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Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I can't remember the translation of German "wichtig." | I have a feeling it's important, though. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I wonder if.. | What if the ocean is salty because the land never waves back? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My girlfriend was giving me my first pedicure | I asked her if the tool she was using to rub my feet was called a pedofile. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Jesus fed 2000 Jews fish and bread | Hitler made 5 million Jews toast |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If waitresses with big boobs work at Hooters, then where do 1 legged waitresses work? | IHOP Gives tipping your waitress new meaning |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I got jailed when I performed a magic trick. | Apparently, when I make the kids disappear, I also have to make them reappear. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest? | People care if the vest gets triggered. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A guy asks a girl to prom... | She says yes, In preparation, the guy goes to rent a nice suit. He waits in line for a very long time but eventually he gets it. He decides he wants to be a little fancy and so he goes to rent a limo. There's a large line at the dealer. He waits in line for a very long time but eventually he rents the limo. On the day of the prom, he gets in the limo and begins to drive to the house of his date. There's a lot of traffic so he waits in line for a very long time but eventually he gets there. He picks up his date and gets to prom without a problem. They dance, have fun etc. Eventually the girl gets thirsty and she asks the guy to go get some drinks. He walks to the punch table and there's no punch line. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If Bruno Mars married Venus Williams on Earth, do you think they'd have a Sun? | Only if they planet. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I tried out for the suicide club | But I just couldn't hang with them. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Me: I hate fucking laundry | Dad: Well stop fucking it and fold it already. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The Trump Travel ban was refused due to lack of evidence.. | Apparently "I know it, you know it, everybody knows it" wasn't enough |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did the blind man fall into the well? | Because he couldn't see that well. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did the blonde climb the roof of the pub? | The drinks were on the house. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Wanna hear an overused joke about necrophilia and bestiality? | You're just fucking a dead horse... (Sorry if this is a repost, I heard this at school) |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What is a mathematician's favorite thing to find in the woods? | A log. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What kind of Bees give the Most Milk? | Boo Bees |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do a poultry farmer and a hooker have in common? | They both raise cocks for a living. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant... | But then I changed my mind |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Pacifism is a martial art. | Its moves are designed to bruise the opponent's knuckles with your face. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Mary had a little lamb | The doctor fainted. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A blonde and a brunette are walking in a park, | the brunette says awwww look a dead bird poor thing. The blonde looks up and says where? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Nazi goes to a bar... | A Nazi goes to a bar, looks around, and sees an Orthodox Jew sitting at a nearby table. "Barkeep!", he says, "A round on me for everyone but that gentleman right there." Everyone in the bar receives a cocktail, he looks over at the Jew and notices him smiling back. The Nazi is not amused, goes back to the bar "Barkeep! I want to order a second round for everyone but him, and this time make it all top shelf". Nazi looks again at the Jew, sees him STILL smiling back. "Is that Jew an idiot or what?" Bartender responds: "Oh no my friend, that's the owner." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a gay midget with great timing? | A Metro-Gnome |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was... | She said: 'Oh, two or three'. Now, she wonders why her marriage didn't work. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I found a copy of Mission Impossible 3 among my blu-rays the other day... | I thought to myself: 'It's not really impossible if he's already done it twice." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Dinner | A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!" The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A teacher asks her student a question... | "if there's two birds on a power line and somebody shoots one of them, how many birds are left?" " Zero" the boy said "the others would have flown away" "Actually the correct answer is two" said the teacher "but I like where your heads at." The boy came back to school next day and asked the teacher a question. "If there's three women sitting on a bench eating ice cream and one is licking their ice cream, one is chomping on theirs and the other is sucking on theirs, which one is married?" The teacher answered "the woman sucking her ice cream." The boy replied "actually it's the one with the wedding ring but I like where your heads at." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for Christmas | He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Bored Proctologist | A Proctologist who got tired of his profession decided to follow his lifelong dream and become a mechanic. After 2 years of school, he took a final exam where he passed with 150 percent. Confused, the Ex Proctologist asked how that was possible. The teacher replied that he received 50 points for correctly disassembling the motor, 50 points for correctly reassembling the motor, and 50 points for doing everything through the exhaust pipe. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My dentist gives me cavity searches all the time. | I think I need a new dentist.. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did Donald Trump say after getting catfished? | **FAKE NUDES!** |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I knew this girl that tried to trade sex for adderall. | What an attention whore. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker. | After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedez. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedez, and she will know that I love her." After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her." The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Three missionaries in Africa | Three missionaries are going to evangelize tribes in the deep jungle, where they heard dangerous tribes exist. What had to happen happened, and they got caught by a warriors tribe. Everybody is killed except the missionaries and one native interpreter. The tribe chief tells the first missionary: "You have been considered by the mighty tribe of Koungata. Now you have to choose: Tounga, or death. - Well, said the missionary, I don't know Tounga but anything is better than death! I choose Tounga. - Very well! Tounga it is, then." Then three huge warriors approach, bend the missionary over and have their way with him, brutally. The screams can be heard for a full hour. Then it's the turn of the second missionary, who is deathly pale but still choose Tounga, and gets pounded by three new huge warriors. When it's the turn of the third missionary, he just can't take it and says: " I can't, this is too much, I'd rather die a martyr than suffer such indignity! I choose death! - Very well, answers the chief, you chose death. You will have death, by Tounga ! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What direction was Kanye West facing when his dough was rising? | Yeast ;D *cringe* |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | They say you should work until your bank account looks like a phone number. I checked my balance and realized, if that was true, I could retire! | I have $9.11 in my account. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did the squirrel blush after he was hit by a car? | He was flattered. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | When Life gives you a cheese grater... | You hold it up and say, 'Life's grate'. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Where do suicide bombers go when they die? | All over the place |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a group of terrorists with music degrees? | Al coda |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My girlfriend found one of my puns so funny that she flew into space and told it to an alien. Unfortunately, the alien didn't laugh. | Personally, I think she took the joke a bit too far. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I can take a look around, but they said "no" and slammed the door on me | My parents can be real jerks sometimes. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The dad, husband and pastor of a woman arrive outside a hospital delivery room | The nurse stated that the hospital policy only allowed one person to be in the delivery room with the woman. Unfortunately, all 3 became confused when the woman giving birth screamed, "FATHER I NEED YOU". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I like my men like I like my coffee | Made by my mother-in-law. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | taxi | A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second, everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look friend, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Blind man | During summer there was a day that was so hot it was almost unbearable. In an old church, with no fans or air conditioning there was two nuns and a priest. The nuns clothing was making them so hot since it was not very breathable material. So they decided to go to the priest and ask, "Father, can we please remove these clothes! It is just too hot and we can not take it anymore!", to which the priest replied, "Absolutely not! It is forbidden to be nude around others as a nun!". The nuns were very disheartened, and were becoming emotional. The priest see's this and as he is a kind man he offers a compromise, "You may remove your clothing but as long as you stay in your rooms, lock the doors, and allow no one in with your clothes off!". The nuns were extremely happy with this and ran off to their rooms as quickly as possible, and undressed. A couple hours later, one of the nuns hears a knock on the door, **knock** **knock** **knock**. She is surprised since there is supposed to be no one around besides the other none and priest. She calls out "Who is it? What do you want?", a mans voice replies with "Its the blind man." The nun is very relieved as she does not have to get dressed since the man is blind and can not obviously see her with no clothes on. So she opens the door and greets the man, "Hi sir, what can I help you with?" and the man replies with "Nice tits sister, now where can I put these blinds?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | bad ass | A Marine Aviator lands on an Aircraft Carrier. He gets out of his aircraft and has a shoe box under his arm. He goes down to the Mess Hall for lunch, looks around and says " I"m the baddest dude on this ship and I can prove it"! He opens the shoe box and pulls out a snapping turtle. He pokes the turtle in the eyes, it opens its mouth and he pulls his dick out of his pants and puts it into the turtles mouth. The turtle starts biting down, blood is shooting all over and everyone in the Mess Hall is shocked. He pokes the turtle in the eyes again it opens its mouth and he puts his dick back into his pants. He looks around and says " any of you bad enough to do that"! A young Navy Recruit from the back says " I'LL give it a try, just don't poke me in the eyes"! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The biggest question of our generation... | Who makes the sandwich in a lesbian relationship? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A father-son talk | A father asked his 12 year old son if he knew how babies were made, so the kid started crying: I don't want to know! Please don't tell me! The confused father asked the boy why he didn't want to know. "Because when I was 6 I was told the easter bunny wasn't real. When I was 7 you told me the tooth fart wasn't real and when I was 10 I found out santa wasn't real! Now you're gonna tell me adults don't actually screw?!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How long are math snakes? | 3.14 feet. Well, at least the πthon is (I'm so sorry) |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What happens after NASA farts? | It apollogises. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did Bobby Shmurda go to jail? | He was convicted with second degree shmurder |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Snowman puns to celebrate the snowstorm in my area | What do vampires get when they bite snowmen? "Frostbite" What is a snowman's favorite cereal? "Snowflakes" Why didn't the snowman answer the question? "He didn't snow the answer" What does a snowman like to ride? "An icicle" How can you tell a snowman is angry at you? "You get the cold shoulder... or an icy stare" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I'm almost a millionaire! | I have all the zeros, just looking for the one. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Does anyone else get as excited about Valentine's Day coming up as they did about Christmas when they were little? | Or is it just because I'm Jewish? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the doctor say to the annoying patient who didn't like the way he was stitching up his cut? | Suture self. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two black guys are pissing off a dock and into a lake... | *Two black guys are pissing off a dock and into a lake...* *...one guy says to the other:* **"Man, this water's cold!"** *The other guy replies:* **"And deep too!"** |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why do hipsters love field hockey? | Because it's ice hockey before it gets cool. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | When are men the smartest? NSFW | Before sex, during sex, or after sex? During sex because he's plugged into miss know it all! Edit: a word |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman.. | A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone. The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of whisky; it's given to him and he's locked away. The Irishman asks for a year's supply of Guinness so he's locked up with several thousand bottles of it. The Englishman asks for a year's supply of cigarettes and he's given a pile of cartons and the cell door is shut on him. One year later, the doors are all unlocked. The Scotsman staggers out and shouts, 'I'm free!' and then keels over dead from alcohol poisoning. The Irishman is dragged out into the light, whereupon he promptly dies of liver failure. When the door to the Englishman's cell is opened, everybody watches eagerly to see what sort of a wreck the man has made of himself. To their surprise, he walks right out the door, sidles up to the first person he sees, and asks, 'I say you wouldn't happen to have a match, would you?' |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My friend told me to try out a gloryhole, since you can pretend it's a woman on the other side | I've sucked 5 dicks so far and I still have no idea how this is supposed to work |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Young guy from Nebraska | A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow." I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One". The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65 ". The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The only person in my life that told me to smile... | Was the camera man. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Someone once asked me why I don't tell 'your mom' jokes... | I responded by saying that 'your mom' are so overused. Just like your mom |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I need to find the watch I misplaced | But I can't seem to find the time. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | In the beginning, God created the dog. | He told it, "For 20 years, you are to sit near the door and bark at whoever walks by." The dog responded, "20 years? That's a long time to do that. How about I do that for 10 years and give you back the remainder?" God agreed. He then created the monkey and told it, "For 20 years, you are to entertain and bring joy to others." The monkey replied, "20 years is a long time to do that. What if I do it for 10 years and give you back the rest of the time?" God agreed. He proceeded to create the cow to which He told, "For 40 years, you are to slave and provide others with milk and labor." The cow protested, "That's a long time to do that. What if I do half and give you back the remainder?" God agreed. He finally created man and said to him, "For 25 years, you are to eat, sleep, marry, and have fun." Man asks, "Only 25 years? That's not nearly enough time. Couldn't you give me the remainder of the time that the animals gave back?" God agreed. That is why now after marriage, we spend 20 years slaving and providing for our family, 10 years entertaining our grandchildren, and 10 more years sitting near the door and barking at whoever walks by. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Friend asked to use my phone to call his mom.. | Told him to just hit redial. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | [NSFW] What does a superstitious pimp check every day? | His whore-o-scope. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A friend told me that laughter is the best medicine | Now I understand why Jeff Dunham is so sick all the time |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What type of bakery has the fastest service? | A Russian bakery. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the quickest way to get in touch with your inner self? | Single-ply toilet paper |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Clothing related typos... | They're the vest |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Queen Elizabeth may have lived to be 102, | but Diana got up to 120 when she died. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I said hello to a feminist today. | Trials start next week. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I went to a seafood disco last night | Pulled a mussel |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The pension office demanded my 86 year old grandfather prove his age. | He had no copy of his birth certificate and his driver's license had long since expired. But, he went to the office and demanded to see his administrator. He took off his hat, showed his white hair and balding head and said, "There, is that proof enough I'm old enough to receive a pension?" The administrator agreed and cut him his check. He proudly returned home to show grandmother and she said, "Great, but you should have taken off your pants and shown him your willy too, you would have got disability benefits." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An African immigrant just arrived in Italy and doesn't know how to make money | He asks another immigrant, "So, how do you survive here?" The immigrant says, "Well, it's very easy. You put up a sign around your neck saying you're hungry, and let people give you money. 8 hours a day, and you make around 50-60€." "Wow", says the African immigrant, "I'll try to follow your advice. Thank you." After a year, the two meet again. The African immigrant is surprisingly wealthy. He wears a custom made Gucci tuxedo, a Rolex, and his hands are full of golden ornaments. "How did you become so rich?!" the immigrant asks. The African immigrant replies, "I followed your advice. I put a sign saying <I'm an immigrant, I want to go home, please help me>" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why do churches hate geometry? | There's too many sins involved. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why didn't the Koala get the job? | He didn't have... The Koala-fications. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you get when you combine Richard Simmons with Stephen Hawking? | A fruit and a vegetable. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | People keep asking me what I'll be doing in 3 years time | Like come on guys I don't have 2020 vision |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Tom Brady has a perfect record in the Super Bowl | He's 5 out of 7. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between a hookers and a drug dealer? | A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I had a dream last night that I was reading Lord of the Rings to people. | Turns out I was just Tolkien in my sleep. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What does Altoid mean? | I've always wondered what that word mint |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Superman was flying above Metropolis | When he saw Wonder Woman sunbathing on the roof of the Justice League, totally naked. Superman thinks to himself, 'Hey, I'm Superman, I could fly down there really fast and fuck Wonder Woman, and she'd never know.' So Superman flies down and fucks Wonder Woman so fast she doesn't even see him. When he's done, Wonder Woman sits up and says "What the fuck was that?", To which the Invisible Man replies, "I dunno, but my asshole is killing me." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the chemist shout, noticing only half his water was deuterated? | DOH |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A new priest is nervous about mass. | After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1.There are 10 commandments, not 12. 2.There are 12 disciples, not 10. 3.Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 4.Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 5.We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C. 6.The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 7.David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 8.When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass. 9.We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 10.When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me" 11.The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry," 12.The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub- A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God. 13.Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's 14. Sip the Vodka, don't drink it. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What does America and Apple both have in common? | They both started to de-port when jobs died. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | This valentines day be sure not to buy flowers from any Monks. | Because only you can prevent florist friars! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a fat girl in yoga pants at Walmart? | Cashier |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Only 1940 kids will get this | A job |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many gay men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? | Just one, but it takes the entire ER staff to get it out. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you hear the one about my hairy, cannibalistic uncle? | He was an aunt-eater. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why was the guitar teacher arrested? | For fingering a minor. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I tried out for suicide club | I didn't make the cut |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The boys asked, "Grandma, are you watching today's football match?" She asks which match. "Austria-Hungary". She answers… | "Against whom?" Stolen from r/witze. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I am very happy with my wife. She likes to compliment me from time to time..... | Otherday she was telling me that I have the biggest cock among my friends. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three beers. | The bartender gives him a strange look, but serves him his drinks. The Irishman takes them to a booth, clinks them together, and drinks them all. He then goes back to the bartender and orders another three beers, which he proceeds to drink in the same fashion. On his third round, the bartender can't help but ask him "excuse me sir, I couldn't help but notice that your order your drinks in threes, if you don't mind telling me, I was wondering why that is" The Irishman grins and says "Well, I just moved here from me hometown. When me and me two best mates split ways, we agreed that we'd always have a drink for each other when we went out, so that we always drink together." The bartender nods understandingly, and serves him his drinks. The Irishman keeps up this routine, coming to the bar at least twice a week and ordering three drinks at a time. One day the Irishman walks in, solemnly makes his way to bar, and orders two beers. The patrons and the bartender all see this, and they assume that something terrible has happened to one of his friends. However, they don't want to disturb him in his time of grief, so they refrain from asking him anything. When he goes to order his second round, the bartender can't help but remark "I'm so sorry for your loss". The Irishman looks up and says "Me loss!? What in tarnation are ye talking aboot?" The bartender says "Well when you bought two drinks, I assumed that one of your friends had passed" The Irishman laughs and says "No, nothing of the sort. I quit drinking is all". |
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