conversations
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[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A newlywed couple arrive at their honeymoon suite and prepare to have sex for the first time. As they start to settle under the covers, she tells her husband,\"I've got a confession. I'm not a virgin, but I've been with only one man.\"The husband thinks for a second and says,\"Well it's 2003, that's not unusual for you to have had premarital sex. But can I ask who the guy was?\"She fidgets for a minute, then says,\"Tiger Woods.\"Her husband is surprised by this response but tells her,\"Well, he's rich, talented, and good-looking. I can see why you wanted to sleep with him.\"So they make love for the first time and when they finish he gets up and goes to the room phone. His wife rolls over and asks,\"What are you doing?\"He tells her, \"I'm hungry. I was gonna call room service. Do you want anything?\"\"Tiger wouldn't have done,\" she says.\"Oh really? What would Tiger have done,\" he asks.\"Tiger would have come back to bed and made love to me a second time.\"So her husband puts down the phone and gets back to bed and makes love to his wife a second time. After they finish he gets out of bed and walks to the phone again. Again his wife asks,\"What are you doing?\"\"Well I never called room service the first time and I'm still hungry,\" he replies.\"Tiger wouldn't have done that,\" she again tells him.\"Oh really. And what would Tiger have done?\"\"Tiger would have come back to bed and made love to me a third time,\" she says.So her husband goes back to bed and makes love to her for a third time. After finally finishing he rolls out of bed again and goes to the phone.\"Calling room service again?\" she asks.\"No! I'm calling Tiger so I can find out what the par is for this damn hole!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Aviation\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three guys parachute from a burning plane onto an island and are quickly caught by a bunch of canabals. The leader of the canabals says \"I will spare your lives if you can complete 2 tasks for me otherwise we will eat you on the spot.\"The first task is to collect ten items of fruit or vegatables from anywhere on the island\" So sure enough off they go in three different directions with canable escorts.10 minutes later the first man returns carrying ten apples and the second task is layed before him \"You must push all 10 apples up your bum without making a single sound!\" so with little choice the first man begins 1 23...4....5 \"OUCH\" he shouts and sure enough he is torn limb from limb and eaten by the cannables.5 minutes later after the meal the second man returns with 10 berrys and is given the second task. So off he goes...123456.7..8Suddendly the second man burst into laughter and is torn limb from limb and eaten.When the second man reaches heaven he is greated by the first man who is itching to ask him a question \"WHY OH WHY when you had such an easy task did you start laughing????\" to which the second man replies \"There i was inserting berrys up my bum thinking how easy it was when i looked up to see the other fella with a big grin on his face and 10 mellons in his arms!!!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of their lesser-known family members are coming to the attention of American authorities. Among the brothers are: Sooflay ..................the restaurateur Guday................... the half-Australian brother Huray.................... the sports fanatic Begay......................the gay brother Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins from the African mother Sayhay....................the baseball player Ojay........................the stalker / murderer Gulay......................the singer / entertainer Ebay.......................the Internet czar Biliray......................the country music star Ecksray...................the radiologist Puray.......................the blender factory owner Regay......................the half-Jamaican brother Tupay......................the one with bad hair And the sisters are: Pusay.......................the 'loose' 22 yr. old Lattay........................the coffee shop owner Bufay.........................the 300 pound sister Dushay......................the clean sister Phayray.....................the zoo worker in the gorilla house Sapheway..................the grocery store owner Ollay..........................the half-Mexican sister Gudlay........................the prostitute"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a giraffe in heat.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends repeatedly that you love them.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees, and lower back.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.WARNING: The crumsumpten of alcahol may maak yu tink you kan tipe real gude."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Office Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Things you'd really like to say at work 01. I can see your point, but you're still full of crap. 02. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronouce. 03. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 04. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 05. Ahh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again. 06. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 07. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 08. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 09. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...? 11. This isn't and office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 12. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 14. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1? 15. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Business\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A young engineer was leaving the office at 6 pm when he found the CEO standing in front of the paper shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. \"Listen,\" said the CEO, \"this is important, my secretary has left for the day. Can you make this thing work?\" \"Certainly,\" said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. \"Excellent, excellent!\" said the CEO as his paper disappered inside the machine. \"I just need one copy.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A drunk, staggering down main street, somehow manages to make it into a cathedral. A priest watched him, as he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way into the confessional. The priest, thinking the man needs his assistance, proceeds to his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded with a lengthy silence, followed by bodily gas being released. The priest, battling extreme stench, finally asks... \"may I help you, my son?\" \"Dunno\"...came a slurred voice from the other side ...\"you got any toilet paper?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries \"Man! How many bars do you work at?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida, his wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email, unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint, at the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen..... DEAREST WIFE...JUST GOT CHECKED IN...EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW...P.S.SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Office Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "What a difference 30 years makes: 1973: Long hair 2003: Longing for hair 1973: The perfect high 2003: The perfect high yield mutual fund 1973: KEG 2003: EKG 1973: Acid rock 2003: Acid reflux 1973: Moving to California because it's cool 2003: Moving to California because it's warm 1973: Growing pot 2003: Growing pot belly 1973: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2003: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 1973: Seeds and stems 2003: Roughage 1973: Popping pills, smoking joints 2003: Popping joints 1973: Killer weed 2003: Weed killer 1973: Hoping for a BMW 2003: Hoping for a BM 1973: The Grateful Dead 2003: Dr. Kevorkian 1973: Going to a new, hip joint 2003: Receiving a new hip joint 1973: Rolling Stones 2003: Kidney Stones 1973: Being called into the principal's office 2003: Calling the principal's office 1973: Screw the system 2003: Upgrade the system 1973: Disco 2003: Costco 1973: Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2003: Children begging you to get their heads shaved 1973: Taking acid 2003: Taking antacid 1973: Passing the drivers' test 2003: Passing the vision test 1973: Whatever 2003: Depends"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. \"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent.\" \"ONE CENT!\" exclaimed the guy; the barman replied, \"Yes.\" So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, \"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?\" \"Certainly sir,\" replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money.\" How much money?\" inquires the guy. \"4 cents\", he replies. \"FOUR cents!\" exclaims the guy. \"Where's the Guy who owns this place?\" The barman replies, \"Upstairs with my wife.\" The guy says, \"What's he doing with your wife?\" The bartender replies, \"Same as I'm doing to his business.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Ever stop to think...and forget to start again? I are proud to be a college studentConserve toilet paper...use both sides Don't come knockin' if the car is a rockin' 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain Keep honking...I'm reloading Don't steal....the government hates competition I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like his passengers!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been known about the town, and on this very special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. \"Well\"...explained the husband...\"it all goes all the way back to our honeymoon, you see, we visited the Grand Canyon and wetook a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.\" He continues...\"well now, we hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled, she quietly said...that's once.\" \"We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again and my wife quietly spoke...that's twice.\" \"You know, that mule hadn't gone a half-mile when it stumbled a third time.\" My wife promptly removed a gun from her purse, hopped off the beast, and shot the mule dead.\" \"I protested over her treatment of the mule, she slowly turned tome and quietly said...that's once.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"School\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. One of the students said to his friend:\"I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome - those people walk just like that.\" The other student says: \"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome, he walks just like we learned in class.\" Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached the old man and one of the students said to him: \"We're medical students and couldn't ignore the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?\" The old man said: \"I'll tell you but first you'll tell me what you think.\" Then one of the students said: \"I think it's Petry Syndrome.\" And the old man said: \"you thought, but you're wrong.\" Then the other student said: \"I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.\" And the old man said: \"you thought, but you're wrong.\" So they asked him: \"so what do you have?\" And the old man said: \"I thought I needed to fart. I thought, but was wrong.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Nellie, shopping at her local supermarket, selects a quart of milk, a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon and aquart of orange juice. A drunk standing behind her, watches as she places the items in front of the cashier. He says to her...\"you must be single.\" The woman, startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her four items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her items, she says...\"well, you're correct, but how on earth did you know that?\" The drunk staggers as he puts his beer in front of the same cashier and says...\"cause you're ugly!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer. \"I can't do that, officer.\" \"Why not?\" \"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.\" \"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.\" \"Can't do that either, officer.\" \"Why not?\" \"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.\" \"Alright, we could get a blood sample.\" \"Can't do that either, officer.\" \"Why not?\" \"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.\" \"Fine then, just walk this white line.\" \"Can't do that either, officer.\" \"Why not?\" \"Because I'm drunk.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "With Sam dying, his wife Carol was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand praying and crying, this roused him from his slumber.He looked up and his pale lips said...\"my darling Carol.\"\"Hush, my love\"...she said... \"rest, don't talk.\"In his tired voice...\"I have something I must confess to you.\"\"There's nothing to confess\"...replied the weeping Carol...\"everything is all right, just go to sleep.\"\"No\"...he struggles...\"I must die in peace, I have something to tell you Carol...I cheated on you!\"\"I know\"...Carol whispered as she softly stroked his forehead...\"just let the poison do it's job.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man comes home to find his wife packing her suitcase. He says \"Honey, what are you doing\". She says, \"I'm leaving you, I want a divorce.\"The husband says, \"But why, what's wrong?\"The wife says, \"I just found out that you are a pedophile\"The husband says, \"Whoa, that's an awful big word for a 10-year old.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "In a train car there was a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip, the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek. 1) The blonde thought - \"That fresh American wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face.\" 2) The fat lady thought - \"That dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him.\" 3) The American thought - \"That bloody Canadian put his hands on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me.\" 4) The Canadain thought - \"I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "On the first day God created the cow... God said, \"you must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer...for that I will give you a life span of sixty years.\" The cow said, \"that's kind of a tough life, you want me to live for sixty years...let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty\" and God agreed. On the second day, God created the dog... God said, \"sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past...I'll give you a life span of twenty years.\" The dog said, \"that's too long to be barking... give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten.\" So God agreed. On the third day God created the monkey... God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh... I'll give you a twenty year life span.\" the monkey said, \"how boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so...dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too.\" And God agreed again. Now on the fourth day, God created man... God said, \"Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy...do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy... I'll give you twenty years.\" Man said, \"what...only twenty years? no way man, tell you what, I'll take my twenty...the forty cow gave back... the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back... that makes eighty, okay?\" \"Okay,\" said God... \"you've got a deal!\" So this is why for... the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing... the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family... the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren... the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody... life has now been explained."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Many, many years ago, when I was twenty-three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be, This widow had a grown-up daughter, with flowing hair of red, My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life, My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife, To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy, I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy. Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run, And this made him my grandson, for he was my daughter's son, My wife is now my mother's mother and this makes me very blue, Because, although she is my wife, she's now my grandma too. If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild, And every time I think of this, it simply drives me wild, For now I have become the strangest case that you ever saw, As the husband of my grandmother, I am now my own grandpa!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Aviation\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. \"I'm too young to die,\" she wails. Then she yells, \"Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?\" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt... one button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps... He whispers... \"Iron this, and get me something to eat.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet. CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains. SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more. POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke. LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush. GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling. DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet. CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory. GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times. SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways. WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water. THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose. THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Perfect Employee?1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be11 dispensed with. Consequently, I recommend that Bob be12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be13 executed as soon as possible.Addendum:That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There are these two guys named John and Cliff. They were best friends and were so obsessed with baseball that they would go to 60 games a year and analyze every scoreboard. They even promised each other that when one of them goes to heaven, the deceased one would come back and tell the other whether there was baseball in heaven or not.One night Cliff dies in his sleep after watching a Chicago White Sox game -- Chicago won, so at least he died a happy man. The next day Cliff returns to earth to see his friend. \"Hi, John.\" \"Cliff, is it really you?\" \"Hey, I told you I'd be back to tell you what's up. And, you know John, there's good news and bad news.\" \"Okay. What's the good news?\" \"There is baseball in heaven.\" \"The bad news?\" \"You're pitching tomorrow night.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Subject....Health FoodWith today's adults looking for a healthier lifestyle,food and stress are very important to them.We will look first at what food can be added to ourdiet that will help relieve stress.The food in question, is chocolate. This overlookedfood is considered unhealthy, but let's take a look.Chocolate is made from sugar and cocoa beans withthe bean known as a vegetable. Sugar is derived mainly from sugar cane, this would also be in the vegetable category, thus classifying allchocolate as a vegetable. Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, and as you well know,you are encouraged to eat as much fruit as you want!To take this one step further, milk chocolate contains milk, which is dairy, therefore, chocolate, in any form, should be considered a health food. so remember...STRESSED spelled backward is.............(scroll down) DESSERTS"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, \"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?\"The crow answered: \"Sure, why not.\"So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes backthere are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note tothe Chinaman that says, \"Use more soap on panties.\"This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to thelaundry.Finally fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said, \"Usemore paper on ass.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"School\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is \"definitely\" and its meaning is \"absolute, positive, without a doubt.\" She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself. Susan stands up and says, \"The sky is definitely blue.\" The teacher replies to her, \"Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?\" Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him. Tom answers, \"The water is definitely clear.\" \"Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?\" Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand. \"Yes, Robert?\" asks the teacher. \"Can I ask a question, teacher?\" Robert replies. \"Yes.\" \"Do farts have lumps?\" \"No. Why do you ask.\" \"Well, then I've definitely pooped in my pants.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, \"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.\"The gentleman replied, \"Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There are three men in the woods. they are hunter, trapper, and stupid guy. Hunter goes out and comes back an hour later with a bear. Trapper asks \"how did you get that?\" Hunter says me find tracks, me follow tracks, me find bear, me shoot bear, bear stop.\" Trapper goes out and comes back an hour later with a deer. Stupid guy asks \"how did you get that?\" Trapper says\" me find tracks, me follow tracks, me find deer, me shoot dear, dear stop.\" Stupid guy goes out and comes back two hours later bruised and nearly dead with broken limbs. Hunter and trapper ask \"What happened to you?\" stupid guy says \"me find tracks, me follow tracks, me find train, me shoot train, train don't stop.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Old Age\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A senior citizen's group chartered a bus from Brooklyn to Atlantic City. As they entered New Jersey, an elderly woman came up to the driver and said \"I've been molested!\" The driver thought she was just being delusional, and told her to go sit back down. 10 minutes later, another old woman came forward and claimed SHE'D been molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of wackos - who'd molest them? 10 minutes later, a third came up and said she'd been molested too. The driver decided he'd had enough, and pulled into the rest stop. When he stood up, he saw an old man on his hands and knees in the aisle. \"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?\" \"I lost my toupee. Three times I thought I found it, but when I grabbed it, it ran away...\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Military\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "It's the middle of summer and a Highway Patrolman pulls over a motoristfor speeding. While he's writing the ticket, flies keep buzzing aroundhis head, annoying him considerably. \"Circle flies sure are bad this year, aren't they?\" says the motorist. \"Yeah,\" says the patrolman, \"if that's what these are, you're sureright. But I've never heard of a circle fly before. What's that?\" \"Well,\" the motorist responds, \"circle flies are a species of fly thatare particularly partial to horses. Specifically, they tend to circlearound a horse's rear end. That's why they call 'em circle flies.\" The patrolman, catching the implication, replies, \"You don't say. Well,that's very interesting. But it strikes me that you might be trying tocall me a horse's ass. You wouldn't be making that kind of implicationabout an officer of the law, would you?\" \"Oh, no sir!\" responds the motorist. \"No, sir, not at all. I have theutmost respect for law enforcement officers, and would never dream ofimplying that one of them was a horse's ass. No, sir, I'm terribly sorry if that's how it sounded.\" \"Yeah, I didn't think so,\" replied the patrolman. \"Yeah,\" the motorist continued, \"but there's just no fooling those circle flies, is there?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Military\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There's a captain and his crew, and they always won naval battles. One day, a sailor called out \"Cap'! 10 ships approching!\" The Captain replied \"Get me my red shirt!\" They did, he put it on, and they won the battle.Later, a sailor called \"Cap'! 20 ships!\" \"Get me my red shirt!\" They did, and they won after he wore itLater, 50 ships attacked, they got thier captain his red shirt, and they wonThen one day a sailor asked \"Captain, why do you wear that red shirt?\" \"If I get shot and bleed, you won't see my blood and keep fighting for me\" said the captainLater...Sailor: \"Captain! 220000 ships!\"Captain: \"What!? Get me my brown pants!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"School\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is \"definitely\" and its meaning is \"absolute, positive, without a doubt.\" She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself. Susan stands up and says, \"The sky is definitely blue.\" The teacher replies to her, \"Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?\" Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him. Tom answers, \"The water is definitely clear.\" \"Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?\" Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand. \"Yes, Robert?\" asks the teacher. \"Can I ask a question, teacher?\" Robert replies. \"Yes.\" \"Do farts have lumps?\" \"No. Why do you ask.\" \"Well, then I've definitely pooped in my pants.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Ethnic Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One day an Indian, a Muslim, and a Cowboy were just sittin' around when all of the sudden, the Indian said with a gloomy look, \" Once my people were many, now we are few.\", then the Muslim said with a huge smile on his face, \"Once my people were few, now we are many.\", the Cowboy replied , \"Oh, that's just because we ain't played cowboys and muslims yet.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "George Bush and Colin Powell were sitting together at a bar. The bartender was surprised to see them and walked over to them. \"What are you guys talking about?\" he says to them. \"Well,\" Bush respones \"We were just talking about WW3. We are gonna kill 40 million Iraquies and one blonde with an amazing chest. \"Why would you kill a blonde with an amazing chest?\" The bartender asks puzzled. Bush then turns to Powell and says \"See I told you no one would care about 40 million Iraquies!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Aviation\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians. The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said,\" I think I'll get up and get a coke.\" \"No problem,\" said the attorney, \"I'll get it for you.\" While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, \"That looks good, I think I'll have one too.\" Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. \"How long must this go on?\" he asked. \"This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"School\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were so confident going into the final that two days before, they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends. They had a great time. However, they overslept and didn't make it back to Alabama until the morning of the exam. Rather than take the final, they found their professor afterward to explain why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final. The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points. It was something simple. \"Cool,\" they thought. \"This is going to be easy.\" They did that problem and then turned the page. Question #2 said: \"Which tire?\" (95 Points)."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three men are involved in a car crash on December 24th and arrive at the pearly gates where they are met by Saint Peter who tells them that because it is Christmas eve they must go back to the car and find something related to Christmas and give it to him in order to enter heaven. The first man goes back, looks under the front seat, finds a Christmas card and rushes back to Saint Peter and is promply let in. The second man looks in the trunk and finds some miseltoe and rushes back to Saint Peter and is also let in. The third man was having no luck finding anything in the car and starts to panic knowing that he will never enter heaven if he dosen't come up with something associated with Christmas. He had about given up when he looks into the glove compartment where he finds a pair of sexy underpants...it is almost midnight, so he figures he has nothing to lose and quickly sprints off. He runs up to golden gates and hands the panties to Saint Peter...the perplexed saint holds them gingerly between finger and thumb and says \"what do these have to do with Christmas ?\" the man sheepishly says \"they're Carols?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Five tourists in an Audi Quattro arrive at a border crossing. The customs officer waves them over. \"It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro,\" he says. \"What do you mean illegal?\" asks the driver. \"Quattro means four,\" replies the officer. \"Quattro is just the name of the automobile,\" the driver retorts. \"Look at the manual; this car is designed to carry five persons.\" \"You can't pull that one on me,\" replies the officer. \"Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are, therefore, breaking the law.\" \"You idiot!\" the driver cries angrily. \"Call your supervisor over - I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!\" \"Sorry,\" responds the officer, \"the Sergeant is busy with two newlyweds in a Fiat Uno.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A seven year old boy goes to the hospital with his grandmother to visit his grandfather. When they arrive there he runs ahead of his granny and bursts into his grandpa's room. \"Grandpa, as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog,\" he shouted. \"What for?\" asked his grandpa. \"Grandma said that as soon as you croaked, we're going to Disneyland\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Military\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Woman: \"Is there a problem officer?\"Officer: \"Ma'am you were speeding.\"Woman: \"Oh, I see.\"Officer: \"Can I see your license please?\"Woman: \"I'd give it to you, but I don't have one.\" Officer: \"Don't have one?\" Woman: \"Lost it 4 times for drinking.\"Officer: \"I see, can I have your vehicle registration papers please?\"Woman: \"I can't do that.\"Officer: \"why not?\"Woman: \"I Stole this car and hacked up the owner.\" Officer: \"You what?\"Woman: \"His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.\"The officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away from his car,and calls for back-up. within 5 minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun. Senior Officer: \"Ma'am could you step out of your vehicle please!\"woman: \"Is there a problem officer?\"Senior Officer: \"one of my men told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Woman: \"Murdered the owner!\" Senior Officer: \"yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please. The woman opens the trunk revealing nothing but an empty trunk.Senior Officer: \"Is this your car ma'am\"? Woman: \"Yes, here are my registration papers. The first officer is stunned. Senior Officer: \"One of my men claims that you do not have a driver's license.The woman digs into her bookbag and draws out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer looks quite puzzled as he glances at the license. Senior Officer: \"I'm sorry ma'am. One of my men claims that you didn't have a license, stole this car and murdered the owner.\" Woman: \"Betcha the lyin' bastard told you I was speeding too!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "February 10, 2003 It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.\"Hello?\" says a little girl's voice.\"Hi, honey, it's Daddy,\" says John. \"Is Mommy near the phone?\"\"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred.\"After a brief pause, John says, \"But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!\"\"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!\"\"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house.\"\"Okay, Daddy!\" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. \"Well, I did what you said, Daddy.\"\"And what happened?\"\"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead.\"\"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?\"\"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too.\"There is a long pause.\"Swimming pool? Sorry wrong number."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while theywere walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, \"Mary, I have good news andbad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you wereable to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead.\" Mary replied \"He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Military\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Police officers George and Mary, had been assigned to walk the beat.They had only been out a short while when Mary said, \"Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them.\"George replied, \"We don't have to go back, just give the K-9unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you.\"It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to thestation, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's noseshoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting.After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffsthe wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance.The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by adozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the DeskSergeant's balls in his mouth."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. \"Nurse,\" he mumbles from behind the mask, \"Are my testicles black?\" Embarrassed the young nurse replies, \"I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands.\" He struggles again to ask, \"Nurse, Are my testicles black?\" Again the nurse replies, \"I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands.\" The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong. \"Sister,\" he mumbled, \"Are my testicles black?\" Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his member out of the way, had a good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, \"Nothing is wrong with them!!!\" At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, \"Are my test results back???"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Once there was a man who every week bought a lottery ticket in the local liquor store. He really didn't expect to win until one day he jumped in joy when he found out that he won 30 million dollars. The man immidiatly ran to his car, drove home at full speed, pulled up the drive way, ran inside the house slamed the front door behind him. As soon as he saw his wife, he said \"Honey, I've won the lottery so pack your bags!!!\" The man's wife leaping in joy asked him; \"What should I pack for?, for hiking, mountain climbing or sun bathing honey!?\"\"For what ever you want, Just make sure you're out by the end of the week!!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Aviation\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Oncer there was three men in an airplaine (White, Chinese, and Mexican) and were throwing out the door things that they had in adbundence in their countries. The Chinese opened the door of the plane and threw an cabbage. Later the mexican stepped up and threw an orange and finally the white man stepped up and threw a grenade.A couple of minutes later they got off the palne and started walking down the street when the suddenly saw a homeless man cursing . One of the men asked him \"Whats wrong?\" The homeless man answered \"God damned me. I asked him to feed me and all he sent me from heaven was a misserable cabbage. The men kept walking and a few blocks further down the street they came accross another homeless man who was weeping. One of the men approached the second homeless man and asked him. \"Are you ok? What's wrong?\" The homeless man looked at at him and said \"I asked God to feed me with at least a few crumbs of bread and he sent me a whole orange!\" The men continued walking even further down the street when suddenly they came accross a 13 year old boy who was laughing uncontrollably. One of the men asked him \"Young man? May I asked what is so funny?\" The young boy kept laughing and in the first gasp of air he managed to breath he said \"SEE THAT HOUSE BEHIND ME? I FARTED SO LOUD IT BLEW UP!!!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Giraffe and bunny meet up in the forest. Giraffe, in his usual arrogant way starts up a conversation.\"So, bunny, do you know how great it is to have such a long neck?\" he asks, a faint tone of smugness in his voice.\"I'm sure I don't,\" replies bunny, obviously not really that interested.\"Well, to begin with, when I'm hungry and I chew my beautiful leaves, how can I describe the sensation of the leaves going down my throat....they go down and down and down....it's one hour of sheer pleasure.\"\"Really, how fascinating,\" replies bunny, one eyebrow raised.Oblivious to bunny's lack of enthusiasm, giraffe continues, \"And when I'm thirsty, and I drink water, for a full hour it goes down....and down....and down...It's heaven on earth!\"\"Amazing,\" comments bunny,\"but just one question. Have you ever thrown up?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A teacher just taught her class how to describe stuff, using colors and size. She then decides to play a guessing game with them. She asks, \"what fruit is red both on the inside and the outside?\" A very smart little boy by the name of Johnny, jumped up and answers, \"it's a strawberry.\" The teacher replied, \"no dear, but you're thinking, you're thinking.\"She then asks, \"what is yellow on the inside and sometimes yellow and green on the outside?\" The same little boy jumps up and shouts, \"an orange.\" The teacher smiled patiently and said, \"no Johnny, but you're thinking, you're thinking.\"She then offered them the chance to quiz her. Again, Johnny hollers out and asks, \"what is long, brown, has a red head and in my pants?\"Apalled by his question, she sent him to the corner. He then looked at her and said, \"no miss, it's my pencil, but you're thinking, you're thinking!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "You know you're from Canada when ... 1. You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup. 2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. 3. The mosquitoes have landing lights. 4. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car. 5. You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat. 6. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas. 7. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground. 8. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard. 9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow. 10.You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons. 11.You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car. 12.The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey. 13.At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant. 14.The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun. 15.Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof. 16.You think the start of deer season is a national holiday. 17.You head south to go to your cottage. 18.You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck. 19.You know which leaves make good toilet paper. 20.The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo it's sausage making. 21.You find -40C a little chilly. 22.The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze. 23.You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorrels. 24.You can play road hockey on skates. 25.You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction. 26.The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus. 27.You understand the Labatt Blue commercials. 28.You perk up when you hear the theme from \"Hockey Night in Canada\". 29.You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Canadian friends."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Blind Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol. \"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?\" the officer said. The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, \"What did he say?\" \"He said you were speeding!\" the old man yelled. The patrolman then asked, \"May I see your license?\" The woman turned to her husband again, \"What did he say?\" The old man yelled back, \"He wants to see your license!\" The woman then gave the officer her license. \"I see you are from Arkansas,\" the patrolman said. \"I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen.\"The woman turned to her husband again and asked, \"What did he say?\" The old man replied, \"He said he knows you!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Old Age\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said \"Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older.\" \"What do you mean?\" asked the second guy. \"Well,\" replied the first. \"I can barely remember the last time I got aroused in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!\" \"Healthier? How is that?\" his buddy wondered. \"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd get these terrible headaches.\" he answered. \"Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his bedside day and night. One night, Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer. He says, \"My Sadie, you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what, Sadie?\" \"What Dear?\" she asked gently. \"I think you're bad luck.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Military\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "January 20, 2003 A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. \"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes,\" he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. \"What in hell am I doing?\" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. \"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!\" \"Last week my wife ran off with a cop,\" the man said, \"and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!\" \"Have a nice night\", said the officer."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Once this girl named Mary died in a car crash and went up to heaven.When she got there, there was an angel there.Mary was dumbfounded when she turned around and saw a whole bunch of clocks.Mary asked the angel why were there clocks on the wall. The angel said \"Oh the clocks are for all the people that died and the clocks calculate all the sins that person made in his or hers lifetime.So Mary asked where was Abraham Lincoln's? The angel said \"Oh it's that one over there, the clock went only 2 times to the right cause he only sined 2 times.\" \"Where's Mother Teresa's?\" Mary asked \"Well that one is on your left, since she didn't sin, The clocked never moved.\" \"So where's Bill Clinton's clock?\" Mary questioned. \"Um...I think that one is in Jesus's Workshop. Because I mean ever since the Monica incident, the clock went haywire!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Aviation\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "It seems that a young couple had just gotten married and spent their wedding night with the young man's parents.In the morning the mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast, went to the bottom of the stairs and called for them to come down for breakfast.After a long wait the family ate without the newlyweds. The mother said, \"I wonder why they never came down to eat?\" The grooms young brother said, \"Mommy, I think -- \" \"Oh shut up, I don't want to hear what you think!\" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the younger brother.At lunch time the mother again prepared a wonderful meal and again called the young couple to eat. After another long wait the family proceeded to eat, and after the meal was completed the mother once again said, \"I wonder why they never came down to eat?\" Once again the younger brother started to speak, but was interrupted by the mother.At dinner time once again the mother cooked a very elaborate meal, had the table set perfect and called the newlyweds to join the family for dinner. After another long wait the mother once again questioned why they had not come downstairs all day. The young lad once again said, \"Mommy I think -- \" \"Well what is it that you think?\" asked the mother rather irritated. \"I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model plane glue instead.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Military\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "This is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio communication between a U.S. NAVY ship and Canadian authorities off the cost of Newfoundland, October 1995. Radio log released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95: WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Business\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The new company recruit was lazy. One morning he dialed the number of the cafeteria, but got the wrong number... When someone picked the phone he said, \"I'm don't feel like working today. Can you send up a coffee and a muffin, and I'll just sit around and read the paper?\" \"Do you know whom you are talking to?\" the other side asked. \"No.\" he replied. \"You are talking to the director of this company!\" the other side replied. Then our friend asked, \"do you know who is talking on this side?\" \"No.\" the director replied. \"Good.\" And he put the phone down."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "1. Only in Canada......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in Canada......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in Canada......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in Canada.....do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in Canada......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in Canada......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in Canada......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in Canada......do we buy hot dogs in packages of twelve and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in Canada.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in Canada......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Aviation\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. \"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.\" Watson replies, \"I see millions of stars.\" \"What does that tell you?\" Watson ponders for a minute. \"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?\" Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. \"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Man approaches to greet a new neighbor who is just moving into the house next door and asks what he does for a living. Neighbor 1: I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning. Man: Deductive reasoning? What is that? Neighbor 1: Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog. Man: That's right. Neighbor 1: The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family. Man: Right again. Neighbor 1: Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife. Man: Correct. Neighbor 1: And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual. Man: Yup. Neighbor 1: That is deductive reasoning. Man: Cool. .....Later that same day... Man: Hey I was talking to that new neighbor next door. Neighbor 2: Is he a nice guy? Man: Yes, and he has an interesting job. Neighbor 2: Oh, yeah? What does he do? Man: He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University. Neighbor 2: Deductive reasoning? What's that? Man: Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house? Neighbor 2: No. Man: Queer!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two guys were walkin' down a grassy road, houses to the left, houses to the right. Soon, they came across a strange lookin' pile o' somethin' on the ground. First dude: \"Hey, I wonder what this is\" Second dude: \"It's smelly and awful\" 1st: \"It's brown and nasty\" 2nd: \"Why don't you taste it?\" So the first dude sticked his finger in it, tasted it, and made a face. 1st: \"Argh...I think it's dog poop\" 2nd: \"Well, at least we didn't step in it\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for:There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man is sitting in the bar when he notices another patron a fewstools away. The guy had a body like Charles Atlas but his headwas the size of a thimble. The first man said, \"Please excuse me for staring but I can'thelp but be curious as to why your body is so well developed butyour head is so small.\" The man says, \"Buy me a drink and I'lltell you.\" The drink was bought and the story began. \"I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was theonly survivor and I managed to make it to a deserted island afew miles away. I had been there for several months and wassitting on the beach one day waiting for a bird or a fish tocome by, so I would have something to eat. Looking up I saw amermaid sunning on a nearby rock. She swam over to me andinformed me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me 3wishes. \"Great, I'd like to be rescued.\" She slapped the water with hertail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island. Next I asked for a body like Charles Atlas. Another slap of hertail and here it is. Then noticing how beautiful she was and all my other wishedfulfilled I asked if I could make love to her. She said no, itjust wouldn't work, her being half fish and all, so I said\"Well, how about a little head then?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in- law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing.She was quick to comment, loud and long, on his thoughtlessness. The gentleman said only one thing - \"Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "At age 5 success is not peeing in your pantsAt age 10 success is having friendsAt age 16 success is having your driver's licenseAt age 20 success is having sexAt age 35 success is having moneyAt age 50 success is having moneyAt age 65 success is having sexAt age 70 success is having your driver's licenseAt age 75 success is having friendsAt age 80 success is not peeing in your pants"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: \"You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees.\" The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees. Four weeks later the boss returns and says: \"You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?\" The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: \"Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?\" A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: \"You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter. The guy next to him asked: \"Why are you laughing?\" \"I was thinking about my own funeral,\" the man replied. \"What's so funny about that?\" \"I'm a gynecologist.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, \"Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?\"Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, \"They won't let me fart.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors, green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. The young man said, \"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?\" The old man replied, \"Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "13. The check is in the mail. 12. You get this one, I'll pay next time. 11. You look great. 10. Of course I love you. 9. It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing. 8. ...but we can still be good friends. 7. She means nothing to me. 6. Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on \"empty.\" 5. Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone. 4. I'll call you later. 3. I've never done anything like this before. 2. I'm from your government, and I am here to help you. 1. I DO."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Office Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. \"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve,\" he said.Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, \"Blame your predecessor.\"The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, \"Reorganize.\" This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, \"Prepare three envelopes.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with chicken legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how say it, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted. The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store... (Please scroll the page down) What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!!!!!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Father Christmas was not in a very good frame of mind - in fact he was very depressed. That morning after breakfast, Mrs Santa had told him that her Mother wasoming over to stay 'for a few days' and he knew that would be for several weeks, and as Christmas was approaching her visit was the last thing that he wanted. The Elves had neen playing up and had gone on strike for more pay. The replacement elves Santa had put in were much slower and the number of toys that had been made was way down. Father Christmas went to visit his Reindeers and found that two of them were pregnant and another two had kicked down the fence and had disappeared into the forest. He was by now even more depressed. What I need is a drink he thought, but upon going indoors he found that the elves had hidden his Whisky and there was nothing left to drink in his liquour cabinet. Deciding upon a coffee he went into the kitchen but managed to drop the Jar of Coffee all over the floor. Now he really was cheesed off! He went to fetch the broom to sweep up the mess but found that the mice had chewed off all the bristles. At that moment there was a knock at the front door. Upon opening it, Father Christmas was confronted by a beautiful Fairy holding a lovely Christmas Tree. \"Good Morning, Santa\" she called \"Isn't it a really lovely day. I have bought you this beautiful tree, isn't it lovely? Where would you like me to stickit?\" And that is why by tradition we have a Fairy sitting on top of our Christmas Trees."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. asleepfor nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longerpregnant.Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies,\"Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came inand named them.\" The woman thinks to herself, \"Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot!\"Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, \"Well, what's the girl's name?\"\"Denise,\" says the doctor.The new mother thinks, \"Wow, that's not a bad name! I guess I was wrongabout my brother. I like Denise!\" Then she asks the doctor, \"What's the boy's name?\" The doctor replies, \"Denephew.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did.Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's job.Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "3 men were walking home to there house one summer. They all lived right next to each other. All 3 of them had a large swimming pool. They were just getting ready to dive into the pool, when a genie popped out in front of them.\"It's your lucky day!\" said the genie. \"Just jump and say whatever drink you want, and the pool water will turn into it.\"The first man jumped and said \"Budweiser!\" and he jumped into a pool of Budweiser.The second man jumped and said \"Coke!\" and he jumped into a pool of Coke.The third man jumped and said... \"Weeeeeeeee!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Deep Thoughts\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Star Wars vs Titanic 10. Titanic top speed woefully shy of light speed. 9. Leia is a princess, a senator, and a freedom fighter. Rose is engaged. 8. \"...using an old Jedi mind trick\" much more interesting way to get what you want than saying \"Please, I have a child.\" 7. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral. 6. Darth Vader wears black body armor and blows up planets for fun. Cal wears snappy tuxedo and is rude to the poor. 5. Everyone knew the boat was going to sink, but nobody anticipated, \"Luke... I am your father.\" 4. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars. 3. If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he could use the Force to get the key. 2. Han Solo would've steered clear of that stinkin' iceberg! 1. Sure, Leo can dance, but can he bull's-eye Womp Rats in his T16 back home?"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. 2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run thecountry. 3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country. 4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the countrybut don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however,like their statistics shown in pie charts. 5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind runningthe country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave LA to do it. 6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much. 7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they canget a seat on the train. 8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated. 9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is,they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptionsif the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs, whoalso happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long asthey are Democrats. 10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores. 11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at thegrocery store."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. \"Good morning,\" said the young man. \"If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.\" \"Go away!\" said the old lady. \"I haven't got any money\" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. \"Don't be too hasty!\" he said. \"Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.\" And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. \"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.\" \"Well,\" she said, \"I hope you have a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling self- deprecating tales.In one situation, he was waiting at a taxi stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he placed his suitcase in the car and took a seat next to it.\"Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?\" asked the taxi driver.Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight.\"No, sir, I have never seen you before.\"The puzzled Doyle asked him how he knew he was Conan Doyle.\"This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you're a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. And so, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.\"Doyle remarked, \"This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counterpart to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes.\"\"There is one other thing,\" the driver said.\"What is that?\"\"Your name is on the front of your suitcase.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea.The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson.Lo, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand before her.The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine.But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. \"When we came,\" she snapped indignantly, \"he had a hat!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day beforeThanksgiving and says, \"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.\" \"Pop, what are you talking about?\" the son screams. \"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,\" the father says. \"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.\" Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.\"Like hell they're getting divorced,\" she shouts, \"I'll take care of this,\" She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, \"You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?\" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. \"Okay,\" hesays, \"they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Joe asks his wife, Karen, what she wants for their 40th wedding anniversary. \"Would you like a new Mink coat?\" he asks. \"Not really,\" says Karen. \"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?\" says Joe. \"No,\" she responds. \"What about a new vacation home in the country?\" he suggests. She again rejects his offer with a \"No thanks.\" \"Well, what would you like for your anniversary?\" Joe asks. \"Joe, I'd like a divorce,\" answers Karen. \"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much,\" says Joe."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Read each of the following lines out loud. This is this cat This is is cat This is how cat This is to cat This is keep cat This is an old cat This is idiot cat This is busy cat This is for cat This is forty cat This is seconds cat Now, go back and read the THIRD word in each line, starting at the top."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three old men are at the doctor's office for a memory test.The doctor says to the first old man, \"What is three times three?\"\"274,\" was his reply.The doctor worriedly says to the second man, \"It's your turn. What is three times three?\"\"Tuesday\" replies the second man.The doctor sadly says to the third man, \"Okay, your turn. What's three times three\"?\"Nine\" says the third man.\"That's great!\" exclaims the doctor. \"How did you get that\"?\"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple,\" says the third man. \"I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century.A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost \"in a series of small fires.\"The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won!In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire,\" and was obligated to pay the claim.Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the \"fires.\"NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim andtestimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.ONLY IN AMERICA"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One day a horse and a chicken were walking along on the farm, talking quietly to themselves. All of a sudden, the horse falls into a hole that he didn't see. The horse says to the chicken, \"Go get the farmer. He'll know what to do.\" So, the chicken runs off. About 10 minutes later, the horse hears a car, and he sees the chicken's head peer over the top of the hole. The chicken says, \"I couldn't find the farmer, but I got his car. Hold this rope, and I'll try to drag you out.\" So, after a few minutes, the horse was safely out of the hole. About a month later, both had forgotten all about the hole. They were once again talking and walking about the farm, when all of a sudden, the chicken falls into the same hole. The chicken says to the horse, \"Go get the farmer; he'll know what to do.\" But the horse walks around the hole and says, \"I think I can stand over the hole. Grab my thingy, and I'll pull you out.\" And so, about 5 minutes later, the chicken was safely out of the hole. This time, they remembered the hole, and never got stuck again. Moral: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a car to pick up a chick!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There are many different pickup lines: 1. Hi, i lost my phone number, can i borrow yours? 2. Hi im new in town, can you give me directions to your house? 3. Hi im a matress sampler, can i test yours? 4. Hi, do you believe in love at first sight or should i walk by again? 5. Hi im a great person. want to screw? 6. Hi, im a game show host. if you're good in bed i have to give you $10,000. 7. Hi, im a doctor, need a physical? 8. Hi, i lost my virginity, can you help me find it? 9. can i call the police? you've stolen my heart. 10. (grabbing victims' body part) HELP! I CANT SEE ANYTHING!! 11. You theif! You've stolen my heart and you wont give it back. 12. Is it hot in here or is it just you? (for women to mem)13. I'm so funny, i'll make you laugh LONG and HARD! 14. I'm so big you wont know what went into you. 15. Wanna go out back? I have something to show you."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe a mistook him for John. She said, 'I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible.'Joe thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, 'Hell no in fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle. 'The old lady fainted."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man goes to the hosital because he is having pains in his stomach. He tells the doc what is wrong and the doc says \"You have constipation, you will need to take one of these suppository's every 6 hours for a week. I can help you with the first one.\" So, reluctantly, the man drops his pants, bends over, and the doc shoves it in. Later, at home, he is having a little trouble inserting the next one, so he asks his wife for help. He tells her what to do, drops his pants and bends over. She then puts one hand on his shoulder and starts pushing it in. \"Damn!\" the guy screams, \"What? Did I hurt you?\" his wife replies. \"No,\" said the man \"But I just realized something...the doctor put 2 hands on my shoulders!!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His Mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, \"Well, Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. Why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead?\" After Leroy threw a temper tantrum, his mother sent him to his room, where he finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus. Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your friend, Leroy. Now, Leroy knew that Jesus really understood what kind of boy he was - a brat - so Leroy ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try. Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year, and I want a new bicycle. Yours truly, Leroy Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest either, so he tore it up and tried again. Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year, and can I have a bicycle? Leroy Leroy looked deep down into his heart (which, by the way, was what his mother really wanted). He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can, and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about the streets, depressed because of the way he had treated his parents. For the first time, he really considered his actions. Leroy finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. He went inside and knelt down, looking around but not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden, he grabbed a small statue and ran out the door. He went home, hid it under his bed, and wrote this letter: Jesus, I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike. From, You know who.?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "This guy met a woman at a bar and she took him home to have sex. Afterwards when he is getting dressed, he sees a picture of some guy on her dresser. He asks her who the picture is of and she replies, \"Don't worry about it.\" He then says, \"Well is that your husband?\" She says that it is not. \"Well, is that your boyfriend?\" Again she says no. The guy then says, \"Well then, who the hell is it?\" She replies, \"It was me before my operation.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A san diego patrolman pulled over a driver and told him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5000 in a safety competition. \"what are you going to do with the money? \"the officer asked.\"i guess i\"ll go to driving school and get my license, \" the man answered.\"don't listen to him,\" said the woman in the passanger seat. \"he's a smart alect when he is drunk.\"This woke up the man in the back seat, who saw the cop and said, \"i knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car.\"Then there was a knock from the trunk, and a voice asked in spanish, \"are we over the border yet?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "After being married for 27 years this guy tells his wife that he is bored and is going to the bar to have a drink. As he enters the bar this gorgeous blond call him over. She says instead of you staying down here and drinking why don't you come upstairs to my apartment and we can drink and have sex all night. He is dumbfounded but decides to go. After a night of drinking and crazy sex he falls asleep and when he awakes he looks at the clock and says . O my god it's 3:00 A.m. I must go . It was great but you know I'm a married man and I don't want my wife to find out about this. She says don't worry it was just a one night stand. As he is leaving he says thank you and then asks her if she had any powder. She gives him the powder and he rubs it on his hands. He then leaves to go home. As he opens the door his wife is standing there all pissed off. She says \"and where were you\", He replies I was at the bar and I met this gorgeous woman and she invited me up to her place for drinks and a night of wild sex. She says \"let me see your hands\" He put out his hands and she says \"DON'T LIE TO ME YOU WENT BOWLING\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man sees a woman joging down the street while throwing back her arms, pushing her chest out and repeating \"I must, I must, increase my bust. Totally puzzled by this the man stops her. MAN: Why are you doing that. WOMAN: My doctor told me that doing this exercise and repeating I MUST, I MUST, INCREASE MY BUST, would help me get bigger boobs. MAN: It's wasn't doctor Simpson by any chance was it. WOMAN: Yes, but how did you know that. MAN: Oh well, I've been to him too. WOMAN: Really, what for. MAN: Hickory dickory dock ...."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Hey what are you going to do for a face when that ape wants his butt back? last time I saw a face like yours I fed it a bannana. I usually don't forget a face but for you i'll make an exception Want to know why birds fly upside down over Iowa? because it ain't worth crap Your So Fat that when you walked in a zoo the elephants threw peantuts too you"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, \"I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?\"Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.Patient: That's terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."
}
] |
Subsets and Splits