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Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Smokers go out in the cold for 10+ minutes a day and freeze their asses off in the winter and what do they do they get in return? | Cancer. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Poor farmers | Farmers are having an awful time at the moment in Ireland. No grants, no profit, just terrible. John: "Well Tom how are things, how's the farming?" Tom: "Bad John, I think I'm going to switch from milking cows to raising cocks" John: "Why is that?" Tom: "Well farmers need the cocks to breed with the hens so there will be a rake of money in it." John: "How many cocks have you got?" Tom: "Only the 3, come down to the haggard and I'll show you. One is normal, one is dyslexic and the other is gay." Cock 1: "Cockle-Doodle-Doo!" Cock 2: "Doodle-Doo-A-Cock!" Cock 3: "Any-Cock'll-Doo!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common? | I don't care if she has either. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why is Tumblr bad for you? | Because it contains too much Transfat. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Norwegians in Minnesota | One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the fire fighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department that could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the large newer fire trucks that were parked around the plant. Without even slowing down, the old truck drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other fire fighters watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norske old timers had the fire well under control and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?" "Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a Hispanic sniper? | A Puerto-recon. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What are the three greatest lies? | a)the check is in the mail b)small is beatiful c)I won't come in your mouth |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Dad Joke | It was my birthday an me and my Dad were driving on the highway when we saw a terrible accident. My Dad said "This is the worst accident I've seen in 20years!" Well yeah it was my 20th birthday. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A female gorilla is alone in a cage at a zoo... | ... She has become very cranky due to her isolation and has become increasingly aggressive. Her problematic behavior has become a concern of the zookeeper who decides to try to fix it. While trying to come up with a solution he notices the janitor, a very sleazy redneck type and gets an idea. He walks over to him and asks: "Would you be willing to.. perhaps have sex with a gorilla for 500 dollars?" The janitor thinks about it for a while and agrees but on 3 conditions. "First!" He says, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Understood?" "Yes." Says the zookeeper. "Second!" The janitor says, "I don't want anyone to know about this!" "Alright" says the zookeeper, "And what's the third condition?" "I'm going to need a little bit more time to come up with the 500 dollars." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A horse walks into a bar... | People begin to quickly, but calmly leave the bar as they realize the potential danger of the situation. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What was the highlight of the bulimic bachelor party? | It was when the cake came out of the girl. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I won $100 on a radio competition this morning. | The DJ called me and said, “We are going live in a few seconds, I’m going to ask you what you’re going to spend your money on and I want you to tell the listeners on air.” “Okay” I replied. He said, “3…2….1….. Congratulations to Lefty, our competition winner, what are you going to spend the money on?” I said, “I’m going to spend it on air.” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What are 50 babies, each holding a gun, called? | An infantry. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I think I have OCD. | I Think I Have OCD. I think I have O.C.D. I think I have O.C.D.. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Over the last few weeks i've been collecting details about my life and adding them to spreadsheet on my computer. | I've really exelled myself. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call when a Programmer pukes at IHop? | A Stack Overflow |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Phone statistics in third world countries: | Phone statistics in third world countries: Boy to Boy 00:00:59 Boy to Mom 00:00:50 Boy to Dad 00:00:30 Boy to Girl 01:23:59 Girl to Girl 05:29:59 Girl to Boy Missed call Husband to Wife 00:00:03 Wife to Husband 14 Missed Calls |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Vladimir Putin is banning Brazzers saying it's bad for the psyche. | "Psyche". Now I know how to say 'wrist' in Russian! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | As a writer, I often correct grammar online and get called a Grammar Nazi because of it. | I'm not a Grammar Nazi, okay? I'm just alt-literate. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I want to open a gym for people with fetishes. | It's a great idea in theory, but I'm still trying to work out the kinks. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How to get free internet @ home | I live in an apartment complex so I have neighbors left to right and below me. One day I asked my neighbor if he was interested in splitting the cost of my wifi 50/50 so he could also use it. He agreed. I went on to my other neighbor downstairs and asked him the same thing. Now both my neighbors are paying for my wifi. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Sieg Heil by Covergirl | Girls use chemicals to remove polish and no one panics. Hitler does the same thing and everyone loses their minds. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a greedy oyster? | Shellfish. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I saw someone robbing a store and went to stop him. He hit me with a bag of golden coins. | I guess you could say I had some cents knocked into me. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I like my coffee how I like my calculus expressions: | Limitless. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I always carry a bomb around with me ... | What is the likelihood of having two bombs in the same place at the same time? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My wife thinks I'm "selfish in the bedroom". | She's the one that won't let me sleep. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Old People Always Poke Me | Old people at wedding always poke me and say You Are the Next . . So, I Started Doing The Same Thing To Them At Funerals |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I hate weeping willows. | They're too sappy. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Sexy up skirt... | As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this sexy blonde in a short skirt, I couldn’t resist a quick glance at her panties. “Hey perv!!” she said as she gave me a playful kick. “I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls’ skirts isn’t it?” “That’s an absolutely ridiculous accusation, miss,” I said sternly. “I don’t fucking work here.” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A blonde took her son to a doctor.. | A blonde took her son to a doctor: Doctor, I think my son swallowed a key! I'm so worried Doctor: Calm down and tell me when did this happen? Blonde: About a week ago. Doctor: Why the hell didn't you bring him to me earlier? Blonde: We had a spare but now that's also lost |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two tennis players got into a shouting match. | They made quite a racket. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many nuns does it take to change a lightbulb? | Nun. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Vladislav | There was once a man named Vladislav. He worked an average job, received minimum wage, and was frustrated with his life. One day he received a call from his wife, who told him out of guilt that she had been cheating on him for several months now, and wanted to stop by the house to collect her belongings before she left him. Upon reaching home, the wife saw Vlad sitting on a couch, staring at the wall. "Vladislav..." He looks at her and says with an unmoving expression: "Baby, don't hurt me." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did the Super Bowl Champions refuse to meet Trump at the White House? | Because they were Patriots. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | During WW2 a British pilot is captured by the Germans and sent to a POW camp. | While there he developes an infection in his leg and the camp doctor tells him that they have to amputate. "I have a request," says the pilot, "could you please cremate the limb and sprinkle the ashes over my beloved home land the next time your boys do a flyover?" "We can do that." says the doctor. He makes the arrangements and the ashes are delivered. The pilot gets another infection, this time in his arm. The doctor tells him they need to amputate. "I have a request," says the pilot, "could you please cremate the limb and sprinkle the ashes over my beloved home land the next time your boys do a flyover?" "We can do that." says the doctor. He makes the arrangements and the ashes are delivered A few weeks go by and the pilot gets another infection, this time in his remaining leg. The doctor tells him that they need to amputate. "I have a request," says the pilot, "could you please cremate the limb and sprinkle the ashes over my beloved home land-" "STOP!" bellows a prison guard, "He's trying to escape!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's better than /r/jokes? | the comments in /r/jokes |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A pirate walks into a bar.. | With a wheel on his crotch. The bar tender says "Aye, what's with the wheel?" Pirate says "arrrrrghhhhhh, it be driving me nuts" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I am annoyed that my wife came up with a girls name for my penis | I don't even know who Ana Conda is! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Masturbating | An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating. He said, "What are you doing father?" "It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon." "Why father?" he asked. "Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I saw an old school friend today | and he started bragging about his well paid job, his flash expensive car and his enormous house. Then he took a photo out of his wallet, showed it to me and said. "That's my wife, isn't she beautiful"? I looked it at and said "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife" He said "Why, is she a stunner?” I said "No, she's a fucking optometrist!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two tugboat captains have been friends for years. | They would always cry, "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other. A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?" The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of ... an aye for an aye?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's blue and not very heavy? | Light blue. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you hear about the guy who couldn't pay for his exorcism? | He got repossessed. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I have a dig bick | You that read wrong You read that wrong too |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two Teenage Boys Were Arrested For Doing Drugs | When they went to court, the judge said that he would like to give them a second chance if they could work in the community and convince young people not to do drugs they would avoid jail time. The two boys went to the community and did their work and returned to court the following month. The judge asked the first boy how he did and he told the judge that he convinced 30 people not to do drugs. The judge said, "That was great how did you do that?" The Boy told him, "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison..." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a dog with no hind legs and balls of steel? | Sparky... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a really smart dinosaur? | A Professaur. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I hate breakups. | Especially when they try to let you down gently. "It's not you, it's me" "I just need some space" "We can still be cousins". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I learned a few things today. | 1. I'm gonna be a dad! 2. I'm gonna be an uncle! 3. My sisters not on the pill. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque. | They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A woman was telling her friend , "I helped my husband become a millionaire." | "And what was he before you married him?" "A billionaire." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My wife says I never listen. I can prove she's wrong. | That's because she never says anything |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in... | George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia's customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swore that he could even think like a Russian. The big day finally came, and he was parachuted to the outskirts of Moscow at night. He emerged by daybreak, and hopped onto a bus going to the city center. *"Comrade. How much for a ticket to Red square?",* he asked the conductor in authentic Russian. *"5 Rubles, Comrade American"*, came the reply. Keats was stunned. Perhaps the conductor was just being a smart-ass. He hopped off the bus and asked a passerby for directions to the closest bar. *"It's just around the block, Comrade American."* Keats' doubts grew immensely. Not knowing what to do, he went inside the bar and ordered a glass of Vodka. *"Want some Borscht to go with it, Comrade American?",* the bartender asked. Keats threw a fit. *"What's the matter with you people? I dress just like you, I speak just like you, I even THINK just like you! Why does everyone keep calling me American?"* *"Well Comrade, it's because you're black."* |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | - Doctor, I want to live very old | - Do you drink? - Never, only water. - You smoke? - Oh no, my body is a temple - Do you have crazy nights out dancing while doing cocaine and coming back home to have unprotected sex with multiple partners? - Never, I'm single and abstinent. - I see. So could you explain me exactly why you want to live old? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Have you heard about the new emo pizza? | It cuts itself |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Who is the most poetic videogame character? | Sonnet the Hedgehog |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I already got a date this valentine's day. Her name is Emma, | Emma Gination. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year? | A trophy. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Working holiday | A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where are you going?" he asks. "I'm going to Las Vegas. I can earn $200 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do for you for free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where are you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you. I want to see how you can live on $200 a year." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I love open-minded people. | Like JFK and Kurt Cobain. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Who came first. The chicken or the egg | A very embarrassed rooster |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A guy walks into a bar... | ...and tells the bartender "Give me anything but a Budweiser." So the bartender hands him a beer, the man drinks it, and leaves. Next day, man comes in and says "Give me anything but a Budweiser." Bartender gives him a beer, the man drinks it, and leaves. Next day, he comes back with the same request. The bartender is obviously very curious at this points. So he asks "What is the problem with Budweiser?" The man answers "Well, I once drank 20 Budweisers, went home, and blew chunks." The bartender laughs and says "That would happen to anyone after drinking 20 of any beer." The man looks around sheepishly and whispers "Chunks is my dog's name." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Balding grizzles pass their genes to their offspring or... | Bare bears bear bare bears. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did the bee order a cup of coffee? | For a quick buzz |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why can't the pony yell? | His voice is too horse. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. | At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!" The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?" Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Only pre-2017 kids will get this | A decent public education |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why are lawyers buried deeper than regular people? | Because deep down, they're really nice guys. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A guy came into my shoe shop today | He said, "I'd like a pair of red shoes please." "Certainly sir," I replied. "What size?" "Size 40." Fucking clown. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If your life is awful, get a rope and a stool | ...and find the next tree. Throw the rope over a branch and attach the stool to the rope. Now you've got a swing. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Someone stole my pencil case off my desk and ran with it | I guess it's no longer stationery |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Stephen Hawking is a very paranoid man | He's always looking over his shoulder. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she said 'treat me like a princess!' | I'm having her killed in a traffic accident in Paris. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My doctor gave me 4 weeks to live | He said he'll shoot me if I still can't pay his bill. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Not everyone may think digging tunnels is exciting | Some may even call it boring |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How to reclose an opened bottle of champagne? | I don't know, ask Falcons fans. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A female blond police officer pulls over another blond female driver.. | Blond police officer: "Can I see your license and registration?" Driver: "What's a license?" Police officer: "It's a thing in your purse with your picture on it." Driver: *Fumbles through purse and finds her reflection on a mirror and hands it to the officer* Police officer: *looks in mirror and sees own reflection and hands the mirror back the driver* Police officer: "I'm so sorry for pulling you over, I didn't know you were a fellow officer, have a great day" *Walks away* |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why are there no "B" batteries? | You would never be able to ask for them without sounding like you have a stutter. "B-Batteries please" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a black man on the moon? | An astronaut. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Where did Sally go after the bombing? | Everywhere |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My neighbors listen to great music. | Whether they like it or not. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did everyone pass the final confectioner exam? | It was a piece of cake |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the German sausage say to the French bread? | Gluten tag! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Russian alcoholic loses the key to car... | His wife wakes him from his drunken slumber. "Where are the keys to the car!?" she demands. "Vodka? Whiskey?" he replies. (read with Russian accent) |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A priest and a rabbi are at a wedding... | the priest sees an altar boy, and says, "man I'd really like to screw him." The rabbi responds by saying, "out of what?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What city has the most people eating waffles on the beach? | San Diego |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? | None. It’s a hardware problem. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My teacher told me if I slept with her I'd get an A for the semester. | I love being homeschooled |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I used to buy my ex chocolate all the time | She was such a bitch, I hoped it would kill her |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Newlywed Couple | A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing and the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing." He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Republicans are the true snowflakes... | they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry! its a joke folks. just a joke. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An android phone and an iPhone meet after a year. | **iPhone**: What......the......fuck.....dude? You.....are.....infested.....with.....malware!! **Android Phone**: Fuckers don't update me. But what happened to you? Why are speaking with a lag? **iPhone**: Fuckers.....updated......me. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Buddhist Monk walks up to a hotdog stand. | "make me one with everything" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | 4 sons | Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom. The other three guys start talking about how succesful their sons are. Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a cardealership and just gave his best friend a Ferarri. Guy 2: Thats nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet Guy 3: Well my son is more success than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys Guy 4: Hey guys what are we talking about Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are Guy 4:Well, my son is a Gay stripper Guy 2: You must be so dissappointed with what he's done with his life Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a castle from his three boyfriends. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a nurse working on a pirate ship? | An Arrrrr - N |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a dog with no legs? | I really doesn't matter he's not gonna come. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Windows 10 users won't get this. | Privacy. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Trump did a better job getting people to exercise in 1 month than Michelle Obama did in 8 years | Look at all those protesters on the streets! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man walks into a bar waving his gun around | A man walks into the bar waving his gun around yelling, "I have 45 calibre Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!" A voice from the back of the room called out, "You're gonna need more ammo!" |
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