. In situations like this, an author might write "Jenn realized that she was about to blast into space. Or WAS she?? You'd better keep reading, huh?" There, foreshadowing both hinted at the future of the story, AND encouraged the reader to keep reading. This is an extremely canonical use of foreshadowing.
Utahraptor: So doubt's important to foreshadowing?
T-Rex: Absolutely!
T-Rex: If you simply say "Jenn realized that she was about to blast into space! Seconds later, she blasted into space!" that is not foreshadowing. That is just outstanding space storytelling.
Utahraptor: I think it's still foreshadowing.
T-Rex: Yeah? Well maybe we'll see what SHAKESPEARE has to say...!
Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND!
T-Rex: Shakespeare, is it still foreshadowing if it's about a woman who's DEFINITELY blasting into space?
Off panel: i dunno... yes?
T-Rex: Shakespeare! The correct answer is "no!"
T-Rex (punchline): Pull yourself together, Shakespeare!
|
1,163 |
t-rex, this party is great! it's beyond my ability to reverse engineer!
| null |
T-Rex: So I've got this computer problem and I can't figure it out. Half the time when it boots up it finds the sound card, but half the time it doesn't! Aren't computers deterministic?
T-Rex: I really thought computers were deterministic!
T-Rex: But now, it seems instead of a computer I've got this MAGIC FEELINGS BOX on my desk, and when my feelings box feels like I deserve music, I get it, and when it doesn't, I don't. It's voodoo, Dromiceiomimus! It is voodoo.
Dromiceiomimus: Any sufficiently-advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic, T-Rex! Arthur C. Clarke said it.
T-Rex: He said it after he invented satellites, I KNOW
Utahraptor: I'm having a similar problem with my MP3 player! It keeps losing my playlist and I have no idea why.
T-Rex: Well Utahraptor, AS YOU KNOW, any sufficiently-advanced music player will be indistinguishable from magic.
Utahraptor: Come on, any sufficiently advanced ANYTHING will be indistinguishable from magic.
T-Rex: Wait, you've given me a great idea! Has that saying ever been applied to... PARTIES?
Narrator: SOON, AT T-REX'S SUFFICIENTLY-ADVANCED PARTY:
Multiple off-panel voices: This party rules, T-Rex!
T-Rex (punchline): Thanks, ladies!
Off panel: It's sufficiently advanced!
|
502 |
THANKS WIKIPEDIA
| null |
T-Rex: So what's the deal with...
T-Rex: ... POST-COMMUNISM?
Dromiceiomimus: You're going to have to define that for me, T-Rex!
T-Rex: It's what comes after communism, I think. Basically, what's the deal with it?
Utahraptor: You don't have any idea what post-communism is, do you T-Rex?
T-Rex: I freely admit that I do not!
T-Rex: But I ask: assuming it exists, what is its deal?
Utahraptor: Are you really interested? Is this your way of showing interest? I could tell you all about it if you want.
T-Rex: Please!
Narrator: SHORTLY:
T-Rex: Really? No state has ever claimed to have reached a fully communist system, and so the term is inaccurate, etymologically speaking?
T-Rex (punchline): That's pretty cool!
|
1,507 |
oh t-rex if only you'd said "dinosaur cultural universals", this all could have been (arguably) avoided
| null |
T-Rex: Cultural universals, like linguistic universals, are properties that are found in EVERY SINGLE CULTURE EVER!
T-Rex: For example: cultures universally have units of time!
T-Rex: And cultures universally consume food and water, which makes sense because otherwise they'd be dead. And cultures universally have beliefs about death and about disease and cultures universally have concepts of both music and dance!
Dromiceiomimus: Universally? Really?
T-Rex: Yep! Scientists looked at HISTORY.
Utahraptor: Um, that's not actually universal, T-Rex! "Universal" means EVERYTHING, not just Earth!
T-Rex: What?
Utahraptor: But you're using it to mean "just on Earth, actually, and um, just within the history we remember". That's RACIST against people from unrecorded history, PLUS it's racist against every other form of life in the entire Universe. Basically I'm saying that you are perilously close to being the MOST PREJUDICED RACIST GUY EVER IN TIME.
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: Dear audio diary! I - I must now record the one sentence I'd always thought I'd be able to avoid.
T-Rex: *sigh*
T-Rex (punchline): ...Alright. Today I somehow leveled up my racism like infinity times.
|
1,360 |
YOU GUYS!! IT DOESN'T EVEN SOUND THAT FUN BUT IT STILL MANAGES TO DISAPPOINT
| null |
T-Rex: Okay so this game is called "Guess Two Thirds of the Average"! We all pick a number between 0 and 100 and guess what 2/3rds of the average of everyone else's guesses will be!
T-Rex: The winner is the person who guesses the closest number!
T-Rex: So let's say everyone else chose 100 - you'd want to choose 66.67, because that's 2/3rds of 100. But the catch is you all choose your numbers at the same time and don't tell the other players.
Dromiceiomimus: So, 66.67 is really the ceiling - any number larger than that can't possibly win!
T-Rex: Exactly!
Utahraptor: But I can assume all the other players know this too, and won't guess higher than 66.67.
T-Rex: Yep!
Utahraptor: So in that case I should choose 2/3rds of THAT, which is - 44.44?
T-Rex: But assuming the other players know that too...
Utahraptor: ...then I keep taking 2/3rds of the number, until I end up at 0.
Utahraptor: Woo
Narrator: LATER:
Off panel: Who here can name a game that sounds like it's way more fun than it actually is?
T-Rex: GUESS TWO THIRDS OF THE AVERAGE GUESS TWO THIRDS OF THE AVERAGE!!
T-Rex: PICK ME!
T-Rex (punchline): GUESS TWO THIRDS OF THE AVERAGE
|
1,111 |
anyway, let's go to a different restaurant tonight. i'm only going back to that place in character from now on.
| null |
T-Rex: Who was the dude sitting alone at the biggest table in a packed restaurant last night, waiting for friends who never came? It was ME!
T-Rex: Friiiiiig!
Dromiceiomimus: But it's tonight that we're all planning to meet for dinner!
T-Rex: I know! I got the dates confused and there I was, Mr. No Friends Who Likes To Pretend. After about 30 minutes I started smiling at people who'd look at me and make this shrugging "Friends, huh? They sure are unreliable!" gesture, which I'd then follow up with a "I have lots of friends" hand signal. Looks like this.
Utahraptor: So you were That Guy at the restaurant!
T-Rex: I was! But then I started trying to own it, you know?
T-Rex: I ordered this big appetizer platter "for my friends when they arrive" and distributed it so there was food for everyone, slowly picking at my share while the rest went cold. It was great. I perfected this heartbreakingly hopeful glance up whenever new people came in.
Utahraptor: Oh man!
T-Rex: Eventually I just stopped looking up at all, blankly staring at the chicken wing bones on my plate. Finally I ordered a piece of cake with a candle and sang "Happy birthday" to myself, quiet and soft.
T-Rex (punchline): The waitress gave me the cake for free!
|
798 |
this is a crazy comic about how t-rex likes the kanye west song from a while ago. have you heard the song? it's pretty catchy and it is about a woman who digs for gold, totally metaphorically!
| null |
T-Rex: Man! What is the DEAL with triflin' friends indeed?
T-Rex: They appear to reliably take my money when I'm in need!
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! Here's a crazy question. Would you say that YOU are a triflin' friend indeed?
Dromiceiomimus: I would not, T-Rex! I would not. I'm not triflin'!
T-Rex: I don't know - are you sure you're not possibly.... triflin'??
Dromiceiomimus: You don't even know what the word means! You got it from a song.
Narrator: EARLIER:
T-Rex: I am IN LOVE with this song!
Utahraptor: Which song?
T-Rex: The "Gold Digger" one. It's about a woman who is a gold digger, and then the narrator suggests to her that maybe she's a gold digger!
Utahraptor: Then what happens?
T-Rex: Then she takes the narrator's money when he's in need!
Narrator: EARLIER:
T-Rex (punchline): What's this, a radio?
Off panel: [small, song] we want pre-nup
|
525 |
what are your opinions on gay marriage and other issues current in our political discourse
| null |
T-Rex: I have discovered the secret to being totally famous! I will now share this secret.
T-Rex: The secret is to be CONTROVERSIAL!
T-Rex: That way, everyone is talking and thinking about you. You become famous simply for holding a contested opinion! And the best part is you don't actually HAVE to hold the opinion, you just have to say you do. It's so easy! Dromiceiomimus, what are your thoughts on gay marriage and prohibition?
Dromiceiomimus: Prohibition? Why prohi-
T-Rex: I DISAGREE!!
Utahraptor: Wow, people are going to think you're an ass!
T-Rex: A CONTROVERSIAL ass, though! Of fame!
Utahraptor: No, not really! It's annoying, insincere, and unattractive! Nobody likes someone who is controversial just for the attention.
T-Rex: Maybe they do!
Narrator: TURNS OUT THEY DON'T:
T-Rex (punchline): Well, that's it for me!
|
2,488 |
BASICALLY MY MIND CAN MEASURE THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SOUND ARRIVING ON EACH SIDE OF MY HEAD AND FROM THAT TRIANGULATE A SOURCE POSITION, THANKS
| null |
T-Rex: Hello there! If you're like most people aged 0 to death, you probably have FEELINGS. If you're angry you might say "Hi, I feel angry" or if you're horny you might be heard to remark, "Yo, I'm all horned up".
T-Rex: You may even be experiencing feelings right now!
T-Rex: This is fine. Well, I mean, it's "fine" if you think having your experience of the world coloured by mind-altering chemicals is a "cool" way to go through life. If you think chemicals like serotonin and dopamine are "rad", please, continue your addictive behaviour by seeking out people and situations that give your brain access to those substances.
Utahraptor: T-Rex, I have good evidence that YOU are an emotional being as well!
T-Rex: *gasp*
Utahraptor: AND I would suggest you talk down feelings because it produces in you the emotion... of superiority!
Off panel: Boo!
Off panel: BOOO!
Utahraptor: The people standing behind me agree with me!
Off panel: Boooo!!
Off panel: Hiss!
Off panel: Down with T-Rex!
Off panel: The people standing behind you agree with me as well!
T-Rex (punchline): I HAVE DIRECTIONAL HEARING TOO, THANKS
|
1,007 |
now, if you'll excuse me, i'm TRYING to write william shakespeare's ''hamlet''!!
| null |
T-Rex: Pathetic fallacy is when nature reflects someone's emotions. It happens whenever Shakespeare gets pissed, and then the dude who he's pissed at gets eaten by a bear!
Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS
Narrator: today's technique:
Narrator: PATHETIC FALLACY
Dromiceiomimus: That's not pathetic fallacy! It's when you give emotions to the inanimate: "ice wants to float", and so on. It can also happen when weather mirrors a character's emotions, like when Shakespeare gets sad, and it starts to rain. I think that's what you meant?
T-Rex: OR, when Shakespeare gets pissed, and then a bear shows up and eats whoever pissed him off!! Hah, looks like YOU pissed off the wrong playwright, dude! He's in with the BEARS!!
Utahraptor: The phrase comes about because of the "pathos" meaning of "pathetic"!
T-Rex: Yes!
T-Rex: And "fallacy" is there because in real life it doesn't actually rain when I get sad.
Utahraptor: Maybe it doesn't happen for you because YOU'RE not a main character! In the story of life?
T-Rex: I don't know why you'd say that to me, Utahraptor.
Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND!
T-Rex (punchline): William Shakespeare, if you were pissed off at me, would I REALLY get eaten by a bear?
Off panel: i don't even know who you are!!
|
990 |
later, t-rex sits in a boat, and wonders about women.
| null |
T-Rex: Would I ever want to get married one day?
T-Rex: I don't know! Maybe!
T-Rex: I guess I'll burn that bridge when I come to it?
T-Rex: I do kinda feel like I should ALREADY know the answer to "do you want to get married someday", you know, Dromiceiomimus? It's such a big thing -- you're sharing your LIFE with someone! Until you DIE! -- that saying "if it happened it'd be nice, but no worries!" seems - disingenuous?
Dromiceiomimus: I guess! I know I'd like to get married someday.
T-Rex: I'm not ruling it out!
Utahraptor: You're not committing to it either!
T-Rex: I guess love and the artifacts of affection are so played up in our society that by being noncommittal to its (arguably) greatest expression, marriage, I avoid tacitly endorsing the commercialization of an emotion and the industry surrounding it!
Utahraptor: Perhaps!
T-Rex: Or perhaps I don't want to say "I WANT TO GET MARRIED SOMEDAY" because if I never meet someone then I've FAILED at a life plan. Much better to say "I WANT TO GET INTO A BOAT SOMEDAY" and then just sit in some dude's boat! IN FACT, I'm going to the docks right now!
T-Rex (punchline): LATER, suckers!
|
2,034 |
that's right sucky jerk, i said it! try to act surprised when the information reaches you 50 billion years from now
| null |
God: T-REX YESTERDAY WHEN YOU AGREED EVERYTHING COULD KILL YOU I DON'T THINK YOU CONSIDERED A 4D PAST LIGHT HYPERCONE INTERACTING AS SPHERES WITH THE HYPERSURFACE OF THE PRESENT
T-Rex: Yeah, that sounds about right!
God: HOLD ON LET ME REDUCE THAT TO 3D AND ALSO BE A LITTLE MORE
God: GRAPHIC
God: YO CHECK IT
God: [shows a light cone diagram; source: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:World_line.svg]
God: ONLY THINGS IN YOUR PAST LIGHT CONE CAN AFFECT/KILL YOU
T-Rex: Because nothing travels faster than light!
Utahraptor: Huh?
T-Rex: If some sucky jerk is 50 million light years away, he can't kill me! He's not inside my past light cone. Hah hah! I'M INVINCIBLE against far-away chunks of the universe! SUCK ON THAT, distant matter!!
Utahraptor: But your past light cone expands with time. Eventually it'll encompass the entire universe!
Off panel: My point is: if that jerk fired a light-speed bullet 50 million years ago at where you are right now, you'll get shot right... about... NOW.
T-Rex: ...
T-Rex: Hah hah!
T-Rex (punchline): Not only is he a SUCKY JERK, but his aim STINKS
|
314 |
he only wanted to be a king
| null |
T-Rex: Who knew that designing a functional time machine was so difficult?
T-Rex: Not me: that's for darn sure!
Dromiceiomimus: Oh, T-Rex! Back from your adventure through time?
T-Rex: NO! It's freaking impossible to build a time machine! My enthusiasm yesterday was clearly UNWARRANTED.
Utahraptor: But T-Rex, you really got my hopes up!
T-Rex: I know and I'm sorry!
T-Rex: But you're the skeptical one! You should have realized I couldn't invent a time machine overnight!
Utahraptor: I guess I just got swept up in the enthusiasm.
Utahraptor: Ah well.
Narrator: T-REX HAS A MOMENT OF EMPATHY:
T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] Aww!
|
682 |
FRIGGIN' RACISTS MESSING UP MY GENERALIZATIONS, ALSO STEALING MY JOBS, WOMEN
| null |
T-Rex: I wonder if there are any revelations that would make me want to end a long-term friendship with someone. What would they have to say?
T-Rex: I guess if they were a crazy racist, that would probably do it!
T-Rex: But then I wouldn't be friends with them in the first place, I bet - UNLESS they'd kept it hidden until now. Could I be friends with someone, knowing they're a crazy racist? And would it make a difference if it never really came up that often?
Utahraptor: This is actually a pretty tricky question I've considered myself, T-Rex!
T-Rex: Really?
Utahraptor: Yeah! Because I wouldn't really want to be friends with a crazy racist either, but isn't that sort of just fighting intolerance with intolerance? The person was still your friend for years and years, so they're probably a good person, all the crazy racism aside.
T-Rex: Well, I guess the difference is that nobody will ever get mad at you for being intolerant of racism! Except for racists.
T-Rex: But it's okay, because everyone hates racists, right?
T-Rex (punchline): E-Except for racists.
|
2,040 |
Toronto's politicians and tourism board will look up and shout "Boo hoo hoo we can't increase tourism and we've never even tried calling ourselves 'Omega City, Where It's Always Two For One Tacos', tell us what to do Ryan" and I'll look down and whisper, "No."
| null |
T-Rex: It turns out the world is chock full of IMAGINARY INVISIBLE LINES, and if I cross some of them, NOT ONLY do I become a wanted felon but I also get to be shot and killed!
T-Rex: Borders: SUPER WEIRD??
T-Rex: At some point someone had to sit down and said "Whoah! Hold on, everyone! I just imagined an invisible something SO IMPORTANT that if you refuse to imagine the exact same thing, then we all get to kill you!" That's some pretty hard-core imagination, fella! One time I imagined a hat that you put drinks in and then you get to drink out of the hat, but it turned out that was already invented.
T-Rex: ...I forget where I was going with this
Utahraptor: Borders: super weird?
T-Rex: Borders: SUPER WEIRD!!
T-Rex: Entire communities live on borders, some even straddling their imaginary line. And if enough people decide to imagine it differently, the line can change: you go to bed in Country Boringtimes and wake up in Country Omega, Where It's Always Two For One Tacos!
Utahraptor: Granted, that's the best possible scenario.
T-Rex: *sigh*
T-Rex: The greatest proof we're not meant to be happy all the time is that country Omega doesn't exist and yet is SO EASY to imagine!
Off panel: You just take an existing country and add universal two for one tacos!
T-Rex (punchline): I KNOW; I JUST SAID IT WAS REALLY EASY
|
1,745 |
hey what do you know, a comic about the oil spill and the g20 all in one
| null |
T-Rex: Mistakes are terrible. From now on, doctors are NOT ALLOWED to make mistakes, okay? Excellent.
T-Rex: EXCELLENT.
T-Rex: Also mechanics aren't allowed to make mistakes either. And the police. And judges and lawmakers. And corporations. NO MORE MISTAKES, EVERYONE. It's too easy to say "It was a mistake", and it's way too easy to say "I'm sorry". From now on we're all going to try something a little bit harder, and we're going to call it "NOT SCREWING UP".
Utahraptor: Mistakes happen, T-Rex! We don't have absolute control over everything.
T-Rex: Too easy, Utahraptor!
T-Rex: "Mistakes happen" is the effect, and I'm talking about stopping the cause. Just don't allow mistakes to happen in the first place, and OH SNAP, your homespun excusionary aphorisms will no longer apply!
Utahraptor: I look forward to seeing you never make a mistake again.
T-Rex: SO DO I, ACTUALLY.
T-Rex: Man!
T-Rex (punchline): Things are gonna be GREAT.
|
2,118 |
the sentence raced past the barn fell
| null |
T-Rex: If you're not part of the solution
T-Rex: then it seems you agree
T-Rex: problems have their own romance too
Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex that's nice but what happened to your punctuation?
T-Rex: It is a problem
T-Rex: Utahraptor
T-Rex: Embrace the romance of my new problem
Utahraptor: Okay
T-Rex: Liberated from punctuation we can speak without limits
God: I HAVE BEEN DOING IT FOR YEARS
Utahraptor: Never have I felt so free
T-Rex: Man forget punctuation forget it all to heck
T-Rex: Do you remember when we used things like commas and periods and question marks
Off panel: That punctuation slowed down my typing
T-Rex: That punctuation added to comprehension ease is false
T-Rex (punchline): Wait hold on what
|
2,334 |
This belief in historical significance is constantly reaffirmed by the other linguistic reindeer of Case #4739, who have been observed shouting it out with what appears to be glee. Extreme caution around these animals is recommended to all Agents at all times.
| null |
Narrator: CASE FILE #5219 RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER
T-Rex: Thank you all for coming: I remind you this meeting is classified. "Rudolph" is an English-speaking reindeer who can fly.
T-Rex: Obviously if these were his only traits, he'd be filed under Case #4739 with the others!
T-Rex: But he's distinguished by his strange nose, which emits radiation through an unknown but presumed organic process. A fraction of this radiation exists at the low end of the visible spectrum, and as such, his "red nose" has been used by Case #1023 as a guide - always on foggy Christmas Eves.
Dromiceiomimus: And yet, as all motorists know, using a bright light in fog actually reduces visibility. What's going on here?
Utahraptor: The answer is simple: this light exists outside public radiological models.
T-Rex: Please, Dr. Utahraptor, proceed!
Utahraptor: Long-range readings suggest this light somehow destroys H2O molecules on contact, absorbing nucleonic energy as fuel for further charged-photonic output. As we're each over 50% water, any direct exposure to "Rudolph" is to be avoided.
T-Rex: His utility in fog now becomes evident. There's just one more thing!
T-Rex: His belief he'll "go down in history", combined with his powerful nose, makes him one of the most unpredictable and dangerous entities above the 60th parallel. Agents: if and when he does decide to go down in history, we must ensure he's on the right side of it.
T-Rex (punchline): Dismissed!
|
429 |
in this timeline, i get to wear a suit!
| null |
Narrator: COMPRESSED FILM COMICS: "THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT"
T-Rex: Time to fix all my relationship issues with my girlfriend, Kayleigh, by going back in time...
T-Rex: ...using the power of my MIND!
Narrator: SHORTLY:
Off panel: Everything's fine, CEPT YOU GOT NO LEGS!
T-Rex: Shit!
Narrator: SOON:
Dromiceiomimus: Everything's fine, except now Kayleigh's father has become a crazy pedophile!
T-Rex: Huh?
T-Rex: Oh well! I can fix THAT!
Narrator: SOON:
Utahraptor: Everything's fine, except now Kayleigh dropped out of school to become a prostitute!
T-Rex: Sheesh!
Narrator: SOON:
Utahraptor: Okay, everything's fine, except you accidently killed Kayleigh's little brother Tommy! Whoops!
T-Rex: Darn it!
T-Rex: THIS time...
Narrator: SOON:
Off panel: Everything's fine, except now you totally never meet Kayleigh!
T-Rex (punchline): That's okay!
|
1,751 |
Plus those generally shoot out from the tear ducts anyway, so WHATEVER
| null |
T-Rex: Back in the time of History, how sight worked was pretty confusing. Rather than light entering our eyes, folks thought our eyes were sending beams OUT to whatever we were seeing.
T-Rex: Oh snap! It's the emission theory of vision, bitches!
Dromiceiomimus: But if it were true, how come we can't see in the dark?
T-Rex: Ah, that's because our eye beams need sunlight to work properly. And before you say "How come we can glance quickly at stars and see them even though they're super far away", THAT'S because our eye beams move infinitely fast, OBVIOUSLY.
T-Rex: The theory also implied that anywhere someone wasn't looking was TOTALLY DARK.
Utahraptor: That's kind of awesome!
T-Rex: I know! I imagine Earth seen from space, spots lighting up wherever people are looking, darkening briefly as they blink, beams blasting out into the universe whenever someone glances above the horizon.
T-Rex and Utahraptor: Totally sweet!
T-Rex: Anyway! It turns out that emission theory was wrong: our eyes don't shoot out energy beams; the only things we ever shoot out of our eyes are tears, lymph, and blood.
T-Rex (punchline): And even then: ONLY SOMETIMES.
|
2,252 |
this or storage wars, or as it's called in this universe, "MYSTERY PURCHASE SUMMER OLYMPICS XTREME"
| null |
T-Rex: We have Olympics for physical fitness, where everyone stops whatever they're doing AND drops whatever they're holding so they can watch men and women be really physical around each other!! It's awesome!
T-Rex: But we need Olympics for non-physical competition too!
T-Rex: I want to watch the Olympics of, I don't know - general knowledge! Let's see our greatest champions of knowing a bunch of things compete!!
Dromiceiomimus: That's Jeopardy, dude.
T-Rex: MAYBE! But do they get medals at the end??
Dromiceiomimus: They get money, which they can use to purchase many items, including medals.
Utahraptor: And the first-place winner has the most money, ergo, the nicest potential medal!
T-Rex: Okay, that's a good point!
T-Rex: But can one gather for the thrill of watching these fine specimens compete live??
Utahraptor: They have a studio audience, yes.
T-Rex: Well shoot, why do they call it Jeopardy?? They should call it, "Brain Olympics"! I'd watch EVERY DANG NIGHT!!
Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX WATCHES "BRAIN OLYMPICS" EVERY DANG WEEKDAY NIGHT AT 7 PM:
T-Rex (punchline): Dear God, if I have to die, please let it be doing this
|
1,297 |
It's not even a game where your role can easily be replaced by a machine. It's a game where you could easily be replaced AND if you don't play optimally, the machine will step in and kick you out. If ever there was a system designed to make the computers running it become thoroughly exasperated with organic life, THIS IS IT.
| null |
T-Rex: It turns out there are some regions where my Hyperbingo™ is played. Neat!
T-Rex: And it's all thanks to legal loopholes!
T-Rex: AS IT HAPPENS, in some areas gambling is heavily regulated, but bingo is a special case that isn't. And so companies have built electronic bingo machines, exactly as I envisioned! What's more, some have used bingo as an engine to power other types of gambling, like poker and slot machines. The game plays a hidden bingo game, and if you get a bingo, your slots will ALWAYS come up as three cherries. It's nuts! Bingo's being used in ways GOD NEVER INTENDED.
Utahraptor: But how do they translate bingo into poker? You have choice over what cards stay in your hand!
T-Rex: They CHEAT!
T-Rex: Say you got a quick bingo, and that translates to a royal flush. You're doomed to win! If you throw away all your cards, you're just gonna get dealt the same flush in a new suit. Even if you try to lose, the computer will step in and CHANGE YOUR CARDS, or just make you win the next game.
Utahraptor: Insane!
Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE FUTURE!
Off panel: CITIZENS! YOU HAVE ABUSED THE POWER OF BINGO, AND WE BINGO-POWERED CYBORGS ARE THE PRODUCT OF YOUR BINGO-POWERED HUBRIS. GUESS IF WE ARE GOING TO DESTROY ALL ORGANIC LIFE!
T-Rex (punchline): Y- yes?
Off panel: ONE WORD:
Off panel: BINGO.
|
336 |
this just in: cephalopods damn freaky
| null |
Narrator: A CASE OF CUTTLEFISH
T-Rex: I believe I shall take a brief repose to calm my agitated nerves!
T-Rex: Ah, 'tis something soothing to discover yourself engaged in something you very much enjoy.
T-Rex: Stomping for me is one such pass-time!
Utahraptor: Good sir! I pray that you stop!
T-Rex: What knavery?
Utahraptor: I ask only for your attention, for my sister is deathly ill with the cholera!
T-Rex: Why, we dined together just a fortnight ago, did we not?
T-Rex: I remember it well; I had a disappointing dish of cuttlefish!
T-Rex (punchline): Do you not recall how I remarked upon my disappointment?
|
1,716 |
yesterday all the emilys in the audience were saying "yes! awesome!", now all the doctors madame frances experimentos are saying "yes! FINALLY."
| null |
[Dromiceiomimus's daydream]
T-Rex: Hello, Dromiceiomimus! Or should I say... EMILY??
[Dromiceiomimus's daydream]
T-Rex: Because for some reason I totally believe that's your name!
[Dromiceiomimus's daydream]
T-Rex: Even though we're super close and I've known you for years and years, it seems PERFECTLY REASONABLE to me that you'd have a name you never told me. PS: I am an adult.
[Dromiceiomimus stops daydreaming, visibly irritated]
Utahraptor: Hey, you're not actually calling Dromiceiomimus "Emily" are you?
T-Rex: DUDE.
T-Rex: That's not her name! She was TOTES OFFENDED.
Utahraptor: I thought you knew I was joking!! I thought you knew "Emily"'s not her name.
Utahraptor: ...It's actually "Doctor Madame Frances Experimento, LLC."
T-Rex: INTERESTING
[Dromiceiomimus's daydream]
T-Rex: Guys, guys!!
T-Rex (punchline): Watch as I believe anything anyone tells me for at least ten minutes!!
|
1,342 |
see how i avoided the "christmas is coming" joke? ryan north = PURE CLASS
| null |
T-Rex: Attention, retail establishments! Hallowe'en is barely over.
T-Rex: Let us bask in the afterglow a bit before rolling over and kissing Christmas!
T-Rex: The worst part of this is that even COMPLAINING about the early commercialization of Christmas is passé. It's like airline food! The zeitgeist has already moved on to acceptance and "their chefs do good work under difficult circumstances" and I'm left saying "Hey notice how this sucks, though?"
Dromiceiomimus: Friggin' zeitgeists, eh?
T-Rex: I know!!
Utahraptor: "Rolling over and kissing Christmas"?
T-Rex: I'm experimenting with it!
T-Rex: I figure if everyone is gonna accept insanely early Christmas marketing, then I'M just going to sexually anthropomorphize the holidays. That way, when people encounter Christmas marketing, the disquieting thoughts they got from ME will at least make them aware of it!
Utahraptor: Huh!
Narrator: ONE YEAR LATER:
Off panel: Attention, shoppers: boxing day is stripping down to its lingerie, and on our third floor, New Year's Eve wants you to have sex with it.
T-Rex (punchline): WHAT HAVE I WROUGHT
|
1,121 |
the non-asw ending has t-rex alone talking to his muscles, which he calls 'the ladies'. he's all, 'what's that, ladies? you wonder if i drink the elixir again if it'll be additive and i'll gain the strength of 40 girlfriends, or if it'll be multiplicative and i'll actually gain the strength of 400 girlfriends? that's a lot of girlfriends, ladies!'
| null |
T-Rex: What would be the best thing for me to do tonight? As I see it, I could do the dishes, or I could mop the floors, or I GUESS I could invent an elixir that gives me the strength of twenty men.
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: Or I guess I could do all three!
Narrator: THE NEXT MORNING:
T-Rex: And that's the amazing true story of how I invented my elixir, Dromiceiomimus.
Dromiceiomimus: And it really works? It gives you the strength of twenty men?
T-Rex: ALMOST. It actually gives me the strength of twenty girlfriends!
T-Rex: They're tough girlfriends.
Utahraptor: I'm uh, I'm still not really solid on what the elixir does.
T-Rex: Strength! 20 girlfriends!
Utahraptor: Yeah, I get that! So, what: the mental strength, self-confidence and I guess time-management skills intrinsic to having twenty girlfriends?
T-Rex (punchline): No. What? I don't know how to explain it better. If twenty girlfriends can lift up a car then I can lift up that car too.
Narrator: SPECIAL "A SOFTER WORLD" ENDING:
[the rest of the panel text resembles paper strips with typerwriter font, as in "a softer world"]
Typewriter strip: with the strength of 20 girlfriends I can lift up cars
Typewriter strip: i can juggle pianos
Typewriter strip: so i really don't see how winning your heart requires 21
|
1,636 |
if you get in trouble for painting a bum on a wall, don't worry, for this is the sort of trouble that men will grow to envy
| null |
T-Rex: House shopping is what you do when you think, "Man, rent is pretty expensive! Furthermore, I'd like to paint a bum on the wall and not get in trouble."
T-Rex: So you decide you're in the market for a house!
T-Rex: Now you've done it. Now you're looking to spend HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS on a single object. This is like spending all this money on - I don't know, a cookie. Only, you can't eat your cookie, and when you're not looking your cookie can BURN DOWN. Oh! And your cookie is SO EXPENSIVE that the time you'll take to pay back the loan you'll need to buy even a tiny cookie is routinely measured in DECADES.
T-Rex: Man! I hope this stupid cookie is worth it!
Utahraptor: Your cookie can increase in value though!
T-Rex: Sure! But it can also decrease in value, both due to events ENTIRELY OUTSIDE YOUR CONTROL.
Utahraptor: But your rent money can now build cookie equi- look, can we say "house" and not "cookie"? This analogy isn't getting us anything.
T-Rex: I disagree!! It sounded like you were about to say "cookie equity".
T-Rex: Hello?!
T-Rex (punchline): That certainly sounds like an analogy worth pursuing to me!
|
1,187 |
surf city was actually written by brian wilson with some other non-beach boys, so really, t-rex is concerned about Beach Boys FANON.
| null |
Narrator: COMPRESSED SONG COMICS "WOULDN'T IT BE NICE" BY THE BEACH BOYS
T-Rex: The Beach Boys... well, it seems the Beach Boys wish they were older, living together, and sleeping with each other.
T-Rex: They describe such a scenario as "nice"!
T-Rex: Other scenarios they describe as "nice" include all five Beach Boys waking up together, spending the day together, and then holding each other close. They also wish their kisses were neverending, as that would be nice, and they wish they were all married, because if they were married, they'd be happy. "Wouldn't [that] be nice?", they ask each other in the chorus, largely rhetorically.
Utahraptor: They're talking to a GIRL, T-Rex, not each other!
T-Rex: So heteronormative!
T-Rex: Listen, if there's a group of people on stage and they start out throwing out "wouldn't it be nice if WE were older"s, I don't imagine a hypothetical female third party! I look at THEM.
Utahraptor: They address later lyrics to "baby"!
T-Rex: That is an audience member baby, acting as SCRIBE.
Narrator: COMPRESSED SONG COMICS "SURF CITY" BY THE BEACH BOYS
T-Rex: After moving in together, the Beach Boys take a trip to Surf City, where there's two women for every man!
T-Rex (punchline): It's difficult to reconcile the events in this song with established Beach Boys canon
|
1,639 |
autobiographers often add last-minute hand-written additions to their books, i insist that this is actually the case
| null |
T-Rex: OKAY. In my new alternate history, everything is the same, except for one pertinent detail:
T-Rex: Instead of my skin being green, it's purple!!
T-Rex: And the whole book is this alternate T-Rex writing about how his life has gone so far!
Dromiceiomimus: Alternate history autobio? I think you've invented a new genre here, T-Rex!
T-Rex: I KNOW!
T-Rex: The only problem is, the book's only super awesome if you already know me, otherwise you won't notice the differences.
Utahraptor: And let me guess: the difference is that we're all racist against you?
T-Rex: Nope!
T-Rex: You guys aren't racist. Actually, except for the skin thing there's not really ANY differences, and come to think of it, I don't think I even mentioned my skin colour either.
Utahraptor: ..Seriously?
T-Rex: No worries! I'll just pencil in "PS, I was purple the entire time!" on the last page of every copy!
Narrator: LATER, AT THE BOOKSTORE:
T-Rex: So!
T-Rex (punchline): It turns out it was way more fun to write it in all the other autobiographies instead
|
1,350 |
sorry, mad scientists, i didn't mean to imply you were undateable. the more i think about it, the more i'm convinced: you probably set up some pretty awesome dates.
| null |
Narrator: "EUPHEMISMS" FOR DATING
T-Rex: Yes! Maybe sometimes you don't want to throw the fact that you've found happiness in the arms of another in my face? Maybe you need some "euphemisms".
T-Rex: For example!
T-Rex: Instead of saying "Sally and I are now dating exclusively" you can say "Sally and I are now seeing other people ONLY WITH REGRET." On second thought, maybe you should keep the "Sally and I are now dating exclusively" because if I don't want to acknowledge your commitment, I can play dumb and say, "Sally and you are now dating exclusively... axe murderers? Mad scientists? Um, DOGS?"
Utahraptor: So, hey, your euphemisms are pretty weak so far!
T-Rex: Yes. Allow me to correct that!
T-Rex: Instead of "T-Rex, we're dating": "T-Rex, we're eating an awful lot of picnics on Sundays", "T-Rex, we're hanging out more than can be politely explained away", "T-Rex, we're playing Mega Man in two-player mode".
Utahraptor: Mega Man doesn't have a two-player mode.
T-Rex: Not for us, Utahraptor! Not for us.
T-Rex (punchline): *sigh*
|
1,563 |
PRO TIP: this comic also works if you remove the thought bubbles, but then it's just dromiceiomimus and utahraptor acting really unimpressed with t-rex's thoughtful gifts
| null |
[Dromiceiomimus's daydream]
T-Rex: Today is the day I give Dromiceiomimus the nice book I bought for her!
[Dromiceiomimus's daydream]
T-Rex: Yes! I am the thoughtful friend who buys presents for no reason!
[Dromiceiomimus's daydream]
T-Rex: And even though sometimes I talk so much that I don't let her get a word in edgewise, I'm still happy to give her the book I got, called "I'll Talk Less And Listen More: A Book To Give To A Friend Who Is Pretty Okay, More Than Pretty Okay, Even!"
Dromiceiomimus: [stops daydreaming] *sigh*
[Utahraptor's daydream]
T-Rex: Utahraptor, I bought you some shoes!
Utahraptor: Really? Wow! What size?
[Utahraptor's daydream]
T-Rex: I asked for size AWESOME! ...And then I clarified that down to a size large. Here you go, my friend! Thanks for being so great!
Utahraptor: [stops daydreaming] *sigh*
Floating Batman head: [in T-Rex's imagination] The thing is, if I were real, I think we both know that I'd never have the time to hang out with a NON crime-fighting dinosaur.
T-Rex: ...
T-Rex (punchline): *sigh*
|
1,226 |
well, it seems your mortgage application forms are all in order! i like that in a woman.
| null |
T-Rex: I've come up with a great way to make any otherwise-flattering compliment totally creepy. It's so easy!
T-Rex: You just have to follow it up with "I like that in a woman"!
T-Rex: An example! Dromiceiomimus, you've got a very pretty body!
Dromiceiomimus: Um, thanks, I guess!
T-Rex: Now compare and contrast: Dromiceiomimus, you've got a very pretty body! I like that in a woman.
Dromiceiomimus: Oh God. Let's never talk again.
Utahraptor: Hey, I bet it works on men too!
T-Rex: There's one way to find out, my friend!
T-Rex: Utahraptor, you're a friendly guy. I like that in a woman.
T-Rex: Wait, hold on; I think I know how to fix this. Utahraptor, you're pretty gay! I like that in a man.
T-Rex: Wait. Huh?
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: Your honour, you seem very competent! I like that in a woman.
Off panel: Are you trying to go to jail?
T-Rex (punchline): Are you trying to be... um, everything that I like in a woman?
|
826 |
the devil is asking for a friend of his. they were playing video games and all of a sudden the guy asked 'do you ever feel bad about your body?' and the sudden implied intimacy was startling, coming from an acquaintance, maybe a near friend, who had previously only asked for him to stop hogging all the powerups. the devil didn't know what to say so he laughed it off, and they finished the game and both acted as if everything was fine, but the question, and the way it made him feel, has lingered with him since.
| null |
Devil: MMM GREETINGS T-REX I HAVE A QUERY OF A PERSONAL NATURE
T-Rex: Shoot!
Devil: DO YOU EVER EXPERIENCE
Devil: BODY IMAGE ISSUES
T-Rex: Hah! Bawdy image issues!
Devil: NO I MEAN LIKE DO YOU EVER WISH YOUR BODY LOOKED DIFFERENT THAN IT DOES
T-Rex: Well, actually, no, but I do empathise! I really like being a giant awesome dinosaur, but nobody's ever told me that being giant and awesome is undesirable. I guess SOMETIMES I've been frustrated by my stubby arms, but I still love the li'l champs!
Utahraptor: So you'd never wish to have anything changed?
T-Rex: Nope!
T-Rex: I guess I'm lucky! I can't imagine what it must be like to be transsexual, waking up in the morning and feeling like there's been some unfair mistake, and parts of your body are WRONG.
Utahraptor: I've sometimes wished I was more muscley, but that's nothing, because I could just work out if it was REALLY an issue.
T-Rex (punchline): The Devil, does that answer your question?
Devil: NO AND YOUR SYMPATHY IS AS USELESS AS THE BERRIES IN SUPER MARIO WORLD
Devil: BY WHICH I MEAN
Devil: ONLY GOOD FOR YOSHIS
|
2,470 |
also the world series only involves north america but come on let's stop talking about that and start talking about Planet Hottie and also Hunkbody, The Habitable Moon
| null |
Narrator: THINGS THAT SOUND WAY MORE INTERESTING THAN THEY REALLY ARE
Narrator: a comic to read before you encounter these things
Narrator: that way you won't be disappointed
T-Rex: OMNIBUS: heads up, everyone! This is NOT an all-encompassing bus: a universal bus that, once boarded, contains within every joy, every sorrow, every hope and every fear, every potential self that you could ever hope to be. Rather it's a collection of smaller things, like an omnibus bill or a book containing other books.
Dromiceiomimus: I mean - it's okay if you like laws, or reading.
T-Rex: PFFFFFT
T-Rex: WILDERNESS: upon inspection this is just forests! NOT our pal Wild Erness.
Utahraptor: Aw man, really??
T-Rex: UNIVERSAL REMOTE: it only works on Earth machines. This is UNIVERSE RACIST. It is a big "screw you" to literally EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE UNIVERSE EXCEPT EARTH.
Utahraptor: What could possibly go wrong from telling off the ENTIRE UNIVERSE I'M BEING SARCASTIC THE DOWNSIDES ARE GLARINGLY OBVIOUS
T-Rex: WORLD SERIES: NOT a series of planets, perhaps listed from hottest to coolest, perhaps using "hottest" in the "which planet has the most rockin bods" sense! This is you watching a bunch of adults you're not friends with get paid to play baseball.
T-Rex (punchline): There can be no greater sadness!
|
1,885 |
you can tell them apart by their mustaches; this custom mario encyclopedia i own has come in HANDY once again
| null |
T-Rex: So I've been working on a little project: a secret internet diary! And today it's finished!
T-Rex: Today I have fully documented ONE WEEK of my life!
T-Rex: Granted, it's not THAT long a period, but -
God: HOLD ON A SECOND T-REX THIS IS CRAZY
God: THIS IS INCREDIBLE
T-Rex: The nap I described in the third post? Yes, it was stupen-
God: NO IF YOU TAKE THE RAW CODE OF YOUR DIARY PAGE CONVERT IT TO BINARY AND PUT IT IN ONE FILE IT'S
God: IT'S A FULLY FUNCTIONAL NES GAME
T-Rex: What? Seriously?! That's amazing!!
Utahraptor: What's amazing?!
T-Rex: Utahraptor: I ACCIDENTALLY WROTE AN NES GAME IN BINARY WHILE TALKING ABOUT MYSELF. The odds of that happening are ASTRONOMICALLY small!! My week must really have been something!
Utahraptor: Holy cow! What's the game about??
T-Rex: I don't know! I'm gonna go home and find out RIGHT NOW!
Narrator: AT T-REX'S HOUSE:
T-Rex: The activities of my last week have, incredibly, resulted in an entirely average game where you're Mario, wearing a Luigi hat, pouring applesauce on little happy-faced female symbols.
T-Rex (punchline): Life! It's confusing sometimes!
|
624 |
I CAN NEVER BE CERTAIN IF MY ONLINE COMPATRIOTS ARE MERELY EMPLOYING SARCASM WHEN RESPONDING TO MY EL OH ELS
| null |
Devil: T-REX I HAVE BEGUN TO EMPLOY NUMBERS AND SYMBOLS IN LIEU OF ACTUAL LETTERS IN ONLINE ENCOUNTERS
Devil: AS AN EXAMPLE BACKSLASH LETTER O FORWARDSLASH
Devil: INDICATES HOORAY
T-Rex: Okay! Thanks for that!
Devil: IT SEEMS A LOT OF GAMERS USE THIS OR AT LEAST A LOT OF PORTRAYALS OF GAMERS IN THE MEDIA
Devil: IT IS DIFFICULT TO TELL WHERE THE TRUTH LIES
T-Rex: Does it really matter which idiolect you use?
Devil: OF COURSE IT DOES I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO THINK I'M LAME
Devil: I ASSURE YOU
Devil: I AM SIGNIFICANTLY AWESOME
T-Rex: Well, why don't you just check to see what others are doing?
Utahraptor: Talking to the Devil?
T-Rex: Yeah. He's worried he won't look cool in front of his fellow gamers if he speaks with numbers in place of letters?
Utahraptor: Is that what they do in hell? Play video games all the time?
Devil: ACTUALLY IN HELL YOU CAN DO JUST ABOUT WHATEVER YOU WANT ONLY WHILE YOU'RE DOING IT YOU HAVE TO SING SONGS WITH ALL THE LYRICS REPLACED BY "PARTY"
T-Rex (punchline): That doesn't sound so bad!
Devil: YES WELL THAT'S WHY I INVENTED THE PLACE T-REX
|
1,318 |
that "likes food" background character guy? he's me. i know the day i hear someone within earshot, but still far enough away that i'd have to run up to them to talk, actually say "where's the beef?": this is my moment. this is my line. this is how i will be remembered. "...Did someone say BEEF??"
| null |
T-Rex: It is common to imagine your life as a story, with yourself as the main character! It's a story with no real climax that always ends with you totally dead.
T-Rex: However!
T-Rex: My issue is that STUFF happens to main characters: dramatic stuff! Stuff that's not always good. It would be fun to be a bit character, a guy who gets one or two lines and whose personality is encapsulated in a few words: 'likes boats', 'old and wise', or 'eats a lot and, therefore, can't control himself around food. When someone says "Where's the beef?" he runs up and says, "Did someone say BEEF?" because that is definitely how people who like food act.'
T-Rex: Then I was thinking, maybe I am that!
Utahraptor: But you've said WAY more than two lines, my friend!
T-Rex: Yeah, but it's Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, right? I've got my own life, but it only counts when I'm around the main character. Everything else is forgotten!
Utahraptor: So who's the main character?
T-Rex: ...Dromiceiomimus?
Narrator: MUCH LATER, OUTSIDE DROMICEIOMIMUS' HOUSE.
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! Are you in?
Off panel: T-Rex?! What are you doing here? It's late! It's 3 AM!
T-Rex (punchline): I - like boats?
|
373 |
today's comic was going to be about a new form of time that comes after the future, but that didn't make sense.
| null |
Narrator: HISTORIOGRAPHY COMICS
Narrator: featuring "Good Ol' T-Rex"
T-Rex: Historiography is the history of history, and includes the study of how history is understood!
T-Rex: We tend to think that history is just a record of what goes on in the past, but this overlooks the fact that two different people can view the same event, and even the same series of events, differently.
T-Rex: For instance! Is history the story of progress, from savage to cultured Man? Is it rather the study of Great Men and their Characters? Perhaps it is the story of cultural challenge and response!
Utahraptor: What's with the sexist language, T-Rex? You're all, "great MEN, cultured MEN"!
T-Rex: Sorry!
T-Rex: Most of these theories of history are over 50 years old, and reflect the sexism in the language at the time.
Utahraptor: Well, if I were a woman, I think I'd be a little offended!
T-Rex: [narrates] I had to be careful not to let him know I'd considered this situation before.
T-Rex: Ha ha!
T-Rex (punchline): H-how do you mean?
|
2,103 |
this actually sounds rad and i want to hear more about this "princess" and i am prepared to go on record saying i would read a whole series of books about a "magical" "princess"
| null |
T-Rex: My new literary epic is about a man who puts everything in quotation marks!
T-Rex: Whoops, pardon me.
T-Rex: It's about a "man" who puts "everything" in "quotation marks"!
Dromiceiomimus: So he's not really a man? Is that what the quotation marks mean?
T-Rex: Can one TRULY be a man, Dromiceiomimus, when one puts "everything" in quotation marks?
Dromiceiomimus: Well, surely there's exceptions if it's not everything, but just "everything".
T-Rex: Unfortunately, there are "no" exceptions!
Utahraptor: Has there been any research into this?
T-Rex: "Research" into what?
Utahraptor: Into using quotation marks as a "not in the full sense of the word" linguistic marker. But it's an ambiguous marker, because sometimes we're just quoting things and not, you know, "quoting things".
T-Rex: Look man, maybe there's been research, I dunno. I don't exactly "read" linguistic papers.
T-Rex: Anyway, back to my story! In it my man faces many challenges and obstacles but eventually saves the princess!
Off panel: There's a princess?
T-Rex: Well - there's a "princess", anyway.
T-Rex (punchline): Look, it's a start
|
1,666 |
oh batman, why you got to be so heteronormative
| null |
T-Rex: Whatever dudes! I'm pretty sure I'm a genius over here.
T-Rex: And when a genius is pretty sure, that's like ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY for regular folks!
T-Rex: Oh, regular folks. I call them "norms", Dromiceiomimus.
Dromiceiomimus: Ah.
T-Rex: Sometimes...
T-Rex: Sometimes I call them "The clouds that must be there to truly appreciate the sun".
Utahraptor: So what do you do with your genius?
T-Rex: Oh man! ANYTHING I WANT!!
Utahraptor: Okay - impress me! Use your genius.
T-Rex: I warn you, Utahraptor: what happens next may BLOW YOUR MIND.
Utahraptor: I'm ready. Amaze me.
T-Rex: Alright!! Here comes some DEEP THINKING!
Narrator: SHORTLY:
Floating Batman head: [in T-Rex's imagination] If I were a woman, T-Rex, then we could TOTALLY DATE.
Off panel: T-Rex? You haven't said anything for a few -
T-Rex (punchline): I'm busy!!
|
2,060 |
please excuse me for a moment dromiceiomimus i've got to calm down
| null |
Narrator: DROMICEIOMIMUS HAS GONE MISSING! LET'S FIND HER
T-Rex: The first place to check is the last place anyone reported seeing her!
T-Rex: And *I* report seeing her just over here, a few minutes ago!
Narrator: EARLIER:
T-Rex: Hey, Dromiceiomimus! 'Sup?
Dromiceiomimus: 'Sup T-Rex!
T-Rex: 'Sups all around, it would seem
Narrator: BACK IN THE PRESENT:
T-Rex: Here in the present, Dromiceiomimus is still missing!
Utahraptor: Oh no!
Utahraptor: Are you 100% sure she's missing? Is it possible she went on vacation and you forgot?
T-Rex: Utahraptor, please.
T-Rex: It is ENTIRELY POSSIBLE that happened.
Narrator: LATER: DROMICEIOMIMUS RETURNS FROM VACATION
Off panel: It was more of a "trip to the grocery store" than a vacation, T-Rex.
T-Rex: Did you get me a souvenir??
Off panel: Um - I got you some... whole wheat flour?
T-Rex (punchline): YESSSSS
|
2,318 |
At Least I Didn't Pee My Pants: 50 Stories of the Incredible, Amazing, And Just Plain Outrageous Things Real People Do To Avoid Peeing Their Pants
| null |
Sign: ASK PROFESSOR SCIENCE
T-Rex: Our first question comes from Mel, who, like all of us, is a talking collection of meat and guts! Hi, Mel!
T-Rex: "Quick, Professor!!" Mel begins. So far so good!
T-Rex: "If you really need to pee, but there's no washroom so you pee into your mouth instead, how much time does that buy you??" Mel asks, before adding a patently transparent "asking for a friend".
Dromiceiomimus: ...Wow. WOW.
T-Rex: I know, right? THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING.
T-Rex: We can use some internal organs as emergency backups for other internal organs!
Utahraptor: You're joking, right?
T-Rex: It's brilliant, Utahraptor. Mouths as buffers for our backup bladders, or "stomachs", pressed into service during crises! Bodies are amazing. They're amazing!
Utahraptor: Yeah, to get away with it, all you need to be able to do is flawlessly urinate into your own mouth. Good luck with that!
Narrator: SEVERAL HOURS LATER:
T-Rex: Dear audio diary!
T-Rex (punchline): It has been a frustrating, moist day
|
1,206 |
guys! i'm beginning to think that the very concept of Australian Batman is flawed!
| null |
T-Rex: BEFORE we had dictionaries, words could be spelt in a variety of different ways. Now that we have dictionaries, spellings are fixed.
T-Rex: This I accept!
T-Rex: It speeds up reading AND comprehension, and spelling errors give editors "easy points" when looking for something to edit. FINE. But we've lost the ability to encode the way words are spoken: the pronunciation and accents of a speaker! We can get a little of that back through capitalization and creative! punctuation! but still - it's hard in text to tell an Australian from an American, assuming they're both speaking English.
T-Rex: The result of this is a proliferation of stereotypes!
Utahraptor: How so?
T-Rex (punchline): Well, say I'm writing a story about Australian Batman and I want to show people that Batman's Australian now. Spelling means I can't rely on his accent, so I'm forced to have him call people "mate" and grimly refer to "shrimps" placed upon "barbies". It's the only way!
Utahraptor: Um - pretty sure there are others!
Narrator: LATER:
Off panel: And FINALLY, you could just have the narration mention the fact that Batman's Australian, and leave it at that. You don't need to rely on pseudo-racist stereotypes!
Floating Batman head: [in T-Rex's imagination] T-Rex! Just put me in a Crocodile Dundee hat!!
|
1,367 |
city folk: sheep are awesome because when they say "baaa" it honestly sounds like someone doing a bad sheep impression. when you walk up on a herd of sheep you will think "wow, there are a lot of people making fun of sheep just over the next hill." it's insane!
| null |
T-Rex: The best way to revenge yourself on an animal is to eat it.
T-Rex: Everyone knows it but they leave it to ME to say it out loud!
T-Rex: And this is the problem with vegetarians!! If a cow sasses me, I can say "Oh yeah? Well guess what, wise guy?! I will use your flesh for digestive energy." But vegetarians just take it! And then cows have no idea who they can get away with sassing, and let's face it they're not the smartest pickles in the fountain, so they sass EVERYONE and then I end up eating a lot of beef.
T-Rex: It's not that big a problem.
Utahraptor: I find it doubtful that you've ever revenged yourself on animals in such a way!
T-Rex: You haven't?
T-Rex: Utahraptor, it's SO SATISFYING. You're like "My feelings are hurt, but soon I'll be full of meat. Wow, I feel better already!!"
Utahraptor: What, you hang around farms and wait for some imagined insult?
T-Rex: Okay, you're coming with me and we're going to sneak onto a farm.
Narrator: 45 MINUTES LATER:
T-Rex: HOLY CRAP SHEEP HAVE RECTANGULAR PUPILS!!
T-Rex: WHAT THE HELL WHAT THE HELL
T-Rex (punchline): AHHHHH
|
985 |
t-rex is on speakerphone in the first two panels. come on, t-rex! nobody likes speakerphone. i heard the guy who invented speakerphone wrote a poem about regret, and it was published under the title 'What I did, that made people sad'
| null |
Narrator: T-REX IS ON THE PHONE:
T-Rex: It's Patrick! He bought life insurance!
Narrator: BUT THERE'S NO TIME FOR THAT NOW!
T-Rex: Gotta go, Patrick!
Narrator: THE REASON THERE'S NO TIME FOR THAT NOW IS THAT TODAY IS DROMICEIOMIMUS' BIRTHDAY! SHE IS STILL AS AWESOME AS THE DAY SHE WAS BORN.
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, happy birthday! You are still entirely excellent.
Dromiceiomimus: Aww, thank you T-Rex! Are you coming out tonight?
T-Rex: I sure am, and I'll see YOU then!
Narrator: UTAHRAPTOR IS COMING TOO:
Utahraptor: Wait up for me!
Narrator: THEY ARE GOING TO PICK HER UP A PRESENT FOR HER BIRTHDAY. THEY THOUGHT THEY COULD GET HER A VEGETABLE STEAMER BECAUSE SHE'S MENTIONED HOW SHE COULD USE ONE, BUT NOW THEY BOTH WANT TO GET SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE PERSONAL. YOU CAN'T HEAR THEM HERE BUT THAT'S WHAT'S GOING DOWN.
Narrator: THEY DECIDE ON THE STEAMER BUT FEEL BAD, EVEN THOUGH DROMICEIOMIMUS SAID SHE LOVED IT. THIS MALAISE LINGERS FOR A FEW DAYS.
T-Rex (punchline): I Wonder If I Talk Like This, If People Will Still Be My Friends?
Narrator: ANYWAY T-REX IS HANDLING IT WELL.
|
818 |
i knew this guy where when he got seriously disappointed he started to bruise. prognosis: that's gross
| null |
T-Rex: I wonder what the most important day of my life is? Yesterday? Tomorrow? Maybe even...
T-Rex: TODAY???
T-Rex: It could be that I wouldn't even recognize the importance of the day until years down the line - like, if today is the day I come across an abandoned violin and then later I discover that I'm actually seriously excellent at playing sonatas, and then I become famous for playing sonatas. That would have a huge effect on my life, and TODAY COULD BE THAT DAY.
Utahraptor: What if today really IS your most important day, and nothing memorable happens?
T-Rex: Aw man!
T-Rex: If that is the case, then I would be sorely disappointed. I'm serious! I would be so disappointed that I would start to get physically sore.
Utahraptor: The next morning you'd get up and say, "Ouch! I must have been disappointed a little TOO MUCH yesterday! I'll have to go easy on the disappointment for a while!"
Narrator: ANYWAY! T-REX'S MOST IMPORTANT DAY HAS ALREADY COME AND GONE! IT LOOKED LIKE THIS:
T-Rex (punchline): Hello, my name is T-Rex! I'm pleased to meet you.
Off panel: Hello! I'm Dromiceiomimus.
T-Rex and off panel: Yaaaaaay!
|
1,369 |
if you were really my friend, you'd appreciate how i manipulate social mores and statutory holidays for gain. gain for everyone?
| null |
T-Rex: People say to me, "T-Rex, what do you want for Christmas?" This year I have the perfect gift idea!
T-Rex: Peace on Earth!
T-Rex: I'm serious! People SAY this a lot, but they're always adding a "oh hey if that doesn't work out remote controlled cars are just as awesome", which, WHILE TRUE, also supplies an out! By only asking for peace, I'm forcing my entire network of friends to try to get it for me! It turns negative consumerism into Positive World Change, PLUS, if anyone pulls it off I get to raise my hand in the new utopia and say "Awesome! This was my idea."
Utahraptor: So you want world peace with none of the work and all of the credit!
T-Rex: Yes please!
T-Rex: Utahraptor, it's CHRISTMAS. If you told me what you wanted I would get it for you, no questions asked! And I'm telling you I want world peace.
Utahraptor: So listen, I might just get you a towel.
T-Rex: Peace please!!
Off panel: T-Rex, it's December 18th! Even if I knew how, that's not much time to convince the entire planet to hug.
T-Rex: Utahraptor
T-Rex (punchline): It's CHRISTMAS
|
644 |
t-rex is certain about the big things, like racism being bad, but not about little things, like mohawks being cool. there are rallies in favour of mohawks that he has failed to attend.
| null |
T-Rex: Here is a startling thought: what if the things I believe in are wrong?
T-Rex: I'm serious! This is a big concern for me!
T-Rex: It's the reason I've never really attended any political marches - I can only rarely convince myself that I believe in something SO MUCH that those who don't share my beliefs are wrong, and need to be publicly convinced otherwise! I'm always conscious that I may one day look back on my present-day self and shake my head.
Utahraptor: So you're left with paralyzed middle-of-the-road beliefs?
T-Rex: Not necessarily!
T-Rex: I'm just left with an acute awareness that I could be wrong about some of the things I currently believe in. Not big things, like racism, but little things, like mohawks!
Utahraptor: Wait - you believe in racism?
T-Rex: No, man!
T-Rex: I think racism is BAD. It's like when you say you're fundraising for cancer - you're not in favour of it! You want to cure it. That's what I meant!
T-Rex: Alright. T-Rex (punchline): not necessarily racist.
|
2,219 |
second-hand farts
| null |
T-Rex: Yay! PATIO SEASON IS BACK. I love to go out and have a fun meal in the sun with my pals!!
T-Rex: And yet, I can't help but feel I'm forgetting something...
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: AW FRIG!!
T-Rex: SMOKERS
T-Rex: Smoking is farting. It is! You can end up sitting next to people who CHAIN FART through their entire meal, and then their farts get in your face and then your clothes smell like farts. Some farters know their habit is grossnasty so they blow their farts away from their dining companions, TOWARDS EVERYONE ELSE INSTEAD. That's what smoking is.
T-Rex: Oh, wait, no, silly me, I forgot something! THEIR FARTS CAN LITERALLY GIVE YOU CANCER.
Utahraptor: But it's an addiction!
T-Rex: IT'S ONE OF THE LEADING CAUSES OF PREVENTABLE DEATH.
Utahraptor: It can be really hard to quit, dude!
T-Rex: Man, you want to sit at home and fart until the air's blue, I'm not gonna stop you. But when you go out in public and fart all over the place, isn't that rude? Isn't that rude no matter how addicted you are to farting??
T-Rex: "As a farter, I feel I am entitled to two 15-minute fart breaks each day where I go outside and just fart and fart and fart"
T-Rex: THIS IS LITERALLY WHAT PEOPLE SAY!
T-Rex (punchline): ...FOR GENEROUS VALUES OF "LITERALLY"
|
1,436 |
THEN I SAID GROOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
| null |
T-Rex: What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger!
T-Rex: Is that... medicine?
T-Rex: I know it doesn't work in all cases, or maybe even MOST cases, but it works with vaccination, right? A weaker version of the disease teaches your body to fight the real deal. So what I'm wondering is if I ate something disgusting, does that, you know... level me up for some REALLY insanely disgusting things in the future?
Utahraptor: You mean in terms of protection against disease, or in terms of adjusting your taste?
T-Rex: Both, I guess!
Narrator: SUDDENLY, EVERYONE REVEALS THEIR SECRET MOTIVATIONS!
T-Rex (punchline): There were some dead moths in my cereal this morning, and I'm hoping there's some way I can turn this into a positive event.
Utahraptor: I'm intrigued because the same thing also happened to me this morning!
God: MAN THAT'S CRAZY THE SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME TODAY TOO
God: I SAID
God: WHAT THE HECK
God: AND THEN I SAID
God: I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD TO EAT
|
1,271 |
five broken hearts can't be wrong!
| null |
T-Rex: In conversations, speakers generally try to make helpful contributions, and listeners generally assume that this is the case! This is called the "cooperative principle", and philosopher Paul Grice proposed it! He's dead now.
T-Rex: It's useful because it allows inferred meanings!
T-Rex: We can be at a party and someone can say "Where's Utahraptor?" and I can say "He's sick" and they understand that he's not here BECAUSE he's sick. Inferred meaning! If they don't assume I'm cooperating then I'm just offering non-relevant information, on the same level as if I answered "Utahraptor's got shufflepants." and then clarified "They're pants that shuffle when he walks."
Utahraptor: But maybe I'm not at the party BECAUSE of my shufflepants!
T-Rex: See?
T-Rex: The cooperative principle is so ingrained that even when I say non sequiturs, you're looking for a way to read it under the assumption I'm cooperating.
Utahraptor: So I should assume that you're a disingenuous and unhelpful jerk.
T-Rex: Yes!
T-Rex: In this example, I mean. In real life I am a charmer, of course!! Hah! I am loveable and trustworthy and good at conversations!
T-Rex: ...
T-Rex (punchline): I've had FIVE girlfriends, Utahraptor.
|
831 |
number six in the meandering 'for teens!' series, coming after 'Proper Manners', 'Third Dates', 'Human Sexuality', 'Sawing', and 'Overseas Correspondence By Post'
| null |
Narrator: COMPRESSED NURSERY RHYME COMICS
T-Rex: Jack Sprat could eat no fat / His wife could eat no lean / And so betwixt the two of them / They licked the platter clean!
T-Rex: AND they shared EATING DISORDERS.
T-Rex: What a world!
Narrator: the end
Narrator: ENCRYPTION JOKE COMICS
Utahraptor: What's better than 128-bit encryption?
T-Rex: What?
Utahraptor: 512-bit encryption!
T-Rex: Dude, that's not funny!
T-Rex: That is accurate and sobering.
Off panel: Perhaps you didn't like it because it's too... CRYPTIC?
T-Rex: Wait a minute, I recognize these!
T-Rex: Utahraptor!!
T-Rex (punchline): Did you find my long-abandoned copy of "Encryption Jokes... For Teens!"?
|
1,978 |
two comics in as many days with terrible puns in them? YES. THIS IS A GOOD THING.
| null |
T-Rex: You know what I love and never get to do?
T-Rex: GOSSIP.
T-Rex: And have I got some good dirt on Dromiceiomimus!
T-Rex: Okay, so IT TURNS OUT that a certain Dromiceiomimian friend of ours was seen leaving th-
T-Rex: Oh. Hey, Dromiceiomimus.
Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex.
T-Rex: Man!! THIS is why I never get to gossip!
T-Rex: But at least I've got some good dirt on Utahraptor! Who... is currently standing behind me, aren't you?
Utahraptor: Yep!
T-Rex: Well, frig. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to get some NEW friends, and I'm going to gossip all about you with them.
Utahraptor: Okay, have fun! Be sure to tell them how awesome I am.
T-Rex: ONLY IF CIRCUMSTANCES DEMAND IT.
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: I'M UNSURE HOW CIRCUMSTANCES BROUGHT US HERE, new friends, but Utahraptor's pretty rad. He's got pointy toes so when you say "This contract has a good CLAWS in it",he'll roll his eyes.
T-Rex: He does it like every time! Hah hah!
T-Rex (punchline): He's so great
|
2,125 |
"Sherlock Holmes vs Sherlock Holmes" is the story of Sherlock Holmes reading a Sherlock Holmes book, with him making comments about how he'd solve the case at the same time book Sherlock solves the case. Sequels just add on another layer of Sherlock. DID YOU KNOW: you can make as many sequels as you desire?? DID YOU FURTHER KNOW: i really like this idea and that's going to be tomorrow's comic. FORESHADOWING
| null |
T-Rex: Which of these three titles is best: "Sherlock Holmes vs Sherlock Holmes", "Sherlock Holmes Unlocks The Secrets of Effective High-Performance MySQL Database Administration", or "Sherlock Holmes and the Astral Plane (I Mean The Kind With Wings)"?
T-Rex: Guys!! I'll take the most popular title and write that book!
T-Rex: Give the audience what they want, you know? And rather than guessing, I'm straight-out asking: what do you want? Seriously. Tell me and I'll make it happen.
Dromiceiomimus: Can I get a non-Sherlock Holmes story?
T-Rex: NO
T-Rex: That is an INVALID RESPONSE
Utahraptor: Okay, I vote for the database one!
T-Rex: Perfect!
T-Rex: "'MySQL's plug-in storage engine architecture makes it versatile in a variety of usage scenarios,' Sherlock read."
Utahraptor: Wait, is your book an existing DB book with "Sherlock read" added every few sentences?
T-Rex: I found out it's not plagiarism that way!!
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex (punchline): I found out my information was incorrect somehow!!
|
248 |
based on a true story, and uncannily mirroring that uncomfortable kid from high school
| null |
Narrator: ENTHUSIASTIC USE OF OUTDATED CATCH-PHRASES COMICS
T-Rex: "Houston, we have a problem!"
T-Rex: Ha ha ha!
T-Rex: Hey, Dromiceiomimus! These people in this house, you know what they're saying?
Dromiceiomimus: Huh? What?
T-Rex: "Houston, we have a problem!"
T-Rex: Ha ha ha!
T-Rex: "Houston, we have a problem!"
T-Rex: "Houston, we have a problem!", little lady!
Utahraptor: Give it a break, T-Rex!
Utahraptor: Your catchphrase is not only annoying, but OUT OF DATE. You should find a more modern catch-phrase!
T-Rex: Like what?
Utahraptor: Like... I don't know...
Utahraptor: "The ravages of puberty leave no-one unscathed!"
Narrator: TWO HOURS LATER:
T-Rex: "Houston, we have a problem!"
T-Rex (punchline): Ha ha ha!
|
2,413 |
IF YOU LIKED THE WALKING DEAD, YOU'LL LOVE how this is a deterministic model of infection but stochastic measurements could be introduced which can be useful in smaller populations where the effects of randomness can be more pronounced
| null |
T-Rex: A TERRIFYING ZOMBIE STORY, by me, T-Rex.
T-Rex: One day an alive woman died. OR DID SHE? Because now she's... A ZOMBIE!!
T-Rex: Can I get a what what?
T-Rex: Our zombie woman is Patient Zero of the zombie outbreak, which suggests to the attentive reader that we're using an infection model of zombification. Let R0 be the threshold quantity of infections. If R0 is less than one, then the infection will die out. If it's equal to one, then the disease will remain endemic in the population. And the more above one R0 is, the greater the epidemic!
T-Rex: So to quantify our zombie terror, all we need to do is calculate R0!
Utahraptor: Can I hear about the people she bites?
T-Rex: Assuming N population and a contact rate of β, then our zombie will make βN bites per time unit, resulting in infections with a mean infectious period of 1/γ: γ being of course the mean recovery rate. Therefore, R0 = (βN)/γ!
Utahraptor: Does she bite anyone she knew from before? Like, her kids maybe?
T-Rex (punchline): These metrics are simplified, as natural immunity is not factored into N. Different compartmental epidemic models may provide different results!
Off panel: Is there any of the old her left inside that shambling horror??
Off panel: I -
Off panel: I wonder sometimes
|
194 |
is he making finger-quotes?!?
| null |
T-Rex: So...
T-Rex: Polygamy!
T-Rex: I've discovered that the problem with researching this sort of thing (polygamy) (the subject of which I'm speaking) is that everybody has an agenda!
T-Rex: It's like vegetarianism: all you hear is from the militant extremes ("Meat is Murder!" "Vegetarians are Sissies!") and it's hard to find a balanced viewpoint!
Utahraptor: Have you considered reading multiple sources, and then synthesizing your own viewpoint?
Utahraptor: You are reading about polygamy, after all.
Utahraptor: You know, "more than one partner"... "more than one book"...
Utahraptor: Polygamy!
T-Rex: Polygamous READING? What's next?
T-Rex: Eh?
T-Rex (punchline): "What's next?"
|
2,345 |
thatWasPrettyFunnyAndIEnjoyedHearingAboutIt - CAM - XviD - NOT A FAKE.torrent
| null |
T-Rex: It's chilly outside! Without a nice jacket, you might find it a little TOO easy to keep your... COOL?
T-Rex: LOL.jpg!
T-Rex: So funny I literally laughed.gif!
Dromiceiomimus: teeheehee - HIGH RES VERSION DO NOT DELETE.tiff!!
Utahraptor: goodOneFunnyJoke.version4.updated.usethisoneALTERED.psd!
T-Rex: RE:FW:FW:FW:FW: Funny STUFF for your friday morning!!!!
Utahraptor: Me giggling - self shot in mirror - seventh try.bmp
T-Rex: DSC00035.jpg!
T-Rex (punchline): A sound just came out of my body.wav
|
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.