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rick-and-morty-script

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What the hell is Is-ra-el?
Morty:
I-It's just something Rick starts talking about whenever he's blackout drunk.
Rick:
W-What? In w--In w-w-what--In what way? Like, w-w-what's my point?
Morty:
In a way that has no point! You just babble about defense budgets and the United Nations, and then you pass out!
Rick:
So, to be clear, I sometimes reference the geopolitical complexities of the topic, which is not the same as going to an anti-Semitic place.
Million Ants:
I have no stake in this.
Rick:
I don't either. I-I'm just saying, if anything, the drunk version of me is probably so supportive of Israel, he wants what's best for it and...
Million Ants:
Hey, man, I'm not touching this. You do you.
Drunk Rick:
Aloha... means hello and goodbye in Hawaii. But, uh, aloha means... has nothing to do with this room. I'm so fucking drunk. Ugh, okay, here's the deal. I-I want to rest my eyes for a little bit. I'm--I'm not going to sleep. I just... just need to rest my eye, so let's make this one simple. Just try to hit some three-pointers.
Drunk Rick:
let's say... you have to hit... five three-pointers in... five minutes or, I don't know, the whole place--the whole planet will get blown up with a n-neutrino bomb. And try to make it a-a lesson about yourselves like, like how... selfish you a-are, or something. Also, Hawaii.
Morty:
You guys hit the baskets. I'll disarm the drunkenly-improvised neutrino bomb. There's a 40% chance it's a dud, but y-you should still stay back.
Rick:
Morty, how many of these...?
Morty:
Too many, Rick! Too many!
Rick:
Man, I am really getting high-roaded today.
Drunk Rick:
That's a three-pointer!
Alan:
Nice shot.
Million Ants:
Thank you.
Alan:
You two make quite a team.
Supernova:
We all do.
Alan:
Yeah, I guess.
Drunk Rick:
That's a three-pointer!
Alan:
But you guys have always had a... an unspoken bond.
Alan:
I mean, really unspoken. Like, "let's-not-tell-my-husband" unspoken.
Supernova:
We aren't married anymore, Alan.
Alan:
Sure, but were we married when you two were "stranded" on Delphi 6 for three days? Because I sensed something was weird when you can back. But what do I know about sensitivity? I'm just a phantom train conductor. You're the pile of ordinary bugs that fucked my wife!
Drunk Rick:
That's a three-pointer!
Rick:
Where the fuck is the lead wire?!
Morty:
You always put it in the weirdest place! Um, uh, over here, maybe?
Rick:
Jesus Christ, what a shitty neutrino bomb. it's a miracle I actually every destroy anything.
Morty:
Oh, I don't know. You managed to destroy just about everything today; the villains, the heroes, the lines between them, my childhood...
Rick:
Thank you. I appreciate it, Morty. I know you were sucking the Kool-Aid out of the Vindicators' dicks, so the fact that I was right about them must be pretty hard to admit.
Morty:
Yeah, it is. You know why, Rick? Because when you're an asshole, it doesn't matter how right you are, nobody wants to give you the satisfaction.
Rick:
I know. Everyone wants people they like to be right. That's why popular people are fucking dumb. And why your pretentious, poorly-written, high-budget friends back there can a eat a double-decker shit sandwich. Disarmed.
Morty:
Holy shit. You're jealous.