jamesliu23/simpsons · Datasets at Hugging Face

text stringlengths 7 697
Yes, son.
No, of course you're not going to die. Everything's fine!
Will I ever play baseball again?
But I played baseball this morning!
That's right, he did. Excuse me, but Dr. Hibbert has been our family physician for years, and he thought Bart was fine.
Oh, Dr. Hibbert from Johns Hopkins Medical School?
With all due respect, Mrs. Simpson, you are not a doctor, the boy's not a doctor, I'm not a doctor. The only person in this room who even comes close is this man.
Stop, you're embarrassing me.
Doctor, are you sure there isn't a little soft tissue trauma in the facial area?
Oh yeah. Tons of it. Just say when.
A million dollars! Smithers! I want this Homer J. Simpson fired!
Uh, do you think that's wise, Mr. Burns? I mean... think of the headlines.
What about the headlines?
The press might be critical of you for firing the crippled boy's father so soon after the accident.
Thank you, your honor. Now, Bart, I want you to tell the jury, in your own words, exactly what happened on the day of the accident.
Just give me a ticket.
Well... all right, then. I don't want to seem like an ogre. I'll bide my time. Let him twist in the wind... slowly... slowly. And then... when the papers have found their new "flavor of the month", he'll find out this cat has claws!
Good thinking, sir.
Now, let's pretend you're on the witness stand... ...How are you, Bart?
Oh, fine. Isn't that nice? Bart says he's fine. Wrong!!! You are not fine! You are in constant pain!
I am in constant pain.
Dad, may I please make an observation?
Oh, what? What is it?
I think this is all a charade to make Bart look more injured than he really is.
Well, maybe Lisa does have a point. I don't mind you boys doing this in the living room, but in court doesn't Bart have to tell the truth?
Yeah, but what is truth -- if you follow me. Now, Bart, can you roll your eyes back in your head like this?
Ah, you mean like I'm dead? Yeah, sure.
The kids a pro.
Springfield Municipal Court is now in session. Judge Moulton presiding.
Your honor, my client has instructed me to remind the court how rich and important he is, and that he is not like other men.
I should be able to run over as many kids as I want!
Mr. Burns, I must warn you that if you continue to disrupt the court in this way, I will have to cite you for contempt.
You wouldn't dare.
Well, no, I-I guess I wouldn't.
Calling Bartholomew J. Simpson to the stand!
Oh, please.
Hello, Bart. Now, you know the difference between telling the truth and telling a lie, don't you, son?
Uh-huh. Well, you wouldn't lie to the United States, would you, Bart?
Yes, sir. It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon. I was playing in my wholesome childlike way, little realizing that I was about to be struck down by the Luxury Car of Death.
Defenseless child at three o'clock!
Luckily, I was not killed that day. Although sometimes I wish I had been.
He's lying!
Now that's believable testimony.
Now, Mr. Burns, would you please relate in your own words exactly what really happened on the day of the accident.
Certainly. Oh, it was a beautiful day. The sun was shining. I was driving to the orphanage to pass out toys.
Suddenly, that incorrigible Simpson boy, darted in front of me...
Oh, my goodness! Look what's happened!
Oh, it's not important, sir. Let's drive on.
Why you despicable, cold-blooded monster. Regardless of what you think, we must summon help, and comfort the dear boy until an ambulance arrives.
Noooo! Take me, I'm old!
And that's what happened.
What are you looking at me like that for? You believed his cock and bull story.
It's looking good, Mr. Simpson. It's looking very, very good.
They hate me? Well what trial were you watching?
Oh yeah, settlement? Fine! Hang your heads in shame, you over-priced, under-brained, glorified notary publics! Just get that big ape to my house tonight and we'll buy him off with a banana or two.
...and that ugly customer was the last Indonesian Rhino on earth.
I didn't know you liked animals.
Oh, I don't like everything about them, just their heads. Well, would you care for some wine, old buddy?
Don't mind if I do.
Bottoms up Simpson, there's plenty more where that came from.
Mr. Burns, are you trying to get me drunk?
Yes. Now then, Homer, old chum, I'm sure you'll agree with me that this trial is an affront to our collective dignity. What do you say, we settle this man to man?
You mean duke it out?
Oh, no, I mean I'm prepared to offer you a most generous cash settlement.
A princely sum...
Well, a handsome sum that can end this little embrolio once and for all.
Five hundred thousand dollars!
Goodness!
Up-up-up-up. Don't answer me now. Relax, talk it over with the missus, soak in the opulence of your surroundings and dream of what might be. Smithers, let's go powder my nose.
Well, Marge, what do you think?
I don't know. Maybe we should take his money and put all this ugliness behind us.
The fish is in the pan.
What do you think, Homer?
I'll tell you what I think. I think he thinks I'm an idiot. The only reason he's offering us this is because he knows he's gonna lose the trial and have to pay us a cool million.
Oh, I feel faint..
"Five hundred thousand dollars." I spit on his five hundred thousand dollars.
Homer, what's happened to you? All this greediness and lying and shifty lawyers and phony doctors --
Phony doctors? Hel-lo.
Do you know what I'd settle for if it was up to me? Bart's medical bills and an apology!
You better be dyin'!
And you won't even get that.
Sorry, offer's expired. I guess we'll just have to let the jury decide, twelve good men and true. Good day. Smithers, release the hounds.
Your honor, I would like to call to the stand Mrs. Homer J. Simpson.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?
Yes, I do.
She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.
Oh, the truth!
Mrs. Simpson, does the name Julius Hibbert mean anything to you?
Yes, he's been our family physician and trusted friend ever since the day I became a mother. He's seen us through everything from colds to impetigo with competence and loving care.
But, wait a minute! I'm confused! This court heard "expert" testimony from one Dr. Nick Riviera. What is your opinion of him?
Mrs. Simpson...
I'm sorry, but my mother always said, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."
Will that hold up in court?
No, I've tried it before.
Mrs. Simpson, what is your opinion of Dr. Riviera? And let me remind you that you're under oath.
Well, to be honest, he seemed a lot more concerned about wrapping Bart in bandages than in making him feel better. And he mispronounced words that even I know, like abdomen. And his office was dirty. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure he's even a doctor.
And Mrs. Simpson, could you describe for us in your own words Bart's "intense mental anguish and suffering"?
Well, I don't know how intense it was...
Huh uh.
...but, well, I guess he did miss three days of school --

Yes, son.

No, of course you're not going to die. Everything's fine!

Will I ever play baseball again?

But I played baseball this morning!

That's right, he did. Excuse me, but Dr. Hibbert has been our family physician for years, and he thought Bart was fine.

Oh, Dr. Hibbert from Johns Hopkins Medical School?

With all due respect, Mrs. Simpson, you are not a doctor, the boy's not a doctor, I'm not a doctor. The only person in this room who even comes close is this man.

Stop, you're embarrassing me.

Doctor, are you sure there isn't a little soft tissue trauma in the facial area?

Oh yeah. Tons of it. Just say when.

A million dollars! Smithers! I want this Homer J. Simpson fired!

Uh, do you think that's wise, Mr. Burns? I mean... think of the headlines.

What about the headlines?

The press might be critical of you for firing the crippled boy's father so soon after the accident.

Thank you, your honor. Now, Bart, I want you to tell the jury, in your own words, exactly what happened on the day of the accident.

Just give me a ticket.

Well... all right, then. I don't want to seem like an ogre. I'll bide my time. Let him twist in the wind... slowly... slowly. And then... when the papers have found their new "flavor of the month", he'll find out this cat has claws!

Good thinking, sir.

Now, let's pretend you're on the witness stand... ...How are you, Bart?

Oh, fine. Isn't that nice? Bart says he's fine. Wrong!!! You are not fine! You are in constant pain!

I am in constant pain.

Dad, may I please make an observation?

Oh, what? What is it?

I think this is all a charade to make Bart look more injured than he really is.

Well, maybe Lisa does have a point. I don't mind you boys doing this in the living room, but in court doesn't Bart have to tell the truth?

Yeah, but what is truth -- if you follow me. Now, Bart, can you roll your eyes back in your head like this?

Ah, you mean like I'm dead? Yeah, sure.

The kids a pro.

Springfield Municipal Court is now in session. Judge Moulton presiding.

Your honor, my client has instructed me to remind the court how rich and important he is, and that he is not like other men.

I should be able to run over as many kids as I want!

Mr. Burns, I must warn you that if you continue to disrupt the court in this way, I will have to cite you for contempt.

You wouldn't dare.

Well, no, I-I guess I wouldn't.

Calling Bartholomew J. Simpson to the stand!

Oh, please.

Hello, Bart. Now, you know the difference between telling the truth and telling a lie, don't you, son?

Uh-huh. Well, you wouldn't lie to the United States, would you, Bart?

Yes, sir. It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon. I was playing in my wholesome childlike way, little realizing that I was about to be struck down by the Luxury Car of Death.

Defenseless child at three o'clock!

Luckily, I was not killed that day. Although sometimes I wish I had been.

He's lying!

Now that's believable testimony.

Now, Mr. Burns, would you please relate in your own words exactly what really happened on the day of the accident.

Certainly. Oh, it was a beautiful day. The sun was shining. I was driving to the orphanage to pass out toys.

Suddenly, that incorrigible Simpson boy, darted in front of me...

Oh, my goodness! Look what's happened!

Oh, it's not important, sir. Let's drive on.

Why you despicable, cold-blooded monster. Regardless of what you think, we must summon help, and comfort the dear boy until an ambulance arrives.

Noooo! Take me, I'm old!

And that's what happened.

What are you looking at me like that for? You believed his cock and bull story.

It's looking good, Mr. Simpson. It's looking very, very good.

They hate me? Well what trial were you watching?

Oh yeah, settlement? Fine! Hang your heads in shame, you over-priced, under-brained, glorified notary publics! Just get that big ape to my house tonight and we'll buy him off with a banana or two.

...and that ugly customer was the last Indonesian Rhino on earth.

I didn't know you liked animals.

Oh, I don't like everything about them, just their heads. Well, would you care for some wine, old buddy?

Don't mind if I do.

Bottoms up Simpson, there's plenty more where that came from.

Mr. Burns, are you trying to get me drunk?

Yes. Now then, Homer, old chum, I'm sure you'll agree with me that this trial is an affront to our collective dignity. What do you say, we settle this man to man?

You mean duke it out?

Oh, no, I mean I'm prepared to offer you a most generous cash settlement.

A princely sum...

Well, a handsome sum that can end this little embrolio once and for all.

Five hundred thousand dollars!

Goodness!

Up-up-up-up. Don't answer me now. Relax, talk it over with the missus, soak in the opulence of your surroundings and dream of what might be. Smithers, let's go powder my nose.

Well, Marge, what do you think?

I don't know. Maybe we should take his money and put all this ugliness behind us.

The fish is in the pan.

What do you think, Homer?

I'll tell you what I think. I think he thinks I'm an idiot. The only reason he's offering us this is because he knows he's gonna lose the trial and have to pay us a cool million.

Oh, I feel faint..

"Five hundred thousand dollars." I spit on his five hundred thousand dollars.

Homer, what's happened to you? All this greediness and lying and shifty lawyers and phony doctors --

Phony doctors? Hel-lo.

Do you know what I'd settle for if it was up to me? Bart's medical bills and an apology!

You better be dyin'!

And you won't even get that.

Sorry, offer's expired. I guess we'll just have to let the jury decide, twelve good men and true. Good day. Smithers, release the hounds.

Your honor, I would like to call to the stand Mrs. Homer J. Simpson.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?

Yes, I do.

She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.

Oh, the truth!

Mrs. Simpson, does the name Julius Hibbert mean anything to you?

Yes, he's been our family physician and trusted friend ever since the day I became a mother. He's seen us through everything from colds to impetigo with competence and loving care.

But, wait a minute! I'm confused! This court heard "expert" testimony from one Dr. Nick Riviera. What is your opinion of him?

Mrs. Simpson...

I'm sorry, but my mother always said, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

Will that hold up in court?

No, I've tried it before.

Mrs. Simpson, what is your opinion of Dr. Riviera? And let me remind you that you're under oath.

Well, to be honest, he seemed a lot more concerned about wrapping Bart in bandages than in making him feel better. And he mispronounced words that even I know, like abdomen. And his office was dirty. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure he's even a doctor.

And Mrs. Simpson, could you describe for us in your own words Bart's "intense mental anguish and suffering"?

Well, I don't know how intense it was...

Huh uh.

...but, well, I guess he did miss three days of school --