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Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man who walked into the the bar... | Then he said to the bartender, "I bet you didn't see the second 'the' in the title, did you?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between a rooster, and a whore? | A Rooster will wake the farmer with "a Cock a Doodle Doo!" whereas a Whore will wake the farmer as "a Any Cock'll Doo!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Little Timmy's english lesson... | ...was about food today. "Good morning class" says the teacher, "today's lesson is about food! Let's start by mentioning things we can eat. Come on kids." Sally raises her arm "bread!" "Very good, Sally!" Says the teacher. "Cornflakes!" says Billy. "Good one, cornflakes! Anyone else?" Timmy raises his hand and yells "Lamps!' The teacher pauses for a moment, confused: "Lamps? You can't eat lamps, what made you think that?" Timmy: "well last night I was walking past my parent's bedroom and I heard my dad say to my mom: turn off the lamp cause I'm gonna shove it down your throat." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How can I invest in the Mexican airline industry? | Call me crazy but once this wall goes up I’ve got a gut-feeling I think that’s one industry that will really be taking off. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How are new pants like a sub-par mansion? | There's no ball room |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did Steve Bannon call Trump supporters working-class hobbits? | Because they're friends with grand wizards. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I'm looking for a joke about a sandwich I saw the other day so I can repost it... | Ah, right sub! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why do cows wear bells? | Because their horns don't work. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What is a Sith Lord's favorite drink at the bar? | A Palpitini |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I was stunned last night when my wife told me I was too wrapped up in myself. | When the hell did I get a wife? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a pet Ewok that stays inside? | An Endor pet |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a formula that can predict Al Gore's dance moves? | An Al Gore Rhythm algorithm. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Trump walks into the Oval office, turns to his administrative team and says, “I want to organise the deportation of 10,000 Muslims and one kitten. | Everyone looks around the table and, after a long silence, Mike Pence says. “Mr. President, why do you want to deport a kitten?” Trump smiles and turns to the rest of the table. “You see, no one cares about the Muslims.” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Life is like toilet paper... | You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some asshole. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | For every dollar that a man makes, a woman makes 70 cents. That's not fair. | The man is only left with 30. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Genders are like the twin towers | There used to be 2 of them, but now it is a sensitive topic. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Potassium texted Sodium asking to go for coffee | Sodium just said Na. Potassium replied K. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do blind people learn about sex? | The hands on way |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Long | A primary school class has just returned to school after the summer vacation. The teacher asks them, one by one, to come up to the blackboard and draw something exciting that happened during their holidays. First up was Jimmy. Jimmy draw a series of diagonal lines across the blackboard. What's that supposed to be Jimmy? asks the teacher. Well, Miss, we were out for a walk and it started to rain so hard that we all got soaked instantly, and this is a picture of the rain. Very good Jimmy says the teacher. Next up to the board was Sally. Sally drew a series of jagged lines down the board. What's that Sally ? Well Miss, we were out for a stroll in the forest and suddenly a thunderstorm came up and the lightning struck several trees, and that's what these jagged lines are. That's very exiting Sally, well done. Lastly Bobby goes to the front and draws a single dot on the board. The teacher asks what's exciting about a dot, Bobby? That's not a dot, Miss, it's a period ! Well then, what's exiting about a period ? I don't really know, Miss, but my elder sister has just missed hers and the entire family is excited about it. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9yr old living in Namibia, he only has 1 leg, 1 eye and 1 arm. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only one pedal.... | If you send just $2.00, you get the video for it. It's fucking hilarious. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A nun in a pub | A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked," May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should." "Why not? " the nun asked. "Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private part is covered only by a fig leaf. " "Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way." So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink, Sister ??" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An African man was found lying on the ground with a grain of rice next to him in the morning, what happened? | He was vomiting the whole night. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call an orangutan holding a spoon? | I don't know I was asking you |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Who do you not want to see with a tampon? | The Kool-Aid Man |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why do gamers say "get shit on"? | Because they rectum |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Don't be sad | Because sad backwards is das, and das is nicht gut |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The Chinese are celebrating the year of the rooster | Meanwhile the Americans are celebrating the year of the cock |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What is the difference between men and women? | A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man walks into a bar. | A man walks into a bar. His alcohol dependency is tearing his family apart. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Suppositories | A woman hears her husband cussing up a storm From behind the bathroom door. She knocks and asks, 'honey ,what is it?' Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, 'The doctor prescribed suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having and no matter what I do, I just can't get the sucker up my ass. Even the doctor had to shove the first one in to show me how it was done, and I tell you it took him forever to get it up there, and it hurt!' 'Poor baby,' says the wife. 'You were probably nervous and tense and he probably wasn't very gentle with you. Here, let me give you the suppository, I don't mind.' Still grumbling, the husband bends over. His wife puts her left hand on his shoulder to brace him and with the right hand, quickly and easily slips the suppository up her husbands rear end. The husband lets out a bloodcurdling scream. 'My god' says the wife. 'What happened? Did I hurt you?' 'No!' Cries the man,'but I just remembered that when the doctor did it, he had BOTH his hand on my shoulders. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Do you ever get that feeling like your being watched? | 'Cause if it's bothering you I'll stop. *Edit*: It's supposed to be you're. I'm know I'm stupid. You can stop telling me. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Whats better than winning silver in the special olympics? | Not being disabled |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Smoking seriously harms you and others around you | So smoke casually for the sake of public health |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A blonde, brunette, and redhead are each pregnant and at the doctor's office... | While sitting in the waiting area, they begin chatting. The brunette says "I was on the bottom so I'm having a girl!" The redhead says "I was on top so I'm having a boy!" The blonde starts crying hysterically. The brunette and redhead ask her what's wrong. The blonde says "I'm going to have a puppy!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | This must be Reddit's most eco-friendly sub... | 99% recycled content. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why do Java developers wear glasses? | Because they don't C# |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the egg say to the frying pan? | You crack me up! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a Mexican with no protein? | No Whey José |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I don't know what's worse... | Saying "It will only take 10 seconds" to get my wife to sleep with me or the fact that it's true. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Three men are being interviewed for a job at the same time | The interviewer says "Alright, you can get the job if you can come up with a sentence with the words green, pink and yellow." First man replies "Well that's easy, my favorite colors are green, pink and yellow." Interviewer smiles and says "You're hired!" The second man scoffs and says "I saw a bird that was green, pink and yellow." Interviewer says "You got it!" Finally, the third man thinks for a while until he says "The phone rang green green, I pinked it up and said yellow!" The end. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A soldier ran up to a nun | A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What does the Japanese Jesus say after praying? | Ramen |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The children were lined up in......... | The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call 2000 mockingbirds? | 2kilo mocking birds. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I am thinking of selling my vacuum cleaner. | Well...it spends all it's day collecting dust |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man sees a hot nun... | One day a man gets on a bus and sees a really hot nun. So by rule of nature, he goes and sits beside her. After numerous attempts of trying to chat her up, she gets fed up and gets off the bus abruptly in a huff. The bus driver says to the man 'I know that nun, she prays at the church every day at 8pm'. So the man has an idea. He thinks that if he can convince the nun that he is God, she will have sex with him. So later that day, the man puts on his best God costume and heads off to the church. As soon as he arrives, the nun jumps into her arms and screams 'take me with you!'. With a smug look on his face he says 'of coarse, but first you must prove your loyalty by having sex with me'. The nun then says 'alright, but can we do anal?' The man, with his manhood already expanding, willingly agrees. An hour passes. A whole hour of rough, sweaty, passionate sex, they are both lying in bed, completely exhausted. Suddenly, unable to contain himself, the man rips off his God mask and says 'Ha! I tricked you! It's the man from the bus!' The nun then rips off her mask and exclaims ' Ha! The joke's on you! It's me, the bus driver! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are at a bar | An Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are at a bar, all having a beer. A fly lands in the Englishmans beer, he pushes the beer away with a look of disgust and orders a new one. A few minutes later another fly lands in the Aussies beer. He flicks the fly out and continues drinking. Eventually a fly lands in the Scotsmans beer. He reaches in, pulls it out and holds it over his glass, hitting the back of it and starts shouting "Spit it out ya little bastid!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Love him or hate him at least President Trump is raising awareness of one of the greatest challenges facing America..... | ....Mental Health. 'Cause either that dude is crazy or I am and my best guess is before all this is said and done we're all going to need a little therapy. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A wife is like a hand grenade... | Take off the ring and say good bye to your house. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did the bear have to go to the hospital | Because he was bearly alive! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between Nazi camp and terrorist camp? | Concentration required. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between a comma and a cat? | One has a pause at the end of a clause and the other has claws at the end of its paws. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Damn girl, your ass is like a treasure chest. | Ah thank you. But why? It's well hidden. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I was at a retro night down at the club | The DJ played "The Twist", so I did the twist. Then he played "The Macarena", and I did the Macarena. When he played "Come on Eileen", that's when the police arrested me. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My mother used to always say "give your food a rinse before you eat it." | Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I asked my friend in North Korea how life was | He said he can't complain |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Say what you like about Hitler, | because he's dead and can't complain. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | On the eighth day God said: | -Widescreen is the best for humanity. Sony 16:9. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." | Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The other day Jon Snow was talking about Reddit. | It turns out he knows kn0thing. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Be careful about what you buy online | If you buy stuff online, please check out the seller very carefully. One of my friends just lost $300 plus taxes on a penis enlarger. The bastard sent him a magnifying glass and the only instruction came along with was "DO NOT USE IN SUNLIGHT". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Apart from humans, the only creature that has sex for pleasure is the dolphin... | Do you know how many animals I had to screw to find that out? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Buzzfeeds top 10 list of torture methods | Number 7 will shock you |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What does a horny terrorist do? | He blows himself. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A particle physicist met a quark collector... | ... and discovered the latter, named Richard, had managed to get his hands on two of the most elusive quarks - the notorious up-quark and the sought-after down-quark. Now the physicist was a bit of a connoisseur himself, and had managed to get his hands on all the four other quarks and their anti-quarks: he caught the ever-fleeting top quark near the last base camp on the Mount Everest, had discovered the appealing Charm quark in a beauty contest in Nevada, only barely managed to escape with the Strange quark from a sect of occult satanists and built his own bathyscape to collect a Bottom quark from the Mariana Trench. He had long sought after the two remaining specimens to complete his collection, but to no avail. So he was delighted at first, but the quark collector was not ready to part with his ornaments. Our physicist first tried to appeal to Rich's generosity, by pleading him to give him the up-quark. He was however rudely refused. He then tried a different angle: he offered to hire the down quark for a short period (and an outrageous sum of money, let it be said), hoping to appeal to Rick's greed, but alas. After weeks of pleading, begging, raging and convincing, he sent one final e-mail asking for either the top quark to be given or the down to be borrowed. The next day, he received this email: 'Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down...' |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between a grandfather clock and your grandma's favourite breakfast? | The letter L |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I asked a sailor for directions to a brothel. [NSFW] | He pointed to a building and said "Thar she blows" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I went to a library and asked for a book on suicide | The librarian replied "Fuck off! You won't bring it back!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me. | My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight. I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Yesterday I crashed my car into a midget | He got out and said "I'm not happy" I replied "Which one are you then?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What good did the Trump administration do for the American public? | Public health. With all the marches Trump triggers, the average American person has never been more fit |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I threw my sandal at the light switch to turn it off, but I missed.. | It was a complete flip - flop |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How is this possible? Whenever I say something bad, I get in trouble, but... | Whenever Donald Trump says something bad, he gets more supporters!? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | One of the cakes is missing from my German cake stall... | ... I'm worried that it was stollen. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If you ever feel like your life is meaningless and pointless | Just remember that someone out there is fitting indicators on BMWs |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My name is Ezra. Spelling my name is easy... | r, a |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the blanket say when it fell of the bed? | Oh Sheeet! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why has nobody heard of the new band 1023 megabits? | They don't have any gigs. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? | It gets toad away. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two peasants turned vampire hunters entered the local cemetery.... | ...Looking for the dreaded vampire that threatened their homes. As they searched among the tombstones, they found one covered in blood, black as night and decorated with a bat motif. As night fell, they begun excavating it, getting to the coffin just as the last rays of the sun began to disappear. They threw it open, stakes at the ready but found it empty. Off to the right, a small ordinary tombstone began to tremble and out burst the vampire! As he closed on the helpless pair he laughed saying, "Ah-HA! You fools! You have made a *grave mis-stake!*" *sorrynotsorry* |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between Muslim and a terrorist? | I don't know, I just sign executive orders. I'll be here all week. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If you were stranded on a desert island, what would you bring with you? | I would take one for the team and bring Donald Trump. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | They say comedy comes from a dark place. | That's why farts are so funny. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My son told me he's transgender... | So that makes me transparent! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Hi Reddit. I am David Miller, head of the American Lung Foundation. | Asthma anything |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A blonde, a redhead and a brunette are stranded on an island... | Suddenly, the brunette spots land not far from the island. She tells the other two: "I'll swim there and come back with help" But as she is swimming, she gets tired a quarter of the way there and swims back. The redhead says: "Don't worry, I'm confident in my ability to swim there and come back with help" But she gets tired a third of the way there and swims back. The blonde says: "You guys are weak. I'm sure I can get there and come back" But she gets tired halfway there, turns around and swims back! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An Old Tamil Joke | An elephant befriends an ant. One day, they decide to take a walk. They're chatting and having a fun time when the elephant is suddenly hit by a car. The drivers rushes off, leaving the badly injured elephant bleeding helplessly. Blood pours out of his wounds at an alarming rate, but the ant still tries to reassure his friend. "We can go to the hospital! They can save you." The ant promises. "I'll die from blood loss before we get there." "Don't worry," the ant says. "I'll donate my blood!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I know how it feels to be a noble gas. | No one wants to bond with me. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Does your asshole every get jealous... | Of the amount of shit that comes out of your mouth? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's an oyster's favorite band? | Pearl Jam. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Arguing with a woman is like reading the Software License Agreement | In the end, you ignore everything and click "I Agree". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Mexican man has been running away from the cops for 3 days... | The authorities stated that he is a Juan-ted man |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Husband sent a text to wife at night | Husband sent a text to wife at night, “Hi I will get late, plz try and wash all my dirty clothes And make sure you prepare my favorite dish before I return.” He sent another text, “I forgot to tell u that I got an increase in My salary at the end of month I’m getting u a new car” She text back, “Omg really?” Husband Replied: “No I just wanted to make sure u got my 1st msg.” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday... | A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I'm reading an interesting book about Electromagnetic Levitation | I can't put it down |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two guys, an American and an Indian sitting in a bar | are taking shots one after the other. The Indian said to the American, "You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry whom I don't love, so I told that frankly to my parents and now I'm having a lot of family problems." The American turned wearily towards the Indian and said, "I'm married to a widow whom I dated for 3 years and loved deeply. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife is my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I'm my own grandson. And you say you have family problems" The Indian fainted!!!! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Is it because I'm blonde? | A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to G, but I said it to N. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L M, N!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her tank top to reveal a fully developed chest. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No Honey, it's because you're 19!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Today I beat my addiction | I'm addicted to my wife. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Where did Ed's girlfriend go? | Sheeran away |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Whats the difference between a seatbelt and a condom? | One of them prevents lives being **lost** in an accident and the other prevents lives being **made** in an accident. |
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