conversations
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[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk. \"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,\" one says, \"but we have no one to go to with our own problems.\" \"Since we're all professionals,\" another suggests, \"why don't we hear each other out right now?\" They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, \"I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can.\" The second admits, \"I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.\" The third psychiatrist says, \"I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,\"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!\"\"It's not just one car,\" said Herman, \"It's hundreds of them!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite sugar cookies wafting up the stairs.He gathered enough strength to get out bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom.With even greater effort, he forced his boney fingers to grab the handrail and he went down the stairs, one stumbling step at a time.With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.There, on the kitchen table, spread out in rows upon wax paper, were literally hundreds of his favorite sugar cookies.Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of 60 years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?Mustering one great final effort, he lunged toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.His parched lips were slightly parted. The wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.The aged and withered hand, driven by one last gritty effort, shakingly made its way towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.\"Stay out of those,\" she said, \"They're for the funeral!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Old Age\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An old Jewish man went to a diner every day for lunch. He always ordered the soup du jour. One day the manager asked him how he liked his meal. The old man replied (with Yiddish accent), \"Vas goot, but you could give a little more bread.\" So the next day the manager told the waitress to give him four slices of bread. \"How was your meal, sir?\" the manager asked. \"Vas goot, but you could give a little more bread,\" came the reply. So the next day the manager told the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. \"How was your meal today, sir?\" the manager asked. \"Vas goot, but you could give maybe a little more bread,\" came the reply. So...the next day the manager told the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup. \"How was your meal, sir?\" the manager asked, when he came to hand him the bill. \"Vas goot, but you could give maybe a little more bread,\" came the reply once again. The manager was obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is satisfied with his meal, so he went to the bakery, and ordered a six-foot-long loaf of bread. When the man came in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, buttered the entire length of each half, and laid it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. The old man sat down, and devoured his bowl of soup, and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread. The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and when the old man came up to pay for his meal, the manager asked in the usual way, \"How was your meal TODAY, sir?\" The old Jew replied, \"It vas goot as usual, but vy you are back to giving only two slices bread!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One afternoon a carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. \"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,\" the carpet layer said to himself. So, he got out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. \"Here,\" she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. \"I found them in the hallway.\" \"Now,\" she said, \"if only I could find my parakeet.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three men are having conversation about each other's daughters. An Englishman, Scottish and an Irishman.The Englishman said: \"I found a packet of cigarrettes in my daughter's bedroom. I didnt even know she smokes.\"But the Scottish said: \"Well, that's nothing. I found a bottle of whiskey in my daughter's bedroom. I didnt even know she drinks.\"Then finally the Irishman said: \"huh! Consider yourselves lucky. The other day I found a packet of condoms in my daughter's bedroom. I didnt even known she has a dick!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Aviation\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A German, an Australian, and a Mexican are on a plane. They say that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands out of the pane. The German sticks his hand out and says \"We are in Germany\". The others ask, \"How do you know\", the German says, \"Cuz' it's so cold\". Then the Australian sticks his hand out and says \"We are in Australia\", the others ask \"How do you know\", he replies \"Cuz' it's so warm\". Then the Mexican sticks his hand out and back in. He says \" We are in Mexico\", the others ask \"How do you know\", he says \" Cuz' my watch in gone\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, \"We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?\" One day, she was talking to her Preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together. So, the females yelled at the male parrots, \"We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?\" One male parrot said to the other, \"Put the Bibles away! We've made it to heaven!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A pair of birds were sitting on a branch of a tree when they see a turtle run past them, jump off the branch and flap his arms as hard as he can. He falls to the ground. The poor turtle repeats this process numerous times, and then one bird says to the other \"dear, do you think we should tell him he's adopted?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Military\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. \"But officer.\" the man began, \"I can explain,\". \"Just be quiet,\" snapped the officer. \"I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back...\" \"But officer, I just wanted to say....\" \"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!\" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, \"Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.\" \"Don't count on it,\" answered the fellow in the cell. \"I'm the groom.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady. Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. \"I NEED FOOD!\" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. \"NO!\" Joe retorts. \"We promised.\" Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock. \"Just for that, I'm not going.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A preacher is buying a parrot.\"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?\" asked the preacher.\"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot,\" the storekeeper assures him.\"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.\"\"Wonderful!\" says the preacher, \"but what happens if you pull both strings?\"\"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!\" screeched the parrot."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, \"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?\" To which he replied, \"That would be fine with me.\" Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "\"How was your golf game, dear?\" asked Jack's wife Tracy.\"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad Icouldn't see where the ball went.\"\"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!\" admonished his wife,\"Why don't you take my brother Scott along?\"\"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore,\"protested Jack.\"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,\"Tracy pointed out.The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung,and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.\"Do you see it?\" asked Jack.\"Yup,\" Scott answered.\"Well, where is it?\" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.\"I forgot.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"School\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, \"Hey Nice bike! Where did you get it?\" \"Well,\" replies the other, \"I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!!'\" \"Good choice,\" says the first, \"her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man walks into a doctors office. He says, \"Doctor, I'm suffering from silentgas emissions. All day at work, I have these silent gas emissions. Last nightduring a movie, I had 10 silent gas emissions. This morning in the car on theway to your office, I had five silent gas emissions. And while waiting in yourwaiting room I had three silent gas emissions. Right now, as a matter of fact,I've just had two more.\"The doctor replied, \"Well, the first thing we're going to do is check is yourhearing!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Military\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport in Toronto on its final approach.The pilot comes on over the intercom and says, \"Ladies and gentlemen. This is Capt. Johnson speaking. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto.\"Unknowingly, the pilot forgets to switch off the intercom and the entire plane can now hear the conversation in the cockpit.The co-pilot says to the pilot, \"Well, Captain, what are you gonna do here in Toronto?\"By now, all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.\"Well,\" says the Captain, \"First, I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a nice, long shower. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper. You know, the cute one with the hot body. I'm gonna wine and dine her, then take her back to my room, and then I'm gonna make love to her all night long.\"Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess.She's so embarrassed, she runs from the back of the plane to get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes, flat on her face.The old lady leans over to her and says calmly, \"No need to run, dear. He said he's gotta take a shower first!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, \"Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?\" The mother replies, \"Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand\". \"OK\" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, \"Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?\" \"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert\", the camel mother answers. \"Thanks Mom\" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, \"Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??\" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, \"They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods.\" \"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but... Mom?\" \"Yes son?\" \"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He bought a nice, used chicken farm and moved in. As it turned out, his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, \"Chicken farming isn 't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I 'll give you 100 chickens.\" The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the neighbor dropped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, \"Not too well. All 100 chickens died.\" The neighbor said, \"Oh, I can 't believe that. I 've never had any trouble with my chickens. I 'll give you 100 more.\" Another two weeks went by and the neighbor stopped by again. The new farmer said, \"You 're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too.\" Astounded, the neighbor asked, \"What went wrong?\" The new farmer said, \"Well, I 'm not sure whether I 'm planting them too deep or too close together.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Business\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. \"Guess what, sir?\" the clerk said. \"I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!\" \"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?\" the manager asked. \"That's the one!\" \"That's great!\" the manager cried, \"I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?\" \"Oh,\" the clerk replied, \"after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Old Age\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An old woman is riding a crowded bus and has to stand with her heavy packages. Finally, someone in front of her gives up a seat and so she grabs it. \"Thank God,\" she says. A man in the seat behind her says \"Ecxuse me comerade, but this is an athiest society. You should say 'Thank Stalin,' not 'Thank God.'\" \"Of course you are right,\" the old woman says. \"Thank Stalin.\" She is silent for a moment, then says: \"Comerade, I have just had a terrible thought: What shall we say when Stalin dies?\" The man behind her replies \"In that case I think we can say 'Thank God.'\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter.\"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?\" asks St. Peter.The first guy says, \"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.\"The second guy says, \"I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.\"The last guy replies, \"I would like to hear them say, \"Look! He's moving!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. \"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper,\" the accountant replied.Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. \"Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.\"Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.\"Let me tell you a story,\" replied the Rabbi. \"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel.\"The man protested: \"What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?\"The Rabbi replied, \"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An elderly man and his wife decided to separate. Before beingallowed to do so legally, the Family Court insisted they undergo somecounselling from the marriage guidance mob, to see if their union could besaved. The counsellor did her best, but to no avail. The old folk were absolutely determined to go through with separation leading to divorce.Finally, in some desperation, the counsellor said: \"But you're 95 and your wife is 93. You've been married for 72 years! Why do you want to separate now??\" To which the wife replied: \"We haven't been able to stand each other for the last 46 years. But we thought we should wait until all the children died before we split up.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, \"Ooh dad, there's one.\" \"No,\" said the father. \"There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait.\" Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, \"Hey dad, he's plenty big enough.\" \"No,\" the father said. \"We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait.\" About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, \"Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her.\" \"No,\" said the father. \"We'll not eat her either.\" \"Why not?\" asked the son. \"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.They ask,\"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?\"\"It's pretty nice,\" she replies. \"Except they won't let you fart.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Ethnic Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir wasn't used to the salt in American food (French fries, cheese, etc.) and was constantly sending his man- servant, Abdul, to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water. But finally he returned empty-handed. \"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water??\" demanded the Grand Emir. 'A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One,\" stammered the wretched Abdul,\"but a man is sitting on the well.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor says,\"Well sir,I have bad news and I have worse news\". The guy says, \"well gimme the worst news first\". The doc says, \"well sir you have Cancer\". The guy says \"that's terrible news, but whats the bad news?\" The doc says \"well sir, you also have Alzheimers disease\". \"Well\", answers the guy, \"at least I don't have Cancer\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, \"I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of her, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her,\" and then hangs up.The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news.She calls her father and yells, \"You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don 't do a single thing, do you hear me?\"The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, \"It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they 're paying their own way!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. \"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come.\"\"Great,\" says Sam, \"after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.\" As Enoch is leaving he stops, \"Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'.\"\"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em.\"Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. \"More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too.\"\"Damn\", Sam thinks... \"Tough crowd.\" \"Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again.\"Once again Enoch turns from the door. \"I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too.\"\"Now that's not a problem\" says Sam, \"Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?\"Enoch stops in the door again and says, \"Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Blind Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A Blind man walks into a department store with his guide dog on a leash. As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again. Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head by its leash. Shocked, the manager runs over and says \"mister is there a problem - is there anything i can help you with?\" The blind man calmly replies \"No Thanks - I'm just looking around\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "These two convicts were about to be executed. The Warden says to the first one \"Do you have a last request?\"The convict says \"Yes. I'd like to hear A Christina Aguilera song one last time.\"The Warden says \"OK, I think we can arrange that.\" Then he says to the second convict \"How about you? Last request?\"The second convict says \"Yeah. Kill me first.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A rich businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. \"Welcome to the family,\" said the man. \"I'm so happy, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.\" The son-in-law interrupted. \"Oh, um, I actually hate factories. Can't stand the noise.\" The father-in-law said, \"Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.\" \"I hate office work, too\" said the son-on-law. \"I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day.\" \"Wait a minute,\" said the father-in-law. \"I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?\" \"Easy,\" said the young man. \"Buy me out.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, shows him three doors, and says, \"You must spend the rest of eternity in one of the rooms behind these doors. Look in each one and decide which one you want.\"The man opens the first door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor, looking very uncomfortable. He opens the second door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor, looking even more uncomfortable. Finally, he opens the third door, and sees a bunch of people standing around chatting and drinking coffee, up to their knees in sewage.\"Hmmm,\" he says, \"that looks bad, but it's better than the other two. I'll take the third door.\" Satan smiles and shows him in.Ten minutes later Satan walks back into the room and says, \"Alright, coffee break's over, everyone back on your heads!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The policeman signals to an car driver to pull over to the side of the road, due to the fact that he appears to be driving erratically. He says to the driver, \"You appear to have been drinking!\" The driver answers, \"No sir, I am just tired.\"The policeman looks into the car and notices that the driver is a priest! He also notices that there is an empty bottle on the floor. He says to the driver, \"What is, or should I say was in this bottle?The driver answers, \"Water!\" The policeman says, \"It is not, it's wine!\"The driver looks up to the heavens and says, \"Oh Lord, you have done it again!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Military\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, \"Anyone here know how to pray?\" One man stepped forward. \"Aye, Captain, I know how to pray.\" \"Good,\" said the captain, \"you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Military\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: \"Look, it's not the same hat\" \"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table\" \"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?\" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and another. After a week the parrot said: \"OK, I give up. Where's the boat?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two military policemen were chasing a fleeing draftee from The military base. The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent. He saw a nun seated on a round bench beneath a tree, quietly reading a book. He said to her, \"Quick sister, please hide me I don't want to be drafted and the M.P.'s are chasing me!\" She lifted up her skirt and said, \"Quick hide under here.\" The two policemen came by and asked if she had seen anyone. She replied, \"No.\" After they left she told the young boy to come out and that everything was going to be OK. He thanked her and said, \"You have a nice set of legs for a nun!\" She replied, \"If you reach up a little farther you'll find a nice set of balls too. I'm not going to be drafted either!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, \"This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry...we can't hire you.\" \"But wait,\" he said. \"If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!\" \"Really? Great! Show me!\" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. \"Well,\" said the interviewer, \"that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!\" \"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!\" \"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?\" \"Oh, that,\" he sighed. \"Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim \"a little bit\". When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the table. He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, \"I would say it was about one-tenth that hard.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and figuring that the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, \"May I help you, my son?\"\"I dunno...\" came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. \"You got any toilet paper on your side?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Military\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, \"If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.\" \"Now,\" he concluded, \"which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.\"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!\"\"Oh my gosh,\" cries the man. He's in a panic now. \"What are you going to do, doctor?\"\"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.\"\"Will that cure me?\" asked the man hopefully.The doctor replied, \"Well no, but ... it's the only food we can get under the door.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two friends, Sullivan and O'Doule worked together at the Guiness Brewery in Dublin. They hadn't been working there very long when one day, with no warning, O'Doule falls into one of the vats. To make a long story short, Sullivan's lifelong pal drowns. Sullivan, being O'Doule's best friend, feels obligated to go to the widow O'Doule and break the bad news to her. He walks to the house and knocks on the door. When the widow O'Doule answered, he bowed his head respectfully and told her what had happened. \"I'm sorry to be the one to tell ye,\" he said, \"but I'm afraid Seamus has fallen into one of the vats at work and has drowned. He's off to meet his maker.\" \"Alas,\" cried the widow. \"The poor man couldn't swim a stroke.\" \"The hell he couln't,\" replied Sullivan, \"He got out three times to take a pee!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Office Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An accountant spends a week at his new office with the accountant he is replacing. On the last day the departing accountant tells him that he has left two envelopes in the desk drawer and that the envelope number 1 should be opened if he ever encounters any sort of crisis in the job and envelope number 2 if a further crisis occurs. Three months down the track there is a major drama, all the accounts are wrong - the usual stuff - and the accountant feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and finds and opens the first envelope. The message inside says \"blame me!\" He does this and gets off the hook. Three months later at his next crisis he opens the second envelope. The message inside says \"Write two envelopes\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three athletes were standing in line waiting to enter the Olympic Village. The first guy is carrying a discus, and he walks up to the guard and says, \"Soviet Discus Team.\" The guard says \"pass\". The second guy is carring a vaulting pole, and he walks up to the guard and says, \"East German Pole Vaulting Team.\" The guard says \"pass\". The third guy is carrying a rolled up chain-link fence on his shoulder, he walks up to the guard and says, \"Polish Fencing Team.\" \"Pass...\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, \"Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this \"pretzel\" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!\" The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending. Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, \"How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!\" The wrestler answered, \"Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. \"I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. \"You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life. The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he could then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? (Yes, there's a moral!) \"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two tigers were stalking through the jungles of Asia. Suddenly, the one to the rear reached out with his tongue, and licked the posterior of the tiger in front of him. The startled front tiger turned and said, \"Cut it out.\" The rear tiger apologized, and they continued onward. About five minutes later, it happened again. The front tiger turned, growling, \"I said stop it.\" The rear tiger again apologized, and they continued. Another five minutes passed, and again the front tiger felt the unwanted tongue. The front tiger turned, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare, angrily hissing, \"What is it with you?\" The rear tiger replied, \"I'm sorry -- I really didn't mean to offend you. But I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Business\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "These are actual warnings given on various products: 1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO. 2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU. 3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE. 4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. 5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS. 6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.) 7. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles OPEN OTHER END. 8. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL? 9. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. 10. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. 11. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. 12. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)- DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. 13. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. 14. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. 15. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, \"Honey, can you hear me?\" There was no response. He moved a little closer and said again, \"Honey, can you hear me?\" Still, there was no response. Finally he moved right behind her and said, \"Honey, can you hear me?\" She replied, \"For the third time, Yes!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The IRS Visit Joseph was called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), so he asked his accountant for advice on how to dress for the occasion. \"Wear your shabbiest clothing so that they think you're a pauper.\" His accountant told him. Joseph decided to ask his lawyer as well. \"Wear your best clothing so they know you aren't intimidated.\" The lawyer said. Completely confused, Joseph went to his priest and told him about the conflicting advice he had received, asking for his advice. \"Let me tell you a story.\" The priest said. \"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what she should wear on her wedding night and was told to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that covered her all the way up to her neck. She also asked her best friend, who told her to wear a sexy negligee with a V neck down to her navel.\" Joseph was confused. \"What does any of that have to do with my problem with the IRS?\" \"Simple.\" replied the priest. \"It doesn't matter what you wear, you're still going to get the screwed.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Military\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, \"Bring me my red shirt!\" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, \"Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?\" The Captain replied, \"If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid.\" All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders. Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, \"Get me my brown pants.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An alien and a man were sitting next to each other in a bar. The alien was constantly poking the guy's cheek and saying, \"zzzt!\" Finally, the guy got so mad at the alien that he said, \"If you do that one more time, I'll chop your pecker off!'' Again, the alien poked his cheek and said, \"zzzt!\" The guy said, \"Okay, that's it!\" He got up, grabbed the sharpest knife he could find, and pulled down the alien's pants. But he was astounded to see nothing there. He then said, \"Well, if you don't have a you know, a whang, how do you have sex?\" The alien just smiled, poked the guy's cheek, and said \"zzzt!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Old Age\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, \"You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.\" The second lady says, \"You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!\" The third lady smiles smugly. \"Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock wood.\" She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, \"Who's there?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains of Scotland. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK. \"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love\". The old man replied, \"I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window ... they're choking my ducks!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. \"Wonderful. What part is it?\" The boy says, \"I play the part of the Jewish husband.\" The mother scowls and says, \"Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Office Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy goes to the Post Office to interview for a job.The interviewer asks him, \"Are you a veteran?\" The guy says, \"Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam.\"\"Good,\" says the interviewer, \"That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?\"The guy says, \"In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though.\"\"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we'll get you started.\"The guy says, \"If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?\"\"Well, here at the post office, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. Don't need you here for that!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three men, one German, one Japanese and a Texan were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. \"That was my pager, \"he said, \"I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.\" A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, \"That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.\" The Texan felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Texan finally said \"Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:- Oops! - Has anyone seen my watch? - That was some party last night I can't remember when I've been that drunk.- Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!- Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.- Come back with that! Bad Dog!- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?- Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie- If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.- Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?- Damn, there go the lights again...- Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!- Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.- I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.- Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?- What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!- What do you mean, he's not insured?- This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.- What do you mean \"You want a divorce\"!- I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.- Let's hurry, I don't want to miss \"Bay Watch\"- That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?- Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.- Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?- Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in. \"OK, follow me,\" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.\"Now, do you see that tree over there?\" he asked.\"Yes, yes, yes!\" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.\"Good,\" said the first bat tiredly, \"Because I didn't!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Mrs.O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father Rafferty. \"Hello,\" said the Father, \"and how is Mrs.O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?\" She replied \"That you did Father.\" The priest asked, \"And are there any little ones yet?\" \"No, not yet Father,\" said she. \"Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you.\" \"Thank you, Father.\" And away she went.A few years later they met again. \"Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan,\" said the Father, \"how are you?\" \"Oh, very well,\" said she. \"And tell me,\" he said, \"have you any little ones yet?\" \"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles -- ten in all.\" \"Now isn't that wonderful,\" he said \"And how is your lovely husband?\" \"Oh,\" she said, \"he's gone to Rome. To blow out the damn candle!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says \"Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona.\" The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says \"I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.\" The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says \"I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.\" He gets it. The guy from Guiness sits down and says \"Give me a Coke.\" The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask \"Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?\" and the Guiness resident replies \"Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man with no arms walked in to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.\"Look,\" said the customer, \"I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?\"\"Sure\", said the bartender, and he did.\"Now,\" said the customer, \"I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth.\"\"Certainly.\" And it was done.\"If you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket,\" said the armlessman, \"you'll find the money for the beer.\"The bartender got it.\"You've been very kind,\" said the customer. \"Just one thing more.Where is the men's room?\"\"Out the door,\" said the bartender, \"turn left, walk two blocks,and there's one in a filling station on the corner.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three guys work on a constuction site. One is white, one is black and one is Polish. The bell rings for lunch and the white man opens his lunchbag and sighs deeply, saying, ''If my wife packs me a ham sandwich again tomorrow I'm jumping off the building.'' The black guy opens up his lunch, glares and says '' If my wife packs me a ham sandwich again tomorrow, I'm going with you.\" The Polish man opens his lunch, pulls out another ham sandwich, and says ''I'm with you guys.'' The next day the lunch bell rings.The white man opens his lunch. He says, ''Turkey sandwich. I love my wife.'' The black guy opens his lunch. He says, ''Chicken sandwich. I love my wife. The Polish man opened his lunchbox, looked stricken, and said '' See ya guys.'' With that, he jumped off the building. The black guy says '' I feel sorry for him. ''The white man replies, ''Why?'' The black guy said, ''Because he packs his own lunch.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A pregnant woman goes to the doctor for results of a test. The doctor invites her in to sit down. \"I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious problems.\" \"What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my child and I'll love it regardless.\" \"Well, yes, of course,... but your child has no legs.\" \"Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless.\" \"And it hasn't got any arms either.\" \"What?\" \"Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. Infact, your child is only a very, very big ear.\" \"Oh my God! This is terrible! Well, it's my child, and I'll love it.I'll learn all the lullabies in the world to sing to it.\" \"Mrs. Smith, one last thing.... Unfortunately, your child is deaf.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, \"If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail.\" So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday. So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did. ''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy. ''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge. ''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.'' ''Oh, that's nothing!\" said the second guy. \"I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.'' ''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge. ''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...''"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Office Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, \"What are all those clocks?\" St. Peter answered, \"Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.\" \"Oh,\" said the man, \"Whose clock is that?\" \"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.\" \"Incredible,\" said the man. \"And whose clock is that one?\" St. Peter responded, \"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.\" \"Where's George Bush's clock?\" asked the man. \"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting as if he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, \"Charlie! What are you doing?\" Charlie replied, \"Can't talk right now....I'm driving to Chicago!\" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, \"Well Charlie, how are you doing?\" Charlie says, \"I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest.\" \"That's great,\" replied the nurse, \"I'm glad you had a safe trip.\" The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and goes across the hall into Fred's room, and finds Fred sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With suprise she asks, \"Fred what are you doing!?\" To which Fred replies, \"I'm screwing Charlie's wife. He's in Chicago!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Office Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way... One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. \"I know how to get some time off work\" the man whispered. \"How?\" asked the second worker. Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. \"Look!\" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down. Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing. \"I'm a light bulb\" answered the public servant. \"I think you need some time off,\" barked the Director. \"Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?\" \"Yes sir\", the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left. The second worker was hot on his heels. \"Where do you think you're going?\" the boss asked. \"Home,\" he said lightly. \"I can't work in the dark.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al. Joe: \"He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over.\" Joe looked at the dead man's buttocks and said, \"Nope, that ain't George.\" Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al. Al: \"Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over.\" Again, \"Nope, that ain't George.\" Mortician: \"How can you tell?\" Al: \"George had two buttholes.\" Mortician: \"What? How could he have two buttholes?\" Al: \"Everybody knew George had two buttholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you'd hear people say, \"Here comes George with those two buttholes!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators, paranas, and many other things that could kill you. The host said that if anyone could swim across the tank, he would, to the best of his ability, grant them 3 wishes. Well, nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and doing that \"party thing.\" Suddenly, there was this big splash! The host looked and saw a man swimming to beat hell across the tank, and, look and behold, he made it! The host walked over to the man and said, \"Alright, you made it, WOW!. What are your 3 wishes?\" The man replied, \"First, you see that shotgun of yours? give me it, Two, see those bullets over there? give me them, 3, show me the bastard who pushed me in.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "It was opening night at the theatre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to seethe famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage,he announced, \"Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.\" The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. I want you eachto keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.It's been in my family for six generations.\" He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, \"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch....\" The crowdbecame mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyesfollowed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. \"Sh*t!\" said the hypnotist.It took three weeks to clean up the theatre."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Blind Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passer-by, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, \"Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearlygot you killed!\"The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies,\"To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, \"I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?\" The first priest says, \"I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.\" \"So be it,\" says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, \"Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?\" \"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing.\" \"In that case,\" says the second priest, \"I've always wanted to be a stud.\" \"So be it\" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. \"Will you have any trouble locating them?\" He asks. \"The first one should be easy,\" says St. Peter. \"He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.\" \"Why?\" asketh the Lord. \"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Aviation\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said,\"I need to get up and get a beer\". \"Don't get up,\" said the American, \"I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you\". As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said, \"That looks good, I'd really like one, too\". Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up his other shoe and spat in it too. When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. \"Why does it have to be this way?\" he asked. \"How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes...... pissing in beers?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"School\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possiblefor her college class and the instructions were that it had to discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.She was the only one who receivedan A+ and this is what she wrote:Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says \"Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now.\" The mexican man pleads with them, \"No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!\" The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says \"Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence\". The Mexican man of course agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, \"The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence.\" The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, \"Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man enters a cafe, sits down & notices that the special of the day is cold chili. When the waitress comes to take his order, he says, \"I'll take the cold chili.\" \"I'm sorry, the gentlemen next to you got the last bowl,\" says the waitress. \"Oh. I'll just have coffee, then.\" After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got the last bowl of cold chili is finishing a rather large meal and the chili bowl is still full. He asks, \"Are you going to eat that?\" The other man replies, \"No.\" \"Would you sell it to me?\" \"You can have it for free if you want it.\" So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he gets about half way through the bowl, he notices a dead mouse in the bowl and pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other man says sympathetically, \"That's about as far as I got, too.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An explorer in the deepest amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says to himself: \"I'm screwed\". There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: \"No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bach the head of the chief\". So the explorer picks up the stone and proceedes to bach in the heads of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their gaces. The coice booms out again: \"Okay NOW your'e screwed!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"State Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An English tourist went to Texas, He got off the bus in Fort Worth, and asked, \"Where's a good place to eat?\" A man said, \"Right down the road is a men's club.\" The man didn't realize they had a swimming pool, a work-out room, indoor squash, and racquetball. He just walked to the restaurant door and said to the waitress, \"Lady, bring me a steak and a coke.\" The waitress brought out a mug that was 12 inches in diameter and 1 1/2 feet tall. The man said, \"I just wanted a coke, not the whole factory!\" She said, \"Mister, this is Texas and everything's bigger in Texas.\" Soon she came back with his steak, and it hung over all sides of a huge Sizzling platter. He said, \"Lady, I just wanted a steak, not the whole cow!\" She said, \"Mister, this is Texas, and everything's bigger in Texas.\" He finally finished his meal and asked the waitress, \"Which way to the toilet?\" She said, \"It's down the hall, third door on the right.\" The man absentmindedly turned into the third door on the left and, with one step, fell into the swimming pool. \"Help! Help!\" he screamed. \"Don't flush it!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him.This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, \"How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?\"The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, \"I'm drowning, you moron!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Shortly after Bill Gates was killed in a freak accident, he found himself being sized up by Saint Peter. \"Bill, this is a tough call. You've made great technological advancements with Microsoft, but you've also given us Windows 95. I think I'm going to let you choose between Heaven and Hell.\" \"That sounds fair,\" Gates replied. \"May I have a look at hell first?\" And so first Saint Peter took him to Hell. \"This is hell? Wow, look at all those gorgeous women, the ones that laughed when I asked them out on dates in high school. And look at those mansions!\" exclaimed Bill. \"And see all those coders? They work 24 hours a day for free just because they really love you, Bill, and live only to please you.\" \"Shazam, this is all virtual, isn't it, Saint Peter?\" \"Yep. With no bugs, Bill.\" \"If this is hell, what can heaven be like?\" (Saint Peter makes sweeping gesture) \"Like this!\" \"People wearing robes and playing harps while they sit on clouds? What a boring cliche. I'll take Hell!\" replies, Gates. And so two weeks later, St Peter paid a little visit. \"Hey what the hell's going on? It's nearly 200 degrees and the air is terrible. There's no food or drink. Goblins jab me in the ribs constantly. I'm crawling with vermin and weak with disease. They play the Beastie Boys at all hours, for all eternity. There are NO COMPUTERS! Where are the women, the program slaves, the virtual wonders? Where is the splendid hell you promised me?\" cries Gates. \"Oh that, that was just a demo...\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. \"Where the hell have you been all night?\" she demands.\"At this fantastic new bar,\" he says. \"The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!\" The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.\"Is this the Golden Saloon?\" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. \"Yes it is,\" bartender answers. \"Do you have huge golden doors?\" \"Sure do.\" \"Do you have golden floors?\" \"Most certainly do.\" \"What about golden urinals?\" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, \"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"School\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A girl has brought her fiance home for dinner. After dinner, the fiance and the girl's father go into the study for a man to man talk. \"So, what are you doing right now?\" asks the father. \"I am a theology scholar,\" replies the fiance. \"Do you have any plans of employment?\" \"I will study and God will provide.\" \"What about the children?\" asks the man. \"God will provide.\" \"And your house and car?\" \"Again, God will provide,\" says the fiance. After the talk, the girl's mother asks the father, \"So what did you two talk about?\" The man replies, \"He has no plans of employment, but on the other hand, he thinks I'm God.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with. Finally, the uncle decided to give them a real treat. \"Why don't you grab a gun, take my prized hunting dogs, and go have some fun shooting?\" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, the nephew returned. \"How did you enjoy that?\" asked the uncle. \"It was great!\" exclaimed the nephew. \"Got any more dogs?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Aviation\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, \"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die. . .\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help. A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but just barely) the man carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25-cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father's thanks. As the man is about to leave, the father asks one last question: \"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before -it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?\" \"Oh, good heavens, no\", the man replies, \"I work for the IRS.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A limousine had encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change when a small mini also drives up. The haughty businessman int he back of the limousine started bragging to the mini owner. \"This is the best limo that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, onboard computer control system, photochromatic glass, mini bar, a television with satellite dish embedded in the roof, blah blah blah....\" At this point the mini owner interrupted. \"But do you have a video in there?\" The light changed just then, and the limo driver pulled off. The businessman in back felt a bit down that he didn't have this simple item, and that very day had one installed in the limo. A few days passed, and again the limo was at a traffic light when the businessman spotted the mini. It was pulled over to a side, with the glass all steamed up, and steam coming from a half open window. Upon seeing this, the businessman got out of his car and knocked on the window of the mini. After a few moments, the mini owner poked his head out. \"I installed a VCR in my limo,\" said the businessman proudly. \"What!?!' the mini-man responded. \"You got me out of the shower for THAT?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: Why did Kobe Bryant buy a dictionary?A: To figure out what part of \"no\" he doesn't understand. Q: Why is Kobe Bryant so confident that he'll rebound well after this scandal?A: Because he'll be the tallest player on the prison team. Q: Why is Kobe Bryant stacking money in his backyard?A: To practice jumping bail. Q: Why has Kobe Bryant started smoking a little pot?A: To help him prepare for the Big Joint. Q: Why does Kobe wear goggles during sex?A: To keep the mace out of his eyes. Q: What do Gigli and Kobe Bryant have in common?A: Both leave people in tears feeling screwed. Q: Who's the head lawyer on Kobe's legal team?A: The one with dirt on his knees. Q: Why is Kobe Bryant so worried about jury prejudice during his trial?A: Cuz no one likes a rapist. Q: How is Kobe Bryant spending his free time this summer?A: By adding a second bedroom to the dog house. Q: Why did Kobe add the letter \"O\" to his bracelet?A: So it would stand for: \"What Would O.J. Do?\". Q: Why did Kobe buy his wife such a huge diamond?A: Because the weight of it slows down her punches. Q: What did Shaq say when he heard of Kobe's marital infidelity?A: Kobe making a pass? She must be lying. Q: What did President Bush say when he heard that Sprite might drop Kobe?A: \"Who cares, I'm a coke man myself.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, \"Ok, old fellow, time to retire.\"The old rooster says, \"You can't handle all these chickens . . look at what it did to me!\"The young rooster replies, \"Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike.\"The old rooster says, \"Aw, c'mon . . .just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you.\"The young rooster says, \"Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!\"The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, \"I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop.\"The young rooster says, \"You know I'm going to beat you, old man,so just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start.\"They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck \"Go!\" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!......he blows the young rooster to bits.He sadly shakes his head and says, \"Damnit, third gay rooster I bought this week!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop and said, \"Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first.\" The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, \"I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female.\" For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. \"Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well.\" The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike. For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, \"I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female.\" The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, \"I wish that the bear was gay.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to thesame sleeping room on a transcontinental train.Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two aretired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, \"Ma'am, I'msorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet toget me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.\"\"I have a better idea,\" she replies. \"Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.\"\"Wow! That's a great idea!!\" he exclaims.\"Good,\" she replies. \"Get your own damn blanket!\"After a moment of silence, he farted."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound. Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green. The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one. Moses turned to Jesus and said, \"I hate playing with your Dad.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A young woman, who was at her father's funeral, asked her mother, \"Mom, how did Dad die?\" Her mom replied, \"Heart attack.\" \"What was he doing?\" the daughter asked. Her mother said, \"Well, we were having sex.\" This infuriated the daughter, because they were both 80 years old. The daughter said, \"You guys are 80 years old! You should have expected something like this! You're way too old to be engaging in this sort of activity!\" The mom replied, \"Well, you see, years ago, we realized that at noon every day, the church bells rang. So, we decided to work along to that nice, slow rhythm so that your father wouldn't have a heart attack. It worked for years too. That poor guy... he'd still be alive today if that darned Ice Cream truck hadn't come along...\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "John was on his way to work. He got on his bus and sat down. After a while there is a small bump. John; \"What was that?\" Driver; \"It was a cat\" John; \"Why did you run it over?\" Driver; \"Well it was either that or swerve into the tree at the side of the road and kill us all!\" John; \"Oh, fair enough\" A little farthur down the road the bus swerves suddenly and a bigger bump shakes the bus. John; \"What was that!!?\" Driver; \"It was a dog\" John; \"Why did you run it over?\" Driver \"I couldn't help it, I tried to swerve but I hit it by accident\" John; \"That's awful but I suppose you did try to swerve\" The bus continued on its journey but later on it swerved again and there was a small bump followed by a large thud. John; \"What is it this time?\" Driver; \"I hit an old lady\" John; \"Oh my god. Is she alright? Driver; \"No she's lying in a pool of blood by the side of the road.\" John; \"I can't believe this! Why did this have to happen on my journey.\" The driver called for an ambulence and the bus set off again. When John got off the bus, he asked the driver: \"If the big bump was the old lady, what was the small one?\" The driver simply replied \"I had to go on the pavement to get her!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Arthur Davidson, inventor of the Harley Davidson motorcycle corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, \"since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven.\" Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, \"I want to hang out with God.\" So Arthur asked God \" Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?\" God said, \"ah, yes.\" \"Well,\" said Arthur, \"professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion. 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds. 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. 4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous.\" \"Hmmm, you may have some good points there,\" replied God, \"hold on.\" so God went to his celestial super computer, typed in a few words, and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. \"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,\" God tells Arthur, \"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days. MacDougal said, \"Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match. At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket. \"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?\" asked one of the three Englanders. \"Watch and you'll see,\" answers one of the Scotsmen. They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, \"Ticket, please.\" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all. \"How are you going to travel without a ticket,\" asks one perplexed Englishman. \"Watch and you'll see,\" says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Englishmen cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, \"Ticket, please.\""
}
] |
Subsets and Splits