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Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A guy gets arrested for taking a dump. | -Knock knock -Who's there? -Police. -Can you wait a little? I'm taking a dump right now. -We know, this phone booth is transparent. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do you know if your roommate is gay? | His dick tastes like shit. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why couldn't Beethoven find his teacher? | Because he was Haydn |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A rabbi and a priest | A rabbi Asked a priest: >Could you ever be promoted in your church? The priest answered, >Well, I could become a bishop The Rabbi asked, >And then? The preist said, >Well, I suppose I could even be an archbishop The rabbi said, >And if you were to be promoted again? The priest answered, >Well, then I would be a cardinal The rabbi inquired once again, to which the priest answered, >I could become the Pope The rabbi asked, >And then? The priest threw up his hands and said, >what more could I become? God himself?! The rabbi calmly replied, >One of our boys made it. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A nice, calm and respectable lady went into..... | A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So i read this story about a woman who got electrocuted when she dropped her vibrator in the bath | It was a total buzzkill |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada | This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall. He asks the barman, "What the fuck is that?". The barman says, "It's a Moose." The Scottish chap says, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A priest.... | A priest, an Irishman, a horse, a gorilla, a twelve inch pianist and an infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says "Is this some kind of a joke?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did the cockroach break up with his centipede girlfriend? | Each time he spreads a couple of her legs she says: It's not here! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Steve and his buddies were hanging out and..... | Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated. The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing. "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?" "I didn't have to," Steve replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,' So, Here I am!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What is Bane's favorite movie? | Broke-back Mountain |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a person who is not a nihilist? | A De-nihilist. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What happens when you take a joke too far? | The 45th President of the United States. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My doctor told me I was eating too much meat | So I decided to quit cold turkey |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | In Soviet Russia, a Judge bursts into his chambers laughing | *"I've just heard the funniest joke about Stalin... ever!"* *"Well, go ahead and tell us."*, the other Judges ask. *"I can't. I just gave someone a life sentence for it."* |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you do with dead scientists? | Barium |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why didn't the pony say anything? | Because he was a little hoarse... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Spilt milk | I hate how every time I come home and go to the kitchen my flat mate has spilled milk everywhere. How dairy |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the over-sized transgender postcard say to the UPS driver? | What don't you understand? I told you, I don't fit in a male box! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a gay dinosaur? | A megasoreass. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A nun is walking down the street... | A nun is walking down the street. As she passes a dark alley a man grabs her, pulls her into the alley, rips off her clothes, and ravages her in the most obscene manner possible. As the man is zipping up the nun wails, "Oh No! How am I going to tell Mother Superior I have been sexually violated twice!" The man says, "What do you mean? I only did it once." The nun leans back and says, "Yeah, but you're going to do it again, aren't you?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do you make an idiot wonder? | [deleted] |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. | As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Dorothy: Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore | Toto: I know, I miss the rains down in africa |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the caveman say when he stumbled upon a pooping dinosaur? | "That's pooposterous!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What is The ISIS Cafeteria called? | Allahu Snakbar. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Yugoslavian jew moves to israel | After ww2 most of the (still alive) yugoslavian jews moved to Israel. Shlomo shekelowitz decides to stay in yugoslavia just to test the new socialist regime. After a year he moves to israel. One of his old friends sees him and asks SCHLOMO! Long time we did not see each other ! How is it in Yugoslavia ? Schlomo responds : "I couldn't complain". His friend responds : "Why did you move here then ?" "I couldn't complain", Schlomo repeats |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I told my dad to embrace his mistakes. | He cried. Then he hugged my sister and me. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My wife got diagnosed with Alzeihmers and Parkinsons last week. | I've been getting 8 wanks a day. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A lady goes into a pharmacy and asks for cyanide... | A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Me and my friends had an argument.... [NSFW] | Me and my friends had an argument about what was more fucked up, one of my friends said necrophilia, the other said bestiality. I would've said both... But I didn't want to beat a dead horse. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A pun contest... | A man's newsletter tells him about a pun contest they are holding. The person who submits the best pun will win $10000. The man thinks, *I could really use that money!* So he decides he will submit some puns. In the hopes of winning the $10000, he submits 10 puns in one letter. He hoped and prayed that at least one pun would win it for him. But no pun in ten did. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the chimpanzee say to the human? | No homo. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Three kids walk into a Pole | He was very fat. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why do you always put your left shoe on last? | Because when you put one shoe on, the other one is left. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the Alabaman wife say to her husband when she found out he was cheating? | Oh, brother. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two thieves break into a man's house... | The man wakes up in the middle of a night and runs down stairs but the thieves escape over the fence so he calls the police. The police get to his house and ask what happened; the mans says: "Well the robbers took off with my personal computer and nothing else before I scared them away", the police officer says "Did you get a look at them? Can you give us a description?" the man says "Well it was dark and I was only half-awake... but if I had to guess, I'd say they looked looked like the kind of people that would download child porn". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two prostitutes are hanging out on a corner in the 70's when one asks the other, "Hey, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" | The other says "No, but I've been swung around by the tits." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A mother and her child were hugging ... | "Mommy," says the child, "am I adopted?" "No, sweetie," replied the mother. "We haven't managed to find someone who will take you." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress walked into a bar in Dublin. | She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit and, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar she asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Donald Trump was once asked if he could quote any Bible verses. | "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you will never have to feed him again." Donald 20:17 |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What’s 18 inches long and dangles in front of an asshole? | Donald Trump’s tie. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A guy gets a job as a lumberjack | He's in a logging camp in the middle of nowhere and everything is going great. After a couple of weeks he's talking to his foreman when he says, "I notice there's no women around for miles, what do you guys do to satisfy your needs?" The foreman hands him a map and tells him to follow this to the biggest tree in the Forrest, there is a hole in the side of it. Just stick your dick in there and you will feel better. The new lumberjack was put off by this idea and decided to pass. But, after a few more weeks he was getting antsy and decided to make the hike to the tree. When he gets there he sticks his dick in and is amazed, it feels just like fucking a woman. He was instantly hooked. He started visiting the tree every night, sometimes more then once and would just go to town fucking the shit out of that tree. One night on one of his trips he sticks his dick in and nothing happens, it feels like just sticking his dick in a wood hole. He goes back to foreman and tells him he thinks the tree is broken. The foreman says, "that's strange" he pulls a clipboard off the wall and says, "oh, no its your turn to be inside the hollow tree." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How does Moses make his coffee? | *hebrews* it! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did the necrophiliac get a divorce? | The rotten bitch split on him! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What does the Buddhist order from the hot dog stand? | Make me one with everything :) |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Jesus is setting up for supper and he calls Judas | over to help. "Judas, please set the table. " Judas complies and sets the table. "Judas, put the food on the table." Judas places the food on the table. "Judas, please call everyone to the table. " Again, he does as he is told and gathers everyone. As they are enjoying the feast Jesus planned and had Judas serve, Jesus gets really serious and says," This will be my last supper with you." He pauses and continues, " One of you will betray me." At which point Judas throws his hands up in a huff," Why do I have to do everything around here?!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How is Mexico going to be able to pay for the wall? | It's expensive, but I'm sure they'll get over it. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do new iPhones and Donald Trump have in common? | Both cost more than they're worth and create the illusion of superiority without ever delivering. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's red and bad for your teeth? | A brick |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the D.J. say to the Vegetable Farmer? | Lettuce turnip the beet. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | You know what they say about jokes | The cheesier the grater! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Adultery Code | There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My boss told me, "You are the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" | I replied, "I don't know; it's hard to keep track". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Want to know how to keep your guitar sounding good? | Stay tuned. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Please dont tell jokes about domestic abuse... | They hit too close to home |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's super marios favorite type of fabric? | Denim denim denim. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Surround yourself | with people who have issues. People with issues always have alcohol. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I went to the Zoo the other day | and there was a loaf of Hovis in the Lion enclosure - so I went up to the zookeeper and said "What's that doing in there?" and he said "That? That's bread in captivity" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Can Napoleon return to his place of birth? | Of Corsican. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you know that 80% of Korean businessmen have caddaracts? | The other 20% drive Mercedes |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A blind man walks into a bar... | And a table...and a chair...and the waiter... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Make the horse laugh | A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money next to a horse stall The man goes over to the bartender and asks what the set up is for. "You pay five bucks to go into the stall where the horse is, and if you can make the horse laugh, you win all the money in the jar. "Easy" the man says. He puts five dollars in the jar, walks up to the horse, whispers in his ear, and the horse starts cracking up. The man takes the money and leaves. A week later, the man goes back to the bar, where they have the same set up. "Same bet?" The man asks. "No, this time you have to make the horse cry" "Even easier" the man says. So he puts five bucks in the jar, walks up to the horse, and the horse starts crying. The man is about to take the money and run, but the bartender stops him. "OK, first, how'd you get the horse to laugh?" And the man says "I told him I had a bigger dick than he did." "And how'd you get the horse to cry?" The bartender asks. "I showed him." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | 3 nuns are sitting on a bench. | A man in a trench coat walks by and flashes them. 2 of the nuns had a stroke. The third couldn't reach. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I call my wife Bambi | She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes. But it's really because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle. **Edit:** Some people have accused me of "being a plagiarist" and "stealing other's jokes"... Their words, not mine... *Pause for comedic value* But seriously, this **is** a version of an Ashlee Barnhill joke. Sorry for the bamboozle fellow redditors. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Grizzly has attacked a school! Four are dead! | Fortunately, the rest of the salmon are OK and are peacefully continuing upstream. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | 2018 kids won't get this | Club penguin |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the batmobile? | Get in the batmobile. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What does a sneezing nut sound like? | *Ca-shew.* |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | 2017 First UFO lands | Alien: "Take me to your leader." *Alien is brought to Pres. Trump. Alien: "Good one! Seriously though. This is important." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I met two hipsters today | Turns out, the correct term is conjoined twins. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I can't stop shitting out feathers. | I think I've got Irritable owl syndrome. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? | He worked it out with a pencil. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I bought a treadmill the other day... | It's really giving me a run for my money. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I was really unsuccessful and unpopular until I stood on a globe covered in super glue. | Now I have the world at my feet. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do you get a jewish girls number? | You roll up her sleeve. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What is the most common job among spiders? | Web designer. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Loyalty is very important for my wife... | My girlfriend doesn't care. Funny how different sisters can be. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you get when there is a death at a funeral? | A rehearsal. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Hermaphrodite... | A woman gives birth to a baby. Shortly afterward, the doctor comes into the room looking grim faced. The woman sees this and panics. "Doctor, is my baby ok?" "Yes", the doctor replies. "But, Mrs. Johnson, I must tell you that your baby was born an hermaphrodite." "A... hermaphro-whaaat???" "An hermaphrodite, Mrs. Johnson. Essentially, your baby was born with the same body parts pertaining to both a male AND a female." The woman thinks about this. "So... let me get this straight, doctor. You're telling me that my baby was born with both a penis AND a brain???" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I applied for a job at a blacksmiths | He asked if ive ever shoed a horse before. I said no but i once told a donkey to fuck off |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a pessimistic Mexican doing math? | Negative Juan. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Surprise bj | I woke up to a surprise blowjob today. I should really start sleeping with my mouth closed |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a cuddle with only one person? | A cddle, because u weren't there |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his collection except for one. | He's never gonna give you Up. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What does a rapper say after he's done recording? | It's a rap |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Mammoth walks down the street. | All of a sudden a dozen of elephants get out of the corner, see Mammoth, come by and beat the shit out of him. After they left Mammoth stands up, spits broken tusks and says: "Fucking skinheads!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar | The first orders a pint. The second orders half a pint. The third orders a quarter pint. The barman says "Fuck you guys" and pours two pints. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Nazi walks into a Bar... | ... Mitzvah |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did the scarecrow win an award? | Because he was outstanding in his field |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What has four wheels and flies? | A garbage truck. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What kind of boxer spits on their opponents face? | A beat boxer |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? | It only takes one nail to hang a picture. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a clown in prison? | A sillycon |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the leper say to the prostitute? | Keep the tip. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An exhibitionist cross path with a 6 yo girl on her way to school. | He asks the little girl "Hey, honey, do you know what a phallus is ?" "No mister, I've never heard of it" He then gets his raincoat wide open, revealing the erected object and starting to laugh frantically "It's this ! hahahahaha" To which the child answers "Oh I see, it's like a dick, but smaller." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. | After some while, Noah happened upon two snakes sunning themselves. "Why aren't you multiplying?" Noah asked. The snakes replied, "We can't, we're adders." So Noah and his sons went into the nearby forest and felled some trees. They made a platform of logs onto which they placed the snakes. You see, even adders can multiply on a log table. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do they call the Hunger Games in France? | Battle Royale with Cheese. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | When a woman gets a vibrator, It's seen as a bit of naughty fun. | But when a guy orders a 240 volt fuckmaster pro 5000 blow up latex doll, with a 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream surround sound system. He's called a pervert! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud.. | But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them. |
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