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I'm in love with my best friends girlfriend
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I have known this guy for 10 years now and have been great friends from the start. Over 7 years ago het got a gf. She seemed nice. She got introduced into our friendgroup by another friend. Slowly got to know her better and she's really great. I started to connect with her on a deeper level. I felt she actually understood my problems and I felt so safe opening up to her. She opened up to me about her struggles as well. Over the years we grew very close.
About 3 years ago I started to become physically attracted to her as well. Tbh she has been on my mind a lot. She's exactly what I would want a gf to be. I never told her anything about my feelings as the friendship is too important. The feelings keep getting stronger. I hope this might just help me move on
| 1 |
Extended family
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I’m about half a second from going off on two family members. Ones a narcissist whose three adult children have cut out of their lives, the other is casually racist. God damn it I hate my life because I cannot safely leave. (No where to go and two young children) hopefully soon I’ll have the means to move… 😫
| 1 |
I found out my boyfriend is talking with escorts and I hit him
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I completely lost my mind. A year ago he gave me an infection from coming from another woman unshowered and pushed me to have sex with him. Before I found out I had told him I could feel he was lying and he told me it was all in my head. We decided to work through it and had so many long talks about honesty. He promised me he had told me everything. I became depressed after that and still am. A week ago I went with my gut feeling and looked at his emails, and found emails from various prostitution sites. And emails between him and both female and male escorts. He asked them out, wrote sexual things he wanted to do with them and had sent intimate pictures of himself that he has also sent to me while we have been sexting.
Ive never felt the way I did then and now. I feel as my entire reality has been wripped apart. He stayed with me the days after because I wanted to die. He told me he have been writing with escorts for 15 years, that he has a pornaddiction. He told me he never met anyone and also that he isnt attracted to men (I dont care if he was, I care that he has lied so much). Nothing makes any sense.
I had been completely out of it for days. He apologized and took care of me, and I didnt want to leave him. I felt bad for him. Then there was this moment where he said if I really expected that my exboyfriends havent gone to hookers aswell and without thinking I hit him. I fell to the ground afterwards crying. Ive apologized, I dont know how to live with myself for doing that, it goes against everything I thought was me. Im not a violent person and now I am.
He says its okay and that it didnt hurt. He says its okay given the context. He says he wants to go to couples therapy together, which Ive asked for for 2 years. I dont know if its a good idea anymore. I dont know what has happend to me, I wish I could take back what I did, now it will always be something I have done.
| 750 |
Tired of everything
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I hate my job. I'm so sick of everything. I can't even handle the three days I do work. Minimum wage and they want me to do the work of three people. I've tried to get help bit they don't want to and I'm scared they'll just fire me. I didn't want to do hard physical labor but my job coach still applied there for me and now I'm stuck. Noone else will hire me. I sent so many applications but only got two interviews and one ghosted me after. I had to leave my last job before 90 days due to getting harassed and getting hurt after a fall. I don't want to do this. I'm sick of being in the nursing home and the residents are screaming and crying and I'm so uncomfortable but when I try to go somewhere else I get talked down to. My coworker lectured me on two occasions and berated me for not doing more. They know I'm disabled. HES disabled. Hes been so iffy lately and seems mad at me a lot. My one coworker who I did get along with I'm just unco.flrtable with now and I feel bad. But he's made a few NSFW comments and spins me around every morning and I just don't know how to tell him to stop when he's the only one there who even somewhat cares. I get so physically sick because it's 90° in the building but they won't even give us an ac. I come home with headaches and puke and noone cares. I'm told it's fine just drink more water. But that just makes it worse. All for stupid minimum wage. And I can't even spend it because I'm saving for community College and rent but I don't even think I CAN go now. Because my dads health is getting worse and someone has to be home in case he falls. But I can't stay here because my brother just asks me when I'm going to leave. And i dlnt think i can leave- i dont have the money. I applied to ssi so i COULD move out but now I got denied and my job won't let me work any less because they can't find anyone else willing to work for minimum wage when they can't even give us ac. They just complain noone wants to work. I can't quit because I NEED the money but noone else is going to hire me. And even if I searched further out I only have my permit to drive. And I can't handle driving for more than 30 minutes at a time. I'm so exhausted and I'm in my stupid messy bedroom crying alone all because I couldn't go to get bubble tea tonight. I was looking forward to it but my mum decided to just make meatballs which I can't even have and it's stupid and I shouldn't even be upset but I am. And I don't have anyone. I don't have irl friends. Noones online to talk to me and I don't want to burden them any more. My one friend who I did get to vent to has been... gone for weeks and I'm scared because I think he may be in the hospital. It's just too much and I WILL NOT hurt myself but I'm just so tired and wish something would happen at work so I can leave. I just want to go for a while and be alone and not have to deal with people anymore. I feel like I'm just failing at everything I try so why even bother. I keep typing this then deleting it because I don't want people to worry but I'm just desperate now. Does adulting get any better? Do I just need to get used to this?
| 1 |
Losing This Relationship - 8mo UPDATE
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About 8 months ago I posted about losing my relationship, and what a fuckin wild ride it's been since.
I found out that he's a p3do, a master manipulator, and a pathological liar. I found out because I connected with other women who also dated him before and after.
I'm so much better now. I have made amazing friends, I'm talking to someone new, and I'm okay.
For anyone who read that post, or goes to find it and reads it, this is how I got through:
1) I mourned him as if he had died. The man I was with is dead forever, and no amount of hoping for better will change that.
2) I allowed myself to simply feel my feelings. If I needed to cry, I cried. If I wanted to be mad, I let myself be mad. Scared, horny, numb, all of it. I let my body process as it needed to, and I feel like this was the most helpful.
3) I forced myself to love myself. I started treating myself better - eating better, exercising, drinking more water, connecting with people.... and it really helped pull my out of it.
Anyway, I hope if you went through or are going through something like this, that it helps you.
| 1 |
I've never received explicit photos before (m20) and it hurts
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I've had girlfriends, and flings, but in close to 5 years of dating no one has ever sent me anything spicier than a selfie. Most of the time I don't care, but some days it makes me feel like less of a man. I just wanted to get it off my chest. Have a good day everyone.
| 1 |
Wife doesn’t want me to initiate but she won’t initiate herself.
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My wife and I waited until marriage to have sex. We would get handsy but nothing oral and no intercourse. We started dating our sophomore year of college. Got engaged senior year. Leading up to our wedding my wife would tease me with telling me how she couldn’t wait to suck me off and have sex with me. Then came the wedding day. Everything was beautiful and perfect. I had a blast. Then came the wedding night and while we got naked for the first time, my wife refused sex because she was so nervous. No problems. I understood. Hell, I was nervous. But then came the honey moon and not only did we not have sex but she didn’t even want me to see her naked. 5 months. I waited 5 months to have sex. I came in like 5 seconds and she laughed. 2 months later we had sex a second time. I’ve been married to my wife for 5 years. In that time I can’t think of a single month where we’ve had sex more than twice.
About 6 months ago she got frustrated with me for pressuring her to have sex. So I didn’t try and initiate for a month. She never once even seemed turned on by my presence. After a month I tried again and she seemed just as annoyed. If we do have sex she acts like she wants it to be over as fast as possible. Never ever is there anything oral. IfI try and ask her what she wants during sex she refuses to talk about it. I hate porn because I feel like it’s cheating but recently I’ve found myself turning to it because I feel like I get more intimacy from the screen than I do my wife.
I love my wife she’s a great mother to our 2 kids. We have fun together. I enjoy being around her. I’ll never even consider leaving her. I help with cooking and cleaning. I take time for our kids. I have a great income. She gets whatever she wants. I try and spend time with her. But fuck do I hate her sometimes.
| 34 |
Me and some friends stopped woman from assault
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Several years ago I (23M) and 3 other friends stopped a woman from being assaulted by her husband/boyfriend.
We were probably around 16 at the time and we all decided to go eat out at BWWs one night. As we were leaving, my friend turned to me suddenly and said do you hear someone screaming? I said no, I didn't hear anything. As we walked a little further I heard someone yelling and after a couple seconds I see a woman walking out of an alley (not really an alley but it was a walkthrough between buildings in a strip center). We saw a man walking after her and yelling.
I guess we were kinda stunned initially as we kinda just watched as they continued to walk further. However, he started pushing her and she was putting her arm up in defense while crying. He kept smacking it away. She was also holding her baby in her other arm. I told my friend we gotta do something, especially because she has a baby. He said "oh no, that's some family drama. I don't think we should get into that." I didn't back down though and said we had to do something so we yelled out to him.
Realized he was quite drunk after he approached us. He completely forgot about her and turned all his attention to us. Getting in our face and screaming and threatening to fight us. As this happened, she ran over to a nearby clinic and they locked the doors after her. He eventually decided to walk off after this tantrum but the cops pulled in shortly after and stopped him.
Me and one other friend decided to go check on her. We saw her in the lobby and and gave a thumbs up and mouthed "are you ok". She nodded yes as she walked further back into the building, I presume to be out of sight. The door was locked which is why we did that. They let us in after the police told them to let us wait in there to provide a statement.
We provided our statements and he was arrested for family violence.
7 or so years later, I still wonder if she was able to escape that and remained safe afterwards. Sometimes I feel worried and guilty that I may have made the situation worse for her if she went back to him. But I usually remind myself that had we not done that, her picture may have very well been on the news the next day. I hope she found her way out and she and her child are living a healthy and loving life.
| 57 |
an female employee behind me at my job is hot and wears really tight jeans and shirts.
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I don't know how I will not be able to jerk off to her
| 0 |
My friend probably got someone killed
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(Friend 15 female friend 13 gray hat ?? )My friend told me that a guy had been saving images of his female friends snap thingy for a year or so and he black mailed her for nudes so she told my friend and he got his gray hat hacker friend to make link to get his ip they got it and didn't know what to do with and I was gonna tell them to post on 4chan
But they posted it on a human trafficking website he had no remorse he was kinda laughing too and
Htf am I supposed to handle this
| 1 |
I feel like my friendship wasted years off of my life
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I (F20) have had this friend (F20) for about seven years, and she was my best friend. About two months ago she started ghosting me after we had a get together for her birthday. I am a lazy texter so this didn’t bother me until I actually realized that she was ghosting me. We also work at the same job where I noticed she was being very mean and cold towards me. I had to find out from my boss that she doesn’t like me anymore and that we aren’t friends, and I find out I was blocked on everything without noticed. As well I was blocked from another friend and her boyfriend.
I personally didn’t really know what I did that was so horrible to get treated so badly after all of the time we had together. From what I gathered from my coworkers from her shit talking me she was upset on how I acted at her birthday party; I acted the same how I normally act. She got upset with me in the morning since I didn’t tell her happy birthday right when I got up, and somewhat berated me for it. We hung out for a bit before dinner. Her boyfriend, and the other friend and I wanted to go swimming at the pool we were at since it was a nice pool. She did not want to go swimming and stayed with a different friend. Apparently she saw me as a threat and ranted to others that I was trying to flirt with her boyfriend because I was fixing my swimsuit since I have larger breasts. (The other friend I was with also has larger breasts) I also brought alcohol since I assumed that she would want some, and I think she drank one. She has seen me be drunk before I am a more silly person, and I find everything funny. She was probably upset that I took attention off her somewhat which I’m sorry for but I was acting how I normally act and was laughing/adding onto at what she saying so I am sorry for what I did there. I can’t really remember the whole night but she probably got irritated by me being drunk and that I cut her off when she was speaking.
I lately have been feeling so overwhelmed, and saddened from this but I have been getting better. It just really bothered me that she couldn’t be an adult and talk to me. It really feels like she never truly respected me as an equal friend. The fact that she would think I would try to get with her boyfriend is very insulting because her boyfriend is not my type at all, and I have told her to her face that she had weird taste in men. She basically is implying that I am that kind of person who would steal everyone’s boyfriends. All this just kinda put me on the edge since I have been somewhat stressed about moving, and everything else that had been happening to me. I just feel like all the time we spent was for nothing, and I’ll just be her bogeyman of the week. I am proud of myself though because I have been handling it well from me processing everything and realizing that she was always pretty harmful to me. It’s just silly to me because we still have to see each other since we have the same job, and I am her manger. I am bitter she didn’t want to talk to me so we could work it out since she has made working a nightmare to deal with. I am glad the both of us will be moving soon so I will not have to see her for awhile.
| 2 |
my best friend is dating a middle aged guy
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my (f17) best friend (f18) told me last year that she has a crush on me, but i rejected her because i wasn’t ready for a relationship and haven’t thought about my sexuality that much. we had a talk about it and everything was fine, we continued being best friends and she told me her feelings for me are gone after a while.
in the past few weeks she’s been different, she barely had time for me when we used to hang out almost every day before. she’s not on her phone a lot either, even though she was literally addicted to it. when she finally responded, i told her that we should talk, because i thought she might have had a mental breakdown and is going through a tough time. yesterday we met at her apartment and i tried to comfort her but she seemed really happy and different.
then she told me after i basically forced her to tell me what is going on, that she is seeing a guy and she is in love with him and apologized for neglecting our friendship.
of course i asked her about him and she made me promise not to judge her and i said yes. i thought it would be someone from high school who we didn’t like but no, it’s a 48 YEAR OLD GUY who used to be her coworker when she was 15. i was so shocked but tried to not let her know.
they’ve been dating for a month and “have a lot of fun”. he even bought her a pair of really expensive earrings.
she literally turned 18 last month. to me, it seems like he was just waiting for her to turn 18, he has known her since she’s 4, cause he used to be a friend of her dad and then got to know her better when they started working together three years ago. apparently, he also loves her and wants to spend his life with her, but i can’t believe him. the things she told me about what they do makes it seem like all he’s interested in is her body.
i know that she is an adult, but she just turned 18 and i know she is not mature enough for anything like that. she just pretends to be mature for him, but deep down she is still a child. she grew up in a really unstable household and currently has no contact to her parents, i feel like she just dates him because she is desperate for love.
i want to save her but i don’t know what to do, she’s making a big mistake and that guy is a creep. i want to confront her, but i don’t know how… i don’t want her to hate me.
what should i do? should i talk to her?
| 3 |
I'm constantly anxiously wishing for the approval of someone I really admire, and I'm really, really tired of it by this point
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There is someone in my workplace, senior to me, who I really look up to. We both work hard and a lot, and interact a lot, and I admire them immensely and find them inspiring in a way I've never found another person before. They are extremely hardworking, knowledgeable, shockingly good at their job and have an amazing sense of humour; they don't care about being judged by others and follow their own way. I've been working side-by-side with them for a year and have been very motivated at work because of this person. I constantly try to learn as much as I can from them, directly or indirectly. They have affected me outside of work as well. We're practically the same age but they have way more skills and knowledge about everything than me, which has really motivated me to spend more time trying to learn things, though I acknowledge I will never be able to hold a candle to them. They're just too good at everything.
My problem is, I have a strong desire to be approved by them and to be their friend basically. And by strong desire I mean, I'm irrationally invested in trying to get friendly with them. They're a bit of a reserved and aloof person, they will maintain a level of friendliness with everyone but at the same time will sort of hold them at arm's length if you know what I mean. They tend to be quite curt or blunt in the way they speak (but they will act warmer towards their close friends). I know their taciturnity towards me is not because it's a work relationship, we don't really have a strong hierarchy at work and I've seen them being on very friendly terms with a couple of other employees before (those employees have quit now). My colleagues all really respect this person and their repertoire of knowledge as well.
I interact with them a lot at work as we're both managers. However, I get irrationally upset if they don't respond much to my overtures to stir conversation (this doesn't happen all the time, sometimes we have nice conversations about stuff), and I feel envious when I hear another person being friendly with them and them responding to it/bantering. It always makes me wonder if I said something wrong or if they find me annoying or something, why did they not reply in this friendly manner to me earlier and just gave a monosyllabic reply, etc etc.
(This has nothing to do with romantic feelings etc btw, they're not the gender I'm attracted to. They're in a long-term relationship which I was happy to learn about as they initially struck me as a workaholic with no personal life because of how much time they spend working, but fortunately they have a partner. This feels more like wishing to impress your favourite parent, but seeing they're paying more attention to the other children? )
I get praised/complimented a lot by upper management, my colleagues etc, but it barely makes me feel anything; however, if this particular person tells me they are impressed with my work (which only happened once so far...but this is pretty normal for them, they're not big on praise), I feel on cloud nine and like I've finally achieved something. It even makes me feel happy if they just ask what I did over the weekend or what my plans for my vacation are (this doesn't happen often either, they don't often ask questions like this and most of the things we talk about are work-related one way or another). It makes me feel like maybe I'm good enough for them to take an interest in something related to me.
I'm generally quite emotionally independent and self-sufficient. I live by myself, not in a relationship, haven't had any close friends for years now, so it's not like I have a tendency to attach myself to people. I don't have any fear of missing out on things or a tendency to go the extra mile to get into everyone's white books. Years ago I used to take umbrage if someone cancelled our plans together for whatever reason and stuff like that, but since then I've changed quite a bit/worked on my independence. This person is currently the only person to whom I became emotionally attached in this way, but they're also the only person who I respect to this extent, admire professionally, and try to emulate.
I recognise that I can't force someone to be friends with me, and it's not even like we have a bad relationship or anything, but I just keep having this weird anxiety that they won't approve of something I say, anxiety to have a nice friendly conversation with them, etc. This sometimes bleeds from working hours into my non-working hours when I will keep thinking, after work, that it seemed they were cold to me today, what did I say or do wrong? Will their opinion of me/my skills change for the worse now?
I'm so, so exhausted from feeling this way. I hate it that my mood for the day is ruined if they were reticent with me today or brushed off my attempt at conversation.
| 1 |
I'm afraid to lose weight as I don't want my breasts to become smaller
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I know it sounds stupid but they're already small as it is, and I'm pretty insecure about it. I should still go for it as my overall physique would look better as well as other health benefits, but I can't let this small thing go.
| 1 |
My bf asked for a break.
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My bf (22m) and I (21f) have been dating for 7 months. We were very happy but I start noticing that he wouldn’t talk to me as much like before. It progressed with short text, dry replies, and being left on delivered for hours. That really bothered me so I asked him what the problem was and all of a sudden he’s saying he doesn’t know what he wants and decided to take a break from the relationship. Throughout the conversation he kept assuring me that he loves me but for some reason i keep worrying that a break means he’s actually doesn’t want to be with me anymore. It’s been a month and I'm devastated and want nothing more than to talk to him, even if just a casual conversation, but I want to give him his space and time to think. What can I do to stop from losing him? and has a break ever made a relationship stronger?
This has really put me in a bad spot.
| 1 |
Im just too damn tired of being the good guy. Im letting the bad motherfucker out.
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Thats it and thats that. Im tired of being the nice guy.
It doesnt matter at the end of the day because everybody is a heartless piece of shit.
​
If ppl arekeep going to tell others that Im bad even tho I am not, I am just gonna roll with it. Bad ruthless motherfucker from now on. So be it.
| 0 |
Getting some stuff off my chest
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I'm from a country where exams are quite competitive in comparison to the rest of the world. Meaning ur entire career is actually just a sheet of paper at times. Ive never really felt any passion towards any profession of sorts. I fairly decent at studies meaning I am considered as being talented. However a girl walked into my life a year ago and changed my life for better and worse. She really did light up my world. But i neglected my potential career as a result. Ima year late as compared to the best in my country but i can still cope with the rest thru sheer will and potential. My gfs a lot more talented than i am. She really wants to go abroad and study and says that she thinks long distance won't work. She said that living without me would be hell. I'm desperately in love with her to the point where my body won't listen to my head. My feet go cold thinking that my "goodnights" and "I love yous " Are limited. I'm so broken but i can't burden her with it. I've hurt her by losing my cool like an immature idiot before and i wanna make things easier on her. Fuck u random reditter u can't help me. I so wish I didn't live this cliche were a ticking time bomb life. In addition the exams we're preparing for require ridiculous amt of prep meaning we see eo potentially for an hr everyday.. This is going to be my life for another year and then it's maybe goodbye. I'm so hurt that she wants to leave and i hate myself for thinking that
| 1 |
I want to leave my job.
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This happened 2 months ago. I applied for a job to upgrade my post. Been working there for 6 years. Sad to say I did not get it.I overheard that my colleague were shocked. Even one of my colleague expressed this dissapointment to the seniors. My personality is if it comes to work. I do it professionally. I work well with other people. The one thing that I dont like to do is pleasing my higher ups. It's just unfair that when they need people with skills. I am the choice. But still they chose someone else for the upgrade post. I am now secretly applying to other area. My plan is to just work like nothing happens. Then bam! Im quitting. Im just venting.....
| 6 |
My cat is dying.
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2 years ago I picked up a beautiful cat, a calico so beautiful I fell in love the moment I saw her. She had just been away for a year from the shelter and had just come back. I was allowed to meet her and we clicked immediately. She loved to cuddle, but made it clear, she wanted cuddles on HER terms..
She turned out to be quite crazy - always playing during the night, jumping ontop of me while I slept - scaring the doo-doo out of me, but always wanting to stay close to me when we slept or while I worked.
Even bathroom breaks were spent together as she guarded me in my most vulnerable state (according to her instincts as I've learned). And she kept me company. Even though I feel lonely, she makes me forget.
A week ago she stopped eating. She always loved to eat. I even shared some safe human food, which she always wanted more of.
At some point she became quite thic(ccc), so I had her try a few different types to control her weight.
A few days ago I tried to make her eat her favourite food, but it was like she'd never even eaten it before. She drank some water, but a day or so ago she stopped altogether. I kept her next to me in bed, just looking at her sweet face, hoping she'd get better at any moment, but when she turned yellow in her mouth and around her face, I lost pretty much all hope.
Like in humans, yellow skin colour is a bad sign.
Now she's at the vet. She's been given fluid, a bit of wet food, medicine, but she's so weak and does nothing but sleep or stare. I can't even fathom how she must feel.
Seeing my baby this way hurts so much I can't even begin to describe it. She was mine to take care of, she was supposed to grow old with me. I just hope she doesn't blame me, or that I did something wrong. I'd never forgive myself.
Tomorrow, the vet said - I have to make a choice. One I didn't think I'd have to make for a long time, or rather, when the time was right.
I just don't want her to suffer. And as horrible and devastating it is to admit, I just can't afford an operation - there is also no guarantee it will make her better the vet told me.
So here we are, just waiting for the call.
I dread waking up tomorrow.
| 1 |
I just need to vent
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Today really hasn’t been on my day and it’s been a while since I’ve been feeling this crappy so I just want to vent it out a bit.
It just kinda feels like the walls are crumbling on top of me in terms of lot of things. It really does pour when it rains, doesn’t it? I just feel so helplessly bad and now even the one thing that has been making me excited and happy feels sour and I can’t help that.
I really want to keep doing my best and be the best version of myself, but sometimes it’s just so hard. Rejection sensitive dysphoria isn’t making it any easier either, and today was just a good reminder how much work I still have ahead of me. Sometimes it’s really hard to keep in mind that I can make progress and get better slowly, especially on days like this. It’s the thought that this is just something I have to struggle with for rest of my life that really puts you down and makes you wonder what’s the point anyways? I could always just avoid people for rest of my life and isolate myself further. It sounds easier at least.
I do hope tomorrow is a better day, but I know opening reddit in the morning will knock me off my boots. Maybe I just won’t.
| 1 |
i hate the fact im not normal
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Everyone else my age is going out, having fun with friends etc etc, and I just made plans with my best friend who I haven’t seen for like 3 years and my gut is already twisted with anxiety and I’m dreading it. I genuinely hate myself because I know that my friends and family need someone to have fun with, go out with and make them happy but I can’t do that. Please can someone teach me, I’m open to all advice.
| 1 |
Finally cut off my emotionally abusive dad at 19, rest of the family isn’t supportive
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An argument ensued months ago in which he said vile things to me, including, “I should have beat your ass more when you were younger.” I moved out of home shortly after, and haven’t spoken to him since.
My mother and sister are very disinterested in the situation. They haven’t offered any support, and when I text things like “if I learned we were both to die tomorrow, I still would have nothing to say to him” they send sad emojis or one word responses.
I just want to feel loved by my father. My mom and sister maintain the logic that he loves me because I’m his daughter, but I don’t believe it until he shows his love through his actions.
My life has changed so significantly in such a short amount of time, and without parents to support me emotionally, I feel lost.
I need therapy and friends, if I had them I wouldn’t be posting here. Please help me feel like I’m deserving of love from my parents, because I am being made to feel like I am not.
| 2 |
i broke up with her seven years ago and i'm still in love with her.
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to start off, i'm not asking for sympathy or pity. i know it's my own fault, but i need to get this off my chest.
also, this will be very long.
i'm from a very small city and my parents are very controlling, so i didn't have the courage to come out when i was younger.
when i moved across the country to study at university in a big city, i decided i would be out and proud there. i felt no shame, no guilt. i openly talked about being bisexual with anyone i'd meet. i met up with some girls. i was free.
i met this girl (let's call her L) online. she was from another city, not too far from where i was studying. we clicked instantly. we started texting all the time, talking all day, everyday. i developed a crush quite fast. she was smart, witty, sensitive, kind and incredibly gorgeous. she had the prettiest blue eyes, the most beautiful smile and a voice i simply loved hearing. she'd call me and we'd talk for hours, sometimes falling asleep while the other was on the phone.
we decided to meet up. i traveled to her city, not telling my parents, and it was amazing. we kissed on the first night i spent there. we kept on kissing for the rest of my trip. she wasn't out, but she didn't care. she'd kiss me at red lights. she'd kiss me on the bus. she'd kiss me in front of art pieces at the museum. we'd walk holding hands while she showed me her city.
after i came back, we spent even more time "together". we started doing video calls too, all the time. having meals together. hanging out while i was working on university projects. i was so happy.
we decided to meet up again. this time, she came to visit me. i lived in a small apartment on my own, and she said she didn't want to see much of the city: she wanted to see me. so out of the four days she was there, we spent three in my bed. we slept together for the first time and it was amazing. i'd never felt so loved and cared for. we'd lay in bed talking, our legs mingled while i played with her hair. i'd cook simple dinners with her while she held me from the back and kissed my neck. i've never known such bliss.
after she left, i cried on my way back to the apartment. i cried again because my bedsheets smelt like her. i cried because i already missed hearing her laugh echoing in my room. i knew i was in love with her.
we continued doing our thing, talking daily. i'd call her on the metro when i left class. she'd call me when she was done after work. we'd have dinner while on videocall and we'd watch movies together.
we decided to meet up one more time, and we rented an airbnb in her city for a few days. i got to sleep next to her again and wake up with her arms around me. we made love until our bodies hurt. we'd talk for hours, like we always did, but cuddling on the couch, or in bed. she asked me if i wanted to be her girlfriend. i said yes. after four months of pure bliss, i thought my heart would explode. we kissed. we kissed for hours. i wish i had kissed her even more.
after i graduated, i couldn't afford to stay in the city i studied, so i had to go back home with my parents. back to the small town that suffocated me and the control of my parents. back in the closet.
we texted. all the time. i couldn't call her. or video call her. my parents would ask who it was. she'd send me audio messages so i could hear her voice while hiding in the bathroom. i was miserable.
i tried to come out. i tried to gain the courage to tell my parents i had met someone who made life worth living and it was a girl. i tried. but i couldn't.
she had came out to her family. one day she just told them. her mom had actually seen us when i had first visited her but decided not to say anything to avoid making L embarrassed. she was so happy. i was so proud of her for being so brave.
and there i was. in constant fear i'd smile too big on the phone or i'd mention her name by accident. feeling shame for being so coward. hating myself. feeling unworthy and undeserving of her love, her time, her patience.
so i broke up with her. with a text message.
i told her she deserved better. that she deserved someone that would bring her to family dinners and proudly mention how in love she was with her. that i didn't think i'd ever come out and she didn't deserve to be with someone who kept her a secret.
i broke her heart.
we officially dated for nine months, had only known each other for a year and saw each other in person for a full total of ten days. but i loved her more than i thought possible. i was simply not brave enough to love her like she deserved.
we started talking a few months later. i had never been in such pain. i missed her. all of her. all the time. and when we got talking again my heart would shrink because i couldn't be the same around her. i had to be her friend despite my heart breaking in my chest, for my own doing.
about a year later, she started dating someone. she was so happy. so i was happy for her.
they've been together for five years now. we talk, every now and then, and we call each other friends.
but i still love her.
last year i came out to my family. they were supportive of me. this year, they all came with me to the city's pride parade. i felt so stupid. so regretful of everything i missed in life for being too afraid to disappoint then.
i thought of her. i thought of what i had lost because i was too young, too stupidly afraid to love her like i should have.
and now that i could, she's out of my reach.
i will never tell her any of this. she's living with her girlfriend in their own apartment. she's finally got a stable job. she's happy.
so that's all i need.
i'm afraid i'll love her for the rest of my days and i screwed up the only chance of love i had in life. but i'll remember the mornings i woke up next to her and keep the bliss of her memories in my heart and mind.
i know she'll never read this, but:
L, i love you. i'm so sorry i broke your heart. i'm sorry i wasn't brave enough to love you. i'm happy you found someone that loves you like you deserve to be loved. someone worthy of being loved by you. someone worthy of hearing you talk about the things you love and laugh at your own jokes. i hope you know nothing but happiness for the rest of your life. i will love you forever.
| 1 |
Bulimia has ruined my chances of ever being happy with myself.
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I was always an overweight child. My parents went through an extremely messy and bitter divorce because my father could not accept that my mum wanted a divorce and that she was moving on. He was always very angry and bitter for many years after my mum left and he still is. My mum tried so hard to save their marriage but my father never cared for anyone but himself. He would guilt my mum into letting him come over to see us but he would immediately tell us to go upstairs and we wouldn't see him. He was only there to abuse her and he sometimes raped her when we were asleep.
I was sexually abused by my stepbrother for 5 years and was molested by another person when he would visit with his mum.
It stopped when my stepfather got cancer and died, he stopped coming over as much and eventually i didnt see him again. Its been 8 years since he died.
My stepfather wasnt a kind man, he was also abusive and wouldn't allow me or my siblings to have anything nice growing up.
When he died, my mum felt very guilty for the way he had treated us and basically spoiled us as a result. This resulted in us becoming addicted to junk food and all of us became very overweight.
I was obese from age 11.
As you can imagine, being overweight in highschool results in bullying. I was picked on every day in highschool and i hated going.
I started to not eat whilst at school, and then i would binge eat when i got home.
When i was in year 9, my bestfriend had started to not eat and it gave me ideas. By the time i was in year 10, i was starving myself. I dropped from 98kg to 75kg in just over a year.
I thought people would notice and i would stop getting bullied but it didn't. No one noticed at all. I had had enough one morning and i binged again, i ate everything i could. Afterwards, i felt so much guilt that i made myself sick.
It was a downwards spiral after that. I started binging and purging every day and was throwing up everything i ate.
I dropped from 75kg to 44kg in a year. I was a horrible person, i lost all my friends, my family and i fought every single day. I absolutely hated my life and tried to kill myself several times. I was hospitalised several times.
I got myself into a terrible relationship that ended really badly and i considered ending my life again.
I met a man a few weeks after my relationship ended.
He helped me get back to life, i gained weight, stopped throwing up as much and started to enjoy life again.
We are married and have a daughter now, who is 2 weeks off her 1st birthday.
He is my absolute rock, i truly think i would be in a grave right now if i hadn't of met him.
Weve had a few bumps, but we are very happy together.
However, i cannot get it out of my head that he thinks im fat and ugly.
Since getting pregnant with my daughter , i gained a good amount of weight. Im starting to shift it again but i cant stop feeling disgusting and i can't help but comment on how bad i look.
I feel like im upsetting him, i dont want him to get annoyed with me but I know he is. Ive had a couple of relapses since my daughter was born and i know he is worried about me. Im worried about me sometimes.
I just wish id never developed bulimia, it has made me miserable, bitter and angry.
| 1 |
I'm getting married soon can't stop wanting my "ex"
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I know the title sounds bad and probably is, so here's some context.
I(20f) am getting married to my amazing boyfriend, A(19m). I love him with my whole heart and soul and couldn't imagine my life with anyone else- I'm so excited to get married and there is 0 part of me that doesn't want to marry him.
However, I have a confession that I could never bring myself to telling him. My freshman year of high-school I met a sophomore named B*not using a real name for obvious reasons*. B was SO sweet and handsome at first, but ended up only being interested in a sexual relationship. He understood I only wanted romantic intimacy and wasn't willing to sleep with someone just to make them stay or just because I'm dating them, so he ended up leaving. He would lead me on off and on throughout the entirety of high-school. I met A end of my sophomore year a little after B's first time leading me on. I completely moved on from B and devoted my entire existence to A, I focused on being a good girlfriend and I quickly accepted that B would never truly want me for more than a week, so on went life. Me and B never officially dated, but he treated me like his girlfriend when he "liked" me, so while I can't call him my ex, I use that term because I feel like jacka** is too extreme.
Now for the confession; atleast once a week I have dreams that A doesn't exist and that it's me and B, we are kindling our own romance and instead of me ending up with A, I end up with B. They are usually intimate dreams where we do the dirty or just makeout and such, and I always wake up feeling so guilty because I can't shake the feeling of wanting B so freaking badly. I feel like it's just high-school me who desperately craves for that boy to want me like I wanted him and when I see him from time to time, I feel absolutely nothing.
I want to let go of him. I hate feeling that brokenhearted feeling of knowing he never loved me and never will, and I am SO happy with A, but I just want to forget B and completely move on. Any ideas on how I can forget that stupid guy years later or is it normal to miss someone like this?
I only dream of him, then I forget about him 24-48 hours after the dreams. I just want him to be gone from my mind so I can move on.
| 1 |
Husband’s sex education feels weird to me
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My husband (30m) and I (27f) were virgins when we got married (five years ago). We were both raised in a religious tradition that valued waiting until marriage, and we did.
I’ve learned something since and I’m not sure how I feel about it. Two weeks before our wedding in 2018, my husband’s aunt (Maria, now 39f), who is not religious at all (they are not “blood” related) took him out for dinner and drinks. I remember at the time thinking it was sort of sweet, since my husband and Maria are close, but kind of unusual.
Anyway, what I’ve learned is that Maria’s purpose for taking him out was evidently to talk to him about sex and marriage, to give him a “real” point of view that she thought he hadn’t learned (she was admittedly probably right about that). She gave him a sheet with her “top 10 things to remember in the bedroom” written out.
I found this sheet while doing some cleaning last week and was shocked. It was really specific and kind of graphic. A lot of the stuff was nice, like being confident, but some talked about really private and intimate stuff, too. And honestly I think he’s put some of it to use with me.
I asked my husband about it, and he blushed like crazy, and told me the back story I described above. I feel sort of weird about this. Has anyone else dealt with anything like this?
Tl;dr: my husband got a sex education lesson from his aunt and I don’t know what to think about it.
| 0 |
My best friend wants to f my boyfriend
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Basically what the title says. I’m dating my boyfriend (19) since two months now and it goes great. We started to hang with 4 other friends a lot because they were couples as well and there was no drama. But not so soon I started to see a few things ? Things like the other friend, we call her amy, always staring and looking at my bf. She started to look at him with those f me eyes and whenever he said something she would laugh extremely. Whenever I had struggle with my bf she always told me that he’s mad and doesn’t want to talk. But a few days later my lover got mad because I wasn’t texting at all. He told me that amy told him that I need time and I’m still angry about a few things. A total lie. So Thats when we both started to see these „things“. Amy is with her bf, we call him Alex, since 2 months as well now. They always argue like every day and they broke up like 10 times now ? And she is awful to him. She tells me things like she gave her ex head. Her excuse ? They broke up a few hours ago so it should be fine. But that’s not how it works.. she even told me worse things but not gonna list them up now. A few days ago we were at a party and no we both were sober. That’s when a friend of mine jokingly said that we could do a 6way. I laughed and agreed. Amy took me then to the side and asked if we could do a 3way? The thing is she’s with her bf on this party and now she’s asking me this dumb question ab a 3way and I just lost it. All these things I saw and thought would be my imagination became true. I got rude and told her that’s not gonna work because my bf told me how ugly he thinks she is and that he wouldn’t even get his thing up. Idk I was rash but I got so f mad because her bf is a friend of mine and watching all this sh is making me sad. I went to my lover and told him everything he told me he wouldn’t talk to her anymore and that he’s taking some steps back. The next day I was at work doing my stuff when my phone exploded. Thousand texts from my bf calling me things and that I’m the worst. I tried to calm him and asked what happened. Then he told me amy told him „everything“ so what ? What is everything ? He told me ab me cheating on him with my ex. For context my ex was in my old class when I was doing a levels. So the class sometimes meets up at a bar and we just talk and drink. I told Amy that he confessed feelings to me and gave me a kiss on my forehead when I was moving around. I told him straight away I’m dating someone and that was how it went. The funny thing is I already told him the next das I just couldn’t remember and talked to Amy how to confess to him. So now we’re here. She told him I was at his home that we kissed that I’m terrible. I begged my bf to ask whoever and he did. Everyone was just confused and Told him the f no. Plus i was going home with a close friend so I couldn’t even go to his place. He straight up apologized and begged for forgiveness for not trusting me and trusting a girl who tries to hook up with him. I got kicked out of every group and everyone was hating on me. Even neighbors. So I had to explain to everyone that I wasn’t cheating that’s just nonsense and I got slowly my friends back after they heard what actually happened. Amy got kicked out everywhere and lost everyone. The thing is. Her bf, who’s btw the best friend of my bf is, is still going out with her and he’s telling everyone that I’m the liar and he hates me for what I had done to his girl. He’s not waking up even tho they broke up again yesterday but guess what they talked it out.? So that’s life rn ?
| 3 |
I received a call from the animal shelter today
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My best friend passed away on June 21st. I have been completely drowning in grief. Everything has been so awful without her. I am not a very religious person, but I have been praying lately. I’ve been asking for a miracle to happen, ever since her death. I think whoever is upstairs shoveling the sand of time heard me.
I got a call today, It was from the animal shelter. They called to let me know that her two cats were safe with them, and very much so ready to go home. My best friend had registered their microchips under my phone number upon adopting them, which I wasnt aware of until today. I have been so dumbfounded as to why her family surrendered the two cats she loved so much.
Im so happy she knew she could count on me. In life or death. I pick up my two new best friends tomorrow. Im so excited to give them beautiful, happy lives filled with so much love. I feel so blessed to be able to take on this role for them. They are the greatest gifts she couldve left for me.
| 2,417 |
Feeling blue
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My ex partner of 3 years cheated on me after child loss. After the breakup and on the day I came to move out my things out of our apartment - with two coffees and at a mutually agreed time - I found him with yet another woman. Today, 1.5y later, I learned that they are expecting - she's older than him so I wouldn't be surprised if age was a factor in the somewhat quick decision. I keep telling myself that I dodged a bullet, and trying to rise above and wish them the best - but I'm struggling and it still terribly stings. After the breakup I took time to heal, go to therapy, work on my things, rebuild my life from borderline scratch, learn from my own mistakes, and I have just started slowly dating again. In the meantime he fast-tracked a 1.5y relationship to where we left ours at. Today feels blue. If anyone has words of love, they would be more than welcomed <3
| 2 |
Feeling totally saddened by weird/sudden change in communication with person I've been seeing exclusively for a month
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Yesterday:
I have been seeing a guy for a month now. We agreed to be exclusive. The vibe is good. Our in person meetings are fantastic. We communicate consistently between dates (i.e., send a text or snapchat here or there throughout the day, but nothing over the top). Just last Thursday we had a really great conversation. Last week he was talking about stuff we are going to do this week when I return from a work trip. In recent days, however, the amount of time he takes to respond has increased a bit. I am traveling right now for work, so we are dealing with a three-hour time difference. Yesterday I texted him and he has not yet responded. It will be 24 hours in a bit.
Update:
He did end up responding that it’s been a crazy week. Not sure what that means. This was in response to a light-hearted "hope your day is going well" follow-up message I sent him (note that I have never before sent a double text to him): "I hope your week has been crazy in a good way! No pressure, of course, but happy to lend an ear next time we are together :)". No response to that (not that I asked him a question or anything, so it doesn't necessarily warrant a response). He did end up responding to my Snapchat a while after he responded to the text.
I have spoken with multiple people--close friends and my therapist--and they looked at some of our texts and so on. They all reached the conclusion that I am not making up that he is at least acting very interested in me. I have even had discussions about this with him on numerous occasions. He has always said that he feels similarly about me and thinks there is a really great connection blah blah blah.
My therapist thinks I should send him a follow-up text tonight asking if he wants to get together tomorrow night (even though this would be a double text). If he does not commit to getting together, her advice is to tell him something along the lines of "I’m normally not the type to follow up in such a way, but I care about this. I feel like our communication dynamic has shifted over the past few days. I’m just trying to get a sense of what you’re thinking about things" and see what happens. This does not sound accusatory and gives him an opportunity to tell me what's going on, whether it's a family issue, that he's lost interest, or whatever.
I’m not going to waste time on something that isn’t going anywhere. If he is put off by me sending this text to get together, that is his problem and I do not want to be involved with someone like that. Especially since I have not been clingy or anything with him to this point (never respond instantly, give him space, don't double text, etc.).
This is all to say that I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and one more chance to explain what is going on. I don't think that is unreasonable given the parameters of the relationship and how things have been thus far.
tl;dr: The guy I've been seeing exclusively for a month suddenly has changed his texting habits and it's making me feel weird. Not sure how to proceed.
| 2 |
My mother thinks Im ugly
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Whenever she has a chance to comment on my appearance, she will. Even when the conversation isn’t related at all, or not even about me, she would somehow tries to squeeze in a comment.
I’m too shriveled. I’m too blump. My face is too hollow. My cheekbone is showing. My face used to be too pimply (I’m not anymore, this was over a decade ago). My skin is too dark. I don’t cover my skin enough so I look dark and dirty. My nose is too flat. My nose bridge is too low . My nose flares too much. My stomach is like my dad’s side of the family. My eyebrows are too unshapely. My eyelids are too hooded. Etc etc.
We have some physical family albums without me in it When i asked why, she said my photos weren’t good enough to be worth printing out.
I was told that when I was born, her first word upon seeing me was “her nose is too flat”.
Objectively speaking, I think I’m perfectly fine looking. I’m not an insult to the eyes to look at. But to have my own mother commenting on my appearance like I’m the humpback of notredam, and not once ever said I’m beautiful. Man. That hurts.
| 3 |
Disability visually inpairment person’s life
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I turned 25. For the beginning of the situation, I promised that it’s must to be remain a secret for everyone…..but now I feel so bad and broken, discovered that I cannot handle anymore….
I was born visually inpairment - cataract of both eyes. And the most terrifying thing is I supposed to wait 15 horrible years to be surgery!!!! I didn’t able to see anyones’ faces….where am I, who am I, how the World looks. Cannot do elementary things by self like wash up or just leave the room…. did not had friends, girlfriend…. And finally 15 years later I did it!!! I decided to eye surgery, whatever surgeons and doctors warnings…..
Now I see!!! but only one eye, but see!!! Almost 10 years ago I feel so weird, no friends, no girlfriends. I lost my disability rights personal guaranties like a job, monthly money support etc. What’ s wrong is that I still feel disabled person….touch everything behind me etc. I have higher education as programmer graduated recently but cannot find a job….
This curse took away 15 years of my life. What to do next, I tired need help
| 2 |
It’s just getting worse and worse
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My boyfriend (20m) went missing, got stabbed, got mugged, and went to hospital. I haven’t seen him about 2 weeks because of this. I messaged his mum to check up on him. He has become really aggressive because his mum won’t let him see me and broke the doctors nose. He owes me some money which is what started all this shit. It’s embarrassing owing your gf money and I know he wants to settle it all. But like this has all massively escalated and it’s kinda scary.
and i just want my money back so I can buy my car.
I think there’s something psychologically fucked up with me because this whole situation has made me love him more and concretified the idea that I want to be with him forever.
But i’m also worried about what I’ve gotten myself into because I’m realising he’s like a lot a lot
| 1 |
I'm destined to be a failure
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I don't feel genuinely happy about my life. I feel as if I'm just playing a facade of being happy to my family, when I just don't feel happy at all. I keep failing in everything that I set my eyes upon. I got some shitty scores from my AP exams this year and I hate myself as a result. Seeing other kids score 5s on their exams really made me feel sad because I'm not like normal kids and can't really perform up to their standards. I don't recall a moment where I genuinely succeeded and felt happy because I've quit on most of the things that I saw. I don't get why I can't stick to something.
It really bothers me because the opportunities I've had in middle school and high school could've made me get into a better situation, like going to a Ivy League university or any other prestigious university. Hell, I could've even started a YouTube channel with some skills that I could've acquired and become famous, but I wasted it all. Now, I don't even feel like setting goals or having dreams because I wasted all of the opportunities that I had.
I just spend most of my days finishing up my Excel course (I'm almost done with it) and playing games on Roblox or Steam. Most of the games that I play on Roblox are for these military and SCP themed groups, where I can gain ranks by attending trainings or do tryouts for like special forces type units. I just feel like I'm not doing anything with my life whenever I'm in these groups. I just stand in one place as a guard. Many of the people that owns these Roblox groups are probably doing more than me and that makes me feel ashamed.
Seeing all of these game developers and artists making money makes me look like a fucking failure compared to them. I wanted to become a game developer and an artist, yet I failed in learning to become one. I tried music, but my piano teacher, according to my dad, gave up on me since I wasn't learning anything. I did Tennis and Swimming, but I gave up since I wasn't learning any of them. My dad gave me flack for not going to Karate classes, yet I became a 1st degree black belt. Everything I touch turns to shit and I'm just a laughingstock to everyone. Most of the students at my middle and high school made fun of how loud I talked, how skinny I was, or how I had no friends. I never believed that anyone at my high school was my friend.
The people in my high school are going to prestigious universities and have accomplished so much. One guy that I know from my high school is going to Columbia University and here I am going to a dogshit public university. I don't even have a fucking girlfriend because I don't think any girl would want a ugly lanky person. Hell, I've failed in so many things, that fucking fictional characters like Miles Morales have accomplished more than me. Like seriously, like Miles can draw amazingly, is Spider-Man, and wants to go to Princeton University. My parents would've been more proud of him than they have been for me.
My dad kept scolding the shit outta me every single day for not working hard enough on the ACT, even though I studied at school and at home. The scoldings were before the test and every day when school was over, I'd pray to god that he would spare me from a scolding. He and my driving instructor told me that I would fail my driving test, even though I passed! He told me once that he would remind me of all of my past failures and that made me feel like a fucking loser as a result. I feel like as if we only succeed to a limit and others succeed beyond and become world famous celebrities as a result.
Now, since I'm going to be a college freshman this August, I'm probably going to be in the NROTC program, which is going to be a fucking nightmare since I will probably be made fun of for my skin color and how I'm a lanky person. I probably going to get back into game development, programming, art, and music, but I think that's not a possibility since I don't know who to learn from or what stuff I should get.
I'm hoping to become a Navy SEAL because it would be better than having some fucking desk job in the Navy and it's special forces. I guarantee you I will get made fun of for my race and I'll probably quit on the first day. I'm going to a summer camp place where I can meet other people going to my college before the first day of classes on August and I'm definitely not going to make a single friend or even find my SO. Even if I do become a Navy SEAL, I'm going to grow old and never accomplish my dreams.
Anyway, I'm really sorry about how long this post is. I really don't know what to do anymore and I just want to talk to someone. I hope that college will make me into a better person and I'll push forward, but with all of my failures in the past and now, I'll probably be homeless.
| 1 |
I was molested when I was young.
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I was 9.
He was 13.
I am 28(m) now.
We are cousins. I never told anyone. I never told any of my family members. I legitimately forgive that person. I do.
It happened consistently for a couple of months. I lived with my aunt and uncle while my parents got their U.S Residency figured out. He would make me do things to him I'd rather not describe.
There's so much information online about the effects of sexual abuse. I don't know if any of my character traits now as an adult are a result of trauma. I do not want to self-diagnose. However, I don't want to talk to any therapist about it....
I think I'm afraid. I'm afraid that possibly the person I am now has been defined by trauma stemming from that experience. I don't think I'm ready for that. I can confidently say I'm content. I don't think about it often. I don't have triggers but for some reason, there are time periods in which I suddenly get depressed, anxious, unhappy, and annoyed at the smallest things.
Additionally, I overthink. I overthink a lot. I overthink about the smallest things. I'm overthinking about posting this because what if someone knows who I am, or what if someone from my family finds out because if this post. What if I should just fess up and seek help? Then again, DO I need help? Maybe I just need to get over it. Not because seeking help is a sign of weakness but because I've lived with this for years, so why seek help now?
I don't want the reason for my identity to be what it is because I was molested.
| 1 |
I’m finally happy after a long time.
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I guess, I had lost myself in the past 2 years. My dad passed away, I broke up with my girlfriend, and the last serious relationship I had, let’s just say I had to “it’s not you it’s me” her cause she became crazy. I am writing this at 3 in the morning and after reading, working, exercising and taking a shower I feel amazing. My life was great for a guy like me, have everything I want, but I didn’t appreciate it the way I do right now. I hope this feeling lasts awhile. Things are finally getting better and I can’t believe I am getting back on pace with life, living it to the fullest. I hope for you guys as well, to be happy and well. I learned that as long as good times last, we must cherish them to the fullest, even if it’s the little things.
p.s. i’m 23 so this might sound a little cringy to some people, forgive me.
| 1 |
I think I hate my little brother
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I (F22) live with my dad, boyfriend, and little brother (M15), my little brother started living at my dad place in July of last year, and since then our life's been rocky, he can be as adorable as he can be a brat, and he specially is toward me, for context I am looking for a job, and I do not have any diploma as I can have severe depression + I am autistic I got burned out and had to stop, since then I am looking for a job, but in my country, even if you wanna be a waiter in a bar they still ask you to have at lease 3 years in the domain, so lloking for a job without a diploma and who accept autistic people been pretty hard, instead i am taking care of the house, buying groceries, keeping it clean and all, sadly in his eyes, I am just playing games all day and doing nothing, last week I forgot to buy the bunny food(an hour of bus to go in town, so I go buy food only once a wewk as money is tide), I brought it yesterday tho, my little brother messaged me asking me if I did brought it, I didnt answer right away, then he started messaging me like crazy, saying I was doing nothing of my life, that I had one thing to do and I wasnt enven able to do it (Buying bunny food) but everytime my bf would tell me to do something i'll run to do it (Not true btw) and I was like, dude dont compare how much attention I give to my boyfriend and to your buuny, thats not the same at all, he got all angry telling me becaus eof my pup's my dad never get home (not true either) then I was paying his spotify, and asked me to give me the 8.- of this month + the money my bf lended him, he said no, not before I gave him his money back, (money he gave me for my bday) told him no, then he said, even if I dont give it back, what are you gonna do, well thats true I wont do anything, cant sue him, not going to beat him as I'll get more hurt than him, I can complain to my dad but thats it, then he proceeded to threaten me, remember it all started becasue I forgot to buy his bunny food, and the sad thing is, my little brother have lots of money, I dont even want to know how, but you can guess it, he goes out every day, when I only leave the house for the groceries once a week because the bus cost like 20.- and money is really tight, when I forgot to buy it, I told him to buy it himself, but he didnt, he forgot apparently. Fair enough, the bunny must have starve for a week (btw I wish I could give the bunny to someone or a refuge or smth he is miserable, but my brother do not want to), I dont wanna hate him, but it is hard, he hurt me so much (I feel my emotions too much) I end up crying for hours, and th eworst is, tomorrow will be like usual for him, when i'll be on edge next to him and sad when I look at him, I think I am startinmg to definitly hate him, I just wish to find a job and an appartment and leave, my dad's waiting his 18's bday to kick him of his house.
| 1 |
Now ex- Boyfriend of 2 years addmited to having a crush on his girlbestfriend
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I broke up a week ago my heart hurts he always told me she was just a friend turns out she was not...
| 2 |
I think my boyfriend cheated on me?
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My boyfriend 23m and I 23f have been together for coming up on 3 years now. I've never had any issues with him "cheating" per say, but I have found him to entertain the girlies that come his way. At the moment, I'm using his old phone because mine is broken and all of his accounts are still logged in. Let me preface by saying I completely understand my own fault in this and know I should have respected his privacy, but the girls know, when your gut tells you something is wrong, you're generally right. I would've never known of this issue had I not looked as he deleted the conversation after it was done.
The first time I found any "evidence" of cheating, he was texting his friends about someone he hooked up with (after leaving my apartment). When I confronted him about it, he said his friends were pressuring to cheat on me so he told them that he did to get them off his back. Slightly believable because of the people he's referring to but those messages made it seem like his friend were veryyyy against what he did. So much so that one of his friends specifically told him to tell me what he did. Maybe my first mistake was not leaving then, but here we are now and I don't know what to do.
The most recent issue involves a girl he knew in high school. He responded to something she posted on her instagram story and she referred to him as "Daddy" in her response. He continued the conversation and went so far as to suggest making plans to meet up. When I asked him about her, he 1. at first claimed to not know what I was talking about but later told me that 2. she has a history of causing issues with his relationships and once had to be told by his ex that she needed to leave him alone and stop talking about him. He said he had no interest in doing anything with her, he was just being friendly, and compared his inability to leave her alone to my constant harassment by men (I couldn't see how they correlate but okay lol). Many things about that conversation made me look at him sideways and I really don't believe anything he told me besides he wouldn't meet up with her. Not because I know he would never physically cheat, but because he simply doesn't have the time or resources to have sex or make an emotional connection with another person who doesn't live even within an hour of us.
At this point, I don't know what to do. This isn't the first time he hasn't shunned any flirtatious attention from women (surprise, surprise he couldn't remember the event I'm referring to, another red flag), but it is the first time I've caught him making the first move. Regardless, I'm not okay with either behaviour. He did apologise for his behaviour, though it didn't feel genuine as he kept getting defensive rather than acknowledging what happened. We live together, have two dogs together (though one is mine and one is his) and we share everything as we're getting our lives together and just lost a lot of our resources. I have the ability to leave and will be perfectly fine if I do, I just don't know what to do and needed to get this out of me. If you've been in a similar situation, what did you do? I want to respect myself enough to know what I deserve and not tolerate disrespect, but I'm also incredibly forgiving and struggle to put myself first. I'm so stuck, I love him too much to leave if he really is being honest but this has pushed me to point I fear I can't return from.
| 3 |
I was planning to commit suicide until very recently
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For context, I have a cocktail of mental disorders: ADHD, OCD, HSP, high functioning autism, bipolar 3, all mixed with anxiety and depression.
When both of my parents passed, I would go with them. However much time they had left in this world, that was how much time I had left. I've had emotional issues my whole life, and they're the ones who got me through it all. They are more important to me than life.
There was a dual purpose for that. Because of my differences, I've been treated as lesser by the people I look up to. I've had to argue and throw fits to not be treated as a fucking punching bag. The amount of harm that has done is something I may never fully recover from.
I felt incredibly lonely. Nobody else really appreciated me. I wanted to leave a heartfelt note for everyone to read, and then go. The people who have sidelined me for my brother, for other family members, wouldn't be able to have me anymore. And I would make them feel sad and guilty over it.
For one month following the death of my second parent, I would quit my job and complete my bucket list. I would visit places that made me feel happy while keeping my parents in my mind. I'd try to muster up the strength to ask the people who made me feel so low about myself why they did what they did.
Then, after the month was over, I'd go buy several gallons of bleach and ammonia. I'd buy assorted hard liquor, like high proof whiskey and vodka. I'd dump the bleach and ammonia in my tub, and then down the liquor and some sleeping pills until I was unconscious. I'd be gone before the sun rose.
I would've bought everything from different places. That way, if word got out, whoever rang me up wouldn't have to feel solely responsible. I'd have also left a note on my front door, warning whoever arrived at the scene first that the air was unsafe to breathe.
My note would've apologized to the few people who actually did care, telling them how I felt, and how my parent's deaths had now made it too painful for me to proceed any further through life. I may have made phone calls before I went, but ensured that no one would've been able to intervene. "I'll be gone before you can even arrive..."
The people who took me for granted, I wanted to make them finally feel something for me and appreciate me. The people who I've had to argue with when they were treating me as a lesser being. The people who wouldn't let me talk to them or spend time with them when I begged them to.
I'd been talking to doctors for years, telling them that nothing they've been doing has had any effect. I've felt too far in the clouds to respond to therapy, and the medications I tried always came with complications. No doctor I ever spoke with ever accepted "This course of treatment isn't working" as an answer.
A few months ago, I decided to do some things out of desperation. I wrote a note, chronicling what had happened with different medications, and why they had failed. I read it to my current doctor, one of the few who had ever taken my concerns seriously, the best doctor I've ever had. He looked, agreed with what I said, and prescribed me something no other doctor had tried.
And it's helping. I've been able to get out of the house and take my dog places. I've been able to join an online community I've always wanted to, and I'm beginning to make friends in them. I feel like I can do some things I've always wanted to do.
I still have other things to work through with the doctor, but it feels like I'm going to live beyond my parents' deaths now. That's how they'd want it, after all.
| 2 |
Lost someone to suicide and 2 months later, I'm still not okay
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I just need to write to feel a bit better. Trigger warning please, I'll mention how he did it along the story.
Last April, right after my birthday, I lost a person I care about. I'll call him Mark in this story to make it easier to tell.
We met through a video game and hit it off immediately. He was my peace for months, he made me feel special during all those times. It was actually kind of funny since I swore to not entertain guys I meet through video games but he tore my walls down.
On my birthday, he was quiet during our game, which was very out of character for him. I asked him if there's a problem and he said he was just not in the mood to talk much. Sometimes this would happen but he would always tell me if something is bothering him. That day, I let it go since I know he needs space when he was like that.
We were literally just gaming the whole night while on call until one of my friends asked me to go out around 12mn to celebrate my day. I asked him if it was fine, he said of course. Our last game was around 11PM. I updated him about what was going on around 2AM and he still replied.
After that, I heard nothing from him. I assumed he was already asleep and he would be asleep for hourssss if it's the weekend so I figured he would be back around afternoon or night.
That night after my birthday, I received a message from his bestfriend asking when was the last time I talked to Mark. I told him I just heard from him 2am that day... then he broke the news to me. Mark was found dead in his room around 6pm. He hung himself. After investigation, they concluded that he did it around 3am. His brother also found his phone open in a browser tab that shows Mark searched for an angel number. He didn't leave any notes, all of us were clueless what triggered him to do it.
His family decided to bury him in their hometown so with my last money, I went there to be with him one last time.
It was 2 months since that and I still have a lot of what ifs and I still cry every time I remember him. What if I didn't go out that night and just stayed with him on call? Will he have enough time to process what he was feeling and eventually tell me about it or get the help he needed? Why can't he tell me what was bothering him? I have a lot of questions and none of that will be answered now.
I know he's not hurting anymore but up to this day, I still selfishly wishes it didn't have to end this way. I miss him, everyday.
| 3 |
Bound to one room due to one's privacy
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Me and my daughter have to be locked up and bound to one room, my bedroom today because Mt bf is on some paranoid schizophrenic mindfuck! And needs his privacy and to be aLone...the fck. Shin he be the one in the room by himself with privacy
| 1 |
Im just existing
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(So first of all id like to say that English is not exactly my first language so apologies for any errors in terms of grammar etc)
So I'm a young 18yo lad living in Poland and well I don't feel happy I'm not saying I'm depressed or considering self-harm I wouldn't do it but the thing is I'm not happy nothing brings me joy and I'm just existing. When I was young I was obese and due to some issues with my spine, I was just inactive physically which lead to some bullying that lasted until I left elementary school. But as time went I underwent a few surgeries that made my spine as good as it could have been. As I left elementary school I didn't keep in touch with anyone as they didn't like me cause of the way I used to be over time as I went to middle school I was losing weight cause I developed an eating disorder and I met a few people who I have considered my great friends that I've been always close to in their times of need then I started playing games altho I didn't get any thrill or excitement from doing so it was a way to kill any spare time I had. High school started and all of them just kinda vanished, they didn't really move cities but they simply acted like they didn't know me, I didn't think much of it I wasn't sad or happy I didn't look for any justification or answers I just accepted it. Over time I started going to the gym due to my fragile spine I carefully picked all the exercises so I wouldn't end up hurting myself. I didn't feel any satisfaction from it either it became just another way of killing my spare time just like video games. eventually, I got some new friends that I've been doing my best to maintain I even became the "therapist friend" listening to their hardships and offering my best to be there for them any time they needed me I also tagged along with them every time they were going to parties or just drinking (i don't like alcohol) to be included I didn't feel any thrill or excitement of it but I always was with them. Over time my body began showing effects of me going to the gym and I want a bad-looking person either altho I'm not saying I was some prince charming, but things let to other things I had a few girls trying to ask me out which I declined as they didn't make me feel anything and I didn't want to lead them on so I was open about my disinterest even tho I made big changes at the time both in my appearance and social life it hasn't made me satisfied accomplished, for me, it was just as if it was just a normal average thing. Over the last few months, my friends kinda fell out of contact with me unless they needed something from me, they still actively communicate on the group chat and I can see they are all so close always hanging out and chatting, I wasn't sad, or happy about it but I just accepted it, 3 months ago there was a bench press competition and I decided to attend it for no reason and I even managed to get first place in my weight category which didn't make me feel proud even right now I'm looking at a trophy I got that day as I write this still not holding any sentiment towards it. eventually, the school year ended and now as the summer began I just got a job to fill the time that school occupied, and each day for me is just dull I feel as if I was just going on autopilot with no thrill no sadness despite my efforts to try new things and learn new stuff and socializing with new people Is there something wrong with me for not feeling joy, sadness, thrill, excitement, atachment and just existing?
| 1 |
Broke up with my bf, he wants to get back, but I'm not sure
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Well the title pretty much sums it up, but I broke up with him almost a week ago. I did because I wasn't feeling the same feeling from the beginning of the relationship and he was kinda pressuring me for some ridiculous stuff.
He suffered a lot after the break up, he cried for days, sent me a lot of messages, made a whole lotta drama, even cut himself (he did that years before we started dating, had the scars and never did that while we where dating), I felt bad, he was hurting himself because of something I did, I felt guilty.
Some days went by and we started talking about dating again, he really wants to get back and I was thinking that it could be a possibility, but since we broke up I decided to try a dating app and I liked it, it was fun to be flirty again and try something new, now I'm not sure if I want to get back, the problem is I don't know how to tell him that, he told me that just the thought of me meeting new people or dating someone made him anxious and made him fiscally ill, to the point of him not eating anything because he felt nauseous.
I really don't know what to do, I don't want him hurting himself again nor feeling sick.
Tldr: my bf wants to get back together, but I'm confused and not sure how to tell him that.
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My Fiance Is A Golddigger
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TLDR: My relationship ( f46, m51) has been negatively impacted by his ex gf purchasing his company. He cheated on her with me and was abusive and now I'm finding out that he's likely a gold digger and that he looks down on people who share my origin.
My ( F 46) fiance Anthony ( m51) and I have been together for 16 years. We've had an overall good relationship ( until now). There are things in his character that I've learned to navigate (OCD, keeping and saving even rejection letters, random stuff like movie tickets, etc). He's not a hoarder, everything is quite neat and organized but sometimes, I feel like he's the tidiness police. We are both in good careers. He's a mechanical engineer and I'm an industrial engineer. I'm not currently practicing as I developed a career in management.
We definitely got together after on and off dating, and made it official in December 2007. Please pay attention to this. Our relationship and blended family has always made me feel proud. Now, after learning things about him, I'm reconsidering the whole relationship. I feel like maybe this isn't love but mutual comfort and whatever good things we've enjoyed together are no more than superficial stuff. I used to feel very connected to him.
8 months ago, he came home looking scared and defeated. He was so irritated that he didn't eat and when I asked again, he called me a *itch. I was caught off guard by the insult and had an emotional response because this has never happened before. We went to sleep and he woke me up in the middle of the night seeking comfort because he was worried. That's when he said that his ex GF, Charlotte ( f50) , is his new boss because her company acquired his employer. I was so confused and surprised because he always described her as someone with her head in the clouds, broke and a failure. Again, he got impatient with me for not understanding the situation as quickly as he needed me to. And it didn't make sense that he was worried as they had broken up for so long ago. Of course, he never gave me the full details.
The last time he saw her was in 2014, "by chance", and she was still a loser ( his words). This last chance meeting was totally random or so he says.
He told me that he and Charlotte had broken up because he couldn't deal with her and because she was lacking in structure. He said it was trauma bonding because it was right after she got divorced and he was still healing from being cheated and left at the altar. I believed him.
He has come to talk about her very frequently and consistently, making me feel like she's out to get him. I said that getting fired because of potential pettiness on her side wasn't too probable. The legal cost of it would make the whole thing backfire. His contract had been renewed and firing him just randomly didn't seem like an option. He yelled at me and said "callate pend**a!" ( shut up you stupid ¢**t, in Spanish- he's from Spain but was raised in the USA) so many times that I ended up getting really quiet because I was hurt and shocked beyond words.
Anthony's character has changed considerably. He has stopped pursuing me and while he still does romantic things, I feel like his heart isn't in this relationship.
I've pleaded, offered my emotional support and my help and nothing is changing. I started to suspect that he was having an affair. I went to his tablet ( I know the password and I know it's wrong) and found a bit more than I can handle.
First of all, she hates him. No affair with her or anyone else is happening. Their last message was via LinkedIn, in 2016, and she told him off for asking her out and making advances. He never mentioned that I exist.
Before that, he pushed for that meeting in 2014, via text. I learned that from his messages to his best friend who's completely against him investing his energy on reminiscing of his relationship with Charlotte. His words " you already pushed for a meeting and kept texting her in 2014 and she ended up ghosting you after you two had dinner".
I know it's wrong but I went into his email account and found a huge trail from 2007-2009, 2011-2013 and then short exchanges every year after that until 2014 because he insisted on sending her New Years Eve messages. I'm assuming she changed her number and he then switched to reaching out on social networks.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. Their messages spanning their relationship are painful to read. He was jealous, possessive, verbally and emotionally abusive, overbearing and in some cases, obscene ( sexual messages that bordered on SA). Her messages go from sounding confused and asking why is he treated her that way, to painfully begging him to stop yelling when they talked on the phone, to being forced to send him a long email detailing where she was and who she was with. One of his messages say " if you don't answer right away, I get nervous and you don't want that".
Second: he and I started dating very regularly during the end of Fall 2007. So he definitely cheated on us both. Their relationship imploded in December 2007, with a long message from her telling him off, threatening to call the police if he didn't leave her alone and a mentioning of an argument that took place either a day earlier or that same day, at his place. He replied that he might have gotten her pregnant and that his condom broke. I find this desperate and shitty. I don't see why he waited until she dumped him to tell her.
Because he insisted, she sent him an audio file with all of his voicemails and asked him if he thought the police wouldn't take action knowing it was blatant harassment.
One message from him to her has also raised grave concerns regarding my own relationship with him. He insulted her for being a divorced single mother. Tells her " I knew you wanted me. to choose you" and berates her for being "entitled". Says how could she think that someone like him, would end up with her. Shames her for her bachelor's in social sciences. Shames her for not being able to afford designer clothes. Shames her for not pursuing a legal career like he thought she would after college. Shames her for having gained weight. Says she still bears the mark of her poor childhood neighborhood and that he's frankly disappointed because she was a rich girl back in college and what a bad surprise that she's now behind "like the dogs balls and ass" and clearly struggling.
I'm disturbed. Many of her recriminations had a lot to do with me. Not by name, but she refers to me as his fancy engineer gf. He was very cruel in describing our dates to amazing detail, telling her where I worked, saying that I'm classy and she's not. Why would he give her so much info about me if not to make her jealous? This is not okay, specially because I really thought our relationship what organically sincere but I no longer feel good about us.
He clearly shat on her working class background and that hurts me. I do come from a working class family and would scratch the eyes off anyone doing that to me. I'm also hurt that he thinks of the working class people as less while he's been to my family parties and knows that I love my roots. He was always distant from them but I though he was just keeping boundaries to avoid being hurt like in other situations.
I know 16 years is a long time for someone to turn their life around. I found her LinkedIn and saw that after 2008, she changed careers and also got an MBA and her new skills and business are based on science and technology. And that as of 2014, she's the owner of a business group.
Also, she's really pretty, as that makes me insecure. If he managed to criticize her, I can't imagine what he really thinks of me since I'm not traditionally considered beautiful. What's more disturbing is his promise " read this email and don't reply and I'll promise to leave you alone". So he wanted to insult her and get zero words back. She did fire back, with horrible insults and attacked his ego, his self worth with and destroyed him by comparing him to other men his age and their achievements. This is so toxic I've decided not to read anymore because it's very unsettling.
He told her that being with me was much better and basically, what I'm reading between the lines is that he entered our relationship out of convenience.
This is extremely hurtful. He knows how I had to divorce the father of my kids for being a gold digger and how important a real emotional connection is for me. I never thought he would be in golddigger mode ( he make almost 6 figures). I make about 40k more than he does but when I moved in and started paying half of everything, I thought I was working towards building something together, not benefiting someone who secretly had financial problems and saw me as some sort of a life saver. We've been so happy. I thought it was love. I feel like our happiness was artificially propelled by all the material things that we have.
Charlotte isn't talking to him and yet he whines to his friends that she told him to please know his place and not address her at all. She's not even his immediate boss and I think it's unlikely that a CEO would spend too much time at a specific company when she owns multiple ventures, so it sounds like he's mad because he feels inferior or something else is going on and he's not telling me.
I don't wanna make a mistake based on my present aggravation. I feel like taking time off from him but I'm still trying to figure this out because out life together has been great. It's just that I'm seeing all of the things that happened behind the scenes and I feel deceived and stupid and the fact that he cheated during our relationship is a huge deal breaker. I thought we were doing everything by the book. We started dating, then moved together and got engaged two years ago.
I really don't know how to process this because it negates the entire foundation of our relationship.
If someone had been through something similar, please offer some advice because I'm angry and hurt that I'm petrified. Thanks for any help I can get.
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My little brother’s graduating and I will go as someone else
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My little brother’s graduation is tomorrow and I have to pretend to be someone I’m not. I’m non-binary and very feminine presenting despite going by he/they pronouns. I don’t look androgynous enough to pass and honestly, I don’t want to pass. I want to feel pretty and feminine despite not being a woman. So tomorrow I will wear my favorite dress and be his sister, and will go by my deadname, because one of his teachers knows me from before I came out. The thought alone is killing me, because he used to be my biggest supporter when we were younger. He used to defend me, when our parents used the wrong name, but now he said it would be easiest if I go by my deadname and introduce myself as his sister if asked.
| 2 |
I became a teacher because it was the first opportunity for me to have a professional job
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I don’t consider this a calling. I do not want to go above and beyond for my students. If a student comes to me during my planning, I tell them to talk to me during class/ send me a message. A job is a job. Do I enjoy it? Somewhat. I don’t dread coming into work everyday. If they halved my pay/ stopped paying teachers all together would I still come into work? Absolutely not.
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I helped an old man
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Yesterday, me and my mom were walking back home after doing all kinds of activities. We saw an old man struggling to carry his groceries. My mom looked at me and turned to the man. I grabbed his groceries and my mom helped him with walking. We talked with him all the way to his appartment.
He said he had kids, but that they didn't want to take care of him in the city that he lived in and that they would only do so if he moved in with them. My mom talked with him until we reached his appartment and when we noticed it didn't have an elevator we just brought everything all the way up.
I don't think I've seen an old man be so grateful towards anyone before. I just can't help but feel happy yet sad every time I think about it. I truly hope his kids realise that they should take care of their dad and not just let the old man live on his own. He asked my mom if I was her daughter because he felt like the younger generation wasn't nearly as kind. His comment just broke my heart and I hope that there's more people out there that are helping the elders.
Just wanted to rant about this and hopefully have others realise they should check up on their parents.
| 2 |
been rejected, abandoned and ostracized so many times in life that I fear befriending or approaching people now
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long story short this is worse than social anxiety
| 2 |
I hit a possum on my way to work this morning.
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I didn’t see the lil bud till he lumbered out in front of my car. I tried to get out of the way and leave em free to get off the road without swerving out of control, but I didn’t move far enough.
I heard the hit and saw the body behind me as I kept going. I know it’s dumb and animal’s get hit by cars every day but it still upset me. I feel so bad for the lil dude. It’s not fair.
| 2 |
I never even opened the messages and then he died.
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I foster for a local rescue and we have a slack channel for communication between volunteers. I posted way back in March about the foster I had at the time and another volunteer, an older man we’ll call Joe, private messaged me about the situation. I saw the preview and it basically said “people would love to have a clingy dog” or something along those lines so I didn’t even open the message because I was like I don’t want to get into it. Then he messaged again 3 weeks later, the preview said he was checking in, didn’t open that either.
Then today a message goes out to everyone saying Joe DIED yesterday. My heart sank immediately because I’ve always had a little bit of guilt for blowing him off, but now I’m overwhelmed with it. I opened the messages and he was being kind and helpful and I just imagine he was this sweet, old dog lover who went out of his way to try to help and I just ignored him. I feel absolutely horrible and I just really hope he didn’t think anything of it. Regardless, I’m so sad and angry with myself even though I didn’t know him, I just wish I could go back and respond to those messages.
| 1 |
My First Love Told Me She Still Loves Me After 5 Years And I Don't Know How To Feel
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To explain how we met, we both have chronic illness, not the same illness though. We met in the hospital, I was 16 and having my meds adjusted and she was 15 and under observation. We ended up being roommates for two days and we became friends. When it time for me to get discharged she wrote me a note wishing me the best of luck and that I get to feeling better and left me a note with her number. And so we started talking. We got really close and as it turned out, we had a lot in common. About three months after we had first met, she told me that she liked me. I kind of freaked out a little, was it weird that I had met her at the hospital? We were both girls, that felt a little weird to me too at the time I must admit. I started becoming more conscious of her after she confessed and a month later I told her that I liked her too. Thus began an almost two year situationship.
She lived like two or three hours from me so I never saw her. We would message every day, at one point we even made twin blogs. She would call me things like dear and I would call her lovely, and I was satisfied with the way things were at the time. She was the first person I had ever imagined a future with. We would joke about how I would whisk her away and we'd move to Alaska and start over. At one point I got really depressed and I seriously thought about it all, and I realized that I would never be able to properly take care of her if I was barely able to take care of myself. So I ended the situationship, we never properly dated.
We would still indirectly communicate through our twin blogs but that was the extent to which we would communicate. Last year I wrote a post saying that I hoped that she was doing well and she reached out and said that she'd like to be friends again so we started talking once again. After talking to her, I feelings for her started bubbling once again.
This February, I watches The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and thought of her, because that was a movie that she had really liked and told me to watch but I never got around to it. That's when I realized 100% that I was still in love with her. I was going to break up with my then boyfriend because I realized that it was unfair of me to date him while I still had feelings for someone else, I talked to my sister about it and she convinced me not to break up with him and told me that I was just being sentimental. She ended up sending me two different songs, one in February and one in March that had "I still think of you" undertones, but we used to always send each other random songs in our youth so I didn't know how to interpret it.
This April my ex boyfriend broke up with me because he was 100% convinced that I'm a lesbian and said some really hurtful things like how I never once cared about him and that I was only dating him to please my parents. And then he told me that he thought I was in love with one of my friends, that friend was her. But I had only ever mentioned her to him twice ever.
I ended up telling one of my coworkers the lore and he convinced me to write a post just getting everything off my chest, and so I did. And she told me that she still loves me. That she "loves me with a burning passion" and that her last ex thought that she was still in love with me. But this is where things get tricky. Not only is she far away in Alaska right now, she's been caught up in drugs. Not like a weed dependency, or like taking shrooms too often, but coke. She admitted to feeling lost and out of control. I don't know if I could be strong enough to help someone struggling with an addiction right now. And not just that, but what if she's just searching for something familiar in such an unsure time? I just don't know what to do.
TLDR: my first love, recently told me that she still loves me after five years but she's currently caught up in drugs
| 2 |
I want to go to therapy.
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I (25, high functioning autistic) think I have problems with commitment? Examples
We always move in 4 to 2 years part.
Either for my mom (who is allergic to mold and electrical energy around certain areas) or my dads job.
I can’t make friends because of this. I’ve never had a boyfriend/girlfriend or job because of this.
While my siblings have settled down I have to keep moving with my parents from state to state. And every time I finally make friends, I find connections with other people aside from my family. We move away or get upstaged my my siblings who are not autistic.
Once, I was in a theater production of Annie (I was man 4 but whatever) it got me experience and I got to make some friends. Later on I got the part of Baloo in the jungle book and I was really looking forward to it until my dad said “call the Theatre and tell them you can’t take the part. We’re moving” so I did. It really hurt hearing the instructor tell me how sad she was to hear that and offered a going away party for me but my dad interrupted by saying that she can’t and she needs to help pack prepare. That was the last time I heard from that studio. And it still haunts me.
Years later I found a singing teacher who I really admired and even got me a part in 101 Dalmatians! But while I was in practice my mom texted me and told me that the area we were in didn’t test well for her and guess what, we had to move.
But this time they let me finish with the production and then we would move. However, this whole process was super stressful. While trying to remember lines and dance moves, I had to go back home to pack and deal with constant screaming and shouting from my siblings and parents. I swear the whole experience gave me ptsd.
Then at our new place I joined a youth choirs. It was fun (second soprano was hard but still fun). Something I noticed though was instructors and other people seemed more interested in my younger brother. I have no idea why, I guess he was a boy and the choir was made up of mostly girls. So he got all the solos, all the attention while I was just known as brothers older sibling. It felt really off putting. Then one day he decided that this wasn’t something he wanted so he left. The only time people came to talk to me though was to ask me where’d my brother go. I thought maybe I wasn’t social enough so I really stepped out of my comfort zone and tried to be fun, vocal and cool. And it worked for the most part. I got to sing in A drop that Contained the Sea. And people next to me were saying how good I was remembering all the words (it was in a different language) I thought to myself “I’m doing it! I’m finally making connections!”
But Alas only after staying there for two years. We moved again. Back to square one.
There was a glimmer of hope in the new house though. My parents didn’t rent it like others. They bought it! So maybe now I can make connections right? Wrong! After four years we left in one of the most grueling moves I’ve ever experienced. But I tried this time! I really tried to have a life but it was almost impossible. Because of my autism I went to a place called the Ark. it was a place for autistic people to get social outings and to have some fun. I thought to myself “great! This will be my thing! Something I’ll do and not be overshadowed by my much more successful siblings!”
It was nice for the first year but my sister did a presentation about her job and they seemed more interested in what she does rather than what I could do. They invited her back whenever they could and I was yet again forgotten. Left as sisters younger sibling.
I thought “we’ll that was a bust” so I wanted to start driving! It took me five tries at the permit test but I got it. Now all I had to do was learn how to drive. But my mom’s knee twisted in a really bad way and can’t take me driving anymore And my dads too busy to help.
After a long drive to our new house that we’re only been renting for a year, I thought to myself “what’s the point of doing musical theater, making friends and making connections when I’ll just have to move away and start over?” So I decided that right there and then I wouldn’t try so hard to find a place to call home. That I wouldn’t make long lasting friendships. That I’d just keep to myself. I don’t want to start over. I just want to settle down and make a life for myself.
And now I’m 25 years old with no friends, no job. No drivers license and no social skills.
I know your thinking “why don’t you move out?”
I cant. I have autism and a learning disability. Which makes the most simple things seem impossible. And my moms health is getting worse by the day, not to mention my parents are getting older. AND we have a bulldog who is very time consuming. (I love you Huxley)
My parents tell me that it’s ok to leave and find an apartment but I don’t believe them. I believe that they need me to stay, to help with stuff around the house, I can’t just leave. I have no experience in the real world and every time I try to, something bad happens at home or we move and I have to help.
One day, I asked my mom if I could go to therapy to help figure out some of my issues with commitment and stuff and she said “you don’t need it, your whole generation thinks they need labels to identify what’s wrong with you and give you an excuse to get out of work! You're you! That’s all That matters!” And now I’m just more confused and hurt than ever. I can’t talk to her without bringing up the label thing again.
And that’s the thing, I can’t talk to them about this. I’ll never get my wording right and I’ll look like a selfish bad guy.
So that’s why I’m writing this. Mom, dad if you ever find this. This is the god's honest truth. I don’t hate you two at all. You're the best parents I’ve ever known. I just had to get this off my chest and if it’s just by reading it then fine. I I wish I had the answers for why this is happening to me but I don’t.
I’m just so lost and confused.
| 1 |
I wish I wasn’t an introvert
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I just don’t like being in large groups of people, but I want relationships. I’m also an everything virgin at 17, and I feel like it’s not gonna change because I hate new people.
| 1 |
My gf was murdered and I still feel shame around it.
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So, this is a long story, but I’ll try and be brief.
I met this girl online in an online dating forum. She was from America and I’m from England. We got chatting back and forth and we formed a bond, it developed into a kind of romantic relationship as much as it could be with so much distance between us. For all intents and purposes we were bf and gf.
We would talk every day at length about stuff back and forth. I was broke and in college studying Art and she worked at an office.
We shared everything with each other, our challenges, how we felt about stuff that was affecting us, our other relationships, everything. We were really emotionally close. We were also really attracted to each other, I guess, it’s weird when it’s just photos back and forth but, honestly, when I say she was beautiful I mean it in all my soul.
She was kind and sweet and caring and always, always loving.
She had a condition called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (EDS). It’s a connective tissue disorder in which people’s joints are hyper mobile because the stuff that keeps them all in one place, the connective tissue, is just not strong enough and gets weaker with time. In some people, the condition is manageable, they can live relatively normal lives, but unfortunately for her the condition gradually got more and more severe. There are other complications with it, but that’s the general thrust of her illness.
She had some surgeries to try and fix things that had started to fail on her, her arm would often dislocate and she had to have a procedure to try and encourage the bone to stay in place. She had other problems too. The condition affected certain muscles in her body, one of which affected the control of her bladder, so she would often get sepsis infections due to a build up of her urine and the fact that her body just wasn’t able to process it properly.
When we started getting to know each other, she was a normal healthy 20 something living a relatively normal life. She had a car, an apartment a full time job. In the time that I knew her, that life would change so much for the worse until eventually she was reduced to a trolley seat (I don’t know the name for it but it was like a seat she could sit into that had wheels and handles). She’d sit into and wheel herself around her home, trying not to exert any pressure on her joints in case they would dislodge.
She was in constant pain. Not long before she died she told me that her ribs were starting to become dislodged and this was making her breathing very difficult and sleeping was a literal nightmare.
She lived with her mom who took care of her every day and who also suffered with EDS but to a lesser extent.
She needed various operations at the time urgently. Unfortunately they had no health insurance and, though I’m not quite sure of how the public health system works in America, at the time she was benefitting from O’Bama care. It was around that time that Trump came into power and reversed the policy and they then found that procedures which had been approved previously were now being charged to them at their usual rate, which was astronomical.
Surgery from that point on was effectively off the cards. They simply didn’t have the money to pay for them and even if they did, there was no real guarantee that they would even work. I desperately wish that I could’ve helped them financially at the time. I had basically no money to my name and was living off a student bank loan.
Her world became smaller and smaller until eventually she just lay in bed often in agony.
Around that time I was completing my college course and though we still spoke, I had started to loose my grip on things with her. I had to try and prioritise my work and focus if I was ever going to finish.
The part that fills me with shame and that makes this post a confession I guess is that, I hadn’t told her that I loved her in a while before she died. And I don’t know that she really knew how much I really did. How much I needed her. Now I won’t ever know.
One day, out of the blue I got a phone call from her friend. She told me what had happened.
In the intervening period she’d made a suicide pact with her mom. She wanted to die. It was too painful and all hope was lost. Her mom was to shoot her and then shoot herself. One night before she went to sleep she said that she didn’t wanna have to wake up.
She managed to shoot her daughter in the head as she slept. Didn’t manage anyone else.
She ended up in jail not long after that. She confessed to the whole thing, said it was a mercy killing, which, for my girl it probably was an end to the suffering.
I miss her every day. If this post serves for anything, I hope at least that it serves to help promote awareness of EDS. It’s a difficult condition to diagnose and Doctors sometimes miss it. If you have hyper mobility, joints that sometimes become dislocated, feel tired constantly, please, raise it with your doctor and get checked. Sometimes early intervention can help a lot.
Thanks for reading.
| 0 |
My aunt did in a planecrash
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I still can't really belive it. The last few days have been very foggy, because this just feels so unreal to me.
Last Sunday I got back from a vacation with my friend, and she dropped me off at my place. 2 hours later I get a call from my dad, asking if I'm at home, and that I should sit down. He had some very bad news, and there had been an accident which she did not survive. She was on a work related flight and the plane crashed, and she died on impact.
We had been very close for the last few years, and I felt like I could count on her whenever I didn't feel like I could talk to my parents. We didn't live very close to each other for the last few months, but we met regularly and the bond was always very strong between us.
I felt so alone in this moment, and even when spending time with my family, I felt alone. Over the last few days, we have been grieving together as a family, but it doesn't feel real. All of us being together, but she's not there .
I just feel so incredibly empty on the inside, and have been eating a lot to full the void I feel. I have never lost anyone before this, and I just don't know how I should be feeling. I know my family is all going through the same loss as me, but I still feel like I'm by myself on this emotional fight.
| 1 |
Today should of been my wedding day.
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Today I 23f should of been marrying my partner 24m but life didn't go to plan. He took his own life back in February before I even told him that after 4 misscarriages we're having a baby, but not one.. Twins. His family hates me, blame me, I've lost everything including my home since it was in his name. I haven't fought the family over anything I've let them take everything. Now they want the babies, they're gaslighting me to the fact how I live in a homeless women's hostel, won't be able to care for my babies, how I'm mentally ill myself now, and that due to me not telling him that would of saved their sons life.. so I need to replace that by giving them full custody of My babies. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore my heads a mess. It's 9pm I've been crying all day. I'm heavily pregnant with not long left worried about everything, I've not had a second to enjoy this pregnancy and im so scared I will reject them or if they'll look like their father. I guess it's been a long read, I'm tired, I've cried all day. I'm a mess.
Tommy my darling I love you
What I'd give to have you back,
You had shown and gave me love like no other,
If only you had let me help you, If you had spoken to me, we could of got through anything together. I'm so sorry you went through it alone. My heart aches for you, I'm scared to live this life without you, I'm terrified. Today should of been our day, but here I am sat in bed, writing in my notes sobbing my eyes out, I'll end up posting this somewhere, I don't care who sees I'm hurting and need too air this out babe.
I'm trying my hardest to be strong but how strong can one be I'm trying I'm really trying. Our little miracles will always know their daddy, I wish I told you sooner. I hope where ever you are you're resting easy my love and out of all the pain you must of been facing. I'll love you to the end of time and more.
I wish I didn't rush off that morning, I wish I knew the rest of your silly joke babe
Im just lost I guess I'll end this poetically and say today should of been my wedding day.. today should of been the happiest day of my life but today im as broken as ever
Sorry for my long post, I don't want sympathy I don't want hate, I don't even think I would want to reply to any comments.
I'm just hurting to much and I just needed to air this out.
Thanks for listening guys
| 90 |
Issue that’s bothering me
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To start off, this is a throw away account. I just wanted to come on here to release some frustration that has me in a bad mood. Last night my 6 year old daughter touched me inappropriately. This really set me off because it’s not the first time it happened, I let it go as an accident the first time. But this time I know she did it on purpose and I snapped at her. I didn’t know what to do but I knew she knew what she was doing. I felt uncomfortable. I tried to talk to my wife about it and she said she would talk to her but idk it’s just frustrating that she thought this was okay. I don’t know the best way to deal with this. It’s just I don’t want this to be a thing and I know how schools are so i don’t want to look like some pedophile. Cause I’m not. So yeah that’s all I have to say. I assume many of you are going to talk shit about me, it doesn’t matter at this point.
| 3 |
My dad makes cruel jokes about my scars
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In my early teens I was depressed, which led to me self harming and an attempt to take my own life. This led to scars all over my body. My dad knows all this, but has on multiple occasions made fun of my scars. He likes to point them out, and not just when were alone. It doesn’t happen on a daily basis, but when it does I feel really hurt. When I react negatively he says that he feels hurt, but I don't know how to not react negatively (I'm not mean about it, I just get quiet and a bit distant for a little bit.)
Whenever he says something about my scars my chest gets really weird and I often leave the room to cry, wash up and come back so I don't make a scene. When I've asked him to stop he argues that one should be able to joke about everything. It makes me really sad. Sorry if this post doesn’t contain much story, but I'm really upset about it. I love my dad so so much but he makes it hard to love myself.
| 1 |
People who act like having sex is more normal than not having sex are weird to me.
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People seem to sometimes act like it's more normal to have sex than not when it isn't. Not having sex is like breathing air. Most of the time we do it without even thinking about it. It's the natural state of a human being to not have sex. And if sex is somehow even remotely good why do our societies create so many rules against it? They make it very clear to us that having sex leads to all kinds of negative consequences like bad relationships and risk of STD's and pregnancies if it's of a heterosexual sort.
Can't stand how people have the audacity to assume I've had sex before. What's even more insulting is that some say it's okay on the basis of age which screams ageism.
| 5 |
Gross Habit Almost made a Cop Throw up
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So as a kid a couple of constant things I experienced were anxiety and getting stopped by the police while walking to somewhere in my neighborhood or in a store or restaurant. Usually I got stopped by the police 1 - 3 times a months. The anticipation of when it would happen next and how embarrassing it would get or how far the police would take it stressed me out pretty bad. Unfortunately, around that time my ability to handle the anxiety wasn't quite there and I gained some weird habits because of it.
One of the habits was chewing on something to release the tension. At first I would chew my shirt sleeves, which eventually lead to holes and depending on how stressed I got it would get pretty gross...then I moved on to chewing plastic things as I got made fun of the the shirt thing. The little plastic bottles my asthma medicine came in were the perfect texture and durability. Gum was too soft and sticky. But I started getting made fun of for that too and my parents were very concerned...I ended up hiding the chewed up plastic containers in my backpack and throwing them away when people didn't notice...But eventually a bunch of racist old guys and Karens who were getting a little anxious themselves about all of the minorities moving in and spending time in the town and they started doing things like calling the police on people for silly reasons and forcing them to empty their pockets in public.
One contentious time after school the police were called on me in a restaurant because I would only respond with, "Hey, Leave me alone" and "I don't want to talk" to a lady who kept demanding to know me why I kept coming to my town (she thought I didn't live there). More people started joining in and The police came and she told them that I was harassing her and they handcuffed me and went through my pockets and backpack.
When the police officer reached into a pocket on my backpack he pulled out a wad of wet, slimy, smelly, chewed up, plastic He was so disgusted and freaked out he began loudly questioning me about what he just grabbed and why I had it. The look of disgust on his face made me feel tiny and the laughter of the people who saw, including the lady who called the police on me made me feel completely humiliated. The police officer then lectured me about being weird and gross and made me leave the restaurant. Eventually I was developed OCD and had to be put on medication. I've since grown out of it, but every time I see a plastic tube with a similar texture or a Karen tries to question me about being somewhere, I remember the time I almost made a cop throw up.
| 1 |
what does it means to be not serious in life?
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do i need to take everything as a joke? or should i position myself as a clown so it can be fun lol?
i'm so confused on how things works now in life. the more i thinking about it the more tired and miserable i am.
| 1 |
I cut my best friend out of my life five years ago and I miss him.
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He was like my brother, people often asked us if we were brother and sister. But after he, my boyfriend, and I traveled through Latin America together for three months, I finally recognized him for the freeloading, manipulative, monster that he was. After that trip, I never spoke to him again.
I always told myself he was just one of those people that you either love or hate. The rest of my friend group never liked him that much, and they weren’t surprised when I cut him out of my life. They were done with him long ago.
I have been thinking about him lately. Missing our hangouts. The way we joked with each other. How hard we would make each other laugh. The crazy adventures we had. I miss him so much. But I never want to speak with him again. He was so good at manipulating me, I’m scared he’ll do it all over again.
Cutting friends out of your life sucks. I know it’s what’s best for me. But damn, it’s heartbreaking.
| 1 |
i cant do this anymore
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i physically cannot take this anymore. my ex broke up with me little under a month ago, college stress is piling up, my mental health is shit. i’ve been contemplating suicide for the last 3 months. i just…i’m on the verge of a mental breakdown. i cant talk to anyone cause they’re all so busy with their own things and we don’t have the money for me to go private for therapy.
| 1 |
I cant afford to not be atleast semi popular before 18 and popular after yhat
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I know everyone lives at there own pace, but i cant shake off the feeling im totally worthless and unoriginal, theres people online my age but way mire talented, i need to get talented and popular fast, ether that ir i… yaknow… i need to get better at storytelling writing editing etc
| 1 |
Can't talk to anyone about this
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Not that it's anything ridiculously bad, but felt I needed to make a throwaway to get my full feelings out about this.
I've been dating my fiancé for at least 6 years. In that time he has made progress to better his life (getting a job, working out, etc) although very slowly. Part of it is he relies on benefits from his disabilities and part of it is he doesn't believe in the 9-5 job and would rather stream.
To give some background on his childhood/ family his father used to be fairly successful with his job until his mother freaked out about him being gone so often for work so he did his job less and less until he essentially didn't do much at all except his music making. His mother does the odd job, but she is basically just a stay at home and the two of them live in government housing and do who knows what all day. The mother, while very sweet, basically babies all her children and after hounding the father to leave his job due to her anxiety has torn the entire family into poverty/relying on the government. One of his sister works, but was charged with selling a mass amount of drugs at one point. One brother travels a lot for his photography and seems to be the most productive of the bunch, whereas the littlest brother was coddled and barely leaves the house due to social anxiety.
Now we have a better picture of what his family is like. This man is a very motivated, energetic, and positive person. I have seen him motivate people like no one else. He has lead large scale guilds and groups in video games and has worked part time as a manager for a disabled children organization. But he is so fixated on streaming at the moment as his final job that he says he doesn't want to do anything else (besides have benefits and his part time taking care of kids). He said even if he lost his benefits he would still refuse to work a normal job. I am trying my best to support him through making him art for his stream, moderating his chat, and helping edit videos. But problem keeps persisting that he does no consistently stream. And when I get on him about it he makes an excuse. It has gotten very tiring to get him to do something he supposedly loves to do. I've talked to him so many times about this and sometimes it gets to the point where he just doesn't want to talk about it at all.
This is all a lot, but I had to get it off my chest.
| 1 |
my love Frits is dead
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Frits, Floris and Piet came into my life when the relationship with my true human love stranded. Those 3 cats saved my life. I love them with all my heart.
Piet (the dad) was such a confident cat. His children Floris and Frits were a bit different. Floris was a childlike cat and glued to Piet like he was his mom. Until the day Piet died he tried to drink milk from his father. The derp. After his death he became my baby. Piet was the senior. Stable and wonderful. Frits was my small buddy till today. for 12 years we lived together. I don’t know how the F i Am going to go through life without my wonderful small hairy funny hooligans.
Piet died of cancer, Floris died of heart disease and Frits today of cancer. Fuck, i hate this world. When does it get any better? I’m wondering if I could have an relationship with a human as profound as with my cat guys.
| 1 |
Leaving my job
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I'm going to miss my colleagues.
At least the ones I work with in our department (IT). We're a small team all around the same age with the same humour and have sort of inside jokes, too. I leave at the end of the month and we get along, and I'm afraid I won't be able to have the same fun work relationship with my new team.
Our workplace is toxic. I know they're not going to be staying (one of them wants to complete his 1st year here and the other one is interviewing), and there's no chance of me passing up this opportunity I've been offered at another company, although it did take me a while to make the decision because of them.
I also don't think I'll be able to stay in contact with them either, as it's always a bit awkward when you're the opposite gender and they have partners. I really hope one day in the future that we'll miraculously end up on the same team again.
It's my first job so I've never had to experience this sort of stuff before.
| 1 |
I get really upset when my wife gets phone calls for no reason
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I (f 20) am married to the most wonderful woman (f 28) in the world. I love spending time with her, watching shows together, talking with her, planning our future together, etc. I love every second I spend with her. Except when she randomly gets phone calls and takes them.
This 100% isn't her fault. It's not like the phone calls happen every couple minutes or anything (maybe once a day, if that?) and she always readily tells me who it was and what was talked about when prompted. It's normally her parents, other family, friends, or work, all completely normal people to call. And she talks about normal things with them (granted I don't understand her native language yet, but I trust her fully when she explains and I know enough words to have a vague idea- she does the calls in front of me too so it's not like she's hiding anything).
It's just... whenever she gets called we're in the middle of a conversation. We're pretty much together all the time so it's natural that the call would usually happen whenever we're talking but, for whatever reason, being in the middle of a conversation and then her just getting a call and taking it hurts. Again, it's not her fault, and I've talked to her about my feelings and told her that there's nothing she can really do about it. Rationally, there's nothing she's doing wrong, and I love that she's maintaing relationships with other people- so why does it hurt anyways when this happens?
| 1 |
The idea of falling in love with someone feels so foreign to me
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I'm in my mid-20's, never been in love, never been in a relationship.
I can't even fathom the idea of meeting a stranger and just spending my life with them? I don't say that in a sense of judgment, I just literally can't even make sense of it... and to clarify, I haven't not been in a relationship because of lack of opportunity, I just don't have that desire.
Sometimes I feel like somethings wrong with me or like I'm missing a "love" gene. It's hard sometimes navigating a world that seems obsessed with sex, love, and relationships.
| 2 |
I feel scammed
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I feel like an absolute asshole for this, but a couple of years ago a met a guy online, we were both looking for casual sex. I like to meet someone before doing anything and we talked for like 2 months before meeting up, I really liked him, he was fun and cute and very kinky.
The thing is we just kept meeting up but we didn't have sex, I proposed the idea to him one day but he said he didn't feel like it that day, the sex was being postponed but I still wanted to see him so we met up. Many things happened and we fell in love and he eventually told me the truth, he went through some traumatic stuff and wasn't able to have sex. He was still a pretty horny person so some things happened and to this day some things do happen, we had sexual situations but not the way I would like to.
I'm very in love with him, we tried an open relationship but it didn't work out for either of us, I can't imagine my life without him but if he had told me the truth from the begging I do not think we would have ever dated seriously. I have a high sex drive and it feels like torture to be so in love with someone and not being able to express it physically. It's not his fault but I feel somehow betrayed, I feel like I had the right to know this information before falling in love with him.
I know he tries, he does his best, but he's never able to finish what he himself starts sometimes, if I bring up this he feels hurt because "we had sex two weeks ago", but we didn't we just had half assed sex and it is simply not enough. I feel so frustrated but he's the most amazing person I have ever met. I just don't know what to do, it's not fair.
| 1 |
My two bestfriends are moving schools
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Idk how to feel about it. This all was sudden. I was mentally preparing myself because it was my third bestfriend who was originally moving schools. Fortunately, during the last week, she told me she was staying. So i thought yay, the gang will still be together. However, i just got the news that the two others are leaving. I cant express my sadness. I rarely hang out with them outside of school because i have strict parents so now i wont even be able to see them. I was not ready for this. My whole life i thought that we would all graduate together. Now, only two of us will. I dont have anyone else other than them. I feel angry about this yet i cant blame them because it is the best for them.
| 2 |
I’m upset and coping with the emotions is difficult
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Just need a place to vent for a second. My ex and I got back into contact in April after being broken up for half a year. We were talking about reconciling, and they wanted some time to think about things before we met to talk in person, which is fair because I also wanted to talk with my therapist about it. We both made it clear to each other that if either of us was no longer interested in reconciling or we were seriously involved with someone else, we’d communicate that. And since then, I’ve been spending time in therapy, talking to family and friends, journaling, etc. It’s now been 2 months and I haven’t heard a word. I’m going to be starting a new job soon, I assume she’s continuing with uni, I thought if we were going to sit down and talk, this summer would be the right time since we would get busy with things come August and we wouldn’t have the energy to have an emotional conversation.
It just sucks. I’m trying my hardest not to assume, I’m trying to give her the benefit of the doubt but two months with no word makes me to feel like she isn’t interested. I’m upset that I’ve poured so much energy, emotion, and thought into this and it’s looking like we won’t talk. I just wish that if she wasn’t interested, she’d let me know so I don’t have to sit here and keep guessing whether she’s interested or not. I could message her but I want to respect her space and I’m trying to trust that she will reach out when she’s ready. Anywho, I’m exhausted from being in an emotionally vulnerable state for so long and I honestly don’t know how much longer I can do it since it’s taking a serious toll on my mental health. Any advice is welcome, but thank you for reading my little vent.
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Sitting in my car tearing up after quitting my job
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I got my job a year ago after graduating from college. Analytics job with a mid-size retailer in the US - a hybrid role. My first job ever. I work in a department of about 50, but I never really got to know anyone outside of my team (2 people). I have anxiety - bad, and this job requires a level of public speaking that stresses me out.
I got an offer for a remote job (the same role) a few weeks ago and put in my two weeks notice. I was ecstatic to finally land a remote job. But as I finish my last few days here, it’s gotten more and more isolating, and I have genuinely never felt worse or more alone in my life. Those two team members were the only people I spoke to on a regular basis. We would literally talk for hours about football because we all loved it so much.
Today was my last day. Finished about an hour ago. The first thing I did was go to an empty parking lot and just start crying. I thought I would be happy to leave this job, but I’ll miss my coworkers. I’m regretting quitting. Regardless of how much I disliked the job or the role, I wish I stayed. I already miss it and it’s only been 1 fucking hour.
I feel so empty right now. Lonely. The heavy feeling in your chest when someone dies.
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I hate them more every day
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Throwaway for obvious reasons. I (16f) got born into a pretty unlucky situation, kind of poor and with not great parents. I'm the eldest of 2 and I've had to deal with these kinds of situations for longer than my younger sibling.
Today, I live with my mom and sibling, and while we split away from our dad, we get along well. We moved away due to his abuse, but even when we moved when I was 14 it never really hit me that it was abuse until now. There were a lot of insults, manipulation, guilt tripping and physical abuse. Since then, our family seems to be getting along fine.
I've been happy enough until a few weeks ago. I've always had kind of shit memory of my childhood, I'm not sure if it was because this behaviour was the norm to me, or if it's because it's a coping mechanism my brain developed. But recently I've been uncovering a lot more memories of when I was a child, from like 4-12 years old. I've started to remember things like the time my father threw a PC at me, when he belittled and shouted and threatened to hit me with a lamp, and the time he said he'd take my sister and I into his car and crash it, essentially killing all of us.
But the issue is that my mom wasn't really any better. She used to sometimes grab me by the neck, push me down on my bed and chocke me until I said I understood her threats and whatnot. She also did her fair share of physical discipline. I don't understand what I ever did to justify this kind of treatment. It's not the shouting that was the issue because that can be justifiable but this feels a bit extreme to me. Even to this day she still calls both my sister and I useless, even though I do my very best to help around the house and help whenever my mother or my father are severely upset. Sometimes she threatens to go hang herself because of us. (I don't think a child should be the one listening to this kind of stuff from a parental figure). I am also autistic and chronically ill, so it is difficult for me to do a lot of things even though I try my very best to understand, but it hurts when she talks about how much she wanted a healthy kid or the time she said she doesn't want her child to have autism.
I'm disgusted with my dad for his treatment towards my family, and my mom claims that she was always angry at us because of what my father did to her. While I understand this, it doesn't seem fair to me that because of this she thinks it's ok to take it out on me, and to essentially mean that I am abused by not one parent but two. She even admitted to favouring my younger sister over me because I am apparently my dad's favourite.
But I'm also disgusted at my mother. How dare she point fingers when she was just as bad as my dad towards me? Sometimes arguements come up, and whenever I mention any of this, she denies it and gets defensive and instead of acknowledging anything, she immediately tries to justify her behaviour and try and frame me as deserving of any of this. While I can have an attitude so to speak, it is only when I am hurt or harassed, and other than that I always do my best to help out, and I am very well behaved at school with good grades so I'm not sure what her issue is.
Like I said, over the past few weeks, I've been feeling more and more resentment towards the two as I remember more things that happened when I was younger. Although they thinks it's all ok now, I don't think they'll grasp the fact that I'll never fully recover from what they did and said to me. I don't feel fully safe in either house and I don't know if it's fair for me to still detest them even though they've apparently been trying to improve. I feel horribly guilty for this but I can't stop myself from feeling resentment towards them. I flew to my grandads house abroad a few days ago since I finished school a month early thanks to my exams, and I feel safer here than I did back home.
Post not proof-read. I just needed to get this out somewhere
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I’ve come to realize how i was acting in my last relationship.
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I (f16) had a “revelation” about my past relationship with my ex gf (f17). For some reason it took me this long to realize that i was too dependent on her when we were together. I wanted us to call all the time and things like that. even be with each other 24/7. I told her i wanted her to take time to herself but even then there were more times where i would ask her to call me than moments where i would ask her to have some alone time to herself. when we broke up she told me it was nothing i did that made her stop being in love with me but the feeling of being drained. she was slowly being drained by me. i wish i realized this sooner and fixed my behavior but i only realized until it was too late. she also told me that she wasn’t in the state to give me the relationship i needed. as time went on i always thought what she meant by that. the only thing i could think of was that she meant a relationship where we are hip to hip 24/7 and never apart. in actuality that’s not the relationship i wanted. i wanted it to be a much healthier relationship. a relationship where we have time to ourselves and be together when we want to spend time together. i didn’t want it to feel suffocating to say the least. So as i wrap this up i would like to ask, was i reading into it to much or did i possible made the right point? is it okay for me to text her and apologize for not realizing i was too dependent on her in a unhealthy way until i was too late? I’ve change from since then but i can’t help the feeling that i caused her so much pain and put all that responsibility on to her :(.
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I ruined the relationship I had with my best friend
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I'm not really looking for advice I just want to get this off of my chest. Almost 6 years ago I met someone who would soon become my best friend. When we first met I had a crush on her because she was the most beautiful person I have ever met. I started talking to her on Instagram and we had a lot in common. We got to know each other over the year and really hit it off. Eventually I admitted to her that I have really deep feelings for her and she said she also had feeling for me and we dated for a short period of time. She told me she's not ready for a relationship atm which I was a bit upset with but I understood because she was only recently in a relationship beforehand. I distanced myself a little bit after that but soon enough I had to talk to her like normal because she was the only person I had ever opened up to in my life and talking to her was my favourite part of any day, I would drop anything just to talk to her. Later on in that year I ended up dating her again I hoped it would end up well this time but I wasn't so lucky. I went somewhere and had left my phone at home from which I didn't have for probably 45ish hours. I got home and the first thing I did was grab my phone to text her and the message preview was "I'm breaking up with you" I didn't open that message til the next day and cried myself to sleep that night. This one hurt me a lot more than the last time and I cut off contact with her for a while. I said some horrible things irl to her which I deeply regretted and which she Eventually forgave me and we became best friends just like how we used to be. We argued sometimes and it got pretty bad sometimes but we always came back to each other apologising. About a year later I ended up in a relationship with her again and I thought I could make it work this time and would try my absolute best to make it work. This was in highschool so I saw her almost everyday. Before school and after school I would sit alone with her and we would just talk and laugh just how a normal couple would. But the problem came when I really REALLY struggled talking to her as soon as she was with her friends. We have our own friend groups and I just got scared everytime I tried to talk to her with her friends around my heart would beat really fast and i would get a tight pain in my chest and felt lightheaded. I hung out with her and her friend group sometimes but I was just there not really saying or doing anything. I apologised to her for being such a bad bf and told her that I'm trying but it's just really hard for me when we're not alone. Eventually this ended in the downfall of our relationship and she broke up with me. I tried talking to her after she said that but I was just on delivered begging her to give me another chance. The next morning she said "sorry my phone got taken and I was getting yelled at for hours" my response was that it said she was active the whole time to which she said her phone bugs out and Facebook says she is online. I dont know whether any of that is true but I said "aight" "I gtg" she messaged Me the next day and I left her on opened we exchanged a few texts but nothing really nice. For a while i would cut myself, stab things through my legs just to feel something, youve probably all heard it before. About a month later, once again we became friends again and pretty quickly we clicked again and talked constantly. This went on for about 4 months then idk i just decided this is never gonna end well a d started ignoring her. Eventually something happened irl that I didn't care about that much but used it as an excuse to cut her off and be an asshole if she contacted me. A few months later in summer holidays she apologized for what happened all I said was idgaf are you done talking to me. Again about 2 months later she reached out to me to which I was initially rude but it ended up in us having an actual conversation which I truly did miss. At this point we were talking again for about. Again this lasted about 3 months and I can't 100% remember what happened but I'm pretty sure I just decided not to text her one day and see what she does. I never got a message from her. Another few months later I messaged her and we had a conversation on that day and not any day after that on Facebook until out of nowhere a few months later she blocks me on Facebook. We wernt talking at that point anymore but it still hurt. On insta a few months later she replied to my story saying she would join a game I was playing we talked a tiny bit over the next 2 or so months then got back to talking almost like we used to. We didn't talk for about a week and she said sorry life has been hectic and It was all pretty dry. We didn't talk for a couple weeks and one night I had a few too many beers and told her we should be fwb a few short messages after that and then she blocked me. It's definitely not the worst I've said to her, in the past I said and did some horrible things which I regret but I guess she had enough. It's been almost 3 years since then and I still think about her all the time. I've logged onto other Instagram accounts to see how she's doing. She's had a bf for almost 2 years now but is completely inactive but I guess she has moved on. She's living life and probably doesn't even remember me but I dwell on it all constantly. I have never found anyone else who I've had such a connection with and I don't think I ever will. I haven't shared any of my feelings to anyone other than her in my life. And now I have no one to talk to, no one to share my feelings with and no one to make me as happy as she made me every day. I don't even want a relationship with someone who's not her because she meant the world to me and I ruined it all. I hate everything I cry into my pillow when she's on my mind. I just wish I could go back to how it used to be. I wish I had my best friend still. I want to reach out to her and apologise for everything I did while we were friends but she blocked me and obviously wants nothing to do with me. I've lost hope I'm barely alive almost never happy I just don't know what to do anymore. Now I'm crying and I'm going to cry myself to sleep and do it all again tomorrow. Can't wait..
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It's not that i wanna die it's that I want a break for a little while? does anyone get that
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I'm kind of tired of waking up, maintaining my body. Even stuff like eating and showering is just draining. I'm also tired of going to work and then waiting for the weekend only to do more cleaning/chores and then it's time for work again -\_-
I don't really have IRL friends. My current workplace is 100% remote so I can't hang with coworkers cause they dont live near me.
I do have some online friends that are nice. I go on social media and try to be kind of social there but it doesn't work.I'll lurk online and then the second I do say/post something, someone hits me back and they're all mad at me. So then I stop talking for awhile and then if I want to say anything again, I get attacked. It's like a game of whack a mole and I'm the mole.
Idk what's wrong with me. I'm just tired. I don't really like waking up cause there's nothing to look forward to, unless sometimes one of my online friends pings me. then I'm a bit happier.
The only real reason to get up is to take care of my cat's needs. and I do like her and that's why I get up in the morning.
But other than that, I just don't like existing. Is this all there is? I don't get what the hype is.
I'm sorry that my problems are so stupid. I feel like there's just something wrong with me. I can't be happy.
I do not have immediate family anymore. They are not around.
​
Anyway the reason im posting is because someone got mad at me for a post I made. Got all aggressive and swearing about it. Like damn. So I don't know what to do now. I invited them to discuss with me in a civil manner but I doubt they'll reply. This kind of thing just ruins my day even tho its so stupid. No one else wants to say anything unless its anger or hatred.
If there was someone on earth who deserved it more and wanted to switch places with me I'd let them. I don't really want to stay alive maintaining this body and this life. Sometimes I even think maybe I should give the cat away and then what? I dunno.
Genuinely I would give this life to someone else because I don't feel happy here. But I can't. So here i am.
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My grandmother died in my arms 5 years ago today
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My grandmother was my best friend, and was more of a mother to me than my own mom was. Her and my grandfather told me I was the daughter they never had. She got leukemia when I was 14 and died 4 years later, two days before my college orientation. She’s the reason I’ve gone into the medical field. She died in my arms from sepsis, it was the most brutal death I could’ve imagined for her. She screamed for hours, I was basically alone with her and all I could do was hold her and play her favorite songs. Her death plays in my head all the time. I can’t remember how she sounds anymore. I can’t remember her mannerisms. It feels like she’s gone and no matter how long it’s been I can’t get over it
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I cant do this anymore
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i’m forced to get used to a whole different country and university as a sophomore because I couldn’t get a visa to continue in the university i was in. I’m trying to look at things from a bright side but there isn’t anything bright about this. I hate change and it takes me awhile to get used to things so being in a whole different environment when and starting from 0 while i was supposed to graduate soon hurts. I haven’t been eating or sleeping all i think about is my friends i left behind and my college life that i lost i try to get through the day but the image of my friends graduating without me there makes it hard to get out of bed. I’m not okay and i have no one to reach out to
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I survived but I am emotionally suffering.
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Hi. I survived an earthquake that wiped my home off the map. It’s been months, yet I am still suffering the consequences. I need to get it off my chest.
It has been difficult. I feel like I lost my identity with this disaster. I still remember the moment of the shake and every single time my brain reminds me of that memory I get scared. It is momentary, but the fear is always there. And the sadness attached to the aftermath. I think the sadness has been with me ever since, never left. Sometimes it sinks down lower in my heart, but it is ever consistent.
I still don’t have a home, I barely got out of the one I lived in, when the earthquake hit. Homelessness takes a toll on you. I got places to stay and stuff, I’m obviously not on the street, but none of these places are my home. I want my home and my comfort zone back. But it is gone. Forever. I know I should build a new home for myself somewhere new, have a new comfortable area for myself to feel safe in, but seems very difficult at the moment.
People around me (who haven’t been through the disaster) sometimes forget what I’ve been through. It’s only natural, I cannot blame them. It would be the same with me too. But it still hurts. It still hurts to see that they have their beautifully regular and routine and boring lives, with their loved ones around, in their safe places, and I have to live with the fact that I don’t have those things anymore. It hurts that they have the luxury to forget about the disaster. I don’t. I cannot. This is my reality, and I live with this every waking moment. Heck, every sleeping moment too, apparently. I have the occasional nightmare about it.
Sometimes it gets worse, and sometimes the pain is more manageable. The manageable durations are where I do not have nightmares while I sleep, and where I can semi-enjoy my favorite tv shows. And the worse times are… Difficult. Nothing I do seems to get my mind off things, and the uneasiness in my chest seems to grow heavier and more persistent. Right now is a worse time kind of time.
It has been MONTHS. Why am I not healing? Why do I still feel sad? What will be my solution to this? Having a new home where I feel safe and where I feel like I belong? I know I will have that again one day, but how about until then? And will it ever really fix my emotional state? Because it feels like even then the sadness and the pain would be there just the same.
I know there is no proper way to answer these questions, and I don’t expect anyone to answer them for me obviously. It’s just that the weight of my emotions feel unbearable for me right now and I needed to get it out.
I’ve been talking to friends and family about this as well. But it seems that that is also not helping at all. Because see, I’m still as broken as before.
I’ve never been through anything as difficult or traumatizing as this before in my life. I feel fortunate about that and feel grateful. And yet, this trauma is something I don’t know how to deal with. If anyone ever reads this whole thing and is willing to tell me somethings, I’m hoping they’ll help me answer this question: Is this emotional pain I’m experiencing ever going to pass, or at least fade? At the moment it feels like it never will.
(And if anyone thinks to tell me to go see a therapist, please don’t. I already do have a therapist but haven’t been able to see them yet after the disaster due to my messy living situation, and I have it planned to go see him as soon as possible. I just cannot bear seeing another “You should see a professional” comment. I already do. And plan to consult him more. Thanks for your understanding.)
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life can calm down now please
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My life has sucked this year ever since Mother's Day weekend 2023
1) Found out my wife was cheating on me.
We have stayed together and working through what she has done
2) struggling to pay off my wives bills that she has ran up
She is working extra hours to do this
3) father in law died father's day weekend
4) im in the ER with my mom because she had a diabetic keto acidosis episode
Life just has not been normal since Mother's Day and im ready for it all to calm down
Oh yeah. Since my mom has a touch of dementia as well, some insurance company had talked her out of her school benefit for life insurance and im working to get that reinstated........
But... such is life when you have a wife who decided to keep a male friend even though she knew it made me feel uncomfortable about that since i had no female friends
And such is life when you decide to become a care taker for the elderly.
Just needed to rant.
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I love my wife but she drives me crazy and I dont see us together in the long run
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TLDR: My wife has unrealistic goals and complained that we didn't reach it yet while she doesnt want to work a lot.
Please do not get me wrong, I know I have a great life even though it took a turn and love my family a whole lot but is it common to think in the long run that your partner and self dont think it would work out?
To make a very long story short, she knew my goals from the beginning when we started dating and even during our honeymoon phase. I grew up poor and never want to struggle to eat again so I have been working for my own for a while. I bought a brand new car at 23, paid in cash, and left my toxic immediate family to live somewhere with more opportunities with strangers I met on Craigslist.
I got myself to work nearly 20 hours a day being a bartender and uber driver while looking for jobs that relate to my college degree. Did that, made good enough money, traveled, made friends, build networks, went to entrepreneur events, read books, and many other things to build knowledge on real estate and owning properties. Thats until I met the girl who I still love dearly, knowing I did all these things and wanted to settle down with me.
So now my goals have switched from doing this myself to having her part of it. She knew exactly what I wanted to do and that's up until we were looking for houses together because of the spike during the pandemic. We werent even married yet and decided to look for property. Because of the spike, it did seem like a great idea to at least own property and talk about if our relationship doesnt work out, we can always sell and split equity after selling or even keep it 50/50 if we own a multi-unit. She even said OKAY to a multi-unit before we really looked.
As we did start looking, she only gave me links to single-family homes and I've sent her back multi-family. It's quite clear she rather have a single family. I kept telling her I wanted a multi to start but she kept ignoring it and claim that "we wont be bothered by neighbors". It was a bit infuriating but she agreed that a long-time friend can live with us since we did find a place with enough space so we did that. Not exactly what I wanted and not as profitable but whatever. As I started looking for jobs that pay more, she wanted to aim for jobs that she wanted to cross out in her bucket list and not really care about the money (acting, dog groomer, flight attendant, etc).
I am never the person to lecture or tell what to do. As long as she pays her half of the bills, im fine with it. But then she wanted a puppy which can take a lot of time. We fought a lot for it but she kept saying we can handle it and she will take care most of it. We got the puppy and I ended up doing all the work that has to involve me being home. Not only that, but now she wanted a child. I gave her a hard no because that would definitely delay a lot of goals I've been wanting to do. She kept crying and guilt-tripping me so basically, I gave in and we tried literally once and boom, we have a daughter.
No, im not saying my life has gotten worse from all this. It was definitely unexpected and took quite a turn, but I am still happy that we did unexpectedly create a family together. All that wasnt even the reason I made this post. The main reason is that she is started to set even more unrealistic goals for us to make without making us flat-broke. She wants an even bigger fucking house so that we can have another child and just simply she wants bigger space. I gave her an extremely hard no on this because our mortgage is already dreading and we can tell our tenant to leave.
She pouted and said that she wishes we have more money. That.... KILLED ME after all the goals that I lodged in her head what i've been wanting to do, she had the audacity to wish we did financially better. It was hard enough to even have her work again because she HATES it. She only likes her current job because she's remote and didnt have to do a lot with great pay and still watches our daughter but she won't find better-paying jobs or start a business because it's "too much stress".
Just last night we argued a lot because of this. I didnt need her to keep complaining we dont have enough money. We got legally married but we didnt have a wedding and she was disappointed about that too. I'm not the person to bring up the past but I kept telling her we had a chance to build ourselves financially better but instead, we kept going with her plans and it brings us to this. I kept telling her the best we can do is find better jobs at this point. I even thought about other types of small entrepreneurs' experiments but taking care of our daughter and dog doesn't give us that option. She never knows what to say and kept saying we can always find a way. All this was too overwhelming because I had time to think I can build myself while single but now she's telling me to think how to do this while having my own family and no time.
I dont see us working out if she keeps this up. I love her but love cant be strong enough to keep us together for her unrealistic standards.
Edit:
So I know I made it look like I was complaining about how our lifestyle is but im really not. I just dont like HER complaining that we dont have finances to buy a new house. It's insulting because I pitched a few goals how I wanted to do it but she never told me she wanted to have responsibilities first. I love my life currently and well aware things cant be done now but she has the expectation now
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I'm in love with my boss
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I (30F) met my husband, (56M) when I was only 18. He asked me on a date and while I was a little hesitant due to the age gap, I ultimately agreed. He proposed when I was 21, which I accepted and we were married two years later. 12 years later we have two children, a son (5M) and a daughter (4F). Things were going great, or at least I thought they were until about six months ago. My husband has a well-paying job that he enjoys but requires him to go on week-long business trips every couple of months. We started having issues when he returned from one of these trips. I know it sounds cliche but he just wasn't acting like his usual self. We almost never fought but when he returned home it seemed like all he wanted to do was start arguments. It hit a breaking point when he beat me during an argument. I took the kids and went to my sister's house for a few nights. I even considered divorce but I knew that meant I would loose everything. I decided to stay with him for the sake of the kids because I knew how it felt growing up without a father (my own father died when I was nine) and I didn't want to put my children through that. Around this time, I began working more hours. Due to being in the office more, I spent more time with my boss, (36M) and we started getting closer. He became a good friend to me and we started spending time together outside of work. During this time, I felt heard and seen for the first time in a while and made me realise that while my husband seemed like the perfect partner on paper, he was far from it. Sure, he had his own place, a good job, and a decent education, but he wasn't attentive or sweet like my boss was. My husband never complimented me or asked me how my day was. He didn't even do anything around the house. The more I thought about it, the more I realised I was beginning to fall in love with my boss. One night, the two of us both had to work late. All of my coworkers went home. One thing led to another and I wound up sleeping with my boss. My husband found out and is threatening divorce. I don't even know what to do right now. I can't leave my husband, I'm not in the position to. But I'm scared that if I stay he might hurt me or the kids again. What should I do?
| 1 |
im sick of my grandmother
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so my grandmother is SO FUCKING ANNOYING. she is my dad’s mom and she babies my dad so much! my dad is unemployed, and tbh i think hes depressed but wont get any help or talk to anyone. he always will get mad at me or my momma for no reason at all. my mom on the other hand, has a very good job. so sometimes my momma has to work late, and my grandmother will ask me every 5 minutes “when is ur mom coming home?” and everytime i tell her that i dont know. my mom wil go out once a month and again, i get asked when my mom is coming home and where she is. this doesnt seem that bad, but my dad will be out every sunday and come home at like 5 in the morning and she wont give 2 fucks. honestly, everyone in the houshold hates her, including my dad. sometimes the days he seems like he is feeling better, he will come out and my grandmother will just be so annoying always asking him stupid questions like “ are you awake?” “your watching tv?” “are u on ur phone?” and more. the answer to all of the questions are SO obvious, and my dad will get mad asf. here is the icing on the cake. 2 days ago, my grandmother took my younger sister (shes 5) to my dad’s sister’s house. my dad doesnt talk to his sister due to a very large arguement they had. my dad was fine with her going, but said that they should stay with my sister at all times and they are NOT spending a night there. surprise surprise, she sends my sister to the park with my dads sister and doesnt go, and convinces my sister to spend the night. my dad was PISSED, and my grandmother is visibly mad aswell because of my dad flipping out on her, and she has been just being such an ass and critizing every single thing i do. (im on my period so being critizing every 5 minutes has hit me even harder) today, ive been in my room and all of my thoughts have been about wanting her to die. i feel like an ass for even thinking that, but shes been an ass too and idk what to do.
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I feel like I lack depth.
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Growing up - I (23F) was seen as being the “loud chatterbox” kid - who could make friends with anyone. I’ve always excelled in school and have an excellent career. I’ve grown into a shy person - who can cope with social situations but not flourish.
Lately I find myself detaching from my friends - and social situations in general. Every conversation I have - I feel like I can’t contribute. Everyone else seems to know more about the world and how it works than I do. I’ve tried reading self help books, and listening to podcasts but nothing sticks??? I feel stupid that I can’t hold a conversation about anything political and feel like I come across as this aloof idiot.
I just feel like I can’t contribute anything meaningful to a conversation. I have no passions - or anything really worth listening to. Nothing about me is interesting. In conversations I find myself lost - and am always at a loss for words, when everyone else always seems to know what to say? I disassociate whenever I can to get through a conversation, but then beat myself up about it later. I wish I was well spoken and had knowledge about the world I could share with others. I just feel so different from the rest of the world and have this intense desire to connect with other people but I just can’t seem to do so. Every conversation I have is so surface level and I don’t know how to help myself.
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I couldn't pay to see the doctor so I didn't go
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I am so poor right now, I have never been so broke, I'm not asking for pity or anything I'm just stressed and too ashamed to tell anyone I know. I needed to see the doctor, I was filling out forms online in the waiting room and I was almost done but it said before I finish how am I paying, it wouldn't let me continue without it, I have $2 in my bank account, I can't afford to pay the last bill. I had to get up and silently leave, it was the most shameful walk I have ever done, I have done many shameful walks but this was so hard. I don't know when I will get treatment, I just want to see a doctor and get meds, I feel horrible for the people like me in worse situations who need health care but can not afford it
| 1 |
I am so deeply, massively fucked
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TW: talk of child sexual exploitation
I'm 17 F with autism and anxiety. When I was 14/15 I talked to someone over Kik who claimed to be a 16-year-old girl. I realize now how colossally stupid this was, but I sort of let myself get groomed.
One day, under pressure from them, I took a topless picture of myself and sent it. I regretted it immediately of course, but it was too late. They had what they needed to blackmail me into sending more.
They started making me send more and more graphically sexual things, all under threat that they would leak what I had sent previously to everyone I knew.
I won't get into what they told me to do, because it's frankly extremely disturbing and gross in hindsight, but I basically obeyed every command blindly because I absolutely positively did not want anyone to know about what I had done.
Eventually they seemed to gradually lose interest in me, and I felt relieved it was over. That is, until they sent me another message recently to confess something.
You see, some of their requests had been extremely specific, and I found out that this was because they were catfishing other people using my pictures and videos, and the requests they were giving me were often actually things people they were catfishing had requested to see.
They had told different backstories to all the people they catfished, including telling some of those people that I was adults. I feel horrible for those people who genuinely thought they were consensually sexting an adult woman, when actually it was a creep sending them photos of a teenage girl.
It feels so gross that they had been carrying on long sexting conversations with these people, and every word they said is attached to these images of me (even though my face isn't in them.) These people don't know they were catfished. My blackmailer put words in my mouth and made up backstories and different personas, all while using my body to get themself and other people off.
At one point (before they started blackmailing me) I had casually shared a picture of me as a 7 or 8 year old kid on Halloween, and apparently they sent this to people too. People got off to an innocent childhood photo of me.
I had probably made upwards of 100 sexually explicit videos for them, and basically all of those videos had been sent to at least one other person. The chance that those videos are circulating on the internet, whether the people spreading it knows it's child porn or not, seems almost certain to me.
I'm absolutely devastated. The career I want involves being somewhat of a public figure, and I'm absolutely petrified that someone will see those videos of me doing degrading sexual things and recognize me or link it back to me somehow.
I know it's my responsibility to not send things like that. I know I was (and still am) a huge idiot. I don't think I can ever tell anyone I know about this. My family would be horrified.
I know it's my fault, but I still feel like it's not fair. I was just starting to feel like my life was back on track after spending multiple years anxious and extremely depressed, and now...this.
I feel totally hopeless, like my life is over before it's even really begun. These videos seem like just a ticking timebomb waiting to blow up in my face as soon as I forget about them.
It's upsetting on a deeper level too, like my body doesn't belong to me anymore. I feel violated. I was essentially made to perform for more than twenty different people without my knowledge or consent.
I truly don't know how I'll ever be able to get over this.
| 1 |
I hate the fact that I've fallen in love
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I have not had the best of childhoods and because of that some emotions are hard or impossible for me to feel, for example love, I've never been able to feel nothing more than a small crush that lasts for maybe a day or two and after 9 years of... well a life i regret I was starting to really lose all my emotions, i wasn't happy or sad, just nothing. I was at peace, it was nice i liked it. I'm probably explaining it bad I don't know how to say it but yeah i was happy. And then this girl showed up in my life and I can't stop thinking about her, it's been nearly a month, I've never had a crush this long, i like her so much she's sweet and all but i hate it. She broke me, I'm back where i started. Ive been battling depression and after i stopped feeling all of that went away i wasn't sad I wasn't depressed but now that she's in my life all of this has come back + an emotion that's totally new to me. I can't do this, i made so much progress and all for nothing.
| 2 |
I miss the old days
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Mtv, blockbuster movies, privacy, etc. Everything today sucks. I hate it. It makes me sad. Just take me away from it, put me somewhere else.
| 16 |
I LOVE MEN SO MUCH 😭
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I Want to make this short and simple, but lots of times I just have this unfathomable love for Men and just- How charming a lot of them are. I don't want to objectify but Their Masculinity and their resilience, just everything about them is so attractive!! I can't tell this to anyone and my girls but here. Just wanted to get this off my chest. Genuinely. 😭
| 2 |
I hated my husband when I met him
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When I was almost 23 I began graduate school, and on my first day I was introduced to my officemate. He was a year older than me and had a different advisor, but his work was quite closely related in some ways to mine and his old officemate had graduated the term before. I introduced myself to him...and he immediately told me not to bother him for the rest of the week because he needed to be in the right "headspace" for writing, which apparently required complete silence.
As you might guess, that certainly was not the introduction I was expecting. My opinion of him only got worse for the next few months. I found him to be a haughty, annoying, sour, surly, whiny, insufferable prick. He was quick to flaunt what he knew and what he was learning, he never had a positive thing to say about anything other than his research (and even then, he was quick to complain when things were going tough), and he seemed to delight in bringing up the downside of everything anyone mentioned.
His opinion of me was no better. He initially treated me more like an annoyance than a colleague, and when he didn't ignore me he would be quick to roll his eyes and interject something unhelpful whenever I had a conversation in his presence. Over time, though, I noticed that the way he treated me started to change. He'd start asking my opinion on things more (both alone and in front of others), he would defend me in discussions with others, and he started making small, nice gestures, like "accidentally" making too much food for himself and offering me some and lending me books (academic and recreational) just because he thought I'd appreciate him.
Of course, this didn't really change my opinion of him, at first. It took a long time to notice the nice things about him, like how even when he was being a know-it-all he gave genuinely good advice and recommendations if you were willing to really listen to him, that we shared many hobbies, interests, passions, beliefs, and goals, he was very eccentric (a very positive thing in my book) and intelligent, and that he would do kind, generous things without wanting or expecting to be noticed for doing them.
It took a bit over a year for my opinion of him to start to change, and another year before I asked him out. He gave a very enthusiastic yes, and we've been together ever since. We've been married for 20 years now, and he's my husband, best friend, confidant, and undeniably the love of my life.
(And yes, the username was intentional. Can't be all sappy on my main account, can I?)
| 3 |
I get off from work and never know what to do and it's mentally and physically draining.
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A little background: I work at a pretty popular grocery store chain as a clerk though I can't drive due to bad eyesight. So basically in order to go out I've got to either hope someone else is going out (not really close to my family. Love them but we have nothing to talk about and I don't like going out with them) or I've got to Uber.
I don't know what to do about this anymore. Every afternoon (usually get off around 1-2) I come home and piddle around in my house. Most nights I smoke a couple of bowls from my bong but lately it's not really been enjoyable as it's just been filled with negative thoughts. Don't get me wrong I read a bit, do chores whenever they need to be done, and talk to my friends online whenever they're around but other than that not much. I mean even shows, whether they be live action or anime, can't keep my attention for more than one episode. Usually I'll hit the hay around 7:30-8ish, but try not to stay up past 9 as I've got to wake up at 4:30 on days I work.
I don't know what to do anymore. Therapy (at least in person) is out of the question. I...just don't know what to do. I'm tired of coming home after work and just piddling around.
| 1 |
I am overwhelmed by living and the crushing reality of the future
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Exactly as it says on the tin. I (28F) am completely overwhelmed by being alive and don't understand how I'm meant to keep doing this for the next 60 years or whatever. I feel that taking my own life is the only option. I can't continue feeling so deeply exhausted.
I look at the state of the world and really wonder what the point is. Our generation will never own homes, cost of living is skyrocketing and the planet is dying. Really what is the loss of bowing out early?
How are other people handling the soul crushing reality of our future? How am I meant to see a point in being alive when everything seems to be getting worse?
| 1 |
Is there any point being happy?
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Life has had its ups and downs, I won't say that I am unhappy to the point where I would want to take any extreme action. I have always had hope -that my mental health will get better, that I would become a better person. I have been happy, surrounded by people that love me. I always wake up and end the day thinking about how today is going to be different and better. The question on my mind - is it worth it? Is being alive and happy worth all this? I have been happy and I will continue having a good life. I still don't understand why I have to.
| 1 |
finally a day off
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I (21f) finally have a fucking day off and my girlfriend (21f) decides this is the perfect day to fucking visit her parents and be with her nephews and cousins.
I finally have a day off and I didn’t even get to spend it with her.
she won’t stay up late for me and goes to bed at around 11pm when i get off work at 10.30pm. half an hour a day with her and most of it is her crying about missing me and all the shit that has happened to her. nothing about me or my day or what i fucking want.
i told her i was mad and sad and she goes and says “pick me up right now and we can be together” as if she didn’t just now choose everyone else over me, as if she just didn’t leave me to be alone when all i ever talked about this whole fucking week was to have a day off and be with her. fuck my fucking life
| 1 |
It has been really difficult finding a job
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I was laid off 2,5 months ago. I had been at the job for about 3 months when it happened.
Before this job I was a star employee. My employers were always happy with me and I felt like my career was blooming. I felt like I was blooming.
At my last job my manager was a nightmare. Everybody at the company knew of his misconduct and every employee hated him.
I had made the company aware of his actions towards me (which were including physical assault) and they told me they had my back, and then they let me go.
It’s been difficult finding a job. I’ve been reevaluating what’s important in my life. At first it was nice to have some time off, but now I’m feeling like I’m ready to get back into the work force.
I’ve had some interviews here and there but nothing that stuck. I am looking forward to work, but right now I’m taking a well deserved time off.
| 2 |
I met my boyfriend through a subreddit.
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I expect this to be joked about which is okay cause him and I joke about it a lot 🤣
I (F) was scrolling through a subreddit at night and I came across a question that asked “why are most furries ugly?” and it was written by, my now boyfriend. I started having a satirical discussion with him, and eventually we followed each other and started chatting in Reddit DMs.
I found out we clicked a lot, and he only lived in the neighboring state but 40 minutes long drive or a bit shorter or a bit longer.
We friended each other on Discord first, and chatted for a while there. We were basically the same person except for a few differences, and the fact that he’s a male and I’m a female. We also thought the same things and did the same things, and we had some sort of immediate connection. Like even now into our relationship, we end up saying the same exact things at the same time and thinking about the same things at the same time.
Eventually we exchanged phone numbers, and he was first to tell me he liked me. I knew I liked him back, so we carried on talking for the next few days and ended up in a relationship.
He’s a super sweet and funny guy, and I genuinely feel like I have found my person. Whether to some people it sounds cheesy or not. I mean shit, it even feels more meant to be with the fact that now he’s lost the login to that Reddit account. I also feel I can be my true self around him, and that’s reciprocated on his end as well.
Around a month into our relationship, we agreed to meet up. That day was genuinely the best. He surprised me with some of my favorite candies. We went on a nice walk, kissed, and chilled together overall. The next month, he stayed over a few days. I’d never trade anything for the time we had. I enjoyed sharing a cream cheese bagel with him, and fork feeding him Nutella and banana French toast. It was amazing. Our first car ride together to the restaurant where he was meeting my parents will always be memorable too; Mary Jane’s Last Dance by Tom Petty was the first song that played as we occasionally exchanged glances on the car ride to the restaurant.
Now in August he’ll be staying over for 3 weeks :) I’m super excited and some people may say it’s too early to love.. but we both feel it and love each other lots. I’ve NEVER felt this way with anyone before. We’ve been together for a while now, and it’s just amazing. :)
Sometimes it is a bit hard for me to tell people how we’ve met though, I’ve lied about it before and just told people “the park”.. but yeah.
| 5 |
I feel like a bad son for having to work on my Mom's birthday
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Today is my Mom's birthday. She has reservations at a fancy steakhouse. The best one in the area. I've never liked food. I have ARFID and autism and a few other diagnoses. I love my Mom dearly. She's done nothing to make me feel like I would be a bad son for not going because I have to work. She offered to bring me.somethung back but I told her not to because I don't want her wasting good money on something I can't even enjoy. I worry that people will say I'm a bad kid for not going. It's not even that I don't want to participate.
I just wanted some input I guess. Not really advice but input. Mom doesn't think I'm a bad kid and that's all that should matter.
| 1 |
My brother is ruining my life and I hate him
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My brother and I have seven years difference. I'm 27 while he's 20. We never got along together, my parents blame it on me. That I was the one who didn't want to play with him when he was little and was begging for some attention. Maybe they are right, I don't remember much. All I remember from my childhood is feeling sad because my dad wasn't very close to me and spending all my time studying -a copying mechanism for sure.
Fast forward to his teenage years my brother got addicted to video games. Like really addicted. He didn't study and my parents were like "oh, he's just like his father, he will study an art not at university, so let him be." Besides, I was the one meant for the high education, my brother was the scapegoat of the family. So, one day he said that he was very anxious and couldn't go to school. I remember it was Easter. This all came out of the blue and we were all very worried. I think he was too. Everyday, he would wake up, and throw up in the bathroom. He had that much anxiety. Eventually, he stopped going to school and started seeing numerous psychologists. He got papers telling that he had agoraphobia and extreme anxiety. However, he needed to finish school. After missing a whole year he started over and thanks to covid (yes, thank you Covid) he had to wear a mask so he covered his throwing up crisis and could manage in the classroom. Anyway, at that point he was seeing a psychiatrist who didn't want to prescribe meds due to his young age. The psychiatrist was telling us that part of the problem was his addiction to video games. All this time, needless to say that I was devastated and super depressed myself. I wanted my brother to be normal and live his life as his peers. Well, except that he was living it. He had many online friends, he was laughing, and he had the time of his life. No responsibilities, a tag of anxiety that gave him free pass to anything he wanted and a shattered family behind. When he finally finished school, my parents enrolled him to private chef school. He went one or two times and said that he couldn't continue because of his anxiety. By the way, he had stopped seeing the psychiatrist and the psychologists claiming that they didn't help him at all! When we told him to find yet another one, he said that we would be wasting our money. He started betting, playing video games and being an asshole. He would order food when my mom had cooked something he didn't like, would go out with his friends very late at night -no anxiety then, and he would never help with anything in the house. I was boiling with rage because I had a burden not a brother. For more than six years I had a thorn in my heart, a brother with mental illness, while it seems that my brother probably has a mental illness that takes great advantage of.
One day he said that he wanted a dog. He promised to take care of him completely. We didn't agree and he kept insisting so my parents talked with the former psychiatrist and he told them that since he asked it, we should take the puppy, it will help him get out more, socialize and be responsible. Well..not really. The puppy is a handful and my brother doesn't want to be involved like at all! We argue every single day about the puppy. I really love the dog but I need help, and I think that most of it is anger towards my brother who put yet another burden in our shoulders. Can you imagine how it is to live in a household with a person who does nothing at all but creating problems? Who says no to every invitation to do something as a family? Who beats me occasionally and calls me names all the time? I fight with my parents every day because they are enabling him so much. My mom told me that she is afraid of him. One day she hid the mousepad and my brother had a crisis like that of a drug-addict. It's chaos..
My father said that we should rehome the puppy and I was furious. Instead of trying to work as a team and figure this out, my dad wanted the easy solution that would probably destroy the puppy and would get my brother clean. How is he supposed to learn basic responsibility when my parents are like "oh, you don't want the puppy, then will give it back, no worries!".
My parents can't find a solution, my brother doesn't want to help himself -why would he? He has everything he wants, and I am at my wits ends. When I personally get nervous breakdowns they call me crazy. I have so much anger towards my brother, I feel he has ruined my life. Today, I told him to walk the puppy because he had so much energy and I was tired and he hit me while yelling like crazy...I hate him..Please, any advice much appreciated!
| 1 |
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