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no longer rises on the view and his towering summit pointing to the sky the deep that cross and his rugged sides like the foot prints of the retiring the light upon his golden brow and the dark shadows that lie beneath like the frown of a mighty monarch whose will is life or death all these have passed away from thought and memory and a tiny of stone a grain of granite remains in the hand of the modern philosopher as his sole memorial of a mountain or when he the and strains his eye to count uie stars his labours cease a dim line of light begins to mark out the eastern horizon and one after another the stars retire before the brighter radiance of ascending day like guardian angels who have watched the wanderer through his dark and and earthly way their faithful trust before the gates of heaven but the mere man of science into his closet and out the in separate spots better satisfied to have ascertained the perceptible number of stars in any given section of the than to have felt their light their glory and their magnificence and ruling over the midnight world we repeat that no mind can be poetical whose exercise is confined to mere physical observation and whose sphere of action all those modes of receiving and retaining impressions which are either immediately or connected with the feelings the passions and the affections the nature of our being admits of two important distinctions physical and moral and it is the great merit of poetry that it an le bond of union between the two we could not have been sensible of the nature of good and evil but for our capacity of receiving pleasure and it is thus we learn to love whatever is to our happiness to hate or avoid whatever is productive of pain and it is this love or this hatred extending though an number of degrees and which the very essence of poetry and which were poetry struck out from the world would along with it and leave us nothing but a mere existence with the attributes of an and eternal life it may be a subject of something more than curiosity to ask what the world would be without poetry in the first place we must strike out b from the visible creation and love from the soul of man we must all that has been devised for ornament or delight without a bodily and material use we should no longer need a centre of light and glory to the world but the same principle of light uniformly without reflection and without shadow would supply the practical of man the moon might hide her radiance and the stars might vanish or remain only as spots of black upon a dusky sky to guide the nightly traveller and lead the adventurous bark across the sea half the of the woods might their wings for an eternal flight and the rest might cease from their music and let the woods be still rivers and running streams might glide on without a ripple or a murmur reflecting no sunshine nothing to the harmony of nature and the ocean might lie beneath a heaven without clouds or colour stretched out in the repose of never ending sleep the trees might rear their massive trunks without their leafy mantle of varied green the flowers might bow their heads and die and the wild weeds of the wilderness that themselves into a carpet of rich and varied beauty might perish from the earth and leave its surface barren and of animal life the beasts of burden and the victims of man s appetite would remain while in man himself we must his and render void his capacity to admire and having the creation to a uniform correspondence with his earthly and nature we must leave him to the exercise of his first to see without beholding conclusion i beauty to hear without harmony from discord or to distinguish without preference to esteem the of the pool as delicate an as the perfume of the rose to taste without regard to and to feel with equal indifference the pillow or the rude couch where the hardy peasant seeks repose then in the higher regions of his mental faculties to observe without any sense of to calculate without arriving at an idea of to measure without reference to space to resist without forming a conception of absolute power to build without reflecting upon duration to pull down without looking forward to and in the vacant sphere of passion and affection to receive benefits and remain insensible to favour to stand on the brink of destruction without terror to await the result of experiment without hope to meet without pleasure to part without and to live on with the same of existence without emotion not idle for that would imply a sense of the pain of labour and the pleasure of repose but perpetually active yet active without desire such would be the world and such the condition of were all that to the nature of poetry extinct were it possible to the dark features of this gloomy picture into a small compass it would be in the simple idea of the of beauty from nature or of the perception of beauty from the soul of man beauty is not necessary to our bodily existence nature would afford the same support did we look upon her varied character with a total absence of all sense of admiration why then is this charm diffused through all creation its essence so mingled with man s nature that where he finds food for admiration he finds intellectual enjoyment and where he finds it not he for it as for a fountain of excellence until he works | 41 |
his way through difficulty and dangers to even in the smallest measure of its inexhaustible supply of pure and natural refreshment that this desire for beauty forms a part of the constitution of man is sufficiently proved by his still following the same principle in art he ceased to recognise it m nature as the for bodily enjoyment are multiplied improved and refined man becomes luxurious and artificial in his habits he from all familiar acquaintance with natural things and himself with all that is curious in human invention and exquisite in the work of human hands but still the principles of beauty derived from external nature pursue the slave of art and he studies how to imitate the variety the splendour and the magnificence which the meanest peasant may enjoy in greater perfection without invention and without price perception of beauty is one of the most decided characteristics by which man is distinguished from the brute we discover no symptoms of admiration in animals of a lower grade than ourselves the no deference from the splendour of his nor the swan from her snow white feathers and the fields in their summer bloom attract no more than as their sweets the insect tribe who in their turn are followed by their foes to man alone belongs the of beauty because admiration is graciously designed as the means of leading him on to moral excellence there are philosophers who argue the existence of positive enjoyment i am ignorant and i feel no anxiety to learn what they can say to prove that admiration true admiration by the remotest touch of envy is not positive enjoyment that when the soul with a conception of excellence unseen unknown before of excellence not merely as it relates to fitness physical purposes but of that which the principles of intellectual beauty with the attributes of our moral nature excellence which leads us into a new world of thought to in fields of glory and to drink of the waters of it knows no positive enjoyment for never was the enlightened mind excited to the highest sense of admiration without feeling an extension of being beyond the narrow limits of mortal life and this naturally us into a sphere of felicity hence arise the different heavens which mankind have con j the poetry op life for themselves out of the materials of earthly and hence our internal evidence of the belief that the true heaven promised to the faithful will comprehend all that we pine for of happiness all that we admire of beauty and more than all that we can conceive of excellence this intense perception of beauty this tribute of the heart to excellence this admiration of physical and thence of moral g which the mind with the noblest aims is so nearly allied to poetic feeling that we whether one could exist without the other and if the of poetic be of a capacity of admiration we have to look not only to the character of our literature but of our taste and our morals nor is this view of the subject too widely extended to be supported by reason since the first step to improvement is to admire what im better the nearest approach to perfection to admire all things worthy in their true proportion and to admire that most which is good is it then a thing of importance that we should cease to admire that we should lose not only the most brilliant portion of our literature but the happiest of our existence we have observed what a void would be left in the natural world by the of poetic feeling we have now to consider what a void would be left in the world of letters by the absence of poetry as an art we must not only seal up the fountain from whence flows the melody that has softened down the of our own passions but turning to the page of history and tracing back the of civilization with poetry we must strike out from the world the influence of the mighty genius of in the manners of a barbarous people in to posterity a faithful record of their national and character and in in other minds the sparks of genius from that ancient period down to the present time and if the influence of this single poet be to establish the general importance of poetry we have that of other poets inferior perhaps in their individual power but importance from their number and the greater facility with which their influence has been it may be answered that we have still the works of these poets to refer to for amusement and instruction and are we to rest in this low and languid satisfaction which extends to nothing but our poetry we have the same of life which belonged to our forefathers are we satisfied with them the same use of machinery are we satisfied with that we have the same knowledge of the surface of the globe we can count the same number of stars and class the same kinds of animals and plants and are we satisfied we have the same knowledge of and and yet we are not satisfied no the principle of improvement the desire of progress extends through every manual occupation through every branch of science and through every variety of art and leaves the region of poetry a void for future ages to wonder at and despise it is our ambition to impress upon the page of history the advance t has been made in every other field of intellectual operation but we are satisfied that history should record a time when the genius the english nation cast ofi the wreath of and trampled her brightest glories in the dust when the of these once melodious was and when the march of britain s mind was by | 41 |
a reader also has seven children a sick and two idle servants and that half her days are spent in or receiving the felicity of morning calls when we add to this the of the same individuals to three or four for the benefit of their children as well as of themselves and the necessity of glancing through all the books that fall into the hands of their boys and girls bu above all when we turn over the pile of books look at their titles and see a on the characteristics of mind a key to paper the lives of all the heroes general observations on the visible creation system of detailed remains interior of the earth explained london and its inhabitants of the creed the world at one view with voyages and travels to every section of the earth s surface when we consider all this we can only wonder at the prodigious compass of the minds of those who imagine it possible for them to read mark and pro the contents of these books within the stated period allowed for perusal and still more we wonder at hearing it asserted that they have been read it is not necessary to ask what definite impressions we receive from this style of reading which is indeed a mockery of that vital in the elements of another and a more enlightened mind whose influence is to raise that of the reader almost to a level with the author leaving behind it when the book is closed a freshness a vigour and a capacity of production like that which follows the retiring waters of a rich and stream when the best mode of an evil is beyond our reach we naturally and wisely adopt the next best thus instead of allowing our ideas to be diffused and rendered indefinite by this overwhelming tide of literature if we cannot gain more time for reading nor our by a fresh we should do well to read books attentively thoughtfully and and what if we do go into society wholly ignorant even of the names of others we may perform the useful part of listeners and shall no more sacrifice our claim to intellectual merit by such ignorance than we shall our title to the admiration to personal by not wearing a specimen of every every stage of as well as every condition of civilized society is marked by some strong characteristics which indicate the prevailing and national tone of manners and morals as well as what are the chief objects of intellectual pursuit by conversation we obtain the most immediate and by literature the most profound knowledge of what these characteristics are and what they we should say in familiar language that was the order of the present day and such unquestionably should be the aim of every well directed mind but there is a physical and moral utility connected with the two distinctions of our nature and it is a subject of no small importance to inquire which of these distinct portions of our being is most productive of happiness and consequently mo t worthy of cultivation the utility to which we now generally appeal in the value of our own or those of the rest of mankind is chiefly confined to physical advantages and by material agency the utility which ought to be the ultimate aim of every enlightened being all that and the mind in the now invented for the acquisition of knowledge of every kind in the increased conclusion and of letters in the afforded to individual by public institutions and societies of every description for the and of talent we see the means by which the nature and condition of man is to be improved but if we limit our views to these means and rest satisfied with the oc and activity necessarily accompanying the of knowledge we shall never behold the desirable end the of wisdom which we understand to mean the application of knowledge so as to produce the greatest sum of moral good that knowledge is not happiness we are taught by the experience of our own hearts by the observation of every day and by the record of the king of who knew and felt perhaps more deeply than any other man the and destructive conflict of high intellectual powers at war with passions and an will the cultivation of the intellectual faculties can only lead us to a knowledge of the nature of things generally it cannot inspire us with an ardent desire to appropriate some and to avoid others unless as some philosophers maintain we only need to know what is best and our preference for it will follow as a necessary consequence it may be a weak and certainly it is a womanly mode of reasoning to that we must be taught not only to know but to lave what is best because desire arises entirely out of a moral as knowledge arises out of an intellectual process it arises in fact out of our early impressions of pleasure and pain and is so distinct from a knowledge f the quality of the thing desired as not to be at with our judgment and to lead us in pursuit of what we know to be of ultimate good hence arise all the errors committed by mankind errors so evident and so numerous that we can only envy the philosopher looked upon the conduct of his fellow creatures and upon his own heart yet saw and felt no desire except for what he believed to be morally excellent we are told that the errors which are arise from mistaken views of the nature of good and evil and that these views are acted upon because the good wo perceive is present and obvious while thai with which it ought to be compared is remote but when a man whose | 41 |
sole depends upon the produce of his garden preferring ease and to activity and labour suffers that garden to run to waste it is not because he is ignorant of the consequences that must but because he has learned to love the gratification of inclination more than any other thing and therefore he to obtain it at any risk the fact is that in such cases our mental calculations are generally more numerous and more correct than we are willing tu acknowledge to the world and while we act from the immediate impulse of desire we all conviction that we could have acted better in order to lessen our in the eyes of others the first of desire arise out of sensation long before we are capable of good and evil we feel the impressions of pleasure and pain consequently we desire to repeat the one and to avoid the other and as we are long in understanding the pleasure derived from virtue so it is long before we see the necessity of our moral nature in such a manner as to enable us willingly to sacrifice the lesser good for the greater and to love most what is best in the mean time the mind is gaining new impressions of a less and less nature and as they are accompanied with some degree of pleasure or pain the desire naturally belonging to the sensation of pleasure gains additional strength and fresh impulse it gradually the warmth and vitality of affection which us to seek certain things in preference to others perhaps more worthy of our regard and sometimes to obtain them at any cost and at the risk of any consequence as it is of infinitely more importance what we are than what we know and as our moral conduct is more influenced by what we love than by what we understand because we naturally pursue that which we love best rather than that which we know to be so so in order that our desires and consequently our affections may be properly e the poetry of life directed it is that all our connected with the nature of good and evil should be distinct and and founded upon truth and the science which leads to the proper selection and arrangement of early impressions the origin of desire the direction of the affections and consequently the formation of the moral character is that which we would earnestly recommend to the attention of the busy public as to the highest and most lasting utility it is with this view of the subject of utility that the writer of pages has dwelt so long upon the nature and importance of poetry and it may be to others but certainly not without enjoyment to herself to enforce the of poetry as an art aud of poetic feeling as a source of intellectual enjoyment upon the principle of our arising ut of our impressions of pleasure and pain there is an importance a wisdom in poetry beyond what a superficial observation would lead us to suppose it is because poetry addresses itself immediately to our feelings and appeals to the evidence of our individual impressions to its truth that it becomes a powerful engine of instruction while it and while it teaches if while we learn an important truth we have the testimony of our to confirm it how much stronger is the impression the orator whose object is to rouse the public mind to indignation and violence and active force against a tyrant or a does not merely argue upon the natural rights of man and the principles of law and justice but he calls the attention of the people to their ruined homes to their desolate and draws pictures of the hunger and want and misery with which they are too we have a striking instance of the difference between addressing tlie judgment and addressing the feelings in the two on the death of delivered by and mark whose noble mind all appeals at once to the wisdom of the people and the deed he has just committed by dwelling upon one single stain in s character his ambition but who in tliat crowd regarded s ambition unless it touched himself the of was capable of in the ambition of one man an enemy to the many a of the rights and the liberties of the roman people but it was an evil too remote for the multitude to be impressed with and though they offered a prompt and at the moment a sincere that what had said was just and true we see how soon they could turn and listen and grow furious under the influence of that master piece of eloquence by which mark gradually led their attention away from s ambition and the remote idea they might have formed of its consequences to the bloody spectacle of his bleeding body the gaping wounds still that it was the hand of a friend a loved and trusted friend that had shed the blood in rome but yesterday the word of ar might have stood against the world now lies he there and none so poor to do him reverence lest the people should not be sufficiently excited by this spectacle by what they could all immediately understand the direct of cruelty the artful orator makes another appeal to their feelings which immediately strikes he them of s will from which they were and personally to derive benefit and then the fire he had so endeavoured to burst forth and weeping for as for a public benefactor a a god they direct the fury of their indignation against the and threaten the vengeance upon the head of this is in strict accordance with the spirit of poetry which not so much by the evidence of what we know as what we feel it required time for the to reflect | 41 |
upon the nature of ambition and even then they could not bring home its remote consequences to the conviction of their but they were impressed with horror on beholding the body of they ail felt that the friends in whom he had trusted should have been the very last to do the bloody deed and they felt also that the man who i conclusion ii r i i i i while he lived had formed those generous plans for their benefit which his will ought in liis death to be lamented and vl had not already been said to establish the fact tiiat tlie influence of poetry arises from iu with our feelings we might refer to the history of all nations in w early stages of civilization poetry has held a prominent part and why because in describing what is beautiful or refined t to happiness it has been supported by principles inherent in the human mind principles upon which are founded our impressions of pleasure and pain knowledge ih its form as it is conveyed into the mind can only instruct but poetry charms while it knowledge requires the evidence of facts and the aid of reflection and to establish its truth poetry teaches by a different process telling of others what we experience in ourselves it in the cause of truth all that we fear of evil and all tliat we desire of good and sometimes in the history of imaginary beings tlie knowledge of the principles of thought and action it remains only to add a few remarks on the subject of happiness as connected witli our condition in the present world there are rigid who regard enjoyment as a dangerous to that condition who shrinking from the idea of enjoyment as an end in itself worthy of look upon it rather as a to into hidden mischief if enjoyment is of no importance to our being we might say to our well beings why then is beauty diffused throughout creation or why is the principle of happiness derived from beauty in the soul of man what in short is the value of anything without enjoyment either immediate or remote for when we speak of or the human mind it is but in other words to speak of increasing its of enjoying that which is excellent our natural desire of enjoyment is the principle upon which we teach all moral truths we speak of particular things as to the happiness of ourselves or others and the infant mind is convinced that they are desirable from its own vivid of the sensations of pleasure when we teach a moral lesson of practical difficulty and pain it is still in the same way by comparing present suffering with greater and more lasting happiness tliat will and when one individual is to benefit by the suffering of another we point out the internal satisfaction attending all benevolent actions and the general happiness of a life of duty without enjoyment we should be without desire and without desire we should be without action we should also be without love without every good and virtuous impulse and above all we should be without gratitude for those who endeavour to teach the duty of gratitude while they withhold the of innocent enjoyment are guilty of an insult to common sense and a pre violence of the plan of providence how different is the dealing of the tor with his creatures how much has he spread before them of beauty and i how has he blessed with sweetness and harmony for which we can imagine no other purpose than that of the happiness of his dependent children and of leading them by their experience of enjoyment to desire that which is eternal for how should we form a conception of happiness having had no impression of pleasure or how should we desire it having had no of enjoyment it follows then that there is utility in being innocently happy utility of the most extensive compass and the highest character which poetry is of all our intellectual pursuits most capable of let us then no longer reject this heaven bom messenger of a more refined and spiritual existence but let us call with united voice upon our and bid them tune once more the melodious to which in early life our souls have thrilled let us enter again into the field of nature not only with eyes to examine but with hearts to feel let us back imagination to come and bear us up on her elastic wings above the elements of mere life not to separate us by the idle of fancy from the duties of rational and the poetry op life beings but to those duties with a more ethereal essence and to them with a character more sublime above all let us accept the additional source of enjoyment which poetry affords not with the of a transient indulgence as an idle for pleasant in our vacant hours but with gratitude and humble reverence towards the of every good and perfect as a rich and gracious blessing whose high purpose is to promote the intellectual happiness of man and the glory of his creator pictures op ate life bt author of of england etc old judge of the or of uke this your the of your conscience your sense of gk d or takes off the relish of in short whatever the strength and authority of your body your mind that thing yoa it may be in author s edition te in one new york j h g house j y k s o f j an apology for fiction to write a book which is intended and calculated solely for the readers of fiction and to it an apology addressed to the non readers of fiction appears somewhat j yet as a member of a religious society whose sentiments are openly and at | 41 |
with works of this description i would not oppose the peculiarities of many whom i regard with gratitude esteem and admiration without in my own some remarks upon the nature of fiction in general fiction may or may not be to the of moral instruction the following are some of to which it is most liable the of unnatural characters by the combination of such i qualities as never did never could exist in one human being and the placing such creatures of imagination in scenes and circumstances where the sympathies of our nature find no place and where the mind of the reader in order to follow them th interest must be elevated to the high pitch of absurdity and the feelings strained beyond their proper and healthy and when i add to this the of talent with which some writers have confounded the nature of good and evil making vice interesting and virtue by one with the fantastic of romance and the other of all that can please the eye or charm the senses by describing the most astonishing instances of integrity generosity and self denial as arising solely from an amiable heart without the assistance of religion or the control of good principle i am willing to allow tl at fiction has often been and is well calculated to be a most powerful engine of on the other hand a writer keeps steadily in view the development of moral truth when his characters are all of our mixed essence drawn from the scenes of every day life animated with our feelings weak with our led into our surrounded by our temptations and altogether involved in a of the same causes and which influence our lives his productions may be called but they cannot be false to me they appear at least as lawful as those of the painter and for this reason i have ventured to call my stories pictures of private life suppose for instance an artist wished to exhibit to the public a of old age perhaps he would paint an old woman in her cottage but this would not be au in order to present the idea more complete he must place before our eyes the interior of her habitation her ancient furniture the old fashioned chair on which she is resting her at her side knitting or her spinning wheel her kettle and her cat though such an old woman with her furniture such a chair spinning wheel kettle and cat never did yet the picture may be true because the idea of old age could not well be conveyed without the of the scene being thus filled up a iv an apology for fiction and in proportion as the subject is more complex the circumstances will be more studied and frequently more numerous in the same way the writer labours and for the same end with this advantage that the supposed lapse of time him an opportunity of tracing causes to their effects if for instance his subject be virtue that virtue must be tried and therefore he brings in a variety of circumstances all to one purpose virtue must be contrasted with vice and therefore other characters are introduced and made to speak and act in a manner the most opposed to the words and actions of virtue virtue when to clay must not be complete and without flaw because that would be unnatural and convey an idea of a being virtue must therefore sometimes fall away from its high purpose in order that it may learn humility and look more earnestly for the guiding hand of providence and lastly virtue must have its reward in this manner the writer is involved in a great variety of and may sometimes have the management of characters which if separately and considered would not be worth his while to various means may be employed to produce tbe same end as individuals we must all labour according to our calling some preach virtue some only practise it some make a picture of it and some a poem and some perhaps the lowest in the scale of moral teachers adorn it with the garb of fiction that it may a where it would not otherwise obtain an entrance to meet with an attentive and willing listener is no less than to find an able fiction may be compared to a key which opens many minds that would be closed against a sermon nor is it without authority in the writings of sincere zealous christians the wide range of affords innumerable subjects for instruction and delight and many a weary wanderer through the valley of the shadow of death has been cheered by the remembrance of s pilgrim but the themselves afford the highest evidence that this style of writing may be made serviceable as a means of reproof and conviction let us confine our attention to one example where can we find anything to the affecting story of the lamb had the prophet addressed the king of at once as a of the laws of virtue honour and generosity he would probably have found him so effectually defended by the pride of human nature as well as by the dignity of his office that he would have failed to reach his heart but by the simple story of the lamb he touched at once upon that of feeling which seemed ever ready to with sweetest melody in the soul of the ro and then followed that emphatic application thou art the man it is in this manner by the contemplation of ideal characters that we are sometimes led on towards conviction our feelings become softened in sympathy with theirs we unconsciously pronounce our own condemnation and conscience makes the application although willing to allow that writing is the most humble means of moral instruction i am still earnest in endeavouring to maintain its utility especially on the ground that it finds its way to | 41 |
the dense multitude who close their eyes upon the introduction of purer light happy happy is it for those whose hearts are open to receive christ as their an apology for fiction master who have learned to desire milk of the word in their and privileged the them a wide field of ending wonder and delight and a word all their into one of peace and love us look into the next stage of towards moral excellence and ve see religion hy the mists ty prejudice still worshipped hut disguised and misunderstood e lower and religion holds a disputed with the spirit of the for a small portion of the heart r still and her power and her called in question but before at that class by which her image and her institutions regard that immense mass of beings i are so imperfect whose minds so and whose feel so absorbed by the trifling of a busy world that they can hardly be said to have learned to think it is from amongst these that i have ventured to lift up my voice it is for these that i have thought and felt and written in vain might instruction be laid before them in a form their pursuit is pleasure their food excitement and since books of fiction are a kind which thousands will continue to write and of thousands to read i have endeavoured to do my little part towards with amusement some of those serious reflections which in the shifting scenes of a restless life have occupied my own mind not without earnest that i myself were amongst those are already prepared to receive truth without fiction light without clouds good without contents p fe the hall and the cottage the s widow marriage as it hat of private life the hall and the cottage a weary lot is thine fair maid a lot is thine to pluck the thorn thy brow to and press the for wine chapter i was a lady said of eighteen to her meek and i friend mary who sat of her father s cottage busily i preparing her little brothers for the coming sabbath my a lady and though she had the marry into a lower sphere she her own superiority it would have been better for id replied mary om forgetting it continued her t strove continually to impress id the importance of g her own notions of that and education which she and above all things against forming any low she make you understand in society to place yourself l clearly be made out before you you look above or below n my opinion it is one of the arising from such as r s and one which those who em must have bitterly to lament occupy a doubtful and unsettled station for if possessed of any ambition they will be perpetually struggling to establish their claim to the rank of one parent and looking down with contempt upon the other and here allow me to speak a little of my mind respecting yourself for i have thought it would be better for you if you would recollect that you are not entirely your mother s child but that you bear the name and under the protection of a plain and homely man who has always been to you a kind and indulgent father but i fear my advice is not agreeable to you excuse me replied endeavouring to look polite because she really felt angry excuse me mary if i say it is not quite agreeable not because i bear to hear the truth but because you have not the kind of tact which is requisite to render advice pleasing and excuse me if i say that i do not believe any tact can render advice pleasing to those who do not mean to follow it af er this there was a long pause between the two friends during which tried to forget what had passed while mary struggled to subdue her personal feelings so that she might speak calmly and seriously what she was determined her friend should hear i pictures op private life said she we have been long friends in infancy friends at school shall we not continue friends now that we are about to enter upon the cares of women and may need each others help but mind me friend is a serious word and ought not to be lightly used by being friends i do not mean that we are merely to walk out together and read together and hear each other s love stories no i mean that we are to stand by each other through life through evil report and good report to watch over each other for good and to speak boldly and openly yet kindly and tenderly all that we think of each other this is my notion of a friend and if you think i am so meek and low that i dare not be all this to you you are very much mistaken for i never will be humble friend to any one no not to you dearly as i love you who had advanced nearer to mary while she was speaking now with tears in her eyes her forgiveness and they parted for that night with more true love than they had felt for months before mary went in with the stockings she had and commenced the operation of washing her little brothers and sisters before they went to bed while sauntered home by moonlight musing as she went then trimmed a new bonnet for exhibition the next day and tried a new tune on her before she retired to bed where her dreams were more visionary than those which usually occupied her waking hours neither of these young persons was of the class properly called poor their fathers were both small farmers a description of people once numerous in great britain now | 41 |
his fixed and steady attention but for all that she did not completely turn away nor take any effectual measures to relieve herself from the embarrassment of her situation though anger and shame heightened the that spread itself all over her beautiful face before the service was over mary had forgotten that any strangers were at church and had forgotten every thing beside m returned home with serious thoughts to perform the duties in her domestic circle and went that with less than her alacrity to take her part as teacher in a sunday school some years ago established by the good clergyman of the parish and so supported as to need patronage from miss miss however could not the blessing of her countenance miss could find no better amusement for the sunday afternoon and thought there might be a chance of his meeting again with the fair vision of the morning the door of the school room opened looked up and from that moment she thought as little of the the and even of the bible itself as any of her little pupils here to me said miss in a tone of authority to one of the older girls who was just her attention to answer in her turn the question of the teacher come here to me and tell me if you can what took place at the building of the tower of r confusion of tongues thought the teacher and i wish it may not be come to us what a charming study exclaimed out a little curly who laughed and blushed and wondered what she meant take that you little said throwing a sixpence on the floor and buy yourself a stick instead of breaking mine then turning to a charming amusement continued he himself upon the bench beside her i wish i might be a pupil but the method he had chosen for an acquaintance was not suited to the taste of his companion it too much of the hall and the cottage to be out as a village beauty and addressed with the familiarity of town bred insolence was not the distinction at which she aimed and her wandering thoughts she assumed an air of dignity and endeavoured to resume her task the young gentleman finding he had mistaken the subject of his attentions and his sisters being equally disappointed in the party withdrew leaving the young people in wonder at their and the old at their folly and assurance chapter il i told you said to his sister the next morning i told you we should all be miserably disappointed in coming to this abominable old hall for you see we have neither field sports in the day dancing on the green in the evening nor ghosts through the corridor at night how in the name of do you mean to exist heaven only knows how pa and ma and will exist replied but for my part i am going out to sketch when the dew is off the grass and then you know lord b comes down to shoot in august and your horses come on saturday and i am sure you will let me ride again lord b is a great bore replied her brother and it always rains on the and my horses don t come till monday and you shall not ride because you always spoil her paces but come the dew is off the grass and i have bo much that is amiable in my temper just now that can afford to go out with you to sketch and cut your into the bargain provided only you will go my way the fact was the young gentleman determined if possible to see again had his first advances been received with the of a rustic it i probable that all interest about her would have ceased then and there but the look of wounded pride and delicate reserve with which she withdrew from his familiarity combined with her beauty to make a more lasting impression on his mind this is the cottage said he leading his sister up to the door of william for he had made out the night before not only s residence but much of her and the nature of her occupation but where are you leading me asked i know nothing of these people what can you possibly be going to do in this sweet cottage leave that to me said her brother leading her away from the beautiful scene on which she would gladly have staid to gaze for the cottage of william had long been the envy of the surrounding neighborhood though precisely on the same footing as the with regard to property and rank in life his house and garden had acquired during the reign of mrs an air of taste and which his daughter was equally desirous to support perhaps the chief difference in the two was that the windows of one had been made to open out upon a green lawn while those of the other terminated a little more than half the length in a broad seat on which mary used to sit and read to her father when the children were asleep and all was quiet within and without each had their parlour of high and low degree but the trod always on a carpet and had her paintings her her and her books placed with studied about the room so as to give it a totally different character from even the best parlour of the was at this moment an air which had lately caught her fancy and it with a low and simple voice which though altogether in scientific rules was sufficiently attractive from its natural sweetness to arrest the attention of the curious who having advanced to the open window stood in delighted ment gazing upon the lovely while startled by a ling amongst the leaves around the window looked up with no | 41 |
less astonishment than she had excited had there even been time to to the of the preceding day it would all have been for by the kind and polite manner in which for the intrusion he said they were strangers in search of the picturesque who had come to the assistance of miss to point out the beauties of the surrounding scenery hoping that her taste would enable them to select some subject for a sketch not altogether beyond the compass of moderate powers i am quite a added if you can assist me i shall be for ever indebted to you by this time had ushered them into her little sitting room taking up a large with just confidence enough to show her extreme devotion to the art spread before them her own beautiful and highly finished drawings of such simple and rural scenes as the country around afforded at the same time for their want of interest by saying that she had never been far from her native country or seen any of the great and magnificent features of nature for a few moments the woman gave place to the artist and she went on with enthusiasm i sometimes think that if heaven has a blessing in for me it must be that shall gaze on the blue sky of italy but the eyes of fixed upon her earnest countenance brought back every latent spark of womanly feeling and not even the expressions of his sister as she turned over the drawings could again her from the consciousness that she was a genius and a beauty in the act of entertaining high bom and fashionable guests and you paint loo exclaimed looking up at a picture in which the artist had given to the subject of one of the drawings the vivid colouring of a hand and a warm imagination that painting is not mine said yet i do paint a little though i have a pictures of private life for so short a time that i am ashamed to exhibit my productions but if you will my presumption and do not mind the litter of my room perhaps i shall be able to amuse you for a few minutes by allowing you to laugh at my barbarous attempts and saying this she led the way to a small room lighted from above where and means which her humble circumstances afforded were spread around amongst the confusion of unfinished pictures all industry and talent was a portrait of herself which immediately caught the wandering eye of oil that said blushing i know not what to say for that or how to for having spent my time upon so worthless a subject except that it is always recommended to young artists to practise upon themselves and in this instance at least i may escape the charge of vanity for in looking at that portrait i always find an if the picture your eye i will take it home with me said laying violent hands upon the treasure and tf scene ensued of laughing blushing pleading and which is not necessary to describe while who to the worst of her was only idle and superficial neither envious nor looked round with amazement at the perseverance of her new acquaintance and began to upon the amusement and benefit of her friendship for a few weeks during their stay in the country a excursion was soon proposed and did the honours of the country with so much vivacity and good nature tliat and his sister returned home delighted with their new made friend they have been with me all the morning said as she passed the garden of james on her way home and saw mary at the door who have been with you miss and her brother the sweetest girl you ever saw her brother how provoking you are mary i am sure you understand me better perhaps than you understand yourself thought her friend well i will try to understand then that miss is the sweetest girl i ever saw and her brother i am not quite so decided about him said with some confusion but they are so fond of painting of music of and of every thing that is then i am sure they must be fond of you thought mary as her eye dwelt upon the countenance of her who leaned over the garden gate with her bonnet thrown l from her naturally sweet face now more than usually animated the company the excitement and the exercise of the morning had given tp her complexion a more vivid glow and while the li t breeze played idly the of her hair the whole picture presented to tlie eye of the a perfect of health and innocence and joy mary gazed for a moment with delighted admiration for in her there was no taint of or envy but a cloud suddenly gathered upon her brow for thought of the dangerous gifts which heaven had bestowed upon thi poor creature and her heart towards her with the tenderness of a sister thai she might watch over her and be the means of assisting her to turn all these brilliant to a good account why do you look so grave asked now when i feel so happy for to her the trees were more rich in foliage the fields more and the skies more heavenly blue than she had ever seen them before but mary could not well explain it was too soon to warn her of her danger and to over those evils which we do but apprehend has seldom a good effect upon the young and su mind they parted therefore without any further explanation and it was many days before they met again the hall and the cottage these days passed away with mary leaving nothing behind but the satisfaction of gone through her usual routine of homely duties while to they were with circumstances | 41 |
of deep interest high hopes and brilliant dreams of coming pleasure what they behind she did not stay to inquire for hers was not the heart to look back a tour planned to the of scotland and always delighted with new faces and having formed a most romantic and ardent friendship for the beautiful young insisted that she should accompany them and not all the indignation of her mother nor the of her sister could change her purpose you are not going yourselves said this of genius and therefore it can be f no to you but lord b lady c and miss said her sister they have never been accustomed to associate with low persons you will make yourself the jest of the whole world by these absurd fancies and disgrace your family said her mother the party is of my forming continued the young lady lord b always does ai i like lady c with her brother and poor miss has not the spirit to complain besides have i not an right to take an artist in my train if i think proper t and thus with a great deal of dispute and many remarks upon the unconscious object of this discussion which might not otherwise have been called forth the affair was at last decided to s satisfaction she was the youngest in the family and not very young could still and and insist with so much as not to carry her point against them all it be supposed that s strength of mind was proof against this temptation herself upon the professions of her amiable young friend and encouraging the vain hope that her service as an artist would amply the party for any expense or trouble they might on her account she joyfully fell in with the proposal and with a light and bounding heart ran over the fields to tell mary the good tidings she had gone through the whole plan and was upon some of its branches before the unusual gravity of mary s countenance arrested her attention and with a somewhat altered manner she observed you are always so serious now mary i come to tell you any thing and that i suppose is the reason why com so seldom was i not here last friday no it was monday no i cannot tell when it was it was the sunday before last surely not so long ago as that well i have been too much engaged with and other things to know how the time passes away you have been in a sort of dream i think from which i hope the time has come for you to rouse yourself you mean with regard to the it is no dream mary for i love them all except the old people and that proud and daughter of theirs then excepting the young gentleman which you are bound to do in common delicacy there remains one of the ancient and honourable name of whom you love miss yes i do love her and will love her and will go into scotland with her too and return to you mary the happiest creature in existence my brain and my filled with images of lakes and rivers and mountain scenery may i as a friend ask you one plain question yes a thousand will you travel at your own expense s face was covered with confusion and she replied with difficulty i cannot say exactly that i shall but i hope to make some return pictures of private life my friend my own dear friend you arc deceiving yourself what return can you possibly make to this high family for the honour which they intend to confer upon you it is the p ul of an independent mind to refuse not with insult but with gratitude all offers of unnecessary kindness for which there is no probability of making any adequate return more especially to the great because the chance of being able to do any service to them is so much smaller indeed there is nothing but the and most intimate friendship that can justify the giving nd receiving obligations without any calculation as to the relative situation of the parties here and here only i would give receive without and account said something about miss s friendship for herself but mary interrupted her with warmth and have you lived to give the name of friendship to that which springs up between two young persons who have only strolled together for a few sunny hours by the side of woods and no if you will turn away from the truth you compel me forcibly rudely but i hope not to place it before your eyes miss is a sweet tempered light hearted creature at least so she appears to us who is interested by your talents and charmed by your beauty but more especially delighted with your to oblige and serve her yet in her wide world of fashion and of folly you can act but a very trifling part and will consequently be very lightly esteemed for what have you to boast of that she cannot find and possess in far greater perfection elsewhere except perhaps your and when i would ask was beauty a bond of union two women here in this remote village you are a wonder and a genius your paintings and astonish us but these people have been abroad and have seen the works of great masters and even their own money can procure them such as you would hardly dare to copy your music though exactly such as i delight to listen to and sweeter far sweeter to me than the ng of birds or any thing that i can since my poor mother used to sing children to sleep what would it be to ears when compared even with the meanest performance of | 41 |
an italian opera girl oh if you wish to be loved if you wish to be valued you will stay with us i will return to you dear mary and we shall only be absent a few weeks and in those few weeks what may you not endure you who have never been accustomed to insult or neglect if i did not expect to be treated in all respects as an equal said her indignation rising the finest scenery in the world should not tempt me to go beyond my native village then deceive yourself no longer for this never can be it is not in the nature of things that it should be i have not spoken to you much of late but i have watched you with the anxiety of a sister and though no could love you better than i do trust me am not blind to your no have seen the change in your dress and manner i have seen what you endeavoured to conceal from yourself it was but last sunday service that i observed you stop to to old in the church yard while all the your eye was fixed upon the door at which you thought the would come out and when you found they had gone the other way you listened no more and thought no more of old or her but over the and flew round by the lane where you were sure to see but finding yourself too far in advance you stooped down to tie your though i am sure it did not need it and then lady swept past you with such a look of scorn as would not have brought upon myself for the richest jewel in her possession and now may i ask you to believe tliat the pain i have given by my plain speaking has not been from envy or l r sport but merely that you might see your the hall and the cottage conduct in its true light for these things are beneath you and i you despise them as much as i do but the notice of these people as turned your head let me entreat you to feel above them as you really are above in all that is really excellent far below in all which they esteem bo when mary had finished speaking her friend remained silent for a long time and h they walked together through the fields to the cottage of william their was on indifferent topics for mary wisely judged it would be safest to leave to the influence of her own reflections chapter in wc may read find think and converse humble merit and high bom folly or until we actually believe wc have attained to the true of good and evil and are ready under all circumstances to choose the one and to refuse the other yet so forcible are the impressions received through the medium of the senses that we are of en led to wonder at the of our own there is something for instance so imposing in the first entrance of a well bred person at your door compared with that of the plain man of homely merit who over your staircase sets down his hat upon your drawing and your hand in a grasp of strength there is a great deal i too in the sod tones of the well voice with which well bred persons address you their kind looks when they choose to wear them the rustling of their costly their and handkerchiefs but above all the ivory fingers with which they touch and seem to whatever is worthy of their attention these and a thousand other trifles too insignificant to find a name combine to form parts of that scenery which and the mental vision of those who are just entering tlie of life how well might have been fortified and supported before she went to rest by the sage of her friend her noble resolutions vanished on the following morning like mist before the summer sun for the carriage of sir thomas rolled up to the door and a troop of young ladies and fine gentlemen rushed in to alarm as they were pleased to say the beautiful in her fairy could the beautiful have known how little they had really thought of alarming or pleasing or doing any thing else but kill time could she have known what weary dissatisfied and feelings they really brought with them to the fairy bower she might have better able to appreciate their many flattering expressions which to them meant nothing and cost nothing but which were set down by to refer to on some future day when her vanity should tax her memory to contribute to its maintenance alas that such a day should ever come that flowers which were in the of youth and happiness and thrown by with a prodigal hand should come to be out one by one in search of ed sweetness to revive the drooping spirit that has laid up no more substantial treasure for its hour of need surely there is nothing upon earth that demands our pity more than this not the foolish bird fluttering in the of the nor the flower that has burst into blushing beauty on a morning of storms nor the child that has stolen to the brink of the precipice to play can be more melancholy objects of consideration than an amiable and lovely woman who is drawing from the of vanity and love her only sources of happiness and hope and yet who speaks of her danger tho e who stand aloof in security and have known tlie thirst of vanity nor fallen into the of earthly pictures op private life love should the creature awake to a sense of her own awful situation who rushes to the rescue she looks back upon her sister and the strong arm of and envy is | 41 |
put forth to urge her to destruction to her fall she upon her brother man and he more treacherous but not less cruel while he covers her with the garment of praise and upon her head the oil of joy at the same time places op her brow the poisoned crying peace peace where there is no like the priests of old who with merriment and dance and song led forth the unconscious victim with flowers to upon the altar of sacrifice lady b y lady c and miss were amongst those who rushed into s parlour they were of the party for the all things were in readiness and on monday morning they were to set out when monday the day arrived took a hasty farewell of the and now she stood at the gate leading up to her father s door and the old man stood beside her ever and anon wiping from his eyes tears that were not altogether shed for sorrow for he was proud of the distinction which had been his daughter but it was a long journey and the dear child had never been far from the paternal roof before and the old servant was there too busily employed in providing every for the comfort of her darling weeping and wiping her eyes with her apron without trying to conceal her tears now though it is a pleasant and easy thing for the writers of romance to make their glide and over the earth without any of the common of matter it cannot be denied of though to relate that while standing at her father s gale she was literally by those various and vulgar articles under the name of that when the carriage of the wealthy drove up was in the very act of drawing from her a piece of white to secure the of a green bag and that when lord b s footman touched his hat and offered his services to see every thing adjusted though at the same time a whisper passed through the train that they had had trouble enough with their own things and that now their was no room left william described in detail how there was a hair trunk with a a bag a shawl and a cloth besides a basket of which held v in her firm grasp determined to place it herself in the hand of her young mistress while the cloak she insisted must go inside too for the evenings were cold and the dear child had nothing on could any thing to s feelings exceed the confusion of this moment during which the serene party sat in smiling wonder at the scene her father forgetful of every thing but the departure of his child had slipped on an old hat that was wont to hang in the remotest corner of the passage and surely she was possessed with the demon of provocation for she kept the little basket until she could herself place it upon s lap and thrust in the old grey cloak spreading it over the costly silk dress of lady c which had never been brought into contact with so rude a material before in fact that moment was with a combination of wliich no words can describe but which some have felt so forcibly as to acknowledge that the poor and mean pay dearly in this small coin for to in the of the rich and great mary watched them round the brow of the hill and as soon as they had vanished from her sight she covered her face with her hands and burst into tears what are you weeping for asked little looking up in her sister s face you need not be in trouble about for i never saw her look half so happy in my life the hall and the cottage i hope she is happy said mary then why do you weep will she not come back she may come back my love but not to me was mary s inward response perhaps there are no few words by which we more frequently deceive ourselves than these i will come back to you or you will return to me the birds of spring the flowers of summer and the rich tints of autumn may all come back the of our infancy and the friends of our early years may all return but will they return unchanged or shall we be able to meet them with the same glow of feeling many who have looked with wonder and delight on the splendour of the setting sun have turned away with sickness of soul from the glory of his rising beams many who have bid adieu to summer have drank from the well spring of her loveliness rich draughts of happiness and love have met her again without her fair form without one bound upon her carpet one moment of joyous exultation in the softness of her sunny breeze and thus it must be for thus it has been ordained by a wise and merciful father to teach his children that the treasures by which they are surrounded are only lent them for a brief space of limited enjoyment and that here they have no continuing city chapter iv light and bounding were the hearts which miss had gathered round her herself the centre of the magic circle if not the source from whence their pleasure flowed there needed no addition to her enjoyment except that lord b should declare himself more clearly and this nothing could be more likely to produce than the present arrangement of they had not proceeded many stages however before the discovery of certain glances of admiration directed to a part of the carriage where she was not sitting led her to ask herself whether it would not have been quite as prudent to leave at home lord b thought otherwise and judging from her situation | 41 |
in that she could not be very fastidious in the choice of an admirer or the style of his address annoyed her by the most pointed and familiar attentions until repeatedly by her coldness he determined to punish her by neglect lady c neither young nor enthusiastic had not travelled many days before she had to lament bitterly over the of the journey and miss deep in the lore of scotch novels was disappointed and disgusted because every old woman was not a and every young one a books of poetry and romance where referred to on every occasion and closed with the natural but conclusion that the nation must be miserably was the only one of the whole party who was well in the real history of the land of the mountain and the stream she had been accustomed to read in peace and in private and had stored up in a naturally good memory such facts as now rendered her company a valuable acquisition to those who were not previously disposed to make too high an estimate of her powers of pleasing finding herself of real service to her friends her confidence began to increase and with her confidence her happiness her vivacity and even her beauty too until felt himself to declare what his heart alone had hitherto borne witness to his extreme admiration of but his was not flattery in the gross it consisted in that silent course of respectful attention so irresistible to a delicate shown chiefly by a desire to be informed by her knowledge decided pictures of private life by her judgment and directed by her taste and if there more of tenderness in his look and manner towards her than was quite consistent with their relative situations it was only just so much as to encourage her to ask of him in preference to any one beside those little services which constitute the chief bond both of friendship and of love do we find persons entering into the most intimate and the most serious connections in life not so much from any of mind or sympathy of feeling as from the manner in which they have been thrown together have become associated with and indebted to each other is not this then another reason amongst the many why the poor ought to rather than seek all association witli the great and why the great should cease to amuse themselves with those summer with their poorer neighbours which at best can only serve on one hand to away the monotony of a few months residence in the country and on the other leave nothing behind but and disappointment this however is but the bright side of the picture look again and we see more a long list of fatal consequences amongst which are written in characters the base flattery of the low and the falsehood of the great the envy of the poor and too frequently their ruined innocence before the of one entire week the spirits of the had begun to flag and even felt it difficult at all times to support her vivacity upon which depended the good will of the party though born to an humble lot she was not of a robust constitution nor had ever been accustomed to any kind of hardship miss had her woman and lady c was almost inseparable i om hers but no one attended upon to see that her bed was or to carry her dry shoes there are few we are more ready to profess our determination to do than this to take care of ourselves wh nobody cares for us and yet somehow or other there are many duties which we perform with more pleasure so much are we accustomed to estimate our own worth by the opinion of others had no heart to look after these little comforts and and therefore felt the want of them the more and sometimes her thoughts would return to old and then she wished she had taken leave of her more kindly but her greatest mortification was to find that the labours of her pencil so far from her friend for her numerous and for never by any alteration of place or plan be made agreeable to the whole party sometimes they could not possibly wait for her and the drawing must remain half done while they wondered that she put away so many unfinished pieces then they dared to say it was very good but really they could not recognise the spot for this very reason because they had not staid to observe it oh it is a wearisome heartless and service to live by the power of pleasing the has his stated portion out to him and in undisturbed security and the slave knows while he toils at the oar that the utmost stretch of his is all that his tyrant master can require but the miserable child of genius who feels that he must starve and shiver in the shade or tax his talents and his wit and torture his sensibility to purchase the genial smiles of patronage may not his life be compared to the lingering death of the whose dying agonies produce those beautiful varieties of colour which astonish the delighted annoyed perplexed and disappointed began to think a little more of mary than she had done at first and but for the kindness of would really have looked with fearful apprehension to the future it happened one day while alone to sketch what her gay companions were soon tired of looking at that they wandered round the foot of the hill and came again un j the hall and the cottage almost to the very spot where she was seated and where her figure was from them only by a of a rock and a few branches of she had heard their approaching voices without any thought of the subject of their conversation when suddenly the | 41 |
sound of her own name struck upon her ear it was lord b who on her merits in the following manner this friend of yours miss is a wonderfully knowing person i suppose she is the village and then the ladies laughed miss as well as the rest protesting his was so droll which the mixed sound of their voices as well as the confusion of s mind prevented her hearing what was said for some minutes she was happy however to find that was not with them and at last had the additional satisfaction of hearing take up her defence well said this noble of humble merit evidently some disputed point that i leave to you but i must convince you that she is a good creature and so delighted with a little notice that in common charity one cannot withhold it s pencil dropped from her fingers and she had well nigh betrayed herself by a groan of horror she heard no more for the party retired laughing and talking on indifferent subjects leaving her as senseless as the stone on which she was seated how long her reverie might have lasted is uncertain had she not been roused by the voice of which instantly brought back the colour to her cheeks though not in time to prevent his discovering that something had occurred to her and his suspicions were strongly confirmed by the trembling and agitated manner in which she stooped down to gather up the and loose papers which had fallen at her feet dear what has happened to you said he she raised her eyes it was the first time she had heard those words of kindness spoken with any thing like feeling since she her home and she into tears nor was it difficult this to draw her into a confession of the cause but the insult the contempt the scorn she did not at present feel equal to the task of describing i will leave them tomorrow was her first exclamation that night as soon as she found herself alone when suddenly a load heavier and colder than the chains of the criminal fell upon her heart the conviction that she had not the means and therefore i must eat their bread and follow and serve them because i am poor too poor to resent an insult oh why did i ever come and then she thought of mary and of her own father the plain kind hearted old man who looked upon his daughter as a sort of privileged being who was never to be in any of her wishes the kind hearted old man who had furnished her with all the money he could spare part of which she had laid out in making herself look as much like her friend as possible part in all things necessary and many things unnecessary for her progress in her favorite art and part a very small part had been reserved for farther of all these things she thought again and again and perhaps as strange of ideas and feelings among which however she out the last as least upon which to slumber and dream whether it was the superior information and interesting qualities of which drew upon her the envy of her companions or whether she did in reality the bounds of propriety which confine the feet of humble friend it might neither be wise nor charitable to say but somehow or other her sun went down with miss and to the rest it had never l pictures of private life that spread itself all over her beautiful face before the service was over mary had forgotten that any strangers were at church and had forgotten every thing beside mary returned home with serious thoughts to perform the duties in her domestic circle and went that with less than her alacrity to take her part as teacher in a sunday school some years ago established by the good clergyman of the parish and so supported as to need little patronage from miss miss however could not the blessing of her countenance miss could find no better amusement for the sunday afternoon and thought there might be a chance of his meeting again with the vision of the morning the door of the school room opened looked up and from that moment she thought as little of the the and even of the bible itself as any of her little pupils come here to me said miss in a tone of authority to one of the older girls who was just her attention to answer in her turn the question of the teacher come here to me and tell me if you can what took place at the building of the tower of r confusion of tongues thought the teacher and i wish it may not be come to us what a charming study exclaimed out a little curly who laughed and blushed and wondered what she meant take that you little said throwing a sixpence on the floor and buy yourself a stick instead of breaking mine then turning to a charming amusement continued he himself upon the bench beside her i wish i might be a pupil but the method he had chosen for an acquaintance was not suited to the taste of his companion it too much of the hall and the cottage to be out as a village beauty and addressed with the familiarity of town bred insolence was not the distinction at which she aimed and her wandering thoughts she assumed an air of dignity and endeavoured to resume her task the young gentleman finding he had mistaken the subject of his attentions and his sisters being equally disappointed in theirs the party withdrew leaving the young people in wonder at their and the old at their folly and assurance chapter il i told you said to his sister the next morning | 41 |
i told you we should all be miserably disappointed in coming to this abominable old hall for you see we have neither field sports in the day dancing on the green in the evening nor ghosts through the corridor at night how in the name of do you mean to exist t heaven only knows how pa and ma and will exist replied but for my part i am going out to sketch when the dew is off the grass and then you know lord b comes down to shoot in august and your horses come on saturday and i am sure you will let me ride again lord b is a great bore her brother and it always rains on the and my horses don t come till monday and you shall not ride because you always spoil her paces but come the dew is off the grass and i have so much that is amiable in my temper just now that i can afford to go out with you to sketch and cut your into the bargain provided only you will go my way the fact was the young gentleman hail determined if possible to see again had his first advances been received with the of a rustic it probable that all interest about her would have ceased then and there but the look of the hall and the cottage wounded pride and delicate reserve with which she withdrew from his familiarity combined with her beauty to make a more lasting impression on his mind this is the cottage said he leading his sister up to the door of william for i he had made out the night before not only s residence but much of her character and the nature of her occupation but where are you leading me asked i know nothing of these people what can you possibly be going to do in this sweet cottage leave that to me said her brother leading her away from the beautiful scene on which she would gladly have staid to gaze for the cottage of william had long been the envy of the surrounding neighborhood though precisely on the same footing as the with regard to property and rank in life his house and garden had acquired during the reign of mrs an air of taste and which his daughter was equally desirous to support perhaps the chief difference in the two was that the windows of one had been made to open out upon a green lawn while those of the other terminated a little more than half the length in a broad seat on which mary used to sit and read to her father when the children were asleep and all was quiet within and without each had their parlour of high and low degree but the trod always on a carpet and had her paintings her her and her books placed with studied about the room so as to give it a totally different character from even the best parlour of the was at this moment an air which had lately caught her fancy and accompanying it with a low and simple voice which though altogether in scientific rules was sufficiently attractive from its natural sweetness to arrest the attention of the curious who having advanced to the open window stood in delighted ment gazing upon the lovely while startled by a rustling amongst the leaves around the window looked up with no less astonishment than she had excited had there even been time to to the of the preceding day it would all have been for by the kind and polite manner in which for the intrusion he said they were strangers in search of the picturesque who had come to the assistance of miss to point out the beauties of the surrounding scenery hoping that her taste would enable them to select some subject for a sketch not altogether beyond the compass of moderate powers i am quite a added and if you can assist me i shall be for ever indebted to you by this time had ushered them into her little sitting room and taking up a large with just confidence enough to show her extreme devotion to the art spread before them her own beautiful and highly finished drawings of such simple and rural scenes as the country around afforded at the same time for their want of interest by saying that she had never been far from her native country or seen any of the great and magnificent features of nature for a few moments the woman gave place to the artist and she went on with enthusiasm i sometimes think that if heaven has a blessing in store for me it must be that shall gaze on the blue sky of italy but the eyes of fixed upon her earnest countenance brought back every latent spark of womanly feeling and not even the expressions of his sister as she turned over the drawings could again her from the consciousness that she was a genius and a beauty in the act of entertaining high bom and fashionable guests and you paint too exclaimed looking up at a picture in which the artist had given to the subject of one of the drawings the vivid colouring of a hand and a warm imagination that painting is not mine said yet i do paint a little though i have a pictures of private life if i was my kind hearted sister said he laying his hand upon hers i would stay with her myself i you know that i am the worst nurse in the world besides it may turn out some shocking fever most probably and then i might be dead and buried in this horrid country before any one in england knew i would not leave you said her brother still hoping he might prevail no no said she his hand it is too much to ask | 41 |
of me but i will speak to perhaps she might be induced to stay and yet i hardly know what i do without her was spoken to and resolutely adding that she must really be compelled to resign her situation if such a thing were required of her then what on earth can i do exclaimed returning to her friends who protested against remaining another day at such a i ace and yet when the comfort of the poor was the subject of consideration they looked round and protested it was a vastly comfortable sort of inn for that part of scotland and just the thing for those who wanted to be quiet the landlady a very decent sort of woman and the girl the best creature in the world until encouraged by these assurances at length determined upon doing what her better feelings refused to sanction leaving this young and helpless creature and hi in a strange land but she would speak to the doctor herself she would engage a nurse and do all things considerate and kind and then surely could not blame her did blame her however and severely too though silently for he said to himself if my sister has really the to leave her that heart is not worth appealing to slept little that night but in the morning the fever and she fell into a dreamy sort of slumber not deep enough to prevent her hearing occasionally the tread of bustling feet and other signs of preparation which she could not understand whenever she looked up too there an old woman seated at the foot of the bed whose cold eyes were fixed upon her face but the weariness of exhausted nature overcome her curiosity and she slept again once she hardly whether it was a dream or a a gentle voice asked if she were awake the old woman s finger was lifted up and the reply was then i won t disturb her but see that you take care of her and soon the carriage wheels rolled away from the door and slept quietly till near mid day when she awoke to the full possession of her senses and the consciousness of her forlorn and deserted situation she was left alone at a little village in the north of scotland with neither strength nor money to take her appalling as was this conviction the poor invalid determined to rise and endeavor to shake off her weakness and in order to rid herself of the unwelcome attentions of her stranger nurse she with feeble and tottering steps to the little parlour below which the merry party had so lately deserted every thing here was cold and dreary the fire had not be n lifted and a north wind was blowing through the open window that looked out upon the side of a bleak hill round which wound the road where the marks of the carriage wheels were still visible all was now so still that could distinctly hear the cry of a child and the of an angry mother from a house on the opposite side of the street if street it might be called the of some wild sheep amongst the heath and the rustling of the wind through the branches of some old that grew beside the window and and moaned in the blast as if complaining of their lonely and melancholy fate s feelings peculiarly at this time to sights and sounds of wretchedness gathered around her a host of images too painful for endurance and she burst into the hall and the cottage tears exclaiming in bitterness of soul mary my friend my only friend surely there will need no lesson this to teach me that i am poor and blind and miserable r the pressure of a gentle hand upon her arm called back her wandering thoughts called back the colour to her pale cheeks and to her heart the warm glow of life and hope for it was who stood beside her i thought you were all gone said the poor girl as soon as the hurry and confusion of her feelings allowed her to speak why did you not leave me i answer in the words of your favourite poet why all have led thee and though he has wisely and justly given this simple and touching expression to the of woman yet trust me there are men who can be faithful and kind when women are heartless and cruel i do trust you said with warmth i was just saying i had but one friend in the world but you have been more to me than a friend say a brother if you please and then we shall be at ease with each other but let us have a fire and shut out this cold wind and make our prison as comfortable as we can you are not so very ill i hope and trust but that we shall be able to meet our party at in the course of a few days he then explained how he had taken his horse in the morning and ridden out under pretence of calling upon a college acquaintance who was then shooting in the leaving a message for his sister that if ha found his friend at home he should probably not join them again before they reached the city which he hoped they would do by the end of the following week how vain are the struggles of the most determined will against the of disease would at this time have given worlds had she possessed them to shake off the weariness the and all other symptoms of approaching illness that were rapidly stealing upon her for a short time her spirits rallied for the presence of was a great but it needed both his support and that of the nurse to enable her to regain her little chamber where she was doomed | 41 |
to spend many wearisome days of sickness and sorrow varied only by intervals of stupor and delirium days that were counted by with the anxiety if not exactly with the affection of a brother the fever at length and feeble as a child once more looked out upon the hills and the purple heath now bright in the sunshine of a autumn day the time was fast approaching for and her party to be at on their way home the time was fast approaching and yet was so weak it would have been madness to attempt the journey no or trouble have been spared by which might enable him to attain his object and place his poor friend again under the protection of his sister before tliey reached home for pleasant as it might be to linger amongst the hills with this beautiful young creature he felt that upon this crisis depended her good name with his family at least if not with her own could they join their party in time she might be helped forward by easy stages and her own appearance would sufficiently justify the story of her illness but if she remained alone with him what story could he make sufficiently plausible to satisfy the of the and the scruples of the envious at this juncture a letter arrived from was alone and eagerly tore open the seal it had been detained upon tlie road and now told the sad tidings the fair writer and her friends would leave on that very day having waited for as long as their patience would it is all over said he throwing the open letter upon the table his all over and we must make the best of it it was past midnight when he awoke from pictures of private life his reverie he was sitting with his feet upon the bars of a little grate that contained the embers of a turf fire no no said he starting from his seat and up the candle now burnt down into the her protector i must be but no more and for this reason i will see her as little as possible so saying he retired to rest with that solid satisfaction of heart which the applause of the world cannot give nor the of ite envious tongue destroy his time was now spent chiefly in shooting and being unable to amuse herself with her usual pursuits felt here hang heavily upon her hands chapter vi it was on one of these long and lonely days that a letter was brought to the invalid sealed with the crest of the and directed by a female hand her own trembled as she opened it and read as follows miss will probably be surprised that i should have taken the trouble to address a person in her situation but regard to myself and my family will no longer permit me to be silent from my sister and her friends i have learned all the particulars of your strange conduct and can only wonder that we have not been more sensible of the deep and wicked by which you endeavoured to the affections of our beloved brother too prone alas to fall into the of satan with d to the future my object in writing is to request or rather to insist that you will never make any claim upon our family of any kind whatsoever resting assured that such claims would be rejected with contempt if not punished by the law wishing you may experience a sincere and repentance for all your i venture to myself your christian friend p s my sister does not know of my writing she is extremely sorry on your account and can with difficulty be persuaded that you have been so very artful and lord b alone has had the good sense to discover and the sincerity to speak the truth you will do well to bum this and say nothing to my brother poor she read the letter again and again turning it backwards and forwards and looking alternately at the direction and the contents to assure herself of the reality her senses had been by long illness and it seemed almost impossible for her to comprehend the whole truth no tears came to her relief a single kind word would have brought them in torrents one exclamation at last burst from her lips oh mary you me of insult and neglect but you never warned me of any thing half so horrible as this when returned that night the invalid was still sitting in the little parlour her cheeks flushed with burning crimson and her eye bright and wandering shocked by the of her looks and her and hurried answers to his simple questions he asked the nurse if any thing particular had occurred during his absence and she told him that a letter had arrived about noon and that since then she had not been able to persuade the young lady to take the least thing nor even to move from her chair returned and himself beside took her feverish and burning hand while in a firm and determined manner he began to question her about what had passed circumstances said he over we have no have placed in a the hall and the cottage strange and difficult situation to be your protector has become my duty as it would at any time have been my pleasure but in order that i may serve you entirely it is necessary that with me you should have no reserve i therefore call upon you as a friend and one who is entitled to make such a demand to tell me what has distressed you made no reply but the quivering of her pale lips gave sufficient evidence of her internal struggle at last she drew forth the letter and opening it with trembling fingers placed it in s hand rage and indignation | 41 |
gathered on his brow while his eye glanced rapidly over its contents hia mind had been prepared for such an attack and he had no need to read it twice bat tearing the letter into a thousand pieces he thrust them through the bars of the grate and spoke not till every was consumed there said he is an to this specimen of my sister s and malice and i wish we could say the same of all the mischief it has done but do not mind it my good you have done nothing tliat is wrong in the sight of heaven your heart ia as pure as the of these mountains and they shall be compelled to acknowledge it with the of her own innocence tried to comfort herself and in some measure she was comforted but how to return was the question that perplexed them both it waa strange that in this critical juncture the principle of evil ever ready to furnish ways and means did not suggest to that now when s reputation had received so severe a blow it would be requiring comparatively but a small sacrifice to ask her to remain with him or to consent to seek with him some more genial climate where her health and happiness might be restored to say that he did not think of it would be much to venture upon any of his sex in a similar situation but was an honourable man and the idea of taking an unfair advantage especially of a woman besides he did not yet know the strong impression made upon his own affections nor how after his return to college the fair image of would present itself first animated brilliant and gay as he had seen her at her father s house then feeble helpless but still beautiful as she now sat before him writing at intervals as she could bear the fatigue of writing to her friend mary and wonder not gentle reader that the short and letter which follows should have cost the poor writer the greatest possible fatigue both of body and mind so are die consequences of illness so incomprehensible the construction of the human frame dear when i last wrote to you i was happy happy in the contemplation of all that could delight me the clear skies the mountains and the streams and now if i write of mountains it will be of the mountains of grief that are upon my heart if of streams it will be the streams that flow from my eyes i have fallen into great trouble since my illness i am still very weak and my hand so that you will not believe this to be my writing but indeed mary it is the writing of your own friend your friend who is now in the dust yet do not mistake me i am in the sight of heaven and only wish i could feel my innocence to be a greater consolation has been to me but i will tell you when we meet how kind how delicate how generous his whole conduct has been and you i know will believe it for whatever my faults may have been i never was guilty of deceiving you in the mean time i entreat you to think kindly of me and to try to make my and yours think so too for indeed mary it was illness and not inclination that kept me here pray for me dear mary for i am weak both in body and mind and these cruel will me into the grave before s letter reached its pictures of private life rumour had been busy in her native village that the had returned without her and that too was left behind became the subject of general remark some said they had gone round by and some that they had gone off to italy all wondered and many took to themselves credit for having predicted the consequences though still ignorant what these consequences were whether it was the thrown out against his daughter which at this time particularly affected was difficult to know for he was a man of few words but all remarked that he was altered and when mary spoke of it to her father he shook his head and looked grave and said some mysterious words about his affairs which led her to suspect that all was not going well with his worldly concerns indeed he had never been a money making man q and in his own habits he had indulged his daughter in every gratification which his humble means could afford and now when that daughter became the theme of story when the whispers of those who delight to carry evil tidings told of her and hinted at her disgrace it fell with upon the anxious heart of the parent mary tried to comfort him but though she fully convinced him of the falsehood of the reports and that his child would return to him as innocent as ever with additional claims upon their love from her illness and suffering still the many monster would make itself heard and he could not be comforted those who have never heard a name beloved coupled with sin and shame and trembled lest it might be justly too have never taste the true bitterness of the cup of misery ah other draughts may be but this is beyond the power of flattery for it does not reach the object of hope for the blackness of desolation has already fallen upon our and of religion for the more we love god and delight in the beauty of the more we linger the stray sheep and lament that the gates of paradise should be closed upon the lost one mary went every day to the house of william to see that he comfortably and that every thing was done to make his solitary | 41 |
evenings pass as pleasantly as circumstances would allow for the days were now fast and the old man came in to his lonely fire shivering with the sharp winds of autumn it was on one of these evenings when had staid with him later than usual for they had fallen ir to a long and earnest conversation about that a carriage drove up to the door and herself rushed into her father s arms but oh how unlike the rosy girl with whom they had so lately parted when the first joy of welcome was over she sunk into a chair pale and exhausted and burst into tears mary wept too and the father but his were not tears of sorrow for now he believed that had come back the same innocent and creature she had left them true she was sadly altered but this was not the alteration he had feared yes she was sadly changed but then she had looked up to him again and again with her clear bright eyes in which there was no cloud nor the least shadow of shame and his heart was at rest mary could not leave them and they sat together that evening the father and the daughter and the friend united in fresh bonds the old man rf mary busied herself with am which tell more of welcome than i e t words and that and beautiful young creature looked alternately at her father and her friend witli smiles that betrayed how her poor heart had been yearning for their love to the good management of the invalid owed every thing he had travelled with her in company with the old nurse until they reached the last and then leaving them to pursue their journey with tlie confidence tliat they could meet with no further difficulty he proceeded to the hall and the cottage cambridge to his studies and to forget i possible the fair image of jl to the three friends who were re united mary hoped to no more the first days of returning confidence were days of happiness as the first taste of the cup of duty u often sweet and pleasant to willing lips it is the second and the third that contain the drops of bitterness it is the trial that proves the spirit for the heart is and after many fair promises will return to it again and again like the rebellious children of chapter vii could not r be with her friend and now the season was fast approaching when household comforts are most valued and household troubles most the dark days and the cold rains of november the flowers and the plants which had grown around the window of s little parlour weaving themselves into of beauty were all withered and beaten down pools of water stood upon the gravel walks and when the door was opened the angry tempest rushed in and and her father were both feeble and uttle able to contend with storms of any kind this chilly season is the time when the heart draws upon its store of treasures or it may be when it over its secret it is the time when happy faces are lighted up at the cheerful fire or when the solitary sits musing in loneliness when the rich and the gay delight themselves with artificial pleasures and the poor are made to feel the reality of their poverty the summer lasts the bright and summer that not to spread her beauties in the path of the pilgrim it is not for those who are raised above abject want to with their more neighbours provided only their residence be in the country for there the skies form a more splendid than the hand of the great father of painting itself could produce in the ever varying tints of the fo they have of the richest and most hues and what loom can furnish a carpet like the green turf beneath their feet but when winter comes the stem aspect of poverty presents itself in gloom around one fire the whole family must gather in young and old boisterous and quiet barbarous and civilized must sit down together and then if there should happen to be one spirit amongst the number which has upon the wings of fancy to a higher realm of thought and feeling alas what a fate is hers felt all the of riches and poverty more powerfully than words can describe and though t was spared the misery of with coarse and minds she found that one simple duty of being cheerful which she owed both to her father and herself irksome there are those who shut themselves up in retirement thinking that danger exists only in the pleasures of the and safety in their but let them look well to the choice they have made and ask whether the evils of may not be as in the sight of their creator as those of society for themselves they have right both to know and to choose what is best but there are hearts that can bear witness to the sins of to the sins and the sufferings too hearts that have been weighed down with the leaden stupor of melancholy until every affection was swallowed up in self every feeling lost in tlie ocean of misery from whence no gentle dew is as an offering of gratitude to heaven this winter would indeed have been a long and heavy season to had she not been able to resume her favourite amusement to which she returned with her wont pictures of private life ed as soon as her strength would allow the sketches she had made in scotland became more valuable to her every day in proportion as she forgot the pain and dwelt only on the pleasure with which they were connected and from these she busied herself to compose a picture which should exceed all | 41 |
her other performances in excellence of colouring and execution to her eye it was like a vision of paradise for there was the blue lake on which they had sailed and stretching far out into its quiet bosom was the point of rock tinged with the rays of the setting sun where the happy party stood while she was the broken the rich purple heath and the scattered fragments of stone on which and herself were seated painted improved and gazed upon this picture until it became a sort of idol to her but it was not before her father talked of the price she would ask for it that she was aware of her own and scornfully as her proud spirit at first rejected the old man s sordid notion circumstances occurred which tended very much to reconcile the idea it was evident iq many and now could no longer be concealed from that her father was failing both in purse and person she had no to upon his limited means but she felt more painfully than ever her own inability to assist him she felt also the want of many comforts both for herself and her father which she had never thought of before for she was still extremely delicate and the winter s cold seemed more than her slender frame could bear if i had but a warm cloak she said to herself one day after a visit to mary and then the thought of her picture presented itself to be rejected and returned to a thousand times before she could really make up her mind to part with it the love of a mother to her offspring is known even to the brutes and there are many other natural affections common to all but the love of a painter for his picture is what few can imagine because few have known it and if he do sometimes value his performance at what the world considers an unreasonable rate let it not be set down solely to an love of gain for in his picture he the clear skies the work of his own hands all bright and glowing if no cloud had ever cast a shadow on his path the trees in their perpetual and the seas the lakes and rivers that know no storms but of all his eye delights to dwell upon the portrait of a friend for when he looks on that memory brings back the time when it was painted the kind words that were spoken and the feelings that were shared together time may change the original alas we all know that time can the fair cheek and dim the sparkling eye with tears and oh more than all can the heart and turn away the current of the affections but this mute and motionless image bids defiance alike to the ebb and flow of human passions and to the touch of time after many a lingering look not blended with tears at last determined upon the sale of her painting which accordingly was set in an elegant and costly frame and sent to stand the test of vulgar criticism in the window of an artist s in the neighbouring the picture however was not sold though the frame was paid for and was obliged to fold herself once more in a cloak that was neither warm nor handsome chapter viii there is nothing me so much to account for said to her friend as how you should always be so happy can you tell me replied mary why that little robin bears so patiently the winter s cold and sings so cheerfully when he feels the first gleam of sunshine it is because he has never flown to warmer the hall and the cottage mates but contented himself witli such things as has placed around him but you surely do not mean to say that in my situation you could be happy in your situation i would not willingly give way to envy of another s portion or at my own but sometimes when i am weary and the children have i been troublesome and i see you sitting so quietly in your elegant parlour just following your own pursuits without any one to or interrupt you it does seem to me that yours is a privileged lot but mind me i would not change with you ii i had to take into the bargain all the idle fancies that possess your brain constant exertion has been a great blessing to me but far before this and next to the immediate protection of providence i ought to reckon the instruction and example of a good mother a mother who taught me to be content with my humble portion and to cultivate such habits and desires as would make that portion happy so you see there is no merit in my being contented because this as well as every other good thing i am capable of was taught me by my mother was silent for a long time and when she resumed the conversation it was with a slight apology for the freedom of the remark she was about to make and then smiling lest it should appear too serious she went on there is another thing mary equally incomprehensible to me and that is how you can love that homely and quaint young man miller mary coloured deeply but not with shame for her attachment to miller had already been acknowledged before her father and many of her friends and so high was her estimation of the worth of his character that she could not hear without indignation the least slight or insult connected with his name i will tell you said she with some warmth if you can listen to so plain a story it is that i love that homely and quaint we have known each other from infancy for a long time we went to tlie | 41 |
same school i was dull at learning and he was always ready to help me out i was not in my early years so dutiful a daughter as i ought to have been and he used to tell me kindly and seriously what he thought of my conduct i was often and ill tempered when he me and yet he never would me nor give up the hope that i should live to have a clearer view of my own true interest and to all these i will now add if you please a true woman s reason i love miller because he loves me you are a good girl mary said her friend i would laugh if i dared at your and sort of love but it ill becomes the miserable to make a jest of the happy have you never a for me you may laugh if you will and make a jest of my love though not of my lover but there is no greater proof of the error in which you have been educated than the contempt with which you would reject the pretensions of an admirer in your own sphere of life and yet to live in single and stately upon a very slender income is a fate for which you are by no means prepared and to be carried off by a hero of romance is a privilege not enjoyed by the of the present day knew of but one hero with whom her own fate could in any way be connected even in idea one who was never forgotten but so seldom named that the two friends seemed as if by mutual consent to have ceased to make him a topic of conversation it is true the young had returned with his fascinating qualities deeply on her heart and his praises ever ready to flow from her but finding how extremely difficult it was to do him justice without describing scenes that wore a sort of doubtful character love and wliich might reasonably be misunderstood by her friends since they were not very clear even to herself she ceased by degrees to name either him or his merits and mary ceased also herself pictures of private life with the belief tliat no correspondence was kept up between them and trusting to the well known of young gentlemen to forget young ladies especially when absent besides they had both other things of deep interest to about the health of william was failing rapidly and every one predicted tliat he would not live to see another spring and dark sayings were heard about his worldly affairs and harsh comments were made upon his useless daughter s health was also extremely delicate and she would talk to mary of the cold from which she believed she never should recover under these clouds the poor artist and her father spent the month of december and christmas the happy time of good cheer and hearty welcome brought nothing for them but that long train of gloomy realities with which this merry making season is associated in the minds and memories of those who have had to drink of the bitter draught of poverty no rosy school boy threw open the door of no cheerful party gathered round his hearth no games nor echoed in his silent home but a sickly daughter leaned her head upon her hand in musing attitude her eyes fixed upon the glimmering of a scanty fire which just gave light enough to show the vast of bills and papers piled up on the the night was dark a heavy fall of snow lay thick upon the ground and a fierce wind howled around their dwelling searching every of the doors and windows the old man was in his arm chair and sat beside him pale and motionless as a marble statue when suddenly a loud knock was heard at the door and they both started one from sleeping and the other from waking dreams it was a long time before the old servant could the door and stood trembling and agitated she knew not why the foot of a man was heard stamping off the light snow and she began to think he never would come in is your mistress at home said a kind and well known voice so unlike all other voices so impossible to be mistaken a few evenings after this the members of a book society established by miss held their meeting at the house of mr d the surgeon here two maiden ladies of unspeakable age amused themselves with the following conversation dear mis she has po little time for writing and yet what a kind letter i have received from her this morning and the lady spread forth a neatly folded sheet of the finest writing paper in which a few lines far and wide told how much the amiable writer was interested in the improvement of the inhabitants of her dear village of l and how truly she was c there is one thing however continued the lady in which i confess i am in the dark miss the study of letters and between ourselves i cannot recollect ever having heard of them before now you who have so good a memory may perhaps be able to help me out for as i mean to order the book to night yon know it will be quite as well to say something of the style of the publication its size price the lady appealed to drew her hand across her forehead and then confessed she had read the book but really it was very odd she could not call to mind whether it was an or ah here comes my nephew charming boy i even he has this love of literature how delightful to meet with such young and ardent minds engaged in the same pursuit at this instant a rosy faced red handed | 41 |
young man dressed in a short coat and a riding whip about his own legs and sometimes the legs of his neighbours walked or rather into the room and af er staring at the young ladies and stumbling over the toes of the old ones at last turned to meet the welcome of his aunt though with no very cordial greeting on his part the hall and the cottage which is pretty miss said he before the lady had concluded her on his love of literature i came to see miss and i ll take my oath there isn t a pretty face in the room jim tells me she s grown confounded and hasn t any colour at all speaking of the s said the aunt what can have brought the young gentleman into the country ag at this time of the year why don t you know that his horses are kept at hall and that lord b s hounds will throw off on common on thursday and a glorious run we mean to have and then the y set up his hunting yell in the very ear of her who had just begun to hope that he would at last get understanding as soon as this noisy intruder had withdrawn himself and ihe old ladies could again hear themselves talk they went on with lowered voices to hope but really they could not help fearing that young mr had come down with some particular view it was a sad affair very sad but things must be expected from bringing people up so much above their situation they had long thought the girl was more like a play woman than a respectable farmer s daughter respectable indeed he was not for it was well known he could not meet his this christmas and that all would have to be sold up and then they wondered how much the window curtains would go for and then more interesting still they off into the merits of some articles which they had lately purchased for themselves comparing the price and the quality of each with many other not noted in the records of the of l chapter ix are harsh natures that cannot enter into a situation such as s who would say that she was bold and sought what she deserved to find her own destruction but surely they can never have known how plausible is the first appearance of earthly love to those whose hearts are yet warm with the glow of youth and in the ways of the world so pure so disinterested so entirely of every thing either gross or mean is the first growth of tliis dangerous passion at least in the breast of woman felt all this without one suspicion of the and integrity of her lover nor had he hitherto a thought that was injurious to her in him she saw only the kind friend and companion of her summer come back to her when friends are dearest in the winter when there are few external sources of enjoyment and oh more than all in the winter of the soul to the gaze of vulgar admiration had indeed lost much of her beauty with her bloom but to she was more lovely than before it is true she was much paler her look of rosy health was gone yet the colour had not so entirely forsaken her cheeks but that it was ready to come back with every varying emotion brighter and purer and more spiritual in iti variations there were traces of deep thought too upon her clear forehead but so gently marked as to seem only as if the finger of sorrow had lightly touched and then withdrawn itself unwilling to mar the beauty of so fair a picture perhaps she was graver too and it was evident from her whole that experience had been her sage companion experience whose counsels are or ought to be so whose rejected lessons are so appalling when they rise up in judgment against us when first beheld her she was like the creature of a poet s dream but now a stranger might to her the station of a wife a mother or a friend she was then more beautiful to gaze upon now more fitted to be loved and he had come back with the idea almost to conviction that it was impossible to live without her pictures of private life is a motto that we should all do well to adopt and never lose sight of through the pilgrimage of life but most of all it the woman who to a tale of love to look to the end had no such extended vision nor ever asked herself of what value the love of edward could be to her but listened as weak and foolish woman will listen while the only man who had ever fascinated her young imagination poured forth his soul in high sounding professions of never ending attachment mary was now forgotten the bleak winter vanished the snow melted and all but her aged father seemed to wear the cheerfulness of had said all that the most ardent lover could say he would leave cambridge in april and then his travels would commence she was to go with him to italy where her health would be restored and her skill in painting under the first masters nor was it until some days his departure that this thought occurred to her he had never mentioned one word about marriage of the consent of his family or any of those business like concerns which she was to believe did not intrude upon an attachment pure and romantic like theirs and therefore she was satisfied at least she told her heart a thousand times that she was so but still whenever she determined upon telling mary all that had passed there was something which put a stop to her | 41 |
estimation for she thought of and the fine tones of his well voice when he read to her in that little village in the and the moments flew so rapidly along t pictures op private life perhaps there are few things in which the cultivation or refinement of the intellectual powers is more perceptible than in the style of a person s reading for how well these readers may understand the meaning of the author it seems impossible tc give his words the proper tone and emphasis without a regular like training and when they read from a book precisely the same expressions which they make use of every day they seem bound to torture their words into a totally different sound merely because they are in print the books too which miller made choice were more ancient than the grandmother from whose library they had descended and then he would give long histories of that grandmother who had been a great personage in her day and figured as in the town of of the and what property the different branches of each family then possessed with accounts of houses that were pulled down tliat were built that were drained that were made and that were enclosed in his father s time and yet miller was a good man and ought not to have been despised for the number of good men is not so great as to make them worthless yes he was indeed a good man for he endeavoured to keep the service of his maker continually before his eyes to it the rule of his actions during the day and the subject of his prayers at night a strict of the established religion of the land y he served his king with integrity and and his god with fidelity and zeal if be made an idol of any thing it was his wife and well he for she was a good and kind one and he was proud and happy in the possession of such a treasure but her sickly friend he could not understand nor why she was not as cheerful as himself and mary so he fixed upon the absence of religion as the cause and perhaps he was not so far wrong as in the means he adopted to remedy the evil for he read the bible to her till she was weary of hearing it and good books in such numbers tliat she forgot both their nature and their names and all the while her wandering spirit would fly to happier and clearer skies leaving the dull realities of life behind the first coming of spring is peculiarly delightful to those whose minds are at who feel the importance and the of entering upon another year of duty and enjoyment and can look up to their creator with that he has given them a taste to enjoy the one and a reasonable hope of being able to perform the other the first pale snow drop that burst from its icy prison mary gathered and presented to her friend and the first lamb that brought in she would have given her too thinking it might amuse and interest her but s heart was far away from the simple pleasures of the cottage and she cared for none of these things when the first song of the lark was heard one bright sabbath morning as they walked to church mary looked up to the skies and inwardly blessed the god of nature who had placed her in a world so beautiful and happy while bent her eyes upon the earth and wished that httle bird w ringing over her grave and yet she had the reliance upon the and fidelity of her lover but for all that she was not happy she believed too that he would come again and find her even in her obscurity and yet she was not happy all around her was contentment and peace and yet she was not happy ah that we could always compel ourselves to a strict impartial and thorough investigation into the causes of our that we would make an which admits of no why we are not as the merciful author of our doing designed we should be our blessings and counting the which his gracious hand upon us would not such an generally produce the conviction that we are not giving up the whole heart to him who has an right to rule over it that we are making f the hall and the cottage i no better than a that if he will us some particular request we will til en serve him or turning to of clay which in a single moment may be broken into fragments at our feet what am i o lord that thou thus be of me o make me more worthy to partake of thy was the simple and earnest prayer of mary every before she retired to rest while became a stranger to the duty of prayer altogether for the present she knew of no blessings at least she felt none for which to be thankful and lor the future she had but one overpowering and if that should be denied she believed it so utterly impossible to be resigned that she never even help from til at being to whom all things are possible and thus being unable to say with full sincerity of heart even as thou o my ji father she that father in the morning of her days and went on her way april came at last to s anxious wishes and with it a letter announcing the intended return of he was to take his residence at the hall for a few weeks until all arrangements were made for his journey for a journey for he never spoke of going abroad or of the future without with his plans of pleasure and yet there was nothing said of but a | 41 |
time flew on and yet her decision was not made the evil day was put and surely there could be no sin in thinking of it till that day should really come recollect said one evening when they were about to part that you have yet given me no promise and that in three days i shall be gone stood for sometime in speechless and motionless silence and then said but audibly then in three days i must either go with you or be left behind were there no words she could bring in to that fatal journey but tliis sim m the hall and the cottage i pie expression of total and solitary i must be led behind a sound that touches so painfully upon the woman felt all its force and exclaiming with effort then i will go she tore herself from her delighted lover and hurried over the fields and through the little gate opening immediately beside the door that was once her father s she entered it was the time of evening prayer his wife and servants were gathered together in the performance of this holy duty and knelt down beside them but o what a contrast to the quiet and peaceful inhabitants of that dwelling her hair fell around her in loose her cheek was flushed and her eye wild and wandering she uttered no response to the prayers she joined not the hymn which that night arose to heaven mary went with her friend to her own apartment or she thought she must surely be ill and might want something so setting down the candle she said she would stay with her until she went to sleep no no said you are very kind but i would rather be alone then i will come again and so saying she left the room and when she returned it was with the quiet step of a mother who fears to wake her child finding was not asleep she stooped over her and said she had just come to see that she was comfortable and wanted nothing there is one thing i want said for her heart was melted and she stretched out her arms to meet the embrace of her i want to pray for me i am a weak and sinful creature but i cannot tell you all now no mary you must leave me for i am so very sinful that even your presence is not welcome to me and thus they parted for the night in the morning was not disposed to be more nor mary to intrude upon her confidence so they both went through the day with more than usual reserve but mary s suspicions were awakened and having heard that was in the neighbourhood it was not difficult to the rest there was beside a slight appearance of preparation in s room and mary s fears were wrought up to the most apprehensions it was on the night before that fixed upon for the departure of the lovers that after a long season of communion with her own heart mary entered the chamber of her friend determined not to leave it until she had wrung from her a confession was still up and busy with something which she hastily concealed her looks were confused and her whole manner was constrained and embarrassed said mary herself and her candle i have come to talk with you for a little while i know that my company is an intrusion and i once thought that if ever i should arrive at this conviction i should leave you for ever but i am not yet prepared to leave you though you seem disposed to shake me so i have come to ask you a single question and because i am in earnest in serious and sad earnest i will at once to the point and now ask you if you are not in the secret of heart a design upon which you cannot before you go to rest this night pray for the blessing of almighty god bent her eyes upon the ground and was silent for some time but at length she roused herself i will never be guilty of telling a deliberate falsehood to you or to any one and since by i should stand as much in your eyes as by a disclosure of the whole truth i will tell you that to morrow night will set off for italy at eleven o clock his carriage will pass your gate and i am to be his companion a long silence followed for had nothing more to say and mary not prepared for so sudden so awful a termination to all her love and all her kindness thoughts of tenderness mingled with the pictures of private life recollection of early years rushed upon her too powerfully for utterance and she burst into tears i know what you are thinking of continued you are thinking of my ingratitude to you and ah mary when i am laid upon my death bed i shall think of it too i believe i was replied mary but it was a selfish and thought and then taking the hand of her friend she continued let us turn our attention to considerations let us think where that death bed may be but first tell me truly did my senses deceive me and she in such plain and homely words that the poor victim of self deception who had been her understanding with the of poetry shrunk back wounded and terrified from mary s strict and determined investigation of the truth while all that she could venture in her own defence was a few words about her lover s devoted and generous attachment oh trust him not replied mary the generosity of man wakes only while his passions sleep and as for his love think not of it a few years will pass away and he | 41 |
will laugh at the village girl who was the of his youth and she will be dying in that far country where there is not a single friend to protect her mary you do not know it is impossible that you should know the strength of a love uke ours then because you wander out by moonlight and read verses and sing love songs together you think you know better than we do what belongs to true and faithful love listen to me my poor friend i cannot speak in polished language but i will tell you a plain truth the man who leads you from the path of duty and calls upon your generosity for the sacrifice of your good name is not your lover he is your enemy no though he may follow flatter and serve you i repeat what i have said he is your enemy but he who to correct your who points out your faults who loves you most tenderly when you are serving god even though you should at the same time be him with this man you may reasonably hope to live on earth with this man you may hope to live more happily in heaven i know that you look down with contempt upon the affection which between miller and myself but that humble man whom you despise would sooner part with his right hand than he would make me a fit object for the finger of malice to point at with scorn and derision then will you mary never look upon me nor call me your friend again that is a question which i am hardly prepared to answer i have to reason with you coolly and without throwing into the scale the least of individual feeling for we ought to look up to higher considerations but since you have asked me i will say that i do not believe there is any circumstance in life that can tear away my deep rooted love for you nor any situation in which i would yoa i like not professions but i do that in the lowest pit of wretchedness and vice i should be ready to seek you and if it were possible to save you nay do not weep yon surely must have believed as much as this of me before or else my conduct has sadly my feelings but i will talk no more of myself it is for you that i feel this anxiety for you who have dwelt in the bosom of a kind family who have been brought up ill the and of the lord are you prepared to meet the common of life without a home in your sickness a friend in your sorrow or the of religion in your remorse are you prepared to live on from day to day without asking the blessing of your creator at your lying down and your are you prepared to be hurried to the grave by the hands of strangers with no tear shed over you no memorial but in the wounded spirits of those who would gladly remember you no more and this is but an outline but a faint sketch of the the hall and the cottage fate to which you arc about to yourself fill it up with all that you can of wretchedness and the picture will not be less true i know too well that i have to offer you on the other side little as regards the things of this world but oh let me you to trust in who can make a path for his people through the wilderness we cannot tell when the precious will fall nor discern which is the rock that will be smitten nor say in what quarter the pillar of fire will first appear but we know that his promises are sure and that he will never leave nor his suffering people into his hands i commit you beloved friend of my youth farewell and may his blessing be upon you on the following morning a note was brought to which she read hastily and then presented in silence to her friend it ran as follows dear i have but a moment of time to tell you that i still keep to my purpose of going to night and as a proof how much i leave you to the liberty of your own choice i propose the following plan at eleven my carriage will be at the gate you of course will be at your window if you are still generous enough to make me you shall wave a white handkerchief and i will fly to you but should anything have occurred to alter your determination and i see no sign i will pass on and the world will be to me a wilderness f l thank god exclaimed mary you are not forsaken here is an easy escape for you strengthen yourself for the trial and all will yet be well this plan is admirable for you will never meet again and the temptation will be so much less but tamed away from these congratulations to hide her tears for mary in her had hit upon the expression of all others least calculated to convey anything like pleasure to the mind of her friend you will never meet again finding it almost impossible for minds the influence of such opposite feelings to meet together through this in anything like confidence mary busied herself more than usual with her domestic affairs and spent nearly the whole time in the solitude of her own room once or twice mary knocked at her door but as opened it without saying a word she made some indifferent about ordinary concerns and her to the meditations of her own heart wisely judging that after having said all she could when the ar of friendship was open to urge her with repeated arguments and entreaties would only | 41 |
be her own purpose by the opposition of her friend it was a quiet day in april but there were no showers nor any wind and the sun shone out upon the opening flowers the burst forth and the bees were awakened from their long sleep the birds were busy with their nests singing as they built their summer homes the fields were green and the in merry troops over the smooth lawn that lay beside the garden and orchard of miller who stood for a long time upon the threshold of his door as if hesitating which he should most enjoy the fair face of nature smiling in her loveliness without or that which perpetually blessed his peaceful home within you would have thought to see that man when he looked around him that his cup of happiness was full and yet when he turned to enter there was an expression upon bis countenance that seemed to say i have yet more at the pleasant window of a chamber in that same house a window that looked out upon the same lawn and was lighted up by the same cheering sunshine sat a melancholy creature almost without life and apparently without motion that glorious fell upon her cheek as upon a marble statue that fair land cape smiled before her in vain and those merry birds what was their ceaseless song to her who knew neither sound of joy nor sight of loveliness to whom the heavens were darkness and the earth a desert pictures of private life the evening came the gray still evening and the birds that had been busy ail the day folded their weary wings to rest the curtain of night fell silently and was alone alone in the presence of her it is not difficult to cherish in our an evil purpose while engaged in the active scenes of life and associated with beings frail and as ourselves for the bustle of business and the of society both tend to drown the whispers of the still small voice but in the solitude and silence of tl night when we are taught from our to believe and feel in our inmost souls that an almighty being is watching over us that he who the blue vault with an innumerable multitude of stars and led the silver moon along her pathway in the heavens and spread the silent and refreshing upon the and hushed the winds at his bidding is regarding with eyes of and love the creatures whom he has sent for some wise purpose to trace out their pilgrimage through a life of trials and temptations ah it needs a heart of to look out upon a world and up the glorious heavens and yet keep this evil purpose unchanged was more than commonly alive to the sweet influences of nature and perhaps no other medium could have been found so effectual to restore to its proper tone her wandering and distracted mind there was a sound of distant wheels no it must have been the rustling leaves of the for this was not the hour again it was no deception she heard them afar of and they came nearer and nearer to the appointed place and stopped for a few moments all was silence and then tlie carriage rolled on and the sound died away upon the breeze it was but for a few moments that her spirit had to struggle witli temptation but were they not ages in their intensity of suffering chapter let not those who make great to duty be led on by the hope of immediate reward when a limb is severed from the human body the first terrible stroke is not all that has to be borne there are seasons of pain and suffering that must inevitably be endured and when an idol of clay is broken in the dust it requires time for reflection before its can be convinced of the reality mary had not entered the chamber of her friend because she wished her to look for assistance to a higher power she therefore retired into her own closet and spent the dreaded time in prayer but she too heard the carriage wheels and knowing en passed on that her friend was no longer in danger she rose up with the of one who has experienced a merciful those who would devote themselves to the service of their fellow creatures must be prepared for many an ungrateful return for many a heart to which nothing but the consciousness of being about their master s business can reconcile the sensitive mind those who would save a sufferer from death must present an unwelcome draught to lips that its bitterness and those who would save a soul from sin must bear with that rebellious soul in all struggles to for it is not by one tremendous effort that the bonds of earthly passion can be broken the work in which they are engaged is a work of patience not of triumph and there must be long seasons of painful endurance of and prayer which nothing but a deep and devoted love to the heavenly father whose service they are engaged in possibly enable them to sustain when mary entered the chamber of her friend early on the following morning she found her agitated feverish and restless i am not resigned were tlie first words that spoke i wish i had gone ti e hall and the cottage but you must be convinced that the choice you made was a right one i can hardly say that it was my choice i wished to go and yet had no power to j wave the handkerchief there was something so still so calm all around me and i thought of that beautiful h we learned when we were children though no man thee yet thee and it seemed to strengthen me for my trial | 41 |
then let us together offer up our thanks to him who stretches out his hand for the of his rebellious creatures when they will not struggle for themselves but i am not sufficiently thankful yet mary perhaps the time may come when i shall bless you for what you have done oh not me you have nothing for which to bless me you should only bless that being who gave me a heart to love and a wish to save you but i am not saved yet i commit no sin because i have no temptation i submit because is vain but i do think that if would come back and speak one land word to me i would go with him at this instant mary inwardly thanked that such a trial was ot be repeated and she bore with s day day without reproach and even without for she believed that brighter hours would come and that her beloved friend would live to see more and to feel more calmly and here let us pause awhile to what is the cause and the root of that which an inexperienced writer has attempted to describe it may be from her own want of mental power with a feeble and useless pen is it not in the cultivation and encouragement of those feelings which are not calculated to afford either satisfaction to ourselves or benefit t others in the planting in our own garden those seeds which are only capable of in a totally different soil in an desire after those pleasures which however law in themselves are and ought to be to os and a consequent looking down upon such as are set before us with indifference or disgust oh that we would teach ourselves that some kind friend would teach us rightly to value and to use that wisdom that is given to man that he may profit withal that wisdom which us to be that he who created us knows best for what situation we are most fitted in a world where so many different degrees of moral and physical beauty are no doubt for wise purposes permitted to exist and that when we are desiring what belongs not to our own sphere and indulging in the vain thought that in some other station we could be more virtuous and more happy we are in fact murmuring against the of providence and the wisdom of almighty what is the sum of misery brought upon the world by this dreadful delusion no pen can describe how many with wounded spirits and aching hearts have looked back to the morning of life when this important choice was made with the things that are and desire of those which might be in thousands of instances it has been the root of that fatal malady which is called a broken heart and in the present it well nigh cost the sufferer her life her wretched earthly life not that which is eternal for in the quiet hours of a lingering illness other thoughts arose that wore a different character the strength of earthly passion was subdued the clouds of earthly prejudice were swept away before the clear of truth late awfully late when it first shines upon the steps that are descending to the grave when it first lights up the eye that is about to close for ever chapter when the summer came and spread her smiling flowers in the path of and mary was not able to in their she was too l feeble to take and the evening to others so cool and to her were chill and damp and cheerless but she never allowed herself to complain she never spoke of italy and the name of never passed her lips only sometimes when she drew shivering to the fire mary could see that the tears were in her eyes and then she knew that her spirit had flown away to distant lands it was but twelve short months since that proud came into the neighbourhood since was rich in the possession of youth and health and happiness and now what a picture of melancholy did her faded form present of melancholy but not of despair for she never murmured and sometimes her countenance would be up by a smile that showed how much she was striving against the tide of painful and emotions which often seemed ready to rush in and her reason it was a faint and sickly smile that told more than tears what her heart had passed through like the first gleam of sunshine on the landscape which the tempest had laid waste the first of the trees when the has torn their branches the autumn of this year was unusually mild and genial and so gentle and was the progress of s disorder that mary saw no reason for alarming apprehension it was undoubtedly a frail to which her spirit held but there were no symptoms of immediate danger much depended upon care and quiet and here all circumstances were in her favour for no one could have a better nurse than mary and no place could be more quiet than the village of l when the were not there to disturb it day day passed on with its little routine of domestic duties rumour was silent and scandal slept for was ill and poor and those who had once envied could now afford to pity her on one fine sabbath morning in september when mary returned firom church she found thai her had risen without any assistance bad dressed herself and was seated in a high backed arm chair formerly occupied by her father you should not have done this said mary you know it is too much for you i believe now that it is too much for me but i did not think so an hour ago perhaps it might be the | 41 |
only alive but evidently gaining strength and painful duties which in her weakness she had set aside as utterly now came crowding upon her in terrible magnitude and hated reality and then the indescribable gloom and darkness of that little chamber in which she first arose from her sick bed and looked out again upon a world which presented nothing to her eye but an interminable waste of how little do we know ourselves had imagined that in the calmness with which she had welcomed the approach of death there was mingled no share of willing submission to the will of a gracious and providence but where was that submission now alas j it had only been for no sooner was the decree gone forth that she must live and not die then her heart was torn with and her cup of wretchedness was full there is nothing more selfish than melancholy and lamentable is it to find that the sentimental world have invested this absorbing malady with a kind of interest which makes it rather sought than by vast multitudes of young ladies who too indolent to exert themselves hang their heads for weariness grow for want of exercise and sigh for want of fresh air who read novels for want of rational excitement fall in love for want of something else to do fancy themselves because they are in fact nothing and out to troops of confidential friends long histories of imaginary troubles because they know no real ones the victims of this disease may be known by their perpetually about pains and nerves occupy their attention when they wake nightmare when they sleep and self always their dearest friends may and die they are too languid to nurse them a miserable population may be starving around they are too to feed them and crosses may be sent amongst the circle in which they exist they have a silent sorrow so deep and overwhelming that they can neither pity nor relieve them and they would rather give a lecture on their own than listen to the rejoicing of a multitude if they escape the temptation of a sinful world to which their minds are peculiarly open from having had raised up in them a false appetite a craving for food it is but to drag on a neglected weary and existence and to arrive at the of the grave without having gathered one flower to it and to look forward into eternity without having one rational ground of hope to glimmer in the gulf of darkness such is the history of the last stage of the existence of many a melancholy young lady who while she was young might very beautifully have hung her harp upon the and the world at first might have sighed over its silent and pitied the mute but neither a silent harp nor a mute will long engage the sympathy of the world we must either play for its or labour in its service iti stirring extend not their patronage to any member and if we will sit down by the way side while our more energetic companions pass on the inevitable consequence will be that we shall be behind if not actually under their feet chapter xiv is there nothing said miller to his wife one day as they walked to the house of a neighbour is there nothing that can be done for this poor young woman do the hall and the cottage think that if she could get out a the fresh air it would not do her r had long dreaded this remark almost a relief to her when it and yet she knew not what to say in of her friend for she believed in her bat she was now capable of active duties yet she saw her day languid and weary of it was a delicate and painful task le her as mary was situated for it seemed almost like the of sickness but if not rouse herself it must be done for there was neither kindness or in permitting her to be so lost and re one fine sunday when lad ventured down stairs to join the and had even been attracted to the y httle s exclamation about and mary was glad to of a message from old as an to the lecture which she follow if necessary t exclaimed as soon heard the name i had quite forgot r where does she live e lives in the house at the the lane and i assure you she has gotten you for she asks about md the last time i saw her she desired tell you as soon as you were able to ut that she had something to tell you i suppose is a secret for she wished go alone hat can it be said i will to morrow or at any rate as soon weather is mild e shall hardly have it than to i but you know i have not walked for ould walk with you to the door it is yards and the poor old be so glad to see you besides be something of consequence for she very grave and very earnest when d me the tale of and the mountain probably did not occur to at the time or she might very reasonably have asked why the old woman could not come to her so a great deal of with her curiosity which refused to be satisfied with any thing short of payment in full she muffled herself up and leaning on the arm of her faithful friend walked to her own ment quite up to the cottage without any extraordinary fatigue s little room had been swept and the door was set open to admit the scent of sweet and southern wood the kettle was humming on the fire and she herself with neatly pinned and white apron sat beside the open window over the pages | 41 |
they walked together down the lane and if i might make bold to ask you i think it would be a comfort to me just to come and read to me sometimes when you are quite well but not before for i never was a scholar though i can spell something out in the hut the tracts that mrs miller leaves me i cannot puzzle them out at all this good woman does sometimes read them to me and says she would do it but she has no time for it is wonderful how much she does in the village besides attending to her family and teaching her brothers and sisters their lessons teaching them their lessons exclaimed for a loud peal was now rung upon her conscience and she seemed in one moment to awake to a full and perfect sense of her own and ingratitude good night said she when they parted at s door send for me whenever you cure at liberty and i will come and read to you with an manner that evening joined the family of her she was it is true much distressed when looking back upon her past life and while they all knelt down in prayer together her cheeks were bathed with tears of sincere and but now it was an active sorrow that she felt a sorrow that urged her to begin a new life and redeem her lost time in the morning however the difficulties attending upon the commencement of a different course appeared much greater than they had done with the of the evening to oppose them and she lay awake a long time pondering upon the possibility of performing the which presented themselves could she really go down to mary with a formal proposition to take upon herself the education of her brothers and sisters it was almost impossible for besides herself in a long series of disagreeable occupations it would seem like an of her past and neglect and she felt little disposition to bear the triumphant looks which she knew that would throw towards his wife while he seemed to say so she has come to her senses at last no no said she up her head with the bed clothes i cannot do it yet and then she thought of all the little one another their red faces and coarse hair their and stockings and and she was quite sure it was impossible so she took her breakfast once more in her own room but the morning was fine and she soon arose and opening her window looked out into the garden where was digging and mary standing beside him in earnest conversation i should be very glad to do it said the husband as he stamped upon his but these times are so and really our expenses this year will be very considerable let me see how much would a quarter s be i would not ask you said mary if i had time to teach her but you know i have as much as i can manage with our own young people i wish that trouble was off your hands said he of the that it might be ihe if i would consent to let my father send them to school but i always put him ofi thinking it will be a nice thing for when she in my opinion she never will recover murmured the husband and then they went to another part of the garden leaving to with what appetite she might the bitter food they had so set before her a struggle of a few moments her decision was made and she went down to her friend who was already surrounded by her little flock mary s own words a nice thing for still ringing in her ears i have come to help you mary said the invalid thank you thank you replied her friend but you must take this chair by the fire from which she arose and placing before the table and the desk her for a while on the plea of other engagements l kindly that her first into office would be more easily endured alone it is scarcely possible that any one should wish to know how the business of that morning was carried on those who have in a school with a sad heart and a weak body know that it is an occupation which bids defiance to all the powers of description many were the anxious glances turned towards mary s stately dock that day both by the scholars and their poor mistress at last in its own good time it struck the welcome hour of twelve and books were violently shut and and with one string snatched up and nailed on the floor and benches replaced and all the noisy party took their leave except little who silently stealing towards s chair and looking up into her face with affectionate concern said i am glad to see you better again miss thank you my love said as she tried to lift the little girl upon her lap but finding she had not yet sufficient strength she bent down her face to s rosy cheek while her tears fell fast and mingled with the of the child in the afternoon the boisterous little party come again but mary insisted upon attending to them herself during half the day until was stronger and better able to bear the fatigue she would very gladly give them up to her in the morning for she had many other occupations which she could not well neglect so soon however as was able to bear with them all the day she made no farther resistance and it was astonishing how cheerful the young found herself when the clock struck five and she felt that a very important though somewhat irksome duty had been faithfully performed the evenings were now growing long enough for a walk tea and | 41 |
could not deny herself the luxury of walking alone sometimes with a volume of in her hand and sometimes with the reins of imagination let loose that fancy might at will over the pleasures of the past and feast again from the forbidden tree the inevitable of which was that she always returned from these walks with an additional cloud upon her brow and a heavier load upon her heart are you going to walk this evening said her friend one day as they were just finishing an early tea replied that she was and mary then proposed that she should go with her to see a poor girl who had been dreadfully burnt to which not being able to state her objections reluctantly consented on their way mary told the history of this poor creature whose recent accident indeed formed the only incident of any interest in her whole life for she was a from a parish about the age of sixteen who had come to exchange her services for her bread in the family of a very small farmer in the village ofl it supposed that having risen one morning early to light a fire she had fallen asleep while blowing it for when her shrieks had roused the family she was found lying upon the hearth but never was able to explain what was the real cause of die accident the of the neither very kind nor very prudent only shriek in concert with the girl and the master added his bass wondering why people need have such creatures in their houses for she had always eaten more than she was worth and when the doctor was sent for he would not stir an inch towards the place before be had informed himself to what parish she belonged and whether he was likely to obtain a full and speedy for his pains she is a great continued mary she has been laid upon her bed without the power to move for ten weeks and there is no prospect of her recovery yet no one cares whether she lives or dies except for the trouble she is to them she has so many frightful wounds that she requires a great deal of support and i do believe she is by the parish every morsel that she the hall and the cottage and all day long her master and ss are quarrelling about her the one that she cannot do without some nurse her and the other saying all of cruel things in her hearing about beggars hanging on their hands and the bread out of their mouths this time the two friends had reached use they knocked and after time the door was opened by a ly woman who let them in with many that she was now never fit to be y any one she then showed them little sleeping room on the on a narrow bed without the poor orphan girl her cheerful peeping over the bed clothes that lone of the her eyes were nd bright with fever her teeth white with every hunger she was a not that she was really too y supplied but the state of her body a continual craving for food she laid down the bone and for this was not her first visit and d never heard any one speak to her so as mary ia her whole life y asked her a few questions and then lined that her friend should see for what real misery there was in the she folded down the bed clothes could be aware of her intention and d to her astonishment and horror of one arm and shoulder are say you think it looks very bad said the poor girl to but i m quite easy now it s when love me that i suffer most perhaps bear it so well as i might for they i should not complain it s they that to complain who have all the trouble deal of trouble they have i m sure it s no fault of mine it s ten weeks la am since it happened and if it was this good lady i should feel the time ut she comes every two or three days en it s something to think about so that i get on very well except for the and the as i said before and you want for nothing asked mary oh no nothing i have every thing i can desire and your mistress is kind to you she s kind in her way ma am but that s very different from your way mary then offered to read to her her to choose out of a number of tracts or if she preferred it a chapter of the bible the girl chose the latter and while sat listening to mary s gentle but voice she could not help wondering how it was that she felt so much happier that evening than when she walked out alone or with only for her companion this you must allow to be a real misery said when they left the house i should indeed say it was a real misery replied her friend if he who sends to try his creatures did not dispense his too i have seen this poor child often yet have i never heard her complain and if a countenance might be trusted i should say that she was not only resigned but cheerful it is true she is treated with what we should call cruelty and neglect but never having known the comfort of kindness she does not feel the want of it she knows that she must die and yet i do believe this poor creature is blessed upon her sick bed witli such glorious visions of a future life as a king might wisely give his crown to purchase then ought not this to be a lesson to us and a warning to | 41 |
i should be jealous the last thing on earth i should think of for between ourselves sir is now so much engaged with public affairs that he cares no more for beauty than i do for business indeed said with well acted astonishment there was a looking in that painting room ask not why placed in the best possible situation and in this mirror were at this time reflected the figures of the two ladies in clear and striking contrast the temptation was irresistible one glance was ail that ventured but that glance was to bring the glow of womanly triumph into her the beauty which she would not at this moment have exchanged for a for lady was a little hard woman with dull grey eyes and a complexion with which all the colours of the rainbow either singly or must the different reflections which the mirror had excited followed each other much more rapidly than they could possibly be described and all the while the eloquent lady went on did you ever see sir he is i assure you the best subject in the world for a picture his hair is not so dark as yours why bless me her eyes to their utmost width you are exactly like a picture i found soon after we married hid behind a trunk i did not observe it while you looked so pale but now it s very odd i never saw a greater likeness in my life i remember asking sir about that picture and he told me some story about its being painted by an italian artist i should like to see it said with well affected curiosity as soon as she had recovered her self possession you shall if i can find it but that is hardly probable for i believe it was put pictures op private life away in one of those haunted rooms at the top of the house where no one dares to go alone but go myself and send it to you it certainly has more colour than you have now and looks i will not say younger but happier however you shall see it yourself and so saying the busy lady wished them a good morning and hurried home a good natured little woman said as soon as she and mary were to themselves sir had a fine taste for beauty hush hush take care what you say nay i would not for the world say any thing against this good lady who seems so graciously disposed towards her humble servant but did you ever see any thing like her choice of colours a bright nay do not look so grave mary i will not say another word if i you but do you know i have been to paint a portrait sir impossible i yes i assure you it was so and now mary what do you say shall i dress myself all in a green mantel as ladies do in story books and hie me to sir s and to his lady s bower and the great and small which is the fairer flower i think can trust you trust me mary you may indeed trust me for all the wealth this lady possesses and her rank if she could it upon me would not place myself in such a situation in course of a few hours a parcel was brought to which she took her painting room and unfolded alone with tiie door barred her chair placed beside the fire and her feet resting upon tlie it was indeed her own picture too like herself for it was much tlie worse for the time which had passed since it was painted you have been ill treated too said she she looked at the dusty edges and tlie broken canvas which never had been thou t worthy of a frame it was the same picture which had once been seized as a prize and borne away in triumph now rescued by tlie hand of idle curiosity from the darkest lumber room in the great mansion of him who had gazed upon it with eager admiration looked at her poor portrait for a long time and then exclaimed lady have richly repaid me when i saw you in the mirror i felt a moment s triumph now yours is the triumph and mine the humiliation you are not conscious of what you have done but i thank you from my heart and so saying she laid the picture on the fire and was quietly watching the smoke and flames curl over it in fantastic wreaths when suddenly that it might be for she folded it again in its cover and never looked at it from that time nor is there any reason to suppose that it was ever thought of again within the proud walls of hall chapter xvi when the first difficulty of returning to her pursuits was over applied herself to them with as much as ever and in this manner the summer passed away cheerfully and all the household of miller but most of all with mary for she saw that her friend was returning to her former nay to her better self and tliis had long been the first wish of her faithful heart lady called and really took a good deal of pains to cultivate ao intimate acquaintance with the lovely artist as she called her but had loud warning of experience still sounding in her car and in this instance there was little temptation to risk a second trial of her strength for added to her great to go to the hall or to meet sir in any way she felt so little interest in his lady as sometimes to meet her with f mm the hall and the cottage almost on contempt od thus in proportion as to turn away her eyes from the dazzling of polished life she acquired the | 41 |
of perceiving and admiring much that d before escaped her notice in her own m walk and with this power came also degree of charity and general benevolence made it by no means a difficult task to ten with respectful attention to s ng stories and perhaps mary never was than when she saw her husband and tr friend talking and smiling together on of cordial familiarity music and painting were to almost necessary after the dost and e of the school room and often hen the clock had struck the welcome hour she would take her into the and seat herself in an which had made almost to the solely for her safety and for years she had been in the habit of that humble n which to one chance of being thought pretty risk twenty of being pro very poor and now unconscious a listener she amused herself with singing following words mary lee ballad go to the world s end for thee sweet lee i d pluck the flowers of a nd bring them home to thee i i before mary lee and i u love another i break my heart for thee i listen to the because she sings like thee ob i d go to the world s end for thee sweet mary lee i me the summer flower that has turned to the blast an her sweet scented leave and kept them while ic d me the lovely woman and gladly will i see one who has never lent her ear to man s bo shalt thou find a wiser and it may be bat not a kinder maiden than poor mary lee her love it was not given by thee she hears thy voice of yet poor mary lee look on her cheek so deadly and on her cloudy brow and ask or thy heart where is her beauty now oh t it was soon to leave her who was so true to thee who never would have served thee so poor lee she never told to any what thy falsehood made her feel she bore her in secret but her wounds they would not heal and now a lonely maiden at evening you may see wandering on the heath poor mary lee i oh pale la now her cheek and slender is her form she neither seeks the sunshine nor f om the storm and hast thou quite forgotten all she was to thee hast thou not a kind thought for poor mary lee thou rt sitting in thy bright bower with thy lovely bride weaving summer to bind her to thy side them and gently lest they away oh it is not flowers that can bind nor love of yesterday them well and fondly and let them be but will she ever love thee like poor mary lee had finished the last verse and was just humming it over in a kind of reverie when she was startled by the of the garden fence and two beautiful rushed past the entrance of the nor was this tha shadow of a tall figure fell upon the walk it was sir himself he had been out shooting and while about miller s fields the sound of s had attracted him towards the spot where she was singing the words he had j pictures of private life heard before and the air he well knew and had praised when sweet sounds were not to him of such rare occurrence he was naturally fond of music and as lady neither played mechanically nor had any music in her soul he felt the greater pleasure in hearing unexpectedly this indeed for a moment he forgot every thing and he over the fence it was from a sudden impulse of feeling without any definite design and in the same manner he addressed himself to the with the familiarity of former days saying it was a long time since he had heard his old favorite ballad it is not to be supposed that could at once command sufficiently to reply or that her countenance betrayed no outward sign of inward emotion for there did at first rush into her cheeks such deep and burning crimson as gave to her dark eyes the sparkling brilliancy of their former beauty but she soon recovered herself and rising up with respectful dignity asked the health of lady sir said no more about the ballad it was impossible to go on both felt there was no common ground on which they could meet every thing was too distant or too near amongst the few advantages that women possess over the nobler sex is an indescribable sort of tact by which in difficult circumstances they can apply themselves with every appearance of to common pursuits or common topics of conversation and thus by an external show of cheerfulness and sometimes levity of they often veil from the eye of the superficial observer hidden fountains of deep and impassioned feeling in this way was able to talk to her companion as they walked towards the house of the beauty of his dogs and the of game of the weather the and as many other things as she could possibly think of before they reached the door here she stopped and begging sir would walk in and partake of some refreshment assured him that mr and mrs miller were both at home and would be most happy to him any thing their house but sir declined taking advantage of their kindness and gravely wishing her a good morning whistled up dogs and walked away rushed into the house and finding mary alone threw her arms around her and kissing her forehead there said she i have borne it well for once in your life mary give me one word of praise for i have ben walking in the garden with sir and never did the mother of a carry herself | 41 |
more distant or more erect then i will say you are a good girl replied her friend or a and prudent woman so wise and prudent mary that if were not married we would establish a community of holy sisters and i be the lady the rigid may probably be astonished that any credit should be to for having resisted the temptation of with a married man but let us pause a moment to consider what is may be the idle of an innocent girl but it too is a game deeply played by a and self interested woman it may be carried on at all ages and by all classes of society in all scenes and circumstances of life in the court and the cottage the crowded theatre and the house of prayer by the miss and the matron the and the who casts up her clear eyes with tlie solemn that no sin does not the possibility of its existence nor beauty it of its hideous reality may raise or the snowy eye lid and the wrinkled cheek with smiles add sweetness to the melody of song and the harsh tones of discord flutter in the ball room in its own character and steal under the mask of friendship upon the the hall and the cottage peace of domestic life like the serpent when it its vile and folds within a bower of roses and for t hat great purpose does thus work its way as a upon society its sole object is to appropriate to itself that it has no power of returning too frequently the faithful and devoted heart of the rich treasure of its best affections and offering in the distorted animation of a countenance the of modesty the forced flashes of a faded eye and the hollow smiles that on a weary lip had been possessed with the demon of she would have raised her to those of sir with exactly the expression which she knew and what woman with fine eyes does not know would have gone nearest to the source of long buried feeling she would have sung that silly ballad again perhaps with trembling and hesitation but still she would have sung it or have tried to sing it and then towards the close of the performance her eyes would have been cast down and a tear might have from beneath their long dark lashes and her voice grown gradually more plaintive until at last it died away in a kind of distant melody leaving her lover and in the most exquisite reverie imaginable from which she would most probably at last have started with a pretended at self mastery and then as she rose to leave the and while sir stooped for her she would have pointed to the blue ribbon by which it was wont to be supported on her fair shoulder saying it was the same which he gave her when in scotland and that she cherished such of past pleasure as all that her existence had now to make it worth enduring and then tears again but not too many lest her countenance should be by this time they would have had the choice of two paths the one leading directly to the house and the other round by a melancholy walk shaded with trees and dark with without any appearance of design she would have chosen this walk in preference to the other first stooping do wn to gather a little of forget me not and placing it near her heart the conversation might then have been led by and ingenious management to former scenes conveying the most touching allusions to sentiments and feelings cherished in vain and over in secret bitterness of soul and thus by the time they had reached the door of miller they might both have been at so high a pitch of excitement that might have forgotten her friend her poverty and her pupils and sir might have paid the same compliment to his lady and after all this might have laid her hand upon her heart as have done on similar occasions and said that she meant no harm she might it is true have done nothing and said nothing which singly examined and considered bore the stamp of evil but what a farce what a folly is this self for by these secret movements from the side of virtue of which no earthly judge can us we place ourselves immediately on the side of vice and to the early practice of this system of though apparently innocent and too pleasing in itself how many have to look back with sorrow and regret from the gloomy close of a despised and old age it may be from the miserable abode of folly and wretchedness and crime the weight of rests not upon any individual circumstance it is the manner it is the motive it is the feeling by which every act word is which the sin and a deep and deadly sin it will be to many in the great day of account when their secret thoughts are laid open that women would be faithful to themselves it makes the heart to think that these high beings who stand forth in the hour of severe and dreadful trial armed with a that knows no fear with enthusiasm that has no sordid with patience that would support a martyr with generosity that a pictures of private life might be proud to borrow and feeling that might as a wreath of beauty over the temples of a dying saint it makes the to think that the noble virtues of woman s character should be veiled and obscured by the taint of weak vanity and lost in the base love of making herself the mockery of the multitude instead of acting the simple and dignified part of the friend the wife or the mother degrading her own nature by in the | 41 |
public eye the semblance of affection when its sweet soul is wanting the altar of love by offering up the ashes of a wasted heart oh woman woman thousands have been by this thy folly but thou hast ever been the deepest sufferer thine is a self imposed and exile from all for which the heart of woman pines in secret over which it in her best hours of tenderness and love talk not of domestic happiness it can be thine no more the plague spot is upon thy bosom and its health and purity and peace are gone forever thou hast fluttered forth upon the giddy winds like the leaf that from the bough the same uncertain blast may lay thee at the root of the parent stem but it will only be to fade and and die oh dream not of returning when tired of idle wanderings for thy return can only be that of the weary dove to her forsaken nest cold and cheerless and desolate chapter xvii for some weeks after this time the attention of lady was too much occupied by an invalid brother lately arrived from from spain where he had been wasting his time and his constitution to allow her any leisure to think of the fair artist who consequently pursued her morning and noon and evening duties without fear of interruption duties that became every day more easy from the and faithful manner in which they were performed sweet are the of and sweet is the return of the willing spirit after it has tasted the bitterness of but was not yet to find her perfect rest temptation was in store for her against which she was to defend herself without the aid and counsel of her friend seated one day amongst her little flock listening to the monotonous of lessons she was surprised by the note from tiie lady the greatest favour upon earth of her who has the power to grant it lord has returned the shadow of his former self the doctors have pronounced his case he fails daily in a few months perhaps weeks nothing will be left to me of my only brother but his likeness if you consent to oblige me i know the task will be difficult for he is an invalid in every sense of the word his disease is an affection of the heart which makes him nervous and irritable in the extreme so that were i to engage an artist from town it might be weeks before we could make sure of one sitting you are on the spot and i can send for yon at the happy moment when he is most at ease i will not insult your feelings by offering any thing of the nature of an equivalent for what no money can repay what i ask of you is an act of great and kindness i think you know me well enough to believe that i shall not be unreasonable or i therefore propose in order to avoid all future difficulty on my part and all unnecessary delicacy on yours that you paint my brother s portrait on the same terms for which i should employ an artist from town and believe me in so doing you confer an everlasting on your the hall and the cottage for a few moments pondered upon the contents of this note but it was a c ie which to a generous mind admitted of no hesitation and she gave her full and free consent to wait upon her at any time she might and then arose the dreadful of her own with a horror of the nervous and the anxiety which such an operation must inflict both upon the and upon the patient or rather the impatient these however are a which none but the portrait painter can imagine for the heartless herd of on who can with that they do not catch the likeness after turning it into every possible direction or who burst into peak of admiration at own on discovering a resemblance to some face as unlike that of the as if in attempting a you had p ted a know not what anguish is shooting through every bone and of the poor artist as he or more unfortunately sits looking at the subject of her performance to see whether patience has really out her last mi of time they mean no harm they know not what they do but the their at the feet of the painter would be a poor for the torture they inflict a few mornings after this received an early summons to appear at the halt with trembling knees and throbbing heart she entered the apartment which had been carefully prepared by lady s orders and then with what confidence she could command busied herself in arranging the window shutters placing her and making ready her own simple apparatus while a well stuffed invalid chair covered with crimson and a standing near it gave indication of the state and dignity of its future having finished all her preparatory work she was glancing from her to her blank canvas and wondering what kind of figure would fill the vacant chair when lady hurried in exclaiming with breathless delight he is coming i declare quite of his own accord and in the best humour imaginable looked round and saw the tall figure of a man wrapped in a purple whose rich of crimson velvet was not able to impart the slightest glow of health or warmth to his countenance a countenance that well might have puzzled calling forth his smiles and no less frequent tears lord was much above the common height of ordinary men and an unusually fine forehead over which a profusion of hair added to something of dignity in his manner made him look taller than he really was his hair was | 41 |
infancy and ask whose watchful eye bent over him in his cradle on whose bosom he wept away the first sorrows of existence and who sung him with her gentle voice to rest who protected his weakness and soothed his and turned his tears to joy who sat his sick bed and watched but never through the night forgetting her own existence in the intensity of her anxiety for his who taught his young lips to utter the first accents of prayer who when the ills of life pressed heavily poured into his wounded spirit and who at last will shed tears of sorrow upon his grave is it not a bright being of the of those of old who stole away in the darkness of the morning to and as a last tribute of affection to their beloved master man had set his seal upon the door of the and him alone to his eternal rest i chapter had lord thought it worth while to practise upon his young companion all the arts of on of which he had once boasted himself the master he would probably not have excited so deep a feeling of interest as bis weakness and suffering had called forth and long did the intervening days appear to before she was again summoned to her appointed task the next time the artist was seated at her lord felt himself so much better as to be able to converse with ease and pleasure and now to his wandering and delighted he poured forth the rich treasures of a mind stored with almost every kind of information selected with taste and judgment from a life of constant amusement and variety and did not hold himself above the trouble of being agreeable even in and to a simple country girl for he saw that she had understanding enough to appreciate his own talents and sensibility to feel gratified by his endeavour to please to say nothing of the vanity of both which formed the chain of connection between their spirits all agreeable ideas and into one bond of sympathy are you going to a party said mary to her friend one day as she watched her a beautiful silk dress to the fashion of the day a party mary how came you to think of such a thing i am only making this frock more fit to in for i am positively ashamed of going to the hall the figure i have lately been there is a look of penetration in some eyes of dark grey which is more to the object of their the flashing of more brilliant and sparkling and mary fixed upon the face of her friend this searching expression ana felt that she was looking at her though their eyes did not meet it was in vain that she tried to change the current of her thoughts she felt that she was blushing and she felt also that she was convicted in an act of folly at last when she could bear it no longer she laid down her work and exclaimed mary you are too deep for me you have discovered what i was trying to conceal from myself that i have really been taking all this pains to make myself look more pleasing and more in the eyes of a man who is shuddering on the brink of the grave i thank you from my heart mary for your well timed and gentle warning you see i am again beset with temptation it is a hard lesson that i have to learn for no sooner is one branch of vanity cut ofi than it puts forth another but if he will give me help to whom alone belongs the glory of victory i will be worthy of your friendship yet mary and with this resolution went to her own room and up her silk dress cast a farewell glance at the mirror before she went to her morning s occupation it was only intended for one glance but the wind had been busy with her hair and sorry we are to say that looked again and again for there were to arrange and a pink handkerchief to so as to give a glow to her faded complexion lord had again sunk into his usual state of brooding melancholy probably from an increase of his bodily bringing as they not do an increased longing to retain a life of which those who cling to it with the greatest profess to be the most and he might besides have his own private reasons for his impending saw at one glance that he was worse and though she made no remark yet she found many excuses for the folds of his cloak she might at the same time pictures of private life place his more comfortably offer him or soothe him with kind words never so touching as when whispered near to the ear in the sweet tones of womanly tenderness there was something in the situation of lord deeply and painfully affecting to a sensitive mind and it afforded him no small degree of gratification to find that was affected by it he had wandered through the world as a stranger from society every thing but what he most wanted the communion of a kindred soul the pure and devoted affection of a and heart in vain he had tried to make any lasting impression upon the feelings of woman as he had found her in the magic circle of fashion glittering in charms and ia false smiles and had he exclaimed returning to liis own chamber my poor loves me better than any of them his sister it is true regarded him with what some would call passionate fondness and he knew that when the hour of parting should draw near she would be overwhelmed with anguish and drowned in tears but he knew also that her light step would over | 41 |
the church yard before his grave was green and yet what bond of union could possibly exist between the haughty lord and the humble he surrounded by luxury and wealth yet suspended but for a few brief moments above the gloomy grave and she a simple country maiden apparently pursuing her homely path with patient steps yes there was a bond them the bond of sympathy felt and acknowledged by both sympathy of taste and thought and feeling sympathy of high purpose and noble sentiment sympathy which no difference of rank or station can subdue sympathy in the inward of the spirit which struggled in vain to support its own existence clinging in its weakness to the of earth and again and again the offer of that hand which alone is mighty to save it was in the cheerful month of june that the noble invalid and the young artist sat together at an open window during the quiet morning hours before the hall was disturbed by and while the dew was yet upon the grass for now they found both time and inclination to converse and lord cast his melancholy eyes upon the clear landscape the blue hills the shining river the green slopes and the deep shadows of the trees but neither the fair landscape nor the scent of summer flowers the hum o bees nor the song of merry birds brought gladness to his soul for he was losing his firm step upon the earth and looking almost his last upon the smiling flowers and listening to the birds that would soon be their happy flight above his grave you will be here said he as if continuing the mournful train of his you will be here when summer comes again and i he paused and looked earnestly at words were upon her lips which might have been in such an hour but she dared not utter them how did her spirit to answer and you will be in heaven all that woman can say with eyes that shine through tears was written in her countenance but she made no audible reply and her companion went on quoting the words of i am egypt dying a fatal malady is upon my heart yet i brave it out to the world and none but my faithful knows that i endure any other than bodily suffering even he knows not the cause but to you i will confess that when i think of forth the boundless ocean of eternity i fed like a fearful child about to enter upon a region of impenetrable darkness in my ride the other day i saw a poor woman sitting at the door of her cottage reading her bible and oh how i envied the hall and the cottage that humble creature upon what to her were the words of eternal truth the same book said is open to all and it is the perfection of that volume that its sacred truths are equally its moral equally serviceable and its religious equally available to the high and the low the rich and the poor the happy and the miserable lord shook his head my mother forced me when a child to learn long lessons from the bible as a punishment when i did wrong and i have never been able o read it since if you would but try my lord said will you read it to replied his and then he smiled as dying men have no right to smile i would do anything said in her own manner to make you less melancholy less and i would were it possible for me to be in raising your thoughts to a in those hopes which alone are able to support the soul in its hour of mortal trial how is this said lord and while he spoke and looked earnestly at tears burning tears were in his eyes and he stretched forth his thin and wasted hand and grasped her arm with something of energy my course through this world has been short and eccentric winning the wonder of the many and the love of the few had i not beneath the shallow surface of profession my vanity might have in yet have i never known from my cradle until this hour one friend who cared about my soul has been very unfortunate amongst the first of earthly blessings which heaven bestowed upon me was a faithful friend a friend whose counsel and kindness have been as a light upon my path and will vou be this friend to me impossible my lord why impossible because you are a man noble and wealthy and accomplished and i am a woman young and poor and and for these qualities i love you better and surely for those you cannot respect me the less my lord tliat very weakness which your tenderness and that dignity which me into respect are with the fair and nature of friendship then call it love if you will it matters little what name is given to an intimacy like ours to be dissolved in a few brief moments but oh do not leave me to myself come often sit with me till you are weary and above all things tell me how to make death less horrible ah you are going again going to gather roses and sit within your sunny bower and listen to the birds that overhead and feel the breath of summer fan your blooming cheek and think not of the weary hours that i am spending indeed why should i am nothing to you i can be nothing and have no right to trouble you with my fruitless held out one hand while with the other she concealed her face and wishing the miserable invalid a good morning went her way to muse upon the various branches bearings of the word a word so important in the of the that it appears to | 41 |
possess the property of discovering whatever is worthy of consideration either in nature or art how interesting the and immediately her beau ideal is clothed in a mantle of imaginary beauty within may be an empty void it matters not vanity or vice may below they are alike misery and disappointment may lie beneath they are endured with the patience of a martyr and why because the object is interesting and consequently it becomes an idol again when anything earthly or has received the fatal condemnation of being pronounced uninteresting how utterly hopeless and vain is every attempt to force it upon the attention of those who have pictures of private life been accustomed to look only through the false medium of sickly sentiment unnoticed by them uninteresting philosophy may labour in secret over the investigation of truth uninteresting charity may go forth upon her errands of mercy uninteresting resignation may watch beside the lowly bed of sickness and offer up from lips her last soul felt prayer and what to them is the incense of uninteresting piety though it should bum upon the altar of the heart all that is gross and and the immortal spirit for a new existence in tl e regions of eternal light chapter xix the ambition of doing good is the last effort of vanity in an amiable mind and the resolution to do good is unquestionably in the abstract but with this excellent resolution there are not certain such as these i shall make myself valuable i shall be more beloved my name will be exalted among the people and mournful it is to observe that the mind of woman is peculiarly liable to fall away from its high purpose into these and which are so placed along the christian s path that there is no footing e found upon the pilgrimage of life without its own temptations and possessed with these hopes retired to her own chamber and while she turned over various volumes and referred to different of scripture which she conceived might aid her purpose there not flitted across her mind the encouraging assurance that he who a sinner from the error of his ways shall save a soul from death and hide a multitude of sins having fixed at last upon the of count hastened early to the hall on the following morning hope in her countenance and triumph in her heart you must read it to me said lord for there is something in your voice that charms away my evil genius so opened her little volume and sat down and thought she had never been so well employed in her whole life but in spite of all her sanguine expectations she could not help perceiving that the thoughts of her noble went not along with her at least with her book and that his eye never rested upon anything but her face and when she closed the book as an experiment to try whether his attention was really fixed he made no remark upon it but seizing the white hand by which it was held out to him pressed it to his lips with every expression of gratitude and admiration it will not do said as she walked home that morning and when she met the calm countenance of her die was more than ever convinced that she had been wrong her pupils too were rejoicing in their prolonged holiday and she herself was returning weary and and not a disposed to be dissatisfied with all around her this picture takes you a long time to paint said mary and who was so conscious that it might have been completed in half the time felt a reproof in the remark which it was not intended to convey i can finish it at one more sitting was her consolation as she went to rest that night and she did finish it and was more than ever on the following morning that the work of was at an end at least that its triumphs were not for her that lord had been amusing himself and gratifying his own vanity by the interest he had excited in her mind and that in order to give this interest a deeper character he had expressed all and perhaps something more than he really thought and felt at the prospect of the awful doom that was impending oh woman in thy mysterious and ufe thou hast many a hard lesson of humility to learn and perhaps none can be more painfully instructive than that which teaches thee that in thy noble and generous desire to serve thy fellow creatures thou has been too high learn then from the experience and the warning of others learn thy young heart is yet by disappointment that thy sphere of merit is a lowly one and above all things go not forth upon the mighty ocean in the hope that thou shall be able to pilot the stately vessel into port let the heavy heave on upon the of destruction thy feeble help cannot avail thou only be drawn within the and lost for ever thy little is made to float amongst the and of the shore to warn the ignorant of danger to gather up the wreck to save the and to comfort the forlorn the last meeting between lord and was a one through which nothing could have supported her but the fruits of a sorrowful experience and a heightened sense of duty it is better much better said she as be walked home that morning and yet tears were every instant starting in her eyes and sometimes there seemed to be whispered in her ear as if by a rebellious and spirit i was but seeking to cheer the last moments of a dying man unable to enter into the affairs of mary s household she retired to her own chamber and here upon reflection she was confirmed in her belief that | 41 |
the path she had chosen was a wise and prudent one the words touch not handle not were continually to her mind these things are not for thee will he repent at thy bidding who has lived to the mature age of manhood in the habitual contempt of religion and forgetfulness of his creator will he be subdued by thy charming whose heart is as the rock or will thy reasoning convince him who has exhausted the powers of an and penetrating mind without having the excellence pf eternal truth touch not handle not go into thy secret chamber and no eye thee offer up thy earnest prayers that he who the path of the eagle in the heavens will turn away the wanderer from the error of his ways and seek not thou to be the instrument look out upon the sufferings of thy fellow creatures diligently watch the opportunity of every duty search the recesses of thy own soul and see whether thy appointed task be not sufficient without higher it was some weeks this time at the solemn close of a sabbath evening that sat alone and at the window of her own chamber the golden tints of the setting sun were fading away the of the village was the shepherd was folding in his sheep the silvery dew was falling and one pale planet shone out from the clear and distant heavens how strange that such a scene the principal of evil should dare intrude alas for our heroine she looked not forth with joy and but tears were stream ing from her eyes and she was that amidst so much peace and loveliness her path must be alone whether amongst flowers or thorns the beauty of the flowers j and the anguish of the thorns must be enjoyed and endured alone where now was her lately acquired submission her patience and resignation selfishness and vanity had again been for the empire of her heart and she was the bitter fruit of their destructive warfare for a short time her former self returned to pine and suffer and when she thought of the mysterious and highly character in whose feelings she was just beginning to hold a share when stem duty her to withdraw it seemed to her that she alone of all mortal creatures was out to resign whatever was most intimately connected with her heart of hearts at last her murmuring thoughts found utterance in words every thing on earth has its little sphere of enjoyment in which it can meet and with others coarse spirits have their social intercourse friend meets friend around the hearth in all the affairs ot human life in commerce as well as religion multitudes together and pursue in concert the great end of their existence the very brutes the flocks that feed upon yon sloping hill enjoy the refreshing of night together the birds have their companions in the woods to whom they can utter a response all the sweet flowers of night and day have their appointed time for looking up in to heaven the stars have their own bright family shining through the blue expanse every intelligence in nature has its kindred essence but i have nothing s complaining ceased and she was looking out again when the solemn sound of a passing bell fell upon her ear she shuddered and turned in the twilight she could just perceive that some one approached it was mary who came with the tidings that lord was dead in an instant was restored to her better self that sudden and awful sound and the unexpected appearance of her who had so often stood beside her as a guardian angel bringing a silent reproof where none was spoken the stillness of the hour and the recollections of the past all mingling together might have overpowered a spirit more hardened and perverse than s mary said she laying her hand upon the arm of her friend there is one duty which we have never since the days of our infancy performed together except kneel down in this quiet chamber and enter into a fresh with our heavenly father that we will drink of the cup which he has poured out for us even though it should be and bitterness that we will walk in the path which he has pointed out though it should pierce our feet with thorns and that we will never turn away nor be to his service though we know that it requires us to give up all and follow him and then from her eloquent lips and overflowing heart she poured forth her gratitude and praise to that being who had thus far conducted her through the wilderness who had borne with her spiritual who had given her a friend as a faithful guide and whom she now implored to look down from his habitation in the heavens upon the worm of his creation by fresh ties of more than earthly union the two friends had knelt together together they rose and the embrace with which they separated that night was warm and pure as in the days of their first love her feeble steps recalled from their slight wandering her good resolutions confirmed after their short lapse went onward in the path of duty for she had learned to and consequently to temptation and having foimd bow with true happiness is the gratification of vanity or ambition she confined her hopes and wishes and even her desire to be of use within the sphere in which her lot was cast on the reading of lord s will it was discovered that he had the sum of one thousand pounds to the who painted his portrait and with this added to the well earned reward of her daily labours contrived not only to maintain a respectable and genteel but to comfort the distressed and supply the wants of the gentle reader forgive the | 41 |
writer of this story that she has no better fate m store for her heroine even in the season of the first grey hair than that of a respected and respectable old maid not a thing of false and false but a woman of delicate and tender feeling of calm dignity and benevolence who mourned no longer that earth afforded her no object or rather no idol on which she might lavish the warm of an heart for she had learned to pour into a thousand that charity long and is kind j to the rescue of from the shades of vulgar oblivion came no knight no steel clad warrior no prince in disguise discovered her to be the the hall and the cottage daughter of his house nor did a make her the of an indian fortune but she continued to dwell in the home of her friend happy and and though highly with those qualities which might attract the attention of the wealthy and the noble she never ventured beyond her own lowly sphere but was content to remain where she had not only the wish but the power to bless that enthusiasm which had given wings to her inexperienced fancy became tempered by religion into energy and hope energy that shrank not from the as well as the most duties and hope that burned brighter and brighter to the close of a useful and weu spent life nor were the tastes and the of her early years extinguished but properly directed and restrained for could still wander forth on evenings even when her had lost its bloom but her wanderings now more frequently terminated in errands of to her humble and though she could still look around her with delight on the charms of nature the world was no longer a mere picture admired only for the harmony of its colouring and the of its different objects but for the harmony of its creation and government and the mysterious and admirable of its different parts beneath the wonder working hand of the great and she could pause to look at the village spire but it was not merely to observe how beautifully it arose from the masses of dark foliage and pierced the sky it was to upon the privileges of living in a christian land where the people of christ may rest under the banner of his love to hear his divine and to offer up their prayers together and if there were times when she was in admiration at the splendour of the setting sun it was with a feeling of for that sign of daily assurance that he who holds our being in his hands not from his own wise and design in which the heavens declare the glory of and the his handy work her cheek i the and her breath has its and the has d her golden hair and her is pale bat no longer and the spirit that on her soft blue eye is struck with cold and the smile that play d on her lip has fled and charm hath now the dead like slaves they obey d her in height of but left her all in her wintry hour and the crowds that swore tor her lore to die shrunk the tone of her last hint sigh and this is man s fidelity all chapter l will my young forgive me if under the character of a story i should in reality h them a sermon and that on the of all possible subjects on the subject of death we learn from an immense number of the of the present day how the righteous pass away from works to rewards and from the public papers how the murderer and the on the but there is an extent of space filled up by those of whose fate we know comparatively nothing those who act their little part upon the stage of life then die and are forgotten it is from this class of beings that i have selected the individual who is to furnish to the attentive read food for serious reflection during the perusal of a few dull pages in order that we may lift th veil by which the moral secrets of the fashionable and well bred may be concealed from vulgar observation and see for once how an amiable and very beautiful young lady may die there lived in a certain large city a family of the name of consisting of a highly respectable gentleman his lady and three daughters to describe them would be a waste of words and patience they were so much like half the people one meets and visits with one thing however ought to be remarked about this family though by no means peculiar to them that while living in a city where the loud death bell was often beard to tou and where as often a solemn funeral was seen to pass along the streets yet for themselves they never thought of death it is true they had been made acquainted with some instances of within their own sphere of observation for once their white muslin dresses came home from the s because as she said her youngest daughter then lay a corpse in the house and their old footman thomas bell died in the the day before the five shillings which they sent him reached his necessities and in high life too had they not known it had they not au worn fashionable mourning for their most monarch king the third and had they not lost a maiden aunt and were not the fountains of their grief staid by a of six pounds yes they remembered all these things and yet they looked upon death only as a frightful and far off monster who might never come to them so they lighted up their drawing room and let down the rich curtains and drew in the card | 41 |
tables and never thought of death perhaps one reason might be they had never known sickness it is true the mother sometimes presented at the breakfast table a countenance pale and cloudy as a morning in november but the evening always found her adorned with ready smiles and new made smiles that betrayed no meaning and that told no tale but one the youngest of the three fair sisters was at this time making her first appearance in the fashionable world she had grown during her last year at school and now though a little in of becoming too stout was as lovely a young ci both in form and face as you could well behold a little in danger of growing too stout has a very serious sound to a young lady aod yet it was much whispered among s friends that in a few years she would be monstrous the gentlemen thought otherwise and swore it was all envy for they could not see a fault in and perhaps she did not see many in herself for she had ears to hear all that love and flattery could offer and eyes to see when gazing in the tall mirror that love had hardly been too partial or flattery too though trained and pushed and forward in all the accomplishments of the age s chief was in music and never did she look more beautiful than when her light and ivory fingers touched the harp for then a rich mass of sunny hair fell over her cheek and forehead often thrown back with girlish carelessness when she forgot herself in any of her favourite airs she had been well taught and her parents had paid dearly for the loss of a fine girl and the of a fine lady but yet she was not wholly refined from the of nature for her wild and merry laugh was sometimes heard through the rooms to the dismay of her mother and the astonishment of her guests as the bird that been taught to sing in measured notes will sometimes return to his own sweet melody telling of woods and streams and mountains and breathing forth the inward of that spirit which it is impossible for art to subdue chapter n could the bright eye the blooming cheek or the polished forehead could all or any of tlie attributes of beauty support us in the hour of trial or cheer us on the bed of sickness they would then be worth and mourning for but there must be something else my young friends to render the pilgrimage of life a path of and peace rich as you may be the grave has closed over the possessor of greater wealth than yours fair as you may be the worm has fed upon a cheek as lovely young as you may be death has laid his icy hand upon those who have not numbered half your years but as this is not the style of preaching which i have the talent or you the patience to pursue we will if you please return again to the family of the not as they first beheld them but a summer had passed away and the the the plays and the parties of another winter had commenced was still the centre of attraction and still she was not wholly but would sometimes look and speak as if at the bottom of her heart there were left some latent feeling that struggled to be free from the yoke of fashion that rose in fruitless efforts to assert itself no longer the slave but the minister of pleasure these of feeling however came like angel visits and when they did pictures of private life come they were so faint so ill defined and generally so mixed up with various and emotions that no one knew from whence they flowed whether from heaven or earth no not even the fair possessor herself only the ladies wondered at those times how so young a girl could venture to talk sentiment still more how she could make it answer when they had so long talked it in vain and at the same time the gentlemen would begin to doubt whether they might not do worse than make serious proposals to miss the oldest sister had been striving for the last five years to attain that footing in society which had been to apparently without any of her own in loveliness her own face would not stand the test of a with her sister s and in accomplishments she was far behind her so taking to herself another standing or rather hanging her in another sphere she determined that their rays should never each other and having failed to be a beauty miss became a blue and with at least wrote to great authors and poor ones and held in her charmed possession the first manuscript copies of half the bright that come forth to or disappoint the expectant winter circle of the second sister it could not well be said that she had ever been guilty of any aim at all and therefore feeling no loss in her sister s gain she would kindly and almost affectionately fall in with her wild fancies when s of spirits from others a somewhat unreasonable submission to her own and follies for was not merely a beauty she possessed a ready and of talent which added to her natural good humour and of mind gave an air of freshness and originality to whatever she said or did her path was not the beaten track of custom she delighted in and charmed her mother s guests by a thousand schemes for their entertainment which they had never heard of before taking this precaution in every thing she introduced tliat her own should be a brilliant and striking part in case of a failure she never sat down with an air of despondency | 41 |
but immediately took up some other plan to cover her defeat so that the company were to go away well satisfied at in this manner the gay evening parties came and went and who was happier than of all the young gentlemen who to her father s house there was none more constant in his visits more attractive in person or more pointed in attentions than harry a young man of fortune just away the winter months before his travels on the continent it was for a long time matter of doubt with the two elder sisters wliich of the three could possibly be the object of but the whole secret had been revealed to during a long walk by the side of the river late in the autumn when a party of pleasure had been formed to visit the ruins of a castle situated some up the stream had always been of water and was happy to be her escort on the shore the dew w as falling heavily the was thick and long and found a more dangerous enemy than she had feared for she dated from night the commencement of a quick and frequent cough which was at times exceedingly troublesome but it was surprising how little she thought or cared about the cough for on this night her lover had declared himself and though she had insisted that nothing should be said on the subject as she was quite too young to think seriously of such a she had kindly promised that she would try to think of it and there is every reason to believe that it did really occur to her thoughts almost as as her lover himself could desire there was such unspeakable satisfaction in knowing that the very man whom her sisters were trying every art to was secretly and surely devoted to her he was so handsome so gay so fearless so playful in his disposition and in every thing so much like h it was worth all the world to hear the whispers of harry when he tried amongst the crowd to catch her attention for a moment while she would pass on with affected carelessness not returning to assure herself of the reality the spirit op joy of weeping and cut the dark weed thy brow come with the spirit of joy and be glad come from the of woe m bear thee away on a lo bright thee with flowers so gay i d thee in of liquid and all thy away for i come from the mountain the heath and the i come with the a wild horn i hare bid th grim deserts of darkness and i dance on the of the i in the of summer s bright hours i sport on the butterfly s wing au mine are the treasures of april s and mine the rich of spring i at the temple the tower and the dome i at the labours of man far in the blue sunny sky is my home and my realm is the rainbow s wide span these words with an exquisite accompaniment had been singing to a crowded audience with so much spirit and that she seemed herself to the ideal being of whom she sung before her light fingers touched the harp she had cleared her white forehead and sparkling eyes from the shadow of rich curls that veiled without concealing her beauty and now the colour of her cheek was deepened by a blush of varying emotions in which were mingled and combined some of the most powerful feelings that are wont to the breast of woman the shame of every eye the triumph of conscious power and and most prevailing the wild of the it was a habit some people said a trick of s as soon as her performance was ended to divert the earnest attention of the company by some playful sally quite to the subject or else to escape at once into obscurity and on this occasion as on many former ones she succeeded in finding a vacant seat beside harry who seldom joined the herd of admirers to worship the star of the multitude but delighted to see that star direct its partial to him chapter iii what is all this about p said she to her lover they had listened for a few moments to a little party of grave personages gathered round miss your sister replied he is her friends on the subject of suicide she is telling them the nature of different and what is the mode of the world oh that does not concern me said for i shall never be tired of living shall you harry not if you will promise to live with me now tell me the truth once said she looking up into his face the truth and nothing but the truth for mind you i have a charm by which i know a and you have told me a great many of late tell me then truly whether you could live without me paused for a moment and then coolly answered i think i could had been gazing on his face with the sweet confidence of a child and perhaps it was the look of her dear and eyes which somehow or other had impelled him almost unconsciously to speak what she had demanded the whole truth which he did at once boldly and thought no more about it but had he been a nice observer of woman s character he would have seen that the ready smile of i tion had passed away from s lips that the blush had faded from her cheek and that though she instantly took up a new print and began to upon its beauties with enthusiasm she bent down her head lower than was necessary that her thick falling might conceal her altered countenance while she wiped from | 41 |
her eye the first tear that harry had ever made her shed it might be that he did not know the degree of feeling of which was capable or that in his own heart there was no such deep and hidden fountain for he never dreamed that he had given pain and would almost rather have wept himself than that eyes so beautiful should have been with tears it was however but a light and passing cloud and those eyes again beamed forth in all their brightness music and dancing drowned the evening in noise and confusion and all was sunshine and glad summer beneath the roof of mr in spite of the wintry that howled without what can be the matter with said a lady to her companion one evening as they returned home from the oh in love to be sure was the reply for her companion was a gentleman she need not pine away for that said the lady for seems as much in love as die does she must be ill that cold of hers lasts so long did you not observe the other day at mrs s how she leaned upon the harp and how dreadfully worn out she looked the first dance as for the leaning upon the harp re i plied he of the charitable sex it was to ofi her figure and young ladies always look languid when they can to excite interest well continued the lady these beauties never last i wish poor mrs may not lose her daughter yet it was true enough was now so weary that she could hardly walk up stairs when the family retired to rest and in the morning there was a cold look about her eyes that might well have startled the fears of a more anxious and experienced parent and her mother did at last begin to think something must be the matter for could not sing as she was wont the highest tones of her voice were almost entirely gone and she seldom got through a piece of music wi out a violent fit of poor girl she has quite her strength said the mother she must have so tried and her cough was worse than ever but it was not before she was obliged io give up dancing too that the family had recourse to medical advice a slight said the doctor and he rubbed his hands for he saw before him a good winter s some persons on looking back would have been alarmed to see how much had been given up during the last few weeks but only laughed and told she was growing quite a saint and that after she would put on a plain cap and go and sit with sister at her class meetings all could have been her bad nights her cough her weakness and all cheerfully but now the ill natured old doctor her going out except in the middle of the day and when the weather was her evenings must be spent at home quietly and without any excitement if the family would stay with her and harry and two or three others would come it might be endured but sometimes she was left entirely alone and worst of all had run through the last volume of the last novel before they returned on sunday however she had them all safely enough and too and a merry evening they managed to pass together for they had y to describe and to and when had their follies second hand it was almost as entertaining as if she had seen them hei self but even these amusements began to pall upon her and sometimes when they looked round for her ready laugh she had j tamed away her face and was quite unable to laugh at all oh the of folly when mortal sickness falls upon the heart it was at the close of one of these sabbath evenings when her sister and had been unusually animated that suddenly burst into tears and led the room what is the matter with that silly girl said miss she grows so there is no such thing as pleasing her no said her sister mary you should not say so was never but her spirits are so weak now that the least thing her and so saying mary followed her up stairs it was well that she did for the poor girl having at last given full vent to her feelings in a violent fit of the of a blood vessel was the natural and fearful consequence from this time never spent the night alone a middle aged woman who had been in the family for many years had a bed placed beside her and she was reduced to the necessity of being in all respects an d still there seemed to be no immediate danger it was a case which needed care and quiet was an excellent nurse and the kindest creature in the world so there was no need to sit much with especially as the dear girl was not allowed to converse and thus she was left hour hour to muse in solitude for those who were nearest and dearest to her knew not that love that will steal into the darkened chamber and watch by the bed side of a beloved object not only enduring but choosing tiiat faithful before au the pleasures of the world that soul felt and expressive still ness when affection like the evening dew sheds her silent influence on the drooping soul there was no immediate danger s excellent constitution rallied again and she was able once more with the help of ton to pace slowly to and fro in her room casting many a wistful glance at the dull window that looked out upon a square of formal garden where the shrubs were up and here and there a wasted of dirty snow told of | 41 |
a chilly and atmosphere with all its melancholy gazed and gazed till she wa wearied out and then she turned within and opened her box of which had pleased her so often but now they failed in producing any other effect than a slight touch of pain it might be a faint apprehension that what had been would never be again which had well nigh brought the tears into her eyes so she asked for her music but music without either voice or instrument is the thing in the world and this failed her too what could she do swallow her sleeping draught two hours before the time and beg of to assist her into bed for she was weary of herself and every thing beside in a few days however had so far recovered as to regain the tone of her mind and with this transient and came busy thoughts of that world in which she had been so bright a star that ungrateful world that never missed nor mourned her as soon as her strength would permit amused herself with looking through her wardrobe one by one her rich dresses were unfolded the was called in to alter them to her present shape and ah it was like a mockery of the grave to see her tall thin figure out in the of fashion and folly and to hear her difficult and laborious and the short quick cough that perpetually interrupted her directions as she told how the the and the folds were to be so placed as to conceal the alteration in her wasted person oh it needs religion to us from the things of earth i pictures of private life chapter iv there is nothing like a return to the domestic scenes and pursuits of a family for giving spirits to an invalid and when released from the prison of her own room really fancied she was gaining strength with her returning spirits the hopes of the family returned and with their hopes the longing to be again in the world just to tell lady b that dear was recovering and then the party at sir robert long s could they refuse that now that pa and sir robert had had a difference about their game it would look as if the ladies of the family wished to keep it up no they must go and not one of them only but all would sit with so they dressed themselves and kissed her very kindly and left her and she sat for a long time listening to the sound of the carriages as they rolled along the street each conveying its rich freight to the door of the wealthy it so happened on that day that had not been invited and hearing that his mistress was again visible and having nothing else to do he went and knocked at that busy door that was for ever turning on its hinges oh how well did know his step as he lightly up the stairs she tried to meet him at the door of the drawing room but her breath failed her and she could only look a welcome kinder than words when her lover first beheld her he started back for there is a disease which makes rapid upon beauty in the course of a few days without the sufferer being aware of any change but he soon recovered himself and began to for his long absence by a thousand excuses which often interrupted by her exclamations of pleasure that he had come at last and so i began to think that you would never come again it is so long since you have been here oh i am so glad to see you it is so dull shut up here alone when they all leave me but come sit down and be as happy as you can and tell me all that you have seen and heard since we last met but do not make me laugh for i have a wretched feeling here laying her hand upon her breast and laughing hurts me worse than anything so they sat down together and fixed their eyes upon the fire and were both silent for a long time did you ever see any one in a consumption was the first question which asked and her lover started for he had been thinking of the very same thing no i never did and hope i never shall your illness is not consumption dear it is not it shall not be then what can be the meaning of all this fever and why i get rid of this horrid cough i strive against it indeed i do and sometimes i think it is all fancy i feel so well but oh harry if it should be and she fixed her eyes upon him with such an expression of wild and agony that he almost shrank was not entirely a stranger to the thought but he had only thought of dying as a man or a soldier in the cause of honour or on the field of battle the certain symptoms of a lingering and fatal malady never before been present to his observation and now when he looked upon the being he had regarded as least mortal and met the glaring of the hollow eye and saw the falling away of the fair cheek the wasting of the once rounded lips and felt the earnest pressure of the thin and feverish hand his spirits failed within him for it was beyond what his imagination had ever pictured what his fortitude was able to endure and he felt that he had no consolation to offer in such an hour as this it is true he loved her but how not as a fellow pilgrim through a of tears on towards a better land not as a creature of high hopes and whose talents are to | 41 |
during part of the evening indeed she felt so well as almost to question the doctor s and could not help asking if she thought there was really no hope oh yes ma am a great deal of hope when the warm weather comes warm weather how you talk woman it is now the depth of winter and the spring cannot come for months yet but oh i dare not think about the spring and she fell into a long fit of childish weeping partly the effect of the she had taken said she as soon as she regained some degree of self command i wish you would tell mr what the doctor thinks but stay give me paper i will write no i cannot guide the pen do steal out and ask to see him yourself and tell him he come once again i will send for him when i am at the best for i would not for the world distress him poor fellow so one evening when she felt able to bear it he was sent for and came with into the room where lay stretched out upon a sofa which had been placed beside the fire for her accommodation when weary of her bed poor girl she had felt strong enough before her lover came but now when he walked silently up to her and affectionately took her hand but most of all when she heard again the weu remembered tones of his rich and manly voice it seemed as if the ties that bound her to the world were drawn about her with fresh power and in that moment she tasted the full bitterness of death asked a few kind questions and that was all for he had not a single word of comfort to offer and there was a in his throat which almost forbade him tp say anything all the while lay stir and motionless she did not raise her eyes nor speak one word yet the were not so closely shut but tliat one big tear af er another stole from beneath the long and wandered down her hollow cheek where a single bright spot of burning crimson told its fearful tale it is impossible to say how long this painful silence might have lasted had the door opened and beckoned out you will be so good an to remember sir said she that i have strict orders not to admit any one i should therefore thank you to leave us as soon as possible when returned he gently took up s long thin hand that lay stretched out as pure and almost as lifeless as marble and said in a quiet voice tliat he feared it was time for him to leave her then and not till then she raised her eyes and looked full into his face there is an expression in the eye that is lighted by the fever of consumption which those who have not seen it never can imagine and which those who have seen it never can forget it was in vain that the poor sufferer struggled to speak her lips quivered but she had no words to express the anguish of her soul stooped down that his ear might catch the sound if there were any and with the hand that was disengaged she raised from his brow the thick curls of hair and then gently his neck with her slender arm drew him still nearer and pressed upon his forehead her farewell kiss saying at the same time in a low whisper it is the last and this was all and he who had so loved her in this world parted with her on the brink of another left her at the gates of death one word about eternity to cheer her on her awful way here let us draw a veil over the closing scene he to whom time has no limits to whom opportunity gives no advantage to whom all things are possible is doubtless able to carry on his own work of preparation in the soul even when the sufferer dies and makes no sign it is the task of the writer to describe as well as feeble powers are able to describe the external evidence of that struggle which must naturally attend the dissolution of the earthly to those who have not a place in any higher habitation thi heart alone its own bitter and the heart alone witness with anguish to that which is in reality the sting of death the victory of the grave chapter v in a few days the public papers announced tlie death of youngest daughter of charles esq and all the ceremony of preparation for the deepest grief went on in the still busy family on the sixth day after tliis melancholy event found himself to his great surprise still thinking of it was true and faithful and looked well not to forget her but to bear about with him continually the remembrance of her loveliness and his own loss was a weakness of which he had not conceived himself capable so he filled another of and determined to be wiser he had that day dined alone at his own table and now sat gazing without a wish at the rich that was spread before him not only without a wish but without a definite idea for he drank deeply with a determination to drown reflection and now the were dancing before him with a dizzy glare and half imagined images flitted by in quick succession amongst which the pale and lifeless form of returned too until at last by one of those unaccountable operations of the human mind by which we sometimes feel impelled to do that which is most to our feelings he started from his seat and determined that he would go and look upon the dead body this resolution formed was soon acted upon | 41 |
for he had neither power nor patience to think and in a few minutes he entered the hall of mr and called she came and neither of them spoke for pointed to the stairs and the woman taking up a tall candle walked silently before until they stopped at the door of what wai once s chamber the door was locked and tried to turn the key without making any noise as if to wake the they four wax candles that stood burning night day two at each end of the coffin gave a pale and light to the pictures of private life chilly aspect of the over th coffin there had been carefully drawn a cover of white muslin which slowly folded down as soon as drew near and he stood gazing on the lifeless figure with the bewildered astonishment of one who has but a partial apprehension of some great and awful calamity the soil of hair that were wont to wave and glitter in the light agitated by the quick and playful movements of her who was so proud to wear them were now out and laid in bands upon the forehead as smooth and close as if no breath or motion had ever stirred them the eyes from which the very soul of merriment had once beamed forth were now for ever folded under their snowy and the long lashes fell with a deep shadow on the cheek the hollow cheek for which health and youth and beauty had once as for a treasure that peculiarly their own and then the mouth where now was the exquisite play of the lips that would puzzle the with such rapid expression of mingled emotions of pride of laughter of contempt until all were lost in a smile so beaming with the best affections of the soul that those who felt its sweetness were apt to forget every beside those lips were now drawn out into long purple lines between which the white teeth were visible and the chin and the nose too had become so pointed and prominent that those who had well known might now have looked upon without her face and yet in spite of all these fearful changes there was beauty still that beauty which heart can feel but which no words can describe the beauty of eternal stillness the beauty of death gazed and gazed and neither he nor his companion spoke one word until at last he his rosy fingers warm with tiie blood of life and touched the cheek i the chill of horror that instantly ran through his veins brought back his scattered to suffer with intensity of feeling he had pictured to himself before he came the eye the lips the forehead the whole but the solid marble feeling the cold resistance of that cheek whose yielding he had known so well was what no one had ever described to him what he had never dreamed of that touch had in one instant dispersed ail his imaginary fortitude and he stood beside the coffin pale as its own lifeless week and trembling as a child at length with uncertain steps he gained the door and though tried to make him understand that the funeral would take place on the following day he neither heard nor tried to hear but hurried down the stairs and through the hall without any other member of the household knowing he had been there how dark and dreary was tiiat long night to harry sleep came not to draw her misty curtain between him and the distressing of life the still more terrible realities of death if for one moment he closed his eyes in the next they were wide open vainly to pierce into the abyss of darkness and whenever he turned his face towards the vacant pillow his imagination presented a long white figure stretched beside him with s eyes just as he had seen them in their last interview fixed full upon his countenance while every time his hand touched the cold bed clothes the remembrance of that icy cheek came back to him bringing its own to his bursting heart how was the strong man brought low and his boasted power subdued beneath the mastery of feeling it was not altogether fear that held him in still less it sorrow but a terrible warfare of all that can the soul heightened it may be at times for o can the depths of the human heart by a fearful looking for of judgment at five o clock on the following the household of harry were alarmed by the ringing of their master s it must be as i thought said the old house keeper he is breaking his for that dear young lady and the of in many former cases when her own heart was broken and well knowing that neither her nor john would be able to find the she took up the kept always burning in her room and proceeded to the landing of the stairs where she could distinctly hear the conversation which took place between the master and his man sir said john the has never eaten a handful of corn since the trotting match on common then take i don t care which only mind you are there in time to let him breathe before we start the hounds meet at i shall breakfast at the and see that you are ready for me but give me a light for this room is darker break his heart said the house keeper and she turned again into her own chamber where she was soon asleep in her own bed it was a noble and stirring sight to those who care for such things to see young that day on his black hunter a furious and high animal that few could manage but it | 41 |
was the pride of his rider that he could manage anything bring anything into he forgot that little field of action his own heart and those eternal enemies his own wild passions and his own stubborn will in t he forgot every thing for a few hours at least for the frost was all gone the scent lay well the ground was in the best possible condition and himself to say nothing of the merits of the poor fox who died like a there was excitement in the chase that day enough to a heart like s from every thought of sorrow and if sometimes the image of his lost treasure would present itself it only served as a to fresh to urge his to a more desperate leap thus passed those hours of boisterous and forgetfulness of care but moments of enjoyment must have a crisis and mornings of felicity an staid long upon the field for there were the different properties of different animals to discuss to decide and a world of business to be gone through so that when he turned his horse s head to the road leading towards the city the darkness and haze of a dull in the early part of february was already beginning to render distant objects misty and it so happened that all the gentlemen whose destination was the same had preceded him by some hours so that he was to pursue his solitary way and in silence on the of excitement the most unsatisfactory in the world gaily whistling up his spirits he began for want of better amusement to think of some familiar air by which he might the time gentle had already passed his lips but there is a power in sound to up buried images beyond what the utmost stretch of imagination can realize and with that light and came back the vivid remembrance of her who had so sung it with him and he saw again the slender fingers white as the ivory keys they touched and the sparkle of the sunny eyes and all the bright and rapid variations of her charms there was no bearing this stillness like that of death was all around him and had not his horse with something of his master s of feeling started at every fresh object upon the road and thus with the application f whip and spur supplied him with continual occupation it is impossible to say to what height his impatience might have risen it was too much for mortal man to endure to be haunted night and day as by a and all this torment from one who would not have cast a shadow on his path it became necessary to call up all that was potent and dignified in his nature for he was not the man to be made a fool of by such idle so he his boyish occupation of off all the young twigs within his reach and sat bolt upright in liis saddle and felt himself a man and a gentleman in this style he was issuing from a which led out by a sudden angle into the great public road when in an instant his philosophy and himself had well nigh been dismounted by giving a tremendous start and started too for by that turn in the road they had come at once upon the sight and sound of the quick stroke of a upon the fresh earth of a new made grave in a little churchyard that was separated by a high and thin hedge from the public road the funeral procession was all gone the clergyman had led the church the clerk had just locked the door and was carrying home the keys and a troop of merry children were enjoying their last amongst the graves before the should finish his work and turn them out of their favorite play ground that s a cold lodging said as soon as he recovered himself while he pushed up his horse s head as near as he could bring it to the part of the hedge beside where the stood that s a cold lodging for somebody my good fellow for whom are you doing that kind service sir said the man looking up and resting one hand upon the while with the other he slowly raised his hat who lays here did you mean sir it s a miss there s a monument in that church to old sir and the family has buried here ever since his time before the old man had finished speaking was again proceeding slowly on his way but his head was now bent forward and strongly and violently yet without aim or object his hands were the reins of his bridle for some time he pursued his way more a statue than a living man when another start of his horse induced him to look up and he saw that he was failing in with a long line of mourning and now he could hear the of the as it passed under the arch of the ancient and when he looked down the first street into the city its glimmering lights were at intervals by the nodding of the heavy would have given much could he have entered by some other road for to say nothing of his own internal struggle he felt in this the want of the decency of external mourning in his scarlet coat he had joined the funeral procession and his sleek and high hunter was proudly and beside the which had just conveyed to her grave before he could reach his own door it was necessary to pass the house of mr he looked up to the windows the drawing room was again lighted and the shadows of female figures flitted to and fro ah how well could picture to his mind the scene | 41 |
within the blazing fire of a winter s evening the many of paler lustre the thick folds of curtains the crimson furniture that gave a glow of warmth and comfort to all the and carpets and the rich inviting to luxurious repose he thought of all these and then of that little churchyard where the night was closing in and that solitary grave on which a still and steady rain was falling and then for the first time the full conviction took possession of his soul that was indeed no more that through the whole of his life he should never gaze upon her face again there might and he believed there would be much to cheer and him on his future course but would not be near to share it creatures as bright and beautiful might minister to his gratification music might soothe him on his way but s harp and the far sweeter tones of s voice would be forever mute passed on his heart was not broken he rushed with fresh into the of he drank deeply of the cup of pleasure but sometimes before the cup was tasted there would arise thoughts i that were almost intolerable of that dismal church yard the the coffin and the worms oh it needs religion to reconcile us even to tlie earthly part of death of the family of the it is not necessary to say more than that at the of the usual time for seclusion they entered the church in which they maintained a warm and comfortable seat dressed in a full costume of fashionable mourning that many times during that day s service the mother s face was in a white delicately scented handkerchief and that once or twice when the daughters lifted up their blue eyes they were seen to be with tears chapter vl if any young reader shall have glanced over this picture in search of highly coloured or romantic scenery without any regard to the general design of the painting disappointment will be the probable issue accompanied by a want of patience to bear with the author a uttle longer while she gives a summary of her meaning or in the true style of fable writing adds a moral to her tale the individual whose short career has been described in these pages may serve to represent a vast multitude of and immortal beings who pass from the cradle to the grave without once for what purpose they have been sent to trace their little journey of experience upon this earth with what provision they have set out upon that journey and what will be the event of its termination the human mind in its natural state has under all circumstances powers of action and of enjoyment and must necessarily be supplied with objects on which these powers may operate and sources from whence these may extract pleasure how dreadful then must be the error of those parents who would forcibly compel their children to walk in the right way by imposing upon them unnatural checking their innocent mirth and violently instead of properly directing those desires which nature has in their hearts if this be the straight and narrow path which is recommended to us no wonder that so few continue to walk therein in order that death may be of its terrors it is not necessary that we should render life still more terrible in order that we may think of the grave without shuddering and horror it is not necessary that we should make the way that leads to it a howling wilderness in order that we may be willing to die it is not necessary that we should hate to live the creator of our being has supplied his creatures with sources of happiness so various and so multiplied that the meanest peasant may find them in his daily path while to the liberal and mind earth air and ocean with wonder and delight how then can there be sin in opening the heart to those pleasures which the present state of existence affords the great and important question is in what measure and in what manner we shall enjoy them if the body be permitted to the if we spend our money our time and our energies in to the gratification of our senses whether in gross indulgence or in that which is more refined and well may we shudder to perceive in that body the symptoms of disease or age when we know that it must pass away into a state which offers every thing humiliating and repulsive to the natural feelings but if on the other hand our pleasures and pursuits have been such as to and the mind that mind being itself immortal will rejoice at the prospect of that day when it shall burst the bonds of its prison house and leave behind the gross of clay but how asks the young reader is it pictures op private life bible to attain this state of mental exaltation my dear young friends well may you hesitate before you attempt so difficult an ascent without the help of religion but religion vulgar degraded trampled upon religion is able to accomplish all tliis for you and without the aid of science or philosophy and religion has done as much for many whose portion in this world was to be despised and rejected of men convincing them by the evidence that the termination of life is not in itself an evil nor the approach to it a season of dread that death may be compelled to lay down his hideous to cease to be a king of terrors and placing on his brow the of peace stretch forth his hand in kindly welcome to the shores of a long wished for eternity as farther proof how much the body may be made to the mind | 41 |
we have only to refer to the history of some of the ancient philosophers who knew not god and yet were able to meet death with calmness and satisfaction and plunge without fear into the abyss of uncertainty if then the case of these wonderful beings who shone hke stars in the distant beautiful in their own lustre but dimly disappearing before the glorious of day if the case of these wonderful men supplies us with proof how much the body may be brought into to the mind how much of firmness and fortitude may be at how much resignation of self and enjoyment may be effected by a steady and cultivation of the intellectual powers combined with a contempt for those luxuries and pleasures which afford gratification to the senses alone what should be the expression of our joy what the measure of our gratitude to him who has permitted us in this our day to add to the negative satisfaction of the the high hopes and the glorious privileges which religion alone can philosophy may destroy the burden of the body but religion gives wings to the soul philosophy may enable us to look down upon earth with contempt but religion teaches us to look up to heaven with hope philosophy may support us to the brink of the grave but religion us beyond philosophy a rich store of enjoyment religion makes it eternal happy is the heart where religion holds her throne and philosophy her noble ministers to her exaltation i l i the s widow oh amiable lovely death chapter i in to present the young reader with a contrast to the foregoing picture it is almost necessary to enter the humble and limited experience of the true christian under similar and even trials such a picture of private life offers nothing in the way of romantic interest nothing to excite the passions nothing to awaken in the soul one spark of poetic feeling but if it should possess a charm of sufficient power to the attention of the reader to excite a greater love of virtue or awaken ih the soul a spark of religious zeal the author will not have to lament that she has written in vain how i band an altar to the of my day with to prone to how i hie thy were too lowly oh great the lord of too holy too to dwell in them i then how i the bit hope to l e fu when spirit of to me do thy holy bidding with heart ril bear thy gentle for art m bring each angry feeling a to thee m ask thy healing even for mine enemy i an altar to the of my days with though prone to than i hie such were the words sung by bland as she sat on a low bench at her own door one beautiful sabbath evening and the cheerful was joined by the sweet voice of a little dark haired boy whom she pressed closely to her side while their eyes met with an expression of such affection as none but a mother and a child can know and then they looked away again over the green fields far on to the village spire and traced a little winding path that issued from a group of stately trees with search as if for the appearance of some expected object that was to bring additional enjoyment to their quiet and peaceful pleasures he is coming he is coming said the child aad they both ran forward through the garden gate and down the green lane where they met a tall sallow and young man dressed in costume and wearing the still more imposing solemnity of his sacred office as one who deeply felt its awful and almost overwhelming responsibility never did warrior returning from the field of glory meet a kinder welcome from his lady love than that with which bland greeted her returning lord lord both of her heart and home and he too had his full of delight as might be seen in his dark and often melancholy eyes now lighted up with all the feelings of the husband and the father as he stooped to kiss his boy the very emblem he stooped for he had lately discovered that to lift him from the ground required an effort almost beyond his strength especially so long pictures of private life a walk a day of such laborious duty and on a summer s evening indeed the first greeting was hardly over before he complained of the oppressive heat of the weather took off his hat and wiped his brow that was pale and wrinkled with exhaustion and fatigue placed his arm within hers and led him gently up the lane while the boy ran forward and threw open the garden gate holding it back at the very that his father and mother might pass through without within the cottage all was peace and comfort their one domestic was enjoying the liberty of the sabbath her own people and with her willing hands had prepared the social tea with cream and fruit and every thing that she thought would be most refreshing to the weary little had gathered a plate of of which he felt himself the proud proprietor and these with both his hands he presented to his father with that deference which his mother had taught him was due to those who were ill and though his father told him again and again that ladies should be first attended to the influence of the mother prevailed and the ill boy persisted in the error of his ways happy pair this uttle point of etiquette was all that and bland ever found to contend about for in duty as well as in pleasure the r hands and were united the social meal was prolonged by pleasant converse aad the | 41 |
if he were at last supported through the bitterness of parting from the dearest of earthly knew it could only be by the of divine mercy think of these things my beloved wife more than of me the cup of which we have together has been sweet as the waters of paradise remember from whence that cup was filled and believe that there are rivers of delight in store for those who faithfully their appointed task pictures of private life my last my parting is to pray fervently and to teach our child to pray by of this duty we suffer from the divine presence and then in our times of utmost need when we would return to this resource it seems as if a veil had dropped between us and heaven pray then dear even when the refreshing are upon thy path and there seems no immediate need for prayer made no answer but she pressed his hand as if to say my path must henceforth be through the desert and then her husband went on there is a strange fluttering at my heart and i feel that death is near tremble not i thee but raise my head and let me die where it was my happiness to live my poor boy i would not have him near me for he could not understand my situation and might learn to be afraid of death i have nothing to him but a father s blessing and a father s kiss thou shalt press it upon his cheek when i am gone the last and the dearest and then his words became inarticulate and his breathing difficult but supported him to the very last and alone for to her it would have seemed like to call in the help of stranger hands and having no fear of death nor weak longing to escape from the presence of the dead she remained alone in the chamber through the solemn stillness of that hour which follows the mortal separation of soul and body while the room seems filled with the atmosphere of death and voices of beings are whispering tidings firom the land of spirits the first sound that startled her from that heavenly communion was the voice of her child in the garden below it became necessary to rouse herself and descending into her little parlour she caught up ber boy in her arms and for the first time burst into an agony of tears how solitary was that long night to the heart of the mother hour hour she spent in the chamber of the deceased watching that pale extended figure until the white bed clothes seemed to tremble beneath the intensity of her gaze and sometimes she started at a fancied heaving of the breast but faith and love were strong within her and sweeter to her was that silent than all which the busy world without could offer as the delights to count over every item of bis treasure so she recalled and dwelt upon each excellence of him whose lamp had so far as regards the things of this world left her m total darkness but as she knew that another morning would dawn and that the sun would return again that light would dance upon the hills and the voice of be heard in the so she trusted that the sun of would arise and shine upon the darkness of her soul and she trusted not in vain for oil was poured upon the troubled waters and her soul was filled as with an holy calm tell us ye sons of pleasure ye of how it is that you endure the of the desert without the aid of religion without the consolation of prayer though bland forgot not for a single moment that the wheels of destruction had passed over her earthly hopes she remembered also that she was poor and that to the poor belong many duties which the children of and refinement think it inconsistent with the tenderness of wounded feelings to perform to every arrangement for household comfort she attended with her and ail things for the order and decency of the burial were of her without any of what was respectful and the day before the funeral arrived and had not yet taken her child into the sacred chamber she had herself been there since the first rising of the sun and the dew was yet upon the leaves she had gathered of and to place within the coffin and flowers to tlie room and now when her silent breakfast was over and she and the child and the one domestic had knelt own together to pray for the blessing o their heavenly father upon the transactions of another day she led her child up and raising him in her arms he rested vith his rosy fingers upon the side of the and looked upon the face of the dead he looked earnestly and long and then directed an glance to his if he asked of her an explanation of th strange mystery but he made no though he turned again and again as fascinated by the beauty of that still pale countenance from which every trace of anxiety and care had passed away it is true the hair retained its few silver threads but it rested on a brow as serenely beautiful as the surface of the summer ma when its waters sleep beneath a sky and make no ripple on the shore and the bright eyes were closed upon the world for ever not as in weariness or disgust but as i y to their inward vision was revealed a light compared with which all without was perfect darkness and the pure lips were closed from whence had flowed the e of feeling the force of truth and the inspiration of that wisdom which is from above little soon returned to his usual sports but many times during | 41 |
that day he broke off suddenly and went and leaned upon his mother s knee and once he looked anxiously in her face and said was it my father but his happy little bosom bounded with fresh enjoyment and his mother tried in vain to make him sensible of his loss in the midst of the preparation for the last solemn rites was not but seemed to be thinking of every one more than of herself planning for their accommodation and attending to their wants yet all with a sweet mournful dignity as if she bore about with her a sorrow too deep for common sympathy or the most trying part of that day was the quiet ai er the funeral when the guests were gone and she retired without an object to direct her steps extreme restlessness that dreadful accompaniment of the last degree of mental suffering took possession of her and she wandered from room to room as if hoping in every place to leave some portion of the load that weighed upon her until at length she sought consolation in prayer and remembering her husband s parting knelt down and humbly and fervently that to her cup of bitterness there might be added some drops of comfort and her petition was not rejected for sweet sleep stole over her wearied senses and she awoke in the morning with fresh strength and courage to pursue her solitary way chapter iii how little is known of what the human heart may endure and struggle through by those who slumber in the lap of indulgence death it is true with his grim and aim that no earthly power can will sometimes steal in upon their visions but they can gather round them a band of graceful and having no active part to take in the ceremony of preparing for the grave they are at liberty to sigh away their sorrows in costly weeds and weep at will over the urn of the departed but the luxury of weeping gracefully nay the rational privilege of mourning quietly and without interruption is too frequently denied to the poor wounded and weary they must go forth again upon active service they must engage in the bustling concerns of life even when the light of life has been extinguished they must arise and themselves for warfare when their bosom s shield has been asunder thus it that bland compelled herself or was compelled by circumstances to enter upon a serious consideration of her present melancholy and deserted situation not in order the more fully to comprehend the extent and the depth of her affection but i pictures of private life that she mi t arrange and act upon some plan for the of herself and her child that leave her sweet cottage was a truth upon which she never once attempted to close her because her doom was and bad long known it bo she herself and took an of all her worldly every now and then laying aside something useful or comfortable for a sick neighbour or some trifling for an humble friend with such occupations she busied herself during the day and when the evening came she went out with her presents calling upon every one who had known and valued her husband s pastoral care and saying some cheering words to them at parting as if they were the and she the and truly she needed a in her turn for by the time she reached her home again she was like the bough that has scattered its lost leaf upon the merciless wind but the was near the promised and darkness was turned into light at his presence passed away and lingered the cottage for she was in treaty for a situation with a distant relative and waited his answer and decision she entered upon the last hard duty of a public sale and of all her goods and household property upon the very spot where she had known so much happiness the flower beds which her had planted and were to be trodden down by the feet of strangers and the shrubs which he had reared and cherished were to become the property of another all except the bed on which he died she was willing to part with and the table on which he used to write his chair and a few simple things which possessed a sort of in her these she reserved for herself and securing them in what was once her own chamber rose early and prepared for the long dreaded day neighbours in from all quarters some from curiosity and others in the hope of making a cheap bargain all peeped about and were equally lad willing to try the strength of chairs i rap their upon china and feet u e of carpets and there was not a corner io the n house free from their intrusion resigned herself for that day en i the service of her friends they were j d attention and activity plied to her for information ab i every article alas j she could bu remember where and when they purchased what elegant taste had them and whose beloved fingers had them with hia touch but no our guessed what was passing in her mind and they plunged deeper and deeper into her house economy up her feelings as they went and no ie pitied her for she never wept in public and many remarked as they went away that bland was just the active sort of to get through with a thing of this land nothing could have been more managed and the were thus they dropped ofi at first in merry troops then one by one until au departed and stood alone at her own door looking around upon a scene of desolation where was little all this while his mother had given him his dinner in a basket and sent | 41 |
her home even to her own apartment with something very much akin to satisfaction if not with real enjoyment but bland knew little of the fashionable world and fondly fancied that the m r beings for whom she was perpetually providing the richest and most costly which her ingenuity could invent must in themselves possess a charm and a power of beyond what common natures were acquainted with and consequently she thought her own portion by comparison more bitter it really possessed with this idea she found it difficult at all times to guard against especially when any trifling circumstance brought back a quickened remembrance of the sweet home she lost when she looked out from her little and pictures of private life saw that the moon was high in the heavens for even brick walls are beautiful by moonlight and when the rays of the setting sun reaching a certain angle in the opposite side of the street slightly illuminated one pane of her window and a small portion of her curtains for then she knew that the same sun was with golden beauty the tops of the trees and the village spire upon which she had gazed so fondly but most of all when her beloved child came home from school weary and and seemed to pine for the green fields and the fresh air to which he had been accustomed then her spirits sunk within her and she was almost ready to say my is greater than i can bear it was some weeks after her settlement in town and during one of these fits of melancholy abstraction that the sound of carriage wheels was heard rolling up to the widow s door and a thundering knock soon followed ah ce looked half frightened and saw by the elegance of the that its must be of rank but she had no time to make observations for a light figure sprung from the step as soon as the door was opened and the carriage drove ofi immediately what was the astonishment of when she found that she was herself the object of this unexpected visit and when the same light figure walked with easy condescension into her own apartment her fine face adorned with smiles and graces which disappeared the moment the door was and they two were left alone rose up to beg the lady would be seated but she had already thrown herself into a with evident and at the same time drawing off her glove from an exquisitely beautiful hand and a close bonnet which she threw back and exhibited a countenance from which the spirit of a angel ought to have looked forth alas i how much the finest works of creation may be from their original design i fatigued with and cares her young brow was already crossed with wrinkles and her dark eye shot forth fierce of jealousy and revenge while her lips that looked as if formed only for sm were distorted and compressed with rage and indignation audacious woman she at length began then suddenly that she had in reality no just cause of she lowered her tone and commenced another key i have been directed to you as the j whose ingenuity invented that managed which the of exhibited on friday night and which has forever established her in the fashionable world i am that person ma am and i shall be happy to execute anything of the same kind for for me i wretch do you suppose i would humble so far as even to employ the same fingers which work for the of no i would rather make my appearance in the world with that widow s cap of yours upon my head and then in an under tone she said or rather sighed heaven only knows what i would give to be entitled to wear it while discovering at the same time that she wore a wedding ring upon her finger was so shocked and startled by the coincidence that she could not help fearing some wild had found her way to her obscure abode the lady however went on more but with a tone and look of authority which were but little calculated to produce the intended effect i have come said she to demand of you the only which it is in your power to offer me i have formed my plan it is only for you to act upon it the mai will most probably apply to you again for her beauty is not of the kind to maintain itself i have purchased a which is of the exact colour to with her complexion now i insist upon your making it up in time for the grand en the s widow i at lady l s and telling the who will undoubtedly call upon you that you never saw anything half so becoming in our life she has faith in your good taste you will lose nothing by it for ven if the joke should be discovered vo me for life and every one t v by such an exchange you labour at any rate i ji me assure you ma am said wi i great gravity that in making such r i application to me you have quite mistaken ray character and principles character and principles how you talk woman we never hear of such things except when we are urged to do what is disagreeable to us then i make use of the plea upon your own ground for it would be extremely disagreeable to me to do so mean a thing as that which you propose to me and what is more i will not do it you are very blunt my good woman bill i hear you have lived in the where it would be a thousand for talents such as yours to be buried think how much the patronage of a lady of rank may do | 41 |
for you there is mrs b who was brought up to the same employment as yourself now sporting her carriage it is idle replied to waste your temptations upon me for i am fixed in my determination i have but one object in life beyond the fulfilment of my duty as a christian and that is to secure a maintenance for my child and if possible to place him when he shall be a man upon the same footing in society which his father held but even to secure this darling object i would not stoop to do that which would render me contemptible in my own eyes and guilty before heaven nonsense nonsense you make too serious a thing of a mere joke have you no love for a joke not for a mean then you will not oblige me and the lady smiled with such sweetness that again examined the case and of her reason whether it were utterly with the feelings of an upright and generous heart and her resolution was stronger than before assured of this the lady was obliged to commence another attack upon fresh ground and casting down her eyes declared that she would in her turn be serious for notwithstanding a natural of temper which sometimes carried her away she was in reality a very wretched creature i was married said she at the age of seventeen to a wealthy old peer whom i hate as cordially as i love his establishment and his purse i cannot say more without exposing secrets and betraying confidence but there are reasons why i would sacrifice my daily food and my nightly rest to humble the of in fact she must be and if you will not serve me some one else shall so saying she looked at her watch and hearing at the same time the sound of her carriage entering the narrow street she rose and walked to the door but not before she had tried as a last resource the of a bribe which rejected with more indignation than good breeding assuring her at the same time that she would rather be the destitute widow who is compelled to earn her daily portion with pain and labour than the rich and lady who scruples not to enter the dwellings of the poor to insult them with her passions and disgust them with her folly is this a specimen of the envied and privileged class of society said as she looked out upon the gay livery and the horses it is better to be a one woman in a desert than such a pitiable wretch as this and she sat down more cheerfully resigned to her fate than she had been before indeed the constant employment which her good taste and industry her served very much to while away the monotony of her life and to keep alive the hope that burned within her breast and gave a charm and a zest to every occupation pictures of private life chapter v it was not from innate skill in the art of that bland was able to succeed so well in her new occupation nor for anything innate unless a naturally clear perception of the fitness of things with a quick eye for the arrangement of colours and general might be called so for she had in her early years acquired a tolerably correct knowledge of this branch of business so important to the great world of fashion during many repeated visits to an aunt who was a and it had occurred to her in her forlorn situation as being the most likely means of her not only to be independent herself but to procure such instruction for her boy as might fit him for the future high calling to which she was determined if possible to devote him that he might walk in his father s steps was the first wish of her heart for this she herself for this she toiled and for this she endured all present cheerfully yet still there would sometimes across her mind certain doubts as to the propriety of her calling for she was rising in consequently she was more frequently admitted behind the scenes and ever since the visit of the unknown lady she had been perplexed with apprehensions that she was though in a remote way to evil passions and selfish and contemptible still it was an occupation constant and and she found at the end of the first year that her circumstances were improved another year passed away and she was able to place her boy at a higher school where he made astonishing progress in his learning and oh the heart of the fond mother would bound with delight whoever he came to her with a demand for a fresh supply of books and when he told her with pride in his dark eyes and on his cheeks of his master s another year passed and became the private and confidential assistant of many ladies some of whom would gladly have purchased ji a considerable sacrifice of their rank and riches a renewal of their beauty this was a kind of life that in her heart despised and she began to think seriously of entering upon one which though less profitable would be more dignified and her decision was more easily made after an interview which sh i had about this time with an unfortunate who had been struggling for against the of and disease was sent for one evening and shown by a private passage into a splendid apartment in which she waited some time for the lady s orders to proceed to business at last she was ushered into the presence and found herself in a long dressing room every inch of which was filled with and and ribbons and at the farther end and almost buried in rich cushions she beheld a lean and haggard figure whose good pleasure delicately hinted | 41 |
our own fields said to his mother as they walked out one sabbath evening in the of the city here the grass is worn away with feet and the birds are frightened from the hedges we go back again mother for i am tired of dust and noise my head all day and sometimes when i ought to be busy with my i am thinking of that pleasant home we had in the country looked in his face while he was speaking and saw with speechless anxiety what she had often feared before that the confinement of their present situation with the application and study that were necessary for his success at school were his cheek of its bloom and casting a premature and unnatural shade upon his fair brow and then she felt and acknowledged for the first time that it was indeed a hard thing to be poor but he shall not said she and the very next day she went in search of lodgings at a little distance from the dust and the smoke of the city where they might have the sight at least of a small plot of garden ground it was necessary to pay twice the sum for these lodgings which she had paid before but she hesitated not one moment though her means were considerably reduced and a fearful uncertainty seemed to hang over her future prospects yet such is the power of an energetic mind by a right faith that she was always ready to adopt upright and decisive measures leaving the consequences in the hands of him who alone can know whether reward or will be most to the good of his creatures and in the mean time prepared her mind either to rejoice in success or to submit patiently to disappointment there was but one evil in the wide range of human suffering upon which she could not look with a firm and collected mind constant and laborious exertion she had been accustomed to through the whole of her past life and therefore it added no weight to the cares which pressed upon her but rather took ofi the keen edge of sorrow by furnishing a constant of objects which though trifling in themselves demanded a portion of her interest and attention but this was an evil which came upon her in her hours of melancholy musing not like the shadow of a mighty cloud for it seemed to have no termination and that it would never pass away loneliness and labour and she could bear and had borne cheerfully but whenever she tried to look upon this overwhelming sorrow it appeared to admit of no for this wound there was no and the expression of her rebellious spirit as it beneath it was too spare me this bland was now deprived of all means of her source of pecuniary but she had laid by what to her was a considerable sum of money during the last few years which added to the s widow the allowance for the of poor raised her above ail fear of actual want but so little was it in accordance with her disposition to give way to for the present or of the future that she set about with great perseverance and industry to pursue some other mode of an addition to her slender income for this purpose she entered into an engagement to supply a with fancy and late and early did she labour for the scanty that was out to her a minute of the whole value of the article when her eyes and fingers were weary with her monotonous employment rousing herself again by the hope of being able to take her boy for a few weeks into the country when he should again be at the holidays was now nearly twelve years old and in spite of the of his complexion you could hardly have a more handsome or noble looking fellow so exactly like his father said for she had no higher standard of manly excellence or beauty but there were those who remembering his father with no such partial admiration would have said the son bid fair for being a finer man in every respect and that he was no worse for adding his mother s energy and decision to his father s calmness and refinement perhaps the reader may smile to find the term refinement applied to the child of a poor widow like bland but refinement may and does exist sometimes in the humble walks of ufe and what is more surprising still it is sometimes altogether wanting where there seems to have been every thing to its cultivation and growth in talking of refinement we are apt to think it belongs only to the higher classes of society and is result of what is called a finished education and must necessarily be accompanied by polite accomplishments and polished manners but true refinement or rather delicacy of feeling for the one a process and the other a quality is more the gift of nature than the production of art l ld thus it may be found in the cottage and wanting in the drawing room it may be disguised by the broad peculiarities of provincial dialect and in vain by the of the school it may exist under the coarse and toil worn exterior of the peasant all the tender of life and giving to home and domestic virtues the charm of generous sympathy and high honour and it may be sought for among all the artificial of the fashionable and high bom and not found where it is most wanted in the of kindness the of benefits and the necessary and mutual of man upon his brother man bland and her interesting boy were not with this feeling they had learned to watch each other s eyes and to know when the least shadow of anxiety or care needed the gentle hand or the | 41 |
kind word to chase it away and they knew also how to make great sacrifices for they were all in ail to each other and they could each give up a darling object for the other s good without a sigh or a tear in short without betraying by the slightest of look or manner that it was a sacrifice and if in all these little acts of self bore the palm it was n t from any want of in him who was the object of them but merely because she was a woman and we all know it is deeply in the heart of woman to love what she does love better than herself thus they lived on the mother and the child to each other s enjoyment and perhaps the absorbing interest which occupied their thoughts made them a too forgetful of the wide world without and perhaps also it left too uttle of the warmest and tenderest feelings of the heart for devotion to higher objects however it might be we know that exclusive are not permitted to exist long in this state of being without a pictures of private life and that from whatever quarter the may come it is directed by him who in order that we may look to him for reward who wounds that we may ask for bee ng at his hands the summer came the bright and joyful summer and and her son led behind them without a sigh the thousands who in the heated atmosphere of the metropolis during the sweet season of the springing of flowers in the green field and the singing of birds in the waving and shadowy branches of the trees they left without a sigh for they were going to renew their acquaintance with the face of nature a face like that of an old friend early known and dearly loved and mingled in fond recollections with all their favourite of thought and conversation a kind acquaintance resident in had engaged for them a small cottage in the most picturesque part of that country and when the coach stopped at the door they sprang from it as if they were expecting to meet a home welcome every thing around looked so green so fresh so cool and quiet that their hearts were filled with gratitude they longed to thanks to some human being who might be feeling like themselves but no there had been no kind hand busy with the work of no living creature in that remote knew of their ihe week preceding nor cared and accommodation when they did know and they soon found that thanks were only due to that power who out the heavens as a and the earth a garden in which man may find all that can delight his senses and fill his soul with admiration nor were they forgetful of the duty of acknowledging his for when the evening same they knelt down together and with united hearts ofi red up the tribute of and joy the next day they free and and day after day they spent in the same manner amusing himself with collecting the flowers and plants with which he had long been endeavouring to make himself acquainted and often sitting down with his pencil to sketch an old tree or village church never dreaming how exquisitely all these little of his would one day become to her who was ever at his side watching him with maternal fondness and dwelling with something of prophetic interest upon every development of his clear and comprehensive mind i should like to die in the country he would often say that birds might sing over my grave and green grass grow all around me mother did you ever look into that little churchyard at the end of the street where we used to live in the city don t lay me there when i am dead for i think i could not rest under those hot stones and dusty and then his mother s eyes would fill with tears for she saw more clearly every day that one prevailing thought was giving an unnatural solemnity to his young mind and throwing over his early years the deep shadows of premature decay still they were happy happy as those who sit down for one hour of cheerful and intimate and confidential converse before a long long separation but e boy gathered no strength in the country and the mother found there was more and more need for her to shelter under the shadow of the mighty rock for that life would soon be to her a weary land oh i it needs religion to reconcile us to the thought of death chapter vn it was not many weeks the return of the widow with her son to the city that she found it necessary to call in medical advice for he was evidently sinking fast and though she had little faith that human skill could the s widow save him she determined that nothing should be spared which might lessen the suffering of his last days his complaint was pronounced to be one under which he might linger for some time but little encouragement was held out to hope for his ultimate recovery the poor boy however was not destined to pine away the victim of protracted suffering his disease made rapid progress and he was soon o much an invalid as to be compelled to keep his bed and then his mother felt doubly thankful that she had removed him from the close and dismal apartments which they first occupied for now they could look out upon the blue sky and see the brightness of the morning sun upon the branches of a willow and a which grew beside their window had her little garden of in a narrow box containing all her property in the wide realm of mother earth it was on the | 41 |
first day of september that day when the heart of the bounds with delight as he up his forces and sets off with gun himself and his dogs upon one common level for one purpose and with one feeling to disturb the of the deserted harvest fields taint the pure air of a fine morning and break in upon the peace of the most harmless and of earth s creatures it was on this day that bland sat at the window of her quiet chamber sometimes looking out upon the ow leaves fluttering for a moment in the air and then settling amongst their withered companions upon the bosom of that common parent who offers a last refuge to the fallen the faded and the forlorn and then turning her anxious gaze upon him of whom the autumn leaves were but too true an emblem he had been sleeping for some hours and wh n he awoke he asked his mother to come nearer sit down beside me said he upon my bed and let me hold your hand dear mother i have been thinking that when i am gone you will be left entirely alone turned away her face but she was able to answer with a clear voice there is no loneliness my child where god is i know it mother i know that god is every where and that he will not turn away from those who call upon liis name but there are times when we cling to a kind hand and listen to a voice that is sweeter than music and feel that we cannot bear to be alone who will meet you at the door when you come home who will pray with you at night and oh my mother when you are ill or in sorrow who will sit beside your bed and watch you so tenderly as you are watching me my child replied his mother we must not venture upon these minute into what we are capable or not capable of enduring who could love as i have loved and bear to lose what i must lose if when the account was closed each individual item of the great sum of affection should be over and its weight and value estimated it was gone for ever it is for those who suffer and feel their own weakness to endeavour so to journey along the pilgrimage of life that their steps may neither be by the stones and that lie scattered in their path nor led astray by the flowers that grow by the and in order to do this i is necessary to keep our eyes fixed upon the star of promise the only star that is never lost in clouds wounded and broken as i am and lonely as i shall soon be my heart is yet supported by faith not the faith that a miracle will be wrought in my favour that i shall be preserved from sickness and sorrow or that celestial spirits will be sent to smooth my dying pillow but the humble faith that he in whom i put my trust will so temper the feelings of my soul that while i endure the common lot of humanity i shall not feel as i have one such entire dependence upon the sweet sympathies of kindred minds but that when i l pictures op private life come to the last hours of my sob life i shall be supported above all weak even for thy care and kindness my beloved child and sustained by the hope of entering into that realm of happiness where i trust thy father is and where thou wilt soon be you are right mother replied her son we will talk of these things no more is all and then he up his hands and his weak voice and prayed earnestly that his mother might be made the peculiar care of her almighty father that her earthly trials might not be long and that they might soon meet where there should be no more tears and no more separation three days this conversation took place bland was sitting at the same hour in the same chamber and beside the same bed on which a long extended figure lay in the of everlasting repose the sweet calm of unbroken serenity was upon his features and his white hands were stretched out in motionless and marble coldness by his side his hands on which the mother s eyes fixed for oh how well could she remember the many days and nights when those fingers warm and and gentle in their tenderness had played upon her cheek how distinctly could she recall each varying expression of that fair countenance as of a book every line of which was upon her heart in characters and clear though the original page was sealed for ever but let not rude and fingers attempt to lift the veil that is drawn over the sacred altar of a mother s this shrine no wonderful exhibition to the gaze of the curious observer but here as to the of old the weary and the wounded fly from the arrows of persecution for safety and protection here the of the penitent may flow in peace here the upon which the world would in disdain may find a cloak and here the wanderer who has made of his hopes may return to the welcome of a home had no assistant in the work of preparation all day she occupied that silent chamber with the feeling of one who stands upon a small and solitary island in the midst of the wide ocean and will not step into his boat before the hour appointed for him to forth alone upon the boundless expanse of and waters and when the night came she had no weak fears nor fantastic visions of wandering spirits but drew closer in the darkness to the bed side until | 41 |
wearied nature sank under the long and sleep drew around her the curtain of it was but for a few brief days and nights that could be permitted to sit and gaze upon her last earthly treasure and oh how solemn was the dawn of each succeeding morning ds it rose upon the living and the dead how silently the still evening closed around yet in that sweet hour when the returns from the field of labour when the cattle are driven down firom the hills and the sheep are gathered into the fold when the weary bird flies back to the woods and covers her with her brooding wings when the mother the pillow of her child and presses on its rosy cheek her farewell kiss when all the softening influences of domestic peace and home are drawn around the heart even in that sweet hour uttered no and the tears that chased each other down her cheeks were not tears of for she had not been one of those who leave the commencement of the great and important work until the time when there is urgent need for its full and entire completion who enter the to feast upon the grapes having never the vines who go forth into the harvest field to reap having never sown the precious seed in the spring time of her life in the morning of her days she had diligently sought the true fountain and now when every other draught was turned to bitterness she foimd and felt the of the waters of everlasting life a second time bland too a deep the s widow and solitary by the side of the closing grave over her pale features was spread the calmness of resignation and none of the surrounding throng of on knew or cared to know with what feelings she turned away when the last solemn rites were over from that little churchyard not the noisy space of ground allotted to the burial of the dead which her son had so spoken of with disgust and horror but a quiet resting place one they had fixed upon together during their last walk into the country here she had stood beside the grave not only the chief but the sole and here she left with her buried treasure all the hopes and the which bound her to this troubled life from this now sacred spot of earth returned to her home what is home surely there must be something more than a hired to constitute a home but had in this wide world nothing more happy is it for those who feel that their home is an habitation not made with hands eternal in the heavens the christian character is almost universally described as one which is and be at with what is commonly the world the christian church is called the church and the christian himself is often spoken of as one who is compelled to fight the good fight all the good lessons which we learn from our infancy our observations upon the world in general the experience of every day and the of the holy combine to teach us that the utmost stretch of faith and perseverance and and zeal are necessary to protect us against the mastery of evil passions within and the temptations of the world without it is however graciously permitted to us in almost every situation in life to enjoy the consolation of human help to have some star or stars in our own low sphere to light us on our way some kind voice to cheer us on our pilgrimage some home of welcome in the hearts we love where the wounded may fly for healing and the weary for repose how thankful then ought we to be for this mingling of earthly affections with heavenly this of the task of duty this of the cup of self denial and how deep how sincere should be our pity for those unto whom this merciful is not extended unto whom it is by the wisdom that not that they shall journey through the wilderness alone unto whom the sentence h s gone forth behold i will take away the desire of thine eyes as with a stroke in this situation the christian is severely tried for here no earthly encouragement is held out and whatever is done must be done purely for the love of god for the pleasure of obeying his law and walking in his ways in order more fully to illustrate the nature of true resignation and more clearly to what ought to be the state of the human mind under this trial it will be necessary to trace the progress of the humble individual whose character has been here described one step farther on her path of patience and fortitude for this purpose let us look in upon the widow in her solitude let us imagine her on the day following that of the funeral solitary but not for busied herself with examining each article of the personal property which her son had left and though her eyes were sometimes so with tears that she could hardly read the different he had placed upon all his school and his of affection and early companionship she still went on leaving out whatever she thought might be more valuable to others than to herself though it was a hard thing to part even with his wardrobe now that she was so desolate and forlorn this duty moreover was gone through and sat down to spend the evening alone alone and without employment for when she laid down her bible and would have taken up her work the thought that pictures op private life she had now no longer any one to work for seemed to her fingers and throw a chain of icy coldness upon every rouse herself for active exertion it was not long however that permitted her | 41 |
spirit to sink under the pressure of it is the will of my heavenly father said she that i should bear my burden alone and with his help i will not faint by the way there must yet be some field of usefulness open for me or my soul would be required of me i will still labour in his though my strength should be as that of the bruised reed i will stiu worship at his altar though my only should be a broken heart with such f strengthened into resolution by earnest and continual prayer set about to prepare for a change in her occupations and her place of abode having heard that a was wanted for an infant school in a distant part of the country she offered her services and was appointed as a decent useful looking woman by those who thought they were upon her a favour here let us observe how little is known by those who flatter themselves they are how very little is known of the misery which the necessity of being the object of them sometimes upon the thus we complain of ingratitude because our are not seized with and acknowledged with delight when in reality each act of upon which we pride ourselves has been and bitterness to those who were compelled by circumstances to accept it had no natural inclination for the situation nor for the line of life which she had chosen and would rather have away from the task which she had imposed upon herself but it seemed more desirable to her to enter at once upon the field of active and imperative duties than to leave her inclination time to wander and make its own selection amongst those which were merely she therefore took her place amongst the little throng and went diligently and faithfully through the whole process of instruction while in to see and ladies made their comments and the wonders and of the new establishment spread far and wide it was no difficult thing to discover that was a servant and as such she was valued and approved but no one knew what her heart had suffered or was then suffering nor why when the school was closing she would single out a little dark haired boy whose pale complexion and gave him an air of melancholy and languor and walking home with him to his mother s door would stand there until she saw him comfortably seated at his own fireside and then turn away to take a long solitary by the sea shore yet the character of bland was not one that was capable of remaining long unknown though in her and limited in her means she was so unbounded in her desire to be useful that neither time nor opportunity seemed wanting and it was a common reply with her to the apologies of those who feared they might be making too great a claim upon her kindness don t think of that i am a lone woman i have no ties at home and therefore i am the more fit to be serviceable to others to him who has given me health and strength and a few kind feelings i have to render an account and blessed be his holy name i am supported through every day by the of his love i am a weak instrument it is true but then there is the more need that i should diligently watch and earnestly embrace every ty of offering my it is not the magnitude of our good actions by which we hope to be saved it is the feelings from which they arise and the spirit in which they are performed that are the test of obedience in this spirit the spirit of christian love the poor widow in the path of duty filled with this spirit she laid aside all weak and fruitless encouraged by this spirit she kept the s widow in view the blessed goal where beheld in imagination the souls r departed in white supported is spirit she became a to the a comfort to the inspired by this spirit she patiently along the of life and was enabled at the end to lay down the burden of the flesh rejoicing with the gladness of the captive who leaves his prison house marriage as it may be yet be to find deceived who a heart in the man like on a stream the of life their on the into the a depth quick of and pleasure the light lightly but no soul the inner it is a common and popular plan in writing what is called an to account in some plausible manner for the way in which the pretended manuscript has fallen into the author s hands on the present occasion however the picture that is presented to the public offers so little either of the extraordinary or the marvellous that it appears quite unnecessary to introduce it under any other character than that of a confidential communication from one lady to another painful as it may be to to posterity a record of our own errors the heart that is deeply interested in the well being of society will think the instruction of even one of the rising generation purchased by its own exposure to you the friend of my early years i submit this manuscript with strict to keep it secret i and mine shall have ceased to suffer the agonies of wounded feeling you may not us or if you should your judgment is now too mature and your walk in life has ever been too for you to reap any advantage from my experience but you have daughters and may they read with charity and wisely profit by the history which i am about to give of that most lamentable of all most of all misfortunes an ill marriage you who have shared in the pleasures | 41 |
and pursuits of my youth are aware that my life was by any incident of interest to strike the attention of an impartial reader notwithstanding i was distinguished for my quickness at school and regarded as a of genius at home early deprived of the blessing of maternal care and left at the age of sixteen to the indulgence of my own tastes and i set about with the most appetite to feast upon that species of literature that was most in with a sensitive and mind and most to the growth of that morbid melancholy which has followed me through life the aspirations of hope weighing down the energies of resolution and the feeble fire of a faith in the spring time of life when the heart is most capable of enjoyment i was consequently wretched i was told reproachfully that it was the absence of religion which made me so and i began to believe and tremble in my father s house we no religious the writer of story would be to draw upon herself the suspicion of placed ft in the of a clergyman of the church of england fin the of throwing an air of that particular body with no for bo preference her apology must be that in painting life has no traits of not nor of with which has not been acquainted mm exercises the gay and the worldly minded sought our society and with these i was constantly associated until i felt like a being who is carried away against his inclination by the mere press of a crowd with which he holds neither y nor common feeling amongst those who frequently sat at my father s table was a young man of excellent disposition whose light and easy manners won upon us all and made him ft for the moment with every description of character that happened to be brought in contact with his own he was the process of preparation for the church though still but a boy when we first met but he had read poetry and taught at high schools and with a young widow and just for present was very much at my service either as a butt a lover or a convert as a butt i first tried him and found him the and best tempered creature in the world as a lover i did not allow myself to ask what he might be but as a convert i in the thought here was a field for my energies to work in his good heart his habits of di his deference for and evidently growing attachment to myself what vain woman building her eternal hopes upon the of self could resist a temptation like this it was too much for me for some time i was made happy in the confidence that i should obtain the reward of having saved a soul sin for my promising though led away by gay companions always back to me in his hours of and a hopeful and interesting charge i had until the hope if not the interest was somewhat by my young friend proposing himself to me as my future husband i own i was a good deal surprised that he who had always acknowledged such on immense inferiority on moral and religious should now esteem himself a fitting for me in the of life but the presumption of the boy in the flattery of the woman i gently declined his proposals pitied him spoke of friendship called m n his sister and the thing went on as such things usually do all this while however my heart was ill at ease i felt like one who goes into the field of battle bearing the banner of his without having learned to defend it if we build our religion upon a false foundation we make but a sorry edifice mine was a temple in which i found neither shelter nor repose but rather a fantastic fabric whose dizzy threatened to fall and crush me in their thus my days passed on if i began to converse on religion i concluded by listening to love and night invariably foimd me weary and my pupil too began to exhibit points of character of which i had not before suspected him there was a degree of wounded pride with which he listened to my repeated to become his wife that frequently urged him on to the manly revenge of determined while many of my enemies and some of my friends wondered at and blamed me for my intimacy with a being so and desperate still it was no easy thing to break entirely asunder the chain which linked us together for all his best hopes both for this world and the next seemed bound up with me and i had the vanity to believe that in casting him ofi i should most probably him to everlasting surrounded by dangers and on every hand it never once occurred to me that i was pursuing a wrong course but still i determined to struggle through though i felt myself plunging deeper and deeper at every fruitless attempt and when time and experience brought me to my senses it was too late to myself from the difficulties in which i was involved in this manner years passed away my lover was confirmed in his habits of and my friends had some of them become enemies loud in their against me though i observed that when pictures op private life ever they had an opportunity of receiving his attentions they were disposed to be any thing but towards him disappointed in all my hopes and hemmed in by difficulties i endeavoured to seek from the only true source that help which i ought to have at an earlier stage of my blind and foolish career i believe i was sincere but if i recollect right i prayed more earnestly that | 41 |
i might be from my present than assisted to bend down my spirit in and resignation to the trials and troubles which followed as natural and inevitable consequences of the course i had chosen for myself you remember the tale of my being likely to marry a gentleman at that time abroad it occupied a good deal of our thoughts and feelings but neither you nor any other of my friends knew the reasons which induced me to consent to such a step as regards the individual he did not interest me deeply only as he was connected with my hopes of from the of evil i believed and still believe him to be an amiable character but there were circumstances connected with our separation which did not reflect much credit on his name my friends consequently congratulated me and said i had had an escape while others laughed and said i had had a disappointment i tried to bear it with an air of philosophy but all my efforts were vain as regards the man the case was comparatively neither nor cruel for such things occur every day but from a christian friend from one in whose society i had hoped to find benefit and instruction i fell the blow and almost fancied that my god had forsaken me i had been up with the prospect of a happy and lasting union with one who would be willing and able to direct my steps aright with what he persuaded me was a call to serious and imperative duties away from the temptations which had long beset my path but now my spirit was smitten down and prostrate in the midst of its own desolation i know not how it is but there are times when affection wins upon us with power i had been willing to leave my home connections almost entirely for the sake of escaping from ail associations with him whose destiny seemed to be linked with my own but he bore the alteration in my prospects so nobly and then when he foimd me behind and neglected came forward so generously with the same of faithful and attachment which i had so rejected that while my spirit under the recent smart while i fancied myself shut out from all help either human or divine i was the more reckless what i sacrificed for the sake of helping others and in an evil hour i promised o become his wife never shall i forget that day it was in the month of december a slight of half melted snow lay on the ground a shrewd friend was staying with me quick eye seemed to pierce into tlie secret recesses of my heart all things to that time are written upon my memory with a depth and distinctness not to be described for such was the agony to which my feelings were wrought that i wondered how the common affairs of human life could go on without any one taking note of my calamity but so it was i will not here trouble you with a relation of what took place preparatory to my melancholy union with one whose joy was beyond bounds nor how keenly i felt the altered looks and constrained behaviour of those whom i knew to be in hearts me had they spoken freely i could have borne it better for then there would have been something like a in their silence but from this mute but perfectly intelligible kind of reproach the heart has no intervals of relief and i rejoiced at the coming of that day after which i should be able to say to my conscience the is now passed i have no longer the power to return it came at last and i set ofi with my young husband to spend the honey moon amongst the lakes and mountains of marriage as it may be after deliberately taking what we firmly believe to be a wrong step we not endeavour to console ourselves and to quiet the of self reproach by doing double duty immediately afterwards and in this way i diligently set about to work that in my husband s heart and character which i had promised myself should be the happy termination of my christian labours for a short time every thing went on pleasantly enough for we had no one to interrupt our gravity his mind seemed willingly to take the tone of mine and it was not difficult under such circumstances to draw forth even from him the often repeated quotation about looking fr m up to i god the first sabbath that we spent was at a small town on the banks of one of the most picturesque lakes in this delightful country and here thought i we shall be able to acknowledge the sweet influence of peace to enjoy communion with our own and each other s hearts and to worship in the house of god together perhaps i need not own to you that the prospect of being the wife of a clergyman the most powerful reason for my to become mrs henry and the gravity and apparent attention with which i now saw my husband conduct himself during the service was a great solace to ray heart i had always considered that his high office would impose a wholesome restraint upon him and that the respect he was accustomed to for the of religion would draw him away from all evil communications alas i had never reflected perhaps i had never observed how frail and worse than frail are all outward when the thoughts and feelings of an nature are within on our return firom church we were met by a yoimg man of no very promising aspect who saluted my husband with the familiarity of a college acquaintance and i had the i of hearing a cordial invitation for him to dine with us as cordially accepted nay he was | 41 |
even kind enough to join us in our by the side of the lake and when we called for a boat he very readily stepped in and sat down beside us it was not difficult to a character to my new a character more frequently found than admired for although college was the only through which he condescended to convey his ideas i understood enough and more than enough even from what was to me an unknown tongue he was the son of a london silk and bore about with him the of his so clearly stamped upon his countenance that you could scarcely look at him without his father the keen glancing over his and his and cousins running about from house to house and from neighbour to neighbour collecting for sweet cakes and home made not but that a t a for a that but the of this noble house endeavoured to distinguish himself by talking about the and swearing at and looking big at for he was evidently with any other kind of greatness at such a time and in such a place i could scarcely have been brought into contact with a being more repulsive to me and what made his society infinitely more intolerable was to see my husband completely led out of his better self sharing in the vulgar of this heartless mockery of a man relieved by any thing which brought a change i was glad to return to the inn and here while the pleasures of the table were prolonged i was compelled to listen to often for an writer to make use of a greek word may well be a piece of pre bnt rarely the same apology may be repeated that of painting m private life ft om the number of young men in the middle of society who think that a college education them to make use of thia to from the people i repeated and common place on my husband s good taste interrupted only by the good taste of the and the different in which they both appeared deeply interested in fact they were dining much to their mutual satisfaction that i felt no scruple in making my exit at a very early period of the entertainment informing my husband as i passed him that i should spend the evening upon the water take care of yourself said he with many of those expressions which people are wont to use when their hearts are not entirely with you and we will join you in the course of half an hour there are few things that make a plain man look than an expression about the face which reminds you of dinner and wine and when i turned away from the door of the apartment but more especially when on passing it again i heard of laughter from within i could not help wishing with a sigh that it was possible to love my husband better the book which i selected for the companion of my was milton s paradise lost and in these delightful pages i lost myself for a while carried away as it were from the realities of earth up to a higher of intellectual and pure enjoyment from some inexplicable cause however a if the chain of imagination had snapped asunder i suddenly awoke to the full consciousness of my own situation above me was an almost sky with the sun gradually declining towards his golden couch far in the west around me was the magnificence of nature the of the bathed in radiance and nearer the woods and islands and grassy slopes clothed with summer s richest while all were reflected in the mirror of the peaceful water over which i was silently gliding and in the midst of this region of repose and loveliness what was i as a being created for immortality and with feelings and powers and of a high and intellectual nature i dared not contemplate the yoke to which i had just submitted myself and as a christian to an and almighty judge the thought was still more dreadful and disgusting pictures of the future presented themselves to my mind degrading associations low thoughts and gloomy fell upon me with a deadly weight until with the feeling that they were rapidly becoming more than i could bear and glad of any thing that might divert me from myself i told the to row me back to the shore almost unconscious of what i either said or did here i was not met as i had anticipated and i on solitary and musing not stopping to admire the gardens and the pretty cottages all over with of beauty the scent of innumerable roses the freshness of the air the exercise the sight of happy and healthy faces and the many social groups gathered together in the fond enjoyment of a day of rest brought me back to something like a sense of pleasure and i returned to the inn just as the was into evening quite disposed to make the best of every thing with this determination i opened the door of the dining room not doubting but i should find my husband at my return may i k you my friend if you have ever gone suddenly from the pure atmosphere of a summer s day from the of the breezes that play over the lake and sport with the spray of the and dance upon the of the mountains and sleep in the valleys amongst of have you ever gone suddenly from the freshness of such enjoyment into a dining room that has not been opened for three hours dinner now this was exactly what i did on the of a sabbath day sailing on the lake and reading milton and there sat my husband with a flushed and dizzy look not certainly he would have been horror struck at the thought but | 41 |
with all that was most marriage as it may be gross and in his nature laid bare upon his brow not certainly but just so much by the lowest kind of excitement that he had almost entirely lost his self possession and that lively tact with which he could sometimes play off an assumed part and thus when he declared that he had been ten times down to the water to look for me he betrayed himself by a knowing wink at his companion which seemed to say this is the way to manage a wife long and intimate association with evil has somewhat my natural feelings to that quick sense of on the part of others which i once had yet not so entirely but that i have a vivid recollection of the intense agony i suffered from the repetition of this falsehood trifling as it was in every respect except that of its own base nature of all that comes across our path in the rough and varied journey of life there can be nothing more deadly and to the social affections which bind us to each other than the first falsehood when the trusting and youth goes forth into the world from the shelter of the paternal home and strong in the early principles of truth perhaps he is consigned to the and protection of the or the worldly minded and here he for the first time with horror and dismay that in order to maintain what is called a respectable standing in society to combat with the difficulties the and the tricks of trade to obtain that bread which it is thought necessary by mankind in general to deceive and and too frequently to sacrifice entirely the fair principles of honest dealing let me ask whether after such daily contemplation of the lowest o the human soul he would not at times be willing to give all his acquired possessions to be able to return to the innocence of his early years and to feel again the confidence with which he could once sit down and look around him in simplicity and peace before his ear was startled by the first falsehood it is not so much the direct character of a lie to which i am now alluding though hateful and vile and sinful in itself it is its consequences felt as they are not only in the inner chambers the secret recesses of the heart but on through all the chain of human fellowship to the boundaries which separate man from the brute creation nor is the first falsehood a stain that can be soon wiped off an error that can be easily the best we can make to each other is a free of our but even after this we see and feel that we are fallen from our high estate from the safe which we occupied in the affections of those around us can the wife ever ask counsel again of the husband of her choice after she has detected him in the first falsehood can the husband ever look again with perfect satisfaction upon the countenance of his wife after the first falsehood has her lip alas no a barrier has been broken and the waves of sin and sorrow roll in upon their paradise of domestic enjoyment when the mother looks into the face of her child and sees there instead of the sweet open confidence of truth bright eye cast down with shame and the rosy lip trembling beneath its burden of deceit her heart within her as she for the first time the trail of the serpent amidst the loveliness of her own and oh if she to whom belongs this holy name could even dare to by falsehood the of her high title i could almost think that not only the of destruction would sweep away the happy circle from her hearth but that her angel his trust would bear the melancholy tidings up to the highest heaven where the that wing their happy flight around the throne would veil their faces and weep but to return to my story i need hardly say that after the scene i have described i had little satisfaction in rambling through i no pictures of private life the delightful country in which i had promised myself much for il was easy to see that my husband was not exactly in his element and that his heart went not along with me in my admiration of the beauties of nature whether simple or sublime we therefore cut short our sentimental tour and turned our course towards our future home where from the anxiety which he evinced to enter upon his pastoral duties i felt confident i should see his character exhibited in a more favourable point of view i did not then know that the opportunity of displaying a sort of eloquence upon which he himself was the grand charm which these duties possessed and that the and safety of a favourite hunter upon which he had made some tremendous were of more importance to him than the study of cloud mountains silvery lakes rich woods and foaming the home upon which i entered had every thing in its appearance both within and without to invite a weary spirit to repose and i sat down well pleased to be mistress of a house my husband naturally kind hearted was delighted with my evident satisfaction and in this frame of mind he readily agreed to a variety of rules and which i proposed to him for the future of our domestic economy amongst these i insisted upon our never visiting or receiving on a saturday for in a situation high and important as his i thought it necessary to have that day exclusively devoted to preparation for the sabbath and as all his occupations were painfully prolonged by and i found it difficult enough even with my assistance to accomplish the | 41 |
of a sermon on the following day it was completed however arranged and put together for i cannot say that we composed it by one o clock on sunday morning and at half past nine my husband crept down stairs in his slippers to a cold breakfast which had been waiting for him more than an hour his rings his dress were selected and arranged and his white bands lay smooth under his chin but there no on his brow for he knew and felt that he was too late and that every one was thinking him so a feeling well calculated to the countenance as well as the temper to a childish and petty revenge upon shoe strings hot coffee horses and wives of course we had no time for family prayer a duty which we had decided the day before should never be interfered with by any other consideration nor indeed could i have well endured such a mockery in my lord and master s present state of mind so we set off together with a spirited well fed horse all the way by driving and over a dirty high road it was but a short distance to the village church which stood in a beautifully wooded valley but the rev henry esteemed it to his importance to be seen walking over the green fields through which we might have passed by a cool pleasant and much shorter way on entering the church where the congregation had already been waiting some time i observed my husband his pace and assume an air of majesty that was but little in keeping with his appearance and the an and playful manner which he seemed formed to wear oh power the na to see ai others os thought i as he ascended the steps of the pulpit and then when i tried to turn my attention to more serious things there came instead of the ridiculous images that were still more repulsive and of scripture presented themselves with deep and reproof such as they made me keeper of the but mine own have i not kept so that although the service was got through with tolerably well i felt that i at any rate bad not been unto and hoped that marriage as it may be ill others had been more favoured without having added one to that peace of mind which i much needed i turned away from the house of prayer where for any that i had received there might as well have been the tables of the money and them that sold however it was a gratification to my natural vanity to be the well dressed wife of a clergyman and i lifted high my head care to bend it occasionally with graceful condescension to the poor and as i passed them by what a strange compound is our nature when we do not acknowledge nay we hardly feel our own want of all rational substantial and healthy support so long as we can wear the of greatness and the world does not look in and see the beneath and yet we scarcely live through a single day sometimes not through a single hour without pointing at the the the the of that world from which we are at the same time concealing our faults even the most trifling by every possible and neither time nor trouble cost nor comfort pains nor patience to accomplish our purpose nor do we ever kneel down in prayer open our or converse on holy without acknowledging the justice the purity and the of that power before whose eye we dare deliberately to the laws which he has laid down for the merciful government of his creatures amongst the numerous who came on an early day to pay their compliments to were a mr and mrs whose appearance and manners were well to excite a wish to cultivate their acquaintance mr was a gentleman without business living upon a small income which with good management was just to afford every rational gratification to an humble yet philosophic mind and mrs was in all things a fitting wife for such a character in their society i found all that i most wanted at home but i soon discovered that my husband s natural and to intellectual and scientific pursuits in short to any thing that required the least exercise of mind was very likely to become something like hatred of the individuals who thus possessed the power of throwing him and his small into shade not that he was altogether ignorant or in many of tlie popular works of the day he was well as well as in magazines and belonging to the party for which as a of church and state he professed a sort of boisterous attachment besides he had an excellent memory and could passages from plays when i wished to talk seriously going off as the chairs and tables in the thundering of king richard and into the majestic madness of old but this was nothing for my private gratification still less was it in public and then as to the wonders of the animal kingdom the varieties of climate the study of plants and as well as the history of the creation in general he was so thoroughly and blindly ignorant that he had patience to listen with common civility when such were the subjects of conversation in his presence i had it is true observed this peculiarity long before i married but then he had such a lively and humorous manner of turning the discourse such a way of appearing if possible more ignorant than he really was that the importance of his was lost in the entertainment they but two people confined to each other s company hour hour and day day grow weary of their own jokes and when this amusement was entirely vanished from our fire side i felt a miserable blank | 41 |
which i would gladly have filled up as far as i could by the society of mr and mrs but this unfortunate partiality of mine for my literary and intellectual friends was a constant source of and not in deliberate and determined on the part of my husband they i pictures of private life were besides and all were in his opinion low bred people so that it was almost an act of rebellion whenever i sought the comfort of their social circle here however i was accustomed to meet with that of feeling which extends in the fellowship of love to all the community of christ that charity whidi ail things that philosophy which bows before religion and brings forward the treasures of earth ocean and air to the glory of their creator to deprive myself of the advantage of such associations was an act of greater than i felt equal to but i paid dearly for my short lived enjoyment in due time however the hunting season came and then my husband had sufficient animal to supply him with good humour even for the and we went on for a while each following the bent of our different inclinations with the hunting season came its worst dinner parties and drinking if not to actual yet to an excess that was far beyond my powers of on such occasions i was accustomed to shut myself up in my own chamber but even here my senses were stunned and my feelings shocked by the shouts and the loud of vulgar laughter that issued from the dining room how was it possible such days as these to call in the for evening prayer and in the morning the aspect of things was so little better that in time the custom was laid altogether and we who stood at the head of a clergyman s household might truly have acknowledged to ourselves and to each other that we were not in a fit state to engage in the duty of family prayer wounded weary disappointed i now sought the society of the more for a sort of fascination which it possessed than for any solid satisfaction which it afforded indeed had i weighed my feelings on returning home i believe the balance would have been on the side of misery the comparison was so dreadful so heart utterly devoid of all consolation i had no pursuits for and fretted as i was and bound up for life with a character so the mind loses the energy to pursue any thing and in despair there was but one hope for me to pull down the religion i had built up for myself and erect another edifice upon the true foundation but was going to the root of the matter in a way i had never dreamed of and i still continued to from my bitter portion without ring or the means of rendering it more it seemed to me in tliis state of mind that no creature upon the face of the earth was so d as myself and i often compared surrounded by comforts which i could not enjoy to that of him who was doomed to perpetual thirst in the midst of water of which he was unable to drink if the mornings which took my husband to the field were the happiest of my life the evenings of these days were the most miserable for just at that hour the grey twilight of a winter s evening when those who enjoy domestic comforts gather in to the social circle and draw around them the blessed influence of peace and love i used to sit solitary and musing waiting the tread of a tired along the gravel walk beneath my window and then the noisy entrance of a man calling with impatience for his dinner to which he would sit down without either grace or gratitude and when his keen appetite was a little came the luxury of his glorious leaps and magnificent exploits to thai of drinking my health with the health of any other person man woman or child who might prove an excuse for the glass and then followed the deadly stupor of exhausted animal nature with the heavy eyelids closed and the whole face into the stupidity of sleep it is true i cannot pay myself the compliment of saying that i to make the best of these opportunities to struggle against the disgust that was fast gaining marriage as it may be upon the growth of my affections or to bring down my understanding to whether my own internal pride of heart and want of charity and neglect of duty might not be as in the sight of heaven as those vices at which i felt so indignant no i made no such appeal to reason no such inquiry of conscience but have sat for hours lost in a fruitless reverie with no other sound to cheer me than the deep breathing of a weary while my eyes were fixed upon the red embers of an fire because i was unwilling to break the repose of a sleep which however in itself afforded me a from that which was still more and in these dreamy hours what came back upon my he rt again the sweet picture of my house the voices of my sisters when we were happy at home the fields where we used to play the books we read together and more than these the fresh of feeling r to be recalled how far m husband s character might have been improved by st ous and well directed i am not able to for i with and that this trial which i never made having is promise as a lover i was ai wounded by his failure as a husband and in no small degree on discovering that neither my influence my wishes nor my example wet e sufficient to win | 41 |
him over to d s of heart as if there could possibly be more in the charming of a weak woman than in the daily experience of the unsatisfactory animal enjoyment the force of and the conviction of natural reason n of all those human j which stand in glaring and palpable of nature and experience and common none can be more blind and than that which leads a vain woman to believe that by marrying a vicious she shall be able to turn him from the error of his ways it is true he may promise well nay he may sometimes even believe his own words but let her look to the talent that has been committed to her care to her own little garden of weeds and wandering plants to the soil and the fruit and ask of her own heart where is the proof of the labour and skill necessary for the cultivation of the wide desert that has been laid waste by the while her own scanty harvest tells too truly of careless it would be daring presumption to wish to increase her responsibility and if she had indeed been faithful over that which was committed to her she would shrink from the unequal yoke the fellowship of him who had not learned to love the of religion mr and mrs possessed that true liberality of feeling which delights to different of christians in one sacred bond of social union all equally who partake of the spirit of their heavenly master in their society i was accustomed to meet a lady st the wealthy of an active and popular party in the religious world accustomed to lead direct she moved about with the majesty of a queen and i own it was difficult for me to believe that true humility could dwell beneath such an exterior but my friends a ui hie that she was most devoted and in her to do good and if said they we look for so much energy and zeal without the least mixture of evil we must extend our views beyond this world it is for us t k rejoice that we have amongst us a distinguished female who accounts it no upon her birth and station to stand forward in the cause of religion perhaps the strict views of this lady might be one reason why she always assumed a double share of in her communications with me nor was it possible for me to remain by this manner so well calculated to establish between vm a sort of precise cold good behaviour which i should have been sorry in pictures of private life deed to upon by the least touch of familiarity with my husband she held no intercourse how would it now have been possible beings so differently constituted to meet on any common ground indeed they seldom met at all except when he had good humour enough to come for me at night and drive me home d then the air and close shut lips of lady st sufficiently indicated her sense of to be dreaded from such society she was of all persons the one in whose presence you would most dislike to be guilty of a breach of good manners or to give cause by any kind of failure on your part for what you more than suspected would be internal triumph on hers with these feelings i always met her and was truly thankful when i could say good night without having had my husband s conduct as well as my own to answer for there came at last however a sudden termination to our slight and unsatisfactory intercourse it was a memorable evening lady st and i never met again we were seated in our usual manner around mr s hospitable hearth he who was properly the head of his family upon that most interesting subject of discussion a subject which so few can treat with nd coolness the difference of and the peculiarities of religious opinions i with my hands ever upon a chair opposite the fire and lady st was seated erect upon tiie sofa and strong in the dignity of a and belief while at her side was miss robinson a young girl with meek brow and hair occupied the and post of poor relation i an humble friend an and a faithful of her s arguments i regard it said mr as a great blessing a blessing for which we ou ht all to be thankful that in consideration to the weakness the and the manifold wants of our nature we are permitted to hold different shades of opinion to adopt different modes of worship suited to the natural tone of our minds nd to meet at last where all these slight distinctions are into one bond of everlasting union let it be remembered continued he amongst the of which we daily partake that we dwell in a land where our worship whatever form it wears may be up in the face of mankind without fear or shame or danger to that throne which our less privileged not addressed in secret and sorrow from the of within prison walls and amidst the horrors of just at the close of this sentence we were all by a thundering knock at the door who can this be exclaimed mrs but i spoke not for i knew too well it was my husband i heard his step coming with an sound along the floor of the hall look was sufficient with an elaborate attempt at more than common propriety he addressed mrs and then turning to lady st bowed so low that i began to fear he would never r himself bat he did at last regain that erect posture which is so valuable a distinction between and the brute ana having done this he seated himself with great complacency beside me what can it be which on such | 41 |
occasions seems to give intensity to the organs of sense and perception in spite of my determination not to see anything i beheld every body s eyes and caught all the glances by which they appeared to ask of each other can be uie matter and deaf as i would gladly have been deaf as the rocks to the drowning seaman i head miss robinson whisper to her aunt the man is while the indignant lady drew her closer to her elbow and shook the full folds of her dress as she gathered it round her feet away from ail chance of marriage as it may be it seemed that others were not quite so much alive to the true state of things as i was myself for good mrs always endeavouring to set every one at ease addressed my husband on the common topics of the weather the roads and the moon while he having just sense enough to perceive that he had made a breach in our con begged we would proceed let me see said he with a that intended to be very i dare say you were talking about bible societies or sunday schools do you know mrs there is nothing i upon like sunday schools perhaps replied this excellent manager of you will have the goodness to add to the collection i am just now making for our annual rewards with all the pleasure in the world exclaimed he who was the patron of the institution thinking the tide was now setting in more i ventured to raise my eyes and saw him a sovereign out of his purse and present it to mrs so far so good thought i and my pulse beat slower encouraged by this appearance of mr commenced again with the conversation which had been so suddenly interrupted and addressing himself politely to my husband we have been endeavouring said he to reconcile the slight differences in our religious belief by considering the advantage which is thus afforded to the union of a variety of in one great cause and you sir i am sure as a gentleman of mind as well as a warm a sir said my husband springing upon his feet and placing his hand upon the back of a chair with all the mock majesty of a public speaker while he thundered forth with a voice which brought the to the door to listen a sir of that church sir whose institutions i whose laws i and purity i set forth of that state sir whose king i obey to whose loyal subjects i offer my right hand and of whose aristocracy i am happy to say that i make one sir show me the man sir whose heart does not glow with indignation when he hears a base against the church sir that church which has flourished through ages in the and power of her saint like show me this man sir and i will strike him with ny foot show me sir the traitor who dares to harbour in his soul not only the remotest thought but the smallest of an idea to majesty and the might and the magnificence of his sovereign and i will shed my best blood sir in him from the earth show me again sir the man woman or child who is base enough to submit to the degradation of from that most holy most venerable most mighty most grand most most every thing of all institutions and i will hiss sir i will hiss as i do now and he actually pointed his finger full in the face of lady st and prolonged the hissing sound until we had all time to grow stiff in the attitude of amazement to relate what followed would be impossible i had wondered until my astonishment was exhausted i had felt until feeling was worn out i had endured until the power of endurance was no more i lost all of impressions and can recollect nothing after this scene except a confused call for carriages in which lady st and my husband both insisted upon being first her however gained the point in starting but my worthy soon drove past her with a yell of triumph which made her coachman start upon his seat and draw his horses off the road as if to make way for a madman the week which followed this scene of absurdity was one of unbroken on the part of the and of something very much of the same kind on mine interrupted only by occasional and allusions to the gross of such conduct pictures of private life when the morning of saturday arrived no change for the better had taken place and it was with evident satisfaction that my husband informed me of an engagement he had made for that day to dine with a neighbouring gentleman who was more celebrated for his wine than his wisdom now was the time for me to exert my influence if i had any to lay aside all airs and to show by the sacrifice of my own wounded pride how sincere was my desire to promote the interest of that cause for which i had once been so that the day before the sabbath should be devoted to the services of religion but no i could not at least i would not bring down my spirit to remind my husband of his duty for it was impossible to do this without at the same time recalling the past days when i had been humble enough to make a favour of his and in the present state of my temper nothing could have been more than to make the acknowledgment that such a being so lost to common sense and common decency so prone to in his own folly could possibly confer a favour upon me i saw him linger even beyond his usual time of | 41 |
fearful truth for nothing could be worse than my apprehensions the case was indeed bad enough yet not so glaring but that many of the congregation were to believe that my husband had been taken ill what added peculiar to my distress was to discover that from a kind and delicate regard to my feelings and the shock they must have received on the evening of the terrible with lady st mr and mrs had their usual place of worship and attended our church that morning with the generous intention of convincing me that they at least could look upon my husband s conduct but this was a breach of propriety a of all moral and religious feeling for which they could find no and it was evident that the calm and well regulated mind of mr had been deeply shocked and wounded this must never be repeated said he as we walked together in the garden it is worth any sacrifice of private peace to prevent he did not say what but went on you must labour and faithfully and if your best cannot overcome this i entreat you then to apply all your energies all your zeal to induce your husband voluntarily to resign a situation from which he must in time be and thus with many strict charges respecting my own vigilance and care he me and i turned into my own habitation on the noon of a smiling sabbath when pictures of private ufe the goes home from the house of prayer and all who value the of a christian community acknowledge with and joy the welcome influence of a day of bodily rest and spiritual refreshment i turned in to my own habitation to sit down with a husband whose senses half drowned by recent were still dense and and whose very countenance retaining the mark pf the beast was flushed and distorted with fever and burning thirst now my friend i believe you have had experience enough in the of the world more especially have seen enough of that worst kind of deception by which we endeavour to impose upon ourselves to lead you to join with me in the false delicacy by which women are accustomed to blind themselves to the true nature of vice thus we speak of a gentleman being gay being under the excitement of wine being good hearted but a little dissipated an enemy to no one but himself and thus we marry the creatures whom we pity for such gentle errors when we think we would not for the world unite ourselves to a vicious a drunken or a bad man not that i would in any way imply that because of our own from glaring vices we should look with eye upon those whose temptations may have been more powerful than ours but oh what weight what dignity would be added to the character of woman if when speaking of mankind she would raise her mind above that of nonsense which is used in polished society to throw a veil over those vices which cry aloud for our deepest our most fervent most i could draw a picture of what a gay man is in private life but which of my fair sisters would not turn away her eyes and say it was impossible that her should ever resemble that but enough of this i wish not to expose my poor husband s more than is necessary for warning others from the same rash experiment which plunged me into the deepest despair and while i speak fair y of his character i desire to treat my own with the same and to prove that whatever his errors or even sins might be they were more than balanced by those which i endeavoured to conceal within my own heart by the presumption which led me on to undertake his having never made my own calling and election sure by the rebellious and pride in which i refused to fulfil the only conditions whidi could produce a favourable change and by the contempt with which i looked down from my own fancied elevation upon his lost and fallen state severely deeply as my were ha rowed by this last exposure i still adopted no measures nor condescended to enter upon an impartial examination of the root of the evil the next morning i will venture to say did not rise upon any creature more wretched than myself i awoke with an indistinct sense of impending over me something dreadful that would happen or had already happened and scarcely could the calamity that words describe have been so intolerable in its o as that universal yet indefinite kind of desolation which was made sufficiently evident to my fully awakened thoughts what am i where am i and what do i possess are three appalling questions which we not ask ourselves on first from a long and heavy sleep i had no answer by which to the anguish of my heart and i arose it was but to take up again the weary burden of the past day under the pressure of affliction in which no one can partake and which we imagine nothing can we do not be the time by tracing our accustomed walls in grounds or gardens but seek either the city or the solitude the crowd or the wilderness because in both situations we feel ourselves equally unobserved in this state of mind i chose out for myself a melancholy retreat where neither my husband nor my were likely to find me it was in a wild and plantation where the grounds of the were bounded by a brook that murmured perpetually oyer a bed there was no beauty in this scene except what the little brook and the wild weeds gave it yet here i used to sit on the stem of a fallen tree the very birds and the insects that winged their flight | 41 |
around and above me even winter could not keep me from this spot for i loved its withered grass and bright green moss and silvery but most of all i loved to listen to the blast that roared amongst its boughs here i was one day indulging the full bent of my fancy until at last my thoughts broke forth in words everything in nature said i has some purpose to fulfil some power to exercise some impulse to obey but me i alone of all creation live on from day to day in a perpetual imprisonment of soul why why was i ever animated with human life when the very worm has an existence more than mine the simplest of air may flee away and be at rest the birds have their wings to bear them to a distant land and the stream that murmurs idly at my feet through a thousand meadows finds a welcome in the bosom of the ocean at last i had scarcely uttered these words when my ear caught a rustling sound amongst the dead grass and branches on the opposite side of the brook and i saw the figure of an aged woman stooping down to fill a with water the bank was so damp and slippery that it would have been to find safe footing even for one more light and many fruitless attempts she looked up as if to see whether any one was near of whom she might ask assistance and half ashamed of my offer i crossed the stream and stooped down myself for the water there was to me a strange novelty in doing even this act of common kindness which pleased me for the moment as it brought a change and i insisted upon carrying the if her home was not far distant oh no said she with many apologies it k dose by just at the skirt of the wood you may see the smoke beside that old tree but still it is too far for you to carry such a weight and the way is not the here she hesitated for there was evidently some other reason why she did not wish me to go with her and this exciting my curiosity i with my burden which had it been imposed upon me and not of my own choosing i should have thought heavy the cottage to which our path led was beautifully situated and at first i thought it presented a perfect picture so apt are we to imagine that the cares and troubles and of life must necessarily be shut out from such picturesque and secluded on a nearer inspection however i found an air of great poverty spread over the whole and a appearance about the door that might soon have been done away by a strong and willing hand at the entrance of a plot of garden the old woman stopped and took the from my hands with many hearty thanks for the service i had done her may i not go in with you said i oh yes ma am if you please but she stopped again and looked distressed i have a poor said she for they were north country people who is just now in some trouble and will not be much pleased to see the face of a stranger but i am sure you are a kind hearted lady and you may be able to say something that will comfort her we were standing but a few paces from the door though from the small window and while we hesitated about entering i heard the following words sung in a sweet and plaintive voice by some one within who appeared to be of a listener song listen oh i listen b returning f hear ye the of hia step o er the a come again l mt one the bright are ii the hearth is swept clean in thy cottage for thee sad is the night and the morning how dreary dark ia the son when away come again d one my bosom it weary to welcome thee through the long day where ia my joy if thy is not near fa my hope if wilt not return y vainly my s would cheer me vainly my mother s bright would bam where are the that danced on the mountain where is the moonlight that slept in the where is the sparkling foam of the fountain the music that d in the whispering where are the songs i hare heard the birds when all was melody d to mine earl now every note a sad burden is bringing of spring time while winter is near where babe is thy wandering y close thy sweet eye and thee to rest ask me no more thing i would rather lull thee to sleep on this come again the bright are is thy wife and thy mother are watching for thee come again loved one thy brings beauty to nature and gladness to me oh that s her way said the woman when she s alone it her poor heart to sing these dismal if she thinks no one can hear her but come in my good lady you must not stand here in the cold the sound of our steps at the the young woman in an instant from the fireside where she had heen sitting with her in her arms there was at first a bright flash of expectation in her looks which faded away on seeing who we were and though she welcomed us in with civility and kindness i saw her turn away to wipe off the tears that were continually gathering in her eyes at last she retired into an inner room and i was at to ask her mother what was the cause of her distress it s a long story said the old woman and one that is too common for you | 41 |
need for me to look beyond my present and prospects to that region of where there is neither nor gloom but what exclaimed i giving way to my cheerless meditations what is there in this wide world for me this poor woman upon her husband with all the enthusiasm of youth and the very love which her heart at the same time keeps it firom the of despair in the midst of my gloomy reflections i was star tied by the sound of carriage wheels at the door and looking out i saw my husband extremely pale dressed in a loose gown and supported or rather carried into th house by a medical who lived near us he had gone out that day with the intention of compelling a young horse to take a desperate leap and the consequences were such as might have been anticipated the beast was obstinate the man furious at last a dreadful conflict both horse and rider had rolled together down a steep bank and had not a poor man been passing at the time in all probability my husband would have been unable to himself he had paid dearly for his by many severe but he had a good natured way of making the best of that which was bad and he now looked cheerful and affected to be much less hurt than he really was there is nothing wins upon our kindness more than suffering patiently endured and when my husband saw my real concern and my to serve and assist him his joy and gratitude were beyond bounds be always thus said he and you may make of me what you please e always ill thought i and it will be no effort to me to do my duty it is peculiar to weak and characters to imagine that every new impression they receive will be deep and lasting and influential upon their future conduct the surface of their animal existence is so often and so easily stirred that they ha e no time to ascertain what lies beneath and thus are incapable of reasoning of judging of their own feelings or motives and of drawing conclusions from the force of established habit the power of association and the impossibility of acting rightly merely from occasional efforts of the natural will any one who had but slightly studied human nature would have thought my husband during his confinement to a quiet chamber in a state of mind which promised great of life even i was fain to build upon the earnestness of his promises made in the warmth of awakened feeling and thus the moments we spent together while he was ill and helpless were amongst the happiest of my life for i had then an object in view towards the of which i seemed to be making some progress nor was it an task to reason with one who now was glad to listen to plead with one who heard me in a subdued and gentle spirit but my hour of trial was not yet come and this i i was compelled to return to the cottage of the poor woman to take a fresh lesson for my own private walk to gather fresh strength for the performance of my own duties it was with deep and regret i observed in my repeated visits that disease was making rapid progress in the once healthy fi of the young woman the kind of melancholy which i endured and which i fancied so intolerable made no upon my constitution but hers was a torture of the heart a strife between love and sorrow which no human constitution can long sustain often as i had entered the cottage i had never yet found the wandering husband at home until one evening when nature was again assuming the freshness of spring i was surprised to see the figure of a man seated beside the poor at first i hesitated but s voice called me in with such a tone that i could not turn away without once witnessing her joy he is here t she whispered to me as i stood beside her he is here she repeated with a look of happiness that can forget was indeed a fine looking man whose strongly marked countenance indicated a strong character at first i thought him handsome but when he spoke there was a thirsty kind of about his features which had no doubt been brought on by his dreadfully habits however seemed to be unconscious that he exhibited any other aspect than that of perfect beauty for she leaned with her thin white hand upon his arm and looked up into his face as if she read there all that was written in her book of life this little act of kindness on his part his merely staying with her one evening when her mother absent was worth in her estimation all that the world could offer of riches rank or splendour and her gentle eyes were lighted up with something of the brilliancy they had worn m former days and her hollow cheek was tinged with a fe marriage as it may be hue of crimson beauty oh how different the rich glow that had once distinguished her as the pride of village maidens it was with difficulty i persuaded to keep his place at the fire when i sat down beside them he would gladly have gone away like one who feels that much charity is needed to his presence but and i both did our best to detain him and when she asked me to read to them a chapter in the bible saying she was sure that would like to hear me read he felt compelled in common civility to main half afraid of venturing too far in the presence of one with whose character i was in a great measure i chose the of the prodigal son and my heart | 41 |
melted as i went through those touching passages which describe the return of the penitent on looking up i saw that had covered her face with her handkerchief while with the other hand trembling like an leaf she still grasped the arm of her husband who bent down his head over a rosy child seated on his knee and its glossy tied and the strings of its frock and pressed its cheek to his breast as if glad to do any thing that might relieve him from the misery of quietly beneath the scrutiny of searching eyes is there any thing thought i that a stranger s voice may say to add weight to that of and i offered up an inward prayer that my might not be made in vain i know not how it was but i found strength and power on that occasion to utter words that sounded daring to a strong man and a stranger but he bore them well and when i took my leave even offered to attend me home as darkness was fast coming on i accepted his offer and we talked by the way of the hope there was in store for the penitent of the of prayer and of the mercy that fails not even in the latest hour and then last of all we talked about poor and though i could not say for i did not believe that even his altered life would now save her yet i urged upon him many times before we separated the satisfaction he would afterwards feel in having cheered her last moments and watched her gentle spirit depart in peace it was wonderful to me that the exertions i had been able to make with those whose feelings and habits were comparatively strange to me i should find any difficulty in performing the same duties at home but so it was was a man of strong and deep character with whom the words that fell upon his ear were on his heart nor was it from carelessness about the ruin which his habits brought upon his family that he had so long persisted in the evil of his ways so far from this the very anguish of his self up sometimes drove him away from home and in this manner his desperation served to increase its own violence the case with my husband was essentially different his was a mere animal over which a and spirit had little power it was not to drown the anguish of a tortured mind that he swallowed the fatal draught but solely for the sake of the excitement and the love of what he called good company in his repeated fits of there was no want of sincerity for the time but nothing could give constancy and firmness to his resolutions thus on recovering from the long confinement to which his accident had subjected him he rushed again into the world with fresh interest and sat down to the jovial board determined to drink little still there was a radical change in my feelings towards him and the views which i entertained of his character no longer plunged me into and during his illness i had the blessed fruits of continued exertion for another s good and though i could not be said to love him beyond the kindness we feel for those who share our lot in life i had learned to look even upon him when i pictures of private life endeavoured calmly to weigh and estimate his character thousands of instances occurred to my recollection in which i might have acted a more christian part towards him and with these considerations came fresh pity and forgiveness for his faults but what said i one day to mr when we had been speaking with kindness and of the absent what can i do to save him my dear friend replied mr you must do your best i never heard that we were commanded to save each other happy is it for us that the salvation of our own souls is all that is strictly required of us but remember that in order to make sure of this great object it is necessary that we watch over each other for good that we do not da ken counsel by calculating too much upon the end but faithfully and diligently in rendering our appointed service your to save your from disgrace and ruin may not be attended with the reward you desire but are there not other rewards in the hand of far far beyond what your most earnest can deserve is there not that peace of mind which all understanding never denied to the humble and are there not the promises of the gospel to support the pilgrim on his way is there not the unbounded ocean of everlasting mercy into which the tears of our weak nature may flow oh do not despair even though the desire of your eyes should be denied you know that in this world is not our rest and that none can drink of the cup of life without its yours may be all in one drop of bitterness but is not the rest more sweet than falls to the lot of many i know what you will answer me you will say let the axe fall anywhere but here let my outward portion be one of poverty and suffering but leave me a home where my spirit may dwell in peace let the come in the tempest so that my fireside comforts remain let tlie lightning strike my bark upon the ocean that it spare my summer bower p and who know the strength of these feelings not from their anguish but their preach to you it may seem in mockery of that which i have never experienced but still with a heart that for your calamity and still with for i know that the events of | 41 |
this life are not as they appear to our contracted vision that there is the working of a mighty and mysterious power around and above us striking out waters from the barren rock upon which we have lain prostrate in our despair bringing forth flowers and fruits in the wilderness where we have stretched our wearied limbs to die and raising up joy and beauty from the ashes of our ruined hopes let us look my friend away from this one point of misery and number the blessings that are beyond have you not the means of and the poor employ yourself diligently in the service of others and your home at least your heart will no longer be desolate not outward comforts merely but conveying instruction to the ignorant and thus while bearing a blessing to the you will often be blessed yourself i recommend these pursuits especially to you because i believe them to be amongst the means afforded by divine providence for the mind from melancholy and fruitless brooding over its own secret and selfish sorrows beyond these are those spiritual helps which i need not point out to you but which i pray fervently may prove the support of your soul it was not long after this conversation took place that i was summoned to attend the last moments of poor and here if i had doubted the of that faith which my worthy friend had so earnestly recommended to me i should have seen a lively and striking instance of its power to support the feeble spirit the exhausted sufferer was still able to speak and as if aware that time with her was short she laid her hand upon my arm marriage as it may be as i stood her and looking in my face entreated me in the simple language of her he t to put my trust solely and entirely in him who knows what is best for his frail creatures for continued she in a cheerful and animated tone it is this that has supported me it is this that will support you the aged mother sat by the bed with more of peace in her countenance than i had seen there before and poor now smitten to his inmost soul covered his face with both his hands and sobbed aloud in the bitterness of unspeakable anguish sometimes as he was able to raise up his head catching s eye turned towards him with such looks of tenderness and love that the fountains of his tears burst forth again and he wept like a child without concealment or shame oh may those tears be blessed said the dying woman think not of me when i am gone i was but like a flower in your path love that withered at noon day but think of the flowers of paradise and the burden that must be borne and the that must be fought before we can enter where they bloom for ever keep on keep on the strife will soon be over it is worth all to gain the prize and so saying her gentle soul departed from this time was an altered not but that he had sometimes hard before he could compel himself patiently to endure the worm of but what with the care of a christian mother and the winning helplessness of his poor children and above all with that mercy whose fountains refresh the soul of the penitent he enabled to keep on a steady course without any breach of regularity of life or conduct not so my poor husband i have now watched over him for years i have seen him dismissed from his high station and returned thanks that he was no longer permitted to disgrace the of the church i have descended with him into the most private and secluded walk of life and though i have found in that walk much to reconcile its and smooth down its thorns i still up my voice from a weary and wounded spirit and oh that i could speak more powerfully to warn the trifling the thoughtless and the from that most lamentable of all most of all misfortunes an ill k pictures of private life second series bt mrs of wives of england etc judge of tlie or of take this the of your your of god or off the relish of in short the strength and of body over mind that thing is to yon innocent it may bo in itself ii author s edition complete in one volume new york j a h g house k preface though well aware that to even from a popular every sentence against an objection can be brought must be to leave the author in the of the artist who his painting in his to please the public in striking out every part which did not obtain entire approbation yet is there one feature in the pictures of private life which has been hinted at by more than one review of too important a nature to be passed over without serious consideration it has been said of the first series of this work that the religious sentiments it contains are not sufficiently decided if by decided is meant i freely acknowledge that i have both in the first and second volume avoided every sentiment and every mode of expression not common to christians of every the principles of religion all sufficient for my purpose had that purpose been confined to the narrow circle of domestic life i should doubtless have made many additions from my own peculiar views of what may be most expedient useful and under certain circumstances of birth and education but these views had they even agreed with one particular party and obtained from that party the recommendation of being more decided j would have been of little service to the community at large and might possibly in | 41 |
some cases have prevented the introduction of more important truth upon which all agree it must also be remembered that my object is rather moral than religious to higher teachers i leave the definition of what religion is my and more task is to show what we should be without its supporting and influence to point out the paths which conduct us to or from this blessed goal and if possible to spare the idle and the thoughtless the cost of learning by their own experience what fatal consequences attend upon the choice of an course i cannot commit the present volume to the good will of the public without one word of a lighter nature to the who sit around the christmas fire to those whose busy hands are ever ready to direct the arrow for which they have not bent the bow by such a great deal has been said in reference to my last volume on the subject of personality a subject on which i beg leave to assure them that i have been more guilty of than design and that many have been pointed out to me with the coincidence of names and of which i was altogether unconscious at the time of that an author should draw a likeness without knowing it will scarcely be believed by those who are not acquainted with the process of thought by which an iv preface abstract idea is derived but to use the parallel of painting as best adapted to the purpose let us suppose an artist employed in representing a of melancholy he gives himself up for a while to the abstract idea but his business is to convey it to others and imagination quickly produces the figure to which memory has unconsciously to him given the features of the person from whom he has possibly derived his first or most forcible impressions of melancholy while absorbed in the single idea derived from these impressions he his work without the likeness until others more are kind enough to point it out and then if the representation should by chance be of any temperament quality or passion more than melancholy woe to the poor painter i there is no teacher like experience there is no proper regret for the past but that which produces for the future i now to the public a volume containing many characters all so carefully selected watched and guarded that but for the mere circumstance of their humanity and consequent in human i could almost defy the scrutiny of the most penetrating eye to detect d resemblance unless it be to my friends friends and surely i shall not be considered for that to those who have been more active than judicious in the of the last volume i would recommend that they look for themselves alone in this and that they confine their search to the examples that are most if they succeed how happy will it be for them and me how much happier than should they choose out the most characters fix them upon individuals of their acquaintance and blame the writer for the consequences i contents page th op pictures of private life and none did though to hall bower he gathered for and he knew them of the hour the of present cheer yea i none did love not s dear chapter i m the rev charles of parish of was turning down brow of the hill which overlooked his q quiet dwelling in the valley he was met his sister mrs who la ring hold he rein of his bridle cried out boon a boon what is your pleasure fair dame to morrow is the day replied the lady pointed for certain rural sports such as ing and the like and we desire company of your daughter who adds double pleasure to whatever ty she may honour with her presence ir shook his head i do not your parties upon water may n damp shoes to say the least of the dan and he hit his pony a smart stroke n the neck which made him quickly his rein and start off at a brisk walked off also in the knowing by long acquaintance the habits and feelings of man the less she said to urge her suit the e likely was her brother s heart to it was not long before he was again at her side i have heen thinking said he that the poor child has but little entertainment at home and that if she does really add so much pleasure to the party she might as well go but mind sister in the article of clothing i depend upon you as understanding these things better than myself and if she should catch cold thank you thank you i interrupted mrs i will gladly bear all the punishment you may think fit to inflict upon me if she should catch cold the morning was beautiful when the merry group set off who had not yet learned the painful lesson that when boys go forth to enjoy girls must stay at home took the place prepared for her comfort and safety with cushions and which she pushed aside as soon as her father and mrs had concluded their many charges to the old experienced and were fairly out of sight close beside her sat her cousin a tall commanding youth some years older than herself whose right to the privileged seat no one disputed and at the farthest possible distance stripped to pictures of private life tt his shirt sleeves and at the oar was his younger brother walter these two boys or young men as they were more likely to have called themselves were each born to an inheritance as different as the dispositions which they carried along with them was heir to an estate which would a some future time afford him the possession | 41 |
so well known to all that they bore along with them an influence more readily felt than explained laid down the line and said she was weary walter took it up and walked off with an air that showed his will if not his power to catch every fish in the river the rose and wondered when the party would think it time to eat the gave up their fruitless task and gathered round their friends while ever the first to perceive and turn away the dark spirit of discontent ran for the baskets of provisions and began to place around upon the rocks the welcome which mrs had prepared and fortunate it was for her to maintain good humour and good will that they were backed by the keen and healthy of the whole group even could eat and walter being summoned by the shrill notes of the came wandering up from his retreat had chosen for the place of refreshment a sort of picturesque cave or hollow by the side of the stream where they were shaded from the sun by the branches of the and by the ripple of the water at their feet is it not happiness to be here exclaimed the delighted girl as took his place beside her but there was no answer in his face to any voice that spoke of happiness and she appealed to walter the last of a row of boys seated on the opposite side of their temple he answered from his clear blue eyes with such a look as the wounded and wear the deceived and the try in vain to assume a look that lasts but seldom beyond the days of our childhood a look that reminds us of a higher and purer state of existence and tells more of what we might be them what we are k the feast waa ended the songs sung and ail were ready to renew their sport are you weary asked one weary never exclaimed walter and he bounded forth again like a young upon the plain and were left alone to their meditations for knew that her grave cousin was no favourite with the boys and therefore said she to herself as no one wishes for his company i will stay with him that he may not be left entirely alone so you really like the sport of fishing said oh yes replied i like to look into the bosom of the clear water where it is shaded from the sun and to see the rocks and pebbles and wild s on the shore as for the fishing i don t care much about that only it makes an object what a pity said her cousin that you cannot find a better object i was thinking as i looked down upon you from the rock that amongst all the savage wonders of creation man was the only animal who had refinement enough in his cruelty to make one living creature a bait for the of another the tiger the cat and all that tribe are accustomed to sport with their victims they them but when we see the lion catch the butterfly and hang it out as a for the birds of the air that he in his turn may prey upon them then may we truly say that the lion in his nature is noble and generous as man i watched you this morning for hours as i sat alone but with most amazement my eye dwell upon the figure of a fair young girl who snatched out m triumph the poor inhabitants of the stream and left them on the sandy shore to away in lingering agonies the miserable of their lives bent down h head and blushed in silence at last after many fruitless attempts to smile she said you are too severe upon a small matter yet now that i think of it seriously i cannot say much in its defence and therefore i will never do the hke again at this instant a loud splash was heard in the water and a general cry arose from the party walter poor walter has fallen m did not stay to hear more he was an excellent and from the first impulse of a naturally kind heart he leaped into the stream the hollows amongst the rocks were so deep and that it was some time before he succeeded in finding and dragging his ther to the shore was at his side in a moment his temples his hands and his feet but apparently without avail let us carry him said she to the nearest house and directly ail the boys offered their services for walter was tlie pride and the joy of every heart the prince of comrades the king of good fellowship and glee took upon himself to direct who should assist and who should not walking at the head of the party and pointing out a cottage at a distance from the river here he stood over his brother in a calm and collected manner ordering means to be tried as he believed to be most rational and no sooner did the glow of return to tm cheeks of walter and joy to the eyes around him than withdrew from the group and only returned to himself of his brother s safety and recommend to the boys who had had excitement enough for one day at least that they should seek the and make the best of their way homeward and for you said he i give you your choice if you prefer remaining with my brother you shall if not i shall endeavour to supply your place on which decided at once to stay and walked with the rest when walter had recovered the possession of his faculties his gratitude was beyond bounds starting from the bed upon which he had been laid he dressed himself in a grotesque suit of clothes belong | 41 |
ing to tlie s son and then placing a chair beside the fire for assured her over and over again that he was perfectly well and that she alone was in danger of suffering all her kindness and care only his that he felt nothing but health and gladness and when the carriage sent for them by mrs arrived at the door he assisted his gentle cousin with as much alacrity and politeness as if his recent in the water had been nothing but a dream the time before they reached home was spent in mutual congratulations that things had been no worse for oh said walter it might have been you dear instead of me chapter ii perhaps the kind reader will not unwillingly pass on with me over the space of a few short and years supposing by a slight effort of the mind that according to the usual course of time the old will have grown more grey the young more grave that a few venerable heads will have been laid in the quiet tomb and a few warm hearts have awakened to the conviction that life is not altogether a garden of flowers that the sun of human happiness does not always shine and that the pictures of imagination to maintain any claim to truth must like the world which they represent have their of night and day in the next place let us look in upon the parlour of mrs where a comely matron with whom time has had none but gentle dealings her quick needle ever and anon glancing round to ascertain the perfect and of books pictures and of summer flowers with which her elegant apartment is adorned at the opposite side of the table a pale girl dressed in deep mourning ia bending over a half finished drawing a girl no when she raises her head and her grave and earnest eyes upon the countenance of her aunt you see at once that is no longer a girl but why that stole and meekly hair and why the absence of all those ornaments with which her father used to delight to see his child adorned the fact that mr had been called away to his long home must account for one part of the change and the melancholy truth that he had led behind him but a scanty for his daughter now thrown actually upon the kindness and protection of her aunt must account for the other the anguish of the first grief which ever assailed her heart had given to the once happy face of a tinge of melancholy while certain difficulties arising out of her present situation with a feeling of and a strong desire to herself in every way to what a strict sense of propriety might require added a gravity to her look and general somewhat beyond her years her aunt too though of a disposition naturally kind frank and generous had just that prompt decided matter of fact way of speaking which accompanied with a vein of dry sarcastic humour has a direct and powerful tendency to seal up the fountains of a young and tender heart to small and brood over half conceived anxieties and weep we scarce know why are amongst the weaknesses of youth while our portion is yet so pleasant our summer so bright and our hopes so little that we can afford this expenditure of feeling any adequate cause but when watched with critical inspection and coolly questioned as to the direct origin of our tears we learn not to cease to weep alas no but to weep only in private and to wear for the public a mask whose and impenetrable aspect bids defiance to that scrutiny which time and experience have not yet prepared us to bear thus in the presence of her aunt was a correct amiable and well behaved young lady but little more for the full tide of her warm feelings was only t pictures of private life l to flow without restraint in secret and which of your cousins do you like best asked mrs all on a sudden and upon her niece a look sharp as the needle she had just drawn from her work while startled no doubt by the a of the question blushed the deepest crimson why do you hesitate child continued the aunt as if i had plunged you into a it is a subject i never thought of before said and it requires time to decide upon but which could you best spare for as they are both likely to leave me soon i am constantly weighing and the losses i shall sustain both likely to leave you said looking up yes you know must go to im and walter poor fellow will be obliged to pursue some that will afford him a maintenance for the future i said that was constantly talking of college but i did not that he really meant to go i hope he does replied the mother he wants knowledge of men and manners he wants association with the world to give him a better opinion of it but this is nothing to my purpose i want to know which of them yoa could best spare i have weighed the matter myself and drawn my own conclusions and now i ask you just to know whether you agree with me leaned back in her chair and while playing with her pencil and fixing her eyes upon the fire gave her mind up to itself more than she was wont to do in the presence of her aunt why said she at last is more my he rides and walks with me more than walter does and yet walter trains your horse and takes care of your dog and your birds and does ten times more for you that s very true and i should be ungrateful indeed if i did not miss | 41 |
clear depth beneath us behold what a world is below masses of magnitude like the above down down to an depth think if we should strike upon some of their rugged and which are barely through the water if a gale should arise or a draw us in with its devouring strength then we should die together said and looked up into his lace to see if there was more in his words than met the ear accustomed to behold him on ail occasions with eyes cold and averted she now blushed to find that for the first time in her life they were fixed upon her with tenderness and deep interest for such was the high tone of his reserved and stately character and such more especially had been his respectful delicacy towards that she had never before been reminded by look or word of the probability that he could be more to her than a brother how mighty and mysterious are the influences of association which strike the keys of thought and feeling sometimes ringing a thousand changes upon a single word or an unexpected look for some time remained in silent rousing her head turned away from and her hand drooping down so as just to touch the sparkling waters that against the side of the boat her eye wandered over the wide scene of splendour and beauty that was spread before her and apparently her mind went along v th it into the and of the where the pictures op private life sea weed lay in dark and heavy masses or high up to the s brow or far into the horizon where a few white sails were seen like beings their flight to a distant it might be to a happier land alas no her thoughts had now little to do with the loveliness of nature her imagination was in the land of visions up strange pictures of the future in which the only actors that appeared in her air built castles were herself and that mysterious and being who seemed formed to be the ruler of her destiny here said his oars and folding his arms here is loneliness enough ah i give me the desert where i may breathe and move in freedom or the wide of boundless ocean where upon its restless bosom i still may ride and sleep and here said would it be your happiness to be alone no not alone if any mortal mixture of earth s mould could be found whose sense of enjoyment was like my own and not of enjoyment only but of wrong and injury and and oppression no there is not there cannot be a creature constituted like but is it necessary that the people with whom we live should have feelings and prejudices like our own ah there you touch the root of my malady i cannot live with people if i hold any companionship it must be with one being and one only and if that being could not look upon human nature with sentiments like mine it she brought with her a bright eye a rosy cheek and a heart warm and social as your own how then could she endure my or sacrifice the bloom of her life to the premature winter of mine she would endeavour said laying her hand upon his arm to make the less moody she would tell him that the wide universe even in whose deserts are fountains of delight was created by a being wise and merciful who has allowed to the creatures of his formation just happiness enough in this life to make them wish for eternity and just sufficient suffering and trial to fit them for everlasting enjoyment that it is not only in the and the ocean and the free air of the wilderness that we feel his goodness but in the power and might of human intellect in the intercourse of mind and in the kindly affections of relationship and home and how would you teach this to me to those who can feel there are many ways of teaching but come it is time to return chapter iv when the reached mrs s door waiter appeared as usual as if by a kind of magic which brought him always to the very spot where wished to and at the very moment when she wanted a helping hand and was happy to find a cheerful welcome back to day however she only answered by a slight inclination of her head and scarcely a single smile to waiter s congratulations on her safe nor did she appear either surprised or deeply interested when he said in a t and manner as they walked together into the house i am going to leave you going to leave us i when to morrow i believe what so soon but all this was said with such a careless and wandering eye that walter whose heart had been full enough before turned suddenly away from his cousin and scarcely exchanged another word with her during the rest of the day it is true her appeared to one who was looking on this occasion at least for a little sympathy a little kindness in return for all that he had upon her but it is fortunate for the human heart that it cannot feel at all points at the same j time and had seen a sort of vision that which left her little interest for the realities around her the evening of the same day was spent by walter and his mother in all the bustle of preparation in which he appeared to take an unusually active part hurrying from room to room with a firm and determined step as if the very violence with which he trod the floors at tlie same time trampled down some painful and almost feeling the mighty business of packing was at last nearly | 41 |
the garden ask him if there was any thing she could do on her descent to the garden with this resolution was met by a boy bringing home her dog where have you been peter said she and who told you to take my dog mr walter ma am replied the boy gave me strict orders to exercise him every day he chose to walk two miles with him himself this morning on purpose as he said to play with the poor animal for the last time and to show me how to make him take to the water and then to rub his coat and all how i am to manage him for as he said just as the coach was driving up the poor fellow perhaps would miss him more than some others would this reproach simple as it was and altogether struck to the heart and she retired to her own room to pour out the bitter and burning tears of self the coach which walter had chosen as the most suitable vehicle for himself and his sorrows was one much celebrated for its rapid and furious progress and though inclined to pity the poor horses he was upon the whole well pleased with the speed with which he passed through the air the dangerous swing of the carriage the shrill notes of the and the wonder and with which the arrival of such a vehicle is always hailed by the supplying the which he wanted from without to relieve that which was somewhat too intense within it was a close and evening when this phenomenon reached the of the metropolis whirling along in an increased of dust and the horses and panting in the heated atmosphere the the ears of his fellow travellers with oaths and rude the busy multitude through which they now passed their indifference by the with which they looked up from amongst their heaps of withered vegetables or peeped from the still more disgusting to the entrance of the wiping their wrinkled brows with well worn and kicking the lean dogs that came to smell for alas they might not taste their dainty then the rattle of carts and carriages and beyond in the distance the and interminable din of this human hive what a for the heart sick traveller whose senses had been awakened in childhood to the music of summer birds the murmuring of pure waters the green pastures and meadows the scent of hay fields and all the sweet sounds and sights that fill up the treasury of nature could walter have looked back to the scenes of his childhood to the favourite haunts of his years he would have seen at the very same hour which first found him a weary and of the city a little boat pushed off from a rocky shore against which the idle waves were gently heaving with a regular and sound while all beyond was bright and silent as a sea of glass the shadows of be majestic fell far over the sleeping waters while here and there a bold fragment of rock caught the last tinge of golden sunset and the western sky was lighted up with such that the waving of wild plants which grew upon the brow of tiie precipice were shaped out in clear and distinct outline it was almost to disturb the stillness of such a scene even with the oar so rested from his labours and bending over the side of the boat seemed to watch the feathers of the sea bird as they sailed past her on the surface of the gliding current poor walter said she at last with an involuntary sigh i should say happy walter observed who would not rather bid adieu to breaking hearts than live for ever with those who cannot bless them whom ey cannot bless it is happier to feel that there is a chain which you to some human fellowship even though that chain should be strained to its utmost stretch than to stand alone as i do and to know that in your moments of weakness you can have no support beyond yourself ah now said you speak as i would always have you speak why why should you be oppressed with this miserable loneliness when the world has so many warm hearts for those who will but seek and value them but none for me it is my destiny to be for ever for something which i cannot find in this weary life something more constant and sincere than the general character of society affords something deeper and more than that and palpable mockery which you call friendship the ties of relationship said when rightly estimated afford us much of strength and consolation in seasons of trial and have you not a mother whose to her children is most and a brother my mother replied has no longer that affection me which constituted the happiness of my childhood the melancholy fact is that i have worn it out by my and sullen temper my brother too whether tiie difference which he feels in our circumstances or from some other cable cause has become reserved and distant towards me so that you are the only being upon earth to whom i can open my heart or communicate the feelings most intimately connected with it shall i tell you replied why others cannot or rather do not share in that intimacy which i enjoy it is because your character is never before them it would be unreasonable to expect that any one should love us because of the mere circumstance of our existence or even for some latent feeling of regard which lies at the bottom of our hearts unknown to any k pictures of private life being but there must be a mutual understanding occasionally an exposure of the inner mind accompanied by innumerable little acts of kindness and to the happiness | 41 |
than mirth in such laughter and would they not give all the wealth of the peopled city to see with eye that were lighted from within and to walk once more in the sunshine of their own hearts it is not thus with the happy few who are the reward of a well spent life they can look back with as little of contempt as regret upon the of youth that live in recollection like the roses of summer when the cold are sleeping on the ground faded and fallen it is true yet fair and faithful that the blessings which have been may yet be again that the power which first created can still renew and that every of our past or present happiness is an from that source which is able to fill the future with eternal joy it was not easy for the two friends to converse on any light or topic and all the subjects which had lately them the deepest interest on this day appeared to be accompanied with too close a relation to their own individual feelings to be either safe or pleasant ground to touch upon consequently they rode on in almost unbroken silence yet each occupied by the same train of reflections thinking as it were into each other s minds feeling simultaneously and understanding without words arrived at s favourite point of observation they stood upon the bold and gazed once more upon the wide expanse of waters without a mark a bound it lay before them like the ocean of on which their thoughts were floating s tall and commanding figure stood upon a point of projecting rock and in her character held her station like a sister spirit s pictures of private life at his side there is no human who would not have pronounced these two beings to have been d for each other s happiness but there is to be done in the world besides looking thinking or even feeling in with those we love and life is a very different scene from a sea view on a sunny day lightly upon the surface of the ocean did s little boat glide off from the rocky shore and when he rested upon his oars there was such solemn beauty and stillness all around that was less disposed than ever to interrupt the harmony by any words of her own still she had had much to say to her cousin before he his home and how could she answer to her conscience if she wasted this last opportunity we have not yet said that was beautiful but there was something more than beauty in every change and movement of her expressive even in its repose there was more to be learned admired and felt than in the most efforts of many of her sex and now when her heart was with a burden of disinterested anxiety and love could not choose but gaze upon her face to read there what her lips seemed unable to utter at last she spoke and the very tenderness of her expression showed how far were her thoughts from dwelling upon herself i have wished dear for the power of conveying my sentiments to you without the use of words and never more so than at this moment when i seem to have no proper language to express the deep and earnest desire which i feel for your happiness not merely for your successful studies your satisfactory in life or any consideration confined to your good but that you may shake off that heavy stupor which the faculties of your mind and stand forth amongst your fellow men as good and noble as the best it is my fate it was bom with me and will haunt me to the grave but what is it that makes our fate it is indeed our fate if you choose to give it that name to be born in one particular nation with a certain form and complexion and not with some peculiar tendency of constitution both mental and bodily but are all our reasoning faculties with the power to choose and adopt our own habits to go for nothing while we float down tlie stream of time as weak and worthless as the weeds upon this wave and above all is tlie grand working of an almighty power pledged to assist our feeble efforts not to be called in to promote the great end of our being to complete our preparation for a higher and happier state of existence i hear your voice said like the music of an angel s it charms me with strains in which i cannot join it tells me of joys which never never can be mine oh do not speak to me in poetry i have given myself up too much to ideal happiness this may possibly be the last time that we shall ever share together that happy confidence which has been the blessing of my life and none can hear those words with more true sadness of heart than i do now for a few moments turned away her face it might be to conceal her t but she quickly resumed i have often thought it would be an excellent plan for friends about to separate each to impress upon the mind of the other as their parting charge what they most wished them to bear in mind when absent tell this to me said and depend upon my i have no scruple replied in saying that you can in no way add to my happiness more effectually than by endeavouring with the designs of providence to promote your own looked disappointed and when appealed to him for this last duty towards herself he coldly replied that he knew of no fault she had to correct and as to any thing tliat would merely make him happy he hoped he never should be selfish enough | 41 |
to wish for this plan of mine said with a j not appear to answer for if i guess right we are both disappointed in the result you because i have asked almost the only thing you would not do to please me and i because your answer me that you do not love me for since we are all imperfect creatures i have no idea of that love which does not seek to improve its object and how can this be done when there is wilful blindness to each other s defects think anything but that said affectionately taking her hand you have seen me as i am my naked soul has been revealed to you without disguise for i would scorn to purchase what i most desire by false pretensions of any kind whatever yet i know and have long known that for any one to see me thus and love me would be impossible and when i tell you that all the affection i am capable of feeling is in you that you are the good angel that must decide my destiny and that i should long since have disclosed these my real sentiments but for the cowardly dread of breaking the spell which has been the only comfort of my life i await your answer without fear for those who hope nothing escape the anguish of disappointment yet speak to me dear for i would hear the last fatal sound like the closing of the prison door upon the criminal rather than my darkness should be again disturbed by such faint and distant of forbidden happiness as even i at times have up a deep blush like the crimson glow of evening when it suddenly bursts forth upon every cloud and and of the western shore had risen to the face of while was speaking thrice she strove to answer but the tears that fell one another from her downcast eyes seemed to be flowing with too full a tide for words at last she mastered her rebellious heart and replied i have long loved you with what i believed to be the affection of a sister what that affection might have become it would be fruitless now to conjecture for you compel me to express my full that with one whose sentiments and feelings are like your ow there could be no real happiness you are right exclaimed with bitterness it would be worse than folly to unite yourself to misery in this world where truth and sincerity of feeling are without worth or value no man should ask a woman to share his fortune without he could offer her a light heart and sunny brow and a home of merriment and joy you are right to ask yourself where would be the gain i should be a dull companion for a winter s evening and you know it well hear me again said as she appealed to him through her tears that now were falling without control you wrong me if you think it is for myself only that i am speaking you compel me to say more than woman should say to tell you that i am unable to imagine any gratification to my natural feelings so great as that of cheering your hours of and sorrow and that i would rather share your fortune were it as my own than be set apart for the brightest destiny that ever to the lot of mortals but in this world we live not for the enjoyment of the present moment only and marriage is a holy and enduring bond and woe the woman who enters into it with base or selfish views either you must be aware that the sentiments you entertain of human life and the duty of man to his fellow man are widely at with what i believe to be right or my words have hitherto strongly my thoughts i know not how far a blind and love might in time carry me on towards with your views or how it might soothe me into a dangerous and luxurious repose in the midst of that enjoyment which i am unable to think of anywhere but with you but i am not blind now i wish not to make an idol even of you i cannot say i believe that in the present state of your mind you could assist me to correct my own i am pictures of private life far from the presumption of taking both of your and mine and i know that i must answer at the last day for the decision of this moment ah make me what you will exclaimed if this be the barrier us you shall mould me to your wishes k her d it is easy replied she to say that we are willing to be by those we love but would it not be safer and wiser to submit to the of him who first created us for we know not that those whom we most admire are able to form a correct notion of what is fitted to our individual good but we do know that a wise providence has placed us here for his own gracious purposes and that he will require us to render an account of how these purposes have been a vain woman may persuade herself that she has power to change the character of the man who loves her but i am not yet to learn that the change which is wrought merely for the sake of a can neither be lasting nor sincere said you are a sage cold you know not what it is to love how is it possible to convince you that i do sighed and musing for a while with her eyes fixed upon the distant horizon she resumed if it is so easy to change the heart and to adopt new habits of thinking and feeling this may | 41 |
surely be done as well before a bond is entered into as i therefore give you twelve months from this time to to the character which i most desire you should be all the assistance that my limited knowledge and unlimited can afford shall be at your command and oh if the day should ever come but she checked her enthusiasm and turned away from those earnest eyes that reminded her she might possibly say as well as hope too much you are not satisfied said to her moody companion they had both been silent for some time i am bound to be satisfied said he but nevertheless i think the man who is worth trying is worth trusting i do trust you as i would trust no other man you have now the opportunity of deceiving me but i know you will not use it and i rely as upon your and sincerity in this instance as i ever did before but let us clearly understand each other ere we separate it seems to be on the important subject of duty that our sentiments differ so widely i maintain that a life of usefulness alone can be a life of happiness and that every human being has the power of being useful in some way or other according to his circumstances and natural with the former part of your statement i agree that none can be happy who are useless and but to my own case i cannot apply the latter for i believe there will ever be a upon all my to serve my fellow creatures and with you it is very probable that such an idea should exist for your have hitherto been made more in the way of sudden efforts or arising from the impulse of the moment than from that steady and of energy and zeal which is necessary to any result and even here i find my views are essentially different from yours for i cannot believe any one to be from the duty of loving and serving his fellow creatures even if as you say a should be upon all his because mat duty is one wliich we owe to a of infinitely higher authority than man and vi strictly in the holy as a test of our obedience and faith i have thought it is by looking too much to the effect of good by expecting too immediate an evidence of our usefulness on earth that many well meaning people are discouraged and thrown back into stupor and despondency forgetting that he who has appointed our task has bestowed a blessing upon the performance of it by making us happy in the use of the means while he to the mystery of the end thus there can be no disappointment attendant upon the service of the humble christian because whatever he may have sacrificed or lost or he has still been faithful to his heaven master and in that itself not in its effect upon others if the only sure and lasting happiness which this world can afford was now silent and surprised at having been carried away into a style of speaking so different from her usual manner endeavoured to for having occupied the time too much with her own words by saying no more until they reached the shore here her favourite dog awaited her and glad to break through the cold solemnity which had somehow or other stolen over her companion and herself she stooped down to receive his with more than her warmth happy fellow exclaimed with a look of scorn you have no to endure it is better to be a dog than a n is it better answered to have had nothing committed to your care than talent and receive ten t i chapter vi there are few things in life that make a woman more us than the whether she will accept or reject the hand which is most agreeable to her in the world until this important crisis in her fate arrives she appeals to be but a passive of flattering attentions but in one hour perhaps one moment she has to her mind o all its vain illusions and to act simply and decidedly for herself without support or assistance from any earthly creature all must be completed too in so short a time for the least hesitation the least delay is into a consent and the lover triumphs accordingly who then withhold the of admiration from her who refuses from principle the man whom she is most inclined to love voluntarily her own sentence cutting off her own hopes of that domestic enjoyment which is dearest to a woman s heart had been accustomed even from childhood to habits of serious thought and the of no mother to watch over her early years by throwing her upon her own resources had confirmed this habit and made it the most striking feature of a character otherwise natural cheerful and energetic on the day of s departure she was more serious than usual and fearing that mrs might attribute her want of lively spirits entirely to the loss of her cousin s company she determined that before she slept that night her aunt should be in possession of the confidence to which she was sa fully entitled with generous minds confidence does not form a subject of regret mrs was always most amiable when trusted and when she retired to rest felt not only that an important duty had been discharged but almost as if she had found for the first time a firm and substantial there was now no mystery between the and niece and though sometimes sighed over the little interest which the name of walter excited she could not but admire and commend her niece for th decision which she had made was not a girl to sing love songs to the moon perhaps no one could be capable | 41 |
of a deeper or more lasting attachment but her life was filled up with active duties and she had neither time nor inclination to sit down and brood over selfish or imaginary sorrows those who give themselves up ts the absorbing influence of what is love might think knew little of the tender passion when we say that she went on with the accustomed pursuits read the same books applied herself to the pencil and her music and visited the poor with apparently the same interest as before but the deepest pictures op private life are not the most in our daily walk and here is the great virtue of habits of industrious and useful occupation that we fall into them without an effort when the mind has most need of being away from its own secret cares who can read these tender and touching lines beginning there are without feeling that the simple child of nature whom the poet so describes was enduring the fulness of earthly and that in its most and exquisite form and yet he tells us that attention through the her d and to be aa resigned the d neatly the d nor d to expect pity or pardon for neglect the first letter om after he reached the place of his destination was filled with an of the of his journey descriptions of the cold or rather the absence of all welcome which awaited his arrival and the faces and strange habits of all around him the next was more cheerful for it spoke of having found a friend at last one who rails at human life by the hour his name is george of good family and manners at least to me but you shall see him in the winter when he has promised to return with me there is some mystery about his early years which always gives him pain when into but it is not for me to read in the workings of his proud and sensitive mind the effects of injustice and injury from his fellow men from those who are either or slaves just as they are placed above or below the central line of independence where strength and weakness meet and beyond which no man is to be trusted hey day p said mrs who was reading the letter it is well that we people are not required to understand the logic of the present times let us pass on to something more intelligible tell that she must call up all her philosophy for she will now have two instead of one and who knows the world will be able to bring facts to support my opinions mrs handed the open letter to her niece who glanced over it with apparent indifference yet with that keen searching which none can understand so well as those who look for some kind mention some some trivial fond record to seen felt and valued by no one but themselves but no this casual mention of her name was all the remembrance it contained and felt it was not thus she was the recollection of some time elapsed after this she heard again from her cousin and the next letter effectually the of delight with which she broke the seal for it spoke in no measured terms of unpleasant affairs and in had proved himself a noble and a friend alas sighed mrs i fear his nobility is nothing better than pride and his friendship self interest we will not judge him yet interrupted while her countenance expressed that peculiar land of anxiety which nothing but such painful suspicions could possibly give rise to she continued will never make a friend of the man whose opinions materially from his own and who but himself can think as he does and act nobly the winter came and with it the two to the remote village of they were now bound together in the intimacy by that kind of which may not be called a league against the whole human race confident that the appearance and manners of his friend if they did not always inspire admiration must invariably obtain respect was proud to present him to and cousin who regarded the handsome stranger with curiosity not with suspicion he indeed a handsome man according to the usual application of the j word his features so finely and regularly that the looked again and again for that repose and satisfaction which fine features alone are unable to the restless wandering of his eye would have been sufficient of itself to rouse the fears of a but there was besides a ready made smile of sweetness he wore on all occasions exciting a doubt whether it had first been assumed for the sake of displaying an exquisite set of teeth or for the still more dangerous purpose of some secret passion or impulse whose frequent had rendered the disguise habitual it was impossible to read such a countenance all bland and smiling as it was and turned away from the cold marble study to gaze with renewed satisfaction upon the nobler brow and more intelligible expression of her cousin who was too much above the least practice of deceit himself to detect a false smile or even a false word in others thus he was deceived and every fresh instance of confidence increased the bitterness with which he thought and spoke of the actions of mankind in general whether it was that the company of this associate by throwing his best qualities into contrast rendered them more conspicuous or that the mental of her cousin had become more during his short absence certain it was that never had admired him so much as now she even fancied that he had grown kinder and more cordial and her own welcome was in danger of being more warm than was by the circumstances attendant upon his departure it is possible tliat | 41 |
was glad to feel again the comfort of a home for in spite of his cold exterior he had in reality an affectionate and generous heart that for all those social sympathies which his notions of what was really perpetually induced him to upon as worthless and thus like the heroes of a popular poet he made his own wilderness at the same time that he mourned over its desolation the day of s return was one of those which make us gather into the very centre of whatever household comfort can be found dark cold and pitiless without but mrs s hospitality was an enchanted circle within which whoever entered found full for past the countenance of however though it was did not with the domestic scene o not though he praised the of every description and smiled upon furniture and faces the evening closed in with an increased howling of the blast abroad which made the warm glow of fire and lamps within more welcome the curtains were let down the sofa drawn forward and piles of dry wood blazed and on the hearth still conversation became commonplace and at last it altogether mrs ordered and and smiled but without cheerfulness next her of a of mixed with a few of her own drawings which had been wont to commend upon these the stranger bestowed unbounded admiration but they were soon turned over and the leaden of fell upon the party again thus may one strange countenance or rather one strange heart untouched by the social sympathies of life by home associations and dear of early affection and enjoyment cast a damp upon the genial hour like the of old whose presence although by any thing unnatural in themselves was said to make the lights of the festival bum blue there is no cheerfulness like the cheerfulness of the heart that honest open daring to be innocently happy which shows itself in the clear and sunny eye connecting as with the links of a bright and living chain fond thoughts and early loves truth hope pictures op private life of home and early companionship with the intense and pleasures of the present hour why why within the book of beauty is this fair page so seldom found an oyer estimate of the attractions of had induced so far to his constitutional reserve as to warn his friend against an attachment to his cousin for said he with embarrassment quite unusual to him i believe her hand her affections at least say no more interrupted whose dreams were not of matrimonial your cousin s heart would be safe from me were she as or fair as the of her there was indeed no need of such a g for and seemed repulsive to each other so true it is that simple virtue has no more attraction for a base and artificial character than that character has in return for virtue itself with such feelings it was distressing to to find herself on the following morning a with her cousin because she knew that the first question might reduce her to the necessity of giving pain where she would so much more gladly give pleasure too was at a loss how to commence the which he was determined to make at last stooping down to caress the once envied favourite he said with a significant smile love me love my dog i hope the does not apply to friend as well as dog replied plunging at once into the difficulty which she knew must be encountered it does with force to try at any rate is all the proof which can in common be required and if you will give me time i will try to like your friend i should have thought the feeling might have come without an what have you to to his disadvantage you speak as if i entertained a prejudice against him for prejudice it must be and that of a very kind where nothing is known i only acknowledge an absence of love and for this i can give you no better reason than that i do not understand him he is as the day not to me for i have no sympathy with him and it requires a long time to understand those characters to which we cannot apply the key of sympathy was disappointed for he knew the warmth of his cousin s heart and her freedom from caprice too well to suppose that she would willingly withhold either sympathy or love from any one pleased however to observe that his mother had been the stranger with her company in a through the grounds he sought an opportunity of whether her had been equally dull after stout efforts to bring down his pride to the level of asking a question he did at last plainly and decidedly how mrs liked his friend to which his mother never more puzzled to give a decided answer coolly replied he has handsome teeth out upon the woman said to himself they are all as perverse as their first mother and he ordered his horses and rode for the remainder of the day with his new friend whose various good the fair and foolish sex were evidently unable to understand or appreciate women when entirely of passion and prejudice are better judges of character than men because from the facility with which they throw off they are able to identify themselves as it were with others entering into their and motives and into the deep recesses from whence arise the springs of action if therefore women are not remarkable for understanding clearly nor consequently for acting wisely it is because their feelings are so powerful and vivid that they seldom listen to a story witness a fact or experience any of the common of life without having the faculty of judgment which they undoubtedly possess equally with men tossed to | 41 |
and fro and sometimes finally by the stirring passions of the moment such as hope fear pity love or indignation chapter vii a week of social intercourse was scarcely gone before the aunt and niece had both discovered that s new friend was i every way ill adapted to correct the faults of his disposition i cannot tell why he has chosen him said with some impatience i should have thought he would rather have fixed upon a straightforward blunt and independent man one who if i may use the of would tell truth and shame the devil do you not perceive replied mrs that straightforward blunt independent characters by at once upon the truth must frequently upon the imaginary dignity of those who themselves in haughty reserve but this man has a manner peeping from beneath his ey lashes to make observations when your attention is turned away yet never openly and fairly looking any one in the face you must not find fault with that when be takes so much care to utter grand sentiments whatever he may feel always dressed up with a of nobility and daring too is kind and generous but this man is cold and as marble except when animated by hatred or revenge only think how his countenance changed how his brow contracted and his eye flashed they talked over the and injuries they had received from the party at college and yet i dare say mrs there are few of that party who bear in mind the circumstance of their existence so much do characters of this description their own importance in the and hatred which they suppose themselves to excite would they but apply the same to benevolence and love the deception might be worth for my own part i always think that we must in some measure deserve the hatred of mankind we obtain it or else have shed ourselves so decidedly as to call forth tho powerful feelings of envy that dread ii passion which like hatred delights to every thing to light that is capable of being tortured to the disadvantage of another now few who complain of the of their fellow creatures will grant that they have deserved it and still fewer can prove that they are distinguished enough to be the objects of envy but come let us endeavour to dismiss these harsh thoughts for see the two friends are approaching with faces more grave than usual as soon as they entered placed an open letter in his mother s hand announcing the serious and alarming illness of the old gentleman a stranger to them who preceded in the and whose death would place in his possession a splendid and almost fortune felt a strange tremor steal over her as her aunt was reading and for a long time she dared not raise her eyes to s face but when she did look up he was seated in a musing attitude his eyes directed to the distant woods or the sloping lawn with neither cloud nor sunshine on his brow nor any change of feature indicating the least emotion of soul i wonder said he at last whether this man will leave any one to mourn his loss whether one tear of real sorrow will be shed upon his grave or whether all like me will be watching for what they can seize and appropriate as their own what a world is this where one cannot possess without another where one cannot be made rich without a hundred being poor you can hardly call that robbery which pictures of private life is to you by the law of the land without wrong or injustice on your part said mrs still less can you say that that man has lost his wealth who is called away from it by death but the herd of and poor relations who have been on upon his how they will hate to see my face to say nothing of the little admiration i shall have for theirs and then the trouble of doing justice to this person and the other of satisfying all claims and standing in a conspicuous situation before men to be at by the very of office to be flattered followed and and worse than all oh to be fallen in love with by young ladies rose and dropping her lowest hoped she never should offend in that way well continued evidently endeavouring to shake off the slight appearance of excitement into which he had been betrayed it will be time enough to lament over these evils even the last and greatest when the old gentleman has really paid the debt of nature you and i have other things to think of let me see how long is our from classic lore you will hardly return to college under present circumstances said mrs what circumstances can possibly affect me replied so as to tear me from the shrine of besides there are other reasons the vulgar herd would toss their and say they had driven us from our ground time flew on but still no further tidings of importance reached the village of and on the day before her cousin s departure willingly mounted her to enjoy a ride with him once more had set off in company with them but not the situation of third turned to enjoy a better sea view from a distant point of land and perceived with heightened colour that she was alone with you see said he addressing her in a kind familiar tone i begin to i have made a friend ah i you compel me replied to say what in your ear will sound harsh and you have indeed foimd a companion but are you more happy for his society i have more courage to brave the ills of life have you more patience to endure them for all since we cannot overcome what you call the ill | 41 |
of life patience to bear them is what we most need i hate patience it was made for beasts of burden i believe there never was a really great character replied calmly without patience most assuredly there never was a true christian without it but to argue in your favorite style from scripture truths did not job loose all that he had while he sat himself amongst the pots was anything left to him except his wife who if one may judge by her advice was no great treasure and were not his bosom friends let loose to worry him in his last extremity you forget that all these circumstances but a series of trials by which his patience was proved that in the end he was made a wealthy and happy man again and that in the mean time he was a harvest of wisdom from the fountain of all true knowledge as we no doubt may do if not immediately from the voice of an teacher yet by the same power through the medium of that discipline is dealt out to us in our i have always thought observed dropping the argument for the sake of his favourite theme that this specimen of friendship is the most perfect of any that we have on record how exquisitely true to nature is the conduct of his friends first making a show of sympathy by sitting in silence upon the ground and then falling upon him with their pitiless reproaches until the very of bitterness were wrung out from his soul in those memorable and touching exclamations no doubt ye are the people and wisdom shall die with you miserable are ye all how long will ye vex my soul and break me in pieces with words suffer me that i may speak and that i have spoken mock on v commend me to an honest enemy there is something clear definite and intelligible in the hatred that seeks to you at every point and consequently you may arm yourselves against it but the love that itself into your very bosom there to tear up and examine all the materials of which you are to drag to light your hidden stores and per force whatever is to its own nature can be no defence against such an enemy as this for at every effort to the intruder or resist its it turns tender and tells you it is all for love who but a friend ever the right of choosing what shall make you happy and of it upon you who lays bare your own heart before you at the very moment when you are least inclined to witness a spectacle but a friend have you committed any act of under the of which you are in secret who breaks in upon your solitude with the story of your shame but a friend is your character unknown to you stained with the very for which you have another who upon you but a friend are your suddenly and totally expended or is your just married to another who steps in with the pleasing friend is the anguish of ingratitude in your heart s core and thrilling through every and nerve who has plunged the poisoned dagger but a friend in short look around upon the miseries of human life and see whether the hardest portion has not invariably been out by those who have assumed the name of friend ah the the shallow void the utter of that mockery which men call friendship it is a game fit only for children to play at when they seek for something less productive than blowing in the air yet why call t when it is every day through all classes of society when it is the grand engine of deception by which men and women too impose upon each other for all falsehood flows from this stream and no man was ever yet betrayed to an enemy who had not first trusted in a friend my friends are has been the burden of the deepest groans of wretchedness since the world first began and the only cry which escaped the lips of in his dying agony was et tu brute p and yet replied boast that you have found a friend i boast not i only say that i have foimd the thing so called the proof is yet to come at present he is and civil as all new friends are but according to your own rule you ought to hold yourself ever upon your guard against deception i do and shall doubtless shake him off when he begins to take liberties oh said looking at him through her tears when will you learn to value that which is truly before that which merely affords you momentary pleasure i value before all the world how can i better prove the of my judgment blushed and smiled and for one moment one dangerous moment there ted across her mind the natural and womanly question whether it would not be worth all things and herself with s fate for good or for evil so that she might ever be near the altar of his heart to watch and its fires no no said she to herself it will not do i have no confidence in my own power i might live with him and love him until i choose rather to think than to think differently until i preferred falling with him pictures of private life into the gulf rather than remaining in safety and alone and thus the very doubt which she rightly felt of her own influence served to strengthen her resolution to trust nothing to vanity and little to affection chapter it was some months before was made the proprietor of castle and the wide expanse of well cultivated land that stretched over hill and valley thickly studded with farm houses and peaceful the ground was laden | 41 |
with the green promise of a harvest and the trees had just unfolded their first fresh beauty in bud and when a travelling carriage with and his friend still faithful for this was a for close drove up the stately avenues over which the ancient branches of elms stretched forth in b ld and protecting majesty and although was wrapped in more than his silence and reserve it is possible his heart was warmed with a glow of secret satisfaction as he looked out the wide domain of which he felt himself the lord and saw towering amongst the trees tlie of his own castle magnificent in the grandeur of past ages the two friends had willingly bid adieu to college life for the determination with which they persisted in believing themselves disliked had eventually created the feeling which at first was but imaginary professed himself incapable of any higher aim than the desire of being near his friend and proud without ambition was glad to the frequent intercourse with mankind to which his residence at college subjected him his pride indeed was of the most refined and independent character resting upon the sole basis of its own majesty setting loose the possessor of so dignified a quality from all necessity of laying hold of the common advantages of life to keep alive his own importance and rendering it sufficient unto himself to be still it is not easy to suppose that he enter the gates of his own park where a throng of expectant faces smiled the welcome nor feel the sensation ef at the noble which was henceforth to be his own door open to he might esteem worthy of his hospitality without a sensation of satisfaction more lively if not more deep even found nothing to complain of nothing to suspect although he wandered from room to room with a curiosity which his deemed idle and when night came and the household had retired and no eye was open to his actions himself began to explore his pacing to and fro from one apartment to another and sighing with the very burden of his own loneliness as he listened to the tread of his solitary foot upon the floor at last he threw open one of the windows and looked out upon the lawn where the deer were sleeping peacefully in the clear moonlight a rich perfume from the and and the sweet floated on the midnight air and the dew ay upon the beds of like a silvery there was no sound in earth or air save now and then the rustling of the leaves the of the in the distant woods or some movement amongst the herd of deer which served but to remind the listener that the wide world of animated nature was through the solemn hours of night what a beautiful world said might this have been if man with his passions never had gone forth to mar the pleasant pictures of creation how lovely is this scene before me how splendid the queen of night as she sails like a fair through an sea yet what is all this to me a restless ocean without an island or a shore a boundless desert with out a well of water a wide without a place of the following day mrs and her niece went at an early hour to pay their respects to the lord of the castle and not to lend her aid and advice in the arrangement of his domestic affairs and the establishment of order and comfort for she carried about with her own feelings so little of self that much of the false delicacy which is encouraged in her sex was absent from her mind thus the castle of was nothing more to her than the residence of her cousin and thus she could form plans for his entirely independent of her own we have been thinking said mrs to her son on his return from riding that you must give a public entertainment in order to establish yourself on a proper with your neighbours of all classes it is well for the rich and the poor sometimes to partake of the same hospitality in order that they may be reminded of their close alliance and mutual dependence upon each other mused for some and then replied with indifference these things i leave to the management of ladies who have ingenuity enough if that were the quality required to rule the world make of me what you please show me off as a or a monster provided i am neither required to dance on wires nor roar for the entertainment of the multitude in the mean time all went on smoothly and even cheerfully except that who seemed incapable of the feeling of trust kept continually feeding the mind of with suspicions that were foreign to his nature and which upon a character like his were c to produce the worst possible result on one unfortunate occasion a purse of sovereigns was not found in the place where it was supposed to have been deposited and cast an evil eye upon a faithful old servant of the name of who had been led ia charge with the two young by their dying father and who had loved them as his own sons impossible said the old man has been like a parent to me i would trust him with anything i have and that under any temptation the fortress of long continued confidence not being easily shaken the subject was dropped for this time but tried it again and again and that in the most and manner until ever too indolent to defend his own opinions began to give way and wearied out by the perseverance of his friend an consent was at last wrung from him that a strong box in the possession of should be opened and examined this outrage was in the absence of the | 41 |
he hated to be a the comments of the multitude he endeavoured to avoid that which must draw this calamity his bead and therefore he resigned as well as he was able to his impending fate with an air of not altogether he received his guests and if they did not feel the of which politely them the fault was not his words mrs always on the alert supplied by the and of her and what was wanting in her son faithfully performed her part with activity and and bestowed his smiles upon those who sought only a momentary gratification and this is what men call i said as he turned away from a lively group and had begun and persuading himself that no one would absence or heed it if they did he escaped through an open house that was studded all over with coloured lamps and walked forth to enjoy the calmness of a evening where is t whispered in consternation to who had taken note of his departure with that quickness of perception from which a beloved object escapes not a crowd however dense to which one individual voice is a amongst a thousand one and form when all others are obscure ii i was summoned to a short and secret council but he knew nothing of his friend and there was now no time for consultation w must do the be we can said and this determination was so supported that who had not at first been struck with her beauty returned home to pronounce miss the most charming girl h ever beheld so much is the countenance in by that genuine good humour which is founded good feeling having once escaped from the busy throng to the indulgence of his own thoughts felt little inclination to re join the company and the din of many feet with the confused sounds of music and only drove him farther from that merriment in it was so difficult for him to until at last his morbid feelings were so worked upon that he believed it for him tp return and pacing to and fro upon the lawn before the windows he gave himself up to a sort of nervous sensation which it would be ip vain to describe to those who have never been upon by and despair while surrounded by the gay the thoughtless and the happy a sensation which approaches nearer to the nature of than any other that we en in a of liberty and freedom of will a sensation which so completely the mental vision that we behold every thing through the of self torture a sensation which in the present instance almost persuaded the that he was by the contempt of his fellow creatures from all in their enjoyment that the strange who his hall were placed there as upon his private actions and that a company of had taken possession of his castle for the purpose of g a mockery of him and his wretchedness there is something selfish in the nature of melancholy that its victims invariably suppose themselves out for a peculiar fate as if the laws which the pictures op private ufe verse had been devised for their especial torture thus while the remotest idea of their own importance and themselves in the creation let them but pursue the course of their own and they will go on to tell you that they are treated as if they were nobody trampled upon by their fellow men their kindness returned with ingratitude their trust betrayed their affections abused in all their adventures disappointed in all their schemes a upon their very name and their stamped with the of destruction but they heed it not i no i they are above complaint for they despise the more deeply than they feel its injustice now do not such as these prove beyond a doubt that such individuals esteem themselves a vast deal too good for the lot that has fallen upon them that the believe their fellow creatures to be very io the dark as to their real merits that they are and by the mistake and bum with rage to revenge it and worse than all do they not secretly indulge the vain and idea that an almighty father has not extended towards them that mercy and justice which are shown in his government of the in general and thus when they complain that the course of human events is so directed as to produce upon the worst possible effects are they not by the wisdom and goodness of an creator a holy name and charging god foolishly i am like no other creature in the universe said as he paused before a sparkling fountain that sent up its silvery waters in the moon light to fall with a and monotonous sound into the clear basin below where the lights from the castle windows were glancing on its surface each of spray from these musical waters falls back again into the bosom from whence it flows shining forth for one brilliant moment and then returning to supply the parent stream the gale that whispers through the trees raising the white foliage of the mournful and making the tremble at its presence although no man whence it nor whither it hath yet its purpose and its bound appointed whether to bear along with it the scent of groves or the breath of the deadly and the silent moon so lonely and in her beauty that the and the desolate look up to her for that which they seek in vain elsewhere the moon can shed her welcome smiles upon a distant world the heart of the weary traveller as he journeys through the wilderness and lighting the mysterious pathway of the along the mighty deep it is man alone of all existing creatures | 41 |
who lives on without an object worthy of one heart ache in a thousand which his costs him and i of all men the most stand here a mere upon the surface of creation without an aim a pose or a wish these melancholy meditations were interrupted by the sound of carriages rolling up to the door to bear away their precious burdens from the scene and by a mighty effort compelled himself to before his guests in time to receive their parting the sounds of now died away upon the ear the tread of separate feet became more audible and when the apartments lately so brilliant and gay began to look cold and deserted mrs thought it high time to commence an animated attack upon her son which she did by describing in no measured terms the perplexity to which his absence had subjected her and too threw in his suspicions more expressed that many of the guests had retired at an early hour in high at the disappearance of the master of the house to say nothing of my conscience he added with a smile which you have laden with false innumerable for i was compelled to invent a story of your sudden i and force it down with all to your account mr s detail of the consequences of your absence said gravely is serious indeed the early departure of your i should hardly have called a grievance for at this hour of night it a time for the body to repose and the mind to reflect but for any one to say they have been compelled to utter a falsehood im to speak of a severe such as i am not prepared to believe we are ever subjected to in this world one of s fierce looks shot from under his contracted brow made the colour rush into the face of who not for an instant but fixing upon him her clear and beautiful eyes bold with the heart s best courage the countenance of the stranger gave way before her and he looked with restless impatience to find some object which might vary the scene and relieve his embarrassment at last he touched the harp upon which he was a skilful and played a light and lively air i am not disposed for music to night aid in a subdued tone when the of the heart are there can be no answering harmony within there was something in his voice and manner that night so mild and mournful and he had borne with such calm patience the reproaches of his mother and his friend that who from the first had felt more grieved than angry could not choose but pity him from her very soul and when the party separated she accompanied her good to him with a look which plunged him into a long deep reverie as he sat silent and alone with both his hands pressed firmly upon his forehead at last he arose as if from a dream and looked round upon the dying lamps whose varied hues a striking emblem of faded splendour of flowers fallen and withered in the heated atmosphere were drooping from the around which they had been and the silence which pervaded all things was more sad and solemn when contrasted with the merry to which it had succeeded oh exclaimed thy light step should ever walk these stately halls to remind me that my home is not a in which lie buried the fond that are said to life thy smile should still be before me to direct my journey through the wilderness thy heart should be mine and mine only to teach me that there is yet a blessing upon this barren earth a blessing even for me chapter ix although perfectly feminine la all her habits of thinking and acting was not wont to be long blinded by her affections to that clear sense of right and wrong which she endeavoured to make the strict and invariable rule of her conduct she therefore sought an early opportunity of pleading with on behalf of his old servant and though repeatedly by the unwonted severity of his manner whenever this subject was touched upon she returned to it again with the fondly cherished hope of eventually her cousin to act with his better feelings by the most cautious and well timed upon his prejudices she had prevailed upon him to become the frequent companion of her visits to the poor and while she strove with to excite in his mind an interest in their welfare she was deeply pained and disappointed to find that her own company and converse had been the only attraction which had led him to their humble dwellings i cannot imagine the satisfaction she would observe of living in the world without becoming acquainted with the circumstances of the poor but useful classes of society by whom we are surrounded for while ignorant of the nature of their wants s pictures of private life it is impossible to take the right method of them besides since the customs of the world have denied to them the liberty of upon our society it is a duty which we owe to them to make some advances towards a better acquaintance i would say to any other woman than yourself replied that there is also something very attractive in being welcomed as the lady of the parish followed by the blessings of the poor wherever you go for my own part said with some warmth i never hear the blessings of the poor without shame and remorse that i have not done more to deserve them nor can i suppose any one gratified by such incense unless they are vain nor entitled to receive it unless they have obeyed the which we regard too little of selling all giving to the poor but see said she pausing and looking towards the sea | 41 |
ground where she and her was by the villagers towards the close of day and the name of was used to frighten children into silence all the information on this subject which could depend upon she communicated to her cousin on the following day but his resolution was taken a lodge at the entrance of park was vacant and and her crippled boy were to become its future occupants his lately kindled zeal to do good was however a little by the manner in which his proposition was received by the woman herself leaving it doubtful whether she would eventually accept his offer or not but her on the score of past injuries having her temper the keys were left in her hands and one moonlight night not long after she bade adieu to the sea shore and gathering up from hiding places her store of provisions which amounted altogether to a more plentiful board than might be found in many houses she bestowed them carefully in the lodge and was seen the next morning dragging his limbs across the road to throw open the park gates for his master s carriage you see said with triumph in his looks that i am not quite so pictures of private life indifferent to the of the destitute as you have supposed replied his cousin it is the greatest trial of my life to think differently from you on matters of importance and yet how am i compelled to blame what you esteem your best actions so little are our feelings influenced by the same rule it is a stem duty that you impose upon yourself for it seems to extend to every thing i have the misfortune to say or do but come let me hear what objections you have to bring forward against my protecting this poor woman i have no objection certainly to your protecting her for no one could be more desolate and forlorn but that she should be out to fill a place of respectability and trust is in my opinion a bad precedent to others her past conduct which i believe to have been very ought not to be regarded too severely if there were any evidence of an of character but i think you will hardly persuade even that her present behaviour and conversation her to be a person worthy of confidence and respect in this case however as well as in all others you have unquestionably a right to act as you judge best and as the thing is done i will trouble you no more about the consequences perhaps i intrude too with my quaint opinions upon your sphere of action dear interrupted when did i receive your with impatience when did i conceal anything from you when did i shrink from your never replied you are very good to bear with me as you do the reason why i wished to re assure myself of your forbearance was because i had another subject to lay before your attention in a way that i feel convinced will be most pour on i can endure with regard to your old servant i have never yet spoken so fully and decidedly as i i in my conscience that i ought s brow lowered but went on i hear that the lost money was found in a situation where it must unquestionably have been placed by your own hand it was replied then let me ask my dear cousin why justice has not been done to the poor injured man he has been informed that the mistake was discovered and of course might use any means he thought proper for the re establishment of his character i should have thought that the individual who committed the wrong would have been the one to look to for the re establishment of that character especially as he holds a high and influential station in the world while the injured man is poor and almost without a friend tour conduct in this instance reminds me of what i have heard stated that whenever an act of moral injustice is committed the is the last to be reconciled to the injured party as if he were the person who had something to forgive i have at different times sent him considerable sums of money au which have been returned you must have known that the wounds of a noble spirit were not to be healed by money then you propose as an for the past that i should call together all my and placing in the midst should address him in a melting speech and when all hearts were and all faces drowned in tears should kneel down and receive his pardon and his blessing this would be a scene to your taste much more than to mine said his cousin looking more grave than before i am not prepared to answer you with on such a subject as this you and i stand in a serious relation towards each other we have had occasion to speak of the propriety the utility and the wisdom of different things but i feel it my duty in this instance to appeal to ic higher test and to ask whether you are acting with the will of god whether you do not feel it impossible to ofi er up your secret prayers while this load is upon your soul and whether a proper humiliation before the throne of mercy would not enable you cheerfully and promptly to discharge this important duty you have chosen the right word replied for it is under a system of perpetual that you hope to wear me down to what i ought to be but your method will not you may what you cannot subdue and where is the humiliation even before mankind of acting nobly no one to call himself we are all liable to and is not an error freely and fully acknowledged infinitely | 41 |
less degrading than one which is persisted in i cannot oblige you in this instance i hate to be the of a show and to hear the comments of weak upon what i may choose to say or do then try to yourself of these foolish thoughts about your fellow creatures and imagine for an instant that you are alone in the world standing before the presence of your creator deeply in an act of to his holy will are we not told that there is no act of too deep or daring to be forgiven but when did we ever hear of forgiveness while the sin was persisted in and is dot every hour that you live without doing what justice you can to this poor man a convincing proof that you prefer the gratification of a mean and pride to the noble independence of daring to do what is right then you shall do this noble deed for me you shall proclaim to my household that i have been base and ungrateful enough to heap disgrace and shame upon the head of a servant you shall tell them also that their master is too great a coward to acknowledge his fault before them that he hides himself from their very looks and the voice of a to speak for him if there is no other way of setting the matter right i will for the sake of the old man and with your permission give my own version of the case to your nor need you tremble lor the dignity of your character in my hands but this is only my last resource dear is there not something due from yourself is there not something due to her could proceed no farther the subject was too near her heart and tears of more than common anguish fell thick and fast while she bent down her head with a vain to conceal them for had unconsciously pronounced his doom and hers on this one subject her thoughts had lingered with the fond hope that if he yielded to her arguments she should then feel justified in giving way to such of the future as were perpetually forcing themselves upon her heart but if she had said to herself that very morning cannot be made to see this glaring case as i do it will be proof that in the great consideration of moral good and evil we never can be united by that of feeling which is the foundation of all human happiness for many months had been remarked upon as being more grave and thoughtful than could be accounted for by her age or circumstances but now her gravity assumed an air of sadness which her at the cause endeavoured by the most delicate attentions to soothe and perceiving her kind wishes succeeded in forcing herself to converse and smile with a cheerfulness which repaid mrs for all her solicitude still her energy gave way her health declined the colour faded from her cheek and who seldom observed the of common life could not with all his incredulity blind himself to the conviction that he was or had been deeply and tenderly beloved but that any woman should refuse from principle the man who would otherwise have been her choice was to him so far beyond belief that he bestowed little regard k pictures of private life upon their frequent difference of opinion so long as he could enjoy such clear and evidence of his cousin s attachment to him for her sadness he could no cause but strove to her secret cares by more than kindness and solicitude until was often compelled to depart abruptly from his presence with tears that were altogether inexplicable to him in this manner time glided away and on a bright and morning when autumn had again spread her yellow curtain over the face of nature begged her cousin would accompany her on a visit to a poor man whom she had promised to see that morning they walked together to the door of the cottage where at the request of his cousin placed himself on a low bench within a sort of porch while she entered an inner apartment in which the object of her kind interest was seated by the fire it was a well known voice that bade her welcome in tones of the most gladness and after asking many questions about the health and comfort of the invalid sat down beside old who affectionately took her hand and pressed it closely with his time worn fingers you see i grow weaker every day said he without the least s of regret either in his countenance or voice i do indeed perceive an alteration said and the old man went on i have been thinking to day miss that pride has been all along my sin pride in a good name and though he who robbed me of mine ought certainly to have known me better i have no doubt but this affliction was permitted to fall upon me in order that i might arrive at a better knowledge of my own heart for is a searching thing and we sometimes learn in what we never so much as thought of while all went well with us it was wrong very wrong in me miss to rebel as i did against the stroke and when i said in my towering pride that i forgave him i felt an triumph in the thought that i was coals of fire upon his head but now i see differently i see that he was in error but we are all liable to i can now say indeed that i forgive him from my soul and only wish that i could see his face and see it once more looking kindly on me before i die perhaps he will visit you said i wish he would sighed the | 41 |
old man and he went on recalling the pleasant when was a boy and walter dear walter where is he felt almost ashamed of the little information she could give about her cousin walter and rising from her seat with an affectionate farewell to her poor rejoined who was turning over the leaves of a book with all the noble affectation of being totally unmoved by what he must have heard said he sternly as soon as they had left the cottage i did not expect from you i did not anticipate the risk of being betrayed into a scene henceforth you must perform your errands of charity alone be it so said and she felt that another link was broken from the chain which had once bound them together be it so she repeated but do not be with me to day is there any charm in this day more ham another that i should not enjoy the liberty of speaking what i think and feel speak but speak gently for it was on this day twelve months ago that i agreed upon that time for the decision of my future fate and to morrow we shall stand in a relation towards each other said no more for there was something in the firm and mournful tone of her voice which connected with her previous sadness had startled his philosophy and plunged him into the most gloomy and they arrived again at mrs s door without either of them having relieved their minds of the heaviest burden they had ever borne it happened that mrs had an engagement from home that in s y of which and his cousin were alone to extract what happiness they could from such an interview in vain did attempt to converse on common topics it seemed as if her very speech had failed her for when she would have made some observation the words died away upon her lips and alone were left to tell their meaning perhaps the very meaning she would least have wished to reveal at last encouraged by her embarrassment took her hand and said with a look which his words then it is your intention to me say rather that you me she replied for no other words can justify the anguish of this moment i why dear should you endure that anguish which is so entirely self imposed v you mistake me the suffering which i endure is not self imposed you think of me indeed if you think that i am merely because i cannot be the companion of your future life you may find many better qualified to supply my place nor am i so romantic as to think that i shall never love again but you must know little of the strength of early and long cherished affection if you do not understand the agony of seeing it thus mournfully cast away you cannot call it cast away when it is as the greatest blessing of my life did i not ten you that my resolution was fixed did i not allow you twelve months before i should act upon that resolution and what is the result that i am the same branch i was then but am i for my own desolation is it for me to give showers and sunshine or to put forth blossoms and fruit without the blessing of heaven t the blessings of heaven are so mysteriously by that wisdom which not and that mercy which cannot fail tiiat man in his narrow sphere of knowledge is unable to say whether in possession or they are most bestowed but i cannot argue with you to night we should but trace the same circle of ideas through which we have passed so many times with so little satisfaction all i can now feel all i can now say is that you and i must henceforth be to each other friends and friends only you cannot mean it said starting you cannot be so cruel perhaps you think i cannot be so firm but i will prove my words only you must come to me in your seasons of affliction you must come to me always for those services which you cannot ask of another you must come to me for every thing but that intimate communion of feeling which you and i must now endeavour to find elsewhere was at last convinced and pacing to and fro in the apartment he resigned himself entirely to despair at last he stopped suddenly and fixing his eyes upon the face of who was now pale and silent as a marble statue he appealed for the last time to her love and pity then you leave me for ever said he in a voice whose piercing tones were mingled both with anguish and reproach you the lamp of the traveller you tear away the last rose firom the withered wreath you dash down the cup of healing from the lips of him who has no other you will go forth into the world with a thousand sources of enjoyment of which i know nothing the hearts and the homes of the happy are ever open to receive you the smiles of the good and the blessings of the poor await you on every hand but for me there is now neither love hope nor consolation in the wide wilderness of life he ceased and made no reply she had grown still paler while he was speaking her very lips had lost their colour with a gentle but determined step she passed away from his presence and pictures of private life chapter x it was late on the following day when made hie appearance with a message from stating that he was under the necessity of going to london for a few days and having many arrangements to make before setting out had his friend with his | 41 |
to the ladies no one observed mrs with the air of one who pays a compliment could be better calculated to take off the pain of a adieu bowed scarcely knowing whether he was flattered or not but it the best policy to appear so who knew little of the world and had never disappointed a lover before felt anxious and alarmed when she heard of her cousin s abrupt departure half fearing he might rush upon some desperate act that would his safety and happiness and vainly wishing th at he had but left her one line to explain his intentions she retired to her own room to in secret upon that cruel separation which had deprived her of all right to into his private actions there was besides another subject of serious importance which now occupied her deep and earnest consideration nor was it long the hour of night that she shook off her meditations and prepared herself for repose but the clear brow reflected in the mirror by the light of a fading lamp wore that night an aspect more calm than it had done for many months before and her countenance though pale and thoughtful was stamped with the firm and character of a well supported resolution the next morning she sought an interview with her aunt before the cares or occupations of the day should have dissipated her thoughts and with calm voice and collected manner she spoke of the necessity there was for her to seek some other place of abode where her mind might be more at peace you know dear said she that i am not to sentimental melancholy nor would i indulge my feelings at the expense of duty i have no fear of being betrayed into a weakness inconsistent with my present purpose but i do fear for my health and the of my spirits which i would gladly preserve for future useful m ness mrs startled by this unexpected proposal into something more than her tenderness with tears her niece to think well before she decided i have thought and i hope thought well replied for i become more and more confirmed in my decision and that not on my own account alone and what shall we do without you dear and i together and where will you go that is the most serious part of the matter for you know i am poor but surely we may hear of some kind lady who wants an humble friend as an agreeable companion i could hardly offer myself at present no no you must not think of it neither nor walter would forgive me should i give my sanction to such a scheme ah i you have named the right person exclaimed a friend in the hour of need has my cousin walter ever been to me and if he can be brought to approve my plan he will soon see it executed and taking a pen she sat down to explain the case as well as she could without touching harshly upon the faults of for nothing else she thought but a clear and simple statement could enable walter to judge of the propriety of her plan mrs had permitted her niece to write with full confidence that her son would put an immediate stop to her intended proceedings what then was her surprise when she herself received an answer of post to the following effect that walter highly of his cousin s intentions had applied on the instant to lady a distant relative of his mother s whose delicate health and pe i habits her for taking that place in society which her character and manners were fitted to adorn that his proposal was embraced and that he should return with his brother for the purpose of accompanying to town the prospect of so soon beholding her son almost reconciled mrs to the idea of losing a companion who since the real cares and of life had established a closer intimacy between them had been to her most dear and valuable and still at intervals her tears would flow upon the thought how soon these treasures would both be gone and what shall i do she would then say to the of poor but she never gave way to this kind of without regret for there came across the countenance of such a look of distress as made her each time determine that she would be wiser for the future so sad it is to hear the name of one we love connected with tones of tenderness and pity for the very pain that we ourselves have inflicted it was a great relief to all parties when the cheerful face of walter again appeared at whether he busied himself with the many alterations and improvements at the castle which his brother allowed him to set or entered with an interest peculiar to kind and social characters into his mother s sphere of domestic comfort at but chiefly to as she then was his social and open manner accompanied by the most delicate respect for her feelings shown in a tenderness that was less expressed than understood were more welcome for the extreme need she now felt of such sympathy and support let none who would add to the happiness of their fellow creatures be above those little attentions from which the proud and the selfish excuse themselves by saying they are too trifling for their regard is not human life made up of trifles and what being possessed in any degree of of feeling has not been soothed by kind attentions or pained by the want of them no despise them as we will it is the impulse of nature which us to recall the little services of our absent friends as the dearest of their who has not felt himself perhaps it would be wiser to say herself as it were in a land of strangers when | 41 |
surrounded only by those who paying no regard to her individual tastes and feelings in the minute circumstances of life perpetually crossed her inclination and upon her prejudices by addressing her on topics the most her of which she could make no use helping her to food which she was not in the habit of proposing for which her health was entirely choosing for her for which she had no relish and thus upon her the greatest of life without the least idea that she was not made happy and we some of us well know that there have been those so stripped so destitute of all human sympathy that a voice in the multitude amongst whom they believed themselves to be alone suddenly touching their individual feelings by some reference however simple to things which they had sought or approved or rejected in former has filled their eyes with tears and their hearts with gratitude that any one should be remembering them at the time when they felt themselves most and forlorn lady had charged walter if possible to take his cousin back with him promising that nothing should be wanting to make her residence in town agreeable and that she be treated with the greatest liberality as money was no object with her this lady was bom in india where at a very early age she married sir william her senior by thirty years at whose death she was led in the possession of more wealth than wisdom to enjoy it she had been the mother of several children who had died in infancy all except one daughter sent over soon after her birth to benefit by ll pictures op private life the air of scotland amongst her father s relations whether from a want of felicity in her matrimonial connection or from a combination of circumstances which attended the formation of her character the unfortunate mother had suffered a amiable temper to become completely an l having at the same time given way to a general of her fellow creatures she had consequently few friends in india to regret her departure for england and still fewer to welcome her to the shores of that country where she now her sad and isolated existence without the energy or even the desire to make it more happy by being more active and useful companions she had tried in numbers almost incredible but in her opinion they had all treated her some and she had parted from every one with mutual dislike she was now entirely alone a situation of all others the most dreadful to her and from walter s description of his cousin she caught at the proposition with such that she considered herself extremely when informed that she must a few weeks before could possibly appear in town the appointed day however came at last and weary and somewhat from a coach with her cousin walter who wished for the first time in his life that he could have driven her up to the door in his own carriage if only to inspire the with a little more respect for her who in his opinion deserved the richest honours of an admiring world lady was a handsome woman of that indescribable age about which you feel sorry that any one should make exact dark indolent and perfectly in all her habits to have appeared entirely in character she should have worn a crimson or yellow and slaves should have been crouching at her feet or her with the gorgeous feathers of some indian bird as it was the and the slaves alone were wanting for she on a couch with all the luxurious of a more sunny and her apartment was furnished with a degree of costly elegance that would scarcely have a tier dark eyes half hid beneath their languid and long shadowy lashes were slowly raised on the entrance of and she stretched forth a delicate white hand that dropped by her side after her effort to perform a welcome as if weighed down with its burden of rings and glittering gems felt all that uncomfortable sensation with which we open out from the of a journey in the presence of those whose has been more recent and who appear never to have known the touch of vulgar dust she therefore begged permission as soon as walter had departed to retire at an early hour her lodging room that of a woman s comfort was prepared with the greatest taste and elegance so that she almost dreaded to her simple wardrobe in such charmed but weariness does much to overcome the influence of finery and though the visions which flitted before her mind as she tossed upon the bed which vainly invited her to repose were many and strange her thoughts were at lest composed and settled for she had not applied in vain to the fountain of all consolation whose healing waters were ever ready for her utmost need one great difficulty amongst many which attend what is called a is the doubt about the actual occupations of the day which every one must feel at first from not knowing what is expected what will please or what will disappoint nor can any thing be altogether more pitiable than the fate of her who goes forth into the world to be agreeable for hire she may possibly have been tenderly in a pleasant home her wishes gratified her tastes er feelings indulged the idol of a partial circle to which her very have her but the stroke of has fallen her father s are suddenly reduced or his life the of his family is taken away and with either of these sad events and the breaking up of the whole establishment have come the usual falling away of summer friends the settlement of the sons in trade and the daughters in the | 41 |
one individual whom we have out may have besides her own secret sorrows strange comments upon her character which none dared utter before the cold treatment of a friend a lover in short the breaking in of the floods of upon her little garden of delight but she forgets for a while her own cares in the of her family and to share the general wreck a situation is found how fortunate exclaim those who must otherwise have opened their doors to receive her a morbid invalid is in want of perpetual entertainment and the broken hearted girl must bid adieu to her native place to every tree and and ve to all the associations of early life and the tenderness of close relationship with probably the refinement of those amongst whom her lot is cast she goes to dwell in a land of strangers where she must have neither hopes passions nor which may not be made to the purpose of pleasing her who feels whenever her spirits begin to flag that she is not receiving the worth of the money which she pays for her companion to keep her in good humour men may that they have to labour with head and hand to obtain their daily bread and dreadful indeed is the into which absolute men of business are plunged to the intellectual faculties and oppressive to the spirit that would gladly flee away and be at rest but men have their hearts their passions their feelings to themselves they have only to calculate and look for money while women are for their powers of pleasing of loving serving and for others m short for just what it is impossible that money should purchase for the flowers of existence that life only when they grow deal then gently with your sisters ye who possess the power to buy amusement and remember that she from whom you are perpetually demanding sympathy has once enjoyed and still may want that sympathy herself that the from whence you would draw gratification must sometimes need supply and that the lamp from which you would borrow light may not always have the blessed oil to spare had none of these gloomy associations to her present lot her choice had been a voluntary one made in the same spirit in which we apply a wholesome but and as such she had no disposition to murmur at the duties which consequently fell upon her these duties were certainly of a very mysterious character but a willing mind can mostly find employment sufficient even for an able hand a careless observer would have pronounced lady to be the victim of morbid sensibility soon discovered that selfishness was the root of her malady the that clenched her feelings in its leaden grasp and the demon which guarded them against the entrance of any good still she was a lovely woman possessed of many graces both natural and acquired and her entire helplessness the of habits long indulged rendered her an object rather of pity than dislike all the mental powers which could command concentrated and directed to one purpose were unable for some time to devise any mode of acting likely to be serviceable in such a case but the which she made was of the greatest possible benefit to herself drawing away her thoughts from the tree of forbidden fruit and feeding them with safe and wholesome at her first into office she was with enormous of keys for lady was tormented with the idea that her worldly substance was perpetually prayed upon by thieves and as she had too little t pictures op private life make herself acquainted with the real value and extent of her household possessions and trusted no one it was impossible that her mistake should be one thing i must beg of your said a few days residence beneath the same roof had strengthened her courage to speak freely that i may be treated with confidence if we hold ourselves all falsehood and i believe we shall be as little inclined to suspect those with whom we associate as to associate with those whom we suspect if your is really unable to trust me entirely in your domestic affairs i am sorry for it not only because i shall then be reduced to the inconvenience of choosing another situation but because i shall be convinced that you can never know what it is to possess a real friend lady looked astonished a little angry and a great deal more alarmed whether her house was really about to be turned out of the windows she could not tell but certainly none of her companions had ever spoken to her in this style before and judging from present appearances it but too probable that if her house should go she would go along with it a companion p she repeated to herself but finding that waited for an answer she replied at last that she had certainly no reason to doubt the sincerity of miss and in this humour the two ladies sat together without interruption during the rest of the morning for lady never went out except on the day saw nobody and partook of no amusement but that which has been as the choice of a certain poet on a couch and perpetually reading novels happy was it for her companion that no voice could travel over the magic lines with sufficient speed to keep alive her s spirits was therefore left at liberty to pursue her own thoughts and a long train of musing would doubtless have been the consequence had she not roused herself into action by reflecting that although the between lady and herself might require nothing further she had a more serious duty to perform a higher to fulfil am i my brother s keeper is an answer we are ever | 41 |
found it difficult on this occasion to be quiet and what is worse than all besides to an enraged man he had no one to reproach nothing of which he could complain for she who was the source and root of his provocation bore too sacred a name for him to it with a breath of blame and the act itself though humiliating in the eye of the world wore no impress but that of a noble and independent character feeling that he had no just grounds for his indignation he the society of his mother quick and freedom would neither permit him to be silent nor his of a wrong cause in this temper he had little disposition to do the honours of his house to a friend of s who at the castle that day and retiring from table at an early hour with the best apology his ingenuity could invent he took his stroll about the grounds and garden after the departure of the daylight had secured him from the observations of impertinence the same lovely picture of quiet and repose lay stretched before him in the light of a moon the same scene unchanged by the stormy passions which struggled for the empire of his heart in vain he asked for from nature who answered him in silence and beauty while his soul was a stranger to repose and he felt as if the solemn majesty of night was speaking to his troubled spirit in the language of reproach after passing to and fro wearied with his own fruitless he turned towards the door and would have entered but the sounds of mirth issuing from the dining room checked his purpose and leaning against the wall he fell again into a deep and silent reverie few persons can be so much absorbed by meditation as to be insensible to the sound of their own names and who had before been deaf to the conversation within now found that he could distinctly hear the following words spoken with that freedom and emphasis which belong to the excitement of wine bored to death my good fellow nothing but the idea that he is incapable of managing his own affairs would induce me to listen for another day to the eternal of his wrongs sufferings and sorrows but what say you of his horses his tables and his wine for these are the temptations to hold by a friend his horses are good but he never his table is more indebted to the liberality of his house keeper than himself and of what value are his to me when he never drinks in fact you never saw such a owl out of the of a church yard a slight would make him into a c s tree standing by the side of a grave but the best joke is yet to come i forgot to tell you of his pride proud m he v aye as the son ai the morning lately however he has evinced symptoms of being in love with a poor cousin whom he thought to make the lady of his castle but she entertaining some romantic notions about duty and that sort of thing would none of him but shot off to a situation in town a or of sweet i know not which leaving the broken hearted lover to sigh away his to the winds that howl around dreary castle are my horses ready for a journey said to the first domestic who appeared in the entrance hall tell i shall set off to morrow morning for the north and so saying he walked up stairs to his own apartment with a firm and determined step that startled from his evening what a pity that the which his energies had just received did not spur him on to something more important a journey he knew not whither but we measure the magnitude of our more by the cost us than by the effect they are likely to produce and thus we not the whole force of our minds in some purpose which would scarcely have required one previous thought in the well regulated conduct of a rational being the man who will not use his energies in the common of life though he may fancy himself possessed of powers which would under certain circumstances render him grand and terrific yet these circumstances never happening to occur he upon the stream of time as weak and as any other the most important test of what mankind liave agreed to by the word character is the usefulness by which a track is upon the map of life to mark out the course of a certain individual and direct posterity to the same goal could have given no better account of the purpose of his present journey in preparing for which he raised his whole household and made himself as busy i as he could be about anything than that he hoped to drive away reflection and by flying from place to place to leave himself behind and had he been asked what trace would be left of him after his death he would have answered with gloomy satisfaction a nameless tomb as if men were sent upon the earth for no more glorious purpose than that of mingling again with its dust there is nothing like travelling for the senses to sleep for the that are too keen and softening down tlie impressions that are too vivid it seems to supply a constant conductor to the feelings which are consequently relieved without an explosion we are going to s house said o the coachman who complained that one of his horses had been lame for the last three stages and would be unable to proceed much farther have never heard of any bounds to this northern expedition still muttered to himself on to the north is the only answer i get but | 41 |
i suppose the sea will stop us some time and that before long if we travel at this rate the fact was himself no fixed purpose in his journey the mighty of setting ofi had cost too much for him to be capable of again so soon and had not the lame horse decided the matter they might as have paid their respects to or rather his descendants in their family mansion the small inn at which their rapid course terminated was by no means destitute of comfort and congratulated himself on his good fortune in having escaped a was the least satisfied of any of the party horses included and when he entered the inn room fitted up for the reception of the higher class of travellers it was not with the best possible grace that he saluted a young man in the dress of a who had already obtained possession and who looked up only for a moment from the lock of hia gun about which he was busy both with head and hand his weary dogs were sleeping at full length by the fire and stirred not at the approach of who felt it rather too great an on his good humour to be compelled to endure the company of both man and dogs the gun at last being thoroughly examined and repaired began with perfect and freedom to converse on the common topics of the game and the game season let the gentleman come to the fire said he rousing his sleepy animals sad dogs these of mine sir but there s no making gentlemen of brutes can you reverse the rule said and answer as fully i fear not such a good humoured happy countenance that the gloomy felt almost ashamed of his remark and changing the subject he then told his companion the reason of his unwelcome and how much he apprehended from the of his present situation i have been thinking said that your southern habits would ill accord with the wild mountain life that we lead here nor do i know if i should ask you to go with me to my mother s house to night whether i should not be you to scenes and circumstances equally at with your taste but if you will trust yourself to the warm welcome of a home i have a good mother who will make you as happy as she can at the same time that he was half tempted to accept this invitation forced himself to decline it with many that he could not be guilty of such an intrusion guilty or not guilty said i will order your horses and if you will promise to ride a moderate pace i will be your escort through the which leads us to my mother s house by a nearer way than the public road in half an hour the travellers were welcomed at the door of a spacious and venerable hall half covered with wreaths of luxuriant ivy and over with the white stars of the rambling rose a group of happy healthy looking girls gathered round their brother casting ever and anon shy glances at the stranger who was more cordially greeted by the mother a respectable and dame but pushed on with anxious and glance as if he had not yet seen all nor half his mother s household at last exclaiming with impatience where is he was answered in a tone of regret by many voices at once that she had left home in the morning on a visit to a friend and would not return until the following day sad news is that for any guest of ours replied for good girls as you all are there is no happiness like the sight of amongst you i believe i have brought a very fine gentleman home with me he continued in a lower tone when had left the room for he travels with four horses and an fit for a prince but never mind that i dare say he will be hungry in due time as well as people and there can be no doubt about my mother s still one cannot eat always and how to entertain him is the question without now returned and really well pleased with the comfortable aspect of all things around him thanked his host most cordially for the unexpected improvement in his circumstances a plentiful was soon spread before him and mrs reminding him of his own mother in her genuine hospitality certain thoughts of home in this far off country made his heart for a moment glow with gratitude that he had found a welcome so entirely and if a man be capable of cheerfulness it will surely be when after long travelling through strange places with nothing to cheer him by the way but inn with which the poet no doubt for want of better was so well pleased he becomes unexpectedly the of genuine kindness and is plunged at once into the very centre of home comforts felt all this and along with it a transient touch of happiness that lighted up his brow and made him one of the of men what a pity is not here whispered to her brother but a sudden thought had just flashed across his mind and he did not wish for her quite as much as he had done at first weariness and excitement rendered sleep too desirable for either the stranger or the to sit up late that night l sunk to rest with a faint notion that he might possibly be happy if he lived amongst the mountains of scotland the next the name of was upon every lip again until little accustomed to be began really to in his own mind who this could be the girls could not be persuaded to walk because they expected every moment they could neither play nor because was not there to join | 41 |
them in short nothing could be accomplished or enjoyed without and who this all absorbing creature was was quite too dignified to ask had there been no hope of seeing her his curiosity might possibly have got the better of his pride but the expectations of the party now ran high and even he condescended at intervals to direct his gaze to the point of sight from whence the blessed vision was to issue she came at last a young happy looking girl mounted on a spirited pony rushed past the windows with a merry smile and a nod of recognition to her friends who answered her well known greeting with of delight is this all r said to himself a wild when i had been dreaming of of and all the other poetical but herself was now led in by who introduced her to the stranger by her christian name as if thai alone were a sufficient distinction she was indeed a beautiful with eyes which the memory never loses after they have once been seen and felt eyes of that peculiar character that to say they brown grey or would be to their pure and spiritual expression which strikes the heart with a sensation independent of the mere qualities of shape and eyes that seem not so brilliant in themselves as lighted from within by a radiance so bright as to every thing they gaze upon these eyes turned upon with more than common interest for the arrival of a stranger of distinction in that remote was an event of rare occurrence and when we connect such eyes with a form of perfect bright but varying complexion regular features and a snowy forehead half hid by a profusion of curls which the playful wind had woven into wild and fantastic wreaths there can be little wonder that such a vision of youth and beauty soon the feeling of disappointment which had begun to the brow of the ail was now changed within the hospitable home of the good humour mirth and gaiety reigned throughout every heart seemed lightened even the forgot for a while to rail against mankind in conversation was more expert than profound but the family with whom she had been tenderly were so accustomed to attach importance to her simplest words and actions that every thing she uttered seemed to have a peculiar meaning and every thing she did a grace gentle reader hast thou ever been thus cherished hast thou ever dwelt in the centre of a circle of partial admirers where thy voice was a sound commanding instant attention thy smile the awakening of joyous laughter and the expression of thy slightest wish the signal for immediate gratification where thy countenance was watched with the tender anxiety of affection where thy mere was hailed as the very soul of wit and where all thy faults were regarded as interesting peculiarities hast thou then gone forth from the genial atmosphere of this garden enclosed to learn amongst impartial strangers the real value of thy boasted to speak where no one cared to listen to smile and behold the blank faces of those who shared not in thy joy and worse than all to weep where thy tears were yet murmur not for such is the lesson we all soon or late must learn and such are amongst the painful means made use of to teach us that self is not intended as the object of our that we are each as travellers bound upon a pilgrimage at the end of which we shall have to give an account to a gracious master of the services we have rendered or neglected to our brethren by the way well may we tremble then to find that we have been only of the wine and the oil which others have unto us while we have not so much as touched their burdens with one of our fingers pictures of private life the beautiful creature upon whom gazed with increasing admiration lived like a butterfly in a bower of roses never of aught but enjoyment the evil incident to human nature had never been into action in her young heart her will had never been crossed her vanity nor her caprice and therefore she believed what every one told her that she was no less amiable than lovely amiable she must be thought the kind but friends by whom she was surrounded for she never sees a countenance with gloom but she to chase away the clouds they forgot the possibility that this might be solely for her own sake because her own gaiety was by the gloom of another with the light easy confidence of one who is with ridicule or reproof she soon commenced a spirited warfare against the of and finding herself by his grave arguments seized her and with an arch smile that but for her beauty would have been triumphant struck into a light air accompanied by the following words chapter xii said i am bent on conquest i am eighteen and have never had what the world calls a lover do you think i could a man of sense not of sense exactly but a grave man a gloomy man an oh tell not to i am and of the cold wind that and the that destroy of the hours when the of the heart are and may not be to the music of joy i know not such hours for my heart has no that win not respond the rapture of bliss my song has no echo my lips have no word to tell of a moment less happy than this i feel not i heed not the and that fan on the children of sorrow and gloom i my is a day of delight in a sunny garden of and bloom my forehead is with a so that no dark ever beneath then | 41 |
touch not my flowers too rudely nor tear one sweet scented blossom away torn my wreath and say not the tempest is howling around nor p int to the clouds that may gather but fly from my bright world where roses abound away to some lonely and desolate star just such a man as spare my she exclaimed laughing and laying across his eyes a hand so exquisitely white and beautiful that few men would have wished for its removal sat under its pressure with patience if not with philosophy and she went on mention no names but tell me what you think of my power of your beauty you will not allow me to judge nor of your good sense since i may not even guess at the object of your choice but of your power to blind i am at this instant a living witness and they say is a great help in the tender passion then i release you at once lest you should become a victim to it for it is a man of sense you know that my ambition points at thank you then i am to understand that you are serious no i am never serious but but i see that you have placed a white rose with the best possible effect amongst your hair that you have arranged your dress with more than common attention and that there is a bright sparkle in your eye that tells of anticipated triumph and what objection have you to my scheme nay you must first tell the merits of it oh a little change and tlie pleasure of laughing at a grave man all day are you so weary of us then or have you so little love and kindness shown you here that you wish to throw yourself upon the feelings of a stranger don t talk to me so gravely i will not stay to hear you i have promised to ride with mr this morning will you see that my pony is ready as her light form flitted from before the eyes of a sad thought crossed his mind more sad than the first to the spring blossoms the first frost of autumn the first cloud that passes over the moon when the midnight tempest is gathering it was the first injurious suspicion of her he loved the first idea he had ever entertained that was less noble and affectionate than he had fondly deemed her s graceful form and girlish beauty were well displayed when mounted on a spirited pony which she in with dexterity while her eyes were lighted up with animation and her luxuriant hair which possessed the rare quality of curling naturally lost none of its beauty by waving in the fresh gale of an morning delighted with the gay picture which presented such a perfect contrast to his own dark lost himself in strange visions of what some would have called happiness said he suddenly breaking the chain of reflection and starting at the idea of his own familiarity there was something in his voice which invariably commanded attention and when his fair companion turned her face he for the freedom he had used saying he had found the name of associated with so much love and happiness that he had neglected to for any other then let it be said she with the frankness if not quite with the innocence of a child it is the name i bear from all who love me and cannot be from you like all proud and reserved persons was charmed with the which spared his dignity the cost of making advances and the ride was prolonged that morning over purple heath and until the party at home began to wonder whether the english gentleman and had heard the hour appointed for dinner indeed a general prevailing over the establishment made the time seem longer to those at home than it really was the family group had seen the two set off each some secret cause of disappointment scarcely acknowledged to themselves still less to each other had ordered her pony too and knew that she loved riding as well as any one but had mentioned herself only whenever she spoke of that morning s excursion with their visitor margaret was just going to show mr her when called him back telling him it was time to set off had given up the hat she wanted herself because complained that her own was not becoming and poor had never seen any other gentleman than himself riding with before but he had nothing to complain of and therefore he took his gun whistled up his dogs patted them with more cordiality than ever and comforted himself with the love of the dumb creatures in which nobody could rival him at a late hour returned with her companion hope in her eye and triumph on her brow absorbed entirely in herself and her own gratification she acted the part too often acted by young ladies and while affecting to be so amiable as to notice everybody showed each individual too plainly how absent they had been firom her thoughts to mrs she expressed surprise and concern that dinner should have had to wait with her she asked if she had tried her pony that morning of margaret who had lately suffered from a ankle she inquired whether she had been to the brow of the hill of rose who had risen with a bad head ache why she looked so dull and when dinner was nearly over she found out with regret that was not present it is by such as these that women the ridicule of men and the malice of each other the naked exposure of selfishness and vanity which madame de has exhibited in her palace of truth is surely less disgusting than this attempt at deception which the real | 41 |
state of the case from no one but the but was so lovely so young so happy she had been so long their favourite it would be bo sad for an unkind word to reach her ear or for the breath of blame to obscure even for a moment the sunshine of her life so reasoned this us but ill judging family and then she was like an orphan too cast upon their care by a heartless and cruel mother no could not have a fault she must be loved and cherished and tenderly treated so they put the best construction they could upon all her actions and if mankind in general would have treated her as kindly she might have passed through the world like a creature in a dream but many a hard hand is stretched forth to tear away the curtain of self deception and even in her turn was compelled to look into that naked the human heart there can be no need to trace the progress of that sort of delusion which is commonly called an attachment where the vanity of each party is fed by the preference of the other and where self love is kept alive by the hope of future gratification many mornings like that lately described came and went the two were never weary of over the hill or through the winding and was as lovely each day as the preceding once only once had seen a touch of sadness on her brow she was talking of her mother and a stood on her until he wondered how it could be possible for any of her and kin up or down to the remotest branch or root of relationship to neglect to claim the of being one of s kindred this one tear with the heavy drooping of the eyelids the gentle fall of the voice and ther graceful bending of the head melted away the last link in the chain of his philosophy and he found himself by the side of a girl of eighteen to whose real character he was a comparative stranger her acknowledged lover and her future husband situation no less surprising to himself than to others all was consternation in the apartments of the fair sisters when told her of wonder it was accompanied by many fits of hysterical weeping she had no answer for the repeated question then why don t you refuse liim at once if the thought of leaving us makes you so unhappy but young ladies are not always unhappy when they weep and was well pleased at the bottom of her heart with this crisis in her affairs the letter which had produced so unexpected a revolution in the usually lady was one from her daughter announcing this important event accompanied by another from who when he found that the lady with whom resided was no other than the mother of would almost have sacrificed his new found treasure to have been excused the task of writing it but i have plunged into the gulf said he and there is no receding the gulf he repeated and shuddered as if cold waters were closing over him as soon as lady had a little recovered from the repeated fits of which on the discovery of her secret had threatened to her she endeavoured to to for her unnatural conduct by a train of ill formed excuses which to such a character as that she was addressing only made the case appear more unnatural still i was of the trouble said i felt that i had no strength no nerves to cope with the boisterous spirits of a i could not do my duty to her she was placed with the best sort of people in the world and my have been liberal and punctual she has had the first masters the most finished education while she lived in the city of and every advantage in the way of health and happiness in the country but i see you cannot forgive me you will never love me again nay do not turn away nor look so j sorrowful i would rather make you angry than make you weep dear why are you so pale t the evening is cold and i feel the draught from the door sit down me then and give me one of your long lectures you do not say a word to me now now that you find me out to be more sinful than you ever thought me before lady said rising and speaking in such a hollow mournful tone accompanied by such a look of anguish that her was awed into silence my lecture for this night shall be in a few k remember that those with whom you live may sometimes have which are altogether with yourself i do not feel like myself to night but i hope to be quite recovered in the morning and if i trouble you in this way again may i claim it as my reward that i shall never be questioned respecting my behaviour at this time lady held out her hand with tears in her eyes took it and pressed upon her forehead a kiss of saying in a low but voice my dear friend i have often prayed for you will you this ni t oft r up a petition for one who is more than yourself how spent that night will be best understood by those who have known the pressure of grief under which no earthly friend could comfort or relieve them in the morning she was able to appear as she had anticipated herself again and after hearing repeated a long list of excuses from lady she her reasoning or rather her want of reasoning with arguments which will suggest themselves too readily to the mind of every judicious or even kindly feeling woman | 41 |
a broken still not ne when are thy gentle form by bom and in will be thy cheek in many a sweet flower thy brow n when heavenly an their misty mantle and wilt not in heart sweet long to be once more among the green like a happy bird and can be dear to s heart which hath not d can in after life be worth the best lore and the then take from who lore thee a blessing on thy way a blessing on thy parting steps and on thy day and thee well one a long and sad then may st seek the wide world and and no friends more true chapter the happy couple alas that pleasant words should ever lose their original meaning by frequent the happy couple set off on their journey southward well pleased to have escaped a fit of to which he had lately discovered that was particularly liable now if there was one kind of of the human frame more to his taste than all others it was an hysterical it argued an mind an character a general of those faculties which operate to maintain self possession in short was never guilty of these considerations produced a reverie and if there was one kind of of the human frame more to the taste of than all others it was the of reverie it argued a wandering of the mind from things present which in certain c was intolerable affections or else interest or never to be awakened again and in short was a stranger to reverie arriving at these conclusions by the same process of thought and at the same instant the married pair looked at each other but spoke not they had nothing to say each wanted to be amused to receive but not to give oh the of that long journey and long indeed it seemed likely to be for neither party had a will of their own both so obliging that they would not could not choose where their travel was to end when appealed to had no wish had no wish but to gratify her and began to fear with greater reason than before that their would be terminated only by the s end in process of time however there arose such remarks as these accompanied by smiles that were not of the heart how pleasant it is observed one when persons will decide there is nothing replied the other which me so much as name any place you would like to see either in england or abroad and we will soon be there said all are alike to me you know i have seen nothing sweetly replied the bride any tour that you would have the goodness to propose would be gratifying to me i said all places were alike to me i should have made an exception of london observed with a sigh how unfortunate that london should be the very place i had set my heart upon replied and she too sighed it will be easily perceived that these two individuals had married on a wrong foundation they had each been accustomed to the constant and the frequent homage of all around them expecting and receiving their from the hands of others self was the centre around pictures of private life their separate interests with a perpetual monotony of motion and woe unto that self when the machine was not supplied from without against in london was decided and having a more determined will than his fair bride she was allowed to make another choice in consequence of which they set off to spend the winter in the south of france had consulted with her cousin walter as she did in all her when she first heard of this extraordinary match and they had agreed that let the consequences be what they might they were both from their relative circumstances highly improper persons to interfere one from pecuniary and the other from considerations of a more delicate nature the apprehensions of lady were to rest by hearing that the married pair had passed through london without allowing her an of seeing them an opportunity which walter was also well pleased to have escaped all three seemed to think a storm had happily passed over and tried to look faithful in the performance of her daily duties she went on with her routine of occupations from which nothing short of entire inability could divert her and this inability she did not allow herself to think of unless its claims were imperative lady had suffered herself to become the victim of suspicion making frequent use of that self preserving argument that as there are so many it is better not to give at all you have it is true been sometimes deceived observed in the midst of one of her often repeated attempts to extend her s but there is still sufficient and want that is and so there would be were i to give away my last behold with what a population of our streets are filled that is one of my objections to living in a large city said for do as much as we will the heart is still oppressed by the sight of spectacles of wretchedness and vice which are but too apt to weigh down that lively sense of a gracious providence which it is so desirable to bear about with us still as it is s world and not ours we may surely leave to him the government of all that is beyond the reach of our private if sources as well might the say i have and sown bat the rains have sometimes descended lo my lands i therefore cultivate my fields no more aa we withhold our hands from the because our has sometimes upon the unworthy man reasons better where he reasons in favour of his | 41 |
own interests and therefore keeping back nothing which belongs o his own department the and again trusting to to give the increase i would not willingly hear this miserable plea brought forward by any one whom i esteem because i it is generally made use of by the indolent and the to spare themselves the trouble and the expense of charity we know that there is selfishness and enough in the world to induce the to take advantage of our our knew this when he addressed the young man who had been endeavouring to justify himself by the fulfilment of many duties in these clear and imperative words sell all and give to the poor and whatever may be the of mankind it remains no less incumbent upon us to our with the but at the same time to spare no pains so to our that it may flow in the channels most likely to lead to good after all we are but blind and feeble instruments and may sometimes defeat our own purposes but if we have done our little part according to the best of our judgment and if we have done it with perseverance patience humility and prayer we shall be happier than those can ever be who remain in the field of labour neither scattering seed in due season nor in time of harvest a greater proof could scarcely have been given of the natural goodness of temper and disposition which lady possessed than her to hear the truth from however humiliating it might be she had long been dissatisfied with every thing around her secretly root of the evil to be in herself and so weary of life under existing that she would almost have caught at any thing that held out a hope of change harassed with such feelings she was the more to listen to what she called the long lectures of her companion especially as never failed to accompany even her comments by every kind attention and proof of tender attachment which arose from the genuine impulse of her affectionate heart while contemplating the character of lady over which long indulgence of injurious habits had obtained a lamentable it is true was at times but too much inclined to despair but checking all calculations about the future she went on with her duties cheered by the reflection that while man is but required to use such means as are placed in his power with god all things are possible and that whatever end he may to our labours he has bestowed upon the service that is willingly and faithfully performed a blessing which never yet was known to fail it may be so ordered she would sometimes say to herself that i shall see this interesting woman grow still more useless and unhappy shall i therefore look up to my heavenly father and say i behold no fruit of my labours i will cease from the task which thou hast appointed me v no not so long as his glorious sun shines over me his blessings fall upon my path and the strength of his gracious arm me i disappointed in not finding that interest and excitement which one of the party at least had anticipated in the novelty of travelling and his fair bride settled themselves down for a while in an old which happened to strike their attention from its beautiful and picturesque situation here they again sat in waiting for amusement that capricious who seldom comes when especially invited but to glide in and out at pleasure amongst the scenes of life sometimes her lace where it is least better always making herself the most welcome as well as the most frequent guest where the room is with occupants of more importance and she is not expected to take the chief seat was no less surprised than grieved to find that had not brought her good spirits her look and merry from scotland with her he had overlooked the impossibility of along with the beautiful flower the genial atmosphere in which its early bloom had been ed and poor felt as if she had now nothing in the wide world to for self had hitherto been her object but when that object was to on every hand watched admired and with the tenderest care self love was a very different thing from what it now was dwelling alone and supporting without aid its solitary existence she was then like the queen of a garden of roses fairest of the now a lone flower its head in the midst of the desert with no beauty to reflect its own constantly supplied with all that love and kindness could she had never done anything in her turn to discharge the debt but sometimes to raise a laugh or join a song or play a lively air she had now no other resources upon which to draw and these were no sooner tried than given up as hopeless for the merry tones of her voice died away with no response but the wild echoes of a mansion the mournful songs she had been used to sing brought tears into her eyes and was unable to endure the sound of lively music on one occasion he detected her in tears and when she complained to him with her natural pictures of private life frankness that she was not happy he answered her with bitter over his own inability to make her so my love said he wherever it falls i am the indian tree beneath which the birds that have flown for lie dead i a was terrified let us return to england said she and set off on the morrow had few agreeable connected with the idea of returning the world was all alike him whether at home or abroad he expected no happy faces to look out for his arrival and when threw open the park gate without | 41 |
one glance into the carriage he placed the rude indifference of this ungrateful woman to the account of human nature and the whole race with felt more in her proper element although that element was a new one as the mistress of the noble dwelling which the good taste of mrs and had invested with an air of comfort as well as elegance for s worthy mother as the first kind looking person she had met with for a long time she gave way to a sudden burst of almost childish affection which mrs from being unable to comprehend anything for affectation did not receive so warmly as she otherwise would have done and the yoimg heart of the stranger was chilled again said she day after a passionate burst of tears addressing a domestic who had accompanied her from scotland and whom for that reason she chose to have usually about her person what shall i do for somebody to love me suppose you were to try to love somebody yourself replied the woman i do love somebody i love my husband i i should hardly have thought that why not because if i must be so bold i thought that along with love there went a great deal of kindness and g to please and that sort of thing would find you employment and keep you alive in this dull place and make ail n quite tb you struck with what woman said remained musing fi r some after upon the possibility of making her present lot more during the her had been o er ike leaves of her and when awoke to a sense of er real observed that the lines had added to her away away i thee not ten me no i pity thy lot no ear to to thy wail weep not thy are ike rate that upon a i pay not will not weep again my ate my team are on some brow more calm then on some thy i have no joy no thine no love to love not the harp i will mt hear one tone that of former to the that murmur near pour on the thy charmed where is my heart go ask the wind that through yon ruined tower if e er its piercing search can find the hearth thai d in no lost is every trace of mirth and hush d is every sound the very breeze which d that hearth hath strewn its ashes o er the ground but he glorious beams of day shine brightly on the castle wall on worn and grey the silver streams of moonlight fresh glittering ivy a wreath of beauty round its brow the ruin stands beneath cold as am now these verses were in s hand writing no no said the case it hopeless and she covered her face with both her hands and into an agony of tears men may drag on without an object women hardly can for tbey have the activity of feeling as well as thought to keep down was capable of loving but altogether ignorant of the duties which belong to love and without which the tenderest love of the object is worth nothing for it has so pleased the of human affairs that every by which the chain of fellowship is held together should have its relative duties friendship has many too many for the of mankind to fulfil but love has more and the woman who expects to retain her husband s affections by merely loving him will find herself as much mistake as if she had calculated upon maintaining her life by the mere act of breathing light the creature of impulse tossed about by every sudden and varying emotion it was impossible for to understand the character of and the mystery which to her involved his habits and feelings rendered him in time an object of vague and unaccountable fear so that she felt more disturbed in his presence than lonely in his absence with head heart and hand equally she at length became subject to fits of which were only broken in upon by occasional visits of kindness from mrs these visits however were productive of little gratification on ther side for never since their first interview had been herself in the presence of her mother in law who in her turn was unable to understand the pretty idle wife her son had brought with him apparently without any motive but that of her in his castle for his own happiness was evidently not increased and his frequent absence from her society and neglect when present rendered her an object of compassion even to strangers in this way the domestic affairs of went on or rather remained until a change was perceptible in the behaviour of which the rejoiced in as a proof that she was beginning to feel more at home but always shook her head at their congratulations and started when she heard the of wild which her mistress amused herself with singing alone perceived no change except what he thought a slight improvement in her spirits he had however been compelled to see that when he left his room would be hovering as if she sought an opportunity of speaking with him privately on some subject evidently not of immediate import or she would have spoken sooner at last he was tired of meeting her meaning looks and asked if she wanted to speak with him after that the doors ground them were closed stepped up so close to his ear that he thought it best to retreat into his private room in order to avoid the necessity of a nearer approach felt at liberty to speak but liberty seemed to be all that she had gained for no words for some time passed her line i wanted to know sir said she if i am not making too bold | 41 |
if you have ever go on i wished to know sir if you had any thing particular about my lady s manner lately your lady s manners are not to be talked over by her servants what do you mean i said manner if you please sir and that as i take it means something different but dear me sir you must not be too nice about words now and the good woman wiped her eyes with her apron what can you mean i believe your lady is in excellent health and her spirits have certainly been better lately better do you call it oh sir it s the nerves she told me it was all nerves and when she used to go on so strangely in france while you were out of the way i wish we were back again in scotland and sobbed aloud pictures op private life your meaning plainly my od woman said kindly and tell me the worst well then i have great reason to believe that my dear young mistress is losing her senses leave me alone said in an altered tone and the woman went her way chapter xiv it was indeed as the simple hearted had suspected the reasoning faculties of never having been subjected to the slightest discipline had given way under the total change which had taken place in her habits and circumstances it is impossible to say how much the progress of this malady might have been by constitutional tendency but certainly nothing could have been more to such a character than the life she had lately led had no other resource under this affliction than to shut himself up and brood over the which as he believed attended him through every of life while mrs wrote to her niece urging her if possible to come down immediately what can be the matter exclaimed lady observing the pale and countenance of as she read the letter is it of that you learn tidings the terrified lady continued for she was in constant anticipation of a day of for her neglect said let me hear the worst tell me if my daughter is dead she is not dead but now if ever her mother is called upon to show her sense of the holy duties which belong to that sacred name she is ill then but you know i cannot nurse her it is impossible dear lady i have received a request from my aunt which i cannot refuse to with i am under the necessity of leaving town immediately let me entreat you to say that you will go along with me if my daughter is really ill i should add to the trouble of the household do you think there is danger not of death then why should you urge my going t i can be of no possible service to her still i cannot will not leave you go with me for your own sake if not for the sake of your child but you tell me she is not in danger it would be wiser for me to wait until she her usual health for our first interview must be a painful and one lady there are other besides death you have learned many things lately have you learned how to bear to hear the truth speak on may he who alone can support us in our utmost need you for the trial when i tell you that your daughter has lately evinced symptoms of an unsettled state of mind which have greatly alarmed those around her lady arose from the couch on which she had been more like a than a living woman it was her father s malady said she in a firm voice i will go with you the shock which in her heart believed her friend was capable of bearing and bearing well had produced the desired effect but so strange to the character of lady was the manner which accompanied her sudden resolution that desirous of some protection and support pressed her cousin walter to accompany them in their melancholy journey few words were spoken by the way and when the carriage passed through the avenue of elms felt as if the weight of present sorrow had almost the past in my own wisdom said she i should have chosen this affliction for any one rather than but well is it for us that we are not left to choose either for ourselves or others it would be an office observed walter to choose for our fellow creatures and he sighed to think how probable it was that would have chosen for him not only his brother s affliction but his wife mrs was at the door waiting to receive the mournful party and forced himself to appear immediately after they had alighted well knowing that every moment of delay and expectation would add difficulty to the effort there was no change in his countenance it was always sad enough for sorrow and a stranger would not have known that fresh floods had recently been added to the tide of his lady for the first time in her life forgot herself at least she forgot all those little personal sufferings and with which she was wont to annoy and be annoyed but her heart was too much subdued by remorse to allow her to take any interest in the scenes or circumstances around her while the company were thus collected pondering upon the best means of acting or remaining the door was thrown open and the object of their intense solicitude stood before them she was dressed with elegance if not with studied care her beautiful hair which she persisted in wearing short and waving in rich profusion over her forehead and temples while her eyes rendered doubly brilliant by the unnatural excitement of her mind flashed and wandered from one | 41 |
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