jamesliu23/simpsons · Datasets at Hugging Face

text stringlengths 7 697
I saw some awful things in 'Nam, but you really have to wonder at the mentality that would desecrate a helpless puma. I never thought I'd say this, but the no-goodniks rule this school!
God, I could really use a half-day.
Think you're big men with your handcuffs and blasted tasers!
Get him outta here.
I'll get you Bart Simpson, if it's the last thing I do!
Now what is this all about?
Well, it's quite simple, really. I observed our friend Groundskeeper Willie burning leaves with a blatant disregard for our clean air laws.
Bart Simpson on the side of law and order? Has the world gone topsy-turvy?
That's right, man. I got my first taste of authority... And I liked it.
Bart, there are a lot of troublemakers in this school... and Lord knows I can't be everywhere at once.
Look, let's can the euphemisms, huh? No more bullspit. How would you like to be a hall monitor?
Wouldn't that mean squealing on other kids?
That's the meat of it, yes.
Now, Witness X, will you please tell the court what you saw?
I'd be more than happy to. I saw Mr. Montone there seal the late Mr. Palacio in an oil drum and roll him off the pier.
I keel you!!
Aye carumba!
Uh, I don't know.
Oooh, now, you get to wear a sash...
You've got yourself a narc.
Hey, Jimbo, keepin' your nose clean, dude? Attaboy! Hey, Donna, who loves ya, baby?
Not in my hall, bub.
Did you say one hundred and thirty million dollars?
I think you've had enough, sister. C'mon, let's keep it moving.
Pink belly! Pink belly! Pink belly!
Allright, break it up, boys. That belly ain't gonna get any pinker.
Okay. Wedgie!
Thanks, Bart.
Bart's grades are up a little this term. But Lisa's are way down.
We always have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't both our kids be good?
We have three kids, Homer.
Maaarge... The dog doesn't count as a kid.
No, Maggie!
Oh yeah.
Now, take some paste and spread it on the construction paper. Ralph, are you eating your paste?
No, Miss Hoover.
Good. Now, sprinkle your sparkles on your paste. Lisa, you're not sprinkling your sparkles.
Shove it.
I have never seen a good student take such a slide. Lisa, what are you rebelling against?
Whattaya got?
And she goes, "Lisa told Hoover to shove it" and I'm like, "No way!" And she's like, "Fraid so," and I'm all, "Whooah!", and she's like...
Hey, Lisa, man. I'm like, so impressed. When I was in second grade, I was all "Hi, there, I'm so good." Want a smoke?
Uh, I'll smoke it in class.
Bart, you're doing a bang-up job. You know, before there were some corridors of this school you'd just never go down. Now I feel safe anywhere.
Every day is a new fight, sir.
Come on, Bart. In your pre-Fascist days, you knew the giddy thrill of futile rebellion.
Bart, the school is a police state. Students are afraid to sneeze. And I have you to thank. Come with me.
Madre de Dios! The legends were true!
Yes Bart, whenever a teacher confiscates something it ends up here. Salacious halter-tops, complete collections of Mad, Cracked and the occasional issue of Crazy, and this fake plastic derriere.
Now, to show my gratitude, I want you to help yourself to an item of your choice.
All-riight!
Ooo, now, you be careful with that crossbow.
I will.
Seymour, this is an absent slip signed by Nelson's mother. And this is Nelson's English homework. Notice the identical elongated loops on the d's.
Forgery. So he didn't have leprosy.
This is a great day for me. I thought I could never teach again.
Oh, Things have changed. There will be no mockery of your name, Mr. Glasscock.
Hey Lewis, watch this.
Ow! Bart, do something.
Let's go, Milhouse.
Sure, we have order. But at what price!
Now let's correct our homework exercises. Lisa, what nineteenth century figure was nicknamed "Old Hickory"?
I don't know. You?
Lisa, if you'd bothered to do the assignment you'd know the answer is...
The Battle of New Orleans. I mean, Andrew Jackson.
Well, you're earning your eighteen grand a year.
Stupid Hoover... thinks she's so smart.
She wouldn't be so smart without her Teacher's edition.
Ladies and gentlemen, the unthinkable has happened. Some sick, twisted individual has stolen every teacher's edition in this school.
What'll we do?
Declare a snowday!
Does anyone know the multiplication table?
Please, please, don't panic! They can smell fear.
Children, I know this is highly irregular, but for the rest of the uh, day Martin will be teaching this class.
I will? But I wouldn't know where to begin.
Just do it, Brainiac.
Have I ever told you kids about the sixties?
I've... got... to get... out... of... here!
Calm blue ocean. Calm blue ocean. Calm blue ocean. Calm blue ocean.
I'm leaving the profession again.
Oh now Mr. Glasscock, please reconsider.
Hunh-uh.
Bart, the police haven't had any luck finding the teachers' editions.
The dogs have picked up the scent of books.
Send in the battering ram.
Here we go!
We're going to have to re-order every book.
Seymour, I'll bet you a steak dinner those books are still here. All we have to do is search every locker.
Oh, Bart, I'm not sure random locker searches are permitted by the Supreme Court...
Pfft, Supreme Court. What have they done for us lately?
Let's move.
That's right. It was I.
Lis, why did you do it?
Yeah, but even I had my limits. You're looking at expulsion for this.
I know. I know.
The books!
Oh, answers! Answers! Simpson, you've just saved the school one hundred and twenty dollars. Who's behind this monstrous crime?
I've been so blind. In retrospect, the signs all pointed to a rogue hall monitor.
Sorry if I betrayed your trust, Principal Sucker.
D'oh. Now Bart, in light of your recent service to the school, I've decided to be lenient. Four hundred days detention.

I saw some awful things in 'Nam, but you really have to wonder at the mentality that would desecrate a helpless puma. I never thought I'd say this, but the no-goodniks rule this school!

God, I could really use a half-day.

Think you're big men with your handcuffs and blasted tasers!

Get him outta here.

I'll get you Bart Simpson, if it's the last thing I do!

Now what is this all about?

Well, it's quite simple, really. I observed our friend Groundskeeper Willie burning leaves with a blatant disregard for our clean air laws.

Bart Simpson on the side of law and order? Has the world gone topsy-turvy?

That's right, man. I got my first taste of authority... And I liked it.

Bart, there are a lot of troublemakers in this school... and Lord knows I can't be everywhere at once.

Look, let's can the euphemisms, huh? No more bullspit. How would you like to be a hall monitor?

Wouldn't that mean squealing on other kids?

That's the meat of it, yes.

Now, Witness X, will you please tell the court what you saw?

I'd be more than happy to. I saw Mr. Montone there seal the late Mr. Palacio in an oil drum and roll him off the pier.

I keel you!!

Aye carumba!

Uh, I don't know.

Oooh, now, you get to wear a sash...

You've got yourself a narc.

Hey, Jimbo, keepin' your nose clean, dude? Attaboy! Hey, Donna, who loves ya, baby?

Not in my hall, bub.

Did you say one hundred and thirty million dollars?

I think you've had enough, sister. C'mon, let's keep it moving.

Pink belly! Pink belly! Pink belly!

Allright, break it up, boys. That belly ain't gonna get any pinker.

Okay. Wedgie!

Thanks, Bart.

Bart's grades are up a little this term. But Lisa's are way down.

We always have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't both our kids be good?

We have three kids, Homer.

Maaarge... The dog doesn't count as a kid.

No, Maggie!

Oh yeah.

Now, take some paste and spread it on the construction paper. Ralph, are you eating your paste?

No, Miss Hoover.

Good. Now, sprinkle your sparkles on your paste. Lisa, you're not sprinkling your sparkles.

Shove it.

I have never seen a good student take such a slide. Lisa, what are you rebelling against?

Whattaya got?

And she goes, "Lisa told Hoover to shove it" and I'm like, "No way!" And she's like, "Fraid so," and I'm all, "Whooah!", and she's like...

Hey, Lisa, man. I'm like, so impressed. When I was in second grade, I was all "Hi, there, I'm so good." Want a smoke?

Uh, I'll smoke it in class.

Bart, you're doing a bang-up job. You know, before there were some corridors of this school you'd just never go down. Now I feel safe anywhere.

Every day is a new fight, sir.

Come on, Bart. In your pre-Fascist days, you knew the giddy thrill of futile rebellion.

Bart, the school is a police state. Students are afraid to sneeze. And I have you to thank. Come with me.

Madre de Dios! The legends were true!

Yes Bart, whenever a teacher confiscates something it ends up here. Salacious halter-tops, complete collections of Mad, Cracked and the occasional issue of Crazy, and this fake plastic derriere.

Now, to show my gratitude, I want you to help yourself to an item of your choice.

All-riight!

Ooo, now, you be careful with that crossbow.

I will.

Seymour, this is an absent slip signed by Nelson's mother. And this is Nelson's English homework. Notice the identical elongated loops on the d's.

Forgery. So he didn't have leprosy.

This is a great day for me. I thought I could never teach again.

Oh, Things have changed. There will be no mockery of your name, Mr. Glasscock.

Hey Lewis, watch this.

Ow! Bart, do something.

Let's go, Milhouse.

Sure, we have order. But at what price!

Now let's correct our homework exercises. Lisa, what nineteenth century figure was nicknamed "Old Hickory"?

I don't know. You?

Lisa, if you'd bothered to do the assignment you'd know the answer is...

The Battle of New Orleans. I mean, Andrew Jackson.

Well, you're earning your eighteen grand a year.

Stupid Hoover... thinks she's so smart.

She wouldn't be so smart without her Teacher's edition.

Ladies and gentlemen, the unthinkable has happened. Some sick, twisted individual has stolen every teacher's edition in this school.

What'll we do?

Declare a snowday!

Does anyone know the multiplication table?

Please, please, don't panic! They can smell fear.

Children, I know this is highly irregular, but for the rest of the uh, day Martin will be teaching this class.

I will? But I wouldn't know where to begin.

Just do it, Brainiac.

Have I ever told you kids about the sixties?

I've... got... to get... out... of... here!

Calm blue ocean. Calm blue ocean. Calm blue ocean. Calm blue ocean.

I'm leaving the profession again.

Oh now Mr. Glasscock, please reconsider.

Hunh-uh.

Bart, the police haven't had any luck finding the teachers' editions.

The dogs have picked up the scent of books.

Send in the battering ram.

Here we go!

We're going to have to re-order every book.

Seymour, I'll bet you a steak dinner those books are still here. All we have to do is search every locker.

Oh, Bart, I'm not sure random locker searches are permitted by the Supreme Court...

Pfft, Supreme Court. What have they done for us lately?

Let's move.

That's right. It was I.

Lis, why did you do it?

Yeah, but even I had my limits. You're looking at expulsion for this.

I know. I know.

The books!

Oh, answers! Answers! Simpson, you've just saved the school one hundred and twenty dollars. Who's behind this monstrous crime?

I've been so blind. In retrospect, the signs all pointed to a rogue hall monitor.

Sorry if I betrayed your trust, Principal Sucker.

D'oh. Now Bart, in light of your recent service to the school, I've decided to be lenient. Four hundred days detention.