Non-SpongeBob Dialogue
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Sandy: Merry Christmas, SpongeBob! | ♪Santa, Santa, Santa has his jolly little eyes on me.♪ Hi, Mr. Krabs! Are you ready for Christmas? |
Mr. Krabs: Why, Christmas is me favorite time of the year! After all, 'tis the season of gettin'! | Don't you mean the season of giving? |
Mr. Krabs: Exactly! The more you give, the more I get. Plankton: ♪Oh, Santa, Santa, Santa has his eye on me. He's seen everything I've done. Every plot, plan, and scheme. It's just a bit of fun. Santa has his eye on me. Every naughty deed is written in his scroll. So every Christmas morning, I get a stocking full of coal!♪ Karen: Maybe you'd get a real present from Santa if you weren't the biggest jerk in Bikini Bottom. Plankton: I'm way ahead of you, Karen! There is one element in the known universe that can turn even the nicest sap into the biggest jerk they can be! And I, Plankton have discovered it. Behold! Jerktonium! I'll give everyone in Bikini Bottom a present of the most innocent of all holiday goodies. The fruitcake! And each and every slice will be laced with Jerktonium! Once ingested, no one can help becoming the biggest, creepiest, meanest jerk ever! Then Santa will realize that Sheldon J. Plankton isn't so bad after all! And then I'll finally get what I really want for Christmas, the Krabby Patty secret formula! And now for the main ingredient, Jerktonium! Okay, Jerktonium, do your stuff! It's complete! Ha ha! The Jerkmaker 9000 will make doling out tainted fruitcake a breeze! Now, who's gonna be my first victim? | Hey, Plankton! What've you got there? Hey! Is that a fruitcake dispenser? You don't suppose I could have a piece, do ya? |
Plankton: Sure thing, fruitcake! Here you go! Plankton: Hot from the oven and full in lovin'! | Ooh! Ooh! Hot! Hot! Hot! Wow! This is great! |
Plankton: So, how do you feel, kinda cranky? | No. |
Plankton: Sorta surly? | Mm-mm. |
Plankton: Maybe just a little bit jerky? | No. I feel just how this cake tastes! Absolutely delicious! |
Plankton: Hmm... He must have gotten a piece without Jerktonium! Here. Try some more. | Don't mind if I do! |
Plankton: How's your dander? Is it up? | No. How could I possibly be angry when my taste buds are swimming in Christmas cheer? |
Taste Bud: Oh, boy, here comes some more! Yaaaay! Plankton: Grrr! Have some more! Have a whole loaf! Have a baker's dozen! Well? | Well... I think everyone should taste your amazing fruitcake! |
Plankton: You know what? Knock yourself out. Stupid hunk of junk-tonium! My gift to Bikini Bottom. Boy, oh, boy. | Hello, fellow revelers! Would you like a Christmas treat? |
Bill: Why, sure, SpongeBob! Fish 2: Yeah, who doesn't like treats? | Nothing loosens up the old pipes like some fruitcake. Dig in! |
Fish 2: It's like a present for my mouth! | I knew you'd like it. |
Bill: Hey! Did we come here to sing or eat fancy cake? Fish 2: Whoa, calm down, Bill! What do you want to sing? Bill: Well, I want to sing the only Christmas song that matters, and that's “Jingle Bells”. From the top! A one and a two and a – Fish 3: No, hold your holly! We're singing the best Christmas song ever, and that's “Silver Bells”! Bill: Wrong bells, buddy! Fish 2: Hey, I want to sing “Randolph the Red-Nosed Seahorse”! | Great to see people so passionate about the holidays. |
Plankton: What's all the racket? What do you know? The Jerktonium seems to work on these jerks. Very interesting. | Oh boy, a Christmas parade! The perfect occasion to spread some mouthwatering joy. Oh, everyone, try some hot fruitcake today. Eat it all up and you will shout “Hooray!”! |
Bikini Bottomites: Yay! | Everyone can get behind a mouthful of warm sunshine, everyone eat a Christmas time cliché. Everyone can get behind a mouthful of Christmas time, let's all eat some hot fruitcake today! |
Plankton: This just keeps getting better and better. Costumed Santa: Ho ho ho! So, little boy, what would you like for Christmas? Boy: I want a sled and a truck and a bike and a train ... | Hi, Santa! Have some fruitcake. |
Boy: And a water pistol and a helicopter and – and, uh ... Costumed Santa: Well, why don't you get a job and buy all that junk yourself? And while you're at it try brushing your teeth, you little - | Have some fruitcake! |
Driver: Thanks! That's it! I'm outta here! Boy: Whee-ee-ee! Oh, yeah. And I want a trampoline! Plankton: Success! Soon all the Bikini Bottomites will be jerks! Now I just need to figure out what to do about old SpongeBoy. Karen: Once again your master plan is fatally flawed. It seems that SpongeBob's innocent love of the holidays shields his heart from the effects of Jerktonium. SpongeBob Diagram: Dahahaha! That tickles. Plankton: Drat! That square-head's gonna throw my whole naughty to nice curve right off! I guess it's time to introduce Plan B. Hahahahaha! Plan B, meet Karen. Now go, my automated agent of naughtiness, go and destroy SpongeBob's good name! Huh? Oh yeah. ToyBob: I am ready, I am ready, I am ready. Ready to destroy Christmas. Mr. Krabs: What's goin' on out here? Oh, it's just you, SpongeBob. Plankton: Oh, SpongeBob, you've been a bad, bad toy! Patchy: I can't believe we survived that horrifying car accident without a scratch. Ow! Aw, here's the problem. Oh, that's not good. Flat tire, huh? Looks as sad as an empty bag of beef. Brrr! It's cold up here. Why don't you kids at home go make a nice hot cup of cocoa while Potty builds me a fire? Patchy: Hello, kiddies. It's so cold, me eye patch cracked. There hasn't been any food or water or food or food for over 20 minutes. Boy, I could sure go for some buffalo wings right about now. Sounds good. Eh, Potty? With a side of blue cheese dressing. Potty: Squawk! What are you doing? Patchy: I'm sorry, Potty, I don't know what got into me. I'm just so hungry! Potty: It's okay, Patchy, I can't stay mad at you. Patchy: Aww. Patchy: Why are you looking at me like that, bird? What are you doing? | Merry Christmas, fellas! |
Bill: Ah, go stuff a stocking! | Gee. That wasn't very nice. Seasons greetings, Mr. Krabs! |
Mr. Krabs: Will you get some nerve, SpongeBob! This is comin' outta yer salary! | What's that all about? Hey, Patrick! What're you up to? |
Patrick: I think it's pretty obvious, SpongeBob! I'm eating fruitcake and setting a tiger trap for Santa! Now, if you don't mind, I'm kind of busy right now. | Yeesh, okay. Don't have to be a jerk about it. Everybody's on edge today. Must be the holiday jitters. |
Patrick: Nosybody. Yay, it works! Oh. Hello, big, striped shrimp. | Ah, Christmas Eve! When all of Bikini Bottom is filled with good will. |
Johnny: Merry Christmas, Frankie. Frankie: Merry Christmas to you, too, Johnny. | More like bad will! Gosh, if people don't start acting nicer, Santa's going to fly right past Bikini Bottom this Christmas Eve! I'm gonna need some help. Squidward! |
Squidward: I'm not home! | Oh gosh, what do I do now? |
Squidward: Why don't you go bother Sandy? | Good idea, Squidward. I'll have to thank you when you get home. |
Squidward: I said I'm not home! SpongeBob, give me back my door! | Sandy, Sandy! I need your help! It's Christmas Eve and everyone in Bikini Bottom are acting like jerks! You gotta help me find out why. |
Sandy: Why should I help all them jerks? | Because those jerks don't care about Christmas any more, Sandy! It's a problem. |
Sandy: Problem? My only problem is I'm out of fruitcake. Only thing I've got left to eat are boring old nuts. | Oh, the problem isn't the fruitcake! The problem is that everyone, including you, is acting like a jerk! Oh, I'll have to solve this on my own. Whoa! |
Sandy: Dagnabbit, SpongeBob, you got fruitcake in my Christmas magic analyzer! Well, I'll be hornswaggled. My analyzer's found something in the fruitcake! This is terrible! | What is it, Sandy? |
Sandy: The fruitcake is contaminated with Jerktonium! No wonder I've been as ornery as a sidewinder on a hot driveway. Jerktonium is the orneriest element of them all and your fruitcake is full of it. Where'd you get that fruitcake, anyway? | From Plankton, he baked it. |
Sandy: You took food from Plankton and fed it to everyone in town? | Uh-huh. |
Sandy: You're an idiot. | Uh-huh. |
Sandy: No wonder everyone in town is a big old meanie. | Oh! I've eaten tons of that fruitcake! I must be the biggest jerk in town! |
Sandy: Hmm … You don't act jerky. For some reason, it's not affecting you. It must be a combination of your tiny brain and pure heart. You're immune to Jerktonium, SpongeBob, but the rest of us will need an antidote. I'll set the analyzer to calculate the formula. Why, this formula for the antidote don't make no sense at all! | Hmm… That's no formula! It's a song! Sandy, The song is the antidote! |
Fish 6: Oh yeah? Well your fins are fat! | Ahoy, everybody! ♪Bring joy to the world, it's the thing to do, but the world does not revolve around you. Don't be a jerk. It's Christmas! Be nice to babies and animals, old folks, too. 'Cause that's how you'd like them to treat you! Use turn signals. Don't screen my calls. Don't you wreck the house when you deck the halls. Spit your gum where it won't wind up on my shoe. Squeeze toothpaste from the bottom of the tube. Don't be a jerk. It's Christmas! It's Christmas! When others are talking, never interrupt. Don't put people down or leave the toilet seat up. It's the time for families and holly and turkey. 'Tis the season to be jolly, not jerky!♪ |
SpongeBob's Friends and Co.: ♪Jolly, not jerky!♪ | ♪Santa brought nearly every gift on your list. Why whine about the one that he missed? Don't be a jerk, it's Christmas! It's Christmas! Don't be a jerk. It's Christmas!♪ |
Sandy: Congratulations, SpongeBob, your song worked! | And not a moment too soon. Santa should be here any minute. |
Mr. Krabs: You ain't kiddin'. Here he comes now! | Oh, boy! Santa! You made it! |
Santa: Whoa, ho, ho, ho, ho! Cool your jets there, son. I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad tidings. | Oh, no! |
Santa: Oh, yes. It seems you're all on my naughty list this year. | Naughty list?! |
Santa: No buts about it. You've all been a bunch of jerks. | But---! |
Santa: But nothing. Coal for everyone! Except Plankton. SpongeBob, Friends and Co.: Wha-a-at! Santa: I'm just as surprised as you, but compared to the rest of you, he's been a saint. Here you go, Sheldon, I believe this is what you asked for. Mr. Krabs: Me secret formula? How did you get that? Santa: I have my ways. Pearl: Um... Dad? Mr. Krabs: Huh? Get out of me pocket, ya foul goblin! | But- but- but- but- but- but---! But, Santa, you've got it all wrong! |
Santa: On the contrary, SpongeBob, you're the worst of all. There you go, right now—wreaking havoc! Plankton: Uh-oh. ToyBob: I am ready to destroy Christmas. Destroy Santa. | If you want Santa, you gotta get through me! |
Mega ToyBob: Okey-dokey. Santa: Oh, my. | Is that all you got? |
Santa: I'm outta here. You do realize this counts as, naughty. | You put that jolly elf down, you big tin imposter! Hot from the oven, full of lovin'! Hurry up, Santa, hop on! |
Santa: Thanks again for saving my keister. | Oh, it was nothing. |
Santa: You're clearly a very good lad, unlike the owner of that wind-up monstrosity. What have we got there? If found, please return to the Chum Bucket? Plankton?! Plankton: Uh-oh. Mr. Krabs: Hand it over, Sheldon. Don't make it any worse. Santa: O.K., boys, let's give Plankton what he deserves. So long, kiddies! Ho-o-o-o, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! waves goodbye to him] | Hey, has anyone seen Patrick? |
Patrick: Hee hee hee hee. I gotcha! Patchy: Santa's workshop? I'm here, Santa! I'm here! Potty: I'm not going in there. Patchy: Santa! There's only thing I wants for Christmas! And it's to meet me hero, SpongeBob SquarePants. Santa: I think stealing a mail truck definitely counts as naughty. Wouldn't you say, Potty? Potty: I sure would, Santa. Both: Merry Christmas. Sir Urchin: Why you...! Snail Fail: What I do? Sir Urchin: Why you...! Snail Fail: What I do? Sir Urchin: Why you...! Snail Fail: What I do? TV Announcer: Wow! It's the Sir Urchin and Snail Fail show! Patrick: It's cartoon time, SpongeBob! SpongeBob? SpongeBob? SpongeBob? SpongeRobert? | Oh! It's cartoon time! I'll get our Sir Urchin hats. Whoa. |
Patrick: Not so fast, SpongeBob. What's in the secret room? | It's not a secret room, Patrick. It's my library. |
Patrick: W-what's that word mean? | A library is a...playground for your mind. |
Patrick: Let's do it! It's library time! Sir Urchin and Snail Fail: Ow! Ow! Snail Fail: What I do? | Oh, tender, naïve Patrick, it's not that kind of playground. It's a place to read books! See? |
Patrick: Oh, I love books! Book! Book! Book! | Gary, I don't think Patrick knows how to use a book properly. Ow! Behold the books, Patrick. Each one has a story to tell. |
Patrick: Whoa. | Look out! Those books are cliffhangers, stories for the adventurous. |
Patrick: I'll save you! Whoa! | There are logbooks, unabridged books, and books with bridges. |
Patrick: Whoa! | Listen to the soothing sounds of the audiobooks. I can hear the ocean. |
Patrick: Me too! | Cookbooks, for the culinarily curious. |
Patrick: I like the pictures. | Ah, but the pictures are a mere snack! It's the words in the book that really feeds your brain. Let's start you off with an old book. Ah, musty old books smell. Now, read the words, Patrick. |
Patrick: Oh, read the—oh, uh...Once...Upon a... Once upon a... Once upon a what?! | To continue the story, you have to turn the page. |
Patrick: Oh. Time. Once upon a time! That's the most amazing trick I've ever seen! I want to stare at more words! | Then feast your eyes! |
Patrick: Once upon a time... Patrick: Once a— You're too slow! | He likes it! Hey, Patrick! Ooh, Patrick, your head is absorbing all the book knowledge just like a sponge! Go, Patrick! Get those words! Get them good! |
Patrick: Stop reading words! | Wow, what a bookworm! Whoa. |
Patrick: Yes, SpongeBob? | Uh, Patrick, I think that's enough knowledge for one day. Looks like you're full. |
Patrick: Nonsense, dear boy. One can never accumulate too much information. Ahem. | Well, we're fresh out of books. Come on, I'll buy you an ice cream. |
Patrick: Ah, I must confess to feeling more than slightly peckish. | Patrick, I'm so proud of you! Ooh, you're a big brain now! |
Patrick: Oh, skosh too big, it seems, eh, wha'? | Eh, wha what? |
Patrick: Oh, no matter, my plebeian friend. I shall simply exit posthaste, posterior-first. | I got it. |
Patrick: Careful. | Little bit... Wow. You really got your melon jammed in there, didn't you? |
Patrick: Oh, true, SpongeBob. Eh, but we can easily solve this problem on a quantum physics level. Take this down. If we reduce my subatomic particles by way of orbital electromagnetism, we'll create a harmonic oscillation within the molecules, resulting in a wave-function collapse, which will enable my melon, as you so drolly put it, to slip out. | Okay, sure. Let's give it a try. Gary! Speak to me. Oh... Oh, Gary you're back. I'd know that slime anywhere. Slime! That's it! Slime it up, Gar-bear. |
Patrick: Abominable! | Yeah, that Gary grease ought to do it. Okay, Patrick, pull yourself out. Hey. Head Shrinking for Beginners. Hm... Oh, I give up! I'll guess we'll have to live here in the library forever, Gary. |
Patrick: SpongeBob, your typically moronic attempt has given me the solution! Perhaps because I had to smarten up to get stuck... | You'll need to dumb down to get free! |
Patrick: Who's sporting the big brain now, hm? | All right, Patrick! Let's get stupid! Yeah! Electronics. Whew. I hope this works. |
Sir Urchin: Why you...! Snail Fail: What I do? Sir Urchin: Why you...! Snail Fail: What I do? Patrick: I'm sorry, dear boy, but watching this mindless drivel isn't affecting me in the least... | We've got drool! Patrick, it's working! |
Snail Fail: What I do? Patrick: This is insulting my intelligence. And I adore it! Snail Fail: What I do? Sir Urchin: Why you...! Snail Fail: What I do? | We did it, Patrick! The mindless drivel is destroying your knowledge! Whoops. Here, Patrick. You may need this little fella. |
Patrick: Huh? Ah. | Well, Patrick, this is where we came in. Ready for some ice cream? |
Patrick: Boy, am I ever! A book? I love books! A book! A book! | That's right, Patrick. Play nice with the pretty squares. Gary, this is really one for the books, eh? |
Squidward: Stop playing... in my yard! | Oh, we're not playing in your yard, Squidward, we're playing in our yards. We're just using your yard as a walkway. |
Patrick: No offense, but your yard gargles tartar sauce. Squidward: Well, pick one, and leave my yard out of it! Patrick: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! I'm good at choosing! Hmmmm... let's play in... SpongeBob's yard! No! Patrick's! Errrr... SpongeBob! I'm terrible at choosing! Squidward! You choose! Squidward: I choose Patrick... to play in Patrick's yard... and SpongeBob in SpongeBob's yard. And nobody... in here! Patrick: SpongeBob! | Patrick! |
Patrick: SpongeBob! | Patrick! |
Patrick: SpongeBob! | Patrick! The road! Patrick! What are we gonna do? |
Patrick: I'll mail myself to your house! | Sit tight, Patrick! I'm coming to get you! No! |
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob. | Hey, Patrick. Patrick! Call me! |
Patrick: Okay! | SquarePants residence. |
Patrick: What are we gonna do?! | Hmmmm... have we ever dug a tunnel between our two houses? |
Patrick: No. SpongeBob? | Patrick? |
Both: We did it! | Tag! You're it! |
Patrick: Tag! You're it! | Tag! You're it! |
Patrick: Tag! You're it! | Peek-a-boo! I see you! |
Patrick: | You're it! |
Patrick: You're it! Squidward: Must... block... out... noise! Patrick: Knock, knock! | Who's there? |
Patrick: I don't know! Squidward: I thought I told you two to stay off my... yard. Patrick! Patrick, would you shut...? Where is he? SpongeBob. SpongeBob! SpongeBob, I am trying to... sleep? Aha! Hey, Gary. Gary: Meow. Squidward: Where are those two morons? Where are they?! | Ohh... Patrick, check out these roots! |
Patrick: They're dancing! | Do like the roots do, and do the Dirt Dance, baby! |
Patrick: Squidward's house wants to play too! Squidward: My house! | Awww. Squidward's house looks like it has an upset tummy. |
Patrick: Must've been something it ate. | It ate Squidward! |
Patrick: That'll do it. Squidward: I knew you two reprobates were behind this. | Yeah! We're reprobates! |
Squidward: That was an insult. Patrick: And we're insulted! Squidward: Why were you digging under my yard? | You told us not to walk on your yard, so we walked under it. |
Squidward: But you buried my house! Patrick: No need to thank us. Squidward: Thank you?! Patrick: You're welcome. Squidward: Patrick: Missed. | Somebody wants to play Tag! |
Patrick: Tag! You're it! | Not it! |
Squidward: Patrick: Whee! | Squidward wins! |
Squidward: Now, you're gonna play a new game called, Digging Out my House! | Oh boy! |
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