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2,126 | yo holmes, smell ya later | null | T-Rex: "Sherlock Holmes was an out-of-copyright detective which meant I could write my own Sherlock Holmes stories!", Sherlock Holmes screamed.
T-Rex: "PREPARE YOURSELF FOR DETECTIVE ADVENTURE" Sherlock shrieks!
T-Rex: Sherlock Holmes turns back to his writing table, still roaring. "I'll write a story where Sherlock Holmes investigates a dog that glows!" he bellows. "That's already been done by the original author" hollers Watson.
T-Rex: "In mine the dog is now a zombie," Sherlock screeches in response, "and is therefore better."
T-Rex: "Whoah! I need to go prepare myself for detective adventure" shouts Watson.
Utahraptor: I can't help but notice your characters are screaming at each other!
T-Rex: You picked up on that, huh?
T-Rex: It's not EXPLICITLY said, but there's clues throughout the story that the city's doing roadwork outside. And before you ask, the roadwork follows them around, so even while in the zombie graveyard they shout constantly.
Utahraptor: Ah.
T-Rex: The climax is when Sherlock has to break into a zombie's home but can't, because it's too well-locked. I call it, "Sherlock Holmes and the Home's Sure Lock"!
T-Rex: ...
T-Rex: ...
T-Rex (punchline): Don't worry Utahraptor; I'm accustomed to waiting for laughs
|
561 | i need to make changes in my life so that i have more opportunity to use it. | null | T-Rex: Hot enough for you?
T-Rex: IS IT ADJECTIVE ENOUGH FOR YOU??
Narrator: JOKES NOBODY NEED EVER MAKE AGAIN COMICS
T-Rex: Oooh, and that one in which, after stumbling, one is advised to have a nice trip, and offered hope of a reunion come autumn!
Utahraptor: Hey, how's the weather up there, T-Rex?
T-Rex: Aggravating! Thanks!!
T-Rex: Also, these martinis are more like marTINIES!
Utahraptor: I see.
T-Rex: Ho ho!
T-Rex (punchline): (I actually REALLY like that one!)
|
1,826 | that's too damn creepy. replace "suicide" with "cannibalism". wait, that's still creepy!! | null | T-Rex: I don't have all the details on my new fantastic story, but I have a title! It's called "Oh No, I Think That Machine Tells You How You're Going To Die"!
T-Rex: It takes place in a world where everyone knows how they're going to die!
T-Rex: You waltz into a doctor's office and take a blood test, and the machine spits out a piece of paper that says "cheeseburger overdose" and that's 100% how you're going to die. But it's not straightforward, so you could die from eating too many cheeseburgers, but you could ALSO die from a guy named "Cheeseburger" stuffing his hand down your throat.
T-Rex: That's gross.
T-Rex: That won't be in my story.
Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex, what were you doing five years ago?
T-Rex: Chilling out, maxing, relaxi-
Utahraptor: Nope!
Utahraptor: ACTUALLY, you were describing a book with the exact same premise. You're plagiarizing yourself, dude!
T-Rex: Nuh-uh! There's a new twist: now the results for everyone born AFTER the machine's invention read simply "suicide".
Utahraptor: Gah!
T-Rex: Frig! I freaked myself out too!!
T-Rex: ...
T-Rex (punchline): Utahraptor when I stand like this it means HUGS PLEASE
|
1,694 | "utahraptor, this sounds like this is something you should take up with your conscience personally! i feel bad about being trapped in the middle." | null | T-Rex: You know who never forgets?
T-Rex: THE FRIGGIN' INTERNET.
T-Rex: Time was, you could tell a lie and then you'd be able to forget about it after a few weeks! But NOW when you lie on the internet you have to remember the lie forever! It's enough to make me say "Man, screw you, internet!!" It's enough to make me put down the newspaper, fold it in two, smooth down any wrinkles, peer over my glasses and say "Screw the TCP/IP protocol AND all seven layers of the network stack".
Utahraptor: Reading a newspaper makes you an authority on network architecture?
T-Rex: Heck if I know, dude!
T-Rex: But you can't deny that when I described myself doing that, there wasn't a little voice in your head saying "Wow, this guy knows the score. Man. We should give him money."
Utahraptor: I can and do deny it!
T-Rex: Wait! I think he's your conscience, Utahraptor!
T-Rex: I - I think I can hear him; it sounds like he's saying something. It sounds like - "T-Rex should have all the money in our wallet, that is called ETHICS."?
Off panel: You were talking about the internet...?
T-Rex (punchline): Utahraptor now he's saying he likes me better!!
|
2,085 | based on a true story in which i tried to tell a joke and got all confused; it's harder without dinosaurs | null | T-Rex: So this guy is at a bar and he's a heterosexual and he's trying to pick up women!
T-Rex: And he notices this woman who's pretty small!
T-Rex: And he says "Hey baby, you remind me of my coffee table!" And she says, "Why? Because I'm so small and cute?" and he says, "No, because I'm going to stub my toe on you later ton-
T-Rex: Wait, hold on, I messed up the joke. Hold on.
T-Rex: Wait.
Utahraptor: Maybe she reminds him of his little toe?
T-Rex: YES!
T-Rex: Because he's going to bang her on the coffee table later! YES! THAT WAS THE JOKE. Okay, thanks Utahraptor. I'm going to go back in time to do it right.
Utahraptor: Good luck! This timeline dies with you. Remember us, so that we might still live.
T-Rex: My friend, I shall. Always.
Narrator: EARLIER:
T-Rex: And he says "Because I'm going to stub you on the coffee table later!"
T-Rex: ...
T-Rex (punchline): AW FRIG SYNONYMS
|
747 | dude's name is 'jacques esqueleto' | null | Narrator: FUNNY JOKES
Narrator: A COMIC WITH FUNNY JOKES
T-Rex: All right!
T-Rex: Time for some funny jokes!
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, here's a funny joke. A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a drink and a mop!
Dromiceiomimus: That's not a very funny joke!
T-Rex: Perhaps you are just listening to it wrong! It's funny because skeletons have no internal organs. Hah hah hah! How is he animate? Why is he thirsty? It sure raises some funny questions!
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: Man, forget her! Animate skeletons are INHERENTLY FUNNY.
Utahraptor: Even if they're not thirsty?
T-Rex: Of course! I should be able to say "animate skeleton" and people should just start laughing. For my encore I could say "He's thirsty! What a thirsty, thirsty animate skeleton!"
Utahraptor: Imagine that!
T-Rex: Right! "Imagine that!"
T-Rex (punchline): Hmm...!
Human skeleton: [in T-Rex's imagination] i'm really thirsty you guys
|
2,035 | TOTALLY worth it | null | T-Rex: If gravity reversed right now I would be so pooched! Please RT if gravity reversed right now and you would be so pooched!
[no text]
Dromiceiomimus: ...You're not on Twitter right now, T-Rex. On that subject: I followed you on Twitter for about 10 minutes, but everything you posted was... insane?
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus I will be honest: I'm not ONE HUNDRED percent certain what Twitter does, but does this mean that you will not be please RTing?
Utahraptor: If gravity reverses, then matter repels instead of attracting!
T-Rex: And...?
Utahraptor: And we're ALL pooched!
Utahraptor: It's not just "we float off into the sky". The earth's core becomes a bomb, everything blasts away from the sun, and the universe eventually ends up being a fine mist of particles each trying to get as far away as possible from all the other particles. Good one, T-Rex.
Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE GRAVITY REVERSED RIGHT... NOW:
[vertical motion lines under T-Rex]
T-Rex: Holy crap!!
T-Rex (punchline): This first part is AMAZING!!
|
1,788 | it's a great game to play. look down the street, see tons of agents of the conspiracy, all on their cell phones, all talking and reporting about YOU | null | T-Rex: From now on, whenever I see someone checking their cell phone, I'll assume they're receiving instructions from the sinister shadow forces that control the world.
Narrator: SHORTLY:
T-Rex: Holy craps!
T-Rex: It's insane! I've only been doing this for a hour, but when I'm talking to someone and their phone goes off, and it's like - did they say something wrong? Did they just reveal something to me they shouldn't have? Then they put their phone away and make some innocuous excuse, "Oh, my friends are going to be late" or something, which only FURTHERS my suspicions!
Utahraptor: Or, even worse, they say "Excuse me, I've got to take this" and leave the room!
T-Rex: Exactly!
T-Rex: I've entered a nightmare world from which there's no escape, Utahraptor. Everywhere people are receiving instructions! Some even use bluetooth headsets so they can stay in constant contact while ALSO looking like dicks!
Utahraptor: You can't realign your perceptions back?
T-Rex: Um, that would kinda be ignoring the CONSPIRACY?
Narrator: LATER, T-REX DOES THE SAME TRICK WITH PEOPLE USING COMPUTERS THAT HE DID WITH PEOPLE USING CELL PHONES:
T-Rex (punchline): noooooo
|
1,126 | this weekend i bought a lady a chocolate bar so she'd like me more | null | T-Rex: I am a guy who likes to keep his hopes and dreams SECRET. This is because, if I fail to achieve them, then only I know that I screwed up!
T-Rex: Works for me!
T-Rex: It's like, say I tell everyone I want to be an astronaut, right? And then now it's 20 years later and I'm not an astronaut and it's some stupid "what have you done with your life" reunion and everyone's like "HEY T-REX, HOW'S THE ASTRONAUT LIFESTYLE? IS IT - IS IT PRETTY ACHIEVABLE?"
T-Rex: I'd much rather they say, "What did T-Rex say he wanted to be? I can't recall! I bet it's what he is now, though."
Utahraptor: But everyone wanted to be an astronaut!
T-Rex: Perhaps!
T-Rex: But not everyone wanted to, say, be in a committed relationship and own a house before they were 25.
Utahraptor: Hah! YOU wanted that?
T-Rex: SEE? SEE? This is why I keep my hopes and dreams to myself.
Narrator: SECRETLY:
T-Rex: [thinks] it would be great if one day i rode in a hot air balloon and threw down candy at people so they liked me more
T-Rex: [thinks] aw, who am i kidding?
T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] folks will just make fun
|
970 | t-rex, seriously? comic sans? | null | T-Rex: Wait a minute! WAIT JUST A MINUTE.
T-Rex: Fruits are INSANE!
T-Rex: I plant a banana tree and I come back a while later and it's transformed dirt into bananas. Fruit is just - congealed sunlight and dirt! That's CRAZY, Dromiceiomimus! How do plants do it? I wouldn't know where to even start in transforming sun and dirt into bananas. I would be TOTALLY LOST.
Dromiceiomimus: You can transform complex carbohydrates into kinetic energy.
T-Rex: What if I want bananas though?
Utahraptor: You already had this realization, T-Rex!
T-Rex: Aw man, I did?
Utahraptor: Yeah, last year! You were impressed by strawberries, if I recall.
T-Rex: I guess I should've put "impressed by fruit" on my NEW BUSINESS CARDS, huh?
Utahraptor: You have business cards?
T-Rex (punchline): There was a sale?
[a business card with Comic Sans text]
Business card: T-REX
Business card: “Quis custodiet ipsos custodes!?!”
Business card: PHONE: 416-595…
Business card: EMAIL: yes ple…
Business card: Occupation: BEING TOPLESS
Business card: Interests: BEING TOPLESS
Business card: (i am a DUDE you can hire if you can't finish at an ‘All U Can Eat’ restaurant!)
|
1,145 | that "hold the bulb while the world revolves around them" joke doesn't make any sense. that technique would, at best, get one only halfway through the bulb-changing process | null | T-Rex: I have invented the best way to reveal the prejudices and preconceptions of my friends.
T-Rex: Reverse lightbulb jokes!
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I'll give you the punchline and you'll supply the identifiable social group to be mocked, okay? The punchline is: "Just one: they hold the lightbulb still while the world revolves around them."
Dromiceiomimus: Easy! "How many socialites does it take to change a lightbulb?"
T-Rex: INTERESTING.
God: DO ME
Utahraptor: Do me!
T-Rex: Sure!
T-Rex: Um, okay: "Just one, but it doesn't matter: they'll never see the light anyway."
God: ENTHUSIASTS OF THINGS THAT I AM NOT A FAN OF
Utahraptor: Blind people!
T-Rex: Oh snap! Wow. Classy, guys!
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: Alright, last one, everyone! "Both of them."
Off panel: Honest politicians!
Off panel: Actually important bloggers!
Off panel: People at work who I haven't had sex with!
T-Rex (punchline): Pardon?
Off panel: See, I have a lot of sex
|
1,923 | It was a busy week; I'd fully understand if you'd forgotten this aspect of it | null | T-Rex: Check out my new alternate history story: it's the 1920s, and flappers are super sexy, obvs! But then the great depression happens and their ready-to-party-on-a-boat personalities and hedonistic YET SEXY lifestyles could not survive.
T-Rex: I'm kidding! We double checked and it turns out THE GREAT DEPRESSION NEVER HAPPENED.
T-Rex: And clearly nothing else ever stops the flappers either! So there's themed flappers for each decade afterwards, even buttoned-down fifties flappers in cat's-meow housework dresses. And modern day flappers are like regular well-dressed ladies, only instead of saying "that's ridiculous" they say "aw, applesauce!" ALL THE TIME.
Dromiceiomimus: And then you go on a date with one?
T-Rex: Wh- How did you know?
Utahraptor: This isn't alternate history, T-Rex! This is alternate history EROTICA.
T-Rex: Whoah, whoah!
T-Rex: You don't know it's explicit! Maybe it's alternate history ROMANCE, and I'm a dark and brooding doctor and she's Nurse Flapper of the S.S. Bedroom Surrender, where the seas AND the bosoms heave alike??
Utahraptor: First, you are dating a mammal which is concerning and second, SERIOUS authors don't use themselves as characters!
T-Rex: Hello? Shakespeare INVENTED that! Or have you forgotten how "Hamlet" stands for "H.A.M.L.E.T.'s Actually Me; Lshak Espeare Thrustbottoms"?
T-Rex (punchline): Perhaps you've ALSO simultaneously forgotten how we all agreed to change his name to Shakespeare to make it less super dumb??
|
1,710 | THEY LINGER EITHER FOR TOO LONG OR FOR NOT LONG ENOUGH AND IF THERE'S ONE THING YOU REALLY NEED TO SENSE A PERSON'S MOOD ABOUT IT'S LINGERING HUGS | null | T-Rex: Man, Dromiceiomimus, what if we were married?
T-Rex: Things would be so WEIRD!
Dromiceiomimus: Not really, T-Rex. We'd still be the same people!
T-Rex: Sure, but it's weird to imagine us married and acting exactly the same as we do now. I only see you once a day and then I'm off to talk to someone else - what does that say about our marriage??
Dromiceiomimus: That we're comfortable leading our own lives?
T-Rex: I still think it's weird to imagine marrying someone you already know!
Utahraptor: I do too!
Utahraptor: But it can be useful: if your reaction is "no way that person and I could be married!" then you can examine why you feel that way, and by doing so tease apart what you think is important in a marriage!
T-Rex: INTERESTING. Utahraptor, we can't be married because...
Off panel: ...yes?
T-Rex (punchline): ...because your hugs are not of the quality to which I've become accustomed OH GOD I'M SORRY I NEVER TOLD YOU YEARS AGO BUT THEY ARE TRULY NOT UP TO SNUFF
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1,376 | your whole family is made out of (bones and) meat | null | T-Rex: Turns out, we're members of a social species! We need to see other people and if we don't we get sad and weird!!
T-Rex: Hah hah hah!
T-Rex: OH WELL, SUCKS TO BE US!
Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, what are you talking about? You love having friends!
T-Rex: Sure, absolutely! But I was under the impression it was OPTIONAL! I thought I was a CHOOSING to have friends, not that I was biologically hard-wired for 'em!!
T-Rex: What other aspects of my personality are just BIOLOGICAL DIRECTIVES? Am I nothing more than a mass of genetic imperatives??
Utahraptor: Yep!
Utahraptor: You're a mass of bones and meat with needs and desires, of course that's affected who you are! If I wasn't bones and meat with needs and desires myself, I'd be SHOCKED the system even works!
T-Rex: I need and desire you to stop describing my body that way.
Off panel: If you tried to turn a ham sandwich into a sentient intelligence you'd expect there to be SOME side effects, so why are you surprised to see 'em when we're running on FAT and BLOOD and WEIRD JUICES??
T-Rex (punchline): Okay nope that made it worse; let's go back to "bones and meat" please!
|
1,658 | selkirk was inspiration for Robinson Crusoe, the phrase "monarch of all I survey", AND a webcomic about talking dinosaurs | null | T-Rex: In 1704, Alexander Selkirk was a sailor who was all, "DUDES, pretty sure this ship is going to sink." Then later, he was all -
T-Rex: "Pretty sure it's still gonna sink, dudes!!"
T-Rex: So at his own request his sailor friends marooned him on a deserted island and sailed away. And it turns out they did sink! But Alex didn't know that on account of how he was marooned alone for the next FOUR YEARS. He thought he'd be rescued in days, not years!
Dromiceiomimus: How'd he survive?
T-Rex: He ate vegetables and shot feral goats, left behind from earlier voyages!
T-Rex: And when his gunpowder ran out, he hunted with his BARE FRIGGIN' HANDS.
Utahraptor: Sounds pretty manly!
T-Rex: Man, he was ultimate manly! He made clothes out of goat skin, sewing them with a NAIL. When his shoes wore out, he discovered his feet had levelled up so much that he didn't even need 'em anymore. And after he was rescued, he went back out to sea!
Utahraptor: What finally killed him?
T-Rex: He died of yellow fever while at sea. It totally sucks, because if his yellow fever had been as big as a goat instead of microscopic, he would've killed it BY HAND and eaten it.
T-Rex (punchline): It sounds gross but I totally think he would've done it!!
|
2,030 | the recipes for Damascus steel and Greek fire were never lost, but neither were they shared beyond their original discoverers, Chuggy "G" Damascus and Ol' Greek Firepants (true fact: history cannot prove that these were not their names). | null | T-Rex: If we were all immortal, then obviously we'd have an overpopulation problem. But what are some of the less obvious downsides? What does a world where everyone is immortal ACTUALLY look like?
Narrator: MORE DOWNSIDES TO IMMORTALITY
T-Rex: The sun rises on an unhappy, technologically underdeveloped world. Old racisms from thousands of years ago are still prevalent, conflicts that would otherwise have been completely forgotten still used as justification for reprisals. Positions of power have been held for hundreds, even thousands of years by one person: when assassination isn't an option, jobs are left only when they're no longer interesting! Society ossifies.
Utahraptor: But at least we're all frozen in peak physicality!
T-Rex: Sure!
T-Rex: And because of that, there's little concern about establishing a legacy. Skills, secrets, inventions and discoveries are jealously guarded, their potential returns stretching out over a lifetime that never ends. In summary and in conclusion, a world where everyone's immortal is bad for everyone!
T-Rex: However, a society in which ONLY I am immortal would have none of these problems. Hey God, folks say you are always listening!
T-Rex (punchline): In this case, may I suggest you should be TAKING NOTES
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363 | shuck your jive, man! shuck ALL your jive! | null | T-Rex: Another beautiful day: such nice sun, a fresh scent in the air, and I'm out for a walk!
T-Rex: Yes indeed, it's good to be young!
T-Rex: Hmm, but it would be better to be both young and in love.
T-Rex: *sigh*
T-Rex: Life is beautiful but sad sometimes!
Utahraptor: Maybe you should write something about it!
Utahraptor: Sometimes writing lets you explore your feelings better.
T-Rex: "Explore your feelings"? Shuck that jive, man! Feelings are for sissies and the elderly!
T-Rex (punchline): Whom, it's worth noting, I respect!
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1,403 | look, all i know is the wall is covered in pee. it's a METAPHOR. it's also an actual interior wall drenched in urine, and i don't know how to deal with this | null | T-Rex: SECRETS.
T-Rex: Do we keep them in order to keep relationships running smoothly?
T-Rex: Do we share them to cement friendships? Treasure them because we value knowledge, and if the knowledge is privileged then it's even MORE valuable? Create them because we are all hopelessly duplicitous and our public faces and private personas can never be reconciled??
Utahraptor: Perhaps we create them out of shame?
T-Rex: Yes!
T-Rex: Those who keep their failings secret appear more perfect, and so we too keep our shames private, in order to bring ourselves up to this impossible standard!
Utahraptor: And when failings are revealed, we react with judgement, fearing any sympathy might arouse interest in our own secrets!
T-Rex: [thinks] No-one must know I peed on the wall
Off panel: [thinks] No-one must know I peed on the wall
T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] No-one must know I bet Utahraptor peed on the wall though
|
1,260 | i hope he comes home soon. from his month-long vacation in the tropics, that is! | null | T-Rex: [thinks] Hey, it's Utahraptor! Wait - IS that Utahraptor...? Oh my God! It's... IT'S....
[no text]
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you won't believe who I just met!
Dromiceiomimus: Who?
T-Rex: FUTURE UTAHRAPTOR! I'm serious, I saw him! He looked like Utahraptor, but he was aged thirty years, and it was the Most Amazing Thing. It couldn't have been anyone else! It was CLEARLY thirty years older Utahraptor.
Utahraptor: So what happened then?
T-Rex: Well, I was staring!
T-Rex: And you noticed it, obviously, but then you turned to me, made eye contact, and nodded with an almost undetectible Mona Lisa smile, just once. It was this amazing nod that said, "Don't worry, T-Rex. Things will be alright. Everything's gonna work out fine."
Utahraptor: Hah! Future me's awesome.
Narrator: MEANWHILE, FORTY YEARS IN THE FUTURE!
T-Rex: Dear audio diary!
T-Rex (punchline): [small] i miss my friend utahraptor
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782 | if you are ever writing a biography of t-rex, you can say "T-Rex is about 25 years old and is a large green Tyrannosaurus Rex. In the future, he is destined to punch out a turkey." | null | T-Rex: I had the weirdest dream last night. Again! Two nights of memorable dreams in a row: A NEW PERSONAL BEST.
T-Rex: I dreamt I was a cockfighter!
T-Rex: Only, I wasn't a regular cockfighter, who battles his animals against those of an opponent. It was with turkeys instead of chickens, and rather than fighting each other, I raced my own turkey around the countryside. Halfway through the race we started fighting - I would punch and the turkey would hop up and peck me. I remember holding back my punches a bit because I didn't want to be known as the kind of dude who would punch out a turkey.
Narrator: LATER: RUMOURS SPREAD.
Utahraptor: Hey! You punch out turkeys?
T-Rex: No!
T-Rex: That was in a dream. A DREAM. I never actually punched out a turkey.
Utahraptor: I heard that parents should lock up their turkeys, because you'll punch them out!
T-Rex: No!! I promise to never punch out a turkey.
Narrator: YEARS LATER: PROMISES ARE BROKEN.
Off panel: Hey, how come my turkey is unconscious?
T-Rex: Good heavens! I HAVE NO IDEA.
T-Rex (punchline): What??
|
817 | how come 'kant's categorical imperative' isn't spelt with a 'k' on 'kategorical'? i think we all know who dropped the ball here: IMMANUEL KANT. more like immanuel kant recognize spelling opportunities in a non-native tongue when he sees them, amiright | null | T-Rex: Are you a person who uses phrases at incorrect times?
T-Rex: I hope that will not be the case today, with...
Narrator: PHRASES FOR THE EASILY CONFUSED
Narrator: WHEN TO USE "SAVE IT FOR THE JUDGE":
T-Rex: After what happened to me last week, I will now wash my hands frequently. I mean, I mean, MORE frequently.
Dromiceiomimus: Ya-huh! Save it for the judge!
Narrator: THERE. THERE WAS A GOOD TIME TO USE IT.
Narrator: WHEN TO USE "HOLY SMACKERELS": WHENEVER!
Utahraptor: Holy smackerels, T-Rex!
T-Rex: Okay!
Narrator: WHEN TO USE "COWABUNGA": ONLY IF YOU ARE A NINJA TURTLE.
T-Rex: So Kant's Categorical Imperative is more of a meta-directive, right?
Utahraptor: In the first formulation, yeah.
Narrator: T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR ARE DINOSAURS SO THAT'S THE ONLY REASON WHY THEY'RE NOT USING IT.
Narrator: WHEN TO USE "I LOVE YOU": ONLY WHEN YOU WANT TO TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM
T-Rex (punchline): I love you!
Narrator: T-REX ACTUALLY JUST WANTED TO SAY HERE THAT HE WAS THIRSTY, SO HE HAS USED THE PHRASE IMPROPERLY. THIS CAN LEAD TO COMPLICATIONS!
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808 | every single problem for this t-rex, up until now, has been solved through stealing a helicopter. so what i'm saying is IT'S BEEN A GOOD RUN | null | T-Rex: I am PRETTY SURE that I could be a pretty great soccer player if I really tried to be! I just haven't explored it! It's probably one of my many
Narrator: HIDDEN TALENTS
T-Rex: I'm probably ALSO really good at surfing, stand up comedy, cross-stitching and helicopter theft! I just haven't tried them because I prefer believing that I have secret talents the world hasn't seen to knowing for certain that I don't actually have anything special and secret in me waiting to be accessed.
Utahraptor: You prefer hidden talent to palpable failure!
T-Rex: Precisely!
Utahraptor: Well, why not just reframe them so they're talents that you HAD, but missed out on? Like, you could have been a great soccer player if only you'd practiced when you were a kid. So the talent's still there, it's simply your flabby aged and relatively enfeebled body that's no longer suitable!
Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX HAS BEEN STEALING HELICOPTERS SINCE HE WAS EIGHT:
T-Rex: I'm so awesome at stealing copters, but I wonder if I could ever be good at stomping on things!
T-Rex (punchline): Is this finally a conundrum that CAN'T be solved with helicopter theft?
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1,232 | IN THE MEANTIME EVERYONE JUST SIMMER DOWN AND EAT JELLO INSTEAD OF WATER HALF OF YOU WERE WISHING FOR THIS WHEN YOU WERE SIX ANYWAY | null | Narrator: WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CARTOON STEREOTYPE COMICS
T-Rex: Oh man. The heart pounding out-of-the-chest "I'm in love" reaction shot!
T-Rex: Second ONLY to the "I'm so angry my head is now a steamwhistle, toot toot" motif.
T-Rex: If I had three wishes - and the wishes had to be about cartoon stereotypes being real, I guess - then those are the two I'd choose. The third one would be "no falling when running off cliffs unless you look down and notice you're running on air", because that, my friends, would be HANDY.
T-Rex: Free bridges for the strong-willed!
Utahraptor: I would have thought you'd choose the bullet hole / water one!
T-Rex: Which one's that?
Utahraptor: It's the one where you're shot with a machine gun, and then later you're thirsty, and then you drink water, and then the water springs out of the holes in your body.
T-Rex (punchline): Hilarious!! Plus, it offers some resistance to machine gun fire.
Utahraptor: Exactly! It's right up your alley.
God: T-REX IN HEAVEN THE BULLET HOLE WATER THING HAPPENS TO ANYONE WHO DIED FROM BEING MACHINE GUNNED IN THE CHEST
God: LISTEN
God: I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON A SOLUTION
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2,354 | I'm pretty sure in my dream there were trillions of lives all living in a complete, consistent universe, and we invented physics? Man I gotta write this stuff down! Okay so the basics of physics in this universe was that matter was also en... en... energizing? That's not right. Hah hah, it's always so hard to remember dreams after you wake up ...and yep, it's gone. Totally, completely gone. Oh my gosh look at the time, I'm late for work!! | null | T-Rex: FACT: Every mosquito you ever killed is now a ghost, trying to bite you at all times! And the same goes for spiders!
T-Rex: And roaches. Look, dude, you're just covered in bugs 24/7!
T-Rex: Even when you go swimming they cling to your flesh, hungering and furious. And it's not just bugs! Those birds that flew into your window still haunt you, trying to peck out your eyes with beaks that, LUCKILY FOR YOU, now pass through physical matter. And that's not even considering our dead cave-ancestors: agitated, frustrated, and confused!
Utahraptor: You sure know how to make me uncomfortable in my own skin!
T-Rex: The same skin these ghosts now crave!
T-Rex: And you're lucky ghosts haven't yet figured out how to become real, because if and when they do every living thing will instantly collapse into a puffy pile of red gore as literally trillions of dead but still pissed off animal life pile on top of us.
Utahraptor: Then what happens?
T-Rex: Um, all is quiet on a dead planet and we wait for life to evolve again? IN CONCLUSION, I rate this world-ending threat above "asteroid impact" but below "the dreamer finally awakens and says 'whoah what a crazy yet massively detailed dream'".
T-Rex (punchline): (I call her "Lady Sleepypants")!
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697 | everyone needs to stop walking in on me while i'm naked and rubbing soap all over my wet body >:| | null | T-Rex: What is the deal with everyone walking in on me while I'm having showers? This has gone well beyond random chance and I am at a loss to explain it.
T-Rex: Everyone needs to stop walking in on me while I'm having a shower, please!
T-Rex: And with that, I'm off to go have a bath or something.
God: HEY T-REX WHAT WAS THAT
God: WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO AGAIN
T-Rex: Nowhere, dear friend! I am off to - go sit and - read a book. About... famous deserts of the past!
God: SWEET
T-Rex: MAN! It almost happened just there!
Utahraptor: What almost happened?
T-Rex: This new "LETS SPY ON T-REX IN THE SHOWER" problem that everyone seems to have - and now God's in on it too! I don't understand. Also I just realized I lied to God about reading a book.
Utahraptor: I think there's posters in the library warning about that.
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex (punchline): Somebody's in here!!!
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1,522 | explode: it's transitive now. | null | T-Rex: Why do we say "rest in peace"? Is it just for the "rest in pieces" pun we can make when we explode someone?
T-Rex: Because if so, I approve 100%!
Narrator: THE END
Narrator: ALTERNATE ENDING:
T-Rex: Why do we say "rest in peace"? Is it just -
Utahraptor: It comes from Latin!
Utahraptor: It's a prayer, "requiescat in pace", which also works in English with about the same meaning: rest in peace. It comes from the Christian tradition, which at various points and to various people has held that there is a time of "soul sleep" after death but before judgment.
Narrator: THE END
Narrator: ALTERNATE ENDING:
T-Rex: Dudes!!
T-Rex (punchline): If they made "Horse Game 64", I would TOTALLY buy that game!
Narrator: ALTERNATE WHOLE THING ACTUALLY
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219 | that's not even the real title of the book: the real title goes on for eleven more words.
alternate alt-text: 'have fun trying to guess which page!' | null | Narrator: DINOSAUR COMICS PRESENTS:
Narrator: "ONE PAGE FROM 'ON THE ORIGIN OF SPECIES' BY CHARLES DARWIN"
T-Rex: Any variation which is not inherited is unimportant for us.
T-Rex: But the number and diversity of inheritable deviations of structure, both those of slight and those of considerable physiological importance, is endless. Dr. Prosper Lucas's treatise, in two large volumes, is the fullest and the best on this subject.
Utahraptor: No breeder doubts how strong is the tendency to inheritance: like produces like is his fundamental belief.
Utahraptor: Doubts have been thrown on this principle by theoretical writers alone.
T-Rex: When a deviation appears not unfrequently, and we see it in the father and child, we cannot tell whether it may not be due to the same original cause acting on
T-Rex (punchline): both; but when amongst individuals, apparently exposed to the same conditions, any very rare deviation, due to some extraordinary combination of circumstances, appears in the parent--say, once amongst several million individuals--and it reappears in the child, the mere doctrine of chances almost compels us to a-
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2,005 | oh wait i get it | null | Narrator: T-REX IS ON HIS WAY TO VISIT TINY TOWNE ISLAND
T-Rex: I'm off to see my friend, the Vice Mayor of Tiny Town himself: Mr. Tusks! He's a tiny elephant with island dwarfism. It's been too LONG since I've last seen him!
T-Rex: Wait frig I mean it's been a TINY bit too long since I've last seen him!
T-Rex: Man, I messed it up!! I need to make "short" puns and I made a "long" pun instead. That's the opposite of short, and it's not even the opposite of the same SENSE of short! I mean short in the "tiny" sense, not in the "as opposed to long" sense.
Dromiceiomimus: Don't you have a boat to catch?
T-Rex: OH DAMN
Utahraptor: Hey, T-Rex, I -
T-Rex: No time to talk; I've got a boat to catch!
Utahraptor: But I was wondering if you could te-
T-Rex: WHY ARE WE STILL TALKING I'M LATE FOR MY BOAT
Utahraptor: Geez, sorry!
T-Rex: I AM NOT RUDE ENOUGH TO LEAVE IN MID CONVERSATION BUT I AM JUST RUDE ENOUGH TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IT
Narrator: TINY TOWNE ISLAND!
T-Rex: Oh, Mr. Tusks, there you are! What are you doing here on the beach?
Off panel: [small] Hullo T-Rex! Do you know what kind of waves wash up on Tiny Towne's beaches?
T-Rex: No, what?
Off panel: [small] microwaves
T-Rex (punchline): Oh shit
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1,449 | see how we started out talking about feelings but ended up talking about mario 3? a few of my past girlfriends will find this comic ODDLY FAMILIAR | null | T-Rex: It seems that, despite the "euphemisms" available to them, folks are still discussing feelings in a frank and straightforward manner. Please! You know why our ancestors crawled out of the ocean?
T-Rex: I'm pretty sure it was to avoid these talks!!
T-Rex: With that in mind, I now present more "euphemisms" to allow you to get by in society!
T-Rex: For example, instead of saying "I feel afraid", you can say "Aw crap! I think I've discovered a weakness in myself." And instead of "I love you!", just say "I have found another weakness; please, excuse me."
Utahraptor: Love isn't a weakness, T-Rex. It's a strength!
T-Rex: Please avoid such crass language, Utahraptor!
T-Rex: Instead of that, you COULD'VE said, "Love isn't a w- hey, where are the warp whistles in Mario 3?" and I would have replied "There's three! The first is found in the third level: crouch on the last white block until you fall through, and then run to the end."
T-Rex: "The second is at the end of the first fortress: fly above where the door is. The third is found by beating the Fire Bros hiding behind the rock at the eastern side of World 2!"
Off panel: That's quite the euphemism!
T-Rex (punchline): Utahraptor. They're quite the whistles.
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613 | i love the idea of founding a utopian community. it's so hopeful and, at the same time, so egomaniacal! | null | T-Rex: I think I put too much symbolism into random encounters with people I meet on the street! I see them as a microcosm for larger society.
T-Rex: It is a Problem with me!
T-Rex: FOR EXAMPLE: the other day I saw some kids who had dropped their bag of marbles. It was a stereotypical image of childhood! But when I stopped to help them pick them up, they said, "No, don't touch them please."
T-Rex: Ouch, man! What went wrong? Can we no longer trust a stranger's helping hand?
Utahraptor: Sure we can, T-Rex!
T-Rex: Well, these kids couldn't!
T-Rex: My mood was off for the rest of the day because of it. I was worrying about communities and stuff!
Utahraptor: This IS the danger in seeing kids as symbols rather than as real people who just want to pick up their own marbles.
Narrator: T-REX DECIDES TO SOLVE ALL HIS PROBLEMS BY FOUNDING HIS OWN UTOPIAN COMMUNITY:
T-Rex: It's actually been on my to-do list for a while now, if you can believe that.
T-Rex (punchline): Everyone! Be just like me!
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2,329 | okay, t-rex out! be excellent to each other! | null | T-Rex: Alright everyone! We've had a good run, but it's time to face facts:
T-Rex: This planet is definitely going to be around forever!
T-Rex: Since it's the center of the universe, it can't help but be eternal. And we also have our cultural milieu, which informs us that the world we live in is eternal and unchanging. Sure, there's suffering, but we can work towards changing that. We've got time!
T-Rex: It will be the SINGLE GREATEST PROJECT we, as a people, ever undertake!
Utahraptor: What if the sun runs out of fuel?
T-Rex: You might sooner ask what if the sky runs out of air!
T-Rex: What if the ocean runs out of water? What if the ground runs out of dirt? They're silly questions to ask about an eternal, unchanging Earth!
Utahraptor: Okay
Utahraptor: Phew
Narrator: LATER, THE SUN EXPLODES:
T-Rex: Attention everyone: I want the last words you hear to be an observation about how impressively long-lived I am!
T-Rex: WAIT!!
T-Rex (punchline): ALSO, HANDSOME
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1,498 | NOW IF YOU HAD TURNED LEFT WHERE YOU PREVIOUSLY TURNED RIGHT THEN WE'D REALLY BE TALKING | null | T-Rex: Oh my goodness I just woke up and I am hungry!
T-Rex: It's time for some friggin' breakfast!!
God: T-REX YOU SURE DO SAY "FRIG" A LOT
T-Rex: I sure friggin' do!
God: OKAY BUT ISN'T IT JUST STANDING IN FOR ANOTHER WORD
T-Rex: Like what? "Tasty-times"? "It's time for some tasty-times breakfast"?
T-Rex: Um, that's barely even grammatical, God!
God: NO IT'S JUST THAT NORMALLY PEOPLE SAY "FRIG" TO BE POLITE
T-Rex: Not me!
Utahraptor: Not you what?
T-Rex: It's not me who says "frig" to be polite! I SAY IT TO BLOW SOME FRIGGIN' MINDS!
Utahraptor: Whoah! Consider my mind blown, then!
T-Rex: I FRIGGIN' DO!!
T-Rex: [stops daydreaming]
God: ANYWAY T-REX THERE'S YOUR VISION OF WHAT LIFE WOULD BE LIKE IF YOU SAID "FRIG" ONLY SLIGHTLY MORE OFTEN
T-Rex (punchline): It seems pretty much the same!
God: WELL IT'S ONLY A SMALL CHANGE FROM THE WAY THINGS ARE NOW
God: HONESTLY NOT REALLY SURE WHAT YOU WERE EXPECTING
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1,113 | it's actually called the 'columbian exchange', but 'columbian explosion' sounds better, and cooks, man, they know the score | null | T-Rex: So Columbus discovers America, right? Or at least, he REdiscovers the continent. He discovers it for Europe. Maybe not for the first time.
T-Rex: Columbus popularizes the continent!
T-Rex: And afterwards, what happens is what cooks call the "Columbian explosion", where fruits and vegetables brought back from the New World have a profound effect on the cooking in the old one! Tomatoes and potatoes are but two of the best-rhyming examples. When people back home discovered these vegetables, they started experimenting with them and coming up with all sorts of crazy, YET DELICIOUS, dishes! The Columbian explosion was an explosion of TASTE.
Utahraptor: And now, Italian food is basically defined by the tomato!
T-Rex: Exactly!
T-Rex: And we don't think "Irish cooking" without "potato", and South Korean food is big on Western peppers too! It must have been an exciting time, trying these new meals that nobody on the continent had ever tasted.
Utahraptor: And they were SO GOOD, they supplemented or replaced existing cultural dishes!
T-Rex: It makes me wish we could have something like that, you know? I'm TIRED of the same old vegetables.
God: I COULD CREATE SOME NEW ONES
T-Rex (punchline): And I'm TIRED of God offering to create new vegetables for me.
God: TO THAT I CAN ONLY SAY
God: BOLLOCKS
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1,392 | let's do "chest" next, okay? "man, that dude chested me with a punch!" | null | T-Rex: So, God!
God: HEY WHAT'S UP
T-Rex: I was wondering, what happens when you die?
God: UM
God: PRETTY SURE I GET TO LIVE FOREVER
T-Rex: No no, I mean, what happens when the RHETORICAL "you" dies?
God: WE ALL START SPEAKING MORE PRECISELY
T-Rex: What happens to ME when I die? Me. Myself!
God: I DO BELIEVE YOU GET BRAINED BY A TEACUP
T-Rex: Argh! Never try to have a theological discussion with God!
Utahraptor: I never do!
Utahraptor: In fact, I don't try to have theological discussions, period! Debating something that boils down to "I believe this despite an absence of proof" is not my idea of fun times.
T-Rex: ALL I WANT TO KNOW IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I DIE.
Utahraptor: ...Don't you get brained by a teacup?
T-Rex: Alright, that's it. Attention, everyone! I have an announcement to make!
T-Rex (punchline): I don't know when people started using "brain" as a verb, but I find I am forced to give it my full endorsement!!
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1,185 | people whose middle name is "Sheriff": at least I know YOU'RE tough. | null | Narrator: THE AMAZING STORY OF EDWARD S. CURTIS
T-Rex: Edward S. Curtis was a photographer of American Indians in the early 1900s! I know he was tough because his middle name was "Sheriff".
T-Rex: For most of his life he documented the disappearing "great race" of the Indian!
T-Rex: He took over 40 thousand photographs - not bad for one guy! And in many cases, his records are the only recorded history we've got. But what's amazing about Curtis is that he specifically set out to record the doomed people his culture imagined Indians to be: the noble savage, the Indian that was alien, stoic, exotic and dying.
T-Rex: And when he met Indians that DIDN'T meet his expectations, he just changed them for his photographs!
Utahraptor: How?
T-Rex: Man, he carried boxes of "Indian" clothing and wigs with him: ethnic signifiers for his subjects if they didn't look Indian enough! And his Indian was clean-shaven, so he'd pay men to shave.
Utahraptor: It's an interesting conflict in the guy: record the Indian before they "die out", but already know what you want to see.
T-Rex: Yep! I think it's amazing how we've still got this idea of the Indian that we look for. If there's no headdress we're disappointed!
Off panel: Only if we're RACIST, T-Rex.
T-Rex: That's what I'm saying!
T-Rex (punchline): Everybody's friggin' racist!
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1,615 | HTML: it doesn't work like that. | null | Narrator: WHERE ARE THEY NOW? CELEBRITIES FROM THE 80s:
T-Rex: Some are dead, most are still around! Some are happy, others are not so happy, but I'm sure they hope to be happy soon.
T-Rex: Best of luck, unhappy 80s celebrities!!
Narrator: THOSE HORIZONTAL BARS ON OLD WEBSITES THAT LOOK LIKE A CIRCULAR SAW IS MOVING BACK AND FORTH TO CUT THE WEBPAGE IN HALF:
Dromiceiomimus: They're still working on cutting that page in half, God bless 'em.
T-Rex: Nobody tell them HTML doesn't work like that, okay??
Narrator: THAT DINNER FROM A FEW MONTHS AGO:
Utahraptor: Some of it probably got turned into your body!
T-Rex: Niiiice.
Narrator: OKAY, ATOMS IN YOUR BODY THEN:
Utahraptor: A better question is "Where were they THEN?" and the answer is "Originally, the big bang, where all that makes you was blasted out of the same stuff that your enemies also came from."
T-Rex: "Also, every bit of current day poop came from there too; pretty gross."
Narrator: EVERYONE FROM 200 YEARS AGO:
T-Rex: All passed away, leaving behind only things others thought were worth preserving, if any, and memories of themselves in the minds of their equally mortal friends.
T-Rex (punchline): This is depressing, let's talk about poo atoms again!
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1,499 | eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee | null | T-Rex: Folks will occasionally publish a story in which a particularly conspicuous orthographic symbol is missing.
T-Rex: I know a handful of justifications for doing this!
T-Rex: It's fun to scout out any limits in your wording (artificial or not) and, in doing so, hit upon an additional, unfamiliar form of communication! And it's a joy to find that, with this unusual linguistic format now at your disposal, talking with this constraint is just as normal to you now as talking without it was!
Dromiceiomimus: It's tricky to sound natural, though.
T-Rex: No doubt!
Utahraptor: But do you actually obtain anything by talking in such a way?
T-Rex: Obviously!
T-Rex: You NOT ONLY gain faculty with odd word inclinations, if that is actually a faculty, but you also gain all sorts of skills: talking skills, thinking quickly skills, and, um... an opportunity to publish a dictionary for folks with similar fascinations?
Utahraptor: Huh.
Off panel: I still think it's not half as striking as if you didn't say a particular word for a bit - say, "frig"?
T-Rex: Utahraptor! Do you truly ask that I dismiss my many plans for my tomb to proclaim "THIS MAN SAID 'FRIG' A LOT AND, YOU GUYS, IT WAS SO RAD"?
T-Rex (punchline): As I will NOT
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2,190 | anyway, my friends, that's how come i'm late for dinner | null | Narrator: THE DAY T-REX'S MIND BROKE:
God: T-REX WHAT IF I TOLD YOU WE WERE 100 YEARS IN THE FUTURE
T-Rex: I would say you're crazy, because WHERE ARE THE HOVERCARS??
God: OKAY WHAT IF I CREATED HOVERCARS
T-Rex: Please do! But it's still not the future, dude!
T-Rex: The future isn't JUST hovercars: it's medical advances, spaceships, sex robots, regular robots too I guess - and the list goes on!
God: OKAY BUT WHAT IF I CHANGED THE WORLD LIKE THAT AND PROMISED IT'S EXACTLY HOW THINGS WILL BE 100 YEARS FROM NOW
T-Rex: Again: awesome. But the stars move over time too, right? I could IN THEORY not be partying with robots long enough to notice that.
God: BUT WHAT IF I WENT AHEAD AND FUTURIZED EVERY SINGLE ATOM IN THE UNIVERSE
T-Rex: That's - insane!
Utahraptor: What is?
T-Rex: If God alters the physical universe so that it's exactly how it'd be 100 years from now - is it still today? Are we suddenly... in the FUTURE??
Utahraptor: ...Whoah. Maybe? I mean, I want to say no, but there's no way for us to detect a difference. Whoah.
Utahraptor: What the hell IS time then??
T-Rex (punchline): I don't know! WHAT THE HELL ARE OUR CLOCKS MEASURING?? aaaarrrRRRRGHHH
T-Rex's head: *pop*
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882 | yes! be that guy who brings leprechauns to the table | null | T-Rex: Something people like to argue about sometimes is whether or not certain things are genetically innate, or personal decisions!
Narrator: NATURE VERSUS NURTURE
Narrator: in comic form, baby
T-Rex: If it's natural, then you can't really blame a person for having it, because they didn't have a choice. But if it's because of nurture, then you CAN blame them for it, or at the very least their parents! OR SOCIETY.
Dromiceiomimus: Is the whole nature/nurture debate really about assigning blame?
T-Rex: I think so! It doesn't change the "nature" (oh ho ho!) of what's being discussed, just its origin.
Utahraptor: Well, it's not just about blame or credit, T-Rex, it's also about free will!
T-Rex: Free will?
Utahraptor: Yeah, because if something important about you is fully determined by your genes, then you never had any control over that, and you're not responsible. You didn't have a choice. On the other hand, if you think babies are born as blank slates, then that's limitless personal freedom, but that has problems too!
God: GUYS THERE IS A THIRD OPTION
T-Rex (punchline): What's that? GOD wanted it to be that way?
God: I WAS GONNA SAY LEPRECHAUNS BUT YEAH
God: DANG
God: THAT'S GOOD TOO
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2,376 | "SOCIETY" | null | T-Rex: One day little Timmy got one wish from a genie. But we don't care about him anymore because his wish was that all the fast food chains got turned into 18-year-old girls!
T-Rex: Hah hah! That's WAY more interesting!!
T-Rex: So joining Annie McDonald's at Highcal High is June "the Whopper" King, the tall Jane Silver (who passes as a man and uses the pseudonym "John" due to sexisms), The Taco Belle, Wendy (this one was easy), and Kitty Fran Cooper, who goes by -
Dromiceiomimus: KFC! Like the place where they'll fry up a dead chicken for you!
T-Rex: PRECISELY.
Utahraptor: And they fight crime??
T-Rex: What? No, they're students.
T-Rex: I like it though. Huh, maybe they DO fight crime! And their base could be in a... SUBWAY??
Utahraptor: Or in a... WHITE CASTLE??
T-Rex: Whoah that's way better
Narrator: LATER, T-REX GETS SERVED WITH SEVERAL COPYRIGHT AND TRADEMARK INFRINGEMENT LAWSUITS:
T-Rex: Man!!
T-Rex (punchline): It's only because I had some illegal thoughts, and then, I wrote down the illegal thoughts
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941 | some days you intend to make a game boy age-of-consent joke, and some days the game boy age-of-consent jokes just show up! TODAY IS ONE THE LATTER FOR GOOD OL' T-REX | null | Narrator: HOW TO GET MARRIED
Narrator: a comic for people who are way into getting married
T-Rex: If you want to get married then first you need to find a mate! You need to find a LIFE PARTNER.
T-Rex: Once you have that partner, then ALL YOU HAVE TO DO is commit to them for the rest of your life, and they to you! It's really that easy! It's like buying a Game Boy, opening it up, and then saying, "Yes, this is enough. I will never get tired of Tetris."
T-Rex: ALSO, the Game Boy loves you back.
T-Rex: Aaand you're not allowed to loan the Game Boy out to friends unless you and the Game Boy talk about it first.
Utahraptor: I really don't see why you're forcing a Game Boy into this, T-Rex!
T-Rex: Utahraptor! It's an analogy.
Utahraptor: Yeah, but it's ridiculous! This is you: "Marriage is like Game Boys, only you marry the Game Boys."
T-Rex: Yes, that is a fair and accurate impression of me and my awesome description of marriage.
T-Rex: But don't you see? By casting marriage in terms of Game Boys, I make it seem accessible, fun, affordable, and sexy!
Off panel: Game Boys are like 15 years old!
T-Rex: THEY ARE 18 YEARS OLD THIS YEAR FOR YOUR INFORMATION
T-Rex (punchline): ALSO WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SAY
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1,005 | guys i know that descartes originally wrote 'je pense, donc je suis' in french and not in latin but the latin quote is the famous one so t-rex is being an UNRELIABLE NARRATOR here. also, hey, it's the 17th century, let's translate french into latin for no good reason huh?? | null | T-Rex: Descartes was a dude who wrote "Cogito ergo sum" which means "I think, therefore I am". PRETTY NEAT, cats and kittens!
T-Rex: But also... PRETTY FLAWED??
T-Rex: The whole deal with "I think, therefore I am" is that Descartes is all "DAAAAAAMN, I can't be sure of ANYTHING! My senses are flawed. All I know for sure is I keep STRESSIN' about this stuff!" and then his girlfriend is all "If you're so hung up on this then you must exist, huh baby?" and Descartes is all "Yes. That is true. I will write this down in Latin."
T-Rex: That is how it went down.
Utahraptor: So what's the problem, besides your unnecessary storytelling?
T-Rex: Descartes' girlfriend!
T-Rex: She's making a huge logical leap! It's indisputable that thinking is going on, right, but we don't know for sure that Descartes is doing the thinking! All we know for sure is that thinking is going on.
Utahraptor: I agree!
T-Rex: R-Really?
Off panel: Yeah! You can't have thinking in a vacuum, so SOMETHING must exist if there's thinking going on...
T-Rex and off panel: ...but to attribute that thinking to yourself just because you're aware of it is an awful big leap for a skeptic to make!
T-Rex (punchline): OH MY GOODNESS HOW DID WE JUST DO THAT
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920 | who here could resist flipping through a book with that title, if you saw it just lying there in a bookstore? if you are saying ''no'' then you should follow that with a ''HEY GUYS I AM ALSO SO MISREPRESENTIN' MY FUTURE ACTIONS RIGHT NOW'' | null | T-Rex: I want to write something that'll make people see the world through fresh eyes! Something they'll want to pass on to their children!
God: YOU WANT TO WRITE THE LITTLE PRINCE
T-Rex: BASICALLY.
T-Rex: Except that's been done! I want something NEW that will touch the heart of everyone, WITHOUT EXCEPTION.
Dromiceiomimus: This is the desire authors have, isn't it? To say something new that is nevertheless eternal? To really touch people, to change their lives for the better using only their ideas?
T-Rex: I guess! I bet some authors just want to tell jokes about dinosaurs though.
T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: That wouldn't be so bad
Utahraptor: So - get to work! Get to writing!
T-Rex: I can't! I need INSPIRATION.
Utahraptor: Okay, here: take something that's common to everyone, and present it in an empathic, sympathetic light. How about - letting down someone you love! We've all done it and I don't think anyone enjoys it. There's pathos there.
T-Rex: Brilliant! You've really helped me out, Utahraptor!
Narrator: SOON:
T-Rex (punchline): I call my tale, "The Alluring Person with Hidden Greatness (Just Like You!) Who Accidentally Let Down Someone he Loves but then Made Amends and They Kissed: An Action-Packed Tale of the Star Wars Universe, But Afterwards They Visit The Enterprise And Bender Is There"
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801 | dude loves his breakfast, you don't even know | null | God: HEY T-REX HOW MANY EMOTIONS ARE THERE
T-Rex: How many emotions are there?? I can think of at least three.
T-Rex: Desire, elation, and rage!
God: YOUR LIST OF EMOTIONS IS A SHORT STORY HUH
T-Rex: Yep! It's about a woman who desires something, then gets it and is pretty elated about the whole thing, but then, AFTERWARDS, she's pretty pissed.
God: COOL
Utahraptor: I think emotions are not discrete but rather a continuum, T-Rex!
T-Rex: I find your views interesting! Tell me more!
Utahraptor: The emotions we have in English are just labels we've applied to a SPECTRUM of feeling. You can almost always divide existing emotions into smaller, more precise chunks! For example, your well-known satisfaction at eating cereal in the morning is an exact, identifiable, reproducible joy that I can only label "breakfast pleasure".
T-Rex: Breakfast pleasure! Finally, I have words for that most sublime of satisfactions!! BREAKFAST PLEASURE. I love breakfast pleasure.
Off panel: I know, T-Rex.
T-Rex (punchline): I'm not entirely certain that you do!
|
891 | next time you do the dishes, ask yourself if the dishes are clean, or if they're PHYSICAL INTIMACY clean. you may want to aim for the latter! | null | T-Rex: Remember my friend (female) who dated her roommate (also female)? That is not the only sexy adventure she has had!
T-Rex: Not by a long shot!
T-Rex: Like this one time she had a gentleman caller spend the night. Nothing happened, but the next day while she was at work, this guy did all her dishes for her!
T-Rex: Then, that night, they had SEXUAL CONGRESS!
T-Rex: Coincidence?
Utahraptor: Or just one more way sexual intimacy is commodified?
T-Rex: Sex for clean dishes! Exactly!
Utahraptor: I was more pointing out that you're the guy who's drawing the equal sign between doing the dishes and having sex. They could be unrelated!
T-Rex: And I'M just pointing out now we can tease her by offering to do her dishes and raising our eyebrows! I'm gonna do it like this:
T-Rex (punchline): Hello! Can I clean your dishes??
|
2,293 | the story actually never specifies the magic mirror rhyme limitation, but i'm being conservative in my estimate of its abilities. it remains possible that there is no such limitation, and the queen just has a wicked flow | null | T-Rex: Hey, remember when I argued QUITE PERSUASIVELY that Aladdin was history's greatest monster for never ever wishing for an end to suffering?
T-Rex: Turns out he's got competition!
T-Rex: FROM SNOW WHITE'S WICKED QUEEN.
T-Rex: The story glosses over it kinda quickly, like they KNOW it's nuts, but this lady - this QUEEN - has a magic mirror which, due to its magical ways, will HONESTLY ANSWER ANY QUESTION YOU PUT TO IT AS LONG AS IT RHYMES. And what does she use it for?
Dromiceiomimus: Prettiness tests!
T-Rex: Exactly!
T-Rex: She doesn't say "Mirror mirror on the wall, how can life's curse of aging be stalled?"
Utahraptor: Nope!
Utahraptor: Nor does she say "Mirror mirror on the wall, how can clean energy be provided for all?" or even "Mirror mirror mounted here, how can chicks and dudes have satisfying careers?"
T-Rex: NOR does she ask "Mirror mirror mounted centrally, please provide a closed-system technique of reversing entropy". What a jerk!!
Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN FAIRYTALE LAND:
T-Rex: Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?
Off panel: Fair like pretty or fair like equality? The word has overloaded semantic duality.
T-Rex (punchline): True enough!
|
2,091 | every time traveller unaware everyone else is a time traveller, wondering why the old-timey accents sound so fake, and yet, familiar; the intended crew and passengers all tied up in a closet somewhere in England, kept alive so that their descendants can grow up to become... TIME TRAVELLERS :o | null | T-Rex: I am a guy who is big into the Titanic! The hubris, the disaster, the lost potential. It's all so fascinating!
T-Rex: But how much is there left to know?
T-Rex: Are we going to one day discover the sort of pants the second mate was wearing? The exact key the final song was played in? The ship won't survive on the sea bed forever: eventually it will collapse into a pile of metal and ceramic and decay even further. We may soon reach a point where we have learnt all that it is possible to learn about the Titanic!
Utahraptor: I disagree, my friend!
T-Rex: And I am relieved to hear it!
Utahraptor: We'll always have alternative, CRAZY theories to entertain us: maybe the Titanic sank for the insurance money! Maybe it never sank at all! And in the future, where time travel exists, we'll be able to send observers on board to watch the sinking!
T-Rex: Oh man! Maybe - maybe EVERYONE on board was an observer!
T-Rex: And then more time travellers came back to try to stop them but they keep drowning too, and now the first thing you learn in temporalnaut school is "stay the heck away from Olympic-class ships, bro!"
T-Rex: Oh man!
T-Rex (punchline): In the future, we're all bros!!
|
1,519 | also: batman | null | T-Rex: If I get married, we have to play "Earth Angel" as the first dance, okay?
T-Rex: You guys! It'll be amazing!!
Dromiceiomimus: That's that climactic slow dance from Back to the Future, right? Why do you like it?
T-Rex: Oh! It's - romantic? I, um - I like how he says he will love the eponymous earth angel forever and ALSO ever more.
Dromiceiomimus: And what if "Johnny B. Goode" was played as the next song?
T-Rex: THAT would be entirely awesome!
Utahraptor: Hah! You don't want to get married. You want to go to a dance played by Marty McFly!
T-Rex: Man, whatever!
T-Rex: I've been to like two weddings in my life, but I've seen them portrayed in media thousands of times! Is it SO WRONG to incorporate elements of these media portrayals into my own expectations??
Utahraptor: I guess not, except for the fact that the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance is a HIGH SCHOOL BALL and not a wedding!
T-Rex: Hello?? Marty's parents share a relationship-making kiss at that dance! The parallels are TOTALLY OBVIOUS.
T-Rex (punchline): I'll say it again: if I had one wish, it'd be "Tell me how long it's going to take until everyone realizes they should never argue with me about Back to the Future".
|
1,214 | the radio's turned down. it's not because i couldn't get the lyrics to fit otherwise. | null | T-Rex: I like it when commercials license pop songs and then make up their own product centric lyrics. It's a window into an alternate corporate-controlled universe!
T-Rex: An alternate corporate controlled universe where all songwriters have brain damage?
T-Rex: The lyrics are always so terrible and the songs entirely arbitrary. It's like - it's like they license "Candle in the Wind" and then have some Elton John sound-alike singing "Goodbye, Norma Jeane / Did you ever / Use Duracell / They make some fine batteries / On this we all should dwell"
Dromiceiomimus: Hah! You know, I'd watch that commercial.
T-Rex: It's so representative!
Utahraptor: Now do "Somewhere Over The Rainbow"!
T-Rex: Sure! Um... how about -
T-Rex: "Someone's Sara-Lee branded / cherry pie / makes me glad that I've heard that / they're now in high supply"
Utahraptor: Hilarious! It makes me want to buy a Sara-Lee branded cherry pie.
T-Rex: It's not that hard! You just imagine being good, and then don't do that.
Narrator: THAT EVENING (SET TO THE TUNE OF "WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD"):
Off panel: I see leaves of green / red onions too / I see them here, for me and you / And I think to myself: / "What A Wonderful Pre-Packaged Asian-Style Salad from Loblaw's Grocery."
T-Rex (punchline): Man, *I* did WAY better than that!!
|
716 | T-REX'S BUSY DAY | null | T-Rex: I really wish I'd invented fire extinguishers or something. Man!
T-Rex: It would be a great way to be remembered every time someone puts out a fire!
Dromiceiomimus: Another shot at immortality, T-Rex?
T-Rex: Not really! I just would like to be thought of fondly once in a while. Every time someone puts out a fire would be often enough for me!
Utahraptor: Do you know who really did invent the fire extinguisher though, T-Rex?
T-Rex: Nope!
T-Rex: But, you know, that's his fault, right? He didn't CAPITALIZE on it. But I would have! I'd have the extinguishers say "Remember T-Rex? He was so great, wasn't he guys?" every time they were used. Just a soft reminder - nothing too loud!
Utahraptor: Huh.
Narrator: A REVELATION:
T-Rex: ALTHOUGH, people sometimes shout "nooo!" while using a fire extinguisher ON a fire, so onlookers might not be able to hear, OR they might think they're shouting in response to the extinguisher!
T-Rex (punchline): It would only add to the confusion.
|
1,270 | it's a borrowed tv set? | null | T-Rex: You know what I don't like?
God: WHAT DON'T YOU LIKE
T-Rex: Star Trek!
T-Rex: Only one part of it though!!
T-Rex: I don't like when they encounter something amazing in Engineering or wherever and call up to the bridge and say "Captain, you'd better get down here." Explain what it is! THIS IS WHAT PEOPLE DO. I don't call up my friends and say, "Utahraptor, you'd better get down here." and he says "Why?" and I say "Oh Utahraptor, if only we had descriptive language; if only I could describe something using my words. But you know as well as I that I can only point and say, lookit."
Utahraptor: So don't watch those parts of Star Trek!
T-Rex: I try, but it's everywhere! Even not on Star Trek!
T-Rex: The news always says, "Up next: what's in your bathroom that may be trying to kill you!" and then go to commercials. This is psychopathic. I'm the Captain and they don't even want me in Engineering! They want me on the couch for the next three minutes of ads.
Utahraptor: That IS one way of looking at it!
Narrator: LATER:
Off panel: Tonight at 11: what you're eating that could be taking TWENTY YEARS off your life!!
T-Rex (punchline): I'M THE CAPTAIN
|
117 | dooooooooooomed | null | T-Rex: After the success of my role of "Tony", the hard-living mechanic, I have won another role!
T-Rex: This play is more abstract, for you see...
T-Rex: I play "Religion"!
T-Rex: I am faith, trust, and hope! I am the profound belief in a power larger and more important than ourselves.
T-Rex: I am truth and beauty!
T-Rex: I am love and humility!
T-Rex: It's the role I was born to play!
Utahraptor: Hey, I forgot to tell you my big news the other day!
T-Rex: What's that?
Utahraptor: I got a part in the new play down at the community centre!
Utahraptor: Guess what?
Utahraptor: I play "Science"!
T-Rex: Nooooo!
T-Rex (punchline): Our friendship is doomed!!
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1,383 | if i were dating a relationship counsellor, i would always accuse them of drumming up business for themselves, and then i would win every argument, and then, i probably wouldn't be dating a relationship counsellor anymore | null | Narrator: T-REX HAS BECOME A RELATIONSHIP COUNSELLOR.
T-Rex: Yep!
T-Rex: It's not that hard, you guys!
T-Rex: Someone comes in and says "Boo hoo I have trouble with one or more of my RELATIONSHIPS", and what do I say? I say "How does that make you feel?" and they say "Sad" and I say "But talking about it makes you feel better, right?" and they say "A little, I guess" and I say "Excellent! CASE CLOSED."
T-Rex: When I say "Case closed" I make eye contact, take off my glasses, and dramatically slam closed the book I'm holding.
Utahraptor: You don't wear glasses!
T-Rex: I wear them when I'm a relationship counsellor, silly!
Utahraptor: This whole thing is so implausible! How did you suddenly become a counsellor? Where do your customers come from?
T-Rex: From bad relationships, obviously!
Utahraptor: HOW DO THEY HEAR ABOUT YOUR SERVICES?
T-Rex: VIA THEIR EARS, I WOULD IMAGINE??
T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] I am drumming up business for myself
|
1,057 | FINE | null | T-Rex: I have a problem! The problem is that when I'm chatting online with someone, I - I sometimes steal their writing styles?
T-Rex: It's like I have no chatting identity of my own!
T-Rex: If they're not using capital letters, I'll stop using them too, because I don't want to seem all hoity-toity! And if they're using smilies then I might throw a few in, just so they don't feel like I look down on them. It's like - I'm somehow so insecure about how I type that I become this chatting chameleon. You know, Dromiceiomimus?
Dromiceiomimus: I guess!
Utahraptor: Man, I wish you'd adopt MY chatting style, both style-wise AND content-wise!
T-Rex: *gasp*
Utahraptor: T-Rex, I'm always "Hey, here I am ready to intelligently discuss the Issues of the Day" and you're all, "d00d what's for breakfast?? :000!".
T-Rex: Well. Maybe. But I feel comfortable with you! I guess I do it with people I haven't known for as long. I'll do better next time, okay?
[messaging application window with conversation log between <rex> and <utah>]
Window title: Awesome Chat 2: AWESOME PEOPLE ONLY
Menu: File Edit Search Awesome? Help
Caption: [above a picture of T-Rex] Your avatar:
T-Rex: hey utahraptor
T-Rex: hey
Utahraptor: Hey, what's up?
T-Rex: dude not much
T-Rex: check in out i just found the best emoticon EVER
T-Rex: OGC
Utahraptor: I don't get it.
T-Rex: turn your head
T-Rex: IT'S A DUDE MASTURBATING
T-Rex: hahaha
T-Rex: OCC - shit, i never took out the garbage!
T-Rex: OGC - oh wait!! i did!
T-Rex: hey
T-Rex (punchline): tell your friends okay
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959 | bard of avon's just standing there in his pajamas, flipping off the toaster | null | T-Rex: Anthropomorphism is when you have things that normally can't talk walking around and behaving like people! It happens whenever a toaster flips you off.
Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS
Narrator: today's technique:
Narrator: ANTHROPOMORPHISM
T-Rex: Anthropomorphism is often used in childrens' stories where you have talking animals, but can also be used in more adult works! This is because occasionally adults enjoy it when a cat is sassy. Sometimes, a character will be anthropomorphized by mistake, like when you write a play and accidentally attribute dialogue to ceiling tile. The ceiling tile is said to be "anthropomorphized" if the oversight is not corrected in a timely fashion.
Utahraptor: We all know what anthropomorphism is, dude!
T-Rex: Aw man, really?
Utahraptor: Yep! We've actually talked about it before, remember? But - you know, thanks for the reminder!
T-Rex: Well, you're welcome! Anytime you need anthropomorphism explained, just drop me a line.
Utahraptor: Gotcha.
Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND!
T-Rex (punchline): Shakespeare, are you flipping off your toaster again? It's 3 AM!
Off panel: he started it!!
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664 | grant request: DENIED?! | null | T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for trying to explore THE VERY LIMITS OF MY OWN BODY.
T-Rex: By which I mean "examining instinctual responses", of course!
T-Rex: I find the idea of instincts interesting. What's it like having a drive to do something but not really understanding why? Have I ever felt an instinctive urge like that?
T-Rex: Well! I intend to find out, using the power of science coupled with the power of auto-experimentation!
Narrator: SOON:
Utahraptor: So, how's the experiment going?
T-Rex: TOTALLY SUCKY!
T-Rex: I can't figure out what I should be testing. What are some instincts people have?
Utahraptor: Oh, well, you could always put your favourite food in your mouth and try not to chew or swallow it. It's possible to do this, but the desire to eat it is strong. Tada! Instinct!
T-Rex: Ooh! OR, I could surround myself with attractive and sexually-available women and then try not to have the intercourse with them!
Off panel: That seems more like an excuse for group sex than actual science.
T-Rex (punchline): EXPERIMENT: APPROVED??
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2,222 | HISTORY'S GREATEST GHOSTS / ARE NOW VAMPIRES TOO | null | T-Rex: The war of dinosaur vampires vs zombie ghosts has been won! The afterlife belongs to the friendly vampires, which is better than zombies!!
T-Rex: Yaaaaaaaaay!
T-Rex: But here on Earth, many greedy vampires remain: feeding on the mortals left behind, refusing to step gladly into the light! So it's up to the few mortals left to overthrow the vampires and carve out a new Earth Utopia! WE MUST KILL THE VAMPIRES THAT BETRAYED US.
Dromiceiomimus: And what happens?
T-Rex: We lose! We're fighting AGELESS COMBAT-TRAINED VAMPIRES, yo.
Utahraptor: So all is lost?
T-Rex: Not exactly!
T-Rex: We're trying to kill the vampires during the day when they're the most vulnerable - but they fight us in the shade. So instead, we attack at night!
Utahraptor: That gives vampires the advantage, dude!
T-Rex: Oh, sure! That's exactly what they think too.
T-Rex: UNTIL THEY SEE AN IMMORTAL ARMY OF PISSED-OFF GHOSTS MATERIALIZE BESIDE US! Dude, throw in a love story and you've got a bestselling trilogy IN THE BAG!!
T-Rex (punchline): I'm serious; please throw in a love story; I'm terrible at writing characters with what I'm told are "genuine emotions"
|
579 | getting depressed during the winter is called 'seasonal affective disorder', or SAD. come on, psychiatrists. let's be serious. | null | T-Rex: There sure is a lot I don't know about...
T-Rex: CLINICAL DEPRESSION!
Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, you shouldn't joke about clinical depression (major depressive disorder)! It's not very funny.
T-Rex: I'm not! I'm just saying that there's a lot I don't know about it. How do you deal with it? How do you best support a friend who is dealing with it? I have NO IDEA.
Utahraptor: Well, it is good that you want to find out more!
T-Rex: I agree!! I am a model for us all.
T-Rex: So! Depression?
Utahraptor: I don't know much about it either, T-Rex! I think you'll have to do your own research on this one.
T-Rex: Aw boo! Researching things, much like the mental illness of depression, is for chumps!
Narrator: T-REX RESEARCHES IT ANYWAY:
T-Rex: Oh man, I should not have said that depression is for chumps. That's like the worst thing you can say to a depressed person!
T-Rex (punchline): SHEESH, T-Rex!
|
767 | if you think t-rex's reaction to the pet duck is a little extreme, that's because you don't yet know that it's wearing an adorable little duck-sized sailor's uniform, complete with jaunty blue chapeau. | null | T-Rex: Occam's razor is a principle of simplicity! It says that one should always choose the simplest explanation for something, when given a choice between competing theories of different complexity.
Narrator: OCCAM'S RAZOR COMICS
T-Rex: Anyway, yeah!
T-Rex: It makes sense!
Utahraptor: That's all you have to say about Occam's razor?
T-Rex: Yep! As I say, it makes sense.
Utahraptor: Huh! Well, I mean - I agree. There's no reason to prefer a more complex explanation when a simpler one has equal predictive power.
T-Rex: INDEED.
T-Rex: Hooray for Occam's Razor!
Narrator: LATER: NOBODY FRIGGIN' CARES ABOUT OCCAM'S RAZOR
T-Rex: Holy crap, is that a pet duck? How do you go about getting a pet duck?
T-Rex (punchline): I MUST OWN ONE.
|
1,594 | the pulitzer prize folks are very careful about distinguishing between their chosen "nominated finalists" and the mere "entrants", but here's the good news: nobody else is!! | null | T-Rex: So, hey, it turns out you can nominate yourself for a Pulitzer prize.
T-Rex: And it only costs fifty bucks!
T-Rex: This is AMAZING, Dromiceiomimus. Anything I write can be entered for a PULITZER PRIZE!
Dromiceiomimus: While technically true, T-Rex, the awards are for Americans only, and most of the prizes are for reporting.
T-Rex: I'm not trying to WIN it, Dromiceiomimus. I'm just trying to drop "So hey, my DIARY is in the running for a Pulitzer Prize" into conversation!
T-Rex: Maybe I'll get nominated for a Nobel prize soon too!
Utahraptor: They privately ask scientists for nominations.
T-Rex: NO PROBLEM! We're tight with some scientists, right? Heck, we're tight with PROFESSOR SCIENCE. If anyone can nominate us for a Nobel prize, it's him!
Utahraptor: "We"? I'm included in this?
T-Rex: "Nomination for Best Wicked Sweet Friendship Between Two Dudes", my friend!
T-Rex (punchline): "Also: SCIENCE."
|
665 | let's be serious here for a minute! are we to abandon all hope of fixing it so quickly? | null | T-Rex: There was a mouse in my house last night. A mouse! In my house! That rhymes!
T-Rex: But that's not important right now!
T-Rex: This mouse was not only in my house but in my kitchen and on my kitchen counter. Clearly, he needs to die!
Dromiceiomimus: Awwww, T-Rex! Can't you just use a humane trap instead of killing him?
T-Rex: FINE.
Narrator: A FEW DAYS LATER:
Utahraptor: How's the mouse situation?
T-Rex: Sadly unchanged!
T-Rex: I'm at an impasse! I don't want to kill him, but I figure if I use a humane trap to release him somewhere else, I'm just shifting the problem to the new dude whose kitchen he moves into.
Utahraptor: Can't mice also live outdoors?
T-Rex: I don't know! I can't look up mice on the internet because my internet is down!
Off panel: What about an encyclopaedia?
T-Rex (punchline): Dude, WHAT ABOUT THE INTERNET??
|
292 | but - what if he did? | null | Narrator: IDENTITY THEORY COMICS
T-Rex: The identity theory is that all states of the mind are identical to all states of the brain!
T-Rex: This means that for every perception, every emotion, even for every thought that I have, there is a corresponding state in my brain to match!
T-Rex: My sense of self itself is nothing more than the physical state of the chemicals and neurons in my stately skull!
Utahraptor: Your theory has appeal, T-Rex!
T-Rex: It does?
Utahraptor: Sure! It seems rational, plus it gives us hope that we could design a computer with a consciousness and - dare I dream? - a soul!
T-Rex: But it's not that simple!
Utahraptor: Sure it is! If you're hung up about consciousness, consider it to be emergent behaviour!
T-Rex (punchline): Dude, I don't even know what that is!!
|
1,053 | oh man, BUSTED in panel 2, t-rex!! | null | T-Rex: [thinks] sex
God: T-REX YOU SURE HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT SEX A LOT LATELY
T-Rex: I haven't!!
God: YEAH MAN FOR LIKE THE PAST FIVE DAYS THIS IS YOU
God: HEY GUYS HOW ABOUT SEX PRETTY SEXY HUH HEY I'M GONNA DIRECT THE CONVERSATION TOWARDS IT
God: THAT WAS YOU JUST THEN
T-Rex: Okay MAYBE I've been talking about it a lot lately. MAYBE.
T-Rex: But it's not my fault! I just have such GOOD ideas for erotica.
Utahraptor: They're terrible!
Utahraptor: They're like - joke ideas for erotica. Nobody's going to read corporate erotica, which was the idea you were imagining yesterday. You explained it to me afterwards and that's how come I know about it now.
T-Rex: So plausible!
T-Rex: [thinks] sex
God: T-REX I CAN PRACTICALLY SEE THE THOUGHT BALLOON ABOVE YOUR HEAD
T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] aw dang
|
1,611 | panel seven shows a puzzled guy one stall over, trying to put that last line of dialogue into some sort of context | null | T-Rex: The greatest proof that time travel isn't possible is that we're not being visited by tourists from the future. I call this Sexy T-Rex's Argument Against Time Travel!
God: STEPHEN HAWKING SAID THAT ALREADY
T-Rex: ...fine! FINE.
T-Rex: Stephen Hawking is a smart guy; it makes sense he'd get there first. However, did he ever say maybe time tourists are ALREADY walking among us, but they've disguised themselves so well that we've never noticed?
Dromiceiomimus: No, but Carl Sagan did.
T-Rex: ...
T-Rex: ...He WOULD.
Utahraptor: Turns out greater minds than yours have thought about time travel already, huh?
T-Rex: Sure, but that's fine!
T-Rex: I'm PERFECTLY CONTENT if nobody ever talks about T-Rex's Argument Against Time Travel. It's the idea that's important, not who gets credit for it!
Utahraptor: Really? That's very mature of you.
T-Rex: Thank you! I am an extremely mature gentleman, and I'm flattered you noticed.
Narrator: LATER: T-REX VANDALIZES A BATHROOM WALL WITH THE WORDS "STEPHEN HAWKING AND CARL SAGAN, YOU BOTH HAVE UNWITTINGLY DONE ME A SMALL UNKINDNESS"
T-Rex (punchline): It's as forceful as I could get; I love those guys!!
|
909 | there is some debate over the spelling of 'zach morris' in yesterday's comic. some say it should be spelt 'zack', while others maintain bad spelling is a proud tagging tradition! if you're reading through the comics backwards, then dude! guess what! zach morris is in the next comic! | null | T-Rex: A new year is coming up. That means it is time to take stock of my life and make resolutions for improvements in the year to come!
God: THERE IS NO CHOICE IN THIS MATTER
T-Rex: RESOLUTION ONE:
T-Rex: eat less chickens!
T-Rex: I mean, eat FEWER chickens. "Fewer" is when you can count them, and "less" is when it's more of a mass and less countable, right? Like, I'd eat less rice, but I'd eat fewer COUNTABLY-MANY grains of rice.
Dromiceiomimus: I think you should resolve to be less obsessed about grammar!
T-Rex: Oh, Dromiceiomimus. Denied!!
Utahraptor: So let's hear these other resolutions!
T-Rex: Of course! AFTER we talk about "less" and "fewer".
T-Rex: Isn't it neat that we have this distinction in English between fewer and less, but the opposite, "more", covers both those cases? Our language is ASYMMETRICAL. If you want to encode countability in your "greater than" comparison word, then good luck! Hah! GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, MY FRIEND!
Utahraptor: Okay!
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex (punchline): I ALSO resolve to get more smooches from ladies.
|
1,932 | even if there's some noise and they don't fully regenerate YOU, they'll at least regenerate someone who loves all the same stuff you! it seems some pretty good hangouts could EASILY go down with such a person | null | T-Rex: There's some things I do that nobody else does. Maybe I decorate my room in a particular way! You can put a LOT of things in a room; it seems reasonable we'd all decorate it slightly differently!
T-Rex: And even if some folks decorate the same, they'd still do other things differently!
T-Rex: Just expand the reasoning out to the things I buy, the way I talk and write - they all add up to a unique set of artifacts generated by ME.
Dromiceiomimus: Sure!
T-Rex: And many of these things: photos of my rooms, my fancy hats, my excellent emails that I'm sure you're all archiving - all could last long after I die!
Utahraptor: So what? You leave behind a bunch of stuff.
T-Rex: Not just stuff: UNIQUE stuff!
T-Rex: And if there's a one-to-one link between the stuff I leave behind and the person I was, can't we imagine a future in which Science can be used to follow these links... backwards?
Utahraptor: You want the future to rebuild you based on your stuff?
T-Rex: Not stuff! HISTORICAL ARTIFACTS.
T-Rex: All of which point to a particular person. I mean, I'd then like them to invent time travel and send Future Regenerated Me back in time to me so that we can pal around, but one step at a time, you know? I can wait!
T-Rex (punchline): The future's got all the time in the world!
|
626 | panel 4 really raises more questions than it answers | null | Narrator: T-REX STAYS UP FOR 41 HOURS IN THIS COMIC:
T-Rex: Well, I'm perfectly content. Time to mix things up by staying awake for 41 hours!
T-Rex: It's going to be great! This is the best idea ev-
Narrator: HOUR 20:
T-Rex: I'd never want to eat polluted excited pork meat, Dromiceiomimus. I just invented it and I never want to eat it.
Dromiceiomimus: Okay!
T-Rex: Just think about it! "Polluted"? Eww!! And what does "excited" mean when applied to meat? It just raises too many questions.
T-Rex: I wouldn't be able to enjoy it.
Narrator: HOUR 26:
Utahraptor: What's it like being awake for over a day?
T-Rex: Last night I ate lots of pears by mistake.
Narrator: HOUR 34:
T-Rex: What if I'm a new form of dinosaur that can get tired but that doesn't actually require rest? I'd never know until I did something like this!
Utahraptor: I think you're exhausted and can't recognize it.
T-Rex: Are you jealous of my mutant dinosaur powers?
Narrator: HOUR 40: T-REX'S HEART SKIPS A BEAT
T-Rex: Ahh! Oh my God! THAT WAS NOT EXCITING OR ROMANTIC AT ALL!!
T-Rex (punchline): I would have words with the people in charge of aphorisms!
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514 | I LOVE YOU ROAST BEEF | null | T-Rex: I've been thinking about gender roles! Is gender a social construct?
T-Rex: Or, does it refer specifically to the persuasion of one's naughty bits?
Dromiceiomimus: Well T-Rex, it can't be a purely biological construct, because there are people born intersexed!
T-Rex: That is true! Plus, ideas of "masculine" and "feminine" change over time and across cultures. I don't think a purely social OR biological explanation satisfies!
Utahraptor: It's a very tricky question, and one that many people feel strongly about!
T-Rex: Indeed!
Utahraptor: Besides, even if we do assume gender is some mixture of both society and biological self, all that gets us is a murky combination of influences, predisposition and societal feedback that may be impossible to untangle.
T-Rex: Hey, let's try though!
Narrator: AMAZINGLY, T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR SOLVE ALL POSSIBLE ISSUES OF GENDER... BETWEEN PANELS!
T-Rex: You the man, my friend!
Off panel: No, YOU the man!
T-Rex (punchline): Hah hah! How delightfully droll!
|
1,593 | DID YOU KNOW: today i wrote the phrase "one day i pooped to the moon" yet i still do not have a pulitzer prize on my person | null | Narrator: PHRASES THAT MEAN NOTHING COMICS
Narrator: "INSPIRED BY A TRUE STORY"
T-Rex: Anything can be "inspired" by a true story! One day I pooped to the moon.
T-Rex: INSPIRED BY A TRUE STORY??
Narrator: "AWARD-WINNING"
T-Rex: There are awards for everything awarded by everyone, and if you don't specify I'm going to assume you won the "Worse Than Hitler Award For Real Terribleness". Unless it's the Nobel or the Pulitzer I'm really not interested!
Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex, want to try my Pulitzer-prize winning clam chowder?
T-Rex: Yes! See? YES.
T-Rex: THAT'S the sort of dinner experience that gets people's attention. That is the sort of dinner experience you put on your resume!!
T-Rex and Utahraptor: Proudly!!
Narrator: SOON:
T-Rex: This chowder is good, but now I'm uncomfortably remembering how they only give out Pulitzers for books and stuff. No chowders.
Off panel: The story of how delicious this chowder IS is what won the award.
T-Rex (punchline): Of course!!
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1,068 | t-rex is so excited by his own ideas that all he can do is smile. we've all been there, right fellas? | null | T-Rex: I have the best idea for a Batman comic. It's a Batman comic about a Batman who exists in our world, the real world. But he doesn't know he's Batman yet. And his name is Bruce Swain!
[no text]
T-Rex: Get it, Dromiceiomimus? It's clever because it sounds like "Bruce Wayne" but nobody would realize it unless they said it out loud. Everything is similar but different in MY comic!
Dromiceiomimus: Haven't they done that before?
T-Rex: His best friend is Clark Ent! They haven't done THAT before. "Clark Ent."
Utahraptor: So what's your story? You need a story beyond your premise.
T-Rex: Not when the premise is this good, baby!
T-Rex: Okay, fine - THE STORY is that Bruce doesn't know he's Batman but then one day he reads a Batman comic that flutters down from the sky and realizes that he should be the Batman of our universe.
Utahraptor: And then he gets shot by a random criminal!
T-Rex: WHAT? NO. YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO BATMAN.
Floating Batman head: i don't know why people say in real life i would be shot. i wear bullet-proof armour!
T-Rex (punchline): I know, man! I know!!
|
2,403 | THE MAKEOUT EXPRESS GOES ALL THE WAY... TO THE END OF THE LINE, THAT IS, THEN EVERYONE HAS TO GET OFF AND FIND SOMEWHERE ELSE TO BE | null | T-Rex: ALL ABOARD THE MAKEOUT EXPRESS! YOUR TICKET IS MAKEOUTS. PLEASE HAVE YOUR TICKETS READY.
T-Rex: AND YES, I WILL BE CHECKING TICKETS! VERY CAREFULLY. WITH MY FACE
T-Rex: I WILL ALSO BE USING THE SLICK MOISTENED TONGUE INSIDE MY FACE TO CHECK TICKETS, SO HEADS UP ON THAT ONE.
Dromiceiomimus: Dude, you're making the Makeout Express ticket validation procedure sound needlessly gross!
T-Rex: ATTENTION PASSENGERS: MY TONGUE IS NOT ACTUALLY THAT MOIST
Dromiceiomimus: That's not helping!!
Utahraptor: What stops does the makeout express make?
T-Rex: I'M GLAD YOU ASKED!
T-Rex: THE MAKEOUT EXPRESS TAKES ON PASSENGERS AT KISSFACE STATION, ALL UP ONS CIRCLE, AND LIPLOCK LANE.
Utahraptor: I'd actually prefer to be the only "passenger"!
T-Rex: SORRY BUT WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR PROVIDING SERVICE FOR THOUSANDS OF PAYING CUSTOMERS EACH DAY.
T-Rex: WAIT, THAT MEANS SOMEHOW I'VE BECOME... AN INCREDIBLY SUCCESSFUL PROSTITUTE??
T-Rex (punchline): EVERYONE GET OFF THE TRAIN, I GOTTA FIGURE THIS OUT
|
1,576 | after finishing this comic, i found out that mumler actually destroyed all of his negatives shortly before his death, perhaps in a bid to prevent future generations from still having his photos around and, with our modern eyes and greater familiarity with photography, seeing them as the ridiculous, transparent fraud they were! MUMLER TRIED TO PREVENT THIS VERY COMIC FROM HAPPENING, YOU GUYS. THERE IS A CHEEZED OFF GHOST OF MUMLER IN THE ROOM WITH ME RIGHT NOW, AND HE'S - HE'S TOTALLY CHEEZED I BET | null | Narrator: HISTORY'S CHUMPS
T-Rex: History is full of chumps, you guys!!
T-Rex: Today's historical chump is William H. Mumler (born 1832), who was a photographer guy who did portraits! Only he wasn't a very good photographer guy because one time he accidentally double-exposed some film, and the resulting image showed one portrait clearly, but also showed a ghostly image of the other portrait!
Utahraptor: So he threw it away and reminded himself to not make that dumb mistake anymore?
T-Rex: Nope!
T-Rex: Instead he embarked on a career as a SPIRIT PHOTOGRAPHER and made a lot of money duping a lot of people, including Abraham Lincoln's widow. Only, people eventually started to notice that his "ghosts" looked an awful lot like living people around town!
Utahraptor: Hah! Whoops!
T-Rex: They ALSO eventually noticed how he was breaking into their houses so he could look at photographs and figure out what his ghosts were supposed to look like.
T-Rex (punchline): Anyway like everyone else from history he eventually died and now his entire life has been compressed to a short story, the end!
|
987 | the subtitle on the cover of the book exclaims ''inside the ghost... is just more ghosts!!'' and the sub-subtitle goes on to explain that in a fixed space, ''arbitrarily-large terror is now possible.'' | null | T-Rex: Hallowe'en is coming up! Soon! Soonish, anyway. Hallowe'en is coming up in several months. I'm probably going as a pretty pretty princess. Anyway.
T-Rex: I'm writing a Hallowe'en story! A spooky story called "The Haunted Nun Who DIES!"
Dromiceiomimus: She lives in a haunted house, and then she dies?
T-Rex: No no, the ghost haunts her. Like a house? And then she dies and the ghost dies too so it's like, Russian nesting doll ghosts. This happens several times over the course of the narrative, so by the end, there's so many ghosts-within-ghosts that the only possible response is ULTIMATE TERROR.
Utahraptor: I'm not terrified!
T-Rex: Perhaps not yet!
T-Rex: But you're not realizing what I've unlocked here! I'm the first ever to realize that if one ghost is scary, then nested ghosts increase fright LINEARLY while maintaining a fixed surface area! It is the most terror possible per cubic foot!
Utahraptor: I GUESS that's true.
Narrator: THE BOOK'S A HIT! BUT... WHAT TO DO FOR A SEQUEL??
T-Rex: Easy! I've made all the ghosts ghosts of ZOMBIES and WEREWOLVES and VAMPYRES and MUMMIES, and then they all haunt the body of Frankenstein!
T-Rex (punchline): OR IS THAT TOO MUCH TERROR FOR THE PRINTED WORD??
|
1,669 | meanwhile, god is still flexing | null | T-Rex: It's spring soon, Dromiceiomimus! And you know what that means!
T-Rex: BIKE RIDES
T-Rex: Oh man, are we going to RIDE THE HECK OUT OF OUR BIKES shortly?
Dromiceiomimus: We are going to RIDE OUR BIKES TO PIECES as soon as the weather permits, T-Rex!!
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I am so happy that we live in a place and time that will soon permit bike rides!
Utahraptor: With ice cream?
T-Rex: With ice cream!!
T-Rex (punchline): We're going to bike down to the ice cream store and we're going to get ice cream and nobody's ice cream is going to fall into the dirt, I PROMISE. The near future is gonna be great, Utahraptor! Tomorrow's nothing but ice cream on wheels.
Utahraptor: NICE.
Narrator: THE END
|
2,280 | we are 100% in favour of pals, here at dinosaur comics dot pals | null | T-Rex: Here's the 411: we don't need words to speak anymore! We can use NUMBERS!
T-Rex: We can save words for when it's a 911 situation!
Dromiceiomimus: For when it's an emergency situation?
T-Rex: That's correct, Dromiceiomimus! Or should I say, "100%, Dromiceiomimus!"?
Dromiceiomimus: Either is acceptable
Utahraptor: I don't think you can keep this up!
T-Rex: Try me!
Utahraptor: Okay T-Rex: what would you say if... YOUR COMPUTER'S FILE SYSTEM GOT CORRUPTED?
T-Rex: I need 0!
Utahraptor: That's the number for Directory Assistance. Nicely played!
T-Rex: Thank you, thank you.
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: Wait a second: Utahraptor totally set me up for giving a sweet answer with that question!!
T-Rex (punchline): AWWWW, I love pals
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1,674 | i'm new to making threats. how did i do? | null | T-Rex: From now on, when someone calls Dr. Frankenstein's monster "Frankenstein", I will not correct them!
T-Rex: Attention, world! YOU WIN!
T-Rex: After years correcting people, I am finally conceding this ground. While it is ENTIRELY FACTUAL that Mary Shelley never gave the monster a name as part of a grand symbol for the poor creature's lack of identity, I guess that was pretty much her bad. She should've called him "Stitchy Fleshface" or "Bubba Unhugga" because it turns out we're ENTIRELY UNWILLING to have reanimated flesh walking around without sticking a name on it first.
Utahraptor: Well, it is kind of a dickish thing to correct people on!
T-Rex: It's not!
T-Rex: Any REASONABLE person would relish the correction and-
Utahraptor: Any REASONABLE person would recognize "Frankenstein" could easily be shorthand for "the Frankenstein creature", just as "Toyota" stands for "the Toyota Motor Corporation".
T-Rex: Oh snap! Utahraptor, you've not only proven me wrong, but you've proven ALL PAST VERSIONS of me wrong too! YOU HAVE MADE SOME POWERFUL ENEMIES TODAY!
T-Rex (punchline): MOST OF THEM ARE TRAPPED IN THE PAST THOUGH, SO NO WORRIES!
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1,941 | A PART OF OUR HERITAGE | null | Narrator: INCREDIBLE MOMENTS IN HISTORY
Narrator: STARRING T-REX THE DINOSAUR
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you know how scientists are always getting, like, Nobel Prizes in science stuff?
Dromiceiomimus: Sure!
T-Rex: Do you know if you can get that with dance moves too? Because I'm PRETTY SURE I just invented an amazing new dance move!!
Utahraptor: Let's see this move!
T-Rex: Right! I start with my leg raised as so, and then -
T-Rex: Leg down, tail down, head snap, POSE.
Utahraptor: Not bad, not bad!
T-Rex: Hey! Hey, Utahraptor!
T-Rex (punchline): Take a picture, it'll last longer!
Narrator: THIS MARKS THE FIRST AND LAST TIME THE PHRASE "TAKE A PICTURE, IT'LL LAST LONGER" WAS EVER SAID SINCERELY
Narrator: THE END
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743 | decades of advertising AND a catchy theme song | null | God: HEY T-REX HOW COME YOU ALWAYS SLEEP ON YOUR LEFT SIDE
T-Rex: Because it rules?
Narrator: COMICS IN WHICH A GOD SUDDENLY FEELS A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE
God: HA HA
God: UM
God: I GUESS THAT MAKES SENSE
Narrator: THE END
Narrator: COMICS IN WHICH UTAHRAPTOR REPRESENTS THE GEM DIAMOND TRADE
Utahraptor: Hey, T-Rex!
T-Rex: Hello!
Utahraptor: I'm off to construct private prisons in Africa on my own dime, giving me access to cheap forced labour! Then I'll sell the product of this labour at hugely inflated prices, thanks to a near monopoly I've constructed. I'll also use decades of ads to convince the public that this item is absolutely necessary to express true love.
T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] Aren't analogies usually non-literal? He's clearly the gem diamond trade.
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2,240 | YES I KNOW one twin is not always evil, but here's another way to look at this: both twins are not ALWAYS good | null | T-Rex: Isn't it interesting how "maroon" can mean both "left alone" and refer to a dark purpley colour?
T-Rex: THE CORRECT ANSWER HERE IS "YES", OKAY??
T-Rex: The colour sense comes from the French "marron", or "chestnut", whose colour it is supposed to reflect! And the castaway version comes from Spanish "cimarrón", meaning something that is wild or untamed! It's just CRAZY COINCIDENCE that these two separate words ended up being the same in English. We stole the French word and the Spanish word and then smushed 'em together and made them kiss and now they're the same word!!
Utahraptor: Well, they're not REALLY the same word, right?
T-Rex: Sure they are!
Utahraptor: I'd argue they're different words that HAPPEN to have the same surface phonology. Like identical twins! They look and sound the same, but they're different people and one of them is evil. You just can't tell by looking at them!
T-Rex: Oh my goodness you've just given me a great idea for my new autobiography!!
T-Rex (punchline): I mean... "novel"?
|
582 | we could read it together!
also: here's hoping that none of these spoilers are actually true, otherwise i'll have some explaining to do to EVERYONE. | null | T-Rex: Has anyone ever heard of a book series called, oh I don't know... "HARRY POTTER"?!
T-Rex: Dude, because I totally have!
T-Rex: And did YOU know, Dromiceiomimus, that in the most recent book Harry's friend RON WEASLEY ends up asphyxiated on the moon?
Dromiceiomimus: What?
T-Rex: Yes! The moon! There's no air up there so it makes sense that he ends up asphyxiated.
Utahraptor: You're ruining the book for everyone, T-Rex!
T-Rex: No way, Jose!
Utahraptor: Or at least you would be, if your spoilers were at all plausible. Nice try though!
T-Rex: Did you know that during a Quiddich match, it turns out that one of Harry's teachers is a vampire?
Utahraptor: Aw man!
T-Rex: And who could forget the twist ending revealed in the last sentence of the book? "Actually, everyone in this story is a vampire!"?
T-Rex (punchline): Have you read it?
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1,423 | i looked up the phrase "poetry bloetries" to see if it was already there on the internet, but instead i found several people who post their poems on a blog and call it "bloetry". OH MY GOD | null | T-Rex: Okay, so I've been down on poems in the past. I MAY have have been heard to remark "Guys, poetry bloetries." But I've just discovered:
T-Rex: Poems likely predate the written word!
T-Rex: It makes sense when you think about it. Before writing, the only way to keep track of something is to memorize it! And if you're memorizing something in POEM form, then you can automatically incorporate structure to the language: say, rhyming couplets. And that structure gives you something to jog your memory if you forget! The result is that structured narrative poetry can be much easier to remember than just free verse.
Utahraptor: So poems could be among the earliest, most practical forms of communication!
T-Rex: Yes!
T-Rex: And this is why I feel bad! I didn't know that I was making fun of one of the Elder Gods of language! I thought I was making fun of "The smelly dog who pooed / Has spied me in the nude".
Utahraptor: So now more respect for poetry?
T-Rex: I promise it!!
Narrator: THE END
Narrator: BONUS PANEL: THE COMPLETE TEXT OF "THE SMELLY DOG WHO POOED"!
T-Rex: The smelly dog who pooed / Has spied me in the nude / I say to him "Hark! Who goes?"
T-Rex (punchline): I think the smell comes out his nose
|
164 | try to keep up! | null | T-Rex: When you spend your time talking to a T-Rex...
T-Rex: Everyone's a winner!
Narrator: SOON:
T-Rex: Hello, Dromiceiomimus. Would you care to have a little chat, perhaps?
Dromiceiomimus: Gosh, I'm sorry - I was just on my way to the grocery store. Some other time, OK?
T-Rex: Oh, OK.
T-Rex: Well that neither proves nor disproves my theory!
Utahraptor: Which theory?
T-Rex: Today I've been operating under the assumption that when you talk to a T-Rex (such as myself, you understand) - everyone's a winner!
Utahraptor: "A winner"?
Utahraptor: How do you mean?
T-Rex: Like, everybody is better for the experience?
T-Rex: Geez, man!
T-Rex (punchline): It's not that complicated a sentiment!
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1,204 | after discovering the word 'plagiarisms', i'm really not sure why 'plagiarism' should ever be used in the singular anymore. 'timmy! your essay is chock-a-block full... of PLAGIARISMS!!' | null | T-Rex: "Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains - a pretty violent image there! I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it..."
T-Rex: "...maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem!"
Dromiceiomimus: Come on, T-Rex. That's plagiarized. That's a Jerry Seinfeld joke.
T-Rex: I know, I know! But he's a funny guy, right? And I was thinking: maybe if I told his jokes, I could get inside his head and understand how he comes up with them. Act like Seinfeld in order to become Seinfeld, you know?
Dromiceiomimus: I guess?
Utahraptor: This still sounds like an elaborate excuse for plagiarisms!
T-Rex: It's really not meant to be!
T-Rex: INCIDENTALLY, Utahraptor, somebody just gave me a shower radio! Do I really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
Utahraptor: Yeah. It was funny when Seinfeld said it a decade ago!
T-Rex: Come on! It's the exact same joke!!
Narrator: PUBLIC SPEAKING:
T-Rex: Thank you all for listening today. I'm told to always go out on a joke, so here's a classic Seinfeld gag for you: "Newman!"
T-Rex: Wait, no. "Newman."
T-Rex: "NEWMAN."
T-Rex (punchline): Yes. There it is!
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736 | if you are actually in love with t-rex, and also named mark, then panel 6 is the panel for you | null | Narrator: WAYS TO MAKE SOMEONE FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
Narrator: in this instalment: "JUST ASKING"
T-Rex: Can you just ASK someone to fall in love with you?
T-Rex: Perhaps not!
T-Rex: But! If directly asking them doesn't work, what about thousands and thousands of implied requests?
Dromiceiomimus: What do you mean?
T-Rex: What if everything I did was expressly designed to make a certain someone love me?
Utahraptor: That's so manipulative, T-Rex!
T-Rex: It's not manipulative! It's ADORING.
Utahraptor: I don't know - I'm really not comfortable with such intent towards love! It all seems so calculating and shrewd somehow.
T-Rex: It's simply directing my self-development towards an end result I imagine my target would be happy with, as if to say, "how about now?"
T-Rex: Wait, did I say "my target"? I meant my soulmate! My sweetheart. My mark!
T-Rex (punchline): My thesis is that when a guy is like, "am I finally good enough?", chicks totally dig it?
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309 | the utahraptor knows enough to walk away right there | null | T-Rex: Yes, my friends, I would have to confess:
T-Rex: Last night was the best party ever!
T-Rex: Wouldn't you agree, Dromiceiomimus? You seemed to be having a great time at the party last night!
Dromiceiomimus: Yes, it was quite a corker!
T-Rex: A "corker"? What does THAT mean?
Dromiceiomimus: It's old slang! It means something was really good!
Narrator: LATER...
Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex, I left some music at your house!
T-Rex: I know!
T-Rex: I listened to a bit of it: one album was quite the "corker"!
Utahraptor: Glad you liked it!
T-Rex: I did! In fact, I thought ALL the music you brought over were corkers!
Utahraptor: Great!
T-Rex: "Corker" means something is really good!
Off panel: I know!
T-Rex (punchline): Hah hah! Imagine if we were at a vineyard?
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1,761 | feelings CAN be fun | null | T-Rex: If the Titanic had hit the iceberg head-on, damage would have been limited to the comparatively strong bow of the ship, and only a few compartments would have flooded. Some would've been hurt and maybe even killed -
T-Rex: - but the ship would not have sunk!
Dromiceiomimus: Alternatively, Titanic's rudder was mounted behind her middle propeller, which was on a turbine not designed to work in reverse. When the iceberg was spotted and the first officer ordered both the hard-to-port turn and full reverse, this middle propeller simply stopped, greatly hampering the effectiveness of the rudder. Ordering the turn at speed would likely have saved the ship.
T-Rex: An excellent point, Dromiceiomimus!
Utahraptor: The ship could also have been saved with a bomb threat, delaying its maiden voyage!
T-Rex: Yep!
T-Rex: If I'd been there I could've altered orders, I could've modified the ship's route, I could've done one of a hundred thousand things to save the ship and all 1517 aboard her who perished.
Utahraptor: ...Except you weren't there and were born decades after this all took place.
T-Rex: TRUE.
Narrator: LATER:
T-Rex: Attention, self! I don't know why you still feel bad about not preventing the Titanic disaster; you are basically as blameless as it is possible for a dude to be.
T-Rex (punchline): Don't stop though
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1,859 | "alright, alright, no more ice puns. 'water' the problems we're facing, gentlemen??" - CAPTAIN ROBERT SCOTT? | null | Narrator: T-REX, YOU'RE CAPTAIN SCOTT AND YOU'RE BACK IN ANTARCTICA. YOU'RE TRYING TO REACH THE SOUTH POLE.
T-Rex: "Ice" to see you again, Antarctica!!
Narrator: I CAN 100% GUARANTEE SCOTT NEVER SAID THAT.
T-Rex: "Icy" you think Captain Scott didn't make hilarious puns!!
Narrator: RIGHT. SO ON YOUR WAY TO THE SOUTH POLE, YOUR EXPEDITION GETS WORD THAT THIS NORWEGIAN GUY AMUNDSEN HAS A PARALLEL EXPEDITION TO THE SOUTH POLE HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.
T-Rex: I'll beat him!!
Narrator: SPOILER ALERT: HE BEATS YOU BY ALMOST A MONTH.
T-Rex: ...Well, FRIGS AHOY.
T-Rex: Seriously? We go to the south pole at great personal cost and don't even get there first?
Utahraptor: So depressing!
T-Rex: And at the south pole Amundsen left a letter for me, asking that I deliver it to the King of Norway. Apparently he's... the biggest jerk?
Utahraptor: Really, it's insurance in case he doesn't make it back. The march isn't going to be easy!
T-Rex: ...Right. Well, before we go let me write in my diary!
T-Rex: Ahem. "Great God! This is an awful place and terrible enough for us to have laboured to it without the reward of priority. All the daydreams must go; it will be a wearisome return."
T-Rex: "ps: this TOTALLY SUCKS"
T-Rex (punchline): "SO HARD"
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1,424 | "DIRECTION IS A BUCKET THAT PEOPLE KEEP SNEAKING INTO" also accounts for "I'm going to the grocery store; everyone, stay the hell out of my bucket". | null | T-Rex: Conceptual metaphors are those that allow us to understand one idea in terms of another! They inform the language we use when talking about all sorts of concepts, and are almost subconscious.
T-Rex: For example: "LIFE IS A JOURNEY"!
T-Rex: People use this metaphor all the time, all talkin' about "going places in life", "getting a head start in life", "being at a crossroads", and so on. It's so entrenched that to talk about life using another metaphor seems odd! For example, saying "I've saved $3.55 in life" sounds weird, but only because I'm using the much less popular "LIFE IS A DISCOUNT STORE WITH SALES THAT CAN OCCASIONALLY BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF" metaphor.
Utahraptor: Are there other metaphors like this?
T-Rex: Oh, tons!
T-Rex: "Burning with desire" and "warming up to someone"? That's "AFFECTION IS HEAT". "Falling behind" at work before "catching up"? "SCHEDULES ARE MOVING OBJECTS". "You're in my way", "Get out of my way", and, ARGUABLY, "I've lost my way"? That's the classic "DIRECTION IS A BUCKET THAT PEOPLE KEEP SNEAKING INTO".
T-Rex: In conclusion, cognitive linguists love conceptual metaphors because they allow us to describe direction as an intensely desirable giant bucket.
T-Rex (punchline): The end!
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258 | and there's this other great one from two weeks ago where the t-rex totally forgets his line and has to ask for it!! | null | Narrator: HILARIOUS OUTTAKES COMICS
T-Rex: It's been a memorable two weeks indeed!
T-Rex: Do you recall a few days ago, when we had that hilarious conversation?
Dromiceiomimus: I thought I would die laughing!
T-Rex: I - um.
T-Rex: Line?
Narrator: HILAROUS OUTTAKES COMICS II
T-Rex: So what meaning do you see my actions representing?
Utahraptor: The futility of life?
T-Rex: Oh man!
T-Rex: Now I - um...
T-Rex (punchline): Line?
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267 | a quiet portrait of life in the -650000th century (CE) | null | T-Rex: How can I possibly be late for my important meeting AGAIN?
T-Rex: How is this even possible?!
T-Rex: I got up early, I ate breakfast early, I showered early, and yet: I am late! Again! Still!
T-Rex: Why I am always late for my very important meetings?
T-Rex: I do not understand this!
T-Rex: If there were an award for lateness, I would be the winner, two years in a row!
Utahraptor: Hey, T-Rex!
T-Rex: Hello Utahraptor! How are you today?
Utahraptor: I'm fine, fine! But it sounds like maybe you're a little late!
T-Rex: Oh, ha ha! Don't worry about me!
T-Rex (punchline): It's just something I have to take care of, you know?
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2,421 | thankfully science funding is not a problem, and this despite the fact that many professional scientists command multi-million dollar compensation packages and will go on strike if their wage demands aren't met | null | T-Rex: "Our hypothesis states we're better at using wooden sticks to direct the motion of a vulcanized rubber puck across a surface with a friction coefficient of 0.15!" some scientists claim, and then the other scientists reply "NUH UH!!"
Narrator: HOCKEY AS SHE IS PLAYED
T-Rex: Since they're scientists, they decide to run a series of controlled experiments to see which "team" is the best. And to ensure they're held to the highest standards of accuracy, professional independent observers are employed (called "referees" as they may be used as references in the resulting paper) AND the experiments are performed in front of a stadium chock-full of amateur observers too!
T-Rex: Science is really popular so this makes sense.
Utahraptor: Suppose I'd like to observe such an experiment but cannot afford a ticket?
T-Rex: Not a problem!
T-Rex: Demand is high, so scientists have taken the extraordinary step of broadcasting their process live on TV. You can go to bars and watch the experiment unfold with other fans who are rooting for the same hypothesis you are, cheering as the results come in!
Utahraptor: Delightful!
T-Rex: The downside is it's hard to control external variables, so the experiments repeat quite often. But that's good for us, because it just means more science!
T-Rex (punchline): Also the scientists get way ripped from all the science they're doing and that can be PRETTY DISTRACTING, y'all.
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1,672 | this comic originally had dromiceiomimus saying "What if you look in the mirror and see flaws so fundamental that they can't be changed? What if you see nothing but a big pile of flaws?" and then I was like, "man, I don't know the answer to that!! looks like it's time for another PANTS-CENTRIC REWRITE" | null | Narrator: SELF IMPROVEMENT
T-Rex: Sometimes you need to look in the mirror and say "That, my friend, is someone with some friggin' FLAWS."
T-Rex: It sucks, but you have to do it at least sometimes!
T-Rex: Then the next thing you have to do is improve yourself. For example, if you look in the mirror and say "Man, that guy's totally underinformed about world events", then you should follow the news more.
Dromiceiomimus: What are your flaws, T-Rex?
T-Rex: Aha! A trick question! For you see, I ran this exercise JUST THIS MORNING and have thus removed all flaws!
Utahraptor: Okay, what flaws did you remove then?
T-Rex: Two of them, actually!
T-Rex: The first one was that I was TOO HANDSOME, so I just raised my standards some. Now I'm just the right amount of handsome.
Utahraptor: Uh-huh. And the second?
T-Rex (punchline): "Too Many Pants".
[no text]
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1,546 | i know you know it but i just wanted to say it: our friendship is secure regardless of corporeality. | null | T-Rex: Last night I dreamt I had been invited to a fancy party, far away, and the host was nice enough to buy me a plane ticket to get there.
T-Rex: Finally, things were looking up for dream T-Rex!
T-Rex: This was at noon, dream time, and the plane was to leave at six. I made myself a sandwich, but it must've taken a while, because when I looked at the clock, it was 6:30 already! I'd missed my flight AND party entirely, and my friends all chastised me for being so dumb. "Why didn't you leave at least two hours for check in with an international flight?" they said!
Utahraptor: So you dreamed about being cussed out?
T-Rex: Yeah, it was great!
T-Rex: I remember saying "OBVIOUSLY it was a dumb mistake, guys. It'll never happen again; now I know to always leave plenty of time to get to the airport!"
Utahraptor: And when you woke up you remembered that moral!
T-Rex: Exactly!
T-Rex: I'm now learning life lessons WHILE I SLEEP, Utahraptor. I'm pretty sure I've moved on to the next stage of existence. I'm pretty sure when I wake up tomorrow, I'll be a being of PURE ENERGY.
T-Rex (punchline): I'm pretty sure I'll come back and visit though, so no worries!
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838 | in real life truth serum doesn't actually exist!! that and talking dinosaurs is all that separates my comic from the real world | null | T-Rex: They make truth serum, but how come they don't make lie serum?
T-Rex: I could take some, go out, and CAUSE PROBLEMS!
T-Rex: You could even overdose on lie serum and never tell the truth again, UNTIL you got an injection of truth serum to cancel it out.
Dromiceiomimus: I don't think that's how medical science works!
T-Rex: How can you trust a medical science that won't share the amazing secret of LIE SERUM, also known as the "Serum of Lies" and more obliquely as the "Serum of Inducing Distrustfulness In Others"?
Utahraptor: Perhaps it's beautiful that people would invent a truth serum but not a lie serum!
T-Rex: How's that?
Utahraptor: Two ways! It's beautiful that we strive for a way to create truth, but not untruth; the other is a sad beauty in that there's no demand for a lie serum, because our bodies seem to manufacture it themselves.
T-Rex: Anyway! Have some of this "serum" I just invented.
Off panel: It tastes like raspberries!
T-Rex (punchline): NO IT TASTES LIKE DELICIOUS BLUEBERRY
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238 | the symbolism! | null | Narrator: WHAT'S THE CUTEST PHRASE YOU CAN COME UP WITH?
T-Rex: That's easy!
T-Rex: "Happy machine!"
T-Rex: Now granted, it's not the cutest phrase if you just look at it. But if you think about what a happy machine would do - what it would look like, you end up with something that is just SO cute!
T-Rex: A happy machine!
Utahraptor: So - what? It's a machine that is happy? A happy robot?
T-Rex: No!
T-Rex: It's a machine to create happiness. A happy machine!
Utahraptor: That - that IS pretty cute!
Utahraptor: But what happens if the happy machine fails? If it breaks into pieces?
T-Rex (punchline): Oh noo!
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770 | today is the day i break out the shorts | null | T-Rex: Here's something that I, T-Rex the talking dinosaur, have trouble believing in: true love!
Narrator: T-REX AND FRIENDS DISCUSS: TRÜ LÜV
T-Rex: The problem I have is that so many people claim to have found it, but the odds that you'd ever meet that one person AND that they'd be available, willing, and of the right gender and sexual orientation are really pretty small. CONCLUSION: a lot of people must be faking it!
Dromiceiomimus: But "true love" doesn't mean that there's only one person you can have it with!
T-Rex: Debatable! People often talk about finding "the one".
Utahraptor: I think that you're being too strict about this, T-Rex!
T-Rex: How's that?
Utahraptor: You're reading it as if there's one "true" person that "true love" can refer to, meaning that you've got ONE CHANCE for total happiness in the world, and loving anyone else is just settling for second place or worse! I've always seen it as referring to, say, how a wheel can be true, when it spins perfectly and doesn't wobble.
Narrator: TALKING ABOUT LOVE: NOT THE SAME AS ACTUALLY BEING IN LOVE
T-Rex: Hey, since when do you come up with such nice analogies for true love?
Off panel: It has always been my special power!
T-Rex (punchline): Man! LUCKY.
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507 | why would you even do that! | null | T-Rex: Today is an excellent day I think for walking around like I own the place!
T-Rex: Woo! Looks like my day just got filled up!
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, would you say that I'm an excellent dude for walking around like I own the place?
Dromiceiomimus: Actually, my friend, I would disagree! I think there are more productive uses of your time.
T-Rex: I'll let history be the judge of that!
Utahraptor: That's a pretty suspect saying, don't you think?
T-Rex: WHAT
Utahraptor: Seriously! It's predicated on history always being a story of progression, with the future assumed to be a better judge of what's right than the present. I'm not sure that's valid! Plus, I'm certain there's things that have been variously judged to be good and bad at different points in history!
T-Rex: Okay, so what if I said "I think I'll let an assumed future history which agrees with my current position be the judge of THAT!"?
Off panel: Then I'd cancel our bowling plans on Saturday!
T-Rex (punchline): Noooo!
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2,323 | REMEMBER THE NINJA TURTLES CARTOON SHOW? / not the new one, the first one / HERE'S 500 PAGES IN WHICH I WONDER IF IT HOLDS UP | null | Book cover: THE MAN WHO LISTENED TO “LAYLA” ON ENDLESS LOOP FOR A WHOLE YEAR
Book cover: OR, “WHATEVER, I'VE DONE A BUNCH OF OTHER STUFF TOO, BUT THIS IS ALL ANYONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT”
Book cover: BY ME, T-REX
Book cover: MY YEAR OF CALLING EVERYONE I KNOW "BRO"
Book cover: (It Was Awesome)
Book cover: by t-rex
Book cover: HOW TO GET OVER 50,000 FOLLOWERS ON twitter
Book cover: [light grey] is a terrible thing to want to buy a book about, what is WRONG with you, instead let's all read some memoirs about the year I spent eating fast food more often; it was fun but i honestly got pretty fat
Book cover: [with an arrow pointing at T-Rex] by this guy (good at social media)
Book cover: I SAW INSIDE THE WOMEN'S WASHROOM
Book cover: ? there were lots more stalls than i was used to ?
Book cover: [with an arrow pointing at T-Rex] by t-rex
Book cover: [with an arrow pointing at Utahraptor] this is my friend
Book cover: ONE TIME A BIRD LANDED ON MY HAND, LIKE IN CARTOONS
Book cover: Nobody Saw It But I Swear It Happened
Book cover: I'm Serious. You Gotta Believe Me
Book cover: By T-Rex, Credible Dinosaur
Book cover: I WROTE A BUNCH OF BOOKS THAT [large] NOBODY BOUGHT
Book cover: But I'm Still Writing Them Because It's All I Know Anymore
Book cover: By Dr. T-Rex, MD.
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2,271 | sorry if i consider EVENTUALITIES and FOOD more often than MOST | null | T-Rex: Someone cut you off in traffic? Somebody else smells funny? Are you perhaps tired of... EVERYONE ELSE ON THE PLANET??
T-Rex: Don't lie! We all know you're thinking it!!
T-Rex: Well, good news, friend! While we are stuck on this planet for now, you CAN get as far away from everyone else as is possible, thanks to the Oceanic Pole of Inaccessibility! This is the point on the ocean that's furthest away from all land. All around you is water, and the rest of us are far far away. Furthest furthest away, actually! Unless you go to the moon, but the GOVERNMENT doesn't let us do that yet.
Utahraptor: Hey, do you wanna go?
T-Rex: The two of us??
T-Rex: What's the point of getting away from EVERYONE if you bring someone with you?
Utahraptor: Because pals!
T-Rex: Oh, right!
T-Rex: And also because we can eat each other if things don't go as planned!!
Off panel: T-Rex!
T-Rex: What? I THINK ABOUT IT SOMETIMES
T-Rex (punchline): "SORRY"??
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753 | who among us has not upset the ph balance in our own stomachs as some sort of blind fumble towards entertainment? | null | T-Rex: It's time for some embarrassing stories!
Narrator: EMBARRASSING STORIES COMICS
T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, do you have any EMBARRASSING STORIES you feel like sharing??
Dromiceiomimus: None that I feel comfortable telling right now!
T-Rex: Well! I suppose that's fair. I did kind of put you on the spot. Maybe - maybe next time!
T-Rex: And maybe UTAHRAPTOR will have some embarrassing stories!
Utahraptor: Nope! I've got nothing.
T-Rex: MAN! I don't want to be the only dude with an embarrassing past. You must have something!
Utahraptor: One time I got a little lost while driving in a new town.
T-Rex: That is so BARELY embarrassing.
God: T-REX ONE TIME UTAHRAPTOR DRANK TOO MUCH MILK AND WAS UP ALL NIGHT BEING SICK
T-Rex (punchline): I've actually done that too!
God: YOU GUYS
God: YOU OUGHT TO GET TVS OR SOMETHING
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