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Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I woke up this morning and my bedside light had turned into a moth... | That's the last time I ever buy a larva lamp… |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Anybody here have sex while camping? | It's fucking intense. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I hate left-handed people. | Something about them just doesn't seem right. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A boy asks his mom why he's black and she's white | She says, "Don't even go there. The way that party went, you're lucky you don't bark." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The woman in the store | A woman walks into a store. Billy the clerk and the manager are talking away, and the woman asks the clerk where some stuff is. Woman: "Excuse me sir, do you know where the Kleenex, toilet paper, ear cleaners, napkins, and tampons are? The manager replies with, "Dear Lord Billy, help her! She's leaking from every hole!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between a boy scout and a jew? | One comes back from camp. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | 3 guys stand in front of the heaven gateway waiting to enter | Archangel Gabriel greeds them but tell them that because of new rules only the ones with a worthy death story may enter. First guy in line: "Well.. I came home early from work and found my wife naked and exhausted in bed. I realized her deed and in fury I started looking for her lover and soon after I found him hanging by his fingers in our bedroom window. I picked up my hammer and started hammering his fingers until the screaming fucker let go. Falling down 4 stories I thought this would surely kill him but when I looked down I saw he had landed in a bush and survived the fall. Still frowning I ran to the kitchen, picked up our fridge and threw it out the bedroom window smashing my wifes lover like a melon. Apparently this was more than my heart could take and I died from a heart attack" Gabriel: "Sure is a good death story, you may enter" The second guy: "Well.. I was cleaning my bedroom window and suddenly I slipped and fell out window. Luckily my downstair neighbor had an open window and by quick reacting I grabbed the ledge by the tip of my fingers. But would you believe it, some douchebag fuck start hammering my fingers until I let go and fall down 4 stories. Amazingly I survive by landing in a bush but then the ass clown throws his fucking fridge out the window squashing me like a melon!.." Gabriel: "also a great story, you may enter" Third guy: "Well.. I was hiding naked in a fridge.." (spelling, grammar) |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I could tell you a Mexican joke | but it would cross the border. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A blind guy walks into a bar... | A blind guy walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. He makes his way through the crowded joint to order a beer from the bar. After a few sips the man casually grabs the slack from the leash, and proceeds to swing the dog by its neck around his head like a helicopter. Several terrified patrons scream, "what the hell are you doing?!?" Casually, yet slightly offended, the man replies, "geez, relax, I'm just looking around." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How did the geologist win his lawsuit? | By taking advantage of the quartz system. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call someone that occasionally likes gloves? | Intermitten |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | TIL that there's a new shortcut in the PC version of GTA V, which when you press it, will cause your character to kill minorities. | Alt-right. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two women are sitting at a bus stop... | They're both smoking, and it starts to rain. One if them out her cigarette out, and the other took out a condom to put over the cigarette so she could continue smoking. The woman looks at the one with the condom and says, "wow that's neat, what is it and where can I get one?" The other woman replies, "it's a condom, you can get them at any of your locals pharmacies." So the woman walks to a nearby pharmacy. She goes up to the counter and asks the cashier, "hey can I have a pack of condoms please?" The cashier says, "sure what size?" To which she replies, "the size that can fit a camel." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I bought some shoes from a drug dealer | I don't know what they were laced with but I kept tripping |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do you comfort a grammar buff? | There, their, they're. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floor? | It was just a stage he was going through. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Who wins a race between a gay couple and lesbian couple? | The lesbians. Because they go lickety split and the gay guys poke ass along. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If your gunna tell a joke about a midget being smothered in honey.... | Keep it short and sweet. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How come american cops always lose at pool? | Because they always shoot down the black one first. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's a joke that was funny in early America, but is even more hilarious in the present day middle east? | "Women's rights" *^ba-dum ^ching* |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | "Would you like a drink?" | "I have a boyfriend!" "I'm the barkeeper you stupid cunt" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Three guys were found trespassing in the city lake | They were put on trial and the judge called them in one by one Judge: What were you doing in the lake after 9 pm? Man 1: Your honor, I was blowing bubbles. Man 1 exits, Man 2 comes in Judge: What were you doing in the lake after 9 pm? Man 2: Your honor, I was blowing bubbles. Man 2 exits, Man 3 comes in Judge: Dont tell me you were blowing bubbles too. Man 3: No sir my name is Bubbles |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Surprise oral will make your day | Surprise anal will make your hole weak |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I used to think I was good in bed..... | Until my girlfriend told me she had asthma. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Son : "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!" | Father : "That's great son. Who is she?" Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter". Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later Son : "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father : "That's great son. Who is she?" Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter." Father : "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister." This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,he went straight to his mother crying. Son : "Mum I am so mad at dad ! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because daddy is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your Father."!!! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Boudreaux decides he needs to go to college | So Boudreaux heads down to Nicholls State and talks to the Dean. The Dean tells him "Well Boudreaux, you don't have much education, so we'll start you with the basics. Literature, Math, History and Logic." Boudreaux says "I heard of dem math and books and history, but what's logic?" The Dean says "Well, let me show you. Do you own a lawnmower?" "Ya" "So that means you probably own a home, right?" "Yessir" "And if you own a home, you likely have a wife and children, correct?" "That I do" "Which means you're a straight male." "Wow, you figured out all dat from a lawnmower?" "Yes Mr Boudreaux, that's what logic is." So Boudreaux leaves and heads down to the bar where he runs into Thibodeaux. He starts telling him about how he's going to college and his classes. Thibodeaux asks him "Well, I know those other ones, but what's logic?" Boudreaux says "I'll show you. Do you own a lawnmower?" "Well no Boudreaux, I don't." "Then you're a faggot." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | You'd think glass would taste like rocks.. | But it just tastes like blood. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's brown and sticky? | A stick. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did Richard Spencer squeal after getting punched in the face? | *"I'm Nazi bad person here!"* |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do Australians wear under their pants? | Down Undies |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand | It's seven |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Stoner goes to the doctor | A stoner goes to the doctor complaining he sees cats playing soccer every night when he falls asleep. The doctor recommends he stays up for a night. Stoner says ok but he can't miss the final tonight. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I had a joke about time travel.... | ... But you guys didnt like it |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why do you never see an African in Olympic swimming? | You need water to swim |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Yo Momma so stupid... | She brought a spoon to the superbowl. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A girl asks a boy "What does your dad do for a living?'' | He replies "He's a magician." She asks "Is he good?" He says "Yeah, he disappeared 8 years ago." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why do we live on a giant rock, but ruled by money? | Because paper beats rock. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My therapist recommended an anonymous community to me, a narcissist. Said that they gather and discuss their day to day accomplishments, annoyances, etc. | I told him I've been using Reddit for a couple months now and see no changes. I then saw myself out. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | First time grandparents go to visit the new baby | After traveling several hours, enjoying dinner, and meeting the baby, the grandparents decided to spend the night. The grandparents, being older, had trouble sleeping. The grandfather rolled over, tapped on the grandmother' shoulder, and asked, "would you like to do some laundry?" This had been their code word for sex for many years. The grandmother was beside herself. "Here? In your child's and new grandchild's house? That's disgusting!" The grandfather sighed and rolled over. After dosing off for a few hours, the grandmother woke up, tapped the grandfather on the shoulder and said, "I think everyone else is asleep. We can do some laundry now!" The grandfather yawned and replied, "Don't worry about that, dear. I just had a small load, so I did it by hand." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did one gamer do to the other gamer after he lost? | Consoled him |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Blonde car | A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 200,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "If I only can sell the car. "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 60,000 miles on it." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I used to cut and burn myself. | Then I took culinary classes. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Dad: You know son, if you keep masterbating, you're going to go blind | Me: Dad, I'm over here |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | After death, what is the only organ in the female body which remains warm? | My penis. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A blonde is sitting next to a lawyer on a plane | The lawyer just keeps bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offers her 100 to 1 odds, and says every time the blonde can not answer one of his questions, she owes him $5, but every time he cannot answer hers, he’ll give her $500. The lawyer figures he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepts. The lawyer first asks, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word the blonde hands him $5. The blonde then asks, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?” Well, the lawyer is puzzled. He takes several hours, looking up everything he can on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gives up and pays the blonde $500 The blonde put the $500 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insists, “What is the answer to your question?” Without saying a word, the blonde hands him $5. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If you go to the beach and forget your lunch, what can you eat? | Just eat the sand which is there. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Guy goes to a ballgame... | ...finds his seat and sees an elderly fellow in the next row with an empty seat beside him. They get to chatting and he asks if the seat is taken: "Not anymore. My wife and I used to go to all the games together, but she died. This is the first game I've been to since!" "Oh, I'm so sorry. Couldn't you give the ticket to a friend, or a family member?" "Nah. They're all at the funeral." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me. | It means a lot. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two chemists walk into a bar | The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O." The second one says "I think I'll have water too." The first chemist now has to rethink the assassination. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two men are driving along a rural road when the driver spots a sheep with it's head stuck in the fence... | The driver pulls the car over and walks over to the sheep. The passenger watching this assumes he got out to help. The driver, not having intercourse for the longest time, drops his pants and starts sodomizing the sheep. The passenger is shocked and yells out the window, "What the hell are you doing?!". The driver, mid-stroke yells back, "I'm fucking this sheep, you want some of this?". So the passenger gets out of the car and sticks his head in the fence. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A boy with a wooden eye asked a girl with a hairy lip to the prom... | Seeing how nobody else would likely go with them, the boy with the wooden eye asks the girl with the hairy lip, "Would you like to go to Prom with me?". The girl with the hairy lip, surprised and excited says, "Would I!?". "HAIRY LIP", replied the boy. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Obama's going to open a home food preservation supply store next | It's called "Yes We Can" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A heart of gold. | A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call. “Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?” The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?” “Um, no,” mumbled the director. “Or that my brother is unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband left, leaving her broke with four kids?” “I … I … I had no idea.” “So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I got a job at the strip club. | "I help the girls get dressed and undressed." "Great gig. How much?" "Twenty dollars a day." "That's not very much." "It's all I can afford." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If 666 is the evil number | Then 25.806975... is the root of all evil. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The substitute teacher's eyes were crossed | She couldn't control her pupils. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Models | Why did the models keep tripping on the runway? They were showing off the fall lineup. Badumtss |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I'm getting tired of all the sexual comments about my skirt... | "Slut" "You don't leave a lot to fantasize about" "Why couldn't you just have worn something under your skirt?" "Dude your balls are visible" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Never buy flowers from a monk | Only YOU can prevent florist friars |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Today marks a very special landmark | Whitney Houston has been clean for five years |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Bad pick up line | Me: spell me Her: M-E Me: you forgot the D Her: there is no D in me Me: not yet |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A fat man is watching television | He is desperate about his weight situation, all of the sudden he sees an advertisement about losing weight on a tv channel, the woman on the tv shows 3 lose weight secrets that can be deliver to your house but without knowing what the actual product is, she also mentions to be aware of the third one and that is under your own risk if you get it but definitively the best one to lose weight. Kind of confused the man calls and buys package #1 He waits and within 30 min someone knocks at the door, the fat man barely makes it and opens the door, to his surprise there is a female wearing bikini and a poster that says " if you catch me I am yours" the fat man without thinking starts running anxiously trying to catch the hot women in bikini, after 25 min running he is unable to catch the hot woman but when coming back home he realizes he lost 10 pounds. The man is so happy he now calls to buy package #2, he waits 1 hour and suddenly someone knocks at the door, the man runs to the door and when he opens it this time there is a very hot naked woman with a poster that says " if you catch me I am yours" the man starts the chase and when finally not able to reach the naked woman he returns home, but this time he lost 20 pounds. The fat man is so happy, not only he has lost 30 pounds in the same day but also he met two of the most wonderful women in his life.He is so eager to buy package #3 that he forgets the caution about buying this package, he calls and buys package #3,this time he really wants to catch the next thing it shows up at his door, he takes a shower, puts some comfortable pants, running shoes, and cologne. After waiting 2 hours, someone knocks really damn hard at his door, the fat man runs to the door and when opening the door, there is a big black brawny man, with his pants down and a poster that says " If I catch you, you are mine". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Police officer pulls an elderly couple over. | A police officer pulls an elderly couple over. The old man is driving. Officer: I pulled you over for speeding. Old man: I wasn't speeding, you must have the wrong guy. Old lady: You were going 80 miles per hour, don't lie to the good officer. Old man: Shut your goddamn mouth you old bitch! Officer: I also noticed that you aren't wearing a seat belt. Old man: I was wearing a seat belt but took it off when you pulled me over. Old lady: You haven't worn a seat belt in the 60 years I've known you. Stop lying to the good officer. Old man: Bitch, I told you to keep your damned mouth shut! Officer: Ma'am, does he always talk to you this way? Old lady: Only when he's drunk. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man asked God "why did you make women so beautiful"? | And He replied, "So you will love them" The man continued, "But why did you make them so stupid?" He replied, "So they will love you" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A zoophile, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a masochist are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds. | "Let's about having sex with a cat?" says the zoophile. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, and then kill it," shouts the murderer. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then fuck it again," says the necrophile. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, fuck it again and then burn it," says the pyromaniac. Silence took over, and then the masochist says: "Meow." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour | and pulled himself slowly and painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No, he replied, "Arthritis." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I'm not addicted to sandpaper... | I just need a little something to take the edge off. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you hear that Apple Guy died? | R.I.P. Isaac Newton |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | In class one day, a teacher asks her young students what their dads do for a living NSFW | "Sally, what does your daddy do?" "My daddy is a lawyer!" She says, proudly "Jane, what does your daddy do?" "My daddy is a doctor" She exclaims This go on until she gets to Frankie "Frankie, what does your daddy do for a living?" Frankie hangs his head and in a small, timid voice he says "My daddy works in a bar. He dances for other men. Sometimes, if the money is good, he'll go into the back alley and have sex with them" The teacher is shocked. She gets the other students distracted doing other things and takes Frankie into a quiet corner. "Frankie! Why would you say something like that?!?" Frankie looks up at her and says "I'm sorry! He doesn't! It's just that he plays for the Leafs and I was too ashamed to say!!" (Insert any other hockey/sport team in the punchline) |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man was contemplating suicide on a bridge. | A man was contemplating suicide on a bridge when he looked down and saw a little man with no arms dancing. This cheered him up and made him change his mind about suicide. When he got down off the bridge he approached the little man to thank him. "Thank you, I was going to jump off the bridge until I noticed you dancing. If you can find the good in life even with no arms, I can do the same" "Dancing?" Said the little man. "I wasn't dancing, me arse is itchy and I can't scratch it!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Scientists removed the right half brain of a man | and asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you - let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms..... | A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that." "Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Turns out there are TWO Loch Ness Monsters. One of them is quite mean, but the other actually gives away his forestry tools. | A little weird, sure, but it's always nice to see some random axe of Kind Ness. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | You know what I like about midgets? | Very Little. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I lost my watch at a party once... | An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My wife doesn't like vomit jokes. | But I do nausea problem with it. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call huge dancing rocks? | Technotonic plates. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I went to my favorite bar last night. | A Chinese guy sits down next to me. I ask him "hey, do you know karate or some other martial art"? He says "why, because I'm Asian"? I said "no, because you're drinking my beer". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room. | The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies. The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby. The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?" The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the only acceptable thing for a Scotsman to wear under his kilt? | Lipstick |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An old geezer, who had been a retired..... | An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000." Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. He went to Dr. Geezer's clinic and this is what happened. Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me? Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth." Dr. Young: "Aaagh! This is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak I can hardly see!" Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. Here's your $1000 back." Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..." Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500." Moral of story: Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer " |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat... | A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her student. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?!?!" the teacher yelled in shock. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I came up with a science joke... | Why are people with diamond shoes so bad for the environment? They have a big carbon footprint... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Rule #1 for learning english | Their our know rules! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What is Politics? | A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense," So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A teacher asked her students... | A teacher asked her 4th grade students a question every Thursday afternoon at the end of the day saying if they got it right they would not need to come to school Friday. The first week she asks "how many stars in the galaxy?" No students had the answer. The next week she asks"how many grains of sand are there on the beaches in Florida?" Nobody had an answer. The kids were getting frustrated, and little Billy told them "don't worry, I have an idea." Billy came to school Thursday with 2 billiard balls that were painted black. As the teacher stands up to ask her question at the end of the day, Billy rolls the balls down towards the front of the room. The billiard balls crash against her desk and the students laugh. The teacher shouts "ok! Who is the comedian with the black balls!?" Billy jumps from his seat, strolls toward the door and says "Kevin Hart. See you on Monday!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. | A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.” “You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist. “I do” replies the man. “How did you know?” “Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but It’s of no use to anyone.” The man below replies, “You must work in management.” “I do,” replies the balloonist, “But how’d you know?”* “Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a bear with no teeth | A gummy bear |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette... | ...are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.' The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.' The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.' The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.' |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A profilactic check-up with the dermatologist at a coal mine. | In comes a miner, the doctor tells him to undress and peel back the skin of his penis. "What's that bubblegum doing there", asked the doctor. "Well, the mines are all sooty and dusty and that's the only clean place down there." "What's with the second piece of bubble gum next to it?" "Oh, that one's Ahmed's, he has nowhere to put it." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | 3 guys die in a car crash and go to hell | they all appear at the gates of hell and are greeted by satan himself satan says to the first man "whats your favorite thing in the world?" the man says "i love getting drunk just shit faced all the time" satan opens a door and inside is every alcoholic drink you can imagine the man walks in drooling at what he sees satan says "see you in 1000 years" and locks the door behind him satan says to the second man "whats your favorite thing in the world?" the man says "i love getting pussy man i live to fuck dude" satan opens a door and inside is the most beautiful women he could imagine" he runs in full sprint and satan says "see ya in a 1000 years" and locks the door satan walks up to the last man and says "how bout you?" the man says "i love smoking weed man, i haven't been sober since i was 10" satan opens a door and inside is every strain of cannabis in the world and a few strains specific to hell" the man walks in slowly satan says you already know" and locks the door 1000 yars pass and satan checks up on the 3 guys the first guy is laying in a puddle of his own puke with broken bottles everywhere the second man runs out screaming "im gay im gay!" the last man satan was shocked by the 3rd man is laying in the fetal position silent satan says "are you ok?" and the man with a single tear in his eye looks up to satan and says "hey man... you got a light?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you hear the Coco Pops monkey was recently murdered? | Tony the Tiger, Snap, Crackle and Pop all got killed too. Police think its the work of a serial killer. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A doctor once told me that it's important to get 8 hours of beauty sleep per day | But to be honest I think you need 9 |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between sarcasm and lying? | I don't know, I'm just the president. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Son: “Dad, I have a question regarding sex with my underage girlfriend.“ | Father: “Yes?“ Son: “Could you stop doing that?“ |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | They should make birth control for men | Because it makes more sense to fire blanks than shoot at a bulletproof vest. Recent discoveries will make this joke obsolete, thought I'd give it one more run. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | People say that counting sheep jumping over a fence makes you to to sleep. However, Donkeys are much more effective... | You're completely out as soon as your ass leaps. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | They say you're attracted to people that look like you. | That explains why I like women with big breasts. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I invited the girl I'm dating over for dinner. | While we were all sat at the table, there was complete silence. It made me feel very uncomfortable. I said, "Why does it feel like there's an elephant in the room?" "Because there is," said my dad, looking at the girl. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I don't have OCD... | I know because I've checked 300 times |
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