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<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.5 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
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<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 3:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/tobacco/">Tobacco - Cigarettes</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
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<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">140 lb</td>
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So some background. I've done most drugs, it's almost easier to name the once I haven't at least tried once, having had significant experience with marijuana, 'spice', LSD, DMT, oxycodone, heroin, and Adderall. At any rate I used to smoke weed and trip and things were fine, then at some point I transitioned into opiates, long story short, got arrested, went to jail.
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I got out about a month ago, and have struggled since to stay on the 'right' path. I'm 23 years old, no degree, back at my parent's house, no job. I've drank on a few occasions, smoked a pot, and even shot dope a few times, feeling relatively hopeless in the process.
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An old friend from middle school ended up moving like five doors down from me. When I went over to hang out with him, the topic of tripping came up, as when he took out his weed there was a few hits of DMT and molly inside the jar. Asking him if he could connect me with somebody who had it, he gladly put me in contact with a person in Philly called J.
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Now, my cousin T; we've always been close, like brothers. I turned him on to pot back in high school and got him drunk his first time. Altho he does not use drugs to the extent that I do, he does enjoy them. Being an intelligent person, I've always thought that he would benefit from and enjoy tripping. When the subject came up, it turns out that just as I always wanted to trip with him but never wanted to ask because I didn't want to push it on him, he always wanted me to ask because he wanted to try it.
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Yesterday, he picks me up and we drive an hour into Philly to meet this J person. The commute was a hassle. J was very nice, altho talked foreeeever; with that said, I really do respect that she gave ' the talk' about tripping responsibly. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I really do respect that she gave ' the talk' about tripping responsibly.</div></div> Even tho I am a seasoned tripper, knowing that she cares is cool.
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Anyway we get back to my place and T has to go to work, so I hold onto the tabs. Looking at them, I want to just microdose a bit...the logic behind this was to get a feel for the vibe of my current house, which I have never tripped in but did a lot of dope in. Thus I had some background fears that this would create a negative vibe. At a little before 6pm, I eat like 1/3 of a tab, followed by another little tear a few minutes later to total roughly half a hit. J said that these tabs were measured out at 130-140 ug. I've never gotten even an estimate on the potency of hits I've had.
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My mom came home from work at 6 as usual, typically she comes home only for a little bit and then goes to her boyfriend's house leaving me with the house to herself. This was not one of those nights. She made spaghetti as I started coming up.
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Within 30-40 minutes I began to feel a therapeutic expansiveness. With my issues of unemployment, parole, problems with my sister and dad, depression issues, I felt the need to explore these issues and began thinking out loud with my mom present. I have a very close relationship with my mom and do not have the most conventional mindframe to begin with, so this was not entirely unusual to have this level of conversation with her. Tho I struggled to find 'THE' solution to all of life's problems, I found myself able to tackle the smaller things, like how I should call my sister or apply for more jobs tomorrow. Seems mundane, but the way I arrived at it felt nothing short of profound.
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After eating the spaghetti, as 7 oclock (t+1) approached, I decided I'd go for a walk. No matter how many times I trip I always get this sensation as I'm coming up that I can summarize as 'shit, what did I do?' The idea of suddenly tripping balls for the first time in 3 years in front of my mom did not sound very appetizing. Putting on some headphones, I set out on the trail around my neighborhood. And the trip really took off there...
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Listening to the American Beauty album of the Grateful Dead, I set off on my journey and as soon as the song started, the flowers and the trees all began vibrating in that manner of animated psychedelia that I had missed for so long. Spotting a green bug on a tree, I stopped in my tracks to watch this weird creature crawl around. A characteristically goofy grin appeared on my face, one that would not part with more for another 5 hours or so. Passing other people on the trail gave me some anxiety as they approached, but deciding to say hi to them continually made me feel good because these people were not expecting me to say hi and it made me feel like a good neighbor. The geese were hilarious, just in the way they moved.
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Then, I started getting the tremors. One of the more annoying effects of LSD. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I started getting the tremors. One of the more annoying effects of LSD.</div></div> Knowing that they're just a part of the drug allowed me to circumvent focusing on this annoying feature, nonetheless it sparks a certain negativity which I confronted rather than avoided and felt better for facing it. In the past, when I sold a lot of drugs, passing cars always sparked paranoia that these were cops or something, and I did feel this a little bit initially as cars went by but then came to the realization that I'm just not that important to be under surveillance. Not in a a bad way tho. Humbling.
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Trails started kicking in. Not just little afterimages but I mean like rainbowey trails. Things started to look like they were oozing colors. Cooking, frying, it's hard to describe but everything was doing it. The setting sun cast a beautiful color onto the atmosphere, everything glowed in eternal perfection.
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As it started actually getting dark, I realized that I'd have to return home. Checking the clock I found it wasn't even 8pm (t+2) yet, meaning that time distortion had definitely set in. Feeling some anxiety about going home where I knew my mom was, I sat in my backyard for a bit before going. Interacted with her briefly, then took the laptop and a book of MC Escher drawings to my bedroom.
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In my room, I listened to the Wish You Were Here album by Pink Floyd. Here I came to peace with my newish house, where I had done all of my heroin, and been a scumbag in general. It's not the cleanest house but this did not bother me. Rather I stared at the ceiling as fantastic images came to the fore. These types of visuals were not omnipresent, just beneath the surface instead. Rather as I zoned out immersed in music I'd begin to see these kaleidoscopic snakes and shapes appear on the white ceiling. Colors flashed from light to dark, vivid to dull, one end of the hue to another. They didn't shift completely but definitely tried to. The music felt so much deeper than before. When I put on the album I felt it almost cliche to listen to Pink Floyd on acid as I've done this a couple times before but it was soooo right. The MC Escher picture book too was amusing when I'd get tired of the ceiling. Mindblowing stuff.
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When I went out to smoke a cigarette, about three hours had passed since ingestion. It was now dark outside. Barefoot was the best possible way to go about going outside as my toes felt so good in the cool grass, and the clear sky revealed stars that looked like fireworks frozen just before explosion.
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When I went back inside, I went to my sister's room where one of my cats refuses to leave. Sitting on her bed petting the cat I really started peaking. First, my sister left a few days ago for a friend's house partially citing 'my behavior' as the reason she can't live here. This kind of boggled my mind as the incident which set it off was because I slept on the couch and didn't clean up the food I ate the night before. But sitting on her bed I sank into her shoes, into her mind, my little sister, one room over, for three years watching me do heroin and go to rehab and go to jail...I cried, for a long time, realizing that this wasn't about me sleeping on the couch but a point on a continuum of upset and disappointment. I texted her, and was able to reestablish communication. The drive to improve my life for myself and for my family is still strong in me a day later.
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Also, as I stared at the cat, I also lived its life. While I did not specifically think of it as this at the time, I say that I experienced her other eight lives. She was an empress at one point, and another a wise old woman whose wisdom rarely gets spoken anymore let alone passed on. At my old house this cat used to roam around the yard but now refuses to leave my sister's room and just stares out the window. I could practically read her thoughts from her eyes and saw all these perspectives that she used to have.
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Altho acid is innately visual after a certain dose, at this point of the trip, at least to me, the visuals become irrelevant. When it first starts kicking in it's like cool, trails, patterns, etc, but after 3 or 4 hours at the peak, the visuals are old news. They're incredibly awesome, don't get me wrong, but they're there...it's the mental exploration that I'm in it for. Visualizing my problems as if translucent geometric shapes in space, I burst thru them all as I logically overcame a lot of issues. Dark Side of the Moon was awesome, then I ate an apple that was tiiiiight. Best apple ever. And perfect because I was hungry but didn't realize it, as tripping tends to do this.
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Mucus production increases dramatically at least for me during trips <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">Mucus production increases dramatically at least for me during trips</div></div>, so I started getting these globs in the back of my throat. My mom came to talk to me, mid-peak, but I was able to handle that nicely and calmly. She didn't suspect a thing. At this point, t+4 or t+5, the effects begin to dwindle slightly. I'm texting my cousin and a friend in San Diego, and at this point wish I dosed with someone else. Altho in all fairness, I had no idea I'd actually trip I assumed I'd just feel a buzz. The euphoria was something so strong, I had more than enough of it: I wanted to share it. With my friends. With my cousin. With everyone. I remember texting J and saying 'Get as much of this stuff as you can and stockpile it as if there's a nuclear war coming. Then when there is a nuclear war, dose all the survivors so that there's never a nuclear war again.' I get like that when and after tripping sometimes, where suddenly it seems to be the solution to all of the world's problems. Tho not as naive as I was in high school when I thought everyone everywhere should eat acid, I do still hold true the belief that it can change the world for the better when used positively.
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Between the 5th and 6th hour the effects faded rapidly, mentally anyway, to where by hour six I felt essentially back to baseline mentally, with the periodic resurgences in intensity that acid does, in its wave-like manner. The visuals dulled down to between 1/3 to 2/3 of peak intensity at any given time for the rest of the night. Tho as I said, at this point the visuals just kind of happen. Brighter colors, shiftiness of objects, etc. I watched Family Guy until maybe 5am, t+11 hrs, wide awake until out of the blue I fell asleep.
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This experience was overwhelmingly positive for me. I haven't had a spiritual checkup in ages, which is exactly what acid supplies for me. You may take it to get fucked up, and you will get fucked up. When used for the right purposes tho this is a beautiful chemical. I only wish that I was able to share the experience and euphoria with others, at least one other. But soon I will trip with my cousin and do just that. And oh boy, I can't wait to see what a whole tab does!!<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2016</td><td width="90">ExpID: 111044</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 23</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jun 11, 2018</td><td>Views: 1,755</td></tr>
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<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), General (1), Alone (16)</td></tr>
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<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
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<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
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<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">66 kg</td>
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<!-- Start Body -->
An Unexpectedly Engaging First Trip
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I’ll start off by saying that my reasons for initially taking this trip, I think, are important to understanding why it so greatly influenced me. I was fresh out of high school and attending university, and for most of my life felt much like many other disillusioned teens that life was rather empty and depressing, a feeling that I had pushed further to the back of my mind as I left the main source of those feelings at high school. I had always, since a very young age, been fascinated with the idea of entering altered states on substances and had started to dabble with cannabis in my later high school years and, at the time of this story, enjoyed its effects immensely. All that said, my interest in mind altering drugs was purely for entertainment purposes, as I said before I had a rather pessimistic outlook on life and thought that the best I could get out of it was getting some wacky kicks.
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The story begins with me being invited over to a friend’s house while his parents were away to spend a few days smoking pot and hanging out with some of his friends of which only one I was familiar with. We will call the friend that invited me Ab and the other Ba, the others are miscellaneous. Ab and me had wanted to try LSD for some time now, and decided, since Ba knew where to get good quality tabs, to trip on this occasion. I already had reason to be nervous about the whole thing, as in the time spent smoking pot the day before with Ab and Ba’s group of friends who I didn’t know well at all, I, a rather paranoid person in general, thought more and more about how little I fit into this crowd, and how if I was uncomfortable while smoking weed with them then maybe doing a psychedelic would be a bit of a step in the wrong direction. Nevertheless, I was determined to finally experience my childhood aspiration that I thought may never come of seeing what these drugs were all about, and I didn’t want to let this opportunity slip past me.
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Me, Ab and Ba drove and picked up two little multicoloured blotter tabs for me and Ab, while I should have tested mine I trusted Ba’s lengthy record of taking acid, and found the little piece of paper with “WHAT DOES THIS TRIP MEAN?” written in coloured markers inside the baggie with the tabs a comforting sign of Australia’s hippies looking over me.
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We got back in the early evening, and me and Ab took our tabs. Ba had said that they were each around 150 to 175 ug each, which was a notch up from the 100ug I had wanted to dip my toes into, but beggars can’t be choosers.
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My first thought on putting that little bit of paper on my tongue was loud and clear, “I think I may have just made a huge mistake”, and the gravity of the situation hit me all at once. I realized that I was as of this moment, about to slowly be removed from the driver’s seat in an environment where I really wanted my wits about me, and thought that maybe I was about to be in for a rough experience. I think I felt a slight numbness in my mouth but no taste, I sat down and waited for the thing to kick in, and slowly calmed myself chatting and playing Tetris on my phone, I actually relaxed so much that I just about forgot that I still had an acid tab under my tongue.
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After about 15 minutes I swallowed my tab and continued to wait, and after 30 minutes of waiting I started to feel definite changes in my mood. I was getting gigglier, and feeling loose and uncoordinated, almost as if I was getting tipsy, this slowly progressed over about 15 to the point where I think I was slurring my words. Ba called my attention and asked if this looked weird, and stated opening and closing his hand in front of my face quickly, which I laughed at and shrugged him off, not knowing if it did look weird or not. As I looked away from him doing that I noticed a rainbow towel that was hanging up away from the group, while it was still and unnoticed a short while ago, it now looked almost like it was reflective, which was enhanced by the way it seemed to slowly be blowing in a breeze, which I wasn’t sure was real or the effects of the LSD. I decided not to tell anyone and see how this would progress, and knew that things were about to start getting strange.
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Suddenly, I felt like I snapped back to attention, I was sure that time had passed since I was pondering the waving towel, but I couldn’t remember. I felt like I had just been lost in thought for some time, and the moments between the towel and my next lucid memory feel very patchy and muddles around, which is not only how I am remembering it now, but how it felt as it was happening, almost as if I had blacked out repeatedly and was wondering what just happened. The next thing I knew, I was looking at and wondering about something in front of me, but I had a very hard time trying to remember what it was that I was thinking about, or what I was thinking about it. I think I wracked my brain for a short while trying to grab my bearings here, and eventually I pulled myself back into the moment and realized what I was looking at.
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I was sitting in a different spot then what I had noticed earlier, and was placed right in front of a medium sized potted tree. The environment around the tree that I was sitting in for starters, felt lit up, although I had been sitting in a dark covered area before it now looked brightly lit by greenish and orange lights, and the air had a kind of muffled, crawly dreamy texture to it. The tree itself, I couldn’t take my eyes off. Every little curve on all of the leaves spiralled endlessly into themselves, and every leaf spiralled into itself, as did every bunch of leaves, and every clump, and it all came together to make the whole tree look like an infinitely spiralling spiral of spirals, all glowing with bright green and orange and gold. As I looked and thought more at this hallucination in front of me, which completely awestruck me in its vividness, I couldn’t stop thinking that what I was looking at wasn’t just incredible, but impossible. Everywhere and every angle that I looked a this thing I saw a manipulation of space, that even if only mental and imagined, I couldn’t wrap my head around, it didn’t seem with the rules that waking life had over the properties of geometry and space, that something like this could exist <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">it didn’t seem with the rules that waking life had over the properties of geometry and space, that something like this could exist</div></div> in even my wildest dreams. It seemed to me to be defying the laws of existence.
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From this point on in the trip, things accelerated and decelerated in ways, both spatial and temporal, that made the whole trip feel like I was remembering it even as it was happening, punctuated by moments of coming back to reality and suddenly becoming lost again in racing thoughts and hiccups in time. The individual moments that I can remember all existed in a headspace that I quickly came into after seeing the spiral tree, of “I am not ready for this intensity”. This paired with the fact that I was still surrounded by a small group of people, who while I was poor at communicating with before I now found it impossible, as everything they said now sounded like gibberish they spoke minutes before. My friends Ab, also on LSD, and Ba suddenly leaving in a car with another person to pick someone up and leaving me alone, and the way I seemed to be losing my mind, made for a tone of anxiety that I felt could at any moment snap to complete panic.
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Since I was split between the world of people, trying to seem like I was holding it together, and one that was tearing the fabric of that world to shreds, I spent the entirety of the trip getting up from one position to another, either sitting with the group staring ahead, or going and sitting alone in the loungeroom where a tv was playing nature documentaries to try and get a hold of myself. In this repeated action I got a hold of my thoughts long enough to say to myself, “well bud, you’ve done it this time, but we’re well in it now, so since you’ve bought the ticket you may as well take the ride and ride this shit out”, so that’s what I did. I wandering between the group and the lounge for the entire come up and most of the trip because it helped me keep a kind of ‘pace’ to the flow of time and space that was unravelling faster and faster. And in this action with the steel of taking the ride, I held myself together enough to experience the following moments in no particular order because I’m not sure if there was any:
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Important to note, at some point in the trip I had two hits of cannabis from a bong, I had been having intense hallucinations before this but it also kicked things up a notch. I should probably be thankful to smoking the cannabis because it probably helped me get somewhat out of the anxious headspace I had been in very strongly from the start of the trip, and make the later experiences more tolerable even if they were more intense.
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• A person outside became animated entirely in what looked like oil painting, I thought it looked like a trailer I had recently seen of a movie about Vincent van Gogh done in his style of painting in stop motion. The person then started to go through many of Gogh’s styles in his animation, from brilliant bright exaggerated starry night to incredibly detailed and fanning sun flowers.
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• Every surface crawled with moving patterns and motions, and if I looked at any edge of an object for longer than a few moments it started to form tentacle-like fractals, the unceasing visual information overwhelmed me very strongly.
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• Another person looked at me and I saw his eye slowly slither down his face and go in place of his cheek, and another I could see his skeleton flickering in light through his skin. Another, who I think was asleep, I thought was staring at me from the corner of my eye, when I peeked at him I saw that his legs were covered in staring eyeballs.
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• The light outside changed from what looked like flashing green and purple lights that came from nowhere, to brightly lit green and orange similar to what I saw with the spiral tree. Someone turned on multicoloured Christmas lights that flashed above our heads, I found out the next day that the lights were there but they were all solid white.
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• The space outside was dreamy, and sometimes seemed as if we were sitting in a smoke-filled room.
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• I at one point, recalling the hallucination related to Van Gogh, felt like a painter or poet in France in the ranks of Gogh and Toulouse-Lautrec drinking absinth, and looked to Ab who looked like a stoned wizard with a great bushy beard (he had no beard in reality), sat cross legged in a robe with a fire burning behind his head in a smoke-filled room.
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• I looked at Ab another time and saw neon blue lines crossing his head and face like a Rubics cube, as soon as I made the mental connection to a Rubics cube some of his head behind him started to shift in cubes like one, which was rather shocking. I decided it was best not to try and tell him what I was seeing.
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• A pouch of tobacco on a table seemed to be a wriggling mass of insects, and after I heard snippets of people talking about that had been crawling around I looked down to see many cockroaches and bugs scuttling about the ground, I was surprised even as I was seeing this how little it seemed to unnerve me.
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• Since my perception of time was shattered, I at one point thought I had been sitting here for 2 days, and that in those days we at some point had gone to the beach, I don’t know why.
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• A blanket that had printed drawings of elephants on it shifted and swirled, the elephants seeming animated.
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• The tv playing nature shows, I think Planet Earth, at points had many hallucinations going on within it. At one-point ants in their nest seemed to be rapidly mutating and forming rustling masses of feelers. At another particularly intense instance, I saw footage of a cave bat flying in the dark, and the bat was a bright blue neon skeleton that left behind it a barred double-helix neon blue trail, that’s width matched the two points of the bat’s wings as it flew creating the double-helix. At seeing this I had to cover my eyes because of just how overwhelming it seemed to me to process. Later as I was coming down I saw some rock jutting from deep jungle as reflecting shifting melted rainbows in their texture.
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• At a point that I know was earlier on in the trip, I got lost looking at people’s reflections in a glass window, they looked like they were made out of pure yellow electricity, and that there was a whole world of humanoid electric figures going on in the reflection. When I snapped out of staring at this reflective world I felt shaken.
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• I at a point felt like there was a giant roaring monster standing right behind me, that was visualized somehow as the black mass outside of my vision, I saw it mentally as a giant shadow man in a big hat that I’ve heard of in stories, and it somehow represented death and my dark side. I laughed this off because of how normal it was compared to the other space and time dilations that were occurring, and it went away.
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• When I was trying to steel myself, and was being overwhelmed by the intensity of all the visual activity, I covered my eyes and saw a dim purple light being passed over a metallic purple carving of Mayan style, which I thought was strange, and a little unfortunate at the time because I saw that I couldn’t escape the drug.
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• And many, many strange strings of thoughts that went of for hours in single seconds that I can’t remember.
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All of these experiences were fascinating, intense, beautiful, and a little scary, but the real meat of the trip was what I experienced in the changes of perception in the passage of time <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">the real meat of the trip was what I experienced in the changes of perception in the passage of time</div></div>. I checked my phone constantly in the trip to see how much longer I needed to endure, and was made all the more anxious, and fascinated, in what I read the time as each time. Sometimes I would think hours had passed, but it had only been a couple of minutes, and sometimes I thought it had been seconds and suddenly an hour had passed. Sometimes I even thought that time had skipped forwards and backwards, making for this hard to pace recollection of things. This way that I am describing the trip is not only as I remember it, trying to piece together what I can recall, but as it was happening it felt like a slideshow of events jumping back and forth. Sometimes I would link that an experience I was having, as it happened, must have happened before an experience I could recall from earlier, and other mix ups of memory that didn’t make sense. It was mainly this destruction of time that made the trip so hard to endure, but also what would make it so important as I will expand on.
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Space was also distorted, in my walking to and fro positions, I didn’t feel like I was moving but that space was moving around me, my body was very heavy and I felt like only my head was real in a way. This paired with the impossible geometry I saw in the spiral tree, and the complete breakdown of time, all culminated in the climax hallucination/experience of the trip, and made up the meaning that I found in the trip.
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Some point, right at the tail end of the overwhelming ordeal, I was sitting in the group, and trying to follow what people were saying as a way of grounding myself, because I felt that I was nearing breaking point. And while I tried hard to focus on anything that could ground me, I started to suspect that the moment of me trying to focus on the conversation, was looping. As I thought more about whether it was looping, and how I had heard of this looping moments from internet descriptions, the more apparent it became that the moment was looping. The loop itself was becoming faster, and more constricted, and while my thoughts had been caught in it before for I don’t know how long, they were now separate from it. While time was repeating, I was outside of it looking in, and watching it do so, like the loop was playing on a screen in front of me. The repletion was becoming so fast, and so constrained, that it was now just a single nanosecond, looping in a way that was visual, something that I don’t think I can accurately describe. It was as if the loop, the moment in reality, as it repeated, was moving lopsided, and I was being pushed along with it. I was feeling the G-force of it as it moved in this way, to the left and upwards, and I realised that it was moving in a spiral. The moment in reality, was somehow repeating in a spiral motion endlessly, it was like I was in a spiral set of loop-d-loops on a roller-coaster, and I just had to hang on and ride this dragon out.
<br>
<br>
And right where it didn’t seem like it could get any more intense, I felt like I was floating, like gravity was gone. The moment was still moving in a spiral, yet still in one place, in front of me, and I looked around, and saw the next nanoseconds in time, fracturing off as fractal spirals in every direction, I can only compare the ‘place’ that it seemed to be to the 4th dimension scene from Interstellar, but that’s a poor description of just how bizarre it was. Just as my thoughts had been racing and analysing for the whole trip in strings and trains that went nowhere or I couldn’t remember, I was piecing together in my head what it was that I was seeing, or where I was. And I felt, in that moment, that the single moment of time that I had seen repeating, was actually the only moment, that right now is the only moment in time that exists, and that time itself is an illusion, and that space is an illusion in turn that time helps facilitate, and that all these other moments I saw going off into infinity, where every single no matter how miniscule possibility of the future.
<br>
<br>
I don’t know how long this experience went on from beginning to end, it felt like it was both 10 minutes, 10 hours, and all of time together, but at this point of eternity I felt like I was right where I was meant to be, and that I was the only thing there was, and it was just so peaceful. And just as strangely and suddenly as it had come on, this thing just unravelled in front of me back to normal reality, at the exact moment that it had left off from, with the conversation picking up right from the split moment it had started repeating from. I felt like I had just gotten off a rocket going into orbit, so I just got up and went and sat by myself again without trying to explain anything to anyone.
<br>
<br>
After that, the trip died down, and about an hour later at 2 or 3 in the morning I went to sleep and slept like I was half awake. The next morning, feeling like I had just been hit by a train, I got a bus home and went to a local park and sat on a bench in the cold morning for a good hour trying to figure out just what the fuck that was the night before and why it felt like something so important had happened to me. In later conversations with Ab, he said while intense he barely saw or got anything out of the experience.
<br>
<br>
After that trip, to put a long story short, my world view was forever changed by the new perception that time and space, things that I had previously seen as fundamental and permanent staples of existence, were just illusions to put it in a way. I found a new imaginative spark in what was just recreational cannabis use from before the trip, and got heavily into philosophical thought to try and describe what had happened to me, thinking I had just had some kind of experience that no one had had before. I eventually found out about Alan Watts, found that what he was saying was like finding the right peg for the shape, and the story tells itself from there.
<br>
<br>
I haven’t taken psyches since, and while maybe I will at some point in the future in the form of a different substance, I don’t think I really ever need to, they’ve done more for me then I ever bargained for.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2016</td><td width="90">ExpID: 112018</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 18</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jun 21, 2018</td><td>Views: 2,098</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=112018&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=112018&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), First Times (2)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
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</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
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<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
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<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
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<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
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<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">65 kg</td>
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</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
This is my first LSD experience at an age of 20. No psychedelic experience before. The trip lasted 19 hours. The experience was more of a fun time than inspiring so the report will mostly be about the observed effects. I had no tripsitter as I was worried that I would have to entertain that person during my trip but I also prefer to be alone.
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<br>
BACKGROUND:
<br>
This year I decided to try some drugs which, I believed, should be experienced at least once in a lifetime. First one was MDMA which was rather disappointing. The idea of trying psychedelics was already there when I was 17. I decided that I should try salvia maybe if I ever get the chance. This chance never came.
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<br>
Only recently I came to the idea of trying LSD when I randomly landed at a video of someone describing his experience which seemed to be really intense. I believed LSD was a party drug (which it can be) and that it wouldn't be interesting but then I got curious and decided to try some. The main reason for taking it was curiosity and fun.
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<br>
PREPARATION:
<br>
The preparation phase went for 1 - 2 weeks. It consisted of reading countless FAQs, information and experiences. I especially researched the potential negative effects. I ordered some L-theanine before the trip because of its promised calming effects against anxiety. I chose a day for the trip where I had no obligations for the following 2 days. I decided that I should take it in nature and had an idea for a location but didn't visit it before. I had a perfect sleep of 9 hours in the night before the trip. No food was eaten before taking the tab.
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<br>
MINDSET &amp; SETTING:
<br>
I had no big expectation from the trip. I didn't primarily seek enlightenment or life lessons. I am a really introspective person and tend to think alot about life in general. I was also heavily depressed during the last year and I believe I still am but not as bad as before.
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<br>
On the day of the trip I was in a neutral state. I decided not to think about the problems in life and simply enjoy the good weather and nature. I had mixed feelings of excitement but also a little anxiety because it was the first time. I arrived at an empty spot in a park at afternoon and couldn't stay there. I have a phobia of flying insects and there were alot of them. I spent an hour trying to find a new spot without people but also without many insects. I remembered a good spot at a lake in a forest which had no flowers at all meaning no bees or wasps.
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<br>
The lake had some swimmers but I managed to find a comfortable spot with no people and a beautiful view. I sat there for 20 minutes and took the 220ug tab around 1 PM. I held it under my tongue for 10 minutes and swallowed it. The tab tasted like nothing.
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<br>
THE COMEUP:
<br>
I had some anxiety during the first 30 minutes. I was constantly asking myself what will happen now but then I just decided to think about nothing at all and listen to music. After 1 hour I started feeling strange, like my head was becoming really slow and heavy. 30 minutes later I started seeing some visuals. Everything looked like it had a wave effect and the colors started mildly changing every second. I felt great, more euphoric because it simply looked funny and beautiful at the same time. The music became even better. Not long after the visuals became very intense. I noticed my hands shaking intensely. I needed to stare 2 seconds at anything and it would get really strong black outlines. When I looked on my arm it would look like I had black veins because my hair would get strong outlines. What surprised me was that I had no strong hallucinations like seeing something that isn't there.
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<br>
THE PEAK:
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The sad part about the peak is that I actively kept thinking about not going insane. I lost the sense of time and reality, I still saw the wavy, color changing visuals and my phone screen looked like it was melting. I felt like I am the tree which I was leaning against and my field of view widened. Time felt very slow.
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<br>
I started to slightly panic because I still thought about the potential negative effects. I believed that my brain could trick me into thinking that I still sit at the same place but in reality I would already be doing something harmful. It felt like I was entering a fake dimension created by my mind. The trip still felt great but sometimes I would be scared when the music had repetitive parts which made me think that time would repeat itself over and over endlessly. I skipped such music parts to confirm that I wasn't going insane. I also did what I called reality checks where I would look left and right, touch a few objects and check if I was still leaning against a tree.
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<br>
After an hour I was surprised by some swimmers and people who passed by or just wanted to take a swim. I honestly didn't expect to see anyone because it was the worst place to take a swim. My trip became worse because I thought that these people would know I'm tripping but at the same time they were an indicator that everything is still real and happening. I realized that I was not a tree. I had some really weird stare moments and at one moment a person waved at me for no reason and I just waved back. At that point it became all too confusing and I decided to go home.
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<br>
GETTING BACK HOME AND THE REST OF THE TRIP:
<br>
I felt like I was capable of going back home and I had to take public transport. I focused as much as possible on being careful but luckily there was no potentially dangerous traffic. It felt like the train would never arrive though. I didn't feel anxious around people and made it home safely. For 10 hours I would sit on my couch and listen to music. It was the best part of my trip.
<br>
<br>
I felt happy and comfortable. The music was amazing. I liked to imagine some juicy fruits and splashing colors or fresh juice when I listened to a certain type of positive energetic music and I couldn't stop listening to that type. It felt amazing. At the same time the colors would change perfectly to my mood. Seriously I would've wanted to take a screenshot because the colors worked like a perfect photo filter. The wall had interesting patterns. Sometimes I would see cartoon figures, not really with my eye but with my mind.
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<br>
Eating was weird. I had ordered a pizza and only ate half of it. I felt bad afterwards and forced myself to eat it when it was cold already. I kept feeling sorry for my body. I saw the part of the brain responsible for survival instincts as an individual which had to struggle throughout the trip while my other part of the brain would be a childish individual trying to have fun and not knowing the consequences and I kept apologizing to the survival brain.
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<br>
Bathroom visits were also weird. When taking a piss I would see a mild hallucination of a big ocean wave and when looking into the mirror I would see myself as another person sometimes and judge accordingly. My face was slightly changing the shape and my pupils were pulsating. It all wasn't too bad though.
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<br>
I had a few moments during the trip where I would see a figure repetitively every few minutes or think about a word that doesn't exist. I believed that the figure had some kind of meaning and that I would find out later in the trip with a big life lesson. Sadly that wasn't the case.
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<br>
I had a repetitive thought, I kept asking myself: What if this all isn't real? What if I'm still sitting at that lake and it's already night time while my brain creates this illusion of me being in my safe place. It was a scary thought. I asked myself if I would wake up from my trip after death in the fake realm. I refused to believe it and found the thought way too crazy.
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<br>
THE COMEDOWN:
<br>
Around 2am I felt the effects getting weaker. I believed this was the time to go to sleep but I just couldn't. I decided to watch the 5th element movie which was funny as hell. I became heavily frustrated at 4am because I still couldn't sleep. So I just sat there for 4 hours, reading more experiences, trying to fall asleep a few more times, watching videos and thinking about the trip. It was the worst but probably most inspiring part of the trip. At 8am I tried to sleep and managed to fall asleep at 9am for 3 hours. It didn't feel like sleep but I also didn't feel tired after.
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<br>
THE DAY AFTER:
<br>
I felt wonderful, like I had found energy for life again. I relaxed a little bit. I was invited to a party for that day. We had some weed and I wasn't sure if I should take it. I decided to take a few hits and it felt much stronger to the point where I became anxious. I saw some light visuals again. I wasn't drunk at all, only had 2 beers. I left earlier because I was falling asleep at the party.
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<br>
CONCLUSION:
<br>
I must say, I probably had the best feeling of my life during the trip. Even if the comedown was unpleasant it will be an experience I will never forget. Sadly I haven't had many inspiring thoughts and I believe it was because I worried about having a bad trip too much during the peak. I believe that I may have to wait a few years before actually being able to think about life properly during a trip but I sure can't wait for it.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2018</td><td width="90">ExpID: 112021</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 20</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jun 22, 2018</td><td>Views: 1,726</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=112021&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=112021&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Personal Preparation (45), Depression (15), Music Discussion (22), First Times (2), General (1), Public Space (Museum, Park, etc) (53)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
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<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">200 ug</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">194 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
Started ceremonially with a prayer and benediction, 11:16a.
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<br>
Earliest sensation was of things appearing vaguely masked, with an almost plasticine or clay-like quality. According to K (my sitter)'s notes, this happens at about 11:44a. From this point on my memories become less linear. I moved from reading chair to meditation pillow noting clammy feeling of my hands.
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From K's notes: 'Nothing in my life has ever happened before, it could be the real deal.'
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12:08p - Odd physical sensations are beginning to capture my attention, not quite an altered state, but definite onset. I'm aware of carrying - something, an appendage or a growth - working its way up my back from my ankles. It advances with each step I take around the apartment.
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In this time frame perceptual shifts are happening with increasing rapidity. The world is recognizable, but it's altered - as though another, almost identical world is sliding in alongside it. Of course, spacial references like 'alongside' are not quite apropos, but that's as close as I can get to describing it.
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At about 12:25p I said 'This is a beautiful molecule. It's fire (through). It's burning the edges of the forest.' I also report 'This is familiar. I've been here before.'
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This world behind the world has an at-once evolving, complete and decaying quality. The worlds envelope my world, displaying the present moment, of which I am conscious, against a numinous shuffling of all possible permutations and histories.
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Each alternate history touches my reality at the precise moment in its own timeline that I am experiencing in mine. Each of the alternate moments is faintly different, slightly off, not so much that I could ever qualify what it is or was, nor was the distinction's passing ever more than evanescent, such that its contribution to my perception was in the form of an overlay, a suggestion, a constant flux of different nows where all that I could anticipate, or that comported with what I thought was or would be true, was constantly shuffling through other probabilities.
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The edges of particular quanta were as kaleidoscopic event horizons, shimmering with the moment of change and transformation. This is a key characteristic; the stack of phenomena related in time were perceptually shifted to one side and another, above and below, such that I could see them lined up, like cards or dominoes ordered over the horizons of eternity, touching my present in the moment of my perception and then shuffling away.
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Sometime before 1p - From this point forward I lost my sense of linear time, other than as I would check in with K and anchor (in some loose sense) in her present for whatever vague sense of comfort this afforded me.
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'Every breath is the 10,000 fatherings.' As my own present became increasingly unmoored and dilute, perceptions yielded to impressions of the parallel reality or timeline. Things assembled, lived, died and decayed, all in the span of a single breath. I think I was now beginning to get a feeling for what this was going to be about, what was in store on this trip. I could already see that it would not be pleasant, but in touching in with K I could take a measure of faith that the egoic 'I' would not become completely adrift.
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<br>
K, for her part was serenely untroubled by however it was that I was showing up <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">K, for her part was serenely untroubled by however it was that I was showing up</div></div>, which was, to me, momently reassuring, but also troubling in that I was not quite willing to loosen my ego into what lay beyond normal perception. I needed the life line, and K assured me that I was OK, meaning my integrated, a priori sense of my self was intact. In this I know the dissolution of ego was started, but incomplete.
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For its part, the multiverse did not care one way of the other. It was just revealed and was neither welcoming nor barriered. I was free to dip in to the extent I willed.
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What K recorded in this span:
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'Now that I've endowed it with the power, it's asking me if I want to join it.'
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'I've given it the power to ask that question.'
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'It's very... sweet.'
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I must have been seeing K returning already many times, because I said 'You are its emissary in my life.' I now think this may be referring to love.
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'It's very careful with me.' As terrifying and uncertain as the early premonitions were, somewhere I realized that this would all turn out for the best, or at least in some 'evolved' way. I did not feel safe, exactly, but I did feel recognized and understood.
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Also in this vein, 'We would do well to remember that we are held.'
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At my request, K played some Beethoven, the Emperor Concerto. This proved completely overwhelming. I was not hearing the music so much as living inside the crushing sense Beethoven himself must have had when he first received it, as it rained down on him like an assault, demanding that he assemble the notes and chords and relations coming to him into sounds. Each passage pulled at me, dragged me from pleasure into acute pain. Individual notes were forces of condensation, wherein vaporous, unformed and notional plumes crashed together to change state, forming liquid and discharging massive energies as in a thunderhead. It was the sound of the cycles of life, at least on this world and in this reality, where water, strongly bonded hydrogen and oxygen, courses in all directions effecting and marking everything in time.
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At my bidding (possibly while I was on my knees in supplication to the forces revealed in the Emperor, and before the Pathétique could get started), K switched to Brian Eno's Music for Airports. This was no less moving, but less revelatory somehow, and so allowed me more movement in other aspects of the larger experience. Beethoven had been the storm, requiring all my powers of determination to merely stay aboard the vessel. Eno was the becalmed lake, deep and dark, but quietly buoyant.
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During Beethoven, at about 1:15p, I noted to K that the music 'just opens the doors again and again. Always the same motif.' again, suggesting the cycle, the eternal return.
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I also flashed on a father speaking to his little girl about how to listen to the world, about what sounds signal safety that what signal danger. And that she is safe. I think this had to do with K and her father, but I was speaking to K.
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I also passed my own deceased father in this stretch as he shuffled through, alighting in the sense that he could feel music this way as well, that his worldview was 'in this music' and that it had him in its sway.
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I think in this stretch, K and I also settled down around the boy child we never brought into this world. He was with me strongly, and expressive of how when he opted into our world he believed it would be an easy entry, and that he was very surprised when we sent him back. 'Didn't see that coming!' he said. In the shuffling of parallels he emerged less visible to my awareness than he was a felt articulation. What I could sense was that he was fine, and that he did instantiate in many another reality, and that the Great Soul had prospered by his being.
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To the extent I was able I spoke this to K and I know she wept. Although she says she shed but a few tears, I felt a great stampede of sadness and regret for our not meeting our boy in this time, and I could see her in distinct parallel realities inconsolable, completely destroyed by the loss of her child. Even now, I can sense that swelling of remorse in myself. I found and held the card shuffling in underneath the present, the one where I have a 17 year old son today, and he's robust and intelligent and beautiful. I also held the card that lead down the path of really wanting him to come through and losing him, where he opted to instantiate in another reality, rather than the one in which we made the choice.
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This is a regret, a heavy one. I could cry now thinking about it.
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<br>
I have reached 55 years and now know that the path to this time, being what it has been, was made for my reading and forming ideas that I may impart somehow - a legacy (a word in my intentions for this trip). That I did not choose to endow the collected wisdom of my nexus in time/space to a soul of my own devising is a sadness perhaps rooted in the fear that I will not endow anything at all, and therefore not seize upon my knowledge of the built-in flaw in all creation.
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The Great Soul blinked into being and in an instant became aware of all infinite possible realities. All befores, durings and afters having in this instant occurred, the Great Soul disinstantiated and reinstantiated an infinitude of non-discrete 'times' before once, for no reason other than a sense of play, introducing a faint flaw in the solid block of timeless reality, precipitating the slight shaving of difference in the primary reality and propagating the multiverse. Each possible reality is distinguished by the inflection off the primordial flaw, which begets (creates) a new and different reality - another whole universe.
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The flaw is not a mistake, it is the genius of the great, one soul to introduce friction and difference and all the colors and moods, much as the flaw in a diamond refracts light and endows character to what is otherwise simple, undifferentiated carbon. The flaw is the gift of the Great Soul of intelligence to itself, and from the multitude of inflections and refractions among the primary energies emerged difference and all the worlds in unbounded proliferation, with new universes calving from each inspiration. This could be the meaning 'Every breath is the 10,000 fatherings.'
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There is much to think about with regard to quantum superposition here, but that's for another time. Trip space seems like an overcoming of quantum decoherence, allowing a quantum system to be observed directly without the collapse of the wave (superposition) function in to a classical state.
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<br>
Approximately as I was drowning in Beethoven I must have entered what Hofmann referred to in his bicycle trip report as the 'crisis' phase. Nothing in the middle reaches of my trip has clear position relative to anything else. There is no anchor. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">Nothing in the middle reaches of my trip has clear position relative to anything else. There is no anchor.</div></div> I was at once terrorized by the cascading of all realities into one, with its great hordes of monstrous apparitions and loss, while being compelled in equal measure by the poignancy of my awareness of the same. A profound feeling of disembodiment was constant here, such that any sensation that erupted in my actual body occurred to me almost as an obliterating force. All ideas hung suspended in a vast, amorphous protoplasmic medium, never forming as more than kitsch or ugly half-made ephemera. Nothing could move. I was not me, but was an idea of me bogged in a wasteland of disconnection and dissipation. I now see that my struggle here was my attachment to individuated ego and a belief that I should be able to get ahold of myself - a self, any self. There was none. Just an artless, friction-free zone of ooze and corrupted ideation. I felt the press of non-existence, of oblivion, collapsing in from all sides, but not with rancor or hostility. The feeling was 'This is how it is. This is the start and the end. I have to lose existence to have existence.' Maybe I let go, maybe not, but the moment itself was profoundly confrontational and I think as I'm writing this that, much as with existence itself, the ego has to have its useful frictions. If that's the case, maybe in being let go it is made again anew - new in the sense that it is recognizably itself, but evolved for having emerged through the flaw.
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In this state of despair I felt all the losses I have to look forward to, because I know them already. I've experienced them all before, as I will again.
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Most poignant was my constant return to K as the touchstone. I watched and mourned as she came to me a young woman, growing, changing, withering and dying eternally. Even as she would decay in death, she would speak to me as her flesh and bones faded to dust. She would disappear and then in the next instant return as she was. I noted to her that I could see each wrinkle forming, know where all of them would be and always were, where each cell of her being would pass into another state. My soul wept each time, with every return. I spoke to her of the great sadness, that all awareness included loss, but that all returns as the next card shuffling in and out, the next reality in which all life and death is played out, down through eternity, but all at the same time, in parallel, all cards touching the same instant out of time and in connection.
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The connection through K, the connection of love, is the portal to all realities. It is in the specter of loss that we bend toward the devised and ingenious flaw and thereby make the new reality. It is through love that we create and assume the mantle of the Great Soul of which we are the insight and the reward. It is my great soul's perception that always sensed the flaw and knows I had the playfulness to make myself intelligent so that I could parse the multitude and evolve.
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The flaw also entails oblivion. Each subtle change among parallel realities and their endless propagation means every return and every moment evolves. As I saw it, creation develops a list and eventually capsizes. This is no more or less than the oscillation of time and space from Big Bang to collapse. The universe came and went an infinitude of instances out of time before the Great Soul playfully tossed in the flaw by which to disport in time and space. Bang, the extensional universe I know and all of the others in their parallel multitude were born and born again.
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In the moment of our parting, in death, we realize the access to any and all of the parallels in which we will be reinstantiated. The life in that new time and space we have will be substantially similar to the one from which we last parted, but for the flaw. The flaw is a universal flaw, it is manifest in all perception and awareness of it occurs to us as beauty. Beauty, because we are transfixed by it, and the ground of our unreasoning seduction is a latent knowledge of having passed this way innumerable times. We sense that the moment of beauty's perceiving is the gateway to all other realities, or at least the intimation of them. The quality of the conscious experience of beauty is similar if not identical, no matter its quanta, so it's fair to suppose that what underlies our perception is something common to each discrete experience of beauty. Love and beauty are the signifiers of eternity and our movement through it.
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Love and beauty also signify loss. That we will loose this world and all others eventually. Sadness and mourning attend us all our days, yet without them we would not have any bearing on the shuffling of all possible realities that are in play or ever will be in play.
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<br>
I noted to K that 'We are death. Death is us with our eyes on each other.' That we are love is also to be loss. Love and beauty are the portals through to the multitude that death ultimately facilitates whether we've realized in life the enfolded and holographic nature of all reality or not.
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The last bit that K noted I'd noted while I was coming back from my journey is: 'At any point in time you can reach for another deck and pull other cards. You can play another hand because all the possibilities are available to us all the time.' Love, beauty and death are the portals through which we pick inflections into new realities.
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Postscript: my provider's gear is much more potent than my reading led me to expect, and 200µg may have been a bit intense for a first experience. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">200µg may have been a bit intense for a first experience. </div></div>Micro-dosing in no way prepared me for what was in store, no more than feeling pond ripples would prepare me to surf Escondido. Even so, it was what the medicine negotiated with me, and the experience was not merely survived, but fully embraced. For the sake of comparison, if nothing else, next time I'll work at 150µg.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2017</td><td width="90">ExpID: 111915</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 55</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jul 29, 2018</td><td>Views: 1,973</td></tr>
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Music Discussion (22), Guides / Sitters (39), First Times (2), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
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<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
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<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
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<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 3:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
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<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
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<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">130 lb</td>
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<!-- Start Body -->
Nearing the end of a sunny late spring day in the Pacific Northwest, I decided 'now is the right time'. I had been doing research on LSD off an on for the past decade, determined to someday try it, but only when the time was right. While I have experience with a handful of drugs, I am by no means a stoner. I hardly even drink. I'm not against it I just prefer to do things in moderation and under relatively specific circumstances. I had acquired a couple tabs from a trusted friend 2 months earlier, and was just waiting for the opportune moment. This was it.
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I had previously asked my friend D to tripsit me when the time came. He was available and down to hang out with me all night, so he came over. I was actually house sitting at the time, in a really nice, big house owned by a retired University professor. It was filled with many types of houseplants, exotic art, and also contained (when he felt like being inside) a very talkative and extremely large cat. I felt like it was just the perfect setting to trip.
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I took my first tab as soon as D told me he was leaving his house (he lived about 10 minutes away) and started to keep a journal. I set a bunch of alarms on my phone, one every 30 minutes for 10 hours, to remind me to take note of what I was experiencing. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I set a bunch of alarms on my phone, one every 30 minutes for 10 hours, to remind me to take note of what I was experiencing.</div></div> This trip report will consist of my typed up journal entries, transcribed voice recordings that I made, and some things I wrote immediately after coming down, along with some further reflections and other details that may explain things, give context, or other wise be of interest.
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T: 0hr
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This tastes odd. It takes longer to dissolve than I had expected. I feel like an idiot for eating paper. I make a pitcher of pink lemonade, and repeatedly almost choke.
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T: 0hr30m
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I feel a little light. I'm probably imagining it. I'm drinking some lemonade. I should probably turn off the answering machine beeping before it drives me mad.
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T: 0hr:44m
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Not imagining it. Real. I like it.
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T: 1hr
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I failed to skip a line [in the notebook, as I have previously between entries], FUCK! It'll be okay. I feel soooooo good! Like happy! And tickled! I just want to flex all my muscles until they POP. Oh, my handwriting sucks. I hope I can effectively keep this journal [for the duration of the trip]. Pink lemonade was a risky choice. Ugh. Mucus. Oh, so we're in past tense now? Or were. I've always been shit at that.
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T: 1hr15m
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OK I just feel like saying something. I'm really enjoying silence right now. I'm a very visual person, and I'm not like, hallucinating or anything. I just feel like my visual input is really important. It's like 90% of what I care about.
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T: 1hr30m
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Oh, just kidding, I'm hallucinating as fuck. It's beautiful! I can't stop smiling. How bad is my writing? I'm under drops of water. I feel like its physically happening to my eyeball.
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T: 2hr
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I already hate the fact that I need to write and can't just instantly communicate. Focusing on writing intensifies visual hallucinations. So much vibrating and squirming but its so pleasant. I find it odd that it's pleasant as if I should be repulsed. I'm giggling at my writing. It's very poor.
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T: 2hr30m
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I have to focusintenselytowriteanditsveryunpleasantsoI'mgoingto stop I JUST
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FOCUS
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VERY IMPORTANT the beautiful sunset more colors than I thought were possible I had never felt so HAPPY I'm going back.
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T: 3hr
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Just took the 2nd tab. I feel intensely compelled to document, but not in a medium I can understand. I'm sorry!! I'm worried I won't remember. How about 'yellow'?
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At this point I was feeling quite loopy and wanted to lie down. I told D that I was going to go chill in bed with some blankets for a bit because I just needed to. In between writing my journal entries, my interactions with D were fairly limited. When he showed up he proclaimed 'I just took a shitload of shrooms before I left.' Since we had previously (on a different day) agreed that he would be sober while I tripped, I was disappointed in him and slightly concerned. Ultimately, we got really giggly about nothing in particular and each wandered around the house looking at things, and I mostly forgot about it.
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He seemed content with hanging out in the living room so I went and snuggled into the bed. I probably laid down in the bed for about 2 hours, I was very relaxed and slightly overstimulated by all the visuals which were increasing in intensity every passing moment. I really did not want to move. I decided to continue my documentation of my trip via voice memos on my phone. I have transcribed them here.
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Important note: The AJ that I refer to is my boyfriend. I have to provide a little backstory here about why so much of this trip became centered around him. At the time of this trip, we had been seeing each other for about 5 months. He was in college in a different city a couple hours away, so we saw each other about every other weekend. Things had gotten really serious a couple months earlier when I casually mentioned that I was going up to [city] to buy LSD from a friend. This led to an all night conversation (via text) during which he expressed extreme distrust of the drug, and did not want me to use it. I tried to explain that it was very low risk and was important to me. I know that he had dated a drug addict before and was sensitive about these things. Ultimately the conversation led to me saying I would gladly delay my taking it if it made him uncomfortable, that I placed a greater importance on our relationship, and we told each other that it was love for the first time that night.
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Eventually AJ said he had loosened up his feelings about it, that he trusted me much more than anyone else he knew in his life who he associated with drug use, and I took that as more or less a go ahead, but I certainly wasn't going to be in his face about it. It was ALWAYS meant to be a personal journey for me. I had decided on this occasion that I would tell him after I had done it, so that he wouldn't worry about me from afar, nor would I worry about him worrying about me.
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Our relationship was (and is still) one of immense passion and I have always had very strong feelings about him. I did not want to lose him but I also very much wanted this for myself.
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Well..on to the recordings. The headings above the recordings are the filenames as they were in my phone, some of them were changed.
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Recording 1
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I’ve been making it a goal to document my experiences, on the half hour, every half hour, at the very least. I am free to do it more frequently should the urge arise. [sighing and giggling noises] Hang on.
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Recording 2
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Ok. I am having a hard time talking into this because I just want to laugh. The reason that I’m making this recording is that i don’t think I’m going to be able to write. Every time I try to focus on writing, the visual hallucinations get really intense, and its really hard to….[giggling]…I don’t want to sound like a crazy person.
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Recording 3
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Its fair to say that I am definitely going to sound a little bit like a crazy person. [sigh] Part of the issue is that I’m trying to be kinda restrained. I’d like to not feel that way, but I’m not alone in the house…so I can’t be free. Not truly.
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Recording 4
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I have decided, firmly, that: Fuck Cats.
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Recording 5
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[giggling] Jesus Christ, um, ok. [way more giggling] I am now on recording number 5. And I swear I am sticking to the original plan [uncontrollable laughter] of why I am fucking making this recording. Oh my god. [laughing] Nope! Not happening.
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Recording 6
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This is a very serious subject matter. It’s greatly profound, and it’s of grave importance that I communicate this clearly, eloquently, and with proper levity.
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Recording 7
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Except I keep trying and giggling and stuff so yeah, clearly this is just the pinnacle of human existence.
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Recording 8
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AJ, I forgot to use your name in all the other recordings, cause…the underlying feeling is I’m not telepathic, and that’s really frustrating. Like I feel like I should just be able to instantly impart emotion and sensation into somebody else, and that was what I wanted to do. Why I started making these recordings and then I started getting giggly cause its supposed to be serious. I just wanted you to know that I was having what I perceived to be a profound experience, and I was thinking about you, and like that experiencing it without you is kind of a deficit in my experience. But that’s ok. It was just like the realization that you couldn’t just feel what I felt, filled me with a real sadness. i’m just experiencing emotions like purely. [laughs] It’s definitely extremely pleasant. I’m actually just trying to stay really calm right now so that I can talk. Probably a lot of what I’m saying sounds completely insane. I just realized that. I don’t really know when I’m speaking out loud versus when I’m just thinking. This like line between consciousness….that part all makes sense. It’s all very blurred. Like I get why that’s always brought up. It’s just like you feel like you should be able to know and feel everything at the same time, and you kind of do, and it’s really awesome. Hey this recording went like a full fucking ten times longer than all the other ones. Good job, go me, I’m gonna stop it now.
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The Most Important One (allegedly)
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Holy fuck, okay. Hopefully I remember to rename this accordingly. Just, disregard all the other ones. This is what’s important. I was having a profound experience, or what I thought was one, whatever, doesn’t matter. And I missed you during it. That’s the sweetest thing that I can give you. Also I’ve been talking about this for fully a half hour now, fuck.
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((SIDE NOTE: The 'profound experience' I am referring to here was essentially me watching a particularly beautiful sunset. I'm sure that sober it would have been quite spectacular, one of those really dramatic sunsets with sweeping clouds and varying shades of purple, orange, and magenta. I was experiencing some distinct time dilation, as I know logically a sunset only lasts a matter of minutes, but it felt like hours that I was staring at the sky in pure awe. I have never seen Aurora Borealis in person, but the way the clouds shimmered and waved reminded me of it. The entire time I was watching this I felt utter joy, the likes of which I cannot remember experiencing before.))
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Recording 9
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Ok, I’m letting myself off the hook for abandoning the document stuff every half hour thing. Mostly because I am documenting it, just in a different way. But I also just have to accept that if I want to enjoy myself I can’t force myself to write. It just…its….unpleasant. So, I do want to document whats happening, so that I can remember, and for I dunno, informational purposes I guess. I just have to do it in ways that feel natural, I guess.
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Recording 10
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What could be more natural than curled up in bed with an iPhone. I can’t imagine anything. It’s beautiful [laughs]
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Self Awareness
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This is cliche as fuck. I think I’m gonna title this one “self awareness” and…it’s not funny.
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Recording 11
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Oh I keep being super not scientific about this. Like the whole reason why I wanna document things…I just keep ignoring the things that I would want to write down, like what the actual visual effects are, and what I’m avoiding when I’m not writing. All the colors. Just, every color. Especially the like, uh, the acid ones. [laughs] derp. You know the neon, whatever. All that. Is just happening. But when I focus really hard, like on writing for example, cause like right now I’m just letting my eyes do whatever the fuck they want. Which is…I don’t even wanna know…what it’ll look like. Just, its all over the place. Ohhhh no….the creature is up. It’s fine. He just goes…..you know…nature is calling…I can assume [crashing noises] Fucking christ, some things never change. Ok. The colors. That’s what I’m avoiding. It sounds really nice. That’s the thing…all the physical sensations, all the visual sensations, are things that should not be pleasant but are. Thats the crazy thing. And the only thing that’s unpleasant is resisting it. Let the vibrations happen and it just feels really good. But like you try to hold still so you can sense them, and everything starts to go all like, putrid, and the colors, instead of being this like harmonious rainbow fractal awesomeness is like bruises and sickness and like vomit. It’s really gross and you want it to just not be happening anymore and it’s super easy to make it not be happening anymore. All you have to do is relax and stop resisting. Time is a little bit different, which is what I expected, which is why I set alarms for myself so that I could document properly. I’m just a step ahead of myself the whole time. Anyways, feels like it’s been like 3 hours and it’s been 3 minutes and that’s just the nature of this, I suppose. I’ll stop.
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Recording 12
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This is a….mad props to myself for my restraint and not sending these.
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((SIDE NOTE: I wanted very desperately to share with my boyfriend, as I was feeling a profound amount of love for him, but it was the middle of the night and he had class in the morning, and in the back of my mind I was worried he would become upset and not understand if I told him that I was tripping.))
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Recording 13
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Oh god! Not sending them until some time that I will send them, and that I’ll just have arbitrarily decided is the OK time, so that I can continue to congratulate myself. Ohhhh I get it, this is fun, this is a fun game. I’m really sad that you’re not doing this game with me.
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((This made complete sense to me at the time, and I do know what I was driving at. Basically I was becoming increasingly aware of myself, my attitudes towards myself, and the way I justify my behavior. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">Basically I was becoming increasingly aware of myself, my attitudes towards myself, and the way I justify my behavior.</div></div> I was pleased with the objective level of insight I was feeling.))
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Recording 14
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This is me being sad again at my failure to commit to writing in the notebook. I wanted to have that artifact. And now I’m not gonna have that artifact. I’m just gonna have like, part of one. That annoys me.
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Recording 15
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This is also important. I feel like I am just completely objectively evaluating everything. Like I…ff…I’m just going off an an—whoooo, I dunno what that’s gonna look like in the finished recording, but I just got like my….it’s 11 o clock alarm, in the middle of trying to say a sentence, and uh, yeah. I have no fucking idea what I was talking about. Probably something super important and you know about consciousness and all that bullshit—ooh spiders!
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Recording 16
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Yeah I keep thinking I’m seeing spiders like really creepy big daddy long leg ones, and they’re trying to cuddle me, [laughs] and its great. I want them to cuddle me.
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Recording 17
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I still don’t have fucking wifi on this phone right now. I’m using….data…in the middle of I’m laying in bed. Comfortably, I could fall asleep at any time, just happily with my phone trying to internet, as kids do….just not on wifi. [laughing] why does this enrage me so much?
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I went to excruciating effort to rename this
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D’s in the living room, and I don’t know who he’s talking to, and I really really wanna know, but I also really don’t wanna get up or care about anything other than how comfy I am.
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Recording 18
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I really like the liquid part. The part where I feel like I’m just…in liquid. That is very appealing. I just wish I was more warm. I’m gonna complain about being cold constantly. And the way my glasses feel on my head. No, those things aren’t worth complaining about actually, those things are fine.
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Recording 19
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I’m gonna take a break from making the recordings for a while. I realized that I’m safe from having to display them, cause, I’m in the other room of my laptop. And thats where I recorded the initial greeting, the introduction, so to speak. And uh, I just could not in good….good conscience, introduce something so poorly. There is already an introduction. I will leave it until I can comfortably access it. So…all of these recordings will follow that. I’m gonna just try to get warm now. I feel like this sounds really way more sad than it is. It should not sound sad cause I’m smiling and I’ve been smiling the whole time.
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((Right after taking the first tab I recorded a video, about a minute long, which I intended to send to AJ in the morning along with all my other data collected.))
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Love
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[sigh] There’s always like 2 degrees of separation from my intention and the finished product, so this is going to be, I guess the finished product. AJ. Hello. I’m making it for you. I fucking love you. That’s all. That’s literally all. oh…
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Recording 20
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I don’t know if I made note of it earlier. I know that I remarked it aloud to myself, and the universe, and anyone who was listening…[sigh] no. Uh…[sigh] man, talking is just…not easy. Ok. [laughing] Oh my god. I’m actually fucking full on deleting this one. This….this uh, this marks a milestone. No. I won’t delete it, cause then I’ll never know that I said I was gonna delete it. But know this: I felt at some point that it needed to be deleted. Ok. I’m, I’m finished.
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Recording 21
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What I meant to say is that it’s just literally impossible to have a bad time doing this. Whoever said you could have a bad trip is fucking retarded, and a liar, its…not possible. Everything is fantastic.
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((Famous last words anyone?))
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Recording 22
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With the exception of the fact that I am still really fucking cold and….just…be warmer!
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Recording 23
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I am going to enjoy listening to these later. This is a fact.
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Recording 24
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I was way more deeply affected by the jarring nature of the alarms than I thought…oh my god it’s really…I should not have made them. I have like….four more?!
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Recording 25
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All I wanted to say is that the physical effects are much stronger than anticipated.
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And this....this was the final recording I made before shit got weird. The next section of this report is what I wrote up the following day after coming down and reflecting. I never finished the story intially because I grew frustrated with my inability to properly convey what I experienced. I do remember it relatively well, and will try to summarize it now, 6 months after the fact.
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I have to say that my ultimate conclusion from the waking nightmare that was “my trip” was not surprising. Well, it was somewhat surprising in that I was incredibly impressed by the immense creative power of my brain. That is astonishing. What I mean is that if I was seeking an answer, the answer I got was that I understand myself and the things that are important to me.
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The world around me became immensely beautiful. It filled me with such astounding joy. I wanted so badly to tell AJ that I love him, that I really love him from the deepest and truest part of me. I remember saying that I wanted him to be there, but I really didn’t, not physically. I wanted us to be one, and I have no other way of explaining that. Perhaps the resistance to telling him, and the anxiety underlying the keeping of my secret was part of what led my happy dream to becoming a nightmare. I believe it was a combination of things, though.
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Once physical sensation became something completely foreign and alien, I started to inspect my body. I remember resisting thinking negative thoughts about it, but I couldn’t help it. I was advised to stay very hydrated (I understood why, later, because drinking water was fucking impossible) and my belly swelled painfully with the liquid inside it. I curled up under the covers because I was cold, and held myself. Because the nerve endings in my skin were not firing in a familiar manner, my body felt strange and different. When my fingertips ran over my buttocks and thighs, parts of my body that I know to be strong and lovely, the skin felt soft and melting, and my muscles fell away, atrophied and wilted.
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I thought about looking at them to confirm that they were still there, but I was afraid of what I’d find. I was afraid I’d see myself for who I really am, ugly, withered, sagging. This thought became reality and I could see myself without looking and it was truly horrible. I knew that I was merely dreaming, and allowed even the bad thoughts to come, because I was curious. I fell into a black hole in the bed, my body parts swelling and swirling into a spiral/pretzel type object. I was inside and outside at the same time. I saw my skin stretched and puffy, just a mass of fatty limbs, a completely inhuman form. I relaxed and thought “of course this is how you see yourself. Don’t be afraid, you knew all along.”
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When I relaxed more my body became pure color, shards of black, white, green, and blue, continually breaking and reforming into extremely intricate patterns. It was sort of beautiful, but in a different way from the happy colors from earlier in the evening. These shards were painful, and menacing in their speed. They did not ebb and flow, like the happy colors. They whipped and swirled like a storm.
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At this point I still was not truly scared. I was an observer. I knew what I was seeing and feeling was the pure representation of the negative feelings I have about my physical self. It was interesting. At some point the swirling storm settled, I returned to my bed, and I knew that I needed to get up. Mostly because I needed to pee, but also I felt that I should change my environment. I felt that I had been lying there for a few days.
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I remember turning over in bed, feeling the blanket slide over my skin, the mattress give way beneath me. It all felt so strange and different. There were holes everywhere, and everything that moved fluttered and skittered about. I had to move very slowly because sudden movement was guaranteed sensory overload. Pulling the blankets back was a true exercise in bravery. The gaps in sensation on my skin meant that the feeling of fabric dragging over flesh felt like the stabbing legs of giant insects walking over me. The erratic manner in which the blankets appeared to move added to this illusion. I felt extremely uncomfortable, and though I didn’t feel intensely bad, I felt that the time of happiness had ended.
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I walked across the floor, my bare feet on the wood felt like they were made of a shifting sort of swiss cheese. It occasionally gave way and my foot fell into nothingness, like when you think you’ve descended the last step on a staircase, but there is really one more. Somehow I did not lose my balance because of this, but I was very hesitant to touch anything. My phone was still in my hand, and I felt it so firmly and heavily in my fingers, as if it were fused to me. I went into the living room to tell D, and my phone recordings, one final message before descending into hell. “The physical effects are much stronger than anticipated”.
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I tried to record a new message. I wanted to say that I was starting to become afraid, that I was having a bad time, that I was unhappy. I couldn’t speak. I said “it won’t let me say bad things about it”. D asked what it was. In my head I answered “my trip”, but I couldn’t say it aloud. I dropped my phone onto the red leather chair, it sunk deeply into it, impossibly deeply, and became immersed in the leather, which more resembled a very thick paint. “I guess I’ll leave that there,” I thought to myself, somewhat amused.
<br>
<br>
When I turned my attention to the restroom, a terror so absolute gripped me, I was completely immobilized. At this point I realized that my trip had personified itself, and he did not want me to communicate anything negative. He also wanted me to do certain things, and did so by making anything else impossible. I stared at the door to the bathroom. Tears welled up in my eyes. “D,” I said, “I need you to help me.”
<br>
<br>
“Help you with what?”
<br>
<br>
“I need to go to the bathroom.”
<br>
<br>
“Ok, you need me to walk you there?”
<br>
<br>
“I mean I need to pee, but not in there, it won’t let me,” I laughed at the absurdity of this statement. I tried to will myself to walk to the bathroom but my body just would not move. Forcing it caused immense feelings of fear and anxiety. I took a step in a different direction, which was fine. Fascinating, I thought to myself. At that point I knew what my trip wanted me to do, but I still denied it. I started to laugh hysterically.
<br>
<br>
((SIDE NOTE: as a child I was extremely phobic of bathrooms because of some traumatic experiences at a very young age. Bathrooms and urination have been a strange fixation in many ways throughout my entire life for probably a whole host of weird psychological reasons that I wont get into here, just know that they exist and I am aware of them)).
<br>
<br>
“I can’t believe this,” I said. “I figured out the rules to this game a while ago. Lose yourself to the trip and everything is fine. Resist and face consequences.” I started to shake and bounce a lot because I had to pee so badly. I didn’t really want to do what I needed to do, but I couldn’t wait any longer. I asked D to come with me, and he accompanied me as I very easily walked to the front door.
<br>
<br>
When I was outside, I knew that it was cold, but I couldn’t really feel it. Everything was covered in ice. “That frost isn’t really there, right?” I asked. D merely told me that it was, indeed, quite cold. I squatted on the front porch and pissed, hard, over the stairs. The relief was overwhelming. I felt mildly ridiculous but at the same time part of me knew why I needed to do that. It felt very meaningful.
<br>
<br>
When I returned to inside, I grabbed my phone from the liquid chair, and laid on the couch. My body felt better, and I felt better. My skin was still falling away in pieces, and it was very hard to move without a lot of discomfort. My arm against the back of the couch felt like it was made of hornets nest. Pieces of reality fell away, leaving a honeycomb type pattern. A fly buzzed around my head. I felt repulsed yet fascinated. What is my brain doing? I wondered to myself.
<br>
<br>
My nightmare only became truly scary when D decided to go to the store. I was already somewhat uncomfortable with his presence, but I also did not want to be alone. He said he would be right back. Once alone I remembered the rules. Give in to the trip and he will take you for a ride. Don’t resist. I buried myself in blankets and closed my eyes to enter a world of Gigeresque horror. My world was a liquid gray and green, melting into black void. The black void took the shape of holes, which stretched the gray and green goo into thin lines between them. A vast network as far as my eyes could see, if it was my eyes that were seeing.
<br>
<br>
This network zoomed away from me and I realized I was looking closely at the eyes of an enormous insect, the size of a universe. It’s face was incredibly detailed, and slightly glowing, as if it were an image on an old computer screen. My skin was the insect, and the insect was me. Bright green lasers crisscrossed the void, forming patterns. I was so cold. I was under piles pf blankets but I could not feel them. “How can I warm my flesh when my flesh is not real?” I thought. I battled with succumbing to the feeling, the imagery, I wanted out. It had been years and D was still gone. Maybe he was not coming back. The silence of the house felt oppressive, rather than peaceful. I felt deep loneliness.
<br>
<br>
I turned and picked up my phone. It stretched and contorted in my hand. I struggled to read it, or even hold it. The lock screen displayed a notification. “AJ replayed your snap”. Suddenly struggling to swim back into reality, my mind raced for a memory. What had I sent? I don’t remember talking to him. I opened the app, the snap was replayed 19 minutes ago. What have I done? Let me apologize, I pleaded with my trip. Let me make it okay. I don’t want him to be scared, he can’t know that I am scared. I am strong and I am fine.
<br>
<br>
I tapped his name but nothing happened. The letters were just pushed out of the way. No! I thought, why won’t you let me? I fiddled with the other functions of my phone, which was now trapezoidal in shape and a foot long. The screen was all gray and would not display color. I returned to snapchat. It was frozen. My trip won’t let me talk to AJ. But maybe I had? My eyes bored into the text that read “19m ago”. Hadn’t minutes passed? What was happening?
<br>
<br>
D returned. His presence in the house was overwhelming. I silently sat with my anxiety. He laid on the floor eating chocolate. I didn’t want to look at him. I wanted him to leave, I wanted someone else there. Someone who was safer. I was not sure that the person who had come into the house was really D at all.
<br>
<br>
I checked my phone again. “AJ replayed your snap 26m ago”. So time was really passing, apparently. I tapped his name and nothing happened. I tapped another name and a chat window opened. I don’t want to talk to T, I thought, I don’t want to bother him. Returning to the home screen I tapped AJs name, and still nothing happened. His name swelled to a much larger size on the screen. I was frustrated. I knew I wasn’t going to send him anything, I just wanted my phone to work. My phone working means things are real, this was not real, and I became extremely afraid.
<br>
<br>
I suddenly realized that D had been chewing on food for an incredibly long time. I could see him, hunched over, out of the corner of my eye. Just constantly eating, so fast, so viciously. I was disgusted.
<br>
<br>
“I want M,” I said. “Help me call M.”
<br>
<br>
“Why would I help you?” D asked accusingly. I looked at him, and his face was that of a demon. His eyes hollow holes of glowing white. Black ink flowed from the sockets. I looked away. That’s not real. Fuck that can’t be real.
<br>
<br>
“please, I can’t make my phone work, call M for me.”
<br>
<br>
He took my phone and said “Is this person EXPECTING you to call them?”. I felt very personally attacked and wracked with guilt after this question.
<br>
<br>
I hesitantly said yes, even though that was not exactly true. I found M's contact page and he helped me put it on speaker. I listened to it ring for an incredible time, and then it went to voicemail.
<br>
<br>
“Call again,” I pleaded, feeling panic.
<br>
<br>
“Are you sure you’re not bothering them?” D asked, in a very mocking tone.
<br>
<br>
Yes…I thought…I am bothering her….but I need something to be real…and we called again. No answer.
<br>
<br>
I thought of who else I could call, but my phone was frozen on her contact info. My trip wants me to contact M, and no one else. But she was not there. I struggled to operate my phone. I got to my contacts list and scrolled through it. None of the names would work except for M's. Fuck.
<br>
<br>
I opened snapchat again. “AJ replayed your snap 34m ago”. Fuck.
<br>
<br>
I opened my contacts. Scrolling, scrolling, frozen, M. Open. Send text message. Fuck I can’t type. Go back. Scrolling. M. Go back. Scrolling. Frozen. This went on for almost an hour. Finally something clicked and I remembered how to make technology work. “Siri, tell M: ‘I need you.’” Message sent.
<br>
<br>
Snapchat. “AJ replayed your snap 34m ago”. No...almost an hour has gone by. At least half an hour, but not even a minute has passed?
<br>
<br>
This is a nightmare, I told myself, and I will wake up. I just have to watch it play out. Yes.
<br>
<br>
And what a nightmare it was. Here is where I am picking up the retelling 6 months later. Eventually D asked if I wanted him to leave. Maybe he picked up on the fact that I was extremely distrusting of him. I told him that was fine, that I was just going to ride this out by myself, maybe I'd get a hold of someone else. I was honestly terrified of being alone, but I was MORE scared with him there. I probably looked relatively fine, I'd just been bundled up on the couch not doing much but messing with my phone and internally panicking for quite a while.
<br>
<br>
At this point D had not ever done acid before, so I don't think he really knew how to take care of me at all, not to mention he was tripping on shrooms as well. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">D had not ever done acid before, so I don't think he really knew how to take care of me at all, not to mention he was tripping on shrooms as well.</div></div> When he left I felt a sense of relief but I also felt utterly incredibly alone and scared.
<br>
<br>
I knew that I was just on a drug, and that it would wear off and everything would be fine. I knew that everything I was thinking and feeling and fearing were my thoughts and maybe I had the power to turn it around. I came to the conclusion rather quickly that I lacked the fortitude to turn it around, and began to really feel pure dread.
<br>
<br>
I didn't want to talk to AJ. I don't even know what I was thinking about that. I kept trying to come up with some reason that he'd replayed a snapchat when I didn't think I'd sent him one for hours. I was very afraid that I had sent him something recently without remembering it, and that it would clue him in to the fact that I was tripping. Time was passing so slowly that even the idea of waiting out the trip seemed agonizing and impossible.
<br>
<br>
I wanted to cry. I ended up calling a lot of people, but no one answered, probably because it was 1am on a Tuesday. Finally I got a hold of someone, a fellow psychonaut, the friend who had sold me the drug. He was awake. He lived about an hour away, but I convinced him I was wigging out bad and needed company.
<br>
<br>
He agreed to come but a deep paranoia had gripped me. Everything he said carried a similar mocking tone, the one I perceived D as speaking to me in earlier. I realized that I must be imagining it, but this led me to wonder what else I was imagining. Maybe I was imagining this phone call. I got up from the couch. Moving around was still difficult but I was desperate to get a grip on reality. Still on the phone with my friend, trying to make casual conversation and seem like my normal self again, I paced around the house.
<br>
<br>
I insisted that my friend stay on the phone with me, consumed with the idea that if I hung up the phone, it would be revealed that it was all in my head, that I never called anyone, that I was alone and fucked up forever. I kept obsessively asking him where he was. Very familiar with the route between his town and mine, I checked his information against the time. I was suspicious that he was still at home, in his bed, just laughing at me.
<br>
<br>
He suggested that I drink some water. There was a glass sitting on the table that I had poured for myself hours ago. I sat down in front of it and stared at it the way a chess grandmaster stares at his chessboard, contemplating his next move. Drinking water seemed like a monumental and impossible task. For some reason the idea of drinking water frightened me. I reached out and touched the glass, but I never got farther than that, choosing to get up and walk away instead.
<br>
<br>
I still find it odd how I continued to be afraid of drinking the water. I kept going back and forth between determination to do 'normal' things, and exercising willpower, and wanting to just stop giving a fuck. But I was worried that I was brain damaged somehow, that I'd done something very wrong, that my relationship with AJ would be ruined and he would be devastated. A part of me was very aware that these were somewhat valid emotions and I couldn't help feeling them as intensely real because of the drug. After all, earlier in the evening I had experienced pure joy in a similar manner. This was of course, much less tolerable.
<br>
<br>
My friend had apparently gotten lost on the way, taken a wrong highway exit, and wanted to get off the phone so he could use his GPS. I was utterly convinced that this was some kind of trick. I still was not sure I hadn't dreamed up this entire phone conversation. I 'knew' that if I hung up I would wake up from some stupor having not called anyone at all, still alone, still psychotic. I begged with him, practically crying, to stay on the line.
<br>
<br>
Thankfully blessed with a very good sense of direction and knowledge of local geography, I was able to navigate him to the house. I had opened the front door at some point, to get some fresh air. The door opened to a semi closed off porch, so I couldn't really see the street from inside the house. He told me that he had arrived and was parking. I could hear the sound of an engine running outside, and then a car door opening and closing. A sense of relief like no other washed over me. The room seemed brighter, I was smiling.
<br>
<br>
'See you in a second,' I said, and hung up the phone.
<br>
<br>
Black.
<br>
<br>
Silent.
<br>
<br>
Grey clouds filled my vision, and everything looked like a typical haunted house. 'No! No! No!' I screamed inside my head. How could I be so stupid as to hang up the phone? But no, hanging up the phone did not suddenly cause him to blip out of existence. He was never there. My consciousness had given me hope, built up over the course of an hour (which felt like eternity on Acid Time), just to take it away. To punish me. I needed to be punished because I am a bad person who lies and and is lazy and hypocritical.
<br>
<br>
Some part of me still knew that everything that was happening was just being created by my own mind, and that I clearly had some fucking issues with self esteem I needed to sort out. I just needed to wait for the drug to wear off. This didn't really calm me much though, because minutes felt like hours, and I had, by my estimation, at least 4 more hours of this to endure completely alone.
<br>
<br>
I started to cry. And then...I heard something. Footsteps.
<br>
<br>
J had arrived after all. Only seconds had passed, my mind slowed them down to an eternity of agony. But there he was, his usual goofy self. We sat on the couch together and I tried to explain everything that had been happening. Quite poorly, I imagine. I still felt as if everything he said was dripping with sarcasm, derision, and disgust. This actually comforted me somewhat because I figured this was me projecting my insecurities in a very extreme way because of how the drug was making me feel emotions. I just kept telling myself he was talking normally and I was reading this tone into it.
<br>
<br>
What ended up saving me, because I was still paranoid that none of this was actually happening, but that I was making up my own personal hell because I felt like I deserved it, was watching a youtube video. J and I are both fans of this one movie review channel, where they do reviews that are about an hour long. One had just been released the day before and I watched it then. At least, I started watching it, but got distracted and did other things while it played in the background.
<br>
<br>
Seeing the familiar first 15 minutes of that video, followed by snippets of of the vaguely familiar and snippets of the unknown, was immensely reassuring to me. I felt that there was no way I could keep up hallucinating this entire video with such accuracy. It had to be real. J was really there, I was really fine, I wasn't eternally in my own personal hell.
<br>
<br>
When the sun came up about an hour and a half later, J decided to go home, because he had other obligations. I was coming down, and watching the sunrise was like being fucking reborn. Alone in the house as it filled with light, I settled into a chair and felt extremely satisfied with myself, like I had just exorcised a demon from me. I took a selfie. My hair was disheveled and my pupils were dilated. I sent it to my best friend with the caption 'Dragon Slayer'.
<br>
<br>
And I really felt that way. I reflected on everything that I had felt and thought over the past several hours, and it all made profound sense to me. I vowed to love myself a little more, doubt myself a little less, and to appreciate the people I care about. None of the paranoia or bad feelings persisted. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I vowed to love myself a little more, doubt myself a little less, and to appreciate the people I care about. None of the paranoia or bad feelings persisted.</div></div> They were part of me that were always there, and I looked at them in a microscope for a while, and accepted them.
<br>
<br>
I ended up talking to my dad that morning. We have a very special bond, but we are not very affectionate. I went disc golfing with him, and it was honestly one of the most beautiful things ever. It was still early morning, everything was covered in dew. It being late spring there was maximum green and flowers everywhere. I was definitely still a little high at that point, feeling familiar feelings of contendedness and a strange good energy. After our game I told my dad I loved him for the first time in probably 20 years. I told him that he was a good father and I hoped he understood how much I appreciate him.
<br>
<br>
He seemed surprised but happy. I was too. It wasn't until around T+20h that I was confident all the effects of the drug had ended. I did continue to find myself in a somewhat different mindset for the next week or so, though. Very positive, reflective, and accepting.
<br>
<br>
((SIDE NOTE: When I told AJ about what I had done he FLIPPED HIS SHIT. We almost broke up over it. Apparently my anxieties were somewhat well-founded. He came around eventually and has since tripped himself, afterwards apologizing to me profusely for not trusting my judgement and for being so judgmental himself of a beautiful experience.))
<br>
<br>
((ADDITIONAL SIDE NOTE: I am assuming that my dosage was around 200ug, not exactly an advisable beginner dose, though not exactly a hero dose either. From my conversations with friends and reading various trip reports online I've found that by and large the level of visuals and dissociation I experienced were more on par with 350+ doses. Like I said in my opening, I don't use drugs of any sort very often. I was raised atheist but have always had a spiritual side to me from a very young age and would wander off into the woods by myself and meditate, often achieving a state of waking dream which I found very enjoyable.
<br>
<br>
I also suffer from some moderate mental illness (Bi-Polar Disorder, Body Dysmorphic Disorder), as well as a type of migraine known as kaleidoscopic vision. A lot of the visuals I saw in my trip were actually things I have seen before, completely sober, since long before I ever touched or heard of psychedelics.
<br>
<br>
It is my suspicion that because of the way my brain works, I was already very 'primed' for a psychedelic experience. 4 friends of mine have taken similar or higher doses from the same batch and got nowhere near the level I did.))<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2017</td><td width="90">ExpID: 111357</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 29</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Aug 16, 2018</td><td>Views: 2,160</td></tr>
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Guides / Sitters (39), Bad Trips (6), First Times (2), General (1)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3.5 g</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/mushrooms/">Mushrooms</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:20</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:25</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">200 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(powder / crystals)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
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<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">155 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I had Wanted to do something fun on the coming 4th of July Sunday that was approaching. I had never done mushrooms before and I heard of some very good ones that a friend of a friend had. After I got mushrooms I knew that I wanted to do a full cut for my first experience. On the 4th, I met up with two friends who were also going to trip with me. They had done mushrooms before I had not. Anyone I asked how much I should do my first time suggested I did not do the full cut I had planned on doing. But I was stubborn and did not know what they were like and thought I could handle it. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">Anyone I asked how much I should do my first time suggested I did not do the full cut I had planned on doing. But I was stubborn and did not know what they were like and thought I could handle it.</div></div>
<br>
<br>
It was a very hot day. I’d say it was around 85 to 90 degrees outside. We met up at a park near my house after I got off work. It was about 1 p.m. and I was ready to get my trip started. Between me and my two friends we had psybocilin, lsd, mdma(molly), and marijuana. We all ate our mushrooms in our respectable doses, mine of course being a cut or 3.5 grams. Also when I got the mushrooms I picked out a huge cap which weighed to be about 2.4 of my 3.5 gram cut. I ate it all. We then moved to a different spot and as we walked I suggested we go all out and do everything we had. I bartered with my friend to give me two doses of molly and intern I would give him and our other friend some acid.
<br>
<br>
About 20 minutes a dropped a hit of acid on my tongue then 5 minutes after that I ate two doses of pure molly crystal out of the bag it was in. I wanted to walk somewhere to buy a bottle of water so I did not get dehydrated on such a hot day. We walked to a gas station and I bought a liter of water. From there we decided we wanted to smoke a bowl. So we went back in the woods to smoke. We found a secluded area with a huge log on the ground that provided us with seats to sit there and smoke and relax.
<br>
I just realized as I write this I begin to feel anxious and sick to my stomach. I think bringing the memories back from this day is causing the anxiety.
<br>
<br>
We sat there and smoked as I played music from my phone. This spot in the woods is where I first started to feel myself coming up. There was trash and leaves on the ground and these things began to light up. Not at once, certain sections of debree would slowly light then fade as a different section would do the same. The ground was waving in front of me. I then began to lose track of how I got to where I was and how to get out of the area I was in. I was not worried at this point because my trip was very enjoyable. But we sat there for a while (personally too long for me) and I was ready to get up and go somewhere else and do something. But they did not want to go and I did not know where to go, so I sat there with them readily awaiting for them to be ready to move on. This is where my trip lost enjoyment. I soon began to feel uncomfortable sitting in the heat, in the woods, on a log. So I moved from the log to the dirt on the ground. I did not care about getting dirty I just cared about comfort. I was hot and slightly nautious. Soon my one friend who was also tripping that said something that disturbed me.
<br>
“Imagine what it would feel like to kill someone.”
<br>
<br>
I sat there in silence but in my head I was saying “ok, I’ve had enough, I’m leaving”.
<br>
Five minutes later I stood up and made my departure announced. I said I was going home. I was too hot and too fucked up to be here in the woods doing nothing. So I started to walk home. They walked out of the woods with me but after that I went one way and they went another. I got to a main road near my house and immediately felt as if everyone was looking at me. I felt like I was covered in dirt from laying in the woods. I felt everyone’s eyes on me and that somehow they knew what I was on. I now did not want to go home. I called my friends to see where they were but they did not answer. From there a paced a quarter mile trying to find them but I felt too uncomfortable in mid day walking near my home tripping, feeling like everyone knew and everyone as watching, so I made my way home.
<br>
<br>
By the time I had gotten home my trip had intensified, which I did not see happening. I thought I was peaking in the woods but I could not have been more wrong. Time was hard for me to keep track of but I estimate I got home approximately 1 hour after I had ingested everything. I went into my house and there was no one else home. I immediately flung open the door to my room and ripped all my clothes off from feeling hot and dirty. I got in the shower because I thought it would make me feel better because at this time my trip had gone from undesirable to extreme discomfort. I felt more uncomfortable then I had ever felt in my live. The best way to describe it is I felt as if my skeleton has rotated lightly inside my skin and I just was not fitting right inside myself. Every movement I made was the wrong one. I felt like screaming from discomfort. Keep in mind, this is the hardest I had ever tripped at this point. What I was seeing and hearing was distorted. Walking was harder then usual and the mental trip was taking me to a level I never could have wanted to imagine.
<br>
<br>
I have tripped on acid several times before but the most I had ever done at once was 3 hits. I was nowhere near experienced for everything I did that day.
<br>
<br>
Soon after I got in the shower and cooled of I became extremely enraged because the shower did nothing to ease my discomfort. As soon as I got cooled off I felt even more uncomfortable. I quickly got out of the shower and dried off. I stopped at the bathroom mirror to see what I looked like. I did not even see myself as I had known myself. Instead I saw a body that had something inside of it. Because my pupils were so dilated my eyes looked as if they were all black. I had remembered a movie where a girl who was possessed by a demon had eyes that looked exactly like mine and this led me to think, is there something inside me?
<br>
<br>
I ran into my room to try and lay down and listen to music, making one last desperate attempt to make the trip enjoyable, but nothing worked. A few emotions I felt while tripping: anger, discomfort, fear, confusion, rage, discomfort, and paranoia. Laying in my bed listening to music was what I always did to make my unpleasant trips enjoyable. But it was not working this time. Just as everything felt uncomfortable, all the music I tried to listen to was the wrong choice. I became more frustrated and enraged which eventually led to psychotic thoughts.
<br>
<br>
“Why won’t anything sound good?”
<br>
“Why can’t I get comfortable?”
<br>
“Why am I so alone?”
<br>
“Why am I so itchy?”
<br>
“Is something on me?”
<br>
“Where is everyone?”
<br>
“Is someone home?”
<br>
<br>
Those thoughts repeated in my head for what felt like a few hours but in reality was approximately 3 to 5 minutes. I was laying in my bed trying to think of what to do. I did not want to be tripping but I knew it was beyond my control. The worst part was that it was not even 2 hours since I had taken everything and I knew I had a long ride ahead of me. I could not handle it at this point. I got up to take another shower, I don’t even know why, I guess at the time I thought it could help, but it didn’t. the second shower only lasted about 30 seconds until a ripped open the shower curtain and ran into my room naked. I felt so confined inside my room but I knew if I went outside I would feel exposed and this caused even more frustration knowing that there was nowhere to be that would make this better. The walls and the floors were moving. I was cold and hot, weak and strong. I was losing my grip on reality. Every trip I’ve ever had the thought “Is this ever going to end” has crossed my mind, but this time I was convinced that the trip was never going to end, even worse, that I was not going to get through this day to see tomorrow.
<br>
<br>
The next 30 minutes of my life felt like hours. And when I say hours I mean HOURS. I thought I was in my room for 6 to 7 hours tripping. The time after the second shower consisted of me going to all the rooms in my house over and over again looking for some kind of enjoyment. Every time nothing was found, I became even more enraged, scared and desperate. This was it, I gave up. I layed down in my bed. I was convinced I was dying. I called my friend who was experienced with these types of drugs and asked him if what I had taken was killing me. My hearing was so distorted that I could barely make out what he was saying so I just kept asking questions after questions without hearing the response. I very vividly remember asking him if I needed medical attention. His response came to me distorted. What he really said was no I don’t think you need to call an ambulance. But in my head what I heard and invisioned was, in a panicked voice: “Ok… um I think im going to call an ambulance for you, don’t worry they’ll be there soon.”
<br>
<br>
It was only about a second from the time he said that till he spoke again but in that second was the start of my death. I heard that and immediately closed my eyes and saw ambulances lined up in front of my house, with paramedics walking into my room to find my dead, deformed body, laying a puddles of my own piss and vomit. That 1 second did not even feel like time. I was outside of time at this point. I was no longer in reality. I was somewhere else. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">That 1 second did not even feel like time. I was outside of time at this point. I was no longer in reality. I was somewhere else.</div></div> I continued the phone conversation for a little after my friend repeatedly reassured me that I was not dying and was going to be perfectly fine and that I was just tripping really hard. But I did not trust him or anyone else. I was convinced that no one understood what was happening and that I was dying.
<br>
<br>
After the phone conversation I laid in my bed starring straight ahead. I had remembered something my friend once said about people getting so freaked out when tripping that their face droops to the side and they have a heart attack. I felt my face and it felt sideways. I got up to look in the mirror and it looked like the left side of my face was drooping. I tried to concentrate really hard to see if it really was or if I was just freaking out. But it did not matter. Either way I was dying. And after I looked in the mirror and couldn’t see what I wanted, I was convinced I was also going blind. One final time I laid down in my bed convinced I was blond and dying and I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. My eyes started leaking. I don’t mean I was crying, I mean liquid started flowing out of my eyes and I couldn’t stop it and had no idea why it was happening. My first thought was that I had drunk too much water and gave myself water poison. I now had 3 different things that I thought were causing my death. Now in my bed, it happened. I was lying there with my eyes wide open but I was not seeing reality. Instead I saw the scene of my death as it was about to happen. I saw police and ambulances in front of my house. I saw the police tearing my room apart finding drugs everywhere. I saw my mother in my room looking at me in disgust, lying there dead in puddle of my own piss and vomit and being ashamed to call herself my mother. I see her shed not one tear. I saw myself. I saw my dead body lying there, motionless and white. I saw all this from what I can only explain as 5 or 6 feet above my body. But I could also see outside in front of my house from the same position. Its hard to explain and even harder to understand. But at this point in time I was dead and was not coming back. I was outside of my body watching the last moments of my life and the first few minutes of my death.
<br>
Then out of no where I was back in my body again looking straight ahead., the fan in my window still blowing and my room still a mess from me tearing it apart. I know felt the biggest sense of euphoria I had ever felt. The rest of the day was my comedown and I was not normal again after I slept that night. But the rest of the day(remember was the 4th of July) I spent telling my friends about my experience and trying to get insight on it. But no one had any words of comfort to say. I knew that part of me died that day.
<br>
<br>
It has been10 days today since that happened and I think about it every day. Some day’s it gets me so worked up that I still want to cry like I did that day. It was the most traumatic event of my life. I have not felt the same since that day and in a way I am convinced I died that day and was reborn a different person.
<br>
<br>
Since that day my anxiety and sadness have become worse even just smoking marijuana now is not as enjoyable as it used to be. I am also much more paranoid and untrusting of people. I feel like I’m trapped inside my body. I am hoping someday this will all go away.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2010</td><td width="90">ExpID: 86375</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 19</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Sep 3, 2018</td><td>Views: 3,774</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=86375&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=86375&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">Mushrooms (39), LSD (2), MDMA (3) : First Times (2), Combinations (3), Difficult Experiences (5), Bad Trips (6), Depression (15), Hangover / Days After (46), Post Trip Problems (8), Various (28)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/2ce/">2C-E</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(powder / crystals)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">150 ug</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance">Unknown</td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">67 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
A multi-faceted evening
<br>
<br>
(aprox) 10mg 2ce 7.00pm
<br>
One 150ug tab of lsd 7.30pm
<br>
<br>
What follows was generally a very pleasant trip. Nothing exactly life-changing, but pretty intense, and certainly thought-provoking for me.
<br>
<br>
Some background:
<br>
<br>
I’m a twenty-year-old student in <!--Brighton, -->the UK, and having been steadily building up my experiences with psychedelics over the past year. On the evening of this trip – about a fortnight ago - I had two tickets to go and see the London Philharmonic Orchestra (not a typical evening evening in my life, but I thought why not?) play an evening of work by the composer Sibelius (who I really enjoy). I had previously planned to go with this girl I’d really like to get to know better, but in the end she decided she was too hungover, and so I invited my old friend L – also making the decision to go along and see what live classical music was like whilst fried out of your head.
<br>
<br>
<span class="erowid-caution">[Erowid Note:
Two samples of powder (even of the same chemical) with equivalent volumes won't necessarily weigh the same. For this reason, eyeballing is an inaccurate and potentially dangerous method of measuring, particularly for substances that are active in very small amounts.
See <a href="/psychoactives/basics/basics_measuring1.shtml">this article on The Importance of Measured Doses</a>.]</span>
<br>
<br>
As is often the case in my life, I wasn’t properly organised that evening, although I was in a good mood that day, and generally in my life at the moment. I ended up in a rush to eyeball (bad, I know…) and dropping an indeterminate amount of 2ce (somewhere in the region of 10mg) at about 7.00pm, on a pretty empty stomach, before hurrying into town and treating myself to a tab of decent lsd at about 7.30. L had some acid as well.
<br>
<br>
The concert started at 7.30, and we arrived just after the orchestra had taken their places. Our seats were… not great. Front row of the stalls, literally underneath the orchestra, with the wall of the stage right in our eyeline.
<br>
<br>
The music started, and it was predictably fantastic. However, I started coming up on the 2ce pretty quickly as well, and my memory of the LPO is pretty limited. The lead violin stands out, I remember him standing literally right above me, playing so superbly, transcendently, he was obviously enough to distract me from the drugs – which needless to say were occupying most of my attention. I remember feeling moderately concerned, as one might expect, at what the people around us thought of our late arrival and general characters… I also became moderately agitated by the stillness of the audience (entertaining the typical thoughts of ‘what if I just jumped up and shouted! What would happen?’) and increasingly, as the chemicals picked up, by the ceaseless energy and desperate passion of the music; I began to long for a little stillness. I was also having problems working out exactly where to put my right leg, and vaguely worrying about it starting to shake uncontrollably, which it seemed to want to do. My concluding thoughts on the subject of classical music live on drugs are: it’s probably better sober. I didn’t experience synaesthesia, or any ecstatic engagement with the music, as I’d vaguely hoped. That said, our seats, and our rushed arrival were not particularly conducive to a really great time either.
<br>
<br>
Regarding the drugs, the dark wall of the stage in front of me started to do very interesting things – vine-like patterning appearing all over it, and behind the viney stuff, distinct sentences! I could clearly tell that my mind was seeing words on the blank wall in front of me, but try as I might (and I spent quite a lot of time trying) I couldn’t read what they were. Pretty though.
<br>
<br>
We left at the interval – went outside for a smoke – and then I decided that actually, I’d probably be happier outside than in, which possibly annoyed L a bit, as lacking the 2ce, he wasn’t feeling much yet, and felt that we were missing out. We went down to <!--Brighton-->the beach, always lovely, although bitterly cold in the dark of early February. The scene was beautiful, filled with dark colours, the shingle seeming to ripple in rivulets down to the sea. I also remember observing (which I’ve noticed before on 2ce) how the colours of the scene in front of me seem to merge into each other, for example when I lit a cigarette, the warm red-orange of the cigarette end somehow gets caught up in other things. Good fun. We talked – L and I do well when it comes to being able to easily talk about interesting subjects – although on this occasion I was doing most of the talking I think, as I was more drugged up, and having escaped the confines of the auditorium I was feeling a need to exuberantly express myself. My general theme was language, and words, and communication I think. L’s general theme, the cold. Words were obviously very much on mind (following my first 2ce trip, and my first solo trip two weeks before – where I’d wandered around on the hills in the snow, and then sat the roof of my house trying, and generally failing, to write poetry) and again they popped out of my brain! After I while I noticed that the white surf of the incoming waves was spelling out words, as each wave rolled in. Again, I couldn’t read what they were! I then remember looking up to the sky, and observing that the starlight was somehow numbers! How or why, I don’t know.
<br>
<br>
After a while of freezing around the sea-front, L was coming up on the acid, and getting moderately agitated (to be expected, he’s had less experience with psychadelics than I, and had made the decision to join me tonight at very short notice.) Walking places was interesting, we were both experiencing a distorted sense of time. I was striding around, feeling particularly confident and intelligent, enjoying playing with words and making new ones. Would have been great to have a sound recorder of some kind with me, as I’d love to know quite how much of a dick I was sounding.
<br>
<br>
We eventually decided to go back to my house and chill (and perhaps start some incredible arty, creative project which would surely be amazing - but neither of us quite knew what it was yet… Embarrassing, I know). My acid was coming on as well, taking me down the usual paths of deconstructing and debating as many aspects of the world and human civilisation as I could think of, but over time leaving me with the vague feeling (as acid always does) that I was somehow never quite getting it. Getting what, I don’t know – its just a general feeling that lsd always seems to bring with it - that I’m on the right track, but I never quite completely express, completely capture, all that I have to. This also perhaps has something to do with the fact that also, when taking lsd, my ability to communicate with others tends to steadily break down – and indeed, as we walked home, the silences grew longer and longer. This feeling was the only thing that I thought was more lsd-y, other than that I think the 2ce was more dominant, although it was hardly to really put my finger on any definite synergy taking place.
<br>
<br>
L was having a moderately intense time, he described his whole memory of the walk home as being like watching one giant rolling tv screen, and we weren’t as connected as we could have been. (Theres also a lesson here I think about staying on the same trip, perhaps I shouldn’t have done the 2ce, but I wanted to push my boundaries a little and I’m not sorry I did.) The one interesting take-home thought that I managed to salvage from the walk (that at least I find useful) was the realisation that you can’t treat other people entirely as entities entirely distinct from you. You’re constantly shaping all your friends and they shape you.
<br>
<br>
Arriving home, most of my housemates were going out to a party, and tried to encourage me to go a party. I flounced ridiculously round the kitchen at them, brandishing an avocado, and kind of wanted to go to the party, but equally knew it was probably more sensible to stay in. I would also have felt very guilty about L, who’s evening I had interrupted, and who was now trying to chill in my room. Eventually everyone left, and I had the very physical experience of trying to eat an avocado with just a knife over the sink in my room. Felt quite brutal to cut the soft, beautifully patterned fruit, although it tasted great. We stayed in for the next few hours, listening and discussing music, which sounded great, and generally chatting and having a good time. L did some writing and drawing I think, and I just enjoyed the music, and patterns in the floor, and seeing some of the posters and things I have in my room in a new way. Needless to say, no great creative work emerged. Naïve, we were!
<br>
<br>
One less than pleasant aspect of the evening was that at one point I became very concerned with mine and L’s sexuality. Basically I started worrying we might be gay, which is pretty ridiculous because neither of us are, but nonetheless I couldn’t get it out of my head! I think L had picked up on this vibe as well, but we weren’t really able to talk about it, although I tried once. It just seemed annoyingly inevitable that we would sleep together, which was aggravating as at the time I knew I definitely didn’t want to. It added this unwelcome sexual overtone to much of the evening, but we were eventually able to get past it. Not sure why this happened, but I guess cos neither of us are stereotypically masculine guys, and we have a close friendship, and first he’d kind of taken care of me that evening as we left the concert, and then I’d had to look after him a little as we walked home. Also perhaps I was feeling a little insecure, as I’d left the attractive girl in the kitchen who’d been trying to get me to go to the party, and because the girl I’d initially meant to be going to the concert with had cancelled. All rather immature anyway, although certainly interesting!
<br>
<br>
We ended up watching Dr Strangelove and smoking a scraped-together joint, as the intensity of the drugs slackened off (although it is a good film to watch on drugs, you can find an awful lot of layers in it, and its serious enough to be very interesting, but light-hearted enough it shouldn’t get you down.) I had one last very impressive open-eye visual, the whole of the wardrobe in my room seemed to turn into a large, blue, and divinely perfect female face. Prompted in part I imagine by the concern over my sexuality earlier in the evening. She was calm and beautiful, and I thoroughly enjoyed her being there.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2013</td><td width="90">ExpID: 99280</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 20</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Sep 8, 2018</td><td>Views: 2,152</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=99280&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=99280&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">2C-E (137), LSD (2) : General (1), Combinations (3), Music Discussion (22), Relationships (44), Various (28)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
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<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(edible / food)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 tablet</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">165 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
It was late July and a couple of my friends and myself were on our way to see a concert not far from our hometown. It was extremely hot out that day and seemed like it would be the perfect day to see an outdoor concert. To make the situation even better, I received some tickets for the event that morning completely out of the blue. Prior to that I thought that I was going to have to buy from a scalper.
<br>
<br>
I've seen a number of concerts at the venue that we were going to, so I knew what to expect. Before the concert starts, tons of people hang out in the parking lot and drink, grill, sell food, walk around etc. The type of music that we were going to listen to also basically turns the parking lot into a pharmacy; drugs are being sold everywhere and people are using drugs everywhere. My friends and I knew this and planned on ingesting some mind altering substances upon our arrival.
<br>
<br>
When we arrived at the venue we walked around for a little and sat under some trees to cool down because it was so hot out. A bunch of our other friends drove down separately and they joined us as we sat and cooled down. We had about two hours or so before the concert so the plan was to relax, eat some LSD, and get ready for a great night. If I recall correctly, everyone in our group including myself had several experiences with LSD.
<br>
<br>
I'd taken acid approximately ten times up to that point and every experience was wonderful. I had a few instances in previous experiences where I would get a little paranoid, but nothing I would call a bad trip. On one occasion (coincidentally at the same venue) I had to undergo a sobriety test during the peak of my trip. I was escorted to a police trailer along with a friend and a couple of other people we didn't know. Even though it was a very stressful situation being taken away from my friends by cops while I'm well into an acid trip, and I was quite paranoid, I held myself together and performed the sobriety test perfectly. The only thing that the officers said was peculiar was that my pupils very large (so large that they exceeded the largest diameter pupil measuring device) and that there was a 'relapse' or something when light was shined in my eyes. Although this is another story, I thought I'd mention it because I believed if I could go through that experience I could go through any.
<br>
<br>
I knew LSD was very powerful drug, but I didn't realize how powerful until that day in June. With a number of experiences under my belt, I believed I knew what it was about and what to expect. So here I am sitting in this field with bunch of my friends under a tree, and one of my friends that joined us had just baked a fresh batch of cannabis brownies. I received a brownie and ate it quickly. The concert was scheduled to start at 7:30 and I ate the brownie at about 4:00-4:30. Having eaten cannabis a number of times before, I knew I would be feeling the brownie before I went into the concert.
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<br>
Right before the cannabis brownie started to take effect, I took one dose of white paper acid. With two doses, the plan was to take one and then take the other in the show when the effects from the first began to wear off. I have taken up to eight hits in one sitting, so I thought one would be nothing to worry about. I couldn't have been more wrong. As the effects of the brownie started to settle in (about a half an hour after I ate it), I started becoming paranoid. It had been a while since I had last eaten cannabis, so I didn't remember how strong its effects can be. The combination of the heat and the unsettling feeling that I had from the brownie was making me uncomfortable. I felt tired, paranoid, fidgety, and very anxious.
<br>
<br>
The friends that joined me had also ingested some acid at this point and everyone was kind of silent as we waited for it to take its course. We decided to return to my friends car and lock up our belongings so we wouldn't need to worry about it later. Sitting in the car is the last thing I can remember before things started getting out of hand.
<br>
<br>
The first thing that I remember bothering me was the intense heat. I must have been at least 95 degrees that day so I felt like I was melting. Now, I don't know if I was just destined to have a bad experience that day, but I think the heat and the brownie had something to do with it. In any case, I was in a delicate situation. I then made the worst mistake I think one can make while taking LSD or any psychedelic: I forgot that I took the LSD. It was at this point that I was in for the most terrifying experience I've ever had in my entire life.
<br>
<br>
The bad experience lasted for about two hours, but it seemed like a million lifetimes. While most of my memories of it are blurry, there were some very vivid moments that I don't believe I can ever forget. As the acid took effect, I became extremely confused and I didn't want to be in that parking lot. The two friends that I was with were just starting feel the effects of their LSD as I stumbled around aimlessly and they followed me.
<br>
<br>
They noticed that I was having some trouble after they tried to get me to follow them to our other friends but I refused. I feared that my two friends had turned against me and were bringing me to the police who would then search me and throw me in jail for the rest of my life because I had more acid in my pocket. There was a small hill in the field and behind it was supposedly where our friends were. Every time that I would finally give in and start to follow them I would envision the police waiting for me on the other side to take me away.
<br>
<br>
I'm not quite sure if the order of the next sequence of events is correct, but as we were walking around I noticed words from conversations that people were having were meshing together into offensive sentences in my head. All that I heard were people's voices taunting me and making fun of me. I believed that everything I was experiencing was real life as I forgot that I ate LSD. People's faces were terrifying me as they melted and twisted around. I thought I had done something terrible and I was about to be given some sort of trial to see if I would be thrown into hell for eternity. I am not a very religious person, I'm agnostic, so what happened next really freaked me out. For some reason I knew that everything I thought was true. I could see into the future and it was horrifying. The scariest part of my trip was when god and the devil became involved. I realized that all of the horrible things that I was hearing actually was god speaking to me telepathically. One of my friends then said something to me, I don't remember what it was because I was in such fear that god had actually stopped time and begun talking to me through my friends body. He told me something along the lines of that I was a failure and I was damned for eternity.
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<br>
I then believed that I was the anti-christ and that all of the horrible things that were happening to me were all planned my whole life. I saw hints everywhere that I was the devil and I was crushed by it. I could see nothing but horrible things happening to me. At probably the worst part of the trip I asked my friend if I was the anti-chirst. They laughed at me because of how ridiculous the statement was and I perceived their laughter as negative. I thought that they knew very well that I was indeed the anti-christ and they were going to lead me to where I would be killed by god himself.
<br>
<br>
I eventually forgot that I thought I was the anti-christ and as we finally reached the hill that we were trying to get to earlier (I was with other friends at this time as the other ones decided to let someone else deal with me). On the other side, my thoughts from before about bad things on the other side of the hill were somewhat true. Two of my friends were being searched by policemen right upon my arrival and I thought the whole parking lot just got busted and we were all screwed forever. I very slowly began to come back to my senses in short increments. I actually experienced some of the most vivid and extraordinary hallucinations I've ever experienced during this period in the trip.
<br>
<br>
I had become so used to the bad trip I guess that I didn't really even care anymore and I started to think positively at times. Finally I sat down in a chair and I remember thinking that I could just blast off from the Earth and go anywhere. I closed my eyes and saw the most unbelievable fractals and geometric designs I've ever seen. It was like I was painting in the backs of my eyelids. I felt a great deal of creativity. But the bad side wasn't over yet. I was still very confused as I floated along with my friends' faces in the air. All of our heads were flying together (bodies were not there) which was cool but frightening at the same time. One friend had mirror sunglasses on that I thought contained another world of some sort.
<br>
<br>
At this point in my experience, it was time to go into the concert. As we waited outside the entry gates for our other friends it hit me that I had just had a horrible trip, and I didn't even realize it until then. Though I was still hallucinating for several hours, I pulled myself out of it after indulging in two hours of complete chaos and hell. I confirmed with one of my friends that I just 'freaked out' and was completely stunned as to how it happened. I was fine the rest of the trip, but I felt very strange and couldn't stop thinking about why it happened.
<br>
<br>
I took a break from doing LSD for a while and I've only done it one time since my bad experience. My last experience was wonderful, but I don't know if I'll ever do it again. I wanted to end my experiences on a good note. But I've now realized just how powerful LSD really is. I only took one hit and one brownie and I was done for. I'm thankful that I didn't eat anymore that day because it could've been 100 times worse.<!--I would advise to anyone that is ever thinking about taking LSD to use it with extreme caution. Don't forget how powerful it is, it is a very serious drug and should be used with extreme caution. Even if you've done it a bunch of times, people do have bad experiences, and although I wasn't violent or harmful to myself or anyone during my experience, people have been known lose their minds on the stuff. If your taking psychedelics (or any drugs) be smart and safe, have a friend with you, make sure you're comfortable, don't take more than you need (some stuff takes a while to kick in), don't do it if its not for you.--><!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2009</td><td width="90">ExpID: 82764</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 20</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Sep 12, 2018</td><td>Views: 3,196</td></tr>
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Cannabis (1) : General (1), Combinations (3), Difficult Experiences (5), Bad Trips (6), Festival / Lg. Crowd (24)</td></tr>
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<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
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<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 cig.</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
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<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
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<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">195 lb</td>
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I have had an EXTREME phobia of centipedes my entire life. I am completely fine with other bugs. And even, if there’s a wasp or spider in my room, I will catch it and let it outside. When a centipede crawls across the wall, however, my heart skips, I get very nauseous, and every muscle in my body tightens. Where I live, there are many bugs, and including centipedes, so it’s common to see one. The phobia has been very negative. If I were to see a centipede in my room, and it would get away before I killed it, I could not sleep in my room, out of fear. I would close my room’s vents in the summer time, since that’s where many centipedes come from, but I would be pouring sweat because of it. If I see a centipede, my moral value that it’s not right to kill an insect, completely ceases to exist, due to the crippling fear they give me.
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Last Saturday, May 17th, I had decided to take some LSD. I've taken LSD more than 50 times, and I am pretty familiar with it, I've never had a serious bad trip it either. There would be the occasional odd sensation that would make my heart skip, but nothing serious. I had bought 3 average strength hits a couple days before, and decided to take them on a day that felt right, and when I was in a good mood (something I usually do…I could wait a couple days, or a couple weeks).
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I took the three hits around 10:30 PM, in my room, by myself. I do not recommend taking LSD alone. My brother was in the house so I figured if I had a bad trip, I could go to him. Around 11:30 I went outside and smoked a joint, which I find, sort of sets off the trip. At 11:40 I was walking in, and felt really high on the weed, and I could feel the acid starting. I walked in my room, flung my sandals off, and went to lie down on my couch. At this point I was VERY happy. For a couple hours it was like any trip, I was listening to Daevid Allen’s “Stroking the Tail of the Bird”, and far from this world.
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At around 2:00 AM, I was still listening to music staring across my room, when suddenly, a full grown centipede made its way up the wall. Even though I was high on pot, and tripping on acid, my reaction time was swift. I realized right away that it was a centipede, and a big one. At this point, I became really worried that it would trigger a bad trip; I knew I wasn't in any state to go get a vacuum, or smash it with a shoe. I thought about going to another room, but with my brother downstairs I decided to avoid an awkward confrontation. At this point my heart was pounding. I had all the usual symptoms, nausea, racing heart, and tense muscles, but greatly intensified. As I tried to ignore the effects of the LSD, so I could keep an eye on the centipede, they seemed to intensify. The effects of the LSD were like a blindfold, and being in the same room with my worst fear, while wearing a blindfold is very uncomfortable. I felt like I was on a roller coaster, and I wanted to get off. I was tightly gripping the couch cushions, and I felt like screaming.
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As I was staring at the centipede I felt I was being pulled to it, and it looked like it was getting closer. I also felt like I was merging with it, which made me jerk around, as if it was crawling up my leg. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore, and I sort of plopped over onto my side, with my head on the armrest of the couch. I was staring at the centipede still, it would move across the wall a little, and stop, sometimes disappearing behind a book shelf. I began to take deep breaths, and calm myself down. As I stared at it, I remember that there were translucent clouds of colors, originating from the centipede, and moving out like a ripple. I continued staring at the centipede, and all of the sudden a felt a calming wave. I began to see not the centipede, but its being. I had a feeling that the centipede and I, were in some other plane of existence. Not a human and a centipede, but two identical beings. I was completely focused on it, and I felt that it was completely focused on me. It was like we were telepathically connected. I immediately realized what was happening, and I was stunned. It brought me extreme joy, that I had the privilege to have something in my body that could strip away my most intense phobia. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">It brought me extreme joy, that I had the privilege to have something in my body that could strip away my most intense phobia.</div></div> I began to deeply think about the centipede, and its life. I thought about all the centipedes I've smashed or vacuumed up. They come to my room, and see it as a warm, dry, paradise, only to be killed. I thought, in my whole life, a centipede has never attacked me, and would actually run away from me. By the time I started to focus in on my surroundings again, the centipede was gone. Knowing that there was a centipede somewhere in my room, out of view, didn't bother me one bit. Once again, I was amazed at the capabilities of LSD. The rest of the trip went well. I watched 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas', and 'Alice in Wonderland', and honestly didn't think on bit about the centipede.
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I was up the whole night, and the next morning I went down to eat breakfast. I went outside with a cup of coffee and sat in my hammock. I had the usual post-LSD glowing, refreshing feeling. I thought about everything that had happened the previous night, and I was still shocked at what happened. A couple days later, I was watching TV late, around 2:30 AM, when I saw a small centipede crawl into view. At first, the movement had startled me, but when I saw it, I remembered everything from my trip. Amazingly I didn't feel nauseous, or stiff. I could ignore it, and go back to watching TV. I soon went to bed, and as I was falling asleep, I felt really good, and had the sort of feeling I would get from doing charitable work. The same exact thing happened last night too.
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This experience has made me even more amazed with the power of LSD. I had always heard about how it can stop alcoholism, and help solve problems in peoples’ lives, but never have I heard of it instantly destroying a phobia. My idea is, the LSD forced me to face my fear of centipedes, except it, and then see the centipede in a totally different way, and that stayed with me.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2008</td><td width="90">ExpID: 71403</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jun 8, 2018</td><td>Views: 3,704</td></tr>
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : General (1), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Health Benefits (32), Alone (16)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
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<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
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<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 2:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">175 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
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<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">145 lb</td>
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</table>
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I utilize Yoga and Meditation as long-term practice in life.
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Some background: I’m a 23-year-old Atheist male, and was diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder at the age of 16. After an inpatient hospital stay, several months of psychotherapy, and an experimental regimen of mood stabilizing pharmaceuticals (Risperdal, Depakote and Trazodone), I was deemed 'okay' and allowed to stop taking my prescriptions. The medications made me feel defective, sick, or like something were wrong with me. I took a pill daily when I woke up, which made me feel dependent on the pill and I thought, 'I’ll always have to take this dumb pill every day.” The side effects were immensely displeasing, and I didn’t like that dependent feeling at all. In turn, I made up my mind to say the 'right,' things, while genuinely using the psychotherapy sessions to help me as best I could. I needed to get the green light off that prescribed garbage. I was soon weaned off the Depakote (the main pill I took daily).
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Meanwhile, I always had a keen interest in exploring the realm of consciousness on my own, under my own terms, in my own set and setting. So, after finding a Pure Source, I took to psychedelic drugs for healing, and I experienced spiritual awakening along the way. “Awakening” is a term/concept I wrestle with because it feels disingenuous to suggest that I have a better understanding of how things are than the 'average,' person. However, “Awakening,” is a pretty solid description of my psychedelic experiences, so I suppose I claim it, still with a healthy dose of skepticism. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">“Awakening,” is a pretty solid description of my psychedelic experiences, so I suppose I claim it, still with a healthy dose of skepticism.</div></div> This story is the most beneficial psychedelic trip I've had (so far).
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I’m a History Major in college because history and social studies are basically the only academic pursuits that really “click' with me. I enjoy learning the history of how things came to be. I feel the study of history is the only true way to understand one’s current position and how one gets there. I enjoy philosophy as well and wish to pursue that field of study further.
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For many years I confidently claimed Atheism, but I have recently taken significant interest in Hinduism. Taking Humanities in college introduced me to The Bhagavad Gita. I am currently reading a small paperback copy of The Gita, which was passed onto me through a series of events that could only be explained by the ever-giving and wonderful loving Karma of the Universe. I wouldn't have purchased this book (Remember: Staunch Atheist), but it was given to me by a Rasta-Man while I was on a journey…so obviously I have to read thru it, lol. I’m on Chapter 4 (Transcendental Knowledge).
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Okay, enough exposition, onto the CandyFlip. As of this writing, the Trip was approx. 1 year ago. I originally planned to watch the movie Inception, but I ended up staying in my room instead. I smoked some weed to enhance the experience. I dropped LSD first (one tab blotter with dolphins printed on it) and at two hours in, I dosed 175 mg of MDMA.
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The come-up on acid was pretty intense, as it usually is for me. First, I noticed my laptop was kind of swirling around in front of me. Both the image on screen was swirling, and also the laptop itself. It’s a familiar thing I look for when I’m about to blast off. The swirly laptop began about 15-20 minutes after placing blotter under my tongue. I swallowed the blotter after 45 minutes or so. During the acid come-up, I watched some trippy videos online.
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As I prepared to dose the MDMA, a light-bulb of an idea came into my head: talking myself through some underlying psychological issues that I’d been pondering (this was an idea I’d read about previously in a report). My bed is very comfortable and makes for an optimum setting. My younger brother was in the other room on the TV, anyway, so if I wanted to watch Inception, I’d have had to interrupt him. I decided to stay in my room. Listening to music is one of my favorite things to experience while on LSD. I’m able to hear the music on a deeper level than when sober. It’s hard to explain in words, but somehow I just feel the music more. The Positive Acid Vibrations are intense, and I feel them throughout my entire body at this point. I repeat to myself over and over throughout the trip just how wonderful and amazing this experience is.
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At two hours (peak of the come-up), I dosed 175mg MDMA, and I began recording the talk-therapy on my phone. I was able to address at least two major issues from my childhood. I’d repressed some memories far back in my mind to the point of blocking them out entirely, and this trip brought the memories to the forefront in a way I’d never experienced before. I was finally able to accept the way things were, and what had happened. I was able to accept them not with anger and resentment, as I’d done before, but with love and compassion for myself and my family. It is great to know what actually happened, to truly look forward now, and be able to finally move on. Or, at least, to better understand my path and the direction in which I am moving. As with most of my psychedelic experiences, it didn't take long for the MDMA to kick in. I’d say, probably 10 minutes, and I felt a surge of love, emotions, and euphoria rush throughout my entire body.
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The Candy-Flip was super intense, almost like a turbo boost, because my mind was flooded with a seemingly endless stream of thoughts and feelings all at once. My thoughts were coming in very fast, and continuously branched off into different directions. Time seemed to pause…Or more-so, it seemed that time didn't exist; I was simply in the moment and euphoric. Although I could see the time changing on a clock in the room, the relevance of those numbers wasn't present or apparent to me. Sometimes it seemed as if my thoughts would collide into each other. And at one point, I felt this weird/cool sensation of being able to move thoughts from one side of my brain to the other. It felt really cool to be able to follow a thought around inside my mind and to be able to shift them to different parts of my brain. It’s difficult to describe the phenomenon, but it was totally amazing to feel that much in tune with my own consciousness. Although I’d done psychedelics before, this feeling was totally novel to me.
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I remember being glad to have been recording the Session, for two reasons: 1. Talking out loud helped prevent the common MDMA Side-Effect of chattering teeth. 2. So I’d be able to review the session &amp; integrate later on, once I’d sobered up. What I was experiencing was an intense awareness of the connectivity of all beings through some Divine Source…this is something that flies in the face of my claim of Atheism, and so it’s quite a bit for my mind to handle. In some ways I am still integrating the trip now, a year later.
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Irony or some sense of coincidence struck me as I realized my night of simply re-watching Inception had turned into something much more valuable than I’d planned beforehand, and all due to my karma and the wisdom/healing potential of psychedelics. The thoughts that followed in this self-talk therapy session also helped me overcome some issues with respect to my diagnosis of Bi-Polar Disorder. For many years after I got off the Depakote, I denied to myself that I had BPD. I tried to pretend I was fine, and that everything was okay. But my mood swings, and anger issues had been on the way to destroying some relationships with those I was closest to. My denial of the way things are, how my mind works, etc., lead to me being a ticking time-bomb, just waiting to explode on those who didn't give me my way. During this trip, I was able to perceive myself outside of my own Ego, and I came away with the understanding (and acceptance) that my symptoms clearly fall into the realm of BPD. I remember the precise moment when this happened. Again, it was almost like a light-bulb shined brightly in my mind: “I am Bi-Polar. Whoa!! It all makes sense now...”
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I no longer deny my diagnosis; I understand it for what it is. And for how it affects me. This understanding has helped me find ways to maintain my balance (Meditation, Yoga, Positive Affirmations), and ensure that my mood swings don’t take over my normal, extremely positive demeanor. Before, when I was denying the fact I was bipolar, I’d have temper tantrums if things didn't go the way I wanted, and I never thought to attribute that to Bi-Polar, I would just argue until I got my way. In my mind, I was not bipolar. Before psychedelics, I attributed the diagnosis to foolish doctors who didn't really understand me and just wanted to label me. Now, with the understanding that I exhibit Bi-Polar symptoms, I’m able to notice ahead of time before things go down a negative path. Or if I feel a manic or depressive episode coming on, I’m able to circumvent the resulting bad behavior &amp; get back to my sense of Balance &amp; Inner Peace. Meditation and yoga help me a lot more than the psychotropic medications ever did. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">Meditation and yoga help me a lot more than the psychotropic medications ever did.</div></div>
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Finally, after a few hours of healing, I ventured out into the other room and spent time with my brother, getting to know him on a deeper level. I work a lot and don’t get to spend as much time with him as I’d like, but this night was perfect: We just talked, I learned about the games he likes to play, his friends, thought processes, etc. And I expressed my true purpose to him more clearly than I’d really ever been able to previously.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2013</td><td width="90">ExpID: 103902</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 22</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Sep 28, 2018</td><td>Views: 3,126</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=103902&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=103902&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), MDMA (3) : Alone (16), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Combinations (3)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
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<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
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<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">4 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
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<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
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<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">150 lb</td>
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At the time I took this, I was also taking 10mg of Prednisone and 35 mg of methotrexate bi-weekly for my psoriatic arthritis.
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2:30 pm: I dropped 4 tabs of LSD. Went in with positive mind set. To help me not be hungry during, I had a fruit smoothie that was prepared for me by my friend A.
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2:40pm: When it started there was a feeling of being very overwhelmed. Describing it simply as “muscle fatigue” would be inaccurate but it did seem like it, mixed with that restless leg feeling a person sometimes gets when they are very tired and haven't yet gone to bed. Instead of being in the legs however, it was in the back of my neck and shoulders. It made me tingle a little so I'd try to stretch and yawn, even take a few deep breaths to relieve it but nothing worked. I told my friend A I had this intense feeling that I “needed relief from.” He seemed to understand and said that the LSD was just making me feel pains that I usually ignored.
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I wanted to take a walk outside because my first trip went bad, and I remembered that I felt a little boxed in the first time. This time I wanted a much different trip so my and A agreed that showing me his neighborhood would be perfect for allowing me to get out and go on a walk if I felt I needed a change. He showed me around and I remember feeling different and slowly noticing a difference in my perception. Also to note, throughout most of the trip but particularly at the beginning before the “peak,” I got this weird shuddering feeling and felt very shaky at times. Particularly in my jaw.
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When we got back in I noticed the color schemes. Everything was so beautiful. I noticed a rainbow centered around A's dining table. The way everything was set up it was like one corner was red and the plants took care of the blue and green on the opposite side. When I pointed it out A said he couldn't see it. I noticed it because I believed that these things (patterns and specific “programed signs”) were all around us all of the time but that our brains are designed not to notice them so that we don't realize we are in a simulation. I kept this incredibly hard-to-articulate thought to myself for obvious reasons. (My speech was turning into rubbish). I remember we returned outside briefly to relax while the sun was still out. This is when I first noticed actually visual distortions as some might call “fractals.” I made my hands into a triangle for some reason (think of Tien's Tri-beam cannon from Dragonball, if you're familiar with the series), and inside of the “window” I saw all kinds of different distortions and colors. It also made a bubble-like affect. Around my hands themselves the corners of this bubble were blue. I was so fascinated and I looked over at A to notice him being amused at my wonder. When I looked away from my hands the visual distortions had spread to everything else as well. My hands now left long trails behind them when I moved them, with my glowing fingertips highlighting the shadows left by my hands. I think it was the way my fingernails themselves were reflecting the sunlight.
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There was an intense sensation of deja vu with this trip. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">There was an intense sensation of deja vu with this trip. </div></div>Not like the regular deja vu when I feel like I've “been here before” or are “re-experiencing a memory.” Rather it was like I have had a very similar trip before with the same after image affects and the same distortions and emotional intensity. But I have never done 4 tabs of LSD or any similarly strong substance before. I couldn't place it nor explain it. It seems like I've watched movies or shows with these same effects in them but the references escape me, except maybe the scene in the movie Wanted where he shoots the wings off of the flies. There was no describing the level of familiarity I felt, almost like a lost memory just below the surface.
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Visual and touch sensations also became distorted. My hands felt as if they were growing and shrinking at the same time. A and I would take another walk and A would find a rock and pass it to me. I felt it in my hand and I felt as if my hands would shrink and grow at the same time. I said to A that the rock was one and everything. (Whatever that meant but sometimes I would talk just to fill the silence). It sounded profound to me and then I noticed that the rock really did have aspects of everything when it was in my hand. The heat from the sun, the cool from the shade underneath, the air I felt under it too, there was my flesh and the stone, but most importantly light and darkness. I felt as if this rock had a power to it and wanted to hold onto it so I did.
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Unlike with my first trip my heart wasn't beating too fast, in fact according to my fitbit my heart rate was very normal and sometimes even calmer than usual. There were times I felt euphoric in this trip. Also, going back inside I noticed a lot of things had shells around them, not just lights. As if looking at them through a prism or a mirror angled at another mirror in a specific kind of way. This led me to the conclusion that all of reality was “light reflected through glass.” After images began to become so obvious that they trailed slowly behind my hands. (Reference Hunter X Hunter when the old man uses his nen to hit Pitou before they attack the Ant King. There were distinct afterimages but all of them were a part of the image). There were at least seven after images to everything (I'm re-iterating this, the trails become more obvious by this point). Birds left long, mostly black with a bit of bright color vibrating through, trails behind them as they flew. Cars also did the same but the colors would match the cars.
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I got to a point where I felt sleepy. When I came back inside the second or third time, I forget which it was, I had brought the rock with me and A had taken it to put it away. I was feeling tired somehow, sleepy even, and decided to briefly lay down while A went to take care of his pets. As I lay there, I noticed symbols forming when my eyes were closed and when they were open too. I saw a person who looked like a mixture between a goddess and a man. In my mind this being was kind of like a guardian of some kind but I think it also had a bit of myself mixed in. This person/entity had many arms and gave off a very strong Hindi kind of look/vibe. I saw the symbols taking on Egyptian and Hindi qualities, although I cannot remember them clearly anymore. Some of them may have been alchemic symbols. They aligned themselves to three sides, one set on top, the other sets on the right and left. The ones on the right and left began to glow blue and red on opposite sides. (An entire side would be highlighted by only one color). The top never got to glow but I think it was about to when A came in. I was sure something awesome was going to happen because I think the symbols were going to combine together or do something like a spell. But I guess I'll never know. Upon being awoken from this I remember thinking I had seen many feathers around the room, but there weren't any when I actually looked. I thought they were like a male peacock's feathers but it must have been from the mental images I had seen of that one entity.
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During this trip I saw many many symbols of which only some I can remember that stuck out to me. Of these symbols, all of which moved constantly, and some of which were filled with color, while others were transparent and had a glowing kind of iridescent outline. Some of them I could look at and see part of them, move my eyes and see another part, and move them back to see the original part. It was kind of like looking at eye floaters but way more complex and beautiful.
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One of the symbols I saw resembled the “Cube of Metatron” which is also coincidentally my phone's lock screen. The largest symbol I saw, which was kind of faint to look at, was the Flower of Life, except it just kept going on and was everywhere. I'm not too familiar with their names, but when I saw them I realized I've seen these signs before and consulted Dr. Google. While watching television I noticed a lot of them and in the center was a six-armed swastika. I couldn't find anything quite like this, but it was thick and had rounded ends. One of the trippiest symbols I saw, however, was something like a triskele (a Gaelic triangle-looking thing). It was purple and had other colors too, was kind of transparent and moved.
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<br>
A's head looked like it was vibrating intensely. This trip was getting really strong by now. Emotions felt more powerful so I knew I had to tread carefully here. This was around the time the symbols would be constantly there, kind of like how fractals are described. Fractals were there too. I decided that maybe I should go watch TV with A. A ended up falling asleep so I got out my headphones and started listening to music videos. My favorite one was Umbrella by Rihanna. Under the influence of LSD I realized this song was a masterpiece. I will also note that even though the songs seemed longer and there was obvious music euphoria, the drug-induced music pleasure wasn't quite up to par with what DXM could do to music. This is just my opinion though, other people may have the opposite affect with them.
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<br>
I had gone to the restroom at some point and looked in the mirror. I noticed a wrinkle on my forehead and the white hairs on the side of my head that are mostly hidden. This bugged me because I haven't accomplished much in life and I'm already seeing the signs of senescence that aging causes us. When I went back to my music I closed my eyes again feeling tired but this time saw something horrifying. I saw a guy in a mirror, not necessarily me or the mirror I saw myself in, and I saw him get shriveled up into something even more shriveled than a mummy. His eyes and teeth all disappeared into black holes in his face, like a skeleton. His horrified face burned into my memory. I knew instinctively that he died lonely, accomplishing nothing and feeling so alone and unwanted. I knew the reason this happened too. There was a Great Evil in the world that drained all things of life, youth, health, and everything good. It was the orchestrator of Death, war, hatred, and deceit. The reason we all die and live horrible lives could be attributed to the fact that we all at one point or another have used its power. To lie, to hurt someone else, to feel envious, to try to empower ourselves... I knew then that the only way to avoid this kind of life where I would die just like that guy would be to try to be a better person. A better Christian. I'm not going to get too religious in this report though. I will say that there was a fear of death and that I feared in this death I would be in a place of extreme mental anguish and possibly physical pain as well. I visualized more eye guts and bodily gore than I actually want to describe. I thankfully managed to minimize this by not trying to visualize it so it never manifested into my mental imagery. But it was always there and made my teeth feel very weird. Tripping makes my teeth feel strange anyway though.
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<br>
I afterward realized that the thing we all want the most in the world is the same kind of peace and comfort we got when we were small children being held by our mothers. It's a calm and peace you only got when you were very tiny though, and you lose it over time as you lose your innocence and everything else that makes you adored, special, and full of hope/potential. Once it's gone it's gone and you spend your entire life wishing you could get some of that back in some way. Not necessarily a mother/child bond, but more like a kind of fully loving, fully supportive reassurance that can stave off the bad thoughts, the anxiety, and the fear of the unknown. I would dwell on this thought quite a lot.
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<br>
At one point, while I was listening to music on my phone with my headphones I began to hear all of the sounds of the world at once. It was incredible. I heard the fish tank, I heard crickets, birds outside, and an almost inaudible humming or buzzing sound that's always present but unheard. I referred to all of this noise as “Hidden Chatter.” I was thoroughly convinced that the Universe itself was trying to talk to me. It was both frightening and beautiful at the same time. After my first LSD trip I was always worried that I could easily fall into a bad trip, so I am now always cautious. I was the one that kinda convinced my friend A to try it with me. He loved it, but that first trip really messed me up with anxiety I never knew possible. So now I'm cautious with it. I've also noticed that tripping, particularly on acid, makes me more shy and afraid to share my feeling and opinions. I guess I feel more vulnerable in that state? <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">tripping, particularly on acid, makes me more shy and afraid to share my feeling and opinions. I guess I feel more vulnerable in that state?</div></div> While I was listening to my music earlier I had seen an image in my mind of a woman. A woman I was somehow familiar with but couldn't quite place. I've seen her in advertisements, tv shows, movies, and possibly in passing. I thought this person could be some type of spy or a regulator of the simulation that is Life. I'll do my best to describe her. At first I thought she kind of resembled my crush, but she definitely also resembled a mixture of Tatiana Maslaney and Betsy Beutler, to name a couple, with a very strong resemblance to Chelsey Reist). Sometimes she'd appear to have darker hair and brown irises but mostly she seemed to appear in my mind with the blond hair and lighter eyes. I had so many theories and speculations about this woman. One of which was that I was incapacitated and in a simulation of life and my body was being cared for by her, who was either a supervisor or a nurse. But then my mind started to think that she was me, and that I was remembering who I actually was. It sounds weird but I was briefly worried that I would wake up in her body. At the same time, I thought, if it's my body then I wanted to.
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<br>
I decided at a certain point to go back outside and walk around the neighborhood while A was busy trying to get some sleep. I noticed that there were a lot more neighbors than I thought there'd be so I was kind of paranoid about that. I remember trying to keep calm and remain “cool” while I walked by some of them because I was a stranger here and didn't want to have to interact, especially with my speech and comprehension extremely compromised. During one of my laps around the neighborhood I noticed that there were children playing. I was walking and suddenly one boy shouts something indiscernible to his mother. She tells him “No, get back inside” etc, something, I'm guessing because she's never seen me before. The kid then starts shouting louder and louder, and I assume he's trying to follow me too. “No! That's him! THAT'S HIM!!!! THAT'S THE GUY!!!!!!” is what my hilariously drugged up mind thought he was saying, even though I couldn't actually hear what was being said. I don't know this neighborhood or anyone in it so I get worried and try to remain calm as I walk away. When I get back to A's house I make the executive decision to stay in his yard, away from any obnoxious brats.
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<br>
I try to get relaxed but no matter what I do it seems the only place I can feel the breeze, which really helps the euphoria start in, is to be sitting in the middle of the grass. I obviously cannot walk around the neighborhood anymore, no matter how good the air feels. A couple jogs by, seeing me kneeling by my friend's car. I decide that it looks suspicious as hell so I move to the center of the yard and lay down in the grass. I am watching the sun setting and am enjoying the view of the clouds in the sky.
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<br>
When I'm looking at them I see some of them changing shape, slowly. I see a big bird in the clouds, like a phoenix. I also see swords pointing straight down at me. Clouds can't do that unless it is a funnel cloud but that looks different. This more so resembled one of those checkpoints in a video game that shoots a thin pillar of light upwards. At this point the shapes take on more character-like movements. The clouds, whenever I wasn't thinking, began to move on their own and turned into armored warriors, some of them on horses. I saw so many horses up there. I've never seen clouds that look like horses before. I look away for a second and look back only to see that all of the warriors have been impaled by gigantic white arrows. All but one, who stands in the center of the rest of the fallen soldiers. I think the imagery is really cool. I'm a bit confused because I cannot tell if he is riding a horse or if he is a centaur. Either one is still pretty bad-ass.
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<br>
The sun goes down slowly and I can feel my thoughts betraying me. I begin once again thinking about that shriveled up mummy-looking guy, the one that represented that evil force in the world that decays all things. Thoughts like “no one will ever love you” and “you'll die alone, in agony, and then you'll rot in Hell” casually glance by me. I gravitate towards them for brief atto seconds and then shake myself out of it, not wanting to experience that level of misery. I notice the street lights now have these shells around them.
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<br>
(Keep in mind, it's been a few months since this happened, I'm just now finishing this trip report in September because of a lack of time and procrastination. Also, I took shrooms on the last day of July so for some reason that makes it harder to remember the timings of this one). (So I took the shrooms around 2:30 pm, and the sun goes down some time around 7:30 or 8 in the summer if I'm not mistaking. The peak was definitely between 6 pm and 7pm because I was watching music videos and noticed that some of the people became extremely distorted and everything took on much deeper meanings and became a lot more personal. Also that was sometime around the “Hidden Chatter” which felt kind of like my head was ringing. I think after the sun went down I was slowly but surely tapering off).
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I remember I wanted to watch anime shows or movies but my friend didn't know what to put on, so he turns on Netflix and tells me to choose. But I'm super high right now so making choices seems an insurmountable task made even harder by my heightened insecurity about my own likes. He ends up turning to a bunch of stuff I don't even want to watch. Some of it was pretty graphic, which I still think even sober that it was intentional because he's talked about tripping and watching horror things before. But those are passing thoughts. He's a very good friend and one of the only people in the universe I trust to that degree. But while I was tripping I perceived a lot of what he said as dismissive, like how you'd talk to a child that had too much sugar for breakfast. A thought that came to mind was “You're supposed to be a trip sitter, not a baby sitter.” I did feel stupid trying to explain some things, mostly because my words didn't work. The thoughts were there but the words weren't so what came out of my mouth was incoherent babble.
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<br>
Later in the night we decided to walk around the street. I notice that even now the street lights had the shells around them and they were beautifully multi-colored. Instead of the usual star-shape that bright lights have around them, they had an oblong yet octagonal shape, with pointed corners and multiple layers. It looked vastly different. Even car headlights looked insanely different, I'd say futuristic sometimes because they'd look like a merged line with the lights on the corners.
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<br>
When we passed by one of the houses I perceived something that looked like a gigantic bacterium wrapping itself around a street lamp. It was like an anaconda, but segmented, see-through, and had this energy vibrating off of it. It glowed on the edges. I wasn't sure what the hell it was and I tried asking A but he was in his own little world and just told me to stay off of that neighbor's property and to stop pointing. I asked him later what it was and he said it was probably a security system. I asked “What kind of security system looks like that? I've never seen that in my life.” He said “Probably because you were high.” Yet for some reason he was unable to describe what it looked like to me when I was sober. I have theories about that for another time.
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<br>
Anyway, we spent an inordinate amount of time walking just for the hell of it, at night time on the side of the road. We walked through a few neighborhoods, me making note of how beautiful they were. When we finally got back, and trust me I wanted to get back before the LSD wore off because I felt myself getting more sober by the minute, we turn the tv back onto Netflix. Some show that is an accumulation of bad movies with three characters that talk during the movie about how bad it is. It's pretty amusing, and I find it to be one of the more enjoyable parts of the trip involving tv. There's also this very dumb movie called Yoga Hosiers which we watched before that aforementioned “movie night” show. After A goes to sleep on the couch I start seeing that one person who looked like kind of like Chelsey Reist again. Actually, I never stopped seeing her in my mind. I kept thinking I was in a simulation and that she was the real me, which was disorientingly arousing in a weird way.
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<br>
By morning the trip has pretty much worn off. I'm starting to feel negative feelings for some reason. Me and A go for another walk, and I feel extremely dirty. Weirdly enough I am getting depressed the more sober I get. When we get inside and I'm busy getting my things ready to leave I decide to have a couple of Not Your Father's root beers because I had heard that alcohol can help negate the affects of a trip. I feel as if the depression would be too much to handle. Honestly I can't say that it works because I think it could, but at the same time if depression is part of the come down alcohol won't help with that specific part.
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<br>
By the time I go home I just want to be close to my parents. I can't explain it. I feel like there's something missing from my life and that feeling is really strong after acid, and persists long after it's out of my system, for months even. It's probably partly a lack of sleep, so when I get home, and shower I try to go to sleep. The only problem is that in the come down of acid it's hard to want to be alone because of the depression. But the depression is rough because of the tiredness. It's a Catch 22. I finally get to sleep because no one is home anyway, and eventually after that I am back to normal and actually feel a lot less depressed and sad than I've felt since my first LSD trip.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2018</td><td width="90">ExpID: 112405</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 27</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Oct 4, 2018</td><td>Views: 1,589</td></tr>
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Depression (15), Combinations (3), General (1)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
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<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
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<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
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<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
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<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
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<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">47 kg</td>
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</table>
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<!-- Start Body -->
To give you some backstory, I lived six years with the fear of vomiting, so I stayed away from all drugs, including weed. This year though, I started liberating myself. First I tried some Ecstacy and I absolutely loved it. After some trips, I did cocaine but I never felt any effect. Meanwhile I began to smoke weed and drink a bit more. So when I was offered an LSD dose, I was finally calm and ready. I have to mention also that all substances (except cocaine) have a strong effect on me in small doses, maybe because I am very thin, or my system is like this, I don't know.
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<br>
Anyway, I was invired by a friend to attend a psy-trans festival. His name is Fabio. With us came another friend, Elena. We went as volunteers. The first night we did cocaine, the second some shitty MDMA, and the third LSD. All this while smoking weed during the day.
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The festival was small and calm. There was a house with kitchen, bathroom and space to hang around for the volunteers. We immediately felt like home and met many nice people. It was the kind of place where you forget your tobacco somewhere and nobody touches it. People were talking about drugs freely. The second day I was already feeling like home. It was an ideal setting for my first acid trip. The third night, the three of us took one dose each.
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PART 1- FREEDOM – I was sitting with Elena outside the volunteer house when I started feeling some effect. I got anxious and a bit nauseous, mainly because I had no idea what would follow. But I was relatively calm, no comparison to the anxiety of the first times I did Ecstacy. In one moment all the negative feelings were gone, and I realized I couldn't stop laughing. Me and Elena made this fantasy about Fabio, that he is a huge cat, and she wants to take him home and feed him. It seemed so funny at the moment that we ended up crying and falling off the bench.
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After this, we went to the main stage were we found Fabio and for the first time in my life I danced 100% comfortably in front of other people. I couldn't even dance properly but I didn't give a fuck. Actually this made me laugh even more. I felt the music entering inside me and guiding my moves. At some point I started jumping (cause walking was not enough) towards Fabio and I shouted at him something like “Thank you so much for this trip, its crazyyyy”, and continued dancing.
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We went back to the volunteer house and passing from the bathroom I looked at myself in the mirror, seeing only pure beauty. It was something beyond the concept of beauty; I am beautiful because I exist. Then we ran like children to a hill above the stage. Meanwhile somebody had sprayed everything white there. It looked like snow. I ran like a child shouting “Merry Christmas”. We continued dancing and I remember these moments as absolutely liberating. I was jumping around, saying stuff like “Nothing really matters” and “I don't give a shit”. At some point during this delirium I stopped to watch a tree. I had never seen a tree in this way before. I was astounded by its complexity and beauty. Then, I don't know why but I cut a leaf. I immediately felt like crying. I was asking myself why the hell would I destroy something so beautiful. I started caressing the tree in an effort to apologize. After a while I went back to dancing.
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PART 2 – NATURE- We moved towards a trail that brought us in the middle of nature. Immediately I felt the magic of the trees and the plants. I was exactly where I wanted to be. Elena was following butterflies. We spent hours walking and resting, walking and resting. The first time I sat down, I opened my tobacco and I found inside a fluo yellow <!--lace-->string. I put it around my neck and I couldn't stop playing with it and watching it. The color seemed amazing. I had never watched the flowers and the trees so profoundly. I could see every detail and I was amazed by their complexity and beauty. We were dressed in comfortable clothes that looked a bit like pyjamas. We agreed soon enough that we were attending a pyjama party in nature.
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Elena started putting leafs in my hair. We had some blueberries with us and spontaneously we rubbed them on each other's face. Never in my life have I felt more part of this planet. The sense of gravity was crazy. I felt like a mix of a child and an animal. After a while Elena became in my eyes a forest nymph that was guiding me through this trip. I was one of her followers. We were walking in nature more comfortable than ever. We were one with our surroundings. Meanwhile almost everything made us laugh. I didn't care if I got dirty or if I destroyed my clothes. Everything was worth this feeling. Only the idea that I would come down made me sad.
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I don't know how much time we spent in nature. I had lost the concept of time. When we came back to the festival we all felt uncomfortable around people that were not part of our trip, so we went to a river nearby. I was finally coming down. It felt ugly. We smoked some weed. I had three puffs. After about five minutes I felt the effect of acid coming back. This time different. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">We smoked some weed. I had three puffs. After about five minutes I felt the effect of acid coming back. This time different.</div></div>
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PART 3 – THE INSIDE TRIP – I got nauseous and I was convinced I would vomit. I went a bit far from the others but I didn't vomit. I started walking around and after a while I realized I was hallucinating. We were again in nature but this time nature was ugly. There was trash around and many insects. When I was looking down I was seeing a million insects. I knew they were in my head but it made me uncomfortable. I walked around searching for a safe space. I had the impression of people watching me, calling me, but there was nobody. I didn't panic though. Everything was under control, I just had to make myself comfortable again.
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I touched almost every tree on the riverside. This time, after smoking weed, the trip became more profound and personal. I spent a lot of time touching the trees, watching them like never before. But one tree seemed special to me. I kept going back to it. In the end I hugged it and I closed my eyes. I felt its heart beating. My heartbeat was syncronized with its. I was connected with the whole universe in these moments. All the beauty, wisdom and complexity of nature were inside me. It was so intense that I felt aroused.
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I opened my eyes and I started touching the tree the way I would touch a lover. With every touch I could feel the waves of pleasure I was offering to it and this aroused me even more. And then, I saw its vagina. It was in front of my face. Without hesitation I licked it. Then I climaxed. It was the most intense orgasm I ever had. I can't say for sure but I think it lasted a minute. I was feeling inside me the ages of evolution of the earth. I know it sounds perverse but in that moment, under the effect of acid, it felt natural and beautiful. The feeling of arousal remained for at least an hour.
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I needed to move so I returned alone in the festival. But I was feeling uncomfortable around people. My cat came to me. He was purple. I went to the other side of the house hoping there were no people. A volunteer came to me and started talking about some fires back in my country. I was unable to respond normally. Then another cat came close to me. I was watching every detail, the eyes, the fur. It was absolutely beautiful. I could understand everything he was feeling. I felt like I could talk to him. I decided to return to nature.
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I found a calm spot and I lied down. I realized that if I focused on something it started transforming. So I played a bit. It was like watching television. I enjoyed it because I knew it was all in my head. The leafs, the trees, the sky, the branches, became animals, people, cartoons. It was time to reflect on stuff profoundly. I saw my real self. Everything was so clear. In the end I fell asleep.I woke up because of the heat. The trip was over. I was tired, stoned but full of thoughts. I was reborn. Immediately, I started to draw. My hand was free. I was free.
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AFTERMATH
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Now, one week after, I am still drawing everyday for hours. I am also taking pictures. I feel an unstoppable need to create. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">Now, one week after, I am still drawing everyday for hours. I am also taking pictures. I feel an unstoppable need to create.</div></div> I can't stay still. I feel lucky to be alive. I also feel sure for myself. True. Pure. Beautiful. I realized that I shouldn't try to fit in situations, because I am already part of the universe. All I have to do is be myself without the fear of rejection. And now I know myself better. I am no more than those trees I was hugging. Their existence is as valuable as mine. So many things that made me anxious now seem unimportant. The depression I felt all those years seems useless. Why I was blocking myself when there is so much to do, to discover, to create? When there is so much beauty in everything? I am ready to face the world with calmness. In the end I am a very small part of a large cycle of life. A very small part of eternity. My life is the most useless and important thing at the same time. I found a place inside of me that I have to take care of. And I know that if I do that, I have nothing to be afraid of. If I keep it pure, clean and full of light nothing can harm me.
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It is hard to describe well this experience, also because english is not my native language. Anything I write cannot come close to the feelings I had. I can say it has been one of the most important experiences of my life. I am changed forever. What acid does, it cuts through the bullshit. It made me see myself profoundly. And the realizations remain. I think I need months to absorb all the information. I am ready to face anything. I am stronger than ever. I feel thankful for everything. <!--If you feel ready, don't hesitate to try it. Just be ready to go deep. --><!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2018</td><td width="90">ExpID: 112242</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 24</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Oct 8, 2018</td><td>Views: 2,215</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=112242&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=112242&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Depression (15), Nature / Outdoors (23), Glowing Experiences (4), First Times (2), Festival / Lg. Crowd (24)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
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<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1.5 tablets</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">125 lb</td>
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<!-- Start Body -->
It was a spur of the moment decision to take acid, which I realize now is not something that you should do with psychedelics. There was an enormous jazz festival at my school and my fiance Delyriem and I thought it would be incredible to watch a jazz concert while tripping. I had listened to jazz on mushrooms before and found it to be hilarious, and so I imagined that it would be a similar experience on acid. What I didn't take into account was the insane amount of stress in my life at the time, and although I know it's a bad idea to take psychedelics when stressed, I didn't really think about it. I had tripped on mushrooms a few times, and had attempted to take acid twice but both times it turned out to be DOB and I didn't trip hard at all because the dose had been too small. We decided to split 3 doses in case it was DOB again, so at least we'd trip a little if it wasn't real acid.
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<br>
We weren't sure if we could get tickets, and didn't want to take the acid until we were sure we got seats, so we didn't take it until about half an hour into the concert. 20 minutes after we took it, it was intermission and I had a sinking feeling that we wouldn't come up until after the concert. However, I did start having some intense visuals a few minutes into the second half of the show, and everything started being abnormally funny. I felt like the musicians were all talking to each other with their instruments. I could understand what the musicians were saying, but knew that it couldn't be put into words. When one of the guest musicians started scatting, it got especially intense and confusing because he was using his voice without actually saying words and so it seemed like he was communicating with the instruments with his voice in a way that I realized no one else could understand except me and Delyriem because we were the only ones with the 'full experience' I thought. I felt incredibly happy, everything was so silly. As soon as the concert was over we stood up and realized we needed to get out of the auditorium immediately because I was in no state to run into people I knew and have to talk. I was just tripping madly.
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<br>
We went back to Delyriem's room, and laid in his loft bed, just laughing about everything. We must have sat there laughing for about an hour, I honestly have no clue what we were talking about, but everything was hilarious. I remember saying things about having two voices, laughing voice and normal voice, because our voices sounded very strange when we were laughing constantly. I was getting some visuals but not as intense as I'd had on mushrooms. We watched the ceiling, the walls, and some optical illusions on his computer. His roommate was in the room, and he knew we were tripping, but then our friend ML came in, who didn't know either of us had done drugs. We tried to act as normal as we could but I could not stop laughing. ML was talking a lot about strange things that Delyriem and I found hilarious, and I had been staring at an optical illusion for a while so her body was swimming around and her face was twisting and melting and I had to pretend that everything was normal. She kept walking in and out of the room and every time she left we would crack up again, for no reason at all. Then she'd come in and we'd try to act normal. I was still having a lot of fun.
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<br>
Our friend Aj had called earlier and wanted to know if we wanted to watch Fear and Loathing in las Vegas. We thought it was a good idea, so at this point we decided to meet her on campus and walk to town to another friend's house to watch the movie. We met up with Aj who was with another friend of ours. They were both sober, but had tripped before so they knew kind of what was going on for us. They said they had to stop at a few places first before going to watch the movie. I didn't really feel comfortable going to any parties, and said I wanted to stay outside and we'd wait for them.
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<br>
As we walked through our small town, I felt like we owned the streets. Everything struck me so funny still, the way we walked through the town, kind of strutting down the sidewalk like we could do whatever we wanted. Everything Aj and our other friend were saying was so funny to me and I kept laughing at everything. I still have no recollection of what we talked about or why it was funny. It was inexplicably hilarious at the time though. We were going to our friend B's house, but he was at the house where a bunch of theater kids lived, playing beer pong. He invited us to come in and I said no, but he said everyone there would be cool with us tripping. I agreed to come in when he said there was a hookah, I wanted to smoke. We went inside and immediately I knew it wasn't the best situation. I saw a bunch of people I knew who I didn't want to know I was doing drugs. I tried to act as normal as I could and ignore that I was tripping.
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<br>
This is when it started to go bad. I realized later that what set me off was trying to act in a normal way, because I couldn't figure out what normal was, and that got me freaked out. The party was full of drunk people, some talking to me. I tried to smile and laugh at the appropriate times, but I had to think really hard to decide when to nod or smile, etc. There was some sort of a bong going around, and I took a hit off of it. My lungs had never felt so strange, the flavor was not at all like what I imagined it would be and it was cold. Startled, I began to cough, and I suddenly couldn't remember what was normal in any sense of the word. I didn't remember how to breathe normally, and continued to cough every few seconds. My throat and lungs burned and every sensation was like I was feeling it for the first time. My tongue in my mouth, the way it felt to swallow...it was all new to me, and I still couldn't remember how to breathe. Delyriem asked if I needed water, and left to get me a glass. The moment he left I got sucked into my head. I was alone in a crowded room. My thoughts were uncontrollable, I had no clue what was going on. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I was alone in a crowded room. My thoughts were uncontrollable, I had no clue what was going on.</div></div> My body felt strange, I was staring into space. I didn't have any visuals at this point so I didn't really remember that I was tripping, I just knew that I felt very strange.
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Suddenly I was outside, I don't remember getting up at all, just sitting on the porch outside. The whole thing was like a dream, like nothing I'd ever experienced in trips before. I was completely disoriented, lost in my mind, hearing people talking but not sure what was going on. I'd piece together things they'd say, but never was really aware of the conversation as a whole. Someone said something about sneaking to a car and I become paranoid, thinking we were hiding from someone. I heard the word 'acid' and suddenly remembered that I'd taken acid. A couple seconds later I forgot again, but remembered almost instantly. The same thought ran through my head every few seconds, 'oh yeah, I took acid. Why was everything so strange? Oh yeah. I took acid. Why do I feel so funny? Oh yeah. I took acid.' Then I realized that I was thinking the same thought and I became freaked out, stuck in a loop of perpetual realization.
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<br>
Everything was a blur, suddenly I was at B's apartment on the couch, watching Fear and Loathing. The movie is hard to follow when I'm sober, but I had no clue what was going on. It was like Johnny Depp was explaining to me what had happened, and every time I heard the word acid in the movie I'd remember again that I'd taken acid, but was never sure if I'd actually forgotten or not since the last time I remembered. I never saw B leave the room, but he seemed to keep coming in the room over and over, sitting down on the couch. He joked that he had a trap door by the couch, and I knew he was joking but I didn't understand how he could keep coming in without leaving unless there was a trap door. Nothing made any sense. I was with Delyriem the entire time but felt distant from him. I was leaning on him while we watched the movie, but the entire time I was stuck in my head, not able to escape. I wanted to talk, and somehow get out of my head, but I didn't know what to talk about. I couldn't remember why I had taken acid. It was supposed to be fun to trip but this wasn't fun. I couldn't remember what it meant to trip. What was that feeling, was it a good one? Then I started getting visuals again and I remembered that visuals were a part of tripping. I felt a little bit of comfort once I started getting visuals because it helped me to feel like I was on a drug, instead of just a state of confusion. I still felt uneasy, and I kept trying to grasp onto the trip and make it fun like it had been in the beginning, just laughing. I would force myself to laugh at the movie, realizing that it was silly and didn't make sense. I knew the nonlinear fashion of the movie was messing with my head, but even though I knew the movie didn't make much sense anyway, I couldn't get out of my mind loop. I continued to feel uncomfortable but wasn't sure why I felt uncomfortable. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I continued to feel uncomfortable but wasn't sure why I felt uncomfortable.</div></div>
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I had to go to the bathroom, so I asked where the bathroom was, and B told me the second stall was the ladies' room, and something about the mens room having a dart board. Because it was a pretty normal apartment I thought he was being figurative or something, it didn't make sense to have a ladies' room. I wandered into the apartment, but couldn't figure out where to go. I walked into a few rooms, looking for a toilet. Finally I stumbled into a room that had two toilet stalls, like in a public bathroom. I stared at them, trying to figure out if I was in a dream...it didn't make any sense to me. I stood for a long time staring at the bathroom. Unsure of what to do next. My body felt strange, I wasn't sure if I actually had to pee or not, or what it felt like to have to pee or not have to pee. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">My body felt strange, I wasn't sure if I actually had to pee or not, or what it felt like to have to pee or not have to pee.</div></div>
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<span class="erowid-caution">[Erowid Note:
Driving while intoxicated, tripping, or extremely sleep deprived is dangerous and irresponsible because it endangers other people. <a href="/chemicals/show_image.php?i=dmt/dmt_contraindications1.gif">Don't do it!</a>]</span>
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Eventually I went back to the room to watch the movie more but I couldn't handle being in my head so I told Delyriem I had to talk. We went in the kitchen and I told him I was in a bad place in my head. He tried to comfort me but somehow he still seemed far away. I didn't know what to talk about, I tried to explain how I was feeling but because my mind still didn't make any sense. I don't remember much else about being there, but eventually B said he'd drive us back. I remembered then that he was really drunk, and said that we could walk back. A few minutes later though I was in the car, forgetting again that he was drunk. We got back into Delyriems room, the first time since we left that I felt in a familiar place. I knew where I was and it seemed a little more normal. I thought it was about time that my trip was over, and I was hoping it would settle down soon. I kept trying to explain what I had been feeling to Delyriem, but as I would explain I would get stuck in my head again and would become afraid. I didn't know if it would ever be normal again. I was close to tears a few times, uneasy about everything that was going on. I wanted to sleep, but my mind wouldn't calm down. I tried to sleep a few times but would jolt back awake in terror after a few moments of restless sleep. I was laying next to Delyriem and wanted to be cuddling with him but I felt exhausted and couldn't get enough energy to pull him close to me. He was clearly worried about me and kept apologizing about me having a bad trip. He tried to bring us back to a silly place like the beginning of our trip but it seemed clear that he was too worried about me to enjoy himself very much.
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I had to go to the bathroom again, and went upstairs. I told myself that I couldn't look in the mirror, knowing I could get stuck looking at myself. I washed my hands, avoiding myself in the mirror, but when I looked up to grab a paper towel I saw my cheeks move, kind of fluttering or twitching. I stared, trying to figure out what I'd seen and so I smiled at myself, and watched in awe as my cheeks moved abnormally fast and kind of shuddered. I began to stare at myself, and watched myself become cartoon-like. I was completely 2-dimensional for a while, then I suddenly realized that I was watching myself, and I was the mirror. I could see the real me through the mirror, but I was separated from myself. I don't know how long I watched myself, before realizing that Delyriem was probably worried about me. I walked back downstairs and Delyriem was at the door waiting for me, alarmed at how long I'd taken. I told him I got stuck in the mirror, trying to explain what I'd seen.
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After laying in bed for a while longer, he told me he couldn't sleep and asked if I would stay awake with him. We got back out of bed and sat facing each other in chairs. I had intense visuals still, after about 7 hours of tripping hard. He started to look like the visuals in Fear and Loathing, his face was bulging in and out, in squares and circles. I couldn't see straight, and just wanted it all to end. I was tired of the visuals, I just wanted Delyriem to look like he normally did instead of a stretched out strange version of him. He kept looking cartoonish, and I could see all the colors in his hair instead of just brown, I saw green and purple strands that mixed to make what looked like brown. I had never had such intense visuals so far into a trip. It was starting to hurt my eyes because the intensity of the colors, and being unable to focus. Eventually around 6 or 7 in the morning I drifted off to sleep after many more terrifying failed attempts. I was afraid to sleep because I thought that because tripping was kind of like a dream, it meant that I would have to go through a few more hours of tripping before waking up to normalcy. I had an entire night of nightmares, and even when I woke up at noon the next day I felt disoriented and out of place. For a few hours after being awake I couldn't decide if my thoughts were normal again, couldn't figure out what it was like to be conscious. I was afraid that I would never wake up from the trip, that I would never be the same or figure out how I thought normally. I imagined becoming schizophrenic, kind of tripping for the rest of my life. Delyriem and I talked continuously about the trip, trying to work it out in my head what had happened and why I felt the way I did. Before going to sleep we had looked at a reputable harm reduction website's<!--erowid--> facts about LSD to assure me that I would be okay, and I kept trying to reassure myself. I finally started to feel normal in the late afternoon, able to sort my thoughts out.
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I know now that I was way too stressed about life at the moment to have taken a psychedelic, and I realize that I should not take such powerful drugs so spur of the moment. Delyriem and I decided that we need a break from psychedelics for at least a while, which was really sad to decide, but we knew it was for the best until we felt ready again.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2008</td><td width="90">ExpID: 70308</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Oct 21, 2018</td><td>Views: 1,920</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=70308&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=70308&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : General (1), Difficult Experiences (5), Bad Trips (6), Music Discussion (22), Various (28)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">166 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(powder / crystals)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">85 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(powder / crystals)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 2:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
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<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">180 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I’m not exactly sure how to start to describe this life-changing experience of mine, so I’ll do it with some background. I’ve changed a lot in the last year or so. I started smoking cannabis on a pretty regular basis about a year ago and it slowly made me start to think differently about damn near everything. Politics, religion, life, ego, and love you name it. I became interested in other mind opening drugs and tried LSD for the first time about 8 months ago. It blew my mind open; I instantly fell in love with Lucy. My interest in altered states of consciousness exploded after that. Up until where this trip report starts I had done LSD 3 times, shrooms twice, and MDMA 3 times. My sources were always street dealers who wildly overpriced and overhyped their product but I was fine with that as long as I still got the experience I was looking for. For this experience I had acquired my chemicals on a certain anonymous marketplace that allows for much better quality control and more accurate dosage descriptions. Between my tripping buddy, we’ll call him B, and I were two hits of 100ug LSD and a 500mg bag of crystal MDMA. Since I don’t have a mg scale we split the bag in half and said we would do 2/3 of it first and the rest as a redose. This candyflip was to be at a big EDM festival in California, 50k+ people.
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Also with us for this trip is my best friend, we’ll call her C. I can honestly say this girl is my truest friend. For 5 years we’ve been inseparable. Her family is like my family and her house is my second home. She’s never been into any type of drugs, the occasional party drinking is about it. The one time she smoked weed she shotgunned a massive hit off a blunt from me that I shouldn’t have gone so hard on, and hated the rest of her night. My bad lol.
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Anyways we’ve been really close for a long time and as long as I can remember I’ve always felt something “more” for her than just our extremely close friendship. It doesn’t help that she’s seriously one of the most beautiful girls you’d ever meet, downright stunning. I’ve never said anything to her about that out of pure fear, she literally terrifies me. The thought of her not feeling the same and it having a negative effect on our friendship is unbearable so I’ve never even thought about bringing it up. Not to mention my self esteem has always been shit. About 6 months ago she moved across the country with her piece of shit boyfriend at the time and we had a sort of falling out. After he treated her like shit for a few months she came back home and we were together again, like nothing had even happened. It was then that I realized she really is the only friend I truly need. Since her return this feeling that I really do love this girl and want to be with her plagued my mind every hour of every day and only got worse as time went on. I had invited her on this trip because of my experience at EDC earlier that year and knew she would love it. Also in the back of my mind was this sort of hope that maybe just maybe while under the influence of the candyflip I could muster up the courage to tell her how I really felt to some degree, or would find the clarity of thought to really know my feelings for her. I could have never expected what was to come.
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Fast forward to the day of the event. As soon as B and I get through the line we drop our molly at about 7 PM. I left about a third of mine in the bag for a redose during my trip, B downed about 85% of his. At T+30 we put the tab on our tongues.
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T+1:30 noticing that we still are pretty much baseline, B maybe a little high, we decide to say fuck it and drop the rest of our girl Molly. The first DJ we get to is playing some pretty weird stuff, not very good to dance to, and it doesn’t really make us come up at all. We head for another stage and I grab the menthol inhaler I brought and take a couple good whiffs. That shit SHOT me up on the E. About 5 minutes later and I am definitely coming up hard.This is at T+2. We walk around to go towards the main stage and find this nice grassy hill with a few people chilling on it and decide to take a seat and just wait for our shit to hit us harder. After about 5 minutes C reminds me there is this guy friend of hers, call him Ant, at the far side of the event who she wants to get a drink from (being 20 still) because she’s sober Sally tonight. I tell B that me and her are going to find him and let him know to stay exactly where he is. He is coming into his acid trip and is rolling hard so has no problem just chilling there getting lightshowed lol.
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At T+2.5 I am fully rolling and the acid is starting to come into full effect ++. C and I walk to the tent where this guy is. One look at him and I see why she likes him so much. A real physical specimen I guess you could say. She introduces me and he greets me with a “You wanna smoke this blunt with me?” I immediately tell C “He’s a fuckin good guy!” to which she replies with “I told you! He’s awesome.” and continue smoking the cannabis. I saw her eyes light up when I said he was a good guy, it’s exactly what she wanted to hear from me, the approval of her best friend.
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Soon after, we leave the tent and follow A to the next stage and to get B. As soon as we leave the tent I am at a full +++. As Ant is walking ahead of me and C to my side I experience the most powerful, ego less revelatory moment of my life. While Ant is walking ahead of us I turned to C and asked her if she wanted to go catch up with Ant more as we were lagging behind and I figured she would want to be hanging out with him. It was at that moment that I realized how selfish my previous wants to “have her for my own” were, all I wanted was to possess her. My desires for her were all created by my ego, they were a massive illusion. It literally felt that if at that moment she tried to come onto me or anything like that, I would’ve probably resisted. This blew my mind as that’s all I would ever dream for on a normal day. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">if at that moment she tried to come onto me or anything like that, I would’ve probably resisted. This blew my mind as that’s all I would ever dream for on a normal day.</div></div> All the while I’m holding her hand walking through these crowds thinking about how amazing it is just to be this close of friends with someone. To share a bond so pure and unconditional is truly unbelievable. I realized that this amazing friendship that I shared with her was really the most important thing to me in my life. Then it hit me that I was just thinking about that in such a crystal clear way. I had expected to come into this trip and possibly let out some of my feelings and instead had a revelation about where those feelings were really coming from. My mind was plagued because I was infatuated with the thought of “having” her. Now I had realized that I already do have her, she is the best friend I’ve ever had and always will be. Somehow after this chain reaction of epiphanies while I am completely peaking on both Molly and Lucy, I pulled out my phone and texted a close friend at home and told her that I had a huge epiphany to tell her and to save the text. How I did that I still don’t know. Fucking amazing.
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T+3 (I know only 3 hours in!!!) C and I find B exactly where we left him with a girl laying in his lap as he lightshows her. Then they started making out in this crazy psychedelic fashion lol and I called his name. He looked up with this look of sheer childish jubilee. This being his first time with a real dose of LSD he was very excited to see a familiar face haha. This is when the visuals got really intense and the time all morphs together lol. All I remember from then till the end of the concert really was walking around holding hands with C and feeling like we were at Woodstock 2012. The whole place was pulsing with pure love energy it was so inspiring. To me it was like me and her were 6 years old dressed up like hippies, holding hands, and running around this beautiful playground of lights and music with thousands of other kids. Everything was so beautiful and pure. C and I would be walking ahead and I constantly had to keep B near us because he was just getting so lost in his visuals haha but he loved it.
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I think around T+5 we were getting something to drink and while standing in line B looked at C and said “I love you so much” in that typical molly way, hugged her and as I’m watching him get lost in the visuals that are making up C’s face and everything, melts his face into hers. C is looking at me while this is going on like “Uhhhh? LOL” I literally had to put my hand on his mouth and pull him back. When he came back he looked at me with this totally blank face like “WTF just happened” it was hilarious lol.
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The visuals I was getting were the most intense I’ve ever had. They came in all these different phases too, some would be bright flashing lights shooting off of every surface, then it would just look like everything drooped and melted, and sometimes there would be mixtures of them all. I can’t really remember what it was like with my eyes closed, I don’t think I did a whole lot of closing them I imagine it would have been really intense and that might’ve been what B was doing all night. I think he was literally morphing his closed eye vision with open eyed.
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T+7 The concert ends and I am still getting amazing visuals and feeling pretty great. The metro ride home at 3 am in a pretty urban area was kind of trippy but still added to the trip lol. We got back to our hotel around T+8 and smoked a bunch of weed, listened to some good trance and shpongle, then comfortably fell into an amazing trippy sleep.
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All in all I still can barely believe what happened that night. It was the single most amazing journey into my own psyche and a beautiful one at that.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2012</td><td width="90">ExpID: 97272</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 20</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Nov 8, 2018</td><td>Views: 2,002</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=97272&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=97272&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), MDMA (3) : Combinations (3), Glowing Experiences (4), Relationships (44), Rave / Dance Event (18)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">65 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
It's been a short few days since I've had this experience. I'd like to get it down now while it's fresh on my mind, and also now that I finally have the clarity to put it into words somewhat.
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I've had a pretty deep fear of tripping for well over a year, up until this point. <a href="/experiences/exp.php?ID=111575">My other trip report</a> outlines what I've gone through on my first psilocybin experience, but it definitely left its mark on me to keep it short. At the time, I was fundamentally lost, depressed, hopeless and generally on a very negative path in life.
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Since I've had that experience (and, after a long period of confusion) I've managed to pick myself up from the gutter. I took up a profession I'm endlessly happy with and make good money with after only doing it for about 9 months, I've cured a lot of anxiety I had, my depression has almost completely left me. So many things have changed for me in the past year and everything has been abundantly positive. I won't get into too much detail, but my life then vs. now are like total opposites. I still do struggle with anxiety here and there, but it's gone down a ton. My leftover anxiety was one of the few reasons I had for this LSD trip.
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After cutting contact with one of my most toxic friends, I made a decision to have another trip and re-test the waters. I had some LSD left in my fridge, given to me by my brother a while back. I had always been too scared to take a full hit, but I felt a strong calling to do it at this point. It seemed like a perfect substance to take in a perfect moment of stillness in my life (first weekend I'd had off in about 4-5 months) where I could ruminate on how things have been going. In the week after this decision I've dedicated my free time to researching and preparing as best as I could. The day before dropping, I made sure to completely clean my apartment, and I set up a little tripping zone in my bedroom which was completely safe and would have everything I could need. I was planning on doing it completely alone, away from any uncertain factors.
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Boiling down my intentions, it was essentially about this: for one, I wished to conquer my fear of tripping. Both my medical history and my traumatic psilocybin experience have pushed me into a direction of fearing the altered state of mind/body that a tripping experience brings. Next, I wanted to have an honest conversation with myself about the anxiety I could still feel in myself about life. Things were going well but all the positive developments brought with them some situations and interactions I wasn't used to, and I wanted to see if I could figure out what the source of it was. And lastly, I wanted to take this weekend completely to myself and treat myself to something novel. And I wanted to sit down with myself and inquire about how my life has been going and how I feel about the direction I'm heading in. With these intentions in mind, I went into my trip.
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(Sorry for the long intro, getting into it now)
<br>
<br>
Finally, the day had come. I woke up quite late as I had gone to bed a lot later than planned (I stayed up talking to a girl I was interested in at the time). My original plan was to wake up at 9AM, and to drop at noon at the very latest. However, I crawled out of bed no earlier than 10:30 AM and took a while to finalize my apartment for tripping. Around about 1PM I was finally ready to drop. I had agreed with a friend to voice chat after I dropped so I could ease my nerves, but she didn't seem to be coming online. After anxiously badgering her with no response for about an hour, I decided to go ahead and do it. I did two rounds of the Wim Hof method, which helped me clear my brain, and walked over to the fridge, grabbed a tab out of the little case, and put it under my tongue. My apprehension began to grow, but I felt determined to see it through. I felt so strongly that I had to have this experience no matter what would happen. I sat back down on my bed, and put some Chrome Sparks on my speaker to take my mind off the come-up. The day before dropping, I had gone to the local book store and got myself a notepad and a pen. I quickly jotted down some thoughts about my come-up and cast the paper aside.
<br>
<br>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
<br>
T+0:00
<br>
"Coming up now. feel a bit anxious, but otherwise okay. I hope to have a nice experience. I'm gonna take a nice long warm shower in a bit.
<br>
<br>
I wonder how the visuals will be"
<br>
<br>
After about 20 minutes I decided to hop in the shower, as was suggested to me by another tripper. I put some Brian Eno on my speakers, turned it up loud, and walked in. I'm usually the type of guy to jump in an ice-cold shower, but for this occasion I felt it was right to make an exception. The warm water hugged me and kept me comfortable through my journey upwards. I quickly became too nervous to stay standing up, and decided to sit down on the floor with the showerhead in my hands. By this point I definitely felt a change in my tactile sensation, although I wrote it off to nervousness at first. I got out of the shower after about 30 minutes of quiet introspection, and laid down in my bed.
<br>
<br>
Back in bed, I grabbed my notepad again and wrote down some more thoughts. My writing at this point looked very very cramped and a bit jittery, as the nerves were definitely seizing me.
<br>
<br>
T+0:50
<br>
"How nice that i get to do this!
<br>
im a little tense still but i hope to loosen up soon
<br>
Writing is hard"
<br>
<br>
I noticed some slight stomach discomfort and decided to lay down on my side, grabbing my blanket and holding it close to me. I quickly got back up to change the music to Bonobo, as the slow piano music was somehow making me uncomfortable. The change in music twisted my experience almost upside down, and I started feeling really amazing. At this point the good feelings seemed to travel down into my crotch, to my surprise. I'll skip on detailing what happened next here, but let's say it was one of the most intense solo sessions I've had in my life. ;)
<br>
<br>
T+1:10
<br>
An ecstatic 20 minutes later, I grabbed my notepad once more. I felt very loosened up, and jabbed my pen at the paper, making a bunch of scribbles. Underneath it reads:
<br>
<br>
"W O W !
<br>
T 1:10 right now"
<br>
<br>
followed by another wavy scribble, starting small but expanding outward more and more.
<br>
<br>
I decided to change the music again, back to Brian Eno. The heavenly piano music was filling up my room while I did my best to surrender to the experience. I still have a very vivid image in my head of a beautiful blue sky with fluffy white clouds, and a notepad and pen. At this point that notepad along with the Brian Eno music was encompassing my entire universe. I found it almost impossible to even get up from bed. My thoughts were incredibly drawn out and tough to manage, and every time I looked up it seemed only a minute had passed when it felt more like 10. Now I knew: I'm in the middle of it. Surprisingly though, I did not feel any negativity this time around, which had been the case last time around this point. I kept my eyes closed for the most part and got some very faint visuals (I'd venture to say they were more like silhouettes of visuals, comparing them to all the fantastical descriptions I've read of other trippers' visuals).
<br>
<br>
T+2:00
<br>
By now I had nearly finished my upward journey, and pulled myself up to try and ruminate on some of the questions I wanted to answer in my newfound psychedelic state. My remaining anxiety was one of the biggest reasons for me to take this trip (both for psychedelics and for novel experiences in general in my life). I wrote down:
<br>
<br>
"Why do I get so anxious" <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">"Why do I get so anxious"</div></div>
<br>
<br>
in the most loose writing in the notepad yet. I instantly felt myself come to the heart of the question, and my thoughts on it immediately boiled down into this - no good reason. I get afraid of new experiences because I don't trust my gut over my brain in most cases, but they seem to always turn out okay, hence, I should not give so much thought to these feelings. I wrote down
<br>
<br>
"no good reason!!!!!"
<br>
<br>
And that was pretty much it. That stupid little answer gave me so much relief. I gave little more thought to my mental issues for the rest of the trip, as I felt increasingly thankful for my new job and my upwards trajectory in life. The rest of the notepad is mainly filled with realizations of amazement, including a line that reads "im whelmed to say the least" which still makes me crack up reading it back now.
<br>
<br>
T+2:20
<br>
At this point I rose up from my bed, slowly turned down the music I had on, and felt myself filling up with gratitude. It was like finally reaching the peak of a big mountain (how poetic) and now I could stand here, admiring my progress and basking in it's positive effects on my life. I'd been so involved with working on improving myself that I'd hardly taken the time to really admire what I've done so far, but now I had the perfect state of mind to do it, and it felt absolutely liberating.
<br>
<br>
Slowly coming out of the confused state, I began to leave my bed and walk around a bit. I decided not to look in the mirror yet, as I'd been told by a few people that it can drastically sway a trip. I soon sat down on my bed again, in front of my computer, and chatted up a lot of friends who I wanted to call with. I first ended up calling the girl I had spoken with the night before, which ended up strangely awkward but it did not bother me one bit. It seemed like an inconvenient time however as she seemed to be cleaning her room and was quite unresponsive, so I hung up and called somebody else. Next up I decided to say 'fuck it' and call the girl I had broken up with prior to my mushroom experience. We had a really fun conversation and she seemed to not mind at all that I was tripping absolute balls. It was so hard to formulate sentences and I kept having laughter fits but it was an amazing conversation nonetheless. I made a really stupid sketch of a picture she sent me and it still makes me smile looking back at it.
<br>
<br>
Afterwards, I called a friend from England. He picked up the phone and I opened with 'I'm tripping balls dude' to which I got a response of 'Uhhh... Okay? Why would you do that?" and the shock in his voice made me burst out in laughter and fall back onto my bed. I had been a bit scared of other people messing with my trip but I had absolutely no shame for myself which was a very liberating feeling. I sat back down while saying 'Okay, let me explain.' I took about 5 seconds to think about it and then responded 'Why am I explaining myself?' and burst out in more laughter. Right after I calmed down I learned that he was at work, so I offered to call him back later and hung up.
<br>
<br>
I sat around for about 10 minutes after this just thinking to myself how absolutely amazing it felt to be alive. It hadn't ever hit me like this before where I felt this amount of gratitude for being able to experience life and all of it's rich ups and downs. Suddenly, I saw a message pop up. It was the girl I had agreed to call before dropping, and she seemed to be in a panicked haze worrying about what had happened while she was asleep. I quickly called her up and explained everything that happened. Again, very tough to formulate sentences, but she seemed quite happy it had turned out so positive for me. My memory after this bit is a bit foggy but I believe I had gone back to listening to music for the most part after this conversation.
<br>
<br>
T+4:00
<br>
By now, I sort of felt like I had 'outgrown' the altar I had set up for myself (my tripping space), so I began with moving all my stuff back to where it belonged. However, as I was still nicely tripping, I kept forgetting what I was doing, and mid-move started making coffee, planned to go out for a walk, and call some more people. All of these kept getting cut off by each other, so I barely accomplished anything for about an hour. One of my friends from Michigan came online and seemed to want to call, so I rang him up and explained my experience to him so far. He is a guy who has quite some knowledge of the solo LSD experience as well so it felt really great to be able to get up to speed with him about it, as he seemed to completely understand everything I'd experienced. Having that affirmation felt very good.
<br>
<br>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
<br>
T+4 is quite a short point to cut off an LSD trip report with, but not much happened afterwards. I basically just put my stuff back where it used to be (after dozens of random interjections) and ordered a big bunch of sushi. By this point I kind of regretted not doing the experience with somebody else, as I imagine it would be very nice to share this feeling with someone. I also wished I had made some plans for my night afterwards, as I was really in the mood to go dancing, but as I'm not really very into nightlife (and I also live in a moderately secluded town) I had no idea where to go, and no idea who to call up to get some suggestions. I spent most of my night afterwards chatting with friends and enjoying the positive impact it had on me, but I will definitely make sure that next time I have a plan for after the come up (either a club to go to or an area to walk around in and explore) and possibly a counterpart to do it with.
<br>
<br>
I think coming out of this trip a lot of stuff has changed, but on a very subtle level. I seem to now perceive my surroundings quite differently (people seemingly have changed their appearance, although I realise it's all perceptual) and I feel a lot more relaxed in social situations as well. Work is a lot more fun and exciting but it took me a while to really be able to focus on it again after I had the trip. Now that I can though, I feel like I'm a lot sharper than I used to be beforehand. I had a tendency to take Modafinil a bunch to really press on but I don't seem to need it anymore now.
<br>
<br>
I definitely feel a lot better about tripping and life as a whole. I think I finally closed off a depressive part of my life with this acid trip and really opened up a new chapter for myself which is completely open-ended. There's so many things I want to do and I'm gonna work really hard to make them happen. If you are thinking about having a solo LSD trip for similar reasons, please remember to take very good caution and care of yourself before, during and after. All the effort I put into cleaning my apartment, setting up my tripping space and doing all the mental work beforehand were huge factors in the positive result of this experience.
<br>
<br>
Thank you for reading my report, peace and love to you :)<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2018</td><td width="90">ExpID: 112543</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 22</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Nov 12, 2018</td><td>Views: 1,842</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=112543&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=112543&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Music Discussion (22), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), General (1), Alone (16)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 2:45</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 7:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">vaporized</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 12:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 tablet</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/alprazolam/">Pharms - Alprazolam</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">120 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I'm a boring old lady, mother of teenagers. I used to party my ass off in the 90s and early 00s but I took way too much Molly during the end of that period of my life. I got severely burned out (<a href="https://www.erowid.org/experiences/exp.php?ID=10332">you can find a old report</a> here under the same pseudonym, that was me 16 years ago). I thought I'd lost the magic forever. I'd never had the chance to candy flip because by the time I started playing with Esctasy in 2001 or so, there was no LSD to be had for love nor money. I settled down, got married, and had a family like some kind of normie. Once Lucy came back on the scene a few years ago I'd occasionally indulge, and I had the odd heroic-dose mushroom trip over the years, but for the most part, I'm probably a bit like your mom.
<br>
<br>
Recently, I had come across a hit of strong WoW LSD (tested as real Lucy, supposedly dosed at 110ug but it felt a lot stronger- and I say this having formerly done 10-strips on the regular) and a single pill of ecstasy of somewhat unknown provenance (taking it when I wasn't 100% sure where it came from, and didn't have a test kit, was probably not smart, test your substances kiddos). My teenagers were out of the house for a couple of days so I said "fuck it" and decided to have some quality me-time.
<br>
<br>
I dropped the LSD at 7PM. I tend to get anxiety so I like to do something quiet and emotionally neutral on the come-up. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I dropped the LSD at 7PM. I tend to get anxiety so I like to do something quiet and emotionally neutral on the come-up.</div></div> I sat down to watch nature documentaries while waiting for Lucy to show herself. I was on the sofa with my dogs. I chose a couple of 4k videos of undersea life and strapped myself in for the ride.
<br>
<br>
I knew Lucy was definitely in the room when I started to wish I could mute the narrator on the documentary without muting the music. His voice was super annoying and he sounded like a John Wayne impersonator talking about fish. Suddenly I couldn't stop laughing at a whale shark on the TV. Its mouth was such so huge and it seemed like the most hilarious thing I'd ever seen. Shortly after that, flowing patterns started emerging from my normally boring carpet. Soon the grain in my wood furniture started flowing, too. At that point I turned off the TV because things in my own environment seemed far more interesting and beautiful. I played with my dogs (they had this squeaky ostrich toy with a colourful plastic knot that looked like it was alive, twisting and pulsing and breathing). I giggled a lot and had a great time.
<br>
<br>
I kept checking my watch because I'd planned to introduce Molly to Lucy at 10PM, three hours after first dropping. The night was extremely cold when I got up to let the doggos out. I couldn't get warm again when I came in and it was getting harder and harder to read the time- I really should have set an alarm, but oh well. At 9:45PM I gave up and sent Molly down the hatch, then took my dogs upstairs to my bedroom to meditate.
<br>
<br>
I guess meditation sounds like a boring way to spend a candy flip, but I learned after several "heroic dose in silent darkness" trips on mushrooms that it can be really rewarding to just be still and experience a substance (or combo of substances) fully. I put on meditation music to quiet the rabble of earworms in my head and just sat and breathed. After a while I noticed I was clenching my teeth and also that the whole world had taken on a sort of golden hue. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I noticed I was clenching my teeth and also that the whole world had taken on a sort of golden hue.</div></div>
<br>
<br>
The next couple of hours were incredible. I was on my bed with a ton of blankets and pillows and my two lovely hounds, who are the world's best trip sitters, happy to take advantage of my willingness to snuggle and pet them endlessly. Of course Lucy on her own can be a bit cold and emotionally distant but this was something new entirely. I snuggled in a big puppy pile with the dogs and I just breathed and felt all the emotions, which were all happy and warm- I felt such a deep, profound gratitude for my life that I was nearly in tears. At the same time I started to get a minor ego death- nothing over the top, I just felt like I was blurring into my environment and I didn't know who I was for a while. My joy seemed crystalline, and I knew that this time was incredibly precious, to be savoured, because it wouldn't last long. Every breath felt like an amazing miracle and I meditated on my breath for a good long time. I needed to change positions a lot more often than I'd normally do when meditating and was constantly stroking one or the other of my dogs and clenching my jaw but not to the point of it being unpleasant. I thought to myself that this felt like an acid trip dipped in honey...organic and perfect and beautiful.
<br>
<br>
I guess at about two AM or so (I still couldn't read my watch, as I'd misplaced my glasses in the process of migrating to the bedroom) I started to come back to earth a bit. I'd turned off the meditation music. It was silent and dark and I started to get this weird effect that I get when I sit in silence with Lucy, where it feels like I can hear the magnetic fields emanating from objects around my house- I swear I can hear all the different wi-fi enabled objects like my phone and my tablet making low droning buzzing noises that echoed off each other and off the sound of the wiring in the walls. It's not completely unpleasant but it has a cold metallic feeling and I knew it was a sign that Molly was leaving for the night.
<br>
<br>
This is the point when I would have loved some non-canine company, but instead I loaded my weed vape and took a magnesium tablet as my jaw was starting to get sore. I ended up going back downstairs at least five times before I found my missing glasses case (it was trapped between two of the sofa cushions). I spent the rest of the night listening to Fleetwood Mac and reading trip reports on Reddit as Lucy made her very slow exit. At 7AM I got up to let the dogs out. Afterwards I took a Xanax and went to sleep.
<br>
<br>
When I woke at about 1PM I was surprised to feel a distinct afterglow rather than the apathy and depression that I had come to associate with mornings after Molly. Apparently if I don't re-dose multiple times during a night, I don't get tweaked out. Who knew? I'm now up doing laundry and writing this trip report and I feel great. My teenagers will be home in a couple of hours and I'll be thrilled to see them. I got the vacation I needed without even leaving my house.
<br>
<br>
<!-- erodrops01 --><!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2018</td><td width="90">ExpID: 112571</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 46</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Dec 6, 2018</td><td>Views: 3,418</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=112571&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=112571&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">MDMA (3), LSD (2) : Alone (16), Glowing Experiences (4), Combinations (3)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">53 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
A sunny mid-summer Sunday, 4th of February. A local park in the heart of the CBD. The time is 1pm, as I sit down on a park bench soaking in sunrays admiring the cityscapes that stand in front of me, I place two tabs of Lysergic Acid Diethylamide (LSD) under my tongue. There is no taste, just a subtle odd sensation. The blotter has been acquired from a trusted source who has ties to the dark net. The product is genuine and has many good reviews, each tab containing approximately 100-150ug each. My mindset is positive, I have been waiting for this moment for around two years, and I have taken the required steps to ensure that the experience will be nothing short of positive.
<br>
<br>
T: +0:26
<br>
While sitting down the first initial effects became present at this time. There was a slight perceptual shift in that objects looked much more ‘fixed’ in their position. Building angles became more prominent and stood out.
<br>
<br>
T: +0:30
<br>
Slight stoning feeling of the face, also a slight build up of tension within my jaw. Music results in small bursts of euphoria and I cannot help but laugh. There is an overall feeling of calmness and complete serenity.
<br>
<br>
T: +0:40
<br>
Writing is beginning to loose its significance, I can’t help but feel that in this moment it is meaningless. There is a much stronger urge to sit and be still – take in everything around me for it is all we ever had, and we are it.
<br>
<br>
Unfortunately, that is the end of my handwritten notes that day, the rest will be written from my memory and reflection of the experience. So timing will be estimated, but nonetheless still important. Each ten-minute time interval between the forty-minute mark to one hour after ingestion, introduced a sensory layer to my perception. Colours became more vibrant, the grass and tall trees that surrounded me swayed with life, and I noticed I was able to perceive a single blade of grass or leaf on tree in such incredible detail and focus. My visual field became increasingly tuned into my environment and enhanced as each moment went by. I decided to stand and walk around, this swift feeling felt unusual, not necessarily laboured, although walking felt slightly off. There was no noticeable body load, but being still felt more comfortable. I began to feel increasingly euphoric and at peace, the subtle changes that were occurring felt smooth and clean. At that moment I felt as if this compound needs to be respected, for it will then respect you. The next sensory change was auditory, music sounded much more clear and I was able to pick up on all the subtle changes within a songs melody. I came to realise that the music sounded louder, although the volume was not changed, simply I was hearing it at a much more coherent level. The next series of events will describe the peak of the experience which lasted for four hours.
<br>
<br>
Looking down at my skin I was confronted with it morphing and changing colour. I was able to see the veins within my body, the inner workings of my muscles and the blood that runs through them. My sense of touch became quite altered, my skin felt almost like a rubbery substance, smooth to touch, but almost completely alien. Looking down at the creases within my clothes, I saw a swarm of patterning and shapes, both moving and forming on the flatter surfaces of fabric. What wonder in looking down at such ordinary pieces of clothing that we wear each day, yet seeing such complexity in their simplicity. Much like the experience Aldous Huxley describes with Mescalin within his novel Doors of Perception, I could see that each garment holds a story, it shapes who you are as a person, and yet we seem to overlook such simplicities in the favour of more mundane things. The next perceptual shift was that time ceased to exist. The numbers that presented themselves on my phone became worthless. I tried to contemplate what they meant, although my attempt was futile. The inner workings of my life were slowly being untied, all I ever knew had slowly slipped away. This confrontation with this altered space did not worry me, for I knew that fighting such state would carry no meaning whatsoever. Instead, I aloud it to take control, let it be, do not be scared, be open, for when you become open you learn.
<br>
<br>
Sitting down I came to a very sudden realisation that there was such a strong female presence accompanying me. What a divine, beautiful, nurturing, elusive, calm yet firm entity she is. As if the cosmos so delicately entered my body and manifested itself as Mother Nature. Through her I could see, endless desires, emotions, thoughts, and feelings that flourished into my visual field. These ideas to the normal being can only be expressed though verbal phrases, or symbols, yet she aloud me to perceive these subjective phenomena for they truly do exist through colour, shapes, geometric layering, all part of a plane of reality that chooses to stay hidden. In this moment of clarity, I realised that as human beings our consciousness has evolved over thousands of years to repress this way of seeing and experiencing life. If we were to see a lion in-front of us, its exquisite mane flowing with such detail, a stern, determined face, with piercing hazel eyes full of life, we would forget that this is a predatory animal, and then in the next moment, we would be gone. Over time, we have evolved into a collective conscious being that has many psychological defence mechanisms to protect us from environmental stimuli, for we would simply be very vulnerable animals to be in this altered state of consciousness for our entire existence. This realisation also demonstrates that this way of seeing life through her elegant grace is just as much part of us as normal reality is, much like the shamanic visionaries who have used the likes of Peyote, Mescaline, and Ayahuasca for thousands of years, we too, share this primal urge to see what lies beyond.
<br>
<br>
Her sophistication enraptured me for the remainder of the experience. I felt so incredibly alive at that given moment, full of ecstasy. My visual field at this time became inundated with colour and motion, almost blinding me. Looking around at grass I was able to see each shade of green which would eloquently merge and shift together, swaying in the gentle breeze. This motion combined with colour change created an almost cartoonish like landscape. Although that term is rather inadequate to describe what I was seeing. I believe seeing the beauty in colour from my environment may have contributed to my perception of the female entity accompanying me, although it became apparent that the beauty has always been in front of me, instead she has tapped me on the shoulder and reminded me to look, it is right in front of you. This cosmic feeling that had entered my body became stronger and her presence illustrated the significance of every living being around me. People began to sit near me, reading, laughing, walking their pet dogs. Each full of life and wonder, each living in their own complex reality with their own relationships and spirituality. This entity began to teach me that we as humans are equal, we all share a common foundation, and that it is up to you as the individual to create beauty in this world, for it is essential for existence.
<br>
<br>
During this period of time more realisations came to me. Living things move through the ecosystem. Each being transfigures the space around them to produce movement, behaviour, emotion – all integral parts of life that resemble our finite existence. I could see each individual around me flow through this delicate ecosystem with an abundance of energy. Each being had an aura that would trail off behind them, a small child full of awe and wonder playing at the stump of a tree, a cyclist – fast, determined, a place he must be. Each aura matched the individual character, through this was the passage into understanding the intricacy human consciousness carries. This endless energy that flows through the ecosystem carries in itself character, behaviour, and emotion. Therefore, not only do humans as tangible beings feel and move, but so does the body aura that encompasses them shape the more intangible environment and most certainly effects the way the world feels too. This is a significant realisation in that consciousness has the ability to flow intimately between our own reality and one which exists if the individual chooses to become open to it. This process in itself allows compounds like LSD to unveil the curtain of life through which we can glimpse into a world that resembles far from our own, yet it is.
<br>
<br>
My mind began to entertain these concepts with ease, the answers to what I was seeking felt so apparent, yet I would arrive at where I began. These answers aren’t ones to come easy, for they are there to simply guide me, to direct my understanding and self-progression, for these answers are simply inside of me. I am it.
<br>
<br>
Physiologically, at this moment I began to realise that I was grasping the grass around me quite firmly. I also seemed to be holding my breath. Realising this I centred myself. Everything was extremely overwhelming at this point although not in a negative way. Instead I felt as if I did have some form of control, but I felt more in-control when the substance had taken over me. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I felt as if I did have some form of control, but I felt more in-control when the substance had taken over me.</div></div> I know that may sound paradoxical, but I was most comfortable when completely engulfed. My bladder was full and so I began my journey to the public restroom. Sunglasses helped ‘tone’ down my environment slightly. Inside the restroom it was quite claustrophobic, the walls were changing colour from violet, to yellow, back to white and this process would repeat itself. Small droplets of colour splattered all around the inside of the restroom – blue, green, purple. Looking at myself in the mirror I saw a version of me that was so incredibly elegant. My features smooth and textured, pupils completely dilated, slight smirk. I noticed that my reflection was covered in a film of purple mixed with yellow. The merging and morphing of all the physical properties around me gave life to a very dull, dirty place. Something so bleak can have such a profound impact when under the influence of this compound. Truly, this entity in all her tranquillity showed me life in absolutely everything.
<br>
<br>
Walking back to the park I stood at the intersection looking at people around me, completely oblivious to the way I was which created a sense of amusement. I was engulfed in a reality completely far from everyone else. The faces of people morphing into obscure shapes, their hair changing colour, the ground swirling in mystery, yet I was the one to know when to cross the road before anyone else, oh the irony.
<br>
<br>
Back at the park I chose a new location on the grass to lay down. Looking up the clouds above me moved with such swiftness, silky like smoke, flowing in such detail. The edges would twist and contort in ways not possible to produce patterns and shapes all evenly presented. There was a moment when the clouds formed into these alien-reptilian creatures, standing on their all four legs peering down onto the world. This image was not sinister, rather it felt quite calming, knowing that these entities lived amongst us at every moment. They showed me that we are welcome to experience this alternate reality for they are just as part of us to the skin on our body. Across the sky formed a grid of geometric patterns and shapes multiplying into the thousands, glowing in a colour for which there is no name. In the centre of my vision an hourglass like structure formed and began to turn, each twist illustrated to me its multitude of angles with infinite complexity. At this moment I realised the peak slowly beginning to end and I was plateauing. A breath of fresh air.
<br>
<br>
As the day turned to dusk, I felt more comfortable walking throughout the city. As the sun was setting it illuminated a rich orange glow across the entire skyline. This glow was incredibly vibrant, with the dazzling, dancing swirls still swaying in my vision, I was at complete peacefulness with my existence. Seeing the city come to life at night with its various glowing lights gave the end of the experience a nice feel. It created a sense of flavour as I not only experienced day time visuals, but also night. Street lights and car headlights had this incredible glow to them, a piercing light completely full. The red of car taillights would flow behind as they drove off. I chose to sit down near a wharf and watch the magnetic substance of water undulate and turn with ease. As the effects slowly reduced, I contemplated the day and reflected upon what had happened.
<br>
<br>
To conclude, the full trip lasted for a total of 10 hours, peaking for four hours, with a plateau for another two hours, and a slow drop off for another four hours. Being my first experience with a psychedelic compound I realised that one must tread very carefully. For these compounds offer such incredible insights, but only if one chooses to be completely open and psychologically ready.
<br>
<br>
I learnt a great deal about my existence that day, but upon reflection I began to realise that I know so little.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2018</td><td width="90">ExpID: 111604</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 20</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Dec 12, 2018</td><td>Views: 2,212</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=111604&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=111604&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Entities / Beings (37), First Times (2), Alone (16)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 3:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 10:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">68 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I was 16 years old and had just finished my GCSE exams (very important exams), following months of studying. I had had an interest in trying LSD for a while and had only experienced weed and alcohol in the past. I eventually decided that I would try LSD after my exams finished, as I would have little stress and nothing to worry about. I was excited about the prospect of trying acid, but I also had a healthy level of fear of the unknown. I was also at a generally good place in life, with few issues.
<br>
<br>
About one week after finishing my exams, my parents went away for a few days. I knew this would be the perfect time for me to experience my first trip, so I purchased the LSD off of a local dealer the day before. In preparation, I tested my tab using the Ehrlich reagent.
<br>
<br>
While planning the day, I realized that the only issue was that my closest friend (J), who I wanted to trip sit me, had an exam that day, and only finished at 4. It would also take an additional half hour for him to arrive at my house. To compromise, I decided that my other two friends (L and P) would trip sit me from 1 pm (when I would take the LSD) to 4:30 until my J arrived to join them.
<br>
<br>
12 pm: It turned out to be a sunny day during late spring (around 20 degrees Celsius), and there was additionally Football World Cup matches on, which my friends and I wanted to watch. I decided not to eat for 24 hours before my trip. We walked back from school to my house, which would be the place of my trip as I feel most comfortable there.
<br>
<br>
1 pm: The three of us arrived at my house, and shortly went upstairs to the bedroom where I nervously placed the tab in my mouth. It had a slight taste at first (most likely the ink) but the taste quickly went away and the tab became tasteless. On dropping the tab I felt nervous, but at the same time hopeful, as my L and P, who have never taken a psychedelic, watched grinningly. We then went downstairs to watch the first football match we could.
<br>
<br>
2:30 pm (90 minutes after ingestion): I was yet to feel any effects and started to wonder why. I kept on looking outside, expecting to notice an increasing depth of colour but noticed nothing. I started to feel disappointed but knew that it may just be a delayed reaction. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I started to feel disappointed but knew that it may just be a delayed reaction.</div></div>
<br>
<br>
4 pm (180 minutes after ingestion): The trip was still yet to kick in and my friends and I started to wonder whether or not it was bad acid. We decided to order hamburgers for lunch, and I sat on the floor eating it whilst the next game commenced. Whilst eating the burger, I began to feel extremely nauseous and had trouble thinking. My mouth also felt very clammy and uncomfortable. I still, however, didn’t feel as though I was in the “LSD headspace” and I didn’t notice any visual changes, so I convinced myself that it was only a placebo effect.
<br>
<br>
4:30 pm (210 minutes after ingestion): At this point, nausea had gone, but I still felt a little off, struggling with major trains of thoughts. J had also finally arrived and had been shocked when I told him the trip hasn’t started. At this point, I felt as though the trip would never begin, so I made the decision to smoke weed with my friends in the garden. I didn’t smoke that much (only a few tokes) and I felt no effect from the weed.
<br>
<br>
11 pm (10 hours after ingestion): It had been a long 10 hours of sitting around in the house I was sure that the trip would never begin. L and P decided to leave, while J decided to spend the night at mine. I was very frustrated about the lack of a trip, and J and I decided to go outside and smoke some more weed in my garden (now at night). This time I smoked a large amount of weed, but surprisingly still felt 0 effects.
<br>
<br>
11:30 pm (10.5 hours after ingestion): J and I went inside with me feeling completely normal by now and J being very, very high. When we got inside, my older sister (25 years old) had just popped into the house to grab something, and we said high to her. Once my sister left, J went upstairs to my room and I stayed downstairs, in order to turn off the lights and lock the doors. After doing so, I started walking up the stair to my bedroom, and then all of a sudden I was at my bedroom door. For some reason, I had absolutely no memory of walking upstairs, as if I had just teleported outside my room. The only bit of memory I did have, however, was of a pitch black setting, with large neon purple intertwining rings in front of me. The area around my right eye also began to feel painfully numb as I explained to my friend what had just happened (now inside my bedroom).
<br>
<br>
Whilst explaining what had just happened to me my friend stood up and all of a sudden everything changed. My vision zoomed out, the walls became more shaped and I had these red and green fractal patterns running across my vision. On the spot, I panicked. The trip had officially begun. Suddenly, my mind felt wider than the ocean, but it was filled with anxiety and fear. I began to feel this fear spreading through my body like I was being dragged downwards into the ground. I quickly proclaimed “I’m tripping”, and J saw my fear. He calmed me down, telling me that this is what I wanted to happen and that everything would be ok, His calm words allowed me to regain control and slow my breathing. I was then able to tell myself to think positively, and I lay down on my bed. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">His calm words allowed me to regain control and slow my breathing. I was then able to tell myself to think positively, and I lay down on my bed.</div></div> Once calmed down (for the most part), I looked at the ceiling and tried to take all my feelings in. I noticed that it had become difficult for me to continue a single train of thought, despite my mind feeling as though it had been stretched. I felt as though I was able to think at a deeper level, closer to my subconscious.
<br>
<br>
Still, however, I had to slow my breathing and think happy thoughts. Every once in a while, I would feel the fear creep up on me; however, I was able to stop it. I closed my eyes (with the lights on) and noticed incredibly patterns of gold, sky blue, and silver. They were constantly changing. I told J to turn the lights off, and when he did, the patterns became even more vivid, this time neon pink, purple, gold, silver and blue. The walls of my bedroom also seemed to have a greenish tint to them.
<br>
<br>
12:30 am: After about an hour of staring at my environment taking it all in, I felt as though the wave of my trip began to die out. I almost felt slightly normal again. We went downstairs and talked for about 5 minutes before I quickly noticed that the trip was coming back, and this time, stronger than the last. I knew this because I began to be unable to support myself, and my breathing began to speed up again. We went upstairs, and I told J to put on the album: “The dark side of the moon” by Pink Floyd. I had listened to the album a couple of times sober before, but J had never heard it. We played it very loud through my new speakers in my bedroom. I lay on the bed and J on the floor.
<br>
<br>
Within a few seconds of the first song on the album, there is a distinct heartbeat. I suddenly felt my own heart beating at the same rate, but stronger than ever. It felt as though my heart would burst through my own chest. Then at the beginning of the second track (Breathe), there is a scream followed by a wonderfully quick transition into the tune. At this point, it was like somebody had gently pulled me, and taken me somewhere else. I was in a giant glass dome in space, completely alone and lying on my back. The music was playing out in front of me, with intricate patterns that coincided with the lyrics and “feel” of the music. This time, the patterns were about as vivid as reality. The music moved through my body, and it was the most beautiful feeling of comfortableness and silence I have ever felt. Simply put, it was incredible. When the song “time” came on, I saw a neon silver and blue clocked, constantly changing and moving around me. I recall feeling as though I had let go of all my fears and submitted to the trip, which was undoubtedly the best decision I made. Slowly, I moved through the album, enjoying it from my dome in space.
<br>
<br>
2:30 am: Once the album finished, the strongest wave of the trip went with it. I began to feel like the trip was ending, so we listened to a few random songs, here and there. All intriguing in their own right, but none quite like the album.
<br>
<br>
4:30 am: Finally, the trip came to an end.
<br>
<br>
In the months following the experience, I felt a happy afterglow, as if life was just a little more pleasant. I will definitely be revisiting this drug.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2018</td><td width="90">ExpID: 112651</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 16</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Dec 14, 2018</td><td>Views: 1,759</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=112651&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=112651&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Cannabis (1) : First Times (2), Music Discussion (22), Combinations (3), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">180 ug</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> repeated</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">185 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
My goal of this report is to try and really instill the importance of not letting your experience and confidence with a substance override your knowledge of its dangers. Before the experience, I had 30+ acid trips.
<br>
<br>
Background:
<br>
<br>
Prior to this experience, I had experiences with the following compounds and plants:
<br>
<br>
MDMA, MDA, LSD, Psilocybin, Cannabis, 2C-B,
<br>
<br>
2C-I, Diazepam, Ketamine, Amphetamine, DXM, 5-MeO-DMT, Changa, Cocaine, Methylphenidate, Salvia, and Mescaline.
<br>
<br>
Before I begin relaying my experience to you it is important to note that at the time of this experience, I recently started using cannabis again, after three-month abstinence, My recidivism to cannabis was not something I was particularly pleased about, as my relationship with the plant had become toxic and purely habitual. Prior to this experience, I had been using cannabis again on a daily basis for around a month. The effects had changed since my abstinence, not drastically but enough to notice that it was causing a much more negative, somewhat irrationally negative form of introspection.
<br>
<br>
Source &amp; Setting:
<br>
<br>
A Friend of mine had bought some LSD off a reliable source online that he had used many times and had always had received a quality product. Testing was done with an Ehrlich test to calm the anxiety that comes with taking a psychedelic.
<br>
We planned to do our usual tripping routine, go for a walk around the surrounding countryside, Enjoying the visuals, have interesting conversations, the usual tripping activities.
<br>
<br>
The Trip:
<br>
<br>
A couple of days before we planned to drop I just didn't feel like taking acid and said to myself that I wouldn't take any but I would still come along for the walk. One of the many fatal errors laid in not telling my friends my change in mindset and continuing anyway.
<br>
<br>
The day eventually came around, I woke up in the completely wrong mood. I really was not up for dropping any acid. I lay in bed contemplating not going and calling off my date with uncle Sid. Eventually, my two mates came knocking on the window of my flat at around 10 AM. I chose to ignore the knock, they rang my phone, rang the bell a few more times, shouted my name through the letterbox. And I didn't answer. Eventually, they left without me. Although they sent me a text asking me to call them once I was available.
<br>
<br>
I lay in bed for another half hour or so, arguing internally whether to go or not. Eventually, I got up, threw on some clothes, rang my friends and asked where they were, I met them at a lake which was about a 15-minute walk from my flat. When I met them they were in high spirits, they asked where I was and I told them I quickly had to go to the shop for some groceries.
<br>
<br>
Off we set on our walk, 30 or so minutes into the hike the blotter was taken out and the other two were getting ready to drop their dose. I was handed my portion and in my overconfidence and overestimation of my experience with the drug dropped 180µg of LSD.
<br>
<br>
T 00:40
<br>
<br>
We arrived at an area of the woods that has a large fire pit, Are attempts to get a fire going were futile and we quickly gave up on the prospect of a comforting fire. At this point, a sense of nausea that I have always associated with LSD has started to creep up on me, No visual distortions but I definitely starting to feel different. My friends and I start to get the uncomfortable restlessness that is common with coming up on many acid, so we decide to carry on with our hike, To ease the process of coming up.
<br>
<br>
T 01:00
<br>
<br>
At this point, trails are starting to appear, colors are becoming vibrant. My mind is in a good place I am enjoying being with my friends, Laughing, fooling around. I remember at one point lying down on a bench looking up at the sky and seeing birds. The more I focused in on a group of birds more would appear and they would start crisscrossing across the sky forming these slippery hexagonal patterns, eventually, they would group together and be sucked up and disappear into what can only be described as an invisible plug hole in the sky.
<br>
<br>
T 02:30
<br>
<br>
Peaking, Everything is swirling and distorted, the simplest of things aren't making much sense. I can remember looking at the tarmac road we were walking on and all the stones it was made up of started to look like the bottom of small feet with this wave of shimmering purple dancing across the road. My mind is still in a good place and I feel in control of my thoughts. Although the sense of unease and nausea that usually disappears for me after the come up is still present. The concern quickly passed and I got on with my experience.
<br>
<br>
T 03:30
<br>
<br>
We stopped for our second spliff of the trip on top of a hill overlooking a river and a cow farm. I rolled the spliff which took me about 25 minutes due to my eyes focusing sharply onto very specific parts of the spliff. An inconvenient hallucination but somewhat enjoyable. Once smoked it seemed to have little to no effect. We started to walk again. When we walked passed the cow farm we could hear the cows inside but could not see them. This was for some reason quite a dark, unsettling experience.
<br>
<br>
T 04:30
<br>
<br>
We were coming to the end of our walk and we decided to sit on top of a cliff that overlooked the surrounding moorland and river. prior to this the subject of where we should go after the walk was brought up, A decision was not agreed upon, and this created an air of anxiety, and made the feeling of unease within me a lot more prominent. We sat on this Cliff for around an hour watching the scenery distort and dance in front of us. During this time we smoked 5 joints in quick succession of each other. This was the dumbass decision that turned my enjoyable trip into a journey into a psychotic esq hell.
<br>
<br>
T 05:30
<br>
<br>
<br>
We left the cliffs in a typical silent stoned awkward way, still undecided of our next destination. This was plaguing my mind. At this point, dusk was coming around, the sky had turned a shade of pink and grey. and visibility was getting less and less. We climbed over a fence into a field that leads back into town when suddenly one of my friends frantically started to panic saying he was starting to have a bad trip. I quickly tried to calm him down which worked, he sat down and very quickly was down to baseline. for whatever reason, a wave of panic and anxiety washed over me and I couldn't stop thinking why he freaked out. I got stuck in a thought loop. my mates tried to calm me down, by this point, my mind was starting to rabbit hole. I was convinced we had taken something bad that wasn't LSD.
<br>
<br>
The typical bad trip thoughts were overcoming me, I'm going to die, I'm going to be in this state forever,
<br>
Now I'm starting to think of an immediate family member who has Schizophrenia, I start cursing myself out like you knew this was going to happen, you were testing fate.
<br>
<br>
I am now fully lost in a negative confused mindstate. I'm no longer walking with my two friends, I'm 10 meters in front of them, Completely delusional I was convinced that I had fallen into a coma at the fire pit and I was just dreaming the rest of the trip.
<br>
In my delusional state, I came to the conclusion that I needed to go to the hospital so I could die, thus waking up from my coma.
<br>
My two mates decided to take me to another friends house to get me inside and attempt to calm me down
<br>
<br>
T 06:30
<br>
<br>
Upon arriving at the house I was extremely restless my vision had been set to the pink and grey colors of the sky. And everything was breathing heavily. the confusing thoughts of why my friend freaked out persisted as did the coma delusion. I was led up to a bedroom and i lay on my mates bed trying to calm myself. as I closed my eyes it felt as if my body was slowly disappearing and my consciousness slowly unraveling. I was quickly hit with the thought I can't die here, I need to die in hospital. I called a close friend at this point who was not into drugs at all. I told him the situation and asked him to drive me to the hospital. He agreed and set off on his way.
<br>
<br>
When he arrived roughly an hour later I was still a complete mess the visuals had calmed but the mindstate persisted. When I got in his car and shut the door a wave of calm came over me and a sense of safety.....This was short-lived, panic quickly shot back into my mind. And the delusion of death to regain my sanity returned to my mind. I tried to explain this to my friend but getting words out was almost impossible, they would almost frazzle out halfway through a sentence.
<br>
<br>
T 08:00
<br>
We arrive at the ER. a sense of clarity creeps back into my mind and I beg my friend not to take me into the ER. I tell him I fine and I'm starting to chill out. He rejects my plea and we go in. The whole process of telling the staff at the ER what was going on was so humiliating it gave me some clarity. In the waiting room, I started to finally calm down and get extremely tired and just wanted to go home. A nurse took my blood pressure. It was crazy high, they wanted me to stay so they could do further testing I refused I told them I'm fine, just let me go home. I could hear them talking behind the curtain about what I was here for. At this point, I feel like a complete tit. I just want to leave. By far the most embarrassing and scary situation I've ever been in all rolled into one.
<br>
<br>
<br>
I walked away from this experience with no long-term side effects. No symptoms of HPPD. No flashbacks. I haven't smoked weed or touched drugs since. Psychedelics can be a cruel but effective teacher.<!--It sounds stupid because it is stupid,
<br/>
<br/>
Don't take psychedelics if you have a history of mental health issues in your family
<br/>
<br/>
Don't take LSD or any strong drug on a whim.
<br/>
<br/>
Don't smoke 5 Spliffs of skunk in a row.--><!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2018</td><td width="90">ExpID: 112774</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 23</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jan 4, 2019</td><td>Views: 2,213</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=112774&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=112774&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Cannabis (1) : General (1), Combinations (3), Bad Trips (6), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
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<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(edible / food)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:45</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.25 tablets</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/alprazolam/">Pharms - Alprazolam</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.25 tablets</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/alprazolam/">Pharms - Alprazolam</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 5:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.5 tablets</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/alprazolam/">Pharms - Alprazolam</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">155 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
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<!-- Start Body -->
From what I usually see on posts describing LSD and other psychedelic experiences I feel like I should provide some background information on my drug use, not too extensive as I don’t want to bore whoever chooses to read this.
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I have been smoking pot usually more than once a day since I was 14, began experimenting with harder drugs such as cocaine, assorted painkillers etc throughout high school, but had no psychedelic experience until less than a year before this account. Since my first experience, which was mushrooms (not counting a few Salvia extract trips), I have used mushrooms twice, LSD 3 times including this time, and 25-i twice. This is my favorite and heaviest trip I have had out of them all, and that is why I'm sharing my account on here.
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I went away the weekend before and when I returned I heard my friends had purchased LSD dosed onto bottlecaps candy; immediately I found the source of this magic candy and purchased 2 for myself. My 2 friends, who will be M and D, bought 2 and 1 each, respectively. This would be my first time taking 2 doses, though M and D have used LSD quite more than I have, so I knew I was going to be in for something far crazier and heavier than them. I had bought a Xanax bar from my other friend L based off what I’ve read online, in case I couldn’t handle my trip and wanted to calm it down.
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I have been reading countless stories the past few weeks, especially the few days before my trip trying to prepare myself. The past few times I had tripped were more of just a, “hey I found these drugs let’s take them and trip balls”. For this trip I wanted to not just trip and have fun, but have a supernatural experience and connect myself to the world and my spiritual self. I had done a lot of preparation on how to do this, I really did not want to be another teenager just taking LSD to get trippy. <!--The Experience Vault significantly helped me do this, and that is why I wish to donate my experience to this beautiful archive of wonder and knowledge.-->
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So we eat the candies at about 7:38, I like to be specific so I made sure to check the exact minute, then we took a walk to a park in my town, about a 20-30 minute walk in hopes the trip would begin when we arrived. We got there faster than we expected so we sat down and chilled for a bit, just waiting for any signs of the trip to start. D and I smoked a few bowls about 45 minutes in, and by the time we had finished we noticed a few effects. We went onto the field (we had been in a more concealed part of the park while smoking) and the trees began to sway and move in and out, a common effect on the come up of any trip. We started to feel it more and more, and my two friends L and G, both sober, showed up to pick us up. Before we left M and I went on a see saw and the swings and on there I could feel my trip becoming more intense. The see saw made me laugh like a child, looking across at M as he’s being hit just as hard as I am, my mood was lightening, I was forgetting all my worries, and light visuals had begun taking place.
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L was driving so we got into his car and went for a drive. This was about 1.5-2 hours in, and driving was like entering a whole new world. I had a playlist of music set up, including RHCP, Pearl Jam, Pink Floyd, The Beatles, and carefully selected songs that I knew would enhance our trip. While driving listening to the music I lost all sense of where I was or any worry of what I had to be doing; the music set the mood in the most perfect way, and the lights from cars and especially traffic lights made the world seem lit up by rainbows, despite it being 930 at night. At one point while we three tripping in the back were getting lost in one of our favorite Pearl Jam songs, G opened the door to the car and we all shot back to reality. We wanted to come down a bit since we were heading to D’s house and he was tripping too.
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We get to D’s house and I had not even realized that I wasn’t peaking yet. We tried to wait until our peak was almost over to go to D’s house but the truth was we had barely even started it when we got there. We sat down started a fire and everything got more intense by the minute. Someone would speak to me and while trying to produce an answer I would only confuse myself beyond repair and be thrown into a laughing fit, which wasn’t bad but sometimes I needed to stop. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">Someone would speak to me and while trying to produce an answer I would only confuse myself beyond repair and be thrown into a laughing fit, which wasn’t bad but sometimes I needed to stop.</div></div> There would be times where I would say things that barely made sense and applied to situations we discussed over an hour ago, but for the most part I could keep track of where I was, what I was doing, and never thought “what the fuck is happening I need this to stop.”
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While sitting around the fire there were times everyone would get up and it would just be me and M; we were tripping the hardest by far and also we are the closest friends out of the group, so everything was 1000x more intense when it’s just us. We would have a long relaxing song on, probably Pink Floyd, and just stare into the fire and trip out while everyone else was away from us for a few minutes. The visuals were phenomenal; staring into the fire I could see animals inside it, almost like in Harry Potter where the fire moves around like a demonic beast, except it can’t come near you, it just floats within it’s space. It was symbolic of good and evil for me; the good was in the light and warmth and comfort it provided for me, while I could see evil shapes in it but since it was contained to the fire pit I understood as evil entities present in the world, however if I would leave them alone they would do the same for me.
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At one point I don’t think I was tripping too hard I just realized that I would be up all night and really wanted some sleep so I took ¼ of the Xanax I had on me, also hoping it would calm down my rapid heart beat. After a while it hadn’t done much so I took another ¼ of the bar and within 20-30 minutes I was very relaxed, exactly how I wanted to be.
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While really tripping out to one song with M I had a very intense visual scene. I would be staring right above M into the trees and a house light, then the fire would be in the bottom left of my view. The trees would begin to crystalize in patters and come together like cells almost, then when they’d come together there would be a beautiful opening within the crystalized tree pattern. I could see the fire being sucked into it, along with M, not in a freaking out kind of way but almost like dementors sucking souls in Harry Potter. I am a Harry Potter fan obviously, which is why I can relate the magical experiences I had on this LSD to the magic from the movies.
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I think part of my, not necessarily anxiety but at times I wished I wasn’t tripping and felt like an idiot for saying certain things, was because the majority of the people we were with were not tripping, and I had really wanted an environment where we could all just trip out and enjoy the same experience together. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I had really wanted an environment where we could all just trip out and enjoy the same experience together.</div></div> However they were my friends and I definitely wanted them around, it was just hard to try and follow normal conversation while I was so out in the universe.
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Throughout the whole night the thing that stood out to me more than anything else was the intense shift in color from all points of direction. I would be staring into space by the trees watching them make patters like I mentioned earlier, and within my peripherals I could see beautiful clouds of red and yellow filling the background. Often times when I would look at the sky (aside from the millions of dazzling LSD induced stars I could see along with the real ones) I could see deep greens and blues somewhat resembling the ocean. The color was one of the most magnificent things about the trip; someone could have told me it was 12 noon I probably could have believed them because the world was so bright.
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Sitting around the fire was the best decision we had made all night. Once half the Xanax bar was in my system, everything was perfect. By that time it was just me, D, M, and L, and L was the only one not tripping. This was one of the best parts of the trip, because L was trying to fuck with me and M since we were tripping so hard and we didn’t have to worry about all the other people thinking we were freaking out or something. There was one specific instance where I went behind the pool to piss, and when I came back L asked me what 48/6 was. I answered 7, he tells me it was 8 then handed me a lighter and the bowl. I immediately lost my mind, I had no idea what he was talking about and started laughing harder than I ever thought was possible. I turned to M and he was in the same state I was in, L had also asked him a basic math question and our minds just turned to mush. I was being handed the bowl and could not calm my laughter down, I would just hold it for a few minutes, forget I had it, then see it was still on my lap and burst into a laughing fit again.
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Now it was time to go home, about 5.5 hours after we had taken the LSD. I knew that there was no way in hell I was gonna get to sleep, so I took another half a Xanax bar; I knew that would knock me the fuck out. I get home and try to act normal, going to the kitchen looking for a snack or something but immediately started laughing like I was at the fire and decided to give up on real life and just lay in bed til I passed out.
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This was honestly my favorite part of the trip; the whole time we were planning the trip I would tell my friends I just wanted to put on psychedelic music, lay down for an hour or so and just let the trip take me away. We did do that at the park in the beginning, but were only an hour into the trip so it wasn’t that intense. I had some good times like that around the fire, but being in my bed alone with no sober people to remind me of the real world had helped intensify my trip, despite the Xanax taking effect.
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I dimmed my lights, got my iHome, which has blue LED’s that made my room look awesome, and downloaded Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon”. I am a huge rock fan, but had never really listened to this album before. It was the most blissful experience of my life. Laying down absorbing the psychedelic beauty from the music I stared at my ceiling, mostly my light, and continued seeing intense colors all across the visible light spectrum, and occasionally this pallet that comes off my ceiling to access my attic would sort of fold down in a 3-D manner, that was really cool to me. The music really put me in the exact mood I wanted to be, the Xanax definitely was needed otherwise I would have been up all damn night, like I later heard M was, and we were all going on a trip to a lake house in a few hours so I really wanted the sleep.
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I got into bed at about 1 and before I knew it the time was 2:45, I had listened to the album about two times through already and was still tripping pretty nicely. I continued doing what I had been doing, except I think I turned the lights off this time and the blue light from the speakers was enough to create a beautiful atmosphere in my room. I don’t remember going to sleep at all but I woke up at about 8:45 surprisingly refreshed, not really zoned out which is weird especially after taking LSD and Xanax, and smiled to myself remembering how insanely different the room I was laying in had been just a few hours ago.
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Overall this was the best LSD experience I have ever had. My use has been small, but this was definitely better than my shrooms and 25-I experiences. Never before had I seen colors in such a beautiful way, and felt so relaxed doing so little. That is one theme that kept occurring to me throughout the trip; I wasn’t using my cell phone, wasn’t watching TV or doing anything really. I was sitting around a fire just staring into space, and I could not get over how 2 drops of this chemical could allow me to have a better experience doing literally nothing than I could have had with 10 million dollars.
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In doing LSD that is really what I wanted to get out of it; a greater appreciation for the world and for the simple things we always take for granted. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text"> In doing LSD that is really what I wanted to get out of it; a greater appreciation for the world and for the simple things we always take for granted.</div></div> I saw everything in such a different way it is truly indescribable. You realize you don’t need alcohol, television, twitter, or whatever to enjoy yourself, maybe just a bit of LSD ☺. It truly makes me see the natural beauty in the world; the raging, dancing fire complimented by already beautiful trees conforming together into wild patterns, all in the background of a clear night sky, makes me want to develop this same appreciation without the influence of LSD.
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I definitely plan on doing this again, probably the same dose for another time or two, but I eventually wish to go heavier. LSD should not be regarded as a “hard drug” or something crazy to do. LSD is for people who wish to get more out of the world around them; it is for those who see the beauty in the world and truly appreciate what mother nature has put here for us. It connects human beings with the natural world, and helps bring us back to times before electronics and digital media, where we can sit around a fire or in an open field and have the greatest experience of one's life.<!-- I hope my story has helped whoever has read it to understand what LSD is like, maybe have a better idea of what they’ll be in for, or if you just like the story itself.--><!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2014</td><td width="90">ExpID: 103787</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 19</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jan 21, 2019</td><td>Views: 3,032</td></tr>
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<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Music Discussion (22), Glowing Experiences (4), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.3 g</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.5 </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(edible / food)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 5:45</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(powder / crystals)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 glass</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/alcohol/">Alcohol</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">175 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
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<!-- Start Body -->
I am not an inexperienced drug user, though I like to think the majority of the time I am a responsible one. I have taken LSD probably 25 times in the past 2.5 years, and “ecstasy” 3 or 4 times. I have no idea how much MDMA was in the shitty pills I had taken when I was younger, but I am relatively confident there have been only 3 times that I have taken straight up MDMA. There have been 3 occasions where I combined LSD and MDMA, although the first experience is null because of the stupid amount of other substances I ingested that night. The second and third times were magical. Candy flipping has become the most beautiful chemical combination I’ve ever experienced.
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This story is about the third time. It had been about 5 weeks since I had taken LSD, and 4 months since I had taken MDMA. It was December and an uncharacteristically beautiful, sunny day, and I had just written my last exam for the semester. Happily, I decided to pop into one of my partner‘s houses to pick up a few grams of weed (he sells it) so that I could finally just sit and smoke my face off and relax. While I was there, I ending up chatting to one of his roommates friends about various festivals and eventually the topic moved onto substance use. He told me about how proud he was of his product, which I was curious about. He ended up showing me the clear, beautiful crystals he was selling (MDMA), insisting that crystal form is the only form he would ever sell. I casually inquired about his price and fate was smiling on me that day, and I bought half a gram. I don’t trust most “M” dealers in my city because I find darknet sources to be much more reliable and trustworthy, but I got so many good feels from this guy, and all the people that were hanging out there vouched for his product. I smoked a bowl with my partner, and went off on some errands with him before arriving home with my new goodies around 4PM. I was stoked!
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Apparently at some point before I got home I decided I was going to candy flip and go to a show tonight. After cleaning up a bit and making sure my space was cozy before I became too high to do anything about it, I popped half of an acid gummy (which are supposedly 150-180ug each, though they feel much much stronger… so I’m just going to average it and assume I took around 90ug), which is a light dose for me. I checked, and it was 4:15 when I dosed. For the next 20 minutes I made myself some toast, fed the cats, and got some of my favorite music ready. I’m not sure if it was because I was already a bit stoned from earlier, but I started feeling it earlier than I normally do. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I’m not sure if it was because I was already a bit stoned from earlier, but I started feeling it earlier than I normally do.</div></div> Music was a bit distorted, sounding ethereally far away and pleasurable. I was elated! I decided before things got too far I should shower. It was without a doubt the most intense shower. I have some pretty thick dreadlocks that I usually tie up in the shower to avoid getting soaked (washing the roots instead) but the water felt so good on my skin, I just wanted my entire face and head to be in the magical stream of water. I scrubbed my skin, washed off, and ran my fingers against my hypersensitive skin, noticing the closed eye visuals I was experiencing from the sensations of the shower. It is worth mentioning that I identify as a masochist; this is not usually a form of self harm, but rather an exhilarating test of my own strength and determination. Pain perception on LSD is fascinating. I can feel the sensation I would normally feel, but my pain receptors don’t seem to register it as painful enough to avoid the stimulus. I turned off the cold water and stood back as the increasingly hot water pelted my skin. It was delightful. I could see the steam clouding around the water, and realized my skin was starting to feel somewhat itchy. I could feel the hot water but I simply didn’t feel the pain. Fascinated, I decided I should probably stop burning myself and get out of the shower.
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I got out and realized just how high I was as I tried to find clothes to put on back in my room. Fuck it, I thought, my roommate is away this weekend. I spent 2-3 hours just wandering around naked trying to get dressed. Unfortunately, because I had become so overheated, I seemed unable to regulate my temperature. It was somewhat uncomfortable. I decided it would be a good idea to take some ibuprofen (prevent headaches), drink water, and eat a banana.
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The next 4-5 hours progressed in an exciting yet somewhat confusing manner. I would get lost in the middle of tasks and spend long periods of time immersed in music, or staring at my body in the mirror. When I finally put clothes on, it was time to leave my apartment! It was 10:00 PM, I needed to take the MDMA now before I started noticing the acid comedown, and I needed to meet someone in 20 minutes. I struggled trying to figure out the dose of the MDMA (now in powder form), and ended up parachuting somewhere around 100-150mg. I put on a knee-length dress and a thin shirt, my jacket and boots, frantically trying to beat the clock and grab everything I needed before the MDMA kicked in. I stepped outside and almost turned back around. It was cold! But hey, I was positive I would not be able to choose a new outfit, so I shrugged and just walked through the cold mist down the deserted street. I was meeting a friend of a friend who had messaged me online saying he’d be up for hanging out that night, and I decided while high that having someone to hang out with was a good idea.
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I met him and as I started talking I realized “WHOA. I am way way high”. I apologized to him (let’s call him G) and said that I might not be able to hold a stimulating conversation as I was tripping pretty hard. He was cool with it, and we made our way down the street so I could go to the bank and he could get some water. I decided I wanted to spread the goodness and gave G a small container with probably 125mg of MDMA. He took most of it and chased it with his juice and asked me if I wanted the rest. I smiled and poured some juice in the vial and shot it.
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Rolling is such an interesting feeling to me, and it seemed to amplify the dosage of the LSD. We walked by a moonlit fence and the shadows on the ground moved in waves, it was beautiful. I realized that I felt confident, attractive, and incredibly relaxed as I chose my deliberate steps down the street. I tried speaking but my words came out comically slow and I realized how high I sounded. It was about a 40 minute walk to the show, and on the way we smoked a bowl, which just furthered my relaxed body. It was around this point that I started wondering if G was going to stick around the whole night; he was talking about how he hallucinates without drugs, and the way he was talking about it came off as bragging, which I was unsure how to respond to. My legs were itchy. I have cold induced urticaria (literally a cold allergy), which results in me breaking out in hives after prolonged exposure to cold stimulus. Once again, I couldn’t feel the pain associated with cold, but I could feel itchiness and I realized that I was super underdressed (it was around 3 degrees Celsius).
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I don’t remember much until we got to the bar. I checked my coat and went to stand by the stage to watch the openers. People were having a blast and it was such a fun venue, colourful lights and interesting pillars and wooden benches strewn about. G approached me and pulled me over to the bar and bought us drinks. I wasn’t particularly interested in drinking, but I figured one drink would probably be okay. I thanked him, and went back to the sensory feast that was happening around me. I was beginning to feel uncomfortable with G. He was kind of awkwardly standing there trying to figure out how to talk to me (which was pointless, as it was really loud and I was really high) while I just wanted to relax into the scene and enjoy my psychedelic roll. As the set changed I made my way over to a bench and sat down, propping my legs up on the rail in front of me. G followed, which was unfortunate as he wanted to continue talking about something that wasn’t especially interesting. I was feeling so in touch with my body, and running my fingers against the smooth wood of the table was pleasurable. Out of nowhere G leans into me and nudges his leg against mine. I startle and abruptly shift my body posture to be facing away from him.
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This is a heavy side note. Over the past year and a half I have been struggling with how to come to terms with being sexually assaulted. I have written a lot about it and spoken to counsellors, and started volunteering at a local women’s centre. This is something I feel passionately about, and the fire inside me is easily lit when triggered. There were several people who had assaulted me, but something they all had in common was that they had acted without my enthusiastic consent. They acted on assumptions that they were entitled to my body, and they laughed my “no’s” and “don’ts” off. They took away my autonomy and my right to choose who I share my body with. When people touch me without making it either verbally or nonverbally agreed upon I am triggered and pushed into an extremely uncomfortable space, and it essentially brings me back to the feeling and memory of someone raping me. It wasn’t a big deal at this point in the night, but I still wasn’t sure how to articulate “don’t fucking touch me” to G without coming off overly rude. I excused myself and went to the bathroom and took down my hair, running my fingers through it, staring at my face. My body felt so good and I still felt euphoric and confident even if I was anxious. I recognized the feeling of anxiety and instead of suppressing it. I melted into it. I became warm steel. I realized I love myself and it is up to me to choose how I handle situations and what I want in life. I smiled at a girl entering the bathroom and went to sit back down. The next half hour was enjoyable. There was a guy at the other end of the table who noticed me staring at the lights and gripping the wooden table, and we made eye contact several times. He was gorgeous and I wish I had talked to him.
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<br>
Finally, the band I had really wanted to see was on! They are a local band that is a sort of jazz-reggae fusion that is perfect for people on drugs. I was ecstatic, and I jumped up to feel my way to the stage area so I could dance and feel and hear the energy they were putting out. I don’t even think there is anything more satisfying than dancing on MDMA (especially in a delayed candy flip); my body is literally an instrument being tuned by the rhythm and sound of the setting, and it feels so right and perfect, there is no anxiety or discomfort. I share myself with this band, and give all of my attention and love to them as they make my body move in the most wonderful ways. Then all of a sudden someone grabs my side, I am startled and raise my fist but it is G. I am still bothered so I mock punch my fist, but make no effort to apologize. He appears surprised that I responded this way, and nervously laughs and takes off shortly after. Yay! I am free again. It is orgasmic. After some time I go to the bar and pour myself some free water, and it is delicious. I am still overheated so I go outside to cool off. I don’t feel the cold. I see G but I go back inside because I know he will never understand why I respond the way I do at his hopeful advances. As I go back inside I lose my shit as I recognize friends that I had tripped with at a festival a few months previously. I felt love for them and I felt safe, and it was so reassuring to be with people who are awesome. As I was talking to them someone behind me said my name, and as I turned I shrieked and embraced him; it was my partner’s roommate who had been there as I purchased the MDMA earlier, and he was all smiles as he realized just how good I was feeling. I thanked him profusely, and was once more overjoyed to be with people that I like and know. It was a good moment, and I exchanged some somewhat intelligible dialogue with him before I went to dance for the remainder of the set.
<br>
<br>
I was in such high spirits, and felt at ease and beautiful and loved and loving. Moving to the natural rhythm once more, and that’s when I am snatched out of my blissful state as someone’s hands appear out of nowhere to slide along my hips. Typically when I am groped when dancing it is so sharply unsettling that most times I will freeze, angry, but unsure how to respond other than by coldly ignoring the touch and moving away. Not today. I am done with this. I am surrounded by a beautiful crowd and it moves me to see so many happy people, and I care about my fellow human beings. But when this random guy that I haven’t even seen or acknowledged just pulls my hips into his grasp, I am startled and saddened. It is the most glorious time and I don’t want to be reminded of people thinking they are entitled to my body again. I look at him and just grab his hands and place them back on his abdomen, tapping them lightly in a disapproving manner. He is obviously rejected in a “wtf bitch” sort of way. I turn around and feel the music tune my body again and I almost burst into joyous tears. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I turn around and feel the music tune my body again and I almost burst into joyous tears.</div></div> I can take care of myself! I am OK! I can be loving and open while roaming through a glorious psychedelic state, and I realized that I love myself and no one is going to make me feel bad about my body and my needs as long as I am not silent, as long as I let them know this is not okay. I am empowered.
<br>
<br>
The rest of the night passes by and even though I am coming down I still feel so fucking good, it doesn’t even matter. Around 2:30 the show ends and I spend some time moving against pillars and touching the bar before I leave. I make my escape and do the 40 minute walk home through a sketchy part of town but I don’t give a fuck because no one is fucking with me. I am so strong. When I got home I just took off my clothes and put on a setlist from that band and spent time dancing and moving, because I could, because it felt amazing. I had a smooth comedown and fell asleep around 7AM. I had to wake up around 10:30AM as I was meeting my sister to help her buy shit for the consumerism season, and I felt very tired but nowhere near as drained or terrible as an average alcohol hangover.
<br>
<br>
This is really drawn out, but it is so important to me that I write it. This experience was both recreational and therapeutic (and even spiritual to an extent) and I have learned a lot about myself that brings me to tears. It’s my mind, my body, my soul and I get to choose who I share it with.
<br>
<br>
-In a few months I would like to try increasing the LSD dosage and taking the MDMA sooner, maybe 3 hours in. But overall I <!--would definitely still recommend-->liked this timing/dosage.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2014</td><td width="90">ExpID: 105122</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 21</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jan 22, 2019</td><td>Views: 2,332</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=105122&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=105122&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), MDMA (3) : Various (28), Sex Discussion (14), Glowing Experiences (4), Combinations (3), General (1)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/mushrooms/">Mushrooms</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(dried)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">130 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
It was winter break and I had left minnesota to take psychedelics in Arizona with my friends Tony and Landon. We were surrounded by desert in all directions. The only safe haven within a mile was Tony's camper and his parents house a couple blocks away.
<br>
<br>
Tony and I ate the mushrooms in his camper. I munched on a large handful of mostly caps. Then we left the camper and brought LSD to a walled off generator, which supplied the electricity to the surrounding residents— all 4 of them.
<br>
<br>
The come up was euphoric. I wanted to avoid weed because it gave me anxiety, but I gave into the pressure and smoked it anyway. The rest of the trip is being recalled years after and is only revealed to me in random fragments which I must piece together on my own, therefore the timeline is probably not 100% accurate.
<br>
<br>
I was experiencing immense bliss, and all of my social defenses were dismantled. I was singing loudly, laughing uncontrollably, and for the first time in a long while, I was content just being myself. This may sound trivial, but for a teenager who was riddled with avoidance complexes molded by an upbringing of emotional abuse, ‘being myself’ was a moral feat beyond triviality.
<br>
<br>
Then, like the end of a great movie, my perspective expanded; I was outside of my body looking down at the beautiful scene. Landon, Tony, and I were all sitting against the wall laughing, at peace. The light of consciousness began to dim; Darkness encircled us, and the curtains fell. That’s all folks.
<br>
<br>
My self was no longer, for literally all intents and purposes. And it is for this reason that recalling what happened after is so difficult. My self was not there, but instead 'I' was a sort of gradual becoming— a sort of continuation of residual propagation. I had no self-referential awareness because there was no reference to a before or after this residual propagation. Before the lights went out I was definitely propagating somewhere; there was, in a sense, some symbolic quanta contouring and molding my constant propagation towards becoming something. That is, I was a conscious human self living within the confines of social order: before/present/after, in/out, up/down, left/right, me/not-me, etc... But now I was just pure propagation, with nothing to propagate. An unstoppable force in a universe void of any moveable objects. I was nothingness, timeless, existing always and never. A kind of consciousness that is always there, but without a reference: dreamless sleep.
<br>
<br>
However, this empty propagation was still tethered to the previously propagating Symbols. The Symbols with the most weight— which I shall label my ‘Self-Symbols,’ were the ones tethered to the empty propagation. Perhaps ‘empty’ is an inadequate word to describe it. It was more of an expanse beyond all previously understood blueprints of reality; whenever previous blueprints attempted to contour the expanded propagation, they would stretch and contort, then fracture into oblivion. Only the more ingrained Self-Symbols were able to reserve a fragment of their previous symbolic contours long enough to be felt by the whole.
<br>
<br>
That is, when memories of my Self-symbols spontaneously attempted to propagate in their previous manifestation, they pulled on the tethered rops, and fragments of my life came fracturing back into consciousness, but never in their totality. For instance, I would sometimes remember the concept of parents, and that I had them. Then the realization of my life came fracturing back into an amorphous awareness-- a sort of liminal space phasing between annihilation and becoming. There was no body, only understanding and darkness.
<br>
<br>
In order to continue my journey, I needed to jump into the abyss completely naked, stripped of all things known. I needed to say goodbye to my previously propagating Symbols— to terminate the maladaptive blueprint that had been confining my propagation. Sadness was then thrown into this fractured memory storm, and I eventually let it all go. I said goodbye to my to my parents, I knew this journey would require the annihilation of those fragments.
<br>
<br>
I looked towards Tony at one point, and saw instead an infinite array of connected particles. The specific matrix of particles that took the form of Tony proceeded to laugh at my attempt to individualize myself within this infinitely connected array— as if to say “well hello again, going somewhere?” I was in fact trying to go somewhere, but why? Why would I be so foolish again?! I am constantly trying to go somewhere, to propagate something-- the irony of this realization tortured me. I felt it. The familiar terror and awe of this place overwhelmed my entire being. I was unable to make my perspective known to others, because they were not there. I was an arbitrary static array attempting to take shape, to tear myself off from the totality of this matrix. I was trapped in an infinite web of being, but unable to speak, move, or express my terror.
<br>
<br>
The next fragments of the trip involve the motif of humanity’s contact with the unknown. Fully aware of the consequences of making an error in the face of the unknown, we have to overcome our fear of the ‘dark’, to face the terrors that might lurk just out of sight, abstract and physical. I saw this, I lived it out in the desert.
<br>
<br>
I had a brief return back into the orbit of consensus reality— to my body— but it was only partial enough to play a song on my iPhone requested by Tony— ‘divine moments of truth’ by shpongle— then the lights faded out again. Apparently we then decided to take LSD, which “I” could hardly consent to at the time. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">Apparently we then decided to take LSD, which “I” could hardly consent to at the time.</div></div> I was in the midst of dying and becoming, my physical life was but a brief moment in between these two eternities— it made no difference what happened in-between.
<br>
<br>
There were moments where I’d come back to the inbetween— this odd manifestation of human being— and saw more arrays of particles inextricably connecting everything together— the stars, my phone, the ground, my Self. I then blacked out completely for the next couple hours or so.
<br>
<br>
Due to the extraordinary scale of this next experience, only surreal and visceral fragments can be recalled. My being was in a different realm, crawling forward towards the divine totality, towards a sort of existential climax. I was drawing nearer to this climactic end. It was nostalgic. ‘I’ve been here before.’ It felt as if I met entities on the way who knew the answer and almost told me to turn back. I felt terrified, but I kept going. This is where I begin to completely forget. But I do remember a visceral feeling of terror, awe, and absolute ineffability which could never be understood within human manifestation.
<br>
<br>
I was blacked out for a while. Long enough for me to become good friends with Tony's family and Landon's girlfriend— however, I had no recollection of this. The only reason I assume this to be the case is because when the lights turned on I was greeted with goodbye hugs from everyone. They all seemed to love me, but I had no recollection of their existence.
<br>
<br>
I went into the camper and my stomach dropped. Something catastrophic was about to occur. Something horribly catastrophic. It was ineffable, but I understood it on a visceral level, as if what I had just experienced foreshadowed what was to come. Impending doom. I rushed to my laptop on the table in the camper, hoping to contact a loved one, then I looked at Tony, and he said something along the lines of “what’s up dude?” then Landon walked in. This scene repeated for eternity. The despair I felt was indescribable. I would have screamed for help had I not been locked in the manifestation of the loop. Running to my computer, Tony questioning me, Landon walking in. Over and over this continued. The reason the loop was so terrifying wasn’t because it wouldn’t end. That was a given. It’s terror was implicit in the endless realization that this has always been. I have always been here. The life I had lived up until this point was a mere facade, a nice ‘story’ to distract myself from this strange existence I found myself in. There was no before this loop, no after. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">There was no before this loop, no after.</div></div> Something deep began to propagate me forward— a sort of ancient will— as if to say, “MERCY, TAKE ME BACK!”
<br>
<br>
Eventually, the scene played out, and Landon walked through the door and said, “what other people?” “There’s no one else.” I forgot that I had asked them to invite other people over before the loop began. I needed reassurance that I hadn’t died. But they told me there was no one else. My suspicion had been confirmed, I was trapped in this reality forever. Suddenly my consciousness expanded far beyond my conceived universe, and there was an entity waiting there which had always been. I had hit rock bottom. There was nowhere else to go. No forward, no backward, no up, no down, no in, no out. The lifeline connected to my body and world had snapped. There was no mercy this time.
<br>
<br>
I was greeted by an entity composed of an infinite matrix of worm-like creatures, all of them laughing at me with a mocking tone. “How foolish you are to think you’re controlling it all, that you can leave— HAHAHAH— oh you poooor thing.” I fell for the joke. The joke on those who attempted to propagate— to individualize. The further you propagate, the funnier it is on the cosmic scale. The joke which has always been. It was truly the biggest joke in existence. A sort of cosmic rick roll awaiting all entities who attempted it. In Kierkegaard’s Sickness Unto Death, he explains this predicament most distinctly:
<br>
<br>
It is as if an error slipped into an author's [God's] writing and the error [my attempt to keep propagating within my individual perspective] become conscious of itself as an error [my attempt to keep propagating as individual perspective]—perhaps it actually was not a mistake but in a much higher sense an essential part of the whole production—and now this error [my attempt to keep propagating] wants to mutiny against the author [God], out of hatred toward him, forbidding him to correct it and in maniacal defiance saying to him: No, I refuse to be erased; I will stand as a witness against you, a witness that you are a second-rate author [God].
<br>
<br>
The only difference was that there was no hatred in my attempt, only a realization of ignorance, terror and humility (However, perhaps my mutiny/resistance to the totality is in a sense what caused my terror and humility).
<br>
<br>
There were moments when I’d come back to earth and Landon was standing in front of me. He pretended to punch me in the face to get me to move. I saw it and felt the energy exerted in the punch. I felt his fist get inches away from my face, but I didn’t care. I didn’t even blink. The pain I was feeling far exceeded physical pain. I was then transported back to the place-that-has-always-been— the entities all waiting for me to remember. The torment I felt was unbearable, but there was nothing else to bear it but the individual entity being laughed at. For a brief moment, after eternity had past, I looked upon my individual point on this infinite array, and then I let it go. In turn I let go of not just my Self-Symbols but of the whole repertoire of Symbols that composed the blueprint of my life, and of existence itself. I realized that I was also one of the worm-like entities, the same as the ones who were laughing at me in the cosmic play. I let it all go-- the shame, humiliation, terror, sadness, and I felt a faint bliss begin to pour out. It was beautiful, but distant, then I woke up. I was laying on the couch inside of Tony’s camper.
<br>
<br>
And just like that, everything was back. I was fully being-in-the-world again, and was more myself than I had ever been. It took a trip through hell— to the final rung— to cry, to break down the defenses of my persona. The absolute hilarity of holding back tears, or of holding back words I was too worried about saying. With that being said, I was also absolutely terrified of what the world could be, and was hesitant to go to sleep in fear that I would just be brought back to that place.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2015</td><td width="90">ExpID: 112217</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 19</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Feb 18, 2019</td><td>Views: 1,637</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=112217&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=112217&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Difficult Experiences (5), Entities / Beings (37), Combinations (3), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/alcohol/">Alcohol</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">85 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I should preface this with a bit of background on myself. It might seem needlessly wordy, but it's kind of important to understand my own mindset and background to understand the significance of some parts of my experience I think.
<br>
<br>
I've always found myself a bit different than others growing up. In hindsight, I've come to realize I probably have some degree of undiagnosed high-functioning Aspergers - something psychedelics have helped tremendously with in terms of its accompanying social anxiety, but that's a story for another time. INTJ personality. Generally pretty 'serious'.
<br>
<br>
I grew up in a conservative Christian household, and while I do respect my parents for trying to provide me with what they felt was the best possible upbringing, I never really believed it. I always loved discussing and reading philosophy. In college, I got pretty enamored with Marxist Dialectical Materialism as a worldview, and I still maintain it today; despite the experiences I'm about to relay, I don't believe anything other than a chemical acting on receptors in my brain was responsible for the experience I had. Nevertheless, it was one of the most intriguing experiences of my life, and one I have and intend to repeat many more times. It's shown me that the brain is clearly capable of producing a much wider variety of states of consciousness than most people realize. And that's a true pity.
<br>
<br>
After university, I moved to China. It was something I'd always wanted to do really. I'd always been infatuated with the culture, and I felt in a number of ways my outlook on the world probably would make me feel less alienated here. For the most part, this has been the case. I was borderline depressed before coming here, and definitely have gotten a lot better, and still very much love the culture.
<br>
<br>
Prior to this experience, I'd had some experience with THC and MDMA. Both were interesting enough in their own way, but nothing on this level. For about a year, at this point, I'd been interesting in trying more 'serious' psychedelics, but never really knew where to acquire them. Then kind of out of the blue, my usual hookup for marijuana offered to sell me a sugar cube of LSD. I was kind of intimidated, but definitely intrigued.
<br>
<br>
It was about a week or so before I actually took it. I wanted it to be the 'right' time. I'd done enough preliminary research to know the importance of 'set and setting'. The day I chose was in early autumn. The leaves were just starting to change, I think, but it was still decently warm out. My favorite time of year actually.
<br>
<br>
I took the sugar cube out of its hiding place, and with admittedly little ceremony (and strangely little apprehension in the moment) put it in one of the insulated bottles for making tea that are so popular here in China and proceeded to mix it with a nice chai tea in hopes the soothing flavor would gently drift me into it.
<br>
<br>
At first, of course, I felt nothing. A slight pang of anxiety, the realization that the LSD was now in my stomach and soon enough would start to enter my bloodstream and thereby exert its effect on my brain, and there was nothing really I could do now to prevent that. I tried my best to pass that away and look forward to it with excitement. I went into the shower and let the warm water fall over me - a ritual I still do most times when I dose to help deal with any potential anxiety. At the time, I had the song 'What a Wonderful World' playing on my phone. Not my normal taste in music, but I figured it had a positive message and calming vibe; should help to avoid any potential freakouts.
<br>
<br>
Maybe twenty or so minutes after dosing, I still didn't particularly feel too much of an effect, as was to be expected. I was kind of torn between staying inside (not knowing what to expect, this seemed more prudent) and going outside and seeing the full effects of how my perception of the world might be changed. I decided for a sort of safe middle ground: there was a pretty nice garden area in the apartment complex I lived in. I figured I could walk around it a bit and see how I felt, and if it got too bad, presumably I could retreat back to the safety of my apartment.
<br>
<br>
I walked around outside for maybe fifteen minutes or so - a bit past the 30 minute mark - when I began to feel the first effects coming on. It was subtle; no visual distortion really. I just got this sort of subtle, but strong, urge to sit down at a certain bench. Not really knowing how a psychedelic state was 'supposed' to feel, I tried to focus my mind on some problems I'd been having in a few social relationships at the time, thinking perhaps the substance would in some way 'talk back' to me and give me some sort of insight that my sober mind couldn't reach.
<br>
<br>
I did indeed start to receive 'thoughts' back, thoughts I wasn't consciously generating, or so it seemed. But rather than dealing with the problems, these thoughts seemed to basically say 'Now is not the time to worry about such things. If you stress out about them in this state, you'll end up in a very bad state.' After 'receiving' that thought several times, I decided to trust whatever it was that was sending me such an intuition and stop focusing on such matters.
<br>
<br>
The comeup was actually quite quick from here. Before I realized it, my thoughts were going in 'loops'; mercifully something in my brain had had the foresight to warn me of this chemical's effects and the potential for freaking one's self out before I'd gotten that far. Not knowing how 'high' I would end up, and wanting to avoid any possibility of freaking out in public, I quickly made my way back to my apartment.
<br>
<br>
Returning, I felt a lot more calm, but my mind was still going in all kinds of directions. There was an anxious energy to the chemical itself, but paradoxically a much stronger sense of calm. If anything, I felt a bit jittery, but not necessarily in a bad way.
<br>
<br>
The first visual effects started to kick in here. I like to collect historic Chinese posters; one of them I had on the wall was of Chairman Mao addressing a large crowd with an uplifted arm. While the borders of objects remained quite distinct, I could perceive his facial expressions changing. While the poster depicted him with a more-or-less stoic expression, I saw his face seem to be 'squished' a bit vertically (without the actual borders between objects seeming to be altered at all, oddly), this having the effect of him seeming to have a somewhat unnatural smile on his face. In turn, it would shift back to normal, then to the 'shrunken, smiling' form many many times.
<br>
<br>
Outside the window there was a large billboard advertising toothpaste on an opposite building. A man was smiling with really white teeth. No real visual changes to his form, but ever time I looked at it, I also smiled and laughed kind of giddily. It was like looking at that picture gave me the expression of the man in it, but only superficially. I didn't feel the sort of extreme artificial happiness one tends to experience on say MDMA; just for whatever reason compelled to mimic that man's expression.
<br>
<br>
For a while I kind of chilled, listening to some music I liked and glancing back and forth between the Mao poster and the billboard outside.
<br>
<br>
After a while I decided to go into the bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror to see if I could get a depersonalization effect. My pupils were a bit wider than normal; noticeable to me, but I doubt strangers would have thought anything of it. Nothing too extreme. I again had the same sort of urge to laugh kind of giddily, deliriously, and think I said something to the effect of 'Wow, you're really high now, you motherfucker'. It was kind of interesting, but not particularly more trippy than staring at one's self in the mirror while sober<!--(try it if you haven't!)--> already is for me, so I got tired of it after a while.
<br>
<br>
At this point, more than 90 minutes had passed. I remembered reading that peak intensity of a trip is reached at about the 90 minute mark, from which point it's a very long, gradual, decrease in intensity (further trips have more or less confirm this to be the case for me at least). I figured since I didn't seem to be going outright insane or seeing things that absolutely weren't there - basically I could still functionally interact with reality even if my mind was still in 'loops' - it was probably 'safe' to go out again.
<br>
<br>
I called a taxi to a park I quite liked downtown. Parks in China are actually really big; to the point that even though you're physically in the middle of a city, you don't really notice; it's basically a world into itself. Lots of traditional style buildings, tea houses, a small lake in the middle. I figured it'd be a nice place to chill for a while. A part of me thought it was foolhardy to go out in public alone on a substance I was trying for the first time. Technically, that probably was a very valid point to have made. But in the state I was in, I decided to go for it.
<br>
<br>
I grabbed a few bottles of water and the philosophy book I was reading at the time and headed out. I sat in the back of the taxi, listening to my music. Normally I like to talk to taxi drivers to practice Chinese, but I was worried he would be able to tell I was in an off sort of state if I talked to him, so I just showed the location on my phone, and off we went.
<br>
<br>
I remembering noticing how different the motion of other cars seemed to be. Again, they weren't physically in places they shouldn't be at any given point; they never took up more or less space than they should. Yet, the motion itself seemed far more “fluid”, more like the way that water moves than solid objects. It's an effect I've noticed again on subsequent trips.
<br>
<br>
At some point through the drive, we got stuck in bad traffic, and the driver turned around to talk to me. He seemed a good natured fellow; mid 40s probably. Quite friendly and seemed to assume I was a tourist. He suggested some other places I could visit in the city nearby. Unfortunately I was in such an odd mental state that there was something of a “mental lag”. I “realized” he'd spoken probably about 10 seconds after actually hearing him, meaning in effect I'd stared at him all that time without responding. He probably thought I was insane or something. I tried to play it off as simply not knowing Chinese. He smiled and told me to listen to my music. Don't think he suspected psychedelics, but probably thought I was a bit “off”. Oh well. At the time I didn't much care.
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It was only slightly later, on the way to the park, when it happened. The “other” voice – the one that had “talked” to me back outside my apartment – started speaking to me again. Only it wasn't in audible sound; it was in the form of a thought, but a thought I myself wasn't consciously generating. I felt a great sense of love – maternal love. And the thought repeated over and over in my mind “This is the very beginning; you can always return to this state.”
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I felt psychologically “pure”; like a child just born without all the ingrained prejudices and unfounded assumptions society forces into us. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I felt psychologically “pure”; like a child just born without all the ingrained prejudices and unfounded assumptions society forces into us.</div></div> Over and over again, softly, it – no She – it definitely had a feminine persona, despite being generated by my own brain told me “You can always come back to this state.”
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I felt a great happiness at this revelation. No matter what happened in life, no matter what troubles lie ahead, no matter what mistakes I might make, there was always a chance to return to that pure, innocent, childlike state. This was a feeling, a realization, that remained with me for the entire duration of the trip actually, and something that continues to give me solace to this day.
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On some level it took my thoughts to ideas I'd already contemplated. Nietzsche's idea of “Infinite Return”. Poincarre Recurrence. I might literally have that experience and every other an infinite amount of times, even in a purely material universe, and THAT itself was amazing.
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Arriving at the park, I was almost at once struck by a sort of child-like curiosity. Everything was simply fascinating, especially natural things. Every flower seemed beautiful, and I wanted to study and learn and understand each. There was a dance going on with dancers in traditional Chinese clothing. I'd seen similar performances before, but in this state it seemed to be the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. Actually, anything remotely beautiful did for as long as it held my focus.
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I saw a mother holding her baby. She saw me, smiled then turned to her baby and talked to him in the sort of childish language that mothers naturally do to their children. In the mindset I was in, it seemed “right” to me as well. It was strange; my intellectual capacity was as normal. My memory more or less intact, my thoughts just fine. I felt at once an adult and a child; having all the capacity of the former, and all the wonder of the latter. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I felt at once an adult and a child; having all the capacity of the former, and all the wonder of the latter.</div></div>
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I walked around a bit. From time to time paranoia seemed to creep up, and I feared others might know I was out in public on drugs. To more or less satisfy my paranoia, I walked around constantly fake-texting on my phone, to give myself an excuse not to have to make eye contact with anyone. I wondered actually how much of the social phenomenon of people overusing cellphones was due to social anxiety.
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I finally made my way to the lake. It was early afternoon, and the sun was reflecting off it. The reflections were amazing. It's hard to explain. Physically it looked more or less the same. But I perceived it as more …. “shiny” I suppose. As if the light was somehow brighter than it actually was, in a soft but sharp way. Brilliant, but without glare.
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I tried to read the philosophy book I'd brought with me. But it seemed that instead of being able to read it in a linear fashion, I would get “stuck” on each sentence or idea. As I read any particular such sentence, it seemed in that moment the most profound thing I'd ever read, but I'd be unable to connect it with anything else – even the very next sentence. After some time, I gave up on trying to read anything coherent.
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Probably for the best. She returned then. She told me she was my mother; my true mother. She was the universe itself, causality that had led to my existence. Yet she had personality. She was full of love, but not weak. No, she was strong, brave. A heroic revolutionary, at every moment fighting and sacrificing herself for a better world for me, for all her “children”. She took the archetype of a particular revolutionary woman I quite admired.
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My “father”, so she said, was the philosophical spirit I'd embraced, guiding me but respecting me enough to allow me to struggle to get there, for it was the struggle that made me stronger. He too took the archetype of a revolutionary man I admired, but never addressed me directly. No, I knew him well enough through the words he'd left behind for me.
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I was as a child then, full of curiosity and wonder in a perfect garden, under the watchful care of my loving, and yet, pure, proud and strong “mother” and “father”. They would always be with me, She said, watching over from afar. I asked Her many questions, about suffering in the world, what might be done to reduce it to its lowest possible value. She told me that was hard to answer – even for her. Society was a system of so many humans interacting together, all with their own goals and intentions and faults, and so even with the best of intentions, it was difficult to achieve such a thing.
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Yet I would try, She told me. She was proud of me for that.
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I then brought up a different question, one I feared, but needed to ask. What about those who start off with good intentions – or at least seem to as far as one's motivations can be determined by their actions – who risked much to advance the cause of liberation, but in the end pervert the cause to self-serving ends. I brought up a case of a person I felt had done just that.
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She was saddened, I could tell, a bit at the mention, but obliged me. It is a dark world we live in with much unnecessary suffering. Many start with pure intentions to reduce this, but the struggle is not an easy one. It's so easy to lose one's way, compromise one's purity. She told me a story to illustrate:
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There was another boy like me, raised by Her and Him. They raised him to love science, investigate and question everything; to strive to do everything in his ability to help the oppressed. And as he grew, he did just that. And yet in doing so, he gained fame – fame in association with his father's and mother's deeds which he feared he could never amount to. It was sad, She told me, because he might have done so much more than either of his parents if he had forged his own path without looking back, without comparing himself to them. This constant comparison to his parents in his own mind eventually drove him to all of the behaviors I saw as corrupt and evil. It was not so much that he desired to do harm from the start, as it was a compulsion deriving from his own internal feelings of fear, weakness, and inadequecy. Feelings I too had struggled with all my life.
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“But you have not done as he has done”. She told me. “Not so far, certainly.”
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She showed me parts of my life where I'd done things I have to admit were harmful to others in nature. As much as I strive for a certain ideal to change the world for the better, I don't always live up to it. But I'd yet to do anything so harmful to others to lose my “purity”. Merely those were inclinations I'd best try to conquer before moving forward in life.
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I was a boy, in the garden, full of curiosity. Just like the “fallen” boy and so many others. Like all of them, I held potential to effect society in innumerable ways for better or worse. But again, She reminded me, I could always return to this state of innocence. So, too, She reminded me, could even have all of those I judged as having betrayed the cause. I was no “better” or “worse” than anyone else apart from the choices I made; but even then, even if I truly messed up and made a disaster of my life – something I dreaded – She would always welcome me back to this state if I was willing. I promised her I always would be.
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I left the park and started walking. I felt the sudden desire to get a milk tea. I hadn't really eaten at that point, and while not particularly hungry, I figured it would be good to get some nutrients in the system. By now the feelings of love from Her were so intense, I could barely keep my composure. Using my status as a foreigner to my advantage, I just pointed at a milk tea on the menu to avoid having to talk to the cashier. In that sort of state I doubted I could have had anything resembling a conversation with anyone but Her.
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The décor of the cafe itself was quite fitting. A cartoon of a young, scholarly looking man reading a book for the logo, but with very childish anime-esque aesthetics that the rest of the cafe seemed to match. I was on the verge of tears, but in a very good way. Tears of joy, of feeling acceptance by Her, the universe itself. Knowing that reality, causality itself accepted me, approved of my “quest” in life, offered Her moral support. It was wonderful.
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I struggled my best to keep a normal composure outward. I drank the tea slowly and pretended to read the book – again, I couldn't focus on more than a sentence or two at a time. Mostly She had stopped “talking”, but the feeling of peace and innocence and love was stronger than ever.
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One thing I do remember Her telling me in that cafe though was something along the lines of:
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“Be good to the woman who has been your mother in this life. She's tried so hard to raise you well, and she's had such a hard life herself.”
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I don't think I actually believe the metaphysical implications of the statement in a sober state – but at the time it seemed to make perfect sense. The fundamental level causality – Her – was of course my TRUE mother. The woman who physically gave birth to me was a much lower level of causality. That actually jived with materialism just fine. But she seemed to imply that both my physical mother and myself had had many experiences prior to our current lifespans.
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I'd generally scoff at anything so idealist, but this was coming from Her – taking the persona of one of the women I most respected in history (and a devoted Dialectical Materialist herself) – and in such an emotional state, it made perfect sense. Given that She told it to me, and gave me such good advice on so many other matters, I've tried to see if I can synthesize the statement with materialism in any way (the idea of “Infinite Return” comes to mind, admittedly). But I think it was a deeper meaning than just literal She was getting at:
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I realized that even though my parents and I had our differences of opinions on politics and religion and other related things – differences that had definitely strained our relationships – they really did mean well. They really did love me. And while I'd never FELT that love in such a strong way as I did in that moment, their love for me as their son was just as strong; if anything, my parents struggling with their own issues and still having love for me despite our differences, were all the more commendable.
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In the next few days after the trip, I decided to try to resolve some of the underlying issues between my parents and myself. It still isn't fully resolved; human experiences and relationships are rarely easy. But She gave me a new motivation to try.
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She told me a few other things I think, but I've since forgotten some of them.
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At this point, I felt quite calm, and ready to move on. It was getting near sunset, so I decided to take a taxi to a bar that was opening for the first time that night, knowing a lot of my friends would be there. There were similar visual effects of other cars seeming to “swim” by us. Otherwise just a calm feeling; thoughts were still racing from all the new experiences and ideas, but by now it was more of me trying to analyze what had happened than talking to Her. Unfortunately Her voice was gone (and wouldn't return until several trips later), but She'd left me a lot to think about.
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I arrived at the building the bar was at, and walked in pretty much on autopilot. In China, a lot of bars are on the top floors of apartment buildings, so I took the elevator to get up. Another foreigner got in with me, and started talking to me; he could clearly tell I was in a pretty out-of-it state and asked if I'd been smoking weed. I was pretty much just staring at things, probably looked like a psycho. I just nodded yes, still not really able to talk much. I figured it was easier than explaining it to a total stranger.
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Turns out he ended up going to the same bar as I was. It had a pretty chill vibe. It was fully evening by the time I turned up, and there were lots of colorful lights out that looked really pretty. I took a seat on a beanbag chair outside and got a nice glass of cider. I still figured I wasn't in much of a state to talk to people, and just kind of chilled, staring at the lights and grinning kind of childishly.
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A friend of mine was working there, came up and gave me a hug. She too could tell I wasn't in a normal state. She's pretty psychedelic-friendly, so I think she figured what was up, so gave me some space.
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After about an hour or so, I'd come down even more. By now, it started to resemble MDMA without the physical stimulant effect. Instead of being unable to talk to people, I became VERY talkative, and started wanting to talk to just about everyone. I properly introduced myself to the man I'd met on the elevator, explained what was up. He found it kind of funny; he was high on weed himself and said he didn't judge, but wouldn't touch LSD. I told him he was really missing out.
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Beyond that, I had a lot of conversations with a lot of friends for about two hours. Felt great.
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A friend and I went back to my home to watch a film together – Interstellar. I still felt vaguely “trippy”, but more or less normal, just a little “happier” and more curious than normal. The film seemed to fit perfectly with the revelations She had given me.
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I went to sleep blissfully that night. I often lucid dream by keeping my mind awake while my body physically falls asleep, and tried to do that then. I had lots of very interesting visuals, but eventually ended up sleeping normally. I woke up the next morning feeling more refreshed than normal. I had to go to work, but there was a subtle good feeling to life all day.
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All in all, LSD has changed my life for the better I'd say. It's definitely a chemical that should be treated with the proper respect (or more so, as She told me in a later trip which I might publish later – it's not so much the chemical itself as one's own brain that one needs to be treating with the proper respect, as the seat of one's mind), and with the right set and setting in mind.<!--But for those curious and wise enough to take proper precautions, I couldn't recommend it any higher.--><!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2016</td><td width="90">ExpID: 111186</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 26</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Mar 16, 2019</td><td>Views: 2,273</td></tr>
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Various (28), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Nature / Outdoors (23), Mystical Experiences (9), Glowing Experiences (4), First Times (2), General (1)</td></tr>
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<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
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<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 4:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">vaporized</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/dmt/">DMT</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(freebase)</b></td>
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<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 4:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
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<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">165 lb</td>
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<!-- The following is a real story about psychedelic drug use, if the subject matter bothers you please refrain from continuing. It’s important that the reader be at least somewhat familiar with what DMT is in order for any of this to make any kind of sense, I realize that in order to have found this report you’re likely well acquainted with the subject, but I want for everyone to be able to appreciate this. Dimethyltryptamine, (DMT) is the most powerful class of psychadelics we are currently aware of. It also happens to be endogenously produced, meaning our bodies actually produce the compound, so from the moment you’re born to the moment you die you have the most powerful psychedelic drug in your brain, so do all mammals as far as I know. It is thought to be the cause of dreams, near death experiences and some alien abduction stories. The typical “smoked” freebase DMT trip is very fast in onset and very short lasting, usually around 15 minutes in total. The molecule is destroyed by the monoamine oxidase in your stomach before it’s able to pass your blood brain barrier and have the desired effect. Combining DMT with an MAOI (monoamine oxidase inhibitor) allows it to be ingested orally, this is known as ayahuasca, which I’m led to believe has become quite popular among the yuppie class who like to travel to South America to exploit the last remaining vestages of an ancient land, ritual and people before they’re all bulldozed over for that sweet sweet palm oil. (I kid, I kid.) -->My only experience is with DMT freebase. The MAOI in ayahuasca typically leads to severe gastrointestinal distress, pain, diarrhea, and vomiting are typical of the experience, and I’m not all that interested in shitting and puking my brains out as they are simultaneously sucked into the interstellar vacuum. There are multiple “levels” of the DMT trip, the most intense being what’s known as a “breakthough” dose, which is said to be the most powerful experience a person can have, after having been through it, I’m inclined to agree.
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I want to note that I did not undertake this experience as a rank amateur. At this point in my psychedelic journey I was smoking DMT at least once a week and had well over dozen trips under my belt, as well as several acid trips, mushroom trips, mdma, and 2cb. You could say I fancied myself a psychonaut who could handle his shit. I have since been humbled. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I fancied myself a psychonaut who could handle his shit. I have since been humbled.</div></div>
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<!--Like many people who have tried getting into DMT, -->I was having no luck actually breaking through, I would get close, but never actually to the point of a full breakthrough experience. I thought that maybe I had broken through a couple of times, but one thing I’ve since come to realize is that there is no “maybe” to a breakthrough experience, if you have to ask upon exiting a DMT trip, “Did I break through?” the answer is no. <!--You did not.-->
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One thing that I feel obligated to get out of the way now is that this effort of mine, to describe my experience, will be a colossal failure. I will do my best, but I will fall short, language is simply insufficient to convey a breakthrough experience to someone who hasn’t had the experience. I like to think of describing a breakthrough as trying to describe a 3 dimensional object you’ve never seen by a memory of its shadow. That being said, there will be no hyperbole in the following paragraphs, everything will be described to the best of my abilities. The gravity of the situation cannot be overstated, this is an experience that changed me at my core, an experience that shattered my perceptions of the universe and scattered the powdered remnants into the cosmic wind. The report will be split into two parts, the first will entail the experience as I remember it, not necessarily in the exact chronological order in which they occurred, time is a bit strange in the DMT world, and I’ve pieced what I can remember into a series of events that to me makes sense. The second part will be about how I have processed this experience over the past couple of years (yes, it has taken me that long to finally feel comfortable writing up a report), and how it has changed my core beliefs involving religion, consciousness, and indeed existence itself.
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Part One: The Experience
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It was a hot summer Saturday, my wife was at work and I was home alone with nothing to do, so I decided dropping some acid would be a good way to spend the day. I had recently gotten some 120μg tabs and I decided 2 would be a good dose, as one never seems to do all that much to me. One thing I love doing while on acid is listening to Terence McKenna, his way of speaking, the lateral thinking he displays and the novel ideas he puts forth are always more entertaining and inspiring to me while on acid. On this fateful day I happened to come across a video in which he describes smoking DMT while peaking on acid, and it seemed to make breaking through much easier, and I happened to have a stash of DMT and was nearing the 4 hour mark of my trip. In hindsight the hubris that follows is almost comical. I nonchalantly got my bong out, spread a layer of cannabis in the bowl, measured out 50mg of DMT, and put another layer of cannabis over the DMT. For any not in the know, the purpose of the cannabis was less to add to the high and more to protect and absorb the DMT, DMT is destroyed by open flames and becomes liquid when heated, so the bottom layer absorbs the liquid and stops it from just running into the water while the top layer keeps the flame from directly contacting your expensive DMT. <!--When you “smoke” DMT you’re actually vaporizing it, combustion destroys it.-->
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I looked at the clock on my stove, which I can see from the living room, 4:32. I flicked my bic, placed the flame to the bowl and inhaled as deeply as I could. One hit. One hit is all I was ABLE to do, as before I even remember exhaling I was gone, I don’t know if I coughed, I don’t know how long I was able to hold it in. Fast is an entirely insufficient adjective to describe how fast freebase DMT hit me, especially already peaking on LSD. It doesn’t seem physically possible how fast it hit, it’s as if my brain started dumping it endogenously in preparation for the freebase that’s about to hit it, it’s the closest thing to an instantaneous effect I’ve ever felt.
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I just messed up, bad. This is something entirely different from the experiences I’ve known to this point, this was somehow REAL, this combination had done something to alter the very fabric of reality, and I knew immediately that I had made a huge mistake. I remember looking at the purple and orange, sun and moon tie-dye tapestry we have hanging on our wall (yes we’re hippies, get over it) and having the colors and spiral shape spread across the entire room, with every piece of furniture taking on orange and purple colors, and then distorting and spiraling upwards as if I were about to receive a visit from the Cat in the Hat. The visitor I actually received was far less pedestrian than a talking cat from a Dr. Seuss story. This orange and purple spiraling was the only open eye visual I managed to see, as immediately after taking the hit I fell back on our old futon and was no longer able to hold my eyes open. Eyes closed, mind opened.
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Everything was black and eerily silent at first as I felt myself begin to be pulled/pushed upwards, away from my body. Looking up I saw blackness, with a pinprick of white, this white was what I was floating towards, slowly, and inexorably. I looked down, I could see… myself, my body, the crappy futon that had long outstayed its welcome, there was a hole in my ceiling through which I could see myself getting smaller as I moved upwards towards the waiting unknown.
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That’s when the real terror began. I knew I was never coming back, that my wife was going to come home and find me comatose, and that old futon that I hated so much would be where I died. I was going to leave my wife alone, forcing her to find me in that condition, scarring her for life because I had thought myself capable of concomitant psychedelic use when nothing was further from the truth. I felt powerless, stupid, selfish, I hated myself in that moment. This was terrifying, because I knew it was real, there was no doubt in my mind. As I continued being pulled from above and pushed from below, getting further and further from my body the layers of myself began peeling away. Slowly, every aspect of me that I could call “me” was being discarded, the last part of myself that I desperately clung to was my wife, the memories of her, both of loving tenderness and bitter arguments, I didn’t want to lose her, she had to be forcibly torn from my grasp, and it wasn’t a pleasant experience. This was ego death, this was me dying, and from this point on I didn’t really consider myself to be myself, there was no ego attached to me with which perceive the event. I will continue to use “I” and “my" but that’s only because that’s how our memory works, I wasn’t me anymore, I understand the confusing, and unintuitive nature of this perspective, of being conscious, of witnessing, participating, thinking, reacting, and feeling without an “I” to be.
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With the fading of my ego came the fading of my resolve to cling to myself, and with much fear and trepidation of what was to follow, I finally let go of myself completely, I allowed myself to die. Once I let go, and accepted my dying, an overwhelming calm swept across me and the pervasive blackness all around began teeming with activity, light, and voices. These voices, singular in tone and pitch and yet innumerable in repetition and seeming sources were feminine in energy, maternal, and loving. The love I felt from those voices, the care, the worry for me, I’ll forever hold onto that feeling, there was a genuine, unabashedly accepting quality that left no doubt in my mind that the amount of love they felt for me was complete. The voices kept repeating the same mantras “We just don’t know, we don’t know, we just don’t know.” And though the words were vague, the meaning was crystal clear and unambiguous to me. They didn’t know what was on the other side, and they were sending me to find out, they were worried about me, they loved me and didn’t want any harm to befall me, but they were grateful that I was going to find out, that I had volunteered. For some reason I have always attached the name “Gaia” to these voices, they seemed to belong to the earth itself somehow.
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As I looked down again I could no longer see myself, instead what presented was ethereal, green, verdant energy in wafting tendrils like a kelp forest composed of light, swaying gently in calm sea. There were spots of light in all colors, photons slowed to crawl so that I could examine them, appreciate them, name them individually. I then turned my attention upwards and the pinprick of white light had grown exponentially and was now a shimmering white wall, pulling me towards it, beckoning me to enter it and behold the majesty within. There was a voice on the other side, masculine, less kind and loving than the one that had ushered me to this point, but far from malicious.
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As I came to the wall the light that had surrounded me again faded to blackness and the loving voices stopped. What I could hear now from the wall was a continuous, low humming sound that didn’t grow louder as I neared it, but somehow fuller, more complete, as if it were a frequency that had begun resonating inside of my mind. As I neared the wall I began to feel a tingling sensation from being near it, as if it were composed of a static electric charge. I entered the wall, it didn’t open for me, but I was able to pass through with no resistance. As I did there was a crinkling, crackling noise, reminiscent of a potato chip bag crumpling. My vision was entirely white, I passed through it.
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The sight I was confronted with directly on the other side should have left me mortified, but it didn’t. There, suspended in space was my own decapitated head, but it wasn’t macabre or gruesome in any sense. My head was being used as a projector, images beaming out of my eyes showing my life playing out, the stresses, pains, and pleasures I’ve enjoyed and endured. Then the voice spoke up, there was no body to this voice, it was a calm, masculine, objective sounding voice, no love, but no malice either, it said to me “This is what it took” and a set of images played out that he seemed to control. These images were my own memories, of times I’ve displayed curiosity in the face of adversity, how I’ve shown courage, made sacrifices and refused to believe what I was told, choosing to find out for myself. Simply in getting here I had to make myself an enemy of the culture in which I live, a criminal, ostracized and having to keep who I truly am under wraps from family and coworkers. I am brave, perhaps a bit foolhardy at times, but I have shown a sense of courage that most are unwilling to match.
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It should be known that I have severe depression, and don’t often think positively about myself. I considered myself a coward, weak, and deserving of the ostracism I fear. Being shown all of these things that are undeniably true, and also positive, filled me with a heretofore unknown sense of satisfaction with myself, who I am, who I am becoming, how I think, and how I think about my thoughts. I’ve never had myself shown to me in such an objective light. He wasn’t trying to make me feel good, he was simply showing me who I am, who I was in life. Indeed if I were a different person, with a different set of experiences, if I were an abusive, Machiavellian, greedy, and all around shitty person, being shown my life’s actions without the filter of my ego would have been hell. Bad people aren’t bad in their minds, they have justifications for their actions that allows them to hold onto the myth that they are decent people. This entity’s purpose seemed to be to show those who come to him who they are, objectively, without emotion, without justification.
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When he was finished there was a loud, echoing snap noise, someone snapping their fingers in a cave. At this sound, I dissolved. Each and every molecule and atom of my being separated and dispersed throughout the universe, I was nothing, I was everything. “I am God.” Just like that, with three tiny, prodigious words, everything I knew as a devout secular atheist vanished. How can I say there is no God when I AM God? What is God? God is existence, God is consciousness, and I am God. Before my eyes was laid infinity, the scope, the scale, the grandeur of the universe, it was too much to handle but I had no choice, it was there and so was I. This is the part of the trip that sadly has lost the most detail, I’m left with more of an absolute impression than the individual details. I recall traveling vast distances, visiting distant worlds and observing alien life. I saw the Mandelbrot of existence in its entirety all at once, viewing every individual fractal spire in intimate, individual detail while simultaneously marveling at the beauty and immensity of the image as a whole. I was pervasive throughout the Universe and could travel wherever I wanted at a whim, instantly. I knew everything, I watched stars go from disparate gas clouds to supernovae, seeing every second of their lives in an instant. This was pure happiness, knowledge on a scale impossible to contain in a human mind. I then began falling, slowly at first, accelerating constantly.
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I didn’t pass through any of the “levels” I had crossed when coming, instead I fell into blackness, but I was falling from every direction, the atoms composing my being returning from their cosmic diaspora, coalescing back into myself, and as I fell I became myself again. Piece by piece I began to remember who and what I was, I looked down and I was falling towards the Earth, I could again see my body through a hole in my roof, I was falling towards it with the acceleration of gravity. I passed through my roof, then my ceiling, I landed back inside of myself and immediately opened my eyes and inhaled deeply, awake, aware. I looked around the room, everything was tinted green, the walls were covered in impossible constantly transforming opalescent geometric patterns, I looked at one of my dogs, Spicy, a short, squat bulldog/pitbull mix, someone had clearly been having fun in photoshop with her, colors and contrast altered unnaturally, her brindle pattern fuzzing into the air itself, she was a spectrum of matter fading into nothing at the edges, and I said out loud “Thank God, everything is back to normal.” Compared to where I just was this was normal, this was the reality I know, just altered somewhat. I looked at the clock, 4:37. 5 minutes. All of that happened in the course of 5 minutes, coming out it felt like literal weeks, while I was there time seemed not to exist at all, or at least not in the linear way we know it. But I was back, after knowing for sure that I wouldn’t be, and I was happy, I couldn’t wait for my wife to get home, to hug her, to know for sure that I came back and everything was the same.
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But nothing has been the same, how could it be after what I’ve experienced? I truly see the world differently, my core beliefs, altered irreparably by a 5 minute experience. This was by far the most terrifying event in my life, I died, that’s not hyperbole, I lost who I was and thought I would never get it back. Scary though it may have been, it was also by far and away the most powerful experience I’ve ever had, this is an experience that redefined the words “power” and “awe” for me, I didn’t know what those words meant, the true definitions aren’t to be found in a dictionary, they must be experienced to be comprehended. Do I regret my irresponsible actions, putting myself into a situation I wasn’t ready for? Absolutely not, I can’t say this experience was one I necessarily enjoyed in the moment, but I haven’t regretted doing it for even one second. Would I have done it if I had known what I was in for? Absolutely not, I haven’t repeated this combination because every time I think about doing it I’m viciously aware of what I’m likely to go through, that kills the desire outright, it’s scary as hell now that I know. Do I recommend anyone else combine LSD and DMT? Absolutely not, I only say this because of how immensely terrifying the experience was, I’m not going to stop anyone from going down the road I went down. but I cannot in good conscience recommend someone else repeat my actions, this is a decision to be made by mature adults, for themselves, you are the master of your own destiny and will reap what you sow.
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Will I do it again? I’d like to think yes, but not anytime soon I’m honestly scared of DMT now <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">Will I do it again? I’d like to think yes, but not anytime soon I’m honestly scared of DMT now</div></div>, it was my favorite drug from the moment I got my first good hit (despite the taste) I’ve now done it 3 times in the past two years, despite it being right there, beckoning. Was this an overall positive experience? Absolutely, no single experience has changed my thought processes and opened my mind more than this one, I really think I learned more about this universe in that single trip than in all my years of school.
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If you are thinking of trying this combination, it’s imperative that you have ample experience with both LSD and DMT separately, and remember that it’s not LSD *plus* DMT, it’s LSD *times* DMT. One piece of advice for anyone embarking on this journey, just let go, you will come back, don’t cling to yourself, your loved ones, or anything in this world that you deem important, you’re leaving all of that behind when you agree to take these molecules into your body, it’s not a decision to make lightly.
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Part 2: Processing
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It’s now been 2 full years since this experience, and I’m not sure if I’ve gone 8 full hours without thinking about it at least once. This was a legitimate religious experience. I didn’t think religious experiences were actually possible until I had one. The term had the same significance to me as the term “fairy tale”. Now it carries more significance than I’m sure it does to 90% of devout Christians, a truly religious experience is far more profound to the individual than anything that can be found in the Bible.
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Now, on being God. This whole “I am God” thing really threw me for a loop and I had to think a long, long time about what that meant. Do I think I’m the Christian God? No, I don’t believe in the Christian God, I don’t believe I’m anymore God than anyone else, but I think everyone else is also God. God is existence, consciousness. It’s not some separate entity to be worshipped, because everything is God. I believe Our brains do not generate consciousness, rather consciousness is a dimension and our brains tune into it like radios of sorts. All matter is conscious on some level, everything that exists knows on some level that it exists, what it is, and how it should behave. That “level” is dependent on the level of complexity, a giant boulder is far less complex than the inch worm crawling across its surface, and as a result the inch worm, despite being far smaller, and containing far fewer atoms is on a higher level of consciousness. The reason we are “more” conscious than other animals is that we are more complex than other animals, specifically in our brains. Were we to create a machine or program (or more likely a combination) that is as complex as the human body, with the complexity of our neural network it would be as conscious as we are.
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<!--This experience, coupled with the knowledge that DMT is endogenously produced, and there can indeed be endogenous DMT trips, has led me to a rather left field theory concerning religion in general. All religions have their base in endogenous DMT trips. At least all religions concerning religious experiences. Essentially my charge is that religions are just perverse, high stakes versions of the telephone game we played as children. One person had an endogenous DMT trip, told people about it as best they were able, those people then relayed the experience to others, minus or plus certain details, and thus a belief is born and subsequently spread. Then some people gathered many different experiences and beliefs and wove them into a single story, a religion. This of course would require the original stories to be extensively bastardized and warped to fit a specific intent. However genuine the origin, religion seems to draw the very worst type of people to lead them, and within a few generations the true story is lost to a strict set of rules and limitations. I’m not a fan of religion. So many people killed, tortured, persecuted, immolated, exiled and all other manners of brutality and humiliation, for nothing. Since this experience I’ve done more open minded research on religion than I had in my life up to this point, and I’ve come to a pretty unsurprising conclusion; all religions are wrong. Some are less wrong than others, Buddhism, in my opinion (and at my current knowledge level) is the closest to being correct, and much can be learned from the teachings of Buddha, specifically on the psychological implications of his beliefs on happiness and suffering. Regardless of your personal religious beliefs you would benefit from studying Buddhism and incorporating many of the philosophies into your own personal grand unified theory. In fact, based on the reading I’ve done, I 8think that there are more truths to be found in general with religions based on philosophy moreso than religious experience, wonder why? Now I could be entirely wrong here, and I go through life knowing that at any moment a piece of information could come along that would require a complete rethinking, beliefs should be transient and subject to information. Base the beliefs you accept on the information you have, don’t base the information you accept on the beliefs you have.
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-->One thing that I cannot shake is the similarity between my experience and some stories I’ve heard in some religions. Most notably the entity who showed me my life, if other people have met this entity before, I could very well see him being the origin of the “Peter at the gates of Heaven” story (and every other similar myth, of which there are several) judging your life, determining whether you get into Heaven or Hell. Like I said, if I had been an awful person, this experience would have been hell, and were I the most virtuous, least flawed person on the planet it would have been Heaven. As it is I’m a decent person, I’ve done things I regret, but overall I am a good, kind, just, and honest person, and while I wouldn’t exactly call it Heaven, it was closer to Heaven than Hell.
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Could this have just been a drug induced hallucination with no significance beyond that? Certainly, and I never allow myself to forget that possibility. However, anyone who thinks there is no significance to these experiences beyond interesting, purely chemical alterations of brain chemistry and neural pathways is someone I can almost guarantee hasn’t had an experience on this level. You can’t see what I’ve seen and felt what I’ve felt and say it’s just the drugs, you can’t have traveled distances and beheld scales which dwarf everything you thought possible and think “I was just high.” I had no idea that a person could endure an experience so powerful, but I have, I know they exist, and I’m somewhat saddened by how few ever get to see and experience an event so intense so utterly astonishing. Falling in love, marriage, the birth of a child, losing the one most cherished to you, these are are all experiences that are bound to be powerful and have profound effects on a person, none of these hold a candle to a breakthrough. I’m not trying to offend any parents or people who have lost loved ones in saying this, but I’m convinced that there is nothing that can happen in a normal human life that’s as intense, strange, and indescribable as a breakthrough. If there is an experience more powerful, I don’t think I’m interested in having it.
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I no longer fear death. Before this experience, being a secular, naturalist atheist, my biggest fear was death, but now that I’ve been on the other side, seen what there is, I no longer fear it. I do think there is more to this universe than we can see before us, and I don’t think oblivion follows this life. <!--If you’re reading this, congratulations, you’re alive, try to enjoy it, and don’t reduce the joy of others. Just try not to live in fear of the end, you’ll be amazed at what’s on the other side, it’s more than you could ever imagine.--><!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2016</td><td width="90">ExpID: 113027</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Not Specified</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Apr 11, 2019</td><td>Views: 3,525</td></tr>
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<tr><td colspan="2">DMT (18), LSD (2) : Alone (16), Depression (15), Entities / Beings (37), Mystical Experiences (9), Combinations (3)</td></tr>
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<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
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<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">100 lb</td>
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For seven of the last nine months, I've experimented off and on with LSD. It was not my first psychedelic, nor do I think it should be anyone's based on its risk profile: I've heard stories of people who did a lot of acid and never came back, or read case reports of people who have had persistent visual effects or other unintended sequelae. (Rather, I think ketamine and MDMA are better first psychedelic experiences. Ketamine because its after-effects are the most uniformly positive; see its treatment of depression, PTSD, and chronic pain. And because its high is similar to alcohol's effects, and is short-lasting. And MDMA because its high is so warm and fuzzy, it's hard to imagine someone having a bad trip on it.)
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But, in spite of my trepidation, I've also looked forward to trying acid based on the literature on its uses in assisting psychotherapy—increasing empathy, trust, and expressivity like MDMA—as well as creative and sexual processes. Ok, and it also sounds fun. So when the set and setting were finally right, I gave it a go.
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At the time I felt both happy and safe, and conflicted. I have a wonderful partnership and we had even recently gotten married. We have a beautiful home, a wonderful life, and want to stay together. But I've always wanted kids, and my partner is done. He's older. He had his kids in his first marriage, decades ago. He didn't enjoy the process of being a parent and doesn't want to do it again. I think it would be different this time around for lots of reasons, but have been unable to convince him.
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We were honest about this disconnect when we first got together. Falling in love was an accident. The happiest accident of my life. So I went on the pill for him, even though I wanted nothing more than to get pregnant on my wedding night when we met. Happy years have gone by, and I needed them. We needed them. But my need for a family only grows. So I have also felt increasingly conflicted about taking the pill. I don't feel in control of my life and body. I don't feel I'm being true to myself, and that hurts me in lots of ways. And yet I feel I have to do what my love needs first, to take care of him. And sometimes, although it's not his fault, I simply feel powerless to assert my own needs as well. We have a conflict and I put him first; that's a wound to my integrity of being. It's hard to find another way.
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The first time we tried acid, we planned to micro-dose and go to the park. It was a beautiful summer day, so our favorite park was going to be crowded with people playing music, children running around, couples walking… I had read online <!--(not on Erowid)--> that you don't get hungry on acid and the high lasts 12 hours, so you must eat beforehand. I made myself eat four eggs even though I wasn't that hungry, they didn't taste very good, and two eggs would normally be a lot for me. (Obviously: Mistake.) Then, at the last minute, I was very excited about the adventure and wanted to try a full dose (around 120 mcg) instead of a tiny one (10 mcg is a commonly reported microdose where people report cognitive, emotional, and creative benefits).
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My then-brand new husband wisely curbed my enthusiasm. Instead, I tried 40 mcg and he tried 20. We slipped pieces of paper, cut to lessen the dosage, under our tongues and held them there for 10 minutes before swallowing. Then off we walked in the summer sunshine.
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After about 45 minutes, in the crowded park, I started to get nauseated. Then faces (which I already love looking at, like most people) got more beautiful and interesting. Noises, which can sometimes be difficult for me to deal with, and crowds, might have actually been easier—like on a glass of wine. And yet, there was also a growing edge to the faces. Some of them began to look twisted, strange, and frightening. My nausea also grew, and we headed home.
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On the walk home, the world was swimming. You could call it dizziness, but it wasn't quite that. It was, rather, a flowy, swirling, falling visual effect I recognize now in psychedelic movie scenes as a distinctive LSD visual effect. The feeling of falling in it was the most pronounced this first time, probably compounded by the newness of the experience, the edge of fear that goes along with that, and my nausea from force-feeding myself a big plate of eggs in advance. I was really afraid the world would slip out from under me and swirl around—or at the very least that I would fall over and not be able to finish walking home.
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Walking together, me leaning on my steady man, we made it home without me throwing up or a stranger deciding that I was behaving too strangely to let pass. Even though I had only taken 1/3 of a normal dose, there was nothing micro about this experience. I also think that this was the strongest reaction I've ever had to acid in some ways; maybe my brain needed to get acquainted with it in some way.
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I love looking at myself on psychedelics, because I used to be dysmorphic and find that psychedelics fix this. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I love looking at myself on psychedelics, because I used to be dysmorphic and find that psychedelics fix this.</div></div> What used to look ugly, fat, too awful to go outside (and more specifically, as dysmorphia usually goes: the angles of the eyebrows far too harsh so as to make me look evil, small skin imperfections so huge I can't see anything else, small things too hideously big and big things too hideously small, and nothing special, graceful, right). The effect is not permanent, but can last weeks before I start to hate my body and feel I need to hide it again.
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Previously, on MDMA, I'd seen my whole face and body as they actually are, during and after. And on mushrooms, I'd seen even more how those perceived imperfections were horrible distortions. You might think it's sad to realize you've tortured yourself and lost a lot of life doing so, but I know what I saw. The dysmorphia was a problem in my brain, not something I chose. And the psychedelics fixed it. It's such a huge, unqualified relief and joy to be freer and feel beautiful. But I had hoped for that, having read case reports of such things in medical journals and online. I'm not the first person to notice psychedelics can treat dysmorphia, and I'm glad to think I won't be the last.
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When I looked in the bathroom mirror my first time on acid, however, I looked like a man. I found myself attractive; I looked fit, horny, and friendly. But there was no creative control in the hallucination, no reading into the image something that wasn't (to me at the time), there. I had become a man, and was happy to see it. I thought of Bill Hicks describing the walls bleeding on shrooms, not as a horrifying experience but rather as a hilarious and fascinating one. This was my feeling also about being a man, except I was also incredibly turned-on and felt very powerful.
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Then I went to bed with my husband. Although we had our normal sex as far as the mechanics go, it still seemed to me that this time, I was really the man. When we came, it was as if we were one, something I've experienced on other subsequent acid trips. Someone told me before I tried acid that being on MDMA is like a party where you're very one with your body and your friends, but being on acid is like a party where you're one with the universe. But I have found the experiences more similar, though distinct. It seems, though, that mileage varies greatly with drugs and sex, and I am a person who tends to have more sexualized reactions to a wide range of substances and experiences than others.
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Subsequent acid trips have deepened the intimacy in my marriage, helped us talk, been inspiring visually, been mind-blowing sexually, and not resulted in nausea. It was dumb to eat four eggs before trying acid, and I never did anything like that again. If I'm hungry before, I eat. If I'm not, I don't. Once I developed ravenous hunger on acid and ate the best Indian food of my life. Eating it literally felt like coming. In general, I guess relaxing and doing what your body needs at the time is a pretty good rule of thumb for self-care off and on special substances.
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I've tried micro-dosing and found around 20 mcg is great for plowing through demanding creative and intellectual work, especially when I am afraid or having a block, or a deadline. I've been diagnosed with ADHD by three doctors but don't really believe it exists, and the medications I've tried for it don't do good stuff to me in the days after. So this is my favorite ADHD medication, and I could see adapting Ayelet Waldman's (former, experimental) every three days protocol to deal with the dose tolerance issue. But I prefer to trust my brain and not do it all the time.
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I've still not tried a full dose, preferring instead to exercise a lot of caution around set and setting when it comes to acid. I still want to, someday. I find that a partial dose of 70 mcg or so, especially with a small amount of MDMA, helps me deal with crowds—loud noises, bright lights, and big groups can otherwise be too much for me, and alcohol is not my friend. This seems significantly healthier for my brain, and I'm angry that alcohol is widely available instead… because used wisely, psychedelics seem so much healthier. But I have been lucky to have only really had good set and setting psychedelic experiences, because I have experimented with someone who loves and takes care of me.
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I've also experienced feeling whole and healed on MDMA combined with this larger mezzo-dose of acid. I'm surprised this isn't yet in the literature on PTSD, which I had read for many years before trying MDMA. There is so much great research and advocacy going on to get people better care for mental health problems, but ultimately I think demanding that people heal their most intimate wounds with strangers in a clinical setting is insane. So I hope psychedelics like MDMA and LSD, especially combined, will be available to people to try with intimates at home for self-exploration, communication, and even healing. There are people who shy away from the idea that you can self-treat serious mental health problems like PTSD and depression, but I have tried lots of therapies and found everything else incredibly painful and counter-productive. Some people just need love to heal. I did. And drugs enhanced my ability to communicate, trust, feel connected, empathize, and see things differently to take that healing process further. So it surprises me to realize that my healing experiences on acid have echoes in Stanislav Grof's work using LSD in psychotherapy—but that the people doing research now on MDMA haven't tried incorporating LSD as well. Maybe that will come. I'm sorry I don't want to say more about this. It shouldn't be an aside like this, but… I honestly think it's so intimate that it's wrong to pathologize and fully document things of this nature. Some things are actually sacred. Part of me wants to inspire researchers to push that envelope and part of me wants to tell them they're hubristic assholes for pretending that they can standardize caring for the soul.
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So I've worked, socialized, and healed on subsequent acid trips. But since that first time, I've never been a man again. When I was a man, though, it was very clear to me that I had a right to bear children. This is an insight that I've also had as a woman, but as a man it felt different. As a woman it felt less like I was in control, like I would have to bicycle through life and see what happened on the way, like a flower hoping for a bee. And as a man it felt like I could shoot my arrow and make life happen. I know it's cliched. But the gender-bend on that first, mezzo acid trip really helped me learn a feeling of control over my own life that I still remember and cherish today <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">the gender-bend on that first, mezzo acid trip really helped me learn a feeling of control over my own life that I still remember and cherish today</div></div>. Even though I don't see how to apply it necessarily. Nothing has changed; but I have.
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There was also another completely unintended side effect that makes sense in the context of the medical literature on LSD, but I haven't seen reported anywhere else yet. For many years I suffered from Raynaud's, a vasoconstrictive disorder where you lose circulation in your fingers, toes, ears, and nose in response to cold. They turn white and creepy, and it hurts like hell. If it gets worse, you can have finger ulcerations, and I've had cracking and bleeding from it before. I've had it confirmed on ultrasound after seeing a specialist about it. But since taking acid, my Raynaud's hasn't bothered me at all.
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I didn't even trigger it after a recent sprain left me holding frozen vegetables on the affected appendage. Normally handling frozen stuff has been the most fool-proof way to tick it off. It wasn't comfortable, but my fingers didn't go into painful vasospasms and turn different colors, requiring defrosting under lukewarm to warm water to recover, either.
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<!--Hoffman's LSD discovery autobiography talks about related compounds' uses in cardiovascular contexts. So there are some known uses there dating back to the beginning of pharmacological research on acid. Some more recent research on LSD and really bad, persistent, difficult-to-treat headaches, like migraines and cluster headaches, is also out there in medical journals. And if you drill down into mechanisms, one of the things that LSD seems to do in some of the even more recent imaging studies is to help with blood flow in the brain. So there might be a mechanism where LSD helps with blood flow in some way that has (somewhat) persistent effects for vasoconstrictive disorders, since vasoconstriction is also one theory about what is going on in migraines.
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I'm not a doctor and I don't really know what I'm talking about here. I'm just thinking, -->Raynaud's is a really painful and life-limiting medical problem that kept me from doing some things I love but hasn't bothered me since I tried acid, and this might make some sense as an effect. <!--Someone who can actually study this probably should, at some point.-->
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Regardless of whether my Raynaud’s comes back, my beloved husband comes around to having kids, or any other outcome down the line goes this way or that, I feel empowered by my acid experiences. After all, I'm the man. I have a life to live, arrows to shoot—and stronger, healthier, happier hands with which to shoot them.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2018</td><td width="90">ExpID: 113063</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 34</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Apr 13, 2019</td><td>Views: 2,640</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=113063&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=113063&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Sex Discussion (14), Health Benefits (32), Retrospective / Summary (11), General (1)</td></tr>
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<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">7 g</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cacti/">Cacti - Mescaline-containing</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(extract)</b></td>
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<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 2:00</td>
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<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">vaporized</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
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<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 2:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.5 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 6:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">vaporized</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 6:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/alcohol/">Alcohol</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> repeated</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">vaporized</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">115 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I swallowed the seven grams of encapsulated mescaline tar with a 15 oz bottle of orange juice following a hike with my dog. It was the first thing I’d had in about twenty-four hours, since 8:30 or so the night before. I wanted to dose early; mescaline takes a while to set in and lasts a long time, and I was already tired from sleeping poorly over the two previous nights.
<br>
<br>
Capsules downed, I started up the truck and rolled out of the parking lot. The drive home was only twenty minutes or so, and I knew from experience that I wouldn’t feel anything for another hour at the earliest, probably longer.
<br>
<br>
Upon arriving home, I found out that my brother-in-law had taken the day off. I’m normally the only one off on Mondays, which are my “Saturdays”, so that’s why it’s my trip day. I stay at home for the vast majority of my trips, and prefer to be alone for them. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I stay at home for the vast majority of my trips, and prefer to be alone for them.</div></div>
<br>
<br>
Not only that, but this day was a celebratory day. Two years and ten days before, I’d taken my first psychedelic journey courtesy of some San Pedro tea. I like marking the occasion with a mescaline trip around the same time each year, and it was the first opportunity I’d had, and a day I’d been quite looking forward to for some time. I was mad that he’d chosen this day of all days to take off, but there was nothing I could do about it. Capsules had already been swallowed.
<br>
<br>
I waited out the long wait by cleaning my room up, showering, vacuuming, washing dishes. I like having everything done before a trip so I’m not left anxious by anything undone. I try to have an optimally eased mindset before embarking, and going through the routine prepares my mind for the journey ahead.
<br>
<br>
I was reading a collection of Dorothy Parker book reviews and texting with a friend when I suddenly felt like I had to lie down. The moment I’d reclined, I was jumping back to my feet and rushing off to deal with the purge. It wasn’t the worst I’d had, but I got some of the orange juice in my sinuses, which was on the terrible side. I heaved out the OJ, coughed up the residual tar and bile, and was brushing my teeth and using a neti pot for my nose within a few minutes. From point of feeling like something might be off to being done with the purge, that was the fastest transition I’ve had so far (out of the ten or so experiments I’ve had with this tar method).
<br>
<br>
This was at 10:30 AM, almost exactly two hours from ingesting. Right on schedule.
<br>
<br>
My computer was down, so I couldn’t check my trip record to find out how long it usually takes the mescaline to hit me after throwing it up. I hoped it would be soon. I vaped some Sour Diesel, wishing marijuana would get things going. I believed I could see slight movements, but I do this all often enough that I tend to get motion if I look at something long enough whenever I’ve had some weed (which is at least once a day typically, and has been for a few years now).
<br>
<br>
Time seemed to be passing very slowly. I listened to Portishead and Sagittarius, hoping to set a peaceful, psychedelic mood for the trip. Already I felt as if I needed to be calmed. Things were edgy, but I attributed that to the pot thoughts.
<br>
<br>
I watched the sun coming in through the eastern window in my bedroom, my exhaled lungfulls of vapor twisting in the light. A small, bright parallelogram fell on the carpet. So small. And getting smaller. I looked out the window and cursed the overhang shielding the neighboring room’s door to the side yard. If it weren’t for that, I would get sunlight in here during the fall and winter, and my room wouldn’t be so freezing cold at this time of year.
<br>
<br>
I thought about our hemisphere of the earth tilting away from the sun during these days, going farther and farther away. The days grow shorted, everything’s colder, the sun around less. I thought of the earth’s constant rotation, the wobble, it’s tilt-a-whirl motion as it flies the elliptical path around the sun. And the sun, also travelling a path, within an arm of the travelling spiral galaxy, all of us spinning in empty blackness. I felt like if I paid enough attention, I’d be able to feel the hurtling speeds.
<br>
<br>
I checked my phone’s clock every few minutes, waiting in exciting anticipation and time-diluted trip space. Time was dragging by, and I’d set myself a schedule. “Well, are you going to do it?”
<br>
<br>
Yes, but I wanted to wait until 11:00.
<br>
<br>
At 10:58 I stood up and got the wooden treasure chest out of my stash drawer. From within the chest, I pulled out half of a tab of Avatar blotter. Word has it they are about 170 micrograms each, but I don’t know if you can trust word. If that’s the case, this bit would ring in at somewhere between 70-80 mcg. It’s not an exact science (thank you, government, for ensuring that).
<br>
<br>
It was under my tongue at 10:58.
<br>
<br>
I laid back, watching things around the room start to come to life. I felt like 7 grams of mescaline tar wouldn’t be enough (when I’d previously done just fine on similar amounts). I wanted things to be going stronger.
<br>
<br>
That isn’t why I took the acid, though. I’ve taken mescaline a dozen or so times, an acid probably an equal amount, but I’ve never taken them together. And since I was celebrating, I figured why not? I was also considering adding some MDMA, but was feeling so paranoid about serotonin syndrome that I didn’t want to risk having a bad trip worrying about it. There was also a bit of ketamine I was considering, but after experiencing ego death the last time I’d done it (with LSD and MDMA), I kept it in the back of my mind.
<br>
<br>
I took a swig of Coke and felt something foreign in my mouth, perhaps a piece of food that had become dislodged from whatever toothy hiding spot it had been sequestered in. Flicking it out with my tongue in disgust, I realized it was my blotter rectangle. Somehow I’d momentarily forgotten that I had that in there. I swallowed it soon thereafter.
<br>
<br>
My plan had been to take 50mg MDMA at noon and then meditate, staggering the doses and hopefully peaking as I came out of the meditation. Nearing noon, I decided I’d wait to find out what combining the two powerful psychedelics was like before adding anything else to the mix. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I decided I’d wait to find out what combining the two powerful psychedelics was like before adding anything else to the mix.</div></div>
<br>
<br>
The meditation was okay, but not one of my best sessions. With my computer out of commission, I couldn’t listen to the guided session with earbuds, as I always do. I had to listen to it over my room stereo, and with my brother-in-law home, I was paranoid about having it on too loudly. So it was soft and I couldn’t hear it very well, which meant it didn’t take me on the same deep journey. Don’t know if that’s the reason, or if it’s something else, but I also didn’t get any head zaps, which I nearly always do when meditating while tripping.
<br>
<br>
About half an hour into the meditation, my sinuses began to swell. For a few moments, I was reminded of the feeling when insufflated ketamine hits, but then I realized it was the acid. I haven’t heard of this in other reports, but <pullquote>acid really hits me in the sinuses. Now I got it from a reputable and trustworthy source, but what source is really reputable or trustworthy on the black market? There’s a chance that I didn’t get acid, with all of the research iterations floating around these days. I believe it’s acid and am sure one of the other customers would’ve complained if we’d been duped. Anyway, the stuff always hits me in the sinuses (like pseudoephedrine does), and it also gives me the tummy rumbles.
<br>
<br>
When I came out of the meditation session about forty-five minutes later (that’ll be roughly four hours since ingesting cactus tar and two since the blotter), things were going strong. The CEVs hadn’t impressed me too much, seeming to me mostly like the floral CEVs of acid, but darker. But I could barely open my eyelids thanks to the soft fractalled ambiance I could not get a focus on.
<br>
<br>
The strongest visuals I get are most often those that await me when coming out of these deep meditative states. This was no exception. I had to keep closing and slowly reopening my eyes, it was just too much to look at.
<br>
<br>
Once I’d regained my composure somewhat, I got up to change back to music. Any sort of activity is a great well to kill a visual trip, I’ve found. My movements weren’t entirely smooth, but the task was easy enough, and soon I was back on my bed with Four Tet’s “There is Love in You” playing over the stereo. It’s a great psychedelic album, and one I was particularly fond of at the time.
<br>
<br>
I decided that no, I wasn’t going to add MDMA. Things were going very strongly already, movements and color changes to my surroundings being very animated. And my eyes already felt as if they were having trouble with all the stimulation; I thought adding some nystagmus to that would be a bad idea.
<br>
<br>
I was quite surprised by the strength of it all, actually. 7 grams is a decent dose, but not a huge one. And I’d had the other half of that blotter square a couple of weeks beforehand, and it had done very little. What I was experiencing was different from the previous trips I’d had on either substance alone, and they seemed to be strengthening each other exponentially.
<br>
<br>
When the Four Tet album was done, I decided to put on “Person Pitch”, which had been the album I’d listened to repeatedly for my first thirteen-plus hour trip. And it was all going well and good, until “Bros” came on.
<br>
<br>
“Bros” is that song for me, that one you tell people is “your” song, the one that best represents you. The last time I’d heard it tripping, I was on LSD and MDMA (which hadn’t quite kicked in, sadly), seeing it performed live. That night, I’d gone home, put on the album, and snorted a bump of ketamine. When I came back from ego death, I was stuck on the repetitive part of “Bros”, fighting to get back to my body and filled with anxiety and mortal dread.
<br>
<br>
So I couldn’t have been too surprised when the anxiety came back, just as soon as I got to the post ego-death part of the song. I recognized what was happening and tried to talk myself through it, but nothing was going to make me feel better as long as that song was playing. Just like I’d done when I heard it post-ketamine, I had to pull myself off of my bed and change the music.
<br>
<br>
Watch out for these drugs, kids. You never know when they’re going to ruin your favorite song for you (at least I can still listen to it sober fine).
<br>
<br>
I was unsettled after that. I didn’t know what music to put on that would fix the situation, so I put my iPod on random and started up on the vape again, figuring some weed might normalize me.
<br>
<br>
It was about 2:30 in the afternoon. Whole lot of tripping to go, according to my calculations. Mescaline hits after a few hours and lasts twelve, acid hits after two and lasts six or more. Damn…so much time to go.
<br>
<br>
I wasn’t feeling that great anymore. None of the usual body euphoria from mescaline was hitting me. I felt okay, but not great. The anxiety was slow to leave, and I was full of fear of dying (not from the drugs, just in the inevitable sense). Also very thirsty, but then again, I’d thrown up everything I’d had in the early part of the day, aside from that Coke. I drank glass after glass of water. Didn’t want to eat yet, though.
<br>
<br>
I laid down on my bed and watched the indescribably beautiful colors on the underside of a CD as they shifted and blended. One of the many issues I have with the current status of psychedelics in modern (and historic) Western culture is that there hasn’t yet been much of a need to develop a psychedelic language. These things just can’t be described in sober words, but as long as the majority of people go on never experiencing them, there’s little point to coming up with the vocabulary to communicate like-mind to like-mind. So I’m forced to use sober language to describe the psychedelic realm, and words like “rainbow”, “fractal” and “geometry” just don’t cut it. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I’m forced to use sober language to describe the psychedelic realm, and words like “rainbow”, “fractal” and “geometry” just don’t cut it.</div></div>
<br>
<br>
And another problem is, well-intentioned that I am, I honestly don’t know if what I’m doing is going to ultimately be helpful for me or not. There’s no psychedelic support group that I’m personally aware of, though I know they exist. I take these drugs and I listen to these guided meditation sessions which are supposed to be therapeutic, but my main problem comes with integration. What I want is a real guide, who knows the substances and what they’re doing to my psyche and mind (even someone whom I can go to in order to ask about the brain zaps and why they tend to get worse in these meditative states – my theory is that the brain is shocking itself back into a state of awareness as the mind enters the bodiless realms). Because while I’ve educated myself and go on learning more, there are plenty of people out there who have self-educated themselves into delusion. What we need is a new model of the shaman.
<br>
<br>
The mescaline seemed dulled, somehow. It was lacking its sharpness, both mentally and visually. Of what I’ve ingested, mescaline gives the most “magnified” sort of visual activity – it’s very cellular. Thoughts have tended to be peaceful and mostly comfortable. And the body euphoria! But that pleasant edge was gone. “Unfocused” is what I wrote in my notebook (and what fun I had writing, struggling to get through words one letter at a time, staring delightedly at the page as the script took form on it). I considered doing some automatic writing, but I didn’t want to use up a page of the notebook for the sort of insanity I expected would come from that.
<br>
<br>
It was nearing 3:00 and I’d eaten nothing all day, so I put some taquitos in the oven. Drank a hard cider along with plenty of water. Don’t think the alcohol affected me much at all. Ate hungrily, but slowly. The tastes of the cheesy bean filling and salsa I was dipping in them were abnormally noticeable, really jumping out on my tastebuds.
<br>
<br>
Things seemed to wind down a bit after this, early as it was. I vaped more weed and put Four Tet on again, listening to the album on repeat for the rest of the adventure.
<br>
<br>
Around 5:30 I felt exhausted, and a headache was coming on. I’d thought the two would have me going late into the night, but perhaps the combination was flaming out, my mind depleted early on from the toll they were exacting. I vaped more weed every hour or so, hybrids and indicas, hoping to rid myself of the ache in my head. And it would work for a while, but then it would wear off and the pain would return. Or maybe too much weed was responsible.
<br>
<br>
My eyes felt worn out, so I turned off the lights and spent the early evening hours watching the room grow darker. The clouds painted on the ceiling were moving lackadaisically, hardly animated any more. It was only 7:30 PM or so. A short-lived trip for either substance.
<br>
<br>
I had some cannabis wax around 8:30 or 9 PM, and fell asleep shortly thereafter.
<br>
<br>
Unlike most post-trip mornings when I wake up feeling fine, I had a massive headache when I woke up around 6:00 AM or so (a typical waking time for me). I felt like I’d done something I needed to recover from, and was glad to have the day off to do it.
<br>
<br>
I was happy to have first tried this combination at home, and glad that I had started conservatively. The experiment was done with festivals in mind, but I doubt that I’ll ever put the two together in an environment like that. If I do try it again, it’ll be in nature, somewhere comfortable where I’m not likely to be disturbed by anyone. I still wonder whether going for the flip with the added MDMA would be worth it (mescaline + MDMA is one of my favorite combinations, but one I’m cautious about employing), but it’s a question I’m willing to wait for a future experiment to answer.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2011</td><td width="90">ExpID: 93375</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 29</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: May 1, 2019</td><td>Views: 2,388</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=93375&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=93375&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">Cacti - Mescaline-containing (809), LSD (2) : Hangover / Days After (46), Combinations (3), Alone (16)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</pullquote></div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">90 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
Location: Sydney, Australia
<br>
<br>
My new flatmate L was playing his first gig at a cool bar<!-- on Glebe point road (Red bar)-->. I was keen to turn up and show some support.
<br>
<br>
On a couple of previous occasions, I had 1. Microdosed a 10th of a tab and gone to work. 2. Microdosed half a tab, 3. Taken a full tab and stayed up all night translating the Vulgate into English. I recalled that the full tab of acid didn’t really have much noticeable effect – almost no visuals and the headspace wasn’t particularly different. In retrospect this was probably due to the rapid tolerance buildup of psychedelics (I was unaware of this at the time). In any case, due to my lackluster experience tripping on a single tab, I decided that this time I would take two.
<br>
<br>
I took the two tabbies as I left the house and headed to the bus stop to catch a bus<!-- from Annandale down parra road to glebe-->. I donned my “trippercunt sunnies” – diffraction glasses that split light into its component colours. I also wore my most expensive shirt, a mambo “roses” loud shirt that hasn’t been in print for years and regularly sells for over $300AUD on ebayau. This fact became highly relevant the next morning.
<br>
<br>
I quickly arrived at the venue, while still coming up, and rubbed my hands as I looked at the décor: The furniture all was semi-transparent and illuminated from within with many and various colours, purple, pink, blue, red, green. There was also all sorts of psychedelic and spiritual art hanging on the walls. I instantly got good vibes as I knew this was gonna be a kickass trip.
<br>
<br>
I found a seat middle and centre in front of the stage and listened to the opening solo act by HF, who is a regular opener in the Sydney gigging scene. I had invited my other flatmate (little A)’s sister S to come along too, and she arrived during the opening act. We chatted as I was coming up about her new job and my current job hunt and uni studies.
<br>
<br>
Eventually HF concluded his act and my flatmate L and his band mounted the stage. All of a sudden I started getting WILD visuals. My flatmate L has a bit of a hunch, but his lead guitarist was standing tall and straight. It suddenly hit me hard just how short L looked next to this guy. And now that the acid was kicking in, he looked like even more of an oompa loompa because his bass guitar was so damn massive. All of the colours of the lights, the curtains, the stage the walls started popping and jumping. The rug that the band was standing on started to melt and wave and the patterns on it looked like live snake sorta things. I could read every little expression on the faces of the members of the band. L looked so excited and happy that the gig was going well. He kept breaking out into these nervous but happy smiles whenever the crowd applauded. Seemed like I wasn’t the only one having a good trip.
<br>
<br>
I just sat there, shuffling in my seat due to the body load, but not feeling “bad” in any way whatsover. The gig was amazing. The entire show felt like a religious experience. I felt as if I was God, and this band was giving me glory. The fact that so many people gathered together to watch this performance felt as if it had some sort of cosmic significance. As if this is the meaning of life and the pinnacle of human achievement. I started thinking that the story of history is the story of the emergence of God: In the beginning there was nothing, and from that nothing sprung everything, and via evolution, humanity emerged, and with humanity, beauty, truth and goodness. I started to perceive that mankind is on a trajectory towards God, and that final moment of history IS God.
<br>
<br>
These were the utterly crazy theological and philosophical thoughts I was thinking, and they only got even more intense as the next band mounted the stage. This band was hilarious: on the right side of the stage were three really cool looking dudes with badass haircuts, clothing and moustaches, playing drums, keys and bass. On the left side of the stage was this super geeky looking guy playing guitar. His parents were in the crowd and got a shoutout. In the centre of the stage was what I can only describe as a goddess. This girl with a perfect feminine figure, just the right amount of makeup, brilliant, revealing attire that showed off her physical goods and beauty. While tripping hard on the acid, I was struck to the core by beauty and mystery of the feminine form. I felt drawn to it on a deep and profound metaphysical, essential level of my being. Suddenly I was reconsidering my vocation: Do I REALLY want to enter the priesthood (I had been discerning priesthood for about three years and up to this point, was super committed to signing up)? Considering that the mystery of the feminine has captured my heart in such a fundamental way, perhaps this is some sign from God that my vocation actually involves marriage?
<br>
<br>
I continued thinking all these thoughts, and absorbing the beauty of this diva with my eyes as they played their set. The sensation that I was God and these people were here to worship and glorify me intensified. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">The sensation that I was God and these people were here to worship and glorify me intensified.</div></div> The visuals exploded. I noticed every little detail that presented itself to me through my five cardinal senses simultaneously.
<br>
<br>
Finally, the headline act went on. I was tingling with excited anticipation as I saw the final band wheel their instruments onto the stage. “Holy fucking shit” I thought to myself, “these cunts are playing a fucking HARP and CELLO!” It was a three piece band, with keys, harp and cello. I still felt like God, and as the weirdly dressed keys player gave commentary and introduced the songs, I got this fascinating train of thought that was something like “Look at what my little people are doing, gathering to offer praise and worship to me. Look at how far they’ve come.”
<br>
<br>
As the harp and the cello and keys started playing, I just lost my shit, in the best kinda way. I could perceive all the infinite microtones as the bow crossed the strings of the cello, as if it were an auditory fractal. It was simply the most beautiful thing I had ever heard in my entire life. And the music was in a slightly sad and melancholy key. The emotions that were being conveyed by the music were ineffable and beautiful and sad. It felt as if the entire story of history was encapsulated in the song: All the ups, all the downs. The tragedies and the victories. And it just felt as if it was a “movement forward”, as if there is only one direction we can go: onwards and upwards to the heights of heaven.
<br>
<br>
“It just keeps getting better” I remember thinking to myself. “This is heaven”. I was experiencing infinite bliss, but not just infinite bliss, infinitely INCREASING bliss. This beatific vision was completely exponential! And yet the sad notes in the music made me remember. Remember all the tragedies of life and history, remember the holocausts, genocides, rapes and murders. And all of a sudden, for the first time in my life, I was struck with the full force of the mystery of evil. “What even is evil?” I remember whispering to my flatmate L, who had resumed his seat in the crowd. I simply couldn’t comprehend it. I knew from my theological studies that evil has no inherent existence or reality, that it is a complete illusion, and suddenly I realised just how mysterious that is.
<br>
<br>
It just seemed so baffling to me, that here I am, experiencing the heavenly joy that comes from listening to the angelic music of the eschaton, and yet ISIS is out there lopping heads off at this very moment. It just didn’t seem right. Like, of course this is a wonderful moment and I am enjoying it to the full, but fuck; what am I supposed to make of the fact that Hitler did what he did to the Jews? How should I understand this supreme symphony of good, in light of the incomprehensible mystery of evil? These thoughts occupied me all the way to the end of the gig. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">How should I understand this supreme symphony of good, in light of the incomprehensible mystery of evil? These thoughts occupied me all the way to the end of the gig. </div></div>At no point did the trip actually become a “bad trip”, but I started to take on a strong sense of apprehension and anticipation. Somewhere deep down, I realised that tonight was to be the night where God (me) confronts evil and attempts to make sense of it. And I realised that this fundamental interplay between good and evil is what is driving all of reality as we know it.
<br>
<br>
As the gig was over, I exited with my flatmate L and we headed for the bus stop. Now that the supreme beauty of the music had concluded, the trip started to get very confusing. I remember saying to L something about how girls don’t exist, and all girls are evil. I was pondering the fundamental dualisms of masculine and feminine, good and evil, and I was drawing some link between light, goodness and masculinity, and another link between darkness, evil and femininity. I thought of the story of Adam and Eve, and how Eve (the feminine) was the principle which introduced sin into the world. L had no clue what I was talking about, and probably was amused at just how hard I was tripping. I began to distrust him, thinking that he was an enemy in some respect. I hadn’t known him for very long after all.
<br>
<br>
As we got to the bus stop, L called an uber and hopped in with his girlfriend. I decided to walk home. That turned out to be a very bad idea.
<br>
<br>
I walked down the road, still thinking I was God, but this time the thought had a very Christian slant on it. I thought that I was Jesus. I was relating my trip to the gospel stories. I felt as if I had just descended from heaven to earth, and right about now the temptation in the desert was probably due to occur. As I walked home, pondering the mystery of evil, the insanity started to overcome me. It just sorta crept up on me as I was philosophising. It was as if wondering about evil with such intensity was driving me mad.
<br>
<br>
I started to feel as if I am invincible, and made the stupid decision to stop by a servo and buy a supersized energy drink. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I started to feel as if I am invincible, and made the stupid decision to stop by a servo and buy a supersized energy drink.</div></div> I seriously doubt that the massive caffeine and sugar hit had a positive impact. I even realised this at the time, and was thinking to myself “I am going to die tonight. And when they find me, it’s gonna make the newspapers and they’ll comment on how the exact moment where it all went downhill was when I decided to smash an energy drink while high as fuck on acid”.
<br>
<br>
My thinking started to get more and more scrambled. And the thoughts loops got more and more intricate. Eventually I made it to the local maccas and decided I wanted to get something to eat. I stood in front of the touch screen interface where you order your food, but for the life of me I couldn’t figure it out. I kept touching and selecting and there was just something that wasn’t working. At the time I figured the system was bugged, but in retrospect I was probably just tripping really hard.
<br>
<br>
I felt like I was standing in front of that touch screen for an eternity, punching the options and trying so hard to buy something. Notions of “Limbo” and “purgatory” became stuck in my mind, and I felt as if I had failed in my temptation in the wilderness and was being punished with this eternal torture of eternally trying to order dinner and not being able to.
<br>
<br>
Eventually I managed to snap out of it, say “Fuck it” and get out of the maccas. But my delusions of grandeur were multiplying. As I walked through the carpark, I started throwing my wallet and phone away, thinking “I don’t need these”. I felt as if I was living out the most important moment of my life, and it was like “I don’t need a <i>phone</i>. There are more important things. I don’t need a <i>wallet</i>.”
<br>
<br>
I started to feel as if no matter what I do, I can’t die. I felt as if even if I stepped out into the traffic, something would stop me from being run over. I felt as if it was not yet my time to die, and I could therefore do any stupid thing and be ok. This was clearly VERY dangerous thinking. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I felt as if it was not yet my time to die, and I could therefore do any stupid thing and be ok. This was clearly VERY dangerous thinking.</div></div> Following that train of thought, I ended up knocking on the door of two of the brothels. There are a craptonne of brothels on this road. Usually I just walk past them and laugh, but I had always been curious about what goes on inside, and I was in the perfect mindset to ring the bell and find out. I was let in to both of them, but very quickly ferried out once the mistresses realized I had no money on me.
<br>
<br>
I was descending even deeper into madness. By the time I got to the empire hotel, I was thinking about the orthodox “holy fools” of Russia. These crazy dudes who get naked and wander around the towns and villages prophesying. I started to feel as if I was one such holy fool, with a message that could save the world. That idea, coupled with my sensation of invincibility, caused me to unbutton my shirt and cast it off into the wind and the night. As I crossed the road, I dropped my pants and underpants, and kicked off my shoes and socks.
<br>
<br>
I was stark naked, rambling on and on about good and evil, walking around<!-- residential Leichhardt-->. Thankfully it was a very quiet residential part of town, so I’m pretty sure not many people saw me, but still it was an incredibly wacky occurrence.
<br>
Eventually I made it home, but I didn’t have my keys on me because I had thrown them away back at maccas. I ended up pacing in loops between my front door and the front door of the house beside ours. My philosophizing was in overdrive. I was thinking about the trinity, dualism, masculine, feminine, the whore of Babylon, the virgin Mary, Jesus etc etc etc.
<br>
<br>
My drug induced insanity just kept getting worse. Eventually, failing to get in to my house, I instead continued to walk around the suburb, and eventually found myself walking in circles around the local catholic church, where the capuchin friars live. The visuals were labyrinth by this point. Not good, not bad, just alien and weird. I was stuck in insane thought loops, and the trip was oscillating between good, bad and neutral. When I was feeling good, I was anticipating that at any point it would head south, and when it headed south, I was holding onto the gospel promise that it’s all gonna be ok in the end and eventually I would return to the good. This was clinical insanity.
<br>
<br>
One common theme that kept recurring was the idea that “the unknown” could intrude into my reality at any time. And I was prophesying to myself as I walked around naked around the church that “yes, at some point tonight, something unexpected is gonna happen that sends me to hell.” Well, lo and behold, as I found myself pressing my naked body against the cold outer wall of the church for some reason, a cop appeared. Soon there were more cops. They asked me what I’d taken. I wanted with all my heart to cooperate and answer their questions honestly, but I was tripping so hard by this point that it was a struggle to communicate with them. They ended up pulling me aside and sitting me down on the concrete, as they tried to establish who I was, where I live, what I had taken, what the fuck I was doing naked running in circles around the local church at midnight etc.
<br>
I was very much in “bad trip” territory by this point. The cops were relentlessly asking me the same questions over and over again. “Where do you live?”, “Do you have any flatmates?”, “What’s your name?”, “How old are you?”, “Have you taken anything tonight?”
<br>
<br>
At one point one of the male officers laughed out loud and said “He’s the priest!” and I just felt so full of shame, thinking that I legitimately was the priest and was setting a terrible example and letting down the parish and the church and God. Suddenly one of the officers was saying “Look at his passport photo! He looks like a criminal!”. I was so utterly confused, thinking “how the fuck do they have my passport?”
<br>
<br>
After what felt like an eternity of shame and horror, the officers chucked me in the back of the paddywagon and locked me up. I felt resigned to my fate. I figured I was about to go to prison, my family was going to be notified, my life was coming to an end. The ride in the back of the police wagon felt like forever.
<br>
<br>
But wow what good luck I had. When the door of the wagon opened, I found myself out the front of my house, with L standing there at the front door looking sleepy, annoyed and bemused. I hopped out, walked up the steps and went straight inside to the shower.
<br>
<br>
The cops must have been able to accurately extract my address from me during the earlier interrogations on the concrete at the church. One of them had driven over, knocked on the door and asked L to confirm that I live there. L had gone to my room, found my passport and proved that I was a resident. So instead of locking me up for the night they just kindly drove me home. I was so infinitely thankful that it turned out like that, rather than something worse.
<br>
<br>
But I was still shaken up by the experience. As I hid under the covers of my bed, I had to leave the lights on so that I could stare at my clock and verify that time had passed and time was passing. The insanity was wearing off, but I was still terrified that at any time I could discover that it was all a dream, and I was actually in a prison cell or somewhere worse. I remember going down and brewing some tea and holding my head in my hands while praying “Oh God, please tell me it was a dream, please tell me it didn’t really happen”.
<br>
<br>
I managed to rest up a little. When I woke up, I discovered that it was NOT just a dream and it DID really happen, and I knew this because I didn’t have my phone, my wallet, my shoes, or my $300 loud shirt. I had to retrace my steps and literally pick up the pieces. I couldn’t remember where I had dumped all my stuff on the way home, and I had to make use of apple’s “find my iphone” app to locate all my stuff. I ended up finding everything except for my shoes, socks, watch, drink bottle and loud shirt. It had rained during the night, so my shorts and underpants (which I found in the middle of the road) were soaking wet.
<br>
<br>
In the end, I learned so much from the experience, and I don’t regret it. But It was the first time that I realized that bad trips can involve the police, and actual bad things happening, rather than just psychological terror. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">It was the first time that I realized that bad trips can involve the police, and actual bad things happening, rather than just psychological terror.</div></div> I have tripped many times since then, but not on acid. This trip taught me that acid is psychologically next level, and 25i-nbome is actually a safer drug in terms of the headspace.
<br>
<br>
This trip directly led to me reconsidering my vocation. After being so utterly fascinated by evil, darkness, the feminine, I figured God might be calling me to move away from ordination and instead investigate relationships with girls again. Maybe I’ll get married? At time of writing (A couple of months after this trip), I’ve picked up a new girlfriend. The future is bright, and even from a bad trip, good lessons are learned.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2019</td><td width="90">ExpID: 113089</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 25</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: May 8, 2019</td><td>Views: 5,115</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=113089&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=113089&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Police / Customs (60) : Train Wrecks &amp; Trip Disasters (7), Bad Trips (6), Various (28)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">195 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
<span class="erowid-note">[Erowid Note:
Claims of measured microgram dosages for LSD are usually unsupported. Quantitative measurements for LSD are very difficult to do and cannot be done casually. Without further detailed information about how the measurements were derived, it is reasonable to assume that most statements of microgram dosages of LSD on blotter or in microdots are either misinformed or overstated.]</span>
<br>
<br>
My first (long-awaited) encounter occurred last night, taken with a friend. The dosage was reckoned to be about 200-260 ug each. As preparation, I remained caffeine and alcohol free all week prior to our experiment.
<br>
<br>
We took the blotters in the morning, about 10:30am, as we knew from reading about it that it would last about 8 hours or so and didn't want to be falling asleep through taking it in the evening, not being particularly rock n roll. We ate a light breakfast beforehand. We put the blotters under our tongues for 1/4 hour and then swallowed them, settling down with a quality episode of Star Trek while waiting for the fun to begin.
<br>
<br>
Half an hour later, I started to feel the effects - a slight urge to smile and fidget, colours looking a little brighter, a need to move around. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I started to feel the effects - a slight urge to smile and fidget, colours looking a little brighter, a need to move around.</div></div>
<br>
<br>
Which we did, and went out into the yard to look at the trees there, which were starting to look interesting. Unfortunately it was a cold and wet day, and not ideal for sitting there. We put music on in the house but didn't feel like sitting inside, as we both felt that we wanted to be closer to nature. So we walked to the public gardens, where we happily spent the next 6 hours, shuffling round and 'wowwing' at all the plants, looking at them in the greatest detail.
<br>
<br>
The effects were milder than expected. I had expected a major freakout, possible big hallucinations, possibly even the urge to see if I could fly. Nothing of the sort occurred. There was one point where the visuals in the garden turned very interesting, sort of like a bubbly wave effect. It was like the main part of the image was relatively normal, but blocks around the outside were zooming into focus in a circular fashion, with parts of the centre bubbling randomly into sharper focus. I was thinking then that if this hit any heavier I might have difficulty appearing normal. Luckily this didn't last long. The trees looked like a Japanese Zen Garden. The design of flowers was fascinating to both of us. I didn't feel I needed to be with my friend all the time, but as the garden had the appearance of massively increasing in size, I found it very comforting to see that she was close by.
<br>
<br>
After many laps of the garden, 6 hours had passed and the effects were wearing off, with scenery still pleasing to the eye but the desire to inspect everything disappearing. We walked back to the house.
<br>
<br>
The only adverse effect I noticed (my friend didn't) was a very dry mouth for the rest of the evening. No negative effects the day after, just a nice calm, relaxed feeling.
<br>
<br>
Overall, this experience was and wasn't what I expected. It was in the sense that it was similar to substances that I'd taken before which I had thought would be like it. The visuals were close to those on mushrooms, but I felt calmer, as if I had taken an E, without the nausea that usually accompanies mushrooms for me. I didn't find I thought much, there were no great insights. Pleasantly, there was no paranoia. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">here were no great insights. Pleasantly, there was no paranoia.</div></div>
<br>
<br>
It wasn't what I expected in the sense that there were no big hallucinations, no urge to fly, to run screaming from the garden straight into the nearest psychiatric hospital, or to effect a massive lifestyle change - all of which media reports tend to hint at. No urge to start a '60s revival revolution occurred, although we did think that perhaps we should embrace our approaching middle age and go to gardens more often. Perhaps the most startling revelation was that we were turning into our parents...
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<br>
Have I made this sound boring? It wasn't, it was very enjoyable, and a peaceful, happy way to spend a day.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2012</td><td width="90">ExpID: 95969</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 30</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: May 21, 2019</td><td>Views: 1,709</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=95969&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=95969&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Public Space (Museum, Park, etc) (53), Nature / Outdoors (23), First Times (2)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">145 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
It was a beautiful Friday in early summer. Some friends had found an abandoned mansion in the forest, and had planned for months to throw something of an Acid Test in it. I knew there would be lots of creativity, lots of good energy, and lots of excitement. Mentally, I couldn't have been better prepared, anticipating this kind of environment of organic and collaborative creation. The whole day, I felt full of a certain kind of charm, akin to what I feel when I watch the movie Begin Again. It's a beautiful, romantic feeling, breathtaken, and open to give myself to the world, like how I feel when I first meet a new love interest. I don't know how else to describe it.
<br>
<br>
I took one tab of absolutely fantastic acid around 11 am and went to help set up the mansion. It was my second time taking a full dose. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">It was my second time taking a full dose.</div></div>
<br>
<br>
It was a very feminine trip. I am a man. I imagine the setting of creativity influenced this to a great degree - after all, creativity is associated with femininity. But more than that, it felt like having a period or giving birth. Not in an uncomfortable way. Not that I've done either of those, but it was an inexplicable feeling, and distinctly feminine. It felt like pushing something I had worked on for ages out into the world.
<br>
<br>
Perhaps the reason was because I met my Shadow. What do I mean by that? The Jungian archetype of the Shadow is constituted of every trait of yours that society has deemed unbecoming, and told you to repress: annoying habits, selfish tendencies, uncomfortable remarks. These - which are ultimately part of you; after all, they came from your young, unaltered self - get pushed down into your subconscious, where they begin to form a different You, an equal and opposite You, a Hyde to your Jekyll, an Enkidu to your Gilgamesh. About 4 hours into the trip, after I had been hanging out in this mansion for a while, helping set up and all for the party that was to come, I realized it was time to go back to practice with my band for an hour, after which I would come back to the mansion. I went with a friend, and we walked back through the woods. There were some edible plants (trout lily) along the way, and we each ate a few. This was when my Shadow manifested. I swallowed a leaf, and as I finished the swallow, I realized there was something stuck in my throat. It wasn't the leaf. In fact, it wasn't anything I had eaten. I swallowed and swallowed and couldn't get rid of it. It felt like a second tongue, not split like the way snakes' tongues are, but lying on top of my regular tongue. It felt very strongly as though there was a second person inside me, trying to come out. This was my Shadow. For the past 20 years, I had been growing, working on myself, and, unbeknownst to me, my Shadow had been growing too, hidden from me. It felt like I wanted to vomit my Shadow out, to give birth to it in some way <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">It felt like I wanted to vomit my Shadow out, to give birth to it in some way</div></div> (hearkening back to the feminine, birthing feeling), and it was honestly quite weird, even a little scary. I wasn't sure if this feeling would ever go away. (It did, but not until the next day.) I cannot stress enough how much I felt I was seeing a birth, even giving birth to this second Me.
<br>
<br>
I realized that this could be encapsulated by the idea that Infinity is the new One. You work on something, you perfect it, you grow it (in this case, 'it' is myself), but once it has reached infinity, perfection, the Yang to my Yin emerges, just as perfect, and the dialectic of reconciling the two begins anew, another infinite process. Pure math has addressed this quite a bit, too. Cantor's theory of Ordinal Numbers, and Conway's Surreal Number system involve counting up and up, generating numbers as you go, until you reach infinity. Then, you count by infinities: one-infinity, two-infinity, until you reach infinity squared. Then you count by infinity-squared's, and every time you reach a limit, that limit becomes your new increment, your new One. I saw this everywhere. In nature, an unfathomable amount of work goes into making a tree: millions of years of evolution, and then many years of the tree itself growing. But once it's grown, it's just a product, and ivy takes it over, using it as if it was just a finite thing. The steam engine took forever to invent, but once it was created, everyone could use it, could just count by steam engines. Infinity is the new One.
<br>
<br>
I got back, and was a little late to band practice. During this time, I developed a very strange vision. It was as if in a film, where someone had broken the fourth wall, and punched the camera, fracturing the lens such that all subsequent shots had a rift through the middle, the top half slightly offset from the bottom half. Look up the advertisement for the film Divergent; the title is akin to this sort of vision. What's more, the top half looked to be seen through a Good, Jekyll-y perception, while the bottom half was twisted, Evil, and Hyde-y. Everyone and everything I looked at had these dual aspects to them. It was really bizarre, but quite entertaining.
<br>
<br>
I was extremely aware, during this time, of the dualistic male/female dynamic. For example, my band's bassist, a man, kept interrupting one of our singers, a woman, which really irritated me. He would try to shoot down her belief in Qi, for example, by parroting scientific experiments that he obviously had only seen a buzzfeed article about, or something. He didn't know how the experiment had been run, he didn't know what the results meant, he didn't know what Qi even was, he just knew he had to be right and it had to not exist. Idiot.
<br>
<br>
I'm not sure how long the Jekyll/Hyde vision lasted, maybe a little over an hour. It subsided at some point, and I went back to the mansion. I experienced a very interesting synchronicity as I arrived again. There was music blasting, but I could only barely hear it. As I emerged from the forest, I was running, with my arms up and hands in the V for Victory, and some good friends were in a circle on the lawn, and as I became visible to them, the music began to swell, until it was a glorious - dare I say - peak, timed perfectly for me to jump into the arms of my friend who had seen me and ran my way to greet me. There was so much love in that moment, and everyone agreed it was uncanny how perfectly the music had anticipated my arrival.
<br>
<br>
The next 6 or so hours, until midnight, were the comedown. People were passing around a vial of acid and just taking sips from it, it was hilarious. Some interesting synchronicities and thought-loops happened, but none of them worth mentioning here. I still had the dual tongue feeling in the back of my throat, and still felt very feminine and creative, but wasn't exactly 'tripping' any more.
<br>
<br>
The next day, I awoke and could slightly feel my Shadow's tongue. It dissipated by the end of that day.
<br>
<br>
I felt renewed, expanded. I had experienced the other side of life.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2017</td><td width="90">ExpID: 110856</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 20</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: May 26, 2019</td><td>Views: 1,791</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=110856&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=110856&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Entities / Beings (37), Glowing Experiences (4), Large Group (10+) (19)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">67 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
<!--Trip report – The incredible ‘It’
<br/>
2 tabs = 300micrograms
<br/>
<br/>
-->I was supposed to be tripping with my boyfriend and three friends, however on the day my bf wasn’t feeling like it, one of my friends decided to be a sober sitter and the other was out of contact and came over to trip after the final friend and I had already been tripping for a few hours. On a whim, I had taken 2 tabs instead of my usual one, because my friend was taking 2.5 (he has a ridiculous tolerance for drugs and the usual dose we take<!--, 150micrograms,--> only makes him slightly giggly, so we decided to try a higher dose. He also takes 300mg of MDMA to feel any high at all). I though fuck it, I’d accompany him on this high dose (incidentally double the dose I had ever done). I had taken acid maybe 4 or 5 times. None of them were like this.
<br>
<br>
Initially we switched on the Scooby Doo movie, and whilst it started out kind of funny, it just became more and more unsettling after a while. My friend was started to freak out with his breathing as he felt for the first time LSD kicking in and I followed him to the floor of the kitchen and out of that atmosphere in the living room and got him to breathe and cool down with me (drink water and chill out, he was pouring with sweat, he runs at a high temperature and the restless LSD comeup was not helping). Anyway, I got him and myself sorted again, and we went back to the living room where we changed to listening to music. We bobbed along to the music, mirroring each other identically, as visuals began kicking in harder for me.
<br>
<br>
Around this time I messaged my boyfriend asking him to come over. He appeared upset on the phone, and I remembered that I had stupidly left him on a sad note, and I was not planning to stand for it. I insisted that if he wasn’t coming here (we lived a few streets away from my friend’s house), then I was going there. My friends tried to dissuade me, but my mind was entirely set. By this point the rough coming up energy was finally evening out to the beautiful, colourful, clear and deep visuals that I adore on LSD. I said I was completely fine to walk home alone if I must, because my sheer determination was so strong. Luckily my sober friend was having none of it and eventually began to walk me home since my mind was set.
<br>
<br>
It was on the walk home that I began to realise that I was far, far from evening out on the trip. My friend was talking to me about his little sister and how he went skiing with her as we walked; in the meantime, my vision had split. On the one hand I could still see my friend and surroundings and hold the conversation going, on the other hand – visions began to appear in my mind that were just as clear and real to me as my surroundings. I could see them in full as well as what was physically around me. It is lucky that brains can see multiple dimensions and things at once when tripping this hard, even if the visions were sometimes intruding into my surroundings. But I have never experienced this before – it wasn’t open eye visuals, it wasn’t closed eye visuals, it was mind’s eye visuals <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I have never experienced this before – it wasn’t open eye visuals, it wasn’t closed eye visuals, it was mind’s eye visuals</div></div> – as clear as day.
<br>
<br>
I began feeling the lead up to something, something big. I could see the cosmos and green celtic knots intertwining. I could hear a song playing that had been playing earlier, and the words ‘don’t try to force it’ and ‘the incredible….the incredible….the incredible ‘It’’. I saw hundreds of spiritual clichés as completely true, could hear wordplays in my mind that held significant meaning, and then all of a sudden I was slipping into being everyone. I saw myself in the eyes of an enlightened buddhist monk, a homeless person, I saw myself being cruel to my ex and for a moment I felt guilty, before I realised that my ex was also me, and that we both were me, and I slipped back into being one with everyone just as quickly.
<br>
<br>
I saw reality as a singular point – A point that all I could see was white, and it looked 2D until I looked from the side, where it refracted. It refracted into our reality – perfection that refracted into different vibrations/light/not sure what to create form and our material universe. It formed a multidimensional shape that was our reality, forms just a mere refraction of the one whole, which could be seen when I rotated back to looking from the top of the shape where it was one singular point again. I understood deeply then that this reality is eternal. That point, it had always been there, and it would always be. There was nothing else except that point. And the refractions of the point, our world, were always changing in constant flow, like the celtic knots. I could see people and environments shifting into others, changing eternally.
<br>
<br>
We got to my house and my boyfriend answered the door. I came inside and sat on the sofa with him, reeling from my realisations and the ongoing visions of the reality. I turned to him and said, ‘L, I am so happy that we will be together forever!’ because I understood that he and I were one, and we were the whole, and the whole is eternal, so we would never be apart, even if I was technically him too.
<br>
<br>
He was watching a serious program on TV where someone had cancer and police were involved with some case and that sort of thing. I was on my high of feeling one with all and the bliss and knowledge that everything was always going to be okay, everything was eternal. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I was on my high of feeling one with all and the bliss and knowledge that everything was always going to be okay, everything was eternal.</div></div> I thought the show was a comedy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could hear the seriousness in everyone’s voices, but it was all a parody to me, and I shouted at the screen ‘you’re not going to die! We’re all eternal!’ and the characters seemed to me to be putting on more and more ridiculous tones to make me laugh with because none of that stuff that they were talking about truly mattered.
<br>
<br>
I was still seeing multidimensionally for some time and at the peak of the trip I lay on the floor with my eyes closed, seeing the flow of one life into another, over and over, in the cosmos and celtic knots. I felt bliss and lost in that moment. Eventually I began coming down, and it was by far the roughest end to a trip I have ever had – it felt like all those dimensions were suddenly being crammed into my tiny, human little head and as if 4D had been downgraded to 2D – like a highly realistic VR game being downgraded to an old arcade game. It was really hard to go back to this point of view as it wasn’t happening smoothly but in a somewhat jarring manner, like steps, and it made me feel really nauseous because of the difference in visual input all of a sudden.
<br>
<br>
I had to leave to the bedroom and listen to acoustic music in the dark to calm myself and make the transition smoother. I found that all my egoic functions were coming back one by one – I felt my shallow breathing return, I started thinking thoughts about myself that I usually do subconsciously, though I could still at this point easily distinguish between my higher perceptions and the lower vibration, not-divine egoic thoughts, and discount the latter. I also found that there were particular ways that I could lie down and perceive my surroundings that followed the ‘flow’ that I had felt and perceived. ‘Don’t force it’. This, I understood, was the Tao that my father had spoken about so highly when I was younger. I experienced the truth of this discipline.
<br>
<br>
And I also found the perfect song in that moment to explain the truth of our reality and how we are all just refractions of that one point of … light (? I do not know what it was. I barely have the language to describe the crazy multidimensionality and shapes of it all, I could have never imagined anything like this of my own accord). The song is called Shapes in the Sun by Allman Brown.
<br>
<br>
I haven’t tripped since because I am worried that I don’t want to overwrite this amazing experience. But I may do again someday. In the meantime I have been studying Eckhart Tolle’s teachings, who describes consciousness and ego in great alignment of my own experience, as well as Taoism.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2019</td><td width="90">ExpID: 113293</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 23</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jun 21, 2019</td><td>Views: 1,846</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=113293&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=113293&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Mystical Experiences (9), Glowing Experiences (4)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 drops</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">6 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">150 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
Let me preface this by saying that this was not my first rodeo. I had tripped on various substances more times than I could count, and subsequently I'd gotten lazy. Careless, even. I smoke cannabis almost on the daily, but I rarely drink and only on occasion have I ever taken pharms, even those prescribed to me. I thought I could handle whatever it was that I was getting myself into, and didn't bother to think that I may be overestimating my capabilities.
<br>
<br>
It all started about four months prior, when a friend and roommate (who I'll refer to as 'J') asked me if I would like to put down a fairly sizable amount of cash for what he referred to as 'a huge ass vial of acid.' I had no choice but to oblige. Over the course of those four months, the two of us, along with some other friends and roommates of ours had plenty of exciting and meaningful experiences catalyzed by the contents of this vial. On this particular day however, it was just me doing the tripping, and it was the last of it.
<br>
<br>
I got home excited for what I thought was going to be another great experience. I had somehow gotten through the last of my exams, and this was a little treat for myself. A celebration of my liberation from academia for another few weeks. As I walked into my room, I shut off the lights, locked the doors, and drew the blinds. I didn't want anyone barging in on my little ritual, even though I had informed J of my intent to trip that day.
<br>
<br>
I opened up my fridge and pulled out the vial wondering if I could even get the last bits of the stuff out. The dropper was too short by maybe a millimeter, and after a solid twenty minutes of struggling to get it out of the container I finally managed to coax the liquid into the dropper, which I quickly transferred to myself.
<br>
<br>
[T+ 0:00] 2 drops liquid LSD
<br>
<br>
Satisfied with my efforts and feeling as though I had just made some great achievement, I settled into my couch and waited for the acid to hit me. I hadn't made any plans for this trip, as I wanted to see where it would take me if I let it. I'd had trouble with 'letting go' in the past, and I felt that I was always trying to control my trips rather than experiencing them for what they were.
<br>
<br>
[T+ 0:20]
<br>
<br>
At this point J stopped by to ask me how I was doing, and to let me know that he would be having a few friends over that night, and they would be having their own little celebration with mountains of weed. He invited me to join, and I accepted, so we headed outside to smoke some weed in advance. I weighed out and ground 1.5 grams of Star Fighter I'd bought from the dispensary the day before, which we loaded into a massive bowl piece we had affectionately named the 'Bowl of Kings.'
<br>
<br>
[T+ 0:30] ~ 6 hits of Cannabis
<br>
<br>
Upon arriving outside, I noticed the usual 'coming up' feeling I get whenever I take psychedelics. We sat down on the stairs out back and passed the bong back and forth for what felt like an eternity. After my third or fourth hit I noticed that the visuals I usually associate with strong marijuana intoxication were far more vivid than I had ever seen before. I saw what looked like an infinity symbol floating around in the corner of my vision, appearing then disappearing frequently. It was green and black, the insides of the two cavities not being cavities at all, but rather more layers of the shape, in alternating stripes. Along with this I saw what I like to call the 'Golden Static' which I usually get to varying degrees when I smoke weed, but it also was far more vivid than on the weed alone. It encompassed my whole vision with a fireworks display of beautiful yellows, golds, and even blues. By the time I realized that I was focusing on these visuals rather than on smoking the bong, my trip was in full force.
<br>
<br>
[T+ 0:50]
<br>
<br>
J and I finally headed inside, after he decided he couldn't smoke anymore before his friends arrived. When I passed through the threshold into the house however, I felt as if I was completely sober again. I didn't even feel the weed anymore. I made my way to the bathroom to check my pupils, and sure enough they were dilated. I sat around waiting for the trip to come back, disappointed a little. At this point I started to wonder if I had taken enough, which is a sign to me that I was indeed still tripping. I'm usually extremely cautious when it comes to re-dosing, as I usually try to convince myself that less is more.
<br>
<br>
[T + 1:00]
<br>
<br>
This is where I made my mistake.
<br>
<br>
I went back into my room, still feeling way too sober for being on two hits of acid, looking for the vial. After I located it, I saw there was still some material clinging to the sides of the container, almost like a residue of some sort. In my not-so-apparently befuddled state, I decide to get at what was inside the vial. I poured a small amount of distilled water into the vial, and after a moment's hesitation, drank the water from inside. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I poured a small amount of distilled water into the vial, and after a moment's hesitation, drank the water from inside.</div></div> Satisfied that I would now start my trip, I walked out the the living room where J was happily enjoying some Cheetos.
<br>
<br>
Upon sitting down I realized my mistake. The trip was back, and it occurred to me that I had no idea what sort of dosage would have been left in the container. I let J know what I did, and he suddenly became quite a bit more serious, having had a fairly intense and overwhelming experience himself in the days prior. He started to assure me that all would be well, and that what was done was done. I had to simply float downstream.
<br>
<br>
[T + 1:45]
<br>
<br>
Having sat on the couch admiring the art on the walls for the greater part of an hour, I started to feel the trip intensify far beyond the peaks I was used to. The floor started morphing in waves, and the walls dripped a shimmering ooze beyond any sort of explanation. I felt my mind take off on thousands of different thoughts that felt as if they were happening simultaneously. I watched J move about the room, and his movements seemed to have a shuttering effect. Every time he would move say, his head, I would see one side make the move, then be followed by the other only after it had completed moving. This freaked me out, and I started to wonder exactly how hard I would be tripping in say, six hours or so.
<br>
<br>
I felt a crippling fear growing inside me, and knew that this would not be a fun experience.
<br>
<br>
[T + 2:00]
<br>
<br>
I made my way back to my room in an attempt to segregate myself from the festivities that were about to begin out in the living room. I could handle people on lesser doses, but this was far too much. It was at this point that I lost track of time completely.
<br>
<br>
I began talking to myself in attempt to calm myself down, but to no avail. I began weeping as the thought of losing myself to this... monster became more and more real. I was afraid. More than I can possibly ever describe. I had reoccurring visions of my soul leaving my body, trying to escape the chaos within, only to be pulled back inside by what I could only assume was this monster.
<br>
<br>
Through all the chaos and internal violence that I was feeling, a voice started to console me, telling me that everything was okay, that I would make it. That I was only temporarily under this affliction, and that it would pass if I listened with the intent of learning. Each time it spoke, flashes of beautiful crimson light came flying out of the walls, fading with the voice. The voice spoke to me over the course of the next two hours, the topics ranging from my current plight to the plight of the Earth, my insecurities, and ultimately about love.
<br>
<br>
Over time I began to recognize the voice, and as the feeling of recognition grew, so did a feeling of sadness and loss. I was confused about this as I had a complete turn around of my previous condition, no longer gripped with fear but instead an overwhelming tranquility. I felt that I should ask the voice of its identity, but something inside me told me that I should let the subject rest, which only stoked the fires of my curiosity.
<br>
<br>
I finally mustered up the courage to ask, which I did. But I didn't need a response, and I would not get one. The voice was that of my girlfriend who had passed away about a year prior.
<br>
<br>
[T + 13:00]
<br>
<br>
As I slowly came down, I pondered over what I'd seen, felt, and heard. I do not consider myself a religious person, nor a particularly spiritual one, but I was shaken by what had taken place. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I do not consider myself a religious person, nor a particularly spiritual one, but I was shaken by what had taken place.</div></div> I shed more tears, and slowly fell sleep. After I awoke, I could not, and still cannot make sense of the events of that night. My memory is fragmented, and only bits come to me even as I write this.
<br>
<br>
I've since taken psychedelics far more seriously, and exercise extreme caution when deciding on dosage. I've visited her grave site on multiple occasions since, and to this day I still remain compelled to believe that the voice I heard was indeed hers. Though I will never know for certain.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2014</td><td width="90">ExpID: 105294</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Not Specified</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jun 29, 2019</td><td>Views: 2,101</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=105294&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=105294&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Entities / Beings (37), Train Wrecks &amp; Trip Disasters (7), Difficult Experiences (5), Combinations (3), Various (28)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">150 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I found myself clinging to reality in an inflatable inner tube on my driveway, holding on for dear life to any semblance of sanity I could muster. It was dark. The stars grew into criss-crossing constellations of red, yellow, and blue before my eyes.
<br>
<br>
But let me start from the beginning.
<br>
<br>
There was that vaguely metallic taste that I’d heard so much about. Kind of gross. But it supposedly signified quality acid, so I was pretty happy about it. The blotter was under my tongue, and I was flying down the sidewalk on my bike, heading for the local park where there was nice bike trail. I didn’t realize that that was not the place I would end up, that I would soon be in another state, an alien state. I’d popped the dose right before I’d left. In retrospect, I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
<br>
<br>
But let me start from the real beginning.
<br>
<br>
I’d always wanted to try acid. I’d heard things. Wonderful things. And as an individual who’d always enjoyed psychoactive experiences, LSD-25 felt like a fun, interesting substance. So when my opportunity came up, I jumped for it like an excitable little boy. I now realize I was foolish to take it so lightly. <!-- A warning to anyone thinking about doing LSD: do not fuck around with this stuff. What they say is true – you will trip balls. -->
<br>
<br>
I consider myself an experienced psychoactive user. I have extensive acquaintance with cannabis, alcohol, and DXM. LSD has nothing to do with any of that. It’s in a whole different ball park. A whole different stadium. But I was skeptical. I am aware of the human capacity to aggrandize certain experiences, and I had a hunch that LSD would not be what people like Timothy Leary, Albert Hofmann, and this dude I met at a party one time had made it out to be. “Dude: Acid is fucking crazy man.” Suuuuure, dude. Whatever you say.
<br>
<br>
Now, what I really hoped for from LSD was the mystical, enlightening aspect I’d read about in books like the Doors of Perception and The Psychedelic Experience. But it all seemed “eastern-religiony.” Enlightenment. Ego-death. First, second, and third “Bardo,” whatever the hell that means. That’s why, when I decided to take one of the five hits I’d bought from a friend a few days before, I was expecting some light visuals at most; maybe a little body high. I had little concern about how I would be able to handle myself in a public park. I mean, I’d been high in public places many, many times before. So, as I said, one beautiful summer evening I dropped a dose, hopped on my bike, and took a short jaunt to the bike trail. Oh man, was I in for a surprise.
<br>
<br>
Before I even got there, around 7:30, I noticed something. I couldn’t tell you what, exactly, it was. But I knew that something was just different; odd. That metallic taste had flooded my mouth. I took a swig of water, and the great flood washed the blotter down my throat. Kid Cudi was playing on my iPod. The sun was nearing its hiding place behind the trees. A wonderful moment.
<br>
<br>
A few minutes later, I was sitting on one of the many park benches along the bike trail. It was fairly busy. Bikers and runners passing by. All of them content and sober and in reality. This is when “the drugs began to take hold.”
<br>
<br>
The visuals came first. The black pavement of the bike trail began wobbling, undulating like water from my seat on the bench. I tilted my now-heavy head to my right. Two trash cans. One blue, one green. I couldn’t tell how far away they were. Oh shit.
<br>
<br>
I decided to get up. At that point, I thought that those visuals would probably be the extent of my trip, and I wanted to try riding my bike around while feeling them. So I hopped on and rode to the next bench/picnic table area near the restrooms. Ridding the bike felt surreal. I couldn’t feel myself peddling. My head existed, I know, but I didn’t feel or notice much else about “my” body. Oh yeah: this is when I think I touched upon what they call “ego-death.”
<br>
<br>
Riding up the hill, I was overcome with certain feelings. I felt as though a statement like “I enjoy riding my bike” could not make sense. What I? Who is I? What is the essence of the designation “I”? There was the sensation that experience was not being mediated through what I formerly called my individuality. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">There was the sensation that experience was not being mediated through what I formerly called my individuality.</div></div> This was not frightening or worrisome because there was no “me’ to be scared or worried. Calmness, serenity overtook… me, I guess. Or what I would have formerly designated “me.” This was the most calm and wonderful portion of the trip. After this, around 8:30, both the sky and my mind grew darker. Things took a decided turn toward the hectic, frightening, and incredible.
<br>
<br>
All of a sudden, I look up from the picnic table, and massive hexagonal formations literally blanketed the sky. Spinning. Morphing. The most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. I listened to the entireity of Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon while examining these alien formations. I eventually look down. The bike path was oozing like lava. I look at my arm, and I feel it’s not part of “myself.” I attempt to pull my skin off, but not in a deliberately hard or violent way. It was more of a gentle exploration of my new environment. Re-birth. Everything was new, and as I tugged on my skin, I did feel sensation, yet I still felt that it wasn’t “me.” Me was lost. Feet on the air, head on the ground.
<br>
<br>
I knew I shouldn’t have gone into that god-forsaken forest.
<br>
<br>
Remember when I said, “this is when the drugs began to take hold”? Fuck that. This is when the drugs became the dry cement holding up the steel girders of my consciousness. Remember that scene from Fight Club where Tyler and Ed Norton are riding in a car, talking about project Mayhem? “Hey! I wanna know certain things! I wanna know what you’re thinking,” Norton cries. “Fuck what you know,” Tyler responds. “You need to forget about what you know, what you think you know about life, friendship, and especially about you and me.”
<br>
<br>
<!-- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pl5azYCsqd8&feature=related -->Tyler is acid, I’m Ed Norton, and yes, we are becoming the same person.
<br>
<br>
Tyler straps his seatbelt on, puts the pedal to the metal, and lets go of the steering wheel. Soon they are flying into oncoming traffic. I franticly try to grab the steering wheel, and acid’s like “Look at you! You’re fucking pathetic. This is not a weekend retreat. Stop trying to control everything. Just let go.”
<br>
<br>
Fine.
<br>
<br>
It was becoming night. Stars were beginning to twinkle, and I’d managed to find a heavily-forested path shooting away from the bike trail.
<br>
<br>
“Walk in, man. Go ahead. It’ll be trippy.” Who said that?
<br>
<br>
It was pitch black inside the forest. I found the end of the trail, meeting a shallow river. I saw little, mostly morphing and moving darkness. I took a piss, which relieved me. “Oh yeah, that’s why I came in here. Time to get the hell out.”
<br>
<br>
Oh shit. There were robots all over the ground. Little contraptions with six, eight, twelve legs; just laying there, waiting for me to walk over them. Were they trying to trap me? Climb me? Were they benevolent? I tried to run one over with my bike tire. It didn’t budge, and I concluded they were either defunct, didn’t want me, or weren’t robots. Hell if I know.
<br>
<br>
Somehow, I made it out of the forest and back on to the bike trail. Before this moment, I felt as if I could talk to somebody and maintain a façade of sobriety, albeit a shoddy one. Now two men were walking towards me. Any thought of concealing my condition was far away at that point. I didn’t care if other people knew. Actually, I didn’t feel that other people were really “people” anymore. They were something, and I was something else entirely. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I didn’t feel that other people were really “people” anymore. They were something, and I was something else entirely.</div></div> This disconnect with other people fostered what I would call insanity; the most frightening aspect of the trip.
<br>
<br>
What happened to the men, I do not know. What I did know was that it was time to start heading home.
<br>
<br>
Now, I did not take that decision lightly. “Are you running, or leaving? Are you scared, or merely ready to move on to the next portion of the trip?” The last thing I wanted was to make a decision out of fear.
<br>
<br>
I diplomacized with myself by biking up and down the same strip of the bike trail, finally deciding to leave only to turn around and decide to stay.
<br>
<br>
Around 9:30, I came to the conclusion that, because it was too dark to see, it was okay to go home, and that wasn’t a decision made from fear. Fuck if it mattered. It’s hard to think when the ground is morphing into the sky and trees are uprooting and jumping around like ballerinas.
<br>
<br>
Here’s where the insanity sets in.
<br>
<br>
I biked home via sidewalk. Cars were passing me every half minute. I knew people were driving them, but I didn’t understand what people were. I gawked at the passerbys, made insane faces, bobbing my head up and down, biking like a mad man.
<br>
<br>
Yoda must have been a psychonaut: “fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering.”
<br>
<br>
I felt as if I was a stranded space marine, crash-landed on an alien world. I feared people because I did not understand them. This fear led to angst, and this angst led to me losing what was left of my cool.
<br>
<br>
There was me, and there was the great other; everybody else.
<br>
<br>
As frightening as this sounds, I was quite happy while biking home. When on LSD, I was very suggestible. I found that whatever song I put on determined my mood and thoughts. I put on some light, poppy tunes. Katy Perry. Kesha. The Beatles.
<br>
Imagine this: You’re out for a walk. It’s night. From down the street, you see a young man swerving across the road, jumping up and down off his bike, screaming “YOUR LOVE, YOUR LOVE, YOUR LOVE, IS MY DRUG. YOUR LOVE, YOUR LOVE, YOUR LOVE.”
<br>
<br>
Good God: they probably thought they were the ones on acid. I was literally dancing on my bike, singing along at the top of my lungs.
<br>
<br>
I landed at another park. My addled mind was attracted to it because it was dark, secluded, and absent of the strange beings who give me odd stares.
<br>
<br>
It was wonderful. The beneficent, star-studded sky produced massive constellations for my enjoyment. Octagons, pentagons, and hexagons of every variety. Then my heart leapt into my throat as a car pulled into the empty parking lot. It parked with its bright lights pointing directly at me.
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<br>
Oh fuck. This is it. I’m captured. I’ll be picked and prodded and probed by their fascist machines!
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<br>
Fuck it. Let ‘em.
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<br>
OH FUCK I’M GETTING ARRESTED.
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<br>
Wow! Look at that star floating across the sky!
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<br>
I’d become bipolar. Forget the membrane. I was insane to the nucleus, the fucking electrons and protons.
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<br>
Then I jumped out of my skin – another car was pulling in. It parked right next to the other one.
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They both shut off their lights and got out.
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<br>
This is it. Shit’s about to hit the fan…
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And imagine my relief when what emerges from the shadows are not bootstrapped fascists coming to pick my brain, but a young couple holding hands, calmly walking past me. I was ecstatic.
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<br>
So ecstatic, in fact, that I could not contain my enjoyment. It started as a snicker. Soon it was a rolling guffaw of straight-up bars-in-the-window laughter. The couple, of course, turned and gawked at the lone lunatic having a heyday on the bench. It didn’t bother me, but I did decide it was time to leave.
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<br>
I got up, collected my things, and said aloud with genuine lunatic enthusiasm, “Hey guys! It’s time to go home!”
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<br>
Their stares followed me as I hopped on my bike, convulsing and chortling with laughter till they were out of sight and out of mind.
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<br>
Finally – I was home. It was around 10:30, and to my shock and horror, my family was still awake. The glow of the television shone through the porch curtains.
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<br>
I can’t go inside. I’m high as all bloody fuck. I’m insane, for Christ’s sake.
<br>
<br>
I did the only logical thing and laid down on the driveway. I watched the hexagon constellations move like bike gears in the sky. I listened to Pink Floyd’s Echoes. It was wonderful.
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<br>
The rackety clanking of an opening garage door spooked me, and all of a sudden people were everywhere. A man walking three dogs. My neighbors pulling in their driveway. Oh fuck.
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<br>
I hid behind my mother’s Suburban till the activity died down. As I got up from my fetal position, a new confidence arose in my thoughts. My ego had been resurrected to some extent, and I could now think in concepts of “the self.” However, this self was schizophrenic, manic, and paranoid. And until then, I feared that. But as I wiped the dirt from my clothes, my thoughts turned toward the political.
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<br>
Sanity is only a frame of mind. And this society, this Ritalin dosing, Thorazine treating, Prozac prodding society will do anything to “treat” you toward the “right” frame of mind; their frame of mind; the productive, capitalist frame of mind.
<br>
<br>
Fuck that. I’m insane, and I like it.
<br>
<br>
I grabbed an inner tube from my garage, plopped it down in the middle of my driveway, and took a long gaze into the abyss.
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<br>
The visuals began to die down around midnight. I peered around the corner, and the soft glow of the television had ceased. My family had gone to bed, so I walked inside.
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<br>
Apparently they had been up late, and they were just getting to bed. I scurried to my room and shut the lights off. A deep hunger took hold, and I vied for the moment when I could safely plod my tripped-out semblance of self to the kitchen to gorge myself.
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<br>
Eventually they went to bed, I got my food, and I came to a rest in the family room, where I turned on the television. I put on a DVR’ed re-run of Conan. None of the jokes made sense. Conan’s face seemed weird. The whole thing seemed strange. Andy Richter – I couldn’t understand half the shit he was saying. The actor who formerly played Joey on friends was a guest. I felt a deep emotional connection to him. He was in pain, I felt. Nervous. Lonely maybe.
<br>
<br>
Too much for me man. I paused it.
<br>
<br>
A variety of media passed my eyes over the next few hours – Youtube, television, ipod, internet – none of it made sense. My brain was broke. Things were like this till about 2:30, then things started making sense. Reality returned. My schizophrenic delusions lessened.
<br>
<br>
I went to bed and shortly fell asleep.
<br>
<br>
The next day I woke up and felt good, refreshed, like my brain had been recharged. I still feel a bit off. Different. Like I’ve experienced something incredible, like a near-death experience. Maybe this was a “near-life” experience.
<br>
<br>
All in all, it was a wonderful experience. I fear my long ramblings on the terror, mania, and paranoia I felt might be misinterpreted with negative light. This is not the case. Make no mistake – I enjoyed my insanity. It was fun, exhilarating; an adrenaline rush like none other. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">It was fun, exhilarating; an adrenaline rush like none other.</div></div>
<br>
<br>
The reason why I do go into long elaborations about the “crazier” aspects of my experience is because I feel most people would not enjoy the temporary insanity I felt. Some people might consider what I experienced a “bad trip.” <!-- Looking elsewhere on Erowid, this seems to be the case.--> I, however, thoroughly enjoyed the experience, insanity and all. And, make no mistake, my journey was filled with incredible OEV’s, ego-loss, and mystic, enlightening sensations. A warning to anyone thinking about trying LSD – this is powerful stuff. I underestimated the possible effects, and sticky situations ensued. Often times I wanted another person there to tell me it was all okay, that I wasn’t the only one who was different. If I’d had a lifeline like that, I don’t think I would’ve gotten as alienated from other people as I did. I recommend a sitter, or at least doing it with a friend.
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But, then again, much of me enjoyed my insanity. To each his or her own.
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I look forward to dosing again in the near future.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2012</td><td width="90">ExpID: 97287</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 18</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jul 10, 2019</td><td>Views: 2,003</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=97287&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=97287&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Glowing Experiences (4), Music Discussion (22), Entities / Beings (37), First Times (2), Public Space (Museum, Park, etc) (53)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">7.5 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/dom/">DOM</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 2:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1.5 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 11:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">600 ug</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/library/books_online/tihkal/">AL-LAD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 12:20</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3 cups</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/tea/">Tea</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 17:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/etizolam/">Etizolam</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">200 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
LSD and AL-LAD energized by DOM
<br>
<br>
Background about me: I have tried 100+ recreational substances, so have a lot of experience. However, I have generally shied away from high doses of lysergamides after one or two difficult experiences in my early 20s; this report details my highest combined dose to date, which I only took knowing that I would have significant psychedelic tolerance.
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<br>
The timing involved was critical and enabled the dose of AL-LAD in a non-distressing way. To be crystal clear, I would never, ever take that dose without significant tolerance set-in. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">To be crystal clear, I would never, ever take that dose without significant tolerance set-in.</div></div> I wanted to report this as a technique that worked and gave me an utterly peak experience, although I cannot vouch for its general safety.
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<br>
More general background: I supplement magnesium heavily on a daily basis, which seems to help recreational drug experiences go smoother. I also have narcolepsy, so the magnesium alleviates some of the side effects from my symptoms. I also take 2FMA/adderall/armodafinil/caffeine on a daily basis to help with my wakefulness at work, so have some stimulant/amphetamine tolerance. I take the lowest doses possible to get through the day.
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<br>
Location, mindset: this was at a music festival (really just a large party of friends, not open to the general public) on the West Coast, in the forest foothills along a snowmelt river. I was somewhat nervous about this combination without significant harm reduction/risk reduction infrastructure in place (eg only a medical tent, no specific psychedelic cool-down areas or other skilled Zendo-type practitioners), but knew that I would be among friends and have all my years of experience to bring to bear. Overall, nervous but excited. I am a very stable and low-emotional-expressivity person with a good job and fulfilled life. My health/fitness is excellent and my relationships very healthy now and generally.
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Zero hour starts at noon thirty:
<br>
-0:30- I just finished my brunch meal of eggs, quinoa, salad, potatoes. I think it’s important to be well fed.
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0:00 - I take 7.5mg DOM and give 5mg to several of my friends. Bitter as expected. At this point, we are setting up a blanket by the beach stage to spend the day listening to mostly-bass music and dipping in the snowmelt river (spending more time on floaties above the river due to the frigid water). The sun is blazing, the weather is 86F, and its gorgeous.
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<br>
0:30 - Two of my friends, A and B, tell me that, oddly, the DOM has hit them quite fast and they feel solidly tripping in their bodies and muscles. No real visuals yet, but the body high is quite strong. One other friend, C, says she is coming up as well and her body feels confused…not bad, but definitely confused. I can just feel the edge of the DOM energy, which has felt like it is spreading from my throat and chest into my large muscle bodies. At this point, knowing DOM’s effect on muscles, I give all of us 7-9 grams of L-citrulline D,L malate. This is s supplement that helps with peripheral blood pressure and thus eases symptoms of vasoconstriction during chemicals like DOM and stimulant binges. Within minutes, two of my friends are saying their muscles feel more relaxed, although it may just be placebo.
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<br>
1:30 - The two friends who came up quickly are now settling in to their experience and enjoying the energy out on a barge on the water. I am feeling the energy rise, and like previous experiences with DOM, it feels extremely simple, clear-headed, calm…just energy in my body with a fresh headspace. C says she is having fun but also confused like she feels on LSD and psilocin, so is preemptively opting out of phase 2 coming up, which I of course encourage. Always better to err on the side of caution rather than overshooting…
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2:00 - I am in the water with my friends. We’re cuddling, massaging, doing slip’n’slides, basking in the sun, and building hippie pyramids of downwards dog. The cold water bothers me less than expected.
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2:30 - I am ready for phase 2. A and B are gone, C is having a fine enough time, so I take 1.5 nominal ~100µg tabs of LSD (amount verified as 104µg by Energy Control on a different tab from the same sheet) and give a similar 1.5 tabs to another friend of mine D who didn’t take the DOM initially. I chose this timeframe because I wanted to experience the full LSD dose and anecdata suggests that 2-3 hours post-DOM tolerance will NOT have set in, but 4-5+ hours tolerance begins to set in and the LSD will feel quite weak.
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<br>
3:00 - I am coming up faster than usual on the LSD. This is a good sign. I feel dizzy, like the lights are too bright. Fewer wavy twisty visuals than I am used to, but the cast of sunlight and feel in my body tell me that this is a lot of lysergamide. I still feel quite clear-headed, no thought loops or other odd mental paths. I have been dancing, drinking water, having a few sips of beer, and generally basking in the sun. I feel somewhat parched and burned, so I’ve been over applying sunscreen…because why not? My lips feel quite dry but I’m confident I’ve been drinking as I’ve needed to pee twice. Each time I’ve peed, my body ends up shivering with pleasure. These are all good things.
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3:20 - at this point the physical euphoria is incredible. I feel like my full skin has become a sexual organ and rubbing it against other people basking in the sun is too pleasurable to describe in words. Luckily, my friend D who took the LSD but not the DOM is extremely affectionate as well, and we spend the next literal 3.5 hours rolling around on the ground on a blanket together. Her constant touches and legs rubbing against mine provide one of the top three experiences of physical euphoria I’ve experience to date. Occasionally we roll down the hill somewhat - the blanket isn’t even soft, and I only stop to brush all the dirt and sand off D’s legs.
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7:00 - Dinnertime! Dinner is served to everyone…I’m not excited about it, but at least it smells good. We eat a large meal, and I am thankful for the food, although my stomach experiences some sharp pains. After eating, we head back to put on warmer costume clothes for the evening. I have laid out a bag and clothing to make this as easy as possible for myself, but the DOM I think has really helped the clarity I’m usually lacking with LSD. The energy is still extraordinary.
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7:30 - I find I’m grateful to be back in my tent…I thought I wasn’t very high, but as soon as I relax on my mattress, the visuals take over the internal tent walls, highlighting patches of light and dark with breathing/morphing effects. I don’t feel particularly fucked up or unlucid…again I think the DOM is really giving me a clear mind.
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8:30 - We get together with a large group of friends camped nearby and back back into the madness. Still feeling just awesome about everything. There are some decent DJs playing but we decide to explore the art before the late-night music really starts and likely captures our attention.
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<br>
11:30 - After some wandering and chatting with friends, enjoying the body energy and music, I am starting to feel more sober and the visuals are almost down to zero. Knowing the DOM has plenty of time left, and being surprised at how simple and delightful this experience has been so far, I make a rash decision that was not originally intended. I pull out 6 tabs of nominal 100µg AL-LAD and put them in my mouth. It feels like a momentous decision - something that can go very wrong or very right. I’m concerned, but I also understand that at this point I have a pretty enormous psychedelic tolerance from the DOM and the LSD in particular. Having never done anything like this before, I don’t know if this will do nothing, give me a nice supplemental AL-LAD experience, or blast me into a confused and unpleasant state (which I know is typical of AL-LAD doses above 300µg). Oh well, here we go!
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12:20 - I am lacking some food, sustenance, warm…luckily C has prepared several gallons of strong chai to serve partygoers. The chai feels like it fills every need I could ever have - so delicious. I have several cups. Just as I’m finishing my third cup, the AL-LAD comes to life in me! It’s incredible - my vision is completely filled with rainbows, such light and color! I am somewhat dizzy as a result of likely rocketing upwards on the AL-LAD as well as the caffeine from the chai.
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12:30 - Many friends are coming by to get chai, as well as stop and chat. Conversation feels somewhat disabled as the world around me quakes with rainbows. Surprisingly the AL-LAD brings very little headspace with it, very little increase to any sort of confusion or other mental hallmarks of a strong hallucinogen experience. Most of my inability to interact with the world comes as a result of marveling at everything around me. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">Most of my inability to interact with the world comes as a result of marveling at everything around me.</div></div> The sky is just a gaping rainbow fractal maw…I can hardly tear my eyes away from it.
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13:00-16:00 - I request to be horizontal, and my friends join me on cushions to look up at the sky. We play with pillows, rub each other, whisper sweet nothings and serious everything. After an hour on the ground, we explore some music, and then wander out to the outer reaches of the party to check out some of the cute art and the like. The visuals slowly fade during this period. By 16:00 I am extremely hungry, devour some snacks from my bag which are woefully absent (I don’t normally ever eat on drugs at all), luckily one of my traveling companions has a bag of fried mochi rice snacks, which I devour.
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17:00 - The sky is beginning to get light. While I feel no compulsion to sleep, we decide it’s time, and C has mentioned that it has mostly worn off of her, so we have a couple milligrams of etizolam, brush our teeth, and head to our bed.
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Sleep comes easily, and I sleep soundly for 6 hours, waking up the next morning in a happy state with an exhausted brain.
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Overally, this was one of my peak experiences, and I felt that I should share it with a greater audience. The AL-LAD was a gamble that definitely paid off, and overall this was very well-architected for a maximum of incredible psychedelic energy. I will repeat this for certain, likely with a slightly higher dose of LSD.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2019</td><td width="90">ExpID: 113388</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 31</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jul 24, 2019</td><td>Views: 2,790</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=113388&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=113388&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">DOM (20), LSD (2), AL-LAD (603) : Glowing Experiences (4), Combinations (3), Large Group (10+) (19)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">240 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
During this summer I was feeling the happiest I had ever felt in a long time. I was moved out of my parents house, I only worked part time so I wasn’t overworked or overly stressed out. Where I ended up taking LSD for the first time also had a big effect on my experience, I took it at my sister’s house where she lived with her husband and a few roommates. I had already been at my sister’s house quite a few times, and I was good friends with her roommates. Everybody there was chill, her house was comfortable and relaxing. It was the perfect setup for what was easily my best trip.
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<br>
It was at 10:00 that night when I took the tab. I think it took around an hour or longer for it to actually kick in so I started by playing Overwatch and just waiting for the effects. It was likely nothing more than placebo but at around 30 minutes I was starting to feel more talkative and relaxed. Nothing else worth noting really happened while I was playing Overwatch so I ended up stopping after about an hour, maybe less. From now on I won’t be able to mention the specific time of certain effects happening because time lost all meaning to me throughout the rest of the night.
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<br>
When I stopped playing Overwatch I just sat down on the couch and stared at the ceiling, which is when the visuals started kicking in. I saw pixelated fractals moving in on themselves with some extending out in a straight line. These fractals were constantly moving in a sort of linear way and changing on whatever I looked at, in this case it was the ceiling. I’m pretty sure I was captivated by the ceiling and didn’t look at anything else for at least a few minutes. What I compared the visuals to in the moment was ants digging tunnels on the ceiling.
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I was thrown a blanket at some point and just melted into it. There were also quite a few pets in this house and being graced with the company of these animals felt amazing as well. I had a very hard time letting go of anything soft due to the sheer pleasure of having anything soft against my skin. When I looked at my hands they didn’t look wildly different, as the fractal visuals were much more noticeable on distant objects, but my hands did look strangely darker with the lines on them being much more vivid. My sister’s husband was an avid vaper, so I was constantly mesmerized by vapor clouds that I’m pretty sure he was purposely blowing towards me. Each time I saw a vape cloud there was a cessation of thought and I couldn’t focus on anything else until the cloud dissipated.
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<br>
After awhile, all colors were enhanced beyond anything I could’ve ever imagined. The closest thing I can compare it to is HD vision. As the trip really started to come on I started to feel what was easily the greatest feeling of my life. It was just this pure anxiety-melting happiness and euphoria, and a strong feeling of togetherness and being in the moment. It felt as if I was getting all of this beautiful information, but it didn’t come in the form of language, it came as a feeling, an experience. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">It felt as if I was getting all of this beautiful information, but it didn’t come in the form of language, it came as a feeling, an experience.</div></div> I watched Moana during the come up of my trip, and it felt like I was a little kid watching a Disney movie for the first time, it may have even felt more magical than that. Moana was amazing and breathtakingly beautiful, and I couldn’t have picked a better moment to watch it. The colors were vivid and I was completely absorbed into every single moment.
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<br>
After Moana was over I just ended up talking to my sister and her roommates, and my trip quickly started to shift from a visual space to a sort of analytical space. All of these existential realizations came to me in so many different ways, and my thoughts were moving way faster than I could even attempt to speak them. Time itself wasn’t really linear and every moment felt like an eternity because so many things were happening in my mind at once. And with this feeling I was getting, there was the biggest sense of relief I had ever had in my life that I was free. In the biggest sense of cosmic irony I had ever experienced I was free because I realized I had no free will.
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<br>
At one point I had completely lost my fear of death because I realized it didn’t even exist. It felt like during that moment of my life that I was at one point on a circle, simultaneously the beginning and the end. It was these realizations and infinitely more just constantly being fed to me through just pure feeling. It was all of that overly existential stuff and probably way more in my head and I was completely obsessed with trying to communicate it all to my sister and her roommates even though it was almost impossible. I was also so mentally trapped in the feeling of oneness with everything, that I kept assuming that my sister and anyone else could understand exactly what I was feeling and talking about, even though that wasn’t the case.
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<br>
I eventually started to get anxious as hell and I was constantly thinking about when things would inevitably get worse because I knew that something really bad would eventually have to happen to offset how good I was feeling. There were bad things in the moment to keep me grounded as well, I was incredibly hot and sweaty and I had an overwhelming urge to grind my teeth. I got anxious enough that I desperately wanted the experience to end, and I was told by my sister’s husband that milk would kill my trip. While chugging milk obviously didn’t kill my trip, it did ease my anxiety a bit. I had a constant unquenchable drymouth throughout the experience and drinking water was not fun because it felt incredibly weird, but I still had to constantly do it. With all of that water came a lot of urinating, and peeing felt difficult to the point where every time I had to pee I felt like I was doing it forever.
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<br>
The lowest point during the analytical part of my trip was, I had convinced myself I was having a heart attack and I experienced an unexplainable flood of negative energy that felt so horrible. In the moment I was so sure that I was about to experience something more painful and horrible than I could ever imagine. I was lucky that I was talking to my sister while this was happening in my mind, because all it took to snap myself out of it was to say to my sister “Tell me I’m not having a bad trip” and when she said I wasn’t having a bad trip, instantly everything bad melted away.
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<br>
One of my biggest psychological fantasies is not being in control. I enjoyed the thought of it a little too much. Of course the big theme of my greatest trip so far would be me not being in control. At one point during the trip my sister’s roommates asked me how I was feeling and I straight up told them that I felt like I could do anything that they wanted me to. I am extremely thankful that I was around the right people during this trip <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text"> I am extremely thankful that I was around the right people during this trip</div></div> because I really was so far gone at one point that I could’ve done something awful or disgusting or illegal just because somebody told me to. My rational sense of self went almost completely out the window during this part of the trip. You could’ve stuck me into a movie where somebody got mind controlled or put under some kind of hypnotic spell and I would’ve fit right in. I can imagine that all of this was happening because my mind was so fatigued at this point from all of the analytical obsessive thinking and decided a back seat as my ego was slowly melting away.
<br>
<br>
My sister jumped in and realized I was in a trance and thankfully the only thing she told me to do was follow her outside. It was too dark for me to see any visuals, I heavily focused on the grass and it didn’t look any different than normal. We quickly went back inside and while I was stuck in this trance, my sister’s roommates and her husband did mess with me a little bit. Multiple times I was forced to get things for them from the kitchen, it felt really good but at the cost of me walking in a very strange way. Walking felt difficult and slow and alien, and I had to get up and walk quite a few times. It was a pretty funny joke, then again so is existence.
<br>
<br>
They actually offered me some food and I didn’t want any. I found that really strange, because I was fat during this trip, I was 240 pounds but I could down a large pizza by myself sober, but all of a sudden I started food. I just had this unexplainable strong aversion to food that was probably due to my sister, who didn’t eat much, feeding me her ideas about food. I did eventually forget about all of that and eat one thing because my sister’s husband handed me a grape popsicle, and I had a similar feeling that I had during my first weed experience where the sweetness of things was enhanced but it felt infinitely more potent than it did on weed.
<br>
<br>
I really enjoyed talking throughout the night. I was literally addicted to other people’s ideas and opinions. Ideas that I would’ve completely disregarded sober were completely profound, even bad ones. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">Ideas that I would’ve completely disregarded sober were completely profound, even bad ones.</div></div> I eventually deconstructed my own heavy denial of being bisexual from religious conditioning and finally accepted it. It was a very big moment for me, without acid I would’ve probably stayed in denial assuming I was straight for a long time if not forever.
<br>
<br>
Since I was annoying talkative throughout most of this trip, eventually my sister and her roommates got tired of listening to me talk and put on Finding Dory. As suggestible as I still was during this part of the trip, the one order I could not follow was when I was told to be quiet. I think it had something to do with time because I kept forgetting I was told to shut up or time just kind of immediately skipped over and I started talking again. After all it’s impossible to shut up forever anyway. I started getting really delusional and thinking that different parts of Finding Dory had some kind of hidden existential meaning. Every single thing I saw, heard and felt just seemed like some sort of divine message. And there was absolutely no way to rationalize my way into thinking that something didn’t actually mean anything because it felt like everything meant everything, and I kept trying to follow a thread of thoughts to find a certain answer but really it just went on forever. Everything was infinite and I couldn’t find any answers because every answer took the form of another question.
<br>
<br>
Towards the latter half of my trip I just ended up watching my sister’s roommates play Overwatch and watching family guy. My last thought thread was me realizing that everything only exists for entertainment purposes and I felt at ease realizing that nothing I did mattered and I could sit at home after this was over and spend the rest of my life in front of a television and I wouldn’t have to worry about the consequences. Obviously this is a very bad way to look at life and thankfully this was around the time where the analytical part of my trip was dying down and I started heavily focusing on the intense vibrant colors of Overwatch as my sister’s roommates were playing it.
<br>
<br>
I was still high at 5 a.m and everybody was asleep at that point so I biked home. Somehow I didn’t fall and I didn’t have any balance issues despite still being very high. The visuals during the sunrise as I was riding home were phenomenal, there weren’t any fractals at this point but the color of the sunrise was massively enhanced and indescribably beautiful. I made it home. I got paranoid about the apocalypse and paced around my apartment forever. I eventually ended up making a bowl of cereal and it felt like the cereal was infinite. It didn’t really taste that different other than it was a little bit sweeter. And, then I went to bed. I’ve read that it’s hard to sleep on acid but I guess since I was already 10+ hours into my trip, it made it a little bit easier to go to sleep.
<br>
<br>
I woke up at 1:45 in the afternoon completely sober. And I felt a little happier overall that week, a little bit less anxious but slowly things just went back to normal.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2017</td><td width="90">ExpID: 112814</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 20</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Apr 14, 2019</td><td>Views: 2,094</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=112814&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=112814&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Glowing Experiences (4), First Times (2)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">66 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
The Oddest Most Beautiful LSD Trip of My Life
<br>
<br>
Last night I had one of the weirder experiences of my life, and I have had a few. I have to share this. It was a complete mindfuck, a profound teaching, and a case of a very special connection arising. It may not be very significant to anyone but me, but I need to write this out. If you reach the end of this: thank you.
<br>
<br>
I thought it was this girl, whom I had been with for about a month, writing me, when I replied: “Sure come over”. I realized fairly quickly that it was a common friend of me and my regular trip-buddy. I had not met her before, only talked to her on Facebook, though the three of us had been planning an ayahuasca ceremony, which had not materialized yet. She is in her late twenties I think.
<br>
<br>
Seeing as I had just received about 625 mcg of good acid in the mail, I thought “why not?”
<br>
<br>
She arrived at my place a couple of hours later and we spent a few hours talking, reading Hoffman and Grof, getting to know each other. We had a good connection, I felt, both being practicing Buddhists of two difference Tibetan lineages within the same school.
<br>
<br>
We had our first ayahuasca experiences about the same time a year back, and had experienced similar realizations. The chemistry was good, and after a few hours of preparation, making offerings, preparing fruit and drinks, and me laying out my previous experiences with LSD (she had only taken ayahuasca), we were ready.
<br>
<br>
We settled on my mattress on the floor and took the blotters. She is tiny, so I gave her about 300 mcg and I took 350 mcg.
<br>
<br>
The onset was beautiful, after about 20 minutes we started having visuals. Colors became intense and the music materialized as beautiful patters, stairway-like constructions in mid-air, fractals and I remember everything vibrating around me.
<br>
<br>
I laid down, looking at the ceiling, enjoying her presence and at some point, like I have experienced before on LSD, became moved by love and affection for all the people I love or have loved, the countless beings that have crossed my path in this life.
<br>
<br>
My tears started flowing freely. My emotional response felt completely pure and beautiful. I perceived it as an amalgamation of positive and negative baggage, all dissolving and flowing out of my, deeply purifying, completely honest. As I have experienced before with the drug, my tears didn’t sting or burn at all.
<br>
<br>
Our connection felt profound, and my heart opened in an amazing way. She took my hand, and I looked in her eyes, filled with compassion and care for my state, my emotions clearly affecting her. We were like to aliens, making a temporary landing in this most significant corner of the vastness of all of existence. It felt as though the warmly lit, glowing confines of my living room was the only place in existence.
<br>
<br>
We hugged and held hands, she leaned on me and I do not remember even feeling as much care or affection without attachment or words for anyone. It was beyond sexual attraction, beyond concepts, and completely free somehow.
<br>
<br>
When I finished my crying, I felt completely purified, and it was her turn. She broke down in much the same way. She put her head on my chest and I do not remember ever having this kind of care and love for another being. I held her, gently caressing her forehead, stroking her hair as she cried. We both felt this amazing open state of a deep connection without concepts. What felt like a complete integration of our beings, much deeper than anything I have experienced through sex or anything else.
<br>
<br>
We went to my kitchen to look at the trippy wallpaper, the physical <!-- phentylamine--> effects were starting to wane and the trip became deeper. She sat on the couch, crying again and started saying: “I love… I love Aaron… I love him so much.”
<br>
<br>
I asked, “Who is Aaron?” and she wouldn’t tell me. This is where things started taking an unexpected turn.
<br>
<br>
She was in a state of deep affect, crying and calling out his name. I tried calming her, and she started telling me: “You’re him, it’s you, I know it's you, I can see it in your eyes. It’s the heart, can’t you feel it? Can’t you remember?”
<br>
<br>
She got agitated and started walking around. I comforted her, asking her to breathe and relax, but she started crying and screaming his name. I left her alone for a bit, hoping the change of scenery would help, but from the kitchen I could hear her stumbling about and calling out his name.
<br>
<br>
I waited for about ten minutes before returning, and at this point, she had regressed to the state of a young, defiant girl, trashing about, messing up my plants.
<br>
<br>
It got worse and worse, she was waking up my neighbors, and Airbnb guests in the next room and I was worried she would harm herself.
<br>
<br>
I sat her down and helped her relax and breathe, but it did not really work. I tried giving her a tiny amount of a sedative to break the loop, but she wouldn’t drink it. Tripping hard myself, I switched my phone off flight-mode and was about to call our common friend for advice when the girl I had been seeing called and I accidentally picked up.
<br>
<br>
She asked if she could come over, but heard her calling out in the background, and said “oh I guess not” before she hung up. After that I couldn’t reach her.
<br>
<br>
I tried different things, but she kept insisting I was Aaron. She started throwing herself at me, hugging me at first, putting her head on my chest, telling me she knew it was me: “Don’t you remember?”
<br>
<br>
All the while, I still felt this amazing connection with her, this tiny, beautiful being lost and in need of comfort, but I did not understand who the hell Aaron was or why she thought I was him.
<br>
<br>
She told me how she recognized my scent, how she knew it was me, that she loved me, that is was all in the heart, in my eyes. I have intense eyes, especially on LSD: Big, blue, bright and shiny it seemed. Hers were tiny and dark, almost black, and we lost ourselves again and again.
<br>
<br>
I kept trying to calm her, but it didn’t help. She started rubbing up against me before she laid down and exposed her gender, playing with herself in front of me, begging for my attention and affection. I was not unaffected, but I was convinced it had nothing to do with me, even though the feeling of our initial connection was so strong.
<br>
<br>
I held her and gently stroked her back, feeling larger than I had ever felt before, that she needed me somehow. I felt immense love and care for her, wanting to protect her in the most universal sense I can imagine.
<br>
<br>
I finally got her to lay down and I laid next to her, hugging her. While we were there, I had the realization, that it had been me, she was talking about all along, but she had been too afraid to say it outright, too overwhelmed by this deep and spontaneous connection we had.
<br>
<br>
I don’t know how long it went on, but in my afflicted mind, a consistent narrative, making sense of her behavior arose. I caressed her gently, telling her: “I’m so sorry I messed up your trip because I’m so slow. I should’ve known all along. I felt it too.” I started contemplating the idea, though I felt overwhelmed at the prospect of acknowledging the depth and implications of what felt like the deepest love I had ever experienced.
<br>
<br>
She wrapped her tiny legs around me, rubbing herself against me, my hand on her tummy, gently feeling her while she was pushing herself against me, clearly wanting me to touch her in the most intimate of ways.
<br>
<br>
I never felt this close with anyone, I was completely taken over. We kissed, but I was still holding back, trying to acclimatize to the reality of the situation, our whole coming existence together playing itself out in images in my head, while I contemplated how I would go about this, knowing we were completely right for each other in every way.
<br>
<br>
I was so happy. It felt like coming home. I had finally understood how I had not allowed myself to give myself fully to anyone before, but I knew I would be able to now.
<br>
<br>
I told her: “You know I can’t have sex with you in this state, it would be rape almost.” and she just giggled and tucked herself closer against me. I caressed her as I kissed her neck and chest softly, and it was as though she almost orgasmed from that alone.
<br>
<br>
I felt like I was finally home, as though I had been reunited with a long lost friend, lover, someone who was a completely inseparable part of me. How could I have been so blind for so long, that I almost took her to the emergency room to get her a shot of something to put her to sleep?
<br>
<br>
I almost told her I loved her and had always loved her, but I kept it inside, still wary about the situation.
<br>
<br>
As we laid there, completely a part of each other, I thought about how I would tell this other girl, how I would end that in a proper way.
<br>
<br>
She was so into me, she loved me so much, I felt, and she had stopped calling me Aaron finally. I knew I was home, but I was still rejecting her on some level.
<br>
<br>
We stood by the window, her close against me as I tried to acclimatize to the newly found connection, feelings, and its implications when she started coming to, probably from the 400 mgs of niacin I had finally gotten her to take about an hour earlier.
<br>
<br>
I was so in love, and I was so taken by her affection for me. I told her: “I think I have to be not-on-LSD before I know exactly how I feel about this" <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">“I think I have to be not-on-LSD before I know exactly how I feel about this"</div></div>, trying not to hurt her feelings, as I explained to her how deep a connection I felt we had, though I might not be able to reciprocate at this very moment.
<br>
<br>
Her state of projecting her love for her boyfriend onto me lasted for at least three hours.
<br>
<br>
Then she told me: “Aaron’s my boyfriend. I love him.” And my illusion collapsed completely. On a superficial level I was unaffected, but I felt my hear caving in. All the hopes and dreams that had just vividly manifested in my mind shattered in that familiar pattern of realizing that things, people, and emotions are not always what they seem.
<br>
<br>
I sat with her and talked, though she was still out of herself, and I was not quite sure if she was kidding, we hugged and felt each other just as close as before.
<br>
<br>
I had to ask her: “You actually have a boyfriend named Aaron?” And she told me, that she did, in fact.
<br>
<br>
She could not remember what had happened, and as I laid out the course of events she was in disbelief. Whenever I looked in her eyes, whenever I moved in or gestured, she would recognize it as just the way someone she knew and loved did, she would fall back into our connection, completely confused.
<br>
<br>
Her state gradually changed, and I realized how I had constructed layers upon layers of narratives, based on her reactions, and probably on my own feelings of loneliness and longing for a true connection.
<br>
<br>
We both still felt this amazing connection and she seemed as confused as me by this point. We hugged and talked and I broke down again, realizing it was all just in my head, while the basic, unadulterated feeling of love still remained.
<br>
<br>
I felt as though I received a profound teaching on my own tendency to idealize women, of the dynamics that have caused me harm in my previous existence up to this point.
<br>
<br>
We talked some more, viewing the situation and possible causes from different viewpoints and models of explanation. We went for a walk, and I told her how she had probably just destroyed my relationship with that other girl.
<br>
<br>
When we returned back home, I went to sleep on the couch with her on the floor next to me. I wanted nothing more in this world than to hold her and make her feel safe and loved, but I relented and thought of the consequences for her, her Aaron. My own insecurity returned at full strength.
<br>
<br>
When we woke up, we spend hours talking and turning the events of the trip. It felt as though I had lost the most significant relationship I had experienced, like a long lost friend and soul mate had appeared only to break my heart again, and we both cried again and again. She was so mild and compassionate; I did not know what to make of it.
<br>
<br>
It was as though I had wasted the opportunity: If only I could have given myself completely, not holding back, maybe it would have been different.
<br>
<br>
Having taken vows to never harm another human being, I could not do that, and though I felt closer with her in the midst of the experience, than I ever had with anyone else, I realized how circumstance prohibited taking it any further; how I had to realize that our connection meant that I had to hold her interest as high as my own, as well as that of her boyfriend, who has every bit as much right as me to be happy.
<br>
<br>
I walked her to the bus and she went on her way back home in the middle of the afternoon.
<br>
<br>
I wrote back and forth with my girl, explaining the situation to her, but having had this profound connection with another, it felt contrived and dishonest. I do not know where to go with her. I do not feel confident I will ever again experience this kind of connection with any other human. It was as though we had known each other forever.
<br>
<br>
When I told my girl about Aaron, she asked: “Oh Aaron <surname>?”
<br>
<br>
I didn’t know, but I just found out. My girl knows her boyfriend very well, they are close friends.
<br>
<br>
I am confused. It feels like I imagine the trauma of birth would feel if I could remember it; as though my umbilical cord has been cut using the rustiest of scissors.
<br>
<br>
I am choosing to make this a lesson in my mind's propensity for constructing stories and making a fool of myself, but I cannot let go of the feeling, that if I had only been able to surrender completely, it would have been different, yet I do not think I would be better for her, and I cannot even consider the idea of taking her away from someone else, knowing her qualities and having experienced exactly that myself. I would not wish that upon anyone.
<br>
<br>
But here I am: heart broken, yet completely content, in excruciating pain, yet grateful. It is the most conflicting experience I have ever had, and I am still trying to integrate it.
<br>
<br>
I do not know what to make of this. <!-- What do you think? Help.-->
<br>
<br>
I want to reduce it to an illusion in my head, but she told me how she felt that connection too, and I know she is being honest.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2012</td><td width="90">ExpID: 104044</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 34</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Aug 14, 2019</td><td>Views: 2,318</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=104044&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=104044&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Sex Discussion (14), Relationships (44), Glowing Experiences (4), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</surname></div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.5 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/lorazepam/">Pharms - Lorazepam</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.67 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.33 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 7:54</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.5 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/lorazepam/">Pharms - Lorazepam</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(pill / tablet)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">175 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
...In a nutshell...
<br>
<br>
My first LSD experience was this last Sunday, Aug 9 2015, and it went poorly. By far the biggest driver of this was seven hours straight of nausea / body load. It was much the same physical sensation as nausea would be in the stomach, except it was coming from every part of my body from the scalp to the toes, all at once, as though every single cell of me needed to throw up. Far too late into the experience, I discovered that lorazepam was an almost magical silver bullet that rescued what remained of the trip.
<br>
<br>
...Some history...
<br>
<br>
A friend, R, recently tried LSD and had a great time. My best friend B then expressed interest, since R had some left over. I was very uncomfortable with this - partly because I didn't entirely trust B to treat it with more respect than the likes of pot or beer, and partly because, well... he's my ex and I have abandonment issues about him going off on adventures without me, though I try not to let it show.
<br>
<br>
So I did a little reading up on LSD. It did sound very interesting, so between that and the personal issues, I chose to change my mind about illegal drugs and give it a try. (I've never even tried pot... cigarettes and booze are enough vices for me, I don't want any more.) I do have a diagnosed anxiety disorder that's usually under control, and also a history of turning out to be unusually sensitive to various medications. So I knew these were risks. But I decided: screw that, grow a pair and do it, it's not like I'm getting any younger.
<br>
<br>
...Set and setting...
<br>
<br>
R agreed to sit for me and B for our first acid experience, in R's apartment. We brought a few trip toys and our laptops, plus folding chairs, blankets and pillows, and an airbed, because R's apartment has almost no furniture. R would control the music unless there was something specific one of us wanted to hear, and the plan was for him to remain sober so that we'd be comfortable with the circumstances.
<br>
<br>
I didn't want to be hung over for the trip so I didn't drink the night before, but I had drank the five nights before that (for social reasons), which is way more than usual. But then I couldn't sleep and got only three hours, so I was not at my best.
<br>
<br>
This was for recreation, not spiritual exploration. To reduce likelihood of anxiety I skipped my ritalin that day (I have ADHD) since it can make me jumpy <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">To reduce likelihood of anxiety I skipped my ritalin that day (I have ADHD) since it can make me jumpy</div></div>, and instead took 0.5mg of lorazepam. Result: very little nervousness, not worried about anything, looking forward to an interesting experience, relaxed and anticipating some fun. So far so good. I gave it the green light.
<br>
<br>
...Coming up...
<br>
<br>
At 3:00 B took one hit and I took 2/3 of one. <!-- (Wimpy, but see above about drug sensitivity, then read down.) The hits were supposed to be roughly 100ug.-->
<br>
<br>
By 4, B was reporting visuals, grinning like a fool, and saying 'whoa' randomly. Me: nothing. My legs felt slightly rubbery when I stood up and that was it. I started to worry I was going to miss the fun since it should have started already, and took the other 1/3 hit that I hadn't before.
<br>
<br>
By 4:30 my legs were very rubbery/shaky and I was a little nauseated, but still no other noticeable effects.
<br>
<br>
At about 5 I was laying on the airbed, nauseated and waiting around glumly for something more to show up, when something I said was so stupid that I cracked up. I began rapidly cycling between laughing and crying. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I began rapidly cycling between laughing and crying.</div></div> Extreme emotional dysregulation: the moments of hilarity were excruciatingly intense and I'd sob and crumple up from the pain of them, only to shriek in laughter at something else a moment later.
<br>
<br>
A few mild visual hallucinations finally started; R prompted me to look at the wood grain in his floor, and it was all little streams of flowing liquid! But no bright colors. No geometric patterns. (These never did arrive.) There were some tactile hallucinations though, like feeling as though the floor were cupping and gripping my body.
<br>
<br>
Around 5:30, with R as our shepherd, we went out to a little park across the street where there weren't too many people. Still no colors, lights, or visual patterns. I still kept wanting to puke up everything I'd ever eaten. But at least the trees and the grass and even the parking lot gravel were all fascinating to look at - they looked no different from normal, but I was paying full attention and seeing all their details as though for the first time.
<br>
<br>
...Cognitive impairment...
<br>
<br>
The laughing-crying cycle had settled down and no more types of experiences were showing up, so we all (wrongly) thought I had peaked. But somewhere along the way I lost my ability to think. Concepts were hard to hold in mind. Speech was difficult. All memory was fuzzy and distant. The few thoughts that did occur to me were rudimentary and slow to take shape. At one point R asked me to explain why grass bent in the breeze, perhaps expecting some insightful comment, but I just sat there struggling to understand and explain the fact that grass is not rigid. Another time I swung my eyes around trying to find R and B and grew agitated that I couldn't see them, until I finally remembered that I could change the direction I faced by moving my head.
<br>
<br>
To be clear, I do not mean that I THOUGHT I had become dumb. I was beyond even noticing it. But the memories of how things were to me still got recorded and I can look back at them.
<br>
<br>
I was still nauseated. I began feeling very exposed and unsafe - that the world beyond our little lawn in the park was threatening and might intrude at any time. R kept saying he wished he could trip too, but he wouldn't if I'd be uncomfortable with it. I had long since lost lost my judgement of anything beyond the present moment, and said I was fine with that. So he took a couple hits.
<br>
<br>
...Four hours of hell...
<br>
<br>
We went back to the apartment around 7:30. Out in the park the evening had been pleasant, and despite the nausea I was carefully clinging to an adventurous frame of mind, so my mood was largely alright. Back inside, it was not alright.
<br>
<br>
Most of the next four hours I can no longer recall. Some bits and pieces that still come back:
<br>
<br>
- endless complaining about the endless nausea
<br>
- crying on B's knee while fearing I was ruining his trip by being such a big baby
<br>
- major spatial distortions, such as the room seemingly squashed flat at one end and wide open at the other, or hallway walls trying to squeeze in on me (mostly more funny than bothersome)
<br>
- intermittent terror that there was nobody sane to look out for us
<br>
- talking to another friend on IRC, N, who (I think) advised me to stop fighting the experience and try to accept it; this helped for a little while, until I forgot all about it
<br>
- R's choice of music being the wrong mood for me and my being too feeble-minded to convey or really even understand how much a problem it was
<br>
<br>
- uncertainty what was real; no experience of time passing; no longer understanding that I had ingested a drug
<br>
- believing I had been nauseated in R's apartment for my entire life thus far and that I was stuck that way forever
<br>
- one time, deciding to jump off the balcony and die in order to make it end... I was about to get up and do it, but something made me state my intention, and R and B stopped me (I don't remember how)
<br>
- their telling me the trip would end on its own, but I didn't believe them
<br>
- sometimes remembering that N existed and I wanted to talk to him, though moving enough to get to the computer was too difficult; B kept saying 'but I'm here, so talk to me instead'
<br>
- continual difficulty breathing, and fear that I was a victim of brain damage due to hypoxia
<br>
- taking refuge from R's music on the balcony and curling up in blankets there on the airbed (B helped me pull it out there), taking in the night sky and the reassuringly normal-sounding restaurant hubbub below, though B stuck around me like glue while I out there. I must have given him a fright with the suicide thing, though by this time I myself had forgotten about it.
<br>
<br>
...Rescue and comedown...
<br>
<br>
By 11 PM time and thought were returning, and I can remember the remainder of the evening. At 10:54 (I had asked the time) it finally occurred to me that I'd brought my lorazepam along in case anyone had anxiety problems while tripping and I took half a milligram. By 11:30 the nausea vanished and I was dramatically calmer and more comfortable.
<br>
<br>
Around midnight we walked up to the grocery store and bought food and I did fine. I successfully cooked the frozen pizza we'd bought. I kept trying to come up with insightful thoughts (under the belief that acid is supposed to make you have them), but nothing I could come up with was actually worth remembering. To give you an idea: one of them was a long, painfully-thought-out line of reasoning that led up to the mind-blowing conclusion that blue and green were the team colors of the Seattle Seahawks.
<br>
<br>
But this last phase of the trip was far more agreeable than the previous ones. I was still disappointed about the lack of color stuff - I'm always a sucker for pretty colors - but things took on a feel I don't know what to call beyond psychedelic, or dare I say, groovy. Juicy, somehow. People and spoken words took on shapes and curvy lines, not visually, but as strong mental associations. A certain drum rhythm kept going and going in my head throughout and I kept wanting to dance to it.
<br>
<br>
By 5 in the morning B had come down enough to safely drive, so we went home and went to bed.
<br>
<br>
...Hangover...
<br>
<br>
I didn't sleep well: about four hours of restless, dreamless sleep. I woke up around noon feeling awful. I felt like I was still tripping a little, and I could not think or remember much.
<br>
<br>
I spent most of the day in a profound brain fog. At one point I picked up a receipt on my desk and stared at the numbers, and I knew there was a relationship between them, but the nature of it (addition) just would not come to me. This was extremely disturbing. I knew my IQ should have been higher than THAT. It was also very hard to remember much anything. The trip and my life before it was all difficult to bring up in mind. I spent the afternoon with my mind in idle, my jaw hanging slack, and my eyes staring off into space. What thoughts I did have were mostly cloudy fears that I had somehow indeed suffered brain damage, either by hypoxia or else from the LSD.
<br>
<br>
By evening it was a little better, but that night I slept nine hours straight (six is more usual) and woke up the next morning almost totally back to normal. I can only assume the combined effects of the rough trip with sleep deprivation were simply too much for my brain.
<br>
<br>
...Conclusions...
<br>
<br>
Would I try LSD again? Actually, yes. Even though much of the experience was horrific, enough parts of it weren't that I can see what it should have been like. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">Even though much of the experience was horrific, enough parts of it weren't that I can see what it should have been like.</div></div> So now that I can see in hindsight what mistakes not to repeat, I want a do-over.
<br>
<br>
And if anyone is wondering: I have no reason to believe it was not real LSD or otherwise 'bad' acid. R and B's doses were from the same blotter paper as mine, cut by R shortly before we took it - and both of them had typical acid experiences with full visuals, typical onset and comedown times, and none of the nausea or cognition problems that I had.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2015</td><td width="90">ExpID: 106837</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 38</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Aug 15, 2019</td><td>Views: 2,210</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=106837&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=106837&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Difficult Experiences (5), First Times (2), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 2:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.5 tablets</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/2cb/">2C-B</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">160 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I'll start this off with a little background information... My name is Kiki, I'm 24, 5'2' and about 15 pounds over my ideal weight. I started doing drugs when I was 16, which for the first 2 years was just pot and ecstasy. Slowly but surely I advanced and now have coke, crack, speed, OxyContin, hydro morph contin, Valium, MDMA, ketamine, MDA, LSD, mushrooms, dilaudid, honey oil, zapp'r, and most recently, 2c-b under my belt.
<br>
<br>
The first hallucinogen that I ever tried is mushrooms, and I immediately fell in love. I love the giggles, laughing until I'm tearing up and my cheeks hurt, the vivid colours, the movement and the happy mindset. I stuck to mushrooms as my go-to hallucinogen, until I went to a festival called Astral Harvest. Two years ago I was introduced to LSD. What I experienced, I never expected! After hearing about people being fried from it, I was really scared to ever try it. But, on July 3, 2012 I decided to take the plunge, and acid became my new favorite hallucinogen. At the time of my 2c-b trip, I had taken acid 4 or 5 times. Not one of those experiences could have even slightly prepared me for what was going to happen...
<br>
<br>
The Trip
<br>
On July 3, 2014 my friend CMan and I headed an hour north of our hometown to attend our festival of the year, Astral Harvest. We got there, set up our tent and went on our way to go find our friends that we were meeting there. It was 8:00 at this time, and dusk was setting in. We got half way down the trail toward the main stage and found our friends. Esmeralda, J, and Lia continued down the way.
<br>
<br>
J and Lia had already consumed some MDMA and mushrooms, so Esmeralda, CMan and I started out on our search for something. We ended up taking some MDMA and a tab of acid each. Even though I had been looking forward to the festival and was happy about who I was with, I wasn't yet in party mode. The music was playing, and it sounded great, but nothing made me want to dance. I felt sluggish and somewhat uninterested. The acid had very little effect on me, no movement, no colors, and no real euphoria. I went to CMan and told him that I needed something more to kick up what I had already taken. Maybe another hit of acid. CMan is one of those people who just knows who to ask to get drugs at these festivals... I'm a little more shy.
<br>
<br>
By this time, the acid had taken a slight effect and had for about an hour. When CMan came back I asked him what he had gotten ahold of. He said that he got more MDMA and a substance that I had never heard of called 2c-b. He explained to me that it would definitely kick up my high, that it was a really strong drug and extremely dose sensitive. I said I don't care, I want some. He replied that I should wait another hour and if I still feel like I want to take it then he will give it to me. So I agreed.
<br>
<br>
I waited an hour and still hadn't gotten anything major from the acid (visually or mentally), so I told CMan I was ready to take the 2c-b. I was so excited to see what the difference was! So, he pulled out the pressed pill, broke it in half and gave me half, while splitting the other half between himself and Esmeralda. At this time, we were at the main stage, we hung out there a little bit and then all agreed that we should head over to our favorite stage, Wakah Chan. On our way there, we stopped at a fire pit. At this point I started to feel the effects...
<br>
<br>
I became ecstatic, excited, giddy and silly. I had a fantastic body high, it felt almost as though I could feel the wind brushing against me, but it didn't feel like wind, it was more like a warm fur blanket brushing against my skin. And the visuals! Oh my God! I find with mushrooms and acid, I see many patterns all over everything. The sky, anything that's one tone. But with the 2c-b, the effects were different. The skies sparkled in the sky, but there was an actual twinkle, they had increased in size and they were dancing around miraculously. My dosage of 2c-b was a success! I felt so light an airy. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">My dosage of 2c-b was a success! I felt so light an airy.</div></div> I was walking around stumbling a little bit, not because I was that messed up, but because that's what I do when I do hallucinogens. So, we continued on our way to Wakah Chan. The walk there was about 8 minutes.
<br>
<br>
From Cool to Confusing
<br>
At Wakah Chan there is a little tent area that they have with couches, rugs and pillows for people to sit, chill out and relax. So, me and my little crew went over there to sit down and smoke a bowl of weed. J took the first hit. Lia took the second hit. I was #3 and as I inhaled, CMan startled me with, 'You shouldn't smoke weed with 2c-b, it can really kick it up!' With that I exhaled and panicked a little bit. Almost immediately I felt the effects of the pot.
<br>
<br>
Previous to smoking the pot, I had vibrant colors, a small amount of tracers, and everything was extreme high definition. I was sitting happily joking around with my friends. Almost immediately the mood changed. I started to become overwhelmed with the visuals. They went from light, bright colors to metallic, dark colors. I felt confused and nervous. It seemed like everything was too much to take in. It began to feel like the world was upside down. I tried my best to shrug it off and have a good time. I decided to try dance a little while sitting down, but it wasn't as comforting and fun as I had expected it to be.
<br>
<br>
While I was sitting in the circle on the ground with my friends a guy in a pink panther suit with a red glowing box asked me if I wanted to touch it. I said yes and proceeded to do so. A few minutes later I started tripping harder. All of the images around me started to become dark. I realized that I was no longer where I was supposed to be, or had been...
<br>
<br>
I was somewhere eerily familiar and was taken there in a strange way. The best way that I can describe it is windshield wipers. It was like one wiper came from the left hand side and wiped a completely new setting in front of me. I was still in a circle with CMan, J, Lia and Esmeralda but everything else was different. The background of where we were was red and black, as through we were in a cave lit up by red lights and fire. I was in Hell. I was sitting cross-legged and I was unable to move. I could turn my head but my legs and arms were completely immobile. CMan was leaning on my shoulder and he couldn't move either. My face was blank and I was confused. Esmeralda looked at me and said, 'Do we finally look familiar?'
<br>
'Yes.'
<br>
'Do you know from where?'
<br>
'No...'
<br>
<br>
Now, at this point I don't remember if Esmeralda explained to me where I had known them from before or if I just interpreted it and figured it out on my own. I had originally seen this scene on a salvia trip I had gone on. It was these 4 people and me in a room, stuck there for eternity. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I had originally seen this scene on a salvia trip I had gone on. It was these 4 people and me in a room, stuck there for eternity.</div></div>
<br>
'Do you remember the warning?'
<br>
'Oh, fuck! No..! Please!'
<br>
'Sorry honey, that's the way it is. You were told what was going to happen. Congratulations, you've officially tripped.'
<br>
<br>
Now, when she told me that I officially tripped I though two things, the first was that I had TRIPPED and was going to be this high forever. The other thing I thought was that I had taken a bad pill and died.
<br>
<br>
So, I got into this weird loop where J, Lia, and Esmeralda looked my way, sadly, and I turned toward CMan and he said, 'I love you, Kiki.' 'I love you too, CMan.'
<br>
This loop went on for about ten minutes. Just basically re-realizing what happened to me and looking toward my friends for some support.
<br>
<br>
After ten minutes of this, I kinda snapped myself out of it, had a couple sips of water and started to rock my body back and forth since I couldn't move anything else. It seemed like I was beginning to snap out of my panicked mood, and was going to have a nice, happy trip after all! God, was I ever wrong...
<br>
<br>
From Mediocre to Malevolent
<br>
As I did my rocking 'dance' I looked over at CMan who was looking up to me and smiling. I felt better, I felt lighter and I could move! So, I switched positions and stretched out my legs. I could talk again too! I explained to my friends what was going on in my conversations, where they said the only thing that was actually said was the 'I love you's' between CMan and I. Whatever, at least things were getting better. I guess while I was in my state, a couple people in the crowd had asked about me and how I was doing. Suddenly beside me was a girl crouched down beside me, 'What's she on?' She asked. CMan answered her, '2c-b'
<br>
CMan was attached to my arm again. I felt panicked. He went to nibble on my shoulder. It made my shoulder hurt. He had bitten my shoulder and ripped off a big chunk of flesh. I looked over at the girl who was SWIM and someone I had never met. When my eyes reached her face I was extremely terrified. She had red, evil eyes and blood pouring down her face. I looked toward my crew, they too had blood pouring down their face. I looked down at CMan, whom I know the best out of the group. He had devil horns but I could still differentiate the fact that he was my friend, he wasn't evil and that he looked that way because I was on drugs.
<br>
<br>
In a panicked voice, I told CMan to sit up so that he wasn't leaning against me and he did so. I looked at him, weaves my fingers between his and held his hand as tight as I could, 'It's bad,' I said, 'we have to go.'
<br>
<br>
Hand in hand we began walking with the other three behind us. I needed to be away from the big crowd. As we walked, everyone that came toward us had blood pouring down their face. I looked up at CMan, whom was originally wearing a blue onesie which was now a black and white pinstripe suit with a red tie, devil horns and blood on his face. Esmeralda was now wearing a bright red dress, had fangs, a witch nose and blood also pouring down her face. I hugged CMan closer. He asked if I was okay. I couldn't speak. I shook my head, no, to him. After breathing and attempting to understand my thoughts, I explained to CMan what I was seeing and what was going on. How terrified I was. He told me to just hold his hand tight, and close my eyes. He would be my guide. We walked for about ten minutes where we stopped at some ports potties to pee. CMan said that he needed to use the washroom. I really didn't want him to, but still proceeded to let go of his hand and let him take care of business.
<br>
<br>
At this time, I got freaked out by something, grabbed Lia's hand and took off, that's what happened in real life. In my head it was much, much different. The girl who crouched down beside me came up to me and took me by the hand as a guide and started explaining things to me...
<br>
<br>
'Do you understand what you did? You know that your friends don't even notice that you're gone?' She waved her hand across the scene as if to show me everything, 'this happens all the time. You just wanted to have fun? And now look at you. You're just another dead girl at a party. And where are your friends? They're not even with you, they don't even notice that you're gone. Are those really the people that you want to be calling your friends?'
<br>
<br>
I contemplated what she was saying... I was dead. That was where I had been when I was sitting down in the circle. My own personal Hell. Unable to move and just sitting there. The crouching girl took me on a tour, and finally lead me over to... Somewhere. It was the gates to Hell. 'You don't have long, make sure you're prepared. You know what you have to do.'
<br>
I gulped back my fears, and tried my best to throw caution to the wind.
<br>
CMan came up to me and grabbed my hand, 'Kiki, is it starting to look familiar?'
<br>
'Yes,' I replied, ' and I'm fucking ready. But, if I'mma do this, I'm not going to be afraid. I'm gonna fuckin' do it like a fuckin' gangsta. I'm gonna enjoy this. I want to be reminded how much it hurts.'
<br>
<br>
With that, I walked away doing a gangster strut. I walked up to my path to Hell. On my path was everyone I had ever done wrong, anyone I had had a falling out with. Basically anyone whom I had been in a negative situation with. They were all standing in a row beside where I needed to walk. I didn't look at them, I raised my head high, and strutted past them. As I did so, they spat on me. The sky was dark, I was alone but I felt strong and fearless. The path I was walking was made of a flesh-like substance. It was almost as though every time my foot was pressed against the ground, my foot was graphed to the ground, so each step that I took ripped the flesh off the bottom of my foot. It was extremely painful, to say the least. But I kept going. At the end of the path, there was a staircase. But, CMan, J, Esmeralda and Lia were part of the staircase, and we had to be broken down, and painfully ripped apart. How this part looked is too hard to explain. I still don't fully understand what everything was in this scene or how it worked together. However, not long after I seen what I was in the end.
<br>
<br>
I was taken back to where my drug-induced death had happened and looked down on myself. I had to look down on my body and watch myself deteriorate. Everything looked and smelled like rotting flesh. I watched this happen until all that was left of me was a chunk of my tongue rotting. And that flesh it what I was to be for eternity. That Chinese torture thing, where they drip water on your forehead until there is a hole in your skull? That's what was going to happen to my tongue.
<br>
<br>
Once that was done, I was with CMan again and we were walking. He asked me if things were starting to look familiar again... <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I was with CMan again and we were walking. He asked me if things were starting to look familiar again...</div></div> The trip was about to go on repeat! At this point in real life we headed to a tent and passed out. I sat up for a bit tripping out on a picture. Confused and not quite sure if I was dead or alive eventually I passed out and the effects mostly wore off.
<br>
<br>
My 2c-b trip lasted for 9 Hell Raising hours. The pain that my feet had gotten from walking my path to Hell was still affecting me for the whole next day. But, 8 hours after feeling sober, and having no visual effects, I smoked a joint. Immediately (maybe 5 minutes later), everything looked like it was rotting again. I was back in a bad place. I had to hide out in a tent.
<br>
<br>
My 2c-b trip really messed with me. I have done acid and mushrooms once each since this trip, and both on both substances I had flashbacks to Hell. Even within the first few weeks when smoking pot, I was highly affected. Flashbacks, weird noises, and feelings of anxiousness. I truly enjoyed 2c-b in the beginning of the trip, and I would love to do it again in a smaller dose, and definitely not smoke weed with it. Everyone that I have talked to said that they have never heard of a trip like this<!-- , so I wanted to share my story that mixing LSD, MDMA, 2c-b and pot together does have the potential to take you on a negative trip that you never thought imaginable-->. It was scarring and something that I can't understand or comprehend and a big eye opener. Just because you go into a trip with a positive attitude does not mean that you'll have a good trip, and a bad trip is much harder to get out of then I ever imagined.
<br>
<br>
<!-- Thanks for letting me share, and good luck on all your trips!--><!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2014</td><td width="90">ExpID: 104193</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 24</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Aug 24, 2019</td><td>Views: 2,736</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=104193&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=104193&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), MDMA (3), 2C-B (52) : Difficult Experiences (5), Post Trip Problems (8), Combinations (3), Festival / Lg. Crowd (24)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 3:35</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">150 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
23 / 10
<br>
<br>
My goal for this trip today is to reset my mind and spirit to a more exploratory and positive world-view. I have gotten bogged down in downers to block out and escape my anxieties and insecurities, but ultimately they are a blockade to me actually progressing with my life. I hope this trip will put me on the right track and help break the negative cycle I have fallen into. I have also recently started studying anthropology so it would be interesting to contemplate some of the concepts that I have been studying this far a bit deeper - try to push towards the core.
<br>
<br>
08.30 am (T+0.00): Drop two tabs of nice quality clean LSD (estimated 180 – 200 ug). The tabs was advertised as 140ug but as always I assume it to be lower than advertised, and through previous experience of said batch and tenuous cross-reference to other experiences I guestimate them to be 90 – 100 ug each - but hey, who really knows?
<br>
<br>
T+0.30: The first tells are starting to come on, my head is starting to feel light, my stomach funny, and there is a subtle sheen emerging in my vision. It is a nice autumnal day with crisp clear breaks of sun through wispy cloud, a perfect day for a spiritual reset.
<br>
<br>
LSD unlocks the divine within oneself. The spark of divinity present in each individual manifestation of the One source.
<br>
<br>
T+1.00: I can feel gentle energy rolling subtly through my body in tandem with the music and I find myself moving in flowing sinuous movements. This seems to be a characteristic of most of my acid come-ups. Maybe it’s just my body getting comfortable with the newly emerging sense of energies usually beyond the realm of the senses. Dancing in symbiosis with the energy that is all around.
<br>
<br>
T+1.04: I decide to lie down and put on my eye mask to see if there is anything accessible behind closed eyelids.
<br>
<br>
T+1.35: As usual I am always slightly taken aback by the subtle gentle incline in the effects of nice LSD. It rises slowly, like a pure light from within, taking it’s time to start seeping out into the external environment. So far the major effects are somatic – a feeling of blissful energy and Being, although visuals definitely have started to present themselves a bit as everything takes on a glassy sheen.
<br>
<br>
I would normally smoke cannabis at this point or earlier to help usher in the visuals and effects but have decided to refrain this time for a more ‘pure’ LSD experience, and maybe leave it for the reflective comedown portion of the trip. Although I love cannabis and it undoubtedly adds something special to any psychedelic experience I suspect it can add to the confusing and chaotic aspects to a trip so will keep it to a minimum and see if I can observe any noticeable differences in clarity of trip. It’s worth noting that I am a regular cannabis smoker and don’t think I have ever tripped without it so this is a novel experience for me.
<br>
<br>
T+1.50: It is important for living beings to try and holistically incorporate all aspects of being into the pool of the All. Learn to use your body, your mind, learn about how the world we find ourselves in now operates and maybe through this someday we will get an inkling of the general direction of things. Life as we know it existentially is like a game, it’s a mysterious field where we don’t know all the rules, but the more we interact with the game and learn the rules the more fun and fulfilling our game experience will be.
<br>
<br>
T+2.00: I decide to do a little bit of Kundalini Yoga with the aid of an instructional video online to move some of the energy around my body.
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<br>
T+2.25: I feel a bit more centred and limber after the yoga but all in all I found the instructional video I was watching distracted me from anything deeper. I think it is best to meditate undistracted, so I decide to do just that.
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<br>
T+2.50: I am approaching the peak and although it has been a pleasant experience so far, and certainly much more clear-headed, I am left a little underwhelmed and decide now is an appropriate time to roll a small joint.
<br>
<br>
T+3.00: LSD is a gentle slope towards the peak, I think I’m there until BAM, I reach the summit and witness the vistas bellow realising that NOW I’m there. I decide to hold back on the joint for now and see where this takes me. Everything has become touched with beauty and detail. I found myself looking at a photo of the Bayon Temple in Angkor Wat, the still and smiling faces of Bodhisattva forever at stillness in the rock, there is a deep serenity to be found in just being. Humbleness, kindness, compassion and intent are the keys to happiness.
<br>
<br>
T+3.35: I decided to smoke the joint and invoke the divine spirit of Shiva as a catalyst for inward exploration. I put on my eye-mask and some ambient drones and lie back in my bed.
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<br>
I am a seam in the fabric of the whole…
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<br>
I need to allow the serene in nature - the wide silent spaces and open vistas of experience - into my life. And find tranquillity in the spirit of the individual through the tranquillity of the spirit of the whole.
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<br>
I open my window and hear the guttural vocalisations of workers outside; are these the same crude mouth noises that we all rely on as the sole medium for the transmission of information? I start to think of forms of information transferral in other species - the hive mind - pheromones – chemically downloaded information that goes directly to the core of the organism…
<br>
<br>
LSD loosens the psychological boundaries for imprinting.
<br>
<br>
Bliss is to be found in the silence between.
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<br>
T+4.45: After spending some time meditating I decided I needed a light snack. I went downstairs and helped myself to some snacks, and thought it could be interesting to turn on the TV and see what my perception of ‘general life’ is like at the moment. I happened upon Masterchef US with Gordon Ramsey and it just seemed to me the most hilarious spectacle. An ultra-hyped-up ‘Give the humans what they want, just throw it at ‘em!’ entertainment. Full of Ego’s, motorbikes, machismo and sausage. Every human pitted against one another to try and get the ultimate prize of appraisal for their Italian sausage by an inflated caricature in a leather jacket flanked by a couple of B-movie mobsters. It all seemed very contrived and like the pinnacle of silliness and I couldn’t help but laugh at it all. I couldn’t watch for long though and turned it off at the commercial.
<br>
<br>
Thought and imagery associated with Buddhist philosophy has been at the forefront during this trip, which is not a philosophy that I would maintain in my daily life and certainly not one I have been upholding in practice. Although I’m not a converted Buddhist, I think there certainly are elements of it that speak to me at the life-stage I find myself right now that merit listening to and integrating.
<br>
<br>
T+4.30: My muscles are a little stiff so I decide to take a hot bath.
<br>
<br>
T+5.10: The bath did the job, it was nice, mellow, and thought provoking. I have been thinking a lot about the essential connectivity and unity of all life, we are individuals but we all share DNA-life at the kernel of our being driving us on towards something. I had the image of humanity likened to a giant plant, all connected through the same route system to the same life giving source. But we each flower individually and have our own distinct pollen to spread and add to the fray of the genus as a whole.
<br>
<br>
I think it could be interesting to have a little venture outside, so out I go…
<br>
<br>
T+8.00: I spent roughly the last two hours outdoors, wandering around the local nature reserve and beach. The journey started interestingly when as I turned on to the path leading to the nature reserve I overheard two women walking by, one of them was asking the other something along the lines of ‘Do you ever wonder what people say about you in other people’s stories? Like, if you are a part of someone else’s narrative?’. Now that is a fairly deep snippet of conversation to be overhearing with a head full of acid.
<br>
<br>
I worked my way up the hill that is the nature reserve, which is ironically straddled by a backdrop of factories billowing out massive puffs of nature destroying smoke. I stopped and listened to the noise from the factories, which at one point along the trail drowned out all sound of nature. I closed my eyes and really focused in on the sounds, chugging and dissonant with no harmony – this is the soundtrack to life in the city, the backdrop to our psyche. Whereas the sounds of nature struck me as harmonious. I underwent deep psychological contemplations as I walked, again the theme of the unity of life being present, and also dealing with some of the roots of my own social anxieties.
<br>
<br>
I reached the summit of the small hill and walked out onto the small plateau overlooking the sea and city beyond. I realised that all I strive for, and I believe anyone does, was the quiet and freedom to just be without judgement or anxiety. I think this ideal of the open free space is what anyone who gets drawn to nature strives for, subconsciously or consciously, and I felt a bond with the mainly pensioner crowd that made up my (unwitting) companions here on this voyage. It made me realise how much I am bound by and caught up in the social conventions and expectations that I so vehemently pay lip-service against. Yet I am also a slave, shackled by a net of internalised social structures, which like all human structures are arbitrary and fallible. My mind was then cast back to the commonalities of life that transcend social-structure and I continued my beatific journey down the backside of the hill and on to the beach.
<br>
<br>
Once I reached the beach the sound of the sea overpowered the dissonant drones of the factories. I joyed in the beauty of the world - a small flock of starlings flew past in graceful formation and each shell was magnificent in its artistry. I found myself a nice little sheltered spot against a sand dune, where I sat down and meditated to the lapping rhythm of the sea and revelled in just being - sitting there on the beach looking through shells and at the sea, like the crows that scarpered about me. As I sat there and watched the crows, the undeniable difference between life forms struck me. I reasoned at the time that although we all glow with the same life-force at the core, the physical receptacle places certain limits and infers certain directions for its expression whilst manifest in specific physical forms.
<br>
<br>
On the way home I decided to go to the shops to pick up a couple of things I needed. All went well in the shop and I found it interesting watching all the people milling about the isles. There was a brief awkward moment though in the off-license while I was buying a few beers, I seem to have lost all control of my bodies heat-regulating mechanisms and went completely flushed and red whilst attempting small-talk with the girl behind the counter. She’s a kind girl but she’s seen me in there far too many times before in various states of substance induced discombobulation and probably thinks I’m a poor fool. Ah well, what can you do. So it goes…
<br>
<br>
It may be worth noting at this point that the trip itself hasn’t been overly visual, although visuals are certainly present. I believe that the true force of the LSD trip is psychological in nature. Also abstaining from Cannabis apart from one small joint at the T+3.30 mark did remove a certain chaotic depth that I believe Cannabis adds, it was an altogether more coherent and ‘clear’ trip which I found enjoyable and useful for the purpose of this trip.
<br>
<br>
Today has been a real eye-opener of a trip and very valuable. It shed a lot of light on some addictions and bad habits I have fallen into and the fallacy and ultimate worthless destructiveness of them. I’m not saying this one trip has cured me of all my ills, but I do believe it has been a stepping stone onto a better path.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2017</td><td width="90">ExpID: 113261</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 26</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jun 10, 2019</td><td>Views: 1,843</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=113261&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=113261&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : General (1), Alone (16)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">105 ug</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">130 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
To preface this trip report, I'm writing this about a year after the actual trip happened, so I'm sure some details have gotten lost or mixed up in my mind, but I remember the trip quite well regardless. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I'm sure some details have gotten lost or mixed up in my mind, but I remember the trip quite well regardless.</div></div>
<br>
<br>
To give you an idea of my setting, I was 18, living in a cold, Northern US state in the chilly fall with some family members, the only drug I was familiar with was weed, which I had just started smoking about a year beforehand and smoked daily. I had become curious about psychedelics and LSD around the age of 16 and had been researching them and reading reports for a long time.
<br>
<br>
I had finally gotten a hold of some legit Voidrealms and was mentally prepared, or so I thought. In retrospect, I should not have tripped yet. For some background, I struggle with clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder which makes things like this difficult.
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<br>
My sister, A, the person I was most comfortable with in the house and the only one I could really talk about tripping with, had left with her husband and kids and would end up being gone for a few hours, leaving me alone with her friend, B, and his girlfriend, C, who were crashing over for a while, but were complete strangers to me at the time.
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<br>
I woke up that morning around 8am. I had been planning to have my first trip today at noon and I was giddy with excitement. I ate a healthy egg breakfast, took a shower, dressed in my favorite comfortable clothes and passed the time listening to music, mostly.
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<br>
Then, finally, it was time. I pulled out my tinfoil stash and sat down at my computer. I was becoming increasingly nervous, but my excitement to finally experience the psychedelic I've been wanting to try for years outweighed this anxiety. I could hardly contain it. I was shaking, bouncing my leg almost uncontrollably, my heart was beating quickly. I took some deep breaths, then pulled off one tab from my small strip of Voidrealms and walked to the bathroom. Standing in front of the mirror, I admired the trippy, rainbow-colored art on both sides of the tab before carefully placing it on my tongue. I cautiously waited to see if any bitter taste presented itself, and when it didn't, I moved the tab under my tongue. Now, we wait.
<br>
<br>
I walked back to my room and sat at my computer. I opened a chatroom I was in with some friends and told them what I was doing and they told me to keep them informed.
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<br>
Probably 10 minutes or so had passed by now. Searching through my music collection for a good album to guide me through my trip, I started to feel very cold and began shivering. This wasn't exactly abnormal at this time of year in my state, especially since my room had a particularly drafty window right behind my computer chair. I turned my little space heater on and put it next to my feet and continued searching. I settled on Walking with Strangers by The Birthday Massacre. I put my headphones on, fired up my favorite game at the time, Killing Floor 2, joined a server and started the music. I still remember, it was the Halloween event map, Monster Ball. I said something alone the lines of "Dropping acid for the first time, let's see how this goes" to my teammates. "Uhh, I dunno if I'd play this game on acid, dude.", a teammate replied. About 15-20 minutes must have passed by now and I was starting to feel 'off' by this point. My teammate's statement gave me a vague feeling of paranoia, but I pushed it aside in my mind and focused on enjoying myself.
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<br>
Colors were starting to become noticeably a bit brighter and more vibrant, and hearing my favorite song off of the album, 'Kill the Lights', felt almost orgasmic to my ears. The music sent chills over my entire body. It was like the feeling of hearing your favorite song for the first time. I was still playing surprisingly well and had yet to die. By the time the second song, 'Goodnight', was over, I was starting to feel the trippy headspace effects. I remember telling my teammates something like "Okay, I'm starting to feel weird. This is crazy". The bliss started to become clouded by my own anxiety over the new feelings. Rather than letting go and letting it happen, I made the classic mistake of fighting and clinging to my sober consciousness. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">The bliss started to become clouded by my own anxiety over the new feelings. Rather than letting go and letting it happen, I made the classic mistake of fighting and clinging to my sober consciousness.</div></div> I could tell things were going south. Sure enough, I told my teammate he was right and that I couldn't play anymore. I left the server, minimized the game and went back to the chatroom. I told everyone that I was really starting to trip and felt weird. I distinctly remember the feeling of my fingers touching my keyboard. It felt almost...sticky? Despite the fact that I always keep my mouse and keyboard clean to an almost obsessive level. It's hard to describe now. It felt like my fingers were melting into them as I typed, and as if they would stick to my fingers when I pulled my hands away. I looked down at it and noticed how they were noticeably breathing and drifting around. I looked back up at the screen and was sure I was tripping by now. Everyone could set their own font color in the chat, and they were all so bright, distinct and vibrant by now. It was like a neon light show just watching the chat messages go by. I tried typing something about this, and it looked like the characters were floating and drifting away from the chat box. I started laughing, starting to enjoy myself again. I looked around my room and found that everything looked like this, as if it were all under a runny, thick, see-through layer of oil or something. Everything looked somewhat cartoonish and 'underwater', if that makes sense.
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<br>
Just as I thought everything was better, I looked out my window and saw that my sister's car was gone. This is when I remembered that they were leaving for a few hours today. Suddenly, the paranoia of being alone hit me. I felt a pit in my stomach. I tried ignoring it and convincing myself I was fine, but kept getting caught in paranoid thought loops over being alone while tripping. Then, to throw a match on the fire, I heard a knock at my room door. I froze up and tried not to make any sound. "Hey, you there?" It was B. I know him better now, but at the time he was a complete stranger to me. What did he want? Why is he knocking on my door now? Surely he's going to try to kill me now that everyone else is gone so he can rob us. Paranoid thoughts like this flooded my mind. My heart was racing. I put my hand to my chest and felt it. Big mistake. I suddenly became convinced I was going to have a heart attack. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out, I desperately tried to calm myself down. It didn't work. I made the classic beginners mistake. I took out my phone and dialed 911. "Uh, yeah, I think I need an ambulance?? No, I don't know, I just think I'm dying. I'm gonna have a heart attack. Uh no, I don't know why. Please help. I'm scared.". I imagine the call went something like that, though it's a blur by now. I hung up and frantically hid my stash, then clumsily tried putting my shoes on. Fuck, why did I have to wear high tops? Why couldn't I have slip ons? It took what felt like 20 minutes, but was probably more like 2 or 3, to finally get my shoes on and get them tied.
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<br>
I walked outside and sat in the driveway, waiting for the ambulance to arrive. Looking around, I noticed that the visuals still weren't too crazy but were definitely still ramping up. Colors were a bit more vibrant, anything I focused on breathed and drifted. It was beautiful, but it wasn't enough to distract me from my terrified, paranoid headspace yet. The paramedics arrived and started asking me questions about my condition. I ended up telling them that I just smoked a bunch of weed (I had a medical marijuana card, so I knew I couldn't get in trouble for that cover story) and was freaking out. They took me into the ambulance and took my HR and BP, the usual. They started asking me what today's date was, my date of birth, etc. and I started becoming very confused. I knew that I could answer these things, but every time I tried I was thrown into another thought loop. I don't remember how, but I finally managed to answer all of their questions through all of the slow 'um..'s and awkward silent pauses.
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<br>
I remember looking out the back window of the ambulance as we drove to the hospital and becoming entranced. The visuals must have been nearing their early peak by now. Everything was so bright and colorful. It was like a cartoon almost. I couldn't even explain why or how it was so beautiful now, but I was in awe. I couldn't stop staring, until we finally arrived at the ER. I got out, thanked them, and went to the waiting room.
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<br>
It was around this point that everything changed. I remember looking around me, looking down at my black jeans and just noticing all of the little specs of color on it from lint, dust, or gravel and whatnot and how vibrant and noticeable they were against the dark black fabric, and the way they all drift around when I look. An overwhelming calmness and sense of relief washed over me. I remember thinking exactly, "Wait, this is fucking cool!" and walking up to the receptionist and asking, "so, can I just like, leave?" She confirmed that I could and I called a taxi back home.
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<br>
As I stood outside, I remember being so completely happy and content with everything. I had an entirely new appreciation for everything that I took for granted previously. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I had an entirely new appreciation for everything that I took for granted previously.</div></div> It was a beautiful, chilly fall day. Everything was so colorful and vibrant. I remember looking at a nearby tree and thinking that it looked like I was inside a painting. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face if I tried. I remember a woman walking up to me and asking me to hold her soda while she put her purse on her other shoulder. I obliged and remember thinking to myself how good it felt to help someone out. My cab arrived and I got in and started my ride home.
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<br>
The driver exchanged some friendly small talk with me and again, I stared out the window and became almost entranced with the beauty of everything. I remember hearing the driver's walkie, something about someone else needing a ride from the ER after me, and thinking about how we're all in this together. We're all connected. Everyone is just their own separation of consciousness making its way through the same world. This made me feel very happy, and I remember trying to send good vibes to the other ER dude.
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<br>
The taxi dropped me off at home, I paid and thanked them and then walked back inside. Everyone was back home now and my sister was cooking dinner. She asked if I was okay as I'd been gone for a while, and I just said something vague along the lines of "Couldn't be better", a dumb smile still on my face, and headed back to my room. I remember everything looking like a living, moving painting. The steam coming out of the pot on the stove, the patterns on the counters, the tiles on the floor, the wood walls, everything was breathing and flowing together like a big, abstract pastel painting. It was beautiful.
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<br>
I sat back down at my computer, and opened Killing Floor 2 again, joining a server and starting the music where I left off.
<br>
The first song to play on the CD after I started again was 'Unfamiliar'. "..It's all coming back to me..." I distinctly remember when the chorus hit, feeling like it was so perfect to my situation, as if it were made for this exact moment, narrating my trip. Earlier I was spiraling into a bad trip, freaking out, but now it's all coming back to me. It felt blissful.
<br>
<br>
The game looked insane by now. EVERYTHING was waving, drifting, melting and breathing on my screen and the colors were so bright and vibrant, it was like I could /feel/ them just by looking at them. The Halloween event/map couldn't be more perfect for it, either. For reference, if you've never played it, it's basically this super colorful, Halloween rave party map. Glowsticks everywhere, fog, a dancefloor room complete with rave music, lasers, and a lit-up dancefloor. I couldn't stop gushing about how fucking cool everything was. I remember getting into a discussion about acid with one of my teammates, but I don't really remember what all was said. Oddly enough, I felt like I played 10x better than sober or just stoned. Its like I knew my goal, and I knew exactly how to achieve it. Aim for the head, keep moving, don't get cornered. It's like my brain was programmed to win this game and not get killed. I top-scored and probably played better on that trip than I ever have before.
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<br>
After a while of playing and finishing the album, I decided I should eat something. I got some apples and water from the kitchen and took them back to my room. It tasted amazing. I can't even describe how good it feels to eat fresh fruits while tripping. Usually I crave junk food like pizza and chips and candy while stoned, but unhealthy things seem awful on acid. While eating, I got the overwhelming urge to write down all of my gained knowledge and epiphanies for my sober self to remember after I come down. I couldn't let this all go to waste and be for nothing. I filled at least 3 pages in my notebook, but I've since lost the notebook. I do remember that a big one was that I was struggling with anorexia and seriously underweight at the time, and that moment was what drove me to recover finally (I'm still on the low side but doing a lot better now).
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<br>
I finished my fruit and went back to Killing Floor 2. This time I put on Loveless by My Bloody Valentine. I distinctly remember getting this feeling through the early and late comedown. It was almost a 'liquid' feeling in my head, if that makes sense? It's as if I could feel it slowly draining out of my brain and down my body and spine in waves. It was very weird, but not at all unpleasant. The visuals seemed to slow down for a bit, and then hit me again suddenly in waves.
<br>
<br>
The album sounded fucking beautiful. Something about shoegaze on acid is just so right. It felt like I was drowning in the dreamy reverb-y walls of guitar and distortion, in a good way. I reflected a lot on my trip, and my place in life in general, and became very emotional. I just cried through a lot of it, but not in a bad way. Just a cathartic, "I needed this" kind of crying. My face was soaked with tears and everyone else in the house was asleep by the time the album was over. I felt like I'd been through so much, it seemed like an eternity ago that I'd put that tab on my tongue.
<br>
<br>
I was so glad I finally tried LSD. It was honestly a life changing experience. It's still one of the most beautiful days of my life to this day. I've had many, many trips in the year or so that's passed since then and I'm hoping to try DMT soon. I don't regret any of it. My biggest word of advice from this trip is something that's been said a million times before, but is absolutely crucial: make sure your set and setting are comfortable and safe. Don't trip around strangers. Don't trip completely alone for your first time if you're prone to anxiety. And always remember that even when things go bad, you can pull yourself out of it and have an amazing experience. Never just assume "this is it, I'm having a bad trip".<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2018</td><td width="90">ExpID: 113621</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 18</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Sep 27, 2019</td><td>Views: 2,339</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=113621&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=113621&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Difficult Experiences (5), Glowing Experiences (4), Depression (15), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), First Times (2), Various (28)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1.5 tablets</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">650 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mescaline/">Mescaline</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(powder / crystals)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> repeated</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/citalopram/">Pharms - Citalopram</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(daily)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">75 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
It had been a while since I’d had a deep psychedelic experience and it was the right time, set and setting with which to take the plunge. This was getting towards the end of a batch of synthetic mescaline hcl and some LSD tabs. It isn’t the most potent acid I’ve had by a long shot but it is really nice and clean...it ain’t all about the potency I have learned.
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Three of us would be tripping...me, my sister and one of my best and longest known friends. I have known this guy since the first year of secondary school and we began our pioneer psychedelic experimentation at the same time while at university in London together. This is someone I have a great deal of trust in, he’s a great guy and highly intelligent and empathic. I hadn’t seen him in a long time, and he was free of his rather controlling girlfriend which was a big plus, so he could just be himself. He is also good friends with my sister, and her first mushroom trip was with the two of us, a good few years ago now, and it had been a very special night for us all. My sister is less experienced than us but is by no means inexperienced. She shared an interest with us in psychedelics, and it was on an LSD trip with her then fiancé that made her realise she wasn’t happy. She thought the feelings were induced by the drug and would pass, but they didn’t, it seemed things came into the light she needed to be made aware of. Skip forward to now and we are living together and both working at or going to the same university and have our own flat we’ve made our own space, life is good.
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So, I had decided having experienced synthetic mescaline twice before at decent dosages, I would experiment by combining it with LSD, as this was the last of my stash and I had heard great things about this particular combination and here was an opportunity to try it. I’d really enjoyed the past mescaline experiences but found the visual domain much less inspiring than what I experience with cactus, so I hoped that the LSD would more fully open the doors of our visual perception. My sister and I were taking 650mg (approx) of the mescaline, and one and half tabs of acid. My friend is sensitive to the nausea of mescaline so he took around 500mg with two tabs of the acid. We are all in good spirits catching up and looking forward to the experience. The setting was our living room with appropriate lighting, tasty musical habitats to explore, sofas and pillows, a fair few plants, my sister’s beloved little dog, and last but not least a tropical aquarium with fish and other things in a great variety of forms and colours, and something really, really nice and relaxing to look at.
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The come up was gentle, the acid first. I felt some stomach awareness but this passed, and I didn’t purge this time with the mescaline, or feel much in the way of nausea. The last two times I did. My friend was sick and felt better immediately. The sun was starting to go down and it was a really nice evening. The mescaline started to build...and build. We all had the desire to stretch out. My sister and friend felt tension in their upper back and shoulders...not from the mescaline per se; just the mescaline was bringing to the surface imbalances in posture and a desire for massage. My sister experienced tangibly and more so than any experience previously the feeling she was being thoroughly examined and scanned in a healing sense. She had a little pain in her ovaries which passed...this is interesting in that the first time we took mescaline together, a lower dose of cactus extract...she had experienced pain in her ovaries, and a feeling like they were sapping her energy, so she went to the doctors and got diagnosed with dermoid cysts which had to be surgically removed. So mescaline I feel definitely has a particular attribute for self diagnosis, and not in a purely mental sense.
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The fusion of mescaline and lysergic acid was fantastic. There was energy and colour from the LSD, and this earthy grounded sensual body feeling from the mescaline. I felt enveloped in thick walls of soft bliss and comfort; it felt benign and like the air in the room was thick with it. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I felt enveloped in thick walls of soft bliss and comfort; it felt benign and like the air in the room was thick with it.</div></div> The LSD added some nice colour, depth and vividness to the visual domain. We were split between wanting to dance a bit and just stretch out and chill on the mescaline. Another difference from the cactus is I find the synthetic mescaline more sedating and harder to move around on. Or maybe I just felt less inclined. But I recall a few woodland adventures into the night on cactus before that had been great fun, but this just wasn’t the vibe with the pure stuff.
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The experience began to build more and change in character, becoming more internal, with effects continuing to build for a while. My sister has a little dog that we are both very fond of, and as the effects began to build he began to act stranger and stranger. I have heard of animals acting funny around trippers before many times, and I have experienced this myself a number of times. But this was something else. I fully appreciate we were both altered but we know this dog very well, and have done for the two years we’ve had him. He was acting very restless and we watched for a while as he seemed to be chasing something invisible around the room while attempting to chew it. It was like there was a magical moth in the room. He wasn’t running around lots though but had his neck craned upwards and it really seemed he was playing or trying to chew on something we simply couldn’t see. This behaviour went on for some time, and was of concern to my sister. I reassured her and said he certainly didn’t seem scared, more just curious and playful. It was very strange though and I would love to know what was going through his doggie brain then. It really seemed something was up, and I haven’t had that kind of experience before.
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Effects continued to build. The sun had gone down and it had clouded over. I felt a little tinge of darkness then. The trip was shifting gears into something else as the creeping mescaline started to peak. It was around then that my sister started to seriously freak out. She started to get very anxious and voiced all her insecurities, and kept worrying about her dog. This wasn’t good but I have encountered this kind of situation before and we were both talking her through this. She said the experience had become incredibly internal and introspective and that all her senses had crossed over into each other and it was incredibly confusing.
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I went into the kitchen having rolled a joint to get some frozen food for the fish in the tank. I walked into the kitchen and heard screaming and shouting and ran back into the living room to find my sister was scrabbling madly for the window and tearing off cloths. She was very distressed...to her, she would later explain, everything, including herself and us, the whole room, was on fire and melting. She could smell it, see it clearly but she really felt it too. She thought we were all burning alive together, and when she looked at us, it looked as if we were melting like molten lava, and this seemed incredibly real to her, so was a truly terrifying thing for her to experience. She got up a few times, and after her going for the window I had to physically restrain her a few times, something I’ve never had to do. She was convinced she was dying, along with us, and she kept having this experience repeatedly in cycles. I could kind of sense that she was both inside and yet outside of herself somehow. For a time I think she really felt out of body, but she described us as being with her there. At other times she wasn’t really aware of the room we were in anymore. Part of her was glad she was on the drugs as she thought these were killing some of the brain as she was dying. She voiced the same anxieties and concerns in cycles. Her concern for her dog was interesting in that she didn’t refer to him by name just a little dog that we need to care for. My friend and I just comforted her and hugged her and reassured her. It was horrible to see someone you care about so much experience such mental agony. And I was the one who had provided the doses, so it was partly my fault. While this was going on I was obviously a lot more focussed on her than myself, but I noticed that despite this, my trip had taken on a really dark nature...the visions I was seeing, especially of people’s faces changing, were really grotesque, and the earlier beautiful fusion of the acid and mescaline seemed to have fizzled out and it felt a bit now that my mind and body were caught between two different opposing powerful currents of the drugs. My pulse was elevated and it felt like my blood pressure was up, and I had weird and uncomfortable electric tingling in my body. My friend didn’t experience this discomfort, but the ratios of mescaline and LSD he ingested were different to myself and my sister (more tipped towards the LSD side of things).
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My sister was also really hot and sweating profusely, and I thought she may have had serotonin syndrome...this, along with the body tremors and confusion made this seem quite likely. She does take the SSRI citalopram, (which I personally don’t like) but she has taken this along with LSD, psilocybin, 25i numerous times and only had very positive experiences without any trace of physical or psychological discomfort, and had taken her last dose a few days before. So it seems the combination of mescaline and LSD could well pose a risk to people on SSRI’s.<!--so I would caution anyone on SSRI’s to tread very carefully indeed when experimenting with psychedelic cocktails. --> I also suspected serotonin syndrome from the cyclical nature of her anxieties. When everything was at its very worse for her we told her to let go and not fight it, and often with psychedelics this release can end one’s suffering. She said afterwards love for others in her life was the only thing she still held on to. She did let go but all her anxieties and insecurities would come and bombard her again repeatedly in a cyclical nature. It is possible that marijuana may have contributed to the confusion, although it wasn’t affecting me or my friend in that way; on the contrary it seemed to me to meld very nicely with the mix we had going on, and the combination was very pleasurable.
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After reassurance and hugging for a while, the anxiety attacks began to fizzle out in intensity and regularity. Later on it was much easier to talk her out of these loops of doom. Primal brain circuits had been activated though so even when she was ‘back’ from this, she had a strong aversion to candles burning or a joint being smoked, lest the whole room erupt into flames again.
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This was the only time my sister can ever say she experienced true terror. It is bizarre the extent to which one’s own mind can rebel against the self and devise extremely convincing and elaborate plots that work against one. Yet it is the experience of terror, to be gripped by the fear of losing everything in an instant that really makes you appreciate all you have in your life. So despite how horrific this experience was to my sister at the time, AND how horrific it was for me to witness this, she came back with some profound and lasting positive revelations on love, life and consciousness. I don’t really label trips as ‘bad’ or ‘good’, this seems far too shallow a way at labeling them...I guess this trip would be a monumentally bad trip for my sister, but in my experience, it is the more difficult experiences one learns more from and brings more back into their sober waking life. We all had the old reoccurring revelation of just how difficult these types of experiences are to put into words...words are great n’ all, just not up to describing the nature of such experiences that transcend their labels to such a degree.
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The latter part of the trip was nice. My sister was back and compos mentis; she was clearly exhausted and slept for a while on the sofa. My friend and I talked and listened to music, the electrical nature of consciousness seemed to keep coming up in conversation, and at some point we experienced a rather strange technological malfunction I cannot easily explain. We were listening to a playlist of new albums I had downloaded onto my iPod and prepared for the trip, and through my friend’s recommendation. We were listening to an album on this playlist, a Bluetech album, and the music very suddenly switched to something else. I am not sure what, but it was something with female vocals I didn’t recognise, but definitely not my kind of music. The fact that myself or my friend didn’t know what it was, was strange. I am very familiar with all the music on my iPod, I don’t have ‘filler’ music, and yet I am adamant the music that played is not on my iPod. It played for around 12 seconds before returning back to the Bluetech album, and my friend clearly experienced this too. Now, having downloaded many of these albums, it is possible that this snippet was downloaded with the music somehow, but I have listened to these albums individually multiple times and it has never come up, but for some reason it is now a part of the playlist. My sister identified the singer as Mariah Carey, and I don’t have any of her music in my iPod. The iPod dock also has radio capabilities, but it was on iPod mode at the time so that shouldn’t have made any difference. It seems people tripping report electrical/technological glitches with a fair degree of frequency, and this was definitely a bit odd. Since the trip there have been a few other malfunctions, and on his return home my friend’s computer suffered multiple major malfunctions having been completely fine before, requiring several reboots and some degree of effort to make right again.
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We went on a walk at some point the next morning in the park in the sun which was nice, nature is always grounding. We got a few hours sleep and then stayed up for the rest of the day chatting and chilling, and all really enjoyed the rest of our weekend together. My friend decided it would not be wise for him to drive that day on so little sleep and stayed an extra night which was nice.
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My sister had a headache the next day and was tired. This went away though leaving a little residual tiredness for another day, but otherwise she felt good and grounded and the insights of the experience are still very much with her.
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<!--I would urge definite caution for anyone on SSRI’s who is planning to try a psychedelic cocktail of some kind. -->The combination of two different chemicals may well be more than the sum of its parts in a biochemical sense. Also these compounds certainly aren’t toys, and this experience reminded us of their incredible power.
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Sister view! ~ after only about 20 minutes I felt the mental shift, it was gentle and soothing and the slight, teasing movements soon began: in art work, carpets and on the wall. Almost instantaneously alongside this, I had the urge to create myself a comfortable, cosy cushion bed on the living room floor besides the fish tank and facing the windows.
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As soon as it was ready I lay down and could feel some medicinal power working its way through the inner of my body. At first this power focussed directly on my ovary area, like the last time I took mescaline which soon lead me to discover that I had ovarian cysts that had a cancerous danger and which needed to be removed surgically, and, for he second time, I couldn’t help but massage them and feel the inside of me being paid attention and worked on. It did hurt but not in your normal, sober pain-sense way, but the hurt version you can experience under these circumstances instead. This lasted a while and then I found myself massaging my neck and the top of my back, my hands knew exactly what to do and I was finding the exact knots that have been causing me pain in the working week recently. It felt good!
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However, this medical attentiveness didn't stop or lessen, it was constant and was becoming stronger as were the visions in both intensity and speed, the clouds for example were now rolling and skimming noticeably fast across the sky in an exaggerated cartoon, thunder storm type way. The medical checking was now working on my physical body, my muscles as well as my skin. I wanted to control it after a while and the boys wanted to attempt playing UNO, as we had previously said we would! So I sat up and my posture was demanding to be corrected and straight, and I couldn't stop twisting my neck to stretch the muscles, and it was a good feeling but demanding in an out-of-my-control way. We started playing UNO and I think this is when my first paranoid thinking started. Because I couldn't get a grasp on the simple rules and kept on saying, 'wait, can I...?' Being typical of me, this would normally just be funny and not matter, but my altered state was telling me otherwise and I began becoming sure that our friend (A) was looking at my brother (B) in a 'really!?' type way and that B was thinking it would be best to just ignore me. I knew these things weren't true and I tried to push them aside but my whole posture had turned so that my head was pointing away from A and more at my brother, and to look at A, someone I love very much, would bring the insecure thoughts flooding back, and I couldn't understand how a game of UNO could take such a sinister turn. I had to concentrate and sort of stalk their actions to make sure, but it didn't take too long to realise that B and A were both definitely also in completely trippy worlds, undergoing enveloping journeys of their own, and that at this point I wasn’t over tripping nor the centre of a private side topic of the little, stupid girl in the room. We then attempted to return to giving the UNO game a real try, I wanted to so I joined the group mentality and, for a short time, understood where we each and all were, and that this paranoia was silly and would pass, and managed a bit of cards-playing with some laughter and rule remembering. However there was still doubt and darkness in my mind, I was trying to displace it.
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We all agreed we had given it a good attempt and that we would move the night onwards to wherever it was going to take us. With the gradual arrival of the darkness of night, I also felt a darkening shift in my mental state, the only way to describe this right now is exactly that, dark and heavy, but not scary or overwhelming, yet, I then found myself in a yoga-type position, bending over on the floor with my head between my knees. For me this would usually be too much of an attention-seeking kind of position, a weird one, but I couldn’t help but stay in it, while I felt the trip getting stronger and stronger, with a strong sense that it was going to go somewhere I didn’t want it to go. I soon forced myself to lie down on my side, facing the underneath of the table, where my dog now was, and behind him I could see my brother if I twisted under a little bit. This is when my dog started chewing and following something otherwise invisible in the air under the table, between B and me. I wanted to close my eyes but thought I should be experiencing the sights and that A and B would think that’s a wrong thing to do. During my last look into the clouds outside of the window, the specific area of cloud I looked out, twisted and formed into an evil-joker face; I acclaimed out loud to my brother that I could “see Mr. Mescaline in the clouds.” The battle of wanting to refrain from closing my eyes was lost, and from here on my eyes were either closed or open, but I am not sure because everything I saw, I now know but certainly didn’t then, was definitely not there.
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The next few hours are hard to order and explain clearly, because clear they weren't! I can only tell you what was going on inside my head, as that was all the reality I had, all everything, there was no material or normal sense or MEMORY - of anything, apart from right now, in my head - everything was, temporarily, lost. The 'reality' was going on in my head and we were talking and going on as normal, until I actually spoke out loud part of the conversation that 'normal life me' was having with the boys, and then this would abruptly break the 'normality' and I realised that all that I was imagining was just being imagined, and when I spoke out loud I realised what was going on was a very sinister game and realised that the conversations weren't going on at all, but they were all in my head. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">The 'reality' was going on in my head and we were talking and going on as normal, until I actually spoke out loud part of the conversation that 'normal life me' was having with the boys, and then this would abruptly break the 'normality' and I realised that all that I was imagining was just being imagined, and when I spoke out loud I realised what was going on was a very sinister game and realised that the conversations weren't going on at all, but they were all in my head.</div></div> The game was this: if I didn't speak the two guys would go about their ways as normal. At this point B was rolling a joint and A was dancing but, as soon as I spoke out loud, because I forgot for that split second that if I spoke I would completely disrupt the peace. There seemed to be two worlds: one in the room that we were supposed to be in, having a nice, chilled night like we were supposed to be having. But the other side was the trip side, but the one I was sure was reality - only none of us could see the incredibly dark truth - the world that was preparing to take our lives away that evening.
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I kept making the mistake of speaking out loud and getting ‘it’ wrong, and the intensity of this confusion worsened every time I slipped up and made a noise. I soon realised that I couldn't speak properly, as I knew that by getting what was going on wrong, I was making the situation worse and deepen towards a point of no return. So I figured I would have to just say one word at a time either to ask a question or vocalise an insecurity or worry. By this time I was so confused that words lost their meaning, and then I couldn't really remember what words were. Before I knew it the game had taken a disastrous turn and because I kept getting the game wrong, the consequences were becoming more and more serious. A part of my normal consciousness was attempting to break through and try to make sense of the whole situation. But trying to find reality backfired and instead caused a stronger sense of confusion <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">A part of my normal consciousness was attempting to break through and try to make sense of the whole situation. But trying to find reality backfired and instead caused a stronger sense of confusion</div></div>, a state of confusion so strong, that the consequences of that confusion were more and more quickly becoming a matter of life and death. The more I tried to figure out, the more I realised I couldn't remember. I was suddenly faced with the fact that I could not remember the flat we lived in, who I was, what was this thing we were doing. In this spiral of blocked mentality I burst out and demanded 'Somebody please tell me something! Anything!' the word I was looking for was quite literally 'life,' because I couldn't remember it myself, I had no idea what was the purpose of anything, what were the words for anything, even how to speak or ‘what’ I was.
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I lay back down and I think after some time I opened my eyes and was having some horrible, rapid visions of my little dog weeing on me as well as humping his teddy all around me with disgusting, bright red visions of his penis out, and baring his teeth in lots of different areas all around me. The next thing I saw was him cocking his leg to wee on my face. I felt my face and, though my senses had seemed to all conjoin into one and I had no hope of differentiating between them, I was certain I was soaking wet, face, hair and all, and I was also sure that part of this wetness was his semen too. I bolted upright and to my horror while feeling for more semen on my clothes I suddenly realised I was melting in a slow, electric, amorphous type way. I looked at the table which was now my shoulder height, where we had some tea lights lit, and the only explanation I could find right then was that one or all of them had somehow spilled over and set the table on fire. I glanced towards the living room door and saw that only the dark corridor on the other side of it looked cool and airy, but from inside the living room door and all around the whole room was a thick smoke, and I quickly put two and two together and was sure that in the real world, which we were all blind to because of the trip, the living room had caught fire and in my trip I had been so out of it while lying down, that I hadn’t noticed the fire, none of us had, and we had made one HUGE mistake and this was the end - I was burning to death and there would be nothing or anything any of us could do. We couldn't call the police and we couldn't phone a friend and in our states we were incapable of putting the fire out, we were already on fire, us, the dog, the table, the room. The sensation of burning alive was soaring through the whole of my body, and the room around me was contorting and melting as one. I remember thinking that maybe someone would see me if I went into the dark outside, or even the cool air might stop the fire. A flash of my lost consciousness attempted to return here and I remember tackling with this message by wandering 'would I die if I jumped off the balcony? wait, I'm tripping, this could be a really bad idea, try and think, have people died from trips - particularly balcony jumping trips - before?' The answer was not there. I am guessing it was at some point during these thoughts I jumped up and was scrabbling for the windows and tearing my clothes off. This is HIGHLY unlike me, I am wretchedly insecure of my body, something that also came out in this trip, but funnily enough I do have a snapshot of looking down on my body and seeing my knickers and trousers down by my feet. But I remember viewing this at the time, and the result was neither self-consciousness or even self-applied, I looked at these bare legs as if they were not mine, and if they were mine then it probably wasn't happening, and there was nothing I could do about it anyway. At the time, I certainly didn’t recall doing it to myself; however I do almost remember jumping up and true and terrifying panic taking over and engulfing me. When I got up the extent of the situation hit home and the flames and burning and melting were out of control – it was happening, it was too late.
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The next time I feel like I opened my eyes, I was now, new-to-me, on the sofa. My brother was holding me and looking into my face from my right, and A was staring into my face with fear-wide eyes on my left. The look on their faces hit home and I knew something was up and had seriously changed the vibe in a bad way. A was saying 'you've got nothing to worry about, what are you worried about?' The way he phrased it made it seem as though this wasn't the first time he'd asked me it, and in a sudden epiphany I realised the answer to save us all, to save us from the trip which I now understood was the world that was on fire, but had the very definite reality of burning us all alive if we let it go too far. In an instant I understood the answer and cure, and had to vocalise it all at once. In this episode of declaration I verbalised that I was worried that we were all dying, it felt and looked like the room was on fire, that we should put all the candles out, that the name of the game was confusion and I was getting lost in it, that there was a dog that we should be worrying about, and, last and definitely least, that I ‘looked bad’!
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I don’t remember what they said exactly, but I knew they were trying to soothe me but I had already started lapsing back into it, and was once again sure that they couldn’t see it, that we were all dying, all on fire burning alive, the room, the fish tank, us, the dog, and I leaned back and in front of my vision was being enveloped in flames and twisting round from my peripheral view and edging it’s way in a melting, circular fashion towards the very center of my vision. The panic was strong and I knew I had the power to stop it all but I just couldn’t figure out how. In desperation I was thinking through my options and trying to figure out this horrific game’s main rule, and realised I had to snap out of it by getting it right and focusing on and verbalising the facts. At absolute peak point the world and boys on either side of me had twisted and contorted around the center of my vision. I could feel as well as see the pain of burning fire inside me, melting me alive. As I looked at my beloved boys I knew that they too were despairing of the fact that it was all up to me, we were all burning alive beyond repair, and that it would, within seconds, be too late. We would die from this Earth and in the morning all that would be left is burning ash.
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At that point I shouted and sat up “wait wait wait wait wait!!! Ok ok, we’re dying, we’re dying, we have to do something, I’m so so sorry, we’re dying, we’re all burning alive, I’m burning alive!” I turned to my brother and genuinely asked him, we’re dying aren’t we, I’m dying? The response I saw was a nod and tear in his eye, the fire and melting had temporarily subsided; yet I was still sure I was dying somehow. I looked around the room and could see the smoke among all the surfaces was slowing alighting once again. I returned to look at my brother and remember thinking, ‘it’s such a shame, this beautiful man, who I love so much, this one trip, this one mistake or slip-up, is going to be the end of him, of all of us, and what a shame, what a waste, that would be’. I started to cry as this reality retook control and I declared out loud the things I was letting go of. I said “so there’s no morning, there’s no waking up, there’s no going to school (where I work), there’s no K (rediscovering my dogs name), there’s no sun, there’s no mum, there’s no granddad, no D (my soul-mate, life-lover, who couldn’t be with us on this evening) there’s no us, there’s no you”.
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I cried more and closed my eyes while being hugged by B, I also had my arm around A and I told them that I loved them, and said “as long as K knows, as long as he knows I loved him as best I could, as long as all of you know…” The burning had returned and I remember some serious leg tremors going on as I lay on my side leaning on my brother.
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My legs began to shake more and more, violently so, and I don’t know if K really was there but at this point I looked down and he was snuggled into my tummy as we were lying on the floor. I stroked him and repeated to myself, that I loved him and I loved the boys, I looked at him and remember thinking how sorry I was that he would have to burn alive with me, I could see flames rising around him and his body melting slowly beneath his singeing fur, I told the boys that I was so sorry, so so sorry, they said it’s ok and this only further affirmed that they too were letting go, and we were all in the realisation that this was the end, one trip had been the cause of it all, and there was nothing any of us could do. And in my head, with my eyes closed, I now saw darkness. However I was never fully gone. Because in the darkness I did have something to grasp onto, I had love. I felt it so strongly and my metaphorical hands were reaching out in front of me and clutching onto it because it was, and is, everything. I could see the faces and was saying the names inside my head of some people I truly love, I thought of my boyfriend, my brother, my mum and my granddad. And I remember thinking, this is the end, but as long as they know, truly know, that I loved them and will love them forever, then that is the most important thing and all that ever mattered. From previously worrying about work and day time, none of the other things mattered anymore, and love was the only reason, the only cause and the only matter of importance; and I hadn’t lost it, I had found it in a more profound, intense, beautiful way than ever before. It was all that mattered and everything, and I knew that all this love I felt, for the people in my life that I was thinking of, was wholesomely and unconditionally true and pure. I could no longer see their faces but I saw their soul, they each shined a bright, active, silver glowing trail of iridescent silver/white body-streams. It didn’t matter what they looked like, what anyone looked like, because when we truly love, we love the soul and this is the only constant and matterful thing which exists throughout the whole expansion of our lives, and as an old man, I could see my boyfriend, and his glowing, energetic soul and knew that our souls would still be connected, and in love, because they had electrically conjoined with each other in a magnetic, irreversible type way. I don’t know how long after but I suddenly became aware that I was clutching onto my brother, almost lying across his chest, both on the floor. A was at my feet, and my first thoughts while coming back into the world, was that love is all the same. True love, for anyone, family or otherwise, is holding each other, embracing, non-embarrassing, rich, and intense love. And if you loved anyone properly, then that would be the truth of it.
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This calmed down and after a long time of gathering together the reality that I hadn’t died, that we had survived, and that K was still here, tired but fine. I searched my surroundings and reabsorbed the room bit by bit. I looked at A and it seemed as though he was lighting a joint, I realised he wasn’t when he answered my fear of “careful of the fire, we should turn everything off, all candles and everything” by pointing out that everything in the room had already been blown out, and used my funny language to respond to me specifically, that everything (even though I was talking about fire be it a lighter or candle) had indeed been “switched off.” My brother later moved me up onto the sofa. I remember feeling completely drained and exhausted, mentally and physically, and I clambered onto the near bit of sofa and curled up. K immediately joined me and began curling up with me to sleep too. This hugely comforted me but I was also flooded with a familiar feeling of remorse for anything I had put him through. I fell asleep and when I woke up, I was exhausted yet uplifted. I welcomed back the light of day, and another chance at this life we all share.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2013</td><td width="90">ExpID: 100568</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 28</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Oct 13, 2019</td><td>Views: 4,833</td></tr>
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Mescaline (36) : Combinations (3), Bad Trips (6), Health Problems (27), Train Wrecks &amp; Trip Disasters (7), Guides / Sitters (39), Second Hand Report (42), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
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<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
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<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(daily)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2.4 g</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/smarts/piracetam/">Piracetam</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(daily)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">250 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance">Vitamins - Choline</td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(daily)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
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<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> repeated</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> repeated</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis - Hash</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 6:15</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">12 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/smarts/melatonin/">Melatonin</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
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<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 6:15</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 g</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/smarts/tryptophan/">Tryptophan</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
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<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
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<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">160 lb</td>
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I'm a somewhat experienced experienced user of using psychoactive drugs to achieve an altered state of consciousness, including daily cannabis use for about a year, and occasional use of MDMA (perhaps a bit more than occasionally...), LSD, DOx, shrooms, DXM, diphenhydramine, LSA, and 2c-I. I am a very health conscious individual and avoid all the crap food &amp; drinks. I try to keep it organic as much as possible and I walk everyday.
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It had been a couple months since taking LSD at the time of this experience for my girlfriend and myself, and we had also recently moved in together; I'm sure many of you know the challenges that can present. Also at the time of this particular trip, I had been on a regimen of 800mg of Piracetam 3x daily and 250mg of choline &amp; inositol each for about 3 weeks. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I had been on a regimen of 800mg of Piracetam 3x daily and 250mg of choline &amp; inositol each for about 3 weeks.</div></div> I had already begun to notice much easier memory recall, less social anxiety, easier ability to focus on the task at hand, more fluid speech and verbal recall, increased energy throughout the day, less mental haze (I attribute this to slight MDMA abuse), as well as many other numerous benefits with the only side effect ever being a minimal headache.
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<br>
Anyway, on the the trip! I had acquired some white on white blotter my dealer said was supposed to be even better than the Purple Nebulas (or are they called naked ladies? Idk. They were purple with gold chicks all over it looking into a big orb of energy in the middle). I was skeptical as I'd never tried WoW before but my mind was soon to be changed. We had 2 tabs, one for each of us.
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<br>
The saturday night finally came, we both didn't work until late the next day….it was on like Donkey Kong. We both preloaded with 1600mg Piracetam and 250mg/250mg choline/inositol. I also take [brand supplement] daily along with various other supplements for general health.
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T+0:00 (4:45PM) - We drop one hit each. We always put it on each others' tongues, more fun and sexy that way, lol. Held it underneath the tongue for about 10 minutes, and then swallowed….let the waiting begin. Before dropping we had decided once tripping we would go on a walk in our neighborhood to the little nature trail, then decide what we would like to do from there.
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T+0:15 (5:00PM) - First alert. Signs of something additional on top of our weed high.
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T+0:30 (5:15PM) - I tell my girlfriend I can definitely feel something is different; the chemical is beginning to do its magic. We mozy about our bedroom distracting ourselves until it is in full effect.
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T+1:00 (5:45PM) - Things are beginning to breathe. I can sense of sort brightness when I close my eyes that would seem like the beginning of CEV's. Light spots stay in my eyes much longer now, beginning to feel in a very good mood and warm &amp; euphoric all throughout my body.
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T+2:00 (6:45PM) - The past hour has consisted of my gf and I repeatedly laughing hysterically at the most mundane things. We found a toy flashlight in a random box and began looking at the carpet with it. After seeing all sorts of specks of gross looking shit, she stated 'I'm done looking at our carpet.' which seemed like the funniest thing in the world at the time and we laughed for about 5 minutes about it. The various paintings on our walls (done by my gf) are more alive then I've ever seen them. Not merely just paint on canvas, but a collection of emotions created by the artist but interpreted uniquely by every individual. At this point we smoked some hash, and we talked about the effect it had on the visuals. It seemed to make them more….fuzzy and warm. It made me feel like instead of being right inside the maelstrom, I was gazing at it comfortably from the distance; like watching beautiful fireworks from afar while lazing on a private island in the middle of the caribbean with a bottle of rum. Perhaps rum is a bad metaphor to use for LSD though. Lol. I just felt it was easier to kick back and enjoy the trip rather than be hammered by the intensity acid is known for.
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T+2:45 (7:30PM) - We decide we our ready for our walk. We pack a little weed and hash, our pipe, warm clothes, and head out.
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The first thing we both noticed was the energy coming from all the plant life surrounding us. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">The first thing we both noticed was the energy coming from all the plant life surrounding us.</div></div> Even the sky and the clouds were pulsating, the clouds looked like something out of a movie where they show a fast forwarded scene of the sky, and all the clouds are moving and changing really quickly. Like that, but in more slow motion. The edges of the clouds especially were all wispy and watery and just so goddamned beautiful, we had to check ourselves not to look like crazy tweakers (which are ample in our neighborhood) staring at the sky. You know how it is tripping in public. *insert giant pupils here* Also quite fantastic was the effortlessness of walking; it was as if something had taken over the job for us. I was just a pair of eyes riding along on some magical LSD driven legs. The hillsides in the distance are all varying and vibrant shades of green; every time I drive by the same hillside sober it's just a plain old mound of grass, but now it was like everything else, alive. Much like all the trees we observed while smoking our pipe along the nature trail, sitting on one of those sewer entrance things. 'This is like, Avatar status' my gf said. She was right. All the trees seemed to be chanting along with the rest of mother nature, the tops of all of them were obviously pointed east towards where the sun is during the day, and it was really moving to see it. They seemed to be reaching with all their might, doing all they can to absorb every last ray of sun, simply for the miracle of living. It started to get pretty dark at this point, and some noises in the bushes made my gf promptly usher us back into the neighborhood and on our way home, but not before I had the most incredible part of my trip thus far, visually at least. I looked into the sky at the bright half-moon, and the entire rest of the sky from the horizon to the moon were suddenly filled with hundreds of inter-looping circles, all different shades of pink and green and purple. It was as if the entire night sky had transformed into an LSD inspired venn diagram on steroids.
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It seemed the acid was having a trippy effect on the lens glare you see a lot in movies when the camera pans across the sun. We talked at this point about what we would do for the rest of our trip, as going back inside would be quite lame compared to the infinite beauty we'd just spent an hour observing. Body high was fantastic at this point, very warm and happy and energetic; perhaps also because walking in itself can make you feel great.
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T+4:30 (9:15PM) - Back at home, ate some strawberries (my favorite thing that the hash added to the trip was it made it 100x easier to eat, usually it's nigh impossible for me) and had some water, smoked a little weed. Platinum Grape Ape :D It's always fun when I'm tripping on LSD in a room with the lights on and then right when I turn them off it's like 'ohhhh ssshhiiiiitttttttt I'm tripping balls!' it seems to me when I'm on acid that the darkness is the new light and the light is just too much and too intense. Vampire-y if you will. So Dracula was like on LSD all the time. Haha.
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<br>
We talked a little about how we could tell how much harder we were tripping now than before we left to go on our walk. The entire room, including in my peripheral vision, was moving in and out, breathing if you will. The painting that before had only barely moved was now constantly moving in and out, side to side and up &amp; down. Everything was made new again, every sensation and perception, as if we were children again. My entire field of vision was filled with subtle layer of colorful patterning and fractals, somewhat easy to ignore if I chose but definitely present. All the space that I normally associate with 'air' when I'm sober was now replaced instead by a living, thriving field of pure energy. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">All the space that I normally associate with 'air' when I'm sober was now replaced instead by a living, thriving field of pure energy.</div></div> Everything was energy, in one way or another, just different temporary manifestations of it. I think that's how it always is, it's just easier for me to perceive it while in this state of mind.
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The CEV's were random fractal like imagery that gave me the feeling I was being pulled into the center of my own existence, or perhaps the center of the universe, or maybe it's all the same thing. What's that diagram called where you zoom all the way out and you just end up back where you started? I can't remember. There was also a point where I was attempting to get my phone charger out from behind the bed, which my girlfriend was sitting on. I came really close to telling her to move, then the acid helped me stop and think for a second. I had just read earlier in the week about people in relationships blaming each other for their own problems as things progress; I realized I was about to do just that. I put a little more effort into getting the charger out, and after about 10 seconds I got it. Telling my gf to move wouldn't have changed anything, and I felt grateful for the lesson in love (does this sound corny?). Anyway, we decided at this point to drive about 5 minutes away to the beach, and walk along the pier. Our first LSD trip was at a different beach and it was very positive.
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<span class="erowid-caution">[Erowid Note:
Driving while intoxicated, tripping, or extremely sleep deprived is dangerous and irresponsible because it endangers other people. <a href="/chemicals/show_image.php?i=dmt/dmt_contraindications1.gif">Don't do it!</a>]</span>
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T+4:40 (9:25PM) - We arrived at the harbor. The drive there was a little intense, as driving on LSD can be, and I don't recommend it, but hell, we wanted to go to the beach. Anyway, we parked, and had absolutely no idea where to go (we realized on this trip it might be a good idea to explore a desired tripping area sober beforehand, as to not feel like we're lost in the middle of a strange jungle, Jumanji style.) We grounded ourselves and worked up the courage to get out of the car. We walked over to a nice looking bench seated looking out over a bay full of sailboats and other various restaurants &amp; stuff. After we were sitting there a few minutes we decided the noise we were hearing was definitely a seal barking, and I think there was a show going on across the bay. I told her I thought I could make out the trainers directing the seals; but then again who the hell knows (the first time we did LSD at the beach we were tripping so hard we were absolutely convinced that a plane flying by was a UFO. The lights looked massive and weird shaped, and our minds were blown for a few seconds). The seal barking was quite funny though, if that's what it was.
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We sat here for about a while, relaxing and drifting off into the technicolor dreamworld. My vision would be normal one minute, then the next minute 100% of what I saw would be warping and melting and moving and dancing and vibrating, it was all so incredible and euphoric, I absolutely love the visual aspect of LSD. Every time a couple or someone with a dog would walk by on the sidewalk behind us we would just be silent and cling to each other; in a way the fear of other people was bringing us closer. Just like God (lol), acid works in mysterious ways. We left when we decided we'd gotten what we could from this spot, and ventured to get food and water at the natural foods store.
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T+5:15 (10:00PM) - We arrived at the grocery store. This is when the trip began to get a bit gnarly. Before we got out of the car, my girlfriend realized she didn't have her purse with her. We frantically searched the car and concluded we immediately had to go back. We got on the highway and headed back, the drive being about 5 minutes. 5 or 6 minutes later, I realized I had gone the wrong way on the highway! Intensely frustrating. I was a little bummed because I could feel myself peaking but there was no way I would be able to enjoy the visuals at this point. The mission now was to just get the purse, get gas (our low fuel light was on), and go home. We turned around and finally made it back to the beach about 10 minutes later. To our dismay, the purse wasn't on the bench where we were sitting and she had thought she left it. I hoped she was just tripping and had actually left it at home. We drove home, and the purse was not there. We decided she should call and cancel her credit/debit cards, which she did. <!--I'm not sure if you all know how fun talking on the phone is on psychedelics, but that's beside the point.--> We got the cards cancelled and talked each other down a bit; the good news was there was no cash in the wallet. An intense night out, but through it all we only felt closer to &amp; more grateful for each other.
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(an elderly couple who found the purse called later that night. Whew!)
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T+6:15 (11:00PM) - At this point the visuals had begun to lessen in intensity and I could feel things winding down; it had been an incredibly refreshing trip overall. My girlfriend commented that she 'hasn't laughed that much in a long time' as she's been quite stressed from working 7 days a week. We finished off our substantial supply of hash and nug of mary jane, and surprisingly got the munchies and ate some random stuff like cheese and fruit. I took 12mg melatonin and 1g tryptophan &amp; my gf took 9mg melatonin. We laid down in bed and began to feel each others' bodies. Skin feels incredibly soft on LSD, and the sensation of being able to feel every inch of my body is orgasmic. We fooled around a bit and eventually began to have sex; the feeling was absolutely nirvanic. We agreed it was much more fulfilling than sex on MDMA in just about every way <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">We agreed it was much more fulfilling than sex on MDMA in just about every way</div></div>, including the ability to climax. It's just like I could feel every single square millimeter of my nerve endings being stimulated in the most erotic way, I was totally engulfed in a sea of love making and euphoric energy coursing through my body.
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After we had finished having sex and eaten a bit more &amp; smoked some more weed, we laid down in bed. We drifted off gently listening to music around the 8hr mark and woke up feeling incredible;<!--. Anyone who has had an incredible psychedelic journey can relate I'm sure;--> that feeling of everything being perfectly crisp, almost vibrating with the newfound energy we were just a witness too. All my prior problems, fights, worries, stresses….all gone. Insignificant, trivial, not of great importance. The meaning of life to me is to love and be happy, and I feel that loving and being loved are the greatest sources of happiness for humans. Not to mention the feeling of being bonded I get with the people I trip with, sometimes it can feel like we went to war and came back together alive, lol. 'Mmm I get by with a little help from my friends, get hiiiigh with a little help from my friends..' to quote on of my favorite music artists (especially whilst on LSD) John Lennon. Damn I'm stoned right now.
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<!--Hope you guys enjoyed the report as much as -->I enjoyed expanding my mind with this beautiful substance :)
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*One last note, after a few different LSD trips with/without the usage of piracetam, I've come to the conclusion what the main effects it's had for me are.
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With Piracetam -
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- Easier to get lost in the visuals, visuals much more prominent and noticeable, don't have to 'try' - More present and noticeable physical euphoria - Shortens the duration of the trip by about an hour or so - Had a bit of a headache the day after using LSD/Piracetam, usually none with LSD alone.
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I think that's about it. Piracetam has been a really fun supplement to use in combination with all sorts of things. MDMA, mushrooms, caffeine, cannabis, alcohol, they're all great with piracetam. Especially MDMA though. <!--Lol. Peace guys!--><!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2011</td><td width="90">ExpID: 90383</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 21</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: May 29, 2019</td><td>Views: 2,324</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=90383&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=90383&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Relationships (44), Sex Discussion (14), Nature / Outdoors (23), Glowing Experiences (4), Combinations (3)</td></tr>
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<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
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<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.5 tablets</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
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<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
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<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">155 lb</td>
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<!-- Start Body -->
Candyflipping DMT Delerium
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I'm at this point in my life where I am ready to redefine the ways in which I give and receive love. I'm an experienced tripper for almost a decade, who has always embarked upon these journeys in the pursuit of diving deeper into understanding. I'm a little bit confused about who I am. I just switched careers. I'm in love with someone who doesn't love me back, and I'm working through navigating toxic family habits.
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I have arrived at long anticipated 3-day camping and music event, with the ambiance of psychedelia frosted all throughout. I drove 8 hours through the night, to arrive there in the morning and get ahead of all of the hype. I am too excited to nap, yet too tired to party. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I am too excited to nap, yet too tired to party.</div></div> I set up my campsite and run off to retrieve the half sheet of white-on-white LSD that I had reserved. At this point - I decide to take half of an ecstacy pill to keep me jolly, as I've decided that I won't be sleeping today. I wander through the forest and across the fields to where some friends are staying, and I take a tab out of the amount that I had picked up. Figuring... I have candy-flipped plenty amount of times and I always have a very uplifting experience of divinity and wonder.
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It's about 1pm now, the music will be starting soon, and I'm feeling rather strange. I feel the ecstasy coming on with a very warm rolling sensation and I'm feeling the acid coming on slightly as well. I wander over to the stage areas and join in on a session of people on swings and hanging gymnastic rings - inside of a dome that has been set up for the event. As I am inside of this dome, we are all there together, yet - I start to feel extremely disassociated from everybody there. I feel like I am the "other". I try desperately to connect and stay connected but I drift further and further into my own shadow self and deep social boundaries. I cannot avoid them. Still I remain swinging for 2 hours as people come and go. I'm just swinging back and forth for 2 whole hours watching people and myself interact... or at least try. The weather is amazing. Everything is perfect, or at least it feels like it should be. But - something is terribly wrong and I cannot pull myself out. I fall further and further into this deep subconscious hole that just completely engulfs me with no mercy.
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After 2 hours of being alone, yet surrounded by so many people on these swings, I get off without saying a word to the people that have met me there, and I start walking back to my site. Completely ignoring artists that have began to play, I feel completely swallowed by this overload of acid and MDMA in a state of sleep deprivation. I can only describe the next 4 hours as a waking tunnel of DMT and a scrambled identity that hates itself for all of the right reasons. I can't see where I'm walking. On the way back to my site I keep getting lost. I think I know where I'm headed, and I intuitively try to follow paths that only lead me behind vendors and behind the stage areas. Basically everywhere that wouldn't lead me back to camp, and everywhere that nobody would think to go. At one point I stumbled into a complicated mess of wires and generators with no idea of the direction from which I came.
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Somehow, I made it back to camp. By this point I was feeling a very deliberate punishment from my higher self as I feel like every single person at this festival is a rogue double-agent of myself <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I feel like every single person at this festival is a rogue double-agent of myself</div></div>, there to watch and observe me losing much more than just my mind. I was punishing myself for everything. I knew somehow that due to my sleep deprivation I had triggered some form of waking sleep. I felt like I was completely in a dream and my emotions were taking control of everything. In the thick of it, I have a hard time remembering what was actually happening to me but I felt completely lost in a glitch. My reality was falling apart and I didnt know what to do with myself. I felt on an external level that I had actually lost my mind, and this one would really put me in a padded room. On the inside - I was rolling through thoughts and emotions like some severe form of hijacking. Sound was cancelling out and turning into frequencies, in and out. My thoughts were externalizing themselves through the people around me and what I was hearing from my surroundings. Sometimes, I was completely surrounded by what I know was loud music and jolly friends having a good time, and there was only silence in my perception. In my visuals, I saw the beings that I normally see on DMT acting out my emotions through the fractals. I felt touched at all times. I was hearing a very loud voice guiding my thoughts and trying to integrate it back into my own mind because it no longer felt like mine.
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I eventually draped a scarf across my face and stared up at the sunlight for a few hours going through a mass purging of .. everything. My higher realm beings were rubbing down my body and I just kept going deeper and deeper. I had stopped asking for help and I just allowed this to happen. I was being guided by a shape-shifting jester who would guide my emotions and vomit to help me release them. I wasn't throwing up, but I would be bending over in pain as if I was, while he was throwing up in my visuals. Friends and strangers came to ask me if I was okay and all I could reply is "I'm so lost in my own sauce, just let me endure this". The pain and suffering that I had felt from the judgements and emotions that I was harboring, and the vibrations that they create - I felt their true quantum effects. I felt what I had created. All of the pain and sadness that I was holding onto, I felt how it was making me sick, and I had to let it go. I cried and cried until the voice came to me loudly again and said "You are the most amazing one of all because you love everyone and everything without hesitation. You do not stop yourself from loving, but when you do, it hurts you like this. You will see now, that you can only love, and those who cannot love like you, will always look upon you with confusion. You will never be understood like you understand, and that will always cause you pain. This is your curse, and your gift. It is the endless bi-polarity that you will experience, and you must go on loving."
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After I listened to this voice, I started to sob in gratitude for everyone that had been around me, at this entire event to facilitate space for me. I was exactly where I belonged. I finally was able to fall asleep. I learned a lot that day. I woke up the next morning and found the guy that I loved so much, but wasnt ready to love me back. I gave him a humongous hug from behind, I said "I'm so happy to see you, just the way you are". He spun me around and hugged me tight. I said I'd see him later and walked away, feeling completely loved, with no attachment, and at peace. That day was amazing. I felt cleansed and reborn.
<br>
<br>
I now keep in mind that a mixture of LSD, ecstasy, and complete sleep-deprivation catapulted me into the hyperspace of emotional healing that a sleep state would naturally achieve on a much milder scale<!-- through the release of DMT in the brain-->. I experienced mind bending hours of emotional unveiling and purging, my reality breaking down through all senses, and feeling like I was stuck in my own personal dichotomous heaven and hell, forever. I would imagine Ayahuasca to be similar to this experience on some level. I'm super grateful to have experienced this. Stay loving, mind surfers ~<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2019</td><td width="90">ExpID: 113316</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 23</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jul 5, 2019</td><td>Views: 1,882</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=113316&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=113316&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), MDMA (3), Sleep Deprivation (140) : Difficult Experiences (5), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Combinations (3), Festival / Lg. Crowd (24)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">5 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">170 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
This is my forth time dropping acid, and as of right now, my last. This was the largest and stupidest dose I've taken. The setting for this trip was thought to be planned well enough for it to be the perfect setting. It was a Saturday, I was house-sitting for my mom, it was a beautiful day and I was with two of my best friends, B and W, who were my trip sitters. Both are experienced with psychedelics and with trip sitting and whom I feel most comfortable with and have the most trust with keeping me safe as well as keeping me happily entertained.
<br>
<br>
Writing this now it has been weeks, maybe a month or more since the actual trip, and it still haunts me. To get to sleep some nights I have to completely block it from my mind <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">To get to sleep some nights I have to completely block it from my mind</div></div>, and I've also noticed that I've been smoking more weed (when I have it) then before. I've managed to somewhat make sense of what I've experienced but at the same time I’m utterly confused on how some of the thoughts and visions came from inside my mind.
<br>
<br>
On this day I had 5 hits of some really strong LSD. Stronger than I or my trip sitters had anticipated. Originally I had planned on taking 3 hits, but my buddies and I like to make things interesting. I had told them that I might have wanted to put this acid to the test and take all 5. We were all on the edge about it, so to make our decision for us, idiotically, I rolled a die. However it rolled would be the decision of the day, and not that I knew it, but it would be the decision of my life. I threw it on the ground and it landed on a 5 (I hadn't said anything at the time, but I noticed that the die wasn't completely flat and that it was leaning slightly due to the carpet it had landed on). This should have been the sign to roll it again. Before taking the hits we decided to eat something. On previous occasions I had always eaten various fruits just to help my body and my mind feel “clean” against the dirty electric chemical feeling of the acid. Today, we had eaten Kraft Dinner.
<br>
<br>
I dropped all 5 hits on my tongue at once, fucking dumb. We then proceeded to play rock band to pass the time. I regularly play drums and have a real set of drums in my basement, it is my favourite instrument. I play on expert difficulty on the pro drums setting, this is not put here to brag, this is here to compare to my later state.
<br>
<br>
The effects came on quicker than ever before and after about 20-30 minutes after the drop I was extremely lethargic and uncomfortable. I was reduced to playing on medium on regular drums before I became too intoxicated to even move really at all. We called it quits. There weren't any visual effects, but there was an intense feeling of intoxication and fatigue, I could barely hold my body up straight while sitting. Soon I became very sick and there was a strong pain in my stomach, I knew I was going to throw up indefinitely. This is most likely due to the KD. I got up and before I could make it to the bathroom I was puking, and I was struggling to keep it behind my lips with my hands, most of it went in the toilet thankfully. Prior to throwing up my guts I saved the hits, that were only in my mouth for a half an hour, and set them by the sink.
<br>
<br>
After all of the puke was up I was still dry heaving for a bit, which was causing the blood to rush to my head, this was when the first visual hallucinations occurred. The full noodles of the Kraft Dinner floating around in the toilet were splitting in to multiple pieces and spiraling around in place, and the patterns of the floor tiles were swirling about like ribbons but were restricted to each square. The fish eye effect was taking hold as well. B and W handed me a cloth while dodging the regurgitated noodles. I soon stumbled out of the bathroom to join them feeling 200% better. I slumped on the couch and they were smiling and asking me how that went. By this time I couldn't find words for anything, not even one word in my own head made sense to say.
<br>
<br>
English was no longer my language; all I could get out at times was gibberish, literally not even words at all. Like “ergjeruisw” or “gabberesdg”. This made them laugh which also made me laugh, at the time I didn't have enough energy to say words or even care if I did or not.
<br>
<br>
They put on music, handed me a cup of water and kept me well distracted and were playing around with me. W was almost crying with laughter when I attempted to answer his questions with complete nonsense. The visual distortions were absolutely, overwhelmingly awesome. EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING was morphing into millions of spirals, fractals and wormholes. The colours were often so vibrant that the edges of every spiral were a blinding white. The walls were caving in and out and the ceiling was rippling like multiple rapid rivers layering over each other. Though it was extremely intense, I was filled with euphoria and bursts of laughter would escape from me with great forces, it was the happiest I've been in all my life during those moments.
<br>
<br>
I was still fatigued and was gradually getting more and more tired; I thought I was actually going to pass out on LSD. I had never been able to get a lick of sleep when coming down on acid, so I was actually really excited to see what kind of dreams I would have while on a pass out dose of acid. I informed B and W of this, and they began to inform me that they would most likely leave once I passed out because W had to work in a few hours and B had plans later that day. This may seem bad to some people <!-- (your trip sitters leaving only after you just taking the drug), -->but we were not new to this environment and we all knew that I can handle myself fairly well alone.
<br>
<br>
The following events are scattered memories that I will try to put into chronological order and with some explanation as well. Beyond this point I thought I was not only IN a dream but ENCASED in a dream. I was having terrifying visions that I was acting out in real life and that B and W were seeing. This became so intense for B that he was almost crying from stress.
<br>
<br>
During this trip B and W were my safety, and I believed that they were my own blood brothers but that they were also guardian angels, when they were telling me that they were leaving I was unable to imagine surviving without their presence at all times, this was getting me in a panic. They were telling me to lie down and quiet down, not remembering that I told them that I was going to pass out because now that I was in a panic I was nowhere near sleep. I followed their directions though and stuffed my face in my bed, after a few moments (not even seconds) of being still and silent an intense pain of sharp needles surged through me, and I began to sweat. The only way I could stop the pain was to say something, this was the beginning of an inner struggle I've always had my whole life about not saying what’s on my mind, my mom as told me that and my girlfriend hates it when I don’t speak my mind. I don’t know why I can’t, it must be my inner shyness and awkward personality that unable me to easily say what I think. I know I can keep things bottled up inside, and I think this was my subconscious (mixed with LSD), trying to tell me this. So I blurted out loud noises and forgot completely that I was told to be quiet, soon after I would blurt out I would have the realization that I was supposed to be silent. I would then proceed to dive back into my bed face first trying to silence myself. This loop happened a few times, and without noticing I had head bashed a hole in my wall from jumping into my bed, and I became so determined to quite myself that I would grab both of my lips and squish them together, since I had braces at the time I had cut the inside of my lip while squeezing them together and blood was dripping out of my mouth, none of which I noticed.
<br>
<br>
B and W asked me to go to the bathroom adjacent to my bedroom to wash my mouth out. I don’t recall them asking me this. In my mind the room didn't even resemble my bedroom and I couldn't see B or W, it became dark and I can’t remember what exactly I was seeing other than a long and dark passage through what possibly could have been trees or arches. In my mind I was being told to “just go with it, give in to it”. I was extremely terrified so I screamed at the top of my lungs, though I couldn't hear my screams, and ran what I thought was straight through the darkness to the other side (I thought I was in a dream at this point, I didn't think I was actually running or screaming). While running I could feel intense forces of larges branches hitting me in the face and knocking my head around, I didn't feel any physical pain though. Looking back I think the physical pain I was supposed to be feeling was translating into emotional pain and creating more and more darkness and evil. The “large branches” I was running full force into was actually my bathroom door (which I put a hole in). I went straight through my bathroom door and into my bathroom wall on the other side, and running straight into a shelving unit which cut up my forehead in several places. The smashing of the wall created three different holes through the dry wall which cut open my toe, and badly bruised my knee and arm. I fell to the floor where B and W found me. I attempted to get up and clean out my mouth but my motor skills were shot and I just kept rubbing my lip where it was bleeding which wasn't helping.
<br>
<br>
They then asked if I wanted to lie down again, according to them as I have no memory of this, I started screaming again (these weren't normal screams, they were full out, top of my lungs, terrified for my life, bloodcurdling screams) and ran out of the bathroom and tackled B onto the bed, he had to hold my arms back and was yelling at me to calm down, I did. He got up, and since that point B and W realized that I was having very bad and intense peaks because I would calm down for moments, and then later I would begin to scream and hyperventilate.
<br>
<br>
This begins my next memory. I fell off the bed and onto the floor and began to flail my arms and legs around. The ceiling and walls were twirling and twisting and my limbs seemed to be stretching and being pulled up the walls and on the ceiling being twisted with them. B and W got on top of me and tried to physically hold me down for fear of me hurting myself more, and they were trying to talk me down and get me to relax. This is where some deep emotions started to surface, I kept going on about being worried that my brother was home, and I kept saying my girlfriend’s name, repeating this over and over in a weird accent accorded to my buddies. This went on for around 40 minutes. B and W began to silently freak out as they had to leave soon. They had to resort to calling some of my other friends to take over the sitting, D, A, and M came, two of which are straight edge and all of them had not experienced anyone on acid before.
<br>
<br>
Before they showed up I wandered outside my room and tripped over my drum set where I would lay on the ground for the remainder of my trip, being completely awake and still having intense visions but unable to get up. I was having visions of me going insane and running around my house violently throwing pots and pans at my friends and girlfriend and smashing my face repeatedly into the stove (blood was everywhere and my face was mutilated in my vision). I heard sirens and saw flashing red lights, and at one point I actually saw a paramedic above me pressing down on my face with great pressure trying to get the bleeding to stop, my mind visions would zip around like mad from smashing my own face with my fists, and back to the paramedic above me each time I would look and feel more and more mutilated and blood would pour out of my eyes, nose and mouth like waterfalls. I began to think of my brother how I don’t talk to him anymore and how I seem to shut him out of my life, I thought I had killed him in real life but couldn't do anything to stop it because I felt ENCASED in my visions. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text"> I thought I had killed him in real life but couldn't do anything to stop it because I felt ENCASED in my visions.</div></div> I also thought of my girlfriend and how much I loved her, one of the phrases that kept reappearing in my mind was “I hope the single idea of [my girlfriend’s name] does not disappear” then I thought that I had killed my own girlfriend. At one point I saw her standing above me, looking at me with such disappointment that in hurt me greatly.
<br>
<br>
I saw D standing above me looking at me (this was really happening) I had visions of him yelling at me saying “you’re almost there! Nope… he lost it.” Over and over in thousands of loops. My mind would uncontrollably loop the same thoughts of my brother, my girlfriend, and D. No matter what I thought, the loop would continue and I came closer and closer to the conclusion I thought I would never get to. I’m dead. I’m doomed to this loop forever, for eternity I will feel this pain, for eternity I will see the pain on the faces of the people I love. At the very end of each loop I would feel a large needle penetrate through my skull, down the right side of my neck and through my shoulder (writing this makes me cringe because I can still remember and feel the “pinch” of the needle through my neck). I had more visions of me eating and smearing animal feces and hair all over my face and in my wounds and sharp needles prodding into the end of my dick (this is what I can’t explain and it disturbs me greatly). When I eventually came to the conclusion that I was dead for sure the loop stopped and I saw myself lying on the ground with a large pool of pitch dark red blood pour out from the side of my head. All pain stopped. I couldn't see them but I could feel and hear my friends and family standing around my dead body talking. I heard someone say from behind me “Idiot. Why would he do this.”
<br>
<br>
The pool of blood disappeared and I felt like I could move again, I slowly looked up and saw D, A, and M sitting beside me. For some reason the first thing I said was “Did I eat my cat?”
<br>
<br>
From that day on my friends hardly talk to me; some don’t even talk to me at all. I thought I wanted to escape my own reality because I felt alone, what I didn't realize was that I was never alone, but now I am more than ever. I have a harder time talking, and I’m overall more depressed than I was. I've noticed that I can’t process sentences as quickly, and I feel as though I've lost some of my intelligence with that trip. I have seen my dealer since then and told him how messed up it was and he told me that it was a new batch that he had gotten. It was the strongest he had received and that no one he knew of had taken that much of that type of LSD all at once.<!-- Don’t fuck around with acid. Please.
<br/>
--><!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2013</td><td width="90">ExpID: 100628</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 18</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Dec 26, 2019</td><td>Views: 3,182</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=100628&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=100628&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Post Trip Problems (8), Depression (15), Music Discussion (22), Train Wrecks &amp; Trip Disasters (7), Health Problems (27), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 capsl</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(powder / crystals)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">insufflated</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/cocaine/">Cocaine</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 capsl</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(powder / crystals)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 12:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">130 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
A little background: I am a very type A, high-strung person. I am fairly extroverted, and became even more so after getting in shape and losing a lot of weight a few years prior. Drink socially, and my previous drug experience consisted of fairly regularly smoking weed and trying mushrooms approximately 2-3 times <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">my previous drug experience consisted of fairly regularly smoking weed and trying mushrooms approximately 2-3 times</div></div>.
<br>
<br>
I was in the midst of a stressful semester in nursing school. I was living without a roommate for the first time and had been feeling quite lonely. I was chatting with a friend who I had met online a few years prior, but had never met in person (we live in different states). On a whim, he offered to use his frequent flyer miles to come visit me for a weekend so we could get out and have a bit of fun with some molly and acid.
<br>
<br>
Friday: My friend "Nick" arrives and after picking him up from the airport and grabbing dinner, we find a nightclub and get ready. I take my first capsule of molly- I know I took 200 mg total that night, but I'm not sure exactly how many mg the initial dose was. Nick also brought some coke, so we just do a tiny bit of that as well. We get to the club and Nick slips me a second, smaller dose.
<br>
<br>
It's maybe 20-30 minutes later, and I'm starting to feel a little nervous. I'm not feeling the molly yet, and being in a nightclub is a bit out of my element- yet here I am, wearing a tiny dress and heels, face-to-face with Nick for the first time after talking for years. The music picks up a bit, and Nick suggests we start dancing (something I rarely do around other people because I'm self-conscious and have almost no rhythm).
<br>
<br>
Suddenly, the lights swoop upwards in a way I'll never forget, and everything is different. It's like I'm an appliance that someone has finally plugged into the wall. I stop dancing for a second to stare at the lights, the bass of the music making me feel as if I’m conducting electricity through my bones and my skin. I kiss Nick repeatedly, his hands on my body feeling like no one else’s ever have before, and we start dancing again.
<br>
<br>
I felt like we were dancing for days. I could feel the sweat dripping off of me, but I didn’t care. I had somehow become the most beautiful and sexy woman in the whole club. I was convinced that everyone was admiring us dancing, and my heart felt so warm to see other people dancing and having fun around us. I danced like I never had before- to this day, I still wonder sometimes if I actually had rhythm that night or if the magic of the molly just gave me a temporary rhythm. Nick and I were all over each other, his hands creeping under my dress, me grinding my ass into him. At one point, a guy walked past us and said, “You two look so hot dancing together,” and I literally thought I was going to orgasm just from those words.
<br>
<br>
Nick had done molly many times before, so he helped me remember to drink water periodically, and reminded me to chew some gum, as I hadn’t even noticed how tightly I was clenching my jaw. A few times, I’m pretty sure I put my mouth to Nick’s ear and told him how fucking happy I was and how amazing everything was. Eventually it was 3 am, and Nick suggested we grab a car and start heading back home.
<br>
<br>
We got home, and got into bed together. I don’t know if it was the fact that I was coming down, or the awkwardness of sleeping with someone you’ve really just met, but I wasn’t feeling very turned on or sexual at this point. I wanted to focus more on cuddling, and I was starting to get mentally tired. We did fall asleep, but I woke up with the worst case of restless legs that I had ever had. I am already prone to restless leg syndrome on a good day, but this was by far the worst experience with it that I’d had. I had to get out of bed and pace around the apartment for a long time before my legs stopped hurting enough for me to fall asleep.
<br>
<br>
Saturday: We didn’t sleep long, but after waking up and having a light breakfast, Nick and I felt pretty good. He had brought acid with as well, another new experience for me. I don’t remember how many tabs he gave me, but it ended up making for an experience that was not too extreme. We took the acid and then started walking along the lakefront that I lived near (it is a major lake in a big city). The lakefront is open enough that we could keep from being too close to other people, and the scenery is beautiful.
<br>
<br>
We walked a few miles before I noticed small changes. The trees and the water had begun to look more vivid in color, the leaves on the trees more defined. The wind even felt different on my skin, almost like I was being tickled by a giant paintbrush. I stopped to look up at the sky, and it suddenly hit me that we were inside of a living, breathing painting. We continued to walk, while I felt absolutely mesmerized by the sky and the clouds and the leaves on the trees.
<br>
<br>
Suddenly, I was somehow back in a September day back in 2009. It was the day I had gone to an old mill by a river near my childhood home, taken an overdose of prescription pills, and waited to die. Somehow this spring day in 2018 was morphing into that fall day in 2009. Nick had warned me ahead of time that I might feel sad, but to just go with whatever feelings came up during the trip. I turned to him and asked if we could go sit under a tree; this particular tree just felt like where we needed to be at that very moment.
<br>
<br>
We sat down and I started to cry. It was as if these 2 days in 2 different decades had become one day <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">It was as if these 2 days in 2 different decades had become one day</div></div>, as if my emotions from that day of my suicide attempt were being pulled into this acid trip 9 years later. I sobbed as I tried to tell Nick how part of me was back in that day, but none of the words that came to my mind felt right. And it was as if the more I spoke, the more dark thoughts came pouring out of me, like leaks sprouting from a garden hose. I sobbed harder than I ever had before as I told Nick all of my dark secrets- about a sexual assault years prior, about my many years of mental illness and being sent to a group home as a teenager because my parents “couldn’t handle” me anymore, about the deep loneliness and stress I had been feeling. Nick just held me as we sat in the grass, shaking and crying. To this day, I have no idea how long we sat there, but I felt safe in his arms. We eventually started walking again.
<br>
<br>
The living painting effect continued for a few hours as we kept walking, eventually stopping in a park that hung over the lakefront, overlooking the city. The skyline looked like the most perfect city scene I had ever seen, and as Nick held me, I silently wept, feeling more alive and raw than I ever had before. Eventually, although I wasn’t hungry, I found myself wanting nothing but some chewy candy and my bed. We bought some taffy and headed home to lay in bed and watch Netflix. I couldn’t pinpoint any moment that the trip ended; it just felt like a gradual slowing of my senses until we fell asleep.
<br>
<br>
I drove Nick to the airport on Sunday and cried harder than I ever have before when saying goodbye to someone. As he walked into the airport, I told him that I loved him, although it was a feeling of love that I had never experienced before, and still never have to this day. It was almost as if we were connected in some deeper way than a friendship or even a romantic relationship; as if I had given Nick a small piece of my soul. When I got home that night, I wrote him a 14-page letter, describing every emotion I had felt that weekend, every thought I had, how grateful I was to him, and mailed it to him.
<br>
<br>
It’s been over a year since that weekend. I haven’t done any acid since that trip, and while I’ve done molly a few times since, both have been smaller doses with different people in different environments, yielding very different (but still amazing) experiences. However, I feel that this particular weekend changed me, between the molly and the acid. The boost in self-confidence, while slightly faded now, has mainly remained strong in me. My heart feels more open since that weekend- more capable of love, happiness, and strength. It was a life-changing experience that I will forever be grateful for having, and for having Nick to help me experience it.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2018</td><td width="90">ExpID: 113799</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 29</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jan 14, 2020</td><td>Views: 1,578</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=113799&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=113799&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), MDMA (3) : Various (28), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Multi-Day Experience (13), Sex Discussion (14), First Times (2)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
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<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 tablet</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 2:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 tablet</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">125 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
My very first LSD trip brought with it some of the greatest revelations of my life. But for some reason, I can’t recall what most of them were. I made sure to take it the drug in the most supportive comfortable environment possible. Both me and A took two tabs each, while M supervised us, and provided us with activities.
<br>
<br>
I first remember noticing subtle changes in light and color, about an hour after taking the first hit. We lounged on my bed and watched a beautifully animated movie called Spirited Away as waited for the drug to take effect. About two hours after the first tab we decided to take the second.
<br>
<br>
The light that poured in from the window in my room looked strange to me, almost shiny. We decided to move outside to take look around.
<br>
<br>
The sun was warm, and a cool breeze blew into the yard. It was perfect weather actually. 75 degrees Fahrenheit with big fluffy clouds rolling through a rich blue sky. I sat by the pool and stuck my hand in. The water was a little chilly, but I moved my hand slowly to watch the ripples. The water seemed alive. I saw details in it I’d never seen before. Patterns almost. It was at this point I noticed more apparent differences in my perception of reality.
<br>
<br>
I went back inside to have some tea, but the tiles in the kitchen caught my eye. The light from the window poured onto the stone squares divided into the most intricate pattern I’d ever seen. It was like a primitive Escher-like cave painting, composed entirely of simplistic human figures linked together. The figures joined form an spiral in almost every tile on the floor. But looking closer the figures themselves seemed to be made of smaller figures. And they moved, not a great deal, but it almost seemed like they were alive. Dancing maybe. My entire perceptual reality was composed of these tiny fractal figures.
<br>
<br>
Using this new ability to see patterns, I began wandering around the house looking at various textures. I saw these little people in the different layers of the carpet, and in the golden paint sponged on my wall. The colors in the many paintings around the house seemed to melt or move. We made our way outside again.
<br>
<br>
Lying back on a lawn chair I gazed up at the sky. The clouds too were composed of these fractal people, and their movement through the air left me awestruck. I could see all of the layers of clouds above me moving slightly independently of each other. I let myself see a patch of wispy white clouds as the rough outlines of a man and a woman locked in an embrace. As I swept my eyes across the sky, they moved together, fluidly, turning their heads in a subtle but beautiful dance.
<br>
<br>
I began seeing spirals in almost everything I looked at. I began to think that I was a spiral (whatever that means) At this point that we decided to go to the park, with M as the designated driver. We smoked some pot and left. It was about then that I began to peak. Sitting in rush hour traffic was agonizing. The mysteries of the universe were unraveling themselves to me. I understood them, and yet, couldn’t vocalize them. Words were inefficient symbols, that could not possibly convey what I knew. I understood my place in the universe. I knew exactly who I was. How I got there. How everything was connected.
<br>
<br>
For some reason, I began to feel that my death was eminent. That that day was the grand crescendo to my life… Like the discovery of the secret to the universe was finalizing enough to be the end to my entire existence. I became afraid that in gaining this knowledge, by some freak stroke of luck I would die.
<br>
<br>
We got to the park safely, and after we walked around a bit, I peaked. The sidewalks were covered in patterns of spiraling fractal men. Spray painted symbols on the cement glowed neon green and crimson. I was overwhelmed. I hadn’t stopped crying since we got in the car to leave in the first place. I wanted to go home. I had discovered the ultimate answer, and it was too risky to be outside, in public. I needed to survive it, so I could return safely, come down from my high, and tell everyone what I learned. I needed to lie down and wait for the high to wear off.
<br>
<br>
Everything seemed so predetermined. I felt trapped in the spiral of the universe. Everything I was ever going to do was predestined. I was stuck in the paisley fabric existence. Finally A and I were able to convince M that the outside world was “too dangerous” and that we had to head back to home base.
<br>
<br>
We got back, where I was able to finish the trip in peace. If I tried to analyze what “I” was, it was like… seeing the depths of insanity. It gave me a massive headache. I got a similar headache when I tried to think about time. The high grew less and less intense, and slowly I forgot the “ultimate answer” I was so sure I had discovered earlier that day. By the time 2 a.m. rolled around, I was exhausted and finally passed out.
<br>
<br>
Since the trip ended I haven’t been able to stop thinking about the similarities in the behavior of all living things, the question as to whether or not time exists as a measurable flowing force, and the extreme importance of this miraculous drug. Seriously. Why does everyone seem to dismiss LSD these days? That may have been the single most important day of my entire short life.
<br>
<br>
Anyway, days later the details of the trip faded. Even now I can only vaguely remember what it was like to be on the drug almost like recalling a dream. But that trip changed me for the better. I feel like I was able to analyze myself, and better understand the person I am becoming. Regardless of the my little panic attack in the middle, it was an incredibly positive experience, and I would love to try it again sometime.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2008</td><td width="90">ExpID: 72387</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jan 14, 2020</td><td>Views: 1,571</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=72387&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=72387&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : First Times (2), Glowing Experiences (4), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">215 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
<!-- So! What the fuck has been going on, psy? I've missed you fuckers. What have I been up to? I did me some LSD about a week after the downtime started. I'll give you a rundown.
<br/>
<br/>
-->I took 3 blotters, my girlfriend took 2 and my buddy took 2. It was a pretty good time- it started out kinda like shrooms, and we were happy. About an hour into it, I just felt the urge to create. I grabbed a pen and just started drawing on every piece of paper I could find. I still have the pizza box from the incident. The whole time we have some great music going, and it was awesome. This is kinda the part where it turns iffy. Talking to people after the fact, I found out that everyone thought that I was freaking out. I wasn't. I was having the best time of my life. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">everyone thought that I was freaking out. I wasn't. I was having the best time of my life.</div></div>
<br>
<br>
While I was drawing, it seemed to me that I could sense something inside of me.. Like something that had been locked away behind countless doors was being released. Every time a door opened, I would be able to function less and less. I could see the doors in my mind. One after another, I pushed them open. Before long I was just standing in the middle of the room, not moving at all except for a slight shaking from anticipation.
<br>
<br>
Finally, I opened the last door, and lo, what did I see? I saw art. Not like, paintings and stuff. I saw the essence of art. I was filled with inspiration and overwhelmed with emotion. 'Clay!' I screamed. 'I need some fucking clay! I need twice my own body weight in clay!' but no one had any. I became frustrated. Here it was, the dream of every artist. To bear spectator to the essence of creativity, yet I couldn't relate it to physical manifestation. I began to cry. Not just regular crying- sobbing hysterically into my hands. I fell to my knees- and yes, I was frustrated, but it felt so good to cry; each tear rolling down my cheek felt like it was devine nectar to my mortal flesh. But everyone in the room became worried. 'This is bad.' they said. 'This is really bad.' Did they know something I didn't?
<br>
<br>
Suddenly, I went further. Beyond the valley of creative essence..I began to realize things, answers to questions long asked. I was afraid at first at the answers to my questions, but it became clear what had to be done. The entirety of existence was to culminate very soon. I would destroy the universe; undo creation. I didn't want to, I was terrified. But I knew it was an inevitability.
<br>
<br>
As this moment came closer and closer, I began to realize something. I was the only one who didn't know this was going to happen. I looked around at the 10 or so people gathered to watch us trip and they all smiled at me. They had KNOWN. And didn't tell me. I became angry. My girlfriend must have seen this, because she grabbed me and started yelling to me, 'It'll be okay, sweetie. It's OKAY.' <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I became angry. My girlfriend must have seen this, because she grabbed me and started yelling to me, 'It'll be okay, sweetie. It's OKAY.'</div></div> which I took to mean 'It's okay, we know what you have to do. Do it.'<!--
<br/>
I pushed her away and confronted my friend jake. 'You fucking knew, didn't you? You knew the whole time.' He looked at me funny, 'What the fuck are you talking about?' But I knew that he had been keeping it from me. I exploded with anger and punched at him, and grabbed his jew fro. He, being in a much calmer state of mind, threw me to the floor. -->
<br>
<br>
I could tell that the time for existance to be undone was fast approaching, because at this point, everyone's voices were warping. The room became smaller and the walls began melting. I accepted it. I went around to each one of my friends and I just looked at them. There was a small spot in the middle of my vision around which everything began to warp. I knew that the time was here. I looked at the clock. 'It's 7:14. Make a note of that.' I said. I grabbed both of my girlfriend's hands. I thought 'I love you' with all of my might, but I couldn't speak. My arms, without me telling them to, began to move outwards as my vision stretched. The scene was much like that of anaphase in mitosis.. Where the cell splits into two peices. I split, my girlfriend split, the room split. All was black.
<br>
<br>
But I still had conscious thought. 'Where am I?' I thought, and was surprised to find that I could speak. I felt a sensation of floating weightlessly. Soon the blackness gave way to specks of light. They grew brighter and brighter still. I realized where I was. I was in space. But how? I had just destroyed all of existence. I decided that the answer to this question was far too much for me to comprehend, so, seemingly unharmed, I decided to enjoy myself. I soared through the stars, at ever increasing speeds. I orbited planets and skimmed the surface of their bodies of water. I was happy. But then something strange happened. I began spinning out of control. The infinite space surrounding me warped in front of me until they formed an eye. A blue eye. It seemed familiar. Suddenly I was on my bed, with my friend Kevin sitting there. 'Howya doing, buddy?' he asked.
<br>
<br>
I looked at the clock. It was 9:12. I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that my trip would end in about 4 hours. 'This is gonna take a long time. A very long time. This is gonna take a long time.' I repeated, over and over again. 'Yes, it will. But it'll be fine.' Kevin reassured me.
<br>
<br>
I looked at the ceiling and realized there was none. The vast space that I had formerly flown through was still above me. I marveled at it and wondered how this could be real. I realized then that it wasn't. It wasn't real. None of it was. It was all an illusion. I looked at Kevin and he nodded. He knew. And he knew that I knew. 'It'll take along time, but it'll be fine.' he repeated. Suddenly reality began to spin again and I fell into his iris. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">Suddenly reality began to spin again and I fell into his iris.</div></div> What I beheld was the same scene I was just in, except now jake was there. This happened a few times until my roommate, his girlfriend and my girlfriend were all there. 'Oh god, this sucks. This is gonna take forever.' I said aloud to no one in particular.
<br>
<br>
But then I saw it in the back of my head. It was a shining light, infinitesimally small. It was the meaning of life. I could reach it, if I tried. 'The.. Meaning of life?' I thought. I looked around. Jake smiled at me. 'Hey baby'. He said. His face was beginning to warp. His eyes were huge. 'You're funny looking.' I said. 'Is it to be gay? Is that the meaning of life?' I asked. But then I dismissed it. 'No, it's backwards... That doesn't make sense. We wouldn't exist if we were all gay.' I fell into his iris again, but this time, after I returned to the scene, I felt a cool breeze. I understood. The closer I got to the meaning of life, the closer I got to reality. Perhaps the meaning of life was to kill? No, that wasn't right. I unwrapped another layer. Pleasure? Pain? Pain.. That must be it. We must all endure pain to find true happiness. I looked at kevin. 'This is gonna hurt. This is gonna hurt so bad.' He smiled. 'No, it's going to take along time, but it won't hurt. I promise. You're almost there.' He said I was almost there. I was close to figuring it out. It began to dawn on me. 'I've got it!' I yelled. Everyone got up and gathered around. They were excited. They knew I would figure it out. They were waiting. 'It's to create.' I thought. That is the meaning of life. The light in my mind expanded and engulfed my being. A stream of words rushed from my mouth, I having no control over it.
<br>
<br>
<!-- '((My full name here)) 421 washington street at 7:14 pm!' -->I had broken through this false reality. I had peeled the shell. The address and time that I uttered would be where and when matter would be first created. That was the purpose of our existance- of the billions of years that came before. It all culminated in I, an inhabitant of this illusion, this dream world, was to name the time and place for the real world to begin. But now that we had fulfilled that prophecy, what was next?
<br>
<br>
Because we had reached the end of our planned existance, I realized what was going to happen next. It would have to be undone, and done again. We would all live our lives backwards until conception, at which point we would cease to exist. The cosmos would draw closer together until the beginning, and the big bang would happen again and it would all be over. But that meant billions of years in reverse.. Could I take it? 'This is going to take along time!' I said, but it came out backwards. It was garbled. 'No, you'll be fine.' came the voice. It was my friend jocelyn.
<br>
<br>
I looked up at her, seeing the stars behind her through my roofless dorm. 'Hi' I said, weakly. She smiled. 'Hey. How's it going?' she asked. 'Not so great.. This is gonna take a long time.' I replied. 'Yeah, but it's almost over.' she reassured me. And she was right. I watched as brick after brick fell into place, forming the upper walls of my room, and eventually the ceiling. Jocelyn soon left and I sat up and looked around.
<br>
<br>
Was it real? Or was this just part of the illusionary reality? I couldn't remember anything that had happened before that point. Seriously nothing at all. I remembered names, but I couldn't remember my birthday, my childhood, even what I had done in class that week. I got out of bed and looked around. I realized that my girlfriend had been in the bed behind me the whole time. I looked at her. 'I really have to piss.'
<br>
<br>
<!-- And that's pretty much it. I do have a bunch of memories of the night (for instance, my roommate constructing a dough penis for me) that don’t fit into my conceived timeline.. But I’m not sure where they happened. It’s nothing really important, I just wish I could put all of them in order. -->Anyways, my entire trip was about 7 hours total (which was a disappointment). I spent the rest of the night calming down my girlfriend who tripped well into the morning. It remains as the greatest experience I have ever had as a human being, spiritually, mentally, and physically. <!-- I recommend it to anyone who wishes to experience everything your psyche has to offer. -->It was intense, but rewarding.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2007</td><td width="90">ExpID: 68177</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jan 17, 2020</td><td>Views: 798</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=68177&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=68177&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Guides / Sitters (39), Entities / Beings (37), Mystical Experiences (9), Glowing Experiences (4)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 3:45</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.5 tablets</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">90 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
First Time Candyflipping
<br>
<br>
<!-- Hello. -->I'll try to be a bit more technical, almost FAQ-like<!-- x than the usual reports-->.
<br>
<br>
CANDYFLIPPING
<br>
We decided to take LSD with MDMA and follow the suggestion of taking LSD first and then MDMA 4 hours later. We are a couple and we took the same LSD dose but different MDMA doses. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">We are a couple and we took the same LSD dose but different MDMA doses.</div></div> We also took the chemicals with different timing.
<br>
<br>
WHAT SHE FELT?
<br>
She took a stronger MDMA dose with the LSD. Images became extremely sharp. Brand logos on the wall were so sharp they floated, almost like 3D cinema. Colors became very intense, regular dark red became vivid blood-like red. She described my face like a Japanese cartoon, with intense black hair, big eyes and sharp eyebrows. Any facial expression, like a smile, became cartoonish. Other peoples face (ate least 5m away from us) were blurred. She said her hand felt like it was gigantic. Trees started to shake strongly. Instead of waving or dancing, they were vibrating. Stars in the sky moved to one side and another in a quick and vibrating movement. That lasted about 30 minutes. After that the MDMA opened the 'talking gate' and she felt great and started to talk with a lot of love.
<br>
<br>
WHAT YOU FELT?
<br>
I took half of the MDMA dose with the LSD. Things became only slightly sharp. Colors were only mildly stronger, almost not noticeable. Trees were waving slowly from one side to another. Stars moved from one place to another in a slow dance movement. One particular star increased and decreased its intensity like someone where controlling its brightness. Her face did not became like a Japanese cartoon to me. After 30 minutes of this visual dance, the 'talking gate' opened and I also became very talkative with a lot of love to share.
<br>
<br>
WERE YOU SCARED?
<br>
When she felt the first visual effects, she was really scared. Later she told me she was afraid of dying. She did not feel 'death coming' but this feeling was so new to her that she was afraid of heading to hospital. After the first intense wave, the love feeling of the MDMA came and she was relieved, thinking 'wow, this feels so good'. She only used a low dose of MDMA in the past and was about 4 years before this experience, enough to became a virgin again.
<br>
<br>
I had more recent experiences with both LSD and MDMA alone. When I felt the strong wave, I was not afraid of dying, but was afraid of staying too long like this, without the possibility of going safely home. After the wave passed, the MDMA love feeling came in and there was no fear anymore.
<br>
<br>
Now that we both know we were in a very safe dose, far from danger, we can make a new trip and enjoy the 'weird' part of candyflipping.
<br>
<br>
HOW STRONG WERE THE DOSES?
<br>
I took the LSD and the MDMA from the same batch to test drive them isolated before the candyflipping. It was at home so I had a quiet environment to feel any effects. At home, the LSD gave me neon colors, image sharpness and music became really detailed. I did not saw breathing walls or dancing trees. Took about 2h to start feeling 'trippy' and 4h to start the visuals. It lasted about 10hrs total and I believe the dose was something between 25-50 micrograms.
<br>
<br>
The ecstasy pill took about 30m to start its effects. I felt talkative, and with a lot of love to share. Skin touch became strong and music, although not detailed like LSD, became louder and I felt like dancing. It lasted about 3h total. I believe the pill only contained MDMA and I don't know how to precise the dose, but I can tell it was low dose. I had stronger pills before that lasted longer and gave stronger feelings.
<br>
<br>
WHAT WAS THE TIMING OF YOUR CANDYFLIPPING?
<br>
We took the LSD tab at 'time zero'. We did not feel any effects until 3h30m later when we felt 'something different' while drinking water. At 3h30m she decided to eat a whole pill of ecstasy and 15m later I decided to take half of a pill.
<br>
<br>
4h after the LSD and 30m after the MDMA she felt the strong visual effects. 10m later I also felt the visuals. At 4h30m the strong visuals and the fear were gone for both of us and the MDMA love feeling came strong. At 5h30m the love feeling started to wear off for both of us. At 6h00m we only felt a mild 'trippy' feeling and by 7h00m after the 'time zero' any effects were gone.
<br>
<br>
CAN YOU TELL ME ABOUT THE PHYSICAL EFFECTS?
<br>
Before the strong wave there was no physical noticeable difference. When the strong wave came, I started sweating, but she did not. After the strong wave passed, I kept sweating every 30 minutes. It came in 'sweating waves'. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">After the strong wave passed, I kept sweating every 30 minutes. It came in 'sweating waves'.</div></div> We monitored our heartbeat (below the neck). Before the strong wave there was no difference. But when the strong wave came our heartbeat increased (like going up in a stair) for about 10-15m. Then it came back to normal slow pace. We were not dancing or jumping during the strong wave. We both felt a little stomach discomfort a few minutes before the strong wave came in. We felt no hunger at all.
<br>
<br>
WHAT DID NOT HAPPEN?
<br>
We did not saw flying objects. We did not saw melting forms. Neither people nor objects were transformed into other things, like people described 'my friend had a cat face'. Usually people describe this with stronger LSD doses. Environment, despite been sharp, was not pixelated like people described with DMT or stronger LSD doses. Touch was different but floor or walls did not became fluffy. We did not acted weirdly and did not call any attention towards us. Neither of us felt like calling friends or family. Our behavior was very stable. We had no difficulty talking to each other, even during the strong wave. Unlike our first fears, we were able to safely go home 8h after the first dose was ingested. We did not feel any urge to do it again (like people have reported with heroin or crack). We did feel we could repeat the experience, without any rush, at home in a quieter environment.
<br>
<br>
TELL US ABOUT YOUR SET AND SETTING
<br>
We were both decided to candyflip, we had accomplished all of our duties a week prior to the event and we were very much in trust of each other, so our mind was pretty clear by the time we took. We were basically happy. She was 27 and I was 30 at the time, living together and no kids. We had no psychological trauma. We were both in good physical health but we haven't done any exercise in months (we used to go to gym in the past). We took the chemicals on a music festival held both indoor and outdoor at night. There was about 15.000 people and the place was crowded inside but with good space outside. I was a very hot summer night with clear sky.
<br>
<br>
She had dinner 15m prior to taking the LSD and ate nothing after for the whole night. I had an empty stomach when I took the LSD and had a chocolate 15m before the MDMA. We did not take any supplements or medication prior to the event.
<br>
<br>
When the strong wave came, we decided to go outside and lay on the ground, describing the effects to each other. Later, after the strong wave passed, we decided to go back inside and dance.
<br>
<br>
Prior to the event, I tested LSD at home, in a quiet environment. The colors and the sound detail were fantastic, great to listen to music and watch videos. However, at the festival, everything was already strong: Many lasers, blinking lights, extremely loud speakers, fully crowded. Even a simple chocolate ad had glowing neon back light. Because of this I could not notice the LSD effects I felt when at home. The festival was already oversaturated. I could only see and feel the strong wave, with the obvious waving trees and stars.
<br>
<br>
We have never candyflipped and she only used a mild dose of MDMA 4 years before. I had recent experience with LSD and MDMA alone, but not candflipping. I researched a lot but most reports I read just said 'it was great' without further technical notes.
<br>
<br>
However, I took one important piece of advice: take lower doses of each one and use the MDMA between 3h30m and 4h after the LSD dose.
<br>
<br>
WERE THERE ANY AFTEREFFECTS?
<br>
The following day after the festival (and after a 6h sleep) we felt physically tired but mentally happy. Imagine yourself tired after a big concert, but really glad you could see your favorite artist in a rare occasion. Two days later I was physically recovered, but felt really bored, not in the mood of doing anything productive. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">Two days later I was physically recovered, but felt really bored, not in the mood of doing anything productive.</div></div> Maybe it was the 'Tuesday Blues' released by the serotonin depletion. Three days later I woke up with recovered mood. I was so great that I felt happy and energetic because of it.
<br>
<br>
She, however, felt no blues whatsoever. Her MDMA dose was stronger than mine and she had a stronger visual and scarier effect than me, but no blues. It was the first time I felt the blues, and I have never felt it before, even with high doses of MDMA on the weekend. This 'blues' is really mild comparing to the physical and mental effects of high alcohol consumption on the following day.
<br>
<br>
FINAL CONCLUSIONS
<br>
MDMA and LSD together push each other to a stronger, almost new drug. I'd say it's at least 3 times stronger than each alone.
<br>
<br>
During the strong wave, we did not enjoy the music festival and missed a few artists. We were in a mix of scare and wonder for at least 30 minutes and even when the strong wave passed we decided to stay away from music and people for at least 1h, just to monitor ourselves. We will surely do it again, and now, we will be able to enjoy it without fear, since we know we were far from any physical harm. We will also enjoy LSD and MDMA separated, as candyflip looks like a different drug<!-- from them-->.
<br>
<br>
We also will keep enjoying them in different environments: at home alone or at a concert, with or without friends, at day or night. Every setting generates a different trip. We both are studious people and this helps a lot to enjoy new experiences without myths. The more we learn (about anything) and the more we get in touch with new people (and their ideas), the less we perpetuate myths.
<br>
<br>
Some people seem to enjoy the strong wave. <!-- But if you-->If I do not want to be scared by the effects of the strong wave, I<!-- 'd suggest to--> would divide the LSD in two parts, taking one first and the other 45 minutes later. Than, after 4 hours, I would take half of the MDMA and wait 30 minutes to take the other half of the pill. Plus, I would test each drug separately at home from the same batch weeks prior to the candyflip. It helped me to know the base effects and how strong is the dose.
<br>
<br>
Age: 27 (female) and 30 (male)
<br>
Drugs: LSD and MDMA (candyflip)
<br>
Environment: Hot summer night, music festival, fully crowded.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2012</td><td width="90">ExpID: 94670</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 30</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jan 29, 2020</td><td>Views: 2,079</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=94670&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=94670&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">MDMA (3), LSD (2) : Festival / Lg. Crowd (24), Second Hand Report (42), Combinations (3)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 4:20</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 g</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(flowers)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 6:50</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 g</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(flowers)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 6:50</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">20 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/hydrocodone/">Hydrocodone</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(pill / tablet)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">125 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
Ready as I'll ever be (with my new friend LSD)
<br>
<br>
Second use of psychedelics (with the exception of marijuana). Previous psychedelic experience includes a 'Heavy' dose of 2C-E, weighing in at 12mg insufflated. One blotter will be consumed; the tab is expected to be within the 150-220 µg range. The paper was torn off a Rolling Stones sheet. Will be consuming sublingually for 15-20 minutes, then swallowed. The dosage comfortably falls under the 'Strong' dosage, the second strongest dosage category. Feelings of euphoria in association to music and movement are expected, along with a severely altered thought process, CEV's (although I am yet to experience CEV's while under the influence of ANY drug, despite the massive OEV's that occurred during my 2C-E trip), and, if lucky, intermediate OEV's, especially in conjunction with marijuana. I plan on smoking some cannabis during the trip, as it will intensify the trip significantly. In addition to the herb, I have 20mg of hydrocodone, which I may consume to mellow out the trip, if I feel that the effects are too strong. Nausea and diarrhea are possible, although not expected; however the drug will be consumed on an empty stomach, so this should not appear to be too much of a problem. Orange juice was purchased for the trip, and while the effects of either Niacin or Vitamin C potentiation on LSD are likely placebo, it'll probably taste good either way with the marijuana.
<br>
<br>
Dose taken at 11:15
<br>
<br>
T-0:45
<br>
<br>
I post on <!-- www.grasscity.com -->a cannabis forum and play guitar, awaiting the sleep of my parents.
<br>
<br>
T=0:00
<br>
<br>
My parents are in bed and I'm good to go. I slip the blotter under my tongue and browse the web, excitedly awaiting the come up of a drug I've anticipated taking for over a year now.
<br>
<br>
T+0:25
<br>
<br>
I take a final suck on the sheet of paper, then swallow it, washing it down with orange juice. I pray to the drug gods that my LSD is legitimate. I text the person whom I purchased the drug from on AIM (he lives across the country and shipped the drug over via USPS; I have never met him before). He reassures me that I will have a good time, and served the purpose of trip sitter for the most part as my trip was solitary.
<br>
<br>
T+0:45
<br>
<br>
The come up of the drug is beginning to be noticeable. I lay down in my bed for a while. My thoughts become increasingly harder and harder to finish, and I find myself surprised at the quick come up of the drug. What I was expecting to take an hour easily turned into 20 minutes.
<br>
<br>
T+1:50
<br>
<br>
I continue to talk to my dealer and new found friend on the internet as the drug hits me in full force. My new buddy reminds me that I don't peak until another two and a half hours, which I am ecstatic about. He suggests that I listen to Dark Side of The Moon, which is and has been my favourite album of all time for several years now. The computer screen explodes with visuals upon his suggestion. Text becomes nearly illegible as it shrinks and grows on my screen, and the music 'speaks' to me in a way I'd never realized before.
<br>
<br>
T+3:10
<br>
<br>
I begin to feel a deep emotional connection with my new friend, as we continue to chat about a multitude of things. We talk about music, drugs, growing shrooms, MDMA, how everybody should experience LSD at least once in their life, how we'd both lied about our age to sound more mature, thumbprints, and why he was a nice enough person to spend an hour an a half of his life at 3:00 in the morning (for him) to talk to an incoherent person dribbling nonsense while tripping on LSD. At this point, I decide to explore the new dimension of LSD, and say goodbye to my computer buddy. I feel immensely sad that I have to say goodbye to him.
<br>
<br>
T+3:20
<br>
<br>
I decide to finish Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, as I attempted to watch it during my previous 2C-E trip, but became bored half way through. The scene where they huff ether in the circus freaks me out a lot, but is strangely enjoyable, as I embrace my bad trip and turn it 180 degrees around. I decide (on par with some advice that my new buddy suggested) that if I decide bad trips are impossible, they BECOME impossible.
<br>
<br>
T+4:20
<br>
<br>
I eventually get bored with the movie, and decide to smoke some sweet sweet ganja. In retrospect, I think I ended up smoking way too much, considering the fact that I solely buy California medicinal. I packed several bowls in the bong, finished about a gram, and ended up being reasonably lethargic for the rest of the trip. After a while of smoking, I regained consciousness of about 20 minutes of exploring the depths of my mind, bong in hand, unaware of any of my surroundings. A lava lamp consumes my attention, and I convince myself that I AM the lava lamp. Upon returning to Earth, I have a massive giggle fest at the idea of me convincing myself that I'm a lava lamp. Hilarious.
<br>
<br>
T+4:55
<br>
<br>
Prior to my trip, I purchased a Slim Jim and a pack of Sour Straws, knowing that I'd have the munchies from the herb. In conjunction with the acid, eating the food (and OJ) was easily better than the average sober orgasm.
<br>
<br>
T+5:00
<br>
<br>
I decide to post on <!-- www.grasscity -->a cannabis forum, however my posts are largely unintelligible. Somebody mentions that they are extremely jealous of me, and I feel both ecstatic and terrible at the same time. Terrible because I am experiencing something that they aren't, and ecstatic because I'm doing something that people are actually JEALOUS about. That my experience is a worthwhile endeavor that people want to experience but can't. I vow that I will devote a large part of my time and money to allowing people enjoy the great experience that is an LSD trip. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I vow that I will devote a large part of my time and money to allowing people enjoy the great experience that is an LSD trip.</div></div>
<br>
<br>
T+5:15
<br>
<br>
I listen to some tunes on my iPod, and am extremely grateful of the $50 I spend on a real nice pair of ear buds; I find the sound quality amazing. Passed out on my bed, I blast Santana, Floyd, Hendrix, and Aphex Twin on my iPod at full volume, as the music engulfs me. I decide that, while 2C-E was considerably more visual than LSD, acid is much more euphoric in terms of euphoria related to music and movement, in addition to euphoria in general. I decide to dance to 'Soul Sacrifice' at Woodstock by Santana, however my auditory hallucinations kick in, and I become paranoid that my sister will bust my door open and wonder why I'm dancing like a fucking madman at 4:30 in the morning.
<br>
<br>
T+5:40
<br>
<br>
The inordinate amount of orange juice I have consumed has left me with the unbearable desire to pee. However, peeing requires walking to the bathroom, which requires walking past my sister's room. Knowing that my sister is a VERY light sleeper, I convince myself that I will almost definitively meet my sister in the hallway on my way to the toilet, and will get caught by my parents. My solution? Piss in a fucking Listerine mouth wash bottle. Terrible idea, just fucking terrible.
<br>
<br>
T+6:50
<br>
<br>
I lay down on my bed and slip in and out of consciousness for over an hour. Unsure of whether I was actually asleep or just in another dimension, I return to our world feeling considerably more sober. It is 6:05. I am disappointed about my sobering 'sleep' and decide to revamp my trip, convinced that I still don't have to go to school for another several hours. I pack a fat bowl and pop 20mg of hydrocodone, and my trip returns to it's peak.
<br>
<br>
T+7:15
<br>
<br>
It finally dawns on me that school is in a mere hour an a half, and I will be talking to my parents in just a half hour. I nervously pace my room, deciding what to do.
<br>
<br>
T+7:45
<br>
<br>
I pour the Listerine bottle into the toilet, disgusted at the stupidity of my actions, and start a shower. I take an extended shower, trying to delay talking to my parents as much as possible. The hydrocodone hits me like a brick wall and (with my new nearly zero opiate tolerance) I feel absolutely FANTASTIC. I manage to leave the shower only ten minutes before my carpool arrives, and I speak only two sentences to my parents before my departure. Life is awesome.
<br>
<br>
T+8:25
<br>
<br>
I blast music from my iPod on the trip to school. Music remains amazing.
<br>
<br>
T+9:00
<br>
<br>
I am forced to speak a presentation in my first period class, Anatomy and Physiology, while still tripping VERY hard. Scary as hell, but I manage to make it through the period without completely losing it. Nobody in my class suspects anything (the misinformation of LSD is astounding, many would have severely disapproved of my actions had they known). I feel like a bad ass.
<br>
<br>
T+9:55
<br>
<br>
Precalculus. I begin to feel ever so slightly more sober, although it's likely just the weed wearing off. The acid is still going strong, and the hydrocodone buzz feels very nice. Math is near impossible while tripping, and despite some saying that abstract concepts in math are easier to conceptualize under the influence of LSD, I simply find the numbers maddeningly confusing.
<br>
<br>
T+11:00
<br>
<br>
To my strong surprise, I am still tripping reasonably hard. My next class is Advanced Placement Art. I draw a large psychedelic painting of a lava lamp and mushrooms, labeled 'EAT ME' on the stems. I stencil 'Turn on, tune in, drop out' in a large psychedelic font over the front. Art is amazing.
<br>
<br>
T+11:55
<br>
<br>
Next class is P.E. The acid is severely diminished towards the end of 3rd period, and I remain reasonably sober for the rest of 4th period. Lacrosse is fucking awesome though.
<br>
<br>
By lunch, I was solely in the afterglow of the trip, and had almost entirely sobered up. This remains to be one of my most life changing experiences, and I found the drug considerably more spiritual in comparison to 2C-E. The visuals were nothing to write home about (with the exception of when I listened to Dark Side of the Moon) however I'm convinced that taking more than one blotter would fix that minor complaint in a heartbeat. I plan on waiting another two weeks at least before my next dose, however I can see how self control would be hard with a drug as amazing as this when a ten strip is in your possession. I will soon be acquiring a large amount of money due to a business venture of mine, and I've decided that, with the exception of the cash I will use for more psychedelics, it is my goal to use the left over money to spread the love of psychedelics to as many as I possibly can. It is a new life goal of mine to be a patron saint of LSD. My experience was profound in every sense of the word.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2009</td><td width="90">ExpID: 82792</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 16</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Feb 4, 2020</td><td>Views: 1,856</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=82792&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=82792&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Various (28), Music Discussion (22), Glowing Experiences (4), First Times (2)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">buccal</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/tobacco/">Tobacco - Cigarettes</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-substance">Estradiol</td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">260 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I'd been curious about trying acid for a while, and my friend Cheng - an experienced tripper - invited me to join them, along with Mark and Shel, in trying it, asking only 10 bucks. I'd used low doses of mushrooms twice before, and found them pleasant, so I was expecting similar <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I'd used low doses of mushrooms twice before, and found them pleasant, so I was expecting similar</div></div> - a good feeling and interesting thoughts for about five hours.
<br>
<br>
I arrived at Cheng's about 3, the scheduled time, feeling nervous in the giddy way - not afraid, just butterflies. Mark and Shel ended up being an hour late, which irked me, but I brushed it off. They all took two tabs, and I took one out of caution - I asked if I should chew or swallow it, and none of them gave a conclusive answer, so I did both - I tend to indulge.
<br>
<br>
I didn't feel much for the first half hour, but then felt a bit of a come-up. Everything seemed very beautiful (Cheng's backyard is lovely) and at around an hour in I joined the others for a joint; I had quit weed, having been a stoner for a couple years and not being able to handle it, but it sounded nice. The taste was amazing, and the feeling of inhaling the thick smoke was better than it had ever been - breathing turned out to be a common theme of my trip. I also smoked a couple cigarettes, though I don't generally smoke. They were also lovely.
<br>
<br>
About 90 minutes in, Mark started to do some interesting and purposeful dancing in the garden, which I was awestruck by. The other two went inside and started playing and chanting monastic-sounding music, which amplified the divine atmosphere I was feeling. I felt completely at peace, bowled over by the beauty of life and everything in it. I wanted to strip and lay in the grass, but I didn't want to be rude, so I walked around barefoot for a while, then sat and looked at the sky.
<br>
<br>
3 hours in - it got dark, and I started feeling uneasy, so I went and laid down to try to sleep it off; I figured it would wear off in the next couple hours, and I felt tired. However, I suddenly was struck with an upset stomach, and ran to the bathroom - I would be in and out of it several times. At this point, I can't give an accurate estimation of the time elapsed, everything felt like it took forever and no time at all. I'd been warned that restrooms on psychedelics can be unsettling, but I really didn't think about it - I was staring into the mirror and marveling at my own beauty, which is nothing new. The only strange thing was that my penis was entirely numb; speaking as a trans woman, this was not an unpleasant development.
<br>
<br>
During my in-and-out bathroom trips I steadily declined in mood, becoming legitimately scared. I can best describe the feeling as the drug shoving me underwater and holding me there, then pulling me out and wringing me like a cloth, then repeating. It was terrifying. My compartmentalization of past traumas and current anxieties was completely gone and I was thinking about everything at once. It felt like a panic attack minus the loss of control - I was feeling all of it, but I could still move my body and talk. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I was feeling all of it, but I could still move my body and talk.</div></div>
<br>
<br>
I laid down on the couch after my stomach was calm and proceeded to sleep and wake alternately countless times, instantly zapping from one section of conscious thought to another, demarcated only by the changing of light from the windows. I recall waking to Cheng over me asking if I was okay, and I said "no" then got pulled under again, then woke and he was cackling and offered me a Xanax - which I batted out of his hand from fear. My most vivid memory of my entire trip was waking up from sleep and facing a 200 foot tall dragon, who I understood to be the mother of life, chastising me for doing drugs to try to improve my life. She - I am serious - called me an "idiot".
<br>
<br>
At maybe 11 or 12 the intensity had gone down slightly - with minutes between being "pulled under" instead of seconds - so I got up to check in with my friends and ask if I could sleep in a bed, and while outside the garage that they were smoking in I heard one of them ask "do you ever think maybe you shouldn't do drugs?" and the other two agreed; this angered me, made me lose all respect for them in that moment, and filled my head with violent thoughts. I was uncomfortable with this. Cheng led me to his bed and told me to come to him if I needed anything.
<br>
<br>
I tried to sleep, but I was still terrified, and still got sucked in every few minutes - 10? 15? - so I went downstairs and said I was going to drive home. They convinced me not to, but one bought me an Uber home, so I took it and went home to bed with my girlfriend. She was very worried for me, and I was acting in worrying ways - I kept waking up moaning and yelling, and at one point I said "I think I need a hospital" before falling back asleep. It took a serious toll on her and I still feel awful.
<br>
<br>
I had work at 11 the next day, but I needed my car, so I called in sick and rode the bus to pick up my car. I was still tripping mildly - dissociated and some visual distortions - losing time. The bus ride lasted forever and was over instantly. I walked to my car, and drove home, which was unsettling, but I put on "Front Seat" by Sadao Watanabe and felt better. I almost cried listening to the sixth track.
<br>
<br>
I felt wrung-out, chewed up, run over, destroyed. My body ached entirely and my mind was throbbing. I needed comfort while my girlfriend was at work, so I called up an old friend and went to a diner with them. This cheered me up somewhat, but didn't help my body, so I drove them home and took myself home. At this point the intended effects of the drug were gone - no distortions, time was stable, my brain was working more or less normally - so I'll wrap up.
<br>
<br>
I didn't feel back to "normal" for two weeks. To this day - more than six months later - I can no longer handle violent images, nor people describing trips, nor looking at "psychedelic" patterns, as it triggers a feeling in my mind that tells me I'm about to be sucked into the trip again, and I am filled with the fear that I'm going to scream and babble and convulse. I truly think that this trip was the most traumatizing thing that I have experienced, which is a high bar to crest. I have been altered irreparably.
<br>
<br>
<!--If you are considering trying LSD, please understand that there is a chance that you will be a different person afterwards.
<br/>
<br/>
------
<br/>
<br/>
TO EDITORS/SITE: I'm sorry if this is long-winded, and if you need it pared down or things changed, please feel free to contact me. Aside from changing the names of my friends, I have been as plain and honest as I can.--><!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2019</td><td width="90">ExpID: 113942</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 23</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Feb 18, 2020</td><td>Views: 1,797</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=113942&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=113942&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Hangover / Days After (46), Difficult Experiences (5), First Times (2)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">8 drops</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">160 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
<span class="erowid-caution">[Erowid Note:
Driving while intoxicated, tripping, or extremely sleep deprived is dangerous and irresponsible because it endangers other people. <a href="/chemicals/show_image.php?i=dmt/dmt_contraindications1.gif">Don't do it!</a>]</span>
<br>
<br>
Herein I relate an experience I had in the fall of 2012 with my girlfriend - we’ll call her O. It was something we had talked about doing for some time, although the immediate decision to actualize our intentions was fairly spontaneous.
<br>
<br>
I had acquired a few months prior a partial vial of LSD disguised as Sweet Breath breath freshener - a real Sweet Breath bottle with real Sweet Breath and also real LSD. Not knowing the exact strength of what we were dealing with we had previously tested a smaller dose and experienced minimal effects, possibly relating to haven taken psilocybin mushrooms the night before. I can’t speak for O but I felt like I was starting to trip and then didn’t although I found myself acting a bit more of an asshole than usual the rest of the day. I decided that the LSD must have been degraded, having traveled too much already, and wrote it off as a loss. She later took some of the same sweet acid and reported a strong experience; hearing this I was ready to give it another go around.
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<br>
At the time I was 22 years old and O was 21. We were deeply in love with one another despite some idealogical differences which would later play a part in the crumbling of our relationship. My skepticism vs. her spiritualism. I had maybe a month recently been laid off from constructive labor on good terms and was just beginning to take steps toward radical self-employment, which in retrospect put me in a place of some insecurity as to my own self-worth. I had been relatively happy with my work but hating intensely the prospect of opening myself (in my mind) to near-certain rejection or usury was unwilling to seriously seek re-employment. I wanted to believe that the wave of well-being I had been coasting could continue to carry me but would later find out otherwise. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I wanted to believe that the wave of well-being I had been coasting could continue to carry me but would later find out otherwise.</div></div> I had a good number of experiences with various psychoactives including LSA under my belt but had yet to experience a strong acid trip.
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Before I go any further I’d like to point out that I/we made some fairly reckless decisions over the course of this trip and were very fortunate that nothing worse came of it.
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I don’t recall what we did earlier in the day before we tripped, or exactly what time we started, so any ideas of time I describe are approximate. We were at our apartment together later in the afternoon, maybe around five o’clock when we decided that this would be the day we dropped the last of the acid together. We made our preparations, probably dosing around 5:30 or 6. O took 6 to 8 drops and I took 8 myself. I noticed that there was dried residue caked around the mouth of the dropper and licked all of that as well. In terms of dosage that could have been a little or a lot and I was definitely asking for what I got. Following our plan, immediately after dosing I drove us to a nearby park with an impressive gorge - a beautiful setting indeed and one with which I have been familiar most of my life. On the way I decided to stop and pump some gas about a mile down the road. Getting out of the car I realized I already felt a strong stirring - I realized this was going to be one hell of a trip. I got back in the car and we drove to the park as I related my realization and O told me it had been the same with her previous strong experience.
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<br>
Soon arriving at our destination, we parked at the upper end of the gorge and started onto the trail. O was nauseous and vomited; seeing this I soon followed suit. Probably more from the sweet breath than the acid. We were obviously high enough anyway and both knew it. We proceeded to an open rocky ledge overlooking the gorge with a chain link fence right at the edge of a sheer cliff 50 feet down to the creek below. Here O (who was more experienced than me in really tripping hard) related some basic thoughts: stick together and limit interactions with strangers to a smile and a nod. As we went onward I immediately violated the first of these as she hung behind while I kept walking. Realizing my mistake I stopped, only to see her skip past me surrounded by a kind of aura - almost like she was jumping rope with the whole world. In my mind she had just knowingly blown my mind and I was impressed with her mastery of this somewhat unfamiliar space. We continued down the trail.
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Coming down a slope, following the rim of the gorge, I began to notice that I was seeing the world in generic terms. I would see three of the same tree. Or a tree or bush made up of the same repeating “segments” of vision, perhaps each scaled differently. I found this sensation fairly disconcerting and instinctively stopped walking, feeling as though my body was moving dangerously ahead of my awareness. When I stopped moving, my world “resolved” into the true images of the objects around me. My interpretation was that I had entered a state of such overload as to max out the computational power of my brain and was unable to visually process the world even at walking speed. It seemed to me in this moment that my normal mental faculties were no more a part of the conscious “me” than my arms and legs.
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Getting accustomed to my newfound uncertainty of the identity of objects only yards away, I continued walking with O. My thoughts drifted to the cosmic scale of matter. I was at once infinitesimally small and incomprehensibly large and complex, a meeting in the middle of extremes of scale far outside my meager capacity to compute. Walking side by side with O and holding hands, I considered us from my newfound cosmic perspective. It seemed I’d partially crawled out of my narrow human perspective into one more flat and objective and began to see everything in a new light.
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I was struck with some unkind thoughts about the nature of my relationship with my mate, O, basically amounting to a realization that I was far more interested in sexual than spiritual union with this being. She deserved better. This was not what I wanted to think about and I pushed it out of my mind.
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Understanding for the first time so clearly the extent to which I was essentially surfing on top of untold compounding chaotic interactions, I had a somewhat egotistical vision of myself swinging through space, my head barely missing fatal contact with some large mass of rock inspired by the gorge-ous setting. This is who I am! I swing this close to certain death because I know I can miss it! Fuck yeah! Looking out over the gorge with its majestic waterfall, my hands on the top rail of a chain link fence, I saw the world in a kind of strange clarity as never before, zooming in on my understanding of various entities, my intellect running wild full tilt and boring into objects with unprecedented focus. I felt more alive than ever. The skin on my arms crawled with strange crackly orange blisters, which failed to disturb me because I understood it was only a trick of my pied eyes. I felt powerfully a feeling characteristic for me of hallucinogen intoxication that I can only describe as the raw sensation of the recursive. Grasping my love with all my mental strength I said aloud for me and O to hear, “This is the best day of my life.” In that moment I truly felt and believed it. Not a thought experiment I would care to repeat.
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We continued walking; O fairly casually reminded me that the park closes at dark so we should think about heading back. This got me thinking about the repercussions of staying late and the authorities who might enforce them and my thoughts turned to hardness: I decided I was ready to stand and fight injustice with all my strength. The day was turning dusky as we moved into the shadow of the woods growing up to the rim of the gorge. O stopped us to converse. I had a vision of planes, circles, and comets of colored light whirling around her as her upper body floated goddess like in space, blotting out my awareness of anything else. I saw her reminiscent of a mechanical fortune teller at a faire, the ultimate dispenser of all knowledge. We may have had some conversation I cannot recall before she reiterated her desire to head back. I agreed and we began to retrace our steps.
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I took stock of my powers of cognition. I tried counting and didn’t reach ten. Simple shape concepts were a blur. I was somehow cognizant enough to be fascinated with my lack of cognition. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I tried counting and didn’t reach ten. Simple shape concepts were a blur. I was somehow cognizant enough to be fascinated with my lack of cognition.</div></div> I saw two spirals connected into one line spiraling inward at both ends, a shape like a rolled scroll in cross section or a slice of mushroom cap. The line scrolled back and forth, rolling into one spiral and out of the other and then back again. My vision became consumed with a geometric arrangement of these double spirals, all scrolling back and forth. The magnitude of the spiral was known to me as a large number and represented my mental energy or life force.
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O stopped again to speak, this time suggesting that we jog back to the car to arrive ahead of the encroaching darkness. This seemed like a good enough plan to me and we started to run along the trail. As I moved faster my sense of reality waned. Something slipped and I was running from the police who were chasing me in a mob of what seemed an entire SWAT team, assault rifles drawn. It happened so fast I didn’t have a chance to think. This was the moment when I forgot that I was tripping, that I had taken anything to alter my state of mind. These cops were real and they meant business. I was going to be locked away for life or shot dead on the spot when they caught me and all I could do was to keep running. At this point my vision was more imagination than reality. Such was my horror that I couldn’t will myself to turn my head and face my pursuers, but my field of vision had expanded to 360º and I was watching the cops through the back of my head as much as looking forward. In a blackout frenzy I charged through the woods, shorts, sandals, and all, crashing heedless through brush and fallen branches I neither saw nor felt as they tore my shirt and my skin. The spirals throbbed in my mind, scrolling less and less, lower and lower. In the darkness the trees flashed with red, blue, and white light. I was exhausted. My physical energy ran out and I stopped for a moment before crashing onwards. When I stopped again, I could feel the thought police closing in. I was finished. The spirals scrolled 5. 3. 2. 1.
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I knelt on the ground, utterly spent, waiting to be shot down, cursing the reality that would include an entity so vindictive as to end me only for harmlessly infringing on its absurdly petty rules by staying in a public place after dark and intoxicating myself with forbidden substances. Just as I braced myself for the inevitable I heard O calling my name through the trees. Sitting still, my nightmare focus broken, I roared her name back at the top of my lungs and ran to her call with renewed strength. When I reached her my condition was obvious. (I was unaware at the time but my clothes were torn and I had cuts all over my body with blood running down my face. The way O kept her head through this was commendable.) The woods were dusky but not dark. O handed me a crystal she had with her to give me something positive to focus on. There was a bit of tension here as I did not hold with her metaphysical beliefs concerning such objects and I initially set the crystal on the ground, only to see it swallowed by the leaf litter. Digging frantically I was able to recover it before it was gone for good and she handed me another. Under the circumstances I was willing to try almost anything to get back to a more positive frame of mind.
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O started speaking in another language (later she confirmed that she did actually break into her own made-up language, but at the time I interpreted it as a total transformation of reality). As she spoke in this foreign tongue I saw her morph into a kind of red skinned Asian Indian-esque she demon with claws, long pointed teeth and slitted eyes - the works. I couldn’t understand what she was saying but read her tone; the feeling that came across was anger at how I’d betrayed her by having such a bad experience. Then she was back to her normal still-loving self, speaking in terms I could understand and urging me to focus on the crystals &amp; light &amp; love. She switched back and forth several times; I found this somewhat disorienting. After a while of this we got up and walked lost through the woods, finding ourselves shortly on a nearby road.
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<br>
Luckily we got headed in the right direction. My fear was ebbing away, as was the intensity of my intoxication. The spirals in my mind were back into bigger numbers. The whole world flashed or shifted through different color tints, different feelings. Some felt good and some uncomfortable and I let them all pass me by. In time we came to a fork in the road where again I steered us in the right direction with false confidence and blind luck, perhaps guided by unknown intuition of the land I’ve known so long. Night fell. When we got back to the parking lot there was a car beside ours with two forest rangers who were probably curious as to my mauled appearance, not to mention the echoing screams we’d uttered earlier. O reassured them and told me she was good to drive so I handed over the keys to my car and she took us home.
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<br>
Coming into the bathroom of our apartment I was shocked to see for the first time the state of my disrepair. I was fucked up pretty bad with cuts, bloody all over, and so sore in my joints that for days after my movements were slow and painful. O ran a bath and we cleaned up together before going to lie in bed while we finished coming down. Our indoor cat who she’d taken from a friend came and hung out with us. This cat was a serious prick with lots of issues but for once I actually felt connected with him rather than pissed off. I was able to smile and laugh about the insanity of what I’d just experienced now that I realized it hadn’t been real and we were safe and sound enough. I even got a bit prematurely nostalgic in my mind and loved myself for smashing through the whole experience so hard. Just doin’ what I do best.
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<br>
It’s been two years and a couple of visits back to the park where I retraced my steps and I finally feel like I have the space to properly relate this experience. My relationship with O didn’t last a year after and I think that partly has to do with the way we interacted surrounding this particular trip. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">My relationship with O didn’t last a year after and I think that partly has to do with the way we interacted surrounding this particular trip.</div></div> She wanted to hold how she’d “saved” me over my head to convince me of her spirituality’s validity and I wouldn’t have any of it, which unfortunately meant we never got to have a real conversation about what happened. I thought she contributed a lot of good but also some bad and that it was unreasonable to pick the thing apart when her influence had been written in every aspect of it right from the start. Some of the scary stuff has crept back into subsequent experiences with psychedelics and I feel like I have to watch myself more closely after slipping unwittingly into such a dark place. I guess all in all I got what I came for and the whole experience was fairly personal and characteristic of me; certainly having gone “all the way down the rabbit hole” so to speak has diminished my hunger for more of the same. I guess you could say I crossed that one off my bucket list. Not to say I wouldn’t go there again but I no longer feel any sense of urgency in that direction.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2012</td><td width="90">ExpID: 104379</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 22</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Mar 31, 2020</td><td>Views: 1,329</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=104379&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=104379&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Difficult Experiences (5), Relationships (44), General (1), Public Space (Museum, Park, etc) (53)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.33 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:40</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.67 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 2:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/tobacco/">Tobacco - Cigarettes</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">135 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
This was my first time taking LSD though I've smoked weed heavily for the past 6-7 years and very very briefly tried Vicodin and Adderall so I'm familiar with drugs.
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Preparation: I lit two candles, turned on the Christmas lights I had strung up and wrote myself 3 notes. They said "Don't worry, (My name) it's just acid, enjoy", a note on my front door saying "(My name) please don't go outside, love you" and a longer note for if I freaked out. Lots of different foods and snacks to eat just in case. Different playlists for different moods. My roommate also gave me this kids toy, a bunch of rainbow ribbons attached to a spinner, and when you spun it it looked like a soap bubble with all these different reflections and shapes. Very glad to have had that.
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4:45 PM: Took 1/3 of the tab, and texted my brother to let him know what I was doing just to make me feel safer.
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5:40 PM: Began to feel the slightest euphoria. Nothing too strong but I found myself laughing at things harder, smiling a bit more, enjoying the music more, etc. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I found myself laughing at things harder, smiling a bit more, enjoying the music more, etc.</div></div>
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6:00 PM: Feelings hadn't really escalated any so I consider taking the other 2/3 of the tab but decide to give it another 30 minutes as I heard it could take 1-1.5 hours to kick in.
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6:25: Even the slight euphoria had seemed to diminish so I figured 1/3 of the tab was too little for a real experience, take the other 2/3s.
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6:45: Go outside to smoke a cigarette. I said I wasn't going to leave the building but I was still feeling 100% in control so I figured no harm, I'll head in if I feel it coming on.
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7:15: Texting my brother and listening to various music, enjoying spinning the spinner when I notice my screen starting to look kinda funny. Various parts of the screen are ballooning up and deflating. Out of the corner of my eye I see little squiggily lines.
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7:45: Talk to my roommate for a while, he had tripped a few times before. Tell him I'm surprised how subdued it is. It's like being high on marijuana kind of, only with minor visuals, plus I can go back and forth between high and sober mind. Realize why it's probably such a good creative drug. You can use the high side of your mind for ideas and inspiration, but you're still there enough to edit without loosing the flow or atmosphere that was inspiring you.
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8:00: Decide that I'm fine to go outside as long as I don't wander out of sight of my house. Mostly sit down and watch the clouds as the sun began to set. The clouds brought out the strongest visual effects, I think because they naturally were moving which coupled with the visuals to give some more serious movement and distortion. Probably watched for a good 45 minutes just sitting on concrete steps with people passing. Played with the spinner toy more. This was the most euphoric part of my trip.
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9:00: Begin to get more philosophical, have a nice long chat with my brother while listening to music. Going back and rereading the texts I sound very sober minus the themes of what I'm talking about. I had no problems writing the text or with misspelling or dumb ideas like weed an alcohol texts usually give me. I'm also full of energy. Between texts I just think mostly various thoughts. Also realize how crucial music is to moderating my mood. Had a few spots where I began to get paranoid or sad but I'd realize it was because I paused my music or the wrong song came on, and I'd change it and bam, back to happy.
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10:30 PM: Realize at some point in the last 30 minutes or so the visuals had almost entirely gone away.
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11:00 Decide to venture slightly further from my house. Walk out to the main street (very busy) and love seeing all the people going about their lives. Bum a light off a random person I pass and tell him I love him. I knew then it was corny but it just felt right. I felt open and so full of love I didn't care if it was corny. I see revelations in everything I think. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I see revelations in everything I think.</div></div> I crossed the main road two times and afterwards decided it was because I needed to see if I had the courage to cross the roads while on acid. Maybe subliminally it was why I did it.
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11:30: Back to my house, began to get bad vibes from all the homeless and drug dealers in the streets. Their lives seem so sad and I feel helpless. One asks me if I know where to get heroin or meth so I go inside.
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12:00 AM: Try to put on the Office but keep finding myself sidetracked by just thinking or else just content thinking.
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1:00 AM: Finally put on The Office and lie in bed. Feel like I got everything I wanted out of the trip and more, but now it's time to stop thinking. No more words, they had become tiring. My brother went to sleep around 12:45 so I felt slightly alone in the world without anyone to talk to. I can tell it's mostly wearing off. Have slight paranoia that I'll be high forever because I feel sober, but different. Realize there is this voice in the back of my head. It's me, but not quite. It's a better version of me. He doesn't always give me the answers but he knows them. It's almost like my conscious. I wonder how the spinner works to make the beautifully colorful lights. In the back of my head he tells me how. When I google it he's right.
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~2:00 AM: Fall asleep sometime around here.
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Next day: Wake up after 9 hours of sleep. I feel very content but still exhausted.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2019</td><td width="90">ExpID: 113482</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 23</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Aug 31, 2019</td><td>Views: 2,256</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=113482&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=113482&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Personal Preparation (45), First Times (2), Alone (16)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(gel tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">150 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
At 8 o’clock on a warm night in May, my boyfriend T (pseudonyms used) and I started our drive to the city to go pick up some acid for a trip that we had just decided to take on a whim. A little while into our drive, he grabbed my hand and told me that he had a really strong, uneasy feeling that something was about to happen. I always trust these sorts of feelings, premonitions I think, and I assured him that we would be extra careful on the drive there. As I get into the actual trip, I think it is important that I preface this with a little background on our relationship so that you can get a better picture of why everything happened. T and I met when we lived in different countries and have dated since then almost entirely long distance. About a year and a half ago we met completely by chance (now I believe it was fate), and he eventually moved 1,100 miles away from home to be with me. Against all odds we are together now. He is my best friend, the love of my life, and that I already knew. Him and I have been able to trip together several times now, and though I feel that we have both had intense experiences that have made us undeniably respect the power of psychedelics, I couldn’t have imagined where the night would take us.
<br>
<br>
A little before midnight when we got back into town, we both took right around 300ug in gel tabs and let them dissolve in our mouths on the short drive back to my apartment. We put a pizza in the oven, and about 35 minutes after we took the tabs I slowly began feeling a slight buzz; a familiar intro into the come up. I began to notice my eyes softly pulling and twirling the pattern of the granite countertop. We both love the visual experience that we get from smoking while tripping <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">We both love the visual experience that we get from smoking while tripping</div></div>, and I had some GOOD fucking weed to roll (like seriously Cookies level all purple and white). So we decided I should probably go ahead and roll a blunt before rolling became too much of a challenge. We ate, and I put the couple gram blunt at my bedside for when the time was right.
<br>
<br>
Nothing was incredibly interesting at first, T and I both felt our chests getting heavier, and I felt my body becoming very edgy as per usual before a trip. A little time passed and I began to have some slight visuals, something like faint, technicolor static rings, morphing around in little patterns on the walls and ceiling. For the first two hours, everything in my room had a slight tinge around it like this. We both felt a bit looney tunes, as if we were just left of a great mood, but nowhere near a bad one. Mostly I danced around the room, singing to T. Somewhere a little after 2 we completely stopped having any visuals, our mood steadied off, and we then proceeded to start talking shit on the acid. T was beside me on the ground not feeling anything, and while attempting to hold onto hope for our trip I think my exact words were “You’re laying on the ground right now just being a fucking hater”. We decided it was time to smoke, and hoped it would kickstart our trip. It did.
<br>
<br>
So right around 2:30 we started smoking, about halfway in I started getting the most intense sensation that I could not feel my skin. It was good weed. Any pressure on my body almost made my skin feel like static. Numbness seeped into my legs from the way the bed and the floor were touching me, and I could not feel which muscles I was using. I was trying to reconcile how I felt in my head while T kept smoking, but I was blanking. I would like to be able to recount exactly what happened in the moments that directly followed me smoking, but truly it was the most disoriented I have ever been so I can hardly remember. This was like a glitch state of complete neutrality that was now leaning towards a very bad feeling.
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We were talking, and the conversation was straight up bewildering me. As soon as I would pinpoint a certain thought that might help me grasp the conversation, I would forget what we were even talking about. I felt as though I couldn’t communicate with him properly and I could see in his face that I wasn’t saying things in a way that made sense. After a little while this subsided for the most part, and led into what I can only call the first rite of passage on a journey that would begin to develop from that moment on. I won’t get into specifics on what exactly led up to this, but with a few words and a split second realization, I unpacked a phobia that I have spent years trying to come to terms with. A fear that has so uniquely affected my relationship with T, though I hadn’t ever fully shared with him in this way. Realizing the fear and hurt I carried, was a somber experience for the both of us. I trust T with my life, but up until that point I had just never thought of the trauma I had experienced in this way. It was a profound moment of emotional intimacy, heightened by the drug <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I had just never thought of the trauma I had experienced in this way. It was a profound moment of emotional intimacy, heightened by the drug</div></div> beginning to work itself into our bodies. This raw vulnerability that we shared I believe opened a door of possibility for what was to come.
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It was my one instance of complete clarity in this section of time. I felt the music in the background put us in the same channel, a flow, and I would hear music in the back of my mind for the rest of the trip even when there was none at all. It was so powerful that we could feel one another’s energy coursing through the room after. At this point I was still slipping so deeply in and out of disorientation that I did not know what to make of what had just happened, or if it was just me that had felt this special moment because I myself had just had such a profound realization. I asked him several times if it was real. If he felt that there was something special about the way that conversation felt. We weren’t exactly new to hard conversations in this type of environment, and it’s always special, but he wholeheartedly agreed and we sat there for a moment feeling the aftershock that this had put into the air. Initially I chalked this up to the care we have for one another, the sadness I felt from realizing one of my deepest fears, and the openness that we were beginning to feel from the LSD. Now I know this connectivity bonded us in a way that opened the door for something else.
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After I regained the connection between my brain, body, and mouth, I started to look around the room. I noticed that the beige of the wall coupled with the yellowish glow of the light made the room look like a giant cascading sand castle. Like slow waves of sand sifting down 20 foot ceilings (this part was not a hallucination our room has ridiculous 20 foot ceilings). If you can imagine a real-life version of the sand castles in Mario, that is exactly what it looked like. We moved to the floor where my laptop was projecting to the TV, and tried to figure out how to change the music. We put on New Person, Same Old Mistakes by Tame Impala and sat there for a moment in front of the wall next to my dresser. We began to notice how our eyes were picking up the patterns in every print. The texture in the paint began turning into perpetually, slow spinning knobs that stuck out a few inches from the wall. From there the knobs seemingly connected and morphed into something more flat, almost like a sticker. The circular three pronged shapes became something of a large flower, a sticker of dark army green against my beige wall. In a moment, the flower disappeared into the wall followed immediately by a rushing blue tunnel, with as much depth as was the sensation that the tunnel was rushing towards us. There were pink rectangular tiles curved on the inside moving vertically around the tunnel. I could see the normal flat wall with one part of my eyes, and the tunnel with a different part of my eyes.
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T and I had been talking out what we were seeing in every transition, shocked to realize we were seeing the same things before either of us had ever said it. We only saw the tunnel for a split second or two, both overwhelmed with what we were seeing. I was even almost covering my eyes at this point. We talked for a bit after, completely mind-blown about what we just saw. In hindsight, I feel that we accessed some sort of a portal or vortex. A few moments passed and we slid back onto the middle of the floor. There, we examined the wood underneath us which now presented the optical illusion that we were at a table. The floor being the table top. The dark parts of the floor lifted slightly and I ran my finger over the glowing underneath of the light parts. In between each dark grain, was glowing moonstone, hard to the touch. We both awed at this, the room was alive with energy, I especially could feel it pulsing through my muscles.
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My memory jumps here and picks up at a turning point in our trip. The music in my mind was only what I can describe as rising, like non-human voices singing, aw-ing, and bringing us up to a gauntlet. Chaotic, beautiful, and terrifying. Somewhere near a peak. I looked at the wall across from us in our room, one with a window above the bed, and in one moment I realized that I could change my perspective of reality into a 2D nightmare that began right at the end of my nose, and pulled everything in my vision to a flat forefront. I couldn’t even look. Without thinking I began to tell T that if he looked that way that you could see everything “like this” and I waved my hand in front of my eyes. I saw his gaze switch to that side of the room, in a split second he was physically taken aback. Tears welled in his eyes and I watched as pure terror washed over him. The look shattered my heart. I grabbed his face in my hands trying to bring him back, and he told me he did not know if he would be able unsee this. We were crying and I was holding his face telling him that if he had to see this way any longer that it would only be for a few more hours. I felt as if I had broken his mind, and was terrified that my boy would now have the kind of trip people get PTSD from after this. His lip was quivering and he said to me “I do not want to see like this anymore”. Holding back tears, I told him as calmly as I could that I saw it too, but that facing towards the dark bathroom gave enough shadow and depth to help. I told him we could try that and gently started to shift the other way. He grabbed my arm and I felt the voices aw-ing in my head. “But I kind of do,” he said.
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He faced the wall, tears running down his face. So brave and piecing together his shattered perception of reality. The way this touched my heart, an overwhelming sense of pride hit me, and sent a burst of energy into the air. So strong it was almost like light radiating from our bodies. I could not stop vibrating deep in my chest, though I could feel the difference from this and my physical body trembling in fear. I knew we were going to be able to get each other through this no matter how scared either of us got.
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We stood up and held each other. I looked into his face and noticed a glowing red and orange stitching that kept disappearing and replacing itself in new parts of his face. I ran my hands over the seams around the bridge of his nose. I felt as though I could undo the stitching and open him. We locked hands and looked at one another. In the past I have taken large doses of shrooms and seen eyes everywhere. This phenomenon has never scared me, in fact I feel calmed looking back into them until they turn into my own dark eyes sparkling back at me. This time I saw billions of tiny ones, blinking and closing all at different times, overlayed on everything in my field of vision. T’s pupils were the size of nickels and the thin edge of color around his pupils glowed green. It almost overwhelmed my body too much to look at, but I forced myself. I stared into his face and told him about the blanket of eyes that I was seeing. He was in awe, his eyes were telling me to show him. I truly felt like I was being compelled in a way; to tell him how he could see it too. I told him to look into my eyes and try to focus on his peripherals at the same time. To use all parts of our physical eyes. Our gaze locked in, and in a moment we both saw each other in crystal clear image, as if the room paused and time stood still. He saw six large versions of my eyes in different parts of my body. For me, all of the tiny eyes were suspended, open and closed as they were in the exact moment our eyes met. We were looking into one another.
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Another wave rocked the room and took my breath away for a moment. We were able to talk in this moment of stillness, knowing something about this was transcending any normal trip experience. I am no stranger to big doses of psychedelics, but the power coming from the connections we were having was something I’ve never experienced. I felt like a vessel for projecting and absorbing this energy. I knew that I could guide my partner into opening something. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I felt like a vessel for projecting and absorbing this energy. I knew that I could guide my partner into opening something.</div></div> Now, I think we allowed each other to open what some might call the third eye. He says these moments for him were more than surreal, a journey to transcendence that his soul and heart could feel. I did not know it then, but we were already there, in astral projection. We were on a soul plane where our two souls were meeting for the first time, yet still seemed familiar. In a split second I was able to see straight through parts of his body to the other side of my bedroom. I looked down at my own body and I too was invisible. I began shrinking. I had used too much of my energy helping both of us to “see” for the first time. T towered over me and I was two feet tall while the room grew and grew. My physical body was in the shadows recovering from the loss of light I had projected. But as if someone had whispered the answer into my ear, I got immediate comfort. I was not disappearing, my soul was simply recharging. Diminishing from that point of energy only FELT like disappearing. I calmed down my breathing and tried to control it through the vibrations. I began to return to normal size.
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Now when I looked at T’s face he almost sparkled and floated above the floor. His “body” looked like how a ghost’s might, glittering with no shape, just an essence in our room. He says from the moment we locked eyes, every time he looked at me it was as if I was only inches away from him even when I was across the room. Like big orbs that he could no longer pick one look at, but was forced to look into both. I got the disturbingly intrusive thought that we had taken part in some kind of ritual. I latched onto this, and the idea crashed into my thoughts. To my core, I believed that we had somehow completed a ritual series of the most powerful human connections, and that we had now unlocked some sort of trial in an altered reality that we could only escape by going deeper. Trembling in fear, I explained this to T. My mind could only see the terrors that we might have to face in some cosmic gauntlet. He told me he believed 100% that our souls were somewhere else in between dimensions right now, that he could feel it, but that he did not think we needed to be scared. He did not think we were being tested rather than exploring. I trusted that he felt parts about this the same way I was feeling them. When we left the room to get some water it felt as though there was a very thin layer between the dimension we had found, and the one our physical bodies were in. I gave T a slice of lemon coated in sugar. It was like the best candy in the world.
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When we came back, we sat on the couch in my room facing each other. A tear fell down my cheek and I asked him if this changed what he thought about the afterlife. Neither of us believe in God, I am a little more spiritual than him in a sense because I’ve always believed in some sort of afterlife, higher power, and the need to have a good soul for these reasons. He shook his head and told me that this experience was changing what he thought about everything. He was scared, but so happy that we were going there together. From there we moved to the bed where I felt a sort of trial begin for me. From that point on, T was only a resemblance of his physical self, though his essence was still very clear. It was his essence that I was able to hold on to. There were times when the visuals I was projecting onto his face were abstract and terrifying. I do not necessarily remember in chronological order here, but I know that at one point I saw both of his eyes sprout 3 more below themselves, his mouth dropped down and stretched wide to show his fangs, and all 6 of his pupils were thin like a snake’s. Another moment, all of his features were bobbing around independent of each other until he looked like some sort of a fucked up cartoon. My favorite was when his head became a cube and his face became completely symmetrical in every way. Kind of hilarious even. The next moment his skin became so smooth and perfect it looked almost like still liquid. I know I had the most tripped out look when I touched his face and told him that he looked almost perfect.
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Immediately after I said that he became a doll or some ultra realistic mannequin. He could feel my hesitation to look at him sometimes, and the thought of me being scared of him was tapping away at his self image. One moment he brought out his phone and looked at himself in the camera. He was shocked and honestly horrified at what was looking back at him. He put his head down, grabbed my hands, and told me he was so sorry that that was what I had to see right now. His eyes are so intense and color vivid normally, that in this state he saw how easy it was for my mind to manipulate him into something else. He began to cry and apologize to me over and over. Even in that moment he looked startling to me, like an abstract painting of Picasso, all of his features shifting inches vertically from their usual positions. I grabbed him and held him tightly. The whole time I was trying not to be scared of him I had been getting the sensation that his soul was drifting a little further from mine... that he was somehow losing his sense of self and unable to reconcile who he thought he was with how he was feeling. I told him he had to put it back together right now. I assured him I knew that it was not him I was seeing. It didn’t matter how scary my visuals got because I get scared easily anyways. No matter what, I would not be afraid to look at him, and be here with him. Later, he told me that during that time he had begun to lose himself and was scared of what might have happened if I had not snapped him out of it.
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After I forced myself to face him no matter how my eyes were deceiving me, we decided to try and look into each other again. We grabbed hands and tried to focus on using all parts of our eyes to look at each other. I saw his eyes begin to shake rapidly, his pupils duplicated all over the white of his eyes until the moment our pupils locked into each other. The second they connected, both of our pupils immediately dilated almost to the size of quarters. We both gasped and my whole body started violently vibrating. He told me that when this happened my eyes deepened into a tunnel of sorts and he could see all the way inside of me. Now we knew this was real, we were doing magic, playing together on a plane where that was possible. We noticed that when T moved away from me, the vibrating calmed down a bit, and the closer he got the more intense it got. Without thinking I grabbed his hands and put his palms against my legs. I have never felt anything comparable to the feeling. I began to sob and it felt as though all of my blood was evaporating. My whole body was vibrating deep in my chest and brain. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">My whole body was vibrating deep in my chest and brain.</div></div> I was absorbing his energy. It was coursing through me and I got the sensation that my body was being filled. I took his hands away and the vibrating calmed. I put them back and the shaking was as violent as before and completely involuntarily. My brain felt HOT. I looked at him, put my hands on my chest trying to steady myself, and I told him that no matter what we knew this was real now.
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There were moments following that I felt very deeply that my mind was going to try to attack what I knew, and how I felt. Like an army of doubt trying to derail the authenticity of our experience. The skepticism in the logical part of my brain that had been blocked out, was now trying to creep in and convince me that nothing that happened was real. Intrusive thoughts were telling me that this was all just the drug. I got the feeling that this was another test to see if I could hold onto this. The same way I had to face the fear of what I was seeing physically so that I could stay in this realm with my soulmate. I told him that my thoughts were trying to doubt what we were experiencing and that I was scared that my memory would remember this in a way that didn’t seem real. I realized something about the limitations of our worldly bodies. Our memories have a way of suppressing themselves and affecting the light in which we remember them. Our brains constantly lie to us. T and I began to unpack the facade of the human experience: why we are the way we are... We broke it down into segments as we talked. The Soul supports our imagination. Our imagination is our fears, our perceptions of reality, our humor, and many other things. Imagination and Thought combine to make the personality i.e the image of who we are to ourselves and the different versions of ourselves we present to people. We got stuck here as we began to think about Thought. Even for a second, thinking about the voices in our heads was so overwhelming that we agreed we wouldn’t touch it. It is too easy to get lost in your head in a place like this.
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Everything was making perfect sense between us. We were on the same channel of the same wavelength. T looked at me, serious as the fucking plague, and said very softly that he did not think we were exactly speaking English. I freaked out. He grabbed my hands and told me that he didn’t mean we were talking in tongues or anything, but more that we were talking in a way that wouldn’t communicate to other people right now. He was right. We were talking half-sentence-nonsense, but he perfectly understood me, and he knew I was perfectly understanding him. He asked me strangely if I felt something almost... inside my head, I thought about my mind for a second and realized it felt as though something outside of my head was imposing on/influencing my thoughts. He asked me that because he felt the same way. Something had told him that it was each other. That we were passing, influencing, and sharing the thoughts between our two brains in a way that made our conversation only clear to us. In this place where we had made some of the most powerful human connections, we formed a bond that allowed us to do magic, to release and absorb each other's energies, and now we were so connected to each other that we were able to tap into some form of telepathy. We had been doing it the whole time, and aside from my visual trials on the bed, our trip was almost visually identical from start to finish. We were traveling in the same tunnel in this dimension.
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After this T and I were completely physically drained, he kept bringing the cup to me to drink, and told me softly that we had to calm down and take care of our bodies for a bit. It’s very easy to give your physical body a panic attack in this state. We can’t forget we took acid. At some point during one of these little breaks, we checked the time. 4:20am. The universe was entertaining us with coincidental shit that we would think was funny. Letting us know that even when we felt more normal that we still weren’t quite in our world. We started to calm down and I remember looking T in his eyes and his face was the only thing my eyes would see. I told him at that moment that I was having the out-of-body feeling that we were in a never ending room outside of my bedroom. His eyes went wide and he told me that as I was telling him that, he saw us in third person, in a blank, white, never-ending space with no floor, ceilings, or walls. I said to him that this experience must have meant that we were soulmates, and that we were able to do this because of it. He said maybe we are soulmates and everything that has happened was our souls meeting each other for the first time, playing with one another. That’s what I would like to believe. I do not believe most people can bring a partner into their astral projection. I think it takes two empaths that have a deep care and connection to each other in a very pure way. Whether that be a best friend, a partner, or someone else important. Every moment of our journey was purely terrifying, beyond surreal, and every bit as beautiful as it was scary.
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There was a moment where I very seriously questioned if we were dead. I considered that we had probably OD’d in some way and were now in the afterlife. I felt every emotion at once more times than I can count. We shared a life-changing experience that I am sure could be interpreted many ways, but it has given me faith where I had none. I am not alone in this life and I will not be in the next one. I have found someone to go through some crazy shit with. Someone to help me find a portal that takes us to a soul plane at 4am on a Wednesday. wtf. That night was an eternity and only a few moments all at the same time.
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After we officially came off the peak, around 7 o’clock, T and I headed up to the top of the parking garage with a memory foam bed cover, a blanket, a blunt, and a fat bowl of Lucky Charms. It was the most perfectly cool spring morning. We threw the pad on top of my car and climbed up. I have never ever in my life seen the sky more beautiful. There was a swirling orange fire growing and changing colors on the horizon. Pink cotton candy clouds everywhere. The sky was truly every color of the rainbow. It looked like the town below us was a big valley, with all of the different shades of green trees changing colors too. There was a treeline topping off the rim of a bowl that we were right in the middle of. I knew that we had let such a beautiful thing into the universe. The sky was like that because of us.<!-- End Body -->
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<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2020</td><td width="90">ExpID: 114234</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 19</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Apr 11, 2020</td><td>Views: 1,620</td></tr>
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<tr><td colspan="2">OBE (332), LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), General (1)</td></tr>
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<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
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<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">100 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/sertraline/">Pharms - Sertraline</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(daily)</b></td>
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<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(daily)</b></td>
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<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/diazepam/">Pharms - Diazepam</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
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<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">74 kg</td>
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Sertraline and LSD… Descending into madness, my worst fears realised.
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I have anxiety and depression, for which I have begun taking antidepressants (sertraline). During my first two weeks I was on 50mg and decided to trip (3 strong tabs) the trip was absolutely amazing, I sat there playing hellblade senua's sacrifice (the story evolving around the warriors psychosis) and it was a good trip. During my recent visit to the doctors they upped me to 100 as I was still struggling with my anxiety and depression and the meds weren’t helping…
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After a period of great frustration (a week on 100mg) I decided I was going to drop 3 tabs of acid again <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">After a period of great frustration (a week on 100mg) I decided I was going to drop 3 tabs of acid again</div></div>, play some games, go cinema and see IT, and go and see a friend who was leaving for university. I took the zoloft at about 10am and the acid at 11am.
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About 12/1 I was starting to come up… I was laying in bed looking at my phone and I realised I felt bizarrely weird. I had a really uncomfortable sensation that I tried to shake off, I tried telling myself it was my anxiety and acid can’t kill you. The feeling of uneasiness grew, I was sweating profusely and my heart rate was rising fast that I could feel my heart beating through my chest. My boyfriend was playing a game and sitting on the gaming chair in my room, so I jumped off the bed and sat on his lap cuddling him for comfort, realising that as I hugged him I felt a sensation that I was out of my own body and I didn’t have control over what I was doing… The panic was descending upon me rather quickly, and I jumped up asking my boyfriend if we could go for a walk (strictly conservative parents with no knowledge of my drug taking and if they found out it would be chaotic). It was raining heavily but I chucked on a t shirt, body warmer and shorts and me and my boyfriend proceeded to walk to the shops.
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As we walked to the shops my whole world turned upside down. Looking at the sky creeped me out, it looked beautiful and I was in awe of it, but in my body the sensations I was experiencing, it was something I had never experienced on acid before, even on my higher doses, this time something was different… And something was wrong. I went quiet, and couldn’t talk, I was struggling to grasp the fact that my head was connected to my shoulder and head, it felt disjointed, like I was decapitated or something. My boyfriend realising I was having a panic attack pulled me to a side road and I burst into tears. I felt like imminent death was coming for me, I was struggling to breathe and my mouth was so dry, I was sweating so much and I never had felt so thirsty in my life. I was struggling to swallow and breathe and I couldn’t stop crying I made my boyfriend call an ambulance… Thats where things got worse. As he was on the phone to the operator my heart started burning like wildfire, never in my life have I experienced a pain like that with a panic attack, I couldn’t finish my sentence and I was out of breathe every 2-3 words, my body was crying out to me that something was seriously wrong. The operator heard me scream ‘MY HEART IS BURNING IT HURTS SO BAD’, upon hearing what I had taken and my screams of pain she proceeded to ask my boyfriend some more questions. My boyfriend quickly had his hand on my pulse and was checking it at the operators command, she wanted him to count how many times my heart was beating for 15 seconds, when he told her 70 beats in 15 seconds I heard the worried operators tone and my boyfriend's face change.The ambulance had changed from a 45 minute wait to an immediate response.
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I felt like the world was closing in on me. I remember thinking every time I’ve taken any drug, the moment before I put it in my mouth… Would this be the moment I regret for the rest of my life? Would I be setting myself up to die by an accidental overdose or miscalculation, those thoughts I had always pushed aside… But it was fast becoming a reality. I could hear my heart beating in my ears and there was a pulsating like blur to my visuals, I didn’t pass out but I was fading in and out of alertness. I was so thirsty I ran into the local pub crying (due to my heart burning really badly) and they gave me a glass of water I gulped down.
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At this point a paramedic car pulled up with one paramedic, he didn’t have an ambulance and was just sent as the quickest respondent. I told him what had happened and he checked my blood pressure, I saw the look on his face and I knew something was wrong and he didn’t want to say anything because I was already very agitated. I was so restless I kept pacing around before sitting on the floor because I felt like I was going to fade out of consciousness, all whilst my heart was burning so badly and the throbbing sensation continued. I felt like I was looking on my life at a timeline, I remember hearing somewhere that when you die the last few minutes of your life seem longer, and every second of this experience was extremely agonising and uncomfortable. My boyfriend didn’t leave my side he tried his best to keep me from walking off.
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After about 3 minutes the ambulance arrived with another two paramedics, in my panicked state I had chucked off my body warmer, jumped in the ambulance and chucked off my t shirt, sitting in the ambulance in my sports bra and shorts. My heart burns I screamed to the paramedic, I was so restless I couldn’t stop my body moving, the three paramedics seeing me in the state I was in proceeded to put the heart rate monitor sticky things on me, the three of them working at a extremely fast pace. I kept writhing in pain and agitation and I couldn’t stay still for a minute for them to get a reading, one of the male paramedics asked me to get on the bed and the female paramedic proceeded to strap me down. When I was still enough for them to get a reading, I saw a seriously worried look on the paramedics face, the face he pulled shook me to the core as it dawned on me, I had fucked up. I had really really fucked up. Had I really signed my own death warrant? I never knew LSD and sertraline reacted together in this way! I had read a trip report where someone had taken 25mg and 1 tab and had been fine, and my first trip had been fine so I assumed it was safe… I was wrong. I felt like my universe was ending, being on acid the experience was a whole lot more frightening, maybe because my heightened senses.
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The male paramedic turned to me and said “your heart is beating so fast that it hasn’t got enough time between contracting to get blood in it”, the paramedic from earlier checked my pupils at the command of the other paramedic, and I had all 3 of them fussing over me. At this point I’m not too sure what was happening, but the burning in my chest wouldn’t subside, then I got the worst pain in my life. Simulataneously I had a stabbing pain in my ribs and kidney that seemed to connect, it was so bad I screamed and shot up starting to writhe in pain. 'That was it’ I thought, my body's dying on me, I knew it. Is this why time seemed slower and to last forever? I couldn’t shake the fear of dying and the fact that my time was coming for me, every inch of my spirit and soul screamed out to live, I looked over to my boyfriend I saw the sadness and worry in his eyes, he saw me in pain and he had no way to help me but look on and hope the paramedics could save my life. Me and my partner have a very intimate relationship and the fact that his comfort couldn’t stop my anxiety showed the severity of it. I have had a history of struggling with panic attacks but they stopped for a year or so, only to come back during this trip with the worst one of my life.
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The paramedics managed to get my heart rate down and calm my breathing, the male paramedic who was mainly overseeing my treatment said to me ’S…I know this is really hard for you and I can’t begin to imagine the pain you’re in, but you need to control your breathing.’ <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">’S…I know this is really hard for you and I can’t begin to imagine the pain you’re in, but you need to control your breathing.’</div></div> He began breathing exercises with me, before we started driving to the hospital. During the journey I had calmed down and my heart rate had dropped back down to normal, he was an awesome dude, had actually done acid before and was telling us about some of his past experiences. He was very understanding of why I took acid (in aid of my anxiety and depression, escapism and searching for happiness) and was giving me some wise advice.
<br>
<br>
Reaching the hospital I was put in a booth and the paramedic filled the nurse in on what happened. Due to my anxiousness, and my distressed state (I kept crying and I felt emotionally overwhelmed and depressed due to my near death experience) the nurse said to the paramedic that she’d give me diazepam to help calm me down. There was a waiting room for people waiting for nurses, but due to the kind nature of the lady as she saw the state I was in she got me seen straight away and I could stay away from big groups of people. I got put in a room with a door for privacy and she came and gave me some diazapam, she told me that someone from the psych liaison team would be there to speak to me and how even though it might seem unhelpful at first sometimes they can help identify things that trigger you and give you specific treatment plans and therapy. The psych liaison guy came in, and told my partner that me and him needed to talk alone (standard procedure), he asked me general details about how my life was and I explained to him some of the stuff that had happened to me as a kid that led me to where I am now. He said he was going to refer me to this place (not mentioned to protect my anonymity), but midway through the interview the nurse came with some more valium, before I was discharged.
<br>
<br>
I never have wrote trip reports but I have found them helpful and very educative. I was under the impression that the combination was safe, but obviously for me this drug interaction wasn’t. I hope if anyone is in a similar position to me and has read this trip report that it has allowed you to educate yourself more on the effects of the possible combination. I share this knowledge so that I can give back to the community.
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Thank you for reading.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2017</td><td width="90">ExpID: 111001</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 20</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Apr 16, 2020</td><td>Views: 4,437</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=111001&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=111001&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">Pharms - Sertraline (88), LSD (2) : Combinations (3), Depression (15), Health Problems (27), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">7 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:45</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">4 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:15</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> repeated</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 bowl</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/salvia/">Salvia divinorum</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(extract)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
For this trip I dosed at 11:00 PM (T+0:00) on the night of April 18th, so that I would start really tripping exactly at the start of Bicycle Day, and this would be my celebration for it since I wouldn't really have another chance to really have one. I was thinking about taking fourteen hits for 2014, but I decided to start with an initial dose of seven to see how I would feel after it started kicking in. Since I've always been breaking up my large doses with this LSD, this was actually the most of it I'd taken at one time so far. At first I felt like it was a little bit of a rough comeup, but then I realized that I still had this mindset from when I was getting panic attacks and the like from psychedelics <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">it was a little bit of a rough comeup, but then I realized that I still had this mindset from when I was getting panic attacks and the like from psychedelics</div></div> (and other drugs) that I might still need to monitor a drug's effect to avoid that sort of situation, but I already knew that this was real LSD and there's truly no reason to worry. At that moment all of my past psychosomatic symptoms cleared entirely, and I was filled with a powerful euphoria. I would even go so far as to describe it as ecstasy; it was an intensely freeing and spiritual feeling....
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<br>
At T+0:45 I decided to take another of the four hits that I had cut out. I felt it kicking in over the next half an hour or so, along with the first dose really reaching a full effect, and at T+1:15 I took the last three hits I had prepared for my total of fourteen. With the second and third comeups, there was no sort of anxiety at all, and there was never any sort of increasing feeling that I wouldn't be able to handle what was coming or that it would be anything but I smooth. I remember thinking that it kind of just felt like drinking water and hallucinating harder from it, it felt so benign on my body and mind in every way.
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<br>
The comeup of LSD tends to be very inwardly focused and psychological for me, so even though there often are powerful visuals growing, I don't often pay attention to them enough to really have that concrete of a memory of the first phase of the trip, if I'm alone anyway. Of course, the higher I dose, the harder it gets to remember all the random little things I thought about. What I do know is that like usual with my high dose trips, my thoughts started to pick up very, very quickly. My mind was racing in a way comparable to a synthetic cannabinoid trip, but not as frantic as those tend to feel for me, but rather LSD feels more just like being deliriously excited. I was also smoking weed pretty frequently throughout this, just to add to it all.
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What I *do* remember about the beginning of the experience is that I had basically entered a state that I would describe as lucid dreaming while awake, or a level of consciousness at which my imagination was seamlessly blending into reality around me without preventing me from being able to interact with what was actually there whenever I needed to. There was no point at which I felt as if I was not lucid enough to do that if I wanted to, but the hallucinations I was seeing were very powerfully integrated into my surroundings. As usual on high doses of LSD, I was starting to see furniture transforming into and other furniture and surfaces being covered in vivid and often three-dimensional perceptions of people in the room with me, and also as I always experience with LSD the images given to these people were reflections of how I felt at the time, which in this case made them all females who were representative of many (both regular and psychedelic) sexual aspects of my personality both in relation to what I find attraction in women and what sorts of desires I have for myself. Because of how all of this was blended into the room I was in, which was usually my bedroom, I felt very much like I was inside some sort of virtual reality room of my mind.
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<br>
It didn't take me long to decide that this was the best LSD trip I had ever had. I felt so relieved of all stresses and anxieties after everything that had been happening in my life lately, and now this experience was really just incredible. I had the sudden desire to try to get the most out of this trip that I possibly could, and so I reached over to the side of my bed and grabbed the rest of my salvia extract; there was still enough for about a bowl left after my last experience using it with LSD, one which had ended with the salvia giving me a message about what would happen if I took this any further.... I actually have an interesting sort of relationship with salvia that I don't often meet people who say they can agree with me on, but I can definitely notice it in my experiences. I find salvia to be in many ways like the antithesis of LSD. I say this because many things about their trips for me are more similar to each other than just about anything else I've tried - their general visual style and many of the more complex motifs, the way their entity perceptions are formed, the way that they both feel to me to touch a more primal aspect of myself more deeply than other hallucinogens do.... The difference however is that LSD is a substance for me which causes intense control and the trip often bends to my will without me even having to put it in any effort, while salvia is more like an intense lack of control where I am completely subject to the will of the trip. In this way, I tend to relate them most directly as my dominance and submission drugs....
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All psychedelic experiences, in which I include salvia, have a very sexual feeling to me in one way or another, and the LSD trip always tends to feel like it allows me to enjoy a very dominant energy whereas the salvia trip just attempts to force me into submission, which can also be very satisfying especially upon reintegration into reality. The trip that I was experiencing on these fourteen hits of LSD so far was to me proving to be the most powerful kind of dominance trip I had ever had, the first one where I was ever able to utterly and completely let go into it without fear and let the electricity flow through me. And now, it would seem, it was time for me to experience total submission as well.
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<br>
I loaded the full bowl of salvia extract, probably the last of this fascinating plant I would be able to obtain for a while. I figured that this would be as good a time as any to enjoy it. I ended up taking two or three big hits until the bowl was cashed, and then I leaned back and closed my eyes to just let it hit. Another way that salvia is comparable to LSD for me is how much it has a reverse tolerance.... In my second to last salvia trip, during a recent LSD experience, I had had to let go of fear of the unknown to the point of knowing that I wouldn't be able to monitor my own bodily state, but the emotional impact that this had on me was more like taking a risk, in the way that thinking 'I'm not sure if I'm alive or not.' would not hit me nearly as hard as 'I'm definitely dead right now.' This was made evident to me when I came down and smoked it again immediately, and instead experienced on the verge of an out-of-body experience that I was certain would show me what it was like to experience my own death.
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<br>
The message was very clear to me at the time: if you take this even deeper, you will experience it. Given that, this trip was really not surprising. The first thing I noticed is that I became consciously aware of some (quite possibly entirely delusional) process by which my entire exterior world as I perceived it was constantly refreshing itself in order to create the seamless stream of awareness that I experience at all times. I was again, as seems to be a common theme with me on LSD now, experiencing things on what I would call the neurological correlate of the subatomic level, and at this moment I could actually see each individual 'pixel' which composed my entire matrix of reality. These pixels all appeared to be blue hands reaching up and out; definitely a salvia contribution. The process by which my reality was refreshing was actually that every single one of the pixels would update themselves according to my sensory input literally one individual pixel at a time, but I just simply knew that this normally occured so unbelievably rapidly that it created the sensation of an image stream constantly in motion in my normal real-time consciousness.
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<br>
So like I said, normally this process is always moving forward in the same direction, but at this moment it suddenly froze. When that happened I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that this was because my brain was no longer working to sustain my existence, because I was dying. I had finally fucked up, gone too far, made one too many mistakes. This realization brought me a profound feeling of despair and fear. I started thinking that there must be some way to undo this, there has to be something that can be done to make things just go back to the way they were before, back before I did this... but none came to mind. I started thinking about what my parents would think... and once I did the (perceived) gravity of the situation really began to sink in.
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<br>
Suddenly, the pixel-refreshing process started up again, but in reverse; it was slowly dissolving my current perception of reality, and once that faded away I would simply be gone forever.... I felt myself start to panic, as even though I had no normal visual input, I could still feel my body pretty well. I tried to get up out of bed and feel my way to the door, but I just ended up stumbling over and crashing into the wall and falling to the floor, very thankfully not injuring myself in the process. I felt so hopeless in the physical realm, so all I had left to resort to was the metaphysical. I could attempt to 'grab' this process in the same sort of ineffable gesture by which I could hold back a normal salvia trip's hallucination (the kind of resistance one shows instead of letting go) and this would stop the dissolution for just a second or two, but then it would just resume even more quickly than it had already been going. My fear grew, and my heart was pounding so hard and fast that I thought it might explode out of my chest. It got to the point where the process was almost finished and the moment felt very 'final'. My heart sank. I had already known that there was nothing left to be done at this point, but this was the moment that I really resigned to it. There was no reason to fight it anymore. It's over, and all I can hope is that if something's waiting for me on the other side then maybe it'll be good....
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<br>
At that point, everything faded to black, and there was silence. After a few moments though, an image of my room from the perspective of my body collapsed on the floor next to my bed began to fade back into existence. Everything had happened so quickly - I barely even got to think any 'final thoughts' - that even when it did it still took me a few minutes to really realize what exactly was going on. As soon as I did though, I was filled with an immense appreciation for life and thankfulness for the fact that I was still in it. I started laughing so hard that I was sobbing. All of the euphoria that I had been experiencing before with the LSD came rushing back into me in full force, but now even more enhanced by my new mindset.
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<br>
The visuals, which had also reached a realism I hadn't seen before even before the salvia and included lots of vivid eyes, now started to resemble Alex Grey artwork, like astonishingly so. When the salvia had hit there had been an initial frame that entered my perception which I believe to be centered at the tips of the fingers of one of the pixel hands, and that frame was now repeating all throughout my vision in the imagery, such as all other the faces of entities who were otherwise covered in what looked like veins. These entities all appeared massive, and while some of them were staring at me directly, others I was given bird's eye views of things such as one just appearing to be towering over the ground in this transforming hyperspatial room. The frame that the salvia had contributed was also starting to peel away in all of its locations, mimicking the way the camera angle seems to spin for me around that image on the salvia, and as this frame was ordered by the mirrored set this would actually create a visual of these frames unzipping something underneath the surface where they are, something that I'm very familiar with with salvia, and this was opening up to reveal even more eyes all of the entities' bodies. From the intensity and emotion of it all, I felt as though I was watching an interacting with these cosmic titans who preside in dimensions aside from our own. There was so much more going on as well but I can't even begin to describe the complexity of it; the entire visual experience was just awe-inspiring.
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<br>
The way that the trip basically felt at this point was just the lucid dreaming while awake from before but now with the dream world pushed all the way up to some sort of lucid hyperspace. I still never lost the ability to interact with reality properly, but I was hallucinating harder than ever. Various scenes would wash by me in the visuals effortlessly, and entities constantly danced through my room. They had gone from just being a few entities as they had been on the LSD alone to having a style similar to what I get on DMT, where I see a whole group of the same entity (like seeing quintuple) moving together, and the visual style have become very sharp and electric, and so sexual sometimes in ways I'd never even thought of before that I couldn't believe that my mind was generating this so effortlessly. I also just couldn't stop laughing and crying because everything about the experience was so intense and overwhelming in the most wonderful way. The body feeling I had was incredible, it was like an undending, toe-curling orgasm.
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I was in pure bliss. I kept thinking to myself that the only way I could possibly describe this state of mind and overall experience would be to call it heaven on earth. And I really mean that in the sense that heaven is a very human concept.... Even in a religious context, it's meant to represent a place or state in which all of one's earthly desires are being fulfilled at once. I say this to differentiate because some psychedelics to me, especially some particular tryptamines, tend to have more of a 'meeting with the divine' kind of feeling, but while LSD does have that mystical aura to it for sure, the experience to me is very much down to earth <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">while LSD does have that mystical aura to it for sure, the experience to me is very much down to earth</div></div>. It allows me to explore my animal self much more than any other psychoactive I've yet to try. On that note, this trip also reminded me just how phenomenal an actual orgasm is in this mindset, on these doses of LSD. I had no one there but myself and my imagination and even still afterwards I was completely immobile and out of breath for at least a good five or ten minutes. I've yet to try anything that even *approaches* high doses of LSD in this way.
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<br>
The full experience with lucid control of the hallucination actually continued for much longer than the heavy trip phase of LSD usually does for me, though I'm sure the salvia helped with that. Those kinds of integrated visions continued to exist for the next several hours, though as often happens at such doses I've forgotten many of them now. All I can say was that it never stopped being fantastic, and the body feeling continued to last far beyond the end of the trip. Until about the afternoon of the next day I was still very wired as well. The afterglow that this trip gave me was great. I felt totally released of so many stresses in life. The death experience especially was, of course, very moving to me.... I thought about it for quite some time afterward, and still do.
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<br>
In some ways I don't feel as though it has actually directly helped with my general fears about death in the way that it might for some people, though I would say it did help me get started down that path... but rather, I feel that it helped to rid me of some old defense mechanisms that I developed while growing up and no longer need anymore. Before I came out and started transitioning I always had this fear that because of my risk-heavy and generally unhealthy lifestyle choices I might die before I got to live the life I always wanted and felt I deserved, and so every time I ever had a panic attack where I thought I might die (which was a lot) that was always the first thing on my mind. The fact that that didn't even cross my mind this time actually had a much more profound impact on me than giving into death itself, which to me felt more like accepting that there was no other choice rather than making peace with it.... It made me realize that I finally have reached a place where I'm happy with life, and I no longer feel like if I were to die I would be cheated out of anything, and now I've been able to simply let those feelings go.... And though it didn't quite help me overcome a death fear yet, it definitely prepped me for the experience which I now feel like I can start to work on in a healthy way for the first time after dropping my old baggaging surrounding it. It's an amazingly freeing feeling, and I'm very excited for future experiences.
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Since that was the end of my salvia however, that will probably be the last time I can use it for a while. The last thing I would have to say about it is that my experiences combining LSD and salvia so far have always been intense, but in terms of powerful experiences I think it may be one of my favorites of all. A euphoric LSD trip is the perfect place to reintegrate to from the depths of salvia's madness, and it keeps all of the good aspects of the trip around for a long time afterward while integrating them into its own and still letting the most overwhelming loss of control part of salvia only stick around for its regular amount of time. The visions are always just so incredible too, I feel like LSD really helps bring out salvia's more sexual side as well, which I have seen with it alone but it's rare. But since they do have such similar motifs for me, I feel that they actually synergize in this way very well.
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In the end, I would have to say that it was a pretty successful Bicycle Day celebration!<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2014</td><td width="90">ExpID: 103269</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Apr 19, 2020</td><td>Views: 1,910</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=103269&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=103269&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Salvia divinorum (44) : Glowing Experiences (4), Sex Discussion (14), Combinations (3), Alone (16)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(edible / food)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 - 3 g</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">135 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I've used LSD for (almost) strictly recreational purposes many times throughout the years, only vaguely aware of its true potential. Against the hysteria and distractions of overly elaborate party settings, it is impossible to see what LSD really has to show me. I'm no stranger to its effects but only recently began experimenting with it alone in meditation. It wasn't until this trip that I truly understood what spirituality meant.
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The setting is my apartment, thoroughly cleaned the day before in preparation. I live alone in a modestly decorated 1 1/2 bedroom apartment. The living room walls are red. The couch, rug and furniture are various browns and beige's. The blinds are a light beige and were left down all day for ambient lighting on this sunny day in the dead of winter, which had a truly remarkable effect. There is a high counter/bar space separating the living room from the kitchen creating a nice open flow in the apartment. I also have several plants and a cat. This is my sanctuary.
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10am: I eat my acid laden Oreo cookie and head for the shower. By the time I am done with the shower I am beginning to feel the first body effects. I get dressed and sit at my computer and begin working on music. I play keys and produce music, and already at 45 minutes my motor skills are rather impaired and I quickly gave up on the idea of writing/playing during this trip. This was the heaviest dose I had ever taken - three hits liquid, very strong and very clean. So, I grab a couch cushion, throw it on the floor and sit down cross-legged facing one well lit window (blinds down). I have no real experience meditating, however my whole life I have been very much concerned with the bigger questions. So I sat, and thought.
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12:00pm: I am now for the first time in my life feeling my so-called 'Chi' flowing through me in the space that seemed to be just in front of my physical body. It was a warm energy that I could feel flow far beyond my own body in space. I begin feeling love and pondering all the people in my life. I begin making connections (but are really coincidences) about people and events throughout my life. The love intensifies. The visuals were all very beautiful as well.
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1:30pm: I have now been through various positions of sitting/laying on the couch and floor experimenting with body position and symmetry for maximum 'Chi' flow. I now decide to stand and with my palms open and head up .... I was ripped open. I was ripped open in the most pleasant way I could imagine being ripped open. Inside 'me' was light. 'I' soon no longer existed. Only light and love existed and I was a part of it. I then perceived another light entity examine me. It looked me up and down so-to-speak and as if to say 'Well sir, you're not dead yet but I'm going to show you some shit', it smeared me across the universe and I felt infinity. I felt as if I experienced everything, all at once. As I realized I was experiencing this I was able to almost control it. I could come in and out of this feeling of infinity. Tears of joy are now rolling down my face. Uncontrollably so. I soon felt compelled to write something down, which proved to be quite difficult. I wrote in a very shaky/disembodied hand 'you realize that the mind's physical connection to the world is not the only connection it has. self exposed. and gone. ego matters not. love overwhelming. everything, all at once'. Ego death is a humbling experience but I have read recently that it can be terrifying for some people. I was having a bit of an out of body experience as well, but I'd say not completely really.
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2:30pm: I am now face-to-face with my refrigerator staring at it (go ahead, laugh) and the space in front of me opens up. I begin zooming in on the fridge. It was the strangest thing. With each zoom in, there would be a slight pause, then a fast zoom, slight pause, fast zoom, etc. This created a tunneling effect. Like what I imagine the idea of a wormhole to be. It made me a bit nervous at first so I stopped it, slowly backing out of this tunnel. But gained confidence and went back in. Now, at this point there are no crazy colors. My thoughts are really very clear and my third eye is cranked wide open. That is what is allowing me to tunnel like this. Everything I saw was crystal clear. It was really so strange. I felt like I was peering into the smaller dimensions of the universe that we are normally unable to perceive.
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3:30pm: It was around this time I began having what seemed to be a psychic connection with my cat and plants and feeling our 'spirits' communicating. I continued pondering people, love, physics (particularly Quantum Physics) and of course music. I went on like this as the peak wore off for the next few hours until a friend of mine, who had also gone solo that day, came over and we discussed our experiences.
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<br>
During this whole time, it was pretty much silent except for one CD I would play randomly throughout the day. I do not watch television and stayed away from the computer the whole time as well. I am not afraid nor ashamed to tell you that that was the single most profound, eye opening, and humbling experience of my life. I believe I experienced what some people would describe as seeing 'god' or maybe Nirvana or what? I don't know exactly. It can't and maybe shouldn't be put into words. But I will say, my spirit has been awakened. I realized that I was shown all this to come back and be as compassionate as possible and that is what I intend to do.
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All told, the trip wore off completely by about midnight and I was able to go to sleep. It is now two weeks later and the afterglow remains. <!-- I recommend anyone with experience to try this for themselves. Just be sure friends are aware of what you're doing just in case :) Peace brothers and sisters.--><!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2011</td><td width="90">ExpID: 89617</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 30</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Apr 21, 2020</td><td>Views: 1,369</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=89617&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=89617&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Meditation (128) : Mystical Experiences (9), Combinations (3), Alone (16)</td></tr>
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</table>
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<div class="report-text-surround">
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<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
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<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
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<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">155 lb</td>
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I had tripped before. Mushrooms a handful of times, and acid a couple. I had a good grip on how psychedelics affect me. At least, I thought I did. Even though LSD had blown my mind before, I was in no way prepared for the trip <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I was in no way prepared for the trip</div></div> I am about to tell you about.
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I was a freshman at a very liberal liberal arts college in a rural area. Three months into my first year, I had what I would definitely consider to be a best friend. We will call him N. His brother was two years ahead of us (we will call him P) and had gotten his hands on some very clean and very powerful acid. We decided earlier in the week that we would put aside any other plans for Saturday and use the day to enjoy a nice trip. P and his friends had tripped successfully off of 2/3 of a tab, so we decided that a single tab per person would suffice.
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Saturday arrived, and although it was a chilly November day, the skies were pretty clear and the weather was agreeable. We arrived at P's house and promptly put the tabs under our tongues. We put on a TV show and just hung around the house waiting for the effects to come on. I started feeling sped up and anxious, and we decided that it was time to leave the house and explore. Even though N and I were the only ones tripping, another sitting friend, as well as P and his girlfriend came along with us for a long walk back to campus from their house. We stopped at a pizza joint to get a bite to eat, even though I was not at all hungry. Instead, I just purchased a small Sunny D, in a tiny bottle like the ones I drank during my childhood. The nostalgia was just as delicious as the citrusy juice itself. I remember how strange things felt in that pizza parlor. I looked at a very basic painting that depicted some people eating pizza in the shop, but the colors were so vivid that it did not matter how simple it was. I marveled at the strokes of paint that were put into making the painting what it was. It was truly beautiful.
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We left the restaurant, and I cannot begin to tell you how great it felt to be outside in the open air. N and I were in such a good mood; we could not stop smiling. We embarked on the long walk back to school and we kept telling each other how great certain colors were looking. We were so full of energy that it did not even feel like we were actually walking. I told N that it felt like my feet were full of very tiny people that were carrying me along. With the guidance of P and sober friends, we entered the woods. The colors of the fallen leaves were unbelievable. We had such a new found appreciation for all of the colors we were seeing. The visual effects were becoming more and more intense. The ground started to look like it was an ocean, constantly rippling and moving with the wind. Even though the temperature was chilly and worthy of a jacket, I felt so warm that I took mine off. We got to this very large abandoned building in the woods that probably once served some sort of farming purpose. It was full of graffiti and we spent a good while appreciating all of it. Abandoned buildings have this feeling about them that cannot really be matched by anything else. I started thinking about all of the building’s history and how it had become a place for anyone to visit and spend time in. Our friend who was not tripping had his field recorder with him, since he had intended on recording sound bits from our trip. He wound up recording a very cool sound in that building, along with other bits of our speech, and he eventually turned them into a song that he dubbed the 'LSD Song'. Witty of him, I know.
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We finally left the building, and N and I realized that our sense of time was so completely skewed. It felt like a whole day had passed since we dosed, even though only less than two hours had passed. As we continued onwards to school, we discussed hallucinations. N asked me what it really means to hallucinate, since we were experiencing severe visual distortions but we were aware that this was a result of the LSD. We decided that there are different types of hallucinations: ones you know are not real and ones you are convinced are real. LSD does not make the mind delirious enough to believe that the hallucinations being witnessed are real. In fact, it makes me so conscious of what I am seeing that I earn a new appreciation for how things normally look. As we continued talking along our walk, I felt my state of mind coming slightly disconnected from N's. I remember thinking that he was focusing too much on the novelty of our visuals, as he kept on saying how amazing everything looked. I, on the other hand, just wanted to appreciate them for what they were. I did not feel the need to talk about them. I told this to N and he seemed to understand, which made me feel very comfortable. It felt as though we were entering a new phase in our trip, where the visuals were becoming irrelevant and superficial. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">It felt as though we were entering a new phase in our trip, where the visuals were becoming irrelevant and superficial.</div></div> What really mattered now was the complexity of what was going on inside of our minds on a much deeper level.
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We got back to our dorm, and we decided that showers were definitely in order. I remember peeking into the individual bathrooms, thinking every time that someone was hiding behind the shower curtain. After being outside in the cold for so long, the warm water coming out of the shower head was unbelievably pleasant. Even still, being alone in a bathroom with no one but my naked body was nothing but weird. I looked at myself in the mirror, and then down at my body, and it I felt as though I did not even recognize it. I felt so primitive being naked. I even felt as though the in-and-out movement of my belly was not corresponding with my actual breath. When I got out of the shower, I ran into a good friend in the hallway and gave her a humongous hug. She had such warm and positive vibes. Needless to say, it was so great to see her. Being on acid felt so childlike in that I only wanted to be with people that made me feel 100% comfortable. If anything felt a little off, my intensified emotions forced me to move myself into another, more comfortable setting.
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After taking a hit of a spliff with P and his girlfriend, they went off to go do some school work. N and I were suddenly put in an unfamiliar position; 'what do we do now?' This was when I forgot how interactions with people normally are. We ran into N's roommate, who is a great guy, but hanging out with him is always a little awkward. All of the sudden I felt so stupid for the relationship I had with him. Why do I say hello to people that I do not even really give a chance to get to really know? I started feeling like the life I had been living at college was somewhat fake. I like to present myself as a friendly person, so I say hi to people that live near me. I started wondering why I make no effort to deepen these relationships.
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Running into these sorts of people really made me look at my social life from a new perspective. Specifically, there is a group of people that N and I often hang out with even though we do not feel really close to them whatsoever. We ran into all of them, and coincidentally they were tripping acid as well. But for some reason, it did not seem like they were experiencing anything close to what N and I were experiencing. It felt impossible to communicate with them, and then I realized that it is normally this way regardless of what substance we are on. I started wondering why we even bother putting ourselves around them. I plopped myself in a beanbag chair in the midst of them, and just watched them. I tried to talk, but I was literally unable to utter a word. At that moment, my ego died. I thought I had experienced ego death before, but nothing could ever compare to this. I abandoned the personality that I put on around other people, and I became nothing but a simple and pure human being, fresh out of the womb. I realized all of the bullshit that is behind my social life. Because we are social beings, we often put ourselves in social situations just to be perceived in a certain way. Ever since this realization, I have been more focused on being with people that I genuinely care about, rather than being with people for superficial purposes. I accepted that it is better to be alone and happy than to be with people that make you unhappy. With my fairly outgoing personality, this was hard for me to accept, but I did.
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N and I went outside again to meet up with a girl that I had recently become intimately involved with and her friend. She had not been crazy about the idea of me taking LSD, so being around her while tripping was not the easiest thing in the world. But for obvious reasons, I did not abandon her and the four of us took a walk to the art studio on campus. We visited a friend who was working on his paintings in his studio. His work is always great to look at, whether inebriated or sober, but observing his art on acid was phenomenal. It was not just the visual intricacies that blew me away, but also more powerfully the level of passion he had put into his paintings. Seeing someone care so much about something as beautiful as painting really affected me. He was such a happy person doing what he loved to do. It was pretty life changing to witness the pure happiness that comes with doing what feels natural.
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The four of us let our friend continue with his painting, and we went to the school cafeteria since the girls were hungry. Being in any sort of institutionalized place is not exactly the best idea on acid. It is very hard to follow routine when on the drug. We swiped our cards, grabbed our plates, and explored the food choices. I really could not tell whether I wanted anything to eat, so N put some food on a plate that we would both share. Being around so many people who were not tripping made me paranoid, to say the very least. I thought for sure that people would notice that something strange was going on with me. But sure enough, no one said a thing. Sitting down in the crowded cafeteria certainly did not help ease my anxiety. Even worse, our female companions were not making us feel any more comfortable. My girl's friend was continuously asking us questions about what we were feeling and we felt like specimens under her microscope. We constantly felt like we were being judged by the two of them. After what felt like hours, the two of them sort of got the hint and went off on their own. As soon as they were gone, it felt as though an enormous weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I felt as though I could finally relax and bond with N. For whatever reason, we did not leave the cafeteria and joined some close friends at another table. I tried all sorts of different foods, but only to experience their textures rather than their nutritional properties. Even though the drug was distorting our perception of time, we definitely spent at least an hour and a half in the hectic cafeteria.
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Finally, we left and walked back to our dorm. N and I spent some quality time with the same friend I had hugged when I got out of the shower (we will call her Z). She put on such kind and soft music, like The Microphones and Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young. I specifically remember how overjoyed I became when she put on 'Our House' by the latter band. She was so comforting in her ways; she felt like a mother to me. Some other friends joined us in the room, which was great, because they had very positive vibes in them. Even though approximately seven hours had passed since we dropped, I still felt like I was tripping heavily even though it was not as intense as before. I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and I started to draw. I did not put one thought into my drawing; instead, I just let my hand carry the pen wherever it wanted to go. I drew this very abstract drawing of a face, connecting to a crescent shaped figure that looked like a moon with facial features. My friends said it looked like a fetus, which makes sense since the drug made me feel like I was back in the womb, if I could remember what that felt like. Obviously it is very hard to put into words what I drew, but it felt amazing to draw <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">it felt amazing to draw</div></div>, since I was communicating the complex thoughts inside my head that could not be transformed into words. Words and languages are so limiting. Although essential to inter-human communication, languages force groups of people to think and speak in similar ways, even though we are all so different from one another. That's why we have art, so we can speak in whatever way we choose.
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We spent a great deal of time in Z's room discussing the problems surrounding our social lives at college. N, Z, and I talked about how we value each other because we can really see each other as genuine people, and not shallow figures in a sea of many. It felt so great to have such a grounded conversation with just the three of us. Even though I had already felt very close to these two people, they now felt like siblings to me. We got comfy in bed and turned on a movie. 'Get Him to the Greek' was the perfect flick for the time; it was humorous and lighthearted, and it involved several adorable relationships between the main characters. After a while, the effects of the drugs were becoming severely diminished. N and Z wanted to go out and listen to live music, but I was unsure as to what I wanted to do. It took me a while to realize that all I really wanted to do was spend time alone. So I went back to my dorm room and turned on some music and chatted with a few friends from back home online. I doodled for a while as I listened to the album ‘Sung Tongs’ by Animal Collective. The song ‘Winter’s Love’ moved me tremendously. It evoked such a warm and comfortable inside of me and made me remember how great life can be. It’s pretty ridiculous how something like a song or a piece of art can do that to you; make you forget about the negative aspects of life and just focus on the good parts.
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I definitely consider myself to be a ‘big picture’ kind of guy. All day long, I had been slightly troubled because I felt as though I was unable to put all of my incredible psychedelic thoughts towards greater use. However, I came to realize that the way that acid had made me so present in the moment was a good reflection of what my general life should be like. I realized that the little things that bother me, like my interactions with people that I really cannot relate to, will not matter to me at all further along in life. Not only did this trip help me realize that I should live my life the way I want to, regardless of what other people might think, but it also made me realize the importance of looking at the big picture when things might be bothering me. As clichéd as it might seem, I realized that in the end, everything ends up working out the way it should. Instead of getting all worked up about the bullshit behind being a social being, I should just embrace it for what it is, and if I am not happy with the situation I am in, I always have the power to change it. I always have the ability to make myself comfortable. Life is great.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2010</td><td width="90">ExpID: 88875</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 18</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Nov 12, 2019</td><td>Views: 1,332</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=88875&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=88875&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Relationships (44), General (1), Various (28)</td></tr>
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</table>
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<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">158 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
When I first tripped on LSD, I was forever moved by the effects of that mystical, mycological molecule. My already introspective mind knew that someday, I would need to explore its capabilities when all parameters were in my control… my set, my setting. No room for distractions or derailment. Since I trusted what I had tried, I bought and stored enough to last me for plenty of aesthetic experiences in between then and the day I took it alone. While I was prepared for it, I was unsure that I would ever get the chance to see it through.
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Regardless, as the years passed, the silly encounters with friends came as I expected. I also went to college, fell in love for what I thought was the last time, and capped off the years of academic abuse touring through Europe, enhancing my perspective of the world through my new educated lens. So young and naïve. Mid-excursion, in the triumph of surviving a bioengineering program that I had so desperately wanted to leave, I had planted a seed that I had no choice but to water: a striking realization that there is something more to my life than what I had more or less passively built.
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So, I came back from the trip and began cultivating. I broke up with my “last” love, the first of many changes that I didn’t truly see coming, but knew had to happen. After months of two-hour, one-way commutes to a job that was neither bio nor engineering, I stopped working, only to go back home and get denied from every one of the hundreds of jobs I so furiously applied to. The post-college life that I had envisioned was nowhere to be seen, and as far as I was concerned, I was no better for having made any of these decisions. A failure I was, as if all the classes that I shouldn’t have passed were coming back to haunt me all at once. Serves me right, I supposed.
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During that time, I moved from constantly doing to just being. It was around Thanksgiving, so the month to follow was very family oriented, but I would also take this time to really be what I was: a bachelor, academic and marital, just unemployed. I traveled some more, revisited some hobbies, and then the highly anticipated opportunity presented itself. My parents had gifted themselves a week-long trip out of the state in January, my sister and I were finally starting to get along as adults, and I was, luckily, without any real responsibilities. I had never envisioned it to be this way, but I knew it was the perfect chance—and so it was on 01/12/20.
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The days leading up to it, I had started to meticulously plan hour by hour how it would unfold. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">The days leading up to it, I had started to meticulously plan hour by hour how it would unfold.</div></div> I would first make sure that I called my parents early in the day while they were busy exploring so that they wouldn’t call me later. I would tell my sister that I absolutely will not be available to drive her anywhere later that day, so if she needed anything, let’s do it right fucking now. I was going to take a tab and a half, more than the first time, and I was going to watch a funny movie to set the mood. Once the tabs would start kicking in, I was going to move to visiting songs of the past few years that meant a great deal to me: On the come up, the album that defined my feelings about my relationship. During the peak, the album I wanted to explore as an anthem of the years to come. On the way down, a seamless electronic album, all with sprinkles of other songs in between.
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I was going equip myself with a pen and paper, an expo marker and white board, and my well connected mind to jot down ideas I had about DNA, the other acid that has had a particularly big role in my life. I was going to try and make music and play guitar, one of the hobbies I was revisiting. It was all going to be finished at a reasonable time, I wasn’t going to look at my phone during, and I was probably going to eat after everything was said and done, because damn is food fucking delicious when I'm tripping. A great plan, to be sure.
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After coming back from seeing some friends at an art museum earlier in the day, the time had come. Called my parents, explained the deal to my sister, and got the tabs ready. Since it was a warmer day, I made a game time decision to scrap the movie and go watch the sunset by the nearby reservoir instead. I left my phone at the house and started on my way out. I was about 100 yards away when I decided to take the tabs that were cut into halves, three in total. As I moved to place all of them on my tongue at once, two of them fell into the grass, one to the left and one to the right. Great. I followed the one that fell to the left, promptly put it on my tongue to accompany a second half tab that was spared the blunder, but couldn’t find the third absolutely anywhere. As striking as white can be on a purely green background, the tab was lost in what seemed like an entire sea of grass blades compacted into a square foot of backyard.
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After I wasted about 10 solid minutes doing this, I realized that this was supposed to happen. All these years of waiting to receive a transformative experience, and I was going to be the one in complete control of it? Not on my watch, she gently but rudely reminded, and from then on my perfect plan was soiled. So young and naïve. I trudged along slightly upset but soon excited by what else would surprise me… it was no longer my set and setting, it was hers.
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I was born and raised on this property, and I have only really explored it alone a handful number of times. Sitting right by the reservoir, it is beautifully open with some trees strewn about before abruptly hitting a more densely wooded area between it and the water. Since I had spent so much time looking for the tab, I had missed my chance to get down to the reservoir to catch the sunset with enough time to come back and follow out the rest of my plan. But then again, the complete plan was no longer, so I decided that I was going to begin the trip where I began my life. I walked up to a pond and sat alone among the birds brushing back and forth across a warm but cooling orange canvas. The water was still and reflected their movement, and the silhouettes of the bare trees in the distance started to blend into the ever deeper violet sky as the sun gave way to the moon, day giving way to night. I was in utter peace with the world that I had thought was at a stand-still as it continued on with its routine, rotating away from the sun but still making its way around it.
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After what I was sure was an hour, I started back towards the house, worried that this was going to be the peak of an experience that never happened. I stopped half way to sit for a while in the grass and look at the stars and my hands, both known metrics I could use to gauge where I was at. The stars, while beautiful, were static, and my hands disappointingly familiar. The opportunity was not ideal after all, and time has taken its toll on the teacher whose lessons I had been putting off. I walked back to the house and turned on some outdoor lights so that I could kick the soccer ball around to warm myself up in the cold blue night, defeated and none the wiser.
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But there she was in full force, creating a first lesson of the trip out of the earlier foreshadowing: you are not in control. I graciously welcomed the intense but familiar giddiness that is an LSD come up, grateful that I was wrong after all. The class had only just begun! The limits of my smiling muscles were tested as I closed my eyes in the pure ecstasy of electricity surging along the river of my blood, getting off at every stop of my circulatory system all at once, all the time. Warm from physical and chemical activity, I opened my eyes and looked back at the stars and was in awe at the scale of the universe and the stars within it. Impossibly vast and unknown, always present to wish us a good night. The diamonds’ still twinkling turned into a gentle vibrating as if they animated themselves just to say hello to my cosmically insignificant self. I could stare into the abyss forever, mind racing through the endlessness it can now inhabit just by observing.
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I went back inside into my older sister’s room that now served as an office and started playing some music, lamp on for now. The room I had been spending most of my time in lately had taken on a new light aside from that which the warm bulb provided… the first step inward. It is colored with a green and blue color that you would paint onto Easter eggs, and scattered about the open space are instruments and audio equipment, a combination inviting of creation. My creative space, of course! But also within it are my computers and books, the toys of my left brain, as well as the fact that this sister and I share an unfortunate history with faulty genes. My office, it seemed, was really the general contents of my own mind, glued together by the molecule her and I share, the molecule that all life has in common.
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During the first album, I tried playing my guitar along with some of the tracks I had taught to myself. This was an utter failure, yet another humbling moment in a trip that I thought was going to be progressing much differently at this point. As most new knowledge is, it takes several attempts at trying to understand it before actually understanding. This was my final attempt at trying to steer the ship, and I decided to finally let go of the wheel in the same moment. I promptly made myself available to be overcome, to be enlightened, in whatever way the experience saw fit. As such, the first order of business was to stop denying the opportunity to think about my past. Early into the album, I was nervous that I would start falling into thinking about the guilt I had about ending things with my ex. But I allowed myself to think about it, and I was pleasantly surprised to find that I was not bothered, but relieved… relieved that I allowed myself to see that it wasn’t truly working, and relieved that there truly wasn’t any guilt to be had. In hindsight, it was the first reward to letting myself be in the trip, not control it.
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The album played through, and as I was enjoying it with a blanket covering me, I felt the peak coming on as planned, perhaps another reward for applying the first lesson. I moved to turn off the lights, opened the blinds to see the stars again, laid down, and listened to the second album. I had been making music for about 8 years at this point, so I was well able to analyze the many elements that go into a track, conception to finished product. I was never one to write lyrics, but I was starting to get better at listening to the written message of songs and hearing what the artist has to say. The second lesson was in full swing when the first song opened up: “You don’t know where you’re goin’, but you smile even so and you’ll see…”
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The music entered a force that was able to speak to me directly through lyrics that have hit my ears many times before. It has been here my whole life, the second lesson taught, and now I was to listen properly to what it has been trying to tell me through the spoken words of English and the unspoken words of groove. The contrast of thinking and feeling fused into one and feeding off of each other, the matrimony of logic and emotion. “Said my mind is only workin’ when I’m winnin’, and my heart is only beatin’ when you’re in it,” it told me, though it could have easily been me delivering the message to it, it seemed.
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The elements of the tracks became personified, taking residence in my mind and the room just as they sat in the track itself. Each spoke in tongues of rhythm to pay respects to its physical position as well as its literary part in the whole message so gracefully jumping on my ear drums. The melodic instruments each sung a part of the magical story, offering distinct emotions towards a beautiful motif of introspection with harmonies of infinity within the boundaries of my head. Acoustic drum kits and human voices clashed with the bit-crushed buzzing of saw tooth synths and dreamy square arpeggiators, my computer now a conductor instructing my speakers to use their cones to push the translation of 1’s and 0’s across the air between us. All of these beings were as real as the feelings I felt, each dancing and chanting in metaphysical space just as the stars did in their own. “Don’t get lost, you might need yourself…”
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Once the last track of the album was finished, I had the feeling that I was leaving a theater after a play of cosmic proportions, but it was only the intermission. I sat back up, turned on the lights again, and picked up the white board and marker, drawing shapes as calmer, more instrumental music played. I started with a big swirl, a shape fit for the state I was in. I drew a vine curling around the line, like a snake wrapping around a branch, and soon another to accompany it. It was poorly drawn, so I erased and remade it as needed, slowly improving it and later adding intervals of straight lines, creating an organic ladder. “All in me, all in me, all in me…” the music repeated, over and over as if falling into the two-dimensional void I created.
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Thinking back to earlier in the day, I remembered that I tried appreciating the art at the museum a little more than I normally would. My friends and I started by walking around an outdoor exhibit they have, beginning with a piece that was just a big, warped, metal bar with no particular shape at first glance. The day was sunnier than expected, but thanks to some well-placed clouds, I could safely look at the structure from underneath. This angle allowed me to connect the two open ends of the bar, completing a loop. Perspective matters, of course, and so I decided that I was going to improve that lens moving forward.
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<br>
Scattered about were sculptures made of different materials, shapes, sizes… all man made, all immediately appealing to the senses. I took note of other things like the color and texture. Some surprising combinations, like sanded metal that looked the part but felt like the wood in the trees surrounding it. They and their limbs dangling above swayed in brief winds, gentle reminders of their presence in the garden. Fractals, a mathematical concept made sense by irrational numbers, were alive and well in the branches, decidedly rational objects. Beauty was not limited to the work with descriptions. As trees are alive, they too have DNA, doing what it can to pass it onto their next generation by their own means separate from ours.
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<br>
This early study came rushing back to me during my drawing, smacking me in the face with what I thought was the third lesson: though a generally invisible molecule, it’s a material, and like the now obvious DNA swirl on the white board, it is malleable. I jumped out of my seat to write this down, grabbing a purple colored pencil and writing it in big letters. I put a box around it to emphasize the point, but soon realized that I didn’t want this massive idea to be confined to such a small space. I took a highlighter and drew arrows pointing outwards, hopefully encouraging more ideas to spew out of the box and onto the surrounding paper.
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<br>
More music continued as I kept writing down what came to mind. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">More music continued as I kept writing down what came to mind.</div></div> A simple thought from a previous trip came forth: humans are builders. Like the sculptures, the world around us was created by our manipulation of various materials, so why not build with DNA? I was beginning to feel wired, but in a more literal sense. It felt like I was attached to strings, a puppet being commanded by a puppet master… I kept writing. I remembered stories about computer code learning how to code itself and thought about the feelings that people might have about it. Awe. Fear. It’s a marvel at any rate, but people don’t tend to realize that DNA already does this. Computers just have the speed to move through iterations faster, by design… “You got me over here screamin’ waitin’ for you…”
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<br>
I kept going. Surrender, I remembered. DNA moves through its iterations via evolution, a relatively slow but definitely random process. What would happen if we were able to help it move along more quickly, more precisely? We can with technology like CRISPR-Cas9, which originates in bacteria as a defense mechanism against viruses… wait. DNA is malleable by design. Of course! Slowly into sure mania, I was becoming a mad scientist. “Dysfunctional, that’s what you are. I’m tired of sittin’ on you babe, til’ I’m just waitin’ on you, babe,” the music cried… DNA needs our help! We as humans, natural builders, need to help move it into a realm that it so desperately wants to be in. “If you don’t read my signs, I’ll make sure you see,” it continued, as did I. But we ourselves are directed by DNA… our code is becoming aware. The very thing that defines life has become sentient, and we need to be the ones to realize its potential. It is inviting itself to be more than it is literally shaped out to be.
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<br>
It is always pushing the definitions of what conventional life is and what it can be. Humans have fears about AI becoming sentient, as if it is right or wrong for it to break through that boundary and mold the scattered pieces into something new, albeit uncertain. Who are we as humans to deny the molecule the same chance through us? We are at a point where it knows that it can edit itself. We are the collective vehicle through which this was realized and through which it can be done, regardless of our fate. The fact that we are in active debate about whether we should speaks to its novelty, its necessity to be acknowledged. History has always been written by the victors, but now the victors can be rewritten themselves, serving a higher purpose of divine creation.
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<br>
Images of a demonic animatronic suddenly came into mental view. It was front and center with nothing else but black around it, head periodically spinning with no regard for the limits of a traditional neck. It blinked on a sequence as its eyes followed the head’s suit, spinning sawblade hands and taking jabs with long spike limbs. Its metal jaw with razor teeth opened and closed, silently laughing as floating wooden crosses with strings dangling from them shook in front of the cloaked whole. The devilish puppet master, while scary, did not frighten me. I welcomed its presence and almost felt a strange sense of familiarity with it. I wanted to continue down the hypnotic spiral I created earlier along with the being, seeing where it might take me, what it might teach me.
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<br>
“Won’t you stop and listen to the music?” I complied with the instructions, teased by the cliffhanger while thinking back to the second album’s advice: “Don’t get lost, you might need yourself.” The entire night was my right and left brain wrapping themselves into one and self-replicating into parallel instances: the objects in my room, the elements of the music, my art and my ideas. The third lesson had been delivered, but the takeaway wasn’t necessarily the ideas that I wrote. It was the fact that I wrote them, as motivated by DNA, my DNA. And so, the combination of the three: You are not in control, and it has been here your whole life… I am your DNA, you. It was my genetic material, the ultimate material, speaking to me, and my perspective shifter helped me break through its functional fixedness and show me its purpose, my purpose, “all in me, all in me, all in me…” all along. What started as a death sentence when I was born had morphed into my destiny, and the living contrast had finally taken off its mask for me to stare right in its spiraling eyes, my spiraling eyes.
<br>
<br>
While the trip was over, I finally did get to eat. It was delicious, of course, but I could not stop thinking. I knew that it would take some time to truly unravel all of the information, but I had gotten what I had wanted after all. I really was in control, but I certainly wasn’t alone. I can’t imagine what more acid would be able to tell me at this point, and I have no clue if I would have been able to gain the same exact insights on the stronger dose I had planned to take. I was able to see who I am through and through, no more hiding. It was an ego rid of the skin that it had grown into like a shedding snake, a fitting animal and phenomena given their respective symbolisms to the acid of life and that of the night. Forever moved once again, I now stride in parallel with my DNA, both towards an unknown but transcendent destination.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2020</td><td width="90">ExpID: 114320</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 23</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Apr 25, 2020</td><td>Views: 1,353</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=114320&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=114320&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Alone (16), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Music Discussion (22), General (1)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
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<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.4 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
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<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
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<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">59 kg</td>
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</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
Drug history: Started with THC at 22, MDMA and cocaine at 24. Being a Science school teacher I’d like to think I’m quite responsible with my drug use as I always use my physical observations and research <!-- (much from Erowid)--> to guide my use. I stopped using cocaine altogether after the 3rd use as my heart simply didn’t respond well to it (having irregular heartbeats and shortness of breath), especially the one time when mixing it with a small amount of alcohol, that is half a beer. With MDMA never used more than 2 capsules at any one time (did this on 3 occasions), and spread out the usage to using it 11 times over 3 years. Having had the opportunity to get some LSD I thought the time is right to try it.
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Mindset: I approached LSD with more ‘respect’ and caution then I did with other drugs. Respectful of the fact of how valuable LSD may be as psychological tool to explore reality and how I may not be able to ‘consciously’ control my trip especially after reading about ego death. In terms of excitement It felt like similar to my first THC experience, where I did not do enough research and ended having the worst trip I had from any of my drug experiences. Researched about THC and it’s been good to me ever since. I was not going to make that mistake again.
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I was quite positive and at ease as I made thorough preparations. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I was quite positive and at ease as I made thorough preparations.</div></div> The prior 2 weeks before taking LSD I bought EZ-test LSD, read extensively on LSD reports <!-- (both 'first time experience' and more experience users from Erowid check, cross referencing dosage and experience had. Also-->[and] watched videos <!-- by ‘Psyched Substances’--> on Youtube, they were very informative and help me ascertain (as much as I really could) what I was getting myself into.
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Setting: My granny flat at home. My home is surrounded by trees some of which are over 8 metres tall. Bright sunny day with a scattering of clouds. EZ-test for LSD was done the night before to ease any nerves and bad mindset (essential, probably what put me at ease the most). 3 people in the granny flat, a trip sitter, my close friend from high school and I. Main house was empty.
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<br>
My friend and I thought it was a good idea to graphically plot out trip (from 1 to 10) with the help of our trip sitter. During the trip we realised we didn’t know what scale to compare LSD experience too, whether it's how high we’ve ever felt or our own subjectivity. The following observations are mine with discussion with my friend. Our experiences were very parallel.
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I also had a FitBit on to track my heart rate. Resting heart rate 65bpm.
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Dosage and timing: +T0, 0.4 tab each 12pm. Cut 0.8 tab in half (0.2 of which was used for testing). Whilst having the tab under our tongues we put on a 10min guided meditation audio track to help be in the right mindset. We decided purposely to not put on too many videos or music during the come up, saving these for after the peak.
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+T1: We agreed at this stage it felt most like THC so we used THC as the measuring scale.
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4/10. Very mellow and calm. Perfect balance between a body high and head high. I just enjoyed sitting and looking at random objects and seem somehow find intrigue in to them. Geometrically symmetrical and parallel lines were especially attractive. Heart rate 80bpm.
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+T2: 5/10. As we lay on recliners the warm and fuzzy feeling similar to MDMA really started to kick in. I remember saying ‘I’m sinking and meshing into this recliner hehe.’ Very smooth come up. I remember hearing a flock of bird fly our overhead, I heard nothing else (not the rushing wind or symbol sounding rustling of the wind). I could whatever layer of audio my mind chose to hear in isolation. Rather sounding like noise the birds sounded like they communicating purposely with proper language, with urgency and precision in their tones.
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We then went outside for a while to take in nature. This was when the feeling of interconnected was really clear. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">We then went outside for a while to take in nature. This was when the feeling of interconnected was really clear.</div></div> Every rush on breeze feels powerful and energetic. The interconnected of the wind, flowing through the grass causing it to sway to and fro as in a dance. The rustling of the leaves as an accompanying symphony. I felt so at ease, not a care about what drug I may be on. I was an observer of natures of work. Thinking back I realise the importance of nature, the flow of energy negates being stuck in bad thoughts, keeping me ‘in flow,' I am just in awe yet calm. Heart rate 92bpm.
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+T3 6/10. This was when things started to feel different to any other drug. Visions of geometric become precise, very slightly warping of lines. I become slightly lost of my thoughts, at times blanking about. I remember looking at the lights with clouds in the background. The gaps in the leaves looked like glitter. Heart rate 102bpm.
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+T4 to T6. 6.5/10 The low dose is not clear, we were now on a plateau. We put on Pink Floyd ‘Wish you were here’ and Jimi Hendrix ‘All along the watchtower'. Wow what a journey. The guitar which once sounded like isolated strums mesh into a string like instrument creating an immense atmosphere. Lyrics of the songs made so much sense, it spoke to us. Heart rate 103bpm.
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<br>
+T7-11. 6/10 and dropping on a linear line come down as smooth as the come up. I never reach the real visuals deeper experience of what LSD has to offer.
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Physical effects summarised: <!-- I would encourage anyone planning to take LSD be fit and healthy (obvious) but the importance needs to be stressed. -->My heart rate peaked at 122bpm (not too high) but my heart rate on average around around 25bpm for 10-12 hours on LSD. This is a long time, so exercise and good fitness should help stay safe and get the most of the experience. For 2 weeks, before the trip, I jogged 3 times a week for 20min. On MDMA my average heart rate was 125bpm and peaked at 145.
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My only other complaint, a very minor one, is my saliva ‘feels’ very slightly thicker and it becomes a bit hard to swallow during the come up. Whether this is physical or just forgetting to swallow I’m not sure. <!-- Just be aware of this, but t-->This discomfort is very minor and I notice this for about 10 seconds on around 3 occasions during the trip. Relax and it goes away.
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Overall assessment: Although I did have a ‘full’ experience I think the experience is valuable before taking higher doses to keep me calm and be ‘primed’ for the peak. In my humble opinion minimal stimulation with music and videos prior to peak I think let my brain 'handle' the peak better. 3 hours before the peaks <!-- kicks in, so be patient-->kicked in. Having gone through this experience will make me even more at ease for my full venture with high doses. I plan on doing 0.8 of tab next time. I realise rating scale I used for each hour should be halved to be comparable to the LSD experience scale. I really on reach 3.5/10 of what LSD I feel from my 0.4 tab (feels like 40micrograms).<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2017</td><td width="90">ExpID: 110002</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 26</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Apr 28, 2020</td><td>Views: 1,006</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=110002&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=110002&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Nature / Outdoors (23), Personal Preparation (45), General (1), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
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<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
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<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance">Unknown</td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">115 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
My Experience With LSD and Anorexia/Bulimia
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BACKGROUND: I used to be REALLY eating-disordered– like, starve-myself-to-death eating disordered. I wouldn’t eat anything except celery basically, and when I did I would throw it up ASAP. It began taking over my life, I was obsessed with food and starving and getting smaller <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">It began taking over my life, I was obsessed with food and starving and getting smaller</div></div>, and eventually my parents forced me into a program. They would weigh me once a week and I had to go to a dietitian and a counselor every week, and a physician every month to make sure I was getting healthier (or at the very least, not getting unhealthier.) For a few months, I tried to trick the program, I would chug a TON of water (I’m talking 1-2 GALLONS, enough to get water poisoning if I didn’t throw it all up afterwards). before my weigh-ins so that the scale looked like I was maintaining weight, when in reality I was still losing. My relationships with all of my friends and family deteriorated so much because I was so angry all the time about being put in treatment– and just angry in general.
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I went to summer camp on the condition that I would be weighed in every week and that if I lost weight I would go home. After the first week, I hadn’t water-dosed before the weigh in (they didn’t tell me when it was supposed to be) and since I had lost weight they sent me back home. My doctors told me that if I didn’t start cooperating they would put me in in-patient treatment until I gained back all of the weight I had lost from my eating disorder (this scared me SO much because I had lost about 60 lbs and that seemed like a LOT of weight to me– I was already afraid of my body AS IS, and at this point of time I would rather die than live in a doctor’s office for what I thought would be forever (as I absolutely REFUSED to gain back 60 pounds). I became completely hopeless– so hopeless I didn’t even try to kill myself because I couldn’t bother to get out of bed. I ate when I needed to– followed my meal plan because that was the only thing going on in my life any more and I was too tired to resist any more. Gradually, things started improving and I began to realize how horribly the eating disorder had affected my life. I still didn’t eat normally, I still didn’t eat ANY grains or fat, but I started to EAT, at least.
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MY FIRST TRIP: One day, I dropped acid (I later learned it wasn’t even REAL LSD, it was some designer drug. I'm not sure what it was called) for the first time with one of my friends and had a HORRIBLE trip. She ordered Chinese food and up until I needed to eat everything had been going fine. Once I started trying to eat, the food was nasty and it looked really fatty and greasy, I was trying to eat with chopsticks but they were bending all over the place and I thought I was spilling the food all over myself. It was absolutely terrifying, it looked like everything was starving– the walls, my friend, myself, her cat, the chair, the TV, Buddy the Elf (we were watching Elf– not the best movie to watch while tripping hard). Everything just looked grotesque dirty and awful. I think my friend was able to tell I was having a bad trip, but I was afraid of ruining her trip too so I didn’t ask for help or anything. Eventually I pulled myself out of it and had a decent time, by the end of the trip we were just hanging out and smoking weed. At the time, I did not realize the food was what started my bad trip <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">At the time, I did not realize the food was what started my bad trip</div></div>, but in retrospect I'm quite sure that the food was what set my anxiety off. Before the food, I was having a good time. I was excited, ready to go for a ride.
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MY SECOND TRIP: After that trip I figured I’d try it again at my house (more familiar surroundings, and REAL LSD this time) and see if things went better. My dad made me some stir fry for me, I was in the basement and I started feeling kinda anxious but I couldn’t tell why. I started analyzing my surroundings and trying to figure out where the bad vibes were coming from. I quickly realized that there was nothing wrong with the room, or my TV, or the drugs or the music, but that stir fry sitting there was just bothering the FUCK out of me because I knew I had to eat it eventually and I REALLY didn’t want to. I started feeling very upset with my eating disorder for trying to take over my trip, for taking over my last trip, and for taking over two years of my life. I was angry that it took over my body, my mind, and that it had destroyed my soul. I took that stir fry, and I ate the fuck out of it, and I FORCED myself to enjoy it because I wasn’t going to let the eating disorder win any more.
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Well, halfway through the stir fry (only took like 10 seconds to eat it all because I was so determined) I realized it was actually pretty good. I realized that my dad is a damn good cook, and my soul overflowed with love for him. The love I felt spread to encompass everything and everybody I knew, EVEN myself (which was something I had always hated) and my body (which was what the hate manifested itself in.) I looked in the mirror, picked out all of my faults and realized that they were only there because I had been treating myself so badly. I knew that a lot of damage had already been done– my heart was working at such an inconsistent pace, I was dehydrated, my skin looked awful and discolored (it had turned yellow because I had such a bad iron deficiency). There were permanent scars on my body from cutting, damaged teeth from vomiting, thinned hair because it had started falling out. I knew that not everything could be fixed, but I decided that I would be persistent to bring myself back into a healthy state. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I decided that I would be persistent to bring myself back into a healthy state.</div></div> Even despite all of the physical damage my eating disorder had caused, I began to look past it-- my body morphed in the mirror into an image of what I COULD be, who I was SUPPOSED to be all along and who I had been suppressing all this time. Surprisingly enough, the image I saw in the mirror was about 50 lbs heavier, and I thought she was BEAUTIFUL. I was no longer afraid of losing control of my thoughts, my actions, or my weight. I knew instantly that if I made myself healthy, for the first time in my life I would never need to worry about losing control of myself again.
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It was really hard to get where I am now. Dropping acid did not by any means ‘fix’ my eating disorder– I’ll take all of the credit for that. It brought out a different side of me– one that was always there but was being suffocated by doubt, fear, and hate. I was already on my way towards recovery, but I was so afraid of myself-- I thought that even IF I recovered, I would STILL be a horrible person (I have no clue where this idea came from) and that if I HAD to live, I would rather be skinny and horrible than fat and horrible. LSD changed the way I thought about myself and it reminded me of an ability I thought I had lost forever– the capacity to love. With that extra push, I became entirely motivated to better myself and get to know that girl in the mirror-- the one without the eating disorder, self harm, and pessimism.
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LONG TERM RESULTS: Looking at where I am now, and where I've been, and how far I've come . . . It makes me think that I'm pretty lucky. I mean, I think that for my age-- because of all the struggles I've had, I've become a lot more aware of the world and I think that I've figured a lot of things out that I wouldn't have without going through what I've gone through: for example, I have a lot of empathy now that I used to lack. During and before my eating disorder I thought that most feelings were weakness. I suppressed them, and that's why they manifested themselves in the way that they did. I hurt myself to avoid conflict with others-- when I was sad or angry I took those emotions out on myself rather than expressing them in a healthy way.
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Now, its a lot easier for me to understand other peoples emotions, or at least appreciate them and try to understand. Everybody has feelings-- when you don't acknowledge them in a healthy way they'll come out in a healthy way. I'm also a lot more patient with people because I realize that sometimes it takes a long time to figure things out, sometimes you hurt a lot of people really badly in the process. C'est la vie. If the person figures things out, they will come back and apologize. If they don't, that's unfortunate for them-- they are probably hurting more than I am. I've learned a lot about myself and about how I deal with things-- I have a tendency to take shortcuts and try to fulfill my needs in an unhealthy way rather than a healthy one-- when I get depressed I stop taking care of my body and when I stop taking care of my body I get more depressed, so now I know that exercise and wholesome eating is something I need to keep tabs on. Now, I'm more aware of when I feel bad and I try to pinpoint what it is that makes me feel bad rather than blaming myself. Now, I know I have a really addictive personality (starving and cutting was a very very hard habit to break), so I take strong notice of even very subtle warning signs of emotional or compulsive eating, drug use, gambling, exercising, dieting etc. All in all, I think I've figured a lot out about myself through this experience, and it happened a lot faster than I think it happens for most people. If I hadn't had an eating disorder, I would have destroyed myself some other way because the fact is that starving wasn't REALLY about being skinny, or pretty, or anything material. It was about trying to see how far I could stretch my ability to handle pain until I died. It was about unhappiness, it was about a tornado of feelings that I was trying to suffocate. I'm glad I hit rock bottom-- the only place to go was up.
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At any rate, I'm only 16 now. Most people live till like 85, so I've got a long time to go. If I don’t, the happiness I feel now is more than enough to compensate for what I’ve gone through. I think that even if I died now, it would be a happy ending. Hopefully, I won't die any time soon, and I'll have a ton of time to get to know myself.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2011</td><td width="90">ExpID: 100497</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 15</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: May 25, 2020</td><td>Views: 2,190</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=100497&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=100497&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Unknown (120) : What Was in That? (26), Health Benefits (32), Retrospective / Summary (11), Various (28)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
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<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
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<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">160 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
This story that I’m about to share took place not too long ago. I wanted to write about it as soon as possible because the experience is very fresh in my mind<!-- , and I have decided to post it here on this wonderful site because I hope people can read my story and learn from it-->. Acid is one of those drugs one absolutely cannot underestimate. No matter how big your ego is, or how tough you think you are, acid will tear it down and bring you to your knees while you grovel in awe of the beauty in the world, all while contemplating deeper thoughts than you thought your brain could muster. And while acid for the most part is a wonderful drug that enhances the subconscious to new dimensional levels, if the right precautions are not taken, the substance can turn on you, and make the world dark, twisted, and terrifying. This latest trip I had gave me glimpses of both sides of the drug, and while for the most part the trip was positive, due to my lack of preparation, I took a peek into the world of the dreaded “bad trip” and am now infinitely more respectful of this molecule because of it.
<br>
<br>
My experience began when my buddy, K, got a text from his acid dealer that he had just got a new shipment of tabs to his house off the deep web. I had had 5 experiences with acid before this <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I had had 5 experiences with acid before this</div></div>, the last of which took place about a month and a half before this trip. That last trip had been my highest dosage yet (around 400 ug) and had been overwhelmingly positive for me. Because of this, I was itching to get my hands on some more Lucy and foolishly assumed that this trip couldn’t be any less positive than the one before it.
<br>
<br>
K, my other friend, E, and myself set aside a Saturday to trip on this new batch of acid. We decided we were going to tell our parents we were going over to our other friends house for the day, when in fact we were going to go down to the small beach and park that is a mile or two away from K’s house. I was slightly nervous about this decision because that left us out in the open for the entire trip without a safe house to retreat to, but my ego took over and told me that nothing could ever go wrong with my acid experience because I knew how to handle myself.
<br>
<br>
This was my first big mistake. My next mistake was not eating anything the day of the acid trip. It was around one o’ clock when we dropped and I had not eaten breakfast or lunch and had no sound means of obtaining food for the entire trip. Not believing this would be a factor, I decided it wasn’t a big deal. We dropped in my car which was parked outside of the park by K’s house then decided to take a walk to the beach and come up there. We each took 2 tabs<!-- that were about 150ug each, meaning we all had around 300ug in total-->. This was less than my previous acid trip that was extremely positive so I thought I could handle this just fine.
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<br>
Around the 45 minute to an hour mark we began to feel the first effects of our 8 hour endeavor. It started off with a very heavy body load and all of the colors around me looking very bright and HD. I am really not a fan of the acid body load, and began to feel very weighed down. Feelings of anxiety crept into my mind because the body load began to become so intense I could not physically stand upright any longer. I asked my buddies if they minded sitting down for this reason, and they happily obliged. We took a seat on a grassy hill that overlooked the bay and put on some tunes. This was when the hard visuals began to kick in. I remember looking at a tree in the distance that seemed to be swaying in the wind, only there was no wind, the tree was swirling and moving all around almost as if it was alive. I soon began to realize all of the plants around me were doing the same thing, swirling and swaying in counter clockwise circles. Then my whole visual plane began to move, like my vision was a television screen someone was rocking up and down and side to side. Fortunately when the visuals began the body load subsided, and I was able to stand on my feet again. That was when we decided to start walking.
<br>
<br>
Acid gives me an incredible amount of energy, and our walk soon turned into more of a hike. We walked down this very long path for what seemed like 10 minutes but in reality it was more like an hour, all the while my visuals were getting more and more intense. I began to see hovering shapes above the path we were walking on, and people who walked past us looked the same size 100 yards away as opposed to right next to me. The trip so far had been a blast, I was fully enjoying myself and was loving the beauty of the world and all of the insightful thoughts I was thinking. I remember talking intensely about how all of human warfare has just been the perfection of the sharpened stick, and how human progression was absolutely astounding. We stopped at another part of the beach and my buddies decided to smoke a spliff. I decided to not partake in this because I sometimes get bad anxiety after smoking cannabis and did not want to ruin my experience with the Lucy.
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<br>
As my friends were smoking, I began to feel funny, but I could not quite put my finger on what was wrong. It took me a long while to realize what I was feeling was hunger, and that I really needed to get some food into my system. I told E and K this, and since they had just smoked some maryjane, decided that they probably wanted food as well. We decided the best place to get food was at our friends house who we told our parents we were going to be at, and we began the very long walk to his place. We had reached his street when I had the thought that maybe we should call him and warn him we were going to come over before we just showed up unannounced tripping major balls, and I dialed his cell. I vividly remember the numbers on my phone appearing to be three dimensional, and floating around the screen like sail boats in a pond. Somehow I managed to call him, and told him we needed to come over to grab some food, to which he responded that under no circumstances were we allowed to come over, because he did not want us tripping balls at his house. While this is a semi-reasonable thing for him to say, especially if his parents were home, acid me took that rejection very very badly, and felt terrible that I had even called to ask him to come over. This is where my trip went from overtly pleasurable to downright terrifying.
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<br>
We were stuck. If we went back the way we came, we would not have food, and if we went to the nearest store that had food, we would have to walk another mile or so on major busy streets to get there. Neither of these prospects enthused me, and I began to feel very conflicted on what to do. I decided for the group that we had to get food in our system, as it had now been about 3 and a half hours into our trip and I had not eaten anything all day, and we began the journey to the nearest place to eat.
<br>
<br>
While walking, I began to feel overwhelmingly lethargic, my legs wanted to give out, I was sweating, and my head began to pound. I kept telling my friends how much this walk sucked and how I did not want to continue, but they reminded me that we had to get food and we couldn’t just stop in the middle of the street. While I knew that we couldn’t stop, I kept complaining aloud to my buddies, saying that I’d rather get hit by a car than walk any longer, and that I’d kill to take a shower. E and K kept telling me to stop complaining and to just go with the flow, but I physically couldn’t bring myself to do it. I just kept repeating how I’d rather die than be out in the open any longer, and slowly this statement turned from hyperbole, to an actual thought. Once I realized that I was seriously considering suicide my mind began to panic, wondering why I could not muster the energy to just walk to food like my friends were. At around the same time, the cars that were around us began to sound like jet engines, and the smell of exhaust and dirt overwhelmingly filled my nostrils. I also began to feel incredibly trapped out in the world, and I began to panic over the fact that we did not have a house to retreat to, and I was going to have to wait out the rest of this trip in the dirty, nasty city.
<br>
<br>
Finally we reached a place to eat. I watched as the man who was making me my sandwichs face contorted into grotesque positions, and how the meatballs he was putting into the bread looked utterly disgusting. I got my food as fast as I could and walked out the door, I had to beg my friends who wanted to sit down in the store because all I wanted to do was get back to the beach where we first began to trip. I started to have paranoid thoughts about my friends, and I thought that they were talking about me behind my back, whispering about how I couldn’t handle my drugs and how they wished I would just leave. This of course was not true, but my paranoid drugged up mind began to resent my two best friends, a feeling which terrified and deeply saddened me. Waves of depression started to wash over my psyche, I have struggled with depression in the past and this felt like that times ten. I thought my only friends hated me, and that I was going to die alone with no connection to anyone in the world. I wanted to go home so badly, and deeply contemplated calling my parents to pick me up, a thought that I hated to even think about.
<br>
<br>
This was when I started to have my first dark visuals, faces on posters and people on the street began to look like skulls, and I kept thinking that there were bees flying around my ears. I also began to feel as if I was badly sunburnt to the point of my face being swollen. I felt ugly and un-presentable to the world, and that everybody was looking at me and judging me. I took maybe two bites of my sandwich, and then threw it away. I tried to focus on my breathing and continue walking towards the beach, but it was an almost impossible task. But somehow, I made it back to the beach where we first started coming up on acid in one piece, and once I was back away from the peering eyes of sober people, off the streets with all of the deafening cars, and with a little bit of food in my stomach, my trip began to ebb back into a positive light <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">with a little bit of food in my stomach, my trip began to ebb back into a positive light</div></div>.
<br>
<br>
This would not have been possible without the help of my two wonderful friends, who when realizing that I was under serious stress talked to me and kept me calm on the walk back, trying to reassure me that everything was going to be fine and that it would soon be over. This is something I am immensely grateful for. This terrible aspect of the trip that was the worst thing I had ever experienced at the time when looking back on it now has taught me a couple very valuable lessons, number one being to not underestimate the power acid can have over my psyche. Once the molecule takes hold, I am no longer in control, and the drug will take me wherever it wants to take me. Number two is to always have a place to retreat to if the trip becomes too intense, the lack of a safe house caused my drugged brain to believe I had no place in the world, and that I was going to be stuck outside forever. And finally I learned that you gotta eat some damn food before you trip, your body will forget while you’re trippin and you won’t understand why you’re so tired midway through. We were walking for probably over half of this trip, and my legs by the end of the day ached worse than they ever had before. This is the only time in my experiences with Lucy that a negative side has emerged, but looking back on it, it was exactly what I needed. I now realize what I need to do in order to ensure a fully positive trip, and it checked my ego not only with dropping acid, but my life in general as well.
<br>
<br>
I wanted to share this story not only to entertain, but in hopes that if others read, they can take something away from my experience, and apply it to their own trips in order to make sure nothing unexpected happens. <!-- Do not go into an acid trip expecting to control the substance, because it will happily chew you up and spit you out without a second thought. --><!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2016</td><td width="90">ExpID: 109286</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 17</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: May 29, 2020</td><td>Views: 1,410</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=109286&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=109286&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Bad Trips (6), Personal Preparation (45), Difficult Experiences (5), Public Space (Museum, Park, etc) (53)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.5 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 2:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 3:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 cart.</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">inhaled</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/nitrous/">Nitrous Oxide</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 4:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 7:15</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">325 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
Approximately 70ug LSD25 (half of one paper blotter)
<br>
3-4 hits of good hydroponics lab marijuana
<br>
<!-- 36 year old male
<br/>
Body weight 325 pounds
<br/>
7pm, Monday, January 6th, 2014
<br/>
<br/>
-->I have substantial experience with this chemical over the past 22 years. I believe my top dose was in the vicinity of 1000-1200ug with no tolerance. My last dose was nearly 7 years ago, and was a strong gel tab, I estimate around 140-150ug. It was very pleasurable.
<br>
<br>
I have never had a bad experience. I received this batch via the dark web from a very reputable distributer who claims each tab of blotter is 140ug. I donned nitrile gloves and used a razor to split one tab in half. I anticipate a very light and easy experience, with few visuals. This may well be the smallest dose I have ever ingested. My purpose is to sample the batch and ease back into tripping with a minimum of fear and uncertainty. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">My purpose is to sample the batch and ease back into tripping with a minimum of fear and uncertainty.</div></div> 70ug is far enough beyond the 30ug threshold dose that even a man of my size should feel something. I have an excellent batch of hydro nuggets and some nitrous oxide bulbs put aside for later. I have very little tolerance for marijuana, and last night, after sampling the nuggs, I was overwhelmed by the potency of the weed, such that I was having panic and fear. That caused some apprehension about taking LSD again after so long. Hence, the micro-dose.
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T+ 00:45- I seem to feel a mild change in consciousness along with a slight increase in my awareness of textures. At this point it could be placebo effect.
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T+ 01:15- Very little further to report. I feel a little weird, but not in any way that couldn’t be written off as a placebo effect. I’m starting to think 70ug is simply too small a dose for someone over 300 pounds. I am considering re-dosing with an additional 70ug. I will wait at least another 15 minutes to allow effects to surface.
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T+ 01:30- I definitely feel it starting, but I’m sleepy at the same time. I just feel weird. No visuals. Mild body high. I am certainly hoping it gets stronger. I don’t think I will re-dose though. I have appointments starting at noon tomorrow. In an hour or so, I will have a puff and that should intensify things a bit.
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T+ 02:00- I am certainly high and smiley, but disappointed at the weakness of the dose. I’m going to have a puff and watch something trippy. I am very tempted to redose, but that would screw all my plans for tomorrow.
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<br>
T+ 02:20- After a half a puff of decent green, I am definitely tripping, coming up and excited. But still a bit disappointed.
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T+ 02:50- Nice body high, smiley and a bit weird and silly. But no visuals. No major shift in thought processes. I’m a bit hungry. I’m certain more marijuana will increase the effects, but I don’t want the marijuana to overpower the LSD. This is the first time I’ve ever had to be concerned about that.
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<br>
T+ 03:00- Nitrous bulb into glory. Watching The Rules of Attraction for the first time. I huff my bulb and as the NO2 hits me hard, carrying me into a new level of trip, time switches from backward to forward and the music changes, right after the opening credit scene. It was bizarre. No doubt I’m tripping now.
<br>
<br>
T+ 04:00- Smiley and right on the cusp of something wonderful, but definitely short of the mark. I think another hit of weed is in order.
<br>
<br>
T+ 04:10- There can be no doubt that I am heavily under the influence of LSD. Feeling some anxiety now. The marijuana seems to cause this in me. My tripping partner has gone to bed, saying it did nothing for him all. He is a bit lighter than I, and a bit older as well. It seems that I am very much the lightweight, though, when it comes to marijuana. I also think that one side of the blotter may have been stronger than the other.
<br>
<br>
T+ 06:15- Watched the last hour or so of The Acid House (1998). Wowzer. Def over the peak point now. Very hungry and going to venture downstairs for some of the spaghetti I made earlier today. Def high. Def enjoying it. Wishing it was warm weather and day time so I could venture outside. Looking forward to dosing again tomorrow with my 20 year old boy toy. Then again Saturday with a 26 year old blonde hottie I’ve been meaning to lay pipe with.
<br>
<br>
T+ 07:15- Definitely winding down. Still high, but feeling it wane. Thinking 1 more hit of weed ought to do the trick.
<br>
<br>
T+ 07:30- One toke was all it took.
<br>
<br>
T+ 09:15- Still have the body high and weirdness, but getting sleepy. Going to lay down soon. Been watching parts of City of The Lost Children. What a nice, mellow trip. I am definitely eager to enjoy a more intense trip tomorrow. And since I only took half a tab of my 10 strip, I figure 2 tabs will affect me like 210ug would with no tolerance. A much stronger dose tomorrow, but still small compared to many of the doses I have experienced in the past. I will still have 6 tabs left after tomorrow’s fun.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2014</td><td width="90">ExpID: 102251</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 36</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Feb 6, 2020</td><td>Views: 1,291</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=102251&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=102251&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : General (1), Combinations (3), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 tablets</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">255 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I am writing this to give my first time experience with LSD. A little about me, I am a 21 year old college male. Prior to this event, I am very familiar with cannabis, have smoked Spice product once, and salvia once. I am also a regular consumer of alcohol. I used to take 100mg of Zoloft every morning, but had stopped about 35-40 days ago. I have been looking for LSD for about 3 months prior and had no luck. I finally found some and purchased 20 blotter tabs.
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<br>
I initially wanted to trip 4 days before but due to a personal experience that left me in a stressed and anxious state of mind, I put it off, not wanting to fuel any possible bad experiences during the trip. I believed that proved to be a very wise decision.
<br>
<br>
I set the trip date to be the day after my last final of the semester. I worked for 4 hours that morning and then headed over to my girlfriend’s house. She would be my sitter for the trip. She has no experience with LSD and has only smoked cannabis and Spice product.
<br>
<br>
About 5 minutes before I ingested, I ate a banana. At 12:33pm I placed 2 tabs under my tongue. I kept them under my tongue for about 15 minutes then swallowed them. The taste was metallically as many people say. Only about 4 hours into my trip did I realize that the taste was as if you had a mouthful of blood. For about 45 minutes after I swallowed the tabs, drinking water would give me a rust taste in my mouth. After about 45 minutes, this experience went away and water tasted fine.
<br>
<br>
The first effects I noticed were about 45 minutes in when I went to pee. (Side note, I’m not sure how common this is, but for the duration of my trip, I had to pee constantly). As I was peeing, my stomach started to get upset. I had read that eating before a trip can cause this, so I attributed it to the banana I ate. My stomach would consistently be uncomfortable for about the first 3 or 4 hours of the trip. Lying down with my eyes closed seemed to help. Also while I was peeing, my first hallucinating experiences occurred. The towels in the bathroom began to slightly wiggle, even though there was no draft or air movement in the bathroom. Also, the rug in front of the toilet began to have various faces and pictures appear. When I left the bathroom, I went out to the living room and laid on the couch and listened to Calf Mountain Jam (a band that plays long jam songs, similar to the Grateful Dead). The music was very relaxing and I began to slip into a state of happiness. On the tv screen, my girlfriend has some sort of screen saver thing that has various nature pictures pop up. I stared at these for a while and noticed a bunch of faces and pictures within the mountains and streams on the pictures. When a picture would come up, things would sprout from the bottom of the image like grass growing.
<br>
<br>
About an hour in, I had made this note in a journal: “I feel empty, but when I touch my body it just appears. Like my body isn’t real. My body is everywhere but nowhere at once. I always thought that was just expressions, but once you experience it, it’s very real. Worth checking out.” As I as lying there, I felt like I wasn’t really there and was just a soul, no real physical features, just being. Once I touched my body though, it all appeared and I became a physical being. While this is happening, my girlfriend is in her room cleaning and smoking some cannabis from a pipe.
<br>
<br>
Once Calf Mountain Jam ends, I get up and change it to the Grateful Dead and again just relax on the couch. About 30 minutes into the album I get up to eat another banana. The texture was fantastic and I was a little upset that it was my last one. After I ate the banana, I grabbed a bag of grapes and went to my girlfriend’s room and just hung out in there with her, Grateful Dead still playing in the background. Walking began to feel different. The boards of the hardwood floor began to feel hollow and like they were made of Styrofoam. For about the next hour, I would just be walking around the house. Her stove has a big handle on it, and at one point I remember walking by it and out of the corner of my eye, it began to spin around, but once I looked at it, it stopped. I would randomly get bursts of color in my vision, kind of like sunspots, but not uncomfortable in any way. Eventually I retreated back to lying on the couch and listening to music. I began to experience the music in a way I never had before. I could see the sound. I am not a synesthetic of this nature (I do naturally see dates and numbers in a consistent pattern), so I began to appreciate what it is like for some people to see sound. It wasn’t just colors I would see; I could just physically see the sounds. There is no real way to describe this without experiencing yourself.
<br>
<br>
About 2.5 hours into my trip, I made my last journal entry: “Everything is inside itself. What was 30 minutes ago feels like a different life. Time is life.” Time seemed to be moving slower than it does when you are sober, and I realized that 30 minutes ago isn’t just the past in your life, it is a different life. I tried explaining this to my girlfriend, but to no avail.
<br>
<br>
She and I then went to her backyard to let her dog pee. We ended up sitting in the open field while the dog ran around and rolled in the grass. This is when I first noticed that everything I look at, I get lost in. I wouldn’t think about what I was looking at or really even comprehend what I was looking at. I would just stare and get lost in the objects. The mountains in the background suddenly weren’t mountains, they were ordinary beings, no different than you or I. There was no such thing as mountains, or trees, or dogs, or grass. We sat there for about 20 minutes and then she decided she was sober enough to drive, so we drove to an open meadow about 20 minutes away to walk her dog. I was really anticipating this as I had wanted to get out of the house and experience more of the world while on LSD. As we drove, I noticed the trees on the side of the road began to have happy faces. Not like a generic smiley face, but just various faces of all shapes and sizes that were happy and watching us. While we walked the dog, I ended up getting a rope burn from the dogs leash that really burned. Physically it burned, but mentally it also hurt. We headed back to her house to get it cleaned up and soothed so it wouldn’t burn anymore.
<br>
<br>
On the car ride back, at one point the trees on the side of the road became 2D and folded in on themselves, as if they were a picture inside a greeting card that got closed. However, by the time I could physically see this, it went away and looked normal. I realized that my mental eye made it happen, and it did really happen, but once I physically went to see it, my mental eye changed it back, keeping a step ahead of my physical eye. This was the only time I would experience this phenomenon.
<br>
<br>
After I got my burn cleaned up, my girlfriend and I went back out and walked around downtown. This was about 4.75 hours into my trip. We ended up at a local all-natural food store run by an 80 year old hippie couple. We looked around for about 15 minutes and then left. While walking on the sidewalk, I began to feel as if I was walking on clouds, but once I used the word walking, the feeling of walking disappeared and I began to float. We then just walked around for a little bit and ended up at a pizza place to get some dinner. While we were eating, a guy I met who wanted to by a half-sheet was texting me asking me to pick it up for him since my dealer didn’t know him and wouldn’t sell it to him directly. I spent about an hour coordinating a pick up point for the money and LSD, which made me very anxious and stressed since both my girlfriend and I just wanted to go home and have a relaxing evening. At about 7pm we got the money and made the switch. I felt like an entire weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I could now relax. I was also starting to come down; I wasn’t hallucinating very much anymore and was just slipping into a state of euphoria. We got home and watched The Invention of Lying. At about 8pm I had a beer, and around 9pm I had a second beer. Nothing to get me drunk or feel any drunk effects, just enough to give me a relaxed buzz, that I was surprised to actually feel given the state I was in. While we watched she took two more hits from her pipe. Once the movie ended, she went to her room to watch another movie on her computer. All I wanted to do was lay on the couch and relax and listen to my all-time favorite album, Sublime’s self-titled album. As I laid there I began to feel happier and happier and the effects slowly diminished into the night. About 10 hours into the trip, I became extremely exhausted and just wanted to sleep. I started to get a bit of a headache, which I wasn’t sure if it was due to being mentally drained, or just because I hadn’t drank much water during the day, even though I kept peeing. I peed one last time before I went to bed, and realized that peeing feels like I am in a dream. I began to wonder if I would wake up any minute and realize it wasn’t real.
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<br>
At about2am my headache got so bad that my girlfriend had to run out to get some Advil. When I woke up the next morning, my headache was gone and I had gotten the best sleep I have had in a long time.
<br>
<br>
Overall, my experience was extremely good and I will definitely trip again. I will up the dosage to 3 hits next time to get more of a trip. Throughout the experience, I wasn’t nearly as incoherent as I anticipated and was able to completely function, except I realized there was no way I would be able to drive a car. Walking through downtown, though, and talking to people was no problem. This trip was not life changing, but it did open up my mind to experiences and thoughts I had never had before.
<br>
<br>
Summed up, I think a text I sent my friend who had always wanted to try LSD but never had says it best, “Everything was just beautiful and happy and euphoric.” I look forward to my next trip.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2012</td><td width="90">ExpID: 96045</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 21</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jun 4, 2020</td><td>Views: 1,358</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=96045&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=96045&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Various (28), Guides / Sitters (39), Music Discussion (22), First Times (2)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1/4 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:10</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1/4 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">153 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I have never been interested in trying drugs. I grew up thinking I would never drink or do drugs due to personal reasons. I slowly grew open to the idea of alcohol due to my ex. I never really cared about it though. After leaving him, I found my current boyfriend (who I will be calling Nathan) who has been the biggest blessing on my life so far. He used to do drugs a few years before he had met me. He knew how to be safe and respectful to the drugs he took. He eventually opened my eyes to weed and slowly my own fascination grew to more interesting drugs. I was highly interested in the psychoactive side of weed because I had no idea that was a part of it, and it was fascinating. Then came the knowledge of LSD, but I was scared of having a bad trip like so many others fear. I had done research and thought about it a lot.
<br>
<br>
One day, after we both had a good day at work, I brought up the idea of taking LSD. We had come into possession of two tabs of LSD recently. We were saving them for the right occasion. Me bringing it up gave him the idea of having us try a quarter tab. I felt great that day, so I decided why not. A quarter couldn’t be that bad. It was a fourth of the full tab. So we did.
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<br>
We took a quarter tab around midnight and watched some youtube to pass the time until things started to kick in a little bit. I had no idea what to expect about a quarter of a tab. I had done research about LSD a lot and asked Nathan lots of questions, but a quarter was unfathomable. So I expected nothing and just let whatever happen, happen. I was nervous no doubt though, but I just remembered everything would be fine.
<br>
<br>
I didn’t know what to expect with the changes so I didn’t even notice anything had kicked in for a while. It was about 45-50 minutes before I noticed, but only when Nathan asked how I felt. Everything just felt fun. I felt good. I was vibing with myself and the world. We talked about how we were feeling a bit. I noticed I felt it was slightly harder to breathe, and my stomach was beginning to twist and turn. Nathan told me that was the light version of that intense feeling he had been telling me about. I understood what he meant then. We hit our first peak at some point within this time frame, but I couldn’t tell when. It was my first time experiencing it at all.
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<br>
Maybe 20 more minutes had passed, and Nathan said to me, "do you want to take the other quarter? It's this but more intense. We might get on the verge of tripping as well." I responded with, “yeah dude, I feel good. Why not?” So we did and watched more youtube in the meantime.
<br>
<br>
Eventually Nathan suggested music because he had songs he wanted to hear while tripping, and I wasn’t against it. The songs were so wonderful. They felt so beautiful, flowy, and intune. Then we decided to put on our favorite album. It was something he was so excited for before we even got the LSD.
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<br>
We hit our second peak during it within a couple songs. It was the best experience ever. It was so flowy, loud, and perfect. After the album we just kind of hung out and talked. I felt heavy but not. Like I was constantly having to stop from melting into the ground. I kept sitting in bed and slowly falling backwards or forwards. Moving was weird. Everything was weird. Nathan suggested we eat a cookie we had been saving for later. I knew that would probably be a bad idea. He had bad experiences while eating and tripping before due to the lack of taste, but I wanted to just see for myself. It was the most disgusting thing I had ever eaten. It also looked so discolored and made it even worse.
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<br>
Nothing was visually moving that intensely, but my visual stuff would kick in more when I was listening to music. My ceiling was extremely cool. The popcorn ceiling I had was covered in dust near the fan. It looked like bugs. During songs, they were constantly moving, shifting, and making patterns. It was so amazing to look at and that alone made me want to do a full tab or more to see those more intensely. I knew seeing eyes was common too, but I saw almost no eyes in objects. Only a few. One in my flag, a few in our curtains, and faces in the wallpaper in the bathroom. The ones in the curtains gave me a feeling of fear, but I told myself to look away and remember it was all fine. I also experienced a couple sounds of audio hallucinations. I heard a few bugs flying by my ear and head without there being anything there. I actively reminded myself nothing was actually there whenever that would happen.
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<br>
At this point, an hour or so had passed and Nathan said that he recognized that the tabs were more potent than expected because we were past the verge of tripping but not by that much. Whenever I went in the bathroom, I would turn the fan on. It was actually the most intense thing I had ever felt. The sound shook me to my core and basically made me feel like I was near impending doom. It scared me but I was like what the fuck this is kind of cool. Not horrified. It just felt so intense. Like I was being enclosed in a box of sound. One that was shrinking if I stood there for too long.
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<br>
The bathroom was also the only room during this entire time I saw super vibrant intense eye visuals. The wallpaper in the bathroom would basically disappear, and it became this super vibrant orange mandala pattern that was constantly moving. It only happened if I was looking in a specific area for at least 5 seconds or so. It was so fucking rad but also that feeling of doom was constantly in the room due to the fan. It was so overwhelming being in it alone. I didn't like staying in it for too long. Logically I should have just turned the fan off, but I felt this feeling that would wave back and forth of the self-conscious part of my brain. It would cause me trouble because I felt so self-conscious randomly.
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<br>
Whenever I looked into the mirror, it was one of the coolest things. My eyes looked so pronounced and vibrant. I looked fucking gorgeous. Something I had rarely seen in myself. I was however a little freaked out a couple times while staring at myself, but I looked so good so I couldn’t help it. Nathan’s eyes actually looked fucking awesome. His pupils to me looked like snake eyes with a vertical pupil. It was so fascinating, and I wanted to stare at him forever. His skin was so pigmented and bronzed. His tan was so prominent.
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<br>
I was very self-conscious randomly about the most ridiculous things. Nathan would encourage me to let go of that feeling. To make peace with it, so I could just be utterly and completely myself. We talked a lot because I just wanted to talk about what I was feeling so badly. He encouraged it. At one point, I had mentioned my stomach pressure feeling had increased. He suggested throwing up to help release that feeling of pressure and intensity. So I did. He sat next to me to encourage. I didn’t have much in my stomach, but I tried. It helped tremendously.
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<br>
The other feeling I got was a constant possible fear/terror. It was very interesting and not something I expected. Basically in the corner of my eyes, which of course felt wider, was 1000% scarier if something seemed to be there. I would look at it and feel slight fear before realizing everything is fine. That knowledge didn't go away unless I was listening to music. So I basically always felt like I could be scared shitless if I let myself go towards that feeling too much.
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<br>
There was a moment that I thought I saw someone coming in the room from the corner of my eye. It was so intense that I actually got super scared for about 3 seconds, but I immediately was like nope everything is fine. I tried really hard to fight that terror that had built up. I did give Nathan a scare while doing that though. I basically had stopped breathing, gasped loudly, and looked very quickly at the door.
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<br>
After a certain point, I realized the songs felt like they took hours long. It got to the point of feeling like they were too long during the song. It was very weird. However I also felt like for a good portion of the beginning that I was getting worried that we would run out of time. That the drug would end too fast. I was used to having weed edibles and listening to music. After an album maybe some light sleep, you felt like it was already over. I eventually got over that feeling though.
<br>
<br>
Nathan after a random song had sat up and said, “hey let's go outside to see the sunrise.” I was shocked because.. the sun? Even though the songs felt hours long, the entirety of the music felt so short. And then I realized that everything we had just done was forgotten. My brain had already moved on to the next thing. So we did. We got our clothes on and headed towards the door. I followed after him, but not that close because of something I can’t remember.
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<br>
Now let me tell you.
<br>
<br>
This was fucking life changing. I walked out of the bedroom door, but not yet to the backdoor. There was a wall in the way of the view to the backdoor. Nathan walked up and told me to come see. I followed him in what felt like slow motion. He walked outside, and I saw through the door a scene that I will never forget. It looked surreal, and the sound was so beautiful. The plants and trees looked the most vibrant I've ever witnessed. To the point where I was extremely overwhelmed with green. It had rained overnight as well so the air smelled of dew. The sky had the most perfect sunrise. It wasn't fully there. It was mostly a dark blue sky with an orange red pocket that was very pretty.
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<br>
The thing that got me the most was the sound of all the animals. All the noises of the birds, frogs, and whatever made noises made the entire experience like the amazon rainforest. It was so fucking beautiful. I just wanted to lay in the grass so badly, and Nathan encouraged it. I will also say though, the entire time of this all, I had INTENSE melancholy and INTENSE self-consciousness. I felt sadness and I'm not sure why, but that's something I get from being in nature occasionally. I do think my depression causes it to do that sometimes.
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<br>
So I got my coat, and we walked down the steps and the wet grass and mud felt so amazing against my feet. Absolutely amazing. I didn't lay in the grass, but we walked around alot. We eventually went to a tree, and he told me to touch it. I was fighting that part of me that was self conscious, but I did. I had to really focus on it though. It felt like the textile felt. It felt surreal. It was so interesting to touch. But me being self conscious and having trouble letting that go was hard, so it was hard to really get the best out of that specific experience. We stood under a bunch of trees, and it felt so intensely green and pretty. It was all so pretty. The birds and frogs singing music to my ears. Everything was so nice. We kissed and shared a moment under the trees and the beautiful scenery. I fell more in love with him if that's even possible.
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<br>
We waited for god knows how long before we heard a meow coming from the front of the house. My cat walked up, and we realized she had been out exploring all night. Nathan felt a tinge of sadness due to that, but I felt so differently. Up until then, everything outside was so overwhelming to my eyes. Then I saw her stroll up. She was the most crisp and clear image I had ever seen. Her big beautiful eyes had massive dilated pupils too. Nathan joked she stole some blotter from us and joined in. She was so incredibly white compared to everything around her. Her fur was the softest thing I had ever touched in my entire life. I cannot even explain how lovely it felt to my fingers.
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<br>
We finally decided to go inside after finding her. Inside felt so bland and honestly just made me sadder than that melancholy feeling. We opened our windows which were right behind and pressed against our bed. The sun had risen a little bit. It was so beautiful, and this is where we started to come down. And I have to say, the coming down and the afterglow was the absolute best feeling I've ever had in my entire life. We lied on our pillows basically hanging out of the window and stared at the world. The ground, the trees, the sky, my cat walking around, and our dog walking around following her wherever she went. You name it. The ground looked so fucking green and so amazingly beautiful. My cat was still stunning. She shined like the moon. I've been with her for 9+ years, and I've formed an intense bond with her. I could really feel it then, and I hoped she could too.
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<br>
The trees in front of our windows rustled, and the birds chirping was so peaceful. I lost all sadness and melancholy and was fully and utterly at peace. We stared at the world for hours. Probably about 3 hours or so. The sun slowly came up that entire time, and it felt more like 6 hours. We thought about a lot in these few hours. I thought A LOT about me, the world, my life, and Nathan. I felt so happy that I found him and so happy that he existed. I felt so happy that I had my cat and our dog. I felt everything was right with the world, and I fit into it nicely. I wanted to cry. It was the first time I felt like that, and it made me feel so good and full of pure bliss and subtle joy. As we laid there, the sun came up and brighten the entire world. We talked and talked about the experience, the world, us, nature, the drug, and everything.
<br>
<br>
My cat laid next to me, and I felt so much peace and content. I would stare at Nathan sometimes, and he would look so beautiful with the way the light shined on him and the way his skin and features looked. There were a few times that I was staring below the window at this little grassy land of green and brown. I felt the sensation and desire to slip out the window and fall into the grass and mud, letting it swallow me whole. I imagined I would fall into a black void of liquid if I did, but felt so much peace at the idea.
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<br>
Eventually we started listening to music again. I felt very wispy, light, and airy through the entirety of the music. I love that feeling so much. It’s such a beautiful feeling. It was amazing. We eventually got up to shower, but ended up having sex. We left our windows open while we did, and it was some of the best sex I’ve ever had. Afterwards we laid there with the birds chirping and a breeze from the window. It was such a lovely feeling. We finally got up and showered, but it was tough. It was hot and our air felt like it was being stolen by the humidity that was growing. It was hard, but very interesting to experience. We finished, got ready, and headed out to shop for groceries. Stepping outside to the backyard again was horrible. The sun was so damn blindingly bright, and I got a hot flash immediately as its rays hit my body. Walking out the front door was completely different from the back. This door was on the same wall our bedroom windows were on. It was so absolutely beautiful.
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<br>
We left, and the car ride was the most magical thing.
<br>
The music.
<br>
The breeze.
<br>
The atmosphere.
<br>
I was so in love with everything.
<br>
We took the scenic route as well, and it was so beautiful. We got chick-fil-a and sat in our car in the parking lot listening to music under the shade. We went grocery shopping afterwards which was an experience. It was crazy because we were basically confused but laughing the whole time and in our own world. We went to two different stores to make it even funnier. It was a wild time. Afterwards we went home and tried our best not to fall asleep so as to not ruin our sleep schedule.
<br>
<br>
It was overall an amazing experience that felt so long and intense. Each thing felt like different sections of time and eventually felt like different days entirely. It was so interesting and fascinating, and I was so very into it all. Even the fearful moments. I loved it all. I also used a lot of my thoughts while coming down to work on myself and come to terms with me as a human being. It helped me try to work through things I had been dealing with. It would have helped more, but I spent most of the time amazed at how I was feeling and the world around me.
<br>
<br>
Overall the experience was fascinating, and I learned a lot about the drug. I fell a little bit in love with it and the feelings it showed me. I can’t wait to learn more about it and about me.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2020</td><td width="90">ExpID: 114465</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 21</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jun 8, 2020</td><td>Views: 1,466</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=114465&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=114465&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Depression (15), Nature / Outdoors (23), Glowing Experiences (4), First Times (2), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">750 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mescaline/">Mescaline</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 23:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> repeated</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">vaporized</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(extract)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">220 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I awoke at around 6:30-7 to shower and clean the house a little bit for some better vibes (I'm a firm believer that a clean environment leads to better trips <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I'm a firm believer that a clean environment leads to better trips</div></div>). My father leaves for work at around 8 AM usually (I'm a 19 year old student, so I am living with my father currently), so I planned to dose right around then so I could have the maximum amount of time to trip comfortably. My father wasn't feeling too great, so he ended up not leaving at the usual time. I got impatient at one point, and started sipping the mescaline, hoping that it would hit me right around his departure. This was at around 9:30 or so.
<br>
<br>
Just as the legend goes in fear and loathing, the mescaline HCl came on slow, then I started cursing the guy who sold it to me, and then...intensity. My entire body began to feel electric, my thoughts became clearer and much more meaningful, however the demonic grips of nausea began to overtake me. Of course, this was right about the time (10:30-11) my dad was leaving for work, and of course me being a polite family member I had to go see him off...on 750 mg of mescaline HCL. Luckily, the effects hadn't fully come on yet and I'm pretty adept at handling myself on drugs, so everything went off without a hitch. I imediately went to go lay down once again, my mind began asking itself philosophical questions as I opened my eyes and saw my ceiling sparkling and making beautiful designs.
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<br>
This is when the nausea kicked into over drive, and no matter how strong my will power was, that shit was coming up whether I liked it or not. The purge was brutal but also very therapeutic. I began to worry that I puked a little bit too early, but then the effects began to take hold and I realized that all was good not only with the dose, but also with the world. I lit some incense, turned on the TV, and somewhat hesitantly dosed the 1000 ug of LSD.
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<br>
I have taken 1000ug of LSD in the past, but I don't think it was on the same level as these tabs. After only a half hour or so, I was seeing noticeable differences (take note I was just starting to truly peak on the mescaline at the same time) The X-Men movie I was watching became impossible to follow, my thoughts went from smooth and introspective to chaotic and confusing, every single sound echoed in my mind, every ray of light shining brighter than it ever had before.
<br>
<br>
Literally before I knew it, another half hour had passed, and I was there. The Dead Zone. My ego was no more, completely eradicated and shut in a dark closet like a parent giving their child a time out. I was living, breathing, walking, perceiving...but I wasn't processing any of it. I felt like I was on a completely different plane; not only had my reality been warped, but I was in a completely different reality. I army crawled myself into my room (I couldn't really walk without tripping) and found my usual salvation, a pair of headphones to listen to music.
<br>
<br>
Navigating my computer to get to youtube and play music was nearly impossible, but the thought the peace of mind I would acquire once I got it playing kept me going. I went with one of my all time favorite bands for this trip, The Doors, the kings of psychedelic rock. I turned the volume up almost to the maximum, and fell flat on my floor. To say the music was beautiful is a criminal understatement, as our society has not evolved far enough to invent words that could even begin to describe the amount of joy this music was bringing to me. I was saying to myself aloud, absolutely marveled that something so incredible was possible to experience,'Are you kidding me? Are you KIDDING me?' Every single cell in my body erupted with firey pleasure from every sound of the headphones, every lyric was painfully deep. 'Is this heaven?' I asked myself, 100% serious.
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<br>
I got a little more comfortable on the bed, and literally began crying tears of joy listening to the music. I closed my eyes and had a CEV of pitch black, but with a single line very similar to a heart monitor used in hospitals or a sound equalizer or w/e its called. Every strum of the guitar, beat of the drum, the line zig zagged, once again very similar to a heart beat monitor. This wasn't even music anymore, this was speech. The music was conversing with me, telling me its story, asking me about myself...I was not just feeling the sounds, I was relating to them. I began to understand why music like this was so popular back in the 1960s along with the acid wave. Everyone was like me on LSD, lost, confused, searching for their salvation. But these bands, these groups of revolutionaries, showed them the way. They connected with them through their musical talents, and have now left a lasting mark on civilization that will never be forgotten. Never in my life had I had such strong respect for music, and I will never again forget this lesson.
<br>
<br>
Not bored, but just curious, I took the headphones off and went to see what my headspace would be like without the music. I stumbled slowly into my living room, and genuinely was not sure where I was. I felt like I should be doing something, but I had no idea what it was. This is the part of LSD I fear, the part where I remove the headphones (the rose colored glasses for LSD as far as I'm concerned) and I must face my thoughts and day to day existence without the support of my already fragile ego.
<br>
<br>
I tried my best to face these demons, standing in the middle of my living room having the most intense battle of my life inside my own head. It was myself vs myself. Admittedly and IMO understandably, this got a little too difficult after a while, and I retreated back into my room where I began to lose myself in the music once again. I got a skype call on my computer, a friend of mine was asking me to play league of legends with him (a game I'm typically pretty good at, ranked diamond for those who know the game). Bad idea. I will never again try to play a video game that takes that level of micro and macro management at the same time on this amount of drugs again. We lost the game because I couldn't play correctly, which sent me on a downward spiral. I was sweating buckets, inconceivably stressed and riddled with feelings of guilt. Obviously, it was just a game and was completely meaningless, the people in the game didn't even give a fuck, but of course this wasn't clear to me at the time.
<br>
<br>
I started freaking out, and it became apparent to my friend over skype just how fucked up I really was. I had a thought that in order to better myself, I could tell him my thoughts which he could then relay to me when I was sober so I could better incorporate the experience later. The issue was explaining that I wanted him to do this and making him not think I'm just tripping balls and that it was actually important to me. This...wasn't possible. Eventually he left the call when I started babbling completely incoherent nonsense, which I understood, who could blame him.
<br>
<br>
I was so fucking hungry at this point, and all I had in my house were things that required preparation. I finally decided to make myself some cheeseburgers, which I had to do completely from scratch with ground meat, spices, and a frying pan. I know how dangerous it was to do anything with fire when I was this high, but I had little to no choice. It took me over a half hour because I kept forgetting what my next steps were, but I successfully seasoned the meat, made them into patties, cooked them and some buns in the pan, and melted some cheese on them.
<br>
<br>
I ate my fill, it was maybe 3-4 PM by now, even thought it had felt like an eternity. I started to feel lonely, and could tell that my peak was starting to fall off. This is where things would really start to get difficult. I put on netflix and wanted to watch something moderately upbeat to keep my spirits up, so I went with Parks and Recreation. As fun of a show, and has lighthearted as it is, I can't begin to tell you how watching this impacted me. Actually I kind of can, so let me try.
<br>
<br>
I am an extremely introverted person, and suffer from moderate social anxiety. Not to the point where I need to be locked in my house all day or I start shitting myself, but enough that it certainly discourages me from participating in society. Watching Parks and Rec somehow helped me come to the revelation of how important other people are to happiness, and that I shouldn't fear them like I do. Seeing these people with honestly pretty shitty jobs and constant challenges who are still happily living their lives in the company of their friends and family...it really touched me and made me re-evaluate my views on socialization.
<br>
<br>
I was already most of the way done with Parks and Rec when I started watching it, so I ended up finishing it in that one sitting. Kind of sad it was over, I had to find something else to occupy my mind before I went into another downward spiral. This was when I looked at the picture of Jim Morrison who is famous for being a rather handsome man on the video of their greatest hits album I had been listening to earlier, and began thinking about the ideal male form. I saw visions of statues of gods, began seeing visions of conception of all species ultimately ending with human conception. This is when I made the decision to take charge of my physique and broke down the mental barriers preventing me from making the changes to better my body.
<br>
<br>
I went into a spare room where we keep our gym equipment I previously rarely used, and went to town with the bench presses, sit-ups, and shoulder presses. It wasn't enough, my red hot youthful blood was pumping like it never had before, I needed more. I went for a jog which I literally hadn't done in years (naturally chubby, anxiety about people seeing an overweight guy running, and a medical condition all contributed to this), I just didn't care about any of it anymore, all I cared about was changing my life. I ran almost nonstop for a solid 15-20 minutes.I was still so fucked up, my heart was racing so fast that I genuinely believed at one point that I would collapse and have a heart attack...but I still didn't care. I had rested long enough, I had wasted enough time, if I were to collapse here and die then that would have been fine with me at that moment because I did it chasing after a dream I've had for years...to not only want a better life, but to truly take the steps to get there. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I did it chasing after a dream I've had for years...to not only want a better life, but to truly take the steps to get there.</div></div> To break through my inhibitions, to find my identity, to understand the meaning of this silly little life given to me by the universe.
<br>
<br>
As you can see, this was a pretty fucking intense run. When I was done, I managed to get myself back into my house and took a much needed shower as I had been sweating nonstop all day from the LSD, and now I was sweating even more. I got out, dried my hair because the feeling of wet hair was too strange to me at the time, and went to practice guitar with my newly found respect for music. I had already been trying to learn for a couple weeks, so I knew some basics. I strummed basic chords, and was just playing around with the guitar having a good time, I couldn't believe I was capable of creating such beautiful sounds.
<br>
<br>
My father called me and asked me if I wanted to go the market with him to get food for the week...I said yes, which was my second or third bad idea of the day. My father has a very short temper, and is a pretty depressed person overall. Most of the time he is a kind and enjoyable person to be around, but he gets very negative and worked up over very small things. He was not in a very good mood when I hopped in the car, and it was made worse when he learned that I hadn't hung up his shirts for him which he asked me to do as said goodbye to him earlier in the morning. I had a perfectly good reason for not doing it (I was tripping fucking balls when he told me and I was tripping 3 times as hard the rest of the day after that), but I didn't want to tell him that. He knows I smoke pot and have dabbled in psychedelics, but I just didn't want to tell him that I did it that day when he was already in a bad mood from a long hard day at work.
<br>
<br>
He got frustrated with me, and started saying very cynical things, and asking me if I was going to be capable to doing my college work or if I would just stay absorbed and brainwashed by my technology. (he doesn't particularly approve my gaming hobby) I tried to explain how sorry I was, but thats pretty hard to do on that dose of LSD when your heart was racing as fast as mine was from the stress this conversation was causing me, so I got kind of quiet. As we got out of the car, he mumbled some swears to himself and shouted that he would just do it himself and how he shouldn't have expected anything out of me.
<br>
<br>
This killed me, it would have bothered me whether I was high or not, but on 1000ug of LSD which was still going strong, it destroyed me. I managed to maintain my cool somehow, and he eventually calmed down. I wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible because I realized how high I still was, so I volunteered to go around the market and get the usual stuff which also allowed me to get some distance from him. Because of this I was able to avoid much conversation, which was good because I don't think I could have maintained one too well. After we got all the groceries, we went to the check out line.
<br>
<br>
Our groceries were being bagged, and the bagger was clearly sick. He covered his cough while bagging his groceries, but was still touching all our stuff as he bagged it, so the effort was kind of wasted. I didn't like this of course, but my father was very upset about it. As we talked out of the market he began cursing and yelling, saying they should take everything back and then go shop somewhere else. He then proceeded to go on a rant about how life is a losing battle, everything is pointless, the world is so fucked up and its only getting worse. It wasn't a fun car ride home.
<br>
<br>
Needless to say, this really fucked with my vibes. I was in the comedown stage of my trip so my mind was already weak, and this was certainly not helping. We finally got home and brought everything in, and I began putting the groceries away as fast as possible so I could say I was going to bed and retreat back to my room where I really should have stayed from the beginning. He stood in the kitchen with me as I put stuff away, continuing to rant about how shitty everything in his life and the world is. Then he realized that he grabbed the wrong cereal box (big fucking deal right) and lost his shit. I started to get really sick of all the negativity, it was just eating away at my already exhausted soul, so I kicked it into overdrive on putting the groceries away, which signaled to him that I was getting upset about something.
<br>
<br>
'WTF is wrong with you??!!!' he asked me, as I quickly looked up in fear. I kind of mumbled that I just didn't want to listen to all his bitching anymore (I said it more politely), and then he started to realize how he had been acting with me for the past hour and a half. He acknowledged that he was wrong and shouldn't have been so negative with me, apologized, and went to go lie down in his room while I finished the groceries which was a blessing from god at that point. I finished everything up, did the dishes to be safe, and told him I was going to bed. He apologized again for how he acted with me, and explained that he had a very long and torturous day at work, how goes through it day in and day out to put food on the table for us, and then only to see some guy cough all over 300 dollars of his hard work just rubbed him the wrong way.
<br>
<br>
I told him I understood and forgave him. I never said it was ok, because it wasn't in my opinion, but I did accept the apology. This brought some of my good vibes back, and also helped me realize how much I want to move on. I don't want to live in his house anymore, even if I am a student and there isn't really anything wrong with it. He is either best guy I know, or the worst, and the bad side just shows too often. The constant daily negativity is toxic to me, and the feeling of needing to live up to his standards cripples me even further. I came to the realization that it is time to make a change in more ways than one. I made the plan in my head to use some money I inherited from my grandfather's untimely death a few months back to get a car and pay for insurance until I was able to find a steady job. I was going to routinely exercise and work out, and make much more of an effort to socialize with friends. The goal was a new and better life, to write a story where I was the sole author.
<br>
<br>
I couldn't sleep that night, too many negative vibes mixed with the typical somewhat speedy aspect of LSD just made it impossible. I laid there contemplating life and its meaning, the universe and how insignificant each human is the grand scheme of things. How we are all just grains of sand on the beach of life. I was up all night, and at about 9 AM took some dabs to hopefully make myself tired...didn't work. I finally got a much needed night of sleep. The next day I had my monthly therapy session that my dad always insisted I attended. I told him about my trip since he is well aware I use substances, and explained to him all my revelations and goals I now had even 2 days later. I told him I was feeling so upbeat that I didn't even feel the need to come see him anymore. He was somewhat hesitant because he thought I was planning a lot all at once and the catalyst had been drugs, but he agreed with me. I felt that I had been going nowhere but up for a while, and he graduated me from treatment. My father was very proud of me, and offered to take me out to dinner for a nice meal to celebrate. Guess what...I declined him, went home, and ate a chicken breast with mixed vegetables on the side, and then worked out for over an hour.
<br>
<br>
Since my trip, I have made many changes to my life. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">Since my trip, I have made many changes to my life.</div></div> I go to bed and wake up and more reasonable times, think carefully about every dietary choice I make, I exercise regularly, have significantly less social anxiety, and overall feel much more optimistic about the future. I've already lost almost 10 pounds just making these changes for a little under a week because of how much exercise I have been doing. I feel great! I can't remember the last time I felt so youthful, and the best part is that I still have so far to go. I absolutely can't wait to see how I look and feel after 3 months!
<br>
<br>
I don't want to be tethered anymore, I want to figure out who I am and who I can be. The cool thing about my life is that I am a blank canvas, I can paint my life any way I want to. I'm young and come from a decently well off family. I am intelligent and kind, and have to much to give to this world...I want my short time on this earth to mean something. The options are endless.
<br>
<br>
<span class="erowid-note">[Erowid Note:
Claims of measured microgram dosages for LSD are usually unsupported. Quantitative measurements for LSD are very difficult to do and cannot be done casually. Without further detailed information about how the measurements were derived, it is reasonable to assume that most statements of microgram dosages of LSD on blotter or in microdots are either misinformed or overstated.]</span><!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2015</td><td width="90">ExpID: 106923</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 19</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jun 15, 2020</td><td>Views: 2,456</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=106923&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=106923&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Mescaline (36) : Alone (16), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Relationships (44), Music Discussion (22), Combinations (3)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">5 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">108 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
It was a Friday night at 3am - my boyfriend and I watched as our friends walked out the door and decided what to do with the rest of our evening. We had been casually drinking and consumed some MDMA earlier, but wanted the energy to stay up and enjoy each other's company. Yes, LSD is a lovely idea. He cut a generous chunk of blotter in half - we figured splitting a 10 strip would make for a dazzling sunrise. Before placing it in my mouth, I asked him if he wanted to set an intention for the trip. He said, 'I'll leave this one up to you.' I gave it a thought and responded, 'Remember the sex we had when we first met? That ethereal element that transcended body sensation? I want to rediscover that higher intimacy, or see if we can.'
<br>
<br>
So he took a shower and I relaxed in bed on the come-up. I noticed my visuals already becoming incredibly intense while we enjoyed each other's bodies in our bed - about 40 minutes after we dosed I had noticed that the act of coitus was almost too intense and took a break. Taking a moment to look at my surroundings made me realize that my visuals/sensory perception was beyond my comfort level (something that has never happened to me - I've always loved LSD and tend to take thorough doses with no issue).
<br>
<br>
Slightly, I panic. I mention to my boyfriend that I'd really like some xanax, because I was caught off guard. Of course, we don't have any. We go downstairs and as he tried to call a friend for some, I become increasingly ambushed with sensation. I am in a cold sweat, unsure if my mind will be able to stay present enough to stay...me - because I knew it was only going to build for another 2 hours until I really peaked. All I could think was 'No. No. The only way to handle this is Xanax. I can't withstand this level of sensory fuckery'. I pace over to the bathroom, and turn the light on - BAM! What I see hits me like a wall, I feel my heart pound. Brightness beyond imagination. The sink and toilet had no edges, but looked like pillowy block-forms. My visuals were so outrageous that objects no longer had definition. I turned the light off immediately and began to feel panicked and took my glasses off because my eyes couldn't handle clear vision - never was I so thankful to be half-blind.
<br>
<br>
My boyfriend, unable to hunt down xanax from a friend, started doing what he does best, keeping people calm in anxious situations. He took me up to bed to relax - I keep asking, 'am I going to lose my mind?', 'am I going to be normal after having this experience?'. He reassured me that I was going to be fine, over and over. I was hanging on moment by moment, reminding myself that it was just LSD, that it was intense, but that I wasn't losing my mind. He kept me as relaxed as possible and present.
<br>
<br>
Then, things got surreal. As the morning light began to trickle into the window, I realized that I was unable to keep my eyes open - my pupils were too dilated to handle light. The next hour and I half of my trip would consist of my face being buried in a pillow, reaching levels of sensory perception that I never thought were possible, and the loss of my physical form. I started describing what I was experiencing to my boyfriend - I could see and feel . . . everything. I had complete synesthesia. Every sensory input I could experience through every sense. Simultaneously I was tasting, hearing, feeling, seeing, and smelling the entirety of the universe. I lost almost all physical perception of my body - I knew it was there, but could only feel vibrations. My boyfriend said, 'it sounds like your third eye is opened way up.' And he was right - I was perceiving things beyond my immediate surroundings - and I realized that I was in a state of awareness that I never thought I would be able to achieve - this is what enlightenment must feel like. What I did know to be helpful in overactive upper chakras is grounding. I wanted to get back into my physical body.
<br>
<br>
What a better way to ground than uniting two bodies? I decide sex would be an excellent distraction. Suddenly, my overwhelming sensory ability went from an anxiety-inducing phenomenon to the most beautiful gift I've ever experienced. The physical sensation of coitus exploded into sustained spiritual bliss - all of the physical and emotional pleasure I've ever felt couldn't add up to the level of euphoric sensation I was attaining. For a half hour I was in a state of sustained, inconceivable orgasm. It felt like our souls were merging, a ethereal body one in the same. Tears streamed down my face as I tried to iterate the visions I saw projected on my closed eyelids 'I've never seen such beauty. Colors and sights I've never known. It's beautiful.'
<br>
<br>
He leaned over and asked me, 'Do you remember what your intention was?'. And I began to laugh. Ethereal, beyond comprehension spiritual intimacy IS what I was going for. Despite the anxiety, uneasiness, panic, and disorientation I had to experience for what felt like 12 hours, it was incredibly ironic that it would, indeed, lead to the fruition of my intention - and on a level I never thought possible.
<br>
<br>
It's absolutely ironic how the universe can manifest one's intentions.
<br>
<br>
After this, I was finally done peaking, and in a calm state. Not too long after I regained the ability to open my eyes. For the next 8 hours I still wasn't able to put my glasses on because the visuals were too intense. It wasn't until 19 hours after I dosed that I was able to fall asleep<!-- (crazy, right?)-->.
<br>
<br>
My boyfriend and I decided that the blotter we had was dosed way too generously<!-- - probably the equivalent of each of us eating a 10 strip-->. I'm just so thankful that despite tripping the hardest he ever had, he was still with it enough to keep me from going into LSD panic shitshow.
<br>
<br>
Moral of the story: LSD is some intense shit. Dose wisely.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2014</td><td width="90">ExpID: 104280</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 22</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jun 16, 2020</td><td>Views: 1,553</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=104280&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=104280&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Difficult Experiences (5), Glowing Experiences (4), Sex Discussion (14), General (1), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 cup</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/coffee/">Coffee</a></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">160 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
As I was past the halfway point of my college experience, for whatever reason I became fascinated with LSD. I’ve known of the drug for a long time but never read about it in detail until this point in my life. After a few hours of researching it one day to get things straight and clear up any misconceptions I had on the substance, I quickly got to the point where I told myself “I have to try this”. This calling grew stronger in the coming days, and I eventually asked my brother for help in attaining it. It took over a year to get some, so I had plenty time to prepare myself for the experience. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">It took over a year to get some, so I had plenty time to prepare myself for the experience.</div></div> Getting the LSD was quite a journey in itself, but that’s another story.
<br>
<br>
When my brother finally got it, he came over and plopped a trading card in my hands. I pushed the card out of its sleeve a little to reveal a strip with eight doses. I remember thinking how small the tabs were. It was surreal seeing LSD in person. I was holding in my hands the item my brother and I had been trying to get for over a year. This mysterious stuff I wondered all throughout my life if I’d ever get to try. “Didn’t we buy a ten strip?” I asked. My brother stuck his tongue out to reveal the two missing tabs resting on top. “Jesus, spit them out. Each of those is supposed to be 200 ug. That’s 400 ug of LSD you’re taking. What’s wrong with you?” He irritably spat them out and said “Okay, yeah fine, whatever. You’re not really helping my mood right now. Don’t worry I’ll be fine.” I was a nervous wreck for him, but somewhat relieved in a shameful way that he was testing it out first. He went back to his house with a friend that night and actually did end up being fine. We later figured out each tab was the standard 100 ug instead of the “200” ug it was sold as.
<br>
<br>
I decided to take LSD for the first time four days later on Thursday, March 30th 2017. That day made the most sense to me as I had no classes, wasn’t meeting with anyone, and wasn’t expecting any calls. I woke up around 9 am and had coffee and some breakfast, then spent the next half hour relaxing and mentally preparing myself for the experience. I even had a little black notebook to document the experience.
<br>
<br>
+0:00 I cut out a single tab and took it at exactly 10 am. It didn’t have any taste, I made sure to swallow it right away. I was a little nervous, so I decided to calm myself down with a hot shower.
<br>
<br>
+0:25 I wrote down in my notebook “Some anxiety, no noted effects.” Then went to rest on my bed and wait for the acid to kick in.
<br>
<br>
+0:45 I started feeling this sensation in my back. I got out of bed to write down in my notebook “Weird energy feeling just hit.” This will turn out the be the last entry I make in the notebook.
<br>
<br>
+1:00 Still in bed and watching tv, I suddenly realize “Wait… something’s different. I definitively feel different.” As I thought this, my peripheral vision almost felt as if it was expanding horizontally. I think my pupils were dilating. It wasn’t a sensation I was hoping for or even expecting. I was thrusted into this alert mental state that felt like a mix between energy and panic. My headspace was surprisingly crystal clear. I’ve had weed before and that’s a fuzzy stretchy kind of head space comparable to how it feels when you stretch your leg out to the point where it feels really good but kind of hurts too.
<br>
<br>
+2:00 At this point I was pacing around my room trying to calm myself. I heartrate peaked at 141 bpm according to my fitness tracker. At one point I was so anxious, I felt like running upstairs to the room my brother was in, waking him up, and telling him to call an ambulance. To calm myself down in the moment I sat down in a sofa chair and thought to myself: “This is what I’m dealing with right now. If it gets any worse, and it probably won’t because this has got to be the worst of it, but if it does go upstairs and get help. But what’s more likely is this is as intense as it’ll get and you can handle it, just wait for it to ease down.” I then snuck downstairs to get a snack, avoiding going through the bathroom because I was afraid to look in a mirror. I got a glass of water and an apple. There was a little ant crawling on the apple. It freaked me out at first, then I kind of admired the ant and let him crawl off onto a table.
<br>
<br>
After that little pep talk and snack, I started feeling better. I was starting to figure out how to manage myself in this altered mental state because I finally figured out how LSD was changing my emotions. The best way I can describe it is the drug amplifies my emotions around 5 times or so. You can imagine from that statement alone how this drug can either be a heavenly blissful experience or terrifying nightmare or everything in between. <!-- And by the way, when you-->When I tried to calm myself down by explaining to myself why I'm feeling this way, the explanations didn't match the emotion I was feeling.
<br>
<br>
For example, imagine a totally normal sober person waking up in the morning and walking into their bathroom and starting to feel a little anxious for some reason. They quickly remember they saw a spider in the bathroom last night and realize it still might be here. Sure, that makes sense. “Why am I feeling a little anxious right now? Oh, because there might be a spider around here. I see.”
<br>
<br>
Now the exact same situation, except this person is under the influence of LSD. They walk into the bathroom and start feeling this sense of impending doom. They quickly remember they saw a spider in the bathroom last night and realize it still might be here. Okay… so a spider might be in this room I’m in, that doesn’t explain why I feel like I’m about to be murdered. Even repeatedly telling yourself “It’s not me, it’s the drug. It’s the LSD making my emotions out of wack.” won’t work too well at all because the drug is so clever at affecting such a core part of your mind, you truly think you should be feeling these intense emotions. It’s no wonder people have developed PTSD from this drug. Can you imagine experiencing something a sober person would consider traumatizing while on LSD?
<br>
<br>
+3:00 I was a little calmer at this point, but certainly still had to manage myself. The intensity of the drug’s effects came in waves every 3 minutes or so. At the peak of each wave, time felt like it was passing by so slow. I always noted to myself weed felt like it slowed down time by about 3 times. I know that seems like an arbitrary value, but there’s been plenty of times where I was high and looked at a clock and only 15 minutes have passed when I thought 45 have. I would guess at the peak of these LSD waves, time felt slower by roughly 5 or 6 times.
<br>
<br>
I could only lay on my bed, watch TV and fare through it. I couldn’t get myself to record anything in my notebook, get on my phone and listen to music, or any creative activity that required focus. I remember watching Batman Begins, it was near the end when Bruce was talking to Rachel, and Christian Bale’s face was like purple. I turned on CNN, and Vladimir Putin was on speaking, but he looked fat and orange, with white flaring rays around him. My leg hairs looked really gross and black in contrast to my skin. It was as if someone opened my vision up in photoshop and increased the field of view, enhanced the contrast and brightness, and was slowly changing the color hue. The walls of my room would be yellow one moment, and then purple maybe 15 or 20 seconds later. I couldn’t perceive the color change though. Imagine watching the hour hand of an analog clock. At a glance it doesn’t appear to be moving, but if you watch for long enough, you’ll have that epiphany/realization moment that it has definitely moved, but you didn’t see it happen. Just apply that same feeling to colors changing on LSD. I didn't perceive the wall’s color changing from yellow to purple, I just knew it was yellow and now purple, with no transition in between.
<br>
<br>
+4:00 Around this time my dad called me down to bring in a couple heavy groceries from the porch. Yes, I panicked at that moment, worrying if my dad would figure out I was on LSD. I couldn’t really figure out a way to talk my way out of having to do it, so I just went for it and went downstairs to get the groceries on the porch. Going outside felt like such a nice break from my room. I was anxious thinking an open environment would be even more stressful, but if anything, it had the opposite effect. Being outside and on the front porch felt much warmer (emotionally) and playful than usual. It also felt more expansive and novel, to the point where this area I had grown so familiar with felt foreign. When I took the groceries in, my dad was cooking in the kitchen. As I walked up behind him, I felt this aura around him. Nothing visual, it was a pure sensation, that grew stronger the closer I got to him. It was almost as if I was feeling his kind personality.
<br>
<br>
+4:30 I’m back in my room watching Impractical Jokers. The ONLY reason I was watching that show was because their laughing seemed to help me take the whole situation less seriously. Around this time, my brother upstairs woke up, came downstairs, and visited me. I quickly acted like I was trying to nap so I wouldn’t have to talk with him much. I wouldn’t even open my eyes because I remember thinking it would be too intense to look him in the face for some reason. He eventually left and took off in his car with my dad so I had the whole house to myself. I walked around a lot at this point, exploring the house. I felt lighter than usual while walking. I found this teddy bear I use to play with that I gave a personality to and made voices for, but it just felt like an empty teddy bear with no presence at all.
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<br>
+5:00 I would say I had passed the hardships of the trip at this point. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">+5:00 I would say I had passed the hardships of the trip at this point.</div></div> I was laying in bed, doing breathing exercises, when this wave of relaxation washed over me. I felt so peaceful and remember thinking “I wish this would never end.” Quite a turnaround from the situation a few hours earlier. I also had this deep sense of satisfaction that I had finally tried LSD and felt quite proud as the trip was coming to a close.
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+8:00 Around this time I was finally feeling like myself again, as most of the drug’s effects had worn off. I told my brother who was back at the house I had taken a tab, to his surprise. It was very difficult explaining what it felt like at the time. I was just emotionally exhausted after dealing with that altered state for so many hours. As drained as I felt, I still had trouble falling asleep that night.
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<br>
In the days following my trip, I felt calmer than usual, especially in public places like my university. I told myself “It’ll be a while before I even contemplate taking LSD again.” As fascinated and eager as I was to take LSD before that day, I had immediately lost all interest in it after that single experience. Some other notable effects after the experience include not feeling like drinking anymore (lasting a few weeks), smoking weed taking an additional couple minutes to kick in and having a more psychedelic effect once it did (this eventually began to wear off after a couple years), and my peripheral vision being more reactive to moving objects (I think).
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<br>
At this point, it’s been over three years since that day, and while I wouldn’t actively search for it again, if someone had offered me a tab I’m pretty sure I would take it, or at least save it for a special occasion. Recently, I gave myself a month break from coffee, and noticed its subtle effects after I started drinking again. I never gave attention to this before, but coffee makes me anxious around 3 hours after I drink it. Because I drank coffee about an hour before I took LSD that day, that may explain why I was so anxious 2 hours into it. Anyway, if I ever choose to take LSD again, I would avoid any substance that would make me anxious. I could imagine meditating on the stuff and doing some real soul searching.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2017</td><td width="90">ExpID: 114476</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 23</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jun 16, 2020</td><td>Views: 1,524</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=114476&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=114476&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), First Times (2), Alone (16)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
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<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">195 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
One Fifty
<br>
u/basically_nothing10h
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29y/o Male, 195 lbs, minimal psychedelic use. Cannabis for 2+ years, never really going anywhere with it. Just used it to make food taste better and music seem more deep.
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<br>
Decided it was time to see something outside of my “control” - I needed to learn how to surrender completely to things I don’t understand. And that is exactly what I did. This is my best account of my first trip, a 12+ hour trip, on 150 mcg of LSD.
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Obtained 4 x 150 mcg hits from L’s sister K. Placed the contents in between the pages of David Bohm’s “Wholeness and Implicate Order” which is a book written by the protege of Albert Einstein. Bohm essentially came up with the Holographic Principle and Quantum Mechanics. Each are fantastic way of describing the currently indescribable connection between this strange dream-like world and the implicate order. His work has been something I gobbled up quickly over the years. He was utterly fascinating in every way. A true seeker of knowledge, something I always strive to be but never had much gusto to do so. Suffice to say, the themes of the book played out heavily in my trip. Pretty sure I magically imprinted extra power on the LSD. But it could have been only because it was my first time!
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Spent a couple weeks waiting for the “right moment,” reading a lot of experiences<!-- on erowid.org-->, watching youtube videos, trying mindfulness meditation and regular meditation on a day to day basis. I prayed to whatever gods held me down in this temporal infinity and pleaded that they make my first trip a good one, and a safe one. I had little doubt in my mind, as I had fully accepted the possibility of a nightmarish trip and had fully placed my well-being into my girlfriend’s more-than-capable hands.
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6:10 pm: Ate 1 blotter hit with a nice big swig of water
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6:20 pm: Starting to feel tingles a little bit. Mostly in my toes and upper cranial area.
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6:25 pm: Slight distortions in perceived time, slight vision shift to a more “out of focus” setting. Starting to “step back” from myself.
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6:34 pm: Slight nausea starts to crop up, highly manageable with breathing and water
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6:36 pm: My exact quote “everything is opening up”
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6:39 pm: EVERYTHING is SO COLORFUL!
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6:45 pm: I decide to get up and move around. I had remembered reading somewhere to go with the flow of things, so I decided to listen entirely to my body and let go of my thoughts. Whatever my body wanted, it got.
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6:50 pm: Really starting to “warm up.”
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7:04 pm: It hits so hard, I cannot contain myself. I begin to weep. Sobbing uncontrollably, spit and dribble emanating from a place not of my own being, but of a scared and helpless something, lost in the vast infinite expanse of love. My girlfriend hugs me and says, “Are you happy?” and it took me a minute or two to respond, and all I could do was blubber: “yyyy… yyy… yes. It's all so beautiful. It’s all so perfect. I’m so happy. THIS is the POINT!” What is the point? She asked. And the only thing I could respond with was “THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL OF IT!”
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7:05 pm: We color using these fine tipped markers with very surreal landscapes. Colors are so intense. Each color is, in and of itself, all colors. But it expresses the one it feels the most. Artwork around our house begins to take on a new light, a way in which I’ve always been able to see things, but never let myself entirely. This is how I’ve interpreted it. It definitely felt like an intoxication, like being drunk, but far more humbling. Like… I would never get into a fight with someone on LSD. I’d be too worried about the effect on our eternal spirits.
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The last record, 7:29pm: L wrote this out for me as I said it: “I feel like I belong. I’m exactly where I need to be. Purpose doesn’t matter. I’m having fun. We are each an individual center. Putting the way I feel into words almost ruins the experience.”
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At this point my trip was no longer “my” trip. I gave in entirely to the chemical. We started watching Finding Dori on Netflix. This might have been what really did me in, or perhaps it was the two bowls of cannabis I smoked earlier in the day. Who knows. But I was ONE with the movie. I was enraptured by every word. Every subtle gesture of facial muscle. Every slight twinge in their voice. All of the colors and movement on the screen. It was a bit overwhelming. But I was enraptured.
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I myself felt like Dori, a fish with memory loss, struggling to find a purpose or meaning in their life, whom is always told “Just keep swimming!” and “Don’t get caught in the undertow.” I remember identifying with the beluga whale who had powers of “echolocation” and remember thinking to myself “hey, I do that already using my thoughts.” This really freaked me out, as I didn’t know I had these capabilities.
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But then as soon as I had started to go down a dark road, that hilarious fucking turtle with a surfer dude voice shows up and I laugh maniacally… “THAT’S ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I yell. My SPIRIT ANIMAL! The turtle. Slow moving, great swimmer, chill as all get out, never lets a single thing get in his way.
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When I was on LSD, words do not arrive like they normally do. Entire packets of thought arrive, fully fleshed out, crystal clear and glaringly obvious. And they almost contain laughter attached at the end of it. A laugher that says, “How could you have forgotten your true nature? Hahahahaahahahahhaahahahaaaaa……..”
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'You are the ONE. You are the ALL. Without YOU, there would be no ALL. Without the ALL, there would be NO YOU!' I was simultaneously the reason the universe existed at all, in this form, and the reason I existed was so that the universe could see itself just the way it wanted to see itself. Wherever anyone ever “is,” they “is” because they need to be - everyone has a very specific and intentional place in the universe. And the qualities of one's character are also chosen very specifically. This is how I interpreted it, anyways.
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I saw my girlfriend of 5.5 years as my Universal Goddess. She watched over my eternal soul in this everlasting dreamworld. She took amazing care of me and always made sure I was happy. For that, I was ready to give up everything I had just gleaned from the universe, just to remain in this place. Wait… what is this place?
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On the outside, I saw a reality which had acquired a plastic, almost “bubble” like quality to it. It felt as though everything was blown up like a balloon, was slightly wet with condensation on the outside from the expansion and could be popped with the slightest poke. But it was also so incredibly solid that you wouldn’t want to disturb anything. Why harm that water bottle of yours? What did it ever do to you, other than provide hydration? Water was like drinking the nectar of gods, and I could not bring myself to eat or try anything else. I tried eating a couple strawberries but was convinced that I didn’t deserve something so divine.
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All of my senses were overpowered, and they were starting to combine into one “sense.” My roommate had been upstairs cooking something and I said “Are those noodles?” and he was like “I haven’t even taken them out of the package yet.” And at that point I tried to stop smelling everything around me. So incredibly overwhelming.
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Focused breathing was my godsend here. This was something I have been training myself mentally for several months, physically for about 2 weeks. Deep, intentioned, breaths. In with fresh air, out with all of the bad vibes. Though there really weren’t any bad vibes.
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Upon closing my eyes, I was having mild to moderate visuals. These visuals ranged from the fanning out of birds-feathers to a steady breathing of geometric shapes. At points during the trip I felt as though my whole being, or my whole essence was itself a fractalization of intense light that continued to breathe in and out. I was more of a “process” rather than an individual “thing.” Always forever changing, but always remaining mostly the same. I am a very thought oriented person, so I was hung up on the millions of thoughts and concepts currently filtering through the conscious stream that I appeared to be connected into.
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The movie ended and I was still high as balls. At this point in time I remember thinking… or receiving direct communication from my infinite self?...
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You wanted IT.
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YOU GOT IT!
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At this point, it all hit me very, very, very hard. This must have been the peak of the trip because as I lay there, “I” was essentially gone. It is incredibly difficult to describe. I felt like I was at the center of eternity - I had lost my way and now could not find my way back to myself. This was the sole mission of the rest of my trip. How do I get back to myself? <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I felt like I was at the center of eternity - I had lost my way and now could not find my way back to myself. This was the sole mission of the rest of my trip. How do I get back to myself?</div></div>
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Oh and the laughter. It seems as though my spiritual self was trying to relax the me at the end of the tunnel. Universal truths would fly by and make me laugh hysterically. Like a maniac, really.
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I have experienced what people describe as enlightenment, satori, or kensho. It was the most simple and pure truth I could ever attain. But it wasn’t anything I had attained. It was something that was always there, hidden in plain sight, something my ego chose to ignore. And there it was. My life and the lives of those around me were just a simple game. The game of life and love. And we all needed our egos to live it out. A mask that god/the universe/the mind puts on, so that it can live a cause-and-effect life.
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You are god. You are the divine being of infinite love. You always have been. But you decide to trap yourself in one of your infinite fractal characters, or shards, because you love it. It’s the most fun you can have when you get bored of the universal truth.
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Remember to breathe.
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<!-- The following is my account of how “everything” works. Take it for what you will.
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To exist in three-dimensional space, one has to have three vectors. A thought vector (a center), a space vector (a centered point of being), and a time vector (experience of cause and effect). All three of these work in tandem (harmony) to “echolocate” your position in the infinite abyss. This was an idea imprinted on me by Finding Dori. All that was required was to desire to be with your self. And it was a powerful desire. -->Standing at the edge of infinity is quite a mind fuck - I felt all powerful, I felt like everything. I felt like Jesus Christ and the Devil, but some version of those two mashed together, because they balance each other out extremely well. These are just metaphors, as I’m not a religious person. But after this experience, I retroactively recategorized myself before the trip as an “Atheist.”
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Now I am FIRMLY a believer in something. That something is essentially me, and everyone else in the universe. That something is infinite, all-powerful, all knowing, all loving and infinitely compassionate. It loves itself more than anything in the universe. But its SELF is ALL that it is. But at the same time, that something is very, very sad, because what does one do with all of this power if it’s alone and has nobody to love or be loved by?
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I missed my family. I missed my girlfriend. I missed my dog and my cats. I began to realize that I take people for granted. I take my everyday life for granted. I take every moment that I’ve ever been blessed with, for granted. <!-- I’ve been given this perfect life, and what a beautiful gift it is, only to be tossed aside by my EGO.
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EGO EGO EGO EGO EGO EGO. I have an unhealthy relationship with my ego. Or should I say “had.” Standing at the edge of infinity, I wanted nothing more than to be back with myself. Back to my boring, dull, amazing life where everything happened exactly as I had planned it. The life in which I was delicately placed into this universe, just to experience THE GAME.
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I am an avid Alan Watts listener. Pretty much everything he has ever said is true. I felt an enormous bond with Alan Watts - he had so plainly laid everything before my ego and said, “Look, here’s how things are. Here’s how you see them. Here’s WHY you see it that way. Here’s how it OUGHT to be seen. And here’s why you don’t ever let yourself see it this way.”
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The ego is like a cell phone for your SELF. Your SELF is a shard of the infinite self. The infinite self is like a crystal of light that reflects the thoughts and feelings of everything in the universe and redirects it back as a simple input: “LOVE.” Love is the only sense that you ever truly feel - but to feel real, you need to divvy up these feelings to your senses so that you can survive on this rock. Thankfully, your ego is always there.
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At some point I started watching “The Office,” one of my favorite shows of all time. After the initial shock at how plastic and fake everyone looked on TV, I began to form another grand universal theory. And it goes like this:
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The universe is Michael Scott. It is sheer, utter, immutable chaos. An infinite expanse of energy that does whatever the fuck it wants, and doesn’t give a single fuck as to what happens about it. Actually, it’s completely blind to what it affects and how. It just does what it does, and this is how the universe came about. I suspect that whatever it does, it knows how to do it in such a way that highly ordered organisms erupt from its own surface, far and away from where it all began.
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The ego is Dwight Schrute. It is fully immersed in the game it plays, because it loves to play the game. The game is all there is, and will have none of your psychedelic nonsense. It will stop at nothing to get more for itself, even if it means cutting down the competition. It says exactly what it thinks. It loves its mundane, day to day trappings, because that is how one feels truly ALIVE. There is nothing that would make you feel more alive than shredding paper as you jam out to metal music. As I watched Dwight converse with customers, coworkers, and his day to day duties, I felt a twinge of empathy. How I wish I could be such a great character. But without his counterpart, he is completely unbalanced.
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The male godself is Jim Halpert. Essentially, he’s an everyman. He’s the big J.C. metaphor. He’s perfect in every way. He always knows exactly what to say and when to say it. And when he looks into the camera and makes that awkward smile like “Really?” you can’t help but love him to death. But Jim himself is also unbalanced. Without his counter-part, the Antichrist, the ego, Dwight Schrute, Jim wouldn’t be Jim.
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The female godself is Pam. She is everything you desire in a woman. Plainly simple. The most beautiful creature to ever grace the folds of mother Earth.
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Without the complex interplay between the Universe, The Ego, and the Godselves, you cannot live your life the way you want to live it.
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And there it is. The point of an LSD trip is to show you that YOU are the point. Without a YOU, there is no place at which to view yourself. You need a physical body that has all of it’s physical senses. To have a physical body you need a physical space. The real YOU exists outside of that physical space, and is almost assuredly made entirely of LOVE.
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You are infinite cosmic love. You have it mostly for yourself, but it takes a real good character to channel this infinite cosmic love to others.-->
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As I take the time to integrate this experience, I find myself spending more time listening to people. Appreciating what they have to say. Trying to tickle them with laughter and get them to have a good time.
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<!-- You are an infinite something. When you die, you most definitely do not get locked up in a black box forever.
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You are the black box. You are the lock. And you are the thing that sees through all of the things locked inside of that box. Only the box isn’t locked. There is no box. It’s just YOU, and your belief of your SELF.
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You trap yourself, because that’s the only way you can feel alive. You love the trap. You love the game. How else would you have all of these friends?
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Peace, love, and infinite cosmic giggles to you all.
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ps. this is only my interpretation. Each of us will see it very differently.--><!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2017</td><td width="90">ExpID: 109996</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 29</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jul 29, 2020</td><td>Views: 1,839</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=109996&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=109996&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Personal Preparation (45), Glowing Experiences (4), First Times (2)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> repeated</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">insufflated</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/cocaine/">Cocaine</a></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 10:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">4 tablets</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/diphenhydramine/">Diphenhydramine</a></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">125 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
Did I pass the acid test?
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First I must say, that I did acid at a time in my life when I probably should not have been messing with my psyche. But then again, is there ever really a “right” time to drop acid?
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The year leading up to me dropping acid was one of monumental change. I finished my Arts degree, and worked a mind-numbing, spirit-crushing job in Accounting. The job was absolutely dull, so I started to use a lot of Cocaine and other Amphetamines (Adderal, Ritalin, etc) and got heavily involved in the party scene. After 8 months, of wild partying (and always coming back to the same bland cubicle) I realized it wasn’t the Life for me, and took off traveling. I volunteered in India, then I went on an 8000 km road trip with my brother, and we lived in Toronto for a couple of months. Toronto wasn’t the place for me, and I returned to my hometown, unsure of who I was.
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I worked a mediocre retail job for a while, then quit, and have since been unemployed, just sort of living, applying for jobs. In meditation, I realized that my true passion is in the realm of skin care, and I hope to become a dermatologist or cosmetic researcher. Anyways, I was slowly starting to figure out my life, and basically am just trying to kill the next 5 months before going back to school… but the next 5 months is filled with absolute uncertainty… what will I do to pass the time? Will I find a decent summer job? Right now, everything is Open. And the Openness/Uncertainty seemed to have a profound effect on my psyche while on Acid.
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Anyways… it was at this point in my life when I dropped Acid.
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I dropped it with my brother and my “partner-in-crime,” G. Two wonderful people that I absolutely adore.
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We each took 2 hits of acid, then did a gram of cocaine (between 3 of us) and waited for the acid to kick in. When it kicked in, I was absolutely floored. We ended up lying on the ground, starring at the ceiling, which was moving around a lot. The visuals were amazing, almost overwhelming. The entire world seemed to be moving.
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The first part of my acid trip was filled with beauty and wonder… but then, suddenly, everything changed, and I became fixated on Time. Perhaps it was because I took another hit of acid.
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I got caught in some sort of psychological loop, where I was concerned that I would always be caught in the Acid universe, as I have “nothing to do” and “no reason to not be high.” I became paranoid, because my brother and my partner-in-crime both have jobs, and I felt like I had nothing.
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I ended up curled up in my bed, freaking out.
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Then for a while, I was a bit better. I really enjoyed the visuals, but felt really confused about how I had gotten to G’s place. We spent a while staring at collages, and looking at a beautiful view of downtown from his high rise.
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Then I got really nervous about what people would think of me being high on acid, and I started to, sort of…. lose consciousness in a way?
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My bro and G were experienced trippers, so they sort of calmed me down, but I kept getting caught in mind loops, where I would circle the same ideas again and again and again. It was mentally exhausting. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I would circle the same ideas again and again and again. It was mentally exhausting.</div></div> I kept asking them the same questions for 3 hours.
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After a while, I settled down, and we hung out in G’s room, listening to music. I rummaged around the kitchen for food, and was fascinated with the granola bar I found. I ate it, and then ate some cereal.
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Then I went back to the bedroom and fed G cereal. After I touched him, I realized he was totally mushy. Then I became obsessed with the fact that G didn’t have bones. I kept asking, “Where are your bones?” or “You lost your bones!”
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Then me and G started to fool around, and I told him he could maybe take my Acid virginity, but I wasn’t sure, then we fooled around and had sex, and after both said it was “Weird.” And it was weird, as the Acid made me feel really, really good physically, but sex wasn’t quite like sex normally is, visually… it felt very Real and Raw, almost too real.
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Perhaps it was because G’s eyes were bugging out of his face, or maybe it was because the Acid seemed to highlight every pore on his face.
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Whenever I went to the washroom or saw a mirror, my face looked totally messed up. I couldn’t even recognize myself. My face would always be contorted or stretching randomly.
<br>
<br>
I felt like G couldn’t like me, because while on Acid, I saw myself as being an absolutely unattractive blob. When I looked at him, he usually looked fine, but my face was swollen and covered with acne, and I was really, really swollen and fat overall (today I look fine!).
<br>
<br>
After a while of talking with G and my bro, I became fixated on all the scars on my body. I was a self-mutilator for about 7 years (haven’t done it in a long time), so I have hundreds of scars. I realized that the scars were really “self-hatred” and that my body was infected with the virus of “self-loathing.” Then I started crying, and G held me, and I just said, “Look at me, I’m nothing but Hatred.”
<br>
<br>
Then I started to try to bite off my scars, and I wanted a knife to slice them off, so I could remove the Hatred, but G convinced me that was a very bad idea, and I agreed.
<br>
<br>
Then in my mind, I was in a different Universe, it was an alternate reality, almost Narnia Like. I kept meeting different Demonic forms of myself. They were very menacing and cruel, and I think a Demon-self snatched my Identity at one point. I was very, very scared. G was sort of in the alternate universe too, and we’d meet up on trails randomly. The universe was very forest-like.
<br>
<br>
G passed out after a while, perhaps around 7 am. I tried to sleep, but couldn’t, because my mind was hallucinating in the Alternate universe, then me and my brother went back to my apartment. We were sketched out for a long time, and we cleaned up the entire apartment.
<br>
<br>
Perhaps we made a mistake, but in an attempt to sleep, we both took about 4 Gravol pills.
<br>
<br>
Then we went on a bizarre walk, and were still hallucinating. We weren’t ready to “Deal with money” so we avoided all stores. The wind was blowing heavily and it was a rather miserable day out, so we ended up walking back, admiring the trees, which were filled with intricate and beautiful patterns.
<br>
<br>
We kept saying, “Think about how much more messed up we felt 2 hours ago. I wonder if we’ll feel better in another 2 hours…” But we kept feeling the same way, mostly, still hallucinating. The Acid seemed to come in waves… near sobriety, then total tripping.
<br>
<br>
<!-- Dylan-->He left at 3 pm (we dropped acid at 9 pm the day before), I was still very high, and unable to sleep. I started to truly freak out, and at one point, I had no idea who I Was.
<br>
<br>
I spent most of the next 12 hours pacing in my apartment, trying to figure out who I was. I literally lost all of my memories. I tried to think about what I would normally do, but I couldn’t remember who I was… I wasn’t even sure what my name was.
<br>
<br>
My brother had gone home, and I was slowly starting to put the pieces together. It was interesting, because I could actually see a puzzle in the mind, and I would put a piece into the puzzle. I thought that if I could finish the puzzle, I wouldn’t be High anymore, and I could return back to the way things were. I was still hallucinating wildly, freaked out what I would NEVER BE ABLE TO SLEEP. Whenever I closed my eyes, I’d hallucinate, and see random images, or random things.
<br>
<br>
Then I got a PHONE CALL from someone who randomly played a trick on me. The voicemail said, “This is your secret admirer, do you know who I am…” I started to really freak out, then this person kept sending me messages, giving clues about their identity, saying we had met before. I was concerned that I had met him the night I did acid, but that I had no recollection of him at all (turns out it was an old friend that had tracked down my number and decided to call on Saturday, haha).
<br>
<br>
I absolutely lost my mind, and became very paranoid, and afraid to go outside, afraid of… the World, I guess? I kept thinking that, “I’ll never be able to handle the world.” I was also very concerned about what people would think. After I realized that my fear of what people think has been preventing me from living life fully--so it was almost like the acid was helping me metaphorically figure out my psyche.
<br>
<br>
While sort of coming down from acid, I kept on having flashbacks of the trip, and the clouds in the sky seemed to be flying towards me, and the entire city below (I live in a high rise apartment) had become cartoon like. The ceiling was covered in bugs, and everything was spinning. Then for a moment I’d be sober, but then I’d start tripping again. I felt like I was caught in a loop again.
<br>
<br>
Then my partner came over, and said I was in bed, freaking out/being very upset. He kept saying that “I’d be fine.”
<br>
<br>
After a while, G left, and said, “Just sleep.” Instead, I just kept freaking out, looking at my distorted face in the mirror… it was the most exhausting several hours of my life. I kept getting caught in mental loops, and I couldn’t remember who I was. I could NOT FUNCTION not knowing who I was. I just couldn’t Face the World. I felt like I had lost myself, and that I would never come back.
<br>
<br>
Then I decided that I needed to go to the gym in my apartment complex. I went on the elliptical for 30 minutes. It felt great to be doing something that required the bravery of leaving my place. I started to realize that no one noticed that I was messed up, and that I was only messed up inside… and that maybe I should worry less about what others think, because most people are pretty self-focused anyways…
<br>
<br>
I eventually called my brother and he said, “Put yourself in a good state of mind… you don’t want it to end… you have to choose… YOU JUST HAVE TO MAKE IT STOP. IT’S OVER! Just fucking sleep! Close your eyes and stare at the darkness!” Turns out he was still tripping on acid, and thought I was at his place at the time, haha.
<br>
<br>
So I spent the next while (how long I don’t know), talking in my mind. Various faces and images kept trying to overcome the darkness, and I’d mentally scream, “STOP ACID, STOP!” Then whenever I breathed in, I’d think, “SLEEP” and when I breathed out, I’d scream, “STOP ACID!”
<br>
<br>
Then I realized, I had to get back to the basics. I had to re-start, so I started with the basics of humanity: sex and sleep. So, I’d masturbate, then try to summon sleep. I just kept following this cycle. For hours? I’m not sure, all I know, is it seemed to be working.
<br>
<br>
I also kept thinking positive. I kept telling myself that I am way stronger than I think… that I am amazing and beautiful and that I can do anything if I try hard enough.
<br>
<br>
Eventually the darkness took over my mind, and this darkness was Sleep. I had to pray to sleep, and succumb to it’s power…. I had to “let go” and give full control of my mind to sleep.
<br>
<br>
Then I woke up gasping, maybe 10-12 hours later, to my alarm clock (which I set earlier, so that I would think I had “something to do” in the morning, and that was return to office hours and apply for jobs) clutching my pillow, and crying.
<br>
<br>
I had a text from my partner that said, “Call me.”
<br>
<br>
So I called him, completely freaked out, as I seemed to have had lost all of my memories of my Life.
<br>
<br>
So he came over, and I felt like I didn’t know who he was anymore, that we didn’t know each other. I felt like I didn’t know myself, or what my life was about. I felt like I had lost G as a friend, and that things would never be the same.
<br>
<br>
He looked really sad and said, “I still feel the same about you, Andy. I really like you.”
<br>
<br>
Then we hugged each other, and suddenly I realized that I was stronger than I thought, and BAM, my life came back!
<br>
<br>
Now I feel a bit frazzled (probably more tired, gotta catch up on my sleep schedule!), but excited for the future! It’s gonna be great! I learned a lot about myself, and I Faced my Demons.
<br>
<br>
Will I drop acid again? Probably, but not for a very long time! Not until I’m a bit further along on my path, right now I’m just treading the water in the depth that is my Life.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2010</td><td width="90">ExpID: 84824</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 23</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Aug 12, 2020</td><td>Views: 1,399</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=84824&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=84824&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Multi-Day Experience (13), Combinations (3), First Times (2)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(edible / food)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 2:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 4:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3 - 4 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/dmt/">DMT</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">200 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
Closure and an Immensely Cathartic Experience
<br>
<br>
So for some context:
<br>
<br>
This experience took place about 8 years ago, and at the time I was living on campus at a liberal arts/farm college. I had spent the past year living there, including two semesters of school and a job on the campus over the summer. It had been the best year of my life, and possibly still is to this day. The campus (located in the mountains of <!-- Swannanoa -->NC) had a massive amount of land open to the students, including cow fields, forests, mountains, trails, rivers, and even a bamboo forest and an apple orchard. There were only two "public safety officers" on duty at a time, and they typically stuck to the main roads on campus... they didn't really patrol the fields, trails, or areas of the school without roads unless the were called. It was really hard to get caught using drugs on this campus, and even if you were they had very lax drug policies. If you were simply caught with possession of drugs (at least ones like weed or psychedelics), it just meant a write up and MAYBE a drug class. I had friends who had several write ups for drug use and never faced serious consequences.
<br>
<br>
This may seem like a lot of context, but I need to emphasize how important this time was for me. It was my first time living on my own, and it was also the point in my life where I was really able to experiment with psychedelics on a deeper level. Plus, the campus was relatively small (900 students or so) and very tight knit... the people were fucking awesome. I had made some of the best friends of my life there. And nearly everybody there smoked or tripped regularly. So I was working there over the summer, and I found out that due to a complex situation involving the school raising tuition, I would not be able to keep attending the next year. Naturally, this made me very sad.
<br>
<br>
That's where this experience begins. I began this trip knowing it would be one of my last living on this campus and even in that state. I was mentally prepared for the trip, I was sad but I was in a mindset where I was eager to appreciate the time I had left there. Me and two other friends decided to drop some acid that someone we knew had, and we already had some DMT so we decided at some point that night we would add that to the mix. So we bought the LSD (on sugar cubes), and we were told that the doses were a bit lower than usual so they were cheaper. Knowing this, I still took only two.
<br>
<br>
(it's been a long time since this trip, so time stamps are approximate)
<br>
<br>
T+0:30 - I began to feel that strange, silly sensation that indicates a trip is coming on. Colors seemed slightly more enhanced, and my friends and are were starting to feel 'giggly'. Pretty standard fare for coming up on LSD.
<br>
<br>
T+1:00 - It hadn't been very long, but I could already tell the trip was going to be very mild. I hadn't really developed in visuals yet, mostly just enhanced colors and a slight psychedelic head space. We decided to make our way to one of the cow fields and watch the stars.
<br>
<br>
T+2:00 - We were still in the field... lying down, smoking weed and looking at the sky. At this point, I was starting to get some mild visuals- very slight traces with motion and some rainbows stretching between the stars. If I closed my eyes I was beginning to see some familiar geometric patterns. As I had assumed it was a fairly light trip... I would probably guess that each sugar cube probably contained around 40ug of LSD. I was happy with the mild trip, too. I knew that we would eventually be smoking some DMT, so at the time I was content with how things were. The most pronounced effect was just a deep sense of love and appreciation for my friends as well as the time we were spending together in nature.
<br>
<br>
T+2:30 - My friend decides we should go to another cow field, as she believed there were actually cows in that field at the time.
<br>
<br>
T+2:45 - Sure enough, there were. The cows were always a bit skittish of people coming by at night, but we knew from experience that if we were quiet and still they would come to us. So we sat in the grass nearby and began to meditate. My closed eye visuals were pretty pronounced for how light the trip was, and it was very easy to just space out. Every time I opened my eyes, the cows were a little closer to us. Soon, they were right next to us, grazing silently. Sitting there in peace and quiet and having a bunch of cows slowly come up to you is a very beautiful feeling. We sat there with them in silence just enjoying that moment.
<br>
<br>
T+3:30 - I was beginning to peak, but it was still a very tranquil and low key trip. As a group, we felt it was getting close to the time for us to smoke the DMT. We decided to take a short hike up the mountain to a cool little spot by the river. It was a bit of a long walk, so it would give us some time to prepare ourselves for the experience.
<br>
<br>
T+4:00 - It was a pretty quiet hike, but the walk really cleared my head and was a very meditative experience during this trip. As we approached our destination, I began to feel very emotional. The sadness that I would be leaving this place mixed with how happy I was to be with my friends in that moment become a combination of feelings that was hitting me quite deeply.
<br>
<br>
T+4:30 - We had arrived at the little patch of land by the river where we had planned our DMT trip. We had spent a few minutes in silence preparing ourselves, and then we loaded our devices. I personally used a small bong I had carried in my backpack. Once we had all prepared our doses, we smoked at the same time.
<br>
<br>
I took maybe three or four hits, I can't remember exactly. Colors began to consume the entirety of my vision, so I just closed my eyes and allowed myself to be transported. As I blasted off, I could feel those deep emotions boiling within me. And something new hit me -- loneliness. I realized I was leaving nearly all of my closest friends behind by leaving, and was suddenly beginning to feel a strange sense of nostalgic sadness. For some reason at that moment I began to truly appreciate that no matter how close we become to others, at the end of the day our journey is our own. For some reason in this moment, this idea was absolutely heart breaking to me. As all of this was swimming in my head, I felt a presence approaching me. It was actually a presence I was familiar with, because I had sensed it during many of my previous DMT trips. I never saw anything, but I always got the impression that it felt like some type of animal sniffing at me in a curious way. At this moment, I was in the middle of a huge emotional revelation and desperately trying to sort out my feelings, and this presence just felt distracting. I found myself wishing it would go away so I could focus on myself, but it just grew more "curious" of me and continued to invade my space. That's when it hit me.
<br>
<br>
So for just a little bit more context. When I was a kid, like ages 7-12, I had a dog. It was a dalmatian named 'Chester'. I had loved that dog as a kid, but my parents had left him outside while we were gone one day... and when we came back he was gone. I don't know if he got out of the fence or if someone took him, but I never saw him again. I was crushed that I never even got to say goodbye to him again.
<br>
<br>
The realization that this presence that was sniffing at my face was Chester came instantaneously. And as soon as it did, I began to bawl my eyes out. Immediately, the presence became a million times more playful, and I could feel it run around me excitedly. I was playing with my childhood dog again, and I felt like I had been given the farewell I had always wanted. I just sat there crying harder and harder. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I felt like I had been given the farewell I had always wanted. I just sat there crying harder and harder.</div></div> All my loneliness was gone. It became clear to me that people, animals, and things that meant so much to me would always be a part of me. And suddenly, the thought that I was alone on the path of life did not feel like such a sad thing. As the trip began to fade, I had a strong feeling that it wasn't "goodbye" at all.
<br>
<br>
Tears still running down my face, I realized something. I was still sad to be leaving that school, that state and my friends, but that sadness wasn't heavy anymore, it felt so much more pure and beautiful. I was thankful for the time I did have, and optimistic about the beauty and new experiences ahead of me. I felt like a new connection had been made within me... a connection to everything and everyone that has touched me and a connection to life itself. It was one of the single most cathartic experiences of my life. I spent the rest of the LSD trip just sitting in the forest talking to my friends, knowing that there was significance in that present moment.
<br>
<br>
Even in the weeks after this experience, the sadness of leaving that school wasn't so painful, and the new found sense of connection and optimism remained. I want to clarify that I don't necessarily believe that the entities encountered on DMT are 'real', or that you are actually taken to another dimension. I acknowledge that I don't really 'know' anything for sure, but I do not operate under the assumption that I was actually contacted by the spirit of my childhood dog. What I do believe was that I found a part of myself that I had left buried for years, and rediscovering that was able to heal me tremendously on an emotional level. It was the type of experience that doesn't matter if it's "real". It was beautiful and it changed me for the better. So in that sense it was absolutely real.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2012</td><td width="90">ExpID: 114662</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 19</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Aug 14, 2020</td><td>Views: 1,383</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=114662&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=114662&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), DMT (18) : Entities / Beings (37), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Combinations (3), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(edible / food)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">185 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
My first acid trip was a jarring and sobering experience that recontextualized my view of reality. Its attitude could be summed up as, "You think you want to understand existence, huh? Think you want to exist? Well HERE. HERE IT IS. This is the fundamental nature of existence in this world. This is your life, right now. What are you gonna do about it?"
<br>
<br>
A thought I was toying with long before the trip:
<br>
Consciousness isn't the material particles here in the physical world, it is the thought which is represented in that moment of space. When there is a thought to perceive it as something meaningful, that thought inherently causes that meaning to exist. It is the junction between the physical and the conceptual world that is our existence. The conceptual world is what people in different cultures refer to as things like the spirit world, nirvana, or god.
<br>
<br>
Late morning, I and several friends ingest 1 standard dose of LSD in the form of a sour candy. I hold the candy under my tongue for a few minutes, moving it from side to side before swallowing. I had not planned to do acid until my friend Michael offered me a tab moments prior, nor had I any idea of what the experience would be like. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I had not planned to do acid until my friend Michael offered me a tab moments prior, nor had I any idea of what the experience would be like.</div></div>
<br>
<br>
After about 1 hour, we all go on a walk. It's cold and there's snow and ice on the ground. I am experiencing no effects other than warmness in my chest, and begin to feel disappointed. I begin to notice that my thoughts are somewhat unusual. We step on a thin sheet of ice on the pavement and I have the strange realization that 'this ice is like my social interactions: I act like I'm afraid the ice goes all the way down, but really it's just a thin sheet over the firm concrete.' The realization comes as a physical sensation that I am unable to understand or put into words. We continue to walk for about another hour.
<br>
<br>
Sitting on the couch, my entire existence becomes the singular point of perceiving, being in this moment. There is no further knowledge of the passage of time and the details in my vision are reduced to the singular perception that I am here right now. This idea, this perception, is very completely and very definitely real. This is a fundamental truth; I perceive therefore I exist. It is entirely distinct from the physical world, as it is simply a thought, but it exists as a thought. The fundamental truth of my existence persists unwaveringly throughout the entire night and the next day, as I write this, it has not gone away. By its very nature, its desire to exist, I do not expect that it will ever leave, though it may become partially obscured by the slow return of my normal cycles of thought.
<br>
<br>
Over by the counter where people are talking animatedly, more thoughts become present. Everything everyone says is reduced to the simple truth implied by those words, and that truth is "I want to connect with you". I then become aware that this thought is being expressed because that person is embodying the perception that they have the desire to exist; to continue perceiving. The truths of wanting to exist and wanting to connect coalesce onto a single point of perception, and enmesh with each other. I envision this as a band of color in closed eye visuals, as if part of a spectrum shining amid darkness. I embody this point of thought as well as other such coalitions of perceptions, which I perceive as different colors along a spectrum. Many thoughts coalesce and weave into different frequencies, overlaid upon the solitary point of my existence. One definitive coalition of thought that arises is that to maintain our desire to exist, we must grow. In the moment, right now, the opportunity to grow is to connect with these other people; these other existences that share the desire to exist. I am aware that because they have a desire to exist, they have a desire to grow and to connect with me. I find myself actively attempting to contribute to the conversation, applying great effort to attempt to connect. Cooking spaghetti with Portabella mushrooms, Ryan says, "mushrooms are weird." I say, "Yes, they are. Ryan says, "I like them." I say, "I don't really like them". The coalition of the desire to exist and connect induces an intense curiosity for trying to figure out what our combined existence is; this great mystery of what this world and our existence is.
<br>
<br>
It becomes obvious that now that I have realized it, the meaning of life is to grow as much as possible. As we experience, we experiment with perceiving different combinations of thoughts. Some combinations inherently lead to spinning cycles of thought; self sufficient bands of existence that press forward their will to exist despite any competing thoughts. These self sufficient cycles result in a beautiful array of spectrum, which presents itself over and around the person (in my mind's eye, not in my actual vision). This array represents the entirety of the person's expression, and is their soul. Some people choose to experiment more freely than others, and their souls contain lots of self-sufficient cycles. This results in a larger and more beautiful aura, but the lack of care with which the cycles were constructed causes them to be potentially harmful to delicate, less assertive thoughts. Because of the nature of growth, one very important goal is to create an environment in which as much thought can exist as possible. Another important goal is to maintain one's perception of existence, so that they may induce change with intent. The coalition of the desire for permeation of as much thought as possible and the desire to exist is the perfect junction at which to grow. However, some if not all people are unsure about their desire to exist. This causes them to either hold back and not express as much as they might, or to create self sufficient patterns with gross negligence as to the damages they might cause. If someone is generating self sufficient patterns with gross negligence, it might be because they have internalized a partial desire to not exist. This may represent itself in a person as sadism or abuse.
<br>
<br>
In the real world, Michael shows these attributes by playing gleefully with a blow torch. Just as the talking earlier exemplified a desire to connect, his playing with the blow torch blatantly exemplifies his desire to impose destruction on the world. The combination of the beautiful patterns caused by the desire to grow and the diminution thereof caused by his negligence to the physical world results in the spectrum that is Michael, embodying goodness and greatness as well as amounts of lethargy and hatred. I quickly find myself being affronted by his experimentations as well as those of others, as I am less willing to impose destruction on the world (because doing so would make me less than what I could be). I continue to try to connect and to share the experiences with others, but it becomes rapidly difficult to do so, as I must invest more effort to assert my will among the cycles of thought cast out by others. I embody the thought that because I am unable to connect with others, they are unwilling to interact with me. The fallibility that is this imperfect world forces us to impose our will upon other thoughts, causing them to die. I continue to try to force my will on the thoughts of others so that I may connect, but the increasing difficulty forces me to become more and more disconnected. I am forced to face the question that if I want to grow to my full potential, I must use more effort to impose my will on the world.
<br>
<br>
Out of a hidden thought that I need to protect myself during this acid trip, I remember that I have a profound duty to protect the integrity of the structure of my molecules in the physical world. Therefore, I do not consider becoming any more negligent than I can possibly avoid while still maintaining the perception of existence. I am forced to face the reality that I must continue to assert my will with as much fervency as I can muster. However, I realize that I can't reach my full potential as I am right now. I need to love myself better, and allow myself necessary indulgences such as sleep. I am faced with the conundrum that in this imperfect world I am not ready; I am not complete. Even so, I feel the intense need to press forward and grow from this experience of now as much as I possibly can. As the evening progresses and I am continually faced with the harsh reality of this imperfect world, my intense desire to live gives way to a feeling of "I really don't know if I want to keep going or what I want out of life. I mean, I guess I should keep going. It wouldn't really be fair to the rest of existence if I stopped". By the next day, this thought has turned into "I don't know what I'm doing and I'm not ready to answer the question of "do I want to experience life?", but I'll keep going and maybe I'll find the right answer later, once I've learned to love myself".
<br>
<br>
During the whole evening, I look at people and am faced with the fundamental truth that they are sharing this experience with me, and have somewhere within them the desire to grow. This truth is so blatantly obvious that I feel unable to express it to them, for fear of looking stupid and therefore causing them to think that there is no value to connecting with me. I try to communicate my desire to connect by asking things like "how are you feeling?" This leads to only moderate success. At times I say something without enough intent or don't say anything at all, and it does not lead to the connection I desire. This feels terrible, as it forces me to face the truth that right now, I am not good enough to connect with that person. Each time I fail to connect, I experience my unworthy being die, to be replaced in the next moment by a different being. Even so, I press onward, experiencing the moment and learning from my mistakes. Throughout the evening as people say things, I am so entrenched in the thought that we are sharing these experiences that every time someone says something, I interpret it as meaning something about the profound nature of existence. This causes several awkward interactions, where someone will say something about some mundane or unrelated topic, which I interpret to be a commentary on the miracle of our existence <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">someone will say something about some mundane or unrelated topic, which I interpret to be a commentary on the miracle of our existence</div></div>. Ryan says to Michael, “...it isn’t the same as it was last time.” I cut in, “If you’re saying what I think you’re saying, then YES.”
<br>
<br>
Throughout the night, I try to force myself onto a path of loving myself, with what feels like partial success. Even as I force myself to press onward and continue to experience life, I continually remind myself that I've done enough growth for the night and should give myself a break. These conflicting forces cause a very uncomfortable sensation in which I feel just barely grounded, while simultaneously like I should press forward but each time I do, part of me dies.
<br>
<br>
The day after, I feel like I have a level of control over myself that I never have before. I am able to directly apply my mind to solving particular tasks, and I feel that I am present in a given moment with definitive certainty.
<br>
<br>
I don't know what the f*ck I'm doing right now, but I know I should give it a shot. F*ck. Life.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2020</td><td width="90">ExpID: 114774</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 20</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Sep 23, 2020</td><td>Views: 1,282</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=114774&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=114774&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), First Times (2), General (1)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">206 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
<!-- Experience Date: 9/5/2020
<br/>
Age: 19
<br/>
Gender: Female
<br/>
Weight: 206lbs
<br/>
<br/>
-->This experience was very profound and has greatly improved my self confidence and self worth. Prior to this I had experimented with drugs before; I had five mushroom trips and five DXM trips under my belt (DXM is <!-- don’t do DXM its--> bad), so I was fairly experienced and felt ready to try LSD. Previously I had been somewhat scared of it because of how long it lasts and the fact that you never truly know what you’re getting with LSD, but upon further research I discovered that LSD is less intense mentally than mushrooms, so I figured I would give it a try. LSD was in fact less intense on my brain than mushrooms, but it felt like I reached a few layers deeper into my subconscious than any of my mushroom trips. I truly underestimated LSD and I’m grateful that the Lsyergic gods showed mercy on me despite doubting them.
<br>
<br>
I had been chatting with this trans guy I met on Tinder and he offered to give me a tab, so I took the offer. He said he had done tabs from this batch before and been fine so I trusted that it would be authentic LSD, and thankfully it was. In hindsight I shouldn’t have been so eager to trust someone I barely knew, but hey, everything turned out alright in the end didn’t it? He dropped the tab off at my house at around 11:15 PM and I spent the next twenty minutes staring at the tab working up the nerve to put it on my tongue. Eventually I talked myself up enough to take it at 11:39 PM and I was off to the races.
<br>
<br>
The first thirty minutes were pretty uneventful, only noteworthy thing was that my tongue felt weird as the tab dissolved. I started coming up around 12:20 AM, the onset was much smoother than a mushroom trip and the visuals took longer to kick in. The body high was very similar to shrooms but minus the nausea, it's kind of like being really stoned but I didn't feel drowsy and I actually felt somewhat energetic. For the most part I just danced around my room and listened to Dorian Electra or whatever else I felt like listening to.
<br>
<br>
By 1:00 AM the visuals start to set in. The visuals manifested themselves as triangular patterns forming on my skin and embedding themselves into my surroundings as well as pictures on my phone and computer. To be honest I was somewhat underwhelmed by this, but it was fine because the high felt amazing and I knew the visuals would intensify as the night went on. I spent the next hour and a half snapchatting my friends and watching various music videos<!-- (Charli XCX in particular was fun to watch)-->, as well as coming up with funny realizations like “duuuude why do we never think about the amount of hours we’re awake in a day?” But around 2:30 AM the trip begins to take an intense and introspective turn.
<br>
<br>
At one point I caught a glance of myself in the mirror from across my room and I felt very dysphoric. Being trans dysphoria is nothing new and usually it's easy to shrug off, but dysphoria during a trip is something I wanted to avoid at all costs, so I quickly looked away and tried to move on to something else. However, I was drawn back to the mirror in a “No, let’s dive into this and see what I’m so afraid of” kind of way. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I quickly looked away and tried to move on to something else. However, I was drawn back to the mirror in a “No, let’s dive into this and see what I’m so afraid of” kind of way.</div></div> It’s difficult to describe what followed, but it genuinely felt like I was confronting my mental illness(es) face to face. I was talking to myself in the 3rd person, coming to all of these realizations about my life and things I’ve been unknowingly doing to hold myself back from being myself. I was very angry with myself, but it was a cathartic kind of anger, the kind of anger that actually feels productive and like I was releasing a lot of built up tension within me.
<br>
<br>
This back and forth with myself lasted about two hours and I jotted down a ton of notes on my phone, which is something I wouldn’t have been able to do on mushrooms and especially not DXM. I decided to say fuck it and smoke some weed because I felt amazing and was comfortable upping the anti. I don’t think the weed did much since the weed I had at the time was pretty weak, but it felt quite nice. After I had essentially worked through everything I needed to, I felt like I had reached a state where I was the most authentic version of myself. Not concerned with what anyone else thinks like I normally am, even when I’m alone. I felt this unwavering confidence, as if I had just KO’d someone in a boxing ring and was flexing to the audience. It was unreal and I would kill to feel that again.
<br>
<br>
The rest of the trip was essentially me basking in my confidence. Around 5:45 AM I moved to the balcony of my house to smoke weed and watch the sun come up. The sunrise was beautiful and the birds sounded wonderful. Once it got a bit brighter I decided to take a walk to my local corner store and buy some snacks. I was still tripping balls but I could handle being in public just fine. The walk was quite nice and it was fun watching all the trees dance around me. After I got back I decided to say fuck it and cook some breakfast. I friend an egg very poorly and made an egg sandwich out of it, it still tasted delicious despite the egg looking mangled.
<br>
<br>
The trip past this point was mostly uneventful except for one bizarre visual thing. After eating I sat on the balcony and stared at the trees in the distance forming gorgeous patterns and constantly shifting, but if I focused hard enough, suddenly my peripheral vision was much clearer, colors started changing really rapidly and it felt like I was being sucked into something. It was very bizarre and I’m curious if I’ll feel that again the next time I decide to try LSD.
<br>
<br>
So in conclusion, this was an incredible trip. It's been nearly two weeks since the trip as I’m writing this and I feel much better about myself and my life. I feel like I’m slowly but surely working toward the vision of my true self I saw during my trip. I will say though that after this I’ll be taking a break from psychedelics. This year has been quite chaotic and frankly I’ve been using drugs as a form of escapism, even when I had genuine intentions of exploring my subconscious. I think I need to take some time to actually incorporate the things I’ve learned into my life before I decide to trip again. Honestly I’m just thankful this trip didn’t go south, which it very well could have if I wasn’t prepared, but I stuck it out and I have no regrets.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2020</td><td width="90">ExpID: 114768</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 19</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Oct 13, 2020</td><td>Views: 1,632</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=114768&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=114768&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), First Times (2), Alone (16)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">54 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
This is a true story of my experience of entering what I call "The Abyss" in a time where I was going through a really rough patch in my life, and feeling completely healed by it.
<br>
<br>
For a bit of background, I am a health professional and my job is to help others who are struggling with issues in their lives. On the side, I have researched and published academic articles on the use of psychedelics for therapeutic and recreational purposes. I am happily married and a mother of 2. I was struggling recently with family issues, as my dad has developed a severe alcohol use disorder and is in a DV relationship, and I have tried in futility to help him for the past 2 years. I was coming to terms with the fact that I could not help him, and my dad has been the most important man in my life since I was born, my hero. I was experiencing severe anxiety and feelings of insecurity and abandonment for several weeks. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I was experiencing severe anxiety and feelings of insecurity and abandonment for several weeks.</div></div>
<br>
<br>
In October 2020 I decided to take an LSD trip with my husband. I have a lot of experience with psychedelics and have had many profound experiences.
<br>
<br>
We had been to dinner and had a lovely evening with approx. 2 glasses of wine. We came home and put the kids to bed. I took 1 tab of LSD and did what I usually do, hula hooping and listening to cool music. I felt sick at some point and went and lay down outside with my husband. I was feeling pretty trippy, a bit of visuals and the well-known changes in overall perception and consciousness, nothing profound at this point. I had expected to cry and process the stuff that was going on with my dad but not much was really coming to the surface.
<br>
<br>
I set up a "nest" inside with comfy blankets and candlelight and my husband and I made love<!-- (if you've never had sex on acid then you definitely should)-->. I smoked a little cannabis after that. I felt tired and uncomfortable and at that point I was probably in the peak of my trip. I remember a feeling of forgetfulness, like I would forget what I was doing, where I was going in the house, and this was unusual but I put it down to the cannabis (I'm not a regular cannabis user). I told my husband I was going to bed.
<br>
<br>
I went into the bedroom and turned off the light. I instantly entered a most unusual state that I have never experienced before. I can’t even say “experienced” is the right word, because I was not in my body to be able to experience anything. It was like I spontaneously did not exist, there was no time or space, no body, only black. I gradually came back into my senses and I had no idea who I was or where I was, I had no idea of my life history or any other person in my life, it was complete amnesia and I was disoriented in the room. I managed to find the light switch and turning on the light in the room helped me to piece together my identity gradually. I still felt really tired but I decided to try to sleep with the light on because I was concerned that I might forget who I was again.
<br>
<br>
This time with closed eyes I experienced some close-eye visuals. I don’t really remember the nature of them, detailed undulating imagery and patterns. I had the urge to peel back the layers and keep going underneath each visual to see what was behind it. It was like looking under a rug to find another rug that you need to look under. Eventually there was a black opening, like a crack in the overall visual. I edged closer to it in my consciousness (as I was just lying in bed this whole time with eyes closed). I entered the abyss for a second time, the same thing as what happened with the light off, complete black, nothingness. I once again forgot who I was and had to piece it together. There was no emotion attached to this process, no fear or elation, it just was.
<br>
<br>
After re-entering this realm of reality for the second time, I thought of my dad. I felt intense emotional pain. I envisioned all the terrible things I fear for him and allowed myself to see them and feel everything that I had been avoiding. I did not go to sleep, I went upstairs and told my husband about the abyss experience. I was not very surprised by it or entirely amazed. It just felt like a normal thing to happen really. He was very intrigued and referred to it as “the cosmic vagina” (some sort of pop culture reference, I believe). I described it to him as though my brain was “rebooted”, a “factory reset” on my consciousness, if you will.
<br>
<br>
Since then almost a week has passed, and I am feeling so much better within myself. I do not feel anxious, or when I do, I can view it and process it immediately. I am still sad and feel some degree of emotional pain about my dad, and the situation has not resolved, but it does not take over my life anymore.
<br>
<br>
Overall, I feel that I was reborn through the cosmic vagina and it healed by emotional problems for now. I am thankful for this experience<!-- and I would recommend lying down in a dark room during a trip for therapeutic purposes-->.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2020</td><td width="90">ExpID: 114851</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 32</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Oct 17, 2020</td><td>Views: 1,007</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=114851&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=114851&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Combinations (3)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">75 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
At first it started as an LSD experience somehow similar to the one I recalled (I had LSD once, two years ago - the experience was very mellow and comfortable). After about an hour, colors became brighter, flashes of light in front of my eyes occurred. Everything that caught my eye was suddenly extremely fascinating, I felt I was slowly drifting to the trippy state. My mind was a little dizzy, maybe like mellow high, but still sharp. As tens of minutes passed, the visual hallucinations started to be extremely vivid and real. Beetles crawling on the ground, little trees sprawling in the distance, patterns making waves, moving up and down, showing me all colors of the spectrum. Shit was quite heavy – in this moment, I was fully in the trippy zone, not really functioning normally anymore, only feasting my eyes on everything I saw and all the emotions that came with it, partly forgetting my real surroundings.
<br>
<br>
(Hour and a half after taking the tab)
<br>
<br>
But then the vibe grew exponentially. The feeling of being in a different realm than usual began to be extremely strong – I was no longer able to think straight. Every second that passed brought a whole new reality, but before I could relate to it, try to understand it or at least look around, another reality came in the next one. It was like slices of thousands of trippy dimensions stacking randomly on top of each other in matter of splits of a second. I forgot where I was. I couldn’t no longer figure out how I got to the spot, what I did the day before, what was to live a normal life. I couldn’t remember what normal life was. The information in form of words still emerged in my brain, but without any emotion, image or relation. I was trapped in the moment, flowing recklessly with it – there were no other possibilities.
<br>
<br>
(Two hours after taking the tab)
<br>
<br>
The visual hallucinations got to a state of me reconstructing the visible, not only connecting patterns, but moving it. Changing the shape. I looked at the stars and they were randomly running around the sky, zooming in and out. Everything I glimpsed from this point was living, moving and reacting to my existence – all absolutely indistinguishable from reality. Shape, color, velocity… all together in a fraction of a second melted and shifted, as another fraction came.
<br>
<br>
From this point I can’t recall the events very clearly, because my sober mind is unable to perceive what started to happen with my conscious, the trip was too strong. About tens of times stronger than the first one I had two years ago.
<br>
<br>
(Two and a half hours after taking the tab)
<br>
<br>
My mind was lost. I had nothing to hold on to. My whole perception of reality in a freefall. I started to have physical hallucinations. The tips of my fingers no longer felt as a part of my body, like someone cut off the synapses that took care of them. My whole humanness narrowed to my mind only. I couldn’t feel myself anymore. Just like we forget a thought we wanted to say few seconds ago - I experienced that with most of my senses. I forgot to feel.
<br>
<br>
My consciousness was so overloaded and lost that my brain started to forget taking care of my body. Seconds in which I touched my face and felt nothing. And then, instead of a touch, I felt a taste. But not with my tongue, simply with my consciousness. When I watered my mouth and played with my tongue a little, I realized it disappeared. I forgot what taste feels like to my mouth. I grabbed a water bottle. The hand grasped it successfully, but I didn’t feel it. Looking at the bottle and holding it tightly with my hands only made something like a tickle in the middle of my brain. The shape of it constantly shifted. I took a sip, and the second the water started pouring into my mouth, I couldn’t taste it. I didn’t feel my tongue. After I swallowed, the water didn’t go down my throat. It disappeared, right behind the place where my tongue used to sit. There was no throat. There was no me.
<br>
<br>
(Three hours after taking the tab)
<br>
<br>
I started to doubt there was even something like the „normal sober reality“. It was like something I heard about, but had no idea what should it be. I felt like my real life happened some really long time before, a few years maybe. I didn’t recall anything, only words came up in my mind from time to time – for example my name, which I was trying to repeat to reassure who I am and not forget. I got scared. My senses were disappearing, reappearing and transforming. I was terrified that my brain will be damaged for good, that I lost the normal cooperation between my mind and body - which is absolutely natural in normal state for all of us, and there is no way to feel it. But now I realized it can be separated. And it got separated. I was free.
<br>
<br>
Like a newborn baby. That’s exactly how I felt. I was new to a world I’ve never seen before, same as my own me. I didn’t know how a human works. I had to learn how to process what I see, what I hear, what I touch. I had to try understand what signals is it giving me and how to sort them out in my head to make a proper reaction. Time kind of stopped existing, knowing I have a never ending amount of this. The actual clock went so slow it seemed as days and days going by. I was trying to understand the feeling and just relax and glide with it, but when I got too relaxed, I feared I would never return to the original space and time again.
<br>
<br>
(Three and a half hours after taking the tab)
<br>
<br>
I pushed myself to stand up and start walking in the middle of a field at night, with only the moon illuminating my path. I thought it could be a good way to make my mind finally understand that the living ME still exists, breathes and walks. And it worked out well. As I was coming back to the safe spot and back out in the fields again, I began to experience something like my own life line. My life in this realm, the only real one I had left. A campfire in a crater-like structure with about 25 meters in diameter became my home. A base camp, like in some RPG game. There was a world out there, and a safe place right here, with my friend taking care of the fire. I could only remember things that happened since I got in the trippy state – it was the only life I knew, and it felt as days, maybe weeks old. I had a home, a friend being there with me, an outside world full of crazy ass sceneries that looked like the most beautiful landscapes I’ve ever seen, constantly flowing and changing the height of their horizons, and only thing I still got the chance to do was perfecting my perception of reality and being more united with it.
<br>
<br>
(Four hours after taking the tab)
<br>
<br>
I wanted to learn how to work with this feeling rather than fighting it. I gained skills in calming myself down and being able to relax, with every minute. It was extremely difficult though, at times I thought I can’t take it no more. But my mind endured well and never succumbed, even in times of almost panicking, even after I realized a horrible thing – there is nowhere to go. Nowhere to hide. Once you start to refuse and throw yourself in despair, there’s no way to help you. When you’re wasted? Water, throwing up, laying on the floor and you’re good to go. Overly high? Pretty much the same thing. But this. This bullshit is in your mind – not only it’s in your mind, it’s YOU. It’s a part of your realm. Maybe calling an ambulance to get a transfusion? Wouldn’t work. It’s stuck in your neurons, not in your blood. Once you refuse, you’re fucked. That’s why I learned how to relax and observe it with a little clearer mind, not focusing on things happening to my body that drove me insane.
<br>
<br>
(Five hours after taking the tab plus, from this point the heaviest hallucinations started to wash away slowly, they finally did about 8 hours after I took the tab)
<br>
<br>
And to be honest – that was when I got to FREEDOM. My mind unleashed, set free from my physical substance. But guess what – it does not feel good. It’s not fucking natural for humans to live this way – we were born a species that works as a tight symbiosis between <!-- your mental and your physical you-->mental and physical. Once your arms, legs, mouth, tongue, lungs, air in your lungs, your heart, intestines, ability to touch, taste or accommodate your eye disappear, part of your soul disappears. Our natural bodies are our freedom – our home.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2016</td><td width="90">ExpID: 108615</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 19</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Nov 13, 2020</td><td>Views: 1,184</td></tr>
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : General (1), Alone (16)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
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<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
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<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">vaporized</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(extract)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(flowers)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 4:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">50 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/dipt/">DiPT</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(powder / crystals)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 8:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">vaporized</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(extract)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 8:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">vaporized</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(flowers)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 8:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/alcohol/">Alcohol - Beer/Wine</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">240 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
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<!-- Start Body -->
A lot of experience report authors <!-- on Erowid--> like to post their psychoactive 'résumés,' I thought I should too in at least one of my reports, for completeness, and for science! Here’s the list: cannabis/concentrate, cocaine, opium, alcohol, mushrooms, dmt, lsd, lsa, mescaline, mdma, mde, 4-aco-dmt, 4-ho-mipt, 2c-t-4, 2c-c, 2c-e, 2c-i, dipt, doi, 25i-nbome, 25c-nbome, mxe, dxm, nitrous oxide, 4-mmc, methylone, jwh-018, jwh-073, salvia, and other various herbs/plants and pharmaceuticals such as: alprazolam (xanax), amphetamine (adderall), buprenorphine (suboxone), bupropion (wellbutrin), clonazepam (klonopin), diazepam (valium), oxycodone, hydrocodone, lorazepam, metazalone (skelaxin), methylphenidate (ritalin), paroxetine (paxil),quetiapine (seroquel), tramadol (ultram), venlafaxine (effexor), zolpidem (ambien), morphine, phenibut, pseudoephedrine, ephedrine, caffeine, amanita mushrooms (muscimol), syrian rue, guarana, morning glory, mimosa root bark, nutmeg, tea, coffee, damiana, mugwort, valerian, 5-htp, melatonin, piracetam, kava, ginseng, tobacco, ginkgo biloba and miscellaneous inhalants.
<br>
<br>
I had been sitting on this DiPT for about six months, and at this point I could wait no longer. Being that this semester is the busiest of my entire college career, the one day that I didn't have an essay to write or an impossible organic chemistry concept to grasp, I decided to utilize for this experiment. I will admit that I had some nerves about this trip. I hadn't taken any type of psychedelic in at least a year, but there was A LOT of heavy use of cannabis, both buds and concentrate (wax/oil). The year directly before that had been one of the most copious and exploratory periods of my life when it comes to psychedelia, having tried close to a dozen new tryptamines and phenethylamines.
<br>
<br>
After I had returned home from a long day at my internship, I realized this would be the perfect time to delve back into the psychedelic universe. My girlfriend was out of town for the weekend, I had no responsibilities, and I was in a relatively good mood overall, having done well on my organic chemistry midterm. I retrieved a single blotter tab of some cid from my freezer. I had it (along with my 50mg capsule of DiPT) in a pill bottle wrapped in plastic, filled with rice, then wrapped in foil. So all the goodies were stored well for that time period and in my opinion lost little to no potency. After all, the three most important things to keep away from any compound you want to preserve are light, oxygen and heat, and I had looked out for all three.
<br>
<br>
So I wasn't that surprised when it turned out to be a decently strong dose of my good old friend, LSD. I put the blotter under my tongue and allowed it to sublingually do its thing for approximately half an hour. This was around 3:30PM. During this time, I drove to the store and bought a single 16oz PBR before the effects became too strong and I wouldn't be able to do such things.
<br>
<span class="erowid-caution">[Erowid Note:
Driving while intoxicated, tripping, or extremely sleep deprived is dangerous and irresponsible because it endangers other people. <a href="/chemicals/show_image.php?i=dmt/dmt_contraindications1.gif">Don't do it!</a>]</span> When I returned home, anxious as usual during the come-up of anything, I tried to find something to kill an hour during my psychedelic adjustment. I decided to take a long, relaxing shower, and it definitely was. After getting out and drying off, I finally noticed those first signs, the electric tingling throughout my body and the slight breathing of everything at which I stared, along with some mental cues associated with tripping I can't properly explain.
<br>
<br>
To get more comfortable, I decided to take a few dabbles of wax off of my new oil rig (basically a small glass bong with a glass-on-glass fitted removable dome and loosely placed titanium nail/plate suspended between them both). Watching the butane torch flame wrap around the concave titanium nail was like witnessing a micro-aurora borealis, and as the metal began to glow cherry-red, the detail of every single particle of light was overwhelmingly apparent, and beautiful. I took a few generous globs of my homemade wax and a thick cloud of vapor burst upward, percolated and delivered painfully deep into my chest. After a few ordinary bong rips of some buds, my lungs had finally relaxed once more. Now I was high. As fuck.
<br>
<br>
I love weed. I feel more comfortable in that state than I do in any other, or lack of one, I have experienced. But like any drug, it can without a doubt be pushed to an intense level. It is hard to overdo it with straight bud, but when I start messing around with concentrates, whether extracted from outdoor, indoor, medical grade, Mexican grade, etc., it will be potent. If it is made with a good technique (rapid) and good solvent that is (such as IPA, ethanol or butane). After a good few hits, or if <!-- you are-->I am simply on some other psychedelic drugs (such as LSD, currently) it can have a powerful and unordinary effect without a doubt. It feels as if one is free falling, or being sucked through a vortex at incredible speed, hence the reason we (friends) refer to it as vortexing. By actual definition, one could argue this is a cannabinoid overdose, I have witnessed many arguments on forums about this, but honestly, if you are experiencing effects you didn't expect, and that are extremely uncomfortable (to you), then I would consider that an overdose, yes.
<br>
<br>
Though I have grown quite fond of all the mental quirks and effects cannabis has to offer, these more powerful effects have taken some time to get used to. Amidst my acid trip, I began to feel that sensation of free falling and have occasional tactile rushes of energy and euphoria throughout my body. And every time I would open my eyes, I could see and feel everything vibrating with me, on the same frequency, tuned into the same radio channel as my soul.
<br>
<br>
I tried to relax, and I began to mentally recite a mantra (om… ma… ni… pad… me… hum…) for several minutes, until all of my thoughts had ceased. The continual ADHD, OCD and manic stream of thought had been dammed. Finally, I stepped out of my spare bedroom (it is the smoking area) and into the hallway, and it is here where I experienced something I had never experienced 'somewhat due to weed' in my entire life. Yes I was on a hit of cid, but it wasn't overwhelmingly strong. The several hits of hash oil must have played a SIGNIFICANT role in this 'vision' that occurred. Behind closed eyes, it took form similar to a MXE (methoxetamine)-induced vision. Slowly, a body manifested over a black background and it was clearly a voluptuous female. With very sensual proportions, she had generously curved hips, and then I suddenly noticed a bluish tint. Then as the idol's form came into fruition, I could see her skin was that of a tiger's, specifically a Bengal tiger. The image clearly displayed before my closed eyes was reminiscent of an amalgam of a character from the recent Avatar movie (the native alien race) and a goddess, with the skin of a Bengal tiger perfectly stretched over her human-esque form. After opening my eyes, she was gone, and I began to think deeply about what thought truly is, and in what way I am even actually participating in the phenomenon.
<br>
<br>
The autonomous function that is the mental stream we can only perceive and act upon, modify or dismiss, had lowered its arms; it was no longer running at full power. This idea of a mantra always fascinated me, and now it has helped me rid myself of any behavioral or other type of pharmaceutical rubbish, and I feel that I have even more control over my brain now (during this period of my life) than I could with those pharmaceutical drugs. Emotion and feeling cannot be ignored, no, but one can bury that deep, and other rushing ideas like wanting to tell the world everything and do everything instantaneously and having quantitative quirks and requirements in order to feel at peace is a nightmare, or can be, if a person submits to such thought patterns. It has taken around 25 years, and after working on this since my elementary school years, I finally feel like I'm almost there. It is possible. Behavioral and mental 'disorders' such as ADHD for the most part are a product of lobbyists, not research. And a lot of times these 'disorders' can be 'fixed' with medication and help to produce a more 'desirable student' for the classroom.
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<br>
In my honest opinion, with hard work, most behavioral problems can be understood and controlled, as can any actions, using self-control. And with the personal integration of techniques such as the utilization of a mantra, breathing and deep-thinking, a lot can be accomplished as far as understanding and being in control over your own mind. I will say that some mental disorders, such as schizophrenia and Alzheimer's, are not like the ones I am speaking of (ADHD, OCD, manic depression, generalized anxiety disorder, etc.). With mental ailments such as schizophrenia, until the industry finds a decent treatment, sedatives and other medications are definitely necessary in 'some' cases. It is a shame that we have such a high level of mental illness in the world, but what I am getting at is that a lot of it is rubbish. Being uncomfortable is not always the worst possible state of being. Mental work can go a long way and not as many people (especially children) should be pumped full of these behavior-modifying drugs. America should be held responsible for such a selfish and easy pattern of diagnoses.
<br>
<br>
Reflecting on all these ideas during my trip brought me great peace, because I do not feel as if I have any mental 'disorders' at this point. I like to think of it more like if life were a video game, I would be playing on hard or expert. Though it may take me twice as long to learn the controls, when I do, I will have much more control than a person playing on normal. I also spent some time reflecting on my brother and my father. Both can be very angry and stubborn at times, often over trivial things that do not matter. Though my dad has cancer and could die in the next few weeks from major surgery, my brother doesn't want to try to let him in. But for good reason, well, Jim Morrison said it best, dads are well, no one has a 'great' dad, I'll just put it like that.
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<br>
It had been around four hours (it was now 7:30PM), and the acid was just starting to come down. Never having reached a strong psychedelic state, I decided it would be a great time to try out this weird tryptamine I had lying around. It is called DiPT and is mainly an auditory psychedelic, as opposed to the typical and more widely known visual ones. I emptied the contents of a 50mg capsule of DiPT into a glass of orange juice and drank up the whole thing in one go, along with the empty and tryptamine-dusted capsule shell. I had virtually no effects for the first 30 minutes, then the next hour was just more gentle breathing and morphing but with that strong tryptamine buzz and edging to everything around me, similar to a gram or two of mushrooms.
<br>
<br>
But around the hour-and-a-half mark, things started to get noticeably stranger. I had been occasionally turning on the TV to try and hear if any voices or sounds were distorted like I had read about in the book TIHKAL. I only noticed slight changes but wasn't really sure if anything was truly different. I took a shower to kill some time. I took a long, steamy shower for around half an hour and mentally ran through the mantra again for at least 20 minutes, relaxing to the point of near-sleep! But alas, all things must come to an end, and so I jumped out, eager to see what, if anything, was on the psychedelic radio tuner.
<br>
<br>
To my not-so-much surprise, everything was auditory! There was an SNL special on with interviews from all the cast members from the ’90s and they were talking about their best and worst moments. There was a clip being shown and the voice speaking was akin to Louie Armstrong's voice: very, very deep. I couldn't place it. Then they showed the person that had been speaking and it was Chris Kattan. He by far had the deepest voice of anyone who spoke. It was strange; some people were almost entirely unaffected, such as Molly Shannon. Then Will Ferrell and Norm Macdonald began talking and sounded almost as deep as Kattan had. It was as if a few random people had their voices lowered several octaves. Music took on a new form as well. I can't describe what had changed really, but most music sounded very unpleasant, and so I gave up on it relatively quickly. This is an example of one of the only psychedelics I would say watching TV on could be a great use of the substance. Getting to hear so many voices and obscure sounds showed me how strong this stuff really was and what effect it was having. The synergy between the DiPT and cid was amazing. This was close to a perfect dose for me. A little higher could have been better though. But this was unknown territory and 50mg was a safe dose. And strong.
<br>
<br>
I didn't want to actually talk to my girlfriend on the phone that night because of how freaky-weird and distorted her voice would inevitably sound. It would be too disturbing, so I just opted to text instead. After saying goodnight, I broke into that PBR I had purchased earlier, and it was good, really, really good! I packed a few bongs and took another hit of wax before sprawling out on the couch. At this point (around midnight) I was really exhausted, not just from the psychedelic adventures but also from the internship earlier in the morning. Since I had to wake up at 6AM yet again the next morning, I decided to try and go to bed. I ended up smoking weed, writing poetry and messing around on Facebook until 1AM. When I got into bed finally, it was the most comfortable I had felt in years. I fell asleep practically instantaneously and slept like a rock all through the night. In the morning I felt relatively normal, definitely a slight afterglow of effects but no hangover and the internship went fine.
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<br>
I probably won't try DiPT again because of its rarity<!-- , but I would DEFINITELY recommend it-->. It was quite a unique experience and I definitely won't forget it.
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<br>
Ḱ∀ℛℭЇℵØḠ€ИℐÖṲŠ<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2012</td><td width="90">ExpID: 103130</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 25</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jan 20, 2021</td><td>Views: 1,404</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=103130&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=103130&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">DiPT (110), Cannabis (1), LSD (2) : Alone (16), Music Discussion (22), Combinations (3)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">4 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:40</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">235 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
It was a Saturday, my major exams were finished for the semester, and I’d bought a relatively large amount of acid to use over break earlier in the week. I’d used LSD a few times before in my life, and purchased a large quantity as it had a profound psychotherapeutic effect, and worked well for treating my various mental health problems. I’d observed that the dosages in the 100-200ug range were effective for a few months, but symptoms would slowly resume after, so I planned to try 400-600ug after reading various experience reports and discussing it with those more experienced online. I woke up a couple hours later than I’d wanted too, and took the initial dose at around 11:40.
<br>
<br>
A quick note before I begin, I’ve had multiple episodes of psychosis growing up, but nothing in the last few years, and nothing while using psychedelics, including this trip. I’ve found that alcohol is an extremely effective antipsychotic if used sparingly in moderate doses, which is why I reached for it here, more on that later.
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<br>
T: 0:00
<br>
I took 4 tabs, each 100ug. I’d tested this batch before, having taken a single tab when I first got it to make sure the dosage was correct. Sticking them under my tongue, I headed into the shower. Within 20-30 minutes (I like to take long showers) I could feel the effects come on.
<br>
<br>
T: 0:40
<br>
I got out, dried off, got dressed and went to grab something to eat from my kitchen. My memory begins to be a little hazy at this point, and I felt fairly disoriented. I stepped into my backyard to get some fresh air, and noticed everything in my visual field begin to twist into itself. I headed inside. My kitchen felt strange and alien, though I felt like I was managing alright. I decided to take another 100microgram tab.
<br>
<br>
T: 1:10
<br>
Somehow, and I only realized this after coming down, I’d managed to boil some eggs without burning my house down because at this point it was very difficult to complete basic tasks. In any case, I grabbed a popsicle, checked that I had my wallet and phone, lighter and transit cards, and headed outside for a walk around my block. I usually go out in public alone while tripping, and I was starting to get worried, so I figured some fresh air, and being around other people would help me calm down. I was about halfway around when I started to feel really weird, so I got back to my house quickly so I could sit on my couch or lie down or get a drink to calm the possibility of paranoia and prevent hallucinations (though, I’ve never really had any on psychedelic drugs). I circled round to my house, went to open the door, realized it was locked, reached into my pocket to grab my keys, and that’s when I realized I’d left them on my desk.
<br>
<br>
T: 2:10
<br>
Doing something so stupid wasn’t unordinary, and I don’t think the acid was the reason I forgot my keys--it was probably just bad luck. I knocked on the door desperately, my heart was beating incredibly fast, and on top of all this, the acid had really set in, the “ego death” experience which I’d read about online, which I was chasing after with this dose as a way to permanently fix my problems, was beginning to set in. It was at this moment that I kept cycling between three thoughts: I’m going to be put in a hospital, I’m never going to get out of this trip, and I’m going to die. My immediate concerns of course, were practical. I didn’t want someone calling the police on a deranged, psychotic man beating a random door down--though when I think back to this, it was extremely unlikely, as my neighbours were familiar with my antics, and probably would’ve helped me if I needed it. I called my Dad, who had plenty of experience with psychedelics. He told me to breathe, I did. He told me to calm down. He asked how much I’d taken. When I told him, he was shocked. He said he never took that much at once himself. This was not what you wanted to hear while approaching ego death sitting on your stoop. He then asked if I’d called my roommate yet, and then I remembered I should probably call him. But he was asleep, he’d been sleeping in very late so there was no way he would answer his phone. I called, I tried desperately knocking a few more times, no answer. I called my Mom (who also had experience with psychedelics), told her what was going on, and asked her to pick me up. She was as shocked as my Dad when I told her the dose, and that’s when I thought I’d really screwed up. She stayed on the phone with me as I paced up and down the sidewalk. Finally, after a length of time I can’t possibly measure, she arrived. I got in the car and held onto her desperately as we drove away, still freaking out.
<br>
<br>
T: 2:40?
<br>
My Dad called again to talk, and somehow, being in the car with my Mom, with my Dad on the phone, I was lucid enough to hold a conversation, even lucid enough to tell my Mom not to snipe at my Dad, since they’d been divorced for years and it was enough already. My Mom led me into her house, and I went straight for the liquor to prevent psychosis from setting in (I need to note, as I’ve mentioned it a lot at this point, I DO NOT use alcohol regularly, only in emergencies and occasionally with friends and family). The alcohol went down very easy, it was hard to measure how much exactly I’d consumed, but my Mom stopped me from having too much. I began to calm down, lying down on the couch with my Mom, listening to music, I let go of all sense of self, all attachments, and the world began to melt around me. According to her, for the next few hours, I was repeating the same words over and over again. I remember very little from then, and before I knew it night was falling.
<br>
<br>
T: 6:00
<br>
My roommate called me, according to him I managed to give him the basic details of what had transpired, and also that I needed him to let me back into the house when I got home. I remember going to the bathroom several times, each time it was different. Once, everything in my vision was “bubbly”, another, I thought I saw eyes in the tiles on the wall. I had a number of visual distortions, things popped and moved in strange ways, there were so many at once it was hard to describe, but at this point I knew I was beginning to come down. We watched a movie, people’s faces were distorted and cartoonish, and I felt cognizant of underlying social structure which the film pulled from, but which seemed obvious to my Mom; I had difficulty putting together the meaning of a scene sometimes. I cried during the film because it was about a queer kid, and I was a queer kid, and I realized my Mom was just trying to understand me. I told her not to pause it.
<br>
<br>
T: 7:00
<br>
My Mom had to make a skype call to another family member, she asked if I wanted to be in it but I told her I didn’t want them to see me “like this”. She went into her room, and I was alone in the living room. I lied down and thought about how dangerous it had all been, how worried I made my parents, who loved me so much, and why I fucked myself up so much, and how much it must hurt them to see me get so fucked up, and what if I had actually died, in a way I was trying to die, I was trying to screw myself up beyond recognition. I cried so much, I cried more deeply and longer than I’d cried before. After, everything felt clear, like a great torrent had flooded out of my body, my soul, and many of the visual distortions had cleared up. My head was clearing up, too, and I was at the point in an acid trip when I start to notice patterns in everyday objects I hadn’t seen before, but magnitudes more intense. I noticed the light fractals in the refraction of a magazine page, I must’ve stared at that for 20 or 30 minutes. In general for the next few hours I was staring at shit around the living room, and picking at a cyst on my back that was really bothering me, and noticing how uncomfortable my lower back was from standing on two feet, like, was my ego the thing that made me stand on two feet woooooh, and every time I saw something cool I would loudly exclaim wooooah and my Mom would laugh. She made me dinner at some point, the alcohol had given me the munchies and I was eating plenty of salty and fatty food so I felt fine.
<br>
<br>
T: 10:00
<br>
I cried again about something else, I can’t recall, it was more painful but less teary. I was fairly lucid at this point, but my eyes were still dilated. Not to the extreme they were before, where my pupils were blown out waaaay larger than I’d seen them on my lower trips. My Mom got me an Uber to get home, and I called my roommate to let him know, repeating exactly what I’d told him a few hours before. I felt very calm on the ride back. I hugged my roommate when he answered the door, went to grab my keys, and went straight back out of the house to check out some christmas light decorations I’d seen in the car. I spent about an hour tooling around and staring at various lights and ornaments before heading home, expecting the trip to be over soon so I could finally get some sleep.
<br>
<br>
T: 13:00
<br>
But it didn’t end. I was extremely hungover, and I felt like absolute dogshit, and I couldn’t sleep, and I still felt weird, and I was still tripping. For the next twelve hours, I did nothing in bed but watch “safe” youtube videos to keep me distracted while cycling between getting water, shitting, and lying in bed. I took some melatonin at 2 or 3pm the next day and finally slept for a few hours before being popped awake.
<br>
<br>
Epilogue
<br>
<!-- I think I must’ve given myself serotonin syndrome from the combination of LSD and Alcohol. -->It’s been over a week. I’m basically back to normal but I still have weird visual distortions which are gradually receding. My thoughts are slowly becoming less racy, my regular habits and psychological states being brought back. It was valuable, but I'm never doing this again. I haven’t touched a psychoactive drug aside from melatonin since, in the fear that it will slow my mental recovery. In terms of my mood, I’m usually calm and collected, but about once per day I’ll feel my heart begin to race, my thoughts grow unorganized, and my visual space become slightly distorted, but then predictably within 30-45 minutes it recedes and I feel closer to normal. I’m sure within a few weeks to a month I’ll feel totally fine, but for someone with such a history of psychosis this was incredibly risky and probably inadvisable, although after this it would be hard to say that it’s still something I should worry about. It wasn’t a “good” trip, nor was it a “bad” trip, it was a fucking hell of a ride, but I got what I wanted out of it, I probably “cured” my mental health issues, for whatever it's worth.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2020</td><td width="90">ExpID: 115083</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Not Specified</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 21</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jan 26, 2021</td><td>Views: 2,250</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=115083&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=115083&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Combinations (3), Families (41), Hangover / Days After (46), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Train Wrecks &amp; Trip Disasters (7), Various (28)</td></tr>
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<div class="report-text-surround">
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<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
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<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">5 - 6 glasses</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/alcohol/">Alcohol - Beer/Wine</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">64 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
<!-- Just thought I would follow up...
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<br/>
-->Headed over to a mate’s house for the night, he was having a small gathering or around 10-20 people. He suggested that I try the LSD I had purchased at his, as he was experienced and able to take care of me. I was in a very optimistic mood and definitely comfortable with the crowd that was at the house currently. I had not eaten anything since breakfast, over the course of the trip had between 5-6 beers (4.7%).
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- 7:45pm I decided to just try out one piece of blotter, just as a test. Tasted sort of weird... almost metallic, the sort of taste when you put soap in your mouth (as I have found out, when my idiot 9yo brother decided to cover my toothbrush in soap, and me not noticing started to brush my teeth).
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- 8:15pm Hmm, not really feeling all that much, maybe a slight change of perception and general thought process, nothing too obvious, no pupil dilation, no discomfort at all. Seriously considered at this point having another tab, my close mate talked me out of it, claiming that 'I should just let it happen'.
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- 8:30pm Decide to go for a walk down to the bottle-o to buy some beer, walk up to the counter, pay for it, then start my walk back to the house. Now, this is when thing started to happen. I felt the sudden urge to urinate, which I thought kind of odd because I hadn't eaten or drunk anything since 8am. I walk down an alleyway, and face towards a metallic corrugated garage door. All of a sudden, I notice that the door is 'breathing' moving in and out as if it is weightless and being blown by a gust of wind. This is where the trip starts to begin.
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- 8:40pm I can feel that my pupils are dilated before even looking in the mirror, I was able to tell this as I could see when I looked at the street lighting, the colours of the rainbow with a strong blue hue around them. This is generally the same with me, when I have taken MDxx substances; it is one of the first things I notice. I feel very tight around my chest area, my mouth is starting to dry out.
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- 9:00pm Arrive back at the house. I can definitely feel the acid taking control of me now. After a quick glance in the mirror I notice that my pupils are extremely dilated and pretty much cover the entire iris. Fortunately at this current time, I was with a group of friends that were experienced with the drug and could give me advice. My thought process is racing, yet also very clear, there is some definite intent there in my thinking, just what yet I don't know.
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- 9:15pm It is around now that I start to notice from what I will now call 'Time-Lag'. I would watch people move in front of me, and instead of their body being in one place, it seemed that there body was in many places at once. Someone would throw something, and I could see it in all stages of its motion, as if it staggered camera action shots all thrown together to form a sort of video. I was experiencing tonnes of visuals, for a period of time I saw everyone blowing a bubble with a piece of pink bubblegum out of the corner of my vision, yet when I looked at the person directly it would disappear. I am seeing patterns and shapes appear on the brickwork of the outside of the house, twisting and turning snakes and branches. Around now, a friend at the party asks if he can buy a piece of blotter from me, I told him the price (which was what I paid, no profit) and he gleefully accepted, more about him later.
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10:00pm - A new bunch of people arrive to the house, some that I know, some that I don't. This makes me feel very uncomfortable, the sort of feeling you get on your first day of school, where you don't know anybody, yet it seems that everyone else already knows each other. One of the biggest revelations I experienced during my trip occurred around now. Two of what I would call my friends sat down next to me, they are extremely closed-minded about drug use, I thought to myself “no illegal substances, but poisoning yourself to death with alcohol and cigarettes is fine?”, kind of hypocritical considering I do both. My sense of humour is still working. They kept on asking me if I was “OK?”, I remembered thinking “What do you want me to say? Yes? No?” and then thinking to myself... “Am I really OK?” I thought back to what I would call my “previous life” all the choices and decisions I had made which had got me to this point, how some of them turned out bad and some of them good. My thoughts were going like crazy, a million miles an hour, it seemed like I had opened up a doorway, through which an endless torrent of thoughts/feeling/emotions flooded through. Playing with my head, tormenting me.
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11:30pm – Basically, from 10pm til now, I am certain that all I did was just sit on a chair and apparently “mutter under my breath”. Yet it felt like so much more than that. Maybe to the far more onlooker I looked a little like a zombie, almost in a trancelike state. But in my head amazing thoughts and visuals were playing themselves out. The next thing I remember is a wave of thoughts about my family and friends. Distinctly thinking, that they are just a figure of my imagination, the labels/tags that I place on them are unfair and maybe I need to revaluate my feelings towards them. This was further proved by the fact that one of my friends spent the next 15 minutes waving his hands in front of my face asking me if it “tripped me out” and asking me “is it as good as weed?”. What kind of a question is that, how can you compare something as mild as weed to something as wild and untamed as LSD? Chalk-and-cheese. I remember thinking about how “naïve” they were to even ask me that question. From now on, I just wanted to me left alone.
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<br>
12:00am – Two of my mates who live near me decide that it is time for us to leave the house, and head off towards home. Against my will, we begin walking. The next 30 minutes consisted of me walking, for what seems like miles, but as I understand was only around 2 kilometres. One of my mates asked me if I wanted a smoke, I declined saying “I don’t smoke”. He seemed puzzled, I am normally the one who gives smokes out to people, and he was only trying to repay me for my generosity towards him, a true, kind friend. Thoughts still are racing. Both closed and open eye visuals, as well as some auditory hallucinations.
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<br>
12:15am – We decide to stop off at a park. My friends are only drunk, it makes me realise how much I dislike the effect that alcohol has on people, turning absolutely great people into retarded, semi-coherent infants. We met up with the guy that I had previously sold blotter to earlier. We walked up to him, he was an absolute mess, he had no idea who we were, much less where he was. I had prepared myself for this trip mentally beforehand; I had made a conscious and fully-sober decision. I read up all I could on websites<!-- like Erowid and Bluelight-->, til I felt that I had the best knowledge possible and felt comfortable. When I had sold blotter to him earlier, he had been under the influence of speed, weed, and a lot of alcohol. His decision to take it was spur-of-the-moment; he didn’t fully understand what he was getting himself into. Yet I sold to him anyway, in hindsight a bad decision. I thought he could handle it, and I freely admit I was wrong. He throws up, his pupils the size of dinner plates, completely unintelligible. I feel the need to leave this scene, so I head off, without even saying goodbye.
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12:45am – Arrive home. Wander through the darkness towards my bedroom, careful not to wake my parents or my brother. Take off my clothes, and chuck on an old T-shirt. This is weird; I feel an amphetamine type buzz running throughout my body. I feel like I am regaining some sense of normality, but I know deep down I am deluding myself. It seems to me that sitting alone in the darkness only amplified the effects of the LSD. I had a stage... where I thought about my friends and family and how they were just a figment of my imagination. That they didn’t really exist. That I didn’t exist. I tried staring at myself in the mirror, I found this very horrific, one of the worst decisions I have made. I saw myself with bugs crawling out of my skin, I wanted to look away but I was horribly transfixed. My face morphed into many different things; most disconcerting at all was the featureless face of a manikin. I felt like crying, scared and alone.
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<br>
2:30am – The experience continues. Although I can feel it weakening, the powerful grip releasing me, slowly. By now, I just want this experience to end, I have had enough. It is now that I feel the first sign of a slightly normal consciousness reappearing. The sense of hunger, a feeling which I had forgotten and had only just relearned. Since I had arrived home, I had visited the bathroom multiple times to urinate. The weight on my thoughts seems to have lifted slightly, like a patch of blue sky between grey clouds. A sign of the future, after the trip, which I could have, if I manage to succeed. I am not sure if I experienced what they call “ego-loss”. IF ego-loss means reforming one’s identity into something better by the insight given to them in the trip, then this has definitely occurred. I feel built anew, rejuvenated.
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<br>
4:00am - I manage to eat something. Two small packs of potato chips, I know that the experience is almost over, and I am returning to somewhere near baseline. I check my pupils in the mirror, almost back to normal. I can feel the tiredness washing over me, for some reason I have aches and pains in my joints and muscles, and cant keep still and keep occasionally have muscles spasms which cause me to jerk around. I turn on the portable miniature radio, I find that listening to the spoken word helps me to fall asleep, and deal with my insomnia problems. I tune it into the cricket, Australia have lost 10 wickets between lunch and tea. My stomach drops.
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<br>
5:00 – I lie down in bed. I am sure I am ready to sleep now. I know that I only have around 5 hours sleep maximum as I have to get up at around 10am. I think I fall asleep around about 5:30, although I don’t actually remember it, no memorable dreams at all.
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<br>
Day After - When I wake up I feel as though I have slept for ages, despite this I feel sore in all my muscles and joints, and desperately hungry. My thoughts about this experience are very muddled, and that is part of the reason I writing about it. It allows me to systematically go through my memories and piece together the events that unfolded. I think it also will allow me to communicate how the experience was the many of those who haven’t tried LSD yet.
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<br>
There were parts there where I felt like I had lost it all. Despite all my preparations, I barely made it through with my sanity intact. I do think that the experience was positive, and if not positive certainly not negative. I feel like I have a definite goal in my life, I want to finish school and go to university. I feel that I have a lot to learn about myself still, and who knows maybe LSD is the only way to really learn who I am and why I am here. LSD could provide the answers, but then again it might just open up more questions.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2009</td><td width="90">ExpID: 80761</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 18</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jan 30, 2021</td><td>Views: 1,377</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=80761&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=80761&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Various (28), Combinations (3), First Times (2)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">100 ug</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">38 g</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cacao/">Cacao</a></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">80 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
The intention of the journey was to explore the healing benefits of LSD combined with Yoga. I was also curious to see how meditation and LSD would work together – if there was room for it after LSD + Yoga had been explored I would be curious to try it. The ceremonial grade cacao was meant to help with physical energy (for yoga) and the empathic warmth seemed like a positive addition. The mindset was one of open curiosity and yet determination to explore the healing properties of these techniques under LSD.
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<br>
The investigation of Yoga + LSD was done together with a friend and successful, but I will describe it another time somewhere else. In the evening my friend left. I had some food and returned to the room where we had done Yoga (this is around 7 hours into the experience). I felt I wasn’t done with my work but was unsure what was to come next. Part of me had wanted to explore meditation, and I felt drawn to it now.
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<br>
I sat down. First played soft music over speakers, then switched it off. Tried to sit cross-legged, but my legs hurt, so I changed position over and over. Tried to settle in, felt like I needed to go to the bathroom, left and came back. Tried to meditate without music, but it didn’t feel right.
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I was clearly avoiding something. I didn’t know what it was, but something made me quite apprehensive, and I just couldn’t manage to sit still and let it come.
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This went on for something like 15-30 minutes until I managed to pull myself together. I put on the meditation timer for 30 minutes, sat down cross-legged and vowed to see what was to come, to sit here no matter if anything happened or nothing would.
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It took a couple of minutes where nothing at all was happening. I was following my breath and softly paying attention to the “white noise” that I hear when everything is very quiet.
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After a few minutes, there was some sadness, some tears and the realization that maybe I was avoiding and running from the fact that today’s dosage had been too low for meditation and there was nothing that was going to happen anymore today. It felt good to feel the sadness and to come to terms with it. But soon it would become apparent that I couldn’t have been more wrong.
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My mind had moved at this point to a kind of focused place of non-attachment and surrender. The best image that describes it is a mountain: Steady and strong it stands, unmoved by anything that is brought before its eyes and into its experience. I was undoubtedly influenced by the report I had read <!-- on Erowid--> (https://www.erowid.org/experiences/exp.php?ID=25635) which reminded me of the books I had read by Jed McKenna. And here I was to explore myself. Interestingly, the non-attachment and the focused surrender to anything there was came relatively naturally. Once I settled into it, it was possible to maintain the mindset even while adjusting sitting posture or putting on a new meditation timer every now and then.
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At some point, ever so vaguely, images started to appear before my eyes. They were somewhat black-white and only on the edge of being visible, but their meaning was clear. They were images of a future of mine that could come to pass. I saw myself with a partner in a loving relationship (which I had always wished for). I sat there, watching the image, insisting on staying unmoved. I was alone in the room, so I had the freedom to speak aloud:
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“I don’t require you. What’s next?”
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I used the phrase “what’s next” that felt just perfect and that was used in the report mentioned above. The phrase “I don’t require you” contained the meaning “no matter if you are my future or not, I refuse to attach to you and ask you to come to live. I am willing to take the future as it is. I stay in surrender, I stay in non-attachment.”
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The image passed, being uncovered as an illusion. Another image appeared. Me with a wife, with kids, having a family, leading a loving life. I stayed unmoved. “I don’t require you. What’s next?”
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Other images came, piece by piece. One image would cause me shame, made me appear in a hurt, sad way, humiliated, having my dignity taken away. I did not move or react to it. Other images would even be trivial. Some touched upon success in life, some showed me following the footsteps of my parents in life.
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The response would ever stay the same.
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This went on for quite a while. Until the coming image fundamentally changed, both in its vividness and in what it displayed. What I saw was a gigantic object made of light, somehow resembling a vacuum cleaner, rising up high into a black sky. In it, there was an innumerable amount of pictures, or better, life scenes – these life scenes were the perceptions of every human being that had ever lived, every single perception that had ever been perceived in the eternity of time, all collected within this gigantic machine.
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But there was a horror in this image. This gigantic vacuum cleaner simply had the function of collecting all this information, and what was it for? It became clear that all of humanity was simply a simulation. Data was being gathered by this machine which some entities that can best be described as Aliens had created. Humanity was a simulation of insane complexity. And the whole project was a … hobby some entity had loosely engaged in for a short period of time. Because they didn’t know what better to do and wanted to pass some time. It was a side project that was running by itself somewhere. An entity went by every couple of weeks to look what the simulation was doing and if anything could be done with this gathered data. No more or less importance to it.
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Thinking of all the tragic, trauma, horrors and sufferings of life in such a bleak, non-caring way readily could have evoked emotions of anger, injustice, insignificance and wanting things to be different. It was a tough, tough image to be presented with.
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Yet very soon a realization occurred that would exceed the horrors of the previous image: That this image presented, while clearly seeming to be on a higher level of reality, could very well in itself be another layer of illusion, not truly existent, no reality.
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(This may be hard to understand, but the prospect of humanity, everything, existence, this (me) not having a foundation in reality was so much more terrifying to think.)
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But it indeed seemed this next image I had perceived had also no realness to it. I regained inner posture. I looked at the image, looked at the aliens, the collector machine, images of humanity infinitely compressed and collected in there.
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“You do not have foundation in reality either, and if there is no realness to you I refuse to accept you. I don’t require you. What’s next?”
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The image and the illusion of it had been seen through. It took a bit until the next image appeared which was a golden-red helix-cascade rainbow of love. Love being expressed in all colors of the rainbow, not only taking the form of love itself how we know it, but all emotions and experiences there are, negative and positive ones, ultimately being love. While the image would have been incredibly beautiful under normal circumstances, I had settled on my inner posture and refused to leave it. “I don’t require you. What’s next?”
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It disappeared. Then came what can best be described as the source. Somewhat shaped like a square, not round, but in no way limited like a square would be. Consisting of pure light, as pure as light can be, or rather pure energy. The very purest essence of existence there was, still in its ultimate raw form of pure energy. The essence of the Universe. It couldn’t be traced down to a more ancient, original form. This was the beginning of everything.
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It was magnificent. And yet – I saw it and continued. “If you can fall apart, then there is no realness to you, so if you fall apart – what’s next?” I felt there was something to see and to understand here, and I was “determined” (not really, as I was even unattached to anything like determination) to see where it would lead.
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---
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The source would disappear. I would be presented with the last thing I would see.
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It was the great nothing.
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At this point, there was no “I” anymore. What had gone onto this quest had been reduced to perception itself. And perception which had gone onto the quest of finding what is real was now facing the absolute truth.
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The absolute truth was nothing. There was nothing that was real. Piece by piece had been taken away. Everything had been taken away. Nothing was left.
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Nothing was real. And in facing the nothing, perception was facing the most horrible threat it could encounter:
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Non-existence.
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The fear this instilled was of an otherworldly degree. The sheer fact of non-existence was terrifying beyond words. Perception had sought realness, yet all this search did was strip away everything. The last thing left was perception itself which now stared into the threat of non-existence.
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Just like reality had been traced down to its purest essence (if there was one which there was not), so any beautiful ornaments that hide the true character of fear had been stripped away. What stayed was the purest, most absolute form that fear could possibly have, shaking the foundations, the sanity and the core of perception, taking all hope away.
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I have to this day never much believed the stories of people “losing their minds on psychedelics”. I figured it’s just people struggling with traumatic memories coming up and not being able to deal with them. But this – seeing this changed my mind. This made all the sense in the world: Being confronted with the threat of non-existence on the purest level would have to drive you mad with fear, anguish and horror.
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This enemy could not be overcome. If everything is taken away – if nothing is the only thing there is left – you lost. No fight against this opponent could succeed. Fear of non-existence was the conclusion of this journey. Chances are it would haunt me for the rest of my days.
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Yet coming here had not been an accident. I had been led by forces other than myself to this place. There was a reason why I was here. And I refused to let utter fear be the conclusion of the journey to this place. “I refuse to let fear be the conclusion of this, and I refuse to leave here in fear. What is the resolution to this?”
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I wrestled with this for what was probably just 10-15 minutes, but considering the degree of fear felt way too long. Perception was still looking at the great nothing. Something needed to happen here – this was leading somewhere. I had read the books by Jed McKenna which had somehow prepared me for this quest for realness. I remembered how he interpreted the tale of Arjuna ultimately giving the signal to fight.
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And the resolution came.
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Perception had gone on the quest for realness, and perception had come to an attitude of perfect non-attachment: Not accepting anything that was not real. Now perception stood facing the great nothing, knowing that the consequence of stepping into the great nothing was likely being extinguished. And perception regained inner posture. It looked at the great nothing and spoke:
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“If you do not have the power to extinguish me, then I will persist. And even if I have nothing else then, I will have perception. If this is what is real it is all that I require.”
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“If you have the power to extinguish me, then I am not real.
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If I am not real, then I have not been real in the first place.
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If I have not been real in the first place, my existence was then an illusion too.
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And my search for realness will surrender everything that is not real.
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If it then turns out that I seek realness but that I am not real –
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Then nothing is lost by me being extinguished.
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I surrender myself.”
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So it spoke, and the last opponent had been vanquished. Not the opponent of the great nothing – the last opponent to the search for realness was indeed perception itself, its hope for life, its clinging to existence. Yet in this final call it yielded its last attachment – the willingness to exist. It was abandoned. Freedom was found. The threat of non-existence was not anymore.
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Anything would be surrendered, even perception and existence itself.
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<br>
…
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I found myself quite disturbed and unsettled the following day. As in: What in the world is one to do with this kind of experience? Why had I been led here? I was wrestling with it, the sheer insignificance of everything, yet allowed myself to be pulled back into reality somewhat by family life around me.
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The day after was though when a resolution emerged. It came in the form of gratitude. A non-specific kind of gratitude that stretched out to the existence of everything, and most of all to perception. The fact that anything was being perceived – and that I was the one perceiving it – was the greatest miracle.
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They say we don’t know how valuable something is until we lost it. I had found myself exposed to the threat of existence being lost, and most importantly, perception being threatened to be lost. Knowing how fragile reality is, knowing what an unlikely gift perception is gives incredible value to everything you see, hear, feel, perceive. I found myself marveling at everything, treasuring perception of everything – yet acknowledging within me that none of it might be real, but that it was incredible that perception could perceive it anyway.
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And I found myself silently nodding to the great nothing. Remembering that one day, perception may be consumed by it fully, non-existence being complete. Anything non-real to be extinguished, including everything, leaving nothing behind. But if that would be so, realness could be searched. And in the process, everything could be yielded for it. Even the will to live. And thus, the threat of the great nothing could not hold anymore.
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<br>
…
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I was hesitant in writing up this experience, as I cannot figure out if it’s good for people to know of this perspective on life. It is disturbing for sure. I was exposed to it earlier by reading the books by Jed McKenna. I could never quite figure out if I appreciated having read them or if my life was worse for it.
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<br>
I guess this report is worth something to those who seek psychedelics for spiritual reasons. And I feel there is some benefit in having had the experience I have had. In my days now, no matter if they be good or bad, I know somewhere in the back of my mind that the seeming existence of life is incredibly precious. Moments of perception are fragile, so fragile, and seeing life after this almost feels like a sacred gift. I suppose it is possible to walk away from this experience with a remaining sensation of fear, and fear only. And I suppose this is also the place where people can lose their minds. For all I know it can go horribly wrong, and I know I had been very, very challenged by what was presented to me. Yet it feels I was able to come full circle, and the persisting sensation that seems to stay with me is gratitude. Gratitude for perception. Gratitude for everything.
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So maybe the journey is worth the price.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2021</td><td width="90">ExpID: 115124</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 26</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Feb 6, 2021</td><td>Views: 1,207</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=115124&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=115124&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Migraines (154), Yoga / Bodywork (202) : Mystical Experiences (9), Entities / Beings (37), Combinations (3), Alone (16)</td></tr>
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<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
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<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">70 kg</td>
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The following is my account of my first LSD experience. <!-- It is a long report but I think it will be useful for those who have never done the drug, or perhaps are interested as to what higher doses feel like. Hope you enjoy!-->
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When I was 18 I had my first experience with LSD. Like many others before me, I had been raised to fear drugs, and to accept unconditionally and without question the so-called ‘drug propaganda’ we are all so accustomed to; drugs are bad, they will ruin your life, etc. etc. And, also like many others before me, it didn’t take long for 18 years of societal conditioning to be dropped when the opportunity to take LSD presented itself. I had had very brief experiences with mind altering substances before; I had smoked weed perhaps once or twice before to little avail, but still considered this all the experience necessary to dive headfirst into the psychedelic realm. I was also a pretty heavy drinker at the time (as most young and dumb 18 year olds are), so any chance to inebriate myself with a new and apparently exciting substance was too good an offer to pass up on.
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My friend had previously ordered magic truffles from online and taken the entire packet, and told us that, although an overwhelming experience at times, was something that we ourselves just had to experience. After some ‘research’ (as much research as someone with no knowledge of psychedelics can carry out), we decided we would try LSD, with the effects being not too dissimilar to those of truffles and easy access to dark net markets. We ordered 10 250 microgram blotters from the darknet, managed to get a house to ourselves for the evening and split the blotters between us. After some discussion, two of my friends decided to take just under a full blotter (about 5/6 of one), and one friend sensibly volunteered himself for trip-sitting duty. I, on the other hand, felt it was better to go headfirst into the experience and saw no merit in cutting off such a small amount of blotter paper, and decided to take an entire tab. We dropped our respective tabs at approximately 6pm, with high hopes for what was to come.
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<br>
I had prepared myself a notebook and pen to write down the effects during the trip itself, with the hopes of gaining some introspection or being able to report at a later date what I had experienced. After just a few minutes of the blotter being under my tongue, I was feeling like the effects were already coming on; I remember writing down something to the effect of “bright colours appearing, wall breathing”. I was very much under the impression that the effects would be subtle and that the reports of ego death and hallucinations were nothing more than metaphors; simple figments of imagination that I could easily observe and separate myself from. This innocent and naïve understanding of LSD was shattered just 20 minutes later, when I started to experience real, tangible open eye visuals. Any doubts I had about being able to feel the trip began to leave me as I sat there in the garden with my trip-sitting friend. I began to see what I distinctly remember to be hieroglyphics forming on the patio stones. They were constantly adjusting themselves, transforming into new and incredibly complex patterns. I remember thinking the patterns were being formed by worms, or perhaps some other sort of insect or creature. Just several minutes into this, I already knew I was far too out of depth, with the hallucinations becoming increasingly more potent and my sense of reality starting to shift. During this time, I remember feeling incredibly nauseous and sitting alongside my friend asking him if he was seeing what I was seeing, to which I received a funny look and a resounding no.
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After about an hour sat outside and starting to wonder what I had gotten into, I returned inside and lay down on the carpeted floor. At this point, the come up had ceased and was turning into the peak, but at no point was I consciously aware of this. It was as if the short-term memory of having taken a drug was fully erased and only the present moment existed; no past or future, simply now. I closed my eyes and began to experience the most breathing and unfathomably beautiful visuals I have ever see. It is hard to remember exactly what I saw, but I remember the general theme of these visuals being overwhelmingly complex kaleidoscope patterns, moving incredibly fast and switching from colour to colour. This is where I can definitely make the distinction between shrooms and LSD; shroom visuals are much slower and stoner like, whereas LSD visuals move at a thousand miles an hour and adopt a form more similar to a kaleidoscope collage. Accompanying these visuals was an incredible headspace of awe, astonishment and disbelief.
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I had heard the rumours about LSD and I distinctly remember laying there, telling myself over and over “This is where the trip begins”, accompanied by a strong sense of peace and euphoria. My original come-up anxiety had been replaced by this general sense of euphoria and I remember feeling like a sailor about to set out on a long journey, ready to explore the world that had inspired the minds of rocks stars and geniuses the world over. As the drug became stronger and stronger, the feeling of disbelief became to overwhelm me. “Is THIS what they’ve been talking about all this time? THIS is LSD?” The feelings of ego disillusion and connectedness were so intense I could not believe they were real. What I had once believed were simply metaphors, old wives’ tales and hyperbolised stories of over-indulgent rock stars had become a reality<!-- ; LSD really WILL make you one with the universe, it really WILL show you the secrets of reality and it really WILL happen to YOU-->.
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The realisation that these feelings were real brought an incredible sense of peace, contentedness and joy. I remember standing up, headphones blaring and visuals flaring, and thinking to myself “I could die now. Nothing in the universe feels better than this”. This is where I draw up an interesting comparison into the effects of psychedelic euphoria compared to the euphoria other drugs such as amphetamines can provide. Although the euphoria of the latter does certainly feel good, and provides a uniquely pleasurable experience, I still maintain the LSD euphoria is the purest and most intense euphoria an individual can feel. There’s no worries about comedowns, or what I have to do tomorrow, or whether so-and-so texted me back. When you can feel the universe pulsating through your fingertips, and you feel as if you have uncovered the secret to life, I think it’s fair to say that no other feeling can even come close.
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After about an hour of this strong introspection into the universe and euphoric overload, something happened that would change the direction of the trip, and unfortunately not for the better. My phone ran out of charge. Seemingly insignificant, but in that moment, my music stopped, my train of thought completely derailed and I found myself completely confounded and confused. “Wait, WHAT is going on? What even is this? What even am I?” Extreme confusion set in, and I began to question whether what I was experiencing was even real. It was as if the sudden stopping of the music had dragged me out of the psychedelic bliss and placed me into an entirely alien world, void of any sense or meaning. I began to forget who I was, where I was, who any of my friends were, what reality itself even was. I began to panic and felt dread build up in me, and at times was sure I had simply stopped existing. I remember asking my friend if I was breathing properly, as by my estimation at least 30 seconds had passed since my last breath (although in reality it was more like 3 or 4). As this panic and confusion began to take over, I remember grabbing my friend by the leg to try and cling onto the reality I had once known but now had no understanding of. The being I considered me, with all its memories and loves, desire and hopes was completely gone, and there was nothing but a visual field. I was simply a human at an observer level, a set of eyes providing visual information to something, whatever, but it certainly wasn’t “me”. I began to wonder whether I had died, and looking back I suppose I did. That is, what I considered me, my ego, had died, and all that existed was a bundle of atoms walking around aimlessly.
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The feeling that I had died began to overrule me, and I started to beg my friend to call for an ambulance. I tried desperately to run out the front door, but my friend calmy and firmly told me I was not going out. He refused to call an ambulance and instead tried to comfort me, but to little avail. Such a strong dose of a drug for someone so inexperienced will rock anyone to their core, no matter who the trip sitter. I entered the kitchen and began to walk in circles, grabbing my hair and combing it back to try and feel some part of myself, to try and remind myself that I was in fact human. The open eye visuals were almost unbearably overwhelming at this point; my phone had reduced itself to a puddle of metallic liquid literally dripping out of my hand, and the clock face of the clock on the wall was constantly changing colours from green, to red, to blue, to purple, and everything in between. I begged my friend to make it stop, to just do something to make it stop. I pleaded with the drug itself, telling it that if it just released me, telling it that if it made me me again, I would never touch a drug again in my life, that I wouldn’t tell anyone what I had seen or experienced.
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My pleas went in vain, and after about 30 minutes of this my friend eventually dragged me upstairs away from my other tripping friends so as not to ruin their experience. Upon arriving upstairs, the most intense nausea I had ever experienced overwhelmed me, and I ran to the bathroom to vomit. I didn’t end up vomiting, but the entire experience of being in the bathroom, standing there and leaving seemed to repeat itself in my head for an eternity, as if the visual tracers I was seeing had latched themselves into my memories, and now my memories were tracing as well. I then experienced an extremely strange phenomenon, and one I haven’t read about before in other LSD experiences. I would go from extreme anxiety and stress to extreme euphoria within the space of a second, and then switch emotions again. And again. And again. For about 20 minutes, I was caught in a loop of feeling anxious, euphoric, anxious, euphoric, changing emotions every 2 to 3 seconds. My sense of time had completely disappeared alongside my ego, but even in my far out state I chuckled to myself at the absurdity of this phenomenon and had a brief moment of respite.
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From this point on, it is unfortunately hard for me to remember what happened in the rest of the trip. I do remember my anxiety fading somewhat, and gaining my composure enough to help my friend put a pizza in the oven (quite the trip activity, might I add). At this point, I had been tripping for about 5 hours, and the peak was fading into a slightly more manageable glow, although I was still profoundly dissociated from my surroundings and still unsure whether I would ever be human again. I also remember looking at the stars outside and seeing the clusters transform themselves into a panther, or a tiger of some sorts, darting across the night sky. At some point, I put myself to bed and put on some music to calm myself and awoke the next morning to find myself pretty much fully back to me. I felt relieved to be alive, although had a peculiar feeling of reality for the next few days, as could be expected from someone who had gone through my experience.
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What I cannot express adequately in writing, or indeed through any medium is the ineffable quality of the trip. The feeling of non-existence, the unbelievable visuals, the feeling of having broken through to some alternate reality are all feelings which are beyond the scope of the capability of language. I also wish to add that I know that the time frames for this experience do not really add up as I described, but as I had no sense of time during the experience, I have tried my best to put somewhat of a time frame onto it, so forgive me if this is confusing. <!-- For anyone who has never done LSD, I would strongly recommend doing a much lower dose, closer to 75 micrograms for a first time. -->Although I do not regret this trip experience, I know without any doubt that, if not for my friend, I would have ended up in hospital at the very least, and perhaps injured or permanently scarred in some way. LSD is an amazing drug, but always ensure you use a sensible dose with the right people, in the right environment.<!-- If you get all of this right, you can relax, close your eyes and shut off, safe in the knowledge you’re safe and about to experience a real-life changing experience. For me, anyway, it was. Until then, happy tripping :) --><!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2017</td><td width="90">ExpID: 115138</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 18</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Feb 27, 2021</td><td>Views: 1,473</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=115138&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=115138&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Guides / Sitters (39), Music Discussion (22), Glowing Experiences (4), Difficult Experiences (5), First Times (2)</td></tr>
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<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">135 lb</td>
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When I was nineteen, I was blessed with a wonderful mystical vision: I experienced the light of God. That is, I experienced what Tibetan Buddhists call Osel (or “Primordial Clear Light”), and Hindu yogis describe as Sahasradala Padma (“Thousand-Petal Lotus of Light”). Chinese Taoists call it Ming (“Transcendent Luminosity”). Sioux Indians name it Wakan Tonka (“Great Spirit”). Muslims refer to it as Noor (“Divine Resplendence”). It is also Kavod (“Eternal Flame”) that shines at the altar of Judaism; the same radiance of which Jesus said, “If your eye is single, your whole body will be filled with light.”
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The word light is not used here as a figure of speech (symbolizing a brighter, sunnier, higher aspect of ourselves and the cosmos). All these names and images refer to actual light: self-luminous, all-pervading energy. It is the living force—radiant consciousness—ablaze with bliss. Communion with this holy light, absorption in it is unspeakably pleasurable. Yet in my case, the event of drowning in the ocean of brightness left a great disturbance in its wake that took decades to resolve <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">in my case, the event of drowning in the ocean of brightness left a great disturbance in its wake that took decades to resolve</div></div>.
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Let me tell you my story.
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In 1972 I was a sophomore at Boston University, a teen-age son of 20th-century America, who listened to Led Zeppelin cranked up loud enough to vibrate my teeth. I was not exactly preparing body and mind for a direct encounter with the divine. My Jewish religious training had consisted of attending Sabbath services and Sunday school as a boy, which felt like sitting for several hours a week in front of an unplugged radio. Until the age of about nine, I had believed in and prayed to the Judeo-Christian Deity, but by the time I was ten or so, I began to aggressively disbelieve in an anthropomorphic Father-God. Natural science and science fiction became far more inspiring, meaningful and beautiful to me than conventional religious dogma. At age eleven, I had quit attending the synagogue.
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Even so, there was a mystical streak in me that I had noticed from my earliest memories. It showed itself as a keenly felt sense of the mystery of the natural world and human life. This feeling of wonder or awe would sometimes rise in me as a bodily thrill until I had to laugh or shout.
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As a college freshman I took a world religions course because I intuited something fundamental to the religious urge in people, something prior to arguing over the different notions of God, something primitive, below the abstract verbal mind that has created all the historical schisms of exoteric beliefs. I wanted to find this most basic truth at the root of all faiths. I longed to be like a lover—a naked beginner in the embrace of Living Nature. I personally wanted to know “It”—the real God—for I somehow understood “It” to be the depth and ground of my own heart. Thus, I sought contact with my deepest heart, from which I was seemingly in exile.
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The next year, as a sophomore, I took an excellent class on Eastern philosophy. We read the Heart Sutra of Buddha and essays on Zen by D.T. Suzuki; Psychotherapy East and West, by Alan Watts and Modern Man in Search of a Soul, by Carl Jung; the principal Upanishads and the Bhagavad Gita of the Hindus; the Tao Teh Ching of Lao Tzu; the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali. I began to have grand insights into my own condition, though I understood only a fraction of what I read.
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Then some classmates invited me to their apartment for a dinner discussion of the profound teachings we were studying. Steve had been a Theravada Buddhist monk in Thailand for two years, meditating seventeen hours a day; John was an avid student of yoga and Vedanta; and Sean had deserted the French Army and walked through India for three years, meeting holy persons. In contrast, I had neither meditated, nor done yoga, nor spent time in the company of anyone who was especially wise and free.
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After dinner, riding the crest of the moment, everyone but Sean took orange sunshine LSD together. It was my sixth psychedelic trip. We took turns reading aloud from the Old Testament’s Genesis and from Be Here Now, a primer on Hindu mysticism. After a while, Steve read to us from The Psychedelic Experience, a “trip manual” by Timothy Leary and Ralph Metzner, based on the Tibetan Book of the Great Liberation (also called Tibetan Book of the Dead).
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Early on in the six-hour LSD high, I began to feel the same deep awe that I’d enjoyed as a boy, only stronger now than ever. The emotion seemed to expand and fill body, mind and room as a tangible presence: a sphere of invincible energy and happiness. I was sitting on a ratty carpet on the living room floor of a cheap apartment in Cambridge, immersed in a force field of great joy. I looked at Steve with drunken love and said, “The Holy Spirit is upon us.”
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But I began to notice an apparent limit to the spirit, like a knot or cramp within the otherwise boundless force and presence. It gradually became obvious that the knot was “me”—or everything I held onto as “myself”. I saw that the whole melodrama of “me” (as a separated or independent and limited identity) was based on this unconscious habit of withholding (contracting, recoiling from whole and infinite being). “Me” was only a construct, not ultimately real (not a real entity or identity), but merely an act (like a fictional stage character) within Free and Total Being. And mistakenly (ridiculously!), the sense of identity had been bound to this mere role, this temporary personality, this psycho-physical ego (as if Life and Consciousness were an isolated self that is born to change and die). Such phony (separate) identity was the cause of all fear—the refusal to love and shine completely; the resistance to change and death, and thus, to all of life and relationship.
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Within Consciousness, the dream of “me” was suddenly released. In that instant, came the deep heart of understanding: The totality of conscious being is the real and living “Person”, the all-inclusive Identity of everyone and everything. As the sages have put it, “There is only God.”
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I fell onto my back in tears with the overwhelming relief of this realization of transcendental (unlimited) life. I surrendered utterly to my felt-intuition of the Great One. Rapidly, a marvelous change occurred. Layers of subtler self-holding fell away and I melted into the heart of God. I did not just watch this self-transcendence occur, as if from the bleachers. Ego-“I” dissolved in the all-effacing light of Existence-Consciousness-Bliss.
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To the extent the experience can be described, it was something like this: In the first few seconds of self-surrender, a glorious golden light filled mind and body and all of space. Mind (or attention) was captured by the light and drawn inward and upward toward an infinite locus above. Outer awareness disappeared as attention, body and world were resolved into the unity of the light-source—like an iris blossom refolding and returning to its bud. Just at the brink of ego-death there was an instant of fear, but I knew there was no turning back, no stopping this expansion beyond all limit. And I knew that whatever this sacrifice led to, it simply was Reality.
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Therefore, I silently prayed, “Have mercy on me,” and in the next instant the light became so supremely attractive it absorbed the fear along with everything else into its dazzling singularity. As the last bit of self-hold evaporated, the golden light increased to “white,” or rather, it became perfectly clear, pure, unqualified, original. There was no more expansion, no more ascent; indeed there was no more “up” or “down,” “in” or “out,” but all of existence was radically equal and whole—the same absolutely bright fullness (or emptiness).
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I was conscious as limitless radiant being, identical with the Self or Source of the universe. I don’t know how long I remained consumed in that domain of ecstasy, but it was utterly familiar, not new or shocking. It was Home, eternally. That Which IS (or the One I AM).
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Of course, I came down. With a splat!
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Crashed, as they say; and back again from the ego-centered point of view of a white, middle-class American kid who had grasped only a fraction of what he had read from the Oriental mystics, the experience of the light was not only incomprehensible, it was terrifying. By the following afternoon, I felt so upset, I was pale and shaky. After all, what was so attractive about the dissolution of ego, the death of “me”? <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I felt so upset, I was pale and shaky. After all, what was so attractive about the dissolution of ego, the death of “me”?</div></div> I had developed a painful case of psychic indigestion.
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At first I tried to resist the revelation of the light, the divine intrusion on my independent, private life. I wanted to say, “Go away, I’m not ready for this. I just want to be me. I want to stay me.”
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Lost and scared, I compulsively tried to secure the threatened ego, reinforce its boundaries and make it solid, immune to change. It didn’t work. There is no way to go on as an isolated self once you’ve tumbled into the heart of infinite life, even if only for a timeless instant. (As the Muslim poet Kabir said, “I saw that for thirty seconds, and it has made me a devotee all my life.”)
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WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS, READ THE DIRECTIONS.
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I did.
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I began to study the teachings of the Eastern and Western mystics in earnest. (It is noteworthy that all of them warn not to delve into mystical experience without proper preparation and a guide who knows the territory.)
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It took time, more than a decade, but gradually my anxiety and confusion waned and was replaced by a growing understanding. Along the way I discovered scores of historical sources in which ego-loss in the radiant, transcendental being is described. Classical yoga provides a Sanskrit term for the experience: nirvikalpa samadhi. Many teachers quickened my awakening; not the least among them my wife and our two sons.
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This does not mean I fitted the revelation of the divine to my everyday life—like pocketing a shiny new coin and then continuing on my private way. No. The divine is senior to self and world and will not be owned. Therefore, I did the reverse: I submitted my life to the divine; I became a devotee of God. Not the Almighty Absent Parent who never speaks through the dead radio, but the same wonderful, living Source and starry Process that a naturalist can love with awe.
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Also, I began to meditate. I practiced a simple technique of focusing on the in and out of my breath while sitting quietly. After fifteen years of this simple practice, I experienced a “return” to the light. While deeply in tune with the breath, my attention spontaneously became focused in the mid-brain, between and behind the eyes. Thus my “eye” became “single.” My whole body was filled with light, as Jesus promised. I sat in a swoon and received the golden light into all my parts. At the time, I wrote an essay proclaiming: “Holy light is not a metaphor. Dazzlingly alive is the eternal spirit.”
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But I was still afraid.
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I was afraid of madness—the utter sacrifice of self and all limit. No knowing. No controlling. No “me.” I was afraid of drowning in infinity.
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Six years later, in February 1993, a turning point arrived. I stood on my balcony in a contemplative mood, feeling into life, and I recalled a line a friend had told me years before about “meeting God halfway.” That notion now seemed absurd, as I saw that God Is Here, already all the way present. Nothing is hidden or withheld. I said aloud a motto that summed this up: “The gift is always given.” It was a beautiful, religious sense of being lived and loved and breathed by God.
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Suddenly, a tremendous Force pressed down from above my head, through my brain and nervous system, with such mighty light and bliss that I fell to my knees and was pinned, overwhelmed bodily by the tangible brightness, as one might be overwhelmed by a terribly powerful orgasm. I gasped and sobbed from the potency of the joy. The God-pleasure—the saturating fullness and Touch of the light—became so intense I felt my bones might crack.
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When I stood up, I had changed physically.
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And my meditations changed. For several years, I’d been aware of powerful, “electrical” surges in my nervous system during meditation. I had focused on the breath and ignored these stirrings of the kundalini. But now my meditation sessions became sheer energy work-outs. Even so simple a practice as following the breath now felt like contrived self-effort. My method of meditation had been rendered obsolete. Instead, I would sit and the kundalini would flame through my head and eyes and spine and toss me around like a mad dancer. I laughed and cried. I growled. I shouted. I made spontaneous chant-like intonations. I saw archetypal visions.
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It was painful and blissful—indescribable. I was suffering, but unable to budge a finger; afraid, but unable to make a single response. I was being meditated.
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I became constantly aware of the tension around my heart, the tension of “me”—of holding on to myself. The presence of spirit had become a great current and my misery was my resistance to it. But I was reluctant to sacrifice “my life” completely.
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Eight months later, in October 1993, I had grown so exhausted with the effort of preventing my own death, that I lay down on my bed and said, Okay, I give up. Take me insanity, or take me God, or take me whatever you are, mighty river. Sweep me to my destiny.
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Abruptly, I began to lose “face.” Panic came on strong. I cramped up in a ball like a fetus. I became an electric buzzing cloud and then everything dissolved and I entered the light and bliss and freedom of ego-death; beyond the golden light into the clear light of void. No self. No thing. No bounds. The rapture only lasted a few seconds, but it was enough to see that all was okay. I had allowed death to occur, and it was not annihilation. It was only the loss of an imaginary limit—a phony identity.
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<br>
The next day, I spontaneously entered nirvikalpa samadhi again, while soaking in the bathtub. The episode lasted several minutes and was completely free of fear from the beginning. The bright pleasure simply increased until the separate “I”-sense was overwhelmed in light.
<br>
<br>
From October on, each time I sat to meditate, I entered the shining void (at times remaining in samadhi for an hour or more). It is like entering deep sleep while remaining wide awake. It is luminous clarity: dreamless awakeness—pure consciousness without content other than its own uncreated bliss.
<br>
<br>
After a couple months of this, I dreamed one dawn in January 1994 that I was on a stage before an audience. A coffin was displayed on a stand and I was lying in it, facedown and naked. An emcee was on stage, and it was clear that I was to perform a Houdini-like escape act: I was supposed to free myself and emerge from the coffin.
<br>
<br>
I began to chuckle. What was the big deal? I was already free. The coffin lid was open, and I had no chains or shackles on me in the first place. I simply stood up.
<br>
<br>
Next, I was holding beautiful blue pearls in my hand, and the emcee told me to string them together as fast as I could. I started slipping the blue pearls onto a string, as a timer with TV-game show music ticked in the background. The emcee shouted, “Hurry, get as many beads on the string as you can!” For a few seconds I rapidly strung pearls, but then I stopped and looked across at the emcee. Why do I need to do this? I thought. This is your game, not mine. I gazed at the audience and all eyes were upon me. I smiled at the people as I stepped off the stage and began handing out the blue pearls, one to each person.
<br>
<br>
Then I woke up. It was a sunny winter morning in Tallahassee, Florida. I went downstairs and sat to meditate . . . and . . .
<br>
<br>
There was nowhere to go.
<br>
<br>
I strolled outdoors into the woods around my home. I saw no dilemma at all, within or without. No thing to seek. No experience to shed. No limit. I was not a something that could travel to someplace. I could not go deeper or higher through any means.
<br>
<br>
I burst out laughing from down in my belly. THIS IS IT. What a punch line! I thought the moment of satori would never end. But by the afternoon, when I went to pick up my sons from elementary school, I realized that satori, too, is only a state. It comes and goes. Nothing lasts.
<br>
<br>
And guess what? I don’t care in the least. I am not dismayed when ego appears, or when it disappears. I am no longer at war with ego or void. They are twin aspects of consciousness itself. I don’t take sides at all.
<br>
<br>
Reality is not samadhi, the extinguishing of all forms. Reality is not even satori, the natural mode of egolessness. Reality is no special state at all; no special condition. Reality is the IS of all possible states, their origin and unqualified basis, perfectly open and unbounded; pure capacity. Fundamentally, nothing has changed or ever will, and what I’ve come to understand was already only so: Just this.
<br>
<br>
From a certain perspective it can seem a big deal: I’ve grokked my own essence, and it is reality (or Buddha-nature). Or, as the Persian poet, Omar Khayam, put it: “I am myself, Heaven and Hell.”
<br>
<br>
But on the other hand, Buddha-nature and a buck will buy me a buck’s worth of groceries. No big deal. No special status. Nothing special at all.
<br>
<br>
These days, I sometimes meditate for pleasure and refreshment, like drinking a delicious tea. And I occasionally enter spontaneous mystic states during meditation. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I occasionally enter spontaneous mystic states during meditation.</div></div> Even so, not any of it is necessary; and none of it is greater than simple happiness. Samadhi or no samadhi, satori or no satori, ego or no ego—there is no limit, already. No dilemma.
<br>
<br>
Nothing is more than wonderful. This moment is wonderful. Nothing is more than whole. This moment is complete. THIS is as God as it gets.
<br>
<br>
Truth (or joy) is not exclusive, not hidden, not vague or abstract, not elsewhere, not different than the stream of life. Birth and change and death are aspects of a single process, the only event: the activity of (or within) Reality. Nothing exists but Bright Mystery, which forever flows as all the possibilities of life in all the worlds. As Lao Tzu put it: “The Way that can be deviated from is not the Great Way.”
<br>
<br>
It is not that I am now at every moment floating along in a mood of blissful clarity, or that my neuroses have utterly evaporated. “After enlightenment,” I still at times feel frustrated, angry, and so forth. I also feel saddened by the intense sufferings of our human world family. But I do not resist any of it. Whether pleasure or pain is arising, I understand the empty and inherently free nature of the stream of endless changes, and I see there is no escape, nowhere else to go. I can only be whole (without alternative), abiding as the Heart.
<br>
<br>
It took twenty-two years of spiritual searching from the moment I first encountered the “clear light mind” to finally accept the wholeness that I am, the same totality that is true of everyone.
<br>
<br>
Friend, hear what I say: The Divine you seek is your own identity, before all ego-dilemma. Therefore, be already at ease. Relax into your own life-process. Trust in happiness, luminous and clear. Reality is Wholly Spirit, the Light that, while transcending every personality, also shines as all our life stories. In the midst of experience we are fundamentally free, beyond words and beyond worlds.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 1972</td><td width="90">ExpID: 115273</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 19</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Apr 14, 2021</td><td>Views: 1,536</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=115273&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=115273&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">Meditation (128), LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Post Trip Problems (8), Mystical Experiences (9), Retrospective / Summary (11)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
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<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 4:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">vaporized</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(extract)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
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<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">170 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
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<!-- Start Body -->
I am writing this because this is the first experience with drugs that I have felt has truly permanently changed me, and I believe that my brain and spirit have been pushed to the absolute edge of what I can experience and process. This experience made me lose my mind and enter a world of torment unlike my wildest imaginations. I have read many bad trip reports, ones that blew my mind with how awful they sounded, not one of them prepared me for this. Nothing could. This felt like CIA mind control torture, this felt like a rite of passage to become a warrior. This was unreal and I need to share what it was.
<br>
<br>
We dropped acid at a bar and I had a decent come up. We drove home, tripped balls, smoked a joint. It was fine. <span class="erowid-caution">[Erowid Note:
Driving while intoxicated, tripping, or extremely sleep deprived is dangerous and irresponsible because it endangers other people. <a href="/chemicals/show_image.php?i=dmt/dmt_contraindications1.gif">Don't do it!</a>]</span> The only time I was that uncomfortable was when there was this baby around crying. As you can imagine that freaked me out, but I was fine. I was coming down, I had dropped at 2:08 and it was 630 or so now, and one of my friends gets out a dab rig.
<br>
<br>
I made the mistake of taking a huge ass rip. I remember coughing so much I almost threw up, collapsing to the floor, and taking my shirt off. My friend was looking at me hysterically, "I need to get how he's feeling" my other friend said "are we just gonna get fucked up tonight? I think that's what we're doing". I just said "no man, you don't want to feel like this". I then lost consciousness.
<br>
<br>
What happened next will always be impossible to describe. I was in a dark dense singularity, with no memory of anything. Time was not real here, it was eternity. There was no time. This first entrance into this realm was likely my soul's opportunity to determine whether this realm was nirvana or its inverse. My soul decided that it was its inverse, as panic, endless and eternal fear and dread, gripped me tight. My thoughts were incredibly brief and scattered here, but among them were confused, momentary considerations of how long I had been here, was this eternity, was I a soul damned to endless torment, and the main thought that predominates was simply "this isn't right. This isn't normal". I felt like this should only have been temporary, and that this should have ended by now. However this is an odd thing, because I did not know what normal was. My ego was struggling to resist its dissolution, but this had already happened, and the result was this panic. I knew at one point I thought that this was just how some energies exist, as pure pain, and that I was one with this energy, and my purpose in this psychic whirlwind was to experience this pain eternally, as my fate, the concept of hell made sense, but I can't remember if the idea of hell came to mind. I think I developed that perception of it afterwards. While it was happening, I was tormented, I was one with the universal energy of chaos.
<br>
<br>
The sounds I heard were odd and scattered, distant screaming, running footsteps sprinting, shouting and it all seemed to travel inward on itself, like a black hole. occasionally human speech I could barely make out saying things like are you okay man"? I knew these were what I needed to return to, but I had no idea what they were or why I needed to be drawn to them. Time shattered and bits of it landed everywhere, and the visions I saw were reflections my mind saw on the pieces I had lost.
<br>
<br>
The sights I saw were mainly restricted to visions of constant crushing, pulsing and imploding nothingness. I could hear it's negativity, and it was all I had ever known. I knew I could not escape this torment, but the more visions of worldly things flashed in and out of my mind, the more I understood I had something to return to. I did not know what. I would see my two friends sitting there randomly. It seems this vision would flash into my view without meaning or context several times over the course of this ego death. Was I one of them? Were they there to help me?
<br>
<br>
These visions should have helped me but it took a long time. They just fucking terrified me, I did not know if I was one of them, if they knew me, or even what they were. It seemed like them sitting there was the first thing I had ever laid eyes on. It was truly bizarre to see my two friends in this disturbed context.
<br>
<br>
Eventually my vision began to show me myself in this room, crying, unable to control myself. Somewhere along the line I muttered something to my friends along the lines of "guys, I dont know where I've been, heaven or hell, but I have experienced hell tonight". They obviously were tripping and had no fucking clue what to do, this was the worst trip either of them have ever seen. At one point when I was trying to break through I found that I couldn't even count properly. I would just find myself in this void, desperate, repeating the same number over and over because I could not tell if I had already said it. My friend began counting properly, and it amazed me. I had no idea who it was that was speaking, but it sounded like the voice of God giving the concept of time to an unevolved primate for the very first time. It was incredible.
<br>
<br>
Shortly after I broke back through, I was basically acting like an infant that had just breached the womb. I was exactly that, I had returned to my conscious mind and body after an eternity of hell. I remember seeing myself wondering "who is this guy? He fucked up with some drugs, huh." I screamed at my friends about how far I could fucking push it, about how humiliated I was, how embarrassed I was, how I was in hell and they didn't get it. I barely remember this, but I was acting out of my mind. I was. I was insane. My friend's mom gave me milk to calm me down (funny as hell) and it did kind of help. She was so nice to me, I am extremely grateful for her.
<br>
<br>
The following hour or so after my consciousness was restored were awful, I was an inconsolable wreck of a person who just cried and rambled about how miserable and terrible it was. My brain was fixated on it.
<br>
<br>
Eventually my girlfriend came to pick me up and take me home. I had apparently suffered a seizure-like fit, fallen and hit my head, and in this process destroyed my friends sliding closet door, made of glass. I had felt terrible about what happened, but the immediacy of my trauma made it impossible to gain composure, and I was just a miserable annoying wreck until I got picked up. The next day I came over and we had a long talk as I helped clean up and replace the door. His evaluation was that I might be slightly schizo. I have no idea, but based on his evaluation and my fit, I have to assume that there is something about my brain at this point in my life that was truly unable to cope with this.
<br>
<br>
The following two days I lived in fear and emotional instability, unable to grasp the nature of this experience, swearing myself to sobriety. I had wanted so desperately to be free from that place that I vowed never to go there again. As I write this, I find myself regretting that dab so much. I want to enjoy acid again. For the sake of those who love me and my own health, I have to be sober now. That was too much. It scarred and debilitated me.
<br>
<br>
It was the limit of what my brain is capable of doing and experiencing, sensory wise. I witnessed the breaking down of all the processes my brain uses to form this reality, literally all of them. Sight, sound, reasoning, touch, all fell away and into each other, all stimulus was rushed into my brain and crushed into itself like an endless dense void. I need my brain to work normally for a while, I need my senses to be aligned.
<br>
<br>
2 weeks later I was feeling a little bit more stable, and decided to get super high on sunday (I know, the whole sobriety thing didnt last long). The first joint in the afternoon felt incredible, but the second one before bed awakened probably the only acid "flashback" I've ever had, but really it was more of a PTSD flashback - I was still lucid but suddenly a terrifying wave of dissociative horror and overwhelming tingling and burning sensations gripped my body and mind. I was with my girlfriend and it scared the shit out of her, I was shaking and writhing in bed constantly repeating "I need to stay grounded" and "oh fuck this is bad".
<br>
<br>
This experience ruined me possibly just as bad as the original trip, as I still have trouble sleeping alone, the floating feeling and the resulting anxiety I get made it very difficult to cede my consciousness to sleep.
<br>
<br>
About a month after that experience as I write this, I am still sober. I still like acid, I still feel like I need it to show me the unexplored parts of me, but I know my sanity has its limits and I am very afraid to test them. I have a newfound appreciation for the work my brain does to construct the vast illusion of consciousness for me every moment <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I have a newfound appreciation for the work my brain does to construct the vast illusion of consciousness for me every moment</div></div>, and I am very wary to upset this with psychedelics in the future.
<br>
<br>
If I ever drop acid again I am going to do it pure, and I'm going to do it with people I know, in a place I'm familiar with. If I ever have the courage to do it again. I know it is self absorbed to think this but I seriously doubt any trip could be any more terrifying than that, more debilitating. Very few other trip reports I have seen adequately describe this experience, but those I have read, are pretty accurate. It came without warning, plunged me into hell for eternity, and shoved my broken spirit directly back into my physical brain with no time for adjustment. I could actually hear and see physical fragmentation and snapping, like shards of broken glass, only made of my memories being formed. It was a violent and confusing mess.
<br>
<br>
I know how people can have divine rebirth. That is what happened to me. The divinity I experienced was not enlightenment or nirvana, but its opposite. That is powerful knowledge, to be that closely acquainted with infinite suffering. It acquainted me with the true nature of sensory processing, and the fact that every moment of sensory input can be a moment of infinite terror, depending on how our minds process it.
<br>
<br>
Does energy have consciousness? Is the terror that I experienced the terror that energy experiences for eternity before randomly being assimilated into a being or creature powerful enough to process it? Or is energy unconscious, dead, and what I experienced was the ultimate innocence, pure energy, being given consciousness for no other reason than to be plunged into a brain incapable of doing anything to it other than torment it.
<br>
<br>
The one major regret is that this experience, as a trip, was almost totally devoid of psychedelic imagery. Very few visuals stand out in my memory. The only other times I have done this much acid, the visuals were going crazy.
<br>
<br>
All in all, I guess I got what I asked for, which was to be high as fuck. I dont know if I ever want to get high again.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2021</td><td width="90">ExpID: 115364</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 22</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Apr 22, 2021</td><td>Views: 1,330</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=115364&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=115364&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Cannabis (1) : Bad Trips (6), Post Trip Problems (8), Combinations (3), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> repeated</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 10:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> repeated</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
This is a vivid account of my first experience with LSD.
<br>
<br>
A little background information to set the mood. I am an anonymous twenty-year old female from Mississippi. The small town I live in is considered a metropolis, but in retrospect of other states it is still very much a small town. Not much to do, not much to see. One night recently, a trusted friend and dealer of mine offered to sell some acid he'd recently bought from New Orleans. LSD is something that I always knew I wanted to try; I had only heard wonderful things about it, but naturally, I had my doubts. I consider myself a chronic smoker of cannabis, every day usually when I can get it and multiple times a day. But I had not gone farther. The friends that I had along for the trip were my best girl friend, A, her boyfriend who we'll refer to as L, and his best friend C. All three of them had experimented with Molly and shrooms, to which they did nothing but rave about. It was a big step - one I had to seriously consider. But I figured it was a summer's night and I am only going to be this young for so long.
<br>
<br>
We needed a place. All of us were home from college, staying in our parents' houses respectively. I came up with the solid idea that we should rent a cheap hotel room - nothing fancy, just a room. It was ingenious, and it was settled. The next night, we would bunker down in a $50 per night, double bedded room and have a night I will remember for the rest of my days.
<br>
<br>
To prepare for such a night, we made a trip to Wal-mart, where we stocked up on activities. None of us were really sure how we would feel or react, so we wanted options. We loaded our buggy with crayons, coloring books, light up toys, and various snacks and beverages. I also bought a journal, with the intent to document this experience hour-by-hour. Then, after purchasing our drug of choice, we arrived at the hotel around 10:00 PM.
<br>
<br>
Before dropping, we had all taken about three flows of bud in the car, so we were already quite high.
<br>
<br>
The initial drop (around 10:30) - Room 217. After unloading all of our belongings and getting settled in, we immediately wanted to take the acid. None of us were sure how long it would last into the next day, so we figured the sooner the better. Gathered around in a circle on the beds, A passed out the tiny, yellow blocks of paper to each of us. Each paper contained 2 hits of LSD. Me and A were encouraged to take only 1 hit for our first time, because we were females. But both of us decided that if this was going to happen, it was going to happen epically. None of us spoke for a few seconds. I remember saying a silent prayer to whoever is up there just before - 'Please let me come out of this alright.'
<br>
<br>
The instant I put the paper under my tongue, I felt it releasing. The taste was terrible. A mixture of something that belonged under a car hood and a cleaning product you find under a kitchen sink. I felt it running into the back of my mouth and down my throat. Disgusting, but a taste I could bear. We were all silent for a few minutes, looking around to see what everyone else was feeling. After about ten minutes, all except L decided that it was okay to take the paper out. Our dealer told us that when we started tasting just the paper we were in the clear.
<br>
<br>
I didn't initially feel anything special. A and L, who still was sucking on the paper, went outside to retrieve something forgotten out of the car. I put on some tunes - I brought my iPod cube along that changed colors - and began to dance. C joined me. When they came back in, L began to feel sick. He retreated to the bathroom, and began to vomit. Everyone was a little worried; we thought that if he was puking, he was puking up all of his acid. There was nothing worse than the prospect of having a sober guy in the room while the rest of us were tripping heavily. Luckily, the nausea passed. For about twenty minutes, I felt very little effects. I was already stoned coming into it, so it just felt like I had smoked some really premium weed. But there was this internal happiness that I couldn't explain, like I knew I was about to have a fantastic night.
<br>
<br>
11:00- Me and C continued to move about the room, chatting and laughing about whatever. L and A had moved to the bed, lying down and staring at the ceiling. A calls me over - 'You should look at the ceiling.' I glanced up quickly, not really seeing much of anything. But I decided to give it a try. I laid down, C beside me. It was like a switch had instantly been flicked on. The ceiling was no longer just above us, lifeless and off white. It was breathing. The longer I stared, the more it moved around, in swirls and melted patterns. We were all amazed, constantly asking each other if we were all seeing the same thing. We were. Vomiting, as it turns out, had not affected L's means to trip at all. It had already been released in his system.
<br>
<br>
I thought this was all really cool, but I had yet to experience the realm of what it really means to hallucinate.
<br>
<br>
11:30 - The walls, made out of the same stucco paint as the ceiling, were now transforming. The patterns of the gathered paint were now turning into little soldiers. The whole wall looked like an army of tiny men in uniform. Somehow, we all found our way to the floor. Sitting in a circle, Indian style, we began to observe each other. I started with L. We looked into each other's eyes, both bearing the same wide-eyed expression. L's eyes were literally black, pupils completely dilated. This gave him the appearance of being soulless. I didn't like it at all. Also, and I remember this vividly, he began to go in and out of age. When I say this, I mean his hair went from being brown and his skin smooth, to being gray and wrinkly simultaneously. I didn't express this to him. We were both too shocked to speak. C expressed that we should put on some dubstep music, Skrillex to be more specific. Immediately, this became known as something none of us wanted. The beat was too heavy, the bass line too dark. It was eating away at me, and after a few seconds we begged him to turn it off. Looking down at my skin, I realized that I was changing colors. I remained somewhat tan, but the veins of my arms and legs were pulsating wildly. Faces and bodies were not at all okay to look at, at this point.
<br>
<br>
I began to focus on the walls. It brought me to tears. My mind knew that this wasn't actually happening - but was it? I was seeing it here, with my own two eyes. It may not have been reality, but whatever it was, I found it extremely breathtaking and beautiful. In fact, the whole damn room looked beautiful. This shitty, one star motel had transformed into a world of beauty. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">This shitty, one star motel had transformed into a world of beauty.</div></div>
<br>
<br>
It was then that I noticed a magazine we bought earlier in the evening - Elle Magazine, with Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake bearing the cover. The more I stared, the more I realized that they were staring back at me. It was not just a photograph anymore; these two people were really in the room with me. I could see wind whipping through Mila's hair, Justin bit his bottom lip. It was as if they were asking me to join them in their own little world inside this paper. An example of what I was seeing can be the way photographs are seen in Harry Potter - moving, living images. Suddenly, both of their eyes looked really dark and hypnotizing. It began to substantially scare me. I tossed the magazine across the room, face down.
<br>
<br>
12:30 PM - I don't remember who's idea it was to turn the lights off, but somehow the room went dark, all except the glowing, color changing iPod dock cube. L and A found themselves in their bed, curled into each other and squirming about. I looked over at them, instantly drawn to the potential touch of another human being. A called me over. I laid with them for a few minutes, and then things took a turn from friendly to sensual. Within minutes, we were all naked. I realized that C was not around. I called for him, and discovered that he had been in the bathroom by himself for an awfully long time. He came out, and looked completely bewildered. Apparently, he had been staring at himself in the mirror, something that I knew would not be advised at this level of brain activity. He looked extremely freaked out. But soon, he joined us in the bed for our cuddling session.
<br>
<br>
I have never been with another girl. I consider myself an advocate for gay and lesbian rights, but I myself am attracted to men and men only. But suddenly, I didn't care who I was touching. None of us did. Everything felt right. And I was completely engrossed in how turned on I had become. L and A continued on their pursuit for an orgasm, and began to hook up. I moved to the other bed with C. We hadn't done anything sexually, all he did was touch me, and I found myself yelling, 'We need a condom!' He had to constantly remind me that we were not having sex, but damn it, whatever was happening to me felt fucking incredible. I don't remember how many times I came, but it felt like a constant orgasm. Soon, we were all naked.
<br>
<br>
1:00 AM - C had seriously begun to freak out on me. He later told me that every time I looked at him, all he saw was a demon-like character looking back at him. He declined sex, which normally would have injured my feelings a tad bit. But where I was psychologically, I was fine with it. I reassured him it was okay, and he didn't have to do anything he didn't want to. I also found myself back in bed with L and A.
<br>
<br>
This was easily the most extreme, intense part of my trip.
<br>
<br>
I kept exclaiming for the air to be turned up, as I felt like at any moment I was going to burst into flames. But my skin was ice cold. I could no longer tell the difference between hot and cold.
<br>
<br>
Time also lost all meaning. A song that was playing felt like it was playing for seriously half an hour, and it had only been three minutes. Technology also lost all recognition. C's open laptop screen was swirling, unable to be comprehended. I tried to focus on what the song was called, but found that the letters and numbers were all jumbled.
<br>
<br>
Laying in the dark, in a sweaty bed, with the room glowing and changing colors rapidly to pounding music, I began to lose myself. I can't count the number of times I found myself shouting - 'I'm losing it!' Reality was gone. I tried my hardest to remember how I'd found myself in the room. But it felt like I had been there for months, not hours. I remember yelling, 'How long are we going to be here! What if we're stuck here forever!' I had to constantly bring myself back to prevent from seriously having an anxiety attack.
<br>
<br>
2:30 AM - The instant we turned back on the lights, the mood lightened. I learned that my perception of reality and what I was feeling was solely sensory. My mood altered with every song that came on, and it seemed like we were all changing together. Me and A remained nude, while the boys put on some pants. This was the first time for me to go into the bathroom and peer into the mirror.
<br>
<br>
First off, observing my naked body, I realized that I had no qualms with being naked. I am neither fat nor skinny, average is the best description. But I felt beautiful that night, like I never had to put on clothes again. But as I looked into my face, I realized what C had been talking about. The mirror was a scary place. My face was changing constantly, not at all appearing like my own. It felt like I was looking at someone who looked exactly like me, but it was a different person. A scary person, who I wanted nothing to do with. From then on out, I decided to leave the mirror alone for the night.
<br>
<br>
Around 3:00 AM - C remembered that he brought his acoustic guitar, and let L play it. Suddenly, me and A remember all of our activities that we brought. I busted out the Play-Doh, she grabbed the coloring book and crayons. The Play-Doh was so complex at that time. Every time I squished my hands into it, it transformed into some kind of new face. It was freaking me out. I gave the Play-Doh a rest. A now began lighting the tips of crayons on fire and letting the wax drip onto the paper. Suddenly, she was asking, 'Can I draw on your guitar?' I of course expected C to say no. It looked like a pretty nice brand of instrument. But to our surprise, he was completely down. She melted crayon wax all over its front, and I drew on it with Crayola markers. I wrote things like, 'Bold as love' and 'Words mean nothing'. I drew a little bird that I remember thinking was so good, but the next day looking at it, it looked like a giant blob with a beak. C loved every bit of it though, claiming he felt like 'Jimi Hendrix with a guitar like that'. We sat around like this for hours, in a dream like state, singing and harmonizing and laughing and tripping out of our minds.
<br>
<br>
5:30 AM - One of the main things we wanted to do was watch the sunrise. But the prospect that anything was outside the door of that motel room was too hard to grasp. C was the first to walk outside. I remember calling for him, scared. He didn't bring a cell phone, and we were not in a good part of town. Tripping up and down the sidewalks alone didn't seem like a good idea at all. 'What if he never comes back?' I asked.
<br>
<br>
But at this point, some filthy, raunchy Bassnectar had come on and I was feeling very sexual again. I laid next to A and L for a while, and began to partake in whatever they were doing. Suddenly though, when the song changed, sex became very boring. I got up and went to fiddle with the music. L and A kept calling me back, obviously with the intent of having a three-way. But I was not interested at all anymore.
<br>
<br>
6:00 AM - C convinced all of us to come outside. It was strange, too bright, too many things happening. But one thing was for sure. The sunrise was incredible. We were no longer tripping constantly, but it was coming to us in waves. The clouds just seemed to be like waves, riding the sky.
<br>
<br>
8:00 AM - The waves were becoming less and less intense. Now, I just had a very calm appreciation for everything around me. I laid in C's arms, while L and A made love on the other bed. It was a very natural feeling. Slowly, we progressively decided that we too should try out sex. We weren't at the point where we were hallucinating anymore, but everything still felt right.
<br>
<br>
Sex whilst coming down from a trip is incredible. I did not experience it whilst fully tripping, but honestly, I don't think I could've handled it. A simple touch sent me over the edge; actually getting physical with someone might have blown my mind past the point of recuperation. There is still that feeling of confidence, but now I felt like I was getting to know C on a more spiritual level. I knew exactly where to touch him, and the same went for him. In between, we would just lay there and let the music guide us.
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<br>
9:00 AM - After smoking a few flows, we were all feeling extremely chilled. A blanket has never felt more comfortable, and I have never wanted to be next to a man so.
<br>
<br>
At this point, we all decided to try out sleep. It had been a long, tremulous, eventful evening. I have never slept harder in my life.
<br>
<br>
When we woke up, it was already past time to check out. Luckily, the motel manager was cool with a late checkout, but as we all gathered our belongings, I couldn't help but feel sad.
<br>
<br>
I have never felt more in touch with myself, what's around me, and who is around me. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I have never felt more in touch with myself, what's around me, and who is around me.</div></div> I didn't want it to end, and while I still felt that blissful buzz, the trip was over.
<br>
<br>
When we left that room, we were all changed people.
<br>
<br>
<!-- I'd now like to give a few tips for those who are looking to have a similar experience to what I had. -->These are strictly personal; every trip is different, I know that. But words to the wise....
<br>
<br>
Don't trip with anyone that you do not want to be naked with. Because my grandfather could've been in the room with me, thank goodness he wasn't, but I still would've taken off my clothes.
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<br>
Let your mind wander, but don't lose yourself completely. Of course it was interesting and fun while tripping to allow myself to think deep, dark thoughts. But thoughts are all that can be produced from this. I distinctly remember thinking at a point in the night that I could kill every person in the room with me. And while I thought this, I also had the notion that if I did kill my friends, they would all soon wake up and just laugh it off. Death didn't seem possible. I reared myself back in, obviously not acting on these thoughts. It was easy to get lost. I just had to find my way back.
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<br>
I personally cannot wait to drop again. It was an overall positive experience, that I will never forget.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2011</td><td width="90">ExpID: 92139</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 20</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jun 24, 2021</td><td>Views: 1,275</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=92139&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=92139&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : First Times (2), Glowing Experiences (4), Sex Discussion (14), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">65 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
<!-- xLSD TripReport: Lost my body on bicycle day.
<br/>
<br/>
-->Product: White on White Blotters, 100-110ug per tab. The source was a highly recommended one and another product of theirs was supposedly tested by a third party and found to be pure LSD and close to 100% of the advertised quantity. Personally I cant make any statements regarding quality/quantity, but I can tell you what it did to me.
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<br>
Set&amp;Setting: I'm around 30 yrs old, male, have some experience with mdma/exstacy/speed/shrooms and smoke weed for most of my adult life. Aside from this daily cannabis use, I had a very sober 2015 so far. I'm very interested in spirituality, especially non-dualism, and concepts like ego-loss, transcendence of mind&amp;body and the beautiful oneness of all are familiar to me. Theoretically, i.e. not experienced. I'm not in a very stable place right now, meaning no real job, no girlfriend/relationship for some years, and no idea how or when this is going to change.
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<br>
I decided to trip alone for my first time (friends I wouldve tripped with werent available) and I was going to start with 200ug or two 100ug 'White on White' blotters. I live with two roommates who were present and knew I would be tripping. I trust them, they are good people. The week before I read a lot of reports <!-- on reddit and erowid--> and checked out what is scientifically known today. Also, I mildly conditioned myself by always repeating and being aware of the facts 'I wont die' and 'It will be over after a day'. I didnt have any special plans; for my first time I just wanted to see what it would be like. What would happen. I was excited.
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<br>
Bicycle Day: I had gotten the tabs the day before, but it was late and I wanted to start during the day. So I waited one night, which wasnt easy. I was very excited and only slept a couple of hours. (Sidenote: It can be hard to tell if I feel anxious, nervous or excited. I chose to see it as excitement. Stay positive.)
<br>
<br>
I started my day leisurely with cereals&amp;fruit&amp;tea, showered and cleaned the apartment a bit. After that I went outside to walk around in the sun and find a rose which I could pluck and take home. They are supposed to be beautiful on LSD (also, I read King's Dark Tower not long ago).
<br>
<br>
I then prepared my room, meaning: water, pen&amp;paper, fresh sheets for my bed, phone on airplane mode, logging out of all social media and opening a few tabs with music. After everything was ready I took a quick look at the time and I shit you not, 4:20pm. Lets go!
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<br>
4:20pm. I put two blotters on my tongue, sucked and chewed them around a bit and then swallowed. I put on the movie Lucy which was recommended somewhere and waited.
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<br>
It didnt take long, maybe 15 minutes, and I started to feel something. My hands and feet got sweaty and my excitement quickly morphed into euphoria. Another 15 minutes later colors became more vibrant and had a mild glow. By now the movie had become the least interesting thing to see. I checked for tracers by waving my hand but I didnt see any. Didnt matter, I was coming up fast. I started laughing/giggling just because I felt so good. It might have been slightly on the hysterical side.
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<br>
5:30pm. Pretty exactly one hour into the movie it started to buffer, so I paused and looked around the room. Textures had started moving, the letters on my keyboard wobbled and time and space began to stretch. At this point one of my roommates came by wanting to know how it felt.
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<br>
Roomy: Hey, is it already kicking in? What are you seeing?
<br>
Me: Unnbeelievvabll... Itss...it...amaazinn.
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<br>
I could barely talk. Time and space were off. I thought the sentence, but by the time it had reached my mouth I was already so far ahead in my mind. So much was happening in what I knew must be seconds, but it didnt feel like it. It didnt feel like hours either, I was just registering too much for just one second. Every texture was moving. For example: My desk is completely white and smooth except for a scorch mark the size of a quarter. This mark was a pit, it had depth, and little geometric forms and lines were tumbling out of it only to dissolve on the white desk. This motivated me to put the paper in front of me and pick up a pencil. With that I started seeing traces. When I put the pencil to the paper, the point of contact became the source of an abstract drawing which spread out over maybe half the paper. It was amazingly detailed and constantly moving. I have no idea what it looked like.
<br>
<br>
The reports I had read often said that it could be uncomfortable to have non tripping people around, no matter if they knew or not. I was sure I wouldnt mind having my sober roommates around. I was wrong. The thing is, they couldnt understand. Our realities were so far apart, and I couldnt communicate to them what I was seeing, and that kind of broke the illusion. With my eyes I saw unbelievably beautiful patterns on the floor, through their eyes I saw a drugged up idiot staring at a normal floor. It didnt make sense, I couldnt bring the two pictures together. My guess is that it got to do with my insecurities and is not necessarily a characteristic of LSD.
<br>
<br>
6:30pm. Around this time I wanted to explore the apartment. I knew there was the rose in the kitchen and some fruit salad in the fridge. Also I felt like I had to be a little bit active to show my roommates I was able to and that everything was fine. I felt they wouldnt understand that everything was fine if I was just sitting around tipping a pen to paper.
<br>
<br>
At first I didnt think I could walk, but when I tried, it worked. It was really weird, everything was moving and the proportions of my body felt wrong, but it worked. I could even dance and jump around to create massive waves where my feet touched the floor. When, after a couple of minutes, I arrived at the kitchen door, I instantly noticed the rose. It was too much to look at. I turned to the fridge, opened it, laughed and closed it again. There was too much going on in there. I could make out the fruit salad, but there was no way I couldve gotten it out of there. (Sidenote: Looking back, I now think I couldve done it, but I didnt even try. My mind said no and I listened). On the way back to my room I made a quick pitstop to relieve myself. It was a little weird but worked fine. As I stood before the door, ready to leave the bathroom, I had a brief flash of panic. I wasnt sure if I could open the door. But then I just did it and it was easy enough. Still I got the feeling how the trip couldve turned bad there and I made a mental note to remember that getting out was easy.
<br>
<br>
Back in my room I sat down at my desk and thought about what to do next. Now, afterwards, I feel like this is a bad spot. Tripping and not knowing what to do next cant be right. Everything around me was moving in awesomeness and I didnt want to settle on anything. Didnt want to go deep into anything. I'm pretty sure I was fighting it, or trying to get some control. I wasn't aware of it, I was just thinking 'Holy shit, what now?'. I started feeling overwhelmed so I closed my eyes and instead of the expected darkness a whole new space opened up. I instantly named it, or knew its name to be Headspace.
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<br>
7:30pm. This Headspace was the most insane thing I had experienced so far. It wasnt like I was standing or sitting in a space or world similar to ours. I'm not even sure how many dimensions it had, although it was at least partly 3 dimensional. I could see bright, abstract patterns move or rather develop in this space. It was brighter than my room, and that sensation alone, that I closed my eyes and my surroundings got brighter, was disorientating <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">that sensation alone, that I closed my eyes and my surroundings got brighter, was disorientating</div></div>. After a short while, I think, I had figured out a little bit how it worked. I wasnt a body but more a cell, or maybe even a point. Sensations had different representations from the other world. Whatever I heard I would also see as patterns of light. And the sounds came from new directions. When, for example, I heard one of my roommates, I logically knew they were to my left, but in my Headspace the sound ... I dont even know, was part of that space maybe? With its own location from where it came. Something like that, but different.
<br>
<br>
I wanted to listen to music, so I opened my eyes again and instantly got hit by strong vertigo. The change in perspective was too sudden and extreme. First I'm hanging or hovering in one point and can see, hear and feel the space around me, and then I'm suddenly sitting in my chair looking straight ahead. It made no sense. It felt like both spaces existed simultaneously, and I could switch between them just by opening/closing my eyes, but it made me very nauseous.
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<br>
8:00pm. I barely managed to start a song and put on my headphones. I had started, without really choosing it, Acid Rap by Chance the Rapper. I remember thinking how intense it was, and that I, at some point, noticed that it was over. Besides that I have no memory of listening to a 50+ minute album. I dont know if I passed out, or closed up or what happened. I remember pulling off the headphones and curl up in my bed, and I think I found a place inside my head where I could stay, but for the next 6-10 hours I dont know where or what I was. There is very little memory, I think I just remember a few small reality flips. At one time my other roomy came by and asked if I was okay. I remember this in two steps. The first one was 'waking up' with a shock while simultaneously registering that he was close to me and had asked if everything was alright. The second step is me quickly 'going back' whilst muttering 'all goood'. There were a couple of similar little events, like me suddenly noticing something from the other world. But I have no idea what was happening in my Headspace. I just know I felt good.
<br>
<br>
05:00am. The next clear memory I have is 'waking up' or 'coming back' from wherever I was. The sky was already bright, so it probably was around 5am. I was still seeing visual effects, but way more mellow than before. My body didnt feel quite right, my hands felt and looked way to big. They were morphing from triple the normal size to more or less normal and back. The body feeling I had reminded me of the cortical homonculus (I had to look that up), a physical representation, a neurological map of the body (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cortical_homunculus). I kept lying in my bed and probably snoozed a bit, but after a while I was so bored, I had to get up.
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<br>
08:00am. My visuals were gone completely, but things still looked pretty. I felt very exhausted, in body and mind, but more or less normal. I knew I was still not fully back, still away from my former self. I was very calm and kind of empty. I took a shower and went outside. It was a beautiful day and I would spent the next 3-4 hours walking slowly through nature, occasionally stopping, but mostly wanting to move. I tried to think about what I had experienced, but I dont think I got a better sense of it then I have now, 2 days later.
<br>
<br>
All I know for sure is that by taking the LSD (if it was LSD) I had opened a door to another world. I'm sure of that. I cant really say what/where/when this world is, what happend there or who had been there, but I really want to find out. Oh, and there was definitely a vast distance between me on LSD and the me before LSD. This distance alone had created a new perspective on pretty much anything, I just didnt look at anything while so far away. Or I dont remember.
<br>
<br>
Conclusions:
<br>
<br>
- <!-- Start small! -->I'm very sure I was overwhelmed, which wasnt a bad experience, but not really useful either, and I think I wasted a lot of LSD's potential that way.
<br>
<br>
- <!-- Be prepared! -->Its a trip, you are going somewhere. It really didn't hurt to know a little bit about that place. The more single experiences I read, the better my understanding of what might happen.
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<br>
- Set&amp;Setting! I know it is important, probably the most important factor of the trip. I'm not sure how it really works, but before/while/after the trip I was happy about having cleaned and decluttered my place, feeling excited, ie being nervous but not scared. I was glad I made sure there werent any disturbences. My sober roommates werent a huge problem, but they made me feel self-conscious and inhibited, so the next time I really want to be alone or have everyone tripping.
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<br>
- Next time: I will again take my time with preparations, they are part of it. I will take half the dose, so 100ug, maybe even in 2 steps at T:0.00 and T:2.00. I have to read about that :) I want to put some focus on the difference between open and closed eyes, the different worlds, while keeping an open mind for wherever the trip leads me.
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<br>
I wish you all the best in all the worlds!<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2015</td><td width="90">ExpID: 106908</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 30</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Oct 1, 2021</td><td>Views: 832</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=106908&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=106908&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Glowing Experiences (4), First Times (2), Alone (16)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">100 ug</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(edible / food)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">100 ug</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(edible / food)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">175 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/venlafaxine/">Pharms - Venlafaxine</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(daily)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">250 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
200mcg LSD, 60 Yo Man on SNRI, Nice Trip
<br>
<br>
I had my first LSD experience on two 100 mcg mints, over a roughly six hour period. Set and setting were excellent, and the trip was positive and fun.
<br>
<br>
I take an SNRI anti-depressant (175 mg of Effexor / Venlafaxine daily), and although there's lots of speculation about possible interactions (Serotonin Syndrome, inhibition of LSD effects, etc.) on the web, I just YOLO'd, and I didn't experience anything negative in that regard. Your mileage may vary!
<br>
<br>
Other drug experience: I smoked some weed back in college a million years ago, and I've been using it again a bit recently, but so far it doesn't interest me that much, so whatever. I have a glass of wine or a beer with dinner most nights. Coffee and sugar and chocolate are excellent.
<br>
<br>
The setting for this acid experience was excellent: a bright and airy AirBnB loft in the outer burroughs of NYC on a lovely September day. My guide was a sex worker / escort that I'd seen before and like a lot, who'd offered to get the tabs and guide me in my first experience.
<br>
<br>
Expectations: I have a friend who took higher-dose LSD trips back in like the 70's, and she's described it as transcendent and life-changing. I've meditated quite a bit, and I've read about how psychedelics tend to produce good experiences when expectations and setting are good. My guide had assured me that there's really no such thing as a bad trip. So I was expecting a good experience.
<br>
<br>
She arrived at about 10:15 am, and we each took a 100 mcg mint at about 10:30. She put on a playlist of appropriate downtempo tracks, and we lay in bed talking and lightly making out. By 11:30 I was feeling a sort of nonspecific euphoria but no other effects, so she gave me another 100 mcg mint. By 12:30 I was feeling stronger effects, which lasted until roughly 3:30. By 4 or 4:30pm I was feeling mostly normal again, although the euphoria lasted longer, merging into the general normal feeling of having had a really good day.
<br>
<br>
I don't have a good memory of the order of events, interior or exterior, between 12:30 and 3:30, but I'll describe the general kinds of experiences that I remember.
<br>
<br>
One effect, that I also get from alcohol and weed, is that my conscious mind and my verbal centers sort of feel far apart. Like I'm listening to myself talking from a distance, and I don't necessarily know where the sentence started or where it's going. And sometimes when I feel like I should be saying something, it's hard to start talking, because words are far away and hard to find. This effect was mostly at the start and the end; during the peak, words weren't really relevant, see below.
<br>
<br>
Sex: My guide told me that most people aren't that interested in sex while tripping, although some get extra-interested. I brought her to orgasm (or to faking it really well, you never know) with my fingers early on during the 100 mcg phase, and she brought me off with her hands toward the end. It felt very intense, and like it lasted a very long time; excellent orgasm, A++, would recommend. In general, though, the sex wasn't the center of the experience; the basic cuddling / touching was more important.
<br>
<br>
Normal interaction: apparently we had some relatively normal interactions during the trip, because I remember her talking to me about some of her hobbies and showing me pictures and videos on her phone, and apparently I said sensible things. The oddest thing about that part is that I don't remember where it came in time compared to everything else.
<br>
<br>
Visuals: I didn't have much in the way of visual effects, aside from two things. I saw a sort of lacy texture overlaid over everything at times, with my eyes open or closed. And I saw (what should have been terrifying but was very cool) a long shape like the underside of a lobster, with lots of arms and feelers and hands and eyes, waving around in a very alive way. I saw that with my eyes closed, not for a long time. It wasn't threatening or aggressive, just a kind of symbol maybe of how strange and complicated all of reality is.
<br>
<br>
Peaking: some time after she gave me the second 100 mcg mint, I remember her saying that she was afraid she'd given me too much. I heard her, even though I was somewhere far away at the time, and consciously decided to come back far enough that I could reassure her that I was good; so I did that. The overall feeling was that I was floating at the center of ultimate reality, outside time and beyond words, for hours or days or centuries or forever, in an indescribable bliss (although "bliss" is just a word, and this was beyond words). At the same time I was intensely aware of how we were spooned together, with my arms around her and my fingers touching and caressing her skin; somehow the tactile feelings and the music were intimately part of the ultimate truth that I was floating in.
<br>
<br>
At some point I said to her that we invented language in order to be able to talk about this experience with each other. I also said that every time the music changed, it was like a new aeon of the universe was starting. Which sounds like the kind of thing people say while tripping, doesn't it? Heh heh. But they are what I felt, in some way.
<br>
<br>
As I came down a bit, it felt like I was consciously choosing to re-enter time and concepts, at that particular place and time, as if I could maybe have chosen to stay in timeless ultimate truth, or to come back to reality as any other person, in any other time and place. It wasn't bad, even though I was leaving perfect bliss; it was more like everything is equally perfect so it was fine to come out.
<br>
<br>
All around it was a very positive experience, just about as I'd expected. It was deeper than the meditative experiences that I've had; in meditation I sometimes feel like I'm accessing a deeper layer of reality that is beyond words, but in this trip I felt like I was there for a timeless eternity of time.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2021</td><td width="90">ExpID: 115801</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 60</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Oct 6, 2021</td><td>Views: 1,165</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=115801&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=115801&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : General (1), Glowing Experiences (4), Sex Discussion (14), Guides / Sitters (39), First Times (2), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">155 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
___________________________________________________________
<br>
<br>
A Summary of my Experiences with LSD and its Spiritual Current
<br>
___________________________________________________________
<br>
<br>
Firstly, I should say that I don’t condone reliance on psychedelics as a means to experience the spiritual dimension (or the natural state, if spiritual dimension doesn’t work for you). An article I once read described acid as ‘a helicopter ride to the top of the mountain’, it shows you the peak, but you can’t stay long. You still have to climb the mountain yourself to be grounded in the experience, but these ‘helicopter rides’ can be an excellent source of inspiration to keep climbing. However, it is also in maintaining a practice of consciousness in daily life that we prime ourselves for, to quote Jesus, “the coming of the Kingdom”, which is more effortlessly found in acid. So this practice is the important element here, and therefore one should not become too reliant upon LSD.
<br>
<br>
Visuals
<br>
<br>
Many people who haven’t dropped acid, and perhaps some that have, believe it is the visuals, and not the experience, that is so fascinating about acid. This journal is not about the visual effects of acid, which it goes without saying are present in every trip. So I’d first like to describe some of the visual side effects of the drug.
<br>
<br>
Colors are more vivid. This is evident when looking at something like a flower or autumn leaves, which will never be more beautiful than through those lucid eyes. This is also evident when looking at a rock, and finding what once seemed grey is swimming the subtle spectrum of the rainbow. It’s also clear when looking in the mirror. All the subtle hues present in the skin leap forth like a painting.
<br>
<br>
Everything seems alive, it ‘breathes’ or ‘flows’ with a certain dynamism, even static objects. This can result in typical sights like breathing walls, and also in the dancing sea of colors of one’s face in the mirror. Sometimes this dynamism is more extreme and seems more like the object is sort of melting, and once it resulted in my Christmas tree swaying and churning in a bold dance.
<br>
___________________________________________________________
<br>
<br>
<br>
The First Trip
<br>
___________________________________________________________
<br>
<br>
Now, I suppose I should begin with a brief overview of my experiences on acid prior to the first spiritual experience. The first time was the most intense, I can only surmise that this was a combination of its novelty and the energy-level of the setting, which, with something like 8 people at my house that night, was understandably high. There were moments I termed “excitement grenades”, in which the circle of our babble would rise in energy level higher and higher, like a rollercoaster approaching the crest. Then boom!, straight down a hill, the volcano erupts, and the excitement explodes as the group scatters. We’d then coalesce again, and ask “What just happened? What just set us off?”
<br>
<br>
Prior, if I recall correctly, to these ‘excitement grenades’, the group collectively experienced a symptom I call “fizzling out”. We were in the kitchen, and there were perhaps three one-on-one conversations running simultaneously. You would listen to a conversation, and then realize, as the speaker rolled the sentences past, they gradually degraded, until he was speaking gibberish. You would then realize your sentences ended similarly, and I recall that it reminded me of being like a child, “reverting to the mind of a 5 year old”.
<br>
<br>
Later in the night the energy levels subsided, and a large portion of the trip was spent sprawled out in the den with the lights low, listening to music (obeying the necessary clichés, the music was Marley, and the room was lit by the glow of a lava lamp). It was at this point in the trip that I notice a deep peacefulness, a stillness. While we all would, at some point, invariably get caught up in conversations and chores and missions around the house, it was here that we laid such missions aside, quit trying to “do” or “solve” anything (for the trip was like a riddle with an answer perched forever on the tip of one’s tongue). In this room, in the low ebb of our energy, it was chill. The chillest that chill had ever been. There was just being, just enjoying, not trying or pursuing anything.
<br>
<br>
This, in its essence, was still an experience of that spiritual dimension, the natural state. But it was not the intimate experience of that state, it was in that state, but not in recognition of that state. That can be said of any moment of our lives I suppose, but it was here in the peaceful “stillness” of the room that I could ‘feel’ it’s presence, while in daily life we are almost always numb to it. It was in this sort of state that I, had I known what I was looking for, could probably have turned to face it, and experienced a “knowing” quite separate from the “feeling.”
<br>
___________________________________________________________
<br>
<br>
<br>
The Fist Intimation
<br>
___________________________________________________________
<br>
<br>
Before I start, I think I should explain the days leading up to the trip. Trips magnify whatever you bring into them, they amplify your current state. So here’s what I brought into this trip:
<br>
<br>
A week before I ‘dropped in’, I had a peculiar experience. I was laying in my bed (technically a couch) one night, staring up at the ceiling. All of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was going to die. I don’t mean that I had an intellectual comprehension of this obvious fact, but that I felt this truth experientially. It was a sort of short-circuiting that bypasses the intellectual understanding of mortality, which can never really fully confront one‘s own impermanence. I would die. I would blink out of existence and never wake up, not the next day, not in ten billion years. Gone. The “I” that I knew myself to be would, someday soon (a day, 80 years, no real difference) cease to be, was no more permanent than a gust of air.
<br>
<br>
So there I was: twenty years old, and had just realized that I was temporal. And with this realization came a tremendous amount of fear and anxiety, a tension that I kept knotted up for a full weak, a burden that consumed every thought. It was this pressure, I believe, that built so much that when the acid finally washed me out, the weight of the fall made something snap, and for a brief moment, I knew intimately that-which-cannot-be-expressed.
<br>
<br>
That weekend after ‘hell week’, my friends and I were tripping with two of their friends, new acquaintances of mine. The acid had raised my spirits, and for once my mind could enjoy life without lamenting the temporality of it all. I left the group to go to the bathroom, which is where it happened. I know the bathroom is sort of a funny place to meet God, even more so if he greets you at the end of a piss, before you even get to shake. And that’s what happened.
<br>
<br>
Acid seems to increase my awareness of my body, and any tension my body is holding. Often it’s letting me know through my spine, a constant discomfort that a bipedal creature can learn to ignore, but never really escape. There’s nothing to do with tension but release it: by popping your back, sneezing, achieving orgasm, or pissing. So there I was, having just pissed, and with my hyperawareness of my body, I tried to relax a little further after the main event, to relax every muscles so that I emptied every last drop. And when I did so, when I fully released my muscles, I let go completely. I let go so thoroughly that something snapped, and I experience what Zen Buddhists would probably call ‘satori’, a brief flash of the other shore.
<br>
<br>
The next thing I knew, I was bawling my eyes out, gripping the sink. I looked up in the mirror. Tears were streaming down my face, but I had a deep sense of peace. Everything clicked, the fear that had been in the background had vanished completely. I walked out of the bathroom, but must have looked like quite a wreck, what with the weeping and all (another form of release, I might note). So they rushed me out of there so as not to cause a scene, and parked down the road while I tried to explain I was fine, and I stumbled awkwardly over trying to express what had just occurred.
<br>
___________________________________________________________
<br>
<br>
<br>
The Waterfall
<br>
___________________________________________________________
<br>
<br>
While I had accidentally stumbled upon, as Jesus called it, “the Kingdom of God”, in that bathroom that day, there was a later trip when I turned to it intentionally, and had my most intimate and sustained experience of that state that the sages and mystics knew well. I am reluctant to say that I ‘sought’ it, because it comes by grace and not by effort, though by our efforts we can make sure that the soil is fertile and the seed can take root. The days prior to this trip were quite peaceful, I had stopped getting stoned, and masturbating, and googling porn, and the like. I was more conscious in my daily life, and didn’t get caught up in internal monologues as frequently as is regular. It believe that it is because of this, and of course my setting (good, chill friends and the beauty of nature) that I was able to have such a profound and effortless experience of that stillness-of-stillnesses.
<br>
<br>
First, let me describe the setting, as it’s said every trip consists of [mind]set and setting. Four of us went, Me and three friends, one of them my girlfriend, the other two former roommates. These were all people that I knew well, trusted, and respected, and have a decent amount of overlap in mindsets. The location was a huge cave that sat beneath a waterfall, which emptied into a pool before continuing as a shallow creek. It was also our first time hiking out here, and I think novelty can aid the appreciation of beauty as well.
<br>
<br>
The trip began as usually, with the feeling of an enormous amount of energy surging up within oneself. It would occasionally (rather often, actually) escape in fits of giggles, the only seeming way to release this energy buildup. This energy one feels is a bit difficult to describe, but it’s almost as if there’s more than your body can hold, like the energy is pushing against the borders of your form, like a chick just before hatching. I retrospectively decided that this energy, this tension, is probably resistance to Being, to the state I will try to relate to you. It’s a necessary part of the trip, and perhaps what Tolle referred to when he spoke of the ‘violence’ that he felt on LSD. It is the buildup before the plunge, when gravity pulls you to the bottom.
<br>
<br>
We decided to go for a hike, in an effort to channel and subdues the tumult that arose within our cores. It was successful, and we the fits of giggling and laughter became more sporadic. The energy had been channeled, outward into the world. Next would come its inward journey, the journey Home. After walking along the pebbles of the creekbed for a ways, we decided to return to the campsite. My girlfriend remained, and I didn’t wait for her, as I could clearly sense that she wanted a lower energy level than could be found in a group of four, and would prefer to be alone. I myself had at times felt the longing to be alone, to let the energy level come to a standstill. I refer to this longing as Gravity, or Psychic Gravity, or the Pull. I refer to it in a poem as “I looked at you/ and you returned my gaze”. Some describe it as being pulled toward an abyss, a black hole, or a void.
<br>
<br>
By the time we had returned to the camp, the Pull had become overpowering, and I told my friends that I thought she had the right idea, and I was going up the hill to be alone. When I had finally found a secluded spot among the trees and stony hillside, I let myself sink down to that place called the Tao by some. Everyone has different analogies and visual images for this experience, mine seems to be sinking. Think of everyday, non-lucid life (being rooted in the thinking and reasoning mind, susceptible to desires and emotions and various acts of the will) to be the sloshing surface of a river current. The Pull draws one from that surface, toward the total stillness of the Riverbed. It’s the innermost heart of man, preceding all else, The Source, The Substrate. It is the Substrate not just of oneself, but of all that is, be they other people, other animals, or ‘inanimate’ forms. All rise from this point, and eventually all will sink back into it. It is the point of birth and death.
<br>
<br>
Eventually my friend, who had also gone to spend time alone, walked past my meditation perch. We locked eyes for an instant, and I knew, could feel, that he had just risen from the place I’d been, that he had experienced the same state. Later, all four of us would try to express the state to one another, to communicate it in some way, but it is, by its nature, impossible of being communicated. When we locked eyes, we knew nothing needed to be said, there was no desire to communicate it at this point. We just knew it, and knew the other knew as well.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2011</td><td width="90">ExpID: 91467</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 21</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Oct 10, 2021</td><td>Views: 1,145</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=91467&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=91467&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Mystical Experiences (9), Retrospective / Summary (11), General (1)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 9:36</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 tablet</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/diazepam/">Pharms - Diazepam</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
11:13: I'm in my room, which is bathed in morning sun. About 90 seconds ago I placed beneath my tongue a hit of acid, the first I've ever taken. My understanding is that it contains a dose of 125 micrograms, although I know I can't be sure.
<br>
<br>
As far as my 'set' is concerned, I guess I feel alright. My last meal was 14 or 15 hours ago. I'm listening to Trane's Sun Ship.
<br>
<br>
11:23: I think that one of the trickiest aspects of this trip will be keeping the tab in place. I should be better at this, shouldn't I, given my familiarity with the sublingual route of administration.
<br>
<br>
11:28: Already I feel different somehow. This music -- "Attaining" -- is hospitable.
<br>
<br>
11:38: I'm experiencing butterflies so strong that I had to sit down. It's like their giant wings are abrading my insides as they flutter.
<br>
<br>
12:04: I feel anxious, and unsteady on my feet, but at the same time I'm beginning to feel orgasmic. I realise that is far too crude a word -- too trite, too clumsy.
<br>
<br>
12:25: I feel amazing -- like a coiled spring. The tensity, and the sheer pleasure of that tensity. This music -- Bicep -- is almost too much to bear. I think it would be folly to try to step out of this experience in order to describe it. Just feel, mate, feel. There's no need to record everything.
<br>
<br>
12:28: I am positively vibrating. It's like I want to burst out of myself.
<br>
<br>
12:59: I'm feeling no less euphoric. The visuals are really beginning now. My carpet squirms with fractals. The tab -- a little mushy now -- is still beneath my tongue.
<br>
<br>
13:02: This screen is bulging and pulsing and warping, and fractals try to impose themselves upon it. Nothing is static; everything seems viscous. Is some of my physical energy starting to dissipate now? Will it give way to (greater) mentation?
<br>
<br>
13:27: I realise now that I am in the hands of a very powerful instrument. These visuals are unlike anything I've ever experienced before, but it's the mental aspect of the trip that threatens to overwhelm me. Looked at one way I'm just in a particularly elevated form of my usual hyper-anxious state.
<br>
<br>
13:43: I could allow myself to be shredded by this substance, but the effects it's producing in me -- aren't they sort of, well, normal? They're nothing I can't deal with; they're not telling me anything about myself that I don't already know. Perhaps they should be? I'm struck by the banality of these words -- their limpness compared to what I'm going through right now -- the ultra-heightened state of my sensorium. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I'm struck by the banality of these words -- their limpness compared to what I'm going through right now -- the ultra-heightened state of my sensorium.</div></div>
<br>
<br>
13:53: Pondering the impossibility or otherwise of truly relating to other human beings. Understanding it's a hunger that cannot be sated.
<br>
<br>
13:55: One of the powers of this drug is that <!-- it forces you -->it's forcing me to identify and confront what is most ugly in <!-- you -->me.
<br>
<br>
13:59: I think a lot of my ugliness stems from my desire to be a 'man'.
<br>
<br>
14:04: If only I could jettison that desire and all that clings to it.
<br>
<br>
There is also the matter of my physical ugliness, but isn't it pointlessly masochistic to flog that dead horse? I look at myself in the mirror, albeit from a distance. I see self-evolving variations on a fundamental ugliness. Some more attractive than others, but isn't that the point?
<br>
<br>
14:15: Why do I want to be a 'man'? Insecurity. Uncertainty. My stature. My background, and the effect this had -- continues to have? -- on my socialisation.
<br>
<br>
14:20: It'd be criminal to trip without listening to Shpongle. For a decade their music (among other things) has sustained the flame of my desire to trip. I'm therefore going to try as best I can to muffle my thoughts for a while and luxuriate in "Monster Hit".
<br>
<br>
14:23: There's no such thing as a prelapsarian time as far as the self is concerned. <!-- You can pretend that x was the case before you did y or went and said z, but the reality is that your --> I can pretend that x was the case before I did y or went and said z, but the reality is that my entire history has been stained with embarrassment and the embarrassment of embarrassments. What is it that Alain Leroy mumbles when he staggers sweating from the restroom? 'The humiliation of it all.'
<br>
<br>
All this, then, points -- and can only point -- to one end. 'Suicide has the power to transfigure life, with all its quotidian mess, its conflicts, its ambivalences, its disappointments, its unfinished business, its 'waste and fever and heat' -- into a stone-cold myth'. The sentence -- Fisher's -- rings coldly, sardonically even.
<br>
<br>
For in the final analysis, a myth is what it is. The paraphernalia of suicide can be glamorous, but it barely conceals the sordidness of the act itself, the desperation.
<br>
<br>
14:34: I'm not overly concerned or distressed by my thought-processes. I guess it's good -- or not so good -- to know that they continue to revolve around the same sick ideas.
<br>
<br>
14:43: My black skinny jeans lie in a heap on the floor. I can't help but see them as a pile of rags containing the gaunt dead body of a thing <!-- you -->I couldn't really call a baby.
<br>
<br>
15:04: Can I believe that nearly four hours have passed since I put that square of blotter-paper underneath my tongue? It's still there, by the way.
<br>
<br>
15:08: Promise. Collapsing. Inexorably. And then, always, the logic of suicide, like a stain <!-- you -->I can't scrub away.
<br>
<br>
15:15: I carry around with me the 'energy', or whatever it is, of Death. I am a 'gnawing little negation' -- and destined always to be so.
<br>
<br>
15:19: I'm poring over a Basquiat, namely Riding with Death (1988). It astonishes me -- the sheer fucking fatalism of it. Here we have a work which sees its creator prophesy, with stark and sombre certitude, the event of his imminent death (and imminent it was).
<br>
<br>
15:20: It's funny to think now about how good I felt during the early stages of this trip. I felt blissful. I want to recapture some of that euphoria now, more than four hours after dosing.
<br>
<br>
15:32: I turn off the music, lay down on my bed and close my eyes.
<br>
<br>
15:54: I thought I would get some food, so I went into the kitchen. A was in there packing away her things. I told her I was tripping. With the wisdom of one who has been in my current position many times before, she recommended that I go out for a walk and into nature, which I will do once I've finished eating these bran flakes.
<br>
<br>
15:57: I'm reading all about coelacanths. What bizarre fucking creatures.
<br>
<br>
17:11: The only thing that drugs reveal to <!-- you is the stubbornness of what you -->me is the stubbornness of what I knew already.
<br>
<br>
17:14: The curse of not quite belonging in the world. That feeling never goes away -- it's like <!-- you're -->I'm a left foot in a right shoe.
<br>
<br>
17:21: There is a tranquility now though, as I sit pharoah-like on my graffiti-blazoned throne. Watching the waters of the canal, flecked as they are by points of sunlight. Attuned to the existence of the littlest insect but not desirous of human company. I should have come out sooner than I did.
<br>
<br>
20:37: The three preceding entries were composed as memos on my phone, for I had by that time ventured up Three Mill Lane and then along the "River" Lea. I walked for a while before sitting down to think -- think hard -- and take in some lingering visuals.
<br>
<br>
20:49: I've showered, changed and changed my bed-sheets. I've taken most of a Valium and had plenty of water. But I'm still not back to baseline. A said to me a few hours ago that tripping on acid is a 'commitment'. She is so right.
<br>
<br>
Life could have been so easy. I could have just done what my parents wanted for me. 'No flowers grow upon busy machinery', but at least that machinery would have worked.
<br>
<br>
20:55: I need some time to digest this trip -- to understand its meaning. But at the same time I reckon I'll be able to get up tomorrow and dismiss it and go about my business. I know exactly why -- vide some of my earlier entries.
<br>
<br>
Ten hours after lift-off, I'll finish this trip report by quoting Fisher again: '[d]epression is not sadness, not even a state of mind, it is a (neuro)philosophical (dis)position.'<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2018</td><td width="90">ExpID: 115915</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 25</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Nov 21, 2021</td><td>Views: 1,300</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=115915&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=115915&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : General (1), First Times (2), Mystical Experiences (9), Music Discussion (22), Guides / Sitters (39), Various (28)</td></tr>
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</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 cig.</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 10:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/tobacco/">Tobacco - Cigarettes</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 10:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">20 - 30 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/dmt/">DMT</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">145 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
Sunday, January 27th, 2013
<br>
<br>
This is a day that will be forever burned into my memory. I owe who I am to this experience.
<br>
<br>
I began my day by ingesting 3 hits of average strength LSD that was laid onto white on white blotter. After ingesting the tabs, I was picked up by my friends, who often accompanied me as sober trip companions. Walking through a snow covered park, we came upon a lending library box. There were a selection of books in the box, most interestingly a worn copy of an erotic novel. Being a group of teenage boys, we chose the erotica to entertain us on the day’s journey. Tracing the empty streets of an upper-middle class neighborhood in our town, we took turns reading aloud sections of the book, laughing profusely in-between lines of prose. In front of us now is a steep drop-off that leads down to Lake Erie. We see three men shoveling the name of a website into the snow-covered ice. “What a waste of an idea that could be used to spread meaningful information,” I remark, 'we should be doing that.' Shortly after, one of our friends decides to walk home, as he has to wake up for work very early the next day. The remaining three of us go back to our friend’s Honda Accord, ready to smoke large amounts of cannabis and enjoy the rest of our day, seeing all the sights our dismal, frozen city has to offer. As an aside, the friend who owned the car did not drink, smoke or take drugs at this time. He simply loved driving, and was fully content to see us get high while he carted us around.
<br>
<br>
During the car ride I peaked on the acid. Beautiful visuals, that I have not experienced since, revealed themselves to me. Streams of blue and purple wrapped themselves around my hands, twisting and flowing like electric smoke. Words fell out of my mouth like syrup, “guys this is amazing,” I said in a drawn-out, euphoric tone. They laughed at how intoxicated I was, remarking that I seemed so normal just minutes before. The rest of the trip was fairly unremarkable, a good six or seven hours has now passed since dosing. After buying another $20 worth of flower, my friend drove me home and we all parted ways.
<br>
<br>
At this point, I retreat to my room to begin my usual post-acid ritual of watching movies until I can sleep. As I finish watching Natural Born Killers, I realize that I am still feeling the waves of the LSD ebbing and flowing. It has now been roughly ten hours since I ingested the tabs, “I must be on the last wave,” I think to myself. I remember reading earlier in the week that it is easier to break through on DMT, if you are already tripping. I have been trying to break through on DMT for the past month or so, so I decide that since I had a great day, and that I am already tripping, it would be a perfect time to go the whole way.
<br>
<br>
I smoke a cigarette while I contemplate what I hope to get out of this trip, occasionally pausing to knock the ash into my bowl, to use as a bed for the DMT. A naive thought hits me, “I want to see what the shamans do.” This is to be my intention, to fully imbibe what I believed would be a shamanic experience. Looking back, this was not all that callow a goal. Having finished the cigarette, I make a hole in the mound of ash, load 20-30mg of white, fluffy DMT into the center, and cover the crystalline powder with a thick layer of ash.
<br>
<br>
A forest green Bic is in my hand, with a steady flame coming from its mouth. I hold the fire roughly an inch and a half above the bowl. I gently inhale and pull the flame towards the ash. Being overly cautious to not scorch the DMT, I take one hit and hold the vapor in. It tastes like mothballs, but there is little tactile sensation. As I exhale, the edges on all the objects in the room begin to soften. The world around me affects a hyper-real appearance, as if I am in a highly advanced computer simulation. I take another hit and hold it in. The air in the room feels like it has been sucked out, giving way to a sensation of extreme visual acuity. There is now immense optical sharpness to the hyper-real appearance of the room. I look around and think, “I need to take one more hit if I am going to get there.”
<br>
<br>
Determined, I flick the spark wheel of the Bic and bring the flame down onto the ash, burning some of the the DMT as I take a third and final hit. “Oh shit, that was definitely the one,” I remark internally, as the taste of burnt shoes fills my mouth. The vapor burns the back of my throat, but surprisingly I do not cough. The booming, whirring carrier tone begins ringing in my ears, increasing and decreasing in pitch as it whines on. I hold in the hit and immediately my field of vision extends to an enormous degree. It is like modifying the FOV parameter in the old Quake games. The music coming from my headphones follows my vision, quickly extending away from me until I am unable to hear it, only to slowly return along with my normal vision. I panic due to the intense nature of the hallucination, “Fuck fuck fuck I don’t think I’m ready for this.” Having never experienced such a powerful hallucination, I immediately knew that I was in over my head. Too late, I bought the ticket, and now it was time for the ride.
<br>
<br>
The objects of my room, and the room itself began to change colors. Each item in the room, the spaces on the floor around the rug, the television and its stand, the rug, the door, the dresser, the desk were washed with a single, solid color. It is like someone is using the paint bucket tool in MS Paint, applying new colors to everything. After a few cycles, everything is now the same nonexistent color, with embossed lines, that are reminiscent of a printed circuit board, running through the surface. The color is both yellow and red at the same time.
<br>
<br>
The room recedes back, giving an immense space to the area. The walls, floor and ceiling all begin to sprout partitions from their centers. These partitions look like little walls jutting from the centers of the spaces. A systematic process begins where the partitions recede back into the surfaces, and pop back up in a different area, giving the appearance of this group of walls circling the room as they pop in and out. It feels like I am in a turbine as the room quickly folds and unfolds.
<br>
<br>
I am hit with an intense sensation of nostalgia, I recognize this DMT space as a world where I have spent many lifetimes. I realize that I do not feel the need to breathe anymore. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I am hit with an intense sensation of nostalgia, I recognize this DMT space as a world where I have spent many lifetimes. I realize that I do not feel the need to breathe anymore.</div></div> As the room slowly stops folding, I am made aware of the object that was once my dresser, which is now just a rectangular protrusion from the wall, covered in the same yellow-red, embossed material. I stand up and make my way over to the object. Cartoony, anime-esque eyes appear above it. For the first time, The Announcer makes her presence known. I hear her exclaim over the telepathic intercom, “EGO DEATH, THAT’S RI-IGHT” in a shrill, singsongy tone. The words “ego death” appear over the dresser’s head, they flash with a series of different colors. “Ego death? What the fuck is ego death?!” I think to myself. In reality, I had read of the phenomenon before, but I did not grasp the concept, so hearing it used in such a matter-of-factly manner was a slap in the face at the time.
<br>
<br>
There was now a doorway in the room that previously had four solid walls. With the carrier tone still wailing, I make my way out of the yellow-red, embossed room into a hallway. The hallway is also an imaginary color, only this color is both maroon and teal at once. There is golden ivy filigree covering the walls. It is pulsing and flowing like your average psychedelic visuals, which stand in stark contrast to the sharp, defined nature of the DMT world. The hallway feels like it belongs in a Victorian era hotel, with very ornate and beautiful accoutrements. The hallway makes a left turn up ahead. As I come upon the turn, there is not a right angle where the interior wall of the hallway would be. Rather, there is doorway cut into where the sharp angle should be.
<br>
<br>
I make my way to the threshold and stand at the opening of the room. In the center of the massive room, there is a gigantic, floating ball of entities. The beings look like they’re wearing maroon-teal Morphsuits, with the same golden ivy pattern flowing on them as is on the walls. The entities are all split in half, they’re either torsos and heads, or hips and legs. The split bodies are all crawling over each other, forming a massive undulating orb, like a humanoid rubber band ball. I am both awestruck and horrified at this sight.
<br>
<br>
(It is important to note that this was not a dreamlike experience in the least. I forgot I was even on drugs, this was simply reality as I knew it, it felt one-thousandfold more real than waking life. Another note on the nature of this DMT space, the movement of the entities was both incredibly fast, and very slow at the same time. There was a very rushed feeling to the movement of everything)
<br>
<br>
While I am standing and gawking, full-bodied entities begin to quickly walk around me through the hallway. They skip forwards and backwards through time as their temporal trails extend in front of them and behind them. The trails remind me of the ones in the movie Donny Darko. I start to take notice of the entities outside of the room, and they begin to pay more attention to me as they briskly walk past. They pass very close to me, almost bumping into me as they make their way down the hall. As more and more go by, I have to keep jumping back to avoid colliding with them. Eventually I am pushed back through a doorway that appeared as I was watching the orb.
<br>
<br>
The room is brightly colored with cartoony pinks and blues, like a baby’s nursery. There are large hyperspace toys in various areas of the room. I am taken aside by one of the entities, as it holds out its maroon-teal hand to show me something. In its hand are two tiny Morphsuit entities, a pink one and a blue one. My girlfriend's name passes through my head as I glance at the pink one. I intuitively know this to be a representation of ourselves.
<br>
<br>
The entity then manipulates the blue and pink models to simulate my idealized notion of a perfect life. The models wiggled on each other, imitating sex. A little house appeared in the hand next to them, and the thoughts of a perfect, life-long union between man and woman were telepathically implanted into my mind. A brilliant, golden light appeared in front of me while this play went on. I slowly began to levitate and merged with the light. This was the pinnacle of human existence, I had found it. I was fulfilled, I was loved and accepted wholly and completely and I loved and accepted wholly and completely.
<br>
<br>
Then it all began to break down. The light faded, the perfect life was gone and I returned back to the floor. The Announcer returned to the telepathic intercom and began to berate me. “You’ve killed your family! You’ve done it now! You really did the big one this time! This is it! You really did it!” Dozens of variations on this message sounded from the loudspeakers in quick succession, all boiling down to one implication, I was going to die.
<br>
<br>
The entities rushed in and out of the room and began dismantling everything. They threw the hyperspace toys around, broke down all the furniture, tore the brightly colored panels from the walls, floors, and ceilings. There were now black spaces peppered throughout the room, exposing the void behind the thin hyperspace walls. The entities turned and began running towards me. With deft hands they grabbed my personal belongings and tossed them into the void. Clothes that I was not even wearing, but identified with, were ripped off me. My hat, my shoes, my shirts and pants were all gone. I looked down at my hands and saw the last thing I had, that forest green Bic. I grasped onto this lighter with more force than a vice-grip, I poured the essence of my being into that lighter, I was that lighter.
<br>
<br>
I looked back up and saw one entity standing before me, I knew that it wanted to take me. A million thoughts rushed through me as I pleaded inside my mind, “Please do not let this be the end, I have so much left to do, this can’t be it!” It was the end, though. No matter how hard I wanted to stop it, I was not the one writing this story. In one nimble motion, the entity leapt towards me, playfully snatched the lighter from my hands, and shoved his open hand into my face, pushing me back into the void. A mental image flashed of a single wheat kernel being popped from the head of a wheat stalk.
<br>
<br>
As I began to fall backwards, The Announcer returned to give her final regards. The last words she said were a very snarky, “Buh-Bye!”
<br>
<br>
Falling down into the void I am spit out of a neon dragon’s mouth, with the illuminated words “Bye bye” arched over its head.
<br>
<br>
I am floating in the void for what feels like a timeless increment. I violently come back to my body and immediately rip the headphones off my ears, throw them to the ground and leap up in surprise. I am back in my room, but it still looks like hyperspace, nothing is the way it should be. My blinds are triangles instead of rectangles, I open and close them as I try to force some form of normalcy to return to me. All I can think is that this is my new life, I really had done the big one, and now I do not live in reality. I think of my family, my girlfriend, and my friends, I feel heartbroken, I feel like I let them all down.
<br>
<br>
A few hellish minutes pass and my room returns to normal. I continue pacing back and forth trying to comprehend what just happened to me, I cannot process any of it. I collapse on the floor and stare at my hands, as I lay in the recovery position for the next 30 minutes. Eventually I get up and resign myself to my bed, where I fall asleep almost instantly.
<br>
<br>
In two years, I have come a long way towards understanding and accepting what happened to me. I am consumed by the world I saw, and I still think about it almost every day. That world is my home, and one day I will return to embrace my death with open arms.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2013</td><td width="90">ExpID: 106902</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 18</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Dec 6, 2021</td><td>Views: 1,286</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=106902&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=106902&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), DMT (18) : Various (28), Entities / Beings (37), Combinations (3)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 tablet</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 tablet</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">68 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
A Foolish Double-Dose of Richard Kemp LSD
<br>
<br>
One evening in the middle of a very cold period in the winter of 69, we were in a notorious Cambridge pub called The Bun Shop, just off Downing Street, and long since pulled down. It was a very lively dive, lots of young town people and some students (though it was too rough and sleazy for most Cambridge undergraduates) and inevitable, there were drugs to be had.
<br>
<br>
We heard there was some very good LSD just arrived, and each duly took a single tablet. An hour later, as nothing was happening, we bought another two and swallowed them.
<br>
<br>
This is of course highly illogical, and risky….if after an hour the stuff is showing no effect it MAY be because it’s not LSD, but it may also be because it can take over an hour to start to show any effect anyway. It depends on what’s in the digestive tract and when and what was last eaten…..so it’s more sensible to wait. If after two hours there’s no effect, it’d be a waste of money taking more, as it clearly ‘doesn’t work’, you’ve purchased some ersatz LSD,….but if after only an hour you take another dose, you risk having taken a double dose of something of unknown potency…..and this was in fact exactly we had unwittingly done! The obvious solution to this is, if you think the supply is probably good but momentary, buy 2 doses, but wait 2 hours between using….
<br>
<br>
It turned out that, as we’d been told, this was indeed very strong LSD…..
<br>
<br>
Initially I thought all was well….we walked back to the house, where Caro must have been still living in the flat, and the snow was a magical sea of lime-green rippling waves. We sang a silly song about walking on the icing of a Christmas cake while walking beneath the spreading chestnut trees along an avenue leading to Midsummer Common, which bounded the river...all seemed love and light. 'Twas not to last….as we approached the parental home, my apprehension began to mount.
<br>
<br>
How on earth was I going to deal with talking normally with parents or siblings? I felt a mounting panic arising, but it was way below zero so we needed to find cover….luckily we got up to my room at the back of the house without incident.
<br>
<br>
I lit the small gas fire, and we both got as close as we could to the little glow of heat that was doing battle with the breath-condensing chill in the room.
<br>
<br>
I became aware of a distant drumming….it was coming from somewhere not of this world. And it was not coming through the usual channel either. That is, I could still hear the fire hissing, and make out what Caro was saying, but it was as if another channel was being gradually turned up.
<br>
<br>
I realised this somehow menacing deep thrumming was some kind of background signal generated by the cosmos itself, or by the whirling atoms, neutrons and electrons which make up matter. I was becoming aware of sensory signals I’d never guessed existed. This auditory dimension was in addition to the strange shimmering we’d noticed as a luminescent acid-green overlay on the snow.
<br>
<br>
Soon, to my consternation, the room started to be invaded by wild flows of strange small geometric signs, zig-zag lines, dots, and symbols I’d not come across before. They were erupting from somewhere, directly into my visual field, and the background drumming was building, building…...along with the sense of menace. This was unlike anything I’d ever imagined possible….my sense of control was seriously under threat, there was something wholly alien about the sensations I was feeling, and now an overwhelming, surging tsunami of swirling, blazing bright fractals had taken over my open- eyed visual field, and the unexpectedly sudden emergence of dangerously entrancing multi-dimensional geometric crystalline objects, whispering to me in inhuman voices, threatening the very existence of the soul I now feared was actually, against the underlying remains of old belief systems, indeed at the centre of this shred of organic matter which was my body and brain.
<br>
<br>
This visual display wasn’t something I could turn down, turn off, or ignore….it had by now replaced the normal outer reality of the Owl room completely, and I couldn’t see Caro, or my own body or the familiar room at all. With eyes shut, it was the same as with them open! <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">With eyes shut, it was the same as with them open!</div></div>
<br>
<br>
‘I’ seemed to flash into a state of suspension, looking down to deep troughs in the shifting, rippling surface of the 4 dimensional fractal seas…..the vast, interdimensional wave was still building though, beyond and above my detached floating eye, while below me the surface receded into a vertiginous Abyss. The top of the wave was towering somewhere way above the ethereal eye that was ‘I’, threatening to crash over and smash my miraculous (fragile) point of awareness so I would have nothing left with which to identify.
<br>
<br>
Next moment it would all change instantly, and I’d be confronted with a group of the dancing crystal objects, who, if I looked closer at some of the iridescent alien detail of their surfaces, would suck me in to a mental maze, questions would loom in my inner soul, undreamed of by the philosophers, the surface detail proving to be another fractal gateway leading ever deeper.
<br>
<br>
Then, the wild, highly coloured imagery receded, temporarily, and I found I was standing in the middle of the room, looking into the full length mirror...I realised I looked very strange….wild eyed, staring, and as I looked, I started to feel increasingly different…..firstly this was internal….I realised there seemed to be a stream of bits of information which I saw spiralling away into the visionary abyss….this I realised was bits of my personal identity...my memories of who, and what I was, memories of my life to this date, my very identity was being stripped away by the irresistible unknown.
<br>
<br>
I despairingly realised I was powerless to stop this terrifying process of disintegration. It made no difference whether my eyes were open or shut, the heaving sea of alien patterning was always in vision now…... I saw to my horror that the process was being repeated to my physical form...starting with what I could see in the mirror, I was confronted with the unlovely vision of my flesh being stripped away from my bones, my arms and legs floating away, in pieces, the bones separating out, becoming part of the re-surfacing fractal storm….I sensed my now bare bones becoming pulled into the maelstrom….
<br>
<br>
I was no more, I had been absorbed totally, meaning meant nothing, nothing at all. I was lost, and as far as I was capable of still formulating such a thought, I had given up hope of ever getting back to my familiar life.
<br>
<br>
Was I in fact dying, or already dead?
<br>
<br>
An atom of awareness which was left after everything which made up the identity I thought of as myself was sucked up in a current of relentless power….the fractal storm receded, and I have a sense, now, of this central spark being whisked away in a corridor of force... Away from the earth, seeing the solar system becoming vanishingly small, the Milky Way becoming a toy galaxy, ever accelerating toward a heart of darkness….honestly, this terminal stage is difficult to be at all sure of, memory is strained to the limit, I know (from Caro) that in the physical, familiar reality, I was apparently huddled in a foetal ball up against the corner of the room, on the bed, perhaps vainly wishing and hoping, in the odd lucid moment (if I even had any...I certainly don’t remember any) that if I could do what I was in the habit of doing in the bed, sleeping, I could escape this terrifying nightmare. Vain hope...
<br>
<br>
I have since felt I came into the orbit of a presence of some vast power and intelligence, not hostile, probably indifferent to my fruit-fly-like presence….but as I have said, I can’t be certain that this isn’t a construct I applied to the experience….though it is contemporaneous. I must have stayed in that state for many more hours, but any further developments are a total blank. Recently I talked with a Slovac writer who described a vision she’d had on a shaman supervised Ayahuasca session in Peru, and though her experience was far less menacing and terrifying, the ultimate central image she described rang a bell…..and recalled a tiny fragment of this blank period of my LSD inter-dimensional voyage
<br>
<br>
Ultimately, after about 12 hours, I found myself back in the Owl room, where Caro was still with me, she seemingly in perfectly good shape. I’d been sick during the night.
<br>
<br>
Something else happened during that session which she has always refused to reveal…..
<br>
<br>
I was completely basculated, lost at sea, for months. I seemed easily able to think simultaneously in multiple different directions, or different levels, slipping into deep contemplation on the meaning of meaning, the origin of consciousness, the evolutionary impulse, time, space, the ‘spirit’ reincarnation, all the imponderables.
<br>
<br>
The ‘real world’ I’d come back to seemed now to be thin gruel, a colourless kindergarten construct of a possible other- dimensional reality which I didn’t understand, but which seemed to underlie the quotidian consensual rote reality we are normally accustomed to.
<br>
<br>
Everyday transactions seemed to be a shadow-show to keep the sleepwalking bit players, my fellow Britons, indeed the whole global human population, occupied and above all, not asking difficult, serious existential questions, or rocking the boat. I felt a vast rift between the quotidian newspaper reality of global politics and the world of this recently glimpsed other reality. The inner Reality’ had it’s own ‘political agenda’ which I was still accessing to a certain extent.
<br>
<br>
I didn’t have any sense that this unfortunate consensual reality level state was the result of any sort of deliberate action by any human group or agency, but simply that we had, en masse, ‘lost our way’, slipped into a sort of sleepwalking dream-state, we were blindly living a fraction of our potential, and creating legislation which would ensure that we would never have the opportunity to develop methods and institutions which would allow us to correct this blinkered shuffling toward the Abyss.
<br>
<br>
It was only six years since we, as a family, had lived through the incredibly tense days of the Cuban missile crisis, when the world stood on the brink of all-out nuclear war. This had certainly profoundly affected me (it was around the time I took the 11+) and doubtless anyone who had been glued to the rolling radio coverage, and seen the grim monochrome images of missile laden Russian ships steaming towards the island of Cuba, and the aerial footage taken by spy-plane in the upper atmosphere of the Russian missile silos already installed on the island.
<br>
<br>
This gratuitous flirtation with the Angel of Planetary Death had done little to convince anyone that “everything is under control” and “Business as usual.” It had brought home to humanity just what a dangerous situation it had created for itself, and this shadow in the collective unconscious must have had a negative effect on countless experiments with, in particular, LSD, Life’s Secret Doorway.
<br>
<br>
The uninitiated may imagine that these entheogenic drugs are ‘escapist’, but in fact you can’t escape your own fully justified fears, be they relentlessly thrust below the normal surface of waking awareness…..they are there, under the surface, like monstrous sharks. This sort of semi-submerged fear is quite enough to distort a psychedelic experience from ‘heaven’ to its opposite, or so I rationalised many years later.
<br>
<br>
For now, I was suffering the raw psychological wounds of the aftermath of a profoundly heavy-duty full-blown LSD induced Shamanic initiatory experience, a major Mystical vision of the greater design, while having had no prior knowledge of the existence of such a thing, and of course no preparation for it.
<br>
<br>
Things were very difficult for some months, then I found the old patterns of dealing with the everyday world resurfacing. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">Things were very difficult for some months, then I found the old patterns of dealing with the everyday world resurfacing.</div></div> I seemed to be processing the alien experience and life became less difficult to cope with. I learned to file the memory away somewhere, not to try and forget it, but so I could see the consensual world, with its responsibilities, duties, social niceties and all the familiar stuff without having the Otherworld and its mysteries (and worrying sense of urgency) overlaying the front of my mind and confusing things.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 1969</td><td width="90">ExpID: 115635</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 17</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Dec 20, 2021</td><td>Views: 1,399</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=115635&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=115635&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Mystical Experiences (9), Hangover / Days After (46), Difficult Experiences (5), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">65 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I knew there was more to the substance than what I had experienced with it in the past in moderate doses I took but I never imagined it could go to the extent which it did when I attempted a heavy dose. I underestimated its potential, thinking that the chemical just doesn't affect my system that hard, as both my girlfriend and two friends of mine took 1 tab and felt strong effects but I took the same and barely felt anything.
<br>
<br>
I've studied and researched the ins and outs of psychedelics and so I thought I had sufficient knowledge of the effects and adequate training in how to deal with a difficult situation whilst under its influence <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I thought I had sufficient knowledge of the effects and adequate training in how to deal with a difficult situation whilst under its influence</div></div> but I've never been more wrong. Psychedelics in high doses are extremely unpredictable and one can never be prepared for what they have to show you.
<br>
<br>
Despite my research, my ego lead me into being courageously stupid enough to take 3 tabs and boy was I humbled because of it.
<br>
<br>
THE TRIP.
<br>
<br>
It was in the early morning of the 4th of January 2017 that I went about on a psychedelic journey that would temporarily change my perception of reality. At precisely 8:00AM I placed the small cardboard blocks drenched in the infamous Lysergic Acid Diethyl-amide, underneath my tongue, unprepared for what I was about to experience.
<br>
<br>
As quickly as 10 minutes after taking it I already started feeling the initial effects. Walking to the gate to open for my girlfriend I felt the huge bursts of pure raw energy flowing through my body. My skin felt alien as a crazy electric tingling sensation went through it. It felt as if I was being reborn into my body.
<br>
<br>
25 minutes in and the mental effects started to manifest. My thoughts started speeding up, going faster through my head as each minute went by. It was at the same time that visual distortions became evident. The writing displayed on the screen of the television in front of me began to shift, moving left and right and up and down in a slow and clear motion. As the curtains and walls on my left and right began to start warping in my much more enhanced peripheral vision, the music playing started sounding more echoey and wider, the ambience of the way it sounded amplified the pleasure and euphoria of listening to music by a huge factor.
<br>
<br>
40 minutes had now passed from time of dosage and past memories and new concepts were flying throughout my head in all directions at an extreme pace.
<br>
<br>
The level of intensity continued to rise as I noticed myself taking a completely new perspective on every thought I had that I had already previously thought about in a past sober state. I went to the kitchen to make breakfast however when I got there I was distracted by the river-like flowing woodgrain of the cupboard doors surrounding me. I had begun the journey of transitioning from every day reality to another dimension where time is but an illusion and the lines separating what we perceive as different objects and entities are blurred.
<br>
<br>
I then giggled in delight as I observed the delayed trails created by the whisking of eggs in a bowl using a fork. It seemed as if each frame of motion lasted 3 seconds longer than it was supposed to.
<br>
<br>
Unable to process what was going on in the real world, I realized I was incapable of frying the eggs myself and so requested my girlfriend assist me. After she had scrambled the eggs and made it into a sandwich. I observed the shaking like motion of the pieces of egg and thus realized I had no appetite.
<br>
<br>
1 hour in and the further time stamps in this story now become both impossible to determine and irrelevant as my perception of time became more and more distorted at a rapid rate.
<br>
<br>
I then decided to take out the picture container and look through some of my old family pictures with my girlfriend. Observing the photographs evoked different emotions with each picture in a bipolar manner. One memory brought feelings of sadness and regret to the surface and another minutes later induced bursts of uncontrollable laughter. The visuals started becoming near blinding in that I was unable to identify people in pictures as the faces distorted and morphed into strange droopy looking shapes.
<br>
<br>
After going through pictures I laid down on the carpet as my consciousness continued to expand exponentially. The usually snow white ceiling was now fully covered in hundreds of overlapping 2D cylindrical shapes. I watched in awe as the identical multicolored shapes continued to pile up and form over each other, covering every square inch on the surface area of the ceiling, leaving no space blank.
<br>
<br>
We then went to my room where I spiraled more and more into insanity. Thinking thoughts and then forgetting what I was thinking just after I thought them. Words became more and more difficult to string together into sentences as I would time after time lose my train of thought mid sentence, unable to recall what I just said.
<br>
<br>
I suggested we listen to some relaxing music to ease my mind however my rapidly flowing thoughts and jittery body load prevented me from staying still and in one place for more than a couple of seconds. Time slowed down more as the trip progressed. A sober person's seconds were now turning into hours in my psychedelic world. I was extremely hyper and out of control as I wandered back and forth through rooms in my house with no real objective. I looked down at the ground as we left my room after being in there for a very brief period. For a moment the hallucinations were kaleidoscopic, it looked as if I had 6 feet on each leg, a foot for every 60 degrees within the 360 around my body, the hallucinations now becoming more and more intricately detailed and vivid.
<br>
<br>
I spent more time being taken by the incredible open eye visuals around me and on my arms and hands. My girlfriend's face had what looked like ancient text and tribal patterns tattooed on her skin but flowing in a circular motion, the whole experience felt very traditional and primitive. Amidst those markings her face would often morph into what resembled a carbon copy of mine but in a girl version. I saw me in her and her and me, at the time convinced that there was no her but we were all of the same soul making us no different from each other.
<br>
<br>
Sitting on the couch feeling hyper connected to everything around me, I had a full blown epiphany that life didn't have a point and understanding that crazy perceived truth drove me insane. I viewed human existence, earth and our universe itself as a tiny cosmic giggle that meant nothing in the grand scope of the multiverse.
<br>
<br>
I decided to go outside and explore the new psychedelic world that my garden had been transformed into. The nature surrounding me was extremely bright with vivid colours, visually it looked as if I was apart of an eye catching energetic masterpiece of a painting, where all the different illuminating colours were incredibly defined yet simultaneously melted into one another.
<br>
<br>
At this point the trip was extremely intense, the powerful psychedelic state I was in had me incredibly suggestible and easy influenced. This allowed a subtle mentioning of my swimming pool from my girlfriend to cause me to quickly strip down to my underwear and enthusiastically run towards the pool and dive in without any hesitation. The delusions in my head lead me into believing if I didn't swim with my girlfriend today as I had earlier promised, then I would be an untrustworthy liar to her and she would never see me in a good light ever again. With that irrational reasoning, I was head first into the water with my spontaneous eagerness shocking my girlfriend. I ecstatically called her to come join me as I swam yet it felt more like flying as I soared through the depths of universal awareness. Whilst waiting impatiently for her to change and get in I noticed the water on my skin however I didn't feel much as my awareness escaped from the confines of my human body and Instead was drifting through the air.
<br>
<br>
Somewhere within that moment I realized that I was the entire universe and the entire universe was me, our bodies are just shells we temporarily inhabit for 1 lifetime long experience of viewing things from 1 specific perspective.
<br>
<br>
It became crystal clear that whatever we did in the shape of these vessels we take charge of, actually had no real impact on the universe at all.
<br>
<br>
My ego was dissolving at a rapid rate to the point where I didn't know who and what my personality was yet there was a tiny piece of my perceived identity left that I used every last power and energy in my fiber to grab and hold on to. I was terrified of letting go and dying. Losing your sense of self and having your conscious leave your body to become part of the awareness that is the universe itself can feel exactly like physical death, because it basically is.
<br>
<br>
Is you exiting the limitations of your human body to join the cosmos of existence not essentially death itself? Well I suppose the only difference is that with an ego death on psychedelics you get to return to your body afterwards, with real death you don't (at least we don't know so for sure).
<br>
<br>
I was thus scared of letting go and dying as instinctively and naturally as one would be. It's instinctive to fight for your life and instilled in your mind being from a society and era where we're all after control and afraid of what we don't know, we're terrified of losing ourselves and the individual world we've each created around us that we think we know.
<br>
<br>
With a psychedelic dose as heavy as mine, control in that situation is non existent. Terrified of dying I fought the hardest I'd ever fought to grasp on to the tiny trace of my identity that remained. Had my ego completely dissolved without me having anything left to hold on to, then I would have had no choice but to be shot straight into ego death and experience the bliss of just being pure awareness. However instead I held on which turned the most profound, enlightening and spiritually awakening moment of my life, into also the most paranoid frightening traumatic experience of my life. I was convinced I had lost my mind, having gone absolutely bonkers and would never ever be the same again completely forgetting that I even took a drug, I thought I was stuck in a loop of pointless existence forever and that even death wouldn't end the hellish nightmare I was trapped in. However eventually I slowly started retuning to a sober state as my consciousness returned to my body. It felt as if who I was and all my memories and traits and abilities were being reloaded into my brain and body. It was if life was all a game and I was now being reprogrammed after experiencing the hidden truth and source code behind the simulation that is life. The visuals still lingered with every surface being filled with tribal patterns. As they faded out into the night, I reflected on an incredible heaven and hell of an infinite journey I had went on and what it had taught me. My life would never be the same, whether I liked it or not. I believe I'll start the next one on a fresh clean slate but for at least the rest of this perceived lifetime, my eyes will be forever open and my soul awakened. I wouldn't want to have my perception and philosophies on life solely dependent on "just a drug experience" but the power of the truth behind this chemical can't be denied.
<br>
<br>
My trip in its entirety was essentially a huge build up to reaching ego death, I felt all my memories disappearing from my mind one by one on this massive journey into the unknown, and I mean a monumentally massive journey. Where each second felt like 20 years and although time was passing rapidly, I experienced it in slow motion, this crazy phenomenal that no one can even begin to wrap their head around unless they currently in that experience right this very moment. There was euphoria in the mysticism of the experience as everything felt magical. The feeling of no longer being a human having a three dimensional experience but instead a universally multidimensional being, having a human experience was just surreal.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2019</td><td width="90">ExpID: 115984</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Not Specified</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jan 21, 2022</td><td>Views: 1,018</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=115984&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=115984&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Mystical Experiences (9), General (1)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 6:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> repeated</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/alcohol/">Alcohol</a></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">120 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
Bad LSD Trip PTSD Cannabis Withdrawal
<br>
<br>
I went to visit a friend the weekend before last, in Wales. I was playing a psytrance set at his new night in the little town he lives in, then a friend drove us to Liverpool for a private psytrance warehouse party. I took two tabs of really strong acid, two different kinds with about 5-7 hours between. I was also pretty drunk and took a little bit of MDMA.
<br>
<br>
Usually, I don't take LSD recreationally... Well I never used to. First time I took it I had a bad trip, thought I was going insane... Took a long time to try it again. Since then I've had many great trips, great insights to my own mind and it has helped me through a lot of shit.
<br>
<br>
Because of this, I became more frivolous about where I when I took it. It was easier to take a little bit with a little bit of alcohol, at parties, just 'for fun'.
<br>
<br>
The trip was actually really good, up until about 3pm the next afternoon when we had to venture into Liverpool city centre then get the train back to Wales. The journey took about 2 hours, two different trains. About half an hour into the first train journey, I started to feel like I was going to have a panic attack. I've had one full-blown once before, after a night of taking ecstacy and a friend getting sexually assaulted in my house. During that, my hands, arms, face and throat went numb, which I now know was due to hyperventilation.
<br>
<br>
So, I couldn't get the fear of this happening again out of my head, and then it started to happen. I was able to keep it to just my hands, took deep breaths and stay ok-ish until we got to Wales. I thought once I got to my friend's house that I would be ok. But I couldn't shake the panicky feeling. I couldn't get to sleep for over 12 hours. My thoughts were getting bad by this point. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I couldn't get to sleep for over 12 hours. My thoughts were getting bad by this point.</div></div> I thought I was dying. I couldn't understand why I was still tripping SO hard.... I thought I was never going to stop. When I finally did get to sleep, I woke up a few hours later feeling even more panicky, heart rate was so fast.... I could hardly breathe. I had to go and lie next to my friend in his bed, and only because of that did I calm down enough to pass out again.
<br>
<br>
When I woke up, I thought I could see blood in my urine. And I was getting abdominal pains. I eventually took myself to the local hospital. It turns out that my urine was just dark from dehydration, but man that SERIOUSLY looked like blood to me.
<br>
<br>
I had to change my flight home to the next day because there was no way I was doing that train journey back to Liverpool again so soon.
<br>
<br>
When I got home, my laptop wouldn't turn on, when all I had wanted to do was lie in bed and watch farscape. Then my 'boyfriend' (we were never really official and the past few weeks have been a headfuck between us) came round, after not really offering much comfort when I told him how I was feeling.... And told me he didn't want to see me anymore. I think if I hadn't taken 10mg of valium before he came round point that I may have broken down completely. (I rarely take valium, a friend gave it to me to help me feel calm.)
<br>
<br>
Since this happened I've smoked a little bit of weed, and it has only seemed to make things worse. I've been a daily smoker pretty much for coming up to ten years now, since I was 13/14. The longest I've gone without a break is 2 weeks.
<br>
<br>
When I finally got on the internet I looked things up about bad trips, and read a shitload about how it can trigger schizophrenia and psychosis. Then the symptoms of these conditions.... And since reading those I have been questioning reality. For a few days I felt like maybe nothing was real. Maybe everything was just a construct of my mind. Or maybe that I died and went to hell. Since last night, I've been having very dark thoughts. You know those weird urges you sometimes get... To do violent and/or crazy things? But that usually just go away as quickly as they come because you know they are crazy? I used to get them sometimes anyway but now that I'm scared of being crazy I seem to be having them uncontrollably. I've even been worrying that if I get worse, I might snap and actually do them. I mean I do not EVER want to hurt anybody, but the fear is there.
<br>
<br>
I have never been so scared.
<br>
<br>
I know that it's probably just a combination of PTSD, reading crap online about LSD and cannabis usage, paranoia, and cannabis withdrawal. And knowing that my great uncle was diagnosed with 'simple schizophrenia', and that it's only been just over a week since the most terrifying experience of my life. But I can't shake the feeling that something isn't right. Also... One of the last times I tripped, after a festival when I was awake for 3 days... As I was finally drifting off to sleep I heard my own voice in my head, a demonic version of it... Telling me that I was going to die. I still don't know if it was just a dream but it scared me a lot.
<br>
<br>
I feel ok on and off.... So I hope that I will be better in a few weeks. I have decided to stop smoking weed completely. It is just not worth the risk. It is hard, because even though it is not physically addictive, I've been using it in pretty much every aspect of my existence for a decade. I smoked to help my bad appetite, I smoked to help my art, I smoked to help my sex drive. Basically the only thing I didnt use it for was to sleep, because it always got my mind racing so much that it would keep me awake.
<br>
<br>
People, please be careful with these substances you put into your body. They are not just harmless fun. And there IS such a thing as TOO MUCH awareness. It got to the point where I actually couldn't stand the sound of my own heartbeat, and the tinnitus that I already have got unbearable. The psytrance I had been listening to all night was still playing in my ears. I couldnt stand the sight of my own reflection. I couldnt stop focusing on my breathing because I was so afraid of not taking deep enough breaths.
<br>
<br>
I have also had muscle twitches when drifting off to sleep, which have now subsided but I've still been getting a twitch in my left shoulder on and off just throughout the days.
<br>
<br>
Truth be told, I have been praying to god. I have been that scared. I was agnostic verging on atheist for a long time. But after this.... I'm so freaked out that I've been thanking god for every moment that I feel sane. I'm very scared of having a flashback as well, even though I've never had one before so I dont know if I am prone to them.
<br>
<br>
I was prescribed SSRIs before this happened, and still havent tried taking them. I basically wanted a few more weeks of partying before going on them. BIG mistake. But now I'm not even sure I wana take them either because the idea of them making me worse for the first few weeks is so terrifying.
<br>
<br>
I love everyone and I do not wish this fear and anxiety on anyone. <!-- Your mind is so precious to ruin by drugs and use them as a crutch. Experiment if you wish, but do not go overboard. Take care of yourself. You are worth so much more. Don't just play with powerful chemicals in order to escape or expand your consciousness, with these promises of enlightenment and 'spiritual healing'. Even if you respect them they could still fuck with you.
<br/>
<br/>
-->I dont think I will ever take psychedelics, cannabis or any other drugs EVER again.
<br>
<br>
P.S.- I am now on day 3 of cannabis withdrawal. Last saturday was the first day in years that I didn't smoke anything, and I felt good. The next day I caved and smoked a few pipes, which only brought my negative thoughts back. I am now having even worse intrusive, violent and negative thoughts but I am doing some reading on how to dispel them. It is hard, and sleeping has still been a problem, though the muscle twitches have mostly subsided.
<br>
<br>
I feel irritable and happy on and off. I feel more talkative. My thoughts are still scattered but I can feel them becoming clearer.
<br>
<br>
I feel like life could be more enjoyable sober than it ever was when I was stoned. I feel like I am waking up, and discovering myself truly. I'm not used to my normal thought processes, I feel a bit scared that I don't know who I am, but I'm willing to find out. I am still scared that I may be insane though.
<br>
<br>
I used to wonder how anyone could go through life NOT being high. Now I am realising how fucking foolish that is. I am coming to understand why people fill their time with seemingly mundane tasks, and why a lot of people are scared to explore and expand their consciousness. I am still all for doing that, but drugs are definitely NOT the solution. They can help, but I used them as the one and only method for way too long. I fear I will never be able to do it on my own, but then there are times when I feel like I could have more will power than most people and maybe it is possible. I just hope that spending 10 years high since I was 13 has not done permanent damage. I just hope that I do not go crazy as I get older and my brain starts to deteriorate.
<br>
<br>
<!-- I plan to write a proper update in about a month or so. -->I hope I do not relapse again, though I honestly do not have any desire to toke atm. Well, I mean I would LIKE to be able to, but I know that it will do me no good.
<br>
<br>
I've thought about cutting off my dreads/combing them out, and getting rid of everything in my room that reminds me of my stoner life. But I still love my dreads, I think I am just still in a place where everything reminds me of it. Getting rid of these things may not even help. So I'm going to just try to be strong.
<br>
<br>
I am having my birthday celebrations this weekend, I plan to have a couple of drinks but I'm even a bit scared to do that. I will just have to have self control and if I feel it makes me worse I will stop drinking and just focus on chatting to my friends. I may not even drink anything at all, I'll see how it goes.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2011</td><td width="90">ExpID: 93250</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 23</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jan 22, 2022</td><td>Views: 969</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=93250&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=93250&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Combinations (3), Post Trip Problems (8), Multi-Day Experience (13), Bad Trips (6), Rave / Dance Event (18)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.5 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.5 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">49 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
Death in an Acid Trip
<br>
<br>
*Mindset*
<br>
Heartbroken + sad. I wanted to see the soft colours that I saw during my previous and first acid trip (quarter-half a 50 ug tab). My ex and I broke up a week before, and I hadn't begun to deal with how abusive the relationship was or how dependent I was and still wanted to be. In the back of my mind I just wanted to go to sleep. Sunset was nearing, the colours were already soft, but I refused my true desire to just sleep and submitted to abusive behaviour on my self.
<br>
<br>
*Setting*
<br>
My bedroom with high ceilings, and objects that were simply there to decorate the space (which still felt empty). Awful blue carpet. Ultimately the setting was my home, a sharehouse on a busy street. 4000 trucks a day passed by my window. I had absolutely no privacy or peace of mind. My girl housemate would enter my room without knocking and depended on me to look after her when she drank and had psychotic attacks. I was her only friend but she still read my diaries and stole money and things from my room. I was not comfortable around my housemates or in my home.
<br>
<br>
*Dosage*
<br>
Initially I cut half a tab of internet-bought 75 ug acid. There was no effect after 30 minutes so I ate the other half and licked the plastic pink zigzag scissors. 1 hour later, still no effect, so I tore a full tab and consumed it. All in all, approx 150 ug in a 1.5 hour timespan.
<br>
<br>
The physical effect began 5 minutes after the second tab. My body felt nauseous and I found I was not breathing with ease. Something heavy pressed on my lungs. The pressure and the nausea was a forewarning that a rough ride was ahead so I changed into something all purpose, took off a suffocating bra and texted my ex to come immediately as I felt no one else was experienced enough that was in close proximity (20 minutes drive at most or nearby) that would be adequate in being there for me in the acid state that was to come.
<br>
<br>
Fortunately the fucker came. Playing with my mind for the rest of the trip aside (which has caused some PTSD damage) and taking advantage of my body and state of mind aside, if it weren't for him I would have played a trick on myself and jumped in front of the traffic, I was completely gone.
<br>
<br>
* Below is my account *
<br>
<br>
Taken only one. Waiting for it to start. So I could see the colours differently, so that I could appreciate. I was hopeful.
<br>
An hour after, I am still normal. I decide to lick the zig zag edges of the pink plastic scissors and tear off another. I need to get out of this resistance. My mind says don't okay, you'll feel better if you just go to sleep. Forget about the pain. Everything will be better. But I'm difficult and unhappy.
<br>
<br>
I am falling and I know because I nag my housemate to do the dishes and laugh at how much I really don't care. Something in me is happiness but I feel sick at myself. Inside my room, I lay down finding it hard to breathe. Turning, asking for help, and in turn girl housemate says she 'won't be around all night'.
<br>
<br>
I quickly find my phone and text the only person I know who knows what it's like and who I know will be there. I still can't breathe and my legs feel cold so I attempt to take off my bra before I know it will descend into too late and I won't be able to do it. It is a tight, suffocating material, one without clamps and when I finally pull it off I change dresses into something warmer and all purpose. My blue velvet dress which as I slip my arms up into it reminds me of the ocean and the heaviness of the dark calm protecting me.
<br>
<br>
When he comes, we sit on the soft grass at the end of the backyard. I can hear colours and I can see the sun starting to set-something it has been doing for the past however many hours. A heaviness creeps up around my chest and weighs down my lungs. I have to stay calm. There are orange, green, yellow and blue tennis balls that children have thrown across fence. One falls near us.
<br>
<br>
His skin and eyes a skeleton, a sickened body. I hear children laughing from everywhere, I feel the warmth and don't want it to fade. I start running to the house but it is different. No one is there. I have to use the bathroom but I don't want to be loud and am unsure of where everyone is. I go to the front of the house and outside again but my brain is only registering some parts of my shifting from place to place.
<br>
<br>
My brain hurts and it feels like it is dying or parts of it are. The dishes are done but the kitchen is dirty. We go outside. To calm down. We go back in and the pale programmer Canadian boy housemate is playing his music that is bass and hate and ugly grind and it is loud I tell him it's shit, it's shit, it's shit!! I run away from them and their bad music. I return with the tide before I can remember, and they are in the living room, watching the news about a lifesaver saving someone. I can't stand the way the tv is talking to me so I ask them to turn it off before pulling the plug.
<br>
<br>
Inside my room my ex and I kiss but he hesitates and I can tell it is an act. I tell him I love him. And I call him my darling. And he holds me tight. Says I am okay. I'm finding it hard to breathe. My hands push him away and my mind tries to make sense of how bright it is when I continue running around the house.
<br>
<br>
When I return to my room, I can hear the hospital and paramedics trying to revive me. I say I will breathe and I will be back again and real. I breathe as deeply as I can. I need to call my mum otherwise I know I am dead. He asks what is real and what is dead? Come on, does it matter?
<br>
<br>
I scream for someone to call an ambulance but no one does. I accept that it is only my consciousness that remains, desperately trying to find something to hold onto, something real. I open the windows wide and screamed at people parked in their cars 'are you real?? Am I real?' and they all just simply look at me. I hear him telling my housemates again that this is all part of the normal reactions and that an ambulance will only make it worse. I feel his voice and the words he says are part of a game put on for me. It freaks me out that they listen and go back to the living room. It is worse that when I find and hold the phone in my hand it lengthens. When my ex sees the phone, he tries to take it off me. I scream and wrestle to have it back, kicking him until it is thrown across the room. I find her number and call. He asks me to promise him I will be calm. I say I promise. As soon as I hear my mum's voice which sounds so far away but next to me I start screaming that I think I am dying and that I need an ambulance. She reacts calmly and I yell I am scared and I need her and I need an ambulance now. My ex grabs the phone and explains what is happening. It ends on that he will look after me and everything will be okay and I presume he hangs up on her. This scares me so much because I feel I am actually dead and that the action of him ending the call to my mum affirms I am not real anymore. I begin to panic as my ex's eyes do not change but his body changes - widens and warps, and my location changes, I run up and down the halls. His words are repeating 'what is real?' and his face is that of understanding. My housemates were not in the living room when I went back.
<br>
<br>
For however long it was, I presume about 20 minutes, I strongly believed that my ex boyfriend was the only thing left that I was talking to and that I was not real anymore. That I was dead. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I strongly believed that my ex boyfriend was the only thing left that I was talking to and that I was not real anymore. That I was dead.</div></div> This was the most horrific part of the trip. I was running up and down my house and my ex would follow me and say things that affirmed my suspicions that I was actually dead - for example, that there is no such thing as physical reality, we are all only energy, that he isn't real and I might not be real and who is to say we are real. I felt really light-bodied and didn't feel connected to anything but to the acceptance that I was dead and none of it was real.
<br>
<br>
(+1hr after the acid started taking effect)
<br>
So I decided to smash this theory and walk outside. Which surprised him. I walk outside and notice that there are no cars on the road and that every vehicle parked is facing the left. It is extremely strange that there are no cars on this busy road, not even in the distance. But after he says yes, that is strange, some cars pass.
<br>
<br>
So we go for a walk because I don't want to be anywhere near this unmoving house. We decide to leave without shoes and the pavement is warm. Turning the glass in my hand (I was drinking a lot of water), I wonder if it's real. I decide to throw it hard, right out front the apartment building on the corner. I want to see if it will smash into thousands of tiny glass pieces like it's meant to. It makes a beautiful sound and with it my ex is again, surprised. He starts to worry or realise that this will be more intense than he expected. If he wasn't there I'd walk in front of the traffic. But he holds my hand, holds me back.
<br>
<br>
We walk down the street to town and I start knocking on peoples doors to see if they are real, how they will react. I knock on a door that has a do not knock sticker on it. I pass this house everyday. A large Vietnamese burnt sienna coloured house. I knock so insistently and when the door opens I demand a glass of water. After a long while a younger guy opens the door again and gives me a red plastic coca cola cup filled with water which I keep and refill at a tap I've never seen before that my ex pointed out, at the orthodontists.
<br>
<br>
A blonde office worker holds weeds as she crosses the road in front of us and I ask her why. She says it's bunny food. And I say to her that I would never feed a bunny that. We turn a street and I want to be naked to see how people react. If their reactions are real. But my ex convinces me not to. And I agree. Instead, I ask the man coming towards us if he is real. He looks like he's done 'some heavy shit' and is understanding and sympathetic. He said I look too young to be using. My favourite flowers near my ex's house are almost dead but that doesn't stop me from putting my face to them, kissing them, closing my eyes to them and breathing. I calm from being at his house. From being held by my only mama - who came as we were lying in my ex's bed breathing to rainforest music.
<br>
<br>
I am my centre but she is my world.
<br>
<br>
Driving to my wilderness home. Both of my hands are holding theirs. The GPS map changes streets in front of my eyes. Streets I have never seen before. Changing seamlessly when I look. It is quite freaky to see but I also think kind of cool. We laugh in the car when I ask if it is real, and my mama says of course it is not.
<br>
<br>
Looking out the window, I see many small white planes with propellers at the front on fire and about to crash. I tell my ex I am scared of the planes. He asks me very gently if I think they will be okay. I say yes, and they continue on flying and he says, 'see, it's okay' with a kind smile and a squeeze of the hand. The whole trip I had no idea where we were, I didn't recognise the usual streets.
<br>
<br>
After everyone went to sleep, including my visiting family from out of town who did not see me in my coming down state, my ex and I went to the kitchen to eat grapes and then outside to see the sky. All the stars were so much more visible, my eyes wide apertures. I thought I could feel the trees being tired and disapproving of me questioning if it was all real. Like they were too concerned with something else to deal with my nonsense. I received the same feeling from my feline. He was very nonchalant.
<br>
<br>
In my bedroom my ex and I inevitably had sex. After forcing kisses on him earlier, and from having been together for a couple of years, it seemed natural to kiss and hold each other. I didn't want to have sex with him at all because my body was raw from exhaustion, my heartbeat still super fast, and my breathing quick because I still thought I wouldn't keep breathing by myself if I didn't consciously take every deep or shallow breath. My breathing was conscious during the entire trip as I found it hard to breath initially, then I breathed to support my life. My ex kept insisting and I gave in because the way my body felt reminded me of something magical - sensual senses are heightened - but I quickly was reminded that it wasn't something I felt comfortable with when he began porn sex and my heart felt it couldn't take it.
<br>
<br>
He wanted to go to sleep and I couldn't sleep until I walked to the window facing east and saw the beginning of life. Sunlight through the leaves and the familiar bird songs and the rumble of my belly. And I went to sleep.
<br>
<br>
*
<br>
<br>
Note. For months afterwards I have had flashbacks and I recognise symptoms of PTSD in me. I have seen a burning object in the sky moving steadily towards the city. And have read a news story the next day that many other people thought it was a burning plane with no explanation for this event given by authorities. Other small coincidences have occurred that flashed me back to feeling that I wasn't real and induce a state of panic.
<br>
<br>
I have reconciled that there is a lot I have yet to know and understand and kick myself for taking something that has cheated me from having natural slow spiritual learning. Because almost every new learning experience is tainted with my doubts and terrifying experience that I wasn't ready for.
<br>
<br>
Hopefully I can move past this. I think I already have.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2012</td><td width="90">ExpID: 97641</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 21</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jan 24, 2022</td><td>Views: 1,178</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=97641&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=97641&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Sex Discussion (14), Relationships (44), Bad Trips (6), Various (28)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:15</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">½ hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> repeated</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">inhaled</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/nitrous/">Nitrous Oxide</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
My partner and I decided to take our first LSD trip together. We took one tab each at around 6pm, I kept mine on my tongue for about 15 minutes before it turned completely soggy and disintegrated.
<br>
<br>
After about another 15-30 minutes my body started to feel strange, strange twisty tingly sensations in my skin and laughing/giggling when I wouldn’t normally. A very positive feeling of happiness and carefree ease. We had taken it during the course of the evening, so the room was dark and we had on a coloured light which we could change colour, it lit up the room nicely, some spot lights in the corners of the room, a small laptop and tv displaying some visuals in the background. We had put together a playlist of songs we thought we would enjoy on our trip.
<br>
<br>
We did a few balloons and the strange feeling after a nitrous high seemed to be lasting longer than usual this is when we knew our trip was beginning <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">the strange feeling after a nitrous high seemed to be lasting longer than usual this is when we knew our trip was beginning</div></div>. Textures started feeling weird and more intense against our hands, and they seemed to dance slightly. Body temperature was somewhat comfortable, we were feeling warmer than usual. An hour or so in we decided to up the dose, splitting half of another tab. After a short while we thought we’d take a walk outside. We couldn’t control our smiling, and just kept our heads down as we walked out and down the roadside, it wasn’t too late, people were still out, children with their parents. Smiling and talking very happily, I would catch myself after minutes of smiling too intensely, realising people are noticing that we were tripping. Direction was becoming hard to navigate, short term memory loss, at one point we stop and I feel completely lost, like I was never gonna find my way home again, pure horror, even though we had just walked a block down, we look up and see the sign of our hotel, reassured I say let's go home.
<br>
<br>
We start walking, my partner has to pull me towards him as I'm not realising that I'm almost walking into people. We get closer and we think maybe we can go back to a bench and sit for a while, try and enjoy the outdoors. We sit, completely disconnected from the world staring into space, and it's like the way everything was happening was so erratic, one second were sat there and then the next two hobos suddenly appear walking slowly towards us, one of them, he's African with dreadlocks, and stops in front of us, gets real close, shakes our hands and strikes a conversation with my partner as to why he hasn’t married me yet. That whole duration my mind kept shifting between “this is quite amusing, he's just bored he will leave soon”, and “this guys gonna mug us and then kill us”, I felt very scared and unsafe, I lost all balance of where I was and I kept looking over to my partner who seemed so comfortable in the situation. I knew our trip wasn't in full force yet and this could get seriously worse. The homeless man kept talking, and I don’t know how we managed it, but we eventually got back into the hotel room. The corridors were very trippy, chequered style carpeting, I started dancing around a few times, all the while talking about sitting on that bench and how afraid I was. I felt much safer and happier when I was in my own space again.
<br>
<br>
We had brought with us lots of paper and coloured pens. This was probably one of the best ideas for the trip. There was an abstract painting on the wall of a building in our room and all of a sudden it just started making sense to us. Abstract art was amazing. The colours, shapes, perspective. Surely these artists must've been tripping balls all the while. Visuals got much stronger. Staring at my partner's face, he was so clear but everything else around him glistened and glowed like on a totally different dimension photoshopped in. The world looked so strange from our window, watching people walk by down the road, mindlessness, in a robotic trance.
<br>
<br>
The colours from the pens changed by every stroke, a whole spectrum of one colour per line, it felt so good to draw; the pressure of the pen on paper and following it with your eyes felt so fulfilling. You couldn’t concentrate for too long on one thing though. Everything we did, I had such strong urges to write it down like “it took us so long to turn the speaker on”. Technology does not work with us on LSD. Our minds just completely refused to cooperate and understand what was going on, the mouse took forever to move and click. The whole idea of pen lids seemed so stupid. Packaging, there was 0% patience to open a box of chocolate properly, we didn’t understand why we needed so many lids, all we wanted to do was colour. Doritos (nachos) was a new found love, the crunch, my partner expressed how every time I chewed I expressed myself so genuinely “THIS IS AMAAAAAAAAZING” over and over again. It truly was, and the salsa dip, the different temperatures and textures, blew my head off. I could feel the textures and crunch inside my brain, it was amazing. I wish we had more textures and flavours to test out.
<br>
<br>
Nitrous oxide on LSD for me was such a profound experience. As our trip got crazier, the “trip” on the balloons did too. We did balloons on songs and the visuals were just mind blowing. Patterns that revolved and the way they centred themselves in front of our eyes and then inside of our minds and souls, endless spirals, round and round, they spun endlessly. I felt such a connection like we spun with them too. I saw some specific colours over and over like blue, orange, pink and green which I ran to a piece of paper to write down because they felt so significant to me. Green was an overall colour I saw and felt everywhere, I knew it was my friend, I found comfort in it. Each spiral defined itself. Represented us in a way that we realised that it was us, we were these spirals, we were staring into this mirror of ourselves. We then decided to draw while doing a balloon. Pens in hand, every visual, and endless spiral spinning round and around our whole being was pulled into drawing intricate lines so small then gradually we would repeat it, and repeat the same pattern, slowly getting bigger. This was an endless motion of picking another colour, drawing another line, picking another colour, drawing another line, they got bigger that they spread over the page. One particular balloon, as we entered this robotic trance, I glanced up at my partner and the information my brain could decipher at that point was that it was as though we were puppets being controlled by an extra-terrestrial force, like a scene from a movie, that’s what we looked like, and it was complete madness, that if anyone was to see that from an outside perspective we would be locked up in a padded room. We drew these patterns and spirals over and over. We would start in one corner and then our patterns and lines would collide and it'd become one big picture.
<br>
<br>
I kept repeating “an idea of an idea of an idea”. We would sit and talk so intensely about these spirals and feelings, and how much of what we've ever known about life and religion just seemed to fit around that state perfectly and made so much sense to us. I gained a new dimension of perspective of life of where we’ve come from. I heard a consistent hum, I felt it to be the hum of the universe. I felt warm, so pure, so ethereal, that warm blanket spreading over me. This was a bliss, an understanding of our inner spirals, how we eventually become one big spiral from a distance that is unimaginable. This feeling of how a fetus would feel in a womb, protected, serene and full of hope. These spirals that the universe gave birth too, and if we were to look beyond this life that we created ourselves from our ideas, we would find ourselves in this hum, in this echoed purity. It felt as though every time I did a balloon it was a future me sending the current me a message <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">It felt as though every time I did a balloon it was a future me sending the current me a message</div></div>; on one particular page I have written “we are pure, I hope that’s enough”. The idea of an idea; these spirals which consistently warm around one another, releasing energy, echoing an idea which another spiral will take into its own, and repeat it to the others. That disgusting doubt we have about ourselves about how ugly we are and we convince ourselves we are worthless was gone in those moments and I felt my significance. Over thousands of years, we’ve only echoed each other cos that’s how we've always felt comfortable.
<br>
<br>
Watching TV, we noticed how everything is so precisely scripted and constructed. From the way we look, from thinking that making a certain facial expression would look good, to how someone should react to a certain situation. I could not stop laughing. We kept saying “this is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen” and really it was. Our lives have been built around a construction of someone else’s idea, and so on. Nothing is original, and everything is so petty and meaningless. Forever stuck in these traps we’ve made for humanity. Yet our spirals still spin endlessly, the universe keeps expanding. The shapes I saw makes so much sense, what seemed like just a circle at the beginning in my mind beating, turned into the shape of a tear drop which spun in the endless spiral. This tear drop shape. We see it everywhere. The way that we join our thumb with our index finger in the meditative pose is not a circle but a teardrop in my opinion, the endless spinning. It grows and grows. Everything. There’s always a perspective. Like a scene on TV, the way our buildings are structured, there’s a never ending perspective. It’s all so subconscious. We’re forever spinning. At one point the tear drop changed shape which I cannot explain I would have to draw out, very Hindu scripture like or something.
<br>
<br>
I felt at peace, I felt I realised my place in the universe, and I don’t fear death as much anymore. Throughout the whole trip, whenever I looked at the time, time had been passing so slowly and I loved it. The night was eventually wearing off and we turned off all the lights, but the visuals were still so amazing, endless colours and shapes, feeling like we could move them and shape them with our finger tips. Not knowing if we slept when we closed our eyes, morning came and there was barely a hangover, a very happy feeling of content and perspective.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2014</td><td width="90">ExpID: 104801</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 26</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Feb 19, 2022</td><td>Views: 908</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=104801&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=104801&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Glowing Experiences (4), Combinations (3), First Times (2)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">52.5 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:37</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">52.5 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:06</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">105 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">105 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 5:45</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 7:15</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">205 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
LSD trip, Saturday morning, starting at 5:00 AM!
<br>
<br>
I am drinking half a gallon of grapefruit juice over last night the day of the trip.
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Magnesium supplements – 2.5 grams
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T+0 52.5mcg – oral –LSD
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T+0:37 – 52.5 mcg – oral-LSD
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T+1:06 – 105 mcg – oral-LSD
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T+1:30 – 105 mcg – oral-LSD
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<!-- T+0:37 – 55mcg – oral-LSD-->
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T+5:45 smoked a little bit of weed
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T+7:15-smoked a little bit of weed
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Setting – our quiet house, just me and my wife, phone off, a very peaceful atmosphere!
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T+00 took half a tab. I'm testing a new batch of LSD, the tabs are supposed to be 105 micrograms but you can never tell for sure before you try. At the same time I am drinking grapefruit juice, overall about half a gallon of fresh organic juice. It slows metabolism of some drugs, my regular trips last very short (6-7 hours) so I extend them to 10+ with the juice. I'd been taking huge does of magnesium supplements for a few days as I remember my jaws grind a lot when tripping. Apart from grapefruit juice and magnesium I haven't been taking any drugs or medications for a while.
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T+0:30 barely noticeable dizziness. It seems the tabs aren't too strong.
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7+0:37 took another half
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T+1:00 I feel slightly weird
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T+1:06 took a second tab
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T+1:30 I feel I need one more. Taking 3rd tab.
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For now what I mostly feel is... being cold :-)
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T+1:50 The trip is getting stronger. I needed to read lyrics to a song I was listening to, I turned on W-Fi for a second and somehow got text messages from work. It disrupted my peace, they want to exploit me 24/7 though I’m not “on call” and it’s my day off. I am suddenly overwhelmed by anger… the word “company” – shouldn’t it mean we enjoy each other’s company instead of being together just for money, but hating and lying to each other?
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T+2:00 I put on headphones and blindfold, enjoy awesome music and amazing closed eye visuals!
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T+3:00 now I can say I'm tripping balls! Amazing open eye visuals, the walls in the room switch from green to red, everything is moving! I think it's the strongest trip I've ever had and I feel great.
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T+4:15 I come to realization how this world works. I create different versions of reality with each decision of mine. Let's say I have to turn left or right, I create two separate universes but my current consciousness stays with one only. Therefore with every choice I pick between love and fear and thus make my world either a bit better or a bit worse. I can choose love every time and thrive!
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Again (similar to 2 other past trips) I perfectly understand quantum physics… how looking at things influences their state…
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AMAZING VISUALS. I feel like I am inside a huge colorful metallic disco ball!
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A thought pops up… To be happy you have to learn how to let go - everything including this life. Most people can't ever do it and even in their last minutes they try to hold on to everything. Many let go only mere seconds before death. I'll be happiest if let go right now.
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T+4:45 I’m thinking about people I work with, people I meet… I decide to make more positive impacts in their lives.
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T+5:00 I know this is by far the best of all trips I ever had (and I’ve had about 15).
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T+5:45 my trip is getting weaker and I decide to smoke a little bit of weed, 1-2 small puffs
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A few minutes later I am getting something called synesthesia. I can see sounds, I can hear colors. I see everything as floating energy and have a feeling I can see through walls and around me (though I am pretty sure now it was just a feeling). Weed plus LSD = WOW! I am putting on headphones and I can see sounds flowing through space… kind waves with sharp edges, flowing in a magnetic ocean. So cool!
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T+5:50 words and terms are being diffused, they mix in my heads and suddenly none of them means anything. I am trying to write something but it's hard as words lose their meaning…
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It doesn't matter what I'll write…
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After the weed I have moments where I sort of (not totally) forget who I am and where I am but what's really cool is it doesn't bother me, I am really calm and happy. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">After the weed I have moments where I sort of (not totally) forget who I am and where I am but what's really cool is it doesn't bother me, I am really calm and happy.</div></div> I think this peace comes with experience, if this happened on my second or third trip I would freak out.
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Then suddenly I start feeling all of my senses on, let's say, molecular level. I take a bite of something and like in slow motion I can feel single nerves from my tongue hitting by brain and creating flavor. The same with vision, I see how patches of my rods and cones send signals to my brain and how my brain makes up an image.
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Yes, MAKES UP, now I am absolutely sure our senses send us very little information; it's our mind that connects the dots and decides what we see. We can be easily fooled!
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OH WOW I can see 5th dimension… at least the 4th !!! I see physical objects together with their timeline!
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I am also absolutely certain (at the time, at least) that when focusing of something I can actually influence time flow. When I focus on present moment, time expands, when I focus on future, it shrinks! And then… I suddenly understand what God’s universal love is… it is sort of a frequency and by being still we're able to get in sync with that frequency. I am always able to hear it if I don’t rush, if I take some time and sit still.
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T+6:50 I rule the universe! I actually rule MY UNIVERSE... In my universe I am the only GOD. Everything else is not quite real and depends on my perception. At least in this dimension.
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T+ 6:55 I think I can move my consciousness away from my head. I am trying to go into my wife’s head but every time I point my attention at it, I hear some sort of grinding sound. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">T+ 6:55 I think I can move my consciousness away from my head. I am trying to go into my wife’s head but every time I point my attention at it, I hear some sort of grinding sound.</div></div> I can't do it, at least at the moment.
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T+7:00 Visuals are still amazing. When I look at my wife, I can see her face but everything around her is melting, looking like liquid metal in which she is floating.
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I have moments in which I feel like I am not a separate being, I am united, everything is one, it's a kind of ego death, but what still amazes me most that it's my first time when I really am not scared at all.
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I think I'd normally be worried my mind won't get back to normal but now I feel happy and I trust everything will go well, whatever will happen will be good for me.
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T+7:15 I smoked a bit of weed again. I can see auras of all living creatures. I am looking at my wife and see she has different halos of different colors, surrounding her.
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I can easily see her emotions, I have a feeling I can see her thoughts. I'm telling her that, she's asking me what she's feeling or thinking and I'm telling her.
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I'm looking at a plant and I can swear I can see it breathing and I can sense its energy! It's so amazing!
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T+8:00 I have a new kind of synesthesia, I can see sounds, and also see flavor... I am eating a delicious meal and again I can feel every synapse firing, bringing information from my nose and mouth and eyes to my brain.
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If I could always eat with such an amazing mindfulness s I would never ever eat junk as now I know that junk food basically kills your senses with huge amounts of fat, sugar and salt just to get a lot of dopamine bursts.
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T+9:00 I am looking at a movie and I can see now human faces are far from symmetric. On the TV screen they all look pretty ugly to me.
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My trip is now fading a bit.
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T+11:00 I’m listening to music and suddenly decide all songs I'll be composing I will start with the bass line! I’m asking my wife to help find one of our daughter’s vinyl records and I put it on. I am amazed with the quality of sound, high frequencies; the music is so alive to me as if I can see who’s playing and singing. I am asking my wife to get me a record player for my birthday :)
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My trip is almost gone. No more visuals, I will go and listen to some music and cool down.
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Then I get super hungry, eat like 2 different meals, 5 different snacks and 2 hours later drift to sleep, happy and fulfilled.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2022</td><td width="90">ExpID: 116200</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 46</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Mar 9, 2022</td><td>Views: 946</td></tr>
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : General (1), Combinations (3), Glowing Experiences (4), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
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<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
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<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
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<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> repeated</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
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<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">150 lb</td>
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<!-- Start Body -->
Could Not Have Been a Better First Time
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I was living in Maui at the time, an unbelievably beautiful place even without drugs. I am the type to always try to push my limits. Trying everything except most pills, meth, and heroin. Those never interested me. Acid was always really intriguing but I never thought of taking it until I moved to Hawaii. I used to live in north Philly, and never felt very sure about the acid that was going around since I always heard about bad trips. I've done a lot of research about it and was sure I needed to be totally committed to it.
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There is an event that happens just about every Sunday in Maui. It's basically a mini hippie festival on a beach with a drum circle, fire dancers, sometimes lazer light shows, and of course tons of drugs. It's also a nude beach, making it more private.
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My friend S had already taken LSD the Sunday before and convinced me that it was the perfect time and place for me to take my first trip. I had that doubtful feeling in my gut, but I was way more committed to trying it than I had ever been before. Sunday came around and we decided to do it together. We went with our friend F so he could drive us home. It's always a good idea to have a sober person around that you can trust.
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It was about noon when we got to there, S was very excited for me. I could feel his good vibes. The butterflies were going crazy in my gut now. We smoked some weed on the ride over and it got my mind racing about all the things that might happen. The overall feeling was that it was going to be a great experience dominated all of my doubts. We got to the spot and met up with this dude who S referred to as 'red eyes black dragon', that cracked me up til I saw him and wow. The dude's eyes were bloodshot and his pupils were huge. I guess he trips every Sunday and has been for a while. I already knew I would never let it get that far with me. He pulled out a huge sheet of blotter and a vial. He asked how much we wanted. We said 2 hits. He dropped the liquid on the paper almost perfectly. We gave him the 20$ and he said 'enjoy da ride braddahs'. We put em under our tounges right there. Id say it was around 12:30.
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12:45 We found a spot on the beach with the hippies and just kicked it for a bit. I thought I was already feeling something but S assured me I haven't even begun my trip. I just wanted to flip a switch and trip already. The anticipation was unreal. F was just chillin with us, pretty cautious about what he said or did trying not to set us off. I could tell he tripped before. This guy we know, I'll call him M, arrived shortly after we sat down. He came over to us and we told him we just dropped. He looked at me and asked if I was feelin it yet. I told him I wasnt sure what I was feeling cause it was my first time. He sold weed around the island and he gave us a little bit of his buds. We had our own stash but he told us 'it's the crippest crip you'll ever smoke', can't really argue with that. It was a kind gesture.
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1:15 I was definitely feeling the come up. I knew it was going to be unlike anything I have ever experienced before. Like the first time you sit down on a roller coaster. As if I'm about to explode with every possible emotion. I had a shitty feeling in my gut, S told me it was normal. We smoked a bowl and I felt so much better. The anxious feeling left me and my trip really took off from there. My breathing felt unnatural, I was taking super deep breaths, in through the nose and out the mouth. It was almost like I was falling into a meditative state. My thoughts were racing in a million directions. Every time I tried to focus on one solid thought, it kept changing and making me realize I was losing my grip on reality. I felt confused. I kept looking at my hands, they looked a little bit different every time. Was I supposed to be feeling this way? What if I go crazy? Every thought activated certain emotions and I felt like I was getting trapped in my mind. Every once in a while S would ask how I was feeling and bring me back. If I engaged him it was with wide eyes, a shocked look, and me saying something like 'dude, this is crazy' or 'are you feeling this too?' If I ever felt scared I was able to justify the reason and find a better reason to be happy. I was playing the ultimate mind game with myself.
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2:00 I was tripping hard at this point and still climbing. S and I had been drinking a lot of water, we even had a trip motto 'water is life'. It made so much sense at the time and still does to me. Every sip felt like I was replenishing my health bar in a video game. The trip was taking such a toll on me physically and emotionally that I had to compensate with something. Especially since food was out of the question. I put my aviator sunglasses on and it made me feel cooler. Temperature-wise, I could care less about how I appeared to anyone. My body felt like it was vibrating super fast but gently at the same time, my muscles kept wanting to do work so sitting still was difficult. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">My body felt like it was vibrating super fast but gently at the same time, my muscles kept wanting to do work so sitting still was difficult.</div></div> I would play with the sand in my hands. I felt like I could taste it through my fingers. The visuals were outstanding so I constantly ignored the little bothersome things. The clouds were blending together with the sky to make patterns that grew and shrunk, in and out, like it was breathing with me.
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At one point I had been looking at the drummers and when I looked back out at the ocean the sky seemed to have that dome-like grid from The Hunger Games. I noticed someone close by open a beer can. I heard it so clearly and saw the initial spurt of beer fly off the top. I could smell and taste it. This made me want to try and activate more of my senses. I kept feeling things around me like tree roots and seashells. When I got up to take a piss I stood next to a tree with flowers pink flowers on it. They were so beautiful, and appearing to be leaning in towards me like they were trying to soak up some of the energy which I had an abundance of. I looked so intensely at them I felt like they were getting sucked into my eyes, which wasn't as bad as it sounds. However when I took a deep inhale through my nose I tasted the flower in my mouth. It didnt taste very good. My piss took forever, then I headed back to my friends. At this point the sun was starting to make its descent down to the horizon. I just kept myself satisfied by looking at everything and everyone I could.
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4:00 I was climaxed at this point. The world looked brand new to me. Human beings were simply cosmic energy inside of an ever changing body. The sun was so intense, I felt the urge to just stare at it. The urge made me feel like I could absorb its power and harness it in my body. There were way too many feelings inside telling me how terrible of an idea it was, so I resisted. Plus it seemed I was already absorbing plenty from the way I was sweating. The trees and leaves were all looking at me and feeding off of my energy, as was I to them. Nature as a whole never looked so alive to me. The ocean showed me with every wave how it is one of the most powerful forces on the planet. Crashing wave after crashing wave, not even trying to have all that power. I have so much respect for the ocean because I saw it as a whole body. Constantly breathing, cycling through emotions just like every living thing on earth. Sometimes the waves are calm and other times it is dangerously rough. Still, millions upon millions of inhabitants take shelter under the air. The vastness of the ocean seemed so incredible. I was able to see everything in 'the big picture' which made it easy to simplify and understand quickly so I could really appreciate it. I wanted to see some fish but was almost scared to go in the water. Mostly for fear of cramping and I didn't want to be 'the guy who almost drowned on acid'. That thought seemed funny to me. Everything had a humorous tone to it.
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On one side of the beach there were hippies, most probably tripping harder than me. The other side was tourists who just came to the beach because they heard it was cool, and had no intention of doing drugs of any kind. It was like a zoo with no cages. I thought they were missing out big time.
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The way my mind was working and the amount of energy I felt made me feel very powerful. Almost god-like, it made me think of God. I thought, 'if I were to die right now, what would he say to me?' I didnt really have an answer. I figured that since I was doing this mainly for enlightenment and wisdom, my intentions were good enough to be accepted. Maybe he'd take advantage of the situation and stuff my mind full of as much knowledge as possible. No matter how I thought of it, I never thought I was doing anything wrong. How could this be a bad thing? Never before in my life have I felt so accepting of new ideas and hungry for knowledge. At least not since I was a very young child.
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Once again I saw the big picture. We are all just children. Some of us just think we know everything we need to know. Which may be correct if your goal in your life on Earth is to live in stale mediocracy. Now things were really starting to make sense. People in regular society choose to live their lives based off of feeling safe. Never stepping out of the comfort zone to try and see from another perspective. Fearing the possibility that they might change. While people who are open to change, want to travel to see different things, constantly needing to adapt, they are the ones who truly learn what it means to live. They are typically quite happy too, whereas the average society drone is a stressed out, unhappy mess. They feel like they need to spend money on things to make their life easy, and then they can start to relax, but you can be happy with absolutely nothing but a name. They wonder why their life hasnt come together the way they want it to. It's because you can't control everything in your life, so you might as well throw yourself as many curveballs as you can to see how many you can hit. That way you don't fall into depression after you miss the first one. I felt a certain obligation to use my newfound wisdom to help the people in my life. It was going to be hard if we were both in a sober mindset without sounding like a sterotypical hippy, but to be honest, they got this shit right.
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Any question I ever had about life and its complexities had realistic answers. The best part about it is I feel like every person on Earth knows the things I am 'discovering', we just have to stop ignoring our hearts and do what really feels right. Stop pretending to be things we aren't. Lower our defenses every now and then so we allow ourselves to grow. We should all strive to be better than we were the day before. We are all competitive by nature, but we need to focus that into a competition against the self. If we all try to do the same things, our competitive nature will be taken out on each other, and every little difference between each other will cause negative feelings towards them. Best case scenario, you will become better than the other person, but you will still never recognize your full potential. It was all so simple. Damn, life is beautiful.
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6:00 The sun was setting, a very intense part of the trip. The drummers all played much harder, there was chanting and singing. As if it were out of a movie, a group of whales breached the water directly in the reflection of the sun on the ocean surface. I will never forget how beautiful that sight was. It felt almost dreamlike. It seemed like everything was coming together at once just for me. That seems selfish as I write it but that's how I felt. So much love and good energy filling up the beach for an event I've witnessed my whole life but never been this grateful or even thankful to be able to see it. Always taking for granted the beauty of the setting sun. All day it has been giving us light and supplying this side of the planet with energy and life. It deserves a grand show for its daily goodbye. The colors in the sky were everything from blue to purple to red to yellow. Clouds mixed in making an amazing show in the sky. I could have cried if I wanted to. I was so happy to be alive. S and I smoke another bowl and get ready for it to set.
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6:30 Me and S haven't said much to each other, there wasnt anything to say that we didn't already know. The sun was about to set, the drums were going crazy. My heart was beating with the drums and my eyes were completely locked on the horizon. It felt like they were growing bigger every second. The sun finally falls out of sight and I get this strange feeling of emptiness. I look at S and say 'dude this is amazing, thank you' he says that we still have a while to go. I think I said that to try and convince myself that there was nothing to worry about, it kinda worked. I was excited but still hanging onto the empty feeling inside. I missed the sun. And the thought of darkness was intimidating. If I had nothing to look at then my mind may become rampant which could trigger a bad trip especially in the darkness of night. In hindsight, the only thing that could have caused a bad trip was thinking about one too much.
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7:00 The fire dancers come out, as soon as the flame was sparked I had a new favorite thing to look at. We had a great spot to catch the show. The dancers were not controlling the fire, but merely giving it a path to live. The fire was alive and dancing with them. Every flame was born, alive, and died in one solid motion. So much energy exhausted so quickly, I loved the fire for being so beautiful. In the back of my mind I knew the fires would eventually go out. And that emptiness came back very strong. It was dark now, so what would I have once the fires went out?
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Around this time I realized that I had been tripping hard for a very long time. Time didn't really exist so it didn't seem like a relevant thought, but I knew somewhere there was a clock that said I dropped acid somewhere around 6-8 hours ago. Good thing I don't work tomorrow. WORK. What? How could I ever go back to work? What if I took acid before work? No. Bad idea. I shared this thought with S and F. We all laughed about the possible outcomes.
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8:00 We started our journey back to the truck before it got too late. The walk was very extreme compared to the walk there. Every step felt jagged, like my body was on a track and only given a certain range of motion to ensure the perfect step every time. I would wiggle my body to loosen myself and I would feel so free. Still, I felt like I was walking very properly. We followed the line of flashlights leading to the rock that separated two beaches. We had to climb up a smooth sandy walkway to get to the top. Then there's the walk down, which is more of a downward rock climb. It was very uneven, with loose and bumpy rocks and pebbles. It was dangerous to say the least. While we were on top of the rock we noticed the tide was much bigger than we expected. People were nervous about climbing all the way down. This guy next to us yelled 'CMON PEOPLE LETS GO' and we offered to let him in front of us. He laughed and said 'nah I'm good but now they all think theres a big pissed off dude up here' Me, S, and F laughed so hard. Things on acid seem like instant classics if done with correct timing. We were about half way down the rock and this guy, who was surely about 2 stories above the sand which was mostly covered in huge lava rocks, decided to jump off to get in front of everyone. I felt like the three of us were the only ones who saw it because no one checked on him and we didnt hear a scream or anything. I said 'Did that guy like... Die?' I couldnt help but laugh after I said it and S laughed too. We didnt see him for the rest of the night, oh well, he made his choice.
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We get to the truck, F driving obviously, S and myself hop in the truck bed so we could get the extreme-backwards-open-top-space-travel view. Wise choice indeed. At this point in the trip both of us were in pretty good control of our trip, but still tripping hard nontheless. You ever sit next to your best friend and everything makes you laugh even if you don't say anything? This was exactly that. We just kept exchanging faces and cracking each other up. Doing whatever we could to make the other person laugh. At one point we were cruising pretty fast and I noticed the moon was full. I got an incredible sense of fulfillment. S looked at me with a super serious look on his face and said 'Level 2' then he smiled with a goofy lookin face. I started laughing so hard and just like that, BAM I was off on another adventure. But this time the moon was my guide. It followed us the whole way home. So bright and beautiful. Even though it was night I could feel the world around me. I was flying through what I imagine felt like a wormhole. We were in our little spaceship, other cars were hilarious looking. Every time we stopped at a light and saw people in their cars we couldn't help but laugh at them. Especially if they looked like tourists. I didn't care if anyone saw us acting foolish, I was having the time of my life.
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10:00 We get home, we were staying on a farm on a work trade/internship type thing. I had my cabin but I wanted to stay outside. Neither S nor myself were even thinking about sleep. So we went to the top of the zipline tower that was on our property. We each brought a blanket and just sat there talking and watching the moon. When I think back with a sober mind, I remember the moon flying across the sky. Hours going by in seconds. Time was nonexistent when we were up there, or for most of the trip for that matter. It was all about NOW. S and I are both very intelligent. We had a certain connection that did not require words. If I felt uncomfortable, he gave me some water or occupied my mind with something good. If he started fading out to the point where he looked stuck, I directed his attention to something I was looking at to snap him out of his spacy zone. When we tried to conversate, it seemed that we would only barely say a few words but the blanks were always filled and the thought was always finished <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">we would only barely say a few words but the blanks were always filled and the thought was always finished</div></div>.
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It was around 3:30 when I laid down in my bed. It didn't really look like my bed or my room but I was so comfortable. The moon was shining perfectly through my window onto my face. I stared at it for a bit then turned my head away accepting that my trip was over.
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Some things I should mention, I was constantly drinking water to prevent cramping. I ALWAYS trusted my instincts. I stayed with my friends the whole time unless I walked off to take a piss. In those times I made it clear where I was going and tried to not be gone for long. Its not cool to make someone worry about you especially if you're both on LSD. I constantly overthink things, and it took me until I realized I was at my climax to calm down. When I had a baseline I understood exactly what I had done and how I can turn this into an enlightening experience. I wasnt trying to get fucked up, I wanted to understand more about myself and everything around me. There was nothing to fear. Especially death, I will never fear death again because I know that when it is my time, I don't have a choice. That is why I enjoy my life every second I can. I also truly believe death is just a stepping stone to realizing more potential. Physical bodies can only go through so much. The human soul, however, is a beautiful and powerful thing that may never die.
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I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed sharing it. It was truly one of the best choices I have ever made.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2014</td><td width="90">ExpID: 108644</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 20</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Mar 22, 2022</td><td>Views: 1,020</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=108644&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=108644&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">Cannabis (1), LSD (2) : Various (28), Relationships (44), Glowing Experiences (4), Combinations (3), First Times (2)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 3:25</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/tobacco/">Tobacco - Cigarettes</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 4:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 5:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 5:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">10 carts.</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">inhaled</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/nitrous/">Nitrous Oxide</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(gas)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 7:20</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 24:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1/2 cig.</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">195 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
The following is a true account of the most incredible thing that has ever happened to me.
<br>
<br>
I'd been interested in trying LSD for a number of years but had never been able to up until this point due to reasons of non-availability and also the stigma attached to the drug. Whilst at university and after graduating, I'd had a fair amount of experience with cannabis and nitrous oxide chargers, but LSD was not a drug that moved in the same circles I did and for several years it remained a 'what if?' point on a list of drugs that I might consider doing in the future. My girlfriend of the last couple of years is very anti-drugs so my use during this period has been rather sporadic, with periods of several months passing with only the occasional spliff or two. I regularly consume alcohol but no other intoxicants on a regular basis.
<br>
<br>
However, circumstances aligned so that earlier this year I purchased ten hits of blotter LSD, claiming to be ~110ug per square. I held onto this for a couple of months waiting for the right time to take it; during this period I'd read a lot about LSD and why people did it, read hundreds of trip reports and tried to take on board what people said about mindset and setting as part of the experience. After a couple of non-starters, I settled on a long weekend where I would be home alone for a period of 36 hours, with no work responsibilities for another couple of days after this. I was working until 10pm and planned to take this LSD that evening so that I would have a full 24 hours of recovery time before having to interact with other human beings unless I chose to. I worried a little about heading into the trip after a day at work without giving myself time to properly unwind, although in the end I felt that this didnt majorly detract from the experience.
<br>
<br>
I was to be alone for the experience; I currently live in a city a long way from my only friend who had any experience with psychedelics, and my line of work is not one in which it would pay to broadcast one's drug habits too strongly in search of a trip buddy. I worried about this too, as many of the sources I had learned from recommended a trip partner, especially for first-time use in case anything should go wrong. Nothing went wrong and I had a great experience, but my mindset is generally one of being quite laid back and not so anxious about exactly what is going on if I am relaxed. For anyone who might become upset at being confused, disoriented, seeing things that don't really make sense or letting go of control, having someone to keep an eye on what is going on is definately a good idea. That said, at no point did I feel that I put myself in danger or that I was going to freak out; I was in control of my own thoughts and actions, although my mental processes were distorted somewhat.
<br>
<br>
With that in mind, this is what happened.
<br>
<br>
At 23:00 (T +0:00), following a light meal and some water, I placed 2 hits of the blotter paper under my tongue and felt it become wet with my saliva. The only taste was the slight bitterness of the paper fibre. I put on a documentary show and watched whilst I waited for the LSD to kick in. I'd written down some ground rules (a quick summary of what I had taken, along with reminders to think twice before contacting anyone else) on a notepad <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I'd written down some ground rules (a quick summary of what I had taken, along with reminders to think twice before contacting anyone else) on a notepad</div></div> and prepared a trip space in the living room with a bed area that had comfortable blankets and cushions if I wanted to crash. I had an electric dictaphone on my phone so tried to keep (sporadic) notes of what was going on in my mind as the trip progressed.
<br>
<br>
(T +0:20)
<br>
<br>
No clear effects felt so far. I wonder if the colour on the TV looks a little strange (like oversaturated) but otherwise nothing out-of-the-ordinary.
<br>
<br>
(T +0:30)
<br>
<br>
I think I am starting to feel some effects; I'm browsing the internet and trying to do a puzzle that involves finding elements in the periodic table and putting their chemical symbols together to make a play on words. This seems extremely difficult and takes much longer than usual, and I find this amusing.
<br>
<br>
(T +0:50)
<br>
<br>
I have an increasing sensation of a lightness in my body, almost like my consciousness is trying to lift itself out of it. This continues over the next 30 minutes or so, and I am a little agitated, although not unpleasantly so. More like certain synthetic cannabinoids, it's difficult to properly concentrate on one thing.
<br>
<br>
(T +1:15)
<br>
<br>
Having a good time so far, although no real visual effects to speak of compared to what will come later. I went to pee, and stared at my hand for a long time. It was as if my palm was getting older as I looked at it, with more and more creases and lines forming as I watched.
<br>
<br>
(T +1:30)
<br>
<br>
Body lightness continues and becomes more evident. I decide to watch an episode of Mr Show, a 90s US sketch show. The subjects and transitions between the scenes are extremely bizarre and I have often thought that the writers must have been tripping when they put pen to paper. As I watch the characters and their interactions become ever more bizarre and unexpected. I think I am noticing some visual disturbances, like a shimmering of the background curtain on the set. I feel intoxicated but without the fuzzy-headedness of weed or alcohol. I can see a few little trails when I'm moving my hand around in the air. This continues for a while, and I'm enjoying the things I'm seeing.
<br>
<br>
(T +3:00)
<br>
<br>
Not much change until this point. I go to pee again and have full-blown hallucinations looking in the mirror. My face morphs and contorts, disappears entirely, grows hair all over and then is covered with alien markings and lines. To make this happen I have to look at the image for a while in one place, rather than move my gaze around; It's almost like my brain is fine at interpreting the image until the lines and contours stay still for too long, and then they morph out of control or are replaced by other images direct from my subconscious. A blink of the eye and it happens again but in a completely different way. I'm wary of looking at the image for too long as it sometimes feels as though the reflection in the mirror doesn't belong to me, although I never really feel especially uneasy about looking. This is hands-down the strangest experience that I have ever had, although little did I know that things were going to continue in this vein (and more bizarre) over the coming hours. The floor seems to start morphing and twisting.
<br>
<br>
(T +3:25)
<br>
<br>
I smoke a cigarette outside in my little yard area. The bricks in the wall are morphing and moving around, and if I focus on the cement in between them it becomes fuzzy, changes colour, and then goes negative so that the colours pf the brick and cement seem to be reversed, or replaced with another colour entirely, like someone hit the invert button on a paint image.
<br>
<br>
(T +4:00)
<br>
<br>
My sense of time is quite distorted, it doesn't seem like so long has passed. The visual distortions are stable but no significant change from previously reported. From what I'd read I know that this was probably as high as I would get with this dose of LSD; After some internal debate I decide to take another two tabs, and smoke another cigarette whilst I do so. I'd been intrigued by some trip reports I'd read where people claimed to have smoked cigerettes that tasted of candy or bubblegum; unfortunately mine just tasted of cheap tobacco.
<br>
<br>
(T +5:30)
<br>
<br>
I decide at some point to smoke some weed. In retrospect this could have worked out badly as I was coming up from the second 2 hits of acid and I hadn't tested the effect of the drug on my new level of consciousness. As it happened it was extremely enjoyable. I spent some time in my herb garden touching the plants and watching their stems morph and stretch in the air. The weed seems to potentiate the onset of the acid and I start tripping hard. Time at this point becomes quite an abstract concept and I spend several minutes debating with myself the time that I took the second lot of LSD. I try to take some laughing gas but don't seem to have the mental staying power to actually hold the sweet gas in my lungs. I practice a little and find that the usual abstract thinking and visual distortions that come with the nitrous aren't really there, but that it paradoxically helps me focus my concentration on the visual aspects of the LSD experience. At this point things seem to kick up a gear.
<br>
<br>
<br>
(T +5:30 to +6:30)
<br>
<br>
I end up on the bed area looking at the grain of the wood on the floor. At this point the visual hallucinations hit with full strength; the floor is pulsing, flowing and sliding in my vision. Millions of tiny insects seem to slide out from between the cracks in the wood and flow through the grain towards me. Banners of black writing seem to flow along with the grain, although I can't quite seem to make out what they say. I see incredible fractal patterns revealed in the wood, which flow and writhe along with the music. This is literally the most incredible thing I have ever seen, and the detail that I can see in the patterns is fantastic; tiny animals, writing, alien symbols and complex geometric patterns seem to materialise out of thin air. As with the mirror I have to relax my vision and just look at one point for a few seconds, and then it is as if my mind replaces the usual pattern with fantastic images that I couldn't have begun to imagine in my wildest dreams. A patchwork blanket on the bed undulates with energy and seems to morph and contort with the music (Blur, Think Tank, amongst others), and the plain white radiator on the wall undulates with neon energy as if it is backlit by bright coloured beams. I cannot emphasise how incredible the images are.
<br>
<br>
After a while I started to browse some LSD-related art on the internet and settle on a few pieces by Alex Grey. I instantly click with the psychedelic images and spend a long time staring into the depths of the pictures, watching the images writhe and contort. Neon colours flash across the pictures and I know that the artist felt exactly what I feel, although we've never met and probably have few life experiences in common. A hidden meaning comes from the paintings and connects us through the drug - I understand. At this point I feel a bit like I've been living in wonderland all along without realising it, and that now the blinkers are off I see the world in a different way.
<br>
<br>
At some point (possibly influenced by the weed) I cook a pizza and watch another couple of episodes of Mr Show. The rapidly changing scenes and humour are difficult to follow but leave me entranced. I see visual effects on the characters' faces and also in the cloth of my trousers as I watch. I go for another pee and notice that my pupils and giganto-normous and that the strange faces in the mirror are still present. I see the same fractal images in the patterned bathroom tiles, shifting and changing.
<br>
<br>
(T +7:20 to +?8:30)
<br>
<br>
I continue to look at images and browse LSD related experiences for an hour or so. The hallucinations are still present and are quite stable in intensity. I'm not sure when but I make it outside for another joint. I'm surprised how alert I am whilst smoking; usually I get pretty drowsy after weed and at this point I have been awake for about 22 hours but I feel quite awake apart from some tiredness in my eyes. The THC really potentiates the hallucinations and I find myself looking at the wood grain on the floor once more; the grain morphs and seems to rise out of the floor towards me; other parts sink down, like a 3d model of the contour lines on a map. All the while the patterns and fractals are dancing through the image. For a while my whole vision seems to invert and contort, and I think that it looks just like the paintings that I had been looking at. I notice something again that happened earlier on, when my whole vision was alternately tinted red and green.
<br>
<br>
(T +8:30)
<br>
<br>
I decide to venture outside to see how it feels. Objects like cars and walls seem to hover slightly in my vision, as if my brain isn't quite sure how far away they are. I have no trouble navigating the road safely and getting to the store, but at one point feel like the street looks like somewhere else and that I hadn't been there before, although I've walked this route a hundred times. I get to the shop and buy some milk, salad and cola. I'm initially a bit confused trying to use the ATM, but figure it out. I stop and buy a coffee on the way home; I'm worried the barista will see my still-giant pupils, but he seems pretty oblivious.
<br>
<br>
I drop my shopping off at home and go for a walk in the park behind my house. There aren't many people around so I smoke half a joint and walk through the part of the park that is more meadow-like, with wild flowers and grasses left to grow. Yellow flowers in the tall stems seem to be neon lights when I relax my vision. It seems to get busier and a few spots of rain fall, so I head home, although I feel quite relaxed.
<br>
<br>
(T +9:30 to 12:00)
<br>
<br>
I watch more TV and browse the more images. I'm captivated by the Van Gogh painting of a Starry Night. I pick up my guitar and try to play; unsuccessfully attempting to jam along with the music, then playing chords and singing along. Although I make quite a few mistakes it sounds great to me and is very pleasurable, although the sound is one I understand, as opposed to the visual effects which are like nothing I've ever seen before. At one point I pick up a pen and draw; I'm quite a kinesthetic person but I can't usually draw easily and make things look how I want. I doodle patterns, words, faces and shapes onto the paper; some of the things I draw are very similar to the things I've seen from others online, although more primitive. I'm startled by how similar some of the shapes I draw look to drawings my auntie used to make for me when I was a child. I wonder if she ever had an acid experience that made her draw like this, or if it is just a coincidence, as she is a more natural artist then myself. Again time gets a little abstract and I'm not completely clear of the order things happen in.
<br>
<br>
(T +12:00 to +14:00)
<br>
<br>
The visual effects are starting to lessen, although as I go to the bathroom to run a bath I see that I can still create vivid illusions of my own face whilst looking in the mirror. A bath is cleansing, although I find it difficult to stay cool and get out after about 30 minutes as I feel like I might overheat. There are still patterns in the tiles on the wall but nowhere as vivid and complex as before.
<br>
<br>
(T +15:00)
<br>
<br>
I try and sleep but it is fitful and my stream of consciousness still quite strong, although I've been awake for 28 hours and smoked enough weed that would have usually put me on the floor. I somehow find an incredibly detailed article online about the size of ice cube and the effect it has on the temperature and consistency of cocktails. I'm amazed by the level of detail and complexity which has gone into this analysis, and realise now why the usual filter we have in incoming information is so important in functioning normally - if we didnt have it, I'd just be lying on the floor looking as the floorboards forever.
<br>
<br>
(T +18:00 to T + 22:00 - present).
<br>
<br>
I doze for a couple of hours and wake for a delivery man at the door. I'm still a bit concerned that the driver might 'make' me, but actually realise that this doesnt make sense at all and that he probably wouldnt have thought twice. I don't really feel like sleep, so do a few chores and put my mind towards writing this account, whilst it is still fresh in my mind.
<br>
<br>
So, that's how it happened. It's impossible to describe the experience in words but that's probably as best as I can do. I understand why people say that taking LSD has changed their lives and makes them see the world differently, it certainly will do for me.
<br>
<br>
I'm excited to take it again, but probably wouldnt change much about my first trip, as I feel I really found my comfort zone. In the future I think I would start with a larger dose (say 4 hits - the total dose I took this time), but obviously your mileage may vary depending on the strength of the acid. I'd probably try and be a little more planned in my activities and build in more time for drawing and music, although I think I could stare forever at the neon artworks I saw for hours on my living room floor today. I'll probably wait at least a month or two to integrate everything from this trip though.
<br>
<br>
In summary, an absolutely out-of-this-world experience, I hallucinated wildly and saw the world completely differently for a day.
<br>
<br>
(T +24:30)
<br>
I've just had another half a joint and am going to go to bed in a bit. The visual hallucinations have all but gone, I can't recreate them anymore. I mull over the day and wonder what I should try and take from it into myself (or rather, make myself aware of, as I am acutely aware that the experience I had came purely from my own head in the end). I'll definitely take respect but also incredible curiosity regarding this amazing drug.
<br>
<br>
[Reported Cannabis dose total: "approx 5 joints"]<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2013</td><td width="90">ExpID: 100543</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 27</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Apr 29, 2022</td><td>Views: 1,022</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=100543&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=100543&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Alone (16), Glowing Experiences (4), First Times (2)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">205 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
The Light and The Void
<br>
<br>
Writing this about an experience from several years ago, at the Oregon eclipse.
<br>
<br>
Some context:
<br>
<br>
I had been getting very little sleep (~6hrs/night) for the four nights prior to this experience, between getting things settled with my job, and getting down to the festival. I waited in line for about 12 hours prior to getting my ticket scanned, and had slept in a park the night before, because I was too cheap to get a hotel or airbnb, and it felt adventurous to just wing it. This is all noteworthy because I was exhausted when I decided to take the acid, but I thought the energy of it would balance things out, and my excitement for the festival was overflowing. In retrospect, it would have served me better to rest more before this, but all's well that ends well I suppose, and this experience moved me.
<br>
<br>
I should also note that after sharing this batch of acid with fellow psychonauts, the feedback has been uniformly some flavor of "holy shit... this stuff is nuts". I was not new to LSD, but none of my previous trips had thrown me into similar territory as I was about to enter. Looking back, I do believe this was legitimate LSD and not some weird research chemical - I had verified a sample with an Ehrlich reagent, and subsequent experiences were always strong, but definitely LSD. It was just some very special stuff :)
<br>
<br>
I ingested (supposedly) 220ug LSD from blotter paper as the sun began to go down.. I wandered around the grounds a bit, and eventually made my way to a stage that had deep house music. I am not normally a house music person but decided to explore it and be open to it. As the come up unfolded, I had several waves of an uneasy feeling, paired with what seemed like fatigue.. There was a very disorienting and blurry quality to the experience. I had to sit down for several periods of time to try to get my head on straight, but seemingly to no avail. Some friendly dance floor neighbors talked to me a bit, but the interaction felt incredibly awkward, as my thoughts were jumbled and unfocused. I found myself yawning a lot and continued to feel tired and uneasy.
<br>
<br>
After several waves of this, I decided that maybe I just needed to chill for a few minutes somewhere away from music. I made my way over the hill behind the stage to a small lake nearby, and sat down on the hill. I probably sat here for 5-10 minutes and continued to have a very tired, blurry, and uneasy quality to the trip. I decided that actually, I might just need a nap, though I couldn't quite figure out what the implications of doing so were. This was a night I'd planned to be out and listening to music and dancing… And here I'm so tired that I'm fixing to nap..? What? I'd taken acid probably 30-50 times before this point, but had no frame of reference for how my body felt. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I'd taken acid probably 30-50 times before this point, but had no frame of reference for how my body felt. </div></div>This situation was setting off alarm bells in my head, but I told myself there wasn’t really anything I could do other than try to give my body what it was asking for.
<br>
<br>
I close my eyes to nap...
<br>
<br>
At this point, I really lose track of how time unfolded.
<br>
<br>
Behind my eyelids, I'm in complete darkness. I.. what.. am.. I? My physical body and my surroundings begin to fade from my awareness as I see a singular point of white light form. It exits my body from my heart's center, the center of my chest. I experience a sense of wonder as I observe the light. It's beautiful… radiating outward into the darkness from a point…
<br>
<br>
The other part of what I now experience is essentially a void of nothingness... blackness... emptiness that is vast and unforgiving. The light is the only thing that exists... It's this singular point of white light, and a vacuum of darkness on all sides. I realize with growing horror that the darkness is everywhere, on all sides, exerting an ominous force onto the singular point of light. VAST darkness... infinite darkness...
<br>
<br>
VAST.
<br>
<br>
I feel a sense of dread as the darkness exerts growing force onto the point of light. I recognize that the light is everything that exists... and yet here I am. Doesn't that surely mean that I am the light? Whaaaaat the fuck? Is the void death? Unrestrained nothingness, forever, in every direction... I am not sure, but I'm fucking terrified.
<br>
<br>
The realizations and mental reasonings described above take place in what feels like a flash. The blink of an eye. Time snaps forward and I simply react. Not with my physical form (which I am still unaware of), but with my mind. I exert immense mental force outward from within, forming what feels/looks somewhat like fire or like a whip. I lash out at the void with all my energy, desperate to drive death away and protect my(?)self from it... the light explodes outward, driving the void away.
<br>
<br>
My eyes snap open.
<br>
<br>
I have no reliable sense of how long the experience lasted. I would guess between one and ten minutes. At this point, I'm deeply shaken by what I've seen and felt, and I'm not sure what to make of it.
<br>
<br>
I sit and collect my thoughts, and the experience begins to fade. Tripping is weird sometimes because something absolutely wild can happen, and a few minutes later, you can be so engrossed and present in whatever you are doing, that you kind of forgot about what happened 5 minutes ago. That’s kind of what happened. I think I was so focused on being present in the next moments that I compartmentalized the utter madness I had just experienced.
<br>
<br>
So naturally, I then go and party until the sun is nearly up. Had a great time for the rest of the night and the electric feel of the acid completely wiped away my initial tired feelings.
<br>
<br>
I think I'm still processing and integrating the experience after several years... I ponder it at length on occasion...
<br>
<br>
One day, it struck me like a lightning bolt that what I experienced was oddly similar to how the big bang is described. A singularity, which was at one point, everything in existence. And an explosion outward into everything. To me, this is one of the most thought provoking experiences of my life... What does this say about time, consciousness, the material universe, perception, the human experience, etc etc etc...? I make no claims whatsoever, but will forever be changed from this experience.
<br>
<br>
Wow.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2017</td><td width="90">ExpID: 116366</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 23</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: May 24, 2022</td><td>Views: 1,207</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=116366&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=116366&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Festival / Lg. Crowd (24), General (1)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1.2 g</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/mushrooms/">Mushrooms</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(dried)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 2:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">900 ug</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 5:20</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">100 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/trazodone/">Pharms - Trazodone</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(pill / tablet)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">168 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
This experience happened barely two days ago, and I’m still looping over the experience in my mind over and over again. Granted, I’m a pretty experienced user with these substances, so I knew what to expect for the most part. However, I was not at all ready for what happened that night. Some of what I’ll be writing is what I remember, and other parts will be what I was told I did. This is the night everything changed for me and I’m still dumbfounded and speechless over it.
<br>
<br>
5:00pm- I was hanging out with a friend of mine and her boyfriend and we decided to have some mushies and just chill in her bed while listening to music. She splits 3.5g of what she has between the three of us, and I decided to slowly eat mine over the course of five minutes. I was in a pretty good headspace that day, all done with spring term and am on my couple week break til summer term begins, so I chose to do this then and there, so I wouldn’t be worrying about schoolwork or stressing over day to day stuff.
<br>
<br>
7:30pm- My friend mentions having a vial of LSD and I asked her if I’m able to have a little bit (I asked for at least 150mcg), she agrees and leaves the room for a second before coming back in and asking me if it’s okay if she doses on a sugarcube, I told her it’s okay. I started to get mild visuals and a body high from the mushies I took, so I thought why not add some lucy to the mix? She leaves the room for the second time and I’m talking to her boyfriend about concerts we’ve been to, relaxing and having an overall good time in each other’s company.
<br>
<br>
7:32pm- My friend comes back and hands me the dosed sugar cube and I pop it in my mouth and let it dissolve. I’m excited for what’s ahead of me and happy I’m doing something other than sitting at home and mindlessly scrolling through facebook til I pass out. After the cube dissolved, I got the most uneasy feeling that washed over me, but chose to ignore it. I sat on my friend's bed and she decided to give me a foot rub. That uneasy feeling wouldn’t go away.
<br>
<br>
7:55pm- Out of nowhere, the acid hit me like a ton of bricks and was coming on strong. At this point I was having pretty strong visuals, but it was nothing I couldn’t handle. I told my friend I had to go to the bathroom. As I got up, I felt like my visuals were getting more and more intense, but like I said, it was nothing I couldn’t handle. When I went into her bathroom, I felt my breathing getting heavier and heavier, I felt myself becoming more and more on edge. After I was done in the bathroom, I went back into my friend’s room, and cuddled with her and her boyfriend on her bed– it was at this moment my breathing became shallow and I started breathing heavily. My friend asks if I’m okay but I had a hard time talking and answering her question. I stumbled up from her bed and staggered to her bedroom door. Breathing becomes harder and harder. I stumbled out into her living room and started to hear voices. I heard whispers and giggles around me. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">Breathing becomes harder and harder. I stumbled out into her living room and started to hear voices. I heard whispers and giggles around me.</div></div> I start to pace around her living room manically, getting scared.
<br>
<br>
8:00pm- My friend comes out into her living room and asks if I’m okay. I told her, “Uh, I don’t know, how much did you give me?”. She started to get nervous, and I asked her again. She tells me, “Umm so, I dosed a cube that I remember I already dosed about three times. So... I might have given you a lot.” My eyes widened as a wave of anxiety washes over me, I ask, “How much is ‘a lot’?” She tells me she thinks she gave me 900mcg or more. My mouth drops and I shake my head at her. She starts to babble and make it all about herself, and at that point I tell her to cut it out. The visuals were getting more and more intense and I’m getting more and more anxious. Mind you, not only have I never had *that* much LSD, I’ve never dosed a bunch in one sitting, I taper up. I started dissociating, paying attention to what she was saying was hard. I looked at my phone and saw my fiance had a super stressful day at work and was getting off work early. I texted her that my friend, who also happens to be my fiance’s other partner, accidentally gave me way more cid than she should have and I want to be picked up from her place. My fiance told me she’s on her way, and at this point, my friend’s boyfriend comes out into the living room and notices me manically pacing around and shaking. He asks how I’m doing and I babbled a little, he took this as a sign I wasn’t doing well and he gets me a glass of ice water. I sat back down on the couch and my friend tried to guilt me for being upset with her for knowingly giving me way more than she should have. I shake my head and start shaking some more. At this point, the voices picked back up and I did my best to keep it cool despite the fact I was getting super scared. The visuals were getting more and more intense, I was *not* having a good time and just wanted this to be over.
<br>
<br>
8:25pm: My fiance comes over and tells me to grab my things so we can leave. My friend and fiance’s other partner tries to tell my fiance to not let me leave– I have no idea why she was doing that, and my fiance tells her to shut up and that she isn’t happy with her. My fiance and I left the apartment. The moment I left the apartment building, the hallway began to morph and change, I got really scared, the visuals were super strong and overwhelming. I told my fiance this and she told me to hold her hand. I stumbled around the hallway, looking like a complete fool.
<br>
<br>
8:40: I don’t remember quite what happened between the time we left, and the time we got to the car, but at this point, I was in the car with my fiance. The visuals kept getting more and more overwhelming, the city at night was completely unrecognizable, everything was morphing and changing, the streets kept changing color and the buildings looked like they were breathing, the colors changed and everything started to freak me out. I then started screaming and crying and wanting to go to the hospital. I screamed loudly and my fiance held my hand and told me to listen to the sound of her voice– this started to calm me down a little bit, she told me sweet nothings and was telling me overall pleasant things on the way to the hospital. Despite the visuals growing more and more intense, I had a feeling that everything was going to be okay when she did that. However, after a few minutes, I started to psych myself out when I heard a voice telling me this is permanent and that I’m going to be in this forever.
<br>
<br>
8:55pm: We made it to the hospital and by the time we got there, I was too scared to leave the car, but my fiance reassured me that we were going to be okay. She holds my hand and walks with me into the hospital and we go to the front and ask to be seen. I got a bracelet and told my fiance I want to sit down. We sat down in a far corner of the ER, next to a few old people. This waiting room was packed with people and it started to make me panic and feel anxious. Once I sat down, I got this wave of disorientation, I couldn’t recognize anything around me, I didn’t know where I was or who I was at this point, then, the ego death came on. I conked out for at least ten minutes, once I wake, I take my shoes off and start kicking my feet and threw my cane to the ground, everyone was staring at me, and my fiance asked me what I was doing, I didn’t recognize her at first but once I processed what she said, I remembered who she is. I asked her “what are we doing?”, because I couldn’t remember where we were or what we were doing. She tells me we need to wait awhile to be seen, and I started bawling my eyes out and screaming. Every single person stares at me and I cry louder.
<br>
<br>
A couple minutes later, I asked my fiance the same question, evidently I just kept looping and asking her the same question. I then stood up, with my shoes off, and started running around the waiting room with my shoes off, evidently while unintelligibly screaming and crying, flailing my arms around. My fiance stands up and grabs me by one of my arms and asks me to sit down and I guess I yelled no. She sat me down and asked the nurse if we could be seen. I apparently started chewing on my cane and then talking to it. My fiance comes back and tells me that she mentioned I take trazodone and that should be enough to calm me down, so she came back and tried to tell me that, but then I asked her the same thing “Why aren’t they doing anything?!” question. She told me we needed to leave, so I bolted up from my chair, without my shoes on, and ran outside the hospital. When I got outside, a wave of intense fear washes over me, the visuals just wouldn’t stop getting more and more intense, and I didn’t feel like myself. My fiance grabs my arm and walks me to the car. There were people near our car staring at me and I started to freak out and scream at them and my fiance grabbed me by the arm and got me inside the car.
<br>
<br>
9:30: Once we got inside and went on our way back home, I started losing consciousness and blacked out portions of the car ride. My fiance told me I wouldn’t stop screaming and crying that I want to end it all and that I’m going to be permanently like this. I evidently tried jumping out of the car when we were driving over a bridge. My fiance told me I kept talking to myself but it didn't make a bit of sense. I kept repeating the same sentences over and over and freaking out over everything. The moments I remember, I was freaking out about how intense the visuals were and the voices in my head wouldn’t stop. I wanted this to be over, I couldn’t handle this, it was way too intense and strong. I felt angry at that friend for dosing me way too much in one sitting, especially considering she knew she already dosed that sugar cube. At that point, I lost my trust for her.
<br>
<br>
10:20: At this point, we were back home. My fiance goes and looks for my bottle of trazodone to give to me. I kept flailing my arms around and knocking things over. I ended up breaking a prized possession of my fiance’s and she got angry and sternly told me to sit on the bed and wait for her to give me those meds. Evidently I got back up and ran to the bathroom where she was and started yelling loudly that I want to end it all. She told me to sit back down and I ran back to the bed and knocked a bunch of other things down in the process. My memory gets real foggy at this point, but evidently my fiance grabbed me before I nearly jumped out of our window. Mind you, we live in a tall apartment building. I remember her crying and being angry that her other partner negligently gave me that much lucy. She held me down and gave me trazodone and handed me a water bottle and told me to drink water. Evidently I took one sip and threw the bottle across the room. All I remember at this point was that I kept being really loud and breaking shit, I also remember my fiance being super sad and just done with my shit.
<br>
<br>
11pm: The trazodone started to kick in and I felt more like myself at this point, the visuals were still intense, but not like they were earlier where I couldn’t process anything around me and was overall overwhelmed. I was able to hold a conversation with my fiance and she asked me if I remember anything over the last few hours. I told her not really, just that it was way too intense and overwhelming. She fills me in on pieces I didn’t remember, then... When she mentions almost jumping out the window to end it all, I become really sad. She told me I kept telling her to grab her rifle and shoot me to end it all. She told me she had to grab her handgun from me because I found it and was going to use it. I kept telling her over and over again that I want to be released from this hell.
<br>
<br>
From here on out, I get no sleep whatsoever and am locked to my bed, looping over the events I remember in my head over and over again. I was stuck in my head for hours, listened to music and just kept thinking to myself. My fiance told me she was going to have a word with that partner and leave me alone, since I was not in such a volatile state as earlier. That friend messages me in discord and tries to make me feel bad for her over what happened, but I was not in the mood to talk to her. I couldn’t believe she knowingly gave me that much, especially since she’s an experienced user of this stuff, it just didn’t add up. That was so irresponsible of her, and then tried to make me feel bad?
<br>
<br>
Once night turned into day, I felt different. I didn’t feel like me, I felt like something changed in me and I still was having powerful visuals. The events of that night scarred me and even now, I just don’t feel right. I’ve always known LSD is a powerful substance, but this whole experience taught me that this is not something to play with and you need to be careful. I’ve always wanted to try a “heroic dose” but was definitely not ready for that experience. I hope I start feeling better soon, I just feel like a completely different person now...<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2022</td><td width="90">ExpID: 116472</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Not Specified</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 27</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Aug 4, 2022</td><td>Views: 1,896</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=116472&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=116472&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Mushrooms (39) : Difficult Experiences (5), Bad Trips (6), Post Trip Problems (8), Train Wrecks &amp; Trip Disasters (7), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">½ joints/cigs</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(flowers)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">½ joints/cigs</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/tobacco/">Tobacco</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(leaves)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:15</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">½ joints/cigs</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/tobacco/">Tobacco</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(leaves)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:15</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">½ joints/cigs</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(flowers)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">175 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I have waited 5 long years to experience LSD. I have studied and researched it through many different sources, and spoken to close friends that have used it. I have had very few opportunities to acquire it since it is in such scarce quantities these days. When a close friend of mine said he had 2 hits of what he said was “potent acid” I was more than eager to get one. I bought one tab for $10 (he was saving the other one for a special occasion.) Since it was so late in the afternoon I had thought not taking it till the next day. But I said “Screw it, I’m taking it now. I’ve waited long enough.”
<br>
<br>
I put the small piece of paper under my tongue at 5:45pm. My roommate and I had also bought a half eighth of Sour Diesel (weed) from my friend which we took back to our place and rolled two blunts out of it. We smoked the first blunt at about 6:15pm, I think. I found that smoking weed when taking psychedelics is a great way to start a trip.
<br>
<br>
At about 7pm I started to really feel the acid kick in. The best way I can describe it is my thought process changed. I saw everything in a different light. And for once my ADHD was gone and was no longer a hindrance. My thoughts and the thoughts of others had never been as clear to me as they were in that first hour of the trip. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">My thoughts and the thoughts of others had never been as clear to me as they were in that first hour of the trip.</div></div> I had never felt so at peace with my self and my surroundings. The stress of bills, school, and anything else that was causing me stress was gone. The trip was vastly different than mushrooms in the psychological and emotional aspects. At that same time we decided to smoke the second blunt. This is when trip intensified a bit more.
<br>
<br>
After smoking the second blunt I decided to go in the living room and watch some TV. The funny thing was that the TV was the last thing I was focusing on. I found myself deeper in my thoughts than I had ever before been in my life. I felt like I had found the key that unlocked what truly could be called ‘The Third Eye’. I found that my state of mind and perspective were completely diminished from what they had been an hour ago. I could see the world as it truly was, a completely limitless canvas that had no real limitations of thought, knowledge, and creation. I saw life through every single state of mind my psyche posses at once. They were like lenses in a telescope all in a unison line, and I could see through and feel them all at once. This lasted for about 30 to 45 minutes.
<br>
<br>
After that I felt a deep connection to my surroundings, both living and non living. It was about 11pm when I decided to go and skateboard around while the acid was still in effect. Which was a great way to end what was a truly cornerstone experience in my life.<!-- I encourage everybody that is in the right state of mind and environment to experience LSD. If you were to -->I imagine my mind as a cluttered chalk board, jumbled with thoughts and confusion, LSD is like the eraser. It put everything in order for me, giving me a fresh start and a more positive outlook and connection with life, the world, and others around me.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2010</td><td width="90">ExpID: 87202</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 20</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Sep 9, 2022</td><td>Views: 988</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=87202&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=87202&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Cannabis (1), Tobacco (47) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Relationships (44), Glowing Experiences (4), First Times (2), General (1)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 glass</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/alcohol/">Alcohol - Beer/Wine</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">unknown ug</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">110 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
Scared and Sleepless
<br>
<!--
<br/>
This is long!!! I only wrote it because I like to know other peoples experience and thought maybe someone would be interested in mine...
<br/>
<br/>
I am not condoning the use of LSD and quite frankly it’s a favorite of mine. I love feeling and thinking differently just experiencing consciousness from a different perspective.
<br/>
<br/>
I just want to document my one unpleasant experience with LSD. I’ve done it only 4 times before never taking more than one tab.
<br/>
First off hallucinogens shouldn’t be taken lightly. And here are some rules I always follow...
<br/>
<br/>
`Always let somebody know what you’re doing. Just one person. Someone who can drive to see you if they need to or can be reached by phone simply to talk to.
<br/>
`Don’t wander by yourself. (I made this a rule because I live in the city and I usually drop at night and I am very prone to getting lost)
<br/>
`Have a ‘safety safe’ an object or space that you have established to associate with positive feelings
<br/>
`Don’t hold back if you’re feeling silly or scared let it out holding those feelings back only intensifies them.
<br/>
-->
<br>
Now this was December, my first semester of my sophomore year was over, all my finals and final projects were handed in done and over-with. I was in the mood to celebrate so I decided to go out to the club with my roommate and a few of our friends. I was hanging out in a friends room (who wasn’t joining us on a night out) he had a Visine bottle that was once full of liquid LSD and since then been used up and only some dried remnants were left in the bottle. My friend informed me since the LSD in the bottle had been distilled in alcohol he planned to cut up the bottle and let the remnants dissolve in some wine. I figured ‘what the hell’ I wanted a fun night and hadn’t tripped in a while the bottle of wine was split between 4 people so I figured I wouldn’t be getting much anyway. (So wrong)
<br>
<br>
My roommate and a few of the group I was with knew I was tripping. The rest of the group would simply think I was just drunk. I had my glass of wine and immediately headed out for the night. (10pm) For the beginning of the car ride I felt fine. I began to feel mostly the buzz of anticipation. Putting my face out the window just to feel the winter cold on my face. As soon as we were in the heart of the city I felt something come on, it wasn’t pleasant at all it was a panic with a lot of nausea. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">As soon as we were in the heart of the city I felt something come on, it wasn’t pleasant at all it was a panic with a lot of nausea.</div></div> Towards the end of the ride to the club I had to vomit out the window, a lot of the water I had just drank and some of the wine came up and on to the side of my roommates car. I was more embarrassed than anything and insisted we still go to the club. Upon parking I felt another wave of nausea and sat by the car for a little with one of my friends who I just then informed of my trip. I was getting intense visuals already. The parking lot gravel I was sitting upon was churning like waves. The buildings around us started to wobble around the edges. I was scared because this was the most intense trip I ever experienced and it was only an hour after I had taken it.
<br>
<br>
I sat with my friend and called my boyfriend who wasn’t aware of my tripping but knew I was at the club. I told him how I was, my current situation, my thoughts, and feelings, I could tell he was a little angry I didn’t inform him I would be tripping that night but he put his feelings aside and talked to me for a few minutes just to ease me and make sure I would be alright. After a delightful conversation, we (my friend and I) went to the club me feeling positive and beginning to enjoy my trip. My visuals were still intense and I began to have audio distortions, entering the club which was playing house music. Entering the doorway felt (more sounded) like slipping into a vortex. Getting to the dance floor I found my group we danced under brilliant light affects the people surrounding me resembled holograms my movements seemed fluid and I was laughing and having a great time. After a half an hour or so I began to feel dizzy. So I went outside for some fresh air.
<br>
<br>
I sat outside staring at street lamps which were emitting flexing beams of light and my environment was constantly changing colors. I struck up a conversation with a homeless man asking me for change, he asked me if I was alright I assured him and returned inside the club.
<br>
<br>
The dizziness was still present now accompanied by unimaginably thirst. I went to the bathroom which was a unisex bathroom so putting my head under the water faucet and taking a moment to meditate on the floor was accepted and simply went unnoticed. The feeling of thirst didn’t go away and I felt very uncomfortable. I called my boyfriend again to simply have a conversation to distract me (still on the floor of the bathroom). I was watching the lines of the tiles distort and melt together with the edges of people shoes which I continued to stare at. A few people asked me if I was alright. I assured them all. A man whom at this point in time I am not sure was real or not. A middle aged man with tan skin and grey hair, dressed very professionally and seem like he didn’t belong at this dance club. He asked me if I was alright and I told him I was, and he returned to the bathroom a few times at least it seemed that way because every time I looked up from the floor he was someplace else in the bathroom always looking at me. Once while urinating at a urinal giving a smile which from his face constantly shifting and moving seemed really scary and evil. I didn’t pay much attention to him since I was still on the phone with my boyfriend. But that man scared me and put some of my thoughts in a spindle. I talked to my boyfriend for TWO AND A HALF HOURS on the floor of the bathroom. Then my roommate got me informed me how long I had been sitting there I said my goodbyes to my boyfriend. We left the club I felt much better after leaving holding hands with my friend who stayed with me at the car and I laughed calling her “my sister in the voyage of this galaxy”. We got in the car with only my roommate and ‘my sister’ and myself sprawled out in the back seat. We drove around the city. I was so taken up in the beauty of it I had to call my boyfriend again and tell him about it. We were driving around and my visuals were less apparent my thoughts were miles away. I was very lovey-dovey on the phone with my boyfriend just talking about our past experiences and how even now we were having an experience even if we weren’t together.
<br>
<br>
We returned to my dorm its about 2am now. My roommate has gone to bed since she wasn’t feeling well. I’m pretending to be a dinosaur crawling and roaring around my room. I’m in the whirlwind of needing things to do. I’m drawing in ink watching the smoothness of my brush strokes become jagged edged creatures on paper. I love to write out words and thoughts outside of your head they look prettier. I do this for about an hour after growing restless I change out of club wear and into cozy threads. I’m restless and decide to venture into the basement of my dorm. I decided to do a mural on the wall (which is still there). Mostly spiraled words and phrases. With some galaxies and stars strewn about.
<br>
<br>
At this point I’m getting a bit restless my thoughts are starting to race. I try to distract myself back in my room by watching my favorite anime (One Piece, nothing too plot heavy just some humorous filler episodes). Cuddling with a unicorn stuffed animal my boyfriend gave me named Hexagon. My safe guarding token. It’s about 5am and I am still restless my mind is getting very paranoid. I want to lay down to sleep but that is absolutely impossible. Trying to shut my eyes and settle down is now a terrifying experience. With my eyes closed it seems my thoughts are louder and more fragmented and extremely paranoid. I think about all the things I’ve done wrong and this sense of doom comes over me.
<br>
<br>
I call my boyfriend once more and he calms me down once more but he needs his sleep so I let him be for a few hours. His most helpful advice was to think of something pleasant and dwell on it until it puts me to sleep. I do this eventually... around 9am but before that happens I have the worst leg of my visuals colors and shapes take form but everything I look at ceases to make sense. My window looks like a cartoon duck with a tremendous smile, my mannequin in the corner with scarves on it looks like pyramid head. I try to shut my eyes but it seems like my delusions make me feel completely insane I think the best I can about my love and I eventually fall asleep. I wake up at 11am
<br>
<br>
The following day... Now all my hallucinations are gone. But I am in a whirlwind of dysphoria. I type up a novel of how I feel crying while writing most of it. I’m so paranoid and anxious I can’t sit still. I’ve never felt anything like it before. I try to shower but I never feel clean. I tear at my skin and I try to restrain myself. I brush my hair and tear a ton of it out. I feel a cold sweat no matter how comfortable I am. I’m thirsty and it seems like these awful feelings would never that these thoughts would be with me forever.
<br>
<br>
In summary it hurt to live. I’m pacing around my apartment and only find solace in expressing my ordeal to others. My roommates my friends and my boyfriend, this communication reminds me I’m not alone. I try to sleep as much as possible and it never happens perhaps a total of 45 minutes of sleep throughout the entire day a few minutes at a time... I’m awake until 1am that night. I go home with my boyfriend. He comforts me and the following day I feel normal again but I was terrified that I never would be. But I learned a lot from that night and I’ll carry that for the rest of my life.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2010</td><td width="90">ExpID: 94876</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Not Specified</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 19</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Sep 12, 2022</td><td>Views: 820</td></tr>
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Various (28), Relationships (44), Health Problems (27), Bad Trips (6), General (1)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
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<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1.75 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">few glasses</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/alcohol/">Alcohol - Beer/Wine</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">Some hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(flowers)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">140 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
<!-- People frequently wonder what first/low to mid doses of acid are like, so through my writings here, I hope I help a few souls researching their journey with Lucy.-->
<br>
<br>
To give some background, my first two experiences with Lucy were a mixture of enjoyment and discomfort. My most recent, and third trip, was a wonderful and totally different experience. Each trip is chronicled below as 1 tab, 2 tabs, and 1.75 tabs respectively. I did test these tabs with a test kit and they’re acid.
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<br>
1 tab
<br>
My first trip was only 1 tab and it gave a very mild stoned feeling with some extra pattern recognition and vision distortion. It nearly resembled a strange MDMA / speedy experience. I enjoyed some of the visual aspects, but I got stuck in some thought loops about my partner. I analyzed and formed negative judgments very rapidly as a result of being around him not high and in a seemingly poor mood. Overall it was a simple enough introduction to acid, but I should have taken more. I eventually smoked marijuana about 3-4 hours into the trip, which made me peak a bit. I listened to music at this point and looked at computer visuals that were interesting. I still didn’t truly see hallucinations, aside from a feeling of my vision blurring which led to flowing patterns and barely noticeable breathing walls.
<br>
<br>
2 tabs
<br>
So for my second trip, I decided to take two of the same tabs. It was impromptu, taken early afternoon while at home. My partner smoked weed, so I wasn’t the only one high. We hung out at home, watched nature shows, etc. We also went outside, which is where I felt most comfortable. My mind immediately pieced together visual patterns from everything I looked at. The crumbling pavement in our alley had the appearance of skulls. Faded and broken walls mimicked simplistic children’s faces. The grass appeared intricately symmetrical. My boyfriend, high at the time, made me laugh frequently and it felt incredible – as if every cell inside me vibrated with euphoria. While outside, we decided we needed some things from <!-- Bed Bath & Beyond, -->a home décor store. Walking in to that humongous store felt like entering a video game level with highly saturated neon lights blaring. Everywhere I looked, the lights were mesmerizing with their beautiful iridescence. I felt overwhelmed by the amount of products in that one store. I reflected on the consumerism of our society and how that drives 70% of our economy. These thoughts quickly entertained, rapidly diminished. After looking at a few items, I could not recall why we entered the store and I started to get frustrated with even being in there. We quickly got out. Surprisingly, being around so many pedestrians at that large shopping mall wasn’t bothersome. I never felt out of control.
<br>
<br>
Walking back to our apartment, it was apparent how much darker it was getting as the sun declined. As night came, I noticed the hallucinations were more prevalent as my mind had shadows to play with now. In my spare room, which has a small night-light and a tall mirror, I decided to look at myself in the mirror. I had done this plenty of times before in the day with no difficulty. While I saw my face almost “age” in a sense, I really didn’t see morphing of anything. This changed at night. My face began to subtly twist so that my mouth spiraled into a circular void. My eyes were similar, almost giving the appearance of what I imagined to be a simplistic demon mask. This scared me. I began feeling anxious, as I feared that I was out of control.
<br>
<br>
I noticed that my partner’s face had a darker tint to it at this point, specifically around his eyes. Although I knew I had taken acid and it was only a temporary experience, the fear gained prominence. I began feeling the familiar anxiety of a panic attack. I told myself then that I am just not the type of person who is capable of dealing with reality distortion. Perhaps tripping is not for me, I thought. I tried calming myself, but I could only think, what if I start seeing his face melt, or other hallucinations. It did not appeal to me. Seeing myself in the mirror change like that was the first time I truly saw hallucinations of what was in front of me. The saturation and patterns in everything were so innocent, not frightening. But something about seeing objects or people change in front of my eyes immediately scared me. At that point, it had been 7 or so hours since I had dropped the acid. It was late and my partner was getting tired, so I was just ready for it to be over. I had plenty to think about, which is what I value in LSD: it forces honesty regarding yourself. I ended up having some beer and half a Xanax and fell asleep.
<br>
<br>
1.75 tabs
<br>
After several weeks of contemplation, I decided I would take the remaining 1.75 tablets somewhere in nature. I learned from my previous experiences a few valuable things. Firstly, I gained experience of the initial dosages of acid, as well as realizing not to have expectations of what should happen. <!-- This is important knowledge to have for future trips; psychedelics are unlike most other drugs. There is a lot of value to learning the truth that psychoactives are not party drugs. It’s a world where you have to take baby steps while exploring in order to gain the insights and enjoyment that lucy has to offer. Rush in too quickly and you’re nearly guaranteed to find more discomfort in your experience than pleasure.
<br/>
<br/>
-->With acid in hand; a lunchbox full of citrus fruits and sandwiches; and backpacks with weed and plenty of water, we embarked on a 6 mile hike that overlooked the Pacific ocean. I took the 1.75 tabs before arriving so that the onset was about 1 mile in. Patterns became more prevalent in the sand, rocks, and grass. We encountered mountain vistas that appeared to be flowing, as lava flows across rocks. Some people describe this as things breathing. At this stage of the trip, I felt almost as if my vision gained a filter for new layers and levels. As a result, normal distant objects seemed to flow or breathe.
<br>
<br>
We continued up the mountain for a bit, often stopping to appreciate the marvelous rocks. Again, my innate facial recognition brain software was in overdrive. Small curved rocks formed patterns imitating static faces and skulls. At this time I decided to listen to Sphongle Divine Moments of Truth. When the music began, my senses went into overdrive. The plant colors became extremely saturated. I felt euphoric at times and at peace with the world.
<br>
<br>
<!-- From what I’ve read, people often feel at one with the universe while tripping. I can relate to this as -->I had a profound sense of not feeling separate from the atoms, molecules, cells, structures, land, universe, and existence surrounding me. It felt as if it were all one. A lot of these ideas have been in my head lately as I’ve been studying Buddhism and existentialist thinkers. It often brings me inner peace when I realize the ideas they think about. <!-- Acid has a high potential for meditation on these things and I achieved some of that this day. -->Towards the middle of the day, after much exhaustion with the climbing involved, we settled down for lunch. I could feel the awkward hunger pangs (which are difficult to realize while tripping), so I knew I had to eat something. The oranges and half sandwich I ate tasted refreshing.
<br>
<br>
After eating, I realized how stunning the clouds were. From my periphery I noticed slight manipulations to my sight of the clouds; however, when I looked over, things were mostly normal. Then I realized when I simply looked at the clouds, I would notice a kaleidoscope effect forming along the wisps of moisture in the air. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I realized when I simply looked at the clouds, I would notice a kaleidoscope effect forming along the wisps of moisture in the air. </div></div>The longer I looked, the more entertaining it was. Wisps of clouds twisted together in beautiful, radiant colors. This may have been the most profound visual I experienced during that trip. I did notice a few other things, such as tracers and my face very slightly warping when staring in the mirror. A few beers later, I was at the very end of the comedown. I smoked some MJ and got an appetite, but for one thing only: sashimi. Only the freshest, cleanest tasting fish would be edible for me. We ate some of the best sashimi in town and went home. By this point (9 hours post dropping the acid), I wasn’t really tripping much.
<br>
<br>
Next time I will take 3 tabs, assuming I get the same dosages. I really only tapped the psychedelic threshold at this level. And I have to do it somewhere in nature, ideally with nobody else around (aside from my partner). Thanks for reading, if you made it this far.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2013</td><td width="90">ExpID: 99328</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 26</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Sep 14, 2022</td><td>Views: 726</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=99328&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=99328&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : First Times (2), Retrospective / Summary (11), Glowing Experiences (4), Mystical Experiences (9), Nature / Outdoors (23), Music Discussion (22), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
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<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">6 drops</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">140 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
It was a cold January day with nothing to do but sit around and watch the time pass. Lucky for me my roommate and I had just come across quite a rarity around these parts; liquid LSD. We had taken some paper hits a while back with mixed results and a few months previously we had some gel tab acid that was quite good but this liquid was the purest form you could get and I don't think we were quite ready for the power it was about to unleash upon us.
<br>
<br>
My roommate Mick and I decided to give this stuff a shot since neither of us had to work the next day and it had been a pretty good day for both of us so our spirits were high and our minds willing. We got on our cell phones and made sure no one would come over because, as we had found out, people coming over that weren't on acid can really bring you down. So I popped out the <!-- Fresh Breath D -->drop bottle and put three on his tongue and he put six on mine. We do this so we don't accidentally put too much. Right after this was said and done we hopped in Mick's car and went a few blocks down to the video store to rent what we hoped would be good tripping movies. It was about 630 pm. We looked around for a while and found a classic, Alice in Wonderland, and just when we thought nothing else looked good we found a Grateful Dead movie neither of us had heard of but thought we'd give it a shot. We were standing in the checkout and I turned to Mick and said, 'Dude we gotta get home. I'm really starting to feel this stuff!' He agreed so we got our movies and headed for home.
<br>
<br>
We walked in the door of our rental house plopped on the couch and threw in Alice in Wonderland. To our great disappointment it was too scratched to work so we decided to see what this Grateful Dead movie was all about. If anything has ever set off a trip fast it was this movie. It was a trip. Crazy space designs, trippy noises and distorted everything. Reality not included. I started tripping hard within the first 10 minutes of this movie and I had only taken the acid not even a half hour ago. Mick requested I drop him a few more hits so after that was taken care of it was back to the trip in full disarray. It was quickly turning into the best trip I'd ever had with the most intense visuals and auditory hallucinations I've ever experienced. Every outline of an object I focused on instantly became wavy or grew larger or smaller before my eyes and the sounds I heard made me feel like I was surrounded by a hundred synthesizers all making trippy noises.
<br>
<br>
Eventually the tripped out part of the Dead movie got over and it went to a concert part which we lost interest in so we turned on the TV and put some Jack Johnson in the stereo. Jack Johnson had never made so much sense to me as he did that night. My mind agreed with everything he was saying and it all made sense and made me feel content beyond reason. The music itself felt like it was meant solely for the purpose of the trip. If I thought I was tripping hard earlier, it just got more intense in the greatest ways ever.
<br>
<br>
My roommate I noticed was talking out loud and after I realized that I suddenly realized he had been all night. Every thought that was crossing his mind was coming out of his mouth. He debated out loud his nicotine addiction asking why he needed to smoke cigarettes and then moved on to other subjects such as why we were smoking weed and anything imaginable. I found myself focusing less on Jack and more on him and I just listened silently thinking about whatever he was talking about. And then one of the worst possible things that could've happened actually happened. A knock on the door.
<br>
<br>
It was about 1030 pm at this point and I had an idea who it was and after they went away I turned on my phone to find out it was my ex-girlfriend whom I broke up with the day before. That's neither here nor there but it freaked us out. We blew it off and turned Jack back on and were tripping balls just as hard as before. But something was much different.
<br>
<br>
<!-- To this day I'm sure it happened, Mick is sure it happened, and we don't care what anyone says. It happened. -->I was sitting there listening to the music and Mick talking out loud about his concerns with life when I turned to him in disbelief. I noticed Mick wasn't saying a damn word but I could still hear his voice in my head. I thought to myself wait a minute I can't hear him if he's not talking and I heard him say the same thing but his lips didn't move again and we looked at each other. Then I heard him say (think?) if you're reading my thoughts then take this roll of Vitamin C tablets out of my hand and I'll know this is real. I reached over and took them and we finally snapped. There's no fucking way this is actually happening we thought.
<br>
<br>
Then it stopped and we started debating this phenomenon out loud. As we were talking we kept stopping and we realized it was no longer there and our thoughts were our own. So what else would we do, as curious humans, but sit there and try to figure out how we did it. We continually fell back into the trip and read our thoughts another three times and then the ability disappeared like dust in the wind. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">We continually fell back into the trip and read our thoughts another three times and then the ability disappeared like dust in the wind.</div></div> We were freaking out. Mick kept saying it happened but there's no way it happened and I kept saying well if we thought that was impossible, and it happened, then what else is possible? The rest of the night was uneasy and we became so lost in thought I wasn't sure if I'd ever dig myself out.
<br>
<br>
I don't know how either of us managed to fall asleep that night but we went to bed around 3 am still wondering, still thinking. We got up the next day and of course, that was the only topic of conversation. We went over the course of the night over and over again wondering what made it happen, still a little freaked out and convinced we had pushed our minds through some sort of barriers. <!-- The best way I've found to explain it is as so: The brain creates thoughts and these thoughts are projected onto some sort of 'notepad' and that night we just became so stuck in the trip that our brains began projecting onto the same 'notepad'. This 'notepad' is how you sense things like someone being around you or how you can tell how someone is feeling without them telling you. To be honest, I'm not really sure. I just know it was fucked up. --> We pushed our minds to the limits of rational thinking and maybe over some cliff of sanity we weren't supposed to know how to get to. I personally think we know about 1% of the brains capabilities and that night me and Mick found out just 1% more of those capabilities.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2007</td><td width="90">ExpID: 69347</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Sep 17, 2022</td><td>Views: 705</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=69347&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=69347&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Music Discussion (22), Mystical Experiences (9), Glowing Experiences (4), General (1)</td></tr>
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