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52aufp | 2 | Mary's Grandpa died. Mary's grandpa died of a heart attack and at his funeral she asks her grandma how that could happen. So grandma explains: "Mary, you are old enough now so I can tell you. Every sunday granpa and I would have sex. We always waited for the bell ringing of the church nearby. So when it started, your grandpa would lay on me and start. The bells would go ding, dong, ding, dong and grandpa would make love to me in the same tempo. In on the ding, out on the dong. So that's what we did last sunday and it would have been nice as always but then this stupid icecream truck drove down our street..." | null |
52atxh | 4 | The baby wasn't very good at transitioning out of breastfeeding. I guess you could say he sucked at tit | null |
52atue | 4 | Every time I have a big bowel movement I say thank you to my digestive system.. For putting up with my shit. | null |
52atpm | 24 | Why did the kid only water half the lawn?. Because there was a 50% chance of rain | null |
52asyu | 1 | As someone who grew up with the internet, I occasionally forget that things aren't always online.. At least everything else is though. | null |
52asw9 | 1 | For the first year of my time at college, I never had sex, all because of a stupid abstinence pledge I took for a bible study class.... ...the other three years, I was just unlucky. | null |
52ascp | 12 | Honey, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that the penguin pooped in the bathtub.. Wife: "But we don't *have* a penguin!"
Me: "And now for the good news...!" | null |
52as8r | 0 | What does a jewish prostitute gotta do when she gets to someone's house?. She gaza strip! | null |
52aruq | 1 | You might want to listen to that long Marvin Gaye song while stuck in that bad traffic today.. It's a Slow Jam. | null |
52arh4 | 0 | [Long] So there are two friends, Jack and Jill. They were born in a countryside and were best friends in their childhood. They used to go up the hill and get water every day to their house. One day Jack found out that he was a son of a noble landlord and inherited a fortune. He left the village and Jill for his estate. Jill felt sad and stopped going up the hill for water and instead chose to go to a lake nearby. Jack growing in the rich family turns into a douche and pretentious. One day he wanted to show his friend Jill that he was living well off without him. So he goes to Village invites Jill to come over to the city to visit him. So he shows Jill everything and taunts him how Jill cannot afford them. Later he goes to drop Jill in his Village. Jill then suggests they both should go to the well, just like their childhood. Jack agrees to that. They go to the well spend some time. After they start their journey back the well starts to speak. It says it was a wishing well all along and says it used to be happy every time they both used to come here and play. It says that wishing wells have a limit of wishes to give before they turn into a normal well. It offers the friends the last wish it has. Jack being a douche says to Jill "I may not come to this bloody village again. I'll take the wish and will ask an iPhone for you for contacting me as it will take you a lifetime to buy one for yourself". Jill gets hurt and as soon as Jack starts wishing Jill at the same time wishes "I hope Jack disappears" with tears in his eyes. Jill ends up with an iPhone7 | null |
52aqvv | 0 | What did the squirtle say to the charizard?. "Squirtle!" | null |
52aqfs | 132 | A horse walks into a bar and says, “On a right-angled triangle with sides X, Y and Z, if X and Z are perpendicular, which side is opposite the right angle?”. The bartender says, “Y, the long face.” | null |
52apzo | 3 | You know what would have made the Note 7 recall less disruptive?. Removable Batteries | null |
52apxx | 0 | My Uncle died. It's this time of the year again. I lost my uncle on 9/11. But at least he died during something he really enjoyed - flying airplanes. | null |
52aphx | 0 | When asked about Hillary's fall, Bill said not to worry. "...she's never gone down on me like that." | null |
52aog0 | 1 | What's the difference between Anton Scalia and Hillary Clinton?. No one knew Scalia's death was imminent.
(It's a reference to the HRC *health* status controversy-- not a threat, friends at Secret Service. Don't tase me bros!) | null |
52ao8p | 341 | A girl with no arms or legs was on a beach.... ...As a man walked pass her she started crying. The man asked, "Whats the matter, dear?" The girl replied with "I've never been hugged before." So the man hugs her and the girl starts crying again. The man asks "Whats wrong now?" The girl replies with "I've never been kissed before." So the man kisses her and the girl starts crying yet again. So the man asks, "Whats the matter now?" The girl replies with, "I've never been fucked before." So the man picks her up and throws her into the ocean and says "You're fucked now." | null |
52ao73 | 1 | I was at a cowboy fancy dress party and lost that wheel thing they have on their shoes.... It was okay, someone had a spur. | null |
52ao6a | 4 | Turns out I have colon cancer. I'm getting part of it removed tomorrow.. All I'll have left is a ; | null |
52anpq | 1 | Slow and steady wins the race. But what if it's a running race | null |
52an6q | 1 | When you realize the Cincinnati Bengals have to win.... for Harambe. | null |
52amr5 | 1 | We got one good thing out of the removal of the headphone jack in the iPhone 7.. Finally an end to selfie sticks! | null |
52ammg | 1 | A panda walks into a bar.. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action forthe night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex,the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house."You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up:"Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm apanda. Look it up." She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads,"Panda: Eats bush and leaves. | null |
52am0u | 0 | Which american city would never forget 911?. Detroit because if you forget it...you're dead. | null |
52alra | 1 | What is Alqaeda´s favourite fetish?. Blowing Twins.
(I actually made this up) | null |
52alnc | 32 | I have two kids, five and seven. Silly names I know. | null |
52al0k | 0 | What does mexican ISIS do when they run out of bombs?. They grab a fat guy and say: "AL AGUA JUAN!" | null |
52akj1 | 1698 | Is sex work?. A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC (Private First Class) who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them." | null |
52ajdf | 4 | How many politicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?. You hold the lightbulb and every politician screws you! | null |
52aj56 | 14 | The zookeeper said he'd tell me where the bathroom is located if I can say the alphabet.. "A B C E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z"
He asks: "where's the D?"
"It's out for Harambe" | null |
52ai5w | 25 | My friend fell into the gelatto machine.. Ice creamed in terror. | null |
52ahxm | 0 | What kind of bus does a bee take to school?. A school buzz | null |
52ahjx | 2 | A Man goes to the Doctor. Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Man: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."
| null |
52aftk | 0 | a lot of people seem to dislike hot air balloons. I don't see what all the hot air is about! | null |
52afmk | 0 | Did you hear about the guy who haggled with a prostitute for his pet deer?. He wanted to get the most bang for his buck. | null |
52afln | 1 | What happened to helium when the chemist made him laugh?. He He He | null |
52afkq | 0 | Want to hear a joke about helium?. He he he. | null |
52aefq | 3 | Is it okay to post Islam jokes?. Coz they really blow me away | null |
52adr0 | 20 | I had to divorce my wife when I went blind.. I just couldn't see myself with her anymore. | null |
52adi9 | 2 | the only dates i get. Are the system software updates to my xbox. Play station. PC. Phone... | null |
52accu | 18 | What Saudi funded event ended in a massive collapse on 9/11?. Hillary Clinton's campaign. | null |
52abnb | 1 | How did 1940's German Men pick up Jewish Girls. With a broom and a dustpan | null |
52ab04 | 180 | What do Hillary Clinton and the World Trade Center have in common?. Both collapsed on 9/11 after becoming overheated. | null |
52aaym | 1 | To make a boob joke all you need to do is use words that end in 'it'. Isn'tit? | null |
52aapw | 0 | Why did the baby cross the road?. It didn't hit the car's windshield. | null |
52aaiz | 2 | They say a BJ is better than a yank .. But I'm not a big baseball fan, so I wouldn't know | null |
52a9mp | 5 | What happens to a desert-dwellers main transportation when it has been parked in one spot for too long?. It gets Camel-Towed. | null |
52a915 | 0 | So a console gamer walks into a bar.... Then it renders | null |
52a7tw | 10 | After witnessing the second coming of Jesus.. My life has changed. I have decided not to watch Mexican Porn again. | null |
52a6ws | 521 | Why are the twin towers and genders so similar?. Because there used to be 2 of them, but it's offensive to joke about that now. | null |
52a6u9 | 23 | What do you call a 53 year old who has sex with a 9 year old?. 1.6 billion people call him Muhammad. | null |
52a6gp | 0 | Clinton didn't faint due to heat exhaustion.... ... she was just doing her steel beam impression. | null |
52a6cq | 0 | Today is the anniversary... Today is the 16th anniversary of the world's largest game of Jenga. | null |
52a51d | 0 | "Is there anybody here named Jeff?". Jeff: "Yes"
Geoff: "Yeos" | null |
52a2w6 | 1 | Height of misunderstanding... Wife not talking to husband and thinking she is punishing him. | null |
52a1ia | 0 | Guy asking his friend: "I'm looking for a second hand dishwasher, any address ?". friend: "meetic ?" | null |
52a1i4 | 31 | What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?. Stand back! I don't know how big it's going to get! | null |
52a145 | 1 | Whenever someone makes a premature blanket conclusion based on a single piece of information.... I automatically assume they're a complete idiot. | null |
52a0v9 | 10 | A woman is talking to her sexologist.. She complains that her husband is just not passionate anymore. The sexologist gives her a viagara and tells her to slip into her husband's glass of wine at dinner time and to come back to tell her how it went. Two weeks later the woman comes back looking a little frustrated. The sexologist asks her: you don't look so pleased. Was your husband not horny enough? The woman says: oh yes he was. Right in the middle of the meal he put down his pants, violently cleared the table and fucked me so hard I'm still sore. The sexologist asks her: so what's the problem? The woman says: well, we were kicked out and told never to go back to that restaurant again. | null |
52a0mj | 4 | A story about a business trip (that actually happened). Boss was driving with one of his employees to Germany.
The employee was from a smaller country, so he was really amazed by the German cities; they were so much bigger than the ones he visited in his country.
Later on, as they were driving down the high way, the employee was looking at the scenery and, from time to time, he noticed some road signs that had the word Ausfahrt(exit in German) written on them.
The employee was clearly impressed by what he's seen in Germany, and then, all exited, he turned to his boss and said:
"Germany sure has big cities, but this Ausfahrt city is really enormous!"
.
.
The boss had to stop the car because he was laughing so much. | null |
52a0i0 | 12 | I saw the chief of a New York City police on the news. I saw the chief of New York City police on the news, he said "We will never forget 9/11"
I said "Well I sure fuckin' hope not it's your phone number" | null |
52a0cy | 1 | What do the twin towers and genders have in common?. There used to be 2 and now its offensive to talk about. | null |
529zfq | 0 | Today I Learned.... Steve Biscotti bought a TIE fighter at 7-11. | null |
529z5b | 2 | What do you call a tall gay man?. Fruit by the foot. | null |
529yd3 | 0 | What's something a whore turns on the street corner for money?. AN ILLUSION, IT'S an ILLUSION | null |
529xbd | 0 | I'm changing Blair Walsh's kick accuracy to -1. Because he missed the 0 wide left. | null |
529x21 | 0 | Knock knock?. Who's there?
9/11.
>
9/11 who?
You said you'd never forget! | null |
529x1y | 0 | 15 years on and not much has changed since 9/11.... ...Saudi funded collapses are STILL happening in NYC.
EDIT: Don't worry, Hillary is fine. | null |
529x07 | 5 | When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois.. When I was twelve, I found them. | null |
529wyt | 30 | What's AlQaeda's favorite football team?. The New York Jets | null |
529vz5 | 0 | I don't know about you but where I am the Bees are acting like Starks.... Freaking out that winter is coming and dying left and right. | null |
529vmd | 1 | Wise man say.... Man who passes gas in church sits in own pew. | null |
529v9o | 22 | I got mugged yesterday.... The mugger said, “Give me your money or you’re science.”
I said, “Don’t you mean history?”
He said, “Don’t try and change the subject.”
| null |
529v8r | 39 | Why Was Jill upest about the new iphone?. because there was no jack. | null |
529udv | 0 | I don't know why my friends tell me that my jokes are bad.... *That's what she said!!!* | null |
529u05 | 1 | I often confuse Americans and Canadians.. By using long words.
Gary Delany at the Edinburgh Fringe.
Link to other top jokes from there in /r/firstcircle | null |
529t3g | 1 | CGPA available for adoption... … can’t raise it myself | null |
529sue | 36 | How to fall down the stairs:. Step 1
Step 2
Step 4
Step 7
Step 11 | null |
529rz7 | 0 | The candidates are tied in polls.... ... And it's a shame. It would be so much better if they were tied to poles. | null |
529rfx | 0 | I used to be really into nostalgia.... ...man they were the good old times. | null |
529r5m | 6 | I was paper-thin as a kid..
So I got ripped. | null |
529qsd | 0 | Here's a joke you've never heard before. Jokes on you, there are no original jokes on r/jokes | null |
529qh4 | 45 | Someone complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice. | null |
529q8n | 0 | TIL A ball of glass will bounce higher than a ball of rubber. A ball of solid steel will bounce higher than one made entirely of glass.. Oops, unoriginal post. | null |
529q89 | 88 | Why can’t atheists solve exponential problems?. Because they don’t believe in higher powers. | null |
529pta | 0 | What American presidential candidate do Mexicans support?. Surprisingly, it's someone named Eerily Cleantone. | null |
529pn6 | 0 | A is for Apple, B is for Bait, C is for Car. D is for Harambe. | null |
529ohw | 59 | Roses are red.... Violets are violet,
That guy who hit that skyscraper was a really bad pilot. | null |
529o9h | 2 | Don’t sleep with politicians..
They have aides. | null |
529niz | 7 | Did you know 94% of Fords are still on the road?. The other 6% made it home. | null |
529mzm | 159 | Finding girls is like playing blackjack.. I always try to go for 21 but end up hitting on 14. | null |
529mlu | 2 | I got a solid gold straw for my birthday.. Honestly, it sucks. | null |
529m7i | 1 | Why couldn't Cain make offerings to God as well as his brother?. Because he just wasn't Abel. | null |
529ltd | 0 | A monkey was arrested today for throwing feces at zoo employees. 3 employees were rushed to the hospital for turd degree burns | null |
529lsq | 8 | What do you call someone who went into a birth clinic and started shooting at everyone there?. Spawn camper. | null |
529lph | 21109 | I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.. Nobody expects the Spanish in position. | null |
529lfb | 6 | People of USA are fed up of the current Presidential candidates and decided to hold a mass boycott. As Americans hated all the candidates so much, that no one voted. The government is in a panic, trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be. Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea: A literal presidential race.
The three candidates would run a lap around the white house, and the best time would become president. Bernie Sanders goes first, but being as old as he is, he takes 24 minutes. Trump goes next and posts a time of 14 minutes 24 seconds. Hillary Clinton goes last, running as fast as she can in an effort to beat Trumps time. She finally crosses the finish line in just under 10 minutes. "Aha, that must be some kind of record!" she exclaims.
"I don't think so," says Obama, "Bush did 9:11" | null |
529kr0 | 61 | If attacked by a mob of clowns.... Go for the juggler. | null |
529knl | 1 | A French man is crying into his beer.... ... Telling the bartender about the one who got away. "She was a beautiful Japanese woman, with eyes like the stars and hips round as the moon. We spent a night of passion together, taught each other some of our respective languages, and then parted with bittersweet tears in our eyes the next morning. Oddly, once we parted I found that my kneecap began to itch. Now I hunt the world over to find her again, to relieve the pain in my heart and the itch in my knee."
Heaving a sigh, he moaned, "Itchy knee, sans she...." | null |
529kkv | 6 | I got pretty sick last week, and then a centaur showed up!. He said he was the Centaur for Disease Control. | null |
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