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52crh6 | 0 | The revolution will not be televised.. It will be streaming on netflix this summer | null |
52cpq7 | 5 | did you hear about what happened to Nike online shop. It shut down by a d-dos | null |
52cp3r | 9 | Why was Heisenberg's wife unhappy?. Whenever he had the energy, he didn't have the time. | null |
52co6c | 2 | Did you hear Kim Jong Un banned sarcasm?. Woops, thought this was r/News | null |
52cmj8 | 689 | A frog walks into a bank.... ...and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
"I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." | null |
52cmf5 | 3 | Massive fall on Wall St today.... Nope, wait, just Hillary fainting. | null |
52cl6v | 0 | How do I invest in the Umbrella Corporation?. Because either Project Hillary or Project Donald will become a success. | null |
52ckz9 | 0 | If you ever get lost in the car, turn the AC down.. Its easy to get around with a low-cool. | null |
52ckir | 5 | Man, I really hate all these low level Pokemon.... They're always breaking my balls. | null |
52ckeb | 1572 | A pregnant woman goes into a coma. A pregnant woman goes into a coma moments after she gives birth to twins, one boy and one girl.
When she finally wakes up several days later, she cries out frantically to see her children.
The doctors come to her, and the first thing she asks is "How are my children?"
"Fine" says the doctor, "your brother named them".
She thinks to herself, "Oh no!" "My brother's an idiot" and she asks the doctor "What did he name them?"
The doctor says "He named the girl Denise"
And she thinks, “Well, maybe I misjudged my brother... Denise isn't such a bad name"
What did he name the boy?"
Replies the doctor "De nephew."
| null |
52ck11 | 8 | What do you call the boyfriend of a beheaded prositute?. The headless whore's man | null |
52cis9 | 3 | Forget it :P. The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug.
"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Doug suggested.
"But what if my wife finds out?"
"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!"
So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together." "Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that - it never worked." | null |
52ciql | 1 | I went to an 'Army Style training day'.... I don't feel any fitter but my boots and bed look immaculate. | null |
52cipw | 0 | How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a light bulb?. You weren't there, man! | null |
52cihl | 2 | I heard.... ...terrorists are shouting "allahu akbar!" just out of habit while plugging their Samsung phones. | null |
52cicc | 0 | Knock Knock. Who's there?
9/11
9/11 who?
9/11, I thought you said you'd never forget? | null |
52ci3u | 22 | A Family Walks Into A Hotel.... The Father walks up to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled"
The man at the desk replies "no, it's just regular porn you sick cunt" | null |
52ches | 4 | Why did Patrick Stewart shave his head?. So he could badly go where no man has gone before. | null |
52cgxs | 2 | I have a serious problem where I keep letting go of things when I hold them. It's really getting out of hand. | null |
52cgpz | 0 | My ex talked me into marriage. I mean, she was my girlfriend before she became my wife | null |
52cgks | 4 | I've been stung. Screamed the woman as she ran into the pro shop.
"Where were you stung?" asked the concerned pro.
"Between the first and the second hole" gasped the woman breathlessly.
"Well" said the pro "then your stance may be a little too wide." | null |
52cgfw | 0 | Why did the pirate captain suddenly die?. He had an an*yarr*ysm. | null |
52cfo6 | 1 | Did you hear about the arm that tells jokes?. They're actually quite humerus | null |
52cf74 | 61 | 3 guys are on a boat and they have 4 cigarettes but no lighters or matches or anything to light it with.What do they do?. They throw one cigarette over board and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter. | null |
52cezz | 4 | I think my bank is trying to get me to become a gymnast.. They keep sending me letters about my outstanding balance. | null |
52cczb | 0 | Why did you hit your little sister?. Dad: Shame on you, Peter. Why did you hit your little sister? Peter: Well, Daddy, we were playing Adam and Eve with the apple and all. Well, instead of tempting me with that apple, she ate the thing herself! | null |
52cctl | 0 | Anniversary. "Knock* Knock*"
:Who's there?
"9/11"
:9/11 who?
"You said you'd never forget!" | null |
52cblh | 0 | A knight goes to a blacksmith shop. to get his armor repaired after a battle.
The blacksmith asks "What dy'a need, sir?"
"I have a nasty chink in my armor."
The blacksmith says "Well, ye' better get him out." | null |
52c8ob | 0 | " Could the cereal your children eat every morning be killing them? Tonite at 11 on abcnews56 we will tell you". " After several studies , no. " | null |
52c8ms | 5 | Why is it illegal to commit suicide?. You aren't allowed to damage the government's property. | null |
52c8mj | 41 | What is crucial to any joke about ISIS?. The execution | null |
52c70a | 3 | Did you ever blow bubbles as a kid?. Well, he's back in town and wants your number | null |
52c6z2 | 5 | Why was the army recruiter in the nursery?. To find more people for the infantry!
I'm sorry. | null |
52c6i2 | 0 | Why was the cookie monster arrested for computer hacking???. He was in possession of all the "COOKIES" | null |
52c5ng | 166 | A blonde and a redhead watch the news.... A blonde woman and a redhead woman went to lunch. They had
to wait for their table so they sat in the bar and had a drink. The
TV was on and they noticed the news was showing a man on a
rooftop threatening to jump. The redhead told the blonde "I
bet you 50 bucks he jumps." The blonde replied "You're on."
Sure enough the man jumped, so the blonde starts to dig out her
money.
The redhead felt kind of bad so she said "That's okay, I
cheated. I saw this on the 10 o'clock news last night." The
blonde turned to her and said "Well so did I, but I didn't think
he would jump twice in a row!" | null |
52c5eu | 0 | Dude I'm Colin Kapernick and I'm black.. Dude you're not even brown. You look like Matthew Perry.
-Harold and Kumar | null |
52c4xs | 0 | What did the tiger say to the leopard at the poker game?. You better not be a cheetah | null |
52c4n5 | 0 | My brave uncle died on September 11, 2001. He was the best pilot in all of Saudi Arabia | null |
52c43f | 182 | Dad cooks venison and doesn't tell the kids what it is. He gives them one hint:
"It's what your mother calls me"
The boy yells:
"It's a FUCKING DICK! Don't eat it!" | null |
52c35a | 3 | What is Jim Morrison's favorite time?. Five to one. | null |
52c2zl | 34 | How many ants does it take to fill an apartment?. Tenants. | null |
52c2ub | 16 | They ran out of bread at the Indian restaurant, but it turned out nobody cared.. It was a naan issue. | null |
52c0xx | 35 | What do you call a bull masturbating?. Beef stroganoff | null |
52byyu | 9 | The Online Biology Class. I almost got expelled in an Online Biology crash course earlier. They asked me what the major constituent of cells are.
Turns out, "black people" is NOT a good answer. | null |
52bv87 | 6 | when fruit talks. Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.
Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.
Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.
Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?
| null |
52btzb | 1 | Hillary Clinton is sick according to doctors.... I pneu it all along. | null |
52btva | 6 | I have somewhere around 300 karma. I intend to drop it to 0 by having human-like opinions on the wrong subreddits | null |
52btlx | 1 | How does Tony Abbott connect to FaceTime. He looks at a clock | null |
52bssg | 8 | My vaccume cleaner sucks because it doesn't suck.... Unlike my other vaccume cleaner, which doesn't suck because it sucks.
(co-writing credit to smarties pants u/lord_of_the_realm) | null |
52bsmp | 7 | A blind man walks into a bar. and a table and a chair | null |
52brxd | 2 | What did Clinton tell the FBI?. "I did not have classified relations with that server!" | null |
52brlg | 2 | I know where you live. In a house | null |
52brfs | 1 | Finders, Keepers. I saw this cool mine selling shop in Iraq. | null |
52bqrx | 0 | The real reason Hillary Clinton stumbled. A tiny plane flew into her. | null |
52bo54 | 0 | Hillary Clinton collapsed at the 9/11 memorial today. Showing that she truly did not forget. | null |
52bmlk | 1 | There was a massive fight in the chip shop yesterday!. A fish got battered. | null |
52blui | 0 | Why did Patrick's girlfriend have to go to the doctor?. She had a weast infection. | null |
52bkwv | 0 | And they say jet fuel can't melt steel beams.... When Hillary will collapse from too much hot sauce | null |
52bkn0 | 7 | Yerr a unit of power Harry!. Im a watt? | null |
52bhs3 | 0 | I just got a Sleep Number mattress, and it turns out my sleep number is 911.. Because a night in my bed, you'll never forget. | null |
52bh62 | 2 | I met this lovely girl who's an amputee; lost her arms...She's a joy to be around, but.... I just can't ask for her hand in marriage | null |
52bh4f | 0 | What was the last pizza order at the Twin Towers?. Two large plains. | null |
52bh1r | 6 | Jehovah's Witnesses are like testicles. They come in pairs, one is always bigger than the other, they keep knocking on the door but never get in, and if they do, shits about to get freaky. | null |
52bgy0 | 29 | One time in medieval England .... One time in medieval England, there was a Lord who opposed hunting. One day, he issued a verdict that forbade hunting on his land. The peasants were angry, but the economy soon recovered.
But within a few years, wild animals were overpopulating and began traveling into the fields and eating the crops. Peasants once more began to protest, but the Lord ignored them.
Soon, the peasants could not grow food because the animal population was eating everything they planted. A large group stormed the castle, demanding the Lord end the ban, but he refused, and they killed him.
This marked the only time in history that a reign was called because of the game. | null |
52bfgc | 664 | I think it's pretty cool how the Chinese made a language.... ...entirely out of tattoos. | null |
52bf24 | 0 | I wanted to tell a joke about mazes.. But the mods took it down because it was too corny... | null |
52bf06 | 0 | Why was the fish swimming alone?. Because he left the school. | null |
52ben6 | 2 | Cows really don't like those big, round bales of hay.. They can't get a square meal. | null |
52bd8t | 0 | What do you call LeVar Burton that survived months of being lost in the wilderness?. Geordi La Forage | null |
52bd2f | 8 | Why don't atheists use exponents?. Because they don't believe in higher powers. | null |
52bcpk | 1 | Did you guys hear the joke about the stunt man's flame?. It was retarded | null |
52bcmh | 1 | How do Muslims laugh?. Muahahahamed
Note: I don't have any prejudices against Islamic people. | null |
52bbsq | 322 | A flat earth conspiracist was boasting about how many people believe that the Earth is flat.... He said, “We have supporters all around the globe!!!”
| null |
52bbrw | 3 | Beef farmers in Washington are fighting to protect their cattle, whose water supply has been tainted with THC from the marijiana industry. The steaks have never been higher | null |
52bbrp | 2 | Why is the US terrible at league of legends?. Because they can't protect their towers. | null |
52bbkg | 0 | Seattle Seahawks labeled Bud Light cans have the lowest sales compared to any other team.. Most of their fans aren't old enough to buy beer yet. | null |
52baf5 | 48 | Everyone needs to chill the hell out about Roe V. Wade.. Honestly, they're both valid ways to get across water. | null |
52ba84 | 2 | What's the most original subreddit ever?. /r/Jokes | null |
52b93u | 1 | Why is Jay Cutler gay?. Because of all the sacks he takes. | null |
52b8z0 | 2 | A alcoholic man named Edward L. Trickle. was at an AA meeting. They ask him to stand up and introduce himself.
"Hello, I'm Edward Lek, and I am an alcoholic."
After a few minutes of chat with the group, he removes a bottle of gin with a red N on it from his bag. They all gasp and ask what he's doing with it.
He pours it down his ear while the whole group watches in awe. "This is my way of drinking." He says.
After a few more minutes, the whole room's lightbulbs go dark. Edward gets up and fiddles with the circut breaker. The AA leader pulls him away and asks what he's doing.
"I can fix this, I am an E. Lek Trickle N Gin Ear." | null |
52b8nn | 1 | Why did so many people fail to escape the Titanic?. They were told "water under the bridge". | null |
52b8ig | 420 | You're saying that the two people I don't want for president, one is in poor health?. I'm voting for the dying one. | null |
52b836 | 15 | My boss asked me which Game of Thrones house he'd best be placed in.... I told him House Lannister because it only takes one hand to go fuck yourself. | null |
52b5sc | 0 | Chuck Norris has his legs blown apart after tripping on a landmine.... He walked it off. | null |
52b5p9 | 17 | There's a new movie coming out about people who take a long time to orgasm.... It hasn't released yet. | null |
52b2tv | 2 | What did the north tower say to the south tower?. Sorry, gotta go catch a flight. | null |
52b2t2 | 57 | You can't run through a campground.... ...you can only ran, because it's passed tents. | null |
52b2f5 | 1 | I ordered the latest, most advanced computer a month ago.. It hasn't arrived yet. | null |
52b1nd | 2 | Anal sex and cabbage have a lot in common.. If you're forced to have it as a kid, you probably won't enjoy it as an adult. | null |
52b1ew | 81 | Give a girl a plane ticket.... ... and she'll fly for a day.
Push a girl from a plane, and she'll get to fly for the rest of her life. | null |
52b0gj | 7 | Yo, Hillary, I'm really happy for you, and I'ma let you finish.... ...but the World Trade Centre had one of the best collapses of all time! One of the best collapses of all time! | null |
52azym | 0 | child to parent: "why dont you mentor me?". parent: "why dont you deserve a mentor?" | null |
52aytt | 6 | An iPhone 7 walks into a bar .... I'll have a Jack please! | null |
52aytf | 3 | What did the hacker do when the police came for him?. He ransomware. | null |
52axax | 0 | What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and Jimmy Carter?. Carter will likely still be around for next year's inaguration. | null |
52ax6d | 113 | My nine year old's yo momma joke. Yo momma so fat her patronus is a cake | null |
52ax0x | 2 | In a collision, if one car is going twice as fast and the other weighs twice as much, who wins?. The mortician | null |
52aw8x | 1 | I was involved in quite a violent mugging the other day.
On the plus side I did make a few quid | null |
52aw5f | 0 | My girlfriend always giggles during sex..
No matter what she's reading. | null |
52avjr | 0 | Chatting on a patio about Costa Rican beaches!!. OMG The beaches in Costa Rica are Soooo beautiful It's hard to describe. Just thinking about it is starting to make me cry, or maybe it's just your cigarette smoke.
| null |
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