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[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed.In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on.At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of sherry. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, whom exclaims,'' may the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Scotsman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Three men are traveling in the Amazon: a Canadian, an American, and a Mexican.They get captured by a fierce tribe of Amazons.The tribe leader tells them they will be whipped for entering their territory. The tribe chief says to the Candian, \"What do you want on your back for your whipping?\"The Canadian responds, \"I will take oil!\"So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times.When he is finished the Canadian has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.The Amazons haul the Canadian away, and say to the Mexican,\"What do you want on your back?\"\"I will take nothing!, I will take my punishment like a real man!\" says the Mexican, and he boldly stands there and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch.Finally, it's the Yank's turn and the tribal chief asks:\"What will you take on your back?\"And he responds - \" I'll take the Mexican! \"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says \"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.\" Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, \"Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?\" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies \"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.\" Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, \"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny.\" Again, Johnny instantly replies, \"Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine.\" By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, \"Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?\" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says \"Well, we've been lucky so far...\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. \"What was that for?\" he asked. \"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,\" she replied. \"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,\" he explained. \"Oh honey, I'm sorry,\" she said. \"I should have known there was a good explanation.\" Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, \"What the hell was that for?\" She replied, \"Your horse called.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says \"Hey little girl. What are you doing?\" The little girl says \"I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!\" The fireman walks over to take a closer look. \"Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!\" the fireman says. \"Thanks mister\" says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. \"Little girl\", says the fireman, \"I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster.\" The little girl says, \"You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!'" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. \"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once\" John explained. \"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!\" Bob shouted angrily. \"Sure it will\" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. \"Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This guy sits down at the bar and orders 5 shots of tequila and downs them straight. The bartender impressed asks \"Hey buddy did you have a long day?\" The man replies that he just found out that his brother was gay and leaves. The next day the same guy comes in and orders ten shots. The bartender asks if he is still dealing with his brothers sexual orientation and the man replies \"No i just found out my son is gay too.\" The bartender is appropriatly sympathetic and the man leaves. The third night the man comes in and orders 25 shots and downs them all. Stunned the bartender asks \"Damn man doesn't anyone in your family likes women?\" The man forcefully replies \"Well apparently my wife does!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl, and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her.She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, \"I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?\"He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish but from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, \"What is her name?\"He answers, \"Monica Lewinsky.\"There is a pause, then his mother asks, \"What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, \"Help, Help me!\", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, \"Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps and one of the aliens addressed it. \"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.\" The gas pumps of course didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun and said impatiently, \"Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I'll fire!\" The other alien shouted to his comrade, \"No, you don't want to make him mad!\" But before he finished his warning the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, \"What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?\" The other alien answered, \"If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a pecker he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A farmer had three very beautiful daughters. One friday they all had dates, as they do every friday. Well the very protective farmer was sitting in the living room watching television that friday when the doorbell rang. He opened the door to see a man which was clearly one of the girls dates. Well the man says \"My name's Sam and im here for Pam and we're going to go jam\". So the father okays everything and calls his daughter down. the couple leaves. Ten minutes later the doorbell rings and there is another man. He says \"My name's Freddy and im here for betty and we're going to go eat some spaghetti\". Once again the farmer okays everything and they go along on their merry way. Ten minutes later the door belll rings again and the farmer opens the door.The Farmer says you must be here for Cindy. The man at the door says \"Yes actually, my name's Chuck and were going to go-\" The farmer shot him." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Old Age\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A guy was in a supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around. Whenever he stopped, she stopped, and she also kept staring at him. She finally overtook him just before the checkout where she turned to him and said: \"I hope I haven't made you feel uncomfortable - it's just that you look so much like my late son.\" \"Oh, that's ok,\" he said. \"I know it's silly,\" she continued, \"but if you called out 'Goodbye, Mother' as I leave, it would make me ever so happy.\" The old lady proceeded through the checkout and as she left the supermarket, the man called out \"Goodbye Mother.\" The old lady waved back, and kindly smiled. Pleased he had brought a bit of sunshine to someone's day the man went to pay for his groceries. \"That'll be 105 dollars 35,\" said the clerk. \"How come?\" inquired the man. \"I've only bought a few things!\" \"Yeah, but your mother said you'd pay for her...\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An American was backpacking across the highlands, when he came across a small village where he decided to spend the night.Upon entering the local pub that evening for some drinks with the locals, he found himself in a conversation with one particularly drunk and indignant individual.\"Ya see that fence out there?\" The old man asked the backpacker. \"I built that fence with me own hands. But ya think they call me MacGregor the fence builder? No!\"\"And that church out there. I hoisted the bell up to the top with me own hands. But ya think they call me MacGregor the church builder? No!\"And that bridge. I put it together stone by stone. But ya think they call me MacGregor the bridge builder? No!\"\"But ya screw one goat...\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, \"May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, \"I really don't think you should..\" \"Why not?\" the nun asked. \"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf.\" \"Nonsense,\" said the nun, \"I'll just look the other way.\" So, the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, \"Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?\" \"Well, now they know you're one of us,\" said the bartender, \"Would you like a drink?\" \"But, I still don't understand,\" said the puzzled nun. \"You see,\" laughed the bartender, \"every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man walks along a lonely beach. suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG!He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG!So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says: OPEN !Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO !Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino. The deep voice says: ROULETTE !So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice says: 27 !He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stops at the 26.The deep voice says: Damn." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "God called down to Adam, \"My child, I have noticed you are lonely down there, so I want you to meet someone. Come and see, I call her woman, her name is Eve...\"Adam came to see her, he then returned to speak with God, hardly able to contain his excitement,\"Oh, father, she is so beautiful, her shining blonde hair, and those gorgeous eyes! Why did you make her so beautiful?\"God answered, \"So that you would love her my son. But check out the smell of that shining blonde hair....\"Adam leaves and later returns to speak with God, \"Oh my Lord, she smells like the flowers in the garden of Eden in the sunshine just after the rain. Why did you make her smell so good God?\" he answered....and again God answered him,.\"So that you would love her my son....she will keep you company when you feel like you need a friend. Go forth and enjoy her my son, see how much fun you can have together\"Hours later, Adam returns, completely shagged out,\"Father, she has many great qualities, the sex was great,she can please me greatly physically, I enjoyed that immensely, but Father, why is she so dumb?\" to which God replied, \"So that she would love you my son\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, \"George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?\" George replied, \"God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!)the light goes off when I'm done.\" \"Wow,\" commented Dr. Smith, \"that's incredible!\" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. \"Thelma,\" he said,\" George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?\" Thelma exclaimed, \"That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas. Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash. Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40 a woman is like Italy. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary. Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future. After 70, they become like Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there. THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN Between 13 and 80 a man is like the US - ruled by a dick." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man goes to the doctor and says, \"Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?\"\"I think that is a wise decision,\" the doctor replies. \"Let's see, do you smoke?\"\"Oh.. Half a pack a day.\"\"Starting NOW, no more smoking.\" The man agrees.The doctor then asks, \"Do you drink?\"\"Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while.\"\"Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions.\"The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.The doctor asks, \"How do you eat?\"\"Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff.\"\"Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese.\"The man is now really worried. \"Doc, is all this really necessary?\"\"Do you want to live long?\"\"Yes.\"\"Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet.\" The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, \"Do you have sex?\"\"Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!\" he adds hurriedly.\"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None.\"The man is appalled. \"Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?\"\"I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, \"Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry.\"\"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.\"\"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 a.m. The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies,\"How am I supposed to know? We're 200 miles inland!\"and hangs up. Her husband rolls over and asks,\"Sweetheart, who was that?\" \"I don't know,some idiot asking if the coast is clear.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Aviation\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There was a guy walking down the street in San Fransisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. *POOF* A genie popped out of his pocket!!! \tThe very angry looking Genie said, ''Alright, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!'' \tThe suprised man said, ''OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii.'' \tThe genie replied with a smirk, ''Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just can't happen.'' \tThe man said, ''Fine then, I want to understand women.'' \tThe genie said, '' Would you like two lanes or four?''" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.The results showed a reading of 0.0.The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, \"Tonight I'm the designated decoy.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Three men were lost in the forest and later captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest with the cannibals and get 10 pieces of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather some. The first man came back and said to the king, \"I brought ten apples.\" The king then explained the second step of the trial to him. First, he had to shove the fruits up his butt without any expression on his face, or he would be eaten. The first apple went in, but when he tried the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven. The second man arrived and showed the king that his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to the second man, he secretly thought to it would be easy to shove the berries up his butt. On the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, so he was also was killed and went to heaven. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, \"Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!\" The second one replied, \"I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doin' just great when all of a sudden the third guy showed up with all those watermelons!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The World's Shortest Books--------------------------- \"My Plan To Find The Real Killers\" by O.J. Simpson - The Difference between Reality and Dilbert - Human Rights Advances in China - \"Things I Wouldn't Do for Money\" by Dennis Rodman - Al Gore: The Wild Years - Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean - America's Most Popular Lawyers - Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors - Detroit - A Travel Guide - Different Ways to Spell \"Bob\" - Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches - Easy UNIX - Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance - Everything Men Know About Women - Everything Women Know About Men - French Hospitality - \"The Book of Virtues\" by Bill Clinton - George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names - \"How to Sustain a Musical Career\" by Art Garfunkel - Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette - \"One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes\" by the EPA - Staple Your Way to Success The Amish Phone Directory - The Engineer's Guide to Fashion" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A wee guy was sitting at a bar staring at his drink for ages. Suddenly, a big biker came along, snatched his glass, guzzled down the contents and laughed, \"Hah! So what you gonna do about that, little man?\" \"Nothing,\" sighed the little guy despondently. \"You see, today has been the worst day of my life. This morning I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss was furious and so he sacked me. I cleared my desk, went to my car, only to discover that it wasn't there - somebody had stolen it. So I got a taxi home, but when it came to paying the driver I realised I'd forgotten my wallet. I then went into my house and I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I left home and came to this bar. And just when I was thinking about ending it all, you came along and drank my poison...\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Aviation\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "After my plane landed I proceeded to the airport baggage area. To my dismay there was no sign of my bags. I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. \"Not to worry,\" she smiled as she took a description of my bags. \" Your luggage is in good hands. We're trained professionals.\" \"Now,\" she asked, \"has your plane arrived yet?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One day, at a New York Restaurant, a man suddenly called out, \"My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!\"A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.\"Thank you! Thank you!\" the father cried. \"Are you a paramedic?\"\"No,\" replied the man. \"I work for the IRS.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The phone rings at FBI headquarters. \"Hello?\" \"Hello, is this FBI?\" \"Yes. What do you want?\" \"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood.\" \"This will be noted.\" Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave. The phone rings at Tom's house. \"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?\" \"Yeah!\" \"Did they chop your firewood?\" \"Yeah they did.\" \"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk. \"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,\" one says, \"but we have no one to go to with our own problems.\" \"Since we're all professionals,\" another suggests, \"why don't we hear each other out right now?\"They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, \"I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can.\" The second admits, \"I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.\" The third psychiatrist says, \"I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seenmany books on the subject, and finally, aftergetting all the necessary \"tools\" together, she made for the nearest frozen body of water.After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, \"THEREARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!\" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice,poured a Thermos of cappuccino. And began to cutyet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, \"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!\" The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down tothe opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more. \"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!\" She stopped, looked skyward,and said, \"Is that you, Lord?\" The voice replied, \"No...this is the manager of the hockey rink...\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the stillshaking driver said, \"I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.\" The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn'trealize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, \"No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two foreign nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, \"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.\" \"Odd,\" her companion replies, \"but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.\" Nodding emphatically, the Mother Superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. \"Two dogs, please,\" she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their \"dogs.\" The Mother Superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, \"What part did you get?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Bob was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, \"That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.\" After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Bob. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, \"That was a big mistake, Bob. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or I have sex with you.\" Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob. Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, \"Admit it Bob, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Jeff and Mike were killed in an accident and as Jeff arrives at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter. \"Where's my friend Mike?\"...Jeff asks the old Saint. St. Peter replies...\"Mike wasn't as fortunate as you, instead of Heaven, he went in the other direction.\" Jeff was deeply concerned by this and asks... \"well could I see Mike just one more time?\" St. Peter agreed to this, so they walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. Jeff notices Mike with a sexy blonde on one side of him and a keg of beer on the other. \"I really don't mean to complain\"...Jeff says... \"but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down in Hell.\" \"Look a little closer\"...says St. Peter...\"for that keg has a hole in it, the blonde doesn't.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Aviation\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an aeroplane. The next day, he phoned his father to tell him the news.\"So, did you jump?\" the father asked.\"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the 'plane, and the Sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the 'plane!\"\"Is that when you jumped?\" asked the father.\"Um, not yet. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door.\"\"Did you jump then?\" asked the father.\"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the 'plane. I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the 'plane or he'd kick my arse.\"\"So, did you jump?\"\"Not then. He tried to push me out of the 'plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 17 stone. He said to me, 'Boy, are you going to jump or not?' I said, 'No, Sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zip and exposed himself. He said, Boy, either you jump out of that door, or you and i are going to have some wild time\". \"So, did you jump?\" asked the father. \"Well, a little, at first.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. \"I'm as sober as you are, your honor,\" the man claimed. The judge replied, \"Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Office Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York. The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy. \"I'll only marry you under three conditions.\" \"Anything, anything,\" said the ambassador. \"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement.\" Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, \"Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!\" The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation. \"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France.\" The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, \"Yes, yes, I build, I build!\" The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to. \"Finally,\" she said. \"I'll only marry you if you have a 10 inch member.\" A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, \"Ok, ok, I''' cut half of it off!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.Lady 1: What's that?Lady 2: A condom.Lady 1: Where'd you get it?Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.The next day, the first lady hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a package of condoms.The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s), but politely asked what brand she preferred.\"Doesn't matter,\" she replied, \"as long as it fits a Camel.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning.” I’m not getting out of bed at this time,\" he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.\"Hi there,\" slurs the stranger, \"Can you give me a push?\" \"No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed,\" says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, \"That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?\"\"But the guy was drunk,\" says the husband.\"It doesn't matter,\" says the wife.” He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.\" So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, He shouts, \"Hey, do you still want a push?\"And he hears a voice cry out, \"Yeah, please.\"So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, \"Where are you?\" The drunk replies, \"Over here, on the swing.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orderes a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says \"You're not from round here are ya?\" \"No\" replied the man, \"I'm from Pensylvania.\" The bartender looks at him and syas \"Well what do you do in Pensylvania?\" \"I'm a taxidermist.\" said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked \"What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?\" The man looked at the bar tender and said \"Well, I mount dead animals.\" The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar which is staring at him \"It's okay, boys! He's one of us!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Ethnic Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A guy goes into a store and says to the clerk, \"I\"d like some Polish Sausage.\" The clerk looks at him and says \"Are you Polish?\" The guy says \"Well, yes I am. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian, or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German?? If I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican?\" The clerk says \"Well, no.\" The guy says \"Then, why do you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage??\" The clerk says \"Because this is a hardware store.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What to do when your dinner is interrupted:- Ask them if they've got beer- Start speaking in tongues- Tell them that person doesn't live there anymore. Give them the number of an adult service and tell them that it is her/his new number- Tell them that you're not there right now- Ask them if they accept coupons- Start selling them something else- If someone calls soliciting donations, tell them you're poor and ask for money instead- Start preaching your religion to them- Pretend you're a recording and say \"The number you have reached is not in service. Please check the number and dial again, or talk to your operator for assistance. Recording A4.\" Extra points for imitating the 3 rising tones at the beginning.- Try to hypnotise the telemarketer- Play a recording of a busy signal- Put on some really annoying music and put the phone up to the stereo.- Ask the telemarketer if he/she is single. Then try hitting on him/her. Be sure to mention your various medical problems, your fascination with odd smells and your shrine to the Lawrence Welk Show.- Use one of those voice changers to disguise your voice- Rap all your replies to the telemarketer's questions, especially if you're white.- Ask the TM if he/she minds if you talk to him/her on the toilet. Then take a plastic Heinz ketchup bottle and squeeze out ketchup repeatedly (if you're ever used this kind of ketchup you'll know what kind of sound this makes!!!!!)- Speak in ragga chant- Try to rhyme with everything the telemarketer says- Tell the TM that the person he/she is trying to reach is a victim of black magic and has been turned into a poodle.- Tell the TM that the person s/he is trying to reach has passed on, and that you're the ghost of him/her.- Sell them on the \"value of high colonics\". Explain your \"dedication to good health\" in your most convincing, passionate voice." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him. The man said, \"Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?\" The bartender quickly replied, \"The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line. If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Here are some comback answers:------------------------------You haven't asked yet. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life. Because I just love hearing this question. Just lucky, I guess. It gives my mother something to live for. My fiancée is awaiting his/her parole. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon? I'm waiting until I get to be your age. It didn't seem worth a blood test. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund. They just opened a great singles bar on my block. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads? I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck. Why aren't you thin? I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation. Bonus reply for Single Mothers: Because having a husband and a child would be redundant" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied \"I don't know, it all happened so fast.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Military\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune.... \"One US soldier is better than ten Taliban\" The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes then ssilence. The voice then call out..... \"One US soldier is better than one hundred Taliban\" Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune, and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The voice calls out again.... \"One US soldier is better than one thousand Taliban\". The enraged Taliban commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander..... \"Don't send any more men....it's a trap....there's two of them!\"..." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Dear Dad,$chool i$ really great. I've made lot$ of friend$ and am $tudying hard. With all my $tuff i $imply can't think of anything i need, $o if you would like you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.Love, your $on.Reply from Dad..Dear Son,I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study hard eNOughLove, Dad." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"School\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday, and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Eachboy just shrugged and went to the two different parts of the building.As each sat down, they read the first question.\"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom.\"At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease.Then, the test continued.\"For 95 points, tell me which tire it was\"..." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, \"You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic.\" The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent? The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, \"You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A curious eleven year old boy asked his mother, \"is God male or female?\" She hesitates for a brief moment, and responds, \"God is both male and female.\" Still curious, he asked...\"is God black or white?\" She responds along the same line...\"God's both black and white.\" Finally, the boy asks...\"is God gay or straight?\" His mother, now concerned, answered...\"honey, God's both gay and straight, why do you ask?\" The confused boy hesitates, then asks..\"mom isGod and Michael Jackson the same person?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Three men are sitting at a bar - a Texan, a Californian, and a Coloradoan. The Texan orders a bottle of tequila. When he gets it, he takes one sip, throws it up into the air and *BAM* he shoots it with his .22. Everyone drops to the floor. The bartender recovers first.\"What did you do that for?!\" he shouts, \"That was good tequila!\"The Texan replies, \"Where I come from, we have plenty of tequila and we can throw it away like that.\"The Californian, not to be out done, orders a bottle of fine wine. When he gets it, he takes one sip, throws it up into the air, and *BAM* he shoots it with his semiautomatic. Everyone drops to the floor. The bartender recovers first.\"What did you do that for?!? That was good wine!\" he hollers.The Californian replies, \"Where I come from, we have plenty of wine, and we can throw it away like that.\"The Coloradoan, who has watched all this with interest, orders a Coors. He opens the bottle and takes a sip. Then he takes another sip. And another. Soon he's finished the whole bottle. He's throws it up into the air and pulls out his handgun. Very carefully, he aims, fires, and *BAM* he shoots the Texan. *BAM* he shoots the Californian. Everyone drops to the floor. The bartender is now shaking with rage. \"What the **** did you do that for!?!\" he roars. \"Well,\" answers the Coloradoan, \"where I come from, we have PLENTY of Texans and Californians.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A very rich man had his pool filled with pirahnas. Later on that day he threw a party, and invited anyone who wanted to attend. He said he'll give any man $10,000 if he dares to swim from one end to the other. No one took the offer. \"Ok, i'll give any man $10,000 and a brand new car\". Still no one took the offer. \"I will give any man $10,000, a brand new car and any lady of their choice at this party\". At the end of the pool, a man jumps in and swims fast across to the other end. The rich man shakes the man's hand and asks, \"do you want the money?\" \"No\" \"Do you want the car?\" \"No\" \"Then you want the lady of your choice?\" \"No\" \"Then what is it that you want???\" I want the little b**ch that pushed me in!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"State Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, \"Some idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce.\" As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, \"And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.\" The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, \"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here.\" \"Where are you from, son?\" \"Texas, sir,\" the boy replied. \"Well, why did you leave Texas?\" the manager asked. The boy said, \"Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and football players down there.\" \"Really?\" said the manager. \"My wife is from Texas.\" \"No kidding??\" replied the boy. \"Who'd she play for?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, \"Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!\"That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!He went home and told his wife, Mary, \"I won the prize for the best toast of the night.\"She said, \"Aye, what was your toast?\"John said, \"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in Church beside me wife.\"\"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!\" Mary said.The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, \"John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary.\"She said, \"Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know,he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There where three nuns who never did anything wrong. One day the high priest came to them and told them that in order to become better nuns they had to do something bad and then drink from the holy water. So the three nuns went out that same day and did something wrong. The first nun came and the high priest asked her what she did wrong. \" I took a lollipop from a little kid.\" So he let her drink from the holy water. Then the second one came back and the high priest asked her what she did wrong, she said \" I took a balloon from a little kid.\" So he let her drink from the holy water. Then came the third. \"What did you do wrong?\" asked the high priest. \" Well\", she said,\" I peed in the holy water.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. \"Well, kid,\" says the genie. \"You know how it works. You have three wishes.\" \"I'm not falling for this.\" Says the man. \"I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor.\" \"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!\" The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. \"O K, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink.\" ***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. \"OK, kid, what's your second wish.\" \"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.\" ***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. \"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!\" After thinking for a few minutes, the man says \"I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me.\" ***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon. The moral of the story... If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting at a café, the little old man says, \"Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind.\" \"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear,\" replies the little old lady with a grin. \"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind.\" The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour. Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, \"I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!\" The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner. He says, \"Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?\" The pensioner replies, \"Son, 50 years ago, that goddamn fence wasn't electrified.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain. As it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him. As a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had sex. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and she asked how the party was. He said, \"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.\" Then she asked, \"Did you dance much?\" He replied, \"I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a really good time!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, \"Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?\"She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, \"NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!\" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, \"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.\"To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, \"What do you mean $200?!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Britney Spears had just bought her new car and decided to go shopping with her friend and rival, Christina Aguilera. A few hours later she came out and realizes she had locked her keys in the car, so they spent a few hours pacing around the car trying to figure out what to do. Finally, Britney looked off into the distance and saw storm cloud. She turned to her friend and said,\" Quick, think of something because a storm is coming and I left the top open!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Military\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An officer is sent to a new base and he meets with one of the soldiers. He says \"everything is alright around here but what's up with the camel?\". The soldier replies \"well the soldiers are lonely and sometimes they get uh...urges\". The Officer is disgusted but thinking it over he replies \"I guess it makes sense, keep it\".A couple of weeks later the officer calls in the soldier and says \"I'm getting restless, send in the camel\". The soldier comes into his tent with the camel and leaves. After the Officer is done with his business and zips up, the soldier walks in and asks \"what were you just doing?\", and the officer replies \"well isn't this how you 'ride' one of these?\". The soldier says \"Well, usually me and the guys ride the camel into town and get some chicks.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There's an English man, Irish man and a Scotsman. They're being chased by a policeman. They see this old warehouse so they run in. Inside there are 3 empty sacks on the floor. They each jump in a sack. In comes the copper and see's these three bundles on the floor. Goes up to the first one and kicks it. The English man shout out, \"Woof Woof\", and the copper thinking it's just an old dog leaves it and kicks the second sack. The Scotsman yells out, \"Me-ow me-ow\", he leaves this one as well thinking its just an old cat. He walks over to the last sack and kicks it, and the Irish man yells out.. \"Potatoes Potatoes..!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says, \"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and is silent.\" The doctor says, \"I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week\". The next week the lady returns. \"Doctor,\" she says, \"I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly\". \"Good,\" the doctor said. \"Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.\"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?\" asks an accountant. \"Watch and you'll see,\" answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, \"Ticket, please.\" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. \"How are you going to travel without a ticket?\" asked one perplexed accountant.\"Watch and you'll see,\" answered an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, \"Ticket, please.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. \"Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?\" \"Sure. Do you know the bulls only impregnate the cows once a year?\" \"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?\" \"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?\" \"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?\" \"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your breasts twice a day, but only made love to you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Food Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man goes into a restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order. \"I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak,\" he says. \"But sir, what about the mad cow?!\" asks the waiter. \"Oh,\" answers the man, \"she'll order for herself.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A nice young man wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new sweetheart. As they had not been dating very long, after some careful consideration, he decided that a pair of elegant winter gloves would strike just the right note - romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to a fine department store and chose a pair of lovely white fur-lined gloves. The sister did her own shopping, buying a pair of panties for herself. While the clerk was wrapping the items, she got the boxes mixed up, and gave the gloves to the sister and gift-wrapped the panties for the young man. The young man sealed the package without noticing and sent it to his sweetheart, who opened it on Christmas to find his enclosed note: I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she demonstrated the short ones she wears that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from Showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked very sharp. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love. (P.S... The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, \"Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!\" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, \"Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!\" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up and the rabbit again says, \"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!\" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the hell out of the rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, \"Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!\" The lion answers, \"That little fruitcake! He makes me run around the forest like an idiot each time he's on ecstasy!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two beautiful statues in a park, facing each other across the grass, one of a young girl and the other of a young man, looking towards each other like young lovers. These statues gave so much pleasure to people visiting the park that God looked down and decided to reward them with life for 30 minutes, on a Sunday when the park was closed to the public. Immediately when they came alive, they ran together into the bushes and could be heard giggling and cooing with pleasure and the bushes were shaking. After 15 minutes they came out and realised that they still had 15 minutes more life to live. \"What shall we do now then\" said the boy statue. \"Let's do the same thing again\" she replied. \"Okay\", said the boy statue, \"but this time, you hold the pigeons down while I poop on them\"." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, \"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.\" The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. \"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.\" Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, \"All right buddy, what's your name?\" \"Sam,\" the man moaned. \"Where ya from, Sam?\" With pain in his voice Sam replied... \"The balcony.\"Send this joke" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Dear Santa,I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yer.Yer Frend,BiLLy Dear Billy,Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawn carespecialist. How 'bout I send you a damn book so you can learn to read andwrite? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!Santa******Dear Santa,I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drumkit, pony, and a tuba.Love,Francis Dear Francis,Who names their kid 'Francis' nowadays? What a wussie name.Santa******* Dear Santa,I really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE TimmyTimmy,That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again.Santa*******Dearest Santa,We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get in to our home?Love,MarkyMark,First, stop calling yourself 'Marky.' That's why you're getting your butt whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams!Santa******Dear Santa,I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots foryour reindeer outside the backdoor.Love,SusanDear Susan,Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the reindeer fart in my face. You want to be a weasel? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal.Santa******Dear Santa,I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please,I really, really want a fire truck this year.Love,JoeyDear Joey,Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.Santa" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, \"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.\"\"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,\" Mike replies. \"There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor.\"So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.The computer prints the following:1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Heaven is when you have:* An American salary.* A british home.* Chinese food.* A Swiss economy.* An Italian body.* A Japanese technology.* An African tool.* An Indian wife.Hell is when you have:* An American wife.* A british body.* A chinese tool.* Swiss food.* An Italian technology.* A Japanese home.* An african economy.* An Indian salary." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Mrs. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell her that her husband's been in a terrible automobile accident. She rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says her husband's been in an accident. They tell her Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out into the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mrs. Jones. \"Mrs. Jones?\" the doctor asks. \"Yes, doctor, what's happened? How is my husband?\" The doctor sits next to her and says, \"Not good news, I'm afraid. Your husband's accident resulted in two fractures of his spine.\" \"Oh my God!\" says Mrs. Jones, \"What is the prognosis?\" \"Well, Mrs. Jones, the good news is his vital signs are stable. However, his spine is inoperable. He'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed him.\" Mrs. Jones begins to sob... \"And you'll have to turn him in his bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia.\" Mrs. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly... \"Then, of course,\" the doctor continued, \"you'll have to diaper him as he'll have no control over his bladder and, of course, these diapers must be changed at least five times a day.\" Mrs. Jones begins to shake as she cries, sobs, wails... The doctor continues: \"And you'll have to clean up his feces on a regular basis, as he'll have no control over his sphincters. His bowels will engorge whenever and quite often, I'm afraid. Of course, you must clean him immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent he'll be emitting regularly.\" Now Mrs. Jones is convulsing, sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then, Dr. Smith reaches out his hand, pats Mrs. Jones on the shoulder, and says, \"Hey, I'm just messin' with you. He's dead!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blind Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two girls were hired to clean a big house. The owners left for work and there was nobody home, so they decided to take their clothes off. They worked naked for a few hours, when they heard the door-bell. \"Who is it?\", one of the asked. \"It's a blind-man\", answered the man from outside. Since they realized he couldn't see them anyway, they decided to stay the way they were. They opened the door, and the man holding a box of drapery rods said: \"Hi, where do you want the blinds?\"..." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, ''I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you. She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'' ''Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'' She responds, ''Well, let's see what we can do about that: first, you have to be single and second, you must be Catholic.'' The cab driver is very excited and says, ''Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!'' The nun says ''OK, pull into the next alley.'' He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. ''My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?'' ''Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'' The nun says, ''That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.''" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blind Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, \"Who wrote this stuff?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An Irish-man finds a bottle in his garden, and when he rubs it, a genie comes out. \"You have three whishes\", the genie says. The Irish-man thinks for a little while, and then he says: \"i would like to have a bottle of the finest whisky in the world, and that no matter how much i drink from it, it will never empty\". Immediately after finishing his sentence, a bottle of great whisky falls into the irishman's hand. He starts drinking it, taking one big gulp after another. But then, after finishing drinking, he finds that the bottle is still completely full. \"Well, what are your next two wishes?\", asks the jiny. \"I would like two more bottles just like that one!\", answers the irish-man." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed. For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad. Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad. Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned. Exasperated, Peter says, \"Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!\" The man says, \"There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face\". \"Wow\", said Peter, \"That's impressive. When did this happen\"? \"Oh, about 10 minutes ago\", replied the man." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job. \"Okay,\" the sheriff drawled, \"Gomer, what is 1 and 1?\" \"11\" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, \"That's not what I meant, but he's right.\" \"What two days of the weekstart with the letter 'T'?\" \"Today and tomorrow.\" He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. \"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?\" Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, \"I don't know.\" \"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?\" So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. \"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: \"Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Military\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3. Aren't you that guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me...Good job! 5. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on COPS? 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop. 7. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. 8. Bad cop! No donut! 9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 10. Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a warning too! 11. Excuse me...is stick up hyphenated? 12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand. 13. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's? 14. I pay your salary! 15. So, uh, you on the take, or what? 16. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence. 17. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 18. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that's how far ahead of me they are. 19. What do you mean, \"Have I been drinking?\" You're the trained specialist. 20. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. 21. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 Magnum! 22. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice \" I'd like to try the bet\" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man \"what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?\" The man replied \"I work for the IRS.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, “Hey,why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?” The farmer says, “Some things you just can’texplain.” “So what happened that is so horrible?” the man asked. The farmer then decides to try an answer, “Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.” “That’s not so bad,what’s the big deal?” The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.” “So what happened?” the man asked again. The farmer relenting, continued, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.” “Again?” The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.” “So, what did you do then?” the man asked, intrigued. “I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.” “Wow, you must have been pretty upset!” but that’s no reason to just sit here getting all depressed.” The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.” “So then what else did you do?” the man asked again.“Well I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That’s when my pants fell down and my wife walked in…”" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Have you heard? The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"School\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. \"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!\" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, \"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?\" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, \"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Military\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Michael Jackson was on a cruise with 100 Boy Scouts when the ship hit an iceberg and started to sink. The captain announced, \"Everyone abandon ship! We're going down!\" Michael asked, \"What about the children?\" The captain replied, \"Screw the children!\" Michael looked around eagerly and asked, \"Do we have time?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? A: One is made of plastic and is a potential risk to children. The other carries groceries." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Michael Jackson was announced that he is the proud father of a baby boy. He asked his wife's doctor how soon after the birth could he have sex. The doctor told him he should wait until the kid is at least 12 or 13 years old." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, \"Is there a problem, Officer?\" \"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?\" John thought for a minute and said, \"Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license.\" Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, \"Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's a smartbutt when he's drunk and stoned.\" Brian from the back seat said, \"I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!!!\" At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, \"Are we over the border yet?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"School\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. The professor emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.A student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up, \"But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?\"As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. \"Well,\" he responded, \"I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A priest, gets a haircut in a Washington barbershop, he then asks how much he owes. \"No charge, Father\"... the barber said...\"I consider it a service to the Lord.\" The next morning, the barber finds two dozen small prayer booklets on his stoop. Two days later, a police officer comes in for a cut and asks...\"how much do I owe you?\" \"No charge, officer\"...the barber says...\"I consider it a service to my community.\" The next morning the barber finds a dozen doughnuts on his stoop. A few days later a Senator walks in for a haircut...\"how much do I owe you?\"...he asks. \"No charge\"...the barber replied..\"I consider it a service to my country.\" The next morning the barber arrives at his shop only tofind a dozen Senators waiting on his stoop!" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-Or-Treating Is Better Than Sex10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some. 6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are. 5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy. 4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door. 3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2) Less guilt the morning after. 1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, \"And what would you like for Christmas?\" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, \"Didn't you get my E-mail?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A very well endowed young lady went to the doctor for her annual check up. The doctor told her to remove her clothes and get up on the examining table. Shyly, she said to him, \"Oh doctor, I just couldn't undress in front of you.\" \"Ok. I'll turn off the lights for you, you undress, then tell me when you're ready,\" the doctor said. A few moments later, she called out, \"I've undressed, doctor. What shall I do with my clothes?\" \"Just place them on the chair, on top of mine.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A drunk walks into a bar, sits down and demands a drink. \"Get out\" says the bartender. \"I don't serve drunks here\". The drunk staggers out the front door, only to come back in through the side door. He sits at the bar, bangs his fist and demands a drink. \"I just told you to get out, didn't I? Now LEAVE!\". The drunk gets off his stool, stumbles out the side door and, comes back inside through the back door. Once again, he sits at the bar and loudly asks for a drink. The bartender, now glowing mad, looks at the drunk and yells \"I TOLD YOU, NO DRUNKS ALLOWED, NOW GET OUT!!!\". The drunk looks up at the bartender and slurs \"How many bars do you work at, anyway?\"." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A woman walks into a bank one day to deposit a large sum of money. She walks up to the guy at the counter and hands him a cheque of a million dollars. After noticing the cheque was for such a large amount, he tells her he has to go and get the bank manager. Soon, the bank manager appears and starts to process her cheque. \"How did you get so much money?\" \"Well\", she replies, \"I'm abit of gambler...\" \"Really?\" the manager replies astoundingly. \"Sure, like right now - I can bet you $10,000 that your nuts are square!\", the managers alittle taken back from what shes said. \"Ten grand that my nuts are square?\"\"Yup\"\"Done!\"\"Great, meet me in the car park in two minutes so I can see for myself\". Sure enough, two minutes later the manager walks out and sees her standing by her car with a guy in a suit.\"Ok, well this is my lawyer. Hes just here to make sure this is all legal and fair.\"\"Sure\"She then steps up in front of him, unzips his pants and gives his balls a good feel.\"You're right, they're not square!\"The manager smiles and looks over to the lawyer who starts banging his head on the car.Confused, the manager asks the woman,\"Whats with your lawyer?\"\"Oh, I bet him $50,000 I would have your nuts in my hand in 5 minutes.\"" } ]