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with a strip of silvery light from the unseen sun we have had a of talk sir said mr to me when we y the personal history and experience had all three walked a little while in silence of what we ought and t ought to do but we see our course now i happened to glance at ham then looking out to sea upon the distant light and a frightful thought came into my mind not that his face was angry for it was not i nothing but an expression of stern determination in it that if ever he encountered he would kill him my here sir said mr is done i m a going to seek my he stopped and went on in a firmer voice i m a going to seek her that s my he shook his head when i asked him where he would seek her and inquired if i were going to london to morrow i told him i had not gone to day fearing to lose the chance of being of any service to him but that i was ready to go when he would i ll go along with you sir he rejoined if you re agreeable to morrow we walked again for a while in silence ham he presently resumed he hold to his present work and go and live along with my sister the old boat yonder will you desert the old boat mr i gently interposed my station r he returned ain t there no longer and if ever a boat since there was darkness on the face of the deep that one s gone down but no sir no i t mean as it should be deserted from that we walked again for a while as before until he explained my wishes is sir as it shall look day and night winter and summer as it has always looked since she first know d it if ever she should come a wandering back i wouldn t have the old place seem to cast her you understand but seem to tempt her to draw to t and to peep in maybe like a ghost out of the wind and rain through the old at the old seat by the fire then maybe r none but there she might take heart to creep in trembling and might come to be laid down in her old bed and rest her weary head where it was once so gay i could not speak to him in reply though i tried every night said mr as lar as the night comes the candle must be stood in its old pane of glass that if ever she should see it it may seem to say come back my child come back if ever there s a knock ham a soft knock dark at your aunt s door t you go nigh it let it be her not you that sees my fallen child he walked a little in front of us and kept before us for some minutes during this interval i glanced at ham again and observing the same expression on his face and his eyes still directed to the distant light i touched his arm twice i called him by his name in the tone in which i might have tried to rouse a before he me when i at last inquired on what his thoughts were so bent he replied on what s afore me r and over yon on the life before you do you mean he had pointed out to sea of david ay r i t rightly know bow tis but from over von there seemed to me to come the end of it like looking at me as if he were waking but with the same determined face what end i asked possessed by my former fear i t know he said thoughtfully i was calling to mind that the beginning of it all did take place here and then the end come but it s gone r he added answering as i think my look you han t no call to be of me but i m i t fare to feel no matters which was as much as to say that he was not himself and quite confounded mr stopping for us to join him we did so and said no more the remembrance of this in with my former thought however haunted me at intervals even until the inexorable end came at its appointed time we approached the old boat and entered mrs no longer in her especial corner was busy preparing breakfast she took mr s hat and placed his seat for him and spoke so comfortably and softly that i hardly knew her dan l my good man said she you must eat and drink and keep up your strength for without it you do try that s a dear soul and if i disturb you with my she meant her chattering tell me so dan l and i won t when she had served us all she withdrew to the window where she employed herself in some shirts and other clothes belonging to mr and neatly folding and packing them in an old bag such as sailors carry meanwhile she continued talking in the same quiet manner all times and seasons you know dan l said mrs i shall be here and every think will look to your wishes i m a poor scholar but i shall write to you odd times when you re away and send my letters to r maybe you write to me too dan l odd times and tell me how you fare to feel upon your lone you be a solitary woman i m said mr no no dan l she returned i shan t be that t you mind me i shall have enough to	8
do to keep a for you mrs meant a home again you come back to keep a here for any that may hap to come back dan l in the fine time i shall set outside the door as i used to do if any should come nigh they shall see the old woman true to em a long way off what a change in mrs in a little time she was another woman she was so devoted she had such a quick perception of what it would be well to say and what it would be well to leave she was so forgetful of herself and so of the sorrow about her that i held her in a sort of veneration the work she did that day there were many things to be brought up from the beach and stored in the as oars sails bags of and the like and though there was abundance of assistance rendered there being not a pair of working hands on all that shore but would have labored hard for mr and been well paid y the personal history and experience in being asked to do it yet she persisted all day long in toiling under that she was quite unequal to and to and fro on all sorts of unnecessary errands as to her misfortunes she appeared to have entirely lost the recollection of ever having had any she preserved an cheerfulness in the midst of her sympathy which was not the least astonishing part of the change that had come over her was out of the question i did not even observe her voice to or a tear to escape from her eyes the whole day through until twilight when she and i and mr being alone together and he having fallen asleep in perfect exhaustion she broke into a half suppressed fit of sobbing and crying and taking me to the door said ever bless you r be a friend to him poor dear then she immediately ran out of the house to wash her face in order that she might sit quietly beside him and be found at work there when he should awake in short i left her when i went away at night the and staff of mr s affliction and i could not enough upon the lesson that i read in mrs and the new experience she unfolded to me it was between nine and ten o clock when strolling in a melancholy manner through the town i stopped at mr s door mr had taken it so much to heart his daughter told me that he had been very low and poorly all day and had gone to bed without his pipe a bad hearted girl said mrs there was no good in her ever don t say so i returned you don t think so yes i do cried mrs angrily no no said i mrs tossed her head endeavouring to be very stern and cross but she could not command her softer self and began to cry i was young to be sure but i thought much the better of her for this sympathy and fancied it became her as a virtuous wife and mother very well indeed what will she ever do sobbed where will she go what will become of her oh how could she be so cruel to herself and him i remembered the time when was a young and pretty girl and i was glad that she remembered it too so my little said mrs has only just now been got to sleep even in her sleep she is sobbing for em ly all day long little has cried for her and asked me over and over again whether em ly was wicked what can i say to her when em ly tied a ribbon off her own neck round little s the last night she was here and laid her head down on the pillow beside her till she was fast asleep the ribbon s round my little s neck now it ought not to be perhaps but what can i do em ly is very bad but they were fond of one another and the child knows nothing mrs was so unhappy that her husband came out to take care of her leaving them together i went home to s more melancholy myself if possible than i had been yet that good creature i mean all by her late anxieties of david and sleepless nights was at her brother s where she meant to stay till morning an old woman who had been employed about the house for some weeks past while had been unable to attend to it was the house s only other besides myself as i had no occasion for her services i sent her to bed by no means against her will and sat down before the kitchen fire a little while to think about all this i was it with the of the late mr and was driving out with the tide towards the distance at which ham had looked so singularly in the morning when i was recalled from my wanderings by a knock at the door there was a upon the door but it was not that which made the sound the tap was from a hand and low down upon the door as if it were given by a child it made me start as much as if it had been the knock of a footman to a person of distinction i opened the door and at first looked down to my amazement on nothing but a great umbrella that appeared to be walking about of itself but presently i discovered underneath it miss i might not have been prepared to give the little creature a very kind reception if on her removing the umbrella which her utmost efforts were unable to shut up she	8
had shown me the expression of face which had made so great an impression on me at our first and last meeting but her face as she turned it up to mine was so earnest and when i relieved her of the umbrella which would have been an inconvenient one for the irish giant she wrung her little hands in such an afflicted manner that i rather inclined towards her miss said i after glancing up and down the empty street without distinctly knowing what i expected to see besides how do you come here what is the matter she to me with her short right arm to shut the umbrella for her and passing me hurriedly went into the kitchen when i had closed the door and followed with the umbrella in my hand i found her sitting on the corner of the it was a low iron one with two flat bars at top to stand plates upon in the shadow of the swaying herself backwards and forwards and her hands upon her knees like a person in pain quite alarmed at being the only of this visit and the only spectator of this behaviour i exclaimed again pray tell me miss what is the matter are you ill my dear young soul returned miss her hands upon her heart one over the other i am ill here i am very ill to think that it should come to this when i might have known it and perhaps prevented it if i hadn t been a thoughtless fool again her large bonnet very to her figure went backwards and forwards in her swaying of her little body to and fro while a most gigantic bonnet rocked in with it upon the wall i am surprised i began to see you so distressed and serious when she interrupted me yes it s always so she said they are all surprised these young people fairly and full grown to see any natural the personal history and experience feeling in a little thing like me they make a of me use me for their amusement throw me away when they are tired and wonder that i feel more than a toy horse or a wooden soldier yes yes that s the way the old way it may be with others i returned but i do assure you it is not with me perhaps i ought not to be at all surprised to see you as you are now i know so little of you i said without consideration what i thought what can i do returned the little woman standing up and holding out her arms to show herself see what i am my father was and my sister is and my brother is i have worked for sister and brother these many years hard mr all day i must live i do no harm if there are people so or so cruel as to make a jest of me what is left for me to do but to make a jest of myself them and every thing if i do so for the time whose fault is that mine no not miss s i perceived if i had shown myself a sensitive dwarf to your false friend pursued the little woman shaking her head at me with earnestness how much of his help or good will do you think i should ever have had if little who had no hand young gentleman in the making of herself addressed herself to him or the like of him because of her misfortunes when do you suppose her small voice would have been heard little would have as much need to live if she was the bitterest and of but she couldn t do it no she might whistle for her bread and butter till she died of air miss sat down on the again and took out her handkerchief and wiped her eyes be thankful for me if you have a kind heart as i think you have she said that while i know well what i am i can be cheerful and endure it all i am thankful for myself at any rate that i can find my tiny way through the world without being to any one and that in return for all that is thrown at me in folly or vanity as i go along i can throw back if i don t brood over all i want it is the better for me and not the worse for any one if i am a for you giants be gentle with me miss replaced her handkerchief in her pocket looking at me with very intent expression all the while and pursued i saw you in the street just now you may suppose i am not able to walk as fast as you with my short legs and short breath and i couldn t overtake you but i guessed where you came and came after you i have been here before to day but the good woman wasn t at home do you know her i demanded i know of her and about her she replied from and i was there at seven o clock this morning do you remember what said to me about this unfortunate girl that time when i saw you both at the inn the great bonnet on miss s head and the greater bonnet on the wall began to go backwards and forwards again when she asked this question of david i remembered very well what she referred to having had it in my thoughts many times that day i told her so may the father of all evil confound him said the little woman holding up her forefinger between me and her sparkling eyes and ten times more confound that wicked servant but i believed it was you who had a boyish passion for her i i i repeated	8
child child in the name of blind ill fortune cried miss wringing her hands impatiently as she went to and fro again upon the why did you praise her so and blush and look disturbed i could not conceal from myself that i had done this though for a reason very different from her supposition what did i know said miss taking out her handkerchief again and giving one little stamp on the ground whenever at short intervals she applied it to her eyes with both hands at once he was crossing you and you i saw and you were soft wax in his hands i saw had i left the room a minute when his man told me that young innocence so he called you and you may call him old guilt all the days of your life had set his heart upon her and she was giddy and liked him but his master was resolved that no harm should come of it more for your sake than for hers and that that was their business here how could i hut believe him i saw soothe and please you by his praise of her you were the first to mention her name you owned to an old admiration of her you were hot and cold and red and white all at once when i spoke to you of her what could i think what did i think but that you were a young in everything but experience and had fallen into hands that had experience enough and could manage you having the fancy for your own good oh oh oh they were afraid of my finding out the truth exclaimed miss getting off the and trotting up and down the kitchen with her two short arms lifted up because lam a sharp little thing i need be to get through the world at all and they deceived me altogether and i gave the poor unfortunate girl a letter which i fully believe was the beginning of her ever speaking to who was left behind on purpose i stood amazed at the revelation of all this looking at miss as she walked up and down the kitchen until she was out of breath when she sat upon the again and drying her face with her handkerchief shook her head for a long time without otherwise moving and without breaking silence my country rounds she added at length brought me to mr the night before last what i happened to find out there about their secret way of coming and going without you which was strange led to my suspecting something wrong i got into the coach from london last night as it came through and was here this morning oh oh oh too late poor little turned so chilly after all her crying and that she turned round on the putting her poor little wet feet in among the ashes to warm them and sat looking at the fire like a large doll i sat in a chair on the other side of the hearth lost in unhappy reflections and looking at the fire too and sometimes at her the personal history and experience i must go she said at last rising as she spoke it s late you don t me meeting her sharp glance which was as sharp as ever when she asked me i could not on that short challenge answer no quite frankly come said she accepting the offer of my hand to help her over the and looking wistfully up into my face you know you wouldn t me if i was a full sized woman i felt that there was much truth in this and i felt rather ashamed of myself you are a young man she said nodding take a word of advice even from three foot nothing try not to associate bodily defects with mental my good friend except for a solid reason she had got over the now and i had got over my suspicion i told her that i believed she had given me a faithful account of herself and that we had both been instruments in hands she thanked me and said i was a good fellow now mind she exclaimed turning back on her way to the door and looking at me with her forefinger up again i have some reason to suspect from what i have heard my ears are always open i can t afford to spare what powers i have that they are gone abroad but if ever they return if ever any one of them returns while i am alive i am more likely than another going about as i do to find it out soon whatever i know you shall know if ever i can do anything to serve the poor betrayed girl i will do it faithfully please heaven and had better have a at his back than little i placed faith in this last statement when i marked the look with which it was accompanied trust me no more but trust me no less than you would trust a woman said the little creature touching me on the wrist if ever you see me again unlike what i am now and like what i was when you first saw me observe what company i am in call to mind that i am a very helpless and little thing think of me at home with my brother like myself and sister like myself my day s work is done perhaps you wont then be very hard upon me or surprised if i can be distressed and serious good night i gave miss my hand with a very different opinion of her from that which i had hitherto entertained and opened the door to let her out it was not a trifling business to get the great umbrella up and properly balanced	8
in her grasp but at last i successfully accomplished this and saw it go down the street through the rain without the least appearance of having anybody underneath it except when a heavier fall than usual from some water sent it over on one side and discovered miss struggling violently to get it right after making one or two to her relief which were rendered futile by the umbrella s on again like an immense bird before i could reach it i came in went to bed and slept till morning in the morning i was joined by mr and by my old nurse and we went at an early hour to the coach office where mrs and ham were waiting to take leave of us of david r ham whispered drawing aside while mr was his bag among the luggage his life is quite broke up he t know he s going he t know what s afore him he s bound upon a voyage that last on and off all the rest of his days take my for t unless he finds what he s a seeking of i am sure you ll be a friend to him r trust me will indeed said i shaking hands with ham earnestly very kind sir one thing i m in good employ you know r and i han t no way now of spending what i gets money s of no use to me no more except to live if you can lay it out for him i shall do my work with a better art though as to that sir and he spoke very steadily and mildly you re not to think but i shall work at all times like a man and act the best that lays in my power i told him i was well convinced of it and i hinted that i hoped the time might even come when he would cease to lead the lonely life lie naturally contemplated now no sir he said shaking his head all that s past and over me sir no one can never fill the place that s empty but you bear in mind about the money as s at all times some laying by for him him of the fact that mr derived a steady though certainly a very moderate income from the of his late brother i promised to do so we then took leave of each other i cannot leave him even now without remembering with a pang at once his modest fortitude and his great sorrow as to mrs if i were to endeavour to describe how she ran down the street by the side of the coach seeing nothing but mr on the roof through the tears she tried to repress and dashing herself against the people who were coming in the opposite direction i should enter on a task of some difficulty therefore i had better leave her sitting on a baker s door step out of breath with no shape at all remaining in her bonnet and one of her shoes off lying on the pavement at a considerable distance when we got to our journey s end our first pursuit was to look about for a little lodging for where her brother could have a bed we were so fortunate as to find one of a very clean and cheap description over a s shop only two streets removed from me when we had engaged this i bought some cold meat at an eating house and took my fellow travellers home to tea a proceeding i regret to state s which did not meet with mrs s approval but quite the contrary i ought to observe however in explanation of that lady s state of mind that she was much offended by s up her widow s gown before she had been ten minutes in the place and setting to work to dust my bed room this mrs regarded in the light of a liberty and a liberty she said was a thing she never allowed mr had made a communication to me on the way to london for which i was not unprepared it was that he first seeing mrs as i felt bound to assist him in this and also to between them with the view of the mother s feelings as the personal history and experience much as possible i wrote to her that night i told her as mildly as i could what his wrong was and what my own share in his injury i said he was a man in very common life but of a most gentle and upright character and that i ventured to express a hope that she would not refuse to see him in his heavy trouble i mentioned two o clock in the afternoon as the hour of our coming and i sent the letter myself by the first coach in the morning at the appointed time we stood at the door the door of that house where i had been a few days since so happy where my youthful confidence and warmth of heart had been yielded up so freely which was closed against me henceforth which was now a waste a ruin no appeared the pleasanter face which had replaced his on the occasion of my last visit answered to our summons and went before us to the drawing room mrs was sitting there glided as we went in from another part of the room and stood behind her chair i saw directly in his mother s face that she knew from himself what he had done it was very pale and bore the traces of deeper emotion than my letter alone weakened by the doubts her fondness would have raised upon it would have been likely to create i thought her more like him than ever i had thought her and i felt rather than saw that	8
the resemblance was not lost on my companion she sat upright in her arm chair with a stately air that it seemed as if nothing could disturb she looked very at mr when he stood before her and he looked quite as at her s keen glance comprehended all of us for some moments not a word was spoken she to mr to be seated he said in a low voice i shouldn t feel it ma am to sit down in this house i d sooner stand and this was succeeded by another silence which she broke thus i know with deep regret what has brought you here what do you want of me what do you ask me to do he put his hat under his arm and feeling in his breast for s letter took it out unfolded it and gave it to her please to read that ma am that s my niece s hand she read it in the same stately and way untouched by its contents as far as i could see and returned it to him unless he brings me back a lady said mr tracing out that part with his finger i come to know ma am whether he will keep his no she returned why not said mr it is impossible he would disgrace himself you cannot fail to know that she is far below him her up said mr she is and ignorant maybe she s not maybe she is said mr think not ma am but i m no judge of them things teach her better m i i op david c since you oblige me to speak more plainly which i am very unwilling to do her humble would render such a thing impossible if nothing else did hark to this ma am he returned slowly and quietly you know what it is to love your child so do i if she was a hundred times my child i couldn t love her more you t know what it is to lose your child i do all the heaps of riches in the would be to me if they was mine to buy her back but save her from this disgrace and she shall never be disgraced by us not one of us that she s up among not one of us that s lived along with her and had her for their all in all these many year will ever look upon her face again we be content to let her be we be content to think of her far off as if she was underneath another sun and sky we be content to trust her to her husband to her little children p and bide the time when all of us shall be alike in quality afore our god the rugged eloquence with which he spoke was not devoid of all effect she still preserved her proud manner but there was a touch of softness in her voice as she answered i justify nothing i make no counter but i am sorry to repeat it is impossible such a marriage would my son s career and ruin his prospects nothing is more certain than that it never can take place and never will if there is any other compensation i am looking at the likeness of the face interrupted mr with a steady but a eye that has looked at me in my home at my fireside in my boat not smiling and friendly when it was so treacherous that i go half wild when i think of it if the likeness of that face don t turn to burning fire at the thought of offering money to me for my child s and ruin it s as bad i t know being a lady s but what it s worse she changed now in a moment an angry flush her features and she said in an manner grasping the arm chair tightly with her hands what compensation can you make to me for opening such a pit between me and my son what is your love to mine what is your separation to ours miss softly touched her and cent down her head to whisper but she would not hear a word no not a word let the man listen to what i say my son who has been the object of my life to whom its every thought has been devoted whom i have gratified from a child in every wish from whom i have had no separate existence since his birth to take up in a moment with a miserable girl and avoid me to repay my confidence with deception for her sake and quit me for her to set this wretched fancy against his mother s claims upon his duty love respect gratitude claims that every day and hour of his life should have strengthened into ties that nothing could be proof against is this no injury again tried to soothe her again i say not a word if he can stake his all upon the object i can stake my all upon a greater purpose let him go where he the personal history and experience will with the means that my love has secured to him does he think to reduce me by long absence he knows his mother very little if he does let him put away his whim now and he is welcome back let him not put her away now and he never shall come near me living or dying while i can raise my hand to make a sign against it unless being rid of her for ever he comes humbly to me and for my forgiveness this is my right this is the acknowledgment i will have this is the separation that there is between us and is this she added looking at her visitor with	8
the proud air with which she had begun no injury while i heard and saw the mother as she said these words i seemed to hear and see the son them all that i had ever seen in him of an wilful spirit i saw in her all the understanding that i had now of his energy became an understanding of her character too and a perception that it was in its strongest springs the same she now observed to me aloud her former restraint that it was useless to hear more or to say more and that she begged to put an end to the interview she rose with an air of dignity to leave the room when mr signified that it was needless t fear me being any to you i have no more to say ma am he remarked as he moved towards the door i come with no hope and i take away no hope i have done what i should be done but i never looked fur any good to come of my where i do this has been too evil a house fur me and mine fur me to be in my right senses and expect it with this we departed leaving her standing by her elbow chair a picture of a noble presence and a handsome face we had on our way out to cross a paved hall with glass sides and roof over which a vine was trained its leaves and shoots were green then and the day being sunny a pair of glass doors leading to the garden were thrown open entering this way with a noiseless step when we were close to them addressed herself to me you do well she said indeed to bring this fellow here such a of rage and scorn as darkened her face and flashed in her jet black eyes i could not have thought even into that face the made by the hammer was as usual in this excited state of her features strongly marked when the throbbing i had seen before came into it as i looked at her she absolutely lifted up her hand and struck it this is a fellow she said to champion and bring here is he not you are a true man miss i returned you are surely not so unjust as to condemn me why do you bring division between these two mad creatures she returned don t you know that they are both mad with their own and pride is it my doing i returned is it your doing she retorted why do you bring this man here of david he is a deeply injured man miss i replied you may not know it i know that james she said with her hand on her bosom as if to prevent the storm that was raging there from being loud has a false corrupt heart and is a traitor but what need i know or care about this fellow and his common niece miss i returned you the injury it is sufficient already i will only say at parting that you do him a great wrong i do him no wrong she returned they are a worthless set i would have her whipped mr passed on without a word and went out at the door oh shame miss shame i said indignantly how can you bear to on his affliction i would on them all she answered i would have his house pulled down i would have her on the face in rags and cast out in the streets to starve if i had the power to sit in judgment on her i would see it done see it done i would do it i her if i ever could reproach her with her infamous condition i would go anywhere to do so if i could hunt her to her grave i would if there was any word of comfort that would be a solace to her in her dying hour and only i possessed it i wouldn t part with it for life itself the mere vehemence of her words can convey i am sensible but a weak impression of the passion by which she was possessed and which made itself articulate in her whole figure though her voice instead of being raised was lower than usual no description i could give of her would do justice to my recollection of her or to her entire of herself to her anger i have seen passion in many forms but i have never seen it in such a form as that when i joined mr he was walking slowly and thoughtfully down the hill he told me as soon as i came up with him that having now discharged his mind of what he had doing in london he meant to set out on his travels that night i asked him where he meant to go he only answered i m a going sir to seek my niece we went back to the little lodging over the s shop and there i found an opportunity of repeating to what he had said to me she informed me in return that he had said the same to her that morning she knew no more than i did where he was going but she thought he had some project shaped out in his mind i did not like to leave him under such circumstances and we all three dined together off a pie which was one of the many good things for which was famous and which was curiously on this occasion i recollect well by a miscellaneous taste of tea coffee butter bacon cheese new candles and continually ascending from the shop after dinner we sat for an hour or so near the window without talking much and then mr got up and brought his bag and his stout stick and laid them on the table	8
he accepted from his sister s stock of ready money a small sum on account of his barely enough i should have thought to keep the personal history and experience him for a month he promised to communicate with me when anything him and he his bag about him took his hat and stick and bade us both good bye all good attend you dear old woman he said embracing and you too r shaking hands with me i m a going to seek her fur and wide if she should come home while i m away but ah that ain t like to be or if i should bring her back my meaning is that she and me shall live and die where no one can t reproach her f any hurt should come to me remember that the last words i left for her was my unchanged love is with my darling child and i forgive her he said this solemnly bare headed then putting on his hat he went down the stairs and away we followed to the door it was a warm dusty evening just the time when in the great main out of which that bye way turned there was a temporary lull in the eternal tread of feet upon the pavement and a strong red sunshine he turned alone at the corner of our shady street into a glow of light in which we lost him rarely did that hour of the evening come rarely did i wake at night rarely did i look up at the moon or stars or watch the falling rain or hear the wind but i thought of his solitary figure toiling on poor pilgrim and recalled the words i m a going to seek her fur and wide if any hurt should come to me remember that the last words i left for her was my unchanged love is with my darling child and i forgive her chapter all this time i had gone on loving harder than ever her idea was my refuge in disappointment and distress and made some amends to me even for the loss of my friend the more i pitied myself or pitied others the more i sought for consolation in the image of the greater the of deceit and trouble in the world the brighter and the purer shone the star of high above the world i don t think i had any definite idea where came from or in what degree she was related to a higher order of beings but i am quite sure i should have the notion of her being simply human like any other young lady with indignation and contempt if i may so express it i was in i was not merely over head and ears in love with her but i was through and through enough love might have been wrung out of me speaking to drown anybody in and yet there would have remained enough within me and all over me to my entire existence the first thing i did on my own account when i came back was to op david take a night walk to and like the subject of a venerable riddle of my childhood to go round and round the house without ever touching the house thinking about i believe the theme of this incomprehensible was the moon no matter what it was i the moon struck slave of round and round the house and garden for two hours looking through in the getting my chin by dint of violent exertion above the rusty nails on the top blowing kisses at the lights in the windows and calling on the night at intervals to shield my i don t exactly know what from i suppose from fire perhaps from to which she had a great objection my love was so much on my mind and it was so natural to me to confide in when i found her again by my side of an evening with the old set of implements busily making the tour of my wardrobe that i imparted to her in a sufficiently way my great secret was strongly interested but i could not get her into my view of the case at all she was prejudiced in my favour and quite unable to understand why i should have any or be low spirited about it the young lady might think herself well off she observed to have such a beau and as to her pa she said what did the gentleman expect for gracious sake i observed however that mr s gown and stiff took down a little and inspired her with a greater reverence for the man who was gradually becoming more and more in my eyes every day and about whom a reflected radiance seemed to me to beam when he sat erect in court among his papers like a little light house in a sea of and by the by it used to be uncommonly strange to me to consider i remember as i sat in court too how those dim old judges and doctors wouldn t have cared for if they had known her how they wouldn t have gone out of their senses with rapture if marriage with had been proposed to them how might have sung and played upon that until she led me to the verge of madness yet not have tempted one of those slow an inch out of his road i despised them to a man out old in the of the heart i took a personal offence against them all the bench was nothing to me but an insensible the bar had no more tenderness or poetry in it than the bar of a public house taking the management of s affairs into my own hands with no little pride i proved the will and came to a settlement with the duty office	8
and took her to the bank and soon got everything into an orderly train we varied the legal character of these proceedings by going to see some wax work in street melted i should hope these twenty years and by visiting miss s exhibition which i remember as a of favorable to self examination and repentance and by the tower of london and going to the top of st paul s all these wonders afforded as much pleasure as she was able to enjoy under existing circumstances except i think st paul s which from her long attachment to her became a rival of the picture on the lid and was in some particulars she considered by that work of art s business which was what we used to call common form the personal history and experience business in the and very light and the business was being settled i took her down to the office one morning to pay her bill mr had stepped out old said to get a gentleman sworn for a marriage license but as i knew he would be back directly our place lying close to the s and to the general s office too i told to wait we were a little like in the as regarded transactions generally making it a rule to look more or less cut up when we had to deal with in mourning in a similar feeling of delicacy we were always and light hearted with the therefore i hinted to that she would find mr much recovered from the shock of mr s and indeed he came in like a bridegroom but neither nor i had eyes for him when we saw in company with him mr he was very little changed his hair looked as thick and was certainly as black as ever and his glance was as little to be trusted as of old ah said mr you know this gentleman i believe i made my gentleman a distant bow and barely recognised him he was at first somewhat disconcerted to meet us two together but quickly decided what to do and came up to me i hope he said that you are doing well it can hardly be interesting to vou said i yes if vou wish to know we looked at each other and he addressed himself to and you said he i am sorry to observe that you have lost your husband it s not the first loss i have had in my hfe mr replied trembling from head to foot i am glad to hope that there is nobody to blame for this one nobody to answer for it ha said he that s a comfortable reflection y ou have done your duty i have not worn any body s life away said i am thankful to think no mr i have not and frightened any sweet to an early grave he eyed her gloomily i thought for an instant and said turning his head towards me but looking at my feet instead of my face we are not likely to encounter soon again a source of satisfaction io us both no doubt for such meetings as this can never be agreeable i do not expect that you who always against my just authority exerted for your benefit and should owe me any good will now there is an between us an old one i believe said i interrupting him he smiled and shot as evil a glance at me as could come from his dark eyes it in your baby breast he said it the life of your poor mother you are right i hope you may do better yet i hope you may correct yourself of david here he ended the dialogue which had been carried on in a low voice in a corner of the outer office by passing into mr s room and saying aloud in his manner gentlemen of mr s profession are accustomed to family differences and know how complicated and difficult they always are with that he paid the money for his license and receiving it neatly folded from mr together with a shake of the hand and a polite wish for his happiness and the lady s went out of the office i might have had more difficulty in myself to be silent under his words if i had had less difficulty in upon who was only angry on my account good creature that we were not in a place for and that i her to hold her peace she was so unusually roused that i was glad to compound for an affectionate by this revival in her mind of our old injuries and to make the best i could of it before mr and the clerks mr did not appear to know what the between mr and myself was which i was glad of for i could not bear to acknowledge him even in my own breast remembering what i did of the history of my poor mother mr seemed to think if he thought anything about the matter that my aunt was the leader of the state party in our family and that there was a rebel party commanded by somebody else so i gathered at least from what he said while we were waiting for mr to make out s bill of costs miss he remarked is very firm no doubt and not likely to give way to opposition i have an admiration for her character and i may congratulate you on being on the right side differences between relations are much to be but they are extremely general and the great thing is to be on the right side meaning i take it on the side of the interest good marriage this i believe said mr i explained that i knew nothing about it indeed he said speaking from the few words mr	8
dropped as a man frequently does on these occasions and from what miss let fall i should say it was rather a good marriage do you mean that there is money sir i asked yes said mr understand there s money beauty too i am told indeed is his new wife young just of age said mr so lately that i should think they had been waiting for that lord deliver her said so very emphatically and unexpectedly that we were all three until came in with the bill old soon appeared however and handed it to mr to look over mr settling his chin in his and rubbing it softly went over the with a air as if it were all s doing and handed it back to with a bland sigh yes he said that s right quite right i should have been extremely happy to have limited these charges to the actual expenditure out of pocket but it is an irksome incident in my professional z the personal history and experience life that i am not at liberty to consult my own wishes i have a partner mr as he said this with a gentle melancholy which was the next thing to making no charge at all i expressed my on s behalf and paid in bank notes then retired to her lodging and mr and i went into court where we had a divorce suit coming on under an ingenious little now i believe but in virtue of which i have seen several marriages of which the merits were these the husband whose name was thomas had taken out his marriage license as thomas only the in case he should not find himself as comfortable as he expected not finding himself as comfortable as he expected or being a little fatigued with his wife poor fellow he now came forward by a friend after being married a year or two and declared that his name was thomas and therefore he was not married at all which the court confirmed to his great satisfaction i must say that i had my doubts about the strict justice of this and was not even frightened out of them by the of wheat which all but mr argued the matter with me he said look at the world there was good and evil in that look at the law there was good and evil in that it was all part of a system very good there you were i had not the to suggest to s father that possibly we might even improve the world a little if we got up early in the morning and took off our coats to the work but i confessed that i thought we might improve the mr replied that he would particularly advise me to dismiss that idea from my mind as not being worthy of my gentlemanly character but that he would be glad to hear from me of what improvement i thought the susceptible taking that part of the which happened to be nearest to us for our man was unmarried by this time and we were out of court and strolling past the office i submitted that i thought the office rather a managed institution mr inquired in what respect i replied with all clue deference to his experience but with more deference i am afraid to his being s father that perhaps it was a little that the of that court containing the original wills of all persons leaving effects within the immense province of for three whole centuries should be an accidental building never designed for the purpose by the for their own private not even ascertained to be choked with the important documents it held and positively from the roof to the a speculation of the who took great from the public and crammed the public s wills away anyhow and anywhere having no other object than to get rid of them that perhaps it was a little unreasonable that these in the receipt of profits to eight or nine thousand pounds a year to say nothing of the profits of the and clerks of seats should not be obliged to spend a little of that money in finding a reasonably safe place for the important documents which all classes of people were compelled to hand over to them whether they would or no of david that perhaps it was a little unjust that all the great offices in this great office should be magnificent while the unfortunate in the cold dark room up stairs were the worst rewarded and the least considered men doing important services in london that perhaps it was a little that the principal of all whose duty it was to find the public constantly to this place all needful accommodation should be an enormous in virtue of that post and might be besides a clergyman a the of a stall in a cathedral and what not while the public was put to the inconvenience of which we had a specimen every afternoon when the office was busy and which we knew to be quite monstrous that perhaps in short this office of the of was altogether such a job and such a absurdity that but for its being squeezed away in a corner of saint paul s churchyard which few people knew it must have been turned completely inside out and down long ago mr smiled as i became modestly warm on the subject and then argued this question with me as he had argued the other he said what was it after all it was a question of feeling if the public felt that their wills were in safe keeping and took it for granted that the office was not to be made better who was the worse for it nobody who was the better for it all the very well then the	8
good it might not be a perfect system nothing was perfect but what he objected to was the of the under the office the country had been glorious the into the office and the country would cease to be glorious he considered it the principle of a gentleman to take things as he found them and he had no doubt the office would last our time i deferred to his opinion though i had great doubts of it myself i find he was right however for it has not only lasted to the present moment but has done so in the teeth of a great report made not too willingly eighteen years ago when all these objections of mine were set forth in detail and when the existing for wills was described as equal to the of only two years and a half more what they have done with them since whether they have lost many or whether they sell any now and then to the butter shops i don t know i am glad mine is not there and i hope it may not go there yet awhile i have set all this down in my present chapter because here it comes into its natural place mr and i falling into this conversation prolonged it and our to and fro until we into general topics and so it came about in the end that mr told me this day week was s birthday and he would be glad if i would come down and join a little on the occasion i went out of my senses immediately became a mere next day on receipt of a little lace edged sheet of note paper favoured by papa to remind and passed the intervening period in a state of i think i committed every possible absurdity in the way of preparation for this blessed event i turn hot when i remember the i bought my boots might be placed in any collection of instruments of torture i provided and sent down by the coach the night before a z the personal history and experience delicate little in itself i thought almost to a declaration there were in it with the tenderest that could be got for money at six in the morning i was in garden market buying a for at ten i was on horseback i hired a gallant grey for the occasion with the in my hat to keep it fresh trotting down to i suppose that when i saw in the garden and pretended not to see her and rode past the house pretending to be anxiously looking for it i committed two small which other young gentlemen in my circumstances might have committed because they came so very natural to me but oh when i did find the house and did at the garden gate and drag those hearted boots across the lawn to sitting on a garden seat under a tree what a spectacle she was upon that beautiful morning among the in a white bonnet and a dress of celestial blue there was a young lady with her comparatively stricken in years almost twenty i should say her name was miss mills and called her she was the bosom friend of happy miss mills was there and would bark at me again when i presented my he his teeth with jealousy well he might if he had the least idea how i adored his mistress well he might oh thank you mr what dear flowers said i had had an intention of saying and had been studying the best form of words for three miles that i thought them beautiful before i saw them so near her but i couldn t manage it she was too bewildering to see her lay the flowers against her little chin was to lose all presence of mind and power of language in a feeble i wonder i didn t say kill me if you have a heart miss mills let me die here then held my flowers to to smell then growled and wouldn t smell them then laughed and held them a little closer to to make him then laid hold of a bit of with his teeth and worried imaginary cats in it then beat him and and said my poor beautiful flowers as i thought as if had laid hold of me i wished he had you be so glad to hear mi said that that cross miss is not here she has gone to her brother s marriage and will be away at least three weeks isn t that delightful i said i was sure it must be delightful to her and all that was delightful to her was delightful to me miss mills with an air of superior wisdom and benevolence smiled upon us she is the most disagreeable thing i ever saw said you can t believe how ill tempered and shocking she is yes i can my dear said you can perhaps love returned with her hand on s forgive my not excepting you my dear at first i learnt from this that miss mills had had her trials in the course of a existence and that to these perhaps i might refer that wise of manner which i had already noticed i found in the course of david of the day that this was the case miss mills having been unhappy in a affection and being understood to have retired from the world on her awful stock of experience but still to take a calm interest in the hopes and loves of youth but now mr came out of the house and went to him saying look papa what beautiful flowers and miss mills smiled thoughtfully as who should say ye may flies enjoy your brief existence in the bright morning of life and we all walked from the lawn towards the carriage which was getting ready	8
i shall never have such a ride again i have never had such another there were only those three their my and the in the and of course the was open and i rode behind it and sat with her back to the horses looking towards me she kept the close to her on the cushion and wouldn t allow to sit on that side of her at all for fear he should crush it she often carried it in her hand often refreshed herself with its fragrance our eyes at those times often met and my great astonishment is that i didn t go over the head of my gallant grey into the carriage there was dust i believe there was a good deal of dust i believe i have a faint impression that mr remonstrated with me for riding in it but i knew of none i was sensible of a mist of love and beauty about but of nothing else he stood up sometimes and asked me what i thought of the prospect i said it was delightful and i it was but it was all to me the sun shone and the birds sang the south wind blew and the wild flowers in the hedges were all to a bud my comfort is miss mills understood me miss mills alone could enter into my feelings thoroughly i don t know how long we were going and to this hour i know as little where we went perhaps it was near perhaps some night opened up the place for the day and shut it for ever when we came away it was a green spot on a hill with soft turf there were shady trees and and as far as the eye could see a rich landscape it was a trying thing to find people here waiting for us and my jealousy even of the ladies knew no bounds but all of my own sex especially one three or four years my elder with a red on which he established an amount of presumption not be endured were my mortal foes we all our baskets and employed ourselves in getting dinner ready bed pretended he could make a which i don t believe and himself on public notice some of the young ladies washed the for him and them under his directions was among these i felt that fate had me against this man and one of us must fall bed made his i wondered how they could eat it nothing should have induced me to touch it and himself into the charge of the wine cellar which he constructed being an ingenious beast in the hollow trunk of a tree by and by i saw him with the majority of a on his plate eating his dinner at the feet of i have but an indistinct idea of what happened for some time after this the personal history and experience object presented itself to my view i was very merry i know but it was hollow merriment i attached myself to a young creature in pink with little eyes and with her desperately she received my attentions with favour but whether on my account solely or because she had any designs on i can t say s health was drunk when i drank it i affected to interrupt my conversation for that purpose and to resume it immediately afterwards i caught s eye as i bowed to her and i thought it looked appealing but it looked at me over the head of and i was the young creature in pink had a mother in green and i rather think the latter separated us from motives of policy there was a general breaking up of the party while the of the dinner were being put away and i strolled by myself among the trees in a raging and state i was whether i should pretend that i was not well and fly i don t know where upon my gallant grey when and miss mills met me mr said miss mills you are dull i begged her pardon not at all and said miss mills you are dull oh dear no not in the least mr and said miss mills with an almost venerable air enough of this do not allow a trivial misunderstanding to the blossoms of spring which once put forth and can not be renewed i speak said miss mills from experience of the past the remote past the fountains which sparkle in the sun must not be stopped in mere caprice the in the desert of must not be plucked up idly i hardly knew what i did i was burning all over to that extraordinary extent but i took s little hand and kissed it and she let me i kissed miss mills s hand and we all seemed to my thinking to go straight up to the seventh heaven we did not come down again we stayed up there all the evening at first we strayed to and fro among the trees i with s shy arm drawn through mine and heaven knows folly as it all was it would have been a happy fate to have been struck immortal with those foolish feelings and have strayed among the trees for ever but much too soon we heard the others laughing and talking and calling where s so we went back and they wanted to sing would have got the case out of the carriage but told him nobody knew where it was but i so was done for in a moment and i got it and unlocked it and i took the out and sat by her and i held her handkerchief and gloves and i drank in every note of her dear voice and she sang to me who loved her and all the others might as much as they liked but	8
hope your poor horse was not tired when he got home at night said lifting up her beautiful eyes it was a long way for him i began to think i would do it to day it was a long way for him said i for he had nothing to him on the journey wasn t he fed poor thing asked i began to think i would pat it off till to morrow ye yes i said he was well taken care of i mean he had not the unutterable happiness that i had in being so near you bent her head over her drawing and said after a little while i had sat in the interval in a burning fever and with my legs in a very rigid state you didn t seem to be sensible of that happiness yourself at one time of the day i saw now that i was in for it and it must be done on the spot you didn t care for that happiness in the least said slightly raising her eyebrows and shaking her head when you were sitting by miss i should observe was the name of the creature in pink with the little eyes though certainly i don t know why you should said or why of david you should call it a happiness at all but of course you don t mean what you say and i am sure no one doubts your being at liberty to do whatever you like you naughty boy come here i don t know how i did it i did it in a moment i i had in my arms i was full of eloquence i never stopped for a word i told her how i loved her i told her i should die without her i told her that i and worshipped her madly all the time when hung her head and cried and trembled my eloquence increased so much the more if she would like me to die for her she had but to say the word and i was ready life without s love was not a thing to have on any terms i couldn t bear it and i wouldn t i had loved her every minute day and night since i first saw her i loved her at that minute to distraction i should always love her every minute to distraction lovers had loved before and lovers would love again but no lover had ever loved might could would or should ever love as i loved the more i the more each of us in his own way got more mad every moment well well and i were sitting on the sofa by and by quiet enough and was lying in her lap peacefully at me it was off my mind i was in a state of perfect rapture and i were engaged i suppose we had some notion that this was to end in marriage we must have had some because that we were never to be married without her papa s consent but in our youthful i don t think that we really looked before us or behind us or had any beyond the ignorant present we were to keep our secret from mr but i am sure the idea never entered my head then that there was anything in that miss mills was more than usually pensive when going to find her brought her back i apprehend because there was a tendency in what had passed to awaken the echoes in the of memory but she gave us her blessing and the assurance of her lasting friendship and spoke to us generally as became a voice from the what an idle time it was what an happy foolish time it was when i measured s finger for a ring that was to be made of forget me and when the to whom i took the measure found me out and laughed over his order book and charged me anything he liked for the pretty little toy with its blue stones so associated in my remembrance with s hand that yesterday when i saw such another by chance on the finger of my own daughter there was a momentary stirring in my heart like pain when i walked about exalted with my secret and full of my own interest and felt the dignity of loving and of being beloved so much that if i had walked the air i could not have been more above the people not so situated who were creeping on the earth when we had those meetings in the garden of the square and sat within the dingy summer house so happy that i love the london to this hour for nothing else and see the of the in their smoky feathers the personal history and experience when we had our first great quarrel within a week of our and when sent me back the ring enclosed in a despairing note wherein she used the terrible expression that our love had begun in folly and ended in madness which dreadful words occasioned me to tear my hair and cry that all was over when under cover of the night i flew to miss mills whom i saw by in a back kitchen where there was a and implored miss mills to between us and insanity when miss mills undertook the office and returned with us from the pulpit of her own bitter youth to mutual concession and the of the desert of when we cried and made it up and were so again that the and all changed to love s own temple where we arranged a plan of correspondence through miss mills always to comprehend at least one letter on each side every day what an idle time what an happy foolish time of all the times of mine that time has in his grip there	8
is none that in one i can smile at half so much and think of half so tenderly chapter xxx y my aunt me i wrote to as soon as and i were engaged i wrote her a long letter in which i tried to make her comprehend how i was and what a darling was i entreated not to regard this as a thoughtless passion which could ever yield to any other or had the least resemblance to the boyish fancies that we used to joke about i assured her that its was quite and expressed my belief that nothing like it had ever been known somehow as i wrote to on a fine evening by my open window and the remembrance of her clear calm eyes and gentle face came stealing over me it shed such a peaceful influence upon the hurry and agitation in which i had been living lately and of which my very happiness partook in some degree that it soothed me into tears i remember that i sat resting my head upon my hand when the letter was half done a general fancy as if were one of the elements of my natural home as if in the retirement of the house made almost sacred to me by her presence and i must be happier than anywhere as if in love joy sorrow hope or disappointment in all emotions my heart turned naturally there and found its refuge and best friend of i said nothing i only told her there had been sad grief at on account of s flight and that on me it made a op david double wound by reason of the circumstances attending it i knew how quick she always was to divine the truth and that she would never be the first to breathe his name to this letter i received an answer by return of post as i read it i seemed to hear speaking to me it was like her cordial voice in my ears what can i say more while i had been away from home lately had called twice or thrice finding within and being informed by who always volunteered that information to would receive it that she was my old nurse he had established a good humoured acquaintance with her and had stayed to have a little chat with her about me so said but i am afraid the chat was all on her own side and of length as she was very difficult indeed to stop god bless her when she had me for her theme this reminds me not only that i expected on a certain afternoon of his own which was now come but that mrs had resigned everything to her office the salary until should cease to present herself mrs after holding divers conversations respecting in a very high pitched voice on the staircase with some invisible familiar it would appear for speaking she was quite alone at those times addressed a letter to me developing her views beginning it with that statement of universal application which fitted every occurrence of her life namely that she was a mother herself she went on to inform me that she had once seen very different days but that at all periods of her existence she had had a constitutional objection to and she named no names she said let them the cap fitted wear it but and especially in weeds this was she had ever accustomed herself to look down upon if a gentleman was the victim of and but still no names that was his own pleasure he had a right to please himself so let him do all that she mrs for was that she should not be brought in contract with such persons therefore she begged to be excused from any further attendance on the top set until things was as they formerly was and as they could be wished to be and further mentioned that her little book would be found upon the breakfast table every saturday morning when she requested an immediate settlement of the same with the benevolent view of saving trouble and an ill to all parties after this mrs confined herself to making on the stairs principally with and endeavouring to into breaking her legs i found it rather to live in this state of siege but was too much afraid of mrs to see any way out of it my dear cried appearing at my door in spite of all these obstacles how do you do my dear said i i am delighted to see you at last and very sorry i have not been at home before but i have been so much engaged yes yes i know said of course your s lives in london i think the personal history and experience what did you say she excuse me miss d you know said colouring in his great delicacy lives in london i believe oh yes near london mine perhaps you recollect said with a serious look lives down in one of ten consequently i am not so much engaged as you in that sense i wonder you can bear i returned to see her so seldom said thoughtfully it does seem a wonder i suppose it is because there s no help for it i suppose so i replied with a smile and not without a blush and because you have so much constancy and patience dear me said considering about it do i strike you in that way really i didn t know that i had but she is such an dear girl herself that it s possible she may have imparted something of those virtues to me now you mention it i shouldn t wonder at all i assure you she is always forgetting herself and taking care of the other nine is she the eldest i inquired oh dear no said	8
the world i never shall forget him peeping round the corner of the street in court while was for the precious articles or his agitation when she came slowly towards us after vainly offering a price and was hailed by the aud went back again the end of the was that she bought the property on tolerably easy terms and was transported with pleasure i am very much obliged to you indeed said on hearing it was to be sent to where he lived that night if i might ask one other favor i hope you wouldn t think it absurd i said beforehand certainly not then if you would be good enough said to to get the flower pot now i think i should like it being s to carry it home myself was glad to get it for him and he overwhelmed her with thanks and went his way up court carrying the affectionately in his arms with one of the most delighted expressions of countenance i ever saw we then turned back towards my chambers as the shops had charms for which i never knew them possess in the same degree for anybody else i sauntered easily along amused by her staring in at the windows and waiting for her as often as she chose we were thus a good while in getting to the on our way upstairs i called her attention to the sudden disappearance of mrs s and also to the prints of recent footsteps we were both very much surprised coming higher up to find my outer door standing open which i had shut and to hear voices inside we looked at one another without knowing what to make of this and went into the sitting room what was my amazement to find of all people upon earth my aunt there and mr dick my aunt sitting on a quantity of luggage with her two birds before her and her cat on her knee like a female robinson drinking tea mr dick leaning thoughtfully on a great such as we had often been out together to fly with more luggage piled about him my dear aunt cried i why what an unexpected pleasure we cordially embraced and mr dick and i cordially shook hands and mrs who was busy making tea and could not be too attentive of david cordially said she had well as mr would have his heart in his mouth when he see his dear relations said nay aunt to who before her awful presence how are you you remember my aunt said i the love of goodness child exclaimed my aunt don t call the woman by that south sea island name if she married and got rid of it which was the best thing she could do why don t you give her the benefit of the change what s your name now p said my aunt as a compromise for the ma am said with a well that s human said my aunt it sounds less as if you wanted a missionary how d ye do i hope you re well encouraged by these gracious words and by my aunt s extending her hand came forward and took the hand and her we are older than we were i see said my aunt we have only met each other once before you know a nice business we made of it then trot my dear another cup i handed it to my aunt who was in her usual state of figure and ventured a remonstrance with her on the subject of her sitting on a box let me draw the sofa here or the easy chair aunt said i why should you be so uncomfortable thank you trot replied my aunt i prefer to sit upon my property here my aunt looked hard at mrs and observed we needn t trouble you to wait ma am shall i put a little more tea in the pot afore i go ma am said mrs no i thank you ma am replied my aunt would you let me fetch another pat of butter ma am said mrs or would you be persuaded to try a new laid or should i a ain t there nothing i could do for your dear aunt mr nothing ma am returned my aunt i shall do very well i thank you mrs who had been incessantly smiling to express sweet temper and incessantly holding her head on one side to express a general of constitution and incessantly rubbing her hands to express a desire to be of service to all deserving objects gradually smiled herself one sided herself and rubbed herself out of the room dick said my aunt you know what i told you about and wealth mr dick with rather a scared look as if he had forgotten it returned a hasty answer in the affirmative mrs is one of them said my aunt i trouble you to look after the tea and let me have another cup for i don t fancy that woman s pouring out i knew my aunt sufficiently well to know that she had something of importance on her mind and that there was far more matter in this the personal history and experience arrival than a stranger might have supposed i noticed how her eye lighted on me when she thought my attention otherwise occupied and what a curious process of hesitation appeared to be going on within her while she preserved her outward and composure i began to reflect whether i had done anything to offend her and my conscience whispered me that i had not yet told her about could it by any means be that i wondered as i knew she would only speak in her own good time i sat down near her and spoke to the birds and played with the cat and was as easy as i	8
could be but i was very far from being really easy and i should still have been so even if mr dick leaning over the great behind my aunt had not taken every secret opportunity of shaking his head darkly at me and pointing at her trot said my aunt at last when she had finished her tea and carefully smoothed down her dress and wiped her lips you needn t go trot have you got to be firm and self i hope so aunt what do you think inquired miss i think so aunt then why my love said my aunt looking earnestly at me why do you think i prefer to sit upon this property of mine to night i shook my head unable to guess because said my aunt it s all i have because i m ruined my dear if the house and every one of us had tumbled out into the river together i could hardly have received a greater shock dick knows it said my aunt laying her hand calmly on my shoulder i am ruined my dear trot all i have in the world is in this room except the cottage and that i have left to let i want to get a bed for this gentleman to night to save expense perhaps you can make up something here for myself anything will do it s only for to night we talk about this more to morrow i was roused from my amazement and concern for her i am sure for her by her falling on my neck for a moment and crying that she only grieved for me in another moment she suppressed this emotion and said with an aspect more triumphant than dejected we must meet boldly and not suffer them to frighten us my dear we must learn to act the play out we must live misfortune down trot of david chapter depression as soon as i could recover my presence of mind which quite deserted me in the first overpowering shock of my aunt s intelligence i proposed to mr dick to come round to the s shop and take possession of the bed which mr had lately the s shop being in market and market being a very different place in those days there was a low wooden before the door not very unlike that before the house where the little man and woman used to live in the old weather glass which pleased mr dick the glory of lodging over this structure would have him i dare say for many but as there were really few to bear beyond the compound of i have already mentioned and perhaps the want of a little more elbow room he was perfectly charmed with his accommodation mrs had indignantly assured him that there wasn t room to swing a cat there but as mr dick justly observed to me sitting down on the foot of the bed nursing his leg you know i don t want to swing a cat i never do swing a cat therefore what does that signify to me i tried to ascertain whether mr dick had any understanding of the causes of this sudden and great change in my aunt s affairs as i might have expected he had none at all the only account he could give of it was that my aunt had said to him the day before yesterday now dick are you really and truly the philosopher i take you for that then he had said yes he hoped so that then my aunt had said dick i am ruined that then he had said oh indeed that then my aunt had praised him highly which he was very glad of and that then they had come to me and had had porter and on the road mr dick was so very complacent sitting on the foot of the bed nursing his leg and telling me this with his eyes wide open and a surprised smile that i am sorry to say i was provoked into explaining to him that ruin meant distress want and starvation but i was soon bitterly for this by seeing his face turn pale and tears course down his lengthened cheeks while he fixed upon me a look of such unutterable woe that it might have softened a far harder heart than mine i took infinitely greater pains to cheer him up again than i had taken to him and i soon understood as i ought to have known at first that he had been so confident merely because of his faith in the wisest and most wonderful of women and his unbounded reliance on my intellectual resources the latter i believe he considered a match for any kind of disaster not absolutely mortal what can we do said mr dick there s the memorial a a the personal history and experience to be sure there is said i but all we can do just now mr dick is to keep a cheerful countenance and not let mv aunt see that we are thinking about it he assented to this in the most earnest manner and implored me if i should see him wandering an inch out of the right course to him of those superior methods which were always at my command but i regret to state that the fright i had given him proved too much for his best attempts at concealment all the evening his eyes wandered to my aunt s face with an expression of the most dismal apprehension as if he saw her growing thin on the spot he was conscious of this and put a upon his head but his keeping that immovable and sitting rolling his eyes like a piece of machinery did not mend the matter at all i saw him look at the loaf at supper which happened to be a small	8
a hope that this brisk treatment might my wits a little and i think it did them good for i soon came to the conclusion that the first step i ought to take was to try if my articles could be and the recovered i got some breakfast on the heath and walked back to doctors along the watered roads and through a pleasant smell of summer flowers growing in gardens and carried into town on heads intent on this first effort to meet our altered circumstances i arrived at the office so soon after all that i had half an hour s about the before old who was always first appeared with his key then i sat down in my shady corner looking up at the sunlight the personal history and experience on the opposite chimney pots and thinking about until mr came in crisp and curly how are you said he fine morning beautiful morning sir said i could i say a word to you before you go into court by all means said he come into my room i followed him into his room and he began putting on his gown and touching himself up before a little glass he had hanging inside a closet door i am sorry to say said i that i have some rather intelligence from my aunt no said he dear me not i hope it has no reference to her health sir i replied she has met with some large losses in fact she has very little left indeed you as me cried mr i shook my head indeed sir said i her affairs are so changed that i wished to ask you whether it would be possible at a sacrifice on our part of some portion of the of course i put in this on the spur of the moment warned by the blank expression of his face to my articles what it cost me to make this proposal nobody knows it was like asking as a favor to be to from to your articles i explained with tolerable firmness that i really did not know where my means of were to come from unless i could earn them for myself i had no fear for the future i said and i laid great emphasis on that as if to imply that i should still be decidedly eligible for a law one of these days but for the present i was thrown upon my own resources i am extremely sorry to hear this said mr extremely sorry it is not usual to articles for any such reason it is not a professional course of proceeding it is not a convenient precedent at all far from it at the same time you are very good sir i murmured a concession not at all don t mention it said mr at the same time i was going to say if it had been my lot to have my hands if i had not a partner mr my hopes were dashed in a moment but i made another effort do you think sir said i if i were to mention it to mr mr shook his head heaven forbid he replied that i should do any man an injustice still less mr but i know my partner mr is not a man to respond to a proposition of this peculiar nature mr is very difficult to move from the beaten track you know what he is i am sure i knew nothing about him except that he had originally been alone in the business and now lived by himself in a house near square which was fearfully in want of painting that he came very late of a day and went away very early that he never appeared to be consulted about anything and that he had a dingy little black hole of his own up stairs where no business was ever done and where there was a yellow old paper upon his desk by ink and reported to be twenty years of age of david would you object to my mentioning it to him sir i asked by no means said mr but i have some experience of mr i wish it were otherwise for i should be happy to meet your views in any respect i cannot have the least objection to your mentioning it to mr if you think it worth while myself of this permission which was given with a warm shake of the hand i sat thinking about and looking at the sunlight stealing from the chimney pots down the wall of the opposite house until mr came i then went up to mr s room and evidently astonished mr very much by making my appearance there come in mr said mr come in i went in and sat down and stated my case to mr pretty much as i had stated it to mr mr was not by any means the awful creature one might have expected but a large mild man of sixty who took so much snuff that there was a tradition in the that he lived principally on that having little room in his system for any other article of diet you have mentioned this to mr i suppose said mr when he had heard me very to an end i answered yes and told him that mr had introduced his name he said i should object asked mr i was obliged to admit that mr had considered it probable i am sorry to say mr i can t advance your object said mr nervously the fact is but i have an appointment at the bank if you have the goodness to excuse me with that he rose in a great hurry and was going out of the room when i made bold to say that i feared then there was no way of	8
arranging the matter no said mr stopping at the door to shake his head oh no i object you know which he said very rapidly and went out you must be aware mr he added looking in at the door again if mr objects personally he does not object sir said i oh personally repeated mr in an impatient manner i assure you there s an objection mr hopeless what you wish to be done can t be done i i really have got an appointment at the bank with that he fairly ran away and to the best of my knowledge it was three days before he showed himself in the again being very anxious to leave no stone i waited until mr came in and then described what had passed giving him to understand that i was not hopeless of his being able to soften the if he would undertake that task returned mr with a sagacious smile you have not known my partner mr as long as i have nothing is farther from my thoughts than to attribute any degree of to mr but mr has a way of stating his objections which often people no shaking his head mr is not to be moved believe me the personal history and experience i was completely bewildered between mr and mr as to which of them really was the partner but i saw with sufficient clearness that there was somewhere in the firm and that the recovery of my aunt s thousand pounds was out of the question in a state of despondency which remember with anything but satisfaction for i know it still had too much reference to myself though always in with i left the office and went homeward i was trying to my mind with the worst and to present to myself the arrangements we should have to make for the future in their aspect when a chariot coming after me and stopping at my very feet occasioned me to look up a fair hand was stretched forth to me from the window and the face i had never seen without a feeling of serenity and happiness from the moment when it first turned back on the old oak staircase with the great broad and when i associated its softened beauty with the stained glass window in the church was smiling on me i joyfully exclaimed oh my dear of all people in the world what a pleasure to see you is it indeed she said in her cordial voice i want to talk to you so much said i it s such a of my heart only to look at you if i had had a s cap there is no one i should have wished for but you what returned well perhaps first i admitted with a blush certainly first i hope said laughing but you next said i where are you going she was going to my rooms to see my aunt the day being very fine she was glad to come out of the chariot which smelt i had my head in it all this time like a stable put under a frame i dismissed the coachman and she took my arm and we walked on together she was like hope embodied to me how different i felt in one short minute having at my side my aunt had written her one of the odd abrupt notes very little longer than a bank note to which her efforts were usually limited she had stated therein that she had fallen into and was leaving for good but had quite made up her mind to it and was so well that nobody need be uncomfortable about her had come to london to see my aunt between whom and herself there had been a mutual liking these many years indeed it dated from the time of my taking up my residence in mr s house she was not alone she said her papa was with her and and now they are partners said i confound him yes said they have some business here and i took advantage of their coming to come too you must not think my visit all friendly and disinterested for i am afraid i may be cruelly prejudiced i do not like to let papa go away alone with him does he exercise the same influence over mr still shook her head there is such a change at home said she that you would scarcely know the dear old house they live with us now they said i of david mr and his mother he sleeps in your old room said looking np into my face i wish i had the ordering of his dreams said i he wouldn t sleep there long i keep my own little room said where i used to learn my lessons how the time goes you remember the little room that opens from the drawing room when i saw you for the first time coming out at the door with your quaint little basket of keys hanging at your side it is just the same said smiling i am glad you think of it so pleasantly we were very happy we were indeed said i i keep that room to myself still but i cannot always desert mrs you know and so said quietly i feel obliged to bear her company when i might prefer to be alone but i have no other reason to complain of her if she me sometimes by her praises of her son it is only natural in a mother he is a very good son to her i looked at when she said these words without in her any consciousness of s design her mild but earnest eyes met mine with their own beautiful frankness and there was no change in her gentle face the chief evil of their presence in the	8
house said is that i cannot be as near papa as i could wish being so much between us and cannot watch over him if that is not too bold a thing to say as closely as i would but if any fraud or treachery is against him i hope that simple love and truth will be stronger in the end i hope that real love and truth are stronger in the end than any evil or misfortune in the world a certain bright smile which i never saw on any other face died away even while i thought how good it was and how familiar it had once been to me and she asked me with a quick change of expression we were drawing very near my street if i knew how the reverse in my aunt s circumstances had been brought about on my replying no she had not told me yet became thoughtful and i fancied i felt her arm tremble in mine we found my aunt alone in a state of some excitement a difference of opinion had arisen between herself and mrs on an abstract question the propriety of chambers being inhabited by the sex and my aunt utterly indifferent to on the part of mrs had cut the dispute short by informing that lady that she smelt of my brandy and that she would trouble her to walk out both of these expressions mrs considered and had expressed her intention of bringing before a british meaning it was supposed the of our national liberties my aunt however having had time to cool while was out showing mr dick the soldiers at the horse guards and being besides greatly pleased to see rather herself on the affair than otherwise and received us with good humour when laid her bonnet on the table and sat down beside her i could not but think looking on her mild eyes and her radiant forehead how natural it the personal history and experience seemed to have her there how although she was so young and inexperienced my aunt confided in her how strong she was indeed in simple love and truth we began to talk about my aunt s losses and i told them what i had tried to do that morning which was trot said my aunt but well meant you are a generous boy i suppose i must say young man now and i am proud of you my dear so far so good now trot and let us look the case of in the face and see how it stands i observed turn pale as she looked very attentively at my aunt my aunt patting her cat looked very attentively at said my aunt who had always kept her money matters to herself i don t mean your sister trot my dear but myself had a certain property it don t matter how much enough to live on more for she had saved a little and added to it her property for some time and then by the advice of her man of business laid it out on landed security that did very well and returned very good interest till was paid off i am talking of as if she was a man of war well then had to look about her for a new she thought she was wiser now than her man of business who was not such a good man of business by this time as he used to be i am alluding to your father and she took it into her head to lay it out for herself so she took her pigs said my aunt to a foreign market and a very bad market it turned out to be first she lost in the way and then she lost in the way fishing up treasure or some such tom nonsense explained my aunt rubbing her nose and then she lost in the way again and last of all to set the thing entirely to rights she lost in the way i don t know what the bank shares were worth for a little while said my aunt cent per cent was the lowest of it i believe but the bank was at the other end of the world and tumbled into space for what i know anyhow it fell to pieces and never will and never can pay sixpence and s were all there and there s an end of them least said mended my aunt concluded this philosophical summary by fixing her eyes with a kind of triumph on whose color was gradually returning dear miss is that all the history said i hope it s enough child said my aunt if there had been more money to lose it wouldn t have been all i dare say would have contrived to throw that after the rest and make another chapter i have little doubt but there was no more money and there s no more story had listened at first with suspended breath her color still came and went but she breathed more freely i thought i knew why i thought she had had some fear that her unhappy father might be in some way to blame for what had happened my aunt took her hand in hers and laughed is that all repeated my aunt why yes that s all except and she lived happy ever afterwards perhaps i may add that of yet one of these days now you have a wise head so have you trot in some things though i can t compliment you always and here my aunt shook her own at me with an energy peculiar to herself what s to be done here s the cottage taking one time with of david another will produce say seventy pounds a year i think we may safely put it down at that	8
well that s all we ve got said my aunt with whom it was an as it is with some horses to stop very short when she appeared to be in a fair way of going on for a long while then said my aunt after a rest there s dick he s good for a hundred a year but of course that must be expended on himself i would sooner send him away though i know i am the only person who him than have him and not spend his money on himself how can trot and i do best upon our means what do you say say aunt i interposed that i must do something go for a soldier do you mean returned my aunt alarmed or go to sea i won t hear of it you are to be a we re not going to have any on the head in this family if you please sir i was about to explain that i was not desirous of introducing that mode of provision into the family when inquired if my rooms were held for any long term you come to the point my dear said my aunt they are not to be got rid of for six months at least unless they could be and that i don t believe the last man died here five people out of six would die of course of that woman in with the flannel i have a little ready money and i agree with you the best thing we can do is to live the term out here and get dick a bed room hard by i thought it my duty to hint at the discomfort my aunt would sustain from living in a continual state of warfare with mrs but she disposed of that objection by declaring that on the first demonstration of she was prepared to astonish mrs for the whole remainder of her natural life i have been thinking said that if you had time i have a good deal of time i am always disengaged after four or five o clock and i have time early in the morning in one way and another said i conscious of a little as i thought of the hours and hours i had devoted to about town and to and fro upon the i have abundance of time i know you would not mind said coming to me and speaking in a low voice so full of sweet and hopeful consideration that i hear it now the duties of a secretary mind my dear because continued doctor strong has acted on his intention of retiring and has come to live in london and he asked papa i know if he could recommend him one don t you think he would rather have his favorite old pupil near him than anybody else dear said i what should i do without you you are always my good angel i told you so i never think of you in any other light answered with her pleasant laugh that one good angel meaning was enough and went on to remind me that the doctor had been used to occupy himself in his study early in the morning and m the and that probably my leisure would suit his very well i was scarcely more delighted with the prospect of earning my the personal history and experience own bread than with the hope of earning it under my old master in short acting on the advice of i sat down and wrote a letter to the doctor stating my object and to call on him next day at ten in the this i addressed to for in that place so memorable to me he lived and went out and posted myself without losing a minute wherever was some agreeable token of her noiseless presence seemed inseparable from the place when i came back i found my aunt s birds hanging just as they had hung so long in the parlor window of the cottage and my easy chair my aunt s much easier chair in its position at the open window and even the round green fan which my aunt had brought away with her on to the window sill i knew who had done all this by its seeming to have quietly done itself and i should have known in a moment who had arranged my neglected books in the old order of my school days even if i had supposed to be miles away instead of seeing her busy with them and smiling at the disorder into which they had fallen my aunt was quite gracious on the subject of the thames it really did look very well with the sun upon it though not like the sea before the cottage but she could not towards the london smoke which she said everything a complete revolution in which bore a prominent part was being effected in every corner of my rooms in regard of this and i was looking on thinking how little even seemed to do with a good deal of bustle and how much did without any bustle at all when a knock came at the door i think said turning pale it s papa he promised me that he would come i opened the door and admitted not only mr but i had not seen mr for some time i was prepared for a great change in him after what i had heard from but his appearance shocked me it was not that he looked many years older though still dressed with the old scrupulous cleanliness or that there was an upon his face or that his eyes were full and or that there was a nervous trembling in his hand the cause of which i knew and had for some years seen at work it was not that he had lost	8
his good looks or his old bearing of a gentleman for that he had not but the thing that struck me most was that with the evidences of his native superiority still upon him he should submit himself to that crawling of meanness the of the two natures in their relative positions s of power and mr s of dependence was a sight more painful to me than i can express if i had seen an taking command of a man i should hardly have thought it a more degrading spectacle he appeared to be only too conscious of it himself when he came in he stood still and with his head bowed as if he felt it this was only for a moment for softly said to him papa here is miss and trot wood whom you have not seen for a long while and then he approached and gave my aunt his hand and shook hands more cordially with me in the moment s pause i speak of i saw s countenance form itself into a most ill favored smile saw it too i think for she shrank from him l of david what my aunt saw or did not see i defy the science of to have made out without her own consent i believe there never was anybody with such an countenance when she chose her face might have been a dead wall on the occasion in question for any light it threw upon her thoughts until she broke silence with her usual well said my aunt and he looked up at her for the first time i have been telling your daughter how well i have been of my money for myself because i couldn t trust it to you as you were growing rusty in business matters we have been taking counsel together and getting on very well all things considered is worth the whole firm in my opinion if i may make the remark said with a i fully agree with miss and should be only too if miss was a partner you re a partner yourself you know returned my aunt and that s about enough for you i expect how do you find yourself sir in acknowledgment of this question addressed to him with extraordinary mr clutching the blue bag he carried replied that he was pretty well he thanked my aunt and hoped she was the same and you master i should say pursued i hope i see you well i am rejoiced to see you even under present circumstances i believed that for he seemed to relish them very much present circumstances is not what your friends would wish for you but it isn t money makes the man it s i am really unequal with my powers to express what it is said with a jerk but it isn t money here he shook hands with me not in the common way but standing at a good distance from me and lifting my hand up and down like a pump handle that he was a little afraid of and how do you think we are looking master i should say don t you find mr blooming sir years don t tell much in our firm master except in raising up the namely mother and self and in developing he added as an after thought the beautiful namely miss he jerked himself about after this compliment in such an intolerable manner that my aunt who had sat looking straight at him lost all patience deuce take the man said my aunt sternly what s he about don t be sir i ask your pardon miss returned i m aware you re nervous go along with you sir said my aunt anything but appeased don t presume to say so i am nothing of the sort if you re an sir conduct yourself like one if you re a man control your limbs sir good god said my aunt with great indignation i am not going to be and out of my senses mr was rather abashed as most people might have been by this explosion which derived great additional force from the indignant manner in which my aunt afterwards moved in her chair and shook her the personal history and experience head as if she were making or at him but he said to me aside in a meek voice i am well aware master that miss though an excellent lady has a quick temper indeed i think i had the pleasure of knowing her when i was a clerk before you did master and it s only natural i am sure that it should be made quicker by present circumstances the wonder is that it isn t much worse i only called to say that if there was anything we could do in present circumstances mother or self or and we should be really glad i may go so far said with a sickly smile at his partner said mr in a monotonous forced way is active in the business what he says i quite in you know i had an old interest in you apart from that what says i quite in oh what a reward it is said drawing up one leg at the risk of bringing down upon himself another from my aunt to be so trusted in but i hope i am able to do something to relieve him from the of business master is a great relief to me said mr in the same dull voice it s a load off my mind to have such a partner the red fox made him say all this i knew to exhibit him to me in the light he had indicated on the night when he poisoned my rest i saw the same ill favored smile upon his face again and saw how he watched me you are	8
not going papa said anxiously will you not walk back with and me he would have looked to i believe before replying if that worthy had not anticipated him i am myself said on business otherwise i should have been to have kept with my friends but i leave my partner to represent the firm miss ever yours i wish you good day master and leave my respects for miss with those words he retired kissing his great hand and at us like a mask we sat there talking about our pleasant old days an hour or two mr left to soon became more like his former self though there was a settled depression upon him which he never shook off for all that he brightened and had an evident pleasure in hearing us recall the little incidents of our old life many of which he remembered very well he said it was like those times to be alone with and me again and he wished to heaven they had never changed i am sure there was an influence in the placid face of and in the very touch of her hand upon his arm that did wonders for him my aunt who was busy nearly all this while with in the inner room would not accompany us to the place where they were staying but insisted on my going and i went we dined together after dinner sat beside him as of old and poured out his wine he took what she gave him and no more like a child and we all three sat together at a window as the evening gathered in when it was almost dark he lay down on a sofa his head and bending over him a little while and when she came back to the window it was not so dark but i could see tears glittering in her eyes of david i pray heaven that i never may forget the dear girl in her love and truth at that time of my life for if i should i must be drawing near the end and then i would desire to remember her best she filled my heart with such good resolutions strengthened my weakness so by her example so directed i know not how she was too modest and gentle to advise me in many words the wandering and unsettled purpose within me that all the little good i have done and all the harm i have i solemnly believe i may refer to her and how she spoke to me of sitting at the window in the dark listened to my praises of her praised again and round the little shed some glimpses of her own pure light that made it yet more precious and more innocent to me oh sister of my boyhood if i had known then what i knew long afterwards there was a beggar in the street when i went down and as i turned my head towards the window thinking of her calm eyes he made me start by muttering as if he were an echo of the morning blind blind blind chapter enthusiasm i began the next day with another into the bath and then started for i was not now i was not afraid of the shabby coat and had no after gallant my whole manner of thinking of our late misfortune was changed what i had to do was to show my aunt that her past goodness to me had not been thrown away on an insensible ungrateful object what i had to do was to turn the painful discipline of my younger days to account by going to work with a resolute and steady heart what i had to do was to take my s axe in my hand and clear my own way through the forest of difficulty by cutting down the trees until i came to and i went on at a mighty rate as if it could be done by walking when i found myself on the familiar road pursuing such a different errand from that old one of pleasure with which it was associated it seemed as if a complete change had come on my whole life but that did not me with the new life came new purpose new intention great was the labor the reward was the reward and must be won i got into such a transport that i felt quite sorry my coat was not a little shabby already i wanted to be cutting at those trees in the forest of difficulty under circumstances that should prove my strength i had a good mind to ask an old man in wire spectacles who was breaking stones upon the road to lend me his hammer for a little while and let me begin to beat a path to out of granite i stimulated myself into such a heat and got so out of breath that i felt as if i had been earning the personal history and experience i don t know how much in this state i went into a cottage that i saw was to let and examined it narrowly for i felt it necessary to be practical it would do for me and admirably with a little front garden for to run about in and bark at the through the and a capital room up stairs for my aunt i came out again and faster than ever and dashed up to at such a rate that i was there an hour too early and though i had not been should have been obliged to stroll about to cool myself before i was at all my first care after putting myself under this necessary course of preparation was to find the doctor s house it was not in that part of where mrs lived but quite on the opposite side of the little town when i had	8
depths of mortal sagacity my dear young friend you have hit it it is the dictionary b b the personal history and experience how could it be anything else his pockets were as full of it as his head it was sticking out of him in all directions he told me that since his retirement from life he had been advancing with it wonderfully and that nothing could suit him better than the proposed arrangements for morning and evening work as it was his custom to walk about in the day time with his considering cap on his papers were in a little confusion in consequence of mr jack having lately proffered his occasional services as an and not being accustomed to that occupation but we should soon put right what was amiss and go on afterwards when we were fairly at our work i found mr jack s efforts more troublesome to me than i had expected as he had not confined himself to making numerous mistakes but had so many soldiers and ladies heads over the doctor s manuscript that i often became involved in of obscurity the doctor was quite happy in the prospect of our going to work together on that wonderful performance and we settled to begin next morning at seven o clock we were to work two hours every morning and two or three hours every night except on when i was to rest on sundays of course i was to rest also and i considered these very easy terms our plans being thus arranged to our mutual satisfaction the doctor took me into the house to present me to mrs strong whom we found in the doctor s new study his books a freedom which he never permitted anybody else to take with those sacred they had postponed their breakfast on my account and we sat down to table together we had not been seated long when i saw an approaching arrival in mrs strong s face before i heard any sound of it a gentleman on horseback came to the gate and leading his horse into the little court with the bridle over his arm as if he were quite at home tied him to a ring in the empty coach house wall and came into the breakfast parlor whip in hand it was mr jack and mr jack was not at all improved by india i thought i was in a state of ferocious virtue however as to young men who were not cutting down the trees in the forest of difficulty and my impression must be received with due allowance mr jack said the doctor mr jack shook hands with me but not very warmly i believed and with an air of languid patronage at which i secretly took great but his languor altogether was quite a wonderful sight except when he addressed himself to his cousin have you this morning mr jack said the doctor i hardly ever take breakfast sir he replied with his head thrown back in an easy chair i find it me is there any news to day inquired the doctor nothing at all sir replied mr there s an account about the people being hungry and discontented down in the north but they are always being hungry and discontented somewhere the doctor looked grave and said as though he wished to change the subject then there s no news at all and no news they say is good news there s a long statement in the papers sir about a murder observed mr but somebody is always being murdered and i didn t read it of david a display of indifference to all the actions and passions of mankind was not supposed to be such a distinguished quality at that time i think as i have observed it to be considered since i have known it very fashionable indeed i have seen it displayed with such success that i have encountered some fine ladies and gentlemen who might as well have been born perhaps it impressed me the more then because it was new to me but it certainly did not tend to my opinion of or to strengthen my confidence in mr jack i came out to inquire whether would like to go to the opera to night said mr turning to her it s the last good night there will be this season and there s a singer there whom she really ought to hear she is perfectly exquisite besides which she is so ugly into languor the doctor ever pleased with what was likely to please his young wife turned to her and said you must go you must go i would rather not she said to the doctor i prefer to remain at home i would much rather remain at home without looking at her cousin she then addressed me and asked me about and whether she should see her and whether she was not likely to come that day and was so much disturbed that i wondered how even the doctor his toast could be blind to what was so obvious but he saw nothing he told her good that she was young and ought to be amused and entertained and must not allow herself to be made dull by a dull old fellow moreover he said he wanted to hear her sing all the new singer s songs to him and how could she do that well unless she went so the doctor persisted in making the engagement for her and mr jack was to come back to dinner this concluded he went to his patent place i suppose but at all events went away on his horse looking very idle i was curious to find out next morning whether she had been she had not but had sent into london to put her cousin and had gone out in the afternoon to see and had prevailed	8
upon the doctor to go with her and they had walked home by the fields the doctor told me the evening being delightful i wondered then whether she would have gone if had not been in town and whether had some good influence over her too she did not look very happy i thought but it was a good face or a very false one i often glanced at it for she sat in the window all the time we were at work and made our breakfast which we took by as we w r ere employed when i left at nine o clock she was kneeling on the ground at the doctor s feet putting on his shoes and for him there was a softened shade upon her face thrown from some green leaves overhanging the open window of the low room and i thought all the way to doctors of the night when i had seen it looking at him as he read i was pretty busy now up at five in the morning and home at nine or ten at night but i had infinite satisfaction in being so closely engaged and never walked slowly on any account and felt that the b b the personal history and experience more i tired myself the more i was doing to deserve i had not revealed myself in my altered character to yet because she was coming to see miss mills in a few days and i deferred all i had to tell her until then merely informing her in my letters all our communications were secretly forwarded through miss mills that i had much to tell her in the meantime i put myself on a short allowance of bear s wholly abandoned scented soap and water and sold off three at a prodigious sacrifice as being too luxurious for my stern career not satisfied with all these proceedings but burning with impatience to do something more i went to see now lodging up behind the of a house in castle street mr dick who had been with me to twice already and had resumed his companionship with the doctor i took with me i took mr dick with me because sensitive to my aunt s and sincerely believing that no slave or worked as i did he had begun to fret and worry himself out of spirits and appetite as having nothing useful to do in this condition he felt more incapable of finishing the memorial than ever and the harder he worked at it the oftener that unlucky head of king charles the first got into it seriously that his malady would increase unless we put some innocent deception upon him and caused him to believe that he was useful or unless we could put him in the way of being really useful which would be better i made up my mind to try if could help us before we went i wrote a full statement of all that had happened and wrote me back a capital answer expressive of his sympathy and friendship we found him hard at work with his and papers refreshed by the sight of the stand and the little round table in a corner of the small apartment he received us cordially and made friends with mr dick in a moment mr dick professed an absolute certainty of having seen him before and we both said very likely the first subject on which i had to consult was this i had heard that many men distinguished in various pursuits had begun life by the in parliament having mentioned newspapers to me as one of his hopes i had put the two things together and told in my letter that i wished to know how i could myself for this pursuit now informed me as the result of his inquiries that the mere mechanical acquisition necessary except in rare cases for thorough excellence in it that is to say a perfect and entire command of the mystery of short hand writing and reading was about equal in difficulty to the mastery of six languages and that it might perhaps be attained by dint of perseverance in the course of a few years reasonably supposed that this would settle the business but i only feeling that here indeed were a few tall trees to be down immediately resolved to work my way on to through this thicket axe in hand lam very much obliged to you my dear said i i begin to morrow looked astonished as he well might but he had no notion as yet of my condition of david i buy a book said i with a good scheme of this art in it i work at it at the where i haven t half enough to do i take down the speeches in our court for practice my dear fellow i master it dear me said opening his eyes i had no idea you were such a determined character i don t know how he should have had for it was new enough to me i passed that off and brought mr dick on the carpet you see said mr dick wistfully if i could exert myself mr if i could beat a drum or blow anything poor fellow i have little doubt he would have preferred such an employment in his heart to all others who would not have smiled for the world replied but you are a very good sir you told me so excellent said and indeed he was he wrote with extraordinary neatness don t you think said you could copy writings sir if i got them for you mr dick looked doubtfully at me eh i shook my head mr dick shook his and sighed tell him about the memorial said mr dick i explained to that there was a difficulty in keeping king charles the first out of mr dick	8
s mr dick in the meanwhile looking very and seriously at and his thumb but these writings you know that i speak of are already drawn up and finished said after a little consideration mr dick has nothing to do with them wouldn t that make a difference at all events wouldn t it be well to try this gave us new hope and i laying our heads together apart while mr dick anxiously watched us from his chair we a scheme in virtue of which we got him to work next day with triumphant success on a table by the window in street we set out the work procured for him which was to make i forget how many copies of a legal document about some right of way and on another table we spread the last unfinished original of the great memorial our instructions to mr dick were that he should copy exactly what he had before him without the least departure from the original and that when he felt it necessary to make the slightest allusion to king charles the he should fly to the memorial we him to be resolute in this and left my aunt to observe him my aunt reported to us afterwards that at first he was like a man playing the kettle drums and constantly divided his attentions between the two but that finding this and fatigue him and having his copy there plainly before his eyes he soon sat at it in an orderly business like manner and postponed the memorial to a more convenient time in a word although we took great care that he should have no more to do than was good for him and although he did not begin with the beginning of a week he earned by the following saturday night ten shillings and nine pence and never while i live shall i forget his going about to all the shops in the neighbourhood the personal history and experience to change this treasure into or his bringing them to my aunt arranged in the form of a heart upon a waiter with tears of joy and pride in his eyes he was like one under the influence of a charm from the moment of his being employed and if there were a happy man in the world that saturday night it was the grateful creature who thought my aunt the most wonderful woman in existence and me the most wonderful young man no starving now said mr dick shaking hands with me in a corner i provide for her sir and he nourished his ten fingers in the ah as if they were ten banks i hardly know which was the better pleased or i it really said suddenly taking a letter out of his pocket and giving it to me put mr quite out of my head the letter mr never missed any possible opportunity of writing a letter was addressed to me by the kindness of t of the inner temple it ran thus my dear you may possibly not be unprepared to receive the intimation that something has turned up i may have mentioned to you on a former occasion that i was in expectation of such an event i am about to establish myself in one of the provincial towns of our favored island where the society may be described as a happy of the agricultural and the in immediate with one of the learned professions mrs and our offspring will accompany me our ashes at a future period will probably be found in the attached to a venerable pile for which the spot to which i refer has acquired a reputation shall i say from china to in bidding adieu to the modem where we have undergone many i trust not mrs and myself cannot disguise from our minds that we part it may be for years and it may be for ever with an individual linked by strong associations to the altar of our domestic life if on the eve of such a departure you will accompany our mutual friend mr thomas to our present abode and there the wishes natural to the occasion you will confer a boon on one who is ever yours i was glad to find that mi had got rid of his dust and ashes and that something really had turned up at last learning from that the invitation referred to the evening then wearing away i expressed my readiness to do honor to it and we went off together to the lodging which mr occupied as mr and which was situated near the top of the gray s inn the resources of this lodging were so limited that we found the now some eight or nine years old in a turn up in the of david family sitting room where mr had prepared in a wash what he called a of the agreeable for which he was famous i had the pleasure on this occasion of the acquaintance of master whom i found a promising boy of about twelve or thirteen very subject to that restlessness of limb which is not an phenomenon in youths of his age i also became once more known to his sister miss in whom as mr told us her mother renewed her youth like the my dear said mr yourself and mr dies find us on the brink of and will excuse any little to that position glancing round as i made a suitable reply i observed that the family effects were already packed and that the amount of luggage was by no means overwhelming i congratulated mrs on the approaching change my dear mr said mrs of your friendly interest in all our affairs i am well assured my family may consider it if they please but i am a wife and mother and i never will desert mr appealed to by mrs s	8
my dear mr that at the of that period mr would be eligible as a judge or he would be eligible returned with a strong emphasis on that word thank you said mrs that is quite sufficient if such is the case and mr no privilege by entering on these duties my anxiety is set at rest i speak said mrs as a female necessarily but i have always been of opinion that mr possesses what i have heard my papa call when i lived at home the mind and i hope mr is now entering on a field that mind will itself and take a commanding station i quite believe that mr saw himself in his mind s eye on the he passed his hand complacently over his bald head and said with resignation my dear we will not anticipate the of fortune if i am reserved to wear a wig i am at least prepared in allusion to his for that distinction i do not said mr regret my hair and i may have been deprived of it for a specific purpose i cannot say it is my intention my dear to my son for the church i will not deny that i should be happy on his account to attain to eminence for the church said i still pondering on yes said mr he has a remarkable head voice and will commence as a our residence at and our local will no doubt enable him to take advantage of any that may arise in the cathedral corps on looking at master again i saw that he had a certain expression of face as if his voice were behind his eyebrows where it presently appeared to be on his singing us as an alternative between that and bed the wood tapping after many compliments on this performance we fell into some general conversation and as i was too full of my desperate intentions to keep my altered circumstances to myself i made them known to mr and mrs i cannot express how extremely delighted they both were by the idea of my aunt s being in difficulties and how comfortable and friendly it made them when we were nearly come to the last round of the punch i addressed myself to and reminded him that we must not separate without the personal history and experience wishing our friends health happiness and success in their new career i begged mr to fill us and proposed the toast in due form shaking hands with him across the table and kissing mrs to that occasion me in the first particular but did not consider himself a sufficiently old friend to venture on the second my dear said mr rising with one of his in each of his waistcoat pockets the companion of my youth if i may be allowed the expression and my esteemed friend if i may be permitted to call him so will allow me on the part of mrs myself and our offspring to thank them in the warmest and most terms for their good wishes it may be expected that on the eve of a which will us to a perfectly new existence mr spoke as if they were going five hundred thousand miles i should offer a few remarks to two such friends as i see before me but all that i have to say in this way i have said whatever station in society i may attain through the medium of the learned profession of which i am about to become an unworthy member i shall endeavour not to disgrace and mrs will be safe to adorn under the temporary pressure of pecuniary contracted with a view to their immediate but remaining through a combination of circumstances i have been under the necessity of assuming a garb from which my natural instincts i allude to spectacles and possessing myself of a to which i can establish no legitimate pretensions all i have to say on that score is that the cloud has passed from the dreary scene and the god of day is once more high upon the mountain tops on monday next on the arrival of the four o clock afternoon coach at my foot will be on my native heath my name mr resumed his seat on the close of these remarks and drank two glasses of punch in grave succession he then said with much solemnity one thing more i have to do before this separation is complete and that is to perform an act of justice my friend mr thomas has on two several occasions put his name if i may use a common expression to bills of exchange for my accommodation on the first occasion mr thomas was left let me say in short in the the fulfilment of the second has not yet arrived the amount of the first obligation here mr carefully referred to papers was i believe twenty three four nine and a half of the second according to my entry of that transaction eighteen six two these sums united make a total if my calculation is correct to forty one ten eleven and a half my friend will perhaps do me the favor to check that total i did so and found it correct to leave this metropolis said mr and my friend mr thomas without myself of the pecuniary part of this obligation would weigh upon my mind to an extent i have therefore prepared for my friend mr thomas and i now hold in my hand a document which the desired object i beg to hand to my friend mr thomas my i u for forty one v v of david ten eleven and a half and lam happy to recover my moral dignity and to know that i can once more walk erect before my fellow man with this introduction which greatly affected him mr placed his	8
had not yet gone out and there was no in the middle window he kept me waiting so long that i fervently hoped the club would fine him for being late at last he came out and then i saw my own hang up the and peep into the balcony to look for me and run in again when she saw i was there while remained behind to bark of david field at an immense butcher s dog in the street who could have taken him like a came to the drawing room door to meet me and came out tumbling over his own under the impression that i was a and we all three went in as happy and loving as could be i soon carried desolation into the bosom of our joys not that i meant to do it but that i was so full of the subject by asking without the smallest preparation if she could love a beggar my pretty little startled her only association with the word was a yellow face and a or a pair of or a wooden leg or a dog with a stand in his mouth or something of that kind and she stared at me with the most delightful wonder how can you ask me anything so foolish love a beggar my own dearest said i jam a beggar how can you be such a silly thing replied my hand as to sit there telling such stories i make bite you her childish way was the most delicious way in the world to me but it was necessary to be explicit and i solemnly repeated my own life i am your ruined david i declare i make bite you said shaking her curls if you are so ridiculous but i looked so serious that left off shaking her curls and laid her trembling little hand upon my shoulder and first looked scared and anxious then began to cry that was dreadful i fell upon my knees before the sofa caressing her and imploring her not to my heart but for some time poor little did nothing but exclaim oh dear oh dear and oh she was so frightened and where was mills and oh take her to mills and go away please until i was almost beside myself at last after an agony of and i got to look at me with a expression of face which i gradually soothed until it was only loving and her soft pretty cheek was lying against mine then i told her with my arms clasped round her how i loved her so dearly and so dearly how i felt it right to offer to release her from her engagement because now i was poor how i never could bear it or recover it if i lost her how i had no fears of poverty if she had none my arm being and my heart inspired by her how i was already working with a courage such as none but lovers knew how i had begun to be practical and to look into the future how a crust well earned was sweeter far than a feast inherited and much more to the same purpose which i delivered in a burst of passionate eloquence quite surprising to myself though i had been thinking about it day and night ever since my aunt had astonished me is your heart mine still dear said i for i knew by her clinging to me that it was oh yes cried oh yes it s all yours oh don t be dreadful dreadful to don t talk about being poor and working hard said closer to me oh don t don t my dearest love said i the crust well earned the personal history and experience oil yes but i don t want to hear any more about said and must have a mutton chop every day at twelve or he die i was charmed with her childish winning way i fondly explained to that should have his mutton chop with his accustomed regularity i drew a picture of our home made independent by my labor in the little house i had seen at and my aunt in her room up stairs lam not dreadful now said i tenderly oh no no cried but i hope your aunt will keep in her own room a good deal and i hope she s not a scolding old thing if it were possible for me to love more than ever i am sure i did but i felt she was a little it my new born to find that so difficult of communication to her i made another trial when she was quite herself again and was curling s ears as he lay upon her lap i became grave and said my own may i mention something oh please don t be practical said because it me so sweet heart i returned there is nothing to alarm you in all this i want you to think of it quite differently i want to make it nerve you and inspire you oh but that s so shocking cried my love no perseverance and strength of character will enable us to bear much worse things but i haven t got any strength at all said shaking her curls have i oh do kiss and be agreeable it was impossible to resist kissing when she held him up to me for that purpose putting her own bright rosy little mouth into kissing form as she directed the operation which she insisted should be performed on the centre of his nose i did as she bade me myself afterwards for my obedience and she charmed me out of my graver character for i don t know how long but my beloved said i at last it i was going to mention something the judge of the court might have	8
she pretended to hold that nose of his against the hot tea pot for punishment because he wouldn t that i felt like a sort of monster who had got into a fairy s bower when i thought of having frightened her and made her cry after tea we had the and sang those same dear old french songs about the impossibility of ever on any account leaving off dancing la ra la la ra la until i felt a much greater monster than before we had only one check to our pleasure and that happened a little while before i took my leave when miss mills to make some allusion to to morrow morning i let out that being obliged to exert myself now i got up at five o clock whether had any idea that i was a private i am unable to say but it made a great impression on her and she neither played nor sang any more it was still on her mind when i bade her adieu and she said to me in her pretty way as if i were a doll i used to think now don t get up at five o clock you naughty boy it s so my love said i i have work to do but don t do it returned why should you it was impossible to say to that sweet little surprised face otherwise than lightly and that we must work to live oh how ridiculous cried how shall we live without said i how any how said she seemed to think she had quite settled the question and gave me such a triumphant little kiss direct from her innocent heart that i would hardly have put her out of conceit with her answer for a fortune well i loved her and i went on loving her most entirely and completely but going on too working pretty hard and busily keeping red hot all the irons i now had in the i would sit sometimes of a night opposite my aunt thinking how i had frightened that time and how i could best make my way with a case through the forest of difficulty until i used to fancy that my head was turning quite grey of david chapter a dissolution of i did not allow my resolution with respect to the to cool it was one of the irons i began to heat immediately and one of the irons i kept hot and at with a perseverance i may honestly admire i bought an approved scheme of the noble art and mystery of which cost me ten and sixpence and plunged into a sea of perplexity that brought me in a few weeks to the of distraction the changes that were rung upon which in such a position meant such a thing and in such another position something else entirely different the wonderful that were played by circles the unaccountable consequences that resulted from marks like flies legs the tremendous effects of a curve in a wrong place not only troubled my waking hours but reappeared before me in my sleep when i had my way blindly through these difficulties and had mastered the which was an egyptian temple in itself there then appeared a procession of new horrors called arbitrary characters the most characters i have ever known who insisted for instance that a thing like the beginning of a meant expectation and that a pen and ink sky stood for when i had fixed these wretches in my mind i found that they had driven everything else out of it then beginning again i forgot them while i was picking them up i dropped the other fragments of the system in short it was almost heart breaking it might have been quite heart breaking but for who was the stay and anchor of my tempest driven bark every scratch in the scheme was a oak in the forest of difficulty and i went on cutting them down one after another with such vigour that in three or four months i was in a condition to make an experiment on one of our crack in the shall i ever forget how the crack speaker walked off from me before i began and left my pencil staggering about the paper as if it were in a fit this would not do it was quite clear i was flying too high and should never get on so i resorted to for advice who suggested that he should dictate speeches to me at a pace and with occasional adapted to my weakness very grateful for this friendly aid i accepted the proposal and night after night almost every night for a long time we had a sort of private parliament in street after i came home from the doctor s i should like to see such a parliament anywhere else my aunt and mr dick represented the government or the opposition as the case might be and with the assistance of s speaker or a volume of thundered astonishing against them standing by the table with his finger in the page to keep the place c c the personal history and experience and his right arm flourishing above his head as mr mr mr mr lord or mr would work himself into the most violent and deliver the most withering of the and corruption of my aunt and mr dick while i used to sit at a little distance with my note book on my knee after him with all my might and main the and of were not to be exceeded by any real he was for any description of policy in the compass of a week and nailed all sorts of colours to every of mast my aunt looking very like an of the would occasionally throw in an interruption or two as hear or no or oh when the text seemed to require	8
it which was always a signal to mi dick a perfect country gentleman to follow with the same cry but mr dick got with such things in the course of his career and was made responsible for such awful consequences that he became uncomfortable in his mind sometimes i believe he actually began to be afraid he really had been doing something tending to the of the british constitution and the ruin of the country often and often we pursued these until the clock pointed to midnight and the candles were burning down the result of so much good practice was that by and by i began to keep pace with pretty well and should have been quite triumphant if i had had the least idea what my notes were about but as to reading them after i had got them i might as well have copied the chinese on an immense collection of tea or the golden characters on all the great red and green bottles in the shops there was nothing for it but to turn back and begin all over again it was very hard but i turned back though with a heavy heart and began laboriously and to over the same tedious ground at a s pace stopping to examine every speck in the way on all sides and making the most desperate efforts to know these characters by sight wherever i met them i was always punctual at the office at the doctor s too and i really did work as the common expression is like a cart horse one day when i went to the as usual i found mi in the doorway looking extremely grave and talking to himself as he was in the habit of complaining of pains in his head he had naturally a short throat and i do seriously believe he himself i was at first alarmed by the idea that he was not quite right in that direction but he soon relieved my uneasiness instead of returning my good morning with his usual he looked at me in a distant manner and coldly requested me to accompany him to a certain coffee house which in those days had a door opening into the just within the little in st paul s churchyard i complied in a very uncomfortable state and with a warm shooting all over me as if my apprehensions were breaking out into when i allowed him to go on a little before on account of the of the way i observed that he carried his head with a lofty air that was particularly and my mind me that he had found out about my darling of david if i had not guessed this on the way to the coffee house i could hardly have failed to know what was the matter when i followed him into an up stairs room and found miss there supported by a background of on which were several and two of those extraordinary boxes all corners and for sticking knives and forks in which happily for mankind are now miss gave me her chilly finger nails and sat severely rigid mr shut the door me to a chair and stood on the hearth rug in front of the fireplace have the goodness to show mr said mr what you have in your miss i believe it was the old identical steel clasped of my childhood that shut up like a bite her lips in sympathy with the snap miss opened it opening her mouth a little at the same time and produced my last letter to with expressions of devoted affection i believe that is your writing mr said mr i was very hot and the voice i heard was very unlike mine when i said it is sir if i am not mistaken said mr as miss brought a parcel of letters out of her tied round with the dearest bit of blue ribbon those are also from your pen mr i took them from her with a most desolate sensation and glancing at such phrases at the top as my ever dearest and own my best beloved angel my blessed one for ever and the like blushed deeply and inclined my head no thank you said mr coldly as i mechanically offered them back to him i will not deprive you of them miss be so good as to proceed that gentle creature after a moment s thoughtful survey of the carpet delivered herself with much dry as follows i must confess to having entertained my suspicions of miss in reference to david for some time i observed miss and david when they first met and the impression made upon me then was not agreeable the of the human heart is such you will oblige me ma am interrupted mr by yourself to facts miss cast down her eyes shook her head as if protesting against this interruption and with frowning dignity resumed since i am to confine myself to facts i will state them as as i can perhaps that will be considered an acceptable course of proceeding i have already said sir that i have had my suspicions of miss in reference to david for some time i have frequently endeavoured to find decisive of those suspicions but without effect i have therefore to mention them to miss s father looking severely at him knowing how little disposition there usually is in such cases to acknowledge the conscientious discharge of duty mr seemed quite by the gentlemanly of miss c c the personal history and experience s manner and her severity with a little wave of his hand on my return to after the period of absence occasioned by my brother s marriage pursued miss in a voice and on the return of miss from her visit to her friend miss mills i imagined that the manner of miss gave me greater occasion	8
for suspicion than before therefore i watched miss closely dear tender little so unconscious of this s eye still resumed miss i found no proof until last night it appeared to me that miss received too many letters from her friend miss mills but miss mills being her friend with her father s full another telling blow at mr it was not for me to interfere if i may not be permitted to allude to the natural of the human heart at least i may i must be permitted so far to refer to confidence mr murmured his assent last evening after tea pursued miss i observed the little dog starting rolling and growling about the drawing room worrying something i said to miss what is that the dog has in his mouth it s paper miss immediately put her hand to her frock gave a sudden cry and ran to the dog i interposed and said my love you must permit me oh miserable this wretchedness then was your work miss endeavoured said miss to bribe me with kisses work boxes and small articles of that of course i pass over the little dog retreated under the sofa on my approaching him and was with great difficulty by the fire irons even when he still kept the letter in his mouth and on my endeavouring to take it from him at the imminent risk of being bitten he kept it between his teeth so as to suffer himself to be held suspended in the air by means of the document at length i obtained possession of it after it i miss with having many such letters in her possession and ultimately obtained from her the packet which is now in david s hand here she ceased and snapping her again and shutting her mouth looked as if she might be broken but could never be bent you have heard miss said mr turning to me i beg to ask mr if you have anything to say in reply the picture i had before me of the beautiful little treasure of my heart sobbing and crying all night of her being alone frightened and wretched then of her having so begged and prayed that woman to forgive her of her having vainly offered her those kisses work boxes and of her being in such grievous distress and all for me very much the little dignity i had been able to muster i am afraid i was in a tremulous state for a minute or so though i did my best to disguise it there is nothing i can say sir i returned except that all the blame is mine miss if you please said her father op david was induced and persuaded by me i went on that colder to consent to this concealment and i bitterly regret it you are very much to blame sir said mr walking to and fro upon the hearth rug and what he said with his whole body instead of his head on account of the of his and you have done a stealthy and action mr when i take a gentleman to my house no matter whether he is nineteen twenty nine or ninety i take him there in a spirit of confidence if he my confidence he a action mr i feel it sir i assure you i returned but i never thought so before sincerely honestly indeed mr i never thought so before i love miss to that extent nonsense said mr pray don t tell me to my face that you love my daughter mr could i defend my conduct if i did not sir i returned with all humility can you defend your conduct if you do sir said mr stopping short upon the hearth rug have you considered your years and my daughter s years mr have you considered what it is to the confidence that should between my daughter and myself have you considered my daughter s station in life the projects i may contemplate for her advancement the intentions i may have with reference to her have you considered anything mi very little sir i am afraid i answered speaking to him as respectfully and sorrowfully as i felt but pray believe me i have considered my own worldly position when i explained it to you we were already engaged i beg said mr more like punch than i had ever seen him as he struck one hand upon the other i could not help noticing that even in my despair that you will not talk to me of engagements mr the otherwise miss stone laughed contemptuously in one short syllable when i explained my altered position to you sir i began again a new form of expression for what was so to him this concealment into which i am so unhappy as to have led miss had begun since i have been in that altered position i have strained every nerve i have exerted every energy to improve it i am sure i shall improve it in time will you grant me time any length of time we are both so young sir you are right interrupted mr nodding his head a great many times and frowning very much you are both very young it s all nonsense let there be an end of the nonsense take away those letters and throw them in the fire give me miss s letters to throw in the fire and although our future intercourse must you are aware be to the here we will agree to make no further mention of the past come mr you don t want sense and this is the sensible course the personal history and experience no i couldn t think of agreeing to it i was very sorry but there was a higher consideration than sense love	8
was above all earthly considerations and i loved to and loved me i didn t exactly say so i softened it down as much as i could but i implied it and i was resolute upon it i don t think i made myself very ridiculous but i know i was resolute very well mr said mr i must try my influence with my daughter miss by an expressive sound a long drawn which was neither a sigh nor a moan but was like both gave it as her opinion that he should have done this at first i must try said mr confirmed by this support my influence with my daughter do you decline to take those letters mr for i had laid them on the table yes i told him i hoped he would not think it wrong but i couldn t possibly take them from miss nor from me said mr no i replied with the respect nor from him w very well said mr a silence succeeding i was whether to go or stay at length i was moving quietly towards the door with the intention of saying that perhaps i should consult his feelings best by withdrawing when he said with his hands in his coat pockets into which it was as much as he could do to get them and with what i should call upon the whole a decidedly pious air you are probably aware mr that i am not altogether destitute of worldly possessions and that my daughter is my nearest and dearest relative i hurriedly made him a reply to the effect that i hoped the error into which i had been betrayed by the desperate nature of my love did not induce him to think me too i don t allude to the matter in that light said mr it would be better for yourself and all of us if you were mr i mean if you were more discreet and less influenced by all this youthful nonsense no i merely say with quite another view you are probably aware i have some property to to my child i certainly supposed so and you can hardly think said mr having experience of what we see in the here every day of the various unaccountable and proceedings of men in respect of their arrangements of all subjects the one on which perhaps the strangest revelations of human are to be met with but that mine are made i inclined my head in acquiescence i should not allow said mr with an evident increase of pious sentiment and slowly shaking his head as he poised himself upon his toes and heels alternately my suitable provision for my child to be influenced by a piece of youthful folly like the present it is mere folly mere nonsense in a little while it will weigh lighter than any feather but i might i might if this silly business were not completely of david altogether be induced in some anxious moment to guard her from and surround her with against the consequences of any foolish step in the way of marriage now mr i hope that you will not render it necessary for me to open even for a quarter of an hour that closed page in the book of life and even for a quarter of an hour grave affairs long since composed there was a serenity a tranquillity a calm sunset air about him which quite affected me he was so peaceful and resigned clearly had his affairs in such perfect train and so wound up that he was a man to feel touched in the contemplation of i really think i saw tears rise to his eyes from the depth of his own feeling of all this but what could i do i could not deny and my own heart when he told me i had better take a week to consider of what he had said how could i say i wouldn t take a week yet how could i fail to know that no amount of weeks could influence such love as mine in the meantime confer with miss or with any person with any knowledge of life said mr his with both hands take a week mr i submitted and with a countenance as expressive as i was able to make it of dejected and despairing constancy came out of the room miss s heavy eyebrows followed me to the door i say her eyebrows rather than her eyes because they were much more important in her face and she looked so exactly as she used to look at about that hour of the morning in our parlour at that i could have fancied i had been breaking down in my lessons again and that the dead weight on my mind was that horrible old book with oval shaped to my youthful fancy like the glasses out of spectacles when i got to the office and shutting out old and the rest of them with my hands sat at my desk in my own particular nook thinking of this earthquake that had taken place so unexpectedly and in the bitterness of my spirit cursing i fell into such a state of torment about that i wonder i did not take up my hat and rush to the idea of their her and making her cry and of my not being there to comfort her was so that it impelled me to write a wild letter to mr him not to visit upon her the consequences of my awful destiny i implored him to spare her gentle nature not to crush a fragile flower and addressed him generally to the best of my remembrance as if instead of being her father he had been an or the of this letter i sealed and laid upon his desk before	8
he returned and when he came in i saw him through the half opened door of his room take it up and read it he said nothing about it all the morning but before he went away in the afternoon he called me in and told me that i need not make myself at all uneasy about his daughter s happiness he had assured her he said that it was all nonsense and he had nothing more to say to her he believed he was an indulgent father as indeed he was and i might spare myself any solicitude on her account you may make it necessary if you are foolish or obstinate mr he observed for me to send my daughter abroad again for a term but i have a better opinion of you i hope you will be wiser than the personal history and experience that in a few days as to miss for i had alluded to her in the letter i respect that lady s vigilance and feel obliged to her but she has strict charge to avoid the subject all i desire mr is that it should be forgotten au you have got to do mr is to forget it all in the note i wrote to miss mills i bitterly quoted this sentiment all i had to do i said with gloomy sarcasm was to forget that was all and what was that i entreated miss mills to see me that evening if it could not be done with mr mills s sanction and i a interview in the back kitchen where the was i informed her that my reason was tottering on its throne and only she miss mills could prevent its being i signed myself hers and i couldn t help feeling when i read this composition over before sending it by a porter that it was something in the style of mr however i sent it at night i repaired to miss mills s street and walked up and down until i was stealthily fetched in by miss mills s maid and taken the area way to the back kitchen i have since seen reason to believe that there was nothing on earth to prevent my going in at the front door and being shown up into the drawing room except miss mills s love of the romantic and mysterious in the back kitchen i as became me i went there i suppose to make a fool of myself and i am quite sure i did it miss mills had received a hasty note from telling her that all was discovered and saying oh pray come to me do do but miss mills the of her presence to the higher powers had not yet gone and we were all in the desert of miss mills had a wonderful flow of words and liked to pour them out i could not help feeling though she mingled her tears with mine that she had a dreadful luxury in our she them as i may say and made the most of them a deep gulf she observed had opened between and me and love could only span it with its rainbow love must suffer in this stern world it ever had been so it ever would be so no matter miss mills remarked hearts confined by would burst at last and then love was this was small consolation but miss mills wouldn t encourage hopes she made me much more wretched than i was before and i felt and told her with the deepest gratitude that she was indeed a friend we resolved that she should go to the first thing in the morning and find some means of assuring her either by looks or words of my devotion and misery we parted overwhelmed with grief and i think miss mills enjoyed herself completely i confided all to my aunt when i got home and in spite of all she could say to me went to bed despairing i got up despairing and went out despairing it was saturday morning and i went straight to the i was surprised when i came within sight of our office door to see the ticket standing outside talking together and some half dozen gazing at the windows which were shut up i quickened my pace and passing among them wondering at their looks went hurriedly in of david the clerks were there but nobody was doing anything old for the first time in his life i should think was sitting on somebody else s stool and had not hung up his hat this is a dreadful calamity mr said he as i entered what is i exclaimed what s the matter don t you know cried and all the rest of them coming round me no said i looking from face to face mr said what about him dead i thought it was the office and not i as one of the clerks caught hold of me they sat me down in a chair my and brought me some water i have no idea whether this took any time dead said i he dined in town yesterday and drove down in the by himself said having sent his own groom home by the coach as he sometimes did you know well the went home without him the horses stopped at the stable gate the man went out with a lantern nobody in the carriage had they run away they were not hot said putting on his glasses no i understand than they would have been going down at the usual pace the reins were broken but they had been dragging on the ground the house was roused up directly and three of them went out along the road they found him a mile off more than a mile off mr interposed a junior was it i believe you are right said more than a mile	8
off not far from the church lying partly on the road side and partly on the path upon his face whether he fell out in a fit or got out feeling ill before the fit came on or even whether he was quite dead then though there is no doubt he was quite insensible no one appears to know if he breathed certainly he never spoke medical assistance was got as soon as possible but it was quite useless i cannot describe the state of mind into which i was thrown by this intelligence the shock of such an event happening so suddenly and happening to one with whom i had been in any respect at the appalling in the room he had occupied so lately where his chair and table seemed to wait for him and his handwriting of yesterday was like a ghost the impossibility of separating him from the place and feeling when the door opened as if he might come in the lazy hush and rest there was in the office and the relish with which our people talked about it and other people came in and out all day and themselves with the subject this is easily intelligible to any one what i cannot describe is how in the recesses of my own heart i had a lurking jealousy even of death how i felt as if its might would push me from my ground in s thoughts how i was in a way i have no words for envious of her grief how it made me restless to think of her weeping to others or being consoled by others how i had the personal history and experience a grasping wish to shut out everybody from her but myself and to be all in all to her at that time of all times in the trouble of this state of mind not exclusively my own i hope but known to others i went down to that night and finding from one of the servants when i made my inquiries at the door that miss mills was there got my aunt to direct a letter to her which i wrote i the death of mr most sincerely and shed tears in doing so i entreated her to tell if were in a state to hear it that he had spoken to me with the utmost kindness and consideration and had coupled nothing but tenderness not a single or word with her name i know i did this to have my name brought before her but i tried to believe it was an act of justice to his memory perhaps i did believe it my aunt received a few lines next day in reply addressed outside to her within to me was overcome by grief and when her friend had asked her should she send her love to me had only cried as she was always crying oh dear papa oh poor papa but she had not said no and that i made the most of mr who had been at since the occurrence came to the office a few days afterwards he and were together for some few moments and then looked out at the door and beckoned me in oh said mr mr and myself mr are about to examine the desk the drawers and other such of the deceased with the view of up his private papers and searching for a will there is no trace of any elsewhere it may be as well for you to assist us if you please i had been in agony to obtain some knowledge of the circumstances in which my would be placed as in whose and so forth and this was something towards it we began the search at once mr the drawers and and we all taking out the papers the office papers we placed on one side and the private papers which were not numerous on the other we were very grave and when we came to a stray seal or pencil case or ring or any little article of that kind which we associated personally with him we spoke very low we had sealed up several and were still going on and quietly when mr said to us applying exactly the same words to his late partner as his late partner had applied to him mr was very difficult to move from the beaten track you know what he was i am disposed to think he had made no will oh i know he had said i they both stopped and looked at me on the very day when i last saw him said i he told me that he had and that his affairs were long since settled mr and old shook their heads with one accord that looks said yery said mr surely you don t doubt i began my good mr said laying his hand upon my arm op david and shutting up both his eyes as he shook his head if you had been in the as long as i have you would know that there is no subject on which men are so inconsistent and so little to be trusted why bless my soul he made that very remark i replied persistently i should call that almost final observed my opinion is no will it appeared a wonderful thing to me but it turned out that there was no will he had never so much as thought of making one so far as his papers afforded any evidence for there was no kind of hint sketch or of any intention whatever what was scarcely less astonishing to me was that his affairs were in a most disordered state it was extremely difficult i heard to make out what he owed or what he had paid or of what he died possessed it was considered	8
had been educated by marrying a pilot but she decided against that venture not so much for the sake of principle i believe as because she happened not to like him although it required an effort to leave miss mills i fell rather willingly into my aunt s pretence as a means of me to pass a few tranquil hours with i consulted the good doctor relative to an absence of three days and the doctor wishing me to take that he wished me to take more but my energy could not bear that i made up my mind to go as to the i had no great occasion to be particular about my duties in that quarter to say the truth we were getting in no very good among the tip top and were rapidly sliding down to but a doubtful position the business had been indifferent under mr before mr s time and although it had been quickened by the of new blood and by the display which mr made still it was not established on a sufficiently strong basis to bear without such a blow as the sudden loss of its active manager it fell off very much mr notwithstanding his reputation in the firm was an easy going incapable sort of man whose reputation out of doors was not calculated to back it up i was turned over to him now and when i saw him take hi snuff and let the business go i regretted my aunt s thousand pounds more than ever but this was not the worst of it there were a number of on and about the who without being themselves in common form business and got it done by real who lent their names in consideration of a share in the spoil and there were a good many of these too as our house now wanted business on any terms we joined this noble band and threw out to the on and to bring their business to us marriage and small were what we all looked for and what paid us best and the competition for these ran very high indeed and were planted in all the avenues of entrance to the with instructions to do their utmost to cut off all persons in mourning and all gentlemen with anything in their appearance and them to the personal history and experience the offices in which their respective were interested which instructions were so well observed that i myself before i was known by sight was twice into the premises of our principal opponent the conflicting interests of these gentlemen being of a nature to their feelings personal took place and the was even by our principal who had formerly been in the wine trade and afterwards in the sworn line walking about for some days with a black eye any one of these used to think nothing of politely assisting an old lady in black out of a vehicle killing any whom she inquired for representing his employer as the lawful successor and representative of that and bearing the old lady off sometimes greatly affected to his employer s office many were brought to me in this way as to marriage the competition rose to such a pitch that a shy gentleman in want of one had nothing to do but submit himself to the first or be fought for and become the prey of the strongest one of our clerks who was an used in the height of this contest to sit with his hat on that he might be ready to rush out and swear before a any victim who was brought in the system of continues i believe to this day the last time i was in the a civil able person in a white apron out upon me from a doorway and whispering the word in my ear was with great difficulty prevented from taking me up in his arms and lifting me into a s from this let me proceed to i found everything in a satisfactory state at the cottage and was enabled to gratify my aunt exceedingly by that the tenant inherited her and incessant war against having settled the little business i had to there and slept there one night i walked on to early in the morning it was now winter again and the fresh cold windy day and the sweeping brightened up my hopes a little coming into i through the old streets with a sober pleasure that my spirits and my heart there were the old signs the old names over the shops the old people serving i n them it appeared so long since i had been a there that i wondered the place was so little changed until i reflected how little i was changed myself strange to say that quiet influence which was inseparable in my mind from seemed to even the city where she dwelt the venerable cathedral towers and the old and whose airy voices made them more retired than perfect silence would have done the battered once stuck full with statues long thrown down and away like the who had gazed upon them the still where the growth of centuries crept over ends and ruined walls the ancient houses the pastoral landscape of field orchard and garden everywhere on everything i felt the same air the same calm thoughtful softening spirit arrived at mr s house i found in the little lower room on the ground floor where had been of old accustomed to sit mr his pen with great he was dressed in a legal looking suit of black and loomed and large in that small office of david mr was extremely glad to see me but a little confused too he would have conducted me immediately into the presence of but i declined i know the house of old you recollect said i and will find my	8
way up stairs how do you like the law mr my dear he replied to a man possessed of the higher imaginative powers the objection to legal studies is the amount of detail which they involve even in our professional correspondence said mr glancing at some letters he was writing the mind is not at liberty to to any exalted form of expression still it is a great pursuit a great pursuit he then told me that he had become the tenant of s old house and that mrs would be delighted to receive me once more under her own roof it is humble said mr to quote a favourite expression of my friend but it may prove the stepping stone to more ambitious accommodation i asked him whether he had reason so far to be satisfied with his friend s treatment of him he got up to ascertain if the door were close shut before he replied in a lower voice my dear a man who labours under the pressure of pecuniary is with the of people at a disadvantage that disadvantage is not diminished when that pressure the drawing of before those are strictly due and all i can say is that my friend has responded to appeals to which i need not more particularly refer in a manner calculated to equally to the honour of his head and of his heart i should not have supposed him to be very free with his money either i observed pardon me said mr with an air of i speak of my friend as i have experience i am glad your experience is so favourable i returned you are very obliging my dear said mr and a tune do you see much of mr i asked to change the subject not much said mr mr is i dare say a man of very excellent intentions but he is in short he is i am afraid his partner seeks to make him so said i my dear returned mr after some uneasy on his stool allow me to offer a remark i am here in a capacity of confidence i am here in a position of trust the discussion of some topics even with mrs herself so long the partner of my various and a woman of a remarkable of intellect is i am led to consider with the functions now on me i would therefore take the liberty of suggesting that in our friendly intercourse which i trust will never be disturbed we draw a line on one side of this line said mr representing it on the desk with the office ruler is the whole range of the human the personal history and experience intellect with a trifling exception on the other is that exception that is to say the affairs of messrs and with all belonging and i trust i give no offence to the companion of my youth in this proposition to his cooler judgment though i saw an uneasy change in mr which sat tightly on him as if his new duties were a i felt i had no right to be offended my telling him so appeared to relieve him j and he shook hands with me i am charmed said mr let me assure you with miss she is a very superior young lady of very remarkable attractions graces and virtues upon my honour said mr kissing his hand and bowing with his air i do homage to miss hem i am glad of that at least said i if you had not assured us my dear on the occasion of that agreeable afternoon we had the happiness of passing with you that d was your favourite letter said mr i should unquestionably have supposed that a had been so we have all some experience of a feeling that comes over us occasionally of what we are saying and doing having been said and done before in a remote time of our having been surrounded dim ages ago by the same faces objects and circumstances of our knowing perfectly what will be said next as if we suddenly remembered it i never had this mysterious impression more strongly in my life than before he uttered those words i took my leave of mr for the time charging him with my best to all at home as i left him his stool and his pen and rolling his head in his stock to get it into easier writing order i clearly perceived that there was something interposed between him and me since he had come into his new functions which prevented our getting at each other as we used to do and quite altered the character of our intercourse there was no one in the quaint old drawing room though it presented tokens of mrs s i looked into the room still belonging to and saw her sitting by the fire at a pretty old fashioned desk she had writing my darkening the light made her look up what a pleasure to be the cause of that bright change in her attentive face and the object of that sweet regard and welcome ah said t when we were sitting together side by side i have missed you so much lately indeed she replied again and so soon i shook my head i don t know how it is i seem to want some faculty of mind that i ought to have you were so much in the habit of thinking for me in the happy old days here and i came so naturally to you for counsel and support that i really think i have missed acquiring it and what is it said cheerfully i don t know what to call it i replied i think i am earnest and of david i am sure of it said and patient i with a little hesitation yes returned laughing pretty	8
well and yet said i i get so miserable and worried and am so unsteady and in my power of assuring myself that i know i must want shall i call it reliance of some kind call it so if you will said well i returned see here you come to london i rely on you and i have an object and a course at once i am driven out of it i come here and in a moment i feel an altered person the circumstances that distressed me are not changed since i came into this room but an influence comes over me in that short interval that me oh how much for the better what is it what is your secret her head was bent down looking at the fire it s the old story said i don t laugh when i say it was always the same in little things as it is in greater ones my old troubles were nonsense and now they are serious but whenever i have gone away from my adopted sister looked up with such a heavenly face and gave me her hand which i kissed whenever i have not had you to advise and approve in the beginning i have seemed to go wild and to get into all sorts of difficulty when i have come to you at last as i have always done i have come to peace and happiness i come home now a tired traveller and find such a blessed sense of rest i felt so deeply what i said it affected me so sincerely that my voice failed and i covered my face with my hand and broke into tears i write the truth whatever and there were within me as there are within so many of us whatever might have been so different and so much better whatever i had done in which i had wandered away from the voice of my own heart i knew nothing of i only knew that i was fervently in earnest when i felt the rest and peace of having near me in her placid manner with her beaming eyes with her tender voice and with that sweet composure which had long ago made the house that held her quite a sacred place to me she soon won me from this weakness and led me on to tell all that had happened since our last meeting and there is not another word to tell said i when i had made an end of my confidence now my reliance is on you but it must not be on me returned with a pleasant smile it must be on some one else on said i assuredly why i have not mentioned said i a little embarrassed that is rather difficult to i would not for the world say to rely upon because she is the soul of purity and truth but rather difficult to i hardly know how to express it really she is a timid little thing and easily disturbed and frightened some time ago before her father s death when i thought it right to mention to her but i tell you if you will bear with me how it was d d the personal history and experience accordingly i told about my declaration of poverty about the book the housekeeping accounts and all the rest of it oh she remonstrated with a smile just your old headlong way you might have been in earnest in striving to get on in the world without being so very sudden with a timid loving inexperienced girl poor i never heard such sweet kindness expressed in a voice as she expressed in making this reply it was as if i had seen her and embracing and me by her considerate protection for my hot haste in fluttering that little heart it was as if i had seen in all her fascinating caressing and thanking her and appealing against me and loving me with all her childish innocence i felt so grateful to and admired her so i saw those two together in a bright perspective such well associated friends each the other so much what ought i to do then i inquired after looking at the fire a little while what would it be right to do i think said that the honourable course to take would be to write to those two ladies don t you think that any secret course is an unworthy one yes think so said i i am poorly qualified to judge of such matters replied with a modest hesitation but i certainly feel in short i feel that your being secret and is not being like yourself like myself in the too high opinion you have of me i am afraid said i like yourself in the of your nature she returned and therefore i would write to those two ladies i would relate as plainly and as openly as possible all that has taken place and i would ask their permission to visit sometimes at their house considering that you are young and striving for a place in life i think it would be well to say that you would readily abide by any conditions they might impose upon you i would entreat them not to dismiss your request without a reference to and to discuss it with her when they should think the time suitable i would not be too vehement said gently or propose too much i would trust to my fidelity and perseverance and to but if they were to frighten again by speaking to her said i and if were to cry and say nothing about me is that likely inquired with the same sweet consideration in her face god bless her she is as easily scared as a bird said i it might be or if the two miss	8
elderly ladies of that sort are odd characters sometimes should not be likely persons to address in that way i don t think returned raising her soft eyes to mine i would consider that perhaps it would be better only to consider whether it is right to do this and if it is to do it i had no longer any doubt on the subject with a lightened heart though with a profound sense of the importance of my task i of david devoted the whole afternoon to the composition of the of this letter for which great purpose her desk to me but first i went down stairs to see mr and i found in possession of a new plaster smelling office built out in the garden looking mean in the midst of a quantity of books and papers he received me in his usual way and pretended not to have heard of my arrival from mr a pretence i took the liberty of he accompanied me into mr s room which was the shadow of its former self having been of a variety of for the accommodation of the new partner and stood before the fire warming his back and his chin with his bony hand while mr and i exchanged greetings you stay with us while you remain in said mr not without a glance at for his approval is there room for me said i i am sure master i should say but the other comes so natural said i would turn out of your old room with pleasure if it would be agreeable no no said mr why should you be there s another room there s another room oh but you know returned with a grin i should really be delighted to cut the matter short i said i would have the other room or none at all so it was settled that i should have the other room and taking my leave of the firm until dinner i went up stairs again i had hoped to have no other companion than but mrs had asked permission to bring herself and her knitting near the fire in that room on pretence of its having an aspect more favourable for her as the wind then was than the drawing room or dining parlour though i could almost have consigned her to the of the wind on the of the cathedral without remorse i made a virtue of necessity and gave her a friendly salutation i m thankful to you sir said mrs in acknowledgment of my inquiries concerning her health but i m only pretty well i haven t much to boast of if i could see my well settled in life i couldn t expect much more i think how do you think my looking sir i thought him looking as as ever and i replied that i saw no change in him oh don t you think he s changed said mrs there i must beg leave to differ from you don t you see a in him not more than usual i replied don t you though said mrs but you don t take notice of him with a mother s eye his mother s eye was an evil eye to the rest of the world i thought as it met mine affectionate to him and i believe she and her son were devoted to one another it passed me and went on to don t you see a wasting and a wearing in him miss inquired mrs d d the personal history and experience no said quietly pursuing the work on which she was engaged you are too about him he is very well mrs with a prodigious resumed her knitting she never left off or left us for a moment i had arrived early in the day and we had still three or four hours before dinner but she sat there her knitting needles as as an hour glass might have poured out its sands she sat on one side of the fire i sat at the desk in front of it a little beyond me on the other side sat slowly pondering over my letter i lifted up my eyes and meeting the thoughtful face of saw it clear and beam encouragement upon me with its own expression i was conscious presently of the evil eye passing me and going on to her and coming back to me again and dropping upon the knitting what the knitting was i don t know not being learned in that art but it looked like a net and as she worked away with those chinese of knitting needles she showed in the like an ill looking as yet by the radiant goodness opposite but getting ready for a cast of her net by and by at dinner she maintained her watch with the same eyes after dinner her son took his turn and when mr himself and i were left alone together at me and until i could hardly bear it in the drawing room there was the mother knitting and watching again all the time that sang and played the mother sat at the piano once she asked for a particular ballad which she said her who was yawning in a great chair on and at intervals she looked round at him and reported to that he was in with the music but she hardly ever spoke i question if she ever did without making some mention of him it was evident to me that this was the duty assigned to her this lasted until to have seen the mother and son like two great hanging over the whole house and darkening it with their ugly forms made me so uncomfortable that i would rather have remained down stairs knitting and all than gone to bed i hardly got any sleep next day the knitting	8
and watching began again and lasted all day i had not an opportunity of speaking to for ten minutes i could barely show her my letter i proposed to her to walk out with me but mrs repeatedly complaining that she was worse remained within to bear her company towards the twilight i went out by myself musing on what i ought to do and whether i was justified in from any longer what had told me in london for that began to trouble me again very much i had not walked out far enough to be quite clear of the town upon the road where there was a good path when i was hailed through the dusk by somebody behind me the figure and the scanty great coat were not to be mistaken i stopped and came up well said how fast you walk said he my legs are pretty long but you ve given em quite a job where are you going said i i am coming with you master if you allow me the of david copper pleasure of a walk with an old acquaintance saying this with a jerk of his body which might have been either or he fell into step beside me said i as as i could after a silence master said to tell you the truth at which you will not be offended i came out to walk alone because i have had so much company he looked at me sideways and said with his hardest grin you mean mother why yes i do said i ah but you know we re so very he returned and having such a knowledge of our own we must really take care that we re not pushed to the wall by them as isn t all are fair in love sir his great hands until they touched his chin he rubbed them softly and softly chuckled looking as like a i thought as anything human could look you see he said still himself in that unpleasant way and shaking his head at me you re quite a dangerous rival master you always was you know do you set a watch upon miss and make her home no home because of me said i oh master those are very words he replied put my meaning into any words you like said i you know what it is as well as i do oh no you must put it into words he said oh really i couldn t myself do you suppose said i myself to be very temperate and quiet with him on account of that i regard miss otherwise than as a very dear sister well master he replied you perceive i am not bound to answer that question you may not you know but then you see you may anything to equal the low cunning of his and of his eyes without the ghost of an i never saw come then said i for the sake of miss my he exclaimed with a sickly of himself would you be so good as call her master for the sake of heaven bless her thank you for that blessing master he interposed i will tell you what i should under any other circumstances as soon have thought of telling to jack to who sir said stretching out his neck and his ear with his hand to the i returned the most unlikely person i could think of though his own face had suggested the allusion quite as a natural i am engaged to another young lady i hope that contents you upon your soul said i was about indignantly to give my assertion the confirmation he required when he caught hold of my hand and gave it a squeeze the personal history and experience oh master lie said if you had only had the condescension to return my confidence when i poured out the fulness of my art the night i put you so much out of the way by sleeping before your sitting room fire i never should have doubted you as it is f m sure i take off mother directly and only too i know you excuse the precautions of affection won t you y hat a pity master that you didn t condescend to return my confidence i m sure i gave you every opportunity but you never have condescended to me as much as i could have wished i know you have never liked me as i have liked you all this time he was my hand with his damp fingers while i made every effort i decently could to get it away but i was quite unsuccessful he drew it under the sleeve of his great coat and i walked on almost upon arm in arm with him shall we turn said by and by me face about towards the town on which the early moon was now shining the distant windows before we leave the subject you ought to understand said i breaking a pretty long silence that i believe to be as far above you and as far removed from all your aspirations as that moon herself peaceful ain t she said very now confess master that you t liked me quite as i have liked you all along you ve thought me too now i shouldn t wonder i am not fond of professions of humility i returned or professions of anything else there now said looking and lead coloured in the moonlight didn t i know it but how little you think of the of a person in my station master father and me was both brought up at a foundation school for boys and mother she was likewise brought up at a public sort of charitable establishment they taught us all a deal of not much else that i know of from morning to night we was to be to this	8
person and to that and to puff off our caps here and to make bows there and always to know our place and ourselves before our and we had such a lot of father got the by being so did i father got made a by being he had the character among the of being such a well behaved man that they were determined to bring him in be says father to me and you get on it was what was always being into you and me at school it s what goes down best be says father and you do and really it ain t done bad it was the first time it had ever occurred to me that this detestable cant of false humility might have originated out of the family i had seen the harvest but had never thought of the seed when i was quite a young boy said i got to know what did and i took to it i ate pie with an appetite i stopped at the point of my learning and says i hold hard when you offered to teach me latin i knew better people like to of david be above you says father keep yourself down i am very to the present moment master but i ve got a little power and he said all this i knew as i saw his face in the moonlight that i might understand he was resolved to himself by using his power i had never doubted his meanness his craft and malice but i fully comprehended now for the first time what a base and spirit must have been by this early and this long his account of himself was so far attended with an agreeable result that it led to his withdrawing his hand in order that he might have another of himself under the chin once apart from him i was determined to keep apart and we walked back side by side saying very little more by the way whether his spirits were elevated by the communication i had made to him or by his having indulged in this i don t know but they were raised by some influence he talked more at dinner than was usual with him asked his mother off duty from the moment of our re entering the house whether he was not growing too old for a bachelor and once looked at so that i would have given all i had for leave to knock him down when we three were left alone after dinner he got into a more adventurous state he had taken little or no wine and i presume it was the mere insolence of triumph that was upon him flushed perhaps by the temptation my presence furnished to its exhibition i had observed yesterday that he tried to mr to drink and the look which had given me as she went out had limited myself to one glass and then proposed that we should follow her i would have done so again to day but was too quick for me we seldom see our present visitor sir he said addressing mr sitting such a contrast to him at the end of the table and i should propose to give him welcome in another glass or two of wine if you have no objections mr your and i was obliged to make a show of taking the hand he stretched across to me and then with very different emotions i took the hand of the broken gentleman his partner come fellow partner said if i may take the liberty now suppose you give us something or another appropriate to i pass over mr s proposing my aunt his proposing mr dick his proposing doctor s his proposing his drinking everything twice his consciousness of his own weakness the ineffectual effort that he made against it the struggle between his shame in s and his desire to him the manifest exultation with which twisted and turned and held him up before me it made me sick at heart to see and my hand from writing it come fellow partner said at last j give you another one and i ask for seeing i intend to make it the of her sex her father had his empty glass in his hand i saw him set it down look at the picture she was so like put his hand to his forehead and shrink back in his elbow chair the personal history and experience i m an individual to give you her proceeded but i admire her no physical pain that her father s grey head could have borne i think could have been more terrible to me than the mental endurance i saw compressed now within both his hands said either not regarding him or not knowing what the nature of his action was is i am safe to say the of her sex may i speak out among friends to be her father is a proud distinction but to be her spare me from ever again hearing such a cry as that with which her father rose up from the table what s the matter said turning of a deadly colour you are not gone mad after all mr i hope if i say i ve an ambition to make your my i have as good a right to it as another man i have a better right to it than any other man i had my arms round mr imploring him by everything that i could think of of all by his love for to calm himself a little he was mad for the moment tearing out his hair beating his head trying to force me from him and to force himself from me not answering a word not looking at or seeing any one blindly striving for he knew not what his face all staring and	8
distorted a frightful spectacle i him but in the most impassioned manner not to abandon himself to this but to hear me i him to think of to connect me with to recollect how and i had grown up together how i honored her and loved her how she was his pride and joy i tried to bring her idea before him in any form i even reproached him with not having firmness to spare her the knowledge of such a scene as this i may have effected something or his may have spent itself but by degrees he struggled less and began to look at me strangely at first then with recognition in his eyes at length he said i know my darling child and you i know but look at him he pointed to pale and in a corner evidently very much out in his calculations and taken by surprise look at my he replied before him i have step by step abandoned name and reputation peace and quiet house and home i have kept your name and reputation for you and your peace and quiet and your house and home too said with a sulky hurried defeated air of compromise don t be foolish mr if i have gone a little beyond what you were prepared for i can go back i suppose there s no harm done i looked for single motives in every one said mr and i was satisfied i had bound him to me by motives of interest but see what he is oh see what he is you had better stop him if you can cried with his long fore finger pointing towards me he say something presently mind you he ll be sorry to have said afterwards and you be to have heard i say anything cried mr with a desperate air why should i not be in all the world s power if i am in yours of david mind i tell you said continuing to warn me if you don t stop his mouth you re not his friend why shouldn t you be in all the world s power mr because you have got a daughter you and me know what we know don t we let sleeping dogs lie who wants to rouse em i don t can t you see i am as as i can be i tell you if i ve gone too far i m sorry what would you have sir oh trot wood exclaimed mr wringing his hands what i have come down to be since i first saw you in this house i was on my downward way then but the dreary dreary road i have traversed since weak indulgence has ruined me indulgence in remembrance and indulgence in forgetfulness my natural grief for my child s mother turned to disease my natural love for my child turned to disease i have everything i touched i have brought misery on what i dearly love i know you know i thought it possible that i could truly love one creature in the world and not love the rest i thought it possible that i could truly mourn for one creature gone out of the world and not have some part in the grief of all who mourned thus the lessons of my life have been i have on my own morbid coward heart and it has on me sordid in my grief sordid in my love sordid in my miserable escape from the darker side of both oh see the ruin i am and hate me me he dropped into a chair and weakly sobbed the excitement into which he had been roused was leaving him came out of his corner i don t know all i have done in my said mr putting out his hands as if to my condemnation he knows best meaning for he has always been at my elbow whispering me you see the that he is about my neck you find him in my house you find him in my business you heard him but a little time ago what need have i to say more you haven t need to say so much nor half so much nor anything at all observed half defiant and half you wouldn t have took it up so if it hadn t been for the wine you think better of it to morrow sir if i have said too much or more than i meant what of it i haven t stood by it the door opened and gliding in without a of colour in her face put her arm round his neck and steadily said papa you are not well come with me he laid his head upon her shoulder as if he were oppressed with heavy shame and went out with her her eyes met mine for but an instant yet i saw how much she knew of what had passed i didn t expect he d cut up so rough master said but it s nothing i be friends with him to morrow it s for his good i m anxious for his good i gave him no answer and went upstairs into the quiet room where had so often sat beside me at my books nobody came near me until late at night i took up a book and tried to read i heard the strike twelve and was still reading without knowing what i read when touched me the personal history and experience you will be going early in the morning let us bye now she had been weeping but her face then was so calm and beautiful heaven bless you she said giving me her hand dearest i returned i see you ask me not to speak of to night but is there nothing to be done there is god to trust in she	8
replied can do nothing j who come to you with my poor sorrows and make mine so much lighter she replied dear no dear i said it is for me who am so poor in all in which you are so rich goodness resolution all noble qualities to doubt or direct you but you know how much i love you and how much i owe you you will never sacrifice yourself to a mistaken sense of duty more agitated for a moment than i had ever seen her she took her hand from me and moved a step back say you have no such thought dear much more than sister think of the gift of such a heart as yours of such a love as yours oh long long afterwards i saw that face rise up before me with its momentary look not wondering not not oh long long afterwards i saw that look as it did now into the lovely smile with which she told me she had no fear for herself i need have none for her and parted from me by the name of brother and was gone it was dark in the morning when i got upon the coach at the inn door the day was just breaking when we were about to start and then as i sat thinking of her came struggling up the coach side through the mingled day and night s head said he in a whisper as he hung by the iron on the roof i thought you d be glad to hear before you went off that there are no squares broke between us i ve been into his room already and we ve made it all smooth why though i m i m useful to him you know and he understands his interest when he isn t in liquor what an agreeable man he is after all master i obliged myself to say that i was glad he had made his apology oh to be sure said when a person s you know what s an apology so easy i say i suppose with a jerk you have sometimes plucked a before it was ripe master i suppose i have i replied i did that last night said but it ll yet it only wants attending to i can wait in his he got down again as the coachman got up for anything i know he was eating something to keep the raw morning air out but he made motions with his mouth as if the were ripe already and he were his lips over it op david chapter xl the wanderer we had a very serious conversation in street that night about the domestic i have detailed in the last chapter my aunt was deeply interested in them and walked up and down the room with her arms folded for more than two hours afterwards whenever she was particularly she always performed one of these and the amount of her might always be estimated by the duration of her walk on this occasion she was so much disturbed in mind as to find it necessary to open the bed room door and make a course for herself the full extent of the bed rooms from wall to wall and while mr dick and i sat quietly by the fire she kept passing in and out along this measured track at an pace with the regularity of a clock when my aunt and i were left to ourselves by mr dick s going out to bed i sat down to write my letter to the two old ladies by that time she was tired of walking and sat by the fire with her dress tucked up as usual but instead of sitting in her usual manner holding her glass upon her knee she suffered it to stand neglected on the chimney piece and resting her left elbow on her right arm and her chin on her left hand looked thoughtfully at me as often as i raised my eyes from what i was about i met hers i am in the of my dear she would assure me with a nod but i am and sorry i had been too busy to observe until after she was gone to bed that she had left her night mixture as she always called it on the chimney piece she came to her door with even more than her usual affection of manner when i knocked to her with this discovery but only said i have not the heart to take it trot to night and shook her head and went in again she read my letter to the two old ladies in the morning and approved of it posted it and had nothing to do then but wait as patiently as i could for the reply i was still in this state of expectation and had been for nearly a week when i left the doctor s one snowy night to walk home it had been a bitter day and a cutting north east wind had blown for some time the wind had gone down with the light and so the snow had come on it was a heavy settled fall i recollect in great and it lay thick the noise of wheels and tread of people were as hushed as if the streets had been strewn that depth with feathers my shortest way home and i naturally took the shortest way on such a night was through saint martin s lane now the church which gives its name to the lane stood in a less free situation at that time there being no open space before it and the lane winding down to the the personal history and experience strand as i passed the steps of the i encountered at the corner a woman s face it looked in mine passed across the	8
and disappeared i knew it i seen it somewhere but i could not remember where i had some association with it that struck upon my heart directly but i was thinking of anything else when it came upon me and was confused on the steps of the church there was the stooping figure of a man who had put down some burden on the smooth snow to it my seeing the face and my seeing him were i don t think i had stopped in my surprise but in any case as i went on he rose turned and came down towards me i stood face to face with mr then i remembered the woman it was to whom had given the money that night in the kitchen side by side with whom he would not have seen his dear niece ham had told me for all the treasures wrecked in the sea we shook hands heartily at first neither of us could speak a word r he said me tight it do my art good to see you sir well met well met well met my dear old friend said i i had my o coming to make for you sir to night he said but knowing as your aunt was living along wi you for i ve been down yonder way i was it was too late i should have come early in the morning sir afore going away again said i yes sir he replied patiently shaking his head c i m away to morrow where were you going now i asked well he replied shaking the snow out of his long hair i was a going to turn in in those days there was a side entrance to the stable yard of the golden cross the inn so memorable to me in with his misfortune nearly opposite to where we stood i pointed out the put my arm through his and we went across two or three public rooms opened out of the stable yard and looking into one of them and finding it empty and a good fire burning i took him in there when i saw him in the light i observed not only that his hair was long and ragged but that his face was burnt dark by the sun he was the lines in his face and forehead were deeper and he had every appearance of having toiled and wandered through all varieties of weather but he looked very strong and like a man by of purpose whom nothing could tire out he shook the snow from his hat and clothes and brushed it away from his face while i was inwardly making these remarks as he down opposite to me at a table with his back to the door by which we had entered he put out his rough hand again and grasped mine warmly i ll tell you r he said all i ve been and what all we ve i ve been fur and we ve little but i tell you i rang the bell for something hot to drink he would have nothing younger than ale and while it was being brought and being warmed at i c of david the fire he sat thinking there was a fine massive gravity in his face i did not venture to disturb when she was a child he said lifting up his head soon after we were left alone she used to talk to me a deal about the sea and about them where the sea got to be dark blue and to lay a shining and a shining in the sun i odd times as her father being made her think on it so much i t know you see but maybe she believed or hoped he had drifted out to them parts where the flowers is always a blowing and the country bright it is likely to have been a childish fancy i replied when she was lost said mr i know d in my mind as he would take her to them countries i know d in my mind as he d have told her wonders of em and how she was to be a lady and how he got her listen to him first along o like when we see his mother i know d quite well as i was right i went across channel to france and landed as if i d fell down from the sky i saw the door move and the snow drift in i saw it move a little more and a hand softly to keep it open i found out a english gentleman as was in authority said mr and told him i was a going to seek my niece he got me them papers as i wanted fur to carry me through i t rightly know how they re called and he would have give me money but that i was thankful to have no need on i thank him kind for all he done i m sure i ve wrote afore you he says to me and i shall speak to many as will come that way and many will know you fur distant from here when you re a travelling alone i told him best as i was able what my was and went away through alone and on foot said i mostly a foot he rejoined sometimes in carts along with people going to market sometimes in empty many mile a day a foot and often with some poor soldier or another travelling to see his friends i couldn t talk to him said mr nor he to me but we was company for one another too along the dusty roads i should have known that by his friendly tone when i come to any town he pursued i found the inn and	8
waited about the yard till some one turned up some one mostly did as know d english then i told how that i was on my way to seek my niece and they told me what manner of was in the house and i waited to see any as seemed like her going in or out when it warn t em ly i went on by little and little when i come to a new village or that among the poor people i found they know d about me they would set me down at their cottage doors and give me what not fur to eat and drink and show me where to sleep and many a woman r as has had a daughter of about em ly s age i ve found a waiting for me at our s cross outside the village fur to do me sim lar some has had daughters as was dead and god only knows how good them mothers was to me it was at the door i saw her haggard listening face distinctly my dread was lest he should turn his head and see her too they would often put their children lar their little girls said mr upon my knee and many a time you might have seen the personal history and experience me sitting at their doors when night was coming on a most as if they d been my darling s children oh my darling overpowered by sudden grief he sobbed aloud i laid my trembling hand upon the hand he put before his face sir he said don t take no notice in a very little while he took his hand away and put it in his breast and went on with his story they often walked with me he said in the morning maybe a mile or two upon my road and when we parted and i said i m very thankful to you god bless you they always seemed to understand and answered pleasant at last i come to the sea it warn t hard you may suppose for a man like me to work his way over to italy when i got i wandered on as i had done afore the people was just as good to me and i should have gone from town to town maybe the country through but that i got news of her being seen among them mountains yonder one as know d his servant see em there all three and told me how they travelled and where they was i made for them mountains r day and night ever so fur as i went ever so fur the mountains seemed to shift away from me but i come up with em and i crossed em when i got nigh the place as i had been told of i began to think within my own self what shall i do when i see her the listening face insensible to the night still drooped at the door and the hands begged me prayed me not to cast it forth i never doubted her said mr no not a bit on y let her see my face on y let her my voice on y let my still afore her bring to her thoughts the home she had fled away from and the child she had been and if she had to be a royal lady she d have fell down at my feet i know d it well many a time in my sleep had i her cry out uncle and seen her fall like death afore me many a time in my sleep had i raised her up and whispered to her em ly my dear i am come fur to bring forgiveness and to take you home he stopped and shook his head and went on with a sigh he was to me now em ly was all i bought a country dress to put upon her and i know d that once found she would walk beside me over them stony roads go where i would and never never leave me more to put that dress upon her and to cast off what she wore to take her on my arm again and wander towards home to stop sometimes upon the road and heal her bruised feet and her worse bruised heart was all that i of now i t believe i should have done so much as look at him but r it warn t to be not yet i was too late and they was gone i couldn t learn some said some said i travelled and i travelled but i found no em ly and i travelled home how long ago i asked a matter o days said mr i sighted the old boat dark and the light a shining in the when i come nigh and looked in through the glass i see the faithful by the fire as we had fixed upon alone i called out t be it s dan l and i went in i never could have the old boat would have been so strange some pocket in his breast he took out with a very careful hand op david a small paper bundle containing two or three letters or little which he laid upon the table this first one come he said selecting it from the rest afore i had been gone a week a fifty pound bank note in a sheet of paper directed to me and put underneath the door in the night she tried to hide her writing but she couldn t hide it from me he folded up the note again with great patience and care in exactly the same form and laid it on one side this come to he said opening another two or three months ago after looking at it for some moments	8
he gave it to me and added in a low voice be so good as read it sir i read as follows oh what will you feel when you see this writing and know it comes from my wicked hand but try try not for my sake but for uncle s goodness try to let your heart soften to me only for a little little time try pray do to towards a miserable girl and write down on a bit of paper whether he is well and what he said about me before you left off ever me among yourselves and whether of a night when it is my old time of coming home you ever see him look as if he thought of one he used to love so dear oh my heart is breaking when i think about it i am kneeling down to you begging and praying you not to be as hard with me as i deserve as i well well know i deserve but to be so gentle and so good as to write down something of him and to send it to me you need not call me little you need not call me by the name i have disgraced but oh listen to my agony and have mercy on me so far as to write me some word of uncle never never to be seen in this world by my eyes again dear if your heart is hard towards me justly hard i know but listen if it is hard dear ask him i have wronged the most him whose wife i was to have been before you quite decide against my poor poor prayer if he should be so compassionate as to say that you might write something for me to read i think he would oh i think he would if you would only ask him for he always was so brave and so tell him then but not else that when i hear the wind blowing at night i feel as if it was passing angrily from seeing him and uncle and was going up to god against me tell him that if i was to die to morrow and oh if i was fit i would be so glad to die i would bless him and uncle with my last words and pray for his happy home with my last breath some money was in this letter also five pounds it was untouched like the previous sum and he it in the same way detailed instructions were added relative to the address of a reply which although they betrayed the of several hands and made it difficult to arrive at any very probable conclusion in reference to her place of concealment made it at least not unlikely that she had written from that spot where she was stated to have been seen what answer was sent i inquired of mr he returned not being a good scholar sir ham kindly it out and she made a copy on it they told her i was gone to seek her and what my parting words was is that another letter in your hand said i it s money sir said mr it a little way ten pound you see and wrote inside from a true friend like the first but the first was put underneath the door and this come by the post day afore yesterday i m a going to seek her at the post mark he showed it to me it was a town on the upper he had the personal history and experience found out at some foreign who knew that country and they had drawn him a rude map on paper which he could very well understand he laid it between us on the table and with his chin resting on one hand his course upon it with the other i asked him how ham was he shook his head he works he said as bold as a man can his name s as good in all that part as any man s is in the anyone s hand is ready to help him you understand and his is ready to help them he s never been fur to complain but my sister s belief is ourselves as it has cut him deep poor fellow i can believe it he ain t no care r said mr in a solemn whisper no care no how for his life when a man s wanted for rough service in rough weather he s when there s hard duty to be done with danger in it he steps forward afore all his mates and yet he s as gentle as any child there ain t a child in that t know him he gathered up the letters thoughtfully them with his hand put them into their little bundle and placed it tenderly in his breast again the face was gone from the door i still saw the snow drifting in but nothing else was there well he said looking to his bag having seen you to night r and that me good i shall away to morrow morning you have seen what i ve got putting his hand on where the little packet lay all that troubles me is to think that any harm might come to me afore that money was give back if i was to die and it was lost or stole or made away with and it was never by him but what i d took it i believe the t other wouldn t hold me i believe i must come back he rose and i rose too we grasped each other by the hand again before going out i d go ten thousand mile he said i d go till i dropped dead to lay that money down afore him if i do that	8
all the sisters laugh at it agreeable said i yes returned with perfect innocence it s a joke for us they pretend that has a lock of it in her desk and is obliged to shut it in a clasped book to keep it down we laugh about it by the bye my dear said i your experience may suggest something to me when you became engaged to the young lady whom you have just mentioned did you make a regular proposal to her family was there anything like what we are going through to day for instance i added nervously why replied on whose attentive face a thoughtful shade had stolen it was rather a painful transaction in my case you see being of so much use in the family none of them could endure the thought of her ever being married indeed they had quite settled among themselves that she never was to be married and they called her the old maid accordingly when i mentioned it with the greatest precaution to mrs the mamma said i the mamma said when i mentioned it with every possible precaution to mrs the effect upon her was such that she gave a scream and became insensible i couldn t approach the subject again for months of david you did at last said i well the did said he is an excellent man most in every way and he pointed out to her that she ought as a christian to reconcile herself to the sacrifice especially as it was so uncertain and to bear no feeling towards me as to myself i give you my word i felt a perfect bird of prey towards the family the sisters took your part i hope why i can t say they did he returned when we had comparatively reconciled mrs to it we had to break it to you recollect my mentioning as the one that has something the matter with her perfectly she clenched both her hands said looking at me in dismay shut her eyes turned lead color became perfectly stiff and took nothing for two days but toast and water administered with a what a very unpleasant girl i remarked oh i beg your pardon said she is a very charming girl but she has a great deal of feeling in fact they all have told me afterwards that the self reproach she while she was in attendance upon no words could describe i know it must have been severe by my own feelings which were like a criminal s after was restored we still had to break it to the other eight and it produced various effects upon them of a most pathetic nature the two little ones whom have only just left off de me at any rate they are all reconciled to it now i hope said i ye yes i should say they were on the whole resigned to it said doubtfully the fact is we avoid mentioning the subject and my unsettled prospects and indifferent circumstances are a great consolation to them there will be a deplorable scene whenever we are married it will be much more like a funeral than a wedding and they all hate me for taking her away his honest face as he looked at me with a comic shake of his head me more in the remembrance than it did in the reality for i was by this time in a state of such excessive and wandering of mind as to be quite unable to fix my attention on anything on our approaching the house where the lived i was at such a in respect of my personal looks and presence of mind that proposed a gentle in the form of a glass of ale this having been administered at a neighbouring public house he conducted me with tottering steps to the s door i had a vague sensation of being as it were on view when the maid opened it and of wavering somehow across a hall with a weather glass in it into a quiet little drawing room on the ground floor commanding a neat garden also of sitting down here on a sofa and seeing s hair start up now his hat was removed like one of those little figures made of springs that fly out of snuff boxes when the lid is taken off also of hearing an old fashioned clock away on the e e the personal history and experience piece and trying to make it keep time to the of my heart which it wouldn t also of looking round the room for any n of and seeing none also of thinking that once in the distance and was instantly choked by somebody ultimately i found myself into the fire place and bowing in great confusion to two dry little elderly ladies dressed in black and each looking wonderfully like a preparation in or tan of the late mr pray said one of the two little ladies be seated when i had done tumbling over and had sat upon something which was not a cat my first seat was i so far recovered my sight perceive that mr had evidently been the youngest of the family that there was a of six or eight years between the two sisters and that the younger appeared to be the manager of the conference inasmuch as she had my letter in her hand so familiar as it looked to me and yet so odd and was referring to it through an they were dressed alike but this sister wore her dress with a more youthful air than the other and perhaps had a trifle more or or or or some little thing of that kind which made her look more lively they were both upright in their carriage formal precise composed and quiet the sister who had	8
not my letter had her arms crossed on her breast and resting on each other like an idol mr i believe said the sister who had got my letter addressing herself to this was a frightful beginning had to indicate that i was mr and had to lay claim to myself and they had to themselves of a opinion that was mr and altogether we were in a nice condition to improve it we all distinctly heard give two short and receive another choke mr said the sister with the letter i did something bowed i suppose and was all attention when the other sister struck in my sister said she being with matters of this nature will state what we consider most calculated to promote the happiness of both parties i discovered afterwards that miss was an authority in affairs of the heart by reason of there having existed a certain mr who played short and was supposed to have been of her my private opinion is that this was entirely a assumption and that was altogether innocent of any such sentiments to which he had never given any sort of expression that i could ever hear of both miss and miss had a superstition however that he would have declared his passion if he had not been cut short in his youth at about sixty by over drinking his constitution and an attempt to set it right again by bath water they had a lurking suspicion even that he died of secret love though i must say there was a picture of him in the house with a nose which concealment did not appear to have ever upon we will not said miss enter on the past history of this matter our poor brother francis s death has that we had not said miss been in the habit of frequent y z a j z u v of david association with our brother francis but there was no decided division or between us francis took his road we took ours we considered it to the happiness of all parties that it should be so and it was so each of the sisters leaned a little forward to speak shook her head after speaking and became upright again when silent miss never moved her arms she sometimes played tunes upon them with her fingers and i should think but never moved them our niece s position or supposed position is much changed by our brother francis s death said miss and therefore we consider our brother s opinions as regarded her position as being changed too we have no reason to doubt mr that you are a young gentleman possessed of good qualities and honorable character or that you have an affection or are fully persuaded that you have an affection for our niece i replied as i usually did whenever i had a chance that nobody had ever loved anybody else as i loved came to my assistance with a murmur miss was going make some when miss who appeared to be incessantly beset by a desire to refer to her brother francis struck in again if s mamma she said when she married our brother francis had at once said that there was not room for the family at the dinner table it would have been better for the happiness of all parties sister said miss perhaps we needn t mind that now sister said miss it belongs to the subject with your branch of the subject on which alone you are competent to speak i should not think of interfering on this branch of the subject i have a voice and an opinion it would have been better for the happiness of all parties if s mamma when she married our brother francis had mentioned plainly what her intentions were we should then have known what we had to expect we should have said pray do not invite us at any time and all possibility of misunderstanding would have been avoided when miss had shaken her head miss resumed again referring to my letter through her eye glass they both had little bright round twinkling eyes by the way which were like birds eyes they were not unlike birds altogether having a sharp brisk sudden manner and a little short way of themselves like miss as i have said resumed you ask permission of my sister and myself mr to visit here as the accepted of our niece if our brother francis said miss breaking out again if i may call anything so calm a breaking out wished to surround himself with an atmosphere of doctors and of doctors only what right or desire had we to object none i am sure we have ever been far from wishing to ourselves on any one but why not say so let our brother francis and his wife have their society let my sister and myself have our society we can find it for ourselves i hope the personal history and experience as this appeared to be addressed and me both and i made some sort of reply was i think i observed myself that it was highly creditable to all concerned i don t in the least know what i meant sister said miss having now relieved her mind you can go on my dear miss proceeded mr my sister and i have been very careful indeed in considering this letter and we have not considered it without finally showing it to our niece and discussing it with our niece we have no doubt that you think you like her very much think ma am i began oh but miss giving me a look just like a sharp as that i would not interrupt the i begged pardon affection said miss glancing at her sister for which she gave in the form of a little nod to every	8
mature affection homage devotion does not easily express itself its voice is low it is modest and retiring it lies in waits and waits such is the mature fruit sometimes a life away and finds it still in the shade of course i did not understand then that this was an allusion to her supposed experience of the stricken but i saw from the gravity with which miss nodded her head that great weight was attached to these words the light for i call them in comparison with such sentiments the light inclinations of very young people pursued miss are dust compared to rocks it is owing to the difficulty of knowing whether they are likely to endure or have any real foundation that my sister and myself have been very how to act mr and mr said my friend finding himself looked at i beg pardon of the inner temple i believe said miss again glancing at my letter said exactly so and became pretty red in the face now although i had not received any express encouragement as yet i fancied that i saw in the two little sisters and particularly in miss an enjoyment of this new and fruitful subject of domestic interest a settling down to make the most of it a disposition to pet it in which there was a good bright ray of hope i thought i perceived that miss would have uncommon satisfaction in two young lovers like and me and that miss would have hardly less satisfaction in seeing her us and in in with her own particular department of the subject whenever that impulse was strong upon her this gave me courage to protest most vehemently that i loved better than i could tell or any one believe that all my friends knew how i loved her that my aunt every one who knew me knew how i loved her and how earnest my love had made me for the truth of this i appealed to and firing up as if he were plunging into a debate really did come out nobly me in good of david round terms v and in a plain sensible practical manner that evidently made a favorable impression i speak if i may presume to say so as one who has some little experience of such things said being myself engaged to a young lady one of ten down in and seeing no probability at present of our engagement coming to a termination you may be able to confirm what i have said mr observed miss evidently taking a new interest in him of the affection that is modest and retiring that waits and waits entirely ma am said miss looked at miss and shook her head gravely miss looked at miss and heaved a little sigh sister said miss take my smelling bottle miss revived herself with a few of and i looking on with great solicitude the while and then went on to say rather faintly my sister and myself have been in great doubt mr what course we ought to take in reference to the or imaginary of such very young people as your friend mr and our niece our brother francis s child remarked miss if our brother francis s wife had found it convenient in her life time though she had an right to act as she thought best to invite the family to her dinner table we might have known our brother francis s child better at the present moment sister proceed miss turned my letter so as to bring the towards herself and referred through her eye glass to some orderly looking notes she had made on that part of it it seems to us said she prudent mr to bring these feelings to the test of our own observation at present we know nothing of them and are not in a situation to judge how much reality there may be in them therefore we are inclined so far to to mr s proposal as to admit his visits here i shall never dear ladies i exclaimed relieved of an immense load of apprehension forget your kindness but pursued miss but we would prefer to regard those visits mr as made at present to us we must guard ourselves from any positive engagement between mr and our niece until we have had an opportunity until you have had an opportunity sister said miss be it so assented miss with a sigh until i have had an opportunity of observing them said turning to me you feel i am sure that nothing could be more reasonable or considerate nothing cried i i am deeply sensible of it in this position of affairs said miss again referring to her notes and admitting his visits on this understanding only we must require from mr a distinct assurance on his word of honor that no communication of any kind shall take place between him and our niece without our knowledge that no project whatever shall be entertained with regard to our niece without being first submitted to us the personal history and experience to you sister miss interposed so assented miss to me and receiving our we must make this a most express and serious not to be broken on any account we wished mr to be accompanied by some confidential friend to day with an inclination of her head towards who bowed in order that there might be no doubt or on this subject if mr or if you mr feel the least scruple in giving this promise i beg you to take time to consider it i exclaimed in a state of high that not a moment s consideration could be necessary i bound myself by the required promise in a most impassioned manner called upon to witness it and myself as the most of characters if i ever from	8
door at first she wouldn t come at all and then she pleaded for five minutes by my watch when at length she put her arm through mine to be taken to the drawing room her charming little face was flushed and had never been so pretty but when we went into the room and it turned pale she was ten thousand times prettier yet was afraid of she had told me that she knew was too clever but when she saw her looking at once so cheerful and so earnest and so thoughtful and so good she gave a faint little cry of pleased surprise and just put her affectionate arms round s neck and laid her innocent cheek against her face i never was so happy i never was so pleased as when i saw those two sit down together side by side as when i saw my little darling looking up so naturally to those cordial eyes as when i saw the tender beautiful regard which cast upon her miss and miss partook in their way of my joy it was the tea table in the world miss presided i cut and handed the sweet seed cake the little sisters had a bird like fondness for picking up seeds and at sugar miss looked on with the personal history and experience patronage as if our happy love were all her work and we were perfectly contented with ourselves and one another the gentle cheerfulness of went to all their hearts her quiet interest in everything that interested her manner of making acquaintance with who responded instantly her pleasant way when was ashamed to come over to her usual seat by me her modest grace and ease a crowd of blushing little marks of confidence from seemed to make our circle quite complete i am so glad said after tea that you like me i didn t think you would and i want more than ever to be liked now mills is gone i have omitted to mention it by the bye miss mills had sailed and and i had gone aboard a great east at to see her and we had had preserved and and other of that sort for lunch and we had left miss mills weeping on a on the quarter deck with a large new under her arm in which the original reflections awakened by the contemplation of ocean were to be recorded under lock and key said she was afraid i must have given her an character but corrected that directly oh no she said shaking her curls at me it was all praise he thinks so much of your opinion that i was quite afraid of it my good opinion cannot strengthen his attachment to some people whom he knows said with a smile it is not worth their having but please let me have it said in her way if you can we made merry about s wanting to be liked and said i was a goose and she didn t like me at any rate and the short evening flew away on wings the time was at hand when the coach was to call for us i was standing alone before the fire when came stealing softly in to give me that usual precious little kiss before i went don t you think if i had had her for a friend a long time ago said her bright eyes shining very brightly and her little right hand idly itself with one of the buttons of my coat i might have been more clever perhaps my love said i what nonsense do you think it is nonsense returned without looking at me are you sure it is of course i am i have forgotten said still turning the button round and round what relation is to you you dear bad boy no blood relation i replied but we were brought up together like brother and sister i wonder why you ever fell in love with me said beginning on another button of my coat perhaps because i couldn t see you and not love you suppose you had never seen me at all said going to another button suppose we had never been born said i gaily of david i wondered what she was thinking about as i glanced in admiring silence at the little soft hand travelling up the row of buttons on my coat and at the hair that lay against my breast and at the lashes of her downcast eyes slightly rising as they followed her idle fingers at length her eyes were lifted up to mine and she stood on to give me more thoughtfully than usual that precious little kiss once twice three times and went out of the room they all came back together within five minutes afterwards and s unusual was quite gone then she was resolved to put through the whole of his performances before the coach came they took some time not so much on account of their variety as s reluctance and were still unfinished when it was heard at the door there was a hurried but affectionate parting between and herself and was to write to who was not to mind her letters being foolish she said and was to write to and they had a second parting at the coach door and a third when in spite of the of miss would come running out once more to remind at the coach window about writing and to shake her curls at me on the box the stage coach was to put us down near garden where we were to take another stage coach for i was impatient for the short walk in the interval that might praise to me ah what praise it was how lovingly and fervently did it commend the pretty creature i had won with all her graces best displayed to my most	8
of his body i dare say i didn t make myself very clear he went on nor you neither naturally we was both of us inclined to give such a subject a wide berth ever at last i have made up my mind to speak plain and i have mentioned to doctor strong that did you speak sir this was to the doctor who had moaned the sound might have touched any heart i thought but it had no effect upon s mentioned to doctor strong he proceeded that any one may see that mr and the lovely and agreeable lady as is doctor strong s wife are too sweet on one another really the time is come we being at present all mixing ourselves up with what t to be when doctor strong must be told that this was full as plain to everybody as the sun before mr went to india that mr made excuses to come back for nothing else and that he s always here for nothing else when you come in sir i was just putting it to my towards whom he turned to say to doctor strong upon his word and honor whether he d ever been of this opinion long ago or not come mr sir would you be so good as tell us yes or no sir come partner god s sake my dear doctor said mr again laying his hand upon the doctor s arm don t attach too much weight to any suspicions i may have entertained there cried shaking his head what a melancholy confirmation ain t it him such an old friend bless your soul when i was nothing but a clerk in his office i ve seen him twenty times if i ve seen him once quite in a taking about it quite put out you know and very proper in him as a father i m sure i can t blame him to think that miss was mixing herself up with what t to be my dear strong said mr in a tremulous voice my good friend i needn t tell you that it has been my vice to look for some one master motive in everybody and to try all actions by one narrow test i may have fallen into such doubts as i have had through this mistake you have had doubts said the doctor without lifting up his head you have had doubts speak up fellow partner urged i had at one time certainly said mi i god forgive me i thought you had no no no returned the doctor in a tone of most pathetic grief if the personal history and experience i thought at one time said mr that you wished to send abroad to effect a desirable separation no no no returned the doctor to give pleasure some provision for the companion of her childhood nothing else so i found said mr i couldn t doubt it when you told me so but i thought i you to remember the narrow construction which has been my sin that in a case where there was so much in point of years that s the way to put it you see master observed with and offensive pity a lady of such youth and such attractions however real her respect for you might have been influenced in marrying by worldly considerations only i made no allowance for innumerable feelings and circumstances that may have all tended to good for heaven s sake remember that how kind he puts it said shaking his head always observing her from one point of view said mr but by all that is dear to you my old friend i entreat you to consider what it was i am forced to confess now having no escape no there s no way out of it mr sir observed is when it s got to that i did said mr glancing helplessly and at his partner that i did doubt her and think her wanting in her duty to you and that i did sometimes if i must say all feel averse to being in such a familiar relation towards her as to see what i saw or in my theory fancied that i saw i never mentioned this to anyone i never meant it to be known to any one and though it is terrible to you to hear said mr quite subdued if you knew how terrible it is to me to tell you would feel compassion for me the doctor in the perfect goodness of his nature put out his hand mr held it for a little while in his with his head bowed down i am sure said himself into the silence like a that this is a subject full of to everybody since we have got so far i ought to take the liberty of mentioning that has noticed it too i turned upon him and asked him how he dared refer to me oh it s very kind of you returned all over and we all know what an amiable character yours is but you know that the moment i spoke to you the other night you knew what i meant you know you knew what i meant don t deny it you deny it with the best intentions but don t do it i saw the mild eye of the good old doctor turned upon me for a moment and i felt that the confession of my old and was too plainly written in my face to be overlooked it was of no use raging i could not undo that say what i would i could not it we were silent again and remained so until the doctor rose and of david walked twice or thrice across the room presently he returned to where his chair stood and leaning on the back	8
of it and occasionally putting his handkerchief to his eyes with a simple honesty that did him more honor to my thinking than any disguise he could have affected said i have been much to blame i believe i have been very much to blame i have exposed one whom i hold in my heart to trials and i call them even to have been conceived in anybody s inmost mind of which she never but for me could have been the object gave a kind of i think to express sympathy of which my said the doctor never but for me could have been the object gentlemen i am old now as you know i do not feel to night that i have much to live for but my life my life upon the truth and honor of the dear lady who has been the subject of this conversation i do not think that the best of chivalry the of the and most romantic figure ever imagined by painter could have said this with a more impressive and affecting dignity than the plain old doctor did but i am not prepared he went on to deny perhaps i may have been without knowing it in some degree prepared to admit that i may have that lady into an unhappy marriage i am a man quite to observe and i cannot but believe that the observation of several people of different ages and positions all too plainly tending in one direction and that so natural is better than mine i had often admired as i have elsewhere described his manner towards his youthful wife but the respectful tenderness lie manifested in every reference to her on this occasion and the almost manner in which he put away from him the doubt of her integrity exalted him in my eyes beyond description i married that lady said the doctor when she was extremely young i took her to myself when her character was scarcely formed so far as it was developed it had been my happiness to form it i knew her father well i knew her well i had taught her what i could for the love of all her beautiful and virtuous qualities if i did her wrong as i fear i did in taking advantage but i never meant it of her gratitude and her affection i ask pardon of that lady in my heart he walked across the room and came back to the same place holding the chair with a grasp that trembled like his subdued voice in its earnestness i regarded myself as a refuge for her from the dangers and of life i persuaded myself that unequal though we were in years she would live and with me i did not shut out of my consideration the time when i should leave her free and still young and still beautiful but with her judgment more no gentlemen upon my truth his homely figure seemed to be lightened up by his fidelity and generosity every word he uttered had a force that no other grace could have imparted to it the personal history and experience my life with this lady has been very happy until to night i have had occasion to bless the day on which i did her great injustice his voice more and more faltering in the utterance of these words stopped for a few moments then he went on once awakened from my dream i have been a poor in one way or other all my life i see how natural it is that she should have some feeling towards her old companion and her equal that she does regard him with some innocent regret with some thoughts of what might have been but for me is i fear too true much that i have seen but not noted has come back upon me with new meaning during this last trying hour but beyond this gentlemen the dear lady s name never must be coupled with a word a breath of doubt for a little while his eye kindled and his voice was firm for a little while he was again silent presently he proceeded as before it only remains for me to bear the knowledge of the i have occasioned as as i can it is she who should reproach not i to save her from cruel that even my friends have not been able to avoid becomes my duty the more retired we live the better i shall discharge it and when the time comes may it come soon if it be his merciful pleasure when my death shall release her from i shall close my eyes upon her honored face with unbounded confidence and love and leave her with no sorrow then to happier and brighter days i could not see him for the tears which his earnestness and goodness so adorned by and so the perfect simplicity of his manner brought into my eyes he had moved to the door when he added gentlemen i have shown you my heart i am sure you will respect it what we have said to night is never to be said more give me an old friend s arm up stairs mr hastened to him without a word they went slowly out of the room together looking after them well master said meekly turning to me the thing hasn t took quite the turn that might have been expected for the old scholar what an excellent man is as blind as a but this family s out of the cart i think i needed but the sound of his voice to be so madly enraged as i never was before and never have been since you villain said i what do you mean by me into your schemes how dare you appeal to me just now	8
you false rascal as if we had been in discussion together as we stood front to front i saw so plainly in the stealthy exultation of his face what i already so plainly knew i mean that he forced his confidence upon me expressly to make me miserable and had set a deliberate trap for me in this very matter that i couldn t bear it the whole of his cheek was before me and i struck it with my open hand with that force that my fingers as if i had burnt them he caught the hand in his and we stood in that looking at each other we stood so a long time long enough for me to see the of david white marks of my fingers die out of the deep red of his cheek and leave it a deeper red he said at length in a breathless voice have you taken leave of your senses i have taken leave of you said i my hand away you dog i know no more of you won t you said he constrained by the pain of his cheek to put his hand there perhaps you won t be able to help it isn t this ungrateful of you now i have shown you often enough said i that i despise you i have shown you now more plainly that i do why should i dread your doing your worst to all about you what else do you ever do he perfectly understood this allusion to the considerations that had hitherto restrained me in my communications with him i rather think that neither the blow nor the allusion would have escaped me but for the assurance i had had from that night it is no matter there was another long pause his eyes as he looked at me seemed to take every shade of color that could make eyes ugly he said removing his hand from his cheek you have always gone against me i know you always used to be against me at mr s you may think what you said i still in a towering rage if it is not true so much the you and yet i always liked you he rejoined i to make him no reply and taking up my hat was going out to bed when he came between me and the door he said there must be two parties to a quarrel i won t be one you may go to the devil said i don t say that he replied i know you be sorry afterwards how can you make yourself so inferior to me as to show such a bad spirit but i forgive you you forgive me i repeated i do and you can t help yourself replied v to think of your going and attacking me that have always been a friend to you but there can t be a quarrel without two parties and i won t be one i will be a friend to you in spite of you so now you know what you ve got to expect the necessity of carrying on this dialogue his part in which was very slow mine very quick in a low tone that the house might not be disturbed at an hour did not improve my temper though my passion was down merely telling him that i should expect from him what i always had expected and had never yet been disappointed in i opened the door upon him as if he had been a great put there to be cracked and went out of the house but he slept out of the house too at his mother s lodging and before i had gone many hundred yards came up with me you know he said in my ear i did not turn my head you re in quite a wrong position which i felt to be true and that made me the more you can t make this a brave thing the personal and experience and you can t help being forgiven i don t intend to mention it to mother nor to any living soul i m determined to forgive you but i do wonder that you should lift your hand against a person that you knew to be so i felt only less mean than he he knew me better than i knew myself if he had retorted or openly exasperated me it would have been a relief and a justification but he had put me on a slow fire on which i lay tormented half the night in the morning when i came out the early church bell was ringing and he was walking up and down with his mother he addressed me as if nothing had happened and i could do no less than reply i had struck him hard enough to give him the i suppose at all events his face was tied up in a black silk handkerchief which with his hat perched on the top of it was far from improving his appearance i heard that he went to a s in london on the monday morning and had a tooth out i hope it was a double one the doctor gave out that he was not quite well and remained alone for a considerable part of every day during the remainder of the visit and her father had been gone a week before we resumed our usual work on the day preceding its the doctor gave me with his own hands a folded note not sealed it was addressed to myself and laid an on me in a few affectionate words never to refer to the subject of that evening i had confided it to my aunt but to no one else it was not a subject i could discuss with and certainly had not the least suspicion of what had passed neither i felt convinced had mrs strong	8
still more so by its contents still more so by the of confidence which i beg to impose but my feelings as a wife and mother require relief and as i do not wish to consult my family already to the feelings of mr i know no one of whom i can better ask advice than my friend and former you maybe aware my dear mr that between myself and mr whom i will never desert there has always been preserved a spirit of mutual confidence mr may have occasionally given a bill without consulting me or he may have me as to the period when that obligation would become due this has actually happened but in general mr has had no secrets from the bosom of affection i allude to his wife and has invariably on our retirement to rest recalled the events of the day you will picture to yourself my dear mr what the of my feelings must be when i inform you that mr is entirely changed he is reserved he is secret his life is a mystery to the partner of his joys and sorrows i again allude to his wife and if i should assure you that beyond knowing that it is passed from morning to night at the office i now know less of it than i do of the man in the south connected with whose mouth the thoughtless children repeat an idle tale respecting cold i should adopt a popular to express an actual fact but this is not all mr is he is severe he is from our eldest son and daughter he has no pride in his he looks with an eye of coldness even on the stranger who last became a member of our circle the pecuniary means of meeting our expenses kept down to the utmost are obtained from him with great difficulty and even under fearful threats that he will settle himself the exact expression and he refuses to give any explanation whatever of this policy this is hard to bear this is heart breaking if you will advise me knowing my feeble powers such as they are how you think it will be best to exert them in a so unwonted you will add another friendly obligation to the many you have already rendered me with loves from the children and a smile from the happily unconscious stranger i remain dear mr your afflicted of david i did not feel justified in giving a wife of mrs s experience any other recommendation than that she should try to mr by patience and kindness as i knew she would in any case but the letter set me thinking about him very much another once again let me pause upon a memorable period of my life let me stand aside to see the of those days go by me accompanying the shadow of myself in dim procession weeks months seasons pass along they seem little more than a summer day and a winter evening now the common where i walk with is all in bloom a field of bright gold and now the unseen lies in and underneath a covering of snow in a breath the river that flows through our sunday walks is sparkling in the summer sun is ruffled by the winter wind or with drifting heaps of ice than ever river ran towards the sea it flashes and rolls away not a thread changes in the house of the two little bird like ladies the clock over the fire place the weather glass hangs in the hall neither clock nor weather glass is ever right but we believe in both devoutly i have come to man s estate i have attained the dignity of twenty one but this is a sort of dignity that may be thrust upon one let me think what i have achieved i have tamed that savage mystery i make a respectable income by it i am in high for my accomplishment in all to the art and am joined with eleven others in the in parliament for a morning newspaper night after night i record that never come to pass professions that are never fulfilled explanations that are only meant to i in words that unfortunate female is always before me like a fowl through and through with office pens and bound hand and foot with red i am sufficiently behind the scenes to know the worth of political life i am quite an about it and shall never be converted my dear old has tried his hand at the same pursuit but it is not in s way he is perfectly good humoured respecting his failure and reminds me that he always did consider himself slow he has occasional employment on the same newspaper in getting up the facts of dry subjects to be written about and by more fertile minds he is called to the bar and with admirable industry and self denial has scraped another hundred pounds together to fee a whose chambers he a great deal of very hot port wine was consumed the personal history and experience at his call and considering the figure i should think the inner temple must have made a profit by it i have come out in another way i have taken with fear and trembling to i wrote a little something in secret and sent it to a magazine and it was published in the magazine since then i have taken heart to write a good many trifling pieces now i am regularly paid for them altogether i am well off when i tell my income on the fingers of my left hand i pass the third finger and take in the fourth to the middle joint we have removed from street to a pleasant little cottage very near the one i looked at when my enthusiasm first came on my aunt however who	8
has sold the house at to good advantage is not going to remain here but removing herself to a still more tiny cottage close at hand what does this my marriage yes yes i am going to be married to miss and miss have given their consent and if ever birds were in a flutter they are miss self charged with the of my darling s wardrobe is constantly cutting out brown paper and in opinion from a highly respectable young man with a long handle and a yard measure under his arm a always in the breast with a needle and thread boards and in the house and seems to me eating drinking or sleeping never to take her off they make a lay figure of my dear they are always sending for her to come and try something on we can t be happy together for five minutes in the evening but some female at the door and says oh if you please miss would you step up stairs miss and my aunt all over london to find out articles of furniture for and me to look at it would be better for them to buy the goods at once without this ceremony of inspection for when we go to see a kitchen and meat screen sees a chinese house for with little bells on the top and prefers that and it takes a long time to to his new residence after we have bought it whenever he goes in or out he makes all the little bells ring and is horribly frightened comes up to make herself useful and falls to work immediately her department appears to be to clean everything over and over again she everything that can be rubbed until it shines like her own honest forehead with perpetual and now it is that i begin to see her solitary brother passing through the dark streets at night and looking as he goes among the wandering faces i never speak to him at such an hour i know too well as his grave figure passes onward what he seeks and what he why does look so important when he calls upon me this afternoon in the where i still occasionally attend for form s sake when i have time the of my boyish day dreams is at hand i am going to take out the license it is a little document to do so much and it as it lies upon my desk half in admiration half in awe there are the names in the sweet old visionary david and of david and there in the corner is that parental institution the stamp office which is so interested in the various transactions of human life looking down upon our union and there is the of a blessing on us in print and doing it as cheap as could possibly be expected nevertheless i am in a dream a happy hurried dream i can t believe that it is going to be and yet i can t believe but that i pass in the street must have some kind of perception that i am to be married the day after to morrow the knows me when i go down to be sworn and of me easily as if there were a understanding between us is not at all wanted but is in attendance as my general i hope the next time you come here my dear fellow i say to it will be on the same errand for yourself and i hope it will be soon thank you for your good wishes my dear he replies i hope so too it s a satisfaction to know that she ll wait for me any length of time and that she really is the dearest girl when are you to meet her at the coach i ask at seven says looking at his plain old silver watch the very watch he once took a wheel out of at school to make a water mill that is about miss s time is it not a little earlier her time is half past eight i assure you my dear boy says i am almost as pleased as if i were going to be married myself to think that this event is coming to such a happy termination and really the great friendship and consideration of personally with the joyful occasion and inviting her to be a in with miss demands my warmest thanks i am extremely sensible of it i hear him and shake hands with him and we talk and walk and dine and so on but i don t believe it nothing is real arrives at the house of s in due course she has the most agreeable of faces not absolutely beautiful but pleasant and is one of the most genial unaffected frank i have ever seen presents her to us with great pride and his hands for ten minutes by the clock with every individual hair upon his head standing on when i congratulate him in a corner on his choice i have brought from the coach and her cheerful and beautiful face is among us for the second time has a great liking for and it is capital to see them meet and to observe the glory of as he the dearest girl in the world to her acquaintance still i don t believe it we have a delightful evening and are happy but i don t believe it yet i can t collect myself i can t check off my happiness as it takes place i feel in a misty and unsettled kind of state as if i had got up very early in the morning a week or two ago and had never been to bed since i can t make out when yesterday was i seem to have been carrying the about in my pocket	8
the other day when you said you would like a little bit of fish i went out myself miles and miles and ordered it to surprise you and it was very kind of you my own darling said i i felt it so much that i wouldn t on any account have even mentioned that you bought a salmon which was too much for two or that it cost one pound six which was more than we can afford you enjoyed it very much sobbed and you said i was a mouse and i ll say so again my love i returned a thousand times but i had wounded s soft little heart and she was not to be comforted she was so pathetic in her sobbing and that i felt as if i had said i don t know what to hurt her i was obliged to hurry away i was kept out late and i felt all night such pangs of remorse as made me miserable i had the conscience of an and was haunted by a vague sense of enormous wickedness it was two or three hours past midnight when i got home i found my aunt in our house sitting up for me is anything the matter aunt said i alarmed nothing trot she replied sit down sit down little blossom has been rather out of spirits and i have been keeping her company g g the personal and experience i leaned my head upon my land and felt more sorry and downcast as i sat looking at the fire than i could have supposed possible so soon after the fulfilment of my brightest hopes as i sat thinking i happened to meet my aunt s eyes which were resting on my face there was an anxious expression in them but it cleared directly i assure you aunt said i i have been quite unhappy myself all night to think of s being so but i had no other intention than to speak to her tenderly and lovingly about our home affairs my aunt nodded encouragement you must have patience trot said she of course heaven knows i don t mean to be unreasonable aunt no no said my aunt but little blossom is a very tender little blossom and the wind must be gentle with her i thanked my good aunt in my heart for her tenderness towards my wife and i was sure that she knew i did don t you think aunt said i after some further contemplation of the fire that you could advise and counsel a little for our mutual advantage now and then trot returned my aunt with some emotion no don t ask me such a thing her tone was so very earnest that i raised my eyes in surprise i look back on my life child said my aunt and i think of some who are in their graves with whom i might have been on kinder terms if i judged harshly of other people s mistakes in marriage it may have been because i had bitter reason to judge harshly of my own let that pass i have been a sort of a woman a good many years i am still and i always shall be but you and i have done one another some good trot at all events you have done me good my dear and division must not come between us at this time of day division between us cried i child child said my aunt her dress how soon it might come between us or how unhappy i might make our little blossom if i in anything a prophet couldn t say i want our pet to like me and be as gay as a butterfly your own home in that second marriage and never do both me and her the injury you have hinted at i comprehended at once that my aunt was right and i comprehended the full extent of her generous feeling towards my dear wife these are early days trot she pursued and rome was not built in a day nor in a year you have chosen freely for yourself a cloud passed over her face for a moment i thought and you have chosen a very pretty and a very affectionate creature it will be your duty and it will be your pleasure too of course i know that i am not delivering a lecture to estimate her as you chose her by the qualities she has and not by the qualities she may not have the latter you must develop in her if you can and if you cannot child here my aunt rubbed her nose you must just yourself to do without em but remember my dear your future is between you two no one can assist you you are to work it out for yourselves this is marriage trot and heaven bless you both in it for a pair of in the wood as you are of david my aunt said this in a way and gave me a kiss to the blessing now said she light my little lantern and see me into my by the garden path for there was a communication between our cottages in that direction give trot wood s love to blossom when you come back and whatever you do trot never dream of setting up as a for if i ever saw her in the glass she s quite grim enough and gaunt enough in her private capacity with this my aunt tied her head up in a handkerchief with which she was accustomed to make a bundle of it on such occasions and i escorted her home as she stood in her garden holding up her little lantern to light me back i thought her observation of me had an anxious air again but i was too much occupied in pondering on what	8
she had said and too much impressed for the first time in reality by the conviction that and i had indeed to work out our future for ourselves and that no one could assist us to take much notice of it came stealing down in her little slippers to meet me now that i was alone and cried upon my shoulder and said i had been and she had been naughty and i said much the same thing in effect i believe and we made it up and agreed that our first little difference was to be our last and that we were never to have another if we lived a hundred years the next domestic trial we went through was the ordeal of servants mary anne s cousin deserted into our coal hole and was brought out to our great amazement by a of his companions in arms who took him away in a procession that covered our front garden with this me to get rid of mary anne who went so mildly on receipt of wages that i was surprised until i found out about the tea and also about the little sums she had borrowed in my name of the without authority after an interval of mrs the oldest of town i believe who went out but was too feeble to execute her of that art we found another treasure who was one of the most amiable of women but who generally made a point of falling either up or down the kitchen stairs with the tray and almost always plunged into the parlor as into a bath with the tea things the committed by this unfortunate rendering her dismissal necessary she was succeeded with intervals of mrs by a long line of in a young person of genteel appearance who went to fair in s bonnet after whom i remember nothing but an average equality of failure everybody we had anything to do with seemed to cheat us our appearance in a shop was a signal for the goods to be brought out immediately if we bought a it was full of water all our meat turned out to be tough and there was hardly any crust to our in search of the principle on which joints ought to be to be enough and not too much i myself referred to the book and found it there established as the allowance of a quarter of an hour to every pound and say a quarter over but the principle always failed us by some curious and we never could hit any medium between and the personal history and experience i had reason to believe that in these failures we incurred a far greater expense than if we had achieved a series of triumphs it appeared to me on looking over the s books as if we might have kept the story paved with butter such was the extensive scale of our consumption of that article i don t know whether the returns of the period may have exhibited any increase in the demand for but if our performances did not affect the market i should say several families must have left off using it and the most wonderful fact of all was that we never had anything in the house as to the the clothes and coming in a state of penitent to i suppose that might have happened several times to anybody also the chimney on fire the parish engine and on the part of the but i apprehend that we were personally unfortunate in engaging a servant with a taste for who swelled our running account for porter at the public house by such inexplicable as rum mrs c half gin and mrs c glass rum and mrs c the always referring to who was supposed it appeared on explanation to have the whole of these one of our first in the housekeeping way was a little dinner to i met him in town and asked him to walk out with me that afternoon he readily i wrote to saying i would bring him home it was pleasant weather and on the road we made my domestic happiness the theme of conversation was very full of it and said that himself with such a home and waiting and preparing for him he could think of nothing wanting to complete his bliss i could not have wished for a prettier little wife at the opposite end of the table but i certainly could have wished when we down for a little more room i did not know how it was but though there were only two of us we were at once always cramped for room and yet had always room enough to lose everything in i suspect it may have been because nothing had a place of its own except s which invariably blocked up the main on the present occasion was so hemmed in by the and the case and s flower painting and my writing table that i had serious doubts of the possibility of his using his knife and fork but he protested with his own good humour of room i assure you there was another thing i could have wished namely that had never been encouraged to walk about the table cloth during dinner i began to think there was something in his being there at all even if he had not been in the habit of putting his foot in the salt or the melted butter on this occasion he seemed to think he was introduced expressly to keep at bay and he at my old friend and made short runs at his plate with such that he may be said to have engrossed the conversation however as i knew how tender hearted my dear was and how sensitive she would be to any slight upon her favorite i hinted no objection for similar reasons	8
i made no allusion to the v of david plates upon the floor or to the appearance of the which were all at and and looked drunk or to the further of by wandering vegetable dishes and i could not help wondering in my own mind as i contemplated the boiled leg of mutton before me previous to carving it how it came to pass that our joints of meat were of such extraordinary shapes and whether our butcher contracted for all the sheep that came into the world but i kept my reflections to myself my love said i to what have you got in that dish i could not imagine why had been making tempting little faces at me as if she wanted to kiss me ii dear said timidly was that your thought said i delighted ye yes said there never was a happier one i exclaimed laying down the carving knife and fork there is nothing likes so much ye yes said and so i bought a beautiful little barrel of them and the man said they were very good but i i am afraid there s something the matter with them they don t seem right here shook her head and diamonds in her eyes they are only opened in both shells said i take the top one off my love but it won t come off said trying very hard and looking very much distressed do you know said cheerfully examining the dish i think it is in consequence they are capital but i think it is in consequence of their never having been opened they never had been opened and we had no knives and couldn t have used them if we had so we looked at the and ate the mutton at least we ate as much of it as was done and made up with if i had permitted him i am satisfied that would have made a perfect savage of himself and eaten a of raw meat to express enjoyment of the but i would hear of no such on the altar of friendship and we had a course of bacon instead there happening by good fortune to be cold bacon in the my poor little wife was in such affliction when she thought i should be annoyed and in such a state of joy when she found i was not that the discomfiture i had subdued very soon vanished and we passed a happy evening sitting with her arm on my chair while and i discussed a glass of wine and taking every opportunity of whispering in my ear that it was so good of me not to be a cruel cross old boy by and bye she made tea for us which it was so pretty to see her do as if she were herself with a set of doll s tea things that i was not particular about the quality of the then and i played a game or two at and to the the while it seemed to me as if our courtship and marriage were a tender dream of mine and the night when i first listened to her voice were not yet over when went away and i came back into the parlor from seeing him out my wife planted her chair close to mine and sat down by my side the personal history and experience i am very sorry she said will you try to teach me i must teach myself first said i i am as bad as vou love ah but you can learn she returned and you are a clever clever man nonsense mouse said i i wish resumed my wife after a long silence that i could have gone down into the country for a whole year and lived with her hands were clasped upon my shoulder and her chin rested on them and her blue eyes looked quietly into mine why so i asked i think she might have improved me and i think i might have learnt from tier said all in good time my love has had her father to take care of for these many years you should remember even when she was quite a child she was the whom we know said i will you call me a name i want you to call me inquired without moving f what is it i asked with a smile it s a stupid name she said shaking her curls for a moment child wife i asked my child wife what her fancy was in desiring to be so called she answered without moving otherwise than as the arm i about her may have brought her blue eyes nearer to me i don t mean you silly fellow that you should use the name instead of i only mean that you should think of me that way when you are going to be angry with me say to yourself it s only my child wife i when i am very say i knew a long time ago that she would make but a child wife when you miss what i should like to be and i think can never be say still my foolish child wife loves me tor indeed i do i had not been serious with her having no idea until now that she was serious herself but her affectionate nature was so happy in what i now said to her with my whole heart that her face became a laughing one before her glittering eyes were dry she was soon my child wife indeed sitting down on the floor outside the chinese house ringing all the little bells one after another to punish for his recent bad behaviour while lay in the doorway with his head out even too lazy to be this appeal of s made a strong impression on me i look back on the time	8
i write of i the innocent figure that i dearly loved to come out from the mists and shadows of the past and turn its gentle head towards me once again and i can still declare that this one little speech was constantly in my memory i may not have used it to the best account i was young and inexperienced but i never turned a deaf ear to its pleading told me shortly afterwards that she was going to be a wonderful housekeeper accordingly she polished the pointed the pencil bought an immense account book carefully up with a needle and thread all the leaves of the book which had torn and made of david quite a desperate little attempt to be good as she called it but the figures had the old obstinate they would not add up when she had entered two or three laborious in the account book would walk over the page his tail and them all out her own little right hand middle finger got to the very bone in ink and i think that was the only decided result attained sometimes of an evening when i was at home and at work for i wrote a good deal now and was beginning in a small way to be known as a writer i would lay down my pen and watch my child wife trying to be good first of all she would bring out the immense account book and lay it down upon the table with a deep sigh then she would open it at the place where had made it last night and call up to look at his this would occasion a diversion in s favour and some of his nose perhaps as a penalty then she would tell to lie down on the table instantly like a lion which was one of his tricks though i cannot say the likeness was striking and if he were in an obedient humor he would obey then she would take up a pen and begin to write and find a hair in it then she would take up another pen and begin to write and find that it then she would take up another pen and begin to write and say in a low voice oh it s a talking pen and will disturb and then she would give it up as a bad job and put the account book away after pretending to crush the lion with it or if she were in a very and serious state of mind she would sit down with the and a little basket of bills and other documents which looked more like curl papers than anything else and endeavour to get some result out of them after severely comparing one with another and making on the and them out and counting all the fingers of her left hand over and over again backwards and forwards she would be so vexed and discouraged and would look so unhappy that it gave me pain to see her bright face clouded and for me and i would go softly to her and say what s the matter would look up hopelessly and reply they won t come right they make my head ache so and they won t do anything i want then i would say now let us try together let me show you then i would commence a practical demonstration to which would pay profound attention perhaps for five minutes when she would begin to be dreadfully tired and would the subject by curling my hair or trying the effect of my face with my shirt collar turned down if i checked this and persisted she would look so scared and as she became more and more bewildered that the remembrance of her natural gaiety when i first strayed into her path and of her being my child wife would come reproachfully upon me and i would lay the pencil down and call for the i had a great deal of work to do and had many anxieties but the same considerations made me keep them to myself i am far from sure now that it wa right to do this but i did it for my child wife s sake i search my breast and i commit its secrets if i know them the personal history and experience without any to this paper the old unhappy loss or want of something had i am conscious some place in my heart but not to the of my life when i walked alone in the fine weather and thought of the summer days when all the air had been filled with my boyish enchantment i did miss something of the of my dreams but i thought it was a softened glory of the past which nothing could have thrown upon the present time i did feel sometimes for a little while that i could have wished my wife had been my had had more character and purpose to sustain me and improve me by had been endowed with power to fill up the void which somewhere seemed to be about me but i felt as if this were an of my happiness that never had been meant to be and never could have been i was a boyish husband as to years i had known the softening influence of no other sorrows or experiences than those recorded in these leaves if i did any wrong as i may have done much i did it in mistaken love and in my want of wisdom i write the exact truth it would avail me nothing to it now thus it was that i took upon myself the toils and cares of our life and had no partner in them we lived much as before in reference to our household arrangements but i had got used to those and i was pleased to	8
see was seldom vexed now she was bright and cheerful in the old childish way loved me dearly and was happy with her old trifles when the were heavy i mean as to length not quality for in the last respect they were not often otherwise and i went home late would never rest when she heard my footsteps but would always come down stairs to meet me when my evenings were by the pursuit for which i had qualified myself with so much pains and i was engaged in writing at home she would sit quietly near me however late the hour and be so mute that i would often think she had dropped asleep but generally when i raised my head i saw her blue eyes looking at me with the quiet attention of i have already spoken oh what a weary boy said one night when i met her eyes as i was shutting up my desk what a weary girl said i that s more to the purpose you must go to bed another time my love it s far too late for you no don t send me to bed pleaded coming to my side pray don t do that to my amazement she was sobbing on my neck not well my dear not happy yes quite well and very happy said but say you let me stop and see you write why what a sight for such bright eyes at midnight i replied are they bright though returned laughing i m so glad they re bright little vanity said i but it was not vanity it was only harmless delight in my admiration i knew that very well before she told me so op david if you think them pretty say i may always stop and see you write said do you think them pretty very pretty then let me always stop and see you write i am afraid that won t improve their brightness yes it will because you clever boy you not forget me then while you are full of silent fancies will you mind it if i say something very very silly more than usual inquired peeping over my shoulder into my face what wonderful thing is that said i please let me hold the pens said i want to have something to do with all those many hours when you are so industrious may i hold the pens the remembrance of her pretty joy when i said yes brings tears into my eyes the next time i sat down to write and regularly afterwards she sat in her old place with a spare bundle of pens at her side her triumph in this with my work and her delight when i wanted a new pen which i very often feigned to do suggested to me a new way of pleasing my child wife i occasionally made a pretence of wanting a page or two of manuscript copied then was in her glory the preparations she made for this great work the she put on the she borrowed from the kitchen to keep off the ink the time she took the innumerable she made to have a laugh with as if he understood it all her conviction that her work was unless she signed her name at the end and the way in which she would bring it to me like a school copy and then when i praised it clasp me round the neck are touching recollections to me simple as they might appear to other men she took possession of the keys soon after this and went about the house with the whole bunch in a little basket tied to her slender waist i seldom found that the places to which they belonged were locked or that they were of any use except as a for but was pleased and that pleased me she was quite satisfied that a good deal was effected by this make belief of housekeeping and was as merry as if we had been keeping a baby house for a joke so we went on was hardly less affectionate to my aunt than to me and often told her of the time when she was afraid she was a cross old thing i never saw my aunt more to anyone she though never responded listened day after day to the though i am afraid she had no taste for music never attacked the though the temptation must have been severe went wonderful distances on foot to purchase as surprises any trifles that she found out wanted and never came in by the garden and missed her from the room but she would call out at the foot of the stairs in a voice that sounded cheerfully all over the house where s little blossom the personal history and experience chapter mr dick my s it was some time now since i had left the doctor living in his neighbourhood i saw him frequently and we all went to his house on two or three occasions to dinner or tea the old soldier was in permanent quarters under the doctor s roof she was exactly the same as ever and the same immortal hovered over her cap like some other mothers whom i have known in the course of my life mrs was far more fond of pleasure than her daughter was she required a great deal of amusement and like a deep old soldier pretended in consulting her own inclinations to be herself to her child the doctor s desire that should be entertained was therefore particularly acceptable to this excellent parent who expressed approval of his discretion i have no doubt indeed that she the doctor s wound without knowing it meaning nothing but a certain and selfishness not always inseparable from full blown years i think she confirmed him in his fear that he was a upon	8
his young wife and that there was no of feeling between them by so strongly his design of the load of her life my dear soul she said to him one day when i was present you know there is no doubt it would be a little for to be always shut up here the doctor nodded his benevolent head when she comes to her mother s age said mrs with a flourish of her fan then it be another thing you might put me into a jail with genteel society and a rubber and i should never care to come out but i am not you know and is not her mother surely surely said the doctor you are the best of creatures no i beg your pardon for the doctor made a gesture of i must say before your face as i always say behind your back you are the best of creatures but of course you don t now do you enter into the same pursuits and fancies as no said the doctor in a sorrowful tone no of course not retorted the old soldier take your dictionary for example what a useful work a dictionary is what a necessary work the of words without doctor johnson or somebody of that sort we might have been at this present moment calling an a but we can t expect a dictionary especially when it s making to interest can we the doctor shook his head and that s why i so much approve said mrs tapping him on the shoulder with her shut up fan of your it shows that you don t expect as many elderly people do expect old of david heads on young shoulders you have studied s character and jou understand it that what i find so charming even the calm and patient face of doctor strong expressed some little sense of pain i thought under the of these compliments therefore my dear doctor said the soldier giving him several affectionate you may command me at all times and seasons now do understand that i am entirely at your service i am ready to go with to all kinds of places and you shall never find that i am tired duty my dear doctor before every consideration in the universe she was as good as her word she was one of those people who can bear a great deal of pleasure and she never in her perseverance in the cause she seldom got hold of the newspaper which she settled herself down in the chair in the house to read through an every day for two hours but she found out something that she was certain would like to see it was in vain for to protest that she was weary of such things her mother s remonstrance always was now my dear i am sure you know better and i must tell you my love that you are not making a proper return for the kindness of doctor strong this was usually said in the doctor s presence and appeared to me to constitute s principal for withdrawing her objections when she made any but in general she resigned herself to her mother and went where the old soldier would it rarely happened now that mr accompanied them sometimes my aunt and were invited to do so and accepted the invitation sometimes only was asked the time had been when i should have been uneasy in her going but reflection on what had passed that former night in the doctor s study had made a change in my i believed that the doctor was right and had no worse suspicions my aunt rubbed her nose sometimes when she happened to be alone with me and said she couldn t make it out she wished they were happier she didn t think our military friend so she always called the old soldier mended the matter at all my aunt further expressed her opinion that if our military friend would cut off those and give em to the chimney for may day it would look like the beginning of something sensible on her part but her abiding reliance was on mr dick that man had evidently an idea in his head she said and if he could only once pen it up into a corner which was his great difficulty he would distinguish himself in some extraordinary manner unconscious of this mr dick continued to occupy precisely the same ground in reference to the doctor and to mrs strong he seemed neither to advance nor to he appeared to have settled into his original foundation like a building and i must confess that my faith in his ever moving was not much greater than if he had been a building but one night when i had been married some months mr dick put his head into the parlor where i was writing alone having gone out with my aunt to take tea with the two little birds and said with a significant cough the personal history and experience you couldn t speak to me without yourself i am afraid certainly mr dick said i come in said mr dick laying his finger on the side of his nose after he had shaken hands with me before i sit down i wish to make an observation you know your aunt a little i replied she is the most wonderful woman in the world sir after the delivery of this communication which he shot out of himself as if he were loaded with it mr dick sat down with greater gravity than usual and looked at me now boy said mr dick i am going to put a question to you as many as you please said i what do you consider me sir asked mr dick folding his arms a dear old friend said i thank you returned mr dick	8
that in the and unsettled state of his mind he had either forgotten his intention or abandoned it one fair evening when was not inclined to go out my aunt and i strolled up to the doctor s cottage it was autumn when there were no to vex the evening air and i remember how the leaves smelt like our garden at as we trod them under foot and how the old unhappy feeling seemed to go by on the sighing wind it was twilight when we reached the cottage mrs strong was just coming out of the garden where mr dick yet lingered busy with his knife helping the gardener to point some the doctor was engaged with some one in his study but the visitor would be gone directly mrs strong said and begged us to remain and see him we went into the drawing room with her and sat down by the darkening window there was never any ceremony about the visits of such old friends and neighbours as we were we had not sat here many minutes when mrs who usually contrived to be in a fuss about something came bustling in with her newspaper in her hand and said out of breath my goodness gracious why didn t you tell me there was some one in the study my dear she quietly returned how could i know that you desired the information desired the information said mrs sinking on the sofa i never had such a turn in all my life have you been to the study then asked been to the study my dear she returned emphatically indeed i have i came upon the amiable creature if you ll imagine my feelings miss and david in the act of making his will her daughter looked round from the window quickly in the act my dear repeated mrs spreading the newspaper on her lap like a table cloth and patting her hands upon it of making his last will and testament the foresight and affection of the dear i must tell you how it was i really must in justice to the darling for he is nothing less tell you how it was perhaps you know miss that there is never a candle lighted in this house until one s eyes are literally falling out of one s head with being stretched to read the paper and that there is not a chair in this house in which a paper can be what call read except one in the study this took me to the study where i saw a light i opened the door in company with the dear doctor were two professional people evidently connected with the law and they were all three standing at the table the darling doctor pen in hand this simply expresses then said the doctor my love attend to the very words c this simply expresses then gentlemen the confidence i have in mrs strong and gives her all one of the professional people replied and gives her all i oe david upon that with the natural feelings of a mother i said good god i beg your pardon fell over the door step and came away through the little back passage where the is mrs strong opened the window and went out into the where she stood leaning against a pillar but now isn t it miss isn t it david said mrs mechanically following her with her eyes to find a man at doctor strong s time of life with the strength of mind to do this kind of thing it only shows how right i was i said to when doctor strong paid a very flattering visit to myself and made her the subject of a declaration and an offer i said my dear there is no doubt whatever in my opinion with reference to a suitable provision for you that doctor strong will do more than he himself to do here the bell rang and we heard the sound of the visitors feet as they went out it s all over no doubt said the old soldier after listening the dear creature has signed sealed and delivered and his mind s at rest well it may be what a mind my love i am going to the study with my paper for i am a poor creature without news miss david pray come and see the doctor i was conscious of mr dick s standing in the shadow of the room shutting up his knife when we accompanied her to the study and of my aunt s rubbing her nose violently by the way as a mild vent for her of our military friend but who got first into the study or how mrs settled herself in a moment in her easy chair or how my aunt and i came to be left together near the door unless her eyes were quicker than mine and she held me back i have forgotten if i ever knew but this i know that we saw the doctor before he saw us sitting at his table among the volumes in which he delighted resting his head calmly on his hand that in the same moment we saw mrs strong glide in pale and trembling that mr dick supported her on his arm that he laid his other hand upon the doctor s arm causing him to look up with an abstracted air that as the doctor moved his head his wife dropped down on one knee at his feet and with her hands lifted fixed upon his face the memorable look i had never forgotten that at this sight mrs dropped the newspaper and stared more like a figure head intended for a ship to be called the astonishment than anything else i can think of the gentleness of the doctor s manner and surprise the dignity that mingled with	8
the attitude of his wife the amiable concern of mr dick and the earnestness with which my aunt said to herself that man mad triumphantly expressive of the misery from which she had saved him i see and hear rather than remember as i write about it doctor said mr dick what is it that s amiss look here cried the doctor not at my feet my dear yes she said i beg and pray that no one will leave the room oh my husband and father break this long silence let us both know what it is that has come between us mrs by this time recovering the power of speech and seeming to swell with family pride and indignation here h e the personal history and experience exclaimed get up immediately and don t disgrace everybody belonging to you by yourself like that unless you wish to see me go out of my mind on the spot returned waste no words on me for my appeal is to my husband and even you are nothing here nothing i exclaimed mrs me nothing the child has taken leave of her senses please to get me a glass of water i was too attentive to the doctor and his wife to give any heed to this request and it made no impression on anybody else so mrs panted stared and herself said the doctor tenderly taking her in his hands my dear if any change has come in the of time upon our married life you are not to blame the fault is mine and only mine there is no change in my affection admiration and respect i wish to make you happy i truly love and honor you rise pray but she did not rise after looking at him for a little while she sank down closer to him laid her arm across his knee and dropping her head upon it said if i have any friend here who can speak one word for me or for my husband in this matter if i have any friend here who can give a voice to any suspicion that my heart has sometimes whispered to me if i have any friend here who honors my husband or has ever cared for me and has anything within his knowledge no matter what it is that may help to between us i that friend to speak there was a profound silence after a few moments of painful hesitation i broke the silence mrs strong i said there is something within my knowledge which i have been earnestly entreated by doctor strong to conceal and have concealed until to night but i believe the time has come when it would be mistaken faith and delicacy to conceal it any longer and when your appeal me from his she turned her face towards me for a moment and i knew that i was right i could not have resisted its entreaty if the assurance that it gave me had been less convincing our future peace she said may be in your hands i trust it confidently to your not anything i know beforehand that nothing you or any one can tell me will show my husband s noble heart in any other light than one it may seem to you to touch me disregard that i will speak for myself before him and before god afterwards thus earnestly i made no reference to the doctor for his permission but without any other compromise of the truth than a little softening of the of related plainly what had passed in that same room that night the staring of mrs during the whole and the shrill sharp with which she occasionally interrupted it defy description when i had finished remained for some few moments silent with her head bent down as i have described then she took the doctor s hand he was sitting in the same attitude as when we had entered the room and pressed it to her breast and kissed it mr dick of david softly raised her and she stood when she began to speak leaning on him and looking down upon her husband from whom she never turned her eyes all that has ever been in my mind since i was married she said in a low tender voice i will lay bare before you i could not live and have one knowing what i know now nay said the doctor mildly i have never doubted you my child there is no need indeed there is no need my dear there is great need she answered in the same way that i should open my whole heart before the soul of generosity and truth whom year by year and day by day i have loved and more and more as heaven knows interrupted mrs if i have any discretion at which you haven t you observed my aunt in an indignant whisper i must be permitted to observe that it cannot be requisite to enter into these details no one but my husband can judge of that said without removing her eyes from his face and he will hear me if i say anything to give you pain forgive me i have borne pain first often and long myself upon my word gasped mrs when i was very young said quite a little child my first associations with knowledge of any kind were inseparable from a patient friend and teacher the friend of my dead father who was always dear to me i can remember nothing that i know without remembering him he stored my mind with its first treasures and stamped his character upon them all they never could have been i think as good as they have been to me if i had taken them from any other hands makes her mother nothing exclaimed mrs not so said but i make him what he was i	8
must do that as i grew up he occupied the same place still i was proud of his interest deeply fondly gratefully attached to him i looked up to him i can hardly describe how as a father as a guide as whose praise was different from all other praise as one in whom i could have trusted and confided if i had doubted all the world you know how young and inexperienced i was when you presented him before me of a sudden as a lover i have mentioned the fact fifty times at least to everybody here said mrs then hold your tongue for the lord s sake and don t mention it any more muttered my aunt it was so great a change so great a loss i felt it at first said still preserving the same look and tone that i was agitated and distressed i was but a girl and when so great a change came in the character in which i had so long looked up to him i think i was sorry but nothing could have made him what he used to be again and i was proud that he should think me so worthy and we were married at saint observed mrs h h the personal history and experience confound the woman said my aunt she won t be quiet i never thought proceeded with a heightened color of any worldly gain that my husband would bring to me my young heart had no room in its homage for any such poor reference forgive me when i say that it was you who first presented to my mind the thought that any one could wrong me and wrong him by such a cruel suspicion me cried mrs ah you to be sure observed my aunt and you can t fan it away my military friend it was the first of my new life said it was the first occasion of every unhappy moment i have known those moments have been more of late than i can count but not my generous husband not for the reason you suppose for in my heart there is not a thought a recollection or a hope that any power could separate from you she raised her eyes and clasped her hands and looked as beautiful and true i thought as any spirit the doctor looked on her henceforth as as she on him is she went on of having ever urged you for herself and she is in intention i am sure but when i saw how many claims that were no claims were pressed upon you in my name how you were on in my name how generous you were and how mr who had your welfare very much at heart resented it the first sense of my exposure to the mean suspicion that my tenderness was bought and sold to you of all men on earth fell upon me like disgrace in which i forced you to i cannot tell you what it was cannot imagine what it was to have this dread and trouble always on my mind know in my own soul that on my marriage day i crowned the love and honor of my life a specimen of the thanks one gets cried mrs in tears for taking care of one s family i wish i was a i wish you were with all my heart and in your native country said my aunt it was at that time that was most about my cousin i had liked him she spoke softly but without any hesitation very much we had been little lovers once if circumstances had not happened otherwise i might have come to persuade myself that i really loved him and might have married him and been most wretched there can like of mind and purpose i pondered on those words even while i was attending to what followed as if they had some particular interest or some strange application that i could not divine there can be no in marriage like of mind and purpose no in marriage like of mind and purpose there is nothing said that we have in common i have long found that there is nothing if i were thankful to my husband for no more instead of for so much i should be thankful to him for having saved me from the first mistaken impulse of my heart she stood quite still before the doctor and spoke with an earnestness that thrilled me yet her voice was just as quiet as before op david when he was waiting to be the object of your so freely bestowed for my sake and when i was unhappy in the shape i was made to wear i thought it would have become him better to have worked his own way on i thought that if i had been he i would have tried to do it at the cost of almost any hardship but i thought no worse of him until the night of his departure for india that night i knew he had a false and heart i saw a double meaning then in mr s scrutiny of me i perceived for the first time the dark suspicion that my life suspicion said the doctor no no no in your mind there was none i know my husband she returned and when i came to you that night to lay down all my load of shame and grief and knew that i had to tell that underneath your roof one of my own kindred to whom you had been a benefactor for the love of me had spoken to me words that should have found no utterance even if i had been the weak and wretch he thought me my mind from the taint the very tale conveyed it died upon my lips	8
again and returned followed by the respectable mr who with respectability made me a bow and took up his position behind her the air of wicked grace of triumph in op david which strange to say there was yet something feminine and with which she upon the seat between us and looked at me was worthy of a cruel princess in a legend now said she without glancing at him and touching the old wound as it perhaps in this instance with pleasure rather than pain tell mr about the night mr james and myself ma am don t address yourself to me she interrupted with a frown mr james and myself sir nor to me if you please said i mr without being at all signified by a slight that anything that was most agreeable to us was most agreeable to him and began again mr james and myself have been abroad with the young woman ever since she left under mr james s protection we have been in a variety of places and seen a deal of foreign country we have been in italy in fact almost all parts he looked at the back of the seat as if he were addressing himself to that and softly played upon it with his hands as if he were striking upon a dumb piano mr james took quite uncommonly to the young woman and was more settled for a length of time than i have known him to be since i have been in his service the young woman was very and spoke the languages and wouldn t have been known for the same i noticed that she was much admired wherever we went miss put her hand upon her side i saw him steal a glance at her and slightly smile to himself very much admired indeed the young woman was what with her dress what with the air and sun what with being made so much of what with this that and the other her merits really attracted general notice he made a short pause her eyes wandered over the distant prospect and she bit her lip to stop that busy mouth taking his hands from the seat and placing one of them within the other as he settled himself on one leg mr proceeded with his eyes cast down and his respectable head a little advanced and a little on one side the young woman went on in this manner for some time being occasionally low in her spirits until i think she began to weary mr james by giving way to her low spirits and of that kind and things were not so comfortable mr james he began to be restless again the more restless he got the worse she got and i must say for myself that i had a very difficult time of it indeed between the two still matters were patched up here and made good there over and over again and altogether lasted i am sure for a longer time than anybody could have expected her eyes from the distance she looked at me again now with her former air mr clearing his throat behind his hand with a respectable short cough changed legs and went on at last when there had been upon the whole a good many words the personal history and experience and reproaches mr james lie set off one morning from the neighbourhood of where we had a villa the young woman being very partial to the sea and under pretence of coming back in a day or so left it in charge with me to break it out that for the general happiness of all concerned he was here an interruption of the short cough gone but mr james i must say certainly did behave extremely honorable for he proposed that the young woman should marry a very respectable person who was fully prepared to overlook the past and who was at least as good as anybody the young woman could have to in a regular way her being very common he changed legs again and his lips i was convinced that the scoundrel spoke of himself and i saw my conviction reflected in miss s face this i also had it in charge to communicate i was willing to do anything to relieve mr james from his difficulty and to restore harmony between himself and an affectionate parent who has undergone so much on his account therefore i undertook the commission the young woman s violence when she came to after i broke the fact of his departure was beyond all expectations she was quite mad and had to be held by force or if she couldn t have got to a knife or got to the sea she d have beaten her head against the marble floor miss leaning back upon the seat with a light of exultation in her face seemed almost to caress the sounds this fellow had uttered but when i came to the second part of what had been to me said mr rubbing his hands uneasily which anybody might have supposed would have been at all events appreciated as a kind intention then the young woman came out in her true colors a more outrageous person i never did see her conduct was bad she had no more gratitude no more feeling no more patience no more reason in her than a stock or a stone if i hadn t been upon my guard i am convinced she would have had my blood i think the better of her for it said i indignantly mr bent ins head as much as to say indeed sir but you re young and resumed his narrative it necessary in short for a time to take away everything nigh her that she could do herself or anybody else an injury with and to shut her up close notwithstanding which she got out	8
but it what i wish to say this devil whom you make an angel of i mean this low girl whom he picked out of the tide mud with her black eyes full upon me and her passionate finger up may be alive for i believe some common things are hard to die if she is you will desire to have a pearl of such price found and taken care of we desire that too that he may not by any chance be made her prey again so far we are united in one interest and that is why i who would do her any mischief that so coarse a wretch is capable of feeling have sent for you to hear what you have heard i saw by the change in her face that some one was advancing behind me it was mrs who gave me her hand more coldly than of and with an of her former of manner but still i perceived and i was touched by it with an remembrance of my old love for her son she was greatly altered her fine figure was far less upright her handsome face was deeply marked and her hair was almost white but when she sat down on the seat she was a handsome lady still and well i knew the bright eye with its lofty look that had been a light in my very dreams at school is mr informed of everything yes and has he heard himself yes i have told him why you wished it of david m you are a good girl i have had some slight correspondence with your former friend sir addressing me but it has not restored his sense of duty or natural obligation therefore i have no other object in this than what has mentioned if by the course which may relieve the mind of the decent man you brought here for whom i am sorry i can say no more my son may be saved from again falling into the of a enemy well she drew herself up and sat looking straight before her far away madam i said respectfully i understand i assure you i am in no danger of putting any strained construction on your motives but i must say even to you having known this injured family from childhood that if you suppose the girl so deeply wronged has not been cruelly and would not rather die a hundred deaths than take a cup of water from your son s hand now you cherish a terrible mistake well well said mrs as the other was about to it is no matter let it be you are married sir i am told i answered that i had been some time married and are doing well i hear little in the quiet life i lead but i understand you are beginning to be famous i have been very fortunate i said and find my name connected with some praise you have no mother in a softened voice no it is a pity she returned she would have been proud of you good night i took the hand she held out with a dignified air and it was as calm in mine as if her breast had been at peace her pride could still its very it appeared and draw the placid veil before her face through which she sat looking straight before her on the far distance as i moved away from them along the terrace i could not help observing how steadily they both sat gazing on the prospect and how it and closed around them here and there some early lamps were seen to twinkle in the distant city and in the eastern quarter of the sky the lurid light still hovered but from the greater part of the broad valley interposed a mist was rising like a sea which mingling with the darkness made it seem as if the gathering waters would them i have reason to remember this and think of it with awe for before i looked upon those two again a stormy sea had risen to their feet on what had been thus told me i felt it right that it should be communicated to mr on the following evening i went into london in quest of him he was always wandering about from place to place with his one object of recovering his niece before him but was more in london than elsewhere often and often now had i seen him in the dead of night passing along the streets searching among the few who out of doors at those hours for what he dreaded to find he kept a lodging over the little s shop in hun market which i have had occasion to mention more than once and from which he first went forth upon his errand of mercy hither i directed my walk the personal history and experience on making inquiry for him i learned from the people of the house that he had not gone out yet and i should find him in his room up stairs he was sitting reading by a window in which he kept a few plants the room was very neat and orderly i saw in a moment that it was always kept prepared for her reception and that he never went out but he thought it possible he might bring her home he had not heard my tap at the door and only raised his eyes when i laid my hand upon his shoulder r sir hearty for this visit sit ye down you re kindly welcome sir mr said i taking the chair he handed me don t expect much i have heard some news of em ly he put his hand in a nervous manner on his mouth and turned pale as he fixed his eyes on mine it gives no clue to where she	8
is but she is not with him he sat down looking intently at me and listened in profound silence to all i had to tell i well remember the sense of dignity beauty even with which the patient gravity of his face impressed me when having gradually removed his eyes from mine he sat looking downward leaning his forehead on his hand he offered no interruption but remained throughout perfectly still he seemed to pursue her figure through the narrative and to let every other shape go by him as if it were nothing when i had done he shaded his face and continued silent i looked out of the window for a little while and occupied myself with the plants how do you fare to feel about it r he inquired at length i think that she is living i replied i t know maybe the first shock was too rough and in the of her art that there blue water as she used to speak on could she have o that so many year because it was to be her grave he said this musing in a low frightened voice and walked across the little room and yet he added r i have felt so sure as she was living i have know d awake and sleeping as it was so that i should find her i have been so led on by it and held up by it that i t believe i can have been deceived no em ly s alive he put his hand down firmly on the table and set his face into a resolute expression my niece em ly is alive sir he said i t know it comes from or how tis but am told as she s alive he looked almost like a man inspired as he said it i waited for a few moments until he could give me his attention and then proceeded to explain the precaution that it had occurred to me last night it would be wise to take now my dear friend i began kind sir he said grasping my hand in both of his of david if she should make her way to london which is likely for where could she lose herself so readily as in this vast city and what would she wish to do but lose and hide herself if she does not go home and she won t go home he interposed shaking his head mournfully if she had left of her own accord she might not as twas sir if she should come here said i i believe there is one person here more likely to discover her than any other in the world do you remember hear what i say with fortitude think of your great object do you remember of our town i needed no other answer than his face do you know that she is in london i have seen her in the streets he answered with a shiver but you don t know said i that was charitable to her with ham s help long before she fled from home nor that when we met one night and spoke together in the room yonder over the way she listened at the door r he replied in astonishment that night when it so hard that night i have never seen her since i went back after parting from you to speak to her but she was gone i was unwilling to mention her to you then and i am now but she is the person of whom i speak and with whom i think we should communicate do you understand too well sir he replied we had sunk our voices almost to a whisper and continued to speak in that tone you say you have seen her do you think that you could find her i could only hope to do so by chance i think r i know to look it is dark being together shall we go out now and try to find her tonight he assented and prepared to accompany me without appearing to observe what he was doing i saw how carefully he adjusted the little room put a candle ready and the means of lighting it arranged the bed and finally took out of a drawer one of her dresses i remembered to have seen her wear it neatly folded with some other garments and a bonnet which he placed upon a chair he made no allusion to these clothes neither did i there they had been waiting for her many and many a night no doubt the time was r he said as we came down stairs when i this girl a most like the dirt underneath my em ly s feet god forgive me there s a difference now as we went along partly to hold him in conversation and partly to satisfy myself i asked him about ham he said almost in the same words as formerly that ham was just the same wearing away his life with no care for t but never murmuring and liked by all asked him what he thought ham s state of mind was in reference to the cause of their misfortunes whether he believed it was dangerous the personal history and experience what lie supposed for example ham would do if he and ever should encounter i t know sir he replied i have of it but i can t myself of it no matters i recalled to his remembrance the morning after her departure when we were all three on the beach do you recollect said i a certain wild way in which he looked out to sea and spoke about the end of it sure i do said he what do you suppose he meant r he replied i ve put the question to myself o times and never found	8
a part of the refuse it had cast out and left to corruption and decay the girl we had followed strayed down to the river s brink and stood in the midst of this night picture lonely and still looking at the water there were some boats and in the mud and these enabled us to come within a few yards of her without being seen i then signed to mr to remain where he was and emerged from their shade to speak to her i did not approach her solitary figure without trembling for this gloomy end to her determined walk and the way in which she stood almost within the shadow of the iron bridge looking at the lights reflected in the strong tide inspired a dread within me i think she was talking to herself i am sure although absorbed in gazing at the water that her shawl was off her shoulders and that she was her hands in it in an unsettled and bewildered way more like the action of a sleep than a waking person i know and never can forget that there was that in her wild manner which gave me no assurance but that she would sink before my eyes until i had her arm within my grasp at the same moment i said she uttered a terrified scream and struggled with me with such strength that i doubt if i could have held her alone but a stronger hand than mine was laid upon her and when she raised her frightened eyes and saw whose it was she made but one more effort and dropped down between us we carried her away from the water to where there were some dry stones and there laid her down crying and moaning in a little while she sat among the stones holding her wretched head with both her hands oh the river she cried passionately oh the river hush hush said i calm yourself but she still repeated the same words continually exclaiming oh the river over and over again i know it s like me she exclaimed i know that i belong to it i know that it s the natural company of such as i am it comes from country places where there was once no harm in it and it through the dismal streets denied and miserable and it goes away like my life to a great sea that is always troubled and i feel that i must go with it i have never known what despair was except in the tone of those words i can t keep away from it i can t forget it it haunts me day and night it s the only thing in all the world that i am fit for or that s fit for me oh the dreadful river the thought passed through my mind that in the face of my companion as he looked upon her without speech or motion i might have read his niece s history if i had known nothing of it i never saw in of david any painting or reality horror and compassion so blended he shook as if he would have fallen and his hand i touched it with my own for his appearance alarmed me was deadly cold she is in a state of frenzy i whispered to him she will speak differently in a little time i don t know what he would have said in answer he made some motion with his mouth and seemed to think he had spoken but he had only pointed to her with his outstretched hand a new burst of crying came upon her now in which she once more hid her face among the stones and lay before us a prostrate image of humiliation and ruin knowing that this state must pass before we could speak to her with any hope i ventured to restrain him when he would have raised her and we stood by in silence until she became more tranquil said i then leaning down and helping her to rise she seemed to want to rise as if with the intention of going away but she was weak and leaned against a boat do you know who this is who is with me she said faintly yes do you know that we have followed you a long way to night she shook her head she looked neither at him nor at me but stood in a attitude holding her bonnet and shawl in one hand without appearing conscious of them and pressing the other clenched against her forehead are you composed enough said i to speak on the subject which so interested you i hope heaven may remember it that snowy night her sobs broke out afresh and she murmured some inarticulate thanks to me for not having driven her away from the door i want to say nothing for myself she said after a few moments i am bad i am lost i have no hope at all but tell him sir she had shrunk away from him if you don t feel too hard to me to do it that i never was in any way the cause of his misfortune it has never been attributed to you i returned earnestly to her earnestness it was you if i don t deceive myself she said in a broken voice that came into the kitchen the night she took such pity on me was so gentle to me didn t shrink away from me like all the rest and gave me such kind help was it you sir it was said i i should have been in the river long ago she said glancing at it with a terrible expression if any wrong to her had been upon my mind i never could have kept out of it a single winter s night if i	8
had not been free of any share in that the cause of her flight is too well understood i said you are innocent of any part in it we thoroughly believe we know oh i might have been much the better for her if i had had a better heart exclaimed the girl with most forlorn regret for she was always good to me she never spoke a word to me but what was pleasant and right is it likely i would try to make her what i am myself knowing ii the personal history and experience what i am myself so well when i lost everything that makes life dear the worst of all my thoughts was that i was parted for ever from her mr standing with one hand on the of the boat and his eyes cast down put his disengaged hand before his face and when i heard what had happened before that snowy night from some belonging to our town cried the bitterest thought in all my mind was that the people would remember she once kept company with me and would say i had her when heaven knows i would have died to have brought back her good name long unused to any self control the piercing agony of her remorse and grief was terrible to have died would not have been much what can i say i would have lived she cried i would have lived to be old in the wretched streets and to wander about avoided in the dark and to see the day break on the ghastly lines of houses and remember how the same sun used to shine into my room and wake me once i would have done even that to save her sinking on the stones she took some in each hand and clenched them up as if she would have ground them she into some new posture constantly her arms twisting them before her face as though to shut out from her eyes the little light there was and drooping her head as if it were heavy with recollections what shall i ever do she said fighting thus with her despair how can i go on as i am a solitary curse to myself a living disgrace to every one i come near suddenly she turned to my companion stamp upon me kill me when she was your pride you would have thought i had done her harm if i had brushed against her in the street you can t believe why should you a syllable that comes out of my lips it would be a burning shame upon you even now if she and i exchanged a word i don t complain i don t say she and i are alike i know there is a long long way between us i only say with all my guilt and wretchedness upon my head that i am grateful to her from my soul and love her oh don t think that all the power i had of loving anything is quite worn out throw me away as all the world does kill me for being what i am and having ever known her but don t think that of me he looked upon her while she made this in a wild distracted manner and when she was silent gently raised her said mr god forbid as i should judge you forbid as i of all men should do that my girl you t know half the change that s come in course of time upon me when you think it likely well he paused a moment then went on you t understand how tis that this here gentleman and me has wished to speak to you you t understand what tis we has afore us listen now his influence upon her was complete she stood before him as if she were afraid to meet his eyes but her passionate sorrow was quite hushed and mute if you said mr of what passed between of david r and me night when it so hard you know as i have been not fur to seek my dear niece my dear niece he repeated steadily she s more dear to me now than ever she was dear afore she put her hands before her face but otherwise remained quiet i have her tell said mr as you was early left and with no friend fur to take in a rough their place maybe you can guess that if you d had such a friend you d have got into a way of being fond of him in course of time and that my niece was daughter like to me as she was silently trembling he put her shawl carefully about her taking it up from the ground for that purpose whereby said he i know both as she would go to the s end with me if she could once see me again and that she would fly to the s end to keep off seeing me for though she ain t no call to doubt my love and t and t he repeated with a quiet assurance of the truth of what he said there s shame steps in and keeps us i read in every word of his plain impressive way of delivering himself new evidence of his having thought of this one topic in every feature it presented according to our reckoning he proceeded r s here and mine she is like one day to make her own poor solitary course to london we believe r me and all of us that you are as innocent of everything that has her as the child you ve spoke of her being pleasant kind and gentle to you bless her i knew she was i knew she always was to all you re	8
thankful to her and you love her help us all you can to find her and may heaven reward she looked at him hastily and for the first time as if she were doubtful of what he had said will you trust me she asked in a low voice of astonishment pull and free said mr to speak to her if i should ever find her shelter her if i have any shelter to divide with her and then without her knowledge come to you and bring you to her she asked hurriedly we both replied together yes she lifted up her eyes and solemnly declared that she would devote herself to this task fervently and faithfully that she would never in it never be diverted from it never it while there was any chance of hope if she were not true to it might the object she now had in life which bound her to something devoid of evil in its passing away from her leave her more forlorn and more despairing if that were possible than she had been upon the river s brink that night and then might all help human and divine her she did not raise her voice above her breath or address us but said this to the night sky then stood profoundly quiet looking at the gloomy water we judged it expedient now to tell her all we knew which i at length she listened with great attention and with a face the personal history and experience that often changed but had the same purpose in all its varying expressions her eyes occasionally filled with tears but those she repressed it seemed as if her spirit were quite altered and she could not be too quiet she asked when all was told where we were to be communicated with if occasion should arise under a dull lamp in the road i wrote our two addresses on a leaf of my pocket book which i tore out and gave to her and which she put in her poor bosom i asked her where she lived herself she said after a pause in no place long it were better not to know mr suggesting to me in a whisper what had already occurred to myself i took out my purse but i could not prevail upon her to accept any money nor could i exact any promise from her that she would do so at another time i represented to her that mr could not be called for one in his condition poor and that the idea of her engaging in this search while depending on her own resources shocked us both she continued steadfast in this particular his influence upon her was equally powerless with mine she gratefully thanked him but remained inexorable there may be work to be got she said i try at least take some assistance i returned until you have tried i could not do what i have promised for money she replied i could not take it if i was starving to give me money would be to take away your trust to take away the object that you have given me to take away the only certain thing that me from the river in the name of the great judge said i before whom you and all of us must stand at his dread time dismiss that terrible idea we can all do some good if we will she trembled and her lip shook and her face was paler as she answered it has been put in your hearts perhaps to save a wretched creature for repentance i am afraid to think so it seems too bold if any good should come of me i might begin to hope for nothing but harm has ever come of my deeds yet i am to be trusted for the first time in a long while with my miserable life on account of what you have given me to try for i know no more and i can say no more again she repressed the tears that had begun to flow and putting out her trembling hand and touching mr as if there were some healing virtue in him went away along the desolate road she had been ill probably for a long time i observed upon that closer opportunity of observation that she was worn and haggard and that her sunken eyes expressed and endurance we followed her at a short distance our way lying in the same direction until we came back into the lighted and streets i had such confidence in her declaration that i then put it to mr whether it would not seem in the like her to follow her any further he being of the same mind and equally on her we suffered her to take her own road and took ours which was towards he accompanied me a good part of the way and when w r e parted with a prayer for the success of this fresh effort there was a new and thoughtful compassion in him that i was at no loss to interpret it was midnight when i arrived at home i had reached my own gate and was standing listening for the deep bell of saint paul s the sound of of david i thought had been borne towards me among the multitude of striking when i was rather surprised to see that the door of my aunt s cottage was open and that a faint light in the entry was shining out across the road thinking that my aunt might have into one of her old and might be watching the progress of some imaginary in the distance i went to speak to her it was with very great surprise that i saw a man standing in her little garden he had a glass and bottle in his hand and was in the act of drinking i stopped short	8
among the thick foliage outside for the moon was up now though obscured and i recognised the man whom i had once supposed to be a delusion of mr dick s and had once encountered with my aunt in the streets of the city he was eating as well as drinking and seemed to eat with a hungry appetite he seemed curious regarding the cottage too as if it were the first time he had seen it after stooping to put the bottle on the ground he looked up at the windows and looked about though with a covert and impatient air as if he was anxious to be gone the light in the passage was obscured for a moment and my aunt came out she was agitated and told some money into his hand i heard it what s the use of this he demanded i can spare no more returned my aunt then i can t go said he here you may take it back you bad man returned my aunt with great emotion how can you use me so but why do i ask it is because you know how weak i am what have i to do to free myself for ever of your visits but to abandon you to your deserts and why don t you abandon me to my deserts said he you ask me why returned my aunt what a heart you must have he stood rattling the money and shaking his head until at length he said is this all you mean to give me then it is all i can give you said my aunt you know i have had losses and am poorer than i used to be i have told you so having got it why do you give me the pain of looking at you for another moment and seeing what you have become i have become shabby enough if you mean that he said i lead the life of an owl you stripped me of the greater part of all i ever had said my aunt you closed my heart against the whole world years and years you treated me and cruelly go and repent of it don t add new injuries to the long long list of injuries you have done me aye he returned it s all very fine well i must do the best i can for the present i suppose in spite of himself he appeared abashed by my aunt s indignant tears and came out of the garden taking two or three quick steps as if i had just come up i met him at the gate and went in as he came out we eyed one another narrowly in passing and with no favour the personal history and experience aunt said i hurriedly this man alarming you again let me speak to him who is he child returned my aunt taking my arm come in and don t speak to me for ten minutes we sat down in her little parlor my aunt retired behind the round green fan of former days which was on the back of a chair and occasionally wiped her eyes for about a quarter of an hour then she came out and took a seat beside me trot said my aunt calmly it s my husband your husband aunt i thought he had been dead dead to me returned my aunt but living i sat in silent amazement don t look a likely subject for the tender passion said my aunt but the time was trot when she believed in that man most entirely when she loved him trot right well when there was no proof of attachment and affection that she would not have given him he repaid her by breaking her fortune and nearly breaking her heart so she put all that sort of sentiment once and for ever in a grave and filled it up and it down my dear good aunt i left him my aunt proceeded laying her hand as usual on the back of mine generously i may say at this distance of time trot that i left him generously he had been so cruel to me that i might have effected a separation on easy terms for myself but i did not he soon made ducks and of what i gave him sank lower and lower married another woman i believe became an adventurer a and a cheat what he is now you see but he was a fine looking man when i married him said my aunt with an echo of her old pride and admiration in her tone and i believed him i was a fool to be the soul of honor she gave my hand a squeeze and shook her head he is nothing to me now trot less than nothing but sooner than have him punished for his as he would be if he about in this country i give him more money than i can afford at intervals when he to go away i was a fool when i married him and i am so far an fool on that subject that for the sake of what i once believed him to be i wouldn t have even this shadow of my idle fancy hardly dealt with for i was in earnest trot if ever a woman was my aunt dismissed the matter with a heavy sigh and smoothed her dress there my dear she said now you know the beginning middle and end and all about it we won t mention the subject to one another any more neither of course will you mention it to anybody else this is my story and we ll keep it to ourselves trot of david chapter domestic i labored hard at my book without allowing it to interfere with the punctual discharge of my newspaper duties and it came out and	8
was very successful i was not stunned by the praise which sounded in my ears notwithstanding that i was keenly alive to it and thought better of my own performance i have little doubt than anybody else did it has always been in my observation of human nature that a man who has any good reason to believe in himself never himself before the faces of other people in order that they may believe in him this reason i retained my modesty in very self respect and the more praise i got the more i tried to deserve it is not my purpose in this record though in all other it is my written memory to pursue the history of my own they express themselves and i leave them to themselves when i refer to them incidentally it is only as a part of my progress having some foundation for believing by this time that nature and accident had made me an author i pursued my with confidence without such assurance i should certainly have left it alone and bestowed my energy on some other endeavour i should have tried to find out what nature and accident really had made me and to be that and nothing else i had been writing in the newspaper and elsewhere so that when my new success was achieved i considered myself reasonably entitled to escape from the dreary one joyful night therefore i noted down the music of the for the last time and i have never heard it since though i still recognise the old in the newspapers without any substantial except perhaps that there is more of it all the i now write of the time when i had been married i suppose about a year and a half after several varieties of experiment we had given up the housekeeping as a bad job the house kept itself and we kept a page the principal function of this was to quarrel with the cook in which respect he was a perfect without his cat or the remotest chance of being made lord mayor he appears to me to have lived in a hail of his whole existence was a he would shriek for help on the most improper occasions as when we had a little dinner party or a few friends in the evening and would come tumbling out of the kitchen with iron flying after him we wanted to get rid of him but he was very much attached to us and wouldn t go he was a tearful boy and broke into such deplorable when a of our was hinted at that we were obliged to keep him he had no mother no anything in the way of a relative that i could discover except a sister who fled to america the moment we had taken him off her hands and he the personal history and experience became on us like a horrible young he had a lively perception of his own unfortunate state and was always rubbing his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket or stooping to blow his nose on the extreme corner of a little pocket handkerchief which he never would take completely out of his pocket but always and this unlucky page engaged in an evil hour at six pounds ten per was a source of continual trouble to me i watched him as he grew and he grew like scarlet beans with painful apprehensions of the time when he would begin to even of the days when he would be bald or grey i saw no prospect of ever getting rid of him and projecting myself into the future used to think what an inconvenience he would be when he was an old man i never expected anything less than this unfortunate s manner of getting me out of my difficulty he stole s watch which like everything else belonging to us had no particular place of its own and it into money spent the produce he was always a weak minded boy in incessantly riding up and down between london and outside the coach he was taken to bow street as well as i remember on the completion of his journey when four and sixpence and a second hand which he couldn t play were found upon his person the surprise and its consequences would have been much less disagreeable to me if he had not been penitent but he was very penitent indeed and in a peculiar way not in the lump but by for example the day after that on which i was obliged to appear against him he made certain revelations touching a in the cellar which we believed to be full of wine but which had nothing in it except bottles and we supposed he had now his mind and told the worst he knew of the cook but a day or two afterwards his conscience sustained a new and he disclosed how she had a little girl who early every morning took away our bread and also how he himself had been to maintain the in coals in two or three days more i was informed by the authorities of his having led to the discovery of of beef among the kitchen stuff and sheets in the rag bag a little while afterwards he broke out in an entirely new direction and confessed to a knowledge of intentions as to our premises on the part of the pot boy who was immediately taken up i got to be so ashamed of being such a victim that i would have given him any money to hold his tongue or would have offered a round bribe for his being permitted to run away it was an circumstance in the case that he had no idea of this but conceived that he was making me amends in every new discovery not to say obligations	8
on my head at last i ran away myself whenever i saw an of the police approaching with some new intelligence and lived a stealthy life until he was tried and ordered to be transported even then he couldn t be quiet but was always writing us letters and wanted so much to see before he went away that went to visit him and fainted when she found herself inside the iron bars in short i had no peace of my life until he was and made as i afterwards heard a shepherd of up the country somewhere i have no idea where all this led me into some serious reflections and presented our mistakes of david in a new aspect as i could not help communicating to one evening in spite of my tenderness for her my love said i it is very painful to me to think that our want of system and management not only ourselves which we have got used to but other people you have been silent for a long time and now you are going to be cross said no my dear indeed let me explain to you what i mean i think i don t want to know said but i want you to know my love put down put his nose to mine and said to drive my seriousness away but not succeeding ordered him into his and sat looking at me with her hands folded and a most resigned little expression of countenance the fact is my dear i began there is in us we about us i might have gone on in this manner if s face had not me that she was wondering with all her might whether i was going to propose any new kind of or other medical remedy for this state of ours therefore i checked myself and made my meaning it is not merely my pet said i that we lose money and comfort and even temper sometimes by not learning to be more careful but that we the serious responsibility of who comes into our service or has any dealings with us i begin to be afraid that the fault is not entirely on one side but that these people all turn out ill because we don t turn out very well ourselves oh what an accusation exclaimed opening her eyes wide to say that you ever saw me take gold watches i oh my dearest i remonstrated don t talk preposterous nonsense who has made the least allusion to gold watches you did returned you know you did you said i hadn t turned out well and compared me to him to whom i asked to the page sobbed oh you cruel fellow to compare your affectionate wife to a transported page why didn t you tell me your opinion of me before we were married why didn t you say you thing that you were convinced i was worse than a transported page oh what a dreadful opinion to have of me oh my goodness now my love i returned gently trying to remove the handkerchief she pressed to her eyes this is not only very ridiculous of you but very wrong in the first place it s not true you always said he was a story sobbed and now you say the same of me oh what shall i do what shall i do my darling girl i retorted i really must entreat you to be reasonable and listen to what i did say and do say my dear unless we learn to do our duty to those whom we employ they will never learn to do their duty to us i am afraid we present opportunities to people to do wrong that never ought to be presented even if we were as as we are in all our arrangements by choice which we are not even if we liked it the personal history and experience and found it agreeable to be so which we don t i am persuaded we should have no right to go on in this way we are positively people we are bound to think of that i can t help thinking of it it is a reflection i am unable to dismiss and it sometimes makes me very uneasy there dear that s all come now don t be foolish would not allow me for a long time to remove the handkerchief she sat sobbing and murmuring behind it that if i was uneasy why had i ever been married why hadn t i said even the day before we went to church that i knew i should be uneasy and i would rather not if i couldn t bear her why didn t i send her away to her at or to mills in india would be glad to see her and would not call her a transported page never had called her anything of the sort in short was so afflicted and so afflicted me by being in that condition that i felt it was of no use repeating this kind of effort though never so mildly and i must take some other course what other course was left to take to form her mind this was a common phrase of words which had a fair and promising sound and i resolved to form s mind i began immediately when was very childish and i would have infinitely preferred to humour her i tried to be grave and disconcerted her and myself too i talked to her on the subjects which occupied my thoughts and i read shakespeare to her and fatigued her to the last degree i accustomed myself to giving her as it were quite casually little scraps of useful information or sound opinion and she started from them when i let them off as if they had been no matter how incidentally or	8
naturally i endeavoured to form my little wife s mind i could not help seeing that she always had an instinctive perception of what i was about and became a prey to the keenest apprehensions in particular it was clear to me that she thought shakespeare a terrible fellow the formation went on very slowly i pressed into the service without his knowledge and whenever he came to see us exploded my mines upon him for the of at second hand the amount of practical wisdom i bestowed upon in this manner was immense and of the best quality but it had no other effect upon than to her spirits and make her always nervous with the dread that it would be her turn next i found myself in the condition of a a trap a of always playing spider to s fly and always out of my hole to her infinite disturbance still looking forward through this stage to the time when there should be a perfect sympathy between and me and when i should have formed her mind to my entire satisfaction i even for months finding at last however that although i had been all this time a very or all over with determination i had effected nothing it began to occur to me that perhaps s mind was already formed on farther consideration this appeared so likely that i abandoned my scheme which had had a more promising appearance in words than in action henceforth to be satisfied with my child wife and to try to change her into nothing else by any process i was heartily tired of david of being sagacious and prudent by myself and of seeing my darling under restraint so i bought a pretty pair of ear rings for her and a collar for and went home one day to make myself agreeable was delighted with the little presents and kissed me joyfully but there was a shadow between us however slight and i had made up my mind that it should not be there if there must be such a shadow anywhere i would keep it for the future in my own breast i sat down by my wife on the sofa and put the ear rings in her ears and then i told her that i feared we had not been quite as good company lately as we used to be and that the fault was mine which i sincerely felt and which indeed it was the truth is my life i said i have been trying to be wise and to make me wise too said timidly haven t you i nodded assent to the pretty inquiry of the raised eyebrows and kissed the parted lips it s of not a bit of use said shaking her head until the rang again you know what a little thing i am and what i wanted you to call me from the first if you can t do so i am afraid you never like me are you sure you don t think sometimes it would have been better to have done what my dear for she made no effort to proceed nothing said nothing i repeated she put her arms round my neck and laughed and called herself by her favorite name of a goose and hid her face on my shoulder in such a profusion of curls that it was quite a task to clear them away and see it don t i think it would have been better to have done nothing than to have tried to form my little wife s mind said i laughing at myself is that the question yes indeed i do is that what you have been trying cried oh what a shocking boy but i shall never try any more said i for i love her clearly as she is without a story really inquired creeping closer to me why should i seek to change said i what has been so precious to me for so long you never can show better than as your own natural self my sweet and we try no conceited experiments but go back to our old way and be happy and be happy returned yes all day and you won t mind things going a tiny morsel wrong sometimes no no said i we must do the best we can and you won t tell me any more that we make other people bad will you because you know it s so dreadfully cross no no said i it s better for me to be stupid than uncomfortable isn t it said better to be naturally than anything else in the world in the world ah it s a large place she shook her head turned her delighted bright eyes up to mine kissed the personal history and experience me broke into a merry laugh and sprang away to put on s new collar so ended my last attempt to make any change in i had been unhappy in trying it i could not endure my own solitary wisdom i could not reconcile it with her former appeal to me as my child wife i resolved to do what i could in a quiet way to improve our proceedings myself but i foresaw that my utmost would be very little or i must into the spider again and be for ever lying in wait and the shadow i have mentioned that was not to be between us any more but was to rest wholly on my own heart how did that fall the old unhappy feeling pervaded my life it was deepened if it were changed at all but it was as as ever and addressed me like a strain of sorrowful music faintly heard in the night i loved my wife dearly and i was happy but the happiness i had vaguely anticipated once was not the happiness i enjoyed and there	8
was always something wanting in fulfilment of the compact i have made with myself to reflect my mind on this paper i again examine it closely and bring its secrets to the light what i missed i still regarded i always regarded as something that had been a dream of my youthful fancy that was incapable of that i was now discovering to be so with some natural pain as all men did but that it would have been better for me if my wife could have helped me more and shared the many thoughts in which i had no partner and that this might have been i knew between these two conclusions the one that what i felt was general and the other that it was particular to me and might have been different i balanced curiously with no distinct sense of their opposition to each other when i thought of the airy dreams of youth that are incapable of i thought of the better state preceding manhood that i had and then the contented days with in the dear old house arose before me like of the dead that might have some renewal in another world but never never more could be here sometimes the speculation came into my thoughts what might have happened or what would have happened if and i had never known each other but she was so with my existence that it was the of all fancies and would soon rise out of my reach and sight like floating in the air i always loved her what i am describing and half awoke and slept again in the recesses of my mind there was no evidence of it in me i know of no influence it had in anything i said or did i bore the weight of all our little cares and all my projects held the pens and we both felt that our shares were adjusted as the case required she was truly fond of me and proud of me and when wrote a few earnest words in her letters to of the pride and interest with which my old friends heard of my growing reputation and read my book as if they heard me speaking its contents read them out to me with tears of joy in her bright eyes and said i was a dear old clever famous boy the first mistaken impulse of an heart those words of david of mrs strong s were constantly to me at this time were almost always present to my mind i awoke with them often in the night i remember to have even read them in dreams inscribed upon the walls of houses for i knew now that my own heart was when it first loved and that if it had been it never could have felt when we were married what it had felt in its there can be no in marriage like of mind and purpose those words i remembered too i had endeavoured to to myself and found it it remained for me to myself to to share with her what i could and be happy to bear on my own shoulders what i must and be happy still this was the discipline to which i tried to bring my heart when i began to think it made my second year much happier than my first and what was better still made s life all sunshine but as that year wore on was not strong i had hoped that lighter hands than mine would help to mould her character and that a baby smile upon her breast might change my child wife to a woman it was not to be the spirit fluttered for a moment on the threshold of its little prison and unconscious of took wing when i can run about again as i used to do aunt said i shall make race he is getting quite slow and lazy i suspect my dear said my aunt quietly working by her side he has a worse disorder than that age do you think he is old said astonished oh how strange it seems that should be old j it s a complaint we are all liable to little one as we get on in life said my aunt cheerfully i don t feel more free from it than i used to be i assure you but said looking at him with compassion even little oh poor fellow i dare say he last a long time yet blossom said my aunt patting on the cheek as she leaned out of her couch to look at who responded by standing on his hind legs and himself in various attempts to scramble up by the head and shoulders he must have a piece of flannel in his house this winter and i shouldn t wonder if he came out quite fresh again with the flowers in the spring bless the little dog exclaimed my aunt if he had as many lives as a cat and was on the point of losing em all he d bark at me with his last breath i believe had helped him up on the sofa where he really was my aunt to such a furious extent that he couldn t keep straight but himself sideways the more my aunt looked at him the more he reproached her for she had lately taken to spectacles and for some inscrutable reason he considered the glasses personal made him lie down by her with a good deal of persuasion and when he was quiet drew one of his long ears through and through her hand repeating thoughtfully even little oh poor fellow his lungs are good enough said my aunt gaily and his are not at all feeble he has a good many years before him no doubt the personal history and experience but if you want a dog to race with little blossom	8
it is my intention to k k the personal history and experience fly from myself for a short period and devote a of eight and forty hours to some scenes of past enjoyment among other of domestic tranquillity and peace of mind my feet will naturally tend towards the king s bench prison in stating that i shall be d v on the outside of the south wall of that place of on civil process the day after to morrow at seven in the evening precisely my object in this communication is accomplished i do not feel in my former friend mr or my former friend mr thomas of the inner temple if that gentleman is still and to condescend to meet me and renew so far as may be our past relations of the time i confine myself to throwing out the observation that at the hour and place i have indicated may be found such ruined as yet remain of a fallen tower s p s it may be advisable to to the above the statement that mrs is not in confidential possession of my intentions i read the letter over several times making due allowance for mr s lofty style of composition and for the extraordinary relish with which he sat down and wrote long letters on all possible and impossible occasions i still believed that something important lay hidden at the bottom of this communication i put it down to think about it and took it up again to read it once more and was still pursuing it when found me in the height of my perplexity my dear fellow said i i never was better pleased to see you you come to give me the benefit of your sober judgment at a most time i have received a very singular letter from mr no cried you don t say so and i have received one from mrs with that who was flushed with walking and whose hair under the combined effects of exercise and excitement stood on end as if he saw a cheerful ghost produced his letter and made an exchange with me i watched him into the heart of mr s letter and returned the elevation of eyebrows with which he said the or directing the devouring and flame bless me and then entered on the perusal of mrs s it ran thus my best regards to mr thomas and if he should still remember one who formerly had the happiness of being well acquainted with him may i beg a few moments of his leisure time i assure mr t t that i would not intrude upon his kindness were i in any other position than on the of distraction of david though to myself to mention the of mr formerly so from his wife and family is the cause of my addressing my unhappy appeal to mr and his best indulgence mr t can form no adequate idea of the change in mr s conduct of his of his violence it has gradually until it the appearance of of intellect scarcely a day passes i assure mr on which some does not take place mr t will not require me to my feelings when i inform him that i have become accustomed to hear mr assert that he has sold himself to the d mystery and have long been his principal characteristic have long replaced unlimited confidence the slightest provocation even being asked if there is anything he would prefer for dinner causes him to express a wish for a separation last night on being for to buy a local he presented an knife at the i entreat mr to bear with me in entering into these details without them mr t would indeed find it difficult to form the faintest conception of my heart situation may i now venture to confide to mr t the purport of my letter will he now allow me to throw myself on his friendly consideration oh yes for i know his heart the quick eye of affection is not easily blinded when of the female sex mr is going to london though he concealed his hand this morning before breakfast in writing the direction card which he attached to the little brown of happier days the of matrimonial anxiety detected d o n distinctly traced the west end destination of the coach is the golden cross dare i fervently mr t to see my husband and to reason with him dare i ask mr t to endeavour to step in between mr and his family oh no for that would be too much if mr should yet remember one unknown to fame will mr t take charge of my regards and similar entreaties in any case he will have the benevolence to consider this communication strictly private and on no account to he alluded to in the presence of mr if mr t should ever reply to it which i cannot but feel to be most improbable a letter addressed to m e post office will be with less painful consequences than any addressed immediately to one who herself in extreme distress mr thomas s respectful friend and what do you think of that letter said casting his eyes upon me when i had read it twice what do you think of the other said i he was still reading it with brows i think that the two together replied mean more than mr and mrs usually mean in their correspondence but i don t know what they are both written in good faith i have no doubt and without any poor thing he was now alluding k k the personal history and experience to mrs s letter and we were standing side by side comparing the two it will be a charity to write to her at all events and tell her that we will not fail to see	8
mr i to this the more readily because i now reproached myself with having treated her former letter rather lightly it had set me thinking a good deal at the time as i have mentioned in its place but my in my own affairs my experience of the family and my hearing nothing more had gradually ended in my the subject i had often thought of the but chiefly to wonder what pecuniary they were establishing in and to recall how shy mr was of me when he became clerk to however i now wrote a comforting letter to mrs in our joint names and we both signed it as we walked into town to post it and i held a long conference and launched into a number of speculations which i need not repeat we took my aunt into our counsels in the afternoon but our only decided conclusion was that we would be very punctual in keeping mr s appointment although we appeared at the place a quarter of an hour before the time we found mr already there he was standing with his arms folded over against the wall looking at the on the top with a sentimental expression as if they were the boughs of trees that had shaded him in his youth when we him his manner was something more confused and something less genteel than of he had his legal suit of black for the purposes of this excursion and wore the old and but not quite with the old air he gradually picked up more and more of it as we conversed with him but his very eye glass seemed to hang less easily and his shirt collar though still of the old formidable dimensions rather drooped gentlemen said mr after the first you are friends in need and friends indeed allow me to offer my inquiries with reference to the physical welfare of mrs in and mrs in that is to say that my friend mr is not yet united to the object of his affections for and for woe we acknowledged his politeness and made suitable replies he then directed our attention to the wall and was beginning i assure you gentlemen when i ventured to object to that form of address and to beg that he would speak to us in the old way my dear he returned pressing my hand your cordiality me this reception of a shattered fragment of the temple once called man if i may be permitted so to express myself a heart that is an honor to our common nature i was about to observe that i again behold the serene spot where some of the happiest hours of my existence by made so i am sure by mrs said i i hope she is well thank you returned mr whose face clouded at this reference she is but so so and this said mr nodding his head sorrowfully is the bench where for the first time in many revolving of david years the overwhelming pressure of pecuniary was not proclaimed from day to day by voices declining to the passage where there was no on the door for any to appeal to where personal service of process was not required and were merely lodged at the gate gentlemen said mr when the shadow of that iron work on the summit of the brick structure has been reflected on the gravel of the parade i have seen my children thread the of the intricate pattern avoiding the dark marks i have been familiar with every stone in the place if i betray weakness you will know how to excuse me we have all got on in life since then mr said i mr returned mr bitterly when i was an of that retreat i could look my fellow man in the face and punch his head if he offended me my fellow man and myself are no longer on those glorious terms turning from the building in a downcast manner mr accepted my proffered arm on one side and the proffered arm of on the other and walked away between us there are some observed mr looking fondly back over his shoulder on the road to the tomb which but for the of the a man would wish never to have passed such is the bench in my career oh you are in low spirits mr said i am sir interposed mr i hope said it is not because you have conceived a dislike to the law for i am a lawyer myself you know mr answered not a word how is our friend mr said i after a silence my dear returned mr bursting into a state of much excitement and turning pale if you ask after my employer as your friend i am sorry for it if you ask after him as my friend i smile at it in whatever capacity you ask after my employer i beg without offence to you to limit my reply to this that whatever his state of health may be his appearance is not to say you will allow me as a private individual to decline pursuing a subject which has lashed me to the utmost verge of desperation in my professional capacity i expressed my regret for having innocently touched upon a theme that roused him so much may i ask said i without any hazard of repeating the mistake how my old friends mr and miss are miss said mr now turning red is as she always is a pattern and a bright example my dear she is the only spot in a miserable existence my respect for that young lady my admiration of her character my devotion to her for her love and truth and goodness take me said mr down a turning for upon my soul in my present state of mind i am not equal to	8
me i am obliged to you they shook hands again my employer ma am mr once did me the favor to observe to me that if i were not in the receipt of the to my engagement with him i should probably be a about the country a sword blade and eating the devouring element for anything that i can perceive to the contrary it is still probable that my children may be reduced to seek a by personal while mrs their unnatural by playing the barrel organ mr with a random but expressive flourish of his knife the personal history and experience signified that these performances might be expected to take place after he was no more then resumed his with a desperate air my aunt leaned her elbow on the little round table that she beside her and eyed him attentively notwithstanding the aversion with which i regarded the idea of him into any disclosure he was not prepared to make voluntarily i should have taken him up at this point but for the strange proceedings in which i saw him engaged whereof his putting the into the kettle the sugar into the the spirit into the empty and confidently attempting to pour boiling water out of a were among the most remarkable i saw that a crisis was at hand and it came he all his means and implements together rose from his chair pulled out his pocket handkerchief and burst into tears my dear said mr behind his handkerchief this is an occupation of all others requiring an mind and self respect i cannot perform it it is out of the question mr said i what is the matter pray speak out you are among friends among friends sir repeated mr and all he had reserved came breaking out of him good heavens it is principally because i am among friends that my state of mind is what it is what is the matter gentlemen what is not the matter is the matter is the matter deception fraud conspiracy are the matter and the name of the whole mass is my aunt clapped her hands and we all started up as if we were possessed the struggle is over said mr violently with his pocket handkerchief and fairly striking out from time to time with both arms as if he were swimming under difficulties i will lead this life no longer i am a wretched being cut off from everything that makes life tolerable i have been under a in that infernal scoundrel s service give me back my wife give me back my family substitute for the petty wretch who walks about in the boots at present on my feet and call upon me to swallow a sword to morrow and i do it with an appetite i never saw a man so hot in my life i tried to calm him that we might come to something rational but he got and and wouldn t hear a word i put my hand in no man s hand said mr gasping puffing and sobbing to that degree that he was like a man fighting with cold water until i have blown to fragments the a detestable serpent i partake of no one s hospitality until i have a moved mount to on a the abandoned rascal a underneath this roof particularly punch would a me unless i had previously the eyes out of the head a of interminable cheat and liar i a i know nobody and a say nothing and a live nowhere until i have crushed to a the and immortal and i had some fear of mr s dying on the spot the of david manner in which he struggled through these inarticulate sentences and whenever he found himself getting near the name of fought his way on to it dashed at it in a fainting state and brought it out with a vehemence little less than marvellous was frightful but now when he sank into a chair steaming and looked at us with every possible color in his face that had no business there and an endless procession of following one another in hot haste up his throat whence they seemed to shoot into his forehead he had the appearance of being in the last extremity i would have gone to his assistance but he me off and wouldn t hear a word no no communication a until miss a from wrongs inflicted by scoundrel if i am quite convinced he could not have uttered three words but for the amazing energy with which this word inspired him when he felt it coming secret a from the whole world a no exceptions this day week a at breakfast time a everybody present including aunt a and extremely friendly gentleman to be at the hotel at a where mrs and myself in chorus and a will expose intolerable no more to say a or listen to persuasion go immediately not capable a bear society upon the track of devoted and doomed traitor with this last repetition of the magic word that had kept him going at all and in which he surpassed all his previous efforts mr rushed out of the house leaving us in a state of excitement hope and wonder that reduced us to a condition little better than his own but even then his passion for writing letters was too strong to be resisted for while	8
bending eagerly towards me and said i going to it can you come with me she inquired in an agitated whisper i have been to him and he is not at home i wrote down where he was to come and left it on his table with my own hand they said he would not be out long i have tidings for him can you come directly my answer was to pass out at the gate immediately she made a hasty gesture with her hand as if to entreat my patience and my silence and turned towards london whence as her dress she had come on foot i asked her if that were not our destination on her yes with the same hasty gesture as before i stopped an empty coach that was coming by and we got into it when i asked her where the coachman was to drive she answered anywhere near golden square and quick then shrunk into a corner with one trembling hand before her face and the other making the former gesture as if she could not bear a voice now much disturbed and dazzled with conflicting of hope and dread i looked at her for some explanation but seeing how strongly she desired to remain quiet and feeling that it was my own natural inclination too at such a time i did not attempt to break the silence we proceeded without a word being spoken sometimes she glanced out of the window as though she thought we were going slowly though indeed we were going fast but otherwise remained exactly as at first we alighted at one of the to the square she had mentioned where i directed the coach to wait not knowing but that we might have the personal history and experience some occasion for it she laid her hand on my arm and hurried me on to one of the sombre streets of which there are several in that part where the houses were once fair dwellings in the occupation of single families but have and had long into poor lodgings let off in rooms entering at the open door of one of these and my arm she beckoned me to follow her up the common staircase which was like a channel to the street the house with inmates as we went up doors of rooms were opened and people s heads put out and we passed other people on the stairs who were coming down in glancing up from the outside before we entered i had seen women and children at the windows over flower pots and we seemed to have attracted their curiosity for these were principally the who looked out of their doors it was a broad staircase with massive of some dark wood above the doors ornamented with carved fruit and flowers and broad seats in the windows but all these tokens of past grandeur were miserably decayed and dirty rot damp and age had weakened the which in many places was and even some attempts had been made i noticed to new blood into this frame by the costly old wood work here and there with common deal but it was like the marriage of a reduced old noble to a and each party to the ill union shrunk away from the other several of the back windows on the staircase had been darkened or wholly blocked up in those that remained there was scarcely any glass and through the crumbling frames by which the bad air seemed always to come in and never to go out i saw through other windows into other houses in a similar condition and looked down into a wretched yard which was the common dust heap of the mansion we proceeded to the top story of the house two or three times by the way i thought i observed in the indistinct light the skirts of a female figure going up before us as we turned to ascend the last flight of stairs between us and the roof we caught a full view of this figure pausing for a moment at a door then it turned the handle and went in what s this said in a whisper she has gone into my room i don t know her i knew her i had recognised her with amazement for miss i said something to the effect that it was a lady whom i had seen before in a few words to my and had scarcely done so when we heard her voice in the room though not from where we stood what she was saying with an astonished look repeated her former action and softly led me up the stairs and then by a little back door which seemed to have no lock and which she pushed open with a touch into a small empty garret with a low sloping roof little better than a cupboard between this and the room she had called hers there was a small door of communication standing partly open here we stopped breathless with our ascent and she placed her hand lightly on my lips i could only see of the room beyond that it was pretty large that there was a bed in it and that there were some common pictures of ships upon the walls i could not see miss or the person whom we had heard her address certainly my companion could not for my position was the best of david a dead silence prevailed for some moments kept one hand on my lips and raised the other in a listening attitude it matters little to me her not being at home said i know nothing of her it is you i come to see me replied a soft voice at the sound of it a thrill went through my frame for it was s yes returned miss i have come to look at you what you are not ashamed	8
of the face that has done so much the resolute and hatred of her tone its cold stern and its mastered rage presented her before me as if i had seen her standing in the light i saw the flashing black eyes and the figure and i saw the with its white track cutting through her lips quivering and throbbing as she spoke i have come to see she said james s fancy the girl who ran away with him and is the town talk of the commonest people of her native place the bold practised companion of persons like james i want to know what such a thing is like there was a rustle as if the unhappy girl on whom she heaped these ran towards the door and the speaker swiftly interposed herself before it it was succeeded by a moment s pause when miss spoke again it was through her set teeth and with a stamp upon the ground stay there she said or i proclaim you to the house and the whole street if you try to me i stop you if it s by the hair and raise the very stones against you a frightened murmur was the only reply that reached my ears a silence succeeded i did not know what to do much as i desired to put an end to the interview i felt that i had no right to present myself that it was for mr alone to see her and recover her would he never come i thought impatiently so said with a contemptuous laugh i see her at last why he was a poor creature to be taken by that delicate and that hanging head oh for heaven s sake spare me exclaimed whoever you are you know my pitiable story and for heaven s sake spare me if you would be spared yourself if would be spared returned the other fiercely what is there in common between m do you think nothing but our sex said with a burst of tears and that said is so strong a claim preferred by one so infamous that if i had any feeling in my breast but scorn and of you it would it up our sex you are an honour to our sex ic i have deserved this cried but it s dreadful dear dear lady think what i have suffered and how i am fallen oh come back oh home home miss placed herself in a chair within view of the door and looked downward as if were crouching on the floor before her being now between me and the light i could see her curled lip and her cruel eyes intently fixed on one place with a greedy triumph listen to what i say she said and reserve your false arts for the personal history and experience your do you hope to move me by your tears no more than you could charm me by your smiles you purchased slave oh have some mercy on me cried show me some compassion or i shall die mad it would be no great penance said for your crimes do you know what you have done do you ever think of the home you have laid waste oh is there ever night or day when i don t think of it cried and now i could just see her on her knees with her head thrown back her pale face looking upward her hands wildly clasped and held out and her hair streaming about her has there ever been a single minute waking or sleeping when it hasn t been before me just as it used to be in the lost days when i turned my back upon it for ever and for ever oh home home oh dear dear uncle if you ever could have known the agony your love would cause me when i fell away from good you never would have shown it to me so constant much as you felt it but would have been angry to me at least once in my life that i might have had some comfort i have none none no comfort upon earth for all of them were always fond of me she dropped on her face before the imperious figure in the chair with an imploring effort to clasp the skirt of her dress sat looking down upon her as as a figure of brass her lips were tightly compressed as if she knew that she must keep a strong upon herself i write what i sincerely believe or she would be tempted to strike the beautiful form with her foot i saw her distinctly and the whole power of her face and character seemed forced into that expression would he never come the miserable vanity of these earth worms she said when she had so far controlled the angry of her breast that she could trust herself to speak your home do you imagine that i bestow a thought on it or suppose you could do any harm to that low place which money would not pay for and handsomely your home you were a part of the trade of your home and were bought and sold like any other thing your people dealt in oh not that cried say anything of me but don t visit my disgrace and shame more than i have done on folks who are as honorable as you have some respect for them as you are a lady if you have no mercy for me i speak she said not to take any heed of this appeal and drawing away her dress from the of s touch i speak of home where i live here she said stretching out her hand with her contemptuous laugh and looking down upon the prostrate girl is a worthy cause of division between lady mother and gentleman son of grief in a house	8
where she wouldn t have been admitted as a kitchen girl of anger and and reproach this piece of picked up from the water side to be made much of for an hour and then tossed back to her original place no no cried clasping her hands together when he first came into my way that the day had never dawned upon me and he had met me being carried to my grave i had been brought up as of david virtuous as you or any lady and was going to be the wife of as good a man as you or any lady in the world can ever marry if you live in his home and know him you know perhaps what his power with a weak vain girl might be i don t defend myself but i know well and he knows well or he will know when he comes to die and his mind is troubled with it that he used all his power to deceive me and that i believed him trusted him and loved him sprang up from her seat and in struck at her with a face of such so darkened and by passion that i had almost thrown myself between them the blow which had no aim fell upon the air as she now stood panting looking at her with the utmost that she was capable of expressing and trembling from head to foot with rage and scorn i thought i had never seen such a sight and never could see such another you love him you she cried with her clenched hand quivering as if it only wanted a weapon to the object of her wrath had shrunk out of my view there was no reply and tell that to me she added with your shameful lips why don t they whip these creatures if i could order it to be done i would have this girl whipped to death and so she would i have no doubt i would not have trusted her with the rack itself while that furious look lasted she slowly very slowly broke into a laugh and pointed at with her hand as if she were a sight of shame for gods and men she love she said that and he ever cared for her she d tell me ha ha the that these are her mockery was worse than her rage of the two i would have much preferred to be the object of the latter but when she suffered it to break loose it was only for a moment she had chained it up again and however it might tear her within she subdued it to herself i came here you pure fountain of love she said to see as i began by telling what such a thing as you was like i was curious i am satisfied also to tell you that you had best seek that home of yours with all speed and hide your head among those excellent people who are expecting you and whom your money will console when it s all gone you can believe and trust and love again you know i thought you a broken toy that had lasted its time a worthless that was and thrown away but finding you true gold a very lady and an ill used innocent with a fresh heart full of love and which you look like and is quite consistent with your story i have to say attend to it for what i say i do do you hear me you fairy spirit what i say i mean to do her rage got the better of her again for a moment but it passed over her face like a and left her smiling hide yourself she pursued if not at home somewhere let it be somewhere beyond reach in some obscure life or better still in some obscure death i wonder if your loving heart will not break you have found no way of helping it to be still i have heard of such means sometimes i believe they may be easily found a low crying on the part of interrupted her here she stopped and listened to it as if it were music the personal history and experience i am of a strange nature perhaps went on but i can t breathe freely in the air you breathe i find it sickly therefore i will have it cleared i will have it of you if you live here to morrow i have your story and your character proclaimed on the common stair there are decent women in the house i am told and it is a pity such a light as you should be among them and concealed if leaving here you seek any refuge in this town in any character but your true one which you are welcome to bear without from me the same service shall be done you if i hear of your retreat being assisted by a gentleman who not long ago to the favor of your hand i am sanguine as to that would he never never come how long was i to bear this how long could i bear it oh me oh me exclaimed the wretched in a tone that might have touched the hardest heart i should have thought bat there was no in s smile what what shall i do do returned the other live happy in your own reflections your existence to the recollection of james s tenderness he would have made you his serving man s wife would he not or to feeling grateful to the upright and deserving creature who would have taken you as his gift or if those proud and the consciousness of your own virtues and the honorable position to which they have raised you in the eyes of everything that wears the human shape will not	8
sustain you marry that good man and be happy in his condescension if this will not do either die there are and for such deaths and such despair find one and take your flight to heaven i heard a distant foot upon the stairs i knew it i was certain it was his thank god she moved slowly from before the door when she said this and passed out of my sight but mark she added slowly and sternly opening the other door to go away i am resolved for reasons that i have and that i entertain to cast you out unless you withdraw from my reach altogether or drop your pretty mask this is what i had to say and what i say i mean to do the foot upon the stairs came nearer nearer passed her as she went down rushed into the room uncle a fearful cry followed the word i paused a moment and looking in saw him supporting her insensible figure in his arms he gazed for a few seconds in the face then stooped to kiss it oh how tenderly and drew a handkerchief before it r he said in a low tremulous voice when it was covered i thank my father as my dream s come true i thank him hearty for having guided of me in his own ways to my darling with those words he took her up in his arms and with the veiled face lying on his bosom and addressed towards his own carried her motionless and unconscious down the stairs i of david chapter li the beginning of a longer journey it was yet early in the morning of the following day when as i was walking in ray garden with my aunt who took little other exercise now being so much in attendance on my dear i was told that mr desired to speak with me he came into the garden to meet me half way on my going towards the gate and his head as it was always his custom to do when he saw my aunt for whom he had a high respect i had been telling her all that had happened over night without saying a word she walked up with a cordial face shook hands with him and patted him on the arm it was so done that she had no need to say a word mr understood her quite as well as if she had said a thousand i go in now trot said my aunt and look after little blossom who will be getting up presently not along of my being ma am i hope said mr unless my wits is gone a band s by which mr meant to say bird s this morning tis along of me as you re a going to quit us you have something to say my good friend returned my aunt and will do better without me by your leave ma am returned mr i should take it kind you t mind my if you d bide would you said my aunt with short good nature then i am sure i will so she drew her arm through mr s and walked with him to a leafy little summer house there was at the bottom of the garden where she sat down on a bench and i beside her there was a seat for mr too but he preferred to stand leaning his hand on the small rustic table as he stood looking at his cap for a little while before beginning to speak i could not help observing what power and force of character his hand expressed and what a good and companion it was to his honest brow and iron grey hair i took my dear child away last night mr began as he raised his eyes to ours to my lodging i have a long time been expecting of her and preparing fur her it was hours afore she me right and when she did she down at my feet and said to me as if it was her prayers how it all come to be you may believe me when i her voice as i had at home so playful and see her as it might be in the dust our wrote in with his blessed hand i felt a go to my art in the midst of all its he drew his sleeve across his face without any pretence of concealing why and then cleared his voice it warn t for long as i felt that for she was found i had on y to l l the personal history and experience think as she was found and it was gone i t know why i do so much as mention of it now i m sure i didn t have it in my mind a minute ago to say a word about myself but it come up so that i yielded to it afore i was you are a self denying soul said my aunt and will have your reward mr with the shadows of the leaves playing his face made a surprised inclination of the head towards my aunt as an acknowledgment of her good opinion then took up the thread he had when my em ly took flight he said in stern wrath for the moment from the house she was made a ner by that spotted snake as r see and his story s and may god confound him she took flight in the night it was a dark night with a many stars a shining she was wild she ran along the sea beach believing the old boat was and calling out to us to turn away our faces for she was a coming by she herself a crying out like as if it was another person and cut herself on	8
them sharp stones and rocks and felt it no more than if she had been rock herself ever so fur she run and there was fire afore her eyes and in her ears of a sudden or so she you the day broke wet and windy and she was lying b low a heap of stone upon the shore and a woman was a speaking to her saying in the language of that country what was it as had gone so much amiss he saw everything he related it passed before him as he spoke so vividly that in the intensity of his earnestness he presented what he described to me with greater distinctness than i can express i can hardly believe writing now long afterwards but that i was actually present in these scenes they are impressed upon me with such an astonishing air of fidelity as em ly s eyes which was heavy see this woman better mi went on she know d as she was one of them as she had often talked to on the beach though she had run as i have said ever so fur in the night she had wandered long ways partly partly in boats and carriages and know d all that country long the coast miles and miles she hadn t no children of her own this woman being a young wife but she was a looking to have one afore long and may my prayers go up to heaven that be a ness to her and a comfort and a honor all her life may it love her and be to her in her old age of her at the last a angel to her and amen said my aunt she had been and down said mr and had sat at first a little way off at her spinning or such work as it was when em ly talked to the children but em ly had took notice of her and had gone and spoke to her the young woman was partial to herself they had soon made friends that when em ly went that way she always em ly flowers this was her as now asked what it was that had gone so much amiss em ly told her and she took her home she did indeed she took her home said mr covering his face of david he was more affected by this act of kindness than i had ever seen him affected by anything since the night she went away my aunt and i did not attempt to disturb him it was a little cottage you may suppose he said presently but she found space for em ly in it her husband was away at sea and she it secret and prevailed upon such neighbours as she had they was not many near to keep it secret too em ly was took bad with fever and what is very strange to me is maybe tis not so strange to scholars the language of that country went out of her head and she could only speak her own that no one she as if she had dreamed it that she lay there always a talking her own tongue always believing as the old boat was round the next pint in the bay and begging and imploring of em to send and tell how she was dying and bring back a message of forgiveness if it was on y a a most the whole time she now that him as i made mention on just now was lurking for her the now that him as had brought her to this was in the room and cried to the good young woman not to give her up and know d at the same time that she couldn t and dreaded that she must be took away likewise the fire was afore her eyes and the in her ears and there was no to day nor yesterday nor yet to morrow but everything in her life as ever had been or as ever could be and everything as never had been and as never could be was a crowding on her all at once and nothing clear nor welcome and yet she sang and laughed about it how long this lasted i t know but then there come a sleep and in that sleep from being a many times stronger than her own self she fell into the weakness of the child here he stopped as if for relief from the terrors of his own description after being silent for a few moments he pursued his story it was a pleasant when she awoke and so quiet that there warn t a sound but the rippling of that blue sea without a tide upon the shore it was her belief at first that she was at home upon a sunday morning but the vine leaves as she see at the and the hills beyond warn t home and contradicted of her then come in her friend to watch alongside of her bed and then she know d as the old boat warn t round that next pint in the bay no more but was fur off and know d where she was and why and broke out a crying on that good s bosom i hope her baby is a lying now a cheering of her with its pretty eyes he could not speak of this good friend of s without a flow of tears it was in vain to try he broke down again endeavouring to bless her that done my em ly good he resumed after such emotion as i could not behold without sharing in and as to my aunt she wept with all her heart that done em ly good and she begun to mend but the language of that country was quite gone from her	8
and she was forced to make signs so she went on getting better from day to day slow but sure and trying to learn the names of common things names as she seemed never to have in all her life till one evening come when she was a setting at her window looking at a little girl at play upon the beach and of a sudden this child held out her hand and said what would be in english s daughter here s a shell for you are to l the personal history and experience stand that they used at first to call her pretty lady as the general way in that country is and that she had taught em to call her s daughter instead the child says of a sudden s daughter here s a shell then em ly her and she answers bursting out a crying and it all comes back when em ly got strong again said mr after another short interval of silence she cast about to leave that good young and get to her own country the husband was come home then and the two together put her aboard a small bound to and from that to she had a little money but it was less than little as they would take for all they done i m a most glad on it though they was so poor what they done is laid up neither nor doth corrupt and thieves do not break through nor steal r it all the treasure in the em ly got to and took service to wait on travelling ladies at a inn in the port come one day that snake let him never come nigh me i t know what hurt i might do him soon as she see him without him seeing her all her fear and returned upon her and she fled afore the very breath he draw d she come to england and was set ashore at i t know said mr for sure when her art begun to fail her but all the way to england she had to come to her dear home soon as she got to england she turned her face tow it but fear of not being fear of being at fear of some of us being dead along of her fear of many things turned her from it by force upon the road uncle uncle she says to me the fear of not being worthy to do what my torn and bleeding breast so longed to do was the most fright fear of all i turned back when my art was full of prayers that i might crawl to the old in the night kiss it lay my wicked face upon it and be found dead in the morning she come said mr dropping his voice to an awe stricken whisper to london she as had never seen it in her life alone without a penny young so pretty come to london a most the moment as she lighted all so desolate she found as she believed a friend a decent woman as spoke to her about the needle work as she had been brought up to do about finding plenty of it fur her about a lodging for the night and making secret concerning of me and all at home to morrow w r hen my child he said aloud and with an energy of gratitude that shook him from head to foot stood upon the brink of more than i can say or think on to her promise saved her i could not repress a cry of joy r he said my hand in that strong hand of his it was you as first made mention of her to me i sir she was she had know d of her bitter knowledge to watch and what to do she had done it and the lord was above all she come white and hurried upon em ly in her sleep she says to her up from worse than death and come with me them belonging to the house would have stopped her but they might as soon have stopped the sea stand away from me she says ghost that calls her from beside her open grave she told em ly she had seen me and know d of david i loved her and her she wrapped her hasty in her clothes she took her faint and trembling on her arm she no more what they said than if she had had no ears she walked among em with my child only her and brought her safe out in the dead of the night from that black pit of ruin she attended on em ly said mr who had released my hand and put his own hand on his heaving chest she attended to my em ly lying wearied out and wandering till late next day then she went in search of me then in search of you r she didn t tell em ly what she come out fur lest her art should fail and she should think of hiding of herself how the cruel lady know d of her being i can t say whether him as i have spoke so much of chanced to see em going or whether which is most like to my thinking he had it from the woman i t greatly ask myself my niece is found all night long said mr we have been together em ly and me tis little considering the time as she has said in through them broken hearted tears tis less as i have seen of her dear face as grow d into a woman s at my hearth but all night long her arms has been about my neck and her head has laid and we knows full well as we can put	8
our trust in one another ever more he ceased to speak and his hand upon the table rested there in perfect repose with a resolution in it that might have conquered lions it was a gleam of light upon me trot said my aunt drying her eyes when i formed the resolution of being to your sister who disappointed me but next to that hardly anything would have given me greater pleasure than to be to that good young creature s baby mr nodded his understanding of my aunt s feelings but could not trust himself with any verbal reference to the subject of her we all remained silent and occupied with our own reflections my aunt drying her eyes and now sobbing and now laughing and calling herself a fool until i spoke you have quite made up your mind said i to mr as to the future good friend i need scarcely ask you quite r he returned and told em ly s mighty countries fur from our future life lays over the sea they will together aunt said i yes said mr with a hopeful smile no one can t reproach my darling in we will begin a new life over i asked him if he yet proposed to himself any time for going away i was down at the early this morning sir he returned to get information concerning of them ships in about six weeks or two months from now there be one sailing i see her this morning went aboard and we shall take our passage in her quite alone i asked aye r he returned my sister you see she s that fond of you and and that accustomed to think on y of her own country that it wouldn t be hardly fair to let her go besides which s one she has in charge r as t ought to be forgot poor ham said i my good sister takes care of his house you see ma am and he takes the personal history and experience kindly to her mr explained for my aunt s better information he set and talk to her with a calm spirit it s like he couldn t bring himself to open his lips to another poor fellow said mr shaking his head s not so much left him that he could spare the little as he has and mrs said i well i ve had a of con i do tell you returned mr with a perplexed look which gradually cleared as he went on concerning of you see falls a thinking of the old un she an t what you may call good company you and me r and you ma am mrs takes to our old county word for crying she s liable to be considered to be by them as didn t know the old un like now i did know the old un said mr and i know d his merits so i her but tan t entirely so you see with others rally can t be my aunt and i both said mr my sister might i t say she would but might find give her a trouble again tan t my intentions to long with them but to find a fur her she can fur herself a in that dialect a home and to is to provide which purpose said mr i means to make her a afore i go as leave her pretty comfort ble she s the of tan t to be expected of course at her time of life and being lone and as the good old is to be knocked about and in the woods and of a new and fur away country so that s what i m a going to do with her he forgot nobody he thought of everybody s claims and but his own em ly he continued will keep along with me poor child she s sore in need of peace and rest until such time as we goes upon our voyage she ll work at them clothes as must be made and i hope her troubles will begin to seem longer ago than they was she finds herself once more by her rough but loving uncle my aunt nodded confirmation of this hope and imparted great satisfaction to mr s one thing r said he putting his hand in his breast pocket and gravely taking out the little paper bundle i had seen before which he on the table s these here fifty pound and ten to them i wish to add the money as she come away with i ve asked her about that but not saying why and have added of it up i an t a scholar would you be so kind as see how tis he handed me for his a piece of paper and observed me while i looked it over it was quite right sir he said taking it back this money if you t see objections r i shall put up jest afore i go in a cover d to him and put that up in another d to his mother i shall tell her in no more than i speak to you what it s the price on and that i m gone and past receiving of it back of david i told him that i thought it would be right to do so that i was thoroughly convinced it would be since he felt it to be right i said that was on y one thing he proceeded with a grave smile when he had made up his little bundle again and put it in his pocket but was two i warn t sure in my mind i come out this morning as i could go and break to ham of my own self what had so	8
happened so i writ a letter while i was out and put it in the post office telling of em how all was as tis and that i should come down to morrow to my mind of what little needs a doing of down and most like take my farewell leave of and do you wish me to go with you said i seeing that he left something if you could do me that kind favor r he replied i know the sight on you would cheer em up a bit my little being in good spirits and very desirous that i should go as i found on talking it over with her i readily pledged myself to accompany him in accordance with his wish next morning consequently we were on the coach and again travelling over the old ground as we passed along the familiar street at night mr in despite of all my carrying my bag i glanced into and s shop and saw my old friend mr there smoking his pipe i felt reluctant to be present when mr first met his sister and ham and made mr my excuse for lingering behind how is mr after this long time said i going in he away the smoke of his pipe that he might get a better view of me and soon recognised me with great delight i should get up sir to acknowledge such an honor as this visit said he only my limbs are rather out of sorts and i am wheeled about with the exception of my limbs and my breath ever i am as hearty as a man can be i m thankful to say i congratulated him on his contented looks and his good spirits and saw now that his easy chair went on wheels it s an ingenious thing ain t it he inquired following the direction of my glance and the elbow with his arm it runs as light as a feather and tracks as true as a mail coach bless you my little my grand daughter you know s child puts her little strength against the back gives it a and away we go as clever and merry as ever you see anything and i tell you what it s a most uncommon chair to smoke a pipe in i never saw such a good old fellow to make the best of a thing and find out the enjoyment of it as mr he was as radiant as if his chair his and the failure of his limbs were the various branches of a great invention for the luxury of a pipe w i see more of the world i can assure you said mr in this chair than ever i see out of it you d be surprised at the number of people that looks in of a day to have a chat you really would there s twice as much in the newspaper since i ve taken to this chair as there used to be as to general reading dear me what a lot of it i do get through that s what i feel so strong you know if it had been my eyes what should i have done if it had been my ears what should i have done being my limbs what does it signify why my the personal history and experience limbs only made my breath shorter when i used em and now if i want to go out into the street or down to the sands i ve only got to call dick s youngest and away i go in my own carriage like the lord mayor of london he half himself with laughing here lord bless you said mr his pipe a man must take the fat with the lean that s what he must make up his mind to in this life does a fine business ex business lam very glad to hear it said i i knew you would be said mr and and are like what more can a man expect what s his limbs to that his supreme contempt for his own limbs as he sat smoking was one of the i have ever encountered and since i ve took to general reading you ve took to general writing eh sir said mr surveying me what a lovely work that was of yours what expressions in it i read it every word every word and as to feeling sleepy not at all i expressed my satisfaction but i must confess that i thought this association of ideas significant i give you my word and honor sir said mr that when i lay that book upon the table and look at it outside compact in three separate and one two three i am as proud as punch to think that i once had the honor of being connected with your family and dear me it s a long time ago now an t it over at with a pretty little party laid along with the other party and you quite a small party then yourself dear dear i changed the subject by referring to after assuring him that i did not forget how interested he had always been in her and how kindly he had always treated her i gave him a general account of her restoration to her uncle by the aid of which i knew would please the old man he listened with the utmost attention and said when i had done i am rejoiced at it sir it s the best news i have heard for many a day dear dear dear and what s going to be undertook for that unfortunate young woman now you touch a point that my thoughts have been dwelling on since yesterday said i but on which i can give you no information yet mr mr has not alluded to	8
it and i have a delicacy in doing so i am sure he has not forgotten it he forgets nothing that is disinterested and good because you know said mr taking himself up where he had left off whatever is done i should wish to be a member of put me down for anything you may consider right and let me know i never could think the girl all bad and i am glad to find she s not so will my daughter be young women are contradictory creatures in some things her mother was just the same as her but their hearts are soft and kind it s all show with about why she should consider it necessary to make any show i don t undertake to tell you but it s all show bless you she d do her any kindness in private so put me down for whatever you may consider right will you be so good of david and drop me a line where to forward it dear me said mr when a man is drawing on to a time of life where the two ends of life meet when he finds himself however hearty he is being wheeled about for the second time in a speeches of go cart he should be over rejoiced to do a kindness if he can he wants plenty and i don t speak of myself particular said mr because sir the way i look at it is that we are all drawing on to the bottom of the hill whatever age we are on account of time never standing still for a single moment so let us always do a kindness and be over rejoiced to be sure he knocked the ashes out of his pipe and put it on a ledge in the back of his chair expressly made for its reception there s em ly s cousin him that she was to have been married to said mr rubbing his hands feebly as fine a fellow as there is in he come and talk or read to me in the evening for an hour together sometimes that s a kindness i should call it all his life s a kindness i am going to see him now said i are you said mr tell him i was hearty and sent my respects and s at a ball they would be as proud to see you as i am if they was at home won t hardly go out at all you see f on account of father as she says so i swore to night that if she didn t go i d go to bed at six in consequence of which mr shook himself and his chair with laughter at the success of his device she and s at a ball i shook hands with him and wished him good night half a minute sir said mr if you was to go without seeing my little elephant you d lose the best of sights you never see such a sight a musical little voice answered from somewhere upstairs i am coming grandfather and a pretty little girl with long curling hair soon came running into the shop this is my little elephant sir said mr the child breed sir now little elephant the little elephant set the door of the parlor open me to see that in these latter days it was converted into a bedroom for mr who could not be easily conveyed upstairs and then hid her pretty forehead and tumbled her long hair against the back of mr s chair the elephant you know sir said mr when he goes at a object once elephant twice three times at this signal the little elephant with a dexterity that was next to marvellous in so small an animal the chair round with mr in it and rattled it off into the parlor without touching the mr enjoying the performance and looking back at me on the road as if it were the triumphant issue of his life s exertions after a stroll about the town i went to ham s house had now removed here for good and had let her own house to the successor of mr in the carrying business who had paid her very well for the good will cart and horse i believe the very same slow horse that mr drove was still at work i found them in the neat kitchen accompanied by mrs who the personal history and experience had been fetched from the old boat by mr himself i doubt if she could have been induced to desert her post by any one else he had evidently told them all both and mrs had their to their eyes and ham had just stepped out to take a turn on the beach he presently came home very glad to see me and i hope they were all the better for my being there we spoke with some approach to cheerfulness of mr s growing rich in a new country and of the wonders he would describe in his letters we said nothing of by name but referred to her more than once ham was the of the party but told me when she lighted me to a little chamber where the book was lying ready for me on the table that he always was the same she believed she told me crying that he was broken hearted though he was as full of courage as of sweetness and worked harder and better than any boat in any yard in all that part there were times she said of an evening when he talked of their old life in the and then he mentioned as a child but he never mentioned her as a woman i thought i had read in his face that he would like to speak to me alone i therefore resolved to put	8
looking at my aunt and me why shouldn t you both go i am not very ill indeed am i why what a question cried my aunt what a fancy said i yes i know i am a silly little thing said slowly looking from one of us to the other and then putting up her pretty lips to kiss us as she lay upon her couch well then you must both go or i shall not believe you and then i shall cry t saw in my aunt s face that she began to give way now and brightened again as she saw it too you come back with so much to tell me that it take at least a week to make me understand said because i i sha n t understand for a length of time if there s any business in it and there s sure to be some business in it if there s any thing to add up the history and experience besides i don t know when i shall make it out and my bad boy will look so miserable all the time there now you go won t you you only be gone one night and will take care of me while you are gone will carry me up stairs before you go and i won t come down again till you come back and you shall take a dreadfully scolding letter from me because she has never been to see us we agreed without any more consultation that we would both go and that was a little who feigned to be rather because she liked to be she was greatly pleased and very merry and we four that is to say my aunt mi dick and i went down to by the mail that night at the hotel where mr had requested us to await him which we got into with some trouble in the middle of the night i found a letter that he would appear in the morning at nine after which we went shivering at that uncomfortable hour to our respective beds through various close passages which smelt as if they had been for ages in a solution of soup and stables early in the morning i sauntered through the dear old tranquil streets and again mingled with the shadows of the venerable and churches the were sailing about the cathedral towers and the towers themselves overlooking many a long mile of the rich country and its pleasant streams were cutting the bright morning air as if there were no such thing as change on earth yet the bells when they sounded told me sorrowfully of change in everything told me of their own age and my pretty s youth and of the many never old who had lived and loved and died while the of the bells had through the rusty of the black prince hanging up within and upon the deep of time had lost themselves in air as circles do in water i looked at the old house from the corner of the street but did not go nearer to it lest being observed i might do any harm to the design i had come to aid the early sun was striking on its and windows touching them with gold and some beams of its old peace seemed to touch my heart i strolled into the country for an hour or so and then returned by the main street which in the interval had shaken off its last night s sleep among those who were stirring in the shops i saw my ancient enemy the butcher now advanced to top boots and a baby and in business for himself he was nursing the baby and appeared to be a member of society we all became very anxious and impatient when we sat down to breakfast as it approached nearer and nearer to half past nine o clock our restless expectation of mr increased at last we made no more pretence of attending to the meal which except with mr dick had been a mere form from the first but my aunt walked up and down the room sat upon the sofa affecting to read the paper with his eyes on the ceiling and i looked out of the window to give early notice of mr s coming nor had i long to watch for at the first of the half hour he appeared in the street here he is said i and not in his legal attire my aunt tied the strings of her bonnet she had come down to breakfast in it and put on her shawl as if she were ready for anything that was of david resolute and liis coat with a determined air mr dick disturbed by these formidable appearances but necessary to imitate them pulled his hat with both hands as firmly over his ears as he possibly could and instantly took it off again to welcome mr gentlemen and madam said mr good morning my dear sir to mr dick who shook hands with him violently you are extremely good have you said mr dick have a chop not for the world my good sir cried mr stopping him on his way to the bell appetite and myself mr have long been strangers mr was so pleased with his new name and appeared to think it so very obliging in mr to confer it upon him that he shook hands with him again and laughed rather dick said my aunt attention mr dick recovered himself with a blush now sir said my aunt to mr as she put on her gloves we are ready for mount or anything else as soon as you please madam returned mr i trust you will shortly witness an mr i have your permission i believe to mention here that we have been in communication together it is undoubtedly the fact said to whom	8
i looked in surprise mr has consulted me in reference to what he has in contemplation and i have advised him to the best of my judgment unless i deceive myself mr pursued mr what i contemplate is a disclosure of an important nature highly so said perhaps under such circumstances madam and gentlemen said mr you will do me the favor to submit yourselves for the moment to the direction of one who however unworthy to be regarded in any other light but as a and stray upon the shore of human nature is still your fellow man though crushed out of his original form by individual errors and the force of a combination of circumstances we have perfect confidence in you mr said i and will do what you please mr returned mr your confidence is not at the existing juncture ill bestowed i would beg to be allowed a start of five minutes by the clock and then to receive the present company inquiring for miss at the office of and whose i am my aunt and i looked at who nodded his approval i have no more observed mr to say at present with which to my infinite surprise he included us all in a comprehensive bow and disappeared his manner being extremely distant and his face extremely pale only smiled and shook his head with his hair on the top of it when i looked to him for an explanation so i took out my watch and as a last resource counted off the five the personal history and experience minutes my aunt with her own watch in her hand did the like when the time was expired gave her his arm and we all went out together to the old house without saying one word on the way we found mr at his desk in the office on the ground floor either writing or pretending to write hard the large office ruler was stuck into his waistcoat and was not so well concealed but that a foot or more of that instrument from his bosom like a new kind of shirt as it appeared to me that i was expected to speak i said aloud how do you do mr mr said mr gravely i hope i see you well is miss at home said i mr is in bed sir of a fever he returned but miss i have no doubt will be happy to see old friends will you walk in sir he preceded us to the dining room the first room i had entered in that house and flinging open the door of mr s former office said in a voice miss mr david mr thomas and mr i had not seen since the time of the blow our visit astonished him evidently not the less i dare say because it astonished ourselves he did not gather his eyebrows together for he had none worth mentioning but he frowned to that degree that he almost closed his small eyes while the hurried raising of his hand to his chin betrayed some or surprise this was only when we were in the act of entering his room and when i caught a glance at him over my aunt s shoulder a moment afterwards he was as and as humble as ever well i am sure he said this is indeed an unexpected pleasure to have as i may say all friends round saint paul s at once is a treat for mr i hope i see you well and if i may express self so friendly towards them as is ever your friends whether or not mrs sir i hope she s getting on we have been made quite uneasy by the poor accounts we have had of her state lately i do assure you i felt ashamed to let him take my hand but i did not know yet what else to do things are changed in this office miss since i was a clerk and held your pony ain t they said with his smile but jam not changed miss well sir returned my aunt to tell you the truth i think you are pretty constant to the promise of your youth if that s any satisfaction to you thank you miss said in his manner for your good opinion tell em to let miss know and mother mother will be quite in a state when she sees the present company said setting chairs you are not busy mr said whose eye the cunning red eye accidentally caught as it at once and us no mr replied his official seat and his bony hands laid palm to palm between his bony knees op david not so much so as i could wish but lawyers and are not easily satisfied you know not but what myself and have our hands pretty full in general on account of mr s being hardly fit for any occupation sir but it s a pleasure as well as a duty i am sure to work for mm you ve not been intimate with mr i think mr i believe i ve only had the honor of seeing you once myself no i have not been intimate with mr returned or i might perhaps have waited on you long ago mr there was something in the tone of this reply which made look at the speaker again with a very sinister and suspicious expression but seeing only with his good natured face simple manner and hair on end he dismissed it as he replied with a jerk of his whole body but especially his throat i am sorry for that mr you would have admired him as much as we all do his little would only have him to you the more but if you would like to hear my fellow partner spoken of i should refer you to the family	8
some rubbing of the lower part of his face and some looking at us with those bad eyes over his fingers he made one more address to me half and half you think it do you you who pride yourself so much on your honor and all the rest of it to about my place dropping with my clerk if it had been me i shouldn t have wondered for i don t make myself out a gentleman though i never was in the streets either as you were according to but being you and you re not afraid of doing this either you don t think at all of what i shall do in return or of getting yourself into trouble for conspiracy and so forth very well we shall see mr what s your name you were going to refer some question to there s your why don t you make him speak he has learnt his lesson i see seeing that what he said had no effect on me or any of us he sat on the edge of his table with his hands in his pockets and one of his feet twisted round the other leg waiting for what might follow mr whose i had restrained thus far with the greatest difficulty and who had repeatedly interposed with the first syllable of without getting to the second now burst forward drew the ruler from his breast apparently as a weapon and produced from his pocket a document folded in the form of a large letter opening this packet with his old flourish and glancing at the contents as if he cherished an artistic admiration of their style of composition he began to read as follows dear miss and gentlemen bless and save the man exclaimed my aunt in a low voice he d write letters by the if it was a capital offence mr without hearing her went on in appearing before you to probably the most villain that has ever existed mr without looking off the letter pointed the ruler like a ghostly at i ask no consideration for myself the victim from my cradle of pecuniary to which i have been unable to respond i have ever been the sport and toy of circumstances want despair and madness have or separately been the attendants of my career the relish with which mr described himself as a prey to these dismal was only to be equalled by the emphasis with which he read his letter and the kind of homage he rendered to it with a roll of his head when he thought he had hit a sentence very hard indeed in an of want despair and madness i entered the office or as our lively neighbour the would term it m m z the personal history and experience the of the firm conducted under the of and but in reality by alone and only is the of that machine and only is the and the cheat more blue than white at these words made a dart at the letter as if to tear it in pieces mr with a perfect miracle of dexterity or luck caught his advancing with the ruler and his right hand it dropped at the wrist as if it were broken the blow sounded as if it had fallen on wood the devil take you said in a new way with pain i be even with you approach me again you you you of gasped mr and if your head is human i break it come on come on i think i never saw anything more i was sensible of it even at the time than mr making broad sword guards with the ruler and crying come on while and i pushed him back into a corner from which as often as we got him into it he persisted in emerging again his enemy muttering to himself after wringing his wounded hand for some time slowly drew oft his neck and bound it up then held it in his other hand and sat upon his table with his sullen face looking down mr when he was sufficiently cool proceeded with his letter the in consideration of which i entered into the service of always pausing before that word and uttering it with astonishing vigor were not defined beyond the of shillings and six per week the rest was left on the value of my professional exertions in other and more expressive words on the of my nature the of my motives the poverty of my family the general moral or rather resemblance between myself and need i say that it soon became necessary for me to from pecuniary advances towards the support of mrs and our but rising family need i say that this necessity had been foreseen by that those advances were secured by i o u s and other similar known to the legal institutions of this country and that i thus became in the web he had spun for my reception mr s enjoyment of his powers in describing this unfortunate state of things really seemed to any pain or anxiety that the reality could have caused him he read on then it was that began to favor me with just so much of his confidence as was necessary to the discharge of his infernal business then it was that i began if i may so express myself to peak and pine i found that my services were constantly called into for the of business and the of an individual whom i will as mr w that mr w was imposed upon kept in ignorance and in every possible way yet that all this while the was unbounded gratitude to and unbounded friendship for that much abused gentleman this was bad enough but as the philosophic with that universal which	8
the illustrious ornament of the era worse remains behind of david mr was so very much struck by this happy off with a quotation that he indulged himself and us with a second reading of the sentence under pretence of having lost his place it is not my intention he continued reading on to enter on a detailed list within the compass of the present though it is ready elsewhere of the various of a minor nature affecting the individual whom i have mr w to which i have been a party my object when the contest within myself between and no baker and no baker existence and non existence ceased was to take advantage of my opportunities to discover and expose the major committed to that gentleman s grievous wrong and injury by stimulated by the silent within and by a no less touching and appealing without to whom i will briefly refer as miss w i entered on a not task of investigation protracted now to the best of knowledge information and belief over a period exceeding twelve months he read this passage as if it were from an act of parliament and appeared refreshed by the sound of the words my charges against he read on glancing at him and drawing the ruler into a convenient position under his left arm in case of need c are as follows we all held our breath i think i am sure held his first said mr when mr w s faculties and memory for business became through causes into which it is not necessary or expedient for me to enter weakened and confused perplexed and complicated the whole of the official transactions when mr w was least fit to enter on business was always at hand to force him to enter on it he obtained mr w s signature under such circumstances to documents of importance representing them to be other documents of no importance he induced mr w to him to draw out thus one particular sum of trust money to twelve six fourteen two and nine and employed it to meet pretended business charges and which were either already provided for or had never really existed he gave this proceeding throughout the appearance of having originated in mr w s own intention and of having been accomplished by mr w s own act and has used it ever since to torture and him you shall prove this you said with a threatening shake of the head all in good time ask mr who lived in his house after him said mr breaking off from the letter will you the fool himself and lives there now said ask if he ever kept a pocket book in that house said mr will you i saw s hand stop involuntarily in the of his chin or ask him said mr if he ever burnt one there if he says yes and asks you where the ashes are refer him to and he will hear of something not at all to his advantage the triumphant flourish with which mr delivered himself of these words had a powerful effect in alarming the mother who cried out in much agitation the personal history and experience be unable and make terms my dear mother lie retorted will you keep quiet you re in a fright and don t know what you say or mean he repeated looking at me with a i ve some of em for a pretty long time back as i was mr his chin in his presently proceeded with his composition second has on several occasions to the best of my knowledge information and belief but that won t do muttered relieved mother you keep quiet we will endeavour to provide something that will do and do for you finally sir very shortly replied mr second has on several occasions to the best of my knowledge information and belief to various books and documents the signature of mr w and has distinctly done so in one instance capable of proof by me to wit in manner following that is to say again mr had a relish in this formal up of words which however displayed in his case was i must say not at all peculiar to him i have observed it in the course of my life in numbers of men it seems to me to be a general rule in the taking of legal oaths for instance seem to enjoy themselves when they come to several good words in succession for the expression of one idea as that they utterly and or so forth and the old were made on the same principle we talk about the tyranny of words but we like to over them too we are fond of having a large superfluous establishment of words to wait upon us on great occasions we think it looks important and sounds well as we are not particular about the meaning of our on state occasions if they be but fine and numerous enough so the meaning or necessity of our words is a secondary consideration if there be but a great parade of them and as individuals get into trouble by making too great a show of or as slaves when they are too numerous rise against their masters so i think i could mention a nation that has got into many great difficulties and will get into many greater from maintaining too large a of words mr read on almost his lips to wit in manner following that is to say mr w being and it being within the bounds of probability that his might lead to some discoveries and to the of s power over the w family as i the assume unless the filial affection of his daughter could be secretly influenced from allowing any investigation	8
much imprisonment on civil process and want will soon do more i trust that the labor and hazard of an investigation of which the smallest results have been slowly together in the pressure of under grinding apprehensions at rise of at eve in the shadows of night under the watchful eye of one whom it were superfluous to call demon combined with the struggle of parental poverty to turn it when completed to the right account may be as the of a few drops of sweet water on my i ask no more let it be in justice merely said of me as of a gallant and eminent naval hero with whom i have no pretensions to cope that what i have done i did in despite of and selfish objects for england home and beauty remaining always c c s much affected but still intensely enjoying himself mr folded up his letter and handed it with a bow to my aunt as something she might like to keep there was as i had noticed on my first visit long ago an iron safe in the room the key was in it a hasty suspicion seemed to strike of david and witli a glance at mr he went to it and threw the doors open it was empty where are the books he cried with a frightful face some thief has stolen the books mr tapped himself with the ruler i did when i got the key from you as usual but a little earlier and opened it this morning don t be uneasy said they have come into my possession i will take care of them under the authority i mentioned you receive stolen goods do you cried under such circumstances answered yes what was my astonishment when i beheld my aunt who had been profoundly quiet and attentive make a dart at and seize him by the collar with both hands you know what want said my aunt a strait waistcoat said he no my property returned my aunt my dear as long as i believed it had been really made away with by your father i wouldn t and my dear i didn t even to trot as he knows breathe a syllable of its having been placed here for but now i know this fellow s for it and i have it trot come and take it away from him whether my aunt supposed for the moment that he kept her property in his neck i am sure i don t know but she certainly pulled at it as if she thought so i hastened to put myself between them and to assure her that we would all take care that he should make the utmost of everything he had got this and a few moments reflection her but she was not at all disconcerted by what she had done though i cannot say as much for her bonnet and resumed her seat during the last few minutes mrs had been to her son to be and had been going down on her knees to all of us in succession and making the wildest promises her son sat her down in his chair and standing by her holding her arm with his hand but not rudely said to me with a ferocious look what do you want done i will tell you what must be done said has that no tongue muttered i would do a good deal for you if you could tell me without lying that somebody had cut it out my means to be cried his mother don t mind what he says good gentlemen what must be done said is this first the deed of that we have heard of must be given over to me now here suppose i haven t got it he interrupted but you have said therefore you know we won t suppose so and i cannot help that this was the first occasion on which i really did justice to the clear head and the plain patient practical good sense of my old then said you must prepare to all that your has become possessed of and to make restoration to the last all the books and papers must remain in our possession all your books and papers all money accounts and of both kinds in short everything here the personal history and experience must it i don t know that said i must have time to think about that certainly replied but in the meanwhile and until everything is done to our satisfaction we shall maintain possession of these things and beg you in short compel you to keep your own room and hold no communication with any one i won t do it said with an oath jail is a safer place of observed and though the law may be longer in us and may not be able to right us so completely as you can there is no doubt of its you dear me you know that quite as well as i will you go round to the and bring a couple of officers here mrs broke out again crying on her knees to to interfere in their behalf exclaiming that he was very humble and it was all true and if he didn t do what we wanted she would and much more to the same purpose being half frantic with fears for her darling to inquire what he might have done if he had had any boldness would be like inquiring what a cur might do if it had the spirit of a tiger he was a coward from head to foot and showed his nature through his and mortification as much as at any time of his mean life stop he growled to me and wiped his hot face with his hand mother hold your noise well let em have that deed	8
go and fetch it do you help her mr dick said if you please proud of his commission and understanding it mr dick accompanied her as a shepherd s dog might accompany a sheep but mrs gave him little trouble for she not only returned with the deed but with the box in which it was where we found a banker s book and some other papers that were afterwards serviceable good said when this was brought now mr you can retire to think particularly observing if you please that i declare to you on the part of all present that there is only one thing to be done that it is what i have explained and that it must be done without delay without lifting his eyes from the ground across the room with his hand to his chin and pausing at the door said i have always hated you you ve always been an and you ve always been against me as i think i told you once before said i it is you who have been in your and cunning against all the world it may be profitable to you to reflect in future that there never were and cunning in the world yet that did not do too much and over reach themselves it is as certain as death or as certain as they used to teach at school the same school where i picked up so much from nine o clock to eleven that labor was a curse and from eleven o clock to one that it was a blessing and a cheerfulness and a dignity and i don t know what all eh said he with a sneer you preach about as consistent as they did won t go down i shouldn t have got round my gentleman fellow partner without it i think you old bully i pay you mr defiant of him and his extended finger and making a great deal of his chest until he had out at the door i k y r i of david then addressed himself to me and proffered me the satisfaction of witnessing the re establishment of mutual confidence between himself and mrs after which he invited the company generally to the contemplation of that affecting spectacle the veil that has long been interposed between mrs and myself is now withdrawn said mr and my children and the author of their being can once more come in contact on equal terms as we were all very grateful to him and all desirous to show that we were as well as the hurry and disorder of our spirits would permit i dare say we should all have gone but that it was necessary for to return to her father as yet unable to bear more than the dawn of hope and for some one else to hold in safe keeping so remained for the latter purpose to be presently relieved by mr dick and mr dick my aunt and i went home with mr as i parted hurriedly from the dear girl to whom i owed so much and thought from what she had been saved perhaps that morning her better resolution notwithstanding i felt devoutly thankful for the miseries of my younger days which had brought me to the knowledge of mr his house was not far off and as the street door opened into the sitting room and he bolted in with a quite his own we found ourselves at once in the bosom of the family mr exclaiming my life rushed into mrs s arms mrs shrieked and folded mr in her embrace miss nursing the unconscious stranger of mrs s last letter to me was sensibly affected the stranger leaped the their joy by several inconvenient but innocent master whose disposition appeared to have been by early disappointment and whose aspect had become yielded to his better feelings and said mr the cloud is past from my mind mutual confidence so long preserved between us once is restored to know no farther interruption now welcome poverty cried mr shedding tears welcome misery welcome welcome hunger rags tempest and mutual confidence will sustain us to the end with these expressions mr placed mrs in a chair and embraced the family all round a variety of bleak prospects which appeared to the best of my judgment to be anything but welcome to them and calling upon them to come out into and sing a chorus as nothing else was left for their support but mrs having in the strength of her emotions fainted away the first thing to be done even before the chorus could be considered complete was to recover her this my aunt and mr did and then my aunt was introduced and mrs recognised me excuse me dear mr said the poor lady giving me her hand but i am not strong and the removal of the late misunderstanding between mr and myself was at first too much for me is this all your family ma am said my aunt there are no more at present returned mrs good gracious i didn t mean that ma am said my aunt i mean are all these yours the personal history and experience madam replied mr it is a true bill and that eldest young gentleman now said my aunt musing what has he been brought up to it was my hope when i came here said mr to have got into the church or perhaps i shall express my meaning more strictly if i say the choir but there was no for a tenor in the venerable pile for which this city is so justly eminent and he has in short he has contracted a habit of singing in public houses rather than in sacred but he means well said mrs tenderly i dare say my love rejoined mr that he means particularly well but i have not	8
yet found that he carries out his meaning in any given direction whatsoever master s of aspect returned upon him again and he demanded with some temper what he was to do whether he had been born a carpenter or a coach painter any more than he had been born a bird whether he could go into the next street and open a s shop whether he could rush to the next and proclaim himself a lawyer whether he could come out by force at the opera and succeed by violence whether he could do anything without being brought up to something my aunt mused a little while and then said mr i wonder you have never turned your thoughts to madam returned mr it was the dream of my youth and the of my years i am thoroughly persuaded by the bye that he had never thought of it in his life aye said my aunt with a glance at me why what a thing it would be for yourselves and your family mr and mrs if you were to now capital madam capital urged mr gloomily that is the principal i may say the only difficulty my dear mr assented his wife capital cried my aunt but you are doing us a great service have done us a great service i may say for surely much will come out of the fire and what could we do for you that would be half so good as to find the capital i could not receive it as a gift said mr full of fire and animation but if a sufficient sum could be advanced say at five per cent interest per upon my personal say my notes of hand at twelve eighteen and twenty four months to allow time for something to turn up could be can be and shall be on your own terms returned my aunt if you say the word think of this now both of you here are some people david knows going out to shortly if you decide to go why shouldn t you go in the same ship you may help each other think of this now mr and mrs take your time and weigh it well there is but one question my dear ma am i could wish to ask said mrs the climate i believe is healthy finest in the world said my aunt op david just so returned mrs then my question arises now are the circumstances of the country such that a man of mr s abilities would have a fair chance of rising in the social scale i will not say at present might he to be governor or anything of that sort but would there be a reasonable opening for his talents to develop themselves that would be amply sufficient and find their own no better opening anywhere said my aunt for a man who himself well and is industrious for a man who himself well repeated mrs with her business manner and is industrious precisely it is evident to me that is the legitimate sphere of action for mr i entertain the conviction my dear madam said mr that it is under existing circumstances the land the only land for myself and family and that something of an extraordinary nature will turn up on that shore it is no distance comparatively speaking and though consideration is due to the kindness of your proposal i assure you that is a mere matter of form shall i ever forget how in a moment he was the most sanguine of men looking on to fortune or how mrs presently about the habits of the shall i ever recall that street of on a market day without recalling him as he walked back with us expressing in the hardy manner he assumed the unsettled habits of a temporary in the land and looking at the as they came by with the eye of an farmer chapter another i must pause yet once again my child wife there is a figure in the moving crowd before my memory quiet and still saying in its innocent love and childish beauty stop to think of me turn to look upon the little blossom as it to the ground i do all else grows dim and away i am again with in our cottage i do not know how long she has been ill i am so used to it in feeling that i cannot count the time it is not really long in weeks or months but in my usage and experience it is a weary weary while they have left off telling me to wait a few days more i have begun to fear that the day may never shine when i shall see my running in the sunlight with her old friend he is as it were suddenly grown very old it may be that he in his mistress something that him and made him younger but he and his sight is weak and his limbs are feeble and my aunt is sorry that he objects to her no more but near her as he lies on s bed she sitting at the bedside and mildly her hand lies smiling on us and is beautiful and no hasty or complaining word she says that we are very good to her that her dear old careful boy is himself out she knows that my aunt has no sleep yet is always active and kind sometimes the little bird like the personal history and experience ladies come to see her and then we talk about our wedding day and all that happy time what a strange rest and pause in my life there seems to be and in all life within doors and without when i sit in the quiet shaded orderly room with the blue eyes of my child wife turned	8
towards me and her little fingers round my hand many and many an hour i sit thus but of all those times three times come the on my mind it is morning and made so trim by my aunt s hands me how her pretty hair will curl upon the pillow yet and how long and bright it is and how she likes to have it loosely gathered in that net she wears i not that i am vain of it now you mocking boy she says when i smile but because you used to say you thought it so beautiful and because when i first began to think about you i used to peep in the glass and wonder whether you would like very much to have a lock of it oh what a foolish fellow you were when i gave you one that was on the day when you were painting the flowers i had given you and when i told you how much in love i was ah but i didn t like to tell you says then how i had cried over them because i believed you really liked me when i can run about again as i used to do let us go and see those places where we were such a silly couple shall we and take some of the old walks and not forget poor papa yes we will and have some happy days so you must make haste to get well my dear oh i shall soon do that i am so much better you don t know it is evening and i sit in the same chair by the same bed with the same face turned towards me we have been silent and there is a smile upon her face i have ceased to carry my light burden up and down stairs now she lies here all the day my dear you won t think what i am going to say unreasonable after what you told me such a little while ago of mr s not being well i want to see very much i want to see her i will write to her my dear will you directly what a good kind boy take me on your arm indeed my dear it s not a whim it s not a foolish fancy i want very much indeed to see her i am certain of it i have only to tell her so and she is sure to come you are very lonely when you go down stairs now whispers with her arm about my neck how can i be otherwise my own love when i see your empty chair my empty chair she to me for a little while in silence and you really miss me looking up and brightly smiling even poor giddy stupid me my heart who is there upon earth that i could miss so much oh husband i am so glad yet so sorry creeping closer to me of david and folding me in both her arms she laughs and sobs and then is quiet and quite happy quite she says only give my dear love and tell her that i want very very much to see her and i have nothing left to wish for except to get well again ah sometimes i think you know i always was a silly little thing that that will never be don t say so dearest love don t think so i won t if i can help it but i am very happy though my dear boy is so lonely by himself before his child wife s empty chair it is night and i am with her still has arrived has been among us for a whole day and an evening she my aunt and i have sat with since the morning all together we have not talked much but has been perfectly contented and cheerful we are now alone do i know now that my child wife will soon leave me they have told me so they have told me nothing new to my thoughts but i am far from sure that i have taken that truth to heart i cannot master it i have withdrawn by myself many times to day to weep i have remembered who wept for a parting between the living and the dead i have me of all that gracious and compassionate history i have tried to resign myself and to console myself and that i hope i may have done imperfectly but what i cannot firmly settle in my mind is that the end will absolutely come i hold her hand in mine i hold her heart in mine i see her love for me alive in all its strength i cannot shut out a pale lingering shadow of belief that she will be spared i am going to speak to you i am going to say something i have often thought of saying lately you won t mind with a gentle look mind my darling because i don t know what you will think or what you may have thought sometimes perhaps you have often thought the same dear i am afraid i was too young i lay my face upon the pillow by her and she looks into my eyes and speaks very softly gradually as she goes on i feel with a stricken heart that she is speaking of herself as past lam afraid dear i was too young i don t mean in years only but in experience and thoughts and everything i was such a silly little creature i am afraid it would have been better if we had only loved each other as a boy and girl and forgotten it i have begun to think i was not fit to be a wife i try to stay my tears and to reply oh love as fit as i to be a husband	8
i don t know with the old shake of her curls perhaps but if i had been more fit to be married i might have made you more so too besides you are very clever and i never was we have been very happy my sweet i was very happy very but as years went on my dear boy would have wearied of his child wife she would have been less and less a companion for him he would have been more and more sensible of what was wanting in his home she wouldn t have improved it is better as the personal history and experience oh dearest dearest do not speak to me so every word seems a no not a syllable she answers kissing me oh my dear you never deserved it and i loved you far too well to say a word to you in earnest it was all the merit i had except being pretty or you thought me so is it lonely down stairs very very don t cry is my chair there in its old place oh how my poor boy cries hush hush now make me one promise i want to speak to when you go down stairs tell so and send her up to me and while i speak to her let no one come not even aunt i want to speak to by herself i want to speak to quite alone i promise that she shall immediately but i cannot leave her for my grief i said that it was better as it is she whispers as she holds me in her arms oh after more years you never could have loved your child wife better than you do and after more years she would so have tried and disappointed you that you might not have been able to love her half so well i know i was too young and foolish it is much better as it is is down stairs when i go into the parlor and i give her the message she leaving me alone with his chinese house is by the fire and he lies within it on his bed of flannel trying to sleep the bright moon is high and clear as i look out on the night my tears fall fast and my heart is heavily heavily i sit down by the fire thinking with a blind remorse of all those secret feelings i have nourished since my marriage i think of every little trifle between me and and feel the truth that trifles make the sum of life ever rising from the sea of my remembrance is the image of the dear child as i knew her first by my young love and by her own with every fascination wherein such love is rich would it indeed have been better if we had loved each other as a boy and girl and forgotten it heart reply how the time wears i know not until i am recalled by my child wife s old companion more restless than he was he out of his house and looks at me and to the door and to go up stairs not to night not to night he comes very slowly back to me my hand and lifts his dim eyes to my face o it may be never again he lies down at my feet stretches himself out as if to sleep and with a plaintive cry is dead look look here that face so full of pity and of grief that rain of tears that awful mute appeal to me that solemn hand towards heaven it is over darkness comes before my eyes and for a time all things are blotted out of my remembrance o a ite z of david chapter me s transactions this is not the time at which i am to enter on the state of my mind beneath its load of sorrow i came to think that the future was walled up before me that the energy and action of my life were at an end that i never could find any refuge but in the grave i came to think so i say but not in the first shock of my grief it slowly grew to that if the events i go on to relate had not around me in the beginning to and in the end to my affliction it is possible though i think not probable that i might have fallen at once into this condition as it was an interval occurred before i fully knew my own distress an interval in which i even supposed that its pangs were past and when my mind could soothe itself by resting on all that was most innocent and beautiful in the tender story that was closed for ever when it was first proposed that i should go abroad or how it came to be agreed among us that i was to seek the restoration of my peace in change and travel i do not even now distinctly know the spirit of so pervaded all we thought and said and did in that time of sorrow that i assume i may refer the project to her influence but her influence was so quiet that i know no more and now indeed i began to think that in my old association of her with the stained glass window in the church a prophetic of what she would be to me in the calamity that was to happen in the of time had found a way into my mind in all that sorrow from the moment never to be forgotten when she stood before me with her hand she was like a sacred presence in my lonely house when the angel of death alighted there my child wife fell asleep they told me so when i could bear to hear it on her bosom	8
the hand when the lion should lie down with the lamb and my family be on terms with mr i said i thought so too this at least is the light my dear mr pursued mrs in which view the subject when i lived at home with my papa and my papa was accustomed to ask when any point was under discussion in our limited circle in what light does my view the subject that my papa was too partial i know still on such a point as the coldness which has ever and my family i necessarily have formed an opinion though it may be no doubt of course you have ma am said my aunt precisely so assented mrs now i be wrong in my conclusions it is very likely that lam but my individual impression is that the gulf between my family and mr may be traced to an apprehension on the part of my family that mr would require pecuniary accommodation i cannot help thinking i said mrs with an air of deep sagacity that there are members of my family who have been apprehensive that mr would them for their names i do not mean to be conferred in upon our children but to be inscribed on bills of exchange and in the money market n n s the personal a d experience the look of penetration with which mrs announced discovery as if no one had ever thought of it before seemed rather to astonish my aunt who abruptly replied ma am upon the whole i shouldn t wonder if you were right mr being now on the eve of casting off the pecuniary that hare so long him said mrs and of a new career in a country where there is sufficient range for abilities which in my opinion is exceedingly important mr s abilities peculiarly requiring space it seems to me that my family should the occasion by coming forward t i could wish to see would be a meeting between mr and my family at a entertainment to be given at my family s where mr s health and prosperity being proposed by some leading member of my family mr might have an opportunity of developing his views my dear said mr with some heat it may be better for me to state distinctly at once that if i were to develop my views to that assembled group they would possibly be found of an offensive nature my impression being that your family are in the impertinent and in detail said mrs shaking her head no you have never understood them and they have never understood you mr they have never understood you said his wife they may be incapable of it if so that is their misfortune i can pity their misfortune i am extremely sorry my dear said mr to have been betrayed into any expressions that might even have the appearance of being strong expressions all i would say is that i can go abroad without your family coming forward to favor me in short with a parting of their cold shoulders and that upon the whole i would rather leave england with such as i possess than derive any of it from that quarter at the same time my dear if they should condescend to reply to your communications which our joint experience renders most improbable far be it from me to be a barrier to your wishes the matter being thus settled mr gave mrs his arm and glancing at the heap of books and papers lying before on the table said they would leave us to ourselves which they did my dear said leaning back in his chair when they were gone and looking at me with an affection that made his eyes red and his hair all kinds of shapes i don t make any excuse for troubling you with business because i know you are deeply interested in it and it may divert your thoughts my dear boy i hope you are not worn out i am quite myself said i after a pause we have more cause to think of mv aunt than of one you know how much she has done surely surely answered who can forget it of david but even that is not all said i during the last fortnight some new trouble has vexed her and she has been in and out of london several times she has gone out early and been absent until evening last night with this journey before her it was almost midnight before she came home you know what her consideration for others is she will not tell me what has happened to distress her my aunt very pale and with deep lines in her face sat immovable until i had finished when some stray tears found their way to her cheeks and she put her hand on mine it s nothing trot it s nothing there will be no more of it you shall know by and by now my dear let us attend to these affairs i must do mr the justice to say began that although he would appear not to have worked to any good account for himself he is a most man when he works for other people i never such a fellow if he always goes on in the same way he must be about two hundred years old at present the heat into which he has been continually putting himself and the distracted and impetuous manner in which he has been day and night among papers and books to say nothing of the immense number of letters he has written me between this house and mr s and often across the table when he has been sitting opposite and might much more easily have spoken is quite extraordinary letters cried my aunt i believe he dreams in letters there s	8
a pretended principal which he knew did not exist made himself unhappily a party to the fraud and at last took the blame upon himself added my aunt and wrote me a mad letter charging himself with robbery and wrong unheard of upon which i paid him a visit early one morning called for a candle burnt the letter and told him if he ever could right me and himself to do it and if he couldn t to keep his own counsel for his daughter s sake if anybody speaks to me i leave the house we all remained quiet covering her face well my dear friend said my aunt after a pause and you have really the money back from him why the fact is returned mr so completely hemmed him in and was always ready with so many new points if an old one failed that he could not escape from us a most remarkable circumstance is that i really don t think he grasped this sum even so much for the gratification of his which was as in the hatred he felt for he said so to me plainly he said he would even have spent as much to or injure ha said my aunt knitting her brows thoughtfully and glancing at and what s become of him i don t know he left here said with his mother who had been and and the whole time they went away by one of the london night and i know no more about him except that his to me at parting was audacious he seemed to consider himself hardly less indebted to me than to mr which i consider as i told him quite a compliment do you suppose he has any money i asked oh dear yes i should think so he replied shaking his head the personal history and experience seriously c i should say lie must have a good deal in one way or other but i think you would find if you had an opportunity of observing his course that money would never keep that man out of mischief he is such an that whatever object he he must pursue it s his only compensation for the outward he puts upon himself always creeping along the ground to some small end or other he will always every object in the way and consequently will hate and suspect every body that comes in the most innocent manner between him and it so the crooked courses will become at any moment for the least reason or for none it s only necessary to consider his history here said dies to know that he s a monster of meanness said my aunt really i don t know about that observed thoughtfully many people can be very mean when they give their minds to it and now touching mr said my aunt well really said cheerfully i must once more give mr high praise but for his having been so patient and for so long a time we never could have hoped to do anything worth speaking of and i think we ought to consider that mr did right for right s sake when we reflect what terms he might have made with himself for his silence i think so too said i now what would you give him inquired my aunt oh before you come to that said a little disconcerted i am afraid i thought it discreet to omit not being able to carry everything before me two points in making this lawless for it s perfectly lawless from beginning to end of a difficult affair those i xl s and so forth which mr gave him for the advances he well they must be paid said my aunt yes but i don t know when they may be proceeded on or where they are rejoined opening his eyes and i anticipate that between this time and his departure mr will be constantly arrested or taken in execution then he must be constantly set free again and taken out of execution said my aunt what s the amount altogether why mr has entered the transactions he calls them transactions with great form in a book rejoined smiling and he makes the amount a hundred and three pounds five now what shall we give him that sum included said my aunt my dear you and i can talk about division of it afterwards what should it be five hundred pounds upon this and i both struck in at once we both recommended a small sum in money and the payment without to mr of the claims as they came in we proposed that the family should have their passage and their and a hundred pounds and that mr s arrangement for the of the advances should be gravely entered into as it might be wholesome for him to suppose himself under that responsibility to this of david i added the suggestion that i should give some explanation of his character and history to mr who i knew could be relied on and that to mr should be quietly the discretion of advancing another hundred i further proposed to interest mr in mr by confiding so much of mr s story to him as i might feel justified in relating or might think expedient and to endeavour to bring each of them to bear upon the other for the common advantage we all entered warmly into these views and i may mention at once that the themselves did so shortly afterwards with perfect good will and harmony seeing that now glanced anxiously at my aunt again i reminded him of the second and last point to which he had you and your aunt will excuse me if i touch upon a painful theme as i greatly fear i shall said hesitating but i think it necessary to bring it to your recollection	8
of town to the churchyard at better here than in the streets said my aunt he was born here we alighted and followed the plain coffin to a corner i remember well where the service was read it to the dust six and thirty years ago this day my dear said my aunt as we walked back to the chariot i was married god forgive us all we took our seats in silence and so she sat beside me for a long time holding my hand at length she suddenly burst into tears and said he was a fine looking man when i married him trot and he was sadly changed it did not last long after the relief of tears she soon became composed and even cheerful her nerves were a little shaken she said or she would not have given way to it god forgive us all so we rode back to her little cottage at where we found the following short note which had arrived by that morning s post from mr friday my dear madam and land of promise lately on the horizon is again enveloped in impenetrable mists and for ever withdrawn from the eyes of a drifting wretch whose doom is sealed another writ has been issued in his majesty s high court of king s bench at westminster in another cause of keep v and the in that cause is the prey of the in this i now s the day and now s the hour see the front of battle lower see approach proud edward s power chains and slavery j consigned to which and to a speedy end for mental torture is not beyond a certain point and that point i feel i have attained my course is run bless you bless you some future traveller visiting the personal history and experience from motives of curiosity not let us hope with sympathy the place of confinement allotted to in this city may and i trust will as he traces on its wall inscribed with a rusty nail the obscure w m p s i re open this to say that our common friend mr thomas who has not yet left us and is looking extremely well has paid the debt and costs in the noble name of miss and that myself and family are at the height of earthly bliss chapter ly tempest i now approach an event in my life so so awful so bound by an infinite variety of ties to all that has preceded it in these pages that from the beginning of my narrative i have seen it growing larger and larger as i advanced like a great tower in a plain and throwing its fore cast shadow even on the incidents of my childish days years after it occurred i dreamed of it often i have started up so vividly impressed by it that its fury has yet seemed raging in my quiet room in the still night i dream of it sometimes though at lengthened and uncertain intervals to this hour i have an association between it and a stormy wind or the mention of a sea shore as strong as any of which my mind is conscious as plainly as i behold what happened i will try to write it down i do not it but see it done for it happens again before me the time drawing on rapidly for the sailing of the ship my good old nurse almost broken hearted for me when we first met came up to london i was constantly with her and her brother and the they being very much together but i never saw one evening when the time was close at hand i was alone with and her brother our conversation turned on ham she described to us how tenderly he had taken leave of her and how and quietly he had borne himself most of all of late when she believed he was most tried it was a subject of which the affectionate creature never tired and our interest in hearing the many examples which she who was so much with him had to relate was equal to hers in relating them my aunt and i were at that time the two cottages at i intending to go abroad and she to return to her house at we had a temporary lodging in garden as i walked home to it after this evening s conversation reflecting on what had passed between ham and myself when i was last at i wavered in the original of david purpose i had formed of leaving a letter for when i should take leave of her uncle on board the ship and thought it would be better to write to her now she might desire i thought after receiving my communication to send some parting word by me to her unhappy lover i ought to give her the opportunity i therefore sat down in my room before going to bed and wrote to her i told her that i had seen him and that he had requested me to tell her what i have already written in its place in these sheets i faithfully repeated it i had no need to upon it if i had had the right its deep fidelity and goodness were not to be adorned by me or any man i left it out to be sent round in the morning with a line to mr him to give it to her and went to bed at daybreak i was weaker than i knew then and not falling asleep until the sun was up lay late and next day i was roused hj the silent presence of my aunt at my bedside i felt it in my sleep as i suppose we all do feel such things trot my dear she said when i opened my eyes i couldn t make	8
up my mind to disturb you mr is here shall he come up i replied yes and he soon appeared r he said when we had shaken hands i your letter sir and she writ this and begged of me fur to ask you to read it and if you see no hurt in t to be so kind as take charge on t have you read it said i he nodded sorrowfully i opened it and read as follows i have got your message oh what can i write to thank you for your good and blessed kindness to me i have put the words close to my heart i shall keep them till i die they are sharp thorns but they are such comfort i have prayed over them oh i have prayed so much when i find what you are and what uncle is i think what god must be and can cry to him good bye for ever now my dear my friend good bye for ever in this world in another world if i am forgiven i may wake a child and come to you all thanks and blessings farewell this blotted with tears was the letter may i tell her as you t see no hurt in t and as you be so kind as take charge on t r said mr when i had read it unquestionably said i but i am thinking yes r i am thinking said i that i go down again to there s time and to spare for me to go and come back before the ship sails my mind is constantly running on him in his solitude to put this letter of her writing in his hand at this time and to enable you to tell her in the moment of parting that he has got it will be a kindness to both of them i solemnly accepted his commission dear good fellow and cannot discharge it too completely the journey is nothing to me i am restless and shall be better in motion i go down to night though he anxiously endeavoured to me i saw that he was of the personal history and experience my mind and this if i had required to be confirmed in my intention would have had the effect he went round to the coach office at my request and took the box seat for me on the mail in the evening started by that conveyance down the road i had traversed under so many don t you think that i asked the coachman in the first stage out of london a very remarkable sky i don t remember to have seen one like it nor i not equal to it he replied that s wind sir there ii be mischief done at sea i expect before long it was a confusion here and there blotted with a colour like the colour of the smoke from damp fuel of flying clouds tossed up into most remarkable heaps suggesting greater heights in the clouds than there were depths below them to the bottom of the deepest hollows in the earth through which the wild moon seemed to plunge headlong as if in a dread disturbance of the laws of nature she had lost her way and were frightened there had been a wind all day and it was rising then with an extraordinary great sound in another hour it had much increased and the sky was more and it blew hard but as the night advanced the clouds closing in and the whole sky then very dark it came on to blow harder and harder it still increased until our horses could scarcely face the wind many times in the dark part of the night it was then late in september when the nights were not short the leaders turned about or came to a dead stop and we were often in serious apprehension that the coach would be blown over sweeping of rain came up before this storm like showers of steel and at those times when there was any shelter of trees or lee walls to be got we were fain to stop in a sheer impossibility of continuing the struggle when the day broke it blew harder and harder i had been in when the said it blew great guns but i had the like of this or anything approaching to it we came to very late having had to fight every inch of ground since we were ten miles out of london and found a cluster of people in the market place who had risen from their beds in the night fearful of falling chimneys some of these about the inn yard while we changed horses told us of great sheets of lead having been off a high church tower and flung into a bye street which they then blocked up others had to tell of country people coming in from neighbouring villages who had seen great trees lying torn out of the earth and whole scattered about the roads and fields still there was no in the storm but it blew harder as we struggled on nearer and nearer i o the sea from which this mighty was blowing on shore its force became more and more terrific long before we saw the sea its spray was on our lips and salt rain npon us the water was out over miles and miles of the flat country adjacent to and every sheet and lashed its banks and had its stress of little setting heavily towards us when we came within sight of the sea the waves on the horizon caught at intervals above the rolling abyss were like glimpses of another shore op with towers and buildings when at last we got into the town the people came out to their doors all and with streaming hair making a wonder of the	8
mail that had come through such a night i put up at the old inn and went down to look at the sea staggering along the street which was strewn with sand and and with flying of sea foam afraid of falling and and holding by people i met at angry corners coming near the beach i saw not only the but half the people of the town lurking behind buildings some now and then the fury of the storm to look away to sea and blown sheer out of their course in trying to get back joining these groups i found women whose husbands were away in or boats which there was too much reason to think might have before they could run in anywhere for safety old sailors were among the people shaking their heads as they looked from water to sky and muttering to one another ship owners excited and uneasy children together and peering into older faces even stout disturbed and anxious their glasses at the sea from behind places of shelter as if they were surveying an enemy the tremendous sea itself when i could find sufficient pause to look at it in the agitation of the blinding wind the flying stones and sand and the awful noise confounded me as the high watery walls came rolling in and at their highest tumbled into surf they looked as if the least would the town as the receding wave swept back with a hoarse roar it seemed to out deep in the beach as if its purpose were to the earth when some white headed thundered on and dashed themselves to pieces before they reached the land every fragment of the late whole seemed possessed by the full might of its wrath rushing to be gathered to the composition of another monster hills were changed to valleys valleys with a solitary storm bird sometimes through them were lifted up to hills masses of water shivered and shook the a sound every shape rolled on as soon as made to change its shape and place and beat another shape and place away the ideal shore on the horizon with its towers and buildings rose and fell the clouds flew fast and thick i seemed to see a and of all nature not finding ham among the people whom this memorable wind for it is still remembered down there as the greatest ever known to blow upon that had brought together i made my way to his house it was shut and as no one answered to my knocking i went by back ways and bye lanes to the yard where he worked i learned there that he had gone to to meet some sudden of in which his skill was required but that he would be back to morrow morning in good time i went back to the inn and when washed and dressed and tried to sleep but in vain it was five o clock in the afternoon i had not sat five minutes by the coffee room fire when the waiter coming to stir it as an excuse for talking told me that two had gone down with all hands a few miles away and that some other ships had been seen laboring hard in the and trying in great distress to keep off shore mercy the personal history and experience on them and on all poor sailors said he if we had another night like the last i was very much depressed in spirits very solitary and felt an uneasiness in ham s not being there to the occasion i was seriously affected without knowing how much by late events and my long exposure to the fierce wind had confused me there was that in my thoughts and recollections that i had lost the clear arrangement of time and distance thus if i had gone out into the town i should not have been surprised i think to encounter some one who i knew must be then in london so to speak there was in these respects a curious in my mind yet it was busy too with all the the place naturally awakened and they were particularly distinct and vivid in this state the waiter s dismal intelligence about the ships immediately connected itself without any effort of my with my uneasiness about ham i was persuaded that i had an apprehension of his returning from by sea and being lost this grew so strong with me that i resolved to go back to the yard before i took my dinner and ask the boat if he thought his attempting to return by sea at all likely if he gave me the least reason to think so i would go over to and prevent it by bringing him with me i hastily ordered my dinner and went back to the yard i was none too soon for the boat with a lantern in his hand was the yard gate he quite laughed when i asked him the question and said there was no fear no man in his senses or out of them would put off in such a gale of wind least of all ham who had been born to so sensible of this beforehand that i had really felt ashamed of doing i was nevertheless impelled to do i went back to the inn if such a wind could rise i think it was rising the howl and roar the rattling of the doors and windows the in the chimneys the apparent rocking of the very house that sheltered me and the prodigious tumult of the sea were more fearful than in the morning but there was now a great darkness besides and that invested the storm with new terrors real and fanciful i could not eat i could not sit still i could not continue to anything something within me faintly answering to the storm without tossed up the	8
depths of my memory and made a tumult in them yet in all the hurry of my thoughts wild running with the thundering sea the storm and my uneasiness regarding ham were always in the fore ground my dinner went away almost and i tried to refresh myself with a glass or two of wine in vain i fell into a dull slumber before the fire without losing my consciousness either of the uproar out of doors or of the place in which i was both became by a new and horror and when i awoke or rather when i shook off the that bound me in my chair my whole frame thrilled with and unintelligible fear i walked to and fro tried to read an old listened to the awful noises looked at faces scenes and figures in the fire at length of david the steady of the undisturbed clock on the wall tormented me to that degree that i resolved to go to bed it was re assuring on such a night to be told that some of the had agreed together to sit up until morning i went to bed exceedingly weary and heavy but on my lying down all such sensations vanished as if by magic and i was broad awake with every sense refined for hours i lay there listening to the wind and water imagining now that i heard shrieks out at sea now that i distinctly heard the firing of signal guns and now the fall of houses in the town i got up several times and looked out but could see nothing except the reflection in the window panes of the faint candle i had left burning and of my own haggard face looking in at me from the black void at length my restlessness attained to such a pitch that i hurried on my clothes and went down stairs in the large kitchen where i dimly saw bacon and ropes of hanging from the beams the were clustered together in various attitudes about a table purposely moved away from the great chimney and brought near the door a pretty girl who had her ears stopped with her apron and her eyes upon the door screamed when i appeared supposing me to be a spirit but the others had more presence of mind and were glad of an addition to their company one man referring to the topic they had been discussing asked me whether i thought the souls of the who had gone down were out in the storm i remained there i dare say two hours once i opened the and looked into the empty street the sand the sea weed and the of foam were driving by and i was obliged to call for assistance before i could shut the gate again and make it fast against the wind there was a dark gloom in my solitary chamber when i at length returned to it but i was tired now and getting into bed again fell off a tower and down a precipice into the depths of sleep i have an impression that for a long time though i dreamed of being elsewhere and in a variety of scenes it was always blowing in my dream at length i lost that feeble hold upon reality and was engaged with two dear friends but who they were i don t know at the siege of some town in a roar of the thunder of the cannon was so loud and incessant that i could not hear something i much desired to hear until i made a great exertion and awoke it was broad day eight or nine o clock the storm raging in of the and some one knocking and calling at my door what is the matter i cried a wreck close by i sprung out of bed and asked what wreck a from spain or laden with fruit and wine make haste sir if you want to see her it s thought down on the beach she go to pieces every moment the excited voice went along the staircase and i wrapped myself in my clothes as quickly as i could and ran into the street numbers of people were there before me all running in one direction o o the personal history and experience to the beach t ran the same way a good many and soon came facing the wild sea the wind might by this time have a little though not more sensibly than if the i had dreamed of had been diminished by the of half a dozen guns out of hundreds but the sea having upon it the additional agitation of the whole night was infinitely more terrific than when i had seen it last every appearance it had then presented bore the expression of being swelled and the height to which the rose and looking over one another bore one another down and rolled in in interminable hosts was most appalling in the difficulty of hearing anything but wind and waves and in the crowd and the unspeakable confusion and my first breathless efforts to stand against the weather i was so confused that i looked out to sea for the wreck and saw nothing but the foaming heads of the great waves a half dressed standing next me pointed with his bare arm a d arrow on it pointing in the same direction to the left then great heaven i saw it close in upon us one mast was broken short off six or eight feet from the deck and lay over the side entangled in a of sail and and all that ruin as the ship rolled and beat which she did without a moment s pause and with a violence quite inconceivable beat the side as if it would it in some efforts were even then being made to cut this	8

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