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object to another with a strange and alarming scrutiny a varying flush upon her cheek betrayed the feverish state of her fluttering pulse but there was beyond this and the flashing eye little indication of any deeper cause of interest than arises from the charm of youth aiid innocence combined with exquisite loveliness it seemed as though the lamp of reason instead of being extinguished now burned with a bright but uncertain flame for one moment revealing the clear truth and then light with shadow until the whole became indistinct and unintelligible as the fair sufferer advanced to greet her unknown guests escaped from the apartment and walter stepping forward in a kind and cordial manner introduced himself and and then endeavoured to engage the attention of by about the grounds the garden the prospect or any thing he could think of to divert her ob from lady until a more suitable opportunity for making known their relationship it mattered not to him whether her answers were to or from the purpose his object would be gained if he could render her familiar with the presence of her new friends and confident that they were such but the countenance of lady had first struck her attention and she was not so easily from the interest which suddenly filled her heart this lady said she placing her hand within that of her unknown parent you have not introduced my name is at least it was when i was happy and lived in scotland my name is too answered lady at which her daughter smiled and went on i know not who you are but i hope you will stay with me it is so lonely in this strange place you seem to be in sorrow she continued seeing that the lady s tears fell fast i sometimes am in sorrow too and if you will pity me i will pity you surely that is fair i used to think that if any one cared for me it was enough but now i am going to care for others and make them happy if i can ladies would you like music and she began to sing and play a wild air but turning again to lady she asked in a grave and anxious manner why she wept has any one been unkind to you or have you been unkind to any one lady bowed assent pictures of private ufe then shall i tell you what is the best thing you can do be as kind as you can in future i will said lady and with an almost bursting heart she pressed upon the fair cheek of her daughter a mother s kiss finding that kind of confidence established which under their present melancholy circumstances was all she had led to desire walked out to seek a yet more painful interview with her cousin who was wandering alone scarcely knowing where he went forgetting every thing but his recent she drew her hand within his arm and spoke to him with the freedom and familiarity of their early days before any feelings of a more exclusive nature had taught them to lay aside the privileges of friendship was it not a happy circumstance said she that we prevailed upon lady to come down with us she is really an amiable and interesting woman and i hope will remain with you and be a comfort to you she can be no comfort to me you speak of happiness and comfort as if they were words that could find a meaning in the language of man i speak of the happiness and comfort that are to us as we speak of the flowers that the storm has laid bare the forest it is for you to gather those flowers for you they are spared for you they bloom and flourish it is for me to sit under the boughs and listen to the blast of desolation have you consulted a physician asked well knowing the into which this mode of speech would lead replied that he had not indeed it was the first time he had thought of one of whose skill do you entertain the best opinion he had little opinion of the skill of any had well nigh lost her patience but knowing that her cousin cared not what was done so long as he was not required to act she told him that with his permission she would send ofi for one immediately as whatever their doubts might be they were not justified in the only means that were at their command do exactly as you think best said do as much and as quickly as you can for i am sure you will do right fill my house with doctors nurses and old women employ my servants spend my money travel with my horses only spare me for i have already enough to bear oh that i had been that i had been more attentive to my duty that i could recall my early life sighed lady as she laid her head upon her pillow and too as he sat alone by the light of a dim lamp at the hour of midnight in imagination the path of life to find out some cruel some early for which he might blame his destiny and not himself went on and on until he reached the days of early boyhood and the fresh flow of childish tenderness seemed to rush upon his heart again oh that i could return he too exclaimed but the in these two individuals was that in one case the remorse attendant upon the past produced that sound deep and rational repentance which upon the future while in the other the unwonted occupation of and self examination was accompanied by nothing but the agony of despair oh that i had been wiser is the expression of	41
the soul when first awakened to a sorrowful conviction of what has been lost sacrificed and or has still to be endured from its own blindness folly or oh that i had been wiser is the exclamation of the merchant when he has neglected to his property and the storm has swept away his possessions of the when he has sown in the wrong season and the floods have hit fields of the when he has laid the corner stone upon a foundation and the edifice begins to shake of the traveller when he has rejected his guide and finds himself bewildered at the fall of night of the when he has the orders of the pilot and is wrecked upon an unknown shore does not the merchant then make haste to what is still does not the long for the coming of another spring that he may scatter his grain in due time does not the search diligently for the rock upon which his tottering edifice may be does not the traveller for the coming morrow a guide from whom he that nothing shall separate and does not the escaped from submit himself gratefully to the guidance of the pilot during all his future on the sea it is in the great and consideration of eternal life that we are satisfied to lose the prize of our high calling while over the past the that ocean into which the river of time is gliding the that abyss from which we vainly endeavour to snatch the of our hearts secret worship the that mysterious that has swallowed up all we have been thought felt acted or endured and from which it is no less impossible to recover a fallen kingdom or a ruined world than a rose leaf or an idle thought with the awful and past what then can we creatures have to do but to gather wisdom and perhaps to gather it with tears yet here we sit on the verge of the gulf of eternity brooding in our grief and too calling that a sorrow which no it is with the no awful present that our business lies here is our field of action here is all that is to us by which we can prove the depth and sincerity of our regret the wasted moments of the precious future as they are incessantly becoming ours will rise like a cloud of witnesses to the courts of heaven bearing fearful testimony to the of our remorse and the of our repentance nor is it always permitted us to prove before mankind that we have wisdom from the past the merchant may not be always able to send again upon the sea the may have no grain remaining in his the occupation of the may be taken away the traveller may have reached the end of liis journey and the be for future service on the ocean but the of human life are so regulated that we cannot live a day seldom an hour without an opportunity of acting speaking or thinking wisely or with a good or evil motive for a purpose which is either right or wrong and therefore none can excuse themselves on the ground that they would have done better had they been tried again so long as we the breath of existence we are always in a state of trial there is no situation so humble there are no circumstances limited as to us from the duty of christians and he who takes note of the falling to the ground will assuredly not overlook the moral progress or of an and immortal spirit what would an earthly master think of the servant who should answer his with the constant and cry oh that i had been wiser so far as it evinced his conviction of past error the answer might be well but that conviction alone would be of very little value to the master who was expecting faithful and important service and few there are who would bear with it fewer still who would try that servant as we are tried with fresh ofi er of pardon mercy and support if he would but turn again into the path of duty and walk in the way which had been graciously pointed out for his good under the first pangs of a stricken conscience we exclaim oh that i had been wiser but woe unto the soul that bears along with it no other language to the great on the day of judgment that pictures of private life no other plea to lay before the majesty on high for the abuse of means that were abundantly the of feelings that were bestowed for a benefit and a blessing to mankind the of powers tliat were capable of into a harvest of usefulness and the neglect of countless opportunities of conviction repentance and which infinite wisdom had adapted to its imperfect and state and which infinite mercy had continued to hold out even when rejected again and again oh that i bad been wiser should be hailed as the first expression of that infant wisdom which is to be cherished and cultivated for future profit but let none rest here believing they are to be saved by merely uttering this feeble cry it is true it may be accompanied with tears of unutterable anguish with humiliation that down the spirit to tlie lowest depths with remorse that burns with incessant and fire but while the wide future remains by a single wise resolution and the present is empty of all proof of our tears will be as fruitless in working out the great end of our being as the on the rock our humiliation as destitute of benefit to ourselves or others as the scattering of the withered leaves upon the autumn floods and our remorse as as the moan of the criminal led out for execution chapter xv i am	41
sorry to trouble you about any affairs of my own said walter one day to his brother but since it is always pleasant to have an opportunity of helping a poor man through the world i think i may venture to lay my case before you made no reply except by a slight inclination of the head and walter went on to state in a business like manner how he was about to become a candidate for the office of engineer in a projected work of great extent in the immediate neighbourhood of his brother s property and how his brother might assist him by using his powerful interest to obtain for him the desired appointment that is the very scheme replied that you yourself laid out some years ago it is and will you allow others to carry oflf the credit of what you seem willing to fall in with in a secondary way there can surely be little less credit in making a useful discovery to day than yesterday as i never communicated my views to these persons they are as fully entitled to the approbation of their fellow creatures as i can be the improvement of the country was their object as well as mine and had i endeavoured to put my plans in execution should doubtless have been stimulated as most men are by motives of private interest all i now desire at their hands is to be allowed to help forward the work as their engineer there is nothing on earth so disagreeable as puffing off the abilities of one s own relations i would thank no man to puff mine ah that i request of you is to mention my name as a person fully qualified i suppose if to understand the business for which i was educated and to which i have devoted many years of study and labour be you may of greater i do not boast but were i conscious of less i would not offer myself i see however that you are not disposed to take an active part in the matter will you oblige me by a decided answer whether you choose to assist me or not still hesitated and before he could arrive at a conclusion walter had bid him good morning and ridden off to make a more successful application elsewhere by thought and his object was gained and he once more became a happy and welcome resident beneath his mother s roof but neither the addition of his cheering society nor any thing else that happened or could happen brought any to the gloom and weariness of the unfortunately for him the power of suffering was not diminished by his to enjoy with the of his mind alive only to impressions of pain he looked round upon the world as upon a desert where the sun might and the winds pierce but where no flower could ever bloom nor murmuring waters send forth the glad tidings of refreshment and repose not such were the feelings of the mother who now watched over the second infancy of her child what of remorse were hers as she looked upon her flower and pressed upon her bosom the fair cheek that should have earlier known that resting place but hers was a grief which brought along with it a quick animated sense of present things and intense desires for the future so that her soul knew no repose but in the of prayer indeed where else can any soul oppressed with the burdens of humanity repose but in that humble dependence upon an almighty power that constant reference of its cares and sorrows to him who its that appeal to infinite mercy for fresh supplies of strength and patience and support which may not be called perpetual prayer who even of those who have lived through what is called a life of enjoyment can say that they have found repose elsewhere gaiety excitement nay even a wild joy they may have found but what are all these when compared with repose there is no writer who has left upon record so touching and so true a testimony to the vanity and the weariness of mere human as he who had the means of obtaining and the power of beyond what ever before or since has fallen to the lot of man and yet he tells us that in the midst of all he said in his heart of laughter it is mad and of mirth what it my mother were the tender and familiar words with which poor now often startled her weeping parent it pleased her childish fancy to utter them and served as an to remind lady of what she ought to have been and still might be nor was the lamp of reason so nearly extinguished in the mind of her lovely charge but that she could appreciate the kind and faithful duties which her mother became daily more to fulfil more happy to perform had her intervals of reflection in which her mind set free from the petty and toils of life seemed to perceive with more than and to weigh with a truer balance than it had ever done before she would then speak clearly and decidedly on questions of importance as if her feelings had been awakened to a new moral sense when suddenly a wild bewilderment of thought would come like the confusion of a dream over a fair and sunny picture but she was always gentle harmless and lovely even under her darkest gathering wild flowers and loving sunshine and sweet pressing her mother to partake in all her innocent connecting by some mysterious chain of feeling all things sweet and happy with scotland and the life she had led there and yet invariably looking sad and lowering the tone of her voice to the deepest melancholy when she spoke of any person place or thing	41
she had known in that beloved land time passed on in this manner with ihe mother and the daughter the one queen of a fantastic realm the other a weak but willing pilgrim just the career of duty resigned himself completely to the evil influence of and melancholy loving nothing so much as solitary wanderings far from the busy world which he professed to hate the greater part of each day be still spent upon the ocean or gazing over its wide expanse c pictures of private life a favourite station on the rocky and projecting while at night he often took a to whatever spot chance might direct his uncertain steps it was at the close of a sombre day when winds were at their evening that he walked forth as usual with often repeated but fruitless efforts to forget himself lost in deep reverie he found himself at last beside his mother s garden the gate opened with the pressure of his hand and without aim or object he wound his well known way amongst the shrubs as if old habits were leading him they would in a few moments more he was gazing upon the bright fire blazing in his mother s parlour through a screen of not yet faded by which he was concealed from the observation of those within his mother was seated by the fire with her perpetual knitting in her hand while her face lighted up with an expression of lively satisfaction was turned to walter who appeared to be reading aloud from a book which must have been a favourite with for she too raised her eyes so and with such deep interest that walter could not choose but look from his book as to in her enjoyment there was nothing in the situation of these three to make them happier than human beings generally may be nor in that of to render him more wretched than most of us at many seasons of our lives have been and yet his morbid imagination immediately transformed the scene within into that of the garden of and himself into the enemy of all happiness whom the poet has so described as unable to look oh without the of the of human passions envy is a feeling so in itself with so few that none will own its influence although an impartial might too detect its lurking mingled with the cup of life would have with indignation the charge of either man or woman their good fortune and yet he was not only unable to in the enjoyment of others but the mere contemplation of it added fresh bitterness to his secret every one can find happiness on earth but me he murmured to himself as he stood to the same spot and gazing on the same scene every one can partake of social every one can draw around some centre of enjoyment ut me from the loved and the lovely i must dwell apart with the of despair in my bosom and the poisoned arrow f destruction in my heart what a wonderful and inexhaustible fund the melancholy mind can draw upon for materials to build up its own wretchedness while was observing from without the internal of his mother s establishment she herself rose up and ringing the bell a servant who came in unconsciously closed the shutters in the face of the who immediately gave himself up to the absurd idea that he was violently shut out from the presence of the happy group as he turned to his steps the rustling of the withered leaves il nt lay scattered in his path gave notice to his cousin s dog that a strange foot was near and before he had time to make himself known he was beset annoyed by the loud barking of the watchful animal the very dog said he to himself tl at i have seen crouching at her feet with tenderness and love grows furious at the sight of me he walked on but thick clouds had now the moon a hollow wind which had all day been moaning amongst the and yellow leaves rushed along with the gathering darkness and it was with difficulty that he reached the nearest cottage before the bursting of a tempest which threatened to cut off his farther progress for the night the place in which he had found such shelter was a porch where he had once on a very different occasion seated himself before and had not the darkness prevented his making any local ob he would probably have the fury of the raging elements rather than have remained in safety under the cover of that roof it is a fearful night said an aged voice we are better in this low cottage mary than in the high towers of a castle when such a storm is howling t is not all who live in castles that are either safe or happy was answered by a female i fear not said the old man with a deep big i fear not i and yet they may be as happy as they deserve observed the woman who that has never loved any one or been kind to any one can either expect or deserve happiness themselves mary we judge blindly when we judge one another if is wiser and more profitable to look into our own hearts to read the words of eternal life and to pray and so saying he commenced his evening service and reading aloud a chapter of the bible with more than he poured forth the genuine feelings of his soul in a simple but affecting prayer he had never since an important event in his life had first placed him in a situation of serious trust omitted morning and evening to offer up a petition for the welfare right guidance of his young master and he performed his holy duty as faithfully as tenderly	41
what we desire to possess it is a mutual compact in which much must be contributed on both sides to render it productive of real satisfaction it is not my wish to lift the veil which is very properly drawn over the secrets of domestic life nor to pronounce upon what might have been or reconciled the grand error was in the first determination you made to unite yourself to one whose disposition tastes and habits were so totally different from your own that i should suppose it almost impossible for any circumstance to occur in which you would think or feel together and yet you who were the of my early years never gave me one word of warning when you saw me the happiness of my whole life upon one fatal cast p you cannot surely need to be reminded how ineffectual my hitherto had been and how i had ever foimd it even in the most trivial instances to change your ill chosen mode of thinking and acting besides so distant as i then so ignorant of the circumstances by which you were influenced what right had i to interfere i was astonished it is true yet i knew not then how you were acting but let us leave the past dear to be visited only when we are disposed to doubt the good providence of god and would say in the presumption of our hearts i have not this stroke then upon what subject may i ask would you please to with such a companion by your side ted me what the future has in store for me look at my household gods and say if they rule not with the of was indeed at a loss whether she stretched her prophetic view over the future or looked with more eye upon the present to the gloomy and determined the one was as barren in prospect as the other was and in possession you make me no reply said you do well to be silent you have known me too long to my ear with the words of consolation i have indeed lost the power to light again the of hope which you have so often ed and with that power the thought that i might in some way assist to pilot through the storms of but remember that the fire which is lighted by a human hand is at best but an from the fountain of eternal light which no tempest of this world is able to j and which may shine upon the bosom of the stormy ocean or the brink of the quiet grave that the warning voice of man is but like the cry of the seaman amongst the rocks and while the arm of s able to roll back the fury of the foaming waves to stay the lightning and hush the thunder and lead forth the despairing seaman into the harbour of everlasting rest years passed on and the remained except that a deeper gloom was added to his despondency a more intolerable sense of wretchedness to his despair as the fresh glow of early life subsided one kindly feeling a er another ceased to warm his heart until the last and longest cherished the pleasure he had ever found in the companionship of his best friend was gone for ever had become the happy wife of walter whose active and energetic character was well calculated to assist and forward all his plans of usefulness together they supported the declining health of a devoted mother whose cheerfulness fully repaid their and care together they visited the and the widow in their affliction watching over the feeble comforting the forlorn and directing the blind and wanderer how to obtain an entrance into the strait and way and having lived for others more than for themselves they were permitted to partake together of that cup of earthly enjoyment which never was and never will be held out to those who would snatch it with hands who would demand as a right what is only granted as a boon who would stand at the marriage feast who would ask for the ten talents having lost the one years passed on and lady was still faithful to her trust watching witli maternal solicitude over the mental darkness of her child i have much to for she would say when i with her upon her too constant and attention time is fleeting and silvery hairs are warning me that i have not much to lose spare me not for i would not spare myself i know that nothing i can now do will the past but when i reflect upon the mercy and forbearance of a divine providence who bore with my selfish so long and at last set before me a higher duty and a better hope i am not willing that one hour should pass by in which i may be found to have forgotten the mighty debt i owe you yourself have taught me that we are unable to purchase heaven by our good actions but all the of the longest to obey the divine will are due from us in gratitude for the countless we have received of my hfe one half at least has been wasted you who have ever been my best should not hinder me in laying my of autumn fruits upon the altar you will not take my mother away said pressing the hand of lady upon her burning brow no earthly power should separate a mother from her child this was one of the intervals in which the poor enjoyed the luxury of weeping and her tears fell thick and fast as she told in broken accents how her young heart had for a mother s love they were kind to me in scotland she continued kind to and flatter and caress me but a	41
mother might have een kinder still she might have told me when i did wrong and i should not have resented it from her no no we will not be separated we will live together and i will try to be less than i have been my own dear mother my best friend what can i do now to serve you you sing to us i will sing to you a hymn that taught me yet not a hymn exactly but something that calls back my thoughts when i am forgetting to be grateful the spring know their time to bloom the d rt to the stormy winds to rise and come at winter s y call the knows when to sing her midnight melody the stranger bird to stretch her wing far o er the distant sea the silent stars know when to raise their shining on high the moon to shed her from oat th sky the son his chariot wheels to roll toward the golden west the tides to flow pole to pole the wares to rest wide creation owns a power o er earth and that portions out some fitting hour for all his win then while of nature s works the prime man his nobler call shall he own no time to thank the lord of the pains of pleasing defend me therefore common i from reverie to airy from the toil or into empty wells and growing old in drawing nothing up t chapter i do you think the good lady of this house will ask us to down i think she ought was the reply as two fair took their stand upon the clean stone step of a plain brick dwelling they had been engaged the whole morning in collecting for the bible society and had not yet found their reward amongst the inhabitants of the small country town in which their circuit lay some had regarded them with suspicion some had attacked them with reproaches and few had offered them a seat until wearied with their task they determined to take advantage of the first tolerable looking mansion for that rest which even virtuous exertions require this long delay promises but a cold welcome said one of the young ladies as the slow movements of feet were heard along the passage with much apparent difficulty the key was turned and the door being partially opened by a wrinkled hand an old woman whose years might have entitled her to a place of rest in this world at least but who was evidently still tortured with household anxieties stood before them as if to their entrance does mrs live here asked one of the ladies the woman made no reply but deliberately round opened the door of a small parlour wide enough for them to enter nothing but old women thought the as they observed the figure of a person little inferior in years to their silent seated by the fire there was nothing peculiar in her dress or countenance and when she begged them to be seated it was as much with the indifference of one who has grown familiar with the world in its most ordinary character as one who has acquired the ease and complacency of fashionable life she was however too well bred to ask her visitors the purpose of their coming and a few common place remarks they sat and whispered together or rather talked over in an under tone the adventures of the morning as if no one had been present what had we best do with the money from mary asked one give it to the at once was the reply i think not it would certainly be more just but don t you think it would offend dear mr mr has nothing to do with it that i know of and yet it might be dangerous to him he seems disposed to be so liberal difficulties seemed to increase around these agents of and so warm were they in the contest between justice and the in mr as not to notice the change which had taken place pictures of private life the whole aspect of the old lady their sole until arriving at the crisis of their dispute one of them positively asserted that her plan would be the most the old woman then rose from her chair and fixing a keen look upon the other laid her withered hand upon her arm and exclaimed and can you hesitate an electric shock would scarcely have occasioned greater in the form of the fair to me the ancient dame drawing her youthful companion to the window behold yon sun the great of light and life were he to consult the inclinations of man where think you would he shine when the city dame walked forth she would beg that the splendour of his beams might be turned away in mercy to her lily skin while at the same time the would the blessing of his rays to the harvest of his hope and the would se his mid day heat while the prayer of the aged and would arise from the of wretchedness that some portion of his warmth and brightness might their humble dwellings but yon glorious drawn by the hand of mercy and directed by the of wisdom goes on his heavenly way giving beauty and gladness to the earth to the industrious the morning to the flowers and fruits the mid day heat to the worn and the weary the calm of and to the wide realm of nature the repose of night i you wonder at my earnestness and warmth look upon me and if your youthful eyes shrink not from a sight so abject contemplate the being before you i have spent a long life in the service of my myself to their various and to make beloved and my reward has been a lonely	41
and desolate old age not one of ail those to whose happiness or amusement i have contributed would now seek me in this lowly habitation to soothe my hours of weariness or pain i had friends i had fortune i had all that renders life desirable and have been assailed by few of its most trying yet has disappointment been my daily portion and sorrow the companion of my path tears more than time have worn these on my cheek i am not so old as i am wretched a long pause ensued during which the appeared to be struggling with some mental agony restless but silent she sat with both her hands pressed violently upon her forehead and her head bent forward as if beneath the weight of severe affliction it seemed as though the of memory were thrown open and the that poured in brought nothing along with it but and the salt weeds of it was strange to behold one who had so nearly finished her course one who had approached the of eternity thus agitated by the recollection of former years it was not however with fruitless that e endeavoured to regain her former composure she cleared her voice and smoothed her forehead and rising from the posture of humiliation in a calm and collected manner resumed the thread of her discourse i said that i had spent a long life in the service of my fellow creatures well might i quote the memorable words of the dying cardinal and say that had i served my half as sincerely as i have served my friends he would not have left me thus i said that i had served my fellow creatures but what was my motive if kind and willing and charity and good will if patient and submission may me to the name of christian i indeed have been a of christ but let me ask again what was my motive with kind services i sought to purchase friends amongst whom i live the centre of a charmed circle friends whose partial love might screen my faults and even from my own observation with gifts i those whom my humour sometimes with charity i bought the pains of pleasing the poor that my step might be welcome in the cottage of the and my countenance hailed as the of joy to every creature in the universe my heart naturally with benevolence i was patient too by nature and never hesitated to suffer in the cause of another when certain that suffering would be known and appreciated fo submit without resistance a part of my creed and verily i had my reward for all that i did and endured and truly there was enough of both was without any reference to a higher object than that of making myself beloved and i am the more willing to lay my own errors before the world because the character at which i aimed is one that too frequently passes under the of amiable and as such is held up to admiration while concealing beneath a cloak of loveliness a selfish and ig noble mind should either of my fair friends be running upon the where i have suffered it may be worth her while to listen for a few hours to the detail of circumstances tending to the of those which have made me what i am feelings which have been a constant source of disappointment and humiliation for years feelings which still pursue me to the brink of the grave and occupy that place in my heart where higher thoughts should reign supreme raise not your expectations to the heights of romantic interest mine has been the common lot of mortals my character by any extraordinary traits the narrative to which i call your attention is that of a mis spent but in great measure an life displaying none of the extremes of vice or virtue good fortune or calamity perhaps were i inclined to look with partial eye upon the past i might be able to no trifling number of actions in themselves and which had they originated in a love of god and to his service might have been held as in my favour but which having nothing for their object save the transient applause of friends have passed away from n remembrance with the worthless by which they were excited alas i my young friends it is only that heaven bom benevolence which regards all creatures as the children of one universal father that can prompt us to true christian charity and love it is only by first desiring to serve that we can ever effectually serve mankind but i detain you and the hour is late come to me to evening if you are at leisure and have no more agreeable employment and you shall listen to the story of an old woman chapter ii faithful to the appointed hour on the following day the two young ladies seated themselves at the fireside of their venerable friend who commenced her simple narrative without introduction i was bom to that station in life which entitled me to all the and advantages that a reasonable mind could desire my mother died early and my father being fully engaged with the business of a bank in which he was an active partner an older sister and were sent during the usual term of education to a fashionable school and afterwards left to the of own tastes and the of our own conduct for my sister this was all as her regular and even temperament secured her against any temptation to from the customs most approved in society at first i thought that her of character arose solely from of feeling but i learned in time to respect the substantial reasons she was able to give for everything she did and after experience taught me	41
that he had all along been acting upon principle she had ic op private not it is the manners to those her j and often i would have made tn guide and i fancied driven away and still she vas bo in ber daily walk and that was exactly fitted to be t up af an example to io this way was upon it y notice in the most manner along with reproaches liberally bestowed upon myself thus is the son of envy not administered to the infant mind fatal to happiness and destructive to every kindly feeling i inwardly resolved that if i could not be o much respected as my i would be more beloved nor was i long in my purpose for alas it is not merit that the attachment of our fellow naturally quick sighted and i first observations upon the tastes and prejudices of those around me and as i felt my way tell in with their peculiar sentiments until i found that i bad t adopted what i had intended only to assume i was not certainly daring enough openly to assert my acquiescence in tiiat which i did not believe but there are many ways of appearing to agree with those who converse with us without directly telling a falsehood no sooner were my sister and myself of age to be introduced than having the reputation of fortune and some be was thronged with visitors for our countenance and p o these novel circumstances my father had arranged with a sister mrs who had been to maintain her daughter and herself the scanty remnant of a clergyman s and they came accordingly to live near us not a little gratified by the opportunity of in the of our parties at first i advanced upon the slippery and adventurous path i had for i had much to learn which it was impossible to make successful advances but my faculties being always awake it was surprising how soon i was able to throw in my well timed observations upon the common topics of conversation this however was not so much my field of triumph as the cultivation of private i may say for myself that i had naturally a kind and affectionate heart and thai the sympathy and interest which i so expressed was real nor was it less sincere than unbounded for in my varied i no prejudice but could feel for all the high and the low the wise and the weak the good arid the evil on first my to religion i surprised that the blessed hope held forth to all mankind on equal terms instead of being a bond of holy and love should so often under false be made the root of envy malice and ad of this i had ample of making frequent and mournful observations for the circle of my acquaintance included of almost every who and warned me against the danger of each other s society there must thought i be something strange in that institution whose members amongst and i had one friend who ventured to that the fault was in religion itself and not in the which man had formed of it the mingling of his own pride passion and prejudice with its holy and the resistance of his rebellious heart to the influence of a merciful and providence amongst my intimate and i could a a a and a all characters whom i esteemed superior to myself and well to instruct my mind and direct my judgment with each of these i to make my creed agree as nearly as possible i attended their places of worship their books and listened to their arguments invariably arriving at the final conviction that a great deal might be said for all but though i was satisfied f the pains op pleasing with this my friends were not with the most sweeping they attacked all doctrines but their o n and some of the most moments of my life were spent in listening to the and which these professors of against each other but more distressing still to me were the less expressed in a spirit with which they would sometimes he the errors of those who looked upon the great truths of religion with views feelings from their own o who spoke thus mildly i was disposed to more heed and used on such ns to retire to my own chamber with a heart tortured by doubts and apprehensions ii j thought i it is impossible that any creed but one can save us it is high time me to settle my own faith and in order to do this without partiality or bias i read the with my separate friends listening attentively to their different of particular passages until my brain was nearly turned and my spirits were more oppressed than before oh if i had but my views if i had but dared to shake off the bondage of the world and looked for instruction to him who is able to teach as never man taught i might now in my old age have opened the bible as a book of consolation with feelings undisturbed by the opinions of man which still attach to every page upon which i cast my eye as memory the various and arguments that were forced upon my attention along with my first searching of the of truth finding it impossible to reconcile my own ideas of religion to the various and opinions of others i secretly resolved to leave this great and consideration to a later period of my life when my judgment would be more and while carefully observing the line of right and wrong in my moral conduct hearing ail the arguments of ah parties and keeping my mind by and to i could not i thought be very far from the path aad must in time gather wi om as	41
if nothing more was required to my claim to eternal happiness surely tbe simple why w b sent into the world might have roused me ram this dream security but the aim of my was not here christ was not the master i had sea the world the tyrant who ruled life the hardness of and the of burden i had hardly begun to sometimes it is i it be noble boldly tp assert n of mind i and myself notions i than once stood forth to defend but such of seemed to make me enemies and i it not do i evening in particular when the conviction of the ac the part i was acting forced itself me with truth at the house of a gentleman who took an active part in all popular affairs a large pan had been collected to an lecture on the subject of slavery it was my to ba beside a very handsome an just returned from the west indies who was his plausible argument he could find a sufficient want of sense and good feeling to make room fi r he was likely to be the of the evening i my accordingly tp receive the beams of this western i was a good lis than which a greater cannot well be found to the general of society for since by far the greater part of mankind to say not g of woman are better pleased to talk than be silent one at least in all companies must remain dumb and disappointed i had x believe an attentive look that made many unfortunate who had worn out his audience until one another had gone off to join the general turn tp ma with his n y pictures of private life unfinished history of himself or his doings still quivering on liis lips and let none themselves upon the quality of pa unless they can say like me that on such occasions they have invariably heard tlie story out in the present instance i had nothing to do but to ask a few g ve on the subject of slavery as if i really wanted to be informed by a judicious impartial and observer before i made up my mighty mind a pair of were beaming upon me and before the whole assembly i was seen to be engaged in conversation with the gentleman from the west indies he spoke so long and loud looked so animated and that other listeners joined our circle of interest which at last extended itself so as to include all e party except one and other pretty ladies besides myself peeped from beneath their shining and asked if it was really true that the slaves were so well dressed and did not actually feed on odious beans true beyond all doubt replied the gentleman that they are o en dressed in a manner that would excite the envy of many a poor english girl could one of your behold the active men and women whose labour may well be called play when compared with that of your population of could he behold them seated through the hours of the day under the shade of magnificent trees whose indian foliage a cool shadow on the earth there enjoying their plentiful of wholesome with delicious vegetables could he behold them returning to their where hunger and poverty are never permitted to threaten their security he would rather petition that he and his family might share the fate of the negro than that the negro should be exposed to that under which he is groaning but the cart whip sighed a gentle lady the whip my dear madam is more a threat than a real and i scruple not to has been more heard of in england than in the country where it is to with frightful severity but the separation of near and the breaking up of families said a fair bride with a smile worthy the demon of the handsome gentleman lied by ill timed upon the exaggerated happiness of domestic life questioning whether many a wi e man would not rather be well rid of his than doomed to the discord of her temper through life this remark was ill suited to the taste of english ladies and i was amongst a very small who laughed and seemed to think the joke a good one there is one question said my sister with earnest gravity which i have always thought to quiet the idle speculations of those who are not compelled to regard the subject in a political point of view is slavery with the principles of christianity here the gentleman forgot himself again and asked with a look of derision whether christianity was ever intended for a class of beings acknowledged to be but one step above the brutes at which the became smaller and even i scarcely ventured a look of approbation the pause which followed allowed my sister time to speak again which she did a degree of warmth and indignation startling almost to herself for those who have to govern the state said she it may be essential to the present condition of man a portion of apparent evil should be mixed with good in order to force into operation those wholesome which are designed to correct old and long established errors in the same way that of poisonous quality are sometimes administered to the sick before the constitution can be fitted for natural food but when those whose sphere of action is within the limits of social and domestic life can listen with pleasure to i ap the pains op pleasing against the which secure to them the possession of they most value or enjoy we may safety conclude that the ladies of england are not yet sufficiently enlightened and i propose as e evening is far advanced that we should prepare to listen to reasoning and arguments more fitted for	41
a community with this the company rose and a gentleman who had sat apart from the rest attentively turning over a bundle of papers which he held in his hand walked across the room and offering his arm to my sister said with a look of am happy to have found a in a strange land i now found he was the and when the west indian paid the san compliment to me i held down my head with very shame and vexation at being thus identified with what i believed in my heart was e wrong cause who is that young lady asked my companion with a brow i could not dared not say she was my sister but drawing my shawl around me complained loudly of the evening air as if i had not heard his question before the lecture concluded i was more ashamed than ever of my new friend he had come for the express purpose of disturbing the meeting and the ridiculous of every attack upon the and dignified speaker he directed his triumphant eyes to me with such pointed certainty of applause that i would gladly have exchanged my conspicuous situation with that of the lowest door keeper in the apartment unmoved by these repeated from the midst of the assembly the went on with his cool statement of facts and his earnest appeals to common sense as little shaken by each momentary commotion as the sturdy oak of the forest by the of the passing shower and before the of one hour the brave of the west india interest had made good his exit leaving the field to the possession of an power chapter ra how very much i should like to ascend in a said one amongst a group of young ladies who sat around my father s fire her courage being called in question we appealed to each other on the score of individual daring until as the enthusiasm spread we one and all declared that if ever the temptation should be offered us we would mount without a shadow of hesitation i was then a young and on upon the of the world and did not know how very little the idle of a private circle has to do with the real business of life my cousin jane a strict judge of the of others whatever she might be of her own was amongst the number and when her earnest joined the rest i thought the experiment must surely be worth trying about twelve months after this i was visiting in a distant county when a celebrated announced his intention of ascending from that privileged spot he was known to he family with whom i was then a guest and spent the day preceding his with us ever too ready to catch the tone and manners of those by whom i was surrounded i looked upon this person aa nothing less than a hero and when he spoke of happier men who were honoured with the company of ladies their adventures i turned to him and asked whether he had not a or sister courageous enough to share his dangers no said he with a sigh i am alone in the world there was something in his and the tone of his voice which interested me deeply a new feeling flashed across my mind i hesitated the countenance of my host wore an smile and i offered myself as his companion in the exhibition of the following day a burst of applause worthy a more noble effort immediately followed and for a few hours of my life i believed myself to be a heroine i will not describe the pictures op private life supported me through these hours because i esteem such bewilderment of mind no better than a dizzy dream neither will i tell you how much more beautiful this world of ours appears to the distant and elevated than to those whose nearer inspection into the of ordinary existence it is more to my purpose to say how frequently i recalled the conversation of the little party before alluded to and with what triumph i thought of returning home the object of their wonder envy and admiration for i should then have been exalted above the world i should have dared to do what other women only dream of i should have voluntarily risked my life for what would have been a very natural question and one to which i was ill prepared with a reply but i thought of no such strict investigation i had been urged on by the approbation of every one around me i was and cheered by my companion and i knew that kind and applause awaited my return to earth my wild adventure was attended with no accident safe again upon i was hailed with a momentary interest so while it lasted as to make me feel like a creature from another world and in a few days i had the more but not less exciting gratification of seeing my own name in the public journals associated with beauty and grace with these accumulated honours fresh on my brow i returned home where my glory was soon robbed of its lustre by the cold looks of my sister and the open ridicule of my cousin jane in vain i reminded her of what she herself had said she scarcely recollected the circumstance at nothing on her part that could have given sanction to so extraordinary step do you mean to say that had you been in my place you would not have gone v most assuredly not that you would not have enjoyed it perhaps i might in a private way but as a public exhibition with a strange gentleman i assure you there are very unpleasant things said about it and i have heard the gentleman s character called in question he was known and respected by the family	41
with whom i was a visitor by a family of it is not improbable that he might i would choose my associates amongst those who were better able to direct my conduct and then if i had judgment to keep me from going astray i should at least acquire enough to keep me down this conversation was interrupted by the entrance of my father who kindly welcomed me home but who when we were alone took the first opportunity of expressing his sorrow for what i had done not he added that there is any moral in the act itself but when a young lady chooses to be eccentric she raises up many enemies and loses much of that safe and quiet standing in the world which is essential to woman s happiness deeply as i was pained by this gentle and delicate reproof i could not still believe that my distant friends but more especially the public papers could be so much mistaken in the real merits of the case i thought the good people at home were narrow minded ill informed and did not know exactly what they were talking about so i took my work and went out with this confidence to spend the evening where i had ever been a welcome guest at the house of an old gentleman whose active and inquisitive mind led him to take more interest in the of the busy world than was quite consistent with his secluded habits and advanced age amongst his few was that of loving too to listen to a story and many a pleasant hour had i sat by his side of the characteristic sayings and doing of his neighbourhood here i had never found the least of cordial hospitality here even on the present occasion the same kind greeting await ed me and here i thought i can at large upon my recent elevation the daughters who draw so beautifully will listen while i tell of my bird s eye view i the pains op pleasing and the old gentleman will be delighted to hear how the world looks from a but somehow or other no one introduced the all absorbing subject and i ventured more than once to hint at my late travels and excursions to different places no one took up the tale but conversation became heavy and a perceptible sensation of something lurking in the back ground made me wish myself away and when i heard about a fire being lighted in a little private study belonging to my venerable friend i felt almost as if the hour of doom were at hand it was an easy doom however compared with what the solemn preparations had led me to expect for nothing could exceed the kindness of the lecture which i listened to that night from one whose charity knew no bounds but i was distressed to find that here even in my strong hold i could no longer be looked upon as a fitting companion for young girls whose characters were and when i returned to the quiet sitting room i felt id the presence of the simple rational and happy circle around the fire as if i bore the of a crime for what my heart told me was nothing more than an one slight circumstance was yet to stamp my condemnation with a deeper impression the two sons of this worthy family were of those opposite extremes of character which are not found in the society to which they belonged the elder was enlightened serious and philosophic the younger absurd and vulgar with the elder i had long been on terms of the most cordial intimacy the younger i always as an to every thing that was interesting or agreeable on this occasion the elder for not going home with me as usual saying that his brother would be glad to be my companion and the younger stepped forward quite delighted to walk home with a spirited girl who had been up in a saying all the way how much he hated tame quiet women like his sisters who did nothing but knit how much he admired ladies who had the courage to act and how he would never marry any one who did not hunt on the day i appeared in a large party rather crest fallen it is true but still with faint hopes that some liberal minds existed capable of the magnitude of mine but i found these liberal minds only in the idle and the dissipated who around me as if my late had established me on the footing of a kindred spirit and i returned home to wonder what that conduct would be that was approved by all had i but made the same earnest about the nature of that conduct which the approbation of him who has laid down his law for the of our lives i should not have sunk to rest with such a heavy heart nor awoke on the with such faint and uncertain views of the course i ought to pursue what is the object of my life is a question so necessary and natural to all who know themselves to be beings who cannot for one moment stay the process of thought nor live for a single day without wishing hoping or taking some steps towards that it seems almost incredible that any mind should exist by this important and alarming what is ihe object of my life from what am i expecting success or fearing disappointment whatever may be the nature of this object it will undoubtedly prove our greatest blessing or our greatest curse and if on mature investigation we are compelled to make the acknowledgment that we have no such object that we are living on from day to day like the beasts which perish eating drinking and sleeping without any other aim or purpose we ought	41
at least to lay aside the pride of human nature and not think that we are hardly dealt with if we perish but since there are few who would be willing to pass this sentence upon themselves let us hope few upon whom it could be justly passed does it not argue ignorance of our real state to say that we have no object and does it not every one to make inquiry what that object is since however it may be hidden from the eyes of man there will come a day when the secrets of all hearts will be laid open when the smothered fires that have long burned on the of the false god will blaze forth and when the hidden will have to stand or fall by the idol they have chosen lost in a of fruitless speculations i could not dared not acknowledge to my own heart what my object was i knew too well what it was not i knew it was not the service of my god i or the promotion f his glory and though in my secret soul i for something more substantial than i ad yet found to rest upon i never resolutely turned my thoughts to that which would have been my shield of safety in the hour of danger my rock of defence in the pilgrimage of the desert my home of rest after the toils of life finding the of my character a little shaken in the estimation of some of the more grave and scrupulous amongst my friends i my exertions in a private way to win by kindness what i could not command by respect i was ingenious in all kinds of fancy work painting cutting and carving and countless were the hours that i spent early and late for and wedding presents and birth presents denying myself necessary reading exercise and to finish a cap for the baby of one dear friend to through the wide spread leaves of a moss rose for another and to invent spot and for all at first i thought to make a merit of my services by telling of the quantity of work i had done but i soon found that what was done for all lost its value in the estimation of each and that to please one i must be silent as to what i done for another i was consequently deprived of the only reward i really praise for my industry and while accumulated labours crowded upon me i could not even complain of want of time only just this little for me said one when i told how ray sight was failing when my cap is finished i will ask you for no more said another i have promised my friend one of your sweetest drawings said a third and so on for my exertions were by no means confined to the circle of my own associates beyond them was the wider circle of theirs so that had the supply been increased a hundred fold it would still have been unequal to the demand but then my work was so exquisite my drawings so beautiful my inventions so i was such a dear good creature so useful in all their difficulties so necessary to all their and so in good truth i believe i was yet all the while my own lay open and for knowing too well the cost of i could not press my own suit beyond a simple request and therefore i found none who had time to make me a work bag nor was there an eye in our whole community that was sharp enough to see to an apron for me well well thought i it is of little now i will wait till the days of trial the days of and and then it will be my turn to receive in addition to the many difficulties and which i have mentioned as belonging to such a varied and wide circle of intimate friends i ought certainly not to omit one wliich i esteem the greatest as being most dangerous to that of conduct and open of mind without which no character can be worthy our esteem or admiration amongst my friends were some who cordially disliked each other and to these it was my misery to listen while they heaped and upon the absent party nor was my silent listening sufficient to satisfy their must take their part i must say that they were right and the other party wrong ii an uncommon case upon which something cannot be said on both sides and if there the pains of pleasing was but one circumstance in the conduct of those present and one act of glaring in that of the absent i sought out and dwelt upon them with all the warmth that friendship could require the persons accused would then tell their story to which endeavoured to listen with the same and during which i usually acted the same part a part which might have been safe and well not my name in some subsequent burst of anger been made use of as that of a convert and ally and thus a double and character assigned to me nor could i possibly in such circumstances have clear of such without i had possessed more tact than the most artificial of women and more wisdom than the wisest of men i had i believe in my early youth high notions of and sincerity of dealing and independence of mind bat the service of the world is mournfully de to noble sentiments and generosity of heart i well remember on one occasion hearing a friend of mine much spoken against by a at whose house she was in the habit of visiting and believing herself to be a welcome guest she had kindly	41
offered to assist the ladies in their knowledge of one of the continental languages and this kindness rewarded by the most cutting thrown out against her talents and she was one whom i esteemed highly but i had not the courage singly to oppose the tide besides there were things said to which i could offer no opposition such as the of her visits and the vexation with which they heard the announcement of her name i therefore thought i could not do less in common justice to my friend than her of her real situation with regard to this family which i did by merely warning her against seeking their acquaintance without any of the more parts of the story having done this and not liking to do it secretly i sent a note immediately to inform one of the young ladies of the part i had acted the most violent burst of indignation against me followed i was called a spy a a false friend a enemy and finally the despised person whose company carried disgust along with it was to invited and treated with favour f who live on vanity must not expect to die of mortification this simple event threw me into the deepest depression of mind and for a while i be i was in reality all this harsh family had called me instead of sinking under a cloud of melancholy which my sense of right and wrong i ought to have gathered wisdom from the past by learning that had i openly dared to take the part of one whom i esteemed an injured person it would have relieved me from the painful necessity of hearing or which out of consideration to me would most probably have been but that not having taken tliis part i had no title to the name of a true friend no right to make such a communication as that title alone could justify this was but one circumstance out of many of the same nature too tedious for me to relate or for you to listen to and amongst the number must not be forgotten those in which i myself from hearing one party only some degree of prejudice and acted accordingly oh my young friends it was a wearisome and heartless service in which i was engaged it was a hard and journey that led me through the wilderness of chapter iv to act the part of a true friend requires more conscientious feeling than to fill with credit and complacency any other station or capacity in social life because in all others the duties are more generally acknowledged more evident and more imperative but in friendship it is the heart only that pictures of private life what shall be done or stimulated or subdued encouraged or yet of all the little of intercourse conscience takes and those who assume the sacred name of friend without appealing to her will find their punishment in disappointment and remorse an agreeable kind or prudent friend it is not difficult to find but a true friend is a pearl of value rarely met with and not always according to its worth for a true friend must administer the bitter draught of reproof as well as tlie cup of consolation and who amongst us is able to drink of this draught and bless the hand by which it is presented we may perhaps the lapse of time recall the anxious solicitude of those who sought to correct our errors and wish in our moments of self condemnation that we had them near us to point out the way of but alas our at the very time when affection had wrought them up to the painful effort which a kind heart is capable of making has driven them from our side and we find too late that we have no longer a true friend a friend must be intimately acquainted with your character and have just enthusiasm enough in her attachment to render the meanest parts of it most disgusting to her whatever they may be to others she must have forbearance enough to your peculiar views and sentiments with sufficient dignity to support her own she must watch over you for good and study to protect you from evil she must commend without exciting your vanity and condemn without bitterness or reproach she must be of ridicule except when used to correct slight errors or like the stroke of the staff upon the ice to ascertain its strength and give confidence for farther trial she must be willing to receive as well as to give keeping no account of obligations she must never permit a misunderstanding to remain or an accidental want of kindness for and while the most trifling personal services are willingly performed she must above all things seek to and your mind sacrificing the pleasures of the present moment if necessary to your everlasting happiness and faithfully you in her prayers to the guidance and tion of him who is alone able to prepare you for the of eternal rest if all that i have said i should be able to add that in the course of my experience with the world it was my happiness to find one true friend you will rightly esteem me amongst the most privileged of human beings that this friend was of my own sex it is scarcely necessary to say since whatever may exist in the dreams of the i believe that a true ardent and lasting friendship between young men and young women is seldom to be found in real life and who that is capable of the influence of each character upon the in their social intercourse can withhold their regret that these should so invariably be destroyed by the false delicacy and all other kinds of falsehood that prevail in the world yet such is the tone and character of society in its present state tliat men	41
will be jealous and women will even in friendship and while this is the case the three grand of friendship confidence and must be wanting to render their intercourse either refined or the first time i ever beheld was at the house of a widow lady where other besides myself were away a winter s morning by the help of that most empty of all devices that men or rather women have adopted for the purpose of killing time the amusement of making calls the cold season had but just set in and the drawing room being yet by a fire we were seated snug and warm around a social hearth in a sitting room where a little girl of ten years old was preparing for her drawing lesson take your papers to the farthest table said the mother i dare say miss will not mind us she is always so abstracted she continued in an under tone when the pains of pleasing the door opened and a tall thin figure enter ed in well worn which had evidently seen better days miss hesitated when she saw how the was occupied the morning is so cold said the lady of the house that we leave the fire will you permit us to remain miss we promise not to interfere the bowed such an assent as implied a want of ability to refuse yet not for her look her voice her whole manner were gracious in the extreme and at the same time so dignified and that when she applied herself to the business of the day i could not help thinking that her native element would be found in a very sphere the of her beautiful for her face was so thin that you could not study it hi any other way the intelligence of her deep dark eyes and the of all her movements interested me deeply but when i heard the hollow cough which frequently interrupted her instructions saw the long thin fingers with which she held her pencil and caught the stolen glance which she more than once directed to the distant fire my interest gave place to sympathy and i longed to ofi er her some token by which she might know it to be sincere my anxiety was in some measure relieved when i saw the with an expression of unaffected look up into her face and say are you better this miss t at which she drew her hand over the shoulder of her pupil and bending towards her so near as to touch the rosy cheek with her own from whence the roses had for ever fled pursued her occupation without any other k than what related to the subject with which they were engaged i have brought my said she this morning in order that you may make your choice for i well know how hard a task it is to copy what is not suited to our own taste ah have you said the child clapped her hands with exultation stay stay my love said you must first finish this tree before you begin with any thing else with a look of disappointment the little pupil resumed her pencil and until the tree was completed but not without that it was so full of foliage and asking more than once if it would not look better without the lowest branch now now she exclaimed after the last rough touch upon the stem now i shall see all your beautiful drawings you will be disappointed my love said miss with a faint smile as she looked round evidently afraid lest the of the young should awaken interest elsewhere but i was the only one who heard or noticed what was going on the rest of the party were too busy with the events of a late extraordinary marriage to hear any voice but their own and miss spoke in so low a tone that it was with i could her passing remarks upon the drawings which the delighted child was turning over but this beautiful house said the girl you must not take it from me but tell me where this charming place can be that is the place where i was bom said miss with an altered voice i cannot talk to you about that drawing i hardly know whether it is good or bad and why do you not live there now asked the child still the picture it was sold my love and did you get all the money it must have been sold for a great deal you must be very rich if i were you i would not teach drawing nor wear that shabby fur i could not forbear a stolen to see with what philosophy miss bore this questioning i expected to behold her countenance flushed with indignation as mine was for her but knowing that no feeling was mingled with the familiarity of her young friend she answered with a placid and smile the money is not mine my love it was given pictures of private life those who had a better right to it but come we must not trifle away our time and you consider money so valuable i am sure you would not like your mamma to pay me for spending half an hour with you in idle talk oh yes i should for i like to talk with you best and i never see you except in these short lessons and you will not stay a moment when they are over you know i have others to attend to and i assure you it is harder to me than to you when i you for talking to me said miss pressing a kiss upon her brow it is not a fault of which i can accuse many but we both know it would be very wrong in me to receive money for what i have not done when	41
the good master who had sent us with directions of his own that we had not deemed them sufficient that we had listened to those who were themselves bewildered and thus had lost our way but i entreat you to pardon me i am actually preaching a sermon when i had meant only to show you my drawings the fair speaker then rose and after ringing the bell pressed me to partake of her usually solitary tea from this time i found in all i could desire in a and many were the hours of social enjoyment that i spent in what she first called her little den and where i soon found it possible to forget except the high tone of feeling which influenced her character the noble generosity ever warming her heart and the happiness which a close and familiar intercourse with refined and elevated minds never did i see this admirable woman distressed by paltry cares and though few could have more to contend with nor weighed down by the of vanity though few had experienced a more total change of fortune she had not made the world her idol even in the day of prosperity when its smile was upon her and therefore her spirit was not by its nor her feelings by its s pictures of private life chapter v not many evenings after the first i ever spent with i joined a mixed party where a gentleman was present who struck me forcibly by his resemblance not only to the portrait i have mentioned but to my friend herself who is that gentleman with dark hair i asked of a lady who sat near mc oh that she lowering her voice and her brow at the same time as if the fact was not fit to be spoken aloud that is young have you never heard of of lodge no what is there to hear of him nothing good i assure you the has wasted his father s property some say broken his heart and now do you know he drinks dreadfully indeed i am surprised that any one should think of inviting him to an evening party i understand he is a delightful companion when quite himself observed another lady but is such an odious vice one never can forget it my cousin jane who liked nothing better than a conference h d upon the follies and vices of mankind now joined and with bitter expressed her horror that so shocking a creature should be asked to meet us who was an extremely handsome man had now risen and joined a group of ladies who whatever they might say or think of him when absent looked evidently well pleased with his presence from them he arrived by a chain of communication at the part of the room where we were seated he had the most independent yet most manner of pleasing i ever remember to have seen so that while you were actually by his conversation you felt almost that be had taken so little pains to render it flattering or agreeable and while many were severe upon his character all the young and not a few of the old were won by his address now thought i my cousin jane will show her just of his conduct and when he took a vacant place between us i turned to observe the indignation of her countenance and listened for the well which i felt convinced she would bestow upon him it is a long time said he since i had the happiness of seeing miss my cousin bowed not and said it was indeed a long time since they had met the last time he continued was on the day of that romantic excursion when the storm overtook us up the mountain and you were the only woman who had the courage to stand with me upon that tremendous precipice and watch the lightning playing at our feet when i borrowed a cloak of the shepherd s wife and put on the shepherd s hat and j as you ought to look the genius of the valley below protecting it from the fury of the tempest do you not it is worth all the tame pleasures of domestic life now and then to spend a day like this amongst the hills with nothing but the purple beneath our feet and the blue heavens above our heads i do then why are we so of an enjoyment which may at any time be ours what say you to a party on the river to grove where i understand the woods are delightful will you go with all my heart and thus the conversation went on to my litter amazement until interrupted by some common place remark from me which seemed to break the charm for immediately turned and addressing me in a grave and earnest manner said i have not ihe pleasure of having been introduced to you but as you are the lady who has kindly visited my poor sister i know you will pa don me when i say that i have made my way from the farthest extremity of the room by slow advances and march for the purpose of thanking you what i have done for my own gratification i replied cannot surely me to your thanks but i have heard of such a thing as being thankful for yet to come and i am living in the hope that your first visit may not be your last poor was once the idol of that society from which she is now excluded and for what because she teaches to the children of these people the accomplishments by which society is and adorned what a marked difference is by the world in its treatment of men and wo i men your remark is but too just miss only think of me for one moment i ask no more	41
a who has ruined his father a man without any honourable means of existing to say nothing of my present habits which are well known to every one here yet so long as i can wear and drink wine and tell a good story and talk of the hounds i once kept there will still be gentlemen so liberal as to invite me to their dinners and ladies so generous as to dance with me laugh with me and plan parties of pleasure of which i am to be one while my sister the noblest the most dignified the purest minded of women pines in her solitude and may not join the circles which she is only too good to because she prefers maintaining herself by her own exertions to that worst of all slavery dependence on the great will you visit my poor sister sometimes will you cheer her loneliness and make her feel that she is not altogether desolate she cannot be desolate while she has a brother so kindly interested for her happiness ah i find you do not know me i owe your patience in listening to me to your ignorance of who i am are not others equally patient you better and thus said he in a lower tone they prove themselves to be to a greater love of virtue than they really feel we who are called men of the world acquire great knowledge of the human heart we hear the cry that is set up for the cause of virtue we come into the presence of virtuous women where charity indeed would seem to prevail for how few how very few to remember our against us or turn a deaf ear to the flattery of profane lips yet tliis charity i have good reason to believe is of rather nature and does not always accompany the ladies to their own fire sides where if my tells me right they not the character him upon whom they have so lately bestowed their sweetest smiles is it not so miss no no you are too severe women are in their judgment of men by tlie artificial rules established in society which their sense of right and wrong and where they one man to be to vices which they they have so much reason to suspect others that it would be almost impossible fur them to fix a definite line by which to mark their approbation or contempt it is my turn now to complain of your severity said laughing then you know my conduct to be bad but you suspect that of so many others to be no better that you will not single me out as the object of your especial i think nothing that i have heard of your t so bad i replied as the coolness and indifference with which you speak of it yourself thank you miss you might have told me to in words as he said this he rose and turning for an instant towards me our eye met the woman who would not who would not please where she ought not in short who would act and should be very careful of her eyes the eye is the mirror of the soul into which nature teaches us to look in order tliat we may read the truth while the lips are closed in secrecy the eye will betray what the heart is most to conceal pictures of d life and she would pronounce a must be over watchful of a wandering glance the eye that wonder working miracle of intelligence is capable of in an instant the pretensions of the most accomplished of giving bitterness to jest and sweetness to reproof of what the lips have said of th fountain that was flowing fresh and warm from the h art and of melting into tenderness the bosom that was against the voice of pity what was written in my eyes on that memorable ion it is impossible for me to say but seated himself beside me and i saw and heard him only for the remainder of the evening it not long before i repeated my to whose character i found more the i was permitted to approach towards that intimacy which i have ever looked upon as tlie greatest blessing of my life there was at this time a upon bar and something of abstraction in her manner which i was unable to understand i oi knowing the anxiety that was upon her susceptible mind and h r naturally delicate constitution we were conversing on subjects which excited h r to energy and warmth but i observed that she paused suddenly and turned her b ad in e attitude pf listening rushed past the windows or was heard pacing the quiet street below at last there waa aloud knock at th door d started up with hope and gladness in her exclaiming ii is my brother i if he been long from home oh no only at k dinner she then continued in a low and you do not know grant you never may what it is to doubt her words were interrupted by the en trance pf her brother and she turned to receive him a smile th might almost ha e a spirit ihe of bliss would that sinner from of vice had torn if away at an early hour from the and his sister aware of the struggle such an effort must have cost him devoted herself to his amusement with a degree of vivacity and animation stimulated by the real happiness of feeling that he was safely and securely at her side and that one hour of temptation had passed over without its victim i know not how far my own conversation contributed to the enjoyment of tl ev ing but it was one over which memory still and from which time has not yet the	41
of engagement with him nor sacrifice one of your own respectability even in the opinion of the world for his sake such a sacrifice would be to you and could be of little service to him for such are the necessary laws for the protection of the female character that should a woman descend but one step from her proper station to draw up a man who has fallen below his she is not only unable to assist him who will not assist himself but becomes inevitably involved in his degradation i was sitting with late one evening my sister having agreed to call for me on her return from a party when my friend closed to me more than she had ever done before of her past life and of fortune i do not like to dwell much upon this theme she said for when i speak of my parents and the home i once enjoyed i feel my failing health too keenly the want of those comforts which a weakly frame is apt to make us pine for the natural heart is affected by natural things and human tenderness ever human weakness thus while i weep too when i think of my own mother and turn too fondly to her past kindness when treated harshly by strangers my desire is to think more and more of that parent whose arm is still near to support me of that home where the weary may find everlasting rest and of those comforts which are provided for the helpless and the i replied that we did well to look to the rest that was eternal for this world had little to offer pictures of private ufe i believe she continued that the true christian may enjoy a degree of peace which almost deserves the name of rest even in this life it is not so much the fault of the world as of our own hearts that we are so tossed about by interests and worn by paltry cares and if we first love god and then the creatures he has formed his own image we shall be able to regard the world of which they form a part without either to it the importance that is ht only by minds or the contempt which h assumed along with a pretence to superior wisdom but if we first love the world we shall find neither time nor ability to devote our to the author of it and however faithful our service may be we must look to the world for our reward and to a jealous god for our punishment let me warn you my dear friend against too great a sacrifice the sake of pleasing it is an amiable desire which leads you on but you must have learned by this time the utter impossibility of gratifying all the wishes of all your friends and there is an economy of time and thought which is necessary in order that we may our powers for more purposes nothing can look more like virtue at first sight than to spend your time your thoughts and talents in the service of others but may not these valuable faculties and possessions be away in things of very trifling importance when they might with just the same degree of kind and generous be more employed the evening was now growing late and as hour hour passed on became more grave and silent until her cheerfulness entirely gave way and she could speak on no theme but one my said she you are with me now for the first time in my hour of weakness the midnight hour when my brother has not returned she was pacing to and fro in her narrow apartment and i had no consolation to offer except a few empty words of hope that he would soon be here he will i doubt not she answered but h v i had never beheld him except am a man of dignity and wait unable to picture him even to my imagination in any other character we are all that are left of a fallen family she went on the last of a name but this would be nothing if my poor brother could but lay down his head at night with the blessing of heaven upon his the midnight hour was now passed and was still pacing to and fro with weary and irregular steps help hollow cheeks had grown more pale and haggard from the want of natural repose and her dark eyes more bright and flashing with the fever burning in her veins her long locks had been thrown back from her forehead as if to the burden of her brain and it might be with a slight touch of impatience arising from her disorder and the many many times she had paced the floor at the same hour of night na eye was upon her save that which in darkness as at noon day oh t were it possible for man to penetrate the recesses of woman s heart to know all her fervent love her deep anxiety her burning hopes her aching fears her her zeal her of self he would surely sometimes tear himself away from that which is not of the heart to her anguish and snatch her from a premature but lingering death the brother of this woman came at last aod howl we heard the tread of many feet and one rude laugh before the bell was wrung with a violence that made us start for had been so careful that all the inmates of the should be asleep and unconscious of what might pass that we had spoken softly and seldom for the last hour she took up the lamp in silence and beckoned me to follow did so and received it from her hand when we had reached the which she as i the pains of pleasing	41
quickly and with as little noise as possible i had seen her a few moments before weary and almost helpless as a child hut she now stood in a commanding attitude before the jovial crew who controlled their boisterous mirth at her presence while she received her brother from their arms him along the passage and ap stairs without a word except to tell me to bar the door and remain below and if my sister should call to go quietly without waiting to see her again awed into obedience by her firmness dignity and self possession i did as she directed but when all again was silent and secure i lost my presence of mind and throwing myself upon a couch gave way to the natural horror occasioned hy he spectacle i had just witnessed of the man i most admired and loved lost degraded and the woman who continues to love the man whom she has seen proves beyond a doubt one of these two facts either that she has no true sense of he dignity of the human mind or that her love is love indeed it was not long before returned still pale but now her faint hopes were over and she had nothing more to fear calm patient and resigned with the active of an affectionate nurse she the fire and made ready some refreshment as if he for whom she prepared it was worthy of her tenderest care nor was i forgotten in her solicitude for him while waiting for the boiling of the water she turned towards me and holding out her hand my poor friend she was beginning to say but we both knew it was no time for words and the next moment i felt her tears upon my cheek when will you be able to find rest for yourself said i she smiled but made me no answer dear you cannot drag on life in this manner i have existed in this manner for two years said she you see i have a great deal of strength left and so saying she took up the and smiled as she passed me with such a look of love and pity as i imagine angels wear when they go forth upon their errands of mercy soon after this i heard the sound of carriage wheels and in a few moments was listening to my sister and my cousin relating the various amusements literary and intellectual of the the same evening may be spent thought i and was silent the brother of my friend been a man of generally conduct or manners the fatal spell which bound me to him could never have existed or must have been broken on the first discovery that such was his real character but he was at this time the victim of one vice only into which he plunged in a sort of desperation brought on by his altered circumstances and his want of right principle to bear them with fortitude and this vice had not yet been long enough in operation to produce the natural and inevitable consequence of the whole heart of every hope and every desire he had his seasons of of which i was not a witness j his of agony and remorse in which he would appeal to his sister and to me for that encouragement which i at least was unable to but had looked upon the of life with a deeper sense of the dealings of providence than i had as we through the wilderness together she was to me like a blessed messenger who brought tidings of wells of water when i was faint and despairing you see she would often say my brother has not yet lost his love of virtue to you i need not point out the delicacy tenderness of his regard for those whom he is able to respect while this remains i replied there is hope there is hope to the very last she answered there was hope for the thief upon the cross when he appealed to the and there is hope for the sinner in his dying hour i own my spirit within me at every fresh instance of ingratitude sa of the heart from but i know that he continues to be merciful and that when we are weak and powerless to assist each other he has his own wise and gracious means inscrutable to the understanding of man by which he calls back his wandering sheep and his servants at the hour with this melancholy attachment kept alive by alternate hope and fear praying upon my heart i dragged on a existence but so great was my in the art of managing my countenance my voice and my whole that i could still laugh with the merry sigh with the sad argue with the with the poetical reason with the profound and trifle with the gay indeed i could accomplish all the business of life for of mine this was the business without betraying the real state of my heart and affection there was one thing however i could not do i could not sit down with a confidential friend and talk over in perfect and freedom some of the topics which had been wont to interest me most here i was at fault and consequently some of my friends thought me less agreeable than formerly and no wonder for to be generally pleasing in society it is necessary that the heart should be free from absorbing care and what cause can be so productive of care perplexity and distraction of thought as an unfortunate and ill placed attachment oh guard against this enemy my young friends as you would against one that is able to destroy the happiness of the soul both here and hereafter and let your defence be a rightly governed mind and your protection the love of your heavenly	41
what no one else could understand the chain of sympathy broken and broken for ever bat i had nothing to complain of i could not tell the friend of my soul that her brother s voice was changed and that he did not look at me as he was wont nor was the change so marked as to me to ask for an explanation pictures of private life there was nothing i could do but pity myself and be silent it was not long before my friend told me that her brother s altered views had stimulated him to seek some regular employment by which he might become a more useful member of society i thought he might have first mentioned this to me and when i found that my father was the person he had chosen to consult respecting his future proceedings i fell doubly pained at being thus completely excluded from his confidence still as there never had existed between us any kind of engagement beyond what was implied in a mutual of regard i could not in common y demand what i had never before doubted was my right my father communicated to my sister and myself together the first intelligence i heard that he had agreed to find employment for in the bank for said he and i inwardly blessed him for the words i firmly believe to be an altered man and his talents for b if he will but use them no one can doubt i felt my face beginning to tell its burning secret but i had a ready way of myself from all such and after tying up a drooping rose which had suddenly attracted my attention in the adjoining green house i returned when my cheeks were cooler and assured my father that s description of her brother was so favourable that i did not think those who trusted him now would find him unworthy i wish it may be so observed my cousin jane i should be very careful how i trusted him my sister spoke more kindly and begged my father if he thought it would be any support to his better resolutions to extend his confidence so far as sometimes to invite him to the house my hand trembled as i gathered up another rose and i almost forgot the cloud which had lately me in the happiness of this moment the altered character of the confidence of my father and the hopes of my sister he was admitted occasionally into our family circle on terms of social intercourse at first i felt to conceal the degree of intimacy which had once been ours but my apprehensions of detection were in the manner i should last have desired had any thing of this nature been betrayed it would have been on my only and i must have been miserably deficient in female delicacy and had i not been willing also to forget what no longer appeared worthy of being remembered once and once only was the subject alluded to between us i had completed a gift which he had himself asked of me in days which i will not call happier but in days when i believe i was less wretched this gift i presented to him one day when we were alone he received it i thought with some emotion and addressing me once more by my name that sound so full of meaning said he i am unworthy of this my love has been shaken by a tempest if it has now neither leaves nor flowers nor fruit to offer you blame me not i owe you much and i feel that i am not ungrateful name it not said i to see you changed in heart and conduct is all i ever asked as my reward continue thus and i shall be the happiest of women i would have said but my heroism me and i turned away to hide my tears said he and he laid his hand upon my arm for the last time with a look which owed its tenderness to pity amongst the heavy burdens which have lately rested on my conscience is the stem duty ot telling you say no more said i thank you for wishing to spare it was myself i wished to spare i added and he paused for a moment you need not tell me that you love me no longer it is sufficiently evident to one who can think and feel but i must tell you the cause with the change of my heart my views of moral j the pains of pleasing excellence are changed and while i no longer admire that generosity and kindness which owe their existence to the impulse of the moment i feel that i can love only where there is of character and of principle how strange is the of the human mind for receiving impressions from what does not appear at the time to strike the attention it must be that the faculty of perception is quickened anew by the touch of some vital part or that the flood gates of the mind thrown open by one tremendous burst loose and broken fragments are borne in along with the impetuous current whatever the y of tliis mental phenomenon may be i remember even now the day the hour the state of the atmosphere when these words were spoken the room the pictures the furniture within the flowers the birds the sunshine without and yet so absorbing was the theme to which the words related that i stood fixed to the spot like a statue long after the speaker had departed and left me alone alone indeed for i was lost in a grief that admitted no a grief under which even had it been possible to find i could not have sought communion a grief which i neither looked	41
for consolation to soothe nor anguish to a grief unto itself in its terrible individuality this was the man for whom i had prayed and wept and my had been that his heart might be changed his heart was changed and i had no right to complain in my desire to administer comforts and to one who had enjoyed in early life a more than common share i had practised a degree of economy at with my usual habits and when idle comments were made upon my lately acquired to spare every unnecessary expense i felt a secret exultation burning in my cheeks and lighting up my eye with more happiness than i could have derived from any merely selfish gratification but this secret spring of enjoyment was destined to be dried up like many others with which i had been wont to refresh myself in the wilderness of life could now and he too had his hidden purpose for which he toiled and a calculation as accurate as could be made of all that i had spent upon him was entered into at his desire by his sister and the supposed amount laid before me in genuine and current coin i resisted with all the spirit that was left me and denied the of the sum but all in vain there was something cool and imperative in his manner that awed me into obedience and i received the money with that sickness of soul which most frequently upon its resignation nothing however could have induced me to spend this sum upon myself it was hid in a secret where it might have remained until this day had not an opportunity occurred of sending it forth through a more worthy channel the health of was failing rapidly and when the summer came with its from the toils of education it appeared highly necessary that some plan should be adopted to restore her wasted powers and enable her to renew her accustomed labours her thoughts were so far removed from all false delicacy and paltry pride that she could accept a kindness with the grace and dignity of one who gives and when i pressed upon her the advice of her physician my own scheme for removing her to the south of england she answered me with tears of gratitude as she would wish to be answered in similar circumstances herself it was once she said the happiness of my life to be generous and it is now my part to receive and i thank my god that i have one friend who is both able and willing to assist me we are dependent creatures bound to each other by innumerable obligations which constitute the strength and of social fellowship it may appear to those who think more noble to be above receiving assistance but were all too proud to t pictures of private life i duty of giving freely and cheerfully would find no room to operate and if none were willing to he helped how should we exercise the christian graces of kindness and charity i h ve struggled hard that i might not the ground nor upon the of others were it probable that you would ever feel the want of what is now to my necessities believe me i would rather die than my life at the expense of you but you tell me and i cannot doubt your word that you are well able to assist me and i will not deny you the happiness of binding up the broken reed my kind father ever too indulgent to his children and not averse to my project added more than was sufficient to my store and if when i set off with my precious charge to the southern coast the of my heart was not in tune with perfect happiness the fault was not in my friend nor in the sense of satisfaction which upon our kindest and most actions as we proceeded slowly on our journey was the countenance of that friend turned towards me with looks of tenderness while she pressed my hand but spoke not for there was even between us one subject one of intense and mutual interest now seemingly forbidden i at least could find no words for my feelings and struggled long with hers before she could convey an idea of them to me nor was it possible even then that her sympathy could be equal to my need hers was a gentle spirit bound passing through the of tears with no desire but to point out the celestial city to other by the way and to gather in the nearest and dearest beneath the shelter of the sacred walls i was a in the wilderness lighting up my lone cave spreading forth my store and preparing rest for the weary traveller but the traveller had passed on and the desert was more dreary the cave more lonely than before i knew that he had gone forth to seek a better land and that all who seek may find yet was i unable to bless his parting footsteps for i was behind no it was impossible that should wholly with me those who live for heaven cannot feel with those who live for earth i who had prayed that the wanderer might be in any way on any terms and had added in the of the moment even without my or now found that my prayer was granted and acknowledged that i was not happy yes i was almost happy when i felt the of the gentle breezes and met the pleased and animated look of my friend the first view of the wide ocean had burst upon us as we descended into a peaceful valley where the green slopes and the rich of foliage a mild and genial atmosphere such as the wasted and the weary delight to breathe we were not long in fixing upon a low	41
cottage for our temporary residence where if the roses were not fair to me the lovely and the sweet were all i could desire for in her enjoyment i sought and found my own and so well was i in the art of appearing what i was not that this excellent and creature knew little of the sadness with which i sometimes looked around upon that world of nature where her purer eye beheld enough of beauty glory and magnificence to fill the of celestial praise and ire with melody the of the my friend had retired to rest came my hour of melancholy when no eye was upon me but that of the great father of the universe whom i was not serving when no step was near and yet i marked in the wide expanse before me the of a god at whose shrine i was not offering up my heart when the blue skies the shining stars and the silent vault of heaven were above me and i was not bowing before the majesty of their creator nor acknowledging his empire in my soul for a short time the invalid revived and f the pains of pleasing we spoke of the future as those converse who expect to share a long life together but this transient hope soon failed us and i was at a loss how to carry on our conversation beyond the present hour assisted me for death was no new subject of contemplation to her and whether she spoke of this world or the next her heart was full of hope and trust we were seated together one sunny morning with the door of our cottage thrown open to admit the refreshing breezes that waved the light of and mingled its perfume with the rose when asked me if i did not wonder at her apparent indifference about her worldly concerns you see me here said she almost my strength failing and the time fast approaching when unless something unexpected should occur i must return to duties which i am rapidly becoming less able to perform i replied it was indeed a most situation and yet i do not fear she continued there is sometimes a veil drawn over what we are unable to look upon i pretend to no prophetic vision but have we not heard of instances in which the mother has been permitted to forget her child so that the thought of its orphan helplessness did not her dying hour is it not the same merciful hand that is now closing my eyes to the mysterious future in order that i may trust more entirely to my heavenly father my friend she continued stretching out to me her hand you who have supplied to me all the tender offices of a sister i know not whether the happy hours we have lately spent together are ordained to be the last and the sweetest but as i have always wished to be a faithful to you so now i would leave if we must indeed be torn asunder my parting charge upon your heart endeavour to live more to yourself or rather more to your god and while as a practical christian you neglect none of the duties us towards our fellow creatures hold yourself more separate from the world hour of trial has not yet me and oh that it never may i have no quarrel with the world nor would complain of its unkind ness but as a master it is a cruel tyrant and its service wretched slavery my friend paused after uttering these words and we both looked out in silence towards the blue sea where a few white sails were passing to and fro and the waves just ruffled by the summer gale fell upon the shore with a distant and monotonous sound our were interrupted by the rapid approach of a well known step in an instant stood before us and unconscious of the critical stage of his sister s malady gave utterance at once to the glad tidings he had brought i he exclaimed i am an independent man i can now repay your kindness my uncle in scotland is dead and i am proved to be his heir my own let me hear you say how happy we once more be together had started from her seat on the first appearance of her brother her hands and eyes were raised to heaven and one burst of gratitude had passed her lips when a sudden flush of crimson rushed into her cheeks spreading with a rapid and burning glow over her temples and forehead while she sunk back supported only by her brother s arms for one moment her countenance was lighted up with a faint smile it was the last effort of nature and my first my only friend was no more she was buried in a quiet church yard in that valley where the early the feeble and the failing still resort but where the airs too sought in vain visit none more lovely or more worthy to be loved we left her lowly grave to the solitude of that scene to the of wild flowers the song of summer birds and the murmur of the ocean waves we left her grave where we had wept together and returned again to the busy and tumultuous world k there was nothing on the journey to cheer or revive my drooping spirits neither sought nor offered consolation he was deeply affected perhaps too deeply to think of me for had there not occurred one short interval of notice the nature of which rendered it infinitely worse than none i should scarcely have supposed him to be conscious of my presence we were pursuing our melancholy way in silence when he suddenly addressed me in a very serious manner on the subject of economy a which introduced once more the return of the	41
seldom exercised in vain again obtained for me that popularity i had once enjoyed and with it those demands upon my time and talents which had them away before if less interested than formerly in the business of making friends i was perhaps more patient and from a painful and humiliating sense of my and helpless situation and thus with the increase of my intimate associates my expenses were increased also for there were tender hearted creatures who wept at parting and would not be without a promise of correspondence young gentlemen who did everything but offer me their hands and amongst the rest wrote for a letter of advice every week protesting that i was the only person who had power to influence their lives besides the whole community to supply with tokens of affection and what not resources i had none and my brother s liberality was the last i would willingly have upon so that notwithstanding the comforts of his home which i was often pressed to regard as my own i lost all fortitude to behold my three letters every morning to draw upon him for the constant hire of carriages and other expenses attendant upon the social life i was leading and determined to seek a residence where i could and live more privately i had or believed i had innumerable friends and i now resolved to favour them with some of those long visits which they had so what i am about to relate of these friends may appear to against that benevolence and good will which long experience has taught me to believe does really exist amongst mankind and which it would be both unjust and ungrateful in me to attach with doubt or suspicion it is my firm conviction that a great deal of personal kindness may be found in the world and those who complain of the contrary have surely never looked for it in a right spirit for my own part i have doubt tliat more than one family would willingly have taken upon themselves the entire charge oi my maintenance that many would have freely to my necessities out of their own means that all were kinder to me than i deserved and that the distressing in which i was involved were not owing so much to any fault of theirs as to my own mistaken views of human life and that which ought to be our chief object in through it one of the greatest arising from a multitude of friends is that of being the of advice from them all so tliat a soul of alone can remain in its determination while subject to the influence of opinions so various and on the present occasion as well as on all others in which i was called upon to act my friends poured in upon my attention their different sentiments respecting the steps i was about to take i listened consulted and listened again each night what the day had done and the comments of the morning the convictions of the night but there were moving springs within my own heart which my friends were unable to lake into account of pecuniary considerations there were melancholy associations attached to my sister s home which i should have been sorry had any one possessed the penetration to discover that woman must have an mind indeed who can harbour for the husband of another one thought that against her happiness hut i own i could not contemplate the domestic scene at my sister s fire side without being made doubly sensible of my own forlorn and situation i could not feel that was my brother i could not attain the art which the greek philosopher esteemed more highly than that of memory the art of forgetting people reason when they talk about the prudence or of our actions they see the surface only and know not what lies beneath which we who have been plunged into deep waters may be struggling to escape from they perceive not the bright vision in the distance which us they feel not the thorns under our feet nor know the hidden of a path where flowers have been scattered with a heavy heart i left my sister to try my fortune on the precarious footing of that affection which had risen up and been under the sun of prosperity my first attempt was made upon the heart of a very early friend to whom i had written stating the pleasure i intended doing myself and her she received me with kindness it is true but wishing to be quite candid told me when it was too late that i had fixed upon the very time when she was most engaged however she would make no stranger of me i begged she would not and assured her i had no objection to be left alone this lady was a rigid i believe a good woman but certainly one who would never heal a broken heart her pleasure i will not say her pride was in dragging hidden things to light and making the world go her own way i had thought her severe even when we shared the days of girlish glee together but an plain person and forbidding manners having many of her associates her temper had become by the absence of those mutual kind offices which life and soften down rugged passages miss was in all personal and recommended others to be the fame a piece of advice which she assisted them to adopt by all temptations from her domestic the pains of pleasing still she was kind and in the midst of her hard fare and home dealing would press upon me the welcome of the heart and urge my remaining with her for reasons to because she had great hopes of being able to do me good b beating off all the of my character and me to the measure	41
of that narrow space which she took good care i should not forget was allotted to me in the creation i have often thought the power of sympathy extended far beyond the opportunity of expressing it else why that mysterious attraction between individuals who know little of each other s real character even within the guarded circle of miss s associates i found some to whom i could confide my thoughts and many more who trusted theirs to me but in these moments of social intercourse i was watched with such a eye that the pleasure was hardly worth the price paid for it i sometimes talked too much at other times too little always said something that would have been better and so invariably acted that i was tempted to call in question the real d of my friend for one whose conduct and manners afforded her so little satisfaction i was then told it was wounded vanity that made me doubt her affection that i had lived so much on flattery i could not bear to hear the truth and that my friend had always thought me exceedingly vain i could not but wonder why this wholesome intelligence had never been communicated to me before alas the season of is too made choice of for the telling of home truths and the of faults that were willingly borne with in our prosperous days how is it that the world so much more faithfully its stern duties to the poor than to the that those who have not one worldly wish feel themselves called upon to preach patience and humility to the fallen while they fail to whisper a word of censure to those who are above them would not a slight of moral courage sometimes turn the bitter and unwelcome tide into channels where it is more needed a slight touch of christian charity withdraw it from the low places already by the waters of affliction although miss professed to love above every thing i observed that few people were candid with her and therefore determined to try the experiment of returning the compliment it was always painful to me to dwell upon the of my friends either to themselves or to others so i ventured and with great delicacy to hint at the beauty of gentleness of manners but no sooner was the hint understood than a storm burst forth for which i was little prepared and in the rage of the moment harsh things were said that would have driven a spirit even more subdued than mine to seek shelter elsewhere i believe my friend was sorry that she had compelled me to leave her before the work of was completed i have no doubt that her were kindly intended to promote my good but her were too severe for my constitution and i left her with the conviction more than ever impressed u n my mind that it is impossible to love those who will not let us have a single just as impossible as to thank the doctor who declares his determination to follow up the application of and bitter draught until every constitutional malady even the with which we were bom shall be removed my next experiment was made upon a safer though less rocky foundation mrs frank was a lady whom i had formerly known as a lively handsome and almost fascinating country with bright black hair dark eyes round face and never fading bloom she had been a celebrated a loud random and something of a and i felt a good deal of curiosity to know what sort of figure she would make when adorned with honours there was but one kind of character which mrs could be a wife a foolishly indulgent i no pictures of private life mother and a warm hearted active bustling hospitable mistress of a house her easy husband well satisfied to have secured a treasure for which so many sighed in vain smiled with complacency at her boisterous and would hardly have purchased the entire possession either of his dignity or his repose with the sacrifice of her pretty and becoming which he well knew would soon give place to smiles more lovely and more winning mrs was not the woman to wait until her guest had been shown up stairs before she yielded to the impulse of hospitality the farthest gate between two prodigious jaw bones at the extremity of an avenue of was the groom was in readiness for the horse and the master and both stood upon the step before the door smiling their hearty welcome while alternately wrapped in the wide folds of the matron s skirts or peeping past her apron where little merry looking creatures with cherry s and lips forever by the honey dew of their mother s my friend received me with an embrace so warm and cordial that i trembled for the of her yellow head dress and the profusion of and ribbons distributed over her stout and comely person but i soon found she was used to this kind of thing and would care little for the destruction oc her best wreath of red roses if the work of mischief were but wrought by an impulse of affection nor was she so far removed from the stage of infancy but that a kind kiss would if it did not entirely remove all her and make peace for the most daring i was soon asked into a spacious and handsome dining room where two or three lazy were kicked up from the hearth rug and an old favourite cat encouraged to remain here a hundred kind questions were asked me which i was not allowed time to answer wine and the richest of all rich cakes pressed upon me and the dear baby sent for to see the lady and try whether he would be quiet in her arms but this experiment proving	41
opportunity of saying audibly this is the lady i have so recommended the brother was a decided improvement upon mr frank he really had some notion of books and made himself so well pictures of private life l acquainted with the history of his own estate that he could talk about roman roads and the roman method of walls alas that refinement should spoil half our pleasures while it makes us but a poor by the other half until they are too exquisite to last on by the vanity of being the star of this evening i laid aside all the refinement i could spare without myself and was hale fellow well met with all the stout country old and young who drank their dozen cups or tea eat their proportion of cake talked and played cards at mrs s party it was for aught i know a pleasant evening to all the other guests to me it was hot on the following morning while my friend was occupied as usual in her domestic greatly increased on this occasion by the eating and drinking of the preceding day i was seated alone and while lost in a kind of reverie composed of floating pictures of my fate and indefinite speculations as to the real character of this mr how he would be likely to himself at the head of his own table and many other strange thoughts for a stranger as i was then the man himself appeared and me with the familiarity of an old acquaintance he said his man had brought along with him a capital lady s and if i was fond of riding it should be immediately i looked out the sun was bright the atmosphere fresh and i consented and we set off for a long morning s ride the man who wishes to make interest with a woman does well to lend her a good horse and accompany her through green lanes and slopes where the of the hoofs is scarcely heard upon the soft turf whatever affords us real pleasure we are disposed to like and the transition from the animal to its master is not so great but that a kind and grateful heart may sometimes be induced to make it mr and i soon discovered that a summer s morning was not the best time for riding and his sister s early tea afforded us a much more interesting opportunity of through the lanes sometimes while the lengthened shadows lay in cool relief upon the ground and sometimes when the moon was shining through the silvery mists of twilight how of en did i wish during these excursions that my kind companion would be willing to remain silent and just keep a little way behind or that i could close my eyes to his person and my ears to his coarse with what satisfaction could i then have looked from the hill where he took me to obtain a distant view of the domain which he was proud to call his and with what fondness might i have the animal which he was pleased to call mine when a man gives you his horse it has a serious sound and the woman who does not wish an offer of himself to follow would do well to ride no more it would certainly have been one of the last of my wishes that mr should present his large hand to me and yet i rode out with him again and again helping his few ideas with so many of my own and supplying him with words when at a loss as if from the very sympathy of my mind that we did vastly well together and he at least was perfectly satisfied for my habitual mode of appearing pleased left him little room to doubt that i was so with him i was living too amongst those who looked upon him as a sort of superior being and i sometimes questioned whether i should not be more fastidious than wise to throw away an opportunity of making what his sister was pleased to call a catch amongst the many arts which i had learned in my intercourse with the world was that of off or bringing on an offer of marriage with so much tact and delicacy that none but the most penetrating or the most ill natured could accuse me of design on the present occasion however i had to contend with so strong a determination to that fatal point that i found i must either give the pains of pleasing up my pleasant altogether involve myself in a very disagreeable or leave the hospitable roof of the where i was at least sure of a and genuine welcome nor was it until i resolved upon this last alternative that i felt the strong hold these cheerful and people had upon my regard by their habits and laying before them my more extensive knowledge of facts and persons and they wanted nothing more i had become a general favourite and had good reason to believe that the early and late parties of mrs frank had never been so brilliant before i had not at first quite understood what people of vulgar and empty minds are most in want of for amusement but i was perfectly now and could at the of my laugh at round backs and crooked noses wonder whether those who were better dressed than myself had paid their christmas bills set down all for my conversation with a little country and finally fill up the chapter of folly by i did not understand thus had my time been spent and because thus spending it had obtained for me unbounded admiration i felt some regret at taking leave of my friend mrs and receiving the tenderest of her wealthy brother which however he kindly promised with a look intended to be expressive should not be for	41
ever chapter ix from tne hospitable home of the i made a sudden and almost startling transition to the residence of my most aristocratic perhaps i ought rather to say my acquaintance for mrs had never possessed enough of ttie milk of human kindness to our intercourse into l friendship she was however a very desirable sort of person to keep on good terms with for those who wished to catch now and then a glimpse at what is called good society and were willing to sacrifice the warm comfort of the heart for this uncertain privilege mr was pleased to send his carriage to accommodate me for which i should have been more thankful could he have compelled his coachman o look pleased but there is something in the services which the of the wealthy render to their poor friends and poor relations which makes them to the any thing but agreeable obligations on at the door of my new i was greeted with no kindly welcome a looking woman showed me up stairs to my own room where i was left to myself with the information that the bell would ring for dinner in the course of an hour dinner i had ridden ten miles having of an early tea but there was no need to expose my late i had only to prepare for one of mrs s hot and like many other extreme cases about which so much wonder and alarm is expressed there would be little except in name before an hour had expired mrs was graciously pleased to send her own woman to assist me in performing the duties of my toilet thus conveying the first intimation that she was conscious of my arrival nor was it with gratitude at all to the favour that i accepted the services of mrs james whose sharp eyes seemed to flash and peep about penetrating through my ill wardrobe with most scrutiny to spy out the of the land has this woman come thought i but i submitted myself to the magic of her fingers as the only chance i had of appearing in such a manner as would not make me wish myself up stairs again after i had been seated at table once during this tedious operation i opened my lips and ventured to ask if mrs had any visitors at present staying in the house oh yes replied the woman with a look suited to the importance of her information lady and sir charles have been here some time aching as i was from head to foot with curiosity no less than with the various and of my i still could not bring myself to ask who these illustrious visitors were whether the gentleman was young or old nor whether his relationship to the lady was filial or the woman looked so to my ignorance that i determined to receive no further information from her and drawing down a curl to hide the worst part of my forehead where an was threatening to mar its polished and casting one lingering look of satisfaction towards the mirror i followed her to receive my long expected welcome in the dressing room of mrs only think my dear she exclaimed an embrace which i could well have done without lady and sir charles here well i dare say they will not frighten you away you will find them the best people in the world to do with if you can but be natural and easy with them so happy together it is really quite to see a mother and son so united i wish would take a lesson of politeness from sir charles there is nothing so in private life i ventured to remark that mr had once been admired for his politeness ah a fiddle way that he has which nobody cares for that is not what i mean i mean something that makes you feel handsome and good humoured and as if every one liked you without a word being said directly to the point and when you know that it is not so sir charles must be very clever no not so clever either in the way of reading or politics or any thing of that kind but just the sort of man to make a woman happy and she sighed all this while my friend was ring in a tall mirror her face her figure her all that could be studied without the upon whom these charms were to be played off sometimes her head was tossed backwards so as to create a sudden trembling and glittering amongst the glossy curls sometimes a was carefully placed as if in the act of falling or just caught up by the and snowy arm and sometimes a glance was thrown over the graceful shoulder to ascertain whether the bend of the back was made evident to all admirers i thought my labours at tlie toilet that day had been but they were nothing to those of my friend and she was a married woman what can be the meaning of this of charms thought i the husband has always been represented to me as tne very of and surely married ladies are not to charm elsewhere sir charles young handsome accomplished and graceful was too every one was insignificant when compared with lady she was still beautiful though in the of life her dress was that of a though not of the deepest shade but it needed no peculiar costume to indicate that tlie widow s grief had not her weeds a profusion of light flowing hair mingled with the honours of her brow and when she smiled it was with the gracious condescension of one who is so rich in happiness liberal of that she can dispense them to all without any there was something in her whole appearance so magnificent that when she first entered the room i could not	41
help comparing her to a richly vessel in full sail and myself with the rest of the company to little boats and small craft thrown back upon the foam of the receding waves i had never heard of lady before this day her sphere of existence had been and must ever be distinct from mine yet such is the mysterious influence of that r the pains of pleasing which mankind have agreed to call that ill an instant i w awed into admiration and employed my mind almost entirely in wishing everything and undone that would not give pleasure to lady she had evidently found other minds equally her wishes had been anticipated her will obeyed on the slightest intimation had been perpetually breathed into her ear and to the doubts that might sometimes arise respecting her in the world to come she was dignified with her in this sir charles the most skilful and accomplished had practised upon his mo s since the days of infancy and she had repaid him in the same coin so that whatever either might require of the other and they sometimes required a great deal was brought about by such and studied sweetness that it might truly be said the paltry prize was hardly worth the cost with this interesting couple i now plied my ready skill to please by arts adapted to their taste but i soon found that however i might congratulate myself upon the of my i was not at all congratulated by mrs who had never dreamed of finding in her poor friend a delightful companion a charming girl a dear entertaining creature as i was perpetually called with even warmer upon tlie agreeable addition of my society to their previously happy little circle it is a severe test of love to find our friends decidedly preferred before us just when we had been hoping to obtain favour and mrs could not conceal from observation that the n eyed monster may shoot his dart even where felicity is not concerned paying as regard as i possibly could to the frequent with which this monster inspired the lady of the house i was enjoying a season of almost triumph when on one ever memorable day my newly acquired honours were brought low and miserably soiled in the dust lady was a charming on the harp with which however she was but seldom pleased to throw her audience into but she had graciously chosen out one morning a favourite italian air which sir charles accompanied with his voice while i acted the with all my might when a bustle was heard in the hall a loud voice alas too easily recognised and mrs accompanied by her brother were ushered in as having called to see miss in vain had the servant opened the door of another apartment mrs had heard music and music she declared was her passion with my self possession never more severely put to the test than on this occasion i advanced to meet the unwelcome hoping by a closer encounter to quiet the exclamations of this boisterous little woman but no she had been completely the horses buried in dust all the way did not think it had been so far or would not have come only to see about a of for people tell me said she the here keep better than down yonder where we live tom rode so fast too in poor fellow she added in an under tone with a nod and a wink and then this habit do you know i have never had a habit on since little peter was bom bless the boy and then she applied her handkerchief to her face and her bonnet all the while long and audible which must i thought extend to the other side of the room where lady and sir charles were seated vainly endeavouring to look absorbed in the italian music mrs had now her hour of triumph and i marked the inward satisfaction with which she smiled at my while determined that i should not escape without to the very bone she entered into a lively conversation with mrs in which the honest hearted woman did not detect the but rattled on with long histories about hei poultry and the poultry of her neighbours her children and all the odd things j pictures of private life that were constantly happening in her establishment my had the good sense to be silent while he sat behind the door with his hat held between his knees in his bare red hand and swollen with the summer s heat i thought i heard music mrs exclaimed pray go on ma am pray go to lady and sir charles on sir there s nothing i delight in like music law do you know what has happened to s fiddle and she indulged herself for one moment with a sort of internal chuckle the constant to her favourite stories of which in all companies i was apprehensive well you must know i was reaching up for a pot of orange jam frank always likes orange jam at his tea and little peter bless the boy has just begun to eat well as i was saying about the jam my foot slipped and plump i went down into the fiddle it was well i was no worse but i believe if i had broke my leg i must have laughed as i walked with the fiddle on my foot like a and she showed us how long and loud she could laugh even at the remembrance of the catastrophe lady and sir charles after exchanging glances now the room and to my unspeakable relief mrs quickly followed mrs then rose and making some excuse about departed also leaving my beau as he thought master of the field seeing from the expression of his face what was likely to be the business in	41
hand and thinking the sooner it was brought forward and discussed the better i sat very silent during the of a formal offer of marriage from this man who seemed very much disposed to doubt his senses when it was followed up by an answer as formal and decided from me why what can have changed you he exclaimed when i persisted in my refusal i am sure you must have understood my meaning when you rode about with me in the lanes down yonder i understood that you were kind enough to lend me a horse oh yes i will always be kind to you miss finding it not do to speak of kindness and to be thus reminded of my past folly while the music sir charles had just been singing lay open before me i repeated my words with an emphasis so strongly marked wiu impatience and contempt that my admirer los his temper and with it the little propriety of conduct which alone had rendered him tolerable i see what you are at said he with the most insulting sir charles has a pretty income to be sure but what is that to people who live as he does i ll tell you what miss you ll not soon meet with another man to lay an estate like mine before you all in a ring fence with plenty of game for your dainty appetite but you ll the day yet when you see another mrs which you shall before you ve made sure of sir charles and so a ring he walked ofi closing the door him with a thundering sound that brought the startled and from the servants hall the scene being now completely over i felt really glad that it had been no worse conscious as i was that the of my late behaviour deserved if possible a punishment more severe nor could i behold from my window mrs and her brother trotting out of town in high with the butcher s boy and of a very little way behind while neither of their heads were turned to give a parting nod feeling that i had richly to lose my place in their regard it is almost impossible to lose the love we once possessed without a melancholy sense that something has been taken away from us although it might not while it lasted be of any real mrs was a warm the pains of pleasing hearted well meaning creature and had loved me better perhaps than many whose i had been more to obtain she was now in all probability struck off from my list of friends offended perhaps wounded she must think me ungrateful and i had the misery of reflecting that she might think so with perfect truth every loss we experience makes us pause and examine what is left and i turned upon my own heart to see what stores i had yet to draw upon for satisfaction under present circumstances i had indeed no wish to call mrs back but this simple so to others plunged me into a train of gloomy reflections against the sadness of which i was with any kind of i had now been living a long time amongst those who thought religion an unnecessary burden to take up so long as life could be made pleasant without it and as i made it my business to fall in with the sentiments of those around me i was but too ready to treat religion with as little regard as they did the inevitable consequence was that my mind was more empty than ever of any kind of consolation that i was less prepared for the rough accidents of life and worst of all that i was rapidly receding from that heavenly goal to which the only hope that never fails us is directed the circumstance which had cost me the loss of an old friend was never alluded to by lady or sir charles so much does politeness wear the character of real kindness but mrs was in her ridicule and quoted poor mrs on every possible occasion wondering than the day where i could have gathered up such people while i could call to mind without much difficulty the time when such people were not entirely excluded from her own sphere of existence to my new friends i felt unspeakable gratitude for their forbearance and had it not been for the fascination of their society i should have wisely my present abode where it was in vain to flatter myself that i was wished for by the lady of the house i was besides in considerable difficulty about where to go next and the fact of seeing no shelter fur our heads in any other place has a great tendency to reconcile our remaining where we are impossible as it was on first entering the house of mr to that the master of it or rather he who should have been the master could ever be an object of interest i found during a very short stay that pity has the power to the character and invest even the person with attractions that were never dreamed of before this spell was put in force long and intimately as i had been acquainted with the world and low as i had bent myself beneath its influence i had not acquired all its bad habits most certainly not that of on the fallen my delight was often to take part with the weak whether the strife in which they were engaged was right or wrong and in this spirit i never failed to throw in a word on behalf of the helpless husband when i thought him in danger of being borne down by his wife s authority i believe the little gentleman had never experienced so much consideration before and his unbounded was expressed by and b and which were carefully watched and by one	41
who seemed determined to torment herself as well as others j even went so far as to enter into close conference with him about his plants his hut house and all his upon which he had never been able to persuade his wife to ride but which now that she saw me earnestly engaged with she appeared to think most interesting subjects of consideration expressing her indignation in no gentle terms that so much should be planned and undertaken without consulting her i was glad to find the worthy man rising in importance though at the expense of my own comfort and he was glad to find for the first time in his life that however mrs lis pictures of private life might slight or his alien f he still had the power to her by bi g them elsewhere i had lately observed that in the midst of lady s warmest expressions of regard her countenance had lowered on the approach of her son and that he too in the absence of his mother was much more to please and more evidently pleased he had a friend daring and dissipated whose frankness let me into the secret of lady s terrors lest her son should form a witli any one unequal to himself in rank was now around me interests seemed ready to burst in a storm upon my head what was to be done i had no adviser and my own heart had too often been a treacherous to be trusted to with any confidence that it would lead me right or even me from present difficulties for this was more my object than to act with a single eye to what was right sir charles had become more pointed in his attentions and lady in the same proportion more cold and haughty she was even in close consultation with mrs and that woman s case is hopeless who has none but men to take her part every day i made some faint determination that i would leave these troubled spirits but my served no other purpose to draw forth from sir charles his deep regrets and deeper sighs and as earnest as words could make them that it was impossible to be happy without me at last the storm burst the jealousy of mrs was wrought up to the crisis of explosion on finding that i had one day been two hours in the with her husband i was abruptly dismissed with a slight on my character and the married couple were better pleased with and each other than they had ever been before i was the goat who had been played upon for their own purposes and having no one to defend my cause i bore the blame as the mostly do i had however some satisfaction in thinking that mr and mrs were more united than i had found them the husband well pleased that he had power to torment his wife with jealousy the wife convinced by the late fears she had entertained of losing the affections of her husband tliat those were worth retaining chapter x fortunately for me before the wrath of mrs had reached il height i received a very pressing invitation from a worthy family of who lived io some degree of in a pleasant situation not many miles distant to them i went with all my on my head and with my thoughts disturbed and confused by the late cruel wliich had driven me to take advantage of their hospitality but they were simple hearted quiet people who did not examine the human mind or any else very deeply and so long as i appeared comfortable and spoke fully tliey had no apprehensions about what might be feeling the only daughter possessed more penetration than her parents and perceiving that i was not quite so happy as a christian ought to be undertook with all the of her heart and her profession to make me happier by making me better s character was one which it was impossible to know without respecting she had not enjoyed a liberal education but religion had done all for her that was wanted had refined her feelings and elevated her thoughts supplying her with that dignity which and that grace which is acquired in the constant performance of virtuous actions i could not live beneath the same roof with this being without feeling fearfully conscious of my own and i wished earnestly wished that i could shake off the by which i was bound and walk as she did free in the light of the glorious gospel it is true my thoughts were sometimes diverted from the of this family by speculations about what this person and the other might think of their quaint habits and homely ways nor was sir charles the last whose image i up to place in idea beside me whenever any thing occurred particularly unlike the customs of the fashionable world but it was not my wont to on my own behalf and i had seen too much of general society to be forcibly struck with what is commonly called absurdity but which might frequently be more justly explained as something foreign to our own prejudices and peculiar views derived from a limited circle of beings as absurd in their turn to others as others are to them an intimate acquaintance with the different classes of mankind and the various circumstances which human character does much and ought to do more to make us of that ridicule which frequently arises from our ignorance and might more properly be turned against ourselves those who have of en seen the wise act foolishly and the fool more wise in his generation than the man of boasted learning who know the influence of circumstances and situation in forming the character who feel the truth that virtue too its high standing in the world from the mere absence of temptation who	41
have been accustomed to examine their own hearts and have learned in this examination that just far as they have been tried they have yielded will feel little inclination to laugh at follies which are common to all as little as to set up the senseless boast that had they been in certain situations they would have acted differently from others and still less to triumph over those who have been tried and proved in a furnace the fury of which they themselves have never felt in the family of mr i saw tlie influence of religion in its simplest and most substantial form by ornamental by that which it to general but at the same time its real and beauty weary of my past life disappointed perplexed and troubled how did i long while kneeling by the side of that i could enter into the spirit of her prayers and offer up my soul as i knew she was offering up hers perhaps i shall become like these happy people in time thought i and i joined in their religious exercises and listened to their long with so much gravity and interest half felt and half assumed that they began to speak of me and treat me like one of their own community and i was both proud and pleased to be thus recognized for never in my life had i seen more clearly the beauty of would that my vision had not again been obscured i was seated one day with beneath a which shaded the door and the front windows enjoying the of the autumn breeze that played the of the vine when strange feet and voices more strange in a place were heard advancing along tlie garden and two from the walk it was sir charles and his friend i believe i had not properly concealed the foolish pleasure i felt on seeing for told me afterwards with great simplicity she had no idea they had been such intimate friends or indeed that i could be intimate with such the fact was that i offered to the religious habits of this family all i could offer my entire approbation had been while under their roof extremely dull and the appearance of the two strangers brought back such vivid remembrance of lively hours enjoyed elsewhere that i was almost delighted to behold them again and asked with apparent interest a multitude of questions on subjects which who sat by had never before suspected could occupy my thoughts once or twice i saw her grave face turned towards me with an expression of perfect amazement while i rattled on with these idle creatures them occasionally for their extravagance but laughing all the while as ladies will laugh sometimes when they ought not sir charles escaped from maternal influence was more easy and delightful than i had ever seen him before and was always entertaining and good humoured how was it that never smiled at his jokes she must be the most insensible of women and why had she put on that close and why had she chosen this of all others to look less refined than usual the case was an easy one to understand i was now looking through a different atmosphere for my atmosphere always took its peculiar tone of colouring from those who ruled my thoughts for the time being i had not the power to see any object in a clear and steady point of view but lights and shades from all the circumstances of life my ideas even of right and wrong were unsettled and confused well this is indeed said sir charles as he took his seat beside me and i had the mortification of seeing edge himself in beside with a look too plainly indicating his intention to the fair but it was impossible to make game of her calm dignity preserved her from insult and when she rose and walked into the house i felt ashamed of being identified with those whose impertinence had driven her away i soon forgot however in the light of my companions that there was anything in the world worth thinking of but sunshine good humour and sir charles and when the rose to wish me good morning i listened with more satisfaction than wisdom to the gentle tone the half whisper which assured me they should seek the of again were these your companions at mr s asked as we sat together again in the i answered vith triumph that sir charles was staying in the house all tlie time thinking the situation i had lately enjoyed was the subject of s thoughts i wonder you were not weary she observed and my triumph was at an end the next visit of the was later in the day dark clouds were gathering around and the wind blowing in fitful had driven us all to seek shelter within doors we were quietly seated together in a parlour by no means resembling mr s drawing room good mrs carefully her husband s stockings when the two gentlemen running to escape the first of a thunder storm rushed into the hall with boisterous mirth your friends are come again said and under present circumstances i really felt less hope than fear that her words were true again every thing was before my eyes the parlour in an instant became more gloomy the carpet more gray the few books that lay about more soiled and more religious and certainly mrs was more fat and lame than she had ever been before i saw no longer with my own eyes nor heard with my own ears but myself as it were with the their senses became the medium through which every impression reached me just in the same way that having passionately admired some book we take it up to read again with a friend whose tone of feeling is essentially different from our own when behold the	41
book is not the same it has faults we never perceived before and those passages which we know our friend will condemn stand forth in such glaring and conspicuous light that we lay the whole aside with disappointment and disgust mad deeper by the conviction that since nothing can enforce the belief that the book has actually changed its character we must submit to the mortification of believing our own judgment to be in fault the storm which had driven the to make so an advance upon the hospitality of my friends still kept them prisoners and what was worse im the pains op pleasing the master of the house who threw towards me many an look which seemed to say whom have we here but the afternoon was such as would have reconciled a man less kind hearted than mr to the presence of guests even more objectionable than sir charles and his companion and as evening drew on they were pressed to remain for the night if the storm not it requires a prodigious share of to carry on without light senseless conversation in the presence of a grave matter of fact man of sense especially if that man be the master of the house in which the scene of your folly is laid under almost any other circumstances i should have rejoiced at the which detained sir charles as my companion for a whole evening but clever as i was at it was utterly impossible to make the present time glide smoothly on for while the thunder rolled above our heads the solemn and becoming gravity of my serious friends was strangely broken in upon by the ill timed jokes of and the vivacity of sir charles i could not keep my place with both parties brought as tliey now were into close contact and such was my weakness that the reverence i had hitherto felt for the habits of this family gave way and more than once i was startled in my merriment by the flash of the lightning and the deep sighs almost to groans of the master and mistress of the house the time at last arrived for evening prayer mr was not the man to for the custom of his maker at and evening and opening his bible he began to read with a loud that brought the blush of shame into my face yes such is the of vanity and the excess of human folly that i dared to feel ashamed that night when a pious man at the head of a well ordered family called together his household and read aloud from the book of consolation the glad tidings of a sent into a sinful world i felt ashamed when he knelt down and poured forth a fervent prayer from the earnest simplicity of his heart while i ought to have been reminded by the thunder rolling around us in tremendous that the god who directed us to seek his throne by prayer is too mighty to be insulted with our visitors were evidently strangers to such a scene sir charles possessed too high a sense of propriety not to make some show of but who cared for nothing but the indulgence of his own humour watched the entrance of the uncouth one another with no small entertainment holding a newspaper in his hand during the whole of the simple and appropriate service at last a hymn was sung and to my utter confusion raised his voice amongst the rest louder and louder with long drawn notes of discord that made who stood near me close her lips and sing no more one look and only one i ventured to direct towards that part of the room from whence these extraordinary sounds were issuing the stood with his head thrown back his mouth wide open and his hands spread forth in mockery of the extreme of sir charles looked also caught his eye and an explosion of laughter followed the hymn ceased mr desired his servants to remain in their presence he wished to show his just indignation at such conduct young men said he in a commanding tone the manner in which you have chosen to abuse my hospitality i regard as an insult to religion more than to myself and as such you must feel that it you to the reproof i made you welcome to my home not from respect but compassion because i would not drive the from my door in such a storm in the same way you are welcome to shelter your heads for the night but from this time henceforth remember that nothing but a pictures of private life change of heart can make you welcome to my again sir charles advanced with many smooth apologies for i believe he was really sorry bat it would not do say no more sir don t trouble yourself was all that mr would answer except to add that the night was now advancing and they would find their chambers ready they were not however humble enough for that but while the rain was yet pouring in torrents wished us good night and went their way i soon escaped to my own room but not to sleep even had my reflections been of a more imposing nature i should have been kept awake by the long and loud of and her father in the room below she was earnestly pleading with him and i guessed too well that i was myself the unworthy subject of her solicitude at last i heard him say distinctly as he crossed the hall to the stairs if these are the that miss must draw al er her i care not how soon she leaves my house it was long midnight when the parlour her gentle step paused at my door she opened it without a sound and her candle with her hand came and stood beside my	41
bed are you not asleep said she it is very late or rather early no i cannot sleep to night but pray what keeps you up i am in a great deal of trouble said she and the tears fell fast down her cheeks trouble on your account ah you think i am a sad wicked creature it is not that altogether said she hesitating and looking more and more distressed i have been thinking for three hours what i ought to do and praying that i may simply do what is right then discharge your duty if it relates to me and depend upon my not taking it amiss there is no rule safer than that of doing as we would be done by and it is in this way that i now tell you i think i have reason to believe it would be better or you to go away now what do you think of me for such a cruel thing that you are a good honest hearted creature as i always thought you said i holding out my arms to her while we mingled our tears together you and i are not fitted to live together in this world would that i could feel sure i should join your habitation in the next you know not the temptations which beset my path pray for me sometimes when i am gone i will remember you in my she replied every day and than the day and after urging me to be more decided and more consistent she then knelt down beside me me to the care and protection of him who not as man and with whom is no nor shadow of turning chapter xi i now no resource but to throw myself upon the kindness of my aunt and my cousin jane they had invited me to pay them ar visit and though i entertained no doubt of the welcome i should receive certain made me shrink from the discipline with i knew this welcome would be there were however some considerations connected with money matters which made it expedient for me to see them and i determined accordingly jane was my agent in the sale of a variety of specimens of work drawings and other articles of taste which had formerly been so admired by my friends and so begged and borrowed that i could not doubt they would soon be bought had my aunt still resided in my native place i should have felt it almost impossible to visit her now when my own circumstances were so completely changed but she had removed to some distance though still within reach of those whose intimacy i had once enjoyed and who had thus an opportunity of extending their kindness to me in the way that would have been most agreeable and certainly at a time when it was much needed had been told in happier days when surrounded with all the comforts of that i could never want the means of that i had a fortune in my head and even in my hands the truth of these assurances had now been put to the test and many an anxious and look did i cast towards my cousin jane before i could bring myself to ask money she had in for me money was her hopeless reply with a tone of astonishment the very of which sent a sudden quivering through my nerves and an aching through my heart money i believe i have five shillings for a little cap but really you must take your things for i am quite tired of showing them about and as to the drawings i cannot get them off on any terms people say they are badly coloured and quite out of perspective for my own part i do not understand such matters and therefore cannot give an opinion and pray whose opinion do you give mr the and miss green s miss green s t yes they tell me she laughed very much in miller s shop the other day at a house which she said stood on one corner you may possibly remember the piece it has cattle in the fore ground i did remember the piece and i remembered also that miss green had once attempted to beg it of me by earnest entreaties which i had great difficulty in refusing but when i heard that mr a man who took the lead in all matters of taste was her companion and had doubtless set the laugh i did not wonder that she who had no judgment of her own should have been willing to follow oh ye who love to sport with ridicule and think it pleasant to murder with the shafts of criticism how is your cruel aim directed to the stricken deer and your arrow sent into the bosom that was before how little can be known by you whose days are spent in luxury and idleness of what is felt by those who depend upon the mercy of your smiles for the very of life you can take up the productions of the pen or pencil find out each petty fault laugh sneer and cast aside while the author or the artist whose genius has been exhausted and whose sensibility tortured for your amusement waits for his daily bread you can open the little volume by the lowly to the great and stretched at ease on a couch can peer amongst the pages to draw forth with critical inspection and examine with scrutiny the sentiments that have been wrung out from a breaking heart you can with all the dignity of a judge who sentence of death against a criminal upon the want of light and sweetness in the picture of some lonely wretch whose life is all shade and bitterness and who in attempting to imitate the fair face of nature has not derived his resources	41
from the of a fancy but from half extinguished recollections of beauty and harmony which the discord of worldly strife and the of are fast from his weary and mind you can in the of art light as the butterfly amongst the flowers of summer but how unlike this happy and harmless insect of innumerable sweets while it and none before you the works of imagination are forth to be and trampled upon pause then for one moment in your merciless career and reflect that such are often the productions of those whose labour is carried on at the midnight hour when ou pictures of private life are in your beds and ceases not for the throbbing of the heart that is torn nor the aching of eyes that are blinded with tears my agent was but too faithful in her report the efforts of my genius had been miserably in value and what was oi infinitely more consequence to me had not been sold not that the kind companions of my early years had ceased to be kind or would not willingly have given me the stated price of all my worthless trifles but it makes a wonderful difference whether at is exhibited as a matter of taste or as an article of sale many will value as a gift what they would not buy at any cost however small not at all because they grudge the money but because while receiving a that not being always a matter of choice their own judgment is not but the being solely responsible for all deficiency of merit they can say to their friends i know it has many faults but i value it for her sake poor thing and thus save their credit but for the appalling question and pray how much might you give for this splendid concern they are provided with no saving reply but must suffer an upon their good taste in having chosen to make such a purchase no one can thoroughly know the world and its odd ways without they have been poor a thousand secrets are laid open to the eyes of the which tlie children of will not believe of themselves and the rude key of the of the mind where a view may be obtained of tlie various of which it is before they are refined and sent forth for the ornament of polished circles it is almost worth enduring a little of our means for the knowledge which is thus obtained but then it is the loss of caste that the truth and who from the poor indian no property beneath the sun but his thread to the philosopher who to despise all worldly possessions would not rather endure every other earthly loss than this the discipline i was subjected to beneath the roof of my aunt was like hard labour and strong used to correct the evils of too much for some days i bore it well thinking the of the pitiless storm would surely cease in time instead of which it rather gathered and accumulated upon me until i found my temper had the bitterness of which i was constantly gentle ladies have you a cousin jane if not your gentleness has never been fully put to the test have you a friend who takes the liberty of a near or familiar acquaintance to tell you every disagreeable thing which every body has said about you and that not at all on her own behalf so that you cannot retort or the injury while she has no part nor lot in the matter but just thinks it right to tell you so much that in time you are induced to believe all old friends are changed and ah new ones are false perhaps the most distressing part of the information laid before me was what had been said by my sister jane had lately been staying with her and reported that she had made many remarks about my did not at all approve of my way of living should be truly glad if i had a settled home and wished i would consent to live with them where i should be more free from unpleasant remarks never i exclaimed with warmth quite unusual to me i will live any where but with them i will for a situation my aunt peeped over her spectacles and thought i had better for a husband they have heard continued my all about your affair with the mrs tell every body and how you t to sir charles and how i failed not exactly that for i find he followed you to the s where he found you amongst such low people that he had little inclination to go again did sir charles tell his own story the pains of pleasing i am not quite sure of that i think it was a friend of his who told mr that they were sent out of the house because they laughed at prayers and that you cried but i am sure you mind any thing about what people say oh no not the least i am sure you cannot think of young a man especially you have so lately been attached to mr attached to mr l yes good mrs says she never saw any one more attached than you were to him until living amongst high people changed you that no one ever was more changed than you were when she called upon you that you your words and sailed about as if you had been a but you don t mind poor mrs oh no i don t mind any thing just now said i forcing a laugh that s very fortunate i am glad you are in good spirits i want to talk to you a little about money and that is rather a heavy subject to those who have none pray go on it makes no sort of	41
of no sort of consequence and she me to attend to her duties below it was indeed a heart sickening scene upon which i cast my eyes carpets torn and soiled spread out to look their longest and and the bed adorned with shabby finery which had no doubt been splendid in the first days of but all things the reverse of comfortable into when compared with what i anticipated of the wide bed with its three inmates and the consequent disturbance of my morning hours my meditations were interrupted by the little themselves appearing so clean and merry that i could not find in my heart to wish them elsewhere especially i had asked myself what right i had to come into their sleeping room and wish them out of it the next day was one of as much repose as this family were ever permitted to enjoy but late going to bed late rising all the children to dress and keep clean in their with only one servant made it seem not much like repose to me it was indeed no day of rest the father dressed his eldest boy in tight jacket and blue cap and walked off him to church the servant followed and the mother cooked and nursed alternately all the morning adorned herself in a little finery for the and nursed again i had no occupation but that of making myself a favourite with the children which i did so that i never could shake off their turbulent familiarity again when i went up stairs half a dozen were dragging at my skirts and when i came down they jumped upon me from the i complained but mrs never took my part she smiled and was glad poor woman to see them happy and not at her expense this however was not the way in which i must spend my time i said that my object in coming to town was to make painting my profession and i was then permitted to lock the door of my chamber for the day with many charges to shut up my for the night chapter xii mt picture proceeded slowly for i had nothing to copy and was not quite so skilful a as false friends and flattery had once induced me to believe still it did proceed there was a visible of between the heavens and the earth and an old castle with a group of trees were to from chaos my hopes rose with the clothing of the foliage but not quite in proportion to the cost of the which i spent upon the sky it was worth a great deal to me under present circumstances to have an object from which i could derive a ray of hope however small and more and more rays were daily from my picture bright visions of future rose upon me generosity stood forth in distant perspective and i began to calculate upon the precise time when receiving the reward of my labours i should place in the hands of mrs at least twice the sum upon which we had agreed for a month s lodging my temper grew sweeter as my spirits were i forgave my cousin jane i played at bo peep with my companions in the morning rose early to catch a view of my performance in the first light of day and even a little fellow whom i had out as my favourite to in the room with while i was at work provided he sat still upon the floor and did not touch like all he used his at first with moderation on the second day i was obliged to enforce the law of not touching on the third i had to insist upon his being quiet and on the fourth was compelled to make a new law that if he rose i rom the he should be dismissed altogether it was a dull thing to sit upon the floor which nothing but the idea of its being a privilege could have reconciled but little was permitted to have a long piece of string and he made the most of that my picture was nearly completed and really when there was no other to compare it with looked i thought very a few strong touches were yet to be given bold and productive of great i advanced retreated applied the stroke and retreated again when crash went the whole fabric in hopeless and rum on the floor overwhelming fragments the mischievous author of it whose busy fingers after tying the string to the foot of the bad pulled it away with a sudden jerk that a painting never falls to the ground the surface being downwards is just as of remark as that the fall of bread and butter is attended with the same a fact the truth of which every school boy will stand forward to my picture was no exception to the general rule and mrs s carpet being of too frail a texture to be ever shaken the case was a desperate one indeed there was nothing for me to do but to commence my labours afresh little was dismissed now and for ever my spirits sunk my temper me on the slightest provocation and nothing but the idea that i was eating bread which i had no right to call my own could have supported me through the wearisome task of another picture another however was completed in time and i set off on a tour of observation through the streets of london to see what place would be most likely to receive so precious a deposit i was not long in fixing and with my five shillings in my pocket hired a coach and went forth to make my fortune in a flourishing establishment at the west end finding everything here conducted on a magnificent scale and thinking my best plan would consequently be to	41
assume a character of importance i asked for some costly and looking at them with the air of one who is very much disposed to purchase but has some trifling reason for not j now i took out my purse concealing tlie empty end and paid three shillings for a worthless article as if money was so plentiful with me that i could to til row it away spending some time in this manner i caught the quick eye of one who held a place of authority in the establishment and who seeing a well dressed lady disposed to trifle away her time and money thought i must be worthy of his most h attentions while stretching if forward with an smile he laid before me rich costly books in splendid and pictures ah how unlike to mine a group of were lounging in one corner of the shop reading the newspapers and turning over the trifles of the day one glance at the idle party made me retreat to the farthest distance to my business with mr bond i know not what i nor how i made my meaning understood but he must have been well acquainted with such meaning to understand it all i c only recollect a dreadful sense of in my throat and the fall of he man s countenance when he opened out my picture and held it this way and that to receive some flattering light by which one touch of merit be revealed ten guineas was marked upon it as the price but he chose to read ten shillings declaring it was quite too much indeed we have no sale whatever for such things as these he added returning it to me and glancing impatiently towards more profitable customers i still waited for i was too much to move whether mr bond for once felt a touch of pity i know not but he took up the picture which i had let drop beside me on the floor and condescended to point out some of its defects it wants said he flourishing his hand k over it with an air that implied its want of everything but paint it wants sweetness it wants repose it may well want repose i exclaimed if you knew where it had been painted that is no concern of ours ma am none in the world the public have nothing to do with that and he spread forth his hands as if in the act of driving me out advancing every step that i and opening the door most willingly for my exit you had better take the painting ma am we can do nothing with it here you can burn it i suppose said i and turned away i scarcely knew where i was going every object swam before my eyes and i felt as lonely in that crowded street as if i had been a pilgrim wandering across the great desert it is under this kind of bewilderment amongst the busy multitudes of the thickly peopled city that the last attack of cruelty is generally made upon the miserable an attack upon his purse but the lightness of mine would have greatly the pain of losing it and fearless of anything being added to my sufferings i was pursuing my uncertain way when suddenly my was touched and a young man from the shop almost breathless with haste asked me to step back saying that a gentleman had purchased the painting who is the gentleman i asked the young man did not know but said he had been standing by while i was talking with his master and had heard all we said whoever he may be i must thank him i exclaimed and when mr bond with great formality laid the ten guineas before me i begged to be permitted to see my benefactor if possible with my heart overflowing with gratitude i followed him into an adjoining room where sir charles advanced to meet me with his smiles how was it that i could be thankful no more that i longed to return the money and would willingly have been again it seemed as if money of which i was always in want was perpetually to be the of my happiness and that my necessities re never to be relieved without my difficulties at the same time being increased i made one effort to express my thanks thanks which i did not feel i tried for one moment to be nothing but what i really was the poor woman receiving the price of her honest labours but i could not so far forget my former self the remembrance of lady rose before me in overwhelming majesty i was once more with all her vanity and all her and had accepted the offer of sir charles to escort me home before i reflected what a home was mine ah would we but reserve our shame and our embarrassment for that which is really disgraceful and what burning what bitter tears we might be spared i had none but a straightforward path to pursue a few words of candid explanation would have revealed my simple story and made it the last wish of sir charles to continue my acquaintance but the best i would have persuaded myself the only time for explanation was now over and we were pursuing our way together i knew not to what e nor cared so long as it was not to that little shop through which we must have entered had he taken me to my present home the morning was fine and when my companion proposed that we should see some of the wonders of the place i had little inclination to refuse because i should thus enjoy a few more hours of his society and put off that most dreaded the hour of return from one exhibition we passed on	41
to another conversation never sir charles was more delightful than ever and i rattled on with that desperate gaiety which is but a poor substitute for wretchedness there is no liberty like that of a vast city no security from observation like that of being one of the multitude sir charles had now nothing to fear from his lady and i was a hundred miles distant from my cousin jane these hours which i vainly tried to persuade myself were happy flew swiftly on and my behaviour had rendered it more difficult for me each succeeding moment to speak the whole truth my companion had been too polite to hint at the affair of the picture and i had ever since the morning acted the lady so completely that he must either have doubted the pecuniary which his own eyes had witnessed or despised me for my affectation and from the bottom of his heart most probably he did the latter indeed had he done otherwise than despise me he would not have attempted as he did to lead me on from one place to another until the day was far spent the time with professions of admiration more ardent than are ever inspired by respect women would do well to judge by this rule of the estimation in which they are held by those whose right province is to protect them from harm and danger it is impossible that a gentleman should be ignorant of those of conduct by which the purity and dignity of woman s character is preserved and if he do but whisper a proposition for her to sacrifice the very smallest of these for any purpose whatever even for his own sake the case is a clear and decided one that he thinks of her to suppose that she will listen to his request and that his regard for her is not such as to make him to maintain the beauty of her name the sum of my folly was now nearly completed and i gravely insisted upon returning home alone alone impossible t be kind enough to order me a coach and i shall go very safely but not alone he repeated with a look that startled me and i walked again in silence pondering on my we were approaching one of the theatres a celebrated was to delight the world that night carriages were rolling up delivering their precious burdens and then making way for others ladies richly dressed stepped emerging from the darkness of a november evening into the brilliant light of the theatre sir charles without a word of led me in i knew not at first where he was taking me and when i discovered my were too feeble to induce him to return and in a few moments i was seated beside him in the broad glare of a thousand lights i had now time to think and with a full sense of my situation there rushed upon my mind such an overwhelming conviction of the absurdity and of my conduct through this day that i neither listened to the music nor the spirited performance which called forth from lighter hearts than mine unbounded applause my past life had been an idle one vanity its moving spring and folly its ruling star but i had never completely sacrificed my self respect till now and many were the tears i dashed away from my eyes this night to look at the brilliant scenes and the brighter beauties of the stage which my gay companion whispered in my ear were less lovely than myself i believe half the sins that stain the record of woman s life owe their origin to criminal weakness rather than criminal design i use the harsh word criminal because that weakness deserves no better name which is encouraged and to without any appeal to an higher power for the support which is promised to the feeble the falsehood that is told from fear wears less the appearance of than that which is told solely with a wish to deceive but the falsehood that is wrung from terror is just as likely to be supported by other and to draw it an equal train of guilt and shame so the slightest error persisted in and followed up by its natural and inevitable consequences may become morally as as the vice how watchful then should all weak creatures be of the first false step never the slightest under the hope that they may have strength to return pictures of private life it was my weakness rather than my which made me shrink from to sir charles the exact state of my circumstances and situation this weakness had first me into difficulties from which i had not sufficient and moral courage to myself at every step i had become more involved and each succeeding moment now found me more wretched than the last the scene closed the curtain fell and rude voices from the galleries had their last applause when i rose to depart silent speechless and sad i leaned upon the arm of sir charles who no doubt attributed the change in my manner to the prospect of being so soon deprived of the irresistible fascination of his society his voice became more gentle his behaviour more tender and his looks more meaning everything that could be done he did to the pain of losing him and i found when it was too late to save myself from his contempt the necessity of making some exertion to preserve the little independence i had left springing into the coach he had sent for i insisted upon being alone but he was at my side in a moment and the driver waited for his orders i remonstrated but i had voluntarily given up my own dignity and a lady has nothing else to defend her it is in vain attempting to persuade the man for whom she has	41
made this sacrifice that he has not unlimited power over her heart there is no alternative but either to submit to his society and his whenever he chooses to impose them upon her or to his vanity and his temper by obstinate and then he may revenge himself upon her reputation by representing her folly in such a light that the world will give it a name no there is no way for a woman to escape more wretchedness than any female heart can bear but by walking humbly before her ood and trusting solely to his guidance through the of her difficult path where the of the world and the of her own fancy would be perpetually leading her astray had not that warning been lighted by which alone we are able to perceive and the paths that the way to tin the vanity of sir charles was beyond the reach of attack his temper was and the driver still waited for his orders to the city i said in too low a tone for him to hear and sir charles was obliged to repeat my words to what part of it i named a street adjoining that in which my friends lived somewhat broader and less filled with trade and then shrinking back into a comer of the carriage listened in sullen silence to the most flattering which now delighted me no more arrived at the street i had mentioned i was asked for the name and the number and whether they were on the door i stretched my head out of the window as if to look for the place and then told the man in plain words so that he might hear and sir charles might not that it was a s shop i wanted and the name it was quickly found a thundering knock awoke my host and half his children young cries were heard above and the moving of heavy below at last the door was opened by mr in his night cap sir charles kissed my hand and i sprang out of the coach surely thought i when my head was once more laid upon my pillow the of this day are enough to cure me of folly for the rest of my life i forgot that past folly persisted in is sin and that sin is not removed by the agonies of vanity i could not sleep wliat a long season is the night to those whose hearts are oppressed with misery and who endure that without the consolation of prayer i did not pray had any decided calamity upon me i should have thought of no other resource but like many others suffering under a load of accumulated cares i thought my petty anxieties and were not subjects to be laid before the eye of a feverish tide of troubled thought was rushing through my soul where hope had forsaken her last resting place and frightful apprehensions for the empire she had just resigned not one of ail the fair pictures of imagination now seemed and true but dark visions of opened upon me through the mist of tears if religion be the blessed messenger sent down upon earth to still the sighs of the when the footsteps of time or death have trampled down their earthly treasures to calm the waters of affliction and bind up the broken hearted not less is her holy influence needed to the ruffled mind which petty cares have made their prey to quiet the rapid and tumultuous of the heart and to direct the wandering wishes which find no certain gratification in this troubled world to one whose pleasures are and whose rest is eternal chapter xiii on the following morning i awoke with many serious thoughts but still without any fixed determination to pursue a more decided path my attention was absorbed by present difficulties which i vainly tortured my ingenuity to find to escape from indeed my whole life was a system of not to attain any object but to help me on the binding and way by which i hoped to arrive at the universal good will of society i was pondering in my own chamber upon the propriety of returning the price of my picture to sir charles whose charity for i could not attribute to him any other motive in his purchase was not exactly what i wished to profit by and against the return of this money i was setting the discharge of the debt i owed to mrs weighing the difficulties and comparing evils when a letter was brought to me from my sister well remembering the insulting nature of my last to her i opened it with nervous terror soon by the kind and delicate manner in which a very eligible situation was proposed to me and a supply of the ever needful conveyed without the slightest allusion to the past i was now great again for all human greatness is by comparison i returned the ten guineas in a blank cover made presents to the little prepared for my journey and took leave of my poor friend with that rapidity of execution with which we escape from the misery that we cannot relieve i was met at the distance of one stage from my future residence by a gentleman s servant whose kind and respectful behaviour was a sure and pleasant omen of domestic comfort it was late in the when i first saw the lights of mr s habitation glimmering through the trees as we wound along the side of a hill and descended by a gentle into a thickly wooded valley where the bright line of a narrow and river was here and there seen glancing through the mist at the door i was received with a cordial welcome by a looking woman who might be either housekeeper or nurse and who in either situation had obtained sufficient knowledge of the domestic oc	41
the family to be able to satisfy th demands of my curiosity mr was a within the last year deprived of a wife whom he had almost since whose death he had but rarely been seen to smile he was a man of fastidious tastes and secluded habits not lavish of his but when he did love it was tenderness unspeakable and all that he now seemed capable of feeling was expended upon an only child whose extremely delicate constitution rendered her an object of painful solicitude you will think mr cold and forbidding at first said my who was kindly disposed to let me into every secret but there never was a more devoted husband a kinder father or a better master and if you can but attach yourself to the poor child and win her you will be sure of his although the worthy woman possibly meant nothing more than her master s good will when she spoke of his affection i thought this was going too far and changed the subject by asking some questions about the child when i was shocked to learn that there was every probability of her remaining an invalid for life she was a sweet young creature said mrs woods none can help loving her who have seen her suffer oh what a comfort you will be ma am to this family for though we may nurse and do all that we can miss is now able to converse a woman and wants better society than such as me indeed we sometimes think she is too sensible and that having such busy thoughts and quick feelings makes her health more delicate but oh ma am you will be a comfort to her i know you will and so saying mrs woods left me to enjoy without interruption and for the first time in my life the hope of being really and properly useful the apartment into which i had been shown was called miss s study but it wore more decidedly the character of a sick room and though a few well chosen books lay on the table cushions and various inventions for the of suffering bore testimony to the melancholy truth that if this were the path to science it was not strewn with flowers a few appropriate pictures adorned the walls such as simple cottage scenery a girl drawing water at a well a child at play a favourite dog a bird let loose one large painting hung above the fire concealed by a curtain which i ventured to raise it was the figure of a beautifully executed not with the by which most artists have chosen to disgrace this holy character but with the clear forehead and intelligent eyes of one who could think as well as feel i saw at once the departed mother whose sacred silence subdued my lighter feelings and i inwardly resolved that the reverence with which her pictured form inspired me should be my and protection while her orphan child forcibly impressed as my mind already was with what i had heard and seen i was yet more deeply interested on entering the room where the poor invalid lay her father was bending over her couch and not until i approached when he regarded me with an earnest and eye as if to ascertain whether i were such a person as his daughter would find it to like you have undertaken a wearisome task said the child holding out her hand to me but if you can bear with me and my impatience every one else i am sure will try to make you comfortable and will not you my love asked ihe father i will da my best said she but there is very little that i can do you can tell me freely all you want said i ah that i am sure i will she exclaimed you look so kind i know i shall be able to tell you every thing but are you strong are you healthy are you able to keep awake sometimes in the night poor mrs woods sleeps so soundly i do not like to disturb her and the night is so long when nobody speaks to me it is a sad thing miss that makes us selfish it has so pleased the of our lives i replied that no situation shall be without its peculiar trials during sickness when we are from any of the temptations of the world and are almost compelled from our very weakness to seek for divine support we might possibly grow had not this temptation been permitted to convince us that we are still subject to the most of human the pains of pleasing mr looked attentively at me as if to discern the spirit which had prompted this speech but the child satisfied that none but a good woman could talk so well asked me if i were not too weary to sleep beside her tliat night she evidently wished ii and i could not refuse her father now left us and we entered into many arrangements ting personal comfort and were soon as familiar and cordial as if we had been acquainted for years mrs woods would willingly have retained her place for thai night but the sudden preference poor entertained for me rendered me more than willing to share whatever disturbance she might endure the enjoyment of sleep i could not even anticipate strange visions of the past and future flitted before my mind nor was the present less strange to me that it was rich in promises of peace and comfort to be regarded with affection by this suffering child it might be with esteem by her father and to contribute to the happiness of both was a harvest of enjoyment i was all unworthy to reap i looked back into my past life and to blame my fate for half the to which my	41
burning tears bore witness i had few deliberate and determined sins to charge my with the world had certainly dealt with me i felt nothing but kindness and good will towards the whole human race and only wished i could prove by self sacrifice how inexhaustible was that kindness how that good will every that human could lay hold of t tried that night to convince myself that i had no need to be unhappy but it would not do conviction came not so readily as my tears and i wished myself a child again that i might offer up to heaven an mind and bow before the throne of mercy in perfect simplicity and of heart it is true there was no moral stain upon my character i had hard to promote the happiness of others and religious were familiar to my lips but how stood my trembling soul in the presence of its creator i weep at midnight over my and bewildered path but i never either at midnight or noon day breathed an humble prayer that i might be solely guided by his will i never formed an earnest resolution that i would serve him and him only i never seriously endeavoured to lay hold of those promises by which the burden of past is made more tolerable nor looked with towards that star whose light would have led me safely through the storms of life with the importance of ing for one object only some may be disposed to think that i distressed myself more than was necessary so long as what the world calls guilt was not stamped upon my conscience but are we not told in the record of eternal truth that those who are not for the righteous cause are against it and though i could freely and recommend religion to others as an ultimate good where was the evidence of my own while pondering in my own mind upon a world of dark and troubled thoughts my attention was arrested by the sweet voice of my companion repeating in a low and gentle tone the following words in the still watches of the solemn night chilly thick damp and countless stars shed forth their feeble light the silent her cheerless lamp alone she watches the midnight hour alone she breathes the melancholy si h alone she some neglected flower unseen the tears dim her eye alone there is no s with god no darkness that he cannot turn to light no rock whence gracious rod may not bring forth fresh waters pure and bright there is no whose are hid bis all penetrating eye nor rolls that ocean whose tumultuous waves may not be silenced when the lord is nigh there is no bark upon the main no pilgrim lone whose path he cannot see peace i then poor trim thy lamp again the eye thai no watches thee a pictures of private life these words were followed by a sigh so deep and heavy that i roused myself from my fruitless meditations to ask whether my young friend was in pain not so much in pain as weary she replied i am afraid i have disturbed you but the night is very long and my mother used to teach me to repeat verses and hymns when i could not rest you must not pay any regard to me but try to sleep again i replied that i had not yet slept ah i dare say you have been thinking of your home i have no home my love no home then you must sometimes be very sad but still you have a home for your thoughts some secret resting place of which no one can deprive you poor child she little knew in what a barren wilderness my thoughts were nor how long it was since they had found a resting place i made no answer and the invalid somewhat excited by fever went on with her asking with perfect simplicity many close questions which i had no choice but to answer yet to answer which fully and candidly would have deprived me for ever of her esteem towards morning however she slept soundly and awoke without much recollection of what had passed in the night i had now a severe ordeal to pass through in the presence of whose commanding reserved manners and strict eye rendered him a truly alarming person when brought into close contact with one who felt no certainty of his approbation i soon found that the society of this man would either render me more contemptible by driving me to the practice of deceit or more worthy by inspiring the desire to merit his respect which it was easy to discover could be obtained in no other way than by a steady consistent and rational course of action the mind of was not so as his character was dignified and his tastes refined and exclusive had he seen more of the world he might have been more liberal but his sentiments would have been less pure what would i not have given tor a full and complete conviction that he thought he had acted wisely in choosing me for the companion oi his child i vain i sought to win his favour by every which i deemed too remote for detection had no effect upon n character so firm and sterling what i failed to accomplish in this way was however in time effected by my simple and services to his child who sometimes gave her father such glowing descriptions of my kindness that he rewarded with a smile too expressive of entire confidence for me ever to forget it was indeed as the kind nurse had told no one could witness the sufferings of without loving her she was not impatient but so perfectly that she concealed nothing and after having permitted herself to speak as she thought too freely of her own distressing	41
feelings she would sometimes shed over what she called her weakness and ingratitude team more than pain alone had been able to from her with no one was she so completely in her moments of suffering as with me mrs woods said she too much and i tell my father all that i feel lest i should distress him it is quite different with us all now that you are miss are you not happy to have made us so cheerful again even my is quite an altered man i thought this morning when he looked at you that he smiled as he used to smile upon my mother and do you know he talks of inviting company to the house again for he says it is not good for you to lead so secluded a ufe i replied that my wish was only to be useful and that i felt no want of society well don t say anything about it for i am quite sure it will do him good as well as you to have some one now and then to converse with out of our own family i dare say you will take all the trouble off his hands and will not let him feel the want of my mother who used to be so easy and pleasant in the pains of pleasing that entertaining company has appeared quite impossible to my poor father since he was alone i could not help feeling a secret glow of exultation at the idea that i should now be able to exhibit my character to in what i considered its most pleasing light the guests arrived had dressed myself with studied care and my spirits rose with the prospect of once more having a fair field in which to exercise my powers of pleasing knowing too well the trial of patience it must be to to carry on tlie empty common place of conversation i endeavoured to relieve his difficulty by and my natural vivacity and whatever his guests might think of my proper station in bis establishment i was fully convinced of their perfect satisfaction in finding so lively and entertaining a person for that day at the head of it more than once i detected the steady eyes of fixed upon me when his lips were silent and there was an earnest meaning in his gaze which made the colour rush into my face i knew not why at last he the room and for so long a time that i began to think seriously of my invalid friend and to the company for the necessity of attending to duties which i had too long forgotten i ran hastily up stairs to pay my first visit to since the arrival of the guests her father was bending over her couch in the same attitude in which i had first seen him they had been conversing but their voices dropped when i opened the door and when rose for me to take my proper place he pressed his handkerchief to his eyes with more emotion than he was wont to betray and hastily the room come near to me my friend said stretching out her hand you have been a long time away i am afraid my father thinks you have neglected me and there is so much mirth below he does not know how to bear it my mother was a very gentle woman such as you are in the nursery with me but are you always the same i am always sorry when i have given pain said i perhaps you are too anxious to give pleasure continued the child and that i am sure would give my father pain in any one he loved i was almost comforted with the close of this sentence for there was a certain refinement and devotion in the character of that made his esteem the highest object of my ambition but his love i had never dared to think of his love before we heard of you the child went on long before we saw you that you were a very charming woman a sort of idol in society now my is worth pleasing but you cannot please him and all the world beside he will explain lo you better than i can how it makes a person little and contemptible to be always studying to please and how there is but one being in the universe whose favour is worth the constant trouble of obtaining do not think me impertinent miss for speaking to you in this manner i am only an ignorant child but i lie here upon this weary bed pondering upon many grave and serious things which if i could enjoy exercise and play like other children i should most likely never dream of tell me my dear friend that you are not offended no no i replied i am distressed but not offended you shall be my kind and faithful for your heavenly father makes up to you for the he by a clearer sense of what is right than i have ever enjoyed but may you not enjoy the same may not all who wish to be directed find a guide yes but to wish earnestly and with true sincerity of heart is the difficulty and to wish always is another difficulty for sometimes when i am quite at ease and kind friends are doing more than enough i do wish from the bottom of my heart that i may never be impatient again but when my pain and no one is at liberty to with me or perhaps when tliey do not understand my meaning i scarcely wish at all and then you may be sure i am very i and very w i think the only way is to wish as much and as often as we can and to pray god not to forget us in our moments	41
of weakness when we are but too likely to forget him more than twelve months had now passed since i first became an with this family and the time i spent with and his interesting child was certainly the most useful as it was the happiest of my life amongst the select circle of their intimate associates was a lady whom never could compel myself to like so well as my judgment convinced me that i ought had miss ever been to the of youth she was past the age for those to interfere with the dignity of a character even less intellectual than hers and the speculations of idle who sport with great characters as well as small had fixed upon her as the future mother of my helpless charge mother i almost shuddered when i thought of this woman as the mother of poor she was however in high favour with the father and a frequent visitor at his house where her masculine understanding deep knowledge of books and fearless conversation on subjects usually beyond the aim and compass of her sex threw me and my so far into the back ground that had it not been for the kind regard of not shown me by little personal attentions in the midst of her luminous i should have felt more disturbed by her presence than was at all reasonable so long as these kind attentions were continued it was enough for me that while miss was quoting learned authors and arguing about the construction of a greek sentence my personal comfort was not forgotten it was more than enough for what woman s heart is not made to glow with more intense delight by these proofs of tenderness and regard than by the most flattering tribute of mere admiration with the lapse of time gradually recovered the serenity of his mind and could even enjoy a social evening spent in society congenial to his taste miss had joined a select party gathered round his fire one winter s day when the conversation turned upon the internal evidence of the holy and took up the arguments of those who would overthrow the christian scheme altogether it might be evident to others that he was doing this merely for the sake of proving afresh the weakness of these arguments but to me it was not and finding him on the weaker side and miss on the stronger and choosing rather to support him than to defend the truth i threw all my force into the rising scale convincing those who heard me that i was ready to advocate the cause of right or wrong just as caprice might dictate but that i should never be a very able of either argument has a much greater tendency to convince those who speak than those who hear and i was just beginning to l c fully confirmed in the truth of the i was uttering when suddenly broke the thread of our discourse by acknowledging himself by the superior dexterity of miss or rather he added by the superiority of that cause which only attacked for the pleasure of hearing it defended by a woman every eye was now turned towards me and miss was not too dignified to triumph over a fallen enemy i tried to look at ease and to put on an appearance of having been at play rather than in earnest but a sensation of intense prevented the of a n and i rejoiced almost for the first time in my life as soon as found myself forgotten when the guests were gone i looked to for consolation but i looked in vain his eye was turned towards me with an expression of tenderness which i the pains of pleasing did not understand and for succeeding days his behaviour was equally inexplicable i sometimes detected him gazing silently upon my face and could not when i turned away help feeling that i was still the object of his earnest attention sometimes after conversing in a tone unusually familiar he abruptly left the room and at other times his voice was so mournful and his countenance so dejected that i longed to in his secret cares and if possible to chase them away all kinds of caprice and were so foreign to his nature that i was entirely at a loss what construction to put upon this change and had it not evidently been a case of deeper than ought to be communicated to a child i should have referred my anxiety to so far as i could venture with propriety i did and learned from her that she too thought something must have disturbed her father s more especially she added because he yesterday gave orders for the removal of the which concealed my s picture and after gazing on her for a long time he said in a melancholy voice we need all the helps we can lay hold of in this troublesome worlds may not the holy calm of this countenance sometimes help to preserve you and from evil if guardian spirits are permitted to attend us through the pilgrimage of life surely your mother will be mine and yours and as i had no thoughts concealed from her while living so i desire that those eyes may be constantly before me to remind me of my duty now it was not many days before the mystery was i found upon my table on retiring for the night a letter directed for mc in s hand writing i took il up a sudden thought flashed across my mind bright as the beams of the rising sun to the t traveller it must be so then why this melancholy this deep conflict of feeling all was accounted for by the idea that a parent has much to take into consideration i gave the to my imagination and for one short moment was happy i	41
was grateful too and bowed my knee to return thanks that at last i had found a home a protector and a guide all unworthy as i am he shall not find his confidence i will cherish his poor child and in loving her and him i shall learn in time to love all things holy an important fact was yet to be ascertained the seal was unbroken and my was of such short duration that i had scarcely strength enough remaining to the paper the first ill omen i perceived was a sum of money which fell at my feet the letter a long one kindly and delicately i remember every sentence every thought every syllable at which i looked and looked again to ascertain whether it would bear a construction the concluding paragraph ran thus how ungrateful is the duty of offering you in return for all r kindness to me and mine this painful proof of my entire confidence i know that i am of a companion who has both the power and the wish to soothe me and that no one on earth can now supply your place i feel as none but a parent can feel that i am my helpless of the tender solicitude of a mother and when she appeals to me only for those services which you have been accustomed to perform what answer shall i make au these considerations i have weighed day day and often at deep midnight when you were not near me to my thoughts i have watched you with the eye of a and a father and my solemn conviction is that we must part not that you have omitted to fill up the measure of sympathy and with all an amiable heart d supply but because the mother of my child must be religious as well as amiable the wife of my bosom must be united to her god to a woman of your delicacy i need say no more that you are too charm and might become too dear what i have already said has been wrung from my heart pictures of private life more agony than i had thought myself capable of feeling again farewell and if the assistance of a true and faithful friend can ever be of service to you in any difficulty remember one who never can forget you as if in mercy to me was permitted to sleep soundly that night in the morning i learned that had gone out early saying that he should not return until the evening of the following day i could not his meaning he wished not to meet me again while sending me forth from his home he had done what he could to my way he had told the that circumstances had occurred to induce me to leave his family the great difficulty was with poor for her he had left a note and when i returned having placed it in her hand i found that she had buried her face in the pillow and that her tender frame was almost with the violence of her grief but while trying to comfort her i was enabled in some measure to forget my own i sat with her all that day and towards evening we could both converse more calmly my father has not told me said she why you are going to leave us nor do i seek to know for had it been right that i should he would not have concealed it from me i almost wish you had never come and yet it will be pleasant to think sometimes when i am suffering that you would gladly be near me may god be good to you as you have been to me i will pray for you in the long night when i cannot sleep and if ever time hangs heavily upon you if friends are unkind or you are tossed about without a home think if it be any consolation to you that you are remembered in the of a poor child talked and wept until wearied nature was worn out i told her that i had concluded to set off with the first dawn of the morning before she sighed her last farewell her strength was so much exhausted that i could perceive the of her grief was gone and before i stole out of her chamber i had the satisfaction of feeling her breathe quietly and regularly as i stooped down to gaze more upon her calm and beautiful face it was through the dull haze of a winter s morning that i turned to look again into that peaceful i saw the light from the window i had called my own i saw it for the last time glimmering through the trees the river was still gliding on all nature was the same as when i first beheld that scene another spring would clothe those trees in beauty but no bright hope of gladness shone upon my path for mine was the winter of the soul the end voice from the the force of example add to those who think and feel by mrs author of the wives or england author s edition complete in one new york henry g house a voice from the chapter i t f of as a vice if the physician on charge of an invalid should simply en himself in laying down rules for the preservation of perfect health it is evident that his advice would be of but little service in the removal of any existing disease under which his patient might be laboring his rules might be excellent his theory correct but how would such a patient benefit by either his malady would require the application of some direct and practical remedy before he could be in a situation to take advantage of any method however excellent for the preservation of perfect health it	41
is thus with the moral as well as the physical of mankind it would be a comparatively easy and pleasant task to lay down rules for the preservation of order and happiness provided they had never been interrupted but when evil habits have once gained the and the moral harmony of society has been destroyed there must be a employed to check what is evil before any can operate in what is good although the exceeding of sin all idea of there being in the divine sight any degree or in the nature of sin itself yet with regard to particular vices as they come under human observation there are certain points of distinction which demand particular attention and require appropriate treatment as we see by the variety of for the well being of society and the still greater variety of systems of discipline brought into exercise for the purpose of the evil tendencies of our common nature none who have ever been truly awakened to a sense of the all sufficient power of religious influence upon the human heart will be liable to suppose that any mode or system of moral discipline simply as such can be in its operation upon the life and character so as ultimately to secure the salvation of the soul but as a child is carefully taught that truth and kindness are good and falsehood and cruelty evil long before it knows any thing of the religion of the bible so in the case of every particular vice which has been known in the world it may fairly be said to be better that it should be given up than continued provided only it cannot be overcome except by the of another it is no small point gained when an immortal being a fellow traveller in the journey of life is prevailed upon to cease to do evil in any one respect he is at least in a better condition for learning to do well than while in his former course if a child a servant or any one under our care has been accustomed to tell a voice from the we rejoice over the first symptoms of their having learned to fear a lie even though their conduct should no other indication of a change we do not say let him return to the evil of his ways for it is of no use his leading a life in this respect unless he becomes a changed character we do not say this because we know that the well being of society and the good of every individual connected with him require that he should give up this particular habit and if for no other reason we think it sufficient that it should be given up for this that the tendency of all evil is to and that no vice can exist alone but if indulged will necessarily extend itself and whatever it comes in contact with by this means producing innumerable poisonous fruits from one root thus the state of society is improved every time a vicious habit is wholly given up and if this be true of vice in general how eminently is it the case with that if because there is no other which on the one hand is so by the customs of the world and which on the other its influence to so fearful and deadly an extent is the only vice in the dark catalogue of man s against the will and the word of his maker which directly the of human reason and by destroying the power to choose good and evil renders the being whose was originally divine no longer a moral agent but a mere idiot in purpose and animal in action the man who is habitually consequently makes a voluntary surrender of all control over his own conduct and lives for the greater portion of his time deprived of that highest attribute of man his rational faculties it is however a fact deserving our most serious consideration that in this state he is more alive than under ordinary circumstances to the impulse of feeling and of passion so that while on the one hand he has less reason to instruct him how to act on the other he has more restlessness and to force him into action it has been calculated that of persons thus degraded there are at the present time existing in great britain more than six hundred thousand of whom sixty thousand die the wretched victims of this appalling vice such then is the peculiarity of that while all other vices leave the mind untouched and the conscience at liberty to detect and warn of their commission this alone the reasoning powers so that they have no of resistance and while all other vices are such from their earliest commencement this alone only begins to be a vice at that precise point when the clearness of the mind and the activity of the conscience begin to fail and thus it according to the generally received opinion by increasing in in the exact proportion by which mental and moral power are diminished what an extraordinary of guilt is this for an enlightened world to make in all other cases a man s is measured precisely by the ability i he has to detect evil and the power be possesses to withstand temptation in this alone he is first encouraged by society and this is while his natural powers remain no blame to him then he is a fit companion for wise and good men but no sooner does his reason give way than he is first slightly of as a vice i by society then then despised and finally just according to the stages by which he has become less capable of understanding what is right and his own inclinations to what is wrong it is another striking feature in the character of as a vice that it not only	41
under the sanction of the low but under that of what is called the best society not only under the sanction of the world but under that of religious professors who believe themselves called out of darkness into light it begins with the first welcome which kind and christian friends to give to a young immortal being just ushered into a state of by which it is to be fitted for eternity and it extends through all the most social and cheering as well as through many of the most lasting and sacred associations we form on earth until at last when the tie is broken and the grave receives our lost and loved the solemn scene is closed and the s heart is soothed by the commencement of i say the commencement for who can tell at what draught what portion of a draught what drop for it must really come to this who can say then at what drop of the potent cup ceases and begins the man himself cannot tell for it has justly been observed that instead of feeling that he is taking too much his only impression is that he has not had enough who then shall warn even if he were in a condition to listen to remonstrance who should be his judge if it be perfectly innocent nay right in the first instance to partake of this say to the extent of two thousand drops if all sorts of persons up to the highest scale of religious take this quantity and more and deem it right to it even to double or if as occasion may demand it must be strong evidence that quantity as regards a few thousand drops can be of little consequence still there is there must be a precise point at which mankind ought to stop or why is the unanimous voice of up against the but why above all are we told that no can enter the kingdom of heaven ask this question of a hundred persons and they will in all probability each give you a different account of the by which they ascertain at what point begins because there are all the different habits and of mankind to be taken into account as well as all the different degrees of in the draught according to its name and quality of twenty persons seated at the same table and themselves with the same wine it is more than probable that the fatal drop at which begins would not be in the same glass with any two among them who then shall decide this momentous question for it is momentous since eternal condemnation depends upon it let us reduce the number of persons and see whether by this means the case will be more clear we will suppose then that three persons sit down jo table to take their wine or whatever it may be in what is called an innocent and social way out of this small number it is possible that one may commit a deadly sin without taking re than the others yet to him it is sin simply because drop of transition between good and evil from the peculiar constitution of his bodily frame occurs in his glass at an earlier a voice from the stage than it does with the others these three men consequently rise from that according to the opinion of the world in a totally different moral state for one has been guilty of a degrading vice and the others are perfectly innocent yet all have done the same thing who then i would ask again is to decide in such a case i repeat it cannot be the guilty man himself because that very line which the minute transition between a state of innocence and a state of sin is the same at which he ceased to be able clearly to distinguish between one and the other it is impossible then that this question should ever be decided unless every one who in the use of such would take the trouble to calculate the exact distance the extremes of and not only by every variety of liquid in which is contained but by every variety of bodily sensation which he may be liable to experience this calculation will bring him to one particular point which may not be called the point of transition at which positive evil begins and beyond which it is a positive sin to go who then i ask again shall fix this point it must of necessity be to the calculations of the man whose inclination in the hour of temptation is not to see it whose desire is to step over it and whose at that time are so clouded and obscured that he could not ascertain it if he would here then we see a marked difference and every other vice for instance is as much at the beginning as it is at the end and if a case should occur in which there was any doubt about the act being really such reason might immediately be applied to as nor would any other of the faculties of the mind have suffered in the slightest degree from the commission of a deed neither are there any degrees of openly by the world and by religious society we will not say that there are not tricks in trade and which exist to the of our country and our profession but they are chiefly done in secret and acknowledged at least in the to be wrong another characteristic of is that it often begins in what are considered the happiest and most social moments of a person s life it begins when the hospitable board is spread and when friend meets friend when the winter s fire is blazing when the summer s is finished on the eve of parting when moments glide away with the of hours when hearts warm towards each	41
other when broken confidence is restored when the father back his son and when the young and trusting bride first enters her new home all these and of thousands of associations all as tender and some of them more dear are with our recollections of the tempting draught which of itself no borrowed sweets how different from this are all other vices injurious to society in the first instance as well as in the last selfish in their own nature and they no sooner appear in their naked form th n a check is put upon them by the united voice of society the thief is not welcomed into the bosom of kind families he has been known to steal a the whose evil are next to the in their nature is and hated before his failing has become a vice and so it is with all who sin in other ways they are acknowledged to be dangerous as companions and injurious as citizens in the commencement of their guilt it is only by denying a knowledge of their actual conduct that they are supported and even by their friends so far as they are to be guilty they are condemned though having but a while the victim of alone carries with him the sanction of society long after the commencement of his career nay he drinks of the very same bowl with the religious professor until he has lost the power to refrain the victim of may have originally sat down to the same draught as the religious man he may have been his friend but it so happens that his constitution of body is different with him the transition point occurs at an earlier period than with the other he passes this without being aware of his danger and his mastery over himself is lost what horror then the religious man not against himself having with his friend but against that friend for having gone too far had he begun with him to commit a little or to tell a slight falsehood and his friend had gone too far he would have blamed himself for the remainder of his life for being to the of that friend but here he starts back considers himself and is considered by others as perfectly innocent while his friend who has committed nothing but a more of the very same act is as degraded and as guilty the voice of society is st and unfair with regard to persons they are together as belonging to the lowest grade of hun an beings of vicious haunts and of every it is a melancholy truth that such for the most part they become but it is equally true that many if not of them have been out from the ranks of honest and of honorable men whose principles and habits were precisely the same as their own in the first instance but whose bodily constitution and whose powers of self mastery were stronger and who thus happened to remain on the safe side of the transition line i would not for an instant be supposed to doubt the of constant under the influence of religious principle and above every other consideration the all sufficient power of that divine assistance which alone can be expected in answer to fervent and prayer i would not a doubt that thousands have not been prevented by this means from going too far even under the critical circumstances already described but i speak of people generally of society as it is constituted of things as they are and i speak under the conviction that notwithstanding all the of ministers of religion and of zealous and devoted friends to the promotion of the gospel of christ some additional rt is required and some other means are necessary in order to rescue from destruction the thousands who now fill the ranks of and the thousands beyond these who from the same habits are following unconsciously in the same fatal course there is another important point of difference the victims of and those who are to any other vice the man begins his guilty course with a meanness of a voice from the and a degradation of soul which mark him out as a stain upon the society of which he forms a part the along with his thirst for gold a hardness a and sometimes a hatred against his fellow beings and so it is throughout the whole catalogue of evil which marks the downward progress of degraded and guilty they are guilty and even before the vices to which they themselves are committed they are guilty before the world and to the open censure of society just in proportion as they have a thought a conception or a design to its well being and destructive of its peace but the man begins his career with no such feeling he begins it most frequently without a wrong intention at all and is often alas too often the kindest of the kind the favorite guest the beloved companion of those who cheerfully accompany him along the first stage of his dangerous career it is however the most lamentable feature in his case that although he may thus begin with a noble generous and heart he invariably becomes mean selfish and even cruel impartial observation of the world will i believe support me when i repeat that the habitually are for the most part persons who have been originally social benevolent and lovers of their fellow men of cordial meetings and of those together of congenial spirits which it would be impossible for a harder and less feeling nature so fully to enjoy they are persons who from to pain and pleasure are liable to be too much elated by the one and depressed by the other for their own peace persons to whom n too intense and suffering too wretched to be experienced with of mind	41
to whom a with chosen friends is absolute felicity and a wounded spirit death to such the draught has ever been the strongest temptation because while on the one hand it seemed for the moment to every pleasure on the other it has for a season equally transient the power of off the edge of every pain again we all know the force with which certain bodily diseases operate upon the mind we know that th sensation of perfect health is to the mental faculties and even cheering to the soul in this state we can form and execute plans of which we should have been incapable under certain kinds of sickness even had the power of action been thus the mind is in a great degree dependent upon the body and especially those functions of the body which nervous sensation is most intimately connected in a state of nervous disorder the powers of perception judgment and decision are so far that even conscience ceases to exercise a just and lawful influence and ideas are conceived and actions performed under a total for clearly right from wrong from the effect it produces upon the stomach and the brain has a more influence upon the nervous system and consequently upon the mind than any other disease there are of course degrees of this influence beginning first with the slightly sensation which some persons experience after drinking a single glass of wine and extending to the last and fatal of the poor outcast from respectable peculiarities of as a vice ty it is often asked why does not the stop and he is sometimes most severely blamed for taking too much by those who take only a little less but how should he stop when his mind has lost its healthy tone in consequence of the particular state of his body when he ceases to be capable of good and evil and cares not any consequences that may come upon him how should he stop it is a mockery of common sense and an insult to common feeling to suppose that of himself and he should have the power to do so at that critical moment he has not even the to stop so far from it his inclination is on the opposite side and the whole force of his animal nature with an excess of bodily appetite are increasing on the side of evil in the same proportion that his mental his conscience and his power of self mastery are becoming weaker on the side of good and this is the man of whom the world judges so hardly because he has passed unconsciously the forbidden line because he has never been able to ascertain exactly where it was and most probably because from some natural constitution of body the same draught which was safely drunk by another was one of fearful peril to him the original construction of the bodily frame has much to do with the diseases to which we are liable through the whole of our lives there are hereditary tendencies which the skill of the physician the care of the parent and the advice of the friend are exerted to correct in no case are hereditary tendencies more striking than in the children of parents it is true the very excess and consequent ruin of one generation not tend to place certain individuals of the next more upon their guard against the same lamentable fate and ultimate safety often depends upon an early apprehension of danger but there is in the bodily constitution of such families a peculiar which ought to render them the objects of the tenderest sympathy and the most watchful care to others there is in their very nature if once excited an aching want of that which even a very slight degree of supplies and when once this want is gratified it to such a degree as to resemble a fire whose torment nothing can but constant of the same deadly draught now it is quite impossible we should know when mixing in general society where and when we may meet with individuals of this constitutional tendency for even with children of the most respectable parents it sometimes to an alarming extent perhaps we sit down to table with twenty persons and among them is one of those to whom the cup of which others are drinking as they believe innocently is the cup of poison and of death perhaps that one is a father s hope or the only child of a mother or the beloved and of a young and trusting heart about to become the father of a family the head of a household and himself in his turn an example and a guide to others his friends drink with him they all partake in safety but within his bosom the latent elements of destruction are set on fire and he headlong into shame and misery and ruin to a certain extent his friends have gone along with him they have even pressed and encouraged him to partake but no sooner do they perceive that he has a certain a voice the and almost limit or in other words that his bodily frame has not been able to sustain what they have borne than they turn from him and acknowledge him no more as a companion and a friend they are in fact ashamed to be seen with him he loses caste among them becomes a marked man and is finally left to perish as an object of disgust and too gross to be and too low for pity nor is it with those who are liable alone that this bodily tendency exists the habit of itself it and thousands who have begun their career simply out of compliance with the of society and not a few who have done so under medical advice have acquired for certain kinds of and sometimes for all	41
an habitual craving which they have ultimately sacrificed every other consideration to gratify how do we know then in mixing with society but that we are sitting down to table with some individual who has just arrived at the turning point in this career one who has just begun to suspect his own danger who is hanging as the weak always do upon the example of others and looking especially to religious people to see what sanction they may give to an indulgence for which he is ever in search of an excuse how do we know among the many with whom we associate and whose private history is to us how do we know whose eyes may be fixed upon us with anxious hope that we shall go along with them in the course they are so desirous to pursue though they would still wish to pursue it without condemnation or guilt now if these eyes should be beaming from a young and trusting heart unconscious of the whole extent of the danger and fondly believing that safety dwells with us but more especially if they beam from the fair countenance of woman oh if at the same moment we could look upon the misery and the guilt that would to the being thus regarding us and thus plunging into from our example what should we say to the christian man or woman who could esteem a trifling act of self denial of mere bodily as too great a sacrifice to be made on such an occasion oh but the indignant exclamation is we do not meet with persons of this kind in respectable society we do not sit down with such at table the haunts of vice are where they resort we can have nothing to do with their from whence then has come that degraded figure with his tattered garments yet with the air of still about him from whence has come that wretched female shrinking from the gaze as if the remembrance of her childhood and the honored roof beneath which her girlish footsteps trod was yet too strong for that burning fire to or that fatal flood to drown a the six hundred thousand victims of now in existence are there not many such as these many who have known what it was to be brought up who had better thoughts and purer feelings in their youth and who shrunk as we do now with horror and disgust from the contemplation of a figure presenting such a wreck of humanity as theirs but acknowledging that these six hundred thousand persons are already lost that their doom is sealed that they arc beyond the reach of our influence and beneath even our charity to pity as we pass them by acknowledging what is a fact that sixty thousand of these die what shall we say of the sixty thousand who will during the course of this year come forward to sup their place in the ranks of let us pause a moment to contemplate the awful hat that unless rescued from destruction by some extraordinary of divine providence there will be sixty thousand persons entered upon the list of during the present year and that an equal number before twelve months have passed will have died the death of those of whom it is clearly stated that none can enter the kingdom of heaven yet after all the actual death of these persons violent and distressing and hopeless as such deaths generally are their i actual death must not be considered as by any means the extent of the evil of in any single case i have already stated that although often begins with of evil in connection with social feeling and benevolence of heart and often too with high intellectual advantages it almost invariably ends in every species of degradation to which human nature is liable in falsehood meanness and every description of vice thus there is a bad atmosphere surrounding each one of these individuals which and often the feelings of those who breathe within it besides which every one who feels himself to have what the world considers as the bounds of propriety feels an interest in drawing others down along with him into the same gulf his influence is consequently exerted over the the trusting and the weak and often exerted in such a manner that his death awful as that might be would still be a blessing by comparison to those he would leave behind and what shall we say in addition to all this of the sum of misery by which our land is of the thousands of and of thousands of the broken hearted women and the destitute children the household happiness destroyed and the golden promises for which we have to blame the drinking habits of our country habits which are still in the commencement by the respectable and even the religious part of the community what shall we say of the waste of precious hours which has been at the rate of fifty millions per lost to this country merely from the waste of time and consequent loss of labor owing to habits of what shall we say to the loss of useful lives and valuable property from the same cause on the land by fires and other and on the sea by what shall we say to all se facts for they are such and women however high their station or refined their ought to know that they are so facts written on the page of eternity for which time the very time in which we live will have to render its long and fearful account but let us not be discouraged by dwelling too long upon some of the dark pictures which this view of human life presents even this melancholy page has its bright side to which we turn with	41
gratitude and hope for is it not our privilege to live in a state of society among which has sprung up an association of love whose banner is a refuge for the destitute under which all may unite the rich and the poor the strong and the weak for the purpose of the fearful progress of and encouraging those n a voice the who under bodily suffering and mental depression are struggling to escape from the fatal grasp of this gigantic and tyrant foe yes it is an unspeakable privilege to live at the same time that such an association is gaining ground on every hand numbers and gathering strength as we fervently believe under the blessing of divine providence from the same source as that which inspired the when he pledged himself to act upon the principle which has ever become the basis of this association for the removal of said he if meat cause my brother to offend i will eat no flesh while the world lest i make my brother to offend occasions for displaying the same generous disregard of selfish considerations for the benefit of others frequently occur and instances of such are not so rare in the christian world as to b matters of wonder but perhaps never until the present age has this principle been made the motto of a great action of never before did thousands together for the moral benefit of their fellow men by means of an express of their own liberty of indulgence and all that has been pointed out as this remarkable period perhaps nothing is more worthy of being regarded as its distinction in a moral point of view than this that multitudes have abandoned not for a time but for life a customary innocent moderate gratification which did them personally no harm on the single ground that others abused it to harm that this liberty of theirs was a stumbling block to the weak in this way an attempt has been made to begin the removal of a great mass of crime and wretchedness the removal of which once seemed so hopeless that the hardly dared to dream of it which had so itself in the passions of men in their habits in their laws in their interests that it laughed defiance at all opposition against that evil this principle of has been brought to bear and the evil has begun to give way an illustrious of the strength there is in christian chapter ii as it upon in character as it upon individuals consists in the degree or extent of a certain act and not in the act itself all persons allow that is a destructive and vice and we are expressly told in the that no can enter the kingdom of god yet at the same time it is maintained by religious persons of every and to them we trust it is so that drinking a small quantity of liquid is perfectly right we will suppose then that drinking a hundred thousand drops of this liquid is a sin of the character since it from the of heaven and that drinking ten thousand drops is not only right in itself but an act which may with propriety be associated with many of our of religious duty i repeat then there must be between these two extremes a portion a measure nay even a drop at which propriety s and begins and however delicate may be the shades of difference towards j this point it is of the utmost importance to religious professors and indeed to all who love their fellow men that they should he able to say exactly where the line is and to show it to others before they venture to set an example to the world by venturing upon a course which if pursued too far must inevitably end in ruin and death and which can only be entered upon with perfect safety by what has never yet been discovered exactly where the point of danger is what for instance should we think of the wisdom of that man who should go up an elevated plain knowing that from its summit a slippery and uncertain point whose locality he had no ns of d his course would tend downwards with speed and that thousands and of thousands had perished by arriving at this point sooner than they had anticipated what should we think if his object in choosing to venture on this path was not any actual necessity but a mere momentary gratification to feel the coolness of the turf be his feet or the scent of sweet flow by the way we should scarcely point out such a man as an example of the influence of common sense upon his conduct much less should we wish to follow in his steps for though the point of danger might be distant to him it might m its irregular and nature be near to us yet we see every day and than the day well educated enlightened benevolent and even religious persons sit down to the cheering glass of social entertainment and while they take that and perhaps another and it may be a third they talk of subjects refined sublime and elevated and lake sweet counsel together and feel themselves as well as refreshed they retire from the table to look out upon the moving world around they behold the poor outcast from society the victim of and their delicacy is wounded by the sight and they shrink with horror from his degradation and his shame yet that man s crisis of danger occurred perhaps only a very little earlier than theirs he began the same course in precisely the same way he had no more intention and no more fear of passing the summit of the hill than they have now but owing to his bodily of which he was not aware until he made	41
the experiment owing to the peculiar nature of the draught of which he partook to the manner or the place in which it was presented to him but more probably than all to the apparent safety of such men as those who are now turning from the repulsive spectacle that his frame presents he the line of safety before he was aware and perished on the side of misery and guilt if a religious parent has a son to the vice of gambling her does not sit down with him to what is called an innocent game that is to play without money he does not resort with him to the table even though should be forbidden there no the very thought of the amusement simply considered as such becomes to his feelings and comparing the vast amount of mischief which has been done by this means with the small amount of good he entirely from his house both the cards and the that he may avoid all future injury to his by putting from him even the of evil it upon the same principle that few a voice from the religious people in the present day will take into their hands a pack of cards though all must be aware that there is nothing absolutely wrong in the painted paper nor even in the game itself beyond its loss of time yet from all appearance of evil in this particular form they think themselves called upon to not only because of the crime and the misery to which has led but because the very nature of it is opposed to the spirit of the gospel from appearing to have any connection whatever with what has been applied to purposes so base they very properly shrink with horror but from appearing to be connected with what has been the cause of another species of still wider in its extent and more it its nature they feel no whatever but to return to the consideration of as it it is a remarkable fact that all persons begin this habit of indulgence innocently or in other words without the least intention of becoming whatever their situation may be now time was when they sat around the social bowl as of evil as you are at this moment by degrees however the potent draught became pleasant to them so pleasant that they ventured nearer to the point of danger and then as has already been stated the nearer thy approached the more careless they grew whether they the line or not if in such a situation a human being could retain the full possession of his senses he would know that the further he advanced in such a course the greater his danger would be but the very opposite of this being the fact and the of the man becoming more dim in the exact proportion as his danger hia case is one which claims for this very reason our especial sympathy and peculiar care we should never forget then that the nearer the evil of drinking wine or any other approaches to sin the less the mind it the less in short it is capable of understanding what sin is so that by the time the point of danger is passed there remains little ability to perceive that it is so and then a little further and a little further still and neither power nor inclination is left to return it may very properly be argued that the individual who has once been guilty of this breach of decorum and propriety must know that the draught is dangerous to him whatever it may be to others unquestionably he does and he feels having once fallen more certain that he will never fall again he thinks he shall now know where to stop for the remainder of his life and he begins again very at first himself a great many successful efforts upon having so often stopped on the right side of the point of danger as his confidence how ever he further for be has acquired a taste for the indulgence and he the it gives to his animal frame and the it to his spirits he likes too the feeling that he is not bound or that he is able to associate on equal terms with other men and can and dare do as he pleases i in this mood then he passes again the point of danger and finds again on returning to his senses the folly and the sin he has committed still however he is not cast down he has no more idea that he shall ever become an man than you have that the i s grave will be yours he is i as it upon individuals quite sure that he can stop when he likes society of the best kind and friends of the most respectable order all tell him that he can and he is but too willing to believe it with this assurance they place before him the temptation they invite him to partake and if he should by any strange of their kind ness go too far they wash their hands of his guilt it is his and theirs it is strange that benevolent and well disposed persons should be able to look upon individuals in this state should see their weakness and their temptation and yet never once think there is any thing due from them towards a brother or a sister having just arrived at such a crisis of their fate indeed we are all perhaps too backward in offering advice or warning we have much to say and say it harshly and with little charitable feeling when the case is decided but the time to speak and to speak to speak kindly too as brothers or sisters in weakness and fellow travellers on the same path the time to speak with prayer and to	41
speak with the bible in our hands the eye of a righteous god above us and the grave that long home to which we ar all hastening beneath our feet the time to peak thus is while the victim still i before offering himself up to that idol whose of vine leaves are the cf death but suppose the friends of the poor tempted one do warn him of his danger suppose they deal faithfully and affection the extent and variety of temptation to which individuals are thus exposed is forcibly shown in an important and valuable work by john esq on the drinking of our country a work which ought to be in tlie hands of every englishman with him and point out clearly to him the rock on which he is in danger of being wrecked suppose he sees that danger too and is brought to feel it as he ought and promises and purposes with all sincerity of heart to avoid it for the rest of his life what follows he in society with the friends who have warned him and with others who believe themselves to be and who are perfectly safe every board is supplied with the tempting draught the hospitality of the world requires that he as well as others should be pressed to partake why should he not he has no more intention of to excess than the most prudent person present so far from this he is determined resolute and certain that he will not exceed the limits of propriety he therefore his friends on equal terms and who shall say if they are innocent that he is not it is true his crisis of danger has approached nearer to him while theirs remains as distant as before it is true his power of self mastery is considerably it is true his bodily inclination is opposed to his will yet so long as other men and good men too nay even delicate correct and kind feeling women are of what is more agreeable and quite as necessary to him as to them who is there so ignorant of human nature as to expect that such a man should be able to stop exactly at the point where innocence ceases and where guilt begins again i repeat it is a mockery of common sense to look for such a result and it is cruelty to require it no such are the of society that an individual in the state here described is almost sure to plunge deeper and deeper into the vice of until in time he grows a little too bad for a voice from the that society to countenance or endure his early friends those who set out with him in the same career then begin to look coldly upon him they wish he would not claim them as friends at least in public he next falls out of employment he is not eligible for any place of trust he begins to hang about and his former acquaintance endeavor to walk past him without catching his eye at last he becomes low his coat is his hat is brown he is a doomed man his best friends him the good point him out as a warning to the bad he is a terror to women and a laughing stock to children and such are the tender of the world in which we live it makes the heart ache to think how much has been said against how little for the victim of we see the degradation the shame and the misery into which he has fallen but who is the witness of his moments of his heart struggles his faint but still faint because he has no longer the moral power to save himself because he is not yet altogether lost if there be one spectacle on earth more affecting than all others it is that of a human being mastered by temptation yet conscious that the vice to which he is a cruel tyrant from whose giant grasp he still struggles to be free the writer of these pages has been appealed to again and again by the victim of to say whether there was still hope whether the door of mercy was closed whether resistance to the enemy was still possible whether the poor must inevitably be an outcast forever not in one instance only but in many has this been her experience not from the ignorant and the utterly but from the highly the enlightened and the refined she answered the appeal in every instance by dwelling upon the of prayer but at that time there was scarcely power to pray and neither courage nor resolution to make the attempt it is a subject of bitter regret at this moment that she was then with the principle upon which the total society that she did not say with and cheerfulness in her self denial let us make an agreement together that we will taste no more this poisonous cup it is pleasant to me as well as to you but it is not necessary to health or cheerfulness let us therefore make the of from it and what you suffer i will suffer too by this means it is probable that others perhaps a whole household might have been brought to join us and how different the case would then have been from what it was while the draught was constantly brought out while it was pressed upon all and while every one partook of the refreshment it was supposed to i repeat there is nothing re than the contemplation of the victim of while the conscience still remains alive to better things and before the soul is utterly degraded in this situation it appears as if the whole world parents friends associates even the wise and the good were in league against them nor is	41
this all those bodily powers which to the thief and the murder er are still left free and to the man are no longer under his own command his whole frame is his nerves are shattered and that agony which is the result as it upon individuals of an excited imagination in with a disordered brain so takes possession of him that the hours of the long day and the longer night are only to be endured by having recourse to draughts of greater and more frequent repetition it frequently happens that some severe or trying illness is sent to arrest this more dangerous disease in its destructive course the patient then has time to think he has time to pray too if he uses his privileges aright and there is every reason to believe that many who rise up from such a bed of suffering do go forth into the world again disposed to be both wiser and better men and what we ask again is the result in this state the physician that what are called should be taken in moderation kind friends are offering them on hand and when the patient goes into society again he goes as a sober man and therefore he may take them with safety as a man from and therefore he may begin to drink again need we further trace out this mournful history as repulsive as it is melancholy to contemplate such it cannot be denied has been the fate of thousands of of thousands and such is the experience of many at this time we will however take a different view of the same subject and suppose the case of an man who makes the same effort to at an earlier stage of his career and in a different manner he is one who feels himself convicted of sinful excess and who feels also that nothing but total will save him from its consequences he therefore himself singly not only by a firm resolve but also by a vow to taste that can possibly produce the effect of do any of his friends those sincere well who shudder at the prospect of what he might bring upon himself do any of these connect themselves with him in this resolve and say that in the path of safety and of self denial they will walk by his side no he makes his resolution and alone and that very act which is so necessary as the only means of him from ultimate ruin becomes in consequence of no one joining him in it a of disgraceful distinction in fact he is a marked man and when he goes into society it is not to do as others do but to confess by the rule he has laid down for himself that he is weaker than they are and that he has already been guilty of folly and of sin by only when there is urgent need to do only excess has been only when the individual who this needful caution is so weak as not to be trusted with the common of society he is stamped at once with the of and his disgrace is more than he can bear it may be said that he ought to hear t and that on him alone ought to rest the consequences of his past folly but i would ask do men bear it no and no good has ever yet been effected by arguing upon or to enforce what is contrary to the principles that are in human nature principles that regulated the actions of mankind from the beginning of the world and that will them to the end these principles may be brought under a better influence and made to act in with those of the gospel of christ but they are not rendered extinct and never can be in our present state of existence a voice from the it is too much then to expect of man in his natural and state that he should be u iy that he should be able to mix with society as it is now constituted on such but for a woman it would be still worse what shall i declare openly when others their pleasant and refreshing that i dare not drink even of the same draught that i have once gone too far or am liable to do so again the very case is to human nature and those who make this argument the burden of their low upon the for total know little of the purity of motive the deep feeling the generous impulse and the disinterested benevolence upon which such persons act from the causes already described more than from any other those who have felt themselves to be in danger and would gladly escape from their enemy begin again in the same course in compliance with the of society and very naturally fall again into the same excess the history of has been almost universally a history of successive between and between seasons of accompanied with fresh and the same course of which has led to the same end with this difference that the power to will and the wish to act have been weaker after every fall it has been altogether like the case of a man with a naturally weak brain who should walk on a pleasant and tempting path by the side of a precipice overhanging a dangerous flood he in as might be expected but himself and tries the same path again the experiment is repeated and the same consequences follow his companions and friends who are stronger than himself calling out to him to take more care for the future not to go too near but never him not to try the path at all at length he to walk no more so near the edge of danger and though the safer and more distant path is rough	41
and uninteresting and none walk in it but such as are in danger from their natural weakness he tries it for a while the and pleasant path however is still the resort of his friends and associates some of whom invite him back while many laugh at his inability to do as they are doing and thus he is induced to make the experiment once more when his natural powers being now by the many accidents he has brought upon himself he falls again with less capacity than ever to struggle against the devouring flood he now sinks lower and deeper among the foaming waves while from those who still walk in safety on the edge of the precipice from the very same individuals who him back expressions of anger and contempt burst forth with perhaps occasionally the faint of compassion or the fainter of regret and do none cry out to him try yet once more and we will walk with you on that path v is there no band of brothers ready to come forward for his sake are there no sisters hand in hand to promise they will never leave his side but cheer him on so as if possible to make it a and a joy to walk with them even there is there no mother s voice to cry my son my son for thy sake will i never as i have done tread again that dangerous to me it might be safe but since thy precious life is thus what are its flowers i its fragrance or its grassy turf to me in f as it upon comparison with the safety of my child v no they all pass on some with cruel mockery others it is true with but the victim is consigned to his fate and the kindest only let him alone on looking at the subject in this point of view we see at once the beauty and the of the principle upon which societies are established if a society for the of this vice were to consist exclusively of those had been to it there would be disgrace and in the very name few except persons altogether lost to shame would have the courage to their names in such a list and the less shame was the deeper would be the upon a community of such individuals the thing indeed would be morally impossible as much so as for a few men to associate themselves together and to say we will form a society for the of by inviting all who have gone too far in that vice to join us but the society is based on a more rational a more firm and a more lasting foundation men and women too who have never had to fear temptation for themselves and these to the extent of hundreds of thousands have linked themselves together by union of purpose for the general good and have bound themselves not by a vow but by a public pledge which may at any time be withdrawn that while members of that society they will not partake of what though innocent to them has been the cause of an of crime and misery to their fellow beings convinced of the important fact that when the turning point in a man s life has come when he wishes to cease to do and to to do well the kindest service his friends can do him is to endeavor to raise his standing it must necessarily be the object of this society to render it respectable so that no man may be degraded among his fellow men by joining it that so noble and benevolent an object should be in any way defeated by the nay the opposition of any among the enlightened and benevolent classes of the community is one of the wonders of our day yet still they have come from the east and from the west both men and women who were without hope in the world and many of whom are now sitting clothed and in their right mind giving thanks in the house of god and up their prayers with the multitude whose privilege it is to call upon his name and still notwithstanding all that has been thought and felt and done against this society thousands and thousands of helpless creatures have been from have become from burdens are from the shame have come to be the joy of heart broken friends this is the lord s doing and it is marvellous in our eyes it is going on and say what we may what need not be denied of some doubtful of some unwise speeches of some measures of some even apparently rescued who have sunk back still there remains ample room to believe the reform so far complete that the next generation will know almost nothing of the curse which has the past chapter in if between the two extremes of perfect innocence and actual sin there is in the l a voice from the act of drinking a medium line at which the one ceases and the other begins there must also be between that point and the extreme of innocence another line at which safety ceases and danger begins we will for the present suppose this line to be fixed though some of us are inclined to think it might be fixed upon the act altogether now as the line of sin seldom occurs at the same point with any two individuals and even with the same individuals at different times according to the of the body for such without exhibiting any outward sign of as it also according to the nature of the liquid of and as some maintain according to the circumstances under which it is taken and as danger always at a certain distance from actual sin it must be extremely difficult nay impossible to say exactly where the line of	41
danger is or i should rather say where it is not here then we see again the peculiar nature of a vice which consists only in an increased degree of what is no vice at all and hence arises the necessity of a mode of treatment with regard to our fellow beings laboring under this particular temptation which no other circumstances require much has been said on the subject of not being for our habitual use and many able works to which i would refer the reader have been written to prove that they are not only unnecessary but actually injurious it is not my business to enter upon this subject here further than simply to ask why are they taken they are taken by most persons because it is customary to take them by some because they are considered essential to health and by others because they are agreeable in themselves or in the feelings they produce with all persons however they have a peculiar tendency to obtain power and mastery because it is their nature to for a time and consequently to produce exhaustion according to that law in the human constitution which dr describes when he says that the circulation always falls off in a greater degree than it is forced hence the languor and weariness fever and and want of with those who are accustomed to resort to the excitement of wine for the refreshment either of mind or body there is also another law in our nature which renders excitement extremely delightful indeed one would be almost tempted to think that to a large proportion of the individuals who mix in general society it was the one thing needful to their existence there can be little doubt but that this law has been originally laid down in wisdom and in mercy to us on to action and to prevent our in the pursuit of what is good but how has it been from its original design we seek the world over for to create the sensation we delight in instead of being satisfied to enjoy along with every act of duty that natural excitement which it has been so wisely intended to produce but the to which we most habitually and according to the generally received opinion most resort is wine we feel a little faint about the middle of the day and we take it then we are thus strengthened and enabled to go out and make our calls or to attend to our duties in any other way we can j even visit the poor and we really do feel more vigor more ability and more courage to them of their extravagance and excess particularly in the way of immediately after what we call the necessary has been taken we come back however exceedingly tired and did not the dinner table present us with a fresh supply we believe we should scarcely be able to get through the day our fathers and brothers however are surely not subject to this about the hour of noon no but they come home reasonably and absolutely tired and they too must have their strength restored by the same draughts if such then be the condition and such the habits of persons in perfect health and easy circumstances what must be the measure of relief required from the same medicine by the millions who are ill at ease who are suffering either from mental anxiety or bodily pain or perhaps from both the human frame even the advantage of this wholesome and necessary is subject to a variety of diseases and uncomfortable sensations which we are not only anxious to remove ourselves but which our kind friends are anxious to remove for us and artificial is thus resorted to not to cure these diseases for that it cannot do not to remedy these uncomfortable sensations for they come again but to make us feel them less i would here beg to claim the particular attention of the reader for here the subject a most serious and important aspect and i would ask the question candidly and kindly are those diseases of the body and those uncomfortable sensations to which i have alluded really or by or is the body only brought into such a condition as to be made more easy under their and more careless about them altogether are they not in reality by other sensations of a nature so as to be no longer felt or regarded we know that a very slight degree of pain may be so soothed by gentle and by other means of a similar nature as for a time scarcely to be felt and certainly not cared for while a greater degree of suffering is by other kinds of pain upon different parts of the body if then the whole of our bodily sensations could be just so far and so agreeably put in operation that we should be wholly occupied with a lively and sense of indefinite pleasure it is but reasonable to suppose that we should be rendered by this means not only insensible to but wholly unconscious of a moderate degree of pain in any particular part this then is precisely the manner in which operate upon the bodily frame except only in those very few and partial cases where they are really calculated to do good in all of which other and safer might be in their stead in reasoning on this important subject however i must confess i am one of those who do not consider the question of health as so deeply involved as that of moral responsibility but the case has now been tried for a sufficient length of time even in this country to prove that any kind of a state of health as good nay even better may be enjoyed happily for our cause there are hundreds and thousands of witnesses now ready to the	41
fact that they never were so well as since they totally while on the other hand those who declare themselves incapable of doing without such almost invariably show by an e of some or many that they do very badly with it if then it is the frequent and almost invariable tendency of those who take a little wine to make them comfortable to take a little and a little more as the body under its various may seem to require what must be done when the mind with its long catalogue of deeper becomes disturbed what must be done as it becomes a prey to all those anxieties which mix themselves in with the under current of daily life especially in the present state of society why the sudden intelligence of an unexpected loss will often induce a man to gratify himself with this kind of imaginary strength while the necessity of a servant not less frequently sends the mistress of a house for refreshment to her and yet we are told there is no danger no danger at all in all this i repeat that not knowing exactly where the line of danger is it is and must be a perilous experiment to all and nothing can tend more forcibly to this truth than the fact that all men and all women too who are now the degraded victims of began and went on precisely in this manner not one among them intending or believing it possible at first that they should ever exceed the limits prescribed by safety or decorum but what is it which makes this wine or this liquid which away our pain desirable is it not a sensation throughout the whole animal frame a little warmth a little comfort a little energy a little confidence a little satisfaction in a very of all these so little that we could not define their combined operation except by saying we feel better than before and yet this very feeling innocent as it may appear in itself is in reality a degree of the same sensation thrilling through the frame is what by advancing a few steps further in the same course would become muscular the same pleasant glow would become restless fever the same sense of comfort would be folly the same energy would be madness the same confidence would be of shame and the same self satisfaction would be the same glorious exultation of the in his own disgrace it is painful it is repulsive to enter into these minute descriptions on a subject which it would be a privilege to be enabled to forget and to forget forever but it is due to that subject that it should be fairly treated and it is due to the honored friends of the cause that their views and their principles should be clearly understood let us regard it then in another light we have most probably all witnessed the of upon the human system or if any have not i may speak of it as that kind of gas which when produces the effect of laughter with extraordinary excitement of the animal frame and spirits so that the person thus stimulated the most ridiculous behavior now suppose the same individual who had made this exhibition of himself in the evening was to come the next day to any serious business with you having only a very portion of the same only just enough to make him feel re comfortable than he did before would you not consider him less sane less rational and less safe in every way than if he had moderation i not breathed the gas at all unquestionably you would and in exactly the same proportion as it made him feel more comfortable you would be convinced it had him for the occupations the reflections and the duties of a man i do not say that he would be wholly far from it he himself would be more lively more ready and more confident of himself in every way but would he in reality be more competent and more deserving of the confidence of others most assuredly not and you see in an instant in this case that a perfectly wise man would not trust himself to breathe though but in a small quantity what was capable of and even his brain again let us ask of the christian whether if he had committed to him the of some newly discovered island for the government of whose inhabitants he had to make laws which should influence the character and welfare of those people through successive ages if also they had hitherto lived in total ignorance of the use and properties of let us ask whether thus situated and taking into account all the good and all the evil already done in other countries by the introduction of such knowledge he would deem it benevolent or wise to introduce such among the people over whom he ruled and for whose virtue and happiness here and hereafter he was necessarily so deeply responsible surely there are few who would not answer to this question no let my people go on in their ignorance of this to passion and to vice it is enough for me to govern them aright without a new enemy to their welfare in this artificial and extraordinary means of excitement and lest my own example in using such means myself even in moderation should induce them to use it to excess i will cheerfully endure the inconvenience of removing what is to me an innocent enjoyment it a privilege to do so for the sake of those who are weaker and more ignorant than myself if then such would be the language and such the decision of every sincere well to the human race should not the same feeling operate at least as powerfully in a country already from	41
temperate and life both as regards bodily indulgence and animal excitement and if this is necessary for superior minds in order to their exercise for the good of the community at large it is at least equally so for common minds as a means of preserving them from those follies and which are sufficiently called forth by the ordinary course of social and worldly affairs it would seem however that the of mankind are so fortified against the evils and dangers of this life by the wisdom of the serpent and the of the dove that they can afford to risk the consequences of perpetually adding to the which to sensation and to action just so much as they take away from the calm judgment that is so needed to control our feelings and to teach us how to act aright hence an endless catalogue of evils arising from the in business hasty conclusions expressions weakness under temptation and general of principle to inclination among men while among women the sad consequences of the tongue the sudden impulse and the wilful act have been scarcely less to women especially the excitement of society alone is often enough and too much for the of minds over which there has been exercised no habitual control and after the accustomed means of increasing that excitement have been freely though not according to the opinion of the world too freely used how many through the long dull weary morning hours have to look back with shame to the confused and busy scenes of the previous evening which the dim but certain witness of their own folly stands forth conspicuous as if to warn them against ever venturing upon the same course again but it would require volumes to detail even the most familiar instances arising from this practice as it in society with its poison the secret springs of feeling and to all those little acts thoughts looks and words which constitute the of evil and which may justly be compared to sparks applied to a long train of mischief including the practice of every kind of selfishness and too often bad faith would that peculiar look for oe have been given would that word have passed the fair speaker s would that strange eccentric act have been committed had no artificial been used oh woman reckless woman how often has thy character received a bias and thy whole life a shade from the consequences of some rash purpose conceived without a thought of harm and acted upon from the sudden impulse of a moment how often has the friend of thy bosom been wounded the love of years destroyed and made of happiness and peace from the mere indulgence of a transient inclination too impetuous reason to control and yet under circumstances of peculiar temptation from the excitement incident to society woman is the first to place herself in peril by voluntarily adding to the of which she has already more than her natural prudence can restrain then we venture to trifle with the immortal mind thus we dare to the calm of that bright mirror which ought to reflect the image of divinity but there is another view of this subject which has proved a very one with me and no doubt with many others a person has even of i cannot believe that he is in so suitable a condition to pray as he was before and yet the habitual frame of the christian s mind should be such as that he may be ready at any hour or at any moment to offer up those secret appeals for divine sanction guidance and support without which we cannot expect to be kept in safety in our going out or coming when we begin the day or when we lie down to sleep at night besides which there are all those momentary little of daily life by which we are surprised into evil more frequently than by obvious those sudden questions which we sometimes cannot answer without a secret prayer that our lips may be kept from speaking those trials of temper and those of principle against which we have need to ourselves by as well as by prayer and how is it possible we should be so constantly and entirely on our guard as we might other wise be while under the influence even of the slightest degree of this kind of there are but few persons i should suppose who would think of preparing themselves for the duties of public worship by the use of wine yet if there be one situation in which we are less in danger from temptation than all others it may reasonably be said to be when christian friends go up to the house of god in company he to whom the secrets of all hearts are laid bare he knows that even here the busy mind has enough to do to call in its wandering thoughts and keep them fixed upon the words of the preacher or upon the supreme object of adoration but if here when surrounded with all that can remind us by association and habit of the solemn purpose for which a serious and apparently united community of immortal beings are met if even here while the truths of the gospel are laid before us while prayer and praise are ascending the multitude around we are unable to control the faculties of the mind so as to bring them under to the solemn of the great duty of public worship what must be the difficulty of a suitable control over our thoughts and actions when not reminded of these things when surrounded by moderation i worldly or thoughtless companions when associated with the world in its stirring and necessary or when mixing so far as christians can mix with its pleasures and amusements in addition to the duties of public worship there are those of private devotion	41
there is the reading of the sacred the prayer of the family and the prayer of the closet and how often must these be attended to at a time when the bodily frame is exhausted and when temptation is strong upon those who are to such habits to supply with momentary the energies of the mind what then i ask and i would ask it kindly and solemnly is the nature of those prayers which are offered up under such are they not often mere words from a set of familiar phrases with which the heart has no living or present sympathy and though to the mere formal may exhibit no perceptible deficiency to whom they are addressed knows well that they have little to do with that worship which he has expressly declared to be acceptable only when offered in spirit and in truth there are social and meetings held at die houses of religious people and r be it from me to wish that it should be otherwise par be it from me to attempt to throw a shadow over what i am happy in believing is the brightest aspect of human life the path along which the christian walks humbly with his i have perhaps rather too strong a tendency to think that religious people should above all others understand the science of rational enjoy ment and exhibit before the world the important truth that even earthly happiness may be innocently cordially and thoroughly enjoyed in this very enjoyment however there is excitement enough for the safety of what ought to be the habitual frame of the christian s mind in the meeting of friends in the freedom of social converse and above all in the and delightful sensation of heart to heart and hand to hand with those whom we love and admire in one great one common and one glorious cause there is sufficient excitement too occasioned by the general of this cause by the public meetings and the thrilling eloquence so often heard on these occasions there is excitement enough in all this and sometimes too much for the even balance cf the christian s feelings and temper without the addition of applied to the animal frame which at best produces only a transient accession of energy to be followed by a and exhaustion unknown to who never use such am however one of those who believe that in the sight of god our habitual and secret feelings are of as much as the energy we carry with us into public effort i believe that the ranks of the blessed in an eternity of happiness will be filled up not by those who have merely moved others in a righteous cause but by the meek and humble followers of a whose consistent walk on earth has been in with his and under the guidance of his spirit it is not what we o but what we are that we must be judged by in the great day of account and it is therefore the christian s duty to examine every motive to watch every act and to control every impulse so that his private as well as his public life shall be acceptable in the divine sight were this not the case were it lawful a voice from the or expedient for the christian to throw the whole energy of his mind and body into one great public and to leave nothing for his private hours for his family or for the religion of his closet but nervous irritation weariness or senseless sleep i should be willing to allow that the use of might be favorable to such a course of action indeed i am but too well assured that many extraordinary instances of power many startling flashes of brilliant genius and many single efforts almost supernatural in their force and their effect have been produced under the influence of this kind of excitement but who has followed the individuals from whom such extraordinary action home to their families or their or having so followed them who would pronounce upon their condition there as being that of happy men of men whose daily and conduct constituted one continued homage to the purity the and the of their creator no i appeal to common sense to experience and to observation of the world in wh ther the individuals thus occasionally wrought upon by artificial for a particular and purpose are not of all mankind the least in their private experience and habits the most irritable in their feelings and the most weary of life and its accumulated ills just in proportion then as the religious professor allows himself to approach to this extreme his private life and the secret history of his religious character become stamped with an impress fearfully at with the calm purity the clear intelligence and the high spiritual enjoyment which constitute the christian s happiest of the of the heavenly kingdom such observations however belong only to the theory of this dangerous practice facts awful facts by of every religious are not wanting to assure us that of the causes of religious now prevailing in the world the drinking of our enlightened country have been the most fatal in their consequences the author of anti himself a minister of religion and one who has spent no small amount of time and talent in the investigation of this subject has the following passage in his valuable work and i know not how i can more close this chapter let us look round our and those opening of promise which have been withered and and let us inquire also into the influence which destroyed our hopes and the peace and respectability of the and we shall find that in cases out of a hundred these drinks have been the remote or cause i have seen the youthful professor whose zeal talent respectability and consistent piety have promised much to the	41
church and the world led on from moderate to draughts in the end become a dismissed from the church by his friends himself a nuisance to society and his family in rags i have seen the generous by whose zeal for the gospel and at whose expense too the ministers of religion have been introduced into a destitute village and eventually a house erected for and a flourishing church formed himself himself by his love of strong drink would to these instances were solitary but alas they are not almost every church and every minister have to j total weep over spiritual hopes and christianity outraged by these drinks we must here also observe that if but one member of the church had if but one angel of the church had fallen or but one hopeful convert had been lost through the use of drinks the thought that only one had been betrayed and ought to make us resolve to the consideration that what had destroyed one might injure would were not our hearts more than usually hard prompt us to vow never to touch or taste again but we have not to tell of one but of many that have been ruined the hopeful ministers of the who have fallen are not a few and as to members and young people of the highest promise who have been lost to the church through this practice these might be counted by thousands such are the words of one of the most zealous of total and i give them in preference to my own because i should be sorry to presume upon any right i may have as a private individual to interfere with the habits or question the judgment of those who thinking differently from myself in this respect faithfully fill the high station of ministers of the gospel of them and of religious professors in general all i ask is that they would give the subject their cordial and serious consideration while they ask how many the force of their example might possibly preserve from the fatal consequences of this habit the question has now become one which can no longer be put from us as unworthy of examination without a of duty with the result of such examination i have nothing to do let every one he fully persuaded in his mind persuasion can only be the result of serious and impartial inquiry chapter iv total if the brilliant career of some of our most distinguished men has been suddenly arrested by and if the private career of others has from the same cause been by a premature and total darkness if too we have to lament the obvious and lamentable fall of pillars in the church of what must be the amount of genius and religious hope extinguished of which the world has taken no account and which can be only by him without whose knowledge not so much as a falls to the ground i speak still of a moderate use of those which at once excite and soothe i speak of cases in which just so much is taken as to lull the mind into a sort of agreeable repose or into the still more agreeable belief that it is actually employed when in reality it is not or at least not to any practical or useful purpose for this all is the most tendency both of and to create when taken in moderation a pleasing sensation of activity in the nervous system while thought flows on in so mixed and uncertain a current as seldom to prompt to any definite purpose or continued action in that dreamy after dinner state so little removed from mere animal existence and hence as this state becomes habitual that weakness of resolution and inability for prompt and energetic rt which mark the a voice from the characters of those who indulge in the frequent use of drinks with such persons even while they seldom or never exceed the bounds of what the world calls moderation what a fearful proportion of their lives is spent in this kind of half in merely dreaming that they live and if the claims of society business or public usefulness demand from them at certain seasons a degree of extra exertion how abundantly do they afterwards themselves for their loss of ease by applying fresh to relieve the weariness under which they necessarily suffer by what means persons of this description are secured against ultimate excess and ruin it would be difficult to say with them all is left to chance to bodily constitution and to habit the consequence is that from among their ranks its most sure and most willing victims it is worthy of observation too that at no stage of life are mankind from the of falling under this temptation i remember when a girl hearing a gentleman and he certainly was a gentleman of the old english school a man of enlightened mind too on almost every subject except the most important i remember hearing this man boast that he had been the means of making his neighbor a he used to tell at the same time how this neighbor in early youth an honest upright man retained the morals and the most complete self mastery especially in this respect until the age of thirty when as a married man and the father of a family he fell into the of the never to escape until the hand of death removed him from the commission of sin to the endurance of its consequences it needs however considerable experience of human life and a somewhat lengthened observation of the changes which lake place in individuals and families to be able to trace out the reality of the curse of in its gradual operation upon the hearts and the lives of our fellow creatures in short we must be able to look back to what the was to see	41
from whence he has fallen and by that far off eminence to the extent of his loss and the depth of his degradation the young and those who have little knowledge of the world are not able to do this yet such is the force of habit that we generally find the young more willing than the old or even the middle aged to come forward and join the ranks of those who entirely avoid these drinks it is not to them however that we can look for those strong convictions of the reality of the evil which naturally impress the minds of persons who have been in a manner compelled to trace out the private history of the victim of they can know nothing of the youth of early promise which once dawned upon yon poor outcast from society how fondly cherished by a mother he grew up the pride of all the household how the light of superior intellect adorned his mind while beauty beamed upon his brow and wit and humor woke the ready laugh which ever welcomed him among his friends it is for those only who have been intimately associated with this child of hope really to feel the heart sickening spectacle of his gradual fall his beauty faded his intellect his wit become profane or lo v or in childish not one of all his admiring and friends who would now acknowledge him not one did we say no not one total among his companions of the midnight or the jovial board but though all have forsaken or him in the lone chamber of his mother tears are falling still while prayers are breathing forth the very soul of that fond woman whose i ve is strong as death and strange to say she who suffered most and been most by his degradation is the last the very last to cast him off she who admired him most in his young beauty who laid her hand so proudly on the golden curls which his noble brow she looks upon him with a mother s fondness still and would fold him to her oh how fondly yet she however is no philosopher knows little of the wants of human nature or the discipline required to bring it back from disease and wretchedness to a healthy and honorable state and thus when the prodigal comes back as he does occasionally to share the scanty refused to him elsewhere she places before him the tempting draught in her blind and foolish ignorance it necessary when taken in moderation for the restoration of his wasted strength thus it is easy to perceive that such a mother can exercise no over her son and if not the mother with all her tenderness and affection who then is to be looked to for assistance in the hour of need it is in fact this blind and determination to advocate the use of a moderate quantity which produces nearly all the excess now existing in the world it has been justly said that no one was ever yet into the ranks of by its actual victims after they had obviously become such far more calculated to warn and to is the wretched and disgusting spectacle the to the world and if the choice were now submitted to the young whether he would lose a right hand or a right eye or himself to such a fate most assuredly he would prefer the former so opposed is the last stage of to every thing we esteem as desirable of imitation it is besides so generally considered by the world as being easy to retreat after having once gone too far that the young never how this situation can possibly be his until it has actually become so we are all too much in the habit of looking upon the sins of as belonging only to its extreme stage of degradation but did men sin no more under its influence than they do in this helpless and abject state the evil itself would be lessened by an amazing amount it is not excess to which the himself when he a deed of horror that would his arm for the fatal blow no it is what is considered moderation which to the practice not only of open and daring crime but of all those acts of deception employed to betray the innocent and the to their own destruction it is the moderate draught which fires the passions of the and the malignant in short which gives the moving impulse to that vast machinery of guilt which misery and ruin amongst our fellow creatures which their homes them out from christian fellowship and our whole country in the scale of moral worth it is this moderate portion which invariably makes bad men need we inquire whether it ever yet was known to make good men better a voice from the great and glorious then as the results of the movement have been in those who appeared to be lost to their friends and to society its most operation and that to which we look for the greatest good is its power to arrest the downward progress of the moderate before they shall have lost caste among their fellow men in order to do this it is necessary that there should be some powerful and immediate check against so much as the dangerous draught this check has been tried by a mere promise to a friend for a stated period and has proved sufficient for the time though the opposite cases in which it has failed may be reckoned as a thousand to one for until the principle was made known it never seemed to occur to such friends that their part and a very important one in the work of was to join with the tempted in totally and here let us observe that it is one of the peculiar and	41
striking features of as a vice that its victims the very monster on whose they are offering up their lives nay they even themselves and hate and despise the tyranny whose of cruel they wear in this state the struggles of the wretched victim to escape are sometimes most painful and heart to the confidential friend to whom they are disclosed sometimes prayer is resorted to sometimes penance every device which a founded spirit can suggest except the only sure and effectual one is by turns adopted and and still though torn and by a thousand agonies which the can never know until within the last few years these miserable and isolated beings cried to their fellow for help in vain sometimes by the mercy of god they have been enabled to maintain through life a station of respectability at the cost of a lingering struggle too painful for nature to endure and sometimes at an advanced age as bodily have increased the enemy at last has conquered them how little have such individuals known that the very moderation which they continued to practise as their difficulty was in reality the cause of all their suffering one prompt and decided effort to put away the perilous thing ever would have placed them immediately on the side of safety where temptation would soon have ceased altogether to their peace but instead of such an effort their whole lives have been a continued conflict carried on in weakness and distress one perpetual sacrifice made at the expense of cheerfulness and social feeling one act of painful self denial having every hour to be renewed and consequently never bringing its appropriate reward of gratitude and joy in justice to ourselves then it is bat right that we should adopt a mode of acting at once more safe and infinitely less irksome and destructive to our happiness as an act of duty to god it is highly essential that we should a more entire and less sacrifice while as an act of to our fellow creatures it is not less important that we should show them how practicable it is cheerfully promptly and wholly to while speaking of the extreme pain and difficulty of partial when opposed to inclination a circumstance has been brought to my recollection which affected me powerfully at the time though it to convince me of the and of my own it total was on the occasion of some arriving at my father s house when all the family except myself were absent the customary duties of hospitality consequently upon me and with other as a matter of course i ordered wine to be placed upon the table seated in the same room at that time was one of the greatest from habitual and constitutional it has ever been my lot to know a sufferer both from the force of the temptation and the remorse and loss of character it occasioned him to endure he was a clergyman and an eminent scholar perfectly sane and sober then having bound himself by a promise that he would for a stated period when my guests had refreshed themselves we walked out into the garden leaving this individual as i distinctly recollect seated opposite the table with his eyes fixed intently upon the wine and he told me afterwards that no language could describe the agony he endured while i was pouring out the tempting draught and urging it upon my friends but more especially when he was in the room alone with it before him it is scarcely necessary to add that he himself only too deeply for this so soon as the term of his promised expired the of total are accused of going too far in t he use of altogether but surely such charges can only come from persons ignorant of human nature of the power of association and of the force of the temptations to which that nature is exposed i would appeal to individual experience whether even in a very limited degree of a does not create an inclination for more whether taking a glass of wine one day does not make more necessary the next and whether when such are resorted to as a means of restoring strength they do not require to be continued and even increased for the same purpose if however the strength was really increased by such means the use of it would soon cease to be necessary no one wishing to be strong beyond a certain point instead of which the demand is still kept up for that very end which it thus appears plainly can never be answered by such means another case in point at this moment occurs to me which i am induced to record because i know it to be a fact a lady of my acquaintance and i have it upon her authority whose mind was seriously impressed with the importance of personal struggled on for some time in the manner i have described without being able to make a sufficient for the effectual carrying out of her purpose thus she was often an for a week or a month hoping she might keep up the habit without really to do so while she remained in this state it happened that on those days when she partook with her friends even of the smallest quantity such was the force of habit and such the power of association that she invariably went to her store room immediately after they were gone and poured out for herself a glass of the wine she had just tasted nor was she from the same weakness for two or three days afterwards dr johnson is often quoted as high authority in favor of the safety of when compared with moderation when asked by more at a dinner party one day to take a little wine he replied i cannot take a and there a voice from the fore	41
never take any is as easy to me as would be difficult but the society in its benevolence embraces principles of higher obligation than this said an assembly of ministers of the to a brother whom drink was destroying oh said he how could i endure to be singular to be and scorned in whatever company i might appear said a worthy brother too and keep you in countenance this was a society before the name was known i have spoken of the situation of those who because they have already fallen under temptation and i have endeavored to show how their marked degraded and solitary lot is more than a sensitive and delicate mind can endure but i have omitted to observe in its proper place that there exists an additional reason why their efforts should be so difficult to maintain in the peculiarly morbid and susceptible feelings of those who are con of holding a questionable position among their fellow beings in short of having lost something of their respectability and high standing in the opinion of the world t upon whom the breath of censure has never breathed whose character in its purity and firm has never been assailed are fearless of the consequences of making an eccentric movement in a generous or noble cause any idle or narrow minded suspicion itself to them they are prepared utterly to despise it cannot harm them by its probability and consequently they regard it not but address of the total society in the former case is widely from this and therefore it is far more difficult for the tempted than the man in mixing with society to bear as he must the vulgar and that he because he has not self government enough to prevent his falling into excess again and again has this low minded remark been made to the writer of these pages without producing any other sensation than one of regret that her friends should be so ignorant of the deep and spirit stirring principle upon which the cause depends but had the same remarks been made to some of her acquaintance some whom she would gladly ask the wings of more than earthly love to shield what agony would this ill timed observation have caused to thrill almost equally through her heart and theirs and what an absurdity is this even when most harmless as a method of reasoning to precisely the same thing as if we should say to a friend who had to the support of a blind asylum i am sorry to find by your name being on the list that you are blindness i never knew before that you were afflicted with weak eyes enough then must already be known by those who have paid the least attention to the subject to show that individuals now under temptation are not likely to save themselves and that if any thing effectual remains to be done to save them it must be by the combined and benevolent of the sober part of the community there must in be a decided barrier formed against the first step in the downward career of and that must be by a society of persons stronger than themselves it would be total too much the enlightened thomas to expect one individual to work out the of the nor is it probable that an individual would have courage to stand alone as an amidst the of his companions but if a society were formed of benevolent men for the express purpose and if the victims could be encouraged by the influence of example to break ofl their yoke and burst their bonds then then would have a cheering prospect of enlarged success and then might the master evil of be gradually destroyed such a society has been formed it is the total that such a society opposed as it is to the strong habits and stronger inclinations of mankind has not only been formed but has beyond the most sanguine expectations both in this and other countries we have abundant proof i quote from a record of what has been done in america as well as what has been effected nearer home i quote from the eighth report of the american society where it is stated that at that time in america more than societies had been formed containing it was thought more than members more than had been stopped and than merchants had ceased to sell ardent spirits and many of them had ceased to sell any kind of also upwards of vessels then sailed from american ports in which no were used the next statement i shall is one of a still more cheering nature inasmuch as it touches the hearts of britain by approaching more closely her beloved shores it is contained in the excellent summary of proceedings conveyed by the first address of the national society which i would earnestly recommend to the attention of every reader at the great national banquet which lately took place in lord after giving particulars of the return of reported in the office by which it appeared that since they had diminished one third proceeded to remark that of the heaviest such as upon the person with attempt to murder cutting and there were in i facts like these require no comment the mere from one article of has done more in two or three years to crime than could ever accomplished by all the powers of the activity of police and the horrors of military force but it is i ot in the of crime alone that we see the cheering and happy fruits of the in ireland the returns of the bank prove that has diminished while domestic comfort intelligence and wealth have rapidly increased the in the bank were in july august and september while in the increase is still greater and it is stated that at one of the branches of	41
of co operation in the which among the higher classes of society as well as among religious professors generally and we do this chiefly on the ground of the of rendering the society itself as respectable as it can be made in the opinion of the world were the victims rescued from by the same means and at the same time converted to the religion of christ they would know that to endure the scorn and the persecution of men was a part of the discipline to which as faithful followers of their blessed master they ought to be willing to submit but in the ranks of we have to do with human beings upon whom this wrong knowledge has never and we must consequently our means to the condition of man in such a state we must consider too what is in human what are its tendencies and how they are generally found to operate in order that we may not require of it beyond its power to maintain we must consequently not expect that a number of men whom the vice of has already consigned to the deepest degradation will arise of themselves and unite into a distinct body thus the world who and what they have been yet even if so great a miracle as this should be effected what then would become of that still greater number who have not yet wholly fallen who are still struggling against temptation and whose situation at once us with more of pity and of hope these of all persons would be the last to join such a degraded and society as one composed exclusively of and it is for such as these the tempted the wavering and the and beloved that i would the consideration of those individuals among the enlightened portion of the community who have hitherto stood aloof from the question altogether or who have treated it with contempt but more earnestly still i would the exercise of christian benevolence in this cause on the part of those who preach the glad tidings of peace on earth and good will towards men if your name had not been there said a to his minister i never should have been a member of a society there must be some powerfully reason why individuals who esteem it not only a duty but a privilege to come forward in other good cause should be so backward in this it cannot surely be to submit to a mere personal for were this the case it would show at once that their own personal indulgence was esteemed of more importance than the saving of their fellow creatures from one of the greatest of oh but their health they have tried it and it did not agree with them they had a cough or a fit of or a weakness of the throat during the short time they kind christian friends warm hearted devoted and zealous for the good of the community how often have the most delicate and feeble among you gone forth on errands of mercy in the summer s heat and in the winter s cold gone forth too at times when had a physician consulted he would have pronounced the act a dangerous or at least an injurious one how often has the faithful minister stood up to preach or visited the poor and of his people at the risk of a headache a sore throat or damp feet how of en has the father of a family called together his for evening worship when as a mere matter of personal benefit he would have been better laid upon a couch of rest how often has the tender mother herself from the angry storm penetrated into the chambers of the sick to dispense to them more than the bread of this life do not mock us then with the assertion that you are willing but we are incapable of believing it when we witness daily on your part such noble acts of objections to joining the society of faith and love no you are not willing and the only reason that can be assigned for your is that you are not yet fully persuaded in your own minds that the thing itself is good here then occurs a very important question are you in a state of to be persuaded f are you making it a subject of prayer that if really your duty you may see that it is so are you doing this or are you putting the thought far from you as not worthy to be entertained by one whose office is to instruct and but not to a personal instance of self denial practised entirely upon the strength of that love which sent a into the world and which remains to be the test by which his are known on earth but in addition to the ministers and other direct of religious truth there is a vast proportion of the respectable part of the community who care for none of these things yet whose influence if thrown into the scale of instead of as it does at present on the opposite side would at once afford the most decided and efficient help to those who are now sorely tempted wavering and about to fall if for instance in any of our large towns men of importance and wealth men who take a leading part both in business and society men who and forward great public measures and who at the same time enjoy the of rational and agreeable amusements if such men would in any considerable number give their names and their to the cause they would raise at once a glorious banner of encouragement and of hope under whose protection the tempted and weak of all classes but more especially young men who are most frequently assailed by this and malignant enemy would bind themselves by hundreds and by	41
thousands to it would then be no either to youth or age it would cease to be either singular or disgraceful and he over whom his mother s heart was yearning with whom his father had pleaded in vain would then be able to pass over to the side of safety without any other individual knowing that he had ever been otherwise than safe and how many parents at this very time would give the whole of their worldly possessions to purchase the protection and of such a society for their sons but let me ask them a serious question fathers have yoa come forward and signed your names by way of laying the first stone in this great to preserve your family and your country i mothers i dare not ask of you let shame and confusion cover us that we should have seen all that is more or less in connection with every british home that we should have marked the growing curse upon our own household hearth and yet should so long have refused to deny ourselves the tempting draught which we knew was one of death to those we loved yes i must ask of you kind hearted mothers of why in this instance you are guilty of a cruelty so great would you not strip from your delicate limbs the garment of pride to clothe that beloved one would you not share with him your last morsel of bread even if it left you would you not give him the draught of water brought to cool your burning fever and will you can dare you persist in a system of self indulgence which though a voice the cent to you may both his and eternal happiness i repeat there must be some powerful cause which such individuals do not tell in such cases against their acting a more decided and a more generous part there must be some cause can it be their own love of the indulgence if it is high time it was given up for their safety as well as for that of others indeed it is chiefly in cases like these that we are made to see the entire of the system of total for if the indulgence be easily resigned a very slight consideration of the subject in connection with our duty to others will be sufficient to induce us to give it up while if it be difficult to resign it becomes clear that we are ourselves in danger and our motives for self denial are thus increased a hundred fold so far as i have been able to discover in mixing with society one of the most openly and most frequent objections to joining the ranks of total is that already alluded to a regard for personal health in the mistaken but popular belief that such are necessary for its preservation it is however a curious fact that persons who argue in this manner as regards themselves are invariably such as suffer from some malady either real or imaginary and sometimes from an of which they still persist in asserting that they use for the sole purpose of preventing now if such persons drank wine or beer or spirits or all three and at the same time were in perfect health i confess they would be formidable enemies to the cause but with them it is always my my my want of or my general on account of which this potent medicine is taken but which by their own showing it has hitherto proved wholly insufficient to remove without entering generally upon the question of health a question which has been examined by judges more able than myself and in relation to which many important and interesting facts are now laid before the public tending clearly to prove that instead of suffering from total most persons by it has been fairly tried have experienced not only no injury to their health but considerable benefit i may perhaps be allowed to add a few words on the subject of my own experience which may possibly derive additional weight from the circumstance of my having been for many years of my life an obstinate in the of principles to effect any lasting or extensive good while of all respectable societies that for the promotion of total that which i now esteem it an honor and a privilege to advocate would have been most repulsive to my feelings to join indeed such was my contempt for the system altogether that i often pronounced it to be a mockery of common sense and at the same time frequently asserted my belief that nothing could be more likely than the restraint of a public pledge to create an immediate inclination to break it for two years years i may say of total ignorance on this point during which i took no pains to make myself better informed i treated the subject with the utmost contempt whenever it was brought under my notice by degrees however it began to wear a aspect before the world in general and facts were too objections to joining the society powerful in its favor to be disputed by degrees it began also to assume with me somewhat more of a personal character i could not see how i was right while in in what was so fearfully destructive to others and to some whom i had known and loved yet such was the force of habit such my to believe what doctors told me that wine was necessary to my health at that time far from good and such also was my dependence upon for increasing the strength of which i often felt miserably in want that three years more elapsed before i had the resolution to free myself practically entirely and i now trust for ever from the slavery of this dangerous habit four years of total from every thing of an nature	41
it has now been my happy lot to experience and if the improvement in my health and spirits and the increase of my strength during that time be any proof in favor of the practice i am one of those who ought especially to thank god for the present and take courage for the future like many other women and especially those who are from the necessity of active exertion i was while in the habit of taking wine for my health subject to almost constant suffering from a mysterious kind of sinking which rendered me at times wholly unfit either for mental or bodily effort but which i always found to be removed by a glass of wine my spirits too partook of the malady for i was equally subject to fits of depression which also were relieved in some degree by the same during the four years in which i have now entirely from the use of such i have been a total stranger to these sensations of sinking and ion and i say this with because i consider such infinitely more trying than absolute pain that time of the day at which it is frequently recommended to take a glass of wine and a i now spend as pleasantly as any other portion of the four and twenty hours without either and when fatigued by wholesome exercise which is a totally different thing from the exhaustion above alluded to i want nothing more than rest or food and have not a symptom remaining of what i used to experience when i felt occasionally as if my life was away thus i am fully persuaded in my own mind and by my own experience as it does the testimony of many able and important judges that the very medicine we take in this manner to give us strength does in reality produce an increase of and general perhaps i may be allowed further to add that the four years of i have already passed have been marked by no ordinary degree of and something more than an average share of mental and bodily exertion but whether at home or abroad in health or in sickness in joy or in sorrow i have never really felt the want of the above alluded to and i am now led into this lengthened detail of my own experience purely from the hope that by adding facts to arguments and facts in which i cannot be mistaken i may encourage others to make the same experiment it is true that any little i may still retain even the slightest ache or pain is always attributed by some of my friends to a want of the of wine but still i believe there are few ladies whose health for all purposes of as well as enjoyment would bear any comparison with mine so much then for the constitution of wo a voice from the man in one instance out of the many in which the experiment of total has been tried with success nor has the constitution of man been found less capable of bearing this indeed my personal testimony ought not to pass by that of one who before societies were thought of and in a distant and a different was first led to the of principles purely from regard to the safety of the semi barbarous people over whose habits in a moral point of view his example powerfully he was then convinced that if others who had less power of self restraint than himself could not use this indulgence without excess it was right for him as a minister of religion to give it up altogether on returning to england however he adopted under medical advice the habits of society in this respect until the question was presented to his mind in all its serious importance and it is under a system of total not recommended by his medical that after a lingering and distressing illness he now the blessing of health it is not however on the question of health alone that i am prepared to with the weak of my own sex who may be anxious but afraid to make the experiment for i know that it is the sensitive but often wounded mind of woman which more than her feeble body places her under the power of this temptation i know that it is too frequently her difficult part to live in one world of interest and to act in another i know that in society she is often called upon to be agreeable when the power to be so is wanting and i know too there are passages in human life which to her are like the falling of a deep cold wave upon the heart from which it sweeps away all other thoughts and feelings i know also it sometimes happens that all this has to be concealed beneath a smooth and smiling brow that the thoughts thus scattered have to be called back for practical and immediate use while a manner disengaged a frank and cordial greeting to indifferent friends and a free and cheerful tone given to general conversation are the she is expected to pay to society the duties in which she must not fail i speak not of distinguished individuals theirs is even a heavier tax than this i speak of what we are all subject to in such cases for instance as that of visiting at the house of a friend who has invited a party to meet us it is possible that before the arrival of the party a temporary may have us from entertaining others or a letter with tidings sad to us may have been put into our hands or a thousand things may have happened any one of which may have been sufficient to sink the heart of woman now in this simple and familiar instance i believe we shall all be able to	41
upon individual conduct they are not frequently brought forward in public nor made grounds of objection except in the private intercourse of life to examine these objections in detail however would be to collect together some of the most modes of reasoning and some of the most partial and statements which have ever been laid the world a few only of these i will therefore point not as being worthy of but simply as proofs of the unfair and superficial manner in which the subject is too frequently treated even by persons who hold the welfare of society and the good of their fellow creatures at heart what exclaim the lovers of what is called good cheer and the of the rights of he people would you deny the poor man his beer do penance aa you like yourselves but never attempt to deprive a free born english of the beef and brown ale of his country did the english always manage to get his roast beef along i with his brown ale less would perhaps be said on the subject but unfortunately in too many cases the beef is wholly wanting the of total therefore reply we deny the poor nothing he is a free agent when he takes the pledge and is quite at liberty to withdraw his name whenever he wishes to the practice but we invite him and we do this with the most cordial desire to promote his welfare we invite him to exchange his beer for bread for decent clothing and for a comfortable and respectable home all which he has sacrificed for beer alone we invite him to give up one article of diet and that not an essential one in order that he may purchase a of wholesome food to satisfy the hunger of himself his wife and his children in order that he may provide for his family a home give them the advantages of education and lay up a store for seasons of sickness or of old age again it is said why take up the subject of in particular why be so concerned about that when so many kinds of are needed i am not aware that the of are singularly of the wants of their in other respects and even if they should throw more of their energy and influence into this than any it might surely be permitted them as well as others to the bent of their own minds or o n views of personal duty to choose the field of use r f private objections considered fulness in which to labor in branch of science and philosophy as well as in all arts and men are not quarrelled with or considered more foolish on other points because they give their time and attention chiefly to one of pursuit or investigation and why should if not be the same in that higher philosophy which has the good of mankind in view why should certain individuals not give the energy of their minds and the weight of their influence to the support of schools or any other charitable institution whatever without being accused of absurdity because they do not give an equal share of tion to every other benevolent institution in the world it would indeed require that the mind of man should be supernatural in its and its power to divide his attention equally among all the charitable institutions existing present day without the operation of his benevolence to little more than the mere of a passing thought upon each then there is another very important objection and one which must be treated with more gravity inasmuch as it arises from the fact that the society is joined in by persons of all religious and even by those of no religion at all and if ihey meet together in this society for the purpose of being less less and less vicious why not if a mighty river should its banks and threaten to tha land should we refuse to lend a helping hand to an for purpose of keeping back the waters because here and there m man without or whose religion rom our own was engaged ib the work t most assuredly we should not and if not in a case of physical calamity how much less ought we to on the same grounds in that destructive tide of moral evil which has long been deadly war against our domestic social and national prosperity more especially since it seems impossible that our religious sentiments should in the slightest degree be by ourselves with whoever might choose to join us simply to the advance of and there is however an objection raised by some against this very pledge which is a vow in consequence of which those who sign it are supposed to be under a sort of bondage in itself neither agreeable nor altogether right but i must here quote again on the subject from the societies address as conveying the sentiments of many rather than of one it is here observed that such do not scruple to sign an agreement for their own pecuniary advantage in the shape of a lease a deed or a bill d c why then should they object to sign an agreement for their own moral or physical advantage or from the higher motive of others there are no doubt many individuals who could without any agreement and who may therefore apart from any scruple consider it of no importance let such remember however that they not so much for their own as for the sake of others and that the of a pledge has proved of infinite importance to the poor and been the blessed means of thousands whose every previous to reform without had failed why then should tl ey object to encourage by their example that which can do them no harm but which has been and may still be of i	41
now she most intently for the language is all such as home to her experience and is level with her understanding the speaker must have known her case he tells of hope but that never be hers if he were here perhaps and then a deep deep sigh bursts from her lips but she still more intently to the speaker s moving word until her heart becomes too full and she looks round to see if any among her neighbors for of friends she has none are the e to profit by those words of touching truth the woman whom has she seen among the crowd her k is flushed with burning crimson and her eyes are bright with living it is it be him she cannot m mistaken in her husband s form still beautiful ta her far back ng the c x he stands with folded arms his gaze intent upon the speaker s face no smile of thoughtless folly across his brow but a deep earnestness is stamped i a voice from the on every feature as he on but what is that which moves him now a simple tale of woman s truth the wife him dash the tear drop from his eye a is in her own but she forgets it all nothing is present with her but that other that life in which alone she lives alas it is all over the speaker ceases and the company breaks up the wife waits anxiously the mo ment when her husband shall withdraw thinking to join him at the door yet fearing to intrude too hastily upon his softened feelings she stands patiently resigned w th folded arms upon her breast pushed here and there by the receding crowd no one of whom takes note of her or hers still there is something to be done beside the platform where the speaker stands and numbers gather to the spot a book is a pen is a kind and friendly voice the company to sign make way the figure of a man advances from behind make way for wonder glances forth from every eye behind that figure is a female a shadow a pale faded thing so feeble that she stand but upon his shoulder with one clasping arm there i have signed exclaimed the man and now my wife come home and let us pray to night stop but one moment what a hand is hers s thin so trembling yet she that pen as if it were a rod of iron to deep words of mercy in the forever they pass away together that and pair in each other s truth rich in each other s love weeks glide away or perhaps a year and they are seen together now so happy with their rosy children standing at their cottage door their blazing fire and clean swept hearth and s table spread within such are the scenes which cheer on every hand the in the cause and if this passing sketch convey a slight idea of the interest excited by each scenes what must be that entering into the details of family and individual history where all things and eternal are at stake and all hang as it were upon the of a name nor is the situation of the s wife sad though it be the only one which claims our sympathy on these occasions the little hungry and neglected of an mother will sometimes come alone to sign the old man with gray hairs whose have all gone down before him with this cane upon them to graves and if nothing else us in such cases one would suppose it might be enough to touch heart of mould to think only of the and of those who thus come forward to make a voluntary surrender of what has to them their only means of bodily enjoyment we can go home to our abundance to the hearth the social board and to all those delicate and varied for gratifying appetite which custom has or ingenuity devised we have all these but the poor have nothing more especially the poor and therefore when they have signed the pledge they have made what to them was the greatest possible sacrifice which duty could require because in proportion as they bad given themselves up to the destructive habit of existing upon alone their homes had become stripped f every other source of comfort or indulgence and that which was in reality their ruin had in all probability come to be private objections considered applied to in order to make them forget that they had nothing else what an then is this what a sacrifice for a poor ignorant man or woman to make land what a privilege to be enabled to assist them by making the sacrifice ourselves in kind though by no means in degree indeed there is something in looking upon an assembly of persons of this description in marking the tearful eyes and faded cheeks of those who are struggling against temptation either to themselves or others as against a mighty foe there is something in visiting destitute and and giving them word of encouragement our own experience in favor of tbe nt at least there is something in passing the senseless home and thinking that we have ceased to be one of the number who help on his way to there is something in these and feelings so far beyond the common interests which the mere of polished society that if any one should ask me what they could have recourse to as a means of excitement to supply the want of wine j should recommend them to try the excitement of joining heart and hand in the promotion of the cause persons deeply impressed y the importance of these subjects of profound interest which are necessarily involved in the question	41
are not likely to have their attention from the main points of discussion by any little of style or which occur in the public of the cause it is possible they may think less than some others do of the particular manner in which that is maintained if may naturally be supposed to constitute rather an important objection with the refined and fastidious when not impressed that many on the question are and some of them men it is however a hard i had almost said a cruel case when respectable l nd enlightened individuals stand aloof from the cause for this reason because if they and their associates of the same class would come forward in its support there n longer be any need to trust the management of matters so much to the hands of ignorant or men the of which they complain would then be done away with the evils would be the themselves teaching us a more excellent way of the people at large it seems strange however that the charge of absurdity should so often be brought forward against the temperate class in my own ignorance i should have supposed that attached to the opposite party and that we gave our countenance to absurdity by join ig in the habit of drinking wine than in ourselves with those who such things altogether i should have thought too in the same ignorance that had we sought the world over for instances of absurdity those which result from could not have been exceeded in any of its stages from the first of excitement to the last of the at a country fair to the gentleman who leaves his wine at a late hour to make himself agreeable in the drawing room to the ladies i should have thought that to partake even in a slight degree that which produced this absurdity in others had been something an approach to absurdity in ourselves ev a voice from the th world unquestionably a wise world and these are enlightened and the opinions of individuals must bow before of the many again respectable persons and especially those who have much depending upon the and operations of and work people are very food of laying that total is a good thing for the poor ai d as such they often give it the advantage of their countenance to a certain ven this acknowledgment is good so lar as it goes and even this countenance is of use for the poor are not so much accustomed to look to the rich for sympathy and as to depend upon them their support and in the especially they have learned u new lesson of reliance upon it would not seem veiy wonderful however it ihe poor under should sometimes retort upon us and say if you who enjoy all the luxuries of life and have no need to labor cannot live without your wine how can you expect a hard working man who has nothing else to live without his beer v and this has been said many times and would unquestionably be repeated h oftener than it is did not some noble instances themselves to our view of wealthy and influential persons who have come forward practically and heartily to join in the cause on the same footing as the poor or at least so far as circumstances would allow their situation to be the same nor am i aware that they have lost any thing of their importance or their good influence in other respects from such n what they have gained in peace of mind and happiness can never be fully or appreciated by those who have only gone along with them to the extent of total as an thing for the poor but there is another objection which i speak of last not it is least important quite the contrary lor i believe it to be beyond all comparison more influential than any other or than all others put together in its practical influence upon individual conduct it may safely be said rule in its power to both men or women of all classes tbe old ike the rich and the poor the good and the evil from their names to the pledge indeed this single ground of objection is of such overwhelming that vast numbers who have the self denial and who are now most scrupulous would shrink the bare idea of connecting themselves with a society the is they consider it and in that one word we read the sad and doom of all those poor tempted ones who would willingly sign the pledge if any considerable number of the ladies or gentlemen of their acquaintance had done so in hearing this objection brought forward which we do almost every day and in its secret influence which we do still more frequently i hav wondered as in the case of absurdity what could be more than the drinking of our country it is true that in these at least in their excess the delicate and respectable part of the community do not immediately join but the miserable and degrading themselves are evident to us almost at every step in walking the streets of our large towns while often in the s even f private objections considered ing s those village sounds which poetry has ever loved t describe are broken into discord by the mingling of insane laughter and anger even more insane now one would certainly have thought in the first view of the case that a delicate minded christian lady for instance would scarcely even on the ground of vulgarity have chosen to herself with the same kind of which she knew to have produced these rude and these sounds but truly tha science of refinement is a mysterious and profound one and it needs the of h lifetime to teach a common mind how total from every thing which can	41
er of religion the inner man we have nothing to do with that his preaching was approved his advice was his society was sought and those who might otherwise have held his profession in contempt could not but confess he seemed to be happy and if to enjoy life was a proof that its duties were rightly understood they were compelled to acknowledge that mr was one of the best of men and there grew around the minister s hearth a yoimg and lovely family all of the same character and principles though with certain shades of which seems sometimes to puzzle the f ood man and his wife as to whether they were of good or evil the mother however generally settled it in her own mind that if not absolutely good then they might and would become so and thus she often took the charge of little upon herself concealing from her husband out of her very love of peace and comfort their and extent her daughter the oldest in the family had seldom been guilty of any of these startling indications of peculiarity of character she was in ail respects a child after her father s heart serious orderly and apt to learn yet somehow or other the love of the mother did not glow toward this child despite the approval she always claimed as it did to some of the others who were far less worthy of and the oldest too though content in childhood to walk in the sober steps of his sister was of a disposition to awaken less intense interest than his younger brother who brought into the world with him a sickly constitution and a tendency of mind beyond the mother s skill to control or to direct but the darling of the family was little rose the youngest she was so beautiful so happy so like a she s glancing here and there with her light step and merry and quick blue eye and golden curls and mouth whose rosy smile might have won the treasure from a s in order to understand the habits of the household you should have come home with mr his afternoon s walk and ha e seen his daughter place before him the slippers of her own while james sat down to talk with his ther about the grave business of the day and arthur closed his book and listened so that nothing seemed left for the mother to do but to keep rose quiet and persuade her not to jump upon her father s knee before he was well seated in his chair we have spoken of mr s afternoon walk and that he was an active and healthy man his dear brow and fine complexion sufficiently though he did indulge a after dinner in a soothing nap when his wife having sent out rose to play would steal on to his side and place her gently over his head that no breath of air might visit his cheek too roughly and then while the boys mused over their tasks for the coming day she and her eldest daughter would sit down to their so mute and meek that it seemed to be their highest privilege to let the beloved one sleep on every hour of mr s life however was spent in what he believed to be duties for even when he slept he deemed that wearied nature needed such repose nor were his evenings seasons of idleness or even for after an hour spent in his study he was in the habit of another to the examination of his children in their scripture lessons in these exercises the older ones took a deep and lively interest but alas for poor rose even so r as her young attention was required her answers were about as wide of the mark as would have been had she replied to a question in that the flower she had planted was the fairest in the whole garden s mr used to frown upon his child when she gave these random answers used to r her more sharply the boys used to smile their natural tendency to look grave and the mother used to whisper in her ear what she ought to have said and all th while the little wicked one used to seem as if she had quite as much pleasure in being wrong as right the of the day being ended by the accustomed services of family devotion and mr and mrs preferring to share every indulgence with their children the supper tray simply furnished used to be brought in while mr who lived upon a peculiar system of diet under the direction of an eminent physician took only and brandy and water his daughter used to place on the table beside him while the boys ate their bread and cheese little rose whose presence at supper was allowed to be by only and not by right partook of whatever might be upon her mother s plate and by way of the indulgence the last portion in her father s glass well was always handed to her while she laughed and clapped her hands and exhibited every demonstration of delight because it was only when she had been especially good or as an act of favor on the part of her father that this indulgence was panted her thus in her ideas and in those of her sister and her brothers the privilege of of the evening glass of and comfort was associated with thoughts of domestic ent of parental tion and of family devotion was it a singular or uncommon case among the many respectable neighbors who exchanged occasional visits with the none were on more intimate terms than the widow and her children though well known to the minister as members of his congregation it was not until the sudden death of mr that tee s bond of union had	41
been entered into most probably in the desolate situation of the widow the responsible charge which upon her in the care of her two children and the need she often experienced of friendly counsel and christian sympathy you don t know where we are said mrs to her son one summer s morning or i am sure you would not look so unwilling to accompany us looked up with an expression of he was a beautiful boy such as any mother well haye been excused had she felt proud to call her own and there is little doubt but mrs had her full share of these feelings for though a serious and well meaning woman much changed since her husband s death and as she the world and its she was still under strong temptation to yield herself to world and a different order of in with it if mrs was proud of her son if she was ambitious with regard to his prospects in life she soothed her conscience by a from these feelings in relation to her daughter a quiet retiring little girl about two years younger m girl whom nobody noticed or recollected to haye seen and whom her mother appeared at times to forget what could be the reason why nobody attached to she was not plain looking she was nor out of her place she had a sweet and she was very kind yet nobody her and the remark it was only sufficiently the degree of general esteem in which she was held on the bright summer s morning we haye spoken of when was so reluctant to accompany his mother was ready as usual and stood patiently waiting the result of the variety of means which mrs usually employed to produce an impression upon her son s tou don t know said mrs with a oc which indicated her being in a capacity to out a bribe perhaps you don t know that we are e to mr s that s one reason why i don t wish to go replied for he always questions me in my greek but i want to talk to him myself to day observed the mother and while we are en ed you and arthur and little rose can play m the at the name of rose the countenance of tor she was not only a favorite in her own family but in many others and all the way that he walked with his mother that morning he was making up a for his little friend though he took the precaution to make his sister run and him all the flowers it was a distance of about a mile from the farm house where mrs lived to the town at the outskirts of stood the residence of the one of those neat little compact looking houses which are approached through a narrow plot of garden ground with a weeping willow on one side and a on the other while through a kitchen window a little raised above the level of the the servant maids peep up to see who it is that rings the bell or at the handsome front door was accustomed to enter this house with a feeling of respect to the superiority of its general aspect to her own home though in what this superiority consisted it would have been to say unless it were in a of modem furniture m handsome stair carpets and in a certain of look which her young fancy imagined must be a look of greater some persons and those of no mean taste would greatly have preferred the at for there in rich woods rose the ancient s fault u a long low roof oyer one part of which of ivy while and roses from up until they reached the windows of the highest story and when looked out in the early morning she could reach with her slender arm the delicate rose and gather them in while yet the dew was upon it is the was deficient in many of the of polished life it had no carpet on its old oak stairs and the dark of the wide low rooms them somewhat of a sombre character not altogether at with the natural mind of who was a little too ant to dream away the twilight hour while seated with folded hands in silence on a little stool at her mother s feet from these she was however accustomed to be rather sharply roused and often in no very gentle accents for that idleness which mrs always complained of as her daughter s sin the truth was she liked an active character and the restless vivacity of suited her far better than the quiet and thoughtful habits of her daughter the reward for which with his mother when he consented to go with her was that she should ask for rose to come back and spend the day with them and as mrs was expecting who would claim much of her attention she readily consented while the little favorite excited beyond all bounds at the prospect of so much enjoyment would scarcely allow herself time to be dressed for the occasion with the same bounding and excessive joy she flew over the fields a hand on each side held by and until her little feet were absolutely so weary that she declared she could not stand and then was asked to carry her the rest of the way for though first lifted her from the ground and bore her a few yards in his arms he did not like it quite so well as he thought he should and therefore the pleasure was the more willingly resigned to thb s poor it was a sad to see her flushed face and straining limbs as e struggled under a burden as heavy as herself sometimes resting for a few moments on a bank and then trying to	41
her purpose more than the argument and win for her many a disputed point in which a wiser woman destitute of the power and the of beauty would have failed it was thus that rose though often sorely by her strict and harsh judging sister though severely by her father and only to her mother s b pressed with uniform and delight was still capable of a kind of mastery over those natures whose sincere approval she seldom strove to win however she had been throughout th day rose knew well that the evening hour brought with it a feeling a tenderness a gathering home as it were of the harvest of out of whose fulness she trusted to partake and therefore when their were closed and the good man of the house had of his evening glass when the kind glance was in his eye the smile upon his lip and the glow at his heart then were the gentle arms of the beautiful rose around her father s neck her golden locks upon his cheek his shoulder his breast and her blue eyes looking up into his face with an expression that was ready on the slightest of his to burst forth into a merry h while she claimed his kiss along with me last and sweetest of his evening draught it was a strange intimacy that which knit together in a girlish ip two such different natures as thb s those of the we hare just described and the widow s neglected child yet of all those whose severity was softened or whose dignity was made to yield by the influence of rose was the most to her wishes where conscience was not concerned and perhaps in reality the most attached to her person it was therefore a double pleasure to to go over to mr s to learn her lessons and to spend the day with her little friend and often when the hours of school discipline were over they used to wander in the fields together gathering wild flowers or or moss of which however was invariably both the and the bearer though her share in the possession of such treasures was always very doubtful and often very small in this manner the autumn the winter and the spring passed away and when bright summer came again and the cheerful returned the rents of both families looked forward with no ordinary degree of expectation to their circles being once more for a complete the first of the ck youths to meet the welcome of his home was arthur and instead of one year having passed it seemed as if five at least had rolled over him since he last trod upon the threshold at his father s door you are so altered exclaimed rose regardless of the delicacy of a first interview so altered i am quite afraid of you i must be altered indeed said arthur laughing if my appearance produces that effect upon you but where is my and he rested not nor amused by the way until he had paid the most dutiful and respect to his parents and received from them that welcome for which his heart had long been yearning next to his sisters the servants the household claimed his attention and then every plant that grew in his father s den and animal which shared in his as if he could not fully assure himself of the reality of his enjoyment until each well known and object had been seen and recognised again such is the returning home of youth such the glow of the fresh warm heart toward childhood s associations when it counts over again the many in that treasury of early love compared with which he wealth of after years is poor still arthur was changed so changed that but for these involuntary s of affection he might have been to have assumed another nature than his own he was taller paler more delicate and his deep dark eyes were even more flashing than they had ever looked before but that was not the kind of change which his sisters vainly endeavored to describe to each other when they retired to own that night the truth was the young student whose mind had been locked in secret communion with the of past ages had now been brought into living and breathing fellowship with spirits ardent as his own whose race was toward the same goal and whose career was at once as laborious and as rich in promise as his own even more than this had been his experience his hidden soul had found a voice a strange wild eloquence almost as startling to himself as to his and his had accompanied his first efforts at communicating his thoughts to others some had and some had wondered at the unusual display of forcible ideas poured forth as it were in a torrent without method and beyond all mastery of rule but not a few had from the young speaker s first commencement a brilliant and extraordinary career such then was the change which a single year had wrought in the character of arthur he had discovered that he had talent and what that talent was that he was no longer a mute tbe s of the sentiments and opinions of others but that he too could command his listeners and their attention and awaken their sympathies making them go along with him into the heights and the depths of his own feelings through the exalted of philosophy and science and further and as far and as high as the mind of man can ever penetrate up to that fountain of all wisdom before which the angels veil their faces as if unable to look or to comprehend the excellence of that glory it was happy for the young student that his mind could be thus	41
with a consciousness of its own power without the sacrifice of his simplicity and that he could live in a region c intellectual enjoyment without pacing that bitter penalty of ceasing to find enjoyment in common things it is true he was often absent when a more ordinary man would have been attentive it is true he often appeared lost nay even stupid to the common observer but the perfect good humor with which he bore the which such evident wandering of thought brought upon him more than his conduct from the offence it might otherwise have given thus though the conscious possessor of a power which perhaps more than all others a feeling and a knowledge of influence over others the wonder working power of eloquence arthur was capable of entering with pleasure into all the simple and common place of his home and even when he played with his sister rose her girlish folly and the utter absence of reasoning and calculation which her general conversation betrayed neither called forth one angry reproof nor awakened even an expression of contempt indeed there was too much of tenderness and too much of love with his nature to permit him to be harsh or impatient with any one a strong deep indignation he was capable of feeling against the oppression of the innocent or the s the of the helpless but this a thrilling energy to his eloquence and a fire almost like to his eye without awakening thoughts of or revenge against the such then was arthur after his first absence from home and with such feelings ex to no common degree of interest he awaited the arrival of his friend who also was to come about the same time to spend a few days in the country at six o clock on a fine summer s evening the london coach with four handsome horses drove up at a brisk pace to the door of the principal inn in he town of when a smart young gentleman with a cigar in his mouth stepped off the coach and for mr the master of the has no one been here to inquire for me v asked uie youth hi a very tone your name sir if you please v inquired the landlord mr no sir ah said the landlady i thought i knew his voice why bless me master you re grown there s no knowing you grown nonsense send me a porter immediately and get me a glass of brandy and water for i m choked with dust a silent spectator of this scene was arthur who now drew nearer and smiling held out his hand to his friend ah my good fellow exclaimed who should have thought of seeing you here when suddenly the cordial expression of his face gave to one of impatience and anger as he called again for a porter and repeated his astonishment that no one had been sent to meet him can i assist you in any way asked arthur i i s have nothing to do and should like a walk across the fields to the farm i can carry this for you quite well and so saying he stooped to take up a which was lying at their feet if you carry that said i must decline the honor of being your companion it is beyond reason that none of the servants should have been sent to meet me it would serve my right to put her to the expense of a not on fine an evening surely observed arthur fine evening or not said people ought to be attended to by the way have you got sixpence in your pocket i don t happen to have change and the coachman won t leave my elbow until i hand out something and the brandy asked arthur shall i pay for that oh no they know me these people know me said with a nod of the head as he returned the empty glass to the waiter and then throwing off the cape which had kept him from the dust he prepared to walk over the fields to his mother s house arthur would have found it difficult to say exactly how it was that his intention of accompanying his friend home had all melted away during the lapse of the last five minutes yet so it was and after wishing him a good evening and a pleasant walk he turned away in silence to his father s house long before had reached the last field his paternal home his sister had been seated on a across the foot path by which she expected he would come and no sooner was his figure in the distance than she ran forward as she was nor stopped to breath or strength until her arms were around her brother s neck he was at that moment however too much engaged with his cigar for her greeting to be welcome and his the r s s first was to shake from him the caress in which would have been the last per ton to persist such a indeed she was too much accustomed to for it to awaken angry or thoughts what it cost her in the present instance d only be from the rushing of deep crimson to her usually and the dropping of her hands as if reminded that it was her peculiar destiny to have no human stay to hold by in the wide world it was not easy to keep up any cheerful conversation after such a meeting and the brother and sister walked silently together until half in play and half m anger snatched the comb out of his sister s hair and threw it on the ground asking her why she wore such an affair as that mrs received her son at the garden gate and his behavior to her was kinder and more respectful	41
in childhood the whole of our little world of interest and intelligence was cheerful active bustling and gay when mixing in the ways of men but he was not yet so as to forget that he once had a father and that he had a mother and a sister still with his own being these ideas were intimately bound up and as thought carried him onward from one link of association to another there were moments even in his existence when his mind was brought very near to that verge of earthly things at which the things of eternity must of necessity force themselves into view the moonlight night on which paced alone along some of the familiar scenes of his childhood was one peculiarly adapted to the of serious and solemn thoughts and he who would have laughed at his own had a friend surprised him in the act stood still with folded arms for a long time gazing up at the moon and then turning on the other hand to contemplate the old ivy roof of his paternal home which looked in the stillness of that summer s night like a perfect picture of comfort and repose and yet i not live here said think the s aloud there must be something wrong either in it or me that m the very spot where my father spent his life and where so many a poor fellow would be happy to find his home i could not exist perhaps there is something wrong said he again after walking on a few paces perhaps there ia something wrong in the life i am leading and yet my father even in this quiet spot was no better than his son it is not then the place we live in which makes the difference but the habits we adopt suppose now i were to lay down some strict rule lor myself i wonder whether i could abide by it i have a great mind to try or at least to master myself in one thing i had not an idea and if any one else had told me i would not have believed that such had been my father s death it is too horrible to think of if now i were to bring myself to make a great determination clasped his hands together and looked up to the clear sky had but the simplest prayer which passed forth from a sincere and trusting heart at that moment stirred his lips had it even existed as a thought it is possible it might have fixed his determination and decided him for life but no such holy impulse quickened the rising effort of his soul and it sunk again to take into its low and calculations the ways and thoughts of the companions to whose society he was about to return through the whole of the next day while preparations tor his departure were on was serious if not sad and his mother was well pleased to observe the impression she believed to have been made upon her son by the conversation of the previous afternoon that evening and night were to be spent at mr s in order to enable him to take the earliest conveyance in the morning for town it was congenial to his graver feelings too to enjoy this with a family whom he not but respect immediately before his separation from them for so long a time tt s and he therefore took his seat among the with an air of cordiality which made their kind hearts warm toward him in an instant as if there had been no on his part or cause for suspicion on theirs rose was as usual the chief object of attraction to him as she about the room with her light step and playful laugh while her good softened down by the maternal tenderness of her mother tended to make him feel as if admitted on an equal footing to the kindred fellowship of their fireside circle if e religion said to himself as he looked from one to another during the course of the evening i should scarcely being myself for surely these people must be as these thoughts crossed his mind the bell of mr s study sounded and a servant came to say that her master would like to speak with mr so the have to come yet thought he after all these sweets i might have been sure it would be so mr was seated in a large chair with the bible open before him and with the air of the minister and the the and the com the friend and the father equally blended in his look and manner he smiled with great benevolence as the young man entered and instead of be with a stern voice to with him for certain well known in his moral conduct he evinced by his questions delicately put so deep an interest in his worldly affairs and personal that was soon drawn out into a freedom of communication which a few days ago he would have thought the last thing likely to result from a private interview with the minister in his study mr beside many other advantages of tbe s person and manner possessed a voice eh at once seemed to find its way to the heart and though was not peculiarly with those qualities which may be said especially to belong to that portion of human nature there were kind tones and cordial expressions which even he in his better moments was unable to resist mr too of his father and ventured to ask him if he knew him i did replied the minister has your mother told you anything particular connected with his death she has replied the young man in a broken voice for he felt the shame as well as the grief of the story i believe said mr there	41
are habits of body to which indulge of this kind is more congenial than it is to others and for persons of such natural constitution it becomes peculiarly that they should be always on their guard against excess the interrupted is to know exactly where excess begins i have been thinking this very day that i would master myself in this one point by leaving off everything of the kind now and for ever the mere enthusiasm of youth observed mr youth that always must be rushing into extremes take my dear boy a more temperate course and you will be likely to be more sure besides these good things of life were us for our use not for our abuse and by in time we show a better sense of duty and in reality set a better example to others than by them altogether but i want to know which is the right time said rather impatiently i want a rule a test that will serve me on all occasions can yon give me that your own good sense your tbe s fault nay that will never do for my good sense be to leave me before i am half comfortable and feel it like the courage of acres out as it were at the ends of my fingers at the very time when i want it most speak seriously my dear boy speak more or i can not go along with you it is a subject which does not admit of for has it not been the cause of more ruin and more wretchedness than almost any other that is the very reason why i wish to treat it seriously why i wish to hold no with an enemy who has either slain by force or subdued by so many more men than but to quit the field in which he his for ever i tell you again it is the and of youth which prompt you to this extravagance nay my good sir you must not call it for have been reckoning up how much it would save my poor mother and even that view of the subject makes it almost worth my while for she knows and i know too that i have cost her enough already i am not however particularly wedded to the system of and since you do not approve of it i have no objection to give you my promise that i won t adopt it yet with these words the theme was changed for it was not a favorite one with mr and he had in his office of as in that of friend to a youth about to commit himself to the world many subjects which he regarded as of deeper import to urge upon him their conversation was long and it appeared to have been satisfactory to both for when they joined the family at their evening it was with a cheerfulness of look and cordiality of manner which encouraged every one to hope that the young the s man had been made better as well as wiser by the ordeal through which he had passed after a solemn prayer which earnestly commended the man to that care which can alone preserve from every temptation the family sat down to their evening meal the plentiful supper table of the time mr had as usual his and that potent medicine without which he believed the functions of his body could not be kept in healthy exercise look here said he lifting up the glass which bis daughter had supplied this is my measure and when i exceed i know that i do wrong sir exclaimed you have your faithful to supply you with just that portion and no more but suppose you had two or three wild fellows such as i associate with always at elbow you would not find it quite so easy to keep to your mark but i take it only once a day and here again is my security i take it only once a day except when the state of my powers requires it and suppose your powers grew worse and required it oftener and oftener i should think it was doing me harm instead of good suppose then your doctor still recommended it i should still take it thinking he understood the case better than i did what to any excess no certainly i should stop at the limits of and how would you find power to stop provided there was in nature a sort of constitutional craving for such things a disposition to drown your cares and your and lull your pains to rest oh sir you do not understand the case at all but as i said before i am not come oyer to the system yet so i will help myself if you please to a little of your excellent for i have been far from well all the day and i don t like this at five in the the expression of mr s countenance when this appeal was made to him and for some moments afterward might have puzzled the he could not for reasons of his own showing refuse the request if such it might be and while the young man with the most perfect coolness helped himself as he had proposed an awkward silence stole over the whole company which was the first to break by declaring that he had never tasted better brandy in his life an excellent i have no doubt sir he exclaimed and i am sure you have my best wishes in the use of it there are few things more uncomfortable than to be convicted of and mr felt this deeply so deeply that he was quite unable to enjoy his cordial draught that night and when rose took her farewell kiss after being told more than once it was past her hour	41
for retiring she saw that twice the usual quantity remained in her father s glass though he did not on this occasion lift it to her lips and she would have been put to deep shame if he had altogether that evening which had so pleasantly became most unsatisfactory its close for in proportion as the guest grew bold and every one else grew more grave and si lent until at last he was recommended to take the advantage of early rest in consideration of the next day s journey altogether that evening was most because where there exists a conviction of having evil in others it is in reality as painful as that of having done evil ourselves the minister s family had received their young friend among them with more of pity than of blame and they had treated him with their ha the s kindness in the hope that the earnest which they knew would be mingled with the minister s parting charge would be of lasting benefit to the in his future course the idea of sin had never for a single moment either m the minds of the young or the old attached itself to mr s familiar habits but when the widow s son the the suspected one did the very same act even under the same plea they seemed to experience a sort of shrinking as if the act itself was wrong though it would have been difficult to say in what point it differed so materially from that of the good minister himself all felt this and therefore every voice was silent how was it possible to in one case without censure in the other it may be his last visit said arthur when he retired to his own room that night it may be the last opportunity we shall ever have of encouraging him in what is good or checking him in what is evil we knew his temptation we were warned of his weakness what have we done to the influence of habits already formed to strengthen him for his future course or to preserve him from the dangers he has yet to meet we who set up so high a standard for ourselves we who preach to others what have we done for him arthur fell into a deep after he had uttered these words and strange thoughts presented themselves for the first time to his that perhaps there was required of the ministers of religion a degree of self denial and personal discipline for the sake of others which their own spiritual safety might not seem to require but the thought was transient for how he asked himself could any man be more useful or more in that office than his father or who could set a better example to others by using the good things of this life with more gratitude and tion the s chapter ii more than a year had elapsed from the time already described when arthur having engagements which detained him some days in london called at the office of messrs co to inquire for mr a handsome youth of about eighteen came forward to answer his inquiry stating that mr was just then absent but if the stranger would leave his address he had the pleasure of being intimately acquainted with mr and would not fail to deliver any message that might be left for him there was a clear fresh look about the youth and a frank expression in his countenance which could not fail to attract the regard and win the confidence of one so in the world as and the two strangers appeared reluctant to conclude the of mere common place which occupied them in their first and necessarily short interview london is so full of anxious tired looking eyes that seem as if they saw not of brows that evidently ache of cheeks over which the fresh wind never blows and of lips grown strange to the language of the heart that to meet with genuine nature in its close and crowded haunts is a real refreshment to the soul arthur was peculiarly calculated to understand and appreciate the character of his new acquaintance henry for though absent and often dull in what is called society there were of sympathy in his nature which when touched were capable of producing th thb s and intense enjoyment thus though habitually reserved there were moments when inmost heart was laid bare before the friends he trusted while all the secret treasures of his deep thoughts and hidden feelings derived additional from the fact of their so rarely displayed you are a very odd kind of person said to arthur the next day when he upon him the person i ever saw in my life not to want to go to the opera or the theatre ot any place worth seeing but you will think again perhaps and i shall be always at your service in the mean time i dine with the to day and here i take it is an invitation for you so saying he handed over a note from young inviting him in the most frank and cordial manner to join mutual friend in spending the remainder of day at his father s cottage a few miles out of london you must tell me said arthur what kind of people they are and of whom their family consists before i can possibly decide for as i have but little time to spare i should not like to be drawn in for a whole day of worse than weariness is it not enough said laughing that they are my and to have found real friends in this great city is no matter but if you wish for a more particular description you shall have it for in some respects they are as odd as in what in	41
having no taste for public amusements no not exactly that for they have taste enough for everything but wine but wine what can you mean i mean that if you dine with them you must not expect to see wine upon the table i understand you they are mean or whatever else you please to call it by no means i never knew a more liberal family i is the in my life and yet they neither drink wine them selves nor offer it to their guests i suppose then they keep to the national of merry old england in her ale drinking days and give you the best table beer v i wish they did but the worst of it is one must be content with pure water or not sit down at their table their then have been nothing of the kind mr spent his youth in india and i believe brought home with him a fortune which he appears both to enjoy self and to be willing to share with others vou excite my curiosity more and more and i will raise it still higher by telling you the chief secret of my intimacy with them the oldest daughter is the finest girl in england and if mistake not she is not insensible to me attentions of your humble servant and hers you will meet me then at four as has appointed and we will go out together i will said arthur in a sort of musing dream into which he had suddenly fallen and instead of hastening to a distant part of the city on business of considerable importance he found himself after the of an hour exactly in the same place and the same position in which his friend had left him that friend m his own person afforded no very pleasing subject of reflection to one who was accustomed to look beyond the surface of things and who saw in every human being either what was or what might have been a gradual preparation for another and a more glorious state of existence with these views the heart of the young was chilled whenever he contemplated the countenance of his appearance manners and address were arthur often wished his own were as good but when he talked with him on subjects of deep interest especially on those in thb s which feeling constituted a prominent part there was a cold look in the eye of which showed but too plainly how little he understood the companion with whom he conversed arthur had often felt this instinctive when in the company of bnt never so forcibly as on his present visit to london indeed so different were their objects of pursuit and the subjects of interest which occupied their minds that though bom within a mile of each other of nearly die same age and having shared their childhood there were few topics on which they could i except in the most superficial manner nor had time which so many differences and when it in the society of towns wears down the peculiarities of character to a certain degree of and of aspect done anything toward the two young men to a nearer acquaintance with sack other each in fact had advanced further on his own distinct and separate course and the distance between them was daily and increasing they would have felt this more had they attempted such a thing as a stroll together over the pleasant pastures and through the woods of but the hurry and whirl of the streets of london left them little opportunity for making observations upon character and feeling to arthur this state of for reflection was peculiarly distressing and he more than once excited the laughter of his companion by asking how it was possible fa think in london we do not think said we act man is a animal in the country he goes there to and to feel and to take note of his own sensations he comes into the busy world to execute his own schemes to act out great principles and to fight in that glorious field where the of honor is to the mastery of mind the crowds we meet observed arthur look the s like anything but men to glory of any kind or even capable of understanding what great are i should rather say they were so many machines set in motion by others and performing their regular routine of daily labor without calculation thought or feeling to a certain extent you are replied the greater proportion of these men arc machines by which the others work and it is this which chiefly the glory of which i speak that where multitudes together masses of common mind if i may use the expression can be brought into by mental of a su grade and having been put in order can be kept in operation by the principle of self interest extending through different channels i like not this moral slavery said arthur degradation of the many to the few give me a state of existence in which each man however humble his outward circumstances feels and within himself those emotions faculties and powers which are capable of being through all eternity for his own happiness and for the glory of his maker this is what i call greatness the meanest peasant may feel it as he labors in the field and the greater will that nation be the more the number of minds within it which with this noble this to rise above the common wants of daily life and to think and feel and act in reference to the life to come you are a yet exclaimed i should like to subject you to a regular training for what i call life we should soon cure you of fancies here but here we are at villa aa i choose to call it and happily for us all in	41
which perpetually a temperament like mine besides which there are the poor people around me haye you ever thought of things my young friend never arthur as you appear to be thinking of them though none can feel more than i do the repulsive nature of and did it never occur to you asked mr that instead of being and driven away by the we ought to be attracted by them we ought to endeavor to seek and to save them i know we ought replied arthur if that were possible but how can we reach by any argument a man whose mind is not his own whose reason is gone and whose soul lies prostrate in darkness ah there is the root of the matter exclaimed mr that is exactly the argument i should use myself in support of my own system how indeed are we to reach by advice or entreaty the man whose reason has been voluntarily extinguished there is no way left for us for if conviction could reach him it would be through the medium of his own sufferings and it does reach him sometimes a living deep conviction of the of his and yet he wants the moral power to escape from his mortal enemy what we want then is a plan and a union in our for putting the at least in a condition to read his bible and to pray having done this we can only commend him to higher and more efficient help than ours it is not our fault if he goes no further at this point the conversation suddenly took a different turn but arthur pondered these words in his mind as he was wont to do any moral truth which he believed to bear the well being of society and the advancement of man in the scale of b beings they made a deep impression but there b often a long state of experience between and conviction and sometimes a stage still longer between that and a to act upon tion altogether the day spent at mr s was a grave and rather a sad one to him for he felt more than ever in his life his natural timidity contrasted with the easy flow of animal spirits which exhibited and while he shrunk back into his own secret store of brooding thoughts he saw his friend and henry and with the greatest freedom and animation on had never appeared to him as worthy of a single thought at th the hour approached for the two to take their leave and though arthur felt that had he himself been different th home of the might have been like an earthly paradise to him he was not sorry to relieve them as he supposed firom the burden of his society a few days after this though engagements pressed upon arthur he consented to dine with provided it might be at an early hour and on condition that he should make his escape directly after dinner as he had to travel some miles out of town to attend a public meeting that evening it was an ill chosen visit to make at such a time and arthur found his thoughts more than usually diverted from the channel into which he wished them to flow for the subject of conversation chosen by his friend was the progress he believed himself to be making in the affections of you observed of course he said the pleasant terms on which we met i did replied arthur very gravely now i will freely confess to you continued that it is not the personal charms of miss alone which constitute her attraction it is of the utmost importance to me to make what is called a good match and the old father thb s stop stop exclaimed arthur rising suddenly i will not hear you was never meant to be the subject of calculations such as these looked in amazement at his friend and when arthur had descended as he called it from his and had resumed his seat he went on what on earth is the matter with you my good fellow said he i mean the girl no harm her feelings are interested and i consult her choice as well as my own are you sure of that have evidence in my favor and if what is that to you v nothing to me certainly said arthur nothing in the world but though he strongly all personal interest in the matter and most sincerely believed he had none his spirits sunk in a manner he was unable to account for while his countenance betrayed an extreme of depression upon hich his friend rallied him without much delicacy and annoyed beyond expression arthur had one resource of which he availed a resource which has been the refuge of thousands under a temporary irritation he drank more wine that day than usual and thought it gave him nerve and freedom and power both to endure and to act when he rose from the dinner table he was a greater man in his own opinion than when he sat down to it and instead of feeling appalled at the prospect which awaited him in the duties of the evening he was all excitement ambition and hope multitudes of ideas and quickly shifting images flitted before his mental vision as he pursued liis rapid course to the place of appointment he seemed to have more to say than could by any possibility be uttered in one night and had he then been asked io describe what were his peculiar notions of human b the s greatness he might with truth have answered it consisted in feeling as he felt at that when arthur stood upon the platform that night before a silent and crowded audience his cheek was pale but his eye was wild and fiery while the rapidity of his indicated all the	41
vivid sensations of a mind as sensitive as it was ardent the cause he had been engaged to advocate was one of the noblest which could occupy the thoughts or excite the energies of a benevolent and deep feeling mind and the sympathies of the people went along with him as he traced out its bearings upon the and eternal interests of mankind an older speaker had already been listened to while he delivered a long statement of mere facts and the minds of all were thus prepared for the burst of eloquence which followed but who are those upon whom the eye of the young orator has fallen for a moment just in the short interval he has allowed himself for gathering up his strength to begin afresh one glance was sufficient there is a deeper and more powerful than all others the eyes of were upon him and she was looking as if her inmost soul was stirred by sympathy with his the subject in fact was one in which the took the interest the cause was one which had engaged die father s most earnest attention and to promote which he had bestowed largely from his ample means he was therefore very properly given to on all such occasions as a and man and though no public speaker himself he held a prominent situation those who the more duties of such meetings had arthur been in a more observant humor that evening he would have seen and recognised mr among the gentlemen seated on the platform but it was enough for him now that was before him and if the at of the many and the admiration of the few were fixed upon the speaker before he made discovery their subsequent astonishment was to be expressed but by such a burst of when he resumed his seat as made the lights appear to dance and the building to shake before his dazzled and bewildered sight had looked upon the orator when he first stood up with the most perfect ignorance of ever having seen him before she knew his name was and that he was reported to be a very popular young man hut it never once entered into her mind to identify him with the dull spirit less looking person who had dined at her father s table a few days before all at once however the idea flashed upon her she snatched the paper from her brother s hand on which were the names of the and looking up again exclaimed aloud it is the very same it is the mr who dined with us the other day and so it is exclaimed her brother almost equally astonished why did not tell us who and what he was most probably he did not know himself said rather contemptuously how should he understand such a character at this very moment appeared for he had been invited to join the on this occasion and though by no means one that was congenial to his taste he knew too well the habits and sentiments of the family not to endeavor in some measure to or rather to appear to his own to theirs knew perfectly well too that his friend was engaged to speak at this meeting but it was a fact which in no way interested him as he considered all arthur s gifts and occupations as equally beneath the regard of a man of the world and from all he had ever observed of his he little from their public display then was his astonishment to find the attention of the the s so that they scarcely presence while the general stillness of the meeting evinced that an impression of no common nature was fixing the minds of the many there as might have been expected endeavored to attract the ear of b a few playful whispers but in vain she could neither see nor hear any one but the eloquent being before her whose very looks from the animation of a deep feeling soul now glowed into the most radiant such as she could not but feel grieved and astonished that she had not observed before as usual on such occasions the meeting was no sooner over than a party of friends consisting of those who were considered the most able of the cause repaired to the house of an and in gentleman in the place with his family the were on intimate terms and as their residence was too distant for them to return that night their whole party had been pressed to accept the hospitality of their friends though a little out of his place was included in the number and he gladly placed himself by the side of at the plentiful board around which the company were seated not for refreshment only but for tne purpose of entering more and more freely into facts connected with the subject of the previous meeting arthur of course was seated at the upper end of the table for he was now a distinguished guest and his opinion was appealed to as to that of an experienced and deep man with him however the energy ot the moment was gone the excitement under which he had spoken had been more than nature of herself could have supplied and the consequent depression was in the same proportion how dreadfully iu he looks said with an expression of the deepest and while arthur back in his chair and drew his hand across the s forehead up from his pale the of hair which it like a cloud she asked her brother who at that moment would believe him to be the same being he had appeared but a few moments before there is a secret in the change said which the eloquence of some of our might explain what do you mean asked i mean resumed that some of our finest never spoke so well as	41
when they had taken their wine freely colored deeply and her eye flashed upon the speaker as she asked again if he meant to mr had taken too much wine not too much certainly was the laughing reply it can not have been too much when it has produced such an effect take care what you say said be sure that you speak the truth and nothing but the truth have i not the best chance to know what is truth in this case arthur dined with with me and he left my table only one jt before he stood upon that platform whence the potent thunder of his eloquence seems to be still rolling and he came to the meeting oh no i do not say that excited stimulated anything you please short of that but will not insist upon the past you shall judge for yourself watch him now and see if he does not trim his lamp again at the same source and shine as brightly as ever looked toward the end of the table at which arthur was seated at that very it his glass was filled by the kind hand of their hospitable host and took good care that her attention should be directed the same way whenever it was arthur meanwhile knew what was expected of him he knew that his duties were but s half completed when the public meeting closed and as he would hare sunk into obscurity and id his head in the meanest apartment of that mansion he knew that he must make an fort to rouse himself with fresh energy to exertion or that the interest already excited would die away with the transient emotions his eloquence had awakened the effort was consequently made and not without effect he soon became the only speaker men older and wiser than himself listened in silent astonishment and the evening closed with this conviction on the minds of all that so ood a cause with such an advocate could never fail the public meeting at which arthur had produced so great a sensation was the first of a series others were held in the neighborhood and his strength was severely to support them all on the next occasion which called him to this duty the were again present again and her brother were seated in front of the platform and arthur felt his cheek glow as he looked down and saw that they were there when he stood up to speak however there was no glance of recognition from so far from it she never raised her eyes during the whole time he addressed the meeting but stooping father lower than was necessary she appeared wholly occupied in examining and arranging some papers which she held in her hand i will compel her to listen to me said arthur to himself and he uttered that night one of his most powerful appeals to the heart and the feelings of woman and many a raised handkerchief gave evidence that his appeal was not in vain at least so far as tears bore to the force of nature and of truth had wept among the rest and although those beautiful eyes whose familiar expression he had already learned by heart were still bent down the young orator was more than satisfied with the effect he had produced he knew not that pity s for himself was mingling with the emotions he felt so proud to have awakened that evening they met again it so happened they were seated at table for miss was generally a distinguished guest and those who were acquainted with her father s wealth and influence were happy to pay the daughter such attentions as they were sometimes at a loss how to render acceptable to aim not that was particularly easy to flatter or even to please by any direct attempt to do so but she had a good natured way of stepping forward to relieve her father from those attentions which she knew would be likely to tax his patience and awaken an of feeling for which others might not forgive him so readily as she did herself i think we have no need to be discouraged said arthur addressing his companion what is your opinion miss of the signs of the times we have certainly no need to be discouraged replied rather coldly if the numbers who flock to hear an eloquent speech are any evidence of success and how else said arthur would you the of support except by the interest excited by the number of good men who are willing to act replied rather than the number of gifted men who are willing to speak or the number of ignorant ones who are willing to listen by the purity and the of the means employed rather than by the degree of excitement which any means can awaken i build my hopes not upon the effects which we see but upon the causes which we know to be in operation and i trust little even to the thrilling interest which you have this night awakened nor i either said arthur but i confess i do calculate with hope and satisfaction upon that unanimous response of feeling which every public speaker s must gratefully acknowledge in testimony of tub having chosen a subject on which the hearts of the people go with his own these public are very observed the ear is gratified by eloquence as well as by music and there are who can draw multitudes around them even when they speak of subjects on which their audience never thought before and will in all probability never think again then on what foundation would you build asked arthur on principle replied and you would use no means i do not say that far from it i should delight to see good and wise and sterling characters of all descriptions both interested and	41
active in doing good but i should wish to see their efforts natural uniform and consistent with a sound and healthy state of mind not mere of transient enthusiasm to be followed by weakness and depression have your remarks any personal application inquired arthur most and looking at the same time with great earnestness into the countenance of perhaps i have no right replied either to make these remarks or to apply them but i am so anxious so distressed so afraid that you are wasting your strength and your energies is that all asked arthur with a look which too clearly revealed the triumph he felt in the consciousness that was anxious and distressed on his behalf have you no other suspicion of me than that i am exceeding the bounds of prudence and a constitution that was never very strong believe me i would rather live but a single year to some purpose than linger out an age without having made one effort for the good of mankind the s you mistake me said very i have other and more painful suspicions of you than this what are they asked arthur with impatience they are as ought to he told you hy a mother or a sister not by a stranger like me you must indeed you must tell me exclaimed arthur i am young like you and altogether in the ways of that great world which we call society hitherto my life has heen one of thought and feeling now that i am called upon to act how shall i act aright if those who see my errors want the to point them out it is not that i want said but courage but we have already conversed too long i ought not to forget that your time is public property arthur fixed his deep searching eyes upon those of i can not thank you miss said he neither would i wish to charge one among my many faults upon you but whether it is my lot in after life to or rise you must never as a christian lady forget that you neglected the opportunity and refused to use the power of making me better than i was before arthur had concluded these words he was addressed by a gentleman at the other end of the table and the conversation soon becoming general it turned upon other the s chapter m had descended in no amiable mood to his late breakfast one morning when a letter was put into his hand directed to him by his mother his head ached violently he was nervous and and little disposed for what he apprehended might be a maternal lecture he therefore tried to ascertain by feeling the exact thickness of the letter whether it contained the bank notes of which he was so in need the letter was thick though closely folded and a pleasant in the ends of his fingers seemed to convey to his mind the assurance that his wants were about to be supplied the seal was consequently soon broken a well filled sheet w s as soon opened and then another and that was all rang violently for his coffee and then sinking down in his chair an to eat his breakfast with what appetite he could command this is worse than all said he muttering to himself if she had but sent me five pounds i could have paid my landlady and set off to where i would have made her give up the rest she might have sold some or an old horse or two i am perfectly sure she might have done something at all events there is no enduring such a state of things as this such were the of that beloved son who was daily nay almost the subject of his mother s thoughts of ner calculations and sometimes though far too seldom of her most fervent prayers it is true mrs had hb s lately begun to think him in his upon her pecuniary resources but she con herself not exactly a judge of what a situation like his might require or what might be site to maintain the respect that was due to a young man of talents and so brilliant as her son s it was therefore the impossibility of satisfy ing these demands which constituted the sole ground of their denial and she had written on the present occasion a confidential and detailed account of the actual state of her affairs not doubting when her son should be made fully acquainted with her difficulties that he would himself both and considerate she knew what she would have felt for him under such circumstances she knew also what she had a right to expect from a son so partially and tenderly beloved and therefore it entered not into her calculations that she could be disappointed the letter here alluded to contained then a full and clear statement of the losses and scanty gains attendant upon the last few years farming at which rendered the continuance of the family there a matter of very questionable prudence and the anxious widow who naturally looked to her only son as her truest friend and best now appealed to his judgment and to his kindly feeling as to the best means of meeting present difficulties and providing against those of the future nor would the fond mother have deemed that her appeal had been made in vain had she seen the anxious brow and attitude constrained with which read or rather glanced oyer the contents of her letter though it is possible her yearning heart m have fainted had she afterward beheld the manner in which the letter was tossed over to the opposite side of the table before the expressions of with which it concluded had been read something must be done said he had sent away his breakfast almost the s	41
and the thought of at that flashed across his mind with more than ever fool that am he continued not to have heen more in earnest not to have gone with them to their meetings more frequently and left off wine and played my part with the brother to more effect simple as he is i am afraid he half me he has been distant of late and indeed they have all been rather of their invitations still i believe the girl is very seriously attached and that being the case what can i have to fear although uttered this belief aloud and repeated it to himself more than once there was a secret still lurking about his heart which made him feel anything but comfortable under the idea of a private interview with in which his fate should be decided so far as she was connected with it at once and for ever we have said that miss was a young lady with whom no man could advance beyond a certain line of intimacy and with all his confidence and self esteem had often been made to feel this to a painful and humiliating degree if i could but find out her weak point if i could but make her foolish or see her thrown off her guard so far as herself to court my attentions i should feel sure of success but none of these symptoms having yet appeared wisely concluded there might be a bare possibility that the impression he had made was neither deep nor lasting what then was he to do in the present crisis of his affairs he first formed his resolution and convinced that it was a rash one had recourse to his accustomed to give him courage to act upon it in of the plan so hastily formed he wrote a short letter to his mother simply stating that he should be with her on the following day he then sent a note to henry by which be contrived to keep him at the office latter than usual that even tbe s family i and stating that he had received letters which called him hastily from town so as to leave him scarcely time to make his at villa though he still cherished the hope of being able to be there about the time of henry s return after these arrangements set out to call upon a new acquaintance by whom he was as ho had anticipated invited to dine and by the time that social hour arrived he had so far recovered his self possession that not a cloud was to be seen his brow precisely at that time of day when mr was known to take the rest which was always necessary to enable him to remain with his family during the remainder of the evening was heard to knock rather gently at the door of the villa his inquiry of course was whether mr henry was at home and on being told that he had not yet returned he seemed so much at a loss what to do that the servant knowing his with the family could not in common civility avoid asking him in assuring him that his young master would not be long this was exactly what wanted and taking his seat with great in the usual room he doubted not but the object at that moment of the deepest interest to him would soon make her appearance the servant had closed the door very gently after him and a deep silence seemed to reign throughout the house very naturally walked up to the time piece the hand stood at seven by his own contrivance young could not be before nine and consequently esteemed himself a happy man happiness however is sometimes so capricious as to with our hopes when we think our possession of it most secure and whether as fancied miss waa giving the finishing and most effective arrangement to her dress or whether she had not yet adjusted her father s pillows so as to leave him entirely to the minister s repose certain it was that she was rather longer than he had expected in giving him a welcome it is difficult to fill up such intervals of life as these books which sometimes look so interesting axe oa such occasions rather dry and time which on the one hand appears long because it keeps from us what we wish on the other from the certain approach of that which will destroy a precious and long ht for opportunity seems to be compressed into a limit too short for en half an hour was already gone and was in no state of mind to bear anything beyond that with patience he paced to and fro in the apartment stopping sometimes beside the bell and then walking round again in the hope of hearing some sound or at least of using up another irksome minute at last be ventured to ring and a servant appeared can i speak to miss v said he i have a message for her brother which perhaps may do as well as seeing him himself miss is from home sir said the servant from home exclaimed somewhat thrown off his guard then i will leave a note if you will bring me pen and ink or stay i have a card here is ink sir on this table said the servant i will take care to give your note to mr henry but my master sir wishes particularly to see you if convenient to you to wait a few minutes longer your master asked i should really be most happy but i hardly know how i am so pressed for time and out his watch he added in an i leave town early in the morning and i have yet many persons to see tonight present my compliments to your master and bay	41
humiliation of the path she had felt herself called to pursue it was not the pleasant party however the congenial friends nor even the paid to herself which alone imparted a glow and pride to the widow s heart that day she had received the letter from her son short but to her most sweet fur it conveyed the assurance that he was hastening to her and not the most lengthened or elaborate expression of his sympathy could have been so welcome as this in acting exactly as she wished shared deeply in her mother s delight and having left word at the inn that the traveller should join them on his arrival at mr s she too sat down to table her countenance beaming with happiness from the thought that the one would so soon be dwelling among them again it seemed that day as if the widow s cup was to be filled to overflowing the gentleman beside whom she was placed at table knew her son at least he knew him in the way of business and he pleased the company all of whom were kindly interested in a mother s feelings by describing how in a difficult case in which messrs and co were engaged they depended almost entirely upon the talents of he had had to give his evidence on their behalf in a court of justice and the judge himself had the young man upon the clearness of his answers besides which added the gentleman i have it from mr himself that he considers him a young man of extraordinary promise and i congratulate you ma am i really congratulate you upon the comfort and support you may reasonable expect from such a son mrs s handkerchief was raised to her eyes at these words but there was at the same time a smile upon her lips which told how necessary and how natural were those tears to express the the s of enjoyment such as hers won why her mother wept when her were all exultation at this testimony m her brother s favor she knew not that a mother s heart is subject to touches of tenderness beyond what the most sister can feel this then as we hare said before was one of the widow s happy days and he will come to us here said she to herself many times before the day was over and they will all behold him in his beauty and they shall see how kind a son he is and we will walk home together over the fields and shall go first and everything look ready for his return one slight interruption to her felicity and only one mrs experienced it was when mr addressed her in an under tone on the subject of her son s religious character ing with as much delicacy as he could whether she had any reason to suppose that he was under serious impressions why yes said the mother with painful embarrassment i have thought of late at least i have or rather you have wished observed mr slightly smiling well my dear madam we must not despair london is a place of great temptation you must get him home mrs and when we have him among us again we will try what can be done mr at this moment turned away to to another guest and while he did so an unusually loud knock was heard at the door it is my brother exclaimed and starting firom her seat she rushed out into the hall mrs though heart was beating thought it more to remain besides she rather wished the company to see the meeting between herself and her son but why was the so long in coming perhaps his sister had mistaken in his l o there was ik s of his manly voice and his step hesitating no doubt to join a after so long a journey the company expectant a general silence a pleading kind of voice was heard in the passage no doubt persuading him to come in at last he came was it the heat of the summer s sun the dust of the public road had he been ill was a fever his brain all these ideas like so many flashes of lightning shot the mother s soul and gladly would she at that moment have clung to any one of them even had its touch been death but the truth the horrible truth it would reveal itself there was no shutting it out and there stood her son in the midst of that goodly company and most hideous to behold had for the last year of bis life and probably for a longer period than that been gradually falling into habits of of which he saw not the danger and of which also he believed that none knew the extent it was strange that one so quick sighted as he had always been to the folly of others should be willing on any occasion to surrender his power of self mastery for the mere gratification of an animal appetite it was strange that one who could laugh in his turn at the which other men committed under such circumstances should voluntarily commit the same yet so it was and he whose pride was in hie intellect and in the influence which intellect is calculated to obtain was often seen to act the part of a mere and to make himself the of the company in which he mixed mr was fully aware of his and for this reason alone had ceased to trust to any of importance for though his skill and management had on many occasions been most serviceable to his there were others when his assistance had more than failed them entirely from this humiliating cause thus s t he had obtained among men of business and even among those who were	41
by no means scrupulous on points of morality a kind of questionable character as a person not to be depended upon as one who was clever enough if he would use his abilities but in short as a young man not eligible to any place of trust himself was irritated beyond measure whenever he heard any of these he was aware of the nature of his habits but he never doubt ed their being such as he could change at any hour of his life the simple question why he did not change them since it was so easy might perhaps have opened his eyes to the real state of the case and have convinced him that it was becoming more and more difficult every day to make this important change that he was becoming in reality the slave of a momentary inclination and that the chains of a cruel tyrant were themselves with his very being to those who indulge themselves in what they consider a slight measure of the days of trouble and perplexity are those of temptation too had prosperity been the portion of had no disappointment his thoughts and no unexpected failure of ambitious hopes thrown him back upon his own mental it is possible he would never have to any great extent the bounds of propriety in this respect but the state of his mother a circumstances and more particularly of his own for his debts were becoming very considerable presented to his nation a picture by no means agreeable to contemplate and fond of a novel scheme a bold enterprise or an undertaking his temper and disposition were but ill calculated to brook disappointment or defeat young as he was however he had lately been compelled to experience both and never more painfully than in the failure of his hopes with regard to the family for though i the s still whispered that the lady herself was not indifferent he knew too well the strong principles of the family or as he called them their narrow to venture any advances toward their the success of which would depend upon the purity of his morals or the general of his character thus then he was completely at a loss how to calculate upon the future and wounded and irritated he had turned his hack upon the eat metropolis as upon a place in which he had enemies rather than friends still with a mind unused to sadness he could not he would not sink under this and the cheerful spirits which he was unable to command by any natural means he forced again into exercise by that fatal which had of late become his too frequent resource it had never once occurred to on his journey from town that he should have to make his appearance that day in any other house than his mother s and believing that he should find a welcome there under any circumstances he had himself by the way to his heart s content on arriving at the inn where he was to leave the london coach he had just sense enough to understand the message that had been left for him though he was far from having a sufficiently clear idea of the actual state of things to prevent his exposing himself before his mother s friends as above described the fact was he felt as most persons do under such circumstances fit for any society and capable of being an ornament to all and therefore it was that he hesitated not to walk directly into the drawing room among the guests of the we have said that mrs was a woman not easily thrown off her guard perhaps her was never more put to the test than on the present occasion it might be that the greatness of the demand called forth a effort for even now it did not fail her and rising hastily from her seat she laid hold of the arm of her son with so b a grasp that he under it and thus she half guided and half forced him to quit the room with her what followed their departure neither mrs ent nor looked hack to see for they were walking along the street of that little town where many eyes were upon them in the broad light of a summer s with that degraded but object leaning upon an arm of each and it was there too in that little town past all those lie windows where the proud mother had so often walked to the minister s door looking this way and that to meet the recognition of those who she thought must envy her that noble son it was there she now walked beholding nothing and nothing except the one absorbing agony that her soul had we not better go b the fields asked very meekly and half afraid for she had seen a group of rude men amusing themselves at their expense no replied her mother firmly we must go by the public road we shall never be able to guide him over the bridge so they went by the broad way some of mrs s own returning from their work and other passengers many of whom looked more amused than grieved at what is in reality one of the most sorrowful spectacles which human life an immortal being who has voluntarily destroyed that portion of his nature which alone distinguished him from the brute by the time mrs and her almost help less charge had reached their home at had in some measure recovered the use of his senses and throwing himself down into the which had been his father s and which always stood in the old parlor of the he looked up into his mother s face with an expression of countenance half serious and half comic as if some dim go s of the actual folly he had was	41
and many of them spoke yery kindly oi you and the t though i thought some remarks were a little too severe upon well as i said the lamented and and said such proper things you have no idea about the evils of and about the habit being corrected in time and then when the hour of separation approached they all took a little of what your brother been taking too much of and some took a little more for because they were so shocked and so sorry they could not bear themselves and my father he had taken his brandy and water began to talk still more though it was all in a very good strain yet could not help thinking there was something wrong in all this something inconsistent at least something that fell hardly upon those who are exposed to greater temptations answered not but walked straight onward with her eyes bent upon the ground it was the first time the idea had struck her mind that there was injustice and cruelty in that indulgence to the strong which may be injurious to the weak she was not one to hesitate from any selfish when the path of duty was made clear and stopping suddenly beside the gate of her mother s garden she held out her hand to her friend saying in a solemn and impressive manner dear rose let you and i lay down a fresh rule for our own lives and act upon it from this hour for the sake of my poor brother and of others who may be laboring under his temptations let neither ot us touch henceforth what to us may perhaps be innocent but what is not so to them rose laughed out you think said she our influence with the young men is so y great that we of our two selves can turn them from the error ci their ways when all the world and almost all ood men into the bargain would still be on their side ah i never detected your van ity before now i see what an ambitious and girl you are s blushed deeply but it was less with at the idle of her friend than at the sudden her feelings had experienced from her cold hearted sarcasm so at such a time me said the ears starting to her eyes for to draw you into my scheme i forgot that you had not the same cause with myself to make this matter a personal a religious duty i forgive you most freely replied rose and the more so because you have not succeeded for i assure you i have no wish to be better than my neighbors and the rule which my father and mother think right and which i have been brought up to from my cradle must be strict enough for me the fair speaker had scarcely uttered these words when the dashing figure of was seen riding up cm his new and beautiful pony perfectly conscious that he looked well on horseback he was in no haste to alight and charmed with the easy and cordial manner of rose by which no symptoms of were evinced he readily fell in with her lively kind of chat which upon the whole was far more to his taste than the serious of had ever been rose was in his estimation too prettier and he only wished bar charms could have been by a fortune like that which it was reported mr was able to bestow upon his daughter this pleasant and social interview between rose and her friend s brother proved not to be the last of the kind it so happened that they often met in the fields or about the outskirts of the town and while on the one hand the conviction that such meetings would not be approved by her family gave them a sort of romantic and interesting character to rose the fact that she was willing nay more than willing to meet him on such terms afforded a very natural gratification to the vanity of it was on a beautiful sunny morning in the s d of july one day wandered alone to the brow of a hill round which wound the public road commanding from rather a perilous eminence a rich and extensive view of the surrounding country tired with the lengthened ascent and at the same time delighted with the prospect of the stretching hills and valleys before her rose had seated herself upon a of and was idly forming a of the wild flowers which grew around her when suddenly turning the point of the hill appeared not aa she expected on his high spirited pony but quietly seated in a carriage which it seemed to be drawing with ease and sa ty up the hill who would have thought of seeing you in that sober style exclaimed rose sober indeed replied you must never a ain dispute my power of others into look at this pony it was but a week ago that i tried it for the time in harness and now you may lead it like a lamb many things may be led which can not be driven said rose laughing i would rather go before than be compelled to follow even this lamb of yours but you will ride with me this morning will you not i have brought the carriage on purpose may i ask whose carriage it is before i trust myself in it that can make little difference with a weight like yours but if you must know it is borrowed of a neighbor of my mother s a very worthy sort of man make haste if you please the animal goes well enough but has not patience to stand i dare not said rose withdrawing her foot from the step and besides it will look so foolish if we should meet any	41
stranger set off on the kindest errand he could now undertake for her taking with him a few lines from rose herself written with a trembling hand as a warrant for the truth of his story it is possible he might have repented by the way s ef engaged himself so deeply in an romantic a character with two young ladies or he might haye thought that as all danger was oyer there was no longer occasion for his or his interference this might he an empty chaise was sent to with a request that the note which the might be attended to immediately mrs was not at home when the message or she would in all probability haye objected to her daughter s acting upon so strange a request but who well knew the handwriting of her friend hesitated not a moment and in the course of half an hour she had placed that friend beside her in the carriage and was hearing on their way home all the strange incidents of her fearful story and did no strange man come with the carriage asked rose no it was sent from the town by a gentleman whom the i think said he did not know nay you are wrong there for if he had been a gentleman he would haye come for me him self well a man then as you are pleased to call him but for my part i think he has acted a kinder part or at least a more delicate one by disappearing from the scene of action altogether i only wish could claim his services a little further to look after poor has your brother not arrived yet asked rose and perhaps it was a little strange that she had not asked this question before no replied very sorrowfully and glad as i am to have you again m safety beside me i can not or think of anything else until i have my brother too but that strange man said rose again i can hot imagine who he was sometimes he seemed so kind and then so distant i never felt so much afraid the b of a man m my life and yet i was more afraid of be ing left alone a chief i suppose observed a chief exclaimed rose laughing i wish you could have seen him you would have been divided between a cattle dealer and an preacher perhaps he was both see see exclaimed starting up and clapping her hands with exultation as they came in sight of there is standing at the door now i am happy indeed even without out my cattle dealer said rose but stay i will make one more trial and stretching her head from the window of the she asked the driver who the gentleman was by whom the carriage had been ordered i can not at this time call to mind his name said the man looking as if he knew everything else about him where does he live then asked rose that i can t tell you either said he all know is that he the market at puts up at the black bull and a quantity of cattle then he is a cattle dealer after all said rose sinking back in the carriage with a look of profound disappointment is the man any worse for that asked her friend the next moment the horses stopped at mrs s garden gate and whose heart was full of gratitude rushed in to tell her mother all that happened while assisted rose into the house for though not seriously hurt she was a little too much shaken both in mind and body to be able to move in her accustomed light and easy manner look exclaimed mrs pointing to the door the man is driving off and we have not him run and call him to stop hastened out and having su in j m mm mm a m s making the man hear a short ensued after which he returned to the house to tell the strange tidings that the chaise had heen paid for paid for exclaimed all at once yes paid for hy the person whose name the man can not recollect then he is a gentleman after all exclaimed bo e with satisfaction the s chapter iv there is a class of persons well known to all who have had much experience in the common affairs of life who seem to carry a train of along with them from the cradle to the grave not that they are themselves peculiarly liable to affliction did they feel more they would endeavor to make others feel less the description given of such per sons in common is that they ace bom beneath an unlucky star and it would almost seem that a peculiar fate was upon them for without anything upon in their own nature and certainly without any determination to do evil rather than good they are perpetually even their nearest and dearest in perplexity on their behalf and often in difficulty and if persons of this class borrow a horse they are almost sure to throw it down if they hire a carriage a shaft is broken or a wheel thrown off if they business for others their fail if for themselves the consequences are still more though far from in the case of that he was an agent in such as these without any to himself in the of calamity which his conduct upon a and mother it is not the less certain that he had no deliberate at all adequate to the consequences of each individual act among the many which formed subjects of reproach or regret among his friends according to their degree of attachment to himself and the the s manner in which they regarded the conduct of young men in general the affair of the borrowed carriage already re though not the	41
cause of any personal injury and so far less than might have been expected was still to the widow with her failing resources a disaster of no trifling importance the carriage had been entirely dashed to pieces and though amused himself by pointing out the of the different fragments and arguing that the whole even before its was worthless his mother shook her head for she well knew that a carriage is a carriage so long as it holds together and that nothing can more effectually its former value than the fact of its being totally destroyed in another person s hands mrs too was who made a strict point of standing well with her neighbors she herself was never known either to lend or borrow and she could as little afford to purchase a new carriage to supply the loss occasioned by her son s as she could bring her spirit to settle quietly down under an obligation so irksome as that of having first and then destroyed the property of it would appear strange were it not a part of onr nature that the widow still continued to love with the tenderest affection a son whose feelings and habits were so entirely opposed to her own and to love him as it would seem in proportion to the extent of this difference but so it was and she was not the first woman whose heart has turned away from what was genial comforting and secure to wreck its peace upon that which seemed formed to be its torment day after day mrs watched the eye of her son in order to engage his attention while she the whole weight of her sorrows day after day she followed him a little way out into the fields until his active step had gained too great a distance for her voice to reach his ear at last she m s directly to him when he could not well escape and the was a long deliberation npon the ways and means by which the respectability of the family was to be supported had been a silent listener while this was carried on and all seemed equally at a loss for an expedient for the farming affairs at field were just then in so low a state that it appeared little less than madness to talk of continuing them without any material and to every en treaty of the mother s that her son would come and settle down in the country and take upon himself the entire management of her business he replied with impatience and disgust that he knew no more about than his dog and that he was not g v ing to bury in such a place as that don t you think it a pretty place asked with great simplicity pretty enough for what it is was the reply is london prettier asked again but her brother did not condescend to answer so an inquiry and the consultation went on though with more success than before and a long silence ensued during which rose and walked to the window where he whistled and adjusted his hair by the reflection of his figure upon the of the old window in the deep recess into which the sun was shining i hare been thinking mother said at last and this time she was not interrupted for no one else had anything to say i hare been thinking that i might assist you in what way inquired mrs with a tone of implied little confidence in any plan proposed by her daughter i hare been thinking i might learn a continued a business exclaimed the mother and the son with one voice and then the latter out tune the know i am no scholar resumed the sim pie hearted speaker certainly not observed and whistled again and so i have been thinking said that i might learn the business of a and practise it here among and hai test people interrupted mrs no no you don t understand me said again i mean to spare you the trouble and expense of maintaining me you know i was always quick with my hands and if i became in the business surely i could get a situation as as with somebody in london or elsewhere at this observation condescended to look i think that suggestion of s at all bad he said and she could make me my shirts by working over hours yes and my mother s caps exclaimed who began to be really pleased at the respect with which her proposal was treated by her brother it so happened however that this proposal gained ground with to whose interests it offered a powerful appeal and who in her g heroism knew not the real nature of the sacrifice she was about to make found herself in the of a few days preparing with her mother s consent and her brother s approbation for that most of all of human life and that least of any a s in don it is probable this scheme would scarcely have appeared had there not been a relative of mrs s carrying on a very flourishing business in this line in the metropolis or rather one whose account of her own transactions in the fashionable world occasionally startled the inhabitants of when she came down for a day in the country to tell how dresses were worn in town to the new hay and to take back to the the s her hands full of garden flowers destined tc drag out the remnant of their existence in the win dow of her front parlor at no nor was the novel destination to which poor was consigned the only change which circumstances rendered necessary at in of the determination of not to himself m the country mrs at last decided upon a step which had been proposed to her of of ner farm	41
to a gentleman of great respectability in the neighborhood and he being an unmarried man without mother or sister to his domestic affairs an arrangement was entered into by which the widow should remain as mistress of the home she had so long called her own it is astonishing how little we are affected by those changes which leave us still occupants of our accustomed places by the same objects and m all outward circumstances the same rode away from the door of his paternal home never a ain to find it a home to him and his mother turned into the old parlor with a tear in her eye but yet with a look of as much dignity and with a feeling of satisfaction almost as complete as when the whole premises were called her own was the only one who really felt the change and she felt it the more because the person who had come to take possession of the farm was a man of grave and distant habits who though exceedingly respectful to her mother neither said nor did anything to make her understand that he thought she had a right to be there and what is the name of the new master of said rose to her friend day as they walked over the fields to the farm was the short reply the next thing i must ask is how you like him continued rose for you seem determined to tell me nothing unless i do ask we like him of course replied he is s a good man i believe and reads his bible very gently and it follows of course that you like him asked rose laughing it ought to follow said but what i am sure there is something about you do not like now tell me what is the matter for he must be very disagreeable if you do not like him when he is so good z think said but i am not quite i think he is cold hearted and severe in what way he is so very he never allows himself the least that can be done without does he never drink wine no nor even beer what a man he must be but after this is only being hard hearted to himself does he give nothing away yes there is a poor old woman ill in the lane to whom he sends a part of his dinner every day most likely for observed rose and thus the two amused themselves with all the evidence they could bring against the stranger until they reached the door of the when rose looked about her with some curiosity in the hope of being able to draw her own conclusions firom personal observation it was some time before mr appeared and when he did the sudden start and heightened color on the cheek of rose betrayed an ion for which her friend was altogether at a loss to account more especially as the stranger himself appeared unconscious of any cause for extraordinary excitement he is the very man said rose to her friend after having made an excuse for calling her to a remote part of the room what man asked s my cattle dealer if you like to call him so impossible the very same i assure you and yet he does not choose to know me perhaps he waits until you choose to know him then he shall wait a little longer said rose tossing back her shining and advancing to the table with an air of haughty indifference for she was really that an interview which she considered as bearing so romantic a character should have been already forgotten so far at least as related to herself and if her woman s heart had been more deeply there would probably have been found concealed in some of its recesses a very natural surprise that her own personal charms should have made so slight an impression she forgot in the moment of her wounded vanity that her interview with mr had been of such a nature that delicacy on his part forbade his public recognition of her as a former acquaintance unless she herself had given him to understand that such recognition would be agreeable does mr ever walk out with you asked looking back to the house as she and her friend passed out of the garden to pursue their evening walk to the town never said and dismissed the subject with great indifference for she was thinking that was in all probability the last time she would ever accompany rose back to her father s house over those fields and along those grassy so familiar to her step that she could almost have gone all the way and not to her step only for the sound of the beneath her foot the son of the in the hedge row tree the scent of the and the rustling of the thick com as she passed by were all parts of that home feeling which to an isolated like herself but little valued and less understood con ths a d ail her of earthly happiness there are no creatures on earth so and apparently heartless as ladies who are just beginning to interest in what is called an affair of the heart i shall be in london this day next week said that must be mr exclaimed rose look yonder who else can it be i wonder what makes my brother like london so much better than the country observed do you think mr join us if we go that way asked rose it really grows very late and i do not half like that shady lane after the sun has set we can go by the public road said smiling for she if her friend was afraid iq consequence of the of the hour what was to become o her who had all her steps to from	41
the town to the farm it was not the habit of rose however to think much about anybody but herself and when her friend bid her after mr had very politely joined them she never once expressed her that she should have to walk home alone had not expected still less had she wished that mr should feel the slightest anxiety about her safety yet had her own thoughts been less absorbing she might very naturally have wondered why a gentleman should think the young lady who had but a hundred yards to go more in need of protection than another who had to walk a mile in the present instance er this seeming in the attentions of the gentleman proved equally acceptable to both friends for was fond of the twilight hour and she spent so much of her time alone and kept so many of her thoughts to herself that solitude and silence seemed to be the element in which she lived still there was on this a s f occasion a more than usual proportion of sadness mingling with her secret thoughts it is so a thine to go away being regretted that there is bat one circumstance in life which can weigh against it and that is to return without a welcome i don t wish them to be distressed said speaking her feelings aloud as she leaned upon the that was nearest home that would pain me very much but i should like somebody to be a little sorry that i am going away had scarcely uttered these words when her attention was attracted by a low mournful and looking over the she saw in the pathway her brother s dog which though considered his property and subject to his authority had always been upon her care and kindness and now it seemed almost as if the poor animal had a of its loss for it looked up into her face most and when she spoke again its distress burst forth into a perfect howl poor die said will nobody care for you when i am gone and herself upon a bank the dog lay down beside her with its head upon her lap and they neither of them stirred from the spot until the moon rose above the orchard trees which grew around the at it was a beautiful the air so pure and still the sky so serene and the wide flowers and thickly growing so fresh and fragrant with the dew the cattle were all so peacefully at rest the village sounds so hushed while the sombre woods and deep shadows of scattered trees which lay here and there contrasted with the white moonlight looked so perfectly in harmony with beauty and repose that it would have been scarcely possible at such an hour not to resign the mind to an imaginary sense of the strongly prevailing presence of goodness and mercy and as a natural consequence of safety and protection s i should never be afraid in the thought y at the same moment she her words by starting suddenly from the ground at the sound of a brisk footstep brushing the dew from the grass along the pathway to the this is a late hour for you miss said it is replied but i am about to leave the country so soon that i feel anxious to enjoy all i can of it both by day and n ht your friend looks delicate i think he continued is she so oh no not in the least we think her the picture of health like hers are often misunderstood observed the gentleman she appeared excessively fatigued on reaching home you need not be under any apprehension about that replied she would walked back again with the greatest ease had there been any for doing so another proof said the gentleman somewhat sullenly that those who see us the most frequently are the least watchful of our little i do assure you again exclaimed more earnestly that rose has no whatever except such as a little self discipline might correct i would ask you what those are said but that i should be the last person in the world to make a friend become evidence against a friend you ought at any rate said to ask me for a catalogue of her virtues first and if i should not feel more pleasure in discovering them myself i would but are you sure that y ou are a proper judge i is there not a remote possibility that your though clear on subjects may be a little at fault here c s whether at this suggestion dr not was impossible to say but one thing was evident from the tone of his voice that he felt both interest and pleasure in the turn which the conversation had taken and he looked upon ever afterward with more complacency than he had done before it was a complacency however which arose entirely out of her intimacy with rose and when during the last fe days of her residence in the country those precious days in which she lingered over each familiar object as if regarding it for the last time if ever he joined her in her walks or was in any way brought into contact with her his conversation invariably turned upon her friend or upon the minister s family in some way or other at last the morning came on which was to take leave of her native home and to herself to a new world of hopes and fears and trials and interests of which as yet she knew nothing a neighbor of mrs s who was going to town had offered to take charge of her daughter and accompanied her to the to take leave of the friends the loss of whose society occasioned her perhaps more real regret than any other consideration and rose too said to herself	41
i think she will be sorry at last though she has such excellent spirits for i don t know who she will find to tell her secrets to when i am gone rose however appeared no more affected by the prospect of losing her friend than she would have done had her mother s last new servant been about to go away not that she did not feel the value of so and faithful an associate in all her thoughts and all her occupations but from the cause already alluded to her mind was pre occupied by a more agreeable subject and she was not sure that her face would look quite so pretty if she allowed herself to cry one effort however she did make the last which even pretended friendship fl would she to her friend to the coach and her bonnet was soon put on and a loose shawl thrown over her shoulders and in a few minutes more she was walking with and along the street toward the inn asking a number of commonplace questions without waiting for a reply arrived at the hotel whence the coach was to start the party discovered that they should still have some minutes to wait and on being shown into a little square parlor appropriated to the admission of s so rose declared her to endure such an atmosphere as the tobacco smoke and the spirits of the night before had left there it reminds me said she that i want a bottle of water i will just step over to mr s and be with you again in a moment it was impossible for to allow so delicate a lady to go alone and having first ascertained that all the boxes to were safe he too set off for the water perhaps the first time in his life that he had been engaged on such an errand it would have been but a little while to have stayed with me said to herself as she stood looking out of the window where the horses were to be seen already and if i who have ways been accustomed to such pure country air could bear the atmosphere of this room surely rose might have done so too is this your luggage miss asked the throwing open the door as wide as it would go and the kind old man who had to take charge of to london just then coming in she was soon safely seated beside him on the outside of the without any interference from other friends as the vehicle with all the rush and rattle which usually attend the commencement of a rolled past the door of mr s shop rose expressed her astonishment and grief that such an accident should tee s hare happened as its actually starting before sh had chosen her favorite scent and running to the door she waved in the air the white handkerchief already with half the in mr s shop while who was really grieved at his own neglect stood back and did not appear even to know that the coach was passing it would have been better if they had never pretended to see me off was the mental observation made by who soon lost some portion of the of her in the sensations which her novel situation excited her companion too though a homely man was extremely kind and every act of consideration shown to herself was received by with a degree of gratitude which actually made her happy for the time is this london she asked with a simplicity which made the old man smile whenever the houses began to on each side of the road and especially when and ornamental grounds seemed to realize in some degree the high ideas she had formed of that beauty and splendor which she had heard of as belonging to the great metropolis and which she supposed to be the cause why her brother preferred a n residence to the at now this is london said the old man at last when the road became the houses smaller and more closely hemmed in with each other and the population more dense and dirty while old clothes were hung about the doors and green shops displaying old faded vegetables were thrown open in the below this london exclaimed and does my brother live here not here exactly replied her companion but he breathes the same air and walks past such places as these every day impossible exclaimed why i don t think i can breathe here at all the i s t like that of a room just swept before the settled and the people look as if neither they nor their clothes had been washed for six months if everybody and everything in london was washed to night observed the it would look pretty much the same to morrow and does my brother live here exclaimed again less concerned about her own destination than astonished at the choice of one whom she had always associated in her youthful fancy with what was most refined and most elevated above the gross and and occupations of human life nor was her wonder at all by the increase of noise and bustle and tumult into which they entered as the well accustomed horses their way drew the rattling vehicle streets so filled that from the bird s eye view which the situation of commanded to pas along them at all seemed nothing less than a miracle is any one to meet you asked the old man on their the coach no replied my mother thought you would be kind enough to see me into a coach and tell the driver where to go but i will settle with you first if you please for i think you have paid for me all the way well see about that said the this hair trunk you say is	41
yours and this all these said and she stood beside them as directed until her companion brought a coach from an adjoining street into which he saw them safely after which h e took the hand of who looked at him as if to ask whether they were not to part there he understood her look and answering i don t sight of you until i see the door at no he half lifted her into carriage and seated himself by her side as to the matter of settlement said he going direct to the point which had most at heart s need not mention that again for it is not my practice to come to london empty and i know the circumstances of your mother and yours too so no nonsense the money i can af ford it better than you can anyhow and you will find use enough in this great for all you have got in your purse i only wish it may be reason and not folly that calls it forth of course remonstrated but it was all in vain her friend only repeated he had daughters of his own and good girls too and he wished if ever they were in need of it that some old man like himself might pay their way a willingly as he did hers that day not to this city either he added for it s a dangerous place my dear that you have chosen to set up m oh do not call it choosing said for she felt and felt bitterly the of everything she saw i should never have thought of it well well i know all about it said the old man again your mother told me everything and for all she smoothed the matter over by saving it was your choice that you had a turn for and all that i can not help thinking it was rather hard upon you to send you whatever you think exclaimed do not call it hard to me i am trying every day and every hour to it so and i have enough without any one making it worse yes and you will more difficulty still if i mistake not continued her companion for he was no philosopher nor acquainted with the nice art of the mind to circumstances when circumstances can not be to the mind thus the only means of consolation with which he was acquainted besides that of his powerful help was the expression of his no less powerful sympathy and m giving utterance to that he plunged into ths difficulty and to the bottom of trial until the ease be kindly intended to always became worse instead of better under his treatment and now said he as the coach proceeded through street after street all apparently interminable you behold the great or human wickedness into which you hare thrown yourself or rather into which your friends have thrown you look at that man do you see those women i need not tell you to beware of such it is the seemingly respectable of whom you must learn to be afraid the prettily dressed poor girls the young men who would take yoa out on sundays and treat you with their masters money and thus he went on until began to fear she was entering a perfect den of in which no one be able to show her any good and she at last ventured to ask in whom she was to trust you have a bible i dare say said the old man you will read there of one whom you may trust and trust with safety and the oftener you refer to that blessed book the happier and the better it will he for you but stop my good fellow he called out from the window don t you see that this is the place the driver now pulled up his horses exactly opposite the front parlor window of mrs s house where instead of the continued with his head thrust from the window of the l ch making every observation he could upon the outside of the habitation which might lead to the most distant idea of the actual state of things within the young women work in the cellar i see was the remark with which he drew back and at that instant the door was opened by a bustling maid while the lady of the house herself all and smiles stood in tbe entrance to courtesy in as she expected a newly arrived customer it was with evident that she learned what s kind of arrival she had been so much on the to meet and the servant maid too grew in her movements as after another was handed to her by the coachman and altogether these was as little appearance of welcome to poor both at if she had been one of those herself good by to you child said the old man brushing the sleeve of his coat across his eyes i don t like all this but i must not make a child of myself it is no business of mine in another moment he was gone and at a loss how to conduct herself so as to fit into her new situation was conducted up stairs to a little room containing no other furniture than a bed and a few boxes on the highest of which was placed a crazy looking glass which made one side of every unlucky countenance reflected in it appear longer than the other poor how she did the aspect of everything around her and then the tea that was brought out no milk for the family had had their tea and the three drops of milk which remained over and above had been given to the cat how different was this tea to the plentiful table had often felt so proud and	41
so happy to set out at it was not for herself however that she cared for these things and therefore this trial as well as many others was rendered by the tion her mother and were not sharing it with her that she had the pain of it all to herself and that whatever she might suffer she had the satisfaction of suffering for them and had need of this satisfaction for there is perhaps no creature upon earth more pitiable than the s in a great city especially where they are far from their own friends and are expected as the frequent rule is to out on sundays and to leave the best dinner and the best room for the enjoyment of their and their friends there is a vulgarity too to which g herself bat too in this kind of life in london of which the in the country know nothing among the higher classes of society the town residence and the country seat present yery little difference of occupation association or interest but in the lower the case is widely different and the very same whose leading characteristic is vulgarity in the one is or in the other it is even so with childhood the very same boy who in the outskirts of his native village would satisfy the of a youthful appetite with from the in the green lanes would stand in the crowded streets of london watching the ladies and gentlemen eat and bon through the window of a s shop and the little girl who in her father s orchard would upon a of to make a tree in foil blossom would place the cast off flowers of her mother s mistress in her own bonnet and the along the streets of london the case parallel throughout he who upon the state of the times seated in a fancy tin the smoke of london talks about the size of his loaf and the price of his pint of beer while the man of the same grade discussing these subjects in the stretches his eye over the rich meadows and the wide fields of waving com which bound his horizon and in the aspect of the country which he calls his own declares that he must have a daring mind indeed who would presume to on the rights or restrain the liberties of a people so privileged so and so noble as those who bear the l name of englishmen though possessing all the simplicity of a country girl and in her own character humble in the extreme was perfectly alive to this peculiar change in her circumstances and much as she felt the loss t f all she had ever loved she felt s more keenly the of being so entirely associated with a class of persons whose minds and feelings were as far below the general tone of hers as the outward aspect of the peasant s life is below that of the sovereign on his throne still there was one source of consolation left for of which she was not slow to avail herself for she was not a person to sink under a trouble of mere feeling when the comfort of acting and acting generously was left to her and on the first moment of liberty being granted her she hastened to her brother s lodgings determined to relieve some of those pressing necessities about which she had heard him speak so often and so earnestly to her mother by placing in his hands the money which but for the kindness of her companion from the country would have been expended in her journey to l she was anxious too to see again that familiar face which had filled her youthful fancy with the highest ideas she had ever formed of manly beauty she was anxious to hear the sound of a voice associated with all her dearest household recollections she was anxious to speak even the pleasant names of long known and beloved things though never loved so fondly as now when a barrier of such entire separation seemed to be built up between her and them that she must be content to speak in a new language in order to be understood but will understand me she said many times to herself as she her new and to her difficult way along the streets of london perhaps he have heard from my mother and then i shall hear all about them for had accustomed herself to that homely expression which all familiar domestic and household associations under this simple word thus if they were well and happy it was enough for her or if she herself was fortunate enough to give satisfaction to it was the highest of her earthly ambition ai d yet if she had been asked to sum up the various included the s ill by her mental calculations in this it is possible she would not have ceased without all th dumb animals and many of the plants which had been alike the objects of her affection and the subjects of her care arrived at her brother s lodgings a little surprised to find them in a handsome and what she supposed must be ar very expensive street the door too was one of which she scarcely dared to lift the from a nervous apprehension of who or what her summons might a little boy who filled the office of porter and whose appearance she thought would have been much improved by a good wash relieved her mind from all further apprehension by answering that mr was at home and by walking before her up a flight of stairs and opening the door of a handsomely furnished sitting room where a young gentleman in an elegant morning dress was reading the paper while a late breakfast stood beside thought at first that it could not really be her brother because though she had	41
sent m her name he gave no sign of recognition until the boy had again retreated and closed the door then knit his brows and looking very angrily at his sister said what upon has brought you here i came replied not to this mode of treatment and therefore not so easily by it as some others might have been i came to bring you a little money which i have to spare laughed a short laugh as people do who are not altogether displeased and who yet feel an utter contempt for the and of the means of satisfaction afforded or proposed your money is all very well said he as far as it goes but you must not be coming here at any time when it suits you that will never do fl why not asked with her simplicity in the first place replied her i most not have it known that vou are my sister and in the next i have no wish you should he exposed to the remarks which would naturally fall upon a woman in your situation going in and out of a house for young gentlemen in my situation asked wholly at a loss to understand what peculiar considerations that situation in your situation as a s was the reply the tone and manner with which these words were spoken the whole secret to the comprehension of she not only understood hut felt it all and falling hack to a wider distance from her she cast a suspicious glance around the room as if to ascertain that their interview was without a witness i know what you mean now said she looking a little paler than before i perfectly understand that i have fallen into a lower grade and that you would be ashamed to have it known that i was your sister could command her feelings no longer in that great world of strangers to which she had consigned herself where all had been so re so desolate and so to her er brother had been her all and the hope of seeing him though but for a transient interview now and then had appeared like a gleam of sunshine through an atmosphere of clouds in the prospect which her miserable life in london presented to her view i would not come often said she weeping bitterly i would not come when you had company nor call you my brother at all nonsense said as much vexed with the of her sorrow as with the sorrow it the s don t speak so loud boy knows everybody s business but his own but you can not mean it said for hers was the effort of despair you can not mean that i am to live always with those people and work from morning till night in that dark room of theirs and never see you never i do mean it though said her brother for it would never do to have you here and in this way oh exclaimed with her hands clasped together i have so loved you opened the newspaper and began a fresh page but though the in parliament at that time ran high he glanced over the columns without knowing who had spoken or to what effect and there stood that mute girl with her eyes upon his countenance for she believed herself to be gazing on his beauty for the last time and while perfectly convinced in her own mind of what was to de her doom she waited like a criminal at the bar for the passing of her final sentence quicker a thousand times than any language can describe strange thoughts and stranger feelings were passing through the mind of the man who thus drive from him the only being who really loved him in that great theatre of action in which he found his only enjoyment there was something desolate in the sensation with which this act was accompanied even to him and he was and unhappy in every way in his own character to bear either disappointment or defeat he had lately had to struggle against both and every night but especially the night preceding his interview with his sister foimd him lost to every recollection that could either give him pain or pleasure the consequence was that every morning he was overcome with increasing weakness and and while on the one he struggled with impatience against ev the family ery upon his own time or to his own will on the other he was sometimes startled into a sudden of feeling from causes which his nature would have regarded as altogether unworthy of a moment s consideration thus he would gladly have dismissed his without another word but strove in vain for nerve to do so for in with the humble pleading tones of her familiar voice came back such recollections of their infancy such glimpses of what hope then promised him and such a cold dark picture of what ice had actually realized that even his heart was melted and turning toward his sister he gave her one kind look which brought her in an instant with all her tears and all her tenderness within his arms you must not take it hardly said he if i still persist in what i have said it is the necessity of circumstances not of inclination oh think not of it exclaimed i was selfish and unreasonable to say what i did i perfectly understand and agree to what you propose i will neither trouble you nor think hardly of you for telling me to keep away thank you a thousand times said who still kept his arm round his sister s waist and so precious to her was that embrace that she kissed high forehead and pressed her cheek upon his head as if she had indeed been about to part with him for ever dear she said	41
in a timid voice but clasping her arms more closely round his neck there is just one thing i want to say to you before i go well what is it f do you ever read your bible now not very often do you ever pray never and don t you think it is a fearful thing in this great city to live among so much wickedness and so minister s much temptation without ever asking our heavenly father to keep you safe it is but i feel more afraid to pray than i am to live without it perhaps you have some darling sin you do not wish to give up and therefore you can not ask a blessing on what you wish or what you do i am afraid i am all sin and folly and wretchedness are you really unhappy said his sister and with her hands clasped together and pressed gently upon his head she lifted up her eyes and her voice and poured forth such a prayer as well might have awakened a response from a heart more hardened than his own ai ter this her spirit appeared more calm more subdued to the trials of her lot and pressing upon his brow a farewell kiss as gently as if it had been upon the cheek of a sleeping she passed almost silently away from his apartment and traced back her melancholy steps along the public street i tbe s f chapter v of all the days in the week which had looked forward to as holding out the most precious promise of intercourse with her brother the sabbath was that upon which she most fondly it was also that in which she felt most in need of friendly companionship for on that day of the week alone she was not only allowed but ex to absent herself from the family in whose social hours she was a welcome only so long as she contributed by her industry to make those hours more easy and to the present of her time and talents on the sabbath day then generally made as long a journey as she could to some place of worship distant from the city in order to use up her spare time and also to walk off a little of the weariness which her occupations occasioned it was however a lonely sort of heartless task to pass along so many streets among so many strangers in all which belonged to her and acquainted with her very existence except as aa of the moving mass before them it was many weeks after the interview described between and her brother when she forth one morning to spend this kind of solitary day though she had been on this occasion invited to dine with a friendly woman whose grade in society was such as to render her not above showing hospitality to a s though a good woman had few thoughts in common with her and though kind to one whom she looked upon as a poor young woman felt no great alacrity the s in joining her family circle she therefore her way and stopping upon one of the bridges amused herself with a party of pleasure bet sail in a painted boat while she repeated most audibly the following of a scotch ballad there s place like our ain oh i wish that i was there there s like our ain to be met wi and oh that i were back again to our farm and fields so green and heard the o my ain folk and was what i been the whole of these verses though describing the situation of an imaginary character possessed an extraordinary charm to the mind of for there is a mysterious consolation in thinking that other in have even pictured to themselves the rows from which we are suffering and as bent over the of the bridge to hide her face from the by her tears fell thick and fast into the heedless stream which hurried on its way below the sound of music from the pleasure boat which had at first attracted her attention now disturbed the of and awakened to the necessity of passing on she still her head toward the merry party willing to have it supposed by any who observed her and strange attitude that she was only amusing herself with the amusement of others the look which had at first been one of pretended interest became however as real as it seemed for the eye of ever quick and true to early impressions suddenly caught the tall figure of her brother in the boat while she could discover firom his countenance that he was laughing and looking as happy as the rest poor said more sorry for her brother s present mirth than she had been for his sadness on the preceding day poor is i thb s this then the way in which you can laugh off all your anxiety and all your thought too if her brother s debts were so pressing it was a pity he should be spending his money on amusements of this kind out the hour which then struck from the churches reminded her that she had lingered au ready too long and she endeavored through the remainder of the day to for her momentary neglect by her thoughts in a more than usual manner and fixing them upon the solemn services of the sabbath it was at rather a late hour that evening when her steps to the city nor had she thought so much of her brother s present situation as of his character and conduct in general when on reaching the bridge again whence she had seen the gay party setting out on their excursion the whole scene rushed back upon her mind and she involuntarily stopped if not to see to think and conjecture what be the circumstances attending	41
his return had scarcely paused however before the gathering of a crowd of men and boys along the side of the river attracted her attention and far in the distance she discovered two boats evidently with each other in the speed with which they cut through the water it requires very little to call together a crowd in london very little to awaken anywhere in the minds of the idle and the thoughtless that which aims at pre eminence in folly or vice and thus the throng of spectators increased and the two boats came nearer and nearer until the dash of their oars would have been heard by but for the roll of carriages immediately beside and the general hum of the eat multitude of which she formed an item at last a shout was heard and there was a splash struggle while the nearest boat rocked on one side and the stooped over and then while the minister s they ceased from their labors they seemed to be looking after something that was left behind another shout succeeded to the first and both the boats put back and rested on their oars while some of the men could be seen making up a of ropes and standing as if in readiness to throw it to any spot that might be indicated by others did not at first feel any apprehension about what had happened she thought it might have been a hat a coat or even a dog which had fallen but suddenly she seemed to be impelled by a kind of irresistible necessity to hasten to the spot and with a countenance of such deadly that those who looked into her face drew hack astonished and made way for her to pass she her way along the side not once looking to the right hand or the left but keeping her eye fixed steadily upon one particular point she succeeded in forcing a passage through the of the crowd and in standing directly opposite to where one of the boats was about to approach the land n or was it difficult for to by the exclamations of the crowd the frightful catastrophe which had occurred we haye him too said many at once but and knew perfectly well without any of their coarse descriptions what was the reason why the could not by any possibility be she knew for by this time the lifeless form of her brother had been lifted out of the boat and while many crowded round to see the tall and manly youth who had met with this fate was the only one who claimed or who wished to claim kindred or association with the deceased take him said in a tone and attitude of command unusual to her when suddenly that she had neither home nor shelter in that vast city nor means of either she wrung her hands with an exclamation of s and distraction which made the police press near to her i the minister s and question her about her residence and her name thus though prepared in some measure for her great calamity was entirely overcome by the lesser besides which her mighty grief was sacred in itself it was also one in which that gazing crowd had nothing in and therefore she had locked it in her heart scarcely conscious of its real magnitude and waiting only for the time when she might be alone to ascertain its full extent but the sudden sense of poverty and loneliness which came upon her with the conviction that she had not where to bury her dead was what she was wholly un for and was her distress and such er inability to devise any means to relieve her melancholy that suspicions ran among the crowd of her not being quite herself and strange stories were soon set afloat about her with the young man who had been drowned all these however even had they reached the ear of would have affected her but little so deeply was her attention absorbed in the means which public benevolence employed for the restoration of her brother s life but in vain she laid her hand upon the senseless breast upon the brow the temples and the cheek in vain she bent over that once beautiful countenance and tried to persuade herself that some movement was in the muscles of the face and that a warmth like that of life still lingered about the heart the truth was too evident to admit of a doubt in any mind but hers that the high and spirit which once that manly form had left its earthly for ever there are certain individuals with whom we habitually connect ideas of sickness and decay and death if the wind blows coldly we single them out as objects of especial anxiety and after we have been separated from them for a while we scarcely dare inquire of their relatives about their health lest they should be dead but on the other hand there s are those whom we are e j disposed to from ail suspicion of bodily danger we see that they may and do nm a thousand risks with regard to prudence economy and general esteem but of their health we never think and their death h in the course of nature it must come at last appears to be an event so far beyond the date of our own that it scarcely a place in our calculations of this class of beings had been and even those who loved him best had seldom had to with a single fear relating to his precious life he was so full of health so blooming so beau said to herself one day as she was hastening on one of those long walks in with her occupation which in this instance she had been permitted to take in order that the change of air from	41
the centre to the of london do her good and her of some portion of that sorrow which the lady to whose employment she had bound herself often told her was well enough for a day or two but that there was no reason in crying for a week grief this sage would often say is of no use it can not bring hack the dead and besides what was of importance to her it the sight she had had two or three young women she told who had quite spoiled their eyes by so that they were of no use to her at all and no matter where they set up would never succeed in their profession and yet used to be perpetually saying to herself he was so beautiful and when she traced the peopled ways of the great city she looked from face to face with a sick heart and almost wondered why death had not rather seized upon some of the worn and weary travellers along the same track with her and spared the treasure of her soul with her spirits oppressed by such thoughts as these which if they did not actually rise in rebellion against the will of heaven were upon a dangerous questioning of the wisdom of its thi s at last at the door which had been described to her as opening h a high wall extending between the public road and the residence and grounds of the in whose employment she was then engaged is miss at home she asked of the s who came to the door and she was soon after ushered into a dressing room adjoining the young lady s sleeping apartment where she waited for her appearance with great patience thinking of her brother all the while perhaps the more intently because the beauty of the place had struck her forcibly and because she had always been in the habit of him with elegant and superior and such as she thought him peculiarly calculated to enjoy miss was long in appearing and when she did so it was with a countenance so pallid and a step so feeble that drew back afraid lest she was upon the of an i shall be able to talk to you presently said herself and breathing yery laboriously only the effort of dressing is a little too much for me but i shall soon be better if you haye patience to wait oh don t mind me said is there anything i can get you anything i can do for you i want you said to fit me out for a long journey and she smiled in a and peculiar manner as if there was another journey which she was contemplating besides that of which she spoke a journey exclaimed for the thing seemed impossible yes it is to please my poor father that i make the attempt and you know one is no further from in another than in this but you haye kind friends to go with you asked in a tone of sympathy as unexpected as it was unusual from one m her situation s s there is my trial said the lady and now she looked really sad i have no mother no aunt nor friend to take the place of either and it is a heartless work going home to take care of one s self especially without the least hope that the effort will produce the desired effect was to ve expression to the interest she really felt m the subject of these remarks when suddenly her situation she checked herself before the words had passed her lips there was however an expression in her countenance which none could have mistaken and especially a child of nature like who real feeling and the refinement and simplicity of an heart far above the distinctions of rank or riches she y as alone too and iu and a woman and that natural yearning which her sex must ever feel to lean in the hour of weakness upon the comfort and imagined support of human sympathy rendered her peculiarly alive to those tones of tenderness in the voice of which had of en made her welcome to the sorrowful without their being aware of any particular reason why she should be so you have at least a faithful and kind attendant said with great and hesitation there a in i am in a difficulty replied miss indeed i am in difficulty every way the only person to whom i could look in this capacity has been long my father s devoted nurse and he needs her care and experience so much more than i do that i would not for the deprive him of her services but come we must begin our business for i want a general and see i have grown so slender i shall want all my things now began her operations and made herself very busy with measuring and but almost unconsciously to her s the family self there had been a of feeling in her heart which awakened so many thoughts and recollections that her tears fell fast upon her work and in spite of all her efforts to conceal them they were discovered by the quick eye of i am afraid said she at last you are in trouble your dress that you have had a recent loss perhaps the prescribed were too late in the case of your as well as in mine now almost sobbed aloud ashamed though she was to be so in her grief she felt what many have felt besides herself that it is more difficult to resist an expression of unexpected kindness than to bear the bitterest reproach or the neglect her story was soon told and told with all the simplicity of real and recent grief what was your brother s name asked i think i saw something of this accident in the	41
papers replied said i remember that name oh it was a friend of my brother s a young man who was employed in the same office i dare say it might be the same observed my brother was in an office in london oh no replied the young man whom i mean was a person of considerable expectations a gentleman she was going to say but suddenly what this would imply in with the individual before her she checked herself and went on to make further inquiries into the case to find a willing and patient listener to the praises her fond heart was perpetually upon her brother afforded poor perhaps the only happiness she had left m this world and now that death had sealed his merits with its stamp now that no act of his future life could the s high she felt a sad satisfaction in of his brilliant talents his his wit his beauty and his religion asked rather abruptly bent down her head and blushed for her feeling was that of deep and bitter shame and knowing as she did that in the thine needful her brother was so deficient she had cause for blushing and confusion of face that she could have attached so much merit to the mere of a worldly and selfish character feeling that she had touched upon a painful subject said no more except to inquire into the situation and prospects of for the idea had struck her that as she was in all probability a young person in circumstances she might be willing should her habits and character be found suitable to become the companion of her intended she therefore asked many particulars relating to her home and especially inquired for to any respectable friends of whom the necessary inquiries could be made mr of was the person in whose recommendation placed the greatest confidence and she gladly went on all those familiar places and persons whose with her own simple history gave her a feeling of honest pride especially when compared with what she could derive from her london associations and the said i am sure i have heard these names before your brother could not be the man who was thought so clever in the office of messrs he was the very same replied and he is dead exclaimed with a look almost of horror dead so suddenly and in so a manner and i who knew him well spent many an idle hour in his company merely s over the trifles of the moment and never once that i can recollect attempted to lead his to any serious consideration of the solemn realities of this life in with the next oh what a thought is this when we ourselves are the of eternity and when time is granted to us to prepare that we have away the precious moments of our past lives and perhaps condemned the light and thoughtless with whom we associated as less worthy than ourselves while we never so much as lifted a finger to point them to a better and a safer path of your brother s sins whatever they might be continued rising and advancing toward i can not feel myself wholly tell me said she holding out her hand with all the familiarity of friendship tell me whether there is anything in which i can be serviceable to you for i feel as if i had but little time remaining on this side the grave and i would fain turn that little to some account i know replied in what your kindness could be available to me and i am quite aware observed that it is scarcely delicate to speak directly of my wish to assist you in the way i have done out as i said before time presses can i then be of service in placing you in a situation more congenial to feelings blushed deeply and smiling through her tears looked like one who suddenly a prospect too blessed to be realized speak plainly and without fear said you have a plain dealing person to do with then if you would permit me to be the ion of your journey said with a trembling consciousness of her own of such a trust it would me as happy as anything in this world could make me now this proposal agreeable as it appeared to both the s t t parties owing to their peculiar circumstances was soon agreed upon and though mr argued not without reason that a much more experienced person ought to be engaged as companion to his daughter such was the impression made upon her mind by the simplicity and genuine feeling of that with the of an invalid though shown in a more than usually good natured she succeeded at in obtaining her father s consent to her plan and as the season was far advanced was requested to hasten the preparations for their journey among which a farewell visit to was of included to this visit naturally looked with a de ee of painful apprehension knowing of how httle importance she herself was to her mother s in comparison with him who was gone and she dreaded to behold the void his death had left without being able in any degree to supply his place the welcome she received from her mother how ever did much to create an impression confirmed by subsequent conversations that her mother was an altered woman since had last met by the removal of her earthly a mist appeared to have been cleared away from her mental vision while her spiritual was at the same time rendered more clear and nothing could have afforded a more affecting proof that the stroke had not been sent in vain than the patience and humility with which she submitted to her loss thus though had believed at one time that nothing	41
m this world ever could look cheering or attractive to her again there arose out of the contemplation of her mother s altered character such a constant source of satisfaction that she sometimes found herself silently rejoicing in a manner which made her almost the feeling as if it had been a of the sacred sorrow she still felt for her brother s death ths minister s family there were stirring scenes too about to among her old friends and associates and had ever a heart read to with those she loved both in their joy and their sorrow among these events the most important was that rose was about to be married to you will be very much surprised no said rose on first mentioning the subject to her friend indeed i am surprised myself he is so very different from from your brother but no matter i always thought there was a fate m it from the day we first met it was so strange that i should awake to consciousness from that shock and see him of all persons watching over me there could be no fate in it observed but what you chose to impose upon yourself and as for the strangeness of your first interview i if one of my mother s had happened to nd you senseless on the road you would not have felt to marry him how very disagreeable you can be said rose but see here and she drew forth some of her wedding dresses which from their elegance and could not help thinking would but ill accord with the character and habits of he was however still a stranger to her a man of and unknown feelings with whom she felt that it would be possible for ner to live for years without approaching nearer to intimacy or freedom of conversation to her there had always appeared something austere and stem in his and man though when he did smile which was very seldom a kind and cordial expression diffused itself over his countenance he was most rigid too in the of his religious duties though from the fact of his having n rose as the companion of his future life there was strong cause far suspicion that a certain degree of on some points might with great justice be laid to hi s family charge at all events he was of upon for while backward and reserved in conversing on religious subjects his deep feelings and strong scruples were less in the remarks he made upon others than in the of life and self denial which he imposed upon himself he is a strange said when she saw him one day laying aside his natural of character and to accommodate himself to the playful of rose was not acquainted with the important fact that the wisest of men have their weak points and that the more they themselves folly in things in general the more blindly and they follow out those of which from the strong mastery of inclination they do allow themselves to be guilty it is as if perfectly conscious they will lose credit with the world for what they are doing they determine to turn that loss to account by giving themselves wholly up to the satisfaction for it has been incurred had been a man of less feeling he might not only have escaped the folly of choosing an wife but he might have been a more consistent character in every respect but there is a wide difference between a man of no feeling and a man who hides his feelings from the world the latter will ever be a a mystery to himself and others but he will at the same time be capable of inspiring both interest and affection which the other will not not help sometimes that deeply as he had fallen into that state which is called being in love had secret suspicions that his affections were not wisely placed she thought too that he sometimes looked at her as if on the point of speaking more than he had ever yet done and that he sought her society though from the silent walks they took together it s would hare been difficult to a reason for his doing so that they were left alone together for the whole of one rainy evening in the old parlor at said he at last after clearing his voice many times and it was the first time he had addressed by her name it is a very important step he continued which i am about to it is so said to encourage him by her sympathy yet it is one upon which many venture without having occasion to repent of it but if they do repent said he and he spoke with a voice at once so deep and so full of emotion that looked up involuntarily to see whether he was the individual with whom she had been conversing on indifferent subjects a moment before startled as she was at the expression of his countenance as well as at the tones of his voice endeavored to him by common place observations for in fact she knew not what else to say rose is young i am afraid she is thoughtless said yet she has been brought up observed there is my confidence said her from the order and regularity of her father s house she will be in some measure prepared for mine but her father allows of many observed to which you are true and i must not have the rules of my household in any way interfered with i may be mistaken in my views but so far as i see them to be right i am determined they be carried out poor rose said involuntarily why poor asked the man very naturally who thought he was about to make her she is but a child	41
in experience said s she has a kind mother she has never heen subjected to much discipline of any kind least of all to self discipline you may break her light spirit but i fear there must be some concession on your part before you can bend it to your will may i ask if she clearly understands your views and is made fully acquainted with your habits she is and she in all your plans oh yes with the most amiable compliance the fact was poor rose was generally thinking of something else either of her dresses or of the time of her marriage or of some trifle connected with the important change she was about to make when these plans were the subject of conversation between her and her lover and if she ever gave them a moment s consideration it was to be dismissed on the instant with the comfortable conviction that once in ber new situation as mistress of one half of her amusement would consist in bending the grave man who was the present master there to her more sovereign will thus she felt no apprehension whatever about the strict rules of his house for even with regard to her continuing to take those customary which her mother and her friends so essential to her health she firmly believed there would be no difficulty as it was impossible for her to conceive how a man who really loved her should object to her having the common nay even the necessaries of life it was therefore by passing the subject thus lightly over that the two parties were supposed to be to each other rather than by a clear and full explanation of its nature and and thus an actual agreement of opinion or by an entire concession on one side to the superior judgment of other it might te impertinent to ask how many married persons have discovered on from a dream like this that a clearer ex s and a more of the truth before the knot was tied might have saved them from a which ever afterward produced as little sympathy as satisfaction still in the case of rose as in others the preparations went on and the time drew near without either party discovering th t had scarcely a thought or a feeling in common with the other for love in one instance and vanity in the other had been equally busy in blinding the eyes of both b chapter vi the public career of arthur had been more successful than could have been by the friends who were associated with his early years and who knew the difficulties which his and his habits of abstraction and reserve con presented in the of his advancement in usefulness as an active member of the great human family there seemed however as if by a sudden outburst of natural and feeling to have been a barrier broken down between him and society at large and wherever the eloquent language of his heart had been poured forth in the public of a noble cause an impression had been made in his favor so strong that he was immediately surrounded by friends and from bein an absolute stranger he was accustomed to find himself suddenly translated into the bosom of hospitable and sometimes of noble families where in the midst of a brilliant circle his voice alone was listened to while his wishes were consulted and his plans were made the rule of action to all who moved within the sphere of his influence that all this and all this homage brought with it a heavy and constant tax upon his time his energies and even upon his bodily strength was but too evident from his pale and haggard cheek the restless fire of his dark but sunken eyes and the feverish anxiety of his whole countenance it is the plague of intellectual distinction that great expectations are always raised and in no case is this more s felt than in that of the popular speaker he author who writes in private may fly from the whom he has failed to please hut the multitude who flock to hear an eloquent speaker must be delighted or disappointed then and there and arthur felt all this not only too painfully for his peace of mind but also for his health and often it was that with feeble knees and throbbing temples he ascended the steps of that elevated spot whence he used to look down upon his audience and ask with fear and trembling how shall this multitude be fed it is probable that in the simplicity of his heart for his was a character which still remained in a great degree he would have continued to look for strength in his weakness to that source alone whence all real strength is derived but that kind and experienced friends who were careful and anxious for the preservation of his health persuaded him that extraordinary like his demanded an extraordinary supply of which they most forced upon him in the form of refreshment and support while glad of anything which gave him nerve for the moment he accepted freely and the offered draught believing there was no other means of that craving of the body and that sinking of the soul to which he was becoming liable he found too that the good men with whom he associated were in the habit of keeping up their strength as they supposed by the same means one assured him that he lost his voice without the use of these means another that he could not sleep after much speaking unless he had recourse to the same remedy a third that he was unable to get through three services in the day and a fourth that he had no other way of keeping ofi a painful attack to which he was peculiarly liable it was however a curious	41
fact and still more curious that it escaped the notice of arthur that of these four s fault men who freely used the medicine prescribed the first even with the use of such means had scarcely any voice at all the second was incapable of the sleep he sought by these means to procure the third always suffered severely from three a day and the fourth had about as many as his constitution could endure so that one would have supposed they would each and all have been rather inclined to change their way of life than to maintain that the system they pursued was the best that could possibly be adopted for them and so it is almost universally with those who advocate the use of artificial on the score of health oh says the man who can scarcely speak for a violent fit of my h is so bad if i ah says another this system of starvation may do for you but for one whose is like mine there is no other way of keeping up the functions of the body while another vou that but for the which shake her constitution she should be able to live as you do but to return to our story arthur was one evening returning from a public meeting the throbbing of his head and heart rendered violent by the which had been administered to him when a note was put into his hand him to visit an invalid lady who was a stranger in that place and stating she wished to see him in the capacity of a spiritual friend the small town at which he was then visiting was on the southern coast of england one of those often resorted to by the sick and the suffering to whom the of a longer journey would be a risk too great to he was therefore not surprised at the request and hastened on the morning to the place of appointment perhaps with more alacrity because the name had a secret charm to him as connecting the present with the past though the possibility of there being any family tie the s between the parties was what he scarcely dared to hope the residence of the invalid lady to which he had been directed was situated on a gentle where a green hill richly covered at the summit by trees of the most luxuriant vegetation gradually down toward the sea not so distant but that the sound of its constant waves could just be heard as they fell with regular motion upon the rocky shore the cottage itself for it was one of those small but elegant to which no other name could be given was completely in a beautiful among which the red of the mountain ash and the crimson of the fading showed that the chilly breath of autumn though softened in its influence had breathed even here the sad tidings that winter and decay were close at hand the monthly rose however still in all its beauty about the porch and the work which the windows and but for the symptoms already mentioned of the year s sad fall you might have imagined that perpetual summer smiled in those delicious regions so mild and genial was the atmosphere so soft and the aspect and of nature all around occupied by a train of reflections which had little to do with the scene upon he gazed arthur entered the house and was ushered into the sick room without noticing the female attendant who met him at the door he had even seated himself by the couch of the invalid before the idea flashed across his mind that he must have seen both the suffering lady and her companion before the invalid kept her handkerchief so closely pressed to her lips the upper part of the face alone was visible and though her eyes were such as could not easily be mistaken they had become so large and languid as to retain but little of their former character tbe miss said a which made him start is strictly by her medical attend ant from speaking to any one i must therefore be the of her wishes but first allow me to speak for myself and the mystery in which i see you are entangled by simply telling you that i am your old neighbor at impossible exclaimed arthur yet holding out his hand with the most cordial expression of friendly recognition you are i see my sister s friend but how came you here for i feel like one dreaming softly said lifting up her finger in the attitude of caution and arthur turning to the invalid saw that a bright rose colored had spread itself all over her cheeks and forehead it was no time for thoughts or words on indifferent subjects and in compliance with a sign which the herself had made the bible which lay upon the table was opened and a prayer was breathed by the side of her couch which if less eloquent than might have been expected from those lips wanted not the impress of deep and fervent feeling this solemn service ended arthur felt that it would be most prudent as well as most kind for him to retire but he could not leave the house without obtaining from a full and satisfactory explanation of the circumstances connected with his visit said he when her simple story was concluded and at the same time laying his hand upon her arm as he spoke as you value your own life you must cherish and protect that precious one committed to your charge perhaps you do not know its real value as i do who have seen her in her father s home oh do not tell me that said no one can admire this excellent young lady more than i s do her kind her you must not let	41
then sinks the weary soul and not even the contemplation of heaven full as it is of i thb s nor hosts of with the at head attraction or power or to raise the above the suffering so as to make it at such seasons rejoice these then are the trials of a sick couch how far beyond the sufferings of the body which are so generally painful as the latter state may be to bear i think i should prefer it with the greater degree of clear by which it is accompanied to that heated hurried state of feeling in which i can neither distinguish right from wrong nor feel the preference i ought even where i can see distinction now tell me you who are a minister of the gospel you who are called to the of a eat and noble cause tell me whether there are not times when your own mind is heated and hurried beyond its powers of perception when the voice of conscience is only like one among a multitude of sounds when the aspect of divine truth bright though it be is of uncertain character when the shifting scenes of the present life mix themselves up with what is pure and fixed and eternal and worse than all when even if the understanding the affections are so that they fail to reject what is evil and to with attachment to what is good have you known anything of this state the speaker went on to ask with a voice so solemn that it seemed to be awakened from the grave i have replied arthur meekly i will not ask she continued whether the fever of the soul which you have felt is self imposed i will not ask whether it has its seasons of depression of languor of without the energy to ask for help but oh if it be anything like shake it from vou while have the power and do not let one of the heaviest which a righteous judgment can inflict that of a darkened conscience and a mind oh do not let this she s calamity be self imposed lest it should seal your doom and shut you out from mercy for ever scarcely had uttered these words when she sunk back on her pillow so completely exhausted that arthur felt it would not only be but useless to urge any further explanation of a subject which still remained a mystery to him could it be he asked himself a thousand times that good men of every class and in society not only allowed but encouraged to a certain extent in what he had never for one moment of his whole life suspected to be and yet that the habit innocent as he believed it to be so impress the mind of one standing as it were upon the borders of that a voice as if from the grave seemed to have been sent to warn him of a danger he had never until that moment been aware of either on one side or the other there must be a serious mistake serious indeed if he and his had hitherto been in the wrong bewildered by the consideration of an which had never before occupied his attention arthur entered into a strict examination of his own feelings and habitual state of mind the result of which was a conviction that he did almost always labor under alternate fits either of excitement or depression that his mental vision was far indeed from clear and that his spiritual life was uncertain as the flickering of a flame just brought into occasional existence by the stirring up of embers he recalled and alas how much of his past experience had been of this nature seasons in which his mind had been so clouded that he was compelled to do the utmost violence to his of and depression in order to out the least portion of intellectual energy and yet in the position he maintained where every was a duty and every duty an how often had he forced himself on by the of renewed and stood up before the multitude not knowing the s what he should say yet in that peculiar state when by the of his senses he had ceased to care and it is precisely this ceasing to care which the secret oi the strength supposed to be derived from any artificial the man who drinks the draught to his pain is still the victim of the same disease though he heed sit not and he who his mental suffering in the social bowl bears still the burden of his misery though for a moment he may cease to feel its weight it is the same in a more moderate degree even to the smallest of that excitement which the draught produces its first upon the mind and that which many a good and worthy person has experienced is a of ceasing to care and it is this most especially which the christian s temptation and his why should he wish in any degree even the very smallest to cease to care to cease to feel that the of a righteous judge are upon him oh better a thousand times more welcome and more to the soul are the of mental or even of bodily suffering than that of the faculties of perception and judgment with that extraordinary and of the powers of action which are sure to be produced by a frequent repetition of the most popular means of restoring ed nature and strength i will make the experiment said arthur suddenly starting from his seat one day after he had been meditating for some time alone she may yet live and if i have no other upon her i ma speak of this for to her voice alone her voice against the many i owe it that i	41
make the trial although important in principle it had seemed to arthur but a in action to make the experiment upon which he was resolved but none can ever know the power of habit and of this habit in particular until they determine upon laying it aside to be mastered i s by a mere bodily was the last and the lowest degradation of which arthur could hare believed himself capable and yet how was it a want an aching want was upon him in his hours of loneliness in his seasons of exertion when kind and social friends were around him and when he stood a solitary stranger in the midst of an expecting crowd he had chosen too to combat with his enemy at a time when he labored under peculiar the impression made upon his heart by the slight intercourse established between him and in her father s house had been deeper than he was willing to believe in vain he had struggled against this impression supposing as he did that he was entirely forgotten or remembered only with indifference by one who filled not only all his vacant but whose image forced itself upon him to the of almost every other what then must have been the upon his mind of their second and sad meeting unexpected as it was to him with the grave just opening by the side of that beloved and cherished one for whose life he would willingly have offered up his own and yet capable as arthur was of feeling in their utmost all these emotions he was compelled to forth into the world when his chosen place would have been beside that couch of suffering or even at the door of that silent cottage guarding it from the intrusion of steps less gentle than his own he was compelled to play an animated part in society to to arouse and to convince of truths of which his own heart had almost ceased to feel the force it was indeed a season of peculiar temptation yet for some days he had maintained his resolution arthur had been under the necessity of removing to a very different scene of action from that which permitted him the melancholy satisfaction of visiting or at least of hearing every day and almost every hour of the varying state of thb s r her health he was now in the midst of a brilliant circle the of a distinguished and noble lady who had filled her house with in compliment to the young orator who she doubted not would enjoy the conspicuous place she had thus enabled him to fill absent restless and impatient arthur was however far from bein the sort of person upon whom she had expected to bestow the favor of her smiles he saw her disappointment and that of her guests and he knew exactly what would give him the kind of he so much wanted to raise his spirits to a level with their expectations what he do the of the first day was on the score of bodily fatigue after a long journey he resolved to wait until the next when a much wished for letter would arrive from and perhaps decide his fate so far as death might set its awful seal upon the future the following morning was appointed for a public meeting the lady whose arthur then was being a liberal patron of the cause he was pledged to advocate and again the speaker was excused on the score of anticipated duty he was also permitted to spend much of his time undisturbed in an apartment appropriated to his use and here he awaited the arrival of the messenger who had been sent for letters to the neighboring town the servant was long in coming time glided on arthur laid his watch upon the table and paced to and fro in the room as little of the speech he was about to make as of the transactions which might at that moment be place in another planet the hour was now struck hy the great clock in the court yard of the noble mansion carriages had been rolling to and from the door for some time loud voices oi greeting and expectation were heard in the adjoining apartment a gentle tap at the door and a silvery voice announced to him that the company were waiting at that moment a servant brought the letters there was one from sealed with a black seal arthur struck his the s fault brow with a violence which made the who had not yet retired look round may we come in asked the lady of the house and a rush and a were heard among her friends as some ladies peeped past her to steal a glimpse of man who had delighted the whole school at which their minds had received such wide may we come in asked the lady of the house again and arthur was obliged to answer yes for they had already forced an entrance and the process of introduction had already begun before he was capable of had he been asked so much as his own name i am sure mr is not well to day whispered one of the guests how he looks observed another we shall hear nothing worth coming for to day said a third and the lady herself taking very serious alarm lest the whole affair should prove a failure pressed upon him every kind of cordial and revival which her could supply it was indeed a moment of temptation to arthur but still he kept his resolution for he had determined that until he heard of s death it should be held of this fact he was still the company so pressed upon him besides which the letter itself was so sacred that he would not if he could have opened it before so many indifferent eyes he therefore walked forward more	41
like a moving statue than a living man nor was his mind so wholly absorbed but that his ear caught as he passed by occasional expressions of disappointment while his eye glanced round upon the many faces whose anxious looks were fixed upon his own all expressive of wonder as to whether the result of the meeting would be vexation or delight the worst of arthur were more than realized that day on ascending the platform whence he looked down upon a crowd of tbe s expectant faces he felt not at that moment of a single idea but as if he had possessed one in his whole life the cause he had come to advocate what was it to him the great and distinguished personages by whom he was surrounded who were they popularity applause the natural triumph of prejudice and brought others to think and feel in a manner they had never done before what were all these but as the air that blew past him or the dust beneath his feet he had no thought no feeling but for that one mystery that page which was still a fearful blank up at intervals it seemed to him with dark passages from the gloomy grave impossible as it was for arthur to speak with his accustomed eloquence under such circumstances so familiar was the of the cause he was engaged to advocate that he had not only begun his speech in a manner neither nor in anyway disgraceful but had actually occupied the attention of the audience for half an hour before he clearly discovered the humiliating fact that a spirit of restlessness and dissatisfaction was itself among the numbers there no longer was that breathless and almost startling pause perceived before the up of the evidence he had to establish the truth of his not now as on former occasions were fair faces discovered with tears not now were bright eyes fixed upon his countenance whose very light seemed to throw a lustre of their own upon all he said instead of these strong evidences of deep and living interest there was an increasing among the fair sex in particular ladies lent each other their and bottles and some even encouraged a which did not come so as to furnish them with a plea for retiring altogether from the scene watches were also taken out and referred to with apparent anxiety while were detected here and there not only in their suppressed and na s state but in that full stage of maturity sets at defiance all concealment alas for the popular speaker who in the midst of his is made sensible of all this and arthur was one to feel it in the extreme he knew too what would have given him to dash as it were with one bold effort into this sea of difficulties and overcome them wave by wave he repented not he was not only firm in act but him in purpose ana in thought and he retired from the platform that night to meet the tender solicitude of his friends on his behalf and to hear the half suppressed murmurs of disappointment which seemed to float like a malignant air in the very atmosphere he breathed determined that come what he would be true in that one point on which he had secretly pledged himself to her who for anything he knew to the contrary might already be numbered among the spirits of the not until he reached his own room that night did arthur break the seal of his letter he could have done it before but dreaded the state of mind into which he might be plunged by its contents such however was the that letter contained that it would have been well for the credit of his eloquence had he made himself with it before the black seal which had occasioned him such fearful was the of the sorrow and the loss which the writer had herself experienced was better decidedly better so much so that it was supposed she might with great care be able in a few weeks to bear the change to a more distant and congenial climate i will see her before she leaves england exclaimed arthur after he had read the letter for the third or fourth time and this one resolution added to the cheering intelligence he had received would have him at that moment feeling and strength and nerve to have addressed and thb s the attention of a multitude extending to the utmost boundary of the space his clear and musical was wont to fill days had not elapsed before arthur pi it in his determination of seeing ut his heart failed him as to the chief object of his when he saw how far she was yet from that stage of to which in his sanguine she had already been restored arthur was capable of but to haye acted with or want of feeling would haye been foreign to his nature it was not possible therefore under present circumstances for him to speak as he had of the real nature of his feelings yet to allow to go abroad perhaps for years himself occupied and so widely separated from any path she was likely to pursue without giving her some idea of the hold he had upon his affections seemed altogether impossible and so the subject grew between them as it does on such occasions when out of the very fulness of the heart the mouth gives utterance to the pure and simple truth and beautiful and touching is the truth when thus developed springing like a sweet flower out of the soil might have long concealed the precious but for the harmonious combination of light and and genial airs which forced it into life and sad yet sweet it was to see that sensitive and deep woman refined by her long	41
suffering into an existence scarcely more or less than spiritual her color with marble on her hollow cheek her tears and her smiles chasing back each other to their different fountains all that was human in her nature yielding to the irresistible conviction that she was beloved and consequently clinging oh how fondly to a world in which love is too often but a all that was all that was all that was devoted with single purpose to the interests of the world to come the bearing her at one moment high above the bondage of every earthly tie at the next convincing her that from the affectionate and soothing intercourse of hi man fellowship she must in a great measure be shut out and strange to say that with the true weakness of a woman the heart of over this as if earth was too full of happiness to leave or as if she herself was too young to die it was but for a moment however a short but troubled moment that those emotions for mastery in her mind with a strong and sudden effort she roused herself and holding out her hand to arthur she implored him to leave her and to leave her soon the more i am capable of feeling she said the more it is my duty to check those feelings in their earliest stage which might involve the happiness of another with my own it is enough for a poor frail mortal to be kept suspended between life and death as i have been of late it would be cruel to make this world more dear to one whose thoughts should be of leaving it for ever the kindest thing you can now do is to separate yourself from me i will not talk in the usual way of friendship and of and intercourse you will hear of me from our mutual friend and whether i live or die i will be no tie to you farewell then when you think of me think also of some things i said to you before our acquaintance assumed its present character s chapter vn a lost of the enjoyment he had once experienced in public applause when left her country which she did a few weeks after the interview already described he lost also some degree of the interest he had once felt in almost all the subjects which had previously occupied his attention but he did not lose with this his power of commanding the attention of others never except on the occasion of the letter did his public exertions produce absolute disappointment for he soon found that there is a deeper and more spirit stirring excitement in the simple of a ood cause than was ever yet the consequence ot mere animal tion he was therefore true to the rule of life his friend had recommended and never had occasion to repent of its or severity for if on one occasion he felt less animation less fire or less tumult in his veins on a thousand be felt less exhaustion and less depression than before thus his spirits were more his powers both of mind and body were more his own while his spiritual life was more vigorous and intense in all its purposes and all its views it was on a pleasant summer s evening that arthur having come on a visit to his father walked over to to see his sister rose for the first time after her marriage there there is always a satisfaction in seeing a young relative provided for and protected for life which gives cheerfulness to the with s family which we meet them for the time these circumstances rose not been prepared to expect her brother on that particular day and therefore it was not owing to any want of hospitality in her that she did not meet him at the door but still he thought her long in coming as he sat in the old parlor alone to the bright vision he should see when smiling a sister s welcome she would receive him as a guest in her own house and rose did smile when she entered and she was dressed with so much taste and elegance that the of lace and with pink flowers and light made up altogether such a picture of that he scarcely noticed how soon the smile had faded away upon her lips or the bloom upon her cheeks had given place to the roses by which they were surrounded there is sometimes a strange blank between and even friends who have not met for a long time each wishing to look into the mind of the other before they speak yet each feeling the necessity of saying something without knowing what rose had an ease of manner and facility of expression which surmounted this difficulty by commonplace for the familiar conversation of a brother and a sister who had subjects of deep interest to discuss yet pleasantly as she might have made the time pass away had they been mere ac met for a morning s call arthur felt the coldness of the blank the by which he was thus set at a distance more than if her manner had conveyed an absolute i suppose i shall see said he at last ra ther weary of his sister s chat which brought them no nearer than if they had not met he will be in to dinner replied rose and her countenance fell he is very much engaged i dare say observed arthur s family very much said rose coldly and it seemed to be a relief to both that was at that moment announced the master of the house now entered his welcome though formal had more heart in it than that of rose and his always sensible and intelligent though seldom familiar had no forced to and consequently was an improvement upon	41

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