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I am almost exclusively attracted to Asian guys and I feel guilty for it
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I'll start this post by saying I'm a white American man in my early 20s, and almost every guy who I fall for is Asian.
I don't have an answer for why, other than I find Asian features attractive and am fascinated with the cultures and languages from all over the continent, from India to Vietnam and China. I feel a deep guilt for this however, as I wonder if I am fetishizing race. I don't mean to make others uncomfortable or to objectify other people, but I'm afraid that it could be interpreted otherwise. It is hard to understand where to draw the line between a preference and a fetish though, which is why I felt the need to post here and hear some outside opinions. I'm afraid of bringing this up with other people because I am afraid I will be called a freak.
This preference has locked me out of a lot of potential partners which is also a major source of frustration. The guys who swipe right on me on Tinder are almost always white like me, but I just for the life of me cannot be compelled to feel attraction to them in the same way I feel it towards Asian men. I really wish it weren't this way.
| 1 |
I’m getting so sick of my fiancé telling me to just go to the gym for all of my body problems
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I’d just like to start this off by saying, no I don’t hate my fiancé, me and him have an amazing relationship and are actually getting married in a few days. This is just one of those things that tick me off, ya know? And no I’m not morbidly obese, I’m actually teetering between being the recommended weight for my height and being underweight.
I’m currently 6’1 151lbs and built like a stick. Size C boobs 26 bust size 4 waist. but my body fluctuates in weight regularly. Anywhere from 140-155lbs typically. The most I’ve ever weighed was 163 and the least I’ve ever weighed was 137.
But it seems like anytime I get into the high numbers and I notice pudge appearing on my stomach I get very self conscious, and with me struggling with an eating disorder for most of my life it effects my mental health beyond repair. And I’ve always had a STUPIDLY fast metabolism, no joke for 4 weeks straight I would eat 2 little Cesar pizzas almost everyday to try and pack on more weight so I can hit the gym and put on some mass in the hips glutes and thighs. But it never worked…I’d be lucky to gain 4lbs in a month of eating like shit.
So when I compare myself to Doja cat for example (this woman has one of the most stunning figures to me) I’d get a response from him ranging between “well baby if you hit the gym and pack on some weight you can do it no problem!” To “honestly it wouldn’t be hard for you to do with a regular routine.” Which in general aren’t horrible responses however….when I attempt to explain that I’ve tried doing so it leads to him saying “well not well enough I guess I don’t know. I’m just explaining basic biology, you can do it if you tried.” And it just irks the hell out of me. Because IM LEGITIMATELY TELLING YOU WHAT DOSE AND DOSENT WORK FOR MY BODY!!!!!
And no she doesn’t say these things to be degrading or to be discouraging or disrespectful…I suppose she just doesn’t understand that I’d prefer comfort over solutions when speaking on my body. Because I’ve tried and it won’t work no matter how much my calorie intake is, Or how hard I’m hitting the gym. (3-4hrs was my regular).
So I’ve started bringing up the option of looking into surgery and she’ll say “hon you don’t need surgery you look good. And besides surgery is the easy way out.” Which sends me. I’m just trying to be comfortable in my own body…and I’d rather not be shamed for it.
Please to anyone reading this if your a gym shark too, don’t leave any dieting tips or gym routines below…but that all from me I guess.
| 1 |
razor blade
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so one time from school i have cut open a razor blade right and i was proud of it idk why so i showed it to a 9 yr old, and she said cut you skin with it so i said sure and i did, she said “did that hurt?” and i said “no” and i was like please never do this and then behind my back she took the blade out of my pocket and she cut her self with it, and i was like “NO” and took it away from her. mind you this was 10 months ago and i still feel guilty about this to this day and i feel like i taught her self harm, even thought she has no idea what it is. can someone help me stop worrying about it/ help me?
| 1 |
Words that I will want to share but never will.
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The last thing I want to do is weigh you down. I want to see you soar, forever and ever. Yes, you are precious to me. Every moment we've shared, a teardrop glittering in the cobweb of our time together, bound to fade away as out futures race forward. It's true, I have feelings for you, for longer than you could possibly realize. I have long thought about the regret and guilt I would have if I kept them bottled in forever, to let our paths diverge organically, to let go so you can shine unhinged. But I have no other option.
There's no indication that you even return these feelings. But I know that there's a rose of warmth between us. I know the way time seems to slow down just for us both in the rare instances our paths crossed, the way everything feels right when we're side by side. I realize the rarity of this and that I will never be able to retrieve the one in a million ecstasy from anything else in life.
But more important to me is your joy, your happiness. I want to fall down on one knee and beg for a tomorrow together, so we can hold hands and learn more about each other. I want to look into the starry map of your life and understand it all, drink in the splendid and complex beauty of all you are. But I realize that you deserve so much better.
I don't understand why I care for you so much, but it happened. We met. and I have been hopelessly moved by you ever since. I have, in the process, doubted myself so much. But I have felt the sweetest pleasure in being a part of your life. In sharing my life and laces of my universe with you. In telling you I believed in you and offering you messages from the depths of my soul in the subtlest of ways.
And now I see you ascending, and it blows me away. Your dedication, your hard work, your tenacity, all of it. I love you for never giving up, for aiming above and beyond, and yet, I pray you will always take care, just as you tell others to do so. Make sure you're getting enough sleep, that you're not tearing yourself apart. Make sure to remember you're human every once in a while. Because more than the tenacity and hard work, I love you for you. I love your sweet, delicate laugh and the mischief crinkled beneath those still and seeing eyes.
I love the way you see everything geometrically and intersecting together. I love how you always wait, always patiently reach into the expanse, knowing that there is always more to the story. I love you for giving me a chance to be a friend and doing it so rationally, so cautiously, so vulnerably. You're so very human and embody being human in its lowest and most divine elements. You've taught me so much about life and I'm still digesting it all.
So please, when you are embarking on medical school, and the world is shining, and spring is sumptuous and on the rise, and the peppermint wind is blowing through your lovely dark hair, and you see a cherry blossom swimming in the wind, all I ask is that you remember me in that moment.
You don't need to promise to stay in touch, to remember my middle initial, or the ways that life intersected us in its strange dance. Just feel the warmth of my love emanating from miles away, wherever I'll be. Just promise me you won't forget that I've always believed and wanted the best for you. You'll never know how much so, but it's true, I believe in you and always want the best for you and love you.
I apologize if I've ever caused you any distress or discomfort in the past. Sometimes I do things I can't comprehend. I don't know why I sent those messages so impulsively. I just felt your pain, I could feel a volcano inside, and I wanted to quench it. I'm sorry for anytime I injected your life with anything less than the love I hold for you.
But seeing you ascend nevertheless, your future like a diamond glinting, facets sealed and sharpened by the will of God, makes me the happiest girl alive. Congratulations on your MCAT score, on making it so far. Myself? I'm so behind, too behind. I should be working on myself, on my own unripened life, on things that will be fruitful. But I'm stuck here in this excruciating purgatory, knowing I have to let go of something that feels so fused to my core. I need to let go of the hope of a future with you. I need to restart and find my own wings.
Because I already know I'd weigh you down, otherwise. That, and I know that what we've had is enough. We've had sweetness and the promise of something beautiful, yet ephemeral bubbling between us. We've had warm exchanges, traded uplifting words, seen each other through this convoluted and tiring journey.
You've seen me at my youngest and lowest along the past year, across this journey. You reacted in fear and love. But I'll never forget the way your eyes shined, and you promised with firm certainty that I'd do well in life. I can't say the same, but it meant more to me than you'll ever know.
So reach for the stars, and don't look back. Keep going, and remember to take breaths, and remember how dazzling and wide the universe is. Remember that I believe in you. Remember that you have a hope and a future. Remember to get solid sleep and to nourish yourself. Remember that you're unforgettable to me.
I don't know what the future holds, but I know that yours can't be pinned down, and I won't allow it, not at the expense of my heart. So even though I want so desperately to tell you how much you mean to me, I want the best for you. And you deserve to keep floating, to reach transcendent heights, unconstrained by the gravity of anything else but your own brilliant destiny.
Sand's a time of its own, they say. It's true, our moments together are dying, slipping through my fingers more and more. But as long as you keep flying, I know everything will be okay. I'm still mending my own wings, but what keeps me alive is seeing yours shine.
| 1 |
In a Weird Situation
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I currently hate my job (don't we all). I got a promoted into a new position nearly a year ago. I was supposed to be trained once my replacement was fully trained. Welp - he's fully trained and I've yet to start in my position.
Then at one point, I started getting handed assignments that are outside of my job description but seeing I had nothing to do, I gladly took them over. They've taken those assignments back and gave them to new hires. So I'm literally doing next to nothing all day. I have to wait till I get an email from someone to do research or asked to do some system cleanup. Otherwise, I'm in Incognito mode on my computer working on my Journal, short story, be on Reddit or job search.
I've already asked my boss several times - subtly and direct about when I would start getting trained and I was getting mixed signals so I stopped pushing it. BTW he works remote in another state so it's not like I can just go into his office and have a confab. I can't do Zoom because there's no quiet place for me to sit and focus on what he'd be showing me.
The company is doing a quarterly Employee Appreciation day next Friday which is okay but not my jam. I found out yesterday from someone who is not in my department that my boss is allegedly coming into town for this event. He has not done this before but he's now coming in? No one in my department knew this but another department did? It's just...weird. I honestly think he's coming in to fire me. But what made all of this extremely weird is his boss (company owner) handed me a hat with the company logo on it so I don't know what to make of this; he wouldn't have given me a hat if they were going to let me go or is this a mindfuck?
On top of this, I did get a job lined up but its in my former career field; a field I'm not too keen on but I would make more money doing this. I am concerned I'm pigeonholing myself into this yet if I pass this job up, I may not have a job after next Friday so...I'm at a loss what to do.
| 1 |
I can’t push myself out of my comfort zone
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I’m just too stuck where I am and I’m too scared to step outside my comfort zone because every time I do I just get hurt and get worse. Im working on it in therapy but I that’s not even helping I’m just stuck like this forever
| 2 |
I found out my best friend takes our friendship for granted
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When my best friend and i meet years ago, we both suffered from a bunch of anxiety disorders and many other psychological disorder. As a result i always made sure to be there for them and make them as comfortable around me as possible, and they did that for me too.
A year and few months ago, they started taking really hardcore drugs and became an addict. As a result they became extremely toxic towards me. They would disregard everything single boundary of mine, they wouldnt care about my triggers, at times they had threatened harm, at times they disrepected me so much it felt like bullying, being publicly humilated and at times they almost harassed me and much more.
During all of this, i did my best to fix it, i directed to resouces, i talked to them about the situation, they would acknowledge their toxic behaviors, we'd talk about solutions.. but nothing would work. At some point they even told me they did not want to get better as theyd be doing it for others and not themself.
I started being more distant and i would rationalise the situation by blaiming it on the drugs and the fact that addiction is an illness. "They're so ill they cant think of anybody else but themself, theyre selfish" "the drugs caused this behavior"...etc
Well yesterday they wanted to talk to me because they noticed i had become distant, some toxic shenanigans happen and then we finally get on the phone.
We were both surprisingly calm and just talking about our emotions with the situation, i was pained but they seemed surprisingly fine. As the phonecall was about to end, they suggested that we should hang out next week and i declined. They asked me why and i said that it had been a while since hanging out with them was fun for me. To which they replied "it will be different, i wont take drugs anymore" they ended up explaining they got into a relationship with a woman and started quitting for her. I asked why? Why did they quit for this woman they meet a week ago but couldnt for me? Their best friend of many years. And they replied "because im comfortble around you, i know you get me. I dont know if she'll understand and i love her and dont want to lose her." I silently cried and the phonecall ended shortly after.
In that moment i realised the problem wasnt the drugs or that they were selfish or ill. It was that they were comfortable around me and took me for granted. I had projected a version of myself that was caring and understanding to a self sacrificing point. And i dont think i can fix that. I stayed there by their side cause i kept telling myself that if the drugs werent there, everything could be fixed. But thatnight the drugs werent there, they hadnt been there for a week and yet they messed with me again.
I knew i had lost a friend cause i failed to make myself be respected.
| 2 |
I hate my condescending coworker.
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“Have you communicated with—“
YES. YES. YES. YES.
Still condescending. And no, I’m not switching jobs, I just started. Job otherwise is great.
| 2 |
I am so happy
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I (27nb) am in the most happy relationship with my boyfriend (30m). I've been through so many bad relationships and he's just incredible. He's been my friend for 6 years before we started dating and best friend for over 2 years. He loves my kids (5 and 3) like their his own. He makes me feel so special and loved.
My confidence has improved so much. I feel attractive and smart and funny. I'm getting back into arts and crafts and sewing again. I'm writing and baking again. I'm reading again.
I'm in therapy which is also helping a lot especially in dealing with my childhood traumas. And I feel so encouraged to keep putting in the work to heal and grow.
He looks at me like I'm the most precious thing in the world, like the sun rises and sets with me. I've never felt so loved in my entire life.
A year ago I would have told you this type of love wasn't real. But now I'd never accept anything less. As we near a year together I am just so excited to spend the rest of my life with this man. True love is real and it's worth waiting for.
| 2 |
Unexpected expense paying for a Father's Day gift.
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I had a riding mower that completely crapped out last year. I purchased a push mower so I could continue mowing the lawn.
Fast forward to Father's Day this year and my FIL said they found a riding mower for me that some lady was giving away. They just needed to fix the brakes and get a new battery. I just needed to give them $115 for the parts.
On one hand $115 for a riding mower is a great deal but I was not planning on forking over that expense nor have I asked or wished I could find myself another riding mower. My FIL is a very easily offended person. So I figure I'd just try to get some extra hours at work to try and cover the cost.
But I just can't help thinking there is something rude or imposing about getting a gift for someone that they need to fork up some cash to pay.
| 1 |
My bf‘s mother is unbearable and i can’t stand her.
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My(f28) bf‘s(m25) mother is a person that i wouldn’t associate with if i met her in any other context.
Every time she talks it’s only to hear her own voice. She has the most shallow topics and behaves like a bratty teen. She lost her retail business due to being stupid with money. She ows my bf several thousands and yet he still gives her more and tries to kick start new career paths for her. She also has a gambling problem.
Her basic hygiene is cleaning up so everything „looks“ clean but in reality everything is fucking contaminated.
We‘re on vacation rn in an airbnb. I‘m extremely germaphobic and she does stuff like crack raw unwashed eggs and not wash he hands after and just keep cooking and serving bread with these hands. She washes dishes with minimal soap. She leaves food out over night or puts it in the fridge uncovered. She left the goddamn filthy trash can lid right on the stove bc she wanted to change the bin bag. She leaves urine reeking pads in the bathroom bin without even rolling them up in toilet paper so it just stinks when you enter the bathroom. She doesn’t wash her hands with soap ever, just with water.
She is severely overweight and complains about feeling fat and then she brags about getting up 4 times at night to eat bc the food is so good. Then she brags about doing fasting and eating only steamed zucchini, then she eats half a box cake. She gives ME dieting advice that i never asked for, i‘m in great shape and eat much healthier than her.
Now the kicker. She came over to the air bnb with her husband a few days ago, then they went home and now a few days later she is visiting the air bnb with her LOVER. I had a long conversation with my bf. I hate cheaters and i don’t respect this woman anymore. Cheating destroyed my family and my ex-engagement. I had to have a whole day of crying and getting my shit together to accept that i would be in a room with active cheaters who don‘t even hide it. I said a compromise would be that i don’t leave the room until they are gone. That wasn’t good enough and it made his mother „sad“ so i had to promise to be neutral.
It‘s a shit show bc her husband is cheating on her too and apparently he started it 20 years ago so it’s „her time to be happy“. Why not just leave ? She and the husband despise each other and they fight all day while the lover is docile af so she‘s happy. My bf is „over it“ and doesn’t care about her bringing that guy over bc his family is a shit show anyway and at least she doesn’t fight with affair man.
Today i was eating some chips on the couch just relaxing, trying to be ok in a shared space with those people. I rarely eat stuff like that and i was excited to have chips. My bf‘s damn mother suddenly says „give me some“ and proceeds to try to get her filthy hand that i don’t know when it was washed before into the bag. I jumped and quickly said i‘d pour her a bowl but i sounded so panicked about it that my bf immediately asked why i acted so afraid and disrespectful.
This conversation escalated really bad, we had a full argument in front of his mother and the goddamn Lover Steve and i already packed and was ready to end this relationship over a bag of chips.
He came over and apologised and he‘s all sweet to me again. His mom is pouting and saying i ruined her appetite.. and i decided to be alone today so that she can get her precious appetite back. I will not apologise for jumping and getting her a bowl but i will also not start a fight about why i don‘t want her touching my food.
I’m so mad at his disfunctional damn parents. And i‘m even madder that i‘m so anal about hygiene and that i couln’t even share the fucking chips and get over it.
I‘m a good match to him but a shit match to his parents. I‘d leave him if his parents didn’t live in a different country.
| 2 |
My MIL has started talking shit about me in relation to the job I do with her. I'm pissed off & can't quit
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My husband and I (late 20s) each work two jobs to try and make ends meet right now. It's still not always enough. His mom (mid 50s) has three jobs too and one of them is a house cleaning service that she built up for herself as an independent. She's gotten to the point where she's overrun with her client load but still really needs the money, so can't dial back. To help with this, my husband was accompanying her to clean houses about four days a week on top of his other two jobs. He's depressed and burning out though, so I offered to take on the majority of the house cleaning jobs off of his hands so he could have a break. He happily agreed. This was about three or four months ago now.
I do 3 houses per week with his mother. Our relationship has been pretty good for the majority of the years we've known each other. I'd say we're decently close. But lately she's been making sideways comments to me while we're cleaning. The last straw for me was what she said to my husband last week. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
So, I have hyperhidrosis. It's a result of medication I have to take. It's gross and inconvenient but can't be helped. It mainly happens in my head and face, so I work around it with a headband and a sweat rag that I keep on my person while I'm working. My MIL makes several comments EVERY time we work together about how sweaty I am. Lately she's been hinting to me about how she wishes my husband could come along more often, under the guise of it being so I wouldn't have to work so hard and sweat so much because she feels bad for me. I tell her endlessly that the sweating isn't a big deal and doesn't bother me, but of course that's not really why she brings it up, so the comments haven't stopped.
She also regularly goes on about 'Oh, I wish we had (husband) here today to do xyz in the house, because he always does it so great BC he's so 'powerful''. These comments insulted me because I always do adequate work, get a clean result and work hard, but whatever. I usually just brush her off.
Last week though, my husband mentioned to me uneasily about how he asked his mom to lay off with the comparisons, because while *he's* working with her, she would go on and on about how she misses having his strength on jobs because he gets shit done so well, as averse to me - she said that I'm 'not as fast or as good as him' and she 'just feels bad for me that I'm sooooo sweaty when I work.'
I'm pissed at this point. My husband is NOT a better cleaner than me. Yes, he's much stronger than me, but I work hard to get the same results as he does, and do it as fast as I possibly can, every time. I work hard for the money I make, and every time I leave a house, it looks immaculate. I finish houses on average 5-10 minutes later than my husband does, and never more than 15. I can't match his physicality, but I always do my best, and my work ethic and the results I produce can't be called into question, despite my apparently disgusting sweating.
Knowing that she's complaining about me so much is making me resentful of her. But I can't quit the job because it would fuck over my husband and I *and* my husband's family if I did, because we need the money and my husband needs the break and my MIL needs the help with her workload. We all rely on this income. Classic story of the lower class.
I just have no way out and am doing my best & I know for a *fact* that my work IS GOOD ENOUGH and on par with my husband's so I just really wish she'd fuck off with her increasingly obvious hints that she'd rather be working with her son than me. Sorry, he's dealing with crippling depression, so gross sweaty me is what you get, lady.
Ugh
| 1 |
I stole cheese.
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I get paid tomorrow but my account is drained today and has been most of the week. I work outside and it can be exhausting, especially during the summer, *especially* when you don't eat all day. I palmed a small cheese block from the deli section of a large grocery store chain for my lunch.
| 1 |
My baby mama came over to watch our son for the night and she ate all my triscuits
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Nothing else missing except 2 full boxes of triscuits. Unbelievable
| 0 |
I want to feel loved
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I recently turned 17, and never before have I felt like this.
I've always been great at enjoying my own company, but it feels like I've lost interest in all of my hobbies. I don't like playing video games anymore, I don't like learning anymore, I don't like being with my pets anymore, I don't like watching movies or youtube anymore, I don't like programming anymore and working out is slowly loosing my interest as well. I've tried new things like reading but it hasnt helped one bit.
I'm not sure what the cause for this is, but nothing feels fun anymore, except being with my friends. But I can't be with my friends every day and I need to start enjoying my own company again, but I just can't.
Im not sure what the reason for this is, but I think it might be because for the first time ever I am crushing on someone very hard.
I had exams last month and started talking to some new people while studying, and there was this girl I really took interest in. I've talked to her while we studied and she came to my 2 birthday parties, she's so sweet and I feel like I want to talk to her everyday, but I can't obviously.
My birthday party was a few days ago, that day we had a few good interactions and as she left her sister said we should make more plans. After the party I sent the both of them a message thanking for the gifts and that girl I like replied saying "that's great" and added the "🥰" emoji. I swear to god I've never been more red. Well that was our last interaction, haven't talked to her in like 4 days..
Yesterday I saw she had a friend only Instagram account so I decided to follow it because why not?
Well she hasn't accepted the follow request yet.
I feel pathetic, I'm relying on others for my own happiness and I feel like a pile of garbage. I've never in my life felt like this before.. I just want to feel like somebody likes me as much as I like them.. Somebody to spend time with, someone to hug, someone to text all day.. But all my friendships are one-sided. I always make the plans, I always invite others..
I start to think something is wrong with me, but I can't figure out what. I'm kind to others, I respect them, I look out for them, I try to help, I make them laugh.. What is wrong with me?
I get so many compliments from others on my looks, on my personality, on everything. So why is it nobody likes me?
I want to invite her and some friends to come to the beach next week, but I feel like I would be feeding this need for validation even more...
I want to text her but I'm a coward. I don't wanna make her uncomfortable, so I always think too much and never text.
Love is something that a few months ago didn't even cross my mind, but now it's all I think about.. It's the summer holidays and I'm so damn lonely.. Nothing to occupy myself with either...
I don't even feel motivated to get out of bed anymore.. The hell am I gonna do? Scroll social media all day because I don't want to do anything else??
I feel worthless, I feel hated and I'm giving up on everything because of this stupid feeling.
Thanks for reading, if you did, have a nice day.
| 2 |
AI took my job
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I am angry, anxious and helpless as I write this. After my father passed away 4.5 years back, I have been supporting my mother by working as a freelance content writer. It didn't fetch much but enough. But for the last 3 months or so, there's hardly any work coming from clients because they're relying on AI for their blogs. So many people I used to work with are helpless. They're all mostly students, doing their bit to support themselves. AI taking our jobs is no longer a satire, it's a reality for me today. I don't know what to do.
| 1 |
Not answering the phone isn't an invitation to show up at my house.
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This is one of the must infuriating things. It feels really disrespectful too, like "You WILL talk to me when I demand it.".
There are so many potential reasons I didn't answer the phone. An uncountable amount of reasons and none of them matter because it's nobody's business.
Instead of just thinking "oh maybe they're busy and will call me back when they're available to talk", leaving a message or texting, this person just shows up.
I see the logic, most people are nice enough to not turn someone away when they're literally at the front door, but I quickly lost my patience for it after the last hundred times they've done this.
They claimed to be worried. That's stupid because they know my schedule and know I'm either asleep or doing my morning routine at this time. Doesn't it make way more sense to wait a while and try again later? Or just trust that I'll return the call when I'm available?
I could understand if I suddenly cut contact for several days or weeks, but no, one missed call and my whole routine gets fucked. All because this person thinks they're entitled to my attention at any given time.
The big thing that they wasted our time over? Nothing, they just wanted to talk.
I hate people.
| 30 |
I don't know how to deal with a transphobic student
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I really didn't know where else to post this for help but I've been a big fan of the subreddit for years.
I, 27m, am publicly out and confident in myself and my appearance. I have worked as teacher support at this school for 8+ years. I started there pre-transition 19f. Its been weird and awkward at times, but allies have said it's good for the kids to learn that the world is full of different people. It's a high school (grade 7-12) and honestly, kids have either been neutral or extremely excited about it for me.
It's been years. There are two teachers I can't work with because of their transphobia (casual, in one case, aggressive in the other) so I got switched to a new class today. There's a student, whose two older brothers I have taught and knew me pre-T and are good with the pronouns. I know it's the parenting and conditioning but this younger one, grade 8, I taught him last year too and he has never known me as anything other than Mr C.
In the playground I'm okay with slip ups, sometimes kids (older) genuinely haven't realised even though I pass now at this point, purely because they knew me before and honestly? It's fine. Even when the other kids flare up protectively, I call them down and say thankyou, but it's okay they weren't being disrespectful, they simply didn't know. In classrooms though, I always take the time to pause and correct and forgive.
But THIS kid, no matter how many times I correct him he calls me Miss. Miss, Miss, Miss over and over. At one point he asked "Miss, were you born a girl originally?" and the boys he was with sniggered. And I said "D, what's that got to do with maths? Do you genuinely need help? It's okay if you do, I'm here to help"
But it honestly started to wear on me. The thought of going back tomorrow fills me with dread. But I got moved to that class to get away from a phobic teacher. I'm going to talk to my manager tomorrow about what we can do.
I honestly don't want to keep running away. I know I need to show them they can't bully adults, they can't be rude. But also, he hasn't technically said anything wrong. It was a question, and the refusal to use Sir/Mr C which he can blame on forgetfulness. I just feel stuck.
Other kids in the class told me not to worry about those boys. They pick on everyone. They make "don't assume my gender" jokes all the time, or "Are you picking on me because I'm black, Miss/Sir?" jokes. And I just smiled and said thanks.
To be clear: I ALWAYS offer to clear up confusion when a kid is clearly a little confused (I pass visually, but my voice is only moderately deep). And sometimes, when I'm teaching and have kids I've taught before, I offer up 5 mins of no judgement question time. But D's question was purely to belittle me and giggle at.
I mean, I guess I'd like tips, or a quick sarcastic quip or something? But ultimately I'm just getting this off my chest so that I can go back tomorrow and be the strong role model I'm supposed to be.
I just feel pathetic 14 year old boys are hurting my feelings. GOD that sounds pathetic.
| 5 |
I’m Blacklisted
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Just need to vent and get this off my chest. I have been blacklisted in my industry. I am a Realtor/ Property Manager. My previous Broker sits as President of the local association. I worked for her for 2 years. It was a toxic and abusive environment, but I stayed, learned everything I could and became great at my job. There was never a single write up or performance issue. 2 months prior to me quitting I spoke with her about me starting to look for employment elsewhere and staying on long enough to help her find a replacement and help train them. 30 days go by and she still hasn’t started looking. I told her I’m giving her 45 days to find a replacement. I gave her this time as I knew she was leaving to Italy for 3 weeks and didn’t want to ruin her vacation. Now every week I sent her a detailed excel spreadsheet of my time, every single day, down to the 1/4 hr. I have saved a yr and a half of these spreadsheets. This matters. The 45 days come and go. She returns from Italy, no replacement hired, calls a meeting that Friday afternoon, where her wife shows up and includes herself. I have never been an employee of the wife. There was never a single thank you for the amount of work that went into keeping the company running. I managed 450 properties for her. 700 doors. Not a single thank you. Everything went off without a hitch. The wife inserts herself into the meeting, questioning what it is that I do all day, and how I need to write a daily log and send it in to her to see what it is that I do. I got lectured, yelled at and abused for a job well done. I was paid $10 an hr less than the local market average with no room to move up. I went home broken, formulated an email resigning effective immediately. Now my previous Broker has blacklisted me. I’ve had 15 interviews. Been offered the position with all of them, then just like that I’m ghosted. Zero return correspondence. I worked so hard just to be abused, ridiculed, treated as personal property. She acted as if she owned me and now she’s mad because I chose to walk away, with notice, and she has single handed lay destroyed my career with no chance of me fighting back. I just don’t know what to do. I’m in small town Texas, Good ol’ Boy network and I’m Fkd.
| 1 |
My friend was sa’d by another one of my friends and idk what to do about it
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My friend told me about how she was coerced into doing sexual things and received unconsentual sexual pictures from another person in my friend group a few years ago. The thing is is that she does not want anyone to know. I am disgusted by that friend and I really want to avoid them but I can’t because if I do anything my other friends will question me and be very confused. They have no clue what he did and I do not want to violate my friend’s privacy by telling them why I hate that person. It would make things so much easier for everyone if she spoke up about but she refuses. Me and a few of my other friends who know have tried convincing her to speak up but she refuses.
I also want to ask my therapist for advice on it but I’m afraid that they will have to report this.
If anyone has any ideas please let me know.
Edit: yes we are minors and we live in the USA.
Edit 2: it makes it extra hard that we all hang out as a group together
| 1 |
Frustrated with my parents.
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My parents have been married 30+ years and it's been ups and downs.
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My dad cheated with mom's sister in law (her brother's wife) TWICE. He said it was never sexual. My mom lost her mother and my brother was in jail around the second time the affair happened. Mom was very hurt by it. My mom (VERY RECENTLY) told me she talked to someone she liked in another country and my dad was FURIOUS about it. Dad is apparently threatening to st\*b her in her sleep and cursing at her. He does not want my brother and I to know. Have been pushing my mom to protect herself and do what she needs to. She's scared and keeps saying. "don't say anything". He has physically abused her...threw a machete at her back in the past and said foul shit to her. (happened back in......2005? 2006?)
My mom wants me to be quiet about the recent threats, especially because I got my citizenship recently to sponsor both my parents. And because she knows my brother would m\*rder my dad.
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What do I do?
| 1 |
A girl at school called me dumb today because I lost a game of chess with her.
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There was a chess competition at school today. Not at that big of a scale, just a little fun competition which I think happened solely to get pictures to fill the yearly magazine.
When everyone were asked if they wanted to sign up for it, I naturally refused as I don't play that much chess. But this girl P insisted I play with her. Another girl, say S, just sat there spectating. S is one of those super smart kids who just happen to have a lot of brain and impress all the teachers. S is also... self absorbed and noisy. Was never a fan of her. She kept saying why my moves were shit and that my techniques were "disturbingly bad". At one point, she yelled, "Are you dumb? Move your fucking Queen!"
I just got up and left that game. I know she isn't one to measure my intelligence and I definitely know I'm not dumb. However, I'll never be able to enjoy Chess again.
| 1 |
My guy (30M) has 20 day vacation leave and would see me (29F) just overnight. We live in different countries
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Is it wrong that I feel bad about it? We've been talking for 10 months now and we met like 3-5 times cos he visits me in my country. He'll be back in a month and he said we'll meet for like overnight. I told him "what do you think of me, a booty call? 😂" He felt bad that he made me feel that way but I also feel bad that he's seeing me just overnight. He told me that he doesnt see me as a booty call and wanted to see me and spend time with me. He's also going on vacation to other nearby countries as well.
| 1 |
I miss you
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But I won’t tell you that. You’re on my mind everyday. Even if I try to push you away, you’re still there. I still check what you’ve been up to, I just can’t help it. Sigh. Why does loving you have to hurt so much.
Eh. You dont deserve it. You probably moved on already and found new girls. The day we broke up I saw you added some followers. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were already talking to other people behind my back when we were still together. Nothing that comes out of your lying mouth is trustworthy anyway.
| 1 |
i just got my license at the age of 23!!!!!
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for years i’ve avoided even simply taking my permit test just so i would have an excuse not to drive. it has always been such a hectic fear of mine, even dreaming of myself getting into accidents before i even got behind the wheel of a car. even when i eventually did get my permit at 21, i still put it off because it’s just something i thought i’d never overcome. driving always made me feel so overwhelmed and small. i honestly didn’t get comfortable driving until about a few months ago. i originally was going to go to a driving school but i had just got a new job with hectic hours and tbh i really didn’t want to pay over $400 for something that i could’ve gotten for free. i’ve always felt like a burden since i turned 18, having to rely on everyone around me to take me places. i always felt so small and i would beat myself up because i knew that as an adult, (in my personal world) i’d never be able to thrive without a license. my sense of independence was pretty nonexistent and it really made me feel like a waste of space. i’ve seen friends since by cars and even apartments/houses, meanwhile I didn’t have a license. today i can finally say that a big weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and i can finally (really) join the real, adult world. i don’t have to rely lyft/uber or everyone around me to take me simple places anymore, i can go on my own! i’m so happy and excited for this new chapter. many people may think this is so stupid but it means a lot to me.
| 1 |
Pets Are Assholes
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They're such assholes. They make you fall in love with them, show you affection, make you laugh, and then peace out.
I miss my little buddy, he took his last breaths in my arms. Fucker took almost two years to earn his trust too.
His brother is shall I say emotionally stupid, but our other cat has been way more affectionate than usual. He knows we need him right now.
I'm just thankful I could show him love and warmth. He was feral, fostered, then we took him in. He would always run to the front door and greet me when I came home too, I'm really going to miss that greeting. He would curl up next to me and my 3 month old while I gave her a bottle.
Fuck cancer.
| 1 |
I trauma dumped at the nail salon
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I went with a friend and told her all about my mommy issues and daddy issues and how my nanny used to pull my hair and bang my head against a wall with gruesome details of the why and how. I was supposed to just get my nails done but I subjected the entire salon to my life story. I left feeling so drained and sad and regretful for even talking. I should keep my mouth shut. Why can’t I stop talking about my childhood. Why do I *HAVE* to tell everyone I can about my trauma, I can’t help myself. That’s why I f*cking hate myself.
Now im home with my heart rate through the roof and a volcano/earthquake in my stomach.
| 55 |
I think I might have ruined my entire future in the last 3 months
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Hey everyone. I (18M) have made some really dumb decisions.
Over the last 2 years I’ve been in a really, really bad state mentally. Lonely and hating myself. So when I turned 18, I got desperate for attention and love. So I started to post in risqué subreddits and ask for….yeah. One of them I even talked about a slightly taboo fetish that I have. Anyway, I got contacted by some people and talked to them for a month. One of them ended up being a romance scammer and tried to leak my nudes. The other one and I got along pretty well. However, I got to the point that I trusted him enough to send normal pictures of myself, and tell him my name, where I’m going to college, my tinder account, etc. I want to be a politician when I grow up so I can actually make a difference. And now I’m terrified these pictures and convos will come back to haunt me and ruin my life in the future. I’ve already committed self harm recently, and I’ve generally been feeling suicidal for the last few days. I don’t even know what to do anymore. And suicide feels like the best option.
| 1 |
Udpate: Today an NDA expired, due to the company being terminated.
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I opened the door and my God it is terrible. Instantly there were tens to hundreds of flies that all became disturbed and swarmed me, and quickly after opening the door a horrible smell filled the area. When that was dealt with I took a look down the hole and saw no bottom. When I dropped a rock down I never heard the sound of it hit the ground. I purchased many spools of fishing line and a gopro which will arrive via mail in a few days time. I will update then.
| 1 |
Men who’ve been in multiple long term relationships that didnt work out, is it difficult for you to give yourself fully in a new one
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I've been seeing this guy for a few months now, and he's been in a couple ltr’s (one was 2 yrs and the other was 4). He's given me no reason to think that he's not all in with me, but I think I might be insecure of the fact that he's not fully over his exes. 2 and 4 years is a long time to invest your self into people, so part of me finds it difficult to trust that he's fully over both of them. Again, I acknowledge this is only an insecurity for the time being. The more I get to know him the more I like him, so it's difficult when he brings up a past experience, and casually mentions that an ex was a part of that experience too. I totally understand that the past is in the past, and those people were in his life much longer than I've been so obviously they've had plenty of experiences. But knowing the facts doesn't meanthe sting of hearing it goes away if that makes sense
| 1 |
Delusional about her fairy tale
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I ponder over the ways I can pop the bubble, the manner in which my inner Goddess will approach me to impart wisdom me, “in front of you, you shall find the remains of a relationship you built with care; do not latch on to the remains of the dead, however promising they might be, move on. Deafening silence is the sign of a dead relationship.”
| 2 |
I feel like I want sex with my wife all the time and I don't know how to deal with it
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I \[47M\] have been with my wife \[42F\] for 23 years and have been married for 20. She's the only woman I've ever really been attracted to (and even then, I only really became attracted to her after we knew each other for a year and had dated for another) and the only one I've ever had sex with either. Once I felt that for her, my libido absolutely skyrocketed and it hasn't gone down since.
I've never told her quite how high my drive is. I find myself wanting her 3-4 times a day, but I don't want her to feel pressured or to think all I think about or want from her is sex. I adore her, and quite frankly, if I could make my sex drive truly be what she thinks it is (roughly the same as hers, that is), I absolutely would. It's very frustrating when I just want to cuddle or appreciate a conversation or a bath together or a movie and instead feel so horny.
I don't know if this is normal (I certainly know that the way I feel attraction isn't quite normal), but if it is, how does anyone deal with this? I've tried supplementing with masturbation, but it just doesn't scratch the right itch. I suppose at the end of the day it's just nice to say this, even if nothing changes I'll be perfectly happy, if always a touch frustrated with my body.
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Edit/Addition: I have posted an update (it's the only other post I've made)! In short, I told my wife and it went very, very well. Thank you all!
| 2,599 |
I haven't been happy for a while
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I (23F) have been having a rough year. I was in a bad car accident at the beginning of the year that left me with back pain that'll most likely stick with me for the rest of my life. Due to this, I had to quit my job in order to make doctor appointments 4 times a week, and like an idiot, I didn't secure a backup plan. I'm also without a car so I have to rely on my fiancé (26M) to take me anywhere. And as you can imagine, because I didn't secure a backup up plan the money I had saved up quickly ran out so I could pay bills and take care of some unexpected expenses. My fiancé had went almost a month without getting paid when he switched to a new job (he works a job that only pays 2 a month) and due to this, I also took on taking care of expenses for him until he got paid. My fiancé now gets paid regularly and he makes more than we ever did at any previous jobs before, even with him paying child support. I have been asking for him to help me with my bills since he now has income, and while he's taken over paying the electric bill and our internet bill, he hasn't helped me with my negative balance for my bank account, despite saying he would. I feel bad for getting upset, since I know he is trying and he's not obligated to help me, but I'm tired of the empty promises, while I'm getting mail from the bank saying they have closed my account and will take legal action if I don't figure out anything. I'm sorry for the small tangent about money, but it adds some context to my situation.
My fiancé is out of town for another 2 weeks to do training for his job so he can get a certification, and I only see him on the weekends now, which I feel is putting strain on our relationship. We talk everyday, but we're very physically affectionate people, and taking on the phone feels so empty when I can't hug him or cuddle next to him. It's very lonely without my fiancé, and while my depression has been slowly getting worse, being isolated and not able to leave my house when I want to has made my depression spiral out of control, and I've stopped taking care of myself and spend most of my days either at my computer or just laying in bed. Being this isolated made me realize that I haven't been happy for a while. I don't know how to really explain it, but I'm happy when I'm with my fiancé, but deep down inside I'm still sad and not that happy.
There's been some other things going on, such as drama with my fiancés ex wife, who essentially bullies my fiancé since he won't stand up to her and uses their children as a way to get him to do what she wants. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to marrying both of them, since she's made it very clear that she was his first wife with his last name, and I'll be nothing but a replacement. She's incredibly toxic and when her and my fiancé fight, he'll get frustrated (but never angry) and things will be tense between us. I'll admit, sometimes I'll find myself thinking about how I wish I didn't date anyone who was previously married or didn't have kids, but then I feel terrible because I love my fiancé and my future step children.
Maybe I'm stupid for letting these things get to me and make me unhappy, but it feels good just to scream how I feel into the void. I'm sorry if my thoughts are all over the place. I'm not looking for pity or anything, I'm just wanting to get my true feelings out. On a positive note, I've finally gotten a new job and started this week, I haven't gotten paid yet though. Here's to things hopefully going up from here.
| 1 |
I won't get better
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I just don't think there's a way for me to get better. I tried.
I really want to go to a professional to get treatment for my mental health, for my anxiety and overall the feeling that I'm losing my mind; but I'm a broke student and my parents refuse to believe anything is wrong with me even with an history of mental health issues in my family, I've asked numerous times to go to a therapist or something but they refuse saying I just want to get pills (I have issues with alcohol, they think I both want an easy way out and will get addicted).
I also came to accept the fact I don't identify as a woman, but in my family coming out would be the biggest mistake I could do. My direct family can accept gays, lesbians and bisexuals (they "tolerate" them) but they are extremely transphobic.
Not only I'm fucked up in the head but also have to see myself in the mirror, I feel my skin and my chest and know I'm fucked up in my flesh too.
I hate my body so much. I wish I could be anorexic again so I wouldn't have to worry about curves or about my chests (I can't even get a reduction as it is way out of my budget).
And don't let me start on sex. I'm way too traumatized to enjoy it at all. I decided to give this guy my "virginity" so I can at least have it taken with my consent this time, and I felt utterly disgusted afterwards.
I feel so trapped, there's more and more thing going on and it feels endless and I just want it to end.
I can't even think of killing myself without thinking on how that would affect my family and friends and how much of an inconvenience that'd be for my parents.
I know there's people that loves me, even with their mistakes and the ways they don't realize they hurt me, but I don't know if their love is worth the pain I'm in.
Why is life so rough on me? why can't it get better? I try I really do but nothing seems to work for me. Everyone is moving and I'm behind them, drowning in my thoughts and I hate it so much.
| 1 |
Getting over it
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I don't know what's happening anymore. Can't sleep, can't eat, and feel drunk all the time. Cannot really focus on anything since you walked away and abandoned something we had together.
You said, that you don't want to see me ever again and I just blocked you.
Why does it always have to end like this. Why do I always see something that isn't there? I wish I saw that you weren't interested at that time so I could just brush it all off. Why did my mind make something of us that wasn't there. I had thoughts that we could ran away together, but they were just delusions. Why did my mind make me believe that you actually care and have romantic/ deep feelings for me? Why did my mind make me stalk your friends and family, I thought I was just being friendly. And is it stalking, if you check someone online a few times?
It was all just a big mistake, a misunderstanding.
It should never have happened.
I developed those feelings for you and for you it was a joke. You just laugh at everyone and think that they're stupid.
I'm sorry that I trusted you. I thought we were friends and I thought that you liked me. If only you cared enough to actually listen when I tried to talk to you about this whole mess, but you just changed the subject.
Every time you flirted with me and send those 'confession" messages and I brought this up to you, you just ignored or laughed at me.
I wish I could just walk away then. Now I'm crying in my room and hoping for a better day to come, to finally get over you.
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| 1 |
A friend of mine wants my bf and tells everyone I’m a cheater
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Basically what the title says. I’m dating my boyfriend (19) since two months now and it goes great. We started to hang with 4 other friends a lot because they were couples as well and there was no drama. But not so soon I started to see a few things ? Things like the other friend, we call her amy, always staring and looking at my bf. She started to look at him with those f me eyes and whenever he said something she would laugh extremely. Whenever I had struggle with my bf she always told me that he’s mad and doesn’t want to talk. But a few days later my lover got mad because I wasn’t texting at all. He told me that amy told him that I need time and I’m still angry about a few things. A total lie. So Thats when we both started to see these „things“. Amy is with her bf, we call him Alex, since 2 months as well now. They always argue like every day and they broke up like 10 times now ? And she is awful to him. She tells me things like she gave her ex head. Her excuse ? They broke up a few hours ago so it should be fine. But that’s not how it works.. she even told me worse things but not gonna list them up now. A few days ago we were at a party and no we both were sober. That’s when a friend of mine jokingly said that we could do a 6way. I laughed and agreed. Amy took me then to the side and asked if we could do a 3way? The thing is she’s with her bf on this party and now she’s asking me this dumb question ab a 3way and I just lost it. All these things I saw and thought would be my imagination became true. I got rude and told her that’s not gonna work because my bf told me how ugly he thinks she is and that he wouldn’t even get his thing up. Idk I was rash but I got so f mad because her bf is a friend of mine and watching all this sh is making me sad. I went to my lover and told him everything he told me he wouldn’t talk to her anymore and that he’s taking some steps back. The next day I was at work doing my stuff when my phone exploded. Thousand texts from my bf calling me things and that I’m the worst. I tried to calm him and asked what happened. Then he told me amy told him „everything“ so what ? What is everything ? He told me ab me cheating on him with my ex. For context my ex was in my old class when I was doing a levels. So the class sometimes meets up at a bar and we just talk and drink. I told Amy that he confessed feelings to me and gave me a kiss on my forehead when I was moving around. I told him straight away I’m dating someone and that was how it went. The funny thing is I already told him the next day I just couldn’t remember and talked to Amy how to confess to him. So now we’re here. She told him I was at his home that we kissed that I’m terrible. I begged my bf to ask whoever and he did. Everyone was just confused and Told him the f no. Plus i was going home with a close friend so I couldn’t even go to his place. He straight up apologized and begged for forgiveness for not trusting me and trusting a girl who tries to hook up witz him. I got kicked out of every group and everyone was hating on me. Even neighbors. So I had to explain to everyone that I wasn’t cheating that’s just nonsense and I got slowly my friends back after they heard what actually happened. Amy got kicked out everywhere and lost everyone. The thing is. Her bf, who’s btw the best friend of my bf is, is still going out with her and he’s telling everyone that I’m the liar and he hates me for what I had done to his girl. He’s not waking up even tho they broke up again yesterday but guess what they talked it out.? So that’s life rn ?
| 1 |
Help me or give Advice I’m lost
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The fear of the ambitious man who dares to dream.
First of all thank you for taking the time to read this and giving me advice it will be a long read but I’d really appreciate it if you could help me.
The main problem of my life is one that many have faced before me and many will face after, today I received my results from exams im 17 and I live in England I have just done mocks for my sixth form I do maths biology and English literature. I achieved an E a D and a B my parents are of course extremely disappointed and I have felt terrible for the past 3 days but let’s rewind since I was a kid my mum has constantly put an emphasis on studying and working hard when I was 11 I did the 11 plus exam and well failed because I mixed up the question and answer booklet throughout gcses everyday she would tell me to revise and study. I come from a family on my mums side of well all doctors people that have been highly qualified and educated I am middle class and so I live a comfortable life my mum is good at math and being logical when I did my gcses I mostly underperformed my parents expected me to achieve grade 8s or 9s and I got 6s and 7s. the truth is since I was a child I have always been at my strongest creative I have been told I am an incredibly talented actor and people have often been impressed by my writing. When I was around 14 it was 2020 and corona virus happened I went into lockdown and it was quite possibly the best period of my life during that time I finally figured out what I wanted to do with my life my passions. I decided I wanted to be a boxer like Muhammad ali I wanted to make music like kanye west and I wanted to do youtube so I started a youtube channel and I started training I started working hours I mean hours on my youtube channel and I trained eventually lockdown ended and I went back to school and started my gcses however despite that to be honest I had lost all interest in school I continued working on my channel and I built it up to 2K subscribers I stopped uploading in march however when the second lockdown ended when I went back to school again I realized that despite being smart I had no clue what was going on after talking to my mum after some bad results she essentially convinced me to sacrifice my hobbies to study. My parents grew up in a third world country where not everyone got educated and the only way to succeed is through university. My mum was a literal straight A student and my dad is as strict but reasonable as any immigrant parent. So I stopped uploading I told myself I would find balance between everything but I still haven’t as time progressed I would spend hours trying to study but constantly getting distracted the truth is I didn’t want to be another face in the crowd theres nothing wrong with a 9-5 but it was my own selfish and greedy desire to be ambitious to leave a genuine impact on the world and be remembered I wanted to be an artist a philosopher and a warrior I wanted to write books and act do all these things I wanted to be great not once did I ever tell my parents any of this I mentioned boxing and music and they just disregarded it my mum told me that a student shouldn’t be worried about such things focused only on studies I asked her if she would be proud of me if I wrote a song and it charted and made money she said no she said that a degree was something nobody could ever take away from you. I have a very close relationship with my parents and I do love them after gcses I was thinking of maybe telling them about my dreams but and im being genuinely honest im just. Scared. Fear controls my life I know how happy I would be if I just chased my dreams but I just cant do it I tried balancing it and now im sitting here writing this out with no way of going to university ( college if your American ) with terrible grades but the truth is personally I don’t even care I just want my parents to be happy part of me wants to chase my dreams not even because I want to succeed but just for the journey for the principal of saying I TRIED to conquer the world but maybe I shouldn’t try I cant even conquer maths the thing is I have listened to so many people online and looked up to so many people who have told me to live for myself I don’t want to die on my deathbed looking up at a ghost of the person I should have been I have been given these talents of great creativity and art and it would be a disservice to myself my parents and the world not to pursue it but ill be honest im scared what I want to do is not stable theres no guarantee opening a fashion company would work theres no guarantee I can balance all these things most people can only be successful in one thing and I want to do it all ive been told if I truly wanted my dreams I would work crazy hard to make it happen and maybe that’s true maybe part of the reason im so scared to tell them and chase my dreams is because I live comfortably and ive had the illusion that everything will work itself out I can’t both go to university and chase my dreams I have to find a middle ground my parents truly think the only way to succeed is through university and a job maybe their right and im wrong for dreaming but should I not live my life for myself I am a very philosophical person ive been told by people im very smart despite my terrible grades but I don’t know what to do I don’t have an answer I do want to at least stay in education till im 18 but do I want to go to university? Maybe one day but not now in my 20s I want to travel the world and live life I probably didn’t get everything across like the constant comparisons to my cousins who went to high level universities and all my other relatives large academic success I am an only child my parents have insulted me constantly this week and told me how there are people who don’t even have food everyday that revise and do well so why cant you its my fault for not doing well I guess my dreams have crumbled and I have finished my life off before it even started my parents definitely hate me. God help me.
| 1 |
i feel drained
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I’ve been having a rough year so far, It got worse when I lost my unborn child and it is something I cannot get past and I don’t know if I can get past. I feel lonely and just drained having to battle the thoughts everyday along with other thoughts that consumes me every single day. I always tell myself though, that it’s going be a great day and everything will be okay, it’ll take time. The more I tell myself that the more i’m starting to neglect my well being. My body is showing signs of stress now, I cannot keep down food and I sleep hard, long and without even feeling tired and I usually am able to keep myself up easily. I’ve always kept myself as busy as I can, school work, work, gym etc. I just wanna know what else I have to do to just feel better. I’ve always felt like this for years, therapy didn’t really help either. I just find myself downing down things I thought i’d never do alone like drinking/smoking. What do you guys do to make peace with yourself? Even just for a few minutes?
| 1 |
First day of self therapy.
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I did it. I finally did it. I tried journaling and I tried writing to my younger self. I know it’s working because I’m getting emotional as I’m typing this and I know it’s something my younger self has always wanted to hear. I’m sorry for bullying you, but I love you and I’ll be here to reassure you.
| 1 |
I feel like I've ruined my life, and no one in my life knows
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The purpose of this post is to write down the last few years of my life, and put it out in the world. I don't know if posts this long are allowed, or if anyone will make it all the way through. And compared to some of the other posts on here, mine doesn't seem that bad. But this story is mine, and I've finally come to own that.
In mid-2019, I thought I had the perfect life. I was living with my then girlfriend of 4 years in a beautiful apartment with our beautiful dog. I was just promoted to the position of "Director" of my department, and was making $100k+ at 26. I had started with this company fresh out of college making $30K in the Accounts Payable department and worked my butt off over 4+ years to get to my position. But around that time, even though I was accomplishing everything I had set out to, I started to become unhappy. I wasn't sure why, and I hated myself for it. All I could think of was how badly some people have it, and here I am living this amazing life, but I was still sad. I remember constantly telling myself to "just get over it".
It's almost scary how good I was at putting on a mask, and not letting anyone in my life know how badly I felt. It went on for months, and not even my girlfriend could tell something was wrong. That was until late 2019, when these feelings and my façade took a toll on my physical health. I could barely eat, stopped going to the gym, and in a matter of months lost 50-60 pounds. My girlfriend could tell something was wrong, but I told her it was nothing and that I was fine. It was taking it's toll, but I kept the act going and she believed me. Or so I thought.
In late 2019/early 2020 (before COVID), she sat me down one night and told me she was moving back to her home state with her family (about 6 hour drive away). This had come to a shock to me as we had discussed moving there down the road, but she had just been promoted at her job and was allowed to work remotely. Meaning she could move home to a cheaper state and still keep her job. What shocked me even more was that she had been organizing this for weeks, and the move was only a week away. I asked if it was something I had done, to which she said no, she just really wanted to move back home. She also said we'd continue dating long-distance, and eventually I would make my way up there too. The initial move caused a few problems: she took our dog with her (her parents had a house & yard, as opposed to our apartment so makes sense), she left a ton of her stuff with the intention of taking trips more trips down. But the hardest was our lease was up in a couple of months, and I couldn't afford the apartment myself.
Scrambling to find an apartment, I ended up moving back home with my parents to give myself time to find something good. A couple of months went by of my girlfriend and I doing long distance. We'd see each other for a couple of nights here and there, but wanted something longer. We planned a long weekend, and it was amazing, but unfortunately that would be the last happy memory I had with her. The week after being away I couldn't get a hold of her. She wouldn't respond to my texts, told me she was busy when I called, and after a couple of days felt like she was avoiding me. It wasn't until the next weekend that she sent me a very long text message telling me we're breaking up. I called, and we talked for hours about how she wasn't happy doing long distance, and had a desire to date other people. I asked if we could meet in person and talk, if for no other reason than closure. She said she'd think about it, but the next day the country went into lockdown due to COVID. Unfortunately, she used this as an opportunity to completely cut me off.
I didn't hear from her again for 2 months when she reached out and said she was coming to my state and would like to pick up the rest of her stuff. I asked if we could grab coffee and have a conversation so I can understand why our relationship of 4+ years deteriorated overnight. She said she couldn't because she'd be with someone else. When she arrived, I instantly recognized the other person: it was her best guy friend I had met a few times. She told me they were dating, and that he was uncomfortable with her and I going into the storage unit alone. I wanted to ask how she was and see pictures of my dog, but that was just too much for me. I helped them get the stuff out of the locker and left.
At this point, I put all my focus into work. We had a staggered schedule, so I was still going into the office occasionally. I'd go in on weekends to get ahead and spend time away from being cooped up in my parents house. But one Monday morning I went into the office, and my boss asked me to see him in his office. When I walked in, the head of HR was sitting there and I instantly knew what was about to happen. They fired me right there, sighting a couple of general reasons, and escorted me out of the building. I don't know how I made it home because my mind was racing. What had I done? How am I going to find a new job while COVID is killing the job market? Later that week, while meeting up with a now former coworker, I discovered I wasn't the only one. They had fired a few other people who seemingly didn't deserve it. I knew the company was hurting financially due to COVID, and figured this was their way of offloading some higher paid employees quick and easy.
The weekend after I lost my job, I finally had a breakdown. I had lost my dog, my apartment, my girlfriend and my job in a matter of months. My whole life, everything I had built, was gone. I didn't know what to do, but I knew I didn't want to be stuck in this house any longer. So I booked a one-way ticket to California to visit a friend. We spent two weeks driving up and down the state. With COVID still raging, the roads were empty, as were the national parks. Looking back, it was something I needed. For those two weeks I felt free, and that I would figure everything out. But all the while, I was burning through my savings. I figured I was a Director of a company that brought in $400M per year, any company would be lucky to have me. But when I returned from California and began my job search, I realized that was not the case.
There was almost nothing available at that time. And to make matters worse, when I asked my former boss (the only boss I had ever had) for a recommendation letter, he told me it was company policy not to write one. The search went on for a couple of months, with another trip to Cali and more savings blown sprinkled in. It wasn't until the end of summer 2020 that I landed a new job. It was fully remote temp position where I'd be making half of what I used to. But it was at an amazing company, and figured I may be able to turn this into a full time gig. That turned out to be almost impossible. I was the only person in my department. All communication internally was done through email, so I only spoke to my boss over the phone a couple of times. Outside of putting in good work, it was extremely difficult to demonstrate my skillset and show my value to the company. It felt incredibly lonely, but having work to focus on seemed to help. The feelings of (what I now know was) depression seemed to subside. I didn't constantly think of the life I had lost. I was just focused on doing a good job.
I started working out a bit again, eating better, and overall feeling better. It was around this time (late 2020/early 2021) that my friend's girlfriend suggested I try dating again. With her help, I made a couple of dating profiles and started swiping. I went on three of the worst dates of my life, and I loved it. It felt good to get back out there, and they made for good stories. One date showed up to dinner not hungry, and sat there watching me eat. She then suggested we go somewhere in my car to smoke a joint. After about two hits (of weed she brought) she passed out in my car. I finished the joint, let her sleep for like 20 minutes, before waking her up and taking her home. And that's not even the worst. But eventually I met someone I fell for almost instantly. She worked in medicine and was completing her residency in my town.
We both fell in love quickly, and did almost everything together. Not to spoil anything, but we still do everything together. We're still together, and in this shit-sandwich that is my life, she is one of the few bright spots. But one of the few tough times we had was when my temp-job was ending. I wanted to find something new, and did not want to be unemployed again. But her residency would end at the end of the year, and she was looking to move somewhere new for work. We talked about the possibility of moving somewhere together, but with the relationship being relatively new, neither of us knew what to do. I was afraid of taking a new job in my area, and then losing her a few months later. I started focusing on remote jobs so I could be flexible, but a good one is not east to get. My temp job ended, and I continued to search. I was unemployed again. And because I was still living at home, my parents were not happy about this.
This is when my relationship with my parents started to strain. They felt I wasn't taking all of this seriously, and just coasting. But after a little while, my girlfriend and I decided we did want to move together, and she accepted a job down south. I started looking for jobs in that area, but the fact I was still unemployed made my parents furious. One night, while watching TV by myself, my Dad came into the room and told me I'm a failure & disappointment. He said a lot of other stuff, which I don't remember years later. But those words will stay with me forever. The next day, I was offered a job in the same city as my girlfriend, which I accepted. I would only be making slightly more than my temp job, but felt it was a good company to grow in.
We moved in the Fall of 2021. We got separate apartments as we both wanted to establish our own lives in our new city, which was a great decision. But at this point I had built up some debt, and used the last of my savings to move, pay a deposit and first months rent. I was excited to start fresh, but knew I was in a bit of a predicament financially. I should have told my girlfriend about it then, but I didn't. I also tried to be as frugal as possible, and focus on paying off my existing debt, but I just wasn't making enough. I had a tight budget, but unforeseen expenses popped up everywhere. My debt continued to grow, but I finally felt happy with my new life. I figured the money would come eventually, and as long as I stayed on top of it I could keep it manageable.
Unfortunately, I couldn't. The monthly payments became too much, and I could only afford the minimum. This resulted in huge amounts of fees, only adding to my debt. It then got worse, and I couldn't even afford the minimum, resulting in my credit taking a hit. Eventually my girlfriend and I moved in together, which helped lower my costs, but at that point it was already too late. I continued to struggle to make the minimum payments, and my debt continued to build. I never stopped telling myself "the money will come", only it went from a moniker of hope to a coping mechanism. It started to make me feel anxious. I would get a pit in my stomach every time I would look at my bank account. So I did exactly what you aren't supposed to do in that situation: I did nothing. And I continued to do nothing, until last weekend.
My girlfriend was away, and I was figuring out my budget for the week. I opened my banking app, expecting to see a few hundred dollars in there that would hold me over until my next paycheck, but my balance was negative. I looked into the recent charges, and saw several of varying dollar amounts to a website I did not recognize. I got on the phone with my bank and disputed the charges. They were immediately credited, but a few days later the charges came back. My dispute was denied, and my money was gone. It hit me like a ton of bricks. WTF am I doing with my life? I had a heart to heart with myself. I thought about everything I've gone through over the past few years. I wrote it all down, dissected it, and was as honest with myself as I could be. I was depressed. I am depressed. I've been depressed the entire time. Even through the highs that made me feel OK, they were just distractions from what I was really going through. It was tough to admit to myself. Not because of stigmas or anything like that, but because I couldn't admit that's who I was.
My whole life I've been the happy-go-lucky guy. The one who finds the bright spots when things look bleak. Putting a positive spin on something negative. Being there for other people. But at some point that ended, I became depressed, and I don't know why. And rather than doing something about it and seeking help, I buried it and pretended my feelings weren't real. But they were very real, and finally being able to admit that feels like waking up in a hospital with injuries, but no idea of what happened. And that's where I find myself: fully realizing the debt I've built, seeing the graph of my credit score drop, not having enough money to finally go to therapy. And it sucks. But I am so sick of feeling sorry for myself.
I don't blame my ex, my parents, my old boss, or anyone. I blame myself because the issues started before any of this. And if I had just gotten help then, maybe none of this would have happened. But maybe that would mean I never meet my current girlfriend. Which has been one of the few ways I can spin this positively. She makes all my past mistakes seem worth it because they led me to her. I'd say I'd honestly go through it all again just to be with her. But it doesn't seem fair because she deserves the world, and I can't give that to her right now. It'll be an incredibly difficult road to get to get to a point where I can, but feel I've finally made the first step by accepting my situation.
I don't expect or want any sympathy from anyone who reads this. It is not my intent for this to be a "poor me" story. I also fully understand there are people facing far worse things everyday, and my heart goes out to them. I understand my story may not even come close theirs. But my purpose for writing this is to finally get it off my chest, and hopefully show someone struggling the importance of seeking help. Whether that be friends, family, or a professional therapist. And unfortunately my story doesn't have a "come back" as of yet. Something like a happy ending where I'm speaking from the other side. I haven't overcome this, I am in the middle of it. But it is my hope to one day be able to do that and say "it'll be ok, just look at me."
Thank you
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I’m invisible to my family
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I’m the middle child, so naturally the attention isn’t always on me, which is fine and I’ve learned to live with it, but sometimes it gets too much.
My older brother and younger sister always have the attention on them. My brother lives abroad so naturally my parents are always worried about him and my sister is the youngest, which is self explanatory.
However, the glaring difference in the way we’re treated has become way too obvious nowadays. My father works in a different country so my mom is always ranting to me about the problems we have, which is fine because I get that she has to have an outlet too but I sometimes feel like I’m going to burst from how much pressure is placed on me by knowing all the problems we have.
A couple months ago, I discovered that my sister has been cutting. I immediately told my mom and we got her therapy and ever since then, my parents treat my sister like she’s a glass to be broken. My mom and brother and father are constantly discussing my sister’s condition with no obvious regard to how I’m feeling. I’ve actually become invisible. I always have to explicitly express what I’m feeling if I want an iota of comfort and when I do say what I feel, I’m always met with guilt tripping and disregard.
It’s getting too much. I’m starting to loathe my parents and siblings for not caring. If I say any of this, my mom will just tell me I’m being over dramatic because she thinks I’m doing well since I have good grades and don’t complain. What she doesn’t know is that I am suffering from an eating disorder and crippling self confidence.
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My Previous Job
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My previous employer (PE) really did a number on me and my mental health. I quit suddenly with no notice after being treated like garbage. (Added bonus, it was the day my immediate supervisor left for vacation.)
I took time off work to focus on my mental health. My medication had quit working. I had unresolved grief from a parent passing. My self esteem was shot because of that job, too. If I'm honest, the job was a poor fit.
Part of why I quit is because I asked for a parity raise to match a new hire and they made up BS excuses why they couldn't. They blamed me for things that were the result of a poor manager. The usual stuff they do to get you to quit rather than admit they made a mistake.
I got offered a new job today making $7 an hour more than I was making a year ago. With better bosses, better benefits, and a larger better run business.
So, PE, you can kiss my grits. Better employers exist. It's why you can't keep people.
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My dad broke up with his gf cuz of my bio mom
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I hate her so much. My bio mom is married with one of the men who she cheated on my dad with and now she gets to live this life with lots of money and a huge house in a great neighborhood. She’s a narcissistic asshole who’s caused me to have an eating disorder since i have 8, ignored any help i needed and more i don’t want to share.
I cut off contact with her on mother’s day because of how she was treating my dad (a literal saint. he’s a doctor but still makes time for me, my sister, and my half brother). He’s started dating a lady and i got along with her really well. i saw her as the mother i never had. but my mom somehow found out (don’t know how because he doesn’t post and i never tell her anything) and started harassing her and calling her slurs.
It’s gotten to the point where my dad’s (now) ex gf was worried for her safety and had to breakup with my dad. she made sure to tell him and me that it’s not because of what we did and she knows we can’t control what my mother does, but she doesn’t want to worry about my mother coming and trying to ruin her life.
I understand and i hope she lives a great life, but i’m so angry at my mom. she can never be happy with anything and when my dad is happy she wants to ruin it. this was the first serious relationship i’ve seen my dad have and now it’s all gone. i’ve run into him crying over it and i never see him cry so this just gets me more mad.
Sorry for this being messy. I’m on mobile and needed to let off some steam
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I want to open up publicly about my CSA
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Part of me longs to be open about the abuse I experienced, part of me wants people (family) to know, i just want to share my story, share what made me the way I am (mentally ill/sewersideal) my abuser is dead, and now his wife if too, the one person I wanted to protect, there is nothing keeping me from being opened, so why do I still feel guilty, why do I feel like I have to be hush hush about what happened, his dead and his still making my life miserable,
Ive written a unpublished novel that deals with themes i experience and part of me wants to write a short about me about why I chose to write this book, without it being graphic ofcourse, I want to be known as a survivor, but all I feel like is a mute victim
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Being in a mainly student social scene in my 30s (m) makes me feel like a sexual predator
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I first went to university at 18, but was very socially awkward and realised years later that I didn't really engage socially as much as I could have. I had a very bad mental downturn in my late 20s of which loneliness and isolation were a huge part, and responded by overhauling my social skills big time. In the course of a year I transformed myself: dating for the first time, first sexual relationships, I'd have social events with multiple friend groups 2-3 times a week and really found myself in a much much happier place where I was feeling really good about myself for basically the first time since I was a child.
Anyway as part of overhauling my life I got into a prestigious university to do a masters in a subject I loved. I moved to a new city where I didn't know anyone and resolved to use my social skills to quickly build a strong social life and make up for everything I missed from the experience I had when I first went to university.
This worked extremely well, to give an idea my facebook friends increased by about 300 in the first few months I was there. I was also romantically active, I kissed a few people, had some wonderful intimate experiences with a housemate before they sadly left because they didn't like their course, and was in a relationship within a few months. Unfortunately this relationship was extremely abusive, essentially she was a compulsive liar that faked serious trauma, medical issues and a pregnancy and left me fearing for my life and having to rebuild my ability to trust people.
It was kind of from this point that things started to go downhill. I told people about the abusive relationship, partly because I was coming to terms with what had happened and it gave me some relief to talk about it, and this became a big thing that people knew/gossiped about me, but then gradually I kind of sensed that the narrative turned at some point and people became more and more reserved and I got the feeling there were people acting weird around me.
Around this time people were starting to learn my age, basically I was about 30 at this point, but looked quite a bit younger. People usually guess 24-25 for my age. When people find out I'm over 30 I often feel like I notice shock and disgust reactions that people try to hide but often not very successfully. I took it all in stride and assumed that people would get over that and it wouldn't be a big deal. Unfortunately as the year went on everything just felt like it got worse and worse, I also had a coursemate I used to be friends with turn on me and spread nasty rumours about me being rude to a friend of theirs once, and this made me feel unwelcome around my coursemates.
Then I hooked up with someone who I clicked with very quickly and we started a sexual relationship, problem was they were 19 and I wasn't very guarded about this information as I didn't really consider it a big deal. Anyway eventually this became a huge thing among this circle of women who didn't really know any details besides our ages and started intensely gossiping and spreading nasty rumours which occasionally got back to me. At one point one of them posted on instagram that "it's never ok for a 19 year old to date a 30 year old" to over 1000 followers which was clearly targeting me. Friends of mine were also harassed for not disassociating with me.
I want to be clear that I'm not dismissive of issues in age gap relationships, but I think it should be something that the people in the relationship think about, talk through and deal with, and this is exactly what we did. We talked at length about it and there was just nothing that felt like an issue to either of us. We had a similar personality, we thoroughly enjoyed each other's company, we both had extremely high sex drives and we had amazing sex. We didn't officially enter a relationship in the end, but even though this was a few years ago now, even today they are one of my closest friends.
Anyway I got this impression that the culture I was in was watching me and judging me for this relationship, and that people's view of me changed dramatically when they knew my age. I hooked up with a few more people over the next year, their ages were 29,23,27, and dated someone (26) quite seriously for 2 months before we broke it off. This relationship ended kind of badly where they drunkenly accused me of being abusive which really kind of fucked me up because it's a fear of mine that I'd have abusive tendencies. I don't think I really was, I just have a strong tendency to withdraw and be dismissive avoidant when things get emotional, and that's exactly what I did here, I just ended it and withdrew completely from relationships.
I then had about a year of feeling pretty asexual, I didn't make any moves, date, or really socialise that much at all. I think there was one kiss and one one-night stand in the whole time and to be honest I wasn't really feeling either. I got in a really bad mental place again because I was running out of money. I was feeling very lonely again and just feeling like I really didn't have a handle on anything in my life. Around this time I went on a trip with a group of friends where we were putting on a theatre show. It was an amazing experience I really felt myself coming to life again. During the trip I got on super well with someone who I then developed a bit of a crush on, I kind of felt under pressure to act on it because I wanted to get out of my rut and be open to relationshippy things again. Anyway I revealed my feelings and it went really badly, she was 20, I said I felt I was developing feelings for her, she kind of tensed up and got quite awkward. Then messaged me later basically saying how I'd completely creeped her out because she didn't think someone my age developing feelings for her was something that could happen. Also she told everyone in the friend group about it so now I felt like they were gossiping about me in the same way as that previous relationship I had.
I started to feel more and me like people were gossiping about me and judging me behind my back, thinking of me as a creep or worse, and I started to want to spend less time around them, but they were my only social circle at the time. I got a job soon after and my mental state began to pick up, so I tried to challenge anxious thoughts I was having that people wouldn't want to associate with me. I began to arrange social events with people in that group and it seemed to go well. One person in particular I had dinner with a few times, we went to shows together and generally seemed to get on super well. So obviously I started to have a crush on her and agonised about it, because she was 23 and I knew it would be an issue. I seriously considered not saying anything and keeping it to myself but ultimately I couldn't, so I sort of, very timidly revealed to them I might be interested in them. They rejected it pretty up front and were very civil about it. The problem is I then really started to unravel in my head about why I kept asking out these younger women and what was wrong with me and that everyone would think I was a creep and that no one would want anything to do with me.
I took action to find a new social scene that was more age-diverse and that's been a big improvement but I still find myself wracked with guilt and self-loathing around feeling like I'm an old creep that preys on people. Or at least that that's what everyone must think I am. I've heard friends gossip about men who are older in relationships like they're abusers, or just generally refer to men as dangerous, especially older men, and I don't feel I can challenge it. Also recently a person in the friend group got accused of sexual assault and everyone just cut him off and excluded him completely off the back of rumours, which freaked me out and made me terrified for myself and what would happen if everyone decided I deserved that punishment too. Since then I've felt people have also kept me at arms length because of my age and this history I must have of asking out younger women.
Basically to sum up I feel terrified and awful about myself, and I honestly feel like if I had done something terrible like a sexual assault society would treat me the same way and I would feel just as guilty and terrible about myself. Which is really unfair because I would literally never do anything like that and work so hard to understand how I can be respectful to the people around me and make everyone feel as safe as possible. It's like the crime I'm guilty of is the crime of being a man in his 30s, which is just not something I can do anything about, so it's like I'm just trapped in this guilt and can't get away from it.
Thanks for reading.
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Shoutout to Chris and Dave
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While on my usual drive to work I got into a minor fender bender. We were at a red light, then it turned green and the cars start to go. I speed up, probably too quickly, come over a small hill and notice every car slamming on their breaks. I slam on mine…but mine lock up and I slide right into the back of a Prius. I push the Prius into another car. I know this is gonna be my fault on insurance. And it technically is.
We all stop, get out and check to make sure everyone is okay. The first car (Chris) has no visible damage. Not even a scratch. The Prius I hit also has no visible damage, maybe a few scratches but Dave (driver) says that it is nothing. Chris says “my car is fine and I am fine, I’m good to leave”, I say “are you sure, you don’t want my information?” He says “nah I’m good, have a good day”. Chris leaves.
Dave and I check out my car, which is the most damage. All minor, my bumper is a bit out of place, not hanging, my license plate is a bit bent but fine. Dave says “I am okay to leave too, there is no damage to my car”. I again say “are you sure I can give you my info and insurance?” He says “nope, have a great day”. I shake his hand and say have a great day. Then he left. I am left on the side of the road, thanking god or whoever that I am okay and that everything is fine.
I needed to say this to lower my anxiety, as the accident is technically my fault. Shoutout to Chris and Dave for being absolute legends today.
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i’m not good at my job and i don’t know if i’ll ever be good at it
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i work at a call center and i just started this job two weeks ago. every time i have to make a call or take a call, i get socially anxious. i feel like the person next to me and the person across from me can hear me talking and hear the nervousness in my voice. i also feel like i don’t know what i’m doing fully. i don’t have access to everything which makes me get irritated and my job much more frustrating. i can’t send the emails i’m supposed to send to the callers because i don’t have access yet. so i have to wait until my coworker gets off the phone and i have to ask her to send the email. i don’t fully understand all the intricacies of my job yet. and yesterday was embarrassing because i had to have my supervisor take over on a call because i didn’t know what i was doing. and everyone could tell i was nervous af. im looking for another job but i’m disappointed because i’ve gone through 2 jobs in less than 2 months. i have never stayed at a job for more that 1.5 years. i’m 26. i feel very incompetent. i don’t know what would be a good job for me. but the call center jobs are not my thing. it would be better if i was working remotely. i have to go back today because i have bills to pay. but i don’t know how i can make today a better day. i feel like i’m doomed to fail
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I hate life.
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I live alone, 23m and my love life is shit. I hate the fact that so many things in my life can go wrong. I just lost my fucking uncle to cancer, lost both my jobs, and can barely take care of myself, spend money on others that can't even spend half that amount, be there for you when you were going through it and you just videotape me after I get disrespected in my own apartment. you pushed for me to invite this chick even when I didn't want to invite her.
What a fucking friend you are. I was there for you spending money on expensive alcohol only for you to half-ass me back. I was there for you when some others weren't, you nudged me to invite her over, and the next day when you could obviously tell that I was going through it you walk away and videotape me at a distance.
you could say that me not taking antidepressants makes me crazy and fair enough, it makes sense. But if I had the damn choice to be social and outgoing at the cost of my entire physical health or be mildly outgoing and in a much healthier physical condition. I'd rather be without antidepressants.
Antidepressants had me weigh down to 85 lbs, experiencing seizures, insomnia, high energy, twitching, and appetite loss. you name it, I felt like shit being on pills. Even two years later after deciding that fluoxetine, St johns wort, and Xanax, I could only gain another 15 lbs.
Even on antidepressants, I tried to unalive. Me and Pills just don't get along.
I wish you weren't a fake friend to me when I never had many. It's hard for me to trust people when I was abused by my step-father my whole life. I had no choice but to work hard my whole life. I wish you were there for me when I needed you most but the only ones that were there for me when I needed them most are passing away, moving away, having kids, developing addictions, or just pushing me out of their life when I open up to them after they open up to me.
Why did you need to make fun of me and set me up like that?
I wish people were there for me like I do my best to be there for others, but double standards as a guy are a pain.
Thanks for pushing me to invite someone you planned on treating like shit with.
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Can I [ 25f] ask for more effort from my bf [25m]?
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My boyfriend and I been in a relationship for more than 5 years now. We had our ups and downs and the last year was pretty wild/ hard. He neglected our relationship due to work stress and stuff like that. He barely talked to me and only vent on me or yelled at me because he was stressed. I don’t wanna play the victim because I emotionally cheated on him after 6 months of him being emotionally unavailable. Don’t wanna blame him either because no one deserves something like that.
The last couple months I tried to talk to him about what I’m missing in our relationship. I’m a hopeless romantic. I like romantic gestures like getting flowers, holding the door open for someone, have cute cafe dates… I think you get the picture. I tried to tell him all this in a non-offensive way and more like what I personally feel like. He said that these small gestures don’t make any sense to him since the big moments like moving together, getting engaged are a lot more important than some stupid flowers. I got really sad about that system because I always try to notice what he likes and what makes him happy. For example I’m the one who’s cooking so I usually ask him what he wants for dinner/lunch and I always bring him his food to his desk. I also always buy some snacks for him when I go grocery shopping or just buy him random things to make him happy. He don’t really do stuff like that. On my birthday this year he didn’t plan anything ( like always) and when we went to the restaurant I chose, we had to hurry up eating and left after probably an hour because he forgot an important deadline for work.. it just makes me sad that I always get out of my way to show him how much I love him and I get barely anything back.
At home he barley helps me with the chores. Most of the time he’s making some comments that for example the kitchen is a mess but instead of cleaning it himself he expects me doing it because I work from home. He doesn’t bring dishes back into the kitchen and his laundry is most of the time on the floor. I know he’s busy and his job is stressful but I feel like he still could help me with small things like the dishes or laundry…
I’m just not sure if this relationship is what I really want and deserve :/ I really love him and we have our happy moments when we laugh or just be silly together but most of the time I feel like a roommate instead of a gf..
| 2 |
To radically accept oneself
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I'm a 33yr old music professor who has struggled with BPD since a child, along with numerous other medical issues.
I have never been good enough for a relationship, not even for a first date to every girl that has ever known me and thousands online. The decades of only rejection have destroyed my ability to leave my house as I have full body panic attacks if I see a girl now. My therapists say its ptsd/phobia of women, that I need positive experiences with women to fight my fear of them.
But how do you have positive experiences when your so shy and over think everything you pass out just from imagining accosting a girl? And no girl online is desperate enough to even interact with you?
Well After 8 years now of failing to make one single connection... a few months ago it finally clicked that I am supposed to be alone. I am not supposed to have a family. I am the runt. I am supposed to die off. My effort can never have value. I can never be worth love... and thats okay!
I can still enjoy my hobbies, I can still help my students, I can still achieve my phd, and beyond that my dogs love me. All I've wanted in my adult life is to not be alone and in pain, and it has taken me years to finally let those two things go.
I accept I will always be alone and in pain. Its okay. It feels so good to say that.
| 1 |
My mom's dying
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My mom's been sick 5+ years. Her kidneys gave out after after getting pumped full of hard-core antibiotics for an infection in her foot (she's severely diabetic), her left lung is damaged after a severe case of pneumonia she had over 20 years ago, and her heart is (was) only working at 35%. Last month, her cardiologist told her he was worried she was going to have another heart attack. She's been going to dialysis three times a week for about 3 years, and came home feeling weaker, and weaker. It's been hard watching her deteriorate. She wanted so badly to get back to her normal self, and couldn't accept that she was never going to be able to work, and go out like she used to. Lately, my siblings and I have been taking care of her. My sister and me put our lives on hold to help her around the house, get her to appointments, take her to run errands, and pretty much be full time caregivers. My sister still lived at home, so she picked up most of the slack, where as I live with my husband, and kids, so i was tasked with driving her everywhere. We're all tired. My dad is emotionally exhausted from seeing her slowly wither away, my sister is tired, and just wants to enjoy being in her 20's, and start her life, and I'm tired of going back and fourth (they live 30 minutes away) everyday, caring for her, and caring for my family. I've been a stay at home mom for 10 years, and planned on getting a part-time job this summer, but my mom's health began to rapidly decline, and she needed everyone's help. About two weeks ago, she had a heart attack at home, was rushed to the hospital, the airlifted to another hospital about 2 hours away. I went to see her a couple days after she arrived, and she looked terrible. The doctors had given her less than a year to live, and wanted her to go into hospice care. Another doctor intervened, and started talking about possibly getting her a heart and kidney transplant. This gave everyone hope, but I was skeptical. The following day she was transferred to another hospital, and seemed to be doing well. I went to visit her with my dad, and she had more color, was talkative, and ready to take on whatever challenges laid ahead. That gave me some hope. About a day after, she had a seizure, and had to be intubated. As soon as my dad told me this, I knew there was no hope. The following day I called my dad, and he said she was awake, and had the tube taken out of her. I called, and even though she sounded weak, she was talking. My siblings and I went to see her on Monday, and my dad met us outside the hospital and told us she had another seizure, and had to intubated again. She was sedated, but knew we were coming and wanted us there. I went to see her, and what I saw crushed me. She was hooked up to numerous machines, had a tube down her throat, tongue hanging our, and just looked terrible. I broke down and started bawling my eyes out. I knew she wasn't coming home ever again. Later, I went to say bye, and she tried talking to me with the tube in her, and it made me feel even worse. Today, my dad called and said she was on semi life support. He wants to talk to us tomorrow, and decide what we're going to do. He called me about an hour ago, and said she coded and needed to have the paddles used on her to get her heart going. I'm really sad, but I'm also relieved. We were close, and I'm going to miss her so fucking much, but I feel relief for my family. Watching someone you love deteriorate slowly is so fucking hard. My husband's trying his best to be supportive, but doesn't understand how we're feeling. I can't blame him though. It's something you have to experience to know what it feels like. Anyway, I'm not looking forward to what comes next. I'm ready to say goodbye to her, but I'm not looking forward to having to help plan her funeral. My dad and siblings aren't strong emotionally at all. My mom was, and I'm glad I took after her in that department. My dad's already saying he's going to need a lot of support, so I'm trying to not fall apart in front of everyone. The remainder of the year is going to be tough, so I hope I can pull through
| 8 |
I'm quitting my job tomorrow
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I have slowly started to hate my work and all the projects I am managing.
I am an architect and I have been dealing with very shit projects for last year.
At first they were challenging and was good for my career growth but as the construction industry struggles with inflation, more pressure is put onto everyone working.
My work has no resources and employs inexperienced people to manage projects. I'm sick of fixing people's problems and I just want to quit.
I feel guilty letting down the builder who I have developed a good relationship with but I just want to not work for a month or 2 and rethink my career choices.
| 1 |
My husband makes me out to be the bad guy for getting affected by CPTSD trigger points, and is now threatening to divorce me
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I don’t need advice nor do I need support but I just needed somewhere to vent.
My husband and I both suffer from CPTSD and I’m currently in the middle of getting therapy to recover from it. I’m not perfect; far from it. Ive done a lot of crappy things before that I regret, and I’m very volatile when my husband hits certain trigger points, two of which is (anything that even resembles) gaslighting and invalidation.
But here’s the thing, my husband very frequently says and does things that can be very invalidating. Sometimes, he literally gaslights me mid argument, claiming that I’m changing words that he said (when I’m repeating words he said word for word). I always try to tell him he’s already invalidating me (for example, telling me that severe pain I was feeling in my hands wasn’t that serious), yet he wouldn’t take me seriously. I always end up having to repeat myself and state my boundaries, only for him to keep insisting he’s just “voicing how he feels”. It’s always me “misconstruing” his words in his eyes, when I’m taking everything at face value. But when my words get misconstrued I don’t get any chance to clarify or correct myself. He accuses me of really shitty things (a lot of which I am guilty of), but never acknowledges he does the exact same things to me.
The work I do in this relationship gets minimised so much too. He works from home, and my job requires me to be out and about quite often. He often insists on doing the bulk of the housework when things are fine, but whenever I’m hurt by something he did, he’ll use that and hold it over my head. As if him taking on more housework is a trade off for me being allowed to feel hurt by his actions. A lot of his defensiveness comes from his trauma, but he never acknowledges it. Instead I’m just a bad guy and I’m ungrateful because I think he can be really invalidating.
Whenever I tell him that what he did is invalidating, he always proceeds to tell me how he didn’t intend to, and therefore I shouldn’t be so upset.
At this point he’s made me convinced I’m the bad guy cos I’m more emotionally sensitive, but I just feel numb to everything. He’s been threatening to divorce me because I get emotionally volatile, when he’s equally the same. None of this is healthy. I’ve been begging to do couples counselling but we haven’t been in the financial position to do that. And at this point, I’m just tired of constantly being told that I’m not allowed to ever feel hurt. I love him but he thinks it’s black and white. If I really “see him as my husband” I’m just not allowed to feel hurt ever.
I’m a shitty person. I know my trauma makes me hyper sensitive to any sign of danger. I know it’s problematic, and that’s why I’m in therapy. But to him, he doesn’t acknowledge any of how his actions are hurtful/his trauma projected onto me. I’m just the bad guy, and he’s the perfect good guy in his eyes
| 0 |
I have a love-hate relationship with my mom.
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This isn't proofread and English isn't my first language, so I'm sorry if this barely makes any sense.
I (17m) have had a lot of trouble accepting this. To put it bluntly: my dad is shit. Fucking dogshit. Was always busy with work, manipulative,... The typical toxic dad stuff. Because of that, i've always felt the need to put my mom on a pedestal. After all, if i didn't have my dad, i at least needed my mom right? Until I realized she's not the ideal mom.
I wanna start by saying that she's not toxic or manipulative. The reason I kind of took her off her pedestal is for a number of reasons.
First of all, she's old. This feels bad to just say so bluntly, but she's old. Like I said earlier, I'm 17, and she's currently 53 years old. What hurts me the most is that I see her physique going down. She already had knee and back problems when we went on a 5 day trip to London. She starts forgetting things. Her hearing is getting worse. And I'm here just witnessing it. Not to mention that she used to have anorexia, which means her physique wasn't that great to begin with. I don't even wanna think about how old I'll be when she dies. That sounds cruel, but it's something I've been thinking about a lot.
It's not only my mom; my siblings are twice my age. They're already out of the house. Now I know, there are other families where there's only one child, but I grew up with them all my life and now they suddenly don't live with us anymore. It gets lonely.
When I was younger, I used to do stuff with my mom. We used to go to theme parks together. She drove me to my guitar lessons and afterwards we'd go get a hot chocolate before heading back home. We don't do stuff like that anymore. I will admit that partially it's my fault. I'm spending a lot of time with my friends. But even when i am home, we never do anything. And I guess it's also her age, or something else, but she doesn't like doing most things. Classic summer things to do like swimming, a beach day, going mini-golfing, playing pool? Nope. She doesn't do any of that. So what is there left to do? Go to a café and drink something together? We've been doing that for 17 years.
Sometimes when I watch a movie I can't help but feel jealous of those families. A dad that's actually involved with the family. The siblings still live at home. The mom does fun things with the kids. And then I feel bad for feeling that way. I get that my mom tries her best, and I see that. But instead of doing things with me, she pays for my oculus. She pays for my stuff when I go out with friends. Of course, I appreciate all that. I really do. But I'd rather do fun mother-son stuff with her than have her pay for stuff I order.
The last thing I'm gonna talk about is that she doesn't work. She gets money from this weird plan for stay-at-home moms after a divorce (I don't really understand how it works if you couldn't already tell). Thing is, I don't understand what's stopping her from getting a job. If it's the chores, I've already told her I can start helping out. She just doesn't want to. But because of this, we live in a really small, old house. I can't help but feel embarrassed when my friends come over, because compared to their house my house is nothing. When two people are in the kitchen, it's already crowded. It's hard to watch TV here because our TV is so small. Every floor creaks, the doors creak, the stairs creak. The walls are... definitely something. Then, again, I feel jealous of my friends' houses where you can walk around without making too much noise. With a bigger hallway. With a bigger TV and kitchen. Now that I'm typing this out I'm realizing how greedy I sound, but it's something I've longed for ever since the divorce.
Again, she's a great mom. She supported me for being trans, helped me through the divorce. But sometimes it all gets too much when I see her grow old and watch movies with younger moms doing fun stuff with the kids. And it feels so wrong to say all this about her, because I love her. Thanks for reading if you read all the way until the end.
| 1 |
Idk what to do
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My wife and I are currently Ithe process of a separation. She says she needs time to be on her own and figure out what she wants. I know she's talking to another guy and she says it's not about him but im sure its not. I just don't know if I should go no contact when she moves out, to give her the space she asked for. Unless it's for our child or if I should still message her here and there knowing she's talking to someone else.
| 1 |
I lost my fiancee and I'm still paying for it.
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My fiancee (32F) broke up with me (29M) 5 months ago and still paying for it. It all started when I wanted to change careers and quitting my previous job without a backup job to catch me. I tirelessly looked for a job day and night trying to find a company that can take me but to no avail. From days to weeks to months I still wasn't able to find a suitable job. While I was doing this I did not realize that my fiancee was growing impatient and losing hope. She was out on a business trip with colleagues. All was well and I was taking care of one of her dogs and was doing a decent job at it. When all of a sudden I felt something different. She became a little bit distant and was asking me questions about how are we going to pay for the wedding and what will she say to her relatives.
On a Hot day of march I received a call from her tell me to immidately come to her home about something important. I felt a sudden pain in my chest. After being with her for a while now I knew something was very off. the next day I rushed to her home but before I left the house I jokingly told my brother this was either me coming back home with all my clothes packed or I won't be coming home for a very long time.
When I got to her house I heard a voice from upstairs to come up. My instincts we're going crazy telling me this was not good. As I came up the stairs I saw her crying and kept saying that she was sorry. My heart immidiately sank screaming in the back of my mind "No no no no no... this is not happening". I let her calm down and speak as she was talking about She can't support me forever and she had to choose between focusing on her career and building a family with me. she choose the career she spent her life in building. A part of me died, all the sweet and loving memories and my plan for the family we we're building was burning right infront of my eyes.
I lived with 7 other brothers so showing emotions was a sign of weakness but in that moment the woman that showed and gave me happiness, joy and love. Also gave me the sadest and most painful moment in my life. I was so overwhemled with emotions that I cried for the first time. I never remembered the last time I cried. It was such a vaulnerable moment. I tried to talk myself out of crying and said it was unatural but everytime I realize everything that I knew and loved was about to go away. I tried to negotiate knowing well that I love her with all my heart and we can fix it even going far as negotiating to not jave children in the future.
I had no other place to go at the time so I still stayed the night. I also prayed that this was just a dream and I want to wake up from it or wake up after an accident. As I was being driven to the nearest bus station with my clothes packed I wanted this nightmare to end and when I got in the bus silent tears fell down forcing to say goodbye for the very last time.
I went to my parents home bags in hand. No one said a thing no comforting no nothing just an advise to sleep it out. A week after that I tried to still be friends with her chatted etc. That was quickly dismissed after drunk messaging her that I still loved her and was mad at her for leaving me.
Now after 5 months I still love my memories of her and how she was my savior. We still had some unpaid things so she messages me about it. I'm still loking for a job living off freelance and oddjobs. I hate the feeling that maybe she was right to leave me.
edit: she was sick and tired of financially assisting me and was in a lot of stress and pressure. She fell out of love the moment I did not have a paying job. The reason behind my career shift was I wanted to spend more time with her because in a previous job I keep traveling and not spending much time with her.
| 1 |
I am annoyed by my best friend’s success.
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We first met about 12 years ago when I started a job at a company he worked for. He’s a good guy. A good dad. A good friend. The laziest, shittiest worker you can possibly imagine.
He ended up getting fired from that job for being lazy. I was genuinely concerned for his family because I couldn’t imagine an other company tolerating his shit work ethic for as long as the last company did.
Never the less, I got him a job sitting down all day with the new company I was working for, in hopes that he could handle it. He was fired in 6 months for being lazy.
This was exactly the same time that COVID started and he ended up riding that unemployment train for as long as he could. I was still concerned about his family, but I was glad he was gonna have to man up and work hard if he wanted to take care of his family, and I know he does.
Then he got a job manning a store by himself. When I’m in the area, I’ll drop by for a bit. Done it at least 30 times. Every single time I walk in he’s either snoring, watching Netflix, or playing games on his phone. He thinks he’s slick and I didn’t notice, but one time I walked in on him jerking off. I’ve never once popped in and caught him working.
His office constantly smells like cigarettes and B.O. The trash can is always overflowing. The carpet has never been vacuumed. His desk is sticky. And the warehouse looks like a tornado tore through it.
And through it all, he’s consistently getting raises and promotions. He’s gone from clerk, to supervisor, and now he’s operations manager. And now he feels like he made it. His laziness and lack of effort has finally paid off.
I always wanted him to succeed. But I wanted him to do it through hard work. Now I wonder if I’m the one doing the wrong thing and busting my ass for everything I have. I don’t necessarily want to work hard either. I just thought I had to. Now I’m wondering if I didn’t.
| 1 |
im tired of having hispanic parents sometimes
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hi, i dont really know how reddit works but i just wanted to let off some steam because im just so tired these days.
I (18F) have been working with my parents ever since middle school and i hate itt. I don't willing go help them either because i depend on my parents and basically being forced to go. Ever since I got my first official job that I actually get paid for, my dad keeps forcing me to go help him every night to clean a theater and its so tiring. Going around 2 am or 6 am to clean that stupid is so draining, why even bother making me get a job in the first place if you just going to make me help you work even more. I'm just so damn tired of this bullshit, I don't even know to get out of it since I've been doing it for such a long time.
It's so common too with hispanic parents, from what I've noticed. Using their own kids as employee because they also worked when they were young. Basically if they worked when they were a kid, you have to do the same type of mindset. I don't get why parents do that.
Thank you for reading if you haven't got tired from my stupid rant, i'm just reallly tired these days.
| 3 |
What does being crazy actually mean? Is it just being different than others? What does the average person mean when they call someone the word crazy? Also, why do they care so much about random strangers? How does me being crazy aka different because of my severe mental illness affect them?
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Why is being crazy aka different considered bad? Humans are not like other animals, we are rational animals. So stop acting like a dog. We are long over the stone age era.
| 3 |
I am bored with my life
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I have enough. Family , financial stability and work, food , home. The only thing I don't have much are quality friends and a SO. I have enough to be happy and yet I am not. Ever since this girl did not like me in the end, my happiness and satisfaction in life has gone downhill. I have been like this for 4 months now. I don't know if this feeling will end. I workout and it helps but not enough to make me enjoy life. I just want to be okay. Not happy or sad just okay. Part of me wants to die am scared. I am realizing more and more I have no connection with anyone. I don't feel any kind of love or connection with my family. My friends are okay but not the best. I want to go to therapy but it is expensive. I am lost.
| 1 |
I don’t see the point anymore
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I lost my 15 month old puppy very suddenly and I’m struggling to accept it and see the point of life.
This puppy was my entire world. I won’t really get into the whole sob emotional story of why he means so much to me as I feel the more I read about life the more I see stories of parents who lost their child, partner, parent etc. a lot of people have grieved suddenly. However I’ve just not accepted my loss. My heart is broken, the joy of life is lost and it’s only getting worse. It’s been over 3 weeks and every day the fog has just gotten thicker and thicker.
I have a son, I have a husband. I love them both very much but it’s not changing anything. It’s not giving me a reason to keep going. It should be but it’s not. I just feel they’d be perfectly fine without me anyway whereas I’m not fine without my best friend, my soulmate. My dog. He was my everything. I just love the idea of being in the afterlife with him for eternity watching down on everyone.
I’ll never do anything. I’ve never been an anxious or depressed person. I’ve never had suicidal thoughts and I don’t even think of killing my self now. I just think of it all being over and being reunited with my soulmate for eternity.
I have no doubt I sound crazy but when someone you love and care for as much as I did him, someone you’re responsible for in keeping healthy and safe (and I did everything in my power to do that) but I somehow failed. Life loses meaning or purpose. If they can take him from me when I tried so so hard then I don’t see the point.
Sorry, this makes no sense but just had to get it out. If I said this to anyone in my real life I’d be hauled off to an institution and it’s not necessary. I’m not a risk to myself or anyone I’m just fed up and ready for it all to be over.
| 3 |
Living in "a world without behavior" is not really a chaotic wonderland.
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I (28m) know why I want to see a world "without behavior". I am tired of trying to be "perfect". I understand it takes the to grow, my parents (54m and 53f) force me to act mature, even though I know how to comprehend the difference of good and bad. When I try to address the problem and ask them for improvement, they refuse to speak about "improving my maturity". I understand that my parents are not easy people of they're going to be too judgemental and refuse to discuss my behavior.
The one episode that still bugs me is the time where I called the little room under the stairs the "prayer closet" at my cousin's old house. I understand that while locking a child in the closet is bad, why does my mom think that nicknaming rooms is immature? I did ask her why she thinks so, but she refuses to discuss this. This shows that my mom is not an easy person.
We all get that "the world of no behavior" wouldn't be too chaotic.
| 1 |
Wife don't know
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I am 35 man who is married and I never told my wife that I am bi curious, get off and on reddit and I and a guy has jack off together and more and more I think about it I really want to try it with a couple or maybe a guy like me that curious too.
Am I wrong for it
| 1 |
AI has Taken the Joy Out of My Work
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I’m just really frustrated right now and I don’t have anyone to vent to at the moment. I’ll get over it, eventually.
I work in communications for a nonprofit, and I also write music and create art in my spare time. I’m working on a large project and need a title for it (it’s public-facing), so I asked my team for input.
They suggested using ChatGPT to come up with a title. No other suggestions or ideas were thrown out. It was kind of the straw that broke the camel’s back for me.
I’ve fought for so long against using AI because from a creative standpoint, it’s plagiarizing creatives big and small, and I care about the effort it takes to create something whether it’s serious or just for fun.
I’m aware that using AI to come up with a project title within the scope of our brand is a little thing and it shouldn’t be bothering me this much, but it just feels like the tip of the iceberg.
| 1 |
I feel wasted
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I(19M) had been in a relationship with this girl(we’ll call her H) for about 8 months. She was my first everything, and at the time that we were dating I thought she was the one.
When we first started dating, we just clicked. We met through a mutual friend of ours, and things took off right away. But, a little while went by and she started hanging out more with this guy(we’ll call him G) that I knew was a friend of a friend of mine, and a childhood friend of hers, and it started becoming every single day that she would hang out with him.
When I noticed this becoming a pattern, I was curious to know if G was going through a lot and just needed a circle of friends to be around but she said no. And there were photos of them hanging out at the mall and stuff, mostly chill except for one where both him and her were handcuffed to each other and it was posted to her Snapchat story.
That’s when I started feeling uncomfortable about their bond. I had tried to express concern, and she told me that I had nothing to worry about and that he’s like a brother to her. I figured this was true since they had been friends since 6th grade. She wanted me to grow close with him so we could be good friends.
Fast forward about a month, I had a lot of family things go on and the only place I could live was at her house. That only lasted a few weeks before I found out from the mutual friend that H and I met through that during an argument that me and H had over text, she was hanging out with the mutual friend group and said “you know what, I can say fuck you to OP and get d**k from B”.
After that was found out, I moved out, and I had moved in with my friend’s family who lived across the country. On that note, the mutual friend also warned me about G and H’s bond. But, my dumb self decided to stay with her long-distance. This is where things got really intense.
G wanted H to be his gym buddy, and I didn’t feel comfortable with that. And so I confronted H about how uncomfortable I feel added onto what our mutual friend said. She responded by saying that it is all in my head, and that I need to trust her. I still didn’t feel comfortable with it and it was a huge boundary that I set where she can go with him but I won’t be together with her if she does. To which she said I was being too controlling, which I might’ve been.
I sacrificed so much of my time with this woman. While I was in another state, I set so much time aside that I could so I could talk to her. I missed events that I wish I didn’t with friends because she wanted me to spend time with her. She wanted me to come back up to my home state, and she even paid for my flight to come back. I did so, but it was the biggest waste of my time.
When I got there, G and H picked me up from the airport and we spent time for a bit before I got to the house with her. G and I had made plans to hang out but they never followed through, which at the time I thought he was my friend because we grew kinda close. The days followed where pretty much everyday she went to hang out with G, and I would ask to join and she always said no. I asked why and she said that he knew that me and H’s relationship was kinda weirdly built, which isn’t incorrect but mildly odd to me.
I started having enough when I was about 3 days away from going on an internship out of state for another 3 months and her and G went to go watch a movie and it was the same movie that I expressed to her that I wanted to watch with her. That very same evening I asked if she wanted to watch a movie with me and she declined, but her and G went to the movie theater without telling me. Eventually I just had enough, and I went on my internship and she wanted me to come back and said that she regrets not spending much time with me and I was sick of it. 3 weeks go by and she broke up with me.
I felt very upset, and it was greatly hindering my performance on my internship. I sacrificed so much to make sure she was happy and it just went to waste. Fast forward 2 weeks(yesterday), and I find out that H and G got together.
I feel so betrayed and thrown out, and so disrespected but I don’t know if it’s right to think that it was disrespectful. She had told me for MONTHS that they were like brother and sister, and that I am being too controlling over my gut feeling. That it was all in my head. And now I’m so furious and relieved to know that it wasn’t in my head.
G was there the day that H and I had went on a date that helped me determine that I loved H. G had bought me gifts and helped me moved my stuff out when times were getting tough. I don’t know how to feel, or if my feelings are right to just be furious and heartbroken and betrayed.
| 1 |
I wasted a quarter of my life
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When I was a kid and into my teenage and very early 20s, I was a people-pleaser. Usually for most people that stops once you hit 12-15, or even some younger years. But I didn’t.
I spent the first part of my life dedicated to others. I would change my entire self, personality, likes and dislikes, and fake a different value system at times just so avoid people not liking me; or causing conflict with them. I was stuck in the belief that if I acted like myself I would cause issues.
Where did this come from? Parents who were critical of the way I did things. Friends who suppressed my personality and told me how to act “right”. Partners who wanted me to act in certain ways. I just never stopped. I learned first that I needed to be different than who I really was and it took me around 10 years to genuinely face myself, my values, beliefs, and how I was protecting myself by not allowing myself to shine through, the real me..
When you spend your time with others changing the way you are, and you do that for every single person you meet- it wears on you. It destroys your soul. It may even change who you actually are in extreme cases. I hate the person I became suppressing who I was. I was a shell of a person, living for other people. I would only show few who I really was, but even then it was tweaked.
I faced a burnout. I was so stretched thin trying to do this for so many people I began to think I had multiple personalities. I still continued and numbed myself with vices to avoid facing the massive sign showing me my real issue. I hit a patch in my depression recently where I faced all of this. I deconstructed layers and layers on my own in my head, it took me two months to finally get back to me.
I’m done. I’m done living for other people, changing who I am for what they want me to be. I will be myself first, support myself first, and let my true self grow and change without amending it for others.
| 1 |
I’m the family disappointment
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I love my family but I’m not like them in anyway. All of them have talents but I’m not good at anything really, they have all been in relationships and then there’s me who has known nothing but loneliness for the past 4 years. Hell i don’t even look like them, they all have better and brighter skin then me. They all have accomplishments to be proud of, I’m still in school so I’ll be graduating at 19 years old. They are very supportive but most times i genuinely feel like it don’t deserve people this good. I’m the youngest out of everyone and they all just see me as the baby I’m sure they don’t expect much anyways. I hurts even more because i just want them to look at me and be proud but right now i don’t even know if they look at me and like what they see.
| 1 |
I want to post my victim impact statement online
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My husband (married 23 years, in the process of divorce) was sentenced to max security prison last month for a minimum of 8 years. He was a respected member of the community and volunteered in a leadership role at our church. Was in a high management role at a healthcare facility.
We were in a religious cult for decades (since I was a little girl, he joined when he was around 21). I met him through the church. Our whole life was the church. When I started to pull away from the cult mentality and try to protect my children he went psycho. I had tried to hide his messed up quirks for years, but when I stopped going to church and forcing the kids during the beginning of Covid he went nuclear.
After about a year and a half I got an order of protection and left. At first he could see the kids, but they quickly became afraid of him and he went from a closeted drug user to abusing substances so badly that his workplace put him on a leave. Through all of this the church community supported him and shunned me (and our children).
Not a big deal if it was about Sunday attendance, but these were my only friends and people I was allowed to know since I was a child.
He made our lives awful. Broke into my apartment and turned on the propane, bugged my apartment and car, put GPS trackers on the kids and my car, stole $, blew through $100k in 5 months…
We had so many sleepless nights where he was sending death threats, he “prophesied” about me dying, threatened the kids, his drug dealers called me threatening to “roll up” on me and the kids if I didn’t pay his tab. He kept leaving the state and calling the police to taunt them over active warrants in his name. He was finally caught in another state when he made death threats to the senior partner in a law firm.
During all of this I was silent. He posted hundreds and hundreds of live videos saying awful lies about me. Posted my name and phone number AND OUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER’s info all over the internet soliciting sex acts.
My family has no idea how much he did. The church community doesn’t know—but they supported him in spite of his crazy internet rants. My coworkers saw some of his posts because he tried to friend request all of them. He humiliated me and alienated me and my children from normalcy.
Church people reached out to condemn me (sometimes publicly) and tell me I was going to hell and sending my children to hell by not supporting their father.
He was sentenced to prison last month and I spoke at his sentencing. I had one close friend there to support me. Between the people I worked with at the district attorney’s office and the folks on the daily court docket, there were probably 25 lawyers, officers and court personnel there who heard my statement. The judge said it was the most impactful statement he’s heard in his 30+ year career. Nobody in my life knows what he has put me through.
I want to post my statement online so they have HALF of a clue of how bad it was. I know I shouldn’t because my children and his family would see it and it would hurt them. I know I don’t need the validation, but I still feel so harshly judged.
| 16 |
I'm jealous of my own daughter.
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My daughter is fourteen. She had a baby last year. My grandson is beautiful and my daughter is an amazing mother. And it makes me so irrationally angry.
I am in therapy. I'm doing the right things. I just look at her being an amazing mother and all I feel is rage.
How come she - a girl who gave birth at *thirteen years old* - is a better mother than me? She's a child. Her brain isn't developed. And yet here she is, cooking meals for him. Breastfeeding with no issue, doing every night wake up and not complaining about it. He hardly ever cries because she's so attentive.
She isn't going back to school, but she has her own buisness running. Her boyfriend works most days and is knuckling down to go to college. Their son wants for nothing.
And here I am. I was never able to be her. And I was married, a grown adult - I had no real patience for my children and I'm so angry that I never got to be a good parent.
She's so much better than I could ever be and I'm so proud of her, but the jealousy burns deep.
| 1 |
I am tired of being a tag along.
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This is not about being a third wheel so don’t worry about this being yet another relationship drama thing.
I’ve (23M) been on holiday with some family friends. Those family friends are much closer to by brother than they are to me.
They’re perfectly good people but I have grown tired of my brother (21M) giving short a snide remarks whenever I do something oh so slightly wrong or embarrassing in front of them.
Yes I know, a brother 2 years older is getting beaten up by his younger. How pathetic.
But I don’t want to embarrass him. Like I don’t want to cause drama. But I just despise how I feel like, I’m not part of the group. I haven’t got friends of my own here. Hell I barely have friends at all thanks to my childhood days of being in school being cruel beyond belief.
Like I want to feel as though my company is valued but I just feel like I’ve tolerated so much passive aggression. I can’t stand it anymore. So now on the last day of the holiday I’m in my hotel room alone at 4pm.
I don’t want to be alone and I’m in a beautiful place but It hurts so much more to keep trying and trying and trying to feel like what I’m giving to the group is something valuable. Something that makes them laugh and enjoy my company.
While the family friends seem receptive to it. My brother just keeps seeming to gatekeep it even though we’ve talked in the past about things like this before.
I’m just upset. Haven’t spoken to anyone all day about it so thank you for just giving me the air time. I don’t exactly need solutions right now but would appreciate it if anyone could maybe relate and help me feel a little less alone
| 2 |
Broken Promises
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The short of it is I purchased a Walleye Rod that broke under normal circumstances. Rod was discontinued but was told that they would find something comparabale. Sent photos and invioce as requested to the Oshawa location. Return communication is and was like advoidance. Last communication from Rapala was that are not going to do anything for me. Any similar experiences out there? It doesnt sit well with me and want to continue to pursue up the ladder. WDYT?
| 1 |
I unironically believe in UFO Religions
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Ive never believed in god, Like ever.
My only belief is that when I die, I will be reincarnated as an sexy alien queen and we will take over the earth together.
Its been on my mind every day and I love it, Expect to see me come back somewhere in 2080, When I am frail and old, and then when I am dead, Everyone will see what my plans are.
| 2 |
Almost Killed By My Own Brother
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Yeah, felt like getting this off my chest obviously. This was way back then, it's just a blurry memory now but it still remains in my mind even till this day. I (F) was probably like 6 or 7 when this happened, just got home from school and got off the bus after it arrived at my house, like y'know a typical day for lil' young me back then.
Before I continue, I have to mention that back then, my parents worked abroad and I had three brothers. One was still out for school, the other out for work, and lastly, the eldest was unemployed and was the only one who stayed in the house, well technically not only him, but my auntie was also staying by our house, to sort of take care of us while our parents weren't there, by doing the chores and etc.
So that meant at that day, the only ones who were in the house was me, my auntie, and my eldest brother. Now I'll continue, I of course go inside the house and took off my shoes, and hung my bag. And then I saw my auntie.
Everything with my auntie is just blurry, I don't really remember what she said or what I did but she was mad at me, either about something about school or about my shoes probably since she threw my shoes at me angrily and went upstairs to calm herself down.
I was a fragile child back then and cried so much. I was still a child back then, I wouldn't understand anything at that sort of age yet. But I do wonder what my auntie said to make me cry so much. And yeah, I cried like nonstop. To the point, I was so loud that my eldest brother woke up.
And this is when it happened.
My brother woke up and was obviously in a bad mood, especially since I kept crying and crying so loudly. It angered him, making him try to shut me up by covering both my mouth and nose with his whole palm, it did shut me up but it suffocated me. I couldn't breath. I was so terrified back then. I thought he wasn't going to let me breath, he kept his hand right on my face, I thought I was going to die.
But fortunately, he withdrew his hand and told me to shut up and stop crying before going to the bathroom. I immediately went upstairs, too scared that it may happen again if I stayed there. I told everything to my auntie, and oh boy.. what she did was just unbelievable. She laughed at me, and told me I deserved it.
How did I deserve it? I was a child back then, instead of comforting me, she had the audacity to laugh at me as though I deserved such a near death experience.
Till today, no one knows about that day. I didn't tell anyone, I don't really have the courage to tell that to anyone, who knows what would happen to our family if someone finds out?
And about that same brother that almost killed me? Well, we're sort of buds now, probably my favorite brother out of all my brothers, yeah I know he almost killed me back then but at this sort of time.. it doesn't really matter. He may not remember what he did, but I do, it still lingers in my mind.
And my auntie, she stopped taking care of us. I don't know where is she now but I don't really think of her anymore.
This is just a memory that I cannot forget and I just randomly remember at times. That's it.
| 1 |
Sick of looking young
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I am a 21 year old woman but I look like I’m 12. I’ve had people say I look 11 to 16, but everyone agrees I do NOT look my age. Its pretty much just because I’m just short, have a chubby face, and not a very developed body. It’s the worst combination to have. I wouldnt care except for the fact that no one respects me until I tell them my age, and even then they are more condescending to me than other people.
For example I recently moved to a new place and my coworkers were telling me about the night life there. Someone mentioned a specific, exclusive club and another woman immediately commented that I shouldn’t go there. I asked why, and she said “it is not the type of place for a little girl like you”. I was like, excuse me? She knew I was 21 and she still said that. She would never say that to another 21 year old who looks their age. It’s just because I look like a child that she thinks I can’t go to certain clubs. And the worst part is that she’s right. Ever since I was 18, I’ve never had fun in clubs because the bouncers almost never let me in and even if they do, people always look at me weird and I never get approached by men. I have had multiple boyfriends, I know I’m not ugly. I just look young.
Maybe I’m dramatic but it actually makes me want to never leave the house. Why do people care so much? Why can’t people just stop making assumptions about my appearance?
I can’t even find anyone who relates to me because most people don’t view looking young as a problem. Still, I hate it so so much. I don’t feel like a woman.
Tl;Dr: I have no doubt I’m wasting my 20’s because I look like I never even left my teens. It’s impacting my social life and even my career because recruiters don’t take me seriously. I hate it.
| 2 |
Feeling alone when with people
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i dont know where to start from but I am finding it so emotionally draining recently that i can not form conversation when with people. so there are these two people at work that i get along with. and whenever im with them, I just talk a lot. But today, I was in my shift with both of them - and I just couldnt form a conversation, they both were having conversations and stuff but i found myself very quiet. And also it gets so awkward. But idk i feel that im more lonely when i am with people than when i am with myself.
| 1 |
My roommate just got arrested for choking her boyfriend
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Last night I could hear my roommate verbally degrading her boyfriend which sadly enough is pretty normal and I didn’t think much of it since she normally does it as a way of humiliating him since she knows people are listening. I couldn’t bare listening anymore and decided to blast the TV but then I hear her getting physical and I can hear her choking him while he’s sobbing and begging her to stop. I began to panic wondering if I should intervene or just call 911 since I wanted to stop it from happening right away and was genuinely scared my roommate wasn’t fine. He is genuinely a nice guy and isn’t deserving of being treated that way but I also didn’t want to ruin her life since her career requires having a clean record. I don’t know why I still feel guilty and like I made the wrong choice but I can’t unhear him squealing and begging her to stop choking him.
Did I do the right thing?
Just for clarification, the whole ordeal went on for about 30 minutes until the cops came and intervened, she was beating him as well.
Edit: I was the one who called the cops once I heard it get more violent
I also turned the TV up because I wanted him to think I couldn’t hear anything which I thought would make him less embarrassed and humiliated, it wasnt trying to drown out the abuse, sounds dumb now but that’s how I was thinking at the time.
Edit for those who can’t see my comments: She ended up lying about having her parents come to pick her up and ended up taking off with the boyfriend and their belongings violating her court order of no contact, I am trying to locate the boyfriend and inform the police but haven’t had any luck, I really hope she doesn’t do anything to him
| 3,754 |
I almost showed my dick to my friends
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So I was playing cards with some friends today, and it got pretty heated, so in my adrenaline I downed my pants just a little bit saying "suck my dick", but I think I downed them a bit too much, because I ended up showing a bit of my pubes, all of my friends (all male) started laughing and saying I was disgusting. Then some of our female friends came in the room and my male friends told them what had happened, so my female friends started teasing me and laughing. I tried to defend myself by saying that they must've saw wrong, because my underwear was also black. I actually didn't pull my pants down all that much, but it was too much anyways. So now I'm really embarrassed and afraid that they might tell other people.
Sorry for any English mistakes, it's my second language
| 0 |
[ Removed by Reddit ]
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[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the [content policy](/help/contentpolicy). ]
| 0 |
I tried committing suicide after my breakup
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Its been roughly a month since my breakup with my first love and it has been a living hell. Some information about my past before I dive into this: Ive had an autoimmune disease for over 15 years and am currently 20. Had always struggled to find and maintain friends of any kind and even now would only consider one person in my life as a close friend. Ive had to deal with being left alone a lot as friends in the past that I considered my Ride or Die ended up ghosting me. My family is a mess and I did turn to the internet at a young age to just find "friends". Again, met some horrible horrible people but also my current ex. We started talking roughly after my chemo and stem cell transplant and were really good friends for roughly 2 years. After that we both noticed (after meeting up) that we had feelings and started dating. It lasted for 9 months and we had rough pathes as he never really opened up to me and in the end showed me I was "just an option".
Ive been suicidal for a long time, my first attempt being with 14 and ever since then being very close at times. Especially this relationship at times has brought me to the edge often and in the end, as much as it pained me, I had to let go off him. Ive never been at such a low point in life, with not having any friends besides 1, having no support at home whatsoever and having lost the person I loved and talked to for months out of nowhere.
This morning, I tried killing myself by stabbing myself, but while contemplating, my mum came home early (which she never does) and I couldnt do it anymore.
I have been in therapy for over 5 years and havent been very honest with my therapist. Havent told her the times I hurt myself and my suicidal thoughts at all. Im scared of being judged as I technically "earned my life" back 3 years ago by chemo and stem cell. I am sure people see it as silly that Id even consider this after my first breakup, but having once felt the feeling of being somewhat important to someone and then that feeling suddenly disappearing has just been unbearable.
I dont even know where I was going with this, I jist think I had to let it off my chest.
| 2 |
Had to shave my thigh hairs when to tattoo over the self harm scars today. Seeing them clearly has affected me way than I thought.
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As the title says, yesterday I got thigh tattooed, and as a guy that has a bit of leg hair, the scars have been mostly covered for a very long time. At the tattoo studio they shaved my thigh to tattoo it, and since then, even with the tattoo a lot of scars I’ve repressed are very very clear and visible.
As happy as I am about the tattoo, this has been on my mind and I feel stupid mentioning it to my friends or partner. I just really want some hair to grow back to feel protected and less exposed. Sad to feel the same shame I did when I was 16 although I haven’t relapsed in a while and for a completely different reason.
Just needed to get it out, thanks for listening.
| 32 |
My cat was killed by a dog
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We’ve had her since our original cat gave birth to her six years ago. She was the sweetest. I don’t know what to do.
| 1 |
Someone I deeply cared about has been lying to me
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As stated above- I have a very close friend from work who’s been systematically lying about a couple big issues over the past year. I trusted her with things and she misused that trust and lied to me about it. She even made up cover lies to ensure she wouldn’t be found out.
She says she deeply respects and truly cares about me; but I don’t think that’s how someone who cares acts, and honestly now I’m looking back at everything I trusted her with and feeling like an absolute fool.
I’m deeply hurt and don’t really know how to handle this.
| 2 |
I think they all hate me
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This isn’t paranoia anymore, i know they do. They act so differently than they used to, they uninvite me from things and always hangout without me. Apart from that they’re tone always sounds mad towards me. Someone who i considered a very close friend decided to not have me be a part of her quinceanera after saying i would be because i was a close friend. It shouldn’t make me feel bad but the pain in my chest i felt when i saw the text pop up on my phone saying i wasn’t one anymore was unbearable. My friends constantly make me feel like they’re conspiring against me. This may be paranoia from last year when they all left me, telling me i was a “not so nice word” and they didn’t like me anymore. Obviously now we’ve made up but it doesn’t feel real anymore. I feel that they want to leave me for good but since i’ve had a past with suicidal tendencies and self harm they “don’t wanna be responsible” If i ever do anything. It just hurts man, hurts never knowing if someone likes you or not, knowing any moment they could leave you.
| 3 |
My dad is dying
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My wife and I live 25 minutes from my dad. Every week I make a trip to the dump for my dad and his wife. I built him a raised garden bed because it gave him a sense of purpose. He also cooked as much as he could so he didn't feel useless all while in his wheelchair. About 2 months ago I finished pouring concrete around his garden so he wouldn't get stuck in in the mud in his chair. A week later he said he wants more concrete. I drive to his house, slightly irritated, and ask where he needs more concrete. He points to random places and mumbles. I asked him to repeat what he said. Thats when i realized he was mentally "checked out" and couldnt be irritated with his crazy request for more concrete. I recorded some of our talks so i could show his wife. Prior to the concrete pouring, most days he would forget what he was going to say or forget what plans were the day. To me that's what I had accepted as dementia. This was a whole other animal I had never seen.
Example:
Dad: I'm gonna order food.
Me: what are you going to get?
Dad: some lasagna or stuffed shells
Me: where you gonna order from?
Dad: the lead singer had his hair behind his ears but I wanna see lynyrd skynyrd too. I heard their cover band is really good.
Last week everyone was at our house for a cookout. He seemed as normal as any other day. 4 days ago, same as any other day. Yesterday, I get a message saying he's fading and gurgling. We don't expect him to make it through the weekend. He weighs 105 lbs and looks like he's ready to go. I don't want him to go but his lungs are filling with fluid and will essentially drown or suffocate. I'm not sure if he's in pain or not, but he refuses to go to the hospital. He wants to die at home. My sister (FL), my daughter (TX) and his brother (IL) are all on the road trying to get here to say goodbye. It's crazy how fast he has declined in the past 48 hours. I can't imagine him gone. I wish I had been a better son or made him proud of something I've done. I'm numb. I could cry but trying not to. My mind is all over the place just waiting for him to pass. ALS and dementia can both fuck off.
Passed at 19:17 love you dad. Til we meet again
| 1 |
A guy not having a good relationship with his Mother isn’t a red flag
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Recently I’ve been seeing many videos of females asking guys things like “how’s your relationship with your mother” as if that’s a dealbreaker when the answer is anything other than “good/great”.
If my mother was physically and mentally abusive, abandoned me young, and literally never contacts me, how is that my fault?
| 24 |
Afraid for having an unknown contagious disease that the medicine isn't familiar with.
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Hello redditors, I need some advices or maybe a little bit support.
On September 2022 I had partially unprotected sex with a sex worker (oral without a condom). I'll say now that I had all the possible STDs tests multiple times and also after 8 months and plenty of regular blood tests and everything was fine! , I will point out that two of my friends had sex with her too but nothing happened to them, we did this separately.
The moment I went out from this place something attacked my stomach and I immediately was convicted she infected me with an STD, I was a little bit afraid about that for a few days, but after that I relaxed.
The day after the exposure I had really bad night sleep and weird diarhhea. I've read after that about the symptoms of various STDs and let it go for a while.
1 week later I had a severe testicle pain, really bad, I've never had such pain in my testicles, the doctors found nothing in the ultrasound check.
3 weeks after the nightmare has began, I started to feel a bit sore throat and in that night I had this really bad insomnia, every day I went to sleep and always was waking up two hours later, my body was shaking very hard and I couldn't stop it, I went to vomit in the second night that it began, after that I had a runny nose for a small amount of time and then I realized some weird symmetrical 3 little bumps in each side of my frenulum (under the back side of penis head). They are there till today and doctors told me it's fine but I know that it wasn't there before the exposure.
I always was checking my blood pressure and everything was fine, a couple of days after my mouth went completely dry no matter how much water I drink, had a serious anxiety attack (I'm not an anxious person), painfull neck, back pain, dry and bleeding lips, at night when I'm not sleeping drinking water and after every glass I drink Immediately going to pee (frequent urination), weird rash on feet and even one time I had white stools.
I always had a strange feeling that something bad is going to happen and I'm going to sleepwalk and kill someone while sleepwalking, had always really strange coincidences happening.
I thought I should go and pray to god always and this is the only thing that I should do and if I wouldn't do it I will die or I will hurt someone (without wanting it). I was convinced that there is a big war between the good and the evil in our world and I am a big part of it, one day I ran barefoot in the forest next to my house and I'm sure I stepped on a lot of thorny bushes, but when I came home my foot were clean as hell without any injuries, the peak of that was that I heard someone is walking in my house of the upper floor and when I got up there, there was no one there and also I smelled a strong smell of lead. I went outside at night and a voice appeared in my head ( I thought it was God) and ordered me to go to a specific place in the woods, when I came to that place I sat on the grass and in my left side there were a lot of shadows without faces (demons), that voice spoke to me and he told me that tonight I am becoming their leader and I'm going to suffer a lot when they're gonna eat my body and soul, I sat there all night because he told me that if I'm going back to my home he will burn the place down and will kill my family, I spoke with this voice whole night and he told me that there is no way I'm making out from there alive and I'm the chosen one to become the living devil on earth forever, I sat there and waited but nothing had happened, I only saw the shadows getting closer to me a little bit from time to time, when I was talking to this voice and saying something wrong, I felt a very strong pain in my hamstrings, unutural pain, like he is got a control over my body.
What was strange after that is that the morning came REALLY early, like you're sitting at 2 am at night outside and the sun is starting to rise, something supernatural ( I didn't have any phone or watch). When there was a little bit light the shadows has gone but I felt them next to me, there was no wind at all and there was always this thin branch next to me that was moving and hitting my arm gently.
I strated to scream because I didn't know what to do, my family found me and I went to a psychiatrist hospital. I'll make out a point and tell that I have no mental issues at all, it was all very new to me.
Today I'm living my life regularly, studying, training, but something with my body is still wrong, my tongue is yellow, my facial hair is thinner, I have a lot of veins appeared on my legs, some bumps on arms and legs and sometimes uncomfortability in my throat and headaches from time to time.
Im afraid to get into a new relationship because of the sex, modern medicine has nothing to offer me, because I did all the tests multiple times and everything is FINE according to them, what the hell was happened to me? How can I be sure that it would not move toy future GF or wife or even my kids, can I even have kids?
I'll be happy to hear your honest opinions, without unnecessary judgment, what do you think?
Thank you for reading till this point, hope you were interested with my story!
| 1 |
i saw my ex today after 2 years from our break up.
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i realized i still love him but, he is already married. why do i still have feelings for him?😭
| 1 |
Relapse on cocaine and PMO and i now have bad death grips syndrome
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I didn't know where else to post this but i really need help. I have struggled with porn and masturbation addiction for a very very long time and the last 6 months I have been trying to finally brake it. But about 5 days ago I relapsed bad. I took cocaine and was alone and ended up masturbating a lot and over the years of my addiction to it I developed a really messed up grip that I was use the literally gets worse every time I am in one of these messed up mindsets.
It is really bad and it's cause my to have really bad suicide thoughts. When I came down and the next couple days went by I noticed how bad the damage to my penis was. There is a scar on the side from the skin on the head and the part where I squeezed my dick up around the head is so bad it's deformed looking. I can't get a normal erection it's like it's stops at the place I squeezed it bad. It's really bad and makes me feel so bad about myself.
Can anyone provide any hope of this being reversible? I'm stopping masturbating for good I know how drugs lead me to it and I need to escape it. I'm really worried I won't get normal erections anymore and it's making me want to die.
| 1 |
I spent $1,500 on a tattoo and the artist didn’t do what I asked for. I’m devastated.
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I (27F) got a tattoo earlier this year. As an Alaska Native I wanted a tattoo of Alaskan plants because I grew up living off of the land, harvesting berries and herbs. It’s a huge part of my childhood and something that’s always been so close to my heart. Because it meant so much I was very careful about who I wanted to do it. A few of my coworkers recommended a tattoo artist that they go to. One had a full body vine that was gorgeous. I looked at the tattoo artist’s instagram page and while she didn’t have a lot of floral designs on it, I knew she used to do it and the one she gave my coworker was really pretty and was exactly what I wanted as it wasn’t too dark. I emailed her and sent her a couple reference photos detailing where I wanted it (the torso), exactly which plants I wanted, and that I wanted the shading to be light.
It is important for me to point out that at this point I had never gotten a big tattoo before. I only have a few small ones (mostly lettering).
After our consultation we made an appointment and I asked to see her design before the appointment (as it’s an hour away and I don’t have a license so I had to ask someone to drive me and I didn’t want to get there, not like the design, but feel pressured to get it anyways because my ride took so much time out of their day to get me there). She said no, which to an extent I understand, but I am one of those people who loves something at first but after a day or two of thinking, I realize it’s not quite what I want. I have a VERY strong but fleeting honeymoon phase.
I’m sure you can see where this is going.
Our first session comes and the design she has is nice. Its just line work (that’s all we were doing that day), so no shading. It’s taking up more of the stomach than I wanted but again, my ride already drove an hour to get me there, they had already left and by this time were probably already on the freeway. Plus it wasn’t absurdly large, just a little bit bigger than I expected. I told myself if it’s not perfect that’s ok. We’d been planning this for months at this point and I didn’t want to be a Karen. I ended up absolutely loving the line work and was very happy with my tattoo.
If only I had stopped there.
A few months later we did my shading. I expected to show up and she would show me the design fully shaded (so I know what to expect) but that was not the case. The only design she had was the exact one from last time (only line work). This is my first large tattoo. I figured that must be normal. She assured me that she would do the light shading with faint ferns in the “background” that we had discussed in our emails and consultation. She even referred to the faint ferns in the background while describing the shading she was going to do.
However when she finished it was nothing like what we had talked about. It was extremely dark all throughout the tattoo. At first I didn’t know how to react. After hours of needles on my skin I was more focused on it being done and over with. I knew it wasn’t what I wanted but I didn’t want to be rude and she was really sweet. I hoped I would grow to love it. I think there was also a bit of denial there. I knew it wasn’t what I wanted but I also knew that it was permanent and nothing could be done no matter how I felt about it so I might as well be grateful. I did my best to ignore the fact that it wasn’t what I wanted and when people asked me if I liked it I said yes because I was ashamed to be that idiot that spent over $1,000 on a tattoo that they don’t even like.
It’s been 5 months and I still want to cry. It’s so much darker than the reference photos I gave her. I feel so ugly. Every time I see my stomach I mourn how beautiful and smooth it used to be and I wish more than anything that I could go back and never get it in the first place. I hate wearing bikinis because I feel so gross. It’s a beautiful tattoo but it’s not me. It’s not what I wanted or what I asked for and it’s definitely not what I showed her in the reference photos. I have panic attacks in the shower when I have to see it and I’m crying just writing this. I’m scared from ever getting a tattoo again. I just feel like I’ve ruined my body. The way that it is, there’s no way it will possibly fade well and I feel like 20-30 years from now it’s just going to be a muddy blob right in the center of my body.
| 9 |
I have ASPD, but I hate the people who use it as an excuse to be an asshole
|
Every time I see certain socio/psychopaths online, I get cuts from all the edge. The community is full of condescending assholes who use their diagnosis as a crutch to be bad people. I know that I shouldn't be surprised, I know people who are antisocial generally lack empathy, remorse, etc., but that doesn't give them a right to act that way. I know because I am antisocial, and I'm not just saying that to be edgy. I have a legit diagnosis. It is really really hard for me to empathize with others. I struggle to feel remorse for my actions because it's hard for me to put myself in others' shoes. I have the impulse to take the low road, do bad things, and be selfish, but I still try to go against the way my brain is wired. If I could take a magical pill that would rid me of this, I would. But it's my burden to carry. I don't feel affective empathy where I don't feel what other people feel, but I don't believe you need that to be a decent person. You can still use your fucking head and common sense to know that your actions and words have an affect on people. I'm not going to let my illness stop me from doing the right thing. You can't choose to be antisocial, but you can choose to be an asshole. Like, I wish those people would have any damn self awareness. They think they're hot shit because they don't care and are jackasses. It reminds me of the people who will say the rudest things and tell you they're just being honest, that's just how they are, and you have to accept it. It just makes me mad that I try all the time to defy my own shitty, selfish, emotionally void nature, while these people don't care and revel in their assholery. I know it's hard having a disorder that is very stigmatized and we're all stereotyped to be the antichrist, but do you really want to just give up and prove those people right? It is much easier to marinate in your own toxic behavior and remain stagnant than it is to actually try and be better. Grow up.
| 18 |
I(23M) finally lost my virginity last night !
|
I finally lost my virginity to someone I really like. I had made it to “second base” before with previous girlfriends but never really made it that far until last night. Gotta say it felt great. Honestly a big relief as well. It’s been a dark cloud over my head a little. I’m just happy my first time was pleasant and with someone I like!
| 6 |
Why can't this person leave me and my family alone.
|
For some context I am current 24 and this is I'm regards to someone my family and I have know since I was a baby. She is a year older that me, so she would be 25 now. We did take her in when she was taken by cps again when she was about 14 years old. Her mother was a childhood friend of my mom's and she signed her rights away when we took her in instead of allowing her to go to a far away placement.
I hope I get no hate on this as I will state I'm no defending or anything. I just know she is a vindictive person who will take it this far. It may have happened it may not have but it is no reason to continue to harass my family and I.
Let call foster sister FS. So about 5 years ago she accused my brother of the same age of raping her in her sleep. She told my mom who did take her to the cops to make a report but also talked with my brother separately. As there is alway 2 sides. My brother said was consensual and they been text inappropriately. But FS had been using the feature in messenger that make their message disappear after a specific time passed. Since then she dragged it to tv and harassed my brother nonstop. We do not talk to my brother at all anymore as he had run off to live with my grandmother who later kicked him out.
She kept stalking him and harassing him on socials. Now since he does not have anymore socials FS has moved to us, mostly my mother who already has depressive episodes wondering where she failed raising him because of the road he started going down since the incident 5 years ago. And I live with SF at one point to and she would alway brag she was on TV and brought her rapist to justice. Everything she would meet someone knew she be lole did you know I was on such and such show. And then she started insulting me on everything I'm self conscious of which lead me down a very dark place. My depression was suffocating and I felt numb yet I felt unloved and worthless at the same time. I moved out blocked her and tried to move on. But now she keep reaching out randomly I blocker FS in all normal social. But she keeps popping up randomly through different emails to insult my mom and me. Always making sure to mention my mom is overweight and we are fake pagans. When she did not start "paganism" until she was 20. She keeps putting my mom down for my brother but we were raised the same way. I have never done anything my brother has. There is more to this story such more. But I mostly wanted to talk about the harassment. Is it so hard for someone to leave us alone when we do not even talk to them anymore or live in the Same state? Again we do not even contact my brother anymore either?
Edit: Also I do not know if it is just me but would you not brag about outting your rapist over bragging about being on TV. If you were going to brag plus the TV show staff tried to make them all pissed off before they went on stage. Sorry for any Grammer issues, I suck at grammar. Always have.
| 5 |
I want a private relationship
|
One where we are friends in public and act like friends and in private we cuddle :D
| 3 |
Creepy passenger
|
I was 8 or 9 on my way to my uncle's house. I was traveling with my grandmother on train.
Initially nothing much happened, we ate out dinner and getting ready to sleep. From the time the train started I noticed a passenger looking at me and smiling at me. Naive me didn't think much of it and smiled back. He kept staring at me throughout the journey. Before we went to sleep, my granny and I went to the bathroom to do our business. I went in first while she waited outside and then she went in. While I was waiting outside the creepy guy came there. I just smiled. He offered me something that was rolled in paper. I refused. I could see some kind of powder on that paper. Thankfully my granny came out and we left. At the end of our journey when we were getting down, the guy was standing behind me and he grabbed my ass. I was shocked but didn't know what to do. Nobody saw him doing this. I didn't tell anybody about this but this has been weighing on me for a while.
| 1 |
On todays shit show….
|
You will never understand how much you broke me. Still till this day, I’m picking up the pieces.
You’d think in that crazy mind of yours that you have / had every excuse to hurt me. Lay a finger on me. When I thought in my crazy mind that you’d be the person to protect me.
I loved you , cared . You put in a position that was worse then yours. Never in my fucking life did I think I was going to endure the pain that I did , that day.
7 hours of torture. 7 hours of humiliation. 7 hours of shock. 7 hours of me begging you to stop. 7 hours that broke my heart , mind , body & soul
I almost gave up that day.
And the day after that
And the year after that
And the year after that…
These feelings that I have , the trauma it doesn’t just go away, that day plays rent free in my mind occasionally.
Well, fuck me huh ?
| 1 |
I feel like everything is wrong with me and my life
|
Il make this short as possible. Im 17 years old guy and im in constant state of worry and anxiety because i worry and stress about every single thing. Im extremely insecure and i hate every single thing in my body and i cant think of a single thing that i dont hate about my self. I have bad social anxiety and cant even remember the last time i talked to someone my age. Whenever i have to talk i make it extremely akward and dont know what to say. Ive never had a girlfriend or had sex. I have only one friend left from kindergarten and dont see him that much nowdays even tho id like to. I play videogame all the time and and im pretty sure i can call it an addiction at this point. Its the only way that makes me forget about reality for a while. If i had someone to be with id happily leave videogames aside completely. But for years i havent really had anyone expect my best friend. And dont get me wrong hes the best friend i could imagine the only problem is that he has his own life and dont have that much time to hang out with me nowdays. Dunno how to change the subject smoothly but my parents divorced 9 years ago and since that i havent felt comfortable visiting my dad and that has caused problems till this day. Now when im older i feel like i havent spent enough time with him but whenever im with him for a longer period of time i start worrying about my mom. And whenever im with my mom i start worrying about my dad for no real reason at all. this is what i mean that im in constant state of worry and i cant help it. All the insecurites and other problems are just making it so much worse. Ive talked to alot of different therapists and such but i cant find the help i need.I feel like havent done anything during my teenage years and soon il be an adult.
| 0 |
Going to college without my heart in it
|
I so badly wanted to take a gap year to figure out what I want, but my parents wouldn’t let me so here I am, about to enroll to IT tomorrow, only to realize I think it was actually computer science that I wanted… I want to learn how to make apps, games, websites and all that jazz…maybe, I’ll just self learn? but college already takes so much time that Im not even sure if i’ll be able to do that..
| 1 |
Void after breakup
|
How do you fill the void after a breakup? Our relationship was beyond irreparable and if it continued we would only have resentment for each other. I feel the void and loneliness that something is missing, of just having someone that I could constantly talk to every day. That even if I’m tired and I can’t talk to other people I still have the energy to talk to them. When does it get better? Does the loneliness ever disappear? The person can’t give me what I want and being with them only brought me trauma. And they know as well that they can’t love and respect me.
| 1 |
I just want to be held
|
I feel so lonely it’s driving me insane. I can hardly sleep at night because I feel so desperate for some kind of intimacy. I just want somebody to hold me so close and touch me and touch my hair and touch my face. I want someone to say it’s going to be okay. I want to lay with someone and listen to their heart beating. I just wanna feel close to somebody.
| 1 |
One think in my mind
|
I have a very strange wish. I was watching the movie Waterman on Netflix, and a question occurred to me. Is there a stone or invention in life that brings man back to life?
| 2 |
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