Non-SpongeBob Dialogue
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D.J.: Not only have you won two front row seats, but you and a friend will go backstage to meet Kelpy G himself. | Me and a friend. Hmm, I wonder who that will be. Can you believe it? We're gonna meet your hero, Kelpy G! |
Squidward: Ah, so nice to be surrounded by such kindred spirits. Female Fan #1: You can say that again. It's a rare treat to mingle with true diehard smooth jazzists. | You said it, lady. I've been a diehard since 10:00 this morning. Who's ready for a Kelpy G concert tonight?! |
Male Fan #1: Was it you who brought the raucous miscreant? Squidward: Me? No. Of course not. No. Squidward: See all you fellow Kelpheads at the show. Female Fan #1: Just keep your friends outbursts under control. | Isn't this so much fun, Squidward? Wow, I love your Kelpy G wig, sir. |
Male Fan #2: What wig? Squidward: Come on, SpongeBob. SpongeBob's obnoxiousness is ostracizing me from all these other fans. Somehow I gotta give him to slip. | Whoa, just look at that lemonade line. |
Squidward: That's it. Hang on, SpongeBob. I need a rest. My throat is parched. I sure wish I knew where one could procure some lemonade. | Yeah. |
Squidward: I said, I wonder where someone could get some lemonade. | Yeah. |
Squidward: It's right behind you SpongeBob! | Oh! Why don't I get one for you? |
Squidward: Oh, no. Dear me. Oh, no. I could not have you wait in that long line, SpongeBob. | It's no problem, Squidward, really, I— |
Squidward: Well, okay, if you insist. | Alright. One lemonade, coming up. |
Squidward: See you after the show, Spongee-G. Squidward: Ah, Turquoise Scallop Sun Dance. I just love this tune. Male Fan #3: Hey hey, a fellow mellow jazz-dazzler. What's happening? Squidward: Just grooving to the soothing waves of the Gentle G. Male Fan #3: I'm picking up what you're laying down. You can groove with us any time. Squidward: Don't mind if I do groove. | Look what I found! |
Squidward: What the…? What? | Guess what? There's a second lemonade stand! Hey, nice tune. Nothing like a little accompaniment meant to bring out the genius of Kelpy's kazoo playing, huh, guys? |
Male Fan #3: Kazoo? Your friend knows absolutely nothing of Kelpy G, man! | Are you friends with Squidward? |
Male Fan #3: Friends? I should think not. We only associate with true jazz-dazzlers. Squidward: But I dazzle. Oh. | Whoo! Kelpy, yeah! Put your hands together, people. |
Squidward: Oh, boy. Female Fan #2: Hey, Sponge! Would you just sit down and shut your mouth? Male Fan #4: Well, thank you for speaking up. Announcer: Hello, all you snazzy jazzlers. Please put your thumbs and forefingers together and give a warm welcome to the pied piper of jazz himself— Kelpy G. Male Fan #5: Bravo! Bravo! It's so exciting! | Wow! |
Squidward: Such immaculate music. It's the very voice of Neptune himself. Patrick: Excuse me, sir, do you have any ketchup? Squidward: No I don't — ketchup? | Patrick, what brought you here? |
Patrick: Two words, SpongeBob— na chos. Squidward: Two words, Patrick— get lost. Patrick: What's that? Squidward: Oh, no, you don't, Patrick. You stay away from my backstage pa— huh? | It's okay, Squidward, you're the biggest Kelpy G fan I know. Please, take my backstage pa— |
Patrick: Tummy want more. | Oh, boy. |
Squidward: I'm going to get those passes back even if I have to rip Patrick in half. What the...? Patrick: I would like two extra cheesy nachos with a side of cheese and two vanilla coral shakes. Actually, make that two cheese coral shakes. And instead of whipped cream on top, I'll take cream cheese on the bottom. That's it for now. Security Fish #1: Get 'im! Male Fan #6: You're so light. Squidward: Hey, come back here with those backstage passes. Crew Member: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Where do you think you're going? Squidward: But our friend just took our— Crew Member: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't care about the whosits or the whatsits. Clear the aisle and go back to your seat. Squidward: Oh, well, at least we still have our seats. Big Squid: You got a problem, tentacle head? Squidward: Yeah, I got a problem. Those are my seats, you numbskull. I'm gonna rant for a while. You're just gonna sit there, aren't ya? You're not gonna move along. We waited long and hard for this— Tonight's ruined. A complete disaster. And I didn't even meet Kelpy G. Patrick: Keep it jazzy, Miles. And thanks for the grub. Squidward: We're in, SpongeBob. Now I'll finally get to meet the incomparable Kelpy G. Milo J. Fingerfish: Hey, this is a private area. Only people with backstage passes can come back here. | Oh, well, you see, sir, we had backstage passes. But my friend ate them with his nachos, then he dove off the stage and got carried away by the audience. |
Milo J. Fingerfish: What are you talking about? I'm Kelpy G's manager. Now read my lips. Squidward: No backstage passes, no entry. Milo J. Fingerfish: And no seeing Kelpy G, got it? Squidward: Oh, please, please, let me see him. Please. Please. Please! Milo J Fingerfish: Get up, man. Have some dignity. Squidward: But, but, but… what if I told you, uh… I'm a clarinet player myself. I call this one, Ninth Movement, A Kaleidoscope of Stars. Wait. Hold for it. | Oh! Oh! |
Crew Member: Right this way, Mr. G. Kelpy G: Another show, another intermission. Crew Member: Your dressing room is right over here, sir. Kelpy G: Hold on a smooth second. Crew Member: Who let those two back here? That sounds horrible. I'll get 'im right out. Kelpy G: No, no. I agree. The clarinet sound abysmal, but that ukulele. Genius. And his clogs. They're just like mine, see? Excuse me, young man. Squidward: Hello, Kelpy. It's great to finally meet— Kelpy G: And what might you be called? | SpongeBob SquarePants. |
Kelpy G: Come, young protege, let us woo the crowd with sounds of heavenly delight. At this time, I'd like to welcome a very special guest to the stage — Mr. SpongeBob SmoothPants. Squidward: This isn't fair. I should be on stage, not SpongeBob. I'm the mega-talent. I'll show you, Kelpy. But I'm a musician! Squidward: Huh? | Hey. Whatcha doing? |
Squidward: I'm busy. | How busy would you say you are on a scale of eight to nine? |
Squidward: Fourteen! | Squidward, I'm no mathematologist, but that sounds like a lot! |
Squidward: It is! | Okay, quick survey. Are you busy busy, or just busy? |
Squidward: What's busy busy? Squidward: No, no, no, no, no! Don't tell me! Don't tell me! Don't tell me anything, don't even tell me what you're doing here! | I found a jump rope! |
Squidward: I said not to tell me! You're ruining my perfect afternoon. I'm spending some quality time with someone who's very important to me. | Oh! Who's the lucky... |
Squidward: Perfectly brown toast points. Sparkling kelp juice. Here's to me! D'oh! That simpering buffoon! Squidward's reflection In glass: You have a great vocabulary. Squidward: I know. Squidward's reflection: Indubitably. Squidward: Go away! Norton: Okay. Squidward: Wait. I thought you were some other idiot. Norton: No. I guess I'm just this idiot. Norton: Why, it's beautiful. Squidward: You are cordially invited to the fanciest and shmansiest artistic event of the season: The opening of Galleria Diphtheria. Oh, I've heard of that! Bikini Bottom's most exclusive fine arts showcase. This invitation guarantees the admittance of Squidward Tentacles-- --Squidward Tentacles... ...'Ploos Oh-nay.' Norton: Ah, it's a plus one. Squidward: Ahh! What are you still doing here? Norton: It's not ploos oh-nay. It says plus one! Squidward: Plus one! Oh, yeah, of course! Plus one! Sure! What's a plus one? Norton: Well, when you get an invitation to a party, sometimes, they put plus one on it to tell you it's okay to bring along a friend. Squidward: Do you have to do it? Norton: Well, no, you could go alone. It's just that everyone will laugh at you 'cause they think you're a friendless loser. Squidward: What? Do you want me to call your supervisor and tell him you're just standing around? Squidward's reflection: You need to find a friend to take as your plus one. | Somebody like me? I like openings. |
Squidward: No, not like you! | Come on, jump rope. I guess it's just you and me. |
Squidward: Let's see here. Friends... Squidward: Friends, friends... Squidward: Hm. Yeah, I wonder if I still have my receipt for this thing. No big deal. Anybody can make a friend by... ...tonight?! Let's see. There must be someone who's a real part of your life, Squidward. Who do you see every single day? Who do you know like the back of your suction cups? Squidward: But, of course! It's so simple. Squidward: SpongeBob, I have something to ask you. | Of course I'll go to the opening with you! |
Squidward: That wasn't the question. Which way did the mailman go? | Oh, he said he had a package for the Widow Duncan. I think he went... |
Norton: And then you just initial there, and we're all set. Squidward: Hey, there you are! Norton: Not in the face! Squidward: What? What are you... Oh! You always were a big kidder, huh? Mailman guy? Norton: Actually, I'm not a kidder. I'm much more of an introvert. Squidward: I love introverts! Why, I'm an introvert! Norton: You are? Squidward: Say, I bet we have a lot in common. Norton: Yeah, I don't know. I'm just a regular guy. But in not being a mailman, I love going to fancy art galleries. Squidward: That's me! Norton: And eating delicious food. Squidward: Oh, delicious food is my favorite kind of food! Especially when that delicious food is something you can... Both: Spread on a toast point! Squidward: Once you've had pointed toast, you just never want any other kind. Norton: Right? And if there's one thing I hate, it's... Squidward: SpongeBob! Norton: Clarinets! Squidward: Yeah, I know it... What? Norton: I mean, what kind of maniac could enjoy the sound of a clarinet? That squeaky, hollow, kind of piercing howl from the very pits of Gehenna. Only a deluded blow-hard with nothing to lose could pick up a clarinet and think Yeah! This is for me! Let me inflict this pain on the world! Am I right, buddy? Heh. Uh. Norton: Buddy? Stupid, stupid, stupid! Why are you so darn opinionated, Norton? All you do with your searing and abnormal honesty is drive everyone away! When's Norton's time? When's Norton's time to shine?! Widow Duncan: Oh, Norton! I've always taken a shine to you. Squidward: Oh, you think you know a guy? Oh, who are you kidding? It's not in the cards for you. I bet not even this old tin can would be my friend. | I'll be your friend. |
Squidward: Who is this? | It's me, SpongeBob. |
Squidward: SpongeBob! | Yes? I'm still here. |
Squidward: I need to ask you something important. | You don't have to ask me three times. |
Squidward: Will you tell Larry I want to talk to him? | Oh. Okey-doke. |
Larry: So, Squidward, what do you wanna talk about? Squidward: Well, it's, uh, kind of hard to put into words. Larry: Oh, I've been there, amigo. Squidward: You have? Larry: Sure. But nothing clears the sawdust out of your brains quicker than a ride on a jet ski. Larry: Ever been on one of these little babies? Squidward: Um, no. The.. they always seemed a little sporty for me. Larry: Well, you only live once. And I just happen to have an extra helmet. Squidward: What the heck? Unnamed fish: Hey! Squidward: We make quite a team! Larry: I'll say! Squidward: You know, earlier today, I met a jerk who said he didn't like clarinet music. Larry: Hey, you know, that's very uncool. What kind of thoughtless ding-dong would knock another man's passion? Squidward: You know, you're alright, Lester. Larry: It's Larry. Squidward: Whatever. The point is, do you want to go with me to a gallery opening tonight? Larry: Well, that's not my kind of thing at all, but... for you, sure. I'll just need to stop by the apartment and make myself a protein shake. Squidward: What?! You don't need that glop! Larry: Oh, I wouldn't call it glop. Protein shake saved my life, bro. Squidward: Oh, come on. It's a fad. You don't wanna be one of those mindless rubes who marches around in a constant haze of stupidity. I love protein shakes. I'm the most gullible rube on the planet. Duh! Duh! Duh! Give me my stupid protein shake. Squidward: I mean... Squidward: So, are we still on for tonight? Sevenish? Squidward: I guess it's just you and me again. Squidward: What are you doing here? | Just playing draggy rope. You wanna play? |
Squidward: No. | You hold on to one end of the rope and you drag it behind you like a sea snake is chasing you, like this. Wanna play? |
Squidward: Just get me out of here! | Will do. |
Squidward: Thanks. | Anything for a friend. |
Squidward: Friend? Squidward: Would you be my plus one? Squidward: Come on, SpongeBob. Perch Perkins: And here comes Squidward Tentacles and what must be either a bizarre piece of performance art or the saddest display of loneliness it has ever been my displeasure to report. One is inclined to suspect the second thing I said. A thing about sadness! Squidward's reflection: You'll always be my plus one! Squidward: Aww! Narrator: Boat Smarts with Mrs. Puff. This driving film is brought to you by: C.O.B.B.U.T.K.S.B.S.P.O.T.R.A.O.O.B.A.T. Citizens Of Bikini Bottom United To Keep SpongeBob SquarePants Off The Road And Out Of Boats All Together. Mrs. Puff: Good day, future motorists. I'm Mrs. Puff, state accredited boating instructor. Today, we'll be discussing the differences between a driver with boat smarts. Squidward: Ripping good day for a spot of driving. Mrs. Puff: And a driver without boat smarts. | Hey, Squidward! Look at what I can do with my feet! |
Mrs. Puff: Let's see some examples, shall we? Tire Pressure. Before you can even think about boating, the boater who uses boat smarts always fills his tires to the appropriate level. While this driver pays no need to boat smarts. Buckling Up. As demonstrated by this driver, he has enough boat smarts to use his seat belt and avoid a serious casualty as a result of a collision. Notice how he comes gently to a stop sign. Now this driver, with no regard for safety. Well, at least he had his seat belt on. Adjusting Your Mirrors. What's our boat smarts boater up to now? You guessed it. He's adjusting his mirror before he begins boating, unlike this degenerate boater. | Ah, perfect. |
Squidward: Hey, use your mirrors, fool! | Mirrors? Oh, that reminds me. I haven't adjusted this one yet. |
Squidward: Ah! Can't see! D'oh! Ow. Mrs. Puff: Finally, and most importantly, a driver with boat smarts always pays attention to his surroundings and avoids distractions. Notice how this driver's eyes are locked firmly on the road. And here we have the epitome of a driver who is carelessly distracting himself from the road and safety. Norma: Jerk! | Hi there! |
Nat: Help! Lunatic driver! | How's it going? |
Fish: I can't feel my hair. My leg! Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob, I mean, a boater without boat smarts shows contempt for his boater brethren and the law. | Lalalalalalalalala! Whee! Hi, Squidward. Hi, Mrs. Puff. Looks like you guys forgot your boat smarts! |
Mrs. Puff: Never mind. | Ooh, this grass feels great between my toes. Hey, Patrick, are you enjoying our early morning nature hike? |
Patrick: It's cutting into my early morning nature nap. | Come on, Patrick. If you want to stay healthy, you have to embrace nature! |
Patrick: Okay! Both: Ooh! | Cool ice cave! |
Patrick: Ohhhhhhh... This whole place is a frozen treat! | No, Patrick! Don't lick the ice, you're gonna get stuck! |
Patrick: Uh. Now he tells me. | Okay, Patrick. Everything is going to be fine. Just don't panic. |
Patrick: I panicked, SpongeBob. | Don't worry! Hot chocolate solves everything. |
Patrick: Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Agh! Spongy Spongy: Uh...? | Okay, Patrick. That's enough nature for you today. |
Spongy Spongy: Oh? Ah. Squeaky, squeaky! Spongy Spongy: Mehh. | See ya later, Patrick. Gary, I'm home! Boy, this backpack got heavy. |
Gary: Meow! Gary: Meow. Spongy Spongy: Ah! | Boy, those nature hikes really put hair on my tongue. |
Spongy Spongy: Agh-agh-agh! Spongy Spongy: Squeaky! Squeaky! Spongy Spongy: No squeaky. | I'm on my way to work, Gary. See ya tonight! |
Gary: Meow? Spongy Spongy: Squeaky! Squeaky! | Ah! Good morning, Squidward! |
Squidward: It was. Agh! | I do relish... making the relish! |
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! SpongeBob! | Yes, Mr. Krabs?! You called me? |
Mr. Krabs: Can you step into the dining room for one moment, son? | Huah! Wha-wha-wha-wha-huah! Front and center, and ready for duty, sir! |
Ivy: That's the man who smashed my mailbox, officer! Mr. Krabs: Well? | No, Mr. Krabs, I'd never do something like that! |
Mr. Krabs: Of course you wouldn't! It's just this loser's word against yours, boy-o. They can't convict you for that. | Phew. |
Evelyn: He ruined my fountain! Cara: Yeah, yeah! That's the guy! Bikini Bottom Police Sergeant: Mr. SquarePants, I'm afraid you're under arrest. | But—but, Mr. Krabs, I didn't do anything. I was framed! It wasn't me! |
Mr. Krabs: Don't worry, boy-o! I'm right behind you! Look alive, Mr. Squidward! I'm gonna visit SpongeBob in the big house. You are manning the grill! Squidward: Ow! Spongy Spongy: Ah? Agh! Squidward: They let you out already? Ugh, you look terrible, SpongeBob! Well, get the food ready. It's almost time for lunch! Spongy Spongy: Food? Spongy Spongy: Agh! Squidward: Well, it's about time! Customers: This is ridiculous! Is this a restaurant or a garage? Spongy Spongy: Huh? Squidward: SpongeBob, what did you do? The patties taste horrible! Everybody hates them! Spongy Spongy: Unh... Squidward: What the— SpongeBob's gone crazy! Run for your lives! Spongy Spongy: Spongy! Spongy! Perch Perkins: This is Perch Perkins live at the Krusty Krab, where we understand that a local fry cook has just gone nuts. Perch Perkins: Ooh! This just in... Ow! Mr. Krabs: Why did you have to go nuts on company time, boy-o? I'm gonna lose so much money. | I didn't go nuts, Mr. Krabs. They must've mistaken me for someone else. I'm innocent! |
Spongy Spongy: Oh? Squeaky, squeaky? Mr. Krabs: Save it for the judge, boy-o. Come clean! Nobody else even looks like you! Mr. Krabs: Except that guy. Spongy Spongy: Squeaky, squeaky! Squeaky, squeaky! Perch Perkins: Local scientists now believe that the rampaging fry cook is actually a prehistoric cave sponge, once thought to be extinct. Officer Rob Johnson: Ah! Get him off! | See? I didn't destroy any property! It was that cave sponge! Aw. He's just lost and scared. He just needs another sponge to talk to. |
Perch Perkins: Shortly thereafter, Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob went to City Hall to confront the wild beast. Mr. Krabs: We did? | Don't worry, officer. I'm a fellow sponge. He'll listen to me. |
Spongy Spongy: Unh? | Ooh? SpongeBob. SpongeBob! |
Spongy Spongy: Unh. Spongy Spongy. | Oof! Now we're getting somewhere! Sooo...can you please go downstairs now and turn yourself in to the police? |
Bikini Bottom Police Sergeant: Hello! | Okay, Spongy Spongy, I respect that. I'll leave you alone. |
Spongy Spongy: Uh. Oh! Squeaky, squeaky! | Oh, you like that, huh? Ah! Spongy Spongy, wait! Wahh! Well, I talked him down. Hooray. Oh, please don't put Spongy Spongy in jail! |
Bikini Bottom Police Sergeant: Nobody's gonna put him in jail son. He just saved the town millions by demolishing City Hall. It was due to come down next week. | Ah! Spongy Spongy is free! |
Spongy Spongy: Spongy Spongy. Spongy Spongy! Perch Perkins: And so, the savage beast finally soothed, life in Bikini Bottom returns to normal...if only for this episode. This is Perch Perkins— Ow! For Bikini Bottom News. Patrick: Where's your best friend now, SpongeBob? | Well, according to this T shirt, it says my best friend is right here. |
Patrick: How about now? | Right by my side. Wow, clothing that announces our feelings for each other. Let's get them, Patrick. |
Shubie: Can I help you boys? | I believe you can. My best friend and I would like to purchase... Patrick, why are you crying? |
Patrick: You...found a new best friend. | Oh, what are you... Wait, no, this isn't what it looks like! Patrick, look out, behind you!! |
Nazz: Excuse me, but does this come in... Patrick: Noooo! You're not my best friend! | We’ve gotta ditch these outfits! They're sending out the wrong signals! We need new outfits to show our best friendiness, Pat. |
Patrick: You mean like those guys? | Yeah, just like those guys. Best friend outfits like these really make a statement. |
Patrick: Look at these guys! | Wow! I like that one. Hey, mister, where did you and your friends get your matching outfits? |
Bill: Oh, no, these aren't my friends. In fact, I hate just about everyone here, but my love for historical battles is so great, I join these losers every year to re-enact the battle of Bikini Bottom. | There was a battle of Bikini Bottom? |
Patrick: Well, duh, SpongeBob. It's only the most significant event in Bikini Bottom history! A long time ago, the town was divided into 2 groups Those who spent all their time washing their hands like softies Nathiel Waters: Clean as a whistle! Patrick: And those who had more important things to do with their time. Colonial Patrick: That looks good to me. Nathiel: That is truly disgusting! Colonial Patrick: Oh, yeah? Nathiel: You can't go around our town touching things with those filthy mitts! Colonial Patrick: Oh, yeah?! Nathiel: Yes! Red Group: Wash your hands! Blue Group: Never! Patrick: And that's how we won our right to wash as we please. Bill: Oh, that's not what happened. | You don't wash your hands, Patrick?! |
Patrick: Never have, never will. | Echhh! |
Patrick: Does that bother you, huh, SpongeBob? They only had one ice cream cone. | That's okay. Thank you, friend. So, anyway, I said... |
Patrick: Oh, wait. You've got something on your tongue. | Really? |
Patrick: Here, I'll get it. | Thank you. Frankly, yes, Patrick, that does bother me. |
Patrick: Well, then I guess we can't be friends. | What are you saying? |
Patrick: Ugh, do I have to spell it out for you? U... R... huh... How do you spell not my friend? | Oh, come on, we can work this out. We'll start a new life, just you, me, and this can of disinfectant spray. Come on in, Patrick. Here, let me take your coat for you. |
Patrick: No, thank you. I happen to like my various smells and germs. | But being clean is so much better. |
Patrick: Well, says you. I like dirty. | Clean! |
Patrick: Dirty! | Clean! |
Harold: Excuse us, but we have a battle to re-enact. | Fine, if that's how it is, then I am joining the other side! |
Patrick: Fine, me too! Harold: Ah, come on! Let's go play somewhere else. | Ha! Got your nose! |
Patrick: Hey, give it back! | Not until you wash your hands! |
Patrick: Oh, yeah? Well I got your eyeballs! | Eww, brain juice! |
Patrick: Do you give up yet? | Sorry, Patrick , but a filthy slob like you is no match for a clean-cut fellow like me. |
Patrick: Your pants are falling down. | Really? |
Patrick: I'll fix it. | Satisfied? |
Patrick: There, you look good now. | You could use a makeover, though. Ugh, look at those feet. |
Patrick: Why, what's wrong with them? | Don't worry, I'll take care of it. |
Patrick: No! Not a pedicure! No, no, not that, anything but tha-- Nail polish?! You sick little monster, face my morning breath! | You, sir, could use some dental hygiene! |
Patrick: Who, me? My teeth are fine, see? | A little toothpaste, and you'll have teeth like mine. You got to brush in little circles! |
Patrick: Minty fresh! Taste pit, evildoer!! | You're a stinky, stinky sea star. I think you could use a shot of...this! |
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